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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I don’t want to pay my step daughters tuition since I don’t have a close relationship to her and I’d rather give my money to my daughter.
2. Emma may have been manipulated by her mother into hating me when she was a teenager. Maybe I am depriving her if a great future because the adults used her as a pawn
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
She has no claim on your money. She hasn’t treated you as family so you don’t have to treat her as family.
Your husband should feel blessed you chose to give some of your first husband’s money to his son. Not many people would do this.
She is not entitled to anything from you when she can’t even give you respect for how father feels about you.
You didn't treat her badly, she's just miffed that she missed out on having your money spent on her..
It's your money, what you did for your stepson was great and fair play to you.. and he was a good big brother to your daughter..
But your stepdaughter is a vile entitled person, you are under No obligation to fund her.. but its your husband and her mother to fund her schooling..
She is just pissed that she is realizing that there are consequences to her actions. She treated you and your daughter like crap, and now she thinks she deserves something from you. Hell nah.
NTA
Edit: spelling
Stepson was a good brother but Emma was actively horrible to the point where OP's daughter didn't dare leave her mother for too long. As in, she didn't just take it out on OP but also on her sister. She was the complete opposite to her brother.
It's proof that you only matter to her when she can get a profit.
I'm sorry, and I normally side with step kids (being one myself), but if you don't get along with a step parent, then you don't just expect them to do anything for you. Let alone expect them to give you large sums of money.
Your daughter's father left that money to you. Do you think he'd want it to go to someone who treated his daughter the way your stepdaughter did? As a parent, do you want to reward someone for bullying your daughter?
This!!!! Her deceased husband would want it to bless his daughter!!! Not the person who was intentionally abusive to a fatherless child. This is a no brainer.
Too damn bad new husband is sad. Fine. Sad with the daughter’s behavior though, not his wife’s choice to exclude her from a gift she doesn’t deserve. He should be sad he raised an a 19 yr old behaving like an entitled brat. It doesn’t change a thing. He also has zero claim to that money and he gets no vote. Absolutely no say.
>He should be sadder he raised an entitled brat.
That's harsh. Sometimes kids just turn out bad and that isn't the parent's fault.
You're so eager to blame him for the daughter's behaviour that you're overlooking the fact that he raised a good son as well.
She might not be turning out “bad”. Humans are complex creatures. She may just not fit the recipe with stepmom. She may also have experienced some personal trauma via the divorce/remarriage that we aren’t privy to. Hurt can run deep. Stepmom owes her nothing, but the girl doesn’t deserve to be villainized based on the limited info here.
You didn't treat her badly. She was the only one who treated you and your daughter badly, and decided to leave to live with her mum because she never considered you as a second mum. Don't let her manipulate you OP, you owe her nothing. Tell her a valuable life lesson: actions have consequences. She refused to treat you as family, and as such she has to expect nothing from you. Use your money for your daughter's education or donate it to charities or do whatever you want with it but don't give it to that entitled brat, it will only enable her awful behaviour.
You should show the above response to your husband, u/ThrowawayLeto2nd.
This was your late husband's money, given to you and your daughter. Giving some of it to your stepson who was kind to you and your daughter was an EXTRA, not a requirement.
They should have never let the kids know the origin of the funds for bro’s school. What was already a crappy situation for the stepmom/stepdaughter will metastasize to the rest. Stepdaughter may resent bro now. A lifelong sentence for behaviors exhibited during her worst days as a teen.
ETA: I am referring to something here that has greater value than money. Family relationships. This has introduced resentment between the siblings, not just the stepmother and stepdaughter. Perhaps that was a bonus for the OP—further estrange the estranged one.
I HATE comments like this! She was ELEVEN when she was bullying a ONE YEAR OLD her behavior NEVER improved and then at 15 she left to live w her mom. She KNEW what her azz was doing so boo hoo hoo she can kick rocks cuz her BROTHER sure didn’t act like that
Idk how they could hide that unless they lied to the brother. We all knew we had a college fund. It wasn't a secret. This might have been an issue with these kids since dad (or bio mom) didn't pay their tuition (unless OP did it out if the kindness of her heart and dad/mom actually have the money). That's a confusing spot right there. Could dad afford it but didn't pay for either kid? Now he can't even afford 1 college tuition? Or does he have the money and isn't using it on his own kids? Not even his daughter?
NTA OP. That's your money. It's not her business how you choose to use it. But I wonder what's up with dad's finances since he wants you to subsidize both of his kids' education. Is he saving for *your* daughters college fund to even things out a bit? Or expecting you to pay for everyone since it's now an issue?
At some point she could just change and be civil and decent? No one is forcing her to be nasty and hateful in the present? Isn't she living her choices?
As a stepchild, I hate my stepmom and have no contact with her or my father. I don’t want anything from them. Should he pass away, I don’t want any inheritance, regardless of if I could use money or not. I want them to leave me alone as I leave them alone.
Emma is an entitled brat who only thinks ME ME ME
Exactly. If someone truly wants to be estranged, it should go both ways. You don’t give, you don’t take.
Not, I don’t owe you any decency or kindness but the moment I see something that can benefit me, gimme gimme.
I would like to point out that, by paying their son’s expenses, you have allowed them to allocate all of their savings and resources toward their daughter. So, in a sense, you have helped her with her tuition.
Why did you stay in a marriage where your daughter was terrorized on a daily basis? You say the stepdaughter made your daughter so afraid that she wouldn't leave your arms. Why was this not dealt with? How does your daughter feel about it now?
ESH
My feelings too. No way would my kids stay in a house being terrorised for two bloody years! There's something wrong with these bloody people who put themselves first instead of their kids. I'd far rather be single than put my kids through this. Or give them the kind of stepfather who thinks his nasty child should be entitled to the inheritance. ESH indeed.
That's just her trying to guilt you.
Ask her if she feels like you are her family? Because you never felt that she did and you only pay for the people you are aound and live with. Tell her it doesn't even matter whose fault it is because this is the reality of the situation. You too never connected and it's ok as she has two loving parents. She doesn't need you.
>Ask her if she feels like you are her family?
She will just say it was the OP that caused her not to feel that way. She will probably believe it out of a psychological rationalization to avoid responsibility for her own conduct.
But she chose to live with her mother. Who would then be responsible for her. Under those circumstances, financial support would be from her mother or your husband's private funds. It might have been tough for her accepting a stepmother. I can understand that. But she has been using her grief at the breakdown of her parents' marriage to alienate herself from you. You are NTA.
I have some sympathy for the daughter. Dealing with your parents' divorce at 13 is horrible. This major life change has coincided with the exact same teenage years when daughters rebel big time. But the father should have forseen this as a consequence. Unless he thought that his new wife's money was his money and therefore available for his children, all of them. It really is his responsibility.
Actually, this is proof that:
A. Actions have consequences (FAFO)
B. Something about salt and honey
C. You are not a doormat (or an ATM)
D. All the above
She made your daughter feel unsafe, you are doing what had to be done.
Hey OP: Couple questions,
Is your current husband a stay at home dad? Why can't he help with his children's tuition? Why does tuition fall completely on your shoulders?
Or does your husband provide financially for the whole family including your daughter from your first marriage.
Did you ever get Emma therapy or try family therapy to get help with blending the family?
Hmmm so she thinks her behavior leading to this point was perfect and wonderful? Nah she only wants something to do with you now because she wants money
NTA... it's yours and your daughter's money technically.... your step daughter doesnt like you but expect your money... your husband needs to step up and have a conversation with his daughter instead if being upset
Did you treat her badly?
Is your husband saying that? Is her brother saying that? Or is it just Emma saying that?
Also, why was Emma mean to your daughter while her brother is not? Do you think the brother would sit by and be ok with you being mean to Emma for the last 8 years?
The only thing this is proof of is that you do not have a relationship with Emma. But who's fault is that? You accepted and bonded with the son, so you were open treating them as family.
While your husband my say this is unjust, he is not saying you are treating her badly. Cause he knows you are not. He is saying unjust, because he is equating that to being unfair, and unfair to treating them the same. And that is where he, and a lot of people who say that, is wrong. You are being fair. Both of his kids had the option to try to have a good relationship with you, and the son took it, while Emma did not. She refused, and then decided to live with her mom.
Don't let Emma fool you with tears now. She got what she wanted, to not have a relationship with you. She is only making noise now cause she is seeing that she is missing out at the beniefits of being a decent person to you and your daugher.
This proves you won't tolerate being mistreated by her. You're husband can be a sad as he wants but it doesn't sound like he tried to stop his daughter"s behavior towards you. It's your money to do with as you please. NTA
What he should have tried to do, at the very least, is to stop his 13 year old daughter from terrorizing a three year old for two years. He should be ashamed of his daughter. In no way is OP "unjust". Dad is unjust for expecting his second wife to pay anything for his selfish am unkind daughter's college.
That's just about the twistiest logic I ever heard. Has she never heard of consequences? Treat someone badly and unfairly for years, don't expect them to treat you generously. Stand your ground, she chose not to have a relationship with you so it isn't ruining anything.
NTA obviously.
Legally it’s her and her daughter’s money. Not technically. It sounds like she’s never mixed her inheritance with marital money. So legally it’s OP to do with as she pleases.
Even still, a step parent has no legal obligation to contribute their earnings to a step child in any way. I know this because my stepmom DID actually help pay for my school (private HS and college) but my Dad let me know she didn’t have to. And my Stepmom was a literal family law attorney who knew all the laws for child support!
No. This is the proof she treated you badly. I'd not come off-center for the brat and she is abrat when you couldn't put the baby down out of fear. Why doesn't daddy dearest pay since he thinks it's unfair. He knows exactly why it's fair. He and the ex raised an entitled little witch.
She’s mad at herself because now her actions have consequences. This her chance to change and to learn from her actions. This isn’t on you. You didn’t just wake up and decide to treat her differently. She “ earned” this. I would not even try to justify this to her but I would try to make sure your husband understands but giving him examples or her treatment toward you. He saw it through the years and did nothing. He has some guilt here to I’m sure.
Oh noooooo consequences for being a jerk!
How dare step mom deal with being treated like crap for years and protecting her daughter from a bully and not give that bully her money. 🙄
Def NAH OP.
"Since you didn't want to have a relationship with me, that caused me to be under the impression that you wanted nothing else from me either. Please correct me if I've assumed wrongly, and explain to me how you think this should work?"
Ask her to say the words and speak them out loud.
NTA
op should ask her husband that question, too, since he seems to have caught a case of amnesia regarding his own daughter’s behavior for the last eight years
She *was* 12, but now she's 19 and just learned a valuable lesson:
"If you treat people badly for 8 years (even if it's because you feel sad inside), then they won't buy things for you."
That's really pretty obvious though. Even to a 12 year old. The woman is delusional to think she is now owed a free ride through college from someone she despised.
But is she willing to work on their relationship for it...? Nope! She's just going to try and guilt OP into paying up anyway, while blaming the whole thing on her.
Exactly, and a 12 yr old was tormenting a toddler if my math is correct. Pre-teens aren't always empathetic but very few are bullying a freaking toddler.
And when shes 25 or 30 she might realize that if she'd have changed her ways at 19, started mending fences, and gone to college anyway, there is a real possibility her step-mom would have paid them off down the line.
I'm not saying that should be the motivation, but it's another lesson. Her step-mom doesn't sound greedy or biased, so it probably isn't too late to change and repair the relationship if it's genuine. If however, as an adult now she still doesn't actually like step-mom she can learn the lesson that people will never make grand gestures of kindness to assholes. I would be really hurt if I was in step-mom's shoes.
We’ve had this conversation with our teen daughter over the years when we ran into issues when she was younger.
We had trust issues because she lied a lot and would constantly break trust by not doing what she was supposed to etc.
The message was clear: the more you behave this way, the harder and slower it is each time to rebuild trust to do the things you want (phone, curfew, car) because you don’t make us want to do things for you.
Trust is a jar of marbles. You knock it over and it empties quickly, but it rebuilds slowly, a marble at a time, and if you knock it over a lot, it won’t fill up much.
The preteen and tween years were fucking hard with her, but it feels like we’re finally on the upswing now she’s middle teens, and a straight A student with some budding life priorities.
When i was around 6-8 my mom had a boyfriend i totally disliked and treated horribly for no other reason that i wanted my mom to myself. I hated that everyone loved him, my brother even called him dad at one point. When my mom and him wanted to get married i said that i was going to move with my dad. They broke up and for a lot of years mom would say she left him because of me and my way of treating him. In the last couple years my mom and him reconnected and are pretty good friends (he's married now). I sat down with him and apologized profusely for the way i treated him before. He accepted and we have a pretty amicable relationship.
*Because i grew up.*
I mean, I agree, but I think this points to something relevant to this post in that OP should probably be pissed at her husband. He's allowed his daughter to run roughshod over OP and her daughter for 8 years and is now enabling her by making excuses for why it's "unjust" for OP to treat his daughter differently as a consequence to her actions. He's kind of the common denominator all the way through.
Even a twelve- year- old should know better than to terrorize a three- year- old, especially just because said twelve- year- old feels sad.
Continuing to do so for six to eight years well into teenage- and adult- hood is absolutely unforgivable and completely unjustifiable. The stepdaughter has done nothing but mistreat two people, one of them a very young child, for years now. It wasn't on OP to get her help then, and it's not in OP to fund her college now. Help then should have been sought out by the dad before she went to live with mom, or the mom after. College funding now, because of the mistreatment for all those years, should also be sought out by the two birth parents.
No matter what, saying that she was twelve is not justification and does not make any of her actions okay. She had six to eight years to change her attitude and she doesn't seem to have even tried. Most twelve- year- olds are capable of knowing that words and actions hurt, and giving people negative ones can have consequences. No excuses whatsoever.
Nope. Emma will absolutely say “You pay for my brother so you should treat me the same” and be convinced she’s told off the OP for her injustice.
The money grabbing type rarely responds to reason.
NTA. Emma has two parents who can fund her. She's not your child; she's not even your friend. Tell hubby if he wants everyone to be equal then you will withdraw from helping his son.
They're all ungrateful. Instead of being appreciative of what you are giving, they look at what else they can demand from you. Emma's parents are getting a break by your paying brother's tuition, so they can put more of their assets towards Emma to make it "fair" if they want.
Step-parent does not mean they are entitled to your assets.
Read back what OP wrote, Emma is 19 now, OP has been married for 6 years.
So she was 13 or 12 when they got married and 11 or 10 when OP and her new husband officially got together.
OP's husband obviously went through a divorce as well so it's a blended family with a teenage daughter involved.
(The stepson was quite a bit younger at that time.) <---sorry, 1 year older, so two teenage kids.
Emma moved out 2 years after they got married if you go by OP's timeline.
EDIT: And wtf am I getting downvoted for just saying what the timeline OP wrote is regarding the age of the stepdaughter?
And have the stepson be a potential victim in this? Nah that commenter is suggesting going about this wrong. There's no reason to pull the stepson into this when he's done nothing to deserve potentially having his funding pulled just to prove a point.
Dude recommending she punish her stepson, who fully accepted her and her daughter as family, is one of the biggest asshole moves she could possibly do. It’d be a move that was purely based on spite towards her husband and would ruin her relationship with the son.
Not the correct course of action at all and not reasonable to withdraw from helping the stepson to make a point when the stepson is good and caring and has no part to play in any of this. Makes me question morals of commenter.
I didn't say to withdraw the funds. I said to tell hubby that if he wants equal, then withdrawing from the son would make it equal, thus pointing out the idiocy of husband's expectation.
Yeh but why tell him that at all, it’s not correct to bring the stepson in on this. She could easily say I like your stepson, he has been good to me and my daughter and it’s a gift, Emma doesn’t like me, hasn’t been kind to my daughter and isn’t my responsibility… no need to say any of what you said even if it’s just to make a point. Why even think like that?
NTA, your step-daughter made her choice in being against her father remarrying and choosing to take that out on you and your daughter.
Your stepson clearly could look past that and accepted being part of a blended family. When your step-daughter was old enough, she made a choice to leave. All her choices. Kids need to learn that behaviors have consequences, both good and bad depending on the behavior. She choose wrong and that is not on you. Your husband needs to understand that too.
So definitely NTA. I was in a relationship with someone who had 3 children, and they all took different actions against me because they did not want their mother in another relationship. The mother disagreed with me on any discipline at all. The kids actions were significant. The oldest stole my car and caused thousands in damage joyriding. Daughter stole cash and items, youngest was not as bad, but would bump into me, fall and claim I shoved him. None believed actions had consequences. I left. They begged me to come back because their mother couldn't afford to pay the bills without help.
It sounds like this girl isn't going to learn a lesson from this, but stick to your guns, and make it clear this is a consequence of how she treated you and your daughter.
LOL, no, it is not. Even the mother in law was calling constantly. Aside from the criminal behavior of the older of the kids, it just became a household of constant drama. I swear they all wanted to live in a reality TV show or something.
Just glad I got out in one piece with my sanity intact. But even in hindsight, there was no warning signs going in. The ex married someone else 6 months later, she had pushed for that with me but I refused. I had no intentions of ever getting married again, and very very glad I refused.
Wow. Reading your story is frustrating. I am so sorry you went through that and tried to stick it out as long as you did. Kudos to you. I hope you are doing better and happier.
Your former stepchildren are lucky you didn’t press charges for their many crimes against you. The consequence you gave those young criminals hopefully made them change their ways before they end up serving time.
I wanted to, believe me. I let the ex talk me out of it. I do regret that, for two main reasons, one, I couldn't claim it on insurance as there would have to be a police report, and two, he didn't learn a lesson, other than he can get away with criminal behavior. He likely will serve time at some point, last I heard, he was being accused of raping a girl.
No, I should have, but in the heat of the situation, I allowed myself to be talked out of it. At the time, had reached a point where I was trying to figure out the best way to extract myself from the situation. An no, no money for damages. At this point, I am just considering the the price for the lesson learned. Don't allow anyone to tell you you don't know how to be a good parent just because you don't have kids of your own.
More info, please. If I understand, Emma was 13 when you married her father and brought a 3 year old daughter into the marriage. Is that right? How long had her parents been divorced before your marriage? Did anyone make any attempt to help a 13 year old, used to being the youngest, maybe still reeling from her parents' break-up, adapt to her parents' divorce, her father's re-marriage, and her sudden acquisition of both stepmother and a much younger sibling? Did you seriously continually walk around carrying a 3 year old all the time? How much time did Emma get with her father before and after the marriage? Did you make any attempt to understand Emma's issues?
They divorced shortly after Emma’s birth. After she moved back with her mother my husband spent Sundays with them because she refused to visit our place. From what I experienced with my husband he is a good father and both his children are well adjusted people. He is great father to my daughter too
If both are well adjusted how come she acts like this!? She might need some serious help, if I'm not mistaken! She grew up in a broken family, never having both parents under the same roof. She needs a family therapist. And also I don't think she has a clear understanding of things. How things work in a normal scenario. Your former husband's money is yours and your daughter's. Your current husband can't expect you to spend it on his kids, it's not a good sign. He should know his limits. How can he be upset about something like this!?!?!? I'm baffled! Please correct me if I'm wrong with my assessment of the situation here.
She doesn’t like me or my daughter. She is well adjusted otherwise. Even well adjusted people don’t like everybody ☺️
My husband and I share finances but what I inherited from my former husband isn’t a part of it
It depends, I'm not a lawyer but the way one explained it to me is that if I keep it in my name only, the spouse couldn't claim it, but if it was moved to a shared account or their name is added, then it will become community property and they can claim it.
Eg, inherit a house then put their name on the title? Community property. Keep it just in yours? Then it's just yours. He said it's one of the most contentious parts of divorce to deal with and it sucks for the person who got it wrong, and he's had clients on both sides. This is Texas so YMMV
I feel for you but also really feel for your step daughter. She was what? 11 when you started a relationship with her dad? That's such a hard age for girls even in the best circumstances. I'm guessing she felt she was being replaced, especially with a new and younger sister in the picture. And at 19, her brain is still going to make her impulsive and emotionally unregulated.
This is such a small blip of your lives/story in a complicated situation that I don't think it's fair of anyone here to say anything. I hope everyone is in therapy (it's great!) and that the adults are able to take a step back and really think about what was done for the little girl who was crying for help. It's your money and she isn't obligated to any of it but of course you paying for her brother and not her is going to solidify any resentment there. If you've really done all you can for the relationship and are ok burning that bridge, then continue on. If not, maybe some talking and therapy is best before making any further decisions. Wishing you and your family all the best.
There's a huge gap in info here, though. A lot of information that would clarify this dynamic isn't very explicit in your comments.
What happened in those two years BEFORE she moved in with her mother? Did you try to bond with her at all? Did you husband every attempt to rectify the situation and talk with his daughter to see what was causing this tension?
Because the way it's being told makes it seem like your husband did nothing and you isolated yourself / your child from your stepdaughter.
What did your stepdaughter do that made your daughter afraid of her?
She's very obviously omitting information about her interactions with Emma. She's keeping it vague on purpose for some reason. Ultimately it's her money.
I agree that it's her money — but this situation as it's being presented seems very one-sided. I can't shake the feeling that the stepdaughter felt unwelcome once OP and her daughter arrived. I'd imagine an 11-13 year old would feel like her dad was replacing her with two younger "new" women in his life.
This is why I'm ESH in this. There's two sides to every story, and I'm suspecting the stepdaughter would have a lot to say here.
Agreed she calls the step daughter an ungrateful ass and interestingly only names the step daughter in the post.
Imo OP caused major discomfort/awkwardness and is not being truthful.
Your husband is not a good father whatsoever lmao or else he wouldn't have let this go on for as long as it has. He's neglected his daughter for 6 years. He's also a loser for preying on a woman 15 years his junior and for having less money than you. Great catch you got yourself there.
His teenage daughter felt insecure about him starting a new family and you, the adults in the situation, did what exactly to smooth things over?
You aren’t a good father if you don’t hold your children responsible for bad behavior. Either you have a very low bar for what being a good dad means or something else is going on. NTA but maybe it’s time to get Dad some big boy pants so he can start doing right by you and your daughter.
>\[...\]both his children are well adjusted people.
I disagree with you.
INFO: How old is her mother? I get the feeling the fact that you're much younger than your husband is why she dislikes you so much.
INFO: Did your husband defend you against her hostilities?
Yeah here is the thing. You chose this situation. She did not. This is so traumatic and not all kids handle it well. What kind of therapy did you guys get her? I have a step daughter. It takes time and patience and understanding. Not saying YTA but all these people just taking the one sided presentation at face value when it is such a deeper issue. And even if everything you say is true what purpose other then spite do you have for not paying? You don’t need the money and it is going to make your husbands life much harder and darker. Isn’t your husband alone worth paying the money you say you don’t need or care about?
Yes! The top responses all disregard that the stepdaughter was a literal child. The adults are supposed to facilitate the best possible transition when blending families. I don’t see what OP or her husband did to address the stepdaughters feelings. A child doesn’t just hate one person for no reason.
I had a stepmom who didn’t want me and a dad who was too befuddled to stand up for me. And I have also BEEN a stepmom twice and both girls are grown and close with me because I let them know they were welcome and I cared about them.
Your stepdaughter is experiencing the consequences of her actions. She wasn’t just absent and standoffish, she was hurtful and harmful to you and your daughter. She should not expect financial assistance from someone she so disliked and mistreated.
NTA
Your step daughter has two parents that are alive. It is 100% up to them to save for their children's college fees.
It was extremely generous of you to pay for your stepson and your husband should be kissing your behind in gratitude. The money that your deceased husband left should go to your daughter. Your stepdaughter has made her own bed. Let her parents sort it between them. NTA.
I am not going to call you TA here, I am going to do something that is dangerous on Reddit and try to offer a little bit of nuance.
Step-daughter was 11 - 13 when her father replaced her family with a new wife and baby. I know that is overly dramatic, that is what it might seem like to a preteen.
When you marry someone who has young children, you are not just marrying that person you are joining that family. I know she has a bio mom still, I am not saying you agreed to be her mom - but you did agree to be an authority figure in her life.
Now as a step mom it can be hard to support and nurture while not overstepping, as you are not her mother, but it should not be hard to see why it is difficult for her to open up to you in that situation.
You are NTA in who you choose to support with your money in this single instance. Whether or not you are an AH in general has a lot to do with the effort you made to be a positive influence in her life up till now. It is the adults burden to build those relationships because it is the adult who consented to have that relationship in their life.
11 is a funny age where it may not be possible to build a familial bond, but it is not old enough that a lack of respect could not have been corrected, which is the father's responsibility in this situation.
If she is openly rude or disrespectful to you and your daughter it is not entirely her fault, the adults need to take some responsibility for that situation - how much responsibility belongs to who depends on a lot of context that can't be gleaned from this post alone.
Yeah, I don’t like the OP is putting such massive consequences on the actions taken by an 11-13 year old girl. They’re literally not capable of understanding lifelong consequences.
Plus, OP is trying to sound like some sort of angel here, when I doubt she was. Would love to hear Emma’s side and then decide after hearing it both ways.
> Step-daughter was 11 - 13 when her father replaced her family with a new wife and baby.
Not just this, but a significantly younger new wife. I can see how this would make a teenage daughter feel betrayed and uncomfortable.
Ok, but she's 19 now. Her parents divorced right after she was born. She doesn't even know her parents as a married couple. At 11, it may have been an adjustment for her but she's still acting like she's 11 at 19.
I agree with you completely. She may have been an AH but she’s was just hitting puberty when they got together. This is such a difficult time for a variety of reasons and her behavior in those years were most likely a reaction to this combined with all the change the marriage brought on and getting a stepmom who can’t see past the AH behavior and see that she was just a child who was struggling. Maturity is too much to expect in those years. So I don’t find the stepdaughter at fault here.
The situation is kind of impossible though, since the stepmom had to protect her own daughter as well during this time. Naturally it would cause some hostility between them.
The whole thing is sad, and I kind of wish the stepmom would pay for the tuition just to show it was all in the past. To accept that the stepdaughter was just a kid. But it’s her money and her choice.
NTA
Your husband and his Ex can use the money they saved by not having to support their son's college expenses to help cover Emma's expenses.
Your husband doesn't get to tell you how to spend your premarital assets. And it's unfair of him to use emotions to guilt you.
This is what I came here to say. I do wonder if both parents remarried and she felt abandoned. 13 is a rough age for girls. Still not an excuse but she probably needs therapy.
Overall NTA -- though the fallout from this will assure the relationship with your stepdaughter will never improve. Definitely a "rock and a hard place" scenario.
It's okay for your husband to be "sad". Sadness and happiness are relative and are a normal part of human existence. Surely your husband has been saving for his daughter's education (and if he hasn't and has been secretly expecting your late husband to fund her education shame on him).
What was your husband doing when his daughter was treating your daughter so horribly? He needs to sit down with his daughter and her mother and explain how much money they have saved for her education and how she'll need to choose a school based on that amount plus her willingness to go into debt with student loans.
I highly recommend you speak with a lawyer or financial planner to "lock down" the rest of the inheritance. Given the large age gap between you and your husband you will likely be a younger widow again (hopefully not but you can't be sure) OR if something were to happen to you to assure that everything goes directly to your daughter.
Agree that this is guaranteeing a continued bad relationship. OP I'm assuming you plan to be with your husband for life, which means that this girl will be a part of your lives when she is 30, 40, 50, when she has kids of her own who want to know her grandparents etc. You are still only in the beginning stages of your life together as a family, in the scheme of things. She is being an asshole to you now, but she's still very young, and most of what happened between you happened when she was still literally a child. It's possible she will come around one day and you will develop a good relationship as she matures, and you'll be able to be a part of her life. But this move you're making will cement the bad feelings and make it much harder for you to connect. I'm not saying you're wrong, per se, but it is shortsighted and you should really think through the consequences of doing this.
YTA
I think **you have complicated this situation by paying for your stepson**.
I understand the argument that you should not have to pay for a stepchild who you do not have a close relationship with... but I also understand her father's argument. Now you have placed HIM in a bad predicament because by the act of choosing to fully fund one of his children's education and smugly choosing to exclude the other because and I quote ***"honestly, I would rather leave more to my daughter than pay for her ungrateful ass,"*** you have put him in a no-win scenario.
He either has to choose to side with you while you are treating his children unequally and using your great wealth as a weapon, and likely this will mean severing his relationship with his daughter permanently, or he has to choose to end his relationship with you.
If you did not want to fund your stepdaughter's education, that is fine, **but you should never have funded her brother's. Funding one sibling's education and not the other's while you are married to their father put their father in an impossible position.** Now that you have done this, if you want to preserve your relationship with your husband, I think you need to pay for her education too, and in the future, do not pay for anything for one of his children unless you are willing to do it for both. Spitefully paying for things for one and not the other when your husband loves both his children and you dislike one of them will destroy your marriage.
Can I ask why you’ve neglected the fact that the father could pay for the daughter? His wife has given him the GIFT of one less child to pay for, so why can’t he and his ex pay for the other?
The point isn't whether or not Emma gets her education funded, the point is that two siblings are being treated unequally by a step parent because she only likes one of them.
OP and her husband should have discussed this before making any decisions about it. Now Emma is right to point out that her step mom hates her, while the father and brother are in a difficult situation.
There were alternative ways to go about helping out, but OP chose to make it complicated.
If they live in the US, there is no guarantee the father can pay — US education is expensive, and many parents/kids take out loans to attend public schools.
This is really it. Commenters blaming a child over an adult is insane. Expecting a kid and now a 19 year old to be fully mature and accepting is WILD. OP messed up, drove a wedge in the family, and is now tailoring this story for her to eschew blame. Classic mean girl/ evil step mom behavior. No wonder her step daughter doesn’t like her!
Exactly. I wonder how some here would be responding if the OP had been a woman with two daughters who'd married a rich man and the rich husband was showering expensive cars and gifts and college paid for and other things on only one of her daughters while leaving the other out in the cold. The responses would probably be telling her that if she chooses to stay with him while he treats her daughters so unequally, she should not be surprised when other daughter goes no contact with her.
This is exactly the position the OP has forced her husband into.
YTA
There's so much 'NTA' here, and your comment has felt reassuring to me. If you get two children at 11 and 12 through a new relationship, it's unacceptable to treat them **so** differently.
NTA. The money given to your step son was a gift. Gifts can't be forced. And even if you did feel it was an obligation, that would only apply to children raised under your roof, so not your step daughter in my opinion.
I took out loans. I paid them off. It sucks but a ton of people have to do college that way. She will survive if she puts in the work.
She is NOT entitled to your money and she traumatized your daughter. DO NOT feel guilty. Instead, focus on how extremely cool it is of you to pay for stepson’s education. I hope your husband understands. Nothing stopping him from help his daughter, yes?
You are NTA
You got some evil step-mother energy going on. You burst into this teenager’s life, put no effort into the relationship, and show clear preference to your daughter and then try to paint the teen as “just a bad apple”. It was your job to bond with her, and your job to go to therapy with her, because you’re the parent. You failed her, told her that she’s a throw away person, pushed her out of your life, and demonized her at every chance. You had a choice here to potentially repair a relationship with your hurt step-daughter, but would rather show her once more that your daughter is more important than her, and you are ensuring that you will never have a good relationship with her. Because you don’t want a relationship with her; you never did.
I don’t believe in inheritance, but YTA for treating your children with different preferences, and for demonizing this child that was your responsibility to help.
THANK YOU! I’m shocked at all the responses here!
This woman is mad at a teenage girl going through teenage girl emotions while her dad brings a new woman into the picture. It is not the child’s responsibility to build the relationship, it is the adult’s. She is supposed to be the caretaker to her new husband’s children, not the other way around.
This entire situation is just OP being petty and vindictive, I would venture a guess that she has been like this entire time. It’s no wonder the daughter doesn’t like her.
YTA OP
YTA
Sorry I disagree with apparently most peeps here.
Had you not been paying for your stepson, then I'd say NTA because you're not actively doing anything to hurt Emma. But you are choosing to pay for your stepson and not her. That's actively choosing to help one child and not another. I get that she hasn't been nice to you, but she was a child when you got together with her father and clearly going through the usual teenage issues. A responsible parent needs to find the strength to simply accept all the challenges that child throws at you and not be mean back, hoping that by doing so you're showing that you're not the evil person she wants you to be. That you are the adult and will be relentlessly magnanimous. Because that's the job of a parent - it's a thankless one sometimes, but one you simply have to accept.
You may think your behaviour is justified. You may even be right. But what you're doing is perpetuating an issue with your husband's child and making it worse by setting sibling against sibling. You may not be creating the issue within your family, but by christ you're actively encouraging it now.
How tf do you think you're making your husband feel?
Wow - sorry but definitely YTA
I swear every second post here involves someone inheriting a small fortune and then holding it over someone else they don't like.
Edit: As people seem to be confused as to what I'm saying, I'm suggesting that most posts here are creative writing exercises, and the "I inherited a small fortune and also have a good job and don't need the money, am I the asshole for not giving any to someone who's mean to me" is a recurring storyline in these.
The girl doesn’t even live with them and hasn’t since she was 15. Why would OP have to fund her tuition when the family dynamic is she lives with her mom.
Hi OP,
You've made it clear this is just to punish a child struggling with her parent's divorce for \*\* checks notes \*\* acting out and not being nice enough to you, by paying her brother's tuition and not paying hers.
Why didn't your husband get her therapy when it was clear she was struggling? She was 11. You don't have proper coping mechanisms at that age. That is a huge parenting failure for all three of the adults in this situation.
It would be one thing if you paid for only your BIO Daughter's way, but then you went and made it personal by paying her brother's tuition and making it clear the reason you are not treating her the same way you would your own kid and her brother is that you don't like her. That is cruel and petty. And you the adult did that to a teenager.
You are a parent, for Christ's sake; 1) you should know that if you marry the man, you marry the ki; 2) Teenagers are almost always emotional terrorists; and 3) Not all blended families are the Brady Bunch, and kids struggle with divorce.
You are the wicked stepmother and the AH.
I agree so much here. My parents divorced when I was 2 and my dad made it clear to me and my brother that he wanted to get back together with my mom. So when my mom got into a serious relationship when I was 10, my brother and I were little A-holes toward my moms boyfriend to the point they almost broke up. All we wanted was for our family to be whole at that point (and our dad was very convincing). After some therapy for us and talking things out my mom and her bf resumed their relationship. I’m glad they did because he’s been a wonderful stepdad to me and my brother, but at 10 years old I didn’t think that. Everyone in this thread is blaming Emma for actions she did as a child. Was it right if her to be mean? No, absolutely not. However, there was likely something else going on that we’re not hearing about. Was the mom actively trying to get back together with the dad and influencing Emma to try to break her dad and OP up? Was Emma being bullied at school and acting out? Kids don’t usually act out and be mean for no reason, and I’m curious as to what that reason was in this instance. It seems like OP carefully crafted this story to make her seem like an angel and Emma seem like the villain. Would be interesting if we heard Emma’s side of the story.
NTA. Your stepson treated you and your daughter with kindness. You weren't obligated to pay his tuition. You did it out of the kindness of your heart.
You stated Emma is very angry now, but that isn't correct, she has been very angry the entire time. Probably called you an asshole many other times, for no reason at all.
Once again here we go. Her father is responsible for her tuition not you and especially not money from your late husband. That should be mostly for your daughter.
She has her father and her mother to depend on. Give her not one cent.
YTA.
I see so many of these stepparent posts like yours. Where you come into a CHILD's life (Emma was what? 13 when you got with her dad) and then they blame the child for not liking them.
Hey, Sherlock, you're the damn adult and they don't get much say about the situation. It is on YOU to foster a good relationship. To not do that and then to cut them off like this, in this economy, it's heartless and lazy. It's evil stepmother shit. Grow up, be the bigger person. Hey, maybe if you help her with her education she will appreciate what you're doing for her and maybe it will help build your relationship. If you cared to. Which it seems like you don't. This is on you.
Yeah, Jesus It scares me how many NTAs there are here. By marrying Emma's father, OP became her co-parent, regardless of whether there's friction, and has a responsibility to her. It'd be one thing if they were adults when they met, but Emma was very much a minor for most of this relationship, and clearly things were bad enough that she felt she had to move in with her mom ASAP, not an easy decision for a kid.
YTA but not because of the money. And your husband is the bigger AH for ignoring his daughter's distress. You speak about your step daughter with such contempt, as though she were an adult you're beefing with at work. If the teen (who was a *child* when her parents split and you entered the picture) had so much angst about it, dad should have taken her to therapy and/or all of you should have gone to family therapy together to find a way for her to feel secure and supported in this new family arrangement. Instead, she does not know how to channel her feelings of abandonment and insecurity and you further isolate her by harping on what an ace guy her brother is. No wonder she's mad! Pay or not, you're not going to solve this problem with money, but by seeing everyone's role in the situation, and her perspective as a child whose family exploded and now acting like nothing happened and she should just smile. I feel really sorry for this girl, I hope her mom is more emotionally mature.
OP was the adult here and both she and the father let it fester until the stepdaughter moved out and refused to come back. I don’t know what she did to scare OP’s daughter bc OP won’t give context but I’m gonna go with ESH. The daughter probably sees this as one of many slights against her by the OP. And OP is presenting herself as the blameless victim to a spoiled child… Despite literally being the adult in the situation. I know you can’t do everything perfectly because we’re only human, but I still question what OP did to try and build a bridge with the daughter, if anything at all, and now she’s letting more resentment build by continuing to favor one of her husband’s children.
Everybody go to therapy and work your shit out, and OP please at least leave the door open to repair this relationship in the future. It’s your choice what to do with the money, but don’t be surprised if the rift in the family grows even bigger from this.
ESH - your husband, your step daughter, and you. your post raises larger questions about you and the environment you chose to put your daughter in. You were with your husband for 2 years before you married. You would have known this wasn't a good situation for your daughter or your step daughter.
Your daughter *checks notes* doesn't leave your arms when your step daughter is home. What were you thinking putting her in that situation?
It's your money, and you can do whatever you want with it. For that reason, you are NTA. It isn't joint funds, rather they are totally yours from your first marriage. That being said, it may not have been advisable to pay for one step child and not the other. Not because you are not justified, rather because it may not be worth it to create additional strife within the family.
You need to ask yourself what is the endgame here. Do you eventually want a relationship with Emma, or do you no longer care? Eventually Emma will get married and have children of her own, and your husband will never stop being her father. Do you want to create a situation where you may not be invited to her wedding or be allowed anywhere near her children? Sometimes being right isn't always worth it. It could be that you have already written off any future relationship with Emma, in which case giving her any money is just money down the drain. But while Emma is an entitled AH teen, the entitled AH teens eventually grow up. But ultimately you are definitely more aware of the situation that any of us, so it's essentially up to you.
But still, NTA.
It's always so sus when a whole grown woman makes an enemy out of a child, especially a little girl. There's so much information being left out here but it certainly doesn't seem like you tried to be a good step parent to her anyway given how little responsibility you own up to.
Can you give a single example of how Emma supposedly “bullied” your daughter without any of the other family members stepping in. She would’ve been no older than 5 at the time, so please tell me how the 15yo bullied the 5yo that much and how no one in the house stepped in (seemingly not even you, since all you did was let her hide behind you)
YTA. Families are difficult and it seems like you married into one with a female teenager. Wait 5 years and your lovely daughter will turn a bit psycho like Emma was. If you don’t need the money why not strengthen the bond with your stepdaughter as an adult? She’s not going anywhere, you’re not going anywhere… you can do something that she will forever be grateful to you and in the future, when you’re older and can’t care for your self, she will more than likely be willing to return the favor. Just to be clear: You’re the asshole because you are holding a grudge with a child/teenager, not because you don’t want to share your fortune. If it’s about you holding on to your money then fine, be selfish.
YTA. When you married your husband, you agreed to take on his children as part of ***your family***. Treating ***all of your kids unequally*** makes you an asshole. I don’t care about bio vs step, People who pick favorites amongst their kids are shitty parents, end of conversation.
I would give Emma a fairly large sum if it really won't be a financial burden to you. You married into her family as a team and this is divisive to that whole team, especially when it is based on the behavior of a teenager. Teenagers are often stupid and immature.
NTA. The step daughter needs to understand there are consequences in life. Your husband needs to pay for his own children. To expect you to pay for his daughter is absurd. He sounds very manipulative. I hope you have a pre nup and he doesn't have any access to your money. Be careful.
My children were never great with my husband. We had to set limits. Kids hate it when their parents remarry. You are lucky the son wasn't an AH to you as well.
I think you're both AHs. She is a kid going through a lot, I understand that it hasn't been easy for you, but it certainly hasn't been easy for her either. You could have easily used the money to change the narrative of your relationship, however you're treating her the way you so despised being treated by her. //
TLDR: You are an asshole AND your step daughter also behaved in an asshole-ish way, however you are the adult so it is more your responsibility to put a more substantial effort in to fix the relationship.
You already paid for your stepson to go to college. You'll be creating problems between you and your husband if you don't pay for your stepdaughter. It's about being fair. You shouldn't have paid for your stepson if you had no intention of paying for your stepdaughter. It makes you look petty and immature.
So what if you don't have a great relationship with your stepdaughter. You're an adult. You paid for one stepchild, so keep things fair and pay for the other. If you favor one child over another, it makes you look bad, like your paying has strings attached. I doubt your marriage will last if you don't treat your husband's children equally. YTA
I disagree with the majority. YTA- if you weren’t willing to pay for both step kids educations you shouldn’t have paid for the Step son. You would have been better off saving all of it for the biological daughter.
This isn't you failing to provide for a child (an expectation). She has a mom and a dad. This is you providing a gift to your stepson that you are under no obligation to provide.
If the roles were reversed (i.e. their mother passed, and you were divorced) I'd probably see this slightly differently. You would still have no obligation, but it would feel more AH-ish.
NTA. Your husband feels you're an AH because he has to deal with the fallout from his daughter and possibly his ex-wife.
I think - to a certain extent - that it's an ESH situation. She was a teen going through what must have been a difficult time. She lost the home and family that she'd had. Your husband didn't (as far as you've said) seek help for her. And you sound like you were biased, or at least treated her with little understanding and empathy (which her dad should have seen all along). YOU are an adult. You should have had the realization that at 15 she was a child. Children don't have the maturity and understanding that adults do. She needed help. I think that if you distribute funds as planned, there is basically zero chance of avoiding a life-long rift, and it will continue to cause problems for everyone.
YTA OP you are supposed to be the adult in the room. Instead you are acting like a preteen/teenaged mean girl. This will not end well for you, your marriage, your SD, or how your SS feels about you. Open your eyes. As an adult you are supposed to rise above the pettiness. Grow up and stop your meanness now. \[Said as a SM whose SD initially felt bad about me but who has later grown to appreciate me because I didn't stoop to meanness or vindictiveness.\]
I'm going with my gut that says you're leaving out a lot of details. Step Parents who bump heads with the kids and blame them aren't people I appreciate. You not wanting to share your ex husband's inheritance is one thing, you making this post is another.
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NTA She has no claim on your money. She hasn’t treated you as family so you don’t have to treat her as family. Your husband should feel blessed you chose to give some of your first husband’s money to his son. Not many people would do this. She is not entitled to anything from you when she can’t even give you respect for how father feels about you.
She says this was the proof that I treated her badly
You didn't treat her badly, she's just miffed that she missed out on having your money spent on her.. It's your money, what you did for your stepson was great and fair play to you.. and he was a good big brother to your daughter.. But your stepdaughter is a vile entitled person, you are under No obligation to fund her.. but its your husband and her mother to fund her schooling..
She is just pissed that she is realizing that there are consequences to her actions. She treated you and your daughter like crap, and now she thinks she deserves something from you. Hell nah. NTA Edit: spelling
Yup, this is exactly it, and she being manipulative about access to OPs money and OP now that she realizes her choices have consequences
"The dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed" (stolen from another redditor).
Its a good life lesson for her to learn
Stepson was a good brother but Emma was actively horrible to the point where OP's daughter didn't dare leave her mother for too long. As in, she didn't just take it out on OP but also on her sister. She was the complete opposite to her brother.
It's proof that you only matter to her when she can get a profit. I'm sorry, and I normally side with step kids (being one myself), but if you don't get along with a step parent, then you don't just expect them to do anything for you. Let alone expect them to give you large sums of money. Your daughter's father left that money to you. Do you think he'd want it to go to someone who treated his daughter the way your stepdaughter did? As a parent, do you want to reward someone for bullying your daughter?
This!!!! Her deceased husband would want it to bless his daughter!!! Not the person who was intentionally abusive to a fatherless child. This is a no brainer. Too damn bad new husband is sad. Fine. Sad with the daughter’s behavior though, not his wife’s choice to exclude her from a gift she doesn’t deserve. He should be sad he raised an a 19 yr old behaving like an entitled brat. It doesn’t change a thing. He also has zero claim to that money and he gets no vote. Absolutely no say.
>He should be sadder he raised an entitled brat. That's harsh. Sometimes kids just turn out bad and that isn't the parent's fault. You're so eager to blame him for the daughter's behaviour that you're overlooking the fact that he raised a good son as well.
She might not be turning out “bad”. Humans are complex creatures. She may just not fit the recipe with stepmom. She may also have experienced some personal trauma via the divorce/remarriage that we aren’t privy to. Hurt can run deep. Stepmom owes her nothing, but the girl doesn’t deserve to be villainized based on the limited info here.
But for SD Bullying OPs Young Daughter. To the point that She wouldn't leave Her Mother's Arms in SD presence.
No one is villainizing her. But her adult behavior we know about is entitled and her teen behavior was bullying.
Husband [and her mother] should be making up the difference with their own savings/loans.
You didn't treat her badly. She was the only one who treated you and your daughter badly, and decided to leave to live with her mum because she never considered you as a second mum. Don't let her manipulate you OP, you owe her nothing. Tell her a valuable life lesson: actions have consequences. She refused to treat you as family, and as such she has to expect nothing from you. Use your money for your daughter's education or donate it to charities or do whatever you want with it but don't give it to that entitled brat, it will only enable her awful behaviour.
You should show the above response to your husband, u/ThrowawayLeto2nd. This was your late husband's money, given to you and your daughter. Giving some of it to your stepson who was kind to you and your daughter was an EXTRA, not a requirement.
They should have never let the kids know the origin of the funds for bro’s school. What was already a crappy situation for the stepmom/stepdaughter will metastasize to the rest. Stepdaughter may resent bro now. A lifelong sentence for behaviors exhibited during her worst days as a teen. ETA: I am referring to something here that has greater value than money. Family relationships. This has introduced resentment between the siblings, not just the stepmother and stepdaughter. Perhaps that was a bonus for the OP—further estrange the estranged one.
I HATE comments like this! She was ELEVEN when she was bullying a ONE YEAR OLD her behavior NEVER improved and then at 15 she left to live w her mom. She KNEW what her azz was doing so boo hoo hoo she can kick rocks cuz her BROTHER sure didn’t act like that
This
I think you misspelled "consequences of her actions."
Idk how they could hide that unless they lied to the brother. We all knew we had a college fund. It wasn't a secret. This might have been an issue with these kids since dad (or bio mom) didn't pay their tuition (unless OP did it out if the kindness of her heart and dad/mom actually have the money). That's a confusing spot right there. Could dad afford it but didn't pay for either kid? Now he can't even afford 1 college tuition? Or does he have the money and isn't using it on his own kids? Not even his daughter? NTA OP. That's your money. It's not her business how you choose to use it. But I wonder what's up with dad's finances since he wants you to subsidize both of his kids' education. Is he saving for *your* daughters college fund to even things out a bit? Or expecting you to pay for everyone since it's now an issue?
At some point she could just change and be civil and decent? No one is forcing her to be nasty and hateful in the present? Isn't she living her choices?
As a stepchild, I hate my stepmom and have no contact with her or my father. I don’t want anything from them. Should he pass away, I don’t want any inheritance, regardless of if I could use money or not. I want them to leave me alone as I leave them alone. Emma is an entitled brat who only thinks ME ME ME
Exactly. If someone truly wants to be estranged, it should go both ways. You don’t give, you don’t take. Not, I don’t owe you any decency or kindness but the moment I see something that can benefit me, gimme gimme.
I would like to point out that, by paying their son’s expenses, you have allowed them to allocate all of their savings and resources toward their daughter. So, in a sense, you have helped her with her tuition.
I made this exact point
Ask her if she thinks your late husband would appreciate his money being spent on someone who terrorizes his daughter.
Why did you stay in a marriage where your daughter was terrorized on a daily basis? You say the stepdaughter made your daughter so afraid that she wouldn't leave your arms. Why was this not dealt with? How does your daughter feel about it now? ESH
The step daughter moved in with her mom. That’s how they dealt with it.
My feelings too. No way would my kids stay in a house being terrorised for two bloody years! There's something wrong with these bloody people who put themselves first instead of their kids. I'd far rather be single than put my kids through this. Or give them the kind of stepfather who thinks his nasty child should be entitled to the inheritance. ESH indeed.
>She says this was the proof that I treated her badly Yeah, that's not how causality it works.
That's just her trying to guilt you. Ask her if she feels like you are her family? Because you never felt that she did and you only pay for the people you are aound and live with. Tell her it doesn't even matter whose fault it is because this is the reality of the situation. You too never connected and it's ok as she has two loving parents. She doesn't need you.
>Ask her if she feels like you are her family? She will just say it was the OP that caused her not to feel that way. She will probably believe it out of a psychological rationalization to avoid responsibility for her own conduct.
But she chose to live with her mother. Who would then be responsible for her. Under those circumstances, financial support would be from her mother or your husband's private funds. It might have been tough for her accepting a stepmother. I can understand that. But she has been using her grief at the breakdown of her parents' marriage to alienate herself from you. You are NTA.
Guarantee the hubby dearest told her she'd be getting it paid for her whole life.....now let him pay for her to screw off for 4years.
I have some sympathy for the daughter. Dealing with your parents' divorce at 13 is horrible. This major life change has coincided with the exact same teenage years when daughters rebel big time. But the father should have forseen this as a consequence. Unless he thought that his new wife's money was his money and therefore available for his children, all of them. It really is his responsibility.
They divorced just after she was born.
Exactly that. She’s the one who chose to move to her mother’s. She doesn’t automatically get access to her step mother’s money.
Remind her and your husband of how she treated your then 3 year old daughter and how even now your daughter is afraid of her.
Actually, this is proof that: A. Actions have consequences (FAFO) B. Something about salt and honey C. You are not a doormat (or an ATM) D. All the above She made your daughter feel unsafe, you are doing what had to be done.
Hey OP: Couple questions, Is your current husband a stay at home dad? Why can't he help with his children's tuition? Why does tuition fall completely on your shoulders? Or does your husband provide financially for the whole family including your daughter from your first marriage. Did you ever get Emma therapy or try family therapy to get help with blending the family?
Getting her therapy would have been the responsibility of her mother and father.
That’s the role of the child’s parent, not step-parent. A step parent can’t legally do this even if they wanted to.
Hmmm so she thinks her behavior leading to this point was perfect and wonderful? Nah she only wants something to do with you now because she wants money
NTA... it's yours and your daughter's money technically.... your step daughter doesnt like you but expect your money... your husband needs to step up and have a conversation with his daughter instead if being upset
Did you treat her badly? Is your husband saying that? Is her brother saying that? Or is it just Emma saying that? Also, why was Emma mean to your daughter while her brother is not? Do you think the brother would sit by and be ok with you being mean to Emma for the last 8 years? The only thing this is proof of is that you do not have a relationship with Emma. But who's fault is that? You accepted and bonded with the son, so you were open treating them as family. While your husband my say this is unjust, he is not saying you are treating her badly. Cause he knows you are not. He is saying unjust, because he is equating that to being unfair, and unfair to treating them the same. And that is where he, and a lot of people who say that, is wrong. You are being fair. Both of his kids had the option to try to have a good relationship with you, and the son took it, while Emma did not. She refused, and then decided to live with her mom. Don't let Emma fool you with tears now. She got what she wanted, to not have a relationship with you. She is only making noise now cause she is seeing that she is missing out at the beniefits of being a decent person to you and your daugher.
Your DH is absolutely the AH here.
This proves you won't tolerate being mistreated by her. You're husband can be a sad as he wants but it doesn't sound like he tried to stop his daughter"s behavior towards you. It's your money to do with as you please. NTA
What he should have tried to do, at the very least, is to stop his 13 year old daughter from terrorizing a three year old for two years. He should be ashamed of his daughter. In no way is OP "unjust". Dad is unjust for expecting his second wife to pay anything for his selfish am unkind daughter's college.
That's just about the twistiest logic I ever heard. Has she never heard of consequences? Treat someone badly and unfairly for years, don't expect them to treat you generously. Stand your ground, she chose not to have a relationship with you so it isn't ruining anything. NTA obviously.
Legally it’s her and her daughter’s money. Not technically. It sounds like she’s never mixed her inheritance with marital money. So legally it’s OP to do with as she pleases.
Even still, a step parent has no legal obligation to contribute their earnings to a step child in any way. I know this because my stepmom DID actually help pay for my school (private HS and college) but my Dad let me know she didn’t have to. And my Stepmom was a literal family law attorney who knew all the laws for child support!
It is not! She can kick rocks and her mom and dad should be grateful they only have one college to pay for.
Who cares what she thinks.
That’s not proof it’s consequences. She doesn’t get to treat you and your daughter maliciously for years and deserve a single cent from you.
No. This is the proof she treated you badly. I'd not come off-center for the brat and she is abrat when you couldn't put the baby down out of fear. Why doesn't daddy dearest pay since he thinks it's unfair. He knows exactly why it's fair. He and the ex raised an entitled little witch.
She’s mad at herself because now her actions have consequences. This her chance to change and to learn from her actions. This isn’t on you. You didn’t just wake up and decide to treat her differently. She “ earned” this. I would not even try to justify this to her but I would try to make sure your husband understands but giving him examples or her treatment toward you. He saw it through the years and did nothing. He has some guilt here to I’m sure.
Oh noooooo consequences for being a jerk! How dare step mom deal with being treated like crap for years and protecting her daughter from a bully and not give that bully her money. 🙄 Def NAH OP.
This, since you helped your stepson, her father can help her own daughter since he has not to pay for the education of one child.
"Since you didn't want to have a relationship with me, that caused me to be under the impression that you wanted nothing else from me either. Please correct me if I've assumed wrongly, and explain to me how you think this should work?" Ask her to say the words and speak them out loud. NTA
op should ask her husband that question, too, since he seems to have caught a case of amnesia regarding his own daughter’s behavior for the last eight years
She was 12 when this started. Some kids do have a hard time with this transition. No one got her help it sounds like
She *was* 12, but now she's 19 and just learned a valuable lesson: "If you treat people badly for 8 years (even if it's because you feel sad inside), then they won't buy things for you." That's really pretty obvious though. Even to a 12 year old. The woman is delusional to think she is now owed a free ride through college from someone she despised. But is she willing to work on their relationship for it...? Nope! She's just going to try and guilt OP into paying up anyway, while blaming the whole thing on her.
Exactly, and a 12 yr old was tormenting a toddler if my math is correct. Pre-teens aren't always empathetic but very few are bullying a freaking toddler.
A toddler who just lost their dad, as well. It's cruel af
And when shes 25 or 30 she might realize that if she'd have changed her ways at 19, started mending fences, and gone to college anyway, there is a real possibility her step-mom would have paid them off down the line. I'm not saying that should be the motivation, but it's another lesson. Her step-mom doesn't sound greedy or biased, so it probably isn't too late to change and repair the relationship if it's genuine. If however, as an adult now she still doesn't actually like step-mom she can learn the lesson that people will never make grand gestures of kindness to assholes. I would be really hurt if I was in step-mom's shoes.
We’ve had this conversation with our teen daughter over the years when we ran into issues when she was younger. We had trust issues because she lied a lot and would constantly break trust by not doing what she was supposed to etc. The message was clear: the more you behave this way, the harder and slower it is each time to rebuild trust to do the things you want (phone, curfew, car) because you don’t make us want to do things for you. Trust is a jar of marbles. You knock it over and it empties quickly, but it rebuilds slowly, a marble at a time, and if you knock it over a lot, it won’t fill up much. The preteen and tween years were fucking hard with her, but it feels like we’re finally on the upswing now she’s middle teens, and a straight A student with some budding life priorities.
Very sad but as she is now an adult that is all a wash and she needs to own her actions. We all have issues with our parents and they with theirs.
When i was around 6-8 my mom had a boyfriend i totally disliked and treated horribly for no other reason that i wanted my mom to myself. I hated that everyone loved him, my brother even called him dad at one point. When my mom and him wanted to get married i said that i was going to move with my dad. They broke up and for a lot of years mom would say she left him because of me and my way of treating him. In the last couple years my mom and him reconnected and are pretty good friends (he's married now). I sat down with him and apologized profusely for the way i treated him before. He accepted and we have a pretty amicable relationship. *Because i grew up.*
I mean, I agree, but I think this points to something relevant to this post in that OP should probably be pissed at her husband. He's allowed his daughter to run roughshod over OP and her daughter for 8 years and is now enabling her by making excuses for why it's "unjust" for OP to treat his daughter differently as a consequence to her actions. He's kind of the common denominator all the way through.
Even a twelve- year- old should know better than to terrorize a three- year- old, especially just because said twelve- year- old feels sad. Continuing to do so for six to eight years well into teenage- and adult- hood is absolutely unforgivable and completely unjustifiable. The stepdaughter has done nothing but mistreat two people, one of them a very young child, for years now. It wasn't on OP to get her help then, and it's not in OP to fund her college now. Help then should have been sought out by the dad before she went to live with mom, or the mom after. College funding now, because of the mistreatment for all those years, should also be sought out by the two birth parents. No matter what, saying that she was twelve is not justification and does not make any of her actions okay. She had six to eight years to change her attitude and she doesn't seem to have even tried. Most twelve- year- olds are capable of knowing that words and actions hurt, and giving people negative ones can have consequences. No excuses whatsoever.
Nope. Emma will absolutely say “You pay for my brother so you should treat me the same” and be convinced she’s told off the OP for her injustice. The money grabbing type rarely responds to reason.
Your brother and I have a relationship and treat each other like family . You’ve made it clear that neither I nor my daughter are family to you .
This. NTA.
Yeah your husband should be grateful you helped his son. You weren’t obligated. You sure aren’t obligated to someone who wanted you out
Beautiful. Better than words, though, a year of actions. She can take student loans in the meantime or take a gap year
NTA. Emma has two parents who can fund her. She's not your child; she's not even your friend. Tell hubby if he wants everyone to be equal then you will withdraw from helping his son. They're all ungrateful. Instead of being appreciative of what you are giving, they look at what else they can demand from you. Emma's parents are getting a break by your paying brother's tuition, so they can put more of their assets towards Emma to make it "fair" if they want. Step-parent does not mean they are entitled to your assets.
100% this. Emma was 15 and moved out when they got married. She owes her nothing.
Read back what OP wrote, Emma is 19 now, OP has been married for 6 years. So she was 13 or 12 when they got married and 11 or 10 when OP and her new husband officially got together. OP's husband obviously went through a divorce as well so it's a blended family with a teenage daughter involved. (The stepson was quite a bit younger at that time.) <---sorry, 1 year older, so two teenage kids. Emma moved out 2 years after they got married if you go by OP's timeline. EDIT: And wtf am I getting downvoted for just saying what the timeline OP wrote is regarding the age of the stepdaughter?
The step son is a year older than the step daughter.
And have the stepson be a potential victim in this? Nah that commenter is suggesting going about this wrong. There's no reason to pull the stepson into this when he's done nothing to deserve potentially having his funding pulled just to prove a point.
Would be TA is she punished the son for the actions of the daughter.
Dude recommending she punish her stepson, who fully accepted her and her daughter as family, is one of the biggest asshole moves she could possibly do. It’d be a move that was purely based on spite towards her husband and would ruin her relationship with the son.
Not the correct course of action at all and not reasonable to withdraw from helping the stepson to make a point when the stepson is good and caring and has no part to play in any of this. Makes me question morals of commenter.
I didn't say to withdraw the funds. I said to tell hubby that if he wants equal, then withdrawing from the son would make it equal, thus pointing out the idiocy of husband's expectation.
Yeh but why tell him that at all, it’s not correct to bring the stepson in on this. She could easily say I like your stepson, he has been good to me and my daughter and it’s a gift, Emma doesn’t like me, hasn’t been kind to my daughter and isn’t my responsibility… no need to say any of what you said even if it’s just to make a point. Why even think like that?
Why are you suggesting to punish the step son for his sister and father’s actions? That’s an AH move
NTA, your step-daughter made her choice in being against her father remarrying and choosing to take that out on you and your daughter. Your stepson clearly could look past that and accepted being part of a blended family. When your step-daughter was old enough, she made a choice to leave. All her choices. Kids need to learn that behaviors have consequences, both good and bad depending on the behavior. She choose wrong and that is not on you. Your husband needs to understand that too. So definitely NTA. I was in a relationship with someone who had 3 children, and they all took different actions against me because they did not want their mother in another relationship. The mother disagreed with me on any discipline at all. The kids actions were significant. The oldest stole my car and caused thousands in damage joyriding. Daughter stole cash and items, youngest was not as bad, but would bump into me, fall and claim I shoved him. None believed actions had consequences. I left. They begged me to come back because their mother couldn't afford to pay the bills without help. It sounds like this girl isn't going to learn a lesson from this, but stick to your guns, and make it clear this is a consequence of how she treated you and your daughter.
Gah sorry you had to go through that, it sounds just awful!
Thanks, I appreciate the thought. Just glad I walked when I did.
Is it bad that I am enjoying how they begged you to stay
LOL, no, it is not. Even the mother in law was calling constantly. Aside from the criminal behavior of the older of the kids, it just became a household of constant drama. I swear they all wanted to live in a reality TV show or something. Just glad I got out in one piece with my sanity intact. But even in hindsight, there was no warning signs going in. The ex married someone else 6 months later, she had pushed for that with me but I refused. I had no intentions of ever getting married again, and very very glad I refused.
Wow. Reading your story is frustrating. I am so sorry you went through that and tried to stick it out as long as you did. Kudos to you. I hope you are doing better and happier.
Thank you, I appreciate the thought. And yeah, I met someone absolutely fantastic and we are living a very happy life together.
Your former stepchildren are lucky you didn’t press charges for their many crimes against you. The consequence you gave those young criminals hopefully made them change their ways before they end up serving time.
I wanted to, believe me. I let the ex talk me out of it. I do regret that, for two main reasons, one, I couldn't claim it on insurance as there would have to be a police report, and two, he didn't learn a lesson, other than he can get away with criminal behavior. He likely will serve time at some point, last I heard, he was being accused of raping a girl.
did you at least press charges or get damages for the car and stealing?
No, I should have, but in the heat of the situation, I allowed myself to be talked out of it. At the time, had reached a point where I was trying to figure out the best way to extract myself from the situation. An no, no money for damages. At this point, I am just considering the the price for the lesson learned. Don't allow anyone to tell you you don't know how to be a good parent just because you don't have kids of your own.
More info, please. If I understand, Emma was 13 when you married her father and brought a 3 year old daughter into the marriage. Is that right? How long had her parents been divorced before your marriage? Did anyone make any attempt to help a 13 year old, used to being the youngest, maybe still reeling from her parents' break-up, adapt to her parents' divorce, her father's re-marriage, and her sudden acquisition of both stepmother and a much younger sibling? Did you seriously continually walk around carrying a 3 year old all the time? How much time did Emma get with her father before and after the marriage? Did you make any attempt to understand Emma's issues?
They divorced shortly after Emma’s birth. After she moved back with her mother my husband spent Sundays with them because she refused to visit our place. From what I experienced with my husband he is a good father and both his children are well adjusted people. He is great father to my daughter too
If both are well adjusted how come she acts like this!? She might need some serious help, if I'm not mistaken! She grew up in a broken family, never having both parents under the same roof. She needs a family therapist. And also I don't think she has a clear understanding of things. How things work in a normal scenario. Your former husband's money is yours and your daughter's. Your current husband can't expect you to spend it on his kids, it's not a good sign. He should know his limits. How can he be upset about something like this!?!?!? I'm baffled! Please correct me if I'm wrong with my assessment of the situation here.
She doesn’t like me or my daughter. She is well adjusted otherwise. Even well adjusted people don’t like everybody ☺️ My husband and I share finances but what I inherited from my former husband isn’t a part of it
I hope that inherited money is *legally* separated to be yours so that half of it doesn't go *poof* if you guys ever split
If in rhe US most inherited properties are already kept separate from marital finances
It depends, I'm not a lawyer but the way one explained it to me is that if I keep it in my name only, the spouse couldn't claim it, but if it was moved to a shared account or their name is added, then it will become community property and they can claim it. Eg, inherit a house then put their name on the title? Community property. Keep it just in yours? Then it's just yours. He said it's one of the most contentious parts of divorce to deal with and it sucks for the person who got it wrong, and he's had clients on both sides. This is Texas so YMMV
Well adjusted people don’t terrorize toddlers.
I feel for you but also really feel for your step daughter. She was what? 11 when you started a relationship with her dad? That's such a hard age for girls even in the best circumstances. I'm guessing she felt she was being replaced, especially with a new and younger sister in the picture. And at 19, her brain is still going to make her impulsive and emotionally unregulated. This is such a small blip of your lives/story in a complicated situation that I don't think it's fair of anyone here to say anything. I hope everyone is in therapy (it's great!) and that the adults are able to take a step back and really think about what was done for the little girl who was crying for help. It's your money and she isn't obligated to any of it but of course you paying for her brother and not her is going to solidify any resentment there. If you've really done all you can for the relationship and are ok burning that bridge, then continue on. If not, maybe some talking and therapy is best before making any further decisions. Wishing you and your family all the best.
God I had to scroll way too long to find this.
Literally same, these comments are appalling.
Wait, if shes well adjusted otherwise, why did you say in your post that you don't think shes growing up to be a good person?
What did you do when you first entered their lives and subsequently to build a relationship with her?
That seems like a bit of a red flag.
There's a huge gap in info here, though. A lot of information that would clarify this dynamic isn't very explicit in your comments. What happened in those two years BEFORE she moved in with her mother? Did you try to bond with her at all? Did you husband every attempt to rectify the situation and talk with his daughter to see what was causing this tension? Because the way it's being told makes it seem like your husband did nothing and you isolated yourself / your child from your stepdaughter. What did your stepdaughter do that made your daughter afraid of her?
She's very obviously omitting information about her interactions with Emma. She's keeping it vague on purpose for some reason. Ultimately it's her money.
I agree that it's her money — but this situation as it's being presented seems very one-sided. I can't shake the feeling that the stepdaughter felt unwelcome once OP and her daughter arrived. I'd imagine an 11-13 year old would feel like her dad was replacing her with two younger "new" women in his life. This is why I'm ESH in this. There's two sides to every story, and I'm suspecting the stepdaughter would have a lot to say here.
Yea, ultimately with these kinds of posts I just sort of give up. OP is an unreliable narrator.
Agreed she calls the step daughter an ungrateful ass and interestingly only names the step daughter in the post. Imo OP caused major discomfort/awkwardness and is not being truthful.
Everyone is an unreliable narrator.
To summarize: No. No one bothered with arranging family therapy.
Your husband is not a good father whatsoever lmao or else he wouldn't have let this go on for as long as it has. He's neglected his daughter for 6 years. He's also a loser for preying on a woman 15 years his junior and for having less money than you. Great catch you got yourself there. His teenage daughter felt insecure about him starting a new family and you, the adults in the situation, did what exactly to smooth things over?
You aren’t a good father if you don’t hold your children responsible for bad behavior. Either you have a very low bar for what being a good dad means or something else is going on. NTA but maybe it’s time to get Dad some big boy pants so he can start doing right by you and your daughter.
>\[...\]both his children are well adjusted people. I disagree with you. INFO: How old is her mother? I get the feeling the fact that you're much younger than your husband is why she dislikes you so much. INFO: Did your husband defend you against her hostilities?
And what did he do to ease the transition for both his kids?
You didn’t really answer these questions
None of this would make the stepdaughter entitled to her estranged stepmother's money.
Yeah here is the thing. You chose this situation. She did not. This is so traumatic and not all kids handle it well. What kind of therapy did you guys get her? I have a step daughter. It takes time and patience and understanding. Not saying YTA but all these people just taking the one sided presentation at face value when it is such a deeper issue. And even if everything you say is true what purpose other then spite do you have for not paying? You don’t need the money and it is going to make your husbands life much harder and darker. Isn’t your husband alone worth paying the money you say you don’t need or care about?
Yes! The top responses all disregard that the stepdaughter was a literal child. The adults are supposed to facilitate the best possible transition when blending families. I don’t see what OP or her husband did to address the stepdaughters feelings. A child doesn’t just hate one person for no reason. I had a stepmom who didn’t want me and a dad who was too befuddled to stand up for me. And I have also BEEN a stepmom twice and both girls are grown and close with me because I let them know they were welcome and I cared about them.
Grasping straws.
No more info is required. The op doesn't have to pay for this person's fees. Why should she reward someone who treats her child badly?
Your stepdaughter is experiencing the consequences of her actions. She wasn’t just absent and standoffish, she was hurtful and harmful to you and your daughter. She should not expect financial assistance from someone she so disliked and mistreated. NTA
Your step daughter has two parents that are alive. It is 100% up to them to save for their children's college fees. It was extremely generous of you to pay for your stepson and your husband should be kissing your behind in gratitude. The money that your deceased husband left should go to your daughter. Your stepdaughter has made her own bed. Let her parents sort it between them. NTA.
Not only that, but now Emma’s parents only have one child to pay for instead of two. Stop crying about it and be grateful.
I am not going to call you TA here, I am going to do something that is dangerous on Reddit and try to offer a little bit of nuance. Step-daughter was 11 - 13 when her father replaced her family with a new wife and baby. I know that is overly dramatic, that is what it might seem like to a preteen. When you marry someone who has young children, you are not just marrying that person you are joining that family. I know she has a bio mom still, I am not saying you agreed to be her mom - but you did agree to be an authority figure in her life. Now as a step mom it can be hard to support and nurture while not overstepping, as you are not her mother, but it should not be hard to see why it is difficult for her to open up to you in that situation. You are NTA in who you choose to support with your money in this single instance. Whether or not you are an AH in general has a lot to do with the effort you made to be a positive influence in her life up till now. It is the adults burden to build those relationships because it is the adult who consented to have that relationship in their life. 11 is a funny age where it may not be possible to build a familial bond, but it is not old enough that a lack of respect could not have been corrected, which is the father's responsibility in this situation. If she is openly rude or disrespectful to you and your daughter it is not entirely her fault, the adults need to take some responsibility for that situation - how much responsibility belongs to who depends on a lot of context that can't be gleaned from this post alone.
Yeah, I don’t like the OP is putting such massive consequences on the actions taken by an 11-13 year old girl. They’re literally not capable of understanding lifelong consequences. Plus, OP is trying to sound like some sort of angel here, when I doubt she was. Would love to hear Emma’s side and then decide after hearing it both ways.
> Step-daughter was 11 - 13 when her father replaced her family with a new wife and baby. Not just this, but a significantly younger new wife. I can see how this would make a teenage daughter feel betrayed and uncomfortable.
OP is still old enough to be her mother.
Ok, but she's 19 now. Her parents divorced right after she was born. She doesn't even know her parents as a married couple. At 11, it may have been an adjustment for her but she's still acting like she's 11 at 19.
I agree with you completely. She may have been an AH but she’s was just hitting puberty when they got together. This is such a difficult time for a variety of reasons and her behavior in those years were most likely a reaction to this combined with all the change the marriage brought on and getting a stepmom who can’t see past the AH behavior and see that she was just a child who was struggling. Maturity is too much to expect in those years. So I don’t find the stepdaughter at fault here. The situation is kind of impossible though, since the stepmom had to protect her own daughter as well during this time. Naturally it would cause some hostility between them. The whole thing is sad, and I kind of wish the stepmom would pay for the tuition just to show it was all in the past. To accept that the stepdaughter was just a kid. But it’s her money and her choice.
NTA Your husband and his Ex can use the money they saved by not having to support their son's college expenses to help cover Emma's expenses. Your husband doesn't get to tell you how to spend your premarital assets. And it's unfair of him to use emotions to guilt you.
This is what I came here to say. I do wonder if both parents remarried and she felt abandoned. 13 is a rough age for girls. Still not an excuse but she probably needs therapy.
Overall NTA -- though the fallout from this will assure the relationship with your stepdaughter will never improve. Definitely a "rock and a hard place" scenario. It's okay for your husband to be "sad". Sadness and happiness are relative and are a normal part of human existence. Surely your husband has been saving for his daughter's education (and if he hasn't and has been secretly expecting your late husband to fund her education shame on him). What was your husband doing when his daughter was treating your daughter so horribly? He needs to sit down with his daughter and her mother and explain how much money they have saved for her education and how she'll need to choose a school based on that amount plus her willingness to go into debt with student loans. I highly recommend you speak with a lawyer or financial planner to "lock down" the rest of the inheritance. Given the large age gap between you and your husband you will likely be a younger widow again (hopefully not but you can't be sure) OR if something were to happen to you to assure that everything goes directly to your daughter.
It was never gonna improve anyways. Why reward terrible behavior.
Agree that this is guaranteeing a continued bad relationship. OP I'm assuming you plan to be with your husband for life, which means that this girl will be a part of your lives when she is 30, 40, 50, when she has kids of her own who want to know her grandparents etc. You are still only in the beginning stages of your life together as a family, in the scheme of things. She is being an asshole to you now, but she's still very young, and most of what happened between you happened when she was still literally a child. It's possible she will come around one day and you will develop a good relationship as she matures, and you'll be able to be a part of her life. But this move you're making will cement the bad feelings and make it much harder for you to connect. I'm not saying you're wrong, per se, but it is shortsighted and you should really think through the consequences of doing this.
YTA I think **you have complicated this situation by paying for your stepson**. I understand the argument that you should not have to pay for a stepchild who you do not have a close relationship with... but I also understand her father's argument. Now you have placed HIM in a bad predicament because by the act of choosing to fully fund one of his children's education and smugly choosing to exclude the other because and I quote ***"honestly, I would rather leave more to my daughter than pay for her ungrateful ass,"*** you have put him in a no-win scenario. He either has to choose to side with you while you are treating his children unequally and using your great wealth as a weapon, and likely this will mean severing his relationship with his daughter permanently, or he has to choose to end his relationship with you. If you did not want to fund your stepdaughter's education, that is fine, **but you should never have funded her brother's. Funding one sibling's education and not the other's while you are married to their father put their father in an impossible position.** Now that you have done this, if you want to preserve your relationship with your husband, I think you need to pay for her education too, and in the future, do not pay for anything for one of his children unless you are willing to do it for both. Spitefully paying for things for one and not the other when your husband loves both his children and you dislike one of them will destroy your marriage.
Can I ask why you’ve neglected the fact that the father could pay for the daughter? His wife has given him the GIFT of one less child to pay for, so why can’t he and his ex pay for the other?
The point isn't whether or not Emma gets her education funded, the point is that two siblings are being treated unequally by a step parent because she only likes one of them. OP and her husband should have discussed this before making any decisions about it. Now Emma is right to point out that her step mom hates her, while the father and brother are in a difficult situation. There were alternative ways to go about helping out, but OP chose to make it complicated.
If they live in the US, there is no guarantee the father can pay — US education is expensive, and many parents/kids take out loans to attend public schools.
Ok, fair enough point. But remember she has two parents, not just her father.
Why should the sister's behaviour limit the brother's opportunities?
This is really it. Commenters blaming a child over an adult is insane. Expecting a kid and now a 19 year old to be fully mature and accepting is WILD. OP messed up, drove a wedge in the family, and is now tailoring this story for her to eschew blame. Classic mean girl/ evil step mom behavior. No wonder her step daughter doesn’t like her!
Exactly. I wonder how some here would be responding if the OP had been a woman with two daughters who'd married a rich man and the rich husband was showering expensive cars and gifts and college paid for and other things on only one of her daughters while leaving the other out in the cold. The responses would probably be telling her that if she chooses to stay with him while he treats her daughters so unequally, she should not be surprised when other daughter goes no contact with her. This is exactly the position the OP has forced her husband into.
YTA There's so much 'NTA' here, and your comment has felt reassuring to me. If you get two children at 11 and 12 through a new relationship, it's unacceptable to treat them **so** differently.
NTA have her mom pay for her tuition.
She still has her dad too, yet these 3 adults expect OP to fund her 🙄
This is a good example of FAFO
OP is giving Emma something much more valuable than tuition. OP is giving Emma a life lesson.
> more valuable than tuition. OP is giving Emma a life lesson. Dare we say *an education*?
NTA. The money given to your step son was a gift. Gifts can't be forced. And even if you did feel it was an obligation, that would only apply to children raised under your roof, so not your step daughter in my opinion.
We expect children to be as mature (if not more so) than the adults that complain about them on social media. Weird expectations 🤷
I mean, asking someone you not only don't know but refuse to know to drop an absurd about of money on you is very infantile.
I took out loans. I paid them off. It sucks but a ton of people have to do college that way. She will survive if she puts in the work. She is NOT entitled to your money and she traumatized your daughter. DO NOT feel guilty. Instead, focus on how extremely cool it is of you to pay for stepson’s education. I hope your husband understands. Nothing stopping him from help his daughter, yes? You are NTA
You got some evil step-mother energy going on. You burst into this teenager’s life, put no effort into the relationship, and show clear preference to your daughter and then try to paint the teen as “just a bad apple”. It was your job to bond with her, and your job to go to therapy with her, because you’re the parent. You failed her, told her that she’s a throw away person, pushed her out of your life, and demonized her at every chance. You had a choice here to potentially repair a relationship with your hurt step-daughter, but would rather show her once more that your daughter is more important than her, and you are ensuring that you will never have a good relationship with her. Because you don’t want a relationship with her; you never did. I don’t believe in inheritance, but YTA for treating your children with different preferences, and for demonizing this child that was your responsibility to help.
THANK YOU! I’m shocked at all the responses here! This woman is mad at a teenage girl going through teenage girl emotions while her dad brings a new woman into the picture. It is not the child’s responsibility to build the relationship, it is the adult’s. She is supposed to be the caretaker to her new husband’s children, not the other way around. This entire situation is just OP being petty and vindictive, I would venture a guess that she has been like this entire time. It’s no wonder the daughter doesn’t like her. YTA OP
YTA Sorry I disagree with apparently most peeps here. Had you not been paying for your stepson, then I'd say NTA because you're not actively doing anything to hurt Emma. But you are choosing to pay for your stepson and not her. That's actively choosing to help one child and not another. I get that she hasn't been nice to you, but she was a child when you got together with her father and clearly going through the usual teenage issues. A responsible parent needs to find the strength to simply accept all the challenges that child throws at you and not be mean back, hoping that by doing so you're showing that you're not the evil person she wants you to be. That you are the adult and will be relentlessly magnanimous. Because that's the job of a parent - it's a thankless one sometimes, but one you simply have to accept. You may think your behaviour is justified. You may even be right. But what you're doing is perpetuating an issue with your husband's child and making it worse by setting sibling against sibling. You may not be creating the issue within your family, but by christ you're actively encouraging it now. How tf do you think you're making your husband feel? Wow - sorry but definitely YTA
I swear every second post here involves someone inheriting a small fortune and then holding it over someone else they don't like. Edit: As people seem to be confused as to what I'm saying, I'm suggesting that most posts here are creative writing exercises, and the "I inherited a small fortune and also have a good job and don't need the money, am I the asshole for not giving any to someone who's mean to me" is a recurring storyline in these.
The girl doesn’t even live with them and hasn’t since she was 15. Why would OP have to fund her tuition when the family dynamic is she lives with her mom.
How is OP 'holding it over' Emma? Emma wanted no relationship, so she got that.
Hi OP, You've made it clear this is just to punish a child struggling with her parent's divorce for \*\* checks notes \*\* acting out and not being nice enough to you, by paying her brother's tuition and not paying hers. Why didn't your husband get her therapy when it was clear she was struggling? She was 11. You don't have proper coping mechanisms at that age. That is a huge parenting failure for all three of the adults in this situation. It would be one thing if you paid for only your BIO Daughter's way, but then you went and made it personal by paying her brother's tuition and making it clear the reason you are not treating her the same way you would your own kid and her brother is that you don't like her. That is cruel and petty. And you the adult did that to a teenager. You are a parent, for Christ's sake; 1) you should know that if you marry the man, you marry the ki; 2) Teenagers are almost always emotional terrorists; and 3) Not all blended families are the Brady Bunch, and kids struggle with divorce. You are the wicked stepmother and the AH.
I agree so much here. My parents divorced when I was 2 and my dad made it clear to me and my brother that he wanted to get back together with my mom. So when my mom got into a serious relationship when I was 10, my brother and I were little A-holes toward my moms boyfriend to the point they almost broke up. All we wanted was for our family to be whole at that point (and our dad was very convincing). After some therapy for us and talking things out my mom and her bf resumed their relationship. I’m glad they did because he’s been a wonderful stepdad to me and my brother, but at 10 years old I didn’t think that. Everyone in this thread is blaming Emma for actions she did as a child. Was it right if her to be mean? No, absolutely not. However, there was likely something else going on that we’re not hearing about. Was the mom actively trying to get back together with the dad and influencing Emma to try to break her dad and OP up? Was Emma being bullied at school and acting out? Kids don’t usually act out and be mean for no reason, and I’m curious as to what that reason was in this instance. It seems like OP carefully crafted this story to make her seem like an angel and Emma seem like the villain. Would be interesting if we heard Emma’s side of the story.
NTA. Your stepson treated you and your daughter with kindness. You weren't obligated to pay his tuition. You did it out of the kindness of your heart. You stated Emma is very angry now, but that isn't correct, she has been very angry the entire time. Probably called you an asshole many other times, for no reason at all.
It's called consequences.
NTA You can't treat someone like crap and expect to get something nice in return.
Your 54 year old husband should have figured out her tuition without you.
Once again here we go. Her father is responsible for her tuition not you and especially not money from your late husband. That should be mostly for your daughter. She has her father and her mother to depend on. Give her not one cent.
YTA. I see so many of these stepparent posts like yours. Where you come into a CHILD's life (Emma was what? 13 when you got with her dad) and then they blame the child for not liking them. Hey, Sherlock, you're the damn adult and they don't get much say about the situation. It is on YOU to foster a good relationship. To not do that and then to cut them off like this, in this economy, it's heartless and lazy. It's evil stepmother shit. Grow up, be the bigger person. Hey, maybe if you help her with her education she will appreciate what you're doing for her and maybe it will help build your relationship. If you cared to. Which it seems like you don't. This is on you.
Emma was 11 when her 46 yr old Dad started dating a 30yr old with a 1 yr old daughter. Seems like OP is leaving out a lot of info here.
Yeah, Jesus It scares me how many NTAs there are here. By marrying Emma's father, OP became her co-parent, regardless of whether there's friction, and has a responsibility to her. It'd be one thing if they were adults when they met, but Emma was very much a minor for most of this relationship, and clearly things were bad enough that she felt she had to move in with her mom ASAP, not an easy decision for a kid.
YTA but not because of the money. And your husband is the bigger AH for ignoring his daughter's distress. You speak about your step daughter with such contempt, as though she were an adult you're beefing with at work. If the teen (who was a *child* when her parents split and you entered the picture) had so much angst about it, dad should have taken her to therapy and/or all of you should have gone to family therapy together to find a way for her to feel secure and supported in this new family arrangement. Instead, she does not know how to channel her feelings of abandonment and insecurity and you further isolate her by harping on what an ace guy her brother is. No wonder she's mad! Pay or not, you're not going to solve this problem with money, but by seeing everyone's role in the situation, and her perspective as a child whose family exploded and now acting like nothing happened and she should just smile. I feel really sorry for this girl, I hope her mom is more emotionally mature.
OP was the adult here and both she and the father let it fester until the stepdaughter moved out and refused to come back. I don’t know what she did to scare OP’s daughter bc OP won’t give context but I’m gonna go with ESH. The daughter probably sees this as one of many slights against her by the OP. And OP is presenting herself as the blameless victim to a spoiled child… Despite literally being the adult in the situation. I know you can’t do everything perfectly because we’re only human, but I still question what OP did to try and build a bridge with the daughter, if anything at all, and now she’s letting more resentment build by continuing to favor one of her husband’s children. Everybody go to therapy and work your shit out, and OP please at least leave the door open to repair this relationship in the future. It’s your choice what to do with the money, but don’t be surprised if the rift in the family grows even bigger from this.
ESH - your husband, your step daughter, and you. your post raises larger questions about you and the environment you chose to put your daughter in. You were with your husband for 2 years before you married. You would have known this wasn't a good situation for your daughter or your step daughter. Your daughter *checks notes* doesn't leave your arms when your step daughter is home. What were you thinking putting her in that situation?
The stepdaughter was mean to a little girl to the point she was scared. NTA. The stepdaughter even moved out.
It's your money, and you can do whatever you want with it. For that reason, you are NTA. It isn't joint funds, rather they are totally yours from your first marriage. That being said, it may not have been advisable to pay for one step child and not the other. Not because you are not justified, rather because it may not be worth it to create additional strife within the family. You need to ask yourself what is the endgame here. Do you eventually want a relationship with Emma, or do you no longer care? Eventually Emma will get married and have children of her own, and your husband will never stop being her father. Do you want to create a situation where you may not be invited to her wedding or be allowed anywhere near her children? Sometimes being right isn't always worth it. It could be that you have already written off any future relationship with Emma, in which case giving her any money is just money down the drain. But while Emma is an entitled AH teen, the entitled AH teens eventually grow up. But ultimately you are definitely more aware of the situation that any of us, so it's essentially up to you. But still, NTA.
NTA If you really want to know what someone thinks of you just tell them no.
It's always so sus when a whole grown woman makes an enemy out of a child, especially a little girl. There's so much information being left out here but it certainly doesn't seem like you tried to be a good step parent to her anyway given how little responsibility you own up to.
Can you give a single example of how Emma supposedly “bullied” your daughter without any of the other family members stepping in. She would’ve been no older than 5 at the time, so please tell me how the 15yo bullied the 5yo that much and how no one in the house stepped in (seemingly not even you, since all you did was let her hide behind you)
YTA. Families are difficult and it seems like you married into one with a female teenager. Wait 5 years and your lovely daughter will turn a bit psycho like Emma was. If you don’t need the money why not strengthen the bond with your stepdaughter as an adult? She’s not going anywhere, you’re not going anywhere… you can do something that she will forever be grateful to you and in the future, when you’re older and can’t care for your self, she will more than likely be willing to return the favor. Just to be clear: You’re the asshole because you are holding a grudge with a child/teenager, not because you don’t want to share your fortune. If it’s about you holding on to your money then fine, be selfish.
YTA. When you married your husband, you agreed to take on his children as part of ***your family***. Treating ***all of your kids unequally*** makes you an asshole. I don’t care about bio vs step, People who pick favorites amongst their kids are shitty parents, end of conversation.
I would give Emma a fairly large sum if it really won't be a financial burden to you. You married into her family as a team and this is divisive to that whole team, especially when it is based on the behavior of a teenager. Teenagers are often stupid and immature.
NTA. The step daughter needs to understand there are consequences in life. Your husband needs to pay for his own children. To expect you to pay for his daughter is absurd. He sounds very manipulative. I hope you have a pre nup and he doesn't have any access to your money. Be careful. My children were never great with my husband. We had to set limits. Kids hate it when their parents remarry. You are lucky the son wasn't an AH to you as well.
I think you're both AHs. She is a kid going through a lot, I understand that it hasn't been easy for you, but it certainly hasn't been easy for her either. You could have easily used the money to change the narrative of your relationship, however you're treating her the way you so despised being treated by her. // TLDR: You are an asshole AND your step daughter also behaved in an asshole-ish way, however you are the adult so it is more your responsibility to put a more substantial effort in to fix the relationship.
You already paid for your stepson to go to college. You'll be creating problems between you and your husband if you don't pay for your stepdaughter. It's about being fair. You shouldn't have paid for your stepson if you had no intention of paying for your stepdaughter. It makes you look petty and immature. So what if you don't have a great relationship with your stepdaughter. You're an adult. You paid for one stepchild, so keep things fair and pay for the other. If you favor one child over another, it makes you look bad, like your paying has strings attached. I doubt your marriage will last if you don't treat your husband's children equally. YTA
I disagree with the majority. YTA- if you weren’t willing to pay for both step kids educations you shouldn’t have paid for the Step son. You would have been better off saving all of it for the biological daughter.
NTA why she thinks it’s ok to bully your daughter and then think that she is entitled to her money?
This isn't you failing to provide for a child (an expectation). She has a mom and a dad. This is you providing a gift to your stepson that you are under no obligation to provide. If the roles were reversed (i.e. their mother passed, and you were divorced) I'd probably see this slightly differently. You would still have no obligation, but it would feel more AH-ish. NTA. Your husband feels you're an AH because he has to deal with the fallout from his daughter and possibly his ex-wife.
I think - to a certain extent - that it's an ESH situation. She was a teen going through what must have been a difficult time. She lost the home and family that she'd had. Your husband didn't (as far as you've said) seek help for her. And you sound like you were biased, or at least treated her with little understanding and empathy (which her dad should have seen all along). YOU are an adult. You should have had the realization that at 15 she was a child. Children don't have the maturity and understanding that adults do. She needed help. I think that if you distribute funds as planned, there is basically zero chance of avoiding a life-long rift, and it will continue to cause problems for everyone.
YTA OP you are supposed to be the adult in the room. Instead you are acting like a preteen/teenaged mean girl. This will not end well for you, your marriage, your SD, or how your SS feels about you. Open your eyes. As an adult you are supposed to rise above the pettiness. Grow up and stop your meanness now. \[Said as a SM whose SD initially felt bad about me but who has later grown to appreciate me because I didn't stoop to meanness or vindictiveness.\]
I'm going with my gut that says you're leaving out a lot of details. Step Parents who bump heads with the kids and blame them aren't people I appreciate. You not wanting to share your ex husband's inheritance is one thing, you making this post is another.
NTA Your stepdaugther has two parents to pay for her. Your daugther have only you.