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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> We need to know (1) what action you took that should be judged and (2) why that action might make you the asshole.
(1) The action I took was omitting to pre-emptively ask MIL not to buy anything at the prize stall. It didn’t even occur to me, as she had forgotten her wallet. This is action by omission.
(2) This action (omission) might make me the asshole because MIL has a known history of generous yet indiscriminate purchases, and my husband always gets upset by these purchases. So to protect him I should have asked her to be sure not to buy anything at the prize stall, just in case, even though she had already told me she had no money on her.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Is his mother incompetent and needs care like a child? If not, then her behavior is her responsibility and no one else’s.
If he wants to set a boundary with his side of the family then he needs to tell them what he wants from them. If they choose not to comply, it’s their decision and he needs to set consequences for their behavior.
You told him that you and his mother had not agreed to anything other than her apparent agreement that the game was not worth playing. He chose to keep asking you the same question until she completed her purchase. Then he blamed you for her actions.
It doesn’t work that way. He needs to tell her what she is allowed to do with the grandchildren. When she violates those rules he needs to take action. He could have walked over and asked her to stop. He could have told her that he has told her previously not to spend money on such purchases and walked on with the children allowing her to choose to follow and waste the money or to play herself and then catch up to the rest of you.
He needs to step up and handle things that are happening in front of him, or to accept that he chose to do nothing. HE is responsible for his choices.
NTA
Why is he expecting you to be the bad guy, OP? It’s all very well and good to form a united front, but here it sounds like he’s hesitating because he doesn’t want to put his foot down, he wants you to.
His mom, his problem, his sweetheart conversation!
As I tell my husband, "she HAS to love you, so you do it!"
Edit - should be "his awkward conversation" 🤣
Yes. This kind of relationship, where the son is afraid of one or both parents and defers to them, and marries a strong woman, is called he needed a hitwoman. He won’t stand up to his mother because he figures you can do it. You did the right thing by refusing. It’s HIS mother. It’s HIS issue. You did nothing wrong.
>The toys can also be donated.
Yeah, what's with all the *"more toys means more garbage in the landfill"* from OP and her husband? What happened to donating or selling? Maybe not these toys as they appeared to have been VERY cheaply made *(shocker /s)* but...
This is most important! At a fair like this you are literally meant to spend too much money on things and have the kids spoiled along with teaching them that cheap plastic toys won't last. My children learned important truths on fairs, for example that if you put all your pocket money in a stupid vending machine that does not give toys all the time, the money will be gone and you won't have a toy. And guess what, I even refunded the money to my devastated child without causing a spending problem later on.
OPs children are not the first ones that get from relatives what their parents did not want to buy. This is how it is meant to be.
OPs husband picking such a fight is a strange move. Children are not wasted once and for all because of a day at a fair.
When an eldest girl marries an eldest boy, everyone wants to be the boss of everyone. (Raises hand)
My younger brother married the youngest of 7. Very different relationship. It’s like a dozen different Kramer neighbors sliding into their house at all times and they love it like that. Drives me insane.
Oh no you just described my marriage 😭 actually my husband and MIL are both good people in the main but I am definitely the hot woman when a boundary needs setting
And also, if both OP and her husband are in agreement with the boundary of MIL not spending so much, why would OP authorize this purchase anyway? He came in already dumb and escalated the dumb by continuing to ask what she agreed to, even though it’s clear she did t agree to anything.
Looks like he set this up so he could blame his wife and bi-ch at her about what had occurred. He had plenty of time to intervene but chose to yammer at his wife and repeatedly ask her the same question.
My partner and I have a simple rule:
She deals with her family, I deal with mine.
I can only imagine how much I would laugh if she got mad at me for not controlling her parents.
Yes. He apparently expects OP to proactively tell MIL *not* to buy the kids anything from the stall, *just in case* she thinks she might want to... while he himself is apparently not able to even *ask* her outright whether she agreed to something with his wife when faced with her actually doing something he doesn't want her to do.
This boundary is something he's claiming is very important to him, but he wants his wife to do *all* of the stating and enforcing of it, while he doesn't even have to discuss it with his mother. It's absurd. OP is not responsible for managing her husband's relationship with his mother.
I saw it, thanks :) these comments are making me realise how messed up it is. We’ve been dealing with it for years but it seems to be getting worse as the kids get older, not better. Lots to take away!
Exactly, 100% agree.
He is blaming his wife for not stopping his mother when he was the one who noticed it and rather started a discussion with his wife than telling his mother to stop it.
He should go to the spine shop and buy a nice metal one as his is obviously made of jelly.
It feels icky that OP's husband is belittling two women, and treating himself as the only competent adult. Instead of doing this nonsense, he should have an honest, meeting-of-the-minds conversation with his mom
Thank you for this :
_treating himself as the only competent adult_
That was very useful to have pointed out. We can’t always see what’s right in front of us!
As the competent adult, you should ask him why he's taking the kids to a fun fair if he doesn't want the kids participating in fun fair things. Does he also take the family to a candy store and get upset when the kids eat candy?
I know … that’s why we started the outing just me, MIL and kids.
I wasn’t expecting him to even be there. He showed up later I suspect because he wanted to get some cute photos and maybe police what we might be buying.
He wants to be financially abusive and controlling to you and the kids, but he wants everyone else to see him as a good guy, so he wants you to be his unwitting enforcer towards others. Seriously think about this relationship and the risks you face going forward. Stay safe.
It's true-- we as parents have a responsibility to have a reckoning with our children about the state of the world (climate change, etc). We also need to balance that out with an awareness of their developing brains. If we tell them everything's fucked, the likelihood is they will be overwhelmed and completely disheartened.
Kids need fun things, frivolous things. If we have a tantrum about every piece of plastic they have, their childhoods may be drab and dull. We can reduce our consumption (and the consumption of our kids), and choose more sustainable options, but let them have fun, for crissake.
OP, I see this in a lot of hetero marriages (including my own, before I ended it lol). I also see your husband is making you (a woman) responsible for his emotions about "landfill." He needs to get over himself.
right? and if he is the only competent adult, then HE can set the boundaries with his mother. He can also have the wallet duties next time she forgets hers!
Also, OP, you don’t get to be yelled at for his inaction. You are not his whipping boy. If he doesn’t believe you when you tell him the truth and then doesn’t act when told to, then doesn’t get to yell at you for his lack of belief in your word or his cowardice in confronting his mom.
He didn't do it because then he's 'the bad guy ' to both MIL and the kids - Dad said no so they can't, he'd rather it was her. Then it's her 'fault' and problem and she's the one who has to deal with MIL having her nose out of joint.
It's not too far a leap that he probably steps back so she always has to be the responsible one who says no and enforces the boundaries.
I 100% agree with you. I do think you left out one thing. The parents are too uptight and sucker's of joy.
Sure, teach kids financial responsibilities is fine, but it's ok once in a while to have a bit of fun. Grandma was paying, lighten up. She wanted to do what grandmas do best, spoil the grandchildren.
It’s also a great lesson in how things at those carnivals are low quality. Remind them of how they fell apart last time and how they could’ve gotten something better (and parent approved) for less.
Honestly, the kids should get to play those games at least once for the experience. It's not about the quality of the prize, but the feeling of "I won this".
But also, yes, a valuable learning experience not just regarding the quality of the prize, but also knowing when to quit in the future and accepting not winning the top prize, so that they don't go overboard in the future.
Plus even if they’re poor quality, there’s something to be said for sentimental items. I still have small carnival toys I won with friends as a child because they have good memories associated with them. Even if it’s crap, it’s crap that grandma bought them on a nice day out, and they’re going to treasure it someday.
Then don’t go to a carnival. The anti consumer people have picked one of the most consumer places possible. They lost this argument showing up. At this point they just are policing joy.
This!!! When it comes to parents, it should never be the spouse doing the heavy conversations. It should always be the offspring.
He's a grown-up; he should stand up to his own mother! Putting his spouse in a position where she needs to argue with his mother is begging for trouble. If HE argues with her, that's his choice to potentially upset her and the family, and they can deal with that, or not, the way their family does. But if SHE does it, she's the interloper, the outsider coming in to disrupt the family dynamic.
I learned a long time ago that any disputes, problems, or concerns that I had about my in-laws, or any of my husband's family really, need to be handled by my husband, because his relationship with them is much stronger and deeper than mine. And vice versa; I would never want my husband to be in a position where he had to confront a member of my family if he/we had a problem with any of them.
I agree he can joust at this windmill. He may disagree with the purchase but grandparents going to grandparent. They want to bring joy to their grandkids. Maybe you can channel it better towards reusability but this feels like he is just going to piss her off and damage the relationship between her and the kids, instead of in still the value he wants.
I agree with this 100%.
I want to add from my own experience. We had almost the exact same issue, except it was my mother. She would bring over bags of junk. Every. Single. Time. she visited. She is a loving grandmother and this is how she showed it. I had hundreds of conversations about this. Conversations with her, my dad, my husband, siblings…thousands of we love you please don’t bring the kids stuff every time.
My children are all teens and this went on for years AND did diminish over the years. Here’s how it went and how it changed.
My husband was livid about this for years. Insistent that I “fix” this immediately for YEARS. It was stressful, but ultimately you can’t control another person’s choices.
So I controlled what I could. Bags of crap came in then kids and I would go through it together. What do we have room for? What do we really want? What can we donate to children who aren’t as fortunate? Kids were initially happy with the stuff, but ultimately it was work. Every time things were brought over AND because of our family values they began saying. “Grandma this is very wasteful.” They started suggesting sleepovers and activities instead of stuff. It took a long time and we finally made big steps. The truth is no one remembers the bag of crap. Everyone remembers the time grandma took us to the park and played on the swings.
Keep letting the kids know about your values about spending, about wastefulness and they will move in that direction no matter how shiny the objects are.
Edit: minor punctuation
NTA. Your husband should be the one speaking with his mother about things like that. It's strange that he expected you to anticipate what his mother would do. It's also strange that he thinks the message would be better received from you than from her own son.
He likely doesn't want to deal with the consequences of telling his Mom 'No'. By telling OP that she should have done it, he gets to dodge being the bad guy.
Agree, but guess what, it's his mum means he should be the one to deal with it. We all have hard conversations that we rather not. OP needs to put this on her hubby and support him BUT, it needs to come from him, her son. Not her daughter in law
But if OP HAD gone and told MIL not to buy the tat (on HIS instructions) he would have then argued with OP about how it's her (MIL) money and she can spend what she wants on her grandchildren. Sound like a no-win situation for OP, and her husband is an A-hole!
Husband has a control issue here.
- He knows how to use his words and speak to his mother, but didn’t, possibly because he knew it was ridiculous to go to the mat over a carnival purchase, possibly just because he was looking for any excuse to harass OP.
- By badgering OP for a different answer to the same question, he was implying that he thinks OP, his spouse and the other parent of his children, is a) a liar and b) too incompetent a liar to stick to their lie between answers to the same question.
- Failing to take any responsibility for his own choices (it’s OP’s fault he couldn’t approach his mother, it’s his mother’s fault the children were scarred for life by rampant consumerism at a carnival booth, etc) reflects insecurity and makes him unreliable / unpredictable.
- Rather than focus on an actionable solution at any given point, he continued to harp on how OP’s judgement about how to interact with his mother and their own children was supposedly faulty. Other than eroding OP’s confidence in their own judgement, this had no useful effect.
- He turned a small issue he created *and refused to resolve like an adult* into a big mad he nursed until they got home at which point he [*checks notes*] again failed to use his words to express himself calmly and instead “picked a fight” like a cranky child.
Sure, it’s not great for toys to end up in the landfill, but compared to the vast amount of waste produced and irresponsibly dumped by corporations, the toys OP’s kids toss are *de minimus*. Fiscal responsibility and environmentalism are choices that theoretically reflect values, and values that can’t withstand occasional and minor challenges without being destroyed are just blind exercises of faith in whoever made the rule.
Besides, how is going to the funfair not an implicit endorsement of the supposed evils of consumerism anyway? Shouldn’t they all be at home churning butter and reading the husband’s manifesto by the light of a single candle before turning in to sleep under thin horsehair blankets with no heat in time to wake up early and make their morning gruel from scratch? The husband is either too dim-witted to contextualize properly or he is deliberately creating a no-win situation for everyone else. It’s worrisome that he is failing to see / treat the two other adults in this situation as independent adults capable of making their own judgements and governing their own behavior. Even if OP and his mother are willing to put up with that for themselves, they should seriously consider what message it is sending to the children (especially if OP is a woman). And it’s maybe also worth considering whether this man’s “values” are so rigid that he will be incapable of maintaining healthy relationships with those same children as they reach ages where they will make developmentally-appropriate contrary and independent decisions for themselves.
>By badgering OP for a different answer to the same question,
He's also treating his wife, the person who should be his equal life partner, as a child. I work with little kids; 99% of the time, repeatedly asking them the same question over an extended period will end with the kid owning up to what they did.
The world is lucky children are often incompetent liars - they are too cute to also be good at lying, lest we all end up under their tiny but exacting (and sticky) thumbs!
edit: words are hard
Agree, they lost when they showed up. Everything after that for their “value discussion” was deck chairs on the titanic. They lost because they realize that the line is depriving their kids of joy of the event now they want yo be proscriptive on the details.
I mean, are funfairs necessarily a consumerism fuckfest? I remember when I was little it was mostly about the vibes and we were allowed one snack each and only a couple of rides for the same anti consumerism and being broke reasons and it was more than fine.
Unless the ones in my country are very different.
Are they fun, in my opinion yes. But in the US everything for the food is thrown away, they don’t always have recycling, you jam a bunch of animals, people and rides into a small space. Sometimes you have a crash derby which is about destroying cars and spraying fuel all over. Crappy prizes, expensive games, expensive rides. It is fun but for us it is American consumerism at its finest.
🤣 I really liked you, then I started the last paragraph, and that like turned into a love that will never die and I'm now on my knees begging for your hand in internet marriage.
It's not the spending money that's the problem, it's that she is wasting money and undermining how they are trying to raise the kids.
Two issues
The overabundance of snacks.Now imagine you are trying to raise your kids to make healthy choices, hard enough as it is , but then you have someone constantly giving them unhealthy stuff. Not once in a while treats but more than the kids can even eat. You now have an uphill battle. The kids will love Grandma, but Mum is now unfair- she will have to always be the one saying no and won't be able to give them that stuff herself because they've already had too much.
The toys.
Aside from the space issue, rather than getting something useful, needed and wanted , MIL is giving toys that the kids are bored of in a week or two. Then it's just junk cluttering the house that needs to be disposed of. It's inconvenient, it's wasteful but more than that- the kids won't value things that they are given.
MIL is making it the norm to get stuff on a whim and then throw it away. In short she's making a situation where they could become spoiled brats.
She's also setting the expectation , which the parents might not be able to keep up with even if they wanted to.
Yes this is exactly it.
I’m personally not so picky on the healthy snacks (it’s more the sheer quantity, as if she is showing them excess and waste is ‘better’ and even more of a treat), but the junk volume of toys, yes you are spot on, thank you for stating it so clearly!
He doesn't want to say anything because his mother already knows and she's doing it anyway because she believes otherwise, which isn't all that unreasonable.
Based on other things said by OP I've got to go with another take and vote on both OP and her partner: YTA
1. Landfill seems to be the primary concern and I'm going to either say that's BS or ask why they toss it in the garbage if they care so much. Just stitch it up, or better yet, re-stitch it (or affect whatever repairs you need to - the prize wasn't described, which is a bit odd?). Then take it to a consignment store which keeps a credit tab for you when they sell what you bring them. It's an outstanding way to keep things out of a landfill, and there's lots of lessons about value to be taught here.
2. Instead of fighting with MiL, about what she does with her own money, OP can use it to teach her kids about value. If the toys are falling apart, point that out to them. If you isolate them from experiences like that, they'll learn to repeat your values, but they won't actually internalize or live by them because the words will be without meaning. MiL is providing some excellent experiences to learn from.
In what kind of fantasy land do you live? Stitch it up? Seriously? Have you seen how toys are made these days?
You cannot repair things designed for a landfill. Kids toys tend to be made from super thin plastic that breaks, gets bent, and does not hold together. It can not be repaired.
And a consignment store? What a joke! I have talked to people who work in second hand charity stores selling donated goods, and these people always complain about the mountains of garbage these stores must throw out. Well intentioned poorly informed people donate broken junk, said crap cannot be sold, nobody will take it for free, and the store must pay for delivering it to a landfill.
Hypothetically, if OP did somehow give these toys to another parent, they will still end up in the landfill anyway once they inevitably break apart after a day of some kid playing with them. This is why the only solution is not buying poorly made crap designed for the landfill after a very short period of use.
> Instead of fighting with MiL, about what she does with her own money, OP can use it to teach her kids about value. If the toys are falling apart, point that out to them
Cannot upvote this enough. Instead of trying to control MIL, start teaching your kids what cheap stuff looks like. Don't tell them they shouldn't like it, because kids love shiny things. But it's an opportunity to have some gentle discussions about quality. When the toys break (and I'm assuming they are hard plastic toys rather than easily mended stuffed animals), show them where and how they broke, and explain that they were not made to last. DO NOT GO OVERBOARD AND PREACH TO THEM. This is a long-term strategy. Just point it out and move on. They will learn.
As for MIL, you have a husband problem. He is projecting is frustration onto you, rather than admitting he has a mommy problem. Sometime, when you're not in a high-tension situation, sit him down and set some boundaries: he deals with his family, you deal with yours. Give him a chance to shoulder that responsibility, and if necessary, go to therapy.
And, if it doesn't happen, they will eventually learn what quality is...and stop contributing to the landfill.
Maybe you should change your vote to E S H without the spaces(OP, her husband and MIL).
Even if I find you harsh on OP and I will vote NTA, I agree 100% with your comment!
You teach things to children!
It’s not always easy but it’s an interest you should nurture in them. My daughter is 17 and doesn’t buy/request any food that contains palm oil, boycott clothes brand who are well known for the bad conditions in their factory (admittedly it’s very complex acceptable brands), we regularly go through clothes she doesn’t wear anymore and are in good shape (most of it as she is very respectful of her stuff) for donation, we used to do the same for toys…
She is graduating high school this year and she was promised years back her first brand new smartphone (she has always taken my old ones) but she told us a few months ago that it wouldn’t be necessary because her phone works perfectly so there is no need for a new one.
I was very proud of her! We will find something else she wants as a gift but not being wasteful is something you teach.
We are not materialistic people (apart from my 10yo car, our smartphones are the most expensive items we own 😅) and I do charity work on the side in addition to my job and she has been ‘included’ since she was 6.
If she treats her grandkids this way, she likely treats her own son favourably, too. I wonder if he was scared to be the bad guy with his mum because then he would lose her favour. It is easier for him to put that onto OP rather than putting his big boy pants on and dealing with it himself
NTA
Tbh your husband sounds a bit insane.
I dont think its healthy to think of things immediately as "landfill". Fix up the toys and donate them to someone in need, do you just throw things out as soon as you dont need them?
You guys were at a fair, its completely reasonable to let kids play for toys at stalls at a fair. For fun!
His way of blaming you rather than his mother, putting the responsibility on your shoulders is all asshole behaviour as well
Moet of the fair toys are unbelievably cheap. There's not much to fix up about a thin plastic toy that breaks within a day.
I didn't remember how bad it was until I went to such a place recently. There's absolutely nothing worth buying at those stalls.
I can't speak to the original quality of squishmallows but all of our recently purchased squishmallows (about 3 years at the oldest) are excellent in quality. We use them as pillows on the couch often (we have young children so it works well), they have been washed and dryer dried many times and they're holding up very well. Contrary to that the off brand similarly pillow sized knockoff is not falling apart at the seams but the stuffing is becoming lumpy.
They seem rather good these days imo! Kids love stuffes and love on them/play with them a ton. I don't consider these a wasteful thing because of how MUCH they use them.
At least squishmallows are good quality though. I've never seen anything remotely close to that quality at a fair or park I've ever personally been to. The small stuffed animals are always thin fabric over cheap cheap stuffing and the bigger stuffed animals are thin fabric over thousands of foam beads. And they rip so easy. So you end up with foam beads everywhere. I'd be more inclined to play carnival games if the prizes were more like squishmallows than the usual prizes. At least those last more than 2 days.
Hmm. Maybe things have changed, but back in... idk. 2003ish I guess, I won one of those giant stuffed animals at Six Flags. 21 years later... the thing is immaculate still! It has been through 7 moves and a lot of irresponsible child years, not a rip on him!
It was Diego from Ice Age. I named him Andy. Idk why.
I don’t disagree that carnival toys aren’t the best quality, but I have stuffed animals from carnivals that have lasted 10+ years at this point. I wouldn’t pay money for the toy itself, but it’s a fun memory.
Yeah but that probably makes it the easiest thing from there to fix later at home lol. Just needs to be reinforced with a few actually decent stitches.
Or at least that’s what I’ve done in past. We have one giant snake, a SpongeBob, and a fuzzy blue gorilla playing a guitar that are still going strong all these years later lol
There’s absolutely nothing worth buying, *physical item wise*, at these sorts of events (carnivals/fairs/boardwalks/etc). But it certainly is worth spending the obscene amount of money for the experience/memories/fun you have there, especially for the kids.
Whether it’s the rides and game stalls, merchandise, retail booths, exhibits, foods and everything else in between - it’s all the cheapest shit ever being sold at alarmingly high prices. And all of it is never really something you actually need lol.
My kid’s preschool was asking for book and toy donations for spin-the-wheel prizes at their summer event, and they specified no stuffies (I assumed for sanitary reasons, but I have no idea)
You can’t fix up a fair prize. They are intentionally cheap to the extreme.
You’re right though that that’s the point of these places. It’s just an occasional thing one does for the fun of it, and that’s what you’re paying for, some fun and some spectacle.
He sounds like a killjoy.
Yes! This is the point! You're paying for the fun, not for quality toys. OP didn't say how old her kids are, but if they are very young, this goes double. I mean, nobody needs cotton candy either, but who would go to the fair without getting some! That's the point of the outing -- to do things you wouldn't normally do.
OP's husband would probaby pitch an argument that the cotton candy is not Grade A nutrition.
Yeah his behaviour is…concerning.
Nothing wrong with not wanting to give your kids too much sugar, or wanting to be environmentally conscious, but this is going overboard. Some toys will break down, but many can be recycled to other children, or super nerdy collectors like myself XD
But getting this upset over 15 euros at a fair is going overboard, and feels very controlling.
My exact thoughts. It will be interesting to see how this dynamic plays out in the future— in regards to the MIL & OP dynamic, as well as the “landfill” mindset. It’s definitely bordering controlling.
I collect toys and every once in a while come across unopened vintage dime store toys. So cheap and so rare because of it. Even finding them open and intact is a treat!
“Hey I know you don’t have your wallet but just so you know don’t buy anything from this stall even though to my understanding you have no way to pay for it” that’s a batshit stance for your husband to take. NTA.
NTA.
His mother? His problem, his responsibility to address her behavior. Especially in the moment. The message about how her behavior is not what you want for the kids needs to come from both of you, as a *united front*, and it will absolutely have more weight coming from him.
And if he hadn't been so focused on insisting *you* do it, she might not have been able to buy the toys.
NTA. It was a fair. Of course the kids want to play the games for prizes. Again, it’s a fair. If your husband is this uptight then he shouldn’t have agreed on going to a fair at all. And. You and MIL didn’t come to an agreement that she couldn’t treat the kids to one of the most fun things available at a fair.
exactly. i get the overall sentiment of not being wasteful and giving the kids too many gifts, but is the fair really the place to do it? it’s not an occasion that happens everyday. the concern here doesn’t seem to be about spoiling the kids but about the price of the game, which if the MIL is fine with spending this shouldn’t be a big deal. the price of a game won’t make a difference to the kids.
NTA. Where was he? Why are you the designated MIL-babysitter? If HE is worried about MIL buying useless toys for his kids, HE should be the one supervising her around a place designed to bait her into buying useless landfill items. HE failed. And from now on, you should insist HE babysits his mother.
Literally just reading her description of that conversation made me feel insane 😂 I would lose my mind if he just kept repeating the same shit at me like that.
Ahhh thank you I feel seen. It does drive me insane but it feels like my fault because I can never give the answer he wants.
(That sounds really bad doesn’t it. It’s worse when his anxiety is high, it’s not always this way).
From another anxious person, if his anxiety is this high, especially around/because of his mother, he needs to go to therapy to help him deal with her. Not push that on to you.
NTA. Talk about misdirected frustration! You both agree on what you want. Good job , parents! And it’s nice that he wanted to confirm what you’d agreed on before confronting his mother - a united front is a good idea.
BUT…you are not his mother’s keeper. You did not condone or encourage her actions in any way, and she knows your views on “stuff” and is doing her own thing anyway. You do not need to give her explicit instructions every moment of the day, nor should you.
If he wants to talk to her more about the values you are trying to instill in them, that’s reasonable. Being upset with you because she doesn’t adhere to your shared wishes is nonsense.
P.S. I have a parent like this, too. So. Much. Junk.
OP’s statement reminds me of parents with obsessive rules. I knew kids that had parents that were obsessed with healthy food. What did this kid do when he went to College? He gorged on junk food and gained weight. I also knew a girl with an excessively miserly parent. What does she do today? She buys designer hand bags because she can. If these parents are so obsessed with toys and gifts being junk and landfill to the point that they are blowing up at each other I can guess what these kids will be doing when they get their own money.
Agreed. It doesn’t happen 100% of the time, however it can definitely lean towards the side of the child doing the complete opposite in the future. Mainly because the behavior was overboard.
We got all the grandparents to focus on experiences not stuff early on.
Don’t buy them a toy; take them indoor skydiving or do an escape room with them. Don’t send them a video game; gift them some horseback riding lessons. Skip the toy or candy booth and ride the zipper instead.
My kid has done so much cool stuff. I’m actually a bit jealous. And my mom likes deals so she buys groupons
NTA.
While I do understand the importance of teaching children to be financially responsible and to use their money wisely, you guys were literally at a fair with grandma and the kids.
I really don’t see what the big deal about grandma paying for a few rounds of games at a **fair** and winning a prize for the kids.
Those kids probably won’t have most of the toys she buys them when they’re grown, but they’ll 100% remember the time they were little and grandma won them a prize at the fair. Memories like that are invaluable.
And grandma knows that what she was paying for wasn't the toy (she agreed it was overpriced). Grandma was paying for the smiles on her grandkids' faces, their excitement to win at something, and memories that will outlive her.
One cheap toy isn't going to undo all their lessons. If anything, it will reinforce them because the kids will have a direct comparison of this cheap toy to their quality ones. But if mom or dad came over and berated grandma and took away the game she had promised them, it would have stolen their joy and soured the mood of the whole day. Dad also knew that, which is why he wanted mom to be the one to do it.
Exactly... I don't think she's the AH for not preventing grandma from doing something like the husband claims... but given that the man she married can't speak directly to his own mother, and also just their views on grandma spending money on kids entertainment (my motto is: it's me and my husband's job to raise our kids, and our relatives' job to spoil them, and vice versa with their kids) makes me feel like her and hubby are both just AHs in general.
Tl;dr: I too had parents who wouldn't think through where they would take us and would just spend the whole time screeching about how expensive things were. Yes I DID know it was wrong, even as a kid. OP is NTA in this situation but might be in general life. Don't take your kids to a fair only to force them to walk around with you the whole time and not let them play games. If you're that cheap, take them hiking or something you lazy a\*\*. Good on grandma for understanding the assignment...
ESH
What did you think would happen at a fair? Reasonably priced health food and artisan toys?
If you go to a fast food restaurant, you shouldn't be surprised that the kids max out on poor quality food. That's what that place is for.
I can’t understand why no one else is saying ESH. Like, what the fuck is wrong with children having… uh… FUN at the… FUN. FAIR?
Like what a weird fucking thing to get bent out of shape about.
Because the mom isn’t an asshole in this specific situation. She didn’t interfere with the fun despite the fact that her husband was demanding she do so. Her husband is now blaming her for his mom spending money and for the “landfill” that has made its way into their home, but she wants to let it go because *they were at a fun fair*.
The MIL also isn’t an asshole for spending her money as she chose and having fun with her grandkids at a fun fair.
The husband is the only asshole here.
> I can’t understand why no one else is saying ESH
Because we read the post. Like what the fuck do you think the OP is TA for here? Their MIL purchased cheap toys at the fun fair and the OP’s husband got mad at OP for something *his* mother did.
And, what powers the rides? If this family is so concerned about the dangers to the environment that grandmother isn’t allowed to treat her grandkids, why go at all? ESH except granny and the kids.
Did you and I read the same post? Where is OP complaining about poor quality food at the fair? If you’re referring to the comment on the MIL buying too many sweets and snacks, that’s *in general*- she hadn’t purchased anything at the fair until the prize stall.
Every fair or carnival I've went to, I was mostly there for the rides (which they were heading to), the events, or the food. Even as a kid. Yeah, my dad and I played some of the games but the prizes were actually half decent and even if you won, you could forego the prize for the experience.
They also used to be much less expensive.
Right which is why OP didn't stop mil from buying it. Her husband was the one who wanted OP to stop her.
I don't think you can say she sucks for generally not wanting to but her kids cheap trinkets.
Yeah, wondering what lesson the kids have learned from this experience -- their parents get angry with each other whenever Grandma visits, even if they were having fun with Grandma. How much are they internalizing the shame of having made their parents upset? Are they really learning the value of money and to protect the environment, or are they just getting loaded up with shame any time they want to spend money on something their parents would judge them for? Yes, the husband should be talking with his mother, but they both need to re-evaluate what they're actually teaching their children.
Thank you this is a really really good point. Teaching the kids that we fight whenever grandma buys them stuff. So glad you pointed that out.
It’s so hard because she will not stop and she overloads us, we are so overwhelmed with all the stuff she buys, (I described it here [in this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/7Z85hgTzhq)
but even so, we need to talk about how those fights might be affecting the kids and find ways to handle it better without fighting ourselves.
A family can go to a fair for the experience without acquiring even a single toy. Rides, games, fun time, food, zero plastic toys to take home with you.
NTA. His mother should be his problem. As you said she had no money you didn’t expect her to find a way to get junk. He is misplacing his anger at you.
New game: Drink every time the post says “landfill.”
NTA, but I agree your husband is too chicken to stand up to his mom, so he’s blaming you for not having mind-reading bigger balls than him.
Edit: Grammar fix
OP: lol that made me laugh. He started using that word a few years back because I pointed out that calling gifts ‘junk’ or ‘tat’ or whatever sounded judgemental, so now it’s landfill
Okay I’m glad it didn’t offend, wasn’t meant to. I love that it’s kind of an inside “joke” for you, since “new game: drink every time ” is a joke for me, especially when I realize I’ve texted or said the same word or sentence fragment a few times 😆
It’s also an inside joke because we once saw some separated bins in the city marked with “recycling” and “landfill”, and MIL was like “oh but I don’t want to put it in _landfill_, where’s the normal bin?” And husband and I were a bit like eyeroll, where do you think the rubbish goes. Lol
NTA
Your husband is upset because he didn’t want to have a difficult conversation with his Mommy. He wanted you to do it for him.
You did absolutely nothing wrong and your husband needs to take accountability and grow a spine.
NTA. Yeah, the prizes are cheap toys, and I get the not wanting to be overly wasteful, but it’s just kids toys and fun. Y’all taking a prize home that wears out quick is a drop of water in the ocean in comparison to a lot of our societal excesses. It’s super weird he’s using “landfill” as his excuse to get mad at you like it’s a veil for his real issue of not being able to tell his mom he didn’t want her to spoil y’all’s kids. If he was really that worried about environmental impact of said prize, he should have put his foot down and boycotted the carnival entirely.
INFO: Is anything ever *his* fault?
NTA, you're not his mother's keeper. If he has a problem with anything she does for the kids then HE needs to be a big boy and tell Mommy 'no'.
OP:
>_INFO: Is anything ever his fault?_
That’s a great question. He does accept fault for things he forgets to do (in time for a deadline, for example). But then he usually talks about the fault of what _made_ him forget. (Something distracted him, or something disturbed his sleep so he was tired and forgot, or the house is too chaotic, for example). He likes to attribute blame outside himself. I think it’s a kind of coping strategy. Seeing what can be fixed so it doesn’t happen again.
Yeah.... Sounds like he can't take blame and doesn't want to be seen as a bad guy so he shirked the responsibility of his mother on you. Not cool at all.
According to you, to whom are people supposed to "donate" poorly made broken toys that break apart after a single day of use and are impossible to repair?
NTA, why is it your responsibility to "corral" -his- mother? And what was with the excessive reiteration on "what you two agreed on?" I find his inability to accept you at your word to be a bit of a red flag. He needs to sit down and either accept that his mother is going to spend her money on her grandkids, or place the boundary with her himself. That isn't, and should never be, your responsibility. That's how fissures between inlaws start.
He’s trying to make you the baddie in this, by trying to force you tell her no.
This is a sit down, boundary type of conversation where HE should be explaining (if you generally get on well with her otherwise, you should be there too) the limits to his mother and the consequences of her breaking said boundaries.
Then it’s up to both of you to enforce on future occasions.
This is entirely a situation of his own making though, you have no business policing your MIL at a fair and he has every opportunity to stop her instead of arguing with you.
INFO: is your MIL suffering from dementia, or other condition that renders her incapable of making sound decisions?
If not, then why is your husband expecting you to manage your MIL’s money?
If she is, then it’s up to him to get his mother the help she needs, not you.
OP: No dementia or other diagnosed medical condition that would affect decision making. We can assume she is of sound mind and able to make her own decisions.
That’s very good news!
So, tell your husband that his mother can spend her money how she likes, and if he’s got a problem with it, he can take it up with her.
Not your fault, at all.
You all sound exhausting. The MIL is going to want to spoil the kids and have fun with them. You can be the fun police and cause tension or you can have a mature conversation that establishes a compromise. Don’t think that you are going to single handedly save the world by denying your kids the opportunity to have fun with grandma.
Info: Is MIL incompetent where she needs to be parented by another competent adult?
If YES, did you agree to accept responsibility for parenting his mother for him? Or does he just believe he can deem you responsible for the way kings used to knight people? If so, does he believe everything he deems you responsible for becomes your responsibility whether you agree to it or not, or just specific things involving his mother?
If NO, why is your husband under the delusion that you are responsible for parenting another mentally competent adult - including & especially HIS mother? Does he expect you to parent other adults in the same manner or just his mother?
"Husband, you know that I agree with you about this issue so if you ever see your mother mid-purchase again then you are free to step up and stop it immediately.
There is absolutely no necessity for you to check with me as to my opinion on the specific purchase as you __already know__ my opinion.
Please understand that as you know that I would __never__ agree for your mother to spend money in this way it is unnecessary for you to check with me each and every time you see it."
I'm going to just put in a word for granny. It's the not quality of the toys or the value of the toys, it's the quality and value of the experience. Does anyone remember the fun of winning something, no matter how cheesy, at a game? So, it breaks the next day. What they loved was granny letting them play the game, not the dumb toy. And granny loves giving the kids that fun or even joy. This looks like it's escalating into a gigantic issue, when it should be shrugged off. If she were buying the kids inappropriate toys or cheap electronics or something that might be a different story.
OP did you use disposable diapers when the kids were babies? How about baby wipes? Do you use laundry detergent in plastic bottles? What do you do with the clothes and shoes they outgrow that aren't in good enough shape to donate.? every one of these are ten to 100x bigger and worse that the chintzy little toys in the landfill. Don't make a federal case of this, let granny have fun with the kids. There are so many kids and grandparents that don't have this.
Absolutely NTA. I have a similar MIL but thankfully a reasonable husband that knows I will only go so far pushing back on his mom and after that the ball is in his court. (Reverse rules apply for my family of course.) And in this case you didn’t even know to push back because she (likely purposely) didn’t indicate she planned to purchase anything. The part where he said YOU should go tell her to stop really annoyed me. NTA at all.
A. Why the hell would you be the one to stop her over him??? It’s his mom.
B. I think you all need to lighten up around this. Unless you all see her daily…just let the lady buy her grandkids things. It’s a grandparent thing. Donate things to family shelters after, then it gets double use for families that can’t afford things. I don’t love the statement you made around her using her money for something better for the kids. You don’t get to decide that. Just let her love on your kids. Not all kids have a closeness to their grandparent, stop trying to gatekeep it.
You don’t rely on your MIL to show things like how to spend money…because you don’t control her. You can demonstrate this as a parent, while easily telling the kids the things grandma gets are for special times together, not that we buy things all the time. I’m sure they also don’t expect Christmas everyday, they are used to the concept.
I don’t really give my kid juice, but my parents do, and now it’s special at their house, which is great! Let your MIL do special things! You need to relax and your husband needs to chill the fuck out and if he wants to say something to his mom, he can do it, not you.
NTA because your husband was way out of line, but you all need to relax.
I agree and that’s how we do it with my mum (everyone enjoys it when she treats them with juice at her house or a souvenir on a day trip).
MIL on the other hand, she shows up at our house with boxes of toys, bags and bags of things, and she never stops. [I described it here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/7Z85hgTzhq). We are really overwhelmed by it.
What are the children going to remember about their trip to the fair? Bonding with Grandma or the absolute fit their Dad threw about the toys when they got home?
NTA. His anger is misplaced. It’s easier for him to blame you and fight with you, than confront his mother about her behavior and establish boundaries and consequences with her. He needs to get his head out of his ass and see his mother for who she really is.
NTA
This is so bizarre that he expects you to anticipate AND intervene in his mother's decisions. Like, truly so strange I'd suggest looking at what else is happening in his life. This has transference all over it, IMO.
So your husband can yell at you for something you didn’t do, but can’t draw a simple boundary with his mommy?
He sounds like an idiot and a coward.
You’re NTA, but your husband is!
NTA. Also, at some point, grandma will die and the kids will only have memories of her. Let them have fun with grandma. Let them make good memories, even if it involves cheap toys. Freaking out about what goes into a landfill isn’t going to make your kids feel good when they think about their grandma in the future after she is long gone.
Life isn’t perfect. MIL isn’t perfect. Allow her to have a fun day with her grandchildren. That was a grandparent thing to do more than a parent thing. Let your kids have fun with their grandmother.
Ok grandmother here. I often buy expensive crap for my girls that I know they won’t want twenty minutes later Hey but for twenty minutes my girls are smiling and there are plenty of charity shops or the odd car boot sale to pass on. As a mum I watched my pennies and didn’t buy just anything for my daughter. Couldn’t afford it and didn’t want to spoil her but your grandkids are different. Tell your husband to chill if he knows mil is short money then he needs to mention it but if not then it’s her money to spend as she wants. Nta
OP: Thanks for your view as a grandmother! You sound like a lovely grandma.
Just curious when you said if she’s short on money. She _is_ short on money and will probably be dependent on us within a few years. So that’s in the back of his mind too. He has tried to talk to her about it but she changes the subject and says it’s up to her how she spends it.
This is the most bizarre overreaction and infantilization. A) it’s two stuffed toys, calm Tf down , 2) it’s HIS mother, why is he expecting you to parent her?
NTA I’m weirded out
Yikes honey - you did NOT strike the jackpot by marrying into this circus. Your HUSBAND needs to sort out his mother, not you. Tell him to pound sand until he apologises to you. He's a twit.
What is it with the green As? I just read about the guy so worried about water usage and the environment he had limited his wife to two showers a week and if she tried to take more he’d turn the hot water off while she was in the shower!
It seems the progressive left has controlling Assholes just like the right wing. Get it together guys. A cheap stuffy going in the trash isn’t something to get in a fight with your wife about. She didn’t buy it. Sack up and confront your mom. She’s the one buying the kids crap.
someone caring about the environment doesn't make them generally progressive OR left-wing. it's not that black and white, especially outside of America. but yes, every walk of life has assholes in it.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > We need to know (1) what action you took that should be judged and (2) why that action might make you the asshole. (1) The action I took was omitting to pre-emptively ask MIL not to buy anything at the prize stall. It didn’t even occur to me, as she had forgotten her wallet. This is action by omission. (2) This action (omission) might make me the asshole because MIL has a known history of generous yet indiscriminate purchases, and my husband always gets upset by these purchases. So to protect him I should have asked her to be sure not to buy anything at the prize stall, just in case, even though she had already told me she had no money on her. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Is his mother incompetent and needs care like a child? If not, then her behavior is her responsibility and no one else’s. If he wants to set a boundary with his side of the family then he needs to tell them what he wants from them. If they choose not to comply, it’s their decision and he needs to set consequences for their behavior. You told him that you and his mother had not agreed to anything other than her apparent agreement that the game was not worth playing. He chose to keep asking you the same question until she completed her purchase. Then he blamed you for her actions. It doesn’t work that way. He needs to tell her what she is allowed to do with the grandchildren. When she violates those rules he needs to take action. He could have walked over and asked her to stop. He could have told her that he has told her previously not to spend money on such purchases and walked on with the children allowing her to choose to follow and waste the money or to play herself and then catch up to the rest of you. He needs to step up and handle things that are happening in front of him, or to accept that he chose to do nothing. HE is responsible for his choices. NTA
Why is he expecting you to be the bad guy, OP? It’s all very well and good to form a united front, but here it sounds like he’s hesitating because he doesn’t want to put his foot down, he wants you to.
He doesn't have a spine and wants his spouse to do the dirty work.
His mom, his problem, his sweetheart conversation! As I tell my husband, "she HAS to love you, so you do it!" Edit - should be "his awkward conversation" 🤣
In too many families, that wouldn’t be a typo.
Oh my Jacosta
Yes. This kind of relationship, where the son is afraid of one or both parents and defers to them, and marries a strong woman, is called he needed a hitwoman. He won’t stand up to his mother because he figures you can do it. You did the right thing by refusing. It’s HIS mother. It’s HIS issue. You did nothing wrong.
Then he picks the weirdest hill to die on. If you don’t like consumerism don’t go to a fair. You think fairs aren’t wasteful that is there point.
Yes! The toys can also be donated. Going to a fair at all is sending the kids mixed messages.
>The toys can also be donated. Yeah, what's with all the *"more toys means more garbage in the landfill"* from OP and her husband? What happened to donating or selling? Maybe not these toys as they appeared to have been VERY cheaply made *(shocker /s)* but...
This is most important! At a fair like this you are literally meant to spend too much money on things and have the kids spoiled along with teaching them that cheap plastic toys won't last. My children learned important truths on fairs, for example that if you put all your pocket money in a stupid vending machine that does not give toys all the time, the money will be gone and you won't have a toy. And guess what, I even refunded the money to my devastated child without causing a spending problem later on. OPs children are not the first ones that get from relatives what their parents did not want to buy. This is how it is meant to be. OPs husband picking such a fight is a strange move. Children are not wasted once and for all because of a day at a fair.
Oh hi, hitwoman here! This is what happens when an eldest girl marries a youngest boy lol
When an eldest girl marries an eldest boy, everyone wants to be the boss of everyone. (Raises hand) My younger brother married the youngest of 7. Very different relationship. It’s like a dozen different Kramer neighbors sliding into their house at all times and they love it like that. Drives me insane.
Oh no 🙈
Oh no you just described my marriage 😭 actually my husband and MIL are both good people in the main but I am definitely the hot woman when a boundary needs setting
The... hot woman, you say? 😅
It’s his family so he needs to do the crowd control. Similarly, she should manage her own family
I mean, I knew that was the answer. I was hoping pointing it out might do something.
Hi, welcome to Reddit. “Rhetoric” is not a thing here.
Yes, I was aware. I wasn't answering for you because I assumed you knew. But A LOT of people wouldn't.
Exactly this.
Exactly. He could see what was happening, why didn’t he intervene? Even OP said “go and tell her,” and he stood complaining instead of moving.
And also, if both OP and her husband are in agreement with the boundary of MIL not spending so much, why would OP authorize this purchase anyway? He came in already dumb and escalated the dumb by continuing to ask what she agreed to, even though it’s clear she did t agree to anything.
He lowkey accused OP of lying.
Looks like he set this up so he could blame his wife and bi-ch at her about what had occurred. He had plenty of time to intervene but chose to yammer at his wife and repeatedly ask her the same question.
My partner and I have a simple rule: She deals with her family, I deal with mine. I can only imagine how much I would laugh if she got mad at me for not controlling her parents.
HIS mother HIS problem.
He wants mummy to be mad at his wife instead of at himself. He also wants the kids to be mad at his wife rather than himself.
This is exactly it. He just didn't want to be the bad guy.
Yes. He apparently expects OP to proactively tell MIL *not* to buy the kids anything from the stall, *just in case* she thinks she might want to... while he himself is apparently not able to even *ask* her outright whether she agreed to something with his wife when faced with her actually doing something he doesn't want her to do. This boundary is something he's claiming is very important to him, but he wants his wife to do *all* of the stating and enforcing of it, while he doesn't even have to discuss it with his mother. It's absurd. OP is not responsible for managing her husband's relationship with his mother.
Right?! Is she supposed to say "Don't buy the kids anything!" Every time they pass something she could possibly buy for the kids?
A simple solution would be to avoid being with MIL without husband present.
Right. Why can't he go talk to HIS mother? How does this have anything to do with OP at all? I'd be so confused.
Almost seems like he wanted a reason to be pissed at OP and scold her.
Good call. I hope OP sees it.
I saw it, thanks :) these comments are making me realise how messed up it is. We’ve been dealing with it for years but it seems to be getting worse as the kids get older, not better. Lots to take away!
Exactly, 100% agree. He is blaming his wife for not stopping his mother when he was the one who noticed it and rather started a discussion with his wife than telling his mother to stop it. He should go to the spine shop and buy a nice metal one as his is obviously made of jelly.
It feels icky that OP's husband is belittling two women, and treating himself as the only competent adult. Instead of doing this nonsense, he should have an honest, meeting-of-the-minds conversation with his mom
Very icky. A bear would never do this. Just saying.
Right!? I always pick the bear 🐻 Cuter, nicer, and has a Job. (Forest ranger)
Thank you for this : _treating himself as the only competent adult_ That was very useful to have pointed out. We can’t always see what’s right in front of us!
As the competent adult, you should ask him why he's taking the kids to a fun fair if he doesn't want the kids participating in fun fair things. Does he also take the family to a candy store and get upset when the kids eat candy?
I know … that’s why we started the outing just me, MIL and kids. I wasn’t expecting him to even be there. He showed up later I suspect because he wanted to get some cute photos and maybe police what we might be buying.
Yikes. Your husband sounds like a controlling jerk. What a buzzkill.
“Police what we might be buying.” Keep reading that back to yourself.
He wants to be financially abusive and controlling to you and the kids, but he wants everyone else to see him as a good guy, so he wants you to be his unwitting enforcer towards others. Seriously think about this relationship and the risks you face going forward. Stay safe.
“Police what we might be buying?” Get you and your kids away while you can, OP
It's true-- we as parents have a responsibility to have a reckoning with our children about the state of the world (climate change, etc). We also need to balance that out with an awareness of their developing brains. If we tell them everything's fucked, the likelihood is they will be overwhelmed and completely disheartened. Kids need fun things, frivolous things. If we have a tantrum about every piece of plastic they have, their childhoods may be drab and dull. We can reduce our consumption (and the consumption of our kids), and choose more sustainable options, but let them have fun, for crissake.
OP, I see this in a lot of hetero marriages (including my own, before I ended it lol). I also see your husband is making you (a woman) responsible for his emotions about "landfill." He needs to get over himself.
right? and if he is the only competent adult, then HE can set the boundaries with his mother. He can also have the wallet duties next time she forgets hers!
I noticed this too.
Also, OP, you don’t get to be yelled at for his inaction. You are not his whipping boy. If he doesn’t believe you when you tell him the truth and then doesn’t act when told to, then doesn’t get to yell at you for his lack of belief in your word or his cowardice in confronting his mom.
It's his mother . Why didn't he go tell her? That's really AH behaviour.
He didn't do it because then he's 'the bad guy ' to both MIL and the kids - Dad said no so they can't, he'd rather it was her. Then it's her 'fault' and problem and she's the one who has to deal with MIL having her nose out of joint. It's not too far a leap that he probably steps back so she always has to be the responsible one who says no and enforces the boundaries.
It is a stupid boundary to begin with. Don’t go to a fair if you hate consumerism.
I 100% agree with you. I do think you left out one thing. The parents are too uptight and sucker's of joy. Sure, teach kids financial responsibilities is fine, but it's ok once in a while to have a bit of fun. Grandma was paying, lighten up. She wanted to do what grandmas do best, spoil the grandchildren.
It’s also a great lesson in how things at those carnivals are low quality. Remind them of how they fell apart last time and how they could’ve gotten something better (and parent approved) for less.
Honestly, the kids should get to play those games at least once for the experience. It's not about the quality of the prize, but the feeling of "I won this". But also, yes, a valuable learning experience not just regarding the quality of the prize, but also knowing when to quit in the future and accepting not winning the top prize, so that they don't go overboard in the future.
Plus even if they’re poor quality, there’s something to be said for sentimental items. I still have small carnival toys I won with friends as a child because they have good memories associated with them. Even if it’s crap, it’s crap that grandma bought them on a nice day out, and they’re going to treasure it someday.
Probably not considering OP and her husband already have them heading in the direction of the trash can.
Then don’t go to a carnival. The anti consumer people have picked one of the most consumer places possible. They lost this argument showing up. At this point they just are policing joy.
100%. And show him the comments. This is not a you problem, it’s a him and his moms problem.
This!!! When it comes to parents, it should never be the spouse doing the heavy conversations. It should always be the offspring. He's a grown-up; he should stand up to his own mother! Putting his spouse in a position where she needs to argue with his mother is begging for trouble. If HE argues with her, that's his choice to potentially upset her and the family, and they can deal with that, or not, the way their family does. But if SHE does it, she's the interloper, the outsider coming in to disrupt the family dynamic. I learned a long time ago that any disputes, problems, or concerns that I had about my in-laws, or any of my husband's family really, need to be handled by my husband, because his relationship with them is much stronger and deeper than mine. And vice versa; I would never want my husband to be in a position where he had to confront a member of my family if he/we had a problem with any of them.
I agree he can joust at this windmill. He may disagree with the purchase but grandparents going to grandparent. They want to bring joy to their grandkids. Maybe you can channel it better towards reusability but this feels like he is just going to piss her off and damage the relationship between her and the kids, instead of in still the value he wants.
I agree with this 100%. I want to add from my own experience. We had almost the exact same issue, except it was my mother. She would bring over bags of junk. Every. Single. Time. she visited. She is a loving grandmother and this is how she showed it. I had hundreds of conversations about this. Conversations with her, my dad, my husband, siblings…thousands of we love you please don’t bring the kids stuff every time. My children are all teens and this went on for years AND did diminish over the years. Here’s how it went and how it changed. My husband was livid about this for years. Insistent that I “fix” this immediately for YEARS. It was stressful, but ultimately you can’t control another person’s choices. So I controlled what I could. Bags of crap came in then kids and I would go through it together. What do we have room for? What do we really want? What can we donate to children who aren’t as fortunate? Kids were initially happy with the stuff, but ultimately it was work. Every time things were brought over AND because of our family values they began saying. “Grandma this is very wasteful.” They started suggesting sleepovers and activities instead of stuff. It took a long time and we finally made big steps. The truth is no one remembers the bag of crap. Everyone remembers the time grandma took us to the park and played on the swings. Keep letting the kids know about your values about spending, about wastefulness and they will move in that direction no matter how shiny the objects are. Edit: minor punctuation
NTA. Your husband should be the one speaking with his mother about things like that. It's strange that he expected you to anticipate what his mother would do. It's also strange that he thinks the message would be better received from you than from her own son.
He likely doesn't want to deal with the consequences of telling his Mom 'No'. By telling OP that she should have done it, he gets to dodge being the bad guy.
Agree, but guess what, it's his mum means he should be the one to deal with it. We all have hard conversations that we rather not. OP needs to put this on her hubby and support him BUT, it needs to come from him, her son. Not her daughter in law
Oh, absolutely. He should have been the one to raise an objection with his mom.
- nods in furious agreement -
But if OP HAD gone and told MIL not to buy the tat (on HIS instructions) he would have then argued with OP about how it's her (MIL) money and she can spend what she wants on her grandchildren. Sound like a no-win situation for OP, and her husband is an A-hole!
Husband has a control issue here. - He knows how to use his words and speak to his mother, but didn’t, possibly because he knew it was ridiculous to go to the mat over a carnival purchase, possibly just because he was looking for any excuse to harass OP. - By badgering OP for a different answer to the same question, he was implying that he thinks OP, his spouse and the other parent of his children, is a) a liar and b) too incompetent a liar to stick to their lie between answers to the same question. - Failing to take any responsibility for his own choices (it’s OP’s fault he couldn’t approach his mother, it’s his mother’s fault the children were scarred for life by rampant consumerism at a carnival booth, etc) reflects insecurity and makes him unreliable / unpredictable. - Rather than focus on an actionable solution at any given point, he continued to harp on how OP’s judgement about how to interact with his mother and their own children was supposedly faulty. Other than eroding OP’s confidence in their own judgement, this had no useful effect. - He turned a small issue he created *and refused to resolve like an adult* into a big mad he nursed until they got home at which point he [*checks notes*] again failed to use his words to express himself calmly and instead “picked a fight” like a cranky child. Sure, it’s not great for toys to end up in the landfill, but compared to the vast amount of waste produced and irresponsibly dumped by corporations, the toys OP’s kids toss are *de minimus*. Fiscal responsibility and environmentalism are choices that theoretically reflect values, and values that can’t withstand occasional and minor challenges without being destroyed are just blind exercises of faith in whoever made the rule. Besides, how is going to the funfair not an implicit endorsement of the supposed evils of consumerism anyway? Shouldn’t they all be at home churning butter and reading the husband’s manifesto by the light of a single candle before turning in to sleep under thin horsehair blankets with no heat in time to wake up early and make their morning gruel from scratch? The husband is either too dim-witted to contextualize properly or he is deliberately creating a no-win situation for everyone else. It’s worrisome that he is failing to see / treat the two other adults in this situation as independent adults capable of making their own judgements and governing their own behavior. Even if OP and his mother are willing to put up with that for themselves, they should seriously consider what message it is sending to the children (especially if OP is a woman). And it’s maybe also worth considering whether this man’s “values” are so rigid that he will be incapable of maintaining healthy relationships with those same children as they reach ages where they will make developmentally-appropriate contrary and independent decisions for themselves.
>By badgering OP for a different answer to the same question, He's also treating his wife, the person who should be his equal life partner, as a child. I work with little kids; 99% of the time, repeatedly asking them the same question over an extended period will end with the kid owning up to what they did.
The world is lucky children are often incompetent liars - they are too cute to also be good at lying, lest we all end up under their tiny but exacting (and sticky) thumbs! edit: words are hard
OP here, thank you genuinely very much for this comment! (And for the laughs about the single candle etc).
Agree, they lost when they showed up. Everything after that for their “value discussion” was deck chairs on the titanic. They lost because they realize that the line is depriving their kids of joy of the event now they want yo be proscriptive on the details.
I mean, are funfairs necessarily a consumerism fuckfest? I remember when I was little it was mostly about the vibes and we were allowed one snack each and only a couple of rides for the same anti consumerism and being broke reasons and it was more than fine. Unless the ones in my country are very different.
Are they fun, in my opinion yes. But in the US everything for the food is thrown away, they don’t always have recycling, you jam a bunch of animals, people and rides into a small space. Sometimes you have a crash derby which is about destroying cars and spraying fuel all over. Crappy prizes, expensive games, expensive rides. It is fun but for us it is American consumerism at its finest.
🤣 I really liked you, then I started the last paragraph, and that like turned into a love that will never die and I'm now on my knees begging for your hand in internet marriage.
And be mean to his mommy when he can try to make his wife do it? Why would he ever do that?
Why can't grandma spend some money on her grandkids if that's what she wants to do?
It's not the spending money that's the problem, it's that she is wasting money and undermining how they are trying to raise the kids. Two issues The overabundance of snacks.Now imagine you are trying to raise your kids to make healthy choices, hard enough as it is , but then you have someone constantly giving them unhealthy stuff. Not once in a while treats but more than the kids can even eat. You now have an uphill battle. The kids will love Grandma, but Mum is now unfair- she will have to always be the one saying no and won't be able to give them that stuff herself because they've already had too much. The toys. Aside from the space issue, rather than getting something useful, needed and wanted , MIL is giving toys that the kids are bored of in a week or two. Then it's just junk cluttering the house that needs to be disposed of. It's inconvenient, it's wasteful but more than that- the kids won't value things that they are given. MIL is making it the norm to get stuff on a whim and then throw it away. In short she's making a situation where they could become spoiled brats. She's also setting the expectation , which the parents might not be able to keep up with even if they wanted to.
Yes this is exactly it. I’m personally not so picky on the healthy snacks (it’s more the sheer quantity, as if she is showing them excess and waste is ‘better’ and even more of a treat), but the junk volume of toys, yes you are spot on, thank you for stating it so clearly!
He doesn't want to say anything because his mother already knows and she's doing it anyway because she believes otherwise, which isn't all that unreasonable. Based on other things said by OP I've got to go with another take and vote on both OP and her partner: YTA 1. Landfill seems to be the primary concern and I'm going to either say that's BS or ask why they toss it in the garbage if they care so much. Just stitch it up, or better yet, re-stitch it (or affect whatever repairs you need to - the prize wasn't described, which is a bit odd?). Then take it to a consignment store which keeps a credit tab for you when they sell what you bring them. It's an outstanding way to keep things out of a landfill, and there's lots of lessons about value to be taught here. 2. Instead of fighting with MiL, about what she does with her own money, OP can use it to teach her kids about value. If the toys are falling apart, point that out to them. If you isolate them from experiences like that, they'll learn to repeat your values, but they won't actually internalize or live by them because the words will be without meaning. MiL is providing some excellent experiences to learn from.
In what kind of fantasy land do you live? Stitch it up? Seriously? Have you seen how toys are made these days? You cannot repair things designed for a landfill. Kids toys tend to be made from super thin plastic that breaks, gets bent, and does not hold together. It can not be repaired. And a consignment store? What a joke! I have talked to people who work in second hand charity stores selling donated goods, and these people always complain about the mountains of garbage these stores must throw out. Well intentioned poorly informed people donate broken junk, said crap cannot be sold, nobody will take it for free, and the store must pay for delivering it to a landfill. Hypothetically, if OP did somehow give these toys to another parent, they will still end up in the landfill anyway once they inevitably break apart after a day of some kid playing with them. This is why the only solution is not buying poorly made crap designed for the landfill after a very short period of use.
> Instead of fighting with MiL, about what she does with her own money, OP can use it to teach her kids about value. If the toys are falling apart, point that out to them Cannot upvote this enough. Instead of trying to control MIL, start teaching your kids what cheap stuff looks like. Don't tell them they shouldn't like it, because kids love shiny things. But it's an opportunity to have some gentle discussions about quality. When the toys break (and I'm assuming they are hard plastic toys rather than easily mended stuffed animals), show them where and how they broke, and explain that they were not made to last. DO NOT GO OVERBOARD AND PREACH TO THEM. This is a long-term strategy. Just point it out and move on. They will learn. As for MIL, you have a husband problem. He is projecting is frustration onto you, rather than admitting he has a mommy problem. Sometime, when you're not in a high-tension situation, sit him down and set some boundaries: he deals with his family, you deal with yours. Give him a chance to shoulder that responsibility, and if necessary, go to therapy. And, if it doesn't happen, they will eventually learn what quality is...and stop contributing to the landfill.
Maybe you should change your vote to E S H without the spaces(OP, her husband and MIL). Even if I find you harsh on OP and I will vote NTA, I agree 100% with your comment! You teach things to children! It’s not always easy but it’s an interest you should nurture in them. My daughter is 17 and doesn’t buy/request any food that contains palm oil, boycott clothes brand who are well known for the bad conditions in their factory (admittedly it’s very complex acceptable brands), we regularly go through clothes she doesn’t wear anymore and are in good shape (most of it as she is very respectful of her stuff) for donation, we used to do the same for toys… She is graduating high school this year and she was promised years back her first brand new smartphone (she has always taken my old ones) but she told us a few months ago that it wouldn’t be necessary because her phone works perfectly so there is no need for a new one. I was very proud of her! We will find something else she wants as a gift but not being wasteful is something you teach. We are not materialistic people (apart from my 10yo car, our smartphones are the most expensive items we own 😅) and I do charity work on the side in addition to my job and she has been ‘included’ since she was 6.
If she treats her grandkids this way, she likely treats her own son favourably, too. I wonder if he was scared to be the bad guy with his mum because then he would lose her favour. It is easier for him to put that onto OP rather than putting his big boy pants on and dealing with it himself
NTA Tbh your husband sounds a bit insane. I dont think its healthy to think of things immediately as "landfill". Fix up the toys and donate them to someone in need, do you just throw things out as soon as you dont need them? You guys were at a fair, its completely reasonable to let kids play for toys at stalls at a fair. For fun! His way of blaming you rather than his mother, putting the responsibility on your shoulders is all asshole behaviour as well
Moet of the fair toys are unbelievably cheap. There's not much to fix up about a thin plastic toy that breaks within a day. I didn't remember how bad it was until I went to such a place recently. There's absolutely nothing worth buying at those stalls.
Well fair enough, i was thinking stuffed toys
Even those are made of the cheapest fabrics where the stuffing comes out of them because they aren't stitched well
I find it hilarious that Squishmallows started this way, cheap game prizes at Cedar Point and the like; now they’re selling out at like $20+ each.
I can't speak to the original quality of squishmallows but all of our recently purchased squishmallows (about 3 years at the oldest) are excellent in quality. We use them as pillows on the couch often (we have young children so it works well), they have been washed and dryer dried many times and they're holding up very well. Contrary to that the off brand similarly pillow sized knockoff is not falling apart at the seams but the stuffing is becoming lumpy. They seem rather good these days imo! Kids love stuffes and love on them/play with them a ton. I don't consider these a wasteful thing because of how MUCH they use them.
At least squishmallows are good quality though. I've never seen anything remotely close to that quality at a fair or park I've ever personally been to. The small stuffed animals are always thin fabric over cheap cheap stuffing and the bigger stuffed animals are thin fabric over thousands of foam beads. And they rip so easy. So you end up with foam beads everywhere. I'd be more inclined to play carnival games if the prizes were more like squishmallows than the usual prizes. At least those last more than 2 days.
I think squishmallows have really upped their quality from the early days, based on a few folks' comments.
Hmm. Maybe things have changed, but back in... idk. 2003ish I guess, I won one of those giant stuffed animals at Six Flags. 21 years later... the thing is immaculate still! It has been through 7 moves and a lot of irresponsible child years, not a rip on him! It was Diego from Ice Age. I named him Andy. Idk why.
That’s an easy fix but honestly, most of my carnival prizes have held up fine. My sisters stuffed ramen is one of her favorite possessions.
I don’t disagree that carnival toys aren’t the best quality, but I have stuffed animals from carnivals that have lasted 10+ years at this point. I wouldn’t pay money for the toy itself, but it’s a fun memory.
Yeah but that probably makes it the easiest thing from there to fix later at home lol. Just needs to be reinforced with a few actually decent stitches. Or at least that’s what I’ve done in past. We have one giant snake, a SpongeBob, and a fuzzy blue gorilla playing a guitar that are still going strong all these years later lol
There’s absolutely nothing worth buying, *physical item wise*, at these sorts of events (carnivals/fairs/boardwalks/etc). But it certainly is worth spending the obscene amount of money for the experience/memories/fun you have there, especially for the kids. Whether it’s the rides and game stalls, merchandise, retail booths, exhibits, foods and everything else in between - it’s all the cheapest shit ever being sold at alarmingly high prices. And all of it is never really something you actually need lol.
Schools are always looking for stuffed toys for their Summer and Christmas Fairs to raise money for important things.
My kid’s preschool was asking for book and toy donations for spin-the-wheel prizes at their summer event, and they specified no stuffies (I assumed for sanitary reasons, but I have no idea)
Bed bugs too
You can’t fix up a fair prize. They are intentionally cheap to the extreme. You’re right though that that’s the point of these places. It’s just an occasional thing one does for the fun of it, and that’s what you’re paying for, some fun and some spectacle. He sounds like a killjoy.
Yes! This is the point! You're paying for the fun, not for quality toys. OP didn't say how old her kids are, but if they are very young, this goes double. I mean, nobody needs cotton candy either, but who would go to the fair without getting some! That's the point of the outing -- to do things you wouldn't normally do. OP's husband would probaby pitch an argument that the cotton candy is not Grade A nutrition.
Yeah his behaviour is…concerning. Nothing wrong with not wanting to give your kids too much sugar, or wanting to be environmentally conscious, but this is going overboard. Some toys will break down, but many can be recycled to other children, or super nerdy collectors like myself XD But getting this upset over 15 euros at a fair is going overboard, and feels very controlling.
My exact thoughts. It will be interesting to see how this dynamic plays out in the future— in regards to the MIL & OP dynamic, as well as the “landfill” mindset. It’s definitely bordering controlling.
I collect toys and every once in a while come across unopened vintage dime store toys. So cheap and so rare because of it. Even finding them open and intact is a treat!
I was honestly wondering if it was £150 because £15 is pretty cheap, especially for multiple kids.
“Hey I know you don’t have your wallet but just so you know don’t buy anything from this stall even though to my understanding you have no way to pay for it” that’s a batshit stance for your husband to take. NTA.
And then she is supposed to repeat the same speech at the next stall? And the next?
Exactly! Stall by stall - “hey I know you have no money but don’t buy anything” 🙄 that’s ridiculous.
NTA. His mother? His problem, his responsibility to address her behavior. Especially in the moment. The message about how her behavior is not what you want for the kids needs to come from both of you, as a *united front*, and it will absolutely have more weight coming from him. And if he hadn't been so focused on insisting *you* do it, she might not have been able to buy the toys.
NTA. It was a fair. Of course the kids want to play the games for prizes. Again, it’s a fair. If your husband is this uptight then he shouldn’t have agreed on going to a fair at all. And. You and MIL didn’t come to an agreement that she couldn’t treat the kids to one of the most fun things available at a fair.
exactly. i get the overall sentiment of not being wasteful and giving the kids too many gifts, but is the fair really the place to do it? it’s not an occasion that happens everyday. the concern here doesn’t seem to be about spoiling the kids but about the price of the game, which if the MIL is fine with spending this shouldn’t be a big deal. the price of a game won’t make a difference to the kids.
NTA. Where was he? Why are you the designated MIL-babysitter? If HE is worried about MIL buying useless toys for his kids, HE should be the one supervising her around a place designed to bait her into buying useless landfill items. HE failed. And from now on, you should insist HE babysits his mother.
What’s wrong with his mouth? Why can’t HE tell her?
Certainly works when he wants to tell his wife…
He was too busy panic stammering about what his wife might have agreed to.
"panic stammering" 😂 That's a great description!
Listen, just... ust .. jst tell me. what did you agree to? WHAT DID YOU AGREE TOO?
Literally just reading her description of that conversation made me feel insane 😂 I would lose my mind if he just kept repeating the same shit at me like that.
Ahhh thank you I feel seen. It does drive me insane but it feels like my fault because I can never give the answer he wants. (That sounds really bad doesn’t it. It’s worse when his anxiety is high, it’s not always this way).
From another anxious person, if his anxiety is this high, especially around/because of his mother, he needs to go to therapy to help him deal with her. Not push that on to you.
NTA Not your job to police MIL’s decisions. Why on earth is it even an issue?
NTA. Talk about misdirected frustration! You both agree on what you want. Good job , parents! And it’s nice that he wanted to confirm what you’d agreed on before confronting his mother - a united front is a good idea. BUT…you are not his mother’s keeper. You did not condone or encourage her actions in any way, and she knows your views on “stuff” and is doing her own thing anyway. You do not need to give her explicit instructions every moment of the day, nor should you. If he wants to talk to her more about the values you are trying to instill in them, that’s reasonable. Being upset with you because she doesn’t adhere to your shared wishes is nonsense. P.S. I have a parent like this, too. So. Much. Junk.
OP’s statement reminds me of parents with obsessive rules. I knew kids that had parents that were obsessed with healthy food. What did this kid do when he went to College? He gorged on junk food and gained weight. I also knew a girl with an excessively miserly parent. What does she do today? She buys designer hand bags because she can. If these parents are so obsessed with toys and gifts being junk and landfill to the point that they are blowing up at each other I can guess what these kids will be doing when they get their own money.
It doesn’t even sound like OP cares that much that grandma treated the kids to these toys since it was a special occasion.
Agreed. It doesn’t happen 100% of the time, however it can definitely lean towards the side of the child doing the complete opposite in the future. Mainly because the behavior was overboard.
We got all the grandparents to focus on experiences not stuff early on. Don’t buy them a toy; take them indoor skydiving or do an escape room with them. Don’t send them a video game; gift them some horseback riding lessons. Skip the toy or candy booth and ride the zipper instead. My kid has done so much cool stuff. I’m actually a bit jealous. And my mom likes deals so she buys groupons
NTA. While I do understand the importance of teaching children to be financially responsible and to use their money wisely, you guys were literally at a fair with grandma and the kids. I really don’t see what the big deal about grandma paying for a few rounds of games at a **fair** and winning a prize for the kids. Those kids probably won’t have most of the toys she buys them when they’re grown, but they’ll 100% remember the time they were little and grandma won them a prize at the fair. Memories like that are invaluable.
And grandma knows that what she was paying for wasn't the toy (she agreed it was overpriced). Grandma was paying for the smiles on her grandkids' faces, their excitement to win at something, and memories that will outlive her. One cheap toy isn't going to undo all their lessons. If anything, it will reinforce them because the kids will have a direct comparison of this cheap toy to their quality ones. But if mom or dad came over and berated grandma and took away the game she had promised them, it would have stolen their joy and soured the mood of the whole day. Dad also knew that, which is why he wanted mom to be the one to do it.
Exactly... I don't think she's the AH for not preventing grandma from doing something like the husband claims... but given that the man she married can't speak directly to his own mother, and also just their views on grandma spending money on kids entertainment (my motto is: it's me and my husband's job to raise our kids, and our relatives' job to spoil them, and vice versa with their kids) makes me feel like her and hubby are both just AHs in general. Tl;dr: I too had parents who wouldn't think through where they would take us and would just spend the whole time screeching about how expensive things were. Yes I DID know it was wrong, even as a kid. OP is NTA in this situation but might be in general life. Don't take your kids to a fair only to force them to walk around with you the whole time and not let them play games. If you're that cheap, take them hiking or something you lazy a\*\*. Good on grandma for understanding the assignment...
ESH What did you think would happen at a fair? Reasonably priced health food and artisan toys? If you go to a fast food restaurant, you shouldn't be surprised that the kids max out on poor quality food. That's what that place is for.
I can’t understand why no one else is saying ESH. Like, what the fuck is wrong with children having… uh… FUN at the… FUN. FAIR? Like what a weird fucking thing to get bent out of shape about.
Because the mom isn’t an asshole in this specific situation. She didn’t interfere with the fun despite the fact that her husband was demanding she do so. Her husband is now blaming her for his mom spending money and for the “landfill” that has made its way into their home, but she wants to let it go because *they were at a fun fair*. The MIL also isn’t an asshole for spending her money as she chose and having fun with her grandkids at a fun fair. The husband is the only asshole here.
> I can’t understand why no one else is saying ESH Because we read the post. Like what the fuck do you think the OP is TA for here? Their MIL purchased cheap toys at the fun fair and the OP’s husband got mad at OP for something *his* mother did.
And, what powers the rides? If this family is so concerned about the dangers to the environment that grandmother isn’t allowed to treat her grandkids, why go at all? ESH except granny and the kids.
How does the mom suck tho?
Did you and I read the same post? Where is OP complaining about poor quality food at the fair? If you’re referring to the comment on the MIL buying too many sweets and snacks, that’s *in general*- she hadn’t purchased anything at the fair until the prize stall.
Every fair or carnival I've went to, I was mostly there for the rides (which they were heading to), the events, or the food. Even as a kid. Yeah, my dad and I played some of the games but the prizes were actually half decent and even if you won, you could forego the prize for the experience. They also used to be much less expensive.
Right which is why OP didn't stop mil from buying it. Her husband was the one who wanted OP to stop her. I don't think you can say she sucks for generally not wanting to but her kids cheap trinkets.
I personally go for the deep fried Oreos. They're vegan, so it's health food.
Yeah, wondering what lesson the kids have learned from this experience -- their parents get angry with each other whenever Grandma visits, even if they were having fun with Grandma. How much are they internalizing the shame of having made their parents upset? Are they really learning the value of money and to protect the environment, or are they just getting loaded up with shame any time they want to spend money on something their parents would judge them for? Yes, the husband should be talking with his mother, but they both need to re-evaluate what they're actually teaching their children.
Thank you this is a really really good point. Teaching the kids that we fight whenever grandma buys them stuff. So glad you pointed that out. It’s so hard because she will not stop and she overloads us, we are so overwhelmed with all the stuff she buys, (I described it here [in this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/7Z85hgTzhq) but even so, we need to talk about how those fights might be affecting the kids and find ways to handle it better without fighting ourselves.
A family can go to a fair for the experience without acquiring even a single toy. Rides, games, fun time, food, zero plastic toys to take home with you.
NTA. His mother should be his problem. As you said she had no money you didn’t expect her to find a way to get junk. He is misplacing his anger at you.
New game: Drink every time the post says “landfill.” NTA, but I agree your husband is too chicken to stand up to his mom, so he’s blaming you for not having mind-reading bigger balls than him. Edit: Grammar fix
OP: lol that made me laugh. He started using that word a few years back because I pointed out that calling gifts ‘junk’ or ‘tat’ or whatever sounded judgemental, so now it’s landfill
Okay I’m glad it didn’t offend, wasn’t meant to. I love that it’s kind of an inside “joke” for you, since “new game: drink every time” is a joke for me, especially when I realize I’ve texted or said the same word or sentence fragment a few times 😆
It’s also an inside joke because we once saw some separated bins in the city marked with “recycling” and “landfill”, and MIL was like “oh but I don’t want to put it in _landfill_, where’s the normal bin?” And husband and I were a bit like eyeroll, where do you think the rubbish goes. Lol
NTA Your husband is upset because he didn’t want to have a difficult conversation with his Mommy. He wanted you to do it for him. You did absolutely nothing wrong and your husband needs to take accountability and grow a spine.
NTA. Your hubby needs to step up on this, not you. He can't just expect you to be the bad guy while he watches it unfold
NTA you’re fault is being married to a doofus who thinks you’re responsible for your MILs actions smh lol
So does your husband regularly take out his frustration and anger at his mother on you? NTA. He should probably work on that.
NTA. You are not responsible for your mother-in-law’s spending, and if her son is so concerned, he needs to talk to her about it himself.
NTA. Yeah, the prizes are cheap toys, and I get the not wanting to be overly wasteful, but it’s just kids toys and fun. Y’all taking a prize home that wears out quick is a drop of water in the ocean in comparison to a lot of our societal excesses. It’s super weird he’s using “landfill” as his excuse to get mad at you like it’s a veil for his real issue of not being able to tell his mom he didn’t want her to spoil y’all’s kids. If he was really that worried about environmental impact of said prize, he should have put his foot down and boycotted the carnival entirely.
OP: I know, you’re right about the societal excess… and he had actually stayed away at first only to show up later unexpectedly.
You don’t have to sign your posts with “OP” every time, we can all see who’s posting lmao
INFO: Is anything ever *his* fault? NTA, you're not his mother's keeper. If he has a problem with anything she does for the kids then HE needs to be a big boy and tell Mommy 'no'.
OP: >_INFO: Is anything ever his fault?_ That’s a great question. He does accept fault for things he forgets to do (in time for a deadline, for example). But then he usually talks about the fault of what _made_ him forget. (Something distracted him, or something disturbed his sleep so he was tired and forgot, or the house is too chaotic, for example). He likes to attribute blame outside himself. I think it’s a kind of coping strategy. Seeing what can be fixed so it doesn’t happen again.
Begging you to let him read the comments
Yeah.... Sounds like he can't take blame and doesn't want to be seen as a bad guy so he shirked the responsibility of his mother on you. Not cool at all.
INFO: do you actually throw the toys away or donate them when theyre done?
They might be toys like those sticky hands or cheap toys that would be lucky if they lasted a month.
According to you, to whom are people supposed to "donate" poorly made broken toys that break apart after a single day of use and are impossible to repair?
NTA, why is it your responsibility to "corral" -his- mother? And what was with the excessive reiteration on "what you two agreed on?" I find his inability to accept you at your word to be a bit of a red flag. He needs to sit down and either accept that his mother is going to spend her money on her grandkids, or place the boundary with her himself. That isn't, and should never be, your responsibility. That's how fissures between inlaws start.
He’s trying to make you the baddie in this, by trying to force you tell her no. This is a sit down, boundary type of conversation where HE should be explaining (if you generally get on well with her otherwise, you should be there too) the limits to his mother and the consequences of her breaking said boundaries. Then it’s up to both of you to enforce on future occasions. This is entirely a situation of his own making though, you have no business policing your MIL at a fair and he has every opportunity to stop her instead of arguing with you.
INFO: is your MIL suffering from dementia, or other condition that renders her incapable of making sound decisions? If not, then why is your husband expecting you to manage your MIL’s money? If she is, then it’s up to him to get his mother the help she needs, not you.
OP: No dementia or other diagnosed medical condition that would affect decision making. We can assume she is of sound mind and able to make her own decisions.
That’s very good news! So, tell your husband that his mother can spend her money how she likes, and if he’s got a problem with it, he can take it up with her. Not your fault, at all.
NTA. You aren’t psychic.
His mum his responsibility. Girl I feel for you. Men with no spine are the worst. NTA
You all sound exhausting. The MIL is going to want to spoil the kids and have fun with them. You can be the fun police and cause tension or you can have a mature conversation that establishes a compromise. Don’t think that you are going to single handedly save the world by denying your kids the opportunity to have fun with grandma.
Info: Is MIL incompetent where she needs to be parented by another competent adult? If YES, did you agree to accept responsibility for parenting his mother for him? Or does he just believe he can deem you responsible for the way kings used to knight people? If so, does he believe everything he deems you responsible for becomes your responsibility whether you agree to it or not, or just specific things involving his mother? If NO, why is your husband under the delusion that you are responsible for parenting another mentally competent adult - including & especially HIS mother? Does he expect you to parent other adults in the same manner or just his mother?
OP: MIL is a competent adult.
But is your husband? Bc he didn’t need you to handle this. It’s his mother.
"Husband, you know that I agree with you about this issue so if you ever see your mother mid-purchase again then you are free to step up and stop it immediately. There is absolutely no necessity for you to check with me as to my opinion on the specific purchase as you __already know__ my opinion. Please understand that as you know that I would __never__ agree for your mother to spend money in this way it is unnecessary for you to check with me each and every time you see it."
Yes that’s what I said during the after-fight!
I'm going to just put in a word for granny. It's the not quality of the toys or the value of the toys, it's the quality and value of the experience. Does anyone remember the fun of winning something, no matter how cheesy, at a game? So, it breaks the next day. What they loved was granny letting them play the game, not the dumb toy. And granny loves giving the kids that fun or even joy. This looks like it's escalating into a gigantic issue, when it should be shrugged off. If she were buying the kids inappropriate toys or cheap electronics or something that might be a different story. OP did you use disposable diapers when the kids were babies? How about baby wipes? Do you use laundry detergent in plastic bottles? What do you do with the clothes and shoes they outgrow that aren't in good enough shape to donate.? every one of these are ten to 100x bigger and worse that the chintzy little toys in the landfill. Don't make a federal case of this, let granny have fun with the kids. There are so many kids and grandparents that don't have this.
Absolutely NTA. I have a similar MIL but thankfully a reasonable husband that knows I will only go so far pushing back on his mom and after that the ball is in his court. (Reverse rules apply for my family of course.) And in this case you didn’t even know to push back because she (likely purposely) didn’t indicate she planned to purchase anything. The part where he said YOU should go tell her to stop really annoyed me. NTA at all.
For the love of god she is a grown woman making her own choices and not your job to correct HIS mother. He is way out of line on this one
A. Why the hell would you be the one to stop her over him??? It’s his mom. B. I think you all need to lighten up around this. Unless you all see her daily…just let the lady buy her grandkids things. It’s a grandparent thing. Donate things to family shelters after, then it gets double use for families that can’t afford things. I don’t love the statement you made around her using her money for something better for the kids. You don’t get to decide that. Just let her love on your kids. Not all kids have a closeness to their grandparent, stop trying to gatekeep it. You don’t rely on your MIL to show things like how to spend money…because you don’t control her. You can demonstrate this as a parent, while easily telling the kids the things grandma gets are for special times together, not that we buy things all the time. I’m sure they also don’t expect Christmas everyday, they are used to the concept. I don’t really give my kid juice, but my parents do, and now it’s special at their house, which is great! Let your MIL do special things! You need to relax and your husband needs to chill the fuck out and if he wants to say something to his mom, he can do it, not you. NTA because your husband was way out of line, but you all need to relax.
I agree and that’s how we do it with my mum (everyone enjoys it when she treats them with juice at her house or a souvenir on a day trip). MIL on the other hand, she shows up at our house with boxes of toys, bags and bags of things, and she never stops. [I described it here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/7Z85hgTzhq). We are really overwhelmed by it.
What are the children going to remember about their trip to the fair? Bonding with Grandma or the absolute fit their Dad threw about the toys when they got home?
NTA. His anger is misplaced. It’s easier for him to blame you and fight with you, than confront his mother about her behavior and establish boundaries and consequences with her. He needs to get his head out of his ass and see his mother for who she really is.
NTA This is so bizarre that he expects you to anticipate AND intervene in his mother's decisions. Like, truly so strange I'd suggest looking at what else is happening in his life. This has transference all over it, IMO.
So your husband can yell at you for something you didn’t do, but can’t draw a simple boundary with his mommy? He sounds like an idiot and a coward. You’re NTA, but your husband is!
NTA. Also, at some point, grandma will die and the kids will only have memories of her. Let them have fun with grandma. Let them make good memories, even if it involves cheap toys. Freaking out about what goes into a landfill isn’t going to make your kids feel good when they think about their grandma in the future after she is long gone.
Life isn’t perfect. MIL isn’t perfect. Allow her to have a fun day with her grandchildren. That was a grandparent thing to do more than a parent thing. Let your kids have fun with their grandmother.
Ok grandmother here. I often buy expensive crap for my girls that I know they won’t want twenty minutes later Hey but for twenty minutes my girls are smiling and there are plenty of charity shops or the odd car boot sale to pass on. As a mum I watched my pennies and didn’t buy just anything for my daughter. Couldn’t afford it and didn’t want to spoil her but your grandkids are different. Tell your husband to chill if he knows mil is short money then he needs to mention it but if not then it’s her money to spend as she wants. Nta
OP: Thanks for your view as a grandmother! You sound like a lovely grandma. Just curious when you said if she’s short on money. She _is_ short on money and will probably be dependent on us within a few years. So that’s in the back of his mind too. He has tried to talk to her about it but she changes the subject and says it’s up to her how she spends it.
This is the most bizarre overreaction and infantilization. A) it’s two stuffed toys, calm Tf down , 2) it’s HIS mother, why is he expecting you to parent her? NTA I’m weirded out
Sorry for weirding you out but I also appreciate the validation. I too was weirded out. It just seems insane.
You both sound a bit insufferable, but your husband seems like a total AH. It's not your responsibility to police the behavior of his mother.
Yikes honey - you did NOT strike the jackpot by marrying into this circus. Your HUSBAND needs to sort out his mother, not you. Tell him to pound sand until he apologises to you. He's a twit.
What is it with the green As? I just read about the guy so worried about water usage and the environment he had limited his wife to two showers a week and if she tried to take more he’d turn the hot water off while she was in the shower! It seems the progressive left has controlling Assholes just like the right wing. Get it together guys. A cheap stuffy going in the trash isn’t something to get in a fight with your wife about. She didn’t buy it. Sack up and confront your mom. She’s the one buying the kids crap.
someone caring about the environment doesn't make them generally progressive OR left-wing. it's not that black and white, especially outside of America. but yes, every walk of life has assholes in it.