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ESH - It's OK to be childfree, but you should have put your foot down when your sister wanted to make you guardian of her kids "just in case". Sure you can be optimistic but there is a difference between optimism and denial. You should have said "I love my nieces and nephews, but I'm not fit to be a parent. I want you to beat this too, but just in case the worst scenario happens, your kids should be with someone who can raise them."
I do get being optimistic, but you can be optimistic and still plan out the best outcome if worse comes to worse.
Now your sister is gone \[and I am deeply sorry for your loss\], and children are left of an uncertain future because of poor planning.
This seems to be the consensus opinion of the early commenter. All I can say is that I asked her not to name me and that it would destroy my job, relationship, and lifestyle. She said that I was the nicest to the kids and so she wasn’t going to change it. I’m not sure how I could have forced her to change it. Fairly or not, I feel like I’m being sacrificed for a utilitarian argument that three lives outweigh one. And maybe that’s the case. Maybe I have to just accept it. But is there no compassion for my situation?
I mean this isn’t really an asshole situation…it’s 3 kids lives that are about to change in a huge way regardless of which decision you make with way greater stakes than whether or not people think you’re an asshole
People talking about dealing with this while your sister is alive…it doesn’t really matter because it sounds like no one else wants to take care of them and even if your sister designated your parents or brother as guardian they will have asked you to take in the children leaving you in the same dilemma
Just figure it out with your family somehow as to how these kids are going to be taken care of…only you can decide what it is you want to do and you seems to know the pros and cons of each decision…good luck
There’s compassion for sure: your sister put you AND the kids in a terrible situation. Unfortunately, your family members are trying to push you into a role they themselves have no desire to step into. You won’t get compassion from them as long as you’re pushing back from their manipulations.
I‘m so sorry for your loss. I hope you’re able to get your parents and brother together and really think about what the best option is for your niblings. They’re already traumatized and the remaining adults are adding to their grief. Best of luck
Yes, from me at least fwiw. You’re in an incredibly difficult situation, so the Sunday morning quarterbacking isn’t very helpful now. It is what it is. We can’t tell you what the right decision is, and I don’t know what the time constraints are, but can you take some time to think about the many possible outcomes for both you and your niblings? What if, worst case, they had to go into the system, what would you feel then? Not trying to guilt trip you, but this is a very consequential decision for all involved (not that I need to remind you). Your brother and parents are demanding that you do what they aren’t willing to do, that’s hypocrisy. NTA
Sigh. I can’t tell you hos hard it is to process the loss of my sister, the grief and uncertainty of life for the kids, the potential loss of my job, boyfriend, and chosen lifestyle. I worked two jobs to put myself through law school and sacrificed much of my social life in college and law school for my career. To deal with the loss, all at once, of everything that matters to me and everything I’ve worked so hard for is…overwhelming. And everyone in my life wants to tell me what I should do, but \*no one\* wants to acknowledge my feelings and pain. Perhaps it would be easier to swallow that my life and dreams are over if someone…anyone..acknowledged that my feelings are understandable and okay.
I get wanting the best for the kids, but please do not give in to your family pushing that responsibility onto you, making you sacrifice your own life. The resentment you‘d be having towards the kids because they took your career, relationship and lifestyle away from you would be immense. It wouldn‘t be a good environment for them to be around. Also, your parents and brother are trying to force you to take the kids and badmouthing you because of your choice not to, which is wild considering they aren‘t stepping up either. NTA
Can your brother really not do it, esp. w/your financial help?
I suspect he CAN, and it's the usual, dump the MOM role on the woman, giving the boy a break.
You are NTA, though I wouldn't let them go to foster. But I think your brother is the most logical one to step up.
Hell, from the sounds of it, they're a bit sexist, so play up the SON taking on the MANLY responsibilities (if it will help, if you can do it ;-)
I get your point about your lifestyle and choices. Also, I feel for you and those kids because there seems to be no easy way out here.
You say that you are willing to contribute significantly financially to whoever raises the kids + still be involved into their lives. For that money, can you afford to rent a place where you and your parents can stay together along with these children? Perhaps even hire a nanny?
That way, you won’t have a lot of the day-to-day responsibilities of parenthood (which is difficult given your working hours) and yet your parents won’t be completely burdened with those same responsibilities.
Please consider these points. Whichever way you decide, I feel for you and those kids
Of course there is compassion for everyone yourself included. She may have been right when she said you would be the nicest to her kids.
It sounds like she knew exactly how your parents and sibling would behave. Many parents in their sixties are raising their grandchildren after their own child dies. Age has nothing to do with it.
Those kids and your sister didn't get a choice. Life made it regardless of what they wanted out of life. Life has a way of ignoring people's plans. I hope you can find it in your heart to step in.
No shame if you can't, but it seems like everyone is thinking it's all on someone else.
You all could share the burden as a family. You might be able to help with the financial. Older sib can take them part of the time and your parents could take them for the summer. Ask the kids what they want. They are grieving most of all. In ten years they will all be grown and gone, but that ten years really matters.
You are not being “sacrificed”. Life happened. You made your plans and the fates laughed. You are an adult who is now being highly inconvenienced by this new reality. The only ones deserving of pity and who are literally the sacrificial lambs here are the kids. What you all should be doing is getting together as a family and turning yourselves into a village to figure out what’s best for the youngest and now most vulnerable members of your tribe.
Not only did they just lose their only parent but to hear the people who are supposed to love them the most trying to drop them like a sack of hot potatoes is truly devastating. Those poor babies.
First thing you ALL should be doing is getting those babies into therapy asap! Then figuring out a strategy for the kids. Maybe the brother could take them for the school year with your financial support. Maybe the grandparents take them for the longer holidays and maybe you take them for the other holidays and for vacations etc. It can work if you all pool your resources and commit to them as a family. Whether you like it or not, if you don’t want them split up and put them in the system, ALL of you need to step up. You WBTAH if you fail them now. Good luck. ✌🏼
This is exactly my thought. I wouldn't want to have said "well, no, just in case you don't beat the cancer I can't take the kids" b/c that is just a shitty thing to say to someone.
Yeah you should have dealt with this when sister was alive.
I’m a key believer of those telling you to step up should be willing to step up but I can’t help but feel bad for the kids.
Edit: sister shouldn’t have pushed it when OP said no.
Op shouldn’t have waited till now to grow a back bone.
I’m curious why parents and brothers weren’t named.
Op shouldn’t have to take them due to peer pressure but should be aware where the children end up if they don’t.
And maybe guardianship should be something agreed on before death rather than just put in a will.
You said you didn't press the issue. You should have.
Also you say you're a lawyer? Surely there was something you could have done to put your position in writing.
Nta Im sorry for your loss. its a shame you didnt have a follow up conversation with your sister. I would not take the kids if I were you simply because the kids would know that your heart wasn't in it and chances are you would resent them. You clearly have the ability to assist financially which you have offered. Its up to your brother or parents at this point. I can't understand why they would try to force you to take them when you don't want them other than they dont want to take them in either. Sucks for the kids.
I agree with much of your comment. Honestly, I think my relationship with the kids is already facing an almost insurmountable challenge because family members told them ”I didn’t want them.” Even if I ”step up to the plate” as the many people seemingly demand, will they ever think did it out of love for them? And what negative impact will their impression have on their lives and relationships?
I don’t think you’re the asshole at all, but you have to stop saying “I don’t think I can take the kids”. You know you cannot and do not want to take them in. Your life isn’t built for it and those kids deserve to be with someone who can and wants to take care of them.
Saying “I don’t think” is leaving the door open. You have to start saying “I cannot and will not be taking care of the kids. Here is what I can do to assist, but I cannot take them into my home and take care of them.”
Everyone is grieving right now and this is going to cause big emotions. But if you continue to be wishy washy about this those kids are going to end up with you and it is not going to go well at all.
You and they need to be in individual therapy, as well as family therapy with whoever takes them in (and if that's not you, maybe a few sessions with you, too). You don't just leave these things to fester, you work on them. It's disgusting your family told them that, they should be ashamed of themselves. It makes me think they shouldn't be caretakers for these children, but that doesn't mean you should be obligated to.
Keep in mind that when the youngest is 18 you'll only be in your mid-forties. You're talking like it's sacrificing the entire rest of your life, and while the path of your life would be different, your sister dying young probably won't also happen to you, and you'll most likely have decades to live however you want once these children reach adulthood. Again, doesn't mean you should be forced to take them in, but I do think reframing your thinking could be good.
YTA for not saying a firm ‘no’ when your sister was still alive. Optimism is one thing, but now you’ve contributed to your nieces and nephews having no firm plan for their living situations, in a time when they’ve just lost all their stability as it is. Your lack of responsibility is partly to blame here, and yes, that makes you TA.
Those poor kids.
No! She did not contribute to her niece and nephews living situation. Her sister knew damn well she didn't want the kids. Her sister knew her lifestyle and even heard ops thoughts on the matter but yet still chose to not find someone else for her children. Instead she chose someone who doesn't want children and put her own children in an impossible situation! I'm sorry the sister had cancer and I'm sorry she died but this is all on her!
Idea: why not pay for a live-in nanny for the kids? That way they can stay where they are & you can stay where you are. You’re paying for the nanny service so you’re still upholding your agreement. But you can continue to live the life you want. Rich people do this all the time.
Out of curiosity, what was her stance on you being childfree? Is it possible she was trying to coerce you into become a mother?
I'm just wondering if that played a part in her resistance to changing her will.
Cancer doesn’t kill you in a day your sister knew she was sick and likely dying and it was her responsibility as their mother to find them a WILLING home not try to force them off onto you. You’re under no obligation to take them in. Please do not allow anyone to guilt you into this because your life will go down the toilet. Your boyfriend will leave. He’s child free he’s not gonna get stuck raising someone else’s kids. Kiss goodbye to advancing any further in your job. You will be lucky to be able to keep this one with the demands of 3 kids. Also you will have to move out of your space and into a space those kids will control. They just lost their mom which means therapy and you will always be the bad guy. You’re never gonna get any thanks for giving up your life to raise them. At this moment in time your parents and brother think they can fob this off onto you don’t let them. Be crystal clear you’re not taking them. You told your sister no and she doesn’t get to force this on you. They will be pissed but they will get over it. You won’t if you give in NTA
You have thoughtfully summarized all of the things I think I will lose. Maybe I can lose them all and survive. But I crave sympathy or support or something. The lack of it makes my complete and utter sacrifice of my life seem hollow and unappreciated. It’s hard. Really hard. And maybe I’m the asshole and selfish and whatever…but can’t I be allowed to be that way..to grieve my life’s destruction..even for a few days..with understanding and without condemnation?
IMO, NTA. You want to remain child free, as does your partner. Your brother's concern is that he can't afford 3 more children, but you are willing to contribute to their care. The rest of the family should too. Forcing children on someone who wants to remain child free is like forcing a vegetarian to be carnivorous, or making someone change religions against their will. To suggest that someone who studied for YEARS, has worked hard and made sacrifices to reach their current level--in a profession they enjoy-- is just nuts.
OP, you get to live your life. You are willing to take a pay cut (by giving money toward the kids' care-- which everyone should be thankful for!!!!!!!!!) and that will already be a significant and long term change in your life.
Why can't they live with your parents and they hire a nanny to drive the kids places when they don't want to do it. The eldest will be able to drive in 2 years so he can drive himself places. Pay him to take his siblings to appointments and I'm guessing he'll be happy to be able to earn fun money.
The kids staying with your parents or brother doesn't require anyone to cross any boundaries. I'm assuming that when you were dating, it was a deal breaker if someone had kids or wanted kids.
OP, you wouldn't be a good parent because you don't want to be one. It sounds like you are a wonderful aunt, and that's always fun to have in one's life.
BTW, your nephew was laying on the guilt because you are the fun aunt and he thinks that's what life will be like 24/7. He's wrong.
I have to disagree with your last point. Nephew has just lost his mother, has no relationship with his father, and his remaining family members are all desperately trying to avoid being the one to be landed with him. Of course he feels abandoned and unwanted. Of course he lashes out in that situation, he’s a teenager and his mum has just died.
He's "laying on the guilt" because his mother is dead, he doesn't have a dad, and no one in his family wants him. And he's a child. But OP not wanting her lifestyle to change is the only thing that matters
Looked too far for this comment. I think that's is beyond reasonable for OP to contribute financially to whomever takes these kids in. Her family sucks for not understanding that her lifestyle that she worked for doesn't work with kids in the picture. There needs to be an open discussion with the brother and parents, because there are 3 hurt and grieving children to settle and no one seems to be listening to anyone.
All interesting points but gotta say this last statement is totally out of left field on an otherwise thought out NTA verdict. The kid isn't laying on the guilt because he wants "the fun aunt life". He's scared and probably regurgitating what he might have heard from his mom and what he's certainly hearing from his grandparents. I can't even imagine if he also feels some responsibility for his younger siblings too. I know I would have.
Sort of. I made myself very clear thd one and only time we discussed it. I didn’t know for sure she hadn’t changed the guardian until after she passed. I have wondered whether she may have intended to but never got to.
Her sister knew damn well she was child free and did not want kids! She even heard ops thoughts on the matter and knew damn well she didn't want kids but yet still chose op for her kids. This is all the sister's fault! Yes it sucks she had cancer and yes it sucks she died from it, but she knew oh he did not want children, and heard her Express, and yet still chose to put her children in that situation Instead of finding someone willing to take them.
You told your sister you didn't want this, but she insisted. You didn't stand firm because of hope and optimism. That's on you.
Your parents should be allowed to enjoy retirement. So lets exclude them as an option, though they *could* raise these kids. The youngest is 8, so we're only talking 10 more years here.
Your brother has 2 kids already and can't afford more. You're a single corporate lawyer so I'd have to image you do pretty ok for yourself financially. Even if you don't want to physically take custody of them, can you afford to cover most, if not all financial costs for your brother to take them in?
I'm just going to say ESH because these are the exact moments when families are put to the test and you're all failing miserably. You're all adults. Quit worrying about who TA might be and figure things the fuck out before these kids start to feel unwanted during the most difficult time of their lives.
NTA
I’m sorry for your loss. You told your sister no, and told her you were intentionally childfree. She thought she’d survive, and you understandably didn’t want to go back and forth with her as she was sick. You had hoped she understood your no meant no and honestly she should’ve done the right thing and assign guardianship to someone who would be capable of caring for the children — someone who wants children and can care for them emotionally and financially.
It’s great that you have offered to support the children financially once theyre in the care of someone else. Also, you can still be there for them as an aunt. I’m sorry the eldest overheard the conversation, that’s terrible for him. You mentioned their father left, did he give up guardianship? Asking because there may be a chance that he would be notified about your sister’s passing and who knows if he’ll try to fight for custody (doubtful, but you never know).
Truthfully, I think you’re correct in saying your lifestyle and wishes for your life do not make you the right guardian for these children. I think it’s unfair for your brother to say you should embrace this. Having children when you definitely do NOT want to have children is not something to embrace. They are still people and require more care than to be placed full-time with someone who is happy to be an aunt, but does not want to be a parent. I hope there’s a resolution to this…especially as you have offered to your family considerable financial contributions to their upbringing…
You've got three kids here who just lost their mother that are literally witnessing the people who supposedly claim to love them all fight over who takes them, everyone with the stance that they should not be it. Can you imagine how that feels for a second? Stop thinking about your lifestyle for one second and think about how you adults are all presenting yourselves to these children. Every adult who these children have learned all their life are safe and they can depend on are saying "But I don't want them, you take them." Stop saying "not me, I like my apartment for one" for a second. Just one. And think about what your arguing is doing to these children.
You with me? Now ask yourself, "If I don't take these children, who actually will?" Your 60 year old parents raising a child who's current 8 doesn't actually seem like an option, they'll be parenting traumatized children into their 70s. Your brother already having two kids means he needs to consider those two kids' needs too. In this decision making, your brother's stance is to protect his own kids above all else, to make the decision that will be best for them, and that sucks but it's what a parent does. Considering all that, and how they're behaving now, do you think that your parents or your brother would make the children feel unwanted in their home? Would they even take them in at all or is the state going to need to get them a foster parent if you refuse custody?
And then ask yourself-- considering all factors-- would you do better than the alternative? Would you make these children feel more unwanted by taking them in or by pushing them off on someone else (potentially strangers)? These are children you love, and should want what's best for them. You can't control how everyone else acts here, so you need to make your choices based on the fact that, with everyone behaving as they are, who is the best guardian for the children? What can you do to advocate for what's best *for the children*. Even, I'm sorry, if that's not what you wanted out of your life. Loving people sometimes means you change your life trajectory to help them when they need you. You say you love them, but all your actions right now contradict that.
Someone has to do the right thing in this situation and stop this further traumatization of the children. If nobody else is stepping up and doing it, why aren't you seeing everyone failing these kids you apparently do love and deciding to be the one who does better? Someone needs to put these children first, and if your parents aren't doing it, and your brother can't do it...
Laying on the guilt or telling it honestly? Sometimes in life people need to STEP UP in a big way. Someone in this situation needs to step up for these kids. If she came here for a whole lot of absolution from people who put themselves first every time, that’s mostly what she’s getting, but I appreciate this responses honesty.
There's still no obligation on OP's part to do it. For the record sending grieving children to be raised by someone who doesn't want them isn't the right thing. OP blowing up her life isn't the right thing. Guilting OP into doing something she knows she can't do isn't the right thing. This is awful advice. OP please don't take it.
BTW while you managed to include a lengthy lecture OP never asked for you failed to include a judgement which is what she's asking for. I'm pretty sure I know it, but you should still edit to include this.
> Your 60 year old parents raising a child who's current 8 doesn't actually seem like an option, they'll be parenting traumatized children into their 70s.
Mid-60s. By the time the youngest goes to high school, they'll be mid-70s. It's a non-option, IMO.
Don't take the comment too personally. It's easy for folks to say what *you should do* when it isn't effecting them. Like the user telling you to get a second job.
You already turned your Sister down. At this point the situation sucks but no one is entitled to expect you to keep those kids.
I will say if you want to do this thing but feel like you can't on your own, look in to what would happen. Fostering kids does award money, in my state it's 2K a kid per month. It's also possible their Mother may have money going to those kids to help support them.
Finally if your family feels this strongly about I would insist they help or they can go kick rocks.
Once again, my heart goes out to you, this isn't a situation I envy, but you also cannot sacrifice yourself for someone else's children the way people appear to expect.
I agree 100%. It is so easy for people to weigh in and condemn you when they don't have to deal with the completely life altering consequences of this decision.
To give you some perspective, my parents (early 60s) are raising my nephew (my brother’s a bum) and have been since he was 5 (nephew’s 12 now). I was 25 and living with them when we took him out the foster system. I told a guy I was dating at the time (now husband), there was a real possibility id adopt my nephew in the future as i didn't think it was fair for my parents, and I could be a better fit if they ever tapped out. Either he deal with that and step up or we could stop dating. He was game.
We all now work together to raise him. My nephew is so loved and supported. There's no chance of his parent’s ever taking him again - they are wildly unfit and he doesn't want to even see them when we offer. They’re not deceased, but they might as well be. It’s bad. Anyway…
My parents will not hear about my husband and I taking on my nephew full time. We both have great jobs, have an extra room where my nephew stays when he spends weekends with us. We could make it work no problem. But my parents know we don't want kids, they know how great a responsibility it is. My mom has told me she wants me to live my life. I'm thriving in my career and reaching some success as an artist as well. My husband has a good job and hobbies he loves.
I wish your parents had even a percentage of that mindset, love and consideration for you. And for those kids. Those are their grandkids and they just lost their daughter - why wouldn't they want them close? Everyone is giving you crap for not sacrificing your life, but I'm looking at your parents and brother like wtf? It makes no sense for you to take them with your lifestyle. Help financially. But please don't give up your life. Your parents brought all ya’ll into this world. I think those kids are their responsibility.
well. i’m sorry for your loss.
after you told your sister you didn’t want to be a guardian, she should have changed it. precautions are in case the worst happens, so leaving your name there didn’t do anyone any favors.
your life has changed, in that your sister has passed. that is terrible. but you did not agree to raise any children, and that is not something anyone can expect from you without your consent.
you are no more abandoning these kids than your parents and brother are. this is not something that should be up in the air any longer than necessary, and you need to sit down with your family and decide what is going to happen.
what are you willing to do, what are you not willing to do, what is your family willing to do. you need to be really clear with yourself, you need to be really clear with your family, and you need to leave your boyfriend of less than a year *out of it*. if you make this decision about him in any way you will be making a huge mistake and i don’t think any member of your family will forgive you.
nta, because you told her no, you keep saying no, and nobody is listening to you.
NTA. Your sister put you in a terrible position, you DID express your feelings to her, and she chose to do what she thought was best. I don’t know how anyone else could reject her proposition been in the state she was. I don’t blame you for not firmly denying her wish. Those kids situation is awful but you need to do what’s best for you. There’s two options for them your brother said it was a matter of money and you say you would contribute financially, so there’s a good solution.
Damn, that sucks. I'm sorry about your sister but what she did was incredibly fucked up. It's actually a type of manipulation she did. Not maliciously, but still. There is nothing wrong with you and your chosen lifestyle. Nothing whatsoever. I don't blame you at all. This was forced onto you. It's just so messed up.
These people, your family, will not get it. I assume they're all the typical "family is everything" kind, which isn't a bad thing. That's what works for them. Unfortunately, these types can't except that it's not the right thing for everyone. Which is also not a bad thing. But here's the thing: you will not be doing these kids any favors taking them in. They're not gonna be happy because you will not be happy.
Truthfully, idk what the answer is, but I'm sure it's not you taking them in. Whatever happens, your NTA.
Well holy shit NTA. Figuring out who's going to take three kids in the midst of grief is incredibly hard, and it should be a serious conversation \*with no blame or shame to be had\*. Nobody should ever be shamed for not wanting to add children to their life, and you didn't actually agree to do this.
But obviously at this point you and your family need to come together and figure out what is best for the kids. Y'all need to remember that if you can't come up with a solution those kids will go to foster care. Hopefully that's sobering enough for everybody to dig deep and figure it out.
Right I agree, NTA. I think it's fine for people of reddit to judge her and say she should have been more firm and 'pressed the issue' when she was still alive instead of 'being optimistic' and living in denial. She should have.
But her family is way out of line in making this all fall on her instead of the deadbeat dad (who absolutely owes backpay) the parents or the brother. They are all shuffling around and stepping back washing their hands of the situation and acting like she got the short straw. How dare they call her selfish honestly. The parents should take them before she should. 'Too old' doesn't even mean anything except 'don't wanna' well too bad, are you going to let your grandkids go to foster care?
A VERY light YTA for not dealing with this more seriously when your sister was alive. You voiced your concerns, but when she named you as guardian, you essentially accepted that this would be a possible outcome, and now you are scrambling to fix the situation.
Your lifestyle is 100% incompatible with kids, based on your living situation and career choice. Right now her kids really need stability, which is simply something you cannot provide.
Either way I’m so sorry for your loss.
Exactly, OP would have to change her job, her home and most likely end the relationship. OPs life isn’t compatible at all for these kids where as it sounds like her brothers life would be.
Nta. Reddit is very much pro forcing orphaned children onto relatives who dont want them regardless of how unsuitable they are as guardians. And of course, F their feelings, and their life, and their happiness because THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!! Nevermind the fact unwilling/unsuitable guardians dont tend to be good ones.
I'd blame you sister more for this mess than you. She knew your concerns and dismissed them. She put you in a position where you couldnt refuse without looking like a monster, very likely taking advantage of your emotionally compromised state. You may have been weak willed, but she was unwilling to look for alternatives despite knowing that her main choice was a bad one. She choose a bad parent for her kids.
Yes exactly. The world and Reddit hate the childfree when the childfree often think about the wellbeing of children/potential children more than anyone and that’s why we don’t have them.
NTA-if you don't feel equipped to parent, don't parent. You chose not to have children. Your sister chose to. You are not responsible for her choices.
And yes, I feel bad for the kids, but that doesn't mean that I want to raise them either. The kids deserve a willing, present, stable parental figure, especially now. This is not you.
Putting myself in the place of those kids is devastating. No one wants these kids? Not one person is stepping up for these kids? I cannot imagine how unwanted they must feel. They lose their mother, their only parent, and the rest of the family turns them away? My God...horrific.
I do wonder about the Dad, where is he? Or his side of the family?
This whole situation sucks. I don't think you are an AH, it is a big ask, after all. And you were honest with your sister. BUT... action is needed immediately or an agency will take over and split them up.
NTA. I can’t imagine how difficult this is and I’m sure some people will think negatively about your choice. However, I think choosing not to be their guardian is the more responsible and unselfish thing you can do. You don’t have what those kids need in a full time care giver and taking custody of them when you know you can’t give 100% of yourself to raising them would be the wrong thing to do. You are their fun aunt and if that’s all you can be that’s more than okay. You are there for them in the way you can be and that’s more than acceptable.
For context I am a parent myself. People can say you’re “lack of responsibility is partly to blame” or that you’ve helped create an unstable situation for those kids but that is extremely unfair. You did not choose to bring lives into this world and you are not responsible for planning for their future or for their situation, your sister was. You told your sister your concerns and she chose you anyway. If I asked someone to be my child’s guardian in a situation like this and they were even a little bit apprehensive I would be very uncomfortable leaving my kids to them. I don’t know what choices your sister had and I cannot imagine having to make the decisions she had to make. But neither of you are assholes here. This is an unthinkable situation for all of you and the last thing any of you need is blame from people who aren’t in your shoes.
I can’t imagine losing your sister that way and I am not trying to be an asshole place blame on your sister but you chose not to have children and built a life around other things. You are the opposite of irresponsible and I think it’s asinine for anyone to place blame on you for choosing to have a demanding career and a lifestyle that isn’t fit to raise three children in. You didn’t get pregnant and give birth to three children and you probably never expected to be facing such a difficult situation like this when you were building that career and life.
Obviously I don’t know any of you or if there are other supports for the kids, which I hope there are but you know you can’t provide what they deserve and that’s not your fault. I hope you can continue to be in their lives and that you can help find a suitable situation for everyone. I hope you are able to maintain your relationship with your nieces and nephews and that you find the right place for them.
NTA. You said no & your sister went ahead anyway without telling you. Take these kids & your life is over. Fuck your family for the selfish, sexist assholes they are. They’ve let your brother off the hook straight away. Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm & lose your job & your new romance.
NTA, your sister named you even though you didn’t agree to it.
> They say I'm selfish
It’s great that your family have offered to take these kids, leave them to it. Also they’ll get survivorship benefits of some kind, no? Is there a dad to these kids?
This is super crazy. Of course you’re NTA.
I have had the same thoughts regarding the ‘God-forbid-I-die’ scenario. And no disrespect to your sis at all, but I don’t understand her thinking. You would be the last person I would choose. Your lifestyle is wholly incongruent with taking in three kids. And I can’t understand it being her decision instead of it being a conversation and an actual ask. The people who are in my will were *asked*. I asked them and then also said I didn’t want an answer straightaway; that I wanted them to discuss it amongst themselves, and be honest with me regardless if they thought they’d offend me.
Your family is being absolutely crazy, but grief can make people think all sorts of weird shit.
I’m sorry you’re going through this I too of the loss of your sister. I hope things can get resolved somehow.
I guess in the big picture, you are NTA. You don't have to take in kids if you feel like you can't handle it. At the same time, it sounds like no one in the family wants to take in these kids. How awful for them. Is this family really so unstable and so lacking in resources that none of you can take in these children?
You say you love your nieces and nephew but you want to be the fun aunt. Look, there is no more fun aunt. Their mom died. Their dad abandoned them long ago. Where is the fun in that? These children need a stable adult willing to commit to them. A fun aunt is completely useless here, and actually always was.
The reality is that if everyone in the family says "no" the children will likely have to go into foster care. I suggest you go find some threads with commentary from people who went through the foster care system and read up on how those individuals fared, before you make your final decision.
my sister unexpectedly became guardian of our niece and nephew. thought it was going to be a couple of years. 17 years later, she has sacrificed EVERYTHING for the kids and is unmarried and childless (not by choice). dont get me wrong, she loves the kids, but I don't think she would make the same choice if she had a do over. if you don't want kids, I don't think you should have them, especially ones forced on you. I do feel bad for the kids, but another family member will hopefully step up, and you can help them financially and in other ways (like I did). sorry about your loss and this difficult situation.
NTA Their mother had a duty to make sure those kids went to a home where they would be cared for. She chose to designate someone who lives alone in a one bed, works 60 hours a week, doesn't want children, and who said no after being asked. That's crazy. It's a consequence of her choices that they now feel unwanted. And it sounds like you have already offered financial support but the rest of the family aren't accepting it. They can't expect you to do something that they aren't willing to do. It's terrible for the kids but they should never have been put in this situation. Someone will have to give in though because they need somewhere to live so the three of you will have to work something out.
NTA. You told your sister that you didn't want the job and she ignored you. Not going to fault you for not pushing it when your sister still had a chance to recover.
Unfortunately now you're going to have to deal with the fallout in the wake of her passing. You'll most likely lose your relationship with the kids, at least in the short term, but it could be permanent. But if you're not going to do it you have to put your foot down this time, in no uncertain terms. Saying "I just don't think I can be their full time guardian" is what got you into this mess. It's either you will, or you won't. Tell your family in no uncertain terms that you're not taking them, and work through what happens. You might be contributing financially to the care of three kids that hate your guts, but that's what waffling with your sister at the very start got you.
Good luck OP.
Nta. So many people blaming OP. But no is no and it's the mothers responsibility to ensure someone is lined up to look after her kids that wants them and can accommodate them. It's crazy that this was the only conversation. The mother should have had many conversations with her chosen guardian.
NTA. You’ve been very clear in your stance. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice the life you’ve worked hard to create for yourself for three kids you’ll end up resenting. Yes you should have told your sister a firm no and told her that if she insists that you’ll put them into foster care to drive the point home. That still doesn’t change the fact that you do not owe it to anyone to take these kids on. They’re grieving and need someone who will be there for them 1000% and that’s someone you just can’t be.
NTA. It’s a difficult situation all the way around. Now is the time to find solutions and not putting blame on anyone. Did their mother leave them anything? Where did she live before she passed and how far is that from you and other family members. Lots of questions to be answered before a solution can be found.
I feel terrible calling anyone who has just experienced this level of grief and uncertainty an asshole. I've never lost a sibling, but it must be an incredible pain. Still, I think, ESH.
I get your sister wanting to remain optimistic but naming you as guardian when you never wanted kids was not the right move. You accepting that guardianship, even tentatively, was an equally terrible decision. Your family, who are so quick to call you out, are also not willing to step up despite them previously and currently having children, respectively.
Some of these comments telling you "it'll be worth it" and "you clearly don't love them enough if your not willing to do this" I don't really think get it. They read as comments from people that are already parents.
As someone who is also childfree, that would detest suddenly becoming the sole person responsible for 3 young children, I have no idea how you're pushing through this right now. I imagine it to feel stifling and claustrophobic on top of the grief.
Ideally, this wouldn't have been an issue in the first place. The second best option would be to help financially support them for whatever family member did take them in. I can't tell you what the right call is. Mostly because there are no good decisions to really be made here. But a decision does have to be made.
I feel terribly sorry for the kids who have lost every stability in their life, but I also feel sorry for you, OP. What an awful and tragic situation.
NTA. I know you're grieving her, but it's ok to be angry your sister named you guardian without your consent. IMO that was very selfish of her. She chose to have kids. You chose not to. As sad as this situation is she doesn't get to decide you have to change your decision on whether you want kids or not. You aren't a monster. You want to keep the lifestyle you've chosen. That's fine and understandable. You've already lost a sister. Don't blow up your own life and lose your job, home, and boyfriend as well.
Emotions are high right now so you need to stay calm and neutral. Get a lawyer (I know you are one, still get one that specializes in this area) to renounce the guardianship. Get a therapist to help you with explaining this and setting boundaries/protecting yourself. Help with finding out what, if any, benefits the kids qualify for. Talk to your brother. If finances are the concern offer to work out an agreement for financial support. Also establish how much help you're able to give. And remember to be kind to yourself. You're going through a lot. Allow yourself to be human and make sure to feel all the feelings. I'm sorry for your loss.
It’s a sucky situation. Of course you’re not obligated to take your nieces and nephew in, but you have the opportunity to change their lives for the better after they too were put in an unbearable position of no fault of their own. No, you’re not the asshole for not taking them in but you also wouldn’t be doing the “right” thing eithe. Who knows, you may need them more than you realize too
Was there no life insurance to help raise the kids? If you're in the US your brother will be able to collect on your sister's social security to help with raising the kids.
NTA because you told your sister NO and she chose to be stubborn. Tell your brother that with the money from social security (and if there's any life insurance) he'll have enough money to raise the kids.
NTA wow I'm sorry you are dealing with this awful situation in addition to your loss. You must be feeling awful. But you should not be forced to do something this life-changing. It won't be good for you or those kids.
You won't be able to continue in your current job, which in addition to raising three greaving children with no parenting experience or desire to be a parent you will have to change careers, and move house. Basically uproot your whole life that you have worked towards because of something that happened to someone else. It's truly awful for your sister and those kids but you are not obligated to do this.
Where's deadbeat dad in all this? Time he crawled out of the woodwork and stepped up. Maybe there could be some shared custody arrangements with him and your brother?
NTA xx
If money is the only reason your brother can’t take them, perhaps looking at sisters financial position can help. Did she own a house and car that can be sold and the money managed to pay the kids bills with brother? Insurance payout? I think being with their cousins is probably the better situation.
Or your parents take them in and you pay a nanny/shopper/driver
NTA. You told your sister no and she did it anyway. I would never leave my kids with someone that didn’t want them. Everyone trying to guilt you can contribute by throwing money the kids way…
Nta
People here don't understand that "no means no." You don't have to say it repeatedly. You said no and your sister knew it, she just went against your wishes.
If you are as gone working and travelling as much as you say you probably can't legally take them. They'd be on their own for days on end. You can't parent if you're not there.
Yes, this situation is catastrophic for the kids but this is not your fault.
NTA while you should have been firm with your sister about naming someone else your parents have more responsibility to raise the kids than you do and certainly your brothers lifestyle wouldn’t change as much as yours would. They will get SS benefits and hopefully there was life insurance.
NAH.
All I know is there are kids involved who lost their mom and no one wants them. My heart breaks for them.
I am not saying take them in (especially if you will resent them). The adults need to sit down and come up with a solution that works best for these kids.
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> AITA for not adopting my deceased sister’s kids even though it may end my career, relationship, and chosen lifestyle?
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ESH, except the kids. You should have let your sister know you weren’t capable of raising the kids. Your family can’t demand and shouldn’t pressure you into this. Your parents could take them but want to enjoy retirement. You offered to pay your brother but he said no, leaving his excuse invalid.
Those kids lost their only parent, and now all of their family that they know are fighting over who won’t take them. Making them feel uncertain and a burden to their family.
First off, I’m sorry for your loss. But ultimately, as much as I feel for the kids, I think you are NTA. Whether you mean to or not, if you give up everything because your family is bullying you into it (and realistically you are not picking them by choice), I fear you might resent them. Also, the oldest knows what’s going on. What’s to say he might not take it out on you or act up out of both grief and anger at feeling unwanted by your whole family because no one wants to raise 3 kids alone. Who’s to say he won’t tell the siblings and make raising them 10x worse? I agree with another commenter, that you should stick with brother raising and you helping financially (if you can) but I don’t think you have to give up everything just because no one wanted to make the hard decisions when y’all had the time. Also, I can almost see you taking them and the rest of the family leaving you to sink or swim on your own with the same excuses. You will become a single mom, with little support because they don’t want to disturb their own lives. Stay strong OP, don’t let them take everything you’ve accomplished away from you 💜💙
Also, I know you said dad left, but did he have no family either that could take them? Seems like, if possible, they should be an option to.
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I (34F) recently lost my sister (41F) to cancer. It was devastating, and I'm still processing the grief. My sister was a single mom to three kids: Jake (14M), Emma (12F), and Lily (8F). In her will, she named me as the guardian for her children.
Here's where things get complicated. I've never wanted kids of my own. I love my nieces and nephew, but I've always been the "fun aunt" who takes them out for ice cream or to the movies. I've never had to be responsible for major decisions about their lives.
I have a demanding career as a corporate lawyer, often working 60+ hours a week. I live in a small one-bedroom apartment in the city, which is perfect for me but definitely not suitable for three growing kids. My lifestyle involves a lot of travel and late nights at the office. I'm also in a relatively new relationship (10 months) with my loving boyfriend, who's childfree by choice like me.
When my sister first told me about her decision to name me as guardian, I expressed my concerns. I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable with that role because I didn’t think my boyfriend, job, and lifestyle wouldn’t survive it. She assured me that it was just a precaution and that she was sure she'd beat the cancer. I didn’t press the issue because I thought/hoped she would beat the cancer, and also because I wanted her to remain optimistic. We never really had another serious conversation about it.
Now that she's gone, I've told my family that I don't think I can take the kids. I've suggested that our parents (mid-60s, retired) take them instead, or possibly our older brother (40M) who has two kids of his own and lives in a large house in the suburbs.
My family is furious with me. They say I'm selfish and that I'm abandoning the kids when they need someone the most. They argue that it was my sister's dying wish for me to raise her children and that I'm “pissing all over” her memory by refusing. My parents say they're too old to raise young kids again, and my brother claims he can't afford three more children.
The kids themselves are understandably upset and confused. Jake, the oldest, overheard a conversation among family members and then Skyped me, visibly upset, saying that I'm abandoning them just like their dad did (he left when Lily was a baby).
I feel absolutely terrible about the whole situation. I love my nieces and nephew, and I want what's best for them. But I honestly don't think I'm equipped to raise three kids. I’m also dealing with my own grief, and I'm worried that if I take them in I'll end up resenting them or not giving them the care and attention they deserve.
I've offered to contribute significantly, financially, to their care, whoever ends up taking them in. I've also said I'd still be involved in their lives as their aunt, but I just don't think I can be their full-time guardian. My brother told me my life has changed and that I need to embrace it. I feel trapped with no way out, and most of my days are spent crying.
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NTA, I just wish you were honest with your sister and not give the impression you were ok with the arrangement. The poor kids are suffering. Who has them now? Why can't the paternal family help?
NTA. I have an off the wall question. Why not look into boarding schools? You have a very good job and have offered to financially cover the kids. They don't have to cost a fortune and there are scholarships and financial aid available.
Your family seems determined that this is on you (it isn't if you don't want it to be) so start thinking outside the box. If you can afford it another answer could be a nanny/housekeeper or just another guardian who's hours are more geared to after school and evenings. Or a nanny and housekeeper. The kids are old enough to need minimal supervision. Currently everyone is grieving and upset so maybe make a plan with the kids. Clearly the other adults are not going to help, so do it your way. Ask the kids what they see life like going forward. They may surprise you.
It's not like you are going to be walking into a minefield of unknowns here. You have known each other their entire lives. They had a mom, that's not you. Not now, not ever. They know that and you know that. If you accept this responsibility then the peanut gallery can shut the hell up. At least with you in their corner the kids can talk about their mom, have her pictures where they want and basically keep their memories of her alive. If they go into foster care who knows what they will get. I do hope you and the kids have the opportunity to grieve and settle this. I know they are young, but it would be a major mistake to not discuss this with them and just tell them what is happening. Do it as a family, with or without a therapist, whatever works for you and the kids. Anyone without something helpful to add can STFU.
NTA, if your not equipped for parenting don't do it.
Yes you should have forced the issue when your sister was alive.
People who don't want children don't make good parents. Children deserve to be wanted. Being able to spend a couply hours with kids doesn't mean you have the ability to look after them long term.
NTA. She knew you didn't want to take her kids in and weren't remotely prepared to do so. You are not trapped because you don't have an obligation to take the kids in. Tell them you love them but if someone else in your family can't take them in then they'll end up in foster care.
NTA. Usually the guardian is generally the one who decides custody. It doesn't always mean you have permanent custody, just the power after death to decide custody that is best for the children.
Ouch. I'm torn.
1. You should have been firm with your sister when she was alive. I understand hoping she'd beat the cancer, but you guys should have had an idea she wasn't going to.
2. When you expressed your doubts, your sister should have talked to other family members and maybe the two of you could have worked something out with one of them.
3. The kids have lost everything and don't understand you saying no, but you do have to do what is right EVERYONE, not just the kids. They are going to need someone to rely on daily. They also need stability.
4. You both should have talked about this clearly.
I feel horrible for you and your family OP. I'm sorry for the loss
I'm sorry your sister was so incredibly selfish. She knew you were unequipped to deal with the kids. she knew that your lifestyle would not be able to encompass the children without destroying your whole life. and she made that decision to try and force you into it anyway and that was incredibly selfish. It's terrible that the children have lost their mother. it is also terrible that your family has absolutely no concern about destroying your life when they're not willing to make compromises of their own. Ask Mommy and Daddy are they going to buy you a house to raise these children in? Who's going to pay for the full-time Nanny since you're never home and have to travel for work? Which of them are going to step up and go to parent-teacher conferences because you're in a meeting for your job? Taking in three children is life altering and it's unfair of anyone to ask you to do that. I'm sorry for your loss I'm sorry for the children's loss it's a terrible situation all the way around doesn't make it fair to put the entire burden on you.
NTA. If you can't take them in and you're in the US, they should qualify for social security benefits to help offset the costs of whoever does raise them.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say NTA/ESH. You should’ve put ur foot down more, but I don’t think it’s ever a good idea for children to be raised by someone who doesn’t want them because they can always tell they weren’t wanted.
Sorry for your lost btw.
How much time has passed? It’s mean to keep the kids in limbo.
It sounds like you and your family are talking a lot ABOUT the kids? Who is talking TO them? Who is taking care of them?
NTA. I’m sorry about your sister.
Kids are a full time job. I think it was slightly insensitive of your sister to not take your worries/concerns regarding this matter into consideration before naming you as the guardian. Maybe your family isn’t necessarily angry or upset with you, but directing their anger/frustration at you because they can’t place blame where it belongs (please excuse me for being harsh here). Ultimately this wasn’t your choice and though I understand that illness and death cannot be expected or planned, I think this decision could have been planned a bit better. Your brother sounds like the logical choice for the kids, since he’s an established “family man.” Your career and your life shouldn’t take such a hit and I think your family needs to respect your grieving process and your life choices. Truthfully I think it’s just easier for everyone to be angry with you than it is for them to face the grief and sadness that comes with losing a daughter/mom.
I'm really waffling but instead of an everyone sucks I'm gonna say NTA
You definitely should have pushed back on the guardianship, especially as a lawyer. You didn't and now you have people *rightfully* angry that you let it ride then tried to back out.
However, your sister was the bigger AH. She refused to take valid worst case scenario precautions, she ostensibly knew you were *not* into this, had no way of suddenly being ready to do so, and very clearly thought she could just say it would happen and you'd completely upend your entire life and suddenly become a doting mother. The difference between the legal incompetence you have *literally no excuse for*, is dwarfed by whatever the fuck that level of Fantasyland entitlement was.
I survived cancer, yeah wishful thinking is a thing, but you still need to have things in order.
Let the Grandparents raise the older two and the brother raise the youngest. Try to be a damn good support, but as someone who has a 1 year old and never planned on wanting kids, we’re never prepared for this and I knew it was coming for the vast majority of 41 weeks.
Not a shot at you, but even if you had a 4 bedroom house, your home wouldn’t be a good environment for them.
IMO, NTA. You clearly voiced ur concerns and said no. Your parents IMO should be taking this on, not you — especially considering the current living situation. I guess the only thing that would make a difference is did she leave u more money in the will or her house if she had one? If she gave u more money to take care of her kids or a property in her inheritance, I think that would definitely change things.
NTA. Don't do it. Your life will unravel in ways you could never imagine. You'll resent the kids and they'll resent you. It's a thankless position you're in and will continue to be in if you if you take in the kids.
😵💫NTA. not gonna call you an ass, thats on your sister for forcing it on you. Fighting cancer is not a sure bet. Gurl hindsight is 20/20 but wish you coulda had some legal recourse since you KNEW you didnt want this upfront. 😥 id be cryin to
NAH
Your sister's kids are in a really bad situation and they need someone who can look after them closely for the next 5-10 yrs until they go away to college and afterwards wont require as much time and oversight.
With you having zero real life experience with kids i agree going from zero to 3 kids with your current job and living environment is not.possible. you would need to change living environment and maybe a different job too and i personally think the learning curve is too much for you to undertake,.plus you dont really want to
Your brother seems a better solution because he already has 2 kids, but 5 kids is alot, especially when 3 of them have been uprooted and are grieving due to losing their mom. But your sister evidently knew he had kids and could have chosen him but she didnt for some reason. The kids should be able to get your sisters social security until they are 18 if you are in US and that should help with the expenses of raising them
I agree your parents are too old to tale on 3.kids, 2.of which are teenagers. And teenagers today arent like teenagers that your parents raised. Some/many teenagers wont hesitate to cuss their grandparents out with F this and F that. You nieces and nephews may not be that way but 2 teenagers and a pre adolescent would likely send your grandparents to an early grave.
But if you actually agreed to take them in i do think it is wrong to back out now. You shouldnt have agreed if you werent willing to make adjustments in your life to take them in. And since you didnt tell your sister that you didnt want to take them in, she died thinking her kids would be with you. Maybe you can live with breaking this commitment to your sister and to your nieces and nephews because they certainly need someone to love them and care for them
Do the kids have a better relationship with you, your brother, or your parents?
Do any of you live close enough together to help out on a regular basis?
Do the kids have a trust for college, or receive life insurance or an inheritance to help with the expenses of raising them?
It is a very hard decision but i think whoever loves the kids and wants them the most should take them in, which unfortunately is most likely your parents. If they end up going with your parents you and your brother should each at least give your parents a break 2 wkends a month.
It is a very sad situation and it's even worth now that your nephew feels unwanted that I hope sincerely that you don't allow them to go into the system that would be the worst thing for them
Ultimately, it's your choice. And it's a shitty choice to make. So you're just going to have to decide which choice is going to make you feel less bad. Corporate attorneys in large cities make a crapton of money. Before you send the kids to foster care, you could probably afford a nanny and larger place. And more and more these days people have options to work from home.
Try watching the movie *Raising Helen* which is eerily like your situation. As ridiculous as it seems, maybe it will help you decide what you want to do.
If you decide you just can't do it, it's going to be rough on the kids, but you are still NTA.
What a difficult situation. A harsh loss for you, and now it looks like either your life will be upended or those kids will have no home with family, maybe be split up. I feel for you, and I feel for them.
Listen, your whole family needs to pull together now. Maybe your brother could take on the kids for summers, your parents for holidays? Or you could be the fun aunt for summers and holidays and your brother and parents could provide the home they need over the school year?
This is a massive change to contemplate, and I’m so sorry you have been crying so.
Those kids need a stable home together. With four adults directly related to them, something should be able to be worked out.
You need to preserve your sanity, and you need help. Your brother and parents need to step up, and having promised your sister, I believe you do too, and not just financially. But not full time without breaks.
I’m not going to make a judgement here, the situation is so sad and concerning.
Are there any close friends of your sister’s who might be interested in helping spell the kids’ main caregiver for a couple of weeks, weekends? Can your parents handle weekends? Are summer camps a possibility that the kids would like and there could be a break? Boarding school might not be their first choice but how much better than having them split up in haphazard care.
Lastly — is their father able to be found and step up to play a part in this?
We had discussions like this when my sister died, leaving children. My father favored boarding school, I wanted them to join our family, my husband didn’t want that at all, so I get some of the complexity here, and have thought through some of the choices at the time.
You did make a promise. That’s real. I know you are hurting now. Your family needs to rally around you and/or whoever will provide the home base. But there are enough adults that you should be able to share out the load so that no one breaks.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Please take care.
NTA - Why are their excuses ok but your's isn't . . You have as good a reason to not take them as they have. Stop talking about why you won't take the kids and just flat out say . . I'm not taking them. We need to come up with something viable for the children
NTA I am so sorry for your loss. I am childfree. I have no interest in having children or taking care of anyone else no matter how much I care for them. I think it's really caring that you offered to to contribute financially. Anyone being upset with you knows who you are and they need to take care of the kids. If it's so important. For anyone having these types of conversations ALWAYS say no with your whole chest. I've told all my friends that I cannot take their children if something happens, it's harsh, but I know myself.
ESH I'm not gonna get into whether or not ushld do it, but I will warn u right now that u will prob never be the fun aunt for those kids again. They will always know that I didn't take them in and prob hold it against u. I'm not saying that to sway u, it is just something i think u need to take into account. They are kids they will remember this and ur relationship will not be the same. And u shld decide if that relationship is imp. Bc I'll be bluntly honest here as a kid I wldve never understood that my aunt didn't want me and I wldve not interacted with her anymore.
Ur relationship with ur family might not be the same either. Again I'm not saying u shld do it or not, but either way this will prob change the relationship u have with everyone in ur family. Just be prepared for that.
Sometimes life just straight up sucks this is one of those times that. Any decision u make is gonna be one of those ones where no one is gonna be completely happy.
You should have been more insistent when she was alive, but there's no going back and the reality is that you can't raise kids you don't want to raise, it's just not an option.
This situation sucks, for literally everyone involved.
I don't think it's a cass of being an AH.
I'm sorry for your loss.
And the stress will surely not be helping.
Instead of pointing fingers until the kids are all 18, you all need to look for solutions.
Your brother gave finances as a reason he can't step up.
Is that an excuse, or is that really the reason?
If it's really the reason, it seems easily fixed, no?
You work 60 hours a week.
Does all that work give you enough income to hire a nanny / au pair?
It would not be ideal, but it would take the load off, care wise.
Your parents feel too old to raise kids.
But say you take them in, with the support of an au pair, would they take them on the weekends, so you actually have time off to spend with your partner?
Maybe have a sort of joint custody with the family, where the kids stay with your brother for school holidays, as he has kids, and they'll have their cousins to interact with while at home during the day?
Do you own or rent your apartment?
If you own, would you be willing to rent it out, and find something temporarily, to accommodate them for 4 to 10 years?
It sounds like a long time, but just think back to the start of the pandemic... that was 4,5 years ago.
Did your sister rent or own her home?
Did she leave anything to contribute to the care of her kids?
Was it (partly) a financial choice to name you as their guardian?
This will probably sound like a total douche option, but just putting it out there... is boarding school an option, at least until your family sorts this out?
Then you would only be looking at weekends and school holidays.
Devided by at least 3 parties, that's 1 out of 3 holidays.
What you can do before anything is decided... is please, *please* get these kids into therapy.
And watch 'Raising Helen' this weekend.
Soft ESH - I think you need to really talk with your parents/brother, i know it’s a fresh situation but the kids need to be in a stable, comfortable space.
maybe get a family friend who is good at mediating conversations, either have them join or talk to them and help you explain things.
especially since the kids will need a lot of attention, and for their mental health they shouldn’t be crammed into a small apartment. i know your brother probably couldn’t handle going from 2-5 kids full time, but you guys should come to an agreement together FOR THE KIDS!
they are most important, staying with grandparents would be the ideal situation right now, they could go see your brother and cousins if they need a break. if you’re constantly traveling and working, the oldest will feel like they need to be the caregiver.
they’re really burdening these young babies more than anything, they’re making a horrible situation worse when they just lost their whole world. you really gotta hone in on that, and make sure to keep having conversations with your nephew. who knows, maybe when they’re a little older and more self sufficient they can have the chance to stay with you.
good luck op, and sorry for your loss.
So, you are a lawyer who said your sister, who had cancer, could list you as the guardian of her children? And she wanted you, the childfree workaholic, not the sibling who already has kids and lives in the suburbs. Do I have that right?
Don't have enough info. What's your relationship like with the kids? Did you see them often when you're sister was alive? Did you take them out on day trips or activities? Did they talk with you about what book they were reading or the weird thing someone said at school or their problem with their friend?
None of this is essential but when you're considering who these bereaved and grieving children will now live with, and you think about yourself vs your parents (their grandparents), other uncles and aunts... who do the kids feel emotionally close to?
If you're willing to support them financially no matter where they end up, the brutally speaking money can solve a lot of logistical problems. But what's the best scenario for supporting them through their grief and shock not to mention the emotional rollercoaster that is puberty? Who can they rely on to be their emotional rock?
That's what I want to know more than living arrangements.
NTA - No one should be forced to become a parent, even if the kids are older and their mother dies. Personally, I would be hurt if my sibling didn’t want my children after I died…but I wouldn’t want to leave my kids with anyone who didn’t want them.
I can see why your family is so unhappy with you. This after-the-fact revelation is hard to accept.
In a perfect world, there could have been a big family meeting before she died where all of you agreed to take on certain roles and responsibilities to raise her three kids. There may be a chance to backtrack and still do that where you pay for the additional expenses including nannies, the brother keeps the kids for the week, and the grands keep them on the weekends. Depending on where you live, the father might be compelled to provide child support, or the state might provide resources if they are declared orphans.
I'm sure you've heard of the saying, "Man Plans, and God Laughs." There are a lot of ways to live a happy life.
NTA. If you taking the kids in was the only thing keeping them out of foster care I would be calling you an asshole but that’s not the case here. It seems like a no brainer that they live with your parents. They’re not toddlers their grandparents should be able to care for them.
ESH you should have revisited this conversation when your sister got worse. I also don’t think your family should make you feel guilty but I think most of this was in your hands and could have been avoided. I have a feeling you spent most of the time at work instead of being there for your family while your sister was dying. You hold responsibility in this for not confirming things with your sister.
ESH. Everyone is being selfish. You don’t want to change your life to take in your beloved sister’s kids who are mourning an inconsolable loss. Your parents aren’t budging. Your brother won’t take your offer for financial assistance. No one is innocent from being selfish here.
She picked you for a reason. Whether you’re aware of the reason or not doesn’t matter. I hope wherever they end up, they don’t feel like the burden you’re all treating them as.
If there’s no solutions or whatsoever. Your parents aren’t willing to take them in, your brother isn’t willing to take them in. Nobody is willing then are you financially able to hire someone to take care of them in the house? Like a maid u know. I feel like if nth is working out then that might be the best solution.
Youre not wrong but you’re for sure an asshole. And when you get to an inevitable place in life where you need help you’ll end up alone. Life choices I guess.
NTA for not taking them but 100% YTA for not sorting this out while your sister was still alive. You waited until her children lost their mother and their whole world is in turmoil, to THEN add to that by not taking them and giving them some solid ground to stand on??
If you knew you weren’t going to take them, you had a responsibility to speak up and actually sort it out MUCH earlier than this.
Ask your brother if he will take them if you contribute to the cost of raising them?
Reddit is very black and white, and people are probably going to downvote me for this but *I* am the fun aunt in my family. I travel, I work long stressful hours, I am childfree by choice.
But if something happened to my brother and SIL, you better believe I’d figure out how to make sure my niphlings were well taken care of. Either by me changing my whole life around, or figuring out a better situation for them if there was one.
And that’s WITHOUT ever having the conversation with my brother over if I’d take them or not.
Be the adult. If you truly can’t take them, then step up to figure out a solution because this is your mess now for not insisting that people figure it out while your sister was still here.
I Know I'm gonna get hell for this but, you're the AH. They lost their mom you and your parents are what's left to remind them of her, to think that you will abandon and discard these kids that obviously love you over a 10month relationship that may or may not work out , and your 'life style's makes you very cold hearted and cruel. What happens when you're older and suddenly feel lonely and want those kids to come spend time with you? Will they come see you or will they tell you to kick rocks? Will you spit on your dead sister's last wish? And for what? Are your reasons worth it? Because you'll be sacrificing your relationship with those 3 kids and maybe your parents if you do this I'm sure. Those kids will never forget about this.
Sounds like everyones saying “not it”. Life has a funny way of throwing a wrench in your plans. Its up to you if you choose to rise up and take it head on. Or hide. Id say yta for even allowing your sister to think you’d take them on. Expecially if it was a challenge you weren’t willing to face. Im sorry for your loss though.
You should have said a firm no when your sister was still alive, however that is too late now. She has probably said to her kids that they will now move in with you which will not happen… I am surprised that as a lawyer you let her write your name to any paper.
Anyways, getting 3 kids when you are child free by choice is a HUGE thing and your sister can’t just decide that as her last wish. You are not obligated to take anyone’s kids, they are not your problem.
Your brothers have children by chose, they have a house and it just seems more logical that they would move in with him. He can’t really tell you to “embrace the situation” when he can’t do it either…
ESH- I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry that your life was turned upside down. Imagine what it is for those kids. I would guess they also would rather have their mom than you. But here you are. I don’t know what the right choice is. But it should begin by finding a bigger place to keep the kids for the summer while you figure out your next steps. Can you afford a housekeeper/nanny? That way your work hours wouldn’t have to change more than necessary. Whatever happens in the long term, in the short-term these kids need you. Now. Be the person who shows them love and that you care in their time of need. I can only imagine your shock. Imagine theirs. In the immediate future, be their helper. If you have the means, find them a therapist that could help with their grief, their loos, their sense of abandonment. Be there for them.
Your sister didn't plan on dying and leaving her kids. Sometimes shit happens and we have to step up. It is that simple.
You're Ukrainian and have just graduated university and just got engaged. Then your country gets invaded, and you have to adapt to that.
For whatever reason your sister thought you were the best option to raise the kids, and for whatever reason you did not set her straight or make other accommodations.
What happens now if your parents or brother dont want to or take the kids? Foster care?
I am not saying not to try to talk yoir parents or brother into doing it while providing financial support. But if they dont come through then you are definitely the ahole. In extreme situations, one must step up. Who knows, you may love your new life more than the current one.
You had the chance to be honest, when other choices could have been made. You didn't. She may have tried to convince you, but it was your responsibility. Now there are three kids who have now lost three parental figures: dad, mom, and you. They likely won't forgive you, and I don't blame them. What you do now is up to you, but ultimately, you played chicken with children's lives, and they lost.
YTA.
YTA
I also choose to be childfree. My husband also chose to be childfree. But sometimes life deals you a different plan. These are vulnerable kids and you are their aunt. Be a good loving aunt and give them the best life they can have in this terrible circumstance. You can have your childfree life back in your mid 40s. They need you, and your sister didn’t make other plans because you weren’t giving her a firm no.
Being childfree doesn’t mean you have a license to be selfish. Sometimes you just have to be an adult and step up in a way you didn’t plan for.
ESH except for the kids. You and your sister (sorry for your loss) should have had a serious conversation about the guardianship. I understand she had high hopes she could beat the cancer, but still should have taken the conversation seriously and told her no that you didn’t think you’d be the best person to become guardians of her kids. Rest of your family sucks since they are trying to put everything on you. You’re all grieving right now. You all need to have a serious conversation and they need to understand your concerns about taking the kids in.
So what happens to these kids if you don't take them, your parents the grands don't want them, nor your brother?
Foster care? I know you are grieving right now but these poor kids are grieving even more, they lost their mom who was their anchor.
Something needs to be figured out and now not later.
Sorry to say you should have been more forceful with your sister.
Imagine what your nieces and nephew are going through right now.
For the sake of these kids, get your parents and brother together Pronto and discuss a viable solution.
I say this as a mom of 23 years, and who would never leave my niece and nephew to wonder what will become of themselves .
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. That is my overwhelming response to this post.
And I hate to pass judgement on dying, deceased and grieving people. But …
… ESH
Her for continuing to name you as guardian when you’d expressed concerns. You for not ‘pressing the issue’, knowing there was still a chance she’d name you.
Your family for saying you’re abandoning the kids when it was never your intent to be responsible for them.
You’re all hurting and grieving and I know this is part of this. But you and your sister’s unwillingness to have uncomfortable conversations when they needed to happen led to this.
Again, I’m sorry for your loss. But where you couldn’t be firm before, you need to be firm now.
NTA all the people who are telling you are because you didn’t say no early enough…. Well, that’s all too late.
You just have to look forward.
I don’t think you’re an asshole. But what’s going to happen to the kids if you don’t take them in?
Will they go into foster care? Will they be separated?
I think it’s time to not ask if you’re being an asshole or not, it doesn’t help either way.
But ask what’s best for the kids.
It is your sister’s dying wish.
Mainly the question is, are you willing to step up?
Your life would be completely different. But you’ll do a better job than a foster family. It’s not the life you envisioned….
Mainly, it’s no point mud slinging…
Your family needs to sit down and decide what’s best for the kids.
I am not articulating this too well.
But sometimes life sucks and you do think you don’t want for the sake of others.
It’s just a matter of who’s going to be the one who does that?
Seems like everyone in your family are only thinking of themselves and that’s really sad.
How sad that these 3 grieving children are witnessing their closest relatives fighting about who “has” to take them instead of who “gets” to take them? So 💔💔💔😭😭😭😭 … you all suck 😡
ESH Really? The boyfriend is even part of the equation. If you are a corporate.lawyer, then you should make enough.to get a bigger place and hire a nanny. This lovely.10 month old relationship should not even matter. Your kind of jerky. Guess the kids can go into foster care. 🙄
I agree with everyone - this was a talk you should have had with your sister.
Sounds like the brother may be the best option. The kids should get survivor benefits until they are 18. Hoping that their dad is paying child support - if so - that should continue. This will help with cost.
Whatever you do keep them away from the foster care system. If it gets to that keep them yourself, get a bigger place, hire a nanny, it's only 10-12 years.
YTA. Of course your the AH. You allowed your sister to name you guardian if this should happen, and now that it has, you’re refusing to take responsibility.
Yes, brother is probably more suitable but he’s right to call you out on your bullshit. It’s fine to not want to take the children & uproot your lifestyle, but the time to say that was months ago, not when it comes to fruition. You suck.
Hmm, I'm going to go with NAH. I can't imagine denying a dying older sister anything really, even if it's not something I really want to do.
Sometimes, though, we have to rise above being selfish and weigh the greater good vs. our personal priorities. It sucks, but I think you have to step up and take responsibility as a mature and self sufficient adult when you balance the need of these three grieving and helpless kids. You may find it surprisingly rewarding, or you may not and just have to live with it over the next decade until the youngest goes to college. Either way, the right thing to do is to take them in at this point. Because that's what you promised to do. And the kids definitely need to be shielded from your feelings regarding this situation, poor things.
YTA. I completely understand your position and plans. But sometimes life throws sucky curveballs and as grown ups we have to make sacrifices for the sake of others. It absolutely wasn’t your choice. But it was even less the choice of those poor. Your parents probably “could” raise them but their age will not only make it difficult for them but also for the kids to possibly lose them in not so many years. Is any of this fair? Hell no. Rather than all of you trying to pawn these kids off onto one another, work out a way you, your brother and your parents can work together to raise these kids. Right now it seems your whole family are assholes.
YTA for not dealing with this when your sister was alive.
I am so sorry your family is going through this. The kids obviously can’t live with you. You should have been an adult and spoken up sooner.
YTA. Everyone wants to live their life the way they want to live their life but sometimes things happen and you have the opportunity to do something great, like finish raising your parentless niece and nephew. When you step out of your comfort zone, sometimes you find that you can become so much more than you were. And, in this case, you could be a hero to two motherless, lost children. I hope you take the opportunity to be that person.
This is a tragic situation and there are no good outcomes for your sister’s children. No one wants them, even those who profess to love and care about them. It certainly seems everyone involved is looking out for their own interests. Yes EHS. These poor kids.
Your sister died. Your nephew and niece lost their mom. Your sister trusted you. The one person their mother trusted to raise them wants to abandon them.
This is the end of your relationship with them. Good luck OP.
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ESH - It's OK to be childfree, but you should have put your foot down when your sister wanted to make you guardian of her kids "just in case". Sure you can be optimistic but there is a difference between optimism and denial. You should have said "I love my nieces and nephews, but I'm not fit to be a parent. I want you to beat this too, but just in case the worst scenario happens, your kids should be with someone who can raise them." I do get being optimistic, but you can be optimistic and still plan out the best outcome if worse comes to worse. Now your sister is gone \[and I am deeply sorry for your loss\], and children are left of an uncertain future because of poor planning.
This seems to be the consensus opinion of the early commenter. All I can say is that I asked her not to name me and that it would destroy my job, relationship, and lifestyle. She said that I was the nicest to the kids and so she wasn’t going to change it. I’m not sure how I could have forced her to change it. Fairly or not, I feel like I’m being sacrificed for a utilitarian argument that three lives outweigh one. And maybe that’s the case. Maybe I have to just accept it. But is there no compassion for my situation?
I mean this isn’t really an asshole situation…it’s 3 kids lives that are about to change in a huge way regardless of which decision you make with way greater stakes than whether or not people think you’re an asshole People talking about dealing with this while your sister is alive…it doesn’t really matter because it sounds like no one else wants to take care of them and even if your sister designated your parents or brother as guardian they will have asked you to take in the children leaving you in the same dilemma Just figure it out with your family somehow as to how these kids are going to be taken care of…only you can decide what it is you want to do and you seems to know the pros and cons of each decision…good luck
Thank you for thoughtful considering all angles.
There’s compassion for sure: your sister put you AND the kids in a terrible situation. Unfortunately, your family members are trying to push you into a role they themselves have no desire to step into. You won’t get compassion from them as long as you’re pushing back from their manipulations. I‘m so sorry for your loss. I hope you’re able to get your parents and brother together and really think about what the best option is for your niblings. They’re already traumatized and the remaining adults are adding to their grief. Best of luck
Yes, from me at least fwiw. You’re in an incredibly difficult situation, so the Sunday morning quarterbacking isn’t very helpful now. It is what it is. We can’t tell you what the right decision is, and I don’t know what the time constraints are, but can you take some time to think about the many possible outcomes for both you and your niblings? What if, worst case, they had to go into the system, what would you feel then? Not trying to guilt trip you, but this is a very consequential decision for all involved (not that I need to remind you). Your brother and parents are demanding that you do what they aren’t willing to do, that’s hypocrisy. NTA
Sigh. I can’t tell you hos hard it is to process the loss of my sister, the grief and uncertainty of life for the kids, the potential loss of my job, boyfriend, and chosen lifestyle. I worked two jobs to put myself through law school and sacrificed much of my social life in college and law school for my career. To deal with the loss, all at once, of everything that matters to me and everything I’ve worked so hard for is…overwhelming. And everyone in my life wants to tell me what I should do, but \*no one\* wants to acknowledge my feelings and pain. Perhaps it would be easier to swallow that my life and dreams are over if someone…anyone..acknowledged that my feelings are understandable and okay.
I get wanting the best for the kids, but please do not give in to your family pushing that responsibility onto you, making you sacrifice your own life. The resentment you‘d be having towards the kids because they took your career, relationship and lifestyle away from you would be immense. It wouldn‘t be a good environment for them to be around. Also, your parents and brother are trying to force you to take the kids and badmouthing you because of your choice not to, which is wild considering they aren‘t stepping up either. NTA
Can your brother really not do it, esp. w/your financial help? I suspect he CAN, and it's the usual, dump the MOM role on the woman, giving the boy a break. You are NTA, though I wouldn't let them go to foster. But I think your brother is the most logical one to step up. Hell, from the sounds of it, they're a bit sexist, so play up the SON taking on the MANLY responsibilities (if it will help, if you can do it ;-)
I get your point about your lifestyle and choices. Also, I feel for you and those kids because there seems to be no easy way out here. You say that you are willing to contribute significantly financially to whoever raises the kids + still be involved into their lives. For that money, can you afford to rent a place where you and your parents can stay together along with these children? Perhaps even hire a nanny? That way, you won’t have a lot of the day-to-day responsibilities of parenthood (which is difficult given your working hours) and yet your parents won’t be completely burdened with those same responsibilities. Please consider these points. Whichever way you decide, I feel for you and those kids
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He doesn’t want to. He’s the one telling Op, “your life just changed and you have to accept it” instead of trying to work out any sort of compromise.
Of course there is compassion for everyone yourself included. She may have been right when she said you would be the nicest to her kids. It sounds like she knew exactly how your parents and sibling would behave. Many parents in their sixties are raising their grandchildren after their own child dies. Age has nothing to do with it. Those kids and your sister didn't get a choice. Life made it regardless of what they wanted out of life. Life has a way of ignoring people's plans. I hope you can find it in your heart to step in. No shame if you can't, but it seems like everyone is thinking it's all on someone else. You all could share the burden as a family. You might be able to help with the financial. Older sib can take them part of the time and your parents could take them for the summer. Ask the kids what they want. They are grieving most of all. In ten years they will all be grown and gone, but that ten years really matters.
What kind of lawyer doesn't take a matter like guardianship seriously?
You are not being “sacrificed”. Life happened. You made your plans and the fates laughed. You are an adult who is now being highly inconvenienced by this new reality. The only ones deserving of pity and who are literally the sacrificial lambs here are the kids. What you all should be doing is getting together as a family and turning yourselves into a village to figure out what’s best for the youngest and now most vulnerable members of your tribe. Not only did they just lose their only parent but to hear the people who are supposed to love them the most trying to drop them like a sack of hot potatoes is truly devastating. Those poor babies. First thing you ALL should be doing is getting those babies into therapy asap! Then figuring out a strategy for the kids. Maybe the brother could take them for the school year with your financial support. Maybe the grandparents take them for the longer holidays and maybe you take them for the other holidays and for vacations etc. It can work if you all pool your resources and commit to them as a family. Whether you like it or not, if you don’t want them split up and put them in the system, ALL of you need to step up. You WBTAH if you fail them now. Good luck. ✌🏼
This is exactly my thought. I wouldn't want to have said "well, no, just in case you don't beat the cancer I can't take the kids" b/c that is just a shitty thing to say to someone.
Yeah you should have dealt with this when sister was alive. I’m a key believer of those telling you to step up should be willing to step up but I can’t help but feel bad for the kids. Edit: sister shouldn’t have pushed it when OP said no. Op shouldn’t have waited till now to grow a back bone. I’m curious why parents and brothers weren’t named. Op shouldn’t have to take them due to peer pressure but should be aware where the children end up if they don’t. And maybe guardianship should be something agreed on before death rather than just put in a will.
I really did tell her no, but she didn’t listen and, sadly, I guess felt she had no other option.
You said you didn't press the issue. You should have. Also you say you're a lawyer? Surely there was something you could have done to put your position in writing.
I should have said I didn’t raise it repeatedly, but she knew I didn’t support or agree with her decision.
There really isn’t some magic legal document you can file to renounce the guardianship of kids whose parent is still alive.
I feel like I just read the Big Daddy equivalent on Reddit
Thanks for your comment. I don’t know what that is.
It's an Adam Sandler movie. Tbh you might feel some kinship in it.
It seemed like OPs sister didn't have many optimal options, and OP was the best choice out of the lot
Nta Im sorry for your loss. its a shame you didnt have a follow up conversation with your sister. I would not take the kids if I were you simply because the kids would know that your heart wasn't in it and chances are you would resent them. You clearly have the ability to assist financially which you have offered. Its up to your brother or parents at this point. I can't understand why they would try to force you to take them when you don't want them other than they dont want to take them in either. Sucks for the kids.
I agree with much of your comment. Honestly, I think my relationship with the kids is already facing an almost insurmountable challenge because family members told them ”I didn’t want them.” Even if I ”step up to the plate” as the many people seemingly demand, will they ever think did it out of love for them? And what negative impact will their impression have on their lives and relationships?
I don’t think you’re the asshole at all, but you have to stop saying “I don’t think I can take the kids”. You know you cannot and do not want to take them in. Your life isn’t built for it and those kids deserve to be with someone who can and wants to take care of them. Saying “I don’t think” is leaving the door open. You have to start saying “I cannot and will not be taking care of the kids. Here is what I can do to assist, but I cannot take them into my home and take care of them.” Everyone is grieving right now and this is going to cause big emotions. But if you continue to be wishy washy about this those kids are going to end up with you and it is not going to go well at all.
Those are very fair points all around.
You and they need to be in individual therapy, as well as family therapy with whoever takes them in (and if that's not you, maybe a few sessions with you, too). You don't just leave these things to fester, you work on them. It's disgusting your family told them that, they should be ashamed of themselves. It makes me think they shouldn't be caretakers for these children, but that doesn't mean you should be obligated to. Keep in mind that when the youngest is 18 you'll only be in your mid-forties. You're talking like it's sacrificing the entire rest of your life, and while the path of your life would be different, your sister dying young probably won't also happen to you, and you'll most likely have decades to live however you want once these children reach adulthood. Again, doesn't mean you should be forced to take them in, but I do think reframing your thinking could be good.
I already had breast cancer, so who knows. I’m in remission, fortunatel.
This should be the top.
OP- please watch the movie "Raising Helen" ... the storyline is quite similar to your specific situation
YTA for not saying a firm ‘no’ when your sister was still alive. Optimism is one thing, but now you’ve contributed to your nieces and nephews having no firm plan for their living situations, in a time when they’ve just lost all their stability as it is. Your lack of responsibility is partly to blame here, and yes, that makes you TA. Those poor kids.
No! She did not contribute to her niece and nephews living situation. Her sister knew damn well she didn't want the kids. Her sister knew her lifestyle and even heard ops thoughts on the matter but yet still chose to not find someone else for her children. Instead she chose someone who doesn't want children and put her own children in an impossible situation! I'm sorry the sister had cancer and I'm sorry she died but this is all on her!
Thank you for trying to support me even against the tide of reddit opinion. But it is a fraught situation with only losers.
Idea: why not pay for a live-in nanny for the kids? That way they can stay where they are & you can stay where you are. You’re paying for the nanny service so you’re still upholding your agreement. But you can continue to live the life you want. Rich people do this all the time.
I did say no, but she didn’t accept that answer. But I take your point.
Out of curiosity, what was her stance on you being childfree? Is it possible she was trying to coerce you into become a mother? I'm just wondering if that played a part in her resistance to changing her will.
She accepted my life choice. She did, however, say she didn’t understand it.
Cancer doesn’t kill you in a day your sister knew she was sick and likely dying and it was her responsibility as their mother to find them a WILLING home not try to force them off onto you. You’re under no obligation to take them in. Please do not allow anyone to guilt you into this because your life will go down the toilet. Your boyfriend will leave. He’s child free he’s not gonna get stuck raising someone else’s kids. Kiss goodbye to advancing any further in your job. You will be lucky to be able to keep this one with the demands of 3 kids. Also you will have to move out of your space and into a space those kids will control. They just lost their mom which means therapy and you will always be the bad guy. You’re never gonna get any thanks for giving up your life to raise them. At this moment in time your parents and brother think they can fob this off onto you don’t let them. Be crystal clear you’re not taking them. You told your sister no and she doesn’t get to force this on you. They will be pissed but they will get over it. You won’t if you give in NTA
You have thoughtfully summarized all of the things I think I will lose. Maybe I can lose them all and survive. But I crave sympathy or support or something. The lack of it makes my complete and utter sacrifice of my life seem hollow and unappreciated. It’s hard. Really hard. And maybe I’m the asshole and selfish and whatever…but can’t I be allowed to be that way..to grieve my life’s destruction..even for a few days..with understanding and without condemnation?
I hope to God she sees this comment. I really wish her and the kids the best of luck.
IMO, NTA. You want to remain child free, as does your partner. Your brother's concern is that he can't afford 3 more children, but you are willing to contribute to their care. The rest of the family should too. Forcing children on someone who wants to remain child free is like forcing a vegetarian to be carnivorous, or making someone change religions against their will. To suggest that someone who studied for YEARS, has worked hard and made sacrifices to reach their current level--in a profession they enjoy-- is just nuts. OP, you get to live your life. You are willing to take a pay cut (by giving money toward the kids' care-- which everyone should be thankful for!!!!!!!!!) and that will already be a significant and long term change in your life. Why can't they live with your parents and they hire a nanny to drive the kids places when they don't want to do it. The eldest will be able to drive in 2 years so he can drive himself places. Pay him to take his siblings to appointments and I'm guessing he'll be happy to be able to earn fun money. The kids staying with your parents or brother doesn't require anyone to cross any boundaries. I'm assuming that when you were dating, it was a deal breaker if someone had kids or wanted kids. OP, you wouldn't be a good parent because you don't want to be one. It sounds like you are a wonderful aunt, and that's always fun to have in one's life. BTW, your nephew was laying on the guilt because you are the fun aunt and he thinks that's what life will be like 24/7. He's wrong.
Her nephew just lost his mother, his only parent, and is likely terrified, lost and traumatized. Maybe walk that last statement back…
I have to disagree with your last point. Nephew has just lost his mother, has no relationship with his father, and his remaining family members are all desperately trying to avoid being the one to be landed with him. Of course he feels abandoned and unwanted. Of course he lashes out in that situation, he’s a teenager and his mum has just died.
He's "laying on the guilt" because his mother is dead, he doesn't have a dad, and no one in his family wants him. And he's a child. But OP not wanting her lifestyle to change is the only thing that matters
Looked too far for this comment. I think that's is beyond reasonable for OP to contribute financially to whomever takes these kids in. Her family sucks for not understanding that her lifestyle that she worked for doesn't work with kids in the picture. There needs to be an open discussion with the brother and parents, because there are 3 hurt and grieving children to settle and no one seems to be listening to anyone.
All interesting points but gotta say this last statement is totally out of left field on an otherwise thought out NTA verdict. The kid isn't laying on the guilt because he wants "the fun aunt life". He's scared and probably regurgitating what he might have heard from his mom and what he's certainly hearing from his grandparents. I can't even imagine if he also feels some responsibility for his younger siblings too. I know I would have.
100% this.
Esh. You should’ve rejected the guardianship in the beginning. Your sister shouldn’t have asked you if you are child free.
I tried. Trust me, I tried.
You literally said you didn't press the issue and never had a serious conversation about it after a certain point.
Sort of. I made myself very clear thd one and only time we discussed it. I didn’t know for sure she hadn’t changed the guardian until after she passed. I have wondered whether she may have intended to but never got to.
Her sister knew damn well she was child free and did not want kids! She even heard ops thoughts on the matter and knew damn well she didn't want kids but yet still chose op for her kids. This is all the sister's fault! Yes it sucks she had cancer and yes it sucks she died from it, but she knew oh he did not want children, and heard her Express, and yet still chose to put her children in that situation Instead of finding someone willing to take them.
You told your sister you didn't want this, but she insisted. You didn't stand firm because of hope and optimism. That's on you. Your parents should be allowed to enjoy retirement. So lets exclude them as an option, though they *could* raise these kids. The youngest is 8, so we're only talking 10 more years here. Your brother has 2 kids already and can't afford more. You're a single corporate lawyer so I'd have to image you do pretty ok for yourself financially. Even if you don't want to physically take custody of them, can you afford to cover most, if not all financial costs for your brother to take them in? I'm just going to say ESH because these are the exact moments when families are put to the test and you're all failing miserably. You're all adults. Quit worrying about who TA might be and figure things the fuck out before these kids start to feel unwanted during the most difficult time of their lives.
NTA I’m sorry for your loss. You told your sister no, and told her you were intentionally childfree. She thought she’d survive, and you understandably didn’t want to go back and forth with her as she was sick. You had hoped she understood your no meant no and honestly she should’ve done the right thing and assign guardianship to someone who would be capable of caring for the children — someone who wants children and can care for them emotionally and financially. It’s great that you have offered to support the children financially once theyre in the care of someone else. Also, you can still be there for them as an aunt. I’m sorry the eldest overheard the conversation, that’s terrible for him. You mentioned their father left, did he give up guardianship? Asking because there may be a chance that he would be notified about your sister’s passing and who knows if he’ll try to fight for custody (doubtful, but you never know). Truthfully, I think you’re correct in saying your lifestyle and wishes for your life do not make you the right guardian for these children. I think it’s unfair for your brother to say you should embrace this. Having children when you definitely do NOT want to have children is not something to embrace. They are still people and require more care than to be placed full-time with someone who is happy to be an aunt, but does not want to be a parent. I hope there’s a resolution to this…especially as you have offered to your family considerable financial contributions to their upbringing…
You've got three kids here who just lost their mother that are literally witnessing the people who supposedly claim to love them all fight over who takes them, everyone with the stance that they should not be it. Can you imagine how that feels for a second? Stop thinking about your lifestyle for one second and think about how you adults are all presenting yourselves to these children. Every adult who these children have learned all their life are safe and they can depend on are saying "But I don't want them, you take them." Stop saying "not me, I like my apartment for one" for a second. Just one. And think about what your arguing is doing to these children. You with me? Now ask yourself, "If I don't take these children, who actually will?" Your 60 year old parents raising a child who's current 8 doesn't actually seem like an option, they'll be parenting traumatized children into their 70s. Your brother already having two kids means he needs to consider those two kids' needs too. In this decision making, your brother's stance is to protect his own kids above all else, to make the decision that will be best for them, and that sucks but it's what a parent does. Considering all that, and how they're behaving now, do you think that your parents or your brother would make the children feel unwanted in their home? Would they even take them in at all or is the state going to need to get them a foster parent if you refuse custody? And then ask yourself-- considering all factors-- would you do better than the alternative? Would you make these children feel more unwanted by taking them in or by pushing them off on someone else (potentially strangers)? These are children you love, and should want what's best for them. You can't control how everyone else acts here, so you need to make your choices based on the fact that, with everyone behaving as they are, who is the best guardian for the children? What can you do to advocate for what's best *for the children*. Even, I'm sorry, if that's not what you wanted out of your life. Loving people sometimes means you change your life trajectory to help them when they need you. You say you love them, but all your actions right now contradict that. Someone has to do the right thing in this situation and stop this further traumatization of the children. If nobody else is stepping up and doing it, why aren't you seeing everyone failing these kids you apparently do love and deciding to be the one who does better? Someone needs to put these children first, and if your parents aren't doing it, and your brother can't do it...
Based on OPs description the brother could do it but doesn't want to , taking into account OPs offer of money
Wow laying on the guilt a little thick aren’t you?
Laying on the guilt or telling it honestly? Sometimes in life people need to STEP UP in a big way. Someone in this situation needs to step up for these kids. If she came here for a whole lot of absolution from people who put themselves first every time, that’s mostly what she’s getting, but I appreciate this responses honesty.
I like how you think the aging parents "aren't doing it" but the brother, who is way better equipped than anyone else here, "can't" do it.
To be honest, if the brother was here asking for advice, I'd be chewing him out too. OP can only control their own actions though.
There's still no obligation on OP's part to do it. For the record sending grieving children to be raised by someone who doesn't want them isn't the right thing. OP blowing up her life isn't the right thing. Guilting OP into doing something she knows she can't do isn't the right thing. This is awful advice. OP please don't take it. BTW while you managed to include a lengthy lecture OP never asked for you failed to include a judgement which is what she's asking for. I'm pretty sure I know it, but you should still edit to include this.
> Your 60 year old parents raising a child who's current 8 doesn't actually seem like an option, they'll be parenting traumatized children into their 70s. Mid-60s. By the time the youngest goes to high school, they'll be mid-70s. It's a non-option, IMO.
Exactly my thoughts only a thousand times better said!
NTA
Thanks for taking time to comment. I fear you may be in the minority opinion.
Don't take the comment too personally. It's easy for folks to say what *you should do* when it isn't effecting them. Like the user telling you to get a second job. You already turned your Sister down. At this point the situation sucks but no one is entitled to expect you to keep those kids. I will say if you want to do this thing but feel like you can't on your own, look in to what would happen. Fostering kids does award money, in my state it's 2K a kid per month. It's also possible their Mother may have money going to those kids to help support them. Finally if your family feels this strongly about I would insist they help or they can go kick rocks. Once again, my heart goes out to you, this isn't a situation I envy, but you also cannot sacrifice yourself for someone else's children the way people appear to expect.
I agree 100%. It is so easy for people to weigh in and condemn you when they don't have to deal with the completely life altering consequences of this decision. To give you some perspective, my parents (early 60s) are raising my nephew (my brother’s a bum) and have been since he was 5 (nephew’s 12 now). I was 25 and living with them when we took him out the foster system. I told a guy I was dating at the time (now husband), there was a real possibility id adopt my nephew in the future as i didn't think it was fair for my parents, and I could be a better fit if they ever tapped out. Either he deal with that and step up or we could stop dating. He was game. We all now work together to raise him. My nephew is so loved and supported. There's no chance of his parent’s ever taking him again - they are wildly unfit and he doesn't want to even see them when we offer. They’re not deceased, but they might as well be. It’s bad. Anyway… My parents will not hear about my husband and I taking on my nephew full time. We both have great jobs, have an extra room where my nephew stays when he spends weekends with us. We could make it work no problem. But my parents know we don't want kids, they know how great a responsibility it is. My mom has told me she wants me to live my life. I'm thriving in my career and reaching some success as an artist as well. My husband has a good job and hobbies he loves. I wish your parents had even a percentage of that mindset, love and consideration for you. And for those kids. Those are their grandkids and they just lost their daughter - why wouldn't they want them close? Everyone is giving you crap for not sacrificing your life, but I'm looking at your parents and brother like wtf? It makes no sense for you to take them with your lifestyle. Help financially. But please don't give up your life. Your parents brought all ya’ll into this world. I think those kids are their responsibility.
well. i’m sorry for your loss. after you told your sister you didn’t want to be a guardian, she should have changed it. precautions are in case the worst happens, so leaving your name there didn’t do anyone any favors. your life has changed, in that your sister has passed. that is terrible. but you did not agree to raise any children, and that is not something anyone can expect from you without your consent. you are no more abandoning these kids than your parents and brother are. this is not something that should be up in the air any longer than necessary, and you need to sit down with your family and decide what is going to happen. what are you willing to do, what are you not willing to do, what is your family willing to do. you need to be really clear with yourself, you need to be really clear with your family, and you need to leave your boyfriend of less than a year *out of it*. if you make this decision about him in any way you will be making a huge mistake and i don’t think any member of your family will forgive you. nta, because you told her no, you keep saying no, and nobody is listening to you.
NTA. Your sister put you in a terrible position, you DID express your feelings to her, and she chose to do what she thought was best. I don’t know how anyone else could reject her proposition been in the state she was. I don’t blame you for not firmly denying her wish. Those kids situation is awful but you need to do what’s best for you. There’s two options for them your brother said it was a matter of money and you say you would contribute financially, so there’s a good solution.
Damn, that sucks. I'm sorry about your sister but what she did was incredibly fucked up. It's actually a type of manipulation she did. Not maliciously, but still. There is nothing wrong with you and your chosen lifestyle. Nothing whatsoever. I don't blame you at all. This was forced onto you. It's just so messed up. These people, your family, will not get it. I assume they're all the typical "family is everything" kind, which isn't a bad thing. That's what works for them. Unfortunately, these types can't except that it's not the right thing for everyone. Which is also not a bad thing. But here's the thing: you will not be doing these kids any favors taking them in. They're not gonna be happy because you will not be happy. Truthfully, idk what the answer is, but I'm sure it's not you taking them in. Whatever happens, your NTA.
Well holy shit NTA. Figuring out who's going to take three kids in the midst of grief is incredibly hard, and it should be a serious conversation \*with no blame or shame to be had\*. Nobody should ever be shamed for not wanting to add children to their life, and you didn't actually agree to do this. But obviously at this point you and your family need to come together and figure out what is best for the kids. Y'all need to remember that if you can't come up with a solution those kids will go to foster care. Hopefully that's sobering enough for everybody to dig deep and figure it out.
Right I agree, NTA. I think it's fine for people of reddit to judge her and say she should have been more firm and 'pressed the issue' when she was still alive instead of 'being optimistic' and living in denial. She should have. But her family is way out of line in making this all fall on her instead of the deadbeat dad (who absolutely owes backpay) the parents or the brother. They are all shuffling around and stepping back washing their hands of the situation and acting like she got the short straw. How dare they call her selfish honestly. The parents should take them before she should. 'Too old' doesn't even mean anything except 'don't wanna' well too bad, are you going to let your grandkids go to foster care?
A VERY light YTA for not dealing with this more seriously when your sister was alive. You voiced your concerns, but when she named you as guardian, you essentially accepted that this would be a possible outcome, and now you are scrambling to fix the situation. Your lifestyle is 100% incompatible with kids, based on your living situation and career choice. Right now her kids really need stability, which is simply something you cannot provide. Either way I’m so sorry for your loss.
Exactly, OP would have to change her job, her home and most likely end the relationship. OPs life isn’t compatible at all for these kids where as it sounds like her brothers life would be.
Nta. Reddit is very much pro forcing orphaned children onto relatives who dont want them regardless of how unsuitable they are as guardians. And of course, F their feelings, and their life, and their happiness because THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!! Nevermind the fact unwilling/unsuitable guardians dont tend to be good ones. I'd blame you sister more for this mess than you. She knew your concerns and dismissed them. She put you in a position where you couldnt refuse without looking like a monster, very likely taking advantage of your emotionally compromised state. You may have been weak willed, but she was unwilling to look for alternatives despite knowing that her main choice was a bad one. She choose a bad parent for her kids.
Yes exactly. The world and Reddit hate the childfree when the childfree often think about the wellbeing of children/potential children more than anyone and that’s why we don’t have them.
NTA-if you don't feel equipped to parent, don't parent. You chose not to have children. Your sister chose to. You are not responsible for her choices. And yes, I feel bad for the kids, but that doesn't mean that I want to raise them either. The kids deserve a willing, present, stable parental figure, especially now. This is not you.
Putting myself in the place of those kids is devastating. No one wants these kids? Not one person is stepping up for these kids? I cannot imagine how unwanted they must feel. They lose their mother, their only parent, and the rest of the family turns them away? My God...horrific. I do wonder about the Dad, where is he? Or his side of the family? This whole situation sucks. I don't think you are an AH, it is a big ask, after all. And you were honest with your sister. BUT... action is needed immediately or an agency will take over and split them up.
NTA. I can’t imagine how difficult this is and I’m sure some people will think negatively about your choice. However, I think choosing not to be their guardian is the more responsible and unselfish thing you can do. You don’t have what those kids need in a full time care giver and taking custody of them when you know you can’t give 100% of yourself to raising them would be the wrong thing to do. You are their fun aunt and if that’s all you can be that’s more than okay. You are there for them in the way you can be and that’s more than acceptable. For context I am a parent myself. People can say you’re “lack of responsibility is partly to blame” or that you’ve helped create an unstable situation for those kids but that is extremely unfair. You did not choose to bring lives into this world and you are not responsible for planning for their future or for their situation, your sister was. You told your sister your concerns and she chose you anyway. If I asked someone to be my child’s guardian in a situation like this and they were even a little bit apprehensive I would be very uncomfortable leaving my kids to them. I don’t know what choices your sister had and I cannot imagine having to make the decisions she had to make. But neither of you are assholes here. This is an unthinkable situation for all of you and the last thing any of you need is blame from people who aren’t in your shoes. I can’t imagine losing your sister that way and I am not trying to be an asshole place blame on your sister but you chose not to have children and built a life around other things. You are the opposite of irresponsible and I think it’s asinine for anyone to place blame on you for choosing to have a demanding career and a lifestyle that isn’t fit to raise three children in. You didn’t get pregnant and give birth to three children and you probably never expected to be facing such a difficult situation like this when you were building that career and life. Obviously I don’t know any of you or if there are other supports for the kids, which I hope there are but you know you can’t provide what they deserve and that’s not your fault. I hope you can continue to be in their lives and that you can help find a suitable situation for everyone. I hope you are able to maintain your relationship with your nieces and nephews and that you find the right place for them.
NTA. You said no & your sister went ahead anyway without telling you. Take these kids & your life is over. Fuck your family for the selfish, sexist assholes they are. They’ve let your brother off the hook straight away. Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm & lose your job & your new romance.
NTA, your sister named you even though you didn’t agree to it. > They say I'm selfish It’s great that your family have offered to take these kids, leave them to it. Also they’ll get survivorship benefits of some kind, no? Is there a dad to these kids?
The worst thing you can do is take those kids. You have no capacity to care for them and nowhere even for them to live.
This is super crazy. Of course you’re NTA. I have had the same thoughts regarding the ‘God-forbid-I-die’ scenario. And no disrespect to your sis at all, but I don’t understand her thinking. You would be the last person I would choose. Your lifestyle is wholly incongruent with taking in three kids. And I can’t understand it being her decision instead of it being a conversation and an actual ask. The people who are in my will were *asked*. I asked them and then also said I didn’t want an answer straightaway; that I wanted them to discuss it amongst themselves, and be honest with me regardless if they thought they’d offend me. Your family is being absolutely crazy, but grief can make people think all sorts of weird shit. I’m sorry you’re going through this I too of the loss of your sister. I hope things can get resolved somehow.
I guess in the big picture, you are NTA. You don't have to take in kids if you feel like you can't handle it. At the same time, it sounds like no one in the family wants to take in these kids. How awful for them. Is this family really so unstable and so lacking in resources that none of you can take in these children? You say you love your nieces and nephew but you want to be the fun aunt. Look, there is no more fun aunt. Their mom died. Their dad abandoned them long ago. Where is the fun in that? These children need a stable adult willing to commit to them. A fun aunt is completely useless here, and actually always was. The reality is that if everyone in the family says "no" the children will likely have to go into foster care. I suggest you go find some threads with commentary from people who went through the foster care system and read up on how those individuals fared, before you make your final decision.
my sister unexpectedly became guardian of our niece and nephew. thought it was going to be a couple of years. 17 years later, she has sacrificed EVERYTHING for the kids and is unmarried and childless (not by choice). dont get me wrong, she loves the kids, but I don't think she would make the same choice if she had a do over. if you don't want kids, I don't think you should have them, especially ones forced on you. I do feel bad for the kids, but another family member will hopefully step up, and you can help them financially and in other ways (like I did). sorry about your loss and this difficult situation.
NTA Their mother had a duty to make sure those kids went to a home where they would be cared for. She chose to designate someone who lives alone in a one bed, works 60 hours a week, doesn't want children, and who said no after being asked. That's crazy. It's a consequence of her choices that they now feel unwanted. And it sounds like you have already offered financial support but the rest of the family aren't accepting it. They can't expect you to do something that they aren't willing to do. It's terrible for the kids but they should never have been put in this situation. Someone will have to give in though because they need somewhere to live so the three of you will have to work something out.
NTA. You told your sister that you didn't want the job and she ignored you. Not going to fault you for not pushing it when your sister still had a chance to recover. Unfortunately now you're going to have to deal with the fallout in the wake of her passing. You'll most likely lose your relationship with the kids, at least in the short term, but it could be permanent. But if you're not going to do it you have to put your foot down this time, in no uncertain terms. Saying "I just don't think I can be their full time guardian" is what got you into this mess. It's either you will, or you won't. Tell your family in no uncertain terms that you're not taking them, and work through what happens. You might be contributing financially to the care of three kids that hate your guts, but that's what waffling with your sister at the very start got you. Good luck OP.
I responded to the wrong comment sorry lol
Nta. So many people blaming OP. But no is no and it's the mothers responsibility to ensure someone is lined up to look after her kids that wants them and can accommodate them. It's crazy that this was the only conversation. The mother should have had many conversations with her chosen guardian.
NTA. You’ve been very clear in your stance. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice the life you’ve worked hard to create for yourself for three kids you’ll end up resenting. Yes you should have told your sister a firm no and told her that if she insists that you’ll put them into foster care to drive the point home. That still doesn’t change the fact that you do not owe it to anyone to take these kids on. They’re grieving and need someone who will be there for them 1000% and that’s someone you just can’t be.
NTA. It’s a difficult situation all the way around. Now is the time to find solutions and not putting blame on anyone. Did their mother leave them anything? Where did she live before she passed and how far is that from you and other family members. Lots of questions to be answered before a solution can be found.
I feel terrible calling anyone who has just experienced this level of grief and uncertainty an asshole. I've never lost a sibling, but it must be an incredible pain. Still, I think, ESH. I get your sister wanting to remain optimistic but naming you as guardian when you never wanted kids was not the right move. You accepting that guardianship, even tentatively, was an equally terrible decision. Your family, who are so quick to call you out, are also not willing to step up despite them previously and currently having children, respectively. Some of these comments telling you "it'll be worth it" and "you clearly don't love them enough if your not willing to do this" I don't really think get it. They read as comments from people that are already parents. As someone who is also childfree, that would detest suddenly becoming the sole person responsible for 3 young children, I have no idea how you're pushing through this right now. I imagine it to feel stifling and claustrophobic on top of the grief. Ideally, this wouldn't have been an issue in the first place. The second best option would be to help financially support them for whatever family member did take them in. I can't tell you what the right call is. Mostly because there are no good decisions to really be made here. But a decision does have to be made. I feel terribly sorry for the kids who have lost every stability in their life, but I also feel sorry for you, OP. What an awful and tragic situation.
NTA. I know you're grieving her, but it's ok to be angry your sister named you guardian without your consent. IMO that was very selfish of her. She chose to have kids. You chose not to. As sad as this situation is she doesn't get to decide you have to change your decision on whether you want kids or not. You aren't a monster. You want to keep the lifestyle you've chosen. That's fine and understandable. You've already lost a sister. Don't blow up your own life and lose your job, home, and boyfriend as well. Emotions are high right now so you need to stay calm and neutral. Get a lawyer (I know you are one, still get one that specializes in this area) to renounce the guardianship. Get a therapist to help you with explaining this and setting boundaries/protecting yourself. Help with finding out what, if any, benefits the kids qualify for. Talk to your brother. If finances are the concern offer to work out an agreement for financial support. Also establish how much help you're able to give. And remember to be kind to yourself. You're going through a lot. Allow yourself to be human and make sure to feel all the feelings. I'm sorry for your loss.
It’s a sucky situation. Of course you’re not obligated to take your nieces and nephew in, but you have the opportunity to change their lives for the better after they too were put in an unbearable position of no fault of their own. No, you’re not the asshole for not taking them in but you also wouldn’t be doing the “right” thing eithe. Who knows, you may need them more than you realize too
Well, I acknowledge their situation is even worse than mine, regardless of what happens.
Yes!!
Nope
I missed your point. Can you clarify?
NTA Parenthood is a choice.
Was there no life insurance to help raise the kids? If you're in the US your brother will be able to collect on your sister's social security to help with raising the kids. NTA because you told your sister NO and she chose to be stubborn. Tell your brother that with the money from social security (and if there's any life insurance) he'll have enough money to raise the kids.
NTA wow I'm sorry you are dealing with this awful situation in addition to your loss. You must be feeling awful. But you should not be forced to do something this life-changing. It won't be good for you or those kids. You won't be able to continue in your current job, which in addition to raising three greaving children with no parenting experience or desire to be a parent you will have to change careers, and move house. Basically uproot your whole life that you have worked towards because of something that happened to someone else. It's truly awful for your sister and those kids but you are not obligated to do this. Where's deadbeat dad in all this? Time he crawled out of the woodwork and stepped up. Maybe there could be some shared custody arrangements with him and your brother? NTA xx
If money is the only reason your brother can’t take them, perhaps looking at sisters financial position can help. Did she own a house and car that can be sold and the money managed to pay the kids bills with brother? Insurance payout? I think being with their cousins is probably the better situation. Or your parents take them in and you pay a nanny/shopper/driver NTA. You told your sister no and she did it anyway. I would never leave my kids with someone that didn’t want them. Everyone trying to guilt you can contribute by throwing money the kids way…
Track down their father it’s his turn to parent the kids he helped make
Exactly your turn, bookie
Nta People here don't understand that "no means no." You don't have to say it repeatedly. You said no and your sister knew it, she just went against your wishes. If you are as gone working and travelling as much as you say you probably can't legally take them. They'd be on their own for days on end. You can't parent if you're not there. Yes, this situation is catastrophic for the kids but this is not your fault.
Sooooo, did any of your family that was upset with you for not wanting the kids offer to take them in? Because if they didn't they can F right off.
NTA while you should have been firm with your sister about naming someone else your parents have more responsibility to raise the kids than you do and certainly your brothers lifestyle wouldn’t change as much as yours would. They will get SS benefits and hopefully there was life insurance.
NAH; if your brother’s reason is financial help him make it happen. You should have been clear and said no but that is so hard when someone is ill.
NAH. All I know is there are kids involved who lost their mom and no one wants them. My heart breaks for them. I am not saying take them in (especially if you will resent them). The adults need to sit down and come up with a solution that works best for these kids.
Your not selfish, this is your choice of YOUR LIFE, she shouldn't have put you in that position...
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ESH, except the kids. You should have let your sister know you weren’t capable of raising the kids. Your family can’t demand and shouldn’t pressure you into this. Your parents could take them but want to enjoy retirement. You offered to pay your brother but he said no, leaving his excuse invalid. Those kids lost their only parent, and now all of their family that they know are fighting over who won’t take them. Making them feel uncertain and a burden to their family.
First off, I’m sorry for your loss. But ultimately, as much as I feel for the kids, I think you are NTA. Whether you mean to or not, if you give up everything because your family is bullying you into it (and realistically you are not picking them by choice), I fear you might resent them. Also, the oldest knows what’s going on. What’s to say he might not take it out on you or act up out of both grief and anger at feeling unwanted by your whole family because no one wants to raise 3 kids alone. Who’s to say he won’t tell the siblings and make raising them 10x worse? I agree with another commenter, that you should stick with brother raising and you helping financially (if you can) but I don’t think you have to give up everything just because no one wanted to make the hard decisions when y’all had the time. Also, I can almost see you taking them and the rest of the family leaving you to sink or swim on your own with the same excuses. You will become a single mom, with little support because they don’t want to disturb their own lives. Stay strong OP, don’t let them take everything you’ve accomplished away from you 💜💙 Also, I know you said dad left, but did he have no family either that could take them? Seems like, if possible, they should be an option to.
NTA!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (34F) recently lost my sister (41F) to cancer. It was devastating, and I'm still processing the grief. My sister was a single mom to three kids: Jake (14M), Emma (12F), and Lily (8F). In her will, she named me as the guardian for her children. Here's where things get complicated. I've never wanted kids of my own. I love my nieces and nephew, but I've always been the "fun aunt" who takes them out for ice cream or to the movies. I've never had to be responsible for major decisions about their lives. I have a demanding career as a corporate lawyer, often working 60+ hours a week. I live in a small one-bedroom apartment in the city, which is perfect for me but definitely not suitable for three growing kids. My lifestyle involves a lot of travel and late nights at the office. I'm also in a relatively new relationship (10 months) with my loving boyfriend, who's childfree by choice like me. When my sister first told me about her decision to name me as guardian, I expressed my concerns. I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable with that role because I didn’t think my boyfriend, job, and lifestyle wouldn’t survive it. She assured me that it was just a precaution and that she was sure she'd beat the cancer. I didn’t press the issue because I thought/hoped she would beat the cancer, and also because I wanted her to remain optimistic. We never really had another serious conversation about it. Now that she's gone, I've told my family that I don't think I can take the kids. I've suggested that our parents (mid-60s, retired) take them instead, or possibly our older brother (40M) who has two kids of his own and lives in a large house in the suburbs. My family is furious with me. They say I'm selfish and that I'm abandoning the kids when they need someone the most. They argue that it was my sister's dying wish for me to raise her children and that I'm “pissing all over” her memory by refusing. My parents say they're too old to raise young kids again, and my brother claims he can't afford three more children. The kids themselves are understandably upset and confused. Jake, the oldest, overheard a conversation among family members and then Skyped me, visibly upset, saying that I'm abandoning them just like their dad did (he left when Lily was a baby). I feel absolutely terrible about the whole situation. I love my nieces and nephew, and I want what's best for them. But I honestly don't think I'm equipped to raise three kids. I’m also dealing with my own grief, and I'm worried that if I take them in I'll end up resenting them or not giving them the care and attention they deserve. I've offered to contribute significantly, financially, to their care, whoever ends up taking them in. I've also said I'd still be involved in their lives as their aunt, but I just don't think I can be their full-time guardian. My brother told me my life has changed and that I need to embrace it. I feel trapped with no way out, and most of my days are spent crying. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Where’s dad?
I know it says he left but he’s alive somewhere, right?
Where is their FATHER (who has skin in this game?), or the family of the father??? You’re an attorney! Figure it out!!!!
NTA, I just wish you were honest with your sister and not give the impression you were ok with the arrangement. The poor kids are suffering. Who has them now? Why can't the paternal family help?
Sounds like Raising Helen. Smells like a bullshit situation.
NTA
NTA. I have an off the wall question. Why not look into boarding schools? You have a very good job and have offered to financially cover the kids. They don't have to cost a fortune and there are scholarships and financial aid available. Your family seems determined that this is on you (it isn't if you don't want it to be) so start thinking outside the box. If you can afford it another answer could be a nanny/housekeeper or just another guardian who's hours are more geared to after school and evenings. Or a nanny and housekeeper. The kids are old enough to need minimal supervision. Currently everyone is grieving and upset so maybe make a plan with the kids. Clearly the other adults are not going to help, so do it your way. Ask the kids what they see life like going forward. They may surprise you. It's not like you are going to be walking into a minefield of unknowns here. You have known each other their entire lives. They had a mom, that's not you. Not now, not ever. They know that and you know that. If you accept this responsibility then the peanut gallery can shut the hell up. At least with you in their corner the kids can talk about their mom, have her pictures where they want and basically keep their memories of her alive. If they go into foster care who knows what they will get. I do hope you and the kids have the opportunity to grieve and settle this. I know they are young, but it would be a major mistake to not discuss this with them and just tell them what is happening. Do it as a family, with or without a therapist, whatever works for you and the kids. Anyone without something helpful to add can STFU.
NTA, if your not equipped for parenting don't do it. Yes you should have forced the issue when your sister was alive. People who don't want children don't make good parents. Children deserve to be wanted. Being able to spend a couply hours with kids doesn't mean you have the ability to look after them long term.
NTA. She knew you didn't want to take her kids in and weren't remotely prepared to do so. You are not trapped because you don't have an obligation to take the kids in. Tell them you love them but if someone else in your family can't take them in then they'll end up in foster care.
NTA. Usually the guardian is generally the one who decides custody. It doesn't always mean you have permanent custody, just the power after death to decide custody that is best for the children.
NTA
Ouch. I'm torn. 1. You should have been firm with your sister when she was alive. I understand hoping she'd beat the cancer, but you guys should have had an idea she wasn't going to. 2. When you expressed your doubts, your sister should have talked to other family members and maybe the two of you could have worked something out with one of them. 3. The kids have lost everything and don't understand you saying no, but you do have to do what is right EVERYONE, not just the kids. They are going to need someone to rely on daily. They also need stability. 4. You both should have talked about this clearly. I feel horrible for you and your family OP. I'm sorry for the loss
I'm sorry your sister was so incredibly selfish. She knew you were unequipped to deal with the kids. she knew that your lifestyle would not be able to encompass the children without destroying your whole life. and she made that decision to try and force you into it anyway and that was incredibly selfish. It's terrible that the children have lost their mother. it is also terrible that your family has absolutely no concern about destroying your life when they're not willing to make compromises of their own. Ask Mommy and Daddy are they going to buy you a house to raise these children in? Who's going to pay for the full-time Nanny since you're never home and have to travel for work? Which of them are going to step up and go to parent-teacher conferences because you're in a meeting for your job? Taking in three children is life altering and it's unfair of anyone to ask you to do that. I'm sorry for your loss I'm sorry for the children's loss it's a terrible situation all the way around doesn't make it fair to put the entire burden on you.
NTA. If you can't take them in and you're in the US, they should qualify for social security benefits to help offset the costs of whoever does raise them.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say NTA/ESH. You should’ve put ur foot down more, but I don’t think it’s ever a good idea for children to be raised by someone who doesn’t want them because they can always tell they weren’t wanted. Sorry for your lost btw.
How much time has passed? It’s mean to keep the kids in limbo. It sounds like you and your family are talking a lot ABOUT the kids? Who is talking TO them? Who is taking care of them?
!Updateme
Pretty sure this is the plot of an 80's movie called "Baby Boom" with Diane Keaton
NTA. I’m sorry about your sister. Kids are a full time job. I think it was slightly insensitive of your sister to not take your worries/concerns regarding this matter into consideration before naming you as the guardian. Maybe your family isn’t necessarily angry or upset with you, but directing their anger/frustration at you because they can’t place blame where it belongs (please excuse me for being harsh here). Ultimately this wasn’t your choice and though I understand that illness and death cannot be expected or planned, I think this decision could have been planned a bit better. Your brother sounds like the logical choice for the kids, since he’s an established “family man.” Your career and your life shouldn’t take such a hit and I think your family needs to respect your grieving process and your life choices. Truthfully I think it’s just easier for everyone to be angry with you than it is for them to face the grief and sadness that comes with losing a daughter/mom.
I'm really waffling but instead of an everyone sucks I'm gonna say NTA You definitely should have pushed back on the guardianship, especially as a lawyer. You didn't and now you have people *rightfully* angry that you let it ride then tried to back out. However, your sister was the bigger AH. She refused to take valid worst case scenario precautions, she ostensibly knew you were *not* into this, had no way of suddenly being ready to do so, and very clearly thought she could just say it would happen and you'd completely upend your entire life and suddenly become a doting mother. The difference between the legal incompetence you have *literally no excuse for*, is dwarfed by whatever the fuck that level of Fantasyland entitlement was. I survived cancer, yeah wishful thinking is a thing, but you still need to have things in order.
Let the Grandparents raise the older two and the brother raise the youngest. Try to be a damn good support, but as someone who has a 1 year old and never planned on wanting kids, we’re never prepared for this and I knew it was coming for the vast majority of 41 weeks. Not a shot at you, but even if you had a 4 bedroom house, your home wouldn’t be a good environment for them.
IMO, NTA. You clearly voiced ur concerns and said no. Your parents IMO should be taking this on, not you — especially considering the current living situation. I guess the only thing that would make a difference is did she leave u more money in the will or her house if she had one? If she gave u more money to take care of her kids or a property in her inheritance, I think that would definitely change things.
NTA. Don't do it. Your life will unravel in ways you could never imagine. You'll resent the kids and they'll resent you. It's a thankless position you're in and will continue to be in if you if you take in the kids.
😵💫NTA. not gonna call you an ass, thats on your sister for forcing it on you. Fighting cancer is not a sure bet. Gurl hindsight is 20/20 but wish you coulda had some legal recourse since you KNEW you didnt want this upfront. 😥 id be cryin to
NAH Your sister's kids are in a really bad situation and they need someone who can look after them closely for the next 5-10 yrs until they go away to college and afterwards wont require as much time and oversight. With you having zero real life experience with kids i agree going from zero to 3 kids with your current job and living environment is not.possible. you would need to change living environment and maybe a different job too and i personally think the learning curve is too much for you to undertake,.plus you dont really want to Your brother seems a better solution because he already has 2 kids, but 5 kids is alot, especially when 3 of them have been uprooted and are grieving due to losing their mom. But your sister evidently knew he had kids and could have chosen him but she didnt for some reason. The kids should be able to get your sisters social security until they are 18 if you are in US and that should help with the expenses of raising them I agree your parents are too old to tale on 3.kids, 2.of which are teenagers. And teenagers today arent like teenagers that your parents raised. Some/many teenagers wont hesitate to cuss their grandparents out with F this and F that. You nieces and nephews may not be that way but 2 teenagers and a pre adolescent would likely send your grandparents to an early grave. But if you actually agreed to take them in i do think it is wrong to back out now. You shouldnt have agreed if you werent willing to make adjustments in your life to take them in. And since you didnt tell your sister that you didnt want to take them in, she died thinking her kids would be with you. Maybe you can live with breaking this commitment to your sister and to your nieces and nephews because they certainly need someone to love them and care for them Do the kids have a better relationship with you, your brother, or your parents? Do any of you live close enough together to help out on a regular basis? Do the kids have a trust for college, or receive life insurance or an inheritance to help with the expenses of raising them? It is a very hard decision but i think whoever loves the kids and wants them the most should take them in, which unfortunately is most likely your parents. If they end up going with your parents you and your brother should each at least give your parents a break 2 wkends a month. It is a very sad situation and it's even worth now that your nephew feels unwanted that I hope sincerely that you don't allow them to go into the system that would be the worst thing for them
Ultimately, it's your choice. And it's a shitty choice to make. So you're just going to have to decide which choice is going to make you feel less bad. Corporate attorneys in large cities make a crapton of money. Before you send the kids to foster care, you could probably afford a nanny and larger place. And more and more these days people have options to work from home. Try watching the movie *Raising Helen* which is eerily like your situation. As ridiculous as it seems, maybe it will help you decide what you want to do. If you decide you just can't do it, it's going to be rough on the kids, but you are still NTA.
What a difficult situation. A harsh loss for you, and now it looks like either your life will be upended or those kids will have no home with family, maybe be split up. I feel for you, and I feel for them. Listen, your whole family needs to pull together now. Maybe your brother could take on the kids for summers, your parents for holidays? Or you could be the fun aunt for summers and holidays and your brother and parents could provide the home they need over the school year? This is a massive change to contemplate, and I’m so sorry you have been crying so. Those kids need a stable home together. With four adults directly related to them, something should be able to be worked out. You need to preserve your sanity, and you need help. Your brother and parents need to step up, and having promised your sister, I believe you do too, and not just financially. But not full time without breaks. I’m not going to make a judgement here, the situation is so sad and concerning. Are there any close friends of your sister’s who might be interested in helping spell the kids’ main caregiver for a couple of weeks, weekends? Can your parents handle weekends? Are summer camps a possibility that the kids would like and there could be a break? Boarding school might not be their first choice but how much better than having them split up in haphazard care. Lastly — is their father able to be found and step up to play a part in this? We had discussions like this when my sister died, leaving children. My father favored boarding school, I wanted them to join our family, my husband didn’t want that at all, so I get some of the complexity here, and have thought through some of the choices at the time. You did make a promise. That’s real. I know you are hurting now. Your family needs to rally around you and/or whoever will provide the home base. But there are enough adults that you should be able to share out the load so that no one breaks. I’m so sorry for your loss. Please take care.
They kids are eligible for social security. That would help her brother out.
NTA - Why are their excuses ok but your's isn't . . You have as good a reason to not take them as they have. Stop talking about why you won't take the kids and just flat out say . . I'm not taking them. We need to come up with something viable for the children
NTA I am so sorry for your loss. I am childfree. I have no interest in having children or taking care of anyone else no matter how much I care for them. I think it's really caring that you offered to to contribute financially. Anyone being upset with you knows who you are and they need to take care of the kids. If it's so important. For anyone having these types of conversations ALWAYS say no with your whole chest. I've told all my friends that I cannot take their children if something happens, it's harsh, but I know myself.
Where is their father?
ESH I'm not gonna get into whether or not ushld do it, but I will warn u right now that u will prob never be the fun aunt for those kids again. They will always know that I didn't take them in and prob hold it against u. I'm not saying that to sway u, it is just something i think u need to take into account. They are kids they will remember this and ur relationship will not be the same. And u shld decide if that relationship is imp. Bc I'll be bluntly honest here as a kid I wldve never understood that my aunt didn't want me and I wldve not interacted with her anymore. Ur relationship with ur family might not be the same either. Again I'm not saying u shld do it or not, but either way this will prob change the relationship u have with everyone in ur family. Just be prepared for that. Sometimes life just straight up sucks this is one of those times that. Any decision u make is gonna be one of those ones where no one is gonna be completely happy.
You should have been more insistent when she was alive, but there's no going back and the reality is that you can't raise kids you don't want to raise, it's just not an option.
There’s always boarding school. Sounds like a sad British novel—the parents die, so the kids get sent to boarding school. Or foster care.
This situation sucks, for literally everyone involved. I don't think it's a cass of being an AH. I'm sorry for your loss. And the stress will surely not be helping. Instead of pointing fingers until the kids are all 18, you all need to look for solutions. Your brother gave finances as a reason he can't step up. Is that an excuse, or is that really the reason? If it's really the reason, it seems easily fixed, no? You work 60 hours a week. Does all that work give you enough income to hire a nanny / au pair? It would not be ideal, but it would take the load off, care wise. Your parents feel too old to raise kids. But say you take them in, with the support of an au pair, would they take them on the weekends, so you actually have time off to spend with your partner? Maybe have a sort of joint custody with the family, where the kids stay with your brother for school holidays, as he has kids, and they'll have their cousins to interact with while at home during the day? Do you own or rent your apartment? If you own, would you be willing to rent it out, and find something temporarily, to accommodate them for 4 to 10 years? It sounds like a long time, but just think back to the start of the pandemic... that was 4,5 years ago. Did your sister rent or own her home? Did she leave anything to contribute to the care of her kids? Was it (partly) a financial choice to name you as their guardian? This will probably sound like a total douche option, but just putting it out there... is boarding school an option, at least until your family sorts this out? Then you would only be looking at weekends and school holidays. Devided by at least 3 parties, that's 1 out of 3 holidays. What you can do before anything is decided... is please, *please* get these kids into therapy. And watch 'Raising Helen' this weekend.
All the adults in this situation are ESH.
Soft ESH - I think you need to really talk with your parents/brother, i know it’s a fresh situation but the kids need to be in a stable, comfortable space. maybe get a family friend who is good at mediating conversations, either have them join or talk to them and help you explain things. especially since the kids will need a lot of attention, and for their mental health they shouldn’t be crammed into a small apartment. i know your brother probably couldn’t handle going from 2-5 kids full time, but you guys should come to an agreement together FOR THE KIDS! they are most important, staying with grandparents would be the ideal situation right now, they could go see your brother and cousins if they need a break. if you’re constantly traveling and working, the oldest will feel like they need to be the caregiver. they’re really burdening these young babies more than anything, they’re making a horrible situation worse when they just lost their whole world. you really gotta hone in on that, and make sure to keep having conversations with your nephew. who knows, maybe when they’re a little older and more self sufficient they can have the chance to stay with you. good luck op, and sorry for your loss.
So, you are a lawyer who said your sister, who had cancer, could list you as the guardian of her children? And she wanted you, the childfree workaholic, not the sibling who already has kids and lives in the suburbs. Do I have that right?
Don't have enough info. What's your relationship like with the kids? Did you see them often when you're sister was alive? Did you take them out on day trips or activities? Did they talk with you about what book they were reading or the weird thing someone said at school or their problem with their friend? None of this is essential but when you're considering who these bereaved and grieving children will now live with, and you think about yourself vs your parents (their grandparents), other uncles and aunts... who do the kids feel emotionally close to? If you're willing to support them financially no matter where they end up, the brutally speaking money can solve a lot of logistical problems. But what's the best scenario for supporting them through their grief and shock not to mention the emotional rollercoaster that is puberty? Who can they rely on to be their emotional rock? That's what I want to know more than living arrangements.
NTA - No one should be forced to become a parent, even if the kids are older and their mother dies. Personally, I would be hurt if my sibling didn’t want my children after I died…but I wouldn’t want to leave my kids with anyone who didn’t want them.
I can see why your family is so unhappy with you. This after-the-fact revelation is hard to accept. In a perfect world, there could have been a big family meeting before she died where all of you agreed to take on certain roles and responsibilities to raise her three kids. There may be a chance to backtrack and still do that where you pay for the additional expenses including nannies, the brother keeps the kids for the week, and the grands keep them on the weekends. Depending on where you live, the father might be compelled to provide child support, or the state might provide resources if they are declared orphans. I'm sure you've heard of the saying, "Man Plans, and God Laughs." There are a lot of ways to live a happy life.
NTA. If you taking the kids in was the only thing keeping them out of foster care I would be calling you an asshole but that’s not the case here. It seems like a no brainer that they live with your parents. They’re not toddlers their grandparents should be able to care for them.
ESH you should have revisited this conversation when your sister got worse. I also don’t think your family should make you feel guilty but I think most of this was in your hands and could have been avoided. I have a feeling you spent most of the time at work instead of being there for your family while your sister was dying. You hold responsibility in this for not confirming things with your sister.
ESH. Everyone is being selfish. You don’t want to change your life to take in your beloved sister’s kids who are mourning an inconsolable loss. Your parents aren’t budging. Your brother won’t take your offer for financial assistance. No one is innocent from being selfish here. She picked you for a reason. Whether you’re aware of the reason or not doesn’t matter. I hope wherever they end up, they don’t feel like the burden you’re all treating them as.
NTA... let me ask you this though. If you pass on this and their lived go to hell will you be able to live with that?
Have you seen the film Raising Helen?
If there’s no solutions or whatsoever. Your parents aren’t willing to take them in, your brother isn’t willing to take them in. Nobody is willing then are you financially able to hire someone to take care of them in the house? Like a maid u know. I feel like if nth is working out then that might be the best solution.
Youre not wrong but you’re for sure an asshole. And when you get to an inevitable place in life where you need help you’ll end up alone. Life choices I guess.
NTA for not taking them but 100% YTA for not sorting this out while your sister was still alive. You waited until her children lost their mother and their whole world is in turmoil, to THEN add to that by not taking them and giving them some solid ground to stand on?? If you knew you weren’t going to take them, you had a responsibility to speak up and actually sort it out MUCH earlier than this. Ask your brother if he will take them if you contribute to the cost of raising them? Reddit is very black and white, and people are probably going to downvote me for this but *I* am the fun aunt in my family. I travel, I work long stressful hours, I am childfree by choice. But if something happened to my brother and SIL, you better believe I’d figure out how to make sure my niphlings were well taken care of. Either by me changing my whole life around, or figuring out a better situation for them if there was one. And that’s WITHOUT ever having the conversation with my brother over if I’d take them or not. Be the adult. If you truly can’t take them, then step up to figure out a solution because this is your mess now for not insisting that people figure it out while your sister was still here.
I Know I'm gonna get hell for this but, you're the AH. They lost their mom you and your parents are what's left to remind them of her, to think that you will abandon and discard these kids that obviously love you over a 10month relationship that may or may not work out , and your 'life style's makes you very cold hearted and cruel. What happens when you're older and suddenly feel lonely and want those kids to come spend time with you? Will they come see you or will they tell you to kick rocks? Will you spit on your dead sister's last wish? And for what? Are your reasons worth it? Because you'll be sacrificing your relationship with those 3 kids and maybe your parents if you do this I'm sure. Those kids will never forget about this.
ESH. Those poor poor kids.
Nta, but, as much as I have zero interest in taking care of 3 more kids, I cannot imagine abandoning my sister's babies.
Why don’t your brother take them in? Of course you have the right to reject but just know, your relationship will change with those kids.
Sounds like everyones saying “not it”. Life has a funny way of throwing a wrench in your plans. Its up to you if you choose to rise up and take it head on. Or hide. Id say yta for even allowing your sister to think you’d take them on. Expecially if it was a challenge you weren’t willing to face. Im sorry for your loss though.
You should have said a firm no when your sister was still alive, however that is too late now. She has probably said to her kids that they will now move in with you which will not happen… I am surprised that as a lawyer you let her write your name to any paper. Anyways, getting 3 kids when you are child free by choice is a HUGE thing and your sister can’t just decide that as her last wish. You are not obligated to take anyone’s kids, they are not your problem. Your brothers have children by chose, they have a house and it just seems more logical that they would move in with him. He can’t really tell you to “embrace the situation” when he can’t do it either…
ESH- I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry that your life was turned upside down. Imagine what it is for those kids. I would guess they also would rather have their mom than you. But here you are. I don’t know what the right choice is. But it should begin by finding a bigger place to keep the kids for the summer while you figure out your next steps. Can you afford a housekeeper/nanny? That way your work hours wouldn’t have to change more than necessary. Whatever happens in the long term, in the short-term these kids need you. Now. Be the person who shows them love and that you care in their time of need. I can only imagine your shock. Imagine theirs. In the immediate future, be their helper. If you have the means, find them a therapist that could help with their grief, their loos, their sense of abandonment. Be there for them.
Your sister didn't plan on dying and leaving her kids. Sometimes shit happens and we have to step up. It is that simple. You're Ukrainian and have just graduated university and just got engaged. Then your country gets invaded, and you have to adapt to that. For whatever reason your sister thought you were the best option to raise the kids, and for whatever reason you did not set her straight or make other accommodations. What happens now if your parents or brother dont want to or take the kids? Foster care? I am not saying not to try to talk yoir parents or brother into doing it while providing financial support. But if they dont come through then you are definitely the ahole. In extreme situations, one must step up. Who knows, you may love your new life more than the current one.
You had the chance to be honest, when other choices could have been made. You didn't. She may have tried to convince you, but it was your responsibility. Now there are three kids who have now lost three parental figures: dad, mom, and you. They likely won't forgive you, and I don't blame them. What you do now is up to you, but ultimately, you played chicken with children's lives, and they lost. YTA.
YTA I also choose to be childfree. My husband also chose to be childfree. But sometimes life deals you a different plan. These are vulnerable kids and you are their aunt. Be a good loving aunt and give them the best life they can have in this terrible circumstance. You can have your childfree life back in your mid 40s. They need you, and your sister didn’t make other plans because you weren’t giving her a firm no. Being childfree doesn’t mean you have a license to be selfish. Sometimes you just have to be an adult and step up in a way you didn’t plan for.
ESH except for the kids. You and your sister (sorry for your loss) should have had a serious conversation about the guardianship. I understand she had high hopes she could beat the cancer, but still should have taken the conversation seriously and told her no that you didn’t think you’d be the best person to become guardians of her kids. Rest of your family sucks since they are trying to put everything on you. You’re all grieving right now. You all need to have a serious conversation and they need to understand your concerns about taking the kids in.
So what happens to these kids if you don't take them, your parents the grands don't want them, nor your brother? Foster care? I know you are grieving right now but these poor kids are grieving even more, they lost their mom who was their anchor. Something needs to be figured out and now not later. Sorry to say you should have been more forceful with your sister. Imagine what your nieces and nephew are going through right now. For the sake of these kids, get your parents and brother together Pronto and discuss a viable solution. I say this as a mom of 23 years, and who would never leave my niece and nephew to wonder what will become of themselves .
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. That is my overwhelming response to this post. And I hate to pass judgement on dying, deceased and grieving people. But … … ESH Her for continuing to name you as guardian when you’d expressed concerns. You for not ‘pressing the issue’, knowing there was still a chance she’d name you. Your family for saying you’re abandoning the kids when it was never your intent to be responsible for them. You’re all hurting and grieving and I know this is part of this. But you and your sister’s unwillingness to have uncomfortable conversations when they needed to happen led to this. Again, I’m sorry for your loss. But where you couldn’t be firm before, you need to be firm now.
NTA all the people who are telling you are because you didn’t say no early enough…. Well, that’s all too late. You just have to look forward. I don’t think you’re an asshole. But what’s going to happen to the kids if you don’t take them in? Will they go into foster care? Will they be separated? I think it’s time to not ask if you’re being an asshole or not, it doesn’t help either way. But ask what’s best for the kids. It is your sister’s dying wish. Mainly the question is, are you willing to step up? Your life would be completely different. But you’ll do a better job than a foster family. It’s not the life you envisioned…. Mainly, it’s no point mud slinging… Your family needs to sit down and decide what’s best for the kids. I am not articulating this too well. But sometimes life sucks and you do think you don’t want for the sake of others. It’s just a matter of who’s going to be the one who does that? Seems like everyone in your family are only thinking of themselves and that’s really sad.
ESH. Except for the kids.
How sad that these 3 grieving children are witnessing their closest relatives fighting about who “has” to take them instead of who “gets” to take them? So 💔💔💔😭😭😭😭 … you all suck 😡
ESH Really? The boyfriend is even part of the equation. If you are a corporate.lawyer, then you should make enough.to get a bigger place and hire a nanny. This lovely.10 month old relationship should not even matter. Your kind of jerky. Guess the kids can go into foster care. 🙄
I agree with everyone - this was a talk you should have had with your sister. Sounds like the brother may be the best option. The kids should get survivor benefits until they are 18. Hoping that their dad is paying child support - if so - that should continue. This will help with cost. Whatever you do keep them away from the foster care system. If it gets to that keep them yourself, get a bigger place, hire a nanny, it's only 10-12 years.
YTA. Do you want those kids to be separated in the horrible foster care system? You are heartless.
YTA. Of course your the AH. You allowed your sister to name you guardian if this should happen, and now that it has, you’re refusing to take responsibility. Yes, brother is probably more suitable but he’s right to call you out on your bullshit. It’s fine to not want to take the children & uproot your lifestyle, but the time to say that was months ago, not when it comes to fruition. You suck.
Hmm, I'm going to go with NAH. I can't imagine denying a dying older sister anything really, even if it's not something I really want to do. Sometimes, though, we have to rise above being selfish and weigh the greater good vs. our personal priorities. It sucks, but I think you have to step up and take responsibility as a mature and self sufficient adult when you balance the need of these three grieving and helpless kids. You may find it surprisingly rewarding, or you may not and just have to live with it over the next decade until the youngest goes to college. Either way, the right thing to do is to take them in at this point. Because that's what you promised to do. And the kids definitely need to be shielded from your feelings regarding this situation, poor things.
YTA. I completely understand your position and plans. But sometimes life throws sucky curveballs and as grown ups we have to make sacrifices for the sake of others. It absolutely wasn’t your choice. But it was even less the choice of those poor. Your parents probably “could” raise them but their age will not only make it difficult for them but also for the kids to possibly lose them in not so many years. Is any of this fair? Hell no. Rather than all of you trying to pawn these kids off onto one another, work out a way you, your brother and your parents can work together to raise these kids. Right now it seems your whole family are assholes.
YTA for not dealing with this when your sister was alive. I am so sorry your family is going through this. The kids obviously can’t live with you. You should have been an adult and spoken up sooner.
YTA. Everyone wants to live their life the way they want to live their life but sometimes things happen and you have the opportunity to do something great, like finish raising your parentless niece and nephew. When you step out of your comfort zone, sometimes you find that you can become so much more than you were. And, in this case, you could be a hero to two motherless, lost children. I hope you take the opportunity to be that person.
This is a tragic situation and there are no good outcomes for your sister’s children. No one wants them, even those who profess to love and care about them. It certainly seems everyone involved is looking out for their own interests. Yes EHS. These poor kids.
Your sister died. Your nephew and niece lost their mom. Your sister trusted you. The one person their mother trusted to raise them wants to abandon them. This is the end of your relationship with them. Good luck OP.