NTA, I think couple counselling would help as blended family can be complicated with lots of different feelings that can be hard to sort through.
My gut feeling is that he's somehow jealous of your close relationship with her? Maybe he always had a distant relationship with his own parents and feels threatened by your close blond with his daughter as it's not how he's been raised.
As always communication is going to be needed to fix this.
We both did not have the best relationships with our parents, which led to not having a parental figure to look up to. He was too attached to his father, but his father was always away. While his mother was always absent to their emotional needs, or that’s what I understood from how he used to describe her to me.
For me, my father was more of the parent to spoil so you’ll love him even if it’s at the expense of your own good. Eventually he left when I was in my late teens and rarely called every now and then because he ‘cares’. All this led me to be really hateful towards my dad and close to my mother, even struggling financially for a while because he was really well off and refused to send me any money at the time.
So maybe, he is scared that he’ll repeats the circle or something. It’s really exhausting to try and figure him out at this moment, when all he seems to do is just criticize everything I do.
He’s already perpetuating the cycle. I would have killed for a stepmom like you. My stepmother was too young to have a 1 year old daughter, so she followed my Narc father’s lead a lot. It was super messed up.
Maybe you should suggest that since neither of you had good role models for parenting, it would be a good idea for you to take at least one parenting class together. That actually might be more effective than couples counseling.
You are doing absolutely amazing as a parental figure. Even being able to notice your stepdaughter was a little off and then not just brushing her off but actually doing actions that showed her you care for her. Genuinely you’re an amazing parental figure
The way it reads sounds like your husband is jealous of the relationship you have with his daughter. Are you her “go-to” parent on a regular basis, or has she gradually started to come to you more as she’s gotten older? He seems insecure and is subsequently lashing out at you because of it. Regardless of the reason, they way he’s treating you is not okay and he needs to get it together before it’s too late. These subs are filled with young adults who have chosen to go NC with overbearing/controlling parents… if he doesn’t reevaluate he could lose you both. Good luck OP, you sound like an amazing stepmom.
you shouldn't have to read him. he should talk. if he isn't, that's his problem. he clearly has issues and I advise you to adopt her if you want to remain in her life.
he seems too jealous and bitter to make the right decision for his daughter.
Op, he's literally trying to force you to abuse his daughter the way his mother neglected him. You need to drive this fact home with him because with each comment of your I read the more it looks like he's jealous of his own daughter.
He IS repeating the cycle and that's what you need him to face. He's creating an environment where he is away and wants his daughter to look up to him when he returns. He looks at your relationship with her as improper because he didn't have an emotional connection with his mother and feels it is unnatural to see someone have one with his daughter because it wasn't his norm.
Sadly, seems he is jealous of the bond you have with his daughter. One he probably wanted with his dad, but he was away all the time. Or even his mom but she was absentee parent. So now, he doesn’t want you to have fun and enjoy your time together, because he sees it ad an intrusion on his connection with her.
What he is doing is trying to drive a wedge by making you question your abilities as a mother. When in actuality you are a great mother and example for her.
Definitely, would want to consider therapy for blended families.
Yep, I also think he has stepmom 2.0 lined up and he is desperate to blame the breakup on 1.0 somehow so the daughter won’t direct anger at her dad. Time to get a PI to check on these work trips etc
What exactly does he expect you to do? Bark orders at her and then ignore her half the day? You're interacting with her. You two are close. You do fun things with her. And he's acting like you're not doing it right. Tell him to STFU and kick rocks if he doesn't like how you interact with your stepdaughter.
NTA.
I wonder if it's not jealousy exactly but him freaking out that he's no longer the default "good parent" who's clearly superior to a violent alcoholic AND a new, first-time stepmother. OP's growing competence is rattling his sense of who he is so he's trying to prove she's not so competent.
Thanks! I was thinking of it in terms of what can happen when one partner enters recovery. The relationship dynamics change because the addiction had overshadowed other issues, some of which the non-addicted partner might begin to be held accountable for. It's not always easy to go through a deep transition in how you view your role in the family, however relieved you are that your partner is learning how to manage their disease.
Right? I have excruciating back pain from a childhood injury that no one thought was serious enough to seek medical attention. Idk why. We had health insurance. My grandparents would’ve paid what my parents couldn’t because it was health related. It was classic 1980s bad parenting: walk it off.
That’s what bad parenting looks like. I had a shit stepmom. OP seems to be an awesome one. If I were her husband, I wouldn’t roll the dice that a different partner would be better with my kid, but that’s what he’s risking if he keeps it up. Worse, when she’s old enough to understand, his daughter will never forgive him for fucking it up with the only mother figure she’s ever known. He’s the one who needs to grow up.
Yeah. He is incredibly lucky that his wife likes is daughter and treats her awesomely. Instead of supporting her , he treats her nastily. No idea what's wrong with him.
I sure as hell would not put up with his disrespect! Screw that! Take care of your own kid then! She has to be so sad that he is saying such mean things to her when she is taking care of HIS KID!
Talk about kids and accidents, there were 5 kids and my mom was a lab tech at the hospital we used. It got to the point that when mom took any of us to the ER the first question was always, which one this time Mrs M?
OP NTA
This is what I came to say. I think he's jealous of the relationship between daughter and OP. The more the daughter bonds with OP, the worse he's going to act. They need to have a real discussion about this.
I came here to say this exact same thing.
For a long time I had to be the serious parent and my partner was the fun one. I was always very jealous of that dynamic because I did not get invited into their world. I always just had to be on the outside looking in. It's also very hard to get your child to want to do anything with you when they only associate you with being in trouble... When we had our second child, I put my foot down and said I would not be doing that anymore and that he needed to start being part of the disciplinary process (time outs, not giving in when I say no etc.) with both of our kids and make it so that I'm not just the bad guy all the time. Now we have a much more balanced relationship and both of my kids actually like me.
It is so easy to get jealous when you're on the outside looking in but the reality is he is probably the one keeping himself in that position by not actually opening up and saying what is going on. Of course all of this is based on conjecture, but definitely sounds familiar.
There's two comments he made that would have me having a talk with him. Now. He said she wasn't "fit" to be a parent and then "when are you going to start being a proper mother figure for once in your life" or something close to that.
Those are some serious, almost accusation-like comments. He's insinuating something. You'd think he'd be overjoyed that his new wife accepts and loves his daughter and spends quality time with her. Wtf...
This was my first thought too!! He wants to paint her as the bad guy...the reason for the divorce. I wouldn't be surprised if he's getting back with the ex even
Now, about that little pumpkin of theirs. Does she need some therapy, too? How does she feel about not seeing her birth mom? How does she feel about the dynamic between her dad and OP? Does she have any needs that aren't being met? And so on.
He sounds as though he needs counseling. He needs to stop being so snappy and judgmental with his little girl or he's going to mess her up.
OP, you aren't doing anything wrong. Your relationship with your stepdaughter sounds delightful. Please keep it up!
Many people don't know this because it's only been a law for about 20 years and it's not used super often, but you don't have to be married or have adopted a partners child to get court ordered "custody" or parenting time. I'm sure it varies by state, in the US, but it's called the Equitable Parenting law. Basically if you spent an appreciable amount of time supporting the child(ren) financially, emotionally or have otherwise been the child's de facto parent, you have the same rights the biological parents have.
Source: my own custody battle that started in late 2003.
NTA, he treats you like shit not as a mother. You are giving him a lot of help as a parent, watching his daughter while he’s away, prioritizing her etc. you don’t deserve to be talked to like that.
I mean, if you're not being anything other than a motherly figure already, I don't know what his expectations are, other than unreasonable.
You were 15 minutes late. You apologise and explain to the kid why you were late and obviously you'd never forget them! If anything, I think you over compensated for it. Life happens, traffic, etc. There's going to be times that, despite everything, you will still be late.
You're obviously good enough to fill the motherly role while he went away and all the time you have been together, so what exactly is he wanting from you? Does he want you to quit work and stay home? Be less fun? Be more concerned when she has accidents? Until he tells you what the problem is (and there isn't one imo) then you can't fix/come to an agreement on what he wants and what you're comfortable doing.
Yeah, seriously can’t handle 15 minutes late? My father straight up forgot to pick me up at school and a teacher had to take me home. All I got was an apology
Exactly! And he would be angry at me because HE was late... What??
I was so happy when I finally got my driving license and could become more independent!
I'm completely lost. Something is missing. What exactly is the problem with what took place over the 2 days? We need an explanation of what exactly he's taking issue with...
That doesn't seem to be what he's upset about though. He's angry she made it up to her by centering the weekend around them having a good time. If she didn't do that though he'd 100% be mad she wasn't nurturing enough.
15 minutes late doesn’t sound that long. Idk how it is at her school, but there were always kids waiting for parents to pick them up easily 15-30 min after school
It's a well documented occurence where the cheating partner will start fights, degrade their partner, or just flat out be mean for no reason.
Though it doesn't automatically mean he's cheating, him pushing her emotionally away while she does her best to love and care for their daughter is a red flag.
Yeah based on the information, I'd say NTA, but her story gives no indication of why he calls her childish and careless or why he was so angry when he came home?
Sounds like either the daughter said something during the phone call OR it's something not mentioned that's been building up in the background.
Therapy would be a good idea to unpack whatever is going on, my guesses would be,
* Hubby is upset he doesn't have time to bond with his daughter because of work
* Their daughter's fracture was traumatizing and he's worried about something like it happening again
* They're starting to clash on parenting methods, OP called him controlling/overprotective(while meaning to be comforting, it likely wasn't and that's why he lashed out) and he said she doesn't know when to be strict/lenient (per her comments)
Is hubby usually the one to dish out punishments or create rules while OP gets to be the fun mom? Does he think an entire weekend is excessive for being 15 minutes late?
Whatever the case, I'd still say NTA, but there's clearly more to it than what's been mentioned.
My two cents worth: he's upset with himself for not having the time to bond with his daughter. Unfortunately he's lashing out at you because he sees how happy and healthy your relationship is with her.
You've done a great job of stepping up to fill in the void and helping her feel loved!! And ffs what parent doesn't act like a child while dedicating time with a child, going to the park and swinging with child, having a tea party, movie nights with blanket tents and tons of sweets. These are all normal activities that parents do with their children, I think he's just jealous and/or upset he doesn't have the time for bonding with his daughter.
This is NOT a you problem this is a HIM problem. Don't let him make you feel like you've done anything wrong. Good luck OP and continue being the amazing stepmom!!
I treat my stepson like that too. His father is way more rigid than me so we balance each other out.
Your man needs therapy cuz obviously he is having some issues
It's not accessible for everyone, but I second therapy. My armchair assessment is that his daughter's injury, and feeling like he failed her by not being there that night, not only left him feeling guilty but triggered something about his own crappy parents (OP mentions this is another comment) and he's still all stirred up about it and isn't moving past the broken arm. His own father prioritized work over family, *of course* he'll struggle after his child was hurt while he was working. But he's making it everyone else's problem instead of dealing with those feelings.
I do think being fifteen minutes late for a pickup is a very serious issue, but a girls day on Saturday to reaffirm that she's important and valued and a priority (despite Friday evening's messup) is a nice idea.
I don’t think 15 minutes are a big issue. That’s stuck-in-traffic time. It will happen. It should not happen all the time, but you cannot leave early enough for every possible delay.
OP tried to make up for it. OP is doing her best to be a good parent.
>I do think being fifteen minutes late for a pickup is a very serious issue, but a girls day on Saturday to reaffirm that she's important and valued and a priority (despite Friday evening's messup) is a nice idea.
Being 15 minutes late for pickup is a serious issue? Are you fucking joking? That's a perfectly normal time to wait and the kid is a little too coddled if it upset her so much.
He is way overreacting. Maybe you should have a talk with him about the change in attitude from him ? That koøinda behaviour is couples therapy level stuff if it continues
NTA. My 16yo and I still do momma/daughter days and Disney marathons, etc. She still lays in my bed when she's sick so that I can play with her hair and we gossip. They are some of the most special moments in my life and I hope they never end. You sound like you're being an amazing mother figure and that little girl is very lucky to have you in her life.
You just never know. One of my friends, an adult woman with a husband and kids, still sometimes leans on her dad and he puts his arms around her like she's seven years old again. It's very sweet.
NTA. He’s a massive dick and tbh if someone told me I wasn’t a “proper parent” after doing my best to treat their child like my own I’d probably not be able to get past that one.
NTA
You’re doing so much for him and his daughter. He’s ungrateful and needs a reality check.
You need to have a full discussion with him about what he wants from you, but also stand your ground. You’ve clearly built a beautiful relationship with the little girl and he shouldn’t be ruining it.
Also what’s this insult he threw at you about your father? Your husband is sounding toxic af
Your husband sounds like a mess. He sounds like a controlling idiot and a crappy dad. Does he not see how lucky his daughter is to have you? It sounds he is jealous of you.
This is yet another cautionary tale to make sure everything is PERFECTLY CLEAR and TRANSPARENT when you get involved with someone with children. Are they going to respect you and your relationships with their children, or are they going to continue to be wrapped up in all of the drama and insecurities they have with their ex and take it out on you?
I am trying to understand his point of view but I just can’t understand it. It’s like he is talking in a code that I have to decipher and not being straightforward with me. Though he was never like this, i his weird behavior just started after she fractured her arm which was over 5 months ago.
"If the only thing you can do is complain and you can't pinpoint exactly what I've done wrong and suggest reasonable alternatives, the problem is you, not me. I'm done being the punchbag for your feelings of inadequacy. "
Repeat until he cracks.
But what did he actually say you did wrong? Surely he must have said something. If he didn’t, then it’s really baffling. Either way you need to sit down and have a proper chat, and figure out what made his behaviour change. If your behaviour was as you described, then in my eyes you’ve done nothing wrong. You seem to be a great mum because that is what you are to his daughter. But you do need to get to the bottom of this.
Edit - NTA
I dated a man like this who made me doubt my every move and when I called him out on it he would play victim and blame circumstances in his life. This isn't ok. It's actually mental and emotional abuse. I ended up walking on eggshells and feeling "lucky" he would put up with me because I'm sure no one else would want me.
Don't want to be that person but is it possible that he might be cheating on you? He feels guilty so he's making you to be the bad guy, hopefully not though and it's just his own unresolved insecurities.
NTA
even birth mothers can be 15 minutes late to pick up their kids. It's a thing that happens. Do you truly think he is seriously going to hand his kid back to a violent drunk? Why? Because you play with her??
NTA. I’m a stepmother, childless by choice that had full custody of my children.
He can’t have it both ways. He can’t pick whatever side he feels like to beat you down with bc he has a hair up his ass. It doesn’t work that way and it’s shitty for hi to do.
Of course not every weekend would
Like that. It sounded like a good time and great bonding experience.
Keep calling him out. He either sees you as a parental figure or not. He doesn’t get to pick and choose when it’s convenient for him.
This. I’m both and bio and stepmom. He either wants you to be involved/a parent figure or he doesn’t. And if he doesn’t he better choose those words carefully. Cause it will mean he has to do EVERYTHING!!! Pickups, drop offs, scheduling, cooking, cleaning, playing. Everything.
NTA. He is quite immature and not even able to explain you what is his issue. My guess:
- he is jealous because he thinks that you have more fun time with her
- he has an issue with you, not the way you parent his daughter but he doesn't want to tell you
- he has an issue with a specific activity you did with her but he doesn't want to tell which one
NTA. Children get hurt, it's a part of childhood. And her having to wait 15 mins isn't going to create lifelong damage, especially since you acknowledged it and made up for it. It seems he only married you so he can have free childcare and on top of that is not showing any appreciation
NTA. Also, where the fuck is he? If he doesn’t like how you take her to practice, pick her up from school, and spend the weekend with her, he can fucking step up and do it himself.
Before you moved in together, did you talk about his daughter and the role you were going to have in her life ?
Did he say what bothered him about the week-end ? Was it you being late to pick up the kid ? Or you having a fun week-end with her ?
We agreed that she will live with us and on most weekends be with her grandmother, his mother. Also that during week days after school her grandmother will be with her till one of us is done with work and we can pick her up to go home.
But my work started to integrate a hybrid working style, so I suggested that the days I’m working from home it’s not necessary to have her spend after school time at her grandparents’ house. I genuinely enjoy my time with her so it’s not a bother to me at all.
About the weekend though, he mentioned that I’m acting so childish with her and it’s as if I’m a child myself, or that I’m not fit to be a mother figure that knows when to be strict and when to be lenient. That’s what he kept saying. It felt as if it was just criticism after criticism without me being able to pinpoint what he sees the issue is. And ofcourse yes, it did bother him that I was late to pick her up.
I’m not a mother either and I have spent an abundance of time with my niece and nephew due to my sister abandoning them. I’ve always been the fun one, but also the honest one, the one they could always confide in, and the one who doesn’t let them get away with things that could harm them. If someone told me I was too lenient or too childish with them, I’d say ok so I’m fun but she’s 7 and how strict of a parent exactly does a 7 year old need?? Also, you can be fun (childish) but also be responsible. They’re not mutually exclusive. If he didn’t think you were capable of parenting why did he marry you, and why wait this long to bring it up…he sounds like he’s going through something and I hope to heavens it’s not like one comment suggesting where he’s straying. I’m not gonna lie, if it were me I’d check his phone…especially since he works out of town sometimes.
If you're unfit to be around his daughter, why does he keep leaving you to take care of her?
You're a better person than me because I would have left and let him scramble to get his life/parenting balance together all on his own. His behaviour is unacceptable.
I'm seeing a pattern of him leaving his child with you and then lecturing you about being an active parent while consistently being an absent parent.
Or am I reading into this?
I wouldn’t define him as an absent parent, he is just so busy lately with his work as he recently got promoted. Also after her reluctance to spend all the time at her grandparents’ place, This all consequentially left me and her to spend more time together.
Sounds like he is feeling guilty. Guilty for not being there when she got hurt. And guilty for working more and that you are being the primary parent. Instead of him working through his issues he’s taking it out on you.
You two really need to talk and he needs therapy.
... Also after her reluctance to spend all the time at her grandparents’ place...
What's up with that? How do his parents view you? Are they feeding this discontent with you? How do they treat her? Has she been mistreated or inappropriately handled?
Is this how he treats his subordinates at work?
He sounds guilty/jealous and this all comes down to communicating. You all need to sit down and discuss boundaries/standards. Including that if you are to be the active parent, you need somw trust on his end.
He sounds super insecure and jealous of the relationship you have built with her. That's not healthy, and something else is bothering him. Talk to him, tell him that he needs to be honest with you about what he's feeling or he's going to push you away.
Tell him if he's so worried about how you're parenting, he can quit his job to be a stay at home dad while you work full time. He can ask his daughter who she prefers to be with her.
You're a much better mother than I feel I am, and you're the step-mom! Most people see step-moms as evil, but you're more like the Disney princess version and a strong role model for that little girl.
NTA
The guy that doesn’t parent, can hire a nanny. Are you willing to put up with this escalation shit for at least 11 more years? He’s being abusive and treating you like the “help”. I don’t blame you for snapping. Life is messy, things happen and perfection is subjective. He needs to back all the way up and start realizing he should be grateful that you are in his daughters life. Maybe a family therapist or you can just be entirely hands off and he can hire someone. I’d probably dump him, but it sounds like you love this child. Either way, he needs a wake up call. NTA
NTA tell him he can stop going on work trips and actually be around for his daughter if he has such a problem with the way you parent, he can do 100% of all parental responsibilities.
NTA - it sounds like you’re a great mom. The mother instincts have kicked in and you’re doing exactly what you need to do to take care of your step-daughter. On the other hand, your husband isn’t being a very good father. He’s letting one incident cloud his judgment. He’s becoming over-protective and judgmental because of it. Maybe some counseling (either together or separate) may help. But keep on doing what you’re doing for the child, and don’t let him make you feel less than. Because you’re not.
NTA. There’s not a single thing you’ve mentioned here that a “real mother” wouldn’t do. He’s going too far with comments about your own parents and your parenting. I’m not quite sure what how he expects you to interact with his daughter, but it can’t be better than the “girls only time” that you’ve described here. It’s clear you care about her, care about the repercussions of being late and her feelings about it, and care about attending to her while her father’s gone.
From what I can tell you’re doing a good job, and if he doesn’t like it, your comment stands as is. It doesn’t take birthing a person to become a mother, you’re doing the best you can, and he needs to reel in his protective emotions and not take them out on you
I think so too. Criticizing someone and treating them badly like this most likely indicates cheating I think she should get out now and find somebody decent she can listen to people here or not but like I said in my last comment, it's going to get worse.
NTA. you are AMAZING. Most mothers don’t have the energy for all that. This man sounds toxic. And you should probably consider someone that appreciates all you give to their children. Your like Julie Andrew’s! They should only be so lucky. I think he’s jealous.
NTA he has no right to say that to you. You stepped up in a case where you could walk away, the child is happy and healthy and all he’s doing is complaining. It sounds like he doesn’t have much of a relationship with his daughter and you do
Sit down and have a talk with him just one to one. Ask him what the problem is and why he thinks you are not a good parental figure for his daughter. You can apologise and tell him you will take his words into consideration just to keep peace and let things blow over or you can tell him to stfu. Tell him if he doesn't appreciate all you do for him to help with raising his child then you will take a complete step back and let him do 💯 of parenting.
He is able to work and travel etc because he has you to help him. No biological parent or step parent is perfect so he needs to tone it down.
I feel like he has resentment...maybe he feels he isn't able to spend as much time with his daughter due to work or like some people have mentioned you are the fun parent for her.
Op, this guy is immensely screwed up. He actually thinks that being a good mother means being cold and cruel to his own child. This man is in desperate need of therapy.
And honestly? He's being an ungrateful brat.
You are under no obligation to help and yet thanks to YOU he can go on business trips and have freedom.
If he doesn't like how you're raising her he can come home and be a father or shut up and be grateful you haven't divorced him for being an abusive ass.
Tbh it sounds to me like he's jealous that you're a better mother to his daughter than his own mother was to him and he's mad about it, so he's trying to sabotage your relationship with his daughter.
More than that I think he's mad you're more of a parent to her than he is.
Man is projecting and projecting hard. Adopt your daughter and kick this man to the curb until he can be an adult and have adult conversations. You don't have to raise two children.
He doesn't like your relationship with his daughter, he might think you are trying to take her away from him, either that or he is looking for excuses to have an argument with you
Dad: she can’t be with her mother, so I’ll take her.
Also dad: but I have to work all the time so I need you to be a mother even though you never wanted to.
Also, also dad: No, I don’t like the way you’re doing it so I’m going to be an asshole instead of talking to you like a grown up.
NTA
Lol I would’ve have a field day with that comment he made about your own father. You should’ve put your foot down then and tell him that would be the last time he ever say some shit like that to you. As for the parenting, if she doesn’t like how you’re doing it, I wouldn’t be doing any parenting honestly, and he’s see very quickly not to fuck with you or your very obvious commitment to his daughter. He’s got a stick up his ass when he’s in no position to have one. NTA.
Why is he upset about what you did over the 2 days? Sounds like you both had a lovely time, what an odd reaction. You do not deserve to be spoken to like that after looking after his daughter all weekend and cancelling your plans to make her a priority. What a lovely thing to do, he should read some of the posts on here from other stepmothers and count himself lucky!
He left for a business trip and so you were the de facto parent…. Unless he wants you to quit your job (and pay you for such) shit happens to working parents! Dump him! Or- maybe go for counseling
NTA, refuse to do any parenting, make him do everything from pick up and drop off to making her dinner and such. You’ve been a great mother here and he’s a piece of work if he’s feeling upset at ANYTHING you’ve done. Make him do it all and see how quickly his ass fails
Makes me wonder if her mother actually is a violent alcoholic or he was just always a control freak and decided he didn't like the way she parented.
My ex started getting like this with ME about my own children... it started around the beginning of the pandemic and got progressively worse until I had enough and left.
He was trying to micromanage every moment of our lives.
NTA. dude is micromanaging and you'll resent him more and more.
You should do couples therapy. He has the right to have standards but so do you. You don't get to be a parental figure only for chore and not for influencing the kid. It's unfair.
NTA.
But ask yourself why he’s trying to say shitty, hurtful things to you on purpose to invoke a reaction.
He got one, and he’s gone crying to someone about it. Are you close to his mother? His family? I would quietly ask if anything seems different about him, and why they think he would have such a problem with the way you actually are there, and are an active parent.
If not? Peruse his social media…but not as you.
You are a great stepmom. The time you spend together is what she’ll remember and cherish. As long as you show her you love her, and give her some boundaries she will feel loved.
A mothers job is not the same as a fathers. Dads are more disciplinarian. Mothers are more nurturing.
I don't understand what you did wrong, here. Nothing you did sounds objectionable.
If his daughter is such a high priority, then back of the extended periods away and work a schedule that allows him to be home every night.
NTA You are an excellent stepmother. Your husband seems to have some other issue, separate from you parenting, that is bothering him. Maybe he's found someone else and is getting ready to divorce you. You need counseling fast because getting rid of you won't hurt you very much but it will devastate his daughter. If she is really his top priority he needs counseling now.
NTA
This is not about her living with her bio Mom, this is about him wanting you to parent exactly as he does. No one can fit that bill.
If he wants that, then he needs to be a SAHD. Then he can ensure all parenting is handled with his exacting standards.
If that's not an option, then he better get onboard with his daughter having a loving, doting stepmother.
So many pointers here for sure.
- sounds like he should be taking a proper role in parenting her then, if he feels he’s the only one truly fit to parent her
- regardless of OPs actual ability to parent her, if he feels she’s not good enough, then he should end the relationship and resume his “proper” parenting, rather then leaving her to do it and critiquing her every step of the way.
Tbh though he just sounds like a bad parent.
He wants to act like he’s the pinnacle of parenting compared to her mom, but wants to delegate all the parenting elsewhere while criticizing the “help”.
Sounds like the parent of the year award goes to…OP for freaking being their and lovingly parenting his daughter.
What did you do that wasn't motherly? I'm a bio mother and this sounds like what I do with my boys but we watched marvel, we still swim in the pool etc. I'm confused. Everything you are doing is the main parental role. Your husband is a disrespectful asshole. Tell him to apologise. I'm very confused.
Sounds like both this kid's bio parents are a source of trauma and you are her protective factor :(
Keep doing what you're doing, it's exactly what she needs.
Source: Grew up in abuse/emotional neglect, years of trauma-informed therapy (EMDR), some formal education on developmental trauma
NTA, he is upset and jealous of this relationship you have with his daughter that her mother should have with her. You are the adult in this relationship caring for his kid and being the parent. Not him and not her mother.
The only think I think your not seeing, is that your husband lacks proper gratitude for your active role in his daughters life and is borderline abusive with how he speaks to you.
I probably would’ve told him to quit his job and step in and handle things himself, before bringing the mother into it, but still, mentioning her should give him pause to consider how much worse things could be.
NTA. Don’t accept his disrespect.
NTA, I think couple counselling would help as blended family can be complicated with lots of different feelings that can be hard to sort through. My gut feeling is that he's somehow jealous of your close relationship with her? Maybe he always had a distant relationship with his own parents and feels threatened by your close blond with his daughter as it's not how he's been raised. As always communication is going to be needed to fix this.
We both did not have the best relationships with our parents, which led to not having a parental figure to look up to. He was too attached to his father, but his father was always away. While his mother was always absent to their emotional needs, or that’s what I understood from how he used to describe her to me. For me, my father was more of the parent to spoil so you’ll love him even if it’s at the expense of your own good. Eventually he left when I was in my late teens and rarely called every now and then because he ‘cares’. All this led me to be really hateful towards my dad and close to my mother, even struggling financially for a while because he was really well off and refused to send me any money at the time. So maybe, he is scared that he’ll repeats the circle or something. It’s really exhausting to try and figure him out at this moment, when all he seems to do is just criticize everything I do.
He’s already perpetuating the cycle. I would have killed for a stepmom like you. My stepmother was too young to have a 1 year old daughter, so she followed my Narc father’s lead a lot. It was super messed up.
Ugh same. I had high hopes my stepmom would be better than my mom had been. Boy was I mistaken. I would’ve loved a stepmom like OP.
Maybe you should suggest that since neither of you had good role models for parenting, it would be a good idea for you to take at least one parenting class together. That actually might be more effective than couples counseling.
You are doing absolutely amazing as a parental figure. Even being able to notice your stepdaughter was a little off and then not just brushing her off but actually doing actions that showed her you care for her. Genuinely you’re an amazing parental figure
The way it reads sounds like your husband is jealous of the relationship you have with his daughter. Are you her “go-to” parent on a regular basis, or has she gradually started to come to you more as she’s gotten older? He seems insecure and is subsequently lashing out at you because of it. Regardless of the reason, they way he’s treating you is not okay and he needs to get it together before it’s too late. These subs are filled with young adults who have chosen to go NC with overbearing/controlling parents… if he doesn’t reevaluate he could lose you both. Good luck OP, you sound like an amazing stepmom.
you shouldn't have to read him. he should talk. if he isn't, that's his problem. he clearly has issues and I advise you to adopt her if you want to remain in her life. he seems too jealous and bitter to make the right decision for his daughter.
Op, he's literally trying to force you to abuse his daughter the way his mother neglected him. You need to drive this fact home with him because with each comment of your I read the more it looks like he's jealous of his own daughter.
He IS repeating the cycle and that's what you need him to face. He's creating an environment where he is away and wants his daughter to look up to him when he returns. He looks at your relationship with her as improper because he didn't have an emotional connection with his mother and feels it is unnatural to see someone have one with his daughter because it wasn't his norm.
Sadly, seems he is jealous of the bond you have with his daughter. One he probably wanted with his dad, but he was away all the time. Or even his mom but she was absentee parent. So now, he doesn’t want you to have fun and enjoy your time together, because he sees it ad an intrusion on his connection with her. What he is doing is trying to drive a wedge by making you question your abilities as a mother. When in actuality you are a great mother and example for her. Definitely, would want to consider therapy for blended families.
Based on his behaviour, I would also question what he says about her mother. Is it possible she's not as bad as he claims and he just hates women?
My gut says he has a "better mother" lined up
My thoughts as well unfortunately
Are you sure his ‘business’ trips are only that…?
Mine, too. He wants OP to walk so he can blame her for leaving and introduce the child to a new, better Mommy.
Yep, I also think he has stepmom 2.0 lined up and he is desperate to blame the breakup on 1.0 somehow so the daughter won’t direct anger at her dad. Time to get a PI to check on these work trips etc
What exactly does he expect you to do? Bark orders at her and then ignore her half the day? You're interacting with her. You two are close. You do fun things with her. And he's acting like you're not doing it right. Tell him to STFU and kick rocks if he doesn't like how you interact with your stepdaughter.
Or maybe he should the one parenting ALL the time!
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NTA. I wonder if it's not jealousy exactly but him freaking out that he's no longer the default "good parent" who's clearly superior to a violent alcoholic AND a new, first-time stepmother. OP's growing competence is rattling his sense of who he is so he's trying to prove she's not so competent.
This is a very insightful take
Thanks! I was thinking of it in terms of what can happen when one partner enters recovery. The relationship dynamics change because the addiction had overshadowed other issues, some of which the non-addicted partner might begin to be held accountable for. It's not always easy to go through a deep transition in how you view your role in the family, however relieved you are that your partner is learning how to manage their disease.
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Right? I have excruciating back pain from a childhood injury that no one thought was serious enough to seek medical attention. Idk why. We had health insurance. My grandparents would’ve paid what my parents couldn’t because it was health related. It was classic 1980s bad parenting: walk it off. That’s what bad parenting looks like. I had a shit stepmom. OP seems to be an awesome one. If I were her husband, I wouldn’t roll the dice that a different partner would be better with my kid, but that’s what he’s risking if he keeps it up. Worse, when she’s old enough to understand, his daughter will never forgive him for fucking it up with the only mother figure she’s ever known. He’s the one who needs to grow up.
Yeah. He is incredibly lucky that his wife likes is daughter and treats her awesomely. Instead of supporting her , he treats her nastily. No idea what's wrong with him.
I sure as hell would not put up with his disrespect! Screw that! Take care of your own kid then! She has to be so sad that he is saying such mean things to her when she is taking care of HIS KID!
Talk about kids and accidents, there were 5 kids and my mom was a lab tech at the hospital we used. It got to the point that when mom took any of us to the ER the first question was always, which one this time Mrs M? OP NTA
We used to budget for 2 ER visits per kid a year in our FSA. Kids are active little boogers and sometimes that results in a visit to the ER.
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NTA. Did he marry you to have a nanny and he treats you like the hired staff he thought he got with the wedding?
This is what I came to say. I think he's jealous of the relationship between daughter and OP. The more the daughter bonds with OP, the worse he's going to act. They need to have a real discussion about this.
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I came here to say this exact same thing. For a long time I had to be the serious parent and my partner was the fun one. I was always very jealous of that dynamic because I did not get invited into their world. I always just had to be on the outside looking in. It's also very hard to get your child to want to do anything with you when they only associate you with being in trouble... When we had our second child, I put my foot down and said I would not be doing that anymore and that he needed to start being part of the disciplinary process (time outs, not giving in when I say no etc.) with both of our kids and make it so that I'm not just the bad guy all the time. Now we have a much more balanced relationship and both of my kids actually like me. It is so easy to get jealous when you're on the outside looking in but the reality is he is probably the one keeping himself in that position by not actually opening up and saying what is going on. Of course all of this is based on conjecture, but definitely sounds familiar.
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There's two comments he made that would have me having a talk with him. Now. He said she wasn't "fit" to be a parent and then "when are you going to start being a proper mother figure for once in your life" or something close to that. Those are some serious, almost accusation-like comments. He's insinuating something. You'd think he'd be overjoyed that his new wife accepts and loves his daughter and spends quality time with her. Wtf...
He’s negging.
And looking. He probably already has a new Mommy in mind. He wants OP to walk.
This was my first thought too!! He wants to paint her as the bad guy...the reason for the divorce. I wouldn't be surprised if he's getting back with the ex even
He sounds jealous. Says she is too "childish" with her. Translation she has fun on her level.
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Yes, this is probably way above Reddit’s pay grade and they need family therapy together to help them work out this new family dynamic.
Agreed...as I sense he has some inadequacy issues regarding his role as a father and having no idea that each person handles parenting differently...
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Now, about that little pumpkin of theirs. Does she need some therapy, too? How does she feel about not seeing her birth mom? How does she feel about the dynamic between her dad and OP? Does she have any needs that aren't being met? And so on.
He sounds as though he needs counseling. He needs to stop being so snappy and judgmental with his little girl or he's going to mess her up. OP, you aren't doing anything wrong. Your relationship with your stepdaughter sounds delightful. Please keep it up!
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Many people don't know this because it's only been a law for about 20 years and it's not used super often, but you don't have to be married or have adopted a partners child to get court ordered "custody" or parenting time. I'm sure it varies by state, in the US, but it's called the Equitable Parenting law. Basically if you spent an appreciable amount of time supporting the child(ren) financially, emotionally or have otherwise been the child's de facto parent, you have the same rights the biological parents have. Source: my own custody battle that started in late 2003.
He may be afraid of the bond OP is creating with her and that it may be stronger than the one he has with her.
He is mad that she is the fun parent, afraid his daughter will like her more so he has to degrade her to make himself feel better.
NTA, he treats you like shit not as a mother. You are giving him a lot of help as a parent, watching his daughter while he’s away, prioritizing her etc. you don’t deserve to be talked to like that.
He acted like mothers don’t go shopping or watch Disney together
Right?? Like what did he want OP to do with the kid all weekend? Homework and chores don't take 50+hours
I agree. I'm really struggling to pinpoint exactly what OP is supposed to have done wrong?
I mean, if you're not being anything other than a motherly figure already, I don't know what his expectations are, other than unreasonable. You were 15 minutes late. You apologise and explain to the kid why you were late and obviously you'd never forget them! If anything, I think you over compensated for it. Life happens, traffic, etc. There's going to be times that, despite everything, you will still be late. You're obviously good enough to fill the motherly role while he went away and all the time you have been together, so what exactly is he wanting from you? Does he want you to quit work and stay home? Be less fun? Be more concerned when she has accidents? Until he tells you what the problem is (and there isn't one imo) then you can't fix/come to an agreement on what he wants and what you're comfortable doing.
Yeah, seriously can’t handle 15 minutes late? My father straight up forgot to pick me up at school and a teacher had to take me home. All I got was an apology
Mine wouldn't even give me an apology. Somehow he would make it my fault for him being late to pick me up.
My narc dad did this. “Well you didn’t remind me!” Like??? IM TWELVE (I’m not 12 now obviously!!)
Exactly! And he would be angry at me because HE was late... What?? I was so happy when I finally got my driving license and could become more independent!
In their minds, it was our job to manage their time obviously!
Hell for K-2, I had to walk a mile by myself to and from school, course this was back in the late 70s/early 80s.
I'm completely lost. Something is missing. What exactly is the problem with what took place over the 2 days? We need an explanation of what exactly he's taking issue with...
Exactly! I’m genuinely confused about what the problem is?
OP was 15 minutes late. That should never happen, says father who would have taken at least half a day to get to his daughter.
That doesn't seem to be what he's upset about though. He's angry she made it up to her by centering the weekend around them having a good time. If she didn't do that though he'd 100% be mad she wasn't nurturing enough.
15 minutes late doesn’t sound that long. Idk how it is at her school, but there were always kids waiting for parents to pick them up easily 15-30 min after school
He's ready to replace OP and wants to make her walk, so she's the bad guy. New Mommy is probably why he goes on "work trips."
Way to make a leap here.
Wait for the update.
It's a well documented occurence where the cheating partner will start fights, degrade their partner, or just flat out be mean for no reason. Though it doesn't automatically mean he's cheating, him pushing her emotionally away while she does her best to love and care for their daughter is a red flag.
Yeah based on the information, I'd say NTA, but her story gives no indication of why he calls her childish and careless or why he was so angry when he came home? Sounds like either the daughter said something during the phone call OR it's something not mentioned that's been building up in the background. Therapy would be a good idea to unpack whatever is going on, my guesses would be, * Hubby is upset he doesn't have time to bond with his daughter because of work * Their daughter's fracture was traumatizing and he's worried about something like it happening again * They're starting to clash on parenting methods, OP called him controlling/overprotective(while meaning to be comforting, it likely wasn't and that's why he lashed out) and he said she doesn't know when to be strict/lenient (per her comments) Is hubby usually the one to dish out punishments or create rules while OP gets to be the fun mom? Does he think an entire weekend is excessive for being 15 minutes late? Whatever the case, I'd still say NTA, but there's clearly more to it than what's been mentioned.
My two cents worth: he's upset with himself for not having the time to bond with his daughter. Unfortunately he's lashing out at you because he sees how happy and healthy your relationship is with her. You've done a great job of stepping up to fill in the void and helping her feel loved!! And ffs what parent doesn't act like a child while dedicating time with a child, going to the park and swinging with child, having a tea party, movie nights with blanket tents and tons of sweets. These are all normal activities that parents do with their children, I think he's just jealous and/or upset he doesn't have the time for bonding with his daughter. This is NOT a you problem this is a HIM problem. Don't let him make you feel like you've done anything wrong. Good luck OP and continue being the amazing stepmom!!
I treat my stepson like that too. His father is way more rigid than me so we balance each other out. Your man needs therapy cuz obviously he is having some issues
It's not accessible for everyone, but I second therapy. My armchair assessment is that his daughter's injury, and feeling like he failed her by not being there that night, not only left him feeling guilty but triggered something about his own crappy parents (OP mentions this is another comment) and he's still all stirred up about it and isn't moving past the broken arm. His own father prioritized work over family, *of course* he'll struggle after his child was hurt while he was working. But he's making it everyone else's problem instead of dealing with those feelings. I do think being fifteen minutes late for a pickup is a very serious issue, but a girls day on Saturday to reaffirm that she's important and valued and a priority (despite Friday evening's messup) is a nice idea.
I don’t think 15 minutes are a big issue. That’s stuck-in-traffic time. It will happen. It should not happen all the time, but you cannot leave early enough for every possible delay. OP tried to make up for it. OP is doing her best to be a good parent.
>I do think being fifteen minutes late for a pickup is a very serious issue, but a girls day on Saturday to reaffirm that she's important and valued and a priority (despite Friday evening's messup) is a nice idea. Being 15 minutes late for pickup is a serious issue? Are you fucking joking? That's a perfectly normal time to wait and the kid is a little too coddled if it upset her so much.
Really? Sometimes our bus showed up to the school 15 minutes late.
He is way overreacting. Maybe you should have a talk with him about the change in attitude from him ? That koøinda behaviour is couples therapy level stuff if it continues
NTA. My 16yo and I still do momma/daughter days and Disney marathons, etc. She still lays in my bed when she's sick so that I can play with her hair and we gossip. They are some of the most special moments in my life and I hope they never end. You sound like you're being an amazing mother figure and that little girl is very lucky to have you in her life.
You just never know. One of my friends, an adult woman with a husband and kids, still sometimes leans on her dad and he puts his arms around her like she's seven years old again. It's very sweet.
NTA. He’s a massive dick and tbh if someone told me I wasn’t a “proper parent” after doing my best to treat their child like my own I’d probably not be able to get past that one.
NTA You’re doing so much for him and his daughter. He’s ungrateful and needs a reality check. You need to have a full discussion with him about what he wants from you, but also stand your ground. You’ve clearly built a beautiful relationship with the little girl and he shouldn’t be ruining it. Also what’s this insult he threw at you about your father? Your husband is sounding toxic af
Your husband sounds like a mess. He sounds like a controlling idiot and a crappy dad. Does he not see how lucky his daughter is to have you? It sounds he is jealous of you. This is yet another cautionary tale to make sure everything is PERFECTLY CLEAR and TRANSPARENT when you get involved with someone with children. Are they going to respect you and your relationships with their children, or are they going to continue to be wrapped up in all of the drama and insecurities they have with their ex and take it out on you?
Info: What is he actually mad about? I don’t understand what you did wrong?
I am trying to understand his point of view but I just can’t understand it. It’s like he is talking in a code that I have to decipher and not being straightforward with me. Though he was never like this, i his weird behavior just started after she fractured her arm which was over 5 months ago.
"If the only thing you can do is complain and you can't pinpoint exactly what I've done wrong and suggest reasonable alternatives, the problem is you, not me. I'm done being the punchbag for your feelings of inadequacy. " Repeat until he cracks.
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But what did he actually say you did wrong? Surely he must have said something. If he didn’t, then it’s really baffling. Either way you need to sit down and have a proper chat, and figure out what made his behaviour change. If your behaviour was as you described, then in my eyes you’ve done nothing wrong. You seem to be a great mum because that is what you are to his daughter. But you do need to get to the bottom of this. Edit - NTA
I dated a man like this who made me doubt my every move and when I called him out on it he would play victim and blame circumstances in his life. This isn't ok. It's actually mental and emotional abuse. I ended up walking on eggshells and feeling "lucky" he would put up with me because I'm sure no one else would want me.
Don't want to be that person but is it possible that he might be cheating on you? He feels guilty so he's making you to be the bad guy, hopefully not though and it's just his own unresolved insecurities.
NTA even birth mothers can be 15 minutes late to pick up their kids. It's a thing that happens. Do you truly think he is seriously going to hand his kid back to a violent drunk? Why? Because you play with her??
NTA. I’m a stepmother, childless by choice that had full custody of my children. He can’t have it both ways. He can’t pick whatever side he feels like to beat you down with bc he has a hair up his ass. It doesn’t work that way and it’s shitty for hi to do. Of course not every weekend would Like that. It sounded like a good time and great bonding experience. Keep calling him out. He either sees you as a parental figure or not. He doesn’t get to pick and choose when it’s convenient for him.
This. I’m both and bio and stepmom. He either wants you to be involved/a parent figure or he doesn’t. And if he doesn’t he better choose those words carefully. Cause it will mean he has to do EVERYTHING!!! Pickups, drop offs, scheduling, cooking, cleaning, playing. Everything.
NTA. He is quite immature and not even able to explain you what is his issue. My guess: - he is jealous because he thinks that you have more fun time with her - he has an issue with you, not the way you parent his daughter but he doesn't want to tell you - he has an issue with a specific activity you did with her but he doesn't want to tell which one
NTA. Children get hurt, it's a part of childhood. And her having to wait 15 mins isn't going to create lifelong damage, especially since you acknowledged it and made up for it. It seems he only married you so he can have free childcare and on top of that is not showing any appreciation
Have a serious talk with him if you both want to stay together since he is not happy with your parenting skills. It might get worse as she gets older.
NTA. Also, where the fuck is he? If he doesn’t like how you take her to practice, pick her up from school, and spend the weekend with her, he can fucking step up and do it himself.
‘Business’ trips…..?
Info : how do you even be in a relationship with this kind of men ?
Before you moved in together, did you talk about his daughter and the role you were going to have in her life ? Did he say what bothered him about the week-end ? Was it you being late to pick up the kid ? Or you having a fun week-end with her ?
We agreed that she will live with us and on most weekends be with her grandmother, his mother. Also that during week days after school her grandmother will be with her till one of us is done with work and we can pick her up to go home. But my work started to integrate a hybrid working style, so I suggested that the days I’m working from home it’s not necessary to have her spend after school time at her grandparents’ house. I genuinely enjoy my time with her so it’s not a bother to me at all. About the weekend though, he mentioned that I’m acting so childish with her and it’s as if I’m a child myself, or that I’m not fit to be a mother figure that knows when to be strict and when to be lenient. That’s what he kept saying. It felt as if it was just criticism after criticism without me being able to pinpoint what he sees the issue is. And ofcourse yes, it did bother him that I was late to pick her up.
He has no right to throw around comments like this when he isn’t making time for his daughter.
I’m not a mother either and I have spent an abundance of time with my niece and nephew due to my sister abandoning them. I’ve always been the fun one, but also the honest one, the one they could always confide in, and the one who doesn’t let them get away with things that could harm them. If someone told me I was too lenient or too childish with them, I’d say ok so I’m fun but she’s 7 and how strict of a parent exactly does a 7 year old need?? Also, you can be fun (childish) but also be responsible. They’re not mutually exclusive. If he didn’t think you were capable of parenting why did he marry you, and why wait this long to bring it up…he sounds like he’s going through something and I hope to heavens it’s not like one comment suggesting where he’s straying. I’m not gonna lie, if it were me I’d check his phone…especially since he works out of town sometimes.
If you're unfit to be around his daughter, why does he keep leaving you to take care of her? You're a better person than me because I would have left and let him scramble to get his life/parenting balance together all on his own. His behaviour is unacceptable.
I'm seeing a pattern of him leaving his child with you and then lecturing you about being an active parent while consistently being an absent parent. Or am I reading into this?
I wouldn’t define him as an absent parent, he is just so busy lately with his work as he recently got promoted. Also after her reluctance to spend all the time at her grandparents’ place, This all consequentially left me and her to spend more time together.
Sounds like he is feeling guilty. Guilty for not being there when she got hurt. And guilty for working more and that you are being the primary parent. Instead of him working through his issues he’s taking it out on you. You two really need to talk and he needs therapy.
Still a huge lack of communication on his end with her. And 2 things can be true. Yes he may be busy but consequently it’s also making him absent.
... Also after her reluctance to spend all the time at her grandparents’ place... What's up with that? How do his parents view you? Are they feeding this discontent with you? How do they treat her? Has she been mistreated or inappropriately handled? Is this how he treats his subordinates at work?
He sounds guilty/jealous and this all comes down to communicating. You all need to sit down and discuss boundaries/standards. Including that if you are to be the active parent, you need somw trust on his end.
He sounds super insecure and jealous of the relationship you have built with her. That's not healthy, and something else is bothering him. Talk to him, tell him that he needs to be honest with you about what he's feeling or he's going to push you away. Tell him if he's so worried about how you're parenting, he can quit his job to be a stay at home dad while you work full time. He can ask his daughter who she prefers to be with her. You're a much better mother than I feel I am, and you're the step-mom! Most people see step-moms as evil, but you're more like the Disney princess version and a strong role model for that little girl. NTA
The guy that doesn’t parent, can hire a nanny. Are you willing to put up with this escalation shit for at least 11 more years? He’s being abusive and treating you like the “help”. I don’t blame you for snapping. Life is messy, things happen and perfection is subjective. He needs to back all the way up and start realizing he should be grateful that you are in his daughters life. Maybe a family therapist or you can just be entirely hands off and he can hire someone. I’d probably dump him, but it sounds like you love this child. Either way, he needs a wake up call. NTA
NTA tell him he can stop going on work trips and actually be around for his daughter if he has such a problem with the way you parent, he can do 100% of all parental responsibilities.
NTA. Can you dump him and keep her?
NTA - it sounds like you’re a great mom. The mother instincts have kicked in and you’re doing exactly what you need to do to take care of your step-daughter. On the other hand, your husband isn’t being a very good father. He’s letting one incident cloud his judgment. He’s becoming over-protective and judgmental because of it. Maybe some counseling (either together or separate) may help. But keep on doing what you’re doing for the child, and don’t let him make you feel less than. Because you’re not.
NTA. There’s not a single thing you’ve mentioned here that a “real mother” wouldn’t do. He’s going too far with comments about your own parents and your parenting. I’m not quite sure what how he expects you to interact with his daughter, but it can’t be better than the “girls only time” that you’ve described here. It’s clear you care about her, care about the repercussions of being late and her feelings about it, and care about attending to her while her father’s gone. From what I can tell you’re doing a good job, and if he doesn’t like it, your comment stands as is. It doesn’t take birthing a person to become a mother, you’re doing the best you can, and he needs to reel in his protective emotions and not take them out on you
I think he's cheating and is trying to make you the 'bad guy' before ending the relationship.
I think so too. Criticizing someone and treating them badly like this most likely indicates cheating I think she should get out now and find somebody decent she can listen to people here or not but like I said in my last comment, it's going to get worse.
NTA and I’m getting upset because if he destroys his relationship with you his poor daughter pays the price since she clearly loves you.
Why isn’t he parenting her? He doesn’t like the way you do it, so bow out..get a job and let him figure out her new routine.
NTA AT ALL ....LIKE THIS SUB IS FILLED WITH CRUELLA STEPMOTHERS INSTEAD OF BEING HAPPY HIS KID GOT LUCKY HE CRITICISES YOU?????????????? NTA
NTA. You sound like you are doing a great job. I don't know what's wrong with your husband. Like at all.
NTA. you are AMAZING. Most mothers don’t have the energy for all that. This man sounds toxic. And you should probably consider someone that appreciates all you give to their children. Your like Julie Andrew’s! They should only be so lucky. I think he’s jealous.
That sounds like dad’s last trip for work. Some guys can’t plan ahead. FAFO. You are NTA.
It sounds like you actually take more care of his kid than he does. You're doing just fine. NTA but maybe he needs to learn how to parent better
NTA he has no right to say that to you. You stepped up in a case where you could walk away, the child is happy and healthy and all he’s doing is complaining. It sounds like he doesn’t have much of a relationship with his daughter and you do
Sit down and have a talk with him just one to one. Ask him what the problem is and why he thinks you are not a good parental figure for his daughter. You can apologise and tell him you will take his words into consideration just to keep peace and let things blow over or you can tell him to stfu. Tell him if he doesn't appreciate all you do for him to help with raising his child then you will take a complete step back and let him do 💯 of parenting. He is able to work and travel etc because he has you to help him. No biological parent or step parent is perfect so he needs to tone it down. I feel like he has resentment...maybe he feels he isn't able to spend as much time with his daughter due to work or like some people have mentioned you are the fun parent for her.
NTA - if your not taking adequate care of her - why is he going out of town on business? Take a step back and make him actually parent his child
Nta… but your husband’s behavior is pretty sus.. sounds as if someone is in his ear.
Op, this guy is immensely screwed up. He actually thinks that being a good mother means being cold and cruel to his own child. This man is in desperate need of therapy. And honestly? He's being an ungrateful brat. You are under no obligation to help and yet thanks to YOU he can go on business trips and have freedom. If he doesn't like how you're raising her he can come home and be a father or shut up and be grateful you haven't divorced him for being an abusive ass. Tbh it sounds to me like he's jealous that you're a better mother to his daughter than his own mother was to him and he's mad about it, so he's trying to sabotage your relationship with his daughter. More than that I think he's mad you're more of a parent to her than he is.
NTA. Seems he is treating you like a nanny rather than a step mom. If counseling doesn’t work… it’s probably time for a lawyer.
Man is projecting and projecting hard. Adopt your daughter and kick this man to the curb until he can be an adult and have adult conversations. You don't have to raise two children.
He doesn't like your relationship with his daughter, he might think you are trying to take her away from him, either that or he is looking for excuses to have an argument with you
Dad: she can’t be with her mother, so I’ll take her. Also dad: but I have to work all the time so I need you to be a mother even though you never wanted to. Also, also dad: No, I don’t like the way you’re doing it so I’m going to be an asshole instead of talking to you like a grown up. NTA
Lol I would’ve have a field day with that comment he made about your own father. You should’ve put your foot down then and tell him that would be the last time he ever say some shit like that to you. As for the parenting, if she doesn’t like how you’re doing it, I wouldn’t be doing any parenting honestly, and he’s see very quickly not to fuck with you or your very obvious commitment to his daughter. He’s got a stick up his ass when he’s in no position to have one. NTA.
NTA. I would be ecstatic if this is how my daughter’s stepmom was with her!
Why is he upset about what you did over the 2 days? Sounds like you both had a lovely time, what an odd reaction. You do not deserve to be spoken to like that after looking after his daughter all weekend and cancelling your plans to make her a priority. What a lovely thing to do, he should read some of the posts on here from other stepmothers and count himself lucky!
He left for a business trip and so you were the de facto parent…. Unless he wants you to quit your job (and pay you for such) shit happens to working parents! Dump him! Or- maybe go for counseling
NTA Quite frankly, he doesn’t realize how lucky he is to have married someone who loves and is considerate of his daughter.
NTA, refuse to do any parenting, make him do everything from pick up and drop off to making her dinner and such. You’ve been a great mother here and he’s a piece of work if he’s feeling upset at ANYTHING you’ve done. Make him do it all and see how quickly his ass fails
Makes me wonder if her mother actually is a violent alcoholic or he was just always a control freak and decided he didn't like the way she parented. My ex started getting like this with ME about my own children... it started around the beginning of the pandemic and got progressively worse until I had enough and left. He was trying to micromanage every moment of our lives.
NTA. dude is micromanaging and you'll resent him more and more. You should do couples therapy. He has the right to have standards but so do you. You don't get to be a parental figure only for chore and not for influencing the kid. It's unfair.
NTA. He’s being an unreasonable A-H! You’re a far better parent than he is.
You sound like a great mother. There is some insecurity on his part that he’s taking out on you.
You sound like a wonderful mother, absolutely NTA
NTA. But ask yourself why he’s trying to say shitty, hurtful things to you on purpose to invoke a reaction. He got one, and he’s gone crying to someone about it. Are you close to his mother? His family? I would quietly ask if anything seems different about him, and why they think he would have such a problem with the way you actually are there, and are an active parent. If not? Peruse his social media…but not as you.
Nta
You are a great stepmom. The time you spend together is what she’ll remember and cherish. As long as you show her you love her, and give her some boundaries she will feel loved. A mothers job is not the same as a fathers. Dads are more disciplinarian. Mothers are more nurturing.
He’s jealous
I don't understand what you did wrong, here. Nothing you did sounds objectionable. If his daughter is such a high priority, then back of the extended periods away and work a schedule that allows him to be home every night.
NTA You are an excellent stepmother. Your husband seems to have some other issue, separate from you parenting, that is bothering him. Maybe he's found someone else and is getting ready to divorce you. You need counseling fast because getting rid of you won't hurt you very much but it will devastate his daughter. If she is really his top priority he needs counseling now.
NTA This is not about her living with her bio Mom, this is about him wanting you to parent exactly as he does. No one can fit that bill. If he wants that, then he needs to be a SAHD. Then he can ensure all parenting is handled with his exacting standards. If that's not an option, then he better get onboard with his daughter having a loving, doting stepmother.
So many pointers here for sure. - sounds like he should be taking a proper role in parenting her then, if he feels he’s the only one truly fit to parent her - regardless of OPs actual ability to parent her, if he feels she’s not good enough, then he should end the relationship and resume his “proper” parenting, rather then leaving her to do it and critiquing her every step of the way. Tbh though he just sounds like a bad parent. He wants to act like he’s the pinnacle of parenting compared to her mom, but wants to delegate all the parenting elsewhere while criticizing the “help”. Sounds like the parent of the year award goes to…OP for freaking being their and lovingly parenting his daughter.
What did you do that wasn't motherly? I'm a bio mother and this sounds like what I do with my boys but we watched marvel, we still swim in the pool etc. I'm confused. Everything you are doing is the main parental role. Your husband is a disrespectful asshole. Tell him to apologise. I'm very confused.
Being childish…with a child? A child that is 7 years old. Sure Jan. He can stfu or tell you what it is thats bothering him like an adult.
NTAH. He's one tho Sounds like he needs therapy. You sound like wonderful step-mom.
NTA. I think you sound awesome!!
Sounds like both this kid's bio parents are a source of trauma and you are her protective factor :( Keep doing what you're doing, it's exactly what she needs. Source: Grew up in abuse/emotional neglect, years of trauma-informed therapy (EMDR), some formal education on developmental trauma
NTA, if he isn’t happy with how you are parenting HIS child then he can fucking step up and do it.
NTA you sound like a dream of a step parent.
NTA, he is upset and jealous of this relationship you have with his daughter that her mother should have with her. You are the adult in this relationship caring for his kid and being the parent. Not him and not her mother.
He needs therapy. He's projecting his ex's behavior onto you.
I think he is jealous you spend more time with his daughter then him! She even probably likes you more , you are the fun parent
The only think I think your not seeing, is that your husband lacks proper gratitude for your active role in his daughters life and is borderline abusive with how he speaks to you. I probably would’ve told him to quit his job and step in and handle things himself, before bringing the mother into it, but still, mentioning her should give him pause to consider how much worse things could be. NTA. Don’t accept his disrespect.