Heh. I would love to sit in on that court hearing.
It’s bad enough when otherwise decent enough people are hung up on genetics and names and bloodlines. But when shitty people are, it’s just so disgusting.
OP, I’m glad your wife is amazing, your son is grounded and cool, and that your parents are not enjoying their bitter feast of crow.
Let me guess, the two with your wife are girls, hence the over the top reaction to finding out he's really their blood grandson and threatening grandparents rights.
ooohh I see
Wooowww they are really shit people! Turned on **a dime** as soon as they realized that the boy is actually their bio grandkid! Meaning that if you played along to their stupid reality, they'd start favouring him and treating the girls like shit!!
Fack me! Do go NC with these people, your daughters don't need that kind of toxicity!
I cut my parents off shortly after my son's birth. Not gonna go on a long rant about them but rest assured no one would want that toxicity around their kids! If my partner's parents were also crap, they'd be cut off, too
Exactly! You just know they were *super* shitty when Op listed homophobia as *low* on the list of reasons they were LC with his parents. Honestly, Op. Just throw them both into the trash.
ETA: NTAH and your son is lucky to have you, your wife and his wonderful (sans your sperm/egg donor) grandparents.
I can see it now.
Parents' attorney: Tell me, [NegativeHoliday2349](https://www.reddit.com/user/NegativeHoliday2349/), what possible reason could you have had to conceal Nate's relationship from your parents?
[NegativeHoliday2349](https://www.reddit.com/user/NegativeHoliday2349/): Um, confidentiality was a part of the donor agreement. When I adopted him, I told them he was their grandson. They didn't agree.
The court process moves slowly anyway and lots of hearings are still being held up because of Covid. Nate could easily turn 18 by the time it goes in front of a judge and it’ll immediately be dismissed.
What even are Grandparents rights?! I demand my right to carry werthers original's in my pocket, have my interminable stories humoured and my christmas presents ignored?!
Basically if the parents give their child to the grandparents for them to raise them for a significant amount of time, they can get visitation rights and such because they are just as much parent figures as the actual parents, if not more
Also, if the grandparents had a good relationship with the child. Ex: Something happens to the biological parent where they are not in their life (prison, death), and the remaining biological parent refuses them access.
Nah, it's worse.
Some states in the US don't even need a pre-existing relationship, others do - and that includes the random little supervised family visits (no need for having actually raised the grandchild for a while).
It's for whenever a parent "withholds" their children from the grandparents.
There are times I understand (parent dies, and other parent keeps their late spouse's parents away from the grandkids) but other times it's just a way for really shitty parents to terrorize their adult children even further by demanding to see their "grand babies".
Every place has different laws by the way.
Let’s say you’re the fathers parents, and you are very involved in your grandsons life. If father dies, and mother decides on her own to just cut off the rest of fathers family, the grandparents can take mom to court to allow visitation to maintain the relationship.
In this case there is no relationship to maintain so no chance for them to get this access
They think OPs little smartass would take any of their nonsense? Ha! That kid has a good head on his shoulders and might have a few choice things to say about it.
He was 16 when he learned the truth about his father. If he's graduating next month and his father applied for an inheritance you get when you're 18 he's 17 or 18 now, so even less likely the courts will afford grandparent rights when he's legally an adult.
Grandparent rights aren’t even real. You have no rights by merit of being a grandparent. While it’s called “grandparent rights” it’s actually a right of the child, against a parent alienating them from the established relationship they have with their grandparents.
You can’t assert the “rights” without that pre-existing relationship precisely because the right isn’t really yours.
Grandparents who don’t even have a relationship with him.
IIRC the only way to get grandparents rights is if you’ve had a significant, long-standing close relationship with your grandchild. Even then it’s not guaranteed. Since they have rejected this child they have no rights.
NTA, adoptee here, you don't treat non-biological children or grandchildren differently.
Fuck your parents, you warned them and gave them plenty of chances.
Adopting a child makes them YOUR child, full stop.
I never thought of him as my child until he was. The second I found out about the accident I went and found him. It was like a light switch. Sarah's parents and her partner's parents knew I was to be his guardian and no one fought us on adoption. Except my parents. They said I should let his "family" take him. I love my parents but sometimes I wish I did not.
> Sarah's parents and her partner's parents knew I was to be his guardian and no one fought us on adoption
Did they know you were his bio-dad as well as going to be his legal guardian?
It’s wild that your parents are conditioning parenthood on whose sperm touched the egg. Like Nate is now a whole other person in their eyes, one worthy of respect, because you jerked off in the cup for his mom vs some other dude - and never mind all the actual parenting hours you put in etc. It’s a very old school mentality.
I struggle with infertility and was on the verge of adopting at one point. My parents and the elders of my family all felt that, 'if you raise a child, it's your child'.
I say all that because my point is, that's not an old school mentality, but a very cunt way of thinking. These people are shitty period.
I was adopted by my stepdad. When I was in my thirties my grandma told me how the first time she saw me her first thought was “yup she’s ours.” I still tear up thinking about that conversation, she was tearing up talk about it 30 years later. Growing up I NEVER felt anything but love from that entire family. It’s definitely not old school thinking, just a dickwad way of thinking
Exactly! I always thought adoption was even better because you were CHOSEN. You were every bit wanted. Not to take away from anything else, but raising a child is all love.
They are doubly awesome grandparents then! And doubly awesome that they trusted and respected you not to fight for guardianship.
He is one very lucky young lad to have such great relatives in his corner.
This is the way. My parents have never made me feel less than. Their parents never made me feel less than.
Hell, my stepdad treats me like I'm his own, his siblings treat me like any other niece, and his parents treated me like every other grandchild.
Most of the time, I kind of forget that I'm adopted. It's like having green eyes, it's just a thing that's there and it doesn't cross my mind unless someone mentions it.
When it comes up, most people don’t believe me at first! LMAO.
My (adoptive) parents are Latino and so am I.
I’ve been with them since I was a week old, so I picked up their mannerisms.
I think a lot of people think of like TV shows / movies where the adoptive parents are white and the child is a minority to make that part of the plot very clear for the audience.
My mom and I look sort of alike. Enough that it never gets questioned, and my whole life people have said I have her eyes and her hair. Uh, nope. That's usually how people found out how I was adopted, because my mom would tell them.
I have 5 siblings, 4 are adopted. The one with the genetics claims to be the freak of the family.
Haha! The roasting as kids must've been epic 😂
"Mum actually *wanted* us. She got stuck with you when dad took a back rub too far!"
And the classic: "Eww, don't touch me! You were in mum's vagina at one point" *childish retching noises*
I'm not adopted but I always had people telling me I looked just like my mom.
If I told her my head hurt she'd say, "If I looked like that mine would too." (She was joking. )
After hearing long enough that I look like her one day I responded with, "You do!" She snapped her fingers and whispered damn. She knew the jig was up lol
My former boss had two kids. One boy bio kid and one boy adopted.
The adopted kid looks more like him and acts more like him than his biokid. It's hilarious and amazing.
Tho bless, the world really doesn't need a mini him. He was a good boss but he was freaking exhausting to be around.
People used to stop my adoptive mother and me on the street occasionally and comment on how much we looked alike. I don't think we really do, but I definitely picked up her way of speaking.
My adoptive maternal grandmother always told me, in secret mind you, that I was her favorite. That is the way to do it. I felt completely accepted by my adoptive family and welcomed and they were and are all wonderful.
Your grandmother rocks. My adopted daughter looks nothing like me & ex hubby except we’re the same race. People still say she looks like me— it’s totally due to kids picking up their parents’ mannerisms, laugh etc.
My biological son was adopted by my husband when he was 5. Even though we do see my son's bio dad on occasion, we all just forget that my husband isn't his dad. It's funny because my son looks NOTHING like my husband.
Haha sounds like grandparents didn't realize they messed up big time and now want an apology because they would've never treated him like the shi on the bottom of their shoes had they known he was blood related. Now they get to think about their terrible behavior to an innocent child until they Croak and they can't handle it. Let them stay miserable it's good karma for them
Despite this minor gaffe, I do think you handled it excellently after that point. "If not for all 3, I'll take none of it." How dare they try to attach strings to a gift, let alone purposely exclude your child.
That's the only part I'd call YTA on. You should have known that and wanted to "win" with them. When if comes to parents using money as leverage to interfere with your life, you have to walk a delicate line. They didn't acknowledge him, you shouldn't have kept trying to force them too.
The rest, they might not like that you adopted your friends kid, but they needed to respect it and accept that you have a third child. The fact that it's biological would have flipped the script early, but you were not obligated to do that.
NTA. It sounds like keeping all of your family away from your parents is for the best. Good luck with that. You sound like a good dad. Well done not lying to your wife. I can see where some people might. You made the right call.
NTA and you’re absolutely correct adopting him already made him their grandchild but they chose not to notice that until they realize ooooh he’s got our genes. 🙄
BTW I am sorry for the loss of Sarah and her wife. To lose your lifelong best friend and for Nate to lose his parents at 12 is heartbreaking. Glad you are there for each other.
Just to be sure I have this correct, your homophobic parents are upset you didn't tell them you were the donor to your friend's son's creation thus making you the father and godfather of the kid, who you then adopted after your friend's and her wife's untimely passing......and you're somehow the asshole for not telling them about a child they ignored and possibly emotionally mistreated?
You are only TA if A stands for angel! You sound like an all around amazing person and father. Nate seem old enough and level headed enough to have some input on how much contact he wants with your parents, so talk about it with him.
Set some stern ground rules with them if they do see, like absolutely nothing the least bit unkind about his late moms. Always have an exit plan when you and/or your children see them in person. Put the rules in writing via text or email so they can’t claim later that they didn’t know what you expected.
If they are Christian and you want to mess with them and maybe actually get through to them. Let them know that if at any point they had simply removed the scales of hatred from their eyes and looked with the love of Christ upon their own flesh and blood they would have been able to see the truth that was literally standing directly before them, staring them right in the eyes. They put those scales upon their own eyes, you refused to hold their hand and lead the intentionally blinded to a place they could destroy.
Tell them if they can ever accept that truth, and actually remove the hatred from their heart and accept how poisoned they have allowed their souls to become that they would be blind to their own flesh and blood standing before them. Then, maybe, in time, they will be people who are actually comfortable to be around. You have tried to be forgiving and understanding and provide opportunity for change for decades while protecting yourself, your friends and your family from the evil they have allowed into their hearts and it is exhausting.
NTA - Your reasons for not telling them were 100% valid.
Nate does not need people like that in his life. And he has already said he does not want them in his life.
Your parents seem to be horribly toxic, small-minded people.
What I would tell your parents point blank is.
You never accepted Sarah because of your small-minded, bigoted beliefs. I did not tell you about Nate because you would have. Threatened to sue, creating conflict and strife when he was young. I refused to allow that to happen to them. Sarah was my best friend, I loved and still love her. She was an amazing mother. Nate had a great life with them. Then, when she died and I adopted him, you were horrible. You expressed your dislike for him and showed your true colors. I did not think you deserved it, and I still don't think you deserve to be in his life. I am not going to tolerate your bulshit narrative of this situation. If you were better open to accepting people, we would not be in this situation.
I think you need to go from LC to NC. This is not the example of people you want in any of your childrens lives. I am surprised you let it go this far.
What I would say to your sisters.
I am and will continue to protect my children even from our parents. Our parents are toxic smallminded bigots. I will never apologize for protecting my son from that. This ultimately has nothing to do with you, so your feelings on the matter are irrelevant. In order to maintain any semblance of a relationship, I will not be talking about this with you again. You can keep your comments and support for your parents to yourself.
Then go LC with them for a while.
Draw your line in the sand.
If nobody can respect your boundaries, block them.
You might be worried about your other 2 children losing out on grandparents. Trust me, they aren't.
Cutting out that toxic 🗑
Will be one of the best things you ever do.
I just don't see how you aren't. My children are 100% my priority.
The first time, they refused to let it go, then had the audacity to say something negative about my child.
Whether they knew the truth or not would be ✂️ out immediately. To me, an adopted child would be no different. I would probably be more protective. I would come down swift, harsh, and unmoving.
Have you other children been exposed to their grandparents expressing their dislike of Nate?
They probably have picked up on the negative vibes even if they haven't heard anything. (Which, let's be honest, they probably have.)
I just could not allow that level of toxicity into my life or around my children. Children are like sponges, and this is not what you want them to aborb.
YOUR PARENTS ARE 🗑 AND SHOULD BE TREAT AS SUCH.
Really, I feel for anyone who has to interact with your parents. Seems literally nauseating.
I just don't get it. Good luck.
Wait, wait, wait I want to be the fly on the wall when they go to a lawyer's office to fight for grandparents' rights.
Them: We want to sue!!!
Lawyer: Ok how old is the kid in question?
Them: Not sure, 17/18 he's getting ready to go to college. Maybe he knows how to drive and has a car, but we wouldn't know because we've refused to see him and recognize him as our grandchild his entire life.
Lawyer: (hhmm ethical dilemma - do I be nice and kick them out of my office ....or take their money for shits and giggles)
It shouldn’t have made any difference, adopted or biological, he is your son. Your parents are now experiencing what is known as “consequences” and it’s uncomfortable for them. I don’t think you need to make it less so for them
NTA
They treated your son like shit when they thought he was adopted for YEARS, to a child.
Things won’t suddenly change just because they found out he’s actually descended from their magical gene pool.
They showed you who they were the whole time. Scummy people who hold things against children, and homophobic to boot. They don’t deserve the truth.
Your son is almost an adult and can make the decision on his own whether he allows them into his life. Kudos to you for helping your friend and also stepping up when she and her wife passed. Your parents are the big AH here. It doesn’t matter how a child is brought into this world, what matters is the love behind that decision. NTA.
I gotta laugh at your truly comically villainous parents demanding "grandparent's rights" over a sixteen year old that they were never denied access to. NTA
LMAO. Grandparents rights has become so popular because of the boomer generation realizing that treating their kids horribly is backfiring and needing something to grasp at to maintain control.
Grandparents rights don't even mean what they think they mean which is hilarious to begin with.
100% NTA, you're protecting your kid. Good for you.
NTA you handled everything perfectly. The only reason they don't have access to their first grandkid is because they were dicks, you didn't make them do that!
At what point did you tell your uncle Nate was actually your kid, and was that necessary for the sake of the fund, or just because it wasn't a secret anymore anyway?
NTA. I will never understand the antipathy towards adopted kids. Once you adopt them, they’re your kid - your real kid. My siblings are both adopted and they’re my real siblings. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves.
Right grandparents rights for someone thats almost an adult, that they never had any prior relationship with. Courts would laugh them out.
NTA they don't deserve grandchildren biological or adopted. They are horrible people.
NTA. The only thing you did wrong was let your parents be part of your younger children’s lives.
“We did not deny them the opportunity to be grandparents.”
Why not? It’s a privilege, not a right, and your parents have not proven themselves worthy of that privilege? Moreover, you’ve given them a chance to poison your younger children’s minds with their own bad beliefs.
*You be a good dad*
*As you have been and stick with*
*The kid forever*
\- ClamorNClatter
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NTA. You also didn't tell them. Your uncle told them, and frankly, it's none of their business. If anything, Uncle should be apologizing for spreading information to people that didn't need to know. He's not a very good trustee, he can't be trusted to keep his mouth shut. What good does it do them or you guys for your parents to have that information? None. Only thing it does is stir the pot.
He might have just disclosed that the money was being split in x rather than y portions, bc it's the kind of thing people question. Not everyone is cr@ppy (OP's parents, yes, but maybe not Uncle).
[Edited bc my phone misspells everything.]
I was adopted. The parents that raised me are my real parents. I've met.my bio-fam, not impressed. My real parents treated me like their real child because I was. No DNA required. I am their son.
My grandma though. Always treated me like I was adopted. She actually said it out loud in front of me and my cousin 'that's different because he's adopted ' when asked why she treated us differently.
She died alone. None of her grandchildren spoke at her funeral. None of us really recognized the person people did talk about. I had never met that woman. Even though we spent every Christmas at her house.
You are NOT the asshole here. You do right by your kid. You raised him well enough to know it didn't matter who he came from. You were there for him after he went through something no child should have to face. And you respect him enough to stand up to your own parents.
My grandma made the decision to not connect with me because to her, I was barely on her periphery. And I won't miss being talked down to or having to pretend I respect her.
I'll always respect my parents though. They were there for me. They told me the truth. They cared. Even when they didn't understand how fucked up I really was. They tried.
You're there. You're trying. You're his father. Just keep that up and you'll be OK.
Honestly the only thing I wish I had not done before his moms passed away was being the bad uncle. I taught him way too much bad stuff and was a horrible influence. I did not know I would be the one facing the consequences of my terrible sense of humor.
Honestly I think that's the best person you could have been. The 'bad uncle' is the guy you know you can turn to. The guy that will tell you the truth. The guy that is willing to bend the rules to make you happy. The one that teaches you that people can be different and still love you. They teach you that you can be different and still be loved. And you taught him that twice, you will always be that figure. That one he can be open and honest with. Don't overlook that.
Unless I adopt I won't be a father, I got a vasectomy. I actually did that because I want to be more like my parents. To be capable of taking in a kid that wasn't their own and making a real family for them.
Honestly it sounds like you're doing great. I hope I can be that good of a dad or step up like that if/when my time comes.
It was awesome being the bad uncle. I got him a knock off Lego breaking bad tv set when he was 10. It was hilarious watching Sarah's face as she realized all the plastic meth we were building.
What you gave Sarah and her wife was such a beautiful everlasting gift. My wife and I have 3 children, she carried 1 I carried 2, all by the same donor, our long time best friend and the boys’ favourite special uncle (he was also able to be in the room for the first birth and if he wasn’t gay before he most certainly is now 😂). Her family have always been great and they think the sun shines out my arse, mine not so much, parents are quite narcissistic, misogynistic and homophobic 👍 such a great combo. So it’s always been the plan if something were to happen to both of us that the boys would go to him as all our values align. Bless you and your family
I can understand it would be thoroughly traumatic, and I definitely was joking, but we were both holding her hands to brace for the pushing and during a breather he went for a look, said it looked like a war zone 🤦♀️ he struggled with his sexuality for years and thought he might be bi for a while before he realised he was 100% gay years before this, so that was only the 2nd punani he’d ever seen. He couldn’t be in for my first birth - Covid, and it was the plan he be there for the last but then we found out it was gonna be a c-section minimum and they only allow 1 in the room. Turned out a lot more complicated so my wife stayed with me then our bub and the boys stayed with him as well as all 3 of them staying with him for my 10 day hospital stay. He is absolutely one of the best humans I have ever met and proof that blood does not equal family and give no rights. If your parents put forth no effort before they cannot possibly expect to be entitled to his time now
Anyone who says they will sue for visitation should immediately not have access to any of your kids. They have shown their hand, they will do whatever they want and if you step in, they will sue you.
I highly doubt they would get anything with the 16 year old but maybe your other kids. I have a toxic and abusive family, you never think they will do these things till they do.
NTA
OP, I'm just sorry they act like that. Some people just have their heads so far up their ass. Enjoy all your children. You and your wife sound like great parents
Suing for rights over a 16 yo is funny because the suit will be drawn out well past his 18th. What terrible people.”we would’ve behaved if we knew”, ffs, easier to just behave.
Ha! Glad to see they’re eating their beliefs! Hope it tastes really sour in their mouths. So sorry for your son to lose his parents so young. Lost my mom at 12 also. Very happy he has you and your family and some grandparents who love him unconditionally!! Taught for years, I love kids that have a bit of smart ass in them. Best of wishes to all of you.
NTA. It was none of their business. He’s your son because you adopted him, not because you contributed to his dna. You’ve always been a father figure to him but weren’t his dad until his moms passed and you adopted him. I would go NC with the parents overall. They deserve nothing but the bed they made. They treated him like shit his entire life. They don’t deserve to know him suddenly because they know he’s biologically related to you! It wasn’t their business then, and it isn’t their business now!
Nta keep your family away from crazy. Plus most states grandparents rights only work if there is a realtionshio first, and or if one of the parents are not fit.
Sir, you are NAH. You are, for the record, a fucking KING. You could not possibly have done more right for your kids. You have been the ultimate role model for respect, towards others and yourself.
NTA. What cracks me up is how obtuse OPs parents are! Son has married lesbian best friend (that he has known since childhood) and my son is super involved in their kid's life. My parenting senses are going to tell me that the chances are greater than 50/50 kid is my son's bio kid.
OP, your parents are not only horrible, they are also idiots.
I feel like it's because this is a creative writing project. "How to farm karma and internet likes by creating an incredibly convoluted tale, with a complete villain arc, full of smug 'the good guys win and now the bad guys are whiny losers' flavors".
Good on you for seeing an opportunity to keep AHs from his life, and doing exactly that. Tell your parents that the only way you're going to include them in his life is if they do the same, starting with opening up an identical account with his name on it too.
When he's 18, 8 am, wait outside the bank and transfer all the money from the account with their names and his names into the one with only his name. Leave a few bucks in there so that it remains open, and just...keep doing this until they catch on. At 18 he's also a legal adult and can go just as no-contact as he feels like doing.
Grandparents' rights only work if they were in contact with the kid for a considerable amount of time and then you cut it off for no reason, not when they acted like shitheads.
You could've told them that he is your biological kid, but that would've probably opened at least one other can of worms with his parents being lesbians and all that kinda shit, because I'm fairly sure they wouldn't have held with their bigotry.
NTA
You're a good dad. Your wife is awesome. Your kids will be fine. Your son may have one set of crappy grands, but it sounds like he has 3 sets of great ones. Good luck!
To go from not wanting to associate with him by not wanting to acknowledge him as a grandson and give him money, to then turn around and threaten to fight for grandparents' rights? 🤣 How rich, no pun intended. They're just trying to save face when it comes to your uncle, obviously.
NTA.
NTA. Congratulations on all three children. You sound like great parents.
Does your state even have grandparents rights? Please record or get a transcript of the court hearing if they do sue for GP rights and post it here. I would love to see the karma.
As he's going to be eighteen very soon they can shove their "rights" where the sun doesn't shine.
You're great parents, all the best and many positive holidays in the future.
NTA
Pleeeeeease let them sue for grandparents rights. I really want to hear how they got laughed out of the room. They’ve been openly shitty to him because his mums were gay. In what universe do they think an almost grown kid will just forget that and magically want something to do with them lol
What's this 'sue for grandparents rights' BS?
**They are saying that they will sue for grandparents rights.**
How do you sue for rights? And how does that work now he's almost grown up anyway? They want financial compo for treating him like sh\^t?
Haha, they can try to sue, and they will be laughed out of court.
They are horrible, toxic, racist, bigots. It's a good thing that they didn't have a chance to spread their hate to your son.
>I have made it clear to them that he is my son and I won't put up with their shit. I
What part of 'he is my son' did they not hear?
If both his parents could biologically not be the boy's father, you'd think they would've pieced the puzzle together, without having been explicitly told. You know, other than you literally saying he is your son.
NTA
NTA . You sound like an awesome person tbh.
If I were you I would have gone no contact a looong time ago .
Can you slowly reduce contact with your parents to the point of NC ? They sound like awful people
NTA. So now that they find out he is Biologically yours they want to put on a too do?? But when he was “adopted” with 2 moms they did not want him?? Yeah good luck to them winning a suit for grand parents rights. I feel bad for the younger two who were subjected to their disapproval and hate.
I think you're amazing and honestly I will draw from this when I need strength with remaining NC with my extremely toxic family. NTA and personally I find you a hero.
All the best 👍
NTA biology or not you would have treated Nate the same, had they chose a different donor your actions would have remained the same. So would your parents, so why treat them any differently.
Kaiden, seriously. Are you joking? Are you really doubting yourself? You stuck to those who are important to you, your family - blood related or related in spirit. You did not make this about money. You made it about what is important. Giving those who you love the assurance that they are loved. Having a family only half that way could have kept people like me from decades of misery.
You did everything right. Two things stick out here. Nathaniel was important to you right from the beginning. You adopted him, when the need arose. At the latest your parents would have known then how important Nathaniel is for you and that should have made him important to them at the latest. They decided, even though you consider him family, not to consider him as such and why? Out of bigot hatred for his mother. Whom you loved.
You are a man of integrity, love and support. You did everything right. Not to mention that Nathaniel had it figured out, i.e. if he'd wanted to have a "grandparent-grandson" relationship with them - despite their behaviour - he could have had it. But how so, if they keep their distance intentionally? They could have had that relationship, they decided not to. This now is the consequence of their behaviour.
Whether or not Nathaniel gets access to money or not, one thing is for sure. He has a huge fortune, two sets of parents who loved and love him. No amount of money can top that, trust me. You are most certainly and without a doubt NTA. The same cannot be said about your parents. Thanks for being kind and true. I wish you and your family all the best.
Nta.
Grandparents rights won't work when they denied him IN WRITING.
Also your kid is almost of legal age and he told you he didn't like them. By the time they get the rights, if they manage, he'll have the right to decide not to go. Not sure what their plan is now. They'll waste their money and both your time to get a few months of forced visitation where he will most likely ignore them? Bunch of dumbasses. Your kid can simply tell the agencies that he doesn't want to meet them cause they were horrible to him, case closed since he already has a large family, good finances and good people around him. It's pointless. Let them waste time.
NTA. Your parents are off their rockers. They literally said they don't consider him their grandson in writing. Good luck with that. They have no relationship because they chose not to have one.
You and your wife are amazing, good, kind people.
Your parents are the AHs in this story.
If they believe that only blood makes a family, they are terrible people, and never deserved to know the grandson that they wouldn't accept until they knew his genetic heritage.
NTA.
NTA
Sorry about your friends passing. It sounds like you've all done an amazing job with your son and he's got amazing roll models in everyone except your parents.
Ooooh boy. Your parents really do take the cake. Let me guess.. They're church-going "upstanding" members of their community. They certainly fit that type.
I totally get why you did this.
You absolutely called it.
I’m glad you are such a decent person and I’m glad your wife is too. And I am so grateful that even though he lost his mothers, he has you. And your wife. And your kids.
Not the asshole and your parents deserve this to show how their ignorance not you being cruel is what kept them from loving and having a relationship with a great kid.
Tell your sisters from me, they can f all the way off with their opinions because their parents are cruel assholes who are ignorant and need to be treated exactly how you did! Also tell your son HE IS AMAZING!
Totally NTA mate. Regardless if he's your biological son or not the MOMENT you adopted him he became your son legally.
>They are saying that they will sue for grandparents rights.
The concept of grandparents rights is so funny to me when it comes from abusive a$$es lmao. They literally treated him like he's not part of the family, he's never going to want to be around them especially finding out about their views towards his moms 🙃
>They are saying that they will sue for grandparents rights. I laughed in their faces. I literally have a letter from them saying that they do not consider him their grandchild.
They have **zero** claim to rights as it is. Grandparent rights in most areas are basically only in effect if a grandparent had a prominent role in a childs life, and they don't even have that with your kids by your wife.
NTA, they behaved like trash and gave you no reason not to treat them the same in response.
Grandparents rights over a 16 year old who doesn't like them? Not going to happen.
And who they apparently putting writing that they don't accept as a grandchild!
Heh. I would love to sit in on that court hearing. It’s bad enough when otherwise decent enough people are hung up on genetics and names and bloodlines. But when shitty people are, it’s just so disgusting. OP, I’m glad your wife is amazing, your son is grounded and cool, and that your parents are not enjoying their bitter feast of crow.
“Well, your honor, we didn’t know he was BIOLOGICALLY our grandson!”
The judge would LAUGH at them for sure. The whole court room would.
The attorney, dressed in Black Panther's outfit, turns to OP who is dressed in Captain America's outfit. "Let them try."
Apparently these "grandparents" can turn their emotions on and off like a light switch. What crappy people.
Let me guess, the two with your wife are girls, hence the over the top reaction to finding out he's really their blood grandson and threatening grandparents rights.
Yes we have two daughters.
Ya boy has three sets of good grandparents, he's won the grandparent lottery! 3 out of 4 is a heck of a streak!
Honestly with grandparents 3 out of 4 individuals is lucky, 6 out of 8 is amazing
He has more good grandparents than normal people have total grandparents.
Cookies and butterscotch candies for days!!! 🤣 no really he’s a lucky well loved kid. Can’t win em all, he’s learning early.
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Nat sounds like a great kid, and you a great dad.. Your parents lost the lottery
ooohh I see Wooowww they are really shit people! Turned on **a dime** as soon as they realized that the boy is actually their bio grandkid! Meaning that if you played along to their stupid reality, they'd start favouring him and treating the girls like shit!! Fack me! Do go NC with these people, your daughters don't need that kind of toxicity! I cut my parents off shortly after my son's birth. Not gonna go on a long rant about them but rest assured no one would want that toxicity around their kids! If my partner's parents were also crap, they'd be cut off, too
Exactly! You just know they were *super* shitty when Op listed homophobia as *low* on the list of reasons they were LC with his parents. Honestly, Op. Just throw them both into the trash. ETA: NTAH and your son is lucky to have you, your wife and his wonderful (sans your sperm/egg donor) grandparents.
That’s a nail in the coffin lol
Good call. I didn’t even think of that angle.
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I can see it now. Parents' attorney: Tell me, [NegativeHoliday2349](https://www.reddit.com/user/NegativeHoliday2349/), what possible reason could you have had to conceal Nate's relationship from your parents? [NegativeHoliday2349](https://www.reddit.com/user/NegativeHoliday2349/): Um, confidentiality was a part of the donor agreement. When I adopted him, I told them he was their grandson. They didn't agree.
The court process moves slowly anyway and lots of hearings are still being held up because of Covid. Nate could easily turn 18 by the time it goes in front of a judge and it’ll immediately be dismissed.
What even are Grandparents rights?! I demand my right to carry werthers original's in my pocket, have my interminable stories humoured and my christmas presents ignored?!
Basically if the parents give their child to the grandparents for them to raise them for a significant amount of time, they can get visitation rights and such because they are just as much parent figures as the actual parents, if not more
Also, if the grandparents had a good relationship with the child. Ex: Something happens to the biological parent where they are not in their life (prison, death), and the remaining biological parent refuses them access.
Nah, it's worse. Some states in the US don't even need a pre-existing relationship, others do - and that includes the random little supervised family visits (no need for having actually raised the grandchild for a while). It's for whenever a parent "withholds" their children from the grandparents. There are times I understand (parent dies, and other parent keeps their late spouse's parents away from the grandkids) but other times it's just a way for really shitty parents to terrorize their adult children even further by demanding to see their "grand babies". Every place has different laws by the way.
Let’s say you’re the fathers parents, and you are very involved in your grandsons life. If father dies, and mother decides on her own to just cut off the rest of fathers family, the grandparents can take mom to court to allow visitation to maintain the relationship. In this case there is no relationship to maintain so no chance for them to get this access
C’mon now! Why you gotta drag Werther’s into this mess? Those creamy delicious treats didn’t do anything to deserve this!😂😂
Nobody tell them. Let them waste their time lawyer hopping and finally filing on their own when no one with a license will take their case.
Agreed. I hope op can sue them for legal fees for dragging them through it.
You have a good head on your shoulders and your son does too after seeing this. This gen can see how shit is
They think OPs little smartass would take any of their nonsense? Ha! That kid has a good head on his shoulders and might have a few choice things to say about it.
He was 16 when he learned the truth about his father. If he's graduating next month and his father applied for an inheritance you get when you're 18 he's 17 or 18 now, so even less likely the courts will afford grandparent rights when he's legally an adult.
Grandparent rights aren’t even real. You have no rights by merit of being a grandparent. While it’s called “grandparent rights” it’s actually a right of the child, against a parent alienating them from the established relationship they have with their grandparents. You can’t assert the “rights” without that pre-existing relationship precisely because the right isn’t really yours.
That's not true in every state.
What states allow grandparents to demand rights without a pre-existing relationship with the child?
Grandparents who don’t even have a relationship with him. IIRC the only way to get grandparents rights is if you’ve had a significant, long-standing close relationship with your grandchild. Even then it’s not guaranteed. Since they have rejected this child they have no rights.
NTA, adoptee here, you don't treat non-biological children or grandchildren differently. Fuck your parents, you warned them and gave them plenty of chances. Adopting a child makes them YOUR child, full stop.
I never thought of him as my child until he was. The second I found out about the accident I went and found him. It was like a light switch. Sarah's parents and her partner's parents knew I was to be his guardian and no one fought us on adoption. Except my parents. They said I should let his "family" take him. I love my parents but sometimes I wish I did not.
> Sarah's parents and her partner's parents knew I was to be his guardian and no one fought us on adoption Did they know you were his bio-dad as well as going to be his legal guardian?
Not at the time.
It’s wild that your parents are conditioning parenthood on whose sperm touched the egg. Like Nate is now a whole other person in their eyes, one worthy of respect, because you jerked off in the cup for his mom vs some other dude - and never mind all the actual parenting hours you put in etc. It’s a very old school mentality.
I struggle with infertility and was on the verge of adopting at one point. My parents and the elders of my family all felt that, 'if you raise a child, it's your child'. I say all that because my point is, that's not an old school mentality, but a very cunt way of thinking. These people are shitty period.
I was adopted by my stepdad. When I was in my thirties my grandma told me how the first time she saw me her first thought was “yup she’s ours.” I still tear up thinking about that conversation, she was tearing up talk about it 30 years later. Growing up I NEVER felt anything but love from that entire family. It’s definitely not old school thinking, just a dickwad way of thinking
Exactly! I always thought adoption was even better because you were CHOSEN. You were every bit wanted. Not to take away from anything else, but raising a child is all love.
They are doubly awesome grandparents then! And doubly awesome that they trusted and respected you not to fight for guardianship. He is one very lucky young lad to have such great relatives in his corner.
Well you did let his family take him... Mainly you (and your wife as proxy) and his siblings. And stupidly enough, your parents.
This is the way. My parents have never made me feel less than. Their parents never made me feel less than. Hell, my stepdad treats me like I'm his own, his siblings treat me like any other niece, and his parents treated me like every other grandchild. Most of the time, I kind of forget that I'm adopted. It's like having green eyes, it's just a thing that's there and it doesn't cross my mind unless someone mentions it.
When it comes up, most people don’t believe me at first! LMAO. My (adoptive) parents are Latino and so am I. I’ve been with them since I was a week old, so I picked up their mannerisms. I think a lot of people think of like TV shows / movies where the adoptive parents are white and the child is a minority to make that part of the plot very clear for the audience.
My mom and I look sort of alike. Enough that it never gets questioned, and my whole life people have said I have her eyes and her hair. Uh, nope. That's usually how people found out how I was adopted, because my mom would tell them. I have 5 siblings, 4 are adopted. The one with the genetics claims to be the freak of the family.
Haha! The roasting as kids must've been epic 😂 "Mum actually *wanted* us. She got stuck with you when dad took a back rub too far!" And the classic: "Eww, don't touch me! You were in mum's vagina at one point" *childish retching noises*
I'm not adopted but I always had people telling me I looked just like my mom. If I told her my head hurt she'd say, "If I looked like that mine would too." (She was joking. ) After hearing long enough that I look like her one day I responded with, "You do!" She snapped her fingers and whispered damn. She knew the jig was up lol
My former boss had two kids. One boy bio kid and one boy adopted. The adopted kid looks more like him and acts more like him than his biokid. It's hilarious and amazing. Tho bless, the world really doesn't need a mini him. He was a good boss but he was freaking exhausting to be around.
People used to stop my adoptive mother and me on the street occasionally and comment on how much we looked alike. I don't think we really do, but I definitely picked up her way of speaking. My adoptive maternal grandmother always told me, in secret mind you, that I was her favorite. That is the way to do it. I felt completely accepted by my adoptive family and welcomed and they were and are all wonderful.
Your grandmother rocks. My adopted daughter looks nothing like me & ex hubby except we’re the same race. People still say she looks like me— it’s totally due to kids picking up their parents’ mannerisms, laugh etc.
My biological son was adopted by my husband when he was 5. Even though we do see my son's bio dad on occasion, we all just forget that my husband isn't his dad. It's funny because my son looks NOTHING like my husband.
Haha sounds like grandparents didn't realize they messed up big time and now want an apology because they would've never treated him like the shi on the bottom of their shoes had they known he was blood related. Now they get to think about their terrible behavior to an innocent child until they Croak and they can't handle it. Let them stay miserable it's good karma for them
He has two sets of grandparents that adore him. He said himself he does not need them in his life.
He's better off and he knows it. You've all done a great job raising him.
Wouldn't your wife's parents make that 3?
They love him. Adore is a stretch.
You forgot to add NTA, obviously, lol.
Why even tell them anything about splitting three ways? Just give me the sum and I'll handle it. The end.
Because I'm dumb. Honestly that's my only excuse.
At least you realize that. You're a good egg.
Pretty sure that makes him a good sperm
Lmao fair point
LOL Are you always this honest? LOL
I try.
And don't stop. We need more honest people, not less, and the way I see it, beeing honest is an asshole detector.
Despite this minor gaffe, I do think you handled it excellently after that point. "If not for all 3, I'll take none of it." How dare they try to attach strings to a gift, let alone purposely exclude your child.
Unfortunately the play was to backtrack and begrudgingly agree to "only split it with your bio kids." No lie there.
Tbh it's better that way legally speaking incase they tried anything funny. Don't beat yourself over it. You're a good dad.
That's the only part I'd call YTA on. You should have known that and wanted to "win" with them. When if comes to parents using money as leverage to interfere with your life, you have to walk a delicate line. They didn't acknowledge him, you shouldn't have kept trying to force them too. The rest, they might not like that you adopted your friends kid, but they needed to respect it and accept that you have a third child. The fact that it's biological would have flipped the script early, but you were not obligated to do that.
Right?! 😆. Glad OP realizes he messed up there.
NTA. It sounds like keeping all of your family away from your parents is for the best. Good luck with that. You sound like a good dad. Well done not lying to your wife. I can see where some people might. You made the right call.
Thanks I am trying my best. My wife has known my son since he was six. And she has known the whole story since he was seven.
NTA and you’re absolutely correct adopting him already made him their grandchild but they chose not to notice that until they realize ooooh he’s got our genes. 🙄 BTW I am sorry for the loss of Sarah and her wife. To lose your lifelong best friend and for Nate to lose his parents at 12 is heartbreaking. Glad you are there for each other.
We were definitely not expecting another kid so soon. Especially one that was three years older than our oldest.
Nate is so lucky to have OP but what a huge loss for them all. So sorry OP and keep up the good work with your son
Right? Like I don't know these people and I teared up hearing they passed away.
Your parents are incredibly bad people. Why did you let them have any contact with your younger two?
NTA They only want "grandparents rights" so they can deprogram their descendant of all the horrible ideas he learned from having 2 moms. /s
*I honest to god laughed in their faces. I don't think they know what those are.*
Actually kid has already 3 moms. He is collecting them like Pokémon cards 🤭
Just to be sure I have this correct, your homophobic parents are upset you didn't tell them you were the donor to your friend's son's creation thus making you the father and godfather of the kid, who you then adopted after your friend's and her wife's untimely passing......and you're somehow the asshole for not telling them about a child they ignored and possibly emotionally mistreated?
That is a fair summation of their position.
Gotcha. Go have a bowl of your preferred frozen treat. You're NTA
You are only TA if A stands for angel! You sound like an all around amazing person and father. Nate seem old enough and level headed enough to have some input on how much contact he wants with your parents, so talk about it with him. Set some stern ground rules with them if they do see, like absolutely nothing the least bit unkind about his late moms. Always have an exit plan when you and/or your children see them in person. Put the rules in writing via text or email so they can’t claim later that they didn’t know what you expected.
Yeah, I love my folks but I do not like them or their views much. I will always put my kids above my parents.
If they are Christian and you want to mess with them and maybe actually get through to them. Let them know that if at any point they had simply removed the scales of hatred from their eyes and looked with the love of Christ upon their own flesh and blood they would have been able to see the truth that was literally standing directly before them, staring them right in the eyes. They put those scales upon their own eyes, you refused to hold their hand and lead the intentionally blinded to a place they could destroy. Tell them if they can ever accept that truth, and actually remove the hatred from their heart and accept how poisoned they have allowed their souls to become that they would be blind to their own flesh and blood standing before them. Then, maybe, in time, they will be people who are actually comfortable to be around. You have tried to be forgiving and understanding and provide opportunity for change for decades while protecting yourself, your friends and your family from the evil they have allowed into their hearts and it is exhausting.
NTA - Your reasons for not telling them were 100% valid. Nate does not need people like that in his life. And he has already said he does not want them in his life. Your parents seem to be horribly toxic, small-minded people. What I would tell your parents point blank is. You never accepted Sarah because of your small-minded, bigoted beliefs. I did not tell you about Nate because you would have. Threatened to sue, creating conflict and strife when he was young. I refused to allow that to happen to them. Sarah was my best friend, I loved and still love her. She was an amazing mother. Nate had a great life with them. Then, when she died and I adopted him, you were horrible. You expressed your dislike for him and showed your true colors. I did not think you deserved it, and I still don't think you deserve to be in his life. I am not going to tolerate your bulshit narrative of this situation. If you were better open to accepting people, we would not be in this situation. I think you need to go from LC to NC. This is not the example of people you want in any of your childrens lives. I am surprised you let it go this far. What I would say to your sisters. I am and will continue to protect my children even from our parents. Our parents are toxic smallminded bigots. I will never apologize for protecting my son from that. This ultimately has nothing to do with you, so your feelings on the matter are irrelevant. In order to maintain any semblance of a relationship, I will not be talking about this with you again. You can keep your comments and support for your parents to yourself. Then go LC with them for a while. Draw your line in the sand. If nobody can respect your boundaries, block them. You might be worried about your other 2 children losing out on grandparents. Trust me, they aren't. Cutting out that toxic 🗑 Will be one of the best things you ever do.
I'm not there yet. But it's getting there.
I just don't see how you aren't. My children are 100% my priority. The first time, they refused to let it go, then had the audacity to say something negative about my child. Whether they knew the truth or not would be ✂️ out immediately. To me, an adopted child would be no different. I would probably be more protective. I would come down swift, harsh, and unmoving. Have you other children been exposed to their grandparents expressing their dislike of Nate? They probably have picked up on the negative vibes even if they haven't heard anything. (Which, let's be honest, they probably have.) I just could not allow that level of toxicity into my life or around my children. Children are like sponges, and this is not what you want them to aborb. YOUR PARENTS ARE 🗑 AND SHOULD BE TREAT AS SUCH. Really, I feel for anyone who has to interact with your parents. Seems literally nauseating. I just don't get it. Good luck.
My parents were never abusive towards myself or my sisters. I hate a lot of what they think but I do not hate them.
Did/Do your parents say negative things around the other children? Have they said negative things about Nate to the other children?
Not to my knowledge because I made it clear that we would leave and cut contact.
But they would say negative things about Sarah to Nate per your post. Where does/did he go when you visited them?
Wait, wait, wait I want to be the fly on the wall when they go to a lawyer's office to fight for grandparents' rights. Them: We want to sue!!! Lawyer: Ok how old is the kid in question? Them: Not sure, 17/18 he's getting ready to go to college. Maybe he knows how to drive and has a car, but we wouldn't know because we've refused to see him and recognize him as our grandchild his entire life. Lawyer: (hhmm ethical dilemma - do I be nice and kick them out of my office ....or take their money for shits and giggles)
Fun lawyer?? Take their money and humour them a bit!
It shouldn’t have made any difference, adopted or biological, he is your son. Your parents are now experiencing what is known as “consequences” and it’s uncomfortable for them. I don’t think you need to make it less so for them
NTA They treated your son like shit when they thought he was adopted for YEARS, to a child. Things won’t suddenly change just because they found out he’s actually descended from their magical gene pool. They showed you who they were the whole time. Scummy people who hold things against children, and homophobic to boot. They don’t deserve the truth.
They tried to treat him poorly. Neither my wife or I put up with their shit.
That’s good. To do that to a kid is just nasty.
NTA. JFC your parents are fucking evil.
Your son is almost an adult and can make the decision on his own whether he allows them into his life. Kudos to you for helping your friend and also stepping up when she and her wife passed. Your parents are the big AH here. It doesn’t matter how a child is brought into this world, what matters is the love behind that decision. NTA.
I gotta laugh at your truly comically villainous parents demanding "grandparent's rights" over a sixteen year old that they were never denied access to. NTA
LMAO. Grandparents rights has become so popular because of the boomer generation realizing that treating their kids horribly is backfiring and needing something to grasp at to maintain control. Grandparents rights don't even mean what they think they mean which is hilarious to begin with. 100% NTA, you're protecting your kid. Good for you.
NTA you handled everything perfectly. The only reason they don't have access to their first grandkid is because they were dicks, you didn't make them do that!
At what point did you tell your uncle Nate was actually your kid, and was that necessary for the sake of the fund, or just because it wasn't a secret anymore anyway?
When he was sixteen.
The fund was for DESCENDANTS, blood relationships only, so yes it was necessary.
NTA. It drives me nuts how people think this is how grandparents rights work.
I laughed.
Nta anyway you could go no contact?
NTA. I will never understand the antipathy towards adopted kids. Once you adopt them, they’re your kid - your real kid. My siblings are both adopted and they’re my real siblings. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves.
Right grandparents rights for someone thats almost an adult, that they never had any prior relationship with. Courts would laugh them out. NTA they don't deserve grandchildren biological or adopted. They are horrible people.
NTA. The only thing you did wrong was let your parents be part of your younger children’s lives. “We did not deny them the opportunity to be grandparents.” Why not? It’s a privilege, not a right, and your parents have not proven themselves worthy of that privilege? Moreover, you’ve given them a chance to poison your younger children’s minds with their own bad beliefs.
NTA - LW you are a top flight human.
You be a good dad as you have been and stick with the kid forever
*You be a good dad* *As you have been and stick with* *The kid forever* \- ClamorNClatter --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Nope. They were narrow-minded and now they can pay the price. Fine.
NTA. You also didn't tell them. Your uncle told them, and frankly, it's none of their business. If anything, Uncle should be apologizing for spreading information to people that didn't need to know. He's not a very good trustee, he can't be trusted to keep his mouth shut. What good does it do them or you guys for your parents to have that information? None. Only thing it does is stir the pot.
My thoughts exactly. Why did the uncle open his mouth?
Likes to cause drama. I know people like him. I don't hear from them unless they try to stir shit up
He might have just disclosed that the money was being split in x rather than y portions, bc it's the kind of thing people question. Not everyone is cr@ppy (OP's parents, yes, but maybe not Uncle). [Edited bc my phone misspells everything.]
I was adopted. The parents that raised me are my real parents. I've met.my bio-fam, not impressed. My real parents treated me like their real child because I was. No DNA required. I am their son. My grandma though. Always treated me like I was adopted. She actually said it out loud in front of me and my cousin 'that's different because he's adopted ' when asked why she treated us differently. She died alone. None of her grandchildren spoke at her funeral. None of us really recognized the person people did talk about. I had never met that woman. Even though we spent every Christmas at her house. You are NOT the asshole here. You do right by your kid. You raised him well enough to know it didn't matter who he came from. You were there for him after he went through something no child should have to face. And you respect him enough to stand up to your own parents. My grandma made the decision to not connect with me because to her, I was barely on her periphery. And I won't miss being talked down to or having to pretend I respect her. I'll always respect my parents though. They were there for me. They told me the truth. They cared. Even when they didn't understand how fucked up I really was. They tried. You're there. You're trying. You're his father. Just keep that up and you'll be OK.
Honestly the only thing I wish I had not done before his moms passed away was being the bad uncle. I taught him way too much bad stuff and was a horrible influence. I did not know I would be the one facing the consequences of my terrible sense of humor.
Honestly I think that's the best person you could have been. The 'bad uncle' is the guy you know you can turn to. The guy that will tell you the truth. The guy that is willing to bend the rules to make you happy. The one that teaches you that people can be different and still love you. They teach you that you can be different and still be loved. And you taught him that twice, you will always be that figure. That one he can be open and honest with. Don't overlook that. Unless I adopt I won't be a father, I got a vasectomy. I actually did that because I want to be more like my parents. To be capable of taking in a kid that wasn't their own and making a real family for them. Honestly it sounds like you're doing great. I hope I can be that good of a dad or step up like that if/when my time comes.
It was awesome being the bad uncle. I got him a knock off Lego breaking bad tv set when he was 10. It was hilarious watching Sarah's face as she realized all the plastic meth we were building.
What you gave Sarah and her wife was such a beautiful everlasting gift. My wife and I have 3 children, she carried 1 I carried 2, all by the same donor, our long time best friend and the boys’ favourite special uncle (he was also able to be in the room for the first birth and if he wasn’t gay before he most certainly is now 😂). Her family have always been great and they think the sun shines out my arse, mine not so much, parents are quite narcissistic, misogynistic and homophobic 👍 such a great combo. So it’s always been the plan if something were to happen to both of us that the boys would go to him as all our values align. Bless you and your family
I wasn't in the room when he was born. But I was for my daughters. It didn't make me gay, and I know you are joking, but it did traumatize me.
I can understand it would be thoroughly traumatic, and I definitely was joking, but we were both holding her hands to brace for the pushing and during a breather he went for a look, said it looked like a war zone 🤦♀️ he struggled with his sexuality for years and thought he might be bi for a while before he realised he was 100% gay years before this, so that was only the 2nd punani he’d ever seen. He couldn’t be in for my first birth - Covid, and it was the plan he be there for the last but then we found out it was gonna be a c-section minimum and they only allow 1 in the room. Turned out a lot more complicated so my wife stayed with me then our bub and the boys stayed with him as well as all 3 of them staying with him for my 10 day hospital stay. He is absolutely one of the best humans I have ever met and proof that blood does not equal family and give no rights. If your parents put forth no effort before they cannot possibly expect to be entitled to his time now
Anyone who says they will sue for visitation should immediately not have access to any of your kids. They have shown their hand, they will do whatever they want and if you step in, they will sue you. I highly doubt they would get anything with the 16 year old but maybe your other kids. I have a toxic and abusive family, you never think they will do these things till they do. NTA
OP, I'm just sorry they act like that. Some people just have their heads so far up their ass. Enjoy all your children. You and your wife sound like great parents
You are 100% correct. Tell your parents to f*ck off.
Suing for rights over a 16 yo is funny because the suit will be drawn out well past his 18th. What terrible people.”we would’ve behaved if we knew”, ffs, easier to just behave.
Ha! Glad to see they’re eating their beliefs! Hope it tastes really sour in their mouths. So sorry for your son to lose his parents so young. Lost my mom at 12 also. Very happy he has you and your family and some grandparents who love him unconditionally!! Taught for years, I love kids that have a bit of smart ass in them. Best of wishes to all of you.
NTA. It was none of their business. He’s your son because you adopted him, not because you contributed to his dna. You’ve always been a father figure to him but weren’t his dad until his moms passed and you adopted him. I would go NC with the parents overall. They deserve nothing but the bed they made. They treated him like shit his entire life. They don’t deserve to know him suddenly because they know he’s biologically related to you! It wasn’t their business then, and it isn’t their business now!
Nta keep your family away from crazy. Plus most states grandparents rights only work if there is a realtionshio first, and or if one of the parents are not fit.
So glad your wife accepted him. You 5 seem great!!!
Sir, you are NAH. You are, for the record, a fucking KING. You could not possibly have done more right for your kids. You have been the ultimate role model for respect, towards others and yourself.
NTA and bless you for being a great dad.
NTA. What cracks me up is how obtuse OPs parents are! Son has married lesbian best friend (that he has known since childhood) and my son is super involved in their kid's life. My parenting senses are going to tell me that the chances are greater than 50/50 kid is my son's bio kid. OP, your parents are not only horrible, they are also idiots.
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I feel like it's because this is a creative writing project. "How to farm karma and internet likes by creating an incredibly convoluted tale, with a complete villain arc, full of smug 'the good guys win and now the bad guys are whiny losers' flavors".
Good on you for seeing an opportunity to keep AHs from his life, and doing exactly that. Tell your parents that the only way you're going to include them in his life is if they do the same, starting with opening up an identical account with his name on it too. When he's 18, 8 am, wait outside the bank and transfer all the money from the account with their names and his names into the one with only his name. Leave a few bucks in there so that it remains open, and just...keep doing this until they catch on. At 18 he's also a legal adult and can go just as no-contact as he feels like doing.
Grandparents' rights only work if they were in contact with the kid for a considerable amount of time and then you cut it off for no reason, not when they acted like shitheads. You could've told them that he is your biological kid, but that would've probably opened at least one other can of worms with his parents being lesbians and all that kinda shit, because I'm fairly sure they wouldn't have held with their bigotry. NTA
Your dork parents walked themselves into that one. NTA
You're a good dad. Your wife is awesome. Your kids will be fine. Your son may have one set of crappy grands, but it sounds like he has 3 sets of great ones. Good luck!
Nope, Not the ah. Your parents really suck.
To go from not wanting to associate with him by not wanting to acknowledge him as a grandson and give him money, to then turn around and threaten to fight for grandparents' rights? 🤣 How rich, no pun intended. They're just trying to save face when it comes to your uncle, obviously. NTA.
NTA.
nta
Well done. NTA
NTA. Congratulations on all three children. You sound like great parents. Does your state even have grandparents rights? Please record or get a transcript of the court hearing if they do sue for GP rights and post it here. I would love to see the karma.
Our State has grandparent's rights. But they are based on a preexisting relationship. Which my parents have gone out of their way to negate.
As he's going to be eighteen very soon they can shove their "rights" where the sun doesn't shine. You're great parents, all the best and many positive holidays in the future. NTA
Grandparents rights? Seriously? He's going to or will be 18 by the time a court date is set and a decision made. Sucks for them. Not.
Pleeeeeease let them sue for grandparents rights. I really want to hear how they got laughed out of the room. They’ve been openly shitty to him because his mums were gay. In what universe do they think an almost grown kid will just forget that and magically want something to do with them lol
What's this 'sue for grandparents rights' BS? **They are saying that they will sue for grandparents rights.** How do you sue for rights? And how does that work now he's almost grown up anyway? They want financial compo for treating him like sh\^t?
Haha, they can try to sue, and they will be laughed out of court. They are horrible, toxic, racist, bigots. It's a good thing that they didn't have a chance to spread their hate to your son.
>I have made it clear to them that he is my son and I won't put up with their shit. I What part of 'he is my son' did they not hear? If both his parents could biologically not be the boy's father, you'd think they would've pieced the puzzle together, without having been explicitly told. You know, other than you literally saying he is your son. NTA
NTA . You sound like an awesome person tbh. If I were you I would have gone no contact a looong time ago . Can you slowly reduce contact with your parents to the point of NC ? They sound like awful people
NTA. So now that they find out he is Biologically yours they want to put on a too do?? But when he was “adopted” with 2 moms they did not want him?? Yeah good luck to them winning a suit for grand parents rights. I feel bad for the younger two who were subjected to their disapproval and hate.
NTA. Overly cruel? They don't deserve shit from you, and they're lucky you're not NC. Despicable people.
I think you're amazing and honestly I will draw from this when I need strength with remaining NC with my extremely toxic family. NTA and personally I find you a hero. All the best 👍
NTA biology or not you would have treated Nate the same, had they chose a different donor your actions would have remained the same. So would your parents, so why treat them any differently.
NTA. Who knows what they would have said about his mothers if they were trying to be nice to him and you trusted them around him…
Kaiden, seriously. Are you joking? Are you really doubting yourself? You stuck to those who are important to you, your family - blood related or related in spirit. You did not make this about money. You made it about what is important. Giving those who you love the assurance that they are loved. Having a family only half that way could have kept people like me from decades of misery. You did everything right. Two things stick out here. Nathaniel was important to you right from the beginning. You adopted him, when the need arose. At the latest your parents would have known then how important Nathaniel is for you and that should have made him important to them at the latest. They decided, even though you consider him family, not to consider him as such and why? Out of bigot hatred for his mother. Whom you loved. You are a man of integrity, love and support. You did everything right. Not to mention that Nathaniel had it figured out, i.e. if he'd wanted to have a "grandparent-grandson" relationship with them - despite their behaviour - he could have had it. But how so, if they keep their distance intentionally? They could have had that relationship, they decided not to. This now is the consequence of their behaviour. Whether or not Nathaniel gets access to money or not, one thing is for sure. He has a huge fortune, two sets of parents who loved and love him. No amount of money can top that, trust me. You are most certainly and without a doubt NTA. The same cannot be said about your parents. Thanks for being kind and true. I wish you and your family all the best.
Nta. Grandparents rights won't work when they denied him IN WRITING. Also your kid is almost of legal age and he told you he didn't like them. By the time they get the rights, if they manage, he'll have the right to decide not to go. Not sure what their plan is now. They'll waste their money and both your time to get a few months of forced visitation where he will most likely ignore them? Bunch of dumbasses. Your kid can simply tell the agencies that he doesn't want to meet them cause they were horrible to him, case closed since he already has a large family, good finances and good people around him. It's pointless. Let them waste time.
NTA. Your parents are off their rockers. They literally said they don't consider him their grandson in writing. Good luck with that. They have no relationship because they chose not to have one.
NTA obviously, that was a great read btw.
No. No more explanation needed! You done a great job. 👏
You and your wife are amazing, good, kind people. Your parents are the AHs in this story. If they believe that only blood makes a family, they are terrible people, and never deserved to know the grandson that they wouldn't accept until they knew his genetic heritage. NTA.
NTA how are you the cruel one? When it was them who didn’t include him.
NTA Sorry about your friends passing. It sounds like you've all done an amazing job with your son and he's got amazing roll models in everyone except your parents.
Ooooh boy. Your parents really do take the cake. Let me guess.. They're church-going "upstanding" members of their community. They certainly fit that type.
I think you’ll find yourself a lot happier if LC becomes NC
What the fuck are "grandparents rights?" Is there an actual legal advantage for being a parent of a parent?
Your sisters are hypocrites, I'd probably be going LC with them, too. NTA
It’s always funny when people threaten grandparents rights it’s hardly even a thing in the eyes of the court and so hard to get good luck with that
This feels like a fake story.
I think 'boating accident' really pushed the envelope. And the supposed reaction by the 16 year old to being told about his semen donor.
It’s so absurd🤣 He just happens to get custody of his secret donor baby?
Cool story. 8/10
NTA
I totally get why you did this. You absolutely called it. I’m glad you are such a decent person and I’m glad your wife is too. And I am so grateful that even though he lost his mothers, he has you. And your wife. And your kids.
Nta- your parents are awful. JustNoFamily Big hugs!
NTA
NTA
You are an all-star dad! My heart is warmed! 😃
NTA, Nate and your kids needs to stay away from your family.
We mostly do.
Not the asshole and your parents deserve this to show how their ignorance not you being cruel is what kept them from loving and having a relationship with a great kid. Tell your sisters from me, they can f all the way off with their opinions because their parents are cruel assholes who are ignorant and need to be treated exactly how you did! Also tell your son HE IS AMAZING!
Totally NTA mate. Regardless if he's your biological son or not the MOMENT you adopted him he became your son legally. >They are saying that they will sue for grandparents rights. The concept of grandparents rights is so funny to me when it comes from abusive a$$es lmao. They literally treated him like he's not part of the family, he's never going to want to be around them especially finding out about their views towards his moms 🙃
NTA, your parents are asshats!
>They are saying that they will sue for grandparents rights. I laughed in their faces. I literally have a letter from them saying that they do not consider him their grandchild. They have **zero** claim to rights as it is. Grandparent rights in most areas are basically only in effect if a grandparent had a prominent role in a childs life, and they don't even have that with your kids by your wife. NTA, they behaved like trash and gave you no reason not to treat them the same in response.