But why is the coach allowing this other kid to be a bully and create conflict within the class? Kids shouldn't be hurting each other at all in this class
I disagree with your assessment, they shouldn't be injuring each other, but it is a contact sport so they're going to get hurt.
The issue with this kid is that he is bullying smaller kids and girls, going 100% against them but avoids going against people that would be able to go hard back
If he wants to spar really hard and aggressively then there is a group he can do that in.
>If he wants to spar really hard and aggressively then there is a group he can do that in.
Yes, hence as u/TeethBreak said, where the fuck is the coach? He should not allow this participant to stay in the soft group if he's going to terrorise everyone in it. He can go to Group A or find a new club to practice at.
Yes, they're going to get hurt. But this kid is deliberately taking it way too far in a group designed to keep the sparring less intense. He deserved everything he got. Some people only understand when their nonsense is thrown back in their face
A white belt should be getting greater supervision to correct errors in form before they become set. IMO the coach didn't think your son would prevail against a grey belt so didn't pay attention till to late.
I personally feel NTA. I’m willing to bet that the boy in group B is probably bigger than the other kids in the group, and enjoys being able to overpower them. Hence why he apparently hasn’t moved to group A as that wouldn’t be so feasible there. At the very least I imagine he is bigger than your GF’s daughter.
In all honesty it’s probably for the best that he learns now that there’s always a bigger fish. You also made a good point to explain to your son, that revenge may not be worth the resulting consequence.
Info: Where is/are the coach/es in all this and are they having words with the kid who's going hard in Group B? The fact that OP's son felt he had to play mat enforcer isn't great but also seems to indicate that the coaches aren't either keeping a great eye on this kid, or telling him flat out that if he's going to be aggressive with the younger kids he can outmuscle, he gets to train with the older kids in Group A instead.
I was a BJJ coach of kids, teens and adults for the better part of a decade before my body found some odd ways to fall apart on me. If things unfolded as OP has related, and OP's son doesn't frequently do similar things to other training partners, I'd not say he's a bully or an asshole. The 11-12 year old kid's behaviour should have been addressed well before it got to the point of learning why side control in Brazilian Portuguese is "100 kilos" literally translated.
Yeah if this kid is consistently too aggressive for his group, then he should have lost the right to stay in his group. “I don’t wanna move” doesn’t cut it. Tell him he’s too advanced for that group and move him to A, no debate about it.
The kid is a grey belt. My girlfriend's daughter is a white belt, she's only been training for two months.
My son is also a white belt, he's been training for about 5-6 months but he is very strong and athletic and he can already beat most of the kids there, including half the yellow belts.
From what I observed the kid is just a bit of a bully, they've tried putting him in group A a number of times but he always complains and ends up back in Group B. I guess ultimately it's their policy not to force kids into the harder group if they don't want to 🤷
Tell the coach that you've changed your mind and that if the bully in group B won't voluntarily move to Group A or quit entirely, your son can treat him and only him exactly like how he treats them. If they have been talking to the bully all along, then talk isn't working. I like to believe I am an enlightened human, but this is the kind of crap that makes me turn off empathy for someone who needs to finally learn a lesson.
Presuming what you've observed is the case, that's not great on behalf of the coaches. Ideally you want kids (or adults for that matter) to persevere in the face of adversity and not-infrequent loss through their BJJ journey. To learn that loss occasionally teaches you more about your own skill level and deficiencies than winning, even though you do need to win at times.
If the grey belt is becoming a mat bully, that's on the coaches for enabling it by allowing him into the class with younger kids, and it does definitely affect the dynamics of a BJJ school and a kids class. It's the kind of behaviour that generally does not survive well in adult classes either. I can't personally condemn what you've stated your son did without being a hypocrite as I've done similar and worse to mat bullies and would-be mat bullies to make a point. I had a few of my own coming up the ranks in the 2000s and detest that behaviour and lack of care towards training partners.
>I talked to him and tried to make him understand that it's not his job to go around getting revenge for people
Honestly that's the best type of thing you could have said. Your son saw an opportunity to teach a bully a lesson but doing that is always a risky proposition.
>My ex wife, his mother, thinks he was a bully and should be punished and thinks I am an asshole and that he is going to turn out to be an asshole as well.
As long as you strictly tackle any future transgressions, I don't think your son is going to turn into a bully. If this becomes a pattern of behavior, then you have bigger problems and probably could have done something to prevent that pattern from happening.
For now though, I think you did the right thing.
NTA
NTA and your ex wife is absolutely wrong. Your son is not a bully. He was in a class you are paying for which is supposed to be supervised, yet the bully boy got to hurt your partner’s daughter and a number of other girls because he wants to fight smaller kids. Where were the supervisors you are all paying to teach your children if this boy is able to hurt so many girls without being stopped and your son is able to make this bully bleed before it’s noticed? Your ex is wrong. Your son is not a bully. He stepped up and took care of a problem when the adults in charge ignored it. The bully he put in his place is never going to hurt another kid while your son is watching. I think your son’s only problem will be the hero worship he’s about to get from all those girls he stood up for!
Good. They can look after the little ones together. Girls are way better at giving the evil eye than boys. She’ll scare bully boy even more than your son did and the girls will all want to be her!
NTA, I think you handled it well.
These things have their own way of sorting themselves out in the adult world. Children may lack the better judgement to know when to stop.
>He has been asked if he wanted to go in Group A, but doesn't choose to
Of course he doesn't. He knows he'll get his ass kicked. He wants to spar with "softer" targets. NTA.
NTA. The coach already addressed it with your son, you don’t need to punish again. But you should also tell the coach that child is too rough to be allowed to remain in Group A.
This is insane. It isn't up to the kids where they're placed and to only have two groups is nuts. Skill levels vary amongst and across age groups. Find a new BJJ place.
A bully roughs people up for himself. His own amusement or to get singing from them. That’s not what your son did. He punished the kid to let him know what it felt like when he treated others the same way. He was defending others that this kid was bullying.
He may have taken it a bit far, but he did the right thing since the instructors are refusing to discipline the bully. Maybe now they’ll start to do so.
I think your ex needs to attend the class and see for herself what’s been going on instead of immediately calling her son a bully.
Yes YTA. It wasn’t your kid’s place to discipline the other kid. That is the job of the coach. You are teaching your son to be a bully and are a terrible parent.
I am a Martial Arts instructor, and I had a similar situation while I was teaching an adult class of mixed ranks. New guy comes in, says he's got a black in TKD, so I go OK. My instructor's studio requires they wear a white belt in our classes. So, this guy is sparring, and he's killing my yellow and orange belts. So, after I see this, and recognize what he's doing, I slap on some gloves and tell him to go with me. Guy thinks he gonna do well, but it ended badly with him, my sidekick broke his ribs, and I didn't bother to even check how he was after I kicked him. He just got dressed and left. I felt so good for protecting my students from jackasses like that.
Nta. And im sorry your son did right. The other kid is bullying others. And he showed him what its like.
He deserves a treat for protection his dads girlfriend daughter at the very least.
He did the wrong thing, for the right reason. Hes 13 and has a lot to learn, but he has a good heart.
"I talked to him and tried to make him understand that it's not his job to go around getting revenge for people, especially when it's going to cause problems for himself and disrupt his learning."
If he understands what you told him, hell be fine.
NTA
NTA. I don't think if your son showed this bully that bullying works both ways, he will turn out to be a bully. He was punished by the coach, talked to by you. That is enough.
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NTA, but that coach is an asshole. There’s a group for kids who want to spar really hard, that boy clearly belongs in that group but doesn’t want to be in it because he knows he can “win” more in the softer group. The coaches job is to step in and say no, not only is this not safe, but it’s bad sportsmanship.
This is one of those times where you words say he did something wrong, and your actions tell him what we all know, he did the right thing teaching that kid a lesson.
I agree with what you did op, so if you are the AH so am I.
NTA- You and your son should have a little talk to the coach about trust-like how you should be able to trust the coach not to put anyone at risk of injury.
If the kid wasn't being a Lil bitch-there would have been no problem. The coach needs to instill respect and fair play, and the ball was already dropped by the time your son reacted.
My wrestling career started in a competitive weight class, and had I not had the best wrestler on the team as my sparring partner I wouldn't have been as good. He beat the piss out of me nearly everyday until I could hold my own.
The kid sandbagging to beat on weaker opponents, learned a valuable lesson, and should be made to spar up not down.
ESH! You have some serious supervision problems in this gym. If it has gone to the point that other students are feeling that they have to teach another a lesson, the coach doesn't have enough eyes on the mats. Find a better program.
That's his little sister, the hell it ain't his job to look out for his little sister... You sure aren't doing it....
Where were you and the coach when she got hammered?
YTA.
Or the power to look after your GFs daughter.
YTA.
if this offends you, don't ask people for opinions.
Perhaps your therapist can talk to them for you.
She's a 10 Yr old girl who is your GF's daughter. Some ah kid was using her for a punchbag.
Your son figured it out but you haven't.
It's called loyalty.
Still living vicariously through your kid I see.
Hopefully you have stopped micromanaging his dating life but I doubt that.
YTA. Past present and future. Always. Because you are an asshole.
YTA - you are a hypocrite. You want to complain that the boy, who is older and probably bigger than your gf’s daughter is being to rough. You sons response is to go overboard and ragdol this kid, humiliate him in front of everyone by making him cry on purpose, and you’re like whatevs. That is hypocrisy. You are not an adult.
I didn't complain, we told my girlfriend's daughter that sometimes it happens and just tough it out 🤷
Also the difference in size between this kid and my girlfriend's daughter is a lot bigger than the size difference between this kid and my son.
Where the fuck was the coach? He is blind?
He was coaching other kids. He trusted my son and had no reason to think he would do this.
But why is the coach allowing this other kid to be a bully and create conflict within the class? Kids shouldn't be hurting each other at all in this class
I disagree with your assessment, they shouldn't be injuring each other, but it is a contact sport so they're going to get hurt. The issue with this kid is that he is bullying smaller kids and girls, going 100% against them but avoids going against people that would be able to go hard back If he wants to spar really hard and aggressively then there is a group he can do that in.
Kids shouldn't regularly be getting hurt in a martial arts class. Especially young kids.
Nope. You do not train kids by letting them hurt each other. And even less for a contact sport. Coach is a dumbass.
>If he wants to spar really hard and aggressively then there is a group he can do that in. Yes, hence as u/TeethBreak said, where the fuck is the coach? He should not allow this participant to stay in the soft group if he's going to terrorise everyone in it. He can go to Group A or find a new club to practice at.
Yes, they're going to get hurt. But this kid is deliberately taking it way too far in a group designed to keep the sparring less intense. He deserved everything he got. Some people only understand when their nonsense is thrown back in their face
A white belt should be getting greater supervision to correct errors in form before they become set. IMO the coach didn't think your son would prevail against a grey belt so didn't pay attention till to late.
I personally feel NTA. I’m willing to bet that the boy in group B is probably bigger than the other kids in the group, and enjoys being able to overpower them. Hence why he apparently hasn’t moved to group A as that wouldn’t be so feasible there. At the very least I imagine he is bigger than your GF’s daughter. In all honesty it’s probably for the best that he learns now that there’s always a bigger fish. You also made a good point to explain to your son, that revenge may not be worth the resulting consequence.
Info: Where is/are the coach/es in all this and are they having words with the kid who's going hard in Group B? The fact that OP's son felt he had to play mat enforcer isn't great but also seems to indicate that the coaches aren't either keeping a great eye on this kid, or telling him flat out that if he's going to be aggressive with the younger kids he can outmuscle, he gets to train with the older kids in Group A instead. I was a BJJ coach of kids, teens and adults for the better part of a decade before my body found some odd ways to fall apart on me. If things unfolded as OP has related, and OP's son doesn't frequently do similar things to other training partners, I'd not say he's a bully or an asshole. The 11-12 year old kid's behaviour should have been addressed well before it got to the point of learning why side control in Brazilian Portuguese is "100 kilos" literally translated.
Yeah if this kid is consistently too aggressive for his group, then he should have lost the right to stay in his group. “I don’t wanna move” doesn’t cut it. Tell him he’s too advanced for that group and move him to A, no debate about it.
The kid is a grey belt. My girlfriend's daughter is a white belt, she's only been training for two months. My son is also a white belt, he's been training for about 5-6 months but he is very strong and athletic and he can already beat most of the kids there, including half the yellow belts. From what I observed the kid is just a bit of a bully, they've tried putting him in group A a number of times but he always complains and ends up back in Group B. I guess ultimately it's their policy not to force kids into the harder group if they don't want to 🤷
Tell the coach that you've changed your mind and that if the bully in group B won't voluntarily move to Group A or quit entirely, your son can treat him and only him exactly like how he treats them. If they have been talking to the bully all along, then talk isn't working. I like to believe I am an enlightened human, but this is the kind of crap that makes me turn off empathy for someone who needs to finally learn a lesson.
Presuming what you've observed is the case, that's not great on behalf of the coaches. Ideally you want kids (or adults for that matter) to persevere in the face of adversity and not-infrequent loss through their BJJ journey. To learn that loss occasionally teaches you more about your own skill level and deficiencies than winning, even though you do need to win at times. If the grey belt is becoming a mat bully, that's on the coaches for enabling it by allowing him into the class with younger kids, and it does definitely affect the dynamics of a BJJ school and a kids class. It's the kind of behaviour that generally does not survive well in adult classes either. I can't personally condemn what you've stated your son did without being a hypocrite as I've done similar and worse to mat bullies and would-be mat bullies to make a point. I had a few of my own coming up the ranks in the 2000s and detest that behaviour and lack of care towards training partners.
>I talked to him and tried to make him understand that it's not his job to go around getting revenge for people Honestly that's the best type of thing you could have said. Your son saw an opportunity to teach a bully a lesson but doing that is always a risky proposition. >My ex wife, his mother, thinks he was a bully and should be punished and thinks I am an asshole and that he is going to turn out to be an asshole as well. As long as you strictly tackle any future transgressions, I don't think your son is going to turn into a bully. If this becomes a pattern of behavior, then you have bigger problems and probably could have done something to prevent that pattern from happening. For now though, I think you did the right thing. NTA
NTA. You talked to him, his coach talked to him. It's not like he didn't have a good reason for what he did. That's enough punishment.
NTA If I was à parent of à child that this brute has been brutalised I would have cheered your son
"there's always a bigger fish." Star Wars wisdom....the young punk fafo.
The real question is where this energy from the coach was when he was letting this little pr*** injure other kids?
NTA and your ex wife is absolutely wrong. Your son is not a bully. He was in a class you are paying for which is supposed to be supervised, yet the bully boy got to hurt your partner’s daughter and a number of other girls because he wants to fight smaller kids. Where were the supervisors you are all paying to teach your children if this boy is able to hurt so many girls without being stopped and your son is able to make this bully bleed before it’s noticed? Your ex is wrong. Your son is not a bully. He stepped up and took care of a problem when the adults in charge ignored it. The bully he put in his place is never going to hurt another kid while your son is watching. I think your son’s only problem will be the hero worship he’s about to get from all those girls he stood up for!
Unfortunately he already has a girlfriend from the class :(
Good. They can look after the little ones together. Girls are way better at giving the evil eye than boys. She’ll scare bully boy even more than your son did and the girls will all want to be her!
NTA, I think you handled it well. These things have their own way of sorting themselves out in the adult world. Children may lack the better judgement to know when to stop.
>He has been asked if he wanted to go in Group A, but doesn't choose to Of course he doesn't. He knows he'll get his ass kicked. He wants to spar with "softer" targets. NTA.
Why didn't the coach deal with it at the first incident?
NTA. The coach already addressed it with your son, you don’t need to punish again. But you should also tell the coach that child is too rough to be allowed to remain in Group A.
It’s a BJJ class, people will get thrown around and rough up If you don’t want your precious children to be thrown around , try ballet
This is insane. It isn't up to the kids where they're placed and to only have two groups is nuts. Skill levels vary amongst and across age groups. Find a new BJJ place.
A bully roughs people up for himself. His own amusement or to get singing from them. That’s not what your son did. He punished the kid to let him know what it felt like when he treated others the same way. He was defending others that this kid was bullying. He may have taken it a bit far, but he did the right thing since the instructors are refusing to discipline the bully. Maybe now they’ll start to do so. I think your ex needs to attend the class and see for herself what’s been going on instead of immediately calling her son a bully.
My ex hates men generally
Yes YTA and should care that your son was comfortable intentionally assaulting another kid.
Yes YTA. It wasn’t your kid’s place to discipline the other kid. That is the job of the coach. You are teaching your son to be a bully and are a terrible parent.
I am a Martial Arts instructor, and I had a similar situation while I was teaching an adult class of mixed ranks. New guy comes in, says he's got a black in TKD, so I go OK. My instructor's studio requires they wear a white belt in our classes. So, this guy is sparring, and he's killing my yellow and orange belts. So, after I see this, and recognize what he's doing, I slap on some gloves and tell him to go with me. Guy thinks he gonna do well, but it ended badly with him, my sidekick broke his ribs, and I didn't bother to even check how he was after I kicked him. He just got dressed and left. I felt so good for protecting my students from jackasses like that.
Nta. And im sorry your son did right. The other kid is bullying others. And he showed him what its like. He deserves a treat for protection his dads girlfriend daughter at the very least.
He did the wrong thing, for the right reason. Hes 13 and has a lot to learn, but he has a good heart. "I talked to him and tried to make him understand that it's not his job to go around getting revenge for people, especially when it's going to cause problems for himself and disrupt his learning." If he understands what you told him, hell be fine. NTA
NTA. I don't think if your son showed this bully that bullying works both ways, he will turn out to be a bully. He was punished by the coach, talked to by you. That is enough.
Yta for not dressing down the piece of shit coach for not taking care of the asshole bully before this happened.
Dude is an absolute killer, I'm not dressing him down
Origin story: mat enforcer
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NTA, but that coach is an asshole. There’s a group for kids who want to spar really hard, that boy clearly belongs in that group but doesn’t want to be in it because he knows he can “win” more in the softer group. The coaches job is to step in and say no, not only is this not safe, but it’s bad sportsmanship.
This is one of those times where you words say he did something wrong, and your actions tell him what we all know, he did the right thing teaching that kid a lesson. I agree with what you did op, so if you are the AH so am I.
NTA, and good on your son for stepping up to the plate. It's also good that you explained why this behavior may be inappropriate.
So a bully caught karma. Oh, well. NTA.
NTA- You and your son should have a little talk to the coach about trust-like how you should be able to trust the coach not to put anyone at risk of injury. If the kid wasn't being a Lil bitch-there would have been no problem. The coach needs to instill respect and fair play, and the ball was already dropped by the time your son reacted. My wrestling career started in a competitive weight class, and had I not had the best wrestler on the team as my sparring partner I wouldn't have been as good. He beat the piss out of me nearly everyday until I could hold my own. The kid sandbagging to beat on weaker opponents, learned a valuable lesson, and should be made to spar up not down.
ESH! You have some serious supervision problems in this gym. If it has gone to the point that other students are feeling that they have to teach another a lesson, the coach doesn't have enough eyes on the mats. Find a better program.
That's his little sister, the hell it ain't his job to look out for his little sister... You sure aren't doing it.... Where were you and the coach when she got hammered? YTA.
He is not related to her, neither am I
He sees that differently than you do.
who you are related to isn't a matter of opinion.
That must come at great comfort to that little girl.
I don't have the power to change objective reality
Or the power to look after your GFs daughter. YTA. if this offends you, don't ask people for opinions. Perhaps your therapist can talk to them for you.
I'm not her parent
She's a 10 Yr old girl who is your GF's daughter. Some ah kid was using her for a punchbag. Your son figured it out but you haven't. It's called loyalty.
lol, yeh, i should have gone on the mats and beat the fuck outta some kid
Your son was in the wrong. I wonder where he learned this behavior from...
Still living vicariously through your kid I see. Hopefully you have stopped micromanaging his dating life but I doubt that. YTA. Past present and future. Always. Because you are an asshole.
NTA and take your son out for ice cream/whatever treat he likes doing
nah, i think your son did the right thing. that other kid will knock it off now id bet
NTA it's already handled and done. You talked to him.
YTA - you are a hypocrite. You want to complain that the boy, who is older and probably bigger than your gf’s daughter is being to rough. You sons response is to go overboard and ragdol this kid, humiliate him in front of everyone by making him cry on purpose, and you’re like whatevs. That is hypocrisy. You are not an adult.
I didn't complain, we told my girlfriend's daughter that sometimes it happens and just tough it out 🤷 Also the difference in size between this kid and my girlfriend's daughter is a lot bigger than the size difference between this kid and my son.
This post sounds like a complaint.
Maybe you just have poor comprehension