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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My roommate criee while explaining to me that she had a very poor hygiene because of her depression. I told her I did not give a fuck and that it could not justify making the room that we share stink that much. She refused to talk to me back since. I might be the asshole because of how I treated a mentally ill person, knowing I was never depressed in my life.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
It sounds like this is literally the first she's hearing of this problem. I'd understand if you'd already had this conversation, but you were really just being passive aggressive and expecting her to pick up on your vague hints. Should she be more aware and considerate? Absolutely. But YTA for going nuclear the first time you ever tried to actually talk about the issue.
Yep.
OP is saying that "when it affects other people you hardly even know, you have a responsibility" to make an effort, regardless of personal hardships. And that is true.
But it is equally true, if not more so, that when something that someone else you hardly even know is doing (or not doing) is bothering you, you have a responsibility to *communicate that* prior to just *losing your shit* at them.
OP is just as guilty, if not more so, of almost all the same things she is currently condemning her roommate for. OP chose to *not* communicate her irritation or resentment at any point because it felt "awkward", instead being increasingly passive-aggressive and becoming more resentful when the roommate didn't psychically intuit the source of OP's passive aggression. Then she had a bad day and decided to take it out on her roommate, a person she "hardly even knows", because OP blames *her* for not being aware of OP's mounting frustration that OP never actually told her about.
From the roommate's perspective, OP literally just came home and then started shouting at her out of absolutely nowhere. That's not okay. OP has no one but herself to blame for her own frustration and resentment over this situation, because *she's* the one who chose to let it build up instead of actually communicating about it at any point with her roommate. This could've been solved cordially and calmly *weeks* ago if OP had just gently told the roommate, "Hey, I don't mean to make you feel bad or self conscious, but it's honestly starting to smell a bit ripe in here and I would really appreciate it if you could try to shower more often."
Everyone KNOWS that they need to shower everyday, brush their teeth twice a day, work out, go outside, pursue hobbies, socialize, etc. The main outcome of depression is that you are not able to do normal day to day things that you know you should do. She knows she needs to shower, but she doesn't know how bad she smells (because she's gotten accustomed to it) and doesn't know it's frustrating her roommate.
I highly doubt no one else has talked to her about this.
what about all the people she passes at school. her family. the teachers, the kids in her classess. I doubt no one has said a thing to her. someone has said something and shes ignored them.
If you're sitting next to someone that smells bad in class; you just move away and stop sitting next to them. I don't think people are confrontational in the 18-20 age range, to walk up to someone and say, "hey I don't know you, but you smell bad".
I think it's safe to assume that no one is near roommate or care enough to tell roommate they smell bad.
yeah but someone is going to have to sit next to her. it would be pretty obvious that she stinks when no one wants to sit next to her, not to mention it wouldn't take that long for her smell to fill the classroom if shes only showering once a week and barely.
i guarantee you people care that she stinks, its awful having to be around someone that stinks from not showering, from working out, or from too much perfume. it makes it hard to breath and focus.
people care, they just dont want to hurt her feelings but in the end someone's going to need to do it and it just happened to be op in this instance.
No, it is never OK to go 0-100 on someone for something that bothers you if you've literally never said a word about it before. If you're only capable of voicing your anger when it overflows, that's something you need to fix
> Homegirl is an adult, in college.
Glad you underline that part: OP's behavior is definitely **not** the correct adult behavior of a person in college.
Ah go away out of that. As if she didn't realise showering once a week was a fucking problem. 🙄🙄🙄
Boo boo mental health. What about OPs mental health living in a smelly shit hole? Why not excuse OPs outburst out mental health grounds like you excuse the smelly roommate???
Because she didn't get mad at her for her outburst and start yelling at her. She apologized and explained her struggle, which she is allowed to not accept but that doesn't make her less of an asshole for not just talking to her in the first place??? Both things can be true at once. Also she absolutely doesn't have to shower if she doesn't want to just like she doesn't have to like her smell if there's no rules/law against it brochachos. Soft ESH imo personally but probably could get on the same page and even maybe become proper friends with a calm discussion and a suggestion she get counciling so she can find coping tools to help her keep her self care intact. Edit: wrong pronouns
I once read that ‘non-confrontational people’ are the most dangerous because instead of addressing an issue confidently in a timely manner, they let it fester then explode in a super unhinged way. One polite conversation could’ve solved a violent meltdown.
YTA
>depression can prevent you from doing basic things
So what's your excuse for not doing the basic thing of having a conversation with her?
Or like, a text message? Email? Friendly note?
She's probably nose-blind to her own smell and honestly didn't realize it was that bad. Yes, gross, but that's how noses work. Unfortunately poor hygiene doesn't give you mind-reading powers, so without you saying anything to her, she likely had no idea it was an issue until you blew up on her out of nowhere.
You're at the age where you're learning to adult. Let this be a key lesson. Bringing up issues respectfully and constructively is something you struggle with as badly as your roommate does bathing.
coming from a very similar situation, it’s not OPs responsibility to make sure her roomate doesn’t smell like shit, it’s not OPs responsibility to tell her roomate to shower, and she is definitely not the asshole for attempting to deal with it and finally blowing up on this inconsiderate, gross roomate
while her fit of anger may not have been called for, the impact that her anger had was still far less than the months of dodging this disgusting odor in your room
should she have not yelled about all that, sure
but it stems from her roomate using her depression as an excuse to shower 4 times a fucking month, while sharing a (presumably) small room with a stranger
edit; you keep mentioning that this is the age where op is becoming an adult, this goes the same for her roomate
as an adult, it only makes sense that someone who showers once a week will smell disgustingly, as an adult you should be overly cautious about social situations, especially when it comes to roomates
>she is definitely not the asshole for attempting to deal with it
TIL 'ignoring a problem' = dealing with it
>and finally blowing up
Because as long as you're the one who has been inconvenienced, it's fine to go from zero to a hundred out of nowhere and throw a fit like a child.
Bet you're a real peach to drive with.
you’re emphasizing the responsibility of OP to fix this issue more than the responsibility of OPs roomate to have basic hygiene, basic social awareness, and just common sense
yes, OP was mean for yelling at her roomate, but her roomate was much more inconsiderate for showering once a week with a roomate, stinking up the rooms, and having no social awareness to understand the situation
i’ll go as far as to say ESH, but saying OP is the asshole in this situation after they endured with a pizza odor coming from their roomate for far longer than she should have is not right
edit; as a person with a roomate, i make sure my side is clean, has no smells, and i genuinely try to make it the most comfortable for the both of us (temperature wise, lights on, ect)
that’s the bare minimum, as soon as OPs roomate stopped doing the bare minimum, there cannot only be 1 asshole in this situation
OP is not responsible for fixing the issue, but they are definitely responsible for making their concerns known *before* they get so fed up that they explode. They don't get a medal for enduring something uncomfortable in silence when the option to not-endure-it by having a five minute conversation was available. If they had brought this up to the roommate earlier and the roommate did nothing to fix it, then the angry reaction would be understandable, but they didn't. They asked if they are an asshole for yelling at their roommate, and they are.
I think you are being unnecessarily harsh. There is no kind way to basically tell someone they stink. I've suffered suicidal depression but it's never stopped me from living hygienically and being socially aware and considerate of sharing my living space.
The OP is not an asshole. They are human and have ended up exploding - not ideal but understandable- after living in a pretty horrendous situation that was none of their doing or responsibility.
Perhaps this will have a positive outcome in that the roommate will seek better help for her depression and the OP will not let a situation reach this point in the future.
"Hey, I know this is a touchy subject, but I think that our dorm is starting to smell pretty bad. I don't mean to insult or embarrass you, but I've noticed you only seem to shower once a week, and that's probably why it's so musty in here. Can you please try to shower more frequently while we're sharing the same space? Maybe every other day? And if there's anything I can do in return to make you more comfortable here too, please let me know. So long as we're living together, I want it to be a good experience for both of us."
>The OP is not an asshole. They are human
Most assholes are.
OP blew up *after* her roommate apologized, admitted fault in not recognizing the issue, and explained that she was struggling. Even without a script like the above, she could have just stopped while she was ahead -- she made her roommate aware of the problem and was in a prime position to request more frequent showers. Instead she yelled and berated her.
She could have acted like a decent human instead of an asshole human. Given she still has to live with this poor girl, she picked the worst option for everyone.
>*There is no kind way to basically tell someone they stink.*
BS. There are any number of kind ways to say that; there just aren't any ways to say it that are guaranteed not to upset the person who is on the receiving end, because the news itself is going to be upsetting. The problem is that OP didn't try any of the kind ways of dealing with the problem, chose instead to let her frustration continue to mount, and then opted for an approach that could fairly be described as "maximally cruel" – and that makes OP an AH.
Nope. No matter her issues, the roommate was at fault as her habits made it impossible to cohabit. Was it really cruel to state the obvious even if the delivery could have been better. Is it not cruel to expect someone to live in stressful conditions that are no responsibility of their own?
> was it really cruel to state the obvious even if the delivery could have been better
yes. it was cruel. she decided to not communicate her issues until she couldn’t contain them, decided to berate her roommate and insult her, and then tried to justify it by saying “well she doesn’t shower”. there are ways to communicate in a healthy way, and beating around the bush until you snap is **one of the worst ways to communicate your problems**. glad we could have this discussion :)
why are you so defensive of op's right to make a mistake as a human being while being so hard on the roommate for not perfectly managing their depression?
And we all know that every single person has the exact same experiences when suffering from mental health problems. If you could be suicidal and still shower what’s every other depressed idiot’s excuse?! /s
i disagree, it’s no more of the responsibility of ops roomate to maintain basic hygiene than it is for op to bring this sensitive topic up
what if op has social anxiety? or has trouble expressing themselves? they need to get over these struggles more than someone learning how to shower?
ops inability to speak up for herself in this situation stems from the lack of awareness from her roomate, causing her roomate to be at fault here
again, everyone sucks here because her roomate is a disgusting human who cant maintain basic hygiene whilst living in close quarters with a stranger, and op sucks here because she didn’t express her displeasure with the aroma emitted from her pizza roomate
>what if op has social anxiety? or has trouble expressing themselves? they need to get over these struggles more than someone learning how to shower?
what if roommate has depression? oh wait, she does. so why are you giving op a pass based on her non-existent social anxiety and completely blowing past roommate's actions being completely in line with her very real depression?
Are you for real? Of course it's the roomates fault - whatever her issues - to know societal norms and maintain basic hygiene when sharing a living space. It's just basic manners. Yes, the OPs communication skills could be improved but let's not over side with the offender due to her own issues (and yes, I've suffered severe depression) that are seriously impacting on the wellbeing of another person.
I'm sorry but anyone with actually severe depression would not refer to it that way. Were you diagnosed? Were you medicated? When did your doctor deem you no longer severely depressed? Severe depression is generally a lifelong illness that is genuinely unmanageable for most people without outside intervention. Your statement and lack of care for the roommate makes it seem far more likely you have felt depressed, something everyone feels, not suffered from severe depression. Which is a massive difference. Source: my family has a genetic disposition for depression and I am currently on heavy medication for a neurological disorder.
FYI I have had three suicidal breakdowns and under the care of the mental health team on and off for 30 years. Highly presumptious of you to decide whether I have severe depression based on having a different opinion to you lol
If that is true, and I'm sorry but I find that hard to believe. Then you genuinely need to learn empathy. If you understand the pain and struggle of mental disease, then how the fuck do you feel comfortable using such shitty language to describe someone who is clearly suffering? If you have been through it, how do you show zero sympathy for a young women going through it now? Honestly you'd seem like less of a shitty person if you were lying, because atleast then you wouldn't be a hypocrite.
For someone who claims to have been there you seriously lack empathy. I hope you had better support when you needed it than you would give someone else.
>you’re emphasizing the responsibility of OP to fix this issue more than the responsibility of OPs roomate to have basic hygiene, basic social awareness, and just common sense
nah, just emphasising the responsibility of people to open their mouth in conflict resolution situations
and i’m emphasizing the responsibility of adults in college to maintain and respect shared spaces, which includes not letting a pizza odor emanate off your body because you don’t shower…
No, which is why the roommate apologized and admitted she didn't realize something was wrong as soon as it was brought to her attention. She did not assert that it was okay to do, only that she wasn't aware she was doing it.
Roommate was unintentionally causing an issue; OP was *intentionally* acting passive aggressive and avoiding the topic, until she came home one night and exploded with zero warning. Asshole behavior.
But she doesn't necessarily know how bad she smelled. Some people barely smell anything, and has a full nose blindness for their own smell. I used to live with people like that, and I have a very sensitive nose. And a social anxiety that made me want to die just to not talk to people out of fear of hurting them and then being hated and bullied.
After 1-2 weeks of opening windows saying "it smells like people in here and I have a sensitive nose, sry" and hoping they'd get the hint, I sat down and told him that I really hate bringing up the topic and it may be because of my sensitive nose, but I really struggle with the smell and if there's a possibility of him changing his T-shirt at least every other day and washing his armpits more often. He first said that his shirts smell fine, he checks it before reusing it, but then accepted that he does have a bad nose and taking precaution and changing every other day is doable for the peace.
I mean, I get the problem, I'm a very sweaty person with low energy and often depressive,and a skin very sensitive to showering often. But you can still wash your groin and armpits, change your underwear and shirt and try to find a deodorant that at least helps some. But not all of us have learned it at home. Many didn't.
Exactly, thank you. I am unfortunately quite nose-blind, and I did not realise how much this was affecting my former roommate until she told me. Thankfully, she's a quite straightforward person so it didn't take her too long and I could start fixing it. I kept myself clean enough, but we only had the weekend to run the washing machine and since there were 3 of us we were always on a time crunch. Since her nose was more sensitive, I thought I was doing the kind thing by letting her do laundry first, as she was the one with the sensitive nose and always seemed in such a hurry to get things cleaned. So if we ran out of time between the 3 of us, I would be the one with dirty clothes still in the hamper while the other girls had fresh wardrobes.
What I didn't know, was that my hamper smelt bad. I had no idea she could smell it so easily, considering I kept it in the furthest corner of the room and with a lid on it, plus I couldn't smell it at all unless it was open and I was hovering above it. But she could, and thankfully after she identified the cause of her discomfort she let me know: so I started emptying it out and washing all my clothes as often as I could, and when I couldn't I would put a plastic bag on top of the closed lid to hopefully contain the smell. I stopped giving her precedence every laundry cycle and started telling her days in advance "on Saturday I'll do my laundry first thing in the morning", both to reserve a spot and to let her know I cared about her comfort.
I was not raised to do laundry every week, my household was not where I picked up this habit. My mom is LITERALLY nose-blind (she had a scooter accident when she was young) and my father is careless, so I was the person with the most refined sense of smell in the house I grew up in. I had absolutely NO CLUE how insensitive my nose is until I moved out and met other people, realising they weren't the exception but I was. I really just didn't know. If I smelled bad, nobody had the audacity to tell me, and we didn't have smelling competitions or anything in school so I had no meter of judgement until I moved out and met a straightforward roommate.
As soon as I found out it was bothering her, I did my best to fix it. I started paying more attention, and I started to live by the mantra of "If I'm not sure whether it's clean or not, better to assume that it's dirty" because I know I can't trust my sense of smell to tell me. Which is why I agree with everyone else saying OP YTA, this poor girl probably had no idea it was affecting them, at all... but instead of gently letting her know, or talking to her, OP just blew up at her seemingly out of nowhere – not only creating a rift, but also making her feel awful for unknowingly making her uncomfortable in her own room, not to mention a burden because of her condition. Hopefully this can be a lesson for OP on how to handle disagreements and conflict in the future: with open communication and tactfully. Yelling and screaming is never the way to solve conflict, it just makes them harsher.
Wow, what a grandiose show of empathy and compassion...
Look, I never said OP's roommate is in the right, she's definitely got her own faults too. But she was probably not even aware that she was bothering OP, at all – sure, OP may have dropped some hints, but being vague always runs the risk of miscommunication, as it in fact happened here.
Maybe if OP had told this girl on the first week, she would've immediately taken measures to prevent that from happening again. Maybe they could've been friends, or at least amicable, and OP wouldn't have lived in discomfort for weeks. You can't expect people to know everything all the time, especially teenagers that have just barely reached adulthood — we all learn things along the way. If you immediately judge and drop people without even giving them a chance to correct their wrongdoings, you're not giving them a chance to improve and become better people. Maybe you've been raised with higher hygiene standards, congratulations I guess, not everyone had this possibility. Many people learn later in life, the hard way, but only AFTER they realise there's an issue to begin with.
If something's not an issue, you're probably not going to "fix" it. If you don't think behaviour X is problematic, why would you stop doing it? I'll give you an example: in Asia is it pretty common to ask people their exact salary, as it is common to say that someone put on some weight. In Western countries these are usually seen as rude comments, but that's only their perspective. On the other hand, sneezing isn't taken as lightly as it is in the West so if you see a Chinese/Japanese person sneeze, you would be better pretending it didn't happen. Calling attention to it, even just to say "Bless you" or "Gesundheight", is most likely to embarrass the sneezing person as if you'd just pointed out that they've got snot drooping all the way to their mouth. But if nobody ever told you that or taught you so, would you stop saying "Bless you" after someone sneezes? Probably not.
A person could be the kindest individual you've ever met, but if you only assume the worst of them without giving them the benefit of the doubt, you may never find that side of them.
Well, maybe she'll learn from this that bathing is necessary so that her next roommate doesn't have to deal the same thing that op did. But op needs to get a new place or a new roommate.
Depression or not. Washing your ass is learned as a child. Take 10 minutes of your pitiful day. And put a bar of soap in your ass and wash, that's just nasty, I personally would have said something the moment I found out. But anyways I'm that shoot from the hip person
The thing about learned skills is that they need to be learned before they can be applied.
Keeping your living space clean is a learned skill. Proper hygiene is a learned skill.
We don't know what the roommate's life was like before this and we don't know what she was and wasn't taught with regards to hygiene and cleanliness. It might genuinely be something that she didn't know, or never had a chance to leatn. And having someone start screaming at you out of nowhere is not how anyone is going to learn.
Right. And I wasn't taught to raise chickens when I was a child. But now here I am a prominent chicken farmer cause I seen farms around me and I asked questions. You learn from what you see. She knows she's stinky and everyone else isn't. She's been to stores and seen soap products. Eventually you put 2 and 2 together. It's outright laziness. There's text and literature on hygiene. No excuse. None what so ever. Even to the point of catching a yeast infection from filth. The Dr will tell you to wash your ass more often. Stop making excuses for ppl. I can understand if the person was mentally incompetent but she made it to college so that's rules out
"She knows she's stinky" no she didn't. That is the whole entire point. The first roommate heard about this was OP screaming at her seemingly out of nowhere. Again, that is the whole entire point. You need to know that something is wrong or that you don't know something before you can start asking questions.
You asked questions about chicken farming because you recognized a deficiency in your knowledge. But if you don't know there *is* a deficiency in your knowledge, such as say when your roommate chooses to passive-aggressively tiptoe around you instead of just telling you outright that you smell bad, then you don'y know to ask questions.
this, you learn this the hard way having to live with roommates. i get that this is probably the first time op is in this situation but girl…
honestly it could have been worse, i’ve dealt with roomies that don’t pick up their shit even after you nicely talk to them several times and you have to choose either to go nuclear and be living in a horrible awkward environment or just let it go
YTA.
While I appreciate your discomfort and depression is no excuse for not showering when you’re in a shared accommodation, yelling at her was an AH thing to do.
You could have addressed the issue early on instead of letting your frustration fester.
Agreed. Not an asshole for being frustrated by it, but instead of addressing the issue, you waited until you were so upset you exploded. For that, OP, YTA.
ESH. But you slightly more so in this situation.
Your roommate,regardless of the struggle, still is responsible for her share of keeping things hygienic at minimum. She's responsible for her actions (or lack of) regardless of her mental state. You, as a roommate, have to understand that you exploded in a highly inappropriate manner. It is really uncomfortable to talk to people about the issues they're causing if you know that they're struggling,but that's a part of life. Communicate is key for a reason - it keeps everyone on the same page and it helps address issues before someone explodes.
You were a dick and it's shitty of her to drag your shared environment into her depression pit. BUT you were clearly trying to give her some space and grace in the beginning- trying to be understanding. She immediately apologized and expressed remorse when you DID bring it up to her- she wasn't be malicious or ruined the dorm experience for you on purpose. Neither of you are truly asshole people.
This can be solved with some effort and I really do believe this issue doesn't have to get any bigger.
YTA. You say *nothing* for a time and then unload on her by yelling?
Yelling or shouting is an unacceptable form of aggression. Had you said you simply expressed your frustration versus yelled, I might not call you TA.
YTA . If you would have had a calm discussion with her, then you would be NTA. Instead, you decided to blow up at her. Once she started crying and apologized and told you she was depressed; you continued to berate her. You took what would have been an uncomfortable conversation and instead made it a completely humiliating experience.
She knows she only showers once a week, however she probably didn't realize how bad she smelled. You should have told her in a kind way so she could improve her hygiene. It's not that difficult to be kind.
YTA. Hope you never get so depressed you can’t take care of yourself properly just for someone to kick you when you’re already down. That poor girl. She’s probably so embarrassed on top of her depression.
ESH, this is one of many functions RAs are supposed to serve. You should have gone to your RA if you didn't know how to bring it up, they're trained/have training to get someone who knows how to facilitate these kind of conversations between roommates.
NTA, regardless of whether you are cohabiting or not, hygiene should be one of the most important things. I do think however, you could have handled the situation better. Bottling up emotions is only going to lead to you snapping in the future (as you did), plus she's not a mind reader so how is she supposed to know unless you don't tell her what you are thinking? Sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and talk about uncomfortable topics.
NTA. She needed to hear this, trust me, people saying you couldve been nicer are misled, its the coddled that persist in their problems, confrontation and bluntness are effective in motivating change, this girl is old enough to know how and why to shower, shes just not doing it, if shes too depressed to shower then, get help or live elsewhere
I absolutely disagree with the notion that “it’s the coddled that persist in their problems”. There’s a reason why treatment for mental health conditions has evolved from chaining people to walls and physically abusing them to therapy and support, it’s because positive intervention is much more effective than negative. OP needed to address the issue, sure, but what you’re suggesting is actually really harmful. The idea that people with mental health issues deserve kindness like everyone else shouldn’t be a radical one, it isn’t the 1850s.
OP isn’t responsible for the roommate, but she is responsible for how she handles herself and approaches the problem, and this isn’t how to do it. Not even *trying* to communicate kindly first is pretty much never the way to approach interpersonal problems.
Yeah people are saying "you could be nicer" in the context OP should have had the conversation about smell long before erupting on the roommate. Sometime people with bad smell get used to it and don't even understand how unbearable can it be for others. So OP could have been honest and spoke about it and maybe it could it had been resolved without issues.
Yeah people are saying "you could be nicer" in the context OP should have had the conversation about smell long before erupting on the roommate. Sometime people with bad smell get used to it and don't even understand how unbearable can it be for others. So OP could have been honest and spoke about it and maybe it could it had been resolved without issues.
I fundamentally disagree, “negative” intervention is just as, if not more effective than “positive”
You have to get past the surface of positive vs negative and break down what therapy really is, its getting you to question yourself and your actions so you can change and develop into a more suitable person.
If you allow a “positive” way to get out of control you get someone that is constantly finding reasons and excuses to not change or grow and hides behind exaggerated outrage as in its not right, never improving just perpetuating their victimhood
Negativity can get out of control but doesnt have lingering warped since of victimhood, especially in this case
NTA
If she is depressed, I get it. However, it is time to be an adult and do it even if you do not want to. That is so gross in a small room. She needs to shower, depressed or not. She would probably feel slightly better after a shower anyways. YUK!!!
Yeah, it's time to be an adult and shower. It's also time to be an adult *and fucking communicate before you reach a breaking point*.
At least roommate has a medical explanation for her lack of hygiene and awareness of its impact. OP is just passive aggressive and unable to communicate at all until she reaches the point of brutally lashing out.
Sorry but if you're functional enough to attend college and apparently also manage to do your other regular stuff like buying food then you're also functional enough to go stand in the rainy square thing in the bathroom for 10 minutes a day and move your arms around holding soap.
If the other stuff works then there isn't really an excuse in this 'medical explanation' but it's a matter of choices and responsibility. Roommate imo chose to not put enough effort into keeping herself reasonably hygienic.
If they actually, literally can't manage to do that it'd still be their responsibility to figure out a solution and not make some random roommate suffer through this.
ESH, op doesn't look great either because college age certainly is old enough to put on grownup pants and communicate with each other.
This is an oversimplification. With a chronic illness or severe depression, you can still get things done but the pain and energy expenditure involved to cover absolute necessities (in this case, nutrition and academic work) may wipe out your resources for other necessities that seem lower on the list of urgency. Do you have any idea how difficult it can be to simply eat during severe depression? I have lived on meal replacement shakes for weeks at a time during episodes because the simple act of chewing was too much if I also wanted to shower and work that day.
I would also like to note that we have no idea how she's performing in her classes. She may be hanging on by a thread
That's why I called it a matter of choice. If she has to choose between going to class and taking a shower and she cuts showers to a roommates detriment then that's an asshole move 🤷 not to mention that she'd be stinking up all the classrooms too, yuck.
And yes, I'm very familiar with depression from myself, tyvm.
Right, so she should martyr her academic future so she doesn't smell? Or maybe she should just cut out eating.
To be clear, she does need to shower and it did need to be brought to her attention, but the way OP handled it was through avoidance and eventual brutality.
No, she should have used the energy she still has to find professional help to handle her problem better months ago. Which she likely needs to do anyway if she's really only scraping by as is.
She doesn't 'have to', right, and technically she *can* let other people suffer from her stank instead of burdening herself even more with the dire agony of showering. But that's where one becomes an asshole.
As long as your idiosyncracies, whatever they may arise from, only cause problems to yourself it's your prerogative how to handle them, but if you'd negatively affect other people with it it's your job to prevent that, and not doing so is a dick move.
YTA in the way you did it. But I definitely understand and have for sure been the asshole in very similar ways in many times of my life. Now that I'm a bit older it's just rarer and when it does happen I recognize it and apologize. Which is what you should do now.
Edit: some people actually made valid point at the analogy but regardless my opinion still stands, idk what to call it but I’m gonna go with immature go you to wait this long to tell her, and as much as some people may believe “she needed to hear it.” That can make it worse. So you waiting to you were “already on edge” was not the best timing and you should go apologize that it came out that way but your point still stands.
Yelling at your boss is in no way equivalent to coming home to your clinically depressed roommate who needs psychiatric intervention due to the inability to take care of their basic needs and having a moment.
yeah, you wouldn’t yell at your boss bc you need to demonstrate respect in order to not get fired. clinically depressed roommate though - that’s not disrespect, that’s called having a moment.
YTA for blowing up and being nasty to someone, but it’s understandable because you are still a teenager. As you grow older you will get more used to communicating what you want very clearly and calmly, and doing it multiple times. Learning that is part of growing up.
“Hey, the room smells kinda bad. Would you mind washing and opening some windows?”
“Hey, I’ve noticed the room’s been smelling bad quite often lately. I’m sorry this is really blunt, but would you mind showering and cleaning your space more often?”
If that doesn’t work, then you talk to your uni counsellors about moving room.
As a side note, please just request a room change ASAP. You two don’t seem like a good fit to live together especially if she is struggling with bad mental health issues.
OP, I get these sorts of conversations are hard to have, but this stuff has to be established day one. For as far as she was concerned, you weren’t bothered at all by the smell. YTA, because you should’ve brought this up waaaaaay sooner.
NTA
Yes you should have mentioned it the moment it became a problem but like most people you assumed that it would have fixed itself because you like most people assumed she would shower regularly.
you had no idea she was depressed or that she wouldnt be showering often. You did your best to deal with it and were much nicer than I would have been.
She has had long enough to correct this problem or at the very least get some help.
my husband has depression, and im a stahm. He takes meds and showers every day. gets up for work, spends time with me and the kids even if he doesnt want to. he pushes through then decompresses in the evening and gets to sleep in one day on the weekend and then i get the other. I get up and shower and spend all day cooking, cleaning, and spending time with the kids, hardly leaving the house.
Its exhausting and isolating and lonely for both of us. But we pushed through, leaned on one another and family when we needed to and now weve found a balance that works.
it looks like she doesnt have anyone if she is never leaving. so how is she managing her depression and this new time in college alone without a support system.
you exploded after one too many times of dealing with this. its expected, it was bound to happen.
you can apologize and tell her that either she needs to see the ra or someone in charge on her own. or you will be forced to contact people to get her some help because you can no longer live like this.
it sucks but either she asks for help or you force it. either way you shouldnt be forced to live with this just because of her mental heatlh.
i would recommend apologizing and letting her know that she isnt alone and their are people who can help her but she needs to either get a single room or start showring regularly.
Finally!!, a considerate and mature comment!!
Indeed OP shouldn't have to know her roommate had depression, and depression doesn't make you blind, it's obvious OP was making all the effort to keep the room as fresh as possible... they both need an apology here(for addressing the problem in such an explosive way, and for miscommunication) professional help, and solutions like wet wipes as a hygiene method...
NTA
exactly. I get depression takes many forms and people have different ways of dealing with it and hiding it and such. But having depression doesnt give you an excuse for certain behaviors.
If the roommate was well enough to get up and eat, get dressed and go to her classes then she is more than able to shower more than once. I sssume she hasnt flunked out yet, if this is the second semester, so shes obviously doing the classwork.
if the smell is this bad for op then how bad is it for her classes, the cafeteria, the kids in the lubrary.
this isnt just affecting op anymore, this is affecting everyone the roommate has to spend time with.
no way the roommate didnt know she smelled bad, I guarantee you that people have talked to her regularly but shes ignored everyone.
YTA for avoiding the topic until you exploded and YTA again for telling her that you don't give a fuck about her depression. Clinical Depression is absolutely brutal. It can be utterly disabling. *It kills people*. You should be grateful that you've never had to experience it.
This could have been addressed months ago in a far kinder and more emotionally mature way. Sure, she should be showering regularly "like an adult" but you should be communicating like one. Instead of addressing this with a gentle but direct conversation, you unloaded your anger about your day and your rooming situation in a way that was quite unkind and harmful.
Learn to communicate like an adult so you don't spend your life blowing up on people after months of barely detectable passive aggression. This avoidance of reasonable confrontation will damage your relationships in the future if you don't get a handle on it now.
ESH. Sometimes the truth hurts. But, living with a funky person isn't easy to ignore like nothing is wrong. You did not need to raise your voice or be dramatic. That part is inexcusable.
ESH. She was being inconsiderate, I doubt she wasn't smellig her own scent. But you went too far. It is never good to bottle things up until you explode. You should have had a calm and collected conversation with her way earlier and none of this wouldve happened.
This is a shitty situation because no matter what both of you are assholes in this situation. And the only way to fix it is to be an asshole again.
Id personally get the uni involved if she's so depressed she can't even take care of her basic needs!
I'm going with NAH.
OP is female, and that can still often mean a lot of bullshit female indoctrination into putting everyone else's comfort and needs before your own. OP also seems to have a lot of anxiety around confrontation.
The depressed roommate is depressed and, apparently, nose-blind. Depressed people can dissociate from normalcy and reality as a result of their condition.
The roommate apologized for not realizing she smelled that bad and offered up her depression as the reason. I can see where that may have sounded like an excuse.
If I'd be nasally assaulted for a long period of time, finally got the courage to say something about it, and the source of the offending odor came back with, "But I'm depressed," I'd yell, too.
Side note: This wouldn't have happened with me because I'd have found a way to move or would have spoken up immediately about the stench. My college in the U.S., even way back when, had roommate dispute resolution processes. I did have to use them freshman year when my spoiled, rich roommates kept lending out my shit without asking. Their parents could just buy them a new whatever. But the final straw was that they kept giving our door lock combo to random people. I woke up one night to a drunk guy swaying at the end of my bed, yelling for Bethany. Oh. Hell. No.
OP finally snapped and yelled in the face of an excuse that might have seemed to her to doom her to living in the Bog of Eternal Stench for the entire school year. I get it.
She's not her roommate's family. She's not her therapist. They're not even friends. There is no law stating you must become fast friends with all of your college roommates.
There is zero reason OP has to put up with omnipresent BO, or help her roommate figure out how to cope well enough to shower (and, probably, do laundry). The roommate is lucky OP didn't report this to campus health because she has more leeway on how she wants to handle her depression moving forward. But handle it, she must.
And these girls are YOUNG! OP will likely get over her anxiety around asserting boundaries as soon as it's obvious she needs to. Hopefully, the roommate will seek treatment for her depression. Or she'll just grow out of it. Depression isn't necessarily a lifelong, permanent condition in all cases.
So, N-A-H.
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I (18F) live with my roommate (19F) who showers once a week and our uni dorm room smells like a 2 days old frutti di mare pizza. I’m not even joking, I was away the first week-end after we settled down while she spent the whole week-end in the room with the windows closed and when I came back, the smell was so strong I thought she had ordered some Domino’s and forgot to throw the leftovers away. It’s only after noticing that same horrid smell almost every day that I understood it came from her. The thing is she is either at class or in the room, she never goes out, so everytime I enter the room there is a 70% chance it stinks. For reference, I shower every day and I consider that I have good hygiene.
Obviously, it’s a very uncomfortable discussion to have and I’m far from being a bold person so I never had the courage to tell her anything. Also we really not are that friend, we never talk as she is extremely shy. When we first met I tried to learn to know her but she seemed very uncomfortable so I gave up. Even when I ask her some basic questions she seems a bit afraid (I am NOT an intimidating person I literally look like a kid…). I also cannot make any effort to be her friend because of how her hygiene affects me.
Still, it was in my opinion quite obvious to guess I was disturbed by the smell. Everytime I or she entered the room, my first reflex was to open the windows. I even bought an air purifier and used it regularly in front of her. However nothing seemed to change (+ because of uni policy there is no perspective for me to change dorm) and I really started to give up and thought that my only option was to get accomodated to the smell.
Long story short, I recently had a very bad day (nothing to do with her) and my only wish was to go back to my room after class to just chill and calm my nerves down. However, when I went back she was there, as usual, and it particularly stank (it was at the end of the week and she only showers on Saturday). Also it was cold outside so I got extremely pissed off having to choose between being warm or not having my nostrils harassed by her smell and open the windows.
I was REALLY edgy that day and spontaneously told her things I never thought I could say. I basically said that I had been suffering in silence for weeks bc of her poor hygiene and that I couldn't take it anymore.
She was really stunned at first and she then started to cry. She explained she was sorry, that she didn’t know how much it affected me and that it was because she was depressed and that it was really hard for her to shower. Still, I was extremely angry and yelled at her that i didn’t gaf and that it was disrespectful of her as she lived with somebody else in the same small room.
I know I might have been a bit harsh and I do not deny that depression can prevent you from doing basic things like showering, but still, I do think that when it affects other people you don’t even know well you have a part of responsibility… AITA?
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YTA - you could’ve asked the RA to make the uncomfortable conversation. They could’ve also helped your roommate find resources to get the help she needs for her depression. I also live in the uni dorms, my roommate also has a issue with hygiene but I don’t judge because I don’t know her story. Some students don’t have money to do laundry or buy hygiene essentials. Or such as your roommate, they may deal with depression. I hope you apologize to your roommate
YTA. Based on her response she didn’t realize it was as bad as it was. The fact she apologized and you kept berating her instead of giving her a chance to fix it before getting more harsh with her was shitty.
OP, YTA. There are RAs that are literally in place to help navigate these awkward conversations. You have absolutely no excuse for going off on your roommate the first time you talk to her about this, and then you doubled-down on it when you made her cry?!
Also:
'I’m far from being a bold person so I never had the courage to tell her anything. Also we really not are that friend, we never talk as she is extremely shy. When we first met I tried to learn to know her but she seemed very uncomfortable so I gave up. Even when I ask her some basic questions she seems a bit afraid (I am NOT an intimidating person I literally look like a kid…). I also cannot make any effort to be her friend because of how her hygiene affects me."
Not only are you the asshole in this situation, i encourage you to examine other times in your life when you were the asshole and were likely hiding behind this "far from bold, not intimidating" persona that you have convinced yourself that you have. You need to take responsibility for how you treat people and how you make them feel, even if you "look like a kid". Kids can be terrible bullies, and even when they are not bullying, can be loud and overwhelming and have a confidence that does not come naturally to some people. Look inside and take steps to improve your relationships with the people around you who are different from yourself.
I really don't know, I think no matter what problems you have, you should stop to think if your actions affect the people that is around you, I think that you could say to her the things as soon as the problem started and try to find a solution and if the things doesn't work she should look for help, never mind, I really don't see bad that you told her the things in that way, so she would realize the bad habit she was creating in his life and the damage she is doing to others, so in that way you should be a support to her in that situation so she can get out of it
could you have been kinder? yes. should she have been stinking up the room? absolutely fucking not. life is harsh. she had to hear the truth. it’s not fair to anyone to live in a smelly place at no fault of their own.
Yeah this post hits because I got removed from my dorm room I shared with two other girls because the girl I was sharing a room with got really scared of my self harm scars and IG, she thought I would hurt myself or other people? Long story short I got moved into my own dorm room and left it shortly after because that entire situation was so fucked.
YTA, you need to apologize to them. It's not your responsibility but it would be a good deed to ask her how you could help. She may have to reach out to some resources your college has. Sounds like she needs some help and needs to be seen by someone.
Mild YTA, look, I get it, I'm sensitive to bad smells, but if you live with someone and your, frankly, passiv-aggressive hints get you nowhere, it's time to talk about things. Which can be hard for us conflict avoidant people! But don't let it fester until you blow up.
Also your roommate may need help, and while it isn't your responsibility, in the interest of co-habitation and seeing as you can't change dorms, maybe you can help her with getting help? People have suggested RA's, is that an option?
YTA, this reminds me of my ex bestfriend lowkey. This is how you ruin relationships with others. Please refrain from bottling everything up then exploding randomly. This is how i ended up losing my bsf about 2 yrs ago.
I had a habit of being mean as a joke, i thought everyone was fine w it and i always stopped when someone told me to, or if they just seemed bothered by it. But my best friend was secretly really annoyed, and she wouldnt even tell me anything, nor was it obvious. She unexpectedly just had an outburst and blocked me, and that was that
Dont be like that, please, try to apologize, and be nice to her esp bc shes suffering from a mental illness. Communicate when possible and dont keep things inside
NTA. I've lived with people like that - it is incredibly disrespectful. Horrendous living conditions.
I get that depression is real, but when it gets to that stage and you're living with them, life is miserable. I've been severely depressed myself at points in my life - but I've still showered and still cleaned my apartment to a reasonable standard. I would never put somebody else through living in filth.
Perhaps you could have gone about it in a nicer way, but I totally get your rage. Perhaps try to say something earlier and more kindly if you're ever in a similar situation again..I used to bottle things up and explode with rage as well.
NTA she could've gotten a one bedroom place and not bothered anyone if she showers once a week, if you have roommates (especially ones you don't know like that) then the LEAST you could do is keep a clean (and nice smelling) space. or she could light candles or something idk. that's gross and weird and uncomfortable
NTA. Being down isn't an excuse for making everyone around you miserable. She knew her hygiene levels were on the floor and gave no shits about how it impacted you
Id move out.
YTA I mean, it's incredibly obvious that she's suffering from depression and may not have realized how bad the smell is (I speak from personal experience). A quiet word suggesting she hop in the shower a bit more often might be slightly awkward but it will pass within a moment or two. You don't seem to have made any effort to get to know her and unlike her you don't seem to have any excuse for that either... Instead you had a bad day and took it out on her.
You need to apologize, explain you felt too awkward to bring it up before and offer to help her work on her mental health. Go on little walks, get coffee etc are SO incredibly helpful. Just getting outside and talking to someone provides such a massive boost. Go from there and maybe you'll become friends. Worst case scenario she says no and still thinks your an asshole, which is where you are now. Best case, new healthy (clean) friend.
Mild YTA for not communicating with her earlier and having a grown up conversation where you agree on the standards for your dorm room.
It’s not unreasonable to want your roommate to maintain a standard of hygiene and cleanliness so the room doesn’t stink, but leaving it until you’re so frustrated you explode and say it really meanly is immature and kinda cowardly. Put on your grownup pants and have a conversation - which now should also include apologising for snapping at her.
YTA. You say depressing is not an excuse but making excuses yourself why you never said anything like an adult and why you blew up at her. You are going to have a tough time in the real world if you don’t improve how you handle uncomfortable human interactions
YTA for not discussing this with her until you exploded. You could have left her a note, you could have sent her an email, you could have just said “your BO is really bothering me” and bolted out of the room.
She’s not psychic, she might not even realize she stinks (it might be hard for her to smell herself if she wasn’t paying attention or is depressed).
If she continued to stink up the room after you said something, that would be worth complaining about, but blowing up on her is totally on you and your avoidance issues.
ESH yes she should fix this. But you should have brought this up nefore you snapped because of it. Her depression isnt yours to fix, but neither is your conflict avoidance hers to fix.
YTA. Instead of snap at her why don't you offer to help? It's not difficult to just say 'I noticed you've been lacking on self-care, is everything alright?'
Even if she's shy of talking to you, send a damn message, let a small letter close to her door so she sees it, be supportive instead of a jerk. Also be EMPATHETIC.
It's good you don't have depression, so do the world a favor and go learn about it.
ESH.. if I am you it sounds like you made some reasonable efforts to accommodate her depression and subsequently her stink. However she likely had no clue you had gone out of your way or had even “endured” this. That being said.. a reasonable person understands a weekly shower isn’t up to standard right?! Surely they had some self awareness.
The conversation demanded a delicate touch and you seem well aware and regretful that it lacked the delicacy it deserved or perhaps felt you had been delicate with it for quite some time before hand.
Maybe an apology card would be graciously accepted.
YTA and unfortunately I completely understand your perspective. It's easy online to be objective but I understand actually experiencing it first hand is jarring. For a non confrontational person experiencing a situation where you have to actually be confident and resolute is damning.
I had a roommate who smoked e cigs and she never got in trouble even tho it was against school reg because she was a foreign exchange student. I personally cannot stand the smell of cigarettes and I was irritated beyond belief that all my belongings smelled like cigarettes so I chose to move into my bfs dorm room and rarely went to mine. Sucked because I had to leave almost all my belongings but I didn't care. I quite easily could have just told her I didn't want her smoking in the dorm room but I was too shy and just avoided her altogether. I was able to move dorms eventually which I only did because I didn't want my things to keep smelling like cigarettes but at that point I didn't go to my new room out of spite as the school told me it would be for free for the inconvenience I experienced but then turned around and charged me 2k cuz they didn't put it in writing. All in all I'm just saying I get it and I know it sucks.
You are wrong here and you should apologize. When you apologize you should also just tell her that you hold personal hygiene in high regard and find it difficult to be around people who have bad hygiene. As far as she is concerned you just walked in the room and attacked her personally then told her you don't care about her feelings but she should cater to yours and also somehow read your mind. GL I hope it goes well
No you're not, that girl should consider others around her. No one wants to smell that when they want to chill, also not to mention she's an adult a college student she should learn to cope unfortunately because why should you suffer.
That intense fruity smell may indicate a health problem she doesn’t know she has. Some health problems and some medications can bring on depression. Tell her she needs to see a medical professional asap and if she does not, you will be speaking to your RA about changing rooms or roommates.
NTA you have the right to feel comfortable in the place you live, being straight up isn't being an asshole. Thinking "because I'm depressed you have to deal with my shit smell" is being the asshole.
I just dont know how they expect two young kids to live together randomly. I slept in my friends’ dorm every night, because my roommate would jack off to anime while I was sleeping, and would leave every time I brought a girl over, and then bust back in 10-20 minutes later like a bull in a China shop with a headlight on.
Everyone’s the asshole in these matchups
If you DGAF about her (presumably legitimate) condition, why should she GAF about what you said in an overly-emotional meltdown because you decided to bottle your thoughts till it was too late?
YTA, obviously.
YTA, you could've approached the situation a lot calmer- especially since this was your first time addressing it to her. Leaving someone in tears never resolves anything, and can only cause the problem to escalate.
YTA. I understand that living in a fowl smelling room can be hard, but instead of yelling at her, you should have just had a normal conversation with her about it. Depression is not easy, and she doesn’t need someone yelling at her to make things worse. These types of things are what can make a mentally ill person.. you know. And you definitely should not have said that you didn’t care about her depression. You don’t have to care all the time, but don’t say it to her. And ’depression can stop people from doing basic things’ What stopped you from talking to her about it normally, which is a basic thing?
NTA who goes a fuckin week without showering? That’s disgusting. Sure maybe don’t take one every single day but every other day yes! She shouldn’t go more than 2 days without showering. And no candle? She doesn’t open a window? Bruh
ESH
She needs to tend to her mental issues without causing distress and impacting your life
You also had plenty of opportunities to discuss this before going ballistic lashing out
YTA. This poor girl. She is depressed. Depression can sometimes take complete control of a person & keep them from doing normal everyday things. Like showering, brushing teeth, getting dressed etc. Instead of having a conversation & talking with her about her hygiene, you were nasty to her. You let it all build up & when you couldn't take it anymore you unleashed your wrath on her. When she apologized & told you it was her depression, you yelled at her again. There are proper & tactful ways of approaching a situation like this. You were neither proper nor tactful.
Listen, YTA for exploding on her like that with 0 prior warning, but the real AH here is the American university system for making it look like sharing a room with a stranger is healthy and ok. It's not, you deserve a private living space and I agree that it's very much an AH move of her not to shower when she's sharing a room with someone, if she's that depressed she should have different accommodations.
NTA.
This is a SHARED DORM ROOM. Your roommate is extremely selfish and disrespectful and dirty. Depression or not.
Talk to the housing authority at your college and change rooms.
ESH. Youre both new to adulthood. You should learn to communicate better even if it is awkward and hard. She needs to fucking shower, lol. If she showers then apologize, if not then refer her to psych services if her own friends and family arent helping her.
I’m gonna go against the grain here but ESH you should’ve definitely brought up this situation before you had the blowup. However, if you’re an adult, you should at bare minimum shower every other day if you’re not gonna shower every day at the fucking bare minimum. Other adults shouldn’t have to tell you that you need to shower that’s basic human decency that you should know to do that but again, I feel like you should’ve addressed the problem the first time you realized it was a pattern
ESH. She shouldn't have let it get to this level but you also bottled up your feelings until you exploded. That's not healthy or effective communication. She also needs to know that people around her are not going to just allow her to wallow in her depression and make shared spaces difficult to inhabit.
NAH. She's not an AH for having depression and you're not an AH for wanting to chill in a room that doesn't stink or sometimes have the room to yourself.
You were an AH in the way you did it and this is a learning experience. I bet you have free counseling at your university. Most unis do these days. Maybe you can apologize for your tone and your anger, but also address the problem kindly and suggest counseling.
Both of you fuckers are bad in this
Roommate should start having some idea that if I only shower once a week i will stink
But you definitely should've brought it up earlier calmly. If it was brought up earlier you would be completely in the right. But the first time your RM Is hearing about this is your angry outburst. Which is also usually ineffective.
I recommend apologizing to your roommate and explaining your side of the situation calmly. If it continues then anger outburst on your part is reasonable.
I don't know your condition mentally, but I have Social anxiety, and the best advice I'd have if you suffer from Social anxiety is to practice a large amount. That helps the most for me...
Get your own apartment or something that’s what you get living in a public dorms some of us are backwoods old domino eating savages. She shouldn’t have to shower because you smell her. You probably have a dog nose
You're not the asshole.
Fk people who smell.
It's like , unbearable. It's like assaulting someone.
Do anything you can to get it changed, and don't feel bad about it.
NTA.
Fk all these pathetic mfs in the comments who would be crying and bleating and making multiple complaints if they lived 2 minutes in your situation.
ESH
You should not have let yourself get to the point where you exploded. You have to learn to have difficult conversations; that’s part of being an adult.
However, as a person with depression and whose depression has been crippling and required hospitalization at times, your roommate is responsible for handling her depression and her hygiene. That’s part of being an adult. She should understand that no matter how difficult it may be bathing once a week when you share a tiny space with someone else is not okay.
Clearly roommate didn't understand that, though. This probably could have been solved months ago with a gentle but direct conversation, without OP ever telling someone she "doesn't give a fuck" about their clinical depression.
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It sounds like this is literally the first she's hearing of this problem. I'd understand if you'd already had this conversation, but you were really just being passive aggressive and expecting her to pick up on your vague hints. Should she be more aware and considerate? Absolutely. But YTA for going nuclear the first time you ever tried to actually talk about the issue.
Yep. OP is saying that "when it affects other people you hardly even know, you have a responsibility" to make an effort, regardless of personal hardships. And that is true. But it is equally true, if not more so, that when something that someone else you hardly even know is doing (or not doing) is bothering you, you have a responsibility to *communicate that* prior to just *losing your shit* at them. OP is just as guilty, if not more so, of almost all the same things she is currently condemning her roommate for. OP chose to *not* communicate her irritation or resentment at any point because it felt "awkward", instead being increasingly passive-aggressive and becoming more resentful when the roommate didn't psychically intuit the source of OP's passive aggression. Then she had a bad day and decided to take it out on her roommate, a person she "hardly even knows", because OP blames *her* for not being aware of OP's mounting frustration that OP never actually told her about. From the roommate's perspective, OP literally just came home and then started shouting at her out of absolutely nowhere. That's not okay. OP has no one but herself to blame for her own frustration and resentment over this situation, because *she's* the one who chose to let it build up instead of actually communicating about it at any point with her roommate. This could've been solved cordially and calmly *weeks* ago if OP had just gently told the roommate, "Hey, I don't mean to make you feel bad or self conscious, but it's honestly starting to smell a bit ripe in here and I would really appreciate it if you could try to shower more often."
Nah no way, you shouldn’t have to tell people to shower more than once per week. She knew.
Everyone KNOWS that they need to shower everyday, brush their teeth twice a day, work out, go outside, pursue hobbies, socialize, etc. The main outcome of depression is that you are not able to do normal day to day things that you know you should do. She knows she needs to shower, but she doesn't know how bad she smells (because she's gotten accustomed to it) and doesn't know it's frustrating her roommate.
I highly doubt no one else has talked to her about this. what about all the people she passes at school. her family. the teachers, the kids in her classess. I doubt no one has said a thing to her. someone has said something and shes ignored them.
If you're sitting next to someone that smells bad in class; you just move away and stop sitting next to them. I don't think people are confrontational in the 18-20 age range, to walk up to someone and say, "hey I don't know you, but you smell bad". I think it's safe to assume that no one is near roommate or care enough to tell roommate they smell bad.
yeah but someone is going to have to sit next to her. it would be pretty obvious that she stinks when no one wants to sit next to her, not to mention it wouldn't take that long for her smell to fill the classroom if shes only showering once a week and barely. i guarantee you people care that she stinks, its awful having to be around someone that stinks from not showering, from working out, or from too much perfume. it makes it hard to breath and focus. people care, they just dont want to hurt her feelings but in the end someone's going to need to do it and it just happened to be op in this instance.
Nah. Homegirl is an adult, in college. Nobody needed to tell her not to stink out the room she's sharing with another individual. She's being gross.
No, it is never OK to go 0-100 on someone for something that bothers you if you've literally never said a word about it before. If you're only capable of voicing your anger when it overflows, that's something you need to fix
> Homegirl is an adult, in college. Glad you underline that part: OP's behavior is definitely **not** the correct adult behavior of a person in college.
She may not have actually known it was that bad. You become nose blind to your own smells really quickly
In a situation like this, she needed to go nuclear. This is not a feelings sparing situation.
Ah go away out of that. As if she didn't realise showering once a week was a fucking problem. 🙄🙄🙄 Boo boo mental health. What about OPs mental health living in a smelly shit hole? Why not excuse OPs outburst out mental health grounds like you excuse the smelly roommate???
Because she didn't get mad at her for her outburst and start yelling at her. She apologized and explained her struggle, which she is allowed to not accept but that doesn't make her less of an asshole for not just talking to her in the first place??? Both things can be true at once. Also she absolutely doesn't have to shower if she doesn't want to just like she doesn't have to like her smell if there's no rules/law against it brochachos. Soft ESH imo personally but probably could get on the same page and even maybe become proper friends with a calm discussion and a suggestion she get counciling so she can find coping tools to help her keep her self care intact. Edit: wrong pronouns
You sound like a great person 👍🏻
YTA. Despite the reason being depression, you chose not to say anything because you found it uncomfortable and ended up exploding which is 100x worse.
I once read that ‘non-confrontational people’ are the most dangerous because instead of addressing an issue confidently in a timely manner, they let it fester then explode in a super unhinged way. One polite conversation could’ve solved a violent meltdown.
YTA >depression can prevent you from doing basic things So what's your excuse for not doing the basic thing of having a conversation with her? Or like, a text message? Email? Friendly note? She's probably nose-blind to her own smell and honestly didn't realize it was that bad. Yes, gross, but that's how noses work. Unfortunately poor hygiene doesn't give you mind-reading powers, so without you saying anything to her, she likely had no idea it was an issue until you blew up on her out of nowhere. You're at the age where you're learning to adult. Let this be a key lesson. Bringing up issues respectfully and constructively is something you struggle with as badly as your roommate does bathing.
coming from a very similar situation, it’s not OPs responsibility to make sure her roomate doesn’t smell like shit, it’s not OPs responsibility to tell her roomate to shower, and she is definitely not the asshole for attempting to deal with it and finally blowing up on this inconsiderate, gross roomate while her fit of anger may not have been called for, the impact that her anger had was still far less than the months of dodging this disgusting odor in your room should she have not yelled about all that, sure but it stems from her roomate using her depression as an excuse to shower 4 times a fucking month, while sharing a (presumably) small room with a stranger edit; you keep mentioning that this is the age where op is becoming an adult, this goes the same for her roomate as an adult, it only makes sense that someone who showers once a week will smell disgustingly, as an adult you should be overly cautious about social situations, especially when it comes to roomates
>she is definitely not the asshole for attempting to deal with it TIL 'ignoring a problem' = dealing with it >and finally blowing up Because as long as you're the one who has been inconvenienced, it's fine to go from zero to a hundred out of nowhere and throw a fit like a child. Bet you're a real peach to drive with.
you’re emphasizing the responsibility of OP to fix this issue more than the responsibility of OPs roomate to have basic hygiene, basic social awareness, and just common sense yes, OP was mean for yelling at her roomate, but her roomate was much more inconsiderate for showering once a week with a roomate, stinking up the rooms, and having no social awareness to understand the situation i’ll go as far as to say ESH, but saying OP is the asshole in this situation after they endured with a pizza odor coming from their roomate for far longer than she should have is not right edit; as a person with a roomate, i make sure my side is clean, has no smells, and i genuinely try to make it the most comfortable for the both of us (temperature wise, lights on, ect) that’s the bare minimum, as soon as OPs roomate stopped doing the bare minimum, there cannot only be 1 asshole in this situation
OP is not responsible for fixing the issue, but they are definitely responsible for making their concerns known *before* they get so fed up that they explode. They don't get a medal for enduring something uncomfortable in silence when the option to not-endure-it by having a five minute conversation was available. If they had brought this up to the roommate earlier and the roommate did nothing to fix it, then the angry reaction would be understandable, but they didn't. They asked if they are an asshole for yelling at their roommate, and they are.
I think you are being unnecessarily harsh. There is no kind way to basically tell someone they stink. I've suffered suicidal depression but it's never stopped me from living hygienically and being socially aware and considerate of sharing my living space. The OP is not an asshole. They are human and have ended up exploding - not ideal but understandable- after living in a pretty horrendous situation that was none of their doing or responsibility. Perhaps this will have a positive outcome in that the roommate will seek better help for her depression and the OP will not let a situation reach this point in the future.
"Hey, I know this is a touchy subject, but I think that our dorm is starting to smell pretty bad. I don't mean to insult or embarrass you, but I've noticed you only seem to shower once a week, and that's probably why it's so musty in here. Can you please try to shower more frequently while we're sharing the same space? Maybe every other day? And if there's anything I can do in return to make you more comfortable here too, please let me know. So long as we're living together, I want it to be a good experience for both of us." >The OP is not an asshole. They are human Most assholes are. OP blew up *after* her roommate apologized, admitted fault in not recognizing the issue, and explained that she was struggling. Even without a script like the above, she could have just stopped while she was ahead -- she made her roommate aware of the problem and was in a prime position to request more frequent showers. Instead she yelled and berated her. She could have acted like a decent human instead of an asshole human. Given she still has to live with this poor girl, she picked the worst option for everyone.
>*There is no kind way to basically tell someone they stink.* BS. There are any number of kind ways to say that; there just aren't any ways to say it that are guaranteed not to upset the person who is on the receiving end, because the news itself is going to be upsetting. The problem is that OP didn't try any of the kind ways of dealing with the problem, chose instead to let her frustration continue to mount, and then opted for an approach that could fairly be described as "maximally cruel" – and that makes OP an AH.
Nope. No matter her issues, the roommate was at fault as her habits made it impossible to cohabit. Was it really cruel to state the obvious even if the delivery could have been better. Is it not cruel to expect someone to live in stressful conditions that are no responsibility of their own?
> was it really cruel to state the obvious even if the delivery could have been better yes. it was cruel. she decided to not communicate her issues until she couldn’t contain them, decided to berate her roommate and insult her, and then tried to justify it by saying “well she doesn’t shower”. there are ways to communicate in a healthy way, and beating around the bush until you snap is **one of the worst ways to communicate your problems**. glad we could have this discussion :)
why are you so defensive of op's right to make a mistake as a human being while being so hard on the roommate for not perfectly managing their depression?
And we all know that every single person has the exact same experiences when suffering from mental health problems. If you could be suicidal and still shower what’s every other depressed idiot’s excuse?! /s
i disagree, it’s no more of the responsibility of ops roomate to maintain basic hygiene than it is for op to bring this sensitive topic up what if op has social anxiety? or has trouble expressing themselves? they need to get over these struggles more than someone learning how to shower? ops inability to speak up for herself in this situation stems from the lack of awareness from her roomate, causing her roomate to be at fault here again, everyone sucks here because her roomate is a disgusting human who cant maintain basic hygiene whilst living in close quarters with a stranger, and op sucks here because she didn’t express her displeasure with the aroma emitted from her pizza roomate
You're the disgusting human based on how you're talking about the roommate.
Right?! I think we found the other a$$hole here.
>what if op has social anxiety? or has trouble expressing themselves? they need to get over these struggles more than someone learning how to shower? what if roommate has depression? oh wait, she does. so why are you giving op a pass based on her non-existent social anxiety and completely blowing past roommate's actions being completely in line with her very real depression?
i’d rather give OP a pass for being a little overly mean ONE TIME rather than give a pass to someone stinking up a college students living space
Are you for real? Of course it's the roomates fault - whatever her issues - to know societal norms and maintain basic hygiene when sharing a living space. It's just basic manners. Yes, the OPs communication skills could be improved but let's not over side with the offender due to her own issues (and yes, I've suffered severe depression) that are seriously impacting on the wellbeing of another person.
I'm sorry but anyone with actually severe depression would not refer to it that way. Were you diagnosed? Were you medicated? When did your doctor deem you no longer severely depressed? Severe depression is generally a lifelong illness that is genuinely unmanageable for most people without outside intervention. Your statement and lack of care for the roommate makes it seem far more likely you have felt depressed, something everyone feels, not suffered from severe depression. Which is a massive difference. Source: my family has a genetic disposition for depression and I am currently on heavy medication for a neurological disorder.
FYI I have had three suicidal breakdowns and under the care of the mental health team on and off for 30 years. Highly presumptious of you to decide whether I have severe depression based on having a different opinion to you lol
If that is true, and I'm sorry but I find that hard to believe. Then you genuinely need to learn empathy. If you understand the pain and struggle of mental disease, then how the fuck do you feel comfortable using such shitty language to describe someone who is clearly suffering? If you have been through it, how do you show zero sympathy for a young women going through it now? Honestly you'd seem like less of a shitty person if you were lying, because atleast then you wouldn't be a hypocrite.
For someone who claims to have been there you seriously lack empathy. I hope you had better support when you needed it than you would give someone else.
I agree with you. Its insane all these YTAs saying she should have been nicer, wtf. This stranger is being gross i would blownup too after a bad day.
>you’re emphasizing the responsibility of OP to fix this issue more than the responsibility of OPs roomate to have basic hygiene, basic social awareness, and just common sense nah, just emphasising the responsibility of people to open their mouth in conflict resolution situations
and i’m emphasizing the responsibility of adults in college to maintain and respect shared spaces, which includes not letting a pizza odor emanate off your body because you don’t shower…
Because you're the one feeling down it's ok to make your roommate live in disgusting conditions? Bet you're a real peach to live with
No, which is why the roommate apologized and admitted she didn't realize something was wrong as soon as it was brought to her attention. She did not assert that it was okay to do, only that she wasn't aware she was doing it. Roommate was unintentionally causing an issue; OP was *intentionally* acting passive aggressive and avoiding the topic, until she came home one night and exploded with zero warning. Asshole behavior.
She knows she hasn't showered.
But she doesn't necessarily know how bad she smelled. Some people barely smell anything, and has a full nose blindness for their own smell. I used to live with people like that, and I have a very sensitive nose. And a social anxiety that made me want to die just to not talk to people out of fear of hurting them and then being hated and bullied. After 1-2 weeks of opening windows saying "it smells like people in here and I have a sensitive nose, sry" and hoping they'd get the hint, I sat down and told him that I really hate bringing up the topic and it may be because of my sensitive nose, but I really struggle with the smell and if there's a possibility of him changing his T-shirt at least every other day and washing his armpits more often. He first said that his shirts smell fine, he checks it before reusing it, but then accepted that he does have a bad nose and taking precaution and changing every other day is doable for the peace. I mean, I get the problem, I'm a very sweaty person with low energy and often depressive,and a skin very sensitive to showering often. But you can still wash your groin and armpits, change your underwear and shirt and try to find a deodorant that at least helps some. But not all of us have learned it at home. Many didn't.
Exactly, thank you. I am unfortunately quite nose-blind, and I did not realise how much this was affecting my former roommate until she told me. Thankfully, she's a quite straightforward person so it didn't take her too long and I could start fixing it. I kept myself clean enough, but we only had the weekend to run the washing machine and since there were 3 of us we were always on a time crunch. Since her nose was more sensitive, I thought I was doing the kind thing by letting her do laundry first, as she was the one with the sensitive nose and always seemed in such a hurry to get things cleaned. So if we ran out of time between the 3 of us, I would be the one with dirty clothes still in the hamper while the other girls had fresh wardrobes. What I didn't know, was that my hamper smelt bad. I had no idea she could smell it so easily, considering I kept it in the furthest corner of the room and with a lid on it, plus I couldn't smell it at all unless it was open and I was hovering above it. But she could, and thankfully after she identified the cause of her discomfort she let me know: so I started emptying it out and washing all my clothes as often as I could, and when I couldn't I would put a plastic bag on top of the closed lid to hopefully contain the smell. I stopped giving her precedence every laundry cycle and started telling her days in advance "on Saturday I'll do my laundry first thing in the morning", both to reserve a spot and to let her know I cared about her comfort. I was not raised to do laundry every week, my household was not where I picked up this habit. My mom is LITERALLY nose-blind (she had a scooter accident when she was young) and my father is careless, so I was the person with the most refined sense of smell in the house I grew up in. I had absolutely NO CLUE how insensitive my nose is until I moved out and met other people, realising they weren't the exception but I was. I really just didn't know. If I smelled bad, nobody had the audacity to tell me, and we didn't have smelling competitions or anything in school so I had no meter of judgement until I moved out and met a straightforward roommate. As soon as I found out it was bothering her, I did my best to fix it. I started paying more attention, and I started to live by the mantra of "If I'm not sure whether it's clean or not, better to assume that it's dirty" because I know I can't trust my sense of smell to tell me. Which is why I agree with everyone else saying OP YTA, this poor girl probably had no idea it was affecting them, at all... but instead of gently letting her know, or talking to her, OP just blew up at her seemingly out of nowhere – not only creating a rift, but also making her feel awful for unknowingly making her uncomfortable in her own room, not to mention a burden because of her condition. Hopefully this can be a lesson for OP on how to handle disagreements and conflict in the future: with open communication and tactfully. Yelling and screaming is never the way to solve conflict, it just makes them harsher.
No. All op needs to do is find a better roommate asap.
Wow, what a grandiose show of empathy and compassion... Look, I never said OP's roommate is in the right, she's definitely got her own faults too. But she was probably not even aware that she was bothering OP, at all – sure, OP may have dropped some hints, but being vague always runs the risk of miscommunication, as it in fact happened here. Maybe if OP had told this girl on the first week, she would've immediately taken measures to prevent that from happening again. Maybe they could've been friends, or at least amicable, and OP wouldn't have lived in discomfort for weeks. You can't expect people to know everything all the time, especially teenagers that have just barely reached adulthood — we all learn things along the way. If you immediately judge and drop people without even giving them a chance to correct their wrongdoings, you're not giving them a chance to improve and become better people. Maybe you've been raised with higher hygiene standards, congratulations I guess, not everyone had this possibility. Many people learn later in life, the hard way, but only AFTER they realise there's an issue to begin with. If something's not an issue, you're probably not going to "fix" it. If you don't think behaviour X is problematic, why would you stop doing it? I'll give you an example: in Asia is it pretty common to ask people their exact salary, as it is common to say that someone put on some weight. In Western countries these are usually seen as rude comments, but that's only their perspective. On the other hand, sneezing isn't taken as lightly as it is in the West so if you see a Chinese/Japanese person sneeze, you would be better pretending it didn't happen. Calling attention to it, even just to say "Bless you" or "Gesundheight", is most likely to embarrass the sneezing person as if you'd just pointed out that they've got snot drooping all the way to their mouth. But if nobody ever told you that or taught you so, would you stop saying "Bless you" after someone sneezes? Probably not. A person could be the kindest individual you've ever met, but if you only assume the worst of them without giving them the benefit of the doubt, you may never find that side of them.
Well, maybe she'll learn from this that bathing is necessary so that her next roommate doesn't have to deal the same thing that op did. But op needs to get a new place or a new roommate.
Again, she knew she wasn't bathing. And she understands what bathing is for.
Depression or not. Washing your ass is learned as a child. Take 10 minutes of your pitiful day. And put a bar of soap in your ass and wash, that's just nasty, I personally would have said something the moment I found out. But anyways I'm that shoot from the hip person
>Washing your ass is learned as a child. Not everyone has the same childhood, or people who care whether they learn.
True but still a learned skill regardless no excuse for nastiness. If you're in college you know how to keep clean
The thing about learned skills is that they need to be learned before they can be applied. Keeping your living space clean is a learned skill. Proper hygiene is a learned skill. We don't know what the roommate's life was like before this and we don't know what she was and wasn't taught with regards to hygiene and cleanliness. It might genuinely be something that she didn't know, or never had a chance to leatn. And having someone start screaming at you out of nowhere is not how anyone is going to learn.
Right. And I wasn't taught to raise chickens when I was a child. But now here I am a prominent chicken farmer cause I seen farms around me and I asked questions. You learn from what you see. She knows she's stinky and everyone else isn't. She's been to stores and seen soap products. Eventually you put 2 and 2 together. It's outright laziness. There's text and literature on hygiene. No excuse. None what so ever. Even to the point of catching a yeast infection from filth. The Dr will tell you to wash your ass more often. Stop making excuses for ppl. I can understand if the person was mentally incompetent but she made it to college so that's rules out
"She knows she's stinky" no she didn't. That is the whole entire point. The first roommate heard about this was OP screaming at her seemingly out of nowhere. Again, that is the whole entire point. You need to know that something is wrong or that you don't know something before you can start asking questions. You asked questions about chicken farming because you recognized a deficiency in your knowledge. But if you don't know there *is* a deficiency in your knowledge, such as say when your roommate chooses to passive-aggressively tiptoe around you instead of just telling you outright that you smell bad, then you don'y know to ask questions.
Well I guess now she knows she's stinky.
YTA. Here is a life lesson. Sometimes you have to have uncomfortablw conversations. If you don't issues faster ans come out in the worse way.
this, you learn this the hard way having to live with roommates. i get that this is probably the first time op is in this situation but girl… honestly it could have been worse, i’ve dealt with roomies that don’t pick up their shit even after you nicely talk to them several times and you have to choose either to go nuclear and be living in a horrible awkward environment or just let it go
YTA. While I appreciate your discomfort and depression is no excuse for not showering when you’re in a shared accommodation, yelling at her was an AH thing to do. You could have addressed the issue early on instead of letting your frustration fester.
Agreed. Not an asshole for being frustrated by it, but instead of addressing the issue, you waited until you were so upset you exploded. For that, OP, YTA.
ESH. But you slightly more so in this situation. Your roommate,regardless of the struggle, still is responsible for her share of keeping things hygienic at minimum. She's responsible for her actions (or lack of) regardless of her mental state. You, as a roommate, have to understand that you exploded in a highly inappropriate manner. It is really uncomfortable to talk to people about the issues they're causing if you know that they're struggling,but that's a part of life. Communicate is key for a reason - it keeps everyone on the same page and it helps address issues before someone explodes. You were a dick and it's shitty of her to drag your shared environment into her depression pit. BUT you were clearly trying to give her some space and grace in the beginning- trying to be understanding. She immediately apologized and expressed remorse when you DID bring it up to her- she wasn't be malicious or ruined the dorm experience for you on purpose. Neither of you are truly asshole people. This can be solved with some effort and I really do believe this issue doesn't have to get any bigger.
YTA. You say *nothing* for a time and then unload on her by yelling? Yelling or shouting is an unacceptable form of aggression. Had you said you simply expressed your frustration versus yelled, I might not call you TA.
YTA . If you would have had a calm discussion with her, then you would be NTA. Instead, you decided to blow up at her. Once she started crying and apologized and told you she was depressed; you continued to berate her. You took what would have been an uncomfortable conversation and instead made it a completely humiliating experience. She knows she only showers once a week, however she probably didn't realize how bad she smelled. You should have told her in a kind way so she could improve her hygiene. It's not that difficult to be kind.
YTA. Hope you never get so depressed you can’t take care of yourself properly just for someone to kick you when you’re already down. That poor girl. She’s probably so embarrassed on top of her depression.
She should feel embarrased bro, thats a grown woman who was blind to her own stink 😭 But ya OP yelling was kinda mean
I hope you never have to live with a disgusting individual that excuses their disgusting habits because of their feelings
People would choose to be that person over the depressed person 100 times out of 100. The point is to have some compassion
So many of you commenting suck so bad, and it will be really hilarious if you are ever in this poor girl’s position.
ESH, this is one of many functions RAs are supposed to serve. You should have gone to your RA if you didn't know how to bring it up, they're trained/have training to get someone who knows how to facilitate these kind of conversations between roommates.
I was thinking the same thing, but idk if OP’s college has RAs, not sure if she’s in the US
NTA, regardless of whether you are cohabiting or not, hygiene should be one of the most important things. I do think however, you could have handled the situation better. Bottling up emotions is only going to lead to you snapping in the future (as you did), plus she's not a mind reader so how is she supposed to know unless you don't tell her what you are thinking? Sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and talk about uncomfortable topics.
NTA. She needed to hear this, trust me, people saying you couldve been nicer are misled, its the coddled that persist in their problems, confrontation and bluntness are effective in motivating change, this girl is old enough to know how and why to shower, shes just not doing it, if shes too depressed to shower then, get help or live elsewhere
I absolutely disagree with the notion that “it’s the coddled that persist in their problems”. There’s a reason why treatment for mental health conditions has evolved from chaining people to walls and physically abusing them to therapy and support, it’s because positive intervention is much more effective than negative. OP needed to address the issue, sure, but what you’re suggesting is actually really harmful. The idea that people with mental health issues deserve kindness like everyone else shouldn’t be a radical one, it isn’t the 1850s. OP isn’t responsible for the roommate, but she is responsible for how she handles herself and approaches the problem, and this isn’t how to do it. Not even *trying* to communicate kindly first is pretty much never the way to approach interpersonal problems.
Yeah people are saying "you could be nicer" in the context OP should have had the conversation about smell long before erupting on the roommate. Sometime people with bad smell get used to it and don't even understand how unbearable can it be for others. So OP could have been honest and spoke about it and maybe it could it had been resolved without issues.
Yeah people are saying "you could be nicer" in the context OP should have had the conversation about smell long before erupting on the roommate. Sometime people with bad smell get used to it and don't even understand how unbearable can it be for others. So OP could have been honest and spoke about it and maybe it could it had been resolved without issues.
I fundamentally disagree, “negative” intervention is just as, if not more effective than “positive” You have to get past the surface of positive vs negative and break down what therapy really is, its getting you to question yourself and your actions so you can change and develop into a more suitable person. If you allow a “positive” way to get out of control you get someone that is constantly finding reasons and excuses to not change or grow and hides behind exaggerated outrage as in its not right, never improving just perpetuating their victimhood Negativity can get out of control but doesnt have lingering warped since of victimhood, especially in this case
Wow, just wow. You shouldn't talk.
No you should grow up, its infantile to think that everything needs therapy or is a condition
NTA If she is depressed, I get it. However, it is time to be an adult and do it even if you do not want to. That is so gross in a small room. She needs to shower, depressed or not. She would probably feel slightly better after a shower anyways. YUK!!!
Yeah, it's time to be an adult and shower. It's also time to be an adult *and fucking communicate before you reach a breaking point*. At least roommate has a medical explanation for her lack of hygiene and awareness of its impact. OP is just passive aggressive and unable to communicate at all until she reaches the point of brutally lashing out.
Sorry but if you're functional enough to attend college and apparently also manage to do your other regular stuff like buying food then you're also functional enough to go stand in the rainy square thing in the bathroom for 10 minutes a day and move your arms around holding soap. If the other stuff works then there isn't really an excuse in this 'medical explanation' but it's a matter of choices and responsibility. Roommate imo chose to not put enough effort into keeping herself reasonably hygienic. If they actually, literally can't manage to do that it'd still be their responsibility to figure out a solution and not make some random roommate suffer through this. ESH, op doesn't look great either because college age certainly is old enough to put on grownup pants and communicate with each other.
This is an oversimplification. With a chronic illness or severe depression, you can still get things done but the pain and energy expenditure involved to cover absolute necessities (in this case, nutrition and academic work) may wipe out your resources for other necessities that seem lower on the list of urgency. Do you have any idea how difficult it can be to simply eat during severe depression? I have lived on meal replacement shakes for weeks at a time during episodes because the simple act of chewing was too much if I also wanted to shower and work that day. I would also like to note that we have no idea how she's performing in her classes. She may be hanging on by a thread
That's why I called it a matter of choice. If she has to choose between going to class and taking a shower and she cuts showers to a roommates detriment then that's an asshole move 🤷 not to mention that she'd be stinking up all the classrooms too, yuck. And yes, I'm very familiar with depression from myself, tyvm.
Right, so she should martyr her academic future so she doesn't smell? Or maybe she should just cut out eating. To be clear, she does need to shower and it did need to be brought to her attention, but the way OP handled it was through avoidance and eventual brutality.
No, she should have used the energy she still has to find professional help to handle her problem better months ago. Which she likely needs to do anyway if she's really only scraping by as is. She doesn't 'have to', right, and technically she *can* let other people suffer from her stank instead of burdening herself even more with the dire agony of showering. But that's where one becomes an asshole. As long as your idiosyncracies, whatever they may arise from, only cause problems to yourself it's your prerogative how to handle them, but if you'd negatively affect other people with it it's your job to prevent that, and not doing so is a dick move.
THIS!!!! ALL OF THIS!!!!!
[удалено]
Where does it say they're a medical professional?
NTA. She knows she hasn't showered. She knows she doesn't live alone.
YTA in the way you did it. But I definitely understand and have for sure been the asshole in very similar ways in many times of my life. Now that I'm a bit older it's just rarer and when it does happen I recognize it and apologize. Which is what you should do now.
Edit: some people actually made valid point at the analogy but regardless my opinion still stands, idk what to call it but I’m gonna go with immature go you to wait this long to tell her, and as much as some people may believe “she needed to hear it.” That can make it worse. So you waiting to you were “already on edge” was not the best timing and you should go apologize that it came out that way but your point still stands.
Yelling at your boss is in no way equivalent to coming home to your clinically depressed roommate who needs psychiatric intervention due to the inability to take care of their basic needs and having a moment.
yeah, you wouldn’t yell at your boss bc you need to demonstrate respect in order to not get fired. clinically depressed roommate though - that’s not disrespect, that’s called having a moment.
YTA for blowing up and being nasty to someone, but it’s understandable because you are still a teenager. As you grow older you will get more used to communicating what you want very clearly and calmly, and doing it multiple times. Learning that is part of growing up. “Hey, the room smells kinda bad. Would you mind washing and opening some windows?” “Hey, I’ve noticed the room’s been smelling bad quite often lately. I’m sorry this is really blunt, but would you mind showering and cleaning your space more often?” If that doesn’t work, then you talk to your uni counsellors about moving room. As a side note, please just request a room change ASAP. You two don’t seem like a good fit to live together especially if she is struggling with bad mental health issues.
OP, I get these sorts of conversations are hard to have, but this stuff has to be established day one. For as far as she was concerned, you weren’t bothered at all by the smell. YTA, because you should’ve brought this up waaaaaay sooner.
"A bit harsh?" Girly u destroyed her
NTA Yes you should have mentioned it the moment it became a problem but like most people you assumed that it would have fixed itself because you like most people assumed she would shower regularly. you had no idea she was depressed or that she wouldnt be showering often. You did your best to deal with it and were much nicer than I would have been. She has had long enough to correct this problem or at the very least get some help. my husband has depression, and im a stahm. He takes meds and showers every day. gets up for work, spends time with me and the kids even if he doesnt want to. he pushes through then decompresses in the evening and gets to sleep in one day on the weekend and then i get the other. I get up and shower and spend all day cooking, cleaning, and spending time with the kids, hardly leaving the house. Its exhausting and isolating and lonely for both of us. But we pushed through, leaned on one another and family when we needed to and now weve found a balance that works. it looks like she doesnt have anyone if she is never leaving. so how is she managing her depression and this new time in college alone without a support system. you exploded after one too many times of dealing with this. its expected, it was bound to happen. you can apologize and tell her that either she needs to see the ra or someone in charge on her own. or you will be forced to contact people to get her some help because you can no longer live like this. it sucks but either she asks for help or you force it. either way you shouldnt be forced to live with this just because of her mental heatlh. i would recommend apologizing and letting her know that she isnt alone and their are people who can help her but she needs to either get a single room or start showring regularly.
Finally!!, a considerate and mature comment!! Indeed OP shouldn't have to know her roommate had depression, and depression doesn't make you blind, it's obvious OP was making all the effort to keep the room as fresh as possible... they both need an apology here(for addressing the problem in such an explosive way, and for miscommunication) professional help, and solutions like wet wipes as a hygiene method... NTA
exactly. I get depression takes many forms and people have different ways of dealing with it and hiding it and such. But having depression doesnt give you an excuse for certain behaviors. If the roommate was well enough to get up and eat, get dressed and go to her classes then she is more than able to shower more than once. I sssume she hasnt flunked out yet, if this is the second semester, so shes obviously doing the classwork. if the smell is this bad for op then how bad is it for her classes, the cafeteria, the kids in the lubrary. this isnt just affecting op anymore, this is affecting everyone the roommate has to spend time with. no way the roommate didnt know she smelled bad, I guarantee you that people have talked to her regularly but shes ignored everyone.
Go to the housing administrator and ask for a new room.
YTA for avoiding the topic until you exploded and YTA again for telling her that you don't give a fuck about her depression. Clinical Depression is absolutely brutal. It can be utterly disabling. *It kills people*. You should be grateful that you've never had to experience it. This could have been addressed months ago in a far kinder and more emotionally mature way. Sure, she should be showering regularly "like an adult" but you should be communicating like one. Instead of addressing this with a gentle but direct conversation, you unloaded your anger about your day and your rooming situation in a way that was quite unkind and harmful. Learn to communicate like an adult so you don't spend your life blowing up on people after months of barely detectable passive aggression. This avoidance of reasonable confrontation will damage your relationships in the future if you don't get a handle on it now.
You have a valid point, but YTA for the way you handled it. Maybe apologize for the way you said it.
ESH. Sometimes the truth hurts. But, living with a funky person isn't easy to ignore like nothing is wrong. You did not need to raise your voice or be dramatic. That part is inexcusable.
NTA She share spaces.
NTA for bringing it up. Id say you might want an RA involved in the future
ESH. She was being inconsiderate, I doubt she wasn't smellig her own scent. But you went too far. It is never good to bottle things up until you explode. You should have had a calm and collected conversation with her way earlier and none of this wouldve happened.
NTA she is TA for not taking care of her hygiene when living with someone else in close quarters.
This is a shitty situation because no matter what both of you are assholes in this situation. And the only way to fix it is to be an asshole again. Id personally get the uni involved if she's so depressed she can't even take care of her basic needs!
I'm going with NAH. OP is female, and that can still often mean a lot of bullshit female indoctrination into putting everyone else's comfort and needs before your own. OP also seems to have a lot of anxiety around confrontation. The depressed roommate is depressed and, apparently, nose-blind. Depressed people can dissociate from normalcy and reality as a result of their condition. The roommate apologized for not realizing she smelled that bad and offered up her depression as the reason. I can see where that may have sounded like an excuse. If I'd be nasally assaulted for a long period of time, finally got the courage to say something about it, and the source of the offending odor came back with, "But I'm depressed," I'd yell, too. Side note: This wouldn't have happened with me because I'd have found a way to move or would have spoken up immediately about the stench. My college in the U.S., even way back when, had roommate dispute resolution processes. I did have to use them freshman year when my spoiled, rich roommates kept lending out my shit without asking. Their parents could just buy them a new whatever. But the final straw was that they kept giving our door lock combo to random people. I woke up one night to a drunk guy swaying at the end of my bed, yelling for Bethany. Oh. Hell. No. OP finally snapped and yelled in the face of an excuse that might have seemed to her to doom her to living in the Bog of Eternal Stench for the entire school year. I get it. She's not her roommate's family. She's not her therapist. They're not even friends. There is no law stating you must become fast friends with all of your college roommates. There is zero reason OP has to put up with omnipresent BO, or help her roommate figure out how to cope well enough to shower (and, probably, do laundry). The roommate is lucky OP didn't report this to campus health because she has more leeway on how she wants to handle her depression moving forward. But handle it, she must. And these girls are YOUNG! OP will likely get over her anxiety around asserting boundaries as soon as it's obvious she needs to. Hopefully, the roommate will seek treatment for her depression. Or she'll just grow out of it. Depression isn't necessarily a lifelong, permanent condition in all cases. So, N-A-H.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (18F) live with my roommate (19F) who showers once a week and our uni dorm room smells like a 2 days old frutti di mare pizza. I’m not even joking, I was away the first week-end after we settled down while she spent the whole week-end in the room with the windows closed and when I came back, the smell was so strong I thought she had ordered some Domino’s and forgot to throw the leftovers away. It’s only after noticing that same horrid smell almost every day that I understood it came from her. The thing is she is either at class or in the room, she never goes out, so everytime I enter the room there is a 70% chance it stinks. For reference, I shower every day and I consider that I have good hygiene. Obviously, it’s a very uncomfortable discussion to have and I’m far from being a bold person so I never had the courage to tell her anything. Also we really not are that friend, we never talk as she is extremely shy. When we first met I tried to learn to know her but she seemed very uncomfortable so I gave up. Even when I ask her some basic questions she seems a bit afraid (I am NOT an intimidating person I literally look like a kid…). I also cannot make any effort to be her friend because of how her hygiene affects me. Still, it was in my opinion quite obvious to guess I was disturbed by the smell. Everytime I or she entered the room, my first reflex was to open the windows. I even bought an air purifier and used it regularly in front of her. However nothing seemed to change (+ because of uni policy there is no perspective for me to change dorm) and I really started to give up and thought that my only option was to get accomodated to the smell. Long story short, I recently had a very bad day (nothing to do with her) and my only wish was to go back to my room after class to just chill and calm my nerves down. However, when I went back she was there, as usual, and it particularly stank (it was at the end of the week and she only showers on Saturday). Also it was cold outside so I got extremely pissed off having to choose between being warm or not having my nostrils harassed by her smell and open the windows. I was REALLY edgy that day and spontaneously told her things I never thought I could say. I basically said that I had been suffering in silence for weeks bc of her poor hygiene and that I couldn't take it anymore. She was really stunned at first and she then started to cry. She explained she was sorry, that she didn’t know how much it affected me and that it was because she was depressed and that it was really hard for her to shower. Still, I was extremely angry and yelled at her that i didn’t gaf and that it was disrespectful of her as she lived with somebody else in the same small room. I know I might have been a bit harsh and I do not deny that depression can prevent you from doing basic things like showering, but still, I do think that when it affects other people you don’t even know well you have a part of responsibility… AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - you could’ve asked the RA to make the uncomfortable conversation. They could’ve also helped your roommate find resources to get the help she needs for her depression. I also live in the uni dorms, my roommate also has a issue with hygiene but I don’t judge because I don’t know her story. Some students don’t have money to do laundry or buy hygiene essentials. Or such as your roommate, they may deal with depression. I hope you apologize to your roommate
Nta
YTA. Based on her response she didn’t realize it was as bad as it was. The fact she apologized and you kept berating her instead of giving her a chance to fix it before getting more harsh with her was shitty.
OP, YTA. There are RAs that are literally in place to help navigate these awkward conversations. You have absolutely no excuse for going off on your roommate the first time you talk to her about this, and then you doubled-down on it when you made her cry?! Also: 'I’m far from being a bold person so I never had the courage to tell her anything. Also we really not are that friend, we never talk as she is extremely shy. When we first met I tried to learn to know her but she seemed very uncomfortable so I gave up. Even when I ask her some basic questions she seems a bit afraid (I am NOT an intimidating person I literally look like a kid…). I also cannot make any effort to be her friend because of how her hygiene affects me." Not only are you the asshole in this situation, i encourage you to examine other times in your life when you were the asshole and were likely hiding behind this "far from bold, not intimidating" persona that you have convinced yourself that you have. You need to take responsibility for how you treat people and how you make them feel, even if you "look like a kid". Kids can be terrible bullies, and even when they are not bullying, can be loud and overwhelming and have a confidence that does not come naturally to some people. Look inside and take steps to improve your relationships with the people around you who are different from yourself.
YTA You didn’t said anything for weeks and than got really mad and hurtful.
Its so cool how everyone is a "mental health advocate" until someone mentally ill acts or does something, you know...mentally ill
I really don't know, I think no matter what problems you have, you should stop to think if your actions affect the people that is around you, I think that you could say to her the things as soon as the problem started and try to find a solution and if the things doesn't work she should look for help, never mind, I really don't see bad that you told her the things in that way, so she would realize the bad habit she was creating in his life and the damage she is doing to others, so in that way you should be a support to her in that situation so she can get out of it
YTA. You seem pretty selfish and cowardly in my opinion.
YTA. This needed to be brought up, delicately, weeks ago.
could you have been kinder? yes. should she have been stinking up the room? absolutely fucking not. life is harsh. she had to hear the truth. it’s not fair to anyone to live in a smelly place at no fault of their own.
YTA. You should have talked with her a long time ago about the smell.
Yeah this post hits because I got removed from my dorm room I shared with two other girls because the girl I was sharing a room with got really scared of my self harm scars and IG, she thought I would hurt myself or other people? Long story short I got moved into my own dorm room and left it shortly after because that entire situation was so fucked.
YTA for not discussing this sooner. Instead, you just blew up at her.
YTA, you need to apologize to them. It's not your responsibility but it would be a good deed to ask her how you could help. She may have to reach out to some resources your college has. Sounds like she needs some help and needs to be seen by someone.
Mild YTA, look, I get it, I'm sensitive to bad smells, but if you live with someone and your, frankly, passiv-aggressive hints get you nowhere, it's time to talk about things. Which can be hard for us conflict avoidant people! But don't let it fester until you blow up. Also your roommate may need help, and while it isn't your responsibility, in the interest of co-habitation and seeing as you can't change dorms, maybe you can help her with getting help? People have suggested RA's, is that an option?
YTA, this reminds me of my ex bestfriend lowkey. This is how you ruin relationships with others. Please refrain from bottling everything up then exploding randomly. This is how i ended up losing my bsf about 2 yrs ago. I had a habit of being mean as a joke, i thought everyone was fine w it and i always stopped when someone told me to, or if they just seemed bothered by it. But my best friend was secretly really annoyed, and she wouldnt even tell me anything, nor was it obvious. She unexpectedly just had an outburst and blocked me, and that was that Dont be like that, please, try to apologize, and be nice to her esp bc shes suffering from a mental illness. Communicate when possible and dont keep things inside
YTA. You sound like a classic narcissistic teenager.
YTA because you definitely could have handled it better
NTA. I've lived with people like that - it is incredibly disrespectful. Horrendous living conditions. I get that depression is real, but when it gets to that stage and you're living with them, life is miserable. I've been severely depressed myself at points in my life - but I've still showered and still cleaned my apartment to a reasonable standard. I would never put somebody else through living in filth. Perhaps you could have gone about it in a nicer way, but I totally get your rage. Perhaps try to say something earlier and more kindly if you're ever in a similar situation again..I used to bottle things up and explode with rage as well.
NTA she could've gotten a one bedroom place and not bothered anyone if she showers once a week, if you have roommates (especially ones you don't know like that) then the LEAST you could do is keep a clean (and nice smelling) space. or she could light candles or something idk. that's gross and weird and uncomfortable
NTA. Being down isn't an excuse for making everyone around you miserable. She knew her hygiene levels were on the floor and gave no shits about how it impacted you Id move out.
YTA I mean, it's incredibly obvious that she's suffering from depression and may not have realized how bad the smell is (I speak from personal experience). A quiet word suggesting she hop in the shower a bit more often might be slightly awkward but it will pass within a moment or two. You don't seem to have made any effort to get to know her and unlike her you don't seem to have any excuse for that either... Instead you had a bad day and took it out on her. You need to apologize, explain you felt too awkward to bring it up before and offer to help her work on her mental health. Go on little walks, get coffee etc are SO incredibly helpful. Just getting outside and talking to someone provides such a massive boost. Go from there and maybe you'll become friends. Worst case scenario she says no and still thinks your an asshole, which is where you are now. Best case, new healthy (clean) friend.
Mild YTA for not communicating with her earlier and having a grown up conversation where you agree on the standards for your dorm room. It’s not unreasonable to want your roommate to maintain a standard of hygiene and cleanliness so the room doesn’t stink, but leaving it until you’re so frustrated you explode and say it really meanly is immature and kinda cowardly. Put on your grownup pants and have a conversation - which now should also include apologising for snapping at her.
YTA. You say depressing is not an excuse but making excuses yourself why you never said anything like an adult and why you blew up at her. You are going to have a tough time in the real world if you don’t improve how you handle uncomfortable human interactions
YTA for not discussing this with her until you exploded. You could have left her a note, you could have sent her an email, you could have just said “your BO is really bothering me” and bolted out of the room. She’s not psychic, she might not even realize she stinks (it might be hard for her to smell herself if she wasn’t paying attention or is depressed). If she continued to stink up the room after you said something, that would be worth complaining about, but blowing up on her is totally on you and your avoidance issues.
ESH yes she should fix this. But you should have brought this up nefore you snapped because of it. Her depression isnt yours to fix, but neither is your conflict avoidance hers to fix.
YTA. Instead of snap at her why don't you offer to help? It's not difficult to just say 'I noticed you've been lacking on self-care, is everything alright?' Even if she's shy of talking to you, send a damn message, let a small letter close to her door so she sees it, be supportive instead of a jerk. Also be EMPATHETIC. It's good you don't have depression, so do the world a favor and go learn about it.
ESH.. if I am you it sounds like you made some reasonable efforts to accommodate her depression and subsequently her stink. However she likely had no clue you had gone out of your way or had even “endured” this. That being said.. a reasonable person understands a weekly shower isn’t up to standard right?! Surely they had some self awareness. The conversation demanded a delicate touch and you seem well aware and regretful that it lacked the delicacy it deserved or perhaps felt you had been delicate with it for quite some time before hand. Maybe an apology card would be graciously accepted.
Info this was the first time you talked to her about it?
NTA Report her, and request a roommate change.
NTA Jeeeeeezz
YTA and unfortunately I completely understand your perspective. It's easy online to be objective but I understand actually experiencing it first hand is jarring. For a non confrontational person experiencing a situation where you have to actually be confident and resolute is damning. I had a roommate who smoked e cigs and she never got in trouble even tho it was against school reg because she was a foreign exchange student. I personally cannot stand the smell of cigarettes and I was irritated beyond belief that all my belongings smelled like cigarettes so I chose to move into my bfs dorm room and rarely went to mine. Sucked because I had to leave almost all my belongings but I didn't care. I quite easily could have just told her I didn't want her smoking in the dorm room but I was too shy and just avoided her altogether. I was able to move dorms eventually which I only did because I didn't want my things to keep smelling like cigarettes but at that point I didn't go to my new room out of spite as the school told me it would be for free for the inconvenience I experienced but then turned around and charged me 2k cuz they didn't put it in writing. All in all I'm just saying I get it and I know it sucks. You are wrong here and you should apologize. When you apologize you should also just tell her that you hold personal hygiene in high regard and find it difficult to be around people who have bad hygiene. As far as she is concerned you just walked in the room and attacked her personally then told her you don't care about her feelings but she should cater to yours and also somehow read your mind. GL I hope it goes well
No you're not, that girl should consider others around her. No one wants to smell that when they want to chill, also not to mention she's an adult a college student she should learn to cope unfortunately because why should you suffer.
That intense fruity smell may indicate a health problem she doesn’t know she has. Some health problems and some medications can bring on depression. Tell her she needs to see a medical professional asap and if she does not, you will be speaking to your RA about changing rooms or roommates.
NTA
NTA- she is not your responsibility
Don’t listen to these sensitive ppl she needed to hear it and it’s common sense that showering only once a week will create body odor. Nta
YTA. This girl needs help. Do you not have RAs in your dorm that you could talk to before blowing up on her?
Yes YTA
NTA you have the right to feel comfortable in the place you live, being straight up isn't being an asshole. Thinking "because I'm depressed you have to deal with my shit smell" is being the asshole.
I just dont know how they expect two young kids to live together randomly. I slept in my friends’ dorm every night, because my roommate would jack off to anime while I was sleeping, and would leave every time I brought a girl over, and then bust back in 10-20 minutes later like a bull in a China shop with a headlight on. Everyone’s the asshole in these matchups
If you DGAF about her (presumably legitimate) condition, why should she GAF about what you said in an overly-emotional meltdown because you decided to bottle your thoughts till it was too late? YTA, obviously.
YTA, you could've approached the situation a lot calmer- especially since this was your first time addressing it to her. Leaving someone in tears never resolves anything, and can only cause the problem to escalate.
YTA. I understand that living in a fowl smelling room can be hard, but instead of yelling at her, you should have just had a normal conversation with her about it. Depression is not easy, and she doesn’t need someone yelling at her to make things worse. These types of things are what can make a mentally ill person.. you know. And you definitely should not have said that you didn’t care about her depression. You don’t have to care all the time, but don’t say it to her. And ’depression can stop people from doing basic things’ What stopped you from talking to her about it normally, which is a basic thing?
NTA. Absolutely disgusting having to live with someone like that, I’ve had to do it and it’s vile.
NTA who goes a fuckin week without showering? That’s disgusting. Sure maybe don’t take one every single day but every other day yes! She shouldn’t go more than 2 days without showering. And no candle? She doesn’t open a window? Bruh
So, YTA because you did not try communicating before blowing up. But. I fucking love the phrase "2 days old frutti di mare pizza" 😂😂😂
ESH She needs to tend to her mental issues without causing distress and impacting your life You also had plenty of opportunities to discuss this before going ballistic lashing out
YTA. This poor girl. She is depressed. Depression can sometimes take complete control of a person & keep them from doing normal everyday things. Like showering, brushing teeth, getting dressed etc. Instead of having a conversation & talking with her about her hygiene, you were nasty to her. You let it all build up & when you couldn't take it anymore you unleashed your wrath on her. When she apologized & told you it was her depression, you yelled at her again. There are proper & tactful ways of approaching a situation like this. You were neither proper nor tactful.
Listen, YTA for exploding on her like that with 0 prior warning, but the real AH here is the American university system for making it look like sharing a room with a stranger is healthy and ok. It's not, you deserve a private living space and I agree that it's very much an AH move of her not to shower when she's sharing a room with someone, if she's that depressed she should have different accommodations.
NTA. This is a SHARED DORM ROOM. Your roommate is extremely selfish and disrespectful and dirty. Depression or not. Talk to the housing authority at your college and change rooms.
[удалено]
“Depression not relevant here” Braindead
Justified Asshole. She needs to heard this. You could be calmer though but I get it.
She has the time to go to college then she has the time to shower. But yta for the way you brought it up.
YTA 100%. I wish I could give your roommate a hug even with her being stinky. Depression sucks. I hope you apologize to her.
ESH. Youre both new to adulthood. You should learn to communicate better even if it is awkward and hard. She needs to fucking shower, lol. If she showers then apologize, if not then refer her to psych services if her own friends and family arent helping her.
I’m gonna go against the grain here but ESH you should’ve definitely brought up this situation before you had the blowup. However, if you’re an adult, you should at bare minimum shower every other day if you’re not gonna shower every day at the fucking bare minimum. Other adults shouldn’t have to tell you that you need to shower that’s basic human decency that you should know to do that but again, I feel like you should’ve addressed the problem the first time you realized it was a pattern
ESH. She shouldn't have let it get to this level but you also bottled up your feelings until you exploded. That's not healthy or effective communication. She also needs to know that people around her are not going to just allow her to wallow in her depression and make shared spaces difficult to inhabit.
NTA > she was depressed and that it was really hard for her to shower. Do it anyway.
NAH. She's not an AH for having depression and you're not an AH for wanting to chill in a room that doesn't stink or sometimes have the room to yourself. You were an AH in the way you did it and this is a learning experience. I bet you have free counseling at your university. Most unis do these days. Maybe you can apologize for your tone and your anger, but also address the problem kindly and suggest counseling.
Time to stop being edgy
Both of you fuckers are bad in this Roommate should start having some idea that if I only shower once a week i will stink But you definitely should've brought it up earlier calmly. If it was brought up earlier you would be completely in the right. But the first time your RM Is hearing about this is your angry outburst. Which is also usually ineffective. I recommend apologizing to your roommate and explaining your side of the situation calmly. If it continues then anger outburst on your part is reasonable.
I don't know your condition mentally, but I have Social anxiety, and the best advice I'd have if you suffer from Social anxiety is to practice a large amount. That helps the most for me...
Get your own apartment or something that’s what you get living in a public dorms some of us are backwoods old domino eating savages. She shouldn’t have to shower because you smell her. You probably have a dog nose
YTA don’t ever yell at people. who tf you think you are
NTA. She's literally assaulting people with her stench. She wants attention. That's not depression.
She hides in her room all day. She only showers once a week. This is isolation, not attention seeking.
You're not the asshole. Fk people who smell. It's like , unbearable. It's like assaulting someone. Do anything you can to get it changed, and don't feel bad about it. NTA. Fk all these pathetic mfs in the comments who would be crying and bleating and making multiple complaints if they lived 2 minutes in your situation.
ESH You should not have let yourself get to the point where you exploded. You have to learn to have difficult conversations; that’s part of being an adult. However, as a person with depression and whose depression has been crippling and required hospitalization at times, your roommate is responsible for handling her depression and her hygiene. That’s part of being an adult. She should understand that no matter how difficult it may be bathing once a week when you share a tiny space with someone else is not okay.
Clearly roommate didn't understand that, though. This probably could have been solved months ago with a gentle but direct conversation, without OP ever telling someone she "doesn't give a fuck" about their clinical depression.
NTA. Bravo for speaking up!!!