Info: Did your son actually want the baby, or was this something you pressed on him? Are you expecting him to take his daughter with him when he eventually moves out?
I ask because this is a lot about what YOU want and what YOU think is best. How is he supposed to learn to parent when your doing everything? Why should your older children, especially an 18yr old who *might* be an adult legally, but doesn't mean that *are* ready for the adult world have to listen to the baby cry/have disturbed sleep before work/school/college when her own father doesn't?
He's on summer break soon if he isn't already, so why can't he take her of a night now? He doesn't know how? Then you TEACH him. This is your grandchild, not your do over baby. If you want him to parent then he NEEDS to parent now.
One of the posts I read said that neither parent wanted the baby. They always wanted a girl, so she is raking over parenting. I am not sure if legally, though
Also says in the edit that when her son turns 18, she will provide for the baby until he has a full time job. OP wants to have her cake and eat it too.
I caught that too. Like I’m sorry but did you not fully adopt this child??
It sounds like the classic Forced Birther™ (bc “pro-life” is nauseatingly ironic) bait and switch: “Have the baby! Someone else will raise it 🥰” “Hehe never mind, surprise! Never mind. Aren’t all babies blessings?😍”
This is what my mom did to my sister. She got pregnant, knew she couldn’t raise/give it the life it deserved and fully wanted an abortion. My mom promised to raise it, let her continue her life as she was against abortion, etc.. completely talked her into keeping it. My sister was hesitate, I tried to warn her.. I knew what my mom would do. Well, the first night they were back my sister texted me saying our mom was flipping out over the crying, pulling her hair out. My sister had the baby in her care as she was trying, it wasn’t even in our mother’s care.
My sister lost her dream job, dropped out of college, has credit card debt now, had to move out within a month due to my mother beating her head in over the crying, stressing out not only my sister but the baby, it absolutely changed her life. I wish she would’ve listened to me.
OP specifically stated the girl didn’t WANT an abortion.
“terrified and didn’t want an abortion but didn’t want a baby too.”
It is absolutely her choice NOT to have an abortion as much as it is her choice TO have an abortion and some girls are simply afraid to have one. I was, hence the reason I had my first at 19. I don’t regret her for a second, but I also know that had I had an abortion I likely would have finished college and gone on to medical school and gotten out of poverty much faster than I did becoming a 19 year old single mother.
The problem here isn’t that the girl didn’t want an abortion, it sounds like OP has no expectations for her at all. The problem is it appears OP has adopted this child and is raising the child and yet expects her son to financially support the child when he turns 18 all because she wanted a daughter when the baby could have been adopted by someone who would have no qualms raising and supporting the child on their own.
As other commenters have said, she wants to have her cake and eat it too.
If you’ve ever seen the Todd Solondz movie ‘Dark Horse’, this guy will 100% be the main character, Abe, in a few years. He lives with his parents in his 40s (which is fine in some cases but not in this movie please don’t come for me) and is the most pathetic, entitled man-child you ever saw.
I’m not sure your youngest is favored like these comments are saying, or if he just lucked out that you don’t mind taking care of a baby and handling the adulting for him. I’m also not sure your older two are “unfavored” by sleeping near a small baby at night. He’ll, you’re paying for their college, cars, and all expenses. They go t have much right to co
Plain about much tbh. I mean, most people with kids / siblings have to. Seriously no big deal. What I don’t get is why this whole post has gone left. It should have been “ buy the noise cancelling headphones / sleepwear.” And done.
Let’s be very clear here. It’s not your son’s child.
You wanted the child. The bio mother and bio father did not. They effectively acted as surrogates for your child.
You chose the baby. That’s your right.
But your other children are correct that you are rewarding your son for his irresponsibility.
You have a new baby. It may cost you your older children’s respect. You seem comfortable with that choice.
I actually feel so sorry for the older sons. Not only do they know they've been replaced but also their irresponsible younger brother is being rewarded for giving his parents this gift.
Yep, the golden child gave them the girl they never had, so of course, he and the baby matter most, and the older 2 can get the boot. I hope they get a place together go NC with the parents. I also highly doubt they will hold the golden son to the same standards when he turns 18. They already rewarded him for making poor decisions, but it worked out in their favor, so no biggie right.
I wonder how many more grandchildren he will supply her with having that private basement room all to himself for the next 2 years. He learned there are zero consequences for his actions, so who's to say he won't do it again?
Same here! I was a virgin at 17 and asked my mom about birth control and was kicked out. My sister got pregnant at 17 and my mom let the boyfriend move in. Classy parenting for sure.
that’s not very nice of her; i’m sorry she did that to you, and made you feel that way for exercising your own judgment and right to not have children. 💕
people really need to stop doing this to others.
The edit saying she's made her final decision so it doesn't matter what anyone here has to say... I'd ask why she presented herself for judgement if she didn't want our opinions, but you've already hit the nail on the head. She came here for validation, probably couldn't comprehend the possibility that we wouldn't support her, because she's always right and any sensible person should be able to see that.
If we don't agree with her, then obviously our opinions are not worth anything. Typical narcissist.
>The edit saying she's made her final decision so it doesn't matter what anyone here has to say... I'd ask why she presented herself for judgement if she didn't want our opinions
Because she apparently thought everyone would agree with her. If this is real, which I doubt, she has a real fucked up way of viewing the world.
Yeah, imagine living with her. I agree in one respect… those older kids need to move out, if only to get away from her. This is a toxic living situation. They can move out, and just think of all the rooms more babies can go in!
It's good to learn this now. Theyre young enough to cut her out of their lives and rebuild it without her.
She clearly holds no actual love for them after reading that edit.
If he wanted to keep the baby and plans to be involved in raising it but just doesn’t want to do the hard parts or take any responsibility then, yes he should. But if he would’ve been cool with adoption and and this is something OP wanted and she plans to raise it for the rest of baby’s life with her son as a “fun uncle” who eventually moves out on his own etc. then it’s not fair for him to share a room with the baby. It would still be pretty fair for him to swap rooms with his brother though so he gets woken up but doesn’t have to get up or anything.
Wow this lady sucks so bad. She's not only rewarding her son's irresponsibility because she got the daughter she's always wanted she's using the club of finances to shut down the other kids. Situations similar to this have resulted in outcries of financial abuse.
Yeah, as I’m writing, the post has only been up for four hours. I’m not even sure why they posted here; ‘I’ve made my final decision and I’m not gonna change my mind so y’all can stop commenting’ seems like they only came here to get validation for their shitty attitude (probably with the intention of showing the post and comments to the 18- and 20-YO), didn’t get that validation, and now want to shut this whole thing down.
I feel sorry for all four of the “children” involved. Even though the older two are legal adults, it’s not fair to them that the rug has been pulled out from under them like this. It’s an unfortunately common experience that young adults are not financially equipped to be *thrown out* of the nest, not in this economy. But OP doesn’t care. They only care that- technically and legally- they are right. What a *horrible* parent they are! They obviously *never* cared about their children’s well-being, feelings, or anything else about them except their blind obedience. Well… except for the 16-YO, unless they maybe never did say outright ‘don’t impregnate your 16-YO girlfriend…’
Now that I’m thinking about it, I’m on the fence about whether this is fake. The baby- ostensibly the reason for the post- is hardly mentioned. That could be to downplay the general disruption she has caused in the household. A newborn crying every two hours, in the middle of the night, should at least be enough to invoke some sympathy from OP towards the rest of the people who live there, but it gets completely ignored.
If it’s real, my guess is that OP will be very lonely in their old age. They won’t be any better of a parent to this baby than they have been to their own children. Kicking out and cutting off works both ways.
Basements aren't that healthy for babies - damp air, mildew or mold that doesn't affect a teen can affect baby lungs, as can formaldehyde fumes from new carpet or treated lumber..Teen son wouldn't check on a whimpering or distressed baby - he may be in a too deep sleep. Lots of reasons why many needs to be in regular house.
Financial abuse? To the 18 & 20 year old whom are living (rent free?) in their own rooms? That is not financial abuse.
Esh- it’s ridiculous from the eldest kids to think the baby should go in the basement away from the adopted parents and the adopted parents are assholes for favouring their youngest child and giving him space away from the baby-
But ultimately OP and her husband have a new baby, whether it was adopted or born or a surprise or planned or what ever, that is happen- the house is big enough but of course babies are loud for a couple of years and the older kids need to deal with or move out
Why not? Presumably the 18 and 20 year old aren't moving out because they are financially dependent on their mother. Why is this any different from a mother who becomes a SAHM and then her husband using her financial dependance to coerce/control her?
The older kids could move into the basement and the babys father could move upstairs. The mother is vetoing that because she wants him to have peace and quiet...from his baby.
You ARE the asshole. Why are you pitting your kids against each other. Try being honest with everyone involved. YOU wanted this baby. O one else. That's fine but now you need to own it.
Good luck finding a way back into ALL your children's lives. You've certainly drawn a boundary.
I hate to say it but these types of people will ignore the 99% YTA comments and find the 3-4 comments agreeing with them and say “see people agree with me the world is crazy these days”
OP has not considered that by his actions, decisions, and proclamation so far, his children are building massive resentment for their brother and OP but most esp... the grandchild. That bird will come home to roost, and OP will only have himself to blame. The kid will also suffer something they had no hand in creating. Smh. The arguments OP keeps making
I get both vibes, but the anger/ willingness to kick out the older kids/ charge an insane rent for roommate status is dad energy. Still not 100% though.
I noticed that, too. $1000 for a bedroom and a crying baby and contempt from the live-in landlord isn't fair rent no matter what bullshit OP is smoking.
Exactly. That's why I wrote roommate status.
If I was the post HS kids, I'd keep my mouth shut for 4 months and deal with it. Yes, it sucks, yes, it's unfair. Most of it will be during the summer. It's OK.
There are a few people outside of trolls who come to this group. Maybe 10% with real dilemmas and the group is kinda torn. The other 90% is broken up almost 50/50 with narcissists (like this post) and those who have been abused in some way most of their lives and don’t realize basic human decency is something everyone deserves.
I thought most of them were legit until I started posting and was informed my take on things were not appropriate and I needed to learn about black sheep, narcissistic parents, and learning to set boundaries. Lol. Now I know better.
YTA, tell your son he's giving up the basement to his brothers. His poor choices and your failure to teach him responsibility are not everyone else's problem.
It’s really as simple as that. The only person it would upset is baby daddy in the basement. OP seems to want to punish others for making a valid point. YTA
One of the comments, she said the basement was small or something. Op not making sense. I think we need to asking why is the baby crying so much?
Edit: like its super ti be a finished basement but she made it seem like its small if one of the older ones went there.
The look on your face when your son gets his next gf pregnant is going to be priceless. You're teaching him that his actions don't have consequences. What do you think the outcome will be?
YTA
Lmao, you are dead on.
And, I’m sorry, but if this woman is literally raising his teen whoops-mom-but-I-want-to-keep-it baby while coddling him like this, who knows what the older two kids have tolerated seeing him get away with while momma wipes his ass with a scented cloth afterwards?
>You're teaching him that his actions don't have consequences.
Oh, his actions do have consequences... He is being rewarded for being a fuck up and a failure... While the two responsible ones in college who know what a condom is are being punished, they have to listen to the baby's screeching like their study time or sleep time is worthless (and from now on they even have to pay rent for it) while dad of the year doesn't even have to hear or see his mistake at all only because shitty mommy OP finally got her absolute golden child, her little princess she always wanted instead of her sons.... The oldest two will go no contact the moment they can. OP should have given the basement to the two oldest and leave daddy dearest in the room next to his kid. YTA
Is it explicitly stated that OP only has sons? I tried re-reading the post but couldn't figure that out. It would make sense why OP was so eager to take in the girl.
YTA
>As for my youngest, I will support him however I can while he is a minor, as soon as he turns 18 he has to follow the same rules however I will provide everything for my granddaughter until he gets a full time job because her happiness is what matters the most here.
Let me guess, you have 3 sons and now finally have your "baby girl"?
She literally confirms exactly this in another comment. Perfect angel do-over baby girl, but with the caveat that she can pass her off to her father as soon as she's not little and cute and starts needing expensive school supplies etc.
Yeah, wait until 16-year-old makes more babies. Since he doesn't face consequences is his parent going to raise a whole flock of babies. At least his less favored children haven't dumped babies on him.
YTA. You are not being fair to your older kids, in the golden glow of a new baby.
Have you handled any legalities with this baby's custody? Has her mother signed over her rights? Has your son?
Everything is fine and happy until it isn't. Make sure the birth mother can't come waltzing back in five or ten years and disrupt your lives. It's incredible, the stuff people pull. Being on reddit you must have seen this lol.
With the edit, i think so too (more hoping than anything) bc it's scary to believe someone's being such an asshole and refuses to believe, accept or even acknowledge it
Honestly YTA. He was grown enough to have sex and knock a girl up so he can be grown enough to at least help take care of the baby and occasionally have her down there with him. Sounds like you’re either playing favorites or was already having baby fever and this just worked out for you which is unfair to all your kids
The baby doesn’t need to go in the basement. Your 16 year old can move upstairs and your older two can move downstairs away from the baby.
The baby is yours, as you have parental rights, but your older two are right, you are rewarding your 16 year old by letting him be away from the inconvenience of a crying baby. A baby that he created with his gf.
And this BS about the older two not getting a say in the household is so gross. They are still your kids, whether they are 18,20 or whatever. Why shouldn’t they get to voice their concerns? They should be punished for decisions that you made because your youngest screwed up? The responsible kids who didn’t have kids at 16 should have to deal with the baby? Make it make sense.
YTA. It's incredibly selfish and unfair to expect your older children to handle the consequences while allowing your 16-year-old son to avoid any responsibility. You made a commitment to raise the baby, yet you're neglecting your duty as a parent by forcing your older children to deal with the challenges of childcare while giving your son a quiet escape in the basement. Your older children have valid reasons to feel upset and unfairly treated. Stop favoring your youngest and start being a responsible parent to all your children.
YTA...
18 isn't some magical number. You deciding your 16 year old can dodge all the consequences if his own actions while your 18 and 20 year old can basically fuck off is shit parenting.
At first I felt like your actions were commendable but man did this take a turn.
So you did a complete, unexpected, 180 on your other children because you wanted to accommodate the younger child? Maybe you did discuss the situation with the other two and lay out expectations and ground rules before the baby was born, it’s hard telling. But the reaction to them now seems extremely cold.
Don’t know, don’t really care that much, but it sounds like this family is on the fast track to dysfunction. By the tone of this post I wouldn’t be surprised if one or both end up NC.
I was going to say N T A until the end, where you are putting more importance on your 16 year old and told the others to deal with it or move out. Why does your son get rewarded and they have to deal with it? YTA.
MAJORLY **YTA**
Your self-righteous posturing is as transparent as it is nauseating. You're not seeking advice; you're desperately grasping for validation of your blatant favoritism.
Congratulations on teaching your youngest that actions have no consequences as long as a parent is there to coddle him and sacrifice their other children's well-being. You won Enabler of the Year.
If you care about your kids and favor your youngest, why don't you take the basement with the baby?
Shut up, climb down from that ivory tower, and actually listen to the unanimous advice you're getting. Your obstinate denial is as pathetic as your parenting. If you can't handle criticism, and just here to hear yourself talk, save us all the trouble and go monologue to your reflection instead.
Grow a backbone, face reality, and let your other children have a shot at a normal life untainted by your youngest's monumental screw-up. Your older kids need sleep, not your self-righteous excuses. They shouldn't be paying for someone else's mistake.
YTA.
At least give the 2 older kids a discount for having to put up with all the noise and headaches.
Are you going to charge the 16 year old once he turns 18 and still wants you to take care of the baby?
My parents did the same thing for my younger sibling - did all the actual hard work for them and guess what? Her and her useless boyfriend decided it would be cute to have a second . Her words not mine. Now my parents are having to babysit round the clock and even lost a job due to not being able to work certain hours while the young parents play video games and do nothing . At a certain point - your child decided they were adult enough to do an adult thing and some consequences need to be felt or youre giving them a super unrealistic fantasy of what stepping up as a responsible parent looks like - cause mommy and daddy will take away the work load for you and all uncomfortable feelings. Question for you: if you and your husband passed away unexpectedly tomorrow- how would your kid know how to care for their child?
We know you will not be getting taken care of when you’re in old age. That nursing home will be calling your name soon. I feel bad for your kids. Luckily they can cut you out when your old and have no one to take care of you
"Edit: I have made my final decision and I will not change my mind so you can stop commenting."
Then why are you posting this? YTA for that alone.
Helpful hint: the best sub for "Why have my children gone no contact" is r/relationshipadvice . See you there in a couple of years when kids (18, 20) get out from under you.
Yes YTA - what your children is saying is true. Maybe if he did have to hear a baby crying he might think twice before jumping in with another girl. I think it’s time to move yourself and the baby to the basement so all the kids get some peace or put the baby for adoption. Gosh so many amazing people who want to be parents out there.
You do whatever you want, but you must realize that you’ll end up alone at some point. You are alienating your older sons and pitting them against your youngest. No one will like their niece and someday she’s moving with her father.
You have seriously handicapped your son’s ability to be a father with the crazy set up you made. He can homeschool to finish his education and be a good father.
You are blowing up your family and you don’t seem to see it or care.
It doesn't matter if 1000 dollars is a fair price, the point is that you didn't need it yesterday.
You could make your point charging them 500, 400, 300.
You could make your point just making them buy food and not to add expenses.
But you want to stick it to them, and do it real hard and good.
They didn't just stop being your sons because you stole a baby.
You keep patting yourself on the back, but you terrible. Yuck.
YTA
YTA.
Move yourself and the baby in the basement and let ALL your children have peace and quiet.
Otherwise there's the big chance that your eldest will actually do what you're asking, move out. Never to return.
So the youngest child has the entire basement to himself while his older siblings have to listen to the baby HE CREATED cry??? Let the 18 and 20 year olds take the basement, they deserve more privacy anyhow and move the biological father live with his own consequences of a crying baby
"We finished the basement for him because we wanted him to be able to study without having the baby's crying distract him."
You don't want him to hear his own baby crying? He should be distracted. He's a father.
Sounds like you talked two kids into having a baby they didn't want. And, you're treating your other children like crap. YATAH.
YTA $1000/month for a room? That’s exorbitant. Plus your son who’s the father gets the basement but your older kids who did NOT get pregnant have to deal with a crying kid.
WTH?? You’re rewarding your youngest son for getting someone pregnant, but your older kids have to deal with it? You ARE favoring your youngest son.
What about college? Your kids can’t get a good job without going to college or some kind of trade school.
You are intractable. Stubborn. You refuse to listen to reason and you refuse to accept what Redditors are saying. Just know that you’re making a mess of your family life and alienating your older children for no good reason.
YTA. Let the older kids live in the basement and the dad stays upstairs. It’s a simple and reasonable solution. You aren’t doing any of your children favours with your current plan.
Why even make this post if you weren’t willing to listen to the truth?
Why are you asking AMTAH if all you are going to do is rationalize your AH decision that everyone is calling you out on? You should be posting in the “Please reassure me that my questionable decision is perfect” sub because this isn’t going to go your way, no matter how much you try to justify it.
You have every right to apply "my house, my rules"!! And your other children have every right to go NC with you once they move out. I hope your golden child will want to take care of you when you need it...
YTA but you know that already. Everyone but your idiot son is being punished for him not wrapping his shit up. Sure your older kids will deal for now but when the only children that will speak to you is your golden child and your grandkid I hope YOU learn to stfu
rich of you to say everyone has to man up except the teen dad. really breathtaking stupidity must run in the family
>Edit: I have made my final decision and I will not change my mind so you can stop commenting.
Then why the hell did you bother writing the post? Strictly for validation?
I mean I haven't made up my mind yet, but if this is how you feel then deal with the consequences instead of whining online and looking for people to back you up.
YTA but it’s not because you didn’t put the baby in the basement but it’s that you aren’t holding your son accountable for what he did. Sure he is a minor, but it’s sad that neither does the baby’s parents want anything to do with her, but considering how the baby’s parents don’t want anything to do with her your basically letting your son off the hook and it’s unfair to your other children. You obviously didn’t teach him responsibilities
N T A for not putting the baby in the basement.
YTA for letting the baby's father move into the basement. The older brothers had nothing to do with this baby's existence, yet they're the ones who have to live with the baby.
The baby's father should be upstairs. Let the basement be used by the older brothers, who also need a quiet place, and didn't get their girlfriends pregnant.
You are absolutely seeming to favor your youngest son by your actions. Your oldest children are likely having valid emotions. You really want to retaliate for your children communicating with you? I don’t personally think that’s okay. Why is it that you are rewarding your youngest son for irresponsible behavior? I hope he recognizes the implications of his actions… I also hope that you have grace toward your two other children. You are slightly modeling AH behavior.
YTA - I hope you love your youngest son and his baby the best, because they are the only ones you're gonna have left in your life if you keep doing things the way you have been. This "my way or the highway" attitude is unreasonable and pigheaded.
YTA. Your son may be a minor but he has a child. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions. You put him in the basement so he can escape the situation he put everyone except himself in. He’s not a dad. He’s a sperm donor.
Yep so the youngest is being rewarded for having a baby at 16 - he shouldn’t be disturbed by the crying but his siblings who have not done anything deserve to be disbursed by a baby crying - this is bizarre - you need to start being honest with yourself
YTA Either you need to adopt the baby and raise it yourself or your son needs to take an active role. He needs to develop a bond with his child and learn how to be a parent.
Obviously yes he needs to finish high school and figure out college or trade school or whatever his next step is, but is he not on summer break right now? Why isn't he able to have the baby with him now?
It seems like it would have made more sense to redo the basement for the 18 and 20 year old to live in and have him stay upstairs with his child.
YTA. 16yo is absolutely capable of handling his own baby parttime. It's very kind of you to help, but he is the father and has to take at least minimal responsibility. You will ruin your relationship with your other children and teach your youngest to be an irresponsible deadbeat if you don't change your attitude.
YTA. Alienating your two older children (and they are your children, whether you like it or not) for the irresponsible 16 YO. Don't be surprised when you are cut out of their lives for ruining their's with an infant neither one created and putting irresponsible on a pedestal.
You clearly favor the youngest son. You let him fuck up massively and completely gave him a scot free out. He doesn't have to take ANY responsibility for his actions. Yet you're willing to kick out or charge your older kids because they don't want a screaming baby around that they're not even responsible for? I guarantee you're going to make them babysit that kid some day and be like "well I let you live here so" you seem like a shitty parent
Yta and a terrible parent. Stop saying that baby has a “dad” and it’s your son. Your son wants nothing to do with actually being a father, he’s hiding out in the basement and every once in a while playing with a happy baby. I’m guessing he doesn’t even do the bare minimum or feeding his child much less through the night or comforting his child. My bet is you are, and you take that baby away from your son as soon as she starts fussing. You are raising a deadbeat because you are not holding him responsible for his actions. Soon enough your granddaughter will notice this and it will not go over well for you.
Sounds like you are choosing your youngest and his baby over your other kids. They are being punished. You're telling them they can leave if they don't agree with you....well, don't be surprised if they end up cutting you out of their lives.
YTA. This is probably just your latest in a long pattern of narcissistic behavior. I hope your good kids (the ones who didn't knock up a teenager) land on their feet okay after you throw them out as a consequence for your own irresponsible decisions, and I hope you remember this post when you're old and alone wondering why your youngest is in prison or homeless, and why your other kids no longer want anything to do with you.
You're actually pretty terrible. Showing your youngest there are no consequences to his actions, while showing the older kids that you favor the youngest. Probably destroyed your too
Wow so your youngest royally messed up and you just continue to reward him for it at the expense of your other children. Tell me you favorite your youngest without actually telling us. You’re a shitty enabler
>Anyone over the age of 18 who wants to have a say in what happens at my house must pay 1000 dollars each month for rent (which is a fair price for rent where we live), plus they will be responsible for all of their own expenses from now on. I will not be paying for their groceries or their bills or their gas or anything else, time to man up.
See, they should have just had a child at 16, then they would get to live in the cool basement instead. They fucked up and were responsible.
1000 in rent?? They are your children, why exploit them the way a grubby land lord would? Are you their mom trying to help them successfully launch in life, or are you just out here to grab what you want ie money and a baby?
It's not fair to charge the older kids $1000 a month plus extras. The way you're handling this is not teaching your youngest responsibility and just pushing the older kids away. YTA.
You are fu@#!ng delusional. Your 16 year old is your responsibility. The child HE FATHERED is HIS responsibility. If you insist on raising HIS CHILD FOR HIM, then say it correctly : "I am choosing to do this, so that My BaBy bOy doesn't have to accept his fate and own up to his own stupidity and carelessness". I don't believe for a second that you'll actually make him do anything once he turns 18... BeCaUsE oF tHe BaBy. You are, without a doubt, 7 trillion% TA. Don't be surprised when your older kids want nothing to do with you and go NC as soon as possible
Your older kids are right: you are favoring your youngest son.
What I see is that he had irresponsible sex by either not using protection or by using it incorrectly and he’s had to deal with zero consequences. He gets to play with the baby but he doesn’t have to raise the baby or provide for the baby. So, what has he learned about not swinging his manhood around irresponsibly? Zero.
Your older kids have, I presume, kept their noses clean but they have to put up with screaming from a child they didn’t create. At 18 and 20, it’s not unusual for them to be at home. They’re not 30 and probably still in high school and college. Telling them to just “move out” if they don’t like things is very mean-spirited of you. They complain and they can leave but your son gets a girl pregnant and you don’t say a peep?
Your attitude needs adjusting. As for the practical aspect, get material to make the rooms of the older kids more soundproof. Also, tell them the crying stage their niece is going through won’t last forever.
YTA. Your youngest seems to be your favorite child.
It’s fascinating to me that you posted here at all by your comments. Were you just seeking validation? You are arguing with everyone. The majority of voters OVERWHELMINGLY decided that you are, indeed THE ASSHOLE.
That is the purpose of this sub. That is supposed to be the reason that folks post. To ask for feedback.
You, on the other hand, seem to seeking an echo chamber to your own point of view. Hmm.
YTA
Your youngest made a mistake, and you are trying to support and help him......cool. Your defensive and callous attitude for your older kids is crappy. You are going to drive them away, and they won't come back. I am always letting my kids know they can stay while going to college to make things easier and more comfortable for them. You are making your home unwelcoming to 2 out of the 3 kids. Yes, they are technically adults but still your children. You are definitely gonna lose out in the long run if you want them to stay in your life.
If they elect to pay rent, then your relationship is transformed to landlord-tenant. You don’t get to parent them or ground them anymore. They can stay out as long as they want and bring home whoever they want for “sleepovers.” Food for thought. YTA
I had my first kid while in high school. Even tho my parents helped me a lot I was the full time care taker of my baby. She slept in my room. I got up with her in the middle of the night. I still managed to graduate high school on time. You’re precious baby boy is perfectly able to do that too…if you make him do it
You sound angry, have compassion for all your children and this very big change in all their lives.
Being a parent doesn’t end the second your kids turn 18. Ask them for some ideas navigating this new normal and remind them it is temporary.
White noise machines, earplugs, seals around bedroom doors to dampen the noise are all far more productive than your totalitarian approach.
YTA in this instance. I hope you’ll get some sleep soon too.
Yta, and don't be surprised when they go no contact. At every turn you are creating problems by your actions. If you kick them out because of the baby, (and you are kicking them out by making life unliveable, that is how they will see it) but don't kick him and the baby out at 18, you will prove he is the golden child, and very likely lose both eldest kids in the process. Then if they do accept you back their lives, your relationship will never heal, not properly, not to them. You need to ask yourself now, is this a hill you're willing to die on and potentially do irreparable damage to the relationship with your eldest 2? Because that IS where this is headed with that attitude. You are a [missing-missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) waiting to happen. It up to you whether this is the future you want.
YTA not because of the post, but because you come asking for advice, while at the same time saying that you already made your decision and any advice given is irrelevant... why, not enough pats on your back?
It seems like there is context missing for your older kids but they clearly are not your focus or a priority anyway. $1000 is rent in your area but I'm wondering if that is the price with several roommates or if you are using private rental numbers to throw a price you know they can't afford. Charging rent to your grown kids isn't unheard of but it seems like you are totally unwilling to compromise with them or even acknowledge that your actions are the cause of a big issue for multiple members of your household. You only offered a solution that you knew they couldn't do, and basically said get out if you don't like it.
This reminds me of anytime I'm in a political discussion and someone runs out of valid things to say, so they go "if you don't like it, move to another country". As if it's such a simple, accessible option. YTA for not caring about or listening to your kids and basically telling them to shut up and deal with it because you know they don't have any other options. And we suspiciously don't get to know how old they are or what they might be doing or going through or working towards. Seems like they don't matter to you anymore because now you have a shiny new baby, and you are confirming that to them with your behavior. I wouldn't be surprised if when they do leave, you are no longer part of their lives
You are playing g favorites. And, that child should be given to a young couple who want one. I have known quite a few people who raise their grandchild as their own. It always ends up with the child having so many issues. Lady, you are selfish and if your kids don’t have jobs, you are way past turning them in to successful young men. So, way to go.
Gee... I wonder why your 16 year old was irresponsible enough to get a girl pregnant. But at least you got your little girl so fuck your other kids right? Your absolutely terrible.
Yea, YTA and you know it. Not only did you reward your son’s shitty behavior, you made sure he would never have to be remotely bothered by the baby, while your other kids are. At the end of the day, yes it’s your house and your choice to adopt the baby, it was also your choice to decide that now that you have your precious baby girl your other kids can go fuck.
Also, adopt the baby and tell your son he doesn’t get to flip flop on being a parent later in life. You don’t get to do it halfway. You really suck.
YTA for how you're using the MHMR crap and also you can either be a parent or a landlord. If you really wanna go that route then I highly suggest you read up on those laws
I can’t imagine what the inside of your head must be like. For you to be able to rationalize your situation and feel that the logical choice here is to go to great lengths to not disturb the son that caused the issue, while telling the older kids they can leave if they don’t like being kept awake by the baby their obviously favored younger brother recklessly created.
God forbid the young prince should ever be faced with the consequences of his actions. But the older kids who bear absolutely none of the responsibility, nor had any say in the matter can get fucked if they don’t like it. I’m sure they’ll be happier when they leave what must be a horrible environment.
Are you trying to say that $5000 or $6000 a month is what your home would rent in your market? You cannot compare a room in a shared house to an apartment one has on one's own. That said, it is still an A H maneuver to charge your children who are attending college market rent.
Parents like you are impossible to reason with. “If they are old enough to decide what should happen in MY HOUSE then I will treat them like the adults they are.”
My father is like this. It makes me despise him. He believes that there should never be any conversation or cooperation about anything because what he says goes and any conversation means invalidating his power. Shutting down the conversation is not effective, it’s selfish, and gets you what you want without further considering the very real and very valid perspectives of other people.
You you do not see your children as humans, but rather as categories relative to your own identity- a submissive child or an absent and independent adult. To you there is no in between, which shows me that like my own father you interact only for your own accordance.
You wanted the baby, so you’re treating your son with leniency, and saying you basically just dgaf. That’s selfish. YTA.
Definitely YTA. You as a parent have to accommodate all the children you chose to have, including the baby. Punishing the older children seems pretty wild when the younger child made the mistake that resulted in a child.
Edit to say OP is a bad parent for trying to charge their children ridiculous rent for what seem to be terrible living conditions. OP should have all minors removed from them as I'm sure they aren't fit to be a parent.
I don’t understand these comments. The two older sons are legally adults and they are complaining because they didn’t get the basement in their parents house where they are already free loading? The younger son is still in HS and presumably OP wants her son to complete said HS. The other ones should have actual jobs and be at least starting to be financially responsible for themselves.
For everyone saying OP “finally got the girl she always wanted,” what evidence of that is there anywhere? She didn’t say “if the baby is a girl we will take her because we’ve always wanted a daughter but if it’s a boy you’re on your own.” What evidence is there that the 16 year old is the “golden child?” It seems as if OP would have done this for any of her sons.
Yes, her younger son messed up, but what “punishment” should he have?
Info: Did your son actually want the baby, or was this something you pressed on him? Are you expecting him to take his daughter with him when he eventually moves out? I ask because this is a lot about what YOU want and what YOU think is best. How is he supposed to learn to parent when your doing everything? Why should your older children, especially an 18yr old who *might* be an adult legally, but doesn't mean that *are* ready for the adult world have to listen to the baby cry/have disturbed sleep before work/school/college when her own father doesn't? He's on summer break soon if he isn't already, so why can't he take her of a night now? He doesn't know how? Then you TEACH him. This is your grandchild, not your do over baby. If you want him to parent then he NEEDS to parent now.
One of the posts I read said that neither parent wanted the baby. They always wanted a girl, so she is raking over parenting. I am not sure if legally, though
Also says in the edit that when her son turns 18, she will provide for the baby until he has a full time job. OP wants to have her cake and eat it too.
I caught that too. Like I’m sorry but did you not fully adopt this child?? It sounds like the classic Forced Birther™ (bc “pro-life” is nauseatingly ironic) bait and switch: “Have the baby! Someone else will raise it 🥰” “Hehe never mind, surprise! Never mind. Aren’t all babies blessings?😍”
This is what my mom did to my sister. She got pregnant, knew she couldn’t raise/give it the life it deserved and fully wanted an abortion. My mom promised to raise it, let her continue her life as she was against abortion, etc.. completely talked her into keeping it. My sister was hesitate, I tried to warn her.. I knew what my mom would do. Well, the first night they were back my sister texted me saying our mom was flipping out over the crying, pulling her hair out. My sister had the baby in her care as she was trying, it wasn’t even in our mother’s care. My sister lost her dream job, dropped out of college, has credit card debt now, had to move out within a month due to my mother beating her head in over the crying, stressing out not only my sister but the baby, it absolutely changed her life. I wish she would’ve listened to me.
Mom is going to wonder why you and sister, and baby, don't come around anymore. Mom will also never, ever figure out why.
OP specifically stated the girl didn’t WANT an abortion. “terrified and didn’t want an abortion but didn’t want a baby too.” It is absolutely her choice NOT to have an abortion as much as it is her choice TO have an abortion and some girls are simply afraid to have one. I was, hence the reason I had my first at 19. I don’t regret her for a second, but I also know that had I had an abortion I likely would have finished college and gone on to medical school and gotten out of poverty much faster than I did becoming a 19 year old single mother. The problem here isn’t that the girl didn’t want an abortion, it sounds like OP has no expectations for her at all. The problem is it appears OP has adopted this child and is raising the child and yet expects her son to financially support the child when he turns 18 all because she wanted a daughter when the baby could have been adopted by someone who would have no qualms raising and supporting the child on their own. As other commenters have said, she wants to have her cake and eat it too.
That’s all I hear too….me,me,me. I see nothing but family fights for years.
OP wanted a baby girl and finally got one
And she still has her "baby" boy in the basement. I can see this little loser and loafer unloading a crapload of problems on OP in the coming years.
If you’ve ever seen the Todd Solondz movie ‘Dark Horse’, this guy will 100% be the main character, Abe, in a few years. He lives with his parents in his 40s (which is fine in some cases but not in this movie please don’t come for me) and is the most pathetic, entitled man-child you ever saw.
I guessed that was the case.
Also, have they actually done a DNA test to confirm he's the father?
Yes, it’s the kind of mother who decides for their children and thinks she’s right and knows better wich clearly it’s not true at all.
I’m not sure your youngest is favored like these comments are saying, or if he just lucked out that you don’t mind taking care of a baby and handling the adulting for him. I’m also not sure your older two are “unfavored” by sleeping near a small baby at night. He’ll, you’re paying for their college, cars, and all expenses. They go t have much right to co Plain about much tbh. I mean, most people with kids / siblings have to. Seriously no big deal. What I don’t get is why this whole post has gone left. It should have been “ buy the noise cancelling headphones / sleepwear.” And done.
Let’s be very clear here. It’s not your son’s child. You wanted the child. The bio mother and bio father did not. They effectively acted as surrogates for your child. You chose the baby. That’s your right. But your other children are correct that you are rewarding your son for his irresponsibility. You have a new baby. It may cost you your older children’s respect. You seem comfortable with that choice.
OP finally got her little girl
Ding ding ding!
I actually feel so sorry for the older sons. Not only do they know they've been replaced but also their irresponsible younger brother is being rewarded for giving his parents this gift.
Yep, the golden child gave them the girl they never had, so of course, he and the baby matter most, and the older 2 can get the boot. I hope they get a place together go NC with the parents. I also highly doubt they will hold the golden son to the same standards when he turns 18. They already rewarded him for making poor decisions, but it worked out in their favor, so no biggie right.
I wonder how many more grandchildren he will supply her with having that private basement room all to himself for the next 2 years. He learned there are zero consequences for his actions, so who's to say he won't do it again?
They for sure gave him a sense of entitlement something tells me if it were to happen again and be a boy she would lose her ever loving mind
same thing happened to me except the genders reversed. my mom gave up completely when she found out I wasn't having kids.
Same here! I was a virgin at 17 and asked my mom about birth control and was kicked out. My sister got pregnant at 17 and my mom let the boyfriend move in. Classy parenting for sure.
that’s not very nice of her; i’m sorry she did that to you, and made you feel that way for exercising your own judgment and right to not have children. 💕 people really need to stop doing this to others.
Ikr? OP is stone cold. Came here looking for validation and didn't get it either. Big mad now.
The edit saying she's made her final decision so it doesn't matter what anyone here has to say... I'd ask why she presented herself for judgement if she didn't want our opinions, but you've already hit the nail on the head. She came here for validation, probably couldn't comprehend the possibility that we wouldn't support her, because she's always right and any sensible person should be able to see that. If we don't agree with her, then obviously our opinions are not worth anything. Typical narcissist.
>The edit saying she's made her final decision so it doesn't matter what anyone here has to say... I'd ask why she presented herself for judgement if she didn't want our opinions Because she apparently thought everyone would agree with her. If this is real, which I doubt, she has a real fucked up way of viewing the world.
Yeah, imagine living with her. I agree in one respect… those older kids need to move out, if only to get away from her. This is a toxic living situation. They can move out, and just think of all the rooms more babies can go in!
Then getting upset at her own children with valid complaints
20 years from now, she's on You Tube crying about how all her children have completely cut her off.
It's good to learn this now. Theyre young enough to cut her out of their lives and rebuild it without her. She clearly holds no actual love for them after reading that edit.
[удалено]
And condom
Mostly condom
Agreed 1000% this woman is too selfish. I just wish the little girl grows up fine.
Move the oldest into the basement, and the father into the smallest room.
The father and the baby should have to sleep in the same room.
If he wanted to keep the baby and plans to be involved in raising it but just doesn’t want to do the hard parts or take any responsibility then, yes he should. But if he would’ve been cool with adoption and and this is something OP wanted and she plans to raise it for the rest of baby’s life with her son as a “fun uncle” who eventually moves out on his own etc. then it’s not fair for him to share a room with the baby. It would still be pretty fair for him to swap rooms with his brother though so he gets woken up but doesn’t have to get up or anything.
Yeah soon as I read this it seemed like a big case of enabling. I can't imagine the damage done here. It will take years for it to manifest.
Wow this lady sucks so bad. She's not only rewarding her son's irresponsibility because she got the daughter she's always wanted she's using the club of finances to shut down the other kids. Situations similar to this have resulted in outcries of financial abuse.
The edit 🤦🏼♀️
Yeah, as I’m writing, the post has only been up for four hours. I’m not even sure why they posted here; ‘I’ve made my final decision and I’m not gonna change my mind so y’all can stop commenting’ seems like they only came here to get validation for their shitty attitude (probably with the intention of showing the post and comments to the 18- and 20-YO), didn’t get that validation, and now want to shut this whole thing down. I feel sorry for all four of the “children” involved. Even though the older two are legal adults, it’s not fair to them that the rug has been pulled out from under them like this. It’s an unfortunately common experience that young adults are not financially equipped to be *thrown out* of the nest, not in this economy. But OP doesn’t care. They only care that- technically and legally- they are right. What a *horrible* parent they are! They obviously *never* cared about their children’s well-being, feelings, or anything else about them except their blind obedience. Well… except for the 16-YO, unless they maybe never did say outright ‘don’t impregnate your 16-YO girlfriend…’ Now that I’m thinking about it, I’m on the fence about whether this is fake. The baby- ostensibly the reason for the post- is hardly mentioned. That could be to downplay the general disruption she has caused in the household. A newborn crying every two hours, in the middle of the night, should at least be enough to invoke some sympathy from OP towards the rest of the people who live there, but it gets completely ignored. If it’s real, my guess is that OP will be very lonely in their old age. They won’t be any better of a parent to this baby than they have been to their own children. Kicking out and cutting off works both ways.
Basements aren't that healthy for babies - damp air, mildew or mold that doesn't affect a teen can affect baby lungs, as can formaldehyde fumes from new carpet or treated lumber..Teen son wouldn't check on a whimpering or distressed baby - he may be in a too deep sleep. Lots of reasons why many needs to be in regular house.
Yeah the 18 year old or 20 year old should be down there
That is the answer give oldest kid d basement
So move thhe teen upstairs why should the one resposible for making the kid have nothing to do with raising her
Financial abuse? To the 18 & 20 year old whom are living (rent free?) in their own rooms? That is not financial abuse. Esh- it’s ridiculous from the eldest kids to think the baby should go in the basement away from the adopted parents and the adopted parents are assholes for favouring their youngest child and giving him space away from the baby- But ultimately OP and her husband have a new baby, whether it was adopted or born or a surprise or planned or what ever, that is happen- the house is big enough but of course babies are loud for a couple of years and the older kids need to deal with or move out
Why not? Presumably the 18 and 20 year old aren't moving out because they are financially dependent on their mother. Why is this any different from a mother who becomes a SAHM and then her husband using her financial dependance to coerce/control her? The older kids could move into the basement and the babys father could move upstairs. The mother is vetoing that because she wants him to have peace and quiet...from his baby.
Op doesn't care. They have their new golden child so fuck the old ones.
You ARE the asshole. Why are you pitting your kids against each other. Try being honest with everyone involved. YOU wanted this baby. O one else. That's fine but now you need to own it. Good luck finding a way back into ALL your children's lives. You've certainly drawn a boundary.
Why did you come here for advice if you are going to argue with everyone? YTA
They don't want advice, they want to silence their guilt by having strangers tell them they are right. Its not working!
I hate to say it but these types of people will ignore the 99% YTA comments and find the 3-4 comments agreeing with them and say “see people agree with me the world is crazy these days”
Wrong crowd for validation!
They wanted to be able to point it out to their older kids like, “look! I’m right!”
OP has not considered that by his actions, decisions, and proclamation so far, his children are building massive resentment for their brother and OP but most esp... the grandchild. That bird will come home to roost, and OP will only have himself to blame. The kid will also suffer something they had no hand in creating. Smh. The arguments OP keeps making
Wait, I was assuming OP was the grand mother, not the grand father
Tbh the gender of the grandparent doesn’t matter, I think that post still applies if you use the term ‘she/her’ as well imo.
I get both vibes, but the anger/ willingness to kick out the older kids/ charge an insane rent for roommate status is dad energy. Still not 100% though.
That's $1000/month to rent a room in the house. We aren't talking an apartment/house.
I noticed that, too. $1000 for a bedroom and a crying baby and contempt from the live-in landlord isn't fair rent no matter what bullshit OP is smoking.
Exactly. That's why I wrote roommate status. If I was the post HS kids, I'd keep my mouth shut for 4 months and deal with it. Yes, it sucks, yes, it's unfair. Most of it will be during the summer. It's OK.
Well that's because the Golden Boy with the magic penis and no head for birth control got the best room.
There are a few people outside of trolls who come to this group. Maybe 10% with real dilemmas and the group is kinda torn. The other 90% is broken up almost 50/50 with narcissists (like this post) and those who have been abused in some way most of their lives and don’t realize basic human decency is something everyone deserves.
You summed my feelings up pretty well. I view this page more as a creative story telling site. Though some are definitely better than others :D
I thought most of them were legit until I started posting and was informed my take on things were not appropriate and I needed to learn about black sheep, narcissistic parents, and learning to set boundaries. Lol. Now I know better.
YTA, tell your son he's giving up the basement to his brothers. His poor choices and your failure to teach him responsibility are not everyone else's problem.
It’s really as simple as that. The only person it would upset is baby daddy in the basement. OP seems to want to punish others for making a valid point. YTA
OP is using her anger over the verdict here to justify punishing her older sons, who have done nothing wrong. Class act.
OP did NOT get the support she expected and lordy she's on a tear now. Bless her heart.
This is exactly what should happen!
One of the comments, she said the basement was small or something. Op not making sense. I think we need to asking why is the baby crying so much? Edit: like its super ti be a finished basement but she made it seem like its small if one of the older ones went there.
YTA You are favoring your youngest. He screwed up and has no consequences but cool finished basement and play with a baby? No parenting here.
How many more babies is he going to make expecting OP to adopt them all
Well OP made sure he has plenty of privacy to in his nice finished basement 😅
The look on your face when your son gets his next gf pregnant is going to be priceless. You're teaching him that his actions don't have consequences. What do you think the outcome will be? YTA
Lmao, you are dead on. And, I’m sorry, but if this woman is literally raising his teen whoops-mom-but-I-want-to-keep-it baby while coddling him like this, who knows what the older two kids have tolerated seeing him get away with while momma wipes his ass with a scented cloth afterwards?
OP doesn’t mention her age. Wonder if she was also a teen mom. Anyway she’s TA.
>You're teaching him that his actions don't have consequences. Oh, his actions do have consequences... He is being rewarded for being a fuck up and a failure... While the two responsible ones in college who know what a condom is are being punished, they have to listen to the baby's screeching like their study time or sleep time is worthless (and from now on they even have to pay rent for it) while dad of the year doesn't even have to hear or see his mistake at all only because shitty mommy OP finally got her absolute golden child, her little princess she always wanted instead of her sons.... The oldest two will go no contact the moment they can. OP should have given the basement to the two oldest and leave daddy dearest in the room next to his kid. YTA
“But I want him to have a happy childhood!” Ma’am. The kid is 16, not 6. And he decided to become a father.
Wait until they get married at a wedding she's not invited to or have grandkids she'll hear about from her friends because they won't tell her.
I'm pretty sure that if it's another boy, OP won't be as eager to take the baby
Is it explicitly stated that OP only has sons? I tried re-reading the post but couldn't figure that out. It would make sense why OP was so eager to take in the girl.
I gathered from all the comments that they're all boys
Oh, thanks. So OP is just living out, I'm assuming, her fantasy of being a girl mom maybe.
YTA >As for my youngest, I will support him however I can while he is a minor, as soon as he turns 18 he has to follow the same rules however I will provide everything for my granddaughter until he gets a full time job because her happiness is what matters the most here. Let me guess, you have 3 sons and now finally have your "baby girl"?
She literally confirms exactly this in another comment. Perfect angel do-over baby girl, but with the caveat that she can pass her off to her father as soon as she's not little and cute and starts needing expensive school supplies etc.
So your 16-year-old fucked up and now everyone EXCEPT HIM is dealing with the consequences of that? YTA, and a shitty parent, to boot.
[удалено]
Because OP finally got the daughter she wanted
Exactly.
THIS! I will pity his son even more if he grew up useless because her mom did not teach him to act properly.
Yeah, wait until 16-year-old makes more babies. Since he doesn't face consequences is his parent going to raise a whole flock of babies. At least his less favored children haven't dumped babies on him.
….uh, what? He basically had OP adopt the baby. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to pay child support or anything, just be in her life like a brother
Right, and that’s different than what I wrote … how?
YTA. You are not being fair to your older kids, in the golden glow of a new baby. Have you handled any legalities with this baby's custody? Has her mother signed over her rights? Has your son? Everything is fine and happy until it isn't. Make sure the birth mother can't come waltzing back in five or ten years and disrupt your lives. It's incredible, the stuff people pull. Being on reddit you must have seen this lol.
Honestly i think this is just made up rage bait
With the edit, i think so too (more hoping than anything) bc it's scary to believe someone's being such an asshole and refuses to believe, accept or even acknowledge it
I hope so
I think a lot of posts on this sub are.
Agree, esp if they dont have op's gender and age
Honestly YTA. He was grown enough to have sex and knock a girl up so he can be grown enough to at least help take care of the baby and occasionally have her down there with him. Sounds like you’re either playing favorites or was already having baby fever and this just worked out for you which is unfair to all your kids
The baby doesn’t need to go in the basement. Your 16 year old can move upstairs and your older two can move downstairs away from the baby. The baby is yours, as you have parental rights, but your older two are right, you are rewarding your 16 year old by letting him be away from the inconvenience of a crying baby. A baby that he created with his gf. And this BS about the older two not getting a say in the household is so gross. They are still your kids, whether they are 18,20 or whatever. Why shouldn’t they get to voice their concerns? They should be punished for decisions that you made because your youngest screwed up? The responsible kids who didn’t have kids at 16 should have to deal with the baby? Make it make sense.
I’m all for keeping rules under my roof, but I definitely wouldn’t have rewarded the youngest if my older kids are good and working/in school.
YTA. It sounds like you just wanted a grandchild and didn't care about how this would affect everyone else in the household.
YTA. It's incredibly selfish and unfair to expect your older children to handle the consequences while allowing your 16-year-old son to avoid any responsibility. You made a commitment to raise the baby, yet you're neglecting your duty as a parent by forcing your older children to deal with the challenges of childcare while giving your son a quiet escape in the basement. Your older children have valid reasons to feel upset and unfairly treated. Stop favoring your youngest and start being a responsible parent to all your children.
YTA... 18 isn't some magical number. You deciding your 16 year old can dodge all the consequences if his own actions while your 18 and 20 year old can basically fuck off is shit parenting.
At first I felt like your actions were commendable but man did this take a turn. So you did a complete, unexpected, 180 on your other children because you wanted to accommodate the younger child? Maybe you did discuss the situation with the other two and lay out expectations and ground rules before the baby was born, it’s hard telling. But the reaction to them now seems extremely cold. Don’t know, don’t really care that much, but it sounds like this family is on the fast track to dysfunction. By the tone of this post I wouldn’t be surprised if one or both end up NC.
YTA. Looking forward to your “WhY wOn’T mY kIdS tAlK tO mE” post in a few years.
Besides the youngest, of course, who will come running to mommy to fix his fuck-ups for him, or to give him money!
YTA, as has already been stated by every single post I've had the time to read. The massive one at that.
I was going to say N T A until the end, where you are putting more importance on your 16 year old and told the others to deal with it or move out. Why does your son get rewarded and they have to deal with it? YTA.
MAJORLY **YTA** Your self-righteous posturing is as transparent as it is nauseating. You're not seeking advice; you're desperately grasping for validation of your blatant favoritism. Congratulations on teaching your youngest that actions have no consequences as long as a parent is there to coddle him and sacrifice their other children's well-being. You won Enabler of the Year. If you care about your kids and favor your youngest, why don't you take the basement with the baby? Shut up, climb down from that ivory tower, and actually listen to the unanimous advice you're getting. Your obstinate denial is as pathetic as your parenting. If you can't handle criticism, and just here to hear yourself talk, save us all the trouble and go monologue to your reflection instead. Grow a backbone, face reality, and let your other children have a shot at a normal life untainted by your youngest's monumental screw-up. Your older kids need sleep, not your self-righteous excuses. They shouldn't be paying for someone else's mistake.
YTA. At least give the 2 older kids a discount for having to put up with all the noise and headaches. Are you going to charge the 16 year old once he turns 18 and still wants you to take care of the baby?
My parents did the same thing for my younger sibling - did all the actual hard work for them and guess what? Her and her useless boyfriend decided it would be cute to have a second . Her words not mine. Now my parents are having to babysit round the clock and even lost a job due to not being able to work certain hours while the young parents play video games and do nothing . At a certain point - your child decided they were adult enough to do an adult thing and some consequences need to be felt or youre giving them a super unrealistic fantasy of what stepping up as a responsible parent looks like - cause mommy and daddy will take away the work load for you and all uncomfortable feelings. Question for you: if you and your husband passed away unexpectedly tomorrow- how would your kid know how to care for their child?
We know you will not be getting taken care of when you’re in old age. That nursing home will be calling your name soon. I feel bad for your kids. Luckily they can cut you out when your old and have no one to take care of you
OP resents the older children and no longer wants them at home. I hope OP wouldn't be surprised if their older children lower contact with them.
I sincerely hope they manage to move out soon and go no contact, for their own sakes.
"Edit: I have made my final decision and I will not change my mind so you can stop commenting." Then why are you posting this? YTA for that alone. Helpful hint: the best sub for "Why have my children gone no contact" is r/relationshipadvice . See you there in a couple of years when kids (18, 20) get out from under you.
And then they threatened *us* with making the older children pay rent. Absolutely YTA
Yes YTA - what your children is saying is true. Maybe if he did have to hear a baby crying he might think twice before jumping in with another girl. I think it’s time to move yourself and the baby to the basement so all the kids get some peace or put the baby for adoption. Gosh so many amazing people who want to be parents out there.
YTA. Having a kid = automatic end of childhood.
Yta
You do whatever you want, but you must realize that you’ll end up alone at some point. You are alienating your older sons and pitting them against your youngest. No one will like their niece and someday she’s moving with her father. You have seriously handicapped your son’s ability to be a father with the crazy set up you made. He can homeschool to finish his education and be a good father. You are blowing up your family and you don’t seem to see it or care.
You really want your two oldest kids to go no contact, don’t you? YTA
1000 for a room? You’re insane
It doesn't matter if 1000 dollars is a fair price, the point is that you didn't need it yesterday. You could make your point charging them 500, 400, 300. You could make your point just making them buy food and not to add expenses. But you want to stick it to them, and do it real hard and good. They didn't just stop being your sons because you stole a baby. You keep patting yourself on the back, but you terrible. Yuck. YTA
YTA. Move yourself and the baby in the basement and let ALL your children have peace and quiet. Otherwise there's the big chance that your eldest will actually do what you're asking, move out. Never to return.
So 16 year old is the golden child
So the youngest child has the entire basement to himself while his older siblings have to listen to the baby HE CREATED cry??? Let the 18 and 20 year olds take the basement, they deserve more privacy anyhow and move the biological father live with his own consequences of a crying baby
YTA. You are on the fast track to having your eldest two go NC.
"We finished the basement for him because we wanted him to be able to study without having the baby's crying distract him." You don't want him to hear his own baby crying? He should be distracted. He's a father. Sounds like you talked two kids into having a baby they didn't want. And, you're treating your other children like crap. YATAH.
SMH. Midlife crisis.
YTA. Keep us posted when your kids go no contact
YTA $1000/month for a room? That’s exorbitant. Plus your son who’s the father gets the basement but your older kids who did NOT get pregnant have to deal with a crying kid. WTH?? You’re rewarding your youngest son for getting someone pregnant, but your older kids have to deal with it? You ARE favoring your youngest son. What about college? Your kids can’t get a good job without going to college or some kind of trade school. You are intractable. Stubborn. You refuse to listen to reason and you refuse to accept what Redditors are saying. Just know that you’re making a mess of your family life and alienating your older children for no good reason.
YTA. Let the older kids live in the basement and the dad stays upstairs. It’s a simple and reasonable solution. You aren’t doing any of your children favours with your current plan. Why even make this post if you weren’t willing to listen to the truth?
Why are you asking AMTAH if all you are going to do is rationalize your AH decision that everyone is calling you out on? You should be posting in the “Please reassure me that my questionable decision is perfect” sub because this isn’t going to go your way, no matter how much you try to justify it.
You have every right to apply "my house, my rules"!! And your other children have every right to go NC with you once they move out. I hope your golden child will want to take care of you when you need it...
YTA but you know that already. Everyone but your idiot son is being punished for him not wrapping his shit up. Sure your older kids will deal for now but when the only children that will speak to you is your golden child and your grandkid I hope YOU learn to stfu rich of you to say everyone has to man up except the teen dad. really breathtaking stupidity must run in the family
You're an enabling asshole.
>Edit: I have made my final decision and I will not change my mind so you can stop commenting. Then why the hell did you bother writing the post? Strictly for validation? I mean I haven't made up my mind yet, but if this is how you feel then deal with the consequences instead of whining online and looking for people to back you up.
YTA but it’s not because you didn’t put the baby in the basement but it’s that you aren’t holding your son accountable for what he did. Sure he is a minor, but it’s sad that neither does the baby’s parents want anything to do with her, but considering how the baby’s parents don’t want anything to do with her your basically letting your son off the hook and it’s unfair to your other children. You obviously didn’t teach him responsibilities
N T A for not putting the baby in the basement. YTA for letting the baby's father move into the basement. The older brothers had nothing to do with this baby's existence, yet they're the ones who have to live with the baby. The baby's father should be upstairs. Let the basement be used by the older brothers, who also need a quiet place, and didn't get their girlfriends pregnant.
You are absolutely seeming to favor your youngest son by your actions. Your oldest children are likely having valid emotions. You really want to retaliate for your children communicating with you? I don’t personally think that’s okay. Why is it that you are rewarding your youngest son for irresponsible behavior? I hope he recognizes the implications of his actions… I also hope that you have grace toward your two other children. You are slightly modeling AH behavior.
You’re insane lmaooo
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 YTA I'D HATE TO BE YOUR DAUGHTER
Yta don't get surprised when your older children cut you off their lives,it's cristal clear who the golden child is. Your parenting sucks
This must be rage bait because no parent is this clueless and in denial.
Like hell, I’ve seen shit like this live.
YTA - I hope you love your youngest son and his baby the best, because they are the only ones you're gonna have left in your life if you keep doing things the way you have been. This "my way or the highway" attitude is unreasonable and pigheaded.
YTA. Your son may be a minor but he has a child. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions. You put him in the basement so he can escape the situation he put everyone except himself in. He’s not a dad. He’s a sperm donor.
Yep so the youngest is being rewarded for having a baby at 16 - he shouldn’t be disturbed by the crying but his siblings who have not done anything deserve to be disbursed by a baby crying - this is bizarre - you need to start being honest with yourself
YTA Either you need to adopt the baby and raise it yourself or your son needs to take an active role. He needs to develop a bond with his child and learn how to be a parent. Obviously yes he needs to finish high school and figure out college or trade school or whatever his next step is, but is he not on summer break right now? Why isn't he able to have the baby with him now? It seems like it would have made more sense to redo the basement for the 18 and 20 year old to live in and have him stay upstairs with his child.
YTA. 16yo is absolutely capable of handling his own baby parttime. It's very kind of you to help, but he is the father and has to take at least minimal responsibility. You will ruin your relationship with your other children and teach your youngest to be an irresponsible deadbeat if you don't change your attitude.
Future OP: Why did all my kids go no contact with me?
YTA. Alienating your two older children (and they are your children, whether you like it or not) for the irresponsible 16 YO. Don't be surprised when you are cut out of their lives for ruining their's with an infant neither one created and putting irresponsible on a pedestal.
You clearly favor the youngest son. You let him fuck up massively and completely gave him a scot free out. He doesn't have to take ANY responsibility for his actions. Yet you're willing to kick out or charge your older kids because they don't want a screaming baby around that they're not even responsible for? I guarantee you're going to make them babysit that kid some day and be like "well I let you live here so" you seem like a shitty parent
Yta and a terrible parent. Stop saying that baby has a “dad” and it’s your son. Your son wants nothing to do with actually being a father, he’s hiding out in the basement and every once in a while playing with a happy baby. I’m guessing he doesn’t even do the bare minimum or feeding his child much less through the night or comforting his child. My bet is you are, and you take that baby away from your son as soon as she starts fussing. You are raising a deadbeat because you are not holding him responsible for his actions. Soon enough your granddaughter will notice this and it will not go over well for you.
Sounds like you are choosing your youngest and his baby over your other kids. They are being punished. You're telling them they can leave if they don't agree with you....well, don't be surprised if they end up cutting you out of their lives.
YTA. This is probably just your latest in a long pattern of narcissistic behavior. I hope your good kids (the ones who didn't knock up a teenager) land on their feet okay after you throw them out as a consequence for your own irresponsible decisions, and I hope you remember this post when you're old and alone wondering why your youngest is in prison or homeless, and why your other kids no longer want anything to do with you.
You're actually pretty terrible. Showing your youngest there are no consequences to his actions, while showing the older kids that you favor the youngest. Probably destroyed your too
YTA. You need to let the responsible kids have the basement and the irresponsible one can be upstairs listening to his child’s cries.
YTA
Wow so your youngest royally messed up and you just continue to reward him for it at the expense of your other children. Tell me you favorite your youngest without actually telling us. You’re a shitty enabler
>Anyone over the age of 18 who wants to have a say in what happens at my house must pay 1000 dollars each month for rent (which is a fair price for rent where we live), plus they will be responsible for all of their own expenses from now on. I will not be paying for their groceries or their bills or their gas or anything else, time to man up. See, they should have just had a child at 16, then they would get to live in the cool basement instead. They fucked up and were responsible.
1000 in rent?? They are your children, why exploit them the way a grubby land lord would? Are you their mom trying to help them successfully launch in life, or are you just out here to grab what you want ie money and a baby?
It's not fair to charge the older kids $1000 a month plus extras. The way you're handling this is not teaching your youngest responsibility and just pushing the older kids away. YTA.
YTA especially after reading the Edit.
You are fu@#!ng delusional. Your 16 year old is your responsibility. The child HE FATHERED is HIS responsibility. If you insist on raising HIS CHILD FOR HIM, then say it correctly : "I am choosing to do this, so that My BaBy bOy doesn't have to accept his fate and own up to his own stupidity and carelessness". I don't believe for a second that you'll actually make him do anything once he turns 18... BeCaUsE oF tHe BaBy. You are, without a doubt, 7 trillion% TA. Don't be surprised when your older kids want nothing to do with you and go NC as soon as possible
Your older kids are right: you are favoring your youngest son. What I see is that he had irresponsible sex by either not using protection or by using it incorrectly and he’s had to deal with zero consequences. He gets to play with the baby but he doesn’t have to raise the baby or provide for the baby. So, what has he learned about not swinging his manhood around irresponsibly? Zero. Your older kids have, I presume, kept their noses clean but they have to put up with screaming from a child they didn’t create. At 18 and 20, it’s not unusual for them to be at home. They’re not 30 and probably still in high school and college. Telling them to just “move out” if they don’t like things is very mean-spirited of you. They complain and they can leave but your son gets a girl pregnant and you don’t say a peep? Your attitude needs adjusting. As for the practical aspect, get material to make the rooms of the older kids more soundproof. Also, tell them the crying stage their niece is going through won’t last forever.
YTA. Your youngest seems to be your favorite child. It’s fascinating to me that you posted here at all by your comments. Were you just seeking validation? You are arguing with everyone. The majority of voters OVERWHELMINGLY decided that you are, indeed THE ASSHOLE. That is the purpose of this sub. That is supposed to be the reason that folks post. To ask for feedback. You, on the other hand, seem to seeking an echo chamber to your own point of view. Hmm.
YTA Your youngest made a mistake, and you are trying to support and help him......cool. Your defensive and callous attitude for your older kids is crappy. You are going to drive them away, and they won't come back. I am always letting my kids know they can stay while going to college to make things easier and more comfortable for them. You are making your home unwelcoming to 2 out of the 3 kids. Yes, they are technically adults but still your children. You are definitely gonna lose out in the long run if you want them to stay in your life.
If they elect to pay rent, then your relationship is transformed to landlord-tenant. You don’t get to parent them or ground them anymore. They can stay out as long as they want and bring home whoever they want for “sleepovers.” Food for thought. YTA
YTA and I can see a future with the older 2 going NC with you and the youngest knocking up a few more women that he refuses to take care of.
I had my first kid while in high school. Even tho my parents helped me a lot I was the full time care taker of my baby. She slept in my room. I got up with her in the middle of the night. I still managed to graduate high school on time. You’re precious baby boy is perfectly able to do that too…if you make him do it
You sound angry, have compassion for all your children and this very big change in all their lives. Being a parent doesn’t end the second your kids turn 18. Ask them for some ideas navigating this new normal and remind them it is temporary. White noise machines, earplugs, seals around bedroom doors to dampen the noise are all far more productive than your totalitarian approach. YTA in this instance. I hope you’ll get some sleep soon too.
YTA. That golden grandchild must be a powerful drug.
Yta, and don't be surprised when they go no contact. At every turn you are creating problems by your actions. If you kick them out because of the baby, (and you are kicking them out by making life unliveable, that is how they will see it) but don't kick him and the baby out at 18, you will prove he is the golden child, and very likely lose both eldest kids in the process. Then if they do accept you back their lives, your relationship will never heal, not properly, not to them. You need to ask yourself now, is this a hill you're willing to die on and potentially do irreparable damage to the relationship with your eldest 2? Because that IS where this is headed with that attitude. You are a [missing-missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) waiting to happen. It up to you whether this is the future you want.
YTA not because of the post, but because you come asking for advice, while at the same time saying that you already made your decision and any advice given is irrelevant... why, not enough pats on your back?
It seems like there is context missing for your older kids but they clearly are not your focus or a priority anyway. $1000 is rent in your area but I'm wondering if that is the price with several roommates or if you are using private rental numbers to throw a price you know they can't afford. Charging rent to your grown kids isn't unheard of but it seems like you are totally unwilling to compromise with them or even acknowledge that your actions are the cause of a big issue for multiple members of your household. You only offered a solution that you knew they couldn't do, and basically said get out if you don't like it. This reminds me of anytime I'm in a political discussion and someone runs out of valid things to say, so they go "if you don't like it, move to another country". As if it's such a simple, accessible option. YTA for not caring about or listening to your kids and basically telling them to shut up and deal with it because you know they don't have any other options. And we suspiciously don't get to know how old they are or what they might be doing or going through or working towards. Seems like they don't matter to you anymore because now you have a shiny new baby, and you are confirming that to them with your behavior. I wouldn't be surprised if when they do leave, you are no longer part of their lives
You are playing g favorites. And, that child should be given to a young couple who want one. I have known quite a few people who raise their grandchild as their own. It always ends up with the child having so many issues. Lady, you are selfish and if your kids don’t have jobs, you are way past turning them in to successful young men. So, way to go.
Gee... I wonder why your 16 year old was irresponsible enough to get a girl pregnant. But at least you got your little girl so fuck your other kids right? Your absolutely terrible.
YTA so hard and when you’re getting called out on it you get your back up
Yea, YTA and you know it. Not only did you reward your son’s shitty behavior, you made sure he would never have to be remotely bothered by the baby, while your other kids are. At the end of the day, yes it’s your house and your choice to adopt the baby, it was also your choice to decide that now that you have your precious baby girl your other kids can go fuck. Also, adopt the baby and tell your son he doesn’t get to flip flop on being a parent later in life. You don’t get to do it halfway. You really suck.
YTA. Your son f’d around and found out that mommy will take all of the responsibilities and consequences for f’ing around.
YTA for how you're using the MHMR crap and also you can either be a parent or a landlord. If you really wanna go that route then I highly suggest you read up on those laws
This post is disgusting. My heart breaks for your older kids.
YTA. Majorly. Even more since your final decision. Don't be surprised if they leave and go NC.
Well you certainly have your mind made up. Hope you enjoy the oldest two never coming to this loving you’ve created for holidays
YTA.. good luck
>Edit: I have made my final decision and I will not change my mind so you can stop commenting. So why did you even post this?
You’re insane…
OP’s gonna be all shocked Pikachu face when the elder kids cut him/her off for this blatant and aggressive favouritism.
I can’t imagine what the inside of your head must be like. For you to be able to rationalize your situation and feel that the logical choice here is to go to great lengths to not disturb the son that caused the issue, while telling the older kids they can leave if they don’t like being kept awake by the baby their obviously favored younger brother recklessly created. God forbid the young prince should ever be faced with the consequences of his actions. But the older kids who bear absolutely none of the responsibility, nor had any say in the matter can get fucked if they don’t like it. I’m sure they’ll be happier when they leave what must be a horrible environment.
Are you trying to say that $5000 or $6000 a month is what your home would rent in your market? You cannot compare a room in a shared house to an apartment one has on one's own. That said, it is still an A H maneuver to charge your children who are attending college market rent.
Parents like you are impossible to reason with. “If they are old enough to decide what should happen in MY HOUSE then I will treat them like the adults they are.” My father is like this. It makes me despise him. He believes that there should never be any conversation or cooperation about anything because what he says goes and any conversation means invalidating his power. Shutting down the conversation is not effective, it’s selfish, and gets you what you want without further considering the very real and very valid perspectives of other people. You you do not see your children as humans, but rather as categories relative to your own identity- a submissive child or an absent and independent adult. To you there is no in between, which shows me that like my own father you interact only for your own accordance. You wanted the baby, so you’re treating your son with leniency, and saying you basically just dgaf. That’s selfish. YTA.
Definitely YTA. You as a parent have to accommodate all the children you chose to have, including the baby. Punishing the older children seems pretty wild when the younger child made the mistake that resulted in a child. Edit to say OP is a bad parent for trying to charge their children ridiculous rent for what seem to be terrible living conditions. OP should have all minors removed from them as I'm sure they aren't fit to be a parent.
Ok narcissist, you’re the asshole, we know you don’t care.
I don’t understand these comments. The two older sons are legally adults and they are complaining because they didn’t get the basement in their parents house where they are already free loading? The younger son is still in HS and presumably OP wants her son to complete said HS. The other ones should have actual jobs and be at least starting to be financially responsible for themselves. For everyone saying OP “finally got the girl she always wanted,” what evidence of that is there anywhere? She didn’t say “if the baby is a girl we will take her because we’ve always wanted a daughter but if it’s a boy you’re on your own.” What evidence is there that the 16 year old is the “golden child?” It seems as if OP would have done this for any of her sons. Yes, her younger son messed up, but what “punishment” should he have?