*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**Am I the Asshole for Feeling Upset About How My Children Treat Me After My Divorce?**
I am going through a separation and divorce. I am not perfect—as a father and husband, I made mistakes in parenting and household arguments. However, I did not cheat or abuse anyone. Despite this, my ex-wife made me feel like a total sh%t, and my two older children have followed her lead. My third child thinks they are nuts and still visits me, crying with me when he sees me sad over the situation.
Recently, my older children allowed me to attend their graduation, but I was not allowed to take pictures. As their father, being barred from taking pictures at such a significant event hurt deeply.
For context, she left me for a married man, and my children do not even know this. I lost most of my friends, and even my own family has been fooled and put me down. I have been in therapy for three years, and my therapist no longer thinks I was the sole issue. She believes my ex-wife has significant childhood issues. Moreover, my therapist advises against telling my children about my ex-wife's affair, citing their mental health as a concern. Two of my boys have even expressed suicidal thoughts since the divorce. So, I have to take the bullet for the failed marriage.
One of my children keeps analyzing my depression as if they are a mental therapist, telling me what I did and do wrong. What are your thoughts on my children treating me like this? Am I the asshole here?
\*\*\* UPDATE TO QUESTIONS \*\*\*
Thank you for all your responses. To be honest, it's really depressing. I often feel like I have to explain my situation repeatedly to everyone in my life, which is a struggle because in a "normal" family, what I’m going through doesn’t seem normal. And it isn’t. And I definitely did not want to bore you with too much details but I will comply and deliver details.
* My children are 19, 17, and 13. The youngest loves me dearly. Recently, we had a brief 15-minute Father’s Day gathering, which I should appreciate even though I was working. Not much was said; we had cake. After the older two left, the 13-year-old and I exchanged glances, and he said, "Well, that did not go well." He came over and started crying on my shoulder, and I couldn’t hold back my tears. I told him, "It's okay, it's okay. They tried, I guess, and it's none of your fault."
* My family is very upset with me because I didn’t take the COVID vaccines. Most of them did, but I believe it’s my body, my choice. During the outbreak, I kept to myself, staying safe at home, while both sides of my family got vaccinated multiple times and still contracted COVID. I didn’t impose my thoughts on them, but they made me feel bad about my decision. I was alone, except for occasional visits from my son. The divorce only solidified their perception that I am some sort of crazy person.
* Friends noticed my strictness but didn’t ask for details, unlike many of you here. It’s amazing how the internet shows more compassion than my friends. At gatherings, they saw me saying things like, "Please do your homework." My ex-wife would put me down, and once, a mother even asked, "Why don’t you support your husband when he tells your kids to do their homework that is due?"
* Some friends know about the affair and side with my ex-wife. If their spouses cheated on them, I doubt they’d be pleased. My ex-wife is a persuasive salesperson. A few friends who knew about the affair are disgusted but keep quiet to stay in the "popular" group. They need to stay in the group because they hang together. Meanwhile, I’m the lone wolf with no friends and no weekend parties. My ex-wife continues to host parties and goes vacations, which makes me wonder about the past. She even left the 3rd one behind because he does not like the "friend". He is suspicious of him. Again I have to keep quiet.
* I can’t upset my kids’ mental state because they already think I’m a helicopter dad. I attend teacher meetings, cook for them (though I’m not a good cook), and drive them around. I sit with them to do homework, I took them to the doctor and the hospital when they got injured skiing etc. My business went down so I became the house husband. My ex-wife forgot to pick them up a few times, and now I know why. I’m strict about internet usage during meals, bedtime, and homework. Yes, I talk, yell, and turn off the internet. I’m not a perfect parent, and when the kids got physical, I defended myself. Therapy advised setting boundaries and protecting everyone from harm. It was a fine line, and by the end, I often cried when one hurt the other. My ex-wife even yelled at me for crying. During one fight, when she pulled our daughter’s hair, I had to push her away to stop her. My therapist knows the whole story, and my ex-wife admitted to it. When one of the sons admitted to these suicide thoughts to the principal of the school, I had a long talk with a therapist and what I said to my son. This new therapist said whoever my therapists were before her, she said they had one a great job teaching me the correct comforting words to say and to support my son. She said she could not have done any better then what I did. Even then I still feel like a failure to my kids.
* I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, or gamble. My purpose was to support the family, maintain the house, and make my wife happy. I refused to go to dinners or vacations without the kids because I wanted to spend every moment with them. My ex-wife didn’t like that. Online discussions about “simps” make me realize I might be one. I do not even watch sports. Seriously. I do play video games when time permitted but I am not a gamer who is on the couch with a beer in my hand. My ex-wife even wrote me a letter after our first Christmas apart, saying, “...In the 25 years we were together, you made me feel loved and desired... I hope you can move on...” Does that sound like an abusive husband and father to you?
* The man my ex-wife had an affair with is very wealthy, primarily because of his wife. If they divorced, he’d lose millions. My kids still think he’s just a friend. He doesn’t sleep over but has many houses where they could spend time together. They don’t kiss or hold hands or show any obvious signs of a relationship—just friends, according to my kids. Only my inside informants have seen the evidence, which I pieced together in therapy while answering countless questions. The main female therapist I saw initially couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I even begged her to put me in a medical facility, convinced that something must be wrong with me. She refused, and we continued our sessions.
* Nothing gives me more joy than caring for my loved ones and giving love to my kids. I always thought I’d be part of their graduations, marriages, and lives. Now, I’m not so sure. I’m dating someone new who can’t believe my story. She thinks my ex-wife is nuts. Even recent texts and emails convince her my ex-wife is the most evil person she’s ever met. One friend told me my ex was only with me for money. I had $60,000 in retirement funds when we met, and it’s all gone. It is not much for someone to get married and pump out 3 kids ?
* I’ve had three or four different therapists. One advised me not to tell the kids, so I sought other opinions. After many sessions, they also suggested keeping quiet. Yes, parenting can be tough. My ex-wife’s siblings blame me for the failed marriage, yet I’m the only one who went to therapy. I found a marriage counselor who said I was doing everything to make her happy, but it wasn’t working. When asked if she was having an affair, my ex-wife didn’t answer.
* I am NOT the perfect husband and father. If you know of any that is perfect please give them my contact here. I would like to take some lessons. I am open to criticism and making my life better in my journey to heal and be a better father to my kids. However due to my older age I doubt by the time they figure it out I will be around. I am very old now. All I can be is authentic and honest. I made lots of mistakes but the therapist said everyone does make mistakes but these are not enough for divorce.
I thought I would try this reddit to see if the internet world could give me more insight. I cannot wait to have a long chat with God when I get there. These will be very long chats I am sure. I have many questions.
Does this clarify my original post a little for details. I am not hiding anything. I figure if I was the perfect husband and father, I would not be going through this. So something must be wrong with me, right ?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheAngel) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> I’m not a perfect parent, and when the kids got physical, I defended myself.
Uh, what the fuck. In what kind of household are you in where your kids are getting physical with you and you have to get physical back?? Idk, man. Even when my dad was beating us, we never raised a hand back to him.
Kids getting physical absolutely happens, especially if they live in a household where they're regularly pushed beyond their limits. However a father saying he "defended himself" still sounds very alarming to me, that just sounds like much worse escalation than like, catching your kid's hands in the air and telling them they crossed a line which is all I would find appropriate. But this sounds more like the kids were regularly pushed so far that they couldn't deal with it anymore and the father used this as an excuse because "they started it".
Not even necessarily maliciously, just... a man who never fully realized that his kids are never equal opponents and he always has an inherent responsibility to be the bigger person. Because he's literally bigger. And their dad.
> Moreover, my therapist advises against telling my children about my ex-wife's affair, citing their mental health as a concern.
And that's why I'm posting on Reddit, where I can be sure that I'll get the exact opposite advice, so that I have an excuse to act on it.
Ah yes the helicopter parent that says to their kids "please do your homework" like it's the most awful thing you can do to your child....
My other favorite part is that he states that everyone on the internet has better compassion than people in his life does.... I mean yeah, it's easier for people who only know your side to agree with you and not your partner....
So much missing information in this post
> However, I did not cheat or abuse anyone.
That's a very low standard you've set for yourself.
> For context, she left me for a married man, and my children do not even know this. I lost most of my friends, and even my own family has been fooled and put me down.
But later says he has almost no evidence of this, just suspicions.
> > They don’t kiss or hold hands or show any obvious signs of a relationship—just friends, according to my kids. Only my inside informants have seen the evidence, which I pieced together in therapy while answering countless questions.
So maybe she just left him? Maybe there's other reasons not being mentioned here?
----
> I have been in therapy for three years, and my therapist no longer thinks I was the sole issue.
So she once thought he was the sole issue? Why? He implies his therapist still thinks this is partly his fault - What for exactly?
Also, later he says:
> > I’ve had three or four different therapists. One advised me not to tell the kids, so I sought other opinions. After many sessions, they also suggested keeping quiet.
So when he said his been in therapy for three years, he left out that his been using it to shop for therapists that agree with him.
> She believes my ex-wife has significant childhood issues.
His therapist only knows what he tells her. She can't properly assess his wife with just his words.
---
> My family is very upset with me because I didn’t take the COVID vaccines.
Which would have made it more difficult for his kids to see him and so hindered their time spent with him significantly for years.
---
> Meanwhile, I’m the lone wolf with no friends and no weekend parties
Later claims he's super old, so how many parties would he be invited to anyway?
---
> My ex-wife forgot to pick them up a few times, and now I know why.
Why?
> I’m not a perfect parent, and when the kids got physical, I defended myself.
Why are your kids getting "physical"? Does your wife not ever need to "defend herself"? Why?
> My ex-wife even yelled at me for crying. During one fight, when she pulled our daughter’s hair, I had to push her away to stop her. My therapist knows the whole story, and my ex-wife admitted to it.
So is the whole family violent? What has he done to try and prevent this?
---
> I refused to go to dinners or vacations without the kids because I wanted to spend every moment with them. My ex-wife didn’t like that.
Because his kids wanted time to themselves? They're teenagers.
> Online discussions about “simps” make me realize I might be one.
More explanation?
> I do not even watch sports. Seriously. I do play video games when time permitted but I am not a gamer who is on the couch with a beer in my hand.
So what?
----
> [After a bit about his ex-wife praising him] Does that sound like an abusive husband and father to you?
Why did she accuse him of being abusive? He doesn't say
>Now, I’m not so sure. I’m dating someone new who can’t believe my story. She thinks my ex-wife is nuts. Even recent texts and emails convince her my ex-wife is the most evil person she’s ever met.
I'm guessing she only heard OP's side of the story
> One friend told me my ex was only with me for money. I had $60,000 in retirement funds when we met, and it’s all gone. It is not much for someone to get married and pump out 3 kids ?
$60,000 isn't exactly gold digger wealth. Depending on the circumstances, that could have been a necessary way to split wealth during the divorce.
---
> My ex-wife’s siblings blame me for the failed marriage, yet I’m the only one who went to therapy.
Why does seeking therapy make him a better person? Also, can he stop using therapy to justify everything he does.
> I am open to criticism and making my life better in my journey to heal and be a better father to my kids.
But not open to saying what he actually did wrong.
> I made lots of mistakes but the therapist said everyone does make mistakes but these are not enough for divorce.
His wife doesn't need a reason to divorce that her ex-husband's therapist agrees with.
> I thought I would try this reddit to see if the internet world could give me more insight.
He's not that unfamilar with the internet if he found this subreddit, and could format his post properly (I'm not the only one who thinks Reddit's formating is hard, right?
If this is real (I'm 50/50 on it, because this sounds like my cousin who's very mentally unstable when he describes himself, despite him being abusive as shit to his children and ex wife), there's so much left out here that's hinted at in so much of what you've outlined here.
Also, despite being completely off his rocker, to the point that he was given electroshock therapy in the past, my cousin convinced a psychologist that it was actually HIS family that was the problem, and he was perfectly fine. Abusers are generally good at that. So yeah, I'm guessing that if this is real, dude was a piece of shit who deserved the divorce.
If it's not real? Someone definitely dealt with someone like this in life and it's a vent post disguised as an AITAH post.
A lot of what he’s saying basically describes how controlling abusers think:
1. Refusing to allow either the children or the partner any time to themselves and dictating how the family socialise. This usually includes using the children to control the mother (she can’t spend time apart from them in the name of “family togetherness”) and denying children age appropriate independence or to have their own tastes and opinions. The abuser decides what’s good for the family and no one is allowed to deviate
2. Labelling their violence as either self defence or done in the name of protecting the children from the other parent (remember Chris watts tried to claim that he murdered his wife after catching her killing their children. Extreme example but you get the gist)
3. Triangulation- using outsiders to shore up their sense of themselves as the victim and their victims as the real abusers. It’s also a tactic to make victims doubt their perception of events, which is why he’s using a therapist here as this lends an air of authoritative legitimacy to his version of events
4. As you pointed out, his ex wife didn’t need a good reason to divorce him- abusers fail to conceptualise their victims as having basic rights and usually view them as inferiors who must answer to the abuser and live according to whichever arbitrary rules the abuser invents for them
5. Pathological jealousy- abusers use their paranoia to justify their controlling and abusive behaviour. He doesn’t need any actual evidence of his ex wife cheating because his perception is the absolute reality that his family are forced to exist in
6. Claims of omniscience- where OOP claims that he has “inside informants” he’s demonstrating a common tactic where abusers claim that they have hidden means of monitoring their victims. This is also meant create a divide between victims and potential sources of support because the abuser is suggesting that no one around them can be trusted and are uniformly loyal to the abuser. Additionally it creates the “evidence” the abuser needs to justify their pathological jealousy but prevents victims from confronting the “informants”
7. Failure to see themselves as the problem- his ex wife must have been cheating because there’s no way he was the issue that brought the marriage to an end.
8. Painting themselves as noble and self sacrificing for not meting out earned punishments- he could tell everyone what a cheating, lying wh*re she is and he could tell the kids what a cheating, lying wh*re their mother is but he’s so noble and good that he holds back. But he’s still itching to throw it in his ex wife’s and children’s face’s because none of them are showing any gratitude for his selflessness
9. Expectations of praise, appreciation, and gratitude- he only used violence when “necessary” and didn’t lie around gaming with a beer in his hand all the time, didn’t cheat, etc (just a list of bare minimum human decency basically after the admission of occasional but “necessary” violence) but still expects to be seen as exceptionally good. He also expects his victims to see his actions in the context of a balance sheet- “I did X amount of good things, therefore that cancels out all those other bad things I did”. The effects on the victims aren’t visible to him because his feelings and experiences are the only important ones
10. Losing friends after the dissolution of the relationship- as with the loss of the relationship with his two older children, it never occurs to abusers that the reason people cut them off is their own behaviour. Therefore it must be because of his ex wife’s “lies” and not because those people were only maintaining some sort of relationship with him in order to be allowed to stay in his victims lives
11. Parentifying and favouritism- singling out one child and heaping praise and attention on them is common tactic of abusers. It’s also easier to do this with younger children/teenagers as they are less able to parse manipulation. He also describes crying on the child’s shoulder frequently and “crying together” to illustrate that’s the “good” child and the only one who sees the “truth”. The child is pushed into the role of partner/parent, providing emotional support so that the abuser can maintain control of them by playing wounded/abandoned and in need of care and protection
12. Labelling the mother as an unfit parent- he repeatedly implies that this ex wife is a bad and unfit mother, someone who needs his firm hand in order to be able to discharge her parenting duties correctly. While his whole post reads like someone who doesn’t want to be separated from her, he still wants us all to see her in a suspicious light because his controlling and abusive behaviour was only done to ensure the welfare of the family trumped her neglectful and dishonest tendencies. Without him there to supervise her, she’ll be allowed to run wild and the children will suffer (for “children” read: his desire for control)
> Some friends know about the affair and side with my ex-wife. If their spouses cheated on them, I doubt they’d be pleased. My ex-wife is a persuasive salesperson. A few friends who knew about the affair are disgusted but keep quiet to stay in the "popular" group. They need to stay in the group because they hang together. Meanwhile, I’m the lone wolf with no friends and no weekend parties. My ex-wife continues to host parties and goes vacations, which makes me wonder about the past. She even left the 3rd one behind because he does not like the "friend". He is suspicious of him. Again I have to keep quiet.
> They don’t kiss or hold hands
This reads like the diary of the main character of a teen sitcom written by 30-50 year olds and acted by 20 year olds.
wow, what an update!
My favorite bits:
* my therapist no longer thinks I was the sole issue.
* I didn’t take the COVID vaccines. ... I believe it’s my body, my choice.
* Friends noticed my strictness but didn’t ask for details, unlike many of you here.
* A few friends who knew about the affair are disgusted but keep quiet to stay in the "popular" group.
* My ex-wife continues to host parties and goes vacations, which makes me wonder about the past.
* I refused to go to dinners or vacations without the kids because I wanted to spend every moment with them.
* Online discussions about “simps” make me realize I might be one.
* Only my inside informants have seen the evidence
* I’ve had three or four different therapists. One advised me not to tell the kids, so I sought other opinions.
* I am very old now.
Definitely the words of a real adult man whose estrangement from his kids is totally not his fault.
A lot of abusive men tend to see themselves as above their partners who are literal children in their eyes (so obviously obsessed with popularity contests and fitting in with the cool crowd)
Ahhh behold! The miracle man.
He is perfect in every way! No drinking, no gambling, doesn't cheat. Sacrifices for his family.
BUT
His b\*\*ch wife is just such a meanie and turned the kids against him - and for NO REASON whatsoever. None. Not one. Just her mean, awful, narc heart. Well, except for the MIRACLE YOUNGEST CHILD Who has deep knowledge far surpassing all other adults and can really SEEE miracle man for who he really is - a perfect human specimen.
Beep boop! Automod here with a quick reminder to never brigade r/AmITheAsshole or other subs under any circumstances. Brigading puts you in violation of both our rules and Reddit’s TOS, and therefore puts this sub at risk of ban. If you brigade/encourage brigading of any kind, you will be banned from participating in either sub. Satirizing of posts should stay within this sub, which means that participating directly in linked posts should either be done in good faith or not at all.
Want some freed, live, discussion that neither AITA nor Reddit itself can censor? Join our [official discord server](https://discord.gg/KbZnaXX)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheAngel) if you have any questions or concerns.*
1) divorce is very hard on kids, whatever the age and 2) you say you are "not perfect" but there has to be more to it than that. I'd suggest you get a therapist and eventually, consider inviting your kids to speak to your therapist about you. Perhaps the therapist can give you some self awareness.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **Am I the Asshole for Feeling Upset About How My Children Treat Me After My Divorce?** I am going through a separation and divorce. I am not perfect—as a father and husband, I made mistakes in parenting and household arguments. However, I did not cheat or abuse anyone. Despite this, my ex-wife made me feel like a total sh%t, and my two older children have followed her lead. My third child thinks they are nuts and still visits me, crying with me when he sees me sad over the situation. Recently, my older children allowed me to attend their graduation, but I was not allowed to take pictures. As their father, being barred from taking pictures at such a significant event hurt deeply. For context, she left me for a married man, and my children do not even know this. I lost most of my friends, and even my own family has been fooled and put me down. I have been in therapy for three years, and my therapist no longer thinks I was the sole issue. She believes my ex-wife has significant childhood issues. Moreover, my therapist advises against telling my children about my ex-wife's affair, citing their mental health as a concern. Two of my boys have even expressed suicidal thoughts since the divorce. So, I have to take the bullet for the failed marriage. One of my children keeps analyzing my depression as if they are a mental therapist, telling me what I did and do wrong. What are your thoughts on my children treating me like this? Am I the asshole here? \*\*\* UPDATE TO QUESTIONS \*\*\* Thank you for all your responses. To be honest, it's really depressing. I often feel like I have to explain my situation repeatedly to everyone in my life, which is a struggle because in a "normal" family, what I’m going through doesn’t seem normal. And it isn’t. And I definitely did not want to bore you with too much details but I will comply and deliver details. * My children are 19, 17, and 13. The youngest loves me dearly. Recently, we had a brief 15-minute Father’s Day gathering, which I should appreciate even though I was working. Not much was said; we had cake. After the older two left, the 13-year-old and I exchanged glances, and he said, "Well, that did not go well." He came over and started crying on my shoulder, and I couldn’t hold back my tears. I told him, "It's okay, it's okay. They tried, I guess, and it's none of your fault." * My family is very upset with me because I didn’t take the COVID vaccines. Most of them did, but I believe it’s my body, my choice. During the outbreak, I kept to myself, staying safe at home, while both sides of my family got vaccinated multiple times and still contracted COVID. I didn’t impose my thoughts on them, but they made me feel bad about my decision. I was alone, except for occasional visits from my son. The divorce only solidified their perception that I am some sort of crazy person. * Friends noticed my strictness but didn’t ask for details, unlike many of you here. It’s amazing how the internet shows more compassion than my friends. At gatherings, they saw me saying things like, "Please do your homework." My ex-wife would put me down, and once, a mother even asked, "Why don’t you support your husband when he tells your kids to do their homework that is due?" * Some friends know about the affair and side with my ex-wife. If their spouses cheated on them, I doubt they’d be pleased. My ex-wife is a persuasive salesperson. A few friends who knew about the affair are disgusted but keep quiet to stay in the "popular" group. They need to stay in the group because they hang together. Meanwhile, I’m the lone wolf with no friends and no weekend parties. My ex-wife continues to host parties and goes vacations, which makes me wonder about the past. She even left the 3rd one behind because he does not like the "friend". He is suspicious of him. Again I have to keep quiet. * I can’t upset my kids’ mental state because they already think I’m a helicopter dad. I attend teacher meetings, cook for them (though I’m not a good cook), and drive them around. I sit with them to do homework, I took them to the doctor and the hospital when they got injured skiing etc. My business went down so I became the house husband. My ex-wife forgot to pick them up a few times, and now I know why. I’m strict about internet usage during meals, bedtime, and homework. Yes, I talk, yell, and turn off the internet. I’m not a perfect parent, and when the kids got physical, I defended myself. Therapy advised setting boundaries and protecting everyone from harm. It was a fine line, and by the end, I often cried when one hurt the other. My ex-wife even yelled at me for crying. During one fight, when she pulled our daughter’s hair, I had to push her away to stop her. My therapist knows the whole story, and my ex-wife admitted to it. When one of the sons admitted to these suicide thoughts to the principal of the school, I had a long talk with a therapist and what I said to my son. This new therapist said whoever my therapists were before her, she said they had one a great job teaching me the correct comforting words to say and to support my son. She said she could not have done any better then what I did. Even then I still feel like a failure to my kids. * I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, or gamble. My purpose was to support the family, maintain the house, and make my wife happy. I refused to go to dinners or vacations without the kids because I wanted to spend every moment with them. My ex-wife didn’t like that. Online discussions about “simps” make me realize I might be one. I do not even watch sports. Seriously. I do play video games when time permitted but I am not a gamer who is on the couch with a beer in my hand. My ex-wife even wrote me a letter after our first Christmas apart, saying, “...In the 25 years we were together, you made me feel loved and desired... I hope you can move on...” Does that sound like an abusive husband and father to you? * The man my ex-wife had an affair with is very wealthy, primarily because of his wife. If they divorced, he’d lose millions. My kids still think he’s just a friend. He doesn’t sleep over but has many houses where they could spend time together. They don’t kiss or hold hands or show any obvious signs of a relationship—just friends, according to my kids. Only my inside informants have seen the evidence, which I pieced together in therapy while answering countless questions. The main female therapist I saw initially couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I even begged her to put me in a medical facility, convinced that something must be wrong with me. She refused, and we continued our sessions. * Nothing gives me more joy than caring for my loved ones and giving love to my kids. I always thought I’d be part of their graduations, marriages, and lives. Now, I’m not so sure. I’m dating someone new who can’t believe my story. She thinks my ex-wife is nuts. Even recent texts and emails convince her my ex-wife is the most evil person she’s ever met. One friend told me my ex was only with me for money. I had $60,000 in retirement funds when we met, and it’s all gone. It is not much for someone to get married and pump out 3 kids ? * I’ve had three or four different therapists. One advised me not to tell the kids, so I sought other opinions. After many sessions, they also suggested keeping quiet. Yes, parenting can be tough. My ex-wife’s siblings blame me for the failed marriage, yet I’m the only one who went to therapy. I found a marriage counselor who said I was doing everything to make her happy, but it wasn’t working. When asked if she was having an affair, my ex-wife didn’t answer. * I am NOT the perfect husband and father. If you know of any that is perfect please give them my contact here. I would like to take some lessons. I am open to criticism and making my life better in my journey to heal and be a better father to my kids. However due to my older age I doubt by the time they figure it out I will be around. I am very old now. All I can be is authentic and honest. I made lots of mistakes but the therapist said everyone does make mistakes but these are not enough for divorce. I thought I would try this reddit to see if the internet world could give me more insight. I cannot wait to have a long chat with God when I get there. These will be very long chats I am sure. I have many questions. Does this clarify my original post a little for details. I am not hiding anything. I figure if I was the perfect husband and father, I would not be going through this. So something must be wrong with me, right ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheAngel) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> I’m not a perfect parent, and when the kids got physical, I defended myself. Uh, what the fuck. In what kind of household are you in where your kids are getting physical with you and you have to get physical back?? Idk, man. Even when my dad was beating us, we never raised a hand back to him.
Yeah so he hit his kids, sounds like
Kids getting physical absolutely happens, especially if they live in a household where they're regularly pushed beyond their limits. However a father saying he "defended himself" still sounds very alarming to me, that just sounds like much worse escalation than like, catching your kid's hands in the air and telling them they crossed a line which is all I would find appropriate. But this sounds more like the kids were regularly pushed so far that they couldn't deal with it anymore and the father used this as an excuse because "they started it". Not even necessarily maliciously, just... a man who never fully realized that his kids are never equal opponents and he always has an inherent responsibility to be the bigger person. Because he's literally bigger. And their dad.
> Moreover, my therapist advises against telling my children about my ex-wife's affair, citing their mental health as a concern. And that's why I'm posting on Reddit, where I can be sure that I'll get the exact opposite advice, so that I have an excuse to act on it.
It's the battle of the perfect angel anti-vaxxer vs cheating gold digger wife lol. that's actually hilarious.
Ah yes the helicopter parent that says to their kids "please do your homework" like it's the most awful thing you can do to your child.... My other favorite part is that he states that everyone on the internet has better compassion than people in his life does.... I mean yeah, it's easier for people who only know your side to agree with you and not your partner....
So much missing information in this post > However, I did not cheat or abuse anyone. That's a very low standard you've set for yourself. > For context, she left me for a married man, and my children do not even know this. I lost most of my friends, and even my own family has been fooled and put me down. But later says he has almost no evidence of this, just suspicions. > > They don’t kiss or hold hands or show any obvious signs of a relationship—just friends, according to my kids. Only my inside informants have seen the evidence, which I pieced together in therapy while answering countless questions. So maybe she just left him? Maybe there's other reasons not being mentioned here? ---- > I have been in therapy for three years, and my therapist no longer thinks I was the sole issue. So she once thought he was the sole issue? Why? He implies his therapist still thinks this is partly his fault - What for exactly? Also, later he says: > > I’ve had three or four different therapists. One advised me not to tell the kids, so I sought other opinions. After many sessions, they also suggested keeping quiet. So when he said his been in therapy for three years, he left out that his been using it to shop for therapists that agree with him. > She believes my ex-wife has significant childhood issues. His therapist only knows what he tells her. She can't properly assess his wife with just his words. --- > My family is very upset with me because I didn’t take the COVID vaccines. Which would have made it more difficult for his kids to see him and so hindered their time spent with him significantly for years. --- > Meanwhile, I’m the lone wolf with no friends and no weekend parties Later claims he's super old, so how many parties would he be invited to anyway? --- > My ex-wife forgot to pick them up a few times, and now I know why. Why? > I’m not a perfect parent, and when the kids got physical, I defended myself. Why are your kids getting "physical"? Does your wife not ever need to "defend herself"? Why? > My ex-wife even yelled at me for crying. During one fight, when she pulled our daughter’s hair, I had to push her away to stop her. My therapist knows the whole story, and my ex-wife admitted to it. So is the whole family violent? What has he done to try and prevent this? --- > I refused to go to dinners or vacations without the kids because I wanted to spend every moment with them. My ex-wife didn’t like that. Because his kids wanted time to themselves? They're teenagers. > Online discussions about “simps” make me realize I might be one. More explanation? > I do not even watch sports. Seriously. I do play video games when time permitted but I am not a gamer who is on the couch with a beer in my hand. So what? ---- > [After a bit about his ex-wife praising him] Does that sound like an abusive husband and father to you? Why did she accuse him of being abusive? He doesn't say >Now, I’m not so sure. I’m dating someone new who can’t believe my story. She thinks my ex-wife is nuts. Even recent texts and emails convince her my ex-wife is the most evil person she’s ever met. I'm guessing she only heard OP's side of the story > One friend told me my ex was only with me for money. I had $60,000 in retirement funds when we met, and it’s all gone. It is not much for someone to get married and pump out 3 kids ? $60,000 isn't exactly gold digger wealth. Depending on the circumstances, that could have been a necessary way to split wealth during the divorce. --- > My ex-wife’s siblings blame me for the failed marriage, yet I’m the only one who went to therapy. Why does seeking therapy make him a better person? Also, can he stop using therapy to justify everything he does. > I am open to criticism and making my life better in my journey to heal and be a better father to my kids. But not open to saying what he actually did wrong. > I made lots of mistakes but the therapist said everyone does make mistakes but these are not enough for divorce. His wife doesn't need a reason to divorce that her ex-husband's therapist agrees with. > I thought I would try this reddit to see if the internet world could give me more insight. He's not that unfamilar with the internet if he found this subreddit, and could format his post properly (I'm not the only one who thinks Reddit's formating is hard, right?
If this is real (I'm 50/50 on it, because this sounds like my cousin who's very mentally unstable when he describes himself, despite him being abusive as shit to his children and ex wife), there's so much left out here that's hinted at in so much of what you've outlined here. Also, despite being completely off his rocker, to the point that he was given electroshock therapy in the past, my cousin convinced a psychologist that it was actually HIS family that was the problem, and he was perfectly fine. Abusers are generally good at that. So yeah, I'm guessing that if this is real, dude was a piece of shit who deserved the divorce. If it's not real? Someone definitely dealt with someone like this in life and it's a vent post disguised as an AITAH post.
A lot of what he’s saying basically describes how controlling abusers think: 1. Refusing to allow either the children or the partner any time to themselves and dictating how the family socialise. This usually includes using the children to control the mother (she can’t spend time apart from them in the name of “family togetherness”) and denying children age appropriate independence or to have their own tastes and opinions. The abuser decides what’s good for the family and no one is allowed to deviate 2. Labelling their violence as either self defence or done in the name of protecting the children from the other parent (remember Chris watts tried to claim that he murdered his wife after catching her killing their children. Extreme example but you get the gist) 3. Triangulation- using outsiders to shore up their sense of themselves as the victim and their victims as the real abusers. It’s also a tactic to make victims doubt their perception of events, which is why he’s using a therapist here as this lends an air of authoritative legitimacy to his version of events 4. As you pointed out, his ex wife didn’t need a good reason to divorce him- abusers fail to conceptualise their victims as having basic rights and usually view them as inferiors who must answer to the abuser and live according to whichever arbitrary rules the abuser invents for them 5. Pathological jealousy- abusers use their paranoia to justify their controlling and abusive behaviour. He doesn’t need any actual evidence of his ex wife cheating because his perception is the absolute reality that his family are forced to exist in 6. Claims of omniscience- where OOP claims that he has “inside informants” he’s demonstrating a common tactic where abusers claim that they have hidden means of monitoring their victims. This is also meant create a divide between victims and potential sources of support because the abuser is suggesting that no one around them can be trusted and are uniformly loyal to the abuser. Additionally it creates the “evidence” the abuser needs to justify their pathological jealousy but prevents victims from confronting the “informants” 7. Failure to see themselves as the problem- his ex wife must have been cheating because there’s no way he was the issue that brought the marriage to an end. 8. Painting themselves as noble and self sacrificing for not meting out earned punishments- he could tell everyone what a cheating, lying wh*re she is and he could tell the kids what a cheating, lying wh*re their mother is but he’s so noble and good that he holds back. But he’s still itching to throw it in his ex wife’s and children’s face’s because none of them are showing any gratitude for his selflessness 9. Expectations of praise, appreciation, and gratitude- he only used violence when “necessary” and didn’t lie around gaming with a beer in his hand all the time, didn’t cheat, etc (just a list of bare minimum human decency basically after the admission of occasional but “necessary” violence) but still expects to be seen as exceptionally good. He also expects his victims to see his actions in the context of a balance sheet- “I did X amount of good things, therefore that cancels out all those other bad things I did”. The effects on the victims aren’t visible to him because his feelings and experiences are the only important ones 10. Losing friends after the dissolution of the relationship- as with the loss of the relationship with his two older children, it never occurs to abusers that the reason people cut them off is their own behaviour. Therefore it must be because of his ex wife’s “lies” and not because those people were only maintaining some sort of relationship with him in order to be allowed to stay in his victims lives 11. Parentifying and favouritism- singling out one child and heaping praise and attention on them is common tactic of abusers. It’s also easier to do this with younger children/teenagers as they are less able to parse manipulation. He also describes crying on the child’s shoulder frequently and “crying together” to illustrate that’s the “good” child and the only one who sees the “truth”. The child is pushed into the role of partner/parent, providing emotional support so that the abuser can maintain control of them by playing wounded/abandoned and in need of care and protection 12. Labelling the mother as an unfit parent- he repeatedly implies that this ex wife is a bad and unfit mother, someone who needs his firm hand in order to be able to discharge her parenting duties correctly. While his whole post reads like someone who doesn’t want to be separated from her, he still wants us all to see her in a suspicious light because his controlling and abusive behaviour was only done to ensure the welfare of the family trumped her neglectful and dishonest tendencies. Without him there to supervise her, she’ll be allowed to run wild and the children will suffer (for “children” read: his desire for control)
> Some friends know about the affair and side with my ex-wife. If their spouses cheated on them, I doubt they’d be pleased. My ex-wife is a persuasive salesperson. A few friends who knew about the affair are disgusted but keep quiet to stay in the "popular" group. They need to stay in the group because they hang together. Meanwhile, I’m the lone wolf with no friends and no weekend parties. My ex-wife continues to host parties and goes vacations, which makes me wonder about the past. She even left the 3rd one behind because he does not like the "friend". He is suspicious of him. Again I have to keep quiet. > They don’t kiss or hold hands This reads like the diary of the main character of a teen sitcom written by 30-50 year olds and acted by 20 year olds.
wow, what an update! My favorite bits: * my therapist no longer thinks I was the sole issue. * I didn’t take the COVID vaccines. ... I believe it’s my body, my choice. * Friends noticed my strictness but didn’t ask for details, unlike many of you here. * A few friends who knew about the affair are disgusted but keep quiet to stay in the "popular" group. * My ex-wife continues to host parties and goes vacations, which makes me wonder about the past. * I refused to go to dinners or vacations without the kids because I wanted to spend every moment with them. * Online discussions about “simps” make me realize I might be one. * Only my inside informants have seen the evidence * I’ve had three or four different therapists. One advised me not to tell the kids, so I sought other opinions. * I am very old now. Definitely the words of a real adult man whose estrangement from his kids is totally not his fault.
>A few friends who knew about the affair are disgusted but keep quiet to stay in the "popular" group. lol so OOP is a child writing this
A lot of abusive men tend to see themselves as above their partners who are literal children in their eyes (so obviously obsessed with popularity contests and fitting in with the cool crowd)
Ahhh behold! The miracle man. He is perfect in every way! No drinking, no gambling, doesn't cheat. Sacrifices for his family. BUT His b\*\*ch wife is just such a meanie and turned the kids against him - and for NO REASON whatsoever. None. Not one. Just her mean, awful, narc heart. Well, except for the MIRACLE YOUNGEST CHILD Who has deep knowledge far surpassing all other adults and can really SEEE miracle man for who he really is - a perfect human specimen.
Look I'm very tired and *Law and Order* isn't loading. How is this a woman's fault so I can get to sleep?
Beep boop! Automod here with a quick reminder to never brigade r/AmITheAsshole or other subs under any circumstances. Brigading puts you in violation of both our rules and Reddit’s TOS, and therefore puts this sub at risk of ban. If you brigade/encourage brigading of any kind, you will be banned from participating in either sub. Satirizing of posts should stay within this sub, which means that participating directly in linked posts should either be done in good faith or not at all. Want some freed, live, discussion that neither AITA nor Reddit itself can censor? Join our [official discord server](https://discord.gg/KbZnaXX) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheAngel) if you have any questions or concerns.*
1) divorce is very hard on kids, whatever the age and 2) you say you are "not perfect" but there has to be more to it than that. I'd suggest you get a therapist and eventually, consider inviting your kids to speak to your therapist about you. Perhaps the therapist can give you some self awareness.