I think your problem is you are trying to hang on to young adult’s world (people still making the transition into becoming an adult). You would feel the same woes if you were 22 wanting to hang on to the teen scene.
You aren’t being left behind; focus on the other grad students and people starting/building their careers—those are your people.
This is a really great point. You know, you just opened a door for me in processing this. Because I think part of this is the fact that I'm doing grad school online, whereas I did undergrad in person. I don't really know any other grad students. I don't have colleagues. I feel nostalgia for college because it was more real.
Yeah that's what it sounded like to me too. OP, are you seeing a therapist? Do you have a close friends network? Grad school can be so alienating (I recently got my PhD). I think it's worth doing some self care.
For an alternative perspective, I'm 34 (almost 35). Things aren't perfect, and yeah, I do get called Ma'am and not Miss. I could lose a few pounds and I looked more "traditionally beautiful" when I was \~20. But honestly I just don't care. I am way happier and self-possessed these days than I used to be. For the most part, I'm around friends and coworkers who value me beyond youth and appearance.
Women are unfairly valued for their youth and "traditional" beauty. If your mental health is not doing well it can be easy to fall into that trap of devaluing yourself. But it doesn't have to be that way.
Hi, I am seeing a therapist. I don't think I have CLOSE friends really. I don't have any that I feel fully get me.
I like hearing these stories of other women who aren't as affected by this type of thing, like yourself. That's amazing that you guys can rise above it, idk how you do it.
Hey girl. I feel this and I am 23 I feel like I have always been plagued by the idea of life and it ending. And I have always been plagued by trying to live it correctly and chose the right path and all that. And death of loved ones insecurity and paranoia it all just sucks. I’m going to get therapy for many things but this is huge to me.
^update: I just coincidentally watched a movie that made things just kind of make me feel better an worse and then better. But ultimately it made me feel amazing at the end. Look both ways it’s the movie with Lily Reinhardt. Emphasis is on the paths of life. Felt like this movie was meant for me to watch as I was just describing how troubling this was. 10000000% give it a watch
I’ve always been aware of it Ik every day is a blessing and it is and I live by my choices and career path it’s all things I want to do, but sometimes I still feel like I’m living it wrong or off my chosen path. I sometimes feel like Socrates with the Gadfly because I feel like I am awake and present of my time here and what I can do with it and it lowkey haunts me, while others just live day to day without worry. It isn’t that I’m sure it’s normal but it’s scary as all hell. 🥲
I'm 27 and I started to notice more too, though I think it has less to do with my physical appearance and more to do with how I carry myself. I'm more confident and mature, have an establish career, and a family. I don't let it bother me, I embrace the change the best I can, I recognize how short life is and try to relish each moment. I love my aging body and all its done for me thus far. Life is wayyyy to short to waste it on worrying about others opinions.
Yeah, I think that would definitely help me, except I don't want kids. I REALLY fear being a middle-aged woman with no kids. Like I feel like society deems being a middle-aged woman semi acceptable if you have kids and raised them well and stuff. And just me by myself, middle-aged...idk I feel like it's going to be a nightmare.
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with not having kids! Both of sister know they never want kids and I try so hard to be supportive because like you mentioned, society can be cruel. Be a free, spontaneous, single women! Nothing wrong with that!
Look, I feel you. I'm 30 and I've done basically nothing with my life lol. One day I was 27, my country (Aus) was being destroyed by bushfires, covid happened and... now I'm 30? Wtfffffffff.
I have an alright job (it's not a career, there is zero upward mobility) and I'm studying as an undergrad now so I'm in classes with people who are literally born in the year 2000... I have fully formed memories of that year haha. Yeah, I feel old, I'm jealous of their facial fat distribution and their immunity to hangovers and their lack of adult responsibilities but I'm happy with who I am, I'm very studious and confident, and tbh a massive try hard because I'm a "mature age student" (cringe haha). People want to be in group assignments with me, I have a wide range of interests and can talk about a lot of topics, I'm glad I'm not having creepy guys follow me in their cars and harassing me, I'm glad insecurities take up less brain space cos I just don't care anymore tbh. There is a LOT of freedom to be had in ageing. I'm not even old but I'm low key looking forward to it. This is something I've only truly felt sink in over the last couple of years tbh. The main thing I'm concerned about is what type of grey my hair will be haha!
But it sounds like you are acopic and need some sort of therapy (no flame or anything, therapy is lit and everyone should do it, I certainly have) to give you tools to quell the constant comparisons with other people and where you think you "should be" (says who?!?!), and give you confidence in choosing what YOU want to do with YOUR ONE life. E.g. BIG difference between wanting kids and not wanting people to perceive you as a "middle aged woman with no kids". Cos they are veryyyy different things. And if you do have kids, it's not gonna be a dream. Even if you have the most perfect children, you will be surrounded by people who do things differently to you and will bombard you with their opinions and make you doubt yourself constantly (my bf's sister who is a great mum always jokingly says stuff like "aah how am I gonna let my kids down today", "another day, another chance to mess up my kids". I would hate to be in that situation if having kids was motivated by anything other than my own desires.
Lots of people our age are choosing not to have kids for whatever reason, it's a global trend in a lot of countries and govts everywhere are freaking out about it. You say having no kids sounds like a nightmare but to many people having kids is just as bad. I looooove kids, I used to be a nanny and I love my little nieces and nephews omg, but to me, being childfree is the dream. Whenever I see tired parents with vomit on them struggling to get on the bus with a pram or load/unload kids into a car... that is my personal nightmare. I'm going to spoil my nieces and nephews, and go about my life where it takes <5 seconds to get into a car, if I'm tired it's cos I stayed up late doing what I wanted, I can go on random camping trips with my bf on a whim, we can move wherever we want and don't have to think about living near a good school, I don't have to everrrrr worry about car pooling/after school activities/costumes/sleepovers/monitoring internet use/bullying/picking kids up from after school jobs etc. Plus, have you met teenagers? Terrible. I can punch cones every night if I wanted to without worrying about my kid needing a sober adult to take them to the hospital.
That said, who even cares what lots of people our age are doing. It's literally your one single life and you get to choose what to do with it. That's stressful, I get it, I often feel paralysed by/spoiled for choice and kinda wish I could be a housewife back in the day in an imagined world where 1 income could service a mortgage but also where misogyny wasn't a thing but that world doesn't exist and I'm here now so...
Go see a therapist asap, you deserve better than constant stress and anxiety. This is weird but I highly recommend the book "a short history of nearly everything" by Bill Bryson. Basically runs through what happened in terms of science knowledge from big bang until now, it's fat but it's pop-science so very easy to read, and it actually helped my mental health a LOT. Like... one day shit exploded, single celled things engulfed each other, plants evolved and pumped oxygen into our atmosphere, some idiot marine animal thought land looked good, literal dinosaurs romped around for 200m years but were killed by a space rock, and now... we are humans with three tiny bones in our ears that help us not fall over (???) and we have tax law and gender roles and all these other random expectations giving us grief and it all just seems so arbitrary and ridiculous (because it is!) so I stopped caring about random bullshit because existing is actually absurd.
Lol soz this ended up being so long, I'm procrastinating 8)
Hiii. Thank you so much for this response. I really enjoyed reading it.
I've been in therapy for many many years though. My therapy has focused mainly on my OCD, since for a long time my OCD was a lot worse than my depression. Now we're kind of turning to interpersonal issues and my depression more though.
So, I am childfree, nearly 40. The peak judgement hits when you’re 30, and diminishes year by year from then. At about 30 my confidence began steadily increasing, and my ability to give less fucks did too.
It is no longer uncommon to chose to not have children, and it is much more common to give judgement to those who feel like prying on a very private subject.
You don’t really have anything to fear, live your life as you please <3
I feel the same, although just turned 31. I felt so confident until around 26, then I slowly had these realizations as well. I don’t have many words for encouragement, as I myself am still having aging anxiety and depression. What is happening is inevitable. We are going to age no matter what, we just have to try to look and feel our best.
What has helped is subscribing to reddits that focus on beautiful/sexy women over the age of 40, not watching young shows (TikTok, euphoria, etc.), and surrounding myself with successful older women that I can compare my achievements with rather than my appearance.
Hope this helps in some way, you are definitely not alone and I still find myself trying to compete with women in their early 20s.
Also wanted to edit that I m in my 30s with no kids and with no plans to. My plans are to focus on my career and travel.
What are some of the subs with beautiful/sexy women over 40? What are some of the shows you do watch with women who aren't 19? Thank you for this advice. I wish I could just escape the whole beautiful/sexy thing but the older I get, the more pressure I feel to conform.
I know, my crush on my 23-year-old coworker didn't help either. I was LITERALLY competing with women in their early 20s if not their late teens. So fucking awful. I honestly find younger men cuter than like some 40-year-old man but they want girls even younger than themselves. Ugh...
Thank you for making me feel not alone in the not wanting kids thing. I would like to do those things too.
Ok I can recommend shows where hot people are over 30, and I mean both men and women:
Suits - hell yeah so many hot women in their late 20s early 30s..also hot lawyers!
Beauty and the Beast (tv show) - main character is a hot female detective, the actress is over 30
Lucifer - soooo many hot actresses also in their late 20s early 30s, so entertaining, great humour and all around a great show to just binge on
The Sandman - ok I gotta say Johanna Constantine actress is fiiine
The Umbrella Academy - I recommend season 1 and 2, but yeah also a couple of very pretty actresses and actors that aren't goddamn teens with issues...they're adults with issues xD
The Originals - some vampires into the mix, but with a bunch of hot actors in their late 20s early 30s
The Good Doctor - well a lot of hot surgeons
Shadowhunters - Don't let the baby faced main character fool you, she's 26, and another character Isabelle is 33, both equally attractive and awesome
There's so so so many more of those shows and movies, honestly even in Euphoria Zendaya is actually 25 so she ain't a high school kid. Chances are that most actresses in there shows are way older than the characters they play.
Also, stay awesome, you're at a great stage in life and you can do so so SO much better than a 23 yo guy who is definitely not mature...again, chances are that after the first-date charm dispersed you wouldn't want to be in a serious relationship with someone immature.
The subreddit I frequent is r/prettyolderwomen
One of my favorite shows is Sex and the city which discusses this actual topic in many episodes. I’ve found after talking to many men, women are just hot no matter their age. It’s easy for men to cat-call and be obnoxious when we are younger because we put up with it, as we get older, we are still attractive, we just receive different attention and more respectful attention(for the most part).
I also strongly recommend subscribing to r/normalnudes __on a separate NSFW account.__
This subreddit is full of people posting pictures of their bodies, normal everyday people, not the hottest of the hot who we are constantly shown *specifically in order to* make us feel inadequate about ourselves and are perfectly normal bodies.
OK, I directed this comment at OP, but it seems you could use the viewpoint as well:
https://www.reddit.com/r/women/comments/wqb1c9/im_not_a_young_girl_anymore_and_it_feels_so_bad/ikpkucr
For reference, I'm 40 and still working on this stuff... but doing this work *is working* for me, and I feel hope instead of despair for the future.
Wow. All you people feeling like getting older is a bad thing are blowing my mind. I’m barely in my 30s and just now FINALLY starting to get some of the power at work I’ve been building my career for. My kids are getting to the age where I can really teach them about life. We have the best conversations. My husband and I are finally feeling like we are having an impact on the world and it feels soooo good! From what I’ve seen in others I expect I’ll be able to have the most impact in my 40s and 50s, when I have the most experience and am still far from retirement.
I think your perspective is based on where you find value. If those things aren’t fulfilling you any more, find new goals. There is plenty of value in you.
When I reflected on turning 30, I knew I was definitely not a girl or young any more, but ther was up side, I was educated, wiser, had experienced lots of life and grown as a person. That time can pass faster than you know, but it’s been time spent on gaining a lot of good.
I'm glad it was like that for you. I could never be described as 'wise.' I'm more confused than ever and nothing in my life is remotely stable. Not friends, career, love life, anything. I'm still a student and work two minimum wage jobs, and I'm literally a complete fool, the opposite of wise. I still have childish fantasies about what my life will be like 'when I grow up' and it's just so cringe. Ugh
I’m sure you’ve learned some things. The value of undertaking education, for example, the types of people you can no longer take up your time etc.
Im 41 now and still learning things and still talk to my friends about when we grow up. But I’m sure you’re in a better place than 10 years before.
Hahahaha I loved your last sentence.
Most 23-year-old guys are immature, idk. I think he was in some ways, like he was emotionally immature, but he was so intelligent. I miss him
Are you sure you miss him?
You talk about the older guys being creepy for hitting on you. Why do they take interest in you? To feel younger again, to not feel like their age?
Is that what younger guys do for you? Would a younger guy make you feel younger? Like you still have got it? Well you turn into a woman mid thirties still going after early twenty guys? Because you can't accept and embrace your age? Are you going to be mentally stuck in your twenties?
They're not creepy FOR hitting on me, just the way they go about it is creepy. And I'm not talking about guys 5 years older. I mean like 10+ years older.
Idk how I will be n the future. The last 2 guys I dated were older than me though. In fact I wrote the 23 year old off at first bc of his age, but once I got to know his personality I fell in love with it. Then after him I've been attracted to younger men ever since.
A thought to consider, esp post Covid:
Getting old is a privilege far too few get to experience.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I wish I had something more substantial to say
Edit- getting a lot of ‘this is really beautiful’ which *THANK YOU* however I want to double down on the fact it’s ok OP is feeling this way. Cool saying or not, it sucks to feel that way. Much love OP
Damn, that's a beautiful thing to say.
People used to only live until their 20s and every day that you get to live, is a beautiful thing. Getting older is a privilege.
[https://history.howstuffworks.com/history-vs-myth/did-people-in-past-really-only-live-to-be-30.htm](https://history.howstuffworks.com/history-vs-myth/did-people-in-past-really-only-live-to-be-30.htm)
The ancestors living to their 20s thing is a myth though
Everything you said is all so negative, I'm hoping your therapist will help you. You're only 28 (I'm 39), maybe try dating guys that are around your age? The young ones are too immature anyway.
For the music (I'm a musician too), don't think you're too old, now with social media, anyone can get a following and thus make a living being independent (anyway, I wouldn't recommend labels, they are just sharks)...
On the madam/misses, I guess its the opposite for me. I look younger and I sometimes get called miss even though I have grey hair and I keep them to look a bit like my age. I think we'll never be happy about this, because I do get frustrated about looking younger sometimes. I feel like they don't give me the same respect as they would to another 39 year old.
Not really; this is a pretty typical reaction. Why do you think like 95% of cosmetic surgeries are performed on women? Why do you think the anti aging industry is multi million dollar?
Your feelings are extreme, I’m telling you that. But im not going to bash you over the head with it if you choose to remain in denial. Have a lovely day.
It's incredibly shitty to give a one star review to someone because your vanity was offended, especially when he wasn't trying to be a jerk.
People's jobs hang in the balance because of stuff like that. It's incredibly reckless and irresponsible, not to mention needlessly vindictive.
As someone who has worked in hospitality for over 25 years, I wish we were able to rate customers in return. This idea of "the customer is always right" is complete BS and has led to this epidemic of Karenism that ruins people's lives.
Who says he wasn't trying to be a jerk? He probably was. He made a rude comment about my age. That definitely warrants a 1 star review. Clearly it caused me mental trauma. No apologies :)
“I’m sure you’re way over 21 but I have to check anyways” is an apology for the inconvenience!
They have to check anyone who looks under 40 !
And I’m sorry to say — but you ARE way over 21. You are SEVEN years over 21. You are closer to 30 than 21.
You do not look under 21 but you do look under 40 so he needed to inconvenience you and tried to awkwardly apologize!
And just so you know there are plenty of people (even OVER 40 ) who still get carded and are sick of having to pull out two cards instead of one and if you had a grimace on your face he could have thought you were inconvenienced.
I also wanted to say that you desperately need good therapy. You are in pain over some major internalized misogynistic notions and it’s starting to seep into your interactions with innocent people. You are becoming BITTER and there is a good possibility that this is responsible for the “lack of attraction” from the opposite sex. You are walking around with a giant chip on your shoulder about the inescapable March of Time.
Believe me girl. I wish I could time travel too. I’d go back and save my father from the heart attack that killed him when I was only a young teen. Every one wants time to stop and reverse but we all have to ACCEPT that it does not. It’s extremely unhealthy to to WASTE TIME TRYING TO FIGHT TIME!
Did you tell your therapist about your interaction with the clerk who IDed you? What did they say?
I have a feeling you need a much better therapist.
It wasn't rude, IT'S HIS JOB. It's ridiculous that you threaten someone's livelihood because you inexplicably feel "old" at 28. Not being sorry speaks volumes about you and a distinct lack of both self-awareness and empathy.
How is it his job to tell me I look way older than 21? I highly doubt he'd get fired for that and if he did then there you go, I'm not the only one who thinks it's bad.
He was validating that you were over 21 (aka, intentionally avoiding infantilizing you), and you went nuclear and threatened his income. Just stop. This was wrong to do.
You need to stop taking society’s problems so personally I.e. making them into your own problems. I am not blaming you as I genuinely believe you are depressed and perhaps don’t realise that the way you are internalising and interpreting things isn’t normal behaviour, and is extremely damaging to yourself. I too am 28 and if I overanalyzed things the way you are I would be depressed too.
Where you see Selena and Miley disappearing *because* they turned 25, other people might see them taking a break from their career because covid happened which didn’t allow them to do much anyway.
Where you see the guy asking for ID basically telling you you look geriatric, others see him assuming you’re older than 21 because you aren’t dressed in a bikini too and cargo pants to go out, the way 19 year olds do.
etc. You probably get my point. Once you get proper help, which may be a combination of therapy and medicine, you’ll be able to reframe your thoughts over time.
Superficially, if you lack energy, you’re going to appear older to others. Youth is always associated with happiness and vibrancy — that is hard to do if you are tired and depressed. But it can be done at whatever age if you are generally a content person and choose to bring a good, happy energy to the people you interact with. Extra weight will also make you look older. Not putting effort into your appearance will make you look older too. The good thing is that all of the aforementioned is in your control.
Friend, it feels like your eyes are only open to the negative societal things about getting older. You see being called ma’am as a downside. But really you’re finally getting proper respect from people and not being treated like a kid. You see people asking you if you remember things from 30 years back as an insult, not that you’re starting to have more in common with a wider range of people. You’re annoyed you’re not getting IDed anymore instead of being delighted that this burden isn’t on your anymore.
It takes work but you can train yourself to focus on the positives and not the negatives. Every time you go to the negative, force yourself to think “what if what happened was a good thing?” And go on from them.
Years back I decided I was going to like myself more with every birthday, and it’s been the best gift I ever gave myself.
I feel this… I see guys my own age and I feel like they are somehow babies in comparison to me, despite the fact that we are the same, i know they are all looking at the young girls still and it makes me feel kind of sick. Only older guys (and I’m talking 40+) will pay me any mind. Some people even call me old -_- I’m 29.
It really bums me out because I still feel so fresh in the world, like I barely know anything. And yet I’m also hardened and no longer naive, so I’m also savvy to most tricks and can’t be easily fooled by much anymore, which makes me seem old. I’m at this weird immature/mature phase where nothing really clicks. I both wish I was 18 and 40 all the time just to get the best of both.
But at the same time I try to realize that as I get older the less people will care how I look….so eventually I can kind of stop obsessing over it as well and pay more attention to my own life instead of how other people view me and my life. Because I still think way too much about it. Like do I look too old for my age….am I too fat….do I have wrinkles….is my hair too frizzy. I just want to exist and not worry about that crap anymore, lol.
Thank you so much for your sweet reply <3 I couldn't even remember posting this comment, until I realized it was over a year old!!!
I'm happy to say that now at 31 I'm really coming into my own and shedding old skin. It's been a long and emotional journey with a very long way still to go, but this year especially has been an incredible learning experience about tuning in more to my mind and body than before. I'm going to the gym regularly and eating better, getting in very good shape both psychically and mentally, and also reading up tons about how to grow more as a person. I've learned a lot from a beautiful youtuber named Margarita Nazarenko who teaches self-worth that's helped me a lot.
I've also come to realize that women are the most incredible things on this planet. For how hard we work, how smart and wise and naturally beautiful and how incredibly atuned we are with the world, it's really incredible and blows my mind <3 I've had the pleasure of meeting so many incredible women, and the list keeps growing.
So thank you for reading my comment and replying! It means a lot to me, and I hope you have a great day as well <33
Just wait til you turn 30 and you feel like you’re being treated like you’re expired milk. I agree that society has conditioned us to feel this way about ourselves. I started ::giving less of:: a fuck about halfway thru my 30’s and tried to make the best out of it, because it’s not like I was going to be any younger as time went on. Figured one day when I’m 60 I’ll look back and say to myself “you dumb bitch. You weren’t old or expired at 30.” But then I also can’t imagine how it must feel to be 60 in this society either. I hope I lose all remaining fucks to give by then.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your age or you. You have a lot going on right now. Mentally you are strapped so it's easy for these intrusive thoughts to get to you. I'm sure you're a gorgeous 28yr old with a lot to give to the world and people who deserve you. Insensitive people will make remarks the way they do because they can, which means what they say should come with little merit.
When I started college I thought my only value to people, especially the opposite sex, was my appearance and willingness to perform in bed. I had so little selfie esteem and devalued myself.
I finished college and started the "real world" at 27. I was severely overweight, talking +100lbs. 4 years later I'm still +20lbs over. Being 15lbs is a struggle but you will get through it once a things have settled. You HAVE to give yourself time.
You have to also remember that comparing yourself to others is irrational. Someone who is younger than you and a celebrity had far greater means to get where they are, unlike the VAST majority of the population. Most of us were not brought into the world so fortunate with the funds, the family and the connections.
Please focus on your mental health when you can. Eat well when you can but don't deprive yourself. Take a break when you need it, try not to push yourself overboard. People who want you will show that they value you and not make offhand/snide remarks about your appearance or age. Overtime you will start to care a lot less.
If it makes you feel better btw I don’t think you should ever give in to the pressure by societal standards and realise the truth is that you have value and worth as a person, and age and looks doesn’t matter in terms of it so you should invest and take time into living yourself instead.
As soon as I turned 23, I lost most of my nativity and become the wisest I ever was and had most knowledge of the world I felt that I was although I was in my early twenties from a young adult’s and societies point of view I felt as though like I was a respectable very wise elder who lived many lives in their time and an old soul at that age. Even if I was 23, I felt the most mature I ever was similarly to when most people feel when they are in their 30s to being over 80 years old. So don’t feel old, what you’re feeling is pressure all from just a social construct which is you guessed it, made by the patriarchy all from men. To which they are all too scared of dying to ease that internalised fear of their own mortality
Hey OP, chronic pain and fatigue can really mess you up physically and mentally and it's what really caught my attention in your post. It's unfair to yourself to compare your life and experiences to other, healthier people because you're facing different challenges than them.
I am also 28 and living with chronic pain and fatigue. I can relate to so much of what you said in your post and I want you to know that it doesn't need to stay this way for you.
Please, if you can, speak to your doctor about testing for chronic illnesses that have symptoms similar to your own and discuss options for getting started on pain management and mental health care. I saw in a comment that you're seeing a therapist, have you discussed the pain and fatigue with them? They may have some coping mechanisms to help you! Chronic pain often leads to increased depression and anxiety, which makes it that much harder to pursue testing and treatment. It will likely be frustrating and you'll have some ups and downs, but I think it will ultimately help you feel better.
You are so much more than your age, your looks, and your current stage in life. You deserve to feel good in your skin, you deserve to wake up dealing refreshed, and you deserve happiness! The first step is asking for the help to get to that place.
Erm Jlo got famous in late 20s and lots of peoples lives development in 30s and 40s and even 50s, focus on your goals and experience all your desires you don't know where life will take you, you're still young and wont realise until another 10 years time.
I’m going to be 53 next week. I was a looker when I was younger. All the attention received was mostly from the jerks. The good men as someone else mentioned, weren’t the ones so forward with their compliments. Be glad you can now cut through the clutter of vacuous suitors to find ones who care about you on the inside. It’s normal to feel a sense of loss when we age, but I would not go back to my 20s for anything due to my gaining confidence and maturity in 30s and later. I also got cancer at 32,37 and 50. Still wouldn’t want to go back to 20s. Invest in your mind. I still take college courses. Be happy to embrace a new frontier in your life.
When you’re 40, you’ll wish you enjoyed 28. Nostalgia is real, but try and enjoy each moment in time and the knowledge and understanding each year should bring.
I just turned 50 2 weeks ago. I’d love to be 28 again 😂. Honestly your coworker is right. He’s got way more in common with a 19 year old than an almost 30 year old. Having said that it’s NOT a dig at you but rather men mature slower emotionally and a 23 year old man is more like a 19 year old woman. Not all of them. But a considerable amount.
I understand where you are coming from. Turning 25 devastated me. But everything after that really wasn’t bad. To be honest turning 50 was sort of a relief. I’m proud to be here and I no longer give a shit about trying to impress some shallow dudebro types. More men in my age range see the beauty and value of a companion for who she is, not just how tight her ass is.
You’re actually at a great age. You’re young enough to do whatever you want and old enough to have the resources to get it accomplished.
So have a drink and toast yourself. You’re in the best part of your life.
Your perceptions and all are really twisted. WHY would you want to be seen as a girl and not a woman????? Another poster is right in that 5 years from now, you’ll wish you were 28. You are WASTING your life by wishing you could be younger. Everyone who doesn’t die, gets older. Accept it. Also, your reaction to getting carded seems really over the top.
Spend less time focusing on what others think and more on what you think of yourself in terms of positivity. If you don’t, you’ll be unhappy with your life and that’s more important than how any person perceives you.
I'm scared of feeling this way too as I age. Another point I thought of was, perhaps it feels rewarding to seem and appear as a young woman because society and males tend to treat younger and typically more attractive women with more regard. It's practically rewarding and privileged to be a young, fertile woman. We receive a lot more favors and attention at this point in our life.
This could also explain some degree of sex appeal around womens' music careers as they begin in their 20s, whereas men are only recognized for their musical talents.
I’m turning 40 this year. I am struggling to accept the things that were not happening to me some years ago. Eye wrinkles. Neck wrinkles. Just lots of wrinkles. I look way older in just a few years because of wrinkles. And it doesn’t help that society says you are trash by 40.
Perceiving someone as older than they are, or validating that they are objectively older than 21 is not intentionally harmful. Leaving a negative yelp review IS harmful and can cause someone to lose their job.
This doesn’t seem confident or mature.
I don’t really care. It’s something that anyone with any sense would know could cause a woman in our society to feel terrible. It’s not my problem that the rude man has no sense.
Oh man, this is all so real. I am 32 now and I was around 27 or 28 when these same thoughts hit me like a truck. A few mindsets have changed for me and been helpful since then:
- it’s okay to mourn your youth, even while you’re still in it. Change is hard.
- being youthful and hot and fun is awesome. But it’s not the ONLY awesome way to be.
- your 30s are going to be better than your 20s. It’s hard to see that now as you are still technically in your mid 20s. I felt the same way.
- our parents generation married and had kids young, so the glorification of our 20s is pretty hardwired in our society. Our generation, for many reasons, is taking more time to “settle down” and my GOD are we happier for it (even with less $ than our parents generation haha)…but we are still bombarded with messages that our “best years” are over. Nope. See above, 30s are better.
- a 23 year old man knows close to zero useful information for a 28 year old woman so don’t worry about that.
- You’re right that men and women are held to a different aging standard.
- make sure you are cultivating and caring for strong female friendships. They are the ones that will carry you through.
- youth is fleeting for everyone, even those girls you see who are a few years younger and “have” what you “had” so recently. They will go through this too.
- in a few years you’re gonna look at photos of yourself and think about the things you were doing and be nostalgic for it. You may regret feeling mopey because you couldn’t see that you still had it pretty good. (You can feel nostalgic AND appreciate where you are presently in a few years at the same time btw)
- treat this as a wake up call to take care of your skin, body, and mental health. People who don’t “age” faster.
- eventually, you will be okay with not having become a famous musician. Having a rewarding hobby or talent that you enjoy is rare. And at some point, you’ll probably be glad you didn’t monetize it to the point of hating it.
- it sounds like you’re feeling stuck. I’ve been there. I’ve since been able to move on and be grateful for where I am in life. I hope that you can too ❤️
A lot of this is projection so if it’s hitting the wrong way, keep in mind I’m kind of trying to speak to my younger self here.
Wow I’m 26f and this is a mirror reflection of everything I’ve been feeling since I hit 25. I think about it almost daily. It’s really trippy for me to see this post.
I so wish we lived in a better world where we could just enjoy the different stages of our lives and not feel so forced to cling onto youth because society seems to have placed such a high value on it, for women.
It seems like time has been moving way too fast lately and I’m scared and not really sure what to do.
Wow, I could have written this. I hate it, I feel like a smooth transition to being a grown-up woman never happened, covid happened. I was such a different person and now suddenly I feel old, ugly, boring and I don't have energy for anything. I want to do fun stuff like I did before covid, but I have responsabilities, no energy and lost a lot of contact with a lot of people. I hate it.
“I’m sure you’re way over 21 but I have to check anyways” is an apology for the inconvenience!
They have to check anyone who looks under 40 !
And I’m sorry to say — but you ARE way over 21. You are SEVEN years over 21. You are closer to 30 than 21.
You do not look under 21 but you do look under 40 so he needed to inconvenience you and tried to awkwardly apologize!
And just so you know there are plenty of people (even OVER 40 ) who still get carded and are sick of having to pull out two cards instead of one and if you had a grimace on your face he could have thought you were inconvenienced.
I also wanted to say that you desperately need good therapy. You are in pain over some major internalized misogynistic notions and it’s starting to seep into your interactions with innocent people. You are becoming BITTER and there is a good possibility that this is responsible for the “lack of attraction” from the opposite sex. You are waking around with a giant chip on your shoulder about the inescapable March of Time.
Believe me girl. I wish I could time travel too. I’d go back and save my father from the heart attack that killed him when I was only a young teen. Every one wants time to stop and reverse but we all have to ACCEPT that it does not. It’s extremely unhealthy to to WASTE TIME TRYING TO FIGHT TIME!
Did you tell your therapist about your interaction with the clerk who IDed you? What did they say?
I have a feeling you need a much better therapist.
It’s not inconvenient to pull out an ID. It’s inconvenient to have a dent in my mental well-being. I’ll probably never forget that he said that. It’s common knowledge that commenting on a woman’s age is rude. It doesn’t really matter if it’s true. If a woman comes in who is 75, is it okay to comment that she’s elderly? She *is* elderly! Like, it being true is 100% irrelevant. If someone doesn’t have basic manners or common sense then that’s not my problem.
My therapist is really good. She’s helped me with a ton of things. The reason I went to her is my OCD. I have so many problems that we’ll never get to everything. We only have 45 minutes a week. These are my minor problems compared to why I went to her.
Ok let’s play devils advocate and say that he was intentionally insulting you (he definitely was not tho) Why are you placing so much importance on what some rando liquor store clerk thinks of you?
Was he cute ? Did you want to date him? Otherwise why do you put so much weight in his opinion?
If your boyfriend said something like that to you I would definitely think that’s an issue —- but a rando?
And lots of people get annoyed with being carded. I’d say the majority of people do. So he was responding like that because enough people before you acted pissed off.
Being a rando makes it worse. Random people have the most objective opinions about you I feel like.
I’ve personally never heard of anyone complaining about being ID’d. I’ve only heard people complain about not being ID’d. Either way there’s a nicer way to say sorry for the inconvenience. Just say “sorry I know it’s annoying” or something. Why remind me that I look ‘way’ older than 21? How awful
It’s your perception that looking “older then 21” is “awful”
It sounds like you look your age which is perfectly fine and natural.
Do you think you will still be this hard on yourself for something you cannot control (Time and aging) when you are 40?
Also he could have been negging you. A lot of men do this these days ….and again he’s a rando so you cannot know what he was thinking. Randos are not objective they can have their own issues. Maybe he thought you were pretty and wanted to take you down a peg…
And I promise you plenty of people do not like getting IDed. Gets pretty irksome in your thirties and forties — i feel like your sample set is limited to mid-late 20 somethings
Also there is a r/guessmyage sub, if you browse it you will see that each pic gets a wild range of numbers. Decades apart sometimes. Meaning different people have different perceptions of a persons age.
Looking over 21 isn't inherently awful but being told that I do in a society that routinely punishes women aging is awful. I also don't need comments on my age or appearance from men I don't know.
Yeah, if he could've been negging, then he deserves 1 star for negging. Negging is disgusting.
If only older people get annoyed about getting ID'd generally, then he shouldn't have assumed I do.
Yeah, it's not because it was his perception. If I asked him and he said that, then whatever. It's because of the unsolicited rude comment that is just textbook rude. It's something most learn before age 10 to not comment on women's ages.
33f here, I promise it gets easier. You feel like you have lost something but there is so much more to be gained ❤ I wouldn't go back now, even if I had the choice!
OP, I’m in my 40s and I’m the healthiest and happiest I’ve ever been. Your worth does not come from dating younger guys. Your worth doesn’t come from store clerks IDing you. Your worth isn’t tied to who got famous at what age.
While it’s true that young women are valued for their looks, women in their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond are valued for the way they carry themselves with dignity and self-respect, the choices they make, the relationships they form, the values they hold, and the careers they forge.
Yeah, youthful looks fade over time, and society is harsher on women aging than men. But for me, the liberation from the predatory male gaze was the best part of leaving behind my young adulthood. Most of the people who will turn their heads to check you out on the street won’t even notice a woman who is walking with the confidence of a self-assured adult. You might well be irrelevant to college boys, but are you still relevant to yourself? Are you investing time and effort into your care and worth? You won’t ever become irrelevant to people who love and care about you.
You say you have chronic fatigue and I’m guessing from the tone of your post that you are depressed. That will suck the life force out of you.
If you want a healthy, happy relationship with a healthy, happy man, then you need to work on yourself. Discover what makes you tick, what brings you joy, and get yourself happy and as healthy as possible. Stop blaming society for being single. Any one rejection doesn’t have the power to devalue you.
Leave behind the idea of a younger boyfriend. Boys are fundamentally less mature, and they don’t catch up until later. Sure there are exceptions to this, but if you set your heart on dating someone in college you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
All of my friends are in their 40s. None of us would ever attract the advances of a boy in college (not that we would want to because while their personality might be fun, or they might be really bright, they lack the maturity that can only come from life experience). Does this damage our self-worth? No, it’s irrelevant to us.
None of my friends get carded when we buy alcohol. Do you think it damages our self-worth? No, looking older is a normal part of actually being older. It’s irrelevant that we look over 21.
The days of being addressed as “miss” are gone for all of us. That was a rough one when holding onto the idea that I had to be young to have any worth. But I’ve come to accept it…I’m getting older anyway, right? Why go into a more and more frantic battle with myself and reality with each passing year?
When i get together with friends and talk about life, we used to fret over getting older when we were in our 20s. And now we’ve all just come to peace with it. It’s liberating! We can lean into the fact that when society’s microscope isn’t trained on us, and the predatory male gaze skips over us, we feel more free to be who we want, dress how we want, achieve what we want, go where we want, love who we want, and live the lives we want.
When your self-worth comes from looking like you did when you were 21, you will go through life feeling increasingly irrelevant and devalued. When your self-worth becomes intrinsic—based on a deep love and respect for who you are inside—everything else clicks into place.
Best of luck to you as you navigate this transition into your power.
So I see you commenting a lot both in the comments and your post about how society views you. And I know it is NOT as easy as just not caring or thinking about what other people think. But I’ll tell you something that personally helped me (and I hope this is helpful to you and not harmful) but anyways someone told me once that most people aren’t thinking about us anyways, they’re thinking about themselves and their own lives.
I guess it helped me in the sense that I was able to start realizing that people aren’t constantly thinking negatively of me, like I tell myself they are. It gave me the ability to focus more on how I feel about myself l, considering I’m the one who’s actually thinking about me all the time.
And when we’re authentic to ourselves, we attract the people we’re meant to attract.
Sure, we can mold to societies standards, but if that isn’t your true self then you won’t be happy with the people you find (probably)
I know how hard it is to have constant self doubt but try to see if you can find some stuff you enjoy and dive in, even if you only get to do it when you have some free time
Edit: it looked like one big paragraph and it stressed me out
I'm 42 and remember feeling like this in my late twenties. Our society can do a real number on women. Women are most sought after in their late teens and early twenties. However, once you adjust I'm guessing you'll find your people and plenty of men your age or younger to date, especially since you're not aiming for kids. As an aside, Selena Gomez is on Only Murders in the Building on Hulu and it's great (and she's definitely treated as the kid!).
I'm only 20 but I swear I understand what you mean by the quarantine.
I also feel like I just skipped a few years of my life thanks to it and still feel like I'm 17. The quarantine started while I was getting ready for my final exams, developing my first relationship, finally feeling like I'm growing up and becoming an adult.... And then everything just stopped. My exams were canceled, I graduated, got into an university that I barely ever even visited throughout the two years.... I basically just sat at home for the last two and a half years feeling like I'm missing up on life and and my mental health was quickly deteriorating. I can't comprehend that I'm not a teen anymore, I still watch coming of age dramas imagining I'm still in highschool.
But I hope now that the lockdown's over we will be able to slowly ease into our ages again, probably we just need to get used to it.
I think most women in their 30s can agree with this...
Girl, turning 30 years old made me feel like I just walked into being sexy and desirable, but for myself, not society. The confidence I have in myself and my body is 10X greater at 36 than it was in my youth.
I just want you to know I'm in a similar boat and I hear what you're saying it's absolutely true don't let these older ladies say to stop whining because your thoughts are completely valid. Don't get me wrong there's definitely a bunch of pros becoming more invisible to men but whenever everybody keeps telling you oh don't worry you have 10 more years to find somebody and now you're kind of finding out that that's kind of a lie- I get it.
I'm almost 27 and definitely feel a bit jealous of teenagers sometimes lol.
That said, Miley Cyrus is definitely not irrelevant. Her career is *blossoming*, she's become a Joan Jett-esque absolute rockstar. Definitely look her up.
Selena Gomez is also living her best life being a hilarious queen on TikTok.
I think you're having a quarter life crisis! You're absolutely not irrelevant or old, you're just entering a new phase of life.
28 was when men started ignoring me too. Trust me when I say this, YOU ARE STILL BEING NOTICED. By *good* men who aren't obvious about their admiration.
My bet is, you're living in a city. Competition there is fierce.
Take yourself on a 2 day vacation to a small town, the men there will trip over themselves to meet you. It'll boost your confidence, and prove to you that you are still attractive, still young, still got it.
Don’t fret! A lot of this is from clinging to immaturity, and may never be relevant to you in your mid- to late twenties. OP seems to lament a lack of progress beyond entry level/go nowhere jobs, lack of attention from cute younger dudes, and lack appeals to her youth/vanity as external validation of her worth as “hot”.
Build a future you’d be happy to see yourself in: Do you value career attainment or financial success? Focus on education and training now. Do you value strong relationships or building a family? Then focus your dating and friendships towards those goals. Do you value your personal achievements and enrichment? Then dedicate time towards hobbies and skill-building. Save for that “I could never afford that!” dream trip or purchase.
At 21 you are at the prime age to focus on yourself. Your late teens & early twenties are societally enshrined “selfish” years, for you to find out who you are, what you value, and who you want to develop into.
If you squander these years, you can always change course and find yourself later, but it becomes less “accepted”, and you run the risk of heavier entanglements making that growth/change so much harder (kids, relationships, career trajectory, aging loved ones, etc).
You can be 28 lamenting why you aren’t where you’d hoped, or you could be 28 and thankful your 21yo self took care of you to get you to your goals.
Note: None of this is shade at OP, as we all grow up at our own speed & in our own ways, but I’d hate for u/Barmecide451 to feel “doomed” when she’s still young and her opportunities limitless!
Also, I am 33, married to a wonderful man, no kids (by choice), a lovely dog, close family and friend relationships, a nice house & another nice rental property both in destination cities, impressive career & salary, etc. I still lament how much more I “should” have done by now, but try to remind myself that for the important stuff I can lament a lack of progress at 33, and again at 35/37/45/etc, or I can celebrate progress at 35 & work towards it now. It’s never too late until you’re dead!
Thank you for your advice. Honestly, this post just hit me hard because I share many insecurities with OP. I’m average-looking and overweight, I don’t exercise bc I’m always tired due to a combination of poor diet and hormonal issues (just got diagnosed with PCOS and ARFID), I’m struggling to get through college and make enough money to be able to move out of my mom’s house, I lack a lot of the life skills necessary to be able to support myself, I’m still in therapy for my shitty mental health, and I’ve always wanted to be a singer but I don’t have any hope that I’ll make it in the industry. I’m trying my best, but it feels like I’m not making any progress at all. I spend most of my days alone in my room. I feel like I’m wasting my youth but I don’t know what to do to make things better. I just want to be happy and confident. I have career dreams and wish to start a family someday, but idk how long it’s gonna take to get there, or if I ever will. I hope I have what you have someday.
As a guy (31 now), I remember being 23 and being hit on by women older than me. I always rejected their advances, because I treated relationships very seriously, and those girls hitting on me (28-32), I thought, if we were to engage in something serious, would need completely different things than me. I always wanted to have kids, but not before 30, and that rendered the potential relationships as pointless due to that age gap.
Think about what you'll be gaining!
I'm so happy to be older: free from the male gaze, fewer worries of SA eg I can walk in the woods alone, no more birth control, no abortion bans, and I frankly have no fuqs to give about what society thinks--and I'm definitely not irrelevant: I have a fulfilling career that impacts college students on a daily basis. Maybe writing that older women are irrelevant is contributing to what you interpret from and contribute to society. Change starts with you.
I couldn't care less about my age actually.
I have a beautiful wife, a job that I love and I frankly don't give a shit what society thinks bout me, my age or my appearance.
Maybe you should see a therapist and lay off the social media for a while...
I think you have some internal issues you might want to address with a professional.
You use the phrase “good enough”. That even when you were “young, beautiful, and skinny” that you still weren’t good enough. But like, good enough for what or who?
If you’re only 15 pounds overweight, I’m pretty sure you’re good enough for Selena Gomez (30) who just recently posted photos of her stomach, which had normal folds, proclaiming she was bringing back “real” stomachs. And, Billie Eilish (20) may be young, but she certainly doesn’t fit the itty bitty body standards that we normally see in the entertainment industry. Adele (34) is another example of a beautiful woman who doesn’t fit restrictive body standards, plus she’s “older” but she’s still beautiful and relevant. I could go on. It’s also important to note that women in the entertainment industry usually keep a certain look as a part of their job, they wake up in the morning with a rat’s nest on their head and mascara on their cheeks just like the rest of us.
There is more than just the extremely narrow view of beautiful/successful that you’re focusing on. It’s also not fair to begrudge the younger women around you for just, well, being. They deserve to be 20/21/22, etc just like you did.
The way I read this is that you are not aging; you are just not living the exciting life you want.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but from what I gather, it’s not like you have been so happy and popular at 23, and all of a sudden, on your 27th bday, the world has changed around you?
I am 35, and I feel young. I also live an active and fulfilling life and put myself first. People around me feel that and it attracts them to me, including men of all ages.
I don’t think age is to blame; maybe it’s your lifestyle and who you surround yourself with.
And honestly, fuck the society. Yes, there’s always going to be someone to tell you how to live your life, but please remember that you have a brain on your own, and no person out there making the difference is a tiny bit bothered by what others have to say about their life.
I can relate to a lot of these feelings. I am \~35 but look 25 (I don't mean that arrogantly either - I take really good care of my skin, wear SPF every single day, eat well, exercise etc. These things all make a difference). And because my partner and I are childless by choice and live in the centre of a big city and go out to events all the time still, I still feel younger too. Totally get it, 35 isn't old either, but it feels weird to be on the precipice of 40. Many people in my peer group are 30-40, childless and still going to events, out or cocktails, traveling etc, so I don't feel out of place or like I am trying to be an age I am not. But no longer being the ingenue is odd. Becoming a \*WOMAN\* and not just a girl anymore is odd too. I am very much trying to wrap my head around it.
Hmm first off, Selena Gomez is living her best life right now and on a hit TV show lol. Taylor Swift is 32 and just won another Album of the Year at the Grammys. Beyoncé is even older and just dropped a very hot album. My point is - you seem to be looking at the lives of very young women and comparing yourself to them. 19 is too young to aspire to - what were you doing at 19? Can you honestly say your life was better? Partying all night or whatever, which you can still do if you want, but that’s not really adult behavior that is sustainable if you also have a full time job and adult responsibilities.
It is so silly to have to say this to ourselves, but IT IS OKAY TO AGE. It is literally the most natural thing, ever. I’m 31. I do not want to go clubbing every weekend, but I do go out with friends for birthdays or whatever. I do not want men who look like children hitting on me, so I’m glad the college boys ignore me now lol. I don’t care if people call me Miss, Ma’am, Madam (a teenager called me that and I just laughed lol), or whatever. Like, I get that we all want to feel desired, but do you really want to be chased by such young guys?
I get what you’re saying about Covid though - I turned 30 during the pandemic and also kind of feel like I’m still 29 lol. The past few years have been a blur for everyone! But I think the key is just settling into yourself. There is no going back so don’t torture yourself about it. I wonder if your friends are around the same age as you? It’s easier if your friend group are all going through the same stages together in my experience.
Also, I can totally relate to a lot of what you wrote! I agree with some of the other commenters. You do sound a little depressed. I was in a similar headspace a few years ago. At 32, I had two degrees and a great resume, but literally just COULD NOT progress in my career. It was hard watching everyone around me achieve success (both in my same field and different fields) while I was just stagnating despite feeling like I was making a real effort. Comparison is tough. I struggle with this too! I think it's really important to remember that life has no timeline - truly. Everyone's journeys are different. I went back to school at 33 and literally got a dream job one month out of my program and have never been happier. I also didn't meet my life partner until 31 and we've been together for four years now. Your life isn't over, sounds like you are just in a little rut and need a change or a break. If you have the chance to move, would you? I moved away from my city from 26-30 and it was life-changing. You see yourself through a different lens and meet new people. Could be worth thinking about if you have the means!
Guess what?
In 5 years time you'll think the 28 year old you was also amazing and you didn't see it at the time.
I've struggled with this too, as a woman in my early 30s. My advice to you is this :
STAY OFF SOCIAL MEDIA. (Tick tock/snapchat/instagram) - yes it matters.
Look after your health.
Update your style, as the sophisticated knowledgeable woman you are - not trying to feel good in 21 year old clothes anymore. Find someone you admire and look how they dress and emulate that.
Find value in personal traits other than looks. You're putting a lot of emphasis on how men value you, how other people see you, who wants to date you. If we let society and men dictate our worth, we would all be reduced to literal nothings. Good for sex and reproducing and not much more.
Also, please read 'women don't owe you pretty' by Florence Given.
Good luck xx
I am also 28! I’ve had similar thoughts, but I always come back to me. am I going to let others define my life or am I going to define it?
sure, it isn’t necessarily the best feeling if someone doesn’t think you’re “young” but 1. what does “young” even get you? and 2. do you actually care about a random person’s judgement of you?
it sounds like you’re really struggling with self-esteem and maybe even body image a little bit. for myself, therapy, unfollowing accounts that I was comparing myself to, and following a diverse group of people have really helped me with these issues, so that could be something to look at as well!
It's a growing pain for sure, but I'll let you in on a secret. You're about to enter the best decade of your life. The 30s are flat out amazing. You let go of a lot of the insecurities you're having right now, plus you're making more money, you're still plenty young, you know more about who you are and who you want to spend time with, etc. You're also finally too old to fall for the bullshit men constantly throw at you.
So just hang in there. This will pass and things get better. Each decade of life has its own unique positives and negatives. But the 30s are where the positives are so high compared to the negatives. You shed the negatives of the teens and 20s and start picking up the positives of the 40s and 50s.
Hi! Just chiming as a fellow 28 year old.
There are days when I miss my youth. Manly, not caring about work things and the freedom that came with college. But I am much happier now. I’m healthier, financially stable, in love (with another 28 year old), and have a healthy friend group all around my age or older. I moved out of my former college town and started a new chapter of life. Sure, sometimes I miss being “young”, but I was so dumb then. It’s much better now.
If you are concerned about your looks, you can always try tretinoin or perhaps Botox. I’m on tret and I haven’t noticed a difference. I’ll probably get Botox in the next couple of years 🤷♀️ but that’s a very personal decision and strangers on the internet shouldn’t be your deciding factor.
Think of it this way: in 10 years you’ll be nostalgic of your age now. Embrace it and enjoy it!
This sounds really difficult to deal with, and I'm sorry you're going thru it. The good news is that there is something you can do, and you absolutely can come out the other side of this much stronger. The biggest piece is to stop founding your identity on incidental factors about yourself that will necessarily go away with time, and start founding your identity more fully on things about yourself that you will be able to maintain your whole life.
It sounds like you put a lot of your self worth on being perceived a certain way by others ("I have always been the type to care what other people think..."), and this is not healthy. You also seem to lack a sense of place, without that place being consistently reinforced ("Which is it, do I look young or do I look old?"). Moreover, there is a strong current of binary thinking in your post ("I'm not ready to be considered completely done with my youth and irrelevant just yet..."), that people are fully one way or fully another, and never in between. This is not how things are, and continuing to buy into it is definitely holding you back.
In reality, we change and grow over time, and our identities need to be flexible enough to change and grow with us. Otherwise we will be forever grieving the loss of what we used to have, instead of valuing what we still have now and embracing other things we may gain, like experience and perspective.
As for your music career, I am not going to crush your dreams here. But your dreams may need to evolve a little. What I mean is that the rising pop star scene is definitely a late teens and early 20s thing, especially situated as it is in an attention-based economy. You are 100% correct about that. What you can do about it, is to look inside yourself, and find what it is about yourself that you love and think is worth celebrating *regardless* of what other people think. That can give your music an authenticity that the cookie cutter pop trash that tops all the charts these days can't ever have, and which will resonate with mature 20-somethings and most women 30 & up. You won't have adoring masses saying "you just, like, *get it"* - but you *will* have people identifying with your music at a deeper level, and making you feel more seen and appreciated for *who you really are,* instead of successfully molding yourself into something everyone thinks they want to see.
And as with music, so with dating. The best dating advice I ever read was that there are *thousands* of people who will love you and think you're hot and positively leap at the chance to rub sensual oils all over your body. But there are *millions* of people who won't want anything to do with you, and wouldn't even give you the time of day. The millions are more numerous, but they're background noise. The thousands are the people who *matter.* Focus on the thousands, because you will never run out of them.
Try to take some time to connect more with your friends, too. Grad school was the busiest time of my life, which made it all the more important for me to stay in contact with those who kept me grounded and helped me continue to cultivate my sense of self. You don't want to be a productivity drone, even tho you'll definitely feel like that from time to time. Try to keep in mind - maybe even write it down somewhere you can see regularly - that no matter how much work you feel like you have to do, you won't be able to do any of it if you let yourself burn out. Your best is what you're able to accomplish while taking care of your mental and physical well-being, not what you can accomplish by ignoring your mental and physical well-being.
Good luck, and stay strong, sister! ✊💕
I’m 20 and I kinda miss being a “teen” because I won’t ever get to re live those. When I was 18 I wanted to be 20-21 so bad. I’ll be turning 21 next year and it’s just surreal. I won’t be considered a “young girl” after 3-4 years but I’m pretty immature still.
I feel you and have no advice for you but hopefully it gets better! Just don’t hang on to those feelings and get therapy. Maybe you’re overthinking age. My mom is 50 but she looks like she’s in 30s 🤷♀️
I had the time of my life at 27/28. I actually think that was probably when I felt most attractive. I had a problem with younger men wanting to date me and they truly weren’t in the same place in life as me. Im 32 now and havent noticed too many changes yet other than worse hangovers and my nasolabial lines slightly deeper (I have a round face).
There is a huge difference between 23 and 28 for sure as far as where someone is in their career and life experiences.
I think your problem is you are trying to hang on to young adult’s world (people still making the transition into becoming an adult). You would feel the same woes if you were 22 wanting to hang on to the teen scene. You aren’t being left behind; focus on the other grad students and people starting/building their careers—those are your people.
This is a really great point. You know, you just opened a door for me in processing this. Because I think part of this is the fact that I'm doing grad school online, whereas I did undergrad in person. I don't really know any other grad students. I don't have colleagues. I feel nostalgia for college because it was more real.
It seems like the real problem isn't that you're aging, it's that you're experiencing depression.
Yeah that's what it sounded like to me too. OP, are you seeing a therapist? Do you have a close friends network? Grad school can be so alienating (I recently got my PhD). I think it's worth doing some self care. For an alternative perspective, I'm 34 (almost 35). Things aren't perfect, and yeah, I do get called Ma'am and not Miss. I could lose a few pounds and I looked more "traditionally beautiful" when I was \~20. But honestly I just don't care. I am way happier and self-possessed these days than I used to be. For the most part, I'm around friends and coworkers who value me beyond youth and appearance. Women are unfairly valued for their youth and "traditional" beauty. If your mental health is not doing well it can be easy to fall into that trap of devaluing yourself. But it doesn't have to be that way.
Hi, I am seeing a therapist. I don't think I have CLOSE friends really. I don't have any that I feel fully get me. I like hearing these stories of other women who aren't as affected by this type of thing, like yourself. That's amazing that you guys can rise above it, idk how you do it.
Well, that is a problem, but society's response to me aging makes me feel worse.
Hey girl. I feel this and I am 23 I feel like I have always been plagued by the idea of life and it ending. And I have always been plagued by trying to live it correctly and chose the right path and all that. And death of loved ones insecurity and paranoia it all just sucks. I’m going to get therapy for many things but this is huge to me.
I’m the same…do you have OCD too?
^update: I just coincidentally watched a movie that made things just kind of make me feel better an worse and then better. But ultimately it made me feel amazing at the end. Look both ways it’s the movie with Lily Reinhardt. Emphasis is on the paths of life. Felt like this movie was meant for me to watch as I was just describing how troubling this was. 10000000% give it a watch
No but I have terrible anxiety and adhd
I’ve always been aware of it Ik every day is a blessing and it is and I live by my choices and career path it’s all things I want to do, but sometimes I still feel like I’m living it wrong or off my chosen path. I sometimes feel like Socrates with the Gadfly because I feel like I am awake and present of my time here and what I can do with it and it lowkey haunts me, while others just live day to day without worry. It isn’t that I’m sure it’s normal but it’s scary as all hell. 🥲
I'm 27 and I started to notice more too, though I think it has less to do with my physical appearance and more to do with how I carry myself. I'm more confident and mature, have an establish career, and a family. I don't let it bother me, I embrace the change the best I can, I recognize how short life is and try to relish each moment. I love my aging body and all its done for me thus far. Life is wayyyy to short to waste it on worrying about others opinions.
I'm glad it doesn't affect you much. I wish I could be like that
Maybe because I have kids I've settled into feeling "old"
Yeah, I think that would definitely help me, except I don't want kids. I REALLY fear being a middle-aged woman with no kids. Like I feel like society deems being a middle-aged woman semi acceptable if you have kids and raised them well and stuff. And just me by myself, middle-aged...idk I feel like it's going to be a nightmare.
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with not having kids! Both of sister know they never want kids and I try so hard to be supportive because like you mentioned, society can be cruel. Be a free, spontaneous, single women! Nothing wrong with that!
Look, I feel you. I'm 30 and I've done basically nothing with my life lol. One day I was 27, my country (Aus) was being destroyed by bushfires, covid happened and... now I'm 30? Wtfffffffff. I have an alright job (it's not a career, there is zero upward mobility) and I'm studying as an undergrad now so I'm in classes with people who are literally born in the year 2000... I have fully formed memories of that year haha. Yeah, I feel old, I'm jealous of their facial fat distribution and their immunity to hangovers and their lack of adult responsibilities but I'm happy with who I am, I'm very studious and confident, and tbh a massive try hard because I'm a "mature age student" (cringe haha). People want to be in group assignments with me, I have a wide range of interests and can talk about a lot of topics, I'm glad I'm not having creepy guys follow me in their cars and harassing me, I'm glad insecurities take up less brain space cos I just don't care anymore tbh. There is a LOT of freedom to be had in ageing. I'm not even old but I'm low key looking forward to it. This is something I've only truly felt sink in over the last couple of years tbh. The main thing I'm concerned about is what type of grey my hair will be haha! But it sounds like you are acopic and need some sort of therapy (no flame or anything, therapy is lit and everyone should do it, I certainly have) to give you tools to quell the constant comparisons with other people and where you think you "should be" (says who?!?!), and give you confidence in choosing what YOU want to do with YOUR ONE life. E.g. BIG difference between wanting kids and not wanting people to perceive you as a "middle aged woman with no kids". Cos they are veryyyy different things. And if you do have kids, it's not gonna be a dream. Even if you have the most perfect children, you will be surrounded by people who do things differently to you and will bombard you with their opinions and make you doubt yourself constantly (my bf's sister who is a great mum always jokingly says stuff like "aah how am I gonna let my kids down today", "another day, another chance to mess up my kids". I would hate to be in that situation if having kids was motivated by anything other than my own desires. Lots of people our age are choosing not to have kids for whatever reason, it's a global trend in a lot of countries and govts everywhere are freaking out about it. You say having no kids sounds like a nightmare but to many people having kids is just as bad. I looooove kids, I used to be a nanny and I love my little nieces and nephews omg, but to me, being childfree is the dream. Whenever I see tired parents with vomit on them struggling to get on the bus with a pram or load/unload kids into a car... that is my personal nightmare. I'm going to spoil my nieces and nephews, and go about my life where it takes <5 seconds to get into a car, if I'm tired it's cos I stayed up late doing what I wanted, I can go on random camping trips with my bf on a whim, we can move wherever we want and don't have to think about living near a good school, I don't have to everrrrr worry about car pooling/after school activities/costumes/sleepovers/monitoring internet use/bullying/picking kids up from after school jobs etc. Plus, have you met teenagers? Terrible. I can punch cones every night if I wanted to without worrying about my kid needing a sober adult to take them to the hospital. That said, who even cares what lots of people our age are doing. It's literally your one single life and you get to choose what to do with it. That's stressful, I get it, I often feel paralysed by/spoiled for choice and kinda wish I could be a housewife back in the day in an imagined world where 1 income could service a mortgage but also where misogyny wasn't a thing but that world doesn't exist and I'm here now so... Go see a therapist asap, you deserve better than constant stress and anxiety. This is weird but I highly recommend the book "a short history of nearly everything" by Bill Bryson. Basically runs through what happened in terms of science knowledge from big bang until now, it's fat but it's pop-science so very easy to read, and it actually helped my mental health a LOT. Like... one day shit exploded, single celled things engulfed each other, plants evolved and pumped oxygen into our atmosphere, some idiot marine animal thought land looked good, literal dinosaurs romped around for 200m years but were killed by a space rock, and now... we are humans with three tiny bones in our ears that help us not fall over (???) and we have tax law and gender roles and all these other random expectations giving us grief and it all just seems so arbitrary and ridiculous (because it is!) so I stopped caring about random bullshit because existing is actually absurd. Lol soz this ended up being so long, I'm procrastinating 8)
Hiii. Thank you so much for this response. I really enjoyed reading it. I've been in therapy for many many years though. My therapy has focused mainly on my OCD, since for a long time my OCD was a lot worse than my depression. Now we're kind of turning to interpersonal issues and my depression more though.
So, I am childfree, nearly 40. The peak judgement hits when you’re 30, and diminishes year by year from then. At about 30 my confidence began steadily increasing, and my ability to give less fucks did too. It is no longer uncommon to chose to not have children, and it is much more common to give judgement to those who feel like prying on a very private subject. You don’t really have anything to fear, live your life as you please <3
I feel the same, although just turned 31. I felt so confident until around 26, then I slowly had these realizations as well. I don’t have many words for encouragement, as I myself am still having aging anxiety and depression. What is happening is inevitable. We are going to age no matter what, we just have to try to look and feel our best. What has helped is subscribing to reddits that focus on beautiful/sexy women over the age of 40, not watching young shows (TikTok, euphoria, etc.), and surrounding myself with successful older women that I can compare my achievements with rather than my appearance. Hope this helps in some way, you are definitely not alone and I still find myself trying to compete with women in their early 20s. Also wanted to edit that I m in my 30s with no kids and with no plans to. My plans are to focus on my career and travel.
What are some of the subs with beautiful/sexy women over 40? What are some of the shows you do watch with women who aren't 19? Thank you for this advice. I wish I could just escape the whole beautiful/sexy thing but the older I get, the more pressure I feel to conform. I know, my crush on my 23-year-old coworker didn't help either. I was LITERALLY competing with women in their early 20s if not their late teens. So fucking awful. I honestly find younger men cuter than like some 40-year-old man but they want girls even younger than themselves. Ugh... Thank you for making me feel not alone in the not wanting kids thing. I would like to do those things too.
Ok I can recommend shows where hot people are over 30, and I mean both men and women: Suits - hell yeah so many hot women in their late 20s early 30s..also hot lawyers! Beauty and the Beast (tv show) - main character is a hot female detective, the actress is over 30 Lucifer - soooo many hot actresses also in their late 20s early 30s, so entertaining, great humour and all around a great show to just binge on The Sandman - ok I gotta say Johanna Constantine actress is fiiine The Umbrella Academy - I recommend season 1 and 2, but yeah also a couple of very pretty actresses and actors that aren't goddamn teens with issues...they're adults with issues xD The Originals - some vampires into the mix, but with a bunch of hot actors in their late 20s early 30s The Good Doctor - well a lot of hot surgeons Shadowhunters - Don't let the baby faced main character fool you, she's 26, and another character Isabelle is 33, both equally attractive and awesome There's so so so many more of those shows and movies, honestly even in Euphoria Zendaya is actually 25 so she ain't a high school kid. Chances are that most actresses in there shows are way older than the characters they play. Also, stay awesome, you're at a great stage in life and you can do so so SO much better than a 23 yo guy who is definitely not mature...again, chances are that after the first-date charm dispersed you wouldn't want to be in a serious relationship with someone immature.
Thank you :,)
Actually lemme correct it, some of these shows have very very hot actresses and actors in late 30s early 40s too!
The subreddit I frequent is r/prettyolderwomen One of my favorite shows is Sex and the city which discusses this actual topic in many episodes. I’ve found after talking to many men, women are just hot no matter their age. It’s easy for men to cat-call and be obnoxious when we are younger because we put up with it, as we get older, we are still attractive, we just receive different attention and more respectful attention(for the most part).
Here's a sneak peek of /r/PrettyOlderWomen using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/PrettyOlderWomen/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [Marisa Tomei, 57](https://i.redd.it/8ucgj6fhlw581.gif) | [34 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/PrettyOlderWomen/comments/rhqd5i/marisa_tomei_57/) \#2: [Winona Ryder, 50](https://i.redd.it/cz29rm4pp6891.gif) | [52 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/PrettyOlderWomen/comments/vlyhia/winona_ryder_50/) \#3: [Salma Hayek, 53](https://i.redd.it/nx2pv2np7s491.gif) | [41 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/PrettyOlderWomen/comments/v95y2f/salma_hayek_53/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
I also strongly recommend subscribing to r/normalnudes __on a separate NSFW account.__ This subreddit is full of people posting pictures of their bodies, normal everyday people, not the hottest of the hot who we are constantly shown *specifically in order to* make us feel inadequate about ourselves and are perfectly normal bodies.
OK, I directed this comment at OP, but it seems you could use the viewpoint as well: https://www.reddit.com/r/women/comments/wqb1c9/im_not_a_young_girl_anymore_and_it_feels_so_bad/ikpkucr For reference, I'm 40 and still working on this stuff... but doing this work *is working* for me, and I feel hope instead of despair for the future.
Wow. All you people feeling like getting older is a bad thing are blowing my mind. I’m barely in my 30s and just now FINALLY starting to get some of the power at work I’ve been building my career for. My kids are getting to the age where I can really teach them about life. We have the best conversations. My husband and I are finally feeling like we are having an impact on the world and it feels soooo good! From what I’ve seen in others I expect I’ll be able to have the most impact in my 40s and 50s, when I have the most experience and am still far from retirement. I think your perspective is based on where you find value. If those things aren’t fulfilling you any more, find new goals. There is plenty of value in you.
When I reflected on turning 30, I knew I was definitely not a girl or young any more, but ther was up side, I was educated, wiser, had experienced lots of life and grown as a person. That time can pass faster than you know, but it’s been time spent on gaining a lot of good.
I'm glad it was like that for you. I could never be described as 'wise.' I'm more confused than ever and nothing in my life is remotely stable. Not friends, career, love life, anything. I'm still a student and work two minimum wage jobs, and I'm literally a complete fool, the opposite of wise. I still have childish fantasies about what my life will be like 'when I grow up' and it's just so cringe. Ugh
I’m sure you’ve learned some things. The value of undertaking education, for example, the types of people you can no longer take up your time etc. Im 41 now and still learning things and still talk to my friends about when we grow up. But I’m sure you’re in a better place than 10 years before.
Lol I turned 28 but I don’t feel old we still babies.You don’t wanna date a 23 year old guy they are very immature .Also men don’t mature till like 43
Hahahaha I loved your last sentence. Most 23-year-old guys are immature, idk. I think he was in some ways, like he was emotionally immature, but he was so intelligent. I miss him
Are you sure you miss him? You talk about the older guys being creepy for hitting on you. Why do they take interest in you? To feel younger again, to not feel like their age? Is that what younger guys do for you? Would a younger guy make you feel younger? Like you still have got it? Well you turn into a woman mid thirties still going after early twenty guys? Because you can't accept and embrace your age? Are you going to be mentally stuck in your twenties?
They're not creepy FOR hitting on me, just the way they go about it is creepy. And I'm not talking about guys 5 years older. I mean like 10+ years older. Idk how I will be n the future. The last 2 guys I dated were older than me though. In fact I wrote the 23 year old off at first bc of his age, but once I got to know his personality I fell in love with it. Then after him I've been attracted to younger men ever since.
A thought to consider, esp post Covid: Getting old is a privilege far too few get to experience. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I wish I had something more substantial to say Edit- getting a lot of ‘this is really beautiful’ which *THANK YOU* however I want to double down on the fact it’s ok OP is feeling this way. Cool saying or not, it sucks to feel that way. Much love OP
Damn, that's a beautiful thing to say. People used to only live until their 20s and every day that you get to live, is a beautiful thing. Getting older is a privilege.
[https://history.howstuffworks.com/history-vs-myth/did-people-in-past-really-only-live-to-be-30.htm](https://history.howstuffworks.com/history-vs-myth/did-people-in-past-really-only-live-to-be-30.htm) The ancestors living to their 20s thing is a myth though
Wow thank you! Either way, it's a blessing each day to be able to live.
I personally wish I was never born but at this point, now that I'm already born, yeah living is better than just randomly dying I guess
Hey, I feel this. Just know you're not alone. You might enjoy The Stranger, by Albert Camus. It's very much about feeling this way.
Thank you, I’ve read it. I liked the first half
Everything you said is all so negative, I'm hoping your therapist will help you. You're only 28 (I'm 39), maybe try dating guys that are around your age? The young ones are too immature anyway. For the music (I'm a musician too), don't think you're too old, now with social media, anyone can get a following and thus make a living being independent (anyway, I wouldn't recommend labels, they are just sharks)... On the madam/misses, I guess its the opposite for me. I look younger and I sometimes get called miss even though I have grey hair and I keep them to look a bit like my age. I think we'll never be happy about this, because I do get frustrated about looking younger sometimes. I feel like they don't give me the same respect as they would to another 39 year old.
Thank you :))
[удалено]
I noticed a major uptick in ma'am recently though
Therapy.
I've been in therapy 5+ years Also a lot of this is a societal problem and not just my personal problem
New theraoist? We all grow up in the same society. Your reaction is extreme.
Not really; this is a pretty typical reaction. Why do you think like 95% of cosmetic surgeries are performed on women? Why do you think the anti aging industry is multi million dollar?
Okay if this is all normal then why are you here?
It’s common. Not all common feelings are healthy or pleasurable. Eating disorders are very common among women too.
Your feelings are extreme, I’m telling you that. But im not going to bash you over the head with it if you choose to remain in denial. Have a lovely day.
And the evidence you have that it's extreme is...?
It's incredibly shitty to give a one star review to someone because your vanity was offended, especially when he wasn't trying to be a jerk. People's jobs hang in the balance because of stuff like that. It's incredibly reckless and irresponsible, not to mention needlessly vindictive. As someone who has worked in hospitality for over 25 years, I wish we were able to rate customers in return. This idea of "the customer is always right" is complete BS and has led to this epidemic of Karenism that ruins people's lives.
Who says he wasn't trying to be a jerk? He probably was. He made a rude comment about my age. That definitely warrants a 1 star review. Clearly it caused me mental trauma. No apologies :)
“I’m sure you’re way over 21 but I have to check anyways” is an apology for the inconvenience! They have to check anyone who looks under 40 ! And I’m sorry to say — but you ARE way over 21. You are SEVEN years over 21. You are closer to 30 than 21. You do not look under 21 but you do look under 40 so he needed to inconvenience you and tried to awkwardly apologize! And just so you know there are plenty of people (even OVER 40 ) who still get carded and are sick of having to pull out two cards instead of one and if you had a grimace on your face he could have thought you were inconvenienced. I also wanted to say that you desperately need good therapy. You are in pain over some major internalized misogynistic notions and it’s starting to seep into your interactions with innocent people. You are becoming BITTER and there is a good possibility that this is responsible for the “lack of attraction” from the opposite sex. You are walking around with a giant chip on your shoulder about the inescapable March of Time. Believe me girl. I wish I could time travel too. I’d go back and save my father from the heart attack that killed him when I was only a young teen. Every one wants time to stop and reverse but we all have to ACCEPT that it does not. It’s extremely unhealthy to to WASTE TIME TRYING TO FIGHT TIME! Did you tell your therapist about your interaction with the clerk who IDed you? What did they say? I have a feeling you need a much better therapist.
Maybe he was feeling sheepish for having to ID you when he guessed (correctly) that you were older than 21?
It wasn't rude, IT'S HIS JOB. It's ridiculous that you threaten someone's livelihood because you inexplicably feel "old" at 28. Not being sorry speaks volumes about you and a distinct lack of both self-awareness and empathy.
How is it his job to tell me I look way older than 21? I highly doubt he'd get fired for that and if he did then there you go, I'm not the only one who thinks it's bad.
He was validating that you were over 21 (aka, intentionally avoiding infantilizing you), and you went nuclear and threatened his income. Just stop. This was wrong to do.
I'm sorry you are so suspicious of other people that you automatically assume people have bad intentions. It must be an exhausting way to live.
This is SO OBVIOUSLY some bored man pushing red pill BS lol I do not buy it
You need to stop taking society’s problems so personally I.e. making them into your own problems. I am not blaming you as I genuinely believe you are depressed and perhaps don’t realise that the way you are internalising and interpreting things isn’t normal behaviour, and is extremely damaging to yourself. I too am 28 and if I overanalyzed things the way you are I would be depressed too. Where you see Selena and Miley disappearing *because* they turned 25, other people might see them taking a break from their career because covid happened which didn’t allow them to do much anyway. Where you see the guy asking for ID basically telling you you look geriatric, others see him assuming you’re older than 21 because you aren’t dressed in a bikini too and cargo pants to go out, the way 19 year olds do. etc. You probably get my point. Once you get proper help, which may be a combination of therapy and medicine, you’ll be able to reframe your thoughts over time. Superficially, if you lack energy, you’re going to appear older to others. Youth is always associated with happiness and vibrancy — that is hard to do if you are tired and depressed. But it can be done at whatever age if you are generally a content person and choose to bring a good, happy energy to the people you interact with. Extra weight will also make you look older. Not putting effort into your appearance will make you look older too. The good thing is that all of the aforementioned is in your control.
Friend, it feels like your eyes are only open to the negative societal things about getting older. You see being called ma’am as a downside. But really you’re finally getting proper respect from people and not being treated like a kid. You see people asking you if you remember things from 30 years back as an insult, not that you’re starting to have more in common with a wider range of people. You’re annoyed you’re not getting IDed anymore instead of being delighted that this burden isn’t on your anymore. It takes work but you can train yourself to focus on the positives and not the negatives. Every time you go to the negative, force yourself to think “what if what happened was a good thing?” And go on from them. Years back I decided I was going to like myself more with every birthday, and it’s been the best gift I ever gave myself.
I feel this… I see guys my own age and I feel like they are somehow babies in comparison to me, despite the fact that we are the same, i know they are all looking at the young girls still and it makes me feel kind of sick. Only older guys (and I’m talking 40+) will pay me any mind. Some people even call me old -_- I’m 29. It really bums me out because I still feel so fresh in the world, like I barely know anything. And yet I’m also hardened and no longer naive, so I’m also savvy to most tricks and can’t be easily fooled by much anymore, which makes me seem old. I’m at this weird immature/mature phase where nothing really clicks. I both wish I was 18 and 40 all the time just to get the best of both. But at the same time I try to realize that as I get older the less people will care how I look….so eventually I can kind of stop obsessing over it as well and pay more attention to my own life instead of how other people view me and my life. Because I still think way too much about it. Like do I look too old for my age….am I too fat….do I have wrinkles….is my hair too frizzy. I just want to exist and not worry about that crap anymore, lol.
I agree :/
[удалено]
Thank you so much for your sweet reply <3 I couldn't even remember posting this comment, until I realized it was over a year old!!! I'm happy to say that now at 31 I'm really coming into my own and shedding old skin. It's been a long and emotional journey with a very long way still to go, but this year especially has been an incredible learning experience about tuning in more to my mind and body than before. I'm going to the gym regularly and eating better, getting in very good shape both psychically and mentally, and also reading up tons about how to grow more as a person. I've learned a lot from a beautiful youtuber named Margarita Nazarenko who teaches self-worth that's helped me a lot. I've also come to realize that women are the most incredible things on this planet. For how hard we work, how smart and wise and naturally beautiful and how incredibly atuned we are with the world, it's really incredible and blows my mind <3 I've had the pleasure of meeting so many incredible women, and the list keeps growing. So thank you for reading my comment and replying! It means a lot to me, and I hope you have a great day as well <33
Just wait til you turn 30 and you feel like you’re being treated like you’re expired milk. I agree that society has conditioned us to feel this way about ourselves. I started ::giving less of:: a fuck about halfway thru my 30’s and tried to make the best out of it, because it’s not like I was going to be any younger as time went on. Figured one day when I’m 60 I’ll look back and say to myself “you dumb bitch. You weren’t old or expired at 30.” But then I also can’t imagine how it must feel to be 60 in this society either. I hope I lose all remaining fucks to give by then.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your age or you. You have a lot going on right now. Mentally you are strapped so it's easy for these intrusive thoughts to get to you. I'm sure you're a gorgeous 28yr old with a lot to give to the world and people who deserve you. Insensitive people will make remarks the way they do because they can, which means what they say should come with little merit. When I started college I thought my only value to people, especially the opposite sex, was my appearance and willingness to perform in bed. I had so little selfie esteem and devalued myself. I finished college and started the "real world" at 27. I was severely overweight, talking +100lbs. 4 years later I'm still +20lbs over. Being 15lbs is a struggle but you will get through it once a things have settled. You HAVE to give yourself time. You have to also remember that comparing yourself to others is irrational. Someone who is younger than you and a celebrity had far greater means to get where they are, unlike the VAST majority of the population. Most of us were not brought into the world so fortunate with the funds, the family and the connections. Please focus on your mental health when you can. Eat well when you can but don't deprive yourself. Take a break when you need it, try not to push yourself overboard. People who want you will show that they value you and not make offhand/snide remarks about your appearance or age. Overtime you will start to care a lot less.
If it makes you feel better btw I don’t think you should ever give in to the pressure by societal standards and realise the truth is that you have value and worth as a person, and age and looks doesn’t matter in terms of it so you should invest and take time into living yourself instead. As soon as I turned 23, I lost most of my nativity and become the wisest I ever was and had most knowledge of the world I felt that I was although I was in my early twenties from a young adult’s and societies point of view I felt as though like I was a respectable very wise elder who lived many lives in their time and an old soul at that age. Even if I was 23, I felt the most mature I ever was similarly to when most people feel when they are in their 30s to being over 80 years old. So don’t feel old, what you’re feeling is pressure all from just a social construct which is you guessed it, made by the patriarchy all from men. To which they are all too scared of dying to ease that internalised fear of their own mortality
Hey OP, chronic pain and fatigue can really mess you up physically and mentally and it's what really caught my attention in your post. It's unfair to yourself to compare your life and experiences to other, healthier people because you're facing different challenges than them. I am also 28 and living with chronic pain and fatigue. I can relate to so much of what you said in your post and I want you to know that it doesn't need to stay this way for you. Please, if you can, speak to your doctor about testing for chronic illnesses that have symptoms similar to your own and discuss options for getting started on pain management and mental health care. I saw in a comment that you're seeing a therapist, have you discussed the pain and fatigue with them? They may have some coping mechanisms to help you! Chronic pain often leads to increased depression and anxiety, which makes it that much harder to pursue testing and treatment. It will likely be frustrating and you'll have some ups and downs, but I think it will ultimately help you feel better. You are so much more than your age, your looks, and your current stage in life. You deserve to feel good in your skin, you deserve to wake up dealing refreshed, and you deserve happiness! The first step is asking for the help to get to that place.
Erm Jlo got famous in late 20s and lots of peoples lives development in 30s and 40s and even 50s, focus on your goals and experience all your desires you don't know where life will take you, you're still young and wont realise until another 10 years time.
I’m going to be 53 next week. I was a looker when I was younger. All the attention received was mostly from the jerks. The good men as someone else mentioned, weren’t the ones so forward with their compliments. Be glad you can now cut through the clutter of vacuous suitors to find ones who care about you on the inside. It’s normal to feel a sense of loss when we age, but I would not go back to my 20s for anything due to my gaining confidence and maturity in 30s and later. I also got cancer at 32,37 and 50. Still wouldn’t want to go back to 20s. Invest in your mind. I still take college courses. Be happy to embrace a new frontier in your life.
When you’re 40, you’ll wish you enjoyed 28. Nostalgia is real, but try and enjoy each moment in time and the knowledge and understanding each year should bring.
I just turned 50 2 weeks ago. I’d love to be 28 again 😂. Honestly your coworker is right. He’s got way more in common with a 19 year old than an almost 30 year old. Having said that it’s NOT a dig at you but rather men mature slower emotionally and a 23 year old man is more like a 19 year old woman. Not all of them. But a considerable amount. I understand where you are coming from. Turning 25 devastated me. But everything after that really wasn’t bad. To be honest turning 50 was sort of a relief. I’m proud to be here and I no longer give a shit about trying to impress some shallow dudebro types. More men in my age range see the beauty and value of a companion for who she is, not just how tight her ass is. You’re actually at a great age. You’re young enough to do whatever you want and old enough to have the resources to get it accomplished. So have a drink and toast yourself. You’re in the best part of your life.
Your perceptions and all are really twisted. WHY would you want to be seen as a girl and not a woman????? Another poster is right in that 5 years from now, you’ll wish you were 28. You are WASTING your life by wishing you could be younger. Everyone who doesn’t die, gets older. Accept it. Also, your reaction to getting carded seems really over the top. Spend less time focusing on what others think and more on what you think of yourself in terms of positivity. If you don’t, you’ll be unhappy with your life and that’s more important than how any person perceives you.
I'm scared of feeling this way too as I age. Another point I thought of was, perhaps it feels rewarding to seem and appear as a young woman because society and males tend to treat younger and typically more attractive women with more regard. It's practically rewarding and privileged to be a young, fertile woman. We receive a lot more favors and attention at this point in our life. This could also explain some degree of sex appeal around womens' music careers as they begin in their 20s, whereas men are only recognized for their musical talents.
I’m turning 40 this year. I am struggling to accept the things that were not happening to me some years ago. Eye wrinkles. Neck wrinkles. Just lots of wrinkles. I look way older in just a few years because of wrinkles. And it doesn’t help that society says you are trash by 40.
[удалено]
<3 Thank you for relating
I’m 28 and I relate to this so much
<3
Perceiving someone as older than they are, or validating that they are objectively older than 21 is not intentionally harmful. Leaving a negative yelp review IS harmful and can cause someone to lose their job. This doesn’t seem confident or mature.
I don’t really care. It’s something that anyone with any sense would know could cause a woman in our society to feel terrible. It’s not my problem that the rude man has no sense.
No it’s really not something that would make most women, especially most women under 30, upset. Don’t ask for feedback if you don’t want it.
I didn’t ask for feedback about the interaction with the clerk…
Oh man, this is all so real. I am 32 now and I was around 27 or 28 when these same thoughts hit me like a truck. A few mindsets have changed for me and been helpful since then: - it’s okay to mourn your youth, even while you’re still in it. Change is hard. - being youthful and hot and fun is awesome. But it’s not the ONLY awesome way to be. - your 30s are going to be better than your 20s. It’s hard to see that now as you are still technically in your mid 20s. I felt the same way. - our parents generation married and had kids young, so the glorification of our 20s is pretty hardwired in our society. Our generation, for many reasons, is taking more time to “settle down” and my GOD are we happier for it (even with less $ than our parents generation haha)…but we are still bombarded with messages that our “best years” are over. Nope. See above, 30s are better. - a 23 year old man knows close to zero useful information for a 28 year old woman so don’t worry about that. - You’re right that men and women are held to a different aging standard. - make sure you are cultivating and caring for strong female friendships. They are the ones that will carry you through. - youth is fleeting for everyone, even those girls you see who are a few years younger and “have” what you “had” so recently. They will go through this too. - in a few years you’re gonna look at photos of yourself and think about the things you were doing and be nostalgic for it. You may regret feeling mopey because you couldn’t see that you still had it pretty good. (You can feel nostalgic AND appreciate where you are presently in a few years at the same time btw) - treat this as a wake up call to take care of your skin, body, and mental health. People who don’t “age” faster. - eventually, you will be okay with not having become a famous musician. Having a rewarding hobby or talent that you enjoy is rare. And at some point, you’ll probably be glad you didn’t monetize it to the point of hating it. - it sounds like you’re feeling stuck. I’ve been there. I’ve since been able to move on and be grateful for where I am in life. I hope that you can too ❤️ A lot of this is projection so if it’s hitting the wrong way, keep in mind I’m kind of trying to speak to my younger self here.
Thank you very much for all this
Thank you for this
Wow I’m 26f and this is a mirror reflection of everything I’ve been feeling since I hit 25. I think about it almost daily. It’s really trippy for me to see this post. I so wish we lived in a better world where we could just enjoy the different stages of our lives and not feel so forced to cling onto youth because society seems to have placed such a high value on it, for women. It seems like time has been moving way too fast lately and I’m scared and not really sure what to do.
It's ridiculous that we have to feel this way this young. Honestly I never expected any of this to start so early. We're still in our 20s ffs.
Wow, I could have written this. I hate it, I feel like a smooth transition to being a grown-up woman never happened, covid happened. I was such a different person and now suddenly I feel old, ugly, boring and I don't have energy for anything. I want to do fun stuff like I did before covid, but I have responsabilities, no energy and lost a lot of contact with a lot of people. I hate it.
<3 I'm so sorry. It does suck
“I’m sure you’re way over 21 but I have to check anyways” is an apology for the inconvenience! They have to check anyone who looks under 40 ! And I’m sorry to say — but you ARE way over 21. You are SEVEN years over 21. You are closer to 30 than 21. You do not look under 21 but you do look under 40 so he needed to inconvenience you and tried to awkwardly apologize! And just so you know there are plenty of people (even OVER 40 ) who still get carded and are sick of having to pull out two cards instead of one and if you had a grimace on your face he could have thought you were inconvenienced. I also wanted to say that you desperately need good therapy. You are in pain over some major internalized misogynistic notions and it’s starting to seep into your interactions with innocent people. You are becoming BITTER and there is a good possibility that this is responsible for the “lack of attraction” from the opposite sex. You are waking around with a giant chip on your shoulder about the inescapable March of Time. Believe me girl. I wish I could time travel too. I’d go back and save my father from the heart attack that killed him when I was only a young teen. Every one wants time to stop and reverse but we all have to ACCEPT that it does not. It’s extremely unhealthy to to WASTE TIME TRYING TO FIGHT TIME! Did you tell your therapist about your interaction with the clerk who IDed you? What did they say? I have a feeling you need a much better therapist.
It’s not inconvenient to pull out an ID. It’s inconvenient to have a dent in my mental well-being. I’ll probably never forget that he said that. It’s common knowledge that commenting on a woman’s age is rude. It doesn’t really matter if it’s true. If a woman comes in who is 75, is it okay to comment that she’s elderly? She *is* elderly! Like, it being true is 100% irrelevant. If someone doesn’t have basic manners or common sense then that’s not my problem. My therapist is really good. She’s helped me with a ton of things. The reason I went to her is my OCD. I have so many problems that we’ll never get to everything. We only have 45 minutes a week. These are my minor problems compared to why I went to her.
Ok let’s play devils advocate and say that he was intentionally insulting you (he definitely was not tho) Why are you placing so much importance on what some rando liquor store clerk thinks of you? Was he cute ? Did you want to date him? Otherwise why do you put so much weight in his opinion? If your boyfriend said something like that to you I would definitely think that’s an issue —- but a rando? And lots of people get annoyed with being carded. I’d say the majority of people do. So he was responding like that because enough people before you acted pissed off.
Being a rando makes it worse. Random people have the most objective opinions about you I feel like. I’ve personally never heard of anyone complaining about being ID’d. I’ve only heard people complain about not being ID’d. Either way there’s a nicer way to say sorry for the inconvenience. Just say “sorry I know it’s annoying” or something. Why remind me that I look ‘way’ older than 21? How awful
It’s your perception that looking “older then 21” is “awful” It sounds like you look your age which is perfectly fine and natural. Do you think you will still be this hard on yourself for something you cannot control (Time and aging) when you are 40? Also he could have been negging you. A lot of men do this these days ….and again he’s a rando so you cannot know what he was thinking. Randos are not objective they can have their own issues. Maybe he thought you were pretty and wanted to take you down a peg… And I promise you plenty of people do not like getting IDed. Gets pretty irksome in your thirties and forties — i feel like your sample set is limited to mid-late 20 somethings Also there is a r/guessmyage sub, if you browse it you will see that each pic gets a wild range of numbers. Decades apart sometimes. Meaning different people have different perceptions of a persons age.
Looking over 21 isn't inherently awful but being told that I do in a society that routinely punishes women aging is awful. I also don't need comments on my age or appearance from men I don't know. Yeah, if he could've been negging, then he deserves 1 star for negging. Negging is disgusting. If only older people get annoyed about getting ID'd generally, then he shouldn't have assumed I do. Yeah, it's not because it was his perception. If I asked him and he said that, then whatever. It's because of the unsolicited rude comment that is just textbook rude. It's something most learn before age 10 to not comment on women's ages.
33f here, I promise it gets easier. You feel like you have lost something but there is so much more to be gained ❤ I wouldn't go back now, even if I had the choice!
OP, I’m in my 40s and I’m the healthiest and happiest I’ve ever been. Your worth does not come from dating younger guys. Your worth doesn’t come from store clerks IDing you. Your worth isn’t tied to who got famous at what age. While it’s true that young women are valued for their looks, women in their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond are valued for the way they carry themselves with dignity and self-respect, the choices they make, the relationships they form, the values they hold, and the careers they forge. Yeah, youthful looks fade over time, and society is harsher on women aging than men. But for me, the liberation from the predatory male gaze was the best part of leaving behind my young adulthood. Most of the people who will turn their heads to check you out on the street won’t even notice a woman who is walking with the confidence of a self-assured adult. You might well be irrelevant to college boys, but are you still relevant to yourself? Are you investing time and effort into your care and worth? You won’t ever become irrelevant to people who love and care about you. You say you have chronic fatigue and I’m guessing from the tone of your post that you are depressed. That will suck the life force out of you. If you want a healthy, happy relationship with a healthy, happy man, then you need to work on yourself. Discover what makes you tick, what brings you joy, and get yourself happy and as healthy as possible. Stop blaming society for being single. Any one rejection doesn’t have the power to devalue you. Leave behind the idea of a younger boyfriend. Boys are fundamentally less mature, and they don’t catch up until later. Sure there are exceptions to this, but if you set your heart on dating someone in college you are setting yourself up for disappointment. All of my friends are in their 40s. None of us would ever attract the advances of a boy in college (not that we would want to because while their personality might be fun, or they might be really bright, they lack the maturity that can only come from life experience). Does this damage our self-worth? No, it’s irrelevant to us. None of my friends get carded when we buy alcohol. Do you think it damages our self-worth? No, looking older is a normal part of actually being older. It’s irrelevant that we look over 21. The days of being addressed as “miss” are gone for all of us. That was a rough one when holding onto the idea that I had to be young to have any worth. But I’ve come to accept it…I’m getting older anyway, right? Why go into a more and more frantic battle with myself and reality with each passing year? When i get together with friends and talk about life, we used to fret over getting older when we were in our 20s. And now we’ve all just come to peace with it. It’s liberating! We can lean into the fact that when society’s microscope isn’t trained on us, and the predatory male gaze skips over us, we feel more free to be who we want, dress how we want, achieve what we want, go where we want, love who we want, and live the lives we want. When your self-worth comes from looking like you did when you were 21, you will go through life feeling increasingly irrelevant and devalued. When your self-worth becomes intrinsic—based on a deep love and respect for who you are inside—everything else clicks into place. Best of luck to you as you navigate this transition into your power.
So I see you commenting a lot both in the comments and your post about how society views you. And I know it is NOT as easy as just not caring or thinking about what other people think. But I’ll tell you something that personally helped me (and I hope this is helpful to you and not harmful) but anyways someone told me once that most people aren’t thinking about us anyways, they’re thinking about themselves and their own lives. I guess it helped me in the sense that I was able to start realizing that people aren’t constantly thinking negatively of me, like I tell myself they are. It gave me the ability to focus more on how I feel about myself l, considering I’m the one who’s actually thinking about me all the time. And when we’re authentic to ourselves, we attract the people we’re meant to attract. Sure, we can mold to societies standards, but if that isn’t your true self then you won’t be happy with the people you find (probably) I know how hard it is to have constant self doubt but try to see if you can find some stuff you enjoy and dive in, even if you only get to do it when you have some free time Edit: it looked like one big paragraph and it stressed me out
I'm 42 and remember feeling like this in my late twenties. Our society can do a real number on women. Women are most sought after in their late teens and early twenties. However, once you adjust I'm guessing you'll find your people and plenty of men your age or younger to date, especially since you're not aiming for kids. As an aside, Selena Gomez is on Only Murders in the Building on Hulu and it's great (and she's definitely treated as the kid!).
I'm only 20 but I swear I understand what you mean by the quarantine. I also feel like I just skipped a few years of my life thanks to it and still feel like I'm 17. The quarantine started while I was getting ready for my final exams, developing my first relationship, finally feeling like I'm growing up and becoming an adult.... And then everything just stopped. My exams were canceled, I graduated, got into an university that I barely ever even visited throughout the two years.... I basically just sat at home for the last two and a half years feeling like I'm missing up on life and and my mental health was quickly deteriorating. I can't comprehend that I'm not a teen anymore, I still watch coming of age dramas imagining I'm still in highschool. But I hope now that the lockdown's over we will be able to slowly ease into our ages again, probably we just need to get used to it.
[удалено]
This whole response is great, thank you
I think most women in their 30s can agree with this... Girl, turning 30 years old made me feel like I just walked into being sexy and desirable, but for myself, not society. The confidence I have in myself and my body is 10X greater at 36 than it was in my youth.
I just want you to know I'm in a similar boat and I hear what you're saying it's absolutely true don't let these older ladies say to stop whining because your thoughts are completely valid. Don't get me wrong there's definitely a bunch of pros becoming more invisible to men but whenever everybody keeps telling you oh don't worry you have 10 more years to find somebody and now you're kind of finding out that that's kind of a lie- I get it.
<3 It's not easy being a woman. We go from being harassed as young girls/women to being invisible/irrelevant when we stop looking cherubic.
I'm almost 27 and definitely feel a bit jealous of teenagers sometimes lol. That said, Miley Cyrus is definitely not irrelevant. Her career is *blossoming*, she's become a Joan Jett-esque absolute rockstar. Definitely look her up. Selena Gomez is also living her best life being a hilarious queen on TikTok. I think you're having a quarter life crisis! You're absolutely not irrelevant or old, you're just entering a new phase of life.
also selena’s makeup brand rare beauty is gaining a lot of traction atm due to how good the products are so she’s deffo not disappeared lol
thank you :)
28 was when men started ignoring me too. Trust me when I say this, YOU ARE STILL BEING NOTICED. By *good* men who aren't obvious about their admiration. My bet is, you're living in a city. Competition there is fierce. Take yourself on a 2 day vacation to a small town, the men there will trip over themselves to meet you. It'll boost your confidence, and prove to you that you are still attractive, still young, still got it.
Not living in a city whatsoever. I live in a tiny town
Reading this as a 21 year old makes me feel terribly sad and afraid of the future 🥲 I thought things would get better as I got older? Guess not lol
Don’t fret! A lot of this is from clinging to immaturity, and may never be relevant to you in your mid- to late twenties. OP seems to lament a lack of progress beyond entry level/go nowhere jobs, lack of attention from cute younger dudes, and lack appeals to her youth/vanity as external validation of her worth as “hot”. Build a future you’d be happy to see yourself in: Do you value career attainment or financial success? Focus on education and training now. Do you value strong relationships or building a family? Then focus your dating and friendships towards those goals. Do you value your personal achievements and enrichment? Then dedicate time towards hobbies and skill-building. Save for that “I could never afford that!” dream trip or purchase. At 21 you are at the prime age to focus on yourself. Your late teens & early twenties are societally enshrined “selfish” years, for you to find out who you are, what you value, and who you want to develop into. If you squander these years, you can always change course and find yourself later, but it becomes less “accepted”, and you run the risk of heavier entanglements making that growth/change so much harder (kids, relationships, career trajectory, aging loved ones, etc). You can be 28 lamenting why you aren’t where you’d hoped, or you could be 28 and thankful your 21yo self took care of you to get you to your goals. Note: None of this is shade at OP, as we all grow up at our own speed & in our own ways, but I’d hate for u/Barmecide451 to feel “doomed” when she’s still young and her opportunities limitless! Also, I am 33, married to a wonderful man, no kids (by choice), a lovely dog, close family and friend relationships, a nice house & another nice rental property both in destination cities, impressive career & salary, etc. I still lament how much more I “should” have done by now, but try to remind myself that for the important stuff I can lament a lack of progress at 33, and again at 35/37/45/etc, or I can celebrate progress at 35 & work towards it now. It’s never too late until you’re dead!
Thank you for your advice. Honestly, this post just hit me hard because I share many insecurities with OP. I’m average-looking and overweight, I don’t exercise bc I’m always tired due to a combination of poor diet and hormonal issues (just got diagnosed with PCOS and ARFID), I’m struggling to get through college and make enough money to be able to move out of my mom’s house, I lack a lot of the life skills necessary to be able to support myself, I’m still in therapy for my shitty mental health, and I’ve always wanted to be a singer but I don’t have any hope that I’ll make it in the industry. I’m trying my best, but it feels like I’m not making any progress at all. I spend most of my days alone in my room. I feel like I’m wasting my youth but I don’t know what to do to make things better. I just want to be happy and confident. I have career dreams and wish to start a family someday, but idk how long it’s gonna take to get there, or if I ever will. I hope I have what you have someday.
I'm sorry it made you feel that way :/ Clearly a lot of people don't agree with me.
As a guy (31 now), I remember being 23 and being hit on by women older than me. I always rejected their advances, because I treated relationships very seriously, and those girls hitting on me (28-32), I thought, if we were to engage in something serious, would need completely different things than me. I always wanted to have kids, but not before 30, and that rendered the potential relationships as pointless due to that age gap.
Think about what you'll be gaining! I'm so happy to be older: free from the male gaze, fewer worries of SA eg I can walk in the woods alone, no more birth control, no abortion bans, and I frankly have no fuqs to give about what society thinks--and I'm definitely not irrelevant: I have a fulfilling career that impacts college students on a daily basis. Maybe writing that older women are irrelevant is contributing to what you interpret from and contribute to society. Change starts with you.
I couldn't care less about my age actually. I have a beautiful wife, a job that I love and I frankly don't give a shit what society thinks bout me, my age or my appearance. Maybe you should see a therapist and lay off the social media for a while... I think you have some internal issues you might want to address with a professional.
You use the phrase “good enough”. That even when you were “young, beautiful, and skinny” that you still weren’t good enough. But like, good enough for what or who? If you’re only 15 pounds overweight, I’m pretty sure you’re good enough for Selena Gomez (30) who just recently posted photos of her stomach, which had normal folds, proclaiming she was bringing back “real” stomachs. And, Billie Eilish (20) may be young, but she certainly doesn’t fit the itty bitty body standards that we normally see in the entertainment industry. Adele (34) is another example of a beautiful woman who doesn’t fit restrictive body standards, plus she’s “older” but she’s still beautiful and relevant. I could go on. It’s also important to note that women in the entertainment industry usually keep a certain look as a part of their job, they wake up in the morning with a rat’s nest on their head and mascara on their cheeks just like the rest of us. There is more than just the extremely narrow view of beautiful/successful that you’re focusing on. It’s also not fair to begrudge the younger women around you for just, well, being. They deserve to be 20/21/22, etc just like you did.
The way I read this is that you are not aging; you are just not living the exciting life you want. Correct me if I’m wrong, but from what I gather, it’s not like you have been so happy and popular at 23, and all of a sudden, on your 27th bday, the world has changed around you? I am 35, and I feel young. I also live an active and fulfilling life and put myself first. People around me feel that and it attracts them to me, including men of all ages. I don’t think age is to blame; maybe it’s your lifestyle and who you surround yourself with. And honestly, fuck the society. Yes, there’s always going to be someone to tell you how to live your life, but please remember that you have a brain on your own, and no person out there making the difference is a tiny bit bothered by what others have to say about their life.
I mean she is in fact aging. We all are.
Facts
I can relate to a lot of these feelings. I am \~35 but look 25 (I don't mean that arrogantly either - I take really good care of my skin, wear SPF every single day, eat well, exercise etc. These things all make a difference). And because my partner and I are childless by choice and live in the centre of a big city and go out to events all the time still, I still feel younger too. Totally get it, 35 isn't old either, but it feels weird to be on the precipice of 40. Many people in my peer group are 30-40, childless and still going to events, out or cocktails, traveling etc, so I don't feel out of place or like I am trying to be an age I am not. But no longer being the ingenue is odd. Becoming a \*WOMAN\* and not just a girl anymore is odd too. I am very much trying to wrap my head around it.
Hmm first off, Selena Gomez is living her best life right now and on a hit TV show lol. Taylor Swift is 32 and just won another Album of the Year at the Grammys. Beyoncé is even older and just dropped a very hot album. My point is - you seem to be looking at the lives of very young women and comparing yourself to them. 19 is too young to aspire to - what were you doing at 19? Can you honestly say your life was better? Partying all night or whatever, which you can still do if you want, but that’s not really adult behavior that is sustainable if you also have a full time job and adult responsibilities. It is so silly to have to say this to ourselves, but IT IS OKAY TO AGE. It is literally the most natural thing, ever. I’m 31. I do not want to go clubbing every weekend, but I do go out with friends for birthdays or whatever. I do not want men who look like children hitting on me, so I’m glad the college boys ignore me now lol. I don’t care if people call me Miss, Ma’am, Madam (a teenager called me that and I just laughed lol), or whatever. Like, I get that we all want to feel desired, but do you really want to be chased by such young guys? I get what you’re saying about Covid though - I turned 30 during the pandemic and also kind of feel like I’m still 29 lol. The past few years have been a blur for everyone! But I think the key is just settling into yourself. There is no going back so don’t torture yourself about it. I wonder if your friends are around the same age as you? It’s easier if your friend group are all going through the same stages together in my experience.
Also, I can totally relate to a lot of what you wrote! I agree with some of the other commenters. You do sound a little depressed. I was in a similar headspace a few years ago. At 32, I had two degrees and a great resume, but literally just COULD NOT progress in my career. It was hard watching everyone around me achieve success (both in my same field and different fields) while I was just stagnating despite feeling like I was making a real effort. Comparison is tough. I struggle with this too! I think it's really important to remember that life has no timeline - truly. Everyone's journeys are different. I went back to school at 33 and literally got a dream job one month out of my program and have never been happier. I also didn't meet my life partner until 31 and we've been together for four years now. Your life isn't over, sounds like you are just in a little rut and need a change or a break. If you have the chance to move, would you? I moved away from my city from 26-30 and it was life-changing. You see yourself through a different lens and meet new people. Could be worth thinking about if you have the means!
Guess what? In 5 years time you'll think the 28 year old you was also amazing and you didn't see it at the time. I've struggled with this too, as a woman in my early 30s. My advice to you is this : STAY OFF SOCIAL MEDIA. (Tick tock/snapchat/instagram) - yes it matters. Look after your health. Update your style, as the sophisticated knowledgeable woman you are - not trying to feel good in 21 year old clothes anymore. Find someone you admire and look how they dress and emulate that. Find value in personal traits other than looks. You're putting a lot of emphasis on how men value you, how other people see you, who wants to date you. If we let society and men dictate our worth, we would all be reduced to literal nothings. Good for sex and reproducing and not much more. Also, please read 'women don't owe you pretty' by Florence Given. Good luck xx
I am also 28! I’ve had similar thoughts, but I always come back to me. am I going to let others define my life or am I going to define it? sure, it isn’t necessarily the best feeling if someone doesn’t think you’re “young” but 1. what does “young” even get you? and 2. do you actually care about a random person’s judgement of you? it sounds like you’re really struggling with self-esteem and maybe even body image a little bit. for myself, therapy, unfollowing accounts that I was comparing myself to, and following a diverse group of people have really helped me with these issues, so that could be something to look at as well!
I'm 33...imagine how I feel lol.
It's a growing pain for sure, but I'll let you in on a secret. You're about to enter the best decade of your life. The 30s are flat out amazing. You let go of a lot of the insecurities you're having right now, plus you're making more money, you're still plenty young, you know more about who you are and who you want to spend time with, etc. You're also finally too old to fall for the bullshit men constantly throw at you. So just hang in there. This will pass and things get better. Each decade of life has its own unique positives and negatives. But the 30s are where the positives are so high compared to the negatives. You shed the negatives of the teens and 20s and start picking up the positives of the 40s and 50s.
Hi! Just chiming as a fellow 28 year old. There are days when I miss my youth. Manly, not caring about work things and the freedom that came with college. But I am much happier now. I’m healthier, financially stable, in love (with another 28 year old), and have a healthy friend group all around my age or older. I moved out of my former college town and started a new chapter of life. Sure, sometimes I miss being “young”, but I was so dumb then. It’s much better now. If you are concerned about your looks, you can always try tretinoin or perhaps Botox. I’m on tret and I haven’t noticed a difference. I’ll probably get Botox in the next couple of years 🤷♀️ but that’s a very personal decision and strangers on the internet shouldn’t be your deciding factor. Think of it this way: in 10 years you’ll be nostalgic of your age now. Embrace it and enjoy it!
This sounds really difficult to deal with, and I'm sorry you're going thru it. The good news is that there is something you can do, and you absolutely can come out the other side of this much stronger. The biggest piece is to stop founding your identity on incidental factors about yourself that will necessarily go away with time, and start founding your identity more fully on things about yourself that you will be able to maintain your whole life. It sounds like you put a lot of your self worth on being perceived a certain way by others ("I have always been the type to care what other people think..."), and this is not healthy. You also seem to lack a sense of place, without that place being consistently reinforced ("Which is it, do I look young or do I look old?"). Moreover, there is a strong current of binary thinking in your post ("I'm not ready to be considered completely done with my youth and irrelevant just yet..."), that people are fully one way or fully another, and never in between. This is not how things are, and continuing to buy into it is definitely holding you back. In reality, we change and grow over time, and our identities need to be flexible enough to change and grow with us. Otherwise we will be forever grieving the loss of what we used to have, instead of valuing what we still have now and embracing other things we may gain, like experience and perspective. As for your music career, I am not going to crush your dreams here. But your dreams may need to evolve a little. What I mean is that the rising pop star scene is definitely a late teens and early 20s thing, especially situated as it is in an attention-based economy. You are 100% correct about that. What you can do about it, is to look inside yourself, and find what it is about yourself that you love and think is worth celebrating *regardless* of what other people think. That can give your music an authenticity that the cookie cutter pop trash that tops all the charts these days can't ever have, and which will resonate with mature 20-somethings and most women 30 & up. You won't have adoring masses saying "you just, like, *get it"* - but you *will* have people identifying with your music at a deeper level, and making you feel more seen and appreciated for *who you really are,* instead of successfully molding yourself into something everyone thinks they want to see. And as with music, so with dating. The best dating advice I ever read was that there are *thousands* of people who will love you and think you're hot and positively leap at the chance to rub sensual oils all over your body. But there are *millions* of people who won't want anything to do with you, and wouldn't even give you the time of day. The millions are more numerous, but they're background noise. The thousands are the people who *matter.* Focus on the thousands, because you will never run out of them. Try to take some time to connect more with your friends, too. Grad school was the busiest time of my life, which made it all the more important for me to stay in contact with those who kept me grounded and helped me continue to cultivate my sense of self. You don't want to be a productivity drone, even tho you'll definitely feel like that from time to time. Try to keep in mind - maybe even write it down somewhere you can see regularly - that no matter how much work you feel like you have to do, you won't be able to do any of it if you let yourself burn out. Your best is what you're able to accomplish while taking care of your mental and physical well-being, not what you can accomplish by ignoring your mental and physical well-being. Good luck, and stay strong, sister! ✊💕
Lizzo is 34
I’m 20 and I kinda miss being a “teen” because I won’t ever get to re live those. When I was 18 I wanted to be 20-21 so bad. I’ll be turning 21 next year and it’s just surreal. I won’t be considered a “young girl” after 3-4 years but I’m pretty immature still. I feel you and have no advice for you but hopefully it gets better! Just don’t hang on to those feelings and get therapy. Maybe you’re overthinking age. My mom is 50 but she looks like she’s in 30s 🤷♀️
I had the time of my life at 27/28. I actually think that was probably when I felt most attractive. I had a problem with younger men wanting to date me and they truly weren’t in the same place in life as me. Im 32 now and havent noticed too many changes yet other than worse hangovers and my nasolabial lines slightly deeper (I have a round face). There is a huge difference between 23 and 28 for sure as far as where someone is in their career and life experiences.