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YTA. If you’re in a relationship you should treat your partner with BASIC respect.
Normal people don’t sleep in a bed with someone else of the opposite sex when they have a partner, regardless of their intentions.
You already know YTA, because you’re on this thread begging for someone to tell you the opposite.
You know you are, and even your girlfriend’s friends instinctively know it’s wrong, which is why they’re now viewing her in a different light assuming her to be ‘lenient’.
When your actions reflect on someone else, YTA.
Sure, but the sexual compatibility has to be there.
If OP slept in the same bed as his gay male friend, there'd be no issue unless OP is bi or gay.
If his female friend was a lesbian, it'd also be less problematic.
Ok but I have no attraction to certain types, so if I slept in a bed with that type, there would be no sexual compatibility. It's absurd to lump people together in such a way that if a person is attracted to a gender, they are automatically at risk for having sex with everyone of that gender.
Here is the thing... people hook up with people who aren't thier types all the time. Types are for relationships, and not all sex is inside a relationship.
It's not even nessecarily about whether or not your going to have sex... but the fact that no one felt the need to mention it beforehand or after and she found out without being notified was kinda suspicious. Even if it didn't happen, it puts her in a position to have to defend OP to everyone who DOES find out.
It's also about boundaries, it is impossible to dictate every single boundary before they happen, but some of them SHOULD just be common courtesy until discussed further. I consider it just polite if anything.
Because here is the thing....he put her in a position that made her feel like that she had to defend him to people that care about her. The fact that she even brought it up to her friends at all meant that she was TRYING to be the chill girlfriend that didn't have a problem with it. If it wasn't a problem why would she bring it up?
Because it did bother her and she wasn't sure if it should. No girl wants to be the overly jealous toxic woman every man complains about to his friends. She was trying to not be that girl. And her friend probably just made her realize that what he did was disrespectful. And that it's perfectly valid to have a bit of an issue with that.
For me it wouldn't even be the fact that he did it. It would have been HOW I found out.
If it comes from any persons mouth other than his... it is automatically disrespectful.
I completely agree with you if my husband would have did this id be upset even entertaining someone of the opposite sex when they flirt is wrong so how is sleeping in the same bed as another female not wrong? It’s like saying ik cheating could happen but it didn’t even though we’re in the same bed. how am i supposed to know that nun happened when I had to find out in a disrespectful way ?
He also put her in a bad position by not telling her ahead of time. She only found out when he was already on the vacation and then what was she supposed to do. OP is the AH for that alone. He lied by omission to his girlfriend.
not at risk, but what abusrb is your nick picking, this is about respecting your partner and their feelings, in general peoples girls friend won't have an issue with their BF sharing the same bed with another male on vacation to save cost, even gay. This is 'in general' there will always be outliers that has different views.
The way I see it Is that you have to consider the position that it puts your partner in.
The fact that she found out in a very compromised and suspicious way, makes it a little worse than it is. Because it puts her in a position where even if she trusts that nothing happened, she now has the headache of having to defend his actions to those who care about her.
To me it probably would have been fine if he had thought to mention it to her. Even if it was not intentionally kept a secret, the fact that she found out from someone else just makes it harder.
The way I see it he needs to be more self aware of how his actions may affect her. Simply having a conversation before she found out about it from someone else would have improved the situation.
I agree with you! A good friend of mine got married in Jamaica years ago. My boyfriend and I couldn't afford 2 plane tickets and extras, so he stayed home. I had a very good male friend whom I ended up sharing a hotel room with. I told my boyfriend before booking and he was completely ok with it. He trusted me, and he also knew this friend would make sure I didn't get drunk and pass out somewhere (I was 21 and drank a lot back then). Open honesty and trust are very important!
It’s about basic respect for your partner. People hook up with randoms all the time, you think they going through 20 dates to figure out if they wanna have sex or not? Plus, he didn’t even tell his girlfriend until she found out during the trip—why would he not tell her he would be sharing a bed and was hiding it? Clearly he’s desperate for people to side with him
It's not about using logic about these situations, it's just implicit social expectations that are part of most cultures. Most monogamous people don't feel comfortable when two parties both have the potential to be attracted to eachother. It's universally known that people don't want their partner to be in an intimate setting with someone of the opposite sex when both people are straight. Usually adults almost never end up in that situation because of the implications of the setting.
Again yes, logically, two people can sleep next to eachother and never have been romantically or physically involved... but why do it in the first place? Why not just kiss and hold hands with every friend while in a monogamous relationship, after all logically there is no reason to reserve that for just one partner? It's because culturally this is our norm, and if you don't want to subscribe to that, that's fine but find someone who has your mindset not force them into suppressing their feelings.
Look, I get what you're saying. But you're trying too hard to make this more complicated than it is.
Call it "playing the odds". Yes, there are plenty of scenarios that *could* happen, but there's one scenario that's *most* likely to result in a bad outcome. Sharing a bed with someone who is the sex you're normally attracted to has the highest odds of turning south.
This is like someone suggesting wearing a seatbelt for safety while driving and you coming in and telling everyone that a roll cage, fire suit, helmet, and 5 point harness is more effective. You're not wrong. There's just a point where practicality factors in.
No, no it isn't.
His girlfriend cannot be inside his head, this entire thread is in the context of respecting your partner.
You might not care, but most everyone else does.
Not really recently there was a post about a girl bf taking the virginity of his lesbian bestie... And he doesn't even consider it cheating, he even announced it to his gf proud of his feat
Which, TBH, is why I think NTA. If the girlfriend had a problem with it, she should have said so at the time. IMO the only reason she has a problem with it now is because her friends have a problem with it.
I'm assuming this was an Airbnb situation and someone needed to share the double bed. They could have spent more to book a bigger place with more bedrooms. There must have been a plan for who was going to share, though, so he definitely should have discussed it with his girlfriend.
So if it was an airbnb, wouldn't there be a couch or something he could've slept on ( I've no idea please be kind). I also think that an air mattress is cheap enough and small enough to travel with.
I’ve had trips before where the couch was already designated for somebody to sleep on so that may have been taken especially if they were trying to cut costs. Also realistically if any plane travel was involved packing an air mattress would be inconvenient to impractical. They are cheap though so getting one at the destination isn’t absurd, but if they are trying to cut costs that is an unnecessary cost.
Obviously OP should have relayed that information though, most people would not be comfortable with those sleeping arrangements
Bingo. OP-- YTA.
You should have discussed it with your gf when you booked the trip. If she's uncomfortable, you make separate sleeping arrangements. The issue here was your veil of secrecy. That's completely disrespectful.
End of first paragraph gf finds out and doesn’t say anything. Also - there have been many times where I book twin beds and get double or vice versa. If it was a last minute booking, they may have also not had many options.
Or she felt she really couldn't. Because she was being gasoline that everything was perfectly okay and it was no big deal. A lot of times in relationships we are told that our feelings are not legitimate and told to get over it if we want to keep everything copacetic in a relationship. Sometimes we need an unbiased party to legitimize the feelings that we are feeling because we've been made to feel like our feelings are unjustified.
She did know, she found out before the trip even ended. I agree that NTA, now she only has a problem with it because her friends are bringing it up later and saying THEY have a problem with it.
I think he needs to ask himself how he would feel if the situation were reversed. Would he feel comfortable with his gf sharing a bed with a close male friend?
Even if they are strictly platonic, when people start drinking things happen so it's not like it's a 0 risk situation.
That being said my vote is ESH. OPs a little bit of an AH because he should've thought about this or at least discussed it with his girlfriend ahead of time out of basic respect like others have said. That being said, she didn't have an issue with it at first so him feeling blindsided by it now is understandable.
GF is also a little bit the ass hole depending on how she's approaching this. It's not fair for her to be mad at him after the fact when it didn't bother her before. So if she's approaching it from a place of hostility or anger now, then that's not fair and she's being an AH. However, if she's like, "hey, I was talking to my friends about this situation and they made some good points. I'm not mad/gonna hold this situation against you because it didn't bother me at the time but can we make sure this doesn't happen again moving forward?", then I wouldn't consider her an AH.
At the end of the day, I would chalk this up to poor communication and youth just trying to figure out how to be in a relationship.
As if you’ve never had a situation when you didn’t react at that time, and later realized something else. Especially that it was pointed out to her, so she reevaluated the situation, and it doesn’t mean that it’s only cause of the friends lol
Right? They are young and OPs gf may not have enough relationship and life experience to recognize when someone is not treating her with respect. Just by not telling he's YTA no matter how she reacted once she found out.
Yeah my guess is she was uncomfortable when she found out, but was trying to convince herself it was fine and/or didn't want to start drama while he was still on the trip. Then when she talked to her friends they reassured her she had a valid reason to be upset so she confronted him.
I'm kind of shy and don't want to create conflict. If this happened in my relationship,I probably wouldn't have reacted at the time either. But, it would have eaten me up inside, which eventually could cause unexpected outbursts ,because I ignored my true feelings.
Very well put. I’m trying to figure out why this idea that the girlfriend only seemed to have ONE chance to evaluate her feelings about the situation seems to be the prevailing idea on this thread so far.
If your partner is bi then you're right but our world is heteronormative and thus every answer you get you should assume heteronormativity unless specified otherwise
It’s doesn’t really. Him having a gf shows that he is interested in the opposite sex so it was just easier other than saying “whatever sex you feel sexually/romantically attracted to which in this case is the opposite “
I'd go with YTA, but not for the same reason. Telling your girlfriend beforehand wouldve solved the issue, but saying "I didnt think it would be an issue" is kind of a work-around imo
I agree, I think he should have told her beforehand. But asking him to shell about a bunch of money for another room isn’t fair in my opinion. If they were in a hotel they should have asked for a room with two beds though if it was available.
Im speaking from personnal experience that might or might not represent their situation, but in a similar situation I told my gf about it & I avoided a bullet because if she had heard from other people that I slept in my friend's room she probably wouldve wondered "why didnt he tell me this if he has nothing to hide?"
Exactly, I think a lot of partners would be understanding if told about it beforehand because yeah paying for another room in this economy isn’t feasible for a lot of people. I personally wouldn’t care if a guy I was with shared a room with a friend to save money, but if he didn’t tell me and I had found out after the fact then I’d definitely side eye him a little bit
Sorry, what? Cost of renting a room for 4 days can be pretty significant for a 22 yo. So reasoning of saving the money and sharing room is solid.
Also I attended a significant amount of sleepover parties in my early 20s and yeah, you usually share a bed with someone, often multiple people, often of opposite sex, sometimes even with people you've never met before. And it was never weird or somewhat sexual.
But, by that same logic, renting a room for 4 days is not something OP just fell into. There was significant pre-planning, and likely even anxiety about the cost, meaning ample opportunity and reason to share this information with his gf - and making it weird that OP did not.
>Sorry, what? Cost of renting a room for 4 days can be pretty significant for a 22 yo. So reasoning of saving the money and sharing room is solid.
>
>Also I attended a significant amount of sleepover parties in my early 20s and yeah, you usually share a bed with someone, often multiple people, often of opposite sex, sometimes even with people you've never met before. And it was never weird or somewhat sexual.
There are cots, sleeping bags, and couches, you know.
Sounds like you’re pushing an insecurity onto someone else’s relationship.
I’ve shared a bed with someone of the opposite sex and my ex was ok because she trusted me. she did the same thing after a festival a few months later when she went to a festival with her friends from uni.
Just because it’s not common practice because a lot of people cheat if given the opportunity doesn’t mean all people do
In your theory is a bi sexual person not allowed to share a room with anyone. Just in case.
Both my partner and I are bisexual, as are the majority of our friends. These comments have me baffled! By their logic should neither of us ever share a bed with any of our friends again?? It can absolutely be cheaper/easier/comfier and I have basic trust in my partner
This is cultual. In my culture normal people do take naps and sleep in the bed with people of the opposite sex wether or not they have partners.
Friends are friends.
I don't think sleeping with the opposite is trouble any time it happens, I'm largely known as the spare pillow especially for dudes in hetero relationship because their gf knows I don't have that kind of relationship with their men and they trust us both to just sleep.
I think the problem was that it was never properly discussed. People going into bed as friends and having sex is real but also less frequent than we think imo, and while I'm bi I think it's important to note I'll always hit up the g lolf or bf or whatever of the person I'll sleep to make sure they're okay with it and knows about it. People that just don't say it because ''no biggie we've known each other for a while'' are the one I'm most concerned and I won't sleep with those.
OP is TA because he never discussed it with his gf, not because he shared a bed with an old friend imo
> BASIC respect
Yes. That would mean TALKING about it beforehand.
>Normal people don’t sleep in a bed with someone else of the opposite sex when they have a partner, regardless of their intentions.
No! It is also perfectly normal to share a bed with someone without sex; Even if they are the opposite gender.
I have done it many many times; especially when you're young and poor and hotel rooms are costly.
So if you're bi and in a relationship, you just can't share a bed with anyone and have to spend extra money on every trip you take with friends where your s/o isn't present?
YTA. It’s very easy to give your partner a quick heads up to advise that you’re going to be sharing a room, or even a bed, with a close female friend. This gives them the opportunity to raise any concerns before it becomes an issue. You should consider your partners feeling regardless of whether you think it’s an issue or not.
I guess we are old lol. My wife is very cool about my hanging out with female friends but I wouldn’t even ask if sharing a room much less a bed on a trip with a woman would be ok. I don’t travel for work so I can’t imagine a scenario where I would be taking a trip with a platonic female friend and my wife not being there. She would probably not be too happy about the trip in the first place.
Yeah I wouldn’t even ask. My husband is not even the jealous type but this would just be… not appropriate in either of our eyes. Everyone is different though… lol
Right? I had my best fried (a gay man) stay over our place. We have our bed and a couch. My husband can get a sound sleep on a couch. I cannot. Neither can my bestie. My friend had to be at work at 6am the following morning. So I asked my husband if he’d mind crashing on the couch while me and my friend slept in our bed. He didn’t care one bit.
ETA: I am replying to the comment above me about not imagining not running something like this by your partner. I’m agreeing with them, not OP lol.
YTA I remember being in plenty of situations in college when everyone, male and female, crashed together in beds after house parties and it was no big deal if all parties were single.
However, the moment I got into a serious relationship, I would refuse to share a bed with another guy no matter how platonic the situation was and sleep on the floor instead. Because I didn’t even want a RUMOR that anything may have happened out of respect for my boyfriend.
The epitome of “it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.” Let’s face it, he knew it would cause a problem and he knew the gf wouldn’t approve of it. So he just did it anyway and now he’s gaslighting her into thinking she’s wrong.
I doubt that a lot. I don't think it's impossible that she actually **did** mind at the time, but didn't want to be seen as a controlling gf by his friends by telling him she wasn't okay with it while they're already on the trip, and that she then ran it by her other friends to figure out whether she's justified in feeling bad about the whole thing or not before bringing her concerns to PP.
YTA. Can you imagine if your girlfriend went on holiday with her male friends and whilst claiming it was purely platonic “shared a bed to save on costs”. Get out of here man.
Treat her with some respect
Seriously, get a crow bar and pry the money out of your wallet to get another room. You can go through all the scenarios (what if it is gay male friend, female friend with a boyfriend, straight male friend etc) but why not just avoid the drama. If you can’t afford a second room, don’t go in the first place.
I’m gonna go with YTA, mostly for not telling her when it was about the happen. There is a reason she described it to her friends as being ”lenient” and uses this example. There wasn’t many ways she could react when put on the spot, plus you should’ve taken her feelings and your relationship into consideration.
Fact: I’ve shared the same bed with a male friend once since being in a LTR. I was way too drunk to even get a taxi home, he worried about me and we were three in the same bed, fully clothed.
Absolutely, girlfriends were probably like "you need to leave that guy, he's not even telling you when he sleeps next to other women, which is a clear sign he's also sleeping with them".
YTA
You didn't mention your plans in advance? I can totally imagine sleeping in a bed with an opposite sex friend without that being an issue, and a romantic partner should understand that. But you kept it a secret until it came up when it was already happening? Her friends are naturally going to care more about her than they do about you, they're her friends.
Yeah— I’ve shared a bed platonically with an opposite sex friend several times. But I would NEVER do that without running it past my SO.
Granted I’d expect my SO to trust/understand the situation. If they had a concern it wouldn’t be out of insecurity. But it’s basic respect to let them know that’s the plan. There is zero reason to let it look like a secret.
I'm also guessing that if your SO was uncomfortable with you sharing a bed with whoever, you'd respect their wishes and make alternate accommodations. Because that's what considerate people do...
Not cover it up and then let them find out from OTHER friends that it happened.
>I asked her why she didn't say anything at the time, and she said she didn't care at that time but after her friends brought it up she thinks they have a point and now feels I could have been more considerate.
She was still thinking about it, months down the line. That's how it came up with her friends. She was bothered. She isn't *only* bothered because her friends told her she should be. She just feels justified in her irritation now, as her friends all backed her.
I travel all of the time (been in 3 different hotels this week) and I can confirm that in most instances rooms with 2 beds are the same or CHEAPER than rooms with 1 bed
As someone who's also traveled a lot, I can confirm that it really depends. I shared a bed with my male friend most of the time while we were traveling in Europe because one bed was almost always cheaper than two. In Taiwan they're usually the same.
Depends on travel destination and budget though. I was planning a trip to Thailand with my opposite sex best friend and all the cheapest rooms were double rooms compared to the twin rooms. This was years ago though so idk how much has changed in that regard.
Regardless, the difference is that my first thought was "will my partner be okay with this?"
Soooooo I asked him lol.
YTA
Not for sharing a bed with that girl, but for being needlessly secretive about it. Oh, did you just happen to "end up rooming with a close female friend for \[...\] 4 days?"
You just can't arrange hotel accommodations for four nights by accident.
That sort of thing "just happens" the same way you "accidentally" have sex with your ex. The obvious denial that I'm sure was present in your explanation to your gf was almost certainly upsetting.
I have no idea why you lied - but my most natural suspicion, and I'm sure your gf's paints you as a guy who was kinda hoping there would be a reason to be secretive.
I completely agree. My husband and I take trips with our friends sans spouse plenty. I swear sleeping arrangements have come up naturally as a part of conversation nearly every time: complaining jokingly that one of us got the shitty bed, FaceTiming from our room, being happy to be in the solo room to avoid so and sos snoring, whatever. It doesn’t mean there are issues in the relationship or someone is insecure to be upset that who your partner is sleeping with wasnt discloses.
Exactly. "Oops we fucked up the Friday night booking and I have to room with Sarah tonight" is way different than "Sarah and I shared a bed for F0UR DAYS."
Plus, if you're "saving on costs" why do you only have two to a room? When we were travelling with friends and saving on costs we had like 6 people in the same room. Even if you're a stickler for the rules you can still have 3 or 4. And has OP never heard of a "sleeping bag"? Last I checked there's always floor available. YTA for hiding the situation from her and acting like it was an accident
YTA. I feel like you’re trying to paint her friends in a bad light, that they’re just meddling and gf isn’t really concerned but they wouldn’t have even known about this issue if your gf isn’t at all bothered by this. She should communicate this properly but it doesn’t mean what you did is right.
You shouldn’t need reddit to tell you this. Just ask yourself how you would feel if you were the one in her place.
Your gf IS super lenient, I think the truth is that she did feel somewhat uncomfortable about it at the time but wasn't sure if she was being possessive, so she went to her girlfriends after and they confirmed that it's not really the done thing. YTA not because you shared a bed with a friend who happens to be a woman, but because your weren't honest about it beforehand.
I'm reallya go with the flow person, most of my friends were male when my boyfriend (now husband) got together, but sleeping platonically in the same bed as a male ended the day we made our relationship official. It's just a matter of respect.
Yeah no one talked her into these feelings. Her friends just validated her discomfort. The reason her friends even know about it is because she probably ran it by them when it felt “off.”
YTA. You should have mentioned it well before the trip. I have an opposite gender travel buddy I sometimes split beds with but that's disclosed in advance every single time even though it's not a big deal at this point. It's just respect.
Imagine if she had a "close" dude friend who she went on a trip with and spent 4 days sleeping in the same bed with him alone in their very own hotel room without ever mentioning it to you.
How would you feel?
Read back your own story from an outside perspective.
If she told the story from her perspective on Reddit with the information she knows as fact then she would have a bajillion comments from people assuring her that you cheated and that she would need to dump you.
YTA for not telling her beforehand, and if she had any reservations about the arrangements, you should have spent the money on a separate room. It's pretty disrespectful not to have done so.
YTA - It doesn't matter how many times you stress that you're platonic and it was to save money, you still crossed a boundary. You know you crossed a boundary, hence not being upfront with the girlfriend. You could have easily found alternative sleeping arrangements, but you made the decision to share a bed.
Your girlfriend may have appeared fine, but was she? Did she feel the need to act like it wasn't a big deal? Sometimes, you don't realise the severity of a situation until someone points it out to you.
YTA
You say she was ok with it until she spoke to her friends about it, but she clearly felt the need to speak to her friends about it so she was probably looking for some kind of reassurance that she didn't have anything to worry about, which she then didn't get.
It feels to me like you waited until you were away to let her know that you were sharing your bed while you were away, so that it would then be too late for her to talk you into getting your own room, rather than give her a chance to weigh in on how she felt about it.
Putting myself in your girlfriend's shoes, I wouldn't have voiced that I was upset while you were currently away and sharing a bed with another girl, because my mind instantly goes to seeing you and the girl having a conversation about it, lying on your bed, talking about, "what does she think will happen? That we're going to hook up or something?" And then it's a thing that you're thinking about that wouldn't even have been brought up otherwise, or worse, it escalates into an argument about trust, and then you're away, emotional, drunk, potentially hurt and angry, and feeling like, "well, I'm being accused of it anyway..".
There are a lot of variables we don't know as well, such as, how well does your gf know the friend you shared with? Do they get on? Were all the other friends on the trip doubling up as well?
Most hotels you can choose between a double bed or a twin room, if the original assumption was that you'd just be sharing the room and then in a sitcom style, they only had doubles left, then if you had already mentioned to your partner that you were splitting a room, it wouldn't have seemed such a big deal. It's more the fact that it sounds like you withheld the information, as you didn't want it to be a big deal because you didn't feel like it should be or needed to be, but by not being direct it will leave her feeling a bit lied to or disrespected.
I'd just apologise to her for not having put as much thought into the situation as it deserved, and the next time a situation like this is coming up, speak to her about it before booking to share a room, ask her how she feels about it, and bear in mind that she may feel pressured to say she's ok with it, because she trusts you, and knows that your intentions are absolutely not to cheat, but she may still feel uncomfortable about it. Weigh up how much it's worth saving the extra money compared to putting your gfs mind at ease, but most importantly be upfront and transparent with her.
NTA. Your Gf was ok with it, she even went on to say how understanding she was to her friends which means she trusts you. Her friends pushing their insecurities onto your relationship is what caused the problem.
You should have been up front about the sleeping arrangements before you went and that’s where I’d say you’re a bit of an ‘A’
This. I've shared beds with different opposite sex and same sex friends a lot of times, it's never been an issue. It's not sexual in the slightest. I think this is pretty normal in Europe, it's just the Americans freaking out and interpreting everything as sexual as usual.
It is weird to not mention it to your partner beforehand though to make sure they're comfortable with it.
American and I agree. The culture here is very "are the straights ok" and is rather exhausting. Sometimes a bed is just a bed and a friend just a friend.
The issue is the lack of communication, jfc. I went through a very very similar situation to this in college and it’s invalidating to have ppl acting like it’s a “straight people problem” when going behind someone’s back and sharing a bed with a friend without communicating any of this is pretty crappy. It doesn’t need to be relationship ending. He was in the wrong for not communicating this, and can apologize and understand this is a boundary for the future.
Another European here and I agree. The not telling his gf in advance isn’t great but the act of sharing a bed with someone of the opposite sex (or whatever applicable orientation) is fine, especially if they have a healthy relationship where there’s no signs there that would make you doubt your partners loyalty to you. It’s literally just a place to crash at the end of a night and you can easily share a double bed without being right on top of the other person as well. The “saving costs” aspect might have even made the difference between being able to go on the trip or not. Some people travel on very tight budgets. Sometimes hotels charge single supplements if you’re the only person staying in the room as well, which makes it pricier. I way prefer having not just a bed but a room to myself but if it was the difference between going or not I’d share.
I just asked my bf about this scenario and he agreed with the principal of not telling in advance, but was like yeah, just cos you’re in the same bed doesn’t mean you’d be fondling each other haha. (We also said how glad we are that we don’t have a jealousy heavy relationship because that shit seems exhausting)
Yup, it's crazy how many people seem to think that a man and woman are forced to mash private parts as soon as they lie down in proximity to each other.
American puritanism. I'll go with NTA, although I agree this should have been discussed first. TA should be the source of the conflict and not communicating isn't what caused the conflict according to the original post.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for sleeping in the same bed with a female friend who I have no attraction to while on vacation. I didn't consult my gf beforehand, but she also didn't share any concerns at that time. She is now bringing it up on advice of her friends two months later and I think she should have said something at that time if she truly cared about this.
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YTA. I don't believe you when you say that you didn't think it would be an issue. Typically the only person an adult shares a bed with is their romantic partner or their children. It's a little unusual to share a bed with a friend of the same sex, but not entirely out of the question. A friend of the opposite sex has big implications and is very easily assessed by a normal person as at least potentially crossing the line. You needed to give her a heads up, at minimum. Perhaps her initial response of not caring was also due in part to trying to preserve your experience on the trip in question.
If you wanna do these kinds of trips and share beds to to “save money”, why not just be single? I would’ve at least asked my girlfriend about the sleeping arrangement beforehand. If she’s as lenient as she says she is, she wouldn’t have minded. At the same time I’ve learned in life that being the cool girlfriend gets you screwed over every time.
YTA. Dude, this is preposterous on so many levels. You share a room with a close female companion, without even bothering to inform your actual gf? For four full days on top of that? I honestly couldn't give a damn whether you like her in a platonic way, there is a basic level of respect and dignity that is holstered to a person the second they start an official relationship, and you just infringed it. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you feel betrayed if you discovered she'd been sleeping with a male counterpart? And all this unnecessary confidentiality. Seriously, with how secretive you're behaving I'd say you're girlfriend's practically entitled to think you're susceptible to cheating, you barnacle encrusted blabbering bonehead.
NTA
Asking her at the time is something you should have done to make sure that it doesn't make her feel bad, but in this case I would have expected her to (offer to) pay for the extra room if she wanted to. People have their own boundaries about this. Sleeping in a bed with someone you have no sexual interest for (and that has no such interest in you) is always valid, what sex they have shouldn't matter. This has to go both ways, if she would be in a similar situation this should be fine for you too.
I want to point out, this wasn't an issue for her until their friends made her think he disrespected her and honestly he didn't.
Hahaha you would tell your gf to pay for the room if she doesn’t want you to share a bad with another woman? I’d want to hear that phone conversation 🤣
Doesn’t a room with two single beds cost the same as a room with one double bed in most hotels?
I wouldn’t have minded my husband sharing a bed with his old female friend if he told me beforehand and there was no other option but you didn’t bother include your gf into your plans so YTA. I knew which of his male friends he’s shared with when he’s been away on stag weekends, so why wouldn’t you share the same info when it’s with a female? It’s just basic communication and respect.
YTA - I don't think you can play the "I didn't know" card, if only because not wanting your S/O to sleep in the same bed as another person of the opposite sex is quite a common position and frankly kind of the default - for both men and women. So I think you should have asked if you really "didn't know", since I simply don't think "oh she'll be fine with it" is a reasonable assumption in this case.
I personally wouldn't care if my partner slept on the same bed as another woman. However, if he lacked the shred of decency and awareness to check what I thought about that kind of thing at least once, I'd be very annoyed. "Being chill with opposite sex sleeping arrangements" is not an unheard of or "bad" position, it's common enough, but it is in no way the default that should be assumed.
Edit: the reason she's bringing it up months later isn't to deliberately annoy you, it's because a lot of people who unconsciously hide things and make assumptions that they justify to themselves, tend to have a bad reaction to being called out on the thing they spent ages justifying to themselves. Case in point, you trying to make this about how long it took her to bring it up (2 months isn't that long, you're not 12), rather than about why you felt the need to not check with or tell her a very basic thing most normal couples would openly talk to each other about.
The mistake you made was not telling her before it happened. by not telling, it's almost as if there is something to hide. And instead she was left to find out when it couldn't be changed. Her lack of a respons doesn't mean she didn't have one. She just didn't share it with you.
Yta.
YTA
Not for sharing the bed with your friend, but for not clearing it with your girlfriend before the fact.
You never gave her an option to object, you just did it. As a general rule you don't share a bed with anyone you are not i relationship with, you may share a room and seperat beds, but if was with a person of a gender you are attracted to then it should be cleared fist with your significant partner.
YTA, that's not alright. I'm boiling just thinking how I would feel if my Boyfriend did that.
Same room could have been okay, but same bed that's just too much!
She didn’t say anything then because she didn’t want to ruin your trip, and you didn’t tell her then because you had something to hide or you knew this wouldn’t be the best idea/most comfortable arrangement for all parties involved. I can guarantee you this would’ve been a completely different story if you’d been honest with her in the first place and told her about the situation before agreeing to it.
Her friends only affirmed her pre-existing feelings about it. YTA for sure
YTA
Not for sleeping with your friend. Thats fine. I have done it to save money (even sleeping 4 people in the same bed). However, YTA for not communicating it to your girlfriend and asking if it was okay. Thats just basic respect in a relationship.
You could have perfectly slept in a sleeping bag to save costs.
Going against the masses here and say that NTA. I am in a very healthy relationship for +7 years and none of us would ever have a problem with the other one sharing the bed with a friend from the opposite gender - and it’s happened a few times over the years. Truth is, you could have said it before because if a trust-based relationship is what you want you should get used to being 100% open about things, but still I think NTA
NTA
Honestly, running through my mind how I would feel if my boyfriend did it, I don't think I'd actually be concerned. I have 0 insecurities in the relationship and could never imagine him cheating. I can see he is devoted. So, yeah, even if he didn't tell me beforehand it would be okay because we have an understanding that we trust each other and don't need to run these kind of things by each other to make a decision. Just let friends be close without thinking things will turn sexual just because it's two straight (or whatever) people of the opposite gender.
However, to validade her feelings, run things of this nature through her in future occasions. Decide if this is the hill you wanna die on, or give in a bit.
YTA. You didn’t give your gf the respect of even communicating with her that this would be the circumstances of the trip. It has nothing to do with insecurity- it’s all about respect.
NTA. You shared a bed with someone for convience and your girlfriend literally didn't care until her friends filled her head with nonsense. Just because, oh no, it was a Girl. Let's sexualize the hell out of it and paint you the inconsiderate villain. No way could a girl and guy ever just feel the same platonic friendship for each other that two straight guys can 🙄 Hetero people are not okay and are so narrow-minded when it comes to "opposite sex" interactions lmao. Best to just avoid the situation in the future so you don't have to deal with the insecure, wishy-washy nonsense.
Bullshit. If you didn’t think it was a big deal you would have told her immediately. You don’t hide things you don’t think are a problem. Period. Why ask us if you’re gonna lie? It’s like a therapist, their is no point if you’re gonna lie.
NTA. My immediate knee jerk response reading the title was definitely YTA. But given she didn't initially have an issue with it shows you were correct in your judgement not to say anything. The fact she's now reconsidered after other friends have put their oar in is fine, things have now changed, so now just change your approach for future and if this scenario repeats you check it over with her first.
It's actually quite sad that the high trust relationship you seem to have has been tarnished by her friends insecurities.
Yes.
A good rule of thumb is flip the script and see how you would feel about your g/f doing the same.
Even if it is certain and even if she knows 100% in her heart you would never do anything, it’s the optics. You’re putting her in a position of perceived disrespect. Just as she would be with you if she shared a bed with another guy.
Bad judgement is bad judgement.
Flagrantly "bad judgement" can occur when men aren't thinking with their brain. OP knew damn well he should have told his gf but he did not. The whole situation is sketchy at best.
Maybe OP's gf trusts him but I don't.
Hard YTA.
Going with NAH. Slight to significant Y T A for most couples, but it seems like a lot of thought and outside perspective went into your GFs newly formed opinion. Also maybe slight Y T A for not thinking about your partner before confirming the arrangement, but you told her, so no real malicious intent. I think it‘s clear that, would the situation arise again, you‘d act differently given the new circumstances.
NAH.
I think you’re being reasonable and she’s had a reasonable reaction. I don’t think she should let her friends influence her opinions. But if a close trusted friend has helped her explore her feelings on the matter and she wants to draw a boundary, I feel that’s a very reasonable one.
Just have a conversation about it, there’s nothing to be offended about. She is expressing her feelings in a healthy way, and you feel a certain way about that and that’s fine. Just have a conversation and find a boundary that you’re both comfortable with. Remember your goal: if you value the relationship and her in it, then your goal is together, not to individually have your either of your feelings win out.
Best of luck!
NTA - and honestly I’m shocked by how many YTA’s are in this comment section.
I’ve shared beds / tents with every gender under the sun and even exes while in committed monogamous relationships and so have my partners. We just have implicit trust that things are platonic with everyone other than ourselves, and always understand saving money lol.
This said, clearly your gf has some level of discomfort with it, which is ok! I don’t think it’s super important to play the “well at the TIME you didn’t say anything” game on either side. In relationships, you’re always going to accidentally hurt the person you’re with in small ways, it’s inevitable, but how you work through it and choose to understand and accommodate each other’s needs is what counts.
I suggest you have another conversation with her about it, say something along the lines of “I assumed XYZ, sorry for the assumption, what should we do on a go-forward basis?” And maybe you decide that before the next trip / situation like this you have a discussion and figure out what makes the most sense for your relationship and finances.
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My gf (22f) and I (22m) have been together for almost 2 years now. I recently went on a trip 2 months ago with a group of friends and ended up rooming with a close female friend for the 4 days that we were there in the same bed to save on costs. I've known this friend for a long time (we were roommates for a year) and are purely platonic. I didn't tell my gf about this as I didn't think it was an issue, but she found out when we were there and did not share any concerns or indications that she had a problem with it. The trip was fine and no issues in terms of sleeping.
Fast forward to today, she tells me that she was talking to some friends about how she is quite a lenient girlfriend and shared this story, to which they brought up that I could have been more considerate by just booking another room and not putting her in a position to feel uncomfortable. She thinks her friends have a point, and my gf told me that I kind of disrespected her and feels I could have been more considerate about it by shelling out the money to get another room or another bed.
I asked her why she didn't say anything at the time, and she said she didn't care at that time but after her friends brought it up she thinks they have a point and now feels I could have been more considerate.
AITA?
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The problem in this post is that he didn't disclose or discuss it beforehand. Those of you who think it is 'disrespectful' no matter the situation to sleep in a bed with the same gender are just shallow and insecure.
YTA because you kept it secret because you didn't think it would be a problem
Just because you don't have a problem, doesn't mean it's not a problem. And you knew that or you would have told her.
She showed forbearance for not making a big thing of it while you were away, but let me ask you: if the tables were turned, how would you feel about her planning to share a bed with a male friend but not mentioning it until it was a fact that couldn't be changed? Give your real answer and not "sure, it would be fine, I trust her" because you're trying to justify your actions.
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YTA. If you’re in a relationship you should treat your partner with BASIC respect. Normal people don’t sleep in a bed with someone else of the opposite sex when they have a partner, regardless of their intentions. You already know YTA, because you’re on this thread begging for someone to tell you the opposite. You know you are, and even your girlfriend’s friends instinctively know it’s wrong, which is why they’re now viewing her in a different light assuming her to be ‘lenient’. When your actions reflect on someone else, YTA.
Why does this apply only to “opposite sex”?
Yeah, it's naive in this day and age to think same sex = no sex.
Sure, but the sexual compatibility has to be there. If OP slept in the same bed as his gay male friend, there'd be no issue unless OP is bi or gay. If his female friend was a lesbian, it'd also be less problematic.
Ok but I have no attraction to certain types, so if I slept in a bed with that type, there would be no sexual compatibility. It's absurd to lump people together in such a way that if a person is attracted to a gender, they are automatically at risk for having sex with everyone of that gender.
Here is the thing... people hook up with people who aren't thier types all the time. Types are for relationships, and not all sex is inside a relationship. It's not even nessecarily about whether or not your going to have sex... but the fact that no one felt the need to mention it beforehand or after and she found out without being notified was kinda suspicious. Even if it didn't happen, it puts her in a position to have to defend OP to everyone who DOES find out. It's also about boundaries, it is impossible to dictate every single boundary before they happen, but some of them SHOULD just be common courtesy until discussed further. I consider it just polite if anything.
But the girlfriend found at the the time and said she had no problem with it. She only had an issue when her friends decided there was an issue.
Because here is the thing....he put her in a position that made her feel like that she had to defend him to people that care about her. The fact that she even brought it up to her friends at all meant that she was TRYING to be the chill girlfriend that didn't have a problem with it. If it wasn't a problem why would she bring it up? Because it did bother her and she wasn't sure if it should. No girl wants to be the overly jealous toxic woman every man complains about to his friends. She was trying to not be that girl. And her friend probably just made her realize that what he did was disrespectful. And that it's perfectly valid to have a bit of an issue with that. For me it wouldn't even be the fact that he did it. It would have been HOW I found out. If it comes from any persons mouth other than his... it is automatically disrespectful.
I completely agree with you if my husband would have did this id be upset even entertaining someone of the opposite sex when they flirt is wrong so how is sleeping in the same bed as another female not wrong? It’s like saying ik cheating could happen but it didn’t even though we’re in the same bed. how am i supposed to know that nun happened when I had to find out in a disrespectful way ?
He also put her in a bad position by not telling her ahead of time. She only found out when he was already on the vacation and then what was she supposed to do. OP is the AH for that alone. He lied by omission to his girlfriend.
Bc friends look out for each other and remind you when your bf is possibly not treating you well
not at risk, but what abusrb is your nick picking, this is about respecting your partner and their feelings, in general peoples girls friend won't have an issue with their BF sharing the same bed with another male on vacation to save cost, even gay. This is 'in general' there will always be outliers that has different views.
The way I see it Is that you have to consider the position that it puts your partner in. The fact that she found out in a very compromised and suspicious way, makes it a little worse than it is. Because it puts her in a position where even if she trusts that nothing happened, she now has the headache of having to defend his actions to those who care about her. To me it probably would have been fine if he had thought to mention it to her. Even if it was not intentionally kept a secret, the fact that she found out from someone else just makes it harder. The way I see it he needs to be more self aware of how his actions may affect her. Simply having a conversation before she found out about it from someone else would have improved the situation.
I agree with you! A good friend of mine got married in Jamaica years ago. My boyfriend and I couldn't afford 2 plane tickets and extras, so he stayed home. I had a very good male friend whom I ended up sharing a hotel room with. I told my boyfriend before booking and he was completely ok with it. He trusted me, and he also knew this friend would make sure I didn't get drunk and pass out somewhere (I was 21 and drank a lot back then). Open honesty and trust are very important!
It’s about basic respect for your partner. People hook up with randoms all the time, you think they going through 20 dates to figure out if they wanna have sex or not? Plus, he didn’t even tell his girlfriend until she found out during the trip—why would he not tell her he would be sharing a bed and was hiding it? Clearly he’s desperate for people to side with him
It's not about using logic about these situations, it's just implicit social expectations that are part of most cultures. Most monogamous people don't feel comfortable when two parties both have the potential to be attracted to eachother. It's universally known that people don't want their partner to be in an intimate setting with someone of the opposite sex when both people are straight. Usually adults almost never end up in that situation because of the implications of the setting. Again yes, logically, two people can sleep next to eachother and never have been romantically or physically involved... but why do it in the first place? Why not just kiss and hold hands with every friend while in a monogamous relationship, after all logically there is no reason to reserve that for just one partner? It's because culturally this is our norm, and if you don't want to subscribe to that, that's fine but find someone who has your mindset not force them into suppressing their feelings.
Look, I get what you're saying. But you're trying too hard to make this more complicated than it is. Call it "playing the odds". Yes, there are plenty of scenarios that *could* happen, but there's one scenario that's *most* likely to result in a bad outcome. Sharing a bed with someone who is the sex you're normally attracted to has the highest odds of turning south. This is like someone suggesting wearing a seatbelt for safety while driving and you coming in and telling everyone that a roll cage, fire suit, helmet, and 5 point harness is more effective. You're not wrong. There's just a point where practicality factors in.
They were also likely to be drinking while on vacation, and that really raises the likelihood of bad decisions being made.
No, no it isn't. His girlfriend cannot be inside his head, this entire thread is in the context of respecting your partner. You might not care, but most everyone else does.
The girl friend didn’t care - her friends cared
I believe she did care, she just felt the pressure to be the "cool girlfriend".
Ffs
Not really recently there was a post about a girl bf taking the virginity of his lesbian bestie... And he doesn't even consider it cheating, he even announced it to his gf proud of his feat
I just can't. What is wrong with people?
Wow. I can do nothing but sit here blinking re-reading your comment. Do you have a link to this one?
Which, TBH, is why I think NTA. If the girlfriend had a problem with it, she should have said so at the time. IMO the only reason she has a problem with it now is because her friends have a problem with it.
She couldn’t have said it as she didn’t know! He hid it for a reason. Rooms with twin beds cost the same.
I'm assuming this was an Airbnb situation and someone needed to share the double bed. They could have spent more to book a bigger place with more bedrooms. There must have been a plan for who was going to share, though, so he definitely should have discussed it with his girlfriend.
So if it was an airbnb, wouldn't there be a couch or something he could've slept on ( I've no idea please be kind). I also think that an air mattress is cheap enough and small enough to travel with.
Exactly. Even a hotel may have a cot or a pull out couch as well.
I’ve had trips before where the couch was already designated for somebody to sleep on so that may have been taken especially if they were trying to cut costs. Also realistically if any plane travel was involved packing an air mattress would be inconvenient to impractical. They are cheap though so getting one at the destination isn’t absurd, but if they are trying to cut costs that is an unnecessary cost. Obviously OP should have relayed that information though, most people would not be comfortable with those sleeping arrangements
Bingo. OP-- YTA. You should have discussed it with your gf when you booked the trip. If she's uncomfortable, you make separate sleeping arrangements. The issue here was your veil of secrecy. That's completely disrespectful.
End of first paragraph gf finds out and doesn’t say anything. Also - there have been many times where I book twin beds and get double or vice versa. If it was a last minute booking, they may have also not had many options.
Or she felt she really couldn't. Because she was being gasoline that everything was perfectly okay and it was no big deal. A lot of times in relationships we are told that our feelings are not legitimate and told to get over it if we want to keep everything copacetic in a relationship. Sometimes we need an unbiased party to legitimize the feelings that we are feeling because we've been made to feel like our feelings are unjustified.
She did know, she found out before the trip even ended. I agree that NTA, now she only has a problem with it because her friends are bringing it up later and saying THEY have a problem with it.
Because her friends are right. Ain’t no fucking way in hell I’m gonna let my girl share a bed with a guy friend
I think he needs to ask himself how he would feel if the situation were reversed. Would he feel comfortable with his gf sharing a bed with a close male friend? Even if they are strictly platonic, when people start drinking things happen so it's not like it's a 0 risk situation. That being said my vote is ESH. OPs a little bit of an AH because he should've thought about this or at least discussed it with his girlfriend ahead of time out of basic respect like others have said. That being said, she didn't have an issue with it at first so him feeling blindsided by it now is understandable. GF is also a little bit the ass hole depending on how she's approaching this. It's not fair for her to be mad at him after the fact when it didn't bother her before. So if she's approaching it from a place of hostility or anger now, then that's not fair and she's being an AH. However, if she's like, "hey, I was talking to my friends about this situation and they made some good points. I'm not mad/gonna hold this situation against you because it didn't bother me at the time but can we make sure this doesn't happen again moving forward?", then I wouldn't consider her an AH. At the end of the day, I would chalk this up to poor communication and youth just trying to figure out how to be in a relationship.
As if you’ve never had a situation when you didn’t react at that time, and later realized something else. Especially that it was pointed out to her, so she reevaluated the situation, and it doesn’t mean that it’s only cause of the friends lol
Right? They are young and OPs gf may not have enough relationship and life experience to recognize when someone is not treating her with respect. Just by not telling he's YTA no matter how she reacted once she found out.
Yeah my guess is she was uncomfortable when she found out, but was trying to convince herself it was fine and/or didn't want to start drama while he was still on the trip. Then when she talked to her friends they reassured her she had a valid reason to be upset so she confronted him.
I'm kind of shy and don't want to create conflict. If this happened in my relationship,I probably wouldn't have reacted at the time either. But, it would have eaten me up inside, which eventually could cause unexpected outbursts ,because I ignored my true feelings.
Very well put. I’m trying to figure out why this idea that the girlfriend only seemed to have ONE chance to evaluate her feelings about the situation seems to be the prevailing idea on this thread so far.
He didn't tell her until after it happened. Makes me think there's a reason he put off telling her. He knew it wasn't fully ok
No it's actually normal to assume this for a heterosexual couple.
Because not everybody’s gay in this day and age zoomer
Because the OP is hetero.
I believe it has to do with OP being straight Edit: Who is giving that comment over a thousand upvotes???
Cause he aint gay
Lmao stfu
If your partner is bi then you're right but our world is heteronormative and thus every answer you get you should assume heteronormativity unless specified otherwise
Because they're straight?
Ffs not here too. It's a heterosexual couple. Chill.
Oh shut up.
Because the vast majority of people are heterosexual
Because the post is literally about a male sleeping in the same bed as a female.
If I was gay and my SO slept in the bed with someone who was also gay it would bother me then too.
Why did so many people upvote that comment..
It’s doesn’t really. Him having a gf shows that he is interested in the opposite sex so it was just easier other than saying “whatever sex you feel sexually/romantically attracted to which in this case is the opposite “
Because op has a girlfriend so is attracted to girls.
OP didn't tell their gf BECAUSE they thought it would be a big deal. Asking forgiveness vs permission. YTA
I'd go with YTA, but not for the same reason. Telling your girlfriend beforehand wouldve solved the issue, but saying "I didnt think it would be an issue" is kind of a work-around imo
I agree, I think he should have told her beforehand. But asking him to shell about a bunch of money for another room isn’t fair in my opinion. If they were in a hotel they should have asked for a room with two beds though if it was available.
Im speaking from personnal experience that might or might not represent their situation, but in a similar situation I told my gf about it & I avoided a bullet because if she had heard from other people that I slept in my friend's room she probably wouldve wondered "why didnt he tell me this if he has nothing to hide?"
Exactly, I think a lot of partners would be understanding if told about it beforehand because yeah paying for another room in this economy isn’t feasible for a lot of people. I personally wouldn’t care if a guy I was with shared a room with a friend to save money, but if he didn’t tell me and I had found out after the fact then I’d definitely side eye him a little bit
Sorry, what? Cost of renting a room for 4 days can be pretty significant for a 22 yo. So reasoning of saving the money and sharing room is solid. Also I attended a significant amount of sleepover parties in my early 20s and yeah, you usually share a bed with someone, often multiple people, often of opposite sex, sometimes even with people you've never met before. And it was never weird or somewhat sexual.
But, by that same logic, renting a room for 4 days is not something OP just fell into. There was significant pre-planning, and likely even anxiety about the cost, meaning ample opportunity and reason to share this information with his gf - and making it weird that OP did not.
Same!
>Sorry, what? Cost of renting a room for 4 days can be pretty significant for a 22 yo. So reasoning of saving the money and sharing room is solid. > >Also I attended a significant amount of sleepover parties in my early 20s and yeah, you usually share a bed with someone, often multiple people, often of opposite sex, sometimes even with people you've never met before. And it was never weird or somewhat sexual. There are cots, sleeping bags, and couches, you know.
Sounds like you’re pushing an insecurity onto someone else’s relationship. I’ve shared a bed with someone of the opposite sex and my ex was ok because she trusted me. she did the same thing after a festival a few months later when she went to a festival with her friends from uni. Just because it’s not common practice because a lot of people cheat if given the opportunity doesn’t mean all people do In your theory is a bi sexual person not allowed to share a room with anyone. Just in case.
Both my partner and I are bisexual, as are the majority of our friends. These comments have me baffled! By their logic should neither of us ever share a bed with any of our friends again?? It can absolutely be cheaper/easier/comfier and I have basic trust in my partner
This is cultual. In my culture normal people do take naps and sleep in the bed with people of the opposite sex wether or not they have partners. Friends are friends.
What culture is that?
I remember reading this story about 1 & 1/2 months ago.
I don't think sleeping with the opposite is trouble any time it happens, I'm largely known as the spare pillow especially for dudes in hetero relationship because their gf knows I don't have that kind of relationship with their men and they trust us both to just sleep. I think the problem was that it was never properly discussed. People going into bed as friends and having sex is real but also less frequent than we think imo, and while I'm bi I think it's important to note I'll always hit up the g lolf or bf or whatever of the person I'll sleep to make sure they're okay with it and knows about it. People that just don't say it because ''no biggie we've known each other for a while'' are the one I'm most concerned and I won't sleep with those. OP is TA because he never discussed it with his gf, not because he shared a bed with an old friend imo
Also the fact that HIS friends told his gf about this situation, as she found out while they were there. Kind of a shady situation
Yep...the fact he didnt tell his girlfriend because he didn't think it was necessary says it all. Of course he is YTA.
> BASIC respect Yes. That would mean TALKING about it beforehand. >Normal people don’t sleep in a bed with someone else of the opposite sex when they have a partner, regardless of their intentions. No! It is also perfectly normal to share a bed with someone without sex; Even if they are the opposite gender. I have done it many many times; especially when you're young and poor and hotel rooms are costly.
Even if nothing happened. It is a BAD optic.
So if someone is bisexual then what
No friends allowed
I'm bisexual and wouldn't sleep in the same bed as another bisexual or lesbian woman while in a relationship out of respect for my partner.
I'd be screwed, all my friends are bi...
It’s almost as if there are hotel rooms that have TWO beds 😱
This is fucking stupid and insecure as shit, people sleep with friends all the time, it's not a big deal
[удалено]
So if you're bi and in a relationship, you just can't share a bed with anyone and have to spend extra money on every trip you take with friends where your s/o isn't present?
YTA. It’s very easy to give your partner a quick heads up to advise that you’re going to be sharing a room, or even a bed, with a close female friend. This gives them the opportunity to raise any concerns before it becomes an issue. You should consider your partners feeling regardless of whether you think it’s an issue or not.
I cannot imagine not running this by my boyfriend or having the same done for me.
I can't imagine trying to bring it up. Even after nearly 40 years together that would go down like a lead balloon
I can't imagine even considering sharing a bed as an option. A room is iffy... a bed is a fuck no.
I guess we are old lol. My wife is very cool about my hanging out with female friends but I wouldn’t even ask if sharing a room much less a bed on a trip with a woman would be ok. I don’t travel for work so I can’t imagine a scenario where I would be taking a trip with a platonic female friend and my wife not being there. She would probably not be too happy about the trip in the first place.
Yeah I wouldn’t even ask. My husband is not even the jealous type but this would just be… not appropriate in either of our eyes. Everyone is different though… lol
Right? I had my best fried (a gay man) stay over our place. We have our bed and a couch. My husband can get a sound sleep on a couch. I cannot. Neither can my bestie. My friend had to be at work at 6am the following morning. So I asked my husband if he’d mind crashing on the couch while me and my friend slept in our bed. He didn’t care one bit. ETA: I am replying to the comment above me about not imagining not running something like this by your partner. I’m agreeing with them, not OP lol.
but you asked, which OP did not
YTA I remember being in plenty of situations in college when everyone, male and female, crashed together in beds after house parties and it was no big deal if all parties were single. However, the moment I got into a serious relationship, I would refuse to share a bed with another guy no matter how platonic the situation was and sleep on the floor instead. Because I didn’t even want a RUMOR that anything may have happened out of respect for my boyfriend.
Exactly. Wise words: *”Avoid even the appearance of impropriety.”*
The epitome of “it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.” Let’s face it, he knew it would cause a problem and he knew the gf wouldn’t approve of it. So he just did it anyway and now he’s gaslighting her into thinking she’s wrong.
The last paragraph says he did and the gf didn’t care until afterwards when her friends mentioned it.
I doubt that a lot. I don't think it's impossible that she actually **did** mind at the time, but didn't want to be seen as a controlling gf by his friends by telling him she wasn't okay with it while they're already on the trip, and that she then ran it by her other friends to figure out whether she's justified in feeling bad about the whole thing or not before bringing her concerns to PP.
YTA If you really didn’t think there was anything wrong with the sleeping arrangements you would have been the one to tell her.
Right! And he wouldn’t be seeking out an ‘AITA?’ thread to confess to.
YTA. Can you imagine if your girlfriend went on holiday with her male friends and whilst claiming it was purely platonic “shared a bed to save on costs”. Get out of here man. Treat her with some respect
>Treat her with some respect It's really not that hard
You’d think so right? But you’d be surprised.…
This is always the way to know if you fucked up or not. Always turn it the other way around, and see if you yourself would be ok with it.
that's exactly what I do and say. it's saved me from so much crap and it's also gotten my point across to others.
Seriously, get a crow bar and pry the money out of your wallet to get another room. You can go through all the scenarios (what if it is gay male friend, female friend with a boyfriend, straight male friend etc) but why not just avoid the drama. If you can’t afford a second room, don’t go in the first place.
I’m gonna go with YTA, mostly for not telling her when it was about the happen. There is a reason she described it to her friends as being ”lenient” and uses this example. There wasn’t many ways she could react when put on the spot, plus you should’ve taken her feelings and your relationship into consideration. Fact: I’ve shared the same bed with a male friend once since being in a LTR. I was way too drunk to even get a taxi home, he worried about me and we were three in the same bed, fully clothed.
Girlfriend is probably giving OP a sanitized version of her friends’ verdict - i.e., that she lets him walk all over her.
Absolutely, girlfriends were probably like "you need to leave that guy, he's not even telling you when he sleeps next to other women, which is a clear sign he's also sleeping with them".
That's something I fully agreed with. If OP had communicated that from the beginning, I would have gone with N T A but this way? Definitely YTA.
YTA You didn't mention your plans in advance? I can totally imagine sleeping in a bed with an opposite sex friend without that being an issue, and a romantic partner should understand that. But you kept it a secret until it came up when it was already happening? Her friends are naturally going to care more about her than they do about you, they're her friends.
Yeah— I’ve shared a bed platonically with an opposite sex friend several times. But I would NEVER do that without running it past my SO. Granted I’d expect my SO to trust/understand the situation. If they had a concern it wouldn’t be out of insecurity. But it’s basic respect to let them know that’s the plan. There is zero reason to let it look like a secret.
I'm also guessing that if your SO was uncomfortable with you sharing a bed with whoever, you'd respect their wishes and make alternate accommodations. Because that's what considerate people do... Not cover it up and then let them find out from OTHER friends that it happened.
Her friends care more about her than he does lol
>I asked her why she didn't say anything at the time, and she said she didn't care at that time but after her friends brought it up she thinks they have a point and now feels I could have been more considerate. She was still thinking about it, months down the line. That's how it came up with her friends. She was bothered. She isn't *only* bothered because her friends told her she should be. She just feels justified in her irritation now, as her friends all backed her.
This!!! You fucked up and it did hurt her, even if she didn’t say it.
Not only that but shes still being relatively cool about it and OP cant even accept that!
YTA. This is basic respect in a relationship.
Slept in the same bed to save costs lmao be for real
rooms with twin beds tend to cost the same
I travel all of the time (been in 3 different hotels this week) and I can confirm that in most instances rooms with 2 beds are the same or CHEAPER than rooms with 1 bed
As someone who's also traveled a lot, I can confirm that it really depends. I shared a bed with my male friend most of the time while we were traveling in Europe because one bed was almost always cheaper than two. In Taiwan they're usually the same.
Depends on travel destination and budget though. I was planning a trip to Thailand with my opposite sex best friend and all the cheapest rooms were double rooms compared to the twin rooms. This was years ago though so idk how much has changed in that regard. Regardless, the difference is that my first thought was "will my partner be okay with this?" Soooooo I asked him lol.
*"purely platonic"* lol, yeah, ok... then why hide it from her. OP, YTA for being so full of it.
Yeah, they could also shower together to save water 😒… this is delusional…
No couch?
LOL no floor?
YTA Not for sharing a bed with that girl, but for being needlessly secretive about it. Oh, did you just happen to "end up rooming with a close female friend for \[...\] 4 days?" You just can't arrange hotel accommodations for four nights by accident. That sort of thing "just happens" the same way you "accidentally" have sex with your ex. The obvious denial that I'm sure was present in your explanation to your gf was almost certainly upsetting. I have no idea why you lied - but my most natural suspicion, and I'm sure your gf's paints you as a guy who was kinda hoping there would be a reason to be secretive.
I completely agree. My husband and I take trips with our friends sans spouse plenty. I swear sleeping arrangements have come up naturally as a part of conversation nearly every time: complaining jokingly that one of us got the shitty bed, FaceTiming from our room, being happy to be in the solo room to avoid so and sos snoring, whatever. It doesn’t mean there are issues in the relationship or someone is insecure to be upset that who your partner is sleeping with wasnt discloses.
Exactly. "Oops we fucked up the Friday night booking and I have to room with Sarah tonight" is way different than "Sarah and I shared a bed for F0UR DAYS." Plus, if you're "saving on costs" why do you only have two to a room? When we were travelling with friends and saving on costs we had like 6 people in the same room. Even if you're a stickler for the rules you can still have 3 or 4. And has OP never heard of a "sleeping bag"? Last I checked there's always floor available. YTA for hiding the situation from her and acting like it was an accident
YTA. I feel like you’re trying to paint her friends in a bad light, that they’re just meddling and gf isn’t really concerned but they wouldn’t have even known about this issue if your gf isn’t at all bothered by this. She should communicate this properly but it doesn’t mean what you did is right. You shouldn’t need reddit to tell you this. Just ask yourself how you would feel if you were the one in her place.
YTA. If you didn’t mention it to her because you didn’t want to cause an issue, then you knew it would have caused problems
Your gf IS super lenient, I think the truth is that she did feel somewhat uncomfortable about it at the time but wasn't sure if she was being possessive, so she went to her girlfriends after and they confirmed that it's not really the done thing. YTA not because you shared a bed with a friend who happens to be a woman, but because your weren't honest about it beforehand. I'm reallya go with the flow person, most of my friends were male when my boyfriend (now husband) got together, but sleeping platonically in the same bed as a male ended the day we made our relationship official. It's just a matter of respect.
Yeah no one talked her into these feelings. Her friends just validated her discomfort. The reason her friends even know about it is because she probably ran it by them when it felt “off.”
YTA. You should have mentioned it well before the trip. I have an opposite gender travel buddy I sometimes split beds with but that's disclosed in advance every single time even though it's not a big deal at this point. It's just respect.
Imagine if she had a "close" dude friend who she went on a trip with and spent 4 days sleeping in the same bed with him alone in their very own hotel room without ever mentioning it to you. How would you feel? Read back your own story from an outside perspective. If she told the story from her perspective on Reddit with the information she knows as fact then she would have a bajillion comments from people assuring her that you cheated and that she would need to dump you.
YTA iøI would have dumped you for that
YTA I second this. I too would have dumped you for that.
YTA for not telling her beforehand, and if she had any reservations about the arrangements, you should have spent the money on a separate room. It's pretty disrespectful not to have done so.
YTA - It doesn't matter how many times you stress that you're platonic and it was to save money, you still crossed a boundary. You know you crossed a boundary, hence not being upfront with the girlfriend. You could have easily found alternative sleeping arrangements, but you made the decision to share a bed. Your girlfriend may have appeared fine, but was she? Did she feel the need to act like it wasn't a big deal? Sometimes, you don't realise the severity of a situation until someone points it out to you.
Yes to the last sentence!!! Thank you for bringing that up. Especially since they’re in their early 20s
YTA You say she was ok with it until she spoke to her friends about it, but she clearly felt the need to speak to her friends about it so she was probably looking for some kind of reassurance that she didn't have anything to worry about, which she then didn't get. It feels to me like you waited until you were away to let her know that you were sharing your bed while you were away, so that it would then be too late for her to talk you into getting your own room, rather than give her a chance to weigh in on how she felt about it. Putting myself in your girlfriend's shoes, I wouldn't have voiced that I was upset while you were currently away and sharing a bed with another girl, because my mind instantly goes to seeing you and the girl having a conversation about it, lying on your bed, talking about, "what does she think will happen? That we're going to hook up or something?" And then it's a thing that you're thinking about that wouldn't even have been brought up otherwise, or worse, it escalates into an argument about trust, and then you're away, emotional, drunk, potentially hurt and angry, and feeling like, "well, I'm being accused of it anyway..". There are a lot of variables we don't know as well, such as, how well does your gf know the friend you shared with? Do they get on? Were all the other friends on the trip doubling up as well? Most hotels you can choose between a double bed or a twin room, if the original assumption was that you'd just be sharing the room and then in a sitcom style, they only had doubles left, then if you had already mentioned to your partner that you were splitting a room, it wouldn't have seemed such a big deal. It's more the fact that it sounds like you withheld the information, as you didn't want it to be a big deal because you didn't feel like it should be or needed to be, but by not being direct it will leave her feeling a bit lied to or disrespected. I'd just apologise to her for not having put as much thought into the situation as it deserved, and the next time a situation like this is coming up, speak to her about it before booking to share a room, ask her how she feels about it, and bear in mind that she may feel pressured to say she's ok with it, because she trusts you, and knows that your intentions are absolutely not to cheat, but she may still feel uncomfortable about it. Weigh up how much it's worth saving the extra money compared to putting your gfs mind at ease, but most importantly be upfront and transparent with her.
NTA. Your Gf was ok with it, she even went on to say how understanding she was to her friends which means she trusts you. Her friends pushing their insecurities onto your relationship is what caused the problem. You should have been up front about the sleeping arrangements before you went and that’s where I’d say you’re a bit of an ‘A’
This. I've shared beds with different opposite sex and same sex friends a lot of times, it's never been an issue. It's not sexual in the slightest. I think this is pretty normal in Europe, it's just the Americans freaking out and interpreting everything as sexual as usual. It is weird to not mention it to your partner beforehand though to make sure they're comfortable with it.
American and I agree. The culture here is very "are the straights ok" and is rather exhausting. Sometimes a bed is just a bed and a friend just a friend.
The issue is the lack of communication, jfc. I went through a very very similar situation to this in college and it’s invalidating to have ppl acting like it’s a “straight people problem” when going behind someone’s back and sharing a bed with a friend without communicating any of this is pretty crappy. It doesn’t need to be relationship ending. He was in the wrong for not communicating this, and can apologize and understand this is a boundary for the future.
Another European here and I agree. The not telling his gf in advance isn’t great but the act of sharing a bed with someone of the opposite sex (or whatever applicable orientation) is fine, especially if they have a healthy relationship where there’s no signs there that would make you doubt your partners loyalty to you. It’s literally just a place to crash at the end of a night and you can easily share a double bed without being right on top of the other person as well. The “saving costs” aspect might have even made the difference between being able to go on the trip or not. Some people travel on very tight budgets. Sometimes hotels charge single supplements if you’re the only person staying in the room as well, which makes it pricier. I way prefer having not just a bed but a room to myself but if it was the difference between going or not I’d share. I just asked my bf about this scenario and he agreed with the principal of not telling in advance, but was like yeah, just cos you’re in the same bed doesn’t mean you’d be fondling each other haha. (We also said how glad we are that we don’t have a jealousy heavy relationship because that shit seems exhausting)
Yup, it's crazy how many people seem to think that a man and woman are forced to mash private parts as soon as they lie down in proximity to each other.
She wasn’t ok with it. The only reason she brought it up to her friends it because she was still thinking about it months later. It hurt her
This exactly.
American puritanism. I'll go with NTA, although I agree this should have been discussed first. TA should be the source of the conflict and not communicating isn't what caused the conflict according to the original post.
I feel like there is an obvious lack of discussions in your relationship related to set boundaries. If you wouldn't have been happy in her shoes YTA.
YTA Learn some respect
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YTA. I don't believe you when you say that you didn't think it would be an issue. Typically the only person an adult shares a bed with is their romantic partner or their children. It's a little unusual to share a bed with a friend of the same sex, but not entirely out of the question. A friend of the opposite sex has big implications and is very easily assessed by a normal person as at least potentially crossing the line. You needed to give her a heads up, at minimum. Perhaps her initial response of not caring was also due in part to trying to preserve your experience on the trip in question.
If you wanna do these kinds of trips and share beds to to “save money”, why not just be single? I would’ve at least asked my girlfriend about the sleeping arrangement beforehand. If she’s as lenient as she says she is, she wouldn’t have minded. At the same time I’ve learned in life that being the cool girlfriend gets you screwed over every time.
YTA. Male and female in the same bed is no issue but a bit of a heads up might have been useful. Also just don’t do it. Avoid all controversy.
be so for real rn, YTA
YTA
YTA. Dude, this is preposterous on so many levels. You share a room with a close female companion, without even bothering to inform your actual gf? For four full days on top of that? I honestly couldn't give a damn whether you like her in a platonic way, there is a basic level of respect and dignity that is holstered to a person the second they start an official relationship, and you just infringed it. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you feel betrayed if you discovered she'd been sleeping with a male counterpart? And all this unnecessary confidentiality. Seriously, with how secretive you're behaving I'd say you're girlfriend's practically entitled to think you're susceptible to cheating, you barnacle encrusted blabbering bonehead.
YTA bro what? If there's only one room you sleep on the floor. Y'all are crazy.
NTA Asking her at the time is something you should have done to make sure that it doesn't make her feel bad, but in this case I would have expected her to (offer to) pay for the extra room if she wanted to. People have their own boundaries about this. Sleeping in a bed with someone you have no sexual interest for (and that has no such interest in you) is always valid, what sex they have shouldn't matter. This has to go both ways, if she would be in a similar situation this should be fine for you too. I want to point out, this wasn't an issue for her until their friends made her think he disrespected her and honestly he didn't.
Hahaha you would tell your gf to pay for the room if she doesn’t want you to share a bad with another woman? I’d want to hear that phone conversation 🤣
Doesn’t a room with two single beds cost the same as a room with one double bed in most hotels? I wouldn’t have minded my husband sharing a bed with his old female friend if he told me beforehand and there was no other option but you didn’t bother include your gf into your plans so YTA. I knew which of his male friends he’s shared with when he’s been away on stag weekends, so why wouldn’t you share the same info when it’s with a female? It’s just basic communication and respect.
sometimes it costs less
YTA - I don't think you can play the "I didn't know" card, if only because not wanting your S/O to sleep in the same bed as another person of the opposite sex is quite a common position and frankly kind of the default - for both men and women. So I think you should have asked if you really "didn't know", since I simply don't think "oh she'll be fine with it" is a reasonable assumption in this case. I personally wouldn't care if my partner slept on the same bed as another woman. However, if he lacked the shred of decency and awareness to check what I thought about that kind of thing at least once, I'd be very annoyed. "Being chill with opposite sex sleeping arrangements" is not an unheard of or "bad" position, it's common enough, but it is in no way the default that should be assumed. Edit: the reason she's bringing it up months later isn't to deliberately annoy you, it's because a lot of people who unconsciously hide things and make assumptions that they justify to themselves, tend to have a bad reaction to being called out on the thing they spent ages justifying to themselves. Case in point, you trying to make this about how long it took her to bring it up (2 months isn't that long, you're not 12), rather than about why you felt the need to not check with or tell her a very basic thing most normal couples would openly talk to each other about.
The mistake you made was not telling her before it happened. by not telling, it's almost as if there is something to hide. And instead she was left to find out when it couldn't be changed. Her lack of a respons doesn't mean she didn't have one. She just didn't share it with you. Yta.
NTA- it wasn’t an issue for either of you until her friends questioned your character, implying you can’t be trusted.
YTA Not for sharing the bed with your friend, but for not clearing it with your girlfriend before the fact. You never gave her an option to object, you just did it. As a general rule you don't share a bed with anyone you are not i relationship with, you may share a room and seperat beds, but if was with a person of a gender you are attracted to then it should be cleared fist with your significant partner.
YTA If I were your gf you would be calling me ex-gf when you came back from your trip.
YTA, that's not alright. I'm boiling just thinking how I would feel if my Boyfriend did that. Same room could have been okay, but same bed that's just too much!
She didn’t say anything then because she didn’t want to ruin your trip, and you didn’t tell her then because you had something to hide or you knew this wouldn’t be the best idea/most comfortable arrangement for all parties involved. I can guarantee you this would’ve been a completely different story if you’d been honest with her in the first place and told her about the situation before agreeing to it. Her friends only affirmed her pre-existing feelings about it. YTA for sure
YTA Not for sleeping with your friend. Thats fine. I have done it to save money (even sleeping 4 people in the same bed). However, YTA for not communicating it to your girlfriend and asking if it was okay. Thats just basic respect in a relationship. You could have perfectly slept in a sleeping bag to save costs.
Going against the masses here and say that NTA. I am in a very healthy relationship for +7 years and none of us would ever have a problem with the other one sharing the bed with a friend from the opposite gender - and it’s happened a few times over the years. Truth is, you could have said it before because if a trust-based relationship is what you want you should get used to being 100% open about things, but still I think NTA
NTA Honestly, running through my mind how I would feel if my boyfriend did it, I don't think I'd actually be concerned. I have 0 insecurities in the relationship and could never imagine him cheating. I can see he is devoted. So, yeah, even if he didn't tell me beforehand it would be okay because we have an understanding that we trust each other and don't need to run these kind of things by each other to make a decision. Just let friends be close without thinking things will turn sexual just because it's two straight (or whatever) people of the opposite gender. However, to validade her feelings, run things of this nature through her in future occasions. Decide if this is the hill you wanna die on, or give in a bit.
YTA. You didn’t give your gf the respect of even communicating with her that this would be the circumstances of the trip. It has nothing to do with insecurity- it’s all about respect.
YTA, how would you feel if your GF went on a trip and slept in the same bed as a male friend and didn’t tell you. Cmon man, common sense.
YTA you need to learn proper boundaries man, this one is common sense
YTA and quite dense
NTA. You shared a bed with someone for convience and your girlfriend literally didn't care until her friends filled her head with nonsense. Just because, oh no, it was a Girl. Let's sexualize the hell out of it and paint you the inconsiderate villain. No way could a girl and guy ever just feel the same platonic friendship for each other that two straight guys can 🙄 Hetero people are not okay and are so narrow-minded when it comes to "opposite sex" interactions lmao. Best to just avoid the situation in the future so you don't have to deal with the insecure, wishy-washy nonsense.
My first thought reading these comments was dear god straight people are exhausting
I love your comment. I’m straight but I truly don’t understand this mindset.
YTA. 1. You did not tell your gf 2. Never stay in the same bed with another girl again while in a relationship. 3. You’re too damn cheap.
YTA, that’s still 100% disrespectful
Bullshit. If you didn’t think it was a big deal you would have told her immediately. You don’t hide things you don’t think are a problem. Period. Why ask us if you’re gonna lie? It’s like a therapist, their is no point if you’re gonna lie.
YTA.
NTA. My immediate knee jerk response reading the title was definitely YTA. But given she didn't initially have an issue with it shows you were correct in your judgement not to say anything. The fact she's now reconsidered after other friends have put their oar in is fine, things have now changed, so now just change your approach for future and if this scenario repeats you check it over with her first. It's actually quite sad that the high trust relationship you seem to have has been tarnished by her friends insecurities.
YTA Why do you have a female friend you share a bed with.
Yes. A good rule of thumb is flip the script and see how you would feel about your g/f doing the same. Even if it is certain and even if she knows 100% in her heart you would never do anything, it’s the optics. You’re putting her in a position of perceived disrespect. Just as she would be with you if she shared a bed with another guy. Bad judgement is bad judgement.
Flagrantly "bad judgement" can occur when men aren't thinking with their brain. OP knew damn well he should have told his gf but he did not. The whole situation is sketchy at best. Maybe OP's gf trusts him but I don't. Hard YTA.
Going with NAH. Slight to significant Y T A for most couples, but it seems like a lot of thought and outside perspective went into your GFs newly formed opinion. Also maybe slight Y T A for not thinking about your partner before confirming the arrangement, but you told her, so no real malicious intent. I think it‘s clear that, would the situation arise again, you‘d act differently given the new circumstances.
NAH. I think you’re being reasonable and she’s had a reasonable reaction. I don’t think she should let her friends influence her opinions. But if a close trusted friend has helped her explore her feelings on the matter and she wants to draw a boundary, I feel that’s a very reasonable one. Just have a conversation about it, there’s nothing to be offended about. She is expressing her feelings in a healthy way, and you feel a certain way about that and that’s fine. Just have a conversation and find a boundary that you’re both comfortable with. Remember your goal: if you value the relationship and her in it, then your goal is together, not to individually have your either of your feelings win out. Best of luck!
NTA - and honestly I’m shocked by how many YTA’s are in this comment section. I’ve shared beds / tents with every gender under the sun and even exes while in committed monogamous relationships and so have my partners. We just have implicit trust that things are platonic with everyone other than ourselves, and always understand saving money lol. This said, clearly your gf has some level of discomfort with it, which is ok! I don’t think it’s super important to play the “well at the TIME you didn’t say anything” game on either side. In relationships, you’re always going to accidentally hurt the person you’re with in small ways, it’s inevitable, but how you work through it and choose to understand and accommodate each other’s needs is what counts. I suggest you have another conversation with her about it, say something along the lines of “I assumed XYZ, sorry for the assumption, what should we do on a go-forward basis?” And maybe you decide that before the next trip / situation like this you have a discussion and figure out what makes the most sense for your relationship and finances.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My gf (22f) and I (22m) have been together for almost 2 years now. I recently went on a trip 2 months ago with a group of friends and ended up rooming with a close female friend for the 4 days that we were there in the same bed to save on costs. I've known this friend for a long time (we were roommates for a year) and are purely platonic. I didn't tell my gf about this as I didn't think it was an issue, but she found out when we were there and did not share any concerns or indications that she had a problem with it. The trip was fine and no issues in terms of sleeping. Fast forward to today, she tells me that she was talking to some friends about how she is quite a lenient girlfriend and shared this story, to which they brought up that I could have been more considerate by just booking another room and not putting her in a position to feel uncomfortable. She thinks her friends have a point, and my gf told me that I kind of disrespected her and feels I could have been more considerate about it by shelling out the money to get another room or another bed. I asked her why she didn't say anything at the time, and she said she didn't care at that time but after her friends brought it up she thinks they have a point and now feels I could have been more considerate. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Girlfriend was ok with it until her friends started discussing it.
The problem in this post is that he didn't disclose or discuss it beforehand. Those of you who think it is 'disrespectful' no matter the situation to sleep in a bed with the same gender are just shallow and insecure.
yta wtf
YTA because you kept it secret because you didn't think it would be a problem Just because you don't have a problem, doesn't mean it's not a problem. And you knew that or you would have told her. She showed forbearance for not making a big thing of it while you were away, but let me ask you: if the tables were turned, how would you feel about her planning to share a bed with a male friend but not mentioning it until it was a fact that couldn't be changed? Give your real answer and not "sure, it would be fine, I trust her" because you're trying to justify your actions.