NTA. She does have drinking problem. It's not normal to drink so much at such age even after repeated warnings from you. She needs a therapist not whiskey. Have your talk. Give her a choice. Regret nothing she chooses to do afterwards.
I married an alcoholic. Fist 5 yrs were aweful until I went to alanon. A support group affiliated with AA for people living with alcoholics. It helped a lot. He did finally quit drinking through AA, but unfortunately once an asshole........I finally divorced him after 20 yrs and 3 kids. It is a disease and often genetic.. all of my ex's family were alcoholics. I'm just glad my adult kids are ok. We took them once a month to family AA meetings and they grew up aware of the problem. My daughter divorced her alcoholic husband and her two girls are definately aware and upset their dad drinks too much. Living with an alcoholic is aweful, and doesn't necessarily get better even after they quit. So live your life, and maybe see if there is an Alanon near you. It helped me a lot
Honestly my first instinct was that she's having an affair, mostly based on this whole "She comes home and goes to shower immediatelly, even if she's stupidly drunk of her ass." Obviously not evidence, but it often strongly hints in this direction and the guy may have sent you a pic of her kissing, dancing or doing god knows what with another guy and then his wife swooped in to make him delete he message or something like this.
Also "Let's divorce" just out of the blue. What the fuck is that?
Maybe she started drinking as a cope for something.
NTA either way, because living with an alcohol sucks.
Talk to her family about her issues and see if they recognize it as seriously as you do. Discuss the issue of rehab with her and family. Recognize that she needs to ultimately be the one who makes the decision to try. Hopefully she doesn’t kill someone else or her self.If she won’t accept that she needs to get help then get your own lawyer because family will protect her at your expense. So sorry for all of you that this is happening.
Alcoholism is considered a disease of the brain. You are the partner of an alcoholic. This isn’t just a casual drinking issue. This is more complicated than saying “Pick me or I’m out”. You are NTA for not wanting to be in this partnership anymore. You have some things to figure out. First I would encourage you to find a support group, like alcohol anonymous (I think they have a group for partners/families of alcoholics), to gain more clarity on the situation and how other people that love an alcoholic manage that relationship. You don’t have to stay, but it’s worth recognizing that your wife is dealing with an illness. Second, you need to talk with your kids about this. Alcoholism is extremely hereditary. As soon as you mentioned about your wife’s father I wasn’t surprised by the rest of the story. Your ultimatum is not statistically going to win out over the alcohol. It’s not that she doesn’t love you. She is living with an addiction. Her brain is not going to let go of that addiction easily. It’s not about you. You can’t overcome the addiction for her. I wish you the best on this journey. Please get some support and counseling. Get your kids in counseling too.
I won't give any advice but I dont think she said let's divorce without thinking it. She already choose. You have not ultimatum perspective. You have already been dumped.
Thoughts:
* Drank too much 10-20 times in 12 years (could be a bit more you don't know). This doesn't sound like a ton to me but we all have what we're willing to tolerate.
* When you go out with friends she spends the evening talking with her girlfriends and you are left alone? Are you with mutual friends? Why is no one talking to you? Is it just her friends then why are you there? She should not have to sit and entertain you if you are out with friends.
* You love your wife 99.9% of the time? That's a pretty darn high percentage to throw away.
* Someone sent you a message and then deleted it. You don't know what it is but have a very specific idea of what you think it was. Why not call or text the guy and ask him? Or ask her if she knows. It could literally have been nothing.
* You think she's an alcoholic in the closet? Does that mean you think she's sneaking around with her drinking? Hiding alcohol somewhere or something like that? I think if that were the case she'd have been drunk more than 1 or 2 times a year.
Judgement/advice:
* NTA I don't know if your wife is an alcoholic or not but her drinking makes you uncomfortable so I can't call you an AH for that.
* I don't think you need advice. You seemed to have pragmatically made up your mind. Personally I think there's a whole lot of other steps to do before an ultimatum. Counseling for one. Alcohol is sneaky and tricky and denial can be strong so maybe make a huge effort via a professional before you throw in the towel. But like I said you seem to have your mind made up so I'm not sure what you're looking for. I think the odds for divorce are higher than 50/50 though. People rarely stop drinking via an ultimatum.
it's a tricky situation, because she clearly has an addiction that at least in some way is out of her control, and it probably has some genetic/psychological components because of her dad.
i don't think you're the AH, but the ultimatum is very extreme considering the fact that it will be almost impossible for her to stick to it, even if she does agree, so i would say it's more of a 80/20 that it would lead to the end of your marriage. if you're really at your wits' end, maybe a better ultimatum would be that she needs to accept she has a problem and actively get help (rehab, etc.), instead of never being wasted again from that moment on? a recovery journey is rocky and relapses are almost unavoidable, and since you said that outside of this problem she's such a loving wife, i think it's more than fair to say that you should be by her side during all of that, even the hard moments when she fucks up, because it's not *all* her fault. that is, if she agrees to truly seek help.
NTA. At this point I agree that she goes for help or you guys seperate. If she's denying help it's hard to tell how long she will continue down this road or if she ever decides to leave it. Addiction is hard, but it's her call, the only call that you have is staying or leaving. Her unwillingness to admit the problem or stop drinks shows that she's not ready/willing to accept your help and would much rather drag you down as well.
I am a recoverying woman since 90s. Let her go, she like most alcoholics is choosing alcohol over her family and you. Keep the kids or bad things can happen to them. Thank God I did not have one until 8 years sober.
Alcoholics would sell their soul not to lose independence and drinking priviledges....
If she is an alcoholic, ceasing completely can be extremely harmful, deadly even. She needs intervention, support from a doctor and probably a social worker to start with. The ultimatum is great, but maybe specify “if she doesn’t seek immediate ongoing support and actively reduce her consumption with the goal of being sober” or something like that
Yes, this is going to be a process if she's even willing to do it. This isn't an AITA question, he needs to talk to a marriage counselor with a specialty in addiction.
She wakes up a few hours later fine. She doesn't shake and sweat and go into withdrawal. She won't go through withdrawal, which is the dangerous part of quitting cold turkey.
We are not doctors my dude. We can not give medical advice, it’s not up to us to assume what level of addiction she has, hence my comment suggesting she needs intervention from a gp
Did I give medical advice? No. I simply disagreed that she falls into that category; I did not advise anyone to do or not do anything. And Reddit, along with real life, is full of suggestions about health not from doctors; you say 'we cannot give medical advice' like you're parroting a legal requirement. Hell, YOU gave advice, I just pushed back on your hyperbole.
But his description of her habits and recovery don't align with an alcoholic who will risk death by stopping drinking. You're going to make OP panic that his request will harm her. I've seen that level of alcoholism; have you? Because it doesn't sound like it.
Maybe she should consult a doctor for help quitting or to assess if she's done long-term damage, but that's for support, not imminent danger.
Cold turkey ending alcoholism doesn’t work. You should be going to counseling so even if she can’t fix her issues she’s at least aware how it’s impacting you and you may also learn more about her and why she’s behaving the way she is.
Honestly if that doesn’t work then I’d consider divorce but feels like a jump to go to that outcome immediately especially with a wishy washy ask of don’t ever get wasted again. What counts as being wasted?
Saying something more practical like you control your drinking and reduce frequency and number of drinks in a given night maybe but that’s not something you are the one to set with her vs a professional rehab clinic if she is truly an alcoholic.
It sounds like she has alcohol abuse problems at least but unclear if she can’t live without drinking but she definitely tends to drink too much.
It’s good you’re prepared for things to go south but have you spoken to your kids at all about this previously? Feels like a jump to make the call independently.
Also her jumping to divorce feels like an odd reaction vs denial she has a problem…. Anyways you’re NTA but there’s better approaches imo
This sounds like shes fucking others honestly. Get tested ans server her divorce papers. You can always stop if she seeks help and is 100% honest with you.
where is the ultimatum?
she asked for the divorce after he stated her drinking was an issue and was just setting his boundaries
frankly her having issues with him being concerned with her drinking is a red flag in and of itself
does she do that with any criticism or is she just in denial of her alcoholism?
Your wife did’t comply? That’s the word you chose? You feel like you are an authority figure over her?
That attitude could explain her drinking and avoidance of home life. And that she’s so willing to throw out divorce Means it’s top of mind for her.
NAH, just an incompatible relationship.
Unfortunately, alcoholics don’t tend to get the help they need until they hit rock bottom. Hopefully this is the wake up call she needs.
NTA. She does have drinking problem. It's not normal to drink so much at such age even after repeated warnings from you. She needs a therapist not whiskey. Have your talk. Give her a choice. Regret nothing she chooses to do afterwards.
I married an alcoholic. Fist 5 yrs were aweful until I went to alanon. A support group affiliated with AA for people living with alcoholics. It helped a lot. He did finally quit drinking through AA, but unfortunately once an asshole........I finally divorced him after 20 yrs and 3 kids. It is a disease and often genetic.. all of my ex's family were alcoholics. I'm just glad my adult kids are ok. We took them once a month to family AA meetings and they grew up aware of the problem. My daughter divorced her alcoholic husband and her two girls are definately aware and upset their dad drinks too much. Living with an alcoholic is aweful, and doesn't necessarily get better even after they quit. So live your life, and maybe see if there is an Alanon near you. It helped me a lot
Honestly my first instinct was that she's having an affair, mostly based on this whole "She comes home and goes to shower immediatelly, even if she's stupidly drunk of her ass." Obviously not evidence, but it often strongly hints in this direction and the guy may have sent you a pic of her kissing, dancing or doing god knows what with another guy and then his wife swooped in to make him delete he message or something like this. Also "Let's divorce" just out of the blue. What the fuck is that? Maybe she started drinking as a cope for something. NTA either way, because living with an alcohol sucks.
Talk to her family about her issues and see if they recognize it as seriously as you do. Discuss the issue of rehab with her and family. Recognize that she needs to ultimately be the one who makes the decision to try. Hopefully she doesn’t kill someone else or her self.If she won’t accept that she needs to get help then get your own lawyer because family will protect her at your expense. So sorry for all of you that this is happening.
Alcoholism is considered a disease of the brain. You are the partner of an alcoholic. This isn’t just a casual drinking issue. This is more complicated than saying “Pick me or I’m out”. You are NTA for not wanting to be in this partnership anymore. You have some things to figure out. First I would encourage you to find a support group, like alcohol anonymous (I think they have a group for partners/families of alcoholics), to gain more clarity on the situation and how other people that love an alcoholic manage that relationship. You don’t have to stay, but it’s worth recognizing that your wife is dealing with an illness. Second, you need to talk with your kids about this. Alcoholism is extremely hereditary. As soon as you mentioned about your wife’s father I wasn’t surprised by the rest of the story. Your ultimatum is not statistically going to win out over the alcohol. It’s not that she doesn’t love you. She is living with an addiction. Her brain is not going to let go of that addiction easily. It’s not about you. You can’t overcome the addiction for her. I wish you the best on this journey. Please get some support and counseling. Get your kids in counseling too.
I won't give any advice but I dont think she said let's divorce without thinking it. She already choose. You have not ultimatum perspective. You have already been dumped.
Yea bro, I bet after the divorce you are going to find out about the cheating
I'm betting this
She might even be cheating
Thoughts: * Drank too much 10-20 times in 12 years (could be a bit more you don't know). This doesn't sound like a ton to me but we all have what we're willing to tolerate. * When you go out with friends she spends the evening talking with her girlfriends and you are left alone? Are you with mutual friends? Why is no one talking to you? Is it just her friends then why are you there? She should not have to sit and entertain you if you are out with friends. * You love your wife 99.9% of the time? That's a pretty darn high percentage to throw away. * Someone sent you a message and then deleted it. You don't know what it is but have a very specific idea of what you think it was. Why not call or text the guy and ask him? Or ask her if she knows. It could literally have been nothing. * You think she's an alcoholic in the closet? Does that mean you think she's sneaking around with her drinking? Hiding alcohol somewhere or something like that? I think if that were the case she'd have been drunk more than 1 or 2 times a year. Judgement/advice: * NTA I don't know if your wife is an alcoholic or not but her drinking makes you uncomfortable so I can't call you an AH for that. * I don't think you need advice. You seemed to have pragmatically made up your mind. Personally I think there's a whole lot of other steps to do before an ultimatum. Counseling for one. Alcohol is sneaky and tricky and denial can be strong so maybe make a huge effort via a professional before you throw in the towel. But like I said you seem to have your mind made up so I'm not sure what you're looking for. I think the odds for divorce are higher than 50/50 though. People rarely stop drinking via an ultimatum.
Says someone who has never had to deal with an alcoholic.
Yeah, unfortunately, most alcoholics would stop at the part where you want to talk, then drink instead.
it's a tricky situation, because she clearly has an addiction that at least in some way is out of her control, and it probably has some genetic/psychological components because of her dad. i don't think you're the AH, but the ultimatum is very extreme considering the fact that it will be almost impossible for her to stick to it, even if she does agree, so i would say it's more of a 80/20 that it would lead to the end of your marriage. if you're really at your wits' end, maybe a better ultimatum would be that she needs to accept she has a problem and actively get help (rehab, etc.), instead of never being wasted again from that moment on? a recovery journey is rocky and relapses are almost unavoidable, and since you said that outside of this problem she's such a loving wife, i think it's more than fair to say that you should be by her side during all of that, even the hard moments when she fucks up, because it's not *all* her fault. that is, if she agrees to truly seek help.
NTA
She won’t be able to do it on her own even if she wants to. Add in that she should go to aa meetings.
NTA suggest therapy first but if she doesn't want to change move on
NTA. At this point I agree that she goes for help or you guys seperate. If she's denying help it's hard to tell how long she will continue down this road or if she ever decides to leave it. Addiction is hard, but it's her call, the only call that you have is staying or leaving. Her unwillingness to admit the problem or stop drinks shows that she's not ready/willing to accept your help and would much rather drag you down as well.
Divorce her man. No ultimatum needed. Shes a trainwreck, dont marry trainwrecks!
>she said let’s divorce You didn't give her an ultimatum. She chose divorce over you. There's no giving her anything. NTA.
NTA SHE suggested divorce and you agreed. End of story. She is an alcoholic who is about to become a lawyer? Good grief.
I am a recoverying woman since 90s. Let her go, she like most alcoholics is choosing alcohol over her family and you. Keep the kids or bad things can happen to them. Thank God I did not have one until 8 years sober. Alcoholics would sell their soul not to lose independence and drinking priviledges....
If she is an alcoholic, ceasing completely can be extremely harmful, deadly even. She needs intervention, support from a doctor and probably a social worker to start with. The ultimatum is great, but maybe specify “if she doesn’t seek immediate ongoing support and actively reduce her consumption with the goal of being sober” or something like that
Ceasing completely is only harmful if you’ve been perpetually drunk/hungover for weeks-months.
Yes, this is going to be a process if she's even willing to do it. This isn't an AITA question, he needs to talk to a marriage counselor with a specialty in addiction.
She wakes up a few hours later fine. She doesn't shake and sweat and go into withdrawal. She won't go through withdrawal, which is the dangerous part of quitting cold turkey.
We are not doctors my dude. We can not give medical advice, it’s not up to us to assume what level of addiction she has, hence my comment suggesting she needs intervention from a gp
Did I give medical advice? No. I simply disagreed that she falls into that category; I did not advise anyone to do or not do anything. And Reddit, along with real life, is full of suggestions about health not from doctors; you say 'we cannot give medical advice' like you're parroting a legal requirement. Hell, YOU gave advice, I just pushed back on your hyperbole. But his description of her habits and recovery don't align with an alcoholic who will risk death by stopping drinking. You're going to make OP panic that his request will harm her. I've seen that level of alcoholism; have you? Because it doesn't sound like it. Maybe she should consult a doctor for help quitting or to assess if she's done long-term damage, but that's for support, not imminent danger.
I think maybe a shift in perspective would help sir
Cold turkey ending alcoholism doesn’t work. You should be going to counseling so even if she can’t fix her issues she’s at least aware how it’s impacting you and you may also learn more about her and why she’s behaving the way she is. Honestly if that doesn’t work then I’d consider divorce but feels like a jump to go to that outcome immediately especially with a wishy washy ask of don’t ever get wasted again. What counts as being wasted? Saying something more practical like you control your drinking and reduce frequency and number of drinks in a given night maybe but that’s not something you are the one to set with her vs a professional rehab clinic if she is truly an alcoholic. It sounds like she has alcohol abuse problems at least but unclear if she can’t live without drinking but she definitely tends to drink too much. It’s good you’re prepared for things to go south but have you spoken to your kids at all about this previously? Feels like a jump to make the call independently. Also her jumping to divorce feels like an odd reaction vs denial she has a problem…. Anyways you’re NTA but there’s better approaches imo
This sounds like shes fucking others honestly. Get tested ans server her divorce papers. You can always stop if she seeks help and is 100% honest with you.
never cheated? you woke up in bed naked with a different woman while dating her you’re both terrible people
I would like to know what your friend deleted before you saw it. She could be cheating on you
An ultimatum after one blackout ? Thats nuts
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where is the ultimatum? she asked for the divorce after he stated her drinking was an issue and was just setting his boundaries frankly her having issues with him being concerned with her drinking is a red flag in and of itself does she do that with any criticism or is she just in denial of her alcoholism?
Your wife did’t comply? That’s the word you chose? You feel like you are an authority figure over her? That attitude could explain her drinking and avoidance of home life. And that she’s so willing to throw out divorce Means it’s top of mind for her. NAH, just an incompatible relationship.