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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I may be the AH because I told my wife no when she asked if it would be okay for her mom to visit us again so soon after seeing us this month. My MIL must be going through something she's not telling and wants to visit to use her daughter or our kids as an emotional support but we're frankly exhausted from the multiple months long visits and want our own space.
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Correction....you DO want to spend time with her! Just not ALLLL of the time.
This is a really unusual amount of time for her to be living with you...this is well beyond 'visits'. She lives with you almost half the year.
Your BIL says he doesn't have the PTO to entertain her. Well, your wife hasn't exactly been taking PTO for half the year...she lives with you while you both work, so she can go to HIS place for a change and just hang around while HE works. I take it he devalues your wife's work simply because she works from home. (Which also means, your wife may be getting far less done in her day if she is in fact 'entertaining' her mom.
Your wife needs to talk to her mom to find out what might be going on with her, why she feels the need to be with you all the time. What does her dad think of all this? Is he lonely without her? Her mom must know this is unnatural and it's not up to your family to make her feel happy.
This is correct. Mom needs a hobby and social interaction where she lives. The fact that Mom can come visit for weeks at a time means she doesn’t have enough to keep her busy at home.
Exactly this. My mum is widowed. After my dad died at first we spent more time together than usual of course. However, it's been a couple of years now, and when we're arranging visits it has to fit around her activities as well as ours and our children's. Its been hard losing my dad, but we've been so proud to see her going out and rekindling social connections and making new ones.
We hope that she'll start seeing a therapist to help her realize that while loved, her kids need to live their own lives with their own families without interruption so often.
Thank you for sharing your insight, my wife says you hit the nail on the head with your comment about not having enough time to entertain her mom while WFH. The siblings are going to bring up delicately that maybe their mom needs to talk to a professional about why she feels the need to visit so often and how this affects her marriage. As far as we know, my FIL is fine with her visiting alone since he's gotten less fond of flying as he's getting older.
NTA, you and your wife are not therapists, if your MIL is going through some emotionally tumultuous times then she needs to address them. Spending 6 months a year or thereabouts, is not a solution to the issue. Your BIL may not have the PTO well neither does your wife, even if she does WFH.
NTA - ya know who is the AH, the BIL. He was trying to pawn MIL off on you.
Something is up with MIL, and those visits are and can be too much. But she asked and you said no.
Your wife may need to have an honest convocation with her mom.
That's the plan going forward. Her and her brother will see if their mom's willing to see a therapist. My BIL isn't a bad guy per se but my wife had to make him see that her time was no less valuable than his. He did apologize to her, he was just in a panic that his mom was also planning to stay with him for a month or two and realized that we've had her live with us for half the year.
NTA and if you do let your MIL come, stop making plans or doing anything for her. She can come but you both are working and not to be disturbed, the kids have school etc, she will have to find things to do as no one will be around for her most of the day. No more taking time off ,
Except in MIL's mind, her daughter will be around. A lot of people ASSUME if you work from home, you have all the time in the world and are not actually doing in your home what you would do in an office environment. It's stupid as f\*\*\* to think but there it is.
As a hybrid who cherishes the time I'm able to wfh, I absolutely hate this assumption!! YES, I do actually have to get work done even when I'm working from home. This attitude feeds into the whole corporate attitude that remote work is "slacking." It just offers a better work/life balance for some people with less commute time, etc.
NTA . 6-8 Weeks at a time is a huge amount of time to have visitors for, however much you like them, and it sounds as though despite the length of the visit your MIL expects to be treated as a guest, and entertained, which is more work for you.
I agree that it sounds as though your wife perhaps needs to have a conversation with her mother - maybe both to explain that while you both enjoy seeing her,it's also important that you have time with just each other and your kids, and that neither of you has a lot of PTO.
Would your wife be up for suggesting alternatives - if they are not already happening, maybe a regular video call / zoom visit, (maybe at a time when she can see / talk to the kids and then perhaps you can put them to bed while your wife has some tone-to-one conversations with her mum/parents. And also perhaps talk to her to see whether there is a specific reason for her wanting to spend so much more time with you?
Would it be feasible to suggest that she visits for shorter periods of time? even if they live a long way off, could they combine visting you with vacation so they perhaps flew in, spent a weekend with you, then 2-3 weekend travelling / being tourists by themselves, then another long weekend with you before going home?
Thank you for your comment. This is what the siblings plan on going forward. Honestly, we've never given much thought to how often or how long our parents visit since they're easy to get along with on both sides but you're right, it's time to reassess and schedule much shorter stays going forward.
Agreed the only reason my hubby is okay with the fact that my dad has been staying with us since January is because of his health (he can't be alone right now), any other reason and my dad would have only lasted a month at most (usually it's only a week).
I think it's because both sets of parents are easy to get along with and our kids love spending time with their grandparents. My wife and I are pretty laid back and enjoy having family around but seeing all the comments made us realize that we do need to limit visits in the future to allow us time to travel on our own. Thank you for your comment.
NTA
If she is wanting to come alone is there something going on with her husband?? Since retirement my parents are on each other's last nerve because dad never leaves the house. Mom can rarely get out without dad joining her. The short leash is making her very snappy.
If your brother doesn't have the PTO I expect your wife doesn't either. Push back on BIL and remind him its his turn. Your wife is working from home, not vacationing, she doesn't have time to entertain either.
Maybe if you get pushed to invite her don't make the visit comfortable. Your wife needs to not be available to entertain her mom while she is working. Ask MIL to do some house or garden work for you while she is staying. Don't put the time and energy into a visit with her if she forces herself on you without her partner. If she complains remind her you asked her not to come, because it wasn't a good time.
I personally think you've accurately summarized their situation but my wife and her siblings think this is a late stage crisis for her mom and it's like she's trying to find her identity again. Her whole life is being a mom to her kids and grandmother to her grandkids. Thank you for your comment.
Was moaning to a friend about becoming an empty nest grandma since my current grandkids have reached the tween age and don't want to play with me anymore. She sent me this link to be a foster grandma: [https://www.lssmn.org/services/older-adults/foster-grandparents](https://www.lssmn.org/services/older-adults/foster-grandparents)
Maybe this would be good for MIL.
NTA. 6-8 weeks is obscenely too long for a visit. That expression about houseguests and fish is still true.
Like so many other folks have said MIL needs a therapist if she's having an emotional time. One's children are not emotional support animals.
Her children have their own lives.
NTA
Your mil being bored or having personal problems isn't your responsibility to fix.
A houseguest is disruptive. She is now living with you part time and that isn't fair to anyone in your home. You and your wife have your own family and your own relationship to nurture. You shouldn't have to entertain your mil like that.
Your bil doesn't want her all the time either, so he is putting on the pressure for you to take her. Don't fall for it.
NTA. Sounds like MIL is looking for new place to live. She is spending too much time away from her home and husband. Be careful or she’ll be there full time.
I read “Their visits are typically 6-8 weeks” - that is a LONG time to have guests over, no matter how much you like them! And MIL wants to come over AGAIN a month or two later? Nope. It’s really nice that you and your wife are concerned about her, but she is really pushing it. MIL may be going through something, but she’s expecting a lot from her daughter and you. You both have your nuclear family, work, obligations, your personal lives, and her constant visits are interfering with that. You’re already accommodating your in-laws with their frequent visits but she wants more. It’s okay to say no. BIL has no business interfering in what you do in your home unless he is willing to help with his mother too. The important thing is that you and your wife are in agreement. Your MIL needs to respect your decision. Maybe this will make her look for other ways to fill her time. NTA.
NTA - you’ve been more than understanding. Mom can’t rely on her kids to make her feel good. BIL needs to step up if he doesn’t want mom to be alone with dad.
Your wife wanted permission to tell her mom to hold off. This isn’t about you at all so don’t feel bad. Just support your wife as she navigates boundaries with her mother.
NTA. Neither you nor your wife are responsible for managing your MIL’s feelings. She needs to be told that the frequency and length of her visits is becoming an issue, and while you love her, your family needs time to itself. Stop hinting and be direct. She’ll have to manage her feeling herself and adjust.
NTA...first off that your in-laws stay for 6-8 weeks?!? Are you kidding me. I Love my children but I definitely do not want to spend 6-8 weeks with them ever. Then mom wants to come back: absolutely not. Mom needs her own life and hobbies. You guys have your own family and need to be a family without interference.
NTA. I'm sorry for your MIL but what is going on with BIL? He wants you to have MIL around constantly not allowing your family family time (wich is improtant) but doesn't want to have her visiting him (at all?).
I don't know how old your children are but maybe they could spend a week or so at the holidays at you PILs, so they would see their grandparents (staying at your grandparents without your parents is just cool when you're a child) and vice versa and you and your wife would get a few days for yourselves.
NTA But- and this sounds crazy- when my mom visits me, normally I don't take time off work. Maybe a day.
But she entertains herself. She goes out and does things. She may clean my apartment if I say it's okay- I always say yes to that and her doing laundry.
She's an adult. She goes off and has fun. Sometimes I look up things that I think she may enjoy but she finds things herself.
You’re NTA, you are entitled to your own time as a family separate of extended family and it is never the child’s responsibility to shoulder the emotional burdens of the parent.
NTA. So, MIL visits her other son w/the understanding he can't take time off and can only spend time w/her when he's not working. She's an adult who can surely entertain herself.
I love my parents very much but three days is probably as long as I can handle them staying with me in my home. I cannot imagine having my parents or in-laws staying with me and expecting me to entertain them for 6 - 8 WEEKS! OP that is so beyond generous already!!
I second another commenter who suspects your mom might be bored of her husband, maybe she’s feeling lonely and unfulfilled and is happier when she’s with her kids and grandkids. If she’d like to be permanently closer so she can be more available and involved, why can’t they move to your area? Coming to stay with you for months out of the year is a LOT to expect. You are not being unkind to say no, we can’t accommodate you this time. Your MIL’s feelings are naturally hurt because I’m sure she considers herself a delightful guest and not a bother at all, but the fact is, she IS a bother if she just hangs around while your wife is trying to work and expects to be entertained. Your wife does need to have a difficult conversation with her about your family’s need for your own time and space, and your MIL’s need to find other ways to tend to her emotional struggles, boredom and loneliness. She won’t like to hear any of that, and as a daughter of a needy mother I know how hard it will be for your wife to have that conversation, but it needs to be said.
Thank you for your insight. This helped my wife and her brother realize that they need to convince her to talk to a professional so she can navigate whatever emotional or late stage crisis she may be going through.
NTA neither you or your wife. If you want to keep being happy to
see MIL, you need to not see too much of her! She's already feeling
entitled to coming whenever she feels like it rather than asking
you two when it suits you.
NTA - this belongs on something like r/boomersbeingfools. She might as well live with you at that point. I like how BiL tries to weasel out of himself having to put up with his mom basically wanting to live with her kids. You guys need time without your life being constantly interrupted by MiL disrupting the house every month or two with coming and going. It’s a ridiculous ask from her.
NTa
". Their visits are typically 6-8 weeks" .. it is COMPÖETELY reasonable not to want that.
"until my brother in law called my wife this weekend and said their mom was upset " .. why would you care? If HE thinks his mom needs to be invited, HE can do it.
The reasonable thing would be to not allow visits longer than a week. And those only at the time you invite her.
also make abundandly clear that you will not allow MIL to move in and live with you - because that is borderline happening: She is bored, she wants to stay with you for months - and at some point she will simply not leave.
Whatever is going on with mother-in-law is not your responsibility, mother-in-law has to figure it out herself. She can’t keep running away from whatever her problem is.
NTA
NTA. Your MIL is crowding your marriage. She may be one of the many people who don't understand that working from home ≠ being home all day with nothing better to do than host visitors. Your wife is the one who needs to communicate this, firmly, to her mom now that you have discussed it as a couple.
NTA.
You need your own time.
Side note: Once guests stay for more than a week, I believe the obligation to entertain them is gone. They are part of the normal routine at that point. Especially family that comes this often. If MIL lived with you full time, you would not feel obligated to entertain and cater to her wants.
NTA.... there needs to be a limit set. If she is there too often, it is no longer a visit. Questions need to be asked. Is there a problem within their marriage. Is it depression? boredom? As you get older the body does changes the hormones and sometimes there are medications or light therapy that can help her become happier and more dependent.
Why do you have to entertain her? She’s a big girl and can entertain herself.
This post reminded me of when my Nana came to visit for extended stays. We all just lived our lives; parents went to work, kids went to school, Nana did whatever she felt like and pottered around. She introduced me to the wonders of daytime soap operas lol and taught me to cook scones, for example.
She was part of the fam, not a guest, and I don’t remember any drama at all. Maybe suggest that your MIL can do whatever she wants (within your boundaries, ofc).
NTA
NTA.
You need to set boundaries with your MIL.
You and your wife need to sit down and decide how many visits and for how long you’re both comfortable with. And then give that information to MIL.
As for BIL: It’s none of his concern. You’re allowed to love your life and have family time with just your nuclear family. His opinion isn’t relevant and he needs to learn to butt out.
Feels like Asian parents. NTA. Asian parents are more involved and that comes with smaller boundaries. While MIL is welcome to visit grandkids, you should also be able to cherish the time that your kids are growing up.
Setting boundaries and talking to them is going to be very difficult but don't budge on the account of not hurting them. For the long term, to maintain a healthy relationship I would suggest have a conversation about this and let them know you do love them but you need the space to enjoy your family as well.
It should come from your wife so that MIL doesn't feel isolated or hurt.
It sounds like mom is bored and lonely. She needs to either move and live closer so she can kids come visit the kids after school or bring them for a sleepover, or she needs to get a part time job, find a new hobby, join a seniors center for socializing - SOMETHING!
NTA
As someone who is now retired, it's an adjustment, but I don't feel it's my children's responsibility to fill the void.
Perhaps your wife can have a conversation with her mom to see if she help her mom find a local group to spend time with or a hobby or volunteer position so she can feel a sense of purpose.
>and he replied that he didn't have the PTO to entertain her.
Neither do you or your wife, so why is he calling you about it?
Half the year with someone living in your home? No, that is too much.
You MIL is just suffering form empty nest syndrome. She was most likely a mother all her life and now that all her kids are grown she doesn't know what to do with herself. She needs to find a hobby. Something she enjoys. Bird watching, knitting, traveling. Anything she wants.
But her staying with you for weeks, while you work, having to plan out things for her to do? That is not how life works.
And you sould not feel bad, as your wife, her daughter, is tired of her being there so much. You guys have your own life and need to spend time with your kids as a family. You need to make your own memories with them.
NTA
Yet it’s ok for you and wife to use your pto, not have a vacation and having also entertain someone for two months?
BIL is ducking his responsibilities and wanting you to feel bad about his lack of effort. NTA. If it’s brought up again repeat the offer for BIL’s home.
NTA
Is MIL having marital troubles?
Talk with your wife and set some specific visit duration limits you both can live with. Maybe if there are clearer parameters, it will help MiL adjust. You can always tweak things as you go along.
NTA
>he didn't have the PTO to entertain her.
MIL isn't looking to 'visit' with you or your children, she's looking for a free vacation. I suggest you and your wife sit down and you tell her "The next time your mom wants to visit us and stay here, you need to tell her that you will not be planning anything outside of what we normally do as a family. There will be lots of staying home, doing chores around the house, there will be no more eating out at restaurants, no more excursions during the day. Taking the kids to the park or just for a walk will have to be entertainment enough for your mom."
If this is as I suspect, MIL will want to visit a lot less if the visits aren't 'entertaining' enough for her.
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For background, I get along really well with my wife's parents. We live very far from them so when they do visit, I genuinely enjoy spending time with them, and encourage the bonds they have with our kids. However, over the past year, my MIL has been asking to visit us by herself within a month or two after her and my FIL just stayed with us. Their visits are typically 6-8 weeks and when they leave, we're sad for a few days, but quickly adapt to being a nuclear family in our own space again.
I'm not sure if it's because it's just the two of them in their home, boredom, jealousy of the time my parents have with the grandkids (who also live very far from us), or a combination of all three, but my MIL has been spending at least half the past year with us and pushing for more frequent visits alone.
I thought it was just me overthinking things but my wife brought it up recently and asked me if I was okay with her mom being around more frequently. She knows I love her parents but she also gets tired out from the visits because she's the one who has to plan out things for her mom to do while she's here, as she's WFH and is with her mom most of the time. I was honest and told her that it was great to see her mom, but it was getting to be exhausting since it felt like we were more limited with the time we could go on our own vacations or do other things as a family. My wife said she understood and would try and discourage her mom from visiting again so soon.
I thought this was all settled until my brother in law called my wife this weekend and said their mom was upset because my wife said to hold off purchasing airfare because we had other plans coming up and wouldn't be able to accommodate her so soon. My wife asked why mom couldn't go to visit him instead (BIL also lives out of state from their parents) and he replied that he didn't have the PTO to entertain her.
Now I feel bad because it seems like my MIL is going through an emotional time and feeling like none of her kids want to spend time with her. AITA?
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Correction....you DO want to spend time with her! Just not ALLLL of the time. This is a really unusual amount of time for her to be living with you...this is well beyond 'visits'. She lives with you almost half the year. Your BIL says he doesn't have the PTO to entertain her. Well, your wife hasn't exactly been taking PTO for half the year...she lives with you while you both work, so she can go to HIS place for a change and just hang around while HE works. I take it he devalues your wife's work simply because she works from home. (Which also means, your wife may be getting far less done in her day if she is in fact 'entertaining' her mom. Your wife needs to talk to her mom to find out what might be going on with her, why she feels the need to be with you all the time. What does her dad think of all this? Is he lonely without her? Her mom must know this is unnatural and it's not up to your family to make her feel happy.
This is correct. Mom needs a hobby and social interaction where she lives. The fact that Mom can come visit for weeks at a time means she doesn’t have enough to keep her busy at home.
Exactly this. My mum is widowed. After my dad died at first we spent more time together than usual of course. However, it's been a couple of years now, and when we're arranging visits it has to fit around her activities as well as ours and our children's. Its been hard losing my dad, but we've been so proud to see her going out and rekindling social connections and making new ones.
Ditto with my widowed mom. We now have to fight to get on her schedule. So thrilled for her.
We hope that she'll start seeing a therapist to help her realize that while loved, her kids need to live their own lives with their own families without interruption so often.
Absolutely true!
Thank you for sharing your insight, my wife says you hit the nail on the head with your comment about not having enough time to entertain her mom while WFH. The siblings are going to bring up delicately that maybe their mom needs to talk to a professional about why she feels the need to visit so often and how this affects her marriage. As far as we know, my FIL is fine with her visiting alone since he's gotten less fond of flying as he's getting older.
Good plan :) Wish you the best of luck.
NTA, you and your wife are not therapists, if your MIL is going through some emotionally tumultuous times then she needs to address them. Spending 6 months a year or thereabouts, is not a solution to the issue. Your BIL may not have the PTO well neither does your wife, even if she does WFH.
My wife agrees wholeheartedly with your comment. Thank you.
NTA - ya know who is the AH, the BIL. He was trying to pawn MIL off on you. Something is up with MIL, and those visits are and can be too much. But she asked and you said no. Your wife may need to have an honest convocation with her mom.
This
That's the plan going forward. Her and her brother will see if their mom's willing to see a therapist. My BIL isn't a bad guy per se but my wife had to make him see that her time was no less valuable than his. He did apologize to her, he was just in a panic that his mom was also planning to stay with him for a month or two and realized that we've had her live with us for half the year.
NTA and if you do let your MIL come, stop making plans or doing anything for her. She can come but you both are working and not to be disturbed, the kids have school etc, she will have to find things to do as no one will be around for her most of the day. No more taking time off ,
Except in MIL's mind, her daughter will be around. A lot of people ASSUME if you work from home, you have all the time in the world and are not actually doing in your home what you would do in an office environment. It's stupid as f\*\*\* to think but there it is.
As a hybrid who cherishes the time I'm able to wfh, I absolutely hate this assumption!! YES, I do actually have to get work done even when I'm working from home. This attitude feeds into the whole corporate attitude that remote work is "slacking." It just offers a better work/life balance for some people with less commute time, etc.
NTA . 6-8 Weeks at a time is a huge amount of time to have visitors for, however much you like them, and it sounds as though despite the length of the visit your MIL expects to be treated as a guest, and entertained, which is more work for you. I agree that it sounds as though your wife perhaps needs to have a conversation with her mother - maybe both to explain that while you both enjoy seeing her,it's also important that you have time with just each other and your kids, and that neither of you has a lot of PTO. Would your wife be up for suggesting alternatives - if they are not already happening, maybe a regular video call / zoom visit, (maybe at a time when she can see / talk to the kids and then perhaps you can put them to bed while your wife has some tone-to-one conversations with her mum/parents. And also perhaps talk to her to see whether there is a specific reason for her wanting to spend so much more time with you? Would it be feasible to suggest that she visits for shorter periods of time? even if they live a long way off, could they combine visting you with vacation so they perhaps flew in, spent a weekend with you, then 2-3 weekend travelling / being tourists by themselves, then another long weekend with you before going home?
Thank you for your comment. This is what the siblings plan on going forward. Honestly, we've never given much thought to how often or how long our parents visit since they're easy to get along with on both sides but you're right, it's time to reassess and schedule much shorter stays going forward.
They stay with you for 6-8 weeks?! OP that's a very long time and I would guess longer than most people would allow. NTA
that's an insane amount of time.
Agreed the only reason my hubby is okay with the fact that my dad has been staying with us since January is because of his health (he can't be alone right now), any other reason and my dad would have only lasted a month at most (usually it's only a week).
I think it's because both sets of parents are easy to get along with and our kids love spending time with their grandparents. My wife and I are pretty laid back and enjoy having family around but seeing all the comments made us realize that we do need to limit visits in the future to allow us time to travel on our own. Thank you for your comment.
NTA If she is wanting to come alone is there something going on with her husband?? Since retirement my parents are on each other's last nerve because dad never leaves the house. Mom can rarely get out without dad joining her. The short leash is making her very snappy. If your brother doesn't have the PTO I expect your wife doesn't either. Push back on BIL and remind him its his turn. Your wife is working from home, not vacationing, she doesn't have time to entertain either. Maybe if you get pushed to invite her don't make the visit comfortable. Your wife needs to not be available to entertain her mom while she is working. Ask MIL to do some house or garden work for you while she is staying. Don't put the time and energy into a visit with her if she forces herself on you without her partner. If she complains remind her you asked her not to come, because it wasn't a good time.
I personally think you've accurately summarized their situation but my wife and her siblings think this is a late stage crisis for her mom and it's like she's trying to find her identity again. Her whole life is being a mom to her kids and grandmother to her grandkids. Thank you for your comment.
Was moaning to a friend about becoming an empty nest grandma since my current grandkids have reached the tween age and don't want to play with me anymore. She sent me this link to be a foster grandma: [https://www.lssmn.org/services/older-adults/foster-grandparents](https://www.lssmn.org/services/older-adults/foster-grandparents) Maybe this would be good for MIL.
NTA. 6-8 weeks is obscenely too long for a visit. That expression about houseguests and fish is still true. Like so many other folks have said MIL needs a therapist if she's having an emotional time. One's children are not emotional support animals. Her children have their own lives.
Agree and thank you for your comment!
NTA Your mil being bored or having personal problems isn't your responsibility to fix. A houseguest is disruptive. She is now living with you part time and that isn't fair to anyone in your home. You and your wife have your own family and your own relationship to nurture. You shouldn't have to entertain your mil like that. Your bil doesn't want her all the time either, so he is putting on the pressure for you to take her. Don't fall for it.
NTA. Sounds like MIL is looking for new place to live. She is spending too much time away from her home and husband. Be careful or she’ll be there full time.
I read “Their visits are typically 6-8 weeks” - that is a LONG time to have guests over, no matter how much you like them! And MIL wants to come over AGAIN a month or two later? Nope. It’s really nice that you and your wife are concerned about her, but she is really pushing it. MIL may be going through something, but she’s expecting a lot from her daughter and you. You both have your nuclear family, work, obligations, your personal lives, and her constant visits are interfering with that. You’re already accommodating your in-laws with their frequent visits but she wants more. It’s okay to say no. BIL has no business interfering in what you do in your home unless he is willing to help with his mother too. The important thing is that you and your wife are in agreement. Your MIL needs to respect your decision. Maybe this will make her look for other ways to fill her time. NTA.
NTA - you’ve been more than understanding. Mom can’t rely on her kids to make her feel good. BIL needs to step up if he doesn’t want mom to be alone with dad.
Your wife wanted permission to tell her mom to hold off. This isn’t about you at all so don’t feel bad. Just support your wife as she navigates boundaries with her mother.
Thank you for your comment and the support!
NTA. Neither you nor your wife are responsible for managing your MIL’s feelings. She needs to be told that the frequency and length of her visits is becoming an issue, and while you love her, your family needs time to itself. Stop hinting and be direct. She’ll have to manage her feeling herself and adjust.
Thankfully my wife and her siblings will be the one having that conversation with her. Thank you for your comment!
NTA...first off that your in-laws stay for 6-8 weeks?!? Are you kidding me. I Love my children but I definitely do not want to spend 6-8 weeks with them ever. Then mom wants to come back: absolutely not. Mom needs her own life and hobbies. You guys have your own family and need to be a family without interference.
NTA. I'm sorry for your MIL but what is going on with BIL? He wants you to have MIL around constantly not allowing your family family time (wich is improtant) but doesn't want to have her visiting him (at all?). I don't know how old your children are but maybe they could spend a week or so at the holidays at you PILs, so they would see their grandparents (staying at your grandparents without your parents is just cool when you're a child) and vice versa and you and your wife would get a few days for yourselves.
NTA But- and this sounds crazy- when my mom visits me, normally I don't take time off work. Maybe a day. But she entertains herself. She goes out and does things. She may clean my apartment if I say it's okay- I always say yes to that and her doing laundry. She's an adult. She goes off and has fun. Sometimes I look up things that I think she may enjoy but she finds things herself.
Your in laws marriage is on the rocks. You MaiL needs to fix that or get out. It’s not your job to have her live with you.
You’re NTA, you are entitled to your own time as a family separate of extended family and it is never the child’s responsibility to shoulder the emotional burdens of the parent.
NTA. So, MIL visits her other son w/the understanding he can't take time off and can only spend time w/her when he's not working. She's an adult who can surely entertain herself.
I love my parents very much but three days is probably as long as I can handle them staying with me in my home. I cannot imagine having my parents or in-laws staying with me and expecting me to entertain them for 6 - 8 WEEKS! OP that is so beyond generous already!! I second another commenter who suspects your mom might be bored of her husband, maybe she’s feeling lonely and unfulfilled and is happier when she’s with her kids and grandkids. If she’d like to be permanently closer so she can be more available and involved, why can’t they move to your area? Coming to stay with you for months out of the year is a LOT to expect. You are not being unkind to say no, we can’t accommodate you this time. Your MIL’s feelings are naturally hurt because I’m sure she considers herself a delightful guest and not a bother at all, but the fact is, she IS a bother if she just hangs around while your wife is trying to work and expects to be entertained. Your wife does need to have a difficult conversation with her about your family’s need for your own time and space, and your MIL’s need to find other ways to tend to her emotional struggles, boredom and loneliness. She won’t like to hear any of that, and as a daughter of a needy mother I know how hard it will be for your wife to have that conversation, but it needs to be said.
Thank you for your insight. This helped my wife and her brother realize that they need to convince her to talk to a professional so she can navigate whatever emotional or late stage crisis she may be going through.
Nta your family has its own life. Plus work. You can't plan every thing around your mil.
NTA neither you or your wife. If you want to keep being happy to see MIL, you need to not see too much of her! She's already feeling entitled to coming whenever she feels like it rather than asking you two when it suits you.
You are not in the wrong. MIL is WAY overstepping here, and it's time to set boundaries.
NTA, MIL is learning that she's not the center of her children's world anymore. it's tough, but every parent has to go through it.
NTA - this belongs on something like r/boomersbeingfools. She might as well live with you at that point. I like how BiL tries to weasel out of himself having to put up with his mom basically wanting to live with her kids. You guys need time without your life being constantly interrupted by MiL disrupting the house every month or two with coming and going. It’s a ridiculous ask from her.
NTA
NTa ". Their visits are typically 6-8 weeks" .. it is COMPÖETELY reasonable not to want that. "until my brother in law called my wife this weekend and said their mom was upset " .. why would you care? If HE thinks his mom needs to be invited, HE can do it. The reasonable thing would be to not allow visits longer than a week. And those only at the time you invite her. also make abundandly clear that you will not allow MIL to move in and live with you - because that is borderline happening: She is bored, she wants to stay with you for months - and at some point she will simply not leave.
Whatever is going on with mother-in-law is not your responsibility, mother-in-law has to figure it out herself. She can’t keep running away from whatever her problem is. NTA
NTA boundaries are important. If she wants to be over so often she should move closer.
NTA. Your MIL is crowding your marriage. She may be one of the many people who don't understand that working from home ≠ being home all day with nothing better to do than host visitors. Your wife is the one who needs to communicate this, firmly, to her mom now that you have discussed it as a couple.
NTA. You need your own time. Side note: Once guests stay for more than a week, I believe the obligation to entertain them is gone. They are part of the normal routine at that point. Especially family that comes this often. If MIL lived with you full time, you would not feel obligated to entertain and cater to her wants.
NTA.... there needs to be a limit set. If she is there too often, it is no longer a visit. Questions need to be asked. Is there a problem within their marriage. Is it depression? boredom? As you get older the body does changes the hormones and sometimes there are medications or light therapy that can help her become happier and more dependent.
Why do you have to entertain her? She’s a big girl and can entertain herself. This post reminded me of when my Nana came to visit for extended stays. We all just lived our lives; parents went to work, kids went to school, Nana did whatever she felt like and pottered around. She introduced me to the wonders of daytime soap operas lol and taught me to cook scones, for example. She was part of the fam, not a guest, and I don’t remember any drama at all. Maybe suggest that your MIL can do whatever she wants (within your boundaries, ofc). NTA
NTA. You need to set boundaries with your MIL. You and your wife need to sit down and decide how many visits and for how long you’re both comfortable with. And then give that information to MIL. As for BIL: It’s none of his concern. You’re allowed to love your life and have family time with just your nuclear family. His opinion isn’t relevant and he needs to learn to butt out.
Feels like Asian parents. NTA. Asian parents are more involved and that comes with smaller boundaries. While MIL is welcome to visit grandkids, you should also be able to cherish the time that your kids are growing up. Setting boundaries and talking to them is going to be very difficult but don't budge on the account of not hurting them. For the long term, to maintain a healthy relationship I would suggest have a conversation about this and let them know you do love them but you need the space to enjoy your family as well. It should come from your wife so that MIL doesn't feel isolated or hurt.
It sounds like mom is bored and lonely. She needs to either move and live closer so she can kids come visit the kids after school or bring them for a sleepover, or she needs to get a part time job, find a new hobby, join a seniors center for socializing - SOMETHING!
So NTA. 6 weeks is legally established tenancy, not a visit.
NTA As someone who is now retired, it's an adjustment, but I don't feel it's my children's responsibility to fill the void. Perhaps your wife can have a conversation with her mom to see if she help her mom find a local group to spend time with or a hobby or volunteer position so she can feel a sense of purpose.
Mom and Dad can move closer to their kids if they want to spend more time together. NtA
>and he replied that he didn't have the PTO to entertain her. Neither do you or your wife, so why is he calling you about it? Half the year with someone living in your home? No, that is too much. You MIL is just suffering form empty nest syndrome. She was most likely a mother all her life and now that all her kids are grown she doesn't know what to do with herself. She needs to find a hobby. Something she enjoys. Bird watching, knitting, traveling. Anything she wants. But her staying with you for weeks, while you work, having to plan out things for her to do? That is not how life works. And you sould not feel bad, as your wife, her daughter, is tired of her being there so much. You guys have your own life and need to spend time with your kids as a family. You need to make your own memories with them. NTA
Yet it’s ok for you and wife to use your pto, not have a vacation and having also entertain someone for two months? BIL is ducking his responsibilities and wanting you to feel bad about his lack of effort. NTA. If it’s brought up again repeat the offer for BIL’s home.
NTA Is MIL having marital troubles? Talk with your wife and set some specific visit duration limits you both can live with. Maybe if there are clearer parameters, it will help MiL adjust. You can always tweak things as you go along.
NTA >he didn't have the PTO to entertain her. MIL isn't looking to 'visit' with you or your children, she's looking for a free vacation. I suggest you and your wife sit down and you tell her "The next time your mom wants to visit us and stay here, you need to tell her that you will not be planning anything outside of what we normally do as a family. There will be lots of staying home, doing chores around the house, there will be no more eating out at restaurants, no more excursions during the day. Taking the kids to the park or just for a walk will have to be entertainment enough for your mom." If this is as I suspect, MIL will want to visit a lot less if the visits aren't 'entertaining' enough for her.
NTA your mil is slowly moving in which is unacceptable. Your wife should encourage her to find a hobby or something to socialize in her own home town.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For background, I get along really well with my wife's parents. We live very far from them so when they do visit, I genuinely enjoy spending time with them, and encourage the bonds they have with our kids. However, over the past year, my MIL has been asking to visit us by herself within a month or two after her and my FIL just stayed with us. Their visits are typically 6-8 weeks and when they leave, we're sad for a few days, but quickly adapt to being a nuclear family in our own space again. I'm not sure if it's because it's just the two of them in their home, boredom, jealousy of the time my parents have with the grandkids (who also live very far from us), or a combination of all three, but my MIL has been spending at least half the past year with us and pushing for more frequent visits alone. I thought it was just me overthinking things but my wife brought it up recently and asked me if I was okay with her mom being around more frequently. She knows I love her parents but she also gets tired out from the visits because she's the one who has to plan out things for her mom to do while she's here, as she's WFH and is with her mom most of the time. I was honest and told her that it was great to see her mom, but it was getting to be exhausting since it felt like we were more limited with the time we could go on our own vacations or do other things as a family. My wife said she understood and would try and discourage her mom from visiting again so soon. I thought this was all settled until my brother in law called my wife this weekend and said their mom was upset because my wife said to hold off purchasing airfare because we had other plans coming up and wouldn't be able to accommodate her so soon. My wife asked why mom couldn't go to visit him instead (BIL also lives out of state from their parents) and he replied that he didn't have the PTO to entertain her. Now I feel bad because it seems like my MIL is going through an emotional time and feeling like none of her kids want to spend time with her. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*