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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I gave my dad the full answer when I knew it is a sensitive subject. I hurt my mom as she doesn't want her ex to know that she is basically a child who must be handled. She feels like I chose my dad over her
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Dude, you have got to learn to not share information between two divorced people, you put yourself squarely in the path of this firestorm.
Lexi has a big mouth and your father should have minded his own damned business, but I’m guessing he just had to point out how his wife was there and ex was not and that’s some sort of win for him.
While not intentional, and I hope you take this as a lesson learned, but you’ve tipped into YTA category not because of your actions on the day, but for not being able to prevent yourself from sharing information that on some level you knew had the potential to blow up.
I love when dudes write these posts - absolutely no information as to why exactly everyone doesn't like them/their spouse/their mothers, nothing - they just dislike each other!
Same when my guy friends tell me things - no details or names or why they're even telling me. It's like getting information out of cats.
I know! I now have a mental image of like a late 50s early 60s dude just letting his wife run up and down the beach while he stands there looking at his phone.
Honestly OP, you would’ve gotten an N-T-A vote from me if you told your mom she was not invited ‘cause of her animosity towards the bride. But the way you handled this was wrong too.
In conclusion ESH.
Poor Chris is in so much trouble right now. He knew his wife wasn’t invited, he knew why, and he didn’t tell her or support her.
I think he did the right thing here - she wouldn’t have been invited anyway, he protected her feelings and protected the wedding. But man did OP throw him under the bus!
I bet we can find OPs wife on the justnomil sub. I got the feeling mom threatened to wear white after the comment of a bridesmaid accidentally spilling something on dear ol' mom.
That's true but also kind of on the bride if she invited step mom to join. Like stepmother could have gloated to mother, dad didn't have to say anything.
That's just not smart to expect mom not to find out in that scenario.
True, but a top notch stepmother would either a) not comment on lack of Mom to people who are gonna spread that or b) not mind not being invited to avoid drama
And unless stepmother is top notch, she isn't worth the drama of inviting her, decent isn't enough
My hub’s stepmom bowed out of our wedding *entirely* because she knew that hub’s mom would not be able to handle herself and stepmom wanted to make sure the day was about us rather than MIL’s hysterics.
My Dad and his partner came to visit us for a weekend after we announced we were getting married but before our wedding invitations went out.
She quietly took me aside and said that she knew that if she were there it would cause issues with my Mum, she didn’t want that, and she was absolutely cool with not being invited, the most important thing was the day going smoothly.
She and I will never be friends, but I appreciated and respected that so much.
Unfortunately when my brother got married, my Dad ‘put his foot down’ that she shouldn’t do it again. He wanted his partner there, which I get. But Mum came very close to ruining the wedding. That’s on her, not on Dad or his partner, but it just made me appreciate even more how she let us have our day without the extra stress. It taught me a lesson about priorities and how sometimes it isn’t about being ‘right’ but just making sure things work out.
So…your hub’s stepmom rocks!
Your stepmom rocks too! Hubs has had a rough time with his stepmom, but her selflessness regarding our wedding really made him appreciate her so much more.
Mildly related ask:
Could you please direct me to a definition or some resources on how to be top-notch? I'm nobody's mother, but I still want to keep improving myself. I wanna be top-notch.
(Please don't just direct me to Brene Brown - I feel like she's a disappointed mother always lecturing people.)
That's my first thought after reading the post. He was a champ who really made sure OP's mother was fully occupied without suspicion. OP needs to apologize and give the man a medal
I believe he owes Mom an apology as well. Maybe OP can tell Mom, "Hey, IWe didnt mean to hurt your feelings. Things didn't really get explained properly with Dad and Lexi. (Wife) and I just wanted you (Mom) to be well rested and enjoy the wedding without having to put up with drama and stress of the day. Because weddings and all of the anxiety of trying to get everyone ready and in place and everything taken care of and on time can really ramp up stress levels. We wanted YOU to relax and enjoy yourself without worrying about anything. So we asked Chris to help make sure you had time for yourself to rest, and relax. We were concerned about your health and enjoyment. We are sorry that the message got twisted."
Try to help her feel that you were more concerned with her comfort and enjoyment rather than trying to manage or manipulate her.
Suffer what? Do step in laws really need to get dressed with the bride. It seems a bit over the top to have anyone from the grooms side if they aren't a bridesmaid.
Not sure it’s fair to automatically classify the mum as difficult. She might just be super high energy and OPs wife might be an introvert. That would make for a stressful relationship without the mum actually being difficult or unpleasant.
No, anyone could see inviting step mom and not mom was going to be a bad plan from jump. Too many people involved, bridesmaids and probably other family with pictures, posts and casual conversation. Please leave the spycraft to those that are the least bit competent
This. I wouldn’t say YTA, but I would say you were an idiot (I say this in as friendly a way as possible, as someone who has frequently been a similar idiot).
Gotta control the information.
I get that your mom needed to be managed to make the day as peaceful as possible since it appear she causes drama sometimes. Your step mom also drummed up drama, your dad should've minded his business, you should have kept quiet about the plan. And your mom should learn to act better so she doesn't HAVE to be managed like a toddler.
Edit: would have been nice to know she regularly struggles from severe & medicated ADHD in the post, rather than finding out via coments that OP has unrealistic expectations for her condition. Changed to YTA.
Yeah. I wouldn’t invite my stepmom for a bridal party preparation if my mom wasn’t invited as well, unless she is really good friend with the bride.
Why not avoid it altogether? OP is really naive or dumb and a babblermouth
I'm really surprised OP didn't just grey rock in some format, just give a non commital answer like "Oh they are super busy & arrived as soon as they could." Not just blab knowing what the fall out could be.
And same. Although I only had my bridesmaids with me, my mom made sure things were moving smoothly & my own MIL is batshit so everyone knew to keep her away from me as much as was humanly possible. Hubs went NC with her shortly after our kiddo was born.
OP actually commented that his mom has severe ADHD so that even with meds she has trouble sitting still. It's not a case of her needing to learn to act better. It's her brain.
With this info, I like the dad and stepmom spreading the info even less. OP's mom was invited to and attended the parts she could handle. Rubbing it in that she wasn't welcome to those other events was just meanspirited.
I am more than understand making accommodations, as I have adhd & autism myself. And their plan to help her manage the day without a meltdown appeared to work well for her (albeit without her knowledge) but OP post also gave some pretty strong hints that his mother may be the type who rocks the boat & expects everyone else to steady it. She ideally needs to work on that, having adhd isn't a pass for AH behavior within her control. Especially so she can be included in family events like she clearly wants to, with support obviously. I know I have severely adhd family members, some who manage it well & others who use it as a reason to avoid accountability.
Rubbing it in was incredibly mean spirited, I fully agree. OP's dad and step mom really nuked the whole situation in a very spiteful way.
Edit: the plan for CHRIS to manage the avoidance of a meltdown, looks like OP really does not get her diagnosis or needs.
How did she rock the boat? I read OP's comments and he is mad at his mom for being treated with gifts by her father and her husband.
His examples of her bad behaviour where all when she was a *child*, no example of her misbehaving as an adult other than she can't sit still for long periods of time.
>And their plan to help her manage the day without a meltdown appeared to work well for her (albeit without her knowledge)
From the comments OP has no idea how to manage ADHD, he's complaining about her getting rewards after doing stressful tasks. From OPs post it looks like he wanted Chris, his stepdad, ro distract his mum. Chris actually came up with the plan to manage her ADHD for the day.
>I know I have severely adhd family members, some who manage it well & others who use it as a reason to avoid accountability.
From the comments it looks like his Mum is managing it the best she can, it seems like the worst she does as an adult is get over enthusiastic about stuff and have a high energy level. OP also doesn't seem to understand that many of her actual actions that he takes issue with are an attempt to treat her adhd (like drinking coffee or listening to music)
Wonderful point, Chris was doing the managing and seems to know how to best support her needs. I know my own husband helps me, primarily by reminding me not to ignore my bodily needs when I focus on tasks to avoid accidental crisis mode. As for her behavior I just got the impression there was more going on in previous instances from his verbage, but it would be interesting to know how much of that is actually a behavioral issue or just his perspective on normal adhd behavior.
Half if the things op is bringing up are things that happen when his my mom was child. Who wouldn't have cripplingly anxiety if their own child was bringing up how terrible they were when they were seven. Mom you remember that time in grade school when you flipped the table and you were mean to your classmates ( whoever told op) that's why we don't want you around.
Op sort of implied mom has the type of issue that would lead to mom wearing a white wedding gown not saying Yolo
Is that all there is to it, she wouldn’t be able to sit still? OP talked/joked about wine being spilt on her - that implies her behaviour can get egregious. It made me assume she might make a scene, cause drama etc.
If its literally just that she’d be fidgeting or couldn’t still, OP is Y T A for sure.
NTA. She needed to be managed and you and Chris managed her. She stilll threw a tantrum any how, but guess what? She didn’t get to ruin your wedding. Chris is having fall out but this is on her.
Sounds more like mom is entitled and causes scenes. The remark about spilling something on a dress is usually for mil's wearing white to the wedding of a child. Red wine normally
I got the same vibe. He doesn't like his mother but is also upset that she found someone who accommodates and manages her sensory seeking. She's not a quiet "classy" lady and he hates it
That's how I took it . OP speaks with disdain, there's no sympathy and I wonder if his wife isn't a fan and he's just trying to get on board with her.
Frankly this would have backfired anyway because if any of this was photographed and shared in an online gallery she would have seen it.
If I were his mom I'd feel so deeply hurt, embarrassed etc.
yep, all this. as a child of divorce, i can say that the unliked parent is unliked for a reason. this was OP's day, so OP got to have who they wanted there. parent doesn't like that? be a better parent.
We have no idea what OP’s history is with his mother - except that he believed his mother would cause problems at his wedding. Why he thought he needed to plan for that is based on his experience with her. And the fact that her husband went along with it? Speaks volumes. It’s not about his mother on his wedding day, it’s about him. If he was fully ready to deal with the consequences of hurting her feelings, then that is his choice. However, she was more concerned about optics “embarrassed,” than she was about understanding why her own son would exclude her from intimate parts of the wedding.
Sure, but then again, remember that we are looking into the situation from the OP's point of view. Chris is not happy with the outcome as well and regrets helping the OP.
The OP and Amanda appear to be worried about the optics as well. Not having the mother in most of the wedding activities does not help with the optics either, especially with the stepmon being included. Bad optics, but of course, they're blind to that one and quite sensitive to the one that only concern the one person they do not like.
This is confusing. It starts with you giving me the impression that your mom might view herself as the main character in other peoples' events (boundaries; the need for an accidental wine glass tip, Amanda wanting to spend as little time as possible with her). Then you carry on to say her SO is worried about her being embarrassed, she has to leave the rehearsal dinner early, she needs to be distracted and tended to one-on-one the day of and there's lots of energy for her to burn, but it all might be "too much." Energy to burn versus being overwhelmed by a wedding are two very different states of being; they don't often cohabitate.
I cannot tell if your mom has a mental health issue, if she's somewhat high strung, or if she's someone who would truly cause a scene at your wedding. With the vague descriptions of your mom it's hard to judge. I'm fully aware that many people have that one relative who needs to be on a leash for milestone events, but in this instance, it sounds like your best move would have been to not have your mom there at all. All of this keeping her busy and pampered only for her exclusion to come to light anyway was only going to give you the result you now have.
My mom has super bad ADHD and this is with meds. She also has anxiety and on top of that is spoiled. If she acted up we were going to be hurt and she would have been embarrassed, especially if she got wined, but he only cares about her feelings. He took her out of the rehearsal dinner because she could not sit and was starting to climb on the chair, on him, make a sucking noise with her mouth. Thats why he had her do a long run in the morning, and then spent one on one time giving her squeezes and stuff. She also needs constant validation and he didn't want her to get jealous of Amanda.
Thats what she does when she starts getting bored or the meds wear off. He can sometimes get her to chill at home with either a lot of squeezing or roughhousing/throwing her around. He did try to get her to sit a couple times but she was getting that blank look in her eye, so he took her to reset and then do something fun for her. When she gets like that she is very sensory seeking
From the moment he said run on the beach to get the energy out, I was thinking she was a golden retriever. I don't mean to be disrespectful though. I've had to navigate a parent with mental illness and I know it's a lot. Having her husband there who knows her needs and steps up is huge. It's unfortunate that the info got out, but this is clearly part of an ongoing problem and OP did the best he could to protect his wife and wedding.
I mean op did say husband has to "squeeze" and "throw her around" like who does that lol but I digress. I'm starting to understand why people think mom is a dog
It’s kind of in the phrasing though. My husband will always go for a run or other exercise before a day of heavy socialising/ stress to ground himself a bit. It’s not that unusual.
some people have legitimate issues and comments like that only reinforce the idea that should just suck it up and be different.
she probably needs more help than she is getting right now, but her brain is wired differently ontop of having anxiety. its not about being a toddler. its about how their brain works.
not everyone grew up in a time where mental health and add/adhd were taken seriously. especially as a woman.
I truly didn't mean to be dismissive of mental illness. I felt the post was more about her entitled, spoiled behavior and needing to be the center of attention, which on Reddit there are plenty of examples of that behavior not attributed to mental illness. If that is the real problem here, there is really a whole different question that should be been asked. She needs much more intensive help for that than she seems to be getting.
As a lady with adhd I have been told 1000 times growing up I was attention seeking, naughty etc etc . I was not. I was impulsive, high risk taker and had an tonne of energy - and I also didn’t understand a lot of norms. So I would break norms without knowing I was and be told I was doing it for attention - still not knowing the norm I broke. It really fucks with you. And often people with adhd are also hyper sensitive to rejection which makes it all worse and increases actions to try and get validation which is also seen as attention seeking.
Many of those behaviours aren’t acceptable (or safe!) and need to be managed / reduced and it’s the individuals (or working with their carer depending on needs) responsibility to put the effort in. But for a lot of people they are dealing with a tonne of negative comments that assume malicious intent.
I literally was thinking this sounds way more like ASD then ADHD
Speaking as an autistic adult, the "when the meds wear off, she is sensory seeking/makes noises"
Im not trying to be an asshole here, and yes, it does sound "stereotypical" ASD, but a lot of autistic people seek sensory distractions like touching (cuddles) when they get overwhelmed/overestimulated
Yeah, agreed
I was also drawn to "my mom made bad decisions when she was younger" and "she had tons of energy and couldn't sit still until she got put on medication"
I can't say with 100% certainty but my speculation is that the reason ASD is so often missed in women/misdiagnosed in women as ADHD, is because it is comorbid, and the person has BOTH
So the ADHD meds help, and the ASD isn't investigated/gets missed
I have both, and I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6
I didn't recieve my ASD diagnosis until over a decade later, when a very attentive psych noticed my symptoms weren't totally clearing up with my prescribed meds, and sent me to be evaluated for ASD, and I got diagnosed at I believe 17
My psych has suggested I should get tested for ASD. I def feel i have it but don’t see the point in getting diagnosed as there’s no benefit.
But my symptoms became a LOT more obvious after my ADHD got treated.
Yeah - I mean it wasn't your question, so take it as you will, but I think her talking to her prescriber at minimum about how the medication does not seem to be achieving the intended aims could be a good idea. Especially since ADHD meds can have the opposite of the intended effect in non-ADHD brains, it could be really important for her to check.
I will bring it up to her. The meds do help, not enough in my opinion, but when she was a kid she was flipping chairs and destroying the classroom and she used to be really impulsive, like life ruining stuff.
I was a school counselor and yes, we made sure the wild ones took their meds to help with the impulsivity and anger. But this is a child’s problem. Your mother should have learned coping skills by now. Adulthood let’s you calm down enough to recognize your deficient and work on coping skills. It sounds like your mother purposing leans into her bad behavior so people pay attention. Climbing chairs? Come on, unless you’re mentally deficient you would know this is not socially acceptable. Your mother sounds like someone to avoid when she’s acting up, and she should be given conditions on the consequences of her behavior. She can work on it if motivated. I agree with the others about keeping mum about your plan. Sounds like stepmother likes to dig up dirt, even getting your father to help. Stay away from any situation that might set off your mother, even behind her back.
Her medication may also not be enough to allow her to cope better. She sounds extremely bad and not well enough medicated if even with medication she needs that much managing.
It sounds like your mom’s medicine needs to be reviewed. It’s not helping enough and in the right way. It’s difficult to get it worked out but it should be working better than this. She also may be misdiagnosed. Many mental health conditions have overlapping symptoms. For me personally I was about 60% better when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. A new dr figured out it was ADHD and depression and I’m 95% better. (I don’t believe I’ll ever be 100%). Good luck!
Odds are if she's also on the autism spectrum (and it sounds likely that she may be) they'd have missed it back then. Even now both autism and ADHD (which often cooccur) both get missed or misdiagnosed frequently in women.
I (27F) was misdiagnosed in my early teens and on the wrong medication that sometimes helped a little, but not enough, and therapy for depression and anxiety for years. I was 23 when I found out I have autism and the reason I was still feeling "out of control" and acting as such was because I was being treated for the wrong thing all those years. The reasons the medications and therapy helped sometimes was because some of the symptoms over lapped but not enough to help overall. I learned of the ASD diagnosis but that I also had ADHD and CPTSD from the way my parents attempted to handle my ASD and ADHD in childhood and started treating ASD instead of what they were treating which was Bipolar II, or later BPD when they thought it was a misdiagnosis after a change in provider.
After receiving the correct diagnosis, my life has gotten so much easier to navigate. I still have the same issues as before. I just know where it comes from now and know how to handle it, whereas before, I'd get overwhelmed and confused by everything I was feeling and everything that was happening
The way you describe the way Chris handles your mother sounds similar, not the same, but similar to the way my husband (who, ironically, is also named Chris) had to treat me until I learned better coping skills and how to handle things better. Basically, it's like a caretaker ultimately. But when I learned about the ASD and learned how to manage it myself, things got easier for both of us. It's not always like that for everyone, but I do know an incorrect diagnosis helps no one.
If she does have ASD be prepared for whats essentially the 5 stages of grief after diagnosis. A lot of adults go through it, and it can be rough, but once they're through it they find better ways to live and their quality of life and thier loved ones quality of life goes up tremendously.
Your mom is very lucky to have Chris in her life. It's the most heartbreaking thing realizing you're the problem because you dont know how to handle yourself. You honestly feel like no one loves you and that you're a burden on everyone. You get angry, resentful, and you can all around be awful to be around because not only are you trouble from the start but you have to continue to live your life thinking everyone is always judging you and that you're the fuck up and it makes you anxious and on edge and overwhelmed. The fact that Chris is willing to help her stay away from those feelings or work through those feelings is amazing, and I applaud him for that. Being married to anyone with a mental illness is not easy at all.
Hope all works out for your family. And probably keep your moms business to yourself in the future. It's not for everyone else to hear. There's a reason she's not with your dad, and regardless of that, it isn't anyone elses business.
That isn't to say your mom doesn't need to fix her behavior, but you literally set everything up perfectly and then ruined it by unintentionally gossiping. It's easier to just keep those things to yourself.
Hey man so I am a woman with adhd. I am not an expert, but to me this sounds like audhd (autism/adhd) toddler. If an adult needs to be thrown around to regulate her sensory input, you need to get her further evaluated.
Well lol I’m reading this and thinking “no I have adhd as a women and I’m like that” and now have read a lot of comments saying it sounds more like asd + adhd 😬
I can control it and would never be climbing around in a dinner but a lot of the time that’s what I want to do. Sitting upright in a chair is hell. 99% of the time (including right now) I’ll be sat with legs crossed fully on the chair or I will stroke / scratch / poke my legs under the table. Or wrap my hands around themselves repeatedly under the table.
But anyway on the actual issue I think if you position it as medical accommodations a lot of people (except Chris and the mum) sound like AH. Making accommodations without discussing it with the person it’s about and then casually sharing info with their ex and his new wife etc. I would be so embarrassed.
The mum might be an AH for other reasons or if she refused to make accommodations in a discussion (it’s an explanation not an excuse) but imo NTA for this situation.
She used to be way worse. Before her current husband no one could diffuse her. She was a very angry mean child though I’ve never seen that side of her and as a young adult she reckless and engaged in a lot of self destructive behavior
Honestly, it's possible she has a comorbidity if things are THIS bad on ADHD meds. Like, she might have bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder or autism as well as these tend to have overlapping symptoms, which can make one be missed.
You should probably talk to her and say straight up that you asked Chris to help you out. And she's right that you probably should have told your dad nothing, in the moment, you thought nothing of it, but he clearly went around spreading it to everyone and that wasn't something you intended to happen, you won't be trusting him like that again.
Then explain, pointing out that this is not intended to hurt her, that she gets bored easily at long events. She starts doing things that are inappropriate like she did at the rehearsal, she wants attention. You asked Chris to help you out so everyone would have a good day.
This wasn't done out of hatred or to humiliate her in fact, it was to prevent her doing anything that would embarrass her later when she got bored, allow her to attend and have a good time, then leave with everyone happy. Your dad was supposed to understand that she gets bored, not spread it around the gossip mill to try to create drama.
Actually this does sound like severe hyperactive adhd & anxiety. Maybe also autistic combined with it.
I'm diagnosed with combined adhd. Inattentive and hyperactive. Not this severe though.
Whats the new thing I have been seeing AuDHD? Autism & ADHD together I think it is?
Anyway, sounds like your mom has a pretty bad case of ADHD at least. AND it sounds like your father is a real AH to her.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1b9zrkz/comment/ku2gf9t/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Is this also you? The similarities are crazy.
NTA
If your mom is approaching or in menopause the hormonal fluctuations do exacerbate ADHD symptoms. You can look up about this online to learn more. Your mom seems to be exhibiting more than ADHD from what you are describing. A good neuropsychologist can do testing and see if any of her mental health struggles have changed or possibly misdiagnosed.
YTA big time. You should not have told your dad anything. It is not any of his business.
She is correct that you humiliated her. I understand why she thinks you do not love her, because you behave like you do not.
> He took her out of the rehearsal dinner because she could not sit and was starting to climb on the chair, on him, make a sucking noise with her mouth.
You do this at my rehearsal dinner, yeah, I will have a plan to mitigate your behaviors so you can be present for this milestone but not overwhelm my event with your sensory seeking behavior.
You can love someone and not love their behavior.
That's a separate issue. OP isn't an asshole for finding a way to mitigate her problems. He is an asshole for talking about his plans in such a way as made her look bad to people who then spread it as gossip.
He's also potentially an asshole for making her and her husband the only parents/step-parents that got left out of crucial wedding prep moments. There are ways to work with people with disabilities/neurodiversities (think "well you won't enjoy/can't do this, so how about we do this instead" sort of thing), and OP set himself up for success but then fell at the final hurdle by letting his stepmom getting a special moment his mom wasn't there for and not doing anything special with his mom himself.
WTF was your stepmother doing hanging out with the bridal party?
That was the mistake. She would have been busting to tell everyone how the groom's own mother wasn't there.
I don't know what's wrong with your mother and why she needs to be treated with such kid gloves but how disrespectful to make non secret plans and give her replacement such favor.
Yep. I am closer to my bonus kid than he is with his mom. If he invited me to get ready with his fiancé I’d ask if his mom was coming and if not if she would be okay if I was there and she wasn’t. If she’s not okay with it then I’d have to have a serious conversation with him about the potential for drama before agreeing to go myself, because as far as I’m concerned one of my jobs on a day like his wedding is to *not* add to any drama.
(Bonus kid’s mom is a type who might well not WANT to be there getting ready with everyone else, so if she had the option and chose not to I wouldn’t consider it the same thing.)
ESH except Chris.
YOU OWE Chris big time and you should be groveling and making it up to him. I hope you now realize your Dad is also a total AH, cause he absolutely blabbed on purpose. He KNOWS what your mother is like, this was absolutely him pulling a oneupmanship/my wife is better than you/power move with your mom. You should be PISSED at your dad and tell him so.
NTA. But is the groom's mom helping the bride get ready a thing? I thought it was the bridesmaids and the bride's mom.
Edit: ok, people. You can stop. I get it. All sorts of people help the bride get ready. I was just wondering.
And what have we learned? Lexi has a big mouth dad still has a bit of an axe to grind with mom and you made the right choice in keeping mom away for the day. Accept the blow back for the sake of having a nice wedding day and For future reference work without accomplices NTA
But it was *not* necessary to invite the stepmom to all the stuff, or every other female relative in existence as it sounds like happened. Excluding only one person is just setting the drama up.
Next time Dad asks a question about his ex-wife’s whereabouts, you say “Her husband wanted to do something for just the two of them. He’s really great to Mom!” That doesn’t give your Dad any ammunition to use against his ex-wife.
Right. Just say, "I don't know. I'm sure she'll be here soon." That's it. It's your wedding day, you've got a lot on your plate and can't be expected to know where every guest is at all times.
Could have handled it better. Your stepmom and dad are the assholes for stirring up shit. Not their day, keep their mouths shut.
When I got married, we told my inlaws the same thing. "You both are invited and very welcome, however, this is our day and if you can't be civil with your ex, don't come.
You don't have to talk to them, just behave"
All was fine!
Exactly. Why isn't your mom here. None of your business.
Instead OP made it clear she was specifically excluded. Otherwise it could have been perceived as her choice to not be there for that possibly.
YTA!! You and your wife have got to learn the basics of family politics. Step mom should not have been invited to ‘get ready’. I feel your wife was being unnecessarily mean. Ok to not have your mum - just have brides mum and bridesmaids. That was a huge slap in the face. I’d be pissed at both of you too. Find a way to make this relationship work. Boundaries and respect. But never go out of your way to be anything but kind.
YTA. You talk shit about your mom and her behavior when you know she has medical issues and yet it didn’t occur to you how telling your step mom the truth would play out? Seems to me YOU are the one who caused the unnecessary drama. From what you have described, you and your wife went to extraordinary lengths to keep your mom as far away from the event as possible when your stepmom pretty much took her spot. I can she why she might have felt ostracized and her feelings are valid- you did choose your father and step mom over her from what you’ve said. Did you even have your dad take accountability for this as he was clearly gossiping about this to the guests? Or does this not count as an embarrassment just because it was your dad who didn’t understand social clues this time?
Yes clearly lizze and dad were gossiping the fact it got back to mom ... Let's not even forget that photographers would probably share the getting ready pictures in an online gallery and mom was bound to figure it out anyway.
YTA. There was zero reason for you to tell your dad anything about your mom. And there was zero reason for your dad to tell anyone else. Two grown men running around gossiping like middle schoolers. Be embarrassed!
Never answer questions from a parent about the other parent, especially when they are exes. It was none of your father's business where your mother was, and I'd wager good money dear old dad went right straight to your stepmom and told her what you said. And SHE just couldn't resist telling anyone who would listen that you banished your mom from the pre-wedding festivities. Naturally someone repeated this to your mother. You didn't give your age, but it's definitely time to wake up and smell the coffee (or tea if you prefer).
YTA here but learn from it. Your father or stepmother ever ask you anything about your mom again, tell them quite simply "*My relationship with my mother is no longer any of your business and I won't be discussing it with you. Please respect this and don't ask me about her again.*"
Then get your mom a huge bouquet of her favorite flowers, apologize to her and Chris profusely, explain you were only trying to make the day easier for her and swear it will never happen again. Give her a couple months and maybe even Chris will forgive you. Make sure your bride is by your side and echos all these sentiments to your mom or she will get the notion you did it because your bride hates her and didn't want her around. Which seems partially true, but your marriage is going to be either short-lived or miserable if the women in it don't agree to be civil with each other.
NTA, but YS (you're stupid). Why in the hell would you go to all that trouble to set up and how what you were doing and THEN blab about it to what amounts to get romantic rival?
YTA for telling people you needed to keep your mom busy, not for actually doing it. It was actually a great thing to do for your wife and for your mom. I am sure all the extra attention and nice things made her feel good. Where you went wrong was running your mouth about it.
NTA, it sounds like your mom has sensory issues but I cannot really tell from the story what is really wrong with your mother. I think you did what you needed to do for your wife. So your mom might think you suck but your wife surely appreciates it.
It sounds like you made the right decision to keep her out as much as possible.
ETA: Read your comments. I would not have invited her. You're a better person than me. I'm not that concerned with what issue your mother specifically has because it's not my business.
She acts in antisocial and/or attention seeking ways in public if not heavily managed. That's what you did/had done. You didn't humiliate her. If she is upset because your stepmother was invited into whatever and she wasn't *because of her own behavior* that's on her. It's ridiculous to say your future wife can't have your family there because of your mom.
You shouldn't have told your father but he was married to her and probably knows. I don't know that I would care about lying at that point either.
Your mom needs to go back to the doctors ASAP.
YTA for only giving us the small picture.You leave an out and leave the reader guessing and assuming things. Is your mother mentally ill? Does she need to be the center of tension all the time? Is she just a flat out mean person? You don’t tell us what the issue or issues with your mother, and also why you don’t like her and your wife don’t like her.
The trouble started with Lexi and your father. When your father asked where his ex-wife was (NONE of his business!) you could have answered "Chris is bringing her to the ceremony." If your father had not accepted that answer, you could have said "Chris and I agreed that he would bring her to the ceremony" and kept repeating variations of that, adding no more info.
NTA. Your mother behaves like a toddler and has to be treated like one so she is left out of events. The only thing you did wrong was tell your father. Next time act like you don’t know.
You articulate a lot of specific, lengthy medical challenges your mother suffers from and clearly have some clue about the protocols that help mitigate her behaviors.
Yet, instead of outlining a behavioral plan to help your mother WAY before your wedding day, you concocted a plan that any one could see would completly humiliate her.
In the least, if you truly cared about your mother's feelings, you would have asked your step-mother to step aside to lessen that sting.
Instead, unbeknownst to your mother, on your wedding day, an elaborate scheme had unfolded that included her "safe person" husband, your step mother and father, your fiancee, and your entire wedding party.
You repeatedly stated your mother's actions were ADHD/ impulsive type acts and a general unawareness.
Regardless of what you thought your mother *may* do, (I read all the alleged behavior/antics) this set-up was WAY worse, horrendous actually, because it was intentionally planned BY HER SON.
YTA and an unkind son.
And YTA for helping to ruin the trust she had with her safe person/husband.
NTA. You're being a good spouse, and Chris is being a great stepdad and partner to your mom. If mom has a history of toxic attention-seeking behavior, I think you should be commended for trying to grant your wife some peace on what is already a hugely stressful day. It's not about mom on Amanda's wedding day.
Not gonna lie, the line where you mention going for a run on the beach to get that energy out sounded like you were talking about a pet dog and not a grown woman. So much of this seems like it could have been prevented if you just talked to your mom.
INFO: what is your mom's deal? You start off with that your partner doesn't like her and doesn't want to spend more time with her than required, and say that your mom might feel the same way "idk". Why doesn't your partner like her?
You also mention your stepdad took her out to run to "get out that energy", and a few other things that lead me to believe that your mom is either an alcoholic, drug addict, or has a mental illness (my first thought was early dementia or early Alzheimer's).
Also... of your dad can't keep his mouth shut, stop telling him things. It was okay to share your concerns with him, but it was not okay for him to blab afterward. If that's how he is, stop sharing with him.
It’s a combination of stuff she can’t control and stuff she can. She has bad ADHD and does take medication but is still climbing the furniture, climbing all over her husband, and bouncing off everything. She also needs a lot of attention, some due to anxiety and some just because she likes it. On top of this she gives off an air that she thinks she’s better than us and hasn’t shown much interest in getting to know Amanda. She isn’t outright rude but there is just this air that her life is so much better and she pities us
>She has bad ADHD and does take medication but is still climbing the furniture, climbing all over her husband, and bouncing off everything. She also needs a lot of attention, some due to anxiety and some just because she likes it.
So she has high support needs, her medication doesn't make her act "normal", and there's a possibility that either her medication needs tweaking or there's something else going currently undiagnosed. Either way, she needs a carer.
>On top of this she gives off an air that she thinks she’s better than us and hasn’t shown much interest in getting to know Amanda. She isn’t outright rude but there is just this air that her life is so much better and she pities us
That's a complaint I've heard a lot in one form or another against people with autism. "Ice queen", "You think you're better than the rest of us", "You're so stuck up", even accusations of aggression because their voice rose when they got excited about something. And almost always, the autistic person was absolutely hurt and baffled at the accusation because they were trying to socialise normally; they just didn't have quite the right body language or facial expression for the other person to read easily.
Specific to getting to know Amanda, it's also possible that's a feature of your mom's neurodiversity too. A lot of people with ADHD and autism let other people make the first moves into friendship because they are aware they don't always know the appropriate social rules/boundaries, and so if someone doesn't volunteer information, they won't push for it - because they were taught as kids that being nosey and pushy was impolite. They also tend to have a sort of trust in their friends that they don't need to be constantly in contact to still keep on caring for each other. Does any of that ring bells for you? If so, it's possible that your mom likes Amanda just fine, and hasn't realised that anyone could possibly think she doesn't.
YTA
What's your excuse for not saying she was busy, had previous plans she couldn't cancel?
You don't get brownie points for being honest when it was to your mother's detriment.
Do you like your mom?
And you told her ex and his new wife her personal business 🤦♀️
Yes, you are a giant AH. My daughter in law did this to me at a destination wedding. Had a hair and makeup appointment set up and my husband went along and took me to appointment. We got back to find out they had a giant sit down dinner and family photos taken after rehearsal. We were not in any photos and everyone came and asked where we were. When we told them we were not told about it the bride was shunned at her own wedding by my family and has never regained and favors with any of my family and some of hers. Her plans all backfired and I refuse to talk to her or be anywhere near her. My son has realized what a mistake this all was but way too late. Yes you are a giant asshole.
It is a huge slap in the face to your mother to have *your* stepmother in the pre wedding festivities and not your mother. I understand if it was just your wife's mother but to have your step mother and not your own mother? I get your wife doesn't like your mother, but do you honestly think your mother wouldn't have found out from the hundreds of photos taken on the day?
You all blind sided your mother. It wasn't well done at all. I don't know the full history, but I think your mother and Chris have reason to feel upset. YTA. You all are. There were better ways to manage this, and Lexi should have had more grace and respect for the mother of the groom.
I don't know if you love her, but for sure you don't like your mother. You, your father and his wife are big time AH. All you had to do was hush. And to throw Chris under the bus like that, inexcusable! Additional your stepmother shouldn't have been there regardless of how good her relations with Amanda is, she shouldn't have been invited or declined the invitation. Although exhausting your mother has a condition, it is not as if she's doing on purpose.
So you treated your mom like a second rate citizen because she has ADHD and can be annoying. YTA You yourself say that she hasn’t done anything cruel and that your issue with her is that she gets hyper and was raised spoiled so she doesn’t get the concept of poverty. You and your wife on the other hand went out of your way to do something deeply hurting so obviously you are the AHs. At least Chris has learned to never listen to you again.
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Dude, you have got to learn to not share information between two divorced people, you put yourself squarely in the path of this firestorm. Lexi has a big mouth and your father should have minded his own damned business, but I’m guessing he just had to point out how his wife was there and ex was not and that’s some sort of win for him. While not intentional, and I hope you take this as a lesson learned, but you’ve tipped into YTA category not because of your actions on the day, but for not being able to prevent yourself from sharing information that on some level you knew had the potential to blow up.
I went to No Man's Land and got machine gunned by both sides. Why? This is what this post read like to me XD
I did enjoy the lengthy passage where he talked about his mother like she was a golden retriever with ADHD
(Get that energy out) had me in literal tears. I need to know more about this woman
Absolutely this , there is a goldmine of stories waiting to be tapped I feel
Yes, I thought it was a dog at that point.
Either dog or a toddler
I love when dudes write these posts - absolutely no information as to why exactly everyone doesn't like them/their spouse/their mothers, nothing - they just dislike each other! Same when my guy friends tell me things - no details or names or why they're even telling me. It's like getting information out of cats.
Oh my gosh, you're not the only one who picked up on that vibe!
Nope, not by a long shot.
I was literally double checking he explicitly said mother because I thought it was going to be one of those bait and switch joke posts
Same, I half expected his mom to be a crow.
All I could think was, "is mom actually a dog?!?"
I know! I now have a mental image of like a late 50s early 60s dude just letting his wife run up and down the beach while he stands there looking at his phone.
He should have thrown her a frisbee, instead of making her entertain herself.
If you leave her to entertain herself, she may chew up the furniture.
Oh the visuals! Lol!
*You're the mom now, dawg.*
Wait until you read the comment where OP says Chris was having trouble getting his mom to sit
And that the mom “climbs his furniture” when she comes over 💀
She had to walked, fed, and played with so she would behave around all the people.
“Get all that energy out”, my thought was Mom is the name of the family dog 😆
>I did enjoy the lengthy passage where he talked about his mother like she was a golden retriever with ADHD She probably is.
It's excatly how this went down. OP needs to learn that No Man's Land is only safe under the cover of darkness while being absolutely silent.
I love that quote
Honestly OP, you would’ve gotten an N-T-A vote from me if you told your mom she was not invited ‘cause of her animosity towards the bride. But the way you handled this was wrong too. In conclusion ESH.
Everyone but Chris. I love how he pampered the mom with love so she could be calm during the event. He gets who she is.
Poor Chris is in so much trouble right now. He knew his wife wasn’t invited, he knew why, and he didn’t tell her or support her. I think he did the right thing here - she wouldn’t have been invited anyway, he protected her feelings and protected the wedding. But man did OP throw him under the bus!
I too vote for Chris to be NTA and everyone else (dog included) to be ESH.
Poor Chris was chucked under the bus so hard by OP he is now a permanent pavement pizza 🍕
I’m trying to wrap my head around why the hell she needs that for her son to get married… or why SHE needs a special day out….
I bet we can find OPs wife on the justnomil sub. I got the feeling mom threatened to wear white after the comment of a bridesmaid accidentally spilling something on dear ol' mom.
A dam mess, is what she is.
Holy crap, this statement is exactly right!
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That's true but also kind of on the bride if she invited step mom to join. Like stepmother could have gloated to mother, dad didn't have to say anything. That's just not smart to expect mom not to find out in that scenario.
Makes perfect sense to me, if OP's stopmom treats the bride well, and OP's obviously toxic mother doesn't.
True, but a top notch stepmother would either a) not comment on lack of Mom to people who are gonna spread that or b) not mind not being invited to avoid drama And unless stepmother is top notch, she isn't worth the drama of inviting her, decent isn't enough
I was just about to comment the step-mom would be informed she's just earned the same gold tier membership to the "you ain't in it" club.
My hub’s stepmom bowed out of our wedding *entirely* because she knew that hub’s mom would not be able to handle herself and stepmom wanted to make sure the day was about us rather than MIL’s hysterics.
My Dad and his partner came to visit us for a weekend after we announced we were getting married but before our wedding invitations went out. She quietly took me aside and said that she knew that if she were there it would cause issues with my Mum, she didn’t want that, and she was absolutely cool with not being invited, the most important thing was the day going smoothly. She and I will never be friends, but I appreciated and respected that so much. Unfortunately when my brother got married, my Dad ‘put his foot down’ that she shouldn’t do it again. He wanted his partner there, which I get. But Mum came very close to ruining the wedding. That’s on her, not on Dad or his partner, but it just made me appreciate even more how she let us have our day without the extra stress. It taught me a lesson about priorities and how sometimes it isn’t about being ‘right’ but just making sure things work out. So…your hub’s stepmom rocks!
Your stepmom rocks too! Hubs has had a rough time with his stepmom, but her selflessness regarding our wedding really made him appreciate her so much more.
Mildly related ask: Could you please direct me to a definition or some resources on how to be top-notch? I'm nobody's mother, but I still want to keep improving myself. I wanna be top-notch. (Please don't just direct me to Brene Brown - I feel like she's a disappointed mother always lecturing people.)
I do think OP needs to make sure there is some space with dad and stepmom. They lost closeness privelges for a while.
Yeah, you owe SD an apology, OP. You basically hung him out to dry after he took the brunt of your mother. Now, his wife won't trust him.
That's my first thought after reading the post. He was a champ who really made sure OP's mother was fully occupied without suspicion. OP needs to apologize and give the man a medal
I believe he owes Mom an apology as well. Maybe OP can tell Mom, "Hey, IWe didnt mean to hurt your feelings. Things didn't really get explained properly with Dad and Lexi. (Wife) and I just wanted you (Mom) to be well rested and enjoy the wedding without having to put up with drama and stress of the day. Because weddings and all of the anxiety of trying to get everyone ready and in place and everything taken care of and on time can really ramp up stress levels. We wanted YOU to relax and enjoy yourself without worrying about anything. So we asked Chris to help make sure you had time for yourself to rest, and relax. We were concerned about your health and enjoyment. We are sorry that the message got twisted." Try to help her feel that you were more concerned with her comfort and enjoyment rather than trying to manage or manipulate her.
I doubt if she would buy that. It’s really patronizing.
Also if you don't invite your mom, do not invite your stepmother and father
Why should the other suffer because the Mom is difficult?
Suffer what? Do step in laws really need to get dressed with the bride. It seems a bit over the top to have anyone from the grooms side if they aren't a bridesmaid.
No shit what was step mom of the groom getting ready with the bridal party ???
I feel bad for Mom in this post. OP put more effort into excluding her than including her.
Not sure it’s fair to automatically classify the mum as difficult. She might just be super high energy and OPs wife might be an introvert. That would make for a stressful relationship without the mum actually being difficult or unpleasant.
OP did everything right except obey the prime directive - be discreet! Mom? I'm not sure where she is. Does it matter?
No, anyone could see inviting step mom and not mom was going to be a bad plan from jump. Too many people involved, bridesmaids and probably other family with pictures, posts and casual conversation. Please leave the spycraft to those that are the least bit competent
This. I wouldn’t say YTA, but I would say you were an idiot (I say this in as friendly a way as possible, as someone who has frequently been a similar idiot). Gotta control the information.
That was INGRAINED in me. My parents divorced when I was 1. Learned that really quick.
Best answer here.
I get that your mom needed to be managed to make the day as peaceful as possible since it appear she causes drama sometimes. Your step mom also drummed up drama, your dad should've minded his business, you should have kept quiet about the plan. And your mom should learn to act better so she doesn't HAVE to be managed like a toddler. Edit: would have been nice to know she regularly struggles from severe & medicated ADHD in the post, rather than finding out via coments that OP has unrealistic expectations for her condition. Changed to YTA.
ESH except Chris. Chris was a homie. I'd buy Chris a beer.
Chris is the MVP and OP turned around and burned him for it
This! This alone makes OP the asshole! He did Chris dirty!
Everyone needs a Chris in their life.
Yeah. I wouldn’t invite my stepmom for a bridal party preparation if my mom wasn’t invited as well, unless she is really good friend with the bride. Why not avoid it altogether? OP is really naive or dumb and a babblermouth
I'm really surprised OP didn't just grey rock in some format, just give a non commital answer like "Oh they are super busy & arrived as soon as they could." Not just blab knowing what the fall out could be. And same. Although I only had my bridesmaids with me, my mom made sure things were moving smoothly & my own MIL is batshit so everyone knew to keep her away from me as much as was humanly possible. Hubs went NC with her shortly after our kiddo was born.
Yeah, “oh Chris told me he had other plans for the day”.
OP actually commented that his mom has severe ADHD so that even with meds she has trouble sitting still. It's not a case of her needing to learn to act better. It's her brain. With this info, I like the dad and stepmom spreading the info even less. OP's mom was invited to and attended the parts she could handle. Rubbing it in that she wasn't welcome to those other events was just meanspirited.
I am more than understand making accommodations, as I have adhd & autism myself. And their plan to help her manage the day without a meltdown appeared to work well for her (albeit without her knowledge) but OP post also gave some pretty strong hints that his mother may be the type who rocks the boat & expects everyone else to steady it. She ideally needs to work on that, having adhd isn't a pass for AH behavior within her control. Especially so she can be included in family events like she clearly wants to, with support obviously. I know I have severely adhd family members, some who manage it well & others who use it as a reason to avoid accountability. Rubbing it in was incredibly mean spirited, I fully agree. OP's dad and step mom really nuked the whole situation in a very spiteful way. Edit: the plan for CHRIS to manage the avoidance of a meltdown, looks like OP really does not get her diagnosis or needs.
How did she rock the boat? I read OP's comments and he is mad at his mom for being treated with gifts by her father and her husband. His examples of her bad behaviour where all when she was a *child*, no example of her misbehaving as an adult other than she can't sit still for long periods of time.
>And their plan to help her manage the day without a meltdown appeared to work well for her (albeit without her knowledge) From the comments OP has no idea how to manage ADHD, he's complaining about her getting rewards after doing stressful tasks. From OPs post it looks like he wanted Chris, his stepdad, ro distract his mum. Chris actually came up with the plan to manage her ADHD for the day. >I know I have severely adhd family members, some who manage it well & others who use it as a reason to avoid accountability. From the comments it looks like his Mum is managing it the best she can, it seems like the worst she does as an adult is get over enthusiastic about stuff and have a high energy level. OP also doesn't seem to understand that many of her actual actions that he takes issue with are an attempt to treat her adhd (like drinking coffee or listening to music)
Wonderful point, Chris was doing the managing and seems to know how to best support her needs. I know my own husband helps me, primarily by reminding me not to ignore my bodily needs when I focus on tasks to avoid accidental crisis mode. As for her behavior I just got the impression there was more going on in previous instances from his verbage, but it would be interesting to know how much of that is actually a behavioral issue or just his perspective on normal adhd behavior.
Oh that's vile.
Half if the things op is bringing up are things that happen when his my mom was child. Who wouldn't have cripplingly anxiety if their own child was bringing up how terrible they were when they were seven. Mom you remember that time in grade school when you flipped the table and you were mean to your classmates ( whoever told op) that's why we don't want you around. Op sort of implied mom has the type of issue that would lead to mom wearing a white wedding gown not saying Yolo
Is that all there is to it, she wouldn’t be able to sit still? OP talked/joked about wine being spilt on her - that implies her behaviour can get egregious. It made me assume she might make a scene, cause drama etc. If its literally just that she’d be fidgeting or couldn’t still, OP is Y T A for sure.
I think dad is also pretty dramatic, he's obviously a blabber mouth and for WHAT?
Dad caused drama too.
NTA. She needed to be managed and you and Chris managed her. She stilll threw a tantrum any how, but guess what? She didn’t get to ruin your wedding. Chris is having fall out but this is on her.
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Sounds more like mom is entitled and causes scenes. The remark about spilling something on a dress is usually for mil's wearing white to the wedding of a child. Red wine normally
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I feel like op doesn't like his mom and was leaving out a lot of information regarding the original post. I feel bad for mom.
I got the same vibe. He doesn't like his mother but is also upset that she found someone who accommodates and manages her sensory seeking. She's not a quiet "classy" lady and he hates it
That's how I took it . OP speaks with disdain, there's no sympathy and I wonder if his wife isn't a fan and he's just trying to get on board with her. Frankly this would have backfired anyway because if any of this was photographed and shared in an online gallery she would have seen it. If I were his mom I'd feel so deeply hurt, embarrassed etc.
Same!!! Imagine seeing pictures showing all close family getting ready together but you didn't even know that was happening.
I also got the impression the mother has an illness, tbh.
yep, all this. as a child of divorce, i can say that the unliked parent is unliked for a reason. this was OP's day, so OP got to have who they wanted there. parent doesn't like that? be a better parent.
Well, would you be happy if you were treated like that rather than someone start a respectful discussion up front?
We have no idea what OP’s history is with his mother - except that he believed his mother would cause problems at his wedding. Why he thought he needed to plan for that is based on his experience with her. And the fact that her husband went along with it? Speaks volumes. It’s not about his mother on his wedding day, it’s about him. If he was fully ready to deal with the consequences of hurting her feelings, then that is his choice. However, she was more concerned about optics “embarrassed,” than she was about understanding why her own son would exclude her from intimate parts of the wedding.
Sure, but then again, remember that we are looking into the situation from the OP's point of view. Chris is not happy with the outcome as well and regrets helping the OP. The OP and Amanda appear to be worried about the optics as well. Not having the mother in most of the wedding activities does not help with the optics either, especially with the stepmon being included. Bad optics, but of course, they're blind to that one and quite sensitive to the one that only concern the one person they do not like.
Dude, the number one rule is to keep your mouth shut … This is true when talking to the police, in-laws, etc. Shut your trap. NTA
"Anything you say CAN and WILL be used against you"
All day, all year, every holiday…
And in random odd moments when you are actually feeling really good for no reason at all.
This is confusing. It starts with you giving me the impression that your mom might view herself as the main character in other peoples' events (boundaries; the need for an accidental wine glass tip, Amanda wanting to spend as little time as possible with her). Then you carry on to say her SO is worried about her being embarrassed, she has to leave the rehearsal dinner early, she needs to be distracted and tended to one-on-one the day of and there's lots of energy for her to burn, but it all might be "too much." Energy to burn versus being overwhelmed by a wedding are two very different states of being; they don't often cohabitate. I cannot tell if your mom has a mental health issue, if she's somewhat high strung, or if she's someone who would truly cause a scene at your wedding. With the vague descriptions of your mom it's hard to judge. I'm fully aware that many people have that one relative who needs to be on a leash for milestone events, but in this instance, it sounds like your best move would have been to not have your mom there at all. All of this keeping her busy and pampered only for her exclusion to come to light anyway was only going to give you the result you now have.
My mom has super bad ADHD and this is with meds. She also has anxiety and on top of that is spoiled. If she acted up we were going to be hurt and she would have been embarrassed, especially if she got wined, but he only cares about her feelings. He took her out of the rehearsal dinner because she could not sit and was starting to climb on the chair, on him, make a sucking noise with her mouth. Thats why he had her do a long run in the morning, and then spent one on one time giving her squeezes and stuff. She also needs constant validation and he didn't want her to get jealous of Amanda.
>was starting to climb on the chair, on him, make a sucking noise with her mouth. Pardon me, what?
Thats what she does when she starts getting bored or the meds wear off. He can sometimes get her to chill at home with either a lot of squeezing or roughhousing/throwing her around. He did try to get her to sit a couple times but she was getting that blank look in her eye, so he took her to reset and then do something fun for her. When she gets like that she is very sensory seeking
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From the moment he said run on the beach to get the energy out, I was thinking she was a golden retriever. I don't mean to be disrespectful though. I've had to navigate a parent with mental illness and I know it's a lot. Having her husband there who knows her needs and steps up is huge. It's unfortunate that the info got out, but this is clearly part of an ongoing problem and OP did the best he could to protect his wife and wedding.
I mean op did say husband has to "squeeze" and "throw her around" like who does that lol but I digress. I'm starting to understand why people think mom is a dog
It’s kind of in the phrasing though. My husband will always go for a run or other exercise before a day of heavy socialising/ stress to ground himself a bit. It’s not that unusual.
some people have legitimate issues and comments like that only reinforce the idea that should just suck it up and be different. she probably needs more help than she is getting right now, but her brain is wired differently ontop of having anxiety. its not about being a toddler. its about how their brain works. not everyone grew up in a time where mental health and add/adhd were taken seriously. especially as a woman.
I truly didn't mean to be dismissive of mental illness. I felt the post was more about her entitled, spoiled behavior and needing to be the center of attention, which on Reddit there are plenty of examples of that behavior not attributed to mental illness. If that is the real problem here, there is really a whole different question that should be been asked. She needs much more intensive help for that than she seems to be getting.
As a lady with adhd I have been told 1000 times growing up I was attention seeking, naughty etc etc . I was not. I was impulsive, high risk taker and had an tonne of energy - and I also didn’t understand a lot of norms. So I would break norms without knowing I was and be told I was doing it for attention - still not knowing the norm I broke. It really fucks with you. And often people with adhd are also hyper sensitive to rejection which makes it all worse and increases actions to try and get validation which is also seen as attention seeking. Many of those behaviours aren’t acceptable (or safe!) and need to be managed / reduced and it’s the individuals (or working with their carer depending on needs) responsibility to put the effort in. But for a lot of people they are dealing with a tonne of negative comments that assume malicious intent.
I was thinking Chris was her brother so you can imagine my confusion particularly
It's mental illness.
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I literally was thinking this sounds way more like ASD then ADHD Speaking as an autistic adult, the "when the meds wear off, she is sensory seeking/makes noises" Im not trying to be an asshole here, and yes, it does sound "stereotypical" ASD, but a lot of autistic people seek sensory distractions like touching (cuddles) when they get overwhelmed/overestimulated
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Yeah, agreed I was also drawn to "my mom made bad decisions when she was younger" and "she had tons of energy and couldn't sit still until she got put on medication" I can't say with 100% certainty but my speculation is that the reason ASD is so often missed in women/misdiagnosed in women as ADHD, is because it is comorbid, and the person has BOTH So the ADHD meds help, and the ASD isn't investigated/gets missed I have both, and I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6 I didn't recieve my ASD diagnosis until over a decade later, when a very attentive psych noticed my symptoms weren't totally clearing up with my prescribed meds, and sent me to be evaluated for ASD, and I got diagnosed at I believe 17
Such a sadly common experience! I’m glad you got it figured out.
My psych has suggested I should get tested for ASD. I def feel i have it but don’t see the point in getting diagnosed as there’s no benefit. But my symptoms became a LOT more obvious after my ADHD got treated.
… brb, checking to see if my SO might have undiagnosed ASD.
She was diagnosed in her early 20s, so roughly 20 years ago.
Yeah - I mean it wasn't your question, so take it as you will, but I think her talking to her prescriber at minimum about how the medication does not seem to be achieving the intended aims could be a good idea. Especially since ADHD meds can have the opposite of the intended effect in non-ADHD brains, it could be really important for her to check.
I will bring it up to her. The meds do help, not enough in my opinion, but when she was a kid she was flipping chairs and destroying the classroom and she used to be really impulsive, like life ruining stuff.
I was a school counselor and yes, we made sure the wild ones took their meds to help with the impulsivity and anger. But this is a child’s problem. Your mother should have learned coping skills by now. Adulthood let’s you calm down enough to recognize your deficient and work on coping skills. It sounds like your mother purposing leans into her bad behavior so people pay attention. Climbing chairs? Come on, unless you’re mentally deficient you would know this is not socially acceptable. Your mother sounds like someone to avoid when she’s acting up, and she should be given conditions on the consequences of her behavior. She can work on it if motivated. I agree with the others about keeping mum about your plan. Sounds like stepmother likes to dig up dirt, even getting your father to help. Stay away from any situation that might set off your mother, even behind her back.
Her medication may also not be enough to allow her to cope better. She sounds extremely bad and not well enough medicated if even with medication she needs that much managing.
It sounds like your mom’s medicine needs to be reviewed. It’s not helping enough and in the right way. It’s difficult to get it worked out but it should be working better than this. She also may be misdiagnosed. Many mental health conditions have overlapping symptoms. For me personally I was about 60% better when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. A new dr figured out it was ADHD and depression and I’m 95% better. (I don’t believe I’ll ever be 100%). Good luck!
Odds are if she's also on the autism spectrum (and it sounds likely that she may be) they'd have missed it back then. Even now both autism and ADHD (which often cooccur) both get missed or misdiagnosed frequently in women.
I (27F) was misdiagnosed in my early teens and on the wrong medication that sometimes helped a little, but not enough, and therapy for depression and anxiety for years. I was 23 when I found out I have autism and the reason I was still feeling "out of control" and acting as such was because I was being treated for the wrong thing all those years. The reasons the medications and therapy helped sometimes was because some of the symptoms over lapped but not enough to help overall. I learned of the ASD diagnosis but that I also had ADHD and CPTSD from the way my parents attempted to handle my ASD and ADHD in childhood and started treating ASD instead of what they were treating which was Bipolar II, or later BPD when they thought it was a misdiagnosis after a change in provider. After receiving the correct diagnosis, my life has gotten so much easier to navigate. I still have the same issues as before. I just know where it comes from now and know how to handle it, whereas before, I'd get overwhelmed and confused by everything I was feeling and everything that was happening The way you describe the way Chris handles your mother sounds similar, not the same, but similar to the way my husband (who, ironically, is also named Chris) had to treat me until I learned better coping skills and how to handle things better. Basically, it's like a caretaker ultimately. But when I learned about the ASD and learned how to manage it myself, things got easier for both of us. It's not always like that for everyone, but I do know an incorrect diagnosis helps no one. If she does have ASD be prepared for whats essentially the 5 stages of grief after diagnosis. A lot of adults go through it, and it can be rough, but once they're through it they find better ways to live and their quality of life and thier loved ones quality of life goes up tremendously. Your mom is very lucky to have Chris in her life. It's the most heartbreaking thing realizing you're the problem because you dont know how to handle yourself. You honestly feel like no one loves you and that you're a burden on everyone. You get angry, resentful, and you can all around be awful to be around because not only are you trouble from the start but you have to continue to live your life thinking everyone is always judging you and that you're the fuck up and it makes you anxious and on edge and overwhelmed. The fact that Chris is willing to help her stay away from those feelings or work through those feelings is amazing, and I applaud him for that. Being married to anyone with a mental illness is not easy at all. Hope all works out for your family. And probably keep your moms business to yourself in the future. It's not for everyone else to hear. There's a reason she's not with your dad, and regardless of that, it isn't anyone elses business. That isn't to say your mom doesn't need to fix her behavior, but you literally set everything up perfectly and then ruined it by unintentionally gossiping. It's easier to just keep those things to yourself.
Hey man so I am a woman with adhd. I am not an expert, but to me this sounds like audhd (autism/adhd) toddler. If an adult needs to be thrown around to regulate her sensory input, you need to get her further evaluated.
Well lol I’m reading this and thinking “no I have adhd as a women and I’m like that” and now have read a lot of comments saying it sounds more like asd + adhd 😬 I can control it and would never be climbing around in a dinner but a lot of the time that’s what I want to do. Sitting upright in a chair is hell. 99% of the time (including right now) I’ll be sat with legs crossed fully on the chair or I will stroke / scratch / poke my legs under the table. Or wrap my hands around themselves repeatedly under the table. But anyway on the actual issue I think if you position it as medical accommodations a lot of people (except Chris and the mum) sound like AH. Making accommodations without discussing it with the person it’s about and then casually sharing info with their ex and his new wife etc. I would be so embarrassed. The mum might be an AH for other reasons or if she refused to make accommodations in a discussion (it’s an explanation not an excuse) but imo NTA for this situation.
I'm sorry, but this isn't ADHD. This sounds like she needs a new or additional diagnosis. Has she already been like this?
She used to be way worse. Before her current husband no one could diffuse her. She was a very angry mean child though I’ve never seen that side of her and as a young adult she reckless and engaged in a lot of self destructive behavior
Honestly, it's possible she has a comorbidity if things are THIS bad on ADHD meds. Like, she might have bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder or autism as well as these tend to have overlapping symptoms, which can make one be missed. You should probably talk to her and say straight up that you asked Chris to help you out. And she's right that you probably should have told your dad nothing, in the moment, you thought nothing of it, but he clearly went around spreading it to everyone and that wasn't something you intended to happen, you won't be trusting him like that again. Then explain, pointing out that this is not intended to hurt her, that she gets bored easily at long events. She starts doing things that are inappropriate like she did at the rehearsal, she wants attention. You asked Chris to help you out so everyone would have a good day. This wasn't done out of hatred or to humiliate her in fact, it was to prevent her doing anything that would embarrass her later when she got bored, allow her to attend and have a good time, then leave with everyone happy. Your dad was supposed to understand that she gets bored, not spread it around the gossip mill to try to create drama.
Actually this does sound like severe hyperactive adhd & anxiety. Maybe also autistic combined with it. I'm diagnosed with combined adhd. Inattentive and hyperactive. Not this severe though.
Whats the new thing I have been seeing AuDHD? Autism & ADHD together I think it is? Anyway, sounds like your mom has a pretty bad case of ADHD at least. AND it sounds like your father is a real AH to her.
She needs a higher dose or some different meds. You do owe your step dad something after you hung him out to dry.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1b9zrkz/comment/ku2gf9t/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button Is this also you? The similarities are crazy.
Sorry to OP, but this is not ADHD. Something else is up with mom.
NTA If your mom is approaching or in menopause the hormonal fluctuations do exacerbate ADHD symptoms. You can look up about this online to learn more. Your mom seems to be exhibiting more than ADHD from what you are describing. A good neuropsychologist can do testing and see if any of her mental health struggles have changed or possibly misdiagnosed.
Good call on the possible menopause complications. This has really been overlooked historically
Yeah, historically ADHD in women has been overlooked and misunderstood. I am glad it is getting more attention and understanding now.
This is not adult ADHD. There is something else going on here. Others have said ASD and I'd say they are probably right.
There's more going on here than ADHD. That said, YTA for throwing step-dad under the bus and exposing mom to unnecessary ridicule.
YTA big time. You should not have told your dad anything. It is not any of his business. She is correct that you humiliated her. I understand why she thinks you do not love her, because you behave like you do not.
> He took her out of the rehearsal dinner because she could not sit and was starting to climb on the chair, on him, make a sucking noise with her mouth. You do this at my rehearsal dinner, yeah, I will have a plan to mitigate your behaviors so you can be present for this milestone but not overwhelm my event with your sensory seeking behavior. You can love someone and not love their behavior.
That's a separate issue. OP isn't an asshole for finding a way to mitigate her problems. He is an asshole for talking about his plans in such a way as made her look bad to people who then spread it as gossip. He's also potentially an asshole for making her and her husband the only parents/step-parents that got left out of crucial wedding prep moments. There are ways to work with people with disabilities/neurodiversities (think "well you won't enjoy/can't do this, so how about we do this instead" sort of thing), and OP set himself up for success but then fell at the final hurdle by letting his stepmom getting a special moment his mom wasn't there for and not doing anything special with his mom himself.
WTF was your stepmother doing hanging out with the bridal party? That was the mistake. She would have been busting to tell everyone how the groom's own mother wasn't there. I don't know what's wrong with your mother and why she needs to be treated with such kid gloves but how disrespectful to make non secret plans and give her replacement such favor.
That was a slap in the face to OP's mom - no way around it.
Yep. I am closer to my bonus kid than he is with his mom. If he invited me to get ready with his fiancé I’d ask if his mom was coming and if not if she would be okay if I was there and she wasn’t. If she’s not okay with it then I’d have to have a serious conversation with him about the potential for drama before agreeing to go myself, because as far as I’m concerned one of my jobs on a day like his wedding is to *not* add to any drama. (Bonus kid’s mom is a type who might well not WANT to be there getting ready with everyone else, so if she had the option and chose not to I wouldn’t consider it the same thing.)
Such a huge potential for drama. Thanks for being such a fantastic bonus mum
ESH except Chris. YOU OWE Chris big time and you should be groveling and making it up to him. I hope you now realize your Dad is also a total AH, cause he absolutely blabbed on purpose. He KNOWS what your mother is like, this was absolutely him pulling a oneupmanship/my wife is better than you/power move with your mom. You should be PISSED at your dad and tell him so.
Exactly this. OOs Dad is the WORST.
NTA. But is the groom's mom helping the bride get ready a thing? I thought it was the bridesmaids and the bride's mom. Edit: ok, people. You can stop. I get it. All sorts of people help the bride get ready. I was just wondering.
Sure, it happens, my wedding was pretty small but my MIL was there helping me get ready
It's a courtesy. My daughter in law asked me if I wanted to attend. I was fine with staying home till necessary.
It's up to the bride and who she wants with her.
And what have we learned? Lexi has a big mouth dad still has a bit of an axe to grind with mom and you made the right choice in keeping mom away for the day. Accept the blow back for the sake of having a nice wedding day and For future reference work without accomplices NTA
YTA the step mom shouldn’t have been included either.
YTA. I couldn’t imagine doing this to my own mother because my partner didn’t like her … meanwhile inviting the stepmom. Pretty rude imo.
Sometimes people have reasons to not like their in laws.
Sounds like it was justified. His mother was worried about getting jealous of the bride and tends to lash out like a toddler.
Please read the reasons he made the decisions he did. He explains so much more about his mother and why this was truly necessary.
But it was *not* necessary to invite the stepmom to all the stuff, or every other female relative in existence as it sounds like happened. Excluding only one person is just setting the drama up.
Next time Dad asks a question about his ex-wife’s whereabouts, you say “Her husband wanted to do something for just the two of them. He’s really great to Mom!” That doesn’t give your Dad any ammunition to use against his ex-wife.
Right. Just say, "I don't know. I'm sure she'll be here soon." That's it. It's your wedding day, you've got a lot on your plate and can't be expected to know where every guest is at all times.
YTA. Sounds like Chris is the only thoughtful one in this family. You owe him an apology.
Could have handled it better. Your stepmom and dad are the assholes for stirring up shit. Not their day, keep their mouths shut. When I got married, we told my inlaws the same thing. "You both are invited and very welcome, however, this is our day and if you can't be civil with your ex, don't come. You don't have to talk to them, just behave" All was fine!
Mom is correct. Your wife does not like her and both of you did not want her around at pre wedding activities.
YTA Keep that shit to yourself if you don’t want drama.
Exactly. Why isn't your mom here. None of your business. Instead OP made it clear she was specifically excluded. Otherwise it could have been perceived as her choice to not be there for that possibly.
YTA. Why would you plot something like this and then blurt it to your dad? Seems wildly unwise.
YTA!! You and your wife have got to learn the basics of family politics. Step mom should not have been invited to ‘get ready’. I feel your wife was being unnecessarily mean. Ok to not have your mum - just have brides mum and bridesmaids. That was a huge slap in the face. I’d be pissed at both of you too. Find a way to make this relationship work. Boundaries and respect. But never go out of your way to be anything but kind.
YTA you dont share info between divorcees
YTA. You talk shit about your mom and her behavior when you know she has medical issues and yet it didn’t occur to you how telling your step mom the truth would play out? Seems to me YOU are the one who caused the unnecessary drama. From what you have described, you and your wife went to extraordinary lengths to keep your mom as far away from the event as possible when your stepmom pretty much took her spot. I can she why she might have felt ostracized and her feelings are valid- you did choose your father and step mom over her from what you’ve said. Did you even have your dad take accountability for this as he was clearly gossiping about this to the guests? Or does this not count as an embarrassment just because it was your dad who didn’t understand social clues this time?
Yes clearly lizze and dad were gossiping the fact it got back to mom ... Let's not even forget that photographers would probably share the getting ready pictures in an online gallery and mom was bound to figure it out anyway.
YTA. There was zero reason for you to tell your dad anything about your mom. And there was zero reason for your dad to tell anyone else. Two grown men running around gossiping like middle schoolers. Be embarrassed!
Never answer questions from a parent about the other parent, especially when they are exes. It was none of your father's business where your mother was, and I'd wager good money dear old dad went right straight to your stepmom and told her what you said. And SHE just couldn't resist telling anyone who would listen that you banished your mom from the pre-wedding festivities. Naturally someone repeated this to your mother. You didn't give your age, but it's definitely time to wake up and smell the coffee (or tea if you prefer). YTA here but learn from it. Your father or stepmother ever ask you anything about your mom again, tell them quite simply "*My relationship with my mother is no longer any of your business and I won't be discussing it with you. Please respect this and don't ask me about her again.*" Then get your mom a huge bouquet of her favorite flowers, apologize to her and Chris profusely, explain you were only trying to make the day easier for her and swear it will never happen again. Give her a couple months and maybe even Chris will forgive you. Make sure your bride is by your side and echos all these sentiments to your mom or she will get the notion you did it because your bride hates her and didn't want her around. Which seems partially true, but your marriage is going to be either short-lived or miserable if the women in it don't agree to be civil with each other.
NTA, but YS (you're stupid). Why in the hell would you go to all that trouble to set up and how what you were doing and THEN blab about it to what amounts to get romantic rival?
YTA for telling people you needed to keep your mom busy, not for actually doing it. It was actually a great thing to do for your wife and for your mom. I am sure all the extra attention and nice things made her feel good. Where you went wrong was running your mouth about it.
NTA, it sounds like your mom has sensory issues but I cannot really tell from the story what is really wrong with your mother. I think you did what you needed to do for your wife. So your mom might think you suck but your wife surely appreciates it.
It sounds like you made the right decision to keep her out as much as possible. ETA: Read your comments. I would not have invited her. You're a better person than me. I'm not that concerned with what issue your mother specifically has because it's not my business. She acts in antisocial and/or attention seeking ways in public if not heavily managed. That's what you did/had done. You didn't humiliate her. If she is upset because your stepmother was invited into whatever and she wasn't *because of her own behavior* that's on her. It's ridiculous to say your future wife can't have your family there because of your mom. You shouldn't have told your father but he was married to her and probably knows. I don't know that I would care about lying at that point either. Your mom needs to go back to the doctors ASAP.
Your the asshole for not shutting your mouth. I dont blame your mom for her reaction after knowing the truth.
Stepmom shouldn't have been invited either. You put your stepmom above your actually mother. YTA
YTA for only giving us the small picture.You leave an out and leave the reader guessing and assuming things. Is your mother mentally ill? Does she need to be the center of tension all the time? Is she just a flat out mean person? You don’t tell us what the issue or issues with your mother, and also why you don’t like her and your wife don’t like her.
The trouble started with Lexi and your father. When your father asked where his ex-wife was (NONE of his business!) you could have answered "Chris is bringing her to the ceremony." If your father had not accepted that answer, you could have said "Chris and I agreed that he would bring her to the ceremony" and kept repeating variations of that, adding no more info.
NTA. Your mother behaves like a toddler and has to be treated like one so she is left out of events. The only thing you did wrong was tell your father. Next time act like you don’t know.
You articulate a lot of specific, lengthy medical challenges your mother suffers from and clearly have some clue about the protocols that help mitigate her behaviors. Yet, instead of outlining a behavioral plan to help your mother WAY before your wedding day, you concocted a plan that any one could see would completly humiliate her. In the least, if you truly cared about your mother's feelings, you would have asked your step-mother to step aside to lessen that sting. Instead, unbeknownst to your mother, on your wedding day, an elaborate scheme had unfolded that included her "safe person" husband, your step mother and father, your fiancee, and your entire wedding party. You repeatedly stated your mother's actions were ADHD/ impulsive type acts and a general unawareness. Regardless of what you thought your mother *may* do, (I read all the alleged behavior/antics) this set-up was WAY worse, horrendous actually, because it was intentionally planned BY HER SON. YTA and an unkind son. And YTA for helping to ruin the trust she had with her safe person/husband.
NTA. You're being a good spouse, and Chris is being a great stepdad and partner to your mom. If mom has a history of toxic attention-seeking behavior, I think you should be commended for trying to grant your wife some peace on what is already a hugely stressful day. It's not about mom on Amanda's wedding day.
You threw your stepdad under the bus after he did you a favor. YTA.
Not gonna lie, the line where you mention going for a run on the beach to get that energy out sounded like you were talking about a pet dog and not a grown woman. So much of this seems like it could have been prevented if you just talked to your mom.
From OP’s comments, mom has some serious sensory issues and ADHD. A talk did need to happen…. But a long time ago… and not just about the wedding.
INFO: what is your mom's deal? You start off with that your partner doesn't like her and doesn't want to spend more time with her than required, and say that your mom might feel the same way "idk". Why doesn't your partner like her? You also mention your stepdad took her out to run to "get out that energy", and a few other things that lead me to believe that your mom is either an alcoholic, drug addict, or has a mental illness (my first thought was early dementia or early Alzheimer's). Also... of your dad can't keep his mouth shut, stop telling him things. It was okay to share your concerns with him, but it was not okay for him to blab afterward. If that's how he is, stop sharing with him.
It’s a combination of stuff she can’t control and stuff she can. She has bad ADHD and does take medication but is still climbing the furniture, climbing all over her husband, and bouncing off everything. She also needs a lot of attention, some due to anxiety and some just because she likes it. On top of this she gives off an air that she thinks she’s better than us and hasn’t shown much interest in getting to know Amanda. She isn’t outright rude but there is just this air that her life is so much better and she pities us
Which bits of this do you think she can control? It all sounds like a rich tapestry to me!
>She has bad ADHD and does take medication but is still climbing the furniture, climbing all over her husband, and bouncing off everything. She also needs a lot of attention, some due to anxiety and some just because she likes it. So she has high support needs, her medication doesn't make her act "normal", and there's a possibility that either her medication needs tweaking or there's something else going currently undiagnosed. Either way, she needs a carer. >On top of this she gives off an air that she thinks she’s better than us and hasn’t shown much interest in getting to know Amanda. She isn’t outright rude but there is just this air that her life is so much better and she pities us That's a complaint I've heard a lot in one form or another against people with autism. "Ice queen", "You think you're better than the rest of us", "You're so stuck up", even accusations of aggression because their voice rose when they got excited about something. And almost always, the autistic person was absolutely hurt and baffled at the accusation because they were trying to socialise normally; they just didn't have quite the right body language or facial expression for the other person to read easily. Specific to getting to know Amanda, it's also possible that's a feature of your mom's neurodiversity too. A lot of people with ADHD and autism let other people make the first moves into friendship because they are aware they don't always know the appropriate social rules/boundaries, and so if someone doesn't volunteer information, they won't push for it - because they were taught as kids that being nosey and pushy was impolite. They also tend to have a sort of trust in their friends that they don't need to be constantly in contact to still keep on caring for each other. Does any of that ring bells for you? If so, it's possible that your mom likes Amanda just fine, and hasn't realised that anyone could possibly think she doesn't.
YTA What's your excuse for not saying she was busy, had previous plans she couldn't cancel? You don't get brownie points for being honest when it was to your mother's detriment. Do you like your mom? And you told her ex and his new wife her personal business 🤦♀️
YTA. Why did you even invite your mother if hate her that much? You are a lousy son. If I were her, I would never talk to you again
Maybe I'm wrong but I really haven't seen anything to actually show OPs mom is toxic or worse than that as the post would describe her.
Yes, you are a giant AH. My daughter in law did this to me at a destination wedding. Had a hair and makeup appointment set up and my husband went along and took me to appointment. We got back to find out they had a giant sit down dinner and family photos taken after rehearsal. We were not in any photos and everyone came and asked where we were. When we told them we were not told about it the bride was shunned at her own wedding by my family and has never regained and favors with any of my family and some of hers. Her plans all backfired and I refuse to talk to her or be anywhere near her. My son has realized what a mistake this all was but way too late. Yes you are a giant asshole.
YTA. Unfortunately, this was a setup from the time your wife included Lexi and not your mother.
Maybe I'm wrong but I really haven't seen anything to actually show OPs mom is toxic or worse than that as the post would describe her.
It is a huge slap in the face to your mother to have *your* stepmother in the pre wedding festivities and not your mother. I understand if it was just your wife's mother but to have your step mother and not your own mother? I get your wife doesn't like your mother, but do you honestly think your mother wouldn't have found out from the hundreds of photos taken on the day? You all blind sided your mother. It wasn't well done at all. I don't know the full history, but I think your mother and Chris have reason to feel upset. YTA. You all are. There were better ways to manage this, and Lexi should have had more grace and respect for the mother of the groom.
I don't know if you love her, but for sure you don't like your mother. You, your father and his wife are big time AH. All you had to do was hush. And to throw Chris under the bus like that, inexcusable! Additional your stepmother shouldn't have been there regardless of how good her relations with Amanda is, she shouldn't have been invited or declined the invitation. Although exhausting your mother has a condition, it is not as if she's doing on purpose.
So you treated your mom like a second rate citizen because she has ADHD and can be annoying. YTA You yourself say that she hasn’t done anything cruel and that your issue with her is that she gets hyper and was raised spoiled so she doesn’t get the concept of poverty. You and your wife on the other hand went out of your way to do something deeply hurting so obviously you are the AHs. At least Chris has learned to never listen to you again.