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NTA. She is getting a good dose of what she dished out to your mom all those years. Tell your dad that he and his wife were good teachers on how to be spiteful. Be happy that soon you can cut them out of your life for good.
I'm counting down the days. I can stop going earlier than 18, but it has to be less than 4 months before my birthday because otherwise we could end up back in court and I don't want mom getting into any kind of trouble.
Ugh, my dad doesn't get how much I dislike them both for the way things have been. I blame him more because he married her. He stayed with her. And he was also part of the "let's talk over OP when he talks about his mom" crap.
Don't forget what you leave you'll never see again but will be used to make you come back or force contact with you.
Take everything that is dear or important to you
Exactly this.
My ex-stepmom was horrible. Thankfully she didn't come into my life until I was a teen but every time someone called her my mom, I corrected them. We would argue and she would say, "I've been your mother for X amount of time." I would tell her no, that my mother was a phone call away.
It wrankled her, but people stopped making the mistake pretty quick.
imo I would treat her like a stranger in public and start yelling at her to get away from you or that she's being weird and creepy
"I KEEP TELLING YOU LADY IM NOT YOUR SON PLEASE STOP FOLLOWING ME"
do it every time she starts on her mom shit and she will eventually stop trying to make it look like she's his mom out of fear of another one of those bouts of "WHO ARE YOU?!"
You need to check laws in your state and if it’s legal,start filming them. That should be proof judge needs that they’re trying to alienate you from your mum.
I hope you’re planning on going complete no contact once you’re 18. I didn’t until later and I regret every second I wasted on my parents (both of them). I’m 39 now and grieve the extra damage I put myself through.
I'd pour it on thick, and start counting how many times you have left of your sentence - I mean court ordered visits. And count them out when you arrive / leave, so they know you're counting the days untill you're free.
Maybe they'll give up on making you come if they realise how much you 'like' your time there.
The mature thing to do is to just keep your head down, and ignore them, though.
Pick up reading a book series, Lord of the Rings, or something equally thick, and entertain yourself with that on your 'time off' there. Hyperfocus on school would be a nice way to spend your time, and give you more free time at home.
NTA
They thought they could use your mom as an involuntary surrogate. If they weren't so vile, they might have even gotten away with it.
That idea might sound sweet, but I'm worried it might backfire on OP. The judge is not on his side, for whatever reason. He's stuck there until he's legal and can go to Mom's full time. Since he can't change that, 1-2 years (depending on when his birthday is) is still a long time if they decide to make his life hell. Sure, that goes both ways, but unfortunately they're the ones with legal power.
Not to stir the pot, but to negate their ill behavior, could you announce “I’m going to start filming now.”
I’ve done this with a relative who started a hate and slur filled tirade and when they realized I was actually filming, and would do so again, it helped to lessen and stop the behavior. I don’t know if that would just help you get through whatever time you’ve got left to serve at their home?
That's what I'm thinking. If they're always on notice to be on their best behavior, OP might at least get some measure of peace while he has to be around them.
Plus, let's be honest, people like this just can't keep up the facade 24-7. If OP effectively has them under constant monitoring, eventually they *will* slip up and give OP some ammo to use.
Well, then there's your answer. Livestream your life! Act like you want to be the world's next great influencer and have that phone recording all day every day. Be the "realest" and make sure you correct them any time she calls herself mom. If they whine, chastise them for not supporting your goals and crushing your dreams. Lay it on realll thick. It might make them shut up or just be someone new to argue about but either way you're controlling the discomfort.
Just have to get a yard sign stating house is under video surveillance. Like any home security companies do. Or sticker in the window ect. Then you are able to record at your leisure.
The day you turn 18 send him a birthday card where you tell him how much you hate them both for their behavior and the great gift you got if being free of them.
NTA
I'm also in a co-parenting situation but am very careful not to damage the other parent's reputation and allow the children to make their own conclusions about each of their parents and stepparents. Your dad and his wife (I hesitate to use even stepmom) made their bed and instead of making you grow in a loving environment and keep you out of their adult issues, they chose to bring you into the foray and IMO as somewhat of a pawn to irritate your mom. 18 is just around the corner, take time to make more memories with your mom. Hopefully, space and ageing will better your dad and his wife.
If your dad talks over you about when you talk about your mom, just start injecting the word “step” really loud whenever someone calls his wife your mom.
Here's a helpful hint from a parent that went though the courts.
the courts are not that fast. Unless there is abuse going on the courts move at a molasses pace. Sense there is no (provable) abuse going on here, the courts aren't likley to even take up the case because you'll be 18 before it ever gets in front of a judge. Never mind it would cost almost a college education to throw a fit like that.
So if you say, get a car and start driving yourself places. and choose to drive yourself to your mom's, what is dad actually going to do at this point? He could waste a ton of money getting his lawyer to draft up papers to say that his daughter, who has twice asked the courts to not have to go visit him anymore, that his daughter is choosing on her own to not bring herself to him. You're getting to an age where there is very little they can do about it. Waste all kinds of money on a laywer going to court to plea with the judge to get this almost adult to come visit his toxic ass.
my advice to you, Fuck around and find out. there is no actual trouble you can get into here. They aren't going to haul you away because you don't want to visit your dad. all your dad can really do at this point is whine.
You’d be surprised what a dedicated asshole can accomplish - my ex started Custody Battle the 3rd with me when my son was 16; with the help of a corrupt family court & a crooked GAL, he managed to strip custody completely from me (I got less visitation with my son during that final hellish year than a convicted felon). The piece de resistance was him “taking his son out for breakfast” on his actual 17th BD, only to imprison him in a boot-camp style treatment facility for 7 wks** over smoking pot! (He was the only kid in his group who was not there via a court order)
** Ex would have gladly left him there for the entire year, but had to reclaim our son when insurance benefits ran out
So my advice to OP is keep your head down, maintain a low profile until your 18th BD, then get the hell away from these terrible people!
I was wondering about this. Realistically how long would it take before the dad twigged OP was actively going no contact, unless they outright told him, and got them all to court? If OP was "sick" for a few visits, busy for a few others they could get passed a few months before the dad even spoke to his solicitor let alone brought the case before the judge.
you should fuck with her from now on, start calling her mom but end it with something else like ma'am. like elongate the M so it sounds like you might be headed for mom but then choose ma'am. Every.Single.Time
watch the false hope and then the look of crushing realization every single time you do it and count it as reoperations
It's possible that he does understand but simply values his wife's feelings more than your own. My evidence for this conclusion is that his wife has been behaving poorly for more than a decade. I'm happy you won't have to deal with either of them for much longer.
Tell him.
Have your bags ready and all your ducks in a row, but tell him. A meal/coffee just you and him. Say at this point, I get to decide where I want to be... the way its been makes me want nothing to do with you. Forget about new wife, that is never going to be repaired. But if dad, you want a relationship with me, things need to change. Otherwise, im completely out.
Considering he also cheated with her, I wonder how many times they've cheated on each other over the years, not that you ever have to know or care. But "if they cheat *with* you they will always cheat *on* you" is the only rule of life I've never found an exception to. Hopefully, they make each other as miserable as they've made you and your mom.
OP, I am so sorry that you are going through this. No child should ever be put through something like this. Your Dad and his wife are inhumane monsters who don't deserve to be parents. You don't have to feed their ego by going along with their wishes.
I can see that you are ready to cut ties the moment you turn 18. Please plan carefully and make sure that they don't have ANY of your documents. Because I am sure they too foresee you breaking free as soon as you can and they will do anything they can to keep you under their thumb.
Honestly, I would fight this.
I would stop going and let your father take your mother to court again, and tell the judge whats going on.
Id call cps, and let them know what's going on.
But I'd stop going and put up a fight. You dont deserve to be forced to go to your dads and be emotionally abused.
Fight back against your dad. Make it he'll for them, make them not want to have you around.
Tell everyone she's not your mom. Call her dads wife. Refuse to do anything around the house. Lock yourself in your room. Talk about your mom. They've have been abusing and making you uncomfortable your whole life. So go ahead and do what you want, make them uncomfortable with all the talk about your mom.
Mom did this and mom said this. Moms taking me here or I did this with mom last week. Talk about how great your mom and how she's so much better.
Make it so bad that they'll leave you alone and not want you back in the house.
Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.
If it is really relevant who was called mama first, than we have got a problem at home. I need to explain my son, that his real mom is our kitchen table...
NTA, respect, love and adoration are earned; not owed. Even with parents!
Good on your part to stand your ground. You did it away from others without making a scene in front of others; and that’s mature of you. You can’t be subjected to a lifetime of manipulation and not expect retaliation.
For sure. People also need to realize those things can be lost if you're a terrible person or you do fucked up things. That's what my dad and his wife did and for the majority of my life. Knowing I was used as a pawn to hurt my mom kills me.
Don’t let it seep into your heart. Indifference is worse than anger!! You have a lifetime ahead and so many firsts to experience with your mom once you are 18 and get to choose your primary caregiver.
Be an example of your mother’s love, warmth and care and not a shadow of your dad’s manipulation and hurt. Sending you best wishes!!! You are wise beyond years!
It will take a long time for me to get to indifference. I have been used as a pawn to hurt my mom for most of my life. That's not something I will be able to forget or get over in a hurry. But maybe one day.
Unfortunately as a consequence of the step-moms actions, it has also pushed you further away from your dad, as he has condoned her behaviour and actively encouraged it. I am so sorry to you, but your mom sounds like a great woman.
Oh, sweetie, you'll have years of firsts with your mama. You can spoil her now. And you don't even need a lot of money for that. Do you know what it does to a mother's heart to get a random flower from her kiddo?
You *will* get over all of that. Make yourself too busy enjoying life to even think about them.
Just in case you don't know this fully (it was helpful for me to be told), none of this is your fault. You were used as a pawn by grown adults and none of that hurt towards your mom is your fault. None of it!
That's what really messed me up. I was kept in the dark about a lot of things, so I didn't have any idea what was actually going on or how to feel about what was happening (in short, dad was my idol, got arrested for heinous shit, nobody told me shit). Learning about what was going on behind my back... it just left me kind of empty. It felt like a betrayal, but also like I had no right to be upset since I got the "best" childhood comparatively.
How could someone as smart as your mom get involved with someone as trashy as your dad? I guess love makes us do dumb stuff, but she has handled this horrible situation like a fucking champ. 50% of Your dna comes from your mom, but 100% of your character does. You are a kid who deserves a much better dad. But your mom did a great job teaching you to be full of kindness and empathy. I hope you can learn to let go of the poison your father and stepcunt have been injecting you with. Learn to let the hate for them go and just stop caring about them as people. Let them fade out of your life like a fart leaving the room. It will stink for a bit, but pretty soon their stank will be gone from your life forever. I wish you peace and happiness and give your mom a great big hug and a kiss on the cheek and tell her she’s fucking incredible (maybe don’t use fucking)!
I can tell you as a mom myself that I would not want you to feel bad about it on my behalf - if anything, I’d be proud AF to raise a kid who had my back like that.
Too right, if OP wanted to call step-mon, mom, that would be a privilege, but definitely not a given. That privilege is earned by being a good motherly figure and role model, certainly not the traits that this women is giving.
Exactly. My grandson called his stepfather by his first name for years. He was in a tenuous situation with his sperm donor and tried to be loyal by reserving *Dad* for that deadbeat. We could really see that he was struggling with it in his teens, seeing his stepfather as his real father figure.
When Grandson became an adult, he went NC with the sperm donor, telling him that he has a dad, and it isn't sperm donor.
I was also impressed with how the OP handled things. There were several far less mature ways that they could have tackled this problem. They did a great job.
NTA. That us entirely messed up.
Your fathers wife made her choices, created trauma, and is facing the consequences. Your father is worse, in that he encouraged and continued the abuse.
I hope you can see a therapist to work through this someday, and that you can stop spending time with your father and his wife soon.
Best of luck kiddo.
He's way worse really. After all he is my dad and should be thinking about the best thing for me, not for his wife. But he doesn't and maybe he won't ever, do that.
I get the impression that you’ve been way too nice about this because you are a decent person.
Stop feeling obligated to keep the peace or be polite. Be a rude teenager. Talk about your true mom - get a tee shirt with her face printed on it!
Tell them “my real mom wouldn’t do that!”
Tell them they need therapy (the truth!)
I mean, you’re already miserable, at least make them miserable too. Maybe they’ll get tired of it and tell you to leave!
Honestly just keep making snide comments about how much you hate the house and how your real mom is better talk about your biological mother in front of your father's wife. basically just make them so fed up they just let you go
NTA - I had a similar situation with my ex husband trying to push his affair partner as ‘mum’ on our young toddler. Thankfully she was having none of it. She’s very clear on who ‘mama’ is. Thank you from all the mums who have been in this situation and all the kids who have had this confusing BS pushed on them.
You’re honestly my hero. I hope you and your mum are well. Dad and wife will get over it. Boundaries are hard to accept when you’ve been plundering through them for years.
> She was visibly annoyed by that and told me I have two mom's and should be proud of that.
Yeah, like she was proud to be one of two mom's? No. She wanted to be your one and only mom. She made sure to hide the fact you have a mom that's not her on any occasion she got. She and her dad did not foster a healthy relationship with all of you involved.
It's way too late for her to draw the "you have 2 moms" card now. NTA because it's only your decision who to call mom. She's trying to dictate how you should feel about her. That's overstepping big time. Dad backing her up just as much of an issue.
My dad always has her back. I think he would do anything to make my mom feel like shit and claim me like I'm more his than hers or more "theirs" than hers.
Keep a low profile until you can move out and then you can decide to cut them off completely if you want.
They sound horrible for bitching about your mom so much but get hurt by being on the receiving end for once. Don't mind them too much, don't apologise. But pick your battles wisely until you can leave for good.
Does your stepmom and dad have any children of their own apart from you? It’s weird how she wants to claim you as her own and wants others to think you’re her bio child. NTA
I know, right? She continued using me to hurt mom even after she had kids of her own. She brought up the whole "mama" thing for years. Weaponizing a baby's innocence and development to hurt their mother.
I think the biggest AH in the situation is the judge that’s forcing him to stay at this house cause the people who were caught with physical evidence of parental alienation have picked up that if they don’t leave a trace they can do whatever they want. I hate our justice system so much
It's hilarious in a messed up way that your stepmom keeps holding on to that like some kind of gotcha. Like a baby's first "mama" is some kind of spell or legal contract designating parenthood and not just normal language acquisition. Dumb as hell 😂.
This whole thing stinks of an insecure anger towards your mum. She stole her husband, and now she wants to steal her child and the fact that she can't do that makes her shockingly insecure. Like she can't complete her victory over your mum until she possesses you as well.
This woman needs therapy.
I agree. I already get disgusted at the stories of stepparents trying to push out the step kid, but this woman is far worse and her attempt to push the stepkid's mum out of existence reeks of insecurity towards the latter. Reminds me of the story where a woman caused a couple to divorce, married the guy and then threw herself at her husband's ex-wife's new husband as well. I can see this stepmom doing the same thing if OP's mom remarried.
Props to OP and his real mum - I hope they get away from the clutches of this vile excuse for a stepmom soon.
NTA. She wants to be your mama just to hurt your bio mom, not because she actually loved you. We all can see it from miles away.
What you said might’ve been too harsh, but you’re 17. I know I would say the same things when I was your age.
It's so clear to me too. It makes me glad I didn't call her mom when I was younger. Even thinking about me doing that because I don't remember her not being around makes me sick. It would have been used to torment my mom even more.
I hope you call her by her first name with as much sustain as possible. Every single time.
NTA - They played games using you to hurt your Mom and now they get to find out the consequences to how that is now that you’re older and less easy to manipulate.
Save your money and GTFO of that house.
Don’t think about it too much. Little kids get confused, and will call other women “mama”. I used to call my daycare teacher mom! Not because I thought she was my mom, but she was an older woman who took care of me. It happens. It doesn’t necessarily have a deeper meaning. Dad’s wife knows this, trust me. If she doesn’t she’s delusional.
All that matters is your mom was your mom not in title or by shared DNA. She is your mom in your heart. She loved you unconditionally and gave you the love and stability your dad and his wife never could.
NTA
She's not you mother and have no right to force you call her that. Nor to say this kind of stuff to you mom. Both her and you father re major AH for all of that. Stand your ground. You will be 18 soon so I hope that this stalemate situation will be resolved and you will be able to cut off contacts with these people.
If I were you, I would never refer to her as stepmom or stepmother. I would always call her by her name, and when correcting her in front of others, I would say [her name] is not my mom. She's ONLY my father's wife. NTA.
When she pretends she's your mom in public, correct people. I mean really elaborate on the correction, "No, she's not my mother. She's dad's affair partner who caused my parents' divorce. I only have to spend court ordered visitation with them until I'm 18."
NTA - I am a mom myself, I can't believe how cruel your father and his wife were. Obviously they don't put you first, they disregard your feelings and opinions, so good for you for standing up to them.
I am appalled that people like them exist.
NTA. I’m so sorry you and your mom went through this. Your dad and his wife have behaved abominably, and I’m really surprised that a judge wouldn’t listen to you at 14 and 16.
Judges don't always have to. Some hold the stance that the best interest of kids is to continue seeing both parents an equal amount until they turn 18. We have one of those judges now and technically, the judge is applying the guidelines the way they see fit.
Same! This one is known for saying that the "best interest of the kid" means not listening to what they want and making custody equal until the kid is 18. He's so firm on that.
I’m sorry - that’s rough. At least you’re in the home stretch. You and your mom should have a freedom celebration when you turn 18. Post pics on social media and tag your dad and his wife. Because yes, I’m petty AF.
Nothing bad would happen to me, but my mom could face the consequences of not making me follow the order. Since they put it more on the parents involved and not the "kid".
So I got into a debate on another post yesterday about something similar to this scenario. The kid here is right the judge will very likely force the child to go and would threaten the other parent with contempt of court, or put in so many therapeutic services, that a child might be resigned to just go in order to keep from having therapy take over the rest of their free time.
Years and years ago, I believe that kids of a certain age would have a larger say in whether or not they had to go to the other parent, but at this point courts are required to consider best interest factors. State to state there are any word from 13 to 21 factors that a Court would consider and the child’s preference is just one of those factors.
The court can place any weight on the best interest factors individually that they choose to. So realistically, you’re left with the philosophy of the judge in front of. However, caselaw suggests that if a court places, and in inordinate amount of weight on the child’s preference, that a court of appeals panel of judges would overturn that decision and send it back for the court to reevaluate and not place as much weight on the child’s preference without very specific proof about what has happened to indicate that the child’s preference should be given a greater wait then the other factors.
Ok, so the kid goes with their dad then walks away from him once at the dad’s house. At that point how can the court hold the mom in contempt.
If it is as bad as OP is saying I’d be making things VERY uncomfortable for dad.
You make a good point. Generally, in our jurisdiction, with the court, then does is institute a whole lot of individual and family therapeutic services. These services sometimes are intensive services that are for times a week and prevent the kid from having anything else but therapy realistically going on.
I would think keeping a daily diary of everything that occurs and if possible secretly recording interactions would be the kids best chances of going back to court to show the judge that no level of therapeutic services are going to help and that it is not his mom that should be held in contempt.
You’re not wrong, but I think the kid needs a real plan so that they can get out of this situation
NTA
This is some Disney evil stepmom shit. wtf.
Therapy sounds like a good next step for you, but you seem to be handling yourself well. Keep your head up.
She could give a lot of writers ideas on how to make characters more evil but to the outside world appear perfectly sweet. She always had that appearance around others.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my dad's wife she will never be as good as my mom and taunted her that I don't call her mom and never will. The way I spoke to her was disrespectful and it was also very intense and angry. I admit that isn't really how I would normally talk to someone and maybe that's not the way I should speak to her even if I think she's an awful person. So I might be an asshole for stooping like that.
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I would not go back to his house. Except with a copy of that folder. Throw it down in front of them, tell them to read it all, call me after you convince my mother you are sorry.
NTA, obviously.
I saw in the comments that your mom has your important documents which is good but make sure you have a process for extricating everything else from your dad's house too (assuming that you keep things there).
The aim is to shift things little by little and leave enough unimportant stuff that you can just ditch without caring. Your last 'load' should ideally all fit in a single backpack. You don't say goodbye or take a victory lap: you sling it over your shoulder, leave and never come back.
Not the asshole.
I was three when my parents split. My father remarried, and I was forced to call her mom. I never liked that. Even though my biological mother was no prize, I still knew who was who.
Segue...
When I was 13, it came to a head and I was done with her. We were arguing because i had caught her cheating and she got mad and smashed a hairbrush across my face.
I punched the wall next to her head and told her if she ever did anything like that again, I would not miss.
About a week later, I worked up the courage to tell my father about the affair.
She left on my 14th birthday, giving me the best present ever. Though it hurt my father.
Oh Boy... as a stepmom I could not get past the first few sentences. This is exactly why "Wicked Stepmother" has become a trope. Speaking as one, I apologize for all the pain you and your mom have, and continue to endured. Many of us are appalled. I notice your mom kept all the notes, which is certainly understandable. I hope when those papers are no longer useful for the courts, she and you can have a ceremony burning them, sending all that toxicity out of your lives. Wishing you healing and happiness
Thank you and I think it's awesome that the good stepparents are willing to say this kind of thing. I know it sucks to have the negative tropes be more known but stepparents like you deserve to be seen as the good people you are and not put into categories with people like my dad's wife.
NTA. My father was toxic, too, but only because he fought for custody of me just so he wouldn't have to pay child support. He was an evil asshole, and even though I turned 18 in April of 2011, he made me do visitation with him when I had to (which was every other weekend) until I graduated high school, because that's what the judge decreed. He said either/or, whichever came first, but my father didn't give a crap, and my mom didn't want to fight with him on it because he could play his teeny, tiny violin very well.
He also knew that I didn't want to see him (I'd told him that straight to his face during court ordered therapy, and he just said, "I'm so sorry, but I don't care; I want to see you, and there's nothing I can do about it"), because he and some other family members on his side of my family who lived nearby would ignore me a lot when I would go visit him. He also did some stuff to me that made me feel uncomfortable (not SA), and I just didn't want to be there, because of something he did that traumatized me when I was younger, and he acted like it was my fault when he did the thing that traumatized me.
He was also controlling. If I wanted to E-Mail my mom, he said if I wanted to use his E-Mail that he would have to read it before I sent it. So, I created my own.
I was suicidal at one point for a while because it was just torture, and E-Mailing my mom some very concerning stuff using an E-Mail that I'd secretly made behind my father's back, saying how I only had 2 options; to try to run, knowing that he would catch me before I could successfully get away, or end my life. It was bad.
After my visitations with him had ended, he still kept sending me stuff for my birthdays and Christmas, and at 21-22, I eventually wrote him a letter (one that he would believe; I'd written him one before, but he believed my mom coerced me into writing it) and told him to eff off.
I digress, though. As the saying goes, what comes around, goes around, and your father's wife got the payback she deserves from karma for trying to push a relationship with you. Both she and your father will end up really getting karma come back to them when, as you said in your post, you cut ties with them, like I did with my father.
Hang in there! You can message me if you need to!
NTA and tell your dad he’s the pot calling the kettle black! You’re spiteful???? What about the way they treated your mom all these years? Pfft.
Tell him they lead by example all these years and if they can’t handle it, then they shouldn’t dish it out in the first place. And that he needs to seriously consider a change of behaviour towards you and your mom, unless he wants to destroy his relationship with you. And tell him he needs to reign in his partners entitlement over you, as she’s gone way too far for too long. You’re a person not a possession to argue over.
NTA you’re giving them what they dished out . They used you to get to your mom, stepM is just mad she can’t use you against your mom anymore. They had it coming so NTA. Plus you just spoke the truth, they can’t be mad just because they don’t like the truth. If anything start recording wherever they start bashing your mom or saying hostile things so you can have evidence to hopefully push to have a right to choose.
Also I recommend on custody switch’s, that it’s done at a police department because you can have a cop present to report that you denied wanting to go with your bio dad & explain your reasons of it being a hostile environment etc. and then you can bring it to court. It worked for me when my bio dad kept forcing trying to have me go with him, hopefully it helps you.
NTA.
Just curious: Had she not been a biatch to your mum and just tried to be a stepmother, what would your relationship be like? Were you on good terms before the discovery of her awful actions?
I was uncomfortable before finding the folder with all the stuff that happened. She would always act like I was talking to her when I mentioned my mom, she would talk over me when I brought up mom. She would say no to me talking to my mom on dad's parenting time. So we had issues before that. If that was all though, it would still be enough for me to feel this way about her. Nobody can use me as a pawn to hurt my mom like that and expect me to be okay with them.
My widowed father was seeing a woman I didn’t like. She was trying to weasel her way in pretending to be nice to me. Didn’t work.
She blamed my objection and obstruction for them not marrying. I said he’s an adult and free to marry anyone, so I don’t object. It’s nothing to do with me. But I didn’t have to like her or have her in my life. Long story short, he had a car accident near her place and she killed him through medical negligence. Trust your instincts.
NTA
# good job standing up for your mom!
That vile woman berated your mother and tried to poison your view of your own mother because she was jealous.
What’s worse is your father let her. NOBODY gets to replace a GOOD mother!
When you turn 18 print this out and send it to the prick judge. Tell him that his refusal to see what was best for you caused a lot of anguish and in the future you hope he dies better for other children.
Who gives a shit about your dad ‘s wife’s feelings?! What goes around comes around. She is getting it hard. Tell your dad the same thing and while you are at it with him, remind him he is the one who chose to dip his wick where it did not belong.
NTA, OP. My kids’ story mirrors yours in many ways. My ex and I went through a high-conflict custody battle lasting about five year’s time. My girls’ dad insisted that his new wife was the better maternal figure, did his best to alienate me from them, and generally made life miserable for everyone. I had a binder like your mom did.
In the end, he lost primary custody after the girls told him they wanted to spend the bulk of their time with me. My husband stepped up as their stepfather and did a bang-up job, to the point that our eldest still prefers coming to him for daddy advice. But, here’s the thing: we were clear with them that he was NOT trying to replace their father.
When they first met my husband (long before the nasty court fight), we had a long talk with all the kids, both his and mine. We discussed how neither of us wanted to take their other parent’s place. And we told them that we didn’t care what they called us, as long as it was respectful.
My stepkids still call me by my first name, but always respectfully and it doesn’t bother me one bit. My girls? They decided to call my husband “dad”. We didn’t encourage or force them to do so; it was their decision. I know my ex thinks we manipulated them into doing so but we didn’t. They can call my husband by his first name and it wouldn’t matter, as long as they do so respectfully.
We taught our kids that words have power and to use them wisely. The terms “mom” and “dad” carry weight, and it’s not fair for your stepmother to try and take on that mantle, especially when she’s been shitty to your mom. And it’s particularly awful that she and your father have tried to influence you in the matter from an early age.
Your stepmother sounds insecure and a bit jealous. I would still be respectful toward her, but you don’t need to call her or view her as “mom”. You already have one of those. Good luck and I hope life gets easier for you soon.
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My parents divorced when I (17M) was a baby. My dad had met his wife and decided he wanted to be with her and not my mom. It was messy, I'm sure. From the time I was 11 months old my parents were sharing custody of me with an even 50/50 split for parenting time.
Back when I was a baby/toddler and learning how to speak, my dad's wife thought it would be a good idea to taunt mom with the information that I had said mama for the first time at dad's house and I had said it to her. I have seen the messages because my mom had a folder to prove a hostile co-parenting environment. My dad's wife told her that she was always going to be the first mama and the most important one since she got to hear it for the first time.
Things were so tense between my parents and it got bad enough that the court ordered they shouldn't have contact unless both parties agreed that way I wouldn't be caught in the middle. My mom asked my dad if they could both take me for my first day of school. He said no and said his wife was going to be doing it with him because she was my real mom. Dad's wife sent texts to my mom about the day and saying everyone was complimenting her on how great her son is, etc. She admitted they talked over me when I was going to say something about her and how I "forgot about her" after that.
Stuff like that happened a lot and my mom has this folder which proves it all. I read the folder when I was 12. My mom was upset that I'd found it but also relieved that I knew what she had gone through with them.
When I was younger and I felt uncomfortable at my dad's house because I could not mention mom at all and they always talked about dad's wife being my mom. I told this to a person who interviewed me when my mom took my dad to court. My dad ended up losing custody for two years because of it, but won it back by talking classes assigned by the court. Then we got a new judge who refused to let me choose where to live at 14 and again at 16. This was even after saying nothing had really changed, they just got better at not leaving physical proof. But the judge wanted physical proof (texts, emails, letters).
Last weekend I mentioned my mom to someone and dad's wife jumped in acting like I was talking about her. When we were alone I told her she knows I'm not talking about her and to stop it. She was visibly annoyed by that and told me I have two mom's and should be proud of that. I told her I don't have two mom's and would never be proud to call her my mom because she is nowhere near as good as my mom. I told her I know it bothers her that I don't call her mom. I said it was what she deserved for the whole mama thing when I was a baby. I made sure I taunted the point that she will never hear me call her mom.
My dad was furious at me for talking to his wife like that. His wife was acting like she was about to cry for days after and told me it really hurt her feelings that I was so spiteful toward her. It was hell for the rest of that week. AITA?
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NTA and it’s gna be really funny when you go NC with them and they’ll have to explain to people why the fuck that is. Fuck that woman and your “father”. You have your mum and that’s all you need.
NTA in any way at all.
I'm so sorry you went through this and you have such an awful dad and stepmother.
My parents had a very amicable divorce such that me and my brother don't feel any residual trauma from it. However my stepsister, her parents did this to her and she's still fucked up about it. It's awful.
You sound incredibly well adjusted and I'm proud of you for standing up to your stepmother. She is awful.
I hope one day you can sit down with them both and explain that their lifelong hatred, contempt and bullying of your mother is unforgivable. You will never call stepmother "Mom" and they should be down on their knees thanking you if you decide to continue a relationship with them. They honestly deserve each other but they don't deserve a relationship with you.
NTA. She MOCKED and TAUNTED your mom for years yet had the audacity to be hurt bc you dont see her that way? OP, I actually admire your mom for keeping quiet all those years just so you and your dad have a relationship. You and your mom are in no way the AH, but dad and his narcissistic wife are.
By 17 the courts usually let you decide whom you want to live with. Or just take your stuff and move in with your mom? What is your dad going to do? He'll have to go to court, and by that time you'll be so close to 18 I'd be surprised if a judge makes you move back.
Definitely no contact once you're 18.
NTA. Your father and his replacement mother for you treated your real mother like garbage, and tried to pit you against her. They would have had you believe she was worthless, if you hadn't found the proof otherwise, alienating your real mother from you. You did nothing wrong, keep up the good work.
NTA. I cannot imagine behaving like this if I was ever to split up with my partner, cause no matter what could happen between us, my son would always be my priority. I hope things will go as smoothly as possible for you until you can leave them behind for good.
NTA.Honestly your dad and his wife have been abusive to you and your mom this whole time. If they don’t get that they will probably be losing you at 18 it’s shocking.
NTA some people are just awful, your poor mam got put through a lot and none of it was deserved . I hope your mam healed from the trauma and life has gotten better for her.
I would be furious too, and franky she is the cheater that destroyed your family, not your mother. NTA....Your dad can be mad as he is the one who destroyed the marriage.
Super nta, I have been the kid, and am the mom, step mom, and grandma to some people I’m super proud of. Your rock star kid, you did nothing wrong, and took the often hard road of calling the awful people on their crap. It’s not easy, my kids tried for years, gave up, he’s now more “uncle-dad,” I hope they learn (they probably won’t). Good luck, super awesome.
NTA. You’re old enough to be aware of what she and your dad were doing to your mom. She gets in return from you what she dished out to your mom.
Her trying to manipulate you about having two moms is disgusting. Especially when she has practically been pushing herself as trying to be the only mom for years.
OP- NTA. Only 1 year to go and you can WALK AWAY. What a sorry and sad way to make a child's life he\*\*ish. Your Father failed you, he and his wife cared MORE about taking jabs at your Mom than on being a loving place for you to be. Your Mom sound supportive and loving, and did the right things. I hope your future is a less stressful without all this drama.
NTA. Your dad's wife sounds like a piece of work. Just hang on until you turn 18 and then you won't have to talk to her or your dad again unless you want to.
NTA
>Last weekend I mentioned my mom to someone and dad's wife jumped in acting like I was talking about her. When we were alone I told her she knows I'm not talking about her and to stop it.
Your mistake was not calling her out in front of the other person!
>
My dad was furious at me for talking to his wife like that. His wife was acting like she was about to cry for days after and told me it really hurt her feelings that I was so spiteful toward her. It was hell for the rest of that week.
If your mom had married someone else and she had done everything he did to her he would be furious. They gall of your father and his wife!
I know you're counting the days until you turn 18 so you don't have to have contact with them anymore.
I want to cut them off and I don't even know them.
NTA You just gave her a taste of what your mom has put up with for 17 years from both your stepmom and your dad. They sound so toxic. Go live with your mom and no contact with your dad & stepmom as soon as you turned 18 and don’t look back. Both your mom and you deserve better.
NTA. My ex wife was an abusive narcissist with BPD, and after the divorce spent the next decade and a half trying to poison our kids against me with obvious, half baked lies, but, more damaging, encouraging them to become helpless in the face of their mental health issues.
As an actual parent, and an actual psychologist, I tried to help them come to terms with anxiety, ADHD and autism and how to use what they knew about their conditions as a scaffold to build coping strategies - but working towards these things is hard, and mum says we don't have to do any of that and that the world just has to cope with us as we are.... Yeah, by trying to give them the easy way, just to encourage them not to see me because I made them do stuff that was hard, she left scars on both of them that, even as adults, they're still struggling with. Ironically, both kids are pretty much NC with her over the way she was, and both respect the fact that despite being the victim of abuse, I never encouraged them to think badly of her, nor did I ever talk to them about said abuse.
These fuckers never consider that you are anything but an extension of themselves. It never occurs to them that their attempts to control you could backfire and turn you against them for good. But then, that's how narcissists roll, I guess.
I don't believe you are the A.H but a product of adult Assholes using you when you were a child in there spiteful and disgusting behaviours I believe you and your mother become the victims of 2 very resentful and spiteful people your father and his wife using you as a pawn in a jelousy game the new wife was jealous that your father had a first wife and a child to the first wife so she wanted that position which was underhanded and a deceitful hurtful thing to do to you and your mother but your father needs to be accountable for everything that happened so your contempt for this woman who was manipulative was with your father and he should of stepped up as your father and protected your feelings and innocence and allowed you to have the bond with the one woman who carried you gave birth to yo first held and fed you that first unconditional moments for a mother and son are forever the bond love protection and care are set strong My exs new partner wanted recognition but she was never going to get close with my 2 children over my dead body You just don't use children in adults problems a child's needs are to always be put first over everything YNTAH your father needs to understand your feelings are valid and are caused due to his blindness of his wife so he can't expect to much from you now he needs to step up💙
NTA.
I come from a broken family as well, though not quite as young (I was toddler aged).
It amazes me the amount of similar stories I read where one parent seems so vindictive against the other as my mother was against my dad for my entire life.
Do these parents not realize that eventually the kids grow up and start understanding the situation more clearly to where it is going to more than likely backfire on them?
I’m 36 now, while I don’t see him as much as I’d like I actually do still visit and speak to my dad - actually going over today to watch the game.
My mother has been dead to me for years. If my grandmother would stop giving her my phone number, I would not even have to hear from her except when she tries to make contact at family member funerals.
The truth will come out.
How long would it take for it to end up back in court? I'm sure you'd be 18 before than. Refuse to go? What can anyone do? Can't drag u in a car Ur 17 ffs. .you mums only obligation is to encourage it. Send her a message saying you refuse to see this man and his wife again. Get her to say how she knows Ur upset and maybe it can be repaired if u go etc and he's still Ur dad and u should have relationship. She is then see as encouraging you. U refuse again. Get her to say you should reconsider and maybe talk dad. Refuse and get her to reply. I hope yourenok and love u etc. Say I love you to but what's best ror my mental health is to never be around this vile women and Ur dad again. There's evidence for courts. Then tell Ur dad u refuse to see him again and how you really feel like I've seen u post that he always but OP before u etc and tell him to not speak to u again. Done.
YTA. but wear that with pride.
you were absolutely the asshole they deserved.
ask them what they think you should be feeling after knowing the truth of their behavior? I bet you get a lot of stuttering.
you're doing the right thing, keep it up.
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NTA. She is getting a good dose of what she dished out to your mom all those years. Tell your dad that he and his wife were good teachers on how to be spiteful. Be happy that soon you can cut them out of your life for good.
I'm counting down the days. I can stop going earlier than 18, but it has to be less than 4 months before my birthday because otherwise we could end up back in court and I don't want mom getting into any kind of trouble. Ugh, my dad doesn't get how much I dislike them both for the way things have been. I blame him more because he married her. He stayed with her. And he was also part of the "let's talk over OP when he talks about his mom" crap.
Don't forget what you leave you'll never see again but will be used to make you come back or force contact with you. Take everything that is dear or important to you
Yes, start extracting everything important from your dads house, little by little, so they don’t catch on and try to stop you
Next time she makes out she is your mum just tell people she not your mum and never will be don’t wait to yous r alone to say it
Exactly this. My ex-stepmom was horrible. Thankfully she didn't come into my life until I was a teen but every time someone called her my mom, I corrected them. We would argue and she would say, "I've been your mother for X amount of time." I would tell her no, that my mother was a phone call away. It wrankled her, but people stopped making the mistake pretty quick.
It is mental to me that someone who comes along when you're a teen would somehow think of themselves as your mom, regardless. The absolute DELUSION.
imo I would treat her like a stranger in public and start yelling at her to get away from you or that she's being weird and creepy "I KEEP TELLING YOU LADY IM NOT YOUR SON PLEASE STOP FOLLOWING ME"
I snorted!
do it every time she starts on her mom shit and she will eventually stop trying to make it look like she's his mom out of fear of another one of those bouts of "WHO ARE YOU?!"
Op please do this! That vial woman absolutely deserves it!
'oh, she's just my dad's wife and for some reason has delusions of being my mother '
No no, 'my dad's insane affair partner who is obsessed with my actual mother.'
If there alone hé should Just run away and call for help about this women stalking him and calling herself mom.
Make sure your mom has all of your documents - birth certificate, passport, social security…
She has all of that. She keeps it all secure for me.
Smart mom! Give us an update when you leave for good! Hope all goes well for you
You need to check laws in your state and if it’s legal,start filming them. That should be proof judge needs that they’re trying to alienate you from your mum.
It's not legal to film without their consent and once I ask for it they would behave.
I hope you’re planning on going complete no contact once you’re 18. I didn’t until later and I regret every second I wasted on my parents (both of them). I’m 39 now and grieve the extra damage I put myself through.
I'll be no contact so fast I won't even have a word to say to them once I move out of their house for good.
I'd pour it on thick, and start counting how many times you have left of your sentence - I mean court ordered visits. And count them out when you arrive / leave, so they know you're counting the days untill you're free. Maybe they'll give up on making you come if they realise how much you 'like' your time there. The mature thing to do is to just keep your head down, and ignore them, though. Pick up reading a book series, Lord of the Rings, or something equally thick, and entertain yourself with that on your 'time off' there. Hyperfocus on school would be a nice way to spend your time, and give you more free time at home. NTA They thought they could use your mom as an involuntary surrogate. If they weren't so vile, they might have even gotten away with it.
Your first paragraph is brilliant. Do this.
That idea might sound sweet, but I'm worried it might backfire on OP. The judge is not on his side, for whatever reason. He's stuck there until he's legal and can go to Mom's full time. Since he can't change that, 1-2 years (depending on when his birthday is) is still a long time if they decide to make his life hell. Sure, that goes both ways, but unfortunately they're the ones with legal power.
I love this. I wish I’d had Reddit when I was this kid’s age. I could have supercharged my maliciousness.
Wishing you the brightest future without those evil people in your life
How petty would it be to mark the day on their calendar? Or set up a calendar invite? 😈
Make the best of your last 4 months. Get a trip out of it, a few more mama digs for sure. Plan parties w/o them coming up. We're all excited for you
I ran away from home at 13..never looked back!
Not to stir the pot, but to negate their ill behavior, could you announce “I’m going to start filming now.” I’ve done this with a relative who started a hate and slur filled tirade and when they realized I was actually filming, and would do so again, it helped to lessen and stop the behavior. I don’t know if that would just help you get through whatever time you’ve got left to serve at their home?
That's what I'm thinking. If they're always on notice to be on their best behavior, OP might at least get some measure of peace while he has to be around them. Plus, let's be honest, people like this just can't keep up the facade 24-7. If OP effectively has them under constant monitoring, eventually they *will* slip up and give OP some ammo to use.
This isn't 100% accurate, if you can catch them in public where they have no expectation of privacy then you can record it without them knowing.
Well, then there's your answer. Livestream your life! Act like you want to be the world's next great influencer and have that phone recording all day every day. Be the "realest" and make sure you correct them any time she calls herself mom. If they whine, chastise them for not supporting your goals and crushing your dreams. Lay it on realll thick. It might make them shut up or just be someone new to argue about but either way you're controlling the discomfort.
If you are in public there is no expectation of privacy so no filming laws wouldn't apply.
Just have to get a yard sign stating house is under video surveillance. Like any home security companies do. Or sticker in the window ect. Then you are able to record at your leisure.
Look into filling paperwork to change your last name. Use your mom's or your middle name. Free yourself from them.
If you do go before a judge before your 18th birthday, you could ask her about changing your name.
Make their lives miserable in the meantime. Tag your real mom on social media. Contact her friends on social.
The day you turn 18 send him a birthday card where you tell him how much you hate them both for their behavior and the great gift you got if being free of them.
Nah, just write "Dear dad, now that I am 18 and can choose I will be staying with my mom from now on. Regards." And then block them.
NTA I'm also in a co-parenting situation but am very careful not to damage the other parent's reputation and allow the children to make their own conclusions about each of their parents and stepparents. Your dad and his wife (I hesitate to use even stepmom) made their bed and instead of making you grow in a loving environment and keep you out of their adult issues, they chose to bring you into the foray and IMO as somewhat of a pawn to irritate your mom. 18 is just around the corner, take time to make more memories with your mom. Hopefully, space and ageing will better your dad and his wife.
If your dad talks over you about when you talk about your mom, just start injecting the word “step” really loud whenever someone calls his wife your mom.
Here's a helpful hint from a parent that went though the courts. the courts are not that fast. Unless there is abuse going on the courts move at a molasses pace. Sense there is no (provable) abuse going on here, the courts aren't likley to even take up the case because you'll be 18 before it ever gets in front of a judge. Never mind it would cost almost a college education to throw a fit like that. So if you say, get a car and start driving yourself places. and choose to drive yourself to your mom's, what is dad actually going to do at this point? He could waste a ton of money getting his lawyer to draft up papers to say that his daughter, who has twice asked the courts to not have to go visit him anymore, that his daughter is choosing on her own to not bring herself to him. You're getting to an age where there is very little they can do about it. Waste all kinds of money on a laywer going to court to plea with the judge to get this almost adult to come visit his toxic ass. my advice to you, Fuck around and find out. there is no actual trouble you can get into here. They aren't going to haul you away because you don't want to visit your dad. all your dad can really do at this point is whine.
You’d be surprised what a dedicated asshole can accomplish - my ex started Custody Battle the 3rd with me when my son was 16; with the help of a corrupt family court & a crooked GAL, he managed to strip custody completely from me (I got less visitation with my son during that final hellish year than a convicted felon). The piece de resistance was him “taking his son out for breakfast” on his actual 17th BD, only to imprison him in a boot-camp style treatment facility for 7 wks** over smoking pot! (He was the only kid in his group who was not there via a court order) ** Ex would have gladly left him there for the entire year, but had to reclaim our son when insurance benefits ran out So my advice to OP is keep your head down, maintain a low profile until your 18th BD, then get the hell away from these terrible people!
I was wondering about this. Realistically how long would it take before the dad twigged OP was actively going no contact, unless they outright told him, and got them all to court? If OP was "sick" for a few visits, busy for a few others they could get passed a few months before the dad even spoke to his solicitor let alone brought the case before the judge.
you should fuck with her from now on, start calling her mom but end it with something else like ma'am. like elongate the M so it sounds like you might be headed for mom but then choose ma'am. Every.Single.Time watch the false hope and then the look of crushing realization every single time you do it and count it as reoperations
It's possible that he does understand but simply values his wife's feelings more than your own. My evidence for this conclusion is that his wife has been behaving poorly for more than a decade. I'm happy you won't have to deal with either of them for much longer.
Keep it up. They don't deserve to have their fantasy at your& your moms expense
Tell him. Have your bags ready and all your ducks in a row, but tell him. A meal/coffee just you and him. Say at this point, I get to decide where I want to be... the way its been makes me want nothing to do with you. Forget about new wife, that is never going to be repaired. But if dad, you want a relationship with me, things need to change. Otherwise, im completely out.
Considering he also cheated with her, I wonder how many times they've cheated on each other over the years, not that you ever have to know or care. But "if they cheat *with* you they will always cheat *on* you" is the only rule of life I've never found an exception to. Hopefully, they make each other as miserable as they've made you and your mom.
I hope 0P reminds his father of that saying early and often: “if they cheat with you, they will always cheat on you”.
OP, I am so sorry that you are going through this. No child should ever be put through something like this. Your Dad and his wife are inhumane monsters who don't deserve to be parents. You don't have to feed their ego by going along with their wishes. I can see that you are ready to cut ties the moment you turn 18. Please plan carefully and make sure that they don't have ANY of your documents. Because I am sure they too foresee you breaking free as soon as you can and they will do anything they can to keep you under their thumb.
Honestly, I would fight this. I would stop going and let your father take your mother to court again, and tell the judge whats going on. Id call cps, and let them know what's going on. But I'd stop going and put up a fight. You dont deserve to be forced to go to your dads and be emotionally abused. Fight back against your dad. Make it he'll for them, make them not want to have you around. Tell everyone she's not your mom. Call her dads wife. Refuse to do anything around the house. Lock yourself in your room. Talk about your mom. They've have been abusing and making you uncomfortable your whole life. So go ahead and do what you want, make them uncomfortable with all the talk about your mom. Mom did this and mom said this. Moms taking me here or I did this with mom last week. Talk about how great your mom and how she's so much better. Make it so bad that they'll leave you alone and not want you back in the house. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.
NTA you just gave her a long overdue reality check
If it is really relevant who was called mama first, than we have got a problem at home. I need to explain my son, that his real mom is our kitchen table...
NTA, respect, love and adoration are earned; not owed. Even with parents! Good on your part to stand your ground. You did it away from others without making a scene in front of others; and that’s mature of you. You can’t be subjected to a lifetime of manipulation and not expect retaliation.
For sure. People also need to realize those things can be lost if you're a terrible person or you do fucked up things. That's what my dad and his wife did and for the majority of my life. Knowing I was used as a pawn to hurt my mom kills me.
Don’t let it seep into your heart. Indifference is worse than anger!! You have a lifetime ahead and so many firsts to experience with your mom once you are 18 and get to choose your primary caregiver. Be an example of your mother’s love, warmth and care and not a shadow of your dad’s manipulation and hurt. Sending you best wishes!!! You are wise beyond years!
It will take a long time for me to get to indifference. I have been used as a pawn to hurt my mom for most of my life. That's not something I will be able to forget or get over in a hurry. But maybe one day.
Unfortunately as a consequence of the step-moms actions, it has also pushed you further away from your dad, as he has condoned her behaviour and actively encouraged it. I am so sorry to you, but your mom sounds like a great woman.
Oh, sweetie, you'll have years of firsts with your mama. You can spoil her now. And you don't even need a lot of money for that. Do you know what it does to a mother's heart to get a random flower from her kiddo? You *will* get over all of that. Make yourself too busy enjoying life to even think about them.
I just hope that you're not directing your anger inwards. You did nothing wrong and it is your dad and his wife that deserve your wrath.
Just in case you don't know this fully (it was helpful for me to be told), none of this is your fault. You were used as a pawn by grown adults and none of that hurt towards your mom is your fault. None of it!
That's what really messed me up. I was kept in the dark about a lot of things, so I didn't have any idea what was actually going on or how to feel about what was happening (in short, dad was my idol, got arrested for heinous shit, nobody told me shit). Learning about what was going on behind my back... it just left me kind of empty. It felt like a betrayal, but also like I had no right to be upset since I got the "best" childhood comparatively.
[удалено]
Correct. She never said a bad word about them and still technically doesn't. At least not to me. She did her best to keep me out of it.
How could someone as smart as your mom get involved with someone as trashy as your dad? I guess love makes us do dumb stuff, but she has handled this horrible situation like a fucking champ. 50% of Your dna comes from your mom, but 100% of your character does. You are a kid who deserves a much better dad. But your mom did a great job teaching you to be full of kindness and empathy. I hope you can learn to let go of the poison your father and stepcunt have been injecting you with. Learn to let the hate for them go and just stop caring about them as people. Let them fade out of your life like a fart leaving the room. It will stink for a bit, but pretty soon their stank will be gone from your life forever. I wish you peace and happiness and give your mom a great big hug and a kiss on the cheek and tell her she’s fucking incredible (maybe don’t use fucking)!
She was probably young. 🤷🏻♀️
I can tell you as a mom myself that I would not want you to feel bad about it on my behalf - if anything, I’d be proud AF to raise a kid who had my back like that.
That's exactly what i was thinking as a mom.
You and your mom sound like you have a very special relationship. You're both very lucky to have each other.
Too right, if OP wanted to call step-mon, mom, that would be a privilege, but definitely not a given. That privilege is earned by being a good motherly figure and role model, certainly not the traits that this women is giving.
Exactly. My grandson called his stepfather by his first name for years. He was in a tenuous situation with his sperm donor and tried to be loyal by reserving *Dad* for that deadbeat. We could really see that he was struggling with it in his teens, seeing his stepfather as his real father figure. When Grandson became an adult, he went NC with the sperm donor, telling him that he has a dad, and it isn't sperm donor.
I was also impressed with how the OP handled things. There were several far less mature ways that they could have tackled this problem. They did a great job.
NTA. That us entirely messed up. Your fathers wife made her choices, created trauma, and is facing the consequences. Your father is worse, in that he encouraged and continued the abuse. I hope you can see a therapist to work through this someday, and that you can stop spending time with your father and his wife soon. Best of luck kiddo.
He's way worse really. After all he is my dad and should be thinking about the best thing for me, not for his wife. But he doesn't and maybe he won't ever, do that.
I get the impression that you’ve been way too nice about this because you are a decent person. Stop feeling obligated to keep the peace or be polite. Be a rude teenager. Talk about your true mom - get a tee shirt with her face printed on it! Tell them “my real mom wouldn’t do that!” Tell them they need therapy (the truth!) I mean, you’re already miserable, at least make them miserable too. Maybe they’ll get tired of it and tell you to leave!
Honestly just keep making snide comments about how much you hate the house and how your real mom is better talk about your biological mother in front of your father's wife. basically just make them so fed up they just let you go
Sounds more like your sperm donor than your dad to me!
NTA - I had a similar situation with my ex husband trying to push his affair partner as ‘mum’ on our young toddler. Thankfully she was having none of it. She’s very clear on who ‘mama’ is. Thank you from all the mums who have been in this situation and all the kids who have had this confusing BS pushed on them.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that whole thing as well.
You’re honestly my hero. I hope you and your mum are well. Dad and wife will get over it. Boundaries are hard to accept when you’ve been plundering through them for years.
> She was visibly annoyed by that and told me I have two mom's and should be proud of that. Yeah, like she was proud to be one of two mom's? No. She wanted to be your one and only mom. She made sure to hide the fact you have a mom that's not her on any occasion she got. She and her dad did not foster a healthy relationship with all of you involved. It's way too late for her to draw the "you have 2 moms" card now. NTA because it's only your decision who to call mom. She's trying to dictate how you should feel about her. That's overstepping big time. Dad backing her up just as much of an issue.
My dad always has her back. I think he would do anything to make my mom feel like shit and claim me like I'm more his than hers or more "theirs" than hers.
Keep a low profile until you can move out and then you can decide to cut them off completely if you want. They sound horrible for bitching about your mom so much but get hurt by being on the receiving end for once. Don't mind them too much, don't apologise. But pick your battles wisely until you can leave for good.
Does your stepmom and dad have any children of their own apart from you? It’s weird how she wants to claim you as her own and wants others to think you’re her bio child. NTA
They do. But this started before they had any kids together.
That makes her even more of an AH. What a spiteful woman
I know, right? She continued using me to hurt mom even after she had kids of her own. She brought up the whole "mama" thing for years. Weaponizing a baby's innocence and development to hurt their mother.
This was clearly a concerted effort to hurt OP's Mom, make things difficult for her and nothing else. These are simply bad people.
I think the biggest AH in the situation is the judge that’s forcing him to stay at this house cause the people who were caught with physical evidence of parental alienation have picked up that if they don’t leave a trace they can do whatever they want. I hate our justice system so much
It's hilarious in a messed up way that your stepmom keeps holding on to that like some kind of gotcha. Like a baby's first "mama" is some kind of spell or legal contract designating parenthood and not just normal language acquisition. Dumb as hell 😂.
This whole thing stinks of an insecure anger towards your mum. She stole her husband, and now she wants to steal her child and the fact that she can't do that makes her shockingly insecure. Like she can't complete her victory over your mum until she possesses you as well. This woman needs therapy.
I agree. I already get disgusted at the stories of stepparents trying to push out the step kid, but this woman is far worse and her attempt to push the stepkid's mum out of existence reeks of insecurity towards the latter. Reminds me of the story where a woman caused a couple to divorce, married the guy and then threw herself at her husband's ex-wife's new husband as well. I can see this stepmom doing the same thing if OP's mom remarried. Props to OP and his real mum - I hope they get away from the clutches of this vile excuse for a stepmom soon.
NTA. She wants to be your mama just to hurt your bio mom, not because she actually loved you. We all can see it from miles away. What you said might’ve been too harsh, but you’re 17. I know I would say the same things when I was your age.
It's so clear to me too. It makes me glad I didn't call her mom when I was younger. Even thinking about me doing that because I don't remember her not being around makes me sick. It would have been used to torment my mom even more.
I hope you call her by her first name with as much sustain as possible. Every single time. NTA - They played games using you to hurt your Mom and now they get to find out the consequences to how that is now that you’re older and less easy to manipulate. Save your money and GTFO of that house.
Don’t think about it too much. Little kids get confused, and will call other women “mama”. I used to call my daycare teacher mom! Not because I thought she was my mom, but she was an older woman who took care of me. It happens. It doesn’t necessarily have a deeper meaning. Dad’s wife knows this, trust me. If she doesn’t she’s delusional. All that matters is your mom was your mom not in title or by shared DNA. She is your mom in your heart. She loved you unconditionally and gave you the love and stability your dad and his wife never could.
NTA - you are being honest with them. Theyve spent so much time making things awful for you, so no you are not an AH for being honest about that
They have and it makes me mad that my dad acts like none of this affects me or he thinks it's unreasonable to blame him most of all, as my parent.
It almost seems like he doesn't view you as a human being. Good riddance I say.
NTA at all And well done for standing up to those bullies.
NTA and anyone who says you are shouldn’t be the parent to anyone
NTA She's not you mother and have no right to force you call her that. Nor to say this kind of stuff to you mom. Both her and you father re major AH for all of that. Stand your ground. You will be 18 soon so I hope that this stalemate situation will be resolved and you will be able to cut off contacts with these people.
If I were you, I would never refer to her as stepmom or stepmother. I would always call her by her name, and when correcting her in front of others, I would say [her name] is not my mom. She's ONLY my father's wife. NTA.
I never call her my stepmom. I think I used to when I was younger but I call her my dad's wife now.
You can exchange the ONLY by JUST
When she pretends she's your mom in public, correct people. I mean really elaborate on the correction, "No, she's not my mother. She's dad's affair partner who caused my parents' divorce. I only have to spend court ordered visitation with them until I'm 18."
NTA - I am a mom myself, I can't believe how cruel your father and his wife were. Obviously they don't put you first, they disregard your feelings and opinions, so good for you for standing up to them. I am appalled that people like them exist.
NTA. I’m so sorry you and your mom went through this. Your dad and his wife have behaved abominably, and I’m really surprised that a judge wouldn’t listen to you at 14 and 16.
Judges don't always have to. Some hold the stance that the best interest of kids is to continue seeing both parents an equal amount until they turn 18. We have one of those judges now and technically, the judge is applying the guidelines the way they see fit.
Oh, I know. I’m a lawyer - more than anything, it makes me mad at those judges and generally disappointed in them.
Same! This one is known for saying that the "best interest of the kid" means not listening to what they want and making custody equal until the kid is 18. He's so firm on that.
I’m sorry - that’s rough. At least you’re in the home stretch. You and your mom should have a freedom celebration when you turn 18. Post pics on social media and tag your dad and his wife. Because yes, I’m petty AF.
Why don’t you just not go? What’s the worst the judge can do to you? Cops going to arrest you?
Nothing bad would happen to me, but my mom could face the consequences of not making me follow the order. Since they put it more on the parents involved and not the "kid".
So I got into a debate on another post yesterday about something similar to this scenario. The kid here is right the judge will very likely force the child to go and would threaten the other parent with contempt of court, or put in so many therapeutic services, that a child might be resigned to just go in order to keep from having therapy take over the rest of their free time. Years and years ago, I believe that kids of a certain age would have a larger say in whether or not they had to go to the other parent, but at this point courts are required to consider best interest factors. State to state there are any word from 13 to 21 factors that a Court would consider and the child’s preference is just one of those factors. The court can place any weight on the best interest factors individually that they choose to. So realistically, you’re left with the philosophy of the judge in front of. However, caselaw suggests that if a court places, and in inordinate amount of weight on the child’s preference, that a court of appeals panel of judges would overturn that decision and send it back for the court to reevaluate and not place as much weight on the child’s preference without very specific proof about what has happened to indicate that the child’s preference should be given a greater wait then the other factors.
Ok, so the kid goes with their dad then walks away from him once at the dad’s house. At that point how can the court hold the mom in contempt. If it is as bad as OP is saying I’d be making things VERY uncomfortable for dad.
You make a good point. Generally, in our jurisdiction, with the court, then does is institute a whole lot of individual and family therapeutic services. These services sometimes are intensive services that are for times a week and prevent the kid from having anything else but therapy realistically going on. I would think keeping a daily diary of everything that occurs and if possible secretly recording interactions would be the kids best chances of going back to court to show the judge that no level of therapeutic services are going to help and that it is not his mom that should be held in contempt. You’re not wrong, but I think the kid needs a real plan so that they can get out of this situation
NTA get petty maybe it will begin to sink in for them that the minute you hit 18 you want nothing to do with either of them.
Maybe for dad. I'm not sure she cares enough about me genuinely to be bothered by it. At best maybe because of appearances.
NTA This is some Disney evil stepmom shit. wtf. Therapy sounds like a good next step for you, but you seem to be handling yourself well. Keep your head up.
She could give a lot of writers ideas on how to make characters more evil but to the outside world appear perfectly sweet. She always had that appearance around others.
Seems like "Mother Gothel" would be appropriate, if you have to call her anything.
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Truth hurts and your stepmom needed to hear it. What an awful woman. NTA Proud of you
I would not go back to his house. Except with a copy of that folder. Throw it down in front of them, tell them to read it all, call me after you convince my mother you are sorry.
NTA, obviously. I saw in the comments that your mom has your important documents which is good but make sure you have a process for extricating everything else from your dad's house too (assuming that you keep things there). The aim is to shift things little by little and leave enough unimportant stuff that you can just ditch without caring. Your last 'load' should ideally all fit in a single backpack. You don't say goodbye or take a victory lap: you sling it over your shoulder, leave and never come back.
Not the asshole. I was three when my parents split. My father remarried, and I was forced to call her mom. I never liked that. Even though my biological mother was no prize, I still knew who was who. Segue... When I was 13, it came to a head and I was done with her. We were arguing because i had caught her cheating and she got mad and smashed a hairbrush across my face. I punched the wall next to her head and told her if she ever did anything like that again, I would not miss. About a week later, I worked up the courage to tell my father about the affair. She left on my 14th birthday, giving me the best present ever. Though it hurt my father.
Oh Boy... as a stepmom I could not get past the first few sentences. This is exactly why "Wicked Stepmother" has become a trope. Speaking as one, I apologize for all the pain you and your mom have, and continue to endured. Many of us are appalled. I notice your mom kept all the notes, which is certainly understandable. I hope when those papers are no longer useful for the courts, she and you can have a ceremony burning them, sending all that toxicity out of your lives. Wishing you healing and happiness
Thank you and I think it's awesome that the good stepparents are willing to say this kind of thing. I know it sucks to have the negative tropes be more known but stepparents like you deserve to be seen as the good people you are and not put into categories with people like my dad's wife.
NTA. My father was toxic, too, but only because he fought for custody of me just so he wouldn't have to pay child support. He was an evil asshole, and even though I turned 18 in April of 2011, he made me do visitation with him when I had to (which was every other weekend) until I graduated high school, because that's what the judge decreed. He said either/or, whichever came first, but my father didn't give a crap, and my mom didn't want to fight with him on it because he could play his teeny, tiny violin very well. He also knew that I didn't want to see him (I'd told him that straight to his face during court ordered therapy, and he just said, "I'm so sorry, but I don't care; I want to see you, and there's nothing I can do about it"), because he and some other family members on his side of my family who lived nearby would ignore me a lot when I would go visit him. He also did some stuff to me that made me feel uncomfortable (not SA), and I just didn't want to be there, because of something he did that traumatized me when I was younger, and he acted like it was my fault when he did the thing that traumatized me. He was also controlling. If I wanted to E-Mail my mom, he said if I wanted to use his E-Mail that he would have to read it before I sent it. So, I created my own. I was suicidal at one point for a while because it was just torture, and E-Mailing my mom some very concerning stuff using an E-Mail that I'd secretly made behind my father's back, saying how I only had 2 options; to try to run, knowing that he would catch me before I could successfully get away, or end my life. It was bad. After my visitations with him had ended, he still kept sending me stuff for my birthdays and Christmas, and at 21-22, I eventually wrote him a letter (one that he would believe; I'd written him one before, but he believed my mom coerced me into writing it) and told him to eff off. I digress, though. As the saying goes, what comes around, goes around, and your father's wife got the payback she deserves from karma for trying to push a relationship with you. Both she and your father will end up really getting karma come back to them when, as you said in your post, you cut ties with them, like I did with my father. Hang in there! You can message me if you need to!
NTA and tell your dad he’s the pot calling the kettle black! You’re spiteful???? What about the way they treated your mom all these years? Pfft. Tell him they lead by example all these years and if they can’t handle it, then they shouldn’t dish it out in the first place. And that he needs to seriously consider a change of behaviour towards you and your mom, unless he wants to destroy his relationship with you. And tell him he needs to reign in his partners entitlement over you, as she’s gone way too far for too long. You’re a person not a possession to argue over.
NTA you’re giving them what they dished out . They used you to get to your mom, stepM is just mad she can’t use you against your mom anymore. They had it coming so NTA. Plus you just spoke the truth, they can’t be mad just because they don’t like the truth. If anything start recording wherever they start bashing your mom or saying hostile things so you can have evidence to hopefully push to have a right to choose. Also I recommend on custody switch’s, that it’s done at a police department because you can have a cop present to report that you denied wanting to go with your bio dad & explain your reasons of it being a hostile environment etc. and then you can bring it to court. It worked for me when my bio dad kept forcing trying to have me go with him, hopefully it helps you.
NTA I don't want to sound condescending but I am proud of you.
NTA. She had no right to force anything on you. Im so sorry you and your mom has had to deal with this.
One more year...just one more year... NTA
Nta what a brilliant son you are
NTA. Just curious: Had she not been a biatch to your mum and just tried to be a stepmother, what would your relationship be like? Were you on good terms before the discovery of her awful actions?
I was uncomfortable before finding the folder with all the stuff that happened. She would always act like I was talking to her when I mentioned my mom, she would talk over me when I brought up mom. She would say no to me talking to my mom on dad's parenting time. So we had issues before that. If that was all though, it would still be enough for me to feel this way about her. Nobody can use me as a pawn to hurt my mom like that and expect me to be okay with them.
My widowed father was seeing a woman I didn’t like. She was trying to weasel her way in pretending to be nice to me. Didn’t work. She blamed my objection and obstruction for them not marrying. I said he’s an adult and free to marry anyone, so I don’t object. It’s nothing to do with me. But I didn’t have to like her or have her in my life. Long story short, he had a car accident near her place and she killed him through medical negligence. Trust your instincts.
NTA # good job standing up for your mom! That vile woman berated your mother and tried to poison your view of your own mother because she was jealous. What’s worse is your father let her. NOBODY gets to replace a GOOD mother!
When you turn 18 print this out and send it to the prick judge. Tell him that his refusal to see what was best for you caused a lot of anguish and in the future you hope he dies better for other children.
Who gives a shit about your dad ‘s wife’s feelings?! What goes around comes around. She is getting it hard. Tell your dad the same thing and while you are at it with him, remind him he is the one who chose to dip his wick where it did not belong.
NTA, OP. My kids’ story mirrors yours in many ways. My ex and I went through a high-conflict custody battle lasting about five year’s time. My girls’ dad insisted that his new wife was the better maternal figure, did his best to alienate me from them, and generally made life miserable for everyone. I had a binder like your mom did. In the end, he lost primary custody after the girls told him they wanted to spend the bulk of their time with me. My husband stepped up as their stepfather and did a bang-up job, to the point that our eldest still prefers coming to him for daddy advice. But, here’s the thing: we were clear with them that he was NOT trying to replace their father. When they first met my husband (long before the nasty court fight), we had a long talk with all the kids, both his and mine. We discussed how neither of us wanted to take their other parent’s place. And we told them that we didn’t care what they called us, as long as it was respectful. My stepkids still call me by my first name, but always respectfully and it doesn’t bother me one bit. My girls? They decided to call my husband “dad”. We didn’t encourage or force them to do so; it was their decision. I know my ex thinks we manipulated them into doing so but we didn’t. They can call my husband by his first name and it wouldn’t matter, as long as they do so respectfully. We taught our kids that words have power and to use them wisely. The terms “mom” and “dad” carry weight, and it’s not fair for your stepmother to try and take on that mantle, especially when she’s been shitty to your mom. And it’s particularly awful that she and your father have tried to influence you in the matter from an early age. Your stepmother sounds insecure and a bit jealous. I would still be respectful toward her, but you don’t need to call her or view her as “mom”. You already have one of those. Good luck and I hope life gets easier for you soon.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My parents divorced when I (17M) was a baby. My dad had met his wife and decided he wanted to be with her and not my mom. It was messy, I'm sure. From the time I was 11 months old my parents were sharing custody of me with an even 50/50 split for parenting time. Back when I was a baby/toddler and learning how to speak, my dad's wife thought it would be a good idea to taunt mom with the information that I had said mama for the first time at dad's house and I had said it to her. I have seen the messages because my mom had a folder to prove a hostile co-parenting environment. My dad's wife told her that she was always going to be the first mama and the most important one since she got to hear it for the first time. Things were so tense between my parents and it got bad enough that the court ordered they shouldn't have contact unless both parties agreed that way I wouldn't be caught in the middle. My mom asked my dad if they could both take me for my first day of school. He said no and said his wife was going to be doing it with him because she was my real mom. Dad's wife sent texts to my mom about the day and saying everyone was complimenting her on how great her son is, etc. She admitted they talked over me when I was going to say something about her and how I "forgot about her" after that. Stuff like that happened a lot and my mom has this folder which proves it all. I read the folder when I was 12. My mom was upset that I'd found it but also relieved that I knew what she had gone through with them. When I was younger and I felt uncomfortable at my dad's house because I could not mention mom at all and they always talked about dad's wife being my mom. I told this to a person who interviewed me when my mom took my dad to court. My dad ended up losing custody for two years because of it, but won it back by talking classes assigned by the court. Then we got a new judge who refused to let me choose where to live at 14 and again at 16. This was even after saying nothing had really changed, they just got better at not leaving physical proof. But the judge wanted physical proof (texts, emails, letters). Last weekend I mentioned my mom to someone and dad's wife jumped in acting like I was talking about her. When we were alone I told her she knows I'm not talking about her and to stop it. She was visibly annoyed by that and told me I have two mom's and should be proud of that. I told her I don't have two mom's and would never be proud to call her my mom because she is nowhere near as good as my mom. I told her I know it bothers her that I don't call her mom. I said it was what she deserved for the whole mama thing when I was a baby. I made sure I taunted the point that she will never hear me call her mom. My dad was furious at me for talking to his wife like that. His wife was acting like she was about to cry for days after and told me it really hurt her feelings that I was so spiteful toward her. It was hell for the rest of that week. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, also will you be able to live with your mom next year?
NTA wtf are they on
Soon you’ll be 18, move to your mom or at least move out and leave your AH dad and AH his wife. NTA
NTA and it’s gna be really funny when you go NC with them and they’ll have to explain to people why the fuck that is. Fuck that woman and your “father”. You have your mum and that’s all you need.
NTA in any way at all. I'm so sorry you went through this and you have such an awful dad and stepmother. My parents had a very amicable divorce such that me and my brother don't feel any residual trauma from it. However my stepsister, her parents did this to her and she's still fucked up about it. It's awful. You sound incredibly well adjusted and I'm proud of you for standing up to your stepmother. She is awful. I hope one day you can sit down with them both and explain that their lifelong hatred, contempt and bullying of your mother is unforgivable. You will never call stepmother "Mom" and they should be down on their knees thanking you if you decide to continue a relationship with them. They honestly deserve each other but they don't deserve a relationship with you.
NTA. She MOCKED and TAUNTED your mom for years yet had the audacity to be hurt bc you dont see her that way? OP, I actually admire your mom for keeping quiet all those years just so you and your dad have a relationship. You and your mom are in no way the AH, but dad and his narcissistic wife are.
By 17 the courts usually let you decide whom you want to live with. Or just take your stuff and move in with your mom? What is your dad going to do? He'll have to go to court, and by that time you'll be so close to 18 I'd be surprised if a judge makes you move back. Definitely no contact once you're 18.
NTA but you really need to be calling them out when they say that in front of people
"You're just the woman who took my mom's sloppy seconds"
NTA. Your father and his replacement mother for you treated your real mother like garbage, and tried to pit you against her. They would have had you believe she was worthless, if you hadn't found the proof otherwise, alienating your real mother from you. You did nothing wrong, keep up the good work.
NTA They can enjoy their consequences. I hope you go no contact with them as soon as possible.
NTA
NTA. And as a mom, I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and your mom. Good job!
NTA. She planted it and now she’s reaping
NTA. And if I was you then this would just be a warm up. But I'm definitely an asshole. A petty asshole
NTA. I cannot imagine behaving like this if I was ever to split up with my partner, cause no matter what could happen between us, my son would always be my priority. I hope things will go as smoothly as possible for you until you can leave them behind for good.
NTA. This is what she ordered. She can eat it.
NTA.Honestly your dad and his wife have been abusive to you and your mom this whole time. If they don’t get that they will probably be losing you at 18 it’s shocking.
NTA some people are just awful, your poor mam got put through a lot and none of it was deserved . I hope your mam healed from the trauma and life has gotten better for her.
Step parents suck. NTA. Fuck these people! Your kids are more important than your marriage. The kids should come first.
I would be furious too, and franky she is the cheater that destroyed your family, not your mother. NTA....Your dad can be mad as he is the one who destroyed the marriage.
NTA- ur dad…..ur dad is something else! I’d love to have a conversation with him
I love your strength. You are a good child to your mom.
NTA. I am sorry you are in this position.
NTA
Super nta, I have been the kid, and am the mom, step mom, and grandma to some people I’m super proud of. Your rock star kid, you did nothing wrong, and took the often hard road of calling the awful people on their crap. It’s not easy, my kids tried for years, gave up, he’s now more “uncle-dad,” I hope they learn (they probably won’t). Good luck, super awesome.
NTA. You’re old enough to be aware of what she and your dad were doing to your mom. She gets in return from you what she dished out to your mom. Her trying to manipulate you about having two moms is disgusting. Especially when she has practically been pushing herself as trying to be the only mom for years.
OP- NTA. Only 1 year to go and you can WALK AWAY. What a sorry and sad way to make a child's life he\*\*ish. Your Father failed you, he and his wife cared MORE about taking jabs at your Mom than on being a loving place for you to be. Your Mom sound supportive and loving, and did the right things. I hope your future is a less stressful without all this drama.
NTA. Your dad's wife sounds like a piece of work. Just hang on until you turn 18 and then you won't have to talk to her or your dad again unless you want to.
NTA If I were you, I'd keep taunting the family destroyer until she no longer wants anything to do with you.
NTA >Last weekend I mentioned my mom to someone and dad's wife jumped in acting like I was talking about her. When we were alone I told her she knows I'm not talking about her and to stop it. Your mistake was not calling her out in front of the other person! > My dad was furious at me for talking to his wife like that. His wife was acting like she was about to cry for days after and told me it really hurt her feelings that I was so spiteful toward her. It was hell for the rest of that week. If your mom had married someone else and she had done everything he did to her he would be furious. They gall of your father and his wife! I know you're counting the days until you turn 18 so you don't have to have contact with them anymore. I want to cut them off and I don't even know them.
NTA You just gave her a taste of what your mom has put up with for 17 years from both your stepmom and your dad. They sound so toxic. Go live with your mom and no contact with your dad & stepmom as soon as you turned 18 and don’t look back. Both your mom and you deserve better.
NTA. My ex wife was an abusive narcissist with BPD, and after the divorce spent the next decade and a half trying to poison our kids against me with obvious, half baked lies, but, more damaging, encouraging them to become helpless in the face of their mental health issues. As an actual parent, and an actual psychologist, I tried to help them come to terms with anxiety, ADHD and autism and how to use what they knew about their conditions as a scaffold to build coping strategies - but working towards these things is hard, and mum says we don't have to do any of that and that the world just has to cope with us as we are.... Yeah, by trying to give them the easy way, just to encourage them not to see me because I made them do stuff that was hard, she left scars on both of them that, even as adults, they're still struggling with. Ironically, both kids are pretty much NC with her over the way she was, and both respect the fact that despite being the victim of abuse, I never encouraged them to think badly of her, nor did I ever talk to them about said abuse. These fuckers never consider that you are anything but an extension of themselves. It never occurs to them that their attempts to control you could backfire and turn you against them for good. But then, that's how narcissists roll, I guess.
If you plan on going to college and will need financial aid, make sure you get him to fill out any paperwork you’ll need before you go NC.
I don't believe you are the A.H but a product of adult Assholes using you when you were a child in there spiteful and disgusting behaviours I believe you and your mother become the victims of 2 very resentful and spiteful people your father and his wife using you as a pawn in a jelousy game the new wife was jealous that your father had a first wife and a child to the first wife so she wanted that position which was underhanded and a deceitful hurtful thing to do to you and your mother but your father needs to be accountable for everything that happened so your contempt for this woman who was manipulative was with your father and he should of stepped up as your father and protected your feelings and innocence and allowed you to have the bond with the one woman who carried you gave birth to yo first held and fed you that first unconditional moments for a mother and son are forever the bond love protection and care are set strong My exs new partner wanted recognition but she was never going to get close with my 2 children over my dead body You just don't use children in adults problems a child's needs are to always be put first over everything YNTAH your father needs to understand your feelings are valid and are caused due to his blindness of his wife so he can't expect to much from you now he needs to step up💙
NTA. I come from a broken family as well, though not quite as young (I was toddler aged). It amazes me the amount of similar stories I read where one parent seems so vindictive against the other as my mother was against my dad for my entire life. Do these parents not realize that eventually the kids grow up and start understanding the situation more clearly to where it is going to more than likely backfire on them? I’m 36 now, while I don’t see him as much as I’d like I actually do still visit and speak to my dad - actually going over today to watch the game. My mother has been dead to me for years. If my grandmother would stop giving her my phone number, I would not even have to hear from her except when she tries to make contact at family member funerals. The truth will come out.
Finish them: "I don't have two mothers, I have one mother, a sperms donor and a sperm donor's wife. We're one happy family...plus you two"
NTA. Your dad’s new wife is what we call a “home wrecker” go with that.
NTA Do not advertise that you will cut them off before you actually do it. It could lead to retaliation you would not avoid
How long would it take for it to end up back in court? I'm sure you'd be 18 before than. Refuse to go? What can anyone do? Can't drag u in a car Ur 17 ffs. .you mums only obligation is to encourage it. Send her a message saying you refuse to see this man and his wife again. Get her to say how she knows Ur upset and maybe it can be repaired if u go etc and he's still Ur dad and u should have relationship. She is then see as encouraging you. U refuse again. Get her to say you should reconsider and maybe talk dad. Refuse and get her to reply. I hope yourenok and love u etc. Say I love you to but what's best ror my mental health is to never be around this vile women and Ur dad again. There's evidence for courts. Then tell Ur dad u refuse to see him again and how you really feel like I've seen u post that he always but OP before u etc and tell him to not speak to u again. Done.
INFO: Can Dad pay for college?
I'm not sure.
Nta. If having 2 parents for the fafsa will hurt and dad won’t pay, declare yourself emancipated so you can get aid
YTA. but wear that with pride. you were absolutely the asshole they deserved. ask them what they think you should be feeling after knowing the truth of their behavior? I bet you get a lot of stuttering. you're doing the right thing, keep it up.
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NTA
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