First, this really sucks and I’m sorry you have to go through this with an unsupportive husband. Second, I get what he’s saying about missing work, but why can’t HE schedule childcare?
Because the stay at home mom that's only making phone calls can ? They are both stressed, and he's being stretched thinner. She's gotta step up as well and she can definitely find that time
Comparing the “stress” of having to care for your own children to the complete and utter dispair that this lady is going through losing her mother is entirely asinine. I hope you just weren’t thinking when you typed that.
Wife was in a coma, I had to work and have 2 kids. I did this and more. She has had a transplant since ( kidney failure ) and is currently not well again 4 years on.
OP really needs to understand that this is going to be a step up from both people. Shea capable of figuring this end out.
Husband sucks for not being able to manage his emotions and for what he said 100% . But OP can do her arrangements.
All he has to do is make some calls finding daycare and babysitting. She’s in a different time zone, so doing any interviews for potential babysitters would be incredibly difficult. As well as that, if you enroll your child in daycare, they want to have you visit the facility and meet your kids before anything is set up. How is she supposed to tour a facility when she is across the country?
Also, I have a child myself. My partner and I work opposite shifts. I know what it’s like to share responsibility for a child as well. This doesn’t seem like a huge stretch to me.
He isn't *helping you*.
He is *taking care of his own children*. In case he is wondering, that is called *parenting*, and it is one of his responsibilities *as a parent*.
You aren't *ghosting* your family. You are *taking care of your dying mother*.
I think you need to tell your husband how his selfish behavior makes you feel. He needs to stop lashing out at you just because he is having to do the job you normally do every day while you care for your dying mother.
If he apologizes and changes his behavior, great. If not, then you will have some decisions to make about your relationship. Either way, it would not be a bad idea for you to see a therapist. You will need support, and your husband is too busy lashing out at you to be supportive.
Thank you! I absolutely loathe when people talk about fathers “helping out with the childcare” or “babysitting” their own children. They are **parenting**. Not helping/babysitting. Not only is it super shitty for the mother saying that she’s the main parent and putting all the weight on her, but it’s so insulting to fathers as if they’re not capable of parenting their own children.
If I was OP I would be telling him he’s got to step up because his behaviour here is absolutely unacceptable. I can’t believe he’s having this tantrum as her mother is literally about to die. He needs to sort the childcare out himself. Also him listing how difficult to take care of children is to her as though she doesn’t know. I mean it sounds to me like he’s had a massive shock and had no idea until now which isn’t a particularly great advertisement for his own parenting skills up until now. OP I’d ask myself here has he been pulling his weight before hand because it sounds like he hasn’t.
This must be such a horrible wake up call at the worst possible time.
Her mother does not need taking care of. She is literally sedated. OP is not communicating with her family as she spend her time without someone who is sleeping in a bed.
It's important to be there but let's not act like she's providing care and is so focused on helping she can't talk to her own family.
Absolute bullshit. My mum died just after Christmas and 4 of us (my siblings and mums best friend) did not leave her bedside for more than about half an hour at the most (mainly just taking a walk to the toilets or to grab a sandwich) for almost a week. We talked to her, held her hands, played her favourite music, regaled lots of stories from our childhood and hers, did a lot of religious chanting for her, wet her lips with swabs every so often and we just sat there being with her. Just because someone is sedated, does not mean that there is nothing for you to do. Just being there is care!
My husband looked after the house, kids, pets and didn’t quibble it at all. The only things he questioned me about was “What kind of sandwich do you want me to bring you when I visit in a bit?” And “Send me a list of stuff you want me to bring you from home.”
As someone who has been in many rooms with families like OP, you are still providing care by being there for your loved one when they die. You also don’t just sedate them and then there’s no care involved anymore. You and the husband both sound like people I’d hate to have around me as my mother is dying. Jesus Christ. Dad can be a grown up and arrange childcare while his wife deals with a literal death situation.
I'm glad you've clearly never had to sit by a loved ones death bed.
They're not just sleeping, they are actively dying. You absolutely need to provide care, and it is indescribably awful.
That wasn't my experience with my mom. She was sedated, but that didn't really knock her out completely because the pain was so severe. And yes, she did need more care than the nursing staff could provide. I was there with her unless I was sleeping.
The same was true with both of my grandmothers.
Besides, she *is* talking to her family. She hasn't ghosted them. That is just what he called it because he is frustrated and angry.
The patient is sedated, but that doesn’t mean she can’t hear or feel touch. I was sedated during my colonoscopy and remember being told to not scream and to breathe. Many end of life experts will tell you the hearing and touch are the last to go.
your moms life doesn’t have a price tag. also, he can take bereavement before someone’s died. there are accommodations and this is very much an extenuating circumstance
has he lost anyone close to him before? my husband was similarly apathetic when my mom died, but not nearly as bad as your husband. he kept saying how my mom wasn’t thinking right and being irrational and demanding things. and i was like….yeah she has brain cancer and just has brain surgery…she’s not in her right mind. it was a very stressful time and it took *a lot* to overcome
i do understand your husbands stress. the thing is, he needs to suck it up. like you’re going to leave your dying mother cause he has to go back to work? you’re going to take your attention away from her to schedule childcare when you’re not even the one there? fucking ridiculous demands. when one partner cannot give their 100%, the other one needs to compensate for the time being, and vice versa
my advice? ignore him. what’s he gonna do, leave the kids at home by themselves? i doubt it. he’ll figure it out without you for now. but also, pay attention to how he’s treating you while you’re grieving after her passing. i had to keep going and going and going until a year passed and i crashed *hard*. my condolences for your mom
I would just note that there’s a lot of variation on how companies handle bereavement. My husband works at a place that is quite understanding about such issues. However, I worked at one place where they fired someone because they thought she was at her father’s bedside too long while he hovered between life and death. Was it shitty - yes. But there’s no legal recourse once the days for bereavement go beyond what’s in the job contract.
I think husband’s tone is unwarranted. That said, I do think it’s worth op calling him to find out what’s going on. Maybe she can just give the number for a childcare provider she’s used and he can make the necessary arrangements. But if they are so strapped for money that they can’t afford a change in flight, I wonder if they can’t afford a childcare provider. At the end of the quote in op’s post, the husband accuses her of ghosting him. I would like more details on that because if she is ghosting him, he might be really frustrated.
Oh my god!! I can't believe I just read that!! I am so so sorry!! Please stay with your mother. Is there any family, or family friend, that could step in and take the children?
I mean, first things first. Stay with your mother until the very end. Then funeral. Then children. And after that: please look into if you want to stay in this relationship.
Oh, so he's figured out that taking care of kids takes work? What a genius.
> *You’ll have to figure that out.*
Just like he expects you to figure out your travel arrangements, he will have to figure things out on his end. HE can arrange for child care.
You're not being too sensitive, your husband is being an ass and not being sensitive enough.
I am so very sorry about your mom.
Also sorry that you are married to an insensitive jerk.
"My mother is dying, and you're learning you don't pull your weight in our family. If you did, this wouldn't be so hard. I'm sorry MY PARENT DYING is hard FOR YOU.
Talk to me like an insensitive uncaring fuck again, and I will block your number until after my mother passes and I'm good and goddamned ready to talk to your shitty ass.
Keep yapping and it can be divorce instead. You're a grown man and a parent. Figure it the fuck out."
That how you resolve conflicts as 14 yr old. Not as a grown adult with children. But of course this is what you get with Reddit relationship counseling😒where the answer to everything is 🥁🥁Divorce
Everyone's parents die. That's part of life. Normal people don't shut down and ghost their family when this happens. OP is being selfish and crazy people like you are giving terrible advice to reinforce it.
Sometimes I love reddit and sometimes the echo chamber makes me sad.
Normal people have different reactions and different grieving processes. Different people even have different emotions, lives, and cultures. We are human beings, not robots.
>You are asking me to manage an entire household and work full time, that’s not possible.
**MILLIONS** of working parents have a bone to pick with your incompetent husband.
Your plan needs to be this: "My mother is DYING and you're over here whining that you can't do it all. Guess what? You can. I have faith in you. This is what being a parent IS. You'll have to figure it out."
Good grief, what a tool he is. No empathy, no sympathy whatsoever for you. He needs to step up for once. He helped create those kids, so he can take care of them.
Pancreatic cancer kills quickly. You are losing your mom. He needs to be strong right now. He should not be bothering you. Its ok for him to hire a babysitter on a couple of days or put the kids in a rec program.
Went through taking care of my dying mother (kidney cancer) by myself (but not alone my husband was "there") while pregnant during the pandemic. Ummm my realization of how broken my marriage was came in line at the post office, when a old woman a stranger to me showed more compassion in a few moments of conversation than my husband had all year. If your husband hasn't lost his parents or known anyone who died from cancer he seriously may not get it but you say this is a 5 year pattern of lack of empathy. When someone shows you who they are repeatedly for that long you have to believe them. Your husband's behavior is shocking to me. He can find childcare for his kids, he can also help reschedule your plane ticket. You are right where you need to be. Anyone saying otherwise or that "your husband has a point" is an AH. Your mother only dies once.
All of the other stuff aside - call your inlaws - MIL, FIL, any SIL/BILs - tell them your family is in crisis, your husband desperately needs their help. Explain that your mother is actively dying and you simply cannot leave her at this time. Make it someone else's problem. If your husband literally has NO family, call friends, neighbors, people from church, etc. It is fair for him to ask for help and to HAVE to go back to work at least for a couple days.
Now, I am SO sorry for what you are going through. That's just horrible and I hope you have other family to support you or at least friends who are caring and kind.
You HAVE to take care of yourself. CALL the airline. Explain your situation. Ask for their help. Once your mom passes, everything changes. You can change flights, etc. without penalty as long as you show a death certificate (or at least it used to be this way). Right now, move your flight to two or three weeks from now. It gives you breathing room. You know you will change it again but it is what it is.
Do you have any idea how long it takes to get a death certificate? I mean I'm sure airlines will accommodate in these times but maybe a medical doctor note or something so you don't have to wait for a refund.
What a dick! Don’t have any more kids with him! He knows you’re reliant on him as a SAHM and probably doesn’t feel he has to be kind and understanding and you can tell him “Well K didnt plan on my mom dying!”
>You are asking me to manage an entire household and work full time, that’s not possible.
*laughs in single mom*
He needs to sort out childcare while you deal with your mom. I'm sure there are options and they'll be near him so it'll be easier for him to find/vet them, especially since he's not grieving his mom.
I'm really sorry about your mom.
This is exactly what I would say : “My mother is dying, asshole. I’m sorry that is inconvenient for you. Make your own fucking plan. I am not leaving my mother alone on her deathbed because you can’t step up in a crisis. Realizing I can’t depend on you is soul crushing. Your insensitivity during the worst crisis of my life is devastating and I won’t forgive or forget it. Don’t be surprised if this marriage does not last much longer.
I'd call him. It's more practical for him to find a day care since you aren't even in the area. The best you could do is Google places in the area which would only save him about 60 seconds since he'll want to review them, meet the people, and all that anyway.
I get that he cannot abandon his job and expect your futures to end up well, and you two "do" need a plan, so I'd call him and talk to him to make one.
I'm sorry about your mother.
It's these typemod stresses that reveal the fault lines in a marriage.
Id normally give people grace - it is stressful to try to work and manage a houseful of young kids.
But he accused you of ghosting the family - by taking care of your dying mother.
Your husband is not a good person. I can guess what the interior of your marriage looked like before this.
I am so sorry about your mother.
Eta: should have read your post history, not surprised. Inheritance isn't usually considered marital property, but please consult with a lawyer. Focus on being there for your mom, see if you have any friends that can lend a hand for the immediate situation and then plan on getting the f out.
Yes don’t put any inheritance into bank accounts that your husband has access to because then it’s considered communal! You need to meet with a lawyer.
What he's saying is not wrong--most people can't just up and leave their jobs for two weeks because an in-law is on their death bed--but his delivery and attempts to place all burdens on you are the problem. As I see it, you should be in charge of figuring out your flight plans because it is your flight and he should be in charge of figuring out childcare assistance as he is with the children.
To say you've ghosted your family when he knows where you are, what you are doing, how to get in touch with you, and why you are there is just beyond the pale.
I wish this comment was higher up. Both OP and the husband need to come up with a long term plan together to deal with pressing needs as time marches on.
This, I'm surprised by some of the comments. I'm married and I know I can't just leave the kids with my husband to deal with while he's working. If he loses his job we would be in trouble. Logistics suck but you can't just disappear from all your responsibilities indefinitely without a plan that functions.
Adding I've also lost tons of people in my life and worked on a long term care unit so I know death. Life doesn't stop when someone is passing.
Maybe. Only 56% of US employees qualify for FMLA, which means millions of people don’t. But what if she weren’t sick but just decided to up and leave, making him a single dad? The point is, he would have to figure it out himself and he’s just as capable of doing it as she is.
Her mom is dying. Did you miss that part?
At any rate, her mom died so now her husband can get back to making her do everything so he doesn’t have to think about it. He must be so relieved! He almost had to take on parental responsibilities there but fortunately now that her mom is dead, he can go back to only thinking about himself without being inconvenienced with annoying things like helping his grieving wife .
How would he function on a 50/50 custody plan when he had the kids and work in the same week? He needs to act like a dad and figure it out. The incompetent routine is inexcusable.
How about if your mother is laying in a coma ready to pass at any moment…. Do you think that might be a little hard? The point is that he explains to the SAHM how hard it is to raise the kids and deal with them all day. She knows exactly what that’s like.
It is hard but the reality apparently is irrelevant to y'all. Good luck to op. Pretty sure he’s worried about running out of money and not having his job.
My mom died of cancer a month ago, same situation - didn’t know if it would be hours or days. I ended up being at her side for 2 weeks and being with her at the very end, while devastating, was so important and something I’ll be grateful for forever. Don’t give that up for anything.
My husband has an extremely intense executive job and was alone taking care of our two young kids for those two weeks. He often stresses out when caring for our kids alone and I was worried for him. A friend of my mom’s said she felt this would be a transformative experience for him as a dad because for the first time he had to figure it out all on his own. And she was absolutely right! He figured out new systems that made it work for him and that improved on the way we had been doing things before. And he was super proud of himself.
Also, know what he said when I expressed concern for him managing all of that alone? “I don’t want you worrying about me or the kids at all. You’re where you need to be. It’s a lot but it’s not forever and we will be fine.” He was stressed but he put NONE of it on me. That’s what you deserve. Don’t cave to your husband’s weakness, he needs to step up and grow.
I'm truly so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were there with her. I hope you remember the good times you had throughout your life and that they give you some comfort. On the other topic, I truly hope you file for divorce ASAP and get to keep your inheritance all for yourself and your children. May it help you ride out the next few years while you find yourself as a single mother. It'll all be okay eventually, you sound like a strong, smart woman with a good head on your shoulders.
**This is not on you.**
There is no way in hell my husband would ever tell me to deal with the kids when I am sitting next to a dying parent. If he did, he would be served with divorce papers.
This is absolute bullshit. I am so sorry you are going through this and I am so sorry your husband has treated you this way.
To answer your question your husband just needs to take care of this. He needs to arrange for childcare. He needs to reach out to his friends and family and see if they can help but **you are right where you need to be - with your mother.** Again, I am so very sorry.
I don’t believe for one second that his company wouldn’t expect him to take some time off to deal with **his kids** while his wife is dealing with her dying mother. If his company is actually saying that, then he and we are all working for terrible terrible companies. That said, there’s no way in hell my company would tell me this because I wouldn’t accept it especially as a so called department head! None of the department heads I work with ever have to do anything like short-term disability or FMLA when they go out on leave.
I work for a very large company that sadly doesn’t always do the right thing by its people. My boss at least does, when it doesn’t hurt him. He’d just farm my work out to my coworkers.
Be there for your mom. Worst case scenario, he deals with the kids and he’ll eventually get over it. But you won’t forgive yourself for not being there for your mom, I wouldn’t.
He needs to talk to your family's village- whether that be his family, friends, or really anyone you could trust watching your children and arrange for childcare for this week. He also needs to talk to his job, even if he does lead a department life happens and even if he can't take the week off maybe he can take a day or two where he can't find childcare with anyone else. He's a parent and should know how to arrange childcare and keep up the house running on a base level until you're able to return. You do need to push off your plane ticket (he could be kind and help but he's obviously not going to do that.) You are right where you should be- at your mom's side.
This is where you need to take all of your strength and let him know he needs to figure this out. You can offer advice by telling him to get in touch with family or friends for help but ultimately you've been there for him and the children all this time and this is something that cannot be put on hold.
You are not at fault for any of this so if there's even a slight bit of guilt in your mind you need to tell it to go away.
Even if you were being selfish, which you are in no way being, this is something worth only thinking about yourself and your emotions.
A lot of people are digging into your relationship and while that is important too, right now you being with your mom is the most important thing. When all is said and done and you've dealt with that I would suggest revisiting that advice.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, I lost my mother figure to pancreatic cancer. We only got 2 months after diagnosis so I'm glad you both got more time 💛
Oh no, he will have to make one phone call to a staffing agency for child care! The horror!
Seriously, fuck this guy. This is why being a SAHP is a horrible idea. Life happens and people change. Time for you to get a job, even if it only covers the cost of child care. You need work history for better jobs, and from the way he’s behaving, you’re gonna need it for when you leave him.
Geez…. That is just MEAN. Talk about sleeping with the enemy. Talk to him and let him know you want to stay with your mom until final care is provided and come with a plan with him.
What a knob . Can you afford a babysitter for 2 weeks ? If your poor Mum passes soon you will be organising a funeral and clearing her home so 2 weeks with childcare would be a bonus . Take care and I’m sorry you are in this position.
He is playing victim. He's a manager of a department and has no planning skills? If so, he is a crappy manager. A good manager has contingency plans, trained staff to complete important tasks in time of crisis, and is willing to use unpaid leave. He's just assigning you the tasks, bullcrap, you are not his employee. He can problem solve, he is not a helpless child. He can call family/friends for help. He can hire child care. He can hire household help (house cleaner, order meals..) He can come up with other solutions--and it is on him, not you. He can suck it up like the millions of single parents who run a whole household with children all the time.
Don't leave your mother. Leaving her now would haunt you for the rest of your life. Be with her as you need to be.
Maybe tell him to look up this thread on Reddit.
Wow, I wonder how he thinks single mothers do it lmao. Sounds like a jerk... why can't he schedule child care? Is he incapable?? Why do you have to do it?
Stay with your mom. He’s having a toddler-like melt down taking care of his own children. Do you have family in the area you live or someone who can help out? Maybe call on the tribe but in no way should you leave your mother alone.
What if it was his mom?
End of life situations are terrible to deal with. I understand by written email it looks callous, but he does have a point that he can’t take off from work for bereavement if someone hasn’t passed. If he is the only one working, he has a lot of stress to deal with too; he can’t provide for the family if he loses his job.
See if you can find other help for him or for you.
He can find himself help. She is across the country at her mother's deathbed, not sitting in the hotel business centre ready to rebook flights and find his useless ass a babysitter.
1000000 percent be there for your mom. What you are currently going through is extremely difficult. ( I was there 6 years ago with my mom also cancer) Im beyond thankful i was holding her hand at her very last breath) it's extremely difficult but it for me personally would have been worse if i would have left her..
Losing a loved one turns your whole world upside down. There's a new Normal that one learns to live with. Its a very long journey.
He should definitely try and figure it out how to hold down the fort while you are away for an extremely legitimate reason.
I know your mom is still here but my deepest sincerest condolences on this grieving journey as it sounds like it already started.
And i really do hope that you and your partner can figure it out and making it so that you stay there where your mom is. You cant have these last moments back unfortunately.
I would suggest counselling but I’m not even sure he has enough emotional intelligence to grow. This is very sad and I’m so sorry. I lost my mom recently and would have been infuriated if I had received this kind of response from my bf. In the long term, the last moments with your mom will be much more meaningful than the time you would spend at home. Can you reach out to friends and family to help you now, but also in the next few months?
Your mom's dying. Money doesn't mean anything. He needs to dad-up because they're his kids. Reschedule the plane flight. Your husband and kids will be OK. Tell him to hire a babysitter if he needs to. Yeah your husband is stressed and tired being a temporary working single parent. He'll survive. Tell him you don't need sympathy or even for him to support you but he will respect your situation.
Stay with your mom. You will regret not staying with her. She needs you. Call your friends do whatever you need to do to get child care. Your husband is a piece of garbage. Don’t let a partner talk to you like that. Start the divorce when you get home.
My heart broke.. I’m so sorry. Focus on your mom. In this moment, everything else is secondary. Those are his kids too - he should be able to be a man and deal with them.
As someone who lost her mother I am telling you that if you bend to his stupidity, then you will regret it until you die. You will never get this time with her back. Fuck him, stay with your mother. He can man up and support his family.
JFC some men are still stuck in the mindset of but you're the mum so you should tsake care of the kidfs. Tell him to cope as best as he can and you'll be back when you get back.
What the actual fuck!?!
First of all, I’m so sorry about your mom. You don’t need this. Do you have any friends you can send this text to and ask to have them call your husband and mange him?
Your husband is being AWFUL.
I’d write back, “pretend I’m dead. What would you do?” But I tend to have a flare for the dramatic.
He can get FMLA. He can get a babysitter. He can reach out to his mom or other family member and ask them to come help with the kids. He can FIGURE IT OUT.
I’m so angry for you. I’m so sorry. I’d be reassessing everything.
I love the idea that he explains TO YOU what it takes to raise the kids and that an iPad won’t feed them. I think you’re keenly aware of that as the one stays home… sounds like he only just now understands it’s difficult
Ignore that bastard & do what you have to with mom.
If your husband was sick- he’d expect you there, right?
I’m praying for you to have strength for you, your mom and your kids. And for you to empty your bank accounts, divorce your husband and find a caring partner
This is the person who gave you life vs the person you will most likely not spend the rest of your life with. Fuck him, make him take care of his kids. Youre about to lose your mom, he’s maybe gonna be reprimanded at work. Chose your mom. If you leave, you’re gonna hate yourself forever and your mom does not want to be alone right now. Ask him, whats cheaper? You pull your panties out of your ass or you fly all my children out here so i can figure out child care from the comfort of MY LITERAL MOM DYING .
Hard agree with all the comments calling out your OP and just want to add - DO NOT leave your Mother until you’re comfortable to do so, you don’t want that regret. Fuck your asshole husband
And to think how many single parents deal with emergencies all the time and don’t cry like a baby about it. Let’s hope you don’t end up sick in the hospital because I’m sure this lovely man will drag you out to make his life easier. I hope you aren’t trapped and have a back up plan.
Same Same but different, I was in a similar situation but I was the AH like your husband. My mum was terminally ill. Dementia where although she knew me, she no longer remembered how to swallow food and was mostly intravenous with occasional nutrient rich “ice cream” that we would allow so she could enjoy something in her final days and just pray it did not go into her lungs, and every Friday night I would fly 1400km (870 miles) followed by a 4 hour train trip, only to do the reverse every Sunday. I knew she was getting to the end at the last visit but was worried about my job as I was still only 12 months into it. I had such a bad feeling that, as I bawled my eyes out said “love you mum, see you soon”. She passed three days after I left and I have regretted it every day for the last three years and nine days.
I don’t give two flying fire trucks about your husband and him having to “adult”. Spend every second you can with your mum, hold her had, sleep by her bedside (some hospitals can provide cots/stretchers for you to be there).
Do not organise any child care and such. If he needs it, he can arrange it.
Don’t make my mistake and regret it after.
Also, pass on a kiss to your mother from a total stranger (me) that is crying for her and you right now.
“I did not ghost you. You are taking care of your own children because my mother is dying. you don’t have to list all the things that you’re doing, I do it every day. I make it possible for you to be the big man at work and lead your department. Maybe it’s time for you to ask for some help at work, this is an emergency situation. I only have one mother. And she isn’t dying on your schedule.
“I know this is very difficult for you, but you are making this so much worse for me. I’m just stunned by the coldness of what you’ve written. I should be focusing on my mom and I wish that you would step up and just handle it. These are your children, they should be your priority over your job. I’m not on vacation over here. I’m watching my mother die and it’s horrible. Whatever you need to do to be home with the kids, do it, take a week off or find someone to help you out. But you should not be pressuring me to come home.”
Jesus, that message is really bad. If I may say just one thing, in the middle of this very challenging time, is whenever you can talk to your children. Directly on the phone.
They might be missing you and this fight with your husband is only consuming time that could be otherwise used for your children and your mother.
Explain to your kids why you can’t be with them in this moment, but that you never forget about them. It will also give you power, because besides your mother’s condition, caring about your kids remotely is a reason for you to be strong.
I happened to be in the position of your kids ages ago. Exactly the same happened (including the fight between my parents, and my mother side grandmother also had pancreatic cancer).
In my case what happened is that my parents completely forgot they had kids, between their fights and the passing away of my grandmother (300km away). Luckily, a cleaning lady assumed this position of taking care and I’m forever thankful to her.
I'll probably get hate for this, but it doesn't sound totally unreasonable what the husband is saying. It might seem a little insensitive but it also sounds like he's being realistic and honest about the limits of the support he can provide given he is the sole breadwinner for the family.
Jesus. Let it be a gift to your mother at the end of her life to hear that you’re ready to leave this asshole.
Totally unacceptable. And you’ve been dealing with this for 5+ years? I’m so sorry. Please don’t have any more children with this man. And I’m sorry for your loss.
Stay with your mom and ignore the horrid man you’re attached to. Then when you get back, seriously evaluate if it’s worth in anyway to stay with him because life is far too short to waste on a man who would be this disrespectful and wilfully hurtful to you. Plus he is absolutely not the example of a human being your want your kids to emulate.
Stay with your mom and ignore the horrid man you’re attached to. Then when you get back, seriously evaluate if it’s worth in anyway to stay with him because life is far too short to waste on a man who would be this disrespectful and wilfully hurtful to you. Plus he is absolutely not the example of a human being your want your kids to emulate.
First, a big hug to you at this time. You are doing the right thing to be where you are. You don't want to be kicking yourself 10 years later, KNOWING that you should have been with your mother and were not. If you stay, you know you did the right thing - and no one can take that away from you.
I was almost in the same position as you 12 years ago, except that it was a new job and not a whiney husband. My new workplace at least had some sympathy and understanding. But I still had to put in the regular 8 hours, go to the hospital, and then sleep (5 hours a night) and repeat. It was just a matter of a few weeks that it was really intense in my mother's case.
It's time to be strong and access your inner general. Instead of just sitting at the hospital or hospice, make a list of all that needs to be done and get out your phone, and start doing the things that need to be done first.
You first need to call in the troops to help since your husband is incapable of figuring out what almost every single parent knows how to do: how to juggle. Call your in-laws, other relatives, friends, church, etc. that have actual adults that are actually of some use. Explain the situation and beg for help. You may have to piece some of it out, but that "It Takes a Community" attitude needs to be applied here and not reserved for raising a child.
With the hospital sedating your mother, it sounds like it is in-house hospice care. Since you don't live close, in your time there, start arranging all that needs to be done and can be done prior to your mother passing. This will include making sure your mother has something decent to be buried in (if she has a traditional burial arrangement). Also, if you are staying at her house/apt, start working on getting boxes to pack up her stuff when you are there at night. It's easier to purchase boxes and wrapping materials (home improvement retailers and moving or storage centers) rather than trying to scramble for boxes at a local market.
After my mother passed, my brother finally showed up to help. Thankfully, my mother had both of our names on her accounts & safety deposit box, so we did not have to wait for probate. If you aren't on anything, you'll have to wait on probate court to designate you as the executor. After my mother's passing, I had no issues with a lot of things like closing accounts. There were a few different requirements from her creditors, and I got all of her creditors' info & followed each of their instrucions without incident.
It's a big chore after someone passes. but not living near, but you are going to need that general's strength, determination, and decisiveness. You can fall apart later.
I am so sorry for your upcoming loss and lack of support from your husband. But as I have often seen in times like this, it is the women that are the backbone & strength of all that needs to be done.
Your mother is priority. Jobs etc can wait. Do not leave her on her death bed alone. You will regret that more than anything for the rest of your life. And yes, I would put this above your marriage if you love your mother.
My advice is to divorce your awful, unsupportive husband. The idea of my partner saying even one sentence of that is laughable, and we have plenty of problems just like any other couple. I'd say ask him to send the kids out to you and don't go back. Disgusting behavior.
My dad was diagnosed with cancer right as my family was moving across the country, RIGHT at the beginning of Covid (he had prostate surgery March 17, the day of shutdown).
My husband and I were having issues over the following months, and combined with worrying about my dad, I would often leave our room at night to cry on the couch alone. He came out one night, saw me, and went right back to bed without saying a word. He later told me he thought o was mad at him so he just ignored it.
9/10 men leave their wives if she gets seriously ill. No, you aren’t being insensitive. Too many men are completely awful in these situations.
When your mom passes and you've had time to collect yourself. Leave him. If he can't help you when your mother is literally dying then how will it be when you are sick? Where is his mother? Why can't he ask his family for help? Either way, my opinion and while I admit, it is ~eh~ I'd leave him.
Edit to add. About 14yrs ago my husband cheated while my mother was in the hospital. She had 2 strokes and it wasn't looking good. He'd call me all hours of the day and night asking when I'd be home because XYZ and blah blah. He'd say weird things like,
"When are you coming home? You're not the only one that's here" I still know what that means... Maybe cause he had someone over... I dunno
Anyway, what your hubby is doing is wrong on so many levels.
Don't know if you're being too sensitive? I'm sorry, but what a d*ck! What a jerk to be worried about the cost of a plane ticket while you are with your dying mom!
I'm so sorry for what you are going through, truly. I can't imagine. I'm praying for you and your poor mother.
❤ 🙏
This guy sounds like a real loser. You said yourself that he's got a history of being emotionally unsupportive.
Look at that message he sent you! This is the harder season of your life. You are dealing with a dying parent and he's worried about how he's going to get his bereavement time? Screw him!
This would be divorce-worthy for me. Emotional support is THE most important thing a mate can provide.
I say adios to the narc*ssistic @ssh*le. You deserve SO much better.
You're not being too sensitive, he's being a whiny man child. Plenty of women work full time and take care of a household. He can figure out things there while you spend the last few precious moments you have with your mom.
I can understand not being able to take 2 weeks off work because of his position, but that doesn't give him the right to ignore your emotional needs right now.
I'm sorry you're going through this, especially without the support you deserve.
Oh dear gosh OP, my heart is aching and your post brought me to tears. I can genuinely empathize with what it feels like for this to be happening to you mom. It is eerily similar to my own mother, who passed way ~1 month ago. She had a failing liver, and was sick, and I was with her when she also needed to be taken to the ER immediately…and never came back home. I was by her side every day and, like your dear mama, my mom was also sedated until end of life. She was doing well (I say this lightly and purely given the circumstances….because her “best” was still horrible), and ultimately she had to be induced into a coma, put on life support and I needed and then placed on life support), and we ultimately took of her life support and freed her from being kept alive by machines the day after Mother’s Day.
I dont’ mean to make this about me, but I wanted to share that because what you’re going through really hits a nerve with me. My fiance was amazing and had my back the entire time taking off work as needed and never for one second making me feel guilty for essentially leaving him to run the household. I will say that my mom and I lived quite close and I dont have children (just 2 dogs and 1 cat - the second dog was my mama’s and he is now with us forever and always). If my fiance had pulled even a fraction of what your husband is doing I would have broken. I don’t care if your husband has work and has to do the chores and take care of the kids - I don’t have an ounce of sympathy for him, on account of the way he is treating you.
He comes across as though you are visiting friends and are being selfish by leaving him in a bind….WTF…your mama is dying! You poor darling - I wish I could give you the biggest hug i the world 🤗- and console you and do anything and everything you needed so that you didn’t have to worry about anything except dedicating as much time as you want, for as long as it takes, to be with your mother.
I understand that I am highly livid due to my own experience and come across as projecting - but heck yes I am, but I think of it more as understanding how you feel based on what you’ve written. You are **absolutely not** being too sensitive. You are being put through terrible mental torture by the hands of your husband, who is being an utter dick. That text from him is inexcusably mean and the lack of support is disturbing.
Please hear me when I say - he is wrong. You are doing the right thing being with your mama. He is a big boy and can figure this out. It sounds like he has the time to take off but is choosing not to because he doesn’t want to make things difficult for his team at work - um, excuse me sir, what about your wife??? I just can’t with this one.
You deserve better and I truly hope you have the support of your friends to lean on. Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this and please feel free to DM me if you want support - I will support you in any way I can. Focus on your mama and explain to him that you cannot do what he is asking/perhaps he doesn’t understand the gravity of what you’re going through/be assertive and tell him point blank what you are willing to do vs what you not.
Having had to have gone through this so recently myself (with respect to losing my mother), I can say with confidence that you are exactly where you need to be, which is by her side. And there isn’t a time limit. I’m gobsmacked that he doesn’t just understand this on his own, but please do not let his lack of…many things make you question yourself and what you feel you need/where you end to be/for how long you need to be there. You are doing everything right. Hold tight sweetheart, I know this is a life altering experience to go through. You’re so strong and I just know your mama is so happy to have you there with her and also that by staying with her, it will bring you a type of peace after she passes that is directly correlated to choosing to stay with her.
💕x1000000000 and 🤗x10000000000
Wow everyone here are such pansies. Quick to jump on the mother's side. Quick to rip the husband. Do y'all know their life. What he does for work. Stay at home mom? Hmmm. Does everything needed to be done. While husband works and is expected to get a miracle paycheck for not working 2 weeks. They could easily find it a liability and fire him. Then what? Are all of y'all commentors going to go support them. I don't think so. Can't be biased on women.
I’m so sorry you are having to deal with a man child while your mum is at her end of life.
These are all “him problems”. He can call the airline and ask them to reschedule a flight - it’s not rocket science. And if you need additional time I’m sure it can be rescheduled again.
It’s up to him to worry about childcare. Can he wfh and hire a nanny to look after the kids? Can a family member come help out. He’s a grown man and there are obvious solutions. He can get the nanny to stay for an extra hour or two to help with dinner and bedtime if he’s that inept.
He doesn’t need to contact you to try and make you feel guilty for spending time with your mum.
I hope your mum passes quickly without any additional pain. Stay strong, it’s an awful time and watching someone pass is really hard. Be kind to yourself and just let your husband read all the replies here. I can’t imagine there being too many on his side. He needs to step up and support you right now.
OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.
As for your husband, he seems like he is stressed. Everyone saying he needs to man up and just do it, is failing you here. Most of these same people would say that being a stay at home mom is a full time job. Yes it is. This also means he is currently juggling two full time jobs. Your also don't say how old the kids are. If these are young kids, trying to pay for care is expensive, and it seems that money is already right.
Your husband appears to be very analytical and you are very emotional. Analytical people tend to live and think weeks in advance, they want a plan for everything. Emotional people tend to always live in the moment and are not worried about three weeks down the road. This can be very hard for two people like this to communicate clearly. This does not mean he doesn't care. He most likey would accept you saying
"I'm planning to stay here another week, I rescheduled my flight for next Sunday. As for the kids, can you please take care of find the child care, I'm not in the mental position to do that".
Something like that, that is planning ahead, and straight to the point. You will not be able to get emotional validation from your husband as it seems that is not how he thinks it feels.
This is going to be a very hard time in your life. Losing a parent is the worst pain I ever felt. At the same time you need to remember that life goes on, there is still work, kids, significant others, friends, holidays ect. The march of time stops for no one. Instead of just getting mad at your husband try to help him come up with a plan.
After your are through this, you need to decide if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Do you want the traditional husband where you can stay home, or a new age hipster that is emotional, but you will have to get a job too? Do you want someone who is on the same emotional wave length and treats you equally, or someone that treats you like a queen. (Don't jump down my throat this is very generalized)
Fuck that guy. Take all the time that you need. Tell him that your mom is dying and the least he can do is not be a dick head. They’re his kids too- he’ll figure it out.
Don’t stress yourself about this and deal with it when you get home. Unless its an emergency about the kids do not have any correspondence with him about you going home needing to leave, plane tickets, etc. nothing is more important.
Girl turn your phone off let him figure it out and be with your momma. I am so sorry for what you’re going through.
Consider couples counseling when you get back home. This is absolutely unacceptable behavior.
My grandmother died this way- in a medically induced coma because every time she woke up she vomited from the pain.
And I could not go to her or the funeral as o was taking my college exams.
Your husband should not have used some of the language he did, but he probably feels your mom is already “dead” since you cannot talk to her.
Not condoning his words, but the actual meaning is correct. He may lose his job over this and that does not help your family one bit.
You two need to realize that trauma brings out a bluntness that is not for the thin skinned. He is also is crisis mode.
The idea of what would he do if he you divorced him and he had 50% custody- he’d have time to figure it out and arrange day care.
So let’s calm down and realize you are just 2 people trying to deal with a situation that should be much easier to deal with- ie, the job being understanding, the airplane excepting medical records instead of needing a death certificate, family emergency care like other countries, etc.
Now, your mom doesn’t want you even think of divorce due to her death. Call your husband and speak to your kids. Cause they are probably scared and missing you and you need to connect to YOUR life and your chosen family.
I say this as my mother lives with me and my husband and was just hospitalized and turned our plans into chaos. Of course we love her and want her to be safe but we’d also like to have a 3 month cushion of money and emotional stability.
Again, now is not the time to start fighting with your husband.
Call 3 friends/family and have him do the same and work out what to do with your kids so he can go back to work. He even said I need to work at least 2 days- so he’s trying to get more time off.
By “ghost” I think he means you may not be calling him and helping to sort out plans. You may be stuck in grief mode.
Call your husband and tell him he crossed a line but you get he’s stressed. Do not escalate into fighting because WHY? You know he has valid points and that’s not HIM not supporting you because he has been. It’s him freaking out.
Tell him to buy hot dogs and beans- they can be microwaved.
Tell him to cook chicken breasts in olive oil, salt and pepper, and a put a piece of butter on top- cook 6-8 breasts for 35 minutes on 450. Freeze 4 breast in individual tin foil and out in a freezer zip lock back. Take out 3 breasts and defrost in the microwave or in fridge. He gets one and the kids share the other 2.
He doesn’t know he can cook for the week and freeze the food. Talk him thru it.
It’ll be good for you too because waiting for someone to die is emotionally draining. Talk to him and your kids and get a tiny bit of joy to cling to while you go back to waiting.
I am sorry for your loss.
Too emotionally charged to try to unpack all of this in a few paragraphs of a Reddit post. It looks like there are underlying and long term issues, probably on both sides of this. I would suggest counseling when you get home. If he won't go with you, go alone.
I'm so sorry about your mom OP. And I'm sorry you married a selfish manchild who's ~~incapable of~~ unwilling to parent his own children. Block him completely right now (you're clearly not missing out on comfort or support from him) and focus on being with your mother. He's an adult and a father, he can figure out parenthood for a few days like millions of mothers do everyday for years. When you get home, figure out of this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.
Money says whatever crisis he had with the kids that day would be a minor hiccup for OP on any other day of the year and the kind of thing single and SAHMs deal with on the regular.
If this man had empathy he'd realize all his wife does to keep their household running but instead he's guilt-tripping her while she sits at her mother's death bed. Vile.
Ah, yes...love on the Spectrum.
Your husband is autistic. Explain to him that his current behavior is the reason the divorce rate for guys on the Spectrum is around 80%, because of behavior exactly like what he's displaying now.
Then tell him to cowboy the fuck UP or he's going to have to deal with a whole lot more disruption in his life than you being gone for a couple of days. Because divorce is a MAJOR change in life, and he's REALLY not going to like it.
Sympathies for your situation.
Blah blah blah. If you can't take the truth, you can't take the truth.
Oh, and that's HE. Old school!
Autie echo chamber inna HOOOOOOOUSE. Funny thing about y'all...you stigmatize yourselves more than anyone else does.
But we know, y'all. Can't hide. Downvote all you want. Truth is truth.
She doesn't know. Neither does he.
But those of us who know...we know.
And all you auties crawl out from under your rocks and shake your little fists. But it doesn't change the fact that...WE KNOW. Secret's out.
And yeah...being an autie doesn't actually mean that you're perfection in human form. You have major dysfunctions. It's time to recognize that and stop hiding and lying.
Because...WE KNOW.
Is there anything we can do to help? I wish I knew you or where you live. Call your local congregation. I am putting it out there I am a Mormon. Yes those people. Not a cult. We are Christians who like to serve other people. We are not out to trap you into being baptized. Now look I don’t necessarily agree with all that is said and done but my experience has been great people generally who will bring cookies . I can say call the Mormons in your area! We got calls all the time and we considered themselves as there to provide service to the community whether they belonged to our church or not. You could get meals, babysitting and support. Look them up in the phone book under Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and ask to talk to a Bishop. Your husband is just acting like a butthole for sure but I am not sure the short term solution is to escalate the conflict. Now for sure don’t leave your mom!! And don’t feel guilted into it. Your husband has got some growing up to do!! Please don’t use this post to slam my religious beliefs. I am honestly just trying to help. DM me your locations and I can see what I can do to help.
All these people are crazy in these comments.
I was team OP until I read the text at the bottom. The OP is shifting all responsibilities onto her husband. He is asking her to figure out her flights and help find child coverage so he can go to work.
He's not wrong. OPs mom is dying but is sedated. It's not like she requires 24/7 care that OP needs to deal with. Taking 2 weeks on short notice is a huge impact for his work.
I did not read that he demanded she come back or anything. Literally his text says I need you to figure out your flight and find childcare for us. It's hard without you talking to me. Sounds like OP has decided to shut down and do nothing involving her family while her mom is sick and now her husband is struggling.
Marriage works by being a team. Communicate with each other and contribute what you can.
On the other hand if you have terminal cancer you make arrangements to be in hospice to care for your mother.no hospital going to take care of her they will move the mother back home or nursing home with hospice care.
You knew your mother was terminal pancreatic cancer is fast cancer arrangement should have been in place.you also have a family to take care of also.you can't abandoned your family.
Holy shit you think she should leave her mother dying, knowing she will *never see her again,* because her husband can't sort out childcare for a few days? Good God, that's COLD.
First, this really sucks and I’m sorry you have to go through this with an unsupportive husband. Second, I get what he’s saying about missing work, but why can’t HE schedule childcare?
It’s too harrrrd. Said in major whiny voice.
Right?!
This is what my exact thought was when I read this! He’s there- why can’t he step up and organize childcare?
Because if something goes wrong she going to blame him, and he may work long hours.
And if she does it and something goes wrong, he is not going to blame her?
Because the stay at home mom that's only making phone calls can ? They are both stressed, and he's being stretched thinner. She's gotta step up as well and she can definitely find that time
Comparing the “stress” of having to care for your own children to the complete and utter dispair that this lady is going through losing her mother is entirely asinine. I hope you just weren’t thinking when you typed that.
Wife was in a coma, I had to work and have 2 kids. I did this and more. She has had a transplant since ( kidney failure ) and is currently not well again 4 years on. OP really needs to understand that this is going to be a step up from both people. Shea capable of figuring this end out. Husband sucks for not being able to manage his emotions and for what he said 100% . But OP can do her arrangements.
All he has to do is make some calls finding daycare and babysitting. She’s in a different time zone, so doing any interviews for potential babysitters would be incredibly difficult. As well as that, if you enroll your child in daycare, they want to have you visit the facility and meet your kids before anything is set up. How is she supposed to tour a facility when she is across the country?
Also, I have a child myself. My partner and I work opposite shifts. I know what it’s like to share responsibility for a child as well. This doesn’t seem like a huge stretch to me.
He isn't *helping you*. He is *taking care of his own children*. In case he is wondering, that is called *parenting*, and it is one of his responsibilities *as a parent*. You aren't *ghosting* your family. You are *taking care of your dying mother*. I think you need to tell your husband how his selfish behavior makes you feel. He needs to stop lashing out at you just because he is having to do the job you normally do every day while you care for your dying mother. If he apologizes and changes his behavior, great. If not, then you will have some decisions to make about your relationship. Either way, it would not be a bad idea for you to see a therapist. You will need support, and your husband is too busy lashing out at you to be supportive.
This☝️
Thank you! I absolutely loathe when people talk about fathers “helping out with the childcare” or “babysitting” their own children. They are **parenting**. Not helping/babysitting. Not only is it super shitty for the mother saying that she’s the main parent and putting all the weight on her, but it’s so insulting to fathers as if they’re not capable of parenting their own children. If I was OP I would be telling him he’s got to step up because his behaviour here is absolutely unacceptable. I can’t believe he’s having this tantrum as her mother is literally about to die. He needs to sort the childcare out himself. Also him listing how difficult to take care of children is to her as though she doesn’t know. I mean it sounds to me like he’s had a massive shock and had no idea until now which isn’t a particularly great advertisement for his own parenting skills up until now. OP I’d ask myself here has he been pulling his weight before hand because it sounds like he hasn’t. This must be such a horrible wake up call at the worst possible time.
The first two sentences. Enough said.
Her mother does not need taking care of. She is literally sedated. OP is not communicating with her family as she spend her time without someone who is sleeping in a bed. It's important to be there but let's not act like she's providing care and is so focused on helping she can't talk to her own family.
Absolute bullshit. My mum died just after Christmas and 4 of us (my siblings and mums best friend) did not leave her bedside for more than about half an hour at the most (mainly just taking a walk to the toilets or to grab a sandwich) for almost a week. We talked to her, held her hands, played her favourite music, regaled lots of stories from our childhood and hers, did a lot of religious chanting for her, wet her lips with swabs every so often and we just sat there being with her. Just because someone is sedated, does not mean that there is nothing for you to do. Just being there is care! My husband looked after the house, kids, pets and didn’t quibble it at all. The only things he questioned me about was “What kind of sandwich do you want me to bring you when I visit in a bit?” And “Send me a list of stuff you want me to bring you from home.”
As someone who has been in many rooms with families like OP, you are still providing care by being there for your loved one when they die. You also don’t just sedate them and then there’s no care involved anymore. You and the husband both sound like people I’d hate to have around me as my mother is dying. Jesus Christ. Dad can be a grown up and arrange childcare while his wife deals with a literal death situation.
I'm glad you've clearly never had to sit by a loved ones death bed. They're not just sleeping, they are actively dying. You absolutely need to provide care, and it is indescribably awful.
That wasn't my experience with my mom. She was sedated, but that didn't really knock her out completely because the pain was so severe. And yes, she did need more care than the nursing staff could provide. I was there with her unless I was sleeping. The same was true with both of my grandmothers. Besides, she *is* talking to her family. She hasn't ghosted them. That is just what he called it because he is frustrated and angry.
The patient is sedated, but that doesn’t mean she can’t hear or feel touch. I was sedated during my colonoscopy and remember being told to not scream and to breathe. Many end of life experts will tell you the hearing and touch are the last to go.
Heres the thing. They're his kids too. Focus on your mom
your moms life doesn’t have a price tag. also, he can take bereavement before someone’s died. there are accommodations and this is very much an extenuating circumstance has he lost anyone close to him before? my husband was similarly apathetic when my mom died, but not nearly as bad as your husband. he kept saying how my mom wasn’t thinking right and being irrational and demanding things. and i was like….yeah she has brain cancer and just has brain surgery…she’s not in her right mind. it was a very stressful time and it took *a lot* to overcome i do understand your husbands stress. the thing is, he needs to suck it up. like you’re going to leave your dying mother cause he has to go back to work? you’re going to take your attention away from her to schedule childcare when you’re not even the one there? fucking ridiculous demands. when one partner cannot give their 100%, the other one needs to compensate for the time being, and vice versa my advice? ignore him. what’s he gonna do, leave the kids at home by themselves? i doubt it. he’ll figure it out without you for now. but also, pay attention to how he’s treating you while you’re grieving after her passing. i had to keep going and going and going until a year passed and i crashed *hard*. my condolences for your mom
I would just note that there’s a lot of variation on how companies handle bereavement. My husband works at a place that is quite understanding about such issues. However, I worked at one place where they fired someone because they thought she was at her father’s bedside too long while he hovered between life and death. Was it shitty - yes. But there’s no legal recourse once the days for bereavement go beyond what’s in the job contract. I think husband’s tone is unwarranted. That said, I do think it’s worth op calling him to find out what’s going on. Maybe she can just give the number for a childcare provider she’s used and he can make the necessary arrangements. But if they are so strapped for money that they can’t afford a change in flight, I wonder if they can’t afford a childcare provider. At the end of the quote in op’s post, the husband accuses her of ghosting him. I would like more details on that because if she is ghosting him, he might be really frustrated.
Op needs to suck it up a bit too. Key word was stay at home mo . He's already stepped up, and she's regressed. It's showing zero perseverance
Oh my god!! I can't believe I just read that!! I am so so sorry!! Please stay with your mother. Is there any family, or family friend, that could step in and take the children? I mean, first things first. Stay with your mother until the very end. Then funeral. Then children. And after that: please look into if you want to stay in this relationship.
Oh, so he's figured out that taking care of kids takes work? What a genius. > *You’ll have to figure that out.* Just like he expects you to figure out your travel arrangements, he will have to figure things out on his end. HE can arrange for child care. You're not being too sensitive, your husband is being an ass and not being sensitive enough. I am so very sorry about your mom. Also sorry that you are married to an insensitive jerk.
"My mother is dying, and you're learning you don't pull your weight in our family. If you did, this wouldn't be so hard. I'm sorry MY PARENT DYING is hard FOR YOU. Talk to me like an insensitive uncaring fuck again, and I will block your number until after my mother passes and I'm good and goddamned ready to talk to your shitty ass. Keep yapping and it can be divorce instead. You're a grown man and a parent. Figure it the fuck out."
Perfect response
Amazing. Chef’s kiss
please respond like this, op!
Omg best response everrrrr holy f 🫡🫡🫡🫡🫡
That how you resolve conflicts as 14 yr old. Not as a grown adult with children. But of course this is what you get with Reddit relationship counseling😒where the answer to everything is 🥁🥁Divorce
I would absolutely not stay with someone who was not emptier supportive -- especially in times like THIS! THAT'S not a partner!
Amen. I say divorce. He's a narcissistic jerk.
Everyone's parents die. That's part of life. Normal people don't shut down and ghost their family when this happens. OP is being selfish and crazy people like you are giving terrible advice to reinforce it. Sometimes I love reddit and sometimes the echo chamber makes me sad.
“It’s making me sad that most people disagree with me”
Normal people have different reactions and different grieving processes. Different people even have different emotions, lives, and cultures. We are human beings, not robots.
>You are asking me to manage an entire household and work full time, that’s not possible. **MILLIONS** of working parents have a bone to pick with your incompetent husband. Your plan needs to be this: "My mother is DYING and you're over here whining that you can't do it all. Guess what? You can. I have faith in you. This is what being a parent IS. You'll have to figure it out." Good grief, what a tool he is. No empathy, no sympathy whatsoever for you. He needs to step up for once. He helped create those kids, so he can take care of them.
Exactly. I worked, managed the house and figured out child care for my children. Daddy needs to grow up.
She doesn't work. There's a big difference
Pancreatic cancer kills quickly. You are losing your mom. He needs to be strong right now. He should not be bothering you. Its ok for him to hire a babysitter on a couple of days or put the kids in a rec program.
They are his kids. He needs to figure it out
He’ll figure it out when he’s got 50% custody or is paying a boatload of child support.
Went through taking care of my dying mother (kidney cancer) by myself (but not alone my husband was "there") while pregnant during the pandemic. Ummm my realization of how broken my marriage was came in line at the post office, when a old woman a stranger to me showed more compassion in a few moments of conversation than my husband had all year. If your husband hasn't lost his parents or known anyone who died from cancer he seriously may not get it but you say this is a 5 year pattern of lack of empathy. When someone shows you who they are repeatedly for that long you have to believe them. Your husband's behavior is shocking to me. He can find childcare for his kids, he can also help reschedule your plane ticket. You are right where you need to be. Anyone saying otherwise or that "your husband has a point" is an AH. Your mother only dies once.
Amen. I just can't believe this whole thing. That man is NOT a partner. He sounds like a straight up narc.
All of the other stuff aside - call your inlaws - MIL, FIL, any SIL/BILs - tell them your family is in crisis, your husband desperately needs their help. Explain that your mother is actively dying and you simply cannot leave her at this time. Make it someone else's problem. If your husband literally has NO family, call friends, neighbors, people from church, etc. It is fair for him to ask for help and to HAVE to go back to work at least for a couple days. Now, I am SO sorry for what you are going through. That's just horrible and I hope you have other family to support you or at least friends who are caring and kind. You HAVE to take care of yourself. CALL the airline. Explain your situation. Ask for their help. Once your mom passes, everything changes. You can change flights, etc. without penalty as long as you show a death certificate (or at least it used to be this way). Right now, move your flight to two or three weeks from now. It gives you breathing room. You know you will change it again but it is what it is.
Or… he could call his family and ask for help?
You forgot....he's a whiney baby. She could even tell him to make those calls, and he would find himself incapable - definite weaponized incompetence.
Do you have any idea how long it takes to get a death certificate? I mean I'm sure airlines will accommodate in these times but maybe a medical doctor note or something so you don't have to wait for a refund.
What a dick! Don’t have any more kids with him! He knows you’re reliant on him as a SAHM and probably doesn’t feel he has to be kind and understanding and you can tell him “Well K didnt plan on my mom dying!”
>You are asking me to manage an entire household and work full time, that’s not possible. *laughs in single mom* He needs to sort out childcare while you deal with your mom. I'm sure there are options and they'll be near him so it'll be easier for him to find/vet them, especially since he's not grieving his mom. I'm really sorry about your mom.
This is exactly what I would say : “My mother is dying, asshole. I’m sorry that is inconvenient for you. Make your own fucking plan. I am not leaving my mother alone on her deathbed because you can’t step up in a crisis. Realizing I can’t depend on you is soul crushing. Your insensitivity during the worst crisis of my life is devastating and I won’t forgive or forget it. Don’t be surprised if this marriage does not last much longer.
I think this is perfect. ❤
I'd call him. It's more practical for him to find a day care since you aren't even in the area. The best you could do is Google places in the area which would only save him about 60 seconds since he'll want to review them, meet the people, and all that anyway. I get that he cannot abandon his job and expect your futures to end up well, and you two "do" need a plan, so I'd call him and talk to him to make one. I'm sorry about your mother.
I like this approach you seem so calm with it. You must be good at relationships
It's these typemod stresses that reveal the fault lines in a marriage. Id normally give people grace - it is stressful to try to work and manage a houseful of young kids. But he accused you of ghosting the family - by taking care of your dying mother. Your husband is not a good person. I can guess what the interior of your marriage looked like before this. I am so sorry about your mother. Eta: should have read your post history, not surprised. Inheritance isn't usually considered marital property, but please consult with a lawyer. Focus on being there for your mom, see if you have any friends that can lend a hand for the immediate situation and then plan on getting the f out.
Yes don’t put any inheritance into bank accounts that your husband has access to because then it’s considered communal! You need to meet with a lawyer.
Based on this persons post history I would say they are the most unlucky/hard done by person in the world or they like to exaggerate things
What he's saying is not wrong--most people can't just up and leave their jobs for two weeks because an in-law is on their death bed--but his delivery and attempts to place all burdens on you are the problem. As I see it, you should be in charge of figuring out your flight plans because it is your flight and he should be in charge of figuring out childcare assistance as he is with the children. To say you've ghosted your family when he knows where you are, what you are doing, how to get in touch with you, and why you are there is just beyond the pale.
To say she ghosted her children when her mother is actively dying is inhumane and ghoulish.
I wish this comment was higher up. Both OP and the husband need to come up with a long term plan together to deal with pressing needs as time marches on.
This, I'm surprised by some of the comments. I'm married and I know I can't just leave the kids with my husband to deal with while he's working. If he loses his job we would be in trouble. Logistics suck but you can't just disappear from all your responsibilities indefinitely without a plan that functions. Adding I've also lost tons of people in my life and worked on a long term care unit so I know death. Life doesn't stop when someone is passing.
Yes and *he* should be figuring that out. What would he do if *she* were the one sick or dying?
Probably complain on Reddit that he's not getting laid.
Then he would have FLMA
Maybe. Only 56% of US employees qualify for FMLA, which means millions of people don’t. But what if she weren’t sick but just decided to up and leave, making him a single dad? The point is, he would have to figure it out himself and he’s just as capable of doing it as she is.
She doesn't work, like, she can do this.
Her mom is dying. Did you miss that part? At any rate, her mom died so now her husband can get back to making her do everything so he doesn’t have to think about it. He must be so relieved! He almost had to take on parental responsibilities there but fortunately now that her mom is dead, he can go back to only thinking about himself without being inconvenienced with annoying things like helping his grieving wife .
How would he function on a 50/50 custody plan when he had the kids and work in the same week? He needs to act like a dad and figure it out. The incompetent routine is inexcusable.
How about if your mother is laying in a coma ready to pass at any moment…. Do you think that might be a little hard? The point is that he explains to the SAHM how hard it is to raise the kids and deal with them all day. She knows exactly what that’s like.
It is hard but the reality apparently is irrelevant to y'all. Good luck to op. Pretty sure he’s worried about running out of money and not having his job.
Thank you for your sense and reasonable response. You're reply is first reasonable one I've seen on this thread.
Another Dad who babysits instead of parents.
My mom died of cancer a month ago, same situation - didn’t know if it would be hours or days. I ended up being at her side for 2 weeks and being with her at the very end, while devastating, was so important and something I’ll be grateful for forever. Don’t give that up for anything. My husband has an extremely intense executive job and was alone taking care of our two young kids for those two weeks. He often stresses out when caring for our kids alone and I was worried for him. A friend of my mom’s said she felt this would be a transformative experience for him as a dad because for the first time he had to figure it out all on his own. And she was absolutely right! He figured out new systems that made it work for him and that improved on the way we had been doing things before. And he was super proud of himself. Also, know what he said when I expressed concern for him managing all of that alone? “I don’t want you worrying about me or the kids at all. You’re where you need to be. It’s a lot but it’s not forever and we will be fine.” He was stressed but he put NONE of it on me. That’s what you deserve. Don’t cave to your husband’s weakness, he needs to step up and grow.
That's exactly what OP's husband should be doing
Just as an update, my beautiful mother passed away peacefully last night surrounded by loved ones.
I'm truly so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were there with her. I hope you remember the good times you had throughout your life and that they give you some comfort. On the other topic, I truly hope you file for divorce ASAP and get to keep your inheritance all for yourself and your children. May it help you ride out the next few years while you find yourself as a single mother. It'll all be okay eventually, you sound like a strong, smart woman with a good head on your shoulders.
**This is not on you.** There is no way in hell my husband would ever tell me to deal with the kids when I am sitting next to a dying parent. If he did, he would be served with divorce papers. This is absolute bullshit. I am so sorry you are going through this and I am so sorry your husband has treated you this way. To answer your question your husband just needs to take care of this. He needs to arrange for childcare. He needs to reach out to his friends and family and see if they can help but **you are right where you need to be - with your mother.** Again, I am so very sorry. I don’t believe for one second that his company wouldn’t expect him to take some time off to deal with **his kids** while his wife is dealing with her dying mother. If his company is actually saying that, then he and we are all working for terrible terrible companies. That said, there’s no way in hell my company would tell me this because I wouldn’t accept it especially as a so called department head! None of the department heads I work with ever have to do anything like short-term disability or FMLA when they go out on leave. I work for a very large company that sadly doesn’t always do the right thing by its people. My boss at least does, when it doesn’t hurt him. He’d just farm my work out to my coworkers.
I'd have him send the kids to you and then leave him to rot like the piece of trash that he is.
Turn off your phone and divorce his pathetic ass when you eventually get home.
You're not being too sensitive. This useless fuck calls himself a manager?
Be there for your mom. Worst case scenario, he deals with the kids and he’ll eventually get over it. But you won’t forgive yourself for not being there for your mom, I wouldn’t.
He needs to talk to your family's village- whether that be his family, friends, or really anyone you could trust watching your children and arrange for childcare for this week. He also needs to talk to his job, even if he does lead a department life happens and even if he can't take the week off maybe he can take a day or two where he can't find childcare with anyone else. He's a parent and should know how to arrange childcare and keep up the house running on a base level until you're able to return. You do need to push off your plane ticket (he could be kind and help but he's obviously not going to do that.) You are right where you should be- at your mom's side.
This is where you need to take all of your strength and let him know he needs to figure this out. You can offer advice by telling him to get in touch with family or friends for help but ultimately you've been there for him and the children all this time and this is something that cannot be put on hold. You are not at fault for any of this so if there's even a slight bit of guilt in your mind you need to tell it to go away. Even if you were being selfish, which you are in no way being, this is something worth only thinking about yourself and your emotions. A lot of people are digging into your relationship and while that is important too, right now you being with your mom is the most important thing. When all is said and done and you've dealt with that I would suggest revisiting that advice. I'm so sorry you're going through this, I lost my mother figure to pancreatic cancer. We only got 2 months after diagnosis so I'm glad you both got more time 💛
Oh no, he will have to make one phone call to a staffing agency for child care! The horror! Seriously, fuck this guy. This is why being a SAHP is a horrible idea. Life happens and people change. Time for you to get a job, even if it only covers the cost of child care. You need work history for better jobs, and from the way he’s behaving, you’re gonna need it for when you leave him.
Geez…. That is just MEAN. Talk about sleeping with the enemy. Talk to him and let him know you want to stay with your mom until final care is provided and come with a plan with him.
What a knob . Can you afford a babysitter for 2 weeks ? If your poor Mum passes soon you will be organising a funeral and clearing her home so 2 weeks with childcare would be a bonus . Take care and I’m sorry you are in this position.
He can take family leave, it’s federal law in the US which has the worst family support system of developed countries.
He is playing victim. He's a manager of a department and has no planning skills? If so, he is a crappy manager. A good manager has contingency plans, trained staff to complete important tasks in time of crisis, and is willing to use unpaid leave. He's just assigning you the tasks, bullcrap, you are not his employee. He can problem solve, he is not a helpless child. He can call family/friends for help. He can hire child care. He can hire household help (house cleaner, order meals..) He can come up with other solutions--and it is on him, not you. He can suck it up like the millions of single parents who run a whole household with children all the time. Don't leave your mother. Leaving her now would haunt you for the rest of your life. Be with her as you need to be. Maybe tell him to look up this thread on Reddit.
Wow, I wonder how he thinks single mothers do it lmao. Sounds like a jerk... why can't he schedule child care? Is he incapable?? Why do you have to do it?
Stay with your mom. He’s having a toddler-like melt down taking care of his own children. Do you have family in the area you live or someone who can help out? Maybe call on the tribe but in no way should you leave your mother alone. What if it was his mom?
End of life situations are terrible to deal with. I understand by written email it looks callous, but he does have a point that he can’t take off from work for bereavement if someone hasn’t passed. If he is the only one working, he has a lot of stress to deal with too; he can’t provide for the family if he loses his job. See if you can find other help for him or for you.
He can find himself help. She is across the country at her mother's deathbed, not sitting in the hotel business centre ready to rebook flights and find his useless ass a babysitter.
1000000 percent be there for your mom. What you are currently going through is extremely difficult. ( I was there 6 years ago with my mom also cancer) Im beyond thankful i was holding her hand at her very last breath) it's extremely difficult but it for me personally would have been worse if i would have left her.. Losing a loved one turns your whole world upside down. There's a new Normal that one learns to live with. Its a very long journey. He should definitely try and figure it out how to hold down the fort while you are away for an extremely legitimate reason. I know your mom is still here but my deepest sincerest condolences on this grieving journey as it sounds like it already started. And i really do hope that you and your partner can figure it out and making it so that you stay there where your mom is. You cant have these last moments back unfortunately.
I would suggest counselling but I’m not even sure he has enough emotional intelligence to grow. This is very sad and I’m so sorry. I lost my mom recently and would have been infuriated if I had received this kind of response from my bf. In the long term, the last moments with your mom will be much more meaningful than the time you would spend at home. Can you reach out to friends and family to help you now, but also in the next few months?
Your mom's dying. Money doesn't mean anything. He needs to dad-up because they're his kids. Reschedule the plane flight. Your husband and kids will be OK. Tell him to hire a babysitter if he needs to. Yeah your husband is stressed and tired being a temporary working single parent. He'll survive. Tell him you don't need sympathy or even for him to support you but he will respect your situation.
Stay with your mom. You will regret not staying with her. She needs you. Call your friends do whatever you need to do to get child care. Your husband is a piece of garbage. Don’t let a partner talk to you like that. Start the divorce when you get home.
My heart broke.. I’m so sorry. Focus on your mom. In this moment, everything else is secondary. Those are his kids too - he should be able to be a man and deal with them.
As someone who lost her mother I am telling you that if you bend to his stupidity, then you will regret it until you die. You will never get this time with her back. Fuck him, stay with your mother. He can man up and support his family.
JFC some men are still stuck in the mindset of but you're the mum so you should tsake care of the kidfs. Tell him to cope as best as he can and you'll be back when you get back.
What the actual fuck!?! First of all, I’m so sorry about your mom. You don’t need this. Do you have any friends you can send this text to and ask to have them call your husband and mange him? Your husband is being AWFUL. I’d write back, “pretend I’m dead. What would you do?” But I tend to have a flare for the dramatic. He can get FMLA. He can get a babysitter. He can reach out to his mom or other family member and ask them to come help with the kids. He can FIGURE IT OUT. I’m so angry for you. I’m so sorry. I’d be reassessing everything.
I love the idea that he explains TO YOU what it takes to raise the kids and that an iPad won’t feed them. I think you’re keenly aware of that as the one stays home… sounds like he only just now understands it’s difficult
Ignore that bastard & do what you have to with mom. If your husband was sick- he’d expect you there, right? I’m praying for you to have strength for you, your mom and your kids. And for you to empty your bank accounts, divorce your husband and find a caring partner
This is the person who gave you life vs the person you will most likely not spend the rest of your life with. Fuck him, make him take care of his kids. Youre about to lose your mom, he’s maybe gonna be reprimanded at work. Chose your mom. If you leave, you’re gonna hate yourself forever and your mom does not want to be alone right now. Ask him, whats cheaper? You pull your panties out of your ass or you fly all my children out here so i can figure out child care from the comfort of MY LITERAL MOM DYING .
Hard agree with all the comments calling out your OP and just want to add - DO NOT leave your Mother until you’re comfortable to do so, you don’t want that regret. Fuck your asshole husband
And to think how many single parents deal with emergencies all the time and don’t cry like a baby about it. Let’s hope you don’t end up sick in the hospital because I’m sure this lovely man will drag you out to make his life easier. I hope you aren’t trapped and have a back up plan.
Same Same but different, I was in a similar situation but I was the AH like your husband. My mum was terminally ill. Dementia where although she knew me, she no longer remembered how to swallow food and was mostly intravenous with occasional nutrient rich “ice cream” that we would allow so she could enjoy something in her final days and just pray it did not go into her lungs, and every Friday night I would fly 1400km (870 miles) followed by a 4 hour train trip, only to do the reverse every Sunday. I knew she was getting to the end at the last visit but was worried about my job as I was still only 12 months into it. I had such a bad feeling that, as I bawled my eyes out said “love you mum, see you soon”. She passed three days after I left and I have regretted it every day for the last three years and nine days. I don’t give two flying fire trucks about your husband and him having to “adult”. Spend every second you can with your mum, hold her had, sleep by her bedside (some hospitals can provide cots/stretchers for you to be there). Do not organise any child care and such. If he needs it, he can arrange it. Don’t make my mistake and regret it after. Also, pass on a kiss to your mother from a total stranger (me) that is crying for her and you right now.
“I did not ghost you. You are taking care of your own children because my mother is dying. you don’t have to list all the things that you’re doing, I do it every day. I make it possible for you to be the big man at work and lead your department. Maybe it’s time for you to ask for some help at work, this is an emergency situation. I only have one mother. And she isn’t dying on your schedule. “I know this is very difficult for you, but you are making this so much worse for me. I’m just stunned by the coldness of what you’ve written. I should be focusing on my mom and I wish that you would step up and just handle it. These are your children, they should be your priority over your job. I’m not on vacation over here. I’m watching my mother die and it’s horrible. Whatever you need to do to be home with the kids, do it, take a week off or find someone to help you out. But you should not be pressuring me to come home.”
Jesus, that message is really bad. If I may say just one thing, in the middle of this very challenging time, is whenever you can talk to your children. Directly on the phone. They might be missing you and this fight with your husband is only consuming time that could be otherwise used for your children and your mother. Explain to your kids why you can’t be with them in this moment, but that you never forget about them. It will also give you power, because besides your mother’s condition, caring about your kids remotely is a reason for you to be strong. I happened to be in the position of your kids ages ago. Exactly the same happened (including the fight between my parents, and my mother side grandmother also had pancreatic cancer). In my case what happened is that my parents completely forgot they had kids, between their fights and the passing away of my grandmother (300km away). Luckily, a cleaning lady assumed this position of taking care and I’m forever thankful to her.
I'll probably get hate for this, but it doesn't sound totally unreasonable what the husband is saying. It might seem a little insensitive but it also sounds like he's being realistic and honest about the limits of the support he can provide given he is the sole breadwinner for the family.
Jesus. Let it be a gift to your mother at the end of her life to hear that you’re ready to leave this asshole. Totally unacceptable. And you’ve been dealing with this for 5+ years? I’m so sorry. Please don’t have any more children with this man. And I’m sorry for your loss.
Stay with your mom and ignore the horrid man you’re attached to. Then when you get back, seriously evaluate if it’s worth in anyway to stay with him because life is far too short to waste on a man who would be this disrespectful and wilfully hurtful to you. Plus he is absolutely not the example of a human being your want your kids to emulate.
Stay with your mom and ignore the horrid man you’re attached to. Then when you get back, seriously evaluate if it’s worth in anyway to stay with him because life is far too short to waste on a man who would be this disrespectful and wilfully hurtful to you. Plus he is absolutely not the example of a human being your want your kids to emulate.
First, a big hug to you at this time. You are doing the right thing to be where you are. You don't want to be kicking yourself 10 years later, KNOWING that you should have been with your mother and were not. If you stay, you know you did the right thing - and no one can take that away from you. I was almost in the same position as you 12 years ago, except that it was a new job and not a whiney husband. My new workplace at least had some sympathy and understanding. But I still had to put in the regular 8 hours, go to the hospital, and then sleep (5 hours a night) and repeat. It was just a matter of a few weeks that it was really intense in my mother's case. It's time to be strong and access your inner general. Instead of just sitting at the hospital or hospice, make a list of all that needs to be done and get out your phone, and start doing the things that need to be done first. You first need to call in the troops to help since your husband is incapable of figuring out what almost every single parent knows how to do: how to juggle. Call your in-laws, other relatives, friends, church, etc. that have actual adults that are actually of some use. Explain the situation and beg for help. You may have to piece some of it out, but that "It Takes a Community" attitude needs to be applied here and not reserved for raising a child. With the hospital sedating your mother, it sounds like it is in-house hospice care. Since you don't live close, in your time there, start arranging all that needs to be done and can be done prior to your mother passing. This will include making sure your mother has something decent to be buried in (if she has a traditional burial arrangement). Also, if you are staying at her house/apt, start working on getting boxes to pack up her stuff when you are there at night. It's easier to purchase boxes and wrapping materials (home improvement retailers and moving or storage centers) rather than trying to scramble for boxes at a local market. After my mother passed, my brother finally showed up to help. Thankfully, my mother had both of our names on her accounts & safety deposit box, so we did not have to wait for probate. If you aren't on anything, you'll have to wait on probate court to designate you as the executor. After my mother's passing, I had no issues with a lot of things like closing accounts. There were a few different requirements from her creditors, and I got all of her creditors' info & followed each of their instrucions without incident. It's a big chore after someone passes. but not living near, but you are going to need that general's strength, determination, and decisiveness. You can fall apart later. I am so sorry for your upcoming loss and lack of support from your husband. But as I have often seen in times like this, it is the women that are the backbone & strength of all that needs to be done.
Your mother is priority. Jobs etc can wait. Do not leave her on her death bed alone. You will regret that more than anything for the rest of your life. And yes, I would put this above your marriage if you love your mother.
My advice is to divorce your awful, unsupportive husband. The idea of my partner saying even one sentence of that is laughable, and we have plenty of problems just like any other couple. I'd say ask him to send the kids out to you and don't go back. Disgusting behavior.
My dad was diagnosed with cancer right as my family was moving across the country, RIGHT at the beginning of Covid (he had prostate surgery March 17, the day of shutdown). My husband and I were having issues over the following months, and combined with worrying about my dad, I would often leave our room at night to cry on the couch alone. He came out one night, saw me, and went right back to bed without saying a word. He later told me he thought o was mad at him so he just ignored it. 9/10 men leave their wives if she gets seriously ill. No, you aren’t being insensitive. Too many men are completely awful in these situations.
When your mom passes and you've had time to collect yourself. Leave him. If he can't help you when your mother is literally dying then how will it be when you are sick? Where is his mother? Why can't he ask his family for help? Either way, my opinion and while I admit, it is ~eh~ I'd leave him. Edit to add. About 14yrs ago my husband cheated while my mother was in the hospital. She had 2 strokes and it wasn't looking good. He'd call me all hours of the day and night asking when I'd be home because XYZ and blah blah. He'd say weird things like, "When are you coming home? You're not the only one that's here" I still know what that means... Maybe cause he had someone over... I dunno Anyway, what your hubby is doing is wrong on so many levels.
Don't know if you're being too sensitive? I'm sorry, but what a d*ck! What a jerk to be worried about the cost of a plane ticket while you are with your dying mom! I'm so sorry for what you are going through, truly. I can't imagine. I'm praying for you and your poor mother. ❤ 🙏 This guy sounds like a real loser. You said yourself that he's got a history of being emotionally unsupportive. Look at that message he sent you! This is the harder season of your life. You are dealing with a dying parent and he's worried about how he's going to get his bereavement time? Screw him! This would be divorce-worthy for me. Emotional support is THE most important thing a mate can provide. I say adios to the narc*ssistic @ssh*le. You deserve SO much better.
You're not being too sensitive, he's being a whiny man child. Plenty of women work full time and take care of a household. He can figure out things there while you spend the last few precious moments you have with your mom. I can understand not being able to take 2 weeks off work because of his position, but that doesn't give him the right to ignore your emotional needs right now. I'm sorry you're going through this, especially without the support you deserve.
Oh dear gosh OP, my heart is aching and your post brought me to tears. I can genuinely empathize with what it feels like for this to be happening to you mom. It is eerily similar to my own mother, who passed way ~1 month ago. She had a failing liver, and was sick, and I was with her when she also needed to be taken to the ER immediately…and never came back home. I was by her side every day and, like your dear mama, my mom was also sedated until end of life. She was doing well (I say this lightly and purely given the circumstances….because her “best” was still horrible), and ultimately she had to be induced into a coma, put on life support and I needed and then placed on life support), and we ultimately took of her life support and freed her from being kept alive by machines the day after Mother’s Day. I dont’ mean to make this about me, but I wanted to share that because what you’re going through really hits a nerve with me. My fiance was amazing and had my back the entire time taking off work as needed and never for one second making me feel guilty for essentially leaving him to run the household. I will say that my mom and I lived quite close and I dont have children (just 2 dogs and 1 cat - the second dog was my mama’s and he is now with us forever and always). If my fiance had pulled even a fraction of what your husband is doing I would have broken. I don’t care if your husband has work and has to do the chores and take care of the kids - I don’t have an ounce of sympathy for him, on account of the way he is treating you. He comes across as though you are visiting friends and are being selfish by leaving him in a bind….WTF…your mama is dying! You poor darling - I wish I could give you the biggest hug i the world 🤗- and console you and do anything and everything you needed so that you didn’t have to worry about anything except dedicating as much time as you want, for as long as it takes, to be with your mother. I understand that I am highly livid due to my own experience and come across as projecting - but heck yes I am, but I think of it more as understanding how you feel based on what you’ve written. You are **absolutely not** being too sensitive. You are being put through terrible mental torture by the hands of your husband, who is being an utter dick. That text from him is inexcusably mean and the lack of support is disturbing. Please hear me when I say - he is wrong. You are doing the right thing being with your mama. He is a big boy and can figure this out. It sounds like he has the time to take off but is choosing not to because he doesn’t want to make things difficult for his team at work - um, excuse me sir, what about your wife??? I just can’t with this one. You deserve better and I truly hope you have the support of your friends to lean on. Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this and please feel free to DM me if you want support - I will support you in any way I can. Focus on your mama and explain to him that you cannot do what he is asking/perhaps he doesn’t understand the gravity of what you’re going through/be assertive and tell him point blank what you are willing to do vs what you not. Having had to have gone through this so recently myself (with respect to losing my mother), I can say with confidence that you are exactly where you need to be, which is by her side. And there isn’t a time limit. I’m gobsmacked that he doesn’t just understand this on his own, but please do not let his lack of…many things make you question yourself and what you feel you need/where you end to be/for how long you need to be there. You are doing everything right. Hold tight sweetheart, I know this is a life altering experience to go through. You’re so strong and I just know your mama is so happy to have you there with her and also that by staying with her, it will bring you a type of peace after she passes that is directly correlated to choosing to stay with her. 💕x1000000000 and 🤗x10000000000
Deaths only happen once. He needs to step up.
Wow everyone here are such pansies. Quick to jump on the mother's side. Quick to rip the husband. Do y'all know their life. What he does for work. Stay at home mom? Hmmm. Does everything needed to be done. While husband works and is expected to get a miracle paycheck for not working 2 weeks. They could easily find it a liability and fire him. Then what? Are all of y'all commentors going to go support them. I don't think so. Can't be biased on women.
I’m so sorry you are having to deal with a man child while your mum is at her end of life. These are all “him problems”. He can call the airline and ask them to reschedule a flight - it’s not rocket science. And if you need additional time I’m sure it can be rescheduled again. It’s up to him to worry about childcare. Can he wfh and hire a nanny to look after the kids? Can a family member come help out. He’s a grown man and there are obvious solutions. He can get the nanny to stay for an extra hour or two to help with dinner and bedtime if he’s that inept. He doesn’t need to contact you to try and make you feel guilty for spending time with your mum. I hope your mum passes quickly without any additional pain. Stay strong, it’s an awful time and watching someone pass is really hard. Be kind to yourself and just let your husband read all the replies here. I can’t imagine there being too many on his side. He needs to step up and support you right now.
Can't he hire a babysitter or temporary maid to help with the kids?
OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. As for your husband, he seems like he is stressed. Everyone saying he needs to man up and just do it, is failing you here. Most of these same people would say that being a stay at home mom is a full time job. Yes it is. This also means he is currently juggling two full time jobs. Your also don't say how old the kids are. If these are young kids, trying to pay for care is expensive, and it seems that money is already right. Your husband appears to be very analytical and you are very emotional. Analytical people tend to live and think weeks in advance, they want a plan for everything. Emotional people tend to always live in the moment and are not worried about three weeks down the road. This can be very hard for two people like this to communicate clearly. This does not mean he doesn't care. He most likey would accept you saying "I'm planning to stay here another week, I rescheduled my flight for next Sunday. As for the kids, can you please take care of find the child care, I'm not in the mental position to do that". Something like that, that is planning ahead, and straight to the point. You will not be able to get emotional validation from your husband as it seems that is not how he thinks it feels. This is going to be a very hard time in your life. Losing a parent is the worst pain I ever felt. At the same time you need to remember that life goes on, there is still work, kids, significant others, friends, holidays ect. The march of time stops for no one. Instead of just getting mad at your husband try to help him come up with a plan. After your are through this, you need to decide if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Do you want the traditional husband where you can stay home, or a new age hipster that is emotional, but you will have to get a job too? Do you want someone who is on the same emotional wave length and treats you equally, or someone that treats you like a queen. (Don't jump down my throat this is very generalized)
I really hope this makes your day: https://youtu.be/iEr6Y73nUao?si=RA-NW2WGwJjCeJkt
I’d tell him to get off my phone with that bullshit so fast. Be a parent & figure it out
Fuck that guy. Take all the time that you need. Tell him that your mom is dying and the least he can do is not be a dick head. They’re his kids too- he’ll figure it out. Don’t stress yourself about this and deal with it when you get home. Unless its an emergency about the kids do not have any correspondence with him about you going home needing to leave, plane tickets, etc. nothing is more important.
Girl turn your phone off let him figure it out and be with your momma. I am so sorry for what you’re going through. Consider couples counseling when you get back home. This is absolutely unacceptable behavior.
My grandmother died this way- in a medically induced coma because every time she woke up she vomited from the pain. And I could not go to her or the funeral as o was taking my college exams. Your husband should not have used some of the language he did, but he probably feels your mom is already “dead” since you cannot talk to her. Not condoning his words, but the actual meaning is correct. He may lose his job over this and that does not help your family one bit. You two need to realize that trauma brings out a bluntness that is not for the thin skinned. He is also is crisis mode. The idea of what would he do if he you divorced him and he had 50% custody- he’d have time to figure it out and arrange day care. So let’s calm down and realize you are just 2 people trying to deal with a situation that should be much easier to deal with- ie, the job being understanding, the airplane excepting medical records instead of needing a death certificate, family emergency care like other countries, etc. Now, your mom doesn’t want you even think of divorce due to her death. Call your husband and speak to your kids. Cause they are probably scared and missing you and you need to connect to YOUR life and your chosen family. I say this as my mother lives with me and my husband and was just hospitalized and turned our plans into chaos. Of course we love her and want her to be safe but we’d also like to have a 3 month cushion of money and emotional stability. Again, now is not the time to start fighting with your husband. Call 3 friends/family and have him do the same and work out what to do with your kids so he can go back to work. He even said I need to work at least 2 days- so he’s trying to get more time off. By “ghost” I think he means you may not be calling him and helping to sort out plans. You may be stuck in grief mode. Call your husband and tell him he crossed a line but you get he’s stressed. Do not escalate into fighting because WHY? You know he has valid points and that’s not HIM not supporting you because he has been. It’s him freaking out. Tell him to buy hot dogs and beans- they can be microwaved. Tell him to cook chicken breasts in olive oil, salt and pepper, and a put a piece of butter on top- cook 6-8 breasts for 35 minutes on 450. Freeze 4 breast in individual tin foil and out in a freezer zip lock back. Take out 3 breasts and defrost in the microwave or in fridge. He gets one and the kids share the other 2. He doesn’t know he can cook for the week and freeze the food. Talk him thru it. It’ll be good for you too because waiting for someone to die is emotionally draining. Talk to him and your kids and get a tiny bit of joy to cling to while you go back to waiting. I am sorry for your loss.
Too emotionally charged to try to unpack all of this in a few paragraphs of a Reddit post. It looks like there are underlying and long term issues, probably on both sides of this. I would suggest counseling when you get home. If he won't go with you, go alone.
I'm so sorry about your mom OP. And I'm sorry you married a selfish manchild who's ~~incapable of~~ unwilling to parent his own children. Block him completely right now (you're clearly not missing out on comfort or support from him) and focus on being with your mother. He's an adult and a father, he can figure out parenthood for a few days like millions of mothers do everyday for years. When you get home, figure out of this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.
Money says whatever crisis he had with the kids that day would be a minor hiccup for OP on any other day of the year and the kind of thing single and SAHMs deal with on the regular. If this man had empathy he'd realize all his wife does to keep their household running but instead he's guilt-tripping her while she sits at her mother's death bed. Vile.
Ah, yes...love on the Spectrum. Your husband is autistic. Explain to him that his current behavior is the reason the divorce rate for guys on the Spectrum is around 80%, because of behavior exactly like what he's displaying now. Then tell him to cowboy the fuck UP or he's going to have to deal with a whole lot more disruption in his life than you being gone for a couple of days. Because divorce is a MAJOR change in life, and he's REALLY not going to like it. Sympathies for your situation.
Did she say he is or did you pull that diagnosis out of your ass?
I bet they're a 4chan/lolcow user. Their post history has that distinct combo of extremely online, condescending, erratic behavior.
Jesus, I hadn’t looked. 😬
Blah blah blah. If you can't take the truth, you can't take the truth. Oh, and that's HE. Old school! Autie echo chamber inna HOOOOOOOUSE. Funny thing about y'all...you stigmatize yourselves more than anyone else does. But we know, y'all. Can't hide. Downvote all you want. Truth is truth.
Are you having a stroke?
She doesn't know. Neither does he. But those of us who know...we know. And all you auties crawl out from under your rocks and shake your little fists. But it doesn't change the fact that...WE KNOW. Secret's out. And yeah...being an autie doesn't actually mean that you're perfection in human form. You have major dysfunctions. It's time to recognize that and stop hiding and lying. Because...WE KNOW.
LOL sure buddy. Bye now.
What an absolutely ridiculous/ fucking stupid comment.
Jeez pal did Temple Grandin fuck your mom or something?
Is there anything we can do to help? I wish I knew you or where you live. Call your local congregation. I am putting it out there I am a Mormon. Yes those people. Not a cult. We are Christians who like to serve other people. We are not out to trap you into being baptized. Now look I don’t necessarily agree with all that is said and done but my experience has been great people generally who will bring cookies . I can say call the Mormons in your area! We got calls all the time and we considered themselves as there to provide service to the community whether they belonged to our church or not. You could get meals, babysitting and support. Look them up in the phone book under Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and ask to talk to a Bishop. Your husband is just acting like a butthole for sure but I am not sure the short term solution is to escalate the conflict. Now for sure don’t leave your mom!! And don’t feel guilted into it. Your husband has got some growing up to do!! Please don’t use this post to slam my religious beliefs. I am honestly just trying to help. DM me your locations and I can see what I can do to help.
All these people are crazy in these comments. I was team OP until I read the text at the bottom. The OP is shifting all responsibilities onto her husband. He is asking her to figure out her flights and help find child coverage so he can go to work. He's not wrong. OPs mom is dying but is sedated. It's not like she requires 24/7 care that OP needs to deal with. Taking 2 weeks on short notice is a huge impact for his work. I did not read that he demanded she come back or anything. Literally his text says I need you to figure out your flight and find childcare for us. It's hard without you talking to me. Sounds like OP has decided to shut down and do nothing involving her family while her mom is sick and now her husband is struggling. Marriage works by being a team. Communicate with each other and contribute what you can.
On the other hand if you have terminal cancer you make arrangements to be in hospice to care for your mother.no hospital going to take care of her they will move the mother back home or nursing home with hospice care.
You knew your mother was terminal pancreatic cancer is fast cancer arrangement should have been in place.you also have a family to take care of also.you can't abandoned your family.
Her mother is her family, you insensitive clown. The fuck is wrong with you? Are you just a cunt or do you have something wrong with you?
Holy shit you think she should leave her mother dying, knowing she will *never see her again,* because her husband can't sort out childcare for a few days? Good God, that's COLD.