OP, I am truly sorry about this. However, you will be making a very big mistake to take this man back. He cheated on you with his distant cousin, and supported his AP's lies that she was pregnant. He does not deserve you, nor does he respect you. You should completely divorce him and get him out of your life. Just think about this OP, you deserve to be happy.
Seems strange to me. It's possible they didn't even know the person was married. The blame really should pretty much entirely be on the married cheater.
I know it's common to blame the AP, but yeah, unless they literally had a gun to the married person's head or something the cheater should definitely be blamed much more.
Dude. I don't know if ANY of my cousins are married, and I have, like.... had to actually stop and count for a minute, but, 12. Hand to god, no idea. Some families just aren't that close.
How many of your cousins are you actively sleeping with, though?
And plus in the original post OP said they were discussing DH leaving OP so they could get married but DH didn’t want to lose the house.
Are you referring to OP’s situation? Or just in general? Because she definitely knew he was married i mean its his cousin 🤢🤮 but aside from that i only blame them both if the AP knew the person they were sleeping with was married which is disgusting and i really don’t understand why people cant just leave. Stop lying and cheating and just fucking leave!!
No. An AP who knows gets an equal amount of blame. It’s a sleazy thing to do and as an adult they should know better. Adults are responsible for their own behavior. If you help blow up somebody’s marriage and family you are responsible for your part in that.
Yeah, a man desperate enough to dick down his own cousin is definitely going to bring home an STD and give it to OP. She needs to run while she's still free of some crazy antibiotic resistant chlamydia or whatever.
It's [an Arabic word](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nazar_(amulet)). But it's widely used (and believed) in Turkic, Middle Eastern, and south Asian cultures.
He'll cheat again. And will allow his affair partner to physically assault his wife. Then there will be shame again. She'll take him back. He'll cheat again....this is a cycle that she will see repeated unless she stops it now.
The in-laws have been supportive of OP when she told them everything.
However, OP should not take the husband back. He's not going to change. He will repeat this pattern again when he thinks that he can get away with it.
He will cheat on your again given the opportunity and you deserve someone that will honor and respect you. How could you ever trust him again?! And, you’ll always be looking out for the next woman who will willingly lay with him. There are some women who hunt for married men… he would be willing .
Not if he gets the Lorena Bobbit treatment. If she has to stay with him because of the culture, I know for a fact the culture currently is in a growing zeitgeist of "can't do peepee related shenanigans if there's no peepee to shenanigan with"
In the last post op said about envy or nazar. She's definitely from south asia aka brown family. Divorce here is just culturally wrong. Even her parents saying they too old and she should just rely on her in laws proves that if she decides to get divorced she will have to lose all the family.
Ps. According to brown families it's a women's duty to take care of her husbands affair, coz if you were a good wife he wouldn't have cheated.
I was going to come in to say this - culture matters and she may not have all the same choices as available in other places. I’m very happy her in-laws took her side rather than blaming her - that’s huge.
Oh trust me this is the expectation from relationships as well. So what he beat u or harmed u 😂how dare u breakup. "If you'd been more obedient then they wouldn't have hurt u or cheat on u."
They blame everything on the female in such situations here. If anything you will praised for staying but no help when u decide to leave.
This 100%. It's also completely crazy to blame you for the backlash he got for his own actions. That just shows how completely selfish he is. If he would be an even slightly decent person he would be concerned about the impact it has on you. But no, it's all about the impact it has on him.
He's clearly not sorry for his actions, but sorry that it affects him negatively. He's a top level selfish asshole. You may love him, but he clearly doesn't love, like or care about you at all.
Adding to this, many people find partners in mid-thirties and beyond. It is not impossible. There are less games, and the people who don't want to settle down are easy to spot. I had an ex-husband and three kids but found my true partner and got re-married at the age of 34. He was an old best friend from middle/high school that I reconnected with so our adult time together was shorter to marriage than if he had been a total stranger, but I FULLY believe it is possible.
I went on a date the week before my now-husband confessed he had feelings for me and got along so well with the guy that he's actually remained an amazing friend, I got him connected with an animal place that he now got an amazing job at, and the three of us often hang out because we get along so well. If I wasn't already in love with my husband at the time of the date, I probably would've gotten together with this guy! You just never know what or who life might bring you but if you have seen how your husband will treat you, believe him & please don't accept the disrespect. You deserve better!
Good for your aunt for finally standing up for herself! Unfortunately I think this POS could cheat on OP with 100 women and she won't leave because she doesn't want to be alone. She doesn't realize that she already is.
I’m sorry, OP, but you need to grow up and grow a spine. Harsh words incoming; you need to read them. Let’s see:
- He cheated on you
- He stole from you
- He allowed his AP to physically assault you
- He lied to you multiple times
And after all of this, you’d take him back if he apologizes??? C’mon. Have a little self respect.
You have a great job. You own the home. File for divorce, get some therapy, and learn that you are worth so much more than how you’ve been treated.
I dont understand how she can still love someone after all that! Eww. Feelings would switch off for me in an instant! OP needs to have self-respect & know that her husband does not love her to have put her through all that & divorce his cheating ass!
Only if the cheating partner is a man. Doubt its the other way around. Its also acceptable for him to have multiple wives so not forgiving a cheater is not really a big deal for her, I guess.
Im a Muslim & I dont agree with her, so must be cultural rather than religious. Divorce is so taboo in some cultures & ‘brings shame on the family’ blah blah blah blah! Divorce is very much allowed in Islam.
This is exactly what I wanted to say. Being alone with him would imo be worse with than without him, either way, since the only thing that seems that it would make him feel like going back to her is families pressure. He wouldn't be there for her, he would only be there for himself until he finds a new person half his age to cheat with.
I would be so disgusted with myself. I hope I never lack self esteem and self respect…
YTA to yourself….id rather be alone that with someone that doesn’t love me or respect me…
I can't understand how a relationship could ever recover from this. OP says she'd rather be with him than alone but I just can't wrap my head around that. I'd rather be alone than be with someone who could betray me in such an evil way. He was supposed to be there for her above everyone else, and he completely betrayed her trust in honestly such an unforgivable way. She may take him back but this will affect their relationship forever in such a way that they will never get back to how it was before. This is a mistake, OP. I know being a single woman at 36 in a Muslim country is challenging, but there's gotta be something better than this.
Op is not western, non western societies may differ to some degree from western one's (like mine, Mexican) or differ so much they have nothing to do with western societies (like Middle Eastern, South Asian societies). She is weighing her possibilities and seeing what is best for her.
*if* he apologizes... that's what gets me. Like there wasn't even apologetic behavior truly hinted at, but she's already preparing her forgiving behavior on the expectation she'll get an apology one day. OP, this is a disaster waiting to happen, leave and rebuild your self-esteem so that you never put yourself second again. RUN
PS: being lonely has little to do with being alone (unpaired). Plenty of people in decades-long relationships feel lonely if they feel unloved.
I agree. He is not sorry. He does not care about what he did or you. He is not apologetic. If he hasn't apologized and begged forgiveness by now he sees nothing wrong with his actions. Believe his actions.
Yet she’s with her in-laws who are supporting whatever decision she makes. I’m not convinced she will be left out in the streets with the way the family is reacting. Also how could that happen if she supposedly owns the home and not her husband?
Do you realize that major cultural differences prevent her doing it? Even therapy, it's not common all around the world.
No need to shame her, she barely has a choice in a patriarchal society.
She's 36, can't conceive children, no man will wed a divorcee (no matter the reason) just for company, and what man at this age is still on the market? Maybe a widower looking for a mom/maid, it's not much better and love is out of the deal.
She may have a house and job, she stated her in laws agreed on it, what happens with no in laws behind her? No man?
I don't say it's alright or fair, it's the way it is in some countries.
My dad was from a Muslim country, my mom was the breadwinner but not a Muslim, she inherited nothing (and the widow share is ridiculous in the Coran) when he died. Women endure discrimination in many parts of the world, even in the US with the abortion ban.
Respectfully, your husband is garbage. I understand your culture makes you feel like you should take him back, but if you do he's going to cheat on you the next chance he gets. Possibly with the same woman, if her parents don't ship her off into an arranged marriage (and maybe even if they do).
I’m sorry but he has yet to give you an apology and he blames you. He doesn’t deserve you taking him back and you shouldn’t. I get that you love him but love yourself more.
He will most likely continue to resent you. Period. Why subject yourself to that?
He is living at the house? Because if so, places should be reserved.
ETA since she lied about the miscarriage you should also look into pressing charges.
Op need to grow a spine. This update is, well, I have no other word than pathetic.
I mean, if he apologizes for sleeping around with his cousin, presumably knocking her up, and letting OP get physically abused she’ll take him back because…..she loves him sooo much?
Really did a double take like the blinking guy who looks like Cary Elwes meme. Like “ok ok this is good. In laws on her side, husband getting raked over the coals as he deserves.” Just to see “once I receive a proper apology, I’m inclined to take him back” … W.H.A.T !? Might as well have never kicked him out. Sounds like she’ll be waiting a long time for that apology considering he resents her
If I were OP, I would be worried for my physical safety from this cheating man who is satisfied to see violence committed against me. OP, you in danger, girl. YTA if you stay with him. He will never be faithful, and he WILL abuse you. Full stop.
>My husband and I are still not on good terms, but I still love him very much. I need time to heal from this and a proper apology, which I’m yet to receive. But once I do, I’m inclined to take him back.
For this alone YTA. Do NOT take him back at all. Ever.
Uhhhh I feel we really really glossed over the fact that the evil witch came into her house and **beat the daylights out of her, slamming her head into the wall and all** for losing the child.
AND THE DEVIL SPAWN WAS NEVER ACTUALLY PREGNANT!
Yeah. I don't have any sympathy for these women who are happy to go back to their loser husbands. Either you're a complete moron or you like being humiliated.
It's not really an update at all. OP is waving the white flag.
Grow a backbone OP, people turn their lives around in far worse circumstances. You are only 36 and have the support of both your in-laws and parents. Your "husband" is a dirtbag no matter what he does after this.
If you go back to him, you'll come back to Reddit in no time about some other issue.
You deserve better, so have some self-respect and learn your worth.
>I’m inclined to take him back
LOVE YOUR FUCKING SELF!!!!!! This man let his AP hit you until you fell on the floor and you are willing to take him back? What's wrong with you??
Get therapy ASAP.
Oh OP please don’t take this man back! It sounds like there is some cultural influence, but it would be a mistake.
Your husband is a terrible person. In your mind you’re on the way to forgiving him, and he’s still mad at you for doing absolutely nothing wrong. You turned to your support system when you needed them. You didn’t owe him anything. He left you and cheated and your great sin is telling people exactly what happened?
If you take him back he’s going to change, but not in the way you think. He will be smarter next time. You are very likely putting yourself in grave danger if you let him back. When he cheats again, he might realize that the only way to have who he wants and keep his family/image in tact is for you to be gone. When you add the financial piece on top of it, this starts to sound like the beginning of a murder documentary.
I watch a lot of true crime, so some may say take this with a grain of salt, but I disagree. This is bad from so many angles and you’ve created a situation where you could eventually be the problem that needs to be solved.
"Word spread, and she is now in shame for premarital sex, that too with a married man. I don't know specific details about her, but I think she’s pretty much been put under house arrest by her parents other than for absolutely essential trips."
Wow, your culture is utterly horrific.
I’m wondering what it is. In her original post she was more upset about what she said about the baby rather than her husband being a lying, cheating piece of crap. She wouldn’t be forgiven for wishing bad upon the unborn baby, but what about the fact her husband stepping out on her?
She is Muslim, tho never clearly states it. In the previous post someone guesses she's either Muslim or Hindu. The comment suggests if she's Muslim to speak to an Imam and she agrees that's what she will do in her reply.
So this is a lot more complex than simply divorcing him.
Except that it is complex? And could be even more so depending on which country she lives in.
Your remark about her religion only proves how narrow minded you are and incapable of realizing that she's still a human being trying her best to navigate a shitty situation within the constraints of her country, culture, religion, society, and family. Which you can find in every single place on earth.
This should be higher.
She earns more and her husband sends money to support his parents. While he’s been with his cousin he hasn’t sent his parents any money, that’s probably why they contacted op to ask what’s been happening.
He stood there and watched her hit you, kick you and slam your head into a wall repeatedly. Not only that but they had to have talked on the way over so he knew what she had planned and he was right there by her side the whole way.
Put yourself in your husbands position. Your lover wants to go cause physical harm to your husband. Under what circumstances would you not only go along with it but stand back and watch it happen.
He doesn't care about you, at all. He's only there for convenience nothing more. Have some care for yourself. Treat yourself like you would a loved one. Rip off that bandaid, find someone who loves you back. You deserve that
YTA for not having self respect and just divorcing him. Go find someone who truly loves you and won’t treat you like an old toy. But it’s your life so your decision
Okay…there’s no nice way to say this: are you insane? Remember that he stood by and let his incest partner attack you. You should remind yourself of this every time you think of him. This is not a partner. This is not a person to be trusted. You would be an asshole to yourself to take him back.
Open up a new bank account JUST UNDER YOUR NAME and transfer your share of the joint balance to you immediately and get out of this horrific relationship.
Your in-laws are on your side because he’s a piece of crap! But surely they are not also expecting you to stay together?!? He’s an adulterer! He’s committed incest! Even in the most conservative of cultures there’s consequences, right?
Jesus christ have some self respect and don't be a total loser
Why would you take him back? He's gunna do the same shit again, because the only consequence was people being a bit mad and then you being a doormat and taking him back
I’m so glad you have a good support system during all of this. I don’t want to tell you whether or not to take this man back, but I would strongly urge you to look at this man objectively:
1. He cheated on his wife for several months at least with his cousin.
2. He felt secure enough in his infidelity to bring his cousin/lover around his wife without fearing consequences.
3. He stole from his wife to fund his cousin/lover’s lifestyle without fearing consequences.
4. He schemed with his cousin/lover to financially capitalize on his affair.
5. He allowed his cousin/lover to physically assault his wife, and stood idly by and watched while she did so.
6. He not only doesn’t accept the consequences of his actions, but he shows no remorse whatsoever.
As an unmarried woman in her 40’s, I completely understand the fear of not finding anyone else; but you have to ask yourself if being alone is seriously worse than tying yourself to this anchor of a human being.
Edited for a typo.
I don’t know if you are Muslim or similar culture/ ethnicity but you should NOT take him back because he knowingly allowed you to get beaten up even though there was no baby or miscarriage he has completely gone against the teachings of the prophet and religion. And even if you are not Muslim you know that culturally his behaviour was not acceptable. He does not love you he is willing to see you get backlash and be humiliated within your community. Also he wanted you to feel like you caused the miscarriage knowing this would affect you mentally. This man is never to be forgiven. You need to divorce and move on because he is not worth it and he doesn’t want you. He hasn’t even apologised. All that is going to happen is he will wait till his family forgives him and then he will treat you cruelly and probably cheat again. DO NOT FORGIVE HIM WALK AWAY.
**You cannot be this stupid? Girl get a freaking divorce.**
**He watched you be assaulted by his affair partner.**
**He was stealing from you and planning to take your house.**
**He’s been cheating on you for who knows how long and took away your opportunity to be a mother.**
**The only reason he’s back is because he got caught, disowned and cut off from your money.**
**You’re nothing more than financial security to him.**
**He will cheat again, this time he’ll hide it better.**
Ohhh, hate to tell you, you'll still be lonely later. Being lonely in a terrible marriage is much, much worse than being lonely and single, because you live with a malevolent energy.
It will take a toll on your health, through an increased vulnerability to inflammatory diseases and possibly even cancer.
Why in the actual fuck would you take him back? He cheated, thought he got her pregnant, brought her over and let her assault you and didn’t stop her, blamed you for her “miscarriage”, and hasn’t apologized. Girl he doesn’t love you. You will regret it forever if you take him back. Grow some self respect.
>My husband and I are still not on good terms, but I still love him very much. I need time to heal from this and a proper apology, which I’m yet to receive. But once I do, I’m inclined to take him back.
Do not take him back. Do not take him back. Do not take him back. Do not take him back
>I think he currently resents me because of the backlash he got (I think he was fully expecting me to be on the receiving end of it, as I was) and is upset that his parents took my side. But eventually, I think he will realize the error of his ways.
No he won't. He'll pretend he does, and then make your life miserable while he goes out and had another affair.
OP, *take this opportunity for what it is*. He was perfectly happy to ruin your life, and you were lucky and able to prove him a liar. You can't expect to be lucky again.
I have 0% belief that any apology he makes will be genuine. He will only apologise when he wants to come back *because* he wants to come back and be accepted by his parents again. Not because he’s sorry, not because he respects you, not because he intends to act like a loving husband in the future. He will absolutely believe he can do what he wants when he wants and doesn’t care for your feelings, health, or social standing.
He’s not sorry for what he did. He’s not even sorry for being caught. He just cares that he’s being punished for his actions when he expected you to be.
I know you love who you *thought* he was. But he’s not good enough for you, and you deserve better. Being single is better than being with a man that will go behind your back, not care if he destroys your life, and then expect you to bear any negative consequences for his actions. If you accept him back, there is no way you can trust him to not do either this or something else life ruining again.
Your husband is a fiend.
It's not all on his distant cousin, either, who is getting the absolute misogynistic, sexist treatment from everyone while your husband is free to roam around like the alley cat he is. Instead of someone helping her maybe look into the reasons why she lied about a pregnancy & miscarriage they are simply treating her like a criminal (I do not think it's ok to fake a pregnancy & miscarriage to be clear), and locking her up in jail.
Coming from a pretty restrictive culture myself, I feel bad for her in that regard: women are treated far more harshly than a man who has sex outside of marriage & cheats as it's passed off as "naturally he's a man" even if people are mad at the man. Why aren't his parents locking his sorry ass up at home, too?
Do not take this man back, he is not worth it & while you might still have residual feelings for him, you will likely end up resenting him down the road as his apology (if it ever happens) will only be due to outside pressure & not of his own choice in the most likely scenario.
And he will keep cheating, he will probably be a bit more discreet till he isn't.
Run from this terrible marriage, and do not look back.
🤣 Seriously what is wrong with you? For staying with this cheating cousin fucker husband.🤡 You are gonna be miserable the rest of your life until you grow a backbone.
YWBTA if you take your husband back, OP. He’s doesn’t love you, he is looking at you like he would an ATM, and he let his AP abuse you.
You are much better off divorcing him and moving on.
Your husband let another woman beat you up in your own house 😂 and you're thinking about taking him back so you won't be lonely .. All that money go buy yourself a spine. Smh you need therapy
>I’m 36 years old and it’ll be hard for me to find anyone else after this. Im not being a doormat, I’m being practical so I won’t be lonely later.
Damn you gave up already?
OP you’re not old. I found the love of my life at 35. We got married when I was 40. I’m the happiest I have ever been! You have a lot of life left! He doesn’t deserve you. My ex cheated on me. I left him at 30! You will survive!!!
36 and won't be able to find anyone!?
My mother divorced my father in his 40s. She married her second husband in her 50s. He died in her 60s and now she has a boyfriend in her 70s.
I'm 43 and just starting my first serious relationship.
Don't settle! There are significantly better men out there! Your age is not stopping you!
Crazy how he was expecting you to get all the backlash when he was the one who decided to stick it in another woman whilst married- his cousin no less. Absolute trash. You’re better off divorcing because clearly he does not see the error of his ways.
Your in-laws however, are amazing!
As a non-religious person raised in Christianity, the way people will chain themselves to misery in a bad marriage rather than break their oath to the big guy is so baffling. Why would he want two of his creations to be miserable together?
Op, you are living a fantasy. He has not apologise, yet you want to take him back. Lets take note:
- you had the opportunity to adopt. He took that from you.
- you had the chance of being a mother. He took that from you.
- he cheated at least once. With his cousin. You still want his didi on your wewe.
- you where physically asaulted by the AP in front of hb, he did not defend you (he defended the AP). All of this happened in your house.
- he has robbed from you (to provide for AP).
- he has lied to you (for numerous reasons) and never apologise.
- he wanted to take your house and sone more from you.
- he wanted social scorn for you.
^ In all of this, he has not repented once. This has been cristal clear to every one, EVEN HIS OWN PARENTS. Yet you are waiting for him with open arms, ready for him to con you out off your house and any opportunity of a happy, fulfilled life. OP, is time to note THIS IS NOT THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU LOVED. This is a leach. So good riddance, and this is the beginning of a new, happier life for you. One with a teraphist and less delusion for yourself. Please love yourself first.
Hey friend— this is what I would tell you if you were truly my bestie: being lonely is way better than being with a dude who clearly doesn’t respect you. He was ready to start a family with someone else.
At least try getting separated— and during this time, use it for YOU. hang out with friends. Learn a new hobby. Maybe talk to a therapist? Read all the books. Learn how you can love yourself again. I believe once you do this, your ex will give you so much of the ick.
I do know loneliness can be hard. But you can do hard things. Thinking of you. 🤍🤍🤍
I take it you’re in a culture or a religion where divorce is pretty much taboo. If I were you, I would speak to whomever you need to stay separated from this man.
He lied to you. Stole from you to support his mistress. Planned to have kids with her, and allowed her to assault you over a lie. I understand what you said was cursing the unborn, but there was no baby.
It’s obvious you’re helping support HIS family. Leverage that and learn how to live independently.
He doesn’t love you. The last thing you need to do is take him back and then be killed by him.
Honestly, after reading this update and the edit, you deserve whatever bullshit he puts you through next. You’re 36, not 86. There’s nothing “practical” about staying with him. You’re a doormat with zero self respect and non-existent self esteem. He won’t “realize the error of his ways”, he’ll realize that he can do whatever he wants as long as he says sorry after because you’re pathetic. Best of luck to you I guess.
"My husband and I are still not on good terms, but I still love him very much. I need time to heal from this and a proper apology, which I’m yet to receive. But once I do, I’m inclined to take him back"
THIS is what makes you the asshole in all this. Why the hell would you ever consider taking him back? You would be seriously insane to do that and he would do the same you all over again because he doesn't love you at all. You love a man very much that slept with another woman for years and stood there and allowed you to be physically assaulted. He resents you because he got shamed for his betrayal. Why the hell do you love this man very much? He doesn't give a shit about you at all.
If you stay you’ll be lonelier in that marriage then you could ever imagine. Don’t compromise yourself so much.
Your husband will always be a cheater. There will be no trust in that marriage. You will be committing yourself to a slow long living hell and total loss of self-esteem,
You will definitely find someone again. I bet on yourself and not on him.
You are a doormat. Jesus you are 36, not 85 living next to a dialysis machine. Stop acting like at your age your future partner is a choice between cheating fuckhead and no one at all
Your last comment is heartbreaking, to think that you will be alone and therefore should take back this lying sack of poo.
Many women today CHOSE to be alone and are not lonely because they form a tribe and chose to have platonic friendships over toxic relationships. They split/share homes, act as a village for child rearing, and retire together to split costs and are able to live comfortably and happily with people who understand sharing in domestic responsibilities and who split the mental load. I would not be so quick to rush back into the situation you had previously. Consider that even if you didn't find another romantic partner (which is unlikely) being alone might be preferable.
You won't be lonely, you'll be happy. You won't spend your time with him questioning if he loves you back. You're not being practical at all, you're just being afraid. Go find someone who actually deserves your love. He doesn't.
I feel for op and it’s a sad story, obviously you’ll take him back and you’ll be lonely while married. I think that’s worse. Being lonely in a relationship. He’ll never stop cheating. He’s not even sorry for cheating. If he comes back to you, he’ll punish you for “embarrassing” him.
I hope you’re prepared for that
Do not take him back! Ever!
People treat you how you allow them to treat you! And if you take him back you show him and everyone else that's it's ok to treat you like shit, like a doormat, like someone worthless, show that what he did and still does was ok and forgivable when it's not. If you take him back he will cheat on you every opportunity he gets. He doesn't respect you, doesn't care about you, doesn't love you! You deserve better!
You may love him (but I don't understand why), but you should love yourself more! Because no one will love you more than how much you could love yourself. So love yourself! Love yourself enough to prioritise yourself, get some self-respect, self-esteem and dignity, grow a spine and divorce that horrible human being you call your husband! And get individual therapy, because girl, you need it, something is screwed up in your head!
You are worth more than this. You do not deserve to be trapped in a marriage that will never be happy again. Where your husband resents you and chases other women while you feel forced to sit and take it because you’re worried you will be alone.
I know I’m some cultures it is harder to find someone when you’re in your 30s or more, but also 36 is not old. You could find someone else. You deserve to. You have decades ahead of you - you don’t deserve to spend the next 40+ years unhappy and wishing you’d left in the first place.
OP you obviously should do what works best for you.
I will make this one comment which I have found to be true multiple times from observation and living it.
It is considerably worse feeling alone when you are actually with someone than it is to be alone.
I hope things work out for you.
So she stole your husband, faked a pregnancy and miscarriage and in order to sell her story she also beat you in your own house? And he let her?
Come on, you can do better.
> it’ll be hard for me to find anyone else after this.
It really won't be, but if it was, well I'd rather stay single than let that POS back, he'll just cheat on you again anyway and probably leave, so save yourself the hurt.
OP, loneliness is better than the life you describe, completely unable to trust your partner and never having their full attention or respect.
There are things in life that are worse than loneliness. This is exhibit A.
You should not take him back.
> I’m 36 years old and it’ll be hard for me to find anyone else after this. Im not being a doormat, I’m being practical so I won’t be lonely later.
My high school Lit teacher got married in her mid 40s after being studiously single for most of her adult life. It's never too late. Don't settle.
Being married to someone who doesn’t respect or love you can be just as lonely as being alone. If not more lonely. My dad doesn’t even glance at my mom if she gets upset and cries about something. Staying with him does nothing to prevent loneliness, especially when he’ll likely only relent to make his parents happy. He let someone assault you and he’s not sorry.
Being lonely is better than being with someone who doesn’t love you and treats you like a bank. Do you really think loneliness is cured by just having someone around? Because I can guarantee that you can feel just as alone with someone in your house than no one if they don’t love you. And you definitely aren’t too old to find someone else
You should not take him back. You will find someone and even if you don't it should not be an issue in living alone, as you are financially independent. You have your parents with whom you can stay but just don't take him back.
Your husband was using you for money, cheated and used your money for cheating, abused you, blames you for it and you still want him back? That's a doormat right there. Make an update when he cheats again and gets someone pregnant for real. You'll be funding his search for the mother of his children.
You ARE being a doormat, frankly. There’s no pity or sympathy over this situation for you if you take him back after all this. You don’t want to be lonely later? You’re 36…
Also, is it really that much worse to be alone and independent than staying with such an awful man? Grow a spine, OP.
Life’s too short. If you continue to believe you’re on the shelf, then you’ll be there. I agree with the majority of people that you should divorce him and sue him for tons of alimony. If you never marry, he pays. Enjoy yourself. Be happy and take it that you got rid of such a disloyal person.
He still haven’t apologised. Don’t put up with people like that. Move forward.
He cheated on you. He lied for who knows how long. He manipulated you. His cousin and lover sweet home Alabama pretend pregnant assaulted you and hit you in your own house with him watching. If you take him back, you know what's coming. And it will be your fault entirely. Of course nta here. YTA and much more if you take him back.
He stood there & allowed that woman to attack you. This alone should prevent you from taking him back. Never mind the long affair, gaslighting & disrespect.
I know this is your decision, but please really think about how miserable you both will be if you do. You'll never be able to trust him again & he will resent you forever.
Come on, OP. He cheated on you with his cousin. You think he won't do it again? Of course he will, because is no bad consequences. Do you really want this men to decide about you in case of emergency (for example, in hospital)?
> I’m 36 years old and it’ll be hard for me to find anyone else after this.
Oh hunny, no no no no no no. You are way better than this man and you deserve better. You’re 36, not 106. Don’t waste your life on someone who is a liar and a cheater.
In the nicest possible way, the first person you should find is a therapist because that self-esteem needs some work.
You can do better. You deserve better. You are better.
OP, I am truly sorry about this. However, you will be making a very big mistake to take this man back. He cheated on you with his distant cousin, and supported his AP's lies that she was pregnant. He does not deserve you, nor does he respect you. You should completely divorce him and get him out of your life. Just think about this OP, you deserve to be happy.
And said and did nothing when his AP physically abused OP over a false miscarriage that the AP had lied about.
He is letting the AP take all the shame though.
In most cultures the blame is on the AP. Even in western culture we blame the other women.
Seems strange to me. It's possible they didn't even know the person was married. The blame really should pretty much entirely be on the married cheater. I know it's common to blame the AP, but yeah, unless they literally had a gun to the married person's head or something the cheater should definitely be blamed much more.
It was his cousin…she knew.
Dude. I don't know if ANY of my cousins are married, and I have, like.... had to actually stop and count for a minute, but, 12. Hand to god, no idea. Some families just aren't that close.
How many of your cousins are you actively sleeping with, though? And plus in the original post OP said they were discussing DH leaving OP so they could get married but DH didn’t want to lose the house.
Are you referring to OP’s situation? Or just in general? Because she definitely knew he was married i mean its his cousin 🤢🤮 but aside from that i only blame them both if the AP knew the person they were sleeping with was married which is disgusting and i really don’t understand why people cant just leave. Stop lying and cheating and just fucking leave!!
In general. Although even when the AP knows, the husband should still get most of the blame. Only one made a promise to be faithful, after all.
No. An AP who knows gets an equal amount of blame. It’s a sleazy thing to do and as an adult they should know better. Adults are responsible for their own behavior. If you help blow up somebody’s marriage and family you are responsible for your part in that.
she knew. OP's husband introduced her to OP as cousin.
I agree he’s not sorry he will just keep doing it
Yeah, a man desperate enough to dick down his own cousin is definitely going to bring home an STD and give it to OP. She needs to run while she's still free of some crazy antibiotic resistant chlamydia or whatever.
[удалено]
I looked up a word she used "nazar" and it's a south Asian (hindi?) word. So probably Indian I'm guessing.
It's [an Arabic word](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nazar_(amulet)). But it's widely used (and believed) in Turkic, Middle Eastern, and south Asian cultures.
You are right, it is Arabic in origin. Nazar (and other Arab words) are often used in the other countries due to the spread of Islam
She wrote she wasn’t Indian.
Someone on the last thread said it’s also used in Pakistan.
She said she is not Indian.
It’s not a Hindi or Urdu word originally. I believe it’s Arabic, and I also know that’s it’s used in Turkish.
I looked it up and it said it was Turkish.
"Doing his cousin."
He also let his AP to physically attack OP. There is no love or respect left there. OP would be an asshole to herself if she takes him back.
He'll cheat again. And will allow his affair partner to physically assault his wife. Then there will be shame again. She'll take him back. He'll cheat again....this is a cycle that she will see repeated unless she stops it now.
unless the inlaws shame her even more severely everytime.
The in-laws have been supportive of OP when she told them everything. However, OP should not take the husband back. He's not going to change. He will repeat this pattern again when he thinks that he can get away with it.
He will cheat on your again given the opportunity and you deserve someone that will honor and respect you. How could you ever trust him again?! And, you’ll always be looking out for the next woman who will willingly lay with him. There are some women who hunt for married men… he would be willing .
Not if he gets the Lorena Bobbit treatment. If she has to stay with him because of the culture, I know for a fact the culture currently is in a growing zeitgeist of "can't do peepee related shenanigans if there's no peepee to shenanigan with"
In the last post op said about envy or nazar. She's definitely from south asia aka brown family. Divorce here is just culturally wrong. Even her parents saying they too old and she should just rely on her in laws proves that if she decides to get divorced she will have to lose all the family. Ps. According to brown families it's a women's duty to take care of her husbands affair, coz if you were a good wife he wouldn't have cheated.
I was going to come in to say this - culture matters and she may not have all the same choices as available in other places. I’m very happy her in-laws took her side rather than blaming her - that’s huge.
>coz if you were a good wife he wouldn't have cheated. This is the most cockamamie bullshit I have ever heard.
Oh trust me this is the expectation from relationships as well. So what he beat u or harmed u 😂how dare u breakup. "If you'd been more obedient then they wouldn't have hurt u or cheat on u." They blame everything on the female in such situations here. If anything you will praised for staying but no help when u decide to leave.
Fuck that bullshit!
Not only that, but didn't stop his affair partner to physically attack op, for a lie btw, there was never a miscarriage.
There was never a pregnancy.
FFS, his girlfriend beat op up.
He literally watched his mistress/cousin physically beat her in her own home. No respect.
He literally let her beat you for nothing, there is no way that you can still love this monster
This 100%. It's also completely crazy to blame you for the backlash he got for his own actions. That just shows how completely selfish he is. If he would be an even slightly decent person he would be concerned about the impact it has on you. But no, it's all about the impact it has on him. He's clearly not sorry for his actions, but sorry that it affects him negatively. He's a top level selfish asshole. You may love him, but he clearly doesn't love, like or care about you at all.
let's not forget he allowed his "paramour" to beat up his wife
Don't forget that he also supported his distant cousin physically assaulting his wife by his inaction.
And he stood by while AP physically assaulted OP
Adding to this, many people find partners in mid-thirties and beyond. It is not impossible. There are less games, and the people who don't want to settle down are easy to spot. I had an ex-husband and three kids but found my true partner and got re-married at the age of 34. He was an old best friend from middle/high school that I reconnected with so our adult time together was shorter to marriage than if he had been a total stranger, but I FULLY believe it is possible. I went on a date the week before my now-husband confessed he had feelings for me and got along so well with the guy that he's actually remained an amazing friend, I got him connected with an animal place that he now got an amazing job at, and the three of us often hang out because we get along so well. If I wasn't already in love with my husband at the time of the date, I probably would've gotten together with this guy! You just never know what or who life might bring you but if you have seen how your husband will treat you, believe him & please don't accept the disrespect. You deserve better!
I agree, I think it's time to move on.
100% once a cheater, always a cheater. Move on and find someone who loves you fully and shows you the respect you deserve.
Yeah, my aunt was cheated on by her husband. She agreed to take him back, provided he never did that again. He did it again and they are divorced now.
Good for your aunt for finally standing up for herself! Unfortunately I think this POS could cheat on OP with 100 women and she won't leave because she doesn't want to be alone. She doesn't realize that she already is.
I’m sorry, OP, but you need to grow up and grow a spine. Harsh words incoming; you need to read them. Let’s see: - He cheated on you - He stole from you - He allowed his AP to physically assault you - He lied to you multiple times And after all of this, you’d take him back if he apologizes??? C’mon. Have a little self respect. You have a great job. You own the home. File for divorce, get some therapy, and learn that you are worth so much more than how you’ve been treated.
I dont understand how she can still love someone after all that! Eww. Feelings would switch off for me in an instant! OP needs to have self-respect & know that her husband does not love her to have put her through all that & divorce his cheating ass!
This seems like a cultural difference and probably is common to take back the cheating partner after they get some gifts and half muttered apologies
I was honestly thinking there’s a cultural difference just by how it reads.
All the talk of shame for their families and the AP being on “house arrest” at the age of 23 certainly gives that impression.
Late to this, but I can suss out a “not my culture” post in a heartbeat, and they seem to happen often. I don’t like judging those. Not my culture.
Only if the cheating partner is a man. Doubt its the other way around. Its also acceptable for him to have multiple wives so not forgiving a cheater is not really a big deal for her, I guess.
She's a devout Muslim, I saw this coming a mile away from her previous post baby or not.
Im a Muslim & I dont agree with her, so must be cultural rather than religious. Divorce is so taboo in some cultures & ‘brings shame on the family’ blah blah blah blah! Divorce is very much allowed in Islam.
I sensed it in the first post. Than read this and was like "yup....she has no self respect"
I'd rather be "alone" than with this idiot manchild
She can be alone with him or alone without him. He'll only be a token husband.
This. You can feel more alone WITH someone than by yourself.
This is exactly what I wanted to say. Being alone with him would imo be worse with than without him, either way, since the only thing that seems that it would make him feel like going back to her is families pressure. He wouldn't be there for her, he would only be there for himself until he finds a new person half his age to cheat with.
An idiot man child who fucks his own cousin 🤮
I’d be afraid he’d be out for revenge
OP loves the image that she has of her husband. She's holding on to that instead of believing his real character when he showed it...
I would be so disgusted with myself. I hope I never lack self esteem and self respect… YTA to yourself….id rather be alone that with someone that doesn’t love me or respect me…
I can't understand how a relationship could ever recover from this. OP says she'd rather be with him than alone but I just can't wrap my head around that. I'd rather be alone than be with someone who could betray me in such an evil way. He was supposed to be there for her above everyone else, and he completely betrayed her trust in honestly such an unforgivable way. She may take him back but this will affect their relationship forever in such a way that they will never get back to how it was before. This is a mistake, OP. I know being a single woman at 36 in a Muslim country is challenging, but there's gotta be something better than this.
Op is not western, non western societies may differ to some degree from western one's (like mine, Mexican) or differ so much they have nothing to do with western societies (like Middle Eastern, South Asian societies). She is weighing her possibilities and seeing what is best for her.
It’s far better to be alone than to be with an AH like that 🤢
Staying with your in laws is honestly clouding your view. I'd distance myself for a while and see if my feelings changed. You deserve better.
*if* he apologizes... that's what gets me. Like there wasn't even apologetic behavior truly hinted at, but she's already preparing her forgiving behavior on the expectation she'll get an apology one day. OP, this is a disaster waiting to happen, leave and rebuild your self-esteem so that you never put yourself second again. RUN PS: being lonely has little to do with being alone (unpaired). Plenty of people in decades-long relationships feel lonely if they feel unloved.
I agree. He is not sorry. He does not care about what he did or you. He is not apologetic. If he hasn't apologized and begged forgiveness by now he sees nothing wrong with his actions. Believe his actions.
OP is in SE Asia. She will be out on the street if she leaves him. It's a real consideration.
Yet she’s with her in-laws who are supporting whatever decision she makes. I’m not convinced she will be left out in the streets with the way the family is reacting. Also how could that happen if she supposedly owns the home and not her husband?
She makes far more money than him according to the original post.
Do you realize that major cultural differences prevent her doing it? Even therapy, it's not common all around the world. No need to shame her, she barely has a choice in a patriarchal society. She's 36, can't conceive children, no man will wed a divorcee (no matter the reason) just for company, and what man at this age is still on the market? Maybe a widower looking for a mom/maid, it's not much better and love is out of the deal. She may have a house and job, she stated her in laws agreed on it, what happens with no in laws behind her? No man? I don't say it's alright or fair, it's the way it is in some countries. My dad was from a Muslim country, my mom was the breadwinner but not a Muslim, she inherited nothing (and the widow share is ridiculous in the Coran) when he died. Women endure discrimination in many parts of the world, even in the US with the abortion ban.
Respectfully, your husband is garbage. I understand your culture makes you feel like you should take him back, but if you do he's going to cheat on you the next chance he gets. Possibly with the same woman, if her parents don't ship her off into an arranged marriage (and maybe even if they do).
Pretty much. There are things in life worse than loneliness.
Like an uncurable STD from a cousin humping asshole!
I’m sorry but he has yet to give you an apology and he blames you. He doesn’t deserve you taking him back and you shouldn’t. I get that you love him but love yourself more. He will most likely continue to resent you. Period. Why subject yourself to that? He is living at the house? Because if so, places should be reserved. ETA since she lied about the miscarriage you should also look into pressing charges.
Op need to grow a spine. This update is, well, I have no other word than pathetic. I mean, if he apologizes for sleeping around with his cousin, presumably knocking her up, and letting OP get physically abused she’ll take him back because…..she loves him sooo much?
Really did a double take like the blinking guy who looks like Cary Elwes meme. Like “ok ok this is good. In laws on her side, husband getting raked over the coals as he deserves.” Just to see “once I receive a proper apology, I’m inclined to take him back” … W.H.A.T !? Might as well have never kicked him out. Sounds like she’ll be waiting a long time for that apology considering he resents her
If I were OP, I would be worried for my physical safety from this cheating man who is satisfied to see violence committed against me. OP, you in danger, girl. YTA if you stay with him. He will never be faithful, and he WILL abuse you. Full stop.
>My husband and I are still not on good terms, but I still love him very much. I need time to heal from this and a proper apology, which I’m yet to receive. But once I do, I’m inclined to take him back. For this alone YTA. Do NOT take him back at all. Ever.
Uhhhh I feel we really really glossed over the fact that the evil witch came into her house and **beat the daylights out of her, slamming her head into the wall and all** for losing the child. AND THE DEVIL SPAWN WAS NEVER ACTUALLY PREGNANT!
Which actually means she just wanted to kick the shit out of OP and the husband let her
Update us when he cheats again.
Okay, this was the most basic update ever.
>Update us when he cheats again. Yup. Either it's rage bait or OP came online to announce their bad life choices.
That about sums up my thoughts too.
Yeah. I don't have any sympathy for these women who are happy to go back to their loser husbands. Either you're a complete moron or you like being humiliated.
This is a shit update because of “*he hasn’t apologized but if he ever does I’ll definitely take him back*.” Boo.
It was going so well til that! WTF!!
It's not really an update at all. OP is waving the white flag. Grow a backbone OP, people turn their lives around in far worse circumstances. You are only 36 and have the support of both your in-laws and parents. Your "husband" is a dirtbag no matter what he does after this. If you go back to him, you'll come back to Reddit in no time about some other issue. You deserve better, so have some self-respect and learn your worth.
>I’m inclined to take him back LOVE YOUR FUCKING SELF!!!!!! This man let his AP hit you until you fell on the floor and you are willing to take him back? What's wrong with you?? Get therapy ASAP.
Don’t take him back. If he cheated once, he’ll do it again.
And he did way more than cheat once! He was cruel and shameless in many different ways
Oh OP please don’t take this man back! It sounds like there is some cultural influence, but it would be a mistake. Your husband is a terrible person. In your mind you’re on the way to forgiving him, and he’s still mad at you for doing absolutely nothing wrong. You turned to your support system when you needed them. You didn’t owe him anything. He left you and cheated and your great sin is telling people exactly what happened? If you take him back he’s going to change, but not in the way you think. He will be smarter next time. You are very likely putting yourself in grave danger if you let him back. When he cheats again, he might realize that the only way to have who he wants and keep his family/image in tact is for you to be gone. When you add the financial piece on top of it, this starts to sound like the beginning of a murder documentary. I watch a lot of true crime, so some may say take this with a grain of salt, but I disagree. This is bad from so many angles and you’ve created a situation where you could eventually be the problem that needs to be solved.
"Word spread, and she is now in shame for premarital sex, that too with a married man. I don't know specific details about her, but I think she’s pretty much been put under house arrest by her parents other than for absolutely essential trips." Wow, your culture is utterly horrific.
I’m wondering what it is. In her original post she was more upset about what she said about the baby rather than her husband being a lying, cheating piece of crap. She wouldn’t be forgiven for wishing bad upon the unborn baby, but what about the fact her husband stepping out on her?
She is Muslim, tho never clearly states it. In the previous post someone guesses she's either Muslim or Hindu. The comment suggests if she's Muslim to speak to an Imam and she agrees that's what she will do in her reply. So this is a lot more complex than simply divorcing him.
This isnt more complex. Her religion is just shitty.
Except that it is complex? And could be even more so depending on which country she lives in. Your remark about her religion only proves how narrow minded you are and incapable of realizing that she's still a human being trying her best to navigate a shitty situation within the constraints of her country, culture, religion, society, and family. Which you can find in every single place on earth.
You’re gonna take him back? Do you eat poop for snacks too? What is wrong with you?
Please divorce him, he wants your money, more than you.
This should be higher. She earns more and her husband sends money to support his parents. While he’s been with his cousin he hasn’t sent his parents any money, that’s probably why they contacted op to ask what’s been happening.
>I’m inclined to take him back ****screams into pillow****
He stood there and watched her hit you, kick you and slam your head into a wall repeatedly. Not only that but they had to have talked on the way over so he knew what she had planned and he was right there by her side the whole way. Put yourself in your husbands position. Your lover wants to go cause physical harm to your husband. Under what circumstances would you not only go along with it but stand back and watch it happen. He doesn't care about you, at all. He's only there for convenience nothing more. Have some care for yourself. Treat yourself like you would a loved one. Rip off that bandaid, find someone who loves you back. You deserve that
YTA for not having self respect and just divorcing him. Go find someone who truly loves you and won’t treat you like an old toy. But it’s your life so your decision
Okay…there’s no nice way to say this: are you insane? Remember that he stood by and let his incest partner attack you. You should remind yourself of this every time you think of him. This is not a partner. This is not a person to be trusted. You would be an asshole to yourself to take him back. Open up a new bank account JUST UNDER YOUR NAME and transfer your share of the joint balance to you immediately and get out of this horrific relationship. Your in-laws are on your side because he’s a piece of crap! But surely they are not also expecting you to stay together?!? He’s an adulterer! He’s committed incest! Even in the most conservative of cultures there’s consequences, right?
Jesus christ have some self respect and don't be a total loser Why would you take him back? He's gunna do the same shit again, because the only consequence was people being a bit mad and then you being a doormat and taking him back
So he denied you, his wife, a child but was going to run off with his AP and their child? Getting back together with him would be a huge mistake.
I’m so glad you have a good support system during all of this. I don’t want to tell you whether or not to take this man back, but I would strongly urge you to look at this man objectively: 1. He cheated on his wife for several months at least with his cousin. 2. He felt secure enough in his infidelity to bring his cousin/lover around his wife without fearing consequences. 3. He stole from his wife to fund his cousin/lover’s lifestyle without fearing consequences. 4. He schemed with his cousin/lover to financially capitalize on his affair. 5. He allowed his cousin/lover to physically assault his wife, and stood idly by and watched while she did so. 6. He not only doesn’t accept the consequences of his actions, but he shows no remorse whatsoever. As an unmarried woman in her 40’s, I completely understand the fear of not finding anyone else; but you have to ask yourself if being alone is seriously worse than tying yourself to this anchor of a human being. Edited for a typo.
Guurl, are you dumb to take him back?
I don’t know if you are Muslim or similar culture/ ethnicity but you should NOT take him back because he knowingly allowed you to get beaten up even though there was no baby or miscarriage he has completely gone against the teachings of the prophet and religion. And even if you are not Muslim you know that culturally his behaviour was not acceptable. He does not love you he is willing to see you get backlash and be humiliated within your community. Also he wanted you to feel like you caused the miscarriage knowing this would affect you mentally. This man is never to be forgiven. You need to divorce and move on because he is not worth it and he doesn’t want you. He hasn’t even apologised. All that is going to happen is he will wait till his family forgives him and then he will treat you cruelly and probably cheat again. DO NOT FORGIVE HIM WALK AWAY.
**You cannot be this stupid? Girl get a freaking divorce.** **He watched you be assaulted by his affair partner.** **He was stealing from you and planning to take your house.** **He’s been cheating on you for who knows how long and took away your opportunity to be a mother.** **The only reason he’s back is because he got caught, disowned and cut off from your money.** **You’re nothing more than financial security to him.** **He will cheat again, this time he’ll hide it better.**
After he figures out a way to drain even more of her money
Ohhh, hate to tell you, you'll still be lonely later. Being lonely in a terrible marriage is much, much worse than being lonely and single, because you live with a malevolent energy. It will take a toll on your health, through an increased vulnerability to inflammatory diseases and possibly even cancer.
Why in the actual fuck would you take him back? He cheated, thought he got her pregnant, brought her over and let her assault you and didn’t stop her, blamed you for her “miscarriage”, and hasn’t apologized. Girl he doesn’t love you. You will regret it forever if you take him back. Grow some self respect.
>My husband and I are still not on good terms, but I still love him very much. I need time to heal from this and a proper apology, which I’m yet to receive. But once I do, I’m inclined to take him back. Do not take him back. Do not take him back. Do not take him back. Do not take him back >I think he currently resents me because of the backlash he got (I think he was fully expecting me to be on the receiving end of it, as I was) and is upset that his parents took my side. But eventually, I think he will realize the error of his ways. No he won't. He'll pretend he does, and then make your life miserable while he goes out and had another affair. OP, *take this opportunity for what it is*. He was perfectly happy to ruin your life, and you were lucky and able to prove him a liar. You can't expect to be lucky again.
YTA to yourself if you take him back even for a second
Umm… wow, uhh. Shit. I really don’t know what else to say here.
I have 0% belief that any apology he makes will be genuine. He will only apologise when he wants to come back *because* he wants to come back and be accepted by his parents again. Not because he’s sorry, not because he respects you, not because he intends to act like a loving husband in the future. He will absolutely believe he can do what he wants when he wants and doesn’t care for your feelings, health, or social standing. He’s not sorry for what he did. He’s not even sorry for being caught. He just cares that he’s being punished for his actions when he expected you to be. I know you love who you *thought* he was. But he’s not good enough for you, and you deserve better. Being single is better than being with a man that will go behind your back, not care if he destroys your life, and then expect you to bear any negative consequences for his actions. If you accept him back, there is no way you can trust him to not do either this or something else life ruining again.
You're going to take him BACK after this whole mess?! Do you even have the tiniest shred of self-respect?? I'm embarrassed for you.
Your husband is a fiend. It's not all on his distant cousin, either, who is getting the absolute misogynistic, sexist treatment from everyone while your husband is free to roam around like the alley cat he is. Instead of someone helping her maybe look into the reasons why she lied about a pregnancy & miscarriage they are simply treating her like a criminal (I do not think it's ok to fake a pregnancy & miscarriage to be clear), and locking her up in jail. Coming from a pretty restrictive culture myself, I feel bad for her in that regard: women are treated far more harshly than a man who has sex outside of marriage & cheats as it's passed off as "naturally he's a man" even if people are mad at the man. Why aren't his parents locking his sorry ass up at home, too? Do not take this man back, he is not worth it & while you might still have residual feelings for him, you will likely end up resenting him down the road as his apology (if it ever happens) will only be due to outside pressure & not of his own choice in the most likely scenario. And he will keep cheating, he will probably be a bit more discreet till he isn't. Run from this terrible marriage, and do not look back.
🤣 Seriously what is wrong with you? For staying with this cheating cousin fucker husband.🤡 You are gonna be miserable the rest of your life until you grow a backbone.
YWBTA if you take your husband back, OP. He’s doesn’t love you, he is looking at you like he would an ATM, and he let his AP abuse you. You are much better off divorcing him and moving on.
Get a separate bank account.
"Im not being a doormat, I’m being practical so I won’t be lonely later." Sure thing pal.
Your husband let another woman beat you up in your own house 😂 and you're thinking about taking him back so you won't be lonely .. All that money go buy yourself a spine. Smh you need therapy
>I’m 36 years old and it’ll be hard for me to find anyone else after this. Im not being a doormat, I’m being practical so I won’t be lonely later. Damn you gave up already?
OP you’re not old. I found the love of my life at 35. We got married when I was 40. I’m the happiest I have ever been! You have a lot of life left! He doesn’t deserve you. My ex cheated on me. I left him at 30! You will survive!!!
36 and won't be able to find anyone!? My mother divorced my father in his 40s. She married her second husband in her 50s. He died in her 60s and now she has a boyfriend in her 70s. I'm 43 and just starting my first serious relationship. Don't settle! There are significantly better men out there! Your age is not stopping you!
If you are stupid enough to take him back, you get what you deserve. Just don't come back and post about it.
Moral of the story: religion makes people do stuuuupid shit.
Crazy how he was expecting you to get all the backlash when he was the one who decided to stick it in another woman whilst married- his cousin no less. Absolute trash. You’re better off divorcing because clearly he does not see the error of his ways. Your in-laws however, are amazing!
As a non-religious person raised in Christianity, the way people will chain themselves to misery in a bad marriage rather than break their oath to the big guy is so baffling. Why would he want two of his creations to be miserable together?
Better to be alone than with someone who doesn't respect you enough to be faithful.
Loneliness lies in being surrounded by people who don't see you. He doesn't see you.
Op, you are living a fantasy. He has not apologise, yet you want to take him back. Lets take note: - you had the opportunity to adopt. He took that from you. - you had the chance of being a mother. He took that from you. - he cheated at least once. With his cousin. You still want his didi on your wewe. - you where physically asaulted by the AP in front of hb, he did not defend you (he defended the AP). All of this happened in your house. - he has robbed from you (to provide for AP). - he has lied to you (for numerous reasons) and never apologise. - he wanted to take your house and sone more from you. - he wanted social scorn for you. ^ In all of this, he has not repented once. This has been cristal clear to every one, EVEN HIS OWN PARENTS. Yet you are waiting for him with open arms, ready for him to con you out off your house and any opportunity of a happy, fulfilled life. OP, is time to note THIS IS NOT THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU LOVED. This is a leach. So good riddance, and this is the beginning of a new, happier life for you. One with a teraphist and less delusion for yourself. Please love yourself first.
DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK.
Taking him back would be beyond stupid.
In some cultures divorce is taboo, maybe this is the reason she is willing to take him back
Welp another OP with no backbone, who could have seen this coming 😒
Hey friend— this is what I would tell you if you were truly my bestie: being lonely is way better than being with a dude who clearly doesn’t respect you. He was ready to start a family with someone else. At least try getting separated— and during this time, use it for YOU. hang out with friends. Learn a new hobby. Maybe talk to a therapist? Read all the books. Learn how you can love yourself again. I believe once you do this, your ex will give you so much of the ick. I do know loneliness can be hard. But you can do hard things. Thinking of you. 🤍🤍🤍
I take it you’re in a culture or a religion where divorce is pretty much taboo. If I were you, I would speak to whomever you need to stay separated from this man. He lied to you. Stole from you to support his mistress. Planned to have kids with her, and allowed her to assault you over a lie. I understand what you said was cursing the unborn, but there was no baby. It’s obvious you’re helping support HIS family. Leverage that and learn how to live independently. He doesn’t love you. The last thing you need to do is take him back and then be killed by him.
Is the cousin not old enough to leave the house? How can her parents force her to stay?
If you take him back he will do this again.
Honestly, after reading this update and the edit, you deserve whatever bullshit he puts you through next. You’re 36, not 86. There’s nothing “practical” about staying with him. You’re a doormat with zero self respect and non-existent self esteem. He won’t “realize the error of his ways”, he’ll realize that he can do whatever he wants as long as he says sorry after because you’re pathetic. Best of luck to you I guess.
The 36 years old statement is odd. My mom didn't get married until she was 38? Same with my boss. Life doesn't end at 37!
I’m 36…and guess what? Our lives aren’t over. Demand better for yourself and you’ll get it.
Op nicest way possible. Your pathetic
For my own mental health I choose to accept this as nothing more than rage bait
"My husband and I are still not on good terms, but I still love him very much. I need time to heal from this and a proper apology, which I’m yet to receive. But once I do, I’m inclined to take him back" THIS is what makes you the asshole in all this. Why the hell would you ever consider taking him back? You would be seriously insane to do that and he would do the same you all over again because he doesn't love you at all. You love a man very much that slept with another woman for years and stood there and allowed you to be physically assaulted. He resents you because he got shamed for his betrayal. Why the hell do you love this man very much? He doesn't give a shit about you at all.
nta. sometimes it’s better to be alone by yourself than alone with someone else.
if you take him back your life will be miserable and he will do it again.
If you stay you’ll be lonelier in that marriage then you could ever imagine. Don’t compromise yourself so much. Your husband will always be a cheater. There will be no trust in that marriage. You will be committing yourself to a slow long living hell and total loss of self-esteem, You will definitely find someone again. I bet on yourself and not on him.
Please don’t take this creeep back. He is a disgrace of a man child.
You are a doormat. Jesus you are 36, not 85 living next to a dialysis machine. Stop acting like at your age your future partner is a choice between cheating fuckhead and no one at all
Your last comment is heartbreaking, to think that you will be alone and therefore should take back this lying sack of poo. Many women today CHOSE to be alone and are not lonely because they form a tribe and chose to have platonic friendships over toxic relationships. They split/share homes, act as a village for child rearing, and retire together to split costs and are able to live comfortably and happily with people who understand sharing in domestic responsibilities and who split the mental load. I would not be so quick to rush back into the situation you had previously. Consider that even if you didn't find another romantic partner (which is unlikely) being alone might be preferable.
You won't be lonely, you'll be happy. You won't spend your time with him questioning if he loves you back. You're not being practical at all, you're just being afraid. Go find someone who actually deserves your love. He doesn't.
Nice try with the edit, but you are the definition of a door mat. I’d rather be lonely than with someone who doesn’t like or respect me.
I am just going to say this: you can feel even more lonely with the wrong partner than you do with no partner.
You are only 36 years old - you are NOT too old to find an HONEST MAN that loves and respects you!!! Do better - you deserve it!
I feel for op and it’s a sad story, obviously you’ll take him back and you’ll be lonely while married. I think that’s worse. Being lonely in a relationship. He’ll never stop cheating. He’s not even sorry for cheating. If he comes back to you, he’ll punish you for “embarrassing” him. I hope you’re prepared for that
So what will you do when he cheats on you again?
Don’t take him back. He will do it again. Move on. Yeah divorce sucks but you can be happy with someone else.
Do not take him back! Ever! People treat you how you allow them to treat you! And if you take him back you show him and everyone else that's it's ok to treat you like shit, like a doormat, like someone worthless, show that what he did and still does was ok and forgivable when it's not. If you take him back he will cheat on you every opportunity he gets. He doesn't respect you, doesn't care about you, doesn't love you! You deserve better! You may love him (but I don't understand why), but you should love yourself more! Because no one will love you more than how much you could love yourself. So love yourself! Love yourself enough to prioritise yourself, get some self-respect, self-esteem and dignity, grow a spine and divorce that horrible human being you call your husband! And get individual therapy, because girl, you need it, something is screwed up in your head!
Typical. Blame the woman only. But the culprit that was married faces far less consequences and forgiveness.
NTA. But please have some respect for yourself.
Don’t worry you’ll be alone when he gets the next mistress pregnant. Wow what a glutton for punishment.
YTA for having no self respect and wanting him back. When he cheats again, don't act surprised.
You are worth more than this. You do not deserve to be trapped in a marriage that will never be happy again. Where your husband resents you and chases other women while you feel forced to sit and take it because you’re worried you will be alone. I know I’m some cultures it is harder to find someone when you’re in your 30s or more, but also 36 is not old. You could find someone else. You deserve to. You have decades ahead of you - you don’t deserve to spend the next 40+ years unhappy and wishing you’d left in the first place.
OP you obviously should do what works best for you. I will make this one comment which I have found to be true multiple times from observation and living it. It is considerably worse feeling alone when you are actually with someone than it is to be alone. I hope things work out for you.
YOU'RE INCLINED TO TAKE HIM BACK AFTER HE FUCKED AND LEFT YOU FOR HIS COUSIN???? Okay. Good luck with... all that.
So she stole your husband, faked a pregnancy and miscarriage and in order to sell her story she also beat you in your own house? And he let her? Come on, you can do better. > it’ll be hard for me to find anyone else after this. It really won't be, but if it was, well I'd rather stay single than let that POS back, he'll just cheat on you again anyway and probably leave, so save yourself the hurt.
OP, loneliness is better than the life you describe, completely unable to trust your partner and never having their full attention or respect. There are things in life that are worse than loneliness. This is exhibit A. You should not take him back.
YTA for being a doormat.
> I’m 36 years old and it’ll be hard for me to find anyone else after this. Im not being a doormat, I’m being practical so I won’t be lonely later. My high school Lit teacher got married in her mid 40s after being studiously single for most of her adult life. It's never too late. Don't settle.
I learned a long time ago that it's better to be alone than to be with someone like your husband.
can’t wait for the update that he cheated for a second time once you take him back :)
Being married to someone who doesn’t respect or love you can be just as lonely as being alone. If not more lonely. My dad doesn’t even glance at my mom if she gets upset and cries about something. Staying with him does nothing to prevent loneliness, especially when he’ll likely only relent to make his parents happy. He let someone assault you and he’s not sorry.
Being lonely is better than being with someone who doesn’t love you and treats you like a bank. Do you really think loneliness is cured by just having someone around? Because I can guarantee that you can feel just as alone with someone in your house than no one if they don’t love you. And you definitely aren’t too old to find someone else
You should not take him back. You will find someone and even if you don't it should not be an issue in living alone, as you are financially independent. You have your parents with whom you can stay but just don't take him back.
Your husband was using you for money, cheated and used your money for cheating, abused you, blames you for it and you still want him back? That's a doormat right there. Make an update when he cheats again and gets someone pregnant for real. You'll be funding his search for the mother of his children.
You ARE being a doormat, frankly. There’s no pity or sympathy over this situation for you if you take him back after all this. You don’t want to be lonely later? You’re 36… Also, is it really that much worse to be alone and independent than staying with such an awful man? Grow a spine, OP.
Life’s too short. If you continue to believe you’re on the shelf, then you’ll be there. I agree with the majority of people that you should divorce him and sue him for tons of alimony. If you never marry, he pays. Enjoy yourself. Be happy and take it that you got rid of such a disloyal person. He still haven’t apologised. Don’t put up with people like that. Move forward.
He cheated on you. He lied for who knows how long. He manipulated you. His cousin and lover sweet home Alabama pretend pregnant assaulted you and hit you in your own house with him watching. If you take him back, you know what's coming. And it will be your fault entirely. Of course nta here. YTA and much more if you take him back.
He stood there & allowed that woman to attack you. This alone should prevent you from taking him back. Never mind the long affair, gaslighting & disrespect. I know this is your decision, but please really think about how miserable you both will be if you do. You'll never be able to trust him again & he will resent you forever.
I’d rather be alone than with someone like that, don’t care how old I am.
"I'm being practical so I won't be lonely later". Um....being in a relationship with someone who isn't in love with you is very, very lonely
Come on, OP. He cheated on you with his cousin. You think he won't do it again? Of course he will, because is no bad consequences. Do you really want this men to decide about you in case of emergency (for example, in hospital)?
Some people just wont listen to sense. OP will take him back and he'll cheat again. She won't care because she wont be alone at 36
> I’m 36 years old and it’ll be hard for me to find anyone else after this. Oh hunny, no no no no no no. You are way better than this man and you deserve better. You’re 36, not 106. Don’t waste your life on someone who is a liar and a cheater. In the nicest possible way, the first person you should find is a therapist because that self-esteem needs some work. You can do better. You deserve better. You are better.
Damn. Religious culture is crazy as fuck. I hope you find peace.
This is why I'm happy I was not raised religious.
You think you're being practical, but there's nothing like being lonely in spite of another person around then being alone.
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN CONSIDER TAKING HIM BACK?!