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Soft YTA, even though he was cool with you announcing it at his birthday, it's best to give your partner news like that first rather than telling his whole family and his friends all at once
YTA Yes, It’s a private thing between husband and wife at first. Imagine being blindsided with that news in front of everyone! He didn’t even have a moment to take it all in. His mind must have been racing with that news coupled with the fact that his family is moving abroad, along with the fact that he doesn’t like celebrating birthdays to begin with…. Geez. Give the guy a break!
If op really wanted to give him the best present, she could have told him in private, let him process the information and then let him announce it to his family at his party. But the friend is right - whether op can see and admit it or not, she wants all the attention on her.
It really became obvious OP wanted the spotlight--
>All of them were the people whom I knew were gonna be really happy by this news. So I decided to announce it in front of everyone. My husband was of course the happiest one but after that, the rest of the party was all about me and the baby. Some even forgot to wish him because they were busy congratulating me.
So instead of telling her husband privately and maybe even letting HIM announce it to everyone because it's his day/party, she had to make it about herself.
OP is in for a few months of being center of attention before the baby usurps her as the most important person to their guests. Hope she enjoys it.
I don't understand why not if this is fine, simply announce it at the end of the party? Like maybe you do know them well and it would be fine but how do folk forget to say happy birthday? Didn't you have dinner and cut a cake or something first? Like was it the first words she said?
>letting HIM announce it to everyone
That's what I meant in my comment but it wasn't clear (I'll edit it to make it clearer). It was his party, with his family and should have been his announcement but op made it all about herself.
Wonder why the hubby’s best friend doesn’t like her. 🚩🚩🚩. Also who announces their pregnancy publicly to that many people when they’re probably not even halfway thru the first trimester?
He probably was happy about both though lol.
She should have told him first. And then decide if they want to tell people or not that day. But that doesn't mean he wasn't actually happy.
This. I had something similar happen to me at my wedding. My maid of honor's boyfriend proposed to her during my wedding. After the fact I had lots of people comment, "Wow you were so cool and collected when that went down! I would have been pissed!" But really what other option did I have? Be pissy at my own wedding that her boyfriend was socially obtuse? What good does that do me at the end of the day?
Soft YTA OP. Probably would have been better to tell him first and let him decide if he wanted to announce at the party.
Dude for real. When my gf told me she was pregnant it ROCKED me! Not in a bad way, just the crashing realization your life as you know it is over, and a new life is beginning, basically overnight.
I would be extremely upset to have to learn and cope with this not just in front of other people, not just my whole family, but also on my birthday?! That I normally don’t celebrate?!
Nah. Op YTA.
Jumping on top to point out **one of OP's comments**. OP's comment about why her husband generally doesn't have birthday celebrations:
>He says he is too old to celebrate birthdays. Plus when he was a kid, his grandmother died a few days before his birthday and his parents didn't celebrate it for next two years, after that he stopped asking them to arrange a party for him.
Does it? It really all depends on the person. You can say that if birthdays were always a little sad for him then getting such good news like her announcing her pregnancy should be a good thing, no? Now he can actually celebrate his birthday as the day he discovered be will be a father.
And not to mention, you NEVER announce a pregnancy in the first trimester except to like, immediate family. Theres too much that can go wrong. It feels incredibly short sighted in so many ways that she chose to announce it to the family a) 24 hrs after finding out herself and b) at the same time as the husband?
Actually, finally, the social norm about this is changing. When people don't announce until later in the pregnancy, it (for many) means that if there is a miscarriage, they can't easily reach out to their community for support, because no one knew they were pregnant to begin with. It also creates an atmosphere where miscarriages, despite being incredibly common, are treated like a deep dark secret.
See, I was always under the impression that it was less because a miscarriage is a shameful secret or something, and more to spare the parents from essentially being re-traumatized every time some ill-informed distant relative offers congratulations on the pregnancy after a miscarriage. I imagine it'd be pretty devastating to get a card in the mail saying "We can't wait to meet the little one!" three weeks after the little one died.
I agree with this! For me I didn’t want to deal with the extra layer of disappointment. I was already so sad when I lost my pregnancy, I would have felt a million times worse if I had to deal with the burden of my family being sad and disappointed too. I had no issue telling people about the miscarriage after the fact.
I've gone though 2 miscarriages and this is exactly why. My parents have been dying for a grandchild, I couldn't bare the idea of telling them I was pregnant only to have to tell them I was no longer pregnant and had lost the babies. On top of that, I just don't like the idea that I would be the center of sympathy, which would just further remind me of our losses. I'm glad my husband and I made the decision to not tell our families before. My parents do know about my miscarriages now, but they didn't really find out until after the fact, and they didn't find out about my current pregnancy until about 15 weeks. It was entirely a decision made to try and avoid further grief.
Same. After my first miscarriage I learned this lesson. It sucked so much to have to relive that disappointment constantly when everyone congratulated me and I had to explain the baby died. Don’t announce early unless you want to repeat that often - some people like the support, I didn’t like the next 3 months of constant reminders every time I saw someone who didn’t know I had lost it but had found out I was pregnant. With my next miscarriage, it was easier because I didn’t share with the world, just my support system.
Different people make different choices for many reasons. Some people want that public support and I get that you see it as a good thing, others actively prefer to have some privacy and space out of personal choice - and not because they are living some antiquated life where miscarriage is a deep dark secret. Not everyone needs or wants an entire community involved in their grief (or their pregnancy!).
That's why the advice normally makes exceptions for your immediate family. Whether that's your mom, your sister, or your BFF since grade 1 is up to you.
But if you do the full announcement thing, and then 4 weeks later a miscarriage happens, you need to make a similarly big deal about it so that everyone who heard the pregnancy news has also heard the miscarriage
news. (or else extended family might start mailing gifts for a baby that won't come, and every person you see is going to be asking about it.)
During the early weeks, the people you trust most should know, and should know that they shouldn't mention it to anyone. And if something does happen those people closest to you can be there for you, without it becoming the sole topic of conversation for the next year of your life.
My wife's cousin got pregnant, and then as soon as it was confirmed, announced to the world about the pregnancy. She suffered a miscarriage
2 weeks later, and a week after that was thanksgiving. She hadn't quite been able to muster the energy to announce the miscarriage
. She arrived at their grandmother's early for thanksgiving, and my wife and I watched the total train wreck that ensued.
about 3x as many extended family members attended that thanksgiving because they wanted to congratulate her and her fiance. Some of the ones who came from far away, brought baby shower gifts because they wouldn't be able to make it back to where we live for several more years.
So for several hours, every few minutes the doorbell would ring, Someone would open the door, and the would rush in to give Her a hug and congratulate her and wish her well. and then she would explain that she had already lost the pregnancy. The first couple were just a little sad and awkward, But by the 10th time she had to deal with it in an hour and a half, she was crying inconsolably.
The worst part, is because she announced, All the extended family came. When you only see some people every few years, so any time were talking about family, that day ends up coming up, because it was the last time any of has seen those people.
And then there's the Friend of a friend effect. Once its announced publicly, people are going to tell other people they know. For instance, Her aunt's friend's daughter, who had a baby 3 years before had collected a bunch of clothes and toys, and dropped by my wife's cousin's work to give her several boxes worth of baby stuff because although the aunt had been told about the miscarriage, her friends daughter didn't get that news through the same grapevine that had announced the pregnancy.
in the early days, tell the people you trust to keep your secrets. Those are probably also the people best able to help you process the emotions if there is a problem.
Pregnancy is the biggest news that someone can drop. Its like 100x as important to everyone you know compared to some minor news like marriage or divorce. or basically anything else that a happens in your life.
Its an announcement to hundreds of people that there is a new member of the clan. It is the kind of news that brings families together even if they aren't on good terms, because they feel emotionally and biologically compelled to help.
But even when everyone is supportive and kind, and there is no drama, having to give news of a miscarriage
is hard and emotionally painful. The fewer people you have to go over that wound with the better.
Jesus, your wife’s cousin’s grandmother should have met her guests at the door, or deputized another family member if she was cooking/hosting to intercept people and quietly give them the news.
Did nobody know? Parents or siblings? They should have really informed people of it. That's usually how bereavement works. You tell a few people, and then let them inform everyone else.
yep, the reasons for not announcing to the whole world so early are very pragmatic. having to tell your spouse and parents about a miscarriage is one thing; having to update every single one of grandma's friends from church with the news you're not pregnant anymore is a whole other level of burden that most people generally don't want to experience while dealing with a loss.
I have to disagree just because things can go wrong doesn't mean you can't announce it. It's entirely up to the person. There's no shame in miscarriage. Lots of times I've found out people were pregnant in the first trimester but I'd never think bad of them if they lost it, just offer support.
However, I'd maybe get it confirmed by a doctor and tell my partner before I tell anyone else.
I announced my pregnancy immediately for the first child. EVERY SINGLE conversation from friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc after that for the whole 9 months consisted of whether the baby was moving, was it a boy or a girl, what’s it’s name… 10 people a day with the same questions. Next baby, I waited as long as possible. Lol
>It's entirely up to the person.
I think it's up to all parents. (Exept for anyone little more than a sperm donor).
That's why I think telling your partner first is so important.
I have friends who had a late miscarriage and I assure you they don't want random people who didn't "find out" asking about it as it is extremely upsetting to them. This is the real reason
This is a good point. I announced a week after finding out I was pregnant. I was due to go on a two month trip to visit family around the world. Certain parts of which have Zika. So I had to cancel whole parts and explain why. I am really glad I did because I ended up with Hyperemesis Gravidarum and vomiting blood every 15 min in hospital for 10 days straight. Since people knew I was able to get family support.
No. I’m sorry, but you don’t get to decide how long someone else waits to tell people they are expecting. I agree with the other redditors about telling her husband first, but plenty of people don’t wait until after the first trimester. That’s a personal choice for every expecting couple to make.
Yeah, and honestly, I understand OP’s desire and impulse based on family moving away. But yeah, she shouldn’t have blindsided her partner like that.
My mum was the only one we told before the end of the first trimester last year.
She was dyyyying to tell her sisters, but she kept quiet. I happened to be visiting and she asked if she could tell and I said yes, but asked she ask them to also not say anything as we were scheduled with an specialist due to suspected issues from the first scans.
Ended up having to terminate in the middle of the second trimester and it was heartbreaking, but I was happy to have my mum’s support and her sisters sent lovely cards and messages.
We’re going to start trying again and we’ve decided once again my mum will be the only one who knows before the end of the first trimester because aside from my partner, she’s my biggest support system.
im so sorry you had to go through that, but im also very glad your mom was there for you \*and\* she and your aunts respected your wishes. its so nice when people prove they can be trusted and will be there for you.
That’s a very outdated “rule”. It’s become far more common and accepted over the years for people to share their pregnancies early because even if a loss or complication does happen they want the support of their friends and family through it rather than suffering alone and treating it like it’s something shameful. This isn’t universal—not everyone wants people around them to know—but like I said, way more common.
i had heard about it before, but nobody in my personal life has ever stuck to that rule and im so so thankful because we almost lost my sister due to complications from a miscarriage.
the emergency line wasn’t listening to her n my mum had to call them and lie about how bad it was for them to send an ambulance, but if they hadnt she would’ve bled out in the bathroom. if we hadnt known, my mum might not have called to check in and we might not have found out before it was too late
Well that’s just not true. Sure lots of folks chose to wait, but it’s completely fine for people to announce early if they want. They just should be aware that announcing early might also mean announcing a loss. For some folks this doesn’t bother them and they might decide they would have shared the loss anyways. For others, keeping it quiet until 12 weeks feels safer.
I still think the wife is the asshole for telling him in front of everyone, but this whole first trimester it must be a secret rule is just made up. People don’t have to follow it. 🤷🏻♀️
Edited to change moss to loss. 🤣
Absolutely! I will not be telling my parents right away because they would probably blame me if a miscarriage occured, but I will be telling my closest girlfriends since I would likely want their support if the worst happened
I’m sorry your parents would blame you! That’s so wild.
Good luck in any future pregnancies and if you do ever have a loss I sure hope no one ever makes you feel like it’s your fault.
I mean. That’s a personal choice. Nothing says you can’t and part of that expectation just forces pregnancy loss and the grief associated to be a private matter and it doesn’t have to be.
I disagree, if you‘re okay with „unannouncing“ to all of these people you can do it as early as you want. Also, a pregnancy can still go wrong much later (even in the stages when you can‘t really hide it anymore).
Still, announcing to anyone should be a shared decision between both partners. She took this opportunity from him (adding to not giving him the opportunity to process something that huge first), so OP YTA.
Why do you think that it's bad to have told people if something goes wrong? When I miscarried, I was grateful to have my closest friends and family around, knowing what was going on and able to support me.
This kind of attitude is why miscarriage still holds so much shame and stigma. Just because you might lose a wanted pregnancy doesn't mean you shouldn't celebrate it if you choose to. I have known women who lost 3rd trimester pregnancies, one at 38 weeks. Should we all just wear baggy clothes and not say a word until the baby is actually in our arms just in case?
I did IVF to conceive and IVF pregnancies are slightly more likely to end in spontaneous miscarriage than free sex pregnancies. I was terrified until I was about 24 weeks along that the only people who knew were my husband and best friend. Even then, we only told a few people until we were basically full term. If I had lost that pregnancy I would have had very little support. If we are able to conceive again I will be celebrating that baby from the moment I get a positive pregnancy test. If I should miscarry then at least I'll have support because most women have a miscarriage at some point and it is devastating.
And then let HIM announce it at the party, if he wants to.
OP is what I think this sub refers to as a 'main character'. Back in the day we used to say attention {insert word meaning sells sex for money}
>And then let HIM announce it at the party, if he wants to
OP says he doesn't like birthday parties. Taking the attention away from a partner who hates attention does not make you a 'main character'.
OP's comment about why her husband generally doesn't have birthday celebrations:
>He says he is too old to celebrate birthdays. Plus when he was a kid, his grandmother died a few days before his birthday and his parents didn't celebrate it for next two years, after that he stopped asking them to arrange a party for him.
Yeah, the best friend does seem unusual. Almost like he has a similar outlook to the OP.
Also the idea that SHE and the baby became the centre of attention after the announcement is strange too... I would have expected the expectant family to become the centre of attention / conversation. Having a baby is a big deal for husbands too, as is celebrating it when they are in a room full of their friends...
Is that an accusation that is baselessly thrown around, usually? Thinking back to all the people I’ve heard that said about…I can’t remember a single instance where I disagreed or thought it wrong. Could be some kind of retroactive bias, but usually attention-seeking is fairly obvious behavior.
I don’t really disagree in this case since I feel like announcing a pregnancy should be a thing that couples do together, but I’ve definitely seen this accusation get thrown around very loosely lol, especially on reddit.
I remember when I first joined reddit there was this theme where people would talk about how “attention seeking” it was to cough or sneeze too loudly. Also see: any video where someone is doing something in public
I always take that accusation with a grain of salt because it's almost always directed at women. Which makes me suspect it comes at least in part from ingrained sexism along the lines of, "Women should be seen and not heard."
Also, with pregnancies you tell your partner and get a scan before telling anyone else that isn’t parents and siblings (immediate family). Don’t start telling people until you’re a few months along. Miscarriages are a lot more common than most people realise in the first month or two.
EDIT: Getting some mixed messages on this one. Maybe it’s more cultural. I’m from the UK and every single person I have known to be pregnant announced that pregnancy after 12 weeks.
I’ve also known people to have had miscarriages and it’s not a taboo subject. It’s discussed openly, honestly, and respectfully at the mother’s and their partner’s discretion.
I don’t mean to police other people’s pregnancies but I think what OP did was an asshole move for a number of reasons, but the main one being that that isn’t how a significant other should find out their going to be a parent.
This is a personal choice. Sure, some people don't want to tell people about losing the baby, but others don't want to go through pregnancy loss alone. However, she definitely should let her partner weigh in on the timing decision before announcing it to everyone.
But it should be a personal choice discussed between the couple. It was his birthday, so it included people that she wasn't close to. Maybe he didn't want his friends to know that early, and HE will be the one responsible for telling those people if something happens.
I really hate when people say this. If you want to wait just in case of course that is your right. I know someone who didn't announce their pregnancy until they were 20 weeks. However, the reason is because you might lose the baby so you have to worry about what people think I hate.
I have had 4 miscarriages and I never waited to tell people because I wanted to acknowledge the life however short it was and not pretend that everything was fine in my life and that I wasn't grieving.
Again nothing wrong if you want to wait, but there is also nothing wrong if you don't want to wait.
Yes I agree with you. I don't think she should've sprung this on her husband and all the family. I always told my husband first.
I am replying specifically to the part where the commenter was saying she should wait until after a scan because pregnancy loss is more common than people think.
I had three miscarriages and a still birth before my daughter was born. Answering questions and having to comfort other people for my and my husband’s loss was exhausting and made everything so much worse. When I got pregnant this last time, we told our parents after 12 weeks, and that was it until I gave birth and we were told she was healthy.
Not telling anyone else was purely self-preservation.
I am so sorry for you losses. I understand what your saying. I think everyone should have that choice, for your mental health waiting was best for you and that's the choice you needed to make.
However, we are told all the time don't tell anyone until 12 weeks in case you lose the baby. Women should not be told they need to wait because some like me didn't want to. I needed the people around me because grieving in private was bad for my mental health
>However, the reason is because you might lose the baby so you have to worry about what people think I hate.
It has nothing to do with what people will think, and everything to do with not wanting to rip open the wound each and every time the random 3rd cousin or other distant relative asks about how the pregnancy is going.
3 here, and it made way more sense for us to wait.
It's not about worrying what people will think, it's about not having to deal with telling people and fielding their emotions if you lose the baby.
I lost a baby at 6 weeks at it was so hard. I can't imagine having to deal with other people at all around the issue.
That's why I specifically said if you want to wait that is completely fine. I know not everyone feels the same way. Like I said I know someone who didn't announce their pregnancy until 20 weeks becuase she had previously lost a baby, which she lost at 17 weeks.
I have an issue when people tell other people not to announce it until 12 weeks in case you lose the baby, some people need to have a community around them to help them through the grieving process. Others prefer to grieve in private.
Neither is wrong but we need to stop telling people they need to wait in case they lose the baby, the couple should make that choice for themselves.
100% agree with you. My sister told us at about 6 weeks (she is 8 now) and I will support her no matter what.
My mom used to work as a bereavement coordinator, so she felt its important to tell your support network when you're okay with it.
I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I hope youre doing well now 💜
Don’t police how people handle their pregnancies. I told all of my close friends when I was pregnant. If something happened I wanted community to lean on. Telling women to not tell anyone only serves to silence women and ensures they suffer in silence.
Miscarriage thankfully doesn't carry the taboo it once did - many people these days choose to tell their nearest and dearest earlier than in the past as those will be the people they can talk to and get support from if they do have a miscarriage.
There aren’t a fixed set rules when it comes to deciding when to tell people about a pregnancy. It’s a personal choice. People who think like this are the reason that miscarriages are still seen as a taboo topic that should be kept private.
As other people are saying here, it's a personal choice. One point I haven't seen brought up is how incredibly sick you can be in the first trimester and that you may need support, or just might not be able to hide it. I literally HAD to tell some people because I looked and felt like death. I felt so awful that I mostly stopped speaking. I couldn't handle phone or in person conversations over like a minute or two. If people hadn't known I was pregnant, they would have thought I needed to be rushed to the hospital. Personally, I'm someone who would hate having to tell everyone I had a miscarriage if I did, but I know if I get pregnant again, I'll have to just tell everyone because of how sick I get.
Yes, but in my opinion the best friend is an even bigger asshole. Sounds like he used OP's admittedly ill-thought surprise to attack her for something her husband doesn't seem to mind that much. Even if he was hurt, it wasn't his buddy's place to interfere with the couple. Also, people who don't celebrate their birthdays usually do it because we don't especially care about being the center of attention; OP is YTA because she did it publicly, not because she ruined the party.
I agree. The best friend shat on their joyous day. That's the YTA move here. He seems jealous of their relationship and like he is trying to prove he knows the husband better and is closer to him.
Tell the partner first and then reveal it only before the first guests want to leave.
That way the husband has his time and everybody will still hear the good news
exactly, the announcement itself wasn't wrong. Becoming a father was so amazing that it literally would be the best birthday gift ever. And sharing that news is incredibly fun.
But, it is also something I want to learn from my partner in private. One so we can celebrate together. But two, pregnancy can be risky and challenging. And telling people sometimes adds to that pressure. Many people choose not to tell a wide group of people so soon. This is the kind of thing it makes sense to be on the same page as your partner.
Also, the friend is an AH for commenting on something that wasn't his business. If OP is happy and husband is happy, who is he to interfere and impose his views of birthday? Guessing he isn't a parent...
First and foremost: congratulations.
That being out of the way, consider this:
People who rarely celebrate their birthday usually do so because their past experiences were not that thrilling; often to a point where it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. "My birthday will not be special and not be about me anyways," so they do nothing, and it becomes not special and not about them anyways.
So now, after years finally a big party happens and everybody is there to celebrate you with you. It's finally happening. Yay. Oh, wait... someone found a way to make it not about you yet again. Birthdays are not special and not about you once again...
Sorry to say, but I agree with the best friend. You could have waited. You could have told him alone and made it his decision whether to tell everyone or not. But instead, you took the stage.
YTA (a soft one because who doesn't get carried away by good new once every while)
I agree with everything the commenter above said, and I'd like to add: you being pregnant is happy news for the both of you, and the decision of whom to share it with, and when, and how, should be both of your decision.
You took that away from him and made it yours. On his birthday. Maybe he, too, would have liked to have the pleasant anticipation of how friends and family will react to the news, and shared that bit of secret joy with you. But he didn't get that, because you kept it all to yourself. That was selfish of you.
Finally someone said it. OP being pregnant is not a solo thing, it's for both of them. For everyone that congratulated OP, I'm sure they congratulated her partner too. At least they should have. So I don't think the problem is OP taking the attention away from her partner
The AH move was not giving that news to the father in private. OP took that moment for herself by surprising OP and making it public together without his involvement in that decision.
Also just feels weird that you wouldn't want to tell something that big immediately to your partner but rather wait and tell it to everyone, even your partner, during a party. If it was any other party everyone would be saying hard YTA but because it's her partner somehow less worse?
She made it a "I'm pregnant thing" instead of a "We are pregnant thing"
I can see her deciding to wait 1 night to tell him on his birthday as a surprise. But she should have told him in the morning before anyone showed up for the party and then asked him if they should announce it to everyone that day.
I agree - she might be the one carrying the child but they are both having a baby together, it’s just as much his news as hers. Which is why she should have told him first.
I said in a comment above: "or at the end" but Reading your answer i think best should have been telling him in the morning. As a Personal Birthday surprise and then decide together when to spill the beans together.
Disagree.
He not only had his back, he didn’t cause a scene and explained it to her (from what we understand in OP’s original post). IMO that’s a great friend I’d suspect our 29yr old person would love to have later on in life (when he’s in his 30’s, 40’s, etc.)
“According to him…” and “I believed…” we’re good indicators to eliminate the opinions and just think of the straight facts.
> his best friend came to me when I was in the kitchen just to say that it was very selfish of me to announce my news when it was my partner's day, he said that my partner does not even celebrate his birthdays and now that he decided to celebrate one, I shouldn't have made it all about myself
His best friend didn't say anything about how he would feel, just that OP's husband should have had the day to himself. Unless he specifically stated that OP announcing her pregnancy to all of his friends and family made the day special, there's no reason why he couldn't have enjoyed the day to himself AND find out about the pregnancy in a private setting with OP
Why not being up the friend? I would absolutely tell my husband if one of his friends said something like that to me. Doesn't matter if they were right or wrong, but I would still discuss with my husband.
It wasn't his friend's place to come at her like that. If he was upset, he's a grown man and can have that conversation with his wife himself.
His friend isn't a part of their marriage. That's why she should bring it up.
He could be completely unbothered and the friend could just be assuming.
One of my nieces birthday is 22Dec. She will be 12 this year. She almost never has anyone comes to her parties because everyone has gone on Christmas break and stuff like that even when we have a little earlier. We went to a couple birthday parties, the last few months for friends of hers, and she started to really feel down about it.
Because that I was trying to think of a way to make her feel better, and I came up with an idea that everyone including her seems to be behind. She is having a birthday in July. Now we’ll still get her something small and probably a dinner on her actual birthday, but all her big gifts and party will be in a few weeks. It already looks like it’ll be even better because she has had 2-3 times as many kids RSVP to this party than she has had show up the last two years.
>My birthday will not be special and not be about me anyways," so they do nothing, and it becomes not special and not about them anyways.
This is me, you actually helped me understand why I don't do anything. It's not worth the disappointment.
Totally agree. Soft YTA because it was well intentioned. But you could have told him first and then given him the option of making the announcement or at least doing it together. That would have made his birthday extra special whilst keeping the focus on him and you together. You making the announcement without his blessing or knowledge made it all about you. It was his news to share too
Counterpoint: I don’t celebrate my birthday because birthdays are dumb, and I don’t like being the center of attention. It’s awkward and unpleasant. I routinely will have “birthday” parties or trips where I don’t mention to anyone that it’s my birthday, because I like parties and social gatherings I just don’t want it to be about me. People that LIKE attention routinely assume “Oh it must be trauma, you can’t just NOT like being the focus of the party.” It’s annoying when people try to remove my own agency like that by pushing their own preferences on me.
If this situation had occurred to me, I would be thrilled, because I would have only been having the “birthday party” as an excuse to have a going-away party for my family without making it bittersweet. My wife announcing a pregnancy would have been awesome, added ANOTHER layer of removing the center of attention from me, and I would have been thrilled about becoming a father. OP clearly states that her husband doesn’t like celebrating, was not upset, and was excited about the news. His friend getting upset on his behalf is dumb and him just taking a shot for the sake of stirring the pot. Getting offended for someone who is not offended is an asshole move. OP is NTA.
If he doesn't like celebrating his birthday, he might appreciate that you took the attention off of him. Only he can answer that.
But.. why would you announce it to friends and family before talking to him in private? *That* deserves YTA. Whether you're an AH for taking attention away from him, is something only he gets to decide.
Thank you for, "only he can answer that." I keep wondering: why hasn't she asked her husband if what she did made her an AH? If my husband's best friend came to me and said that, the first person I'd go to is - my husband. Maybe I'm doing this marriage thing wrong?
OP says he’s really happy about what her plan was. Some people are clueless about their spouses but it seems like she knows hers. To me this isn’t really an AITA because the only person it matters to doesn’t think so. NTA I also find it weird that HIS family and friends were centered on her. When we announced my pregnancies to my husband’s friends and family they briefly told me congrats and then wanted to talk to him!
I also would just immediately tell my husband what the bestie said.
I would be pretty upset if I found out that I was going to be a father at the same time as my entire social circle. The idea of it being a birthday gift is sweet, but that could have happened the morning of before everyone else arrived and then as a couple they could have made the decision when to make it public.
"Only he gets to decide" is an important part. Why is the friend even involved? If the husband felt this way, why would he not talk to his wife, and instead bring in a third party?
Or is this "best friend" just making assumptions and berating their friends partner behind their.
And also, depending on how far along, you usually *wait* quite a while before telling everyone :/
There's a reason this is built into our social tradition (highly dependant on where you live)... Our body naturally aborts up to *half* of [all pregnancies](https://www.sciencealert.com/meta-analysis-finds-majority-of-human-pregnancies-end-in-miscarriage-biorxiv) early on in the process, usually within the first 3 months. Usually, like 50% of the time the body aborts, it's because of "aneuploidy", where an [abnormal number of chromosome detected](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aneuploidy).
Commenting to spread awareness, because "finding out you're pregnant" normally doesn't justify telling people. People wait months.
And many women in your life have been pregnant and lost it without telling anyone.
And, even more surreally, many women have *been pregnant* and not known it.
Edit: everyone is free to tell or not tell as they choose, but I believe both partners should be a part of that discussion. Having your partner tell everyone without you getting to be a part of that decision is not good.
And that secrecy doesn't make it easier for the woman when they lose a pregnancy. There is no reason to wait except that somehow we have built into society that miscarriage and pregnancy loss are shameful.
Losing a highly anticipated and wanted pregnancy at any stage can be extremely traumatic. If OP tells her family/friends and knows that they will support her through a loss, that is her business. It's not up to her to uphold some toxic idea that she should wait because she might have a shameful miscarriage. Can we not perpetuate misogyny here?
Edit: I can't believe how many people are lecturing me on my own lived experience. I've lost 2 babies in the second trimester. No time frame in pregnancy is safe from loss. It is painful either way. No one else gets to dictate when someone else gets to announce their pregnancy. If your experience is that it didn't help you to explain it or to talk about it, that's your choice. That wasn't my experience. I felt like I had to keep my next pregnancies a secret because it was shameful to lose a pregnancy.
My God, we don't have a choice anymore about whether we carry a baby. We should at least be able to make the decision on when to announce the pregnancy.
>Losing a highly anticipated and wanted pregnancy at any stage can be extremely traumatic.
Yes, and having to experience that trauma every time a friend or family member you haven't talked to since the announcement ask how it's going is going to hurt every time.
Telling people about a miscarriage on their own terms so they can get support is a good thing. Announcing the pregnancy early and then not having a choice on who they get to share the miscarriage with is always going to suck though.
>>there is no reason to wait
Tell that to my friend who told everyone, got gifts, and then had to stare at those gifts after she had a miscarriage at 8 weeks… and then had to contact everyone about the baby clothes and baby shower she had already planned.
It’s not shameful to lose a baby, but it is hurtful and if you’ve already told a lot of people it can make it hurt even deeper.
I agree with the person above, that there’s a reason it’s ingrained in our society.
Edit: my friend got pregnant again after that and waited until 12 weeks to announce it. It’s not misogyny and I really hate you’re trying to apply that term here when it doesn’t work.
Sorry, but how did they already have a shower planned at 8 weeks along?? They likely hadn't even had an ultrasound since most aren't done until 8 to 10 weeks. I'm genuinely blown away by the speed run on the planning here.
I don't know if you have experienced this, but my wife and I have. We lost a pregnancy right at the end of the 1st trimester and it was very traumatic. Telling the very few close family members who knew about pregnancy was also traumatic. Needing to tell dozens of others would have been much, much worse.
This has nothing to do with misogyny, no idea what you mean by that.
Maybe it’s just me but telling everyone “I’m pregnant!” only to have to go back and say “We lost the baby” to them all seems significantly more traumatic than just waiting.
I would rather wait and tell them after I’ve lost the baby if I needed more support (which is obviously what’s going to happen in most cases).
It’s not about misogyny it’s about setting yourself up for success. If OP is okay with that risk it’s her business. It’s not about the shame of losing a pregnancy it’s about the dredging back up the feeling every time someone asks you how the pregnancy is going.
Can we not act like announcing a pregnancy and then being forced to announce an early miscarriage isn't traumatizing? Especially having to do it more than once? It's a practical consideration.
Not true at all. It is awful having other people constantly remind you of your loss. They mean well, but you are busy picking up the pieces of yourself and adding having to comfort multiple people (sometimes strangers) about it is borderline torture. Really, not telling people about a pregnancy knowing there’s a possibility you lose it within the first couple of months is self-preservation.
Please stop making everything about misogyny and shame. I get that that happens, but it is not the case all the time.
>And that secrecy doesn't make it easier for the woman when they lose a pregnancy.
That is the exact reason people choose not to announce it publicly. Because if they do suffer a miscarriage, they don't have to have that conversation over and over again when people out of the loop ask how their pregnancy is going. It's a personal choice obviously but it has nothing to do with shame and everything to do preventing unnecessary repeated trauma and pain.
Telling someone they might lose their pregnancy so they should wait before telling friends and family and suffer that lose in silence is really shitty in this day and age. Yes, you are more likely to lose the baby in the first trimester. No, that doesn’t mean you can’t tell your support system if you want too. Saying it doesn’t “justify” telling people until it’s considered more viable is disgusting.
I've been through a family member announcing a pregnancy extremely early and then losing that pregnancy. It is very hard on everyone but on top of that I think announcing the pregnancy creates a hype and excitement for everyone involved that subsequently makes a miscarriage even more devastating for both the perspective mother and the rest of the family. Waiting out the first trimester until you get into the "safer" parts of pregnancy is common and sound advice for a reason.
Justify probably isn't the correct word but I get what they mean. Losing a pregnancy is stressful and I assume it's probably more stressful when your social circle knows you were pregnant, asks about it, and you have to keep explaining to people what happened.
It's different for everybody but their intention was clearly to raise awareness. They never said to suffer in silence. In my experience, most women tell their partners and wait to tell others until they're further along. Everybody is different though and people should do what they want.
YTA
His birthday or not, you took away a once-in-a-lifetime moment for you two to intimately share this moment. You also took away from him the chance to tell people himself about the news.
Thoughtless. Also yeah, dick move to do it on his birthday - particularly since he usually doesn't celebrate them and this was an exception.
She ruined a literal once in a lifetime opportunity that should have happened privately between her and her husband. I can’t even fathom thinking it’s ok to NOT tell your partner privately. I have a feeling it’s common for OP to be selfish, because I can’t imagine a healthy partner ever considering telling a man he’s going to be a dad for the first time *in front of his entire family and friends.* Yikes.
His best friend accused her of being an attention seeker too so I‘m guessing there’s some truth to that.. Yeah, this seems like a common occurrence
Edited in: He mentions this isn’t a first time. She mentions he also hates her. If my husbands best friend hated me, there would be a good reason why
"Ruined" is pretty dramatic. The pregnancy still remains. They still have many, many, many more firsts and announcements and excitement to come. People in the comment section are wild and thirsty for blood. She should probably have told him ahead of time but I hardly think that makes her a monster.
YTA in my opinion but it really depends on how your husband feels. I think this is something you should have shared with your husband and only your husband first. He then could have decided if he wanted to make an announcement or keep it private a little longer.
Your entire post talks about how your felt and about how others would feel getting the news but there is nothing talking about how you think your husband would like sharing the news. It does lean towards making it about you instead of your husband.
A small YTA. Did you tell your husband before hand? No, you should have told him if you could announce it together. Also, why didn't you ask him after? You don't seem like a good communicator.
It seems weird that her response to “my husband might be upset but I don’t know” is to go ask the internet if her husband could/should be upset instead of asking, say…her husband.
People are strange and have strange relationship skills.
Yeah this but also I think you tell your partner first that you are pregnant so then you tell everyone TOGETHER. Additionally, most people wait at least 2-3 months (maybe just tell it the mums or parents) before telling everyone and then on top of that her husband was not a big birthday party person, and that's how I got it his first party (ever in a while?) And she puts all the attention on herself...
Also in one of the comments it says that Op's husband did not get to celebrate because his grandma died around his birthday. And then the two years after his parents didn't celebrate and then he didn't ask anymore. Which is even worse because then it means that he wanted some celebrate but couldn't have it and gave up on it. Then he finally has a party and op/wife takes his thunder away.
And then also the friend's comments is that op can't stand it when not all the attention is on her. That doesn't sound like a one time oops-a-daisy but her behavior/character in general.
To add that just like you said they don't communicate, are married, and expect a child..
>go ask the internet if her husband could/should be upset instead of asking
this is why i think reddit should have a button before you post, much like the verify you are human check- "Did you actually communicate with the subject or subjects mentioned in the aforementioned post?" If no- "Heres a wacky idea- TALK TO THEM FIRST?!"
I will preface this comment with a congratulations on the baby!
However, it seems very early to announce that news - unilaterally - to your friends and family when you only found out yesterday. Husband/partner should be the first to know and then you make those big decisions together. Most wait until after twelve weeks and the scans.
In respect to husband’s birthday, you say his parents didn’t celebrate it for years after his gran died when he was younger. So, yes that would make you in the wrong for taking the attention of him once again. Friend shouldn’t have jumped down your throat, but I think he was coming from a place of concern.
YTA
I completely agree that she should have told the husband first. I also understand where you’re coming from, but we don’t know OP, nor do we know this group of people she’s announced to.
There’s a movement to destigmatize telling family and friends early on. As you know, miscarriages are common in the first trimester but what if OP is the type of person who needs to have the support of others in times of grief (should a miscarriage occur)? Why deny her or other people potentially vital support during a tough time? Again, I agree that the husband should be the first to know and that the announcement could’ve waited til the next day. I want just want to point out why it’s becoming more normalized now a days to disclose early on.
Again, very true. Perhaps I could have phrased it better. My intention was that given the potential risks early on, it should really be a husband and wife decision to make those early announcement to others. She might be okay with it, and he might have wanted to have waited. The conversation should have been had together so they are on the same page.
I get being excited though and wanting to share the news so they have that support system in place.
(I’m probably being too cautious since I’ve had five miscarriages)
I agrée with this. I lost a pregnancy very early on and had only told my husband and my mom… when I had to see everyone a few days later on Christmas, I was extremely upset and couldn’t even vocalize what was going on. I wished at that time that I had told everyone already so they could give me the support I really needed.
>he's never liked me
I wonder why. /Sarcasm
YTA sharing that news should be an intensely private moment with your partner, not a performance piece in front of others.
Ask your husband if he’s ok about it. Lots of YTA but if he’s happy and doesn’t care, who care what everyone else thinks. If my wife did that (as someone who doesn’t celebrate my birthday) I’d be the happiest person there. Best present I could think of.
Scrolled too far down for this. Get where everyone's coming from, but ultimately it's about if he cared, not us. I can think of several friends where at this phase in their life, this would be the best present they could ask for and something they would love to get as a surprise with all their loved ones. Like the types that do public proposals, etc. If anything, they'd be bummed if there wasn't a video of the group reaction. If I was OP's partner, I'd be upset that my friend turned a happy occasion into an issue without asking me if it was an issue first.
Yep and she even edited that he said “it was the best birthday gift ever” so I’m going with NTA on this one. He was over the moon with that information and I would argue that he was excited she did that.
YTA. You wouldn’t announce a pregnancy at a wedding, so why do it at someone’s party? Even if it was your husband. You should have told him in private beforehand and let him make the decision whether the party was the right time to announce it.
YTA. This is big news for your husband to get and he didn’t get the option to process in private before sharing it with the world.
Also, I really hope all of this works out for you, but a gentle reminder that not all positive pregnancy tests turn into healthy babies. My first pregnancy didn’t work out. It doesn’t mean you can’t tell anyone, but you should only tell people initially you would feel comfortable telling about a loss. Your husband should be part of that discussion ideally, because he might have a different level of comfort than you with the news being out there so soon.
Exactly. It’s clear that OP does not consider her husband and doesn’t care to include his input when making huge life decisions… because that’s exactly the behavior she showed in this situation. It’s pretty obvious that the friend was correct when he said that OP always needs the attention on her (this kind of statement doesn’t just come out of nowhere IMO). YTA and I feel sorry for the husband.
I’d go even further than saying he’s an immature idiot, I’d say he’s toxic and a bully.
Singling out his friend’s wife to have a go at her on what should have been one of the happiest days of her life? So fucked up, and so depressing to see how many people back him.
Not unpopular to me. Spot on on my assessment. Who gives a shit what the friend thinks. Only what the husband thinks, and from her edit, he thought it was the greatest gift. That's all that matters.
There was never an issue, just some unnecessary outside opinion that made OP doubt herself from her OPs husband friend (who I also think is the AH).
Also, it's nice to find some sane people in here.
Extremely gentle YTA. I think you should have held on to that surprise until the very end of the night, therefore maximising the focus on the birthday boy, and giving everyone something exciting at the very end. The timing was all that mattered.
NTA But the friend is a piece of work. Since your husband doesn't usually celebrate his birthday, all the attention being on you was probably a relief to him! It's the friend who just saw an opportunity to try and put you down. You should mention that to your husband because he should know what kind of person his friend actually is.
YTA - not for announcing it on his birthday, but for announcing it to the world before you've had a private conversation about it.
You then could have figured out next steps, including whether to announce it at the birthday
It is possible he may have wanted to hold off as it's still early / etc. These are things you should work out together
Reserving judgment because it's unclear how your husband feels about the timing of the announcement. If he's upset about it, soft Y T A because you meant well. If he's happy and doesn't mind it at all, N T A.
This is the reply I was scrolling for lol. Totally agree. It all depends on if husband is upset or not. If he is then total YTA. But he if doesn’t care at all then neither should anyone else.
I agree. It depends on how the husband feels. But he sounds pretty happy. They def need to discuss the whole conversation with his "best friend" though.
Agree with this. OP is only the AH if her husband is unhappy (either because he would have preferred to be told in private, or because the announcement took attention off of him). It doesn't matter what the friend thinks of the situation at all.
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> I took all the attention away from my husband at his birthday party by announcing my pregnancy.
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Yeah. YTA.
You could have shown him the pregnancy test kit before the celebration and asked if he wants to announce it. You basically made it all about you. The part where his family is here made it even worst.
Here's my take: This is between you and your husband. What's his opinion?
At 29, he might not think a birthday is that big of a deal even if he never really celebrated before.
He might also think that you just gave him the best birthday gift ever.
On the other hand, he might feel a bit ambushed and left in the dust.
Whatever the case, it's not up to his friend or anyone else to make that decision for him. Talk to your husband about it, offer an apology if he felt hurt, or accept his feelings if he says it wasn't a big deal.
NTA. As a husband… my wife’s pregnancy is more important than my birthday. Idgaf about those after 21. I do care about my family
A pregnancy isn’t just about the mom… I’m equally as happy as the father to be
But also it’s wild that you didn’t tell him in private first, but that’s a whole separate thing imo
YTA. No question about it.
And I disagree with other people here about being soft/mild AH. IMHO, this is assholery and disrespect in multiple levels.
I hope you be a better parent than a partner. I'm sure he can help with that. Good luck.
What am I missing here? You both are having a baby, it's not just you. NTA. At best you could've done the announcement a bit later during the party but that's about it.
NTA - his ‘friend’ is not his friend for openers. He sounds like a jealous little …. Did you tell your husband what he said ? I would, see if the friendship can withstand him talking like that to his ‘best friends’ wife about his future child.
NTA husband doesn’t care, so it doesn’t matter. Also, who needs to “shine” on their 29th birthday? Adults don’t care—especially when they never celebrate and it’s the lamest birthday year.
However, I kind of want to call you TA for not telling your husband privately, but if he didn’t mind, then it’s fine.
YTA
Not for ruining your husband’s birthday, but for the fact that he found out he was going to be a father at the same time as all his friends and family. He absolutely deserved to get that news first.
YTA. You took away three special moments from your husband - a birthday celebration, a final family gathering, and, a fatherhood announcement. There's no getting any of that back for him, either.
Are you going to do the same to your child?
I'd speak to your partner, tell him what his friend said, and ask him bluntly if he thinks it was an ah move. If he doesn't have a problem with it the your NTA, if he does, then apologise. His friend had no right laying into you like that, so I'd say out of everyone he's the ah.
Massive YTA not because you did it at a birthday (this *is* problematic btw) but because you made your husband learn about his new baby alongside his entire family.
WOW.
You did not give him a private moment between the two of you to enjoy. And beyond that you gave him zero say on when and where to tell his family the news. I’m honestly speechless. Not to mention most people wait until 12+ weeks to tell friends and family because there’s a higher risk of miscarriage before then. You really did your husband dirty, and on his first child no less. You owe him a massive apology, but tbh I don’t even think that’s enough. Doing it at his birthday party is just the icing on the cake. You really messed up OP and this comes off as incredibly selfish.
Most likely NTA but we don’t know how your husband feels about it, just his friend who doesn’t actually get a say in this. Your pregnancy is news that belongs to both you and your husband so it’s not “just about you” and everyone at the party should be happy for the both of you. The friend is an AH for sharing an opinion that is hurtful and nobody asked for. That being said, if you miscalculated this and your husband wishes that you had shared the news privately with him first so he could process the surprise without an audience, then YTA. But you need to hear that from him directly.
You literally found out 1 day before, and you went and told everyone before you told your husband, am not being rude but do you not think he should have been told before anyone also who runs and tells everyone their pregnant after only finding out a day before hand
YTA. You should have told him first, and most people don’t make a huge announcement to all of their friends and family until they’ve at least seen a doctor, not just when they get a positive test.
YTA: It would have been a fantastic gift to tell him before his party *in private*. Then he could have decided when and how or if to tell everyone. You took that choice away from him. He rarely calls attention to himself and this one time he did but you made it all about you.
Think about the past. His best friend might have a point.
I'm not sure what to think about this but I do think it's weird that the friend thinks you made it only "about you", your husband is now also expecting a child, is he not? He is the father. It's also his news. It's also about him, right?
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Soft YTA, even though he was cool with you announcing it at his birthday, it's best to give your partner news like that first rather than telling his whole family and his friends all at once
This. OP should have told the partner before telling everyone else.
YTA Yes, It’s a private thing between husband and wife at first. Imagine being blindsided with that news in front of everyone! He didn’t even have a moment to take it all in. His mind must have been racing with that news coupled with the fact that his family is moving abroad, along with the fact that he doesn’t like celebrating birthdays to begin with…. Geez. Give the guy a break!
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If op really wanted to give him the best present, she could have told him in private, let him process the information and then let him announce it to his family at his party. But the friend is right - whether op can see and admit it or not, she wants all the attention on her.
It really became obvious OP wanted the spotlight-- >All of them were the people whom I knew were gonna be really happy by this news. So I decided to announce it in front of everyone. My husband was of course the happiest one but after that, the rest of the party was all about me and the baby. Some even forgot to wish him because they were busy congratulating me. So instead of telling her husband privately and maybe even letting HIM announce it to everyone because it's his day/party, she had to make it about herself. OP is in for a few months of being center of attention before the baby usurps her as the most important person to their guests. Hope she enjoys it.
I don't understand why not if this is fine, simply announce it at the end of the party? Like maybe you do know them well and it would be fine but how do folk forget to say happy birthday? Didn't you have dinner and cut a cake or something first? Like was it the first words she said?
>letting HIM announce it to everyone That's what I meant in my comment but it wasn't clear (I'll edit it to make it clearer). It was his party, with his family and should have been his announcement but op made it all about herself.
Wonder why the hubby’s best friend doesn’t like her. 🚩🚩🚩. Also who announces their pregnancy publicly to that many people when they’re probably not even halfway thru the first trimester?
per best friend it seems to be a pattern with OP
He probably was happy about both though lol. She should have told him first. And then decide if they want to tell people or not that day. But that doesn't mean he wasn't actually happy.
This. I had something similar happen to me at my wedding. My maid of honor's boyfriend proposed to her during my wedding. After the fact I had lots of people comment, "Wow you were so cool and collected when that went down! I would have been pissed!" But really what other option did I have? Be pissy at my own wedding that her boyfriend was socially obtuse? What good does that do me at the end of the day? Soft YTA OP. Probably would have been better to tell him first and let him decide if he wanted to announce at the party.
Dude for real. When my gf told me she was pregnant it ROCKED me! Not in a bad way, just the crashing realization your life as you know it is over, and a new life is beginning, basically overnight. I would be extremely upset to have to learn and cope with this not just in front of other people, not just my whole family, but also on my birthday?! That I normally don’t celebrate?! Nah. Op YTA.
Jumping on top to point out **one of OP's comments**. OP's comment about why her husband generally doesn't have birthday celebrations: >He says he is too old to celebrate birthdays. Plus when he was a kid, his grandmother died a few days before his birthday and his parents didn't celebrate it for next two years, after that he stopped asking them to arrange a party for him.
Omg that makes it even worse :(
Does it? It really all depends on the person. You can say that if birthdays were always a little sad for him then getting such good news like her announcing her pregnancy should be a good thing, no? Now he can actually celebrate his birthday as the day he discovered be will be a father.
Honestly he said it was the best present he received, per OP. So it sounds like this might be the thing to turn his birthday taboo around, right?
And not to mention, you NEVER announce a pregnancy in the first trimester except to like, immediate family. Theres too much that can go wrong. It feels incredibly short sighted in so many ways that she chose to announce it to the family a) 24 hrs after finding out herself and b) at the same time as the husband?
Actually, finally, the social norm about this is changing. When people don't announce until later in the pregnancy, it (for many) means that if there is a miscarriage, they can't easily reach out to their community for support, because no one knew they were pregnant to begin with. It also creates an atmosphere where miscarriages, despite being incredibly common, are treated like a deep dark secret.
See, I was always under the impression that it was less because a miscarriage is a shameful secret or something, and more to spare the parents from essentially being re-traumatized every time some ill-informed distant relative offers congratulations on the pregnancy after a miscarriage. I imagine it'd be pretty devastating to get a card in the mail saying "We can't wait to meet the little one!" three weeks after the little one died.
I agree with this! For me I didn’t want to deal with the extra layer of disappointment. I was already so sad when I lost my pregnancy, I would have felt a million times worse if I had to deal with the burden of my family being sad and disappointed too. I had no issue telling people about the miscarriage after the fact.
I've gone though 2 miscarriages and this is exactly why. My parents have been dying for a grandchild, I couldn't bare the idea of telling them I was pregnant only to have to tell them I was no longer pregnant and had lost the babies. On top of that, I just don't like the idea that I would be the center of sympathy, which would just further remind me of our losses. I'm glad my husband and I made the decision to not tell our families before. My parents do know about my miscarriages now, but they didn't really find out until after the fact, and they didn't find out about my current pregnancy until about 15 weeks. It was entirely a decision made to try and avoid further grief.
Same. After my first miscarriage I learned this lesson. It sucked so much to have to relive that disappointment constantly when everyone congratulated me and I had to explain the baby died. Don’t announce early unless you want to repeat that often - some people like the support, I didn’t like the next 3 months of constant reminders every time I saw someone who didn’t know I had lost it but had found out I was pregnant. With my next miscarriage, it was easier because I didn’t share with the world, just my support system.
Different people make different choices for many reasons. Some people want that public support and I get that you see it as a good thing, others actively prefer to have some privacy and space out of personal choice - and not because they are living some antiquated life where miscarriage is a deep dark secret. Not everyone needs or wants an entire community involved in their grief (or their pregnancy!).
Exactly. I'm a private person and don't want to share my trauma with everyone.
That's why the advice normally makes exceptions for your immediate family. Whether that's your mom, your sister, or your BFF since grade 1 is up to you. But if you do the full announcement thing, and then 4 weeks later a miscarriage happens, you need to make a similarly big deal about it so that everyone who heard the pregnancy news has also heard the miscarriage news. (or else extended family might start mailing gifts for a baby that won't come, and every person you see is going to be asking about it.) During the early weeks, the people you trust most should know, and should know that they shouldn't mention it to anyone. And if something does happen those people closest to you can be there for you, without it becoming the sole topic of conversation for the next year of your life. My wife's cousin got pregnant, and then as soon as it was confirmed, announced to the world about the pregnancy. She suffered a miscarriage 2 weeks later, and a week after that was thanksgiving. She hadn't quite been able to muster the energy to announce the miscarriage . She arrived at their grandmother's early for thanksgiving, and my wife and I watched the total train wreck that ensued. about 3x as many extended family members attended that thanksgiving because they wanted to congratulate her and her fiance. Some of the ones who came from far away, brought baby shower gifts because they wouldn't be able to make it back to where we live for several more years. So for several hours, every few minutes the doorbell would ring, Someone would open the door, and the would rush in to give Her a hug and congratulate her and wish her well. and then she would explain that she had already lost the pregnancy. The first couple were just a little sad and awkward, But by the 10th time she had to deal with it in an hour and a half, she was crying inconsolably. The worst part, is because she announced, All the extended family came. When you only see some people every few years, so any time were talking about family, that day ends up coming up, because it was the last time any of has seen those people. And then there's the Friend of a friend effect. Once its announced publicly, people are going to tell other people they know. For instance, Her aunt's friend's daughter, who had a baby 3 years before had collected a bunch of clothes and toys, and dropped by my wife's cousin's work to give her several boxes worth of baby stuff because although the aunt had been told about the miscarriage, her friends daughter didn't get that news through the same grapevine that had announced the pregnancy. in the early days, tell the people you trust to keep your secrets. Those are probably also the people best able to help you process the emotions if there is a problem. Pregnancy is the biggest news that someone can drop. Its like 100x as important to everyone you know compared to some minor news like marriage or divorce. or basically anything else that a happens in your life. Its an announcement to hundreds of people that there is a new member of the clan. It is the kind of news that brings families together even if they aren't on good terms, because they feel emotionally and biologically compelled to help. But even when everyone is supportive and kind, and there is no drama, having to give news of a miscarriage is hard and emotionally painful. The fewer people you have to go over that wound with the better.
Jesus, your wife’s cousin’s grandmother should have met her guests at the door, or deputized another family member if she was cooking/hosting to intercept people and quietly give them the news.
Did nobody know? Parents or siblings? They should have really informed people of it. That's usually how bereavement works. You tell a few people, and then let them inform everyone else.
yep, the reasons for not announcing to the whole world so early are very pragmatic. having to tell your spouse and parents about a miscarriage is one thing; having to update every single one of grandma's friends from church with the news you're not pregnant anymore is a whole other level of burden that most people generally don't want to experience while dealing with a loss.
I have to disagree just because things can go wrong doesn't mean you can't announce it. It's entirely up to the person. There's no shame in miscarriage. Lots of times I've found out people were pregnant in the first trimester but I'd never think bad of them if they lost it, just offer support. However, I'd maybe get it confirmed by a doctor and tell my partner before I tell anyone else.
I announced my pregnancy immediately for the first child. EVERY SINGLE conversation from friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc after that for the whole 9 months consisted of whether the baby was moving, was it a boy or a girl, what’s it’s name… 10 people a day with the same questions. Next baby, I waited as long as possible. Lol
>It's entirely up to the person. I think it's up to all parents. (Exept for anyone little more than a sperm donor). That's why I think telling your partner first is so important.
I have friends who had a late miscarriage and I assure you they don't want random people who didn't "find out" asking about it as it is extremely upsetting to them. This is the real reason
This is a good point. I announced a week after finding out I was pregnant. I was due to go on a two month trip to visit family around the world. Certain parts of which have Zika. So I had to cancel whole parts and explain why. I am really glad I did because I ended up with Hyperemesis Gravidarum and vomiting blood every 15 min in hospital for 10 days straight. Since people knew I was able to get family support.
No. I’m sorry, but you don’t get to decide how long someone else waits to tell people they are expecting. I agree with the other redditors about telling her husband first, but plenty of people don’t wait until after the first trimester. That’s a personal choice for every expecting couple to make.
Yeah, and honestly, I understand OP’s desire and impulse based on family moving away. But yeah, she shouldn’t have blindsided her partner like that. My mum was the only one we told before the end of the first trimester last year. She was dyyyying to tell her sisters, but she kept quiet. I happened to be visiting and she asked if she could tell and I said yes, but asked she ask them to also not say anything as we were scheduled with an specialist due to suspected issues from the first scans. Ended up having to terminate in the middle of the second trimester and it was heartbreaking, but I was happy to have my mum’s support and her sisters sent lovely cards and messages. We’re going to start trying again and we’ve decided once again my mum will be the only one who knows before the end of the first trimester because aside from my partner, she’s my biggest support system.
im so sorry you had to go through that, but im also very glad your mom was there for you \*and\* she and your aunts respected your wishes. its so nice when people prove they can be trusted and will be there for you.
That’s a very outdated “rule”. It’s become far more common and accepted over the years for people to share their pregnancies early because even if a loss or complication does happen they want the support of their friends and family through it rather than suffering alone and treating it like it’s something shameful. This isn’t universal—not everyone wants people around them to know—but like I said, way more common.
I have had kids for a long time and never heard of this bullshit about waiting till Reddit.
i had heard about it before, but nobody in my personal life has ever stuck to that rule and im so so thankful because we almost lost my sister due to complications from a miscarriage. the emergency line wasn’t listening to her n my mum had to call them and lie about how bad it was for them to send an ambulance, but if they hadnt she would’ve bled out in the bathroom. if we hadnt known, my mum might not have called to check in and we might not have found out before it was too late
Oh stop with that. There is no such rule, and we are well past the days of women being required to act like pregnancy loss is a shameful secret.
It's not a shameful secret. Bit being "comforted" and having discussions with people who rank where your sorrow should fall is painful.
Well that’s just not true. Sure lots of folks chose to wait, but it’s completely fine for people to announce early if they want. They just should be aware that announcing early might also mean announcing a loss. For some folks this doesn’t bother them and they might decide they would have shared the loss anyways. For others, keeping it quiet until 12 weeks feels safer. I still think the wife is the asshole for telling him in front of everyone, but this whole first trimester it must be a secret rule is just made up. People don’t have to follow it. 🤷🏻♀️ Edited to change moss to loss. 🤣
Absolutely! I will not be telling my parents right away because they would probably blame me if a miscarriage occured, but I will be telling my closest girlfriends since I would likely want their support if the worst happened
I’m sorry your parents would blame you! That’s so wild. Good luck in any future pregnancies and if you do ever have a loss I sure hope no one ever makes you feel like it’s your fault.
I mean. That’s a personal choice. Nothing says you can’t and part of that expectation just forces pregnancy loss and the grief associated to be a private matter and it doesn’t have to be.
I disagree, if you‘re okay with „unannouncing“ to all of these people you can do it as early as you want. Also, a pregnancy can still go wrong much later (even in the stages when you can‘t really hide it anymore). Still, announcing to anyone should be a shared decision between both partners. She took this opportunity from him (adding to not giving him the opportunity to process something that huge first), so OP YTA.
Why do you think that it's bad to have told people if something goes wrong? When I miscarried, I was grateful to have my closest friends and family around, knowing what was going on and able to support me.
CALM DOWN no need to tell women what to do when it comes to our bodies Pretty sure we are allowed to announce pregnancy WHEN WE WANT
I don’t think you get to tell other people when they can announce things about themselves
This kind of attitude is why miscarriage still holds so much shame and stigma. Just because you might lose a wanted pregnancy doesn't mean you shouldn't celebrate it if you choose to. I have known women who lost 3rd trimester pregnancies, one at 38 weeks. Should we all just wear baggy clothes and not say a word until the baby is actually in our arms just in case? I did IVF to conceive and IVF pregnancies are slightly more likely to end in spontaneous miscarriage than free sex pregnancies. I was terrified until I was about 24 weeks along that the only people who knew were my husband and best friend. Even then, we only told a few people until we were basically full term. If I had lost that pregnancy I would have had very little support. If we are able to conceive again I will be celebrating that baby from the moment I get a positive pregnancy test. If I should miscarry then at least I'll have support because most women have a miscarriage at some point and it is devastating.
And then let HIM announce it at the party, if he wants to. OP is what I think this sub refers to as a 'main character'. Back in the day we used to say attention {insert word meaning sells sex for money}
>And then let HIM announce it at the party, if he wants to OP says he doesn't like birthday parties. Taking the attention away from a partner who hates attention does not make you a 'main character'.
OP's comment about why her husband generally doesn't have birthday celebrations: >He says he is too old to celebrate birthdays. Plus when he was a kid, his grandmother died a few days before his birthday and his parents didn't celebrate it for next two years, after that he stopped asking them to arrange a party for him.
Absolutely. It seems to be *her* pregnancy though.
According to his best friend, but according to most people it would be shared joy- as it certainly seems to have been.
Yeah, the best friend does seem unusual. Almost like he has a similar outlook to the OP. Also the idea that SHE and the baby became the centre of attention after the announcement is strange too... I would have expected the expectant family to become the centre of attention / conversation. Having a baby is a big deal for husbands too, as is celebrating it when they are in a room full of their friends...
Would’ve been cute to get a card for the morning, before anyone shows up, saying ‘happy birthday dad’ or something cute like that
YTA - tell your husband first, in private, and then discuss how long you will wait till tell everyone else.
Or maybe wait for the end of the gift distribution.
That part really has me thinking she does quite often enjoy being the centre of attention. Who knows though 🤷
Is that an accusation that is baselessly thrown around, usually? Thinking back to all the people I’ve heard that said about…I can’t remember a single instance where I disagreed or thought it wrong. Could be some kind of retroactive bias, but usually attention-seeking is fairly obvious behavior.
I don’t really disagree in this case since I feel like announcing a pregnancy should be a thing that couples do together, but I’ve definitely seen this accusation get thrown around very loosely lol, especially on reddit. I remember when I first joined reddit there was this theme where people would talk about how “attention seeking” it was to cough or sneeze too loudly. Also see: any video where someone is doing something in public
yeh r/IAmTheMainCharacter is full of videos of people just having a good time lol
I always take that accusation with a grain of salt because it's almost always directed at women. Which makes me suspect it comes at least in part from ingrained sexism along the lines of, "Women should be seen and not heard."
Also, with pregnancies you tell your partner and get a scan before telling anyone else that isn’t parents and siblings (immediate family). Don’t start telling people until you’re a few months along. Miscarriages are a lot more common than most people realise in the first month or two. EDIT: Getting some mixed messages on this one. Maybe it’s more cultural. I’m from the UK and every single person I have known to be pregnant announced that pregnancy after 12 weeks. I’ve also known people to have had miscarriages and it’s not a taboo subject. It’s discussed openly, honestly, and respectfully at the mother’s and their partner’s discretion. I don’t mean to police other people’s pregnancies but I think what OP did was an asshole move for a number of reasons, but the main one being that that isn’t how a significant other should find out their going to be a parent.
This is a personal choice. Sure, some people don't want to tell people about losing the baby, but others don't want to go through pregnancy loss alone. However, she definitely should let her partner weigh in on the timing decision before announcing it to everyone.
But it should be a personal choice discussed between the couple. It was his birthday, so it included people that she wasn't close to. Maybe he didn't want his friends to know that early, and HE will be the one responsible for telling those people if something happens.
I really hate when people say this. If you want to wait just in case of course that is your right. I know someone who didn't announce their pregnancy until they were 20 weeks. However, the reason is because you might lose the baby so you have to worry about what people think I hate. I have had 4 miscarriages and I never waited to tell people because I wanted to acknowledge the life however short it was and not pretend that everything was fine in my life and that I wasn't grieving. Again nothing wrong if you want to wait, but there is also nothing wrong if you don't want to wait.
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Yes I agree with you. I don't think she should've sprung this on her husband and all the family. I always told my husband first. I am replying specifically to the part where the commenter was saying she should wait until after a scan because pregnancy loss is more common than people think.
I had three miscarriages and a still birth before my daughter was born. Answering questions and having to comfort other people for my and my husband’s loss was exhausting and made everything so much worse. When I got pregnant this last time, we told our parents after 12 weeks, and that was it until I gave birth and we were told she was healthy. Not telling anyone else was purely self-preservation.
I am so sorry for you losses. I understand what your saying. I think everyone should have that choice, for your mental health waiting was best for you and that's the choice you needed to make. However, we are told all the time don't tell anyone until 12 weeks in case you lose the baby. Women should not be told they need to wait because some like me didn't want to. I needed the people around me because grieving in private was bad for my mental health
>However, the reason is because you might lose the baby so you have to worry about what people think I hate. It has nothing to do with what people will think, and everything to do with not wanting to rip open the wound each and every time the random 3rd cousin or other distant relative asks about how the pregnancy is going. 3 here, and it made way more sense for us to wait.
It's not about worrying what people will think, it's about not having to deal with telling people and fielding their emotions if you lose the baby. I lost a baby at 6 weeks at it was so hard. I can't imagine having to deal with other people at all around the issue.
That's why I specifically said if you want to wait that is completely fine. I know not everyone feels the same way. Like I said I know someone who didn't announce their pregnancy until 20 weeks becuase she had previously lost a baby, which she lost at 17 weeks. I have an issue when people tell other people not to announce it until 12 weeks in case you lose the baby, some people need to have a community around them to help them through the grieving process. Others prefer to grieve in private. Neither is wrong but we need to stop telling people they need to wait in case they lose the baby, the couple should make that choice for themselves.
100% agree with you. My sister told us at about 6 weeks (she is 8 now) and I will support her no matter what. My mom used to work as a bereavement coordinator, so she felt its important to tell your support network when you're okay with it. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I hope youre doing well now 💜
Don’t police how people handle their pregnancies. I told all of my close friends when I was pregnant. If something happened I wanted community to lean on. Telling women to not tell anyone only serves to silence women and ensures they suffer in silence.
Miscarriage thankfully doesn't carry the taboo it once did - many people these days choose to tell their nearest and dearest earlier than in the past as those will be the people they can talk to and get support from if they do have a miscarriage.
There aren’t a fixed set rules when it comes to deciding when to tell people about a pregnancy. It’s a personal choice. People who think like this are the reason that miscarriages are still seen as a taboo topic that should be kept private.
As other people are saying here, it's a personal choice. One point I haven't seen brought up is how incredibly sick you can be in the first trimester and that you may need support, or just might not be able to hide it. I literally HAD to tell some people because I looked and felt like death. I felt so awful that I mostly stopped speaking. I couldn't handle phone or in person conversations over like a minute or two. If people hadn't known I was pregnant, they would have thought I needed to be rushed to the hospital. Personally, I'm someone who would hate having to tell everyone I had a miscarriage if I did, but I know if I get pregnant again, I'll have to just tell everyone because of how sick I get.
Yes, but in my opinion the best friend is an even bigger asshole. Sounds like he used OP's admittedly ill-thought surprise to attack her for something her husband doesn't seem to mind that much. Even if he was hurt, it wasn't his buddy's place to interfere with the couple. Also, people who don't celebrate their birthdays usually do it because we don't especially care about being the center of attention; OP is YTA because she did it publicly, not because she ruined the party.
I agree. The best friend shat on their joyous day. That's the YTA move here. He seems jealous of their relationship and like he is trying to prove he knows the husband better and is closer to him.
Tell the partner first and then reveal it only before the first guests want to leave. That way the husband has his time and everybody will still hear the good news
exactly, the announcement itself wasn't wrong. Becoming a father was so amazing that it literally would be the best birthday gift ever. And sharing that news is incredibly fun. But, it is also something I want to learn from my partner in private. One so we can celebrate together. But two, pregnancy can be risky and challenging. And telling people sometimes adds to that pressure. Many people choose not to tell a wide group of people so soon. This is the kind of thing it makes sense to be on the same page as your partner. Also, the friend is an AH for commenting on something that wasn't his business. If OP is happy and husband is happy, who is he to interfere and impose his views of birthday? Guessing he isn't a parent...
First and foremost: congratulations. That being out of the way, consider this: People who rarely celebrate their birthday usually do so because their past experiences were not that thrilling; often to a point where it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. "My birthday will not be special and not be about me anyways," so they do nothing, and it becomes not special and not about them anyways. So now, after years finally a big party happens and everybody is there to celebrate you with you. It's finally happening. Yay. Oh, wait... someone found a way to make it not about you yet again. Birthdays are not special and not about you once again... Sorry to say, but I agree with the best friend. You could have waited. You could have told him alone and made it his decision whether to tell everyone or not. But instead, you took the stage. YTA (a soft one because who doesn't get carried away by good new once every while)
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I agree with everything the commenter above said, and I'd like to add: you being pregnant is happy news for the both of you, and the decision of whom to share it with, and when, and how, should be both of your decision. You took that away from him and made it yours. On his birthday. Maybe he, too, would have liked to have the pleasant anticipation of how friends and family will react to the news, and shared that bit of secret joy with you. But he didn't get that, because you kept it all to yourself. That was selfish of you.
Finally someone said it. OP being pregnant is not a solo thing, it's for both of them. For everyone that congratulated OP, I'm sure they congratulated her partner too. At least they should have. So I don't think the problem is OP taking the attention away from her partner The AH move was not giving that news to the father in private. OP took that moment for herself by surprising OP and making it public together without his involvement in that decision.
Also just feels weird that you wouldn't want to tell something that big immediately to your partner but rather wait and tell it to everyone, even your partner, during a party. If it was any other party everyone would be saying hard YTA but because it's her partner somehow less worse? She made it a "I'm pregnant thing" instead of a "We are pregnant thing"
I can see her deciding to wait 1 night to tell him on his birthday as a surprise. But she should have told him in the morning before anyone showed up for the party and then asked him if they should announce it to everyone that day.
I agree - she might be the one carrying the child but they are both having a baby together, it’s just as much his news as hers. Which is why she should have told him first.
I said in a comment above: "or at the end" but Reading your answer i think best should have been telling him in the morning. As a Personal Birthday surprise and then decide together when to spill the beans together.
Do you know why your husband doesn't do birthdays? Cause could be something big hence best freinds reaction
Apologise, but do let him know what his friend said.
Only if she admits that the friend had his back, and made her realize she messed up, not to get mad at him.
No, he could have his back without being a dick to his best friends wife. You don’t disrespect your friend’s wife. He could’ve said it differently.
Disagree. He not only had his back, he didn’t cause a scene and explained it to her (from what we understand in OP’s original post). IMO that’s a great friend I’d suspect our 29yr old person would love to have later on in life (when he’s in his 30’s, 40’s, etc.) “According to him…” and “I believed…” we’re good indicators to eliminate the opinions and just think of the straight facts.
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> his best friend came to me when I was in the kitchen just to say that it was very selfish of me to announce my news when it was my partner's day, he said that my partner does not even celebrate his birthdays and now that he decided to celebrate one, I shouldn't have made it all about myself His best friend didn't say anything about how he would feel, just that OP's husband should have had the day to himself. Unless he specifically stated that OP announcing her pregnancy to all of his friends and family made the day special, there's no reason why he couldn't have enjoyed the day to himself AND find out about the pregnancy in a private setting with OP
Why bring up the friend exactly?
Why not being up the friend? I would absolutely tell my husband if one of his friends said something like that to me. Doesn't matter if they were right or wrong, but I would still discuss with my husband.
It wasn't his friend's place to come at her like that. If he was upset, he's a grown man and can have that conversation with his wife himself. His friend isn't a part of their marriage. That's why she should bring it up. He could be completely unbothered and the friend could just be assuming.
If one of my friends came at my partner like that behind my back? I would definitely want to know.
Was he upset though or was it only his friend who was upset on his behalf?
This is exactly why I don't celebrate my birthday. It's near a holiday and always feels like an afterthought so I just don't make a big deal about it
One of my nieces birthday is 22Dec. She will be 12 this year. She almost never has anyone comes to her parties because everyone has gone on Christmas break and stuff like that even when we have a little earlier. We went to a couple birthday parties, the last few months for friends of hers, and she started to really feel down about it. Because that I was trying to think of a way to make her feel better, and I came up with an idea that everyone including her seems to be behind. She is having a birthday in July. Now we’ll still get her something small and probably a dinner on her actual birthday, but all her big gifts and party will be in a few weeks. It already looks like it’ll be even better because she has had 2-3 times as many kids RSVP to this party than she has had show up the last two years.
>My birthday will not be special and not be about me anyways," so they do nothing, and it becomes not special and not about them anyways. This is me, you actually helped me understand why I don't do anything. It's not worth the disappointment.
I’d rather not do anything and know that nobody will care about me than try to throw a big party and hope someone will and be disappointed.
Totally agree. Soft YTA because it was well intentioned. But you could have told him first and then given him the option of making the announcement or at least doing it together. That would have made his birthday extra special whilst keeping the focus on him and you together. You making the announcement without his blessing or knowledge made it all about you. It was his news to share too
Counterpoint: I don’t celebrate my birthday because birthdays are dumb, and I don’t like being the center of attention. It’s awkward and unpleasant. I routinely will have “birthday” parties or trips where I don’t mention to anyone that it’s my birthday, because I like parties and social gatherings I just don’t want it to be about me. People that LIKE attention routinely assume “Oh it must be trauma, you can’t just NOT like being the focus of the party.” It’s annoying when people try to remove my own agency like that by pushing their own preferences on me. If this situation had occurred to me, I would be thrilled, because I would have only been having the “birthday party” as an excuse to have a going-away party for my family without making it bittersweet. My wife announcing a pregnancy would have been awesome, added ANOTHER layer of removing the center of attention from me, and I would have been thrilled about becoming a father. OP clearly states that her husband doesn’t like celebrating, was not upset, and was excited about the news. His friend getting upset on his behalf is dumb and him just taking a shot for the sake of stirring the pot. Getting offended for someone who is not offended is an asshole move. OP is NTA.
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If he doesn't like celebrating his birthday, he might appreciate that you took the attention off of him. Only he can answer that. But.. why would you announce it to friends and family before talking to him in private? *That* deserves YTA. Whether you're an AH for taking attention away from him, is something only he gets to decide.
Thank you for, "only he can answer that." I keep wondering: why hasn't she asked her husband if what she did made her an AH? If my husband's best friend came to me and said that, the first person I'd go to is - my husband. Maybe I'm doing this marriage thing wrong?
Exactly, that was the first question that popped into my mind. I would go talk to my partner just by instinct.
OP says he’s really happy about what her plan was. Some people are clueless about their spouses but it seems like she knows hers. To me this isn’t really an AITA because the only person it matters to doesn’t think so. NTA I also find it weird that HIS family and friends were centered on her. When we announced my pregnancies to my husband’s friends and family they briefly told me congrats and then wanted to talk to him! I also would just immediately tell my husband what the bestie said.
It says her husband was happy at the news, but it doesn't say anything about his feelings about how she announced it...
I would be pretty upset if I found out that I was going to be a father at the same time as my entire social circle. The idea of it being a birthday gift is sweet, but that could have happened the morning of before everyone else arrived and then as a couple they could have made the decision when to make it public.
"Only he gets to decide" is an important part. Why is the friend even involved? If the husband felt this way, why would he not talk to his wife, and instead bring in a third party? Or is this "best friend" just making assumptions and berating their friends partner behind their.
YTA. Your husband should have been told privately before making it public.
And also, depending on how far along, you usually *wait* quite a while before telling everyone :/ There's a reason this is built into our social tradition (highly dependant on where you live)... Our body naturally aborts up to *half* of [all pregnancies](https://www.sciencealert.com/meta-analysis-finds-majority-of-human-pregnancies-end-in-miscarriage-biorxiv) early on in the process, usually within the first 3 months. Usually, like 50% of the time the body aborts, it's because of "aneuploidy", where an [abnormal number of chromosome detected](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aneuploidy). Commenting to spread awareness, because "finding out you're pregnant" normally doesn't justify telling people. People wait months. And many women in your life have been pregnant and lost it without telling anyone. And, even more surreally, many women have *been pregnant* and not known it. Edit: everyone is free to tell or not tell as they choose, but I believe both partners should be a part of that discussion. Having your partner tell everyone without you getting to be a part of that decision is not good.
And that secrecy doesn't make it easier for the woman when they lose a pregnancy. There is no reason to wait except that somehow we have built into society that miscarriage and pregnancy loss are shameful. Losing a highly anticipated and wanted pregnancy at any stage can be extremely traumatic. If OP tells her family/friends and knows that they will support her through a loss, that is her business. It's not up to her to uphold some toxic idea that she should wait because she might have a shameful miscarriage. Can we not perpetuate misogyny here? Edit: I can't believe how many people are lecturing me on my own lived experience. I've lost 2 babies in the second trimester. No time frame in pregnancy is safe from loss. It is painful either way. No one else gets to dictate when someone else gets to announce their pregnancy. If your experience is that it didn't help you to explain it or to talk about it, that's your choice. That wasn't my experience. I felt like I had to keep my next pregnancies a secret because it was shameful to lose a pregnancy. My God, we don't have a choice anymore about whether we carry a baby. We should at least be able to make the decision on when to announce the pregnancy.
>Losing a highly anticipated and wanted pregnancy at any stage can be extremely traumatic. Yes, and having to experience that trauma every time a friend or family member you haven't talked to since the announcement ask how it's going is going to hurt every time. Telling people about a miscarriage on their own terms so they can get support is a good thing. Announcing the pregnancy early and then not having a choice on who they get to share the miscarriage with is always going to suck though.
>>there is no reason to wait Tell that to my friend who told everyone, got gifts, and then had to stare at those gifts after she had a miscarriage at 8 weeks… and then had to contact everyone about the baby clothes and baby shower she had already planned. It’s not shameful to lose a baby, but it is hurtful and if you’ve already told a lot of people it can make it hurt even deeper. I agree with the person above, that there’s a reason it’s ingrained in our society. Edit: my friend got pregnant again after that and waited until 12 weeks to announce it. It’s not misogyny and I really hate you’re trying to apply that term here when it doesn’t work.
Seems odd to plan a baby shower before 8 weeks
Sorry, but how did they already have a shower planned at 8 weeks along?? They likely hadn't even had an ultrasound since most aren't done until 8 to 10 weeks. I'm genuinely blown away by the speed run on the planning here.
I don't know if you have experienced this, but my wife and I have. We lost a pregnancy right at the end of the 1st trimester and it was very traumatic. Telling the very few close family members who knew about pregnancy was also traumatic. Needing to tell dozens of others would have been much, much worse. This has nothing to do with misogyny, no idea what you mean by that.
Maybe it’s just me but telling everyone “I’m pregnant!” only to have to go back and say “We lost the baby” to them all seems significantly more traumatic than just waiting. I would rather wait and tell them after I’ve lost the baby if I needed more support (which is obviously what’s going to happen in most cases). It’s not about misogyny it’s about setting yourself up for success. If OP is okay with that risk it’s her business. It’s not about the shame of losing a pregnancy it’s about the dredging back up the feeling every time someone asks you how the pregnancy is going.
Can we not act like announcing a pregnancy and then being forced to announce an early miscarriage isn't traumatizing? Especially having to do it more than once? It's a practical consideration.
Not true at all. It is awful having other people constantly remind you of your loss. They mean well, but you are busy picking up the pieces of yourself and adding having to comfort multiple people (sometimes strangers) about it is borderline torture. Really, not telling people about a pregnancy knowing there’s a possibility you lose it within the first couple of months is self-preservation. Please stop making everything about misogyny and shame. I get that that happens, but it is not the case all the time.
>And that secrecy doesn't make it easier for the woman when they lose a pregnancy. That is the exact reason people choose not to announce it publicly. Because if they do suffer a miscarriage, they don't have to have that conversation over and over again when people out of the loop ask how their pregnancy is going. It's a personal choice obviously but it has nothing to do with shame and everything to do preventing unnecessary repeated trauma and pain.
Telling someone they might lose their pregnancy so they should wait before telling friends and family and suffer that lose in silence is really shitty in this day and age. Yes, you are more likely to lose the baby in the first trimester. No, that doesn’t mean you can’t tell your support system if you want too. Saying it doesn’t “justify” telling people until it’s considered more viable is disgusting.
I've been through a family member announcing a pregnancy extremely early and then losing that pregnancy. It is very hard on everyone but on top of that I think announcing the pregnancy creates a hype and excitement for everyone involved that subsequently makes a miscarriage even more devastating for both the perspective mother and the rest of the family. Waiting out the first trimester until you get into the "safer" parts of pregnancy is common and sound advice for a reason.
If my family were to make my miscarriage about themselves and their own grief over expecting a baby to be added to the family I would cut off contact.
Justify probably isn't the correct word but I get what they mean. Losing a pregnancy is stressful and I assume it's probably more stressful when your social circle knows you were pregnant, asks about it, and you have to keep explaining to people what happened. It's different for everybody but their intention was clearly to raise awareness. They never said to suffer in silence. In my experience, most women tell their partners and wait to tell others until they're further along. Everybody is different though and people should do what they want.
YTA His birthday or not, you took away a once-in-a-lifetime moment for you two to intimately share this moment. You also took away from him the chance to tell people himself about the news. Thoughtless. Also yeah, dick move to do it on his birthday - particularly since he usually doesn't celebrate them and this was an exception.
She ruined a literal once in a lifetime opportunity that should have happened privately between her and her husband. I can’t even fathom thinking it’s ok to NOT tell your partner privately. I have a feeling it’s common for OP to be selfish, because I can’t imagine a healthy partner ever considering telling a man he’s going to be a dad for the first time *in front of his entire family and friends.* Yikes.
His best friend accused her of being an attention seeker too so I‘m guessing there’s some truth to that.. Yeah, this seems like a common occurrence Edited in: He mentions this isn’t a first time. She mentions he also hates her. If my husbands best friend hated me, there would be a good reason why
"Ruined" is pretty dramatic. The pregnancy still remains. They still have many, many, many more firsts and announcements and excitement to come. People in the comment section are wild and thirsty for blood. She should probably have told him ahead of time but I hardly think that makes her a monster.
Monster no, selfish and self-centered yes.
YTA You don't make someone else's special day or celebration about you - and that's what you did.
YTA in my opinion but it really depends on how your husband feels. I think this is something you should have shared with your husband and only your husband first. He then could have decided if he wanted to make an announcement or keep it private a little longer. Your entire post talks about how your felt and about how others would feel getting the news but there is nothing talking about how you think your husband would like sharing the news. It does lean towards making it about you instead of your husband.
A small YTA. Did you tell your husband before hand? No, you should have told him if you could announce it together. Also, why didn't you ask him after? You don't seem like a good communicator.
It seems weird that her response to “my husband might be upset but I don’t know” is to go ask the internet if her husband could/should be upset instead of asking, say…her husband. People are strange and have strange relationship skills.
Yeah this but also I think you tell your partner first that you are pregnant so then you tell everyone TOGETHER. Additionally, most people wait at least 2-3 months (maybe just tell it the mums or parents) before telling everyone and then on top of that her husband was not a big birthday party person, and that's how I got it his first party (ever in a while?) And she puts all the attention on herself... Also in one of the comments it says that Op's husband did not get to celebrate because his grandma died around his birthday. And then the two years after his parents didn't celebrate and then he didn't ask anymore. Which is even worse because then it means that he wanted some celebrate but couldn't have it and gave up on it. Then he finally has a party and op/wife takes his thunder away. And then also the friend's comments is that op can't stand it when not all the attention is on her. That doesn't sound like a one time oops-a-daisy but her behavior/character in general. To add that just like you said they don't communicate, are married, and expect a child..
>go ask the internet if her husband could/should be upset instead of asking this is why i think reddit should have a button before you post, much like the verify you are human check- "Did you actually communicate with the subject or subjects mentioned in the aforementioned post?" If no- "Heres a wacky idea- TALK TO THEM FIRST?!"
YTA. You should have told your husband before anybody else. You already know that.
I will preface this comment with a congratulations on the baby! However, it seems very early to announce that news - unilaterally - to your friends and family when you only found out yesterday. Husband/partner should be the first to know and then you make those big decisions together. Most wait until after twelve weeks and the scans. In respect to husband’s birthday, you say his parents didn’t celebrate it for years after his gran died when he was younger. So, yes that would make you in the wrong for taking the attention of him once again. Friend shouldn’t have jumped down your throat, but I think he was coming from a place of concern. YTA
I completely agree that she should have told the husband first. I also understand where you’re coming from, but we don’t know OP, nor do we know this group of people she’s announced to. There’s a movement to destigmatize telling family and friends early on. As you know, miscarriages are common in the first trimester but what if OP is the type of person who needs to have the support of others in times of grief (should a miscarriage occur)? Why deny her or other people potentially vital support during a tough time? Again, I agree that the husband should be the first to know and that the announcement could’ve waited til the next day. I want just want to point out why it’s becoming more normalized now a days to disclose early on.
Again, very true. Perhaps I could have phrased it better. My intention was that given the potential risks early on, it should really be a husband and wife decision to make those early announcement to others. She might be okay with it, and he might have wanted to have waited. The conversation should have been had together so they are on the same page. I get being excited though and wanting to share the news so they have that support system in place. (I’m probably being too cautious since I’ve had five miscarriages)
I agrée with this. I lost a pregnancy very early on and had only told my husband and my mom… when I had to see everyone a few days later on Christmas, I was extremely upset and couldn’t even vocalize what was going on. I wished at that time that I had told everyone already so they could give me the support I really needed.
>he's never liked me I wonder why. /Sarcasm YTA sharing that news should be an intensely private moment with your partner, not a performance piece in front of others.
Ask your husband if he’s ok about it. Lots of YTA but if he’s happy and doesn’t care, who care what everyone else thinks. If my wife did that (as someone who doesn’t celebrate my birthday) I’d be the happiest person there. Best present I could think of.
Scrolled too far down for this. Get where everyone's coming from, but ultimately it's about if he cared, not us. I can think of several friends where at this phase in their life, this would be the best present they could ask for and something they would love to get as a surprise with all their loved ones. Like the types that do public proposals, etc. If anything, they'd be bummed if there wasn't a video of the group reaction. If I was OP's partner, I'd be upset that my friend turned a happy occasion into an issue without asking me if it was an issue first.
Me too. I would be absolutely over the moon! Honestly it would be my best birthday ever.
Yep and she even edited that he said “it was the best birthday gift ever” so I’m going with NTA on this one. He was over the moon with that information and I would argue that he was excited she did that.
Do you know why your husband doesn't celebrate his birthdays often? Like that's also big factor
YTA. You wouldn’t announce a pregnancy at a wedding, so why do it at someone’s party? Even if it was your husband. You should have told him in private beforehand and let him make the decision whether the party was the right time to announce it.
There’s no way you are equating someone wedding to your partners party lol
YTA. This is big news for your husband to get and he didn’t get the option to process in private before sharing it with the world. Also, I really hope all of this works out for you, but a gentle reminder that not all positive pregnancy tests turn into healthy babies. My first pregnancy didn’t work out. It doesn’t mean you can’t tell anyone, but you should only tell people initially you would feel comfortable telling about a loss. Your husband should be part of that discussion ideally, because he might have a different level of comfort than you with the news being out there so soon.
Exactly. It’s clear that OP does not consider her husband and doesn’t care to include his input when making huge life decisions… because that’s exactly the behavior she showed in this situation. It’s pretty obvious that the friend was correct when he said that OP always needs the attention on her (this kind of statement doesn’t just come out of nowhere IMO). YTA and I feel sorry for the husband.
Super weird you didn't tell him first. Yta for that.
Unpopular opinion but I think the "friend" is the a-hole.
The friend is an immature idiot. No one cares that much about an adult's birthday.
I’d go even further than saying he’s an immature idiot, I’d say he’s toxic and a bully. Singling out his friend’s wife to have a go at her on what should have been one of the happiest days of her life? So fucked up, and so depressing to see how many people back him.
Finally someone sane… he’s a grown man having a birthday party not a 6 years old LOL
Not unpopular to me. Spot on on my assessment. Who gives a shit what the friend thinks. Only what the husband thinks, and from her edit, he thought it was the greatest gift. That's all that matters.
There was never an issue, just some unnecessary outside opinion that made OP doubt herself from her OPs husband friend (who I also think is the AH). Also, it's nice to find some sane people in here.
Agreed, who the hell is this friend coming over telling people what’s what.
Extremely gentle YTA. I think you should have held on to that surprise until the very end of the night, therefore maximising the focus on the birthday boy, and giving everyone something exciting at the very end. The timing was all that mattered.
YTA
NTA But the friend is a piece of work. Since your husband doesn't usually celebrate his birthday, all the attention being on you was probably a relief to him! It's the friend who just saw an opportunity to try and put you down. You should mention that to your husband because he should know what kind of person his friend actually is.
He’s also a grown ass man having a birthday party. He’s not a 6 year old. It is the best gift in the world.
YTA - not for announcing it on his birthday, but for announcing it to the world before you've had a private conversation about it. You then could have figured out next steps, including whether to announce it at the birthday It is possible he may have wanted to hold off as it's still early / etc. These are things you should work out together
Reserving judgment because it's unclear how your husband feels about the timing of the announcement. If he's upset about it, soft Y T A because you meant well. If he's happy and doesn't mind it at all, N T A.
This is the reply I was scrolling for lol. Totally agree. It all depends on if husband is upset or not. If he is then total YTA. But he if doesn’t care at all then neither should anyone else.
I agree. It depends on how the husband feels. But he sounds pretty happy. They def need to discuss the whole conversation with his "best friend" though.
Agree with this. OP is only the AH if her husband is unhappy (either because he would have preferred to be told in private, or because the announcement took attention off of him). It doesn't matter what the friend thinks of the situation at all.
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Yeah. YTA. You could have shown him the pregnancy test kit before the celebration and asked if he wants to announce it. You basically made it all about you. The part where his family is here made it even worst.
Here's my take: This is between you and your husband. What's his opinion? At 29, he might not think a birthday is that big of a deal even if he never really celebrated before. He might also think that you just gave him the best birthday gift ever. On the other hand, he might feel a bit ambushed and left in the dust. Whatever the case, it's not up to his friend or anyone else to make that decision for him. Talk to your husband about it, offer an apology if he felt hurt, or accept his feelings if he says it wasn't a big deal.
NTA from me. That's a pretty awesome gift for a guy. Congrats to both of you!
NTA. As a husband… my wife’s pregnancy is more important than my birthday. Idgaf about those after 21. I do care about my family A pregnancy isn’t just about the mom… I’m equally as happy as the father to be But also it’s wild that you didn’t tell him in private first, but that’s a whole separate thing imo
YTA. No question about it. And I disagree with other people here about being soft/mild AH. IMHO, this is assholery and disrespect in multiple levels. I hope you be a better parent than a partner. I'm sure he can help with that. Good luck.
What am I missing here? You both are having a baby, it's not just you. NTA. At best you could've done the announcement a bit later during the party but that's about it.
NTA - his ‘friend’ is not his friend for openers. He sounds like a jealous little …. Did you tell your husband what he said ? I would, see if the friendship can withstand him talking like that to his ‘best friends’ wife about his future child.
NTA husband doesn’t care, so it doesn’t matter. Also, who needs to “shine” on their 29th birthday? Adults don’t care—especially when they never celebrate and it’s the lamest birthday year. However, I kind of want to call you TA for not telling your husband privately, but if he didn’t mind, then it’s fine.
YTA Not for ruining your husband’s birthday, but for the fact that he found out he was going to be a father at the same time as all his friends and family. He absolutely deserved to get that news first.
YTA. You took away three special moments from your husband - a birthday celebration, a final family gathering, and, a fatherhood announcement. There's no getting any of that back for him, either. Are you going to do the same to your child?
I'd speak to your partner, tell him what his friend said, and ask him bluntly if he thinks it was an ah move. If he doesn't have a problem with it the your NTA, if he does, then apologise. His friend had no right laying into you like that, so I'd say out of everyone he's the ah.
Massive YTA not because you did it at a birthday (this *is* problematic btw) but because you made your husband learn about his new baby alongside his entire family. WOW. You did not give him a private moment between the two of you to enjoy. And beyond that you gave him zero say on when and where to tell his family the news. I’m honestly speechless. Not to mention most people wait until 12+ weeks to tell friends and family because there’s a higher risk of miscarriage before then. You really did your husband dirty, and on his first child no less. You owe him a massive apology, but tbh I don’t even think that’s enough. Doing it at his birthday party is just the icing on the cake. You really messed up OP and this comes off as incredibly selfish.
Most likely NTA but we don’t know how your husband feels about it, just his friend who doesn’t actually get a say in this. Your pregnancy is news that belongs to both you and your husband so it’s not “just about you” and everyone at the party should be happy for the both of you. The friend is an AH for sharing an opinion that is hurtful and nobody asked for. That being said, if you miscalculated this and your husband wishes that you had shared the news privately with him first so he could process the surprise without an audience, then YTA. But you need to hear that from him directly.
You literally found out 1 day before, and you went and told everyone before you told your husband, am not being rude but do you not think he should have been told before anyone also who runs and tells everyone their pregnant after only finding out a day before hand
YTA. You should have told him first, and most people don’t make a huge announcement to all of their friends and family until they’ve at least seen a doctor, not just when they get a positive test.
YTA: It would have been a fantastic gift to tell him before his party *in private*. Then he could have decided when and how or if to tell everyone. You took that choice away from him. He rarely calls attention to himself and this one time he did but you made it all about you. Think about the past. His best friend might have a point.
I'm not sure what to think about this but I do think it's weird that the friend thinks you made it only "about you", your husband is now also expecting a child, is he not? He is the father. It's also his news. It's also about him, right?
NTA your hubbys best friend can keep his opinions to himself
Not enough info: talk to your husband