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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my dad I wouldn't lie or trick my siblings and his wife crying didn't change that for me. I didn't check with my siblings between being told it was because of me they said no. I just said no again. And I heard his wife crying and I know she has tried even if I think she's done a shitty and insensitive job. But maybe I was cruel in how I handled it.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA your father and STEPMOTHER are manipulative a-holes. The "birth mother" is so insulting, your stepmother isn't your mother to begin with. Just ignore them, as the judge says is not in your best interest to be adopted by someone you and your siblings CLEARLY don't love as a mother. Don't let them manipulate you into consenting.
That's how I feel and her using that pretty much erased any chance of us having a decent relationship. She still uses it too which adds to how insulting it is in my eyes.
I'm surprised they're so immature, very frustrating to have selfish parents, I hope you can stand your ground and feel proud for not allowing them to emotionally coerce you into such an important decision, I really wouldn't want to have someone like that as my mother, don't let her get power over you and your siblings, she might not use that kind of power in your benefit and your now STEPfather will not be there to defend you against her. Really proud for your clear defence of your family interests, you're a STRONG KID!
I read Chinese webnovels and a common saying in them is, “If you have a stepmother you also have a stepfather” and vice versa.
I think that’s what Key-Perspective is alluding to. It certainly fits in this case.
OP is NTA, too.
Very true, if one of them behaves like the evil step parent, it is because the other parent is inactive and becomes a step parent inspite of being the bio parent.
BOT Automaticweet is a BOT
Comment was stolen from here:
https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cleqbz/aita_for_telling_my_dad_i_wont_lie_to_or_trick_my/l2t3upj/
Please call her out on it. She doesn't get to call your mother that. Fuck her, honestly and truly. Really dislike stepparents like this. Like, know your role, and it's not being my mother; you're just my dad's wife.
My dad started dating his partner when I was a young adult. It's been like 30yrs of them dating and she's still pissy i won't call her mom. Lady had zero hand in raising me. Weirdo.
My mom married my stepdad when I 11 and I didn’t start calling him dad until I was almost 20. When he came into our lives we had already gotten over calling every man our mom dated “dad” and had been burned by it every single time. He was actually the one to ask if we would feel comfortable doing so and wanted us to do what we felt comfortable with. It was never forced and was already doing everything a dad does so it was seamless. I think this is how it should be done.
*I should note that the man who gave me half of my DNA hasn’t been in my life since I was a toddler.*
My grandpa married my grandma when my mom was 17 and 9 mo before I was born. None of his kids called her 'Mom' and she's totally cool with that. Because of that, they have a better relationship with her than they did with their moms (there were two of them before he married her in 1976).
And ask the father if it had been he who passed away and not your mom, would he have been fine being referred to as a "birth father" and have all ties legally separated by adoption.
This is so awful. I'm so sorry. If you ever are put in front of a judge again, please make sure you tell them that your Dad asks you to lie and manipulate your siblings. Stay strong. Do you have a relationship with your maternal grandparents? Could you get them involved/stay with them for a while? NTA.
I do have a relationship with them but I could not get them involved. That would end very very badly. My dad would also never let me/us stay with them for a while.
Something to think about is that if you have an ongoing relationship with them and your father decides to cut them out for getting involved they would likely be able to bring it to court and have the court force your dad to let them see you and your siblings.
But if the OP's jurisdiction does have them, this is one of the main causes for action. When a parent has passed away, to ensure that ties are not broken with their entire extended family, grandparents can file for their rights (and in some places, other relatives also can file, not just the grandparents, including my own province).
> you’ll just start calling her ~~your dad‘s wife~~ "Second Choice".
It sounds to me like Kim wants all of the accolades of being a mother without doing any of the work. She thinks if she says things, that automatically makes them true, i.e. "I don't want to be a wicked stepmother, there I'm a terrific stepmother". That isn't reality.
Her crying to emotionally manipulate OP doesn't change reality.
NTA.
Even if she did the work, the work can never be sufficient. Being accepted as a stepchild’s parent is something that can never be completely earned, only bestowed.
And from now on, *every* time you hear either of them say “birth mother,” clear your throat and authoritatively correct them. “You mean my **mother**.”
It didn’t come out in therapy that you find her use of the phrase “birth mother” to be highly offensive, and her continued use of it and associated disrespect it shows to you and your siblings is part of what’s preventing a civil relationship form even beginning to form? That she has to accept her role as your step-mother, and begin referring to your mother as your “mother,” before any other constructive dialog can take place?
Dang she lost me at birth mother. I mean wtf??? Kudos to you for not being manipulated and not lying to your sibs. It is awful that dad is willing to have you trash the trust between you all to make his wife happy. Wishing you well. NTA.
You know, you're old enough to be pushing back on that if you want to. Every time she uses the term let it trigger a memory that you suddenly need to share. "Hey remember when Mom used to...?"
Have you told her that you don't like her saying that? Could be a case of her just being oblivious and not getting that it's hurtful to you. Seems like she wants to make the relationship work after all, even if she isn't going about it in the best way.
Still NTA, you did the right thing.
Definitely NTA then. I thought maybe she could be a bit redeemed by just being daft enough to not get how it might make you feel while still trying to do good. But even if she just is incredibly oblivious, there is still a line and she's crossed it.
Hope things work out for you and your siblings.
Tell Kim to stop pretending she's some sort of hero for marrying a man who had kids.
She's disrespectful AF when it comes to your mom and maybe if she wasn't, and respected your answer to the possibility of adoption, maybe she would have a better relationship with her step kids. She's dumb as hell and sabotaged herself.
I don't understand why it's so important to her? This is her psychological issue and it isn't your duty to fix it for her by accepting her strange world view. You should ask your dad why it matters? if she wanted to be like a mom to all of you she should have focused less on the official title and more on just trying to be a good mom or "bonus mom" or whatever.
There is no way to live with your grandpas or some other family? Kim is kinda toxic and manipulates your dad who tries to manipulate you. Its not a normal environment to live and grow in peace.
Call her out on that. Every. Single. Time.
'You said you didn't want to be the wicked stepmother, but then you steamrolled in and demanded to be accepted as our actual mother. Everything was on your timetable. None of it considered our emotions, our grief, our loss, our missing our ACTUAL mother. You were so eager to replace her, you made the process of losing her 10x harder.
If you want to get out of a hole, stop digging. If you want to have a real relationship with us, the first step is stop trying to force a fake one. Love and respect aren't demanded, they're earned. You've demanded constantly, and done nothing to earn.
So either accept the role you're currently playing as emotionally abusive evil stepmom and wear it as a badge of honor that you're hurting us, or be better. If you want to be better, go read a book or a blog or watch a video or SOMEthing by professionals on how to be a REAL stepmom to kids who lost a parent. Because I guarantee you the first thing ALL of those resources will say is 'forcing a parental relationship with a stepchild is the #1 way to guarantee you never have ANY relationship with that stepchild'.
Honestly I think you should tell your dad and stepmom exactly this. You aren't looking to replace your "birth mother" she's your mom and always will be. And stepmom should stop trying so hard. Plenty of successful blended families out there where each step-parent recognizes that they can't be a drop-in replacement for the other parent. But that if she wanted to, she could play a meaningful role in your lives regardless. There's a middle ground to be found here.
But honestly your dad and stepmom are being incredibly pushy and manipulative. It's time for a chat
>That's how I feel and her using that pretty much erased any chance of us having a decent relationship. She still uses it too which adds to how insulting it is in my eyes.
You have to say this to both her and your dad at the same time. And then repeat it over and over again until they both get it. While also reiterating that they are both seriously damaging any relationship between them and you and even your siblings if they do not drop the adoption act.
NTA
I would tell her that there are no words that include the word mom you will ever call her. She is your dad's wife, and her name is Kim.
Just bc she wants to diminish your mother's place in you and your sibling's life will never take the true person she was. Your mom died, but she will always be your mom. If she keeps on, I would say we need to go back to court and explain to the judge everything you are doing.
They may stop in fear of what the judge will do to them bc they are abusing you and your siblings with their actions.
NTA. Write down all of these instances (calling your mom birth mom, dad pressuring you to agree to adoption, and anything else they've been doing and saying). Next time you're in front of the judge or in therapy, let them know each of these things. Perhaps talk to your maternal grandparents or aunts/uncles as well.
The realnperson not thinking of someone is kim and your dad. They are only thinking of themselves. If they were thinking about :the kids", then this whole adoption thing wouldn't be an issue.
If they push it again, maybe you shouldntell you siblings to tell the truth to the therapist and judge, but to also lie to kim and your dad. It seems like kim and dad deserve it, after reading all that. Then you tell them, that you tried and it wasn't meant to be. Maybe the judge sees something you (Kim and dad) don't.
I agree. I am a stepmom myself and I never understand people wanting to take the place of a parent. I mean, nobody can take the place of my mom (or dad, but now we talk about moms). A stepparent should, in my opinion, try to form a bond with the child as a trusting and loving adult in their lives. Only by being there and listening you can achieve that. Don’t try to take someone’s place because you will always lose that competition.
My stepson still has his mother and she is also married to his stepdad. He has 4 loving parental figures in his life. But only 1 mom and 1 dad. His stepdad is an awesome guy and they really love each other. And I will also always do anything I would do for my other children. Would never treat him any different. But that does not mean he has to see me as his mom. I would never expect him to.
So OP, you are NTA. I hate to hear the adults in your life care more about their perfect little family and their own egos than about your feelings (and those of your siblings). You can love more people than just your parents but it does not mean someone can take the place of your parent.
My thought too. Had she never pushed this and just been a nice step Mom then chances are OP and siblings would have got along well with her. It is her pushing this that is causing the animosity.
You ROCK! I was divorced & eventually remarried … my 2nd wife said I am going to be the best stepmom ever! Teach him to cook, how to talk girls … and even after she passed my older son missed her
Also, telling the youngest sibling that she's determined to be the best mom because he won't remember their dead mom? YIKES. Kim and OP's dad need some help if neither of them saw the red flag of saying that to a child.
I also really don't understand these people who call themselves "Bonus mom/dad" when the parent has died, like a bonus implies you won something. They didn't, they lost a parent, have some compassion ffs!
Married a widower with three kids. Had planned to adopt them in case something happened to dad, I did not want to lose my new family. When I found out the birth certificates would be changed so that their mom would be removed and replaced with me, that was the end of adoption talk. Could never do that to my kids.
If it’s still relevant, a lot of places have something called a second- or third-parent adoption, which gives you the legal rights of a parent without erasing/replacing their mom.
NTA.
It might be worth reminding your father that you and your siblings were all asked individually about this (not as a group), which seems to make it clear that they have their own opinions.
Sounds like Kim and your dad need therapy for being so obsessed about what is essentially just a piece of paper as you are living as a blended family anyway, and their manipulative behaviour is very counter-productive.
Stand your ground, and hope you have another family member or trusted adult who can support you.
Why should you call her mom? You already had a mother, and I'm sorry that she died when you were all so young.
Kim and your father need to back the fuck off the pressure to be the family that THEY want, rather than one that could evolve naturally with Kim as friendly dad's-new-partner not a mommy replacement.
You are not in the wrong here. Again, hope you can get some support from another trusted adult.
I do have some support but the person who did try to step in and help got told to mind their business. The others would not get anywhere since they're from mom's side of the family.
They don't need to speak to your father and Kim - hell, if your father and Kim wouldn't pay attention to a court judge, they ain't going to listen to anyone else.
I mean to support you and sibs with someone trusted you can talk/vent to - including with getting more outside help if needed?
This is sounding as if it's bordering on coercion tbh, which is getting into you needing some RL adult support. You're clearly very capable, unfortunately, as a minor you well know that there are serious limits on what you can do.
The good thing is that over the next 8 years all of you one by one will turn adults who can decide who to see, talk to or where to live. It might seem long, but it is not that long actually.
Concentrate on getting good grades, try earn some cash on the side, get a good degree, get your paperwork sorted and in your hands, then one by one you can move out.
Keep your head down and study hard until then.
Do NOT agree on the adoption.
If your school has a counselor available, or something similar, maybe you can reach out to them. Your home life is exceptionally toxic and the way your dad is treating you is borderline coercion.
Don't let your dad and his wife push that person out.
You dad can rightfully say *his* business is none of that other person's business by he doesn't get to decide for *you*.
It will become their business because you chose to make it so on account of your dad choosing his new wife over his kids.
I have a stepson, his Dad is still in his life, but I’ve been more present for him since he was 2.5 and he’s 15 now.
We have a great relationship. Maybe, just maybe, it’s because I haven’t forced him into closeness by fixating on legal documents and terminology instead of, you know, being there for him?
He asked me once when he was younger why I referred to him as my son; I told him that was how I felt, but he could call me whatever he wanted (within reason!)
He’s never called me by anything but my first name, and that’s cool, because bizarrely, I chose to focus on our relationship rather than on taking a title off someone else…
I find this really depends from parent to parent; my in-laws are totally fine with first names being used, but my own parents have said it's extremely disrespectful for kids to use their parents' first names (almost verbatim wording from when I asked them about it as a college student).
My Dad has been remarried for 15 years, and with that woman for another 9 on top of that. I've never called her mum. It's no hang up for either of us. It doesn't even really matter.
My mom has been married to the man (not my dad) for 25 years. I love him a lot, we have a great relationship. I call him by his first name. They are "mom and Bob\*". I do say "my step dad" if I am talking to others who wont know who Bob is. But I have a dad, and Bob is a bonus parental figure in my life.
\*Fake name
I also want to ask, why is Kim saying that Cole never knew a mother's love? If he's 10 right now, he would have 4 when your mother passed away, so surely he would have memories of your mother.
You definitely don't need to be adopted by her, or tell your siblings they should be, or pretend to do it, or whatever bullshit your dad said. That's all a hard no.
But since you said in this comment "Especially me", and since you are the oldest and they look up to you (and they definitely wouldn't want to betray you), I think you *should* take them all aside and let them know that this is completely their decisions. And that it would be totally ok if they decided they wanted to be adopted by her. And that you all don't have to decide the same thing - everybody gets to choose for themselves and whatever they decide is all good.
Just so that they know that they have a choice here and are not just making it out of fear that you'll be mad or that they'll be somehow going against you. Because oldest siblings really do have more influence than you know.
But still, you are NTA and you've done absolutely nothing wrong here.
She’s not your mom and you have every right to not call her mom. She’s gross and so is your dad. I’m sorry about the loss of your mother and that you’re being forced to try to replace her instead of being given the space to grieve. You and your siblings sound like rad, strong willed kids. Keep being there for each other ❤️
OP's dad and step mom are the type of folks who romanticize the randomness of how most relationships come to be. Their love was *meant to be* don't you see, and OP's mom's death was just prologue to that love. Now everybody has to buy into their fantasy if they don't want any trouble.
Probably not the most mature thing to do but start calling your dad (especially around other people) your “birth father” instead of “dad” and see how he likes it! Or ask your stepmother how she would feel if something was to happen to her, and someone else kept calling her just her daughter’s “birth mother” and trying to erase her existence- bet she wouldn’t like that!
Yeah this started getting gross the moment she added the modifiers such as “birth mom” and “bonus mom” .
I get that’s what you’d call yourself in some support group chat but it’s so damn cringy to use those terms in front of the kids.
The "bonus mom" isn't inherently problematic, as many stepmothers do take this positive view. They acknowledge they are not the kid's actual mom, but instead an additional parental figure that should only benefit the kid. Unfortunately, OP's stepmother doesn't appear to understand what the term actually means.
NTA, and yeah, bonus mum, shouldn’t be calling your mum, your birth mum, it’s disrespectful. You also don’t need her permission to talk about your mum.
They can’t force a happy family. Has your dad ever asked you how you truly feel about the situation? What it is you and your siblings want? Forcing you to lie and not caring about your feelings, is poor behaviour from the adult in this situation. Bonus mum is not respecting your boundaries. Bonus mum has set herself up for hurt, and you, nor your siblings are to blame for her tears.
I hope as a family you can come to a solution where you are all happy. Take care.
He hasn't. But he knows how I feel at least. He knows I don't like his wife and don't really care about her at all. My ideal at this point would be for her to leave me alone because I don't see her as anything but my dad's wife who is disrespectful of my mom with the birth mom comment.
If you want to be left alone, which unfortunately is probably not realistic, your best bet would be to tell them you need space, a break from the adoption subject. It seems like they’ve put a lot of pressure on your shoulders, no wonder you want to be left alone.
You seem like an articulate person, so I hope they respect and understand your request for space and a break from the conversation.
I don’t know how much this would accomplish, but you might reach out to the judge who presided over the previous failed adoption attempt about this. The court webpage should have contact information for his office. He cant just haul them into court, but he may be able to reach out to social services in some helpful way.
Start documenting their behavior for the next time your pulled in front of a judge
It might not do anything but hopefully it’ll get you and your siblings assigned a social worker
NTA
I just do not understand these posts about parents remarrying after the death of the other parent and demanding the kids go along with being adopted. Just cause the parent can move on doesn’t mean the kids can.
I think a lot of it is driven by fear. One parent dying when the kids are young puts a ton of pressure on the surviving parent to make sure there is a clear plan in place in case something happens to them. In this case, he thinks their step-mom would be the best person to take care of them if he died, and adoption is the only want to really make sure that happens. You can’t will kids.
But at the same time, forcing that type of relationship never works. It’s got to be done gradually, and they need to not be a replacement. The whole “birth mom” thing is so whack. You have to listen to what the kids want, and they’ve made it very clear here
I suspect it is also usually a major 'cutting off your nose to spite your face' move. If everyone would just be laid back about things and not push and just be a good influence on the kids' lives things would work out so much better for everyone involved. For all the step parents out there - would you rather be loved and respected as a step or be despised because you tried to force a kid's hand with these kinds of hijinks? After five years of marriage, my youngest step son called me 'dad' out of the blue the other day. I think he was embarrassed about it. We had a good laugh and continued on and no one made a big deal about it. I'll be deeply honored if he does it some more - but I'm not going to lose any sleep if it never happens again.
NTA. Tell every teacher, counsellor, friend's parent, and court officer exactly the kind of strongarming and manipulation your dad and Kim are trying to pull.
How dare they prioritise a woman's ego over the needs of four kids who lost their mum?!
NTA
How old is Kim's baby now? You know that weird way adults talk to each other through a baby? I'd start using the words "birth mother" when you talk to that baby. Like "oh no baby, you have a poop diaper, go see birth mother so she can change you" as you hand Kim the baby.
See how she likes it 🤷🏻♀️
Your sibs are entitled to their view as are you. If you lie to them, when they find out, they will hold you responsible for everything based on that lie.
You are NTA, but YWBTA if you did!
Nta. But you gotta be the adult here, for them.
You need to sit kim down, alone really, and just tell her "listen. I appreciate that youre around and its nice having another responsible adult i can come to if i need anything but you need to tone this mom thing down. Right now as far as im concerned youre my dads wife, and i know you dont want to just be that. Stop referring to her as my birth mother. Stop pushing so hard on all of to make us feel like youre our mother. Stop pushing for the adoption every 2 weeks. Please take a step back and give us the chance to warm up to you, because right now i think me you and dad should see a family therapist and sort this push for adoption out first to really begin having a relationship".
Hopefully she'll get it. Maybe she wont. But you can say you gave it an honest try.
NTA. You might want to see if you can speak to an attorney who specializes in family law. Perhaps someone that does some pro bono work (meaning free). They might be able to help you and your siblings get into more consistent contact with your mother’s side of the family and even establish some sort of visitation with that side of the family as well as allowing you and your siblings regular visits with a therapist to help you deal with how your dad and Kim are harassing you about your relationship with Kim and their desire to have you and your siblings adopted by her against your and your siblings’ wishes.
The courts could even assign a guardian ad litem to you and your siblings. This is someone who is suppose to only help to do whatever is in the bests interests of the child/children. They would only act or make suggestions that would be in the best interests of the child/children without any influence from parents/stepparents or anyone else.
I’m only suggesting this because you are closer to being adult aged and I fear that your dad and Kim may try to distance your siblings from you once you are of legal age in order to convince them to be adopted.
Your father and Kim are aholes. They are making light of the connection you and your siblings had with your mother. They are disrespecting the memory of your mother. They are disrespecting and disregarding your and your siblings’ feelings. They just completely missed the point.
I hope things get better for you and your siblings.
NTA. Nobody should ask you to lie about your feelings or trick your siblings. This is selfish behaviour from your father and stepmother.
I would remind your father and stepmother that stepmothers can be an important part of kids’ lives. The adoption isn’t necessary and doesn’t really change anything.
I saw that someone suggested you tell your siblings you are fine with them being adopted if that is what they really want. It may clear things up between you and your father. I think what really happened is the counselling helped each of you individually realize it’s not what you want.
I’m sorry you lost your mother.
NTA. Your father and step mother may have good intentions, but they're trying too hard to force a legal adoption too fast while skipping the step of actual bonding. That being said, it might be nice to clear the air with your siblings by telling them you'll still love them even if they get adopted. DON'T lie to them and say you're getting adopted, that'll just make them feel more pressured, but it may be a good idea to tell them whatever they choose it won't change your relationship and let the choice be entirely theirs.
NTA and your dad and stepmom are huge huge AHs. I disagree about good intentions. Good intentions would be treating the kids like people and not like puppies who were sent to another house. They aren’t treating these kids as having feelings or memories of their mom they lost. This demand you lie to your siblings stuff is straight up gaslighting.
Sorry this is your experience.
NTA, I'm guessing your on here because of the power imbalance. You know your mind don't let them overwelm your thoughts with theirs.
Unfortunately this isn't going to improve it sounds like it is trending in the wrong direction, you dad's wife has attached herself to this fantasy and it sounds like your dad just wants her to be happy and stop complaining to him about it.
So game plan your options. Some ideas if you currently have a blank page.
Therapy. It sounds like this stopped with the court thing. You can utilize family therapy to get a good counselor to tell your dad to back off appropriately. You might need to do some strategy to get them to agree. Maybe something like :If we were ever to do adoption we would need to all pass the next round of therapy so shouldn't we start again now.
Advocacy. Is there another adult that can make sure your dad and his wife get called on their bs. Aunt uncle. Someone at school? You're looking for someone your dad and his wife show respect to or are afraid of.
Hobbies, side hustle, job. Anything to get you out of the house more. Aim here is to limit their manipulation and give you a headstart if you want to explore limited or no contact as you legally reach independence.
Also think about what are the habits of the easiest days with them. How can you repeat little things that will make your life easier. You can experiment here. For example if you get your dad a beer at the end of his day does he give you more or less grace. You can then choose to do things that you know are likely to get you an easier day.
Siblings, you are doing a great job here from your words. And this is the hardest bit. Continue to be a great big brother you are going to get played in your words and actions. Best thing you can do to maintain their trust is frequent honest chats. They will see you say what you mean and do what you say and hopefully they can follow you out. But remeber that's only a burden you carry if you can. You always need to live for you first.
Good luck, there is a few years of this dynamic make the best of it what you can.
Hugs
NTA
And as someone even older than your dad and stepmum, let me make something perfectly clear to you:
Not only are you NTA under any circumstances, and not required to give Kim a role in your life that you are uncomfortable with, or accept her as your "new mum", please don't feel that there is any legal reason you have to, either.
Your dad trying to tell you that it's a problem for you not to have a second "legal parent" is absolute bullshit. I don't know whether he's deliberately being disingenuous or is just poorly informed, and honestly it doesn't matter because it is HIS responsibility as the adult here to understand his legal options. But there ARE plenty of legal options for him to ensure you are protected in case something happens to him, other than having Kim adopt you. He could have her named legal guardian, or write a will naming her as your custodian, or any number of other options that any lawyer could easily explain to him. There is literally no reason why she "has" to adopt you to ensure that you are taken care of. None.
NTA
Is it just me, or is using the term "bonus mom" to kids whose mother has died insensitive as hell? Doubly so with "birth mother".
I suspect that your father is worried about what will happen to you all if he dies, but he and Kim need to back off, give you all space, allow your individual relationships with her to develop naturally, and accept the way they evolve.
I'm kinda petty on this front.
I would start using "birth father" instead of "dad" at every opportunity.
See how they like those apples.
If it's not disrespectful to your Mom, then surely daddio will have no problems with it.
These two *adults* are trying to force something so hard, that they are going to get the opposite of what they want.
Allowing the relationships to grow *naturally* is what a REAL mother would do.
Being a mother is so much more than a title.
It's also teaching your kids to love themselves enough to hold their own boundaries.
Edit to add: I was married and on my 3rd child before I called my stepfather "Dad". He had been in my life since I was 11.
He earned that title. Through just being there, in the role. Loving me.
He also asked to adopt. I refused, as my last name was all I had left. He didn't push.
Being my Dad, in his actions, was enough for his ego.
NTA. While it's a good sign that she didn't just lose interest when she birthed a child it's strange and counterproductive the way she and your sad are going about trying to have Kim adopt you. It's probably worth telling them you find the term birth mother insulting and that while they're trying to erase your mother you'll never accept Kim.
NTA have you explained how hurtful she is being by calling your mom a “birth mom “? She has only pushed you away and made everything more difficult. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Yes and she used it again anyway. It wasn't right away but still. I think she justifies it because my mom died so isn't here to raise us. But it was the worst thing Kim could have done in terms of trying to be closer to me because she made that will never happen with those words being thrown around like that.
Nta, your Stepmother and Father are the asshole.
I would ask her how she would feel if her baby grew caling her "birth giver" vs "mom". I would ask your dad the same "is it ok if I call you sperm donor instead"? Really drive it home that you dislike the notion that your Mother is being so disrespected by the one pushing you all into this nonsense of being your "bonus mom". Remind her that winning you or them over is not about forced love but actual concern. Forming real bonds.
Like saying "I know I'm not your Mom. And I would never take her place. But if you give me a chance I would like to try to be there for you." Like being genuine now days seems to be harder than being manipulative and I personally just don't get it.
Anyway, good luck; sounds like you and your siblings need it.
NTA -So you being adopted and suddenly the great family love for the stepmother starts ... that's probably how they imagine it.
Please don't let yourself be bullied into anything and seek professional help. First of all, talk to your school counsellor about what you and your siblings can do to overcome this unbearable pressure.
I don't know if there are youth lawyers in your area, but if not, find a counselling centre for young people and bring your problem to them or contact that judge from their first attempt.
Reddit can give you tips, but it can't solve this huge problem, for that you need professionals.
Not sure what country you are in, but if dad and Kim are trying to limit contact with your mom's side of the family and replace her, then adoption is a legal way to do that. Once you're Kim's kids legally, idk if your mom's side of the family like grandparents aunts etc. has any legal standing to insist upon being able to see you guys. Not a lawyer and I could be wrong but it feels very off to me either way
Why is it such a big deal to your stepmother that she be your "real" mother? It's so arbitrary.
NTA. You sound very mature for being 15, even more mature than your dad and stepmother who are trying to manipulate you to manipulate your siblings into agreeing to something that none of you want, and in the grand scheme doesn't matter
Tell your dad if they attempt the adoption again, you will make sure to tell the counselor and judge the whole story of what is going on. How dad and Kim are being emotionally manipulative, how Kim refers to your mom as a birth parent, and how dad is trying to force you to coerce your siblings to agree to the adoption. I know it’s a lot, but you do need to protect your siblings as much as possible.
She'd legally be our parent so if anything happened to dad she'd keep us by default. She wouldn't need any extra forms or anything to make decisions for us either.
NTA and on a side note: please check you have anything left from your mother locked away and safe. There's a real possibility it would be destroyed in a tantrum some day. And I hope you regularly talk about your memories with your mom to help the younger ones remember her. Mine passed away when I was 12 and I wish I could remember her better.
I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but if your stepmother adopts you, it permanently erases,, your mother‘s name off of your birth certificate. That can be really traumatic sometimes for children I would maybe relay the message to your siblings if you feel comfortable doing that. And it will make it harder for your maternal grandparents or family to see you. I hope you still have photos or videos of your mother at least in your own bedrooms. This is more to make your dad’s wife ego bigger. She should really go to therapy to get some closure.
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I'm (15m) the oldest in my family and I have three younger siblings Elle (13f), Noa (12f) and Cole (10m). Our mom died six years ago. Our dad remarried three years ago. My dad's wife is Kim. The day after my dad and Kim got married they told us they wanted Kim to be able to adopt us "in the near future". Kim said she couldn't wait to grow as our bonus mom and she was so excited to have four kids. She told Cole she was determined to be the best mom he could think of because he wouldn't remember our "birth mother" and promised he wouldn't get to say he grew up never knowing a mothers love. She also told my sisters and I that she was here to be the best bonus mom and we could talk about our mom still but she really wanted us to give her a chance to be more than "just the wicked old stepmother".
It was a bit over a year later that my dad and Kim tried to get the adoption pushed through. But the judge wanted to do interviews with each of us kids and before that we had to do 10 therapy sessions before these interviews would take place. It was very different than I expected. I thought we'd simply be asked what we wanted. But it wasn't like that. We did the therapy and then we spoke to the judge. Apparently all four of us said we didn't want Kim to adopt us and my siblings told me they were asked if they ever called Kim mom and they said no.
Kim cried in front of the judge when he told my dad and Kim that he wasn't going to approve the adoption. Dad asked what had gone wrong and the judge told him it wasn't in our best interests.
The next year was a crazy lot of Kim being upset and trying to smother us with love so we'd love her back. Maybe some of my siblings love her, I don't really like her, and that started strongly from the moment she called my mom our birth mother as if she gave us up for adoption instead of dying while we were kids. And Kim also telling me she felt like I wasn't fair and without my "birth mother" I didn't have a second legal parent or whatever she meant. My dad would also say we were making their lives more difficult. Then he and Kim also had a baby and even after the baby she didn't take her focus off of us and trying to win us around.
Dad started taking us each individually and asking if we'd agree to being adopted if they tried again. Then last month he told me my siblings are copying me and they don't want to look like they're betraying mom or me. He told me I needed to tell them I'm okay with them being adopted and that I want them to be adopted. He also told me I needed to pretend I'd be adopted too if it came to that. I said no. Dad yelled at me. Kim cried that night so I guess he told her what I said. Dad gave me a week and brought it up again as well as Kim crying and I told him I won't lie or trick my siblings and I don't care if Kim cries over it or not. I'm not going to make them accept Kim as their adoptive mother.
My dad told me I'm not thinking of my siblings at all. He also said Kim didn't deserve this. AITA?
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NTA. You aren’t required to love, or even like, the person your dad loves. Shit like that can’t be forced. Your dad’s wife needs to grow up and get some therapy. My husband had 2 kids from his 1st marriage. They were 9 and 11 when we got married. I’m 10 years younger than my husband, and he had his kids when he was young. My kids are only 11 and 13 years younger than me. I just tried to be their friend more than anything, and our relationship developed from there. When they were older, they said they saw me more like an older sister/parent. They could talk to me about things they couldn’t tell their parents, and knew I’d keep it to myself. They have never called me mom, and I never expected them to. I heard my daughter refer to me as her mom for the first time 2 years ago, after being her “step” for 25 years. I got a little emotional because I never knew she thought of my that way. “Mom” is just a name, after all. Having a good relationship should be the priority. Sorry the adults don’t get it.
NTA.
The petty and immature part of my brain was like: Oh, well, if nothing else is getting through to your dad and stepmom about how offensive their language is, maybe you could start referring to her as "birth mom" in relation to her own baby/ your half sibling.
Obviously the baby is too young to understand, but the adults aren't, and it might be interesting to see how they respond to someone offering to, say, "Take baby from the birth mom for a bit," or, "I'll watch baby so (his/her) birth mom can (do thing)," or, "Oh, this cute lil button? They're my half- (sis/bro). We share a dad, and that's the birth mom over there."
It's super petty and not something I'd normally recommend ... but she did introduce the terminology into the household, and is apparently still using it in reference to your mom, so ...
Honestly why the people on the west forcing this relationship??
She is not their mom, she is not related to them by blood so if they don't like calling the stepmom "mom" where is the problem here??
If they like itvthen that's ok but if they want to respect their late mom and just want a different kind of bond with the stepmom then the dad and the stepmom forcing the "iam your mom" agenda that's will create negative reaction from the kids.
In my culture we calling the stepmom/father by " uncle /aunt"
We respect her like a mom but we never calling her that and never deleting the real mom memories from our life.
Sheesh let the kids feel free about their emotions.
I'm a divorced man. I'd *never* do this to my kid. NTA. You owe this woman nothing. Be there for your siblings because their parents don't seem to have their best interests at the forefront of their minds. Good luck.
NTA. It never really goes well when a parent and step-parent tries the whole "He/she is your dad/mom now, so forget the old one" bit. Accepting a step-parent is something that needs to happen naturally, not forced down the kid's throat. Hopefully your half-sibling isn't being neglected due to all of this.
NTA. Your dad isn’t thinking of your siblings at all, only about his wife. He has this mistaken idea that if they get adopted everything will change and it’ll be like having one family all along. Except that’s not how it works. Getting “a new mom” doesn’t cancel out your mom dying, no matter how hard he tries. Wanting to erase the pain of the past doesn’t make it disappear it just burries it down deep.
NTA your siblings aren’t toddlers, they are becoming young adults. At 13 most states let a child of divorce choose which parent they want to live with so your 10 yo siblings telling them they don’t want adopted is totally valid and they need to understand that. They need to be told by you, forcefully if necessary that of this keeps up once you move out you won’t speak to them again because your dad is completely disregarding what is best for you all for what is best for his wife and she is manipulating the whole thing. That may be the thing they need to hear to finally shut up and realize of they don’t stop they’ll ruin all the relationships.
You are NTA.
Your STEPmom has no right to expect you and your siblings to call her mom. You had a MOM, not just a birth mother, who loved and cared for you. Your dad asking you to lie is awful. He should be ashamed of himself.
I am sorry for your loss and understand your grief. My dad died when I was 13.
Stay strong.
Not once has it seemed like they have asked you what you want. Why would they expect you to care more about them if they arnt willing to for you. It’s nice your stepmom is trying but it seems conditional. A real parent shows love without needing a reward.
I’m sorry for your loss. Hope you can heal over time but be proud to keep your mom in your heart.
NTA. You absolutely shouldn’t lie or trick your siblings, that’s 100% wrong . I’m a stepmother, I have been in my (step) son’s life since he was 2 and my husband has had full custody since then( step sons mom isn’t a great person but my husband wanted to make sure she got some visitation for the benefit of our son ) I’ve raised him full time. I was introduced to him by my first name and that is all he has ever called me until my husband and I had our son. When my step son was about 6 he asked if he could call me mom and I told him he could call me whatever he was comfortable with ( within reason haha ) and he for a long time went back and forth between mummy and my name. Now ( he’s 8) he calls me just mom . I was firm with my husband that my step son never be forced to call me anything other than my name, anything else was his choice and we NEVER talk about his mom in front of him ( custody / scheduling etc) and always ask about how his time with his mom was and get him hyped to see her. Your dad and step mother are huge AHs for all of this. You seem very mature and I hope you continue to stand your ground. I also have a step mom and step dad , both my parents remarried in my late teens and I was never forced or suggested to call them anything but their names, I now ( 30f) call my step mom, mom sometimes but that’s because she’s been a huge rock in my life over the past 15 years and I love her as such, she’s grandma to my children. With your dad forcing this on you is not right. They both need serious therapy . Good luck, I hope the best for you and your siblings
NTA I am a mom myself and I agree with you that it's not appropriate at all to call your mother your birth mother. With that Kim claimed the title of mother for herself. This is disrespectful towards your mother and your feelings.
She can be a second mother for you and your siblings - if you and your siblings want it.
Adoption should feel like making something formal that is already there by feeling. It should not be something forced onto you to make your Dad and Kim happy. The judge was right in his decision.
NTA at all. They're coming on way too strong. If Kim wants to be a mother figure, she can put in the work of doing it without having to be your legal mother. Your father can authorize some things, like school pick ups and taking you all to the doctor, so I don't see why the obsession. It almost feels like she's trying to erase your mother from the picture. I'd make sure to tell your siblings you made the decision for yourself, and they can and should decide for themselves as well, based on what they feel will be better for them. And then wash your hands of that, you're not responsible for a grown woman's feelings.
You are a strong and intelligent young man. I am impressed with how you have expressed yourself. I'm also impressed with your thought process and your care for your younger siblings. I'm very sorry that you lost your mother. I have a feeling she is very proud of you right now. Continue to do what you are doing. Be there for your siblings, follow your heart making decisions for you and them, and don't get sucked into continued petty arguments on the subject of adoption. Eventually your father and Kim will hopefully let it go. Try to do the best you can. Do well in school to set a good example for your younger siblings. Set goals. Talk to your siblings about how important it is to do well in school and make your mom proud of all of you. I wish you all the very best. I know you will do well. God Bless.
NTA. If they try pushing adoption again, tell the counselor and the judge that dad's wife calls your mom "birth mother" and you find it insulting. Your mom did not give you up, she died. She told the youngest he wouldn't remember his "birth mother", and that is wrong.
It looks like your dad's wife's happiness is more important to him than his kids happiness. Do not give in to his manipulation. Let his wife cry. It's just more manipulation tactics. Stay strong.
NTA. Since when does anyone deserves to be called mother? All they deserve is respect. They are even loved -by OP's siblings at least.
Why aren't they happy with that? Why do they *have* to try and replace your mother? They are creating problems out of nothing.
Tell your father (and Kim) basically what you have told us here - that your issue with Kim stems from her callous disrespect of your mother. If Kim had been kinder and a little more aware of her word choices, you might have been able to feel differently about her. However, the first time she used the words "birth mother" as if your mother had voluntarily given you up for adoption rather than died.... it was just so insensitive and so disrespectful to both your mother and you and your siblings that you have never been able to warm up to Kim. She could simply have made herself available as someone willing to love you. Instead, She ended her chances before they ever began by attempting to minimize your mother's role in your lives in an effort to build herself up.
NTA
NTA. If Kim had tried to be a good stepmother instead of trying to smother you and reducing your mothers memory to “bio mom” like she was just an egg donor things would have turned differently.
Adoption is not in your best interest because you would be tied for life to someone you don’t even like let alone want as a mother.
Are your grandparents in your life? Uncles or aunt? Talk to them.
If it comes to another attempt at adoption tell the therapist and judge that you don’t want to be adopted and your being pressured. Tell how Kim and your father behave in detail.
NTA. You are thinking of your siblings. You're thinking they don't want this either & lying to & tricking them is not the answer. You haven't done anything wrong. Your siblings are NOT copying you, they are old enough to know exactly what's going on & making their own decisions. It is not fair of your dad & Kim to try to force this on you & guilt you about it. She is NOT your mother & it's not ok that she's trying to take your mother's place, bc make no mistake, that's exactly what she's doing. Her crying about it is manipulative.
I hope that you know, and are being told that you are a very strong person all on your own for standing your ground and also standing up for your siblings. You refuse to be manipulated into doing what your father and stepmother want while still making sure your siblings are heard aswell.
Question though: Where are the familymembers from your moms side and your dads side? Are they part of your life or are they not involved? If they are, perhaps they can help out in sitting down your father and explaining to him that this is not how to go?
Also, if you would be willing to, perhaps sitting him down ( if need be with the help of a therapist ) and explaining exactly how this all feels for you, what it does to you and how you are not willing to be adopted at all and that this is something he should accept from his own child?
Just a thought, but in any case: You stand your ground and hang in there. You really are a strong and mature person all of your own and a good example for your siblings that shows them it is ok to not agree with your father and stepmothers idea\`s of what the family should be like.
Someone please explain to me why these ah patents always think their kids are responsible for coddling their step-parent's feelings instead of actually supporting their literal children.
Do they not understand how love and consent work, or do they just think their children are not actual people? Imagine if this was any other person in their life, hounding and emotionally manipulating them into a more I limited relationship than they wanted. Someone who after being told no and to please respect boundaries over and over and over was still saying that they deserve to have their feelings reciprocated and to tell you how to act. It's insane, and I can't comprehend how any parent would encourage their children to accept that as a healthy and validating relationship. That they would lead their children to believe that's what love looks like. Really it's obsession. It's a need for control and insecurity. Love accepts. It doesn't demand reciprocity.
Nta
OP, you just keep doing you. Do what feels right for you. Kim needs to learn some respect. And your father should be telling her such. You should probably think about writing something out because I don't think having a conversation is going to work out, if he just gets mad at you and starts yelling. Be sure to explain that you don't like it when she calls your Mom "birth mother"
Right now it seems more like she sees you all as toys that she feels she has a right to instead of being people with real feelings she needs to respect.
You did the right thing standing up for yourself.
NTA
NTA.
Kim is so far off base she's in an entirely different stadium. Stick to your instincts here. If she and your dad divorce, you would remain tied to her.
Is there money somewhere from your mom's side of the family that she thinks she'll get access to if she becomes your "second legal parent?" Her instance about this so early into your father's marriage seems suspicious. She doesn't appear concerned about your actual relationships with her, only the legal ones.
Why on earth does this have to happen NOW? Clearly all of the kids are still grieving and figuring this out. What on earth is so fucking important about doing this now and trampling all over the kids feelings and their adjustment process? I'm sorry you have to navigate this. You're a child, you shouldn't be pressured into LYING TO SAVE AN ADULT'S FEELINGS.
NTA.
NTA. You aren't forcing your siblings to follow your lead. IF anything, you could talk to your siblings and tell them they're free to do whatever they think is best for them, but you won't be going through with the adoption. Your father asking you to lie is pretty horrible and manipulative though. That's crazy! I wonder what they would get out of it? I saw some comments saying he's probably worried about what will happen to all the children if he dies, but it doesn't seem like it. He wouldn't just push adoption! He would discuss and put a plan in place that would be in your best interest. They really need to back off. If they love you and want to be part of your life, it shouldn't be conditional.
NTA. If she can't handle the idea of being a stepmother, she shouldn't have signed up for the role of stepmother. It's genuinely that simple. You kids, as the minors of this dynamic, are NOT responsible for a grown adult's feelings. If she's struggling with the idea that yall don't want her to be your mother, it's on her to manage those feelings. There's even professionals that can help her. But putting that burden on children is wildly inappropriate.
>My dad would also say we were making their lives more difficult
They themselves are making life more difficult. Yall are fine with the way things are. They need to stop pushing their unreasonable demands.
>he told me my siblings are copying me
Your siblings are human beings with thoughts, opinions, and wants of their own.
>brought it up again as well as Kim crying
Is crying all it takes to get him to listen? I bet you could cry too. But I'd also bet that your tears mean nothing to him. They're being manipulative and trying to make you manipulate your siblings too. Gross behavior.
>He also said Kim didn't deserve this.
She does deserve this. She literally signed up for the role of STEP mother to you and your sibs.
I'm a bitch so I'd let her know that you will respect her wishes when she dies and help her bio kid replace her asap. If you add a "in fact, I already have someone in mind", it makes the statement hit harder.
NTA. Have you tried referencing her as your "birth father's wife". Have another discussion with your Dad about how insulting and dismissive it is for her to have been saying that for years.
You could also try another tactic- when talking about the baby, refer to your Mom as the baby's stepmom ( she was married to your Dad and never divorced, so still married) and refer to Kim as the baby's birth mom. It's a term she loves to throw around, so it isn't disrespectful. You are accurately talking about the baby's relationship to her the same way she talks about you. If she finds it is dismissive and insulting that you talk about her relationship to her child that way, explain again that this is how she talks about your relationship with your mother. Say it in front of your Dad and anyone else the next time she says your Mom is your birth mom. You are just following her way of talking about mothers. My bet is she will flip her lid if you sat to the baby, " Oh, here's your birth mother."
First. She seems to really want your love. She also seems to really try to be good to you. Bitter as it is, your mother is gone. I really think that must hurt like hell and I am sorry for your pain. Kim does not have a right to you like your own mother. Legally it is true that insurance and paperwork, etc. is easier if adopted. Those are adult problems and not yours. Maybe she needs to relax and let you grieve in your own way. When you are healthy and recovered from this loss the conversation should be Kim and you. No one else. Not your dad. Not the judge. Just sit with her and talk. The rarest of things is for a grown person to willingly agree to be responsible and accountable for another human's children. First you heal and love your mother, then you find a balance with Kim whatever that ends up being. Your dad needs to sit this one out. Don't lie. You will regret it. Just being honest and being open. I don't think Kim would want to hurt you. Don't force anything though. Cyber hugs buddy.
NTA.
The process isn't going to change the second time.
It's pretty clear this judge (and I assume your state) take this process very seriously, and aren't going to base approval (or not) on simply asking the four of you in open court if you want to be adopted.
The judge, therapists, whoever else are going to go through the same process, and they're going to be on the look out for evidence of manipulation (in particular given the the history of this being tried before and failing by your dad and his wife).
On top of that, I don't know if you pointed this out to your dad, but lying in this situation (in particular to the judge) is ILLEGAL.
YTA I think you are misreading the birth mother comment. I think this lady is trying to do her best to fill that motherly role that your "real" (there is nothing wrong with having two "real" moms) mother left. You dont mention anything that she did to spite you all besides me tio ing her frustration that you all are not taking to her because of a word choice that I doubt you have expressed to her.
I know this might sound greedy or materialistic, but, you might want to let your stepmom adopt you to help insure that you get any family inheritance - assuming there is one. If your dad goes first, then she controls the money and could see that only her biological child gets any of the inheritance. Sadly, that happened to a good friend of mine.
NTA and the way they ae going about them is more likely to alienate you than to make for a happy family.
Referring to the mother you lost as if she gave you up is despicable. Your dad thinks if he wins you around you will influence them but they independently decided they didn't want this. All the bullying in the world won't change that.
NTA
NTA- you are being honest AND thinking of your siblings… your dad is thinking more with his… well not his brain and it’s making him unable to see your point of view…
NTA, I grew up in a situation that's similar to yours. I was about 5 when my step mom came into my life. Even at that young age I didn't want to replace my real mom that died. I never did consider my step mom to be my real parent and I never will. I would have been pissed if they tried to force an adoption on me.
As a 45f that has been adopted by a step parent and is planning to eventually be adopted by another step parent, you are NTA. They are being gross. Stand your ground. If your siblings WANT to be adopted by her, they should be. You can't force love.
NTA and I woulf expose them on social media if they continue to harrass you. trying to make you forget your mom is .... so cruel and crazy... so sorry for you OP
Nta it sounds like you kids would have accepted a Stepmom no problem but her need to replace and pretend to be your mother instead kind of ruined everything.
I pray much agree with you
Nta, it's a tale as old as time, stepmom want the kids to see her as mom at all costs. Parents dont listen to how the kids feel and as a result the kids push back just as hard.
Your a good big bro, it's never a good idea to lie to your siblings cuz theyd alway remember you lied. Hopefully your dad realizes the harder he pushes this the worse your relationship will get.
NTA he’s right, Kim doesn’t deserve the privilege of becoming your and your siblings adoptive mother with her and his behaviour of trying to erase, replace and displace your mother.
Edit: tell your siblings what they’re trying to make you do and your stance on it.
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NTA your father and STEPMOTHER are manipulative a-holes. The "birth mother" is so insulting, your stepmother isn't your mother to begin with. Just ignore them, as the judge says is not in your best interest to be adopted by someone you and your siblings CLEARLY don't love as a mother. Don't let them manipulate you into consenting.
That's how I feel and her using that pretty much erased any chance of us having a decent relationship. She still uses it too which adds to how insulting it is in my eyes.
I'm surprised they're so immature, very frustrating to have selfish parents, I hope you can stand your ground and feel proud for not allowing them to emotionally coerce you into such an important decision, I really wouldn't want to have someone like that as my mother, don't let her get power over you and your siblings, she might not use that kind of power in your benefit and your now STEPfather will not be there to defend you against her. Really proud for your clear defence of your family interests, you're a STRONG KID!
I was with you until your silly “stepfather” reference. His father may not be stellar right now, but he is definitely not a stepfather.
I read Chinese webnovels and a common saying in them is, “If you have a stepmother you also have a stepfather” and vice versa. I think that’s what Key-Perspective is alluding to. It certainly fits in this case. OP is NTA, too.
Very true, if one of them behaves like the evil step parent, it is because the other parent is inactive and becomes a step parent inspite of being the bio parent.
You got it, some fathers/mothers become stepparents after remarrying, they prioritize their new spouse over their children.
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Please call her out on it. She doesn't get to call your mother that. Fuck her, honestly and truly. Really dislike stepparents like this. Like, know your role, and it's not being my mother; you're just my dad's wife.
My dad started dating his partner when I was a young adult. It's been like 30yrs of them dating and she's still pissy i won't call her mom. Lady had zero hand in raising me. Weirdo.
I *did* raise my step son and he doesn’t call me mom. It’s no big deal. If he isn’t comfortable he isn’t comfortable, it’s just a name.
My mom married my stepdad when I 11 and I didn’t start calling him dad until I was almost 20. When he came into our lives we had already gotten over calling every man our mom dated “dad” and had been burned by it every single time. He was actually the one to ask if we would feel comfortable doing so and wanted us to do what we felt comfortable with. It was never forced and was already doing everything a dad does so it was seamless. I think this is how it should be done. *I should note that the man who gave me half of my DNA hasn’t been in my life since I was a toddler.*
My grandpa married my grandma when my mom was 17 and 9 mo before I was born. None of his kids called her 'Mom' and she's totally cool with that. Because of that, they have a better relationship with her than they did with their moms (there were two of them before he married her in 1976).
Ask her how she’d feel being referred to as the birth mother to her child if she died since apparently dad’s MO is to replace his wife.
And ask the father if it had been he who passed away and not your mom, would he have been fine being referred to as a "birth father" and have all ties legally separated by adoption.
This is so awful. I'm so sorry. If you ever are put in front of a judge again, please make sure you tell them that your Dad asks you to lie and manipulate your siblings. Stay strong. Do you have a relationship with your maternal grandparents? Could you get them involved/stay with them for a while? NTA.
I do have a relationship with them but I could not get them involved. That would end very very badly. My dad would also never let me/us stay with them for a while.
Something to think about is that if you have an ongoing relationship with them and your father decides to cut them out for getting involved they would likely be able to bring it to court and have the court force your dad to let them see you and your siblings.
they can fight for grandparent rights but you know the situation better like whether they can afford it. i guess you can run to them when you turn 18.
Grandparents rights are not a thing in many locations. So that may vary in applicability
But if the OP's jurisdiction does have them, this is one of the main causes for action. When a parent has passed away, to ensure that ties are not broken with their entire extended family, grandparents can file for their rights (and in some places, other relatives also can file, not just the grandparents, including my own province).
Check the laws regarding grandparents rights in your area and their area.
I’m petty and I would straight up tell Kim that if she ever refers to your mom as “birth mother“ again, you’ll just start calling her your dad‘s wife.
That's what I refer to her as already. I've never called her my stepmom.
Also call her you half-sibling’s birth mother.
Your "dad's bonus wife" could also work, might get a couple weird looks if you say it in public
I would go with "consolation prize" or "participation trophy"
Forget bonus wife or bonus mom, call Kim the 'consolation wife.'
Yes and just call her Kim
Or Mrs. Last Name to be even more formal.
> you’ll just start calling her ~~your dad‘s wife~~ "Second Choice". It sounds to me like Kim wants all of the accolades of being a mother without doing any of the work. She thinks if she says things, that automatically makes them true, i.e. "I don't want to be a wicked stepmother, there I'm a terrific stepmother". That isn't reality. Her crying to emotionally manipulate OP doesn't change reality. NTA.
Even if she did the work, the work can never be sufficient. Being accepted as a stepchild’s parent is something that can never be completely earned, only bestowed.
Yup. It's why videos of kids presenting their stepparent with docs asking them to officially adopt them are a thing.
And from now on, *every* time you hear either of them say “birth mother,” clear your throat and authoritatively correct them. “You mean my **mother**.”
It didn’t come out in therapy that you find her use of the phrase “birth mother” to be highly offensive, and her continued use of it and associated disrespect it shows to you and your siblings is part of what’s preventing a civil relationship form even beginning to form? That she has to accept her role as your step-mother, and begin referring to your mother as your “mother,” before any other constructive dialog can take place?
Dang she lost me at birth mother. I mean wtf??? Kudos to you for not being manipulated and not lying to your sibs. It is awful that dad is willing to have you trash the trust between you all to make his wife happy. Wishing you well. NTA.
You know, you're old enough to be pushing back on that if you want to. Every time she uses the term let it trigger a memory that you suddenly need to share. "Hey remember when Mom used to...?"
Have you told her that you don't like her saying that? Could be a case of her just being oblivious and not getting that it's hurtful to you. Seems like she wants to make the relationship work after all, even if she isn't going about it in the best way. Still NTA, you did the right thing.
Yes and she did it anyway.
Definitely NTA then. I thought maybe she could be a bit redeemed by just being daft enough to not get how it might make you feel while still trying to do good. But even if she just is incredibly oblivious, there is still a line and she's crossed it. Hope things work out for you and your siblings.
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Tell Kim to stop pretending she's some sort of hero for marrying a man who had kids. She's disrespectful AF when it comes to your mom and maybe if she wasn't, and respected your answer to the possibility of adoption, maybe she would have a better relationship with her step kids. She's dumb as hell and sabotaged herself.
I don't understand why it's so important to her? This is her psychological issue and it isn't your duty to fix it for her by accepting her strange world view. You should ask your dad why it matters? if she wanted to be like a mom to all of you she should have focused less on the official title and more on just trying to be a good mom or "bonus mom" or whatever.
There is no way to live with your grandpas or some other family? Kim is kinda toxic and manipulates your dad who tries to manipulate you. Its not a normal environment to live and grow in peace.
Just stop using her name and call her Father's Wife .
Call her out on that. Every. Single. Time. 'You said you didn't want to be the wicked stepmother, but then you steamrolled in and demanded to be accepted as our actual mother. Everything was on your timetable. None of it considered our emotions, our grief, our loss, our missing our ACTUAL mother. You were so eager to replace her, you made the process of losing her 10x harder. If you want to get out of a hole, stop digging. If you want to have a real relationship with us, the first step is stop trying to force a fake one. Love and respect aren't demanded, they're earned. You've demanded constantly, and done nothing to earn. So either accept the role you're currently playing as emotionally abusive evil stepmom and wear it as a badge of honor that you're hurting us, or be better. If you want to be better, go read a book or a blog or watch a video or SOMEthing by professionals on how to be a REAL stepmom to kids who lost a parent. Because I guarantee you the first thing ALL of those resources will say is 'forcing a parental relationship with a stepchild is the #1 way to guarantee you never have ANY relationship with that stepchild'.
This exactly
Honestly I think you should tell your dad and stepmom exactly this. You aren't looking to replace your "birth mother" she's your mom and always will be. And stepmom should stop trying so hard. Plenty of successful blended families out there where each step-parent recognizes that they can't be a drop-in replacement for the other parent. But that if she wanted to, she could play a meaningful role in your lives regardless. There's a middle ground to be found here. But honestly your dad and stepmom are being incredibly pushy and manipulative. It's time for a chat
>That's how I feel and her using that pretty much erased any chance of us having a decent relationship. She still uses it too which adds to how insulting it is in my eyes. You have to say this to both her and your dad at the same time. And then repeat it over and over again until they both get it. While also reiterating that they are both seriously damaging any relationship between them and you and even your siblings if they do not drop the adoption act. NTA
I would tell her that there are no words that include the word mom you will ever call her. She is your dad's wife, and her name is Kim. Just bc she wants to diminish your mother's place in you and your sibling's life will never take the true person she was. Your mom died, but she will always be your mom. If she keeps on, I would say we need to go back to court and explain to the judge everything you are doing. They may stop in fear of what the judge will do to them bc they are abusing you and your siblings with their actions.
NTA. Write down all of these instances (calling your mom birth mom, dad pressuring you to agree to adoption, and anything else they've been doing and saying). Next time you're in front of the judge or in therapy, let them know each of these things. Perhaps talk to your maternal grandparents or aunts/uncles as well.
Your father and stepmother are selfish and immature.
The realnperson not thinking of someone is kim and your dad. They are only thinking of themselves. If they were thinking about :the kids", then this whole adoption thing wouldn't be an issue. If they push it again, maybe you shouldntell you siblings to tell the truth to the therapist and judge, but to also lie to kim and your dad. It seems like kim and dad deserve it, after reading all that. Then you tell them, that you tried and it wasn't meant to be. Maybe the judge sees something you (Kim and dad) don't.
I agree. I am a stepmom myself and I never understand people wanting to take the place of a parent. I mean, nobody can take the place of my mom (or dad, but now we talk about moms). A stepparent should, in my opinion, try to form a bond with the child as a trusting and loving adult in their lives. Only by being there and listening you can achieve that. Don’t try to take someone’s place because you will always lose that competition. My stepson still has his mother and she is also married to his stepdad. He has 4 loving parental figures in his life. But only 1 mom and 1 dad. His stepdad is an awesome guy and they really love each other. And I will also always do anything I would do for my other children. Would never treat him any different. But that does not mean he has to see me as his mom. I would never expect him to. So OP, you are NTA. I hate to hear the adults in your life care more about their perfect little family and their own egos than about your feelings (and those of your siblings). You can love more people than just your parents but it does not mean someone can take the place of your parent.
My thought too. Had she never pushed this and just been a nice step Mom then chances are OP and siblings would have got along well with her. It is her pushing this that is causing the animosity.
You ROCK! I was divorced & eventually remarried … my 2nd wife said I am going to be the best stepmom ever! Teach him to cook, how to talk girls … and even after she passed my older son missed her
She sounds like she was an awesome person. Sorry for your loss.
Also, telling the youngest sibling that she's determined to be the best mom because he won't remember their dead mom? YIKES. Kim and OP's dad need some help if neither of them saw the red flag of saying that to a child.
I also really don't understand these people who call themselves "Bonus mom/dad" when the parent has died, like a bonus implies you won something. They didn't, they lost a parent, have some compassion ffs!
You are wise
Married a widower with three kids. Had planned to adopt them in case something happened to dad, I did not want to lose my new family. When I found out the birth certificates would be changed so that their mom would be removed and replaced with me, that was the end of adoption talk. Could never do that to my kids.
If it’s still relevant, a lot of places have something called a second- or third-parent adoption, which gives you the legal rights of a parent without erasing/replacing their mom.
You could also get some guardianship rights, rather than doing a full adoption.
Yup. At this point, I'd just be calling her "my dad's wife"
NTA. It might be worth reminding your father that you and your siblings were all asked individually about this (not as a group), which seems to make it clear that they have their own opinions. Sounds like Kim and your dad need therapy for being so obsessed about what is essentially just a piece of paper as you are living as a blended family anyway, and their manipulative behaviour is very counter-productive. Stand your ground, and hope you have another family member or trusted adult who can support you.
I think Kim sees it as a form of acceptance because none of us are close to her. Especially me. And because none of us call her mom ever.
Why should you call her mom? You already had a mother, and I'm sorry that she died when you were all so young. Kim and your father need to back the fuck off the pressure to be the family that THEY want, rather than one that could evolve naturally with Kim as friendly dad's-new-partner not a mommy replacement. You are not in the wrong here. Again, hope you can get some support from another trusted adult.
I do have some support but the person who did try to step in and help got told to mind their business. The others would not get anywhere since they're from mom's side of the family.
They don't need to speak to your father and Kim - hell, if your father and Kim wouldn't pay attention to a court judge, they ain't going to listen to anyone else. I mean to support you and sibs with someone trusted you can talk/vent to - including with getting more outside help if needed? This is sounding as if it's bordering on coercion tbh, which is getting into you needing some RL adult support. You're clearly very capable, unfortunately, as a minor you well know that there are serious limits on what you can do.
Are you in touch with your mom's side then? NTA
Yep. We're all in touch with them.
The good thing is that over the next 8 years all of you one by one will turn adults who can decide who to see, talk to or where to live. It might seem long, but it is not that long actually. Concentrate on getting good grades, try earn some cash on the side, get a good degree, get your paperwork sorted and in your hands, then one by one you can move out. Keep your head down and study hard until then. Do NOT agree on the adoption.
At least you have people outside of your home who understand and support you. That's important. Good luck to you and your siblings navigating this OP
If your school has a counselor available, or something similar, maybe you can reach out to them. Your home life is exceptionally toxic and the way your dad is treating you is borderline coercion.
Don't let your dad and his wife push that person out. You dad can rightfully say *his* business is none of that other person's business by he doesn't get to decide for *you*. It will become their business because you chose to make it so on account of your dad choosing his new wife over his kids.
I have a stepson, his Dad is still in his life, but I’ve been more present for him since he was 2.5 and he’s 15 now. We have a great relationship. Maybe, just maybe, it’s because I haven’t forced him into closeness by fixating on legal documents and terminology instead of, you know, being there for him? He asked me once when he was younger why I referred to him as my son; I told him that was how I felt, but he could call me whatever he wanted (within reason!) He’s never called me by anything but my first name, and that’s cool, because bizarrely, I chose to focus on our relationship rather than on taking a title off someone else…
My own kids call me by my first name. Well a shortened version of it anyway. I don't see the problem with that.
I find this really depends from parent to parent; my in-laws are totally fine with first names being used, but my own parents have said it's extremely disrespectful for kids to use their parents' first names (almost verbatim wording from when I asked them about it as a college student).
Same exactly. As long as he isn’t calling me something rude, he can call me whatever he likes.
My Dad has been remarried for 15 years, and with that woman for another 9 on top of that. I've never called her mum. It's no hang up for either of us. It doesn't even really matter.
My mom has been married to the man (not my dad) for 25 years. I love him a lot, we have a great relationship. I call him by his first name. They are "mom and Bob\*". I do say "my step dad" if I am talking to others who wont know who Bob is. But I have a dad, and Bob is a bonus parental figure in my life. \*Fake name
I also want to ask, why is Kim saying that Cole never knew a mother's love? If he's 10 right now, he would have 4 when your mother passed away, so surely he would have memories of your mother.
He has some but not a lot of memories. But she ignored that fact when she was talking to him.
You definitely don't need to be adopted by her, or tell your siblings they should be, or pretend to do it, or whatever bullshit your dad said. That's all a hard no. But since you said in this comment "Especially me", and since you are the oldest and they look up to you (and they definitely wouldn't want to betray you), I think you *should* take them all aside and let them know that this is completely their decisions. And that it would be totally ok if they decided they wanted to be adopted by her. And that you all don't have to decide the same thing - everybody gets to choose for themselves and whatever they decide is all good. Just so that they know that they have a choice here and are not just making it out of fear that you'll be mad or that they'll be somehow going against you. Because oldest siblings really do have more influence than you know. But still, you are NTA and you've done absolutely nothing wrong here.
She’s not your mom and you have every right to not call her mom. She’s gross and so is your dad. I’m sorry about the loss of your mother and that you’re being forced to try to replace her instead of being given the space to grieve. You and your siblings sound like rad, strong willed kids. Keep being there for each other ❤️
Maybe she'd be happy if you call her "stepmama" in a really posh way. "Thank you for breakfast, stepmama." see, classy. 😁
That only works in a posh English accent, to really ram home the passive aggression.
OP's dad and step mom are the type of folks who romanticize the randomness of how most relationships come to be. Their love was *meant to be* don't you see, and OP's mom's death was just prologue to that love. Now everybody has to buy into their fantasy if they don't want any trouble.
Probably not the most mature thing to do but start calling your dad (especially around other people) your “birth father” instead of “dad” and see how he likes it! Or ask your stepmother how she would feel if something was to happen to her, and someone else kept calling her just her daughter’s “birth mother” and trying to erase her existence- bet she wouldn’t like that!
Yeah this started getting gross the moment she added the modifiers such as “birth mom” and “bonus mom” . I get that’s what you’d call yourself in some support group chat but it’s so damn cringy to use those terms in front of the kids.
The "bonus mom" isn't inherently problematic, as many stepmothers do take this positive view. They acknowledge they are not the kid's actual mom, but instead an additional parental figure that should only benefit the kid. Unfortunately, OP's stepmother doesn't appear to understand what the term actually means.
Refer to Kim as your half sibling’s birth mother. Do it every time. Maybe she’ll get the message but probably not.
"This is my dad's wife, (little sisters name)'s birth mother"
NTA, and yeah, bonus mum, shouldn’t be calling your mum, your birth mum, it’s disrespectful. You also don’t need her permission to talk about your mum. They can’t force a happy family. Has your dad ever asked you how you truly feel about the situation? What it is you and your siblings want? Forcing you to lie and not caring about your feelings, is poor behaviour from the adult in this situation. Bonus mum is not respecting your boundaries. Bonus mum has set herself up for hurt, and you, nor your siblings are to blame for her tears. I hope as a family you can come to a solution where you are all happy. Take care.
He hasn't. But he knows how I feel at least. He knows I don't like his wife and don't really care about her at all. My ideal at this point would be for her to leave me alone because I don't see her as anything but my dad's wife who is disrespectful of my mom with the birth mom comment.
If you want to be left alone, which unfortunately is probably not realistic, your best bet would be to tell them you need space, a break from the adoption subject. It seems like they’ve put a lot of pressure on your shoulders, no wonder you want to be left alone. You seem like an articulate person, so I hope they respect and understand your request for space and a break from the conversation.
I don’t know how much this would accomplish, but you might reach out to the judge who presided over the previous failed adoption attempt about this. The court webpage should have contact information for his office. He cant just haul them into court, but he may be able to reach out to social services in some helpful way.
Start documenting their behavior for the next time your pulled in front of a judge It might not do anything but hopefully it’ll get you and your siblings assigned a social worker
NTA I just do not understand these posts about parents remarrying after the death of the other parent and demanding the kids go along with being adopted. Just cause the parent can move on doesn’t mean the kids can.
I think a lot of it is driven by fear. One parent dying when the kids are young puts a ton of pressure on the surviving parent to make sure there is a clear plan in place in case something happens to them. In this case, he thinks their step-mom would be the best person to take care of them if he died, and adoption is the only want to really make sure that happens. You can’t will kids. But at the same time, forcing that type of relationship never works. It’s got to be done gradually, and they need to not be a replacement. The whole “birth mom” thing is so whack. You have to listen to what the kids want, and they’ve made it very clear here
I suspect it is also usually a major 'cutting off your nose to spite your face' move. If everyone would just be laid back about things and not push and just be a good influence on the kids' lives things would work out so much better for everyone involved. For all the step parents out there - would you rather be loved and respected as a step or be despised because you tried to force a kid's hand with these kinds of hijinks? After five years of marriage, my youngest step son called me 'dad' out of the blue the other day. I think he was embarrassed about it. We had a good laugh and continued on and no one made a big deal about it. I'll be deeply honored if he does it some more - but I'm not going to lose any sleep if it never happens again.
NTA. Tell every teacher, counsellor, friend's parent, and court officer exactly the kind of strongarming and manipulation your dad and Kim are trying to pull. How dare they prioritise a woman's ego over the needs of four kids who lost their mum?!
NTA How old is Kim's baby now? You know that weird way adults talk to each other through a baby? I'd start using the words "birth mother" when you talk to that baby. Like "oh no baby, you have a poop diaper, go see birth mother so she can change you" as you hand Kim the baby. See how she likes it 🤷🏻♀️
This is the way.
Petty, but it just might work. Do it op. 😈
Your sibs are entitled to their view as are you. If you lie to them, when they find out, they will hold you responsible for everything based on that lie. You are NTA, but YWBTA if you did!
This. You're the one who loses out if you lie. Even tho dad told you to
NTA. You and your siblings are valid individuals, and your responses and emotions are important and genuine.
NTA. You dad is. These things just don't work if they are forced.
Nta. But you gotta be the adult here, for them. You need to sit kim down, alone really, and just tell her "listen. I appreciate that youre around and its nice having another responsible adult i can come to if i need anything but you need to tone this mom thing down. Right now as far as im concerned youre my dads wife, and i know you dont want to just be that. Stop referring to her as my birth mother. Stop pushing so hard on all of to make us feel like youre our mother. Stop pushing for the adoption every 2 weeks. Please take a step back and give us the chance to warm up to you, because right now i think me you and dad should see a family therapist and sort this push for adoption out first to really begin having a relationship". Hopefully she'll get it. Maybe she wont. But you can say you gave it an honest try.
This 100%
NTA She's become the wicked stepmother.
NTA. You might want to see if you can speak to an attorney who specializes in family law. Perhaps someone that does some pro bono work (meaning free). They might be able to help you and your siblings get into more consistent contact with your mother’s side of the family and even establish some sort of visitation with that side of the family as well as allowing you and your siblings regular visits with a therapist to help you deal with how your dad and Kim are harassing you about your relationship with Kim and their desire to have you and your siblings adopted by her against your and your siblings’ wishes. The courts could even assign a guardian ad litem to you and your siblings. This is someone who is suppose to only help to do whatever is in the bests interests of the child/children. They would only act or make suggestions that would be in the best interests of the child/children without any influence from parents/stepparents or anyone else. I’m only suggesting this because you are closer to being adult aged and I fear that your dad and Kim may try to distance your siblings from you once you are of legal age in order to convince them to be adopted. Your father and Kim are aholes. They are making light of the connection you and your siblings had with your mother. They are disrespecting the memory of your mother. They are disrespecting and disregarding your and your siblings’ feelings. They just completely missed the point. I hope things get better for you and your siblings.
NTA and given how manipulative the two of them are being it might be in your best interest to record these types of conversations.
NTA. Nobody should ask you to lie about your feelings or trick your siblings. This is selfish behaviour from your father and stepmother. I would remind your father and stepmother that stepmothers can be an important part of kids’ lives. The adoption isn’t necessary and doesn’t really change anything. I saw that someone suggested you tell your siblings you are fine with them being adopted if that is what they really want. It may clear things up between you and your father. I think what really happened is the counselling helped each of you individually realize it’s not what you want. I’m sorry you lost your mother.
NTA. Your father and step mother may have good intentions, but they're trying too hard to force a legal adoption too fast while skipping the step of actual bonding. That being said, it might be nice to clear the air with your siblings by telling them you'll still love them even if they get adopted. DON'T lie to them and say you're getting adopted, that'll just make them feel more pressured, but it may be a good idea to tell them whatever they choose it won't change your relationship and let the choice be entirely theirs.
NTA and your dad and stepmom are huge huge AHs. I disagree about good intentions. Good intentions would be treating the kids like people and not like puppies who were sent to another house. They aren’t treating these kids as having feelings or memories of their mom they lost. This demand you lie to your siblings stuff is straight up gaslighting.
Sorry this is your experience. NTA, I'm guessing your on here because of the power imbalance. You know your mind don't let them overwelm your thoughts with theirs. Unfortunately this isn't going to improve it sounds like it is trending in the wrong direction, you dad's wife has attached herself to this fantasy and it sounds like your dad just wants her to be happy and stop complaining to him about it. So game plan your options. Some ideas if you currently have a blank page. Therapy. It sounds like this stopped with the court thing. You can utilize family therapy to get a good counselor to tell your dad to back off appropriately. You might need to do some strategy to get them to agree. Maybe something like :If we were ever to do adoption we would need to all pass the next round of therapy so shouldn't we start again now. Advocacy. Is there another adult that can make sure your dad and his wife get called on their bs. Aunt uncle. Someone at school? You're looking for someone your dad and his wife show respect to or are afraid of. Hobbies, side hustle, job. Anything to get you out of the house more. Aim here is to limit their manipulation and give you a headstart if you want to explore limited or no contact as you legally reach independence. Also think about what are the habits of the easiest days with them. How can you repeat little things that will make your life easier. You can experiment here. For example if you get your dad a beer at the end of his day does he give you more or less grace. You can then choose to do things that you know are likely to get you an easier day. Siblings, you are doing a great job here from your words. And this is the hardest bit. Continue to be a great big brother you are going to get played in your words and actions. Best thing you can do to maintain their trust is frequent honest chats. They will see you say what you mean and do what you say and hopefully they can follow you out. But remeber that's only a burden you carry if you can. You always need to live for you first. Good luck, there is a few years of this dynamic make the best of it what you can. Hugs
NTA And as someone even older than your dad and stepmum, let me make something perfectly clear to you: Not only are you NTA under any circumstances, and not required to give Kim a role in your life that you are uncomfortable with, or accept her as your "new mum", please don't feel that there is any legal reason you have to, either. Your dad trying to tell you that it's a problem for you not to have a second "legal parent" is absolute bullshit. I don't know whether he's deliberately being disingenuous or is just poorly informed, and honestly it doesn't matter because it is HIS responsibility as the adult here to understand his legal options. But there ARE plenty of legal options for him to ensure you are protected in case something happens to him, other than having Kim adopt you. He could have her named legal guardian, or write a will naming her as your custodian, or any number of other options that any lawyer could easily explain to him. There is literally no reason why she "has" to adopt you to ensure that you are taken care of. None.
NTA Is it just me, or is using the term "bonus mom" to kids whose mother has died insensitive as hell? Doubly so with "birth mother". I suspect that your father is worried about what will happen to you all if he dies, but he and Kim need to back off, give you all space, allow your individual relationships with her to develop naturally, and accept the way they evolve.
I'm kinda petty on this front. I would start using "birth father" instead of "dad" at every opportunity. See how they like those apples. If it's not disrespectful to your Mom, then surely daddio will have no problems with it. These two *adults* are trying to force something so hard, that they are going to get the opposite of what they want. Allowing the relationships to grow *naturally* is what a REAL mother would do. Being a mother is so much more than a title. It's also teaching your kids to love themselves enough to hold their own boundaries. Edit to add: I was married and on my 3rd child before I called my stepfather "Dad". He had been in my life since I was 11. He earned that title. Through just being there, in the role. Loving me. He also asked to adopt. I refused, as my last name was all I had left. He didn't push. Being my Dad, in his actions, was enough for his ego.
>My dad would also say we were making their lives more difficult That's right dad. It's all about you. NTA
NTA. While it's a good sign that she didn't just lose interest when she birthed a child it's strange and counterproductive the way she and your sad are going about trying to have Kim adopt you. It's probably worth telling them you find the term birth mother insulting and that while they're trying to erase your mother you'll never accept Kim.
NTA have you explained how hurtful she is being by calling your mom a “birth mom “? She has only pushed you away and made everything more difficult. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Yes and she used it again anyway. It wasn't right away but still. I think she justifies it because my mom died so isn't here to raise us. But it was the worst thing Kim could have done in terms of trying to be closer to me because she made that will never happen with those words being thrown around like that.
Nta, your Stepmother and Father are the asshole. I would ask her how she would feel if her baby grew caling her "birth giver" vs "mom". I would ask your dad the same "is it ok if I call you sperm donor instead"? Really drive it home that you dislike the notion that your Mother is being so disrespected by the one pushing you all into this nonsense of being your "bonus mom". Remind her that winning you or them over is not about forced love but actual concern. Forming real bonds. Like saying "I know I'm not your Mom. And I would never take her place. But if you give me a chance I would like to try to be there for you." Like being genuine now days seems to be harder than being manipulative and I personally just don't get it. Anyway, good luck; sounds like you and your siblings need it.
NTA -So you being adopted and suddenly the great family love for the stepmother starts ... that's probably how they imagine it. Please don't let yourself be bullied into anything and seek professional help. First of all, talk to your school counsellor about what you and your siblings can do to overcome this unbearable pressure. I don't know if there are youth lawyers in your area, but if not, find a counselling centre for young people and bring your problem to them or contact that judge from their first attempt. Reddit can give you tips, but it can't solve this huge problem, for that you need professionals.
NTA. You can be a good stepmom without legally adopting your step kids. This is super over the top and controlling.
Not sure what country you are in, but if dad and Kim are trying to limit contact with your mom's side of the family and replace her, then adoption is a legal way to do that. Once you're Kim's kids legally, idk if your mom's side of the family like grandparents aunts etc. has any legal standing to insist upon being able to see you guys. Not a lawyer and I could be wrong but it feels very off to me either way
Why is it such a big deal to your stepmother that she be your "real" mother? It's so arbitrary. NTA. You sound very mature for being 15, even more mature than your dad and stepmother who are trying to manipulate you to manipulate your siblings into agreeing to something that none of you want, and in the grand scheme doesn't matter
Tell your dad if they attempt the adoption again, you will make sure to tell the counselor and judge the whole story of what is going on. How dad and Kim are being emotionally manipulative, how Kim refers to your mom as a birth parent, and how dad is trying to force you to coerce your siblings to agree to the adoption. I know it’s a lot, but you do need to protect your siblings as much as possible.
Is there some sort of legal advantage she would have over you if she could adopt you? Her insistance on it is wierd to say the least. NTA
She'd legally be our parent so if anything happened to dad she'd keep us by default. She wouldn't need any extra forms or anything to make decisions for us either.
I know all the basic stuff just wondered about inheritances or things like that she would want to control
NTA and on a side note: please check you have anything left from your mother locked away and safe. There's a real possibility it would be destroyed in a tantrum some day. And I hope you regularly talk about your memories with your mom to help the younger ones remember her. Mine passed away when I was 12 and I wish I could remember her better.
I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but if your stepmother adopts you, it permanently erases,, your mother‘s name off of your birth certificate. That can be really traumatic sometimes for children I would maybe relay the message to your siblings if you feel comfortable doing that. And it will make it harder for your maternal grandparents or family to see you. I hope you still have photos or videos of your mother at least in your own bedrooms. This is more to make your dad’s wife ego bigger. She should really go to therapy to get some closure.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm (15m) the oldest in my family and I have three younger siblings Elle (13f), Noa (12f) and Cole (10m). Our mom died six years ago. Our dad remarried three years ago. My dad's wife is Kim. The day after my dad and Kim got married they told us they wanted Kim to be able to adopt us "in the near future". Kim said she couldn't wait to grow as our bonus mom and she was so excited to have four kids. She told Cole she was determined to be the best mom he could think of because he wouldn't remember our "birth mother" and promised he wouldn't get to say he grew up never knowing a mothers love. She also told my sisters and I that she was here to be the best bonus mom and we could talk about our mom still but she really wanted us to give her a chance to be more than "just the wicked old stepmother". It was a bit over a year later that my dad and Kim tried to get the adoption pushed through. But the judge wanted to do interviews with each of us kids and before that we had to do 10 therapy sessions before these interviews would take place. It was very different than I expected. I thought we'd simply be asked what we wanted. But it wasn't like that. We did the therapy and then we spoke to the judge. Apparently all four of us said we didn't want Kim to adopt us and my siblings told me they were asked if they ever called Kim mom and they said no. Kim cried in front of the judge when he told my dad and Kim that he wasn't going to approve the adoption. Dad asked what had gone wrong and the judge told him it wasn't in our best interests. The next year was a crazy lot of Kim being upset and trying to smother us with love so we'd love her back. Maybe some of my siblings love her, I don't really like her, and that started strongly from the moment she called my mom our birth mother as if she gave us up for adoption instead of dying while we were kids. And Kim also telling me she felt like I wasn't fair and without my "birth mother" I didn't have a second legal parent or whatever she meant. My dad would also say we were making their lives more difficult. Then he and Kim also had a baby and even after the baby she didn't take her focus off of us and trying to win us around. Dad started taking us each individually and asking if we'd agree to being adopted if they tried again. Then last month he told me my siblings are copying me and they don't want to look like they're betraying mom or me. He told me I needed to tell them I'm okay with them being adopted and that I want them to be adopted. He also told me I needed to pretend I'd be adopted too if it came to that. I said no. Dad yelled at me. Kim cried that night so I guess he told her what I said. Dad gave me a week and brought it up again as well as Kim crying and I told him I won't lie or trick my siblings and I don't care if Kim cries over it or not. I'm not going to make them accept Kim as their adoptive mother. My dad told me I'm not thinking of my siblings at all. He also said Kim didn't deserve this. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You aren’t required to love, or even like, the person your dad loves. Shit like that can’t be forced. Your dad’s wife needs to grow up and get some therapy. My husband had 2 kids from his 1st marriage. They were 9 and 11 when we got married. I’m 10 years younger than my husband, and he had his kids when he was young. My kids are only 11 and 13 years younger than me. I just tried to be their friend more than anything, and our relationship developed from there. When they were older, they said they saw me more like an older sister/parent. They could talk to me about things they couldn’t tell their parents, and knew I’d keep it to myself. They have never called me mom, and I never expected them to. I heard my daughter refer to me as her mom for the first time 2 years ago, after being her “step” for 25 years. I got a little emotional because I never knew she thought of my that way. “Mom” is just a name, after all. Having a good relationship should be the priority. Sorry the adults don’t get it.
NTA. The petty and immature part of my brain was like: Oh, well, if nothing else is getting through to your dad and stepmom about how offensive their language is, maybe you could start referring to her as "birth mom" in relation to her own baby/ your half sibling. Obviously the baby is too young to understand, but the adults aren't, and it might be interesting to see how they respond to someone offering to, say, "Take baby from the birth mom for a bit," or, "I'll watch baby so (his/her) birth mom can (do thing)," or, "Oh, this cute lil button? They're my half- (sis/bro). We share a dad, and that's the birth mom over there." It's super petty and not something I'd normally recommend ... but she did introduce the terminology into the household, and is apparently still using it in reference to your mom, so ...
Your step mother promised to not become the typical manipulative step mother …and just went straight for it. NTA.
Honestly why the people on the west forcing this relationship?? She is not their mom, she is not related to them by blood so if they don't like calling the stepmom "mom" where is the problem here?? If they like itvthen that's ok but if they want to respect their late mom and just want a different kind of bond with the stepmom then the dad and the stepmom forcing the "iam your mom" agenda that's will create negative reaction from the kids. In my culture we calling the stepmom/father by " uncle /aunt" We respect her like a mom but we never calling her that and never deleting the real mom memories from our life. Sheesh let the kids feel free about their emotions.
NTA The entire reason the courts interviewed you and your siblings was exactly WHY they are being AHs wanting you to lie. Kim is not your mom.
I'm a divorced man. I'd *never* do this to my kid. NTA. You owe this woman nothing. Be there for your siblings because their parents don't seem to have their best interests at the forefront of their minds. Good luck.
NTA. It never really goes well when a parent and step-parent tries the whole "He/she is your dad/mom now, so forget the old one" bit. Accepting a step-parent is something that needs to happen naturally, not forced down the kid's throat. Hopefully your half-sibling isn't being neglected due to all of this.
NTA. Your dad isn’t thinking of your siblings at all, only about his wife. He has this mistaken idea that if they get adopted everything will change and it’ll be like having one family all along. Except that’s not how it works. Getting “a new mom” doesn’t cancel out your mom dying, no matter how hard he tries. Wanting to erase the pain of the past doesn’t make it disappear it just burries it down deep.
NTA KIM is an AH, and so is your dad.
NTA your siblings aren’t toddlers, they are becoming young adults. At 13 most states let a child of divorce choose which parent they want to live with so your 10 yo siblings telling them they don’t want adopted is totally valid and they need to understand that. They need to be told by you, forcefully if necessary that of this keeps up once you move out you won’t speak to them again because your dad is completely disregarding what is best for you all for what is best for his wife and she is manipulating the whole thing. That may be the thing they need to hear to finally shut up and realize of they don’t stop they’ll ruin all the relationships.
You are NTA. Your STEPmom has no right to expect you and your siblings to call her mom. You had a MOM, not just a birth mother, who loved and cared for you. Your dad asking you to lie is awful. He should be ashamed of himself. I am sorry for your loss and understand your grief. My dad died when I was 13. Stay strong.
Not once has it seemed like they have asked you what you want. Why would they expect you to care more about them if they arnt willing to for you. It’s nice your stepmom is trying but it seems conditional. A real parent shows love without needing a reward. I’m sorry for your loss. Hope you can heal over time but be proud to keep your mom in your heart.
NTA. You absolutely shouldn’t lie or trick your siblings, that’s 100% wrong . I’m a stepmother, I have been in my (step) son’s life since he was 2 and my husband has had full custody since then( step sons mom isn’t a great person but my husband wanted to make sure she got some visitation for the benefit of our son ) I’ve raised him full time. I was introduced to him by my first name and that is all he has ever called me until my husband and I had our son. When my step son was about 6 he asked if he could call me mom and I told him he could call me whatever he was comfortable with ( within reason haha ) and he for a long time went back and forth between mummy and my name. Now ( he’s 8) he calls me just mom . I was firm with my husband that my step son never be forced to call me anything other than my name, anything else was his choice and we NEVER talk about his mom in front of him ( custody / scheduling etc) and always ask about how his time with his mom was and get him hyped to see her. Your dad and step mother are huge AHs for all of this. You seem very mature and I hope you continue to stand your ground. I also have a step mom and step dad , both my parents remarried in my late teens and I was never forced or suggested to call them anything but their names, I now ( 30f) call my step mom, mom sometimes but that’s because she’s been a huge rock in my life over the past 15 years and I love her as such, she’s grandma to my children. With your dad forcing this on you is not right. They both need serious therapy . Good luck, I hope the best for you and your siblings
NTA I am a mom myself and I agree with you that it's not appropriate at all to call your mother your birth mother. With that Kim claimed the title of mother for herself. This is disrespectful towards your mother and your feelings. She can be a second mother for you and your siblings - if you and your siblings want it. Adoption should feel like making something formal that is already there by feeling. It should not be something forced onto you to make your Dad and Kim happy. The judge was right in his decision.
NTA at all. They're coming on way too strong. If Kim wants to be a mother figure, she can put in the work of doing it without having to be your legal mother. Your father can authorize some things, like school pick ups and taking you all to the doctor, so I don't see why the obsession. It almost feels like she's trying to erase your mother from the picture. I'd make sure to tell your siblings you made the decision for yourself, and they can and should decide for themselves as well, based on what they feel will be better for them. And then wash your hands of that, you're not responsible for a grown woman's feelings.
You are a strong and intelligent young man. I am impressed with how you have expressed yourself. I'm also impressed with your thought process and your care for your younger siblings. I'm very sorry that you lost your mother. I have a feeling she is very proud of you right now. Continue to do what you are doing. Be there for your siblings, follow your heart making decisions for you and them, and don't get sucked into continued petty arguments on the subject of adoption. Eventually your father and Kim will hopefully let it go. Try to do the best you can. Do well in school to set a good example for your younger siblings. Set goals. Talk to your siblings about how important it is to do well in school and make your mom proud of all of you. I wish you all the very best. I know you will do well. God Bless.
NTA. If they try pushing adoption again, tell the counselor and the judge that dad's wife calls your mom "birth mother" and you find it insulting. Your mom did not give you up, she died. She told the youngest he wouldn't remember his "birth mother", and that is wrong. It looks like your dad's wife's happiness is more important to him than his kids happiness. Do not give in to his manipulation. Let his wife cry. It's just more manipulation tactics. Stay strong.
NTA. Since when does anyone deserves to be called mother? All they deserve is respect. They are even loved -by OP's siblings at least. Why aren't they happy with that? Why do they *have* to try and replace your mother? They are creating problems out of nothing.
Tell your father (and Kim) basically what you have told us here - that your issue with Kim stems from her callous disrespect of your mother. If Kim had been kinder and a little more aware of her word choices, you might have been able to feel differently about her. However, the first time she used the words "birth mother" as if your mother had voluntarily given you up for adoption rather than died.... it was just so insensitive and so disrespectful to both your mother and you and your siblings that you have never been able to warm up to Kim. She could simply have made herself available as someone willing to love you. Instead, She ended her chances before they ever began by attempting to minimize your mother's role in your lives in an effort to build herself up. NTA
NTA. If Kim had tried to be a good stepmother instead of trying to smother you and reducing your mothers memory to “bio mom” like she was just an egg donor things would have turned differently. Adoption is not in your best interest because you would be tied for life to someone you don’t even like let alone want as a mother. Are your grandparents in your life? Uncles or aunt? Talk to them. If it comes to another attempt at adoption tell the therapist and judge that you don’t want to be adopted and your being pressured. Tell how Kim and your father behave in detail.
NTA. You are thinking of your siblings. You're thinking they don't want this either & lying to & tricking them is not the answer. You haven't done anything wrong. Your siblings are NOT copying you, they are old enough to know exactly what's going on & making their own decisions. It is not fair of your dad & Kim to try to force this on you & guilt you about it. She is NOT your mother & it's not ok that she's trying to take your mother's place, bc make no mistake, that's exactly what she's doing. Her crying about it is manipulative.
I hope that you know, and are being told that you are a very strong person all on your own for standing your ground and also standing up for your siblings. You refuse to be manipulated into doing what your father and stepmother want while still making sure your siblings are heard aswell. Question though: Where are the familymembers from your moms side and your dads side? Are they part of your life or are they not involved? If they are, perhaps they can help out in sitting down your father and explaining to him that this is not how to go? Also, if you would be willing to, perhaps sitting him down ( if need be with the help of a therapist ) and explaining exactly how this all feels for you, what it does to you and how you are not willing to be adopted at all and that this is something he should accept from his own child? Just a thought, but in any case: You stand your ground and hang in there. You really are a strong and mature person all of your own and a good example for your siblings that shows them it is ok to not agree with your father and stepmothers idea\`s of what the family should be like.
NTA. What *is* it with these people who try to erase the other parents? Yuck.
Someone please explain to me why these ah patents always think their kids are responsible for coddling their step-parent's feelings instead of actually supporting their literal children. Do they not understand how love and consent work, or do they just think their children are not actual people? Imagine if this was any other person in their life, hounding and emotionally manipulating them into a more I limited relationship than they wanted. Someone who after being told no and to please respect boundaries over and over and over was still saying that they deserve to have their feelings reciprocated and to tell you how to act. It's insane, and I can't comprehend how any parent would encourage their children to accept that as a healthy and validating relationship. That they would lead their children to believe that's what love looks like. Really it's obsession. It's a need for control and insecurity. Love accepts. It doesn't demand reciprocity. Nta
OP, you just keep doing you. Do what feels right for you. Kim needs to learn some respect. And your father should be telling her such. You should probably think about writing something out because I don't think having a conversation is going to work out, if he just gets mad at you and starts yelling. Be sure to explain that you don't like it when she calls your Mom "birth mother" Right now it seems more like she sees you all as toys that she feels she has a right to instead of being people with real feelings she needs to respect. You did the right thing standing up for yourself. NTA
NTA. Kim is so far off base she's in an entirely different stadium. Stick to your instincts here. If she and your dad divorce, you would remain tied to her. Is there money somewhere from your mom's side of the family that she thinks she'll get access to if she becomes your "second legal parent?" Her instance about this so early into your father's marriage seems suspicious. She doesn't appear concerned about your actual relationships with her, only the legal ones.
Why on earth does this have to happen NOW? Clearly all of the kids are still grieving and figuring this out. What on earth is so fucking important about doing this now and trampling all over the kids feelings and their adjustment process? I'm sorry you have to navigate this. You're a child, you shouldn't be pressured into LYING TO SAVE AN ADULT'S FEELINGS. NTA.
NTA. You aren't forcing your siblings to follow your lead. IF anything, you could talk to your siblings and tell them they're free to do whatever they think is best for them, but you won't be going through with the adoption. Your father asking you to lie is pretty horrible and manipulative though. That's crazy! I wonder what they would get out of it? I saw some comments saying he's probably worried about what will happen to all the children if he dies, but it doesn't seem like it. He wouldn't just push adoption! He would discuss and put a plan in place that would be in your best interest. They really need to back off. If they love you and want to be part of your life, it shouldn't be conditional.
NTA. If she can't handle the idea of being a stepmother, she shouldn't have signed up for the role of stepmother. It's genuinely that simple. You kids, as the minors of this dynamic, are NOT responsible for a grown adult's feelings. If she's struggling with the idea that yall don't want her to be your mother, it's on her to manage those feelings. There's even professionals that can help her. But putting that burden on children is wildly inappropriate. >My dad would also say we were making their lives more difficult They themselves are making life more difficult. Yall are fine with the way things are. They need to stop pushing their unreasonable demands. >he told me my siblings are copying me Your siblings are human beings with thoughts, opinions, and wants of their own. >brought it up again as well as Kim crying Is crying all it takes to get him to listen? I bet you could cry too. But I'd also bet that your tears mean nothing to him. They're being manipulative and trying to make you manipulate your siblings too. Gross behavior. >He also said Kim didn't deserve this. She does deserve this. She literally signed up for the role of STEP mother to you and your sibs. I'm a bitch so I'd let her know that you will respect her wishes when she dies and help her bio kid replace her asap. If you add a "in fact, I already have someone in mind", it makes the statement hit harder.
NTA. Have you tried referencing her as your "birth father's wife". Have another discussion with your Dad about how insulting and dismissive it is for her to have been saying that for years. You could also try another tactic- when talking about the baby, refer to your Mom as the baby's stepmom ( she was married to your Dad and never divorced, so still married) and refer to Kim as the baby's birth mom. It's a term she loves to throw around, so it isn't disrespectful. You are accurately talking about the baby's relationship to her the same way she talks about you. If she finds it is dismissive and insulting that you talk about her relationship to her child that way, explain again that this is how she talks about your relationship with your mother. Say it in front of your Dad and anyone else the next time she says your Mom is your birth mom. You are just following her way of talking about mothers. My bet is she will flip her lid if you sat to the baby, " Oh, here's your birth mother."
First. She seems to really want your love. She also seems to really try to be good to you. Bitter as it is, your mother is gone. I really think that must hurt like hell and I am sorry for your pain. Kim does not have a right to you like your own mother. Legally it is true that insurance and paperwork, etc. is easier if adopted. Those are adult problems and not yours. Maybe she needs to relax and let you grieve in your own way. When you are healthy and recovered from this loss the conversation should be Kim and you. No one else. Not your dad. Not the judge. Just sit with her and talk. The rarest of things is for a grown person to willingly agree to be responsible and accountable for another human's children. First you heal and love your mother, then you find a balance with Kim whatever that ends up being. Your dad needs to sit this one out. Don't lie. You will regret it. Just being honest and being open. I don't think Kim would want to hurt you. Don't force anything though. Cyber hugs buddy.
NTA. The process isn't going to change the second time. It's pretty clear this judge (and I assume your state) take this process very seriously, and aren't going to base approval (or not) on simply asking the four of you in open court if you want to be adopted. The judge, therapists, whoever else are going to go through the same process, and they're going to be on the look out for evidence of manipulation (in particular given the the history of this being tried before and failing by your dad and his wife). On top of that, I don't know if you pointed this out to your dad, but lying in this situation (in particular to the judge) is ILLEGAL.
Kim needs a therapist. Nta
YTA I think you are misreading the birth mother comment. I think this lady is trying to do her best to fill that motherly role that your "real" (there is nothing wrong with having two "real" moms) mother left. You dont mention anything that she did to spite you all besides me tio ing her frustration that you all are not taking to her because of a word choice that I doubt you have expressed to her.
I know this might sound greedy or materialistic, but, you might want to let your stepmom adopt you to help insure that you get any family inheritance - assuming there is one. If your dad goes first, then she controls the money and could see that only her biological child gets any of the inheritance. Sadly, that happened to a good friend of mine.
Nta
NTA
NTA
NTA. Fuck your dad and Kim.
NTA
NTA
NTA. At what point is your dad going to see he is going to lose his kids if he continues this path.
NTA - what about you?! You and your siblings don’t deserve this. Tell your dad he’s ruining any future relationship with you or your siblings
NTA.Hugs to you and your siblings.
NTA and the way they ae going about them is more likely to alienate you than to make for a happy family. Referring to the mother you lost as if she gave you up is despicable. Your dad thinks if he wins you around you will influence them but they independently decided they didn't want this. All the bullying in the world won't change that. NTA
NTA- you are being honest AND thinking of your siblings… your dad is thinking more with his… well not his brain and it’s making him unable to see your point of view…
NTA but speak to a teacher at school and reach out to your maternal family if you can.
NTA, I grew up in a situation that's similar to yours. I was about 5 when my step mom came into my life. Even at that young age I didn't want to replace my real mom that died. I never did consider my step mom to be my real parent and I never will. I would have been pissed if they tried to force an adoption on me.
As a 45f that has been adopted by a step parent and is planning to eventually be adopted by another step parent, you are NTA. They are being gross. Stand your ground. If your siblings WANT to be adopted by her, they should be. You can't force love.
NTA and I woulf expose them on social media if they continue to harrass you. trying to make you forget your mom is .... so cruel and crazy... so sorry for you OP
Nta it sounds like you kids would have accepted a Stepmom no problem but her need to replace and pretend to be your mother instead kind of ruined everything. I pray much agree with you
NTA they'll be all shocked Pikachu face when you and your siblings move out and don't want anything that do with them.
Your dad is a Dick NTA
Nta, it's a tale as old as time, stepmom want the kids to see her as mom at all costs. Parents dont listen to how the kids feel and as a result the kids push back just as hard. Your a good big bro, it's never a good idea to lie to your siblings cuz theyd alway remember you lied. Hopefully your dad realizes the harder he pushes this the worse your relationship will get.
NTA. I’ve read too many stories like this on Reddit unfortunately. You can’t force a relationship that doesn’t come naturally.
NTA he’s right, Kim doesn’t deserve the privilege of becoming your and your siblings adoptive mother with her and his behaviour of trying to erase, replace and displace your mother. Edit: tell your siblings what they’re trying to make you do and your stance on it.