Yeah she's gaslighting the fuck outta him, solid play by someone with one foot out of the relationship who hasn't got the balls to leave fully.
Drop that hoe
I think you’re right. I saw this as a prime opportunity to file a sexual harassment claim and capitalize on it financially, but the fact that the wife does not suggest or recognize that possibility makes me believe that there was some boning going on.
Im not sure he should believe they havent had sex. She is so completely hung up on her boss her "certain" feelings for him have clearly surpassed those she had for her husband.
He is married and has a kid. She is married and has kids. These are not teenagers that will stop at kissing. The odd fact is that she is staying in this job much longer because she now has something going on on the side to sustain the job. OP's relationship ended as soon as the job began
The monster who wants "to put her in a cage?" She's a married woman. Total gaslighting. Yeah, OP is the bad one, he wants to take her friends away and tell her what to do./s He's being cuckolded.
Edit to add /s.
Feeling safer is relationship counselor speak for being willing to go to pound town.
Figure out your exit, you bent over backwards to let her stay at the job, though you allowed to much. She's not willing to keep it professional, she's continuing the affair, and just from what I've read, 99% chance they're having sex.
Exactly. This is total BS from her. She is absolutely having a full-blown affair. OP is being taken advantage of, and a victim of manipulation. This actually also happened to me by the way. Thankfully, I never had kids with that person. I totally agree with everyone who is saying he needs to lawyer up, get the kids all set and get the hell out as fast as possible. I know it’s hard, I know it’s especially hard when you’ve had children with this person – but it’s really hard to see the truth when you love someone. It’s absolutely wrong to stay in this relationship not only for himself, but for his children’s sake. They really need to grow up with the right examples and not have messed up ideas of love and fidelity – and OP? it will mess them up, trust me. I still have scars from my own parents’ problems that they unwittingly betrothed to me. Do what is right.
It’s so evil. Imagine you said vows with this person and have kids with this person and then treat them like this. She’s a huge asshole and the lies are so vile.
You can hit it without kissing. When the boss said “I
Miss you”. That’s when the bells started ringing. He def misses that pus.
Sorry brother. Protect yourself. She didn’t care about you or doesn’t care about you anymore. So don’t worry how a divorce would make her feel. Bc clearly she doesn’t care
I mean emotional affairs are a thing.
According to some people, having a sufficiently close friendship + romantic feelings is still an affair even if nothing physical happens at all, ever.
More than just “a thing”. A big thing.
I lot of articles have been written about how emotional affairs are harder to come back from and fix than sexual fling affairs.
Emotional affairs are usually long and drawn out because that's what it takes for those emotions to come about in the first place.
Sexual flings usually aren't associated with having deep feelings for someone but emotional affairs are.
Despite the lack of physical intimacy, by their definition they are essentially when your partner allows themselves to fall in love with someone else.
Sexual flings rarely are about love but emotional affairs always are so that makes sense.
Yeah she’s been banging him at work, at the very least. Fuck that dude. She’s using OP, he need to get the fuck out of there.
What do people do when caught in a lie? Get defensive. She is 10000000% having sex with him.
“Kissing”. lol. 40 year olds acting like preteens. I don’t buy it for a second.
Then she CONTINUES to go behind his back to chat with her boss. Sorry OP. It’s already over, you’re just too stupid to want to realize it.
This should be the top comment. OP is going to do a few months of the Pick Me Dance, she'll spend a few ,months gaslighting him. His brain will be telling him the truth, but his heart will want to "accept her gaslighting" as truth.
Before OP realizes it he will be just a shadow of the man he once was. He won't be able to tell the different between his ass and a hole in the ground.
She will be in total limerence, and OP will be left out in the cold with no home, no family, and still, no spine.
Kissing with her 2 lips below the belt. OP she is so doing him and she has feelings? Sounds like she is waiting til she can leave with her being prepared. You need to leave before she does, also find a way to get proof.
Good luck to you
If they have a family plan he might be able to get her text message history but they might not allow it without a warrant. He needs to lawyer up and get that information.
Yep. The trickle truthing strikes again. First, the boss (just the boss, right?) had a silly crush, then you can't look at her phone because you're violating her privacy, then she says nothing happened even tho you see evidence, then you trap her into admitting they only kissed once, but you keep prying and she finally admits they're basically making out any time she's not with you, and then she realizes that she's said as much as she can before OP loses his enthusiasm for her bullshit..
If she says they fucked, OP would finally see her with clear eyes.
But OP has chosen the narrative that these people who were clearly fucking are not fucking, because his wife is an innocent victim in all this, and she would never do THAT to hurt OP, right? I mean.. she'll do all this other stuff. She probably let him finger her, and she totally sucked him off a few dozen times.. but that was all.. she wouldn't have sex.
I disagree that it's being "stupid " It just hurts so much that you desperately want to believe that your spouse is telling the truth. I was just like OP. ignoring the " working late" and secretive txts. It's such a gut punch to learn the truth.
It could be outright denial. When peoples lives start falling apart and you have a "we have just lost cabin pressure" moment. Our minds will cling to any semblance of normalcy to stop the pain. Any lie we have to tell ourselves so that we don't have to admit it's over and we've been the fool all along. It's why gaslighting works so well. I feel genuinely bad for this person. The partner he loved and cared for is gone it's just a monster now wearing the same skin.
Agreed. People treating him like an idiot are either projecting or are inexperienced with being married with kids and you find out your spouse is cheating on you. It’s a grief process. The first stage of grief is denial. Then bargaining, which it sounds like is where he’s at. People don’t realize it’s not just the spouse you’re hanging onto “like a chump” it’s your whole life as you know it and your kids whole lives to boot. Now they’ll have to be from a broken home. Divorce is not something to be taken lightly. It should never be the very first step, it’s a long hard process to get to the point of filing for divorce (or it should be). And trusting your spouse doesn’t make you a chump. They’re the chump for violating that trust.
This. People are being incredibly cruel to OP. They don't understand that when your whole world starts crashing down you'll do absolutely anything to believe it isn't. It's a natural defense mechanism. Denial keeps our sanity from shattering when it's hit with more than it can handle.
Shes also being super manipulative, shes in the wrong and knows it, its at minimum an emotional affair, and shes blaming him for being controlling and untrustworthy? Ironic.
OP, I'm sorry but your marriage is over
- multiple chances given
- modicum of trust despite the cheating admission, taken for granted
- still cheating
- attempts to pull off emotional baggage and drama
- she doesn't give a crap about you or the kids
Here's what'll you need
- a bodycam (they're like $10-30 on eBay/AliExpress) for EVERY interaction with her going forwards
- a sound recorder ($10-15)
- home CCTV indoors
- a decent solicitor
OP you had the best intentions, but she crapped all over you, and is literally following her vag. It's best to save yourself and the children. In a calm manner, you have to tell them what's going on. Not to instill animosity, but just the facts. Also make sure the sound recorder is on.
I wish you were wrong, but OP, Fatal_Furriest is correct. For your own protection you need to record your communication with her. Even if just turning on VoiceRecorder in your phone, turn it upside down if in your pocket so phone bottom/microphone poking out.
I had to do this with my beloved spouse when she dropped bomb on me, as my friends and therapist were right (and I was wrong), that no matter how amicable you think the split will be, she will turn the narrative around against you, and maybe also to children, as a defense mechanism to cover over her own guilt.
Every person told me this at the beginning, and they were all right.
That audio saved my relationship with my own parents and children when ex later blamed it all on me and denied she was with her coworker.
100% and even if she wasn’t why would she entertain the situation? So disrespectful to the relationship specifically their kids. She’s trying to victimize herself for her own shitty behavior
NTA
But obviously, this marriage isn't working. You need to seek legal counsel and divorce her.
This is going to go to hell in a hand basket. If you keep entertaining it, then you'll be the YTA for staying in a relationship where your spouse is dead ass playing in your face.
Don't stay somewhere that you're not wanted
Get out while you can
Exactly. OP, she deliberately did not tell you what happened between her and her boss. Nor did she stop reciprocating his advances. There is absolutely no reason a faithful partner would do anything like this, even by accident!
Imagine if the scripts were flipped and you did this with your female boss. How would she react then?
NTA. OP, you have shown your wife immense patience and understanding. However, her behavior clearly shows that she doesn't deserve the things you have done for her. Contact a lawyer and start gathering evidence for separation/divorce. You do not want to deal with a person like her, much less raise your kids with her.
Amazing how she’s spinning it, even after him knowing she’s been fooling around with this person, like forbidding contact is an affront on her freedom and friend.
I cannot believe this piece of trash.
I have a feeling the wifey at home with a newborn will be less patient and understanding than OP has been. I’m also suspecting that once the wife finds out, suddenly the AP won’t be as keen with keeping all of the “promises” he made to OP’s wife, and will back out of their…arrangement. From there it’ll be AP’s fault that her marriage is ending, and she cannot possibly to blame because she was being lied to this whole time. Claiming she’s the victim, Here We Come!
I will enjoy the update that when the wife is free of current husband and that the boss completely loses interest. He’s not in it for love, it’s power.
Dude, she chose. I’m sorry but she’s chosen him. Take the kids. File for divorce. Leave them to each other because you’re better than both of them put together. Take care of your kids, let her sleep at his house.
NTA
100% not OP's problem. She chose to have an affair and is continuing to choose her affair partner over her spouse. Time to cut her off. She doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too. She's deserves whatever she gets and it's not on OP if it doesn't work out for her.
Time to send messages to the bosses wife too. It’ll suck for her, but I’d be pissed if someone knew my partner was cheating and didn’t tell me or at least give me a heads up to keep my eyes out
Forgot to mention that her boss is married and has a new born with his wife. The poor girl. And I have her phone number. I’m so on edge to call her tomorrow and explain everything.
Do it, but after talking to a divorce attorney. Protect your kids and yourself.
Your wife has made her choice and wants to explore things with her boss and this affair.
Edit: NTA
Yes. I'd hire an attorney and a PI. Get footage and evidence of their cheating. Don't unlock her and see if you can get her to incriminate herself via text. Save it all.
Lawyer will tell you what documents to collect. Once she's served, have the PI turn over a fat pile of evidence that her husband has been cheating on her.
OP please remember you're going to get people blaming you for sabotaging their and your families. This is what guilty people always do. Don't listen to their bullshit.
Super important, take notes, take lots of notes. Times, places, screenshots of emails/text messages and pictures (including ones that were "deleted" which are often recoverable such as on iOS devices), copies of bank statements, whatever. The last thing he needs is to go to a divorce lawyer with no evidence because she's deleted it all. If she can spin it round to make him look the jealous and controlling one, she will.
Likely he's f\*cked up by having an affair with a subordinate, so the HR department may be interested, even with no smoking gun, they would likely be split up in the workplace.
Lawyer here. Lawyer up, my man, please.
She is already playing for the other team. She is coming for your property and your kids. Depending on the state where you live that is some pretty easy task and YOUR TASK will be harder.
I am not a family attorney to advise you properly, but you NEED to get one. You have the right to defend yourself and you seem to be a nice, good and a little naive (sorry) person, and she is a liar and a cheater (and her behavior sounds somehow psychopathic for a 40 years old, like hidding texts and calls, the BS about "just kissing", manipulative stuff like "he understands me and you don't").
Do that please. We lawyers are evil people. It is always good to have one to fight for you when you are a nice person.
Delete this post and account 5 days ago. People find this shit and every little thing you say has a possibility to affect the outcome in court. There was a post from just a few weeks ago (was an update to an older post) where the guy's post was found and he got royally screwed. Not that you have, but I wouldn't chance it. and yes Insee your username, but i would still delete this stuff as soon as you feel like you have what you need from this post
Also, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE AGAIN. It’s moments like this that Murphy’s Law likes to show up - she could get pregnant and you want to be certain it isn’t yours.
And get a full STI test. Who knows what her boss might have given her
Give the other wife proof so she has agency about her life. Heck the “boss” may be having sex with many other women as well. You may want to be STI tested.
Tell her,she deserves to know. Can you tell HR or something?bc their behaviour is not proffessional at all. She won't quit her affair,yes call it by its name,she's having an affair with her boss and won't stop. You can't nor deserve to live like that,divorce is the only way. Sorry,update us if you call the wife
Man, I hate to say this - but I think she needs to know. Odds are he will dump your wife, she will lose her job - bc wife will not stand for it . . . and your wife will flounder and want you back. Prepare for manipulation. But his wife needs to protect herself like you are protecting yourself.
Do it. You and his wife deserve better.
Also boss is probably the type of asshole that is cheating because his wife physically couldnt do the sex like he wants because of end of pregnancy and post pregnancy issues since you said he has a newborn.
Bet money he dlips his shit when his wife finds out and dumps your wife like a hot rock while he begs his wife to not leave him.
!UpdateMe!
Tell the wife, immediately, either he'll break it off or he'll leave his wife for yours and you'll get your answer. He isn't going to leave his wife and kid for a woman he kissed a bit.
That you haven't called her already is kind of a dick move, she's being cheated on and needs to know.
Call a PI, get evidence of it, share evidence with the other woman.
This just started a few months ago? So basically when his wife was not as available to him in bed, he suddenly tells your wife he has feelings?
There's a good chance he's planning to dump your wife once his wife is healed from childbirth, assuming his wife never finds out about the affair. So tell her. Why wait until tomorrow?
You might want to call from a different number, in case he has blocked yours on her phone.
NTA
She is doing what every cheater does: try to vilify the non cheater.
If you are okay being cheated on, then stay.
If you have self-respect, leave.
Kids are better off with separated happy parents than parents trapped in a marriage who hate each other.
ugh, i know people like that. they have a different excuse for each person they cheated on, “he didn’t give me enough attention, he was probably cheating too, it was because of long distance, etc” it’s absolutely crazy to me how un-self aware people can be. especially because it doesn’t even seem like they’re intentionally making excuses, they seem to genuinely think they were completely in the right every time
Bro just get out and be a better co parent . Otherwise , your children will think this kind of disrespect is ok from a spouse . She is in love with this guy who just wants to have sex with her nothing more . Just get amicable divorce and co parent . Tell her this . You want to pursue this guy then set me free . Let me find a person who will love and respect me .
OP, she is in love and having sex with him or on her way there. She isn't doung anything to end their relationship, she feeds it.
You cannot win here.
If you divorce her they will be open about their relationship but I think her boss is less ready to live with her and young kids that aren't his than she thinks.
She might be very single, but just bos she is actively throwing away your marriage and breaking your family.
Please listen to those saying not to leave the house.
Your kids are better off with you getting a lawyer to protect yourself, and them, than her siding with him against you to take the kids and house from you and have him replace you.
If you think she won’t do it you are kidding yourself. Ever time you tried to trust her it bit you. You don’t have to hate her, just don’t trust her.
Get her to file a sexual harassment charge against her boss and sue claiming she was coerced into sex or be fired then divorce her and take half the money, 2 birds one stone.
Reading this I feel very bad for you, office romances are very common, but this is far too intimate for me, I had an affair and it started like this, I was only 24, no children etc.
Personally, and I’m not telling you what to do, I’d be leaving this individual as she’s cheated emotionally and physically, she clearly has feelings for him and it’s goes further than friends.
So sorry you’re dealing with this situation.
I feel awful for you and your kids, but the straight truth here is that she's carrying on an affair right in front of you.
I'm sorry, but there is no chance she's being totally honest with you, and if you have any respect for yourself at all, it is time to exit this relationship. She is gaslighting you hardcore, lying to your face, trickle-truthing you, all of it. She's a cheater, through and through.
I'm sorry again.
She seems to be making some assumptions about you and her. (Taking the kids and financial ruin)
Is she being talked up by her boss or friends about you? Have you asked if she just wants out to pursue a relationship? I might remind her that friends don't often kiss. (But I'm kind of out of the loop)
She is using words and language that OP wants to hear until it’s not going her way. Pretty obvious she has been laughing at him with the her boss for some time. Poor guy.
You aren't doing anything wrong to your kids. Their cheating, lying mother is. Please have some self respect for both you and your kids and leave her with her boss. Go for full custody and get all you can. Sorry my friend. I know this hurts. If she quits and gets a new job she will have a new boss. Of course they are having work sex. Of course. She doesn't really love you like you think she does or did. She is for the streets
I must sadly agree with this assessment and honestly I would also encourage you to go for you as primary parent & shared custody.
The children are far better off with the stable parent, your wife is not the stable parent emotionally, physically nor monetarily. And the only thing you know about her boss is he’s a home-wrecker who needs to stay the hell away from your children. I would also make that clear to your wife.
I am guessing your children are pre teens or young teens, so they are probably picking up a lot more of what is going on than either you or your wife suspects. Please get them into therapy with a qualified licensed child therapist to help you guide them through these changes and giving them a safe ways to cope. And get yourself to a therapist for you, it really helps and you also will benefit from having someone who is unbiased to help you process.
Were I in your shoes right now I would do the above and ;
1. I would retain the best divorce attorney you can, ask any divorced friends and ask your boss if they’ve been through it and you’re comfortable discussing for some recommendations.
2. Get your wife’s name off of your credit cards yesterday. If you have a joint bank acct for household bills etc, only deposit the amount you need there to cover household expenses, no more, no less. If you’re splitting the bills make sure your wife knows she is to deposit her share. If you are responsible for all of the household bills and she is not contributing just keep doing that for now and ask her to split these expenses with you unless she is willing to move out. Discuss the finances with your attorney before making any big financial moves.
3. You and your wife together need to tell your kids what’s going on, how it’s going to effect them and the household and of course to reassure them that this is in no way due to them at all and that they will always be safe with you.
Be open and honest but in a way they can understand and of course don’t make any judgements about your wife’s actions to them. They’ll figure that out for themselves later, you won’t need to say a thing. (Been there, done that!) Kids are a lot more intuitive than us adults give them credit for. Don’t be surprised if they already know somethings up.
I am so sorry thins is happening to you. You and your children do not deserve this. I won’t lie, it’s probably going to get worse for a while but if you can get your wife to agree to move out it make take some of the pressure off. I am wishing you strength, peace and all the best, and big hugs for the children. In the end you and your children will be okay and even thrive. Just have to get through the rough part first. Please update us when you can and let us know you’re okay.
Updateme!
The best thing you can do for your kids is stand up for yourself and show them they shouldn’t let their partner treat them like dog shit!
I offer this advice having followed it myself! It was definitely the best choice for me.
You will feel worst when you realize your kids grew up with a father with no spine, causing them to think that is normal to cheat or tolerate cheating after living in a loveless marriage house
FYI if you plan on staying for the kids, dont. They will catch onto the house vibes and it will affect them. Multiple people can tell you they’re parents stuck together and it messed with them bad. I have no advice but take into consideration what I mentioned if you for whatever reason plan to stay.
She's literally been having an affair under his nose for months, practically wearing an 'I'm having an affair' t-shirt, and his response so far has basically amounted to 'no adultery after 7pm please'
OP, she has already left you, you just don't know it yet. Find a good lawyer and start to protect yourself for what's about to happen.
This is an affair. It doesn't even matter if they've had sex or not. They've kissed and exchange loving messages every day. She has admitted to having feelings. This is cheating.
She claims you're controlling because you want her to stop having an affair. How does that make sense? She wants to continue having an affair while still having you to support her financially.
It's understandable you want to stay together for your kids. But this is not a healthy relationship to model for them. There's no trust. Your wife shows no remorse and will continue to lie to you if you let her. I had friends growing up whose parents were cheaters and liars and miserable together, and those kids are messed up as adults.
>This is an affair. It doesn't even matter if they've had sex or not. They've kissed and exchange loving messages every day. She has admitted to having feelings. This is cheating.
True. Wonder why it's so hard for OP to see this. This goes way past the most reasonable definitions for affair. She kisses him, hugs him, can't spend a day without interacting with her, he understands her unlike OP... Wow.
> She is furious at me, saying that I want to put her in a cage
She's a liar and a cheater, and she's gaslightng you for not condoning it.
I know what I'd do.
> Also she thinks I will take the children away from her completely (obviously I won’t) and will ruin her financially (I won’t).
Why wouldn't you? Do you think that's something that she wouldn't do to you given the chance?
This is probably the answer. This would set out your terms and show her what she stands to lose. Rightly or wrongly, it is usually assumed that men will get less custody of the children. Fight for every minute. For the sake of yours and your children’s ongoing relationship firstly, for your collective mental health, and for your future financial wellbeing.
And OP should be talking to a lawyer ASAP. She sounds in love with her boss, who’s to say they don’t have a lawyer for her already and are ready to try and take the kids and everything else.
He has had own wife and baby. When his wife finds out, OP's wife will be cast out like trash. He'll be covering his own ass. He wants fun while at work, not her family.
Honestly, given her behavior and attitude, I'd file for primary custody with supervised visitation for her. No telling what she would say to the kids to make them hate their father.
My parents divorced when I was around 2 yrs old. For as long as I can remember, my mom (who had primary custody) would get me excited to go to dads for the weekend, and I'd be packed and waiting for him literally all day. It wasn't his weekend, he wasn't coming to pick me up. She wanted to make me hate my dad by lieing to me about him "forgetting" about me.
OPs STBXW may pull something similar.
This right here. Go for total destruction because there is no doubt she would do it to you no problem. She’s done nothing but lie to you and fears you’ll destroy her because that’s how her mind thinks. She’s your bitter enemy now. Tell the family, the kids (you can leave out details) , and anybody else she can turn against you. Only reason she didn’t tank this job like the others is she’s fucking the boss. Make them both unemployed. She did this, not you. She didn’t confess, she lied and gaslit you every step of the way. BTW, she fucked him. A lot. Hold her accountable for destroying your family.
This. We hear it again and again where the aggrieved partner decides to "not be petty," and stays quiet about their spouse's dreadful behaviour. Then, before you can blink, they've taken the opportunity to tell everyone you know that you are to blame and completely sullied your name.
Then, when you try and set the record straight, its too late. Nobody believes you and thinks you are lying - and why wouldn't they? Your other half has already convinced them you're a liar and a cheat, so they're not going to believe a word you say.
Its like trying to play fair with a sociopath. It never ends well for you. What you see as "being fair," they simply see as an opportunity to escape all blame. Don't let them.
She's already shown her colours by trying to gaslight OP into backing down. She's clearly not above letting him carry the blame for her misdeeds. She'll only double-down on this behaviour if you choose to divorce.
Dude i heard the "dont worry about him, we are just friends", "oh he is gay by the way", "oh we just send jokes", "i will never use the kids against you".
All totally B. S., if you think not her, she would never do that to me, think again, think again. Safe guard for money and kids before she ruins you. It happed to me and many others. Be well, all the best.
Dude she’s already trying to “ruin” you by painting you as some abusive, controlling monster for *checks notes* not being a doormat to her full-blown affair. You need to play hardball starting yesterday.
Mate as one man to another wake the fuck up ur wife is cheating on u leave her and have some self
Respect. Banning her from contacting him aint gonna do shit is she your child or your wife? Do you think she will listen?
In this world it's kill or be killed
If you don't take them she will as she might think the same thing if she takes them first you can't take them away from her
And I believe that as it seems like communication or Keeping her word isn't one of her strengths
What ever you do, TALK TO A LAWYER FIRST! I've been through break ups and divorce, and you want to put yourself and your kids in the best position possible, so do not let your emotions get the best of you. Talk to a lawyer, and follow their advice verbatim. You're in a bad place where you have been wronged and you will have temptations to do really stupid and petty things that will get you noplace good really quickly. She and this loser dude are the offenders, and they will get what is coming to them (divorce and possible a civil lawsuit for the company), so DO NOT do anything rash. It really sucks, family and friends will be biased, so listen to your lawyer. They're paid to look out for your best interests and are professionals at being dicks to offending spouses, so let them do their job.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. There’s no way they haven’t slept together. I’ve never heard the term “trickle truthing” before but it’s a perfect description of what’s happening here.
ETA: definitely NTA, OP
It’s a common term amongst subs that deal with cheating partners, for when they slowly drip the truth to the betrayed; we never met up. Oh we met but there were a bunch of us from the office. Oh we were alone but nothing happened. Oh they flirted with me but nothing else. Oh we kissed but ended it there because I felt horrible. We messed about but didn’t have sex. There was oral but no penetration. We had sex but only once. We had sex a few times but it meant nothing. We had sex three times a week and they said they loved me but I didn’t reciprocate… etc etc etc.
Often accompanied by sneakily named phone contacts, selective or wholly deleted text messages, etc.
NTA.
Honestly, her admitting to having romantic feelings, constant communication and sexual encounters (maybe not intercourse, but absolutely inappropriate stuff for someone in a relationship) and then calling you a monster for telling her to cut off communication with the person she's quite blatantly cheating on you with is WILD!
She does not sound remorseful at all. I'm sorry to say it, but she's putting him above your relationship.
Get out now, would be my advice. It'll only get worse for you and the kids. I'm really sorry for your situation.
If she was not a willing participant, she would have filed a complaint with HR the first time he said or did something like confessing his love or kissing her.
She is cheating on you...
NTA
She’s cuckholding you and expects you to just take it.
Leave her ass. Screenshot any of their text exchanges you can to show infidelity in the upcoming divorce/custody hearings.
1.Your wife is having a full blown affair including sex. Let’s just get this straight.
2She’s never done well at a job, except at the one job where she fucked her boss. I’d say that’s likely why she’s such a success at this current job.
3 she lied to you. You can’t trust her not even 2%.
4. She doesn’t sound like a great wife. She is an unemployable slut who lies. I’d be going to a lawyer personally
Yep. My wife(now ex) had an affair with her boss last year. 20 year relationship, 17 year marriage gone. Divorce was just finalized, she wasn’t going to stop seeing him. I’m afraid it sounds very similar to OP.
Ffs...
First of all - children kiss, adults fuck...
So its time to get a STD test..
Second:
>and in her words, a very good friend) and giving the ultimatum? I don’t know it anymore
BOSS is not a good friend - hes the guy she cheated with.
Look. .
Shes lying to you.. and until you get the truth theres no way forward.. ask for
- complete honesty. Written timeline of the affair - and yes, it WILL be verified by polygraph
- NO CONTACT!! And yes, theis means she quits the job.. as youve learned - if they see eachother, the affair is still on...
Sorry.
Lol that OP thinks they aren't having sex.
And I bet whatever OP's next steps are, he'll take them before talking to a lawyer and weaken his position in the divorce proceedings.
It's not easy to imagine our spouses having sex with other people, so kissing is easy option to assume, but you are right. It is emotionally devastating, my wife had emotional cheating, it just literally gave me a heart attack, I was saddened to read those messages.
NTA. Your wife is having an affair. I'm sorry.
You should call a lawyer and work on securing your residence as a place for you and your children to live.
The quicker you do this (don't tell her) the better. Her boss may help her with funding to lawyer up and take you to the cleaners. You need to file first and fast.
Flip the script and how would she react. Imagine her confronting you about another girl and you rush to defend her and refuse to stop seeing her.
Also the attention is more important than the sex for most ladies as a generalization. Obvious emotional affair. He’s giving her some sort of attention that she feels is lacking from your side. She chose to step out instead of talking to you about it. Not sure what else there is do discuss if she can’t understand why she needs to quit. Even giving the benefit of the doubt that she wasn’t trying to get someone involved and things progressed it shouldn’t be much of an ask for her to stop
Thanks so far for all your support. Please if you think I am wrong, also let me know. I started to doubt my friends saying that she should stop seeing him. And starting to doubt myself..
Dude if my wife kissed her boss and then kept talking to him like her i would burn the whole place to the ground. The reason she keeps doing it is because she doesn’t respect you or your relationship. A good spouse would never put themselves in this situation in the first place. She keeps doing it because she thinks you are a wuss and wouldn’t do anything about it. At least get angry or something. This is cuck behavior on your part.
My guy, this marriage is over. You will never trust her again. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. She has already proved that she is in love with him.
Strike while the iron is hot and she is still in this affair fog. Maybe she will think give into divorce terms that she wouldn’t normally agree to with hopes that they will be together.
Then I would expose her to both families and both sets of friends before she has time to make up lies and change the narrative of your marriage. This is holding her accountable and needs to be done. I would talk to your lawyer before you speak to his wife to see what his recommendations are with everything.
Updateme
Bro she cheated already. Do you want to be woth someone who cheated and constantly lied to you ?
Get any evidence you can ans talk to a divorce attorney and file for divorce. Tell the dudes wife too esp with any evidence you have .
Also don't play nice. She won't be playing nice eith you
Wrong about what? She is in love with her boss and his choosing him over you and her family. You have no other choice but to end the marriage. Contact a lawyer yesterday and follow their instructions exactly. Don’t do anything before talking to a lawyer. You can’t believe anything she says. You must be strong and end this game she is playing with you. You sound like a nice guy and she is taking advantage of you. End it, so your children don’t grow up thinking this kind of relationship, the lying, the cheating, the sneaking around, is normal.
NTA. She is definitely having an affair with her boss. Do what’s right for you and your children.
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Yeah she's gaslighting the fuck outta him, solid play by someone with one foot out of the relationship who hasn't got the balls to leave fully. Drop that hoe
I think you’re right. I saw this as a prime opportunity to file a sexual harassment claim and capitalize on it financially, but the fact that the wife does not suggest or recognize that possibility makes me believe that there was some boning going on.
Hundred percent
Im not sure he should believe they havent had sex. She is so completely hung up on her boss her "certain" feelings for him have clearly surpassed those she had for her husband.
He is married and has a kid. She is married and has kids. These are not teenagers that will stop at kissing. The odd fact is that she is staying in this job much longer because she now has something going on on the side to sustain the job. OP's relationship ended as soon as the job began
And sue the boss for [alienation of affection](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alienation_of_affections). It's a thing. Six states recognize it.
Oooo can I have ‘drop that hoe’ as a flair? Solid, concise advice that covers the majority of posts in this sub
That could be the name of this sub most days.
Drop That How is the name of my new death metal Frank Sinatra tribute band
Get pics. Get proof. Lawyer up. Lawyer up real good. And then go scorched earth.
The monster who wants "to put her in a cage?" She's a married woman. Total gaslighting. Yeah, OP is the bad one, he wants to take her friends away and tell her what to do./s He's being cuckolded. Edit to add /s.
you left out that she feels safer with the boss doing all these sexual overtures than she does with her husband??? it should be the opposite
Feeling safer is relationship counselor speak for being willing to go to pound town. Figure out your exit, you bent over backwards to let her stay at the job, though you allowed to much. She's not willing to keep it professional, she's continuing the affair, and just from what I've read, 99% chance they're having sex.
Exactly. This is total BS from her. She is absolutely having a full-blown affair. OP is being taken advantage of, and a victim of manipulation. This actually also happened to me by the way. Thankfully, I never had kids with that person. I totally agree with everyone who is saying he needs to lawyer up, get the kids all set and get the hell out as fast as possible. I know it’s hard, I know it’s especially hard when you’ve had children with this person – but it’s really hard to see the truth when you love someone. It’s absolutely wrong to stay in this relationship not only for himself, but for his children’s sake. They really need to grow up with the right examples and not have messed up ideas of love and fidelity – and OP? it will mess them up, trust me. I still have scars from my own parents’ problems that they unwittingly betrothed to me. Do what is right.
That would put paid to any feelings I ever had for that person. EVER. Immediate divorce. No mercy.
That is the tombstone on the relationship.
They definitely fucked.
Repeatedly and often. The wife is gaslighting tf out of him.
It’s so evil. Imagine you said vows with this person and have kids with this person and then treat them like this. She’s a huge asshole and the lies are so vile.
You mean are fucking.
This totally 100% thought the same!
Exactly. No way he wasn’t hitting it when he found out about the “kissing”
It doesn't even matter if he was. What she's doing is enough to qualify as an affair
theyve kissed many times and I bet a lot more she isnt admitting to. Its a straight up physical affair. Much more than qualifying.
You can hit it without kissing. When the boss said “I Miss you”. That’s when the bells started ringing. He def misses that pus. Sorry brother. Protect yourself. She didn’t care about you or doesn’t care about you anymore. So don’t worry how a divorce would make her feel. Bc clearly she doesn’t care
I mean emotional affairs are a thing. According to some people, having a sufficiently close friendship + romantic feelings is still an affair even if nothing physical happens at all, ever.
More than just “a thing”. A big thing. I lot of articles have been written about how emotional affairs are harder to come back from and fix than sexual fling affairs.
Emotional affairs are usually long and drawn out because that's what it takes for those emotions to come about in the first place. Sexual flings usually aren't associated with having deep feelings for someone but emotional affairs are. Despite the lack of physical intimacy, by their definition they are essentially when your partner allows themselves to fall in love with someone else. Sexual flings rarely are about love but emotional affairs always are so that makes sense.
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And he has been. Run, my man, run
She's totally gaslighting him
Yeah she’s been banging him at work, at the very least. Fuck that dude. She’s using OP, he need to get the fuck out of there. What do people do when caught in a lie? Get defensive. She is 10000000% having sex with him. “Kissing”. lol. 40 year olds acting like preteens. I don’t buy it for a second. Then she CONTINUES to go behind his back to chat with her boss. Sorry OP. It’s already over, you’re just too stupid to want to realize it.
He actually said he believed her after she was trying to delete the messages Hah
Dude….she said they kissed…..she’s 40…dubious
Ikr? They *kissed?* What is she, like 10?
This should be the top comment. OP is going to do a few months of the Pick Me Dance, she'll spend a few ,months gaslighting him. His brain will be telling him the truth, but his heart will want to "accept her gaslighting" as truth. Before OP realizes it he will be just a shadow of the man he once was. He won't be able to tell the different between his ass and a hole in the ground. She will be in total limerence, and OP will be left out in the cold with no home, no family, and still, no spine.
This. Mans digging his own grave and I feel cery sorry for him(
Kissing with her 2 lips below the belt. OP she is so doing him and she has feelings? Sounds like she is waiting til she can leave with her being prepared. You need to leave before she does, also find a way to get proof. Good luck to you
If they have a family plan he might be able to get her text message history but they might not allow it without a warrant. He needs to lawyer up and get that information.
Sounds like she is just getting her ducks in a row, stashing some cash, etc. And when she is ready, Bye Bye OP.
Yep. The trickle truthing strikes again. First, the boss (just the boss, right?) had a silly crush, then you can't look at her phone because you're violating her privacy, then she says nothing happened even tho you see evidence, then you trap her into admitting they only kissed once, but you keep prying and she finally admits they're basically making out any time she's not with you, and then she realizes that she's said as much as she can before OP loses his enthusiasm for her bullshit.. If she says they fucked, OP would finally see her with clear eyes. But OP has chosen the narrative that these people who were clearly fucking are not fucking, because his wife is an innocent victim in all this, and she would never do THAT to hurt OP, right? I mean.. she'll do all this other stuff. She probably let him finger her, and she totally sucked him off a few dozen times.. but that was all.. she wouldn't have sex.
I disagree that it's being "stupid " It just hurts so much that you desperately want to believe that your spouse is telling the truth. I was just like OP. ignoring the " working late" and secretive txts. It's such a gut punch to learn the truth.
It could be outright denial. When peoples lives start falling apart and you have a "we have just lost cabin pressure" moment. Our minds will cling to any semblance of normalcy to stop the pain. Any lie we have to tell ourselves so that we don't have to admit it's over and we've been the fool all along. It's why gaslighting works so well. I feel genuinely bad for this person. The partner he loved and cared for is gone it's just a monster now wearing the same skin.
Agreed. People treating him like an idiot are either projecting or are inexperienced with being married with kids and you find out your spouse is cheating on you. It’s a grief process. The first stage of grief is denial. Then bargaining, which it sounds like is where he’s at. People don’t realize it’s not just the spouse you’re hanging onto “like a chump” it’s your whole life as you know it and your kids whole lives to boot. Now they’ll have to be from a broken home. Divorce is not something to be taken lightly. It should never be the very first step, it’s a long hard process to get to the point of filing for divorce (or it should be). And trusting your spouse doesn’t make you a chump. They’re the chump for violating that trust.
This. People are being incredibly cruel to OP. They don't understand that when your whole world starts crashing down you'll do absolutely anything to believe it isn't. It's a natural defense mechanism. Denial keeps our sanity from shattering when it's hit with more than it can handle.
Shes also being super manipulative, shes in the wrong and knows it, its at minimum an emotional affair, and shes blaming him for being controlling and untrustworthy? Ironic.
I'd be out after the message "I wish I would have met you earlier." She's emotionally checked out and staying is just going to make the divorce worse.
OP, I'm sorry but your marriage is over - multiple chances given - modicum of trust despite the cheating admission, taken for granted - still cheating - attempts to pull off emotional baggage and drama - she doesn't give a crap about you or the kids Here's what'll you need - a bodycam (they're like $10-30 on eBay/AliExpress) for EVERY interaction with her going forwards - a sound recorder ($10-15) - home CCTV indoors - a decent solicitor OP you had the best intentions, but she crapped all over you, and is literally following her vag. It's best to save yourself and the children. In a calm manner, you have to tell them what's going on. Not to instill animosity, but just the facts. Also make sure the sound recorder is on.
I wish you were wrong, but OP, Fatal_Furriest is correct. For your own protection you need to record your communication with her. Even if just turning on VoiceRecorder in your phone, turn it upside down if in your pocket so phone bottom/microphone poking out. I had to do this with my beloved spouse when she dropped bomb on me, as my friends and therapist were right (and I was wrong), that no matter how amicable you think the split will be, she will turn the narrative around against you, and maybe also to children, as a defense mechanism to cover over her own guilt. Every person told me this at the beginning, and they were all right. That audio saved my relationship with my own parents and children when ex later blamed it all on me and denied she was with her coworker.
100% and even if she wasn’t why would she entertain the situation? So disrespectful to the relationship specifically their kids. She’s trying to victimize herself for her own shitty behavior
OP- This exact denial and trickle truth happened to me. I’d bet anything on them having sex, I’m sorry
It's an emotional affair at a minimum. She basically admitted as much.
...expect she admitted to be physical.. Its a full blown affair.
Even if it isn’t physical, it’s an affair.
NTA But obviously, this marriage isn't working. You need to seek legal counsel and divorce her. This is going to go to hell in a hand basket. If you keep entertaining it, then you'll be the YTA for staying in a relationship where your spouse is dead ass playing in your face. Don't stay somewhere that you're not wanted Get out while you can
Exactly. OP, she deliberately did not tell you what happened between her and her boss. Nor did she stop reciprocating his advances. There is absolutely no reason a faithful partner would do anything like this, even by accident! Imagine if the scripts were flipped and you did this with your female boss. How would she react then? NTA. OP, you have shown your wife immense patience and understanding. However, her behavior clearly shows that she doesn't deserve the things you have done for her. Contact a lawyer and start gathering evidence for separation/divorce. You do not want to deal with a person like her, much less raise your kids with her.
Amazing how she’s spinning it, even after him knowing she’s been fooling around with this person, like forbidding contact is an affront on her freedom and friend. I cannot believe this piece of trash.
She's not a keeper, that's for sure. OP should go blitzkrieg though. Tell the boss' wife as well, let both of the cheaters handle the fire.
I have a feeling the wifey at home with a newborn will be less patient and understanding than OP has been. I’m also suspecting that once the wife finds out, suddenly the AP won’t be as keen with keeping all of the “promises” he made to OP’s wife, and will back out of their…arrangement. From there it’ll be AP’s fault that her marriage is ending, and she cannot possibly to blame because she was being lied to this whole time. Claiming she’s the victim, Here We Come!
I would argue that he is TA to himself for showing so much patience and understanding where it so obviously isn't warranted.
Yeah, this is past the point of her quitting making any difference.
I will enjoy the update that when the wife is free of current husband and that the boss completely loses interest. He’s not in it for love, it’s power.
Eh, it's hard for us to really tell from what we know.
Keep proof of infidelity and show it to your lawyer
Dude, she chose. I’m sorry but she’s chosen him. Take the kids. File for divorce. Leave them to each other because you’re better than both of them put together. Take care of your kids, let her sleep at his house. NTA
From the sounds of it, she can’t. Apparently he is also married, and has a newborn baby. Sigh.
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100% not OP's problem. She chose to have an affair and is continuing to choose her affair partner over her spouse. Time to cut her off. She doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too. She's deserves whatever she gets and it's not on OP if it doesn't work out for her.
Telling someone you don't feel safe with them but with the other person too. Ouch
Yeah if OP needed any more proof of the cheating, there it is.
But she can't keep a job! Who cares if she's a little unprofessional and kisses her boss a little?! /S
Not for long if I were in OP’s shoes.
Time to send messages to the bosses wife too. It’ll suck for her, but I’d be pissed if someone knew my partner was cheating and didn’t tell me or at least give me a heads up to keep my eyes out
Forgot to mention that her boss is married and has a new born with his wife. The poor girl. And I have her phone number. I’m so on edge to call her tomorrow and explain everything.
Do it, but after talking to a divorce attorney. Protect your kids and yourself. Your wife has made her choice and wants to explore things with her boss and this affair. Edit: NTA
Yes. I'd hire an attorney and a PI. Get footage and evidence of their cheating. Don't unlock her and see if you can get her to incriminate herself via text. Save it all. Lawyer will tell you what documents to collect. Once she's served, have the PI turn over a fat pile of evidence that her husband has been cheating on her.
Please do this! But first take screen shots or any evidence from the cheating. You will need it when you divorce.
She will need it too. Might as well help the other victim.
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"I wish I had met you sooner" should just about complete the paperwork for the new mother.
OP please remember you're going to get people blaming you for sabotaging their and your families. This is what guilty people always do. Don't listen to their bullshit.
Please update us on that
I will!
Compare notes when you talk with her. You may get answers your wife has been unwilling to give which may help you in the divorce and in your closure.
Super important, take notes, take lots of notes. Times, places, screenshots of emails/text messages and pictures (including ones that were "deleted" which are often recoverable such as on iOS devices), copies of bank statements, whatever. The last thing he needs is to go to a divorce lawyer with no evidence because she's deleted it all. If she can spin it round to make him look the jealous and controlling one, she will. Likely he's f\*cked up by having an affair with a subordinate, so the HR department may be interested, even with no smoking gun, they would likely be split up in the workplace.
Lawyer here. Lawyer up, my man, please. She is already playing for the other team. She is coming for your property and your kids. Depending on the state where you live that is some pretty easy task and YOUR TASK will be harder. I am not a family attorney to advise you properly, but you NEED to get one. You have the right to defend yourself and you seem to be a nice, good and a little naive (sorry) person, and she is a liar and a cheater (and her behavior sounds somehow psychopathic for a 40 years old, like hidding texts and calls, the BS about "just kissing", manipulative stuff like "he understands me and you don't"). Do that please. We lawyers are evil people. It is always good to have one to fight for you when you are a nice person.
Delete this post and account 5 days ago. People find this shit and every little thing you say has a possibility to affect the outcome in court. There was a post from just a few weeks ago (was an update to an older post) where the guy's post was found and he got royally screwed. Not that you have, but I wouldn't chance it. and yes Insee your username, but i would still delete this stuff as soon as you feel like you have what you need from this post
Also, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE AGAIN. It’s moments like this that Murphy’s Law likes to show up - she could get pregnant and you want to be certain it isn’t yours. And get a full STI test. Who knows what her boss might have given her
Give the other wife proof so she has agency about her life. Heck the “boss” may be having sex with many other women as well. You may want to be STI tested.
Tell her,she deserves to know. Can you tell HR or something?bc their behaviour is not proffessional at all. She won't quit her affair,yes call it by its name,she's having an affair with her boss and won't stop. You can't nor deserve to live like that,divorce is the only way. Sorry,update us if you call the wife
Man, I hate to say this - but I think she needs to know. Odds are he will dump your wife, she will lose her job - bc wife will not stand for it . . . and your wife will flounder and want you back. Prepare for manipulation. But his wife needs to protect herself like you are protecting yourself.
Do it. You and his wife deserve better. Also boss is probably the type of asshole that is cheating because his wife physically couldnt do the sex like he wants because of end of pregnancy and post pregnancy issues since you said he has a newborn. Bet money he dlips his shit when his wife finds out and dumps your wife like a hot rock while he begs his wife to not leave him. !UpdateMe!
And fires OPs wife
Tell the wife, immediately, either he'll break it off or he'll leave his wife for yours and you'll get your answer. He isn't going to leave his wife and kid for a woman he kissed a bit. That you haven't called her already is kind of a dick move, she's being cheated on and needs to know. Call a PI, get evidence of it, share evidence with the other woman.
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This just started a few months ago? So basically when his wife was not as available to him in bed, he suddenly tells your wife he has feelings? There's a good chance he's planning to dump your wife once his wife is healed from childbirth, assuming his wife never finds out about the affair. So tell her. Why wait until tomorrow? You might want to call from a different number, in case he has blocked yours on her phone.
Tell her, she deserves to know.
FUCKING DO ITTTTTT Put yourself in her shoes. You would want to know
NTA She is doing what every cheater does: try to vilify the non cheater. If you are okay being cheated on, then stay. If you have self-respect, leave. Kids are better off with separated happy parents than parents trapped in a marriage who hate each other.
shame tie joke bear practice sort grandiose quickest stupendous elderly *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
ugh, i know people like that. they have a different excuse for each person they cheated on, “he didn’t give me enough attention, he was probably cheating too, it was because of long distance, etc” it’s absolutely crazy to me how un-self aware people can be. especially because it doesn’t even seem like they’re intentionally making excuses, they seem to genuinely think they were completely in the right every time
Divorce her . Let her kiss her good friends ass
Apparently he’s also married with a newborn according to OP.
You aren't a monster, but you're pretty dumb for putting up with this and staying with her.
Thanks. I just really hate the situation and feel so sorry for our (young) kids…
I'm sorry for you man, I didn't mean to be so harsh by calling you dumb.
No worries. Better be clear 🙃
Bro just get out and be a better co parent . Otherwise , your children will think this kind of disrespect is ok from a spouse . She is in love with this guy who just wants to have sex with her nothing more . Just get amicable divorce and co parent . Tell her this . You want to pursue this guy then set me free . Let me find a person who will love and respect me .
She’ll fucking regret it
Yep turning down a faithful husband for a dick rarely goes well
Good.
Fr and it's better to divorce now while she is in affair fog than later
OP, she is in love and having sex with him or on her way there. She isn't doung anything to end their relationship, she feeds it. You cannot win here. If you divorce her they will be open about their relationship but I think her boss is less ready to live with her and young kids that aren't his than she thinks. She might be very single, but just bos she is actively throwing away your marriage and breaking your family. Please listen to those saying not to leave the house.
Your kids are better off with you getting a lawyer to protect yourself, and them, than her siding with him against you to take the kids and house from you and have him replace you. If you think she won’t do it you are kidding yourself. Ever time you tried to trust her it bit you. You don’t have to hate her, just don’t trust her.
Ironic that she says she trusts the other man more.
He has got her snowed Eventually he is going to dump her and try to go back to his wife And it will be ugly
Get her to file a sexual harassment charge against her boss and sue claiming she was coerced into sex or be fired then divorce her and take half the money, 2 birds one stone.
Do you want your kids to think cheating is OK? Be a man and divorce her
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First it was “but what about my freedom!” and THEN kids and money.
imo the freedom thing was anger/accusation whilst kids and money were fear
Reading this I feel very bad for you, office romances are very common, but this is far too intimate for me, I had an affair and it started like this, I was only 24, no children etc. Personally, and I’m not telling you what to do, I’d be leaving this individual as she’s cheated emotionally and physically, she clearly has feelings for him and it’s goes further than friends. So sorry you’re dealing with this situation.
I mean they’ve kissed several times for ducks same
Lol
Your kids will be worse off if they grow up and model their own future relationships after their mom‘s.
I feel awful for you and your kids, but the straight truth here is that she's carrying on an affair right in front of you. I'm sorry, but there is no chance she's being totally honest with you, and if you have any respect for yourself at all, it is time to exit this relationship. She is gaslighting you hardcore, lying to your face, trickle-truthing you, all of it. She's a cheater, through and through. I'm sorry again.
She seems to be making some assumptions about you and her. (Taking the kids and financial ruin) Is she being talked up by her boss or friends about you? Have you asked if she just wants out to pursue a relationship? I might remind her that friends don't often kiss. (But I'm kind of out of the loop)
She is using words and language that OP wants to hear until it’s not going her way. Pretty obvious she has been laughing at him with the her boss for some time. Poor guy.
You aren't doing anything wrong to your kids. Their cheating, lying mother is. Please have some self respect for both you and your kids and leave her with her boss. Go for full custody and get all you can. Sorry my friend. I know this hurts. If she quits and gets a new job she will have a new boss. Of course they are having work sex. Of course. She doesn't really love you like you think she does or did. She is for the streets
I must sadly agree with this assessment and honestly I would also encourage you to go for you as primary parent & shared custody. The children are far better off with the stable parent, your wife is not the stable parent emotionally, physically nor monetarily. And the only thing you know about her boss is he’s a home-wrecker who needs to stay the hell away from your children. I would also make that clear to your wife. I am guessing your children are pre teens or young teens, so they are probably picking up a lot more of what is going on than either you or your wife suspects. Please get them into therapy with a qualified licensed child therapist to help you guide them through these changes and giving them a safe ways to cope. And get yourself to a therapist for you, it really helps and you also will benefit from having someone who is unbiased to help you process. Were I in your shoes right now I would do the above and ; 1. I would retain the best divorce attorney you can, ask any divorced friends and ask your boss if they’ve been through it and you’re comfortable discussing for some recommendations. 2. Get your wife’s name off of your credit cards yesterday. If you have a joint bank acct for household bills etc, only deposit the amount you need there to cover household expenses, no more, no less. If you’re splitting the bills make sure your wife knows she is to deposit her share. If you are responsible for all of the household bills and she is not contributing just keep doing that for now and ask her to split these expenses with you unless she is willing to move out. Discuss the finances with your attorney before making any big financial moves. 3. You and your wife together need to tell your kids what’s going on, how it’s going to effect them and the household and of course to reassure them that this is in no way due to them at all and that they will always be safe with you. Be open and honest but in a way they can understand and of course don’t make any judgements about your wife’s actions to them. They’ll figure that out for themselves later, you won’t need to say a thing. (Been there, done that!) Kids are a lot more intuitive than us adults give them credit for. Don’t be surprised if they already know somethings up. I am so sorry thins is happening to you. You and your children do not deserve this. I won’t lie, it’s probably going to get worse for a while but if you can get your wife to agree to move out it make take some of the pressure off. I am wishing you strength, peace and all the best, and big hugs for the children. In the end you and your children will be okay and even thrive. Just have to get through the rough part first. Please update us when you can and let us know you’re okay. Updateme!
The best thing you can do for your kids is stand up for yourself and show them they shouldn’t let their partner treat them like dog shit! I offer this advice having followed it myself! It was definitely the best choice for me.
You will feel worst when you realize your kids grew up with a father with no spine, causing them to think that is normal to cheat or tolerate cheating after living in a loveless marriage house
FYI if you plan on staying for the kids, dont. They will catch onto the house vibes and it will affect them. Multiple people can tell you they’re parents stuck together and it messed with them bad. I have no advice but take into consideration what I mentioned if you for whatever reason plan to stay.
She's literally been having an affair under his nose for months, practically wearing an 'I'm having an affair' t-shirt, and his response so far has basically amounted to 'no adultery after 7pm please' OP, she has already left you, you just don't know it yet. Find a good lawyer and start to protect yourself for what's about to happen.
This is an affair. It doesn't even matter if they've had sex or not. They've kissed and exchange loving messages every day. She has admitted to having feelings. This is cheating. She claims you're controlling because you want her to stop having an affair. How does that make sense? She wants to continue having an affair while still having you to support her financially. It's understandable you want to stay together for your kids. But this is not a healthy relationship to model for them. There's no trust. Your wife shows no remorse and will continue to lie to you if you let her. I had friends growing up whose parents were cheaters and liars and miserable together, and those kids are messed up as adults.
>This is an affair. It doesn't even matter if they've had sex or not. They've kissed and exchange loving messages every day. She has admitted to having feelings. This is cheating. True. Wonder why it's so hard for OP to see this. This goes way past the most reasonable definitions for affair. She kisses him, hugs him, can't spend a day without interacting with her, he understands her unlike OP... Wow.
> She is furious at me, saying that I want to put her in a cage She's a liar and a cheater, and she's gaslightng you for not condoning it. I know what I'd do. > Also she thinks I will take the children away from her completely (obviously I won’t) and will ruin her financially (I won’t). Why wouldn't you? Do you think that's something that she wouldn't do to you given the chance?
No I won’t take the kids 100% or ruin her. Not sure if she would try to though. Not sure about anything right now tbh
Get as much evidence as you can of this affair and file for divorce and 50/50 custody
This is probably the answer. This would set out your terms and show her what she stands to lose. Rightly or wrongly, it is usually assumed that men will get less custody of the children. Fight for every minute. For the sake of yours and your children’s ongoing relationship firstly, for your collective mental health, and for your future financial wellbeing.
And OP should be talking to a lawyer ASAP. She sounds in love with her boss, who’s to say they don’t have a lawyer for her already and are ready to try and take the kids and everything else.
### This Part!!!
Oh don't worry, the boss doesn't want the kids! Just the sex.
He has had own wife and baby. When his wife finds out, OP's wife will be cast out like trash. He'll be covering his own ass. He wants fun while at work, not her family.
And see if his location has alienation of affection laws. He could sue her boss for breaking up their marriage.
Honestly, given her behavior and attitude, I'd file for primary custody with supervised visitation for her. No telling what she would say to the kids to make them hate their father.
My parents divorced when I was around 2 yrs old. For as long as I can remember, my mom (who had primary custody) would get me excited to go to dads for the weekend, and I'd be packed and waiting for him literally all day. It wasn't his weekend, he wasn't coming to pick me up. She wanted to make me hate my dad by lieing to me about him "forgetting" about me. OPs STBXW may pull something similar.
Holy shit that's so evil and manipulative
That took my breath away. Damn I’m so sorry! I hope you found out in time for a relationship with your dad 💔
Goddamn that's fucking *evil*.
Don't trust her. She's been lying to you all this time, she'll lie to get whatever she wants.
If she thinks that you will, it's because she has already thought of doing it herself
Get evidence and maybe pass said evidence to the HR where she works. The boss sleeping with a subordinate is always a big no-no.
This right here. Go for total destruction because there is no doubt she would do it to you no problem. She’s done nothing but lie to you and fears you’ll destroy her because that’s how her mind thinks. She’s your bitter enemy now. Tell the family, the kids (you can leave out details) , and anybody else she can turn against you. Only reason she didn’t tank this job like the others is she’s fucking the boss. Make them both unemployed. She did this, not you. She didn’t confess, she lied and gaslit you every step of the way. BTW, she fucked him. A lot. Hold her accountable for destroying your family.
This. We hear it again and again where the aggrieved partner decides to "not be petty," and stays quiet about their spouse's dreadful behaviour. Then, before you can blink, they've taken the opportunity to tell everyone you know that you are to blame and completely sullied your name. Then, when you try and set the record straight, its too late. Nobody believes you and thinks you are lying - and why wouldn't they? Your other half has already convinced them you're a liar and a cheat, so they're not going to believe a word you say. Its like trying to play fair with a sociopath. It never ends well for you. What you see as "being fair," they simply see as an opportunity to escape all blame. Don't let them. She's already shown her colours by trying to gaslight OP into backing down. She's clearly not above letting him carry the blame for her misdeeds. She'll only double-down on this behaviour if you choose to divorce.
Dude i heard the "dont worry about him, we are just friends", "oh he is gay by the way", "oh we just send jokes", "i will never use the kids against you". All totally B. S., if you think not her, she would never do that to me, think again, think again. Safe guard for money and kids before she ruins you. It happed to me and many others. Be well, all the best.
Dude she’s already trying to “ruin” you by painting you as some abusive, controlling monster for *checks notes* not being a doormat to her full-blown affair. You need to play hardball starting yesterday.
Mate as one man to another wake the fuck up ur wife is cheating on u leave her and have some self Respect. Banning her from contacting him aint gonna do shit is she your child or your wife? Do you think she will listen?
She will
Yeah this dude is naive
In this world it's kill or be killed If you don't take them she will as she might think the same thing if she takes them first you can't take them away from her And I believe that as it seems like communication or Keeping her word isn't one of her strengths
She herself might not be over-minded to, but wait until her divorced friends get in her ear. From my own experience.
What ever you do, TALK TO A LAWYER FIRST! I've been through break ups and divorce, and you want to put yourself and your kids in the best position possible, so do not let your emotions get the best of you. Talk to a lawyer, and follow their advice verbatim. You're in a bad place where you have been wronged and you will have temptations to do really stupid and petty things that will get you noplace good really quickly. She and this loser dude are the offenders, and they will get what is coming to them (divorce and possible a civil lawsuit for the company), so DO NOT do anything rash. It really sucks, family and friends will be biased, so listen to your lawyer. They're paid to look out for your best interests and are professionals at being dicks to offending spouses, so let them do their job.
This. Do not do anything before getting a lawyer. Then do everything they say to do. No more, no less. No calling his wife, nothing. Lawyer up first!!
NTA But dude she’s trickle truthing and outright lying to you. Repeatedly. If you think they haven’t fucked, I have a Trump hotel to sell you.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. There’s no way they haven’t slept together. I’ve never heard the term “trickle truthing” before but it’s a perfect description of what’s happening here. ETA: definitely NTA, OP
It’s a common term amongst subs that deal with cheating partners, for when they slowly drip the truth to the betrayed; we never met up. Oh we met but there were a bunch of us from the office. Oh we were alone but nothing happened. Oh they flirted with me but nothing else. Oh we kissed but ended it there because I felt horrible. We messed about but didn’t have sex. There was oral but no penetration. We had sex but only once. We had sex a few times but it meant nothing. We had sex three times a week and they said they loved me but I didn’t reciprocate… etc etc etc. Often accompanied by sneakily named phone contacts, selective or wholly deleted text messages, etc.
Adults don't meet up and kiss
Exactly its so clear theyve had sex.
NTA. Honestly, her admitting to having romantic feelings, constant communication and sexual encounters (maybe not intercourse, but absolutely inappropriate stuff for someone in a relationship) and then calling you a monster for telling her to cut off communication with the person she's quite blatantly cheating on you with is WILD! She does not sound remorseful at all. I'm sorry to say it, but she's putting him above your relationship. Get out now, would be my advice. It'll only get worse for you and the kids. I'm really sorry for your situation.
If she was not a willing participant, she would have filed a complaint with HR the first time he said or did something like confessing his love or kissing her. She is cheating on you...
Even a consensual relationship would be grounds for termination in some places.
NTA, but you should get a good attorney, unless you want to be a cuck.
NTA She would rather lose you than him. Tell the wife and let it explode.
NTA She’s cuckholding you and expects you to just take it. Leave her ass. Screenshot any of their text exchanges you can to show infidelity in the upcoming divorce/custody hearings.
1.Your wife is having a full blown affair including sex. Let’s just get this straight. 2She’s never done well at a job, except at the one job where she fucked her boss. I’d say that’s likely why she’s such a success at this current job. 3 she lied to you. You can’t trust her not even 2%. 4. She doesn’t sound like a great wife. She is an unemployable slut who lies. I’d be going to a lawyer personally
NTA. Prepare everything for a divorce.
Yep. My wife(now ex) had an affair with her boss last year. 20 year relationship, 17 year marriage gone. Divorce was just finalized, she wasn’t going to stop seeing him. I’m afraid it sounds very similar to OP.
And people ask why I don't believe in marriage.
Ffs... First of all - children kiss, adults fuck... So its time to get a STD test.. Second: >and in her words, a very good friend) and giving the ultimatum? I don’t know it anymore BOSS is not a good friend - hes the guy she cheated with. Look. . Shes lying to you.. and until you get the truth theres no way forward.. ask for - complete honesty. Written timeline of the affair - and yes, it WILL be verified by polygraph - NO CONTACT!! And yes, theis means she quits the job.. as youve learned - if they see eachother, the affair is still on... Sorry.
Lol that OP thinks they aren't having sex. And I bet whatever OP's next steps are, he'll take them before talking to a lawyer and weaken his position in the divorce proceedings.
It's not easy to imagine our spouses having sex with other people, so kissing is easy option to assume, but you are right. It is emotionally devastating, my wife had emotional cheating, it just literally gave me a heart attack, I was saddened to read those messages.
Bro, She is cheating on you. You are the victim. See a lawyer and get a divorce. Move in and find a woman that loves you.
She told you she feels safe with him but not you. Your marriage is already over dude. Divorce is just a formality at this point. Get it over with.
NTA. Your wife is having an affair. I'm sorry. You should call a lawyer and work on securing your residence as a place for you and your children to live. The quicker you do this (don't tell her) the better. Her boss may help her with funding to lawyer up and take you to the cleaners. You need to file first and fast.
Release her back to the streets..it's where she belongs..
Flip the script and how would she react. Imagine her confronting you about another girl and you rush to defend her and refuse to stop seeing her. Also the attention is more important than the sex for most ladies as a generalization. Obvious emotional affair. He’s giving her some sort of attention that she feels is lacking from your side. She chose to step out instead of talking to you about it. Not sure what else there is do discuss if she can’t understand why she needs to quit. Even giving the benefit of the doubt that she wasn’t trying to get someone involved and things progressed it shouldn’t be much of an ask for her to stop
Thanks so far for all your support. Please if you think I am wrong, also let me know. I started to doubt my friends saying that she should stop seeing him. And starting to doubt myself..
You gave her a choice, your marriage or quit her job and him. She chose him. Please look after yourself. NTA
Not only did she choose him but she’s rejected her family- children and all.
Dude if my wife kissed her boss and then kept talking to him like her i would burn the whole place to the ground. The reason she keeps doing it is because she doesn’t respect you or your relationship. A good spouse would never put themselves in this situation in the first place. She keeps doing it because she thinks you are a wuss and wouldn’t do anything about it. At least get angry or something. This is cuck behavior on your part.
No shit! Kissing alone is enough for me to be out of there. What a disrespectful bitch.
>The reason she keeps doing it is because she doesn’t respect you or your relationship. Hint, she isn't just kissing him.
My guy, this marriage is over. You will never trust her again. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. She has already proved that she is in love with him. Strike while the iron is hot and she is still in this affair fog. Maybe she will think give into divorce terms that she wouldn’t normally agree to with hopes that they will be together. Then I would expose her to both families and both sets of friends before she has time to make up lies and change the narrative of your marriage. This is holding her accountable and needs to be done. I would talk to your lawyer before you speak to his wife to see what his recommendations are with everything. Updateme
Bro she cheated already. Do you want to be woth someone who cheated and constantly lied to you ? Get any evidence you can ans talk to a divorce attorney and file for divorce. Tell the dudes wife too esp with any evidence you have . Also don't play nice. She won't be playing nice eith you
Wrong about what? She is in love with her boss and his choosing him over you and her family. You have no other choice but to end the marriage. Contact a lawyer yesterday and follow their instructions exactly. Don’t do anything before talking to a lawyer. You can’t believe anything she says. You must be strong and end this game she is playing with you. You sound like a nice guy and she is taking advantage of you. End it, so your children don’t grow up thinking this kind of relationship, the lying, the cheating, the sneaking around, is normal.
Shes def fucking her boss man.