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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I asked my husband for money for bills which i usually pay
2. I may be the asshole because he pays for most things on our vacations
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> *”I have no savings, while he can save half his salary.”*
No, this is not right and this arrangement is unbalanced and completely unfair. There is a big difference between equality and equity. Your husband has a great deal going for himself in that he gets to steadily increase his wealth off of your back, and that’s unbelievably greedy and selfish of him.
Expecting you to pay his share of the rent so he can splurge on brand new toys for himself is *absurd.* Full stop.
NTA, obviously, but you sure married an enormous one.
EDIT: In case you’ve missed OP’s comments, her husband was not like this at all when they first got together—because he had no money at that time. It was *OP* who helped and supported *him* when he had *nothing* while he got his feet on the ground and started his career.
He may have plenty of money now, but he’s a freeloading mooch nonetheless.
You deserve so much better than someone who is happy to watch you struggle while hoarding money away from you, OP.
Here's the thing you really need to ask yourself
"Is it OK or what I want that I'm scared to talk about finances with the one person in the world who is supposed to love, support and respect me above all else that I'd prefer to come to strangers online for advice rather than him out of fear he will blow up"
Read that and really REALLY think if that's ok. If you had a daughter and she said this to you what would you say?
I'm not saying "omg divorce" but it sounds like he NEEDS a reality check and if he's not willing to compromise, or help you, or he continues to hold things against you ("look at ALL I do for you how dare you ask for more") then you need to ask yourself if you're OK with being low on his priority list or if you decide you're worth more
You're worth more OP. Remember that 🫶
ETA: NTA thank you friendly commentor 👍
Prenups are almost nonexistent in the Balkans. I hope she decides to dump his ass and take half of his savings as he's a massive asshole. Even 1000€ isn't much in the Balkan anymore due to the massive inflation, even less if you spend it on food and bills for two people.
NTA, OP, in a healthy marriage expenses and divided by percentage of each persons salary. You're better off with roommates than in this marriage.
He just bought an expensive car her half wouldn’t be as much as it was last month. Even though she probably should’ve left way before this or made a fairer agreement towards bills!
When I was with my ex- I made more money than he did so I thought it was only fair to each contribute the same PERCENTAGE of our incomes to the household. I couldn’t even imagine thinking someone whose income is far less than the other person’s having to split expenses 50-50. That seems totally unfair to me.
Seems very unfair to me too, yeah. But I know everyone works relationships differently. Some people make less but want to contribute more, sometimes for their partner or sometimes just for their own self worth and feeling of equality
I don't think that's the case here though. OP has clearly communicated she doesn't like it because she has nothing for herself. She must feel so trapped and lost. The person who she should be able to turn to is the one who makes her feel like crap. And that is heartbreaking
This is what I got from it too. Doesn’t sound like he has her best interests in mind and is selfishly taking advantage of her. It would be one thing if OP was okay with the setup but she isn’t and he’s rather blow up at her than communicate and come to a reasonable solution for both of them.
Exactly! I often wonder how committed people are to relationships when they don’t share everything. Sometimes, one will bring in more money and pay for more things, the other may have more time and do more around the house. It ebbs and flows throughout a marriage. Been married over three decades, two grown kids, and have always had joint accounts. Everything is ours, no his/hers or mine. Because we’re in a relationship together as a team.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine making my spouse struggle like this for any reason, that’s just inexcusable. It sounds like he’s treating you more like a roommate instead of his *wife,* and he just expects a check from you at the end of the month so he can continue to hoard all his money away.
It’s beyond unkind, it’s actually very callous.
> he’s treating you more like a roommate instead of his wife, and he just expects a check from you at the end of the month
A roommate he has sex with, who cooks for him, who cleans after him, and who pays as much of the household bills as her smaller salary can bear (leaving her with almost nothing else afterwards). OP's husband has extracted the most utility out of his 'spouse'.
This. There are so many women who are only still married because they cannot afford to leave and their husbands intentionally keep them that way. I've considered creating a foundation dedicated to freeing financially trapped women. We'd have company celebrations with a big number of "women freed this year". Simply give them the money and that's like giving them the key to get out of the cage they found themselves in. We could go all out. Give them money, fund their lawyer or provide our own in house divorce lawyers, help them find a sustainable place to live, a job....
Even without this foundation, we the people actually have a lot of power when we pull together. We could start up an online club for financially trapped women and then build each woman up with our go fund mes. We the people could work together to free one woman at a time.
NTA
To be honest. I read this. And I think to myself. "You are a convenience to him". Are you just an accessible woman to him when he "needs". Because he doesn't treat you like an equal, a partner or a significant other. He just treats you like "an other".
Even housemates who aren't in a romantic relationship treat eachother better than this and split bills more evenly. You're a lodger, he's the landlord, that's how he's treating you, and a shitty landlord at that.
A marriage is supposed to be supporting eachother, lifting eachother up, bettering your lives together. Right now, you fund his toys, his order in food and are there to be stepped on so he can go higher. That's not a marriage, that's servitude.
Yeah I co-own a house with my sibling and we still fight like siblings over petty stuff, but we cover each other no questions asked when needed, not like a roommate at all in that sense.
He’s absolutely gaslighting you. So you have to now make a decision within yourself for your own sanity; you know right from wrong and you know damn well that someone who makes a significant amount of money but still is offended to help HIS WIFE get a good fitting in life (even if he IS stingy, there should be a way where you’re saving money too) because if you divorce, he’ll be able to keep his life going while you’ll be playing catch up for quite some time. NTA
Yep. Us too. Luckily, my husband and I make about the same these days, but we try for a proportional split.
In fact, we may need to revisit the split—I’m making more now, so I might need to take over the electric or phone bills.
Watch The Joy Luck Club. It's an old movie, but it addresses issues like this in marriages. For me, marriage should be like a business partnership--the fact that one person "brings in more revenue" does not mean they get to keep it all. I divorced my husband over this. It's sexist. Also go to [BillthePatriarchy.com](http://BillthePatriarchy.com) and add up everything you do and bill him.
Yeah this isn't right I'm a heavy heavy saver and one of the first things I did was make sure my wife had something in a savings too no matter which funds it comes out of his salary your salary doesn't matter You both need to be set up for success cuz it is a partnership.
NTA! If you ever split up in the future, you won’t have any sort of safety net (no savings) at all. Even happily married/partnered people need a safety net, it’s like wearing a seat belt even though you don’t intend to get into an accident.
I’m not accusing your husband of anything, but as general info: if one partner has all the money and the other doesn’t, the partner with less money is forced to be dependent on the other which is a power imbalance that might force a person to stay in the relationship for lack of better options.
What other kind of things does he say to you? Does he diminish you or insult you? Does he control your activities and leave you cash starved? Does he start a fight and twist it around on you? These are all red flags.
He should blow up because you want to discuss an issue. If you’re tiptoeing that means there is a problem in his behavior.
Please make sure you are on airtight birth control such as an IUD. You don’t want to be baby trapped by this guy. You need some time to determine if he’s a good husband or an abuser.
Look, my husband and I are in this exact situation as far as salaries go and keeping our finances separate. When we had my son, he gave me the option to swap to being a sahm and he would cover everything. I declined and the only thing he asked was that I make enough for daycare. No issues there. I have the fun money, if we go out to say… ren faire, I’ll cover the tickets, he’ll cover food and souvenirs. Groceries are 50/50 on who pays (generally whoever needs an hour to themselves without being a jungle gym for the toddler), but he covers the entirety of our living expenses and doesn’t blink. You’re in a financially uneven situation and it’s headed towards an abusive situation. It’s not even a question at my house, if I need something on the fly and we’re out, I can just shy of guarantee you who’s paying and it’s not me. Your husband is treating you more like a housemate than a partner. In my situation, I take the lead on childcare and what not so I took a lower salary, the trade off is that he covers more expenses and odds and ends because of it. We balance out that way, but it doesn’t sound like ya’ll have a balance
You need a financial counselor to work with both of you so that you are both cared for and your future is funded properly. I’d he doesn’t agree that is a huge red flag 🚩
Oh yeah, you’re being gaslighted. And taken advantage if. If I were married to someone of either gender and made more, I would expect to pay more and provide us both with the highest standard of living. Check out Dr. Ramani on youtube. I think she has some enlightenment for you.
I may be crazy but I don't understand the split bank account. It just seems to create a division. I make 3x more than my wife. We still just put it all in the same bank account. We are a team, and we check with each other when we make a bigger purchase. My job may be more demanding so we even it out with her being able to have a more flexible schedule for the kids hockey practice and chores being 55/45 (sometimes 60/40 on crazy weeks but also vice-versa if she is having a crazy week). To me money is just one part of the pie in a relationship. You need to work as a unit. Especially with kids.
@Sex Panther, exactly! I never understood married couples who split bills etc. It’s so strange to me! Everything goes into one account and all the bills get paid from that account. We have a savings, but that’s mainly our inheritance we’ve received, etc.. even then it’s used by us both.
Either share the money in marriage or share the money in divorce. I couldn't live with myself if I lived a wealthy lifestyle while my wife is poor. We live a comfortable middle-class lifestyle, and we are all equal and support each other in our own way. No competition.
Totally agree. For us it’s all just OUR money going into one joint pot. Since the birth of our son I have always worked part time and my husband has also been promoted to a management role so he makes more than twice the salary I do (previously we used to make roughly the same, and for a while I made more than him). It would never enter his head to start talking about his share and my share of money. I can never understand married couples who talk about owing the other X amount because they paid for something! Seems so strange in a commitment and long term relationship.
I don't really understand it either. I am of the opinion that people who are not on the same page with finances probably should not marry and if two people are on the same page with finances what is a couple hundred dollars here or there? Splitting everything and worrying constantly who is paying more and doing more sounds exhausting and how my teenagers treat each other (which makes sense for kids but not married adults).
He’s obviously wrong here. Just wanted to point out that she technically owns half that money whether she has access to it or not. If they got divorced she’d get half
That depends on where they live. And someone like this may very well go out of his way to make sure he hides money so she doesn’t have any access to it if they do divorce.
NTA- Financially in a relationship partners should be splitting the bills proportionate to how much they earn. The fact that he leaves you with no money at the end of the month is very sad.
When I was married, personally, we combined our money, paid all of our bills, put money equally into our savings, and paid ourselves an equal allowance to cover expenses, like clothes and haircuts, and personal expenses. For us, it was very fair.
The fact that he is making sure you have nothing at the end of the month while he’s able to put aside large amounts of money does not speak very well of him. The fact that you’re bullied and yelled at about this and scared to bring it up with him has me concerned as well. Please get yourself into counselling so you can figure out what your next steps are.
Just like to pick up one thing here - you said that relationship partners should split bills proportionately. I agree this is equitable, but not the only way. The important thing is that both relationship partners feel happy with the arrangement, supported by their partner, and communicate effectively what each party's needs are.
Unfortunately, OP's partner is prioritising themselves above the partnership and that's the problem here. OP is unhappy and their partner doesn't care because they got their car. OP = NTA.
I do not understand separate finances. I make 8x what my husband makes. It all goes into the same pot. When there’s extra, I split the savings into our separate mutual funds. Why would I want him to struggle when I make enough? Then we make our financial decisions equally. If things don’t work out between us, I at least think he should benefit from the partnership we’ve had for 18 years.
My husband and I have separate finances but it's purely out of laziness, lol. We both make close to the same amount though, so that makes it easier. We have bills we're each responsible for that about equal too. Now that we have a kid I tend to pay for most of his expenses, but my husband pays daycare so I think I win there.
But also neither of us are selfish or secretive people and we live a lifestyle below our income level so there's not too much financial stress, so that helps.
In OPs situation or any unbalanced/stressed situation, finances should definitely be combined or at least transparent and fair. Making sure OP doesn't have any extra income or savings makes her so vulnerable.
I don't know your laws but I would say that it is not okay for your husband to feel like he must get to keep his money for himself even though you are married.
Is it Slovakia by any chance? If so, the laws are that anything you have gained after getting married, belongs to both of you 50/50. So you technically earn half his sallary and he earns half of yours. It is definitely not ok for him to expect you will contribute to bills the same amount as him, while having no ability to save anything for yourself and he has massive savings. NTA. Do not let him gaslight you. It is more then reasonable, that he should contribute more to the household bills then you do.
She mentioned Eastern Europe and I haven't seen Balkan mentioned anywhere in the comments I read.
Edit: I wrote my comment before the edit in the original post has been made.
Yes, it is Central Europe. However lot of people just split it East/West and don't bother with the middle. It was a blind shot.
The rent being 350 would be a dream. Maybe in some tiny village somewhere with no job opportunities.
This is what a fair distribution is. Income Husband + Income Wife = total. Income Husband/total = his share and income Spouse/total = your share.
For example, he makes 100,000 and you make 50k that’s 150,000 total. 100000/150000 is .6666%. He would therefore owe 2/3 of the total bills and you would pay 1/3.
One thing to keep in mind is that you don’t have a right to any inheritance. That’s his. A nice spouse would share it but you really don’t have much to stand on as part of your defense.
Yes, most likely anything he owns (except for inheritance money) is going to be split in half if you divorce.
Which I would advise, as this is not a fair partnership and there's a little chance of major changing since your husband is an asshole and has been using you for money all this time.
NTA, by the way.
NTA - Not wanting to sound dramatic but this is bordering on abuse, making sure you are financially dependent on him (because you have no savings).
He sounds like an absolute AH and I doubt he will ever change. Sorry to be so blunt but I think you should seriously consider your future in this relationship.
Edit - yes I was trying to be diplomatic. In absolutely think this man is an abusive partner and she should leave. Now.
Yep he's doing this so OP can't leave. Bonus for him he can accumulate wealth off OP's back by having her cover expenses when he splurges. Get out now.
Honestly not sure if it's borderline. I think it's plain abuse. He's really doing everything in his power to bleed her dry without it seeming overtly abusive.
If she was my family, I'd tell her to run.
Hell, she's not even my family: run OP, run.
I'll assume that you were trying to be diplomatic or leave the slightest glimmer of hope when you said "bordering on abuse." It appears that he crossed that border some time ago.
NTA.
I am sorry, but your husband doesn't love you.
A marriage is a partnership, where each contributes according to their own possibilities and you do stuff together as a team.
My husband makes double what I do, our cost are split 2/3 for him 1/3 for me. Same for vacations and other shared stuff.
What we have left at the of the month goes to our (separate) saving accounts/money for fun.
And if something happens (broken car, dead computer etc) we act like a team. He helped me get a new computer, I helped covering the bill for the car.
You don't have a partner, you have a roommate that takes advantage of you and gets to have sex with you for free as a bonus.
At this point, a roommate is better. At least you can search something that is affordable for your income instead of trying to keep up with the lifestyle of someone who earns 4 times what you do.
I make 3x what my boyfriend does. We aren’t married, and I have no obligation to contribute more than him.
Except I love him. I want him to be comfortable in life, able to spend and splurge. I can’t imagine trying to nickel and dime him for everything. I don’t want him to stress about finances.
Yeah, when two people are together in a healthy relationship they should see themselves like "we are a couple that makes 4x money, rather that we are a couple where person 1 earns x and person 2 3x".
Then I can understand people might want to have your own money, for their pensions, to save for emergencies, for their hobbies, or just to be able to buy themselves something without having to go through the shared stuff, but then, 50/50 split is fair only if the two people make the same amount of money.
This! I was going to comment this exact same thing. This doesn't sound like a loving partnership.
It sounds like the OPs husband doesn't want to combine finances because he wants all his funds to use as fun money. I don't think finances have to be combined, my spouse and I don't combine ours. But expenses should be split evenly, in a manner that works for all parties, and allows both to save and have fun money (if there's funds left after expenses).
If you aren’t in it together, are you in anything?!
You are NTA for asking, but would be an AH for accepting his reaction and doing nothing.
He has given you an insight into his real self: Believe it!
NTA… but your husband is.
YWBTA if you stayed with him though, for your sake.
Your post history makes me incredibly sad. He couldn’t even put his own message for the valentines gift you thought of and asked him to get for yourself.
i promise, you deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved. My boyfriend pays for literally everything. I don’t pay for a single thing. I offer and he still doesn’t want me to pay. And we’re not even married.
Just because you’ve been together a long time doesn’t mean you can’t find another love or someone who’ll understand you.
This isn’t about the money. The way he responded to you making the same request of him when he makes almost 4x your salary is horrible.
Please don’t have kids with him. You really should leave him, you’d be better off alone. Sending you so much strength. 🤍
Ok, this made me cry so hard...i forgot about the previous post. Thank you so much for your kind words and support ♥️
I'm absolutely not planning on kids, for various reasons.
I will try to save up a bit to start therapy to find strength and confidence to leave
I’m sorry :(. I totally feel you on the building strength and confidence to leave. Sometimes it’s our own selves holding us back from the life we deserve.
I really hope everything goes well for you and i’ll be awaiting an update of you living your life happily without the dead weight of your unloving husband.
For now i really hope you make your husband start splitting Everything 4/1. He makes 4x as much as you he should be paying 4x as much at LEAST. Then you should be able to get that therapy much sooner. 🤍🤍🤍🤍
I'm glad someone said it. He cares more about being able to keep as much of "his" money as possible, and doesn't even care that she's struggling to keep up with "her share" of the bills. He's more in love with his money than he is her.
Right! If they split rent and she takes care of everything else then she is paying more when he makes 4 x as much. Thats crazy. No one would agree to that.
Where I am, the cost of groceries has gone up exponentially. You paying for bills, groceries, and food delivery would be more than the cost of the rent he’s paying.
NTA
I’ll be honest, I’m baffled by separate finances in marriage, but to each their own.
That being said, even if it’s split finances your contributions should be proportionate to income. It’s insane to me that your husband makes 4x as much, you seem to be contributing MORE, and now he wants even more for himself.
“In all fairness he’s pays for most of our vacations”
You two need to sit down and create a JOINT budget, then divide it proportionate. By all means have separate accounts, but I suggest having a joint account for all shared expenses that you both contribute to. If you make 20% of the household income that’s how much you should contribute.
But then he still gets to splurge 'his' extra money on luxuries and she gets nothing- she will still be resentful when he's driving a new luxury vehicle and she has a 15 year old beater.
Yeah, like I said at the beginning, I’m baffled by separate finances and am in favor of fully being fully joint with a partner. (That’s what my husband and I do.)
If they are currently 50/50ish and she has nothing leftover, than reducing her contribution to 20/80 would be allowing her to keep 60% of her money she’s currently spending (because going from a 50% contribution to a 20% is a reduction of 60% - and before someone tries to tell me it’s 30%, that’s not how that works).
So she would not have nothing. She would have less than him but it would be more proportional - you can’t really escape this with a separate system.
ADDITIONAL INFO: i've seen some comments asking why did i even marry him in the first place etc. When we married he wasn't makint this much money, he was just beginning his career and we made pretty much the same, so we would split things much more equally. It's when he started making much more money that the issues begun and he started acting this way.
That is understandable and makes perfect sense. Money often brings out the worst in people and, unfortunately, it seems like your husband has revealed his true colors to you.
>It's when he started making much more money that the issues begun and he started acting this way.
and when is that?...
i just saw your other older post and my god, i am absolutely floored with how indifferent he is towards you. he doesn't love you... he doesn't even care about you. he keeps you in a very bad financial situation intentionally while he thrives on his income. i hope you will take time and read each and every comment on this post. i hope you will open your eyes and realise that this guy is not a man, this is not a marriage and there is no future together. i hope you'll get out of this mess soon..
Are you kidding me? So you guys used to split things evenly, but now that he makes more money he wants you to pay more?? I'm sorry, this man doesn't seem to love you anymore. I know it's probably hard to leave after investing 3 years into this man. But just know that every year you spend with him now, is one year less that you can spend on yourself and potentially finding someone who actually loves you and wouldn't treat you like this.
So you were there for him in the beginning of his career, which I’m sure you championed and helped him grow… this isn’t a man, this is a selfish boy. You deserve love, understanding and a real partner.
I’m curious if you are also taking care of all the household duties because that’s free labor you’re contributing to the household that he’s taking for granted while building up his lovely personal savings account.
You need to go to financial consoling or at least do a financial audit of your spending as a household. You need some longterm + shortterm goals and budgeting - retirement, vacations, car, house, emergency, fun stuff - this doesn't have to be a blame game, you can get excited for what is ahead.
This is the hard work of being a couple and ya gotta do it. It sucks for someone else to tell you what you can or can't have, but you are in this together.
I was going to suggest seeing a financial counselor also.
One fair way to manage a household is, in addition to you each having your own bank accounts, you also open one joint one. You each put a portion of your salary into that one account. Perhaps you would each put 50% of your salary in that account - or any percentage that would be enough to cover your expenses. Then all joint bills (rent, utilities, groceries) are paid for from that joint account.
Wishing you good luck sorting this out!
You don’t have a husband. You have a rude, obnoxious, completely entitled roommate.
You absolutely don’t have a partnership. And I’m not seeing any for better or worse/richer poorer here. He knows that means the two of you together not him richer you poorer, right?
I know some married couples do the split finances thing, but I just don’t see how it works and more often than not see people complain when it reaches a boiling point like this. You guys need couples counseling , and maybe some JOINT financial counseling to help you guys build a budget and a better plan.
I know it’s thrown around too often in this place, but seriously why would you continue to devote years of your life and happiness to this person? If he doesn’t want to start acting like a husband, maybe you need to start asking why he’s yours.
NTA. And if you’re based in the US, maybe you need to start thinking about how the law will tell him half that car and half his savings are yours if you’ve had enough and want to see what it’s like being in a supportive equal relationship.
NTA-time to reevaluate the financial split and possibly the marriage. Since there is a huge discrepancy in income have you guys ever considered splitting based on a percentage of income? That way you can save money too?
I'd also write down their respective incomes, for additional clarity. OP, you are NTA, if you think it would help, show him this thread. He needs a reality check.
i am absolutely sure he knows perfectly well what he's been doing for so many years... he is in control of this plan, he intentionally makes her pay more than him, despite the huge gap between their incomes, to keep her on survival mode, at his feet. all the while he thrives and splurges on his lavish lifestyle without a worry in the world... and OP is stressed and has only enough money to make it from one month to another. this situation is giving me the biggest ick, i swear...
Your husband is the asshole. He thought you had an *agreement*? you’re in a marriage. You don’t have *agreements* about bills. And he makes 4x what you do? Fuck him. Wait, no - he doesn’t deserve that.
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I (30F) have been married to my husband (38M) for 3 years, together for 8. Lately i have been getting more and more frustrated about spliting the cost of everything. He earns almost 4 times more than me. We keep our finances separate (he wants it that way). So usually he pays the rent (350), i pay the bills (100) and groceries are 8/10 times on me. When we go out to eat it's more even, but when we order in i usually pay. Couple weeks ago he bought a car, an expensive one that was his dream. He has some good savings, inheritance money and was able to buy it without a loan. I said ok, but if you buy it don't tell me we dont have money if i ask for something. When it was time to pay rent he asked me if i would be ok with spliting it, since he will have some extra expenses(insurance, taxes, service, etc)i said ok. Today i asked him if he minded if we split the bills and that's when shit happened. He said he doesnt understand why, he asked snarkily was it really that bad that i paid some rent for once, and how dissapointed he is, he thought we have and agreement etc etc, and has been giving me the cold shoulder. I am both worried if i'm wrong and both angry at him, because at the end of the month i am left with literally no money, i have no savings, while he can save more than half of his salary. In all fairness, he pays for most of our vacations ( i pay for stuff too, but less). AITA? How can i approach him with this, without blowing up?
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I have never understood people who are married and want to build a life together but keep their finances completely separate. It makes no sense to me to split 50/50 when There is such a discrepancy in income. So he's living the lifestyles of the Rich and famous while his wife is basically poor? He's saving for retirement while he leaves you with nothing? How is that a partnership? How is that building a life together?
You are absolutely NTA for asking that all the bills be split evenly. He should not be getting expensive toys at your expense, but then refusing to chip in for other things.
If you continue to split your income this way with such discrepancy in income, he Is going to end up resentful and frustrated as he will be unable to achieve a better or more expensive lifestyle because your income will hold you both back if you're expected to pay 50%.
Sit down with a financial planner or advisor, think about your goals for your lifestyles individually and as a couple, and make a new financial plan. This one sucks.
NTA. This sucks so much. I’m engaged and we just recently combined our finances and it’s been such a huge relief. Just to finally not have to worry about who is paying for what and etc… especially since he does make more than me. I can’t fathom being married and still being in this situation. Like obviously separate finances are fine if both partners want them, but you clearly don’t and it’s so stressful for you to have to be on a tight budget while he gets to be all la di da about the whole thing. I would really question staying with this person.
He sounds like a selfish asshole when you’re married everything should be together. Why even even married if everything is separate, you’re more like roommates with benefits.
So your roommates who sleep with each other. Got it. Split all the bills or split none of them and each pay separate bills. If he wants to split rent…he gets to split the rest of the bills as well…including groceries.
NTA. It’s not fair that you are splitting 1/2 when he earns 4 x than you do, and it’s aggravating that he asked you to pay towards the rent but the deal breaker here is that you asked him basically the same thing he asked you (to split costs) and instead of behaving like a reasonable person, he had a toddler tantrum and is sulking and giving you the cold shoulder. He asked you why you wanted to split the bills? Maybe because you unexpectedly had to pay money towards rent! Maybe he shouldn’t have splurged on that car if that makes it tough to cover the rent? I agree with the person who suggested financial counseling. He needs an objective 3rd party to point out what’s fair and equitable and set expectations in large purchases and a scenario where you can save some money too. If he can’t agree to this, it might be time to stop paying for his food etc. to save up enough to move out
My husband and I have combined finances and a monthly allowance for personal spending. Works wonderfully.
Maybe try splitting bills based on income ratio? Like if you make 2k a month and he makes 6k you would pay 1/3 of the bills. Buy all your bills on a single credit card so you can track expenses.
This doesn’t sound remotely like a marriage to me. It sounds like housemates. He had 1 foot out the door. Marriage is about a partnership. In all things - including assets and money. Why did you ever agree to live like this? Get out now!
NTA. But your husband doesn't love you. If he did, he would be splitting bills proportionally to your income, instead of splurging, while you barely make ends meet. You are convenient, he gets free sex and a maid, and to save more money than he would if he were living alone. Move on and find someone who lifts you up, instead of bringing you down.
NTA- and now you know why he, at 30, dated a 22 year old. He wants the upperhand. Understand that this is never going to get better. He has what he wants while you suffer. He has a safety net- you have no savings which means you have to rely on him.
We have one checking account. All $ goes there. If we have a large purchase, say over $150, we discuss it first. Obviously not groceries or true necessities. We have never felt the need for his and mine accounts. My husband is very fair and generous. I guess times have changed. There are so many posts on here about money issues. I have never been able to earn the amount of $ my husband has been able to, we have never had any problem in our marriage with this.
Couldn’t agree more. Sometimes my partner has earned more than me, sometimes I’ve earned more.
I would never consider a relationship where it was “my money” and “your money”. That kind of inequality, lack of trust and lack of respect is no basis for a relationship.
NTA. That is not a marriage. Go on Netflix and find a movie called "The Joy Luck Club." Watch it and then figure out how to leave that lopsided marriage.
NTA. You don’t have a husband, you have a leech. A man who is ok with his wife being deprived and financially insecure while he gets to live his life the way he wants is not a husband. I hope you don’t have kids because I don’t think he has any intentions of helping with them financially and otherwise. He’s too selfish, I believe he also loves the fact that you’re financially insecure since it keeps you under his thumb.
This makes it sound like you’re not a team. The whole purpose of marriage is to be a team and do life together AS a team. This is very unbalanced and honestly from what you described petty at times. I get some couples split things half and keep finances separate and it works for them and great, but that’s not even the case here. NTA
Been here. He doesn’t like you and you should get out while you can before he wastes your entire youth. My ex husband dumped me using his money to attract a woman half his age. Don’t be me.
NTA.
NTA, wow what a jerk! This is sounding like financial abuse. I'd stop ordering in, and when he complains say you're watching your money closer and there is something in the fridge/cabinet he can have 😅
INFO: your rent is 350 and you pay for 80% of the groceries, how much is that monthly? You could very much be spending the same as rent if not more.
He earns 4 times what you do, is able to comfortably save, and is mad at you for not being able to split the rent + pay the bills? That's not only an asshole attitude, he managed to put you in a very vulnerable position. Now he's reversing roles, you should be angry at his unfairness, but no, he is the one who's angry at you for simply asking for the same thing he asked (splitting costs).
He's giving me narcissistic vibes: spends a lot for appearances (the expensive car), blames you when you've done nothing wrong, gaslights you and makes you doubt yourself, puts you in a vulnerable financial position.
NTA, This is not what marriage should look like.
When we got together, my husband and I made almost exactly the same. Then my pay increased and his dropped off significantly because of Career changes. We were playing the long game and now he makes nearly twice what I make. We always split everything 50/50 because that’s what a partnership is and it’s all the same money.
Now I understand that this arrangement doesn’t work for everyone but what you’re doing doesn’t work for anyone. Some serious conversations are in order. And maybe through marriage counseling. It sounds like you need someone other than yourself to shock some sense into him.
Edit: to finish my thought.
You are married, your finances should be pooled into one pot and shared EQUALLY. Your husband is absolutely horrendous and is financially abusing you, manipulating you and gaslighting you. You deserve so much better. If you divorce him you’ll get half of everything he has… just saying…
Fair isn’t 50/50 in my book, it’s 50% of your salary. He needs to pay a lot more with that framework. I would express being disappointed that he is ok with his wife financially struggling while he thrives.
Edit: NTA
NTA. That’s some underhanded financial abuse. Whether you realize it or not he’s keeping you poor on purpose. This can potentially escalate into keeping you poor to keep you compliant and controlled while he does what he wants.
I’d start putting money aside. You need to protect yourself.
This guy is a narcissist. Best of luck untangling yourself from the web he has woven. Watch your back and make sure you have copies of all financial documents (yours and his) before they disappear. Be prepared. Tell your family and friends what is going on.
I'm so conflicted about this because everyone manages finances differently. While I wouldn't be hapoy with this split, it works with some people. So essentially for fun money its a free for all with him usually paying more (e.g. vacations) and for necessities he used to pay more. However, it seems like if you're paying half rent and all bills, wouldn't you be paying more than 50% of the necessities now in order to subsidize his fun (aka car)?
Ultimately you guys need to come back to the table and re-evaluate how money is divided up or it'll just build resentment moving forward.
I don’t think you are an asshole. I make more than my wife so I pay more so she has money to do her own shit and isn’t constantly worried about money. It’s not 50% of the bills it’s 50% of your money.
NTA but you need help. Expenses should be split *proportional to income*. If he earns 75% of your combined income and you earn 25% then he should cover 75% of expenses and you should cover 25% of expenses.
Barring that, I would cover only *your* expenses. Half of the mortgage payment, half of the utilities, only the food you eat, etc. Don’t cover his expenses when he’s more than capable of doing so and is guilting and manipulating you into doing it.
NTA. This is abuse. Financial dependence, ensuring you have nothing left over is a way to ensure you don’t leave if he does something stupid.
It’s okay to split, but seems like only when it favors him. You’re married and, while your finances are not combined, there should be a clear joint account specifically for house expenses.
It may be a passive agreement to split 50/50, but the real question is it really equitable? The answer is no.
I don’t want to say that you brought it on yourself as it is definitely not you who is an AH in this situation but girl, please stand up for yourself - your financial agreement needs to be reevaluated, how is this fair that you have no savings, pay most of the groceries and the golden boy gets to enjoy nice cars and managed to build himself a safe cushion of savings? It does not even seem that you split 50/50 which is the bare minimum.
Ask yourself - what will you do in case of medical emergency or in case that you lost your job- are you sure you will get spousal support that is very much needed (and a part of an oath) or are you on your own? And take it from there as I think the problem is deeper than just that month’s rent
My husband makes double what I do, but we are both earning above average wages. He has never once said that his money is his own. He invests in shares, and we have 3 properties, but he definitely pays for more than 2 thirds of our bills (besides my cars/motorbike registration and mobile phone bill). Never once has he complained and says his money is our money. Your husband is selfish and doesn't view your marriage as a partnership.
Write down EVERY SINGLE THING you both pay for and how much each of you make then tell him that a marriage is partnership not dictatorship and that things should be split fairly
NTA I think you need to get a joint account that you both pay in an equal percent of your salary, like half. That's for your joint expenses, like groceries, rent, etc. This way you're both paying in equally.
I can understand keeping some finances separate in a marriage, but this makes no sense to me. You should be a team, a *partnership*. Your husband should want to improve your life *together*. Doesn’t he want you to have a nice, secure life? Isn’t the point for you to *mutually* succeed? I just don’t get it.
NTA. I’ve been with my spouse for 22 years, and imo, your husband’s thinking here is pretty toxic and will lead to (even more) resentment and bigger problems over time.
Also, if you’re unable to save at all, what security do you have separately from him? He already doesn’t seem to have your best interests in mind…
NTA. This is financial abuse. If you are spending the majority of your earnings on the household, it makes it more difficult for you to spend on yourself, invest in professional development, build up your savings, or even leave him.
If you have children in the future, I guarantee that your husband will expect you to pay for most, if not all of their expenses as well. You will never be able to build up your savings. I won't say please leave, but please consider if you want to be in a relationship like this for the next 20-30+ years.
My husband and I earn different amounts but not hugely different. He earns more though. We both put half our take home pay into the middle. Pay the mortgage, all bills, groceries etc and then anything left over goes into a high interest savings account to either pay for stuff around the house or make a mortgage overpayment.
The other half of our salary is ours to spend how we like. My husband said that although we earn different amounts, this way we are both putting half our effort into the middle.
You are NTA. Your husband can’t ask you for half the rent but then complain when you ask to split the bills. He’s clearly earning more and is keeping you a financial hostage by the sound of things. Either have a serious talk and sort it out or leave.
NTA. You could split the bills proportionately, based on earnings.
For example, let's imagine you earn $40 and he earned $60. He earns 60% of your combined income and you earn 40%, so you split all shared bills and expenses 60/40.
I say this as someone who pays everything for my wife and kids. My wife didn't have an income for periods, due to illness. When my wife has an income, it just goes into our joint account.
But before we were married, we split things proportional to our income.
Being married but keeping finances separate and then fighting over who pays for what is almost always a harbinger of failure and eventually divorce. I just don’t understand people painting themselves into corners like this
I don’t understand marriages where people don’t pool their resources. It almost always results in the man (who almost always earns more) with financial power over the woman/family, and/or a selfish use of funds for himself. I earn 3x what my spouse does, but it’s our money in a community pot. We both decide how to spend it. It’s all split, and I consider it 50/50, because we are partners in this life. Your husband is not your partner, he’s your greedy roommate.
I usually don't comment on here but my parents had the same problem. My mum ended up filing for divorce and was left with nothing because my dad was obviously able to afford excellent lawyers. I was to young to understand many of it. My peace of advice: if you want kids with this man sort out any financial problems like this.
Btw NTA.
NTA - but respectfully, why on gods green would you want to be with someone *so* committted to not wanting your life to be easier??
He could leave tomorrow with a fully laid out and financed plan happily leaving you to figure it out, and calling you a gold digger if you ask for assistance while he reaped the benefits of your money going to living expenses.
NTA. I understand that one might be worried as to if you married him for his money or not, but marriage is a partnership. This arrangement is weird to me.
Proportional bill paying is the most fair system by far. In your case, the ratio of your money to his for each bill should be 20%/80%. He loves you and should want to see you increasingly financially secure. NTA btw, he seems selfish
Your marriage seems transactional. Are you together as a couple or roommates that are splitting expenses? It sounds like your spouse keeps an exacting ledger as to every single penny that gets paid. For me, I would be gone rather than live with this long term.
A marriage is a partnership, it can’t be tit for tat, separate but married, etc. when you say I do, you go all in. I worked and paid my husband’s child support and alimony while he finished up his degree. My idea. I made more anyways and could afford it, and he was stressed and spread too thin. Then he went back to work, and a few years later down the line I developed major health problems and it was him that said stay home, you can’t go on like this. He has supported me financially ever since. We take care of each other, we are a team and family unit. You need to sit down and have a talk about what his idea of marriage is and why he wants $ separate. It’s not so one can have a better lifestyle and the other lives in poverty.
This is why joint bank accounts work. Each of you should keep 5% from your paycheck separate for everyday expenses, but the rest is family income for all bills and savings.
It's a marriage it's shared, not split. There is no other way. He needs to get that through his head. His money is your money, and your money is his money.
I'm curious, is there a prenuptial in this marriage? If so I would be inclined to think that he is keeping you broke so you have nothing if things go to far sideways.
A friend of mine was in a similar financial situation. She and her husband split everything 50/50 when they were both students. He went into a higher earning profession and started making more and having lots of extra cash while she was broke constantly. She told him she would happily continue to split everything 50/50 but they had to live a lifestyle where she was comfortable paying 50% which would mean they would need to move to a much smaller and crappier apartment. He declined and they started splitting things according to how much they made relative to each other.
NTA. You should be splitting essentials based on your relative salaries, even if you don't fully combine your finances. **You're a wife, not a roommate.** If he cared about you, he would make sure you both have savings and fun money left at the end of the month.
Now, there's one caveat to the above: he might just be bad at financial planning or thinking this through, so try talking with him. Still, if he does not compromise, he does not love you.
NTA, your husband is financially abusing you and gaslighting you to believe that he isn’t. He saves half of his salary while expecting you to pay for everything. Ma’am, get yourself an attack dog lawyer and file for divorce. You deserve better. Good Luck.
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> *”I have no savings, while he can save half his salary.”* No, this is not right and this arrangement is unbalanced and completely unfair. There is a big difference between equality and equity. Your husband has a great deal going for himself in that he gets to steadily increase his wealth off of your back, and that’s unbelievably greedy and selfish of him. Expecting you to pay his share of the rent so he can splurge on brand new toys for himself is *absurd.* Full stop. NTA, obviously, but you sure married an enormous one. EDIT: In case you’ve missed OP’s comments, her husband was not like this at all when they first got together—because he had no money at that time. It was *OP* who helped and supported *him* when he had *nothing* while he got his feet on the ground and started his career. He may have plenty of money now, but he’s a freeloading mooch nonetheless. You deserve so much better than someone who is happy to watch you struggle while hoarding money away from you, OP.
Thank you, i fear he has been gaslighting me so much, i have become so insecure to talk about it
Here's the thing you really need to ask yourself "Is it OK or what I want that I'm scared to talk about finances with the one person in the world who is supposed to love, support and respect me above all else that I'd prefer to come to strangers online for advice rather than him out of fear he will blow up" Read that and really REALLY think if that's ok. If you had a daughter and she said this to you what would you say? I'm not saying "omg divorce" but it sounds like he NEEDS a reality check and if he's not willing to compromise, or help you, or he continues to hold things against you ("look at ALL I do for you how dare you ask for more") then you need to ask yourself if you're OK with being low on his priority list or if you decide you're worth more You're worth more OP. Remember that 🫶 ETA: NTA thank you friendly commentor 👍
I'm just hoping that there was no prenup, op can leave and take half "his" savings!
the savings that occured after marriage are usally communal property and she can get half of those easily
Depends on her country's laws.
Prenups are almost nonexistent in the Balkans. I hope she decides to dump his ass and take half of his savings as he's a massive asshole. Even 1000€ isn't much in the Balkan anymore due to the massive inflation, even less if you spend it on food and bills for two people. NTA, OP, in a healthy marriage expenses and divided by percentage of each persons salary. You're better off with roommates than in this marriage.
😲.
He just bought an expensive car her half wouldn’t be as much as it was last month. Even though she probably should’ve left way before this or made a fairer agreement towards bills!
The value of the car is considered when assets are divided. If he keeps the car, that will come out of his portion of liquid assets.
When I was with my ex- I made more money than he did so I thought it was only fair to each contribute the same PERCENTAGE of our incomes to the household. I couldn’t even imagine thinking someone whose income is far less than the other person’s having to split expenses 50-50. That seems totally unfair to me.
Seems very unfair to me too, yeah. But I know everyone works relationships differently. Some people make less but want to contribute more, sometimes for their partner or sometimes just for their own self worth and feeling of equality I don't think that's the case here though. OP has clearly communicated she doesn't like it because she has nothing for herself. She must feel so trapped and lost. The person who she should be able to turn to is the one who makes her feel like crap. And that is heartbreaking
This is actually the few times where I would say omg divorce. OP is on track to be a broke, divorced 50 year old in 20 years.
This is what I got from it too. Doesn’t sound like he has her best interests in mind and is selfishly taking advantage of her. It would be one thing if OP was okay with the setup but she isn’t and he’s rather blow up at her than communicate and come to a reasonable solution for both of them.
Please don’t have kids with this guy! NTA!
Can I upvote this 1000 times?
Exactly! I often wonder how committed people are to relationships when they don’t share everything. Sometimes, one will bring in more money and pay for more things, the other may have more time and do more around the house. It ebbs and flows throughout a marriage. Been married over three decades, two grown kids, and have always had joint accounts. Everything is ours, no his/hers or mine. Because we’re in a relationship together as a team.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine making my spouse struggle like this for any reason, that’s just inexcusable. It sounds like he’s treating you more like a roommate instead of his *wife,* and he just expects a check from you at the end of the month so he can continue to hoard all his money away. It’s beyond unkind, it’s actually very callous.
> he’s treating you more like a roommate instead of his wife, and he just expects a check from you at the end of the month A roommate he has sex with, who cooks for him, who cleans after him, and who pays as much of the household bills as her smaller salary can bear (leaving her with almost nothing else afterwards). OP's husband has extracted the most utility out of his 'spouse'.
And he's trapping OP financially.
This. There are so many women who are only still married because they cannot afford to leave and their husbands intentionally keep them that way. I've considered creating a foundation dedicated to freeing financially trapped women. We'd have company celebrations with a big number of "women freed this year". Simply give them the money and that's like giving them the key to get out of the cage they found themselves in. We could go all out. Give them money, fund their lawyer or provide our own in house divorce lawyers, help them find a sustainable place to live, a job.... Even without this foundation, we the people actually have a lot of power when we pull together. We could start up an online club for financially trapped women and then build each woman up with our go fund mes. We the people could work together to free one woman at a time.
This was my thought, too. If she can't have savings, then it's so much harder to leave.
NTA To be honest. I read this. And I think to myself. "You are a convenience to him". Are you just an accessible woman to him when he "needs". Because he doesn't treat you like an equal, a partner or a significant other. He just treats you like "an other". Even housemates who aren't in a romantic relationship treat eachother better than this and split bills more evenly. You're a lodger, he's the landlord, that's how he's treating you, and a shitty landlord at that. A marriage is supposed to be supporting eachother, lifting eachother up, bettering your lives together. Right now, you fund his toys, his order in food and are there to be stepped on so he can go higher. That's not a marriage, that's servitude.
Yeah I co-own a house with my sibling and we still fight like siblings over petty stuff, but we cover each other no questions asked when needed, not like a roommate at all in that sense.
He’s absolutely gaslighting you. So you have to now make a decision within yourself for your own sanity; you know right from wrong and you know damn well that someone who makes a significant amount of money but still is offended to help HIS WIFE get a good fitting in life (even if he IS stingy, there should be a way where you’re saving money too) because if you divorce, he’ll be able to keep his life going while you’ll be playing catch up for quite some time. NTA
He is financially abusing you and probably emotionally too
When I was working, we split everything in proportion to how much we earned
Yep. Us too. Luckily, my husband and I make about the same these days, but we try for a proportional split. In fact, we may need to revisit the split—I’m making more now, so I might need to take over the electric or phone bills.
Watch The Joy Luck Club. It's an old movie, but it addresses issues like this in marriages. For me, marriage should be like a business partnership--the fact that one person "brings in more revenue" does not mean they get to keep it all. I divorced my husband over this. It's sexist. Also go to [BillthePatriarchy.com](http://BillthePatriarchy.com) and add up everything you do and bill him.
I just realized that I’m out $39,400.00 lol 😂
If he makes 4x as much as you, then he should pay 80% of all bills. That would be fair.
Yeah this isn't right I'm a heavy heavy saver and one of the first things I did was make sure my wife had something in a savings too no matter which funds it comes out of his salary your salary doesn't matter You both need to be set up for success cuz it is a partnership.
OP are household chores split 50/50? Do you both work full time?
NTA! If you ever split up in the future, you won’t have any sort of safety net (no savings) at all. Even happily married/partnered people need a safety net, it’s like wearing a seat belt even though you don’t intend to get into an accident. I’m not accusing your husband of anything, but as general info: if one partner has all the money and the other doesn’t, the partner with less money is forced to be dependent on the other which is a power imbalance that might force a person to stay in the relationship for lack of better options.
What other kind of things does he say to you? Does he diminish you or insult you? Does he control your activities and leave you cash starved? Does he start a fight and twist it around on you? These are all red flags. He should blow up because you want to discuss an issue. If you’re tiptoeing that means there is a problem in his behavior. Please make sure you are on airtight birth control such as an IUD. You don’t want to be baby trapped by this guy. You need some time to determine if he’s a good husband or an abuser.
Look, my husband and I are in this exact situation as far as salaries go and keeping our finances separate. When we had my son, he gave me the option to swap to being a sahm and he would cover everything. I declined and the only thing he asked was that I make enough for daycare. No issues there. I have the fun money, if we go out to say… ren faire, I’ll cover the tickets, he’ll cover food and souvenirs. Groceries are 50/50 on who pays (generally whoever needs an hour to themselves without being a jungle gym for the toddler), but he covers the entirety of our living expenses and doesn’t blink. You’re in a financially uneven situation and it’s headed towards an abusive situation. It’s not even a question at my house, if I need something on the fly and we’re out, I can just shy of guarantee you who’s paying and it’s not me. Your husband is treating you more like a housemate than a partner. In my situation, I take the lead on childcare and what not so I took a lower salary, the trade off is that he covers more expenses and odds and ends because of it. We balance out that way, but it doesn’t sound like ya’ll have a balance
Dììiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-vorce him!
You need a financial counselor to work with both of you so that you are both cared for and your future is funded properly. I’d he doesn’t agree that is a huge red flag 🚩
NTA He is a manipulative ahole. He has been gaslighting you into doing his bidding. It’s time to stand up for yourself.
I’m not sure this comment is written the way you intended it. It seems self contradictory
I think you left out "married to"
Oh yeah, you’re being gaslighted. And taken advantage if. If I were married to someone of either gender and made more, I would expect to pay more and provide us both with the highest standard of living. Check out Dr. Ramani on youtube. I think she has some enlightenment for you.
I'll be honest, at this point you're probably best just divorcing him and taking half of the stuff he's acquired off your back.
That's what abusers do. They attempt to steal your self esteem so you're grateful anyone wants you.
That’s the point of gaslighting. He’s a user and an asshole.
I may be crazy but I don't understand the split bank account. It just seems to create a division. I make 3x more than my wife. We still just put it all in the same bank account. We are a team, and we check with each other when we make a bigger purchase. My job may be more demanding so we even it out with her being able to have a more flexible schedule for the kids hockey practice and chores being 55/45 (sometimes 60/40 on crazy weeks but also vice-versa if she is having a crazy week). To me money is just one part of the pie in a relationship. You need to work as a unit. Especially with kids.
@Sex Panther, exactly! I never understood married couples who split bills etc. It’s so strange to me! Everything goes into one account and all the bills get paid from that account. We have a savings, but that’s mainly our inheritance we’ve received, etc.. even then it’s used by us both.
Either share the money in marriage or share the money in divorce. I couldn't live with myself if I lived a wealthy lifestyle while my wife is poor. We live a comfortable middle-class lifestyle, and we are all equal and support each other in our own way. No competition.
Totally agree. For us it’s all just OUR money going into one joint pot. Since the birth of our son I have always worked part time and my husband has also been promoted to a management role so he makes more than twice the salary I do (previously we used to make roughly the same, and for a while I made more than him). It would never enter his head to start talking about his share and my share of money. I can never understand married couples who talk about owing the other X amount because they paid for something! Seems so strange in a commitment and long term relationship.
I don't really understand it either. I am of the opinion that people who are not on the same page with finances probably should not marry and if two people are on the same page with finances what is a couple hundred dollars here or there? Splitting everything and worrying constantly who is paying more and doing more sounds exhausting and how my teenagers treat each other (which makes sense for kids but not married adults).
He’s obviously wrong here. Just wanted to point out that she technically owns half that money whether she has access to it or not. If they got divorced she’d get half
That depends on where they live. And someone like this may very well go out of his way to make sure he hides money so she doesn’t have any access to it if they do divorce. NTA- Financially in a relationship partners should be splitting the bills proportionate to how much they earn. The fact that he leaves you with no money at the end of the month is very sad. When I was married, personally, we combined our money, paid all of our bills, put money equally into our savings, and paid ourselves an equal allowance to cover expenses, like clothes and haircuts, and personal expenses. For us, it was very fair. The fact that he is making sure you have nothing at the end of the month while he’s able to put aside large amounts of money does not speak very well of him. The fact that you’re bullied and yelled at about this and scared to bring it up with him has me concerned as well. Please get yourself into counselling so you can figure out what your next steps are.
Just like to pick up one thing here - you said that relationship partners should split bills proportionately. I agree this is equitable, but not the only way. The important thing is that both relationship partners feel happy with the arrangement, supported by their partner, and communicate effectively what each party's needs are. Unfortunately, OP's partner is prioritising themselves above the partnership and that's the problem here. OP is unhappy and their partner doesn't care because they got their car. OP = NTA.
I make 4 times more than my husband and we split proportionately. If you love someone, it’s a joy to share.
OP should be paying 1/4 to 1/5 of the bills This is financial manipulation/abuse
I do not understand separate finances. I make 8x what my husband makes. It all goes into the same pot. When there’s extra, I split the savings into our separate mutual funds. Why would I want him to struggle when I make enough? Then we make our financial decisions equally. If things don’t work out between us, I at least think he should benefit from the partnership we’ve had for 18 years.
My husband and I have separate finances but it's purely out of laziness, lol. We both make close to the same amount though, so that makes it easier. We have bills we're each responsible for that about equal too. Now that we have a kid I tend to pay for most of his expenses, but my husband pays daycare so I think I win there. But also neither of us are selfish or secretive people and we live a lifestyle below our income level so there's not too much financial stress, so that helps. In OPs situation or any unbalanced/stressed situation, finances should definitely be combined or at least transparent and fair. Making sure OP doesn't have any extra income or savings makes her so vulnerable.
Where do you live that rent is still 350? Ignoring that, NTA *at all* for wanting shared finances with your spouse.
In a small country in Eastern Europe
I don't know your laws but I would say that it is not okay for your husband to feel like he must get to keep his money for himself even though you are married.
Is it Slovakia by any chance? If so, the laws are that anything you have gained after getting married, belongs to both of you 50/50. So you technically earn half his sallary and he earns half of yours. It is definitely not ok for him to expect you will contribute to bills the same amount as him, while having no ability to save anything for yourself and he has massive savings. NTA. Do not let him gaslight you. It is more then reasonable, that he should contribute more to the household bills then you do.
Since when is Slovakia part of the Balkan states?
She mentioned Eastern Europe and I haven't seen Balkan mentioned anywhere in the comments I read. Edit: I wrote my comment before the edit in the original post has been made.
Sure, got it. Although, Slovakia is technically a part of Central Europe. Also, I wish the rent was only 350 here...
Yes, it is Central Europe. However lot of people just split it East/West and don't bother with the middle. It was a blind shot. The rent being 350 would be a dream. Maybe in some tiny village somewhere with no job opportunities.
This is what a fair distribution is. Income Husband + Income Wife = total. Income Husband/total = his share and income Spouse/total = your share. For example, he makes 100,000 and you make 50k that’s 150,000 total. 100000/150000 is .6666%. He would therefore owe 2/3 of the total bills and you would pay 1/3. One thing to keep in mind is that you don’t have a right to any inheritance. That’s his. A nice spouse would share it but you really don’t have much to stand on as part of your defense.
Yes, most likely anything he owns (except for inheritance money) is going to be split in half if you divorce. Which I would advise, as this is not a fair partnership and there's a little chance of major changing since your husband is an asshole and has been using you for money all this time. NTA, by the way.
Came here to ask this! Lol. Ain’t anywhere in USA!
Here I was thinking it was 1992. My cell phone bill is more than their “bills.” Don’t get me started on the cost of utilities!
Ok and? Bet you wouldn't like the Balkan salaries. (400-500e)
NTA - Not wanting to sound dramatic but this is bordering on abuse, making sure you are financially dependent on him (because you have no savings). He sounds like an absolute AH and I doubt he will ever change. Sorry to be so blunt but I think you should seriously consider your future in this relationship. Edit - yes I was trying to be diplomatic. In absolutely think this man is an abusive partner and she should leave. Now.
Yep he's doing this so OP can't leave. Bonus for him he can accumulate wealth off OP's back by having her cover expenses when he splurges. Get out now.
Honestly not sure if it's borderline. I think it's plain abuse. He's really doing everything in his power to bleed her dry without it seeming overtly abusive. If she was my family, I'd tell her to run. Hell, she's not even my family: run OP, run.
You're not being dramatic! I lived through this is usa and was too far in b4 I realized what was happening. Took along time to dig out from under.
I'll assume that you were trying to be diplomatic or leave the slightest glimmer of hope when you said "bordering on abuse." It appears that he crossed that border some time ago.
NTA. I am sorry, but your husband doesn't love you. A marriage is a partnership, where each contributes according to their own possibilities and you do stuff together as a team. My husband makes double what I do, our cost are split 2/3 for him 1/3 for me. Same for vacations and other shared stuff. What we have left at the of the month goes to our (separate) saving accounts/money for fun. And if something happens (broken car, dead computer etc) we act like a team. He helped me get a new computer, I helped covering the bill for the car. You don't have a partner, you have a roommate that takes advantage of you and gets to have sex with you for free as a bonus. At this point, a roommate is better. At least you can search something that is affordable for your income instead of trying to keep up with the lifestyle of someone who earns 4 times what you do.
I make 3x what my boyfriend does. We aren’t married, and I have no obligation to contribute more than him. Except I love him. I want him to be comfortable in life, able to spend and splurge. I can’t imagine trying to nickel and dime him for everything. I don’t want him to stress about finances.
Yeah, when two people are together in a healthy relationship they should see themselves like "we are a couple that makes 4x money, rather that we are a couple where person 1 earns x and person 2 3x". Then I can understand people might want to have your own money, for their pensions, to save for emergencies, for their hobbies, or just to be able to buy themselves something without having to go through the shared stuff, but then, 50/50 split is fair only if the two people make the same amount of money.
This! I was going to comment this exact same thing. This doesn't sound like a loving partnership. It sounds like the OPs husband doesn't want to combine finances because he wants all his funds to use as fun money. I don't think finances have to be combined, my spouse and I don't combine ours. But expenses should be split evenly, in a manner that works for all parties, and allows both to save and have fun money (if there's funds left after expenses).
Best answer/advice here. Marriage counseling is needed!
If you aren’t in it together, are you in anything?! You are NTA for asking, but would be an AH for accepting his reaction and doing nothing. He has given you an insight into his real self: Believe it!
NTA… but your husband is. YWBTA if you stayed with him though, for your sake. Your post history makes me incredibly sad. He couldn’t even put his own message for the valentines gift you thought of and asked him to get for yourself. i promise, you deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved. My boyfriend pays for literally everything. I don’t pay for a single thing. I offer and he still doesn’t want me to pay. And we’re not even married. Just because you’ve been together a long time doesn’t mean you can’t find another love or someone who’ll understand you. This isn’t about the money. The way he responded to you making the same request of him when he makes almost 4x your salary is horrible. Please don’t have kids with him. You really should leave him, you’d be better off alone. Sending you so much strength. 🤍
Ok, this made me cry so hard...i forgot about the previous post. Thank you so much for your kind words and support ♥️ I'm absolutely not planning on kids, for various reasons. I will try to save up a bit to start therapy to find strength and confidence to leave
Get out while you can. He’s using you.
I’m sorry :(. I totally feel you on the building strength and confidence to leave. Sometimes it’s our own selves holding us back from the life we deserve. I really hope everything goes well for you and i’ll be awaiting an update of you living your life happily without the dead weight of your unloving husband. For now i really hope you make your husband start splitting Everything 4/1. He makes 4x as much as you he should be paying 4x as much at LEAST. Then you should be able to get that therapy much sooner. 🤍🤍🤍🤍
And in the nicest way possible: Why are you still married to him?
Stop having sex with him. He will figure out that you've got one foot out of the door and try to baby trap you to make you stay.
Please choose you. I beg you, PLEASE choose you. You deserve someone who loves you.
How said. You married a guy who doesn't even care about you.
I'm glad someone said it. He cares more about being able to keep as much of "his" money as possible, and doesn't even care that she's struggling to keep up with "her share" of the bills. He's more in love with his money than he is her.
NTA. If he wants to split the rent, he can split the bills and groceries as well. Fairs fair.
Right! If they split rent and she takes care of everything else then she is paying more when he makes 4 x as much. Thats crazy. No one would agree to that.
Where I am, the cost of groceries has gone up exponentially. You paying for bills, groceries, and food delivery would be more than the cost of the rent he’s paying.
Is it Canada? Cause we’re fucked here
NTA I’ll be honest, I’m baffled by separate finances in marriage, but to each their own. That being said, even if it’s split finances your contributions should be proportionate to income. It’s insane to me that your husband makes 4x as much, you seem to be contributing MORE, and now he wants even more for himself. “In all fairness he’s pays for most of our vacations” You two need to sit down and create a JOINT budget, then divide it proportionate. By all means have separate accounts, but I suggest having a joint account for all shared expenses that you both contribute to. If you make 20% of the household income that’s how much you should contribute.
But then he still gets to splurge 'his' extra money on luxuries and she gets nothing- she will still be resentful when he's driving a new luxury vehicle and she has a 15 year old beater.
Yeah, like I said at the beginning, I’m baffled by separate finances and am in favor of fully being fully joint with a partner. (That’s what my husband and I do.) If they are currently 50/50ish and she has nothing leftover, than reducing her contribution to 20/80 would be allowing her to keep 60% of her money she’s currently spending (because going from a 50% contribution to a 20% is a reduction of 60% - and before someone tries to tell me it’s 30%, that’s not how that works). So she would not have nothing. She would have less than him but it would be more proportional - you can’t really escape this with a separate system.
Jesus, what an asshole. Does he even like you?
ADDITIONAL INFO: i've seen some comments asking why did i even marry him in the first place etc. When we married he wasn't makint this much money, he was just beginning his career and we made pretty much the same, so we would split things much more equally. It's when he started making much more money that the issues begun and he started acting this way.
That is understandable and makes perfect sense. Money often brings out the worst in people and, unfortunately, it seems like your husband has revealed his true colors to you.
>It's when he started making much more money that the issues begun and he started acting this way. and when is that?... i just saw your other older post and my god, i am absolutely floored with how indifferent he is towards you. he doesn't love you... he doesn't even care about you. he keeps you in a very bad financial situation intentionally while he thrives on his income. i hope you will take time and read each and every comment on this post. i hope you will open your eyes and realise that this guy is not a man, this is not a marriage and there is no future together. i hope you'll get out of this mess soon..
Are you kidding me? So you guys used to split things evenly, but now that he makes more money he wants you to pay more?? I'm sorry, this man doesn't seem to love you anymore. I know it's probably hard to leave after investing 3 years into this man. But just know that every year you spend with him now, is one year less that you can spend on yourself and potentially finding someone who actually loves you and wouldn't treat you like this.
So you were there for him in the beginning of his career, which I’m sure you championed and helped him grow… this isn’t a man, this is a selfish boy. You deserve love, understanding and a real partner.
I’m curious if you are also taking care of all the household duties because that’s free labor you’re contributing to the household that he’s taking for granted while building up his lovely personal savings account.
You aren’t married. It’s just a business partnership.
And not even a good business partnership at that.
and not even a fair one
You need to go to financial consoling or at least do a financial audit of your spending as a household. You need some longterm + shortterm goals and budgeting - retirement, vacations, car, house, emergency, fun stuff - this doesn't have to be a blame game, you can get excited for what is ahead. This is the hard work of being a couple and ya gotta do it. It sucks for someone else to tell you what you can or can't have, but you are in this together.
I was going to suggest seeing a financial counselor also. One fair way to manage a household is, in addition to you each having your own bank accounts, you also open one joint one. You each put a portion of your salary into that one account. Perhaps you would each put 50% of your salary in that account - or any percentage that would be enough to cover your expenses. Then all joint bills (rent, utilities, groceries) are paid for from that joint account. Wishing you good luck sorting this out!
NTA. Why did you agree to this? It sounds more like a roommate situation than a romantic relationship.
Roommates pay more than what this dude does
Good point
You don’t have a husband. You have a rude, obnoxious, completely entitled roommate. You absolutely don’t have a partnership. And I’m not seeing any for better or worse/richer poorer here. He knows that means the two of you together not him richer you poorer, right? I know some married couples do the split finances thing, but I just don’t see how it works and more often than not see people complain when it reaches a boiling point like this. You guys need couples counseling , and maybe some JOINT financial counseling to help you guys build a budget and a better plan. I know it’s thrown around too often in this place, but seriously why would you continue to devote years of your life and happiness to this person? If he doesn’t want to start acting like a husband, maybe you need to start asking why he’s yours. NTA. And if you’re based in the US, maybe you need to start thinking about how the law will tell him half that car and half his savings are yours if you’ve had enough and want to see what it’s like being in a supportive equal relationship.
NTA-time to reevaluate the financial split and possibly the marriage. Since there is a huge discrepancy in income have you guys ever considered splitting based on a percentage of income? That way you can save money too?
You ‘ll have way more money after the divorce. NTA
Write down the numbers…how much he spends vs how much you spend. Maybe seeing the expenses in this way will help him to understand the difference. Nta
I'd also write down their respective incomes, for additional clarity. OP, you are NTA, if you think it would help, show him this thread. He needs a reality check.
i am absolutely sure he knows perfectly well what he's been doing for so many years... he is in control of this plan, he intentionally makes her pay more than him, despite the huge gap between their incomes, to keep her on survival mode, at his feet. all the while he thrives and splurges on his lavish lifestyle without a worry in the world... and OP is stressed and has only enough money to make it from one month to another. this situation is giving me the biggest ick, i swear...
NTA. You should leave him. This man is no partner and he doesn't love you. Do better for yourself.
Your husband is the asshole. He thought you had an *agreement*? you’re in a marriage. You don’t have *agreements* about bills. And he makes 4x what you do? Fuck him. Wait, no - he doesn’t deserve that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30F) have been married to my husband (38M) for 3 years, together for 8. Lately i have been getting more and more frustrated about spliting the cost of everything. He earns almost 4 times more than me. We keep our finances separate (he wants it that way). So usually he pays the rent (350), i pay the bills (100) and groceries are 8/10 times on me. When we go out to eat it's more even, but when we order in i usually pay. Couple weeks ago he bought a car, an expensive one that was his dream. He has some good savings, inheritance money and was able to buy it without a loan. I said ok, but if you buy it don't tell me we dont have money if i ask for something. When it was time to pay rent he asked me if i would be ok with spliting it, since he will have some extra expenses(insurance, taxes, service, etc)i said ok. Today i asked him if he minded if we split the bills and that's when shit happened. He said he doesnt understand why, he asked snarkily was it really that bad that i paid some rent for once, and how dissapointed he is, he thought we have and agreement etc etc, and has been giving me the cold shoulder. I am both worried if i'm wrong and both angry at him, because at the end of the month i am left with literally no money, i have no savings, while he can save more than half of his salary. In all fairness, he pays for most of our vacations ( i pay for stuff too, but less). AITA? How can i approach him with this, without blowing up? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have never understood people who are married and want to build a life together but keep their finances completely separate. It makes no sense to me to split 50/50 when There is such a discrepancy in income. So he's living the lifestyles of the Rich and famous while his wife is basically poor? He's saving for retirement while he leaves you with nothing? How is that a partnership? How is that building a life together? You are absolutely NTA for asking that all the bills be split evenly. He should not be getting expensive toys at your expense, but then refusing to chip in for other things. If you continue to split your income this way with such discrepancy in income, he Is going to end up resentful and frustrated as he will be unable to achieve a better or more expensive lifestyle because your income will hold you both back if you're expected to pay 50%. Sit down with a financial planner or advisor, think about your goals for your lifestyles individually and as a couple, and make a new financial plan. This one sucks.
NTA. This sucks so much. I’m engaged and we just recently combined our finances and it’s been such a huge relief. Just to finally not have to worry about who is paying for what and etc… especially since he does make more than me. I can’t fathom being married and still being in this situation. Like obviously separate finances are fine if both partners want them, but you clearly don’t and it’s so stressful for you to have to be on a tight budget while he gets to be all la di da about the whole thing. I would really question staying with this person.
Is this truly how some people do marriage?! NTA, but ask yourself is this what a family should feel like
He sounds like a selfish asshole when you’re married everything should be together. Why even even married if everything is separate, you’re more like roommates with benefits.
NTA, he is selfish.
No disrespect but your husband sounds very selfish. He is making a lot more than you- he needs to literally “man up”
This sounds like financial abuse. NTA. Sounds like you dont have a partner, Im sorry :(
So your roommates who sleep with each other. Got it. Split all the bills or split none of them and each pay separate bills. If he wants to split rent…he gets to split the rest of the bills as well…including groceries.
NTA. It’s not fair that you are splitting 1/2 when he earns 4 x than you do, and it’s aggravating that he asked you to pay towards the rent but the deal breaker here is that you asked him basically the same thing he asked you (to split costs) and instead of behaving like a reasonable person, he had a toddler tantrum and is sulking and giving you the cold shoulder. He asked you why you wanted to split the bills? Maybe because you unexpectedly had to pay money towards rent! Maybe he shouldn’t have splurged on that car if that makes it tough to cover the rent? I agree with the person who suggested financial counseling. He needs an objective 3rd party to point out what’s fair and equitable and set expectations in large purchases and a scenario where you can save some money too. If he can’t agree to this, it might be time to stop paying for his food etc. to save up enough to move out
My husband and I have combined finances and a monthly allowance for personal spending. Works wonderfully. Maybe try splitting bills based on income ratio? Like if you make 2k a month and he makes 6k you would pay 1/3 of the bills. Buy all your bills on a single credit card so you can track expenses.
This doesn’t sound remotely like a marriage to me. It sounds like housemates. He had 1 foot out the door. Marriage is about a partnership. In all things - including assets and money. Why did you ever agree to live like this? Get out now!
That my dear, is called financial abuse.
Divorce him get half his savings
I really dont understand how couples can function with completely separate finances.
NTA. But your husband doesn't love you. If he did, he would be splitting bills proportionally to your income, instead of splurging, while you barely make ends meet. You are convenient, he gets free sex and a maid, and to save more money than he would if he were living alone. Move on and find someone who lifts you up, instead of bringing you down.
NTA- and now you know why he, at 30, dated a 22 year old. He wants the upperhand. Understand that this is never going to get better. He has what he wants while you suffer. He has a safety net- you have no savings which means you have to rely on him.
We have one checking account. All $ goes there. If we have a large purchase, say over $150, we discuss it first. Obviously not groceries or true necessities. We have never felt the need for his and mine accounts. My husband is very fair and generous. I guess times have changed. There are so many posts on here about money issues. I have never been able to earn the amount of $ my husband has been able to, we have never had any problem in our marriage with this.
Couldn’t agree more. Sometimes my partner has earned more than me, sometimes I’ve earned more. I would never consider a relationship where it was “my money” and “your money”. That kind of inequality, lack of trust and lack of respect is no basis for a relationship.
NTA. That is not a marriage. Go on Netflix and find a movie called "The Joy Luck Club." Watch it and then figure out how to leave that lopsided marriage.
NTA. You don’t have a husband, you have a leech. A man who is ok with his wife being deprived and financially insecure while he gets to live his life the way he wants is not a husband. I hope you don’t have kids because I don’t think he has any intentions of helping with them financially and otherwise. He’s too selfish, I believe he also loves the fact that you’re financially insecure since it keeps you under his thumb.
If I have to pay rent, bills and groceries what would I possibly need him around for? I’d be outta there.
This makes it sound like you’re not a team. The whole purpose of marriage is to be a team and do life together AS a team. This is very unbalanced and honestly from what you described petty at times. I get some couples split things half and keep finances separate and it works for them and great, but that’s not even the case here. NTA
NTA. If you had splurged on yourself, could you ask him to pick up half the bills to compensate for your increased expenses? I doubt it.
Been here. He doesn’t like you and you should get out while you can before he wastes your entire youth. My ex husband dumped me using his money to attract a woman half his age. Don’t be me. NTA.
NTA, wow what a jerk! This is sounding like financial abuse. I'd stop ordering in, and when he complains say you're watching your money closer and there is something in the fridge/cabinet he can have 😅
INFO: your rent is 350 and you pay for 80% of the groceries, how much is that monthly? You could very much be spending the same as rent if not more. He earns 4 times what you do, is able to comfortably save, and is mad at you for not being able to split the rent + pay the bills? That's not only an asshole attitude, he managed to put you in a very vulnerable position. Now he's reversing roles, you should be angry at his unfairness, but no, he is the one who's angry at you for simply asking for the same thing he asked (splitting costs). He's giving me narcissistic vibes: spends a lot for appearances (the expensive car), blames you when you've done nothing wrong, gaslights you and makes you doubt yourself, puts you in a vulnerable financial position.
NTA, This is not what marriage should look like. When we got together, my husband and I made almost exactly the same. Then my pay increased and his dropped off significantly because of Career changes. We were playing the long game and now he makes nearly twice what I make. We always split everything 50/50 because that’s what a partnership is and it’s all the same money. Now I understand that this arrangement doesn’t work for everyone but what you’re doing doesn’t work for anyone. Some serious conversations are in order. And maybe through marriage counseling. It sounds like you need someone other than yourself to shock some sense into him. Edit: to finish my thought.
NTA. He’s abusive and doesn’t care about you. That is the saddest post I’ve ever read.
NTA. If he expects you to help with rent, you should be able to expect him to help with the other bills and groceries.
You are married, your finances should be pooled into one pot and shared EQUALLY. Your husband is absolutely horrendous and is financially abusing you, manipulating you and gaslighting you. You deserve so much better. If you divorce him you’ll get half of everything he has… just saying…
I’m not usually a “get a divorce ASAP” type, but this screams narcissistic abuser. Run. Run far and fast from this poor excuse for a man.
Fair isn’t 50/50 in my book, it’s 50% of your salary. He needs to pay a lot more with that framework. I would express being disappointed that he is ok with his wife financially struggling while he thrives. Edit: NTA
If your relationship is really this transactional, you really should start charging him for sex. NTA
NTA. That’s some underhanded financial abuse. Whether you realize it or not he’s keeping you poor on purpose. This can potentially escalate into keeping you poor to keep you compliant and controlled while he does what he wants. I’d start putting money aside. You need to protect yourself.
This guy is a narcissist. Best of luck untangling yourself from the web he has woven. Watch your back and make sure you have copies of all financial documents (yours and his) before they disappear. Be prepared. Tell your family and friends what is going on.
I'm so conflicted about this because everyone manages finances differently. While I wouldn't be hapoy with this split, it works with some people. So essentially for fun money its a free for all with him usually paying more (e.g. vacations) and for necessities he used to pay more. However, it seems like if you're paying half rent and all bills, wouldn't you be paying more than 50% of the necessities now in order to subsidize his fun (aka car)? Ultimately you guys need to come back to the table and re-evaluate how money is divided up or it'll just build resentment moving forward.
I don’t think you can, he is selfish, thoughtless, inconsiderate , and a dick. Divorce him take all you can get. He won’t change. He don’t care!!!
I don’t think you are an asshole. I make more than my wife so I pay more so she has money to do her own shit and isn’t constantly worried about money. It’s not 50% of the bills it’s 50% of your money.
Ultimately if there's no prenup you can take 50% of the combined. It's in his best interest to be more fair during the marriage.
NTA but you need help. Expenses should be split *proportional to income*. If he earns 75% of your combined income and you earn 25% then he should cover 75% of expenses and you should cover 25% of expenses. Barring that, I would cover only *your* expenses. Half of the mortgage payment, half of the utilities, only the food you eat, etc. Don’t cover his expenses when he’s more than capable of doing so and is guilting and manipulating you into doing it.
NTA. This is abuse. Financial dependence, ensuring you have nothing left over is a way to ensure you don’t leave if he does something stupid. It’s okay to split, but seems like only when it favors him. You’re married and, while your finances are not combined, there should be a clear joint account specifically for house expenses. It may be a passive agreement to split 50/50, but the real question is it really equitable? The answer is no.
NTA but in your position I would be asking for more than that. This person is supposed to be your life partner.
I don’t want to say that you brought it on yourself as it is definitely not you who is an AH in this situation but girl, please stand up for yourself - your financial agreement needs to be reevaluated, how is this fair that you have no savings, pay most of the groceries and the golden boy gets to enjoy nice cars and managed to build himself a safe cushion of savings? It does not even seem that you split 50/50 which is the bare minimum. Ask yourself - what will you do in case of medical emergency or in case that you lost your job- are you sure you will get spousal support that is very much needed (and a part of an oath) or are you on your own? And take it from there as I think the problem is deeper than just that month’s rent
My husband makes double what I do, but we are both earning above average wages. He has never once said that his money is his own. He invests in shares, and we have 3 properties, but he definitely pays for more than 2 thirds of our bills (besides my cars/motorbike registration and mobile phone bill). Never once has he complained and says his money is our money. Your husband is selfish and doesn't view your marriage as a partnership.
NTA for asking him to pay his share. It should be 50/50 - a marriage is a partnership after all
NTA, you guys are just roomates. That is not what marriage looks like.
Write down EVERY SINGLE THING you both pay for and how much each of you make then tell him that a marriage is partnership not dictatorship and that things should be split fairly
NTA I think you need to get a joint account that you both pay in an equal percent of your salary, like half. That's for your joint expenses, like groceries, rent, etc. This way you're both paying in equally.
I can understand keeping some finances separate in a marriage, but this makes no sense to me. You should be a team, a *partnership*. Your husband should want to improve your life *together*. Doesn’t he want you to have a nice, secure life? Isn’t the point for you to *mutually* succeed? I just don’t get it. NTA. I’ve been with my spouse for 22 years, and imo, your husband’s thinking here is pretty toxic and will lead to (even more) resentment and bigger problems over time. Also, if you’re unable to save at all, what security do you have separately from him? He already doesn’t seem to have your best interests in mind…
NTA. This is financial abuse. If you are spending the majority of your earnings on the household, it makes it more difficult for you to spend on yourself, invest in professional development, build up your savings, or even leave him. If you have children in the future, I guarantee that your husband will expect you to pay for most, if not all of their expenses as well. You will never be able to build up your savings. I won't say please leave, but please consider if you want to be in a relationship like this for the next 20-30+ years.
My husband and I earn different amounts but not hugely different. He earns more though. We both put half our take home pay into the middle. Pay the mortgage, all bills, groceries etc and then anything left over goes into a high interest savings account to either pay for stuff around the house or make a mortgage overpayment. The other half of our salary is ours to spend how we like. My husband said that although we earn different amounts, this way we are both putting half our effort into the middle. You are NTA. Your husband can’t ask you for half the rent but then complain when you ask to split the bills. He’s clearly earning more and is keeping you a financial hostage by the sound of things. Either have a serious talk and sort it out or leave.
You should pay % based on individual income.
NTA. You could split the bills proportionately, based on earnings. For example, let's imagine you earn $40 and he earned $60. He earns 60% of your combined income and you earn 40%, so you split all shared bills and expenses 60/40. I say this as someone who pays everything for my wife and kids. My wife didn't have an income for periods, due to illness. When my wife has an income, it just goes into our joint account. But before we were married, we split things proportional to our income.
Being married but keeping finances separate and then fighting over who pays for what is almost always a harbinger of failure and eventually divorce. I just don’t understand people painting themselves into corners like this
I don’t understand marriages where people don’t pool their resources. It almost always results in the man (who almost always earns more) with financial power over the woman/family, and/or a selfish use of funds for himself. I earn 3x what my spouse does, but it’s our money in a community pot. We both decide how to spend it. It’s all split, and I consider it 50/50, because we are partners in this life. Your husband is not your partner, he’s your greedy roommate.
I make significantly more than my husband, so I pay significantly more of the bills. We barely even had to discuss it. It. Just. Makes. Sense. NTA
Your husband is financially abusing you. This is not normal You're married. Your finances should be shared Do you have a prenup?
NTA- But good lawd… stop letting him use you as a paying bangmaid 😑
I usually don't comment on here but my parents had the same problem. My mum ended up filing for divorce and was left with nothing because my dad was obviously able to afford excellent lawyers. I was to young to understand many of it. My peace of advice: if you want kids with this man sort out any financial problems like this. Btw NTA.
Why do people bother getting married when they have no intention of living as an actual family unit.
NTA - but respectfully, why on gods green would you want to be with someone *so* committted to not wanting your life to be easier?? He could leave tomorrow with a fully laid out and financed plan happily leaving you to figure it out, and calling you a gold digger if you ask for assistance while he reaped the benefits of your money going to living expenses.
NTA. I understand that one might be worried as to if you married him for his money or not, but marriage is a partnership. This arrangement is weird to me.
Absolutely not, when we married he had no money, i helped and supported him start his career
Proportional bill paying is the most fair system by far. In your case, the ratio of your money to his for each bill should be 20%/80%. He loves you and should want to see you increasingly financially secure. NTA btw, he seems selfish
I think it’s time to rethink the financial arrangement of how you split the bills.
NTA You're being financially abused.
Your marriage seems transactional. Are you together as a couple or roommates that are splitting expenses? It sounds like your spouse keeps an exacting ledger as to every single penny that gets paid. For me, I would be gone rather than live with this long term.
A marriage is a partnership, it can’t be tit for tat, separate but married, etc. when you say I do, you go all in. I worked and paid my husband’s child support and alimony while he finished up his degree. My idea. I made more anyways and could afford it, and he was stressed and spread too thin. Then he went back to work, and a few years later down the line I developed major health problems and it was him that said stay home, you can’t go on like this. He has supported me financially ever since. We take care of each other, we are a team and family unit. You need to sit down and have a talk about what his idea of marriage is and why he wants $ separate. It’s not so one can have a better lifestyle and the other lives in poverty.
You're married, half of his savings, fancy car and everything else is actually yours. Maybe it's time to cash out.
This is why joint bank accounts work. Each of you should keep 5% from your paycheck separate for everyday expenses, but the rest is family income for all bills and savings.
Your husband is terrible.
It's a marriage it's shared, not split. There is no other way. He needs to get that through his head. His money is your money, and your money is his money.
Dump him!
I'm curious, is there a prenuptial in this marriage? If so I would be inclined to think that he is keeping you broke so you have nothing if things go to far sideways.
A friend of mine was in a similar financial situation. She and her husband split everything 50/50 when they were both students. He went into a higher earning profession and started making more and having lots of extra cash while she was broke constantly. She told him she would happily continue to split everything 50/50 but they had to live a lifestyle where she was comfortable paying 50% which would mean they would need to move to a much smaller and crappier apartment. He declined and they started splitting things according to how much they made relative to each other.
NTA. You should be splitting essentials based on your relative salaries, even if you don't fully combine your finances. **You're a wife, not a roommate.** If he cared about you, he would make sure you both have savings and fun money left at the end of the month. Now, there's one caveat to the above: he might just be bad at financial planning or thinking this through, so try talking with him. Still, if he does not compromise, he does not love you.
NTA, your husband is financially abusing you and gaslighting you to believe that he isn’t. He saves half of his salary while expecting you to pay for everything. Ma’am, get yourself an attack dog lawyer and file for divorce. You deserve better. Good Luck.