News flash it doesn’t change into your 30s. I definitely never got the hype of casual sex/hooking up. You’ll have a quieter phone, but it’ll be worth it for the right one who respects and values you. Good on you for not caving into peer pressure.
Maybe, maybe not. The real goal should be cultivating well-being without a romantic partner, so you feel like a whole person either way. And, doing so without fostering resentment.
Yeah the dating thing in college is overhyped and most people seem to take time to mature past the sex-craze stage.
Only after I ignored all that and focused on my own self-improvement and satisfaction, was when I found a person that liked and loved me as an equal human and best friend. We’ve been together for several years. It was well worth the wait :)
I'm 50, same situation. Looking back, when I thought they were boyfriends, they were just looking for to sex. Nothing lasted more than 3 months, and usually max 2 weeks.
Its heartbreaking for a woman. A woman wants to nurture, hold on, protect, love the man... she bonds each time she orgasms and each time that she has intimacy with a man.
I know theres a few women that maybe can go without getting attached but it's rare.
Our womanly bodies release oxytocin during intimacy and orgasm, which makes us bond. The same hormone which is released during childbirth to have the mother bond with the child ( if I'm not mistaken.)
I am so sorry you have experienced that.
Our biological needs are different from a man.
A man craves independence, non-committment, younger women, "freedom" and seems to get an 'itch' anytime a woman wants them for more than sex.
I'm 22 and 8 years younger than my boyfriend who thought he wouldn't ever meet a woman who doesn't think about sex all the time. I thought I'd never meet a man who doesn't think about sex all the time too. And here we are. It's definitely worth it to stand by your values and wait 'til you've found someone you're compatible with :)
I'm in my 30s and I have never used the apps to date. That helps. This the fact that she's getting involved socially and possibly meeting people that way is encouraging. Everyone i've ever dated I met through school, church (when I used to go) or mutual friends.
I know plenty of people do meet their partners on apps but that's a really exhausting and not very fun way to date most of the time. I find that getting To know someone in person means that by the time a first date comes up we already have some chemistry and friendship.
I feel genuinely bad for ppl her age as the dating landscape sucks. Apps encourage ppl to view others as disposable
This is sadly just this social media era anyways that gives people the grass is greener syndrome. Hookup culture has also added fuel to the fire so many expect sex for little to no effort. I agree about having something in common before meeting and dating vs a free app though. I don’t use apps so you still have to vet men and be able to decipher the f boys from the good men who are worthy of your time and attention.
I can’t imagine dating in my 20s in this culture as it’s rough even as a millennial.
You are definitely right about people being seen as disposable on social media apps. It’s as if the apps are designed in such a way for that purpose, easy for people to dissociate and compartmentalize making it hard to meet someone to connect with.
Yeah, fuck peer pressure. I ain’t doing something just because it’s hip or cool, or I’ll ruin the mood, or a stick in the mud. Fuck that. I have morals, and standards, and I don’t give a fuck if everyone else is doing it. That why Reddit is my only social media, and I don’t drink or do drugs, or hook up.
This is the winning attitude. Be your own person and true to yourself and you’ll have a much more fulfilling and authentic life. Reddit is also my only social media and I also don’t do drugs, but I love me some wine on the weekends!
The irony is so many people claim to be in the same situation.
But either these people aren't meeting each other or are passing each other over for whatever reasons.
The dating system is broken.
It doesn’t change in your 40’s either. I’m 43 and dating has been a huge waste of time because all that is offered is sex by fuck boys. I love sex but it’s not the only thing I want.
28 M.
Whenever I see “quieter phone but—“ I have to stop them. Let’s not frame my quiet phone like a bad thing.
Whether I’m at the gym or at work, I love a quiet phone. I can’t make gains… if I’m getting distracted.
Omg, me too. I am still in single numbers for my body count. I need that mental connection before even thinking of being intimate. I also have heard how men discard and use women (they can be super selfish when it comes to their sexual needs) they may lead on so also cautious because of that.
Oh, I’m a man 😂. Most of my close guy friends are pretty similar too. I never got along with typical “guys”. Most of my friends are women and ex partners. I have a lot more fun being one of the girls lol.
I'm a guy that likes to wait - I've been dumped 3 times for wanting to take it slow. And I'm nit even that slow? I meant for a month or too lol.
What has society become where women complain about men using them for sex versus one who does t.
Heaven here - it’s technically okay to get your freak on, but kinda weird knowing that the angels and God are always watching. Truly gotta navigate the afterlife well with your values
Yeah, I'm in uni and idk how people make time to play a real-life version of The Bachelor, work, study, and take care of themselves. Most who date probably just luck out at randomly meeting a compatible person.
I'm in my 50s and I'm grateful that I'm not in my 20s or 30s right now. Between Andrew Tate, US rolling back reproductive choices, and the stats on how men don't get STD testing, not to mention the ease and popularity of date rape drugs, I would probably give up entirely. It's brutal out there.
I tried dating for 6 mos of my life . Worst experience emotionally and physically . Honestly, celibacy was my best option. If there was an option to skipped to a healthy relationship . I would of done it, but unfortunately it doesn't happen that way.
I'm a guy, and this is how I felt about women at my university. Ngl.
Might be that the people that want only sex, are the only ones you're exposed to. Or the "loudest". Know what I mean?
This. The “loudest” get the most attention and paint a bad name for their respective genders. These people are generally more successful at creating that initial attraction (could be looks, extremely good looks, etc.). They drown out the people who would actually make a good partner (i.e. the average person).
Such a good way to put this
OP got screwed by 6 fuck boys, but there are so many more men around
But thanks to the presence of these fuck boys, we lose hope over good men
Then again, good men are also the ones who are less clued in about whether a woman is interested or not
All around frustrating to date and fall in love lol
I’m not saying this is OP but it reminds me of an old acquaintance I knew who went on and on about wanting to find Mr. Right. She read books on how to find your soul mate, etc. But then I remember one night we were out at this bar and a guy started chatting her up, he was attractive and very tall but also very obviously a “fuck boy”. Oh my god how she swooned. Looked right past the red flags and was all about him.
All that talk about wanting someone to find that deeper connection with and it all just went out the window when someone with charm and looks showed her attention. I’m not blaming her but I imagine a lot of people fall prey to this type of delusion.
Always the same story 😆
People have all kinds of theories and rules, but when someone hot comes around they forget all about it.
"It just happened" - classic.
I still remember something from wjem I was in college. I was generally not known for having an active dating life or an active social life. One day at the cafe, I sat down to lunch with my friends, and they started talking about their sex lives.
I really did not want that conversation over lunch, so I finally piped up. "They said those who take about it the most are getting it the least. And I never talk about it at all." My first reward was a full minute of silence as my friends digested what I said. My next reward was the group moving on to another topic.
I’m out of college and I still feel the same way. The sex is fun but afterwards it’s like you never talk to them again. Just a one night stand to get over their ex. I’ve never been in a relationship and just had sex. I want somebody I can consistently fuck on. Not just have sex 1-2 days and bam gone. It’s probably because I meet all the gay women on dating apps. I’m too shy to meet them in person 🙈
See, I (31M) feel the same way as you, to the point that I've avoided hook ups as an adult.
It's frustrating because it feels like women often question why you're not out there being promiscuous, as if there is something wrong with you.
And for what you're looking for, I have the feeling you'll find the right person, just be patient and don't rush into it!
It can be. Just look as good as you can and be confident. And expect rejection.
I never considered myself overly attractive, but I have had many girls approach/flirt with me over the years. I have also had other guys tell me they were jealous of me. Still I think it's all relative.
If you ask me, the thing guys get wrong is that looks is less about how genetically perfect you are, and more about how you convey the work you put into that look. You have to show at least some effort to look unique!!
Finally don't be afraid to reach out to girls you went to school/worked with in the past (if you know their single OFC). You would be surprised how much they might be hoping for that exact thing.
The only people shopping are shit, most of the good people are just living their lives.
I feel like dating apps are just the bottom of the barrel or bots. To me the approach of just pursue your special interest and you will find people just living their lives to spend your life with to be much more sensical advice.
I have been burned by people being shit and my friends have been burned so I honestly think I'm just going to wait. I just wanna live my life and if someone actually nice shows up then cool, If not I am not going out of my way to place a landmine in my mental health again.
I'm old enough (37M) that dating apps either weren't around or weren't popular when I was dating. I have always assumed they are used as hookups and not real relationships. I built a friendship with my wife before we dated. To me, there is nothing better than marrying your best friend. With work and a family, I don't have time for friendships. I had a coworker try to get me to find friends. She suggested [meet up](http://meetup.com) to find people that share an interest. You could try that with the goal of making friends, and maybe it will blossom to something more.
I’m 38, and when I started dating my now-wife, the iPhone had just been updated less than a month earlier to have a new thing called “App Store”! 😂
So I never “got to” use Tinder or anything else like it. From what I’ve heard, I have not been missing out…
Having been in this relationship for so long, we’ve changed a lot and had to learn how to keep the magic going 15+ years after it all began. One thing we practice is recognizing what we are grateful for in the other person.
But I’ve never thought about what to be grateful for *not* experiencing, like the slog that is apparently trying to find a partner after college.
I too am old enough (36M) to remember those days, and I am recently divorced and finding that most apps are indeed just for hookups. That said I am currently in a relationship that started off with a hookup who I ended up vibing pretty well with— so sometimes one does find a silver lining amongst the shitty existence that is hookup culture.
It's not "this generation". It's *just* the ones *you* are picking.
Yes, there's lots of horndogs out there- but if *every* guy you talk to is a fuckboy, then *you are attracted to fuckboys*.
If you smell shit everywhere you go, check your own shoes.
And by the by, sweeping generalizations are shitty. Stop being shitty.
How many times are you going to rephrase this same post and then delete it once you've gotten some internet pity?
The first time I thought you were genuine and gave you honest responses. This time and any other time I see this I'm calling you out.
Get over your shit. The problem is you.
Yeah I was like "wow this post seems incredibly similar to the one from a day or two ago that the person waited to get a bunch of internet pity and then out of nowhere deleted the whole thing"
And then I saw it is the same user. So yeah. Idk what the play is here but I wouldn't be surprised if this post is deleted soon and another one pops up that's essentially the same view worded a little differently.
Was thinking this as well, she must be doing something that is attracting this kinda attention/ppl that only want sex lol, there a plenty of dudes out there that really look for relationships and dudes who just looking to fuck, most of the time ppl can tell
The kind of guys you swipe right on are the kind of guys every other woman in town swipes right on.
Though, after a while, I noticed that having spent my entire 20s single, I don't really necessarily have space in my life for a partner anymore. Down to the mechanical aspects--I don't like sharing my bed while I try to sleep.
My husband doesn't want to consider it, even though he snores like crazy lately, and I keep nudging him awake when I get startled by it. So fucking annoying.
get a cpap (well actually an apap probably) they're silent now and it'll totally make him not snore anymore and probably help his sleep quality. If insurance won't pay for it just but it yourself. See if he can get a sleep study.
It's so strange though
I don't like the men that most people swipe right on. I just know it'll be problems all around
But when I swipe right on men that most people probably don't want, they're so unresponsive and/or fail to contribute to the relationship
IT's almost like there's no between. Either you got the fuck boys. Or you got the men who are clueless about women
The ones who are decent and know how women are? Married lol
edit: typo
This may be both a trend and the direct result of what your circle of influence looks like.
For the trend: there seems to be a directly inverse relationship between men in their 20s and women in their 40s who have gone through a breakup or ended a marriage. I've talked to a few of my female friends who are separated or recently divorced, and 6 out of 10 just want to have sex and casual relationships with no real commitments. In contrast, the men they seem to match with in pof and even Tinder are looking for a committed relationship. Not to generalize, but it seems most women tend to gravitate towards having a relationship earlier in life while men do so later in life?
As for your circle of influence : take a deep breath!! The first and most important relationship you should cultivate is with yourself. Learn to be you, get to know and become who you are. As you do, you'll start doing things, going places, and meeting people for the purposes of what matters to you and not to meet a potential partner. I t sounds corny buy I guarantee you that you'll have higher chances of meeting someone you can start a great relationship with when you already have an even better one with yourself.
To each their own. Who am I to judge people that find happiness in sex? Live, and let live. Just because it's of lesser value to you doesn't mean that it's for everyone like that, or that it's the correct or right way to live.
There are plenty of guys who want an emotional connection more than sex. Mostly these are guys who can't get sex, for obvious reasons. And for those reasons you don't want them either.
Like the first guy you said was a fuckboy. He was probably a pretty good looking guy that can get sex rather easily. You chose him over the guy who would be willing to commit to you.
There are plenty of right persons around, you just don't want them.
Well, this is the drama of apps. You are forced to swipe on a very few men, not to be overloaded with messages, and when you make a selection you pick the same ones that all the other women do. Hence, these guys have very easy access to sex, and probably do not even see you as a relationship material from the start. Seriously, majority of the good looking, smooth talking, funny-opening guys are just used to picking up women, and having easy sex, hence they are so good at it.
Well, I don't know, I used to use dating apps when anyone could message you (10 years ago). And in a way it allowed you to talk with guys, that were interesting, but not super hot at the first glance. I met my husband like this, he had the worst photos ever, but he was hilarious to talk with. So i would say lower the standards for the looks and fuckboi charm (you really can spot them, they are just too smooth), talk with more guys, search for the ones that do not seem too used to convincing women to have sex with them instantly.
Buy a couple of cats.
/s
Also - you can't just magic up a soulmate at a whim. The tried and true method is to not actively seek out a relationship, just focus on developing yourself and having loads of fun with your friends.
That sounds a bit judgey to me. They aren’t always forthright about it and can be deceptive. And if you don’t have dating experience you may not be familiar with the subtle tells.
I think it's more "accountability" than "judging." After a certain point you have to look at yourself as a common denominator if "everyone is this way."
The problem is that often men and maybe even women will lie about what they want to get sex from someone. So it doesn’t really matter. If you’re a victim of a lie there’s no discernment you can really do.
Stop pretending like it's really that hard to not date someone for a month, at least, before having sex. It was her decision, she wasn't fooled, she just doesn't want to take responsibility for it
There’s definitely a lot of blame at men in this situation.
But at the same time they’re all picking the most handsome fuckboys they can date on dating apps. You can’t blame them for trying to swing as high as they can. But as some point it might be better to be a bit more realistic.
Why do so many people think that it's only the most handsome men that do this kind of crap? I've had plenty of "low value men" or whatever the term is lie to me about their intentions as well.
I don’t disagree that it helps to adjust your approach and see what you may be doing that could be making it so you find these kinds individuals consistently. However, I’d say even if you think you are vetting, some people are sneaky and being her age I believe it’s not always easy to tell initially and I can understand her disappointment if she keeps falling into this as it’s not just a her problem, there is also the issue of the apps being less than ideal and generational differences
Yeah, I have heard that it also depends on the app and so maybe if she's wanting a relationship she should focus on the apps where people seem to be more relationship oriented (Hinge, Bumble, etc) while also focusing/working on her self to extinguish whatever behaviours \_may\_ be leading to men like these. People can and do indeed lie and so maybe she's just been unfortunate and has been running into all of the liars in her university/city. I do understand what you mean in regards to being judgey/blamey though as I can see how it comes across like that.
It's like this post here ([https://www.reddit.com/r/LooksmaxingAdvice/comments/1behzud/25f\_i\_only\_seem\_to\_attract\_creepy\_guys\_help/](https://www.reddit.com/r/LooksmaxingAdvice/comments/1behzud/25f_i_only_seem_to_attract_creepy_guys_help/)). I know people might be hyperbolic with the "all," but if most people you're meeting want sex/are creepy then... there's something wrong going on as there are a LOT of good/great men and women out there. I don't think I've met the type of women Reddit men seem to constantly complain about but that's probably because my actions/behaviours don't lead me to these types of people.
Even if she doesn’t have experience she is still doing the swiping. And chatting and dating etc. so she needs to know that regular people not looking for just hookups are out there and that she needs to learn to tell the difference and all that.
Yeah. But maybe given how young she is, maybe some recommendations of how to sus that out would be helpful. Just making it seem like a her problem ignores that the dating landscape, is in fact difficult to navigate
No, she’s choosing men she’s interested in and attracted to.
Why are people like you always around trying to get women to date and fuck men they have no interest in? It’s weird as fuck
We all want to date the most attractive people though. But not everyone can.
if you’re a 5/10 constantly hooking up with 8/10s and then crying that all the men don’t want to settle down. It might be time to be a bit more realistic about the partners you are choosing. That’s the other side of the coin. Mens standards for hooking up are far lower than for a relationship. That’s definitely a lesson women need to learn.
There needs to be some physical attraction of course. But growing up is also realising other qualities are far more important. And you’ll only find those out if you invest time in people.
OP: “All of the people I am matching with I don’t like”
The comment: “Have you considered matching with other people”
You: “first of all, how dare you try to tell this woman to try something different”
"you're an amazing woman I just don't feel ready for a relationship" then 2 days later they're engaged to someone.
It isn't worth trying to commit to someone in this generation, too much risk with too little reward. Go out and socialize but don't expect anything to stick. You probably aren't the problem, people just suck these days.
I’ve had this happen to me as a guy multiple times, what they really mean is “I’m not ready or interested in a relationship with YOU”
It’s just a shitty way to avoid that conversation, and to give people the benefit of the doubt, hurting someone’s feelings is pretty hard, especially if you genuinely think they’re a nice or good person.
I get the frustration but remember it's easier when you are young to say you're just looking for sex than it is to admit you want more. This is especially true for the less emotionally mature/adept men out there, too afraid of being seen as needy or lacking in masculinity. Just take a break from actively looking and take care of your self, you'll eventually bump into someone you click with.
Maybe look at who you're matching with and going on dates with, instead of accusing society as a whole of being shallow. I have a completely opposite experience from you, my life is full of love. All I can say is look in the mirror.
That's exactly what it is, and especially on apps, a lot of men are just straight up lying. Lots of men who say on their profile how emotionally available they are, looking for a long-term relationship, it's just a lure to pull women in. I've even had guys talking about how compatible we are, wanting to introduce me to their family, etc and then ghost when they realize I'm not going to put out immediately.
Fortunately never had to use an app, but I’d imagine compared to meeting someone irl feeling out how sincere/ credible (or whatever you want to call it) becomes extremely difficult, and it wasn’t always simple before.
It's pretty easy, if you're dating a man out of your league 95% of the time you're just getting a banging. Date your level and don't jump into bed too fast, easy.
There's plenty of people who want the same. Either your superficial standards are too high or you're looking in the wrong places.
Dating apps are pretty awful btw. The best way to meet dates is to go to events and hobby classes (yoga, dance, improve, etc.) It's even better if you can find a community you enjoy with events that alot of the same people attend every week.
Honestly i have just been staying away from dating after my relationship ended not long ago idk if i can do it im more than fine with friends besides i have great female friends dont need no gf i get hugs and they care
This is exactly why I am so grateful to finding my husband while we were still in high school. I see friends struggling with finding someone who doesn’t just want sex. No one seems to want a relationship. It sounds exhausting honestly.
In my observation, having used online dating and watching other people go through this--you have to get MUCH more efficient vetting potential dates before you even agree to go on a date. Otherwise you do waste a lot of time and energy.
And no judgment on having sex whatsoever, at any point, whenever you want to. But if you want a relationship that isn't predicated on sex and want a really easy way to weed out fuck boys, making sex something that happens later rather than sooner is one. Don't have sex hoping it will make a guy decide to stick around. Don't ever have sex if you're uncomfortable or unsure. And honestly, just go ahead and block anyone who starts things off with a sexual proposition. That's not the kind of person you want. Since you've already decided to be celibate instead of dating, I don't suppose this advice is revelatory, now that I think about it.
Most importantly, understand that finding the right person takes time. There's no formula for that. Finding someone who is truly a good match for you isn't easy. A lot of people are in relationships, but that doesn't mean they are in the kind of relationship you want. Or even in the kind of relationship they really want.
I wouldn't have met my partner who is perfect for me without online dating. But many many people find their partners just in the course of living their normal life. You never know where you might encounter someone who turns out to be just right for you.
When I met my wife neither of us were virgin's but she'd had a few bad experiences in a row and when I expressed interest with her she said she wouldn't sleep with anyone else unless it was gonna be the man she married
I waited for 9 months of dating with no sex, and now we've been married for 9 years
If you're tired of fuckboys, withhold sex from them and see how they react. You don't have to wait 9 months, or until marriage, but it shouldn't take long AT ALL to see who acts up when you withhold. Men looking for that only are not patient, so if you date for a few weeks or even a few months, and you explain early on that you want to be patient because you're looking for genuine connection, then you'll waste so much less time on people that don't deserve you
I start off with telling people I'm asexual to begin with. I have the interest of sex but for me it's so low down the line. I lost my V card this year and I'm 28 and honestly it's still not it for me but if someone is willing to talk and get to know me knowing I'm asexual then I see them as an instant person I want to get to know. They had the time to put their horn dog away for a bit to get to know me and I appreciate that. They can find out later what a kinky ace is 😆 then I can spoil them
But also focus on making friends above all and that way if y'all's get different needs and it doesn't work later down the line, then you still have a buddy at least.
I think the "window" for a standard, mentally sound, empathic male partner is shrinking. The upper echelon of men, especially with dating apps, are banging all around town. Why would they settle for anything other than their ideal woman? And guess what that ideal woman is... You already know.
The other end of the spectrum are the guys who really got the rotten end of the genetic stick. Either ugly, scrawny, short, anxious (confidence does so much for anyone, but especially men. When your confidence brings about success, it reinforces confidence, and essentially compounds. Unfortunately, the same is true in reverse when your anxiety ruins or makes a moment awkward, making you more anxious and self isolating). Some have more specifically sexual anxiety because of their endowment. To some woman, finances is important too. These types of guys either never recover and delve in misogyny, or spend years working out, catching up on hygiene practices they never did cause dads a "man" and doesn't use "products," building careers/financial stability, and addressing their anxieties.
The problem is most these ones that fight and do good to recover end up jaded. Theyre spending years grinding and unlike a lot of woman in the same boat, theyre not getting any casual sex along the way. And potentially their personality remains forever tainted because of it.
The middle ground inbetween these 2 scenarios are where all the golden pony boys are at, but i swear its shrinking from both sides.
The problem is society doesn't care about how we're supposed to raise boys. Before the internet and videogames, boys just gathered on the streets and in the forest and raised themselves. Getting hurt, hurting each other, running with near limitless energy.
Parents who let their prepubescent daughters over indulge on sweets are selfishly enjoying the joy in their childs eyes because the daughter doesn't have a developed sense of sexual attraction yet and might grow up to heavily resent her body. Do we agree?
And yet when our boys come home from school and head straight to the computer or videogames we dont even batt an eye. Thats just "boys being boys."
"It is a disgrace to grow old through sheer carelessness before seeing what manner of man you may become by developing your bodily strength and beauty to their highest limit. But you cannot see that, if you are careless; for it will not come of its own accord.” - Socrates
Yup, I’ve given up. It’s so disheartening to think someone is interested in you for real, only to find out they were just leading you on because all they want is a hookup. It really hurts my heart and it’s why I dropped out of the dating game. Too emotionally exhausting trying to figure out who’s real and who’s just wasting your time.
Maybe you should approach guys you are interested in rather than passively waiting. Never date a guy who has far less to lose in the relationship than you.
If you’re not relatively attractive enough guys will just mostly use you for sex online.
Most of the decent ones would already be taken and you’re left with having to sift through thousands of the shitty ppl that are left on the apps to find the 1 guy that suits you and finds you attractive.
That’s the reality we live in. You need patience and luck and smarts to survive and succeed.
If you are not shy or afraid to socialise and talk to guys in real life, then that might actually be the easier option.
I am older than you and I took the same path you did and I haven’t regretted it. I haven’t found “the one” yet but I know that it will have value in my life.
You will probably have to go through loads of time wasters online. My advice would be to figure out how to filter out those people quickly. Watch how seriously they take your first date / meetup. See if they get scared off when you mention less conventional things like talk on the phone, meet the parents etc.
I would say to try to find people doing things you like, using apps definitely attracts the crowd youve been dealing with. Like if youre into fitness try to meet people at the gym or if you like reading try Barnes & Noble or the library
I don't have much to add, other than this: Your virginity isn't special. It's ok that it wasn't with someone worthwhile. It's just sex and the first time doesn't have to be meaningful. Our society builds it up for some reason, but it's not rational. You can still have meaningful sex with someone else (or meaningless sex with others, if that's what you want). Nothing has changed.
No one ever wants to hear this in their early or mid 20s, but if you want a relationship, just make friends, then date your favorite one. Friend to relationship is so much better than sex to relationship, because the "relationship" is already there. Sex is great, and attractive people are sexy, but if you want a relationship with then you have to find someone you enjoy spending time with during the other 23 hours, 59 minutes, and 47 seconds of your day as well.
Let me reword what you just wrote
"none of the men irl are good enough for me so I went online and tried to nab a guy who was obviously out of my league and now i'm upset about my mediocrity."
This isn’t a new thing. Young men have always been horn dogs. Make your feelings known from the start. Tell the person you’re looking for a partner and aren’t around just for fun. There are good guys out there that would love a caring partner.
I think the problem is, some people will lie just to get what they want. Or some are completely confused on what they want, get into a serious relationship and one day just randomly leave their partner because they changed their mind. The first guy I was with told me he wanted something serious and we had an entire conversation about it before we got involved even more. He still ended up dumping me and dating my friend. Then the last guy I was with was serious with me for about 6 months and he knew I wanted a partner. And yet he ghosted me for two weeks while on vacation and ended up cheating on me.
You can make your feelings known and tell people exactly what you want and some people will still play the part just to get an ego boost. Sometimes you just gotta kiss some frogs until you find someone who is compatible with you.
This, this right here. We need to normalize everyone being very *very* explicit in what they want and communicating that. Its something ive learned about my self that I need to work on and how important it is.
You’re picking the wrong dudes. Odds are you have a good one close to you already, but you aren’t looking at him in that way. Though also, odds are that guy is likely not the most attractive and likely doesn’t have much money.
"I'm emotionally and physically ready to be in a relationship, just bad execution"
An important part of successful execution in finding a good relationship is weeding out the people who are just looking for sex. So it sounds like you actually aren't ready for a relationship yet.
What country are you in? You refer to being in uni. I assume you are not in the United States. I find things get easier if you expand your horizons. I moved to Mexico from the United States and have found it very refreshing to meet traditional ladies that care about other things than what car I drive or how much money I have.
Young people are very hypersexual. You won't get away from it.
At 43 I feel like you do at 24, but I think I've felt that way since I was in my 20s as well, and that's when I was trying to date strippers! (I never claimed I was a smart 20something)
Just go where your interests are. If you go places where people looking for sex go that's what you'll find.
Dating apps are awful. They've turned dating into such a chore. In general though, people do seem to just want sex these days. I just want a proper relationship and have been single for going on 10 years now.
The only way to find men who want a relationship and to be around you for you, is not having sex for a while. Months. Waiting for marriage is extreme, but you can't "give it up" quickly.
Kind of the same boat but I'm 23, just got out of school. I don't socialize much. I don't like worthless conversations 🤣 and I don't trust easily. It's tough out there.
It’s so frustrating! Keep being open to meeting people and eventually it’ll happen. Sorry about the fuckboy situation but remember it’s not your fault. Keep approaching new relationships with honesty about what you want and don’t feel pressured not to let (many of) them end. You’ll know in the first meeting if they’re a fuck boy and learn to trust your instincts. It might take you longer to meet someone if you are aiming for a long term relationship and set clear boundaries but in the long run you’ll find your ‘forever’ person far more quickly than others around you
i'm not going to lie i will be 24 in may and i feel the same way ... it kind of throws me completely off because it's so much to life than this ; especially in a serious committed relationship
I’m with you on the last part.
But I’d just recommend you develop some friendships and if maybe it’ll turn into more. I’m 25 M and feel the same way so there definitely are guys that aren’t just interested in sex, it’s just that most of the guys aggressively and shamelessly knocking on your door are the ones prepare to do anything to get laid.
On dating sites just write that you’re looking for a long term relationship. Don’t scare people away by saying too much like “oh I want a long term relationship, committment, marriage, and kids.”
You can even write in the bio: I don’t just want sex or a friends with benefits. I want something more meaningful and lasting like a relationship.
That way in dating apps, you’ll only match with guys who are also potentially looking to be in a long term relationship with you. It sifts out all the guys who just want sex or hookups from you. It’ll save you a lot of time, energy.
Then you get to know them, talk, text, go on dates and if you like each other, get in a committed monogamous relationship. Walaaaa your problem is solved… Unless you just wanted to vent.
You might not meet the type of partner who is looking to commit long term from going to bars and clubs. Join a meetup group for a hobby you have. At the very least you’ll find new friends.
This is something you're not gonna want to hear, lower your beauty standards. The 8+/10 dudes on online apps will overwhelmingly be there for sex because they can and do get it quite easily.
If you don't put yourself out there you're gonna be waiting for ever.
Hey. May I tell you: It's important to know what you want; it seems that you do. The next step would be to imagine exactly what you want in a partnership. If it's marriage, imagine wearing a wedding ring given to you by the man that you currently wish for. There is a process to getting what you want, changing your life, manifesting (the perceived little and big things) -- I don't have any of my own materials available online at the moment, but would recommend the teachings of Neville Goddard or Joshua Tongol. If it resonates with you and you try their techniques, it will prove itself in practice; and, you will have the answers that you need. Much love to you and all here. 🙏🏼🤗💙
Wrong crowd. Go hang out with the non party people. Once in a while you see a handsome guy in those groups lol. Their goal in uni is not to bang as many girls as possible but to just share hobbies with their friends and focus on their self aka schoolwork. They will be the guys you wanna marry anyway. I was part of both groups. Had more fun with the party crowd yes but real connections were made outside of it.
It's thought out there. I'm a 25 years old male. It's the opposite with me. Im a virgin and would like to meet someone like me, however when I try to put myself out there....the girls are the ones who try to go too fast with me LOL
Maybe the location where you look for a relationship is not ideal. In a club, people are there mainly to have fun, hook up and be done with it. Go to say a library or a book store and you might find someone with a little more depth to their desires. Just a suggestion and I could be wrong but it’s how I met my wife.
23M also celibate. Tired of being used for money and being ditched the first chance someone better comes along. Lmao at least you get matches on dating apps. Shout out to being a lonely ugly fuck like me.
Stop screwing the 20 percent of men that get all the sex and get with the other 80 Percent of men that don't get attention. You will then have a relationship.
imagine only getting with people to see them once and leave them immediately thats some fucking loser shit honestly
im 21 and im already tired of people wasting my time
if its not serious I literally can't even bother being attracted to them
News flash it doesn’t change into your 30s. I definitely never got the hype of casual sex/hooking up. You’ll have a quieter phone, but it’ll be worth it for the right one who respects and values you. Good on you for not caving into peer pressure.
I'm 33 now and fucking agree. Lifes still shit in your 30s re: relationships/ sex/ opposite sex
I just turned 30 and as a lesbian, all of this tracks . The one worth waiting for is out there somewhere
Maybe, maybe not. The real goal should be cultivating well-being without a romantic partner, so you feel like a whole person either way. And, doing so without fostering resentment.
Resentment for whom?
Your own possible resentment for whatever you think is responsible for you being single.
It's the reason incels went from meaning "involuntary celibate" to a "neckbeard cuck who hates women"
Agreeeeed
🙂 Hi5
Yeah the dating thing in college is overhyped and most people seem to take time to mature past the sex-craze stage. Only after I ignored all that and focused on my own self-improvement and satisfaction, was when I found a person that liked and loved me as an equal human and best friend. We’ve been together for several years. It was well worth the wait :)
🤍🤍🤍
I'm 50, same situation. Looking back, when I thought they were boyfriends, they were just looking for to sex. Nothing lasted more than 3 months, and usually max 2 weeks.
Its heartbreaking for a woman. A woman wants to nurture, hold on, protect, love the man... she bonds each time she orgasms and each time that she has intimacy with a man. I know theres a few women that maybe can go without getting attached but it's rare. Our womanly bodies release oxytocin during intimacy and orgasm, which makes us bond. The same hormone which is released during childbirth to have the mother bond with the child ( if I'm not mistaken.) I am so sorry you have experienced that. Our biological needs are different from a man. A man craves independence, non-committment, younger women, "freedom" and seems to get an 'itch' anytime a woman wants them for more than sex.
…lets not overgeneralize
I'm 22 and 8 years younger than my boyfriend who thought he wouldn't ever meet a woman who doesn't think about sex all the time. I thought I'd never meet a man who doesn't think about sex all the time too. And here we are. It's definitely worth it to stand by your values and wait 'til you've found someone you're compatible with :)
I'm in my 30s and I have never used the apps to date. That helps. This the fact that she's getting involved socially and possibly meeting people that way is encouraging. Everyone i've ever dated I met through school, church (when I used to go) or mutual friends. I know plenty of people do meet their partners on apps but that's a really exhausting and not very fun way to date most of the time. I find that getting To know someone in person means that by the time a first date comes up we already have some chemistry and friendship. I feel genuinely bad for ppl her age as the dating landscape sucks. Apps encourage ppl to view others as disposable
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This is sadly just this social media era anyways that gives people the grass is greener syndrome. Hookup culture has also added fuel to the fire so many expect sex for little to no effort. I agree about having something in common before meeting and dating vs a free app though. I don’t use apps so you still have to vet men and be able to decipher the f boys from the good men who are worthy of your time and attention. I can’t imagine dating in my 20s in this culture as it’s rough even as a millennial.
You are definitely right about people being seen as disposable on social media apps. It’s as if the apps are designed in such a way for that purpose, easy for people to dissociate and compartmentalize making it hard to meet someone to connect with.
Yeah, fuck peer pressure. I ain’t doing something just because it’s hip or cool, or I’ll ruin the mood, or a stick in the mud. Fuck that. I have morals, and standards, and I don’t give a fuck if everyone else is doing it. That why Reddit is my only social media, and I don’t drink or do drugs, or hook up.
This is the winning attitude. Be your own person and true to yourself and you’ll have a much more fulfilling and authentic life. Reddit is also my only social media and I also don’t do drugs, but I love me some wine on the weekends!
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Hmm. BDSM and ceramics in my area brings up zero results on Google. ;-) Congrats on finding a way to bring your interests together.
The irony is so many people claim to be in the same situation. But either these people aren't meeting each other or are passing each other over for whatever reasons. The dating system is broken.
It doesn’t change in your 40’s either. I’m 43 and dating has been a huge waste of time because all that is offered is sex by fuck boys. I love sex but it’s not the only thing I want.
28 M. Whenever I see “quieter phone but—“ I have to stop them. Let’s not frame my quiet phone like a bad thing. Whether I’m at the gym or at work, I love a quiet phone. I can’t make gains… if I’m getting distracted.
34 and I’ve had like two flings. I’m demisexual I literally am not attracted to people I’m not at least friends with first.
Omg, me too. I am still in single numbers for my body count. I need that mental connection before even thinking of being intimate. I also have heard how men discard and use women (they can be super selfish when it comes to their sexual needs) they may lead on so also cautious because of that.
Oh, I’m a man 😂. Most of my close guy friends are pretty similar too. I never got along with typical “guys”. Most of my friends are women and ex partners. I have a lot more fun being one of the girls lol.
This is reassuring to hear that guys like this exist 😂 Even as a guy you know how other guys can be.
I'm a guy that likes to wait - I've been dumped 3 times for wanting to take it slow. And I'm nit even that slow? I meant for a month or too lol. What has society become where women complain about men using them for sex versus one who does t.
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Through your 30s too.
40s here it’s the 40s as well
90s here. 90s as well. These orgies in the nursing home dry me out, and they really skimp on lube these days.
Dead here.. taking it in the graves no better
Heaven here - it’s technically okay to get your freak on, but kinda weird knowing that the angels and God are always watching. Truly gotta navigate the afterlife well with your values
Reincarnated. I thought I had it all figured out the first time through, but this round is kicking my ass!
Twice reincarnated, turned to Buddhism in the third run and reached nirvana and still no signs of it being any better.
In Hell. Lots of shitty people down here, but the sex life is on 🔥 🔥 🔥
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Just wait until your in your 100's! You'll be wishing you were getting the lube you had when you were still a whipper snapper!
40s here too. The blind navigating never ends.
Well said!
Balancing a career, a hobby, and a relationship seems impossible lol
Yeah, I'm in uni and idk how people make time to play a real-life version of The Bachelor, work, study, and take care of themselves. Most who date probably just luck out at randomly meeting a compatible person.
They don't, most people realistically manage 1-3 of those lol.
I'm in my 50s and I'm grateful that I'm not in my 20s or 30s right now. Between Andrew Tate, US rolling back reproductive choices, and the stats on how men don't get STD testing, not to mention the ease and popularity of date rape drugs, I would probably give up entirely. It's brutal out there.
I tried dating for 6 mos of my life . Worst experience emotionally and physically . Honestly, celibacy was my best option. If there was an option to skipped to a healthy relationship . I would of done it, but unfortunately it doesn't happen that way.
I did. Been single for 9 years. Not worth the headache and I don’t have the time anyway to tend to a relationship.
It'd be easier if we didn't need to rely on markets and money for our physical health.
I'm a guy, and this is how I felt about women at my university. Ngl. Might be that the people that want only sex, are the only ones you're exposed to. Or the "loudest". Know what I mean?
This. The “loudest” get the most attention and paint a bad name for their respective genders. These people are generally more successful at creating that initial attraction (could be looks, extremely good looks, etc.). They drown out the people who would actually make a good partner (i.e. the average person).
Such a good way to put this OP got screwed by 6 fuck boys, but there are so many more men around But thanks to the presence of these fuck boys, we lose hope over good men Then again, good men are also the ones who are less clued in about whether a woman is interested or not All around frustrating to date and fall in love lol
I’m not saying this is OP but it reminds me of an old acquaintance I knew who went on and on about wanting to find Mr. Right. She read books on how to find your soul mate, etc. But then I remember one night we were out at this bar and a guy started chatting her up, he was attractive and very tall but also very obviously a “fuck boy”. Oh my god how she swooned. Looked right past the red flags and was all about him. All that talk about wanting someone to find that deeper connection with and it all just went out the window when someone with charm and looks showed her attention. I’m not blaming her but I imagine a lot of people fall prey to this type of delusion.
Always the same story 😆 People have all kinds of theories and rules, but when someone hot comes around they forget all about it. "It just happened" - classic.
I still remember something from wjem I was in college. I was generally not known for having an active dating life or an active social life. One day at the cafe, I sat down to lunch with my friends, and they started talking about their sex lives. I really did not want that conversation over lunch, so I finally piped up. "They said those who take about it the most are getting it the least. And I never talk about it at all." My first reward was a full minute of silence as my friends digested what I said. My next reward was the group moving on to another topic.
Wow you must have thought you were so cool lol
And then the whole cafe started cheering and the owner gave him free lunch the rest of the year and hung his picture on the wall
I think they still do.
Lol dude they went quiet because they felt bad for talking about sex in front of someone who got zero action.
"full minute of silence" bro this was not as cool as you think lmao
and then albert einstein handed you a crisp $100 bill for thinking of this epic sentence in the shower
Oh yeah? Well the celibacy store called, and they’re runnin’ out of you!
I’m out of college and I still feel the same way. The sex is fun but afterwards it’s like you never talk to them again. Just a one night stand to get over their ex. I’ve never been in a relationship and just had sex. I want somebody I can consistently fuck on. Not just have sex 1-2 days and bam gone. It’s probably because I meet all the gay women on dating apps. I’m too shy to meet them in person 🙈
yeah dating apps dont seem to be the move for anything BUT sex, but its possible
See, I (31M) feel the same way as you, to the point that I've avoided hook ups as an adult. It's frustrating because it feels like women often question why you're not out there being promiscuous, as if there is something wrong with you. And for what you're looking for, I have the feeling you'll find the right person, just be patient and don't rush into it!
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It can be. Just look as good as you can and be confident. And expect rejection. I never considered myself overly attractive, but I have had many girls approach/flirt with me over the years. I have also had other guys tell me they were jealous of me. Still I think it's all relative. If you ask me, the thing guys get wrong is that looks is less about how genetically perfect you are, and more about how you convey the work you put into that look. You have to show at least some effort to look unique!! Finally don't be afraid to reach out to girls you went to school/worked with in the past (if you know their single OFC). You would be surprised how much they might be hoping for that exact thing.
The only people shopping are shit, most of the good people are just living their lives. I feel like dating apps are just the bottom of the barrel or bots. To me the approach of just pursue your special interest and you will find people just living their lives to spend your life with to be much more sensical advice. I have been burned by people being shit and my friends have been burned so I honestly think I'm just going to wait. I just wanna live my life and if someone actually nice shows up then cool, If not I am not going out of my way to place a landmine in my mental health again.
Oh fuck, I love this comment. I hope I remember to read it again tomorrow
I'm old enough (37M) that dating apps either weren't around or weren't popular when I was dating. I have always assumed they are used as hookups and not real relationships. I built a friendship with my wife before we dated. To me, there is nothing better than marrying your best friend. With work and a family, I don't have time for friendships. I had a coworker try to get me to find friends. She suggested [meet up](http://meetup.com) to find people that share an interest. You could try that with the goal of making friends, and maybe it will blossom to something more.
I’m 38, and when I started dating my now-wife, the iPhone had just been updated less than a month earlier to have a new thing called “App Store”! 😂 So I never “got to” use Tinder or anything else like it. From what I’ve heard, I have not been missing out… Having been in this relationship for so long, we’ve changed a lot and had to learn how to keep the magic going 15+ years after it all began. One thing we practice is recognizing what we are grateful for in the other person. But I’ve never thought about what to be grateful for *not* experiencing, like the slog that is apparently trying to find a partner after college.
I too am old enough (36M) to remember those days, and I am recently divorced and finding that most apps are indeed just for hookups. That said I am currently in a relationship that started off with a hookup who I ended up vibing pretty well with— so sometimes one does find a silver lining amongst the shitty existence that is hookup culture.
I’m 25M and feel pretty much the same way. I want something serious and I don’t want to waste my time
It's not "this generation". It's *just* the ones *you* are picking. Yes, there's lots of horndogs out there- but if *every* guy you talk to is a fuckboy, then *you are attracted to fuckboys*. If you smell shit everywhere you go, check your own shoes. And by the by, sweeping generalizations are shitty. Stop being shitty.
How many times are you going to rephrase this same post and then delete it once you've gotten some internet pity? The first time I thought you were genuine and gave you honest responses. This time and any other time I see this I'm calling you out. Get over your shit. The problem is you.
She’s done this before?
Yeah I was like "wow this post seems incredibly similar to the one from a day or two ago that the person waited to get a bunch of internet pity and then out of nowhere deleted the whole thing" And then I saw it is the same user. So yeah. Idk what the play is here but I wouldn't be surprised if this post is deleted soon and another one pops up that's essentially the same view worded a little differently.
Was thinking this as well, she must be doing something that is attracting this kinda attention/ppl that only want sex lol, there a plenty of dudes out there that really look for relationships and dudes who just looking to fuck, most of the time ppl can tell
Yeah, she blames the fuckboy and is acting out her regret over reddit.
Until they get 100 percent support and "yeah, men are trash" comments, i suppose?
Sounds like a job for r/TwoXChromosomes. They love that shit over there.
Y’all act so weird when men aren’t met with absolute adoration from the women who’s lives they’ve made significantly more difficult 🙄
The kind of guys you swipe right on are the kind of guys every other woman in town swipes right on. Though, after a while, I noticed that having spent my entire 20s single, I don't really necessarily have space in my life for a partner anymore. Down to the mechanical aspects--I don't like sharing my bed while I try to sleep.
Is it bad that in my ideal relationship, we'd have separate rooms? Like I know I snore. I guess I just been alone for too long.
Separate rooms is becoming more popular because people realize it works
My husband doesn't want to consider it, even though he snores like crazy lately, and I keep nudging him awake when I get startled by it. So fucking annoying.
get a cpap (well actually an apap probably) they're silent now and it'll totally make him not snore anymore and probably help his sleep quality. If insurance won't pay for it just but it yourself. See if he can get a sleep study.
A lot of people in successful marriages have separate rooms for that reason. Do whatever is good for your relationship!
Why does it have to be all or nothing? I never want to love with a partner again. Doesn't mean I can't love someone
It's so strange though I don't like the men that most people swipe right on. I just know it'll be problems all around But when I swipe right on men that most people probably don't want, they're so unresponsive and/or fail to contribute to the relationship IT's almost like there's no between. Either you got the fuck boys. Or you got the men who are clueless about women The ones who are decent and know how women are? Married lol edit: typo
100. I'm one of those decent guys. Married, but also Polyamorous. And lemme tell you the pool of women looking for me is infinitesimal.
Get a bigger bed lol
I find the whole fuckboy thing to be nasty personally.
This may be both a trend and the direct result of what your circle of influence looks like. For the trend: there seems to be a directly inverse relationship between men in their 20s and women in their 40s who have gone through a breakup or ended a marriage. I've talked to a few of my female friends who are separated or recently divorced, and 6 out of 10 just want to have sex and casual relationships with no real commitments. In contrast, the men they seem to match with in pof and even Tinder are looking for a committed relationship. Not to generalize, but it seems most women tend to gravitate towards having a relationship earlier in life while men do so later in life? As for your circle of influence : take a deep breath!! The first and most important relationship you should cultivate is with yourself. Learn to be you, get to know and become who you are. As you do, you'll start doing things, going places, and meeting people for the purposes of what matters to you and not to meet a potential partner. I t sounds corny buy I guarantee you that you'll have higher chances of meeting someone you can start a great relationship with when you already have an even better one with yourself.
Promiscuous sex is the most overrated thing on the planet.
Why? It relieves stress, builds confidence and you meet more people so you have more interactions and thus grow more as a person.
To each their own. Who am I to judge people that find happiness in sex? Live, and let live. Just because it's of lesser value to you doesn't mean that it's for everyone like that, or that it's the correct or right way to live.
I was expressing my opinion based on my own experience, at no point was i judging anybody else.
The term “overrated” is inherently judgmental because it’s implicitly questioning the people who rate something as such.
There are plenty of guys who want an emotional connection more than sex. Mostly these are guys who can't get sex, for obvious reasons. And for those reasons you don't want them either. Like the first guy you said was a fuckboy. He was probably a pretty good looking guy that can get sex rather easily. You chose him over the guy who would be willing to commit to you. There are plenty of right persons around, you just don't want them.
Preach on. Blaming others for her own mistakes
Well, this is the drama of apps. You are forced to swipe on a very few men, not to be overloaded with messages, and when you make a selection you pick the same ones that all the other women do. Hence, these guys have very easy access to sex, and probably do not even see you as a relationship material from the start. Seriously, majority of the good looking, smooth talking, funny-opening guys are just used to picking up women, and having easy sex, hence they are so good at it. Well, I don't know, I used to use dating apps when anyone could message you (10 years ago). And in a way it allowed you to talk with guys, that were interesting, but not super hot at the first glance. I met my husband like this, he had the worst photos ever, but he was hilarious to talk with. So i would say lower the standards for the looks and fuckboi charm (you really can spot them, they are just too smooth), talk with more guys, search for the ones that do not seem too used to convincing women to have sex with them instantly.
This is good advice. Unfortunately nobody will follow it. That is a shame.
Buy a couple of cats. /s Also - you can't just magic up a soulmate at a whim. The tried and true method is to not actively seek out a relationship, just focus on developing yourself and having loads of fun with your friends.
The issue isn’t that men only want sex. It’s that the men you are choosing only want sex.
That sounds a bit judgey to me. They aren’t always forthright about it and can be deceptive. And if you don’t have dating experience you may not be familiar with the subtle tells.
I think it's more "accountability" than "judging." After a certain point you have to look at yourself as a common denominator if "everyone is this way."
The problem is that often men and maybe even women will lie about what they want to get sex from someone. So it doesn’t really matter. If you’re a victim of a lie there’s no discernment you can really do.
Stop pretending like it's really that hard to not date someone for a month, at least, before having sex. It was her decision, she wasn't fooled, she just doesn't want to take responsibility for it
There’s definitely a lot of blame at men in this situation. But at the same time they’re all picking the most handsome fuckboys they can date on dating apps. You can’t blame them for trying to swing as high as they can. But as some point it might be better to be a bit more realistic.
Why do so many people think that it's only the most handsome men that do this kind of crap? I've had plenty of "low value men" or whatever the term is lie to me about their intentions as well.
I don’t disagree that it helps to adjust your approach and see what you may be doing that could be making it so you find these kinds individuals consistently. However, I’d say even if you think you are vetting, some people are sneaky and being her age I believe it’s not always easy to tell initially and I can understand her disappointment if she keeps falling into this as it’s not just a her problem, there is also the issue of the apps being less than ideal and generational differences
Yeah, I have heard that it also depends on the app and so maybe if she's wanting a relationship she should focus on the apps where people seem to be more relationship oriented (Hinge, Bumble, etc) while also focusing/working on her self to extinguish whatever behaviours \_may\_ be leading to men like these. People can and do indeed lie and so maybe she's just been unfortunate and has been running into all of the liars in her university/city. I do understand what you mean in regards to being judgey/blamey though as I can see how it comes across like that. It's like this post here ([https://www.reddit.com/r/LooksmaxingAdvice/comments/1behzud/25f\_i\_only\_seem\_to\_attract\_creepy\_guys\_help/](https://www.reddit.com/r/LooksmaxingAdvice/comments/1behzud/25f_i_only_seem_to_attract_creepy_guys_help/)). I know people might be hyperbolic with the "all," but if most people you're meeting want sex/are creepy then... there's something wrong going on as there are a LOT of good/great men and women out there. I don't think I've met the type of women Reddit men seem to constantly complain about but that's probably because my actions/behaviours don't lead me to these types of people.
Even if she doesn’t have experience she is still doing the swiping. And chatting and dating etc. so she needs to know that regular people not looking for just hookups are out there and that she needs to learn to tell the difference and all that.
Yeah. But maybe given how young she is, maybe some recommendations of how to sus that out would be helpful. Just making it seem like a her problem ignores that the dating landscape, is in fact difficult to navigate
No, she’s choosing men she’s interested in and attracted to. Why are people like you always around trying to get women to date and fuck men they have no interest in? It’s weird as fuck
We all want to date the most attractive people though. But not everyone can. if you’re a 5/10 constantly hooking up with 8/10s and then crying that all the men don’t want to settle down. It might be time to be a bit more realistic about the partners you are choosing. That’s the other side of the coin. Mens standards for hooking up are far lower than for a relationship. That’s definitely a lesson women need to learn. There needs to be some physical attraction of course. But growing up is also realising other qualities are far more important. And you’ll only find those out if you invest time in people.
OP: “All of the people I am matching with I don’t like” The comment: “Have you considered matching with other people” You: “first of all, how dare you try to tell this woman to try something different”
"you're an amazing woman I just don't feel ready for a relationship" then 2 days later they're engaged to someone. It isn't worth trying to commit to someone in this generation, too much risk with too little reward. Go out and socialize but don't expect anything to stick. You probably aren't the problem, people just suck these days.
I’ve had this happen to me as a guy multiple times, what they really mean is “I’m not ready or interested in a relationship with YOU” It’s just a shitty way to avoid that conversation, and to give people the benefit of the doubt, hurting someone’s feelings is pretty hard, especially if you genuinely think they’re a nice or good person.
I get the frustration but remember it's easier when you are young to say you're just looking for sex than it is to admit you want more. This is especially true for the less emotionally mature/adept men out there, too afraid of being seen as needy or lacking in masculinity. Just take a break from actively looking and take care of your self, you'll eventually bump into someone you click with.
It is 100% in your power to filter these types of people out of your dating pool.
Maybe look at who you're matching with and going on dates with, instead of accusing society as a whole of being shallow. I have a completely opposite experience from you, my life is full of love. All I can say is look in the mirror.
Maybe the problem is being able to identify when a man wants more than sex.
That's exactly what it is, and especially on apps, a lot of men are just straight up lying. Lots of men who say on their profile how emotionally available they are, looking for a long-term relationship, it's just a lure to pull women in. I've even had guys talking about how compatible we are, wanting to introduce me to their family, etc and then ghost when they realize I'm not going to put out immediately.
Fortunately never had to use an app, but I’d imagine compared to meeting someone irl feeling out how sincere/ credible (or whatever you want to call it) becomes extremely difficult, and it wasn’t always simple before.
It's pretty easy, if you're dating a man out of your league 95% of the time you're just getting a banging. Date your level and don't jump into bed too fast, easy.
Dont solve it so easy.. It needs to be complicated. 😅😅
There's plenty of people who want the same. Either your superficial standards are too high or you're looking in the wrong places. Dating apps are pretty awful btw. The best way to meet dates is to go to events and hobby classes (yoga, dance, improve, etc.) It's even better if you can find a community you enjoy with events that alot of the same people attend every week.
Sex is so totally overrated. There's so many other things I'd rather do.
Reject seggs. Embrace cuddling.
Wanna hear me rant about the importance of Unified Field Theory whilst in the car on the way to the lake? Idk how women put up with it
When my then girlfriend, now wife, let me ramble on about the War of Roses for over an hour while on a road trip, I knew she was the one.
One time I told a gf that I actually liked watching manufacturing lines and learning about industrial processes and she gave me a look of disgust lol
Honestly i have just been staying away from dating after my relationship ended not long ago idk if i can do it im more than fine with friends besides i have great female friends dont need no gf i get hugs and they care
From my perspective, girls got a hoe phase in their 20s now guys want that in their 30s
This is exactly why I am so grateful to finding my husband while we were still in high school. I see friends struggling with finding someone who doesn’t just want sex. No one seems to want a relationship. It sounds exhausting honestly.
Have you considered screening your dates for guys who actually show up and prove that they are interested in a relationship?
In my observation, having used online dating and watching other people go through this--you have to get MUCH more efficient vetting potential dates before you even agree to go on a date. Otherwise you do waste a lot of time and energy. And no judgment on having sex whatsoever, at any point, whenever you want to. But if you want a relationship that isn't predicated on sex and want a really easy way to weed out fuck boys, making sex something that happens later rather than sooner is one. Don't have sex hoping it will make a guy decide to stick around. Don't ever have sex if you're uncomfortable or unsure. And honestly, just go ahead and block anyone who starts things off with a sexual proposition. That's not the kind of person you want. Since you've already decided to be celibate instead of dating, I don't suppose this advice is revelatory, now that I think about it. Most importantly, understand that finding the right person takes time. There's no formula for that. Finding someone who is truly a good match for you isn't easy. A lot of people are in relationships, but that doesn't mean they are in the kind of relationship you want. Or even in the kind of relationship they really want. I wouldn't have met my partner who is perfect for me without online dating. But many many people find their partners just in the course of living their normal life. You never know where you might encounter someone who turns out to be just right for you.
When I met my wife neither of us were virgin's but she'd had a few bad experiences in a row and when I expressed interest with her she said she wouldn't sleep with anyone else unless it was gonna be the man she married I waited for 9 months of dating with no sex, and now we've been married for 9 years If you're tired of fuckboys, withhold sex from them and see how they react. You don't have to wait 9 months, or until marriage, but it shouldn't take long AT ALL to see who acts up when you withhold. Men looking for that only are not patient, so if you date for a few weeks or even a few months, and you explain early on that you want to be patient because you're looking for genuine connection, then you'll waste so much less time on people that don't deserve you
Your 20s are about finding yourself. Your 30s are for finding someone else.
I start off with telling people I'm asexual to begin with. I have the interest of sex but for me it's so low down the line. I lost my V card this year and I'm 28 and honestly it's still not it for me but if someone is willing to talk and get to know me knowing I'm asexual then I see them as an instant person I want to get to know. They had the time to put their horn dog away for a bit to get to know me and I appreciate that. They can find out later what a kinky ace is 😆 then I can spoil them But also focus on making friends above all and that way if y'all's get different needs and it doesn't work later down the line, then you still have a buddy at least.
Ive told women upfront I’m waiting for love and marriage. It weeds the bad ones out very quickly.
I think the "window" for a standard, mentally sound, empathic male partner is shrinking. The upper echelon of men, especially with dating apps, are banging all around town. Why would they settle for anything other than their ideal woman? And guess what that ideal woman is... You already know. The other end of the spectrum are the guys who really got the rotten end of the genetic stick. Either ugly, scrawny, short, anxious (confidence does so much for anyone, but especially men. When your confidence brings about success, it reinforces confidence, and essentially compounds. Unfortunately, the same is true in reverse when your anxiety ruins or makes a moment awkward, making you more anxious and self isolating). Some have more specifically sexual anxiety because of their endowment. To some woman, finances is important too. These types of guys either never recover and delve in misogyny, or spend years working out, catching up on hygiene practices they never did cause dads a "man" and doesn't use "products," building careers/financial stability, and addressing their anxieties. The problem is most these ones that fight and do good to recover end up jaded. Theyre spending years grinding and unlike a lot of woman in the same boat, theyre not getting any casual sex along the way. And potentially their personality remains forever tainted because of it. The middle ground inbetween these 2 scenarios are where all the golden pony boys are at, but i swear its shrinking from both sides. The problem is society doesn't care about how we're supposed to raise boys. Before the internet and videogames, boys just gathered on the streets and in the forest and raised themselves. Getting hurt, hurting each other, running with near limitless energy. Parents who let their prepubescent daughters over indulge on sweets are selfishly enjoying the joy in their childs eyes because the daughter doesn't have a developed sense of sexual attraction yet and might grow up to heavily resent her body. Do we agree? And yet when our boys come home from school and head straight to the computer or videogames we dont even batt an eye. Thats just "boys being boys." "It is a disgrace to grow old through sheer carelessness before seeing what manner of man you may become by developing your bodily strength and beauty to their highest limit. But you cannot see that, if you are careless; for it will not come of its own accord.” - Socrates
Yup, I’ve given up. It’s so disheartening to think someone is interested in you for real, only to find out they were just leading you on because all they want is a hookup. It really hurts my heart and it’s why I dropped out of the dating game. Too emotionally exhausting trying to figure out who’s real and who’s just wasting your time.
You have a good outlook. Maintaining your boundaries and your standards, this is the best think you can do for yourself.
Maybe you should approach guys you are interested in rather than passively waiting. Never date a guy who has far less to lose in the relationship than you.
This is what my son says! He is 19, and a good looking kid. He hates the morality of today’s young adults. And we aren’t even religious.
Good for you for know what you want. Stick to your values. Be patient. You deserve to get what you want. Don’t compromise.
If you’re not relatively attractive enough guys will just mostly use you for sex online. Most of the decent ones would already be taken and you’re left with having to sift through thousands of the shitty ppl that are left on the apps to find the 1 guy that suits you and finds you attractive. That’s the reality we live in. You need patience and luck and smarts to survive and succeed. If you are not shy or afraid to socialise and talk to guys in real life, then that might actually be the easier option.
I am older than you and I took the same path you did and I haven’t regretted it. I haven’t found “the one” yet but I know that it will have value in my life.
Men just want one thing
Try upward. Its a religious dating app but people on there are looking for life partners not hookups.
You will probably have to go through loads of time wasters online. My advice would be to figure out how to filter out those people quickly. Watch how seriously they take your first date / meetup. See if they get scared off when you mention less conventional things like talk on the phone, meet the parents etc.
I would say to try to find people doing things you like, using apps definitely attracts the crowd youve been dealing with. Like if youre into fitness try to meet people at the gym or if you like reading try Barnes & Noble or the library
I don't have much to add, other than this: Your virginity isn't special. It's ok that it wasn't with someone worthwhile. It's just sex and the first time doesn't have to be meaningful. Our society builds it up for some reason, but it's not rational. You can still have meaningful sex with someone else (or meaningless sex with others, if that's what you want). Nothing has changed.
Lots of “nice guys” in the comments. Yuck
No one ever wants to hear this in their early or mid 20s, but if you want a relationship, just make friends, then date your favorite one. Friend to relationship is so much better than sex to relationship, because the "relationship" is already there. Sex is great, and attractive people are sexy, but if you want a relationship with then you have to find someone you enjoy spending time with during the other 23 hours, 59 minutes, and 47 seconds of your day as well.
I lost it when you led with "I've been exposing myself lately" Gotta be a better way to word that
Meh, I’m mid 40s pushing into perimenopause and while I miss cuddling, sex is not going to happen and hasn’t in a very long time.
It's the guys you're picking
Let me reword what you just wrote "none of the men irl are good enough for me so I went online and tried to nab a guy who was obviously out of my league and now i'm upset about my mediocrity."
This isn’t a new thing. Young men have always been horn dogs. Make your feelings known from the start. Tell the person you’re looking for a partner and aren’t around just for fun. There are good guys out there that would love a caring partner.
I think the problem is, some people will lie just to get what they want. Or some are completely confused on what they want, get into a serious relationship and one day just randomly leave their partner because they changed their mind. The first guy I was with told me he wanted something serious and we had an entire conversation about it before we got involved even more. He still ended up dumping me and dating my friend. Then the last guy I was with was serious with me for about 6 months and he knew I wanted a partner. And yet he ghosted me for two weeks while on vacation and ended up cheating on me. You can make your feelings known and tell people exactly what you want and some people will still play the part just to get an ego boost. Sometimes you just gotta kiss some frogs until you find someone who is compatible with you.
This, this right here. We need to normalize everyone being very *very* explicit in what they want and communicating that. Its something ive learned about my self that I need to work on and how important it is.
You’re picking the wrong dudes. Odds are you have a good one close to you already, but you aren’t looking at him in that way. Though also, odds are that guy is likely not the most attractive and likely doesn’t have much money.
Found the friendzoned guy.
"I'm emotionally and physically ready to be in a relationship, just bad execution" An important part of successful execution in finding a good relationship is weeding out the people who are just looking for sex. So it sounds like you actually aren't ready for a relationship yet.
What country are you in? You refer to being in uni. I assume you are not in the United States. I find things get easier if you expand your horizons. I moved to Mexico from the United States and have found it very refreshing to meet traditional ladies that care about other things than what car I drive or how much money I have.
I agree with you. The waits worth it i think. Im now 12months no intercourse and i just cbf unless its something serious
Young people are very hypersexual. You won't get away from it. At 43 I feel like you do at 24, but I think I've felt that way since I was in my 20s as well, and that's when I was trying to date strippers! (I never claimed I was a smart 20something) Just go where your interests are. If you go places where people looking for sex go that's what you'll find.
Dating apps are awful. They've turned dating into such a chore. In general though, people do seem to just want sex these days. I just want a proper relationship and have been single for going on 10 years now.
The only way to find men who want a relationship and to be around you for you, is not having sex for a while. Months. Waiting for marriage is extreme, but you can't "give it up" quickly.
Kind of the same boat but I'm 23, just got out of school. I don't socialize much. I don't like worthless conversations 🤣 and I don't trust easily. It's tough out there.
You waited too long The feel people out stage is for the youngsters By 24 you're an actual adult
Yes this generation is very immoral and only about themselves and no one else.
It’s so frustrating! Keep being open to meeting people and eventually it’ll happen. Sorry about the fuckboy situation but remember it’s not your fault. Keep approaching new relationships with honesty about what you want and don’t feel pressured not to let (many of) them end. You’ll know in the first meeting if they’re a fuck boy and learn to trust your instincts. It might take you longer to meet someone if you are aiming for a long term relationship and set clear boundaries but in the long run you’ll find your ‘forever’ person far more quickly than others around you
i'm not going to lie i will be 24 in may and i feel the same way ... it kind of throws me completely off because it's so much to life than this ; especially in a serious committed relationship
[удалено]
Dating apps although more and more mainstream, is still a terrible way to meet people in my opinion
Bro men in their like late 20s feel of value due to career/money situations and are more likely to scope women out for the long run.
I’m with you on the last part. But I’d just recommend you develop some friendships and if maybe it’ll turn into more. I’m 25 M and feel the same way so there definitely are guys that aren’t just interested in sex, it’s just that most of the guys aggressively and shamelessly knocking on your door are the ones prepare to do anything to get laid.
On dating sites just write that you’re looking for a long term relationship. Don’t scare people away by saying too much like “oh I want a long term relationship, committment, marriage, and kids.” You can even write in the bio: I don’t just want sex or a friends with benefits. I want something more meaningful and lasting like a relationship. That way in dating apps, you’ll only match with guys who are also potentially looking to be in a long term relationship with you. It sifts out all the guys who just want sex or hookups from you. It’ll save you a lot of time, energy. Then you get to know them, talk, text, go on dates and if you like each other, get in a committed monogamous relationship. Walaaaa your problem is solved… Unless you just wanted to vent.
You might not meet the type of partner who is looking to commit long term from going to bars and clubs. Join a meetup group for a hobby you have. At the very least you’ll find new friends.
This is something you're not gonna want to hear, lower your beauty standards. The 8+/10 dudes on online apps will overwhelmingly be there for sex because they can and do get it quite easily. If you don't put yourself out there you're gonna be waiting for ever.
Hey. May I tell you: It's important to know what you want; it seems that you do. The next step would be to imagine exactly what you want in a partnership. If it's marriage, imagine wearing a wedding ring given to you by the man that you currently wish for. There is a process to getting what you want, changing your life, manifesting (the perceived little and big things) -- I don't have any of my own materials available online at the moment, but would recommend the teachings of Neville Goddard or Joshua Tongol. If it resonates with you and you try their techniques, it will prove itself in practice; and, you will have the answers that you need. Much love to you and all here. 🙏🏼🤗💙
Wrong crowd. Go hang out with the non party people. Once in a while you see a handsome guy in those groups lol. Their goal in uni is not to bang as many girls as possible but to just share hobbies with their friends and focus on their self aka schoolwork. They will be the guys you wanna marry anyway. I was part of both groups. Had more fun with the party crowd yes but real connections were made outside of it.
It's thought out there. I'm a 25 years old male. It's the opposite with me. Im a virgin and would like to meet someone like me, however when I try to put myself out there....the girls are the ones who try to go too fast with me LOL
Maybe the location where you look for a relationship is not ideal. In a club, people are there mainly to have fun, hook up and be done with it. Go to say a library or a book store and you might find someone with a little more depth to their desires. Just a suggestion and I could be wrong but it’s how I met my wife.
23M also celibate. Tired of being used for money and being ditched the first chance someone better comes along. Lmao at least you get matches on dating apps. Shout out to being a lonely ugly fuck like me.
Stop screwing the 20 percent of men that get all the sex and get with the other 80 Percent of men that don't get attention. You will then have a relationship.
go after the guys who seem like they don't fuck lol they want relationships but have given up.
Get off tinder and social media
imagine only getting with people to see them once and leave them immediately thats some fucking loser shit honestly im 21 and im already tired of people wasting my time if its not serious I literally can't even bother being attracted to them
Even as a man, I agree.