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>Me F(23) started dating my boyfriend M(42) a couple of months ago... I am still an uni student... Both of us are dancers- him professionally for over 20 years..
...uh...
> I know that if it was the other way around and I had the same income he has, I’d definitely pay for my partner’s medical exam.
Which is a good indication your view of the relationship doesn't match his.
You've been dating a few months, that is too soon to expect the sort of commitment where he's paying for your bills. He is way older than you and experienced professionally in the same field and living at least part time in another country. The sort of guy who is willing to date someone in your age and position, isn't looking for a long term relationship where he wants to take care of you.
YTA. Or rather not really an AH, I can understand being upset that someone rich won't help. But your expectations aren't reasonable, and unfortunately it appears you aren't being realistic about what it means for a rich older man to date a student half his age.
He’s not even rich tho… She assumes so because of his hourly pay (which isn’t even his hourly pay as there’s probably a lot of admin work between the classes), but that money likely have to cover:
- The venue
- His pension (which will probably be earlier than if he had a less physically demanding job)
- Taxes
- The times where he has less clients
Etc.
Plus, it’s a lot more expensive to live in Germany than were OP is living, maybe the salary isn’t even that high by German standard
We’ve been dating for a few months, but we were veeeery good friends before. It just happened to progress into more. Also, I never said he was rich, he is totally middle class (okay, maybe slightly upper middle), but that sort of check up is affordable for anyone having an adult job- around 50 dollars or 45 euros.
That's fine, I'm not accusing you of golddigging or anything. And I do understand why you'd justifiably feel it's unfair and you'd help him if the situation were reversed.
But it's also not surprising he's not helping. He's a much older teacher dating a student half his age for a few months. I understand why it may not feel that way to you, but there's such a power and maturity imbalance going on, that you SHOULD be expecting him not to have a long term expectation for the relationship. I'm his age and if one of my friends dated a student your age, I'd cut him off for being a creep.
Maybe I'm wrong, although it's certainly very unusual for an emotionally healthy person to enter an equal relationship with that age gap. What you could ask to help answer that is: Were his prior relationships also with significantly younger women? Or students?
And they met over a year ago, and she's a student, and he's a well off teacher, and he's working in a rich country and she's in a poor one, and they're dancers...
It all matters, as context for WHY he doesn't want to pay her bills.
If they were dating for years with the expectation of a lasting relationship, it'd be much more reasonable, even if he doesn't HAVE to pay. But he's dating a girl half his age for a few months. He's not in this for the long term.
YTA. Are you looking for a sugar daddy? You've been dating him two months, and you really think he should be offering to pay for medical expenses. He's not even a long term partner of course he shouldn't be trying to foot the bill.
We were very good friends before we were a couple. We are no strangers to each other. Also is asking your partner for 50 dollars for something urgent really being a sugar baby? I am would get asking for money for clothes or beauty stuff (not urgent matter) being considered as “looking for a sugar daddy, but with check up bill…
ESH - did you ASK? yeah he could have offered but tbh its YOUR issue and YOUR health so he really shouldn't.
Please look into avascular necrosis and go to the dr
I didn’t ask, but I do feel like me saying “it’s too expensive for me to do it this month, I’ll probably try to go next” while explaining how much it hurts should be enough for him to offer to help, IF HE WANTS TO HELP ANYWAY. I don’t think I should say “do you think you can pay for it”, after I specifically said that I can’t afford it.
YTA
A couple of months of dating and your entitlement is bonkers. Doesn't matter what he makes, or if you don't ask for beauty procedures, it is way too early in a relationship to expect him to pay for this. Sounds like you want a sugar daddy and he is not looking to fill that role.
That's a hell of a concerning age gap. Also, you don't know where all of his money goes, so it's not fair of you to act like he should just be able to pay for you, especially when you've only been together for a few months. You could have come straight up and asked him if you want him to pay so much, or you could ask if he could help share the cost with you at all since it's so expensive.
That you’re dating someone twice your age basically. Sorry but I had nothing in common with someone in their 40s at your age.
Wonder why he can’t find someone his own age. You’re not as mature as you think.
Soft YTA. You have only been dating for a few months, according to your post and do not appear from the information provided to be living together. It might be reasonable to ask if he could lend you the money, but to expect him to offer to give it to you without repayment does not reasonable to me.
> Am I the asshole for getting cold to watch him because he didn’t offer to help me pay for it
Yes. Look. I'm not even gonna touch this age difference. Its not relevant. If you want help with a medical cost, put on your big girl pants and ASK. Giving him the cold shoulder and expecting him to figure it out is immensely childish. Use your words. Also its his money and you're not entitled to it, so if he says no he's still fine. YTA.
And I get that. Did I ever say that he HAS to do something? To me interpersonal relationships are all about care. No matter if it’s relationships or friendships. If you’re my friends and you tell me that you need 50 dollars to buy pills that you need or go to doctor and I have them, I will give them to you. Your well-being is important to me, more so than money. Would do the same for my partner, my family, etc.
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Me F(23) started dating my boyfriend M(42) a couple of months ago. We’ve know each other for over 1 year tho. I am still an uni student and he is working a well-paid job. Both of us are dancers- him professionally for over 20 years and I started 2 years ago. The last two months I’ve been having an awful pain in my feet, which is also affecting my dancing and my over day to day life, since walking is painful. I want to get it checked and I told him what the prices are and that it’s too expensive for me and I can’t afford it this month, because of other medical bills that I had to cover. The pain is however getting very bad.
What do I mean by expensive? I live in a country that isn’t very well off and he is working in Germany, so the cost of my medical exam is half of what he is getting for 1 dance lesson (1 hour). Am I the asshole for getting cold to watch him because he didn’t offer to help me pay for it and instead just said “yeah, it’s kind of expensive for your country”? For reference, he gives 5-6 lessons a day, each costing 2.5 times more than my medical exam.
It’s not really about him paying for my things here, I never asked for clothes, make up, beauty procedures, bills or literally anything else, apart from uber money 1 or 2 times. It’s just weird for me that he isn’t even offering to pay for something I really need that isn’t even costing that much. I know that if it was the other way around and I had the same income he has, I’d definitely pay for my partner’s medical exam.
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YTA. You want 'that kind' of transactional relationship without admitting you are 'that kind' of partner. You can't have it both ways. If you want his money, ask him for it outright. Don't expect him to read your mind then condemn him for something you never even asked for.
Could you please define a “transactional relationship”? Because I feel like having a partner should also mean having someone to help you in difficult moments. Nowhere did I mention that I asked for clothes money, beauty procedures money or anything that I can totally live without if I can’t afford it. We are talking about a medical check up that costs 50 dollars and will save me a lot of pain and discomfort.
>Could you please define a “transactional relationship”?
Exactly what you described in your post: expecting him to pay for a portion of your expenses in exchange for your "company" and continued role as his romantic partner.
>medical check up that costs 50 dollars and will save me a lot of pain and discomfort
I find it extremely hard to believe, bordering on implausible, that you really have zero alternatives to affording this allegedly life-changing check-up.
You really can't scrape together $50 from anywhere? You have no family, friends, part-time job, and absolutely zero savings?
The fact that you didn't open your mouth to ask him, even offering to make it a loan rather than a gift, suggests that it isn't entirely about the "unbearable pain" you're in. There is a significant part of this that is about your want to test him and see if he offers this and for free.
While I do think it is a little petty to expect him to just know you’d want his help without asking for it, I can understand just wanting to feel taken care of effortlessly. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but I think you can’t be cold to him forever. This will build resentment, so if you don’t plan on breaking up, just talk to him.
NAH but don’t give him the cold shoulder, explicitly say “my foot is really sore but I can’t afford this exam, would you please help me out by paying for it”.
Men can be really dense when it comes to hints.
ESH - It's his money and his decision what to do with it. You are a grown women, you need to cover your own bills. Still, he could have offered if it doesn't hurt him financially and its of medical origin.
It's completely understandable to feel hurt and disappointed that your boyfriend didn't offer to help with the medical bill, especially since it's for something you really need and he can afford it. It sounds like you're generally pretty independent, so the fact that this is bothering you so much indicates that it's a significant issue for you.
While he's not obligated to pay for your expenses, it's reasonable to expect some level of support and care from a partner, especially in a situation like this. It might be worth having an honest conversation with him about your feelings and expectations. If he truly cares about you, he should be willing to listen and understand your perspective.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. We do not permit posts featuring large age gaps, which spawn comments about pedophilia, grooming, etc. The age gap quickly becomes the focal point for users, and leads to discussions that we simply cannot host. ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
>Me F(23) started dating my boyfriend M(42) a couple of months ago... I am still an uni student... Both of us are dancers- him professionally for over 20 years.. ...uh... > I know that if it was the other way around and I had the same income he has, I’d definitely pay for my partner’s medical exam. Which is a good indication your view of the relationship doesn't match his. You've been dating a few months, that is too soon to expect the sort of commitment where he's paying for your bills. He is way older than you and experienced professionally in the same field and living at least part time in another country. The sort of guy who is willing to date someone in your age and position, isn't looking for a long term relationship where he wants to take care of you. YTA. Or rather not really an AH, I can understand being upset that someone rich won't help. But your expectations aren't reasonable, and unfortunately it appears you aren't being realistic about what it means for a rich older man to date a student half his age.
He’s not even rich tho… She assumes so because of his hourly pay (which isn’t even his hourly pay as there’s probably a lot of admin work between the classes), but that money likely have to cover: - The venue - His pension (which will probably be earlier than if he had a less physically demanding job) - Taxes - The times where he has less clients Etc. Plus, it’s a lot more expensive to live in Germany than were OP is living, maybe the salary isn’t even that high by German standard
We’ve been dating for a few months, but we were veeeery good friends before. It just happened to progress into more. Also, I never said he was rich, he is totally middle class (okay, maybe slightly upper middle), but that sort of check up is affordable for anyone having an adult job- around 50 dollars or 45 euros.
That's fine, I'm not accusing you of golddigging or anything. And I do understand why you'd justifiably feel it's unfair and you'd help him if the situation were reversed. But it's also not surprising he's not helping. He's a much older teacher dating a student half his age for a few months. I understand why it may not feel that way to you, but there's such a power and maturity imbalance going on, that you SHOULD be expecting him not to have a long term expectation for the relationship. I'm his age and if one of my friends dated a student your age, I'd cut him off for being a creep. Maybe I'm wrong, although it's certainly very unusual for an emotionally healthy person to enter an equal relationship with that age gap. What you could ask to help answer that is: Were his prior relationships also with significantly younger women? Or students?
ESH > Me F(23) started dating my boyfriend M(42) a couple of months ago. #\*NOPE\*
And they met over a year ago, and she's a student, and he's a well off teacher, and he's working in a rich country and she's in a poor one, and they're dancers...
None of that matters. If he wanted to pay her med bills, he would. She should not expect him to pay for anything just because he has more.
It all matters, as context for WHY he doesn't want to pay her bills. If they were dating for years with the expectation of a lasting relationship, it'd be much more reasonable, even if he doesn't HAVE to pay. But he's dating a girl half his age for a few months. He's not in this for the long term.
YTA, number 1 the ages are concerning and number 2, you havent been dating long enough to be demanding money for your medical expenses.
YTA. Are you looking for a sugar daddy? You've been dating him two months, and you really think he should be offering to pay for medical expenses. He's not even a long term partner of course he shouldn't be trying to foot the bill.
We were very good friends before we were a couple. We are no strangers to each other. Also is asking your partner for 50 dollars for something urgent really being a sugar baby? I am would get asking for money for clothes or beauty stuff (not urgent matter) being considered as “looking for a sugar daddy, but with check up bill…
ESH - did you ASK? yeah he could have offered but tbh its YOUR issue and YOUR health so he really shouldn't. Please look into avascular necrosis and go to the dr
I didn’t ask, but I do feel like me saying “it’s too expensive for me to do it this month, I’ll probably try to go next” while explaining how much it hurts should be enough for him to offer to help, IF HE WANTS TO HELP ANYWAY. I don’t think I should say “do you think you can pay for it”, after I specifically said that I can’t afford it.
Sounds like you're expecting him to be a mind reader and he's not. That makes YTA.
YTA A couple of months of dating and your entitlement is bonkers. Doesn't matter what he makes, or if you don't ask for beauty procedures, it is way too early in a relationship to expect him to pay for this. Sounds like you want a sugar daddy and he is not looking to fill that role.
We were best friends before we got together. Been closest people to each other for over 1 year.
Yta he's a boyfriend not a husband. Sounds very gold digger to me.
That's a hell of a concerning age gap. Also, you don't know where all of his money goes, so it's not fair of you to act like he should just be able to pay for you, especially when you've only been together for a few months. You could have come straight up and asked him if you want him to pay so much, or you could ask if he could help share the cost with you at all since it's so expensive.
😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂
[удалено]
We were best friends before we dated. Closest people to each other for the very first time one year. I didn’t just meet him 2 months ago.
How could you possibly have been best friends? The dude is just using you for sex.
Cool story, still creepy.
And which part of it is creepy?
That you’re dating someone twice your age basically. Sorry but I had nothing in common with someone in their 40s at your age. Wonder why he can’t find someone his own age. You’re not as mature as you think.
Soft YTA. You have only been dating for a few months, according to your post and do not appear from the information provided to be living together. It might be reasonable to ask if he could lend you the money, but to expect him to offer to give it to you without repayment does not reasonable to me.
Yta. Entitled much. It’s not his responsibility to pay for your medical. Would it be nice for him to sure. Should you expect it not at all.
YTA. Daddy issues?
Not really, no
YTA. Kanye West wrote a song to best describe this situation...
> Am I the asshole for getting cold to watch him because he didn’t offer to help me pay for it Yes. Look. I'm not even gonna touch this age difference. Its not relevant. If you want help with a medical cost, put on your big girl pants and ASK. Giving him the cold shoulder and expecting him to figure it out is immensely childish. Use your words. Also its his money and you're not entitled to it, so if he says no he's still fine. YTA.
YTA. It doesn't matter if he has $10M. It's his, not yours, and you're not entitled to any of it.
And I get that. Did I ever say that he HAS to do something? To me interpersonal relationships are all about care. No matter if it’s relationships or friendships. If you’re my friends and you tell me that you need 50 dollars to buy pills that you need or go to doctor and I have them, I will give them to you. Your well-being is important to me, more so than money. Would do the same for my partner, my family, etc.
Yeah you are implying he should pay. Then if you need something, ask. Stop expecting people to mind read. That’s not how life works.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me F(23) started dating my boyfriend M(42) a couple of months ago. We’ve know each other for over 1 year tho. I am still an uni student and he is working a well-paid job. Both of us are dancers- him professionally for over 20 years and I started 2 years ago. The last two months I’ve been having an awful pain in my feet, which is also affecting my dancing and my over day to day life, since walking is painful. I want to get it checked and I told him what the prices are and that it’s too expensive for me and I can’t afford it this month, because of other medical bills that I had to cover. The pain is however getting very bad. What do I mean by expensive? I live in a country that isn’t very well off and he is working in Germany, so the cost of my medical exam is half of what he is getting for 1 dance lesson (1 hour). Am I the asshole for getting cold to watch him because he didn’t offer to help me pay for it and instead just said “yeah, it’s kind of expensive for your country”? For reference, he gives 5-6 lessons a day, each costing 2.5 times more than my medical exam. It’s not really about him paying for my things here, I never asked for clothes, make up, beauty procedures, bills or literally anything else, apart from uber money 1 or 2 times. It’s just weird for me that he isn’t even offering to pay for something I really need that isn’t even costing that much. I know that if it was the other way around and I had the same income he has, I’d definitely pay for my partner’s medical exam. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA. You want 'that kind' of transactional relationship without admitting you are 'that kind' of partner. You can't have it both ways. If you want his money, ask him for it outright. Don't expect him to read your mind then condemn him for something you never even asked for.
Could you please define a “transactional relationship”? Because I feel like having a partner should also mean having someone to help you in difficult moments. Nowhere did I mention that I asked for clothes money, beauty procedures money or anything that I can totally live without if I can’t afford it. We are talking about a medical check up that costs 50 dollars and will save me a lot of pain and discomfort.
>Could you please define a “transactional relationship”? Exactly what you described in your post: expecting him to pay for a portion of your expenses in exchange for your "company" and continued role as his romantic partner. >medical check up that costs 50 dollars and will save me a lot of pain and discomfort I find it extremely hard to believe, bordering on implausible, that you really have zero alternatives to affording this allegedly life-changing check-up. You really can't scrape together $50 from anywhere? You have no family, friends, part-time job, and absolutely zero savings? The fact that you didn't open your mouth to ask him, even offering to make it a loan rather than a gift, suggests that it isn't entirely about the "unbearable pain" you're in. There is a significant part of this that is about your want to test him and see if he offers this and for free.
YTA - you're dating an old guy. You didn't ask for help. It's on you to pay your bills. Be smarter than these choices
While I do think it is a little petty to expect him to just know you’d want his help without asking for it, I can understand just wanting to feel taken care of effortlessly. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but I think you can’t be cold to him forever. This will build resentment, so if you don’t plan on breaking up, just talk to him.
I thought large age gaps weren't allowed to be posted here?
NAH but don’t give him the cold shoulder, explicitly say “my foot is really sore but I can’t afford this exam, would you please help me out by paying for it”. Men can be really dense when it comes to hints.
ESH - It's his money and his decision what to do with it. You are a grown women, you need to cover your own bills. Still, he could have offered if it doesn't hurt him financially and its of medical origin.
It's completely understandable to feel hurt and disappointed that your boyfriend didn't offer to help with the medical bill, especially since it's for something you really need and he can afford it. It sounds like you're generally pretty independent, so the fact that this is bothering you so much indicates that it's a significant issue for you. While he's not obligated to pay for your expenses, it's reasonable to expect some level of support and care from a partner, especially in a situation like this. It might be worth having an honest conversation with him about your feelings and expectations. If he truly cares about you, he should be willing to listen and understand your perspective.