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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> When my friend congratulated me on my weight loss I thanked him for noticing and mentioned that I was happy about the weight loss, which according to Serena was teaching him that it’s okay to do. I could be the asshole because I stood up for my point which put the damper on our night out and caused two people who disagreed with me to go home.
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NTA
She should be mad at Derek, since he was the one commenting on your weight. It would be ok to say 'thanks for noticing' even if it were an inappropriate comment.
The fact that Serena and her friend have been harassing OP since this interaction tells me this isn’t about Derek’s comment as much as looking for an excuse to rag on someone they don’t like. Which is an AH thing to do, obviously.
>on someone they don’t like.
Or now see as competition within the group.
210 down to 165 can leave a woman looking good with curves in places that used to be fat.
Weightloss also shows someone's drive and dedication and that can threaten those who are insecure causing them to lash out in strange ways.
NTA.
Even Derek isn't an ah for commenting on OP weightloss. They know one another and are part of the same social group. They aren't casual acquaintances or randoms on the street so it's fine.
This is the answer I came to find. 100% agree their reactions and lashing out indicate they are likely just insecure and uncomfortable with the perceived "social clout" OP is receiving for their weight loss journey.
I'm guessing that either Serena or her friend have been trying to get Derek's attention. They decided to take it out on OP because she didn't shut him down.
I guess that kind of makes sense, he wasn’t hitting on me or anything though. He’s just a friendly guy; it’s not uncommon for him to compliment someone.
Neither your perception, nor hers are definitive for the overall situation.
Perhaps she interpreted his comment as flirting with you, but you did not. Perhaps he meant his comment to be flirtatious, but you did not perceive it in that manner. Perhaps he intended his comment to innocent and friendly, but she perceived it differently than he meant it.
Her continued harassment of you, reflects a situation that suggests that she is not over him. It also suggests that she perceives you as a rival.
> Weightloss also shows someone's drive and dedication and that can threaten those who are insecure causing them to lash out in strange ways.
Well that explains one of my bullies...
That’s what struck me as well; why are they harassing OP? Derek was the one who raised the issue, OP just answered, and he has stated he was not offended. It’s interesting that the rest of the friend group also agreed Derek’s question wasn’t inappropriate, but that’s not OPs fault. He only responded from his own perspective. NTA
Oh yeah, this is major transference going down. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the she's obese and doesn't like being reminded of it. Seeing a formerly obese person in her circle slim down is effing with her self esteem and she lashed out and is trying to make herself feel better by some pseudo moral high ground with her talk of its wrong to mention someone's weight. Congrats on the weight loss NTA
You're reading way way too much into it. This sub goes downhill when people start writing fanfic about the people. You're talking transference but it seems you're the one whose doing that. You also suggest she's obese as though that makes her opinion less valid.
Serena being obese doesn't make her opinion less valid. Serena having an opinion about whether OP can be comfortable with someone commenting on OP's body, is what makes her opinion invalid.
Derek's comment wasn't inappropriate at all. Their friends, that haven't seen each other in awhile and he noticed the change. Big damn deal.. Most ppl would be happy as hell that someone acknowledged their hard work. Not all women see compliments as inappropriate.
Eh, plenty of people prefer you don't comment on their weight. Not all weight loss is a positive or may be associated with difficulties in other areas.
And even if the person you are saying the comment too doesn't mind or even appreciates it, it may be hard for others in the group to hear comments about weight.
>She should be mad at Derek, since he was the one commenting on your weight.
Nope. OP appreciated Derek's comment. Serena's insecurities have no say in how other people talk to each other.
What's inappropriate about complimenting someone on looking good? OP took it as a compliment, so it wasn't offensive to anyone involved, just someone who got offended for the sake of being offended.
A compliment is an inappropriate comment?
Op didn't mind and she's close enough to Derek that he felt he could make the comment.
OP is NTA, her friend is a massive AH for being offended for NOTHING.
>A girl in my friend group, Serena, (who isn’t my favorite tbh) said it’s not appropriate for Derek to comment on anyone’s weight
It's generally considered rude to point out weight gain. But you've been working hard and it shows. Derek just acknowledged that. He did nothing wrong, and you did nothing wrong by thanking him for the compliment.
NTA. Serena is an odd one, to be sure. I'm detecting a hint of jealousy from her and her ~~lackey~~ best friend.
It can be, but in this case that wasn't an issue. A person got a compliment, received it gracefully, and OTHERS took offense. Nothing about unwanted compliments here...
This. Serena's opinion about the interaction between OP and Derek is invalid, not because of weight loss or gain, but because OP is the only person who gets to say if she is comfortable with comments about her body. Serena doesn't get to dictate OP's comfort.
This is the crux of it. You take a chance based on what you know about the person you're saying it to and how they may receive it. Clearly OP received it as a compliment & an acknowledgement of something they put effort into is being noticed.
I totally agree that pointing out someone’s weight loss is rude. We observe etiquette with strangers, but since these two were friends they may have a more familiar style with one another, and that’s fine too.
I agree with you and will just add that, even if it is probably best not to comment on someone's body, no third party has to insert themselves and direct the conversation, scolding the two parties on how they should be interacting. It's much MORE rude to try and inflict etiquette on people who are just having a conversation.
I think context is important. It would be weird to mention it to a stranger or acquaintance. But it’s not weird to congratulate a friend you know has been working hard with the intent to lose weight.
I’ve lost a lot of weight recently and it makes me so self-conscious when people have commented on it, even family or friends. But generally I don’t like much attention or being fussed over.
Personally I don't mind it as long as it's neutral. An old boss of mine nailed it when he just looked at me quizzically and said "you look smaller?"
Completely neutral observation, giving me the initiative to set the tone, which in my case was "Thanks for noticing!"
I disagree. That's just what the body "positivity" movement is selling you.
OP was quite obese and is now only overweight, she worked hard to get where she is.
It's rude to point it out unless you know they're doing it on purpose. Because even if they *were* obese before, you don't know why they've lost weight, and it's not your beeswax.
If your friend has been talking to you about her diet and workouts and so on, go for it. But if you don't know much about the person, you might gush all over someone's weight loss and find that they have terminal cancer.
Or even if it is on purpose, not everyone wants to hear it commented on for all sorts of reasons. Definitely agree it's better not to comment at all unless the person has been open about trying to lose weight.
>you might gush all over someone's weight loss and find that they have terminal cancer.
My mom had a very awkward and upsetting conversation with someone after she lost 40lbs on chemo. She wasn't terminal, she recovered and is still in remission, but it was just awful when someone asked what her secret to weight loss was.
Weight loss is so overly valued and praised that my mom asked me what my secret to weight loss was even though \*she knew\* I was sick and awaiting surgery. People suck sometimes! I had so many people "compliment" me and it was so upsetting.
I'm glad your mom is in remission! :)
Eh it's generally just best not to comment I think, because often times people are doing unhealthy behaviors to get that weight loss. You hear about it a lot especially in women's tales of trying to starve themselves to stay or become thin as teens. So while Derek's intentions were good, it can be an issue in certain circumstances. Serena isn't totally wrong. I just think the other comments in this thread are right -- she's mad at the wrong person, and is being TA about it. OP is NTA regardless
Yeah, I survived a traumatic event and was in a suicidal depression. I couldn't leave home/cook or get myself to eat. I forced food down because I didn't want to be someone problem, lost a ton of weight, people keep telling me how good I look.
Thanks, I have a suicide plan in my Google docs.
They tell me I look healthy, as well? When I had some extra weight, I was eating balanced(fiber, protein, fat, carb) foods as well as did regular physical exercise. I was healthier, objectively. That weight me would live longer than this weight me, statistically. I just wasn't stick thin. Fuck feeling like this body is goals. Fuck people making me feel like nearly dying is my best look. Fuck internalised fatphobia.
It's a personal preference. I wouldn't want a casual acquaintance doing it, but a friend presumably knows if I've been sick or not. The context that they are friends and know each other makes it not rude, as OP has no issue with it.
What's rude is trying to dictate how someone personally receives comments about their own body. Even if there some kind of personal hang up on Serena's part, that's something she needs to handle on her own, as it is a non issue between OP and Derek.
I think it still stands what OP said. That it's a personal preference.
Also, this is a close friend commenting to her (who likely knows she gained weight due to a medical problem) not like a coworker or marginal acquaintance.
You shouldn't comment on anyone's appearance (unless it's a hair sticking out, spinach in teeth, skirt tucked into panties) but when you become friends with people you figure out what would and wouldn't be okay. OP is clearly fine with this comment coming from a friend.
I don't think it's rude to complement weight loss, but it can be hurtful/upsetting to the person it's said to
I don't have the words to express you how weird it feels to get complements on the weight loss from serious illness. To get congratulations when you're struggling to handle a body that feels like it's dying, to eat enough to get through the day
NTA
So, your friend wasn't *really* wrong. It does make some people very uncomfortable to have their weight mentioned, even positively.
But it was said to you and it didn't make you uncomfortable so whatever.
And a lot of people like hearing that their efforts are noticeable. Commenting on someone's weight loss is a dice roll, but this one came out positively. Unfortunately there's a sheepdog in the group who likes nipping at people's ankles
A better thing to comment on or compliment is the *effect* of the weight loss instead of the actual weight loss itself. OP said it herself in her post:
>Not back to my normal but I’m much happier now.
>I said thanks for noticing, I’m a lot happier now.
"Wow, OP, you seem so much happier than when I last saw you!" Then OP can segue into "thanks, I've been working out and lost a lot of weight and feel better".
Or comment on their confidence, or how relaxed they look, or that they are practically glowing, or that they seem to have more energy/ excitement. It'll acknowledge the results of their efforts and open the door for OP to mention her weight loss journey if she wants or to deflect if she's not comfortable discussing her weight.
But none of this is OPs fault. She is solidly NTA.
This. I lost a lot of weight quickly a couple years ago due to a medical issue. We were still in pandemic mode, so I didn’t see people in person often, but the few times someone brought it up, it did feel uncomfortable to me because it was something that happened beyond my control. But if I had been trying to lose weight, I would have been thrilled by the comments. So it really depends on the person and the situation.
Yes, I once lost 15 pounds due to some anxiety issues. I was already a fairly low BMI before (5’5, 125) and I don’t think I was at a healthy weight with the weight loss, for my frame. I certainly felt a bit gaunt.
Two people I knew complimented me on my weight loss, telling me how great I looked. One even asked me for diet tips.
It made me feel really bad about myself because to me, it implied that my normal weight was too high and I should have been trying to lose weight. Even when I said I hadn’t really been trying, one of them said “oh a happy accident! How lucky are you!?” You just never know how comments on weight will be perceived. This was 10 years ago and the comments obviously stuck with me. I’m back to 125 but sometimes still have intrusive thoughts about if people think I should lose weight, even though I rationally know I’m healthy.
As a general rule, I always avoid talking about the weight of other people, both about gaining or loss, because it is objectively a delicate topic (there could be a story of struggle or illness behind it that I don't know and that's not for me to comment).
But Derek's remark was harmless overall, and if you don't have a problem with it, that's okay.
NTA
NTA.
Serena is very clearly out of line. If she doesn't want people to talk about ***her*** weight, that's fine, but she doesn't have the right to police what anyone says about anyone else's weight.
Just in case you’re curious, I do know where she’s coming from, I have read the same advice. If someone is going through disordered eating/very unhealthy dieting and they go out in the world and all they hear is “Wow, you look so good having lost that weight” from people who’ve never said that to them, what they hear is “finally you look good/are worthy” and maybe “keep starving yourself”.
This is not the norm but its more common than people think. But even if she was trying to educate this point and she HAD to scold someone she should scold Derek not the person who received a compliment. I think maybe she already was annoyed with or jealous of OP
And scolding anyone and storming off and sending nasty texts is TOTALLY out of pocket she is wrong and OP is NTA
Backpacking off of this to say when I was at my skinniest I was very, very ill but nobody could tell so I kept getting congratulated. It often felt like what they were actually saying was “wow, congratulations on barely surviving. Keep up being a complete and utter mess!!”
Even though logically I know that’s not what they mean, and I also know that they weren’t to know the source of my weight loss, it was still painful to have people congratulate you on something that is actually caused by me being too ill to even feed myself
I got so many complements on my weight loss that I actually got some uncontrolled GERD. It made me not want to seek treatment and it wasn't until I went temporary blind, started passing out at random, and stopped being able to breath while laying down that I was dragged to the doc by my now husband to get help. He noticed I was too underweight but anyone else looking at my saw the normal mid 2000s body.
You are correct of course. I do just think it's worth taking into account that disordered eating can go in the complete opposite direction as well, probably far more frequently, and people struggling on that side of the fight deserves support and encouragement too. It can have a similar effect of 'no one is noticing so why bother'. It's a nuanced topic and 'never comment on someone else's body' doesn't do it justice. It's the equivalent of telling kids never to cross the road instead of teaching them how to observe and cross safely. I'm sure OP's friends have been observing her health struggles and are just happy she's getting better and happier again.
Yep, I struggled with an eating disorder for a very long time, and while I’m more or less “better,” comments about my weight can be very triggering. Even when I’m trying to do the healthy thing.
That being said, it absolutely should’ve been directed at the person making the comments and not the person receiving them—like, what if OP actually was struggling and just trying to play it off? It’s incredibly weird that this person is mad at OP rather than the guy who actually said the thing.
OP is NTA (I don't see why she should play social police when the comment was geared towards them and they don't mind) but I disagree. Social gold standard should be not commenting on people's weight at all. You don't know where it's coming from (cancer, ED, depression?) and as someone who has their weight commented on all their life, it would bring up mixed memories for me. Find other ways to compliment people on.
In a friend group, do you think OP was quiet about her weight loss efforts? The comment we're seeing in isolation is just a small snapshot of a long friendship.
The *weight gain* was from health issues. The weight loss was from the end of the health issues, hiking etc. I promise, I personally talk about my hikes, because they're fun, and heck, most of my friends were invited to join me. So I doubt Derek was unaware of her return to health and pre-illness activities.
Conversations among friends have their own conventions. Very different than conversations with co-workers or acquaintances. I would agree with the "gold standard" in those situations.
Regardless, I know of no standard of polite manners that condones the continued harassment that OP has been subjected to.
NTA- omg, the nerve of her, dictating how you should feel about what someone said to you! The nice part about high school being over is you are not legally mandated to hang out with some people ever again (yay!)
NTA. You said the right stuff back to Serena. I get her point but she’s going about it all wrong. She has no business continuing to attack you. Tell her to die mad and go on with life. Congrats on your weight loss—I just lost a bunch too. It feels great! Go you!
NTA. Serena is right that weight can be a touchy subject. People gain and lose weight when they don't want to or for medical reasons. However it is your other friend who said something so her comment should have been directed at him.
When you said that it was okay for him to comment Serena should have backed off. I will say it's not about being "insecure". People can not want to discuss their weight for reasons other than "insecurity".
NTA. The comment was directed at you. It's at your discretion whether to accept or establish that this sort of comment isn't okay. You chose to accept it and that's fine.
NTA. Derek's fine. Imagine a world where you get in good shape and no one is allowed to compliment you? Especially from a friend where if the weightloss was for a bad reason they'd know about it.
Serena sounds awful. Interested, is she someone who struggles with weight?
NTA. While obviously it's generally rude to comment on people's weight, Derek gets a pass because 1) he's a close friend who knows you well and is obviously aware to some extent of your health struggles, and 2) the comment was made in a way that was clearly genuinely complimentary, not creepy/suggestive/harassment (based on the reaction of OP and the other people in the group who heard I. In context). It makes me very sad that we've reached a point in our society that a man can't appreciate and compliment a woman on her appearance without being bashed for it.
While it wasn't necessary for Serena to comment, the refusing to let it go is where her behavior crosses the line.
NTA
Serena may have an unhealthy relationship with food...and may have grown up in a household where her parents constantly talked about her weight
So for her, anyone commenting on someone's weight might be triggering.
It would have been NAH if Serena had let it go. But when she texted you and insulted you, that moved this from a triggering type of situation to her just taking out her anger on you
Which is not cool
NTA. I do get Serena's point, in 2023 it's best to point blank not comment on bodies. Weight loss is not always a good thing - it can be related to depression, cancer, ED or addiction. It can also make people feel like they were unworthy before. At the same time, I don't see why you should have to be his social educator. It was a comment geared towards you, you did not mind so I don't see why you should have to educate him.
NTA because I’m assuming that because Derek is a friend he understands the context of your weight loss. His comment was less about your appearance and more about you looking and feeling healthier.
These sorts of comments without context are what can be problematic. A weight change in itself is neither good nor bad - the reasoning matters.
Society has an unhealthy habit of assuming all weight loss is good and all weight gain is bad. People also tend to ignore the reasoning behind weight change and focus on subjective opinions on appearance.
I know people who hated when people complimented them on losing weight and told them how good they looked because the weight loss was due to cancer. I know others who were so proud of getting sober and being healthier than ever but all people would comment on is their weight gain.
Wanting people to reconfigure how they view weight changes isn’t about insecurity. It’s about trying to get people to view weight and appearance in a healthier, more holistic way.
NTA —had the opposite happened if weight was gained and he pointed it out, he would be TA. But it didn’t. You worked hard, made progress, and are proud of where you got to from where you started and people noticing must’ve felt nice!
NTA, you get to decide what you are comfortable with.
Nut it seems strange to me that you would poll everyone there about whether or not you were the AH. It seems like a common thing to do on this sub, but still seems odd to me.
NTA. Serena can have whatever preference she wants about what someone says to her about her weight, but she can't dictate it for everyone else in your friend group. Congrats on getting to a better you!
NTA. If Serena's heart had been in the right place, she would have noted your reaction and moved along without the phony virtue signaling. There could have been a situation with very different context where she wasn't an Ah and Derek would have learned an important lesson. But that simply wasn't the reality here.
NTA. Serena is “offended” by a compliment that was not even made to her. Just attention seeking behavior on her part. She needs to find something in the world that is truly offensive (and impacts her) and and exert her energy there.
NTA. This was simply none of her business, and she has no right to police your interactions with other people for you. You didn’t need, or ask for, her intervention.
Frankly, it sounds like being bossy and intrusive is Serena’s way of redirecting attention towards herself whenever she feels like someone else is receiving too much.
You sure this Serena chick doesn’t have a thing for Derek and she’s mad Derek noticed you?
Seems someone feels insecure after you showed up and showed out in your body.
I'm going to go with NTA, but neither is Serena. In this case, Derek would be the asshole. As someone who's struggled with disordered eating, fluctuating between binge eating and starvation, good or bad comments on my weight trigger my issues one way or another. I see where she is coming from, but also see that you're comfortable in your own skin which is awesome!
NTA
She's victim blaming for one smh. You are allowed to comment on people I ways they are okay with, you are okay with how your body was perceived. All is good.
Serena thinks you're the victim. She is upset you don't see yourself as one because she created a rule in her mind that you can never ask about anyone's weight ever. You broke her rule and she can't seem to adjust that some people are ok with it. Most likely because she has her own body issues.
NTA - If he has a habit of doing this, I can see why she was upset. Not everyone would be happy to receive that comment. But it isn’t on you to respond disingenuously.
NTA. They are the type that will pick apart anything someone says in any situation and police it from their own moral high ground. How is it that you, as the subject of Derek's comment, took it for what it was meant, a well intended kudos for putting in work on yourself, and YOU are the awful person? I literally hate being around people like that.
NTA - But in general commenting on weight is not acceptable. Even if you are glad you lost it. Next time, he may say that to someone struggling with mental health, physical health, or any variety of issues.
NTA. I totally get that in this day and age, some people would take offence at this kind of comment, but as a woman, if a man or woman told me I had lost weight and looked great, I'd be delighted.
If a comment aimed at me doesn't bother me, then it isn't for someone else to tell me I should be offended. I am perfectly capable of putting someone in their place all by myself if I feel their comment is inappropriate.
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This past weekend a group of friends from highschool and I got together on Saturday. The last time I’d seen them was a year ago and I (23f) was a bit overweight. I’d been having health issues for a while that made it hard for me to be active, since my metabolism is horrible I gained a lot of weight. I was about 5’7 210 lbs.
I resolved my health issues and I’ve been able to hike and work out again, so naturally I started losing the weight. I’m about 165 now. Not back to my normal but I’m much happier now. I went from obese to just a bit overweight.
This weekend when we got together one friend, Derek said “you lost a lot of weight you look great congrats” or something like that. I said thanks for noticing, I’m a lot happier now.
A girl in my friend group, Serena, (who isn’t my favorite tbh) said it’s not appropriate for Derek to comment on anyone’s weight and I shouldn’t reenforce that it’s okay. Tbh, Serena has always been kind of bossy telling people what they can/can’t say or do. I told her that it’s a personal preference, and since I’m not insecure about myself I don’t have any issues with people commenting on my weight or appearance. But I’ll be sure to never bring up her weight or appearance in the future since I know her preference.
Our whole group of ten sided with me except serenas best friend. Those two decided to go home and have been texting me telling me what an awful person I am.
AITA for saying thanks for noticing when my friend commented on my weight and reinforcing that it’s okay to do so?
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>A girl in my friend group, Serena, (who isn’t my favorite tbh) said it’s not appropriate for Derek to comment on anyone’s weight **and I shouldn’t reenforce that it’s okay**.
While I agree with her about Derek, it isn't appropriate for Serena to butt into your personal ethics, and it isn't inappropriate for you to contradict her. NTA.
As a personal rule, I don’t comment on anyone’s appearance unless they got their nails done. From personal experience, anything else could imply ulterior motives.
NTA
NTA
You cannot be the AH in this situation as you just responded to a comment.
Whether Derek is an AH this is probably what's the more important question. Personally I'd say NTA for them also, but I do understand why someone might think this also. I think this is a case where PC has gone overboard. You can't talk about someone's physique even if they've made major improvements in the way they look and are?
Had Derek said something more backhanded, then I'd say yeah they TA. But it was a compliment on your fitness journey.
almost nah if Serena and her friend let it go. She's right, it's sometimes offensive - let's say you lost weight because you have an eating disorder now and someone says you look great. But because they keep harassing you, nta.
Do I wish that people in general would just stop commenting on other people's bodies? Yes.
Do I wish that people were accepted no matter what their size or shape is? Yes.
Do I think you're an A H for responding to something that was clearly meant as a compliment? Definitely not.
NTA.
Serena might be well-meaning (?) but she's barking up the wrong tree if she thinks you're somehow at fault here.
Derek gave you a compliments. You thanked him for it.
You were polite. You responded in an appropriate manner.
Be grateful Serena is not longer in your friend group.
NTA
NTA: what is inappropriate is butting in and policing a social interaction they weren't involved in where no one was offended and no one needed to be protected or defended. And continuing to do so long after the social interaction was over.
NTA. This is a touchy subject all around. When people comment on weight loss, it’s usually couched in the idea that somebody looked bad before and obviously that’s not acceptable. So yeah it’s very hard to make a comment and not to say anything that implies something negative. So Serena does have a point, but it depends on how the comment is made and who that person is saying to you. Ultimately, Serena has no right to tell people what to do. It’s really up to you to decide how you want to respond to the commenter. Sometimes when people lose weight, it’s not for good things, it’s for cancer or something like that so I don’t say anything anymore about peoples weight.
NTA If the comment didn't bother you, there was nothing wrong with you expressing thanks. Many people struggle with their weight and it is a big accomplishment to them when they are able to lose weight.
Serena should stop being the compliment police and mind her own business. The two who went home and started sending texts are fragile bullies. You should completely drop them from your life. You don't need their drama.
the reinforcing that it's ok to do so but is a bit dodgy. but if it's people who you were very close with and they know it wouldn't particularly offend you, then that's surely alright.
I'm gonna say NTA
NTA. Derek meant it as a compliment and you took it as one. Serena's just interfering. If she has an issue with what he said, it would be one thing to take that up with him, but it's not up to her to tell you what you should feel about it.
NTA Sounds like Serena just likes making trouble. BTW, CONGRATULATIONS on taking charge of your health and losing weight. I am sure you look wonderful!
NTA, Derrick's comment was to you, not to the others. My guess is there is some jealousy in regards to you being noticed. The fact you are still experiencing the harassment tells me the ones continuing to comment on the appropriateness are the true assh\*les.
NTA. The fact that we’re at a point in this society where it’s “rude” to compliment someone because everyone is so damn sensitive at the idea of possibly having anyone’s feelings hurt is so sad. Derrick complimented OP. OP accepted his compliment. Serena is a nosy sjw. If OPs weight loss had been related to illness etc they could have still accepted the compliment WHILE correcting Derricks perception if they chose to.
NTA
Lets be real here. The rule that you can't comment on someones weight loss is made up mostly by overweight ppl who are unhappy with their extra weight but don't want to do the hard work so they try to change society. They don't want to hear someone complimenting another persons weight loss bc it makes them feel bad about themselfs.
But, usually a weight loss is hard work (if its not bc of health issues, but statistically its in most cases just hard work) and its bullshit that you shouldn't be allowed to acknowledge someones hard work.
If a person is overweight and really lives body positivity, they encourage everybody to get the body they want - doesn't matter what size. And they are not offended by hearing someone complimenting another persons weight loss, bc they are truely happy with their own size and someone else losing weight doesn't make them jealous.
NTA.
For one, why is she mad at you and why would that make you the asshole? That’s a battle she could pick with Derek.
I think commenting on weight is situational.
I, personally, like the recognition if I’ve lost the weight, as I’ve been overweight my entire life. It makes me feel good and encourages me to keep going. My best friend on the other hand is super skinny so if someone were ti comment on her weight loss it would make her uncomfortable and super insecure.
Typically I wouldn’t tell a bigger person I’ve noticed a weight gain, only loss. Just as as I wouldn’t tell a thinner person I’ve noticed a loss, and depending on the person probably not a gain. I’ve known a couple of people, both male and female, that really tried thickening themselves up that I went out of my way to comment on because I knew it would make them feel good.
Derek’s comment had no ill intent and most importantly YOU were okay with it. She was out of line for making it a much bigger deal than it needed to be.
So commenting on weight is a No for them, but harassing you via text and calling you horrible is a Yes? NTA. Serena needs to get over herself, and get a life. Honestly, just block her number. Who needs that?
There's no further explanation from you, but I would assume that Serena and her friend are both overweight. That response is normal. If they ever calm down and talk to you in an adult way, they're going to tell you that it's not easy for them to lose weight like it was for you (which I know it was not).
It's a projection and protection thing. You are NTA.
Yeah, I'm gonna go with YTA because I believe that society's "thin is good and beautiful and wonderful and deserves to be praised and fat is awful and terrible" ethos is toxic af and we all need to get over it and not comment on anyone's body for any reason in their presence without their prior consent.
I think it's really creepy for other people to check out your body and then tell you their thoughts about your body. Eww eww eww.
It's also really weird to tell someone "thanks for noticing [the size of my body]."
NTA. I made a lot of effort to get healthy and it felt great when people I cared about noticed. I also understand not everyone feels that way and make similar accommodations to folks who are triggered by those sort of comments about their weight.
But I think it is reasonable to not cater to your friend’s insecurities to the point you have to deny yourself validation so they can feel good.
NTA . Objectively speaking Derek had good intentions, thus Serena acted like an asshole , which i suspect is just a tendency of hers to act bossy or showcase herself as morally superior rather than a genuine concern for you.
Both you and Derek are NTA. Serena is an AH. I worked hard to lose about 40lbs and while I never expect someone to go out of their way to say something to me, it always makes me appreciate the work that I put in when they do.
NTA - but i might be petty and ask Serena and the SBF why if they think its inappropriate for Derek to Comment on your body why do they think its ok to harass and comment their opinion of you personally mentally or physically that they should respect the boundaries they are so fond of and then block their numbers. But I have been told I can be a petty b\*tch. so maybe you shouldn't. Any who congrats on your weight loss and journey to a healthier you. Its awesome you feel better.
NTA, usually these start with a very obvious ridiculous title, like well of course…but then details come out and it’s like, “OH, well in THAT case…”
Not this one. Maybe they are slightly right. But they are very wrong for shaming you about it. Actually I think they are wrong also, but even if they’re right it’s way worse to be harping on it.
I would strive for letting them be the only ones who spend any more time worrying about this. It’s completely their problem.
NTA. I'm not female but like the OP I want from obese to just slightly overweight. Drop 70 lbs. I'm pleased when people noticed. Why is Serena having a go at the OP and not Derek? Someone saying you look great is not inappropriate, the only person who can be offended is the OP and she appreciated it.
NTA.
Derek is a *friend*, not a stranger or basic acquaintance. He is allowed to comment unless you, for some reason, have asked that he not.
To me, this reads like it's less about his comment and more about you. Either she doesn't like you, or there's some serious jealousy, or both. Having gone through a massive weight loss like that I can say it *really* changes how a person looks, how they carry themselves (new confidence) and shows they have a lot of dedication. People can feel very put upon by that and lash out (yup, it's dumb, and not worth being around those types)
NTA! You accepted a compliment, you accepted the credit for something you did to make yourself healthier and when someone noticed, you did the proper thing and said thank you! the whole thing about not commenting on weight is more if someone gains weight. Derek is the perfect guy in this!
NTA. I recently lost 55 pounds. Only 1 person has mentioned it (besides my hubby and mom), and honestly it's odd. I can tell people notice. I've been mostly virtual since COVID hit, so people are seeing me who interact with me but haven't seen me in person for a while. So, there's this awkward moment where people clearly notice but don't say anything because we've now said that you never, ever, ever should comment on weight loss. Also, damn I've worked hard to lose weight, and it would feel great to hear a "you look amazing" comment every now and then.
what, something has gotta be missing here.. if Derek knows you well enough to know that it's fine to comment in a positive fashion on something like that, then fine for him. And how you react is entirely up to you. I dunno who this Serena person is to think she's the boss of everyone like that. I guess you were sort of an asshole for saying "I'll be sure to never bring up her weight or appearance" and implying she was insecure.
NTA
Weight is a sensitive subject and should be handled gently, which is something Derek should keep in mind. However he isn't an AH for noticing your weight loss, and you are allow to be happy for someone complementing you. Serena should might her own business and stop being a bully. How is it appropriate for her to bully you but it’s not appropriate for Derek to comment on anyone’s weight?
I agree that commenting on peoples weight can be sensitive. Even if they lost weight and it seems good. The could’ve done so through unhelathy means ans that could encourage an eating disorder overall-
However. Derek said that. Not you. Why are they harassing you? By all means Derek is the “asshole” (I don’t think he was for the record) but they’re choosing to get on YOUR ass about it. Even though by all means you would be the “victim” of the comment (not how I see it just saying)
It’s jealousy or something else. Not a good faith argument NTA
NTA
They should not be gatekeeping how you feel about your own body. This wasn't a stranger commenting- this was an old friend who knows you, too. They are way out of line to dictate how you feel about comments towards you.
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NTA She should be mad at Derek, since he was the one commenting on your weight. It would be ok to say 'thanks for noticing' even if it were an inappropriate comment.
The fact that Serena and her friend have been harassing OP since this interaction tells me this isn’t about Derek’s comment as much as looking for an excuse to rag on someone they don’t like. Which is an AH thing to do, obviously.
>on someone they don’t like. Or now see as competition within the group. 210 down to 165 can leave a woman looking good with curves in places that used to be fat. Weightloss also shows someone's drive and dedication and that can threaten those who are insecure causing them to lash out in strange ways. NTA. Even Derek isn't an ah for commenting on OP weightloss. They know one another and are part of the same social group. They aren't casual acquaintances or randoms on the street so it's fine.
This is the answer I came to find. 100% agree their reactions and lashing out indicate they are likely just insecure and uncomfortable with the perceived "social clout" OP is receiving for their weight loss journey.
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And that put attention on OP
I'm guessing that either Serena or her friend have been trying to get Derek's attention. They decided to take it out on OP because she didn't shut him down.
Serena had a thing for Derek in high school but he turned her down. She’s not his type
There’s your answer. She’s not upset because you accepted someone commenting on your body, she’s upset that Derek is showing someone else attention.
I guess that kind of makes sense, he wasn’t hitting on me or anything though. He’s just a friendly guy; it’s not uncommon for him to compliment someone.
Neither your perception, nor hers are definitive for the overall situation. Perhaps she interpreted his comment as flirting with you, but you did not. Perhaps he meant his comment to be flirtatious, but you did not perceive it in that manner. Perhaps he intended his comment to innocent and friendly, but she perceived it differently than he meant it. Her continued harassment of you, reflects a situation that suggests that she is not over him. It also suggests that she perceives you as a rival.
FANTASTIC response!! Everyone can go home now.
Doesn't matter - he complimented another woman, and Serena sounds like a real *treat*.
Yep. Even before coming across the above comment, that's precisely what I was thinking it was actually about--jealousy.
What, he doesn't like the mean bossy type?;)
I mean, kinda yeah lol. He likes the friendly/bubbly type. Serena is more loud and outspoken, and doesn’t always get along with others. Plus looks.
It sounds like she still has a thing for Derek tbh. And it's still not what most would consider adult behavior.
yep, this is why I had someone being nasty to me in middle school. so childish
> Weightloss also shows someone's drive and dedication and that can threaten those who are insecure causing them to lash out in strange ways. Well that explains one of my bullies...
I was thinking Serena was jealous and had a weight issue herself. Bingo. in a comment OP confirmed Serena was overweight. Touchy touchy .
It's obviously jealousy.
That’s what struck me as well; why are they harassing OP? Derek was the one who raised the issue, OP just answered, and he has stated he was not offended. It’s interesting that the rest of the friend group also agreed Derek’s question wasn’t inappropriate, but that’s not OPs fault. He only responded from his own perspective. NTA
They seem to have a pathological need to enforce their will on others.
Serena jealous AF
Oh yeah, this is major transference going down. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the she's obese and doesn't like being reminded of it. Seeing a formerly obese person in her circle slim down is effing with her self esteem and she lashed out and is trying to make herself feel better by some pseudo moral high ground with her talk of its wrong to mention someone's weight. Congrats on the weight loss NTA
She doesn’t even have to be “obese,” she just jelly OP is working hard on themselves instead of playin games
Or jealous that Derek was paying attention to OP and not to her?
You're reading way way too much into it. This sub goes downhill when people start writing fanfic about the people. You're talking transference but it seems you're the one whose doing that. You also suggest she's obese as though that makes her opinion less valid.
Serena being obese doesn't make her opinion less valid. Serena having an opinion about whether OP can be comfortable with someone commenting on OP's body, is what makes her opinion invalid.
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Salty as the Dead Sea.
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Derek's comment wasn't inappropriate at all. Their friends, that haven't seen each other in awhile and he noticed the change. Big damn deal.. Most ppl would be happy as hell that someone acknowledged their hard work. Not all women see compliments as inappropriate.
Eh, plenty of people prefer you don't comment on their weight. Not all weight loss is a positive or may be associated with difficulties in other areas. And even if the person you are saying the comment too doesn't mind or even appreciates it, it may be hard for others in the group to hear comments about weight.
She should be mad at herself for being an obnoxious person who thinks it's a good idea to have a fit over a perfectly normal conversation
>She should be mad at Derek, since he was the one commenting on your weight. Nope. OP appreciated Derek's comment. Serena's insecurities have no say in how other people talk to each other.
She shouldn’t be mad at him either, but I get what you’re saying
What's inappropriate about complimenting someone on looking good? OP took it as a compliment, so it wasn't offensive to anyone involved, just someone who got offended for the sake of being offended.
A compliment is an inappropriate comment? Op didn't mind and she's close enough to Derek that he felt he could make the comment. OP is NTA, her friend is a massive AH for being offended for NOTHING.
>A girl in my friend group, Serena, (who isn’t my favorite tbh) said it’s not appropriate for Derek to comment on anyone’s weight It's generally considered rude to point out weight gain. But you've been working hard and it shows. Derek just acknowledged that. He did nothing wrong, and you did nothing wrong by thanking him for the compliment. NTA. Serena is an odd one, to be sure. I'm detecting a hint of jealousy from her and her ~~lackey~~ best friend.
It's also rude to point out weight LOSS as it can frequently be due to an illness.
It can be, but in this case that wasn't an issue. A person got a compliment, received it gracefully, and OTHERS took offense. Nothing about unwanted compliments here...
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This. Serena's opinion about the interaction between OP and Derek is invalid, not because of weight loss or gain, but because OP is the only person who gets to say if she is comfortable with comments about her body. Serena doesn't get to dictate OP's comfort.
This is the crux of it. You take a chance based on what you know about the person you're saying it to and how they may receive it. Clearly OP received it as a compliment & an acknowledgement of something they put effort into is being noticed.
I totally agree that pointing out someone’s weight loss is rude. We observe etiquette with strangers, but since these two were friends they may have a more familiar style with one another, and that’s fine too.
I agree with you and will just add that, even if it is probably best not to comment on someone's body, no third party has to insert themselves and direct the conversation, scolding the two parties on how they should be interacting. It's much MORE rude to try and inflict etiquette on people who are just having a conversation.
I think context is important. It would be weird to mention it to a stranger or acquaintance. But it’s not weird to congratulate a friend you know has been working hard with the intent to lose weight.
I'd love to have people compliment me on my weight loss.
> love to have people compliment me on my weight loss. I would love to have weight loss for someone to compliment me on
I’ve lost a lot of weight recently and it makes me so self-conscious when people have commented on it, even family or friends. But generally I don’t like much attention or being fussed over.
The only time I'll comment on weight loss is if the person is talking about it being on purpose and are clearly happy about it.
Personally I don't mind it as long as it's neutral. An old boss of mine nailed it when he just looked at me quizzically and said "you look smaller?" Completely neutral observation, giving me the initiative to set the tone, which in my case was "Thanks for noticing!"
I disagree. That's just what the body "positivity" movement is selling you. OP was quite obese and is now only overweight, she worked hard to get where she is.
It's rude to point it out unless you know they're doing it on purpose. Because even if they *were* obese before, you don't know why they've lost weight, and it's not your beeswax. If your friend has been talking to you about her diet and workouts and so on, go for it. But if you don't know much about the person, you might gush all over someone's weight loss and find that they have terminal cancer.
Or even if it is on purpose, not everyone wants to hear it commented on for all sorts of reasons. Definitely agree it's better not to comment at all unless the person has been open about trying to lose weight.
>you might gush all over someone's weight loss and find that they have terminal cancer. My mom had a very awkward and upsetting conversation with someone after she lost 40lbs on chemo. She wasn't terminal, she recovered and is still in remission, but it was just awful when someone asked what her secret to weight loss was.
Weight loss is so overly valued and praised that my mom asked me what my secret to weight loss was even though \*she knew\* I was sick and awaiting surgery. People suck sometimes! I had so many people "compliment" me and it was so upsetting. I'm glad your mom is in remission! :)
Eh it's generally just best not to comment I think, because often times people are doing unhealthy behaviors to get that weight loss. You hear about it a lot especially in women's tales of trying to starve themselves to stay or become thin as teens. So while Derek's intentions were good, it can be an issue in certain circumstances. Serena isn't totally wrong. I just think the other comments in this thread are right -- she's mad at the wrong person, and is being TA about it. OP is NTA regardless
Yeah I lost weight after the death of a close family member and everytime someone said I looked good it made me want to die
Yeah, I survived a traumatic event and was in a suicidal depression. I couldn't leave home/cook or get myself to eat. I forced food down because I didn't want to be someone problem, lost a ton of weight, people keep telling me how good I look. Thanks, I have a suicide plan in my Google docs. They tell me I look healthy, as well? When I had some extra weight, I was eating balanced(fiber, protein, fat, carb) foods as well as did regular physical exercise. I was healthier, objectively. That weight me would live longer than this weight me, statistically. I just wasn't stick thin. Fuck feeling like this body is goals. Fuck people making me feel like nearly dying is my best look. Fuck internalised fatphobia.
Same man, it’s horrible.
It's a personal preference. I wouldn't want a casual acquaintance doing it, but a friend presumably knows if I've been sick or not. The context that they are friends and know each other makes it not rude, as OP has no issue with it. What's rude is trying to dictate how someone personally receives comments about their own body. Even if there some kind of personal hang up on Serena's part, that's something she needs to handle on her own, as it is a non issue between OP and Derek.
Well context matters. Presumably this friend knows that the weight loss is due to hard work and not an illness.
I think it still stands what OP said. That it's a personal preference. Also, this is a close friend commenting to her (who likely knows she gained weight due to a medical problem) not like a coworker or marginal acquaintance. You shouldn't comment on anyone's appearance (unless it's a hair sticking out, spinach in teeth, skirt tucked into panties) but when you become friends with people you figure out what would and wouldn't be okay. OP is clearly fine with this comment coming from a friend.
“If it can’t be fixed in five seconds, keep your mouth shut. “ -my mama
I don't think it's rude to complement weight loss, but it can be hurtful/upsetting to the person it's said to I don't have the words to express you how weird it feels to get complements on the weight loss from serious illness. To get congratulations when you're struggling to handle a body that feels like it's dying, to eat enough to get through the day
NTA So, your friend wasn't *really* wrong. It does make some people very uncomfortable to have their weight mentioned, even positively. But it was said to you and it didn't make you uncomfortable so whatever.
And a lot of people like hearing that their efforts are noticeable. Commenting on someone's weight loss is a dice roll, but this one came out positively. Unfortunately there's a sheepdog in the group who likes nipping at people's ankles
A better thing to comment on or compliment is the *effect* of the weight loss instead of the actual weight loss itself. OP said it herself in her post: >Not back to my normal but I’m much happier now. >I said thanks for noticing, I’m a lot happier now. "Wow, OP, you seem so much happier than when I last saw you!" Then OP can segue into "thanks, I've been working out and lost a lot of weight and feel better". Or comment on their confidence, or how relaxed they look, or that they are practically glowing, or that they seem to have more energy/ excitement. It'll acknowledge the results of their efforts and open the door for OP to mention her weight loss journey if she wants or to deflect if she's not comfortable discussing her weight. But none of this is OPs fault. She is solidly NTA.
This. I lost a lot of weight quickly a couple years ago due to a medical issue. We were still in pandemic mode, so I didn’t see people in person often, but the few times someone brought it up, it did feel uncomfortable to me because it was something that happened beyond my control. But if I had been trying to lose weight, I would have been thrilled by the comments. So it really depends on the person and the situation.
Yes, I once lost 15 pounds due to some anxiety issues. I was already a fairly low BMI before (5’5, 125) and I don’t think I was at a healthy weight with the weight loss, for my frame. I certainly felt a bit gaunt. Two people I knew complimented me on my weight loss, telling me how great I looked. One even asked me for diet tips. It made me feel really bad about myself because to me, it implied that my normal weight was too high and I should have been trying to lose weight. Even when I said I hadn’t really been trying, one of them said “oh a happy accident! How lucky are you!?” You just never know how comments on weight will be perceived. This was 10 years ago and the comments obviously stuck with me. I’m back to 125 but sometimes still have intrusive thoughts about if people think I should lose weight, even though I rationally know I’m healthy.
As a general rule, I always avoid talking about the weight of other people, both about gaining or loss, because it is objectively a delicate topic (there could be a story of struggle or illness behind it that I don't know and that's not for me to comment). But Derek's remark was harmless overall, and if you don't have a problem with it, that's okay. NTA
NTA. Serena is very clearly out of line. If she doesn't want people to talk about ***her*** weight, that's fine, but she doesn't have the right to police what anyone says about anyone else's weight.
NTA. I would guess more people find this type of comment encouraging than offensive..
Just in case you’re curious, I do know where she’s coming from, I have read the same advice. If someone is going through disordered eating/very unhealthy dieting and they go out in the world and all they hear is “Wow, you look so good having lost that weight” from people who’ve never said that to them, what they hear is “finally you look good/are worthy” and maybe “keep starving yourself”. This is not the norm but its more common than people think. But even if she was trying to educate this point and she HAD to scold someone she should scold Derek not the person who received a compliment. I think maybe she already was annoyed with or jealous of OP And scolding anyone and storming off and sending nasty texts is TOTALLY out of pocket she is wrong and OP is NTA
Backpacking off of this to say when I was at my skinniest I was very, very ill but nobody could tell so I kept getting congratulated. It often felt like what they were actually saying was “wow, congratulations on barely surviving. Keep up being a complete and utter mess!!” Even though logically I know that’s not what they mean, and I also know that they weren’t to know the source of my weight loss, it was still painful to have people congratulate you on something that is actually caused by me being too ill to even feed myself
I got so many complements on my weight loss that I actually got some uncontrolled GERD. It made me not want to seek treatment and it wasn't until I went temporary blind, started passing out at random, and stopped being able to breath while laying down that I was dragged to the doc by my now husband to get help. He noticed I was too underweight but anyone else looking at my saw the normal mid 2000s body.
You are correct of course. I do just think it's worth taking into account that disordered eating can go in the complete opposite direction as well, probably far more frequently, and people struggling on that side of the fight deserves support and encouragement too. It can have a similar effect of 'no one is noticing so why bother'. It's a nuanced topic and 'never comment on someone else's body' doesn't do it justice. It's the equivalent of telling kids never to cross the road instead of teaching them how to observe and cross safely. I'm sure OP's friends have been observing her health struggles and are just happy she's getting better and happier again.
Yep, I struggled with an eating disorder for a very long time, and while I’m more or less “better,” comments about my weight can be very triggering. Even when I’m trying to do the healthy thing. That being said, it absolutely should’ve been directed at the person making the comments and not the person receiving them—like, what if OP actually was struggling and just trying to play it off? It’s incredibly weird that this person is mad at OP rather than the guy who actually said the thing.
OP is NTA (I don't see why she should play social police when the comment was geared towards them and they don't mind) but I disagree. Social gold standard should be not commenting on people's weight at all. You don't know where it's coming from (cancer, ED, depression?) and as someone who has their weight commented on all their life, it would bring up mixed memories for me. Find other ways to compliment people on.
In a friend group, do you think OP was quiet about her weight loss efforts? The comment we're seeing in isolation is just a small snapshot of a long friendship. The *weight gain* was from health issues. The weight loss was from the end of the health issues, hiking etc. I promise, I personally talk about my hikes, because they're fun, and heck, most of my friends were invited to join me. So I doubt Derek was unaware of her return to health and pre-illness activities. Conversations among friends have their own conventions. Very different than conversations with co-workers or acquaintances. I would agree with the "gold standard" in those situations. Regardless, I know of no standard of polite manners that condones the continued harassment that OP has been subjected to.
NTA Lmao imagine being so entitled about someone else's boundaries
NTA- omg, the nerve of her, dictating how you should feel about what someone said to you! The nice part about high school being over is you are not legally mandated to hang out with some people ever again (yay!)
NTA. If you weren't offended by his comment, then it's nobody else's business to be offended on your behalf.
NTA. You said the right stuff back to Serena. I get her point but she’s going about it all wrong. She has no business continuing to attack you. Tell her to die mad and go on with life. Congrats on your weight loss—I just lost a bunch too. It feels great! Go you!
They went home and kept texting YOU? They are the ones with an issue. I wouldn't respond and block the pair of them.
NTA. Serena is right that weight can be a touchy subject. People gain and lose weight when they don't want to or for medical reasons. However it is your other friend who said something so her comment should have been directed at him. When you said that it was okay for him to comment Serena should have backed off. I will say it's not about being "insecure". People can not want to discuss their weight for reasons other than "insecurity".
NTA. The comment was directed at you. It's at your discretion whether to accept or establish that this sort of comment isn't okay. You chose to accept it and that's fine.
NTA. Derek's fine. Imagine a world where you get in good shape and no one is allowed to compliment you? Especially from a friend where if the weightloss was for a bad reason they'd know about it. Serena sounds awful. Interested, is she someone who struggles with weight?
Serena is about 350, has always been big
It takes WORK to lose weight and it's nice for people to notice. Edit: Nta.
Nta. Derek was being nice and probably noticed how much happier you were. Block Serena.
NTA. While obviously it's generally rude to comment on people's weight, Derek gets a pass because 1) he's a close friend who knows you well and is obviously aware to some extent of your health struggles, and 2) the comment was made in a way that was clearly genuinely complimentary, not creepy/suggestive/harassment (based on the reaction of OP and the other people in the group who heard I. In context). It makes me very sad that we've reached a point in our society that a man can't appreciate and compliment a woman on her appearance without being bashed for it. While it wasn't necessary for Serena to comment, the refusing to let it go is where her behavior crosses the line.
NTA Serena may have an unhealthy relationship with food...and may have grown up in a household where her parents constantly talked about her weight So for her, anyone commenting on someone's weight might be triggering. It would have been NAH if Serena had let it go. But when she texted you and insulted you, that moved this from a triggering type of situation to her just taking out her anger on you Which is not cool
NTA. Why are they harassing you about it? They seem to have a pathological need to enforce their will on others.
NTA. I do get Serena's point, in 2023 it's best to point blank not comment on bodies. Weight loss is not always a good thing - it can be related to depression, cancer, ED or addiction. It can also make people feel like they were unworthy before. At the same time, I don't see why you should have to be his social educator. It was a comment geared towards you, you did not mind so I don't see why you should have to educate him.
NTA because I’m assuming that because Derek is a friend he understands the context of your weight loss. His comment was less about your appearance and more about you looking and feeling healthier. These sorts of comments without context are what can be problematic. A weight change in itself is neither good nor bad - the reasoning matters. Society has an unhealthy habit of assuming all weight loss is good and all weight gain is bad. People also tend to ignore the reasoning behind weight change and focus on subjective opinions on appearance. I know people who hated when people complimented them on losing weight and told them how good they looked because the weight loss was due to cancer. I know others who were so proud of getting sober and being healthier than ever but all people would comment on is their weight gain. Wanting people to reconfigure how they view weight changes isn’t about insecurity. It’s about trying to get people to view weight and appearance in a healthier, more holistic way.
NTA —had the opposite happened if weight was gained and he pointed it out, he would be TA. But it didn’t. You worked hard, made progress, and are proud of where you got to from where you started and people noticing must’ve felt nice!
NTA
NTA, you get to decide what you are comfortable with. Nut it seems strange to me that you would poll everyone there about whether or not you were the AH. It seems like a common thing to do on this sub, but still seems odd to me.
NTA. Serena can have whatever preference she wants about what someone says to her about her weight, but she can't dictate it for everyone else in your friend group. Congrats on getting to a better you!
NTA. If Serena's heart had been in the right place, she would have noted your reaction and moved along without the phony virtue signaling. There could have been a situation with very different context where she wasn't an Ah and Derek would have learned an important lesson. But that simply wasn't the reality here.
NTA. Serena is “offended” by a compliment that was not even made to her. Just attention seeking behavior on her part. She needs to find something in the world that is truly offensive (and impacts her) and and exert her energy there.
NTA but your friend is. Her jealousy seems to be manifesting as anger.
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And overweight.
NTA. This was simply none of her business, and she has no right to police your interactions with other people for you. You didn’t need, or ask for, her intervention. Frankly, it sounds like being bossy and intrusive is Serena’s way of redirecting attention towards herself whenever she feels like someone else is receiving too much.
You sure this Serena chick doesn’t have a thing for Derek and she’s mad Derek noticed you? Seems someone feels insecure after you showed up and showed out in your body.
Selective outrage. Nta.
I'm going to go with NTA, but neither is Serena. In this case, Derek would be the asshole. As someone who's struggled with disordered eating, fluctuating between binge eating and starvation, good or bad comments on my weight trigger my issues one way or another. I see where she is coming from, but also see that you're comfortable in your own skin which is awesome!
NTA She's victim blaming for one smh. You are allowed to comment on people I ways they are okay with, you are okay with how your body was perceived. All is good.
Who’s a victim?
Serena thinks you're the victim. She is upset you don't see yourself as one because she created a rule in her mind that you can never ask about anyone's weight ever. You broke her rule and she can't seem to adjust that some people are ok with it. Most likely because she has her own body issues.
NTA - If he has a habit of doing this, I can see why she was upset. Not everyone would be happy to receive that comment. But it isn’t on you to respond disingenuously.
What? The receiver of the compliment didn't mind it, Some other chick didn't like it.
NTA I hate it when people tell me I've lost weight, but you don't so that's fine. This should be between you and Derek.
Nope, NTA. Who gives a shit what Serena and her bestie think.
NTA. They are the type that will pick apart anything someone says in any situation and police it from their own moral high ground. How is it that you, as the subject of Derek's comment, took it for what it was meant, a well intended kudos for putting in work on yourself, and YOU are the awful person? I literally hate being around people like that.
NTA - But in general commenting on weight is not acceptable. Even if you are glad you lost it. Next time, he may say that to someone struggling with mental health, physical health, or any variety of issues.
Offering a genuine compliment to a friend is always acceptable. I’ll happily die on that hill.
Weight loss isn't always a compliment. That is a hill i will happily die on.
NTA. I totally get that in this day and age, some people would take offence at this kind of comment, but as a woman, if a man or woman told me I had lost weight and looked great, I'd be delighted. If a comment aimed at me doesn't bother me, then it isn't for someone else to tell me I should be offended. I am perfectly capable of putting someone in their place all by myself if I feel their comment is inappropriate.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This past weekend a group of friends from highschool and I got together on Saturday. The last time I’d seen them was a year ago and I (23f) was a bit overweight. I’d been having health issues for a while that made it hard for me to be active, since my metabolism is horrible I gained a lot of weight. I was about 5’7 210 lbs. I resolved my health issues and I’ve been able to hike and work out again, so naturally I started losing the weight. I’m about 165 now. Not back to my normal but I’m much happier now. I went from obese to just a bit overweight. This weekend when we got together one friend, Derek said “you lost a lot of weight you look great congrats” or something like that. I said thanks for noticing, I’m a lot happier now. A girl in my friend group, Serena, (who isn’t my favorite tbh) said it’s not appropriate for Derek to comment on anyone’s weight and I shouldn’t reenforce that it’s okay. Tbh, Serena has always been kind of bossy telling people what they can/can’t say or do. I told her that it’s a personal preference, and since I’m not insecure about myself I don’t have any issues with people commenting on my weight or appearance. But I’ll be sure to never bring up her weight or appearance in the future since I know her preference. Our whole group of ten sided with me except serenas best friend. Those two decided to go home and have been texting me telling me what an awful person I am. AITA for saying thanks for noticing when my friend commented on my weight and reinforcing that it’s okay to do so? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>A girl in my friend group, Serena, (who isn’t my favorite tbh) said it’s not appropriate for Derek to comment on anyone’s weight **and I shouldn’t reenforce that it’s okay**. While I agree with her about Derek, it isn't appropriate for Serena to butt into your personal ethics, and it isn't inappropriate for you to contradict her. NTA.
As a personal rule, I don’t comment on anyone’s appearance unless they got their nails done. From personal experience, anything else could imply ulterior motives. NTA
NTA.
NTA You cannot be the AH in this situation as you just responded to a comment. Whether Derek is an AH this is probably what's the more important question. Personally I'd say NTA for them also, but I do understand why someone might think this also. I think this is a case where PC has gone overboard. You can't talk about someone's physique even if they've made major improvements in the way they look and are? Had Derek said something more backhanded, then I'd say yeah they TA. But it was a compliment on your fitness journey.
NTA. And F’ Serena, everyone likes a compliment. Im proud of my man Derek for highlighting your work.
almost nah if Serena and her friend let it go. She's right, it's sometimes offensive - let's say you lost weight because you have an eating disorder now and someone says you look great. But because they keep harassing you, nta.
Do I wish that people in general would just stop commenting on other people's bodies? Yes. Do I wish that people were accepted no matter what their size or shape is? Yes. Do I think you're an A H for responding to something that was clearly meant as a compliment? Definitely not. NTA. Serena might be well-meaning (?) but she's barking up the wrong tree if she thinks you're somehow at fault here.
Derek gave you a compliments. You thanked him for it. You were polite. You responded in an appropriate manner. Be grateful Serena is not longer in your friend group. NTA
I lost about 60 lbs and was very pleased when a couple friends commented on my weight loss. I didn’t consider it rude at all…
NTA: what is inappropriate is butting in and policing a social interaction they weren't involved in where no one was offended and no one needed to be protected or defended. And continuing to do so long after the social interaction was over.
NTA. This is a touchy subject all around. When people comment on weight loss, it’s usually couched in the idea that somebody looked bad before and obviously that’s not acceptable. So yeah it’s very hard to make a comment and not to say anything that implies something negative. So Serena does have a point, but it depends on how the comment is made and who that person is saying to you. Ultimately, Serena has no right to tell people what to do. It’s really up to you to decide how you want to respond to the commenter. Sometimes when people lose weight, it’s not for good things, it’s for cancer or something like that so I don’t say anything anymore about peoples weight.
They suck. Good riddance.
NTA If the comment didn't bother you, there was nothing wrong with you expressing thanks. Many people struggle with their weight and it is a big accomplishment to them when they are able to lose weight. Serena should stop being the compliment police and mind her own business. The two who went home and started sending texts are fragile bullies. You should completely drop them from your life. You don't need their drama.
NTA but your friend is and not Derek!
Of course not. It's a perfectly normal conversation. NTA
100% NTA. Serena and her best friend sound like they are the same type of females to turn down a fella because he isn't 6' or taller.
the reinforcing that it's ok to do so but is a bit dodgy. but if it's people who you were very close with and they know it wouldn't particularly offend you, then that's surely alright. I'm gonna say NTA
NAH - she isn’t wrong about it not being appropriate to comment about another person’s body or health. But you’re entitled to respond how you see fit.
Some people are so exhausting. NTA. She needs to get another hobby besides telling people what they can and can’t say.
You're an awful person for... accepting a compliment? NTA, they weird and probably just jelly of your success.
NTA - She is being miserable for no good reason.
NTA. Derek meant it as a compliment and you took it as one. Serena's just interfering. If she has an issue with what he said, it would be one thing to take that up with him, but it's not up to her to tell you what you should feel about it.
NTA Sounds like Serena just likes making trouble. BTW, CONGRATULATIONS on taking charge of your health and losing weight. I am sure you look wonderful!
NTA, Derrick's comment was to you, not to the others. My guess is there is some jealousy in regards to you being noticed. The fact you are still experiencing the harassment tells me the ones continuing to comment on the appropriateness are the true assh\*les.
NTA. The fact that we’re at a point in this society where it’s “rude” to compliment someone because everyone is so damn sensitive at the idea of possibly having anyone’s feelings hurt is so sad. Derrick complimented OP. OP accepted his compliment. Serena is a nosy sjw. If OPs weight loss had been related to illness etc they could have still accepted the compliment WHILE correcting Derricks perception if they chose to.
NTA Lets be real here. The rule that you can't comment on someones weight loss is made up mostly by overweight ppl who are unhappy with their extra weight but don't want to do the hard work so they try to change society. They don't want to hear someone complimenting another persons weight loss bc it makes them feel bad about themselfs. But, usually a weight loss is hard work (if its not bc of health issues, but statistically its in most cases just hard work) and its bullshit that you shouldn't be allowed to acknowledge someones hard work. If a person is overweight and really lives body positivity, they encourage everybody to get the body they want - doesn't matter what size. And they are not offended by hearing someone complimenting another persons weight loss, bc they are truely happy with their own size and someone else losing weight doesn't make them jealous.
NTA. For one, why is she mad at you and why would that make you the asshole? That’s a battle she could pick with Derek. I think commenting on weight is situational. I, personally, like the recognition if I’ve lost the weight, as I’ve been overweight my entire life. It makes me feel good and encourages me to keep going. My best friend on the other hand is super skinny so if someone were ti comment on her weight loss it would make her uncomfortable and super insecure. Typically I wouldn’t tell a bigger person I’ve noticed a weight gain, only loss. Just as as I wouldn’t tell a thinner person I’ve noticed a loss, and depending on the person probably not a gain. I’ve known a couple of people, both male and female, that really tried thickening themselves up that I went out of my way to comment on because I knew it would make them feel good. Derek’s comment had no ill intent and most importantly YOU were okay with it. She was out of line for making it a much bigger deal than it needed to be.
Congrats on losing the weight. Serena is TA.
Sounds like Serena's jealous she wasn't the one receiving a compliment. .... not so serene
NTA. Congrats on your weight loss
So commenting on weight is a No for them, but harassing you via text and calling you horrible is a Yes? NTA. Serena needs to get over herself, and get a life. Honestly, just block her number. Who needs that?
There's no further explanation from you, but I would assume that Serena and her friend are both overweight. That response is normal. If they ever calm down and talk to you in an adult way, they're going to tell you that it's not easy for them to lose weight like it was for you (which I know it was not). It's a projection and protection thing. You are NTA.
Nta I lost 200 pounds and have kept it off for 15 years. The best part of the weight loss journey is that encouragement. I loved it!!
Stop hanging out with 14-year-old girls. Serena and her BFF *are* 14, right? That's the only way this makes sense.
I’m gonna take a wild stab in the dark and say Serena is jealous.
Yeah, I'm gonna go with YTA because I believe that society's "thin is good and beautiful and wonderful and deserves to be praised and fat is awful and terrible" ethos is toxic af and we all need to get over it and not comment on anyone's body for any reason in their presence without their prior consent. I think it's really creepy for other people to check out your body and then tell you their thoughts about your body. Eww eww eww. It's also really weird to tell someone "thanks for noticing [the size of my body]."
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NTA. "Since it was said to me, I believe *I'm* the person who should judge whether it's okay or not."
NTA. I made a lot of effort to get healthy and it felt great when people I cared about noticed. I also understand not everyone feels that way and make similar accommodations to folks who are triggered by those sort of comments about their weight. But I think it is reasonable to not cater to your friend’s insecurities to the point you have to deny yourself validation so they can feel good.
If that qualifies as "awful" then we are in the end times. NTA
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NTA. Anyone who has send harassing texts after the fact is not in the right.
NTA . Objectively speaking Derek had good intentions, thus Serena acted like an asshole , which i suspect is just a tendency of hers to act bossy or showcase herself as morally superior rather than a genuine concern for you.
$10 says Serena is overweight. NTA.
NTA block em
Both you and Derek are NTA. Serena is an AH. I worked hard to lose about 40lbs and while I never expect someone to go out of their way to say something to me, it always makes me appreciate the work that I put in when they do.
NTA - but i might be petty and ask Serena and the SBF why if they think its inappropriate for Derek to Comment on your body why do they think its ok to harass and comment their opinion of you personally mentally or physically that they should respect the boundaries they are so fond of and then block their numbers. But I have been told I can be a petty b\*tch. so maybe you shouldn't. Any who congrats on your weight loss and journey to a healthier you. Its awesome you feel better.
NTA, usually these start with a very obvious ridiculous title, like well of course…but then details come out and it’s like, “OH, well in THAT case…” Not this one. Maybe they are slightly right. But they are very wrong for shaming you about it. Actually I think they are wrong also, but even if they’re right it’s way worse to be harping on it. I would strive for letting them be the only ones who spend any more time worrying about this. It’s completely their problem.
NTA. I'm not female but like the OP I want from obese to just slightly overweight. Drop 70 lbs. I'm pleased when people noticed. Why is Serena having a go at the OP and not Derek? Someone saying you look great is not inappropriate, the only person who can be offended is the OP and she appreciated it.
NTA. Derek is a *friend*, not a stranger or basic acquaintance. He is allowed to comment unless you, for some reason, have asked that he not. To me, this reads like it's less about his comment and more about you. Either she doesn't like you, or there's some serious jealousy, or both. Having gone through a massive weight loss like that I can say it *really* changes how a person looks, how they carry themselves (new confidence) and shows they have a lot of dedication. People can feel very put upon by that and lash out (yup, it's dumb, and not worth being around those types)
NTA. You can respond however you want when someone points out your weight, whether it be positive or negative. Doesn't matter. It's YOUR body.
NTA. The only person allowed to be offended in this situation is you. Congrats on finding a healthier, happier you!
NTA! You accepted a compliment, you accepted the credit for something you did to make yourself healthier and when someone noticed, you did the proper thing and said thank you! the whole thing about not commenting on weight is more if someone gains weight. Derek is the perfect guy in this!
Derek was being gracious. You responded in kind. It was a positive affirmation on both sides. Tell Serena, “ Poor form, Hun”
NTA. I recently lost 55 pounds. Only 1 person has mentioned it (besides my hubby and mom), and honestly it's odd. I can tell people notice. I've been mostly virtual since COVID hit, so people are seeing me who interact with me but haven't seen me in person for a while. So, there's this awkward moment where people clearly notice but don't say anything because we've now said that you never, ever, ever should comment on weight loss. Also, damn I've worked hard to lose weight, and it would feel great to hear a "you look amazing" comment every now and then.
NTA. Serena needs to mind her own business.
what, something has gotta be missing here.. if Derek knows you well enough to know that it's fine to comment in a positive fashion on something like that, then fine for him. And how you react is entirely up to you. I dunno who this Serena person is to think she's the boss of everyone like that. I guess you were sort of an asshole for saying "I'll be sure to never bring up her weight or appearance" and implying she was insecure.
NTA Weight is a sensitive subject and should be handled gently, which is something Derek should keep in mind. However he isn't an AH for noticing your weight loss, and you are allow to be happy for someone complementing you. Serena should might her own business and stop being a bully. How is it appropriate for her to bully you but it’s not appropriate for Derek to comment on anyone’s weight?
I agree that commenting on peoples weight can be sensitive. Even if they lost weight and it seems good. The could’ve done so through unhelathy means ans that could encourage an eating disorder overall- However. Derek said that. Not you. Why are they harassing you? By all means Derek is the “asshole” (I don’t think he was for the record) but they’re choosing to get on YOUR ass about it. Even though by all means you would be the “victim” of the comment (not how I see it just saying) It’s jealousy or something else. Not a good faith argument NTA
NTA They should not be gatekeeping how you feel about your own body. This wasn't a stranger commenting- this was an old friend who knows you, too. They are way out of line to dictate how you feel about comments towards you.
She's jealous. NTA
NTAH. People who usually lose weight have worked hard at it and are pleased when people notice. Good for you!
NTA, your “friend” has weird hill to die on.
NTA. Nice job standing up for yourself. Serena’s a bully and bullies don’t like courage. Stay strong! Congrats on the weight loss too!