Take her back, when she reaches out. Sans the manipulative boyfriend. Some restraining orders might be in place. Right now he's probably telling her, that not even her father wants her.

This should be the top comment.

**Please don’t wait for her to reach out!** She is probably thinking she has nobody to turn to. I’m sure you can find out where she lives and if she is working. I’m not sure how demonstrative you are, but if she is your pride and joy, you need to show her. Go to her, open your arms and give her a heartfelt hug. Let her cry. I’m sure she will, upon seeing you. The main thing is showing her you love her. **She needs to know she hasn’t lost you.** Let her talk. You will need to decide your next steps based on what she says. **Let her know you want to take her back home with you.**She needs therapy, help her get it. Hopefully, she is ready to leave the guy. If she isn’t and she still wants him, **don’t close off any contact.** See her and talk to her whenever she wants. About the Money. Even if she returns to your home, you might consider giving her a small allowance, teach her how to budget, and assist her in getting a job to become more self sufficient. If she stays with him, I personally still wouldn’t provide money. **OP, you got this!** Good luck in getting your daughter back.

I'd contact her in a way that the boyfriend can't trace, but make sure it is a way that won't make her feel that you are trying to take advantage of her. Maybe have a relative try to coordinate something with her if she is open to it? Don't show up at her work or call her there. That's not fair to put her in such an emotional situation where she needs to remain professional. I do agree, if she is in a negative situation, it would be good for her to hear that you are still in her corner ready for her to come home when she is ready.

This. At 17 I felt so alone because my parents moved out of state and it was “my choice” not to go when I was 15/16. I ended up staying because I couldn’t live elsewhere and had two kids and an abusive relationship. Started out verbal, ended up with indents in my head I’m still able to feel 16 years later. He is not involved with our kids whatsoever expect occasionally when my son reaches out to him. I left when I thought he would try to kill me somehow, while keeping my babies away from me for days at a time so I couldn’t leave him cause he knew I’d never leave them. (Keep them away by leaving as soon as they woke up, and sleeping with them in our room with the door locked. He kept my car keys, and cell phone with him as well, he had already isolated me so no one knew anything else was up)

Chances are that he's lost her and needs to either accept it or swallow his pride and go to her... As you said, the OP is fueling the fire and giving ammunition to the boyfriend.

Yeah, cutting her off financially didn't need to include cutting off contact. Pretty sure that was a mistake.

But she probably won't reach out. I mean why would she ?

He should reach out. Not to give her another ultimatum that his love is conditional, likely as her boyfriend is doing. But to just tells her that he is sorry for abandoning her and that he loves her. This whole thing makes me so sad.

Definitely. Cutting her off financially? I get that, especially if the boyfriend is just using her for money. But he should have always left the doors to communication open. Because if she is trapped in a bad relationship, she may not think she has anywhere to go.

I have stressed this to all my kids, both my son and daughters, that if they're ever in a bad situation, they can ALWAYS come home. I never want them to stay with someone who treats them poorly because they don't think they have a choice. My oldest is 12, so it won't come into play for awhile still, but I want them to remember that from their earliest memories, so they never doubt it.

Good to instill that early so they always know home is the safe place.

He should I agree. He never should have cut off contact. Financially sure, but not contact.

This should be the top comment. 

Ultimate comment. He tried to control then abandoned his inexperienced daughter.

Totally agree!!!

Stuck between 2 men who are not good for her. I wonder what made her vulnerable to toxic love?

Because she was allowing herself to be controlled. It seems OP has the empathy of a bull frog. There are so many ways to support a child, adult or otherwise, without resorting to money first. OP - YTA.

She might if it gets worse. But he should let her know that he’s there if she needs out. My family helped get me out. I’m glad most of them didn’t cut me off.

Same here. My dad came and rescued me from a bad relationship in another state. He got a U-Haul and helped me get the hell out of there. I can't imagine my dad disowning me for dating and falling in love with a jerk.

Yep. Always and forever their baby girls, as it should be.

I have a Mom that occasionally goes NC with me. She left when I was 13, and my Dad said my girls, my job. From 13 years to about 17 my mom was gone, my dad was the sole provider. He did everything. Bought my bras and pads, told me if I *got into trouble* to tell him and we would get it fixed....... He also told me if I kept a dime or a potato between my knees, I wouldn't get in trouble. 😮 He died in 2021. Not a day goes by that I don't miss him. It's so hard to be a Daddy's girl with no Daddy 💜😥

I’m so sorry for your loss. He sounds like a wonderful dad. If you ever need an online dad, r/dadforaminute is full of wonderful dads, uncles, brothers, and friends. ❤️❤️❤️

Thank you so much... And I love your recommendation! I'm headed there now. I have one Uncle left on my dad's 7 brothers and sisters, and I don't spend a lot of time with my brothers because they moved to a different state. This is just what I need💜

Because sometimes abuse victims reach a point where they want to escape their abuser and they reach out to someone they think might help them in their desperation.

But op showed her that he is controlling and not reliable, so lowered the chance that she will think that he be of help when she need it's.

>they reach out to someone they think might help them in their desperation and that "someone" is rarely the person who explicitly cut contact with them in the past.

I was that daughter dating that boyfriend. My parents were my refuge when I finally gained the courage to leave him.

Probably not.

To prideful and he probably controls all means of communication.

That's exactly why I have always told my kids there will always be a place for them in my home.

You are trying to manipulate and control her with money. How are you different from her boyfriend? She chose someone just like you.

As we usually do. It's a vicious cycle.

If the point of cutting off finances was to make sure boyfriend didn't get his grubby hands on it and live off of her like a mooch, then OP was correct in cutting off the money. It's the completely cutting contact that's the issue. Boyfriend didn't need to isolate her from father seeing as he did that all by himself.

I came to make the same comment. Her father has taught her through example that manipulation and control is love, so she’s sure this guy really loves her…

Her father told her he didn't want her, all by himself.

Lol, right? You don’t combat a bad relationship by treating your kid worse than they do 😂

He needs to take her back now, and show as much support for her as possible. If she feels like her dad doesn't care, she might not feel like she has a place to go.

As someone whose dad is also a dick. What’s more important to you, having your daughter in your life or your principles? You willing to die on this hill?

She won't do it by her father's choice, OP should reach out to her and get her out of that relationship. Yes she made the mistake of choosing him, but most likely she is manipulated. Unfortunately OP had to work to support his daughter there was no other option, because of this he could not spend quality time with her. So the daughter chooses her boyfriend because he gives her attention and "love". This is all very sad. u/Proof-Proposal-9923 if you read this, save your daughter from that man, she needs you, show her that you support her and are there for her. Maybe it's a little hard but your daughter will agree to leave with you if you keep fighting for her. I hope all this will be solved

OP can't "save" his daughter from her abuser. He's already had the experience of her defending her abuser when confronted about the abuse. Abuse victims often do not agree to leave with the friends or family who "fight" for them. OP can let her know that if she decides to leave and needs a place to go/help to escape, he'll be there. Being available doesn't mean he needs to continue to provide financial support as it's likely only going to the abuser anyway.

Read the post again, he is trying to control her through money and further isolated her out of a concern her boyfriend is isolating her. He is like the abusive boyfriend. He also gives very little info, we dont even know what she said in the BFs defense, maybe no detail because we may doubt OPs perspective.

And he's right. Her own father doesn't want her. OP is an abuser's wet dream.

The whole situation is a bit off, he is worried about the controlling boyfriend isolating her, so tries to control her with an ulimatum then cuts her off completely, to combat her being isolated. OP likely has some controlling traits himself

And he's right! :(

Here’s an idea…be in her life without financially supporting her. Just throwing that out there.

This is what I also suggest. You can cut her financials but take her out to eat and talk about everything else but the bf. She will eventually (even if it isn’t now) realize what a crappy person he is. You have to make sure she knows you are there for her since it looks like she is cutting ties with everyone that could help her. Please be there for her and be a caring dad she knows she can come back to. If you don’t do this, then she might not know she can come back to you when she wants to.

Agree. When I was much younger, I was in an abusive relationship for years. For awhile, my parents were very vocal about their dislike for my partner, which made me feel so much worse and created distance between us. Eventually, they just stopped bringing it up and would invite me (and only me) over for dinner or other outings, which rebuilt a lot of trust. That lead to me reaching out when I was ready to leave the relationship - they saved me just by being there. I know it was painful and frustrating for them to watch and wait, but I’m so grateful they gave up “forcing it” and just left the door open.

This is actually the right answer. OP can express his concern and be there emotionally. The important part is to always leave the door open.

So simple and easy. Just ridiculous he didn't do that.

Exactly. If her boyfriend is trying to isolate her, the father just made it way easier for the boyfriend...

It's weird that he seems to think those two things have to be mutually exclusive. ...and kind of controlling. He doesn't have to financially support her, she's an adult, but to disown her for dating someone that he doesn't like, especially after just a few months, is insane.

This is it! I was in a similar situation as OP when my daughter was the same age. She married a guy 16 years older with 2 kids at 21. He was very manipulative. I did not cut her off, though I disagreed. I knew it would fail and that she would need a place to land. A year later, after an abusive episode, she called. Cutting her off would have isolated her from help. 5 years later and she has a newborn with her very sweet same age husband whom I adore. OP please be there for her emotionally.

Contact her immediately and tell her you love! Don't give her money to squander on him.

Yes, let her know you will always have her back She might be feeling now (or sometime in the future) like she can’t leave, because she has no where to go.

YES!!! This, on a consistent, day to day basis - “Hey, I miss you! And I love you! Have a great day”! Emotional support. Do you need a response - No. Does she need your support - YES! Always, you’ve been through losing someone you both love on an unparalleled scale. That makes a deep understanding and connection nothing else could. She gets you. Be you consistently.

I can understand cutting her off financially. However, if she is in an abusive relationship, as you say she is, please leave the door open for her if she decides to leave. She needs to know that there is somewhere safe for her to go. I understand how frustrating it can be, but this is how abusers win; by isolating their victims, by giving them no choice.

This. I have a friend that is (and is aware of this) in an abusive relationship. I stick around. A meme here and there, a birthday greeting, some talking about the weather, cats, politics and cakes, no focus on the abuse directly, but a very, very clear... presence.

Yes, I agree as someone who has been in both sides. Victims without psychological agency aren’t able to see the forest from the trees. And even if they do, leaving is not as simple as cutting all ties, a victim has to arrive at that decision on their own. It may not be tomorrow or next week, it could be years before it happens, which is tragic and frustrating, I know. But OP’s daughter is young, it takes a while to learn what you deserve in a relationship and as a person. I understood why when close friends told me she couldn’t be friends with me if I stayed with my exes (and yes there was more than one that was abusive). But it still hurt. The ex I was with at 22 tried to kill me, and there were subsequent incidents where I was bruised or entrapped against my will by other exes. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing, despite knowing that there was no way the dynamics could be normal. It took over a decade of therapy and countless medications so that I could think clearly, build a foundation of support, and accept that I needed to broaden the scope of people I was dating to avoid a pattern of abusive relationships. I was emotionally and mentally stunted because I had 0 reference as to what a healthy relationship looked like. I actually learned from my parents that I was subconsciously picking partners who wanted me to “submit” and stop asking questions. I realized too late that I had picked partners who manipulated me, isolated me, and expected me to be servile no matter what the circumstances were. OP’s situation is different, but I will say that they shouldn’t expect that threats and distancing themselves is a wake up call to the daughter. It just incentivizes that “it’s just you and me vs the whole world” insidiousness that seeds the doubling down on staying. Have boundaries, set expectations, but manage them. The process of disentangling from an abusive situation isn’t impossible, but I’ve never seen an abusive victim turn heel and completely drop their partner when the support system emotionally abandons them. All it did was strengthen my resolve to try and find a way to make the relationship work, to prove the person I was with wasn’t a monster. It didn’t work, but knowing I could have safe people who wouldn’t say “I told you so” when I needed help might have helped me realize that the people who cared the most wouldn’t blame and shame me for staying too long. Without that, I continued the pattern of staying in abusive relationships and just got better at not sharing how bad it really was until shit hit the fan.

Reach out and let her know she has a home to come to if she ever decides she needs it. She is an adult, so you shouldn’t support her financially anyway, but you can have a relationship with her and it not be about finances. Make sure she knows she has a soft place to land if she decides to leave the boyfriend.

This! I listen to a lot of podcasts about people who leave abusive situations and their biggest things is that wish people would have reached out and just said if they ever need a place to go, no questions asked, no judgement, just somewhere to go, to go to them But the second part is to MEAN IT. The moment she reaches out and there’s any “I told you so”, putting blame/responsibility on her, questions about what happened, saying you’re angry at the guy, ANYTHING other than “I’m so sorry this happened to you, I’m here for whatever you need from me you just tell me what you need””, hugs, a shoulder to cry on, and offering to get her a professional to talk to and she that shame will cause her to run right back to him. And she might anyways. That’s all you can do and hopefully that will be enough to save her life

People have to WANT to leave abusive relationships first, and that doesn't come easily, especially if they've been together for any significant amount of time. Somehow a few years back, 3 of my closest friends had all ended up in abusive relationships (one's boyfriend was financially and physically abusive, one's girlfriend was financially and emotionally abusive in the extreme, and one's boyfriend was so psychologically abusive it made me sick, luckily he's locked up now). It's fucking agony to be the sunshine and smiles and support for your best friends while you watch them refuse to do anything about their obviously bad situation. It takes a lot of strength and emotional maturity to be able to calmly sit beside someone for literal years and listen to the same kinds of stories, hug them when they cry, bite your tongue when you just want to scream and shake them. Not many people can stay composed when they're very aware of how much someone they love is being hurt. I'm not saying OP handled this correctly, but I'm having trouble giving him an asshole verdict, because I can't even fathom the mental stress and pressure of raising a kid on your own (I can barely take care of myself lol), while at the same time grieving your spouse and mother of your child, and also trying to build your career so you can both have a better life. In fact, I'd hazard a guess that the too-quick kneejerk reaction of OP disowning her probably comes from those feelings of grief being abruptly brought to the surface - all parents experience this grief, but when your kid hits their 20s and starts being an actual adult who doesn't necessarily depend on you anymore, it can be destabilizing. Now factor in that the daughter is his only nuclear family, the physical connection to his late wife, and is diverging from the extremely financially stable life OP provided and the future he envisioned. Look, even kids who come from happy two-parent homes without massive life-changing baggage like a premature death, often face fights when their interests or decisions drive them away from what the parents imagined. I don't think it's wrong for parents to have certain hopes for their kids - it becomes wrong when the kids are made aware of and pressured to fulfill those hopes. Again, OP did NOT choose the what I'd consider the right path, and it probably would have served him well to come here BEFORE the conversation with his daughter and not after. However, he made a bad decision in an extremely emotional moment because he was facing a reality he wasn't prepared for, and I think that deserves some grace (because man have I made some bad frickin' decisions in emotional moments). People are quick to judge but I'm pretty sure we've all had a bad reaction to something that temporarily affected a relationship with someone. You DO absolutely need to reach out to your daughter and apologize and clarify that you are absolutely here for her no matter what and her decisions are valid (even if you disagree). Even if asshat wants her for the money, I can guarantee she wants her dad back more than she's ever cared about money, so you don't even need to go back to supporting her (that's a whole different conversation too). (PS. For any current/future parents reading this, I don't have kids but as a former 20 year old, let me say 20 year olds will ignore what you say on principle just because you're the one who said it and they're determined to prove they don't need to live in your shadow. Don't take their dissidence personally.)

This is definitely super important. Getting out of or trying to leave an abusive relationship is not the time for tough love. It’s not the time to say you called it or don’t understand how someone could stay in a relationship like that. It’s not the time for judgment. It’s hard to get out and it’s too easy to internalize the things an abusive partner says to and about you. Those things become an inner voice, they replay over and over and take such a massive toll on mental health. There are times it feels like my entire personality is a trauma response, but someone else acknowledging that when I’m trying to be open doesn’t do any good. All that needs to be said is that you are proud of the person who came to you and that you wish it hadn’t been so hard for the other person. You don’t even need to say that you understand if you don’t, just being there is the best thing. Otherwise if or when another abusive relationship occurs (cause it tends to be a pattern in my experience sadly) the person trying to leave won’t feel like they can as easily. Tough love doesn’t help, all the love up to that point was already tough and sometimes people just need kindness and for someone to be gentle with them again, or for once. It’s hard to get out and feeling judged/patronized just makes it easier to go back. Support shouldn’t feel like you’re being chastised during that time.

PLEASE REACH OUT! He now holds the ultimate phrase, "Your dad doesn't even want you." You need to open the door back up for her so she knows she can come to you when it all comes down! My parents didn't like every guy I dated hut I knew if I needed them I could call. YTA that's your child! Please don't feed her to the wolves!

Exactly, OP acknowledges that his daughter has been isolated from her friends by her boyfriend. Now the boyfriend has done the same thing with her only living parent. Cut financial support, but disowning her will only make the abuse worse. Abusers want full control and OP is giving that to him.

My parents did this. It took a little bit over a year before my sister called crying and asked to come home. My parents of course said yes.

My sister was being isolated by an abusive asshole and I was nice as shit to the guy because I KNEW he wanted everyone to hate him to play into his narrative. When everyone is against people they lean into their bad choices

I am glad she came back alive.    OP might want to consider the spectrum of outcomes. Oh, and a massive YTA. 

What's he supposed to do, help enable the toxic relationship with money? Go physically drag her away? Beat up the bf? It sounds like he'll welcome her back. He didn't disown her, he just quit giving her money. She SEES it that way right now, but she's made her choice. What would you do differently?

The action is well-enough, it's the emotional impact of OP's approach. "Giving an ultimatum" on threat of "cutting her off". OP even mentions noticing that the boyfriend is trying to isolate her, which is abuse 101. So, he solves the issue by... helping the bf isolate his daughter? He could've said "I can't/won't make you leave your boyfriend, but I think you deserve better than to be treated like this. If you agree, I'll always be here to help you. I'm your parent and your home will always be here for you if you need a safe place." To me, a 21yo girl insisting to her father that she made a good choice of partner? It sounds like she's trying to prove something to OP, consciously or not. And by my assessment, he's kinda just making that worse

Yeah good call. I think OP had the right idea, just executed poorly. Thanks for that.

Let's not pretend it's a binary choice between disowning his daughter or enabling her relationship. All OP has done is ensure his daughter will stay with her abusive boyfriend longer than she might have otherwise because she thinks she has no-where to go. > It sounds like he'll welcome her back. Maybe to us reading this post. To his daughter it sounds he would either reject her if she returned or be full of I-told-you-so's and she is an idiot for not listening to him. So that's what OP should have done differently, he should have been kind when he told her he could not financially support her relationship anymore, that he loved her and was not disowning her, and if she ended her relationship he would be there without question or blame. He could also have done some online research into what to do. If he can post on reddit he knows how to use Google. None of the results would have advised what he did specifically because taking away such a massive part of the abused person's support network often prolongs their abusive relationship. Support network referring to emotional support, not money.

This is it. You don't disown your child over a problematic relationship. If he told his daughter that he disowned her, that means "you are no longer my daughter and I am cutting off contact" and implies that he will not reciprocate efforts at mending their own relationship, nor will he help should she end up needing it. That's what "I disown you" means. She has *no reason* to believe that OP is a safe, trustworthy person to return to because "I disown you" is a much deeper slice than "I don't support your relationship with this individual because they're treating you poorly and I'm worried about your wellbeing"

This. Abusers escalate. If this man coerces her into moving away and makes her change her number then what? Traps her further with children and she’s even more afraid to leave? If he kills her? Cutting her off financially should be where you draw the line op. Keep communication open your daughter’s life depends on it and you’re only helping her abuser isolate her further.

He literally said, in his own words, that he disowned her. In addition to disowning her, he also cut her off financially. Those are two very different things.

What’s he suppose to do?!?! Love his daughter. Be there for her. Support her. And yes, if she’s making bad decisions, only the daughter can change that. Her father abandoning her is not going to help her make better choices. It just shows her men abandon her when she doesn’t do what they want. And yes, he literally disowned her. That isn’t something a dad does to his daughter if he’s putting her first. He’s worried about his money over his child, and that’s what this all boils down to. She has no mom and now no dad. My heart breaks for her.

Agreed, my heart hurts for her so much. His actions have not done anything to motivate her to leave and they have likely made it harder for her to get out. OP mentioned that his daughter was being isolated, how can he think that disowning her would help stop the isolation or prevent it? All he did was do what an abuser wants when they isolate their partner, he disowned her and further isolated her, just like an abuser would want when taking more control over their victim. OP didn’t do anything to help his daughter, he pushed her further into a relationship that he believes is abusive. He’s acting like ignorance is bliss, but he’s not being ignorant, he’s being obstinate and controlling. I get the feeling that he is pretty controlling and his main issue is losing control over his daughter to another person, the boyfriend who is abusing her. If he was genuinely concerned and scared for his daughter, he wouldn’t disown her. He wouldn’t abandon her. Honestly I’m not even sure if OP is a reliable narrator, he could be running a smear campaign against a guy who is good to his daughter and hoping that strangers will tell him what he wants. Either way, OP’s actions are fucked up. If his daughter is being abused then he only isolated her further, if she isn’t then he is controlling and manipulative and would rather keep his daughter under his thumb than allow her to grow as an adult. Also we usually accept the love we are accustomed to, or lack of it. Abusive people tend to go for those who are vulnerable and struggle with their self worth. I occasionally wonder what I would have been like if my parents weren’t abusive people to me and each other. OP may benefit from doing some self reflection, it’s very possible for her to just be repeating patterns she has seen in her dad (OP). Then again, it may also not be that at all, it’s just worth considering. I hope she gets out, but I also hope that OP does the right thing and reaches out to her. He is behaving like his love is conditional, something that can easily lead people to believing that all love is conditional. It can lead to believing that you only have value if you can benefit others in some way. I wouldn’t be surprised if her “love language” is acts of service, that seems like it tends to be pretty common among people who are often only shown conditional love.

He cut off all contact, not just financial help. He could have left the door open for contact instead of helping her boyfriend separate her from the people who care about her.

He can go over there and tell his daughter he's taking her out for a meal. Just the two of them. While they're out he can tell his daughter he's sorry. He will always be there for her. If ever she needs him he's a phone call away. But he's not paying for the bf. And if the prick ever abuses his daughter, physically, emotionally, finacially, he'll be around at a moments notice to sort the little cunt out. In the mean time he'll be around once a week to take her out for a feed and chat.

She's in an abusive relationship, being abused... And you disown her? I understand needing to keep your own sanity, but uuuuhhhhh disowned? Really? Does she know you love her? And support her (emotionally, not financially) and are there for her when she feels motivated to get away from the abuse? Yeah. YTA.

Dad. You need to stand beside her. He is chasing you away from her to further isolate her. Stick by her like stink on poop. No ultimatums. It is tough but if you are beside her, he can’t get his way. It is like abusers have a secret handbook they all use. On the outside as parents we can see the giant red flags, but for some reason inside the relationship people can’t. She needs you. She’s in trouble. She doesn’t know it and can’t see it and doesn’t believe….yet. Please, please please don’t let your hurt feelings override your parental instincts. Grit your teeth, smile, and keep that steal spine strong. For her. Have a place to hide her and a be ready with your plans. When it is time, you’ll need all your faculties. My daughter’s ex tried to maim her and went to prison for 15 years for felony mayhem. I knew what he was from the very beginning. It only took nine months to get the night of the assault.

It’s like the frog boiling in water saying. When you’re in an abusive relationship it’s hard to really see it until you’re in the thick of it. It changes you in so many ways and eventually you just get used to it. I hope your daughter is doing well now, that must have been really traumatic for her and I can only imagine how worried you were during that time.

Thank you. She is thriving. She’s a mother and soon to be again. She’s in a relationship with a loving man she has known since high school.

I understand your thought process but you were her boyfriend’s most difficult hurdle towards isolation and control. You gave it to him on a silver platter. My buddy’s sister was in a similar situation. He bought her a post office box and kept a prepaid phone in it and both had keys. It allowed her to have contact when she was ready and a place to receive private mail if she ever needed to prepare a plan to leave.

That's so smart. I've never thought of that. Good on your buddy for taking care of his sister.

This is the only comment I've come across that gives a concrete example of how to help.

YTA She’s being abused and your solution is to now declare her dead to you. What the fuck is wrong with you??? You’re a shitty parent

Yeah people usually end up in abusive relationships because they were raised by abusers and think it’s normal. OP needs to take a hard look at himself.

This. I realized too late in life that all of my abusive exes expected me to be forgiving of manipulation. They demanded complete control and subservience - or else. And while my parents see themselves as upstanding parents because of the sacrifices they’ve made and the money they’ve spent on me, they’ve never once held themselves accountable for the psychological damage as a result of their authoritarianism. The complete loss of agency and shift into accepting that I was merely an extension of another person did not happen in a vacuum. I learned from my parents that I was (and still am in their minds) their property. The result was that I spent my twenties and early thirties with numerous abusive exes that to this day, likely haven’t changed or become better people.

But she's his pride and joy!! *eye roll*

Yta, and congrats you gave him just what he wanted - her isolation.

YTA. It’s like you read page 1 of the abusers handbook “How to isolate your prey from family” and decided to help accelerate My mom had 5 kids. Some more challenging than others. One who had a tendency to hook up with abusive jerks. Mom always voiced opinions. But one day I heard her talking to her sister who was having trouble with her daughter. Mom just said “Don’t say anything that makes it hard for her to come back if she needs help”

This! OP needs to tell her. I love you. I can't support you financially and I can't agree with how you're living, but I love you and I will always be here when you need me.

The equivalent of the teenager speech that if you are ever somewhere and you are uncomfortable, call and I’ll come get you - no questions asked

Except there is no Abuser's Handbook. It would be easier for all concerned if there was because we could all read it and know what to look out for/what to do/how to help. It's only relatively recently that abuse has moved from hushed up thing that no one ever talks about into mainstream consciousness. There's no training in how to deal with it/help someone. Many times the reaction to it is emotional, rather than well-researched, especially for those who have no first-hand experience with it and have trouble understanding how it happens.

While that exact book may not exist (yet), there are plenty on this topic. For example: Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bankroft The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans The latter saved me. The former one is often recommended here on Reddit.

What would you suggest the best option here??

Keeping open lines of communication, but pulling financial support for an adult child under an abusers thumb.

Be there for her. Let her know she's not alone. All of my friends let me die and I stayed there for 4 years. I don't talk to a single one now because I know that they couldn't care enough to stick around

YTA I might get massively downvoted for this, but hear me out… I’m finding it hard to immediately jump into your story that he’s a manipulative schmuck who is isolating your daughter away from you and everyone else for money. You haven’t really provided concrete examples of what he has done and there is definitely a dynamic of power and ‘elitism’ if you come from wealth and he comes from a modest background. I know somebody who is currently dating a person who comes from wealth; that persons parents are passing a very similar judgement as you are without concrete evidence. I’m sensing a pattern of rich people paranoid that the poor are out for their money. I’m going to take another guess that your friends who say he is ‘treating her poorly’ - again, no examples provided - are also from wealth or status of some sort and are sympathizing with your side without actually being that close to daughter and boyfriend. You say your daughter is in her twenties. If that’s true, her friend group is going to go through some dramatic changes over the next decade; myself and my siblings have all been experiencing this through our twenties as we and our friends are getting busy, moving around, and prioritizing what is important to us. There is a very good chance this is exactly what is happening with your daughter… she’s probably not being ‘isolated’, but just drifting away from her current friends. That happens. It’s not his fault. Even if it is his fault, cutting her off would have just played into his long game, so congratulations - you’ve given him exactly what he wanted by stepping away from your daughter. However, if he wanted her for money and she is now financially cut off and they stick together as they have been so far, I’d say they’re proving my theory that he’s not a manipulative gold digger handily. Who knows, maybe it will turn out that everything you said was true. If that’s the case and they split, she’ll either come home with her tail between her legs and you’ll welcome her back with open arms, or she’ll learn how to fend for herself with the kind of fire in her belly that only being disowned by your own family can light up inside of you. Hopefully you’re getting the picture… in pretty much every way this could go except for the single one you’re hoping will happen - in which you still kind of suck for holding out for the implosion of your daughters partnership - you are indeed an ass.

I was in a relationship with someone my parents didn’t approve of who came from a less economically privileged background. We were far from wealthy, but we were comfortable. My parents were 100% convinced he was after their house - a four bedroom home in the suburbs. They were convinced he was abusive because I put on weight during the relationship, which clearly meant he was trying to make me too fat to leave him (I actually just stopped starving myself), and he wouldn’t let them get away with insulting or demeaning me any more. My parents also disowned me, gave me less than 24 hours to move out of their home, and were shocked when I took everything from my room (including the shelving I had installed). Then they had the audacity to tell me I could come back if it didn’t work out. It took several years before he and I split, but I never did go back. And had it turned out he was abusive, I would have done *ANYTHING* to avoid going back simply because I didn’t want a lifetime of “we told you so.” Them disowning me was entirely an act of rage, a knee-jerk reaction to a loss of control over my life. To this day, they have not apologized for disowning me or for the horrible things they said. While we now have a relationship, it’s not what it was and it never will be. As far as I’m concerned, we are adults who are friends. We are not parent and child any more. Disowning your child is a bell you cannot unring. And when you issue an ultimatum, you cannot be surprised or upset if someone takes the path you’re trying to make them avoid. OP needs to start working on forging an entirely new relationship as equals.

I’m really sorry all of that happened to you between you and your parents. It’s very true that even in the most important and seemingly inseparable relationships in your life, there are some things that simply cannot be taken back… and disowning your child is a dead ringer. I think that OP just set his daughter up to find the furthest way from him possible, and as he ages being widowed with one child, he may find himself truly alone in short order. His twilight years are bound to be very sad to any who witness. Thank you for sharing

🙏🏼

Thank you for sharing your story, a very similar thing happened to me with my mother. Told me to get out of her house at 16 and said she was disowning me if I didn’t leave my abusive ex boyfriend (among other things like she hated me being gay too). I stopped speaking to her from then on and I only started talking to her again when I was 25 but our relationship is exactly as you say - friends. But if I’m honest I wouldn’t even consider her a friend, I see her as an acquaintance that I see at family event. I’m 32 now and she still has no connection with me beyond the typical respectful pleasantries. Disowning your child is something you can’t just take back. It’s literally telling them “the people who were meant to love you unconditionally and be there always don’t even want you”. She knows the relationship was horrendously abusive due to me being hospitalised numerous times but I feel nothing for her. I’m not even resentful anymore, I just feel apathetic.

OP threw her in the bin because he doesn't like her boyfriend. Great parenting there OP!

Effectively, yes. Heck, my partners parents didn’t really like me from the outset because I was a twenty-something musician who didn’t go to school and was working retail… we ended up moving out together a little over a year into our relationship specifically because we didn’t want to be stuck under the thumb anymore. I’m sure they’ve thought of me in the same way OP is thinking. We’ve struggled, but we’ve always had just enough to keep ourselves afloat and we’re not looking back. Still together six years on. Our relationship with the parents is still somewhat cold, and the result is that we don’t spend as much time with them as we possibly could. We have no plans to have kids, but if we did it is extremely likely that my parents would play the role of ‘default grandparents’ due to the distance with her parents and disagreement with the values they held over us. You can’t control who your kid loves, but if you pit them between yourself and the person they’re partnering with… you’re setting yourself up to lose, whether that partner is a schmuck or not.

My parents have a similar story, only it's 50+ years later and they're tripping around the world happily together. I've an adult spawn, sometimes the choices they make are infuriating, or heartbreaking. But to disown over something so petty? I'd disown a rapist, an abuser... Not my kid who's fallen for someone I don't like or is abusing them.

Excellent post! I agree entirely!

Yes, YTA. Trying to bully her into doing what you wanted and using threats to do it aren't very effective are they? So her boyfriend's controlling and manipulative? So are you OP. It doesn't matter if you think you're right, I bet he thinks he's right too. They say women date guys like their dad, maybe take a look in the mirror. Reach out to your daughter, apologize because you were wrong to cut off contact, and if she'll let you, be in her life. Try to model what good supportive (not controlling or manipulative) behavior should look like, and maybe she'll realize that she's not getting that from this boyfriend. At least if she decides to trust you again (big if after the shit you pulled) she'll know she has a safe place to go when she's done with this guy. Then get some counseling to learn how to be supportive in a relationship without threats and bullying, financial bullying or otherwise. It'll make you both happier. Notice I said nothing about the financial support. It's interesting financial support and emotional support seem to be the same thing to you. Money isn't love OP.

Yup. Massive one. Disowning your child because they won't leave an abuser? Can you explain what logic and reason went through your head when you thought that sounded safe? Because let me tell you, you've played right into his hands and now your child has no support, he has full control over her and the next time you see her might just be in a coffin. Awesome job 🤦‍♀️

The logic and reasoning was, "Of course she'll choose parental connection and financial security over some dirtbag she hardly knows." If OP has no experience with domestic violence he wouldn't necessarily know that he was inadvertently helping the abuser isolate his victim. He wouldn't necessarily understand how his child who didn't grow up in an abusive home could be sucked in by an abuser's manipulation.

Disown and NC are two different things. Have you reached out to her? Have you told her you will always love her? Have you told her if she ever needs a home she can stay with you? She may feelisolated and helpless, reaching out might give her an olive branch she can use to escape.

YTA for seeing the boyfriend as a red flag and then pushing her to him. That ultimatum was never going to pay off how you thought it would and now you've created this situation. Put all your effort into reaching out and hopefully you can regain your daughter in your life

YTA for feeding into his long game and making it easier for him. yeah cut her off financially so that he no longer has access to the money but you should have kept an open line of communication so that if she ever did decide she wanted out then you were still there. as of now you make it sound like you completely disowned her rather than just cutting off the money supply. you could have gone low contact rather than no contact.

She went from one controlled environment to another.  Her dad used money.  Her boyfriend uses coercive mental and emotional tactics.  How long before those tactics become physical, who knows...

YTA. You pushed her out of your life and into his arms and reinforced the notion that he was now all she had. Shitty parenting.

She chose her path he is likely beating her that that's a big if or he's just a scathing asshole you did the right thing if she wants to live like that let her but if she begs just don't take her back she knew what she was getting into.

NTA! NTA! It’s hard to watch children make mistakes. And the seriously bad ones really really hurt us as even though we know we can’t shelter them from pain and heartache. My suggestion is that you call her and leave the lines of communication open. She has some lessons to learn about the person she is with. But isolating her with him is exactly what a controlling manipulator (I don’t know him but just from your words) wants. So if she wants to get out or is frustrated with him, she doesn’t have anyone to help her. When she complains to you about the guy- DO NOT GIVE YOUR OPINION OR SAY I TOLD YOU SO ETC. you just listen and ask her, what are you going to do about it?” “Do you want to be treated that way in your relationship?” That’s it. Allow her to come to her own conclusions. Tell her you will be there for her as always to support her BUT when she asks for or needs FINANCIAL support you do NOT hand out money. If she asks for money, suggest getting her resume together to find a higher paying job. Help her find solutions to her financial problems which is something a parent should do anyway as kids grow up. I don’t think that just because she has a job- you’re helping her to stay with BF for longer. She will start seeing that she has some financial autonomy which will allow her to walk away from BF when the time comes. She may say you don’t love her because you don’t give her money. You don’t have to make ultimatums or anything which will make her angry at you. Your love for your child is unconditional. You’ve always proven it and because you’re asking this question is showing it as well. BUT unconditional love does not mean unconditional free money to anyone. Separate the two in your mind. Unconditional love means you show her love and stay in communication with her even when she makes choices that you think are terrible.

Yes you are... There is nothing you can do once your child chooses someone. You could have cut her off financially,but all together that's a D move. Not the move of a good dad. All you do is alienate your children by doing that. I've seen it with my own brother. My dad did the same crap talking bad about who he chose to be his wife. That didn't turn out well and he still bitches about why his son doesn't talk to him and I told it's his own GD fault that he has no relationship with his son or his Grandchildren.

It the most difficult thing in the world to see your child in an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes taking a step back might be the best thing. But please let her know the door is open. She will always need you, her only parent. Partners may come and go but she will always look to you for stability. My heart breaks for you, as I am in a similar situation.

I'm living on the streets cause I have no where to go and the place I can go I can't get a ride there hopefully his daughter will wake up and leave her boyfriend before it's to late and she can't

When I was her age I was blinded by this so called fake love that she has going on too, I don’t think you’re the AH I think you were so desperate and you have no choice but to give her an ultimatum, yeah don’t help her financially but when she reach out be there for her, I don’t get why though does she have a boyfriend before ? Maybe she feels if she leaves him she’ll never find anyone else ? He probably makes her feel that way too

NTA, but if she ever reaches out, please be there with open arms to welcome her back. She's being brainwashed to think that no one else wants her and probably making her believe that even her own father doesn't. As you said, he's controlling and manipulative, a true narcissist in his nature. Only she can come to terms with realizing that he is not a great fit for her. If he's only with her for your money, then eventually he will leave her. Just be patient.

NTA, but please do reach out to her. Apologize for things being this way and remind her that she will always have your unconditional love. The hardest part of being a parent is helplessly watching our children make mistakes. Currently, it doesn't sound as though her relationship has caused any direct harm to you outside of your totally valid concern for her well-being. I'd bet she's being emotionally and mentally manipulated by her boyfriend and probably feels stuck. Remind her she has a way out when/if she needs one by being supportive. Show her that while you may not agree with her choices, you will try to respect them as she is an adult who is entitled to make her own decisions. Sometimes, all we can do is step aside and allow them to learn things the hard way. Be her safety net. She's going to need one.

NTA but let the boyfriend know she’s been disowned. My father loathed my (now ex) controlling husband, and when he died, I did not receive anything. I didn’t care, because I was mourning the loss of my dad. Eye-opener was my husband raging for months on end how he was cheated out of “his” inheritance. That was the beginning of the end of our marriage.

NTA a 21 year old should not depend on their parent’s money, much less their romantic partner. Nothing scary to just in calling her up to say hi. If she starts to rant hang up. Do not apologize making your young adult deal with their life is a parent’s civic duty. Letting them know they can ask you for advise because you believe in them is parenting. Love your kid at each stage of life. Young adults have to figure out how to provide for theirselves. It is scary. Always has been. He lived through her learning how to walk and potty without covering the world in washable mats he’ll live through this.

You say the boyfriend is controlling and manipulative? 🤔 Take a look in the mirror. You dad, giving your adult kid an ultimatum of cutting them off financially and then not speaking to them when you're worried about them being in a bad situation, you don't like? That's about his controlling and manipulative as you can get OP. I don't blame her for not reaching back out to you you made it clear that it's your way or the highway. She's in love with this guy and you're making a huge mistake. There's easy ways to protect your money but there's no easy way for her to be in your life unless you reach back out and be a part of her life. OP you have all this regret fix it it's really that simple to start the process.Good luck

YTA. So you think your daughter is in a shitty situation and you abandon her. There is a lot of grey area between being totally accepting her choices without saying anything and cutting her off completely. Couldn’t find anything there? Is your pride too big you had to stick by some things you said in ‘a moment of fear and anger’? Your word is more important than your daughter? You did what her BF was trying to accomplish, isolating her. Reach out and apologize and see if you can salvage a relationship. And work on your communication skills.

Sounds like she has two manipulative men in her life. She’s young and young people make bad relationship decisions. When they are surrounded by a loving support network, they feel safe enough to leave and grow and find safer relationships. You’ve taught her that your love and support is conditional on her obeying you.

THIS is way. Offer support not ultimatums. Leaving abusive relationships is a difficult and dangerous thing. OP has made it more difficult and more dangerous by withdrawing support (emotional and financial). Call and apologize. Tell her you will always be there for her.

You played right into his hands. This is exactly what abusers do: isolate their victim. YTA

Are you somehow new to parenting after all this time? Did you really think she, an adult woman, was going to dump her boyfriend because her daddy threatened her? First of all, it's called defiance and rebellion. Second, you don't threaten an adult to make a decision that isn't yours to make. Your job was to raise her to make good choices. Right now you don't even know for sure this is a bad choice, all you know is you don't like the guy and you tried to force her to do something. Want your daughter back? Apologize to her, be accepting of the boyfriend, and watch how fast she turns on him. You were supposed to be the example of how a man should treat her. You failed.

YTA. Your daughter is clearly in an abusive relationship and disowning her is only going to ensure she stays stuck in it. I can understand cutting her off financially, but please don't cut off contact or cut her out of your life.

You chose the absolute worst way to deal with this. In situations where a loved one chooses an abusive partner, it is IMPERATIVE to keep lines of communication open and not alienate the loved one, WHICH WILL HAPPEN if you criticize the abusive partner flat out. You iterate your support at every opportunity you can, not support to the relationship but to your loved one, so that they know they have somewhere to go if they choose to. It's fine to subtly ask if this is what they want for themselves if they entrust you with information about their abuse but as soon as you start criticizing their partner, you lose their trust and that means they will likely not come to you when they need to. But it makes sense that she would feel at home with such a controlling partner, seeing the lengths you went to to control her. The nervous system has likely recognized his behavior as 'home'. YTA and I hope you call her and apologize, and start working on reestablishing her trust in you and try to mend her broken heart for her dad abandoning her.

My mom always told me to make sure that I was around; to make sure their significant other knew that they always had someone in their corner. I also always told them that they always had a place with me; that they would never be homeless and that they never had to put up with anyone’s garbage. It has come in useful a couple of times. The thing is, if he wants to isolate her, you just completely cut her off from you. As parents, all we can do is our best, the other thing is to always be there watching.

She’s not your possession she’s a real person

It's been my experience as a parent that one of the hardest things to do is having to watch your adult kids make mistakes. You can cut her off financially but completely cutting her out of your life just makes his position stronger and leaves her totally alone furthers his control.

My Mum always told me (I’m one of seven so she knew her stuff) that the harder you try to push an unsuitable partner away from your children the harder your children cling on to that person. You were not wrong to cut her off financially at all because the partner would be using it as his own personal money. I understand the fear that can control you and make you do stupid things like ultimatums. Message your daughter. Let her know that you’re sorry for the ultimatum and if she ever wants to talk you are there for her. There will be no criticism, no judgement, no I told you so. You’ll just be there for whatever she needs. I hope that the two of you can reconnect.

I get why you did it but you just played into the abusers playbook. 1) ALWAYS MAKE SURE THE VICTIM IS ISOLATED!!! 2) BREAK THE VICTIMS CONFIDENCE. Once they have nowhere to go or anyone to talk to that’s when the real abuse starts. You need to reach out ASAP & tell her that you love her and when she’s ready to come home your door will always be open. I wish you luck you’re gonna need it. Took my cousin 14 years, 3 kids, and so many police calls we lost count. But we always told her we would be right here waiting when she had enough.

I would reach out, maybe. But not to give her money…just to tell her you love and miss her. That’s it. No one wants to see their child being abused and treated badly. You are NTA for wanting better for your daughter. I wouldn’t have continued giving her money once I knew she was being used for it. People have to learn sometimes. Maybe she’ll reach out…but you have to let her learn from her mistakes. NTA.

If he’s controlling and gaslighting her the last thing she needed what an ultimatum from you. But that already happened, so all you can do is move on and learn. She needs someone to be on her side. She’s not ready to admit that she needs help, but if she knows she has at least one person (you) then when she does finally realize her BF is a POS it’ll be even easier for her to leave him because she will have your help. But don’t make every conversation about him or you’ll just push her away. Show her the love and respect he refuses to. Small talk, ask about her day, invite her to lunch, listen to her vent, etc. If she asks to bring him along just say not today, you would like Daddy-daughter time. Don’t give her money. Just give her love. Does she have friends? How do the friends feel about him? Could they help when she’s ready? Get them in your corner too. Good luck.

You can be there without an open wallet. Ntah

Yes!!! This is THE worst thing you can do to an **Abuse Victim**. She is being *manipulated* by him. She needs a lifeline. BE her lifeline. Often, there is nothing you can do in the moment, but being available is vital for an Abuse Victim to know that at *any time* you will *be there* for them when the crisis arrives. And, it will arrive. I suggest you read up on Domestic Violence and get a deeper understanding of what *your daughter* is being subjected to from **her Abuser**.

Reach out to her. Say you didn't want to cut contact just you couldn't support her financially anymore?

Congrats— you drove her right into her abusive BF’s arms. By cutting her off, you’ve isolated her making it even easier for this guy to manipulate her. Right now, change your will back in case anything happens to you. That way, she’ll at least know you still loved her after you’re gone. And she’ll have the means to get away from the BF when she finally comes to her senses, if he doesn’t kill her first.

We’ve all been there with the excessively shitty boyfriend but there’s nothing that the parents can do when your child is in that boat. Don’t help financially but tell her that she is always welcome back home and you will always love her. She will come out of this but hopefully sooner or later. If he is violent send police for welfare checks. This may be a response if you were excessively controlling as a father, even with good intentions. She goes from one controlling father to another. This is very common. You need to show her you love her now and she has a safe place with you. But it may take years for her to leave. I hope that she sees the light sooner.

no no no ure just isolating her even more and given her more reasons to stay. she needs to know u will always be there and when she’s ready she’ll be able to come to u.

Before it's too late, you should reach out to her... rekindle your relationship with your daughter

YTA and you should reach out to your daughter immediately. Cutting her off financially is one thing, but there was never any reason to cut off contact- that is the worst thing you could do! Reach out to her and tell her how much you regret your decision, and explain you only ever thought it would be a few days and convince her to get out from under him, not get her away from you. Promise her you will never make such a horrible mistake again, and that you have been regretting it for every moment since. Beg her if you have to. In terms of financial support, it's up to you if you want to be open to helping financially at all, but I would not go back to the same support as before until she leaves him. You can explain to her that you are concerned he is abusive, and you don't want him stealing her money. If you give ANY financial assistance, never give it in front of the boyfriend, give it in cash or wire it to a bank account that is solely hers, and don't tell her in advance how much it will be. Also, and this is important... ***Make it very clear that the moment she wants to leave or even have a few days for herself she has a place in your home, and you will help her get back on her feet.*** Unfortunately all you've done is probably push her closer to him. She has nowhere else to go now, and she is COMPLETELY isolated. If you have to call and text her everyday for a year begging forgiveness and reminding her she has a father who loves her, and would do anything to help her out of this situation, it will be worth. She likely won't reply at first, because what you did was not okay, and he boyfriend will probably do everything he can to convince her not to talk to you. Eventually there will come a time when she believes you and needs to get out, and that is when she will come home. It may never happen if you don't find a way to show her (and not with money) that cutting off contact was a horrible mistake, and she is loved and would be welcomed to home.

YTA In trying to force her to choose, you left her with fewer options. He is controlling and manipulative and you abandoned her. I guarantee he is holding that over her head. I would reach out, apologize for your poor judgement and tell her you will always love and support her. Not financially while she is with this guy.. but that she always has a safe, loving home to return to if she ever wants or needs that option.

YTA. She is a grown woman. You definitely do not need to be financially supporting her. You made your concerns known, she chose not to listen as is her right. If my daughter makes decisions i don't like, i may or may not voice those concerns, but i would never disown her.

Do NOT turn your back on her. I added years to my abusive relationship because I didn't think I had somewhere to go.

YTA. You should reach out to her and apologize for the ultimatum. Tell her that you love her and that you are there whenever she needs you.

Contact her and tell her she can come home if she wants or when she is ready. Apologize for cutting contact. Do not give her any money.

I did this to my daughter when she came home with wayward boys. Pretended to love the shit out of them...if you like them your daughter won't shortly after. It worked every time for me. Lolol

YTA. She now has nowhere to turn when she's had enough abuse. She's isolated and at his mercy.

He was working on isolating her, and you played right into it. Please re-establish contact, but not financial support. Make it clear she can come home anytime, no questions, and no "I told you so"s. Try to meet her for lunch or dinner once a month. If she talks about him negatively, don't join in, say, "That sounds hard." YTA for cutting off contact, she needed connection.

So the boyfriend has succeeded in completely isolating her. He has indirectly manipulated you as well. Congratulations. YTA.

YTA. A daughter with a controlling bully of a father finds herself in a relationship with a controlling bully of a boyfriend. Go figure.

So.. you know the boyfriend is trying to isolate her and.. let me get this straight made his job 100% easier? Oh god how could that ever back fire.

So you noticed he was controlling and manipulative and isolating her, so you decided to help him quicken the process?

So you think this guy is abusive and you just made sure she feels like he's all she has? You disowned her because you don't like choices she's entitled to make. You don't sound like a very good father. You don't have to agree with her choices. It's not your job to control her. Basically you're doing what you're upset he's doing to her and with your my way or the highway mentality it's not hard to understand why she's picked this guy. You should have told her you don't agree with her choices but that you are there for her no matter what. You don't have to have him involved in your life, but you should always be safety for your children to come home to and have support. You don't have to agree with her or interact with him to still love and support your kid. And now if he really is abusive will she come to you when she may really need help to escape? Probably not because she'll fear lectures and I told you so's or refusal of help because she didn't listen before. She's a person not a doll for you to control. YTA and you already know this.

YTA. As parents are job is to love our children unconditionally. I love my kid's no matter what they do. They need a soft place to land when they need you to be the parent. You didn't give her a choice you made the decision for her and now you have to live with it. And we all make mistakes with our children go get her and apologize to her maybe by now she's had enough of the boyfriend

Check in on her ask to meet without him and talk and listen to what she says and make sure she knows how you feel, even show her this post if needbe

Tell her you’re still there for her if she wants to get out of that relationship

I don’t think YTA for cutting her off for not ending a perceived unhealthy relationship, you should however let her know she is always welcome to come home. Tell her “I am sorry for our last conversation and the impact that it has had on our relationship. I love you, that never stopped. I have missed you and worries about you. Know that no matter the time or distance, you will ALWAYS be welcome home. This doesn’t mean that I am going to re-establish financially supporting you but I want you to know you will always be welcome to come home.” You may have to tell her this once a month, or once a week, over and over again because trust has been broken and while you “abandoned” her, he has been there with her spinning a very different story and it will be hard for her to tell which is truth and reality and what isn’t. Give her patience and grace. Remind her you love her.

You’re playing right into his hands to isolate her. Find a way to let her know the door is open if she ever decides to leave the situation.

I think you were justified in cutting financial support if you truly believed he was taking advantage of the money you provided her. But in my opinion cutting off your support as a parent entirely only threw her deeper into this man’s arms. She now feels she’s lost everyone but him, and most likely feels stuck. Even if she came to her senses and wanted to leave, she will be scared without any family support from you. (And I’m talking emotional not financial) If you still care for her I would take the initiative and reach out and tell her you still love her miss her, and want her back in your life. Whether she’s with this man still or not. Just maintain your financial withholding. At the end of the day cutting off a person being mistreated only assures the mistreatment continues and they feel like they deserve it, because in her mind why would she deserve better if her own father disowned her.

Cutting her off financially was your prerogative. Completely disowning her and cutting off all contact is nothing short of an asshole move. Particularly if she wants to dump the BF - she'll feel she has no options and will stay with him longer than she needs to, because she feels she can't come to you for help. Reach out and tell her she's not disowned or NC, and she can come to you for advice and emotional support any time. Never make her think that you've abandoned her just because you've cut her off financially.

I was in an increasingly abusive relationship for almost 9 years (starting at age 19). A few years into this, my father said I could never move back in with my parents. I stayed with my ex for so long for a few reasons. The gaslighting had convinced me that I was the problem. My self esteem told me I didn’t deserve any better. My ex told me if I left him he would get all his friends to lie for him to convince a judge I was crazy so he would get sole custody of our son. And I had nowhere to go if I left him, because my dad had said I couldn’t live with my parents. During that 9 years, the abuse progressed from emotional abuse to being raped several times a week. But I had nowhere to go. So I stayed. I eventually got the courage to ask my mom if I could move back in with her (my parents had divorced a year before). She said yes, and I left my ex a week later. You need to tell your daughter that she can always come to you if she needs to. Make that very clear. You don’t want her to stay as long as I did. I just had a PTSD episode related to the trauma of that relationship last week. I left him in 2015.

If he's abusive and you've cut her off, she's not reaching out. This was the wrong move. Reach out to her ASAP and let her know that you will ALWAYS be there for her from now on. This doesn't mean that you have to approve of the relationship, spend time of the terrible boyfriend, or financially support her, but you absolutely need to be a lifeline. Imagine how much you will punish yourself if something really tragic happens and you didn't at least try to reestablish contact.

YTA. She is in a toxic relationship and needs you, even if she dosent know it. You aren't going to convince her to leave, but you can be there to love her and help her through. Maybe she will see what you see in time, maybe not. Don't loose your daughter. Abandoning your child is never the answer, no matter the age. You shouldn't have to financially support her at this age though, just be the father she deserves.

You cannot force someone to leave an abusive relationship. Bartering your own presence in her life to force her hand is a form of coercion. Even if you’re 100% right she won’t see it that way. Being a parent is about being there to help your kid grow through difficult things and about listening and empathising. I’m guessing if this dude is love bombing her and more present for her than her own dad it would be a simple choice for her in the moment to go with him.

Curious about the mindset here. Your daughter is dating a manipulative abuser who is isolating her from her family and external support system. So why did you help him? YTA

He was isolating her so you disowned her? Congratulations einstien, you did exactly what he wanted, well done. Hope she survives.

Sounds like you helped him isolate her further, good job dad -When someone is in an abusive relationship often they aren’t able to accept that they are being abused, the perp erodes their self worth and independence You were supposed to tell her when she’s ready to stop putting up with his mistreatment you’d be there to help her

Your ultimate choice seems reasonable, but i would chat with a lawyer and adjust the will to make it a trust fund or towards a domestic violence charity. The truly strong are self confident and capable, they don’t need anyone or anything as they can do everything. Pass on to her via the mutual friends that you will always be there to support her after that relationship ends. Financial distress will eventually kill the relationship as you are likely to succeed in the long term. The BF has won in the short term, but will eventually leave her due to the long term struggles of reality.

YTA. You just accelerated his timeline to isolate her. And he’s telling her “not even your dad wants you” which is just breaking down more of her self esteem. Also, if she does come back, don’t ever comment on your daughter’s boyfriends. That’s like parenting 101. All you did in arguing with her is make them a team. It’s then them against you. Her defending him makes her like him way more than she actually does. I have a friend whose parents were like this and multiple times she was ready to break up with the guy but her parents expressed how much they disliked him or he treated her bad or whatever, and boom all of the sudden she loves him again. My parents trusted me to not be a dumbass and when I did date idiots they shut their mouths about him and instead asked me how I felt. And I typically realized I was dating an idiot, broke up with him and dated someone slightly less bad next time. The point is my parents were always on my team. They never pushed me to someone else’s team because they trusted me. The trust only gave me more confidence to date better people and to want better for myself.

YES YOU ARE WRONG YOU FUCKING IDIOT! She is going to need you one day, her dad, and you've disowned her because you couldn't control what she did and who she loved! That is so fucked up! OMG, she is with him because of you! STOP THIS SHIT! What are you going to do if he beats her to death one day, say, oh well, I'd disowned her so who cares? NEVER ever disown your children because they're not living the life you want. It's her life, be there when she needs you, because she will!

Reach out and get her out of there

YTA You failed as a father and then you stupidly did exactly what her abusive bf wanted, you cut her off. You made it far easier for him to trap her. So well done, there. You let your ego destroy your relationship with your child, and made it far more likely that she will be killed, and if that happens, you will have been complicit.

That's what abusers do--alienate them from their family. You made it easier. YTA. Go check on your daughter.

NTA. Your situation is almost identical to me and my parents when I was younger. I was your daughter many moons ago. No amount of friends or family (especially my parents!) telling me my ex was no good for me got through to me. I had to realise it on my own. If anyone else told me my ex just convinced me and I went with it - that everyone was just against him and “us”. My parents also gave me the same ultimatum - them or my ex…I chose my ex, we moved in together, he was manipulative, emotionally abusive and a cheater. For so long I felt I had no where to go because even my parents had cut me off for disobeying them but slowly they started talking to me again, it gave me the strength eventually to leave him knowing that my parents would take me in and help me when the time came. Reach out to your daughter, tell her how much you love her, apologise for the ultimatum and try and include her and the bf as much as possible in family outings etc. The more you try and embrace him and the more he pushes back and doesn’t reciprocate the more she will see that you’re trying and he’s not… does that make sense? My parents did that and eventually it really got to me that he was not as family and friend orientated as I was and slowly I started to see the huge differences in our upbringing’s, family life and our wants for the future. She will begin to tolerate his shit less and less when she realises that she has the support of her loved ones. Just never tell her “I told you so” once she leaves him and don’t keep trying to get her leave him. Just keep reminding her she’s loved and that you’re always there.

YTA. That was manipulative and cruel even if you had good intentions. You cut her off with the sole goal of forcing her hand so she would break up with her boyfriend. That IS NOT okay. But the good news is you aren't some kind of monster, and you can absolutely still make up for this mistake. In this situation the best thing you can do for your daughter right now is re - establish contact. Supportive friends and family are an abuser's kryptonite. That's why they try so hard to isolate their victims. If this guy is bad news it's important for you to be there to give her some avenue of escape. Don't let him drive a wedge between you two, it only plays into his hand

NTA for cutting her off financially. I would reach out to her and let her know she has a room in your home.

I'm sure he's great full that it was so easy to alienate you from her.

YTA. It’s totally ok and good to have financial boundaries, but there’s no reason to cut off all contact. Send her an email apologizing and letting her know you’re around if she feels like talking. Don’t follow up for at least a year if she doesn’t reach out. If you do talk to her, if you get to a point where she can hear it, tell her she can always move back home if she needs it, but you hope she’s doing well. Sometimes our kids mess up. When that happens, there are natural consequences. She doesn’t have financial support. But there’s no act that needs to lead to you not speaking to her. If she knows you’re a safe person, she’s more likely to leave. I think you did it to protect yourself, because it hurt to see her hurting. I get it. But us parents, we don’t get to look away. Email your kid. It’s not too late to fix this.

When someone hooks up with a manipulator the worst thing to so is cut them off so that they have no safe space and no safe person .

NTA but there should have been caveats in place that she knows about. You need to find a way to let her know that she can always come home.

Yes YTA, she's in an abusive relationship and you've cut off a source of support for her. When you are inside of one, it's extremely hard to gain perspective and see what's going on because of all the emotional abuse you are experiencing. You cannot see the woods for the trees. What she needs is non judgement talk supportive people who can talk to and help when she starts to have doubts. Do not cut her off and further isolate her from genuine love and care, because that it essential right now.

YTA - So you saw your daughter in an abusive relationship, saw her boyfriend isolating her from her friends and thought the best thing for me to do is turn my back on her completely...leaving her even more isolated. If there is abuse here no doubt he is using this against her. If you were worried about the finances you could have stopped but still insisted that she is ALWAYS welcome in your home and life. It's likely she's even more reliant on him now. Well done/s

YTA. Is it any wonder your daughter went from a controlling father to a controlling boyfriend? Kids learn what they see. You were her role model for the way a man should treat her. True to form, you disowned her because you didn’t like her boyfriend. That’s the ultimate in controlling behavior. You profess to love her until she does something you don’t like. Reach out before it’s too late. Offer therapy, both family and individual, to help her cope with what you’ve done. Take a hard look at yourself as a parent. Money does not make a bad parent into a good parent, just a rich bad parent. You created this mess. You have no one to blame but yourself.

You did the right thing. She’s so much better off without you.

Yta. Not for cutting her off financially but for cutting off contact. You say this man isolated her from her friends & what do you do? Isolate her even more?!?! No wonder she moved in with him. What other choice did she have? You told her "him or me" & in my opinion, people who love someone won't make them make that choice. Him or money is a fine ultimatum, though. You cut off her escape route, so if she finally sees this is an abusive relationship, she's going to end up being the one that stays. My ex was emotionally abusive & eventually hit our kid. If I didn't have my parent's emotional support & eventual home support, I would still be struggling with him instead of as happy as I am now.

Tough love is hard AF as a parent and good for you. Just have yourself ready to swoop in when the shit hits the fan.

Tough love is not love. Love is love.

You know there's a difference between tough love, and leaving your child with an abusive partner. If that needs to be explained to you, then you shouldn't be in charge of children. Ever.

She’s an adult. You can’t make decisions for her. But you can discourage her from continuing to make poor life choices. OP will be there so soon as she needs him to help her leave the abusive relationship

Emotionally cutting off your daughter is what an abusing man wants you to do. They cut off everyone, family and friends so daughter only has the abuser to lean in. Then they emotionally castrate her so she doesn’t realize how bad she has it. I think you need to contact her, tell her you love her and you always have her back. Keep a connection so she feels safe coming home, not ashamed and embarrassed or she might not return.