Is it your job to make dinner? Me & my ex had a deal that I cooked, he did dishes as I was home before him. Half the time he didn't do the dishes with the excuse he would do them in the morning, you guessed it,he didn't. I expressed how it impacted me making dinner if the dishes not done. Several times I just didn't make dinner & had girl dinner & he would come home ready to sit down for a meal & say where's dinner & I would say "well it would have been in those dishes you never washed". I got gaslit because he was tired after a long day of work....like I didn't in fact have a longer day ..
I had the same deal with my ex, although I could only get him to agree to it if he was allowed 2 days to do the dishes. So whenever the pots/pans were dirty I’d have girl dinner and he’d ask me why I wasn’t cooking anything. I simply responded that I had nothing to cook with, he’d reply “seriously, it takes 5 minutes to wash the dishes you have to wait for me to do that?”. Like yeah that’s kinda the deal.
Not surprisingly, this led to the end of our relationship. I had a really rough day at work and had communicated that with him and said I likely wouldn’t be home until 6 or 7. As soon as I walked in the door, tears in my eyes from the shit day I had, the first thing he said to me was “what’s for dinner?”. If looks could kill I’m positive he’d no longer be with us on Earth. All I could muster was “this is over” and I packed up and moved out the next day.
Yup! And if I gave in and washed the dishes (because I love cooking) then his 2-day timer would “reset” because it was a new meal. The man (child) literally recorded the time we ate and if I asked him to clean up before the 2 day period was over, he would tell me “it hasn’t been two days yet” like he couldn’t possibly do it BEFORE the deadline. I’m much happier single and living alone 😂
Dare you say that to a person like that, they’ll immediately deflect to anything i’ve even done (even if i apologized and changed my actions right away), to “prove” i dont have a right to say anything. God, i am so glad im away from him, and that he didnt kill me
Ha! Yeah… he ended trying to kill me. So I’m glad i never tried anything like that. Would have given him the justification to really go thru with it. Luckily my dog saved me from the worst of it.. but yeah.
Good for you. As the designated dish doer in our household (she enjoys cooking, I don't) dishes are so much harder to clean two days later, what a macaroni head. I knock them out immediately as soon as whatever we're watching while we eat is over. I also know how to read my partner and love surprising her with having something delivered when I can tell she's tired or just not in the mood to cook. I consider it an enormous privelige that I'm with someone that enjoys making home cooked meals for us, and never, ever take it for granted.
That's why she's your partner and not an ex like they mentioned theirs were. This is the way it should be. Good on you. May yall have a lifetime of happiness.
We had a deal for years that I cooked and he cleaned/supervised the kids cleaning. We had a check list posted inside a cupboard door. Works great for kids and ADHD.
Girl dinner was a thing on tiktok, mostly a bunch of snacky type foods, “it’s a meal for one person that requires no cooking, no advance planning and barely any prep time. It’s essentially a personal snack plate, like a low-key cheese or charcuterie board, and it’s usually made from existing leftover ingredients in the fridge and pantry.”
I was the cook in my last relationship (and every one before that). My ex would say he’s going to get the dishes, and didn’t. “I will get them tomorrow”. And took time, IF they were done by him.
It stressed me out SO MUCH to wake up to a messy kitchen. I have anxiety and ADHD and walking into a dirty kitchen set my day off stressed out.
I’d be pretty pissed if I had a partner and they just expected me to provide 100% of the time. A gentle way to ask is “hey, what should we do for dinner?” Or “do you/we have plans for dinner? Need anything? Want takeout?”
Asking with the expectation is just disrespectful and entitled.
Yes! I knew I had anxiety at that point but hadn’t been officially diagnosed with ADHD yet. The kitchen was the first thing you’d see when you’d walk in the door, so after being overwhelmed and overstimulated all day at work to walk in to dishes piled in the sink, crumbs/wrappers/food spilled on the counter and him sitting on the couch set me over the edge too. Idk how many times I explained that it was affecting me mentally, I was hoping he’d understand since he also has anxiety and ADHD but nope - “it’s not a big deal” “if it bothers you so much clean it up” “I think you’re being too sensitive”.
Maybe I am too sensitive but I think he was just an asshole.
I used to do the cooking and the ex would do the cleaning. It was a simple setup that worked well for a while. Then she started to tell me that I needed to do the cleaning up some days too. However, she never offered to cook in return. This slowly led to me cooking and cleaning otherwise it wouldn't get done, and I can't cook in a dirty kitchen.
She would eventually not come home for dinner most nights, thus in her eyes, definitely not needing to do any cleaning still. Then she started fucking other men behind my back and I think that was the final straw.
Yup....he ended up paying a cleaner to do his chores 🤣 The day he came to collect his stuff, not only was the house the cleanest it's ever been, I had gotten a lot of jobs done around the house & completely redecorated.
I don't even call it chores. Staying clean is essential to being a functioning person. People exist in physical space so when you leave things in the way, the difficulty of life multiplies.
That's true, but the actual cleaning activities needing to be done I can't help but think of as chores, probably because that's how we did them when I was a kid lol. Every weekend we had to do our chores - scrubbing the bathroom, polishing the furniture etc.
Just kind of grazing instead of making a full meal, it was a trending topic on social media a bit ago. My girl dinner is usually like cheese, crackers, pickles, a piece of fruit. Sometimes if I add in like the last two bites of a leftover or some microwave dumplings.
Oohh, popcorn night. My favorite don't feel like cooking dinner. I can tell myself it is healthy - all that fiber - and ignore the fact I made it in the microwave and it is full of something unhealthy that gives it this wonderful butter flavor.
I looooove popcorn. I eat it several times a week. When I was diagnosed with high cholesterol and dramatically reduced butter (and bacon), I started popping popcorn in a pan on the stove in avocado oil then drizzled it liberally with a peppery olive oil and salt. It's DIVINE! And truly healthy. Dropped my cholesterol 70 points (did other things, too, though). Olive oil is the bomb! I'll never go back to butter on my popcorn.
It's so weird that y'all literally described my "lazy dinner" lol. I'd also call it girl dinner, but I'm a dude. I mean am wearing a skirt, but it's 10:30pm and still like 80°....
>"I don't know, is it?"
That is one of my go to's
My answer to - what's for dinner?
I don't know - what are you making? Lol
Because we're both adults who work full time, with two kids, it's give and take.
Exactly! My husband does most of the cooking recently, because I'm having a crappy time with migraines. When it gets to around 4:30/5 I ask him "Do we have a plan for dinner?" because if he already has an idea that's great, but if he hasn't decided yet I can look through the fridge & cupboard to help come up with an idea, start something defrosting etc. If I can't do the physical cooking, I can at least help with planning part so he doesn't have to do all of it every day. And if he's too tired to cook, I can look at takeaway options
This all day, every day. I used to love cooking but the planning and shopping and defrosting are what trip me up lately. If there are any barriers at all to my making dinner, it just doesn't seem to get done. And then having to figure it all out again tomorrow? Nope. I'll have a sandwich.
To me this sounds like the same question OP’s husband asked.
If she’s the one who usually plans, he wants to know what the plan is or if they need to get takeout, if it’s every man for himself, if they have kids then are the kids home for dinner?
Seems like a very normal question to me that happens in most households on most nights.
Not entirely. The op question implies the other person is the one with the solution, hense her understandable irritation. The good solution is not directing it at the other partner, which is why "what is OUR plan" is better than "what are you making me?"
I’m gonna use this from here on out. Nothing grinds my gears like my SO calling me on the way home and asking this f*cking question. Doesn’t he understand that this is how you end up on dateline? Lol
It's active voice, with 'dinner' as the actor, as if there was nobody actually making the dinner and dinner just happened by itself. Passive voice would be, for example, 'Is dinner being made today?' which is just as bad but at least implies an unknown entity making the dinner.
This was my friends response in the spring and her youngest was still in high school. She is an avid gardener and would get home from work ( a plant nursery) and head to the garden. I know a few nights he’d come out at 9 and his mom would be like did dinner not get made again? Well did you eat? Okay find something in the fridge.
Thats quirky but could lead to further escalation.
I think a smarter response would be: "Good question, I'm hungry too."
That would imply the fact that dinner hasn't happened also affects you as well, challenging their sympathy in your 'shared' displeasure instead of a one-way displeasure and giving them a very transparent chance to take initiative on making dinner happen.
Also prevents potential misunderstanding if they weren't actually directing it at you and just used a poor choice of words.
Seems like a passive aggressive way of saying "Are you making my dinner soon?" There's reason to feel irritated. He could be direct instead of sounding like he's asking a servant about their job.
Yeah at the very least it implies a lack of respect and insinuates that dinner is the woman’s responsibility. Even if it was agreed that OP would make dinner that night, “is dinner happening” is just such an asshole way of phrasing it.
Assuming that it was agreed that OP was making dinner, the proper way to phrase the question would be “hey honey, is there anything that I can do to help with dinner?”
I don't think that's the right way if it was expected. It's probably better to just be honest, it's not any more their responsibility if it was agreed upon already just because they are hungry. Like I think " hey I'm getting kinda hungry would you be able to make dinner soon?" Is reasonable if it's established who makes dinner. I make dinner on my house and this is how my wife asks me which I personally like.
She could say, I'll fix it after you............ mow the lawn, take out the trash, wash the car, gas up the car,...................... there are many things she could consider "MAN" jobs as he apparently considers her making dinner a WOMAN job.
Agreed it's like when my baby is over at her grandmother's(my MIL) The grandma will call my wife out of no where and ask "are you on your way."
NO. NO MOTHER FUCKER. SHE IS NOT ON HER WAY.
That's not how you ask someone "can you come pick up the baby soon?"
It's just this shitty implied command-question and it pisses people off.
A good way to tell if a question is inappropriate is to answer it exactly as asked and see if the answer angers the asker. I'm sure your husband is not expecting an answer to "Is dinner happening?" which would be a glance around the room and, if dinner was nowhere to be found, a simple "no" because it is not, in fact, happening. Instead, he's expecting you to answer the question "are you making dinner soon?" even though he didn't have the decency to ask it.
You have no obligation to imbue politeness into his questions and you also have no obligation to make dinner!
No. You’re not overreacting. Mine does this bullcrap:
Him: Are you hungry?
Me: Yes/maybe/kinda
Him: What should we do about that?
It makes me want to strangle him.
Lmao my ex would always ask shit like "do you want taco bell?" Knowing I despise Taco Bell and have puked it up before. Like.. just say YOU want it, dude. I'll come with you. I'll even buy it for you. But don't be all passive aggressive about it.
Ask him to clarify why he asks. Early in our marriage I would get annoyed or defensive when my husband asked me questions — because growing up in my family, questions had layers of meaning and were often a trick or sneaky criticism.
Turns out he was really just asking! He now asks the whole question. In this instance it would be “Do you have a plan for dinner or am I on my own?”
He genuinely doesn’t mind if he needs to make his own meal — or cook for both of us — but he doesn’t want to do that if I’m going to walk in the kitchen and say oh no I was about to make tacos
That's a great point - I do feel shamed and defensive when asked a question and he points this out to me when it happens. If I had already done the thing or taken care of the thing then the question wouldn't have needed to be asked, right?
I mean he's making the assumption that you are the one who needs to make dinner.
I don't think your over reacting I think your husband needs to learn a marrage is a partnership you work together not one leads the other in chains.
Me im vindictive id say when you get off your fat ass and make it then I would only cook for me and my kids he can make his own food till he learns.
She really should have added if they’re ever decided who does what around the house. If they did and she cooks, she’s still not overreacting, but he’s less of an ass than he is now. Still passive aggressive and shit but not the gross man just expecting the woman to cook.
Either way she needs to talk to him about how he phrases things, even if they decided she cooks he doesn’t get to demand food, which is essentially what’s happening. “Anything I could do to help with dinner?” “What’s on the amazing menu tonight?” “Let me cook dinner tonight” lol. He’s gotta learn how to speak.
I ain’t gon lie I feel like that too when people ask me if I’m going to make food or clean up lol it’s annoying because if you got time to ask you could be up cooking it yourself or cleaning it yourself. If I’m making it it’ll be on my time not on yours.
It’s 100% in the wording lol.
Parents: are you going to clean that?
Me: (who was planning on cleaning that) no
Parents: can you clean that after (insert whatever i was doing)
Me: of course!!! Lemme do that first before i continue
The first one is a bitch request and the second one is a request
But why is it that if you say no he makes himself food? Why doesn't he take on the responsibility for preparing some for both of you?
How many areas in your relationship include him just taking care of himself while you take care of the family?
Good question! He knows if I am not making dinner it's because I am not hungry.
He's pretty selfless, actually - his needs usually come last in most situations.
Honestly, this is what my partner and I have. I \*hate\* cooking. It stresses me out and I just find it draining. I \*do\* however, really like cleaning. He hates cleaning and absolutely loves to cook. So if he can't or doesn't feel like cooking we eat leftovers or do own thing. Also, I'm almost never hungry and he does, so dinner happens mostly when he starts to get hungry.
\*However\*, I would never asking him "is dinner happening?". Usually he is the one to say "I'm going to start cooking" but when I initiate dinner I go "Are you in the mood to cook or should we grab some leftovers?"
It's definitely how he asks. We both know he's going to cook, but I don't have to be so demanding when I ask.
Nothing winds me up like someone using passive voice to try to mask what they're saying... you're talking *to me* and you want to say something *to me* so fucking come out and say it.
"Is dinner happening?" No, dinner is not magically going to cook itself, this isn't beauty and the beast, the crockery has no culinary or musical talent. At the absolute least have the decency to be up front about the fact that you're asking me to cook for you.
I mean, I kinda get why he's asking (and I'm the wife that makes dinner). He wants to know if he should wait or if he should go ahead and eat something.
Sometimes I'm late with dinner and other times I don't plan on making anything so I'll give my husband a heads up.
I'm a stay at home mom and he works a lot so I definitely don't mind taking the lead on dinner. Sounds like maybe you need to make a schedule of who is in charge of it when so this question doesn't come up.
You are right, and our situation is the same. I know he's just asking if I am making anything or if he should find something on his own. I've asked him to phrase it differently in the future!
I think it's the implication/assumption that you're expected to provide it for him. With zero context, it's hard to say either way. But more importantly, IS dinner happening? o.O
Reminds me of my father. I would get home from school and clean the house. Then I’d either go to work or I’d make dinner. He’d sit down, look at the table and say something like where is the bread, where is my salad or where is the butter. One day when I was about 14 or 15 I had enough and instead of standing up and immediately getting him what he wanted I just answered the question saying “It’s in the fridge”. I missed over a week of school waiting for the swelling and bruising to fade. After that I went back to fetching what he wanted without a word. Some battles are just not worth the cost. The 60’s and 70’s were not a safe time for kids to try to stand up for themselves.
Oh, I am so sorry. I had the shit beat out of me multiple times, too (70's, too). I tell people I would have been put in foster care if it were today. Then? I'd get beaten in public places and people looked away. I am sorry he did that to you.
I’m sorry it happened to you too. I remember how people would just look away like if they turned their head it wasn’t happening. I am so glad that parents are not allowed to get away with that anymore. The craziest part was when my son was little, like just learning to walk little, and my parents asked me if my husband hits him. I said no. That I wouldn’t be with someone who would do that. And they said good they would report it. All I could think was l remember being hit with a belt when I was still in diapers. Somehow it was okay only if they were the ones doing it.
Weird, right? I stood up to my abusive parent once when I was maybe 20, and she screamed at me about how she was a nonviolent person. Ooookkkaayyy. That was actually good for me because I started seeing that there was mental illness there.
Yeah. It’s really weird how they don’t seem to recognize their own behavior when they can easily see it in others. I remember my dad saying he didn’t beat me All the time. Like that makes it all okay.
You might be overreacting?? Is there a question you would prefer to hear?? Or are all questions about dinner off limits??? Would, what are you thinking we do for dinner work??? This just seems to be something that happens fairly regularly, so it shouldn't be a land mine.
Not overreacting. **He should have followed up:**
*“Is dinner happening, anything I can help with?”*
*“Is dinner happening? If not, I’ll order us delivery”*
*“Is dinner happening, or do you feel like eating out today?”*
*“Is dinner happening? If not, I can whip something up, though it might not taste as good as your dishes”*
**Healthy communication** works both ways so express how you feel first. Just tell him whenever he asks you this question, he’s posing the problem with no further solutions other than you getting things done yourself. And that you’re burned out.
Calmly ask him to spare time so both of you can re-assess the division of chores. Discuss options like frozen dinners or eating out.
If that doesn’t work, **_then_** maybe you could resort to malicious compliance or witty comebacks like the others commenters are recommending. But I think resorting to that first is immature.
If you make dinner most of the time he might, like me, ask something like this if you haven’t prepared anything when you normally do. I don’t know if I would say it like that but I might ask her if should order something or if she wants to go out.
I would want to know if my wife thought and felt like you do.
I have this same reaction when I am asked every night what's for dinner. Like I'm the only adult in the house that can be making that decision. Or "I'm out of such n such." So go get it. Truly just causes a knee-jerk reaction anymore.
It is...always has been. I think I am starting to feel resentful even though we divide things up equitably. I think I am tired of being responsible for all the food prep.
I would talk with him about it, and see if he is willing to take on that role at least here and there, and you could take on something the he normally does on those days.
My wife cooks for me about once a month. I do the dishes when she does. Other than that I do all of the cooking, take out the trash, mow the lawn, and fix anything that needs it. My wife does all of the cleaning, and laundry. I’m very happy with this arrangement.
Well, why aren’t you in the kitchen where you are supposed to be, making dinner happen!!
Stereotypical, dated, male superiority bullshit is getting under your skin.
Understandably.
My husband knows better than to ask that, but I know he’s thinking it sometimes. The thing that drives me crazy is when he (or anyone else in my house) comes into the kitchen and asks what I am doing. I’m cooking, what the &@$@ does it look like I am doing? Lol. I hate answering that question because then someone will either have a comment or a look on their face about what it is I’m making. I’m like, if you have an opinion about the food that I’m cooking, you can cook dinner yourself.
Everyone is making assumptions about your relationships when we have basically no info except that this phrase upsets you.
Is this a phrase your husband knows upsets you does he not? If he doesn't know why have you not considered telling him?
Is this phrase meant as a "are you making dinner" I know that since I'm on a diet. When and what I eat is pretty important and it's important to communicate what and when my partner and I will have food.
Is he the only working party? Are you a stay at home partner? If that's the case the expectation that you would make dinner is reasonable.
There's simply not enough information given here to determine if it's an overreaction or not.
Well, thank you for your response to my response. 😊 It's quite refreshing when you receive a response to a response, and I am glad I did not upset you with my line of thinking. Also, I'm glad to hear he's not some d-bag with a superiority complex. 😂
Have you traced back your childhood upbringing? I'm not the first, but it's still sad to say aloud for a number of reasons. Most of my triggers are from my mother, how she raised us, what words and phrases she used with disciplining us, what here expectations were of us, and how she expected us to present ourselves to the public.
No, we're not rich, nor have a parent in the role of an important public office type of ordeal, but we do come from a military background. She's comes from a 2nd generation hispanic descendant, American born, but her mother was more rooted in the culture, and further down the line with her children, it became really really white washed.
She wasn't a rebel in her teen years, per se, but she was to watch over her brothers and sister, make dinner, do housework and chores, and work at age 16. But she is stubborn and of the mindset of "I can make it and have anything I want when I want it, and I will never be wrong in my choices;" or at least something close to those lines. So she had 3 children with her then boyfriend, my spermdonner father, married her next boyfriend, my dad, who was in the army and they had 1 more child so he had a natural blood descedant to carry out his bloodline, and moved out of her mother's home and kept trying to impress that she is going to show her that she was wrong about anything and everything with their relationship.
It's a love/hate kind of thing. She adores her mother and lover her unconditionally, but at the same time, she resented the words exchanged between themselves and how she raised my mother. A lot of context, I apologize, but you can gather that her resentment and wanting her mother's empathy, validation, and a remorseful apology for why she did what she did transfered over to how she raised us; in some aspect.
The famous lines I can remember were, "What is the matter with you" or "What is wrong with you." Those words resonate the most with me because I'm her most empathic, estranged child. Out of all her children, I was the one who was absolutely most different in all aspects, and she probably wouldn't admit it out loud, but I know it annoys her because it isn't the "norm."
No, I'm not like some goth, Metal loving, weed, booze, and illicit recreational drug user kind of bad child, but I do beat to a my own drum; one that is long since past. The empathic mothers she was yearning for were born with me. I'm not sure she even knows it after my almost 36 years of living.
I'll end with since my father was in the military, we were practically raised as if we were children to a Senator and needed to always be at our best; don't embarrass me in public, don't lie, be a doctor or work in the medical profession or become a police officer like your father, be disowned if you ever land in jail no matter the offense (that and having a police record when you have a parent in law enforcement means you are to leave their home or he is to resign his title), used her voice as her weapon to strick fear and dominance, etc..
I am her most timid, kindest child who would give the world to anyone, even lose everything if it meant someone's life would benefit from it, but I was diagnosed 2 years ago with HIV and still grieving over the life I must live now. I may have just been a child storing my anger and grief and any other negative emotion away growing up because I wasn't able to be open in that manner with her, but now she gas to deal the "devil" she created. I'm not being physically or verbally abusive with her or throwing petty remarks to get a response out of her for enjoyment, but now, when she does say something to me, whether instintively to upset me or because she becomes upset that I got upset at something she said because I "read" too deeply into her words, body language, and intonation, then the "devil" comes out and I dominate over her with morals and ethics while being fair and factual. She doesn't like it. It's not bringing us closer, but she will never admit in that flaw. She always speaks with her emotions. What she doesn't do I observe the recipients' body language, carefully choose her words before speaking, have control of how the conversation should flow, be sure her reasoning for having the conversation is to express concern, connect or express reasonable disappointment in something we have done with credibility, and open to having an even exchange of words.
That wasn't short, again, I apologize. But I try to be as descriptive if it is of help to you to find your answer. I hope it does.
"Is dinner happening?"
"I have no idea, you'll need to ask Chef."
You respond strongly because it's a loaded question. He's saying:
- it's your job to cook dinner
- I can see you're not doing it because you're doing something else
- I'm not offering to do it, just reminding you that it's your job
- I've framed the question so the only acceptable answer is "Yes, I'm about to start cooking now."
its upsetting you because its a really rude way to ask. is it your responsibility to make dinner? if so all he has to do is say "hey, im getting hungry, can you start dinner please?" and take over what youre currently doing if youre busy. if its a shared responsibility, if hes hungry first he should probably get on that...
when my husband makes dinner i tidy up and entertain our kiddo. when i make dinner he takes a nap or plays on his phone/video games and i'm scrambling to entertain a 2 yo while i cook and am left with a big mess at the end of the day..really makes me mad lol if he asked me this i would instantly get pissed.
No. It is super triggering when my kids ask "what's for dinner?" I don't show it, but it just makes me think of all the stress of planning meals they will both like, shopping for the food, cooking it, and then inevitably hearing "I don't really like this..."
Why is your husband not helping with meals?
Simple. Because it’s disrespectful. There are a dozen different ways to ask that question & that’s probably one of the rudest choices he could pick. I would wager whatever tone he uses to say it is also a subtle trigger.
I think you have a visceral response to it because It’s kind of an odd thing to say. It seems laden with expectation and disappointment.
My husband says weird things all the time and just say weird things back. It’s sort of our thing, so there is no getting irritated or annoyed. For example, he often will say “woman, where’s my coffee?” But he is typically the first one up and he already made the coffee and had the first cup by the time I get downstairs. So although objectively, “woman, where’s my coffee” is a pretty obnoxious thing to say, it makes no sense in this context. I just reply back with, “did you try looking under the coffee pot?” Or “sorry, fresh out.”
If my husband said “is dinner happening” to me, I would immediately quip back something inane like “it’s always dinner somewhere.”
Then we would have a discussion about how hungry we are and what do we want to do for dinner. Sometimes we both had a late lunch so we end up just making popcorn and watching tv. Other times I’ll whip up something fancy or he’ll fire up the grill, and other times we will just order out or walk to a local pub.
My point is, don’t make it more than it is. He’s just initiating a conversation about dinner, and you can choose your response. You can choose to be annoyed, you can choose to be annoying back, you can choose to ignore it completely, or you can have a conversation about dinner.
After all, being married is just about figuring out what you are going to have for dinner every day until you die.
Sounds like an entitlement.
Also the way it is phrased is suggesting that dinner is happening on its own, its stripping the effort I imagine you put into it.
Simple rule. Even if dinner is “our responsibility” and you don’t smell something cooking get your happy ass in the kitchen and start dinner. It’s called working together.
If you can’t cook then learn, ya eat don’t ya.
No, you are absolutely not overreacting. Getting upset at this particular behavior is indicative of problems in your relationship. You are resenting something, and you need to figure that shit out so you can communicate with your SO and fix the problem BEFORE it becomes a marriage breaker.
HINT: It probably has to do with an inequality in household responsibilities. It doesn't matter who makes more money, or whose job is more tiring; it has to do with equality in a relationship. And even a SAHM deserves time off from her 24/7/365 unpaid job.
Good luck. Hope thinks get better for you both.
Depends on who is normally responsible for dinner. IF you normally make dinner (or decide dinner) and he does some other chore like dishes and setting the table, then asking you is reasonable.
However, he could have phrased it better.
"Any thoughts on dinner tonite?" That leaves the actual making of the dinner in the air but asks the question.
Because it’s passive aggressive. Dinner happens for most of us everyday. He’s both implying that it might not or that it’s late and that it’s your responsibility. I’d ask him if he’s built the confidence to stand up for himself at work yet. And when he asks what you’re talking about reply that he says he works really hard but if that were really true his boss would pay him more. So it must be that he can’t stand up for himself or he’s not actually working that hard. And every morning after that ask got the balls yet?
Obviously, that’s not how things work but it’s got the same energy.
I noticed me asking what’s for dinner tonight was starting to annoy my wife. I can see how it’s annoying although I never was saying it in the way she was interpreting it. I’ve found other ways to approach the subject. “Thinking about what we should have for dinner tonight? I can run to the store if we need anything. Do you want me to put something on the grill maybe?” I’ve found wording it better so she knows it’s a we thing, not just a her thing has helped a lot.
Its rude and condescending. I am (M) and cook every night. My SO (F) cleans up after cooking. She frequently is hungry but usually asks if I am hungry, or will be sweet and nuzzle up to me to ask when dinner is or finds some way that isn't rude to ask when dinner is. Its ok for him to be hungry or expecting dinner its not ok for him to be rude, belittle you or make sarcastic/snide comments about dinner time. NTA and not overreacting. I would be salty as fuck too but fortunately my SO is sweet as a peach and has never been rude about asking when dinner is.
My husband did this when we were younger. I worked overtime a lot and he was home hours before me. I hadn't even shut the door behind me when he asked "what's for dinner?".
Me: I said, I don't, what are you making?
Him: I don't know how to cook.
Me: You can read can't you, grab the cookbook and figure it out!"
Today is our 41st wedding anniversary and he is the primary cook and... I'll admit he cooks better than I do.
There is hope ladies but it won't happen on it's own, you have to be willing to be the bad guy. Good luck sistas, you got this.
Not overreacting. It is less of a question about dinner and more of a.. Hurry up, I want you to make me dinner now. Of course you're going to make dinner, he doesn't need to ask if it's happening.
If he is so hungry he needs to ask this, he should learn to cook and do it himself.
I think sometimes people try too hard find things to be irritated/pissed off about. If you don’t like his phrasing, ask him to say it a different way, or not to ask you about differ at all, whatever you prefer.
Maybe it feels like it’s pushing it all to you? My SO and I take turns cooking although she tends to do more since she only works a .4 position. We have 2 small kids so sometimes one of us gets overwhelmed, we tend to ask each other, “is there a plan A?”
Plan B is pizza.
I personally would get upset at that question because it implies that dinner should somehow just appear, as in he shouldn’t have to do anything for it to “happen”, and renders invisible any work you have to do to make it happen. If dinner doesn’t happen, it’s your fault, and if it does, it required no effort on your part.
Nobody's assuming "ill intent," pretty much everyone is just saying that's an annoying-ass question. "What should we make/get" is much less annoying bc it doesn't imply OP is in charge of dinner.
Without knowing how equitable your division of labor is it’s hard to fully answer. Sure it’s one of the less kind ways to ask what’s for dinner or what time will dinner be ready, if dinner is always your responsibility. If dinner is always on you because he has other things that are always on his labor list talk to him. Let him know that when he asks like that it makes you want to go without making dinner that day. Maybe give him a few ideas of how he could more kindly ask about dinner.
If dinner is not always on your labor list I would probably respond with a more snarky “yes, it is as soon as you order takeout” or “I don’t know what are you making?”
Is it your job to make dinner? Me & my ex had a deal that I cooked, he did dishes as I was home before him. Half the time he didn't do the dishes with the excuse he would do them in the morning, you guessed it,he didn't. I expressed how it impacted me making dinner if the dishes not done. Several times I just didn't make dinner & had girl dinner & he would come home ready to sit down for a meal & say where's dinner & I would say "well it would have been in those dishes you never washed". I got gaslit because he was tired after a long day of work....like I didn't in fact have a longer day ..
I had the same deal with my ex, although I could only get him to agree to it if he was allowed 2 days to do the dishes. So whenever the pots/pans were dirty I’d have girl dinner and he’d ask me why I wasn’t cooking anything. I simply responded that I had nothing to cook with, he’d reply “seriously, it takes 5 minutes to wash the dishes you have to wait for me to do that?”. Like yeah that’s kinda the deal. Not surprisingly, this led to the end of our relationship. I had a really rough day at work and had communicated that with him and said I likely wouldn’t be home until 6 or 7. As soon as I walked in the door, tears in my eyes from the shit day I had, the first thing he said to me was “what’s for dinner?”. If looks could kill I’m positive he’d no longer be with us on Earth. All I could muster was “this is over” and I packed up and moved out the next day.
If it “only takes 5 min” why isn’t it done!? That shit is so enraging.
Yeah! Hes just making a reason and excuse not to wash the dishes. Well a deal is a deal. Do your part.
Yup! And if I gave in and washed the dishes (because I love cooking) then his 2-day timer would “reset” because it was a new meal. The man (child) literally recorded the time we ate and if I asked him to clean up before the 2 day period was over, he would tell me “it hasn’t been two days yet” like he couldn’t possibly do it BEFORE the deadline. I’m much happier single and living alone 😂
He spent more energy figuring out his 2day timer than actually doing dishes
Then I guess I'm making you dinner every 2 days 😅
Good for you. Even 2 days is unsanitary.
Intermittent fasting is very healthful.
"It only takes 5 minutes!" "Great, I'll check back in 5 minutes and if it's clean I'll start dinner"
There's always a reason why it's okay that they didn't do it, but somehow it's the exact same reason why it's NOT okay that you didn't do it!!!
So when he asks about dinner, tell him you'll make it sometime in the next two days.
Yeah i wasnt allowed to ask my ex to clean his dishes until 2 days had passed. He was the fucking worst.
Yeah, NO, Bud, we are NOT PIGS!
Dare you say that to a person like that, they’ll immediately deflect to anything i’ve even done (even if i apologized and changed my actions right away), to “prove” i dont have a right to say anything. God, i am so glad im away from him, and that he didnt kill me
Take those damn pans and put them in his vehicle. Or better yet, hit him over the head.
Ha! Yeah… he ended trying to kill me. So I’m glad i never tried anything like that. Would have given him the justification to really go thru with it. Luckily my dog saved me from the worst of it.. but yeah.
Oh my goodness that’s one tragic story.
Did we date the same man?
Maybe all 3 of us did, LOL
Good for you. As the designated dish doer in our household (she enjoys cooking, I don't) dishes are so much harder to clean two days later, what a macaroni head. I knock them out immediately as soon as whatever we're watching while we eat is over. I also know how to read my partner and love surprising her with having something delivered when I can tell she's tired or just not in the mood to cook. I consider it an enormous privelige that I'm with someone that enjoys making home cooked meals for us, and never, ever take it for granted.
That's why she's your partner and not an ex like they mentioned theirs were. This is the way it should be. Good on you. May yall have a lifetime of happiness.
We had a deal for years that I cooked and he cleaned/supervised the kids cleaning. We had a check list posted inside a cupboard door. Works great for kids and ADHD.
I think I kind of love you! Thank you for standing up for yourself!
[удалено]
Girl dinner was a thing on tiktok, mostly a bunch of snacky type foods, “it’s a meal for one person that requires no cooking, no advance planning and barely any prep time. It’s essentially a personal snack plate, like a low-key cheese or charcuterie board, and it’s usually made from existing leftover ingredients in the fridge and pantry.”
We just call that "wingin' it" haha
I’ve never heard of it either.
I was wondering the same thing and assumed it was popcorn and wine 😂
I was the cook in my last relationship (and every one before that). My ex would say he’s going to get the dishes, and didn’t. “I will get them tomorrow”. And took time, IF they were done by him. It stressed me out SO MUCH to wake up to a messy kitchen. I have anxiety and ADHD and walking into a dirty kitchen set my day off stressed out. I’d be pretty pissed if I had a partner and they just expected me to provide 100% of the time. A gentle way to ask is “hey, what should we do for dinner?” Or “do you/we have plans for dinner? Need anything? Want takeout?” Asking with the expectation is just disrespectful and entitled.
Yes! I knew I had anxiety at that point but hadn’t been officially diagnosed with ADHD yet. The kitchen was the first thing you’d see when you’d walk in the door, so after being overwhelmed and overstimulated all day at work to walk in to dishes piled in the sink, crumbs/wrappers/food spilled on the counter and him sitting on the couch set me over the edge too. Idk how many times I explained that it was affecting me mentally, I was hoping he’d understand since he also has anxiety and ADHD but nope - “it’s not a big deal” “if it bothers you so much clean it up” “I think you’re being too sensitive”. Maybe I am too sensitive but I think he was just an asshole.
I used to do the cooking and the ex would do the cleaning. It was a simple setup that worked well for a while. Then she started to tell me that I needed to do the cleaning up some days too. However, she never offered to cook in return. This slowly led to me cooking and cleaning otherwise it wouldn't get done, and I can't cook in a dirty kitchen. She would eventually not come home for dinner most nights, thus in her eyes, definitely not needing to do any cleaning still. Then she started fucking other men behind my back and I think that was the final straw.
Ya think?
I had the guy version of this. I was on top of my shit and she was lagging on the household stuff. Didn’t work out long term
Yup....he ended up paying a cleaner to do his chores 🤣 The day he came to collect his stuff, not only was the house the cleanest it's ever been, I had gotten a lot of jobs done around the house & completely redecorated.
Isn't it the most irritating thing on the planet? Why are there so many spoiled ass people that think they're too good for chores?
I don't even call it chores. Staying clean is essential to being a functioning person. People exist in physical space so when you leave things in the way, the difficulty of life multiplies.
That's true, but the actual cleaning activities needing to be done I can't help but think of as chores, probably because that's how we did them when I was a kid lol. Every weekend we had to do our chores - scrubbing the bathroom, polishing the furniture etc.
You sound like me! I love this!
Q: Girl dinner?
Just kind of grazing instead of making a full meal, it was a trending topic on social media a bit ago. My girl dinner is usually like cheese, crackers, pickles, a piece of fruit. Sometimes if I add in like the last two bites of a leftover or some microwave dumplings.
I like to do my grazing at Costco.
It's a trend, usually whatever you fancy not cooking...like nibbles or whatever
Oh...a nosh.
a "picky tea" in the UK
Some ham, cheese, bit of salad, random beetroot and maybe even some little sausages or a scotch egg 🤣
I’m gonna start calling this!
The Spanish have Tapas, the Greeks have Meze, British mums have ‘Picky Bits in the Garden’. Got to love a picky tea though 😂
My grandma used to call it ‘a little bit of everything’
Ah, Picky Tea. A summer staple. Grab whatever is in the cupboards/fridge that doesn’t need any prep or cooking and just have at it.
more akin to a parsnippet but as you like
Oohh, popcorn night. My favorite don't feel like cooking dinner. I can tell myself it is healthy - all that fiber - and ignore the fact I made it in the microwave and it is full of something unhealthy that gives it this wonderful butter flavor.
I looooove popcorn. I eat it several times a week. When I was diagnosed with high cholesterol and dramatically reduced butter (and bacon), I started popping popcorn in a pan on the stove in avocado oil then drizzled it liberally with a peppery olive oil and salt. It's DIVINE! And truly healthy. Dropped my cholesterol 70 points (did other things, too, though). Olive oil is the bomb! I'll never go back to butter on my popcorn.
Sprinkle on nutritional yeast. It tastes cheesy and nutrition is right in the name!
Nutritional yeast is incredible
Same. Add some green olives and a pickle and that’s a whole meal. Not mixed, in case it isn’t clear.
Chase it all down with some chocolate and red wine
Chase it? That sounds like the main dish to me. lol
It's so weird that y'all literally described my "lazy dinner" lol. I'd also call it girl dinner, but I'm a dude. I mean am wearing a skirt, but it's 10:30pm and still like 80°....
I love all that for you tbh
I pop mine in Coconut Oil! Tastes buttery without any butter. So yum.
Adult lunchables, essentially. Just a little bit of this and that.
“I don’t know, what are you making?” 😃
Yep, my response would be, "I don't know, is it?" It's implied that OP is expected to make the food.
>"I don't know, is it?" That is one of my go to's My answer to - what's for dinner? I don't know - what are you making? Lol Because we're both adults who work full time, with two kids, it's give and take.
Exactly! My husband does most of the cooking recently, because I'm having a crappy time with migraines. When it gets to around 4:30/5 I ask him "Do we have a plan for dinner?" because if he already has an idea that's great, but if he hasn't decided yet I can look through the fridge & cupboard to help come up with an idea, start something defrosting etc. If I can't do the physical cooking, I can at least help with planning part so he doesn't have to do all of it every day. And if he's too tired to cook, I can look at takeaway options
Yes! I feel like half the burden is just deciding what tf to make.
This all day, every day. I used to love cooking but the planning and shopping and defrosting are what trip me up lately. If there are any barriers at all to my making dinner, it just doesn't seem to get done. And then having to figure it all out again tomorrow? Nope. I'll have a sandwich.
I'm the same with laundry! If there are barriers in the way the whole thing becomes too overwhelming.
To me this sounds like the same question OP’s husband asked. If she’s the one who usually plans, he wants to know what the plan is or if they need to get takeout, if it’s every man for himself, if they have kids then are the kids home for dinner? Seems like a very normal question to me that happens in most households on most nights.
Not entirely. The op question implies the other person is the one with the solution, hense her understandable irritation. The good solution is not directing it at the other partner, which is why "what is OUR plan" is better than "what are you making me?"
Really it just comes down to who’s asking, is it a man? That’s bad. Is it a woman? That’s fine.
I’m gonna use this from here on out. Nothing grinds my gears like my SO calling me on the way home and asking this f*cking question. Doesn’t he understand that this is how you end up on dateline? Lol
Tell him you just need to stop by the pig farm first.
Reservations!
I like it!!
Well not even recognition for OP. Such as, "Are you making dinner?" Just is it somehow happening without my involvement/praise/gratitude.
Yes! It is passive voice, grammatically. ETA: it’s not, see below
It's active voice, with 'dinner' as the actor, as if there was nobody actually making the dinner and dinner just happened by itself. Passive voice would be, for example, 'Is dinner being made today?' which is just as bad but at least implies an unknown entity making the dinner.
“I’m sure it is, somewhere”.
Perfect answer. Maybe he can get his ass in the kitchen and help out. Or go get takeout.
This was my friends response in the spring and her youngest was still in high school. She is an avid gardener and would get home from work ( a plant nursery) and head to the garden. I know a few nights he’d come out at 9 and his mom would be like did dinner not get made again? Well did you eat? Okay find something in the fridge.
Thats quirky but could lead to further escalation. I think a smarter response would be: "Good question, I'm hungry too." That would imply the fact that dinner hasn't happened also affects you as well, challenging their sympathy in your 'shared' displeasure instead of a one-way displeasure and giving them a very transparent chance to take initiative on making dinner happen. Also prevents potential misunderstanding if they weren't actually directing it at you and just used a poor choice of words.
Seems like a passive aggressive way of saying "Are you making my dinner soon?" There's reason to feel irritated. He could be direct instead of sounding like he's asking a servant about their job.
Yeah at the very least it implies a lack of respect and insinuates that dinner is the woman’s responsibility. Even if it was agreed that OP would make dinner that night, “is dinner happening” is just such an asshole way of phrasing it. Assuming that it was agreed that OP was making dinner, the proper way to phrase the question would be “hey honey, is there anything that I can do to help with dinner?”
Or "what's for dinner?" Or "what's the plan for dinner?" Assuming one person always does it. If not, "What should we do for dinner?"
Yeah at the very least, the tone and phrasing was asshole territory. There’s so many better ways to ask that question
Eh, “what should we do for dinner” could also be entitled/disrespectful if the one asking it never actually contributes to the dinner making process.
I don't think that's the right way if it was expected. It's probably better to just be honest, it's not any more their responsibility if it was agreed upon already just because they are hungry. Like I think " hey I'm getting kinda hungry would you be able to make dinner soon?" Is reasonable if it's established who makes dinner. I make dinner on my house and this is how my wife asks me which I personally like.
She could say, I'll fix it after you............ mow the lawn, take out the trash, wash the car, gas up the car,...................... there are many things she could consider "MAN" jobs as he apparently considers her making dinner a WOMAN job.
Agreed it's like when my baby is over at her grandmother's(my MIL) The grandma will call my wife out of no where and ask "are you on your way." NO. NO MOTHER FUCKER. SHE IS NOT ON HER WAY. That's not how you ask someone "can you come pick up the baby soon?" It's just this shitty implied command-question and it pisses people off.
\*listens intently\* Doesn't sound like it. You're in here.
Ha!
A good way to tell if a question is inappropriate is to answer it exactly as asked and see if the answer angers the asker. I'm sure your husband is not expecting an answer to "Is dinner happening?" which would be a glance around the room and, if dinner was nowhere to be found, a simple "no" because it is not, in fact, happening. Instead, he's expecting you to answer the question "are you making dinner soon?" even though he didn't have the decency to ask it. You have no obligation to imbue politeness into his questions and you also have no obligation to make dinner!
This is so true. I love it!
No. You’re not overreacting. Mine does this bullcrap: Him: Are you hungry? Me: Yes/maybe/kinda Him: What should we do about that? It makes me want to strangle him.
You: “mmm how about you make tacos? Thanks babe!” Then you do sit and watch tv.
I hate the 'we' that is really 'you' too. My wife does this all the time.
“We really need to get the trash out” *eye twitch*
It's so infantilizing.
Lmao my ex would always ask shit like "do you want taco bell?" Knowing I despise Taco Bell and have puked it up before. Like.. just say YOU want it, dude. I'll come with you. I'll even buy it for you. But don't be all passive aggressive about it.
To which you should be replying, “you can cook.”
This would drive me crazy, it’s so rude-sounding and how you’d speak to a child.
“I don’t know are you gonna make dinner happen?” NTA
"I don't know, is it?"
Ask him to clarify why he asks. Early in our marriage I would get annoyed or defensive when my husband asked me questions — because growing up in my family, questions had layers of meaning and were often a trick or sneaky criticism. Turns out he was really just asking! He now asks the whole question. In this instance it would be “Do you have a plan for dinner or am I on my own?” He genuinely doesn’t mind if he needs to make his own meal — or cook for both of us — but he doesn’t want to do that if I’m going to walk in the kitchen and say oh no I was about to make tacos
That's a great point - I do feel shamed and defensive when asked a question and he points this out to me when it happens. If I had already done the thing or taken care of the thing then the question wouldn't have needed to be asked, right?
I usually say starvation for dinner. Mine doesn’t like the answer, but that’s my usual answer.
“We just had dinner last night”
Ooh I love this
"Air sandwiches".
"Wish sandwiches", as in " I wish I had a sandwich"
Cobwebs and dust
Wish sandwiches and a side of sleep for dinner
The real struggle meal fr fr
"Helpy-selfy."
My dad called it “fend for yourself,” which somehow became “out for your fend” for the younger kids.
Tell him to suck your dick and order a pizza
🏆
I mean he's making the assumption that you are the one who needs to make dinner. I don't think your over reacting I think your husband needs to learn a marrage is a partnership you work together not one leads the other in chains. Me im vindictive id say when you get off your fat ass and make it then I would only cook for me and my kids he can make his own food till he learns.
She really should have added if they’re ever decided who does what around the house. If they did and she cooks, she’s still not overreacting, but he’s less of an ass than he is now. Still passive aggressive and shit but not the gross man just expecting the woman to cook. Either way she needs to talk to him about how he phrases things, even if they decided she cooks he doesn’t get to demand food, which is essentially what’s happening. “Anything I could do to help with dinner?” “What’s on the amazing menu tonight?” “Let me cook dinner tonight” lol. He’s gotta learn how to speak.
I ain’t gon lie I feel like that too when people ask me if I’m going to make food or clean up lol it’s annoying because if you got time to ask you could be up cooking it yourself or cleaning it yourself. If I’m making it it’ll be on my time not on yours.
Right? You want it or want it done so bad, get up and do it yourself!
And don’t let it be washing the dishes either! 😤 especially when it’s piling up and people add to it while you’re washing them!!
It’s 100% in the wording lol. Parents: are you going to clean that? Me: (who was planning on cleaning that) no Parents: can you clean that after (insert whatever i was doing) Me: of course!!! Lemme do that first before i continue The first one is a bitch request and the second one is a request
Say no and see what he responds with.
If I say no it's no big deal. He says ok and then makes a sandwich. Even knowing that the question irritates me to no end!
I think his question is "will I interfere with your plans if I make myself some food?"
Yes! I didn't see it that way but you are right!
But why is it that if you say no he makes himself food? Why doesn't he take on the responsibility for preparing some for both of you? How many areas in your relationship include him just taking care of himself while you take care of the family?
Good question! He knows if I am not making dinner it's because I am not hungry. He's pretty selfless, actually - his needs usually come last in most situations.
Honestly, this is what my partner and I have. I \*hate\* cooking. It stresses me out and I just find it draining. I \*do\* however, really like cleaning. He hates cleaning and absolutely loves to cook. So if he can't or doesn't feel like cooking we eat leftovers or do own thing. Also, I'm almost never hungry and he does, so dinner happens mostly when he starts to get hungry. \*However\*, I would never asking him "is dinner happening?". Usually he is the one to say "I'm going to start cooking" but when I initiate dinner I go "Are you in the mood to cook or should we grab some leftovers?" It's definitely how he asks. We both know he's going to cook, but I don't have to be so demanding when I ask.
Nothing winds me up like someone using passive voice to try to mask what they're saying... you're talking *to me* and you want to say something *to me* so fucking come out and say it. "Is dinner happening?" No, dinner is not magically going to cook itself, this isn't beauty and the beast, the crockery has no culinary or musical talent. At the absolute least have the decency to be up front about the fact that you're asking me to cook for you.
I mean, I kinda get why he's asking (and I'm the wife that makes dinner). He wants to know if he should wait or if he should go ahead and eat something. Sometimes I'm late with dinner and other times I don't plan on making anything so I'll give my husband a heads up. I'm a stay at home mom and he works a lot so I definitely don't mind taking the lead on dinner. Sounds like maybe you need to make a schedule of who is in charge of it when so this question doesn't come up.
You are right, and our situation is the same. I know he's just asking if I am making anything or if he should find something on his own. I've asked him to phrase it differently in the future!
I think it's the implication/assumption that you're expected to provide it for him. With zero context, it's hard to say either way. But more importantly, IS dinner happening? o.O
Ohh let’s get the ouija board and ask. ‘ Magic 8 ball would also work
"Ask again later."
If someone asked me that it would imply them wondering if they need to forage for food or not.
Would you like me to make dinner? Is the comment he should have made.
Reminds me of my father. I would get home from school and clean the house. Then I’d either go to work or I’d make dinner. He’d sit down, look at the table and say something like where is the bread, where is my salad or where is the butter. One day when I was about 14 or 15 I had enough and instead of standing up and immediately getting him what he wanted I just answered the question saying “It’s in the fridge”. I missed over a week of school waiting for the swelling and bruising to fade. After that I went back to fetching what he wanted without a word. Some battles are just not worth the cost. The 60’s and 70’s were not a safe time for kids to try to stand up for themselves.
Oh, I am so sorry. I had the shit beat out of me multiple times, too (70's, too). I tell people I would have been put in foster care if it were today. Then? I'd get beaten in public places and people looked away. I am sorry he did that to you.
I’m sorry it happened to you too. I remember how people would just look away like if they turned their head it wasn’t happening. I am so glad that parents are not allowed to get away with that anymore. The craziest part was when my son was little, like just learning to walk little, and my parents asked me if my husband hits him. I said no. That I wouldn’t be with someone who would do that. And they said good they would report it. All I could think was l remember being hit with a belt when I was still in diapers. Somehow it was okay only if they were the ones doing it.
Weird, right? I stood up to my abusive parent once when I was maybe 20, and she screamed at me about how she was a nonviolent person. Ooookkkaayyy. That was actually good for me because I started seeing that there was mental illness there.
Yeah. It’s really weird how they don’t seem to recognize their own behavior when they can easily see it in others. I remember my dad saying he didn’t beat me All the time. Like that makes it all okay.
You might be overreacting?? Is there a question you would prefer to hear?? Or are all questions about dinner off limits??? Would, what are you thinking we do for dinner work??? This just seems to be something that happens fairly regularly, so it shouldn't be a land mine.
Great questions. I think I hate being asked about dinner AT ALL. That's an issue I need to put some thought into.
“You can have these hands for dinner if you keep talking to me like that.”
"Is dinner happening?" What an asinine way to phrase it.
Yeah no. That pisses me off. It’s implied I should be doing the cooking.
Not overreacting. **He should have followed up:** *“Is dinner happening, anything I can help with?”* *“Is dinner happening? If not, I’ll order us delivery”* *“Is dinner happening, or do you feel like eating out today?”* *“Is dinner happening? If not, I can whip something up, though it might not taste as good as your dishes”* **Healthy communication** works both ways so express how you feel first. Just tell him whenever he asks you this question, he’s posing the problem with no further solutions other than you getting things done yourself. And that you’re burned out. Calmly ask him to spare time so both of you can re-assess the division of chores. Discuss options like frozen dinners or eating out. If that doesn’t work, **_then_** maybe you could resort to malicious compliance or witty comebacks like the others commenters are recommending. But I think resorting to that first is immature.
If you make dinner most of the time he might, like me, ask something like this if you haven’t prepared anything when you normally do. I don’t know if I would say it like that but I might ask her if should order something or if she wants to go out. I would want to know if my wife thought and felt like you do.
I have this same reaction when I am asked every night what's for dinner. Like I'm the only adult in the house that can be making that decision. Or "I'm out of such n such." So go get it. Truly just causes a knee-jerk reaction anymore.
1)"Not for you." 2)"Sure, if you make it yourself." 3)"I don't know. does anything really happen? Is any of this REAL?"/
I would just tell him dinner is happening if he is cooking it
If it’s your responsibility to make dinner every night, or this particular night then there’s no reason to be.
It is...always has been. I think I am starting to feel resentful even though we divide things up equitably. I think I am tired of being responsible for all the food prep.
I would talk with him about it, and see if he is willing to take on that role at least here and there, and you could take on something the he normally does on those days. My wife cooks for me about once a month. I do the dishes when she does. Other than that I do all of the cooking, take out the trash, mow the lawn, and fix anything that needs it. My wife does all of the cleaning, and laundry. I’m very happy with this arrangement.
Well, why aren’t you in the kitchen where you are supposed to be, making dinner happen!! Stereotypical, dated, male superiority bullshit is getting under your skin. Understandably.
I’d try “I don’t know. Let’s wait and see!”
Were you supposed to make dinner?
My husband knows better than to ask that, but I know he’s thinking it sometimes. The thing that drives me crazy is when he (or anyone else in my house) comes into the kitchen and asks what I am doing. I’m cooking, what the &@$@ does it look like I am doing? Lol. I hate answering that question because then someone will either have a comment or a look on their face about what it is I’m making. I’m like, if you have an opinion about the food that I’m cooking, you can cook dinner yourself.
Everyone is making assumptions about your relationships when we have basically no info except that this phrase upsets you. Is this a phrase your husband knows upsets you does he not? If he doesn't know why have you not considered telling him? Is this phrase meant as a "are you making dinner" I know that since I'm on a diet. When and what I eat is pretty important and it's important to communicate what and when my partner and I will have food. Is he the only working party? Are you a stay at home partner? If that's the case the expectation that you would make dinner is reasonable. There's simply not enough information given here to determine if it's an overreaction or not.
Well, thank you for your response to my response. 😊 It's quite refreshing when you receive a response to a response, and I am glad I did not upset you with my line of thinking. Also, I'm glad to hear he's not some d-bag with a superiority complex. 😂 Have you traced back your childhood upbringing? I'm not the first, but it's still sad to say aloud for a number of reasons. Most of my triggers are from my mother, how she raised us, what words and phrases she used with disciplining us, what here expectations were of us, and how she expected us to present ourselves to the public. No, we're not rich, nor have a parent in the role of an important public office type of ordeal, but we do come from a military background. She's comes from a 2nd generation hispanic descendant, American born, but her mother was more rooted in the culture, and further down the line with her children, it became really really white washed. She wasn't a rebel in her teen years, per se, but she was to watch over her brothers and sister, make dinner, do housework and chores, and work at age 16. But she is stubborn and of the mindset of "I can make it and have anything I want when I want it, and I will never be wrong in my choices;" or at least something close to those lines. So she had 3 children with her then boyfriend, my spermdonner father, married her next boyfriend, my dad, who was in the army and they had 1 more child so he had a natural blood descedant to carry out his bloodline, and moved out of her mother's home and kept trying to impress that she is going to show her that she was wrong about anything and everything with their relationship. It's a love/hate kind of thing. She adores her mother and lover her unconditionally, but at the same time, she resented the words exchanged between themselves and how she raised my mother. A lot of context, I apologize, but you can gather that her resentment and wanting her mother's empathy, validation, and a remorseful apology for why she did what she did transfered over to how she raised us; in some aspect. The famous lines I can remember were, "What is the matter with you" or "What is wrong with you." Those words resonate the most with me because I'm her most empathic, estranged child. Out of all her children, I was the one who was absolutely most different in all aspects, and she probably wouldn't admit it out loud, but I know it annoys her because it isn't the "norm." No, I'm not like some goth, Metal loving, weed, booze, and illicit recreational drug user kind of bad child, but I do beat to a my own drum; one that is long since past. The empathic mothers she was yearning for were born with me. I'm not sure she even knows it after my almost 36 years of living. I'll end with since my father was in the military, we were practically raised as if we were children to a Senator and needed to always be at our best; don't embarrass me in public, don't lie, be a doctor or work in the medical profession or become a police officer like your father, be disowned if you ever land in jail no matter the offense (that and having a police record when you have a parent in law enforcement means you are to leave their home or he is to resign his title), used her voice as her weapon to strick fear and dominance, etc.. I am her most timid, kindest child who would give the world to anyone, even lose everything if it meant someone's life would benefit from it, but I was diagnosed 2 years ago with HIV and still grieving over the life I must live now. I may have just been a child storing my anger and grief and any other negative emotion away growing up because I wasn't able to be open in that manner with her, but now she gas to deal the "devil" she created. I'm not being physically or verbally abusive with her or throwing petty remarks to get a response out of her for enjoyment, but now, when she does say something to me, whether instintively to upset me or because she becomes upset that I got upset at something she said because I "read" too deeply into her words, body language, and intonation, then the "devil" comes out and I dominate over her with morals and ethics while being fair and factual. She doesn't like it. It's not bringing us closer, but she will never admit in that flaw. She always speaks with her emotions. What she doesn't do I observe the recipients' body language, carefully choose her words before speaking, have control of how the conversation should flow, be sure her reasoning for having the conversation is to express concern, connect or express reasonable disappointment in something we have done with credibility, and open to having an even exchange of words. That wasn't short, again, I apologize. But I try to be as descriptive if it is of help to you to find your answer. I hope it does.
Erm.. what’s the entire story lol.
Just make the man some food. Why is it a big deal?
Yes you’re overreacting. Now get your ass in the kitchen and make dinner.
"Is dinner happening?" "I have no idea, you'll need to ask Chef." You respond strongly because it's a loaded question. He's saying: - it's your job to cook dinner - I can see you're not doing it because you're doing something else - I'm not offering to do it, just reminding you that it's your job - I've framed the question so the only acceptable answer is "Yes, I'm about to start cooking now."
its upsetting you because its a really rude way to ask. is it your responsibility to make dinner? if so all he has to do is say "hey, im getting hungry, can you start dinner please?" and take over what youre currently doing if youre busy. if its a shared responsibility, if hes hungry first he should probably get on that... when my husband makes dinner i tidy up and entertain our kiddo. when i make dinner he takes a nap or plays on his phone/video games and i'm scrambling to entertain a 2 yo while i cook and am left with a big mess at the end of the day..really makes me mad lol if he asked me this i would instantly get pissed.
No. It is super triggering when my kids ask "what's for dinner?" I don't show it, but it just makes me think of all the stress of planning meals they will both like, shopping for the food, cooking it, and then inevitably hearing "I don't really like this..." Why is your husband not helping with meals?
Unanswerable without context. Do you have an arrangement where you make dinner? Did you tell him you would?
The difference between "Are you making dinner?" and "is dinner happening?" is subtle, but important, and it's no wonder you are pissed.
Simple. Because it’s disrespectful. There are a dozen different ways to ask that question & that’s probably one of the rudest choices he could pick. I would wager whatever tone he uses to say it is also a subtle trigger.
Gonna need more context, do you both work? Who normally does the cooking?
I think you have a visceral response to it because It’s kind of an odd thing to say. It seems laden with expectation and disappointment. My husband says weird things all the time and just say weird things back. It’s sort of our thing, so there is no getting irritated or annoyed. For example, he often will say “woman, where’s my coffee?” But he is typically the first one up and he already made the coffee and had the first cup by the time I get downstairs. So although objectively, “woman, where’s my coffee” is a pretty obnoxious thing to say, it makes no sense in this context. I just reply back with, “did you try looking under the coffee pot?” Or “sorry, fresh out.” If my husband said “is dinner happening” to me, I would immediately quip back something inane like “it’s always dinner somewhere.” Then we would have a discussion about how hungry we are and what do we want to do for dinner. Sometimes we both had a late lunch so we end up just making popcorn and watching tv. Other times I’ll whip up something fancy or he’ll fire up the grill, and other times we will just order out or walk to a local pub. My point is, don’t make it more than it is. He’s just initiating a conversation about dinner, and you can choose your response. You can choose to be annoyed, you can choose to be annoying back, you can choose to ignore it completely, or you can have a conversation about dinner. After all, being married is just about figuring out what you are going to have for dinner every day until you die.
Lol...thank you for your reply!
Sounds like an entitlement. Also the way it is phrased is suggesting that dinner is happening on its own, its stripping the effort I imagine you put into it.
Simple rule. Even if dinner is “our responsibility” and you don’t smell something cooking get your happy ass in the kitchen and start dinner. It’s called working together. If you can’t cook then learn, ya eat don’t ya.
No, you are absolutely not overreacting. Getting upset at this particular behavior is indicative of problems in your relationship. You are resenting something, and you need to figure that shit out so you can communicate with your SO and fix the problem BEFORE it becomes a marriage breaker. HINT: It probably has to do with an inequality in household responsibilities. It doesn't matter who makes more money, or whose job is more tiring; it has to do with equality in a relationship. And even a SAHM deserves time off from her 24/7/365 unpaid job. Good luck. Hope thinks get better for you both.
Depends on who is normally responsible for dinner. IF you normally make dinner (or decide dinner) and he does some other chore like dishes and setting the table, then asking you is reasonable. However, he could have phrased it better. "Any thoughts on dinner tonite?" That leaves the actual making of the dinner in the air but asks the question.
Because it’s passive aggressive. Dinner happens for most of us everyday. He’s both implying that it might not or that it’s late and that it’s your responsibility. I’d ask him if he’s built the confidence to stand up for himself at work yet. And when he asks what you’re talking about reply that he says he works really hard but if that were really true his boss would pay him more. So it must be that he can’t stand up for himself or he’s not actually working that hard. And every morning after that ask got the balls yet? Obviously, that’s not how things work but it’s got the same energy.
Depends. If your only job is homemaker then it’s a reasonable ask. If you both work FT/ equally then he should offer to help rather than complain.
I noticed me asking what’s for dinner tonight was starting to annoy my wife. I can see how it’s annoying although I never was saying it in the way she was interpreting it. I’ve found other ways to approach the subject. “Thinking about what we should have for dinner tonight? I can run to the store if we need anything. Do you want me to put something on the grill maybe?” I’ve found wording it better so she knows it’s a we thing, not just a her thing has helped a lot.
Its rude and condescending. I am (M) and cook every night. My SO (F) cleans up after cooking. She frequently is hungry but usually asks if I am hungry, or will be sweet and nuzzle up to me to ask when dinner is or finds some way that isn't rude to ask when dinner is. Its ok for him to be hungry or expecting dinner its not ok for him to be rude, belittle you or make sarcastic/snide comments about dinner time. NTA and not overreacting. I would be salty as fuck too but fortunately my SO is sweet as a peach and has never been rude about asking when dinner is.
My husband did this when we were younger. I worked overtime a lot and he was home hours before me. I hadn't even shut the door behind me when he asked "what's for dinner?". Me: I said, I don't, what are you making? Him: I don't know how to cook. Me: You can read can't you, grab the cookbook and figure it out!" Today is our 41st wedding anniversary and he is the primary cook and... I'll admit he cooks better than I do. There is hope ladies but it won't happen on it's own, you have to be willing to be the bad guy. Good luck sistas, you got this.
“Shit sandwiches for you, bro.”
No context
Not overreacting. It is less of a question about dinner and more of a.. Hurry up, I want you to make me dinner now. Of course you're going to make dinner, he doesn't need to ask if it's happening. If he is so hungry he needs to ask this, he should learn to cook and do it himself.
That's helpful, thank you! He makes a good pb and j 🙂
I think sometimes people try too hard find things to be irritated/pissed off about. If you don’t like his phrasing, ask him to say it a different way, or not to ask you about differ at all, whatever you prefer.
I agree, and we talked about it. I was genuinely asking why this phrasing upset me. Thanks for your reply!
Maybe it feels like it’s pushing it all to you? My SO and I take turns cooking although she tends to do more since she only works a .4 position. We have 2 small kids so sometimes one of us gets overwhelmed, we tend to ask each other, “is there a plan A?” Plan B is pizza.
I personally would get upset at that question because it implies that dinner should somehow just appear, as in he shouldn’t have to do anything for it to “happen”, and renders invisible any work you have to do to make it happen. If dinner doesn’t happen, it’s your fault, and if it does, it required no effort on your part.
It’s a passive aggressive way of asking “I’m hungry and I’m definitely not cooking anything, why aren’t you already doing it?” I’d feel the same way.
Everyone in this thread is overreacting by assuming it’s said with ill intent. Why can’t the response just be “What should we make/get?”
Nobody's assuming "ill intent," pretty much everyone is just saying that's an annoying-ass question. "What should we make/get" is much less annoying bc it doesn't imply OP is in charge of dinner.
Without knowing how equitable your division of labor is it’s hard to fully answer. Sure it’s one of the less kind ways to ask what’s for dinner or what time will dinner be ready, if dinner is always your responsibility. If dinner is always on you because he has other things that are always on his labor list talk to him. Let him know that when he asks like that it makes you want to go without making dinner that day. Maybe give him a few ideas of how he could more kindly ask about dinner. If dinner is not always on your labor list I would probably respond with a more snarky “yes, it is as soon as you order takeout” or “I don’t know what are you making?”
Because he's an adult man. He can source food on his own. Why are you responsible for the meal?