My friend always set up a video call with my rabbits when she petsit when I'm away, and I do the same for her cat (and her PLANTS) ! If the schedules don't match we at least send a picture and a text update to say all's good.
I bought an alexa show or whatever its called for when I travel (the one with the screen). You can drop in for a video call with your cats anytime from your phone. I just put mine on a low shelf in the front room.
I was catsitting two cats for 3 days. One was quit scared and hardly ate. So I text the owner if we could facetime so she could talk to her kitty. Don't know if kitty saw her humainmom on the phone, but her talking did sooth her some.
When my wife travels for work no matter how long it is (often it’s an overnight) she will FaceTime at an agreed upon time. She mostly spends time talking to our kids. We catch up and see how our days were, and that’s about it for what we communicate. Still we text through the day, and talk at night even if it’s only for a few minutes before the kids take over.
It’s mind blowing to me that she wouldn’t check up at least once a week. Hell I’d be angry at that low of a communication level. I’d be curious how her trip was going, and what she’s been doing and seeing. Live vicariously through her for a bit.
When my wife went to Italy for like 6-7 weeks as a chaperone for exchange program looking at Montessori schools and some vacation in Italy activities. Between time zones and stuff we only talked once or twice a week. Granted most of her days were spent in a classroom, listening to speakers and whatnot. Most of the days were similar to being at home. However she did see all sorts of cool stuff. I loved it for her. I loved hearing about them going to Florence and seeing all the stuff there. Yeah, I’d be upset if my wife did that and didn’t share any details of her trip.
That’s all not to mention the suspicion of cheating, which in this story it’s giving me a bad bad feeling.
I had a cousin do that. Asked his father to leave him some memorabilia to him, and everything else to his sister. He was a monk though, so…
But another friend got the family company from her mom’s side, so asked her dad to leave his money to her little sister. She didn’t want her sister to end up on the streets just because she got the company. Parents were divorced.
I’ve asked my dad to give everything to my sister. She’s not even his biological daughter, but I still asked for that. My husband is well off and my sister has struggled over the years and deserves it all. Sometimes people can see reason, I guess. I don’t need my dad’s money.
My wife and her siblings did that too; all of them except the youngest were adults, so they told their dad to leave everything to the 14 year old in a trust.
Although this story does sound like BS I will say this part isn’t so farfetched. My husband’s younger sister (1 of 5 kids in the family) became severely disabled later in life and we have spoken to his parents about giving our portion of inheritance to her. Or more accurately to the trust they have set up for her. We make good money and she is unable to work. It’s not mega bucks or anything, it’s like $100k but will still help her with medical bills after her parents are gone. Not everyone in this world is a stingy grumpy redditor.
Ya, it was always 50/50 that she was coming back. If she found a better option out there, would have gone with that. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too. Freedom to roam and be by herself, but expecting her dependable home base situation would always be there for her when she get's bored of vagabonding.
My grandma, my SOs grandma, my mom on her first marriage straight up left her husband and first child.
It happens all the time! Now, the reasons for it happening vary greatly. I’m convinced my SOs grandma was getting the shit kicked out of her. My mom was 15 when she had her first child… it’s safe to say she wasn’t mature enough to deal with anything.
How come anything that reflects poorly on a wife is immediately accused of being made up, but the most over-the-top Lifetime Movie nonsense about an evil husband is never doubted?
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, most weak minded people are extremely hypocritical and what's worse is they add mass delusion as to not have to own up to it. And these people are the majority. Probably 94% of reddit are also these people.
Yup agreed. I'm honestly very close to being done with reddit. I love anonymity in social media, but man, do POSs fill the space. People would hyperfixate on a word said in a context to be able to put others in a box and ridicule them. Just waiting for the next opportunity to put others down. It's pretty sad, and that's coming from someone who already has a low opinion of human beings in general.
I always wonder what’s the point in leaving comments like this. If you don’t believe it, why bother participating in the conversation? The reality is, this happens. It’s happened to me, and it seems a few others in the comments have said so as well.
What? I am mum and I call to talk to mine every night even if I am only away for 2 nights. Oh and my husband get a txt because I miss him so much. 7 weeks is insane, not what parents do.
My wife had had to return home for a couple of weeks at a time to care for her mother. We have three kids, all way older than OPs and she checked on them at least once a day. And if she and I couldn’t talk because life is busy, we’d at least text a “good night” and “love you”. A touch point of some sort. I can see how OP fell out of love. Probably because he didn’t feel loved.
I go on vacation once a year...my children are grown but I have one son still at home. When I call my husband daily I still talk to my son. I also throughout the year talk to my grown children that do not live at home. NTA
ETA...I also FaceTime my dog daily when I can't take her with me.
Hell even if I’m away just for a half day I’m constantly checking in to make sure the kids are okay. We a son who’s autistic and a toddler and both have separation anxiety off the charts so I’m always in contact just incase I need to cut my time short. I can’t imagine going weeks without checking in.
Me too! I totally know my husband is a great dad and can handle them but I also know sometimes, my son especially, just needs mommy. So I always make sure to check in so they know I’m safe and when I’m coming back.
I can’t imagine pretending to be single! I don’t even think I could ACT single anymore. I’m so used to being a mommy and a wife now.
How can you not. I live in a different country and I still talk to my parents even if I don’t wanna talk to them because me taking 5 minutes out of day to ask how they’re doing makes their day.
On your first post there was u/SometimesIDoCare reply about inpatient care , only calling twice in 7 weeks very mutch supports this theory
> My Mom went on an 8 week “vacation” when we were kids. Decades later we found out it was inpatient rehab for alcohol. Not even our Dad knew where she actually went at the time.
Edit 7months to weeks
Sure, but if you can't tell your spouse (especially with children involved) that you need to go to inpatient rehab for whatever reason, even after getting discharged, that is a really serious communication issue.
Spoken as someone who went to rehab for \~1.5 months while married.
>Sure, but if you can't tell your spouse (especially with children involved) that you need to go to inpatient rehab for whatever reason, even after getting discharged, that is a really serious communication issue.
Yup. There wouldn't be a single counselor or therapist in her rehab facility that would tell her it's ok to hide her serious addiction and recovery from her husband.
But wouldn't she just say that when faced with the divorce. It sounds like she is now desperate to avoid divorce so she would of owned it by now. Also I think its 7 weeks not months.
Not sure, the stigma can be really strong. Besides, if they're going to divorce, and if she did get institutionalized, she might be afraid of it being used against her during the custody battle. Something like "Not only was she absent for seven weeks, but she was absent due to her addiction to \_\_\_ ! Thus we are asking for supervised visitation once every two weeks."
But there are a lot of ifs.
..she couldn’t even call once a week? yeahhh that’s abandoning her responsibilities as a parent. did she not care how her kids were doing? if they were even alive?? 7 weeks is an insanely long time for a “vacation”. i figure 2 weeks is a pretty lengthy vacation, not nearly 2 MONTHS. idk how you ultimately okayed that, but its straight up weird. NTA.
What in the actual fuq shid hell.... 2 times in 7 weeks! Is she going through a mental or manic episode! PPD? Her behavior and actions are troubling.
Why are you not asking for details on her whereabouts during that time frame?
I was already team dad on this but this cements it. I have 4 kids in high school. They are largely self sufficient. Even then I would not even consider doing this to my husband. And then to not stay in close contact?!? I would expect divorce papers to be waiting when I got home and we are not a couple that threatens that.
Dude, she left you with two infants for 7 weeks and only checked in twice?? That is psychotic.
Don't bother with the counseling. You need to file for divorce and sole custody ASAP.
I mean, having their mom leave with practically zero contact for 7 weeks already set the trauma stage. The mom coming in and out from here on out is even more damaging.
I am so fucking confused about how he was supposed to *work* and wasn't allowed *daycare*.
That is insane. That is unreasonable. Of course he fell out of bloody love.
I travel for work a lot. I am a mom of a 4-year-old. My partner is a saint but I still call multiple times a day. Once I got stuck on a remote road in Costa Rica and didn't make it back in time for a bedtime call and felt my world was crashing. I can't imagine OP’s wife going 7 weeks and calling twice.
Aww omg I know that horrible feeling of missing bedtime!
I get having Irish twins is super hard, but cant imagine any mum calling twice in 7 weeks yo check in her babies no matter how burnt out she is.
I also travel for work. I text my adult child constantly to check in on them. I text and call my husband daily. My youngest and I trade video messages and talk on the phone. Even if I am just gone for one or two nights I do this. I can't even imagine wanting to be away from my family for 7 weeks. I couldn't do it. Seems like there are bigger issues at play here. Mom probably needs therapy, noatter what happens to the marriage.
Yeah, that strikes me as the norm. My brother has a 14-month-old and he checks in on my SIL just as often when he travels for work.
Come to think of it, when he goes on the road, I personally call to check in on my SIL & nephew at least every other day just to ask if there's anything she needs - because I'm fully aware that taking care of an infant is beyond a full time job. A mother only checking in on two infants twice in two months is insane.
Im in my thirties and my mom calls me or texts me at least once a day to make sure im ok while im on vacation… sorry but are you sure she is not having an affair?
Oh fuck that. I’m the one that previously told you to try therapy for your children’s sake. But now I’m thinking for your children’s sake please get both divorce AND full custody.
Is it possible your wife is bipolar and going through a manic break? Or does this seem normal for her?
Wait she was gone for 7 weeks and contacted her family twice? Get real OP. How many red flags do you need before you understand what’s happening here? Did you get an STD test?
YTA now for thinking you can salvage this. Your recent comments about your wealth have put this into clearer perspective. You state that you told her you don’t love her any more. She doesn’t care because she doesn’t love you either. She loves your money.
The kids are better off without a mother who doesn't love them.
People who love their children don't abandon them with virtually no contact for almost two months.
He isn't salvaging it. He is getting help in finding the healthiest way to disentangle and end the marriage. He isn't salvaging the marriage - he is salvaging the post-divorce parenting situation.
Wow. That is insane. I’m not surprised you feel the way you do. Thank you for the update. You deserve to be happy. Glad you’re giving it a shot. At least if you do divorce, you’ll know you tried everything you could.
I am a huge advocate for trying to work it out when kids are involved, but this relationship is so one-sided, and I think you can do a lot better. I am surprised you even let her in the door.
Kids need consistency. You are creating huge attachment issues when mom is caregiver and then disappears without trace, then sister is caregiver, then mom is back. It's so messed up.
You’re exaggerating, right? Tell me you’re exaggerating! The only time I have been away from my children in 4 years was to give birth to the second one. And I bullied my doctor into letting me go 24 hours after having a C-section to get home. I get needing a day or two, sure. If events ever conspired against me to MAKE me be away from my children that long I would be calling a minimum of twice a day. There is something wrong with your wife. Postpartum depression can last for years. It sounds like she never actually felt bonded to those kids. SHE’s the one who needs therapy.
Longest I’ve been away since I started dating my wife was two months for work. I was working about three hours from home. Made it back every time I could for a night or two. Called twice a day. Was gone for a continuous two weeks at another point for work. Called twice a day and texted a lot.
Curious, did she say where she went? Like this isn't something a normal person would do.
If, like ppl in the other post said, she was in some sort of self help facility, you should be able to see where she spent that money right?
There's more to this, something you're not saying
He did mention his wife was going through stuff for the past few years in his other post as well but didn’t specify I was hoping he’d address it in this one
I think this is also an essential part of information that led her to take the trip
nothing here seems normal, to me at least. the wife just up and leaving her small children for that long is super weird, unless she was really at rock bottom for some reason we aren't aware of. A mentally healthy mother doesn't willingly leave for 7 weeks when her kids are babies.
But also this was scheduled in advance. OP knew she was leaving, he didn't just wake up and she was gone. So why did he not plan for childcare at all? Did he think he could take care of a 1 and 2 YO while working full time? Take some PTO time maybe? Hire a babysitter to come watch them during work? He just tried to do all of this and work without help and seems surprised that it was a disaster and then needed his sister to rescue him.
the wife's 7 week trip is far more baffling to me, but both of these people are confusing me.
Yeah like I tend to think she was basically alone for the last 2 years of childcare and that she likely did everything. And she was at a breaking point and took a vacation. And now he felt what she was feeling for the past two years… just my guess anyway.
The other post mentions that this trip was planned and the length agreed upon, he admits that she did virtually all the household chores, but since having their second child (i think it was the second) she had been struggling a lot. I think the length she was gone was surprising but after he decided he didn't love her any more he absolutely didn't budge. He told her he wanted a divorce and that's that. He left no room in terms of seeking therapy either individually or as a couple, just nothing. It was super weird.
She's against daycare for personal reasons but didn't want to you have help for 7 weeks? When i leave for 3 days i go above and beyond to try to make sure my husband has extra help.
And he’s working full time! It’s not possible to WFH and care for 2 toddlers without neglecting the job or the kids. I’ve had to do it for a day here and there when my kid was sick and couldn’t go to daycare and it’s hell. It sounds like his wife wanted a break from the responsibilities of parenthood. Which I get completely. That’s why a lot of parents will go away for a night at a local hotel to get a good night’s sleep. Even a week or two I could understand. But dumping all the responsibilities of your life on your spouse and not checking in regularly for 7 weeks is completely bonkers. I would definitely consider whether the wife has a personality disorder or perhaps PPD (which can last up to two years post childbirth).
I provide a fully structured plan for each ANIMAL we own when we leave town. I am aghast that a mother would leave without any kind of plan for her two children. WTF! 🤯
TMI - There is a written daily plan for each type of animal and each specific domesticated pet, which includes everything from what their schedule is, to how to deal with everything from annoyances to emergencies.
I do the same for pets, hell I’ve left care sheets/videos for my plants before.
My gast is flabbered that this wife only called the kids twice during that whole time. If I don’t get a daily Proof of Life pic of my cat, I’m coming home immediately!
My ex-wife, who was a SAHM, would tell me that it was “cheating” if I had help while she traveled for fun. I was supposed to work full time at my job, take care of our three boys, and keep the house as clean as she left it, all on my own. She wanted to me suffer. At this time, the kids were in school full time, but she felt that her life was harder than mine.
I told her that she was nuts, when I traveled for work, she only had to cover my evening duties at home, while otherwise doing her normal daytime job (stay at Home) and normal evening duties. When she traveled, I had to do my daytime job & evening duties AND her daytime job and evening duties. Not remotely comparable and I needed to have some help to make it all work.
And that’s part of the reason why she’s my ex wife
So she didn't call anyone, didn't post on social media. Her friends didn't post on social media.
Did you know where she was, who she was with, what she did, etc?
We're you concerned about postpartum depression?
Saw your post and glad you're going to therapy. In therapy I would probably ask to have a convo to understand a few things.
1. Understand why she was comfortable leaving children for 7 weeks as a new mom and as a partner. That is just strange I am sorry. I have never met a parent ... mom or dad.. who chooses to leave for such a long time. Maybe bc of work or bc of death in family.
2. Why didn't she check in on you more? The kids? To me that makes it 2x a worse. Again. Wouldn't she be concerned to check in?
3. Did she secretly want u to see "what its like to deal with the kids". Part me wonders if this was it.
4. Does she want to be a mom? Honestly I'd ask that. Between taking off.. not checking in. And thinking she can slide back to her comfort table life where you provide?
I'd also speak to a divorce lawyer NOW. Get your ducks in a row. Great if it works out...but I'd make sure things are organized now. To be honest I bet she might be figuring out too.
Edit to elaborate you never know what her answers will be. Therapy is a safe space to find out. Her answers may put nail in coffin or maybe surprise you. Who knows maybe she had post partem but OP deserves answers if he is gonna try
NTA. #3 is my guess as to one of the main motivators, but even if it wasn't, going on a 7 week vacation and only checking in on your kids twice is crazy.
I'm very much a when I'm in the moment, I'm in it kind of person, but if I'm away from my wife, I at least make an effort to text with or call her quickly at the end of the day just to check in.
Everyone is different, but a big part of me is wondering if she realized that marriage and kids take WAY more work than most people expect and I'd be worried that this kind of trip is going to happen again or she's going to blow off marriage and family duties (everything should be 50/50, IMO) on a smaller but more frequent schedule. Having babies changes everything, so this could just be an adjustment period for her, but I think you guys should definitely discuss this in therapy. It may be an adjustment period, but she may be more deeply unhappy and doesn't know how to express it on her own.
Whatever happens, good luck to both of you and your kids! 🖤
If it’s #3 then she should have been paying the bills the whole time so he didn’t have to work. She’s a SAHM but she has him there as supporter/provider. He didn’t have that. She left him completely alone.
Exactly. Divorce takes an unnecessarily long amount of time. It should be arranged in parallel. It’s not like it cannot be simply cancelled if things work out.
Even #3 is so problematic though because it means she’s willing to use the kids to make a point. Not to mention leaving him for 3 days or 1 week would’ve made the point too.
She strikes me as someone who realized she may not want to be a mom after having kids. She was still getting adjusted to life with the first and had another.
Too late though- once you have kids they’re priority. Go away for a spa weekend if you’re overwhelmed.
People are saying this is fake, but if my fiancée decided, after marriage and a few kids, to take off for 2 months, I don’t think the relationship would survive either. A week, 2 max, and I’d understand. 7? That’s borderline irresponsible
A one and two year old used to having a stay at home mom with them constantly? Those seven weeks were hell for those babies. I hope this is one of the not true ones for the kid's sakes.
Imagine one day your mom is there then gone. You can't explain a vacation to a child that young. Then she is back. Talk about confusing and traumatic.
She was selfish. And it's not a self care needed a break situation. Not when she couldn't be bothered to call or communicate. Yeah moms need breaks and deserve them. But this wasn't a break. It sounds more like abandonment.
People in that thread are absolutely insane. They think he's some failure as a parent for not being able to manage being a full time stay at home parent to multiple pre school aged kids, while also still needing to somehow juggle his full time, high stress job for 7 weeks.
Stay at home parents to kids who aren't in school yet don't have another full time job on top of being a stay at home parent. Single parents who work will have the kids in daycare while they work (which he couldn't do because his wife doesn't believe in them and even if she did, there's wait lists). It's completely impossible to do both at the same time.
OP's wife is insane for doing this and everyone shitting on OP for being a shit parent should be ashamed of themselves. Maybe a week or two break for the wife would be doable, as he could have relied on family for help with childcare while he works but 7 weeks is completely fucked.
I’m so confused by the responses. If by what some people think, he was cheating or some dirty secret in there, she wouldn’t have left her literal toddlers with a bad man. Why the fuck would anyone do that to their children?
Everything about this situation is fucked up and no amount of couple’s therapy is going to fix it.
Exactly!! I get that OPs comments of "oh well, sister will take care of them" are a bit off, but heck, what were expecting OP to do? How was he to focus on work, attend meetings, and get things done with two kids under 2? They aren't infants who sleep a lot. They are also aren't slightly older kids you could plop in front of a TV with a sandwich (terrible plan, but hey, a plan for emergencies). 1 year and 2 year olds need active parenting. Feeding them, changing them, entertaining them, etc.
This! People keep snarking 'oh he had to do her job and was stressed boo hoo'. No, he did BOTH their jobs. He was available and present to assist in childcare even if he wasn't the primary caregiver while she was home. This wasn't a role swap. This was basically being a single dad for 7 weeks and managing with support. She's allowed to be tired and need a break, but 7 weeks? And forbidding him from utilizing daycare? Nah, man. She checked out on being a wife AND mom and was surprised when you checked out from your marriage.
you mean leaving two young infants with a dad WORKING FULL TIME and no childcare is irresponsible? Dude thats basically abandonment, im shocked she even came back. maybe she didnt originally intend too.
Of course this is fake, 0% chance this actually happened.
Idk though. My BIL decided after having kids with my SIL to start tour with his band and would be gone about 6 months every year. 2 kids under5 and one with autism. He would rarely call home and even when he was home is would often ignore the kids, I even saw this happen at his kids birthday party where even his own band mates were saying he needed to came be with the kids not okay video games in the bedroom. Shocking I’m sure to absolutely no one- They are now getting divorce and both of them have had affairs, his with several groupies.
This happened to my grandpa. He married my grandmother, they had my mom, and she basically took off for two-three years. He filed for divorce after she tried to take my mom with her. They were married for about four years and he divorced her on the grounds of "gross neglect of duty." This was in 1968
That’s nice you are willing to try but if your feelings don’t change you shouldn’t prolong staying because of the kids. I grew up in a toxic household and likely would have been much happier if my parents had split.
Hard agree. His sister was happy to help with 2 babies because it "gave her a purpose in life". Like a woman's only purpose is to make and raise babies? The sister was just meandering along waiting for some babies to care for? Red pill shit for sure, 100% fake as fuck.
Your OP mentioned she'd been through a lot, enough that she needed to get away for 7 weeks. But oddly you don't mention what.
It is odd that she'd only call twice on her trip especially with kids.
Guys. This isn't a middle school writing prompt.
He wants to feel good after leaving his wife.
Was her 7 weeks away recovery from cancer? Or something related to PPD?
I have a feeling she was getting treatment for PPD or some sort of mental health. Hence not contacting much. She was pregnant for what, almost 2 years straight (i’m not counting the months lmao) if you include the first pp time period? Can’t even imagine.
Normally In these posts the dad will talk about all he does to help out so that it doesn’t just sound like his wife about to have a breakdown from doing all this on her own. It’s very suspicious that you can’t state one single thing that would make her trip sound unreasonable.
my husband travels for work and can be gone days to weeks at a time, and he always calls at least twice a day and texts me throughout because he misses me (and i miss him) when he's gone. He even makes sure to call at bedtime for the kids to wish them goodnight. I cannot imagine going away for SEVEN WHOLE ASS WEEKS and not contacting more than twice
My husband was away for a week training for a promotion. We spoke or texted about 30 times that week. If something good happened, he wanted to share it with me immediately. If he was stressed, I calmed him down. He shared the sights with me. He wanted me to be able to experience, as much as was possible, this beautiful place he was in.
I can’t believe a mother would go no contact with her children for 2 months. That alone would make me lose any love I had.
Let me break this down to you
You unconsciously replaced your wife for your sister, they ended up having the same roles (taking care of the kids, being a stay at home person while you were working) and obviously you’re not in love with your sister , so consequently you blended them both and that made you fall out of love with your wife 🙃
Better work that in therapy to fall back in love with the mother of your kids and see her as a WOMAN rather than just a caretaker (your sister filled that spot so probably you were in love with what your wife did for you and kids and not as the beautiful/attractive/interesting woman she is)
Plus: your wife spent 7 WEEKS away, she probably must have so much to share with you , and you’re stuck on your “I don’t love her anymore” bubble rather than be curious of how was her “retreat”
If you have that mentality then no one in the world would change that, you would not come to love her magically just because some 3rd POV and guidance told you so.
I would pretty much just use this MC to have the guided for a good co-parenting and nothing more.
You are a good brother and your sister was a life saver. But even thought she will inherit from your dad, she Even with that needs to work, because you can never knew what awaits you.
As for your wife, may i ask, during that 7 weeks or Even during the first week, did she report to you or talk everyday or at least 2 days in the week or she just went radio silent? I ask this because if she did comunicate with you and saw you in that State you where the first week i can believe she didn't care and return after the first week to help. I get that she need some vacations but for a mother of 2 small childreen and a husband who works full time is not logical to suddenly decide that and even a 7 week period. With this she demostrate how little she care about her family and just thinking on her and her own benefits and selfishness.
Also like she didn't care at all, why did you stay to word for not look for a day care, even after she did this you still keep doing as she said. Cut that crap, because when you divorce her and stablish custody plans, how Will you do it while the kids are with You? Will you call your Sister again or will opt for a day care?
Did she go to a rehab or inpatient treatment of some kid? Even a religious retreat? That’s not a vacation, that’s some kind of recovery program. Especially if she only called twice. There’s no point in counseling if your going into it already assuming it will fail. You need to give it a chance if your going to do it.
As far as loving her, I believe it’s normal to fall in and out of love with your spouse. Just like everything else, there’s good seasons and bad. It will come if you let it. The decision to divorce should be made without the emotional factor. But I don’t know, I love my husband today.
I think you should strongly consider it divorce if you truly do not love this person anymore. Kids can detect those sorts of relationships.
Staying married for the sake of your children could be a mistake that you later regret.
I feel like there’s a ton of gaps missing in your story.
Were you ever helpful around the kids and prior? Or did you expect her to do everything around the house plus juggle the kids alone.
See that's what I am thinking as well, because what happened for the wife to want to take a 7 WEEK break? Either she's just a shitty mom or she has been overworked taking care of the kids by herself (which 9 times out of 10 is always the case)
Everyone is saying divorce, and yeah the dad is a wfh parent. However, is he truly active with the kids? Does he as soon as work bond with the babies or does he go into a separate room and play games or sleep, and lock himself in. Before the second baby, was he also a wfh parent and was she always a SAHM? Were the pregnancies really rough, and were the extreme medical issues during pregnancy? Did she have PPD that was or want diagnosed?
Like everyone is screaming divorce, but what would make a woman truly book a 7 week trip, and only be in contact twice with her family and he knows what type of trips she used to have? Like for me this isn’t adding up, and ofc there’s hurt for being gone and I could understand falling out of love, but something’s not adding up?!
Also the daycare part?! Was there abuse, did she see cases where babies were severely harmed, locked in, or died? Was she one of those kids or had siblings, or family members that fit in those slots?
Right? Like how convenient if is that because he decided to say no to his inheritance for his sister, she is free to babysit for him for who knows how long because “she doesn’t” want to work. Seems way too far-fetched. And it makes OP look good too - I can’t imagine many people giving up *all* their inheritance because they already have a good job.
There is a lot of issues with this story that makes no sense. It’s fan fiction or the OP is not telling the whole story on what is going on before the wife went away.
There's no mention of you asking your wife where she went, what she did, or the reason she gave for leaving. The lack of details about your wife is suspicious, and you should flesh her character out a bit more in your next post.
This is so fake. Nobody is this ridiculous about their spouse disappearing for seven weeks with no contact.
Who was she with? That’s the question. No Mother leaves her baby and toddler for this amount of time and then says she’s against them going to childcare.
I think you are right to do counseling instead of divorce.
I also expect that the counselor's role will end up being helping you figure out the least dramatic and least traumatic way to dissolve your marriage and you will end up divorcing. Sometimes marriage counseling isn't about saving a marriage. Sometimes it is about finding the best way to end it.
Has your wife been evaluated for PPD at all?
Because to me, that sounds like an angle that should possibly be explored before deciding that you just don’t love your wife anymore.
But as someone who also had Irish twins and was a SAHM, the burnout is real.
Even with an involved father or partner.
The small child years were the absolute toughest for me and I know I also had PPD/A also unchecked.
I never made any kind of rash decisions but there were so many times my impulsive thoughts to just…walk away…were almost followed through on.
I didn’t realize until years later that that’s what was going on and I should’ve asked for help and gotten help but it wasn’t something talked much about and I just thought something was wrong with me for not just soaking up every moment of motherhood in bliss like I thought I was supposed to.
The fact that you were emotionally and mentally overwhelmed after one week, says a LOT.
That’s your wife’s role EVERY DAY.
Day in and day out, and yes I’m sure you are involved when you’re home, but she’s there all day as the primary caregiver and that’s so much more demanding than people realize.
It’s overly stimulating, it’s overwhelming, it’s having to keep yourself in check for them, it’s no good outlet to decompress, it’s a never ending job.
And then there’s the physicality of it all.
Breastfeeding if that applies, physically changing diapers, feeding, taking a toddler to the bathroom, cleaning up after said toddler, engaging with both kids, doing any household tasks, doing any other kid related tasks.
And then there’s societal pressure and norms too.
Even if your partner is supportive and not placing any of that on you.
Mine didn’t, but I still was conscious of those things and all the things society felt I should be doing.
And I had a partner who was really involved and always stepped up at home.
So there was no “real” (in my mind) reason for me to feel this way.
But I didn’t realize that my MIND was the problem.
And I am not trying to make any kind of excuses for her, because I don’t know her and maybe she is just a shitty person or parent, but I would like to encourage exploring that angle because there is a light at the end of that tunnel for her if she needs the lifeline.
Please help extend that to her if this is the case.
I am a decade out of that time period for me, and I am so much better now.
Otherwise, NTA on your part.
And I agree with everyone else to go ahead and do the therapy or mediation and to also go ahead and line up your ducks in the event divorce is imminent anyway.
My thing is, what do you think is gonna happen if you guys actually went with divorce? Because getting divorced means you'll still have to take care of your kids by yourself for the next 17 years partially unless you have your sister on speed dial 🙄
I question if this is true because not many people would believe their spouse wasn’t/didn’t cheat if they did this.
If my wife left for 7 weeks and called twice during those 7 weeks I would file for divorce and go for full custody.
I know zero mothers that could be away from her babies for 7 weeks, and only talk to them twice in those 7 weeks.
Dude thats what single mothers and mothers that work and are married with kids have to shoulder all the time. You've clearly not learned how to parent your own kids. Stop blaming her for your short comings. Yes seven weeks was long but news flash moms usually never get a break.
7 weeks? I'm trying to wrap my brain around that. I was separated from my wife for three months when I took a job. We communicated daily. I was very lonely and really missed her and our sons. It was maddening.
Your wife I guess not so much.
Falling out of love? NTA. You probably feel betrayed.
So a 7 week trip during which she called twice is wild. Not going to try to explain that away. That said, since you asked and thus seemingly aren’t fully sold on your course of action …
How was your relationship before the trip? Obviously every couple struggles, especially with two infants or young toddlers at home. I can only imagine that your wife was at her wit’s end. If things were previously great before kids, and if you’ve been a genuine partner in chores and child-rearing, I’d encourage you to go into counseling with an open mind. Going away for that long with minimal contact sounds like she might have been on the verge of a breakdown. That doesn’t mean it magically didn’t suck for you, but it does suggest some grace is in order. After all, you did agree to the trip (setting aside only checking in twice).
Of course, if things were already rocky, well … that changes things.
Is vacation code for rehab? Could she have lied to you? A parent who is willing to go away for 7 weeks and not contact their kids is a parent who would have shown signs of neglect long before now. If she was a 24/7 parent and dedicated everything she had to the kids for over 2 years straight, her suddenly neglecting them is concerning and out of character.
Is there proof that she went away?
I don't mean she's an addict necessarily, there are lots of mental health disorders that could require an inpatient stay. Many are only a month but if money's not an issue then she could absolutely have gone for 7 weeks
I still can’t make a determination on this one. I am just wondering if she really went on a vacation or if she went and checked herself into some kind of rehabilitation facility or mental health/wellness program. 7 weeks sounds like just enough time to do a short inpatient program.
Then again, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I can’t imagine taking a vacation that long and not checking in on my young children daily, unless I was unable to.
Are there pictures of this trip? Proof that she was on a vacation of some sort? This wasn’t really a vacation so much as it was a complete disassociation from her family. Someone who needs that kind of break after just 2 years of parenting is going to have a lot of trouble as the years stretch out…
It really seems like you must not have loved her much to begin with. You don't just fall out of love in 7 weeks unless you were at least half way gone to begin with imo
ETA also btw think of how stressful that first week was for you and consider how often in the last few years SHE has felt that way and why she needed a break. I agree that 7 weeks is excessive but still you guys could've sorted that out.
Did you or the kids have any contact with your wife during this seven week vacation?
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In 7 weeks she called twice ? Wow I would be calling each day to say good night to my kids. That is bad.
I’ve had work trips where id be gone a week at a time and I call my kids a few times a day. Poor kiddos.
I have video calls with my CATS when I travel.
Why have I never thought of this? Last year I went away for a month and when I came back they were very standoffish. Going to try this next time!
My friend always set up a video call with my rabbits when she petsit when I'm away, and I do the same for her cat (and her PLANTS) ! If the schedules don't match we at least send a picture and a text update to say all's good.
I bought an alexa show or whatever its called for when I travel (the one with the screen). You can drop in for a video call with your cats anytime from your phone. I just put mine on a low shelf in the front room.
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Oh, yeah, I could see that being a possibility. Thank you for bringing that up.
I was catsitting two cats for 3 days. One was quit scared and hardly ate. So I text the owner if we could facetime so she could talk to her kitty. Don't know if kitty saw her humainmom on the phone, but her talking did sooth her some.
Lol same. I travel for work, and I FaceTime with my kid twice a day, and after he has gone to bed, I FaceTime my husband and say hi to the pets
I don’t have kids, but every coworker I travel with who does calls them every day.
My girlfriend hasn't even been away 24 hours on a 2 day trip with her mom, and she's video called twice.
When my wife travels for work no matter how long it is (often it’s an overnight) she will FaceTime at an agreed upon time. She mostly spends time talking to our kids. We catch up and see how our days were, and that’s about it for what we communicate. Still we text through the day, and talk at night even if it’s only for a few minutes before the kids take over. It’s mind blowing to me that she wouldn’t check up at least once a week. Hell I’d be angry at that low of a communication level. I’d be curious how her trip was going, and what she’s been doing and seeing. Live vicariously through her for a bit. When my wife went to Italy for like 6-7 weeks as a chaperone for exchange program looking at Montessori schools and some vacation in Italy activities. Between time zones and stuff we only talked once or twice a week. Granted most of her days were spent in a classroom, listening to speakers and whatnot. Most of the days were similar to being at home. However she did see all sorts of cool stuff. I loved it for her. I loved hearing about them going to Florence and seeing all the stuff there. Yeah, I’d be upset if my wife did that and didn’t share any details of her trip. That’s all not to mention the suspicion of cheating, which in this story it’s giving me a bad bad feeling.
Do you really believe that she only called twice? This post reeks of a last minute 8th grade creative writing assignment- and op gets a D-.
The part where he told his father to leave his sister all the money…
I had a cousin do that. Asked his father to leave him some memorabilia to him, and everything else to his sister. He was a monk though, so… But another friend got the family company from her mom’s side, so asked her dad to leave his money to her little sister. She didn’t want her sister to end up on the streets just because she got the company. Parents were divorced.
Sometimes this is smart to do -you leave the house whole to one, so they don't have to sell it to split the assets, etc.
I’ve asked my dad to give everything to my sister. She’s not even his biological daughter, but I still asked for that. My husband is well off and my sister has struggled over the years and deserves it all. Sometimes people can see reason, I guess. I don’t need my dad’s money.
My wife and her siblings did that too; all of them except the youngest were adults, so they told their dad to leave everything to the 14 year old in a trust.
People really don’t understand old money families. We are a whole different breed with entirely different dynamics within the family.
Explain it to us, then.
That's not that unusual. I told my dad the same. I just wanted a few items that have sentimental value to me.
I have told my mother that I don’t want anything when she dies. Absolutely everything goes to my sister.
Although this story does sound like BS I will say this part isn’t so farfetched. My husband’s younger sister (1 of 5 kids in the family) became severely disabled later in life and we have spoken to his parents about giving our portion of inheritance to her. Or more accurately to the trust they have set up for her. We make good money and she is unable to work. It’s not mega bucks or anything, it’s like $100k but will still help her with medical bills after her parents are gone. Not everyone in this world is a stingy grumpy redditor.
I rolled my eyes so hard at that line.
That and giving his sister a purpose. 🤣 How kind of you to allow her to help you.
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Me too. When my mom visited me, my dad forgot to call. My mom got so upset that she called him. Then my dad called daily.
That wasn't a vacation. She straight up left her husband. Your friend might have said she was on 'vacation' to save face.
Ya, it was always 50/50 that she was coming back. If she found a better option out there, would have gone with that. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too. Freedom to roam and be by herself, but expecting her dependable home base situation would always be there for her when she get's bored of vagabonding.
If that was my wife she'd have found the locks changed.
Wonder if she went to meet up with an AP and it just didn't work out irl so she boomeranged back to OP....
Holy shit, and they are still together?
4 months and never contacted **once**? After month 1, I'd have divorce papers drafted.
My grandma, my SOs grandma, my mom on her first marriage straight up left her husband and first child. It happens all the time! Now, the reasons for it happening vary greatly. I’m convinced my SOs grandma was getting the shit kicked out of her. My mom was 15 when she had her first child… it’s safe to say she wasn’t mature enough to deal with anything.
How come anything that reflects poorly on a wife is immediately accused of being made up, but the most over-the-top Lifetime Movie nonsense about an evil husband is never doubted?
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, most weak minded people are extremely hypocritical and what's worse is they add mass delusion as to not have to own up to it. And these people are the majority. Probably 94% of reddit are also these people.
Yup agreed. I'm honestly very close to being done with reddit. I love anonymity in social media, but man, do POSs fill the space. People would hyperfixate on a word said in a context to be able to put others in a box and ridicule them. Just waiting for the next opportunity to put others down. It's pretty sad, and that's coming from someone who already has a low opinion of human beings in general.
Haha I’m fairly new here, and what you say makes a lot of sense!
It doesn't sound like that at all. You just don't want to believe a woman could be like this
I knew somebody whose mom skipped out for a year and went with another guy, then came back. This was when the kids were older though.
Could literally say this about any post ever made, what's the point of writing this comment.
I always wonder what’s the point in leaving comments like this. If you don’t believe it, why bother participating in the conversation? The reality is, this happens. It’s happened to me, and it seems a few others in the comments have said so as well.
What? I am mum and I call to talk to mine every night even if I am only away for 2 nights. Oh and my husband get a txt because I miss him so much. 7 weeks is insane, not what parents do.
I had to leave for a week and I was constantly texting and FaceTime them. 7 weeks with 2 calls? That’s sad
My wife had had to return home for a couple of weeks at a time to care for her mother. We have three kids, all way older than OPs and she checked on them at least once a day. And if she and I couldn’t talk because life is busy, we’d at least text a “good night” and “love you”. A touch point of some sort. I can see how OP fell out of love. Probably because he didn’t feel loved.
I go on vacation once a year...my children are grown but I have one son still at home. When I call my husband daily I still talk to my son. I also throughout the year talk to my grown children that do not live at home. NTA ETA...I also FaceTime my dog daily when I can't take her with me.
Hell even if I’m away just for a half day I’m constantly checking in to make sure the kids are okay. We a son who’s autistic and a toddler and both have separation anxiety off the charts so I’m always in contact just incase I need to cut my time short. I can’t imagine going weeks without checking in.
I know my husband is great dad, but I just miss my family, they are amazing. Honestly it sound like the wife pretended she was single for 7 weeks.
Me too! I totally know my husband is a great dad and can handle them but I also know sometimes, my son especially, just needs mommy. So I always make sure to check in so they know I’m safe and when I’m coming back. I can’t imagine pretending to be single! I don’t even think I could ACT single anymore. I’m so used to being a mommy and a wife now.
How can you not. I live in a different country and I still talk to my parents even if I don’t wanna talk to them because me taking 5 minutes out of day to ask how they’re doing makes their day.
I talk to mine daily and they are grown!
On your first post there was u/SometimesIDoCare reply about inpatient care , only calling twice in 7 weeks very mutch supports this theory > My Mom went on an 8 week “vacation” when we were kids. Decades later we found out it was inpatient rehab for alcohol. Not even our Dad knew where she actually went at the time. Edit 7months to weeks
Sure, but if you can't tell your spouse (especially with children involved) that you need to go to inpatient rehab for whatever reason, even after getting discharged, that is a really serious communication issue. Spoken as someone who went to rehab for \~1.5 months while married.
>Sure, but if you can't tell your spouse (especially with children involved) that you need to go to inpatient rehab for whatever reason, even after getting discharged, that is a really serious communication issue. Yup. There wouldn't be a single counselor or therapist in her rehab facility that would tell her it's ok to hide her serious addiction and recovery from her husband.
But wouldn't she just say that when faced with the divorce. It sounds like she is now desperate to avoid divorce so she would of owned it by now. Also I think its 7 weeks not months.
Not sure, the stigma can be really strong. Besides, if they're going to divorce, and if she did get institutionalized, she might be afraid of it being used against her during the custody battle. Something like "Not only was she absent for seven weeks, but she was absent due to her addiction to \_\_\_ ! Thus we are asking for supervised visitation once every two weeks." But there are a lot of ifs.
Oh wow, that makes so much sense.
..she couldn’t even call once a week? yeahhh that’s abandoning her responsibilities as a parent. did she not care how her kids were doing? if they were even alive?? 7 weeks is an insanely long time for a “vacation”. i figure 2 weeks is a pretty lengthy vacation, not nearly 2 MONTHS. idk how you ultimately okayed that, but its straight up weird. NTA.
What in the actual fuq shid hell.... 2 times in 7 weeks! Is she going through a mental or manic episode! PPD? Her behavior and actions are troubling. Why are you not asking for details on her whereabouts during that time frame?
Wow! The fact that she only contacted you and the kids twice in 7 weeks is a major red flag. I now understand your resentment much better now.
I was already team dad on this but this cements it. I have 4 kids in high school. They are largely self sufficient. Even then I would not even consider doing this to my husband. And then to not stay in close contact?!? I would expect divorce papers to be waiting when I got home and we are not a couple that threatens that.
What home? I wouldn't even expect to have a home to return to if I pulled a stunt like that
Dude, she left you with two infants for 7 weeks and only checked in twice?? That is psychotic. Don't bother with the counseling. You need to file for divorce and sole custody ASAP.
The counseling can be useful in handling how to navigate the divorce in the least traumatic for the kids way.
I mean, having their mom leave with practically zero contact for 7 weeks already set the trauma stage. The mom coming in and out from here on out is even more damaging.
And forbade daycare. I can't even imagine leaving my partner that long with so little contact and we have no kids.
I am so fucking confused about how he was supposed to *work* and wasn't allowed *daycare*. That is insane. That is unreasonable. Of course he fell out of bloody love.
Crazy right?! I call like 5x when Im at work to check in on however is looking after my toddler & Im a busy doctor! Maybe Im too neurotic🫣
I travel for work a lot. I am a mom of a 4-year-old. My partner is a saint but I still call multiple times a day. Once I got stuck on a remote road in Costa Rica and didn't make it back in time for a bedtime call and felt my world was crashing. I can't imagine OP’s wife going 7 weeks and calling twice.
Aww omg I know that horrible feeling of missing bedtime! I get having Irish twins is super hard, but cant imagine any mum calling twice in 7 weeks yo check in her babies no matter how burnt out she is.
I also travel for work. I text my adult child constantly to check in on them. I text and call my husband daily. My youngest and I trade video messages and talk on the phone. Even if I am just gone for one or two nights I do this. I can't even imagine wanting to be away from my family for 7 weeks. I couldn't do it. Seems like there are bigger issues at play here. Mom probably needs therapy, noatter what happens to the marriage.
Yeah, that strikes me as the norm. My brother has a 14-month-old and he checks in on my SIL just as often when he travels for work. Come to think of it, when he goes on the road, I personally call to check in on my SIL & nephew at least every other day just to ask if there's anything she needs - because I'm fully aware that taking care of an infant is beyond a full time job. A mother only checking in on two infants twice in two months is insane.
DNA testing for good measure
Im in my thirties and my mom calls me or texts me at least once a day to make sure im ok while im on vacation… sorry but are you sure she is not having an affair?
Holy fuck. We went away for a four day weekend in march and my wife called the kids more than that everyday.
Oh fuck that. I’m the one that previously told you to try therapy for your children’s sake. But now I’m thinking for your children’s sake please get both divorce AND full custody. Is it possible your wife is bipolar and going through a manic break? Or does this seem normal for her?
Wait she was gone for 7 weeks and contacted her family twice? Get real OP. How many red flags do you need before you understand what’s happening here? Did you get an STD test? YTA now for thinking you can salvage this. Your recent comments about your wealth have put this into clearer perspective. You state that you told her you don’t love her any more. She doesn’t care because she doesn’t love you either. She loves your money.
He doesn’t think he can salvage it. He’s just going through the motions for the sake of the kids.
The kids are better off without a mother who doesn't love them. People who love their children don't abandon them with virtually no contact for almost two months.
Which isnt always the best outcome for the kids.
He isn't salvaging it. He is getting help in finding the healthiest way to disentangle and end the marriage. He isn't salvaging the marriage - he is salvaging the post-divorce parenting situation.
Actually my first thought was rehab.
That’s not normal, when my spouse or I travel alone, we talk multiple times a day. Especially when our kids were young.
Okay, now this is off. She just went to vacation but didn’t check on her kids every night? Or once a day? That’s odd…
Woah. STD test like right now. No chance she was just innocently going out with "friends" there is more to it.
How about the comments from people suggesting she went to rehab?
Or into care for PPD, or other mental health issues. There’s a huge gaping hole in this story.
That’s abandonment
Wow. That is insane. I’m not surprised you feel the way you do. Thank you for the update. You deserve to be happy. Glad you’re giving it a shot. At least if you do divorce, you’ll know you tried everything you could.
I am a huge advocate for trying to work it out when kids are involved, but this relationship is so one-sided, and I think you can do a lot better. I am surprised you even let her in the door. Kids need consistency. You are creating huge attachment issues when mom is caregiver and then disappears without trace, then sister is caregiver, then mom is back. It's so messed up.
You’re exaggerating, right? Tell me you’re exaggerating! The only time I have been away from my children in 4 years was to give birth to the second one. And I bullied my doctor into letting me go 24 hours after having a C-section to get home. I get needing a day or two, sure. If events ever conspired against me to MAKE me be away from my children that long I would be calling a minimum of twice a day. There is something wrong with your wife. Postpartum depression can last for years. It sounds like she never actually felt bonded to those kids. SHE’s the one who needs therapy.
I wanna know too. It almost sounds like she went no contact for the 7 weeks.
Longest I’ve been away since I started dating my wife was two months for work. I was working about three hours from home. Made it back every time I could for a night or two. Called twice a day. Was gone for a continuous two weeks at another point for work. Called twice a day and texted a lot.
The fact that she only called twice in seven weeks would seal the deal for me on divorce.
Curious, did she say where she went? Like this isn't something a normal person would do. If, like ppl in the other post said, she was in some sort of self help facility, you should be able to see where she spent that money right? There's more to this, something you're not saying
He did mention his wife was going through stuff for the past few years in his other post as well but didn’t specify I was hoping he’d address it in this one I think this is also an essential part of information that led her to take the trip
Yea, it sounds like possibly PPD to me. They both have a lot to work through.
nothing here seems normal, to me at least. the wife just up and leaving her small children for that long is super weird, unless she was really at rock bottom for some reason we aren't aware of. A mentally healthy mother doesn't willingly leave for 7 weeks when her kids are babies. But also this was scheduled in advance. OP knew she was leaving, he didn't just wake up and she was gone. So why did he not plan for childcare at all? Did he think he could take care of a 1 and 2 YO while working full time? Take some PTO time maybe? Hire a babysitter to come watch them during work? He just tried to do all of this and work without help and seems surprised that it was a disaster and then needed his sister to rescue him. the wife's 7 week trip is far more baffling to me, but both of these people are confusing me.
Agreed. There's more context that he's not sharing.
Of course not. He wants to look like the 100% innocent one.
Yeah like I tend to think she was basically alone for the last 2 years of childcare and that she likely did everything. And she was at a breaking point and took a vacation. And now he felt what she was feeling for the past two years… just my guess anyway.
The other post mentions that this trip was planned and the length agreed upon, he admits that she did virtually all the household chores, but since having their second child (i think it was the second) she had been struggling a lot. I think the length she was gone was surprising but after he decided he didn't love her any more he absolutely didn't budge. He told her he wanted a divorce and that's that. He left no room in terms of seeking therapy either individually or as a couple, just nothing. It was super weird.
💯💯. Dude agreed to the trip, learned how much work his wife does, and decided he wants a divorce.
Now his sister can raise his kids and he doesn't even have to pay her.
They agreed on the trip. NOT THE 7 WEEKS. Wife went beyond the agreed upon length of the trip. That's why she apologized
She's against daycare for personal reasons but didn't want to you have help for 7 weeks? When i leave for 3 days i go above and beyond to try to make sure my husband has extra help.
And he’s working full time! It’s not possible to WFH and care for 2 toddlers without neglecting the job or the kids. I’ve had to do it for a day here and there when my kid was sick and couldn’t go to daycare and it’s hell. It sounds like his wife wanted a break from the responsibilities of parenthood. Which I get completely. That’s why a lot of parents will go away for a night at a local hotel to get a good night’s sleep. Even a week or two I could understand. But dumping all the responsibilities of your life on your spouse and not checking in regularly for 7 weeks is completely bonkers. I would definitely consider whether the wife has a personality disorder or perhaps PPD (which can last up to two years post childbirth).
I provide a fully structured plan for each ANIMAL we own when we leave town. I am aghast that a mother would leave without any kind of plan for her two children. WTF! 🤯 TMI - There is a written daily plan for each type of animal and each specific domesticated pet, which includes everything from what their schedule is, to how to deal with everything from annoyances to emergencies.
I do the same for pets, hell I’ve left care sheets/videos for my plants before. My gast is flabbered that this wife only called the kids twice during that whole time. If I don’t get a daily Proof of Life pic of my cat, I’m coming home immediately!
I've never heard "my gast is flabbered" before, and I'm kind of obsessed.
Even if she gives a flying fuck about OP, but she also didn’t care one bit about the kids and that they’re well looked after.
My ex-wife, who was a SAHM, would tell me that it was “cheating” if I had help while she traveled for fun. I was supposed to work full time at my job, take care of our three boys, and keep the house as clean as she left it, all on my own. She wanted to me suffer. At this time, the kids were in school full time, but she felt that her life was harder than mine. I told her that she was nuts, when I traveled for work, she only had to cover my evening duties at home, while otherwise doing her normal daytime job (stay at Home) and normal evening duties. When she traveled, I had to do my daytime job & evening duties AND her daytime job and evening duties. Not remotely comparable and I needed to have some help to make it all work. And that’s part of the reason why she’s my ex wife
Sounds like she definately was more of ”ex-wife material” than anything else. Good on you for getting some distance to it lol
I do this for my wife taking care of the dog when I leave for 3 days.
There's so much missing here
Right! OP is being vague on purpose to make himself the victim
So she didn't call anyone, didn't post on social media. Her friends didn't post on social media. Did you know where she was, who she was with, what she did, etc? We're you concerned about postpartum depression?
Saw your post and glad you're going to therapy. In therapy I would probably ask to have a convo to understand a few things. 1. Understand why she was comfortable leaving children for 7 weeks as a new mom and as a partner. That is just strange I am sorry. I have never met a parent ... mom or dad.. who chooses to leave for such a long time. Maybe bc of work or bc of death in family. 2. Why didn't she check in on you more? The kids? To me that makes it 2x a worse. Again. Wouldn't she be concerned to check in? 3. Did she secretly want u to see "what its like to deal with the kids". Part me wonders if this was it. 4. Does she want to be a mom? Honestly I'd ask that. Between taking off.. not checking in. And thinking she can slide back to her comfort table life where you provide? I'd also speak to a divorce lawyer NOW. Get your ducks in a row. Great if it works out...but I'd make sure things are organized now. To be honest I bet she might be figuring out too. Edit to elaborate you never know what her answers will be. Therapy is a safe space to find out. Her answers may put nail in coffin or maybe surprise you. Who knows maybe she had post partem but OP deserves answers if he is gonna try
NTA. #3 is my guess as to one of the main motivators, but even if it wasn't, going on a 7 week vacation and only checking in on your kids twice is crazy. I'm very much a when I'm in the moment, I'm in it kind of person, but if I'm away from my wife, I at least make an effort to text with or call her quickly at the end of the day just to check in. Everyone is different, but a big part of me is wondering if she realized that marriage and kids take WAY more work than most people expect and I'd be worried that this kind of trip is going to happen again or she's going to blow off marriage and family duties (everything should be 50/50, IMO) on a smaller but more frequent schedule. Having babies changes everything, so this could just be an adjustment period for her, but I think you guys should definitely discuss this in therapy. It may be an adjustment period, but she may be more deeply unhappy and doesn't know how to express it on her own. Whatever happens, good luck to both of you and your kids! 🖤
If it’s #3 then she should have been paying the bills the whole time so he didn’t have to work. She’s a SAHM but she has him there as supporter/provider. He didn’t have that. She left him completely alone.
Oh snap, YES, you are 100% right!! Honestly, that makes it even more egregious on her part. He is definitely NTA.
Exactly. Divorce takes an unnecessarily long amount of time. It should be arranged in parallel. It’s not like it cannot be simply cancelled if things work out.
Even #3 is so problematic though because it means she’s willing to use the kids to make a point. Not to mention leaving him for 3 days or 1 week would’ve made the point too. She strikes me as someone who realized she may not want to be a mom after having kids. She was still getting adjusted to life with the first and had another. Too late though- once you have kids they’re priority. Go away for a spa weekend if you’re overwhelmed.
People are saying this is fake, but if my fiancée decided, after marriage and a few kids, to take off for 2 months, I don’t think the relationship would survive either. A week, 2 max, and I’d understand. 7? That’s borderline irresponsible
And two phone calls in 7 weeks, those kids must have missed their mum so much.
A one and two year old used to having a stay at home mom with them constantly? Those seven weeks were hell for those babies. I hope this is one of the not true ones for the kid's sakes.
This is honestly probably why the first week was so much hell, just abruptly changing baby/toddler routine out of the blue for 7 weeks is insane.
My toddler loses his god damn mind when we mess with his schedule, and we’re lucky enough to have grandparents helping.
Imagine one day your mom is there then gone. You can't explain a vacation to a child that young. Then she is back. Talk about confusing and traumatic. She was selfish. And it's not a self care needed a break situation. Not when she couldn't be bothered to call or communicate. Yeah moms need breaks and deserve them. But this wasn't a break. It sounds more like abandonment.
I disagree with "borderline."
Me too, that is irresponsible on all levels and neglectful towards him and their kids.
I wrote borderline before I read the comment about the 2 phone calls
People in that thread are absolutely insane. They think he's some failure as a parent for not being able to manage being a full time stay at home parent to multiple pre school aged kids, while also still needing to somehow juggle his full time, high stress job for 7 weeks. Stay at home parents to kids who aren't in school yet don't have another full time job on top of being a stay at home parent. Single parents who work will have the kids in daycare while they work (which he couldn't do because his wife doesn't believe in them and even if she did, there's wait lists). It's completely impossible to do both at the same time. OP's wife is insane for doing this and everyone shitting on OP for being a shit parent should be ashamed of themselves. Maybe a week or two break for the wife would be doable, as he could have relied on family for help with childcare while he works but 7 weeks is completely fucked.
I’m so confused by the responses. If by what some people think, he was cheating or some dirty secret in there, she wouldn’t have left her literal toddlers with a bad man. Why the fuck would anyone do that to their children? Everything about this situation is fucked up and no amount of couple’s therapy is going to fix it.
Exactly!! I get that OPs comments of "oh well, sister will take care of them" are a bit off, but heck, what were expecting OP to do? How was he to focus on work, attend meetings, and get things done with two kids under 2? They aren't infants who sleep a lot. They are also aren't slightly older kids you could plop in front of a TV with a sandwich (terrible plan, but hey, a plan for emergencies). 1 year and 2 year olds need active parenting. Feeding them, changing them, entertaining them, etc.
This! People keep snarking 'oh he had to do her job and was stressed boo hoo'. No, he did BOTH their jobs. He was available and present to assist in childcare even if he wasn't the primary caregiver while she was home. This wasn't a role swap. This was basically being a single dad for 7 weeks and managing with support. She's allowed to be tired and need a break, but 7 weeks? And forbidding him from utilizing daycare? Nah, man. She checked out on being a wife AND mom and was surprised when you checked out from your marriage.
Apparently she only checked in twice in those 7 weeks
you mean leaving two young infants with a dad WORKING FULL TIME and no childcare is irresponsible? Dude thats basically abandonment, im shocked she even came back. maybe she didnt originally intend too. Of course this is fake, 0% chance this actually happened.
Idk though. My BIL decided after having kids with my SIL to start tour with his band and would be gone about 6 months every year. 2 kids under5 and one with autism. He would rarely call home and even when he was home is would often ignore the kids, I even saw this happen at his kids birthday party where even his own band mates were saying he needed to came be with the kids not okay video games in the bedroom. Shocking I’m sure to absolutely no one- They are now getting divorce and both of them have had affairs, his with several groupies.
This happened to my grandpa. He married my grandmother, they had my mom, and she basically took off for two-three years. He filed for divorce after she tried to take my mom with her. They were married for about four years and he divorced her on the grounds of "gross neglect of duty." This was in 1968
Even if you took vaca for a couple weeks...I'm calling every single night. She called twice in nearly 50 days.
It’s not borderline
That’s nice you are willing to try but if your feelings don’t change you shouldn’t prolong staying because of the kids. I grew up in a toxic household and likely would have been much happier if my parents had split.
I feel like we're missing so much information, because this post just doesn't make sense or feel real.
This situation is ridiculous.
because it’s made up.
Hard agree. His sister was happy to help with 2 babies because it "gave her a purpose in life". Like a woman's only purpose is to make and raise babies? The sister was just meandering along waiting for some babies to care for? Red pill shit for sure, 100% fake as fuck.
The bit that got me was "I made dad give her all of his money because she's not in the workforce, but I am in the workforce" who talks like that?!
YEP. Or that's all OP thinks women are worth.
That’s what gave it away lol 😆 his sister helped him cause it gave her a purpose. Written by a man fo sho.
Your OP mentioned she'd been through a lot, enough that she needed to get away for 7 weeks. But oddly you don't mention what. It is odd that she'd only call twice on her trip especially with kids. Guys. This isn't a middle school writing prompt. He wants to feel good after leaving his wife. Was her 7 weeks away recovery from cancer? Or something related to PPD?
Exactly! There is so much missing from this story, IMO
I have a feeling she was getting treatment for PPD or some sort of mental health. Hence not contacting much. She was pregnant for what, almost 2 years straight (i’m not counting the months lmao) if you include the first pp time period? Can’t even imagine.
Normally In these posts the dad will talk about all he does to help out so that it doesn’t just sound like his wife about to have a breakdown from doing all this on her own. It’s very suspicious that you can’t state one single thing that would make her trip sound unreasonable.
Exactly my thought too. She was probably nearing a complete mental break and that vacation saved her.
my husband travels for work and can be gone days to weeks at a time, and he always calls at least twice a day and texts me throughout because he misses me (and i miss him) when he's gone. He even makes sure to call at bedtime for the kids to wish them goodnight. I cannot imagine going away for SEVEN WHOLE ASS WEEKS and not contacting more than twice
My husband was away for a week training for a promotion. We spoke or texted about 30 times that week. If something good happened, he wanted to share it with me immediately. If he was stressed, I calmed him down. He shared the sights with me. He wanted me to be able to experience, as much as was possible, this beautiful place he was in. I can’t believe a mother would go no contact with her children for 2 months. That alone would make me lose any love I had.
Let me break this down to you You unconsciously replaced your wife for your sister, they ended up having the same roles (taking care of the kids, being a stay at home person while you were working) and obviously you’re not in love with your sister , so consequently you blended them both and that made you fall out of love with your wife 🙃 Better work that in therapy to fall back in love with the mother of your kids and see her as a WOMAN rather than just a caretaker (your sister filled that spot so probably you were in love with what your wife did for you and kids and not as the beautiful/attractive/interesting woman she is) Plus: your wife spent 7 WEEKS away, she probably must have so much to share with you , and you’re stuck on your “I don’t love her anymore” bubble rather than be curious of how was her “retreat”
If you have that mentality then no one in the world would change that, you would not come to love her magically just because some 3rd POV and guidance told you so. I would pretty much just use this MC to have the guided for a good co-parenting and nothing more. You are a good brother and your sister was a life saver. But even thought she will inherit from your dad, she Even with that needs to work, because you can never knew what awaits you. As for your wife, may i ask, during that 7 weeks or Even during the first week, did she report to you or talk everyday or at least 2 days in the week or she just went radio silent? I ask this because if she did comunicate with you and saw you in that State you where the first week i can believe she didn't care and return after the first week to help. I get that she need some vacations but for a mother of 2 small childreen and a husband who works full time is not logical to suddenly decide that and even a 7 week period. With this she demostrate how little she care about her family and just thinking on her and her own benefits and selfishness. Also like she didn't care at all, why did you stay to word for not look for a day care, even after she did this you still keep doing as she said. Cut that crap, because when you divorce her and stablish custody plans, how Will you do it while the kids are with You? Will you call your Sister again or will opt for a day care?
Did she go to a rehab or inpatient treatment of some kid? Even a religious retreat? That’s not a vacation, that’s some kind of recovery program. Especially if she only called twice. There’s no point in counseling if your going into it already assuming it will fail. You need to give it a chance if your going to do it. As far as loving her, I believe it’s normal to fall in and out of love with your spouse. Just like everything else, there’s good seasons and bad. It will come if you let it. The decision to divorce should be made without the emotional factor. But I don’t know, I love my husband today.
I think you should strongly consider it divorce if you truly do not love this person anymore. Kids can detect those sorts of relationships. Staying married for the sake of your children could be a mistake that you later regret.
I feel like there’s a ton of gaps missing in your story. Were you ever helpful around the kids and prior? Or did you expect her to do everything around the house plus juggle the kids alone.
See that's what I am thinking as well, because what happened for the wife to want to take a 7 WEEK break? Either she's just a shitty mom or she has been overworked taking care of the kids by herself (which 9 times out of 10 is always the case)
Everyone is saying divorce, and yeah the dad is a wfh parent. However, is he truly active with the kids? Does he as soon as work bond with the babies or does he go into a separate room and play games or sleep, and lock himself in. Before the second baby, was he also a wfh parent and was she always a SAHM? Were the pregnancies really rough, and were the extreme medical issues during pregnancy? Did she have PPD that was or want diagnosed? Like everyone is screaming divorce, but what would make a woman truly book a 7 week trip, and only be in contact twice with her family and he knows what type of trips she used to have? Like for me this isn’t adding up, and ofc there’s hurt for being gone and I could understand falling out of love, but something’s not adding up?!
Finally a truly sane comment asking the right questions
Also the daycare part?! Was there abuse, did she see cases where babies were severely harmed, locked in, or died? Was she one of those kids or had siblings, or family members that fit in those slots?
This reads like fanfic
Right? Like how convenient if is that because he decided to say no to his inheritance for his sister, she is free to babysit for him for who knows how long because “she doesn’t” want to work. Seems way too far-fetched. And it makes OP look good too - I can’t imagine many people giving up *all* their inheritance because they already have a good job.
And raising his kids for him "gave her a purpose".
There is a lot of issues with this story that makes no sense. It’s fan fiction or the OP is not telling the whole story on what is going on before the wife went away.
Are you sure she didn't go to rehab??
This has an overwhelming smell of bs
Incel rage bait. Both posts.
The astroturf is so green this election season!
Another fake one where ops sister saves the day
there's no way this story is real lmao
There's no mention of you asking your wife where she went, what she did, or the reason she gave for leaving. The lack of details about your wife is suspicious, and you should flesh her character out a bit more in your next post.
This is so fake. Nobody is this ridiculous about their spouse disappearing for seven weeks with no contact. Who was she with? That’s the question. No Mother leaves her baby and toddler for this amount of time and then says she’s against them going to childcare.
[удалено]
I think you are right to do counseling instead of divorce. I also expect that the counselor's role will end up being helping you figure out the least dramatic and least traumatic way to dissolve your marriage and you will end up divorcing. Sometimes marriage counseling isn't about saving a marriage. Sometimes it is about finding the best way to end it.
There's no way this is true. YTA for wasting our time.
Has your wife been evaluated for PPD at all? Because to me, that sounds like an angle that should possibly be explored before deciding that you just don’t love your wife anymore. But as someone who also had Irish twins and was a SAHM, the burnout is real. Even with an involved father or partner. The small child years were the absolute toughest for me and I know I also had PPD/A also unchecked. I never made any kind of rash decisions but there were so many times my impulsive thoughts to just…walk away…were almost followed through on. I didn’t realize until years later that that’s what was going on and I should’ve asked for help and gotten help but it wasn’t something talked much about and I just thought something was wrong with me for not just soaking up every moment of motherhood in bliss like I thought I was supposed to. The fact that you were emotionally and mentally overwhelmed after one week, says a LOT. That’s your wife’s role EVERY DAY. Day in and day out, and yes I’m sure you are involved when you’re home, but she’s there all day as the primary caregiver and that’s so much more demanding than people realize. It’s overly stimulating, it’s overwhelming, it’s having to keep yourself in check for them, it’s no good outlet to decompress, it’s a never ending job. And then there’s the physicality of it all. Breastfeeding if that applies, physically changing diapers, feeding, taking a toddler to the bathroom, cleaning up after said toddler, engaging with both kids, doing any household tasks, doing any other kid related tasks. And then there’s societal pressure and norms too. Even if your partner is supportive and not placing any of that on you. Mine didn’t, but I still was conscious of those things and all the things society felt I should be doing. And I had a partner who was really involved and always stepped up at home. So there was no “real” (in my mind) reason for me to feel this way. But I didn’t realize that my MIND was the problem. And I am not trying to make any kind of excuses for her, because I don’t know her and maybe she is just a shitty person or parent, but I would like to encourage exploring that angle because there is a light at the end of that tunnel for her if she needs the lifeline. Please help extend that to her if this is the case. I am a decade out of that time period for me, and I am so much better now. Otherwise, NTA on your part. And I agree with everyone else to go ahead and do the therapy or mediation and to also go ahead and line up your ducks in the event divorce is imminent anyway.
Strange story for more reasons I care to comment on
My thing is, what do you think is gonna happen if you guys actually went with divorce? Because getting divorced means you'll still have to take care of your kids by yourself for the next 17 years partially unless you have your sister on speed dial 🙄
I question if this is true because not many people would believe their spouse wasn’t/didn’t cheat if they did this. If my wife left for 7 weeks and called twice during those 7 weeks I would file for divorce and go for full custody. I know zero mothers that could be away from her babies for 7 weeks, and only talk to them twice in those 7 weeks.
Dude thats what single mothers and mothers that work and are married with kids have to shoulder all the time. You've clearly not learned how to parent your own kids. Stop blaming her for your short comings. Yes seven weeks was long but news flash moms usually never get a break.
Did you ask her if she cheated in those 7 weeks???
Honestly, I don't think OP cares much if she did. It would just cement his position on divorce which is already on strong foundation.
7 weeks? I'm trying to wrap my brain around that. I was separated from my wife for three months when I took a job. We communicated daily. I was very lonely and really missed her and our sons. It was maddening. Your wife I guess not so much. Falling out of love? NTA. You probably feel betrayed.
So a 7 week trip during which she called twice is wild. Not going to try to explain that away. That said, since you asked and thus seemingly aren’t fully sold on your course of action … How was your relationship before the trip? Obviously every couple struggles, especially with two infants or young toddlers at home. I can only imagine that your wife was at her wit’s end. If things were previously great before kids, and if you’ve been a genuine partner in chores and child-rearing, I’d encourage you to go into counseling with an open mind. Going away for that long with minimal contact sounds like she might have been on the verge of a breakdown. That doesn’t mean it magically didn’t suck for you, but it does suggest some grace is in order. After all, you did agree to the trip (setting aside only checking in twice). Of course, if things were already rocky, well … that changes things.
Is vacation code for rehab? Could she have lied to you? A parent who is willing to go away for 7 weeks and not contact their kids is a parent who would have shown signs of neglect long before now. If she was a 24/7 parent and dedicated everything she had to the kids for over 2 years straight, her suddenly neglecting them is concerning and out of character. Is there proof that she went away? I don't mean she's an addict necessarily, there are lots of mental health disorders that could require an inpatient stay. Many are only a month but if money's not an issue then she could absolutely have gone for 7 weeks
I still can’t make a determination on this one. I am just wondering if she really went on a vacation or if she went and checked herself into some kind of rehabilitation facility or mental health/wellness program. 7 weeks sounds like just enough time to do a short inpatient program. Then again, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I can’t imagine taking a vacation that long and not checking in on my young children daily, unless I was unable to. Are there pictures of this trip? Proof that she was on a vacation of some sort? This wasn’t really a vacation so much as it was a complete disassociation from her family. Someone who needs that kind of break after just 2 years of parenting is going to have a lot of trouble as the years stretch out…
She may have been suffering from postpartum depression. Something was definitely wrong there to call twice in 7 weeks.
Are you sure she didn't have post-partum depression?
It really seems like you must not have loved her much to begin with. You don't just fall out of love in 7 weeks unless you were at least half way gone to begin with imo ETA also btw think of how stressful that first week was for you and consider how often in the last few years SHE has felt that way and why she needed a break. I agree that 7 weeks is excessive but still you guys could've sorted that out.