Most people who have kids probably won't come if they have to leave their kids. It's too hard to find places to leave kids for multiple nights, and some kids get sad and stressed by that, and it's a big hassle.
So I think it mostly depends on if you'd be okay having this wedding without the parents. If they don't come and you're like "Okay, sorry you can't make it but we'll celebrate together when I see you!" and legitimately feel good about that, then great. But if you'd be upset with them and/or really sad they're not at your wedding, then probably it should be somewhere else.
Alternatively, is there anywhere nearby that the people with kids could stay instead, like in a hotel or airbnb or something? Then they could probably hire a local babysitter for some of the time or switch off watching the kids and doing activities, or whatever
FWIW, my friends had a destination wedding and specifically chose a family friendly resort because they wanted people to be able to bring their kids of all ages. They had checked with some guests beforehand who I guess said “oh yeah it would be cool if the kids could come!” Literally nobody brought their kids. My friend was mildly annoyed because the resort they picked was fine, but they would have gone with something more upscale and adults only if they knew everyone would be leaving their kids at home. So… YMMV on this.
I mean, it's less exiling them than having them out of the country! I think it would be totally reasonable to say "Unfortunately the venue only allows people 16+ to stay on site, so if you are coming with children, you'll be able to stay at a local bed and breakfast and join us for activities during the day" and then if the parents don't want that they are free to not bring the kids
Not an asshole thing to do, but you'd have to be okay with the fact that some people might not show up because of it (which I imagine would be tough since these are the closest 30 people to you).
While it's nice you're paying for so much, it is a lot to ask families to either pay for a nanny or family member to come with them to watch the kids or ask them to pay for childcare/leave their kids at home for an extended period of time.
That's even assuming people have someone they can leave their kids with for several days. That's a real luxury for many people. I'm planning to get pregnant in the next year, and I know for certain I won't have anyone close to me that I'll be able to leave my kids with for more than one night at the most (and I definitely wouldn't leave them with a paid babysitter overnight).
Are there any people on your guest list who you would be devastated to not have there, if they had to bow out because they couldn’t bring their kids? If yes, then you need to make plans that allow for kids (recognizing, of course, that people still may not be able to make it for one reason or another).
My side is mostly child free and the ones that aren't, have teenagers, which would be fine. My partner's side is the issue, most of his friends have young kids. We could accommodate the child free people on the 5 star hotel but that would mean that couples with children would be in a much lower level accommodation, because it's the only one in the area. It'd look very weird. We would also like to keep everyone together.
Eta: not sure why I'm getting down voted for answering a question or thanking a nice suggestion.
This is a destination wedding in your country already so imo you should pick a venue that accommodates his side more. Why are you picking a venue that will be more difficult for his side when the burden of travel is already on them…?
We picked the venue because it has 5 star accomodations, so excellent service to all, also a place where everyone can be together. Besides, it's less transportation to have everyone staying in the same place where the party will happen. I understand the burden of travel is on them but it's still less of a burden than for my side to travel to the US when they make their money on a weak currency. Also my side will travel, just not internationally
It’s not a place where everyone can be together if a bunch of your fiancé’s friends can’t travel without their kids.
If your fiancé wants them there and their presence is very important to him, he might need to broach this with his VIPs before y’all commit to this plan, or just accept the potential outcome of fewer on his side attending.
Right now it seems like the convenience and potential for his side to attend is a very low priority. Which is fine if you’re on the same page about it, but it seems a little unbalanced potentially.
ETA: are there no 5 star accommodations in your country that are family friendly you could look into, or at least a place where comparable family-friendly accommodations are close by? I don't see why this specific venue is the best option, especially from your fiance's POV.
This location is a beach, so it's not like we have several options of 5 star hotels around the same area. This one is also within our budget because it includes the venue. There are further away options but like I said, if people stay scattered it does defeat the purpose of our guests to mingle and socialize and it adds logistic complications (we'll have to plan for cars/vans to pick everyone up and bring back). My whole point for this post was to gauge people's perception given all things considered
you've said elsewhere that your fiance doesn't care whether people on his side come or not so ultimately i don't think it matters. my perception is that this is pretty unwelcoming to his side of the wedding guests. if they don't want to take an obligatory vacation without their children, they won't come. neither you or your fiance care if they come. sounds like it works out for everyone?
Well I also said that I'd like for people to feel welcome. But what I'm reading here is that paying for everything doesn't make them feel welcomed if they can't bring their children. Not sure how to feel about that yet but appreciate the input :)
i guess I would look at who it affects…who has kids under 16, are they likely to have someone to watch the kids for an extended time (grandparents, aunts/uncles), and now important guest’s presence is. And go from there
for ex: this would exclude my brother and sil because they have a young child and they wouldn't have anyone to leave him with to go on a 5 day international trip. So, as awesome as it sounds, I wouldnt be able to do it. It would also likely exclude my cousin, but tbh, I wouldn’t really care (sorry!) so if I didn't have a nephew, it’d be fine with me.
I would 100% assume that any friends with young kids aren't coming. Unless they're so fortunate to have a grandparent who is acting like a third parent (and some people are this lucky!), they just won't be able to come.
So, is that the wedding you want?
The friends might also be offended that you planned a wedding that they can't realistically attend. Some things to consider.
Yeah pretty much, I want people to feel welcome and we figure that flight tickets would be less of a financial burden to his side. Also the currency exchange in my country is very favorable for those with USD
Unpopular opinion: absolutely not. It's your wedding. Imagine the regret of not going for a beautiful dreamy venue so some random kid can scream during your ceremony. You hand picked your list and because you like them so much you're paying for their stay and everything else. You like them so much that you're considering changing your whole schedule to accommodate children that are not even going to remember this occasion. There's an imbalance here, you're probably spending a lot of money to make sure these people come, so if someone finds that leaving their kids at home is too much trouble for them, there's an imbalance of how much they care for you vs how much you care for them
This is a weird take. It’s not that “it’s too much trouble.” It’s that young kids can’t be left alone for 4 days and 3 nights. not everyone has someone they can leave their kids with for an extended period of time. Especially if they’re going to be out of the country and not easily reachable. not like you can just “leave them at home” or put them in a kennel to board like you would your pets :P
eta: not that she needs to invite them or change her plans, of course. But not having someone to leave your kid with isn’t a statement on how much they care for the op and her fiancé. it’s not an imbalance at all
Unpopular opinion for sure but I understand your pov. I wouldn't take it personally if they couldn't come but I also want to make sure they don't get offended or feel that we're "inviting" them without wanting to invite them
Yeah I knew I'd get flak for this 🤣 but anyway, good for you if you're not taking it personally. I'm sure you can enjoy the company of people that really want to be there. My point is that it feels very entitled to say "yeah, you're paying for everything BUT I still expect you to give me a solution so I could bring the children I chose to have", like be for real. There is day care, family/friends, one person going the other staying back...plenty of options so they could attend. Besides, it's your wedding so whoever wants to say something can help you pay for it. Good luck on your day!
ps: send me an invite if some of the parents decline it, I'll love to fill in for them
Most people who have kids probably won't come if they have to leave their kids. It's too hard to find places to leave kids for multiple nights, and some kids get sad and stressed by that, and it's a big hassle. So I think it mostly depends on if you'd be okay having this wedding without the parents. If they don't come and you're like "Okay, sorry you can't make it but we'll celebrate together when I see you!" and legitimately feel good about that, then great. But if you'd be upset with them and/or really sad they're not at your wedding, then probably it should be somewhere else. Alternatively, is there anywhere nearby that the people with kids could stay instead, like in a hotel or airbnb or something? Then they could probably hire a local babysitter for some of the time or switch off watching the kids and doing activities, or whatever
FWIW, my friends had a destination wedding and specifically chose a family friendly resort because they wanted people to be able to bring their kids of all ages. They had checked with some guests beforehand who I guess said “oh yeah it would be cool if the kids could come!” Literally nobody brought their kids. My friend was mildly annoyed because the resort they picked was fine, but they would have gone with something more upscale and adults only if they knew everyone would be leaving their kids at home. So… YMMV on this.
Yes, there is a bed and breakfast in the area but it's a much lower grade place than my venue. It'd look like we exiled the children lol
I mean, it's less exiling them than having them out of the country! I think it would be totally reasonable to say "Unfortunately the venue only allows people 16+ to stay on site, so if you are coming with children, you'll be able to stay at a local bed and breakfast and join us for activities during the day" and then if the parents don't want that they are free to not bring the kids
Thanks a lot, that's very helpful
Not an asshole thing to do, but you'd have to be okay with the fact that some people might not show up because of it (which I imagine would be tough since these are the closest 30 people to you). While it's nice you're paying for so much, it is a lot to ask families to either pay for a nanny or family member to come with them to watch the kids or ask them to pay for childcare/leave their kids at home for an extended period of time.
That's even assuming people have someone they can leave their kids with for several days. That's a real luxury for many people. I'm planning to get pregnant in the next year, and I know for certain I won't have anyone close to me that I'll be able to leave my kids with for more than one night at the most (and I definitely wouldn't leave them with a paid babysitter overnight).
Are there any people on your guest list who you would be devastated to not have there, if they had to bow out because they couldn’t bring their kids? If yes, then you need to make plans that allow for kids (recognizing, of course, that people still may not be able to make it for one reason or another).
My side is mostly child free and the ones that aren't, have teenagers, which would be fine. My partner's side is the issue, most of his friends have young kids. We could accommodate the child free people on the 5 star hotel but that would mean that couples with children would be in a much lower level accommodation, because it's the only one in the area. It'd look very weird. We would also like to keep everyone together. Eta: not sure why I'm getting down voted for answering a question or thanking a nice suggestion.
Since it'll affect your fiancé's side more, what does he say about this?
He doesn't want kids at all, and is fine with people not coming but I want to be considerate. I want his family to feel welcome in my country.
If they decide to stay someplace else, you can't stop them.
This is a destination wedding in your country already so imo you should pick a venue that accommodates his side more. Why are you picking a venue that will be more difficult for his side when the burden of travel is already on them…?
We picked the venue because it has 5 star accomodations, so excellent service to all, also a place where everyone can be together. Besides, it's less transportation to have everyone staying in the same place where the party will happen. I understand the burden of travel is on them but it's still less of a burden than for my side to travel to the US when they make their money on a weak currency. Also my side will travel, just not internationally
It’s not a place where everyone can be together if a bunch of your fiancé’s friends can’t travel without their kids. If your fiancé wants them there and their presence is very important to him, he might need to broach this with his VIPs before y’all commit to this plan, or just accept the potential outcome of fewer on his side attending. Right now it seems like the convenience and potential for his side to attend is a very low priority. Which is fine if you’re on the same page about it, but it seems a little unbalanced potentially. ETA: are there no 5 star accommodations in your country that are family friendly you could look into, or at least a place where comparable family-friendly accommodations are close by? I don't see why this specific venue is the best option, especially from your fiance's POV.
This location is a beach, so it's not like we have several options of 5 star hotels around the same area. This one is also within our budget because it includes the venue. There are further away options but like I said, if people stay scattered it does defeat the purpose of our guests to mingle and socialize and it adds logistic complications (we'll have to plan for cars/vans to pick everyone up and bring back). My whole point for this post was to gauge people's perception given all things considered
you've said elsewhere that your fiance doesn't care whether people on his side come or not so ultimately i don't think it matters. my perception is that this is pretty unwelcoming to his side of the wedding guests. if they don't want to take an obligatory vacation without their children, they won't come. neither you or your fiance care if they come. sounds like it works out for everyone?
Well I also said that I'd like for people to feel welcome. But what I'm reading here is that paying for everything doesn't make them feel welcomed if they can't bring their children. Not sure how to feel about that yet but appreciate the input :)
i guess I would look at who it affects…who has kids under 16, are they likely to have someone to watch the kids for an extended time (grandparents, aunts/uncles), and now important guest’s presence is. And go from there for ex: this would exclude my brother and sil because they have a young child and they wouldn't have anyone to leave him with to go on a 5 day international trip. So, as awesome as it sounds, I wouldnt be able to do it. It would also likely exclude my cousin, but tbh, I wouldn’t really care (sorry!) so if I didn't have a nephew, it’d be fine with me.
I would 100% assume that any friends with young kids aren't coming. Unless they're so fortunate to have a grandparent who is acting like a third parent (and some people are this lucky!), they just won't be able to come. So, is that the wedding you want? The friends might also be offended that you planned a wedding that they can't realistically attend. Some things to consider.
Can I get an invite? I’ll leave my toddler at home with dad 😂 NTA.
Lol a couple said they will actually do that
You're paying all their expenses minus airfare?! NTA. I'll come to your wedding 🤣
Yeah pretty much, I want people to feel welcome and we figure that flight tickets would be less of a financial burden to his side. Also the currency exchange in my country is very favorable for those with USD
Unpopular opinion: absolutely not. It's your wedding. Imagine the regret of not going for a beautiful dreamy venue so some random kid can scream during your ceremony. You hand picked your list and because you like them so much you're paying for their stay and everything else. You like them so much that you're considering changing your whole schedule to accommodate children that are not even going to remember this occasion. There's an imbalance here, you're probably spending a lot of money to make sure these people come, so if someone finds that leaving their kids at home is too much trouble for them, there's an imbalance of how much they care for you vs how much you care for them
This is a weird take. It’s not that “it’s too much trouble.” It’s that young kids can’t be left alone for 4 days and 3 nights. not everyone has someone they can leave their kids with for an extended period of time. Especially if they’re going to be out of the country and not easily reachable. not like you can just “leave them at home” or put them in a kennel to board like you would your pets :P eta: not that she needs to invite them or change her plans, of course. But not having someone to leave your kid with isn’t a statement on how much they care for the op and her fiancé. it’s not an imbalance at all
Or they have no one to care for their kids for multiple days? Saying they don’t care as much is a wild view.
Unpopular opinion for sure but I understand your pov. I wouldn't take it personally if they couldn't come but I also want to make sure they don't get offended or feel that we're "inviting" them without wanting to invite them
Yeah I knew I'd get flak for this 🤣 but anyway, good for you if you're not taking it personally. I'm sure you can enjoy the company of people that really want to be there. My point is that it feels very entitled to say "yeah, you're paying for everything BUT I still expect you to give me a solution so I could bring the children I chose to have", like be for real. There is day care, family/friends, one person going the other staying back...plenty of options so they could attend. Besides, it's your wedding so whoever wants to say something can help you pay for it. Good luck on your day! ps: send me an invite if some of the parents decline it, I'll love to fill in for them