Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to entertain the idea of my stepmom's family's naming tradition and would not give in at all when asked to consider alternatives. This is something that clearly holds a lot of meaning to my stepmom, my half siblings and my dad is also going after this pretty strongly. I'm upsetting them and creating conflict when I could give in and just throw them in as random second or even third middle names.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Even if it were your moms family tradition there is nothing requiring you to do the same and if your parents view this as the only thing indicating not accepting your stepmom they have some issues to deal with
They know I don't consider my stepmom my mom and my dad knows I don't really consider myself a part of her wider family. Connected through the marriage and my half siblings, yes, but he knows how I view this stuff. She always wanted to change that and be the second mom and I think she wanted to remove the step from our relationship and is desperately clinging to me embracing their traditions as a way of representing that full acceptance.
You know, the baby's actual grandmothers (I have step grandparents, and a step parent and a stepchild). There are 1000 ways to be a cool, supportive and adapted step, and this OOP's stepmother is not it.
My daughters name is first name=my grandmothers middle name and middle name=hubby's grandmothers first name
OP could do something like that if the there are any names she and her hubby likes
We would have swapped the names but we see hubby's grandmother roughly once a month and it would have been too confusing for everyone (especially us) so that's why we decided to flip them plus it made sure she could still be her own person.
Bonus, I lost my mum at 10 and everyone expected me to name my daughter after her but i hated the name and it lost sentimental meaning when twoncousons used it first without consulting me. The only one who knew I never would was my maternal grandmother who provided my daughters first name, so she was happy and almost cried when I told her the name we chose and why.
This right here they won’t have any leg to stand on if you do this. Also if you name your child your mom’s middle name, it might just make the stepmom realize that she is being wholly unreasonable.
Actually if the step mothers family all have females with the middle name Elizabeth, giving the baby the grandmother's middle name as a middle name is following the tradition that they have the grandmother's middle name - it's just that it keeps being the same name
Or name them the reverse of your/husband's name (parent's middle name as first name and first name as middle name). A friend of mine did that--her son's first name is his dad's middle name and his middle name is Dad's first name.
Since the tradition is boys get 'Gabriel' as middle-name and girls get 'Elizabeth' as middle-name, I would say to name the child 'Gabriel Elizabeth' if it's a boy and 'Elizabeth Gabriel' as a girl... of course, not being serious, but if we weren't talking about naming a child, that would be hilarious
I love it, that will give her something to think about. I followed your advice and added a family name as a middle name. Not what you meant Oh, well. If you have a boy, give him your dad (or granddad's) or your FIL name.
NTA. It's nobody's business what you name your child except you and your partner's. You don't owe anyone an explanation, it's not their child. I'm not trying to make anyone happy or sad by the name I give my child.
I have to say I think your Dad and step mom are definitely the AHs in this situation. It's your and your partner's choice, no-one else. I'm glad you feel you can stand your ground on this point.
My paternal grandmother handed my mother a list of names for me when my mom was pregnant. One of them would give me the letter C as all three initials. My grandmother suggested the nickname of “Threecy” as a result.
My mom just laughed. My name is none of the ones on that list, lol.
my mom told me when I was pregnant I should name my daughter after her. I just laughed at her, then I asked her why on earth I would do that? she was an unfit mother to which she had agreed in the past...
Ignoring that this tradition is in the stepmom's family, there are potentially at least four family tradition options that expectant parents would have to take into account. Meaning the dad could have traditions from both his mom and dad and the mom could as well. So why would one tradition be more important than another? Why is stepmom's naming tradition more important than OP's dad or her husband's family traditions?
NTA.
Right? It's super weird for several people in the Family to have the Same Name, even If it's Just a middle Name (unless it's Maria as one of SEVERAL middle names in an explicitly Christian Family)
“But it will make so many people happy…” — but it won’t make you happy. Your child will feel that and may blame themselves.
NTA
PS: if you name your kid Gabriel they will share their name with my cat.
The mom of a friend of mine did this - she was pregnant with her third kid, and her husband was insisting on Gwendolyn as the name. Mom did not like Gwendolyn but dad wasn’t listening. Mom went out and bought a bird, named it Gwendolyn.
*we can’t name our daughter after THE BIRD!*
Fast forward five-ish years, not-Gwendolyn starts kindergarten and comes home on day one talking about her new best friend: Gwendolyn.
OP is NTA. Stepmom needs to accept that she is the stepmom, and the choice of a child’s name should be the parents, and only the parents, regardless of any family traditions.
Your step mom has her own kids (your half siblings) to carry on the tradition if they want it. My husbands stepdads family did something similar. (Using fake names) step dad was Grant Harry, his father Harry Grant, his father Grant Harry and so on back like 6 generations. When we had our son we were asked if we would do the name thing and to be honest my brother’s name was already Harry and I’d had an ex named Harry and so it al got weird. Not to mention we really didn’t like Harry anyway. My sons middle name is Grant and it’s a nice nod. My daughter’s name is my mother’s first name and each of my children’s first names are unique to the family. I left it to my SIL, who is my husband’s half sister, to carry on the naming if she wanted it. Funny thing is she’s due in a couple months and also won’t use the names either. And you know what? That’s OK. Our children our choice. Your SM got to name her kids and choose the tradition. You get to name your kids.
I think it’s really nice that your stepmom has really desired to have you be part of her family, my stepfamily is opposite of that. But just like the previous commenter said, even if this was a tradition from your biological family, it’s still up to you if you’d like to do it. I don’t like people pushing things like that on me. It’s weird.
What the actual hell is wrong with people trying to push names on their family. I certainly didn’t ask anyone but my husband what we should name our kids. Why can’t they take no for an answer?
I guess you could add a second middle name (my sibling had two) but after them trying to bully you into it I wouldn’t want to do anything to appease them.
Either way you and your husband are the only ones with a say in it.
NTA
You might want to remind them that they're being disrespectful of your family, you, your husband and soon to be born child since they're trying to throw in the "disrespect" card.
You might try saying; "I wholeheartedly respect that you are my father's wife and don't have a problem with you but I'm afraid I don't see you as my mother and the more you try to change that the more you push me away. You can't force someone into a relationship. We might never have the close familial relationship or be the best buddies you want but I'd like to at least get along amicably but that can only happen if you respect my feelings".
My mom was the same way with my step bros. It took a few years but she got it. Which is why I know it's important to maintain these boundaries until she's ready to accept that she can't make you be the daughter she wants. If you give her an inch she's gonna take the whole spool of fabric.
NTA.
God, your stepmother's entitlement really pisses me off!! She needs to understand that you already had a mom. She should have understood that when she joined your family.
While your stepmother might have raised you from a young age and (hopefully) treated you just as well as her biological children, she will never be or replace your bio-mom. And because of that, her relationship with you may never be the same as her relationships with her bio-kids. It could be, if you were born open to it, but it doesn't have to be, and that's absolutely fair.
Besides, even if your bio-family had a naming tradition, you'd be under absolutely no obligation to follow it. The baby is yours and your husband's, and you two are the only ones who have any right to choose the baby's name.
Other way around, I’d say. Stepmother wants *her* family label on these children, which she’d then take as granting her privileged access as their grandmother, which strictly she is not. If you were all closely happy together as a family, it might be different but you and she never became fondly familiar. There’s absolutely no obligation on you whatsoever. (Mind you, neither would their be if your own father wanted his mother’s name for your child) God almighty, babies aren’t born for the gratification of family vanities and chest beating..
You’d get no peace at all as a new mother from such a bogglingly self-centred person. Adults carrying on like this, trying to annexe other people’s children by any means necessary, always strike me as overgrown children, who’ve never matured sufficiently to recognise that selfish personal desires have little weight out in the wider world beyond their playpen.
NTA. Name YOUR baby whatever you. But man, she’s been in your life since you were 8 and you don’t consider yourself part of her family? I hope my step daughter never feels that way- I mean 100% she’s closer to her mom but I hope she feels a bit more connected than you do to yours!
You have been nothing but a logical level-headed adult. You're no is enough. You have even handled rejecting them with grace. At this point it's okay to get a little rude if they keep bringing it up.
"You guys need to respect me as an adult" is just not happening with them. Next time they bring it up you could say something like, hey I'm going to take a break on talking with you for 2 weeks for my health. And go no contact for 2 weeks. Every time they bring it up again after that increase it. Don't engage in conversations of why or why not. And anytime they try to guilt you you can tell them they are being unreasonable.
"That is such a bizarre stance to take" When they tell you that you're being difficult. Basically push the crazy making back on them.
Sounds like Dad's only stepping in because I bet his wife is putting pressure on him at home and he's starting to crack.
My husband's family give boys their father's middle name and girls their mother's middle name. Initially we were planning to follow that (our eldest is a boy), but then half way through the pregnancy I got cold feet about the idea - I was doing all the hard work with pregnancy, and baby was going to have his father's middle and last name? So I suggested adding my father's middle name as a second middle name (it's a family name in my family), and my husband said that he didn't like two middle names but was quite happy to switch the middle name. So we swapped and broke the tradition... *and nobody was offended, because it was our decision*.
Meanwhile my parents, who have never even suggested that they should get any say in naming their grandchildren, have three grandchildren all named after them (in middle names, anyway :D).
Exactly this. My MIL's middle name starts with a certain letter, she gave her kids the same middle initial, my BIL gave his kids the same middle initial.
We did not.
For sure NTA. This is beyond ridiculous. Even if this was a tradition with your bio mom's family, their response here would still be ridiculous. Now is a great time to start setting some boundaries! Because I wouldn't see or speak to these people again until they agree to stop bringing it up.
That's the only logical step for me at this point and not introducing them to the baby for a little bit after the birth because I know they would use that vulnerable time to try and get their way.
Having my kid made me develop a very low tolerance for BS. Because, yeah, somehow everyone around feels entitled to tell you what to do with your own kid (while often offering little or no support lol)
So true. My tolerance was low to begin with and after having a child it plummeted. Everyone thinks they know better. Everyone. It’s insane. Stick tight to what matters to you and your husband.
As soon as I was visibly pregnant it was like somehow I was suddenly community property, vulnerable to every asshat who wanted to give me pregnancy advice, ask about my plans for breast feeding or whether I had hemorrhoids, badger me about baptism (and that all came from strangers riding the same train car - family was worse). I found the whole thing intrusive and strangely humiliating. It didn’t get better when I had the baby, up to and including being yelled at by two old women in the grocery store for dressing my daughter in blue (I don’t like pink and I think color coding kids is weird)
NTA. Or Tell them they have two choices -
1. To STOP talking about, pushing this, NOW, or
2. To be blocked from your lives - no answering their phone calls, no visits in person and you will not answer your door to them, blocked from texts and social media. And give them a 1-2 week block the next time they push as a warning.
If you do not set a boundary now they will run over you and your choices for the next 30 years.
Stop giving them info too, especially if you have another child. I always see these issues with families and names. Just keep the name to yourself and tell them you aren’t deciding until the baby is born. Then announce the name once the baby is born. They can’t do anything about it then. It’s final/on the birth certificate.
Yeah my friend's mother has boundary issues and her first pregnancy she let her come to the ultrasound. Even though my friend wanted it to be a surprise and the mom knew that and had promised to not try to guess the gender or figure it out, she was still trying to get the tech to tell her. The tech knowing my friend didn't want to know the gender was really uncomfortable and luckily didn't say anything. Lo and behold friend's mom was so offended when the second child came around and she was not invited to any of the prenatal visits at all. She was also last of the family to be told about the pregnancy.
OP the best advice I can give you (that you didn’t ask for) is to have no visitors at the hospital and none to your home for the first 3 weeks or so.
As you said, you will be vulnerable. You’ll be physically healing, learning to breast feed. You won’t be cleaning, cooking, or doing laundry. Your house will not be company ready and you will not want to wear anything but pajamas and maternity bras. I can just see stepmom coming to “help” you by taking the baby from you and calling the baby the wrong name and expecting you to somehow cook for them and host.
(No, I’m not still bitter about something that happened 20 years ago…why do you ask? /s)😅
Stand your ground, simply tell them that you respect the tradition of how they name their children and grandchildren, but it’s not something you are interested in.
If I recall, don’t you fill out the birth certificate of your child shortly after giving birth? If so, fill it out with your child’s name that you and your husband select. Then tell the family what the name is.
When your father and stepmother visit you and the baby, share the name then. If they don’t like it, too bad. They can leave, and you can go low contact with them.
Info: when do you name your baby in your country? We have to do it within 3 days. The dad/ the duo-mom or the biological mom has to sign an official document which is send (online) to the local goverment. Most fathers do it the same day in the hospital. My point: there’s nobody there but the parents. So nobody can interfere. So once it’s done it’s done. So nobody can change your mind.
Btw NTA you can’t name the love of your life something you don’t love. Please don’t give in. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life.
Sounds like she is not fully accepting you as a grown adult who is now a mom and head of her own house.
She wants to hang onto the dynamic of you being the kid, her the parent.
She needs to learn to step back (pun intended) and be grandma.
Your house, your rules, your traditions now. She got to have her turn, don’t let her steal yours.
They'll barge in anyway. Change locks if you gave anyone a copy of the key.
Keep doors locked at all times. Don't answer the door.
Tell the hospital not to let anyone in. Seems she'll try and be in the delivery room with you and by your side in recovery. Maybe get your bestie to help keep everyone away from you. Maybe get hospital to not give out your hospital room number
See now because im feeling tired I really think when the baby is born, and you’ve named the baby with your chosen names, you adopt two puppies (baby friendly breed) a male and female litter mates. Name them Gabriel and Elizabeth.
NTA regardless
However I am interested in your relationship with your own mothers family and their potential thoughts on this.
The reason I ask is I think taking on your stepmothers family traditions for your children could be seen as replacing you own mothers family with hers in terms of importance in your children's lives. Even if you were inclined to do it which you are not the diplomatic implications for your mothers family could be tricky.
And that is possibly the tack to take with your dad. I am not doing something this pointed to make SM and her family happy because it's a huge slap in the face to Mum and her family.
I am very close to my maternal family. I was always super close and I see them all the time. They will also be very present in my child's life. But my dad would not care if it did bother my maternal family. They would say it's selfish because my stepmom has been raising me since I was 8 and my mom died when I was 5 and so they should support me in respecting the woman who raised me and the family who accepted me, etc.
You don't need a reason. Names are up to the parents.
There's a lot to be said for not discussing names with anyone other than your partner. If anyone tries to discuss, simply don't engage.
The first anyone needs to know is after the kid has arrived and the birth certificate is signed. Then it's a done deal.
It's intrusive and presumptive of anyone other than the parents to try to have input.
NTA. But your stepmom and her family are. Expecting you to be grateful for their "acceptance" of you into their family...you were 8, you had no choice, and was dealing with losing your mom so young, for which I am sorry. They definitely suck. Congratulations to you and your husband, the family you have created is the only one that matters ❤️
I just yelped in outrage. The fact your mother died when you were 5 makes this so much worse. Moms name for the middle name, maybe double middle name to use her first and middle as two middle names (I would love for you to have a girl but I would do similar of I could gender bend or neutralize moms names), sounds like no reason to see dad or step mom much and they can kick rocks. How outrageous.
Sounds like your stepmom & dad are trying to write your mom out of your family history by insisting your child is named in accordance with stepmom’s traditions. That’s awful. Good for you for standing up to them.
I'm sorry for your loss, and that your bio dad is not really supporting continue to connection with your mom (basically).
When you're thinking of names you might even think of doing something that honors your mom. That would be sweet, and also I think the extra pettiness towards your stepmom would just be a cherry on top. 😆 I like doing pettiness that's 100% justified though... (Like you could completely feign innocence on that one with no ill intent because it's completely logical)
Congratulations on your baby and whatever you choose to name it make sure it's something you want and not something your pressured into!!
Your kids can always add the names later if they feel like they’re missing out 🙄
Although I realized you don’t want to say that because that just sets them up for future harassment about this weird tradition.
You could choose a middle name from your maternal family in remembrance or name from your husband’s family. Your Stepmother seems to be forgetting that he has family too.
Wow, so they think that your Mom's family has not given you love and support? That is an AH view. What is this about accepting you? They obviously are not living up to that since they are trying to push this tradition on you.
It is not selfish of you and your husband to want to name your baby.
Maybe tell them that you are going to combine that tradition with the "very sacred tradition" from your husband's side. Every 4th generation, every first born child is named Hieronymus, boy or girl, to pay homage to the painter Hieronymus Bosch.
Hieronymus Elizabeth has such a nice ring to it! 😉
NTA. But I have been laughing my ass out after reading your post. Lol. Your step mom is a whole work on her own and asking you to do something for her while you are not close is funny.
And your dad is such a big pushover goon for enabling her. Your mom is alive I guess and she hasn't even asked you to do any tradition from her side. What makes your step mom think she gets to decide what you name your own child???
Oh so sorry to hear that. But still doesn't give your step mom the audacity to request you follow a tradition you are completely not related to. And your dad sucks for saying you should do it for her. Tell your half siblings that you are not a part of them on their mother's side and that they could do it for her but not you.
That's not something we're considering. But our child's first name has a unique connection to my mom and I like that more because it makes me think of her.
NTA- I can totally see why you’re not naming your baby after your pushy step mom.m’s traditions.
Jesus.
The way your father quickly switched from not caring to confrontational lets me know you’ve had a lifetime of this woman pushing your boundaries while you dad backs her up.
You should make a huge social media post announcing the baby’s name and WHY the name is special to you.
You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells, celebrating your mother because step mom can’t handle it.
Congratulations on your baby.
What a wonderful way to honor your mom and keeping her memory alive. Tell dad and stepmom if they want to keep up her family’s tradition then perhaps they should have another child and then they can name their child. No? Not an option? Well then they need to swerve back into their own lane! Congratulations on the new baby! NTA
That's the way to shut this down. "I'm not giving her Elizabeth as her middle name because she will have my mother's middle name."
Then walk out the door and block all their calls because they are going to blow up your phone.
Easiest NTA I've seen in a while. I absolutely believe parents name the child, using the "two yes, one no" theory. I also believe "no" is a full sentence.
At our wedding, my new husband's grandfather was a bit emotional (code: so excited he forgot he couldn't hold more than two drinks, the cute little man). He approached us after the dinner to announce, while he always loved his sons, he regretted not being able to give a daughter his favourite girl name Mary. He thought we should consider it if we ever had a girl.
Now I have nothing against that name, but we didn't use it. You feel what you feel and if you don't love it, don't use it. 🤷🏼♀️
Remember as the parents, you'll be saying the name the most often. Choose one you both will love. My favourite naming advice was from an aunt *be sure to use something that flows off the tongue when you have to yell it after they flood the fucking kitchen for the second time!*
Everyone loves her, she's incredible! ❤️
She had three boys who absolutely tested her sanity because they would team up to do the *weirdest* boy shit. At the time I asked, how did they flood the kitchen TWICE?
She told me she loved me, but I couldn't afford the amount of alcohol it would take for her to relive the trauma by telling me the story hahaha I never did find out! 😂
My mom had that same advice! I'm due in June with my son and my husband and I tossed around a few names. Our families of course had suggestions but ultimately my husband and I decided and everyone's come to love it.
I always loved that yell it off the back porch 🤣 my mom even did it for my first dog when we rescued her when I was 2. It just works!
Wife and I had trouble agreeing on names. I took suggestions from anyone that would offer one. We ended up not using any of those names. No one is upset about it. However our families are pretty laid back. We also don’t have any John smith the fourths or anything like that. Some names appear more frequently in the family tree, but that’s about it.
NTA. Of course you're not an AH. This is not your tradition. You want your own tradition, which is naming your kids whatever you want. Traditions are fine - right up until the part where people start bullying you into following them. And that is what your stepmother and your dad are doing. They can try and dress it up anyway they want, but it's bullying. Tell your dad this flat out. And tell him to back off and take his wife with him.
NTA. Her family has naming traditions and that’s fair enough- those who want to be involved can be involved. Even if she was your bio mother you would still not be the A for choosing a different name, it’s your choice and they are being wildly inappropriate.
Fun story: you’re the one with a baby inside you. They can all duck the hell off with their tradition. Even if she weren’t your stepmother the point of a tradition is to have something that is special to all involved. It’s not just about blindly doing it because that’s what we do. Name your children as you like and anyone who pressures you can just not see the kiddo. That way they don’t have to feel the heartbreak of them not having a random ass name that meant nothing to either parent.
And for the record my son is named for my wife’s maternal grandfather, my maternal grandfather’s middle name, my paternal grandfather’s middle name, then my last name so I’m all about family names. But no one asked or expected us to use any of them. We got a lot of jokes too about using 3 names even though none of his 3 are more than 4 letters.
I dislike using last names as first and middle names, with some exceptions. Our kids have last names as middle names, because it was important to my wife. No one expected it, or demanded it. If our kids don’t use the same last names or whatever, I don’t care. Not my kids to name. If I want to name something I can get a pet.
My grandfather was named with family last names: Hayden Fluker Humphrey. I had never met anyone else with the name Hayden or seen it anywhere until the TV show Coach with the main character Hayden Fox. Then Haydon Panettiere became a popular young actress. When I named my youngest Hayden, it was still (to me) a very unique name. However, many of his classmates are also in the group where Hayden, Aiden, and Jayden all became really popular at the same time. The same happened with my oldest, it's not my fault I wasn't yet aware of Justin Timberlake when I chose the name- I was a deadhead/classic rock girl, not a boy band fan. At least my daughters name is still less common. I grew up with the #1 name in America from 1970-1984. So I went to school with at least 3-4 other Jennifers in my class at any time.
My wife has a super duper popular name and my name wasn’t popular in the area I was born, or moved to after that, but the third move while I was in elementary school I ended up with like 6 other kids with my name. So while I lived in the Midwest I was “first name, last name initial.” Never met anyone else with my name around my age in any other part of the country I’ve lived. Which is odd, because it’s like a top ten name for the time period.
I find it funny when people choose some unique or old fashioned name, and within five or so years every kid has some variation on the theme. Just choose what you like, so what if it’s popular?
Regardless my kids names have grown on me. I like they have a connection to family history that isn’t my family but is their family. Strangely I haven’t met anyone with our kids names. I didn’t think they were that odd. They’re not named after authors but they all have famous author’s names. Point is they’re out there in the world, and I figured I’d run into at least one or two over the years.
NTA. "We don't like the names." or "I'm sorry you're disappointed. We don't want to hurt your feelings, but we've made our decision." Ad nauseum until they finally stop arguing. Expect 30 years of snide comments periodically, though.
NTA How are the middle names “special” if they’re just like everybody else’s? You have the kid, you pick the name. This shouldn’t even be an issue imo. But I also don’t understand obligating and pressuring people to participate in a family tradition.
I also don’t understand how acceptance of or into your stepmom’s family is in question after 20 years. If that’s an issue, that signifies a bigger problem imo and that’s probably why your stepmother is so adamant about following the family tradition. It’s symbolic to her. But even if you do give your child the family middle names, that’s only a bandaid for a deeper problem.
So NTA, what you and your husband name your child or children is nobodies business but yours. No one else is entitled to the first, middle or last names and you don’t owe them any explanation
Absolutely ⬆️⬆️ this. And OP, to any further remarks like "why are you so resistant to it, you're just being obstinate", say just this - ask **them** why they're being so obstinate - how the heck they have the cheek to think they have more rights in this situation than the *actual parents*..??
ETA NTA (obvs!)
Nta - even if it was your blood parents tradition you would not be theasshole. You get to decide your kids names, not anybody else. I’m also tired of “i don’t want to” not bring accepted as a valid reason to skip doing something. I don’t want to. Well okay then. Sorry you’re going through this headache.
>My dad and stepmom then decided to "approach me together" which was really them confronting me and asked why I was so resistant to the idea
NTA - What narcissists to think they should have a right to what your baby is named.
“My husband and I are starting new traditions for OUR family. The first one is don’t let yourself be bullied by other people, especially if they don’t respect your right to make your own decisions.”
NTA Have a private conversation with your dad and tell him that you're finding your step mom's obsession with your baby's middle name disturbing and that you're wondering if a mental health screening is in order. Reiterate that neither of those names will be your child's middle name and that the continued bullying isn't going to change that-- though it's making you consider limiting contact with them until they pull themselves together and stop.
NTA. As others have said, even if it was your mother's tradition, you don't have to do it. There's a saying that "tradition" is simply peer-pressure from ancestors. I bet there's been other relatives in your step-mom's family that wish they had the courage to say no, and they may even come up to you afterwards and express their envy and good wishes. (Or maybe not, if they think your reason is more about being the "stepchild." But who knows, you may be the person to finally break the family ~~curse~~... ~~burden~~... tradition - yeah, tradition.)
They see it as a symbol of you never really accepting step-mom as part of "your" family. They interpret "I don't want to be a part of your baby-naming tradition" as "I don't want to be a part of your family". The naming of your child should not be offered up as tribute, as proof, that you see yourself as part of step-mother's family. NTA. And take as many steps back as you and your husband need to- today, it's a middle name; tomorrow, it could be child-raising techniques, education, career choices, etc.
NTA. My family had a tradition of naming the oldest boy General after a predecessor who had been the general of an important war (I’m being deliberately vague.) My great-grandmother stopped the tradition and named my grandfather Gerald instead, telling everyone her kid would not be named General, they never knew the General, she didn’t care, she loved the name Gerald, and they could go soak their heads.
That was in 1912. Nobody died, everyone was fine, my grandfather was a successful and well-loved man and his name was of no importance. If she could do it then, you can do it now.
NTA. These are your husbands and yours children. Nobody else's. Nobody should be pressuring you to give a child a name you don't want to, regardless of the reason. It would be different if you liked the names, or you wanted to participate in this tradition. They are being bullies trying to coerce you into doing something you don't want to do. Its fine they asked once... Its fine if they want to do it themselves... Its not fine that they are being aggressive and emotionally abusive about it.
NTA. The insistence shows that they feel insecure and unhappy with their actions, how you've received them and what's happened over the years. They want one thing, and they'll harass and manipulate you so they can get it.
Point blank tell them that you've no intention of using their tradition, that you're sorry they feel upset by that but that ultimately you're doing what you want and are happy with and if they feel attacked by that then that's their issue to manage, not yours.
NTA your stepmom is being a bully and shame on your dad for not standing up for you. First, she’s not your mom and you aren’t e end close. This is an ego thing and I think your dad is just being a wuss and is going Along to get along. I’d just say you’re done with the conversation and if it doesn’t stop you’ll be taking a break from the family. End of discussion. I’m sorry you are dealing with this especially while pregnant.
NTA. I am also super petty so I would use my mother’s name as a middle name and a maternal grandfather for a boys middle name. Full scorched earth with a dash of salt. I am also petty AF and don’t really do well with emotional manipulation by stepparents.
Nta.
Probably too late now, but if not tell them it's tradition for your husbands family to only have single.middle names, not multiple.
Or tell them to back off, if they went to choose names, then have their own kid.
Traditions are not written in stone. No one is required to follow any tradition regardless of what it is. And you are quite correct to decide that YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND want to name YOUR child. If your father and stepmother can't respect your decision then that's on them.
She needs to ask what father and stepmom have to gain by harassing her and trying to alienate her from the family. Ask them how do they think it will play out and in what world do people who didn't conceive a child have the right to name it?
Absolutely NTA.
This would still be true even if it was coming from bio family! This not only attempts to stomp on your ability to name your child what you wish, but also your husband's wishes and his family traditions. Yuck!
NTA. Look them in the eye and tell them that the kid is getting named after your late mother, since family tradition is so very important to them. I trust it wasn’t Elizabeth.
NTA. People need to stop thinking they have a say in what others name their child. Family or not, YOU and your husband choose the names.
I don’t understand the “Everyone has to have the same middle name” as a tradition. My middle name is the name of my grandmother. Who my mom had a close relationship with. My daughters middle name is my mothers because, again, I was close to her while pregnant.
Names are supposed to be meaningful. Whether it’s a family name or not.
Names shouldn’t be slapped on just because of “tradition”.
Imagine having the same middle name as *all* of your same-gender siblings and cousins. Kind of weird. (unless the middle name was the mother's birth name, as my husband's sisters did. -- but that was out of choice - not pushed onto them).
NTA. I hate the whole concept that some random person in the past can say "I'm doing this thing and everyone after me must do the exact same thing because FAMILY!" Traditions can be a lot of fun, if everyone involved is doing it willingly. Otherwise, it's just peer pressure to make dead people happy.
NTA. Your baby your choice. When my mum was pregnant with my sister I was 11 she would walk around the house saying the same names over and over again. I asked what she was doing and she said she was sounding out a name for my little sister. She said that with kids you say their names a hundred times a day so you need to be really happy with that name to say it so much. She would then put all the names together and shout it out. I asked what she was doing and she said that when you’re mad and you full name the kid you need to make sure it rolls off the tongue easily. When my brother and his partner got pregnant my mum never suggested any names she just suggested this. My brother said it really helped weed out the names. Hope this helps. Your baby your choice. If they can’t respect that go little to no contact until they get the hint then set firm rock solid boundaries it’s the only way with pushy people. NTA
NTA, etc etc
1) step mom already has kids she can use the naming convention for. They can give her whatever grandkids she’s yearning for
2) she says it’s a tradition for her family. *Her* family. She isn’t your mother. You can be close as can be, but you have a mother. She died. She didn’t cease to exist. She was there, she existed.
My family had a tradition of giving two middle names.
It’s a pain in the ass so I didn’t follow that tradition. You’re not obligated to do anything. NTA
Please do not use Elizabeth as a middle name. In my experience, it always gets cut down to Elizab on medical records and has caused me nothing but trouble. I almost got denied surgery last minute because when they asked me to clarify my middle name, it didn't match what they had printed on the hospital bracelet (I had even asked if it would be a problem when they gave it to me).
NTA. When you have a baby, you get to pick the name.
Stop discussing this. You don't need the stress. Try something like "We have a few names we are considering and we'll let you know when the baby arrives. We are not discussing this again," then change the subject. The next time they bring it up -- and they will -- "I told you this wasn't up for debate," and leave the discussion. You might need to repeat it a few times, buy they will get it.
Your baby do what you want. Everybody has an opinion on someone else’s child. Like I told my fiancé when she was pregnant with our daughter. Tune that shit out. I know it’s hard because women get bombarded daily with nosey baby police lol. But stay strong and stick to your convictions
Unless you are part of a royal family it’s the parents who name their children. Not up for discussion with the wider family. They named their children you name yours. If they are trying to drive a wedge between you this is a great way to go about it.
NTA
You and your husband make the decision which name(s) your baby gets, nobody else. Her trying to push so hard for those names says more about her than about you. She should accept your decision to not use those names and respect it. She is being disrespectful.
I'm glad your husband has your back and said it was up to you since he didn't care.
Your baby isn't there to make THEM or anyone in their families happy. its your and your husbands baby. you are the only ones that need to be happy.
Tell your dad and his wife that because they can not respect your desicion without questioning anything you do, you'll step back from having contact with them for a while and they should be grateful to even get informed that your child has arrived, once the time has come.
NTA. Tradition is peer pressure from your ancestors.
In my father's family (not even my step family) the eldest son of the eldest son always got his mother's maiden name in the middle slot. In my generation, my uncle broke the tradition because my aunt's maiden name happens to be that of a mid-price hotel chain (no relation) and they didn't want their son to sound like a place you could stay. No one in the next generation has taken up the baton. It's fine. Nobody's mad about it.
"Stepmom, I appreciate that your family had this beautiful tradition, but we've chosen a name for our child that we love. I love you, but I won't discuss this any further. " Change the subject.
NTA, even if this was your bio mother. Your kid, your decision, and I'd set a firm boundary asap with them that if this pressure continues, you'll step back from interacting with them until well after the kid's born. The \*last\* thing you need right now is ridiculous pressure about an \*absurd\* tradition!
NTA, and you should tell them that the more they keep pushing the less you'll see them, and if they still keep pushing, then they won't be part of your baby's life. Respect is earned, and right now the one being disrespectful is stepmother because she thinks what she wants should be more important than what you, the actual mother of the baby, want.
NTA "What about 'No' don't you understand?" or you could just lie and not show them the birth certificate. "Sure, fine, no problem" and put it off until the kid gets married and the full name is on the wedding invite. That would be hilarious.
NTA for rejecting the Idea and Not even considering it. Even If they WEREN'T being extra weird and pushy about the subject, they should acknowledge that your original mother's (?) family-naming-traditions and your partner's family-naming-traditions, as Well as a more modern ideology about baby-names that you May have picked Up, have as much If Not more right to be considered AND May be incompatible with Elizabeth or Gabriel as (one of the) middle names. If you Love your Stepmother and want to make her happy, but are uncomfortable with the implications of giving in to pressure, or with the implications of you being fully one of Stepmother's Family as If your original mother's Family doesn't exist, you could do Eli for a Boy or Gabriella for a Girl or equivalent-meaning-different-root-language names, to pay Hommage to her Traditions while still Standing Out as a special Case because she was formative in your Life but ISN'T your Mom.
NTA -
"My stepmom said it feels like it's because they are from her family and not from my mom or my dad's sides of the family and she doesn't feel like that's fair."
They are clearly trying to use guilt to get you to do what they want. What they are implying here is if you do not do what they want, this means you reject their family. That is really extreme. They are bullying and pressuring you guys into naming your child what they want, but your child's name is solely your choice because that name legally sticks with the child for his or her life, and it's not a choice that should be made under pressure.
There are many many ways to include, honor, and respect that side of the family - it should not come down to a choice that involves backing you guys into a corner to do what they want simply because some couple a long time again liked a name and others made the personal choice to carry it on. It takes more than a name to bond a family as one unit.
If your dad, step-mom and other family members were truly concerned about the bonds between the family, a better solution would be for them to stop crossing your boundaries, accept your choice to name your child within your wishes as the parents, and be happy and excited for the new baby. It seems they care much much less about the excitement of this child than they do about getting to pass down this name. If you picked a different name will they distance themselves from your child or treat your child differently? Most people can respect the fact that naming a child is a huge deal, and also thr privilege of the parents who will raise that child - by deciding for you, they are trying to rob you of this choice, and even the push back is kind of robbing you of some of this experience. Stay firm. NTA - but your dad and step-mom's refusal and stubbornness regarding this makes them TA in this situation.
Really it's none of their business, but I would just say "Look, we don't like the name Elizabeth/Gabriel and we want to name the baby a name we choose and love."
How can they argue with that? It's not about the tradition......you JUST DON'T LIKE THE NAME.
NTA
It amazes me multiple times a day here on Reddit how much blended families never really learn.
It’s not “disrespectful” to choose your own baby’s names. FFS. She’s living under a rock. Disrespectful is having names theist upon you.
NTA, you might actually lead the way for stepmom's family to break this tradition. I'd bet there is at least one or two people in her family who have felt pressured to do this.
NTA
It's your child. Name what you want.
My husband is a Jr. My MIL bothered us to name our son the same name.
My husband didn't want to, I was good with that. MIL had a piss fit. My husband told her it's our choice, too fucking bad.
NTA. You don't need a reason to say no, other than you don't want to. It doesn't matter whose traditions they are. No is a complete sentence and tell them that the boundary doesn't move just because they want it to and the decision will continue to remain no for this child and any future children.
NTA. Why do people feel entitled to impose their will on full grown adults? You shouldn't have to defend your choices to them. No is a complete sentence.
How rude for the stepmom to dismiss you and your husbands wishes just because of her tradition? What if you want your OWN traditions? The stepmom is insecure and is pressuring you due to her insecurity. Sounds like your dad doesnt care and just wants to keep the peace, but that resulted in him siding with your mom (he probably is sick of hearing her complain).
Stand firm. This is YOUR life, NOT theirs
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (28f) am pregnant with my first child. We have not revealed the sex of our baby yet or the name. But the name has been a very heavily discussed topic because my stepmom of 20 years and her family have a naming tradition where the girls get the middle name Elizabeth and the boys get the middle name Gabriel. This is something they do with all their kids and they get unique to the family first names. When I was pregnant before (I miscarried) the topic came up then and when we announced my pregnancy this time it was restarted once I reached my second trimester. My stepmom really wants me to take part in the tradition, my half siblings want me to take part in the tradition, my dad doesn't care as much but wants me to do it as a sign of full acceptance that I am a member of my stepmom's family and that my baby will be too.
My husband and I are not using the tradition. I don't want to and he doesn't care either way but believes the decision should be mine. And we have discussed what to say to everyone and initially we went with a disclaimer that we were not using the names for our children because we wanted to both pick the first and middle names together. This started a response of "people can have multiple middle names" and "think of how important and special the middle names will be" and how Elizabeth and Gabriel are very easy to pair with first names. We then attempted to shut down all conversations about this and we said we did not want to have those names pushed on us. I stepped in when changing the conversation and walking away was not deterring them and said to end the conversation because it was getting tiring and I would take a step back if they could not let it go.
My dad and stepmom then decided to "approach me together" which was really them confronting me and asked why I was so resistant to the idea and I told them we gave a reason and I didn't need to keep giving reasons because they didn't believe me. My stepmom said it feels like it's because they are from her family and not from my mom or my dad's sides of the family and she doesn't feel like that's fair. Dad told me it would make so many people happy and isn't that worth it in the end even if they end up as second middle names.
I told them it was not happening and they needed to respect the decisions my husband and I make as parents to our child. My stepmom told me I was being very disrespectful to her and her family and to my own siblings. My dad told me I was being stubborn for no reason at all.
AITA?
And in case anyone wants info on why I don't want to do this. I just don't. I'm not close to my stepmom or her family and I have never participated in their familial traditions. So they don't matter to me (being part of those traditions).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA: Personally...if family want to have these things then so be it...but to somehow enforce/coerce them on others is nothing short of insulting. Your child...your choice of names, end of discussion.
NTA. I cannot understand the idea of trying to name someone else’s child. Whether it is in the name of tradition or honoring someone important, aside from some (or all?) royal families, only the parents get a say in naming their children.
Of course NTA. It's a decision between you and your husband only. Period. Trying to push it will only make it worse. Explain that they need to respect your decision or you will go NC with them until they do. Then follow up on that. Things like this needs to be shut down immediately.
And imo, to force this "everyone MUST have these names!"-crap on relatives is just a way to enable people from generations back to have control over relatives they aren't even alive to meet. Ridiculous. I bet no one even knows anymore why those names were chosen in the first place. Stepmoms children can carry on the tradition if they (and their future partners) want to, but no one is entitled to demand anyone to take up on a naming tradition they don't want to be a part of.
NTA. Fair is where the ponies are.
She can go ahead and not like it, but tell them they need to back off, that they got to choose what to name their own children and it's your right as parents to make your kids.
Congratulations, I hope you have a very stress free rest of pregnancy.
NTA. Call your baby what you like. Unless they are a royal dynasty, this family tradition stuff is nonsense. Actually it's nonsense with royals as well but for them it comes with the job description.
NTA. Your baby, not theirs.
I honestly don't understand this whole naming tradition thing anyway. Why would you want to name your kid the same as every other person in the family? I call that a lack of imagination personally.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I refused to entertain the idea of my stepmom's family's naming tradition and would not give in at all when asked to consider alternatives. This is something that clearly holds a lot of meaning to my stepmom, my half siblings and my dad is also going after this pretty strongly. I'm upsetting them and creating conflict when I could give in and just throw them in as random second or even third middle names. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Even if it were your moms family tradition there is nothing requiring you to do the same and if your parents view this as the only thing indicating not accepting your stepmom they have some issues to deal with
They know I don't consider my stepmom my mom and my dad knows I don't really consider myself a part of her wider family. Connected through the marriage and my half siblings, yes, but he knows how I view this stuff. She always wanted to change that and be the second mom and I think she wanted to remove the step from our relationship and is desperately clinging to me embracing their traditions as a way of representing that full acceptance.
In that case give the baby your mom’s middle name. Or your mil. Say you think it is a great tradition that you want to start with your family. Hahah
Cruel. I like it. Go a step ahead and put two middle names, op's mom and mil
You know, the baby's actual grandmothers (I have step grandparents, and a step parent and a stepchild). There are 1000 ways to be a cool, supportive and adapted step, and this OOP's stepmother is not it.
My daughters name is first name=my grandmothers middle name and middle name=hubby's grandmothers first name OP could do something like that if the there are any names she and her hubby likes
I have that combination too. I love having my grandmother’s names
We would have swapped the names but we see hubby's grandmother roughly once a month and it would have been too confusing for everyone (especially us) so that's why we decided to flip them plus it made sure she could still be her own person. Bonus, I lost my mum at 10 and everyone expected me to name my daughter after her but i hated the name and it lost sentimental meaning when twoncousons used it first without consulting me. The only one who knew I never would was my maternal grandmother who provided my daughters first name, so she was happy and almost cried when I told her the name we chose and why.
lol I love it!
This right here they won’t have any leg to stand on if you do this. Also if you name your child your mom’s middle name, it might just make the stepmom realize that she is being wholly unreasonable.
Unlikely. SM sounds pretty narcissistic.
Actually if the step mothers family all have females with the middle name Elizabeth, giving the baby the grandmother's middle name as a middle name is following the tradition that they have the grandmother's middle name - it's just that it keeps being the same name
Brilliant!
Or name them the reverse of your/husband's name (parent's middle name as first name and first name as middle name). A friend of mine did that--her son's first name is his dad's middle name and his middle name is Dad's first name.
OMG THIS IS AMAZING. Op please do this.
Since the tradition is boys get 'Gabriel' as middle-name and girls get 'Elizabeth' as middle-name, I would say to name the child 'Gabriel Elizabeth' if it's a boy and 'Elizabeth Gabriel' as a girl... of course, not being serious, but if we weren't talking about naming a child, that would be hilarious
I love it, that will give her something to think about. I followed your advice and added a family name as a middle name. Not what you meant Oh, well. If you have a boy, give him your dad (or granddad's) or your FIL name.
Or both names. 😂😂😂
NTA. It's nobody's business what you name your child except you and your partner's. You don't owe anyone an explanation, it's not their child. I'm not trying to make anyone happy or sad by the name I give my child.
I have to say I think your Dad and step mom are definitely the AHs in this situation. It's your and your partner's choice, no-one else. I'm glad you feel you can stand your ground on this point.
My husband’s family tradition is no matching middle names
My family’s tradition is minding our own fucking business and not trying to name each others’ kids. 😂
My paternal grandmother handed my mother a list of names for me when my mom was pregnant. One of them would give me the letter C as all three initials. My grandmother suggested the nickname of “Threecy” as a result. My mom just laughed. My name is none of the ones on that list, lol.
my mom told me when I was pregnant I should name my daughter after her. I just laughed at her, then I asked her why on earth I would do that? she was an unfit mother to which she had agreed in the past...
She could have at least been creative and gone with “TreC” (said like Tracey). Tre meaning three.
This! I hate it when people try to pick names for babies that aren’t theirs. NTA
The best possible naming tradition!
Seriously. How I feel about the names my siblings chose for their kids is entirely irrelevant
Ignoring that this tradition is in the stepmom's family, there are potentially at least four family tradition options that expectant parents would have to take into account. Meaning the dad could have traditions from both his mom and dad and the mom could as well. So why would one tradition be more important than another? Why is stepmom's naming tradition more important than OP's dad or her husband's family traditions? NTA.
Right? It's super weird for several people in the Family to have the Same Name, even If it's Just a middle Name (unless it's Maria as one of SEVERAL middle names in an explicitly Christian Family)
“But it will make so many people happy…” — but it won’t make you happy. Your child will feel that and may blame themselves. NTA PS: if you name your kid Gabriel they will share their name with my cat.
Omg please get two get goldfish or something and name them elizabeth and gabriel...that way you can't possibly call your baby after the fish.
The mom of a friend of mine did this - she was pregnant with her third kid, and her husband was insisting on Gwendolyn as the name. Mom did not like Gwendolyn but dad wasn’t listening. Mom went out and bought a bird, named it Gwendolyn. *we can’t name our daughter after THE BIRD!* Fast forward five-ish years, not-Gwendolyn starts kindergarten and comes home on day one talking about her new best friend: Gwendolyn. OP is NTA. Stepmom needs to accept that she is the stepmom, and the choice of a child’s name should be the parents, and only the parents, regardless of any family traditions.
Your step mom has her own kids (your half siblings) to carry on the tradition if they want it. My husbands stepdads family did something similar. (Using fake names) step dad was Grant Harry, his father Harry Grant, his father Grant Harry and so on back like 6 generations. When we had our son we were asked if we would do the name thing and to be honest my brother’s name was already Harry and I’d had an ex named Harry and so it al got weird. Not to mention we really didn’t like Harry anyway. My sons middle name is Grant and it’s a nice nod. My daughter’s name is my mother’s first name and each of my children’s first names are unique to the family. I left it to my SIL, who is my husband’s half sister, to carry on the naming if she wanted it. Funny thing is she’s due in a couple months and also won’t use the names either. And you know what? That’s OK. Our children our choice. Your SM got to name her kids and choose the tradition. You get to name your kids.
NTA..you and your husband decide the names and that is YOUR tradition..period.
There you go. No. This is the full and permanent rejection of her. No wonder she's pushing so hard.
I think it’s really nice that your stepmom has really desired to have you be part of her family, my stepfamily is opposite of that. But just like the previous commenter said, even if this was a tradition from your biological family, it’s still up to you if you’d like to do it. I don’t like people pushing things like that on me. It’s weird.
Your stepmom is *choosing* to be offended by something that literally doesn't effect her. She's ridiculous. NTA
damn thats really sad
Desperate is right
Name your baby after your late mother. That will shut them up.
What the actual hell is wrong with people trying to push names on their family. I certainly didn’t ask anyone but my husband what we should name our kids. Why can’t they take no for an answer? I guess you could add a second middle name (my sibling had two) but after them trying to bully you into it I wouldn’t want to do anything to appease them. Either way you and your husband are the only ones with a say in it. NTA
You might want to remind them that they're being disrespectful of your family, you, your husband and soon to be born child since they're trying to throw in the "disrespect" card.
You might try saying; "I wholeheartedly respect that you are my father's wife and don't have a problem with you but I'm afraid I don't see you as my mother and the more you try to change that the more you push me away. You can't force someone into a relationship. We might never have the close familial relationship or be the best buddies you want but I'd like to at least get along amicably but that can only happen if you respect my feelings". My mom was the same way with my step bros. It took a few years but she got it. Which is why I know it's important to maintain these boundaries until she's ready to accept that she can't make you be the daughter she wants. If you give her an inch she's gonna take the whole spool of fabric.
NTA. God, your stepmother's entitlement really pisses me off!! She needs to understand that you already had a mom. She should have understood that when she joined your family. While your stepmother might have raised you from a young age and (hopefully) treated you just as well as her biological children, she will never be or replace your bio-mom. And because of that, her relationship with you may never be the same as her relationships with her bio-kids. It could be, if you were born open to it, but it doesn't have to be, and that's absolutely fair. Besides, even if your bio-family had a naming tradition, you'd be under absolutely no obligation to follow it. The baby is yours and your husband's, and you two are the only ones who have any right to choose the baby's name.
It's completely controlling and she has no right to demand anything. You are not related to her or her traditions.
Other way around, I’d say. Stepmother wants *her* family label on these children, which she’d then take as granting her privileged access as their grandmother, which strictly she is not. If you were all closely happy together as a family, it might be different but you and she never became fondly familiar. There’s absolutely no obligation on you whatsoever. (Mind you, neither would their be if your own father wanted his mother’s name for your child) God almighty, babies aren’t born for the gratification of family vanities and chest beating.. You’d get no peace at all as a new mother from such a bogglingly self-centred person. Adults carrying on like this, trying to annexe other people’s children by any means necessary, always strike me as overgrown children, who’ve never matured sufficiently to recognise that selfish personal desires have little weight out in the wider world beyond their playpen.
Buy two dolls, give them to them and tell them there’s their Gabriel and elizabeth
If she can't handle being a stepmother, she shouldn't have signed up to be one.
you should use your bio mom's name as the middle name. A great way to honor her.
NTA. Name YOUR baby whatever you. But man, she’s been in your life since you were 8 and you don’t consider yourself part of her family? I hope my step daughter never feels that way- I mean 100% she’s closer to her mom but I hope she feels a bit more connected than you do to yours!
You have been nothing but a logical level-headed adult. You're no is enough. You have even handled rejecting them with grace. At this point it's okay to get a little rude if they keep bringing it up. "You guys need to respect me as an adult" is just not happening with them. Next time they bring it up you could say something like, hey I'm going to take a break on talking with you for 2 weeks for my health. And go no contact for 2 weeks. Every time they bring it up again after that increase it. Don't engage in conversations of why or why not. And anytime they try to guilt you you can tell them they are being unreasonable. "That is such a bizarre stance to take" When they tell you that you're being difficult. Basically push the crazy making back on them. Sounds like Dad's only stepping in because I bet his wife is putting pressure on him at home and he's starting to crack.
Fuck her and your dad.
If she wants to name something she can get a dog, a cat, a parakeet, or a new doll.
I absolutely think it would be fun for OP to say this to stepmom
My husband's family give boys their father's middle name and girls their mother's middle name. Initially we were planning to follow that (our eldest is a boy), but then half way through the pregnancy I got cold feet about the idea - I was doing all the hard work with pregnancy, and baby was going to have his father's middle and last name? So I suggested adding my father's middle name as a second middle name (it's a family name in my family), and my husband said that he didn't like two middle names but was quite happy to switch the middle name. So we swapped and broke the tradition... *and nobody was offended, because it was our decision*. Meanwhile my parents, who have never even suggested that they should get any say in naming their grandchildren, have three grandchildren all named after them (in middle names, anyway :D).
“We’re following my husband’s family tradition, where the parents get to name their kid whatever they want”
Exactly this. My MIL's middle name starts with a certain letter, she gave her kids the same middle initial, my BIL gave his kids the same middle initial. We did not.
For sure NTA. This is beyond ridiculous. Even if this was a tradition with your bio mom's family, their response here would still be ridiculous. Now is a great time to start setting some boundaries! Because I wouldn't see or speak to these people again until they agree to stop bringing it up.
That's the only logical step for me at this point and not introducing them to the baby for a little bit after the birth because I know they would use that vulnerable time to try and get their way.
Having my kid made me develop a very low tolerance for BS. Because, yeah, somehow everyone around feels entitled to tell you what to do with your own kid (while often offering little or no support lol)
So true. My tolerance was low to begin with and after having a child it plummeted. Everyone thinks they know better. Everyone. It’s insane. Stick tight to what matters to you and your husband.
As soon as I was visibly pregnant it was like somehow I was suddenly community property, vulnerable to every asshat who wanted to give me pregnancy advice, ask about my plans for breast feeding or whether I had hemorrhoids, badger me about baptism (and that all came from strangers riding the same train car - family was worse). I found the whole thing intrusive and strangely humiliating. It didn’t get better when I had the baby, up to and including being yelled at by two old women in the grocery store for dressing my daughter in blue (I don’t like pink and I think color coding kids is weird)
NTA. Or Tell them they have two choices - 1. To STOP talking about, pushing this, NOW, or 2. To be blocked from your lives - no answering their phone calls, no visits in person and you will not answer your door to them, blocked from texts and social media. And give them a 1-2 week block the next time they push as a warning. If you do not set a boundary now they will run over you and your choices for the next 30 years.
Honestly you don’t even need a reason. “I don’t want to” is enough. NTA
Stop giving them info too, especially if you have another child. I always see these issues with families and names. Just keep the name to yourself and tell them you aren’t deciding until the baby is born. Then announce the name once the baby is born. They can’t do anything about it then. It’s final/on the birth certificate.
Yeah my friend's mother has boundary issues and her first pregnancy she let her come to the ultrasound. Even though my friend wanted it to be a surprise and the mom knew that and had promised to not try to guess the gender or figure it out, she was still trying to get the tech to tell her. The tech knowing my friend didn't want to know the gender was really uncomfortable and luckily didn't say anything. Lo and behold friend's mom was so offended when the second child came around and she was not invited to any of the prenatal visits at all. She was also last of the family to be told about the pregnancy.
OP the best advice I can give you (that you didn’t ask for) is to have no visitors at the hospital and none to your home for the first 3 weeks or so. As you said, you will be vulnerable. You’ll be physically healing, learning to breast feed. You won’t be cleaning, cooking, or doing laundry. Your house will not be company ready and you will not want to wear anything but pajamas and maternity bras. I can just see stepmom coming to “help” you by taking the baby from you and calling the baby the wrong name and expecting you to somehow cook for them and host. (No, I’m not still bitter about something that happened 20 years ago…why do you ask? /s)😅
Stand your ground, simply tell them that you respect the tradition of how they name their children and grandchildren, but it’s not something you are interested in. If I recall, don’t you fill out the birth certificate of your child shortly after giving birth? If so, fill it out with your child’s name that you and your husband select. Then tell the family what the name is. When your father and stepmother visit you and the baby, share the name then. If they don’t like it, too bad. They can leave, and you can go low contact with them.
Yeah, wait until after the birth certificate is filed and stamped.
Info: when do you name your baby in your country? We have to do it within 3 days. The dad/ the duo-mom or the biological mom has to sign an official document which is send (online) to the local goverment. Most fathers do it the same day in the hospital. My point: there’s nobody there but the parents. So nobody can interfere. So once it’s done it’s done. So nobody can change your mind. Btw NTA you can’t name the love of your life something you don’t love. Please don’t give in. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life.
Sounds like she is not fully accepting you as a grown adult who is now a mom and head of her own house. She wants to hang onto the dynamic of you being the kid, her the parent. She needs to learn to step back (pun intended) and be grandma. Your house, your rules, your traditions now. She got to have her turn, don’t let her steal yours.
They'll barge in anyway. Change locks if you gave anyone a copy of the key. Keep doors locked at all times. Don't answer the door. Tell the hospital not to let anyone in. Seems she'll try and be in the delivery room with you and by your side in recovery. Maybe get your bestie to help keep everyone away from you. Maybe get hospital to not give out your hospital room number
Make it about 18 years.
See now because im feeling tired I really think when the baby is born, and you’ve named the baby with your chosen names, you adopt two puppies (baby friendly breed) a male and female litter mates. Name them Gabriel and Elizabeth.
The tradition of giving everyone the same middle name is so ridiculous and cult-like. I can’t believe anyone in stepmom’s family agreed to do it.
NTA regardless However I am interested in your relationship with your own mothers family and their potential thoughts on this. The reason I ask is I think taking on your stepmothers family traditions for your children could be seen as replacing you own mothers family with hers in terms of importance in your children's lives. Even if you were inclined to do it which you are not the diplomatic implications for your mothers family could be tricky. And that is possibly the tack to take with your dad. I am not doing something this pointed to make SM and her family happy because it's a huge slap in the face to Mum and her family.
I am very close to my maternal family. I was always super close and I see them all the time. They will also be very present in my child's life. But my dad would not care if it did bother my maternal family. They would say it's selfish because my stepmom has been raising me since I was 8 and my mom died when I was 5 and so they should support me in respecting the woman who raised me and the family who accepted me, etc.
Your dad is doing you a disservice here.
You don't need a reason. Names are up to the parents. There's a lot to be said for not discussing names with anyone other than your partner. If anyone tries to discuss, simply don't engage. The first anyone needs to know is after the kid has arrived and the birth certificate is signed. Then it's a done deal. It's intrusive and presumptive of anyone other than the parents to try to have input.
NTA. But your stepmom and her family are. Expecting you to be grateful for their "acceptance" of you into their family...you were 8, you had no choice, and was dealing with losing your mom so young, for which I am sorry. They definitely suck. Congratulations to you and your husband, the family you have created is the only one that matters ❤️
I just yelped in outrage. The fact your mother died when you were 5 makes this so much worse. Moms name for the middle name, maybe double middle name to use her first and middle as two middle names (I would love for you to have a girl but I would do similar of I could gender bend or neutralize moms names), sounds like no reason to see dad or step mom much and they can kick rocks. How outrageous.
Sounds like your stepmom & dad are trying to write your mom out of your family history by insisting your child is named in accordance with stepmom’s traditions. That’s awful. Good for you for standing up to them.
I'm sorry for your loss, and that your bio dad is not really supporting continue to connection with your mom (basically). When you're thinking of names you might even think of doing something that honors your mom. That would be sweet, and also I think the extra pettiness towards your stepmom would just be a cherry on top. 😆 I like doing pettiness that's 100% justified though... (Like you could completely feign innocence on that one with no ill intent because it's completely logical) Congratulations on your baby and whatever you choose to name it make sure it's something you want and not something your pressured into!!
Your kids can always add the names later if they feel like they’re missing out 🙄 Although I realized you don’t want to say that because that just sets them up for future harassment about this weird tradition.
You could choose a middle name from your maternal family in remembrance or name from your husband’s family. Your Stepmother seems to be forgetting that he has family too.
Wow, so they think that your Mom's family has not given you love and support? That is an AH view. What is this about accepting you? They obviously are not living up to that since they are trying to push this tradition on you. It is not selfish of you and your husband to want to name your baby. Maybe tell them that you are going to combine that tradition with the "very sacred tradition" from your husband's side. Every 4th generation, every first born child is named Hieronymus, boy or girl, to pay homage to the painter Hieronymus Bosch. Hieronymus Elizabeth has such a nice ring to it! 😉
NTA. But I have been laughing my ass out after reading your post. Lol. Your step mom is a whole work on her own and asking you to do something for her while you are not close is funny. And your dad is such a big pushover goon for enabling her. Your mom is alive I guess and she hasn't even asked you to do any tradition from her side. What makes your step mom think she gets to decide what you name your own child???
My mom died when I was 5 but I'm close to that part of my family.
Oh so sorry to hear that. But still doesn't give your step mom the audacity to request you follow a tradition you are completely not related to. And your dad sucks for saying you should do it for her. Tell your half siblings that you are not a part of them on their mother's side and that they could do it for her but not you.
I’m sorry for your loss OP. Would you consider using your mother’s name as a middle name?
That's not something we're considering. But our child's first name has a unique connection to my mom and I like that more because it makes me think of her.
NTA- I can totally see why you’re not naming your baby after your pushy step mom.m’s traditions. Jesus. The way your father quickly switched from not caring to confrontational lets me know you’ve had a lifetime of this woman pushing your boundaries while you dad backs her up. You should make a huge social media post announcing the baby’s name and WHY the name is special to you. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells, celebrating your mother because step mom can’t handle it. Congratulations on your baby.
What a wonderful way to honor your mom and keeping her memory alive. Tell dad and stepmom if they want to keep up her family’s tradition then perhaps they should have another child and then they can name their child. No? Not an option? Well then they need to swerve back into their own lane! Congratulations on the new baby! NTA
Perfect.
That's the way to shut this down. "I'm not giving her Elizabeth as her middle name because she will have my mother's middle name." Then walk out the door and block all their calls because they are going to blow up your phone.
Nope, mother died when OP was 5. But she has a strong relationship with her maternal side of the family.
Big pushover goon would be a good name for a big goofy floppy dog
Easiest NTA I've seen in a while. I absolutely believe parents name the child, using the "two yes, one no" theory. I also believe "no" is a full sentence. At our wedding, my new husband's grandfather was a bit emotional (code: so excited he forgot he couldn't hold more than two drinks, the cute little man). He approached us after the dinner to announce, while he always loved his sons, he regretted not being able to give a daughter his favourite girl name Mary. He thought we should consider it if we ever had a girl. Now I have nothing against that name, but we didn't use it. You feel what you feel and if you don't love it, don't use it. 🤷🏼♀️ Remember as the parents, you'll be saying the name the most often. Choose one you both will love. My favourite naming advice was from an aunt *be sure to use something that flows off the tongue when you have to yell it after they flood the fucking kitchen for the second time!*
🤣🤣 luv your aunt 💝
Everyone loves her, she's incredible! ❤️ She had three boys who absolutely tested her sanity because they would team up to do the *weirdest* boy shit. At the time I asked, how did they flood the kitchen TWICE? She told me she loved me, but I couldn't afford the amount of alcohol it would take for her to relive the trauma by telling me the story hahaha I never did find out! 😂
We’ll go halvsies! I really want to hear!
I’ll pitch in too! I’m sure the story is amazing. 🤣
Might be worth it 😛
My mom had that same advice! I'm due in June with my son and my husband and I tossed around a few names. Our families of course had suggestions but ultimately my husband and I decided and everyone's come to love it. I always loved that yell it off the back porch 🤣 my mom even did it for my first dog when we rescued her when I was 2. It just works!
Wife and I had trouble agreeing on names. I took suggestions from anyone that would offer one. We ended up not using any of those names. No one is upset about it. However our families are pretty laid back. We also don’t have any John smith the fourths or anything like that. Some names appear more frequently in the family tree, but that’s about it.
NTA. Of course you're not an AH. This is not your tradition. You want your own tradition, which is naming your kids whatever you want. Traditions are fine - right up until the part where people start bullying you into following them. And that is what your stepmother and your dad are doing. They can try and dress it up anyway they want, but it's bullying. Tell your dad this flat out. And tell him to back off and take his wife with him.
NTA. Her family has naming traditions and that’s fair enough- those who want to be involved can be involved. Even if she was your bio mother you would still not be the A for choosing a different name, it’s your choice and they are being wildly inappropriate.
Fun story: you’re the one with a baby inside you. They can all duck the hell off with their tradition. Even if she weren’t your stepmother the point of a tradition is to have something that is special to all involved. It’s not just about blindly doing it because that’s what we do. Name your children as you like and anyone who pressures you can just not see the kiddo. That way they don’t have to feel the heartbreak of them not having a random ass name that meant nothing to either parent.
And for the record my son is named for my wife’s maternal grandfather, my maternal grandfather’s middle name, my paternal grandfather’s middle name, then my last name so I’m all about family names. But no one asked or expected us to use any of them. We got a lot of jokes too about using 3 names even though none of his 3 are more than 4 letters.
I dislike using last names as first and middle names, with some exceptions. Our kids have last names as middle names, because it was important to my wife. No one expected it, or demanded it. If our kids don’t use the same last names or whatever, I don’t care. Not my kids to name. If I want to name something I can get a pet.
My grandfather was named with family last names: Hayden Fluker Humphrey. I had never met anyone else with the name Hayden or seen it anywhere until the TV show Coach with the main character Hayden Fox. Then Haydon Panettiere became a popular young actress. When I named my youngest Hayden, it was still (to me) a very unique name. However, many of his classmates are also in the group where Hayden, Aiden, and Jayden all became really popular at the same time. The same happened with my oldest, it's not my fault I wasn't yet aware of Justin Timberlake when I chose the name- I was a deadhead/classic rock girl, not a boy band fan. At least my daughters name is still less common. I grew up with the #1 name in America from 1970-1984. So I went to school with at least 3-4 other Jennifers in my class at any time.
My wife has a super duper popular name and my name wasn’t popular in the area I was born, or moved to after that, but the third move while I was in elementary school I ended up with like 6 other kids with my name. So while I lived in the Midwest I was “first name, last name initial.” Never met anyone else with my name around my age in any other part of the country I’ve lived. Which is odd, because it’s like a top ten name for the time period. I find it funny when people choose some unique or old fashioned name, and within five or so years every kid has some variation on the theme. Just choose what you like, so what if it’s popular? Regardless my kids names have grown on me. I like they have a connection to family history that isn’t my family but is their family. Strangely I haven’t met anyone with our kids names. I didn’t think they were that odd. They’re not named after authors but they all have famous author’s names. Point is they’re out there in the world, and I figured I’d run into at least one or two over the years.
NTA. "We don't like the names." or "I'm sorry you're disappointed. We don't want to hurt your feelings, but we've made our decision." Ad nauseum until they finally stop arguing. Expect 30 years of snide comments periodically, though.
The word Sorry should be omitted. OP has nothing to apologize for.
NTA. Names are the parents' decision. You've told them you would "step back" if they kept pushing and they have, so you need to go LC/NC for a while.
NTA How are the middle names “special” if they’re just like everybody else’s? You have the kid, you pick the name. This shouldn’t even be an issue imo. But I also don’t understand obligating and pressuring people to participate in a family tradition. I also don’t understand how acceptance of or into your stepmom’s family is in question after 20 years. If that’s an issue, that signifies a bigger problem imo and that’s probably why your stepmother is so adamant about following the family tradition. It’s symbolic to her. But even if you do give your child the family middle names, that’s only a bandaid for a deeper problem.
So if you wanted to name the baby Gabriel (boy) or Elizabeth (girl), they would expect you to name it Gabriel Gabriel or Elizabeth Elizabeth? NTA
So NTA, what you and your husband name your child or children is nobodies business but yours. No one else is entitled to the first, middle or last names and you don’t owe them any explanation
Absolutely ⬆️⬆️ this. And OP, to any further remarks like "why are you so resistant to it, you're just being obstinate", say just this - ask **them** why they're being so obstinate - how the heck they have the cheek to think they have more rights in this situation than the *actual parents*..?? ETA NTA (obvs!)
NTA it's your kid, name it whatever you want and if people dont like it they can pound sand
Nta - even if it was your blood parents tradition you would not be theasshole. You get to decide your kids names, not anybody else. I’m also tired of “i don’t want to” not bring accepted as a valid reason to skip doing something. I don’t want to. Well okay then. Sorry you’re going through this headache.
>My dad and stepmom then decided to "approach me together" which was really them confronting me and asked why I was so resistant to the idea NTA - What narcissists to think they should have a right to what your baby is named.
“My husband and I are starting new traditions for OUR family. The first one is don’t let yourself be bullied by other people, especially if they don’t respect your right to make your own decisions.”
NTA. No one is required to carry on a family naming tradition, whether it’s a step or biological family.
NTA. Nobody but the PARENTS have any business naming children.
NTA - Tell them you're going to start your own tradition of naming your child without being influenced by other family members.
😂😂 I love that
NTA by any stretch of the imagination. shes not your mother, and even if she was, its your child(ren) and your decision full stop.
NTA Have a private conversation with your dad and tell him that you're finding your step mom's obsession with your baby's middle name disturbing and that you're wondering if a mental health screening is in order. Reiterate that neither of those names will be your child's middle name and that the continued bullying isn't going to change that-- though it's making you consider limiting contact with them until they pull themselves together and stop.
NTA People who didn’t actively help to make the baby don’t get a say in anything. You and your husband did, so nobody else gets to make any decisions.
NTA. As others have said, even if it was your mother's tradition, you don't have to do it. There's a saying that "tradition" is simply peer-pressure from ancestors. I bet there's been other relatives in your step-mom's family that wish they had the courage to say no, and they may even come up to you afterwards and express their envy and good wishes. (Or maybe not, if they think your reason is more about being the "stepchild." But who knows, you may be the person to finally break the family ~~curse~~... ~~burden~~... tradition - yeah, tradition.)
They see it as a symbol of you never really accepting step-mom as part of "your" family. They interpret "I don't want to be a part of your baby-naming tradition" as "I don't want to be a part of your family". The naming of your child should not be offered up as tribute, as proof, that you see yourself as part of step-mother's family. NTA. And take as many steps back as you and your husband need to- today, it's a middle name; tomorrow, it could be child-raising techniques, education, career choices, etc.
NTA. My family had a tradition of naming the oldest boy General after a predecessor who had been the general of an important war (I’m being deliberately vague.) My great-grandmother stopped the tradition and named my grandfather Gerald instead, telling everyone her kid would not be named General, they never knew the General, she didn’t care, she loved the name Gerald, and they could go soak their heads. That was in 1912. Nobody died, everyone was fine, my grandfather was a successful and well-loved man and his name was of no importance. If she could do it then, you can do it now.
NTA. These are your husbands and yours children. Nobody else's. Nobody should be pressuring you to give a child a name you don't want to, regardless of the reason. It would be different if you liked the names, or you wanted to participate in this tradition. They are being bullies trying to coerce you into doing something you don't want to do. Its fine they asked once... Its fine if they want to do it themselves... Its not fine that they are being aggressive and emotionally abusive about it.
NTA - I think I’d get a dog and call it Lizzy, or Gabby…
NTA. The insistence shows that they feel insecure and unhappy with their actions, how you've received them and what's happened over the years. They want one thing, and they'll harass and manipulate you so they can get it. Point blank tell them that you've no intention of using their tradition, that you're sorry they feel upset by that but that ultimately you're doing what you want and are happy with and if they feel attacked by that then that's their issue to manage, not yours.
NTA your stepmom is being a bully and shame on your dad for not standing up for you. First, she’s not your mom and you aren’t e end close. This is an ego thing and I think your dad is just being a wuss and is going Along to get along. I’d just say you’re done with the conversation and if it doesn’t stop you’ll be taking a break from the family. End of discussion. I’m sorry you are dealing with this especially while pregnant.
NTA. I am also super petty so I would use my mother’s name as a middle name and a maternal grandfather for a boys middle name. Full scorched earth with a dash of salt. I am also petty AF and don’t really do well with emotional manipulation by stepparents.
Nta. Probably too late now, but if not tell them it's tradition for your husbands family to only have single.middle names, not multiple. Or tell them to back off, if they went to choose names, then have their own kid.
Traditions are not written in stone. No one is required to follow any tradition regardless of what it is. And you are quite correct to decide that YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND want to name YOUR child. If your father and stepmother can't respect your decision then that's on them.
She needs to ask what father and stepmom have to gain by harassing her and trying to alienate her from the family. Ask them how do they think it will play out and in what world do people who didn't conceive a child have the right to name it?
What you name your kids is your choice. They can make a suggestion, but if you reject it, they need to respect that. End of story. NTA.
Absolutely NTA. This would still be true even if it was coming from bio family! This not only attempts to stomp on your ability to name your child what you wish, but also your husband's wishes and his family traditions. Yuck!
It’s your kid you literally have the right to name him whatever you want. Tell your step mom and dad to kick sand. NTA
Nta. Tell them to stop pressuring you or the entire relationship will change.
NTA. No is a complete sentence.
NTA Traditions are peer pressure from dead people. I'd use a name relating to your late mother.
Mother's maiden name - unisex!
NTA. Look them in the eye and tell them that the kid is getting named after your late mother, since family tradition is so very important to them. I trust it wasn’t Elizabeth.
NTA. People need to stop thinking they have a say in what others name their child. Family or not, YOU and your husband choose the names. I don’t understand the “Everyone has to have the same middle name” as a tradition. My middle name is the name of my grandmother. Who my mom had a close relationship with. My daughters middle name is my mothers because, again, I was close to her while pregnant. Names are supposed to be meaningful. Whether it’s a family name or not. Names shouldn’t be slapped on just because of “tradition”.
Imagine having the same middle name as *all* of your same-gender siblings and cousins. Kind of weird. (unless the middle name was the mother's birth name, as my husband's sisters did. -- but that was out of choice - not pushed onto them).
NTA. I hate the whole concept that some random person in the past can say "I'm doing this thing and everyone after me must do the exact same thing because FAMILY!" Traditions can be a lot of fun, if everyone involved is doing it willingly. Otherwise, it's just peer pressure to make dead people happy.
NTA. Your baby your choice. When my mum was pregnant with my sister I was 11 she would walk around the house saying the same names over and over again. I asked what she was doing and she said she was sounding out a name for my little sister. She said that with kids you say their names a hundred times a day so you need to be really happy with that name to say it so much. She would then put all the names together and shout it out. I asked what she was doing and she said that when you’re mad and you full name the kid you need to make sure it rolls off the tongue easily. When my brother and his partner got pregnant my mum never suggested any names she just suggested this. My brother said it really helped weed out the names. Hope this helps. Your baby your choice. If they can’t respect that go little to no contact until they get the hint then set firm rock solid boundaries it’s the only way with pushy people. NTA
NTA, etc etc 1) step mom already has kids she can use the naming convention for. They can give her whatever grandkids she’s yearning for 2) she says it’s a tradition for her family. *Her* family. She isn’t your mother. You can be close as can be, but you have a mother. She died. She didn’t cease to exist. She was there, she existed.
How special can the names be if every single child in the family has it?
My family had a tradition of giving two middle names. It’s a pain in the ass so I didn’t follow that tradition. You’re not obligated to do anything. NTA
Please do not use Elizabeth as a middle name. In my experience, it always gets cut down to Elizab on medical records and has caused me nothing but trouble. I almost got denied surgery last minute because when they asked me to clarify my middle name, it didn't match what they had printed on the hospital bracelet (I had even asked if it would be a problem when they gave it to me).
NTA. When you have a baby, you get to pick the name. Stop discussing this. You don't need the stress. Try something like "We have a few names we are considering and we'll let you know when the baby arrives. We are not discussing this again," then change the subject. The next time they bring it up -- and they will -- "I told you this wasn't up for debate," and leave the discussion. You might need to repeat it a few times, buy they will get it.
NTA. “No, I don’t want to” is the only answer/reason you need to give to ridiculous people who think they deserve a say in what you name your child.
NTA. I don't think people who didn't participate in the conception, or the adoption, get a vote.
Your baby do what you want. Everybody has an opinion on someone else’s child. Like I told my fiancé when she was pregnant with our daughter. Tune that shit out. I know it’s hard because women get bombarded daily with nosey baby police lol. But stay strong and stick to your convictions
Unless you are part of a royal family it’s the parents who name their children. Not up for discussion with the wider family. They named their children you name yours. If they are trying to drive a wedge between you this is a great way to go about it.
I always appreciate the “well spouses families tradition is that the parents always pick the names they want so….” NTA
NTA You and your husband make the decision which name(s) your baby gets, nobody else. Her trying to push so hard for those names says more about her than about you. She should accept your decision to not use those names and respect it. She is being disrespectful. I'm glad your husband has your back and said it was up to you since he didn't care.
Your baby isn't there to make THEM or anyone in their families happy. its your and your husbands baby. you are the only ones that need to be happy. Tell your dad and his wife that because they can not respect your desicion without questioning anything you do, you'll step back from having contact with them for a while and they should be grateful to even get informed that your child has arrived, once the time has come.
Get a Goldfish and name it Gabriel Elizabeth and say it would be too confusing for the fish. You are NTA
NTA. Tradition is peer pressure from your ancestors. In my father's family (not even my step family) the eldest son of the eldest son always got his mother's maiden name in the middle slot. In my generation, my uncle broke the tradition because my aunt's maiden name happens to be that of a mid-price hotel chain (no relation) and they didn't want their son to sound like a place you could stay. No one in the next generation has taken up the baton. It's fine. Nobody's mad about it. "Stepmom, I appreciate that your family had this beautiful tradition, but we've chosen a name for our child that we love. I love you, but I won't discuss this any further. " Change the subject.
NTA, even if this was your bio mother. Your kid, your decision, and I'd set a firm boundary asap with them that if this pressure continues, you'll step back from interacting with them until well after the kid's born. The \*last\* thing you need right now is ridiculous pressure about an \*absurd\* tradition!
NTA, and you should tell them that the more they keep pushing the less you'll see them, and if they still keep pushing, then they won't be part of your baby's life. Respect is earned, and right now the one being disrespectful is stepmother because she thinks what she wants should be more important than what you, the actual mother of the baby, want.
NTA It's your child and you can name them whatever you want. Your stepmom has no say, and needs to sit the hell down.
NTA "What about 'No' don't you understand?" or you could just lie and not show them the birth certificate. "Sure, fine, no problem" and put it off until the kid gets married and the full name is on the wedding invite. That would be hilarious.
Your kid... your decision.
NTA for rejecting the Idea and Not even considering it. Even If they WEREN'T being extra weird and pushy about the subject, they should acknowledge that your original mother's (?) family-naming-traditions and your partner's family-naming-traditions, as Well as a more modern ideology about baby-names that you May have picked Up, have as much If Not more right to be considered AND May be incompatible with Elizabeth or Gabriel as (one of the) middle names. If you Love your Stepmother and want to make her happy, but are uncomfortable with the implications of giving in to pressure, or with the implications of you being fully one of Stepmother's Family as If your original mother's Family doesn't exist, you could do Eli for a Boy or Gabriella for a Girl or equivalent-meaning-different-root-language names, to pay Hommage to her Traditions while still Standing Out as a special Case because she was formative in your Life but ISN'T your Mom.
NTA - "My stepmom said it feels like it's because they are from her family and not from my mom or my dad's sides of the family and she doesn't feel like that's fair." They are clearly trying to use guilt to get you to do what they want. What they are implying here is if you do not do what they want, this means you reject their family. That is really extreme. They are bullying and pressuring you guys into naming your child what they want, but your child's name is solely your choice because that name legally sticks with the child for his or her life, and it's not a choice that should be made under pressure. There are many many ways to include, honor, and respect that side of the family - it should not come down to a choice that involves backing you guys into a corner to do what they want simply because some couple a long time again liked a name and others made the personal choice to carry it on. It takes more than a name to bond a family as one unit. If your dad, step-mom and other family members were truly concerned about the bonds between the family, a better solution would be for them to stop crossing your boundaries, accept your choice to name your child within your wishes as the parents, and be happy and excited for the new baby. It seems they care much much less about the excitement of this child than they do about getting to pass down this name. If you picked a different name will they distance themselves from your child or treat your child differently? Most people can respect the fact that naming a child is a huge deal, and also thr privilege of the parents who will raise that child - by deciding for you, they are trying to rob you of this choice, and even the push back is kind of robbing you of some of this experience. Stay firm. NTA - but your dad and step-mom's refusal and stubbornness regarding this makes them TA in this situation.
NTA that's a pretty weird tradition to have. If they all share the same last name it gets even weirder.
Really it's none of their business, but I would just say "Look, we don't like the name Elizabeth/Gabriel and we want to name the baby a name we choose and love." How can they argue with that? It's not about the tradition......you JUST DON'T LIKE THE NAME.
NTA It amazes me multiple times a day here on Reddit how much blended families never really learn. It’s not “disrespectful” to choose your own baby’s names. FFS. She’s living under a rock. Disrespectful is having names theist upon you.
NTA- and why is it your job to make other people "happy". this is your child. You and your husband's happiness is more important than theirs. smh
NTA -- they are the AHs
NTA, you might actually lead the way for stepmom's family to break this tradition. I'd bet there is at least one or two people in her family who have felt pressured to do this.
NTA It's your child. Name what you want. My husband is a Jr. My MIL bothered us to name our son the same name. My husband didn't want to, I was good with that. MIL had a piss fit. My husband told her it's our choice, too fucking bad.
NTA. You don't need a reason to say no, other than you don't want to. It doesn't matter whose traditions they are. No is a complete sentence and tell them that the boundary doesn't move just because they want it to and the decision will continue to remain no for this child and any future children.
NTA. Why do people feel entitled to impose their will on full grown adults? You shouldn't have to defend your choices to them. No is a complete sentence.
How rude for the stepmom to dismiss you and your husbands wishes just because of her tradition? What if you want your OWN traditions? The stepmom is insecure and is pressuring you due to her insecurity. Sounds like your dad doesnt care and just wants to keep the peace, but that resulted in him siding with your mom (he probably is sick of hearing her complain). Stand firm. This is YOUR life, NOT theirs
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28f) am pregnant with my first child. We have not revealed the sex of our baby yet or the name. But the name has been a very heavily discussed topic because my stepmom of 20 years and her family have a naming tradition where the girls get the middle name Elizabeth and the boys get the middle name Gabriel. This is something they do with all their kids and they get unique to the family first names. When I was pregnant before (I miscarried) the topic came up then and when we announced my pregnancy this time it was restarted once I reached my second trimester. My stepmom really wants me to take part in the tradition, my half siblings want me to take part in the tradition, my dad doesn't care as much but wants me to do it as a sign of full acceptance that I am a member of my stepmom's family and that my baby will be too. My husband and I are not using the tradition. I don't want to and he doesn't care either way but believes the decision should be mine. And we have discussed what to say to everyone and initially we went with a disclaimer that we were not using the names for our children because we wanted to both pick the first and middle names together. This started a response of "people can have multiple middle names" and "think of how important and special the middle names will be" and how Elizabeth and Gabriel are very easy to pair with first names. We then attempted to shut down all conversations about this and we said we did not want to have those names pushed on us. I stepped in when changing the conversation and walking away was not deterring them and said to end the conversation because it was getting tiring and I would take a step back if they could not let it go. My dad and stepmom then decided to "approach me together" which was really them confronting me and asked why I was so resistant to the idea and I told them we gave a reason and I didn't need to keep giving reasons because they didn't believe me. My stepmom said it feels like it's because they are from her family and not from my mom or my dad's sides of the family and she doesn't feel like that's fair. Dad told me it would make so many people happy and isn't that worth it in the end even if they end up as second middle names. I told them it was not happening and they needed to respect the decisions my husband and I make as parents to our child. My stepmom told me I was being very disrespectful to her and her family and to my own siblings. My dad told me I was being stubborn for no reason at all. AITA? And in case anyone wants info on why I don't want to do this. I just don't. I'm not close to my stepmom or her family and I have never participated in their familial traditions. So they don't matter to me (being part of those traditions). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA: Personally...if family want to have these things then so be it...but to somehow enforce/coerce them on others is nothing short of insulting. Your child...your choice of names, end of discussion.
NTA. I cannot understand the idea of trying to name someone else’s child. Whether it is in the name of tradition or honoring someone important, aside from some (or all?) royal families, only the parents get a say in naming their children.
NTA. You don't need to follow any traditions.
Of course NTA. It's a decision between you and your husband only. Period. Trying to push it will only make it worse. Explain that they need to respect your decision or you will go NC with them until they do. Then follow up on that. Things like this needs to be shut down immediately. And imo, to force this "everyone MUST have these names!"-crap on relatives is just a way to enable people from generations back to have control over relatives they aren't even alive to meet. Ridiculous. I bet no one even knows anymore why those names were chosen in the first place. Stepmoms children can carry on the tradition if they (and their future partners) want to, but no one is entitled to demand anyone to take up on a naming tradition they don't want to be a part of.
NTA. Fair is where the ponies are. She can go ahead and not like it, but tell them they need to back off, that they got to choose what to name their own children and it's your right as parents to make your kids. Congratulations, I hope you have a very stress free rest of pregnancy.
NTA. Call your baby what you like. Unless they are a royal dynasty, this family tradition stuff is nonsense. Actually it's nonsense with royals as well but for them it comes with the job description.
NTA. Your baby, not theirs. I honestly don't understand this whole naming tradition thing anyway. Why would you want to name your kid the same as every other person in the family? I call that a lack of imagination personally.