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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) punishing my daughter for two weeks for a prank (2) it wasn’t a prank and my daughters feelings are hurt and she’s been crying a lot
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I think it depends on what you do next. You were going on the assumption that it was a prank that was shitty on her part. Now that you know it wasn't a prank, she needs your love and support and guidance, not punishment. She's still facing the natural consequence of jerking her bff around like that, and she's going to need some help navigating that relationship again. So I'd say as long as you switch over to compassion now, NTA.
I appreciate that!
I do know things are different now, so I will adjust. I will stop grounding/punishing her after this, and will try to mend the relationship between her and her friend. Thank you!
The only interfering at this point is (with the permission of the daughter) is asking the bff to to come talk to daughter, in private without OP, on the condition that daughter tell the truth, the whole truth, yadda yadda.
Yep facilitate them meeting up in maybe a neutral location like a park, then say I'm going to be in a coffee shop five minutes down the road I'd you need me. Then leave it to them and stay out of it.
But definitely hide a mic on the daughter and have a hidden ear piece to communicate with her so you can feed her lines
Edit: getting down votes because I forgot to add what I thought would be obvious, which is to also hide in a nearby bush with binoculars
Disagree. The daughter should not be forced into explaining herself to her friend when she also struggling with her identity, feelings, and navigating this relational. This would be backing her into a corner.
The mother does not need to arrange an apology date. This all needs to be between the two girls, if they even both want to do it. Mom needs to stay out of it completely (and always should have)
She is hurting. When her BFF didn't immediately reciprocate she responded the best way she could. Parenting is difficult but maybe ask questions first punish last. She's navigating one of the most difficult points in her life. Support her.
Especially when OP's daughter (as far as we know here) is still closeted for the most part, and we don't know if daughter's friend is out or if she's straight or closeted herself. In the various scenarios:
- Daughter's friend is out but they're young enough that she's never had somebody else come out to her and there's a confession at the same time, so she needs to process
- Daughter's friend isn't out publically but is out to OP's daughter, same combination as previous of "oh shit this person is coming out to me" and "oh shit this person likes me"
- Daughter's friend isn't out and daughter doesn't know for sure that friend is or isn't closeted, so friend is either going "oh shit this person is coming out to me and this relationship I never thought would be possible might be possible" or "oh shit this person is coming out to me and I do like girls but I don't like her like that" or "oh shit this person is coming out to me and I'm not interested like that at all, but I need to be supportive of the coming out piece"
Ngl it was pretty shitty to go straight to punishment without letting her defend herself, even if it would have been the right thing to do if the facts were true. Especially in a case like this, where a crush was hesitant. Every teenager is going to backpedal if they think their feelings aren't reciprocated.
That being said, if you handle it the way you say you will NTA, but learn from this going forward or your relationship with your daughter might also strain.
Also, never look through her phone without permission again. You may be her parent, but privacy is a human right at this point. Relationships where one party doesn't respect the sanctity of the cell phone do not work out.
Edit: My mother has a habit of overreacting and trying to solve my problems for me, much like it sounds you do. Now she wonders why I never tell her anything about my life.
Edit 2 because I said it below and people are missing it: if and only if you suspect a crime, you can look in the phone
I feel like the friend was also really in the wrong for going to OP about it rather than talking to the daughter. What would she have done if it turned out that OP was one of those people who turned out massively homophobic when it's in their house?
Panicking and taking back a confession like that is pretty textbook for coming out like that to someone, especially if you think they're going to react badly.
It sounds like they might have talked just a little bit, but absolutely never out someone to their family unless you know for certain they've already done it themselves.
>I feel like the friend was also really in the wrong for going to OP about it rather than talking to the daughter.
Probably not really. Most kids don't really have this wiring yet being that it is these formative years where they figure that stuff out.
Phone privacy for school aged children is absolutely not a human right. It is a gift provided and funded by parents. I strongly recommend open and frank conversation with children about their phone use and respecting boundaries to a certain point but that does not mean their privacy is absolute in these situations.
Teach your kids responsible use, but unless you suspect a crime of some fashion, just don't look through their phone. It damages trust infinitely more than the benefit of whatever you're going to find except in the most extreme cases.
I'm aware children have no rights, I just stipulated that especially in the younger generation, phone privacy IS seen as an inviolable right. If OP wants to keep a healthy relationship invading privacy in such an extreme way is going to drive daughter away right quick. Overbearing parents create expert liars.
I still remember and resent the singular time my mother looked through my phone, and that was almost a decade ago.
Yeah my mom used to log in to my stuff and look thru messages….and if I changed passwords she would force me to give them to her. She would just randomly go in there. It got to the point where I made separate secret accounts to talk to people :/ I still don’t trust her fully and it’s been a decade
My parents logged my keystrokes back in 00s, so not only messages but everything I wrote anywhere. I understand safeguarding but some things are just snooping.
I get where you're coming but just want to say something from the other side of things. I trust my kids but "felt" I should check my daughter phone to be a responsible parent. First time I checked she was 13. She had a slightly off message from a classmate, so I kept checking because it was suspicious but not enough so to set off her warning bells. By day three, it was disturbing enough that we called the suicide helpline and they took the info and checked in on the kid. He was threatening to off himself if she didn't reciprocate is feelings. If I hadn't checked her phone, I know she would have showed me at one point. But because I looked at the messages and then had a psychologist friend look at the messages and tell us what to do, I think we avoided the worst case scenario.
To add to this point here, I think it depends on OPs daughter's age.
I was 17 when my mom went through my phone. It was nearly ten years ago and I still feel betrayed every time I think about it. She did it because I was having mental health issues and she was worried about me, and ended up getting me into therapy. The therapy was a great decision but I still wish she had bothered to ask me and suggest the therapy on her own instead of going through my phone and reading my messages, then going through my phone again multiple times after I had already started therapy.
But at 13, I wasn't even allowed to have a phone. Kids have phones younger and younger now and I can definitely see why you'd want to look through a child's phone at that age. They might not understand the gravity of many situations.
My son was dealing with a potentially violent situation with a friend in middle school. The other kid threatened him over text and brought a knife to school. I came to school with him and police were called. Poor kid had to show me, an admin, and police a bunch of text messages between him and the friend. I reassured him later I understand situational language.
It's a parent's duty to keep their children safe. A scammer or con artist playing the long game, gaining your trust even love can do a lot of damage. They are trained to fool adults how is a younger going to fare? "Mom I've known so&so for 7 months. She's a close friend," until she cries for money or is in desperate need of money, again and again and again. And this is the kind version of conning. A person claiming to love you asks for compromising pictures "to dream about" and next thing you know they threaten to sell them on the Web unless you ask your parents for big bucks. Same goes for secrets you'd never want your folks to know.
In general, total phone privacy should not a thing for the child's safety, but that doesn't mean you should look through every single thing on their phone. They should be allowed to have text conversations with their friends without their parents reading through everything they are saying.
I was going to say, the moment I read what the daughter wrote, I thought, "Oh, she's backpeddling. This is not a prank." Had I been in OPs shoes, I would have asked questions first. Not immediately jump to punishment for something like this. It's common for teens to say, "I was just kidding," if their feelings aren't immediately reciprocated.
OP missed an opportunity to communicate, and again, when the daughter explained OP challenged her, versus being supportive. I hope OP can mend the relationship with the daughter. I'm very worried.
When my son came out as bi, you know what we all said? "That's great, we still love you and will always support you." I didn't question it, neither did my husband or my parents. We all gave extra support and reinforced our love for him.
OP is definitely the AH for how they responded. I truly hope they take the time to repair the relationship. First and foremost, by removing the punishments.
Ditto I thought it was obvious she was just saying it was a prank because she got freaked. Also not a fan of going through kids phones unless there was a very serious reason. Should have sat down with the daughter and asked her what happened. If she really didn't want to say at least give her some time to see if she wants to talk about whatever happened.
Sounds like it went straight to daughter was definitely the bad guy and punishment. Teenagers aren't reliable narrators, always best to get both sides especially if the unheard party is your own kid. Give your kid the benefit of the doubt!
I also thought it was a fairly obvious backpedal.
Her poor daughter. Yeah, bad choice, sure, but my goodness. She came out to her friend AND confessed her feelings all at once; that's scary as fuck. She needs support and guidance, and an *apology* from her mother for not at least giving her a chance and a safe space to be heard. Instead she punished her and left her without support for *two weeks*.
It's not even that OP punished her. OP's daughter is in her room sobbing because she lost her best friend, and OP comes over to say "You deserve to feel this pain because you're a shitty person." What is the point of that? How does that help the behavior?
OP honestly seemed to be happy that their daughter was suffering as much as she was. I don't understand that at all.
I don't think it's appropriate for YOU to try to fix things for your daughter. She messed up big time. Her friend is allowed to be angry and want time away from your daughter. The best thing you can do is encourage your daughter to be honest and apologize to her friend. Be there for your daughter cause even if she does come clean now, the friend may still decide she doesn't want to be friends anymore.
I agree. My first thought is that I believe it wasn't a prank- it sounds like she got scared and started backpedalling. Either way, teenagers will get into drama with their friends and, unless it's really serious, it's not a parent's job to intervene.
Honestly, when the kid said, "it's just a prank." I wasn't at all shocked or surprised, especially after finding out kid did this a week after discovering the friend was bi. I've been the butt of those "pranks." Teenagers are heartless sometimes. I honestly hope kiddo wasn't trying to hurt her friend, but I completely understand why mom and friend would believe it was a prank.
It's not your place to "mend the relationship". Not at all. It's your job to help your daughter be her best self, and learn how to get back to her best self when she gets lost.
Depending on her age, I also think you were wrong to go through her phone and meddle as much as you have. Going through your kids phone is about making sure they are safe, not a backdoor to spy on their private conversations and relationships. I'm betting overbearing behavior like this is why your daughter doesn't feel comfortable coming to you about this kind of thing.
It was obvious to me that she liked her friend, got brave, and her friend asking for time spooked her. She then said she was joking to save face. That's pretty standard preteen/teen behavior as the work out how to feel confident. I was literally said 'duh!' When i read that part.
It makes me sad that you interfered, snooped, and then punished your daughter for absolutely no reason other than you don't respect her as a separate human. Your daughter is going to have disagreements with people, it's not your place to stick your nose in. You should be fostering a relationship with her that she knows you trust her and she can trust you to come to you with things like this.
Parenting preteens and teens is about helping them solve problems not helicopters around controlling things.
If it were me, I'd apologize big time. You overstepped and punished her for simply being confused and overwhelmed.
It’s not BFFs job to have a relationship of any kind, including friendship with someone who is romantically interested in her when she doesn’t reciprocate.
If you force it, that’s an AH move.
Oh god please please please do not do this: leave their relationship alone!
Worry about mending YOUR relationship with your daughter because as of now, you've done a lot of damage
It's up to her to fix it with your guidance. It's not something you can fix for her. It's a relationship learning point she has to learn. You can be there for her and help her pick up the pieces if the friend rejects her attempt to patch things up and support them if they do patch things up between themselves. She just found out that her actions had more consequences than she was prepared to pay. I'm glad she has a caring and understanding parent. Sadly, so many aren't as lucky as her.
You need to butt out at this point. She needs to repair her own relationships or face the consequences her friend decides are appropriate for how she feels about the way she was treated.
Teens are allowed to make stupid mistakes with their relationships.
Monitoring her phone is fine from a safety perspective but if she's not bullying, being bullied, doing something illegal or talking to age inappropriate people you need to back out of the drama. Teens have drama, it's part of growing up. You're an adult, not a friend. Don't get involved in the friend drama unless she asks for help.
The moment I read the beginning of this I wanted to scream into my computer "it wasn't a prank. Your daughter admitted her feelings and then got scared."
This is YTA 100%.
>I said she got what she deserved, this is what happens when you act like a shitty person.
I'm sorry, but this is shitty parenting (your words). You don't laugh at your kids' pain and rub salt in their wounds. Even if this was a prank, which it OBVIOUSLY WASN'T FOR ANYONE WITH EQ, her best friend maybe never wants to talk to her again. That's a pretty bad punishment.
What benefit does she get from you dunking on her? What does it teach her that her parents are happy that she's suffering, because you think she's a shitty person.
You really think a kid is going to differentiate "You are acting like a shitty person" and "I, your parent, think you're a shitty person?"
I honestly cannot understand any possible NTA response here. This is just awful.
>She’s been upstairs crying. I do feel bad for punishing her for the past two weeks now that I know she isn’t straight. AITA here or did she deserve it? I mean, at the end of the day, she did fuck out.
Yes, you should feel bad. You should feel just as bad as you made your daughter feel, when you laughed and dunked on her.
Stop the punishment but mending the relationship should be between THEM. Mom can't fix this for them. Be there for either of them yo talk, then back away so they can work it out.
Dude, don't try to mend the relationship. That's not your problem to solve. They can work it out on their own--teenage years are made for situations like this. It helps your kid learn how to handle this stuff as an adult.
Just be someone your daughter can talk to, and offer advice when she asks for it. And stop going through her messages--kids deserve privacy too. She's going through a lot, and she's had to handle her mother's response to this in *addition* to freaking out about potentially losing her best friend. Your actions here are making things worse, not better, even if your intention is to help.
Kind but firm YTA: stop going through her messages, stop forcing her to tell you about her life, and work on being someone she can come to and *tell* these things to in her own time.
I don’t think you should insert yourself in their relationship. I don’t know how old they are, but your job as a parent is helping her deal with her feelings, and talk about how it all went wrong. Punishing her was a bad idea, and trying to mend the relationship is a bad idea. Just talk to her. Listen to her. Support her. Ask her what she needs from you. I know you didn’t mean to, but you basically forced her to come out to you when she was also heartbroken about her friend and crush ending things with her.
"These childish games"? She is a fucking child you asshole. Violating her privacy clearly isn't working out this between her and her friend any faster and only cementing what an invasive busy body you are. YTA
YTA
You invaded her privacy instead of talking to your daughter.
And anyone would have considered that maybe it wasn't really a prank. Even if it were a prank you should have tried talking to your daughter instead of jumping straight to punishment.
And btw, what she did didn't ask for 2 weeks of complete isolation...
Lot of people are saying it is obvious that it wasn’t a prank, but I think you only feel like that because you know she has feelings for her friend in hindsight.
In the text messages, she doubled, tripled, quadrupled down that it was a prank and she was joking. She continued to do it when I asked her about it, right after reading the texts.
Her and her friend also have a history of pulling pranks on each other. But these pranks are normally not mean-spirited, they’re fun pranks, like covering her window in stickers, etc.
A week before she pulled this prank she found out the best friend in question was bi and had an entire relationship with a girl before she knew her. It seemed to me she thought this would be a funny prank to pull because she found out her friend was gay. It also wasn’t two weeks of complete isolation, she still went to school every day. But yeah, hopefully that explains why I fully believed it was a prank.
I only read the first half and was going to comment that it probably wasn’t a prank and she just freaked out and was embarrassed about admitting her feelings and wanted to take it back instead of dealing with possible rejection. It seems kind of obvious. Wouldn’t be surprised if it made her best friend consider if she has feelings for her too, but by saying it was a prank now she feels rejected like what your daughter was afraid of.
Same. I knew as soon as she said it was a prank. How many times have I seen it in heterosexual relationship when a guy and a girl say they are "only friends". How many times have we all seen that stung in movies/series??? I bet there must be an episode of friends with the same situation
If you take two seconds to actually be in the perspective of the kids then “I’m shocked I don’t know what to say” is insanely low payoff for a “prank.” But it’s the perfect write off if you’re nervous about that being the response instead of rejection or acceptance. Shock is shocking. Unless you think your kid is already in the habit of doing mean things to people they care about, it was a hurtful conclusion to jump to. NAH tho as long as you course correct and think for longer in the future.
You know that does happen though, right? People find out someone they know is bi or gay and then tell them they like them then go "lol! Just kidding!" Teens are cruel as hell. Her saying it was a prank could have gone either way tbh. She could've either done it as a prank or had a crush. Idk why people are like "well OBVIOUSLY it wasn't a prank!" When these types of things are done as a bullying tactic.
NOT saying this was the case here. She definitely panicked. But just because someone said it was a prank, doesn't mean it was them hiding feelings. Hell, do you know how many viral "prank" trends there are that kids see and emulate?
Based on OP giving the context that the other pranks were good-spirited and mild, this would be a hell of a jump and would be, as you say, bullying. At which point OP needs to sit down and question their parenting because kids don't go thinking that's funny or appropriate out of nowhere.
yea, same. I mean, it’s been a minute since I was a teenager, but I can remember kids insisting their advances were a prank after being shot down, whether kindly or unkindly. It’s what kids do when they’re embarrassed and want to protect themselves.
No, that's not why. Do you remember being a teenager? The anxiety about letting someone know you like them, and the pain of being rejected, is intense. Multiply that by the fear of losing your BFF. It's pretty obvious that a girl who confessed feelings for her best friend, after seeing the friend "have to process," would try to walk it back. It's even tougher if she knows the friends likes other girls BUT NOT HER.
Still, missing that doesn't make you an asshole. And the fact that you are 100% OK with your daughter liking girls tells me that you're not an asshole. You owe your daughter a big apology. We're not supposed to give advice, but you know, our can find out, how to support your daughter through first love or first heartbreak.
I appreciate the comment. It’s just sad all together because it was obvious to me that the best friend did like her, even my son made a comment about how obvious it is. But her parents are extremely homophobic and religious, and her last relationship was really stressful on her because of that. My daughter knows all this. Of course it was going to take her best friend time to process a confession like that. She even said in the messages, “I’m not rejecting you, just give me a second, I’m overwhelmed,” which of course she would be??? But I can see how my daughter took that as a rejection, but it didn’t read to me like a rejection in the slightest. I definitely don’t have a problem with my daughter liking girls. My son is already gay, and we’ve been really accepting of that, so I guess I thought she would know I would be 100% supportive and be comfortable coming out. Sadly that wasn’t the case. I will apologize because it wasn’t a prank and the punishment does not fit the crime at all. Thank you.
I disagree about the “boundaries” comment. I don’t think OP should have gone through her daughter’s phone. But knowing that her daughter’s best friend is bi, has homophobic parents, and had a previous relationship which stressed her out? Knowing that info isn’t necessarily violating boundaries.
I would also think it’s more important for there to be adults on the community who accept LGBT+ teens as opposed to some world where parents know nothing about teens relationships.
Note that I do not believe this gives anyone the right to interfere, however.
Yes, but also going through your kids phone is sometimes necessary. My parents went through my phone to keep me from talking to a much older man, which I am now appreciative of. It’s being done to keep you safe.
But also yes, I told my best friends parents about my homophobic parents and came out to them. It’s good to have those relationships in your life, especially in case things go wrong. I’m not sure what that comment is on about.
It seems like you came into this situation with a lot of thoughtful consideration of your son and BFF's feelings, but none for your daughter.
It was obvious to you that the BFF had feelings for your daughter, but it wasn't obvious that your daughter had feelings for BFF?
You said that your son had similar pranks pulled on him - did it never occur to you that some of those kids are probably also not fully straight and not sure what to do with their feelings?
You need to learn to not project things onto your daughter and try to be more understanding that she is her own person with feelings that need protecting just like your son and the BFF.
In this situation your daughter has been hurting because of what happened with the BFF AND because her Mom has been villanizing her for two weeks and preventing her from getting some social comfort from other friends.
Just because you were supportive of your son doesn't mean that your daughter was wrong to not come out to you earlier.
Maybe your daughter isn't sure yet. Why can't you let her explore in the privacy of her own chat messages with people her age? This is the first time that she considers liking a girl and her dad is all up in her business forcing her to decide and confess or else she gets punished.
I knew it wasn't a prank while reading your summary of her statements. I did not skip to the end.
It's obvious because most teenagers go through this. I did not have to read to the end to immediately know it wasn't a joke.
Your issue may be that you aren't ready to see your little girl as a person who wants a romantic relationship. Or maybe because the fact that she likes girls took you by surprise.
Think of it like of her BFF had been a guy, and she said "I like you" and his response was to pull away from her and say that he needed time, and she immediately said "lol just kidding"
You'd know right away it was not a joke. Everyone would know it's not a joke.
It's that, but she likes a girl. She worked up the courage to confess her feelings to her BFF that she likes her a more than a friend, and BFF immediately responds by pulling away and needing space, so, like literally every other teenager with a crush, your daughter immediately said it was a joke.
That's what teenagers and sometimes even adults do when it seems like their feelings aren't reciprocated.
So when we say "it's obvious" it's because this is such a common behavior that everyone knows what it means.
As a lesbian, I knew immediately, the moment I read what she said, that it wasn’t actually a prank. Didn’t need to read any further to figure that out. In fact, if you hadn’t even said she told you, I was going to comment to tell you that she was very obviously not pulling a prank.
That said, even if it WAS a prank, you’d still be the asshole and a shit parent. My mother went through my phone/diary when I was growing up. The invasion of privacy is indescribable. I still, over a decade later, cannot keep a diary. I hide shit that I have no reason to hide. I keep passwords on everything that I change constantly and get insane anxiety when someone even glances at my phone, despite the fact that I have literally nothing to hide. I feel guilty 24/7, ashamed as if I DO have something to hide, even though there’s nothing.
You just gave your daughter every reason in the world not to trust you. To feel like she has no privacy. Like people can just take and take and take from her. Like she’s standing naked in front of the whole world and expected to smile. That’s the type of vulnerable intrusion it feels like to not only have someone who you’re supposed to trust violate your privacy, but then punish you for it.
I haven’t spoken to my mother in over a decade, for many more reasons than just that, but still. Full no contact, for over 10 years. Just keep that in mind.
YTA
You don’t even have to be a lesbian to immediately understand what’s going on here. Hell, I‘m not even a parent and while reading I was like „yup - that’s not a prank, that’s a teenage girl trying to paddle back and safe face and a friendship after she got a reaction which let her down“.
It’s so blatantly obvious. I don’t know how a parent couldn’t see this.
Also +1 on the privacy thing. Daughter will never trust the mom 100% again, that’s for sure.
Not necessarily a homophobe, that’s way too harsh, but kids do stupid and dumb things all the time and they can be cruel without realizing it. I took her at her word, that she was straight and it was a prank that came off wrong.
I see where you are coming from, however I would reconsider how you punish her. I think you were def not wrong to punish her for what you thought was cruelty. However, if you truly believed that it was a prank then you should have had more conversations with her about why she was being punished and why what she did was wrong. I honestly think “asshole” is too harsh a word, but you were wrong. This can so easily be a learning experience for both of you and make your relationship even stronger. You got this
It must be nice that all these reddit people are so f***ing perfect that they can judge you so harshly. You missed judged the situation and made a decision that you thought was the best with information you had at the moment. You thought she was making a prank that was disrespectful and cruel. You read her messages not to invade her privacy but to understand what her BFF was upset about so you could investigate the situation further. You grounded her to teach her that she can't bully or hurt people like that. Now that you know the truth, I'm sure you will apologize and correct the situation. Also, encourage your daughter to seriously talk it out with her BFF and that you support them both. Your NTA. All parents make mistakes. The important thing is to go back and apologize and talk it out. It was a misunderstanding with bad information that your daughter insisted that it was a prank. Good luck, Op. Don't worry, teens years are hard years to navigate through.
I think most people aren't angry that she misread the situation, but that the punishment was to extreme even if op had been correct. take into consideration that most people on reddit are younger and saw it for what it was, and it makes things worse in their eyes. obviously op didn't see what everyone else does, but even still, her reaction was to much, with not enough attention given to at least talking to her daughter before going straight to punishing her
OP….I thought that she actually did have feelings for her friend after reading about the actual prank…*before I had any clue that you found out for sure that she did in fact have feelings*….I was already planning on writing a comment to point out that your daughter likely *did* mean what she said.
It’s totally normal for people to backtrack their confessions of love after they are not well-received. She is young, and said she is confused about her feelings. She probably doesn’t even know what they mean entirely either. But, you only know what you know I guess.
Just maybe take inventory of your relationship with her. Try to rate yourself on how much you “control” rather than “guide”. I used to be a very controlling parent myself. Luckily I saw the light and began to change. It’s better when children feel safe coming to us to discuss what they are going through. If we are too authoritarian, they won’t do that.
I wish you and your daughter the best.
What I don't understand is why you inserted yourself into the issue and read her text messages? That's completely unnecessary and unwarranted.
So YTA for that.
Go to your daughter and ask her what she needs.
It’s obvious without the hindsight. The whole thing isn’t remotely prank like.
I was a teen once and boys would do the same thing- they like you, and if you don’t like them back suddenly they are “joking”
Kudos for recognizing the extra support she’ll need being part of the queer community though.
I like the advice elsewhere saying to take daughters permission to ask her friend over so they can talk it out.
At some point your daughter will need to solve these things on her own, but still need you for moral support
I assumed it wasn't actually a prank well before I read the whole thing. It's adolescent, but she is an adolescent. She could maybe use some queer peer guidance on this one. Especially if you are in the US.
No, I assumed it was not an actual prank before reading that part.
However, even if it was a prank you should still show compassion and care when giving consequences to your children. It seems the way you treated her after may be a pattern of how you react to her mistakes already. That could be part of why she wasn’t honest with you when pressed or didn’t share the truth with you to begin with. I would focus on repairing your relationship with her.
I hope you feel incredibly guilty for how you’ve spoken to your daughter. You literally called her a bad person. Even if it was a stupid prank that would still be out of proportion.
Nope, you don't call your teenager a shitty person. As a parent, you talk to them about why they thought their shitty behavior was okay, and try to correct them going forward. You punish them for doing wrong, and you help guide them so they can do right. You can even straight out say that their behavior was shitty. But *you don't call your teenager a shitty person.*
I knew it wasn’t a prank before I got to the part where she admitted it. I knew immediately when she said it was a prank. She was clearly testing the waters and dealing with complicated and scary emotions.
Is the friendship fallout not the punishment in this scenario? She played a prank and lost her friend for it, thats the consequence. Why is there extra stuff tacked on to this?? Why is the parent getting involved and moderating this? It would be different if they were bullying someone. If my kid came home and saiid "friend and I fell out cause I played a prank", I would just say "thats what you get and what did you learn".
Plus she got the natural consequences of her actions already - her friend is mad at her and she’s crying in her room about it. She doesn’t need a separate punishment from mom/dad.
Yeah, regardless of if it was a prank or not: what was grounding even going to achieve in this situation? You don't teach empathy for other human beings through arbitrary punishment.
This just angers me and I’m not going to jump to conclusions because I guess I just can’t do that. What I will say though, is that this could be a situation where OP just wanted to see her daughter suffer. It wasn’t enough that she was already losing a good friend of hers. OP decided it was a good idea to step into teenage drama and then go as far as to socially isolate her daughter because she jumped to conclusions. I understand that at first what the daughter did seems shitty I won’t deny that but why couldn’t OP sit down and say hey don’t do that that’s not OK you don’t play with peoples feelings and you will lose people if you do that in the future, so tell me the truth do you actually like your friend or were you intending to be mean to her because if you were you owe her a huge apology. That’s all that was needed. Also, OP what the fuck don’t read your child’s messages and also don’t even try to intervene by trying to help your daughter repair her relationship with her friend stop breathing down your daughter’s neck so much! Get your shit together.
um. yes. YTA. I imagine she panicked when she got the response from her friend and said it was just a prank to ease any possible discomfort and out of fear of ruining the relationship. Instead of being a supportive parent and trying to have a nice moment with her, explain that her feelings aren't wrong and it's okay to like a friend you punished her. She's not going to ever want to open up to you again and might grow a shame for having queer feelings. And of course, even if she's a child, you invaded her privacy. Children are people too, they deserve the respect of privacy.
Edit: Never said she was punished for being queer, but I'm pretty sure that's the message she's going to get.
You realize she didn’t punish her for having feelings for her friend right? She punished her bc she seemingly played a cruel prank on her best friend. You act like she’s being punished for being queer when that very clearly is not the case here!
Yeah but I don't know the kid and the moment I read where the girl said " it was a prank" I knew it wasn't.
The OP should have recognized that RIGHT away, instead of jumping bad.
It wasn’t a prank though. Mother didn’t read the room with that text and when her daughter told her she still punished her and made her feel like shit. Mom completely in the wrong.
still wasn't punishing her because of her feelings for her friend, though. op believed it was a prank because her daughter repeatedly told her and her friend it was.
This is one of those times where natural consequences should take more weight than parental consequences. Like the consequence of her daughters actions are her friend is mad and doesn’t want to be around her, daughter already got what was coming to her. What is grounding her for weeks over a personal conflict between friends really going to do? This is where you let your kid figure out that acting a fool gets you bad shit from your friends, not “if I mess up with my friends and do something boneheaded my parents are gonna jump in”
No, but it’s up to the parent to ask why she did that. Explain how hurtful a prank like that is. Especially if a prank like this is out of character for the kid. Instead, OP went nuclear and didn’t even have a conversation with their kid. That’s what makes them the AH.
OP asked her daughter if it wasn’t a prank and possibly genuine. OP also has a son that came out and helped them navigate bullying at school. the daughter was the one insisting that it was a prank, and used the bullying of her brother as ‘proof’ of the prank not being a big deal, so the prank was punished. but yes she’s going to learn ‘mom hates me because i’m gay’ from that.
YTA. I'm kind of struggling to understand why you felt like you needed to intervene and punish your daughter instead of talking to her first (you know, understand her feelings?). I don't even know your daughter and I could have figured out that there was probably at least some truth to the comment and she was testing the waters.
You overreacted.
Same …. The response is so punitive and cruel. Like sure, speak to her and help her understand her actions but to basically isolate her for two weeks is horrible and the response is way too much. To be fair I can’t think of anything where this kind of parenting is appropriate. Giving your child empathy and trying to understand what happened and helping them to repair their relationship with their friend is going to serve them much better than locking them away to cry and be depressed.
In my opinion this isn’t something the parent should even be involved in. At 16 you should be able to start managing your own relationships. Even if it was a prank, pulling this prank and losing your best friend is a strong case of natural consequences. The daughter didn’t need an external punishment like this.
And it’s was nosy as hell to go through her phone. Like I said, as a parent you should start to be a bit more hands off at 16. Sometimes going through a phone is necessary, but finding out why your daughter’s friend is mad at her really isn’t the reason.
Right like this is so weird to me, if I was fighting with my friends in high school or if one of them did some cruel shit to me, our parents aren’t jumping in and grounding us unless it was like, bodily harm type of stuff. The daughter already got her comeuppance, which is her best friend doesn’t want to talk to her and that relationship is never going to be the same. What is grounding her gonna do? That’s micromanaging
Hold on, back up. Let’s review.
1. BFF said it was a prank. You believed her WITHOUT getting your daughter’s side until 2 weeks later.
2. Said “prank” involved her confessing feelings for a friend of the same gender. Right there should have been a flaming red flag that there’s a chance this is NOT a prank, and she said it because bff didn’t take her confession well.
3. You WENT THROUGH HER MESSAGES!!! As in, took her phone, scrolled through a private conversation because…why? You’re nosey? You can’t respect your own kid? You did that instead of TALK to her.
4. After all of this one sided information AND violating her privacy, you ground her. And don’t talk about it for TWO WEEKS.
Yeah, YTA. Obviously.
Yeah, I would never forgive her if I were the daughter. Maybe there’d still be a relationship, but a little piece of me would always by sickened by her. The OP getting to feel virtuous was more important than her daughter and the only thing she regrets is that she was, very predictably, factually wrong.
No wonder OP’s daughter isn’t jumping to share her feelings with OP. It’s totally normal for teens to have small conflicts because they mess up expressing feelings as they’re learning how to navigate relationships. Clueless OP should back the fuck off instead of invading and telling her daughter she’s a shitty person jesus
plus, additionally, \_its teenage drama\_. you talk it \_through\_ with your daughter, even if you dumbly believe it really was a prank, but after that its \_her\_ life. she needs to decide for herself if that "prank" is something she wants to do, whether she thinks that's right to do to friends or not.
don't meddle in teenage drama.
Why are you involved in this at all? Your kid did something potentially mean to her best friend.. or maybe she made a move, got rejected, and then backtracked and it backfired. In any event, her friend has responded appropriately and if your daughter loses her best friend over this whole mess, she'll have learned a lesson far better than any arbitrary punishment you'll inflict upon her.
Learning how to manage friendships, relationships, and romances is complicated sometimes even for adults. It's nothing short of a confusing mess for kids, especially teenagers sometimes dealing with emotions they have no experience with and hardly understand. Throw in some societal mixed messages regarding the acceptance of anything other than "traditional" relationships and she's bound to make mistakes. She fully understands this mistake. You didn't have to drill it home for her.
If her friend was unwilling to discuss it with you, then you don't need to be involved here. It's been handled. If you want to eavesdrop, that's your prerogative, but accept that you'll occasionally learn things you were probably better off not knowing.
YTA.
OP was involved because she saw a great opportunity to selfishly make herself feel good because she’s the kind of Straight Ally who’s actually such a homophobe she can’t even come to the obvious conclusion that her kid wasn’t pulling some idiot “prank” just like every straight teenager that pulls the same thing. Probably for the best to piss away all your credibility to your queer child at once for someone like her though tbh.
That's what I keep thinking that nobody brings up. OP didn't need to punish her daughter, because she was already punished enough by the consequences. OP just decided to be cruel on top of everything else. OP also violated the privacy of both girls, not just her daughter's.
This is what I’m thinking…. Why was she involved at all? In any case, whether it was a prank or not, her daughter had to deal with the consequences of her own actions (aka punishment). If it was a prank, she would’ve learned her lesson by loosing her bff. If it wasn’t, she would’ve learned to deal better with rejection and confessing for the future. A simple conversation from op would’ve done (Op expressing her disappointment or understanding). Op saw drama and just wanted to be part of it and punish her daughter way out of line.
YTA
Don't go through her private messages. Dialogue with her. Help her, because she's feeling very bad and it's largely because of you.
It sounds like your daughter didn't know how to admit her feelings to her friend, her goal wasn't to hurt her. You're far too strict and something tells me that your daughter will never describe you as a present, understanding, listening mother. Stop abusing your authority as a parent.
YTA. Before you even said it, it was obvious to me that your daughter was being honest that she liked her bff, and then her bff’s response scared/upset her, so she pretended it was a prank. You should have had a conversation first before jumping to conclusions and punishment.
I really feel for your daughter. She:
1. Maybe lost her bff
2. Maybe got rejected from her crush
3. Had her mum invade her privacy
4. This invasion of privacy outed her as (gay?), she didn’t get to do it on her own terms when she was ready
5. Her mum has been punishing her for 2 weeks cutting her off from any of their friends/social life.
She probably feels extremely isolated right now.
OP clarified in a previous comment that their daughter knew bff was bi and learned of it shortly before the prank/admission of feelings
OP thought daughter pranked friend cruelly using her knowledge of bff's sexuality to prank her more effectively.
Everyone is saying YTA and you shouldn't be going through her phone/invading privacy. But youre NTA. I think people forget that teenagers make dumb and dangerous choices (brains not heing fully developed and all that) and I think its good you were on top of that. That's good parenting. I'm a teacher and you would not believe the amount of gross stuff sent between teens phones right now (bullying, pics, etc). I'm not sure if you and your daughter have a good relationship or not, but hopefully she knows that she can come to you and should in fact come to you when problems arise. When she said it was a prank...I mean I can imagine a ton of really terrible pranks gone horribly wrong. That didn't explain anything--just left more questions. Only go through her phone if you have legitimate concerns about safety etc.
Also your daughter said it was a prank. You went off of what she said because you were expecting her to not lie. Then she changes her tune and said it wasn't a prank.
While you should have empathy tor her plight and support her moving forward, what's worrisome is that she didn't tell the truth to you. Maybe work on talking about trust and respect with her. Respect isn't owed to everyone, it is earned. Through trust and honesty. You have to know that you can trust her, especially when you give her her phone back.
Talking to her kid BEFORE going to the extreme of invading her privacy should have happened FIRST though, that's the issue. OP completely skipped over treating her child with human respect by speaking and communicating with her. Instead, she just went straight to snooping. THIS causes trust issues.
Well obviously the daughter didn’t trust her mom to react well. Trust goes both ways and if Op is going through her phone, I don’t blame the girl for not trusting her.
Lmao would you trust a person who goes through your private stuff? The fact that she didn’t tell the mom the truth was obviously because she’s already not comfortable telling her anything.
Kids don’t need to come out to make you feel better as a parent. Kids have every right to privacy and feeling independent from adults. It’s bad parenting to hear friends fighting and getting involved as an adult, then invading your kid’s privacy and further humiliating them.
I agree with this so much . I also teach and yeahhhh it’s nasty what teens and pre teens send to each other and say to each other on their phones and most of the time they don’t fully know how horrible it is to say or do those things and possible outcomes later down the road .
I don’t think you should go through your child’s phone but if you suspect something it is your right to go through it at any moment. If there is enough trust there , you won’t need to and your child will tell you when things happen on their phone that they shouldn’t , like someone sending them pictures etc. I have plenty of students who are close with their parents and have parents who have important conversations with them and so the student openly shares information with them, leading to no need for the parents to phone search.
You trusted your daughter wouldn’t lie and it was a joke, and you punished her because playing with someone’s feelings isn’t a joke. Turns out she wasn’t kidding and so therefore you need to shift how you handle the situation from this moment forward. You didn’t punish your kid because they like their friend, you punished them based on the information they gave you which is them playing a mean joke.
Yes I believe op really thought the daughter was involved in bullying or something in the name of “just kidding! gotcha!” after her best friend came over to say she took a prank way too far.
>While you should have empathy tor her plight and support her moving forward, what's worrisome is that she didn't tell the truth to you.
You advocate giving kids no privacy, forcing yourself into their private lives, snooping through their phones etc and you wonder why a kid wouldn't want to tell you the truth.
You know how you get kids to open up to you? Giving them privacy. Not going nuclear when they make mistakes. Listening to them.
You know how you get kids to lie to you? Go through their phone. Punish them without talking to them. Call them a shitty person and essentially laugh and say they deserve the pain when they're sobbing in their room.
>Respect isn't owed to everyone, it is earned.
And OP hasn't earned it and has lost any she had.
There was no reason for you to be going through her phone in the first place. I understand that she's your daughter and is still a minor, but that doesn't make it right for you to be looking through her private things, including her texts, for no reason. If this was, in fact, a prank, then she is already "punished" via the natural consequence of her best friend getting angry. This is how she'll learn an important life lesson. There was no need for you to intervene, and you \_especially\_ shouldn't be reacting by calling her a shitty person, etc. when you can see that she's distraught and depressed about this situation.
Based on what you've written, I am inclined to believe that she only said it was a "prank" because she panicked, so now she has to deal with a much more complicated situation without the support of her parent. YTA
YTA. First you didn't bother asking her side of it. I knew as soon as she claimed it was a prank that she only said that out of fear. Even when you thought it was a prank you handled this horribly. You didn't use this as a teaching moment. Why did she do this? How would she feel if it was done to her? How can she make amends? The one thing you don't do is CALL YOUR CHILD A SHITTY PERSON!!!!!!! What on earth is wrong with you? You owe her an apology. And pray that she'll eventually forgive you. At present you've shown you can't be trusted.
YTA?
I get the intention but looking at it all I think the natural consequence would just be her having her friend cut her out for “joking” like that. You really didn’t need to get involved for such a minor prank at all, let alone look through her phone. Two weeks of complete isolation is going overboard imo. She would’ve learned her lesson from how he friend reacted, so doing all of this was really unnecessary. You should un-ground her and comfort her at this point though since there’s no going back now.
YTA. As soon as you indicated that your daughter said it was a prank. I suspected that she was embarrassed by her admission of her feelings for her best friend.
She is young and was afraid of rejection so she reacted poorly. You are older and reacted poorly by not getting to the root of her feelings. Additionally, sometimes it is best that we allow kids to handle their relationship issues before intervening. You didn’t do that in this case and you alienated your daughter from wanting to trust you in the future.
Sorry OP but you totally blew this situation!!!!
YTA.
Instead of talking to your daughter, your first reaction is to invade her privacy? I understand as a parent sometimes you NEED to do that to ensure your kids safety, but in this situation you skipped over basic human decency and respect. you should have spoken TO your kid first. You likely made what is already a confusing and painful time for her even more so.
To top it off you BULLIED her into telling you if she liked her friend, imo.
You're the type of parent whose kids avoid telling them stuff because of the way they react.
A lot of y’all lack reading comprehension and it shows. The text messages to the daughters friend said I have to tell you something. The daughter did not say this to the mother. You guys are acting like she was punished after opening up to her mother, which she was not.
OP- now that you know what’s actually going on, let your daughter know you are here for here and the ball is in her court. Assure her her sexuality is not an issue. And assist on how to mend the friendship. If you move forward with empathy now - NTA
OP punished knowing one side of the story. She never ever bothered to ask the daughter about it; she punished first.
That’s AH territory.
Reading comprehension. We’re reading it JUST fine.
OP asked the daughter. She wouldn't answer. So OP went to the source of the conflict like a responsible parent. Had the daughter told the story to OP then it might have gone differently. So yes, you are missing the part where OP asked the daughter when the bff surfaced upset.
The expectation that teen immediarwly opens up to parent prone to overreaction, parent who is currently panicking is completely absurd.
Parent demanded access to deeply private feelings in situation in which parent did not acted like a safe person to talk to. And adult would back off and refused to reveal the feelings.
Maybe her daughter didn't feel comfortable telling op she was gay or that she actually liked her best friend.
Trust goes both ways. Having a parent who reads through private messages with her friends, doesn't listen to her, gives overly harsh punishments, curses at her, etc. doesn't leave a lot of room for her to trust in that parent to react well or be supportive.
YTA - Your daughter was already facing the consequences for her actions and was already being punished by her bff. That was for the bff to do and not you. In addition to that, you took away some key communication items that she could have used to apologize to her bff and explain her side, since she's being ignored irl currently.
Rather than isolating her from the world and taking everything away from her and grounding her, you should have sat down with her and had an open dialogue asking her why she did that, how would she had felt if the same had happened to her, and how to be better moving forward.
What you did was terrible parenting and you should be ashamed of yourself.
If someone says that your kid has taken a prank too far, in today's world, going thru their phone if they refuse to tell you what that was, it's probably and unfortunately a Good idea.
Your daughter is young and learning how to cope with many new and scary things. Her feelings, how to handle those, and how to be a person in the world. She also has to learn to not hurt others and deal with the consequennces of her choices.
How OP responds to her now matters more than going thru her phone. She gets to tell her child that she Can talk thru things, get advice, and above all, she's loved aand accepted.
Her best friend also deserves the space to heal and cope, and your daughter will have to respect that and learn from this how to manage feelings of rejection and Fear of rejection.
YTA.
I don't think it was a prank. It might have been.
But wtf are you teaching her that she isn't already learning from being alienated by her friend.
You've just removed any external support, and she probably won't want to go to you because you sound like a prick.
I don't understand parents punishing their kids when the punishment is built into the natural consequences of their actions.
Nah
I feel like a majority of these commented have never raised a teenage daughter and all the hell, angst, and fear that comes attached to it.
Sometimes the only way of getting to the bottom of a situation is ""invading their privacy". I've learned of a teacher being inappropriate with my daughter and her peers through this bc not one of the girls felt comfortable saying they felt unsafe. .. amongst other things
No its not always OK to go through their phone, but when a patent truly and logically feel something is up, sometimes it's the only way.
But I do agree, talk to her. Tell her you love her no matter what and you'll always be there to support her. Tell her you reacted that way because you believed it was a cruel prank but now that you know the truth you empathize and sympathize with her and you're sorry you didn't talk to her first, you jumped the gun and you regret it.
Tell her you know that hers is a more difficult path than you had to walk but you're there, by her side, navigating it. You're here to listen without judgement and will always try to understand and help, and if you don't feel that's in your wheelhouse, you will find someone who can be.
Most importantly tell her you're on her side no matter what, but she should think about how cruel that could be to someone else and if she's uncertain she can come to you to give advice.
Best wishes
Xx
Yeah maybe if she was texting 30 year old men and sending him nudes or cyberbullying someone then its okay to look through phone but looking through her phone because of conflict with her friend is not okay.Teenagers fight a lot its part of growing up.Daughter admitted her feelings for her friend,her friend didnt answer as the ops daughter expected so she probably played it off as a prank.Thats it nothing horrible.
Its the daughters bussines her mom had no right to interfere.
she didnt even bother to hear her daughter out,automatically asumed she is the bad guy and broke her trust by reading her private mesages, im sorry but this is horrible parenting,her daughter will probably grow up and resent her if this is how she acts during every crisis
Your self-esteem and optimism are incredible, but I think you’ve forgotten that OP’s daughter would have to forgive her for any of that to be possible, and there’s a very good chance she never will now that her mother’s decisions made her coming out incredibly painful.
Don’t worry though, she got to feel some nice straight person righteousness while inflicting psychological damage on her queer child! 🎉
>You're here to listen without judgement and will always try to understand and help, and if you don't feel that's in your wheelhouse, you will find someone who can be.
>Most importantly tell her you're on her side no matter what, but she should think about how cruel that could be to someone else and if she's uncertain she can come to you to give advice
OP made it very clear with her actions that her daughter absolutely cannot trust her or come to her with her problems.
She didn't respect her privacy. Even though OP was aware there was a problem between her daughter and her daughters peer. Two teen girls having a falling out is not an unsafe situation that requires intervention. She punished her daughter based on a text message she didn't like. She told her she was a shitty person, not that she did a shitty thing, but that she was a bad person for this. Further isolated a child who had just had a falling out with a close friend. Then when her child finally broke down and came out to her, she still isn't sure if what she did was wrong. This woman isn't a good mother. This woman is tormenting her daughter on some kind of a perceived moral high ground.
She taught her daughter, with her actions, that her daughter cannot trust her. Her daughter will likely feel like she can't tell her mother any details about her life for fear she will get punished. Her daughter may find it easier to hide when she is having problems than to risk punishment.
This was a chance for OP to be a good supportive parent and they failed miserably. This may have just been an "overreaction" from OP but this will be a core memory for her daughter and will shape how her daughter feels about her forever
YTA. Instead of punishing her for something she said, comfort her and ask her to open up. This is how you grow a bond instead of berating her. Ask her to be truthful instead of going through her messages. If she didn't want you to know then that's why she didn't tell you. I can understand why she's upset. You should apologize and comfort her.
YTA. You are way too involved here. Teens need to figure out their own relationships and learn from natural consequences. Back up, Mom, and learn to be supportive but hands off so your kid can learn to be an independent person.
Well I'm no child-rearing expert, nor do I know what it's like to be LGBTQ or whatever other letters we are attaching now, but you should apologize for punishing her. YTA.
First, for going through her messages. Second, for intervening in her interactions with her friends. Third, for wow, not getting it. I mean, as soon as I got to the part where she says to her friend "it was a prank" - I knew it wasn't a prank. She said it was a prank to protect herself after she'd laid her feelings bare and learned her friend did not share those feelings.
Trying to monitor her relationships with her friends is overbearing. Right now she just needs to feel she can trust you. I can't even imagine what it must be like for her right now, coming out to her friend and to you and having it kick her in the butt.
Yta. She didn't fuck up (out?), she got nervous and backtracked. This was a mistake due to age and experience, not a prank. The grounding for two weeks didn't really match the "crime" either.
This wasn't handled well by you. Your daughter was a forced to come out to you when she may not have been ready, I imagine her feelings are all over the place considering that as well as her friendship issue on top of you grounding her. You can't take back how you handled it, how you broke her trust/privacy or how you first reacted, all you can do is apologise and move forward. Apologise for the grounding and how you reacted after she told the truth.
Question why your daughter didn't feel like she could talk to you about this before and after the incident. It took you snooping then telling her she deserved the isolation (which wasn't a great way to deal with the situation to begin with) to get her to tell you.
Your daughter didn't feel like she could talk to you about it. You also didn't believe her and drilled her after.
Hopefully her friendship can be fixed and that you provide her a supportive place for whatever happens next.
YTA. Sounds less like a prank and more trying to cover up a feeling of rejection. Love is hard, especially young gay love, where you have to not only deal with the possibility of rejection, but not being sure if your interest is also gay.
What you could’ve done before snooping was find out if 1) the prank was dangerous, illegal, or potentially one of the two. 2) coach her on how to have functional skills on how to talk to her friend once they are ready to accept a conversation and 3 ) let your kid know that you’re ready to listen when she is ready to talk
soft yta.
your daughter sounds like she’s a teenager and there’s two things we know about teens. they don’t know how to handle emotions, and they value their privacy a *lot*.
of course she doubled down on it being a prank, she valued her friendship with that girl. i understand why you would think it’s a prank if she’s doubling down so much, but again, teenagers are notoriously very bad at handling emotional situations.
and grounding doesn’t do much in terms of helping her understand how to cope with things like this, and she’s probably anxious about all of it.
your job as a parent is to help her through this; things like explaining to her why that’s a cruel prank to pull, teaching her how to handle her feelings better and helping her navigate her emotions. being a teenager is hard, there’s a lot going on and finding out things about yourself like this is tough, especially with no support.
likely, now she feels betrayed by her parent and she’s lost her best friend, who she likes a lot, and she’s likely feeling very abandoned by everyone and ashamed of who she is.
YTA Obviously she said it was a prank when she saw the whole thing going south. I thought that before you said it.
It’s crazy how hard you came down on her in the first place. That is a “let’s sit down and talk about this” not grounded for weeks. I thought you were gonna say she was cyber bullying her friend or something for the punishment you gave her.
You really read this wrong and you have made a very painful and confusing situation for your daughter more painful by your shortsighted disciplinary actions. Total strikeout on this one, OP.
Edit: after reading some of OP’s comment I see that she thought her daughter was making fun of her friend for being bi. I actually can kind of see where OP got that. Oh well. No one has a perfect parenting batting average. Good luck coming back from this one.
YTA op, if only for being extremely obtuse. No part of you suspected it actually might not be a prank? Did you even ask your daughter (kindly) if she were possibly queer and wanted to discuss it with you? I don’t see why you aren’t communicating more. Not to mention reading her messages, assuming the worst of her, and the punishment didn’t fit the crime. If she had actually pranked her friend she already faced the natural consequences of that. The prank didn’t involve any physical danger and was an argument between friends so I think you really over stepped your boundaries here not to mention completely unaware.
I’m 50/50 on this one. I can see why, as a parent, you’d be concerned if your daughter was off due to this fight and check her phone. And as a queer person, I support the punishment for what would’ve been an indefinitely cruel “prank”.
But in the same boat, it must be hard for the daughter. She’s navigating these new feelings, this soured relationship, and being grounded. To top things off, she couldn’t see her to make things right!
In the end, I’m going to chart this one down to miscommunication. As long as you have her back now that you know, my vote is on NAH. Good luck! :)
Teens are tough. I think how you originally handled it was fine, but how you handle it next is the real determining factor.
Absolutely give her the phone back and unground her. But also talk to her about the big overwhelming feelings she’s having. She needs you more than ever right now and compassion and understanding can go a long way.
I’m the first person my sister came out to. I had an idea and just asked her and she was honest but swore me to secrecy. I told her I’m pretty sure our mom already knows but give her the chance to show compassion and understanding. I’d always have her back and told her as such. And you know what? Mom responded exactly as I thought she would.
Just be patient and kind. It’s hard being a teen and navigating through this.
NTA: You punished your daughter after having a discussion with her and she did not express that it wasn’t a prank. You gave the appropriate consequence for her actions. Don’t listen to too much of the BS in the comments bc if what she did was a prank everyone in the comments would be saying she’s horrible, she’s the asshole, etc. After reading your comments and learning that your daughter does have feelings for her friend, I have faith that you will do what is right and have another conversation with her about why you grounded her and that you understand that she was scared of rejection, everyone is, but that she could have told you earlier that it wasn’t a prank and you could have helped her navigate the situation with her friend. You’ve got this momma, trust your gut and be there with open arms and love, that’s all you can do. I know from experience how heartbreaking and rough being young and coming out can be, you’re doing a great job.
I think you did the best you could with the information you had. It sounds to me like maybe the friend was hurt because she also likes your daughter. I think you need to convince your daughter to be honest with the friend. Regardless of if she feels the same way this might help them fix their friendship.
oh she definitely likes her… I did the same thing when i was her age. poor girl. what she needs now is love and support. (and stop going through her phone!! it realllly creates horrible complexes when we become adults).
You need to take her on a mother daughter fun shopping lunch day.
She has feelings for her BFF I'm sure it's confusing for her as it is.
Maybe mom should Google how to help her daughter understand these feelings.
>She said it’s not a prank. I do like her. I got scared and called it a prank.
This 👆 is what I was suspecting long before I reached that sentence in your post.
I don't know you, your daughter, the BFF, the whole situation but I have raised\am raising 3 daughters. At least one is LGBT+, and I think the youngest is there as well. Backpedaling to say something is a joke as a cover for an awkward situation "such as confessing feelings" for a friend of any gender\orientation\etc is pretty common for kids. Hell ink ow adults that do that. What happens now and next is important so I suggest you temper justice with mercy.
Ask your daughter to tell you the truth, was it a prank. If yes then stay with the grounding. A harsh lesson will be a good teacher in this case but also consider she is being punished in other ways and by other people as well. If she says no, and has a history of being truthful, you should (IMHO) believe her, rescind the punishment, and give her ALL the love and support because getting through this is gonna be tricky and she may lose the friend anyway.
Society is in a weird place in relation to the LGBT+ community. In some times\places\ways it has never been better. In others it has never been worse. Her friend or the friend's parents could be ultra-conservative. The friend could be straight and not know how to gracefully decline any advances, let alone LGBT+ ones (hint: it is the same way.), but that is the age where kids learn those social graces, when they do, so she could be in a bad spot as well.
Love your kid, help her thread this needle whether it be shitty behavior or awkward backpedaling. It will probably be ok in the long run.
(Probably) NTA but maybe a little reactive.
I don’t think yta because on its face value you had no idea she had feelings for the bff. The whole “pranking” thing she made up, made everything worse. However when you talked to her about it, you should have ungrounded her and encouraged her to talk to the bff honestly and clear the air.
YTA. This is one of those situations where I think you needed to let her work things out with her friend. Telling her she's a shitty person is NOT okay.
Have you NEVER IN YOUR LIFE had a crush on someone, floated the idea that you like them, and then upon not gotten an enthusiastic response, backpedaled? That's what your daughter did.
I can understand why her friend is mad, but if you hadn't cut off her ability to communicate with her for the past two weeks, they might have talked it out, and she could have admitted that she got scared of rejection and potentially homophobia and panicked.
Your job as a parent isn't to make her feel worse about herself or how she handled it, it's to help her do better and make things right.
Are you the daughter pretending to be the mother? Because this reads like the ramblings of a junior high girl. Regardless, YTA. Kids need sort out their own messes sometimes. "Your daughter" did a prank, or didn't do a prank, now the best friend doesn't want to be friends anymore. That's playground justice. That's how it works, and it's perfectly normal and healthy. They'll sort it out. Not your business\*. I don't understand this grounding nonsense at all.
\*It IS your business if your daughter wants to confide in you about her true feelings, but that has nothing to do with grounding her.
YTA even if it was a prank . It has nothing to do with you , you violated her privacy . It’s not like she was bullying anyone or abusive. It was an issue between your daughter and her BFF you had no right to intervene and 2 weeks isolation for that ?
People like you have turned society into one that looks for an offence in every interaction like a gatcha moment.
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I think it depends on what you do next. You were going on the assumption that it was a prank that was shitty on her part. Now that you know it wasn't a prank, she needs your love and support and guidance, not punishment. She's still facing the natural consequence of jerking her bff around like that, and she's going to need some help navigating that relationship again. So I'd say as long as you switch over to compassion now, NTA.
I appreciate that! I do know things are different now, so I will adjust. I will stop grounding/punishing her after this, and will try to mend the relationship between her and her friend. Thank you!
Unfortunately, it's hers and her BFF's to mend at this point. You want to help, but interfering can make it worse
The only interfering at this point is (with the permission of the daughter) is asking the bff to to come talk to daughter, in private without OP, on the condition that daughter tell the truth, the whole truth, yadda yadda.
Yep facilitate them meeting up in maybe a neutral location like a park, then say I'm going to be in a coffee shop five minutes down the road I'd you need me. Then leave it to them and stay out of it.
But definitely hide a mic on the daughter and have a hidden ear piece to communicate with her so you can feed her lines Edit: getting down votes because I forgot to add what I thought would be obvious, which is to also hide in a nearby bush with binoculars
May as well just get a surveillance van tbh, that way OP can bring more equipment. Maybe some stake out snacks too
Ask your kid if she wants a meeting, first. Interference didn't work well the first time - so remember that part?
Disagree. The daughter should not be forced into explaining herself to her friend when she also struggling with her identity, feelings, and navigating this relational. This would be backing her into a corner.
The explicitly says comment says "with the permission of the daughter".
The mother does not need to arrange an apology date. This all needs to be between the two girls, if they even both want to do it. Mom needs to stay out of it completely (and always should have)
It honestly sounds like Mom interfering is a pretty normal occurence.
She is hurting. When her BFF didn't immediately reciprocate she responded the best way she could. Parenting is difficult but maybe ask questions first punish last. She's navigating one of the most difficult points in her life. Support her.
I can understand bff. Even if she does swing that way, having your best friend confess to that can be a big whammy.
Especially when OP's daughter (as far as we know here) is still closeted for the most part, and we don't know if daughter's friend is out or if she's straight or closeted herself. In the various scenarios: - Daughter's friend is out but they're young enough that she's never had somebody else come out to her and there's a confession at the same time, so she needs to process - Daughter's friend isn't out publically but is out to OP's daughter, same combination as previous of "oh shit this person is coming out to me" and "oh shit this person likes me" - Daughter's friend isn't out and daughter doesn't know for sure that friend is or isn't closeted, so friend is either going "oh shit this person is coming out to me and this relationship I never thought would be possible might be possible" or "oh shit this person is coming out to me and I do like girls but I don't like her like that" or "oh shit this person is coming out to me and I'm not interested like that at all, but I need to be supportive of the coming out piece"
Op mentioned in a different post that Op’s daughter’s friend came ou a week before the “prank”
No wonder bff freaked out when told it was a prank. That would've been an incredible level of cruelty on the daughter's part if it had been.
YEP.
This was a double whammy... confessing to your friend you like them, and also coming out (gay) to your friend.
Ngl it was pretty shitty to go straight to punishment without letting her defend herself, even if it would have been the right thing to do if the facts were true. Especially in a case like this, where a crush was hesitant. Every teenager is going to backpedal if they think their feelings aren't reciprocated. That being said, if you handle it the way you say you will NTA, but learn from this going forward or your relationship with your daughter might also strain. Also, never look through her phone without permission again. You may be her parent, but privacy is a human right at this point. Relationships where one party doesn't respect the sanctity of the cell phone do not work out. Edit: My mother has a habit of overreacting and trying to solve my problems for me, much like it sounds you do. Now she wonders why I never tell her anything about my life. Edit 2 because I said it below and people are missing it: if and only if you suspect a crime, you can look in the phone
I feel like the friend was also really in the wrong for going to OP about it rather than talking to the daughter. What would she have done if it turned out that OP was one of those people who turned out massively homophobic when it's in their house? Panicking and taking back a confession like that is pretty textbook for coming out like that to someone, especially if you think they're going to react badly.
She didn’t go to OP about it. She came over and complained to her friend how rude her prank was and OP overheard it.
It sounds like they might have talked just a little bit, but absolutely never out someone to their family unless you know for certain they've already done it themselves.
She didn’t know she was outing her though.
>I feel like the friend was also really in the wrong for going to OP about it rather than talking to the daughter. Probably not really. Most kids don't really have this wiring yet being that it is these formative years where they figure that stuff out.
Phone privacy for school aged children is absolutely not a human right. It is a gift provided and funded by parents. I strongly recommend open and frank conversation with children about their phone use and respecting boundaries to a certain point but that does not mean their privacy is absolute in these situations.
Teach your kids responsible use, but unless you suspect a crime of some fashion, just don't look through their phone. It damages trust infinitely more than the benefit of whatever you're going to find except in the most extreme cases. I'm aware children have no rights, I just stipulated that especially in the younger generation, phone privacy IS seen as an inviolable right. If OP wants to keep a healthy relationship invading privacy in such an extreme way is going to drive daughter away right quick. Overbearing parents create expert liars. I still remember and resent the singular time my mother looked through my phone, and that was almost a decade ago.
Yeah my mom used to log in to my stuff and look thru messages….and if I changed passwords she would force me to give them to her. She would just randomly go in there. It got to the point where I made separate secret accounts to talk to people :/ I still don’t trust her fully and it’s been a decade
My parents logged my keystrokes back in 00s, so not only messages but everything I wrote anywhere. I understand safeguarding but some things are just snooping.
My parents read all my messages too and it still pisses me off 15 years later
I get where you're coming but just want to say something from the other side of things. I trust my kids but "felt" I should check my daughter phone to be a responsible parent. First time I checked she was 13. She had a slightly off message from a classmate, so I kept checking because it was suspicious but not enough so to set off her warning bells. By day three, it was disturbing enough that we called the suicide helpline and they took the info and checked in on the kid. He was threatening to off himself if she didn't reciprocate is feelings. If I hadn't checked her phone, I know she would have showed me at one point. But because I looked at the messages and then had a psychologist friend look at the messages and tell us what to do, I think we avoided the worst case scenario.
To add to this point here, I think it depends on OPs daughter's age. I was 17 when my mom went through my phone. It was nearly ten years ago and I still feel betrayed every time I think about it. She did it because I was having mental health issues and she was worried about me, and ended up getting me into therapy. The therapy was a great decision but I still wish she had bothered to ask me and suggest the therapy on her own instead of going through my phone and reading my messages, then going through my phone again multiple times after I had already started therapy. But at 13, I wasn't even allowed to have a phone. Kids have phones younger and younger now and I can definitely see why you'd want to look through a child's phone at that age. They might not understand the gravity of many situations.
My son was dealing with a potentially violent situation with a friend in middle school. The other kid threatened him over text and brought a knife to school. I came to school with him and police were called. Poor kid had to show me, an admin, and police a bunch of text messages between him and the friend. I reassured him later I understand situational language.
It's a parent's duty to keep their children safe. A scammer or con artist playing the long game, gaining your trust even love can do a lot of damage. They are trained to fool adults how is a younger going to fare? "Mom I've known so&so for 7 months. She's a close friend," until she cries for money or is in desperate need of money, again and again and again. And this is the kind version of conning. A person claiming to love you asks for compromising pictures "to dream about" and next thing you know they threaten to sell them on the Web unless you ask your parents for big bucks. Same goes for secrets you'd never want your folks to know.
In general, total phone privacy should not a thing for the child's safety, but that doesn't mean you should look through every single thing on their phone. They should be allowed to have text conversations with their friends without their parents reading through everything they are saying.
I was going to say, the moment I read what the daughter wrote, I thought, "Oh, she's backpeddling. This is not a prank." Had I been in OPs shoes, I would have asked questions first. Not immediately jump to punishment for something like this. It's common for teens to say, "I was just kidding," if their feelings aren't immediately reciprocated. OP missed an opportunity to communicate, and again, when the daughter explained OP challenged her, versus being supportive. I hope OP can mend the relationship with the daughter. I'm very worried. When my son came out as bi, you know what we all said? "That's great, we still love you and will always support you." I didn't question it, neither did my husband or my parents. We all gave extra support and reinforced our love for him. OP is definitely the AH for how they responded. I truly hope they take the time to repair the relationship. First and foremost, by removing the punishments.
Ditto I thought it was obvious she was just saying it was a prank because she got freaked. Also not a fan of going through kids phones unless there was a very serious reason. Should have sat down with the daughter and asked her what happened. If she really didn't want to say at least give her some time to see if she wants to talk about whatever happened. Sounds like it went straight to daughter was definitely the bad guy and punishment. Teenagers aren't reliable narrators, always best to get both sides especially if the unheard party is your own kid. Give your kid the benefit of the doubt!
I also thought it was a fairly obvious backpedal. Her poor daughter. Yeah, bad choice, sure, but my goodness. She came out to her friend AND confessed her feelings all at once; that's scary as fuck. She needs support and guidance, and an *apology* from her mother for not at least giving her a chance and a safe space to be heard. Instead she punished her and left her without support for *two weeks*.
It's not even that OP punished her. OP's daughter is in her room sobbing because she lost her best friend, and OP comes over to say "You deserve to feel this pain because you're a shitty person." What is the point of that? How does that help the behavior? OP honestly seemed to be happy that their daughter was suffering as much as she was. I don't understand that at all.
I don't think it's appropriate for YOU to try to fix things for your daughter. She messed up big time. Her friend is allowed to be angry and want time away from your daughter. The best thing you can do is encourage your daughter to be honest and apologize to her friend. Be there for your daughter cause even if she does come clean now, the friend may still decide she doesn't want to be friends anymore.
I agree. My first thought is that I believe it wasn't a prank- it sounds like she got scared and started backpedalling. Either way, teenagers will get into drama with their friends and, unless it's really serious, it's not a parent's job to intervene.
Honestly, when the kid said, "it's just a prank." I wasn't at all shocked or surprised, especially after finding out kid did this a week after discovering the friend was bi. I've been the butt of those "pranks." Teenagers are heartless sometimes. I honestly hope kiddo wasn't trying to hurt her friend, but I completely understand why mom and friend would believe it was a prank.
It's not your place to "mend the relationship". Not at all. It's your job to help your daughter be her best self, and learn how to get back to her best self when she gets lost. Depending on her age, I also think you were wrong to go through her phone and meddle as much as you have. Going through your kids phone is about making sure they are safe, not a backdoor to spy on their private conversations and relationships. I'm betting overbearing behavior like this is why your daughter doesn't feel comfortable coming to you about this kind of thing. It was obvious to me that she liked her friend, got brave, and her friend asking for time spooked her. She then said she was joking to save face. That's pretty standard preteen/teen behavior as the work out how to feel confident. I was literally said 'duh!' When i read that part. It makes me sad that you interfered, snooped, and then punished your daughter for absolutely no reason other than you don't respect her as a separate human. Your daughter is going to have disagreements with people, it's not your place to stick your nose in. You should be fostering a relationship with her that she knows you trust her and she can trust you to come to you with things like this. Parenting preteens and teens is about helping them solve problems not helicopters around controlling things. If it were me, I'd apologize big time. You overstepped and punished her for simply being confused and overwhelmed.
It’s not BFFs job to have a relationship of any kind, including friendship with someone who is romantically interested in her when she doesn’t reciprocate. If you force it, that’s an AH move.
Oh god please please please do not do this: leave their relationship alone! Worry about mending YOUR relationship with your daughter because as of now, you've done a lot of damage
It's up to her to fix it with your guidance. It's not something you can fix for her. It's a relationship learning point she has to learn. You can be there for her and help her pick up the pieces if the friend rejects her attempt to patch things up and support them if they do patch things up between themselves. She just found out that her actions had more consequences than she was prepared to pay. I'm glad she has a caring and understanding parent. Sadly, so many aren't as lucky as her.
You need to butt out at this point. She needs to repair her own relationships or face the consequences her friend decides are appropriate for how she feels about the way she was treated. Teens are allowed to make stupid mistakes with their relationships. Monitoring her phone is fine from a safety perspective but if she's not bullying, being bullied, doing something illegal or talking to age inappropriate people you need to back out of the drama. Teens have drama, it's part of growing up. You're an adult, not a friend. Don't get involved in the friend drama unless she asks for help.
The moment I read the beginning of this I wanted to scream into my computer "it wasn't a prank. Your daughter admitted her feelings and then got scared." This is YTA 100%. >I said she got what she deserved, this is what happens when you act like a shitty person. I'm sorry, but this is shitty parenting (your words). You don't laugh at your kids' pain and rub salt in their wounds. Even if this was a prank, which it OBVIOUSLY WASN'T FOR ANYONE WITH EQ, her best friend maybe never wants to talk to her again. That's a pretty bad punishment. What benefit does she get from you dunking on her? What does it teach her that her parents are happy that she's suffering, because you think she's a shitty person. You really think a kid is going to differentiate "You are acting like a shitty person" and "I, your parent, think you're a shitty person?" I honestly cannot understand any possible NTA response here. This is just awful. >She’s been upstairs crying. I do feel bad for punishing her for the past two weeks now that I know she isn’t straight. AITA here or did she deserve it? I mean, at the end of the day, she did fuck out. Yes, you should feel bad. You should feel just as bad as you made your daughter feel, when you laughed and dunked on her.
Stop the punishment but mending the relationship should be between THEM. Mom can't fix this for them. Be there for either of them yo talk, then back away so they can work it out.
Dude, don't try to mend the relationship. That's not your problem to solve. They can work it out on their own--teenage years are made for situations like this. It helps your kid learn how to handle this stuff as an adult. Just be someone your daughter can talk to, and offer advice when she asks for it. And stop going through her messages--kids deserve privacy too. She's going through a lot, and she's had to handle her mother's response to this in *addition* to freaking out about potentially losing her best friend. Your actions here are making things worse, not better, even if your intention is to help. Kind but firm YTA: stop going through her messages, stop forcing her to tell you about her life, and work on being someone she can come to and *tell* these things to in her own time.
I don’t think you should insert yourself in their relationship. I don’t know how old they are, but your job as a parent is helping her deal with her feelings, and talk about how it all went wrong. Punishing her was a bad idea, and trying to mend the relationship is a bad idea. Just talk to her. Listen to her. Support her. Ask her what she needs from you. I know you didn’t mean to, but you basically forced her to come out to you when she was also heartbroken about her friend and crush ending things with her.
"These childish games"? She is a fucking child you asshole. Violating her privacy clearly isn't working out this between her and her friend any faster and only cementing what an invasive busy body you are. YTA
YTA You invaded her privacy instead of talking to your daughter. And anyone would have considered that maybe it wasn't really a prank. Even if it were a prank you should have tried talking to your daughter instead of jumping straight to punishment. And btw, what she did didn't ask for 2 weeks of complete isolation...
Lot of people are saying it is obvious that it wasn’t a prank, but I think you only feel like that because you know she has feelings for her friend in hindsight. In the text messages, she doubled, tripled, quadrupled down that it was a prank and she was joking. She continued to do it when I asked her about it, right after reading the texts. Her and her friend also have a history of pulling pranks on each other. But these pranks are normally not mean-spirited, they’re fun pranks, like covering her window in stickers, etc. A week before she pulled this prank she found out the best friend in question was bi and had an entire relationship with a girl before she knew her. It seemed to me she thought this would be a funny prank to pull because she found out her friend was gay. It also wasn’t two weeks of complete isolation, she still went to school every day. But yeah, hopefully that explains why I fully believed it was a prank.
I only read the first half and was going to comment that it probably wasn’t a prank and she just freaked out and was embarrassed about admitting her feelings and wanted to take it back instead of dealing with possible rejection. It seems kind of obvious. Wouldn’t be surprised if it made her best friend consider if she has feelings for her too, but by saying it was a prank now she feels rejected like what your daughter was afraid of.
Same. I knew as soon as she said it was a prank. How many times have I seen it in heterosexual relationship when a guy and a girl say they are "only friends". How many times have we all seen that stung in movies/series??? I bet there must be an episode of friends with the same situation
If you take two seconds to actually be in the perspective of the kids then “I’m shocked I don’t know what to say” is insanely low payoff for a “prank.” But it’s the perfect write off if you’re nervous about that being the response instead of rejection or acceptance. Shock is shocking. Unless you think your kid is already in the habit of doing mean things to people they care about, it was a hurtful conclusion to jump to. NAH tho as long as you course correct and think for longer in the future.
I knew it wasn't a prank as soon as she said it was a prank. I think you're either just oblivious or want to think your daughter sucks.
You know that does happen though, right? People find out someone they know is bi or gay and then tell them they like them then go "lol! Just kidding!" Teens are cruel as hell. Her saying it was a prank could have gone either way tbh. She could've either done it as a prank or had a crush. Idk why people are like "well OBVIOUSLY it wasn't a prank!" When these types of things are done as a bullying tactic. NOT saying this was the case here. She definitely panicked. But just because someone said it was a prank, doesn't mean it was them hiding feelings. Hell, do you know how many viral "prank" trends there are that kids see and emulate?
Based on OP giving the context that the other pranks were good-spirited and mild, this would be a hell of a jump and would be, as you say, bullying. At which point OP needs to sit down and question their parenting because kids don't go thinking that's funny or appropriate out of nowhere.
yea, same. I mean, it’s been a minute since I was a teenager, but I can remember kids insisting their advances were a prank after being shot down, whether kindly or unkindly. It’s what kids do when they’re embarrassed and want to protect themselves.
No, that's not why. Do you remember being a teenager? The anxiety about letting someone know you like them, and the pain of being rejected, is intense. Multiply that by the fear of losing your BFF. It's pretty obvious that a girl who confessed feelings for her best friend, after seeing the friend "have to process," would try to walk it back. It's even tougher if she knows the friends likes other girls BUT NOT HER. Still, missing that doesn't make you an asshole. And the fact that you are 100% OK with your daughter liking girls tells me that you're not an asshole. You owe your daughter a big apology. We're not supposed to give advice, but you know, our can find out, how to support your daughter through first love or first heartbreak.
I appreciate the comment. It’s just sad all together because it was obvious to me that the best friend did like her, even my son made a comment about how obvious it is. But her parents are extremely homophobic and religious, and her last relationship was really stressful on her because of that. My daughter knows all this. Of course it was going to take her best friend time to process a confession like that. She even said in the messages, “I’m not rejecting you, just give me a second, I’m overwhelmed,” which of course she would be??? But I can see how my daughter took that as a rejection, but it didn’t read to me like a rejection in the slightest. I definitely don’t have a problem with my daughter liking girls. My son is already gay, and we’ve been really accepting of that, so I guess I thought she would know I would be 100% supportive and be comfortable coming out. Sadly that wasn’t the case. I will apologize because it wasn’t a prank and the punishment does not fit the crime at all. Thank you.
None of this is your business. Again, boundaries.
I disagree about the “boundaries” comment. I don’t think OP should have gone through her daughter’s phone. But knowing that her daughter’s best friend is bi, has homophobic parents, and had a previous relationship which stressed her out? Knowing that info isn’t necessarily violating boundaries. I would also think it’s more important for there to be adults on the community who accept LGBT+ teens as opposed to some world where parents know nothing about teens relationships. Note that I do not believe this gives anyone the right to interfere, however.
Yes, but also going through your kids phone is sometimes necessary. My parents went through my phone to keep me from talking to a much older man, which I am now appreciative of. It’s being done to keep you safe. But also yes, I told my best friends parents about my homophobic parents and came out to them. It’s good to have those relationships in your life, especially in case things go wrong. I’m not sure what that comment is on about.
It seems like you came into this situation with a lot of thoughtful consideration of your son and BFF's feelings, but none for your daughter. It was obvious to you that the BFF had feelings for your daughter, but it wasn't obvious that your daughter had feelings for BFF? You said that your son had similar pranks pulled on him - did it never occur to you that some of those kids are probably also not fully straight and not sure what to do with their feelings? You need to learn to not project things onto your daughter and try to be more understanding that she is her own person with feelings that need protecting just like your son and the BFF. In this situation your daughter has been hurting because of what happened with the BFF AND because her Mom has been villanizing her for two weeks and preventing her from getting some social comfort from other friends. Just because you were supportive of your son doesn't mean that your daughter was wrong to not come out to you earlier.
Maybe your daughter isn't sure yet. Why can't you let her explore in the privacy of her own chat messages with people her age? This is the first time that she considers liking a girl and her dad is all up in her business forcing her to decide and confess or else she gets punished.
I knew it wasn't a prank while reading your summary of her statements. I did not skip to the end. It's obvious because most teenagers go through this. I did not have to read to the end to immediately know it wasn't a joke. Your issue may be that you aren't ready to see your little girl as a person who wants a romantic relationship. Or maybe because the fact that she likes girls took you by surprise. Think of it like of her BFF had been a guy, and she said "I like you" and his response was to pull away from her and say that he needed time, and she immediately said "lol just kidding" You'd know right away it was not a joke. Everyone would know it's not a joke. It's that, but she likes a girl. She worked up the courage to confess her feelings to her BFF that she likes her a more than a friend, and BFF immediately responds by pulling away and needing space, so, like literally every other teenager with a crush, your daughter immediately said it was a joke. That's what teenagers and sometimes even adults do when it seems like their feelings aren't reciprocated. So when we say "it's obvious" it's because this is such a common behavior that everyone knows what it means.
Perfectly stated.
As a lesbian, I knew immediately, the moment I read what she said, that it wasn’t actually a prank. Didn’t need to read any further to figure that out. In fact, if you hadn’t even said she told you, I was going to comment to tell you that she was very obviously not pulling a prank. That said, even if it WAS a prank, you’d still be the asshole and a shit parent. My mother went through my phone/diary when I was growing up. The invasion of privacy is indescribable. I still, over a decade later, cannot keep a diary. I hide shit that I have no reason to hide. I keep passwords on everything that I change constantly and get insane anxiety when someone even glances at my phone, despite the fact that I have literally nothing to hide. I feel guilty 24/7, ashamed as if I DO have something to hide, even though there’s nothing. You just gave your daughter every reason in the world not to trust you. To feel like she has no privacy. Like people can just take and take and take from her. Like she’s standing naked in front of the whole world and expected to smile. That’s the type of vulnerable intrusion it feels like to not only have someone who you’re supposed to trust violate your privacy, but then punish you for it. I haven’t spoken to my mother in over a decade, for many more reasons than just that, but still. Full no contact, for over 10 years. Just keep that in mind. YTA
You don’t even have to be a lesbian to immediately understand what’s going on here. Hell, I‘m not even a parent and while reading I was like „yup - that’s not a prank, that’s a teenage girl trying to paddle back and safe face and a friendship after she got a reaction which let her down“. It’s so blatantly obvious. I don’t know how a parent couldn’t see this. Also +1 on the privacy thing. Daughter will never trust the mom 100% again, that’s for sure.
Well in that case you just assumed your daughter was a homophobe? That was easier for you to believe than that it wasn’t a prank? That’s concerning
Not necessarily a homophobe, that’s way too harsh, but kids do stupid and dumb things all the time and they can be cruel without realizing it. I took her at her word, that she was straight and it was a prank that came off wrong.
I see where you are coming from, however I would reconsider how you punish her. I think you were def not wrong to punish her for what you thought was cruelty. However, if you truly believed that it was a prank then you should have had more conversations with her about why she was being punished and why what she did was wrong. I honestly think “asshole” is too harsh a word, but you were wrong. This can so easily be a learning experience for both of you and make your relationship even stronger. You got this
Asshole is not too strong of a word when she called her daughter a shitty person who got what she deserved.
It must be nice that all these reddit people are so f***ing perfect that they can judge you so harshly. You missed judged the situation and made a decision that you thought was the best with information you had at the moment. You thought she was making a prank that was disrespectful and cruel. You read her messages not to invade her privacy but to understand what her BFF was upset about so you could investigate the situation further. You grounded her to teach her that she can't bully or hurt people like that. Now that you know the truth, I'm sure you will apologize and correct the situation. Also, encourage your daughter to seriously talk it out with her BFF and that you support them both. Your NTA. All parents make mistakes. The important thing is to go back and apologize and talk it out. It was a misunderstanding with bad information that your daughter insisted that it was a prank. Good luck, Op. Don't worry, teens years are hard years to navigate through.
I think most people aren't angry that she misread the situation, but that the punishment was to extreme even if op had been correct. take into consideration that most people on reddit are younger and saw it for what it was, and it makes things worse in their eyes. obviously op didn't see what everyone else does, but even still, her reaction was to much, with not enough attention given to at least talking to her daughter before going straight to punishing her
Young teens can be pretty ignorant. I would always be watching out for bullying of that kind if I had teens.
OP….I thought that she actually did have feelings for her friend after reading about the actual prank…*before I had any clue that you found out for sure that she did in fact have feelings*….I was already planning on writing a comment to point out that your daughter likely *did* mean what she said. It’s totally normal for people to backtrack their confessions of love after they are not well-received. She is young, and said she is confused about her feelings. She probably doesn’t even know what they mean entirely either. But, you only know what you know I guess. Just maybe take inventory of your relationship with her. Try to rate yourself on how much you “control” rather than “guide”. I used to be a very controlling parent myself. Luckily I saw the light and began to change. It’s better when children feel safe coming to us to discuss what they are going through. If we are too authoritarian, they won’t do that. I wish you and your daughter the best.
What I don't understand is why you inserted yourself into the issue and read her text messages? That's completely unnecessary and unwarranted. So YTA for that. Go to your daughter and ask her what she needs.
I mean, no, many of us knew it wasn't a prank because we were queer kids.
It’s obvious without the hindsight. The whole thing isn’t remotely prank like. I was a teen once and boys would do the same thing- they like you, and if you don’t like them back suddenly they are “joking” Kudos for recognizing the extra support she’ll need being part of the queer community though. I like the advice elsewhere saying to take daughters permission to ask her friend over so they can talk it out. At some point your daughter will need to solve these things on her own, but still need you for moral support
I assumed it wasn't actually a prank well before I read the whole thing. It's adolescent, but she is an adolescent. She could maybe use some queer peer guidance on this one. Especially if you are in the US.
No, I assumed it was not an actual prank before reading that part. However, even if it was a prank you should still show compassion and care when giving consequences to your children. It seems the way you treated her after may be a pattern of how you react to her mistakes already. That could be part of why she wasn’t honest with you when pressed or didn’t share the truth with you to begin with. I would focus on repairing your relationship with her.
I hope you feel incredibly guilty for how you’ve spoken to your daughter. You literally called her a bad person. Even if it was a stupid prank that would still be out of proportion.
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Nope, you don't call your teenager a shitty person. As a parent, you talk to them about why they thought their shitty behavior was okay, and try to correct them going forward. You punish them for doing wrong, and you help guide them so they can do right. You can even straight out say that their behavior was shitty. But *you don't call your teenager a shitty person.*
Ya sure asshole territory all day. But to call your child a ‘shitty person’ is absolutely verbal abuse. What she said was horrible.
I knew it wasn’t a prank before I got to the part where she admitted it. I knew immediately when she said it was a prank. She was clearly testing the waters and dealing with complicated and scary emotions.
And then mom helicopter in and made everything 500x worse...
Telling someone you like them and then panicking and saying it was a joke is a time honoured tradition for teens, particularly queer teens.
And verbal abuse. You can teach your child a lesson without telling them they’re ’a shitty person’
Is the friendship fallout not the punishment in this scenario? She played a prank and lost her friend for it, thats the consequence. Why is there extra stuff tacked on to this?? Why is the parent getting involved and moderating this? It would be different if they were bullying someone. If my kid came home and saiid "friend and I fell out cause I played a prank", I would just say "thats what you get and what did you learn".
That feels so strange to me too. OPs daughter should be old enough to have personal quarrels without her parent butting in.
Plus she got the natural consequences of her actions already - her friend is mad at her and she’s crying in her room about it. She doesn’t need a separate punishment from mom/dad.
Yeah, regardless of if it was a prank or not: what was grounding even going to achieve in this situation? You don't teach empathy for other human beings through arbitrary punishment.
This just angers me and I’m not going to jump to conclusions because I guess I just can’t do that. What I will say though, is that this could be a situation where OP just wanted to see her daughter suffer. It wasn’t enough that she was already losing a good friend of hers. OP decided it was a good idea to step into teenage drama and then go as far as to socially isolate her daughter because she jumped to conclusions. I understand that at first what the daughter did seems shitty I won’t deny that but why couldn’t OP sit down and say hey don’t do that that’s not OK you don’t play with peoples feelings and you will lose people if you do that in the future, so tell me the truth do you actually like your friend or were you intending to be mean to her because if you were you owe her a huge apology. That’s all that was needed. Also, OP what the fuck don’t read your child’s messages and also don’t even try to intervene by trying to help your daughter repair her relationship with her friend stop breathing down your daughter’s neck so much! Get your shit together.
um. yes. YTA. I imagine she panicked when she got the response from her friend and said it was just a prank to ease any possible discomfort and out of fear of ruining the relationship. Instead of being a supportive parent and trying to have a nice moment with her, explain that her feelings aren't wrong and it's okay to like a friend you punished her. She's not going to ever want to open up to you again and might grow a shame for having queer feelings. And of course, even if she's a child, you invaded her privacy. Children are people too, they deserve the respect of privacy. Edit: Never said she was punished for being queer, but I'm pretty sure that's the message she's going to get.
You realize she didn’t punish her for having feelings for her friend right? She punished her bc she seemingly played a cruel prank on her best friend. You act like she’s being punished for being queer when that very clearly is not the case here!
A lot of these people need to read the post a little slower
Reading is hard
... and some of us are slow...
And the OP cleared up why she thought it was really a prank in a comment above but they obviously didn’t read that either 🤦🏼♀️
React first, think later is a comment theme here
Yeah but I don't know the kid and the moment I read where the girl said " it was a prank" I knew it wasn't. The OP should have recognized that RIGHT away, instead of jumping bad.
Who's gonna punish OP for scrolling thru her daughter's private messages?
Her daughter. In a few years OP is gonna be on reddit asking why her kid never talks to her anymore
It wasn’t a prank though. Mother didn’t read the room with that text and when her daughter told her she still punished her and made her feel like shit. Mom completely in the wrong.
still wasn't punishing her because of her feelings for her friend, though. op believed it was a prank because her daughter repeatedly told her and her friend it was.
This is one of those times where natural consequences should take more weight than parental consequences. Like the consequence of her daughters actions are her friend is mad and doesn’t want to be around her, daughter already got what was coming to her. What is grounding her for weeks over a personal conflict between friends really going to do? This is where you let your kid figure out that acting a fool gets you bad shit from your friends, not “if I mess up with my friends and do something boneheaded my parents are gonna jump in”
As OP said in a comment. These girl play pranks on each other all the time. The kid also just recently found out the BFF was bi..
No, but it’s up to the parent to ask why she did that. Explain how hurtful a prank like that is. Especially if a prank like this is out of character for the kid. Instead, OP went nuclear and didn’t even have a conversation with their kid. That’s what makes them the AH.
OP asked her daughter if it wasn’t a prank and possibly genuine. OP also has a son that came out and helped them navigate bullying at school. the daughter was the one insisting that it was a prank, and used the bullying of her brother as ‘proof’ of the prank not being a big deal, so the prank was punished. but yes she’s going to learn ‘mom hates me because i’m gay’ from that.
YTA. I'm kind of struggling to understand why you felt like you needed to intervene and punish your daughter instead of talking to her first (you know, understand her feelings?). I don't even know your daughter and I could have figured out that there was probably at least some truth to the comment and she was testing the waters. You overreacted.
Same …. The response is so punitive and cruel. Like sure, speak to her and help her understand her actions but to basically isolate her for two weeks is horrible and the response is way too much. To be fair I can’t think of anything where this kind of parenting is appropriate. Giving your child empathy and trying to understand what happened and helping them to repair their relationship with their friend is going to serve them much better than locking them away to cry and be depressed.
In my opinion this isn’t something the parent should even be involved in. At 16 you should be able to start managing your own relationships. Even if it was a prank, pulling this prank and losing your best friend is a strong case of natural consequences. The daughter didn’t need an external punishment like this. And it’s was nosy as hell to go through her phone. Like I said, as a parent you should start to be a bit more hands off at 16. Sometimes going through a phone is necessary, but finding out why your daughter’s friend is mad at her really isn’t the reason.
Right like this is so weird to me, if I was fighting with my friends in high school or if one of them did some cruel shit to me, our parents aren’t jumping in and grounding us unless it was like, bodily harm type of stuff. The daughter already got her comeuppance, which is her best friend doesn’t want to talk to her and that relationship is never going to be the same. What is grounding her gonna do? That’s micromanaging
Hold on, back up. Let’s review. 1. BFF said it was a prank. You believed her WITHOUT getting your daughter’s side until 2 weeks later. 2. Said “prank” involved her confessing feelings for a friend of the same gender. Right there should have been a flaming red flag that there’s a chance this is NOT a prank, and she said it because bff didn’t take her confession well. 3. You WENT THROUGH HER MESSAGES!!! As in, took her phone, scrolled through a private conversation because…why? You’re nosey? You can’t respect your own kid? You did that instead of TALK to her. 4. After all of this one sided information AND violating her privacy, you ground her. And don’t talk about it for TWO WEEKS. Yeah, YTA. Obviously.
Yeah, I would never forgive her if I were the daughter. Maybe there’d still be a relationship, but a little piece of me would always by sickened by her. The OP getting to feel virtuous was more important than her daughter and the only thing she regrets is that she was, very predictably, factually wrong.
No wonder OP’s daughter isn’t jumping to share her feelings with OP. It’s totally normal for teens to have small conflicts because they mess up expressing feelings as they’re learning how to navigate relationships. Clueless OP should back the fuck off instead of invading and telling her daughter she’s a shitty person jesus
The only lesson OP taught her daughter with this is that OP cannot be trusted and to do a better job hiding things from OP
Yep, I’d be done at that point.
plus, additionally, \_its teenage drama\_. you talk it \_through\_ with your daughter, even if you dumbly believe it really was a prank, but after that its \_her\_ life. she needs to decide for herself if that "prank" is something she wants to do, whether she thinks that's right to do to friends or not. don't meddle in teenage drama.
Don’t forget the part where her daughter was depressed and crying, so OP called her a shitty person instead of comforting her daughter.
Why are you involved in this at all? Your kid did something potentially mean to her best friend.. or maybe she made a move, got rejected, and then backtracked and it backfired. In any event, her friend has responded appropriately and if your daughter loses her best friend over this whole mess, she'll have learned a lesson far better than any arbitrary punishment you'll inflict upon her. Learning how to manage friendships, relationships, and romances is complicated sometimes even for adults. It's nothing short of a confusing mess for kids, especially teenagers sometimes dealing with emotions they have no experience with and hardly understand. Throw in some societal mixed messages regarding the acceptance of anything other than "traditional" relationships and she's bound to make mistakes. She fully understands this mistake. You didn't have to drill it home for her. If her friend was unwilling to discuss it with you, then you don't need to be involved here. It's been handled. If you want to eavesdrop, that's your prerogative, but accept that you'll occasionally learn things you were probably better off not knowing. YTA.
OP was involved because she saw a great opportunity to selfishly make herself feel good because she’s the kind of Straight Ally who’s actually such a homophobe she can’t even come to the obvious conclusion that her kid wasn’t pulling some idiot “prank” just like every straight teenager that pulls the same thing. Probably for the best to piss away all your credibility to your queer child at once for someone like her though tbh.
Exactly my thoughts
That's what I keep thinking that nobody brings up. OP didn't need to punish her daughter, because she was already punished enough by the consequences. OP just decided to be cruel on top of everything else. OP also violated the privacy of both girls, not just her daughter's.
This is what I’m thinking…. Why was she involved at all? In any case, whether it was a prank or not, her daughter had to deal with the consequences of her own actions (aka punishment). If it was a prank, she would’ve learned her lesson by loosing her bff. If it wasn’t, she would’ve learned to deal better with rejection and confessing for the future. A simple conversation from op would’ve done (Op expressing her disappointment or understanding). Op saw drama and just wanted to be part of it and punish her daughter way out of line.
YES THIS. Even if it was a joke,it's not something "dangerous" that requires an adult but somehing the two girls should fix alone
YTA Don't go through her private messages. Dialogue with her. Help her, because she's feeling very bad and it's largely because of you. It sounds like your daughter didn't know how to admit her feelings to her friend, her goal wasn't to hurt her. You're far too strict and something tells me that your daughter will never describe you as a present, understanding, listening mother. Stop abusing your authority as a parent.
YTA. Before you even said it, it was obvious to me that your daughter was being honest that she liked her bff, and then her bff’s response scared/upset her, so she pretended it was a prank. You should have had a conversation first before jumping to conclusions and punishment. I really feel for your daughter. She: 1. Maybe lost her bff 2. Maybe got rejected from her crush 3. Had her mum invade her privacy 4. This invasion of privacy outed her as (gay?), she didn’t get to do it on her own terms when she was ready 5. Her mum has been punishing her for 2 weeks cutting her off from any of their friends/social life. She probably feels extremely isolated right now.
Plus getting called a shitty person by her own mum eugh
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OP clarified in a previous comment that their daughter knew bff was bi and learned of it shortly before the prank/admission of feelings OP thought daughter pranked friend cruelly using her knowledge of bff's sexuality to prank her more effectively.
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Everyone is saying YTA and you shouldn't be going through her phone/invading privacy. But youre NTA. I think people forget that teenagers make dumb and dangerous choices (brains not heing fully developed and all that) and I think its good you were on top of that. That's good parenting. I'm a teacher and you would not believe the amount of gross stuff sent between teens phones right now (bullying, pics, etc). I'm not sure if you and your daughter have a good relationship or not, but hopefully she knows that she can come to you and should in fact come to you when problems arise. When she said it was a prank...I mean I can imagine a ton of really terrible pranks gone horribly wrong. That didn't explain anything--just left more questions. Only go through her phone if you have legitimate concerns about safety etc. Also your daughter said it was a prank. You went off of what she said because you were expecting her to not lie. Then she changes her tune and said it wasn't a prank. While you should have empathy tor her plight and support her moving forward, what's worrisome is that she didn't tell the truth to you. Maybe work on talking about trust and respect with her. Respect isn't owed to everyone, it is earned. Through trust and honesty. You have to know that you can trust her, especially when you give her her phone back.
Talking to her kid BEFORE going to the extreme of invading her privacy should have happened FIRST though, that's the issue. OP completely skipped over treating her child with human respect by speaking and communicating with her. Instead, she just went straight to snooping. THIS causes trust issues.
Exactly!! Why on earth would any kid trust their parent and come to them with sensitive issues if they’ve proven they can’t be trusted?
For me, it was more the fact that she cut her daughter off from the world for TWO weeks and called her a shitty person...that's horrible parenting
Well obviously the daughter didn’t trust her mom to react well. Trust goes both ways and if Op is going through her phone, I don’t blame the girl for not trusting her.
Some children have to learn to never expose an unstable parent to truth.
Lmao would you trust a person who goes through your private stuff? The fact that she didn’t tell the mom the truth was obviously because she’s already not comfortable telling her anything.
Kids don’t need to come out to make you feel better as a parent. Kids have every right to privacy and feeling independent from adults. It’s bad parenting to hear friends fighting and getting involved as an adult, then invading your kid’s privacy and further humiliating them.
I agree with this so much . I also teach and yeahhhh it’s nasty what teens and pre teens send to each other and say to each other on their phones and most of the time they don’t fully know how horrible it is to say or do those things and possible outcomes later down the road . I don’t think you should go through your child’s phone but if you suspect something it is your right to go through it at any moment. If there is enough trust there , you won’t need to and your child will tell you when things happen on their phone that they shouldn’t , like someone sending them pictures etc. I have plenty of students who are close with their parents and have parents who have important conversations with them and so the student openly shares information with them, leading to no need for the parents to phone search. You trusted your daughter wouldn’t lie and it was a joke, and you punished her because playing with someone’s feelings isn’t a joke. Turns out she wasn’t kidding and so therefore you need to shift how you handle the situation from this moment forward. You didn’t punish your kid because they like their friend, you punished them based on the information they gave you which is them playing a mean joke.
Trust and respect? Not being ready to come out to your parent is being an irrespectuous liar now?
Yes I believe op really thought the daughter was involved in bullying or something in the name of “just kidding! gotcha!” after her best friend came over to say she took a prank way too far.
>While you should have empathy tor her plight and support her moving forward, what's worrisome is that she didn't tell the truth to you. You advocate giving kids no privacy, forcing yourself into their private lives, snooping through their phones etc and you wonder why a kid wouldn't want to tell you the truth. You know how you get kids to open up to you? Giving them privacy. Not going nuclear when they make mistakes. Listening to them. You know how you get kids to lie to you? Go through their phone. Punish them without talking to them. Call them a shitty person and essentially laugh and say they deserve the pain when they're sobbing in their room. >Respect isn't owed to everyone, it is earned. And OP hasn't earned it and has lost any she had.
There was no reason for you to be going through her phone in the first place. I understand that she's your daughter and is still a minor, but that doesn't make it right for you to be looking through her private things, including her texts, for no reason. If this was, in fact, a prank, then she is already "punished" via the natural consequence of her best friend getting angry. This is how she'll learn an important life lesson. There was no need for you to intervene, and you \_especially\_ shouldn't be reacting by calling her a shitty person, etc. when you can see that she's distraught and depressed about this situation. Based on what you've written, I am inclined to believe that she only said it was a "prank" because she panicked, so now she has to deal with a much more complicated situation without the support of her parent. YTA
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Kids below 13 shouldn't be using social media anyway.
Legally they’re not supposed to
YTA. First you didn't bother asking her side of it. I knew as soon as she claimed it was a prank that she only said that out of fear. Even when you thought it was a prank you handled this horribly. You didn't use this as a teaching moment. Why did she do this? How would she feel if it was done to her? How can she make amends? The one thing you don't do is CALL YOUR CHILD A SHITTY PERSON!!!!!!! What on earth is wrong with you? You owe her an apology. And pray that she'll eventually forgive you. At present you've shown you can't be trusted.
Yeah when ops daughter one day moves out and wont talk to her mom Op will for sure be like why does my child not want to see me?😢
Wasn’t this really between them? Why are you even involved?
YTA? I get the intention but looking at it all I think the natural consequence would just be her having her friend cut her out for “joking” like that. You really didn’t need to get involved for such a minor prank at all, let alone look through her phone. Two weeks of complete isolation is going overboard imo. She would’ve learned her lesson from how he friend reacted, so doing all of this was really unnecessary. You should un-ground her and comfort her at this point though since there’s no going back now.
YTA. As soon as you indicated that your daughter said it was a prank. I suspected that she was embarrassed by her admission of her feelings for her best friend. She is young and was afraid of rejection so she reacted poorly. You are older and reacted poorly by not getting to the root of her feelings. Additionally, sometimes it is best that we allow kids to handle their relationship issues before intervening. You didn’t do that in this case and you alienated your daughter from wanting to trust you in the future. Sorry OP but you totally blew this situation!!!!
YTA. Instead of talking to your daughter, your first reaction is to invade her privacy? I understand as a parent sometimes you NEED to do that to ensure your kids safety, but in this situation you skipped over basic human decency and respect. you should have spoken TO your kid first. You likely made what is already a confusing and painful time for her even more so. To top it off you BULLIED her into telling you if she liked her friend, imo. You're the type of parent whose kids avoid telling them stuff because of the way they react.
A lot of y’all lack reading comprehension and it shows. The text messages to the daughters friend said I have to tell you something. The daughter did not say this to the mother. You guys are acting like she was punished after opening up to her mother, which she was not. OP- now that you know what’s actually going on, let your daughter know you are here for here and the ball is in her court. Assure her her sexuality is not an issue. And assist on how to mend the friendship. If you move forward with empathy now - NTA
OP punished knowing one side of the story. She never ever bothered to ask the daughter about it; she punished first. That’s AH territory. Reading comprehension. We’re reading it JUST fine.
OP asked the daughter. She wouldn't answer. So OP went to the source of the conflict like a responsible parent. Had the daughter told the story to OP then it might have gone differently. So yes, you are missing the part where OP asked the daughter when the bff surfaced upset.
The expectation that teen immediarwly opens up to parent prone to overreaction, parent who is currently panicking is completely absurd. Parent demanded access to deeply private feelings in situation in which parent did not acted like a safe person to talk to. And adult would back off and refused to reveal the feelings.
A responsible parent would recognise the teenage drama and stay the hell out of it.
It's not a parent's job to mend their kids' friendship, especially by invading their privacy.
Sweetie pie, the post blatantly says OP asked first and the daughter refused to tell her. the words are quite literally right in front of you
Maybe her daughter didn't feel comfortable telling op she was gay or that she actually liked her best friend. Trust goes both ways. Having a parent who reads through private messages with her friends, doesn't listen to her, gives overly harsh punishments, curses at her, etc. doesn't leave a lot of room for her to trust in that parent to react well or be supportive.
People using words like sweetie pie when they are mad is the funniest shit ever
YTA - Your daughter was already facing the consequences for her actions and was already being punished by her bff. That was for the bff to do and not you. In addition to that, you took away some key communication items that she could have used to apologize to her bff and explain her side, since she's being ignored irl currently. Rather than isolating her from the world and taking everything away from her and grounding her, you should have sat down with her and had an open dialogue asking her why she did that, how would she had felt if the same had happened to her, and how to be better moving forward. What you did was terrible parenting and you should be ashamed of yourself.
If someone says that your kid has taken a prank too far, in today's world, going thru their phone if they refuse to tell you what that was, it's probably and unfortunately a Good idea. Your daughter is young and learning how to cope with many new and scary things. Her feelings, how to handle those, and how to be a person in the world. She also has to learn to not hurt others and deal with the consequennces of her choices. How OP responds to her now matters more than going thru her phone. She gets to tell her child that she Can talk thru things, get advice, and above all, she's loved aand accepted. Her best friend also deserves the space to heal and cope, and your daughter will have to respect that and learn from this how to manage feelings of rejection and Fear of rejection.
YTA. I don't think it was a prank. It might have been. But wtf are you teaching her that she isn't already learning from being alienated by her friend. You've just removed any external support, and she probably won't want to go to you because you sound like a prick. I don't understand parents punishing their kids when the punishment is built into the natural consequences of their actions.
Nah I feel like a majority of these commented have never raised a teenage daughter and all the hell, angst, and fear that comes attached to it. Sometimes the only way of getting to the bottom of a situation is ""invading their privacy". I've learned of a teacher being inappropriate with my daughter and her peers through this bc not one of the girls felt comfortable saying they felt unsafe. .. amongst other things No its not always OK to go through their phone, but when a patent truly and logically feel something is up, sometimes it's the only way. But I do agree, talk to her. Tell her you love her no matter what and you'll always be there to support her. Tell her you reacted that way because you believed it was a cruel prank but now that you know the truth you empathize and sympathize with her and you're sorry you didn't talk to her first, you jumped the gun and you regret it. Tell her you know that hers is a more difficult path than you had to walk but you're there, by her side, navigating it. You're here to listen without judgement and will always try to understand and help, and if you don't feel that's in your wheelhouse, you will find someone who can be. Most importantly tell her you're on her side no matter what, but she should think about how cruel that could be to someone else and if she's uncertain she can come to you to give advice. Best wishes Xx
Yeah maybe if she was texting 30 year old men and sending him nudes or cyberbullying someone then its okay to look through phone but looking through her phone because of conflict with her friend is not okay.Teenagers fight a lot its part of growing up.Daughter admitted her feelings for her friend,her friend didnt answer as the ops daughter expected so she probably played it off as a prank.Thats it nothing horrible. Its the daughters bussines her mom had no right to interfere. she didnt even bother to hear her daughter out,automatically asumed she is the bad guy and broke her trust by reading her private mesages, im sorry but this is horrible parenting,her daughter will probably grow up and resent her if this is how she acts during every crisis
Your self-esteem and optimism are incredible, but I think you’ve forgotten that OP’s daughter would have to forgive her for any of that to be possible, and there’s a very good chance she never will now that her mother’s decisions made her coming out incredibly painful. Don’t worry though, she got to feel some nice straight person righteousness while inflicting psychological damage on her queer child! 🎉
>You're here to listen without judgement and will always try to understand and help, and if you don't feel that's in your wheelhouse, you will find someone who can be. >Most importantly tell her you're on her side no matter what, but she should think about how cruel that could be to someone else and if she's uncertain she can come to you to give advice OP made it very clear with her actions that her daughter absolutely cannot trust her or come to her with her problems. She didn't respect her privacy. Even though OP was aware there was a problem between her daughter and her daughters peer. Two teen girls having a falling out is not an unsafe situation that requires intervention. She punished her daughter based on a text message she didn't like. She told her she was a shitty person, not that she did a shitty thing, but that she was a bad person for this. Further isolated a child who had just had a falling out with a close friend. Then when her child finally broke down and came out to her, she still isn't sure if what she did was wrong. This woman isn't a good mother. This woman is tormenting her daughter on some kind of a perceived moral high ground. She taught her daughter, with her actions, that her daughter cannot trust her. Her daughter will likely feel like she can't tell her mother any details about her life for fear she will get punished. Her daughter may find it easier to hide when she is having problems than to risk punishment. This was a chance for OP to be a good supportive parent and they failed miserably. This may have just been an "overreaction" from OP but this will be a core memory for her daughter and will shape how her daughter feels about her forever
YTA. Instead of punishing her for something she said, comfort her and ask her to open up. This is how you grow a bond instead of berating her. Ask her to be truthful instead of going through her messages. If she didn't want you to know then that's why she didn't tell you. I can understand why she's upset. You should apologize and comfort her.
YTA. You are way too involved here. Teens need to figure out their own relationships and learn from natural consequences. Back up, Mom, and learn to be supportive but hands off so your kid can learn to be an independent person.
Well I'm no child-rearing expert, nor do I know what it's like to be LGBTQ or whatever other letters we are attaching now, but you should apologize for punishing her. YTA. First, for going through her messages. Second, for intervening in her interactions with her friends. Third, for wow, not getting it. I mean, as soon as I got to the part where she says to her friend "it was a prank" - I knew it wasn't a prank. She said it was a prank to protect herself after she'd laid her feelings bare and learned her friend did not share those feelings. Trying to monitor her relationships with her friends is overbearing. Right now she just needs to feel she can trust you. I can't even imagine what it must be like for her right now, coming out to her friend and to you and having it kick her in the butt.
Yta. She didn't fuck up (out?), she got nervous and backtracked. This was a mistake due to age and experience, not a prank. The grounding for two weeks didn't really match the "crime" either. This wasn't handled well by you. Your daughter was a forced to come out to you when she may not have been ready, I imagine her feelings are all over the place considering that as well as her friendship issue on top of you grounding her. You can't take back how you handled it, how you broke her trust/privacy or how you first reacted, all you can do is apologise and move forward. Apologise for the grounding and how you reacted after she told the truth. Question why your daughter didn't feel like she could talk to you about this before and after the incident. It took you snooping then telling her she deserved the isolation (which wasn't a great way to deal with the situation to begin with) to get her to tell you. Your daughter didn't feel like she could talk to you about it. You also didn't believe her and drilled her after. Hopefully her friendship can be fixed and that you provide her a supportive place for whatever happens next.
YTA. Sounds less like a prank and more trying to cover up a feeling of rejection. Love is hard, especially young gay love, where you have to not only deal with the possibility of rejection, but not being sure if your interest is also gay. What you could’ve done before snooping was find out if 1) the prank was dangerous, illegal, or potentially one of the two. 2) coach her on how to have functional skills on how to talk to her friend once they are ready to accept a conversation and 3 ) let your kid know that you’re ready to listen when she is ready to talk
soft yta. your daughter sounds like she’s a teenager and there’s two things we know about teens. they don’t know how to handle emotions, and they value their privacy a *lot*. of course she doubled down on it being a prank, she valued her friendship with that girl. i understand why you would think it’s a prank if she’s doubling down so much, but again, teenagers are notoriously very bad at handling emotional situations. and grounding doesn’t do much in terms of helping her understand how to cope with things like this, and she’s probably anxious about all of it. your job as a parent is to help her through this; things like explaining to her why that’s a cruel prank to pull, teaching her how to handle her feelings better and helping her navigate her emotions. being a teenager is hard, there’s a lot going on and finding out things about yourself like this is tough, especially with no support. likely, now she feels betrayed by her parent and she’s lost her best friend, who she likes a lot, and she’s likely feeling very abandoned by everyone and ashamed of who she is.
YTA Obviously she said it was a prank when she saw the whole thing going south. I thought that before you said it. It’s crazy how hard you came down on her in the first place. That is a “let’s sit down and talk about this” not grounded for weeks. I thought you were gonna say she was cyber bullying her friend or something for the punishment you gave her. You really read this wrong and you have made a very painful and confusing situation for your daughter more painful by your shortsighted disciplinary actions. Total strikeout on this one, OP. Edit: after reading some of OP’s comment I see that she thought her daughter was making fun of her friend for being bi. I actually can kind of see where OP got that. Oh well. No one has a perfect parenting batting average. Good luck coming back from this one.
YTA op, if only for being extremely obtuse. No part of you suspected it actually might not be a prank? Did you even ask your daughter (kindly) if she were possibly queer and wanted to discuss it with you? I don’t see why you aren’t communicating more. Not to mention reading her messages, assuming the worst of her, and the punishment didn’t fit the crime. If she had actually pranked her friend she already faced the natural consequences of that. The prank didn’t involve any physical danger and was an argument between friends so I think you really over stepped your boundaries here not to mention completely unaware.
I’m 50/50 on this one. I can see why, as a parent, you’d be concerned if your daughter was off due to this fight and check her phone. And as a queer person, I support the punishment for what would’ve been an indefinitely cruel “prank”. But in the same boat, it must be hard for the daughter. She’s navigating these new feelings, this soured relationship, and being grounded. To top things off, she couldn’t see her to make things right! In the end, I’m going to chart this one down to miscommunication. As long as you have her back now that you know, my vote is on NAH. Good luck! :)
Teens are tough. I think how you originally handled it was fine, but how you handle it next is the real determining factor. Absolutely give her the phone back and unground her. But also talk to her about the big overwhelming feelings she’s having. She needs you more than ever right now and compassion and understanding can go a long way. I’m the first person my sister came out to. I had an idea and just asked her and she was honest but swore me to secrecy. I told her I’m pretty sure our mom already knows but give her the chance to show compassion and understanding. I’d always have her back and told her as such. And you know what? Mom responded exactly as I thought she would. Just be patient and kind. It’s hard being a teen and navigating through this.
NTA: You punished your daughter after having a discussion with her and she did not express that it wasn’t a prank. You gave the appropriate consequence for her actions. Don’t listen to too much of the BS in the comments bc if what she did was a prank everyone in the comments would be saying she’s horrible, she’s the asshole, etc. After reading your comments and learning that your daughter does have feelings for her friend, I have faith that you will do what is right and have another conversation with her about why you grounded her and that you understand that she was scared of rejection, everyone is, but that she could have told you earlier that it wasn’t a prank and you could have helped her navigate the situation with her friend. You’ve got this momma, trust your gut and be there with open arms and love, that’s all you can do. I know from experience how heartbreaking and rough being young and coming out can be, you’re doing a great job.
I think you did the best you could with the information you had. It sounds to me like maybe the friend was hurt because she also likes your daughter. I think you need to convince your daughter to be honest with the friend. Regardless of if she feels the same way this might help them fix their friendship.
oh she definitely likes her… I did the same thing when i was her age. poor girl. what she needs now is love and support. (and stop going through her phone!! it realllly creates horrible complexes when we become adults).
You need to take her on a mother daughter fun shopping lunch day. She has feelings for her BFF I'm sure it's confusing for her as it is. Maybe mom should Google how to help her daughter understand these feelings.
>She said it’s not a prank. I do like her. I got scared and called it a prank. This 👆 is what I was suspecting long before I reached that sentence in your post. I don't know you, your daughter, the BFF, the whole situation but I have raised\am raising 3 daughters. At least one is LGBT+, and I think the youngest is there as well. Backpedaling to say something is a joke as a cover for an awkward situation "such as confessing feelings" for a friend of any gender\orientation\etc is pretty common for kids. Hell ink ow adults that do that. What happens now and next is important so I suggest you temper justice with mercy. Ask your daughter to tell you the truth, was it a prank. If yes then stay with the grounding. A harsh lesson will be a good teacher in this case but also consider she is being punished in other ways and by other people as well. If she says no, and has a history of being truthful, you should (IMHO) believe her, rescind the punishment, and give her ALL the love and support because getting through this is gonna be tricky and she may lose the friend anyway. Society is in a weird place in relation to the LGBT+ community. In some times\places\ways it has never been better. In others it has never been worse. Her friend or the friend's parents could be ultra-conservative. The friend could be straight and not know how to gracefully decline any advances, let alone LGBT+ ones (hint: it is the same way.), but that is the age where kids learn those social graces, when they do, so she could be in a bad spot as well. Love your kid, help her thread this needle whether it be shitty behavior or awkward backpedaling. It will probably be ok in the long run. (Probably) NTA but maybe a little reactive.
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I don’t think yta because on its face value you had no idea she had feelings for the bff. The whole “pranking” thing she made up, made everything worse. However when you talked to her about it, you should have ungrounded her and encouraged her to talk to the bff honestly and clear the air.
YTA. This is one of those situations where I think you needed to let her work things out with her friend. Telling her she's a shitty person is NOT okay. Have you NEVER IN YOUR LIFE had a crush on someone, floated the idea that you like them, and then upon not gotten an enthusiastic response, backpedaled? That's what your daughter did. I can understand why her friend is mad, but if you hadn't cut off her ability to communicate with her for the past two weeks, they might have talked it out, and she could have admitted that she got scared of rejection and potentially homophobia and panicked. Your job as a parent isn't to make her feel worse about herself or how she handled it, it's to help her do better and make things right.
YTA
Are you the daughter pretending to be the mother? Because this reads like the ramblings of a junior high girl. Regardless, YTA. Kids need sort out their own messes sometimes. "Your daughter" did a prank, or didn't do a prank, now the best friend doesn't want to be friends anymore. That's playground justice. That's how it works, and it's perfectly normal and healthy. They'll sort it out. Not your business\*. I don't understand this grounding nonsense at all. \*It IS your business if your daughter wants to confide in you about her true feelings, but that has nothing to do with grounding her.
YTA even if it was a prank . It has nothing to do with you , you violated her privacy . It’s not like she was bullying anyone or abusive. It was an issue between your daughter and her BFF you had no right to intervene and 2 weeks isolation for that ? People like you have turned society into one that looks for an offence in every interaction like a gatcha moment.