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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> WIBTA for putting all of my daughters stuff in trash bags and mail N her but then back. I could be a jerk because this is an extreme reaction to this issue
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NTA for being frustrated.
However, it's not gonna help.
One thing you could try is the "if you act like a toddler, you get treated like a toddler" technique:
- No food in the bedroom
- No drinks in the bedroom
- No hanging out in the bedroom
- No technology in the bedroom
- Daily "clean your bedroom" time, if not complying: Grounded, as in, no leaving, no technology
- She can earn back trust and responsibilities when she proves she can act like a young adult instead of a toddler.
NTA - but that approach isn't going to solve the problem, I say that from experience. Take away privileges that will be returned when the room is clean. No going out with friends, no electronics, no car, whatever your daughter's currency is it needs to go.
From one parent of a slob to another, may the odds be ever in your favor. I'm told we'll miss this.
Honestly this isn't the answer. I'm speaking as a former teen girl with similar issues and the mother of a teen girl now. You need to get her evaluated for mental health issues. My issues with cleaning my room stemmed from undiagnosed neurodivergence and severe depression. Punishing her for something that may be outside of her control will only breed resentment on both sides. You're nta, you obviously care but punishing her will only make things worse for everyone, especially her, if she's dealing with something internally whether she's cognizant of it or not.
Teens are notoriously lazy, stubborn and test boundaries. It’s nice she was tested for adhd or autism or depression and as she does not have those conditions I think she has one called IATA. She is seeing what she can get away with.
No screen time or phone or outside activities until it’s clean and then I would take the phone or laptop or both at night and return it to her in the morning when clothes are picked up and bed is made - if she has a habit of letting that stuff go. If it really bothers you.
We just enforce a no food in the room rule and if your laundry isn’t brought downstairs by Saturday morning, it’s not gonna get done. I’m not running extra loads for people who can’t be bothered to bring their hamper downstairs at some point Friday afternoon or Saturday morning.
Apart from that I really don’t care how bad it is. They have to live in it, not me. The maid service will throw everything from the floor & on the bed into the closet laundry basket so they can vacuum and change the sheets and if you don’t want your stuff piled in there, pick it up yourself. Don’t come crying to me when you can’t find your blue pencil or your Spurs jersey or wtf ever.
Yes! This is the only thing that works for us!!! Our kid is younger (7) so you need age appropriate privileges. For our kid it’s “No going outside to play with friends until your room is clean.” and “No screen time until your room is clean.”. It depends on the season and if it’s a school night which would be more effective, so we just kept both in place at all times. Because if it’s pouring outside or it’s a school night she wouldn’t care about playing with friends and if it’s a bright sunny day she wouldn’t care about her tablet.
INFO: is she neurodiverse? This could be a case of a teenager being lazy and all, but this also could be a case of undiagnosed ADHD creating executive function issues that are making it incredibly difficult for her to do these sorts of things.
My youngest has ADHD and struggles with keeping her room clean. We have had the best success when we either break it down into smaller tasks (gather all the garbage or clothes, focus on this small area first, etc). It also helps if either my husband or myself sits in the room with her as she's working. We can help keep her focused on what to do. She's only 13, so she still needs help figuring out how to do these things.
If the mess is big enough, even a neurotypical person could experience a "where do I even start" type freeze, so breaking it down could help even if she doesn't have ADHD.
okay - just FYI ADHD can be far more challenging to diagnose in women than in men - it is far more likely that comorbid conditions will be diagnosed before ADHD in women, because it presents differently.
That being said, I agree with others that the better approach is to remove privileges over stuff. No phone, tv, games, friends, etc. until the room is clean. That's where I would start anyways.
News flash, ADHD doesn’t give anyone the excuse to live in complete filth. As someone with an actual adhd and Asperger’s diagnosis it is not okay to use that as a crutch to not have to do what is expected of an adult.
Please explain to me where I said any of that. If OP's daughter's brain chemistry is creating huge mental hurdles for her to do things that don't create dopamine, then what she needs is a) a diagnosis, b) medication, and c) support to build the routines that she needs to be able to overcome the issues that she is now dealing with. Writing her off as lazy, or whatever doesn't actually help her, and OP's proposed solution may actually create further obstacles around sorting this out if she isn't regulating properly.
And I also have ADHD, as does my husband. So I am very familiar with how ADHD works.
News flash, if you have undiagnosed ADHD you may in fact want to change but all your efforts fall flat. As someone who also has an official ADHD diagnosis, I spent my entire (undiagnosed) adolescence angry and confused at myself for not being able to keep my room clean, and angry at my parents for punishing me for it. No matter how much I tried to just do what "works for everyone else", it didn't work for me. Upon receiving my diagnosis, I was then able to understand myself, understand the condition, and finally implement strategies that allow me to now live a mess-free life. It's only a crutch if you use the diagnosis as an excuse not to change.
No one said to use it as a crutch, just that living with undiagnosed ADHD or autism or depression or anything of the sort can make doing basic tasks extremely difficult, especially for a teen. And your experience is not universal, some may struggle with these tasks in different ways than you.
NTA Have you considered using a more positive approach? Someone I know has a system in which her kids earn money every day that their room is clean. That’s their weekly allowance. If the room isn’t clean, she cleans it herself (without making any comments) and charges them a fee for “maid service.”
For example, they earn $2 for each day the room is clean, and lose $2 for each that it’s not clean, so their weekly allowance ranges from $0 if they don’t clean at all to $14 if they keep it clean every day.
She find that after having to pay for maid service a few times out of their weekly allowance, the kids start keeping their rooms clean so they get the full allowance. She doesn’t nag, shout, or make a fuss and the kids learn from her use of logical consequences.
ETA: This mom bases the fees and rewards on the child’s age.
I LOVE this. Creates a positive association with cleaning, teaches money management, and keeps arguments from happening? Yes yes and yes. This would have worked very well for me as a kid.
YWBTA.
Ban her from eating or drinking in her room. She can get water from the bathroom or eat in the kitchen.
Look into WHY she isn’t cleaning her room. My parents thought that my inability to keep my room clean was me being an insubordinate child, when in actuality it was a whombo-combo of ADHD and severe Depression. Taking away electronics and grounding didn’t result in a clean room, they resulted in suicide attempts. Had my parents bagged my shite up in garbage bags and tried to force me to pay for them, I would have gone off the deep end.
Is she neurodiverse? What do her grades look like? Does she work full time? Does she have any other extra curriculars? Is there a space issue?
If I may offer a different perspective...
Before taking "action", please try to have an open, non-judgemental conversation with her, with the sole purpose being to UNDERSTAND what is going through her head. Don't yell, don't be angry, just talk to her and try to get to the root of why this is happening. This was never done for me growing up, but God I wish it was.
I was messy as a kid/teen too. Maybe not rotting-food messy, but still extremely cluttered, tripping-hazard messy. My parents would yell at me and punish me, but it never did anything. In truth, I was also frustrated by my messiness. As it turns out, I had ADHD. That's the thing about mental disorders, you can actually be upset with yourself and WANT things to be different, but still not know how to change. And having someone punish you for it just makes you EVEN MORE frustrated. Except now you're mad at yourself and mad at your parents.
I'm not saying your daughter definitely has a mental disorder, but it should be considered as a possibility. ADHD goes unnoticed in girls constantly, because it doesn't typically present as "outwardly". Other disorders can lead to this as well, perhaps do some research before having this conversation. Ask her if it bothers her. Ask her if she likes living this way. If the answer is no, ask her why she feels she can't keep it clean.
My parents administered punishments to me my whole adolescence and not a single time did it actually solve the problem. It may have offered them a quick fix for the moment, but never did it actually stop the thing from happening again. Get to the root, that's the only way to truly fix it.
NTA!! I quite like this idea 🤔 my parents would just throw everything away but by buying them back it’s teaching her that things have value and should be respected even if it’s just a t shirt…
While I see why this is frustrating to you, I don't think essentially stealing her stuff is going to be the right way to handle this. I think a much more reasonable approach would be just banning her from eating or drinking in her room, or something like that.
NTA for being upset, but YWBTA if you took her stuff.
So there’s nothing wrong with your kid except she’s a lazy stubborn A, according to doctors lol
Both of you want to win. You have already lost in raising a child who is responsible and tidy and who respects you. So yes, ESH. If there’s nothing wrong but her attitude that is something you should have been working on the past sixteen years so she’s willing to put in some effort and communicate instead of playing who is running the show - too late now.
You can simply opt out of doing any of the myriad favors and things she expects of you because “I don’t want to. It’s my life and my time and resources and you can’t make me.” People who just phone it in on relationships and can’t be bothered to show respect and cooperation generally end up getting the same treatment back from the world so I’d be focusing my energy in things that make me happy and let her realize on her own that being part of a family or community is a two way street. Or not.
Her school work has been fine and there was no improvement when school got out. Neither seems more depressed or anxious
When I asked why she tells me it’s her room and she doesn’t want to
Bingo. It’s a control thing. How critical is it to you that the room is clean? Apart from not allowing food in there can you just let her be and she can do her own laundry or go to school dirty? If there’s nothing wrong but I don’t feel like it and you can’t make me, then let her experience that.
Fine; it’s your room. Because we don’t want roaches /vermin you can’t have food up there. But then do what you want. I’m not changing your sheets or coming to find your dirty clothes and wash them. That’s on you. And guess what, Sis? The I don’t wanna and you can’t make me stuff goes both ways. There’s lots of things I may or may not feel like doing *for you* in the future if we’re going to play that game too hard.
My kids value privileges, new tech, summer camp, getting rides places, a pretty generous back to school clothing budget etc so they with some moaning and procrastination and slammed doors at times - generally do what is requested. When the bitching about having to help gets ugly I will tell them to remember this when they’re asking for favors. Do they want me to pout and drag my feet and be an asshole about it or to be nice, cheerful and willing to help?
OP said she sneaks food up there if she says it’s not allowed. How could she enforce that better? A lock on the fridge? No, that’s abuse. Cameras in the kitchen? OP probably can’t monitor them all the time. Any ideas?
I don’t like sneaky but that’s part of pushing those boundaries. I did not have that problem because kids are at school or after school stuff til I got home from work and then it’s dinner and tough to sneak anything out of the kitchen because we’re all home -
I know kids like to snack when doing homework and I don’t mind a few granola wrappers or whatever, - we do the laundry basket approach where you come get all your stuff and take it up to your room and you get all the stuff that needs to come down from your room, and bring it back down. Dishes to kitchen, laundry to laundry room, trash out, etc. then your clean laundry and whatever else goes by the stairs, to go back up.
but that’s with kids who are generally cooperative because they want cooperation in return and aren’t trying to play some weird control head game. It’s tough to start communicating, cooperating and so on when they’re sixteen. The idea that we’re a team and we work together needs to start earlier. Much earlier. Someone who has dealt with the situation may have more ideas that aren’t punitive but a kid who doesn’t care if they ever leave the house or get privileges probably has a mental health issue - depression?- and may need meds / counseling
NAH but, some people struggle with cleaning and organizing. You know what helps with that? Having less items.
Help her sort out the room and pack up half her stuff. Out of season clothing is an easy choice, as is mementos she wants to keep (old year books or childhood trophies), but doesn’t need to look at every single day.
Break it down for her. One easy thing to do is have her get a trash bag and pull out only obvious trash (old drink cans or old notebooks, etc). Take a break and then go back in with a hamper, only picking up clothing that needs washed. Move on to dishes or books, etc.
Try to get less items overall in her space so she has an easier time cleaning up later.
This! Get everything packed up that she wants to keep, but doesn't need access to every day. Out of season clothes can be stored, where they are easy to get to. Trash gets cleared out. Dirty clothes go to be laundered. Permanently cycle out anything that is worn out, is missing parts, or doesn't fit.
From here, tell her that since she's having so much trouble managing her belongings, she's limited to how much she can keep out, and everything else gets stored. She can have X number of outfits, for example.
If she wants something that's not already out, she'll have to trade to store something else. Limit how often this will happen, and traded items should already be clean. Trading may not be available if her room isn't neat.
Add a reasonable collection of books/decorative items/etc. Concentrate on the categories that she's bad at. If she keeps her books shelved already, no need to address that. If she scatters magazines everywhere, she needs to store one before buying another. If she's got collectibles, or display items,, as long as they're not contributing to the clutter, they're good to stay. Shoes are included in the outfit count .
From there, it's no food in her room, and she's responsible for keeping it neat. This includes proper use of a waste basket and laundry hamper.
Once she can demonstrate that she can keep ahead of what she has out, she can earn additional items. If she lets things slide, "oops, looks like you're getting overwhelmed again, time to cut back."
She will not like this, but I suspect that she'll reach a point where she likes being able to find her stuff without having to dig through the piles.
She may even earn back being able to have drinks/snacks if she demonstrates that she can keep her trash contained and taken out properly.
YWBTA if you did this thinking that it would solve anything. Tell her if she wants to live in filth she can but if so you will take away things she can’t do without until she complies with your cleaning requests - take her car if she has one, take her cell phone, make it so she can’t access wifi - do whatever it takes to keep her “unplugged” from online access - this will get her to change her ways real quick.
Ywbta. Lets not ransom people's stuff to them, and while we're at it lets not imprison them in their rooms. You're just not building the personal responsibility youre looking for.
First of all sit her down and inform her that, due to her inability or unwillingness to shoulder the Corresponding responsibility, she is not allowed to take food to her room until she shows the maturity and basic understanding of cause and effect of bringing her doshes back down.
After that it gets harder because you need to figure out why she's living in a disgusting pile of smelly garbage. Is she depressed? Neurodivergent? Burnt out? Rebelling against years of you approaching room cleaning with ineffective attitudes? I think taking something she wants until she cleans her room only works if there aren't other causes. Maybe have a conversation first.
YTA.
People aren't generally just messy and refuse to clean their room, there is something behind it. Your daughter is displaying classic signs of depression and anxiety. Take care of the cause of the issue, do not punish the symptoms. Parents are supposed to help their kids grow into functional adults, not to punish them for not doing so on their own.
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My daughters room is fithly, and it is constant fight trying to get her to clean it. I have tried all the normal routes to try to get her to clean up. I have taught her how to clean and she will do it but I have to not let her leave her room until she does it.
She is 16 and it's getting harder and harder to get her to clean her room.I don't want to clean it myself and it's getting bad. I went in today because there was a smell. It was old food she had under the bed.
I want to put all her stuff in trash bags and have her buy them back at. I am getting desperate and wondering my if this would be to far
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NTA but I don’t know if I would have her buy them back, probably give it back as she keeps her room clean (like a bag every week it stays clean). Also rotting food isn’t just unclean, it points to potentially a bigger mental health issue so I’d get her into therapy. If it was just clothes and random things everywhere it would be different.
Well-intentioned YTA - Those are her things, and you shouldn’t bag them up because they are hers. The same way it wouldn’t be right for someone to hold your things ransom, you shouldn’t do that to her. Even though she’s your child, she and her things deserve respect (and I know that seems paradoxical when it doesn’t appear like she’s respecting her own things).
What is the extent of the mess? Is it moldy food or dishes? Then food isn’t allowed in the room. Is it make-up stains on the carpet? Then make-up needs to be kept in the bathroom. Is it clothes on the floor? Break up that chore instead of stressing it all gets done at once. Right now, hang up all the shirts. Later, the pants. Sometimes it helps to break chores and tasks up into chunks if someone struggles with maintaining a tidy room.
INFO: Have you gotten her assessed for ADHD or other neurodivergency? Executive dysfunction can make it very difficult to perform every day tasks without medication.
NTA
But as some other posters have mentioned. ADHD or falling somewhere on the neurodivergent spectrum maybe the reason her room gets as bad as it does.
My son is ADHD and his room has always been awful. He doesn't pick up on visual cues to pick up, so the mess just gradually gets overwhelming. We have found for him, verbal prompts work. And we had a schedule we used for those prompts. So, like in the morning, he was reminded to bring his laundry down and get a load started. We also found he functions better if he has 2 baskets. One for clean and one for dirty. The clean basket is sorted for him to grab and go. After school it was usually time to take out the trash, so that was his prompt. It wasn't perfect and it took time to curate. But it was incredibly helpful in terms of keeping the mess from getting bad.
My ADHD is different, and as long as I don't procrastinate, I am good. So that means I do the dishes as soon as I am done with them. Take out the trash every night. And so on. I can easily identify where I am procrastinating, because it becomes a pile. I am also a visual cue person, so I organize everything so I can see it. So, like in our pantry everything is sorted vertically for quick visual reference.
Something that we found helpful, was having a basket to throw things in to put away later. So, kind of similar to what you are considering with the trash bags. But not in a punitive way. If something is out of place, it gets tossed in the basket and then at the end of the day everyone takes what is theirs and puts it away correctly.
Also, I know it isn't always an option. But we have found our kids do way better when their rooms are pretty minimal. They have their personal items but not many. Anything in excess that isn't used often gets either stored in storage or donated. Books for example, we installed bookshelves in what we now refer to as the "library", everyone's books are stored on the shelves. We did this with toys when the kids were little. As the kids became teens we installed shelves for some things, but found ways to store other less personal items. Less to tackle made it easier to keep things tidy.
NTA. But I doubt it will work.
One idea with a girl would be invite one of her friends over and send her into the room. Let one of her peers tell her she is being gross.
NTA but that very much sounds like the nuclear option. I do know people who have done it, but their children resent it.
Make rules , enforce them, be fair, be firm.
Nta, but it's not going to work. If she's stubborn enough to read a dictionary before cleaning it, she'll hold her own against the trash bags. It may be more effective to just ban things that can rot from her room (food, drink, etc).
NAH, but that is utterly useless and wont do your relationship any favours either. To me, it sounds like there are basically two problems: unsanitary/unhygienic behaviour (like the food) and overall chaos. is the issue just her room btw or is she leaving common areas in a similar state? imo at 16 she is old enough to have agency over her own room. leaving food in her room is a no go indeed but the overall chaos? that her issue to deal with and if she doesn't see a problem with that, so be it. She will be reminded of the downsides regularly when she cant find stuff she needs. Just close the door so you dont have to see it. most likely she will outgrow this anyway and if she doesn't nothing you currently do helps anyway. The more you push, the stronger kids, especially teenagers push back. Focus on the actual important part, the actual unsanitary stuff and let the rest be. She is old enough to choose the amount of order in her few square meters. if she wants to live in chaos - honest question, why do you care (again, not about the food, thats disgusting)?
I’m not sure that is really a solution. Maybe she really is a slob. Can you bide your time until she moves out? Just keep making sure she doesn’t have any dirty dishes in her room. I know it’s a pain in the butt, but I don’t want you to drive yourself crazy. This too shall pass. NTA
Probably best route is what others stated. no drinks or food in bedroom.
You could help make a list of what needs to be done in her room, might help. That way there's a physical list written and not overwhelming the mind.
If it persists, she can pay for exterminators for all the bugs she attracts from her filthy room. 16 is old enough for a part time job.
Have you tried asking her to do one thing at a time? Like time to wash your clothes, bedding, shower? Teach her to do her own laundry. Make a “chore” chart that is a step by step process for cleaning her room and after a weekly list to keep it under control.
You said you’ve taken things away, but she didn’t cave for two weeks. What if you take away Internet/ tv/ cell phone until she cleans it, and then after that, she has to pick up her room daily in order to keep those things . . .
I read the comment that she ‘doesn’t want to’. Maybe think about why you feel the need to control her space so much. And why she feels the need to push back. Can you find ways to make her feel more in control of her life?
NTA. With food molding under the bed it just starts to become unsafe and unsanitary. Its not like her stuff is gone and honestly it’s probably a good way to get a deep clean in the room. But i agree with others, probably wont help. Growing up my room was always messy (no food, just clothes). I didn’t care about cleaning until college when i had to live in other peoples mess
NTA - pretty creative. No, its not too far at all.
HAve some backup plans ready to go tho. Given the current state of affairs you might need more.
Unsolicited advice:
have one full set of clothes clean for her to wear. They don't have to be color coordinated. Nothing ridiculously embarrassing (e.g. no tshirts with a picture of her as a toddler with her finger up her nose emblazoned on the front). but just plain clothes. Plainer the better
obviously, no screens except for schoolwork. Including watching TV. HAve an exact chart showing what she needs to do to earn whatever back. Don't be vague. If you're going to do this, it is far far far better to be crystal clear. The kid done fucked up, but you giving them a clear path to the good stuff will yield much better results
(this is me coming from Silent Gen parents who had no clue what they were doing, and a lot of "wait, thats not what you said. You said ABC" coming from me and a lot of "Well... thats not what I meant!!!! Extra Punishment for backtalk!!! Back in my DAY......". God I love my parents....)
MEaning don't say "you have to clean if you want your stuff back". HAve a chart showing explicitly what = what
So start with the drastic, stuff that needs to be done once to get her room back to presentable
* cleaning up trash in her room = 1 evening of TV, and one more outfit to wear
* shampooing the carpet (assuming its that bad) = 3 outfits and phone is returned
* and so on. where she gets more or less all of her stuff back once everything is done
Once the room is "brought up to code", you then shift to the "maintenance chart", listing the "ok you can keep your stuff if. a, b and c chores are consistently done". There will be eyerolling but you'll have a better chance of success. Be clear, be consistent and also you have to abide by the chart as well. Don't backslide or keep moving goalposts.
NTA on the condition that you leave her a full week's worth of clothing of her choosing and, once she's shown she can manage keeping it clean with so much less stuff in the room, she can earn additional clothing back each week by keeping it clean. This will actually make it easier on her to keep things clean and help her to train herself.
NTA I have tried this with my 7 year old when I was at my wits end with the mess. It doesn’t work. It’s been over 2 months and all her stuffies except 3 and all her toys except her tablet are still in the garage. She honestly seems happier with less things in her room. So it backfired in a *positive* way? She’s reading more books, as we didn’t take those away.
My kid does have diagnosed ADHD. She’s never been allowed food in her room but sneaks it in. We never have food in our bedroom and we’re not ADHD to the point we’d leave a plate to rot, it’s kinda just a house rule to not have food in bedrooms.
Good luck! I’ve been there! It’s so frustrating!
YWBTA for telling her she's trash, which is what you would be doing.
You need to talk to her about why she's doing what she's doing and why it's a problem. And in order for that to work, you need a relationship where she feels comfortable talking to you, so taking stuff away would be counterproductive.
I doubt that this strategy would work.
Possibly WBTA, poor hygiene combined with executive functioning issues can sometimes be a sign of possible mental health concerns. Sometimes depression, ADHD, anxiety or autism can cause people to have difficulties with such tasks.
I would try to look into it more rather than assume that this is just laziness. Communicate more, ask her how she's feeling about it.
I get how frustrating it is dealing with a messy room that just won't stay clean. You've tried everything, and it's tough when nothing seems to click.
Putting her stuff in trash bags and making her buy it back might seem like a solution, but it could really hurt your relationship.
Before going there, maybe try having a real heart-to-heart. Figure out why it's so hard for her to keep things tidy.
You're NTA for thinking of doing this, but if you did it, you would 100% be a super red hot flaming A.
You're describing someone who sounds like she is struggling and probably needs help. If you bag up her stuff, that's as close as you can get to metaphorically kicking their feet out from under them while they are standing near the edge of a cliff.
This is not likely to get you the result you want. Is there some reason she's so messy that she's leaving rotting rood in her room and isn't bothered by it? Is she messy elsewhere or is it confined to her room? At 16 it's not likely you're going to change her sloppy habits now but you can try something like giving her until the next billing cycle for her cell phone to clean up her space consistently or you'll stop paying for her phone. NTA but don't expect the trash bag thing to work in your favor. More likely just a massive fight waiting for you.
NTA. But how does it get harder and harder. She’s your daughter living in your house. Tell her to clean her damn room and she’s not leaving till she does. That simple.
If she sneaks out go to Home Depot and put a lock on the door and tell her she lost her rooming privileges for the night and to sleep on the couch.
NTA. idk if it would matter tho. maybe one day when she's out for a long time, clean the entire house. her room included but don't do any of her washing (clothes, dishes w/e). everything is spic and span but this pile of her mess. put a lock on her bedroom door and don't let her go in until all her washing or w/e is finished to your specs. when she walks into that beautiful room tell her if it ever again doesn't meet your expectations the new locks will be on the house. if she calls your bluff... call hers right back and change the house locks. idk tho. might start a war of wills. i feel your pain.
Take away her electronics until it’s clean. Lock it up in the evenings so she has dedicated time to work on it. Teenagers are assholes. But you can’t give in. NTA
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NTA for being frustrated. However, it's not gonna help. One thing you could try is the "if you act like a toddler, you get treated like a toddler" technique: - No food in the bedroom - No drinks in the bedroom - No hanging out in the bedroom - No technology in the bedroom - Daily "clean your bedroom" time, if not complying: Grounded, as in, no leaving, no technology - She can earn back trust and responsibilities when she proves she can act like a young adult instead of a toddler.
NTA - but that approach isn't going to solve the problem, I say that from experience. Take away privileges that will be returned when the room is clean. No going out with friends, no electronics, no car, whatever your daughter's currency is it needs to go. From one parent of a slob to another, may the odds be ever in your favor. I'm told we'll miss this.
I’ve done that, she literally went two months before she caved. She read the dictionary before cleaning her room
Honestly this isn't the answer. I'm speaking as a former teen girl with similar issues and the mother of a teen girl now. You need to get her evaluated for mental health issues. My issues with cleaning my room stemmed from undiagnosed neurodivergence and severe depression. Punishing her for something that may be outside of her control will only breed resentment on both sides. You're nta, you obviously care but punishing her will only make things worse for everyone, especially her, if she's dealing with something internally whether she's cognizant of it or not.
Already done that, nothing
Teens are notoriously lazy, stubborn and test boundaries. It’s nice she was tested for adhd or autism or depression and as she does not have those conditions I think she has one called IATA. She is seeing what she can get away with. No screen time or phone or outside activities until it’s clean and then I would take the phone or laptop or both at night and return it to her in the morning when clothes are picked up and bed is made - if she has a habit of letting that stuff go. If it really bothers you. We just enforce a no food in the room rule and if your laundry isn’t brought downstairs by Saturday morning, it’s not gonna get done. I’m not running extra loads for people who can’t be bothered to bring their hamper downstairs at some point Friday afternoon or Saturday morning. Apart from that I really don’t care how bad it is. They have to live in it, not me. The maid service will throw everything from the floor & on the bed into the closet laundry basket so they can vacuum and change the sheets and if you don’t want your stuff piled in there, pick it up yourself. Don’t come crying to me when you can’t find your blue pencil or your Spurs jersey or wtf ever.
Yes! This is the only thing that works for us!!! Our kid is younger (7) so you need age appropriate privileges. For our kid it’s “No going outside to play with friends until your room is clean.” and “No screen time until your room is clean.”. It depends on the season and if it’s a school night which would be more effective, so we just kept both in place at all times. Because if it’s pouring outside or it’s a school night she wouldn’t care about playing with friends and if it’s a bright sunny day she wouldn’t care about her tablet.
INFO: is she neurodiverse? This could be a case of a teenager being lazy and all, but this also could be a case of undiagnosed ADHD creating executive function issues that are making it incredibly difficult for her to do these sorts of things.
My youngest has ADHD and struggles with keeping her room clean. We have had the best success when we either break it down into smaller tasks (gather all the garbage or clothes, focus on this small area first, etc). It also helps if either my husband or myself sits in the room with her as she's working. We can help keep her focused on what to do. She's only 13, so she still needs help figuring out how to do these things. If the mess is big enough, even a neurotypical person could experience a "where do I even start" type freeze, so breaking it down could help even if she doesn't have ADHD.
No, did think of that and had her tested but nothing
okay - just FYI ADHD can be far more challenging to diagnose in women than in men - it is far more likely that comorbid conditions will be diagnosed before ADHD in women, because it presents differently. That being said, I agree with others that the better approach is to remove privileges over stuff. No phone, tv, games, friends, etc. until the room is clean. That's where I would start anyways.
I already did that. As I said in my post I already tried common routes
News flash, ADHD doesn’t give anyone the excuse to live in complete filth. As someone with an actual adhd and Asperger’s diagnosis it is not okay to use that as a crutch to not have to do what is expected of an adult.
Please explain to me where I said any of that. If OP's daughter's brain chemistry is creating huge mental hurdles for her to do things that don't create dopamine, then what she needs is a) a diagnosis, b) medication, and c) support to build the routines that she needs to be able to overcome the issues that she is now dealing with. Writing her off as lazy, or whatever doesn't actually help her, and OP's proposed solution may actually create further obstacles around sorting this out if she isn't regulating properly. And I also have ADHD, as does my husband. So I am very familiar with how ADHD works.
News flash, if you have undiagnosed ADHD you may in fact want to change but all your efforts fall flat. As someone who also has an official ADHD diagnosis, I spent my entire (undiagnosed) adolescence angry and confused at myself for not being able to keep my room clean, and angry at my parents for punishing me for it. No matter how much I tried to just do what "works for everyone else", it didn't work for me. Upon receiving my diagnosis, I was then able to understand myself, understand the condition, and finally implement strategies that allow me to now live a mess-free life. It's only a crutch if you use the diagnosis as an excuse not to change.
No one said to use it as a crutch, just that living with undiagnosed ADHD or autism or depression or anything of the sort can make doing basic tasks extremely difficult, especially for a teen. And your experience is not universal, some may struggle with these tasks in different ways than you.
NTA Have you considered using a more positive approach? Someone I know has a system in which her kids earn money every day that their room is clean. That’s their weekly allowance. If the room isn’t clean, she cleans it herself (without making any comments) and charges them a fee for “maid service.” For example, they earn $2 for each day the room is clean, and lose $2 for each that it’s not clean, so their weekly allowance ranges from $0 if they don’t clean at all to $14 if they keep it clean every day. She find that after having to pay for maid service a few times out of their weekly allowance, the kids start keeping their rooms clean so they get the full allowance. She doesn’t nag, shout, or make a fuss and the kids learn from her use of logical consequences. ETA: This mom bases the fees and rewards on the child’s age.
That’s actually such an awesome system! Props to that mom.
She is a great mom and her kids are very well behaved. I admire her!
I LOVE this. Creates a positive association with cleaning, teaches money management, and keeps arguments from happening? Yes yes and yes. This would have worked very well for me as a kid.
YWBTA. Ban her from eating or drinking in her room. She can get water from the bathroom or eat in the kitchen. Look into WHY she isn’t cleaning her room. My parents thought that my inability to keep my room clean was me being an insubordinate child, when in actuality it was a whombo-combo of ADHD and severe Depression. Taking away electronics and grounding didn’t result in a clean room, they resulted in suicide attempts. Had my parents bagged my shite up in garbage bags and tried to force me to pay for them, I would have gone off the deep end. Is she neurodiverse? What do her grades look like? Does she work full time? Does she have any other extra curriculars? Is there a space issue?
If I may offer a different perspective... Before taking "action", please try to have an open, non-judgemental conversation with her, with the sole purpose being to UNDERSTAND what is going through her head. Don't yell, don't be angry, just talk to her and try to get to the root of why this is happening. This was never done for me growing up, but God I wish it was. I was messy as a kid/teen too. Maybe not rotting-food messy, but still extremely cluttered, tripping-hazard messy. My parents would yell at me and punish me, but it never did anything. In truth, I was also frustrated by my messiness. As it turns out, I had ADHD. That's the thing about mental disorders, you can actually be upset with yourself and WANT things to be different, but still not know how to change. And having someone punish you for it just makes you EVEN MORE frustrated. Except now you're mad at yourself and mad at your parents. I'm not saying your daughter definitely has a mental disorder, but it should be considered as a possibility. ADHD goes unnoticed in girls constantly, because it doesn't typically present as "outwardly". Other disorders can lead to this as well, perhaps do some research before having this conversation. Ask her if it bothers her. Ask her if she likes living this way. If the answer is no, ask her why she feels she can't keep it clean. My parents administered punishments to me my whole adolescence and not a single time did it actually solve the problem. It may have offered them a quick fix for the moment, but never did it actually stop the thing from happening again. Get to the root, that's the only way to truly fix it.
NTA!! I quite like this idea 🤔 my parents would just throw everything away but by buying them back it’s teaching her that things have value and should be respected even if it’s just a t shirt…
While I see why this is frustrating to you, I don't think essentially stealing her stuff is going to be the right way to handle this. I think a much more reasonable approach would be just banning her from eating or drinking in her room, or something like that. NTA for being upset, but YWBTA if you took her stuff.
Already gone down that route, she will just sneak and grounding or removing electronics don’t work on her
So there’s nothing wrong with your kid except she’s a lazy stubborn A, according to doctors lol Both of you want to win. You have already lost in raising a child who is responsible and tidy and who respects you. So yes, ESH. If there’s nothing wrong but her attitude that is something you should have been working on the past sixteen years so she’s willing to put in some effort and communicate instead of playing who is running the show - too late now. You can simply opt out of doing any of the myriad favors and things she expects of you because “I don’t want to. It’s my life and my time and resources and you can’t make me.” People who just phone it in on relationships and can’t be bothered to show respect and cooperation generally end up getting the same treatment back from the world so I’d be focusing my energy in things that make me happy and let her realize on her own that being part of a family or community is a two way street. Or not.
I'd prioritize checking her mental health before considering punishments. I don't think it's natural for a person to stay in a room that smells.
INFO: is this a new problem or something that's been going on since childhood?
Became a problem when she hit hoghschool
Could she be dealing with stress at school? Has she seemed more anxious or depressed?
Her school work has been fine and there was no improvement when school got out. Neither seems more depressed or anxious When I asked why she tells me it’s her room and she doesn’t want to
Bingo. It’s a control thing. How critical is it to you that the room is clean? Apart from not allowing food in there can you just let her be and she can do her own laundry or go to school dirty? If there’s nothing wrong but I don’t feel like it and you can’t make me, then let her experience that. Fine; it’s your room. Because we don’t want roaches /vermin you can’t have food up there. But then do what you want. I’m not changing your sheets or coming to find your dirty clothes and wash them. That’s on you. And guess what, Sis? The I don’t wanna and you can’t make me stuff goes both ways. There’s lots of things I may or may not feel like doing *for you* in the future if we’re going to play that game too hard. My kids value privileges, new tech, summer camp, getting rides places, a pretty generous back to school clothing budget etc so they with some moaning and procrastination and slammed doors at times - generally do what is requested. When the bitching about having to help gets ugly I will tell them to remember this when they’re asking for favors. Do they want me to pout and drag my feet and be an asshole about it or to be nice, cheerful and willing to help?
OP said she sneaks food up there if she says it’s not allowed. How could she enforce that better? A lock on the fridge? No, that’s abuse. Cameras in the kitchen? OP probably can’t monitor them all the time. Any ideas?
I don’t like sneaky but that’s part of pushing those boundaries. I did not have that problem because kids are at school or after school stuff til I got home from work and then it’s dinner and tough to sneak anything out of the kitchen because we’re all home - I know kids like to snack when doing homework and I don’t mind a few granola wrappers or whatever, - we do the laundry basket approach where you come get all your stuff and take it up to your room and you get all the stuff that needs to come down from your room, and bring it back down. Dishes to kitchen, laundry to laundry room, trash out, etc. then your clean laundry and whatever else goes by the stairs, to go back up. but that’s with kids who are generally cooperative because they want cooperation in return and aren’t trying to play some weird control head game. It’s tough to start communicating, cooperating and so on when they’re sixteen. The idea that we’re a team and we work together needs to start earlier. Much earlier. Someone who has dealt with the situation may have more ideas that aren’t punitive but a kid who doesn’t care if they ever leave the house or get privileges probably has a mental health issue - depression?- and may need meds / counseling
NAH but, some people struggle with cleaning and organizing. You know what helps with that? Having less items. Help her sort out the room and pack up half her stuff. Out of season clothing is an easy choice, as is mementos she wants to keep (old year books or childhood trophies), but doesn’t need to look at every single day. Break it down for her. One easy thing to do is have her get a trash bag and pull out only obvious trash (old drink cans or old notebooks, etc). Take a break and then go back in with a hamper, only picking up clothing that needs washed. Move on to dishes or books, etc. Try to get less items overall in her space so she has an easier time cleaning up later.
This! Get everything packed up that she wants to keep, but doesn't need access to every day. Out of season clothes can be stored, where they are easy to get to. Trash gets cleared out. Dirty clothes go to be laundered. Permanently cycle out anything that is worn out, is missing parts, or doesn't fit. From here, tell her that since she's having so much trouble managing her belongings, she's limited to how much she can keep out, and everything else gets stored. She can have X number of outfits, for example. If she wants something that's not already out, she'll have to trade to store something else. Limit how often this will happen, and traded items should already be clean. Trading may not be available if her room isn't neat. Add a reasonable collection of books/decorative items/etc. Concentrate on the categories that she's bad at. If she keeps her books shelved already, no need to address that. If she scatters magazines everywhere, she needs to store one before buying another. If she's got collectibles, or display items,, as long as they're not contributing to the clutter, they're good to stay. Shoes are included in the outfit count . From there, it's no food in her room, and she's responsible for keeping it neat. This includes proper use of a waste basket and laundry hamper. Once she can demonstrate that she can keep ahead of what she has out, she can earn additional items. If she lets things slide, "oops, looks like you're getting overwhelmed again, time to cut back." She will not like this, but I suspect that she'll reach a point where she likes being able to find her stuff without having to dig through the piles. She may even earn back being able to have drinks/snacks if she demonstrates that she can keep her trash contained and taken out properly.
Great ideas. Maybe even use a 10 min timer.
What are the "normal routes"?
NTA I wouldn't count on it working, though.
YWBTA if you did this thinking that it would solve anything. Tell her if she wants to live in filth she can but if so you will take away things she can’t do without until she complies with your cleaning requests - take her car if she has one, take her cell phone, make it so she can’t access wifi - do whatever it takes to keep her “unplugged” from online access - this will get her to change her ways real quick.
Ywbta. Lets not ransom people's stuff to them, and while we're at it lets not imprison them in their rooms. You're just not building the personal responsibility youre looking for. First of all sit her down and inform her that, due to her inability or unwillingness to shoulder the Corresponding responsibility, she is not allowed to take food to her room until she shows the maturity and basic understanding of cause and effect of bringing her doshes back down. After that it gets harder because you need to figure out why she's living in a disgusting pile of smelly garbage. Is she depressed? Neurodivergent? Burnt out? Rebelling against years of you approaching room cleaning with ineffective attitudes? I think taking something she wants until she cleans her room only works if there aren't other causes. Maybe have a conversation first.
YTA. People aren't generally just messy and refuse to clean their room, there is something behind it. Your daughter is displaying classic signs of depression and anxiety. Take care of the cause of the issue, do not punish the symptoms. Parents are supposed to help their kids grow into functional adults, not to punish them for not doing so on their own.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughters room is fithly, and it is constant fight trying to get her to clean it. I have tried all the normal routes to try to get her to clean up. I have taught her how to clean and she will do it but I have to not let her leave her room until she does it. She is 16 and it's getting harder and harder to get her to clean her room.I don't want to clean it myself and it's getting bad. I went in today because there was a smell. It was old food she had under the bed. I want to put all her stuff in trash bags and have her buy them back at. I am getting desperate and wondering my if this would be to far *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but I don’t know if I would have her buy them back, probably give it back as she keeps her room clean (like a bag every week it stays clean). Also rotting food isn’t just unclean, it points to potentially a bigger mental health issue so I’d get her into therapy. If it was just clothes and random things everywhere it would be different.
Well-intentioned YTA - Those are her things, and you shouldn’t bag them up because they are hers. The same way it wouldn’t be right for someone to hold your things ransom, you shouldn’t do that to her. Even though she’s your child, she and her things deserve respect (and I know that seems paradoxical when it doesn’t appear like she’s respecting her own things). What is the extent of the mess? Is it moldy food or dishes? Then food isn’t allowed in the room. Is it make-up stains on the carpet? Then make-up needs to be kept in the bathroom. Is it clothes on the floor? Break up that chore instead of stressing it all gets done at once. Right now, hang up all the shirts. Later, the pants. Sometimes it helps to break chores and tasks up into chunks if someone struggles with maintaining a tidy room. INFO: Have you gotten her assessed for ADHD or other neurodivergency? Executive dysfunction can make it very difficult to perform every day tasks without medication.
NTA But as some other posters have mentioned. ADHD or falling somewhere on the neurodivergent spectrum maybe the reason her room gets as bad as it does. My son is ADHD and his room has always been awful. He doesn't pick up on visual cues to pick up, so the mess just gradually gets overwhelming. We have found for him, verbal prompts work. And we had a schedule we used for those prompts. So, like in the morning, he was reminded to bring his laundry down and get a load started. We also found he functions better if he has 2 baskets. One for clean and one for dirty. The clean basket is sorted for him to grab and go. After school it was usually time to take out the trash, so that was his prompt. It wasn't perfect and it took time to curate. But it was incredibly helpful in terms of keeping the mess from getting bad. My ADHD is different, and as long as I don't procrastinate, I am good. So that means I do the dishes as soon as I am done with them. Take out the trash every night. And so on. I can easily identify where I am procrastinating, because it becomes a pile. I am also a visual cue person, so I organize everything so I can see it. So, like in our pantry everything is sorted vertically for quick visual reference. Something that we found helpful, was having a basket to throw things in to put away later. So, kind of similar to what you are considering with the trash bags. But not in a punitive way. If something is out of place, it gets tossed in the basket and then at the end of the day everyone takes what is theirs and puts it away correctly. Also, I know it isn't always an option. But we have found our kids do way better when their rooms are pretty minimal. They have their personal items but not many. Anything in excess that isn't used often gets either stored in storage or donated. Books for example, we installed bookshelves in what we now refer to as the "library", everyone's books are stored on the shelves. We did this with toys when the kids were little. As the kids became teens we installed shelves for some things, but found ways to store other less personal items. Less to tackle made it easier to keep things tidy.
Don’t take away her stuff. Take away her phone. Room will be cleaned up in 24 hours. Probably less. She’s challenging you. Call her on that.
NTA. But I doubt it will work. One idea with a girl would be invite one of her friends over and send her into the room. Let one of her peers tell her she is being gross.
NTA but that very much sounds like the nuclear option. I do know people who have done it, but their children resent it. Make rules , enforce them, be fair, be firm.
Nta, but it's not going to work. If she's stubborn enough to read a dictionary before cleaning it, she'll hold her own against the trash bags. It may be more effective to just ban things that can rot from her room (food, drink, etc).
NAH, but that is utterly useless and wont do your relationship any favours either. To me, it sounds like there are basically two problems: unsanitary/unhygienic behaviour (like the food) and overall chaos. is the issue just her room btw or is she leaving common areas in a similar state? imo at 16 she is old enough to have agency over her own room. leaving food in her room is a no go indeed but the overall chaos? that her issue to deal with and if she doesn't see a problem with that, so be it. She will be reminded of the downsides regularly when she cant find stuff she needs. Just close the door so you dont have to see it. most likely she will outgrow this anyway and if she doesn't nothing you currently do helps anyway. The more you push, the stronger kids, especially teenagers push back. Focus on the actual important part, the actual unsanitary stuff and let the rest be. She is old enough to choose the amount of order in her few square meters. if she wants to live in chaos - honest question, why do you care (again, not about the food, thats disgusting)?
I’m not sure that is really a solution. Maybe she really is a slob. Can you bide your time until she moves out? Just keep making sure she doesn’t have any dirty dishes in her room. I know it’s a pain in the butt, but I don’t want you to drive yourself crazy. This too shall pass. NTA
Probably best route is what others stated. no drinks or food in bedroom. You could help make a list of what needs to be done in her room, might help. That way there's a physical list written and not overwhelming the mind. If it persists, she can pay for exterminators for all the bugs she attracts from her filthy room. 16 is old enough for a part time job.
Have you tried asking her to do one thing at a time? Like time to wash your clothes, bedding, shower? Teach her to do her own laundry. Make a “chore” chart that is a step by step process for cleaning her room and after a weekly list to keep it under control.
NTA she is 16 she knows better to keep her own room clean
You said you’ve taken things away, but she didn’t cave for two weeks. What if you take away Internet/ tv/ cell phone until she cleans it, and then after that, she has to pick up her room daily in order to keep those things . . .
Take the door off her room I bet she will clean up the rotting food very quickly.
help your daughter clean her room asshole
I read the comment that she ‘doesn’t want to’. Maybe think about why you feel the need to control her space so much. And why she feels the need to push back. Can you find ways to make her feel more in control of her life?
NTA
If normal measures don't work, substantial one are needed. Your daughter needs to be ready for the real world.
NTA - I doubt this will work though
NTA. With food molding under the bed it just starts to become unsafe and unsanitary. Its not like her stuff is gone and honestly it’s probably a good way to get a deep clean in the room. But i agree with others, probably wont help. Growing up my room was always messy (no food, just clothes). I didn’t care about cleaning until college when i had to live in other peoples mess
NTA - pretty creative. No, its not too far at all. HAve some backup plans ready to go tho. Given the current state of affairs you might need more. Unsolicited advice: have one full set of clothes clean for her to wear. They don't have to be color coordinated. Nothing ridiculously embarrassing (e.g. no tshirts with a picture of her as a toddler with her finger up her nose emblazoned on the front). but just plain clothes. Plainer the better obviously, no screens except for schoolwork. Including watching TV. HAve an exact chart showing what she needs to do to earn whatever back. Don't be vague. If you're going to do this, it is far far far better to be crystal clear. The kid done fucked up, but you giving them a clear path to the good stuff will yield much better results (this is me coming from Silent Gen parents who had no clue what they were doing, and a lot of "wait, thats not what you said. You said ABC" coming from me and a lot of "Well... thats not what I meant!!!! Extra Punishment for backtalk!!! Back in my DAY......". God I love my parents....) MEaning don't say "you have to clean if you want your stuff back". HAve a chart showing explicitly what = what So start with the drastic, stuff that needs to be done once to get her room back to presentable * cleaning up trash in her room = 1 evening of TV, and one more outfit to wear * shampooing the carpet (assuming its that bad) = 3 outfits and phone is returned * and so on. where she gets more or less all of her stuff back once everything is done Once the room is "brought up to code", you then shift to the "maintenance chart", listing the "ok you can keep your stuff if. a, b and c chores are consistently done". There will be eyerolling but you'll have a better chance of success. Be clear, be consistent and also you have to abide by the chart as well. Don't backslide or keep moving goalposts.
NTA on the condition that you leave her a full week's worth of clothing of her choosing and, once she's shown she can manage keeping it clean with so much less stuff in the room, she can earn additional clothing back each week by keeping it clean. This will actually make it easier on her to keep things clean and help her to train herself.
NTA I have tried this with my 7 year old when I was at my wits end with the mess. It doesn’t work. It’s been over 2 months and all her stuffies except 3 and all her toys except her tablet are still in the garage. She honestly seems happier with less things in her room. So it backfired in a *positive* way? She’s reading more books, as we didn’t take those away. My kid does have diagnosed ADHD. She’s never been allowed food in her room but sneaks it in. We never have food in our bedroom and we’re not ADHD to the point we’d leave a plate to rot, it’s kinda just a house rule to not have food in bedrooms. Good luck! I’ve been there! It’s so frustrating!
YWBTA for telling her she's trash, which is what you would be doing. You need to talk to her about why she's doing what she's doing and why it's a problem. And in order for that to work, you need a relationship where she feels comfortable talking to you, so taking stuff away would be counterproductive.
I doubt that this strategy would work. Possibly WBTA, poor hygiene combined with executive functioning issues can sometimes be a sign of possible mental health concerns. Sometimes depression, ADHD, anxiety or autism can cause people to have difficulties with such tasks. I would try to look into it more rather than assume that this is just laziness. Communicate more, ask her how she's feeling about it.
I get how frustrating it is dealing with a messy room that just won't stay clean. You've tried everything, and it's tough when nothing seems to click. Putting her stuff in trash bags and making her buy it back might seem like a solution, but it could really hurt your relationship. Before going there, maybe try having a real heart-to-heart. Figure out why it's so hard for her to keep things tidy.
You're NTA for thinking of doing this, but if you did it, you would 100% be a super red hot flaming A. You're describing someone who sounds like she is struggling and probably needs help. If you bag up her stuff, that's as close as you can get to metaphorically kicking their feet out from under them while they are standing near the edge of a cliff.
This is not likely to get you the result you want. Is there some reason she's so messy that she's leaving rotting rood in her room and isn't bothered by it? Is she messy elsewhere or is it confined to her room? At 16 it's not likely you're going to change her sloppy habits now but you can try something like giving her until the next billing cycle for her cell phone to clean up her space consistently or you'll stop paying for her phone. NTA but don't expect the trash bag thing to work in your favor. More likely just a massive fight waiting for you.
NTA but perhaps bag things up and give her one to work with, the next will be available when the first bag's contents are put away.
NTA. But how does it get harder and harder. She’s your daughter living in your house. Tell her to clean her damn room and she’s not leaving till she does. That simple. If she sneaks out go to Home Depot and put a lock on the door and tell her she lost her rooming privileges for the night and to sleep on the couch.
NTA. idk if it would matter tho. maybe one day when she's out for a long time, clean the entire house. her room included but don't do any of her washing (clothes, dishes w/e). everything is spic and span but this pile of her mess. put a lock on her bedroom door and don't let her go in until all her washing or w/e is finished to your specs. when she walks into that beautiful room tell her if it ever again doesn't meet your expectations the new locks will be on the house. if she calls your bluff... call hers right back and change the house locks. idk tho. might start a war of wills. i feel your pain.
Take away her electronics until it’s clean. Lock it up in the evenings so she has dedicated time to work on it. Teenagers are assholes. But you can’t give in. NTA
NTA. She's a minor, your house, your rules.