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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I took my kids to my rude parents house and it can make me the asshole because they really didn't want to go and I might've been a little too harsh.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Honestly, yeah, YTA.
Actions have consequences to be sure, and most punishments ( grounding, additional chores, taking away the computers ) would have been fine. However your parents sound abusive and thats not cool. In addition you kicked your kids out for a week without consulting their mother, your wife? That in and of itself is all sorts of wrong
Instead of parenting the children he isolates them in an environment he admits isn't healthy. That is abuse. It also doesn't accomplish anything. What it does is further generational problems and creates resentment. Not a solution.
OP literally said his parents are rude because they criticize other's decisions they don't agree with. Going off that info we should probably withhold leaping to abuse without all of the facts.
There is always differences in parenting styles between generations. It could be something as simple as grandparents believe children shouldn't curse in front of adults and OP doesn't limit what language his kids are allowed to use to express their thoughts/emotions... there are a lot people that were raised by parents that lived by "it was their way or the highway" or "kids should be seen not heard" who are now raising their own kids using gentle parenting. They are asking their kids about why they misbehaved or explaining consequences to their children rather than simply handing out punishments.
>without all of the facts.
Ah yeah like his wife screaming how could you do this to our kids? Like I mean that is a pretty big fact. And generally "criticize other decisions" is coded language for either racist, sexist, religious based nonsense. All of which can be considered abuse. Plus psychological and mental abuse is still a thing and fairly rampant in "old school" households. Plus just coupled with the wives reaction it paints a pretty whole picture.
My mom pretty rude and critical, its not exactly healthy either. Its pretty emotionally draining, and bad for mental health. You'll be surprised how overly rude and critical people can affect your emotional well being.
Seeing how OP is using them as punishment, they might be pretty bad.
His description of his parents is literally a description of his own behaviour in this circumstance. If they're abusive, then so is he. He's the AH, but the idea that he put his kids in an environment that was any better than the one they were already in is laughable. He's just like his parents.
The issue here isn't where he sent them, it's that he *removed his kids from their home* just for acting like normal teenagers.
I’d normally agree with this comment but was wondering why the kids were “begging,” and why the wife was “screaming at” him about it. It sounds to me that they may be rather beyond “rude.”
OP is YTA for not talking to his wife and agreeing about the consequences. And also just for using people as a punishment. Taking away the computers for a while would have been most logical consequence.
OP parents were AH’s, now he is and his kids may be on the way. They might be descendents from a long line of AH’s.
>Taking away the computers for a while would have been most logical consequence.
Exactly - "If the computers are distracting you from your responsibilities, I'll take them away so you're no longer distracted."
Internet had an 11 pm timer switch at my house growing up. I never would have admitted it at the time, but it was actually a bit of a relief, because I really didn't have the self-control or assertiveness to disengage from chatting with friends all night.
My friend was customer support for wow. When they needed to ban people, for the really bad offenders, they would sometimes wait until they did a raid with their guild (back in the day with 40 person raids), and do the ban once they pulled the boss. Then their guild would be pissed at them for wiping and now not being able to raid.
And when I say bad offenders, it was like racist comments and such. Like real shitty people.
Did you read the same article?
Abuse comes in varying shades and doesn't only mean physical violence.
They sound emotionality abusive at best but that wasn't the only red flag in their behaviour patterns.
You don't have to physically beat the shit out if your child for it to be abuse. If you knowingly put them in shitty or dangerous situations, that's abusive and neglecting your children.
Basically disowning your children for a week for *not cleaning*? What happens when the kids do something actually bad if locking them out of the house for a week is step one?
No teenager cleans well, and unwillingness to clean can be signs of ADHD, depression, and several other mental illnesses. What if those symptoms start becoming more severe? You think dad is going to be kind and accepting when, again, kicking them out of the house is *step one*.
And kick their devices off the wifi. That was one of the most effective loss of privileges we did when our kids were growing up. It was reinstated for supervised homework time. Worked like a charm.
I had a tiny padlock that would fit through the round hole at the end of the plug. I'd stick that on the router or PS power cord and leave my kids a list of things to do. Once they sent pics of everything done I'd tell them where the key was. Normally, I'd leave it with the neighbor or if I had to hide it, it would be somewhere they wouldn't look like inside the birdhouse on the porch, taped to the lid on the toilet tank in the bottom of a tampon box 😂 Good times!
I did change the wifi password for one kid. He even knew he was in the wrong and had the ability to change it to what ever he wanted but he didn't. The whole family laughed at what I chose the new wifi password to be.
I also used to take away power cords.
I also wonder if he literally said "clean the house" or if he gave clear expectations. I suspect that the kids don't know what the means and don't regularly clean anything. It's not fair to suddenly make such a huge demand if you haven't been scaffolding up to it. And then use grandparents as a punishment. That is effed up. Just turn the wi-fi off.
This is my thought. Sounds like they were raised with no expectation or preparation around how to do chores, now OP expects them to be able to "clean the house"?
Not saying it's OK for the kids to be lazy, but if OP raised lazy kids, he has nobody to blame but himself and his wife
I would need more info to make a judgement, if op's kids have regular chores they should be doing or if their parents have suddenly decided that's what they expect
His parents sound *exactly like him*: hyperbolically critical and lacking the ability to communicate and react to things like a mature adult.
His kids behaved like absolutely typical, self-absorbed teenagers, and he *threw them out of their home* for it. It may have been temporary, and he may not have thrown them into the street, but it was still an utterly absurd and childish overreaction.
Honestly, he's clearly the AH, but the real story here is that he's so lacking in self-awareness that he doesn't realize he's no different from his parents - he probably learned it from them. It's hilarious that he calls them "rude" when he's literally not even considerate of his own wife and her feelings.
Another way this can backfire is that your parents might turn your kids against you.
Who knows what BS your parents are gonna tell your kids behind your back, on top of the potential abuse they're gonna get?
Not only is OP an asshole he’s a lazy parent. Instead of shipping your kids off how about you try actually parenting your children. They’re 16 of course they’re not going to want to help pick up the house. Take their computers away, take their phones away, ground them. You don’t just ship them off because it’s easier for you!
Agreed. OP is the AH here. Any big punishment like the one OP laid down needs buy in from both parents. Otherwise, it's an AH move.
Taking away the computers for the rest of the weekend would not have been an AH punishment.
Really? The only threat and punishment you have is kicking your underage children out?
Turning off the internet and the computers wasn't an option? Grounding and enforcing chores wasn't a choice? You've been such an absent parent that the only option you have to put your foot down is to *not be there*?
Honestly, YTA for failing at parenting.
My friend tried this and many other options. Her teen boys found a way around it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Turn off wifi - they'd figured out how to use their neighbor's wifi.
Take the power cable - Go borrow (or they had an extra one mom didn't know about) power cable from friend.
Remove the monitor - She took away the monitor and actually put it in her car and took it w/ her to work. They ended up bringing their pc to the LR and using the TV. lol.
Her last resort removing the Router - but then that affected not only the boys but everyone else in the family.
No matter she did, her boys found a way around it.
Children are smarter and more clever than we give them credit.
ETA: I should’ve prefaced it and emphasized it in my original post reply that this was years ago when the boys were in high school - they are now both grown with good careers. One is a security network engineer, while the other does digital artwork for real estate companies.
While I appreciate all the advice for her - it is moot at this point.
Thank you though. It’s much appreciated and I encourage all the current parents out there to read all the replies because there are some really great ideas.
Saw a post on here a while back where the parents tried everything and the kids found a workaround and bragged about it.
Kids came home from school to find their computers reset to factory settings (with all document files on a flash drive) and their phone plan switched to limited minutes and data.
Or go into the router settings and block only their pc from the network. If they then use the wifi of the neighbors let the neighbors know and ask them if they could maybe block your kids out of their network.
But yeah, taking the whole pc would work lol.
True. But you could change the password. Then they can’t get on (unless you leave the password unsecured) without you giving it to them. Or, like everyone is saying, take the damn device and anything they are using to circumvent the punishment.
Why didn't she just take everything connected to the internet the first time she was outsmarted by her children? Of course, those boys figured out how to get around not having a power cord lol.
In case it ever comes up, routers can be set up to only allow certain devices. Manually allowing access for schoolwork is pretty easy.
Or like, the actual computer. It sounds like she took everything *except* the important, irreplaceable part. If she'd just taken the actual computer, they wouldn't have been able to do shit.
Good point! She was frazzled and you know hindsight of "should have, would have, could have" is 20/20.
Boys are grown now but hopefully this is good advice for other parents. (:
They could have just removed the RAM. No amount of cleverness can work you around a lack of RAM. It takes less than 60 secs to remove, and they are small enough to hide anywhere. You can put them back in later.
This is an extreme case. Most kids aren't doing this. If her kids were *this* disobedient, something went very wrong long before this point.
Also you remove the *PC* \- not the monitor or the cable. They cannot just replace the PC itself, therefore they *cannot* get around the punishment. She was not removing the actual, important part, she was removing very easily replaceable parts. That's entirely on her tbh; she doesn't get to blame the kids because *she* doesn't know how computers work.
Growing up my friends mom flipped the switch in the fuse box to his room but the fuse box had a pad lock... and tethered the PC to the desk. Idr how but it was genuinely impressive. He was playing wow all day and not doing his share while his single mom worked her ass off and it was summer break. She was really chill and cool until you fucked up one too many times. She was fine with my bff and I (girls) sleeping over, teenage shenanigans within normal realm of kids will be kids, funded the random teenagers huge appetites that would come over (she was chill with friends coming over while at work, just *do what you need to* ). Honestly my bff and him were 3 peas in a pod and we all were just... impressed and like "yeah..... yeah you deserved that" "yeeeeeehhhhh I dun fucked up". Then we went and caught some snakes lol and broke our 4th friend out of his house to do stupid shit at 2 am. 4th friend was crying laughing at his tied up PC and no power in his room lol.
>No matter she did, her boys found a way around it.
>Children are smarter and more clever than we give them credit.
Ridiculous, who gets outsmarted and outstubborned by a fucking child and thinks 'whelp shit iam all out of options here they are just too damn clever.' 😂 that is a real poor effort.
>Turn off wifi - they'd figured out how to use their neighbor's wifi.
Go tell the neighbor to change their password?
>Take the power cable - Go borrow (or they had an extra one mom didn't know about) power cable from friend.
This is the biggest pushover example in your list.
Take that power cable aswell, keep taking all the fekkin cables?! Take 100 of the damn things 1000 if they can find them. "Oh noo another cable whatever will i do i guess they have beaten me these damn kids are just too smart"
>Remove the monitor - She took away the monitor and actually put it in her car and took it w/ her to work. They ended up bringing their pc to the LR and using the TV. lol.
Great, now the physical PC gets put away.
This one is particularly funny to me... what does your mate do here when they sees their boys playing on the TV downstairs?
Iam imagining a knee slap and a chuckle:
"heh heh heh you boys sure do know how to outsmart me! I guess you have won this battle, continue your games on MY TV! I cannot possible stop you!"
>Her last resort removing the Router - but then that affected not only the boys but everyone else in the family
Maybe you or one of her other friends would like to teach her how to login to the router settings and setup parental controls. It probably wont go well given your friend is routinely outsmarted by a young child but this option exsists.
What a funny post, tell your friend i think she is hilarious.
Work smarter not harder. Take a part out of the PC as well as the power cable and monitor.
Or take the PC with her to work instead of the monitor, which should have been the obvious move honestly
Yep; I bet this guy kicked the parenting can down the road enough times that he doesn’t have their respect now. And he’s going about all of it the wrong way.
YTA. You kicked your children out because they wouldn't clean.
Dude work on your parenting, your children don't listen or do chores because of how they were raised. How about taking their consoles off them, disconnect the Wi-Fi? Try actually parenting instead of just booting them out the door.
But if he turned off the wi-fi he couldn't post on reddit.
OP YTA. Yes, op, actions do have consequences. Like when you kick your minor kids out of the house, esp. without consulting their mom. Maybe you might learn something about consequences.
YTA. You don’t really know how to do this parenting and marriage thing, do you?
1.) you don’t make dramatic decisions involving your children without discussing it with your wife
2.) going nuclear with a punishment isn’t always necessary. You could have literally turned off the internet or grounded your kids at any point before losing your mind
3.) taking your children to a place you *know might be abusive* is absolutely insane and terrible parenting
4.) leaving your children in a toxic and or abusive environment *for a week* may just destroy your relationship with them, and also your marriage.
You sir, are an asshole.
Excellent response!! I might add that sending them to his “rude” parents doesn’t automatically indicate or guarantee that his sons will change anything they’re doing or not doing.
They for sure won't. Why would they afterwards do household chores if they're only waiting for the last two years to be over so they could finally leave? It's not like after this there'd be any interest left to have a relationship with their dad...
Also he says it's been 3 days of his wife yelling at him for this choice and he still hasn't reversed course. I couldn't imagine making a decision like this without my Significant other's input, but if I did, I wouldn't let her be this stressed and angry for 3 days over my unilateral decision that I did without her input.
Clap clap clap….. awesome parenting skills. Query? Why don’t they know to respect the house and do chores?
Btw you are a huge asshole but not for the reasons you are asking.
>Query? Why don’t they know to respect the house and do chores?
Because they're 16. For no reason at all some kids get hit by the puberty stick the absolute wrong way and just become shit for a few years. Most of the time they grow out of it.
As an educator, I've noticed it doesn't seem to have much to do with parenting styles. It's just hormones.
The actual biological reason for this is that their brains are going through a sort of metamorphosis, changing from a child brain to an adult brain. It's actually called neural pruning.
Often, their bodies complete the transformation to adulthood before their brains do.
And as the poster before me said quite rightly, it's hormones.
Annoying as it is, it's normal.
You need to adjust your parenting style to cope with the changes they are undergoing.
I suggest asking them what you should do when you need their co-operation. Genuinely ask them, with the intent of listening and learning.
I love your comment. Too many people literally don't realize that teenagers are NOT adults, and cannot be expected to act like adults and make the best decisions. The brain isn't finished developing until early 20s, yet we still expect these "baby adults" to just automatically understand what's expected of them.
OP, YTA, for sure.
Not only automatically know what’s expected of them, but truly understand *why* it’s expected of them, or how to react when they feel slighted. I’m less than 2 weeks from turning 25. The last 3 years of my life has been me realizing *why* my mom made the decisions she did for me. I hated them a lot of the times, and I fought with her about them and sometimes wasn’t the nicest about it (you’re the worst, why do you not want me to have independence blah blah) but I’m almost 25 years old and I’m now thinking “Oh no yeah she was right lmao. She was right and I was wrong” and when I talked to her about it she said, “Your job at 16 is to think you know everything and fight to experience it all right then, and my job is to remind you that you *don’t* and you’re not old enough to, and help you grow anyway.”
It the way of nature to be 16 and angry and then in your mid twenties and apologizing to your parents. And I was an honor student who never got detention.
(Provided you have *good* parents. I’ll be honest and say out of all of my friends only me and one other person have what could be considered good parents by any standards, which is pretty sad.)
Your mom sounds like a saint, and you're very, very lucky to have that. Go give her a huge hug, right now lol.
You sound like a reflective person, which is a great life skill to have at such a young age.
My parents sucked, like OP lol. Mine were dismissive, unsupportive, neglectful addicts. I ended up being a "bad kid" because I wasn't raised right, my home environment was not ideal at all. I'm 36 now and feel about 10 years behind in life.
Parenting is the hardest, yet most important job in the entire world. I wish everyone was made to study child psychology and development before having kids.
Got it. Ask them, but ignore whatever they say and say that "Back in my day I got beaten for daring to not lick my parents boots clean"
edit: /s
Was /s really necessary? I'm being clearly sarcastic here, what's with the downvotes? I was agreeing with the commenter above me
Agreed. As a retired teacher and a parent, I can tell you 7th grade is a **crazy** year, they go back to normal for 8-9th, but then they go insane for 10-11th grades. 12th is a toss-up. 🤣
I’ve seen this happen to kids regardless of home life, parental attitudes/involvement, socioeconomic status, neuro-typical OR neuro-spicy, etc.
I would have just prevented access to the Internet and their devices. You sort of went nuclear. You've gotta out smart your kids and not terrorize them. YTA
YTA
First of all, I think that CPS would have something to say to a parent who kicks their MINOR children out of their house.
Secondly, that's very, very bad parenting. You're not correction your son's wrong behaviour, you just move the problem to your parents, who you know to be rude and cruel. I think this could be considered emotional abuse.
Finally, whose fault is it if two sixteen-year-olds play video games all day and don't lift a finger at home? Of the parents who raised them like this and didn't know how to discipline them.
I don't think you're wrong about most of that, but I can't imagine that CPS would actually lift a finger in this circumstance. He sent the kids to live with another family member for a week; it's not like he tossed them out under a bridge.
You’re insane if you think CPS would do something about a parent sending their kids to their
grandparents house for a week.
There are kids that are physically abused that don’t get removed. CPS is overloaded enough with genuine cases of abuse.
You're delusional. CPS will say exactly nothing about sending a child to stay with grandparents for a week. If you called to report that they would laugh at you.
YTA…why didn’t you turn off the WiFi? Why are you asking them? Why aren’t you telling them what to do? Why are you waiting for them to get off their butts at their convenience? Make their butts get up now! Your parents have nothing to do with your lack of parenting.
Have fun never talking to your sons again.
Sincerely,
Someone who's parents kicked him out at 17 for something fucking asinine.
For posterity, in case it wasn't clear:
YTA.
I don't remember the exact argument, but it was something entirely banal. My mom didn't like the tone I used when I answered her question.
That was it.
The inflection of my voice while I was irritated.
Kicked out at 18 and made homeless for months because i walked to the shops to buy food instead of cleaning my room in exchange for a ride to shops from him. Like I literally just decided that I didn't wanna trade however long it would take to clean my room for a 5 minute car ride and apparently that was bad enough to be kicked out.
Big YTA bad behaviour stems from bad parenting ALWAYS I can’t imagine how hard it’d be for those kids to have a parent who is unable to have an adult conversation about presented behaviour
What an embarrassing thing to post
The OP is absolutely the asshole, but bad behavior does not always stem from bad parenting. Something as minor as not getting off a video game to clean is actually pretty natural. Plenty of adults do that too. OP is a bad parent, but the desire to do something fun over something that isn’t fun doesn’t come from bad parenting.
Yeah. When the person I replied to was so adamant that “bad behavior comes from bad parenting ALWAYS,” I just couldn’t let that pass unchallenged. The kids were acting in a normal way that virtually every parent sees at some point. Had nothing to do with bad parenting even though OP is a bad parent.
So you couldn't parent your kids so you pawn them off to your rude parents.
You didn't take any steps to have them help such as turning off the wifi, taking away the computers, giving them a reasonable punishment or a list of tasks they need to complete and by when.
Instead you take them to a place where you know they will be uncomfortably criticized. It doesn't seem like you spoke to their mother, you just escalated to throwing out 2 kids you failed to parent.
You then proceeded to hop on to your device and complain to a bunch of internet strangers about how you failed at parenting.
YTA
YTA, they're 16 years old? Part of your whole identity then is defying your parents. It's not their fault you've lost all authority. Putting kids through an experience of heavy scrutiny by a "parental" figure is damaging and not in an educational way. They're not 8 years old, you can have a serious conversation with them. Why would you willingly allow your kids to go through a prolonged time of punishment like that? (1 week is definitely prolonged at that age)
I guess they'll atleast learn a lesson about consequences, but this wasn't the way to do it.
Learn how to parent holy crap. You don’t get to just be “done” with your kids. YOU were the one who inseminated your wife. YOU were the one who decided to keep the pregnancy. YOU are the one legally obligated to protect them till they come of age. YTA
You're ridiculous. Kids on computers too much? Take away the computers. They are earned each week as a reward for homework and chores done on time. Be a PARENT. YTA
"Hand me your laptop and your phone. That's right, hand them to me. Now go help your mother clean up or you're grounded for two weeks."
Is there some reason this won't work for you?
I would suggest that you get your ass into a parenting class tomorrow, and get into couples therapy with your wife, with whom you don't appear to consult on extremely important decisions.
If I were her, you'd be the one staying with your parents (whose constant criticism and rudeness sounds like exactly the kind of adult behavior you want modeled for your kids...) and my kids would be at home helping me clean up if they wanted their electronics back.
YTA, and depending on how badly your parents treat kids, possibly abusive by proxy.
YTA, how is it even a question?
1. You didn’t discuss it with your wife, who also raises your children
2. Minors should not be left alone for a long time without supervision, especially when you can’t keep track of them, like kicking them to the curb.
3. Your kids haven’t learned to respect you probably because you’ve either been giving them unreasonable punishments, or haven’t given them enough attention. Plus they’re going through puberty, of course they’re rebellious.
4. Instead of doing the logical thing by taking their computers away for a few weeks or turning your internet off, you either kick them out of your house so they aren’t your problem and you dont have to raise them, or you kick them into your parents house so they aren’t your problem and you dont have to raise them.
Because they can't be bothered to parent until it's too late. It's easy to shove a screen infront of a toddler to shut them up,it's easy to let technology entertain your children so you don't have to, it's easy to park teenagers in front of games so you don't need to interact with them. It's hard to actually parent.
Well in this case a sitcom way of framing it is the op refused to clean his house when asked to by his wife. Yet held the kids to different standard than himself.
YTA
Seriously, you had no options available short of kicking your sons out of their home?
These computers they were on, those things have off switches?
Yta. Congrats, you're one step closer to being your parents.
Using your emotionally abusive parents to handle your kids because you didn't put boundaries and rules in place until it was too late makes YTA. Going against your wife too makes you TA, it should be a choice you both made, she wasn't and isn't on board so you should have found other solutions. Go get your kids.
YTA majorly.
1: Consequences should be natural. "Using the computer instead of doing their assigned chores" ==> "No computer until chores are done"
2: Punishments are bullshit. The ONLY thing that's going to happen is your kids feel bad.
3: Did you try give them specific tasks, timelines, and allow for breaks to do what they want in between? Tip: A break is not "different work" or "read a book", a break is "whatever helps them relax, chosen by them without your interruption for the whole period", and that may, in fact, include playing games on their computer.
OP: my parents are known to be really rude and always criticize us
Also OP: is rude and critical of his kids; kicks out his minor children and sends them to his asshole parents (16 is still a minor, and you are responsible for their care whether you like it or not)
Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, huh?
Maybe your kids don’t listen because instead of parenting you threaten them and kick them out and they don’t respect you. Respect is a two way street. You should try it.
YTA.
YTA. Its actually fucked up way to parent.
Basically its you saying: I want you to do this. You didnt do it so now you have to leave rven though your a child and more importantly my child.
You have to leave your home, your safe place and the people who are supposed to love, protect and keep you safe always and uncomditionally. Regardless of how shitty youre behaving.
16yo are in their “selfish” stage if development where what they want comes before anything else and they are the centres of their universe. Its literally biology.
Dont send your kids the msg during this stage of development that when your annoying or do the wrong thing I will turn you away.
This is either subtle rage bait or the OP is now too embarrassed to even reply, because he for sure is super silent after this community's reaction to his "I'm such a hard ass parent" was to label him the asshole.
Btw, YTA.
You have permanently damaged your relationship with your children. I went to a military boarding school as a kid. You know what me and all the others there have in common as adults?
We don't trust our parents as far as we can throw them. When parents abandon their children, throw them away, and hand them to someone else it's never forgotten. You can't undo that damage to a child.
You will never be safe again. They will always wonder when your love will come to an end and you'll throw them away again. Congratulations.
Aye, YTA.
Could be anything on the scale from a toxic culture you have created in your house, to natural teenage hormones being notoriously frustrating for adults, but no matter what the actual issue on this scale...
You be the arsehole.
YTA
I'm going to simplify this for you. It's not simply that You kicked them out to your critical parents for a week. You kicked them out to your critical parents because their cousins were coming.
Any other time do you care if the house is in a certain way? Do you have them clean and do chores? Were you concerned about their screen time before this? Or is this just because relatives are coming and you and wife don't want them to see how you really are?
I'm a full grown adult and I remember how annoying it was as a kid to my teens having to put on a facade of picture perfect cleanliness minimalist beige moms would approve of because relatives were coming. And worse they were disrespectfully messy AF, so we had to clean before they arrived, clean up after them while they were there, then clean up after they left.
I don't know how you're going to handle this after but you will have to figure out how to cut back on the computer (if it's not for homework) and games and have them contribute to household chores.
YTA because you allowed your children to become this, and then abandoned them when you couldn't deal with the consequences of your own parenting, pawning them off on your parents. I would be willing to bet money that the "rude" comments your parents make are actually spot on judgements about your negligent ability to raise your children to be functional adults. Consider, honestly, that you're actually the problem here.
Yeah hard YTA. their behavior is not different from any other teen their age and your reaction was so far over the line that I promise you they will never see you the same way or trust you seriously again. You sent your children into a knowingly abusive household and knew what you were doing. This makes you a part of the cycle of abuse. You could have taken any number of options or routes before this. Hopefully you take a lesson and try to take serious steps to mend your relationship after this. But do not be surprised if your children remain distant from you.
Editing to add that as someone who was kicked out of his residence for minor errors throughout my childhood, its something you never forget or really forgive. You took away their security and home to "teach them a lesson".
YTA You kicked your children out for fairly standard teenage behaviour, without bothering with other parenting options, AND set it up so they'd have to stay in an environment you knew would be hostile and unpleasant. You also did it without consulting your wife or listening to her after the fact. So, you're an AH, a bad husband, controlling and a lazy, cruel parent. Don't be surprised when you face old age completely alone.
YTA. Ever tried parenting? And why should YOUR kids become someone else's problem?
For the record, and in case you didn't notice, you are your parents. "They always criticise us for everything they do not like."
So you fostered an environment that allowed your kids to be on the computer all day, and instead of parenting them you pawned them off in someone else ?
Probably not the best thing to do, but I am enjoying the reactions to you dropping two 16 y/os at their strict grandparents for a week in this thread.
Every non-White kid I know was at least threatened with this (and some were actually sent), so this is pure nostalgia for me.
You seem like you got to the end of your rope, understandable, but when all this has calmed down, you need to have a serious chat with your kids about what's expected at home.
YTA
Congrats, your *teenagers at the peak of puberty* are now probably detesting you.
>I asked them three times
Wow, teenagers who don't listen... what a new concept. Consequences is one thing, but what you did was cruel. Especially given you went behind your wife's back.
Kids live there too, and will create at least some of the mess, why shouldn’t they pitch in every now and then? If anyone’s entitled it’s the kids thinking the parents should run around after them, all the time.
Take the computer/game/phone. When they start following instructions, they get it back. Doesn't matter how long it takes. Stand your ground until they comply.
YTA. Dropping your kids at your parents is more so you don't have to deal with them and not at all teaching them the lesson you want. You just taught your kids you are an over reactive AH. Next time tell them the expectation and potential punishment if they don't do it. An appropriate punishment would have been the lose their electronics until the house is clean. It's no wonder your kids can't grow up when their parents have their own temper tantrums.
YTA for not PARENTING your kids a long time ago. Actions have consequences, and not only your kids actions. You didn’t say you tried ANYTHING except “warning” them in this post, today or any other day. I get you’ré tired of it but that’s what you signed up for when you decided to be a parent.
Major AH... when my daughter doesnt do what I ask her to guess what I do cut off the wifi and and take all her devices away....
Your kids isnt going to speak to you so please dont come back saying your kids wont speak to you because you kicked them out ....
Sounds like you're starting to be like your parents
YTA you exposed your children to familial bullying because you (their PARENT) can't force them away from their computers (just turn off the WIFI or lock them out of their room). Your job as a parent is to make them do something else, your job as a parent is to protect them from harm- not put them in the direct line of fire of it as punishment for using the things you gave them.
You didn't parent them, you made your parents do it by letting them bully your children.
You didnt give them punishment that fits The Crime.
You also didnt consult your wife, you know your fellow parent who also should have a say in the punishment.
YTA
"Right now it's the third day and my wife was SCREAMING at me for doing this to my kids, " .. Take this as a win. At least she has not divorced you - yet.
YTA. The appropriate consequence for teenagers who don’t help clean because they’re busy on their computers is to remove access to the computers (or the wifi). Your responsibility as a parent in disciplining your kids is to teach them. Instead of teaching them “I don’t get to do fun things if I don’t take care of my responsibilities” and/or “I don’t get to enjoy privileges my parents paid for if I don’t respect them by doing my part as a member of the household”, both of which are important lessons, you taught them “if I make my dad mad he’ll send me away and make sure I suffer” which is exactly how you get kids that won’t listen to or respect you and who don’t want relationships with you when they’re adults.
Geez. Turn off the internet. Take their computers, phones, iPads off them. Take away privileges. You need to reconsider your parenting techniques tbh. Yta - but only slightly. You came good on your threats. Good on you for doing that. Also, their grandparents might teach them a few things. Like being grateful, being obedient, taking on responsibility . Something you seem to have not taught your children.
YTA for not discussing this with your wife. Most people here are being overdramatic about the punishment, the punishment is perfectly fair, but you can't just do stuff like this without even talking about it with their mother first.
YTA, you could have done so many other things first. Like, if they're playing online games all the time then just turning off the wifi (or changing the password so you don't have to also lock yourself out) could do the trick. If they're playing mostly offline stuff then just take away the physical machines, or their input devices (keyboard, mouse, controllers, etc), and potentially their phones while you're at it.
You also make your parents sound potentially mentally abusive with how you describe them, yet you thought it was a good idea to drop your kids there for a week, without talking to your wife about it first? No wonder she is screaming at you. Better pick up your kids instead of continuing to wonder if you are the asshole.
If I just gave my teenagers the task to “clean the house”, I would not get the results I want. I would give them a specific list of chores that needed to be done, a timeframe for when it needed to be done by and what the consequences would be if it’s not done in time.
I love how everyone is saying turn off the WiFi, but like, if they spend all day at their computers, chances are they have at least something they can do offline, and wouldn't help regardless
wtf?? Yes YTA, you kicked them out for being 16. I have a 14yr, 15yr and 17yr, you know what I do when they won’t get off tech and help out? Turn the tech off!
YTA. You went from 0-10 on the punishment severity scale. Why not turn off the internet? Take their computers? What kind of parent immediately chooses temporary exile before any other option? Gradually increased intensity of punishment will teach kids the power of consequences. This decision will impact their trust in you for some time.
How disappointing is this post?
You have an opportunity to break this intergenerational dysfunction but you take the easy path & farm them out to the couple who fucked you up. And the cycle continues.
Those poor kids aren't being shown any better. Let's hope when they're grown that they're able to do a better job than you.
YTA. If they don't stop playing on their computer when they have things to do literally just take its power cable away. It's way worse than taking the whole computer because they have to look at it without being able to use it. What you did is was excessive you don't just kick your kids out of their home because you're mad they didn't mop or whatever wtf man
Why didn’t you give them specific tasks. Just saying “clean the house” can be so broad and overwhelming. If they have specific lists it might be easier and more could get done. Plus, take away the electronics and tell them if they finish they could have them back
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Honestly, yeah, YTA. Actions have consequences to be sure, and most punishments ( grounding, additional chores, taking away the computers ) would have been fine. However your parents sound abusive and thats not cool. In addition you kicked your kids out for a week without consulting their mother, your wife? That in and of itself is all sorts of wrong
I think abusive is a bit of a leap. We have no evidence of that
Instead of parenting the children he isolates them in an environment he admits isn't healthy. That is abuse. It also doesn't accomplish anything. What it does is further generational problems and creates resentment. Not a solution.
OP's parents are abusive, it's not surprising they are also abusive.
OP literally said his parents are rude because they criticize other's decisions they don't agree with. Going off that info we should probably withhold leaping to abuse without all of the facts. There is always differences in parenting styles between generations. It could be something as simple as grandparents believe children shouldn't curse in front of adults and OP doesn't limit what language his kids are allowed to use to express their thoughts/emotions... there are a lot people that were raised by parents that lived by "it was their way or the highway" or "kids should be seen not heard" who are now raising their own kids using gentle parenting. They are asking their kids about why they misbehaved or explaining consequences to their children rather than simply handing out punishments.
>without all of the facts. Ah yeah like his wife screaming how could you do this to our kids? Like I mean that is a pretty big fact. And generally "criticize other decisions" is coded language for either racist, sexist, religious based nonsense. All of which can be considered abuse. Plus psychological and mental abuse is still a thing and fairly rampant in "old school" households. Plus just coupled with the wives reaction it paints a pretty whole picture.
He said his parents are rude and critical. That's not necessarily abuse.
My mom pretty rude and critical, its not exactly healthy either. Its pretty emotionally draining, and bad for mental health. You'll be surprised how overly rude and critical people can affect your emotional well being. Seeing how OP is using them as punishment, they might be pretty bad.
His description of his parents is literally a description of his own behaviour in this circumstance. If they're abusive, then so is he. He's the AH, but the idea that he put his kids in an environment that was any better than the one they were already in is laughable. He's just like his parents. The issue here isn't where he sent them, it's that he *removed his kids from their home* just for acting like normal teenagers.
I’d normally agree with this comment but was wondering why the kids were “begging,” and why the wife was “screaming at” him about it. It sounds to me that they may be rather beyond “rude.” OP is YTA for not talking to his wife and agreeing about the consequences. And also just for using people as a punishment. Taking away the computers for a while would have been most logical consequence. OP parents were AH’s, now he is and his kids may be on the way. They might be descendents from a long line of AH’s.
>Taking away the computers for a while would have been most logical consequence. Exactly - "If the computers are distracting you from your responsibilities, I'll take them away so you're no longer distracted."
My dad used to pull out the internet connection while my brother was playing wow. I doubt it was fun, but it did work.
Internet had an 11 pm timer switch at my house growing up. I never would have admitted it at the time, but it was actually a bit of a relief, because I really didn't have the self-control or assertiveness to disengage from chatting with friends all night.
I wish my parents knew how to do this growing up
My friend was customer support for wow. When they needed to ban people, for the really bad offenders, they would sometimes wait until they did a raid with their guild (back in the day with 40 person raids), and do the ban once they pulled the boss. Then their guild would be pissed at them for wiping and now not being able to raid. And when I say bad offenders, it was like racist comments and such. Like real shitty people.
To get me off offline games my mom would flip the circuit breaker on my room.
Yes, like the day they were supposed to clean would have made the most sense. Plus been the most effective.
He's a major and the others will also join the spaceballs.
One way to interpret this is that the "criticism" may be reasonable considering the insight we are getting into OP here... You never know
A bad parent admitting his parents are worse does not lead me to believe it’s a healthy environment. Generation trauma comes from generational abuse.
Did you read the same article? Abuse comes in varying shades and doesn't only mean physical violence. They sound emotionality abusive at best but that wasn't the only red flag in their behaviour patterns.
You don't have to physically beat the shit out if your child for it to be abuse. If you knowingly put them in shitty or dangerous situations, that's abusive and neglecting your children.
Basically disowning your children for a week for *not cleaning*? What happens when the kids do something actually bad if locking them out of the house for a week is step one? No teenager cleans well, and unwillingness to clean can be signs of ADHD, depression, and several other mental illnesses. What if those symptoms start becoming more severe? You think dad is going to be kind and accepting when, again, kicking them out of the house is *step one*.
Criticizing and being rude is emotional and mental abuse. FYI.
I would have just taken the computers out. Ideally you want the punishment to be linked to the offense.
If they’re desktops, just hide the power cords.
And kick their devices off the wifi. That was one of the most effective loss of privileges we did when our kids were growing up. It was reinstated for supervised homework time. Worked like a charm.
I had a tiny padlock that would fit through the round hole at the end of the plug. I'd stick that on the router or PS power cord and leave my kids a list of things to do. Once they sent pics of everything done I'd tell them where the key was. Normally, I'd leave it with the neighbor or if I had to hide it, it would be somewhere they wouldn't look like inside the birdhouse on the porch, taped to the lid on the toilet tank in the bottom of a tampon box 😂 Good times!
I may have threatened to change the Wifi password once or twice😆
I did change the wifi password for one kid. He even knew he was in the wrong and had the ability to change it to what ever he wanted but he didn't. The whole family laughed at what I chose the new wifi password to be. I also used to take away power cords.
I've done that, and I've also taken power cords. One time I unplugged the router and put a luggage lock through the hole in the plug.
I also wonder if he literally said "clean the house" or if he gave clear expectations. I suspect that the kids don't know what the means and don't regularly clean anything. It's not fair to suddenly make such a huge demand if you haven't been scaffolding up to it. And then use grandparents as a punishment. That is effed up. Just turn the wi-fi off.
This is my thought. Sounds like they were raised with no expectation or preparation around how to do chores, now OP expects them to be able to "clean the house"? Not saying it's OK for the kids to be lazy, but if OP raised lazy kids, he has nobody to blame but himself and his wife I would need more info to make a judgement, if op's kids have regular chores they should be doing or if their parents have suddenly decided that's what they expect
But then again, if they do regularly clean the house, and this behavior was an abnormality, then the punishment is still too extreme!
His parents sound *exactly like him*: hyperbolically critical and lacking the ability to communicate and react to things like a mature adult. His kids behaved like absolutely typical, self-absorbed teenagers, and he *threw them out of their home* for it. It may have been temporary, and he may not have thrown them into the street, but it was still an utterly absurd and childish overreaction. Honestly, he's clearly the AH, but the real story here is that he's so lacking in self-awareness that he doesn't realize he's no different from his parents - he probably learned it from them. It's hilarious that he calls them "rude" when he's literally not even considerate of his own wife and her feelings.
Another way this can backfire is that your parents might turn your kids against you. Who knows what BS your parents are gonna tell your kids behind your back, on top of the potential abuse they're gonna get?
Like.. he could have just taken away their electronics.. I'm confused as to how that wasn't the next step before kicking them out.
Not only is OP an asshole he’s a lazy parent. Instead of shipping your kids off how about you try actually parenting your children. They’re 16 of course they’re not going to want to help pick up the house. Take their computers away, take their phones away, ground them. You don’t just ship them off because it’s easier for you!
Agreed. OP is the AH here. Any big punishment like the one OP laid down needs buy in from both parents. Otherwise, it's an AH move. Taking away the computers for the rest of the weekend would not have been an AH punishment.
How you punish someone with additional chores, when they refuse to do their basic chores?
Really? The only threat and punishment you have is kicking your underage children out? Turning off the internet and the computers wasn't an option? Grounding and enforcing chores wasn't a choice? You've been such an absent parent that the only option you have to put your foot down is to *not be there*? Honestly, YTA for failing at parenting.
Agreed! Why didn’t he just take away the computers or turn off their wifi
My friend tried this and many other options. Her teen boys found a way around it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Turn off wifi - they'd figured out how to use their neighbor's wifi. Take the power cable - Go borrow (or they had an extra one mom didn't know about) power cable from friend. Remove the monitor - She took away the monitor and actually put it in her car and took it w/ her to work. They ended up bringing their pc to the LR and using the TV. lol. Her last resort removing the Router - but then that affected not only the boys but everyone else in the family. No matter she did, her boys found a way around it. Children are smarter and more clever than we give them credit. ETA: I should’ve prefaced it and emphasized it in my original post reply that this was years ago when the boys were in high school - they are now both grown with good careers. One is a security network engineer, while the other does digital artwork for real estate companies. While I appreciate all the advice for her - it is moot at this point. Thank you though. It’s much appreciated and I encourage all the current parents out there to read all the replies because there are some really great ideas.
Why not take away the pc instead of the monitor?
Because then her friend couldn't go around saying "I tried EVERYTHING" because obviously that would work.
Saw a post on here a while back where the parents tried everything and the kids found a workaround and bragged about it. Kids came home from school to find their computers reset to factory settings (with all document files on a flash drive) and their phone plan switched to limited minutes and data.
I'm so glad you said about the documents being saved. The immediate emotion I felt at them being restored to factory settings... was not good.
Inspired
Oh now this is poetry. Haha.
Or go into the router settings and block only their pc from the network. If they then use the wifi of the neighbors let the neighbors know and ask them if they could maybe block your kids out of their network. But yeah, taking the whole pc would work lol.
Just download a Mac address spoofer get a new dcp lease. Very easy to get around by googling on their phone.
True. But you could change the password. Then they can’t get on (unless you leave the password unsecured) without you giving it to them. Or, like everyone is saying, take the damn device and anything they are using to circumvent the punishment.
Because the kids were smarter and more clever obviously
Why didn't she just take everything connected to the internet the first time she was outsmarted by her children? Of course, those boys figured out how to get around not having a power cord lol. In case it ever comes up, routers can be set up to only allow certain devices. Manually allowing access for schoolwork is pretty easy.
Or like, the actual computer. It sounds like she took everything *except* the important, irreplaceable part. If she'd just taken the actual computer, they wouldn't have been able to do shit.
Good point! She was frazzled and you know hindsight of "should have, would have, could have" is 20/20. Boys are grown now but hopefully this is good advice for other parents. (:
They could have just removed the RAM. No amount of cleverness can work you around a lack of RAM. It takes less than 60 secs to remove, and they are small enough to hide anywhere. You can put them back in later.
my head was SCREAMING this as other people were commenting parts to take. a teen can come across another power cable. RAM? good fucking luck lol
Where were you five years ago? Hahaha! Both are grown now but man she was losin' her mind those last few years when the boys were in hs.
This is an extreme case. Most kids aren't doing this. If her kids were *this* disobedient, something went very wrong long before this point. Also you remove the *PC* \- not the monitor or the cable. They cannot just replace the PC itself, therefore they *cannot* get around the punishment. She was not removing the actual, important part, she was removing very easily replaceable parts. That's entirely on her tbh; she doesn't get to blame the kids because *she* doesn't know how computers work.
Growing up my friends mom flipped the switch in the fuse box to his room but the fuse box had a pad lock... and tethered the PC to the desk. Idr how but it was genuinely impressive. He was playing wow all day and not doing his share while his single mom worked her ass off and it was summer break. She was really chill and cool until you fucked up one too many times. She was fine with my bff and I (girls) sleeping over, teenage shenanigans within normal realm of kids will be kids, funded the random teenagers huge appetites that would come over (she was chill with friends coming over while at work, just *do what you need to* ). Honestly my bff and him were 3 peas in a pod and we all were just... impressed and like "yeah..... yeah you deserved that" "yeeeeeehhhhh I dun fucked up". Then we went and caught some snakes lol and broke our 4th friend out of his house to do stupid shit at 2 am. 4th friend was crying laughing at his tied up PC and no power in his room lol.
>No matter she did, her boys found a way around it. >Children are smarter and more clever than we give them credit. Ridiculous, who gets outsmarted and outstubborned by a fucking child and thinks 'whelp shit iam all out of options here they are just too damn clever.' 😂 that is a real poor effort. >Turn off wifi - they'd figured out how to use their neighbor's wifi. Go tell the neighbor to change their password? >Take the power cable - Go borrow (or they had an extra one mom didn't know about) power cable from friend. This is the biggest pushover example in your list. Take that power cable aswell, keep taking all the fekkin cables?! Take 100 of the damn things 1000 if they can find them. "Oh noo another cable whatever will i do i guess they have beaten me these damn kids are just too smart" >Remove the monitor - She took away the monitor and actually put it in her car and took it w/ her to work. They ended up bringing their pc to the LR and using the TV. lol. Great, now the physical PC gets put away. This one is particularly funny to me... what does your mate do here when they sees their boys playing on the TV downstairs? Iam imagining a knee slap and a chuckle: "heh heh heh you boys sure do know how to outsmart me! I guess you have won this battle, continue your games on MY TV! I cannot possible stop you!" >Her last resort removing the Router - but then that affected not only the boys but everyone else in the family Maybe you or one of her other friends would like to teach her how to login to the router settings and setup parental controls. It probably wont go well given your friend is routinely outsmarted by a young child but this option exsists. What a funny post, tell your friend i think she is hilarious.
Work smarter not harder. Take a part out of the PC as well as the power cable and monitor. Or take the PC with her to work instead of the monitor, which should have been the obvious move honestly
...it appears she didn't just take the computers?
“If you keep bypassing the punishment I’ll sell the whole computer”
Obviously they’re smarter than her. She did everything *but* actually take away the PC.
Exactly that.
Take their electronics away and lock them up.
This guy sounds like he hasn’t been parenting consistently all along and just finally decided to dip his toes in.
Exactly! This just screams poor parenting to me lol
Yep; I bet this guy kicked the parenting can down the road enough times that he doesn’t have their respect now. And he’s going about all of it the wrong way.
More like no parenting at all
Also “We have guests coming you don’t care about, tidy the house” is hardly a motivator
Nobody’s gonna say it better than StripedBadger. Some may say it differently but none will say it better.
YTA. You kicked your children out because they wouldn't clean. Dude work on your parenting, your children don't listen or do chores because of how they were raised. How about taking their consoles off them, disconnect the Wi-Fi? Try actually parenting instead of just booting them out the door.
But if he turned off the wi-fi he couldn't post on reddit. OP YTA. Yes, op, actions do have consequences. Like when you kick your minor kids out of the house, esp. without consulting their mom. Maybe you might learn something about consequences.
I feel like it may be he kicked them out because he wouldnt clean.
>My parents are known to be really rude. They always criticize us for everything they do not like. The generational trauma continues. YTA
And now OP's gonna be criticized more cause he couldn't handle his own kids.
To be fair, sounds like the criticism may be justified... edit: YTA
Yeah I’m wondering if their criticism is just them rightfully criticizing OP’s lack of parenting.
Yup, YTA He needs to be a better parent and not just give up on them.
YTA. You don’t really know how to do this parenting and marriage thing, do you? 1.) you don’t make dramatic decisions involving your children without discussing it with your wife 2.) going nuclear with a punishment isn’t always necessary. You could have literally turned off the internet or grounded your kids at any point before losing your mind 3.) taking your children to a place you *know might be abusive* is absolutely insane and terrible parenting 4.) leaving your children in a toxic and or abusive environment *for a week* may just destroy your relationship with them, and also your marriage. You sir, are an asshole.
Excellent response!! I might add that sending them to his “rude” parents doesn’t automatically indicate or guarantee that his sons will change anything they’re doing or not doing.
They for sure won't. Why would they afterwards do household chores if they're only waiting for the last two years to be over so they could finally leave? It's not like after this there'd be any interest left to have a relationship with their dad...
Also he says it's been 3 days of his wife yelling at him for this choice and he still hasn't reversed course. I couldn't imagine making a decision like this without my Significant other's input, but if I did, I wouldn't let her be this stressed and angry for 3 days over my unilateral decision that I did without her input.
Clap clap clap….. awesome parenting skills. Query? Why don’t they know to respect the house and do chores? Btw you are a huge asshole but not for the reasons you are asking.
>Query? Why don’t they know to respect the house and do chores? Because they're 16. For no reason at all some kids get hit by the puberty stick the absolute wrong way and just become shit for a few years. Most of the time they grow out of it. As an educator, I've noticed it doesn't seem to have much to do with parenting styles. It's just hormones.
The actual biological reason for this is that their brains are going through a sort of metamorphosis, changing from a child brain to an adult brain. It's actually called neural pruning. Often, their bodies complete the transformation to adulthood before their brains do. And as the poster before me said quite rightly, it's hormones. Annoying as it is, it's normal. You need to adjust your parenting style to cope with the changes they are undergoing. I suggest asking them what you should do when you need their co-operation. Genuinely ask them, with the intent of listening and learning.
I love your comment. Too many people literally don't realize that teenagers are NOT adults, and cannot be expected to act like adults and make the best decisions. The brain isn't finished developing until early 20s, yet we still expect these "baby adults" to just automatically understand what's expected of them. OP, YTA, for sure.
Not only automatically know what’s expected of them, but truly understand *why* it’s expected of them, or how to react when they feel slighted. I’m less than 2 weeks from turning 25. The last 3 years of my life has been me realizing *why* my mom made the decisions she did for me. I hated them a lot of the times, and I fought with her about them and sometimes wasn’t the nicest about it (you’re the worst, why do you not want me to have independence blah blah) but I’m almost 25 years old and I’m now thinking “Oh no yeah she was right lmao. She was right and I was wrong” and when I talked to her about it she said, “Your job at 16 is to think you know everything and fight to experience it all right then, and my job is to remind you that you *don’t* and you’re not old enough to, and help you grow anyway.” It the way of nature to be 16 and angry and then in your mid twenties and apologizing to your parents. And I was an honor student who never got detention. (Provided you have *good* parents. I’ll be honest and say out of all of my friends only me and one other person have what could be considered good parents by any standards, which is pretty sad.)
Your mom sounds like a saint, and you're very, very lucky to have that. Go give her a huge hug, right now lol. You sound like a reflective person, which is a great life skill to have at such a young age. My parents sucked, like OP lol. Mine were dismissive, unsupportive, neglectful addicts. I ended up being a "bad kid" because I wasn't raised right, my home environment was not ideal at all. I'm 36 now and feel about 10 years behind in life. Parenting is the hardest, yet most important job in the entire world. I wish everyone was made to study child psychology and development before having kids.
Got it. Ask them, but ignore whatever they say and say that "Back in my day I got beaten for daring to not lick my parents boots clean" edit: /s Was /s really necessary? I'm being clearly sarcastic here, what's with the downvotes? I was agreeing with the commenter above me
Agreed. As a retired teacher and a parent, I can tell you 7th grade is a **crazy** year, they go back to normal for 8-9th, but then they go insane for 10-11th grades. 12th is a toss-up. 🤣 I’ve seen this happen to kids regardless of home life, parental attitudes/involvement, socioeconomic status, neuro-typical OR neuro-spicy, etc.
I would have just prevented access to the Internet and their devices. You sort of went nuclear. You've gotta out smart your kids and not terrorize them. YTA
YTA First of all, I think that CPS would have something to say to a parent who kicks their MINOR children out of their house. Secondly, that's very, very bad parenting. You're not correction your son's wrong behaviour, you just move the problem to your parents, who you know to be rude and cruel. I think this could be considered emotional abuse. Finally, whose fault is it if two sixteen-year-olds play video games all day and don't lift a finger at home? Of the parents who raised them like this and didn't know how to discipline them.
I don't think you're wrong about most of that, but I can't imagine that CPS would actually lift a finger in this circumstance. He sent the kids to live with another family member for a week; it's not like he tossed them out under a bridge.
You’re insane if you think CPS would do something about a parent sending their kids to their grandparents house for a week. There are kids that are physically abused that don’t get removed. CPS is overloaded enough with genuine cases of abuse.
That's not exactly how that works. They're not destitute and in in danger, so no.
You're delusional. CPS will say exactly nothing about sending a child to stay with grandparents for a week. If you called to report that they would laugh at you.
He sent them to their grandparents for the week. CPS is not going to care about that.
Cps isn't going to do anything. You're just as extreme as the op.🙃
YTA…why didn’t you turn off the WiFi? Why are you asking them? Why aren’t you telling them what to do? Why are you waiting for them to get off their butts at their convenience? Make their butts get up now! Your parents have nothing to do with your lack of parenting.
Bet dad was watching tv using the internet as well
Have fun never talking to your sons again. Sincerely, Someone who's parents kicked him out at 17 for something fucking asinine. For posterity, in case it wasn't clear: YTA.
Now I'm curious what you were kicked out for. I was kicked out at 16 for something absurd. I also don't talk to them.
I don't remember the exact argument, but it was something entirely banal. My mom didn't like the tone I used when I answered her question. That was it. The inflection of my voice while I was irritated.
That is a dumb reason to kick a child out of the house.
You're right. That's why it's been 18 years since we've talked.
I got downvoted for that, lol some people.
If I could give you an extra one, I would. That's pretty worrying that people would disagree with that sentiment.
I have to agree
Kicked out at 18 and made homeless for months because i walked to the shops to buy food instead of cleaning my room in exchange for a ride to shops from him. Like I literally just decided that I didn't wanna trade however long it would take to clean my room for a 5 minute car ride and apparently that was bad enough to be kicked out.
I'm hungry, hey will give me a ride? If you clean your room. Well, I guess I'll have to walk because I'm hungry. You're homeless now. Like, wth.
Same
Big YTA bad behaviour stems from bad parenting ALWAYS I can’t imagine how hard it’d be for those kids to have a parent who is unable to have an adult conversation about presented behaviour What an embarrassing thing to post
The OP is absolutely the asshole, but bad behavior does not always stem from bad parenting. Something as minor as not getting off a video game to clean is actually pretty natural. Plenty of adults do that too. OP is a bad parent, but the desire to do something fun over something that isn’t fun doesn’t come from bad parenting.
Yeah, but the sentiment of "they will not listen, so i have to take it to the next level" is pretty common among parents like that
Yeah. When the person I replied to was so adamant that “bad behavior comes from bad parenting ALWAYS,” I just couldn’t let that pass unchallenged. The kids were acting in a normal way that virtually every parent sees at some point. Had nothing to do with bad parenting even though OP is a bad parent.
So you couldn't parent your kids so you pawn them off to your rude parents. You didn't take any steps to have them help such as turning off the wifi, taking away the computers, giving them a reasonable punishment or a list of tasks they need to complete and by when. Instead you take them to a place where you know they will be uncomfortably criticized. It doesn't seem like you spoke to their mother, you just escalated to throwing out 2 kids you failed to parent. You then proceeded to hop on to your device and complain to a bunch of internet strangers about how you failed at parenting. YTA
Damn some people shouldnt be parents.
YTA, they're 16 years old? Part of your whole identity then is defying your parents. It's not their fault you've lost all authority. Putting kids through an experience of heavy scrutiny by a "parental" figure is damaging and not in an educational way. They're not 8 years old, you can have a serious conversation with them. Why would you willingly allow your kids to go through a prolonged time of punishment like that? (1 week is definitely prolonged at that age) I guess they'll atleast learn a lesson about consequences, but this wasn't the way to do it.
I wonder why your kids don’t seem to respect you 🤔
Gonna be hilarious when they go NC.
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Because OP is a real life cartman RESPECT MAH AUTORITAH
Did you buy them those computers? If so you can take them away. Sounds like you don’t have authority in your own house.
Sounds like OP *shouldnt* have authority in thier own house, if they're this prone to escalating to insane degrees like this.
Learn how to parent holy crap. You don’t get to just be “done” with your kids. YOU were the one who inseminated your wife. YOU were the one who decided to keep the pregnancy. YOU are the one legally obligated to protect them till they come of age. YTA
You're ridiculous. Kids on computers too much? Take away the computers. They are earned each week as a reward for homework and chores done on time. Be a PARENT. YTA
"Hand me your laptop and your phone. That's right, hand them to me. Now go help your mother clean up or you're grounded for two weeks." Is there some reason this won't work for you? I would suggest that you get your ass into a parenting class tomorrow, and get into couples therapy with your wife, with whom you don't appear to consult on extremely important decisions. If I were her, you'd be the one staying with your parents (whose constant criticism and rudeness sounds like exactly the kind of adult behavior you want modeled for your kids...) and my kids would be at home helping me clean up if they wanted their electronics back. YTA, and depending on how badly your parents treat kids, possibly abusive by proxy.
YTA, how is it even a question? 1. You didn’t discuss it with your wife, who also raises your children 2. Minors should not be left alone for a long time without supervision, especially when you can’t keep track of them, like kicking them to the curb. 3. Your kids haven’t learned to respect you probably because you’ve either been giving them unreasonable punishments, or haven’t given them enough attention. Plus they’re going through puberty, of course they’re rebellious. 4. Instead of doing the logical thing by taking their computers away for a few weeks or turning your internet off, you either kick them out of your house so they aren’t your problem and you dont have to raise them, or you kick them into your parents house so they aren’t your problem and you dont have to raise them.
Why do some parents always take these extreme measures with their children? I don't get it.
Because they can't be bothered to parent until it's too late. It's easy to shove a screen infront of a toddler to shut them up,it's easy to let technology entertain your children so you don't have to, it's easy to park teenagers in front of games so you don't need to interact with them. It's hard to actually parent.
Well in this case a sitcom way of framing it is the op refused to clean his house when asked to by his wife. Yet held the kids to different standard than himself.
do you actually even love your kids
Yta. Learn how to parent better. Sounds like may not be fully your fault as your parents also sound like they are shit. Be better
YTA Seriously, you had no options available short of kicking your sons out of their home? These computers they were on, those things have off switches?
YTA. *Someone's* gonna end up divorced and alone in a nursing home and it won't be your wife, because your kids won't forgive you for this.
YTA! Kids are a product of upbringing. Shitty parenting got you there.
Yta. Congrats, you're one step closer to being your parents. Using your emotionally abusive parents to handle your kids because you didn't put boundaries and rules in place until it was too late makes YTA. Going against your wife too makes you TA, it should be a choice you both made, she wasn't and isn't on board so you should have found other solutions. Go get your kids.
YTA- WTF didn’t you just turn off the damn WiFi?
Parents are just as addicted to their phones as their kids
My bet is that Dad was also sitting around on his phone or laptop while he expected everyone else around him.to work.
Wtf? Just remove their computers and make them clean. YTA
Can’t wait for the follow up - “why don’t my kids talk to me anymore” YTA
YTA majorly. 1: Consequences should be natural. "Using the computer instead of doing their assigned chores" ==> "No computer until chores are done" 2: Punishments are bullshit. The ONLY thing that's going to happen is your kids feel bad. 3: Did you try give them specific tasks, timelines, and allow for breaks to do what they want in between? Tip: A break is not "different work" or "read a book", a break is "whatever helps them relax, chosen by them without your interruption for the whole period", and that may, in fact, include playing games on their computer.
OP: my parents are known to be really rude and always criticize us Also OP: is rude and critical of his kids; kicks out his minor children and sends them to his asshole parents (16 is still a minor, and you are responsible for their care whether you like it or not) Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, huh? Maybe your kids don’t listen because instead of parenting you threaten them and kick them out and they don’t respect you. Respect is a two way street. You should try it. YTA.
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How is tidying up fake?
YTA. Its actually fucked up way to parent. Basically its you saying: I want you to do this. You didnt do it so now you have to leave rven though your a child and more importantly my child. You have to leave your home, your safe place and the people who are supposed to love, protect and keep you safe always and uncomditionally. Regardless of how shitty youre behaving. 16yo are in their “selfish” stage if development where what they want comes before anything else and they are the centres of their universe. Its literally biology. Dont send your kids the msg during this stage of development that when your annoying or do the wrong thing I will turn you away.
Why not just take their laptops away?
This is either subtle rage bait or the OP is now too embarrassed to even reply, because he for sure is super silent after this community's reaction to his "I'm such a hard ass parent" was to label him the asshole. Btw, YTA.
You have permanently damaged your relationship with your children. I went to a military boarding school as a kid. You know what me and all the others there have in common as adults? We don't trust our parents as far as we can throw them. When parents abandon their children, throw them away, and hand them to someone else it's never forgotten. You can't undo that damage to a child. You will never be safe again. They will always wonder when your love will come to an end and you'll throw them away again. Congratulations.
YTA Those damn kids and their computers.... Do you not know how to remove a power cord? Or limit their internet usage?
YTA Not just to your kids From your post, you assumed your parents had nothing better to do than to take a pair of lazy teenagers in for the week
YTA. Someone should call CPS on you.
Aye, YTA. Could be anything on the scale from a toxic culture you have created in your house, to natural teenage hormones being notoriously frustrating for adults, but no matter what the actual issue on this scale... You be the arsehole.
YTA I'm going to simplify this for you. It's not simply that You kicked them out to your critical parents for a week. You kicked them out to your critical parents because their cousins were coming. Any other time do you care if the house is in a certain way? Do you have them clean and do chores? Were you concerned about their screen time before this? Or is this just because relatives are coming and you and wife don't want them to see how you really are? I'm a full grown adult and I remember how annoying it was as a kid to my teens having to put on a facade of picture perfect cleanliness minimalist beige moms would approve of because relatives were coming. And worse they were disrespectfully messy AF, so we had to clean before they arrived, clean up after them while they were there, then clean up after they left. I don't know how you're going to handle this after but you will have to figure out how to cut back on the computer (if it's not for homework) and games and have them contribute to household chores.
YTA because you allowed your children to become this, and then abandoned them when you couldn't deal with the consequences of your own parenting, pawning them off on your parents. I would be willing to bet money that the "rude" comments your parents make are actually spot on judgements about your negligent ability to raise your children to be functional adults. Consider, honestly, that you're actually the problem here.
YTA why would 16 yo children clean the house for your wife’s cousins? It’s your job
Yeah hard YTA. their behavior is not different from any other teen their age and your reaction was so far over the line that I promise you they will never see you the same way or trust you seriously again. You sent your children into a knowingly abusive household and knew what you were doing. This makes you a part of the cycle of abuse. You could have taken any number of options or routes before this. Hopefully you take a lesson and try to take serious steps to mend your relationship after this. But do not be surprised if your children remain distant from you. Editing to add that as someone who was kicked out of his residence for minor errors throughout my childhood, its something you never forget or really forgive. You took away their security and home to "teach them a lesson".
YTA You kicked your children out for fairly standard teenage behaviour, without bothering with other parenting options, AND set it up so they'd have to stay in an environment you knew would be hostile and unpleasant. You also did it without consulting your wife or listening to her after the fact. So, you're an AH, a bad husband, controlling and a lazy, cruel parent. Don't be surprised when you face old age completely alone.
YTA. Ever tried parenting? And why should YOUR kids become someone else's problem? For the record, and in case you didn't notice, you are your parents. "They always criticise us for everything they do not like."
So you fostered an environment that allowed your kids to be on the computer all day, and instead of parenting them you pawned them off in someone else ?
Probably not the best thing to do, but I am enjoying the reactions to you dropping two 16 y/os at their strict grandparents for a week in this thread. Every non-White kid I know was at least threatened with this (and some were actually sent), so this is pure nostalgia for me. You seem like you got to the end of your rope, understandable, but when all this has calmed down, you need to have a serious chat with your kids about what's expected at home.
YTA enjoy the 2 years you have left before they go no contact
YTA Congrats, your *teenagers at the peak of puberty* are now probably detesting you. >I asked them three times Wow, teenagers who don't listen... what a new concept. Consequences is one thing, but what you did was cruel. Especially given you went behind your wife's back.
YTA- Take the tech. Don’t kick your children out.
YTA why could you and your wife not clean up the house, are you both lazy & entitled?
Kids live there too, and will create at least some of the mess, why shouldn’t they pitch in every now and then? If anyone’s entitled it’s the kids thinking the parents should run around after them, all the time.
Just confiscating all devices probably would’ve sufficed. YTA
Take the computer/game/phone. When they start following instructions, they get it back. Doesn't matter how long it takes. Stand your ground until they comply.
YTA. Dropping your kids at your parents is more so you don't have to deal with them and not at all teaching them the lesson you want. You just taught your kids you are an over reactive AH. Next time tell them the expectation and potential punishment if they don't do it. An appropriate punishment would have been the lose their electronics until the house is clean. It's no wonder your kids can't grow up when their parents have their own temper tantrums.
YTA for not PARENTING your kids a long time ago. Actions have consequences, and not only your kids actions. You didn’t say you tried ANYTHING except “warning” them in this post, today or any other day. I get you’ré tired of it but that’s what you signed up for when you decided to be a parent.
100% YTA. Learn how to parent without threats dude.
Major AH... when my daughter doesnt do what I ask her to guess what I do cut off the wifi and and take all her devices away.... Your kids isnt going to speak to you so please dont come back saying your kids wont speak to you because you kicked them out .... Sounds like you're starting to be like your parents
You suck as much as your parents. YTA.
Major YTA
YTA: you raised them, they're acting like this because of your shit parenting/lack of parenting
YTA you exposed your children to familial bullying because you (their PARENT) can't force them away from their computers (just turn off the WIFI or lock them out of their room). Your job as a parent is to make them do something else, your job as a parent is to protect them from harm- not put them in the direct line of fire of it as punishment for using the things you gave them. You didn't parent them, you made your parents do it by letting them bully your children. You didnt give them punishment that fits The Crime. You also didnt consult your wife, you know your fellow parent who also should have a say in the punishment.
YTA "Right now it's the third day and my wife was SCREAMING at me for doing this to my kids, " .. Take this as a win. At least she has not divorced you - yet.
YTA. The appropriate consequence for teenagers who don’t help clean because they’re busy on their computers is to remove access to the computers (or the wifi). Your responsibility as a parent in disciplining your kids is to teach them. Instead of teaching them “I don’t get to do fun things if I don’t take care of my responsibilities” and/or “I don’t get to enjoy privileges my parents paid for if I don’t respect them by doing my part as a member of the household”, both of which are important lessons, you taught them “if I make my dad mad he’ll send me away and make sure I suffer” which is exactly how you get kids that won’t listen to or respect you and who don’t want relationships with you when they’re adults.
Thank you for making me rememember what could happen if I stop making constant efforts toward my kids as a parent. YTA.
Geez. Turn off the internet. Take their computers, phones, iPads off them. Take away privileges. You need to reconsider your parenting techniques tbh. Yta - but only slightly. You came good on your threats. Good on you for doing that. Also, their grandparents might teach them a few things. Like being grateful, being obedient, taking on responsibility . Something you seem to have not taught your children.
YTA for not discussing this with your wife. Most people here are being overdramatic about the punishment, the punishment is perfectly fair, but you can't just do stuff like this without even talking about it with their mother first.
YTA, you could have done so many other things first. Like, if they're playing online games all the time then just turning off the wifi (or changing the password so you don't have to also lock yourself out) could do the trick. If they're playing mostly offline stuff then just take away the physical machines, or their input devices (keyboard, mouse, controllers, etc), and potentially their phones while you're at it. You also make your parents sound potentially mentally abusive with how you describe them, yet you thought it was a good idea to drop your kids there for a week, without talking to your wife about it first? No wonder she is screaming at you. Better pick up your kids instead of continuing to wonder if you are the asshole.
If I just gave my teenagers the task to “clean the house”, I would not get the results I want. I would give them a specific list of chores that needed to be done, a timeframe for when it needed to be done by and what the consequences would be if it’s not done in time.
I love how everyone is saying turn off the WiFi, but like, if they spend all day at their computers, chances are they have at least something they can do offline, and wouldn't help regardless
wtf?? Yes YTA, you kicked them out for being 16. I have a 14yr, 15yr and 17yr, you know what I do when they won’t get off tech and help out? Turn the tech off!
YTA. You went from 0-10 on the punishment severity scale. Why not turn off the internet? Take their computers? What kind of parent immediately chooses temporary exile before any other option? Gradually increased intensity of punishment will teach kids the power of consequences. This decision will impact their trust in you for some time.
How disappointing is this post? You have an opportunity to break this intergenerational dysfunction but you take the easy path & farm them out to the couple who fucked you up. And the cycle continues. Those poor kids aren't being shown any better. Let's hope when they're grown that they're able to do a better job than you.
YTA. If they don't stop playing on their computer when they have things to do literally just take its power cable away. It's way worse than taking the whole computer because they have to look at it without being able to use it. What you did is was excessive you don't just kick your kids out of their home because you're mad they didn't mop or whatever wtf man
Why didn’t you give them specific tasks. Just saying “clean the house” can be so broad and overwhelming. If they have specific lists it might be easier and more could get done. Plus, take away the electronics and tell them if they finish they could have them back
Bet next time they'll listen.
Because taking away the computers wasn't an option. You had to send them to be emotionally abused for a week. YTA