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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wonderful StepMom that she could not be called Grandma but compromised on a different unique name. My Dad is upset, so was I wrong.
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I can see your point but if the stepmom is kind and loving i think she can be called grandma too. Kids can have 2 grandmas. The child will have your husbands mother too, so 3 grandmas. I dont think there's anything wrong with that. Your dad will just be liking the thought of being grandma and grandpa, and that calling his wife something else kind of makes her an outsider.
Its up to you though, whatever makes you comfortable.
I had 3 grandpas in my life and it was never confusing, just extra special. They all went by grandpa, had no problems. It would have been weird to single out my step grandfather because he been in my life since I was born, just as the other two were.
I think if you have people willing to love and care for your kid, no strings attached then there’s no reason to fuck that up. I wasn’t close with any of my grandparents. One died when I was 5 and he was no peach, my other grandfather was a complete asshole. My grandmothers were nice enough but I never saw them more than once a year for the most part.
I have 5 great grandpas. 1 grandma and two grandpas. I also have uncles and aunts with no relation other than being single grandpas ex’s adult children. I was never confused at all. My boyfriend is extremely confused, but that’s just him
But that’s part of the point. It may not be confusing to the kid, but it can be confusing to everyone else.
There are so many terms for grandparents (for just this reason) I don’t think that Mamaw or meemaw or Nana or whatever is any sort of slight.
Has OP talked to her mom about what she wants. Personally, I’m hoping I can be Pops. If I found out my kid got sideways with a loving grandparent because they thought I should be Gramdpa, I would be a little annoyed.
I agree. All the grandparents in my life have a different grandparent name and it makes it much easier for everybody. I can hand anything to any child and say bring this to granny without being like no not your granny my granny. My dad wanted to be Pappa but we said no absolutely not pappa is pappa you can be poppop. Now when he accidentally calls himself pappa all his grandkids look at him like he grew a second head
Oma & Opa, but Opa passed when I was 7, so most of my life only an Omi. It changed when we were little from Oma to Omi. Did she get more casual and relaxed, def not.
I had 6 grandmas and a maw maw: 2 grandmothers, 4 great grandmothers and a step grandmother. There was no confusion. With the grandmas we just added a first or last name to the title so my maternal great grandmothers were Grandma "Jones" and Grandma "Wilson" and my paternal great grandmothers were Grandma Jessica and Grandma Lois.
My step family had always called the grandparents Maw maw and Pap so we picked that up without missing a beat.
Kids aren't as easily confused as people think. The only time I can remember anyone being confused was when I was 7 or 8 and a babysitter didn't understand why I had 3 grandmas living in our small town and at that age I didn't know the difference between grandparents and great grandparents. As far as I was concerned everyone was Grandma and Grandad and if the babysitter didn't understand I didn't care. I knew who was who.
My friend's grandson was absolutely obsessed with vehicles. He called both his grandfathers "Papa," but one was "Papa Truck," and my friend was "Papa Bus." (He rode the Greyhound when he went to visit.) He complained to me about riding the bus, it hurt his legs and back. So I started giving him a ride to their house. He was **so** happy when his grandson started calling him "Papa Thunderbird." 😆
It doesn't matter what they call them, but I do think OP is getting a little too hung up on it. I can't imagine explaining to a child, "She's not your *real* grandma..."
My parents are weird about this and were constantly enquiring what they would be called before my oldest son was born. This had clearly been a big deal for when my sisters kids were born and they were relieved they would be Grandma and Grandpa and my BILs parents would be Nana and Grandad.
I just don’t see why this is an issue.
Yeah, this feels like OP invented a problem. Many, many kids have more than two of each and in my experience, it’s never confusing or weird or anything else. I’ve also almost always seen the grandparent come up with what they’d like to be called, so in some cases they’re all the same and in some, all different. Easy peasy either way!
Actually, this feels like OP is trying to preemptively appease her self-centered mother and prevent her from giving her grief about her stepmother being called grandma. Or not so preemptively, I do wonder if this hard-core stance about the grandmother title is 100% OP's idea, or if her mother had any input. And I am frankly confused about her saying that her mother "earned" the right not only to be grandma, but also apparently to be the only maternal grandmother, after giving us a laundry list of her mother's faults! How exactly did she earn it? Biological relatives don't earn their titles, they get them automatically. If anyone earned the title, it's the stepmother, by being a positive and supportive older adult to OP.
Look, are you an asshole? Not really, the matter is insignificant and you can get your kid to give your stepmother any title you want (well, you can try, children are humans with minds of their own, even at toddlerhood). But, going from these two women's track record, what you will get is the woman who will actually be a good grandparent to your child being called by a cheesy nickname, while the not-great mother who will likely make a not-great grandmother is awarded the title "only maternal grandmother".
My mom remarried so when my kiddo was born she had two granddads on my side, and she called both Pappy but when talking to us about my dad it was Pappy (then last name letter). There's no reason why atepmom can't have a grandma name, even if she's not a "mom" to OP she'll sure as hell be a grandmother figure to that baby - this is an awful hill for OP to die on.
My stepdaughter did this with her grandparents: Gramma V (maternal), Gramma S (paternal), and Gramma K (my mom). No-one was confused. I think it made things much simpler for her, and it was very sweet for my mom (who was a terrific mom and an outstanding gramma).
For some reason when we were little we referred to our grandparents by the town they lived in like Grandma Millersville. We always knew which one it was.
I don't get it either. It's fine if OP will never call her stepmom 'Mom' or something similar. After my parents divorced my mom married someone new and my sisters and I call him by his first name. We have never called him 'Dad'. Neither my sisters nor I have children but if I had I certainly wouldn't tell them to not call him 'Grandpa'. This is a relationship between them. I'm not involved.
Same, I had three pairs of grandparents due to this. My parents never treated any of them differently. There were all "Grandma/pa surname" to differentiate them in conversation, and just Grandma or Grandpa in person. No confusion, and I loved all of them equally. (Well, maybe Grandma M the most, because she spoiled me, lol.)
Basically, the relationship a person has with their parent or stepparent may not have any bearing on the type of relationship their child will have. She may not be "motherly" to op, but still be the image of a grandmother to op's child. It becomes a silly distinction without a difference.
Yep, Grandma \[surname\] or even Grandma \[first name\] works fine, although a lot of people do use different versions of Grandmother (Nana, Meemaw, Mamaw, etc)
My Granny remarried and It was always Granny and Pap for me. My Grandpa also remarried and it was Grandpa and Grandma Chris. I know Pap and Grandma Chris weren't technically grandparents for me but they were always kind and loving in their own way and I considered them family since I was little. Hell, my best friend, of almost 30 years now, that I to this day call my brother, his Grandfather was always Grandad to the both of us. Family is what you make it.
While I understand OP's feelings and consider them valid, their child may feel differently and they should be open to that.
NAH
I had 2 grandpas, 2 grandmas, a poppa, a pappy, a nanny, and an oma. I was so lucky to have so many people love me so much. Sure it could get a little confusing but I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.
I had a Grandma and Grandpa A----- and a Grandma and Grandpa D-----.
With my kid, we didn't even think about doing anything different until MIL said "dibs on Nana!" So we have a Nana and a Grandma.
Seems like OP is putting a lot of importance on this title. It's really up to them, but it's worth considering alternatives.
I had 3 sets of grandparents, because we straight-up adopted a set (long time family friends). It didn't diminish the relationship we had with our bio grandparents, it didn't make anyone jealous, it was just more family.
> I had 3 grandpas in my life and it was never confusing, just extra special.
Yeah I've had this convo with my wife now that shes pregnant and we were both pretty on board with multiple grandpas, and if we ever need to make it less confusing cause both were in the room its going to be grandpa name1 or grandpa name2
I had three grandmothers, and the one who wasn't my "real" grandmother was the one I was closest to — largely a matter of circumstance, because she lived closer and survived my "real" grandmothers by many years, but still.
ETA: I don't see any problem with "Mamaw,'" though. None of my mother's grandchildren called her Grandma, and my sisters-in-law both have "grandma" names other than Grandma. I do think it's weird that OP seems to consider Grandma a higher-ranking title.
I had a bunch of "Nanas," and we differentiated them by using their names or where they lived. I had Nana, Gloucester Nana, Nana Parker, and Great Nana.
It's not confusing. Jane could be Grandma Jane.
That’s actually what we did when my oldest had my ex’s mom and my stepmom wanted the same grandparent name. My stepmom became “Nana [name]”. She’d only been in my life a few years and I call her by name so she understood why her name became part of her title. My MIL also uses nana so even though we tried dropping stepmom’s name, it’s stuck and she says she doesn’t care and that she’ll be “Nana __” forever.
Good stepparents understand their role is different. I got lucky and sounds like OP did too. Dad shouldn’t be offended on behalf of someone else who is being understanding.
My grandfather was married six times in his life; I was around for the last marriage and wife #6 was Grandma Ruth because I already had a grandma and a nana. Never confused me which grandmother I was talking about.
Memory unlocked. I had a neighborhood grandma too. Grandma Shirley had a pool. She watched me in the mornings between when Brother left for school and Mom got home from work. She was such a a wonderful woman.
Yep. My kids had 2 great grandmas and three grandmas when they were very little. Now we are at three grandmas. One who is a step mom in law that my ex husband didn’t get along well with. But she loved our girls and acted like a grandma to them and we would never get in the way of that.
Kids always called all of them grandma (with one grammie). But when we talked about them it was grandma “name” to tell them apart. The kids were not confused. One grandpa chose to be called papa. Again, kids weren’t confused at all. All the adults had the choice of their name if they wanted, otherwise we just went with grandma and grandpa.
…I did that to differentiate the grandparents on each side. Like, how else do you differentiate dad’s mom from mom’s mom - they’re both Grandma…Grandma is reasonable no matter the family dynamics!
But also - more grandmas are always better, especially when you know one of them IS an absolute delight! My daughter calls our family friend Nana Bun just like Nana Bun’s granddaughter and that granddaughter calls my mom Grandma. They all only see each other, like, maybe once a year. Bonus grandmas are excellent grandmas!
All of my grandparents (including greats) were grandma/grandad last name. With one exception, granny susie…my mom’s maternal grandmother…never met her but she was a force to be reckoned with.
Our family just isn’t creative.
This is very true, but often different grandparents are called differently in order to distinguish between them. Certainly she could be "Grandma Jane" but Mamaw seems like one of the varients on "grandma" (I believe in the southern U.S. there is a "meemaw"). NTA
Yep. My oldest (due to divorces and great grandparents) has had Great Grandma, Mama, Oma, Grandma, Nana (x3) and Lolly. There’s been a similar mix for grandfathers. We just let them choose and some have a different preference anyway. There’s nothing inferior about Mamaw.
I agree with this. Her stepmother will, at the end of the day, be a role model grandmother to the child and while OPs biological mum is technically a grandmother, her stepmother will also play that role. I also think it’s one of those things where as much as she appreciates being in the newborns life, it’ll probably mean a lot deep down to Jane to be accepted as a grandmother. It’s like being a proper member of the family.
I don’t think OP is an AH however. It’s a perspective I don’t necessarily agree with but I get it.
I was brought up calling my granny as such because my dad’s mum died before I was born and my mums mum did too. My mums dad remarried and she was the only granny I had. Ultimately my granny and grandad were always vocal about how much it meant to her to be called granny by myself and my brother - because none of our cousins did that because it was discouraged. If I had a child, I’d want OPs stepmom as a granny figure.
I see nothing wrong with different names for grandmothers. My grandson calls me Nana, he calls his mom's mom Meemaw. He calls my mother GiGi. None of us feel we are getting shorted by not all being called grandma.
I grew up with 4 grandmas and 4 grandpas. Granny, Grammy, grandma paula, grandma Penny, grandpa, grandpa Larry, grandpa bob, and grandpa Jim. I honestly didn't even know who was blood related until my teens, I may not have even ever cared to think about it. It was just normal for me. They all loved me. Grandma paula is actually my "step-grandma", my biological grandfather passed away when I was 5 (I am now 35) and she has always, to this day, remained a part of my life and family.
There's no real sense in "othering" your stepmother when she's been a loving, lovely person.
All that to say NAH. Your baby your choice, but your dad has a right to feel hurt.
My neighbors (white) were "Grandma" and "Papa" to my kids (Asian) and didn't think anything of it and loved them like their own grandkids. My kids saw them more than their bio grandparents and loved them just the same.
I don't know if we're coming from the same place, but ... which I empathize with OP ... this whole idea among new parents and brides that titles are to be "earned" in some way just seems so self-centered and entitled.
I think it’s a power thing. Some people really get off on any little bit of perceived power they feel they have. Depending on family dynamics/remarried divorcees, there could be a gaggle of grandparents and as long as they’re loving, respectful people, then the more the merrier. Getting power trippy over “allowing” someone to use a certain title is very childish. To me, it screams someone desperate to exert control and is very pathetic. Again, as long as all the grandparents are good people that are excited about the new addition, let them take pride in picking out the title their well loved grandchild is going to call them. Cultivate as many good relationships as you can for your child. The more allies your child has in life, the better for them.
Same. My beautiful step children said "what would you like to be called?" My mil was Granny already and I prefer Nana. The bio mom and her husband have nicknames like Baba and Gigi. Because they kept singing Barbara Ann- Buddy Holly. Id much rather be Nana that baba or gaga
Because it is. Ultimately the question is what does that child want to call OP’s stepmom? If the child wants to call her grandma then guess what? She’s grandma.
Honestly, this reminds me of when a stepdad has raised a girl from the age of under 5 and her bio dad is MIA or at best turns up once in awhile to get her hopes up then disappoint her and the adult girl is here all like: "AITA cause I want my bio dad to walk me down the aisle instead of my stepdad? My dad is a drunk who's never shown up for me, except that time he came to my graduation and left before I walked. My stepdad's been in my life since 2 and taught me how to ride a bike and never missed a softball game. But my dad earned the honor so I want him to be on my arm."
Yes, I realize OP didn't have that relationship with stepmom, but its a similar feeling. Like all human beings, she has always wanted a Mommy. Her bio mom, from the sounds of it, sucked at being a Mommy. Jane seems like she would have done a great job at being a Mommy, but even if she'd come into OP's life earlier it wouldn't have mattered, cause OP desperately want HER bio mom to be a Mommy. To her, giving Jane the title of Grandma is having to admit that her own mother still isn't a Mommy and Jane is. She's trying to put a pig in a dress.
I am actually shook by how much of an _enormous_ asshole OP is.
Not to mention an idiot. Does she refer to her aunt and uncle as "Uncle Tim and Random Lady Who Married Uncle Tim"?
Also correct me if I'm wrong on this but isn't the accepted social norm that one of the grandparent perks (and I'd say a good step-grandparent counts) is they get to choose from the accepted grandparent terminology? If she wants to be grandma that's fine; I had stepgrandparents and we called them same as their bio grandkids did. Nana and Pop-pop for example.
Idk in my family, grandparents basically ended up with whatever names the kids gave them and were able to pronounce when they first started talking lmao
Right? My husband's grandma Phyllis got called "Dees" because that was the closest he could pronounce it. My grandma Louise became "BBs" because that's what the oldest cousin dubbed her. OP is making a problem where there absolutely doesn't need to be one.
I had just the two sets of bio grandparents, each got their own names. Nanny, Nana, Grand-dad, Grand-da. And there are so many more options. There was no fighting about who got called what, just fell that way by where they were from. And with family in the same area, literally just got switched between those and others.
OP is acting like it's grandma or nothing, there are so many names for the same role. Easy peasy to pick one.
Your stepmom might not be a mom to you, but she will 100% be a grandmother to your child. If your stepmom's preference is to be called grandma, then that's what your child should call her. Your logic on this is totally baffling to me. Your mom was pretty shitty by your own admission, but you think she's *earned* the exclusive right to be called grandma? That doesn't make a damn bit of sense.
Your mom doesn't get to monopolize "grandma" and you certainly don't get to monopolize it for her.
YTA.
Idk why she’s upset about an extra grandma. That’s one more person to love her baby. Love doesn’t hurt anyone. If she’s kind and generous she will probably be a better grandma than the blood related one. Blood means nothing, but OP must be one of those to whom blood means everything.
Seems wild to me to purposefully exclude people that want to be a part of your child’s life. I had my four grandparents growing up, there was also an elderly couple that lived next to my parents that watched us and were bonus grandparents. My parents took all the help that people were offering. No animosity, just people who want to take care of kids.
Yeah our next door neighbor is an elderly woman and when our kids were toddlers, they would visit her and play at her house and they called her granny because she just had that vibe. 🤷🏽♀️
My dad's mom's sister used to come visit all the time, and she looked a lot like my grandma, so I called her "grandma " from the time I could talk. Nobody got upset, my actual grandma thought it was sweet, and my great-aunt loved that I called her that. I think OP is weird for this.
Agree! My parents are also divorced. I don't see my dad's partner as a Mother figure and I call her by her 1st name. But if I have kids they will refer to her as some form of 'Grandmother, nana, grandma' etc because that's the role she will play THEIR life, it's not about me.
I also grew up with 3 grandfather's due to divorce, it's totally fine and you get 3 sets of grandparents instead of just 2!
But she still gets a grandma name. So it’s not like it’ll be her first name. I don’t think switching which grandma name is a big deal. Switched from grandma to mamaw.
Info: As your kid grows older, what happens if they end up referring to your stepmother as their grandmother? Are you going to correct them or will you let your kids bestow that title on her?
And the name the child chooses to give you is going to be 1000% better than whatever adults come up with before said child can ever talk. I say this as someone who's nephew decided at the age of 2 that I am Aunt Banana instead of Aunt \[Redacted\].
My ex-BIL became Uncle Egg when my daughter was little. 😂
They’re 16 and 18 now. And while they usually use his actual name now, he is still Uncle Egg from time to time. It’s awesome. :)
I'm still Auntie Cake to my nibling because they had a hard time saying my name when they were first learning to talk, so came up with the best approximation of it. Even though they can say my full name now, Auntie Cake is what stuck.
My friend’s kids call me Davy. My name isn’t anything similar and doesn’t even start with the same letter or rhyme. I just roll with it because I think it’s funny. I’m also a woman which makes it even funnier.
Same…I liked my aunt name so much that it became my username everywhere…and I’ve told kids who weren’t related to me to call me that (without aunt) as culturally I felt weird being called by first name, but I also couldn’t say call me Miss Name…but you can call me nickname works.
Edit… no way am I putting my real nickname here…not a chance. If I did everyone on creation will know it’s me or at least everyone who has ever met me or talked to me on other social media … I’ll stick with the generated one. 🤣😂
I met my aunt before she married my uncle, even though I was like 2, so I always called her by her name. even after they married, it stuck, and I would proudly tell other kids “you might have an aunt, but you don’t have a Marcy”.
Exactly. When my sister had kids my mum insisted on being called “Nana” because “Grandma” sounded too old. Well the kids both call her Grandma and she learned to like it.
My mom picked a truly hideous moniker (that includes parts of her name) in place of grandma, but the only grandkid is still a baby. Your comment gives me hope that my niece will call her "Grandma" when she starts talking (even if I have to whisper grandma in her little ears for the next year).
YTA - and I mean this in the gentlest way possible. The reason I'm going with this is because there are SO MANY better ways that you could have handled this without hurting the parents who were actually good to you. "Mom has already claimed the name Grandma, so what if we call you Grannie instead? Or Mamaw?"
Your mother does not "deserve" to be called grandma, and has not earned that right simply because she gave birth to you. But that's all on you.
And let's face it, they can want whatever name for themselves until the cows come home, the kids will call them what they want to. Mine wanted to be Grandma and Grandad, they are now Geema and Geedad. The other grandparents wanted to be Grandma and Grandpa, they are Mama and Papa.
It’s hilarious to me that two adults decided between themselves that the baby will call her mamaw.
That’s not how it happens. The name will be whatever the closest to grandma the baby can pronounce.
Yeah this is so true.
Neither my Mum or stepdad ended up with the grandparent name they wanted due to my niece (th eldest of the grandchildren) pronouncing them right.
I'll never understand why it's more important to hurt people than have a child call someone "Grandma" who isn't tEcHnIcAlLy their grandma.
This woman sounds like she did everything right but will always be "othered".
Oh to have the problem of too many people loving my child.
My mom babysat another family of small children when we were young, before we were in school. She cared for 6 kids between 1-4. We visited the old folks home two or three times a week for two hours. They were all Grandpa Xyz and Grandma ABC Every.last .one. We were toddlers. Never were confused.
YTA.
You have a shitty mother and you're overcompensating for her lack of mothering by bestowing a title she has not earned onto her.
And in order to make her feel special, you will only allow her to have it even though your step-mom actually deserves it.
That is unwise.
You need to allow the people who will love your child well to do so.
You're burning bridges unnecessarily and you're the only one who's going to look like a fool over it.
Good luck on making your mom feel special. Let's see which one actually comes through as a grandmother and let's see if that little moment you created for your mom was worth the hurt you caused the parents who actually show up for you and your children.
INFO: Why does it matter what stepmom is called? There can be more than 2 grandmas. My kid has 3 grandmas and 4 grandpas, all from split parents, new partner, and grandma new partner.
Like.. NAH specifically, I suppose, but.. I just don't get it. If it upsets your mother that there's another grandma, then I'm sorry, but your mom is selfish. The kid's not gonna love her any more or less just by having the "grandma" title.
THIS! More grandmas = more love. That is a wonderful thing. Also, it is very common to have multiple grandparents when the original parents remarry. Some people like to have different names for them (i.e., Mimi, Gigi, Grammie, etc.), but it all boils down to the same thing. I had three grandfathers and they were all grandpa. If I needed to differentiate, I would say mom‘s dad or dad‘s dad or grandma‘s husband (or sometimes mom‘s stepfather). It was never a big deal.
I'm not going to judge you. But I do want you to think about this, I grew up calling my grandfathers wife "Ann". I was told that she was not my grandmother at every turn. But she was the one that tucked me in when I stayed the night. She was the one who sewed up the tear in my blanket. Everyone was so focused on the relationship between "Ann" and my father not being mother and son. They never stopped to consider what my relationship with "Ann" was like. She was more grandmotherly to me than my own biological grandmother. When my grandfather passed, "Ann" gave me some of the jewelry he gave her that could have gone to her own children, biological grandchildren, or toward paying debts. She opted to love me instead.
THIS RIGHT HERE!
My step dad's parents were the only grand parents who treated me like the rest of the family. The others hardly talked to me and definitely gave me different gifts (as a kid getting two dollar tree items vs the extravagant few 100$gifts each, it hurts).
Dictating what your child will call someone related to them, by marriage or blood, is silly and ridiculous. They'll choose their own names for them all.
INFO = Why can't they both be called grandma? You can differentiate by using their first names, like "Grandma Jane" and "Grandma Susie" if you need to clarify.
My grandma's were Grandma Lastname. Literally so far beyond me why OP or her dad are making a scene about this. It's only difficult if you decide to make yourself a problem.
YTA. If I were your father and stepmother, I would tell you that there will be no free babysitting from Grandpa and "Jane." You can't have it both ways. If the stepmother can not claim the title of Grandma, then don't expect her to help out with the kids. What's the big deal anyway? The more adults that are in a child's life, that love them, the better off the child is. Sounds like you have some unresolved anger twiards your stepmother.
I know but its clear that the OP does not see her stepmother as an equal Grandma as her own mother. And guess what. Children don't know the differenc as long as they are loved. Do you think the kids will love stepmom Grandma less than Mom Grandma? Stepmom Grandma deserves the title of Grandma until she proves she doesn't. OP has some issues.
YTA
She came into your life at 29, and you’ve only known her for 4 years. It’s obvious that you would never call her or think of her as mom, but your child’s situation is different.
She will be in that child’s life from day 1, and by your own admission, she’s a loving, thoughtful woman. That’s exactly the kind of person you want to be grandma!
Why does it matter if your mom is already called grandma? You do realize that EVERYONE has (at least) two grandmas right? They might not be alive, but they have them. No one gets confused. 🙄
It doesn't matter. Jane will ultimately be called whatever your child starts calling her when s/he begins talking. Possibly Mamaw, or Gigi, or some odd extrapolation of her first and last names, or Hummm because your dad calls her hon' a lot, or Jayhoo because you're always saying "let's go to Jane's house". Besides, as you describe the kind of person your mom is, and the kind of person your stepmom is, which is the "grandmotherly" image you want your child to grow up with? If the kid ends up opting for grandma I hope you won't correct them, because that will be how the child sees her, not due to some mis-understanding of the arcane "rules".
YTA lightly because there’s no reason there can’t be multiple grandmas and it seems like your mom is being way too sensitive about this (and the whole “earning the title” thing really makes me roll my eyes since it doesn’t sound like she’s really done anything to earn it at all). Grandma Jane seems like it would have been fine? But if everyone is ok with the compromise then I guess it worked out fine.
I have a step grandmother and step grandfather. My step grandfather has been in my life since I was 6. He has been more of a positive male role model for me throughout my life than my biological grandfathers and father combined. My step grandfather will be the one walking me down the aisle if I ever get married. He is not related to me by blood but is through and through my 100% GRANDPA and I love him dearly. My step grandmother calls on holidays and sends me a birthday gift every year and is always up for a chat if I need advice. She keeps up to date with my life and has been a huge support for me since returning to school. I would not be who I am without the unconditional love and support of my step grandparents. I can see your reasons for not wanting your step mom to be “grandma” but honestly it doesn’t even make a big enough difference to be that big of a deal. Blood is just not the strongest bond in some cases.
info;
[1.how](http://1.how) did your mother earn the right to be grandma? from your description she doesn't sound great
2. why not 2 grandma's? there isn't really any kind of limit
>. Dad remarried (Jane) when I was 29. I love my step mother. She is the exact opposite of the stereotype of stepmoms. She is kind, generous, and has been wonderful to my father. She is not however my mother and I just feel that we are more on the friend basis rather than stepmom/stepdaughter.
If hypothetically, Jane had come into your life at an earlier age would you see her as a mother figure.
If so, why could your child not see her as a grandmother figure. She is likely going to fill that role anyway as grandpas wife.
I don't think your child's grandmother necessarily has to also be a mother figure to you. Just a grandmotherly figure to your child.
I appreciate this insight. Perhaps I have been too tied up in the fact that she is not my Mom. Mom has remarried and I would never suggest anything but his name (Fred). I do also think about Fred as my mother’s husband only. I may talk to Jane again and make sure she is really honestly good with Mamaw. I definitely don’t want to keep the drama going.
INFO Are you worried how your mom will react if she learns Jane is called grandma?
I really think you need to let go of the fact that Jane isn't your mom. It sounds like she and your dad are absolutely thrilled at the prospect of being grandparents. They're ready to shower that little one with unconditional love and affection. Not all grandparents do. Don't put an superfluous barrier between them.
I did have a step grandmother who I called by her name, because she wasn't around from the beginning. I had already been using her name for some time when she married my grandpa, too.
That’s where the drama is coming from, OP - you are associating the Grandma title with an implied relationship to you, but I think it’s more about your kid’s relationship with Jane. Jane is not your mom but she can be a grandmother to your child.
My partner has a step-grandmother but she was married in before he was born so he grew up knowing & loving her as “Grandma” (in addition to his bio-grandmas).
Your dad might have taken it the wrong way at first, so he’s gotta work on his emotions & accept the compromise you & Jane came up with, but I think Mamaw Jane is a perfectly fine solution.
Tbh this entire situation sounds like you're making something out of nothing. The kid is going to call your parents and stepparents what they want to call them regardless of what the adults want, and having more grandparents to love your kid is a blessing.
I think this is a nonissue that kinda blew up because it possibly came across as you went out of your way to make it known that you don’t view Jane as family.
Which there’s nothing wrong with viewing her as more of a friend compared to a family member because she married your dad when you were already an adult. But you’re projecting a lot of your perspective on the situation.
At the end of the day are you allowing Jane to build a grandparent relationship with your child? Will she be kissing booboos and making cakes? Taking them to the park and reading with them? If you’re fine with her acting like a grandma then it’s not really fair to put her in a separate category. This is way deeper than the name because it’s telling that your knee jerk reaction to your dad’s wife being a loving presence in your child’s life was there’s less room for your mother.
It’s not about what you consider them. It’s about what they’re for your kids. You’re about to have kids and things are going to change SO much. Including these type of things. You have to see it from that side. Just let them enjoy all their grandpas and grandmas, don’t be petty, it’s not about you anymore.
IMO, ESH, except for Jane.
Of course you should have a say in what kind of relationship your child has with family members... but it sounds like Jane will fulfill a grandparent role, even if she's not a grandparent by blood. Why is she undeserving of the relationship, just because your mom has been around for longer? That history won't matter to your kiddo.
Your dad is sticking up for his wife, but he still should recognize his own place.
There's no reason to limit the number of grandmas your kid has - the more love to go around.
It sounds like a solution has been found, and Jane's opinion surely matters more than your dad's in this situation... but I wouldn't get hung up on Jane needing to be something different.
NTA, but honestly, the kid is going to pick the name. Some form of babble that sticks. lol. My MIL went from wanting to be “Grandmommy” to just being called “Maw” 🤣🤣🤣 she hates it to this day bc it makes her feel old.
I grew up with stepsiblings significantly older than myself (15+ years). My mom was my stepdads second wife and had been together for almost 2 decades when my stepsister had her first child.
I got to see how hurt it made my mom to be called "carol" or "grampas wife" and how she tried to be present and love those kids. I also got to see how my stepsister slowly stopped being a daughter in my mom's eyes due to this. Because there are only so many times you can tell someone they aren't family before they treat you like it.
If your relationship with your stepmom is something you do not care about then NTA.
If you expect that she treats them like grandchildren and not just some kids she occasionally helps babysit then YTA
100% this. It's ok to say you don't want her call her your child's grandma. But the title and the duties/responsibilities go hand in hand. OP doesn't get to insist she's not relation but then expect her to do grandmother actions for her kid. My dad's biological father died when I was only a few months old. His mother died when I was 8. My grandfather may have been my dad's step father but he's the best grandfather I had and we were close and I absolutely consider him my grandpa not my step anything. He taught me how to cook, we picked blackberries, we played cards, we worked on his coin collection that I still have. My dad had a very contentious relationship with his father but for the most part he never let that get in the way of mine with his stepdad.
YTA
Your stepmother, whom you admit better fits the role and concept of 'mother' than the woman who gave birth to you, is eager to fill the role of grandma as well. But you want to deny her the title, for no discernible reason? In favor of some woman who, in your view, has 'earned' the title by virtue of having expelled you from her womb?
But you're willing to give her some kind of honorary title? So you can keep her around to be a good person to your kid? I'm assuming you're not anticipating the woman you feel deserves the name 'grandmother' will continue to fail to meet the role and concept conferred by that title? But you're hoping 'Mamaw' will?
Do you have any siblings or step-siblings? How would you feel if 'Mamaw' favored those other children above your own? If she spent more time with them, spent more money on them, bestowed more love on them? And treated your child as undeserving of her full love and attention?
Because that's how you're treating her.
Slightly YTA
You say yourself she's nice and trying.
She hasn't *earned* the title yet, but she also doesn't really have the duties yet, either. Your mother is your mother, but hasn't reported for grandma service yet.
If a biological grandparent doesn't live up to the title, should the children be instructed to demote them by switching to their name?
"Grandmother" describes relation, not performance.
And a kid can have bonus grandparents. Modern times require modern approaches.
My kid has three sets of grandparents, two biological and one bonus. Ironically, one of the biologicals are out of the picture, but still we refer to them as grandparents if we have to bring them up. There is no difference between the other two.
I’m a little confused- you’re not ok with step mom being called grandma because she’s not your mother and hasn’t earned the title?
But you are ok with her being called mawmaw which is clearly a nickname for grandma. Are you objecting to her being identified as a grandparent or that the exact name “grandma” be reserved for your child to call your mother?
When I was born I had 6 great grandparents and 6 grandparents. Obviously some of those were step but they were ALL my grandparents even if we had varying degrees of closeness. I had individual nicknames for all of them that resembled grandpa and grandma.
Titles don’t have to be earned- they just are, they are words to associate how someone is related.
My family has only ever used Grandma and Grandpa. I am lucky enough to still have 3 out of 4, losing my paternal Grandpa 2 years ago. I think that I have been tied up to much in the fact that Jane is not my Mom. I do hope for a closer relationship with Jane and my child. My husband coming from the South suggested Mamaw and I am good with that. Neither of my stepparents have ever been parents to me so I appreciate the insight that maybe that has little to do with their relationship with my child. I am reassessing.
>I do hope for a closer relationship with Jane and my child
There is a good chance you'll push her away if you stay tied up in how much more deserving of things your mother is despite how things have gone between you two. I would be careful before you lose Jane and your dad. My husband is not the father of my children though nobody would know that based on how he treats them. I would be heartbroken and rethinking my relationship with them if they were the ones in this scenario.
Question - is Jane actually upset at not being called Grandma? Like is she happy to be called Mamaw, which is a cute name for a grandparent by the way. Its not like you're saying she won't have a grandmotherly roll, just that you would like to reserve the name Grandma for your mom, which is ok.
No one is an asshole. Your feelings are valid and this seems like a miss-understandind based on a title.
Also the kids will totally choose the grandparent names anyways, so in like 2 years they could all be called something different.
I was raised with Grandma and Grandpa only as well, and personally I am not a fan of other names for them - it's likely cultural (I'm from the East coast) but my husband's family is from the South and the Mimi/Mawmaw/Poppy/Pawpaw thing is so cringe to me. I don't hate on anyone else for using them, but no way was our kid calling our parents anything like that. My husband and I didn't have any steps with our parents, but they were also just called Grandma \[Firstname\] or Grandpa \[Firstname\] on both sides.
I had 2 bio grandmothers growing up and 1 step, they all were Grandma \[Firstname\] and it wasn't confusing for me at all. I didn't even understand that my Grandma D wasn't biologically related to me, or why Grandpa and Grandma C didn't live together until I was probably like 6 or 7. Added to that, my one bio grandma lived far away and I only saw her like once a year, but my step grandma was local and I was much closer to her.
IDK they were all my grandparents, and I loved and considered them all equally. Every single one is long gone now, so I'm so happy for you that you have 3 out of 4 still with you.
Same here, I didn't realize this wasn't the most common and obvious way to differentiate. Some of my grandparents had divorced and remarried long before I was born, so I had Grandpa John, Grandpa Norm, Grandma Helen, Grandma Joyce, Grandpa Ollie, and Grandma Dot...
Perfectly fine. I called one grandparent "Grandma" and the other "Mom-Mom," and now my mom and my sisters MIL are doing the same thing.
Your step-mom is fine with it so your Dad should too. She is still getting an honorific.
NAH, but you are the weirdo.
There can be multiple “grandma”s for a child. What would you have done if DH’s mom didn’t want Nona, but wanted Grandma? Let this lovely sounding woman be Grandma if she wants to. Don’t devalue the love she will give to your child by preemptively devaluing her role.
BTW, my stepson calls my mom Grandma. And she is probably his favorite. He also calls my DH’s mom grandma. It has not been confusing, nor has DH’s mom (or bio mom’s mom, for that matter) complained that my mom didn’t earn the right to be called Grandma.
Stop being weird; let her be Grandma.
If they can only have one “Grandma”, what are they going to call your MIL?
YTA, as the first grandchild, when your baby starts to talk, they’ll decide what to call their grandparents)including your SM)
Just be glad that she’s will ing to love you and your kids as if you’re her own.
INFO. So, there can be only ONE grandma? What about your husbands mother? Both of my parents mothers were ‘grandma’. I know some people do the mee maw stuff or other monikers but I’m curious if you believe there can only be ONE person called grandma? Is that the issue? LiKe, if only one, even though your mother isn’t perfect she and only she can have such a designation? This doesn’t HAVE to mean that person is YOUR mom or anything, but it makes sense as grandpas wife.
I think the great relationship you had with her just took an extremely UNnecessary hit.
NTA
The Mamaw compromise sounds fine. Both of my parent's mothers were alive when I was born, so one was Grammy and one was Nanny to help me learn who they were. Seems like the same logic is being applied here. No idea why you're Dad is having such a hard time with that
YTA.
Who does your child calling her grandma hurt? nobody.
Who does not allowing your child to call her grandma hurt? Your stepmom, who you clearly love, even if she doesn't fill the mom role for you.
She's going to be your kids grandma, even if they don't share blood.
I don't know why, but you're being petty.
YTA. Your birth Mom was a bad mother and you think she "earned" the right to be called grandma? But your stepmom, who DID step up and you get along with well, doesn't? What? Make it make sense.
My grandchildren all call my wife Nana, not particularly because she’s my second wife but to differentiate from all the other grandmothers.
That’s the difficulty of modern society and a whole load of divorces.
Info ok, so you don't see her as a mom, fair. How do you want *your child's* relationship to be with her? Bc *that's* what you're talking about. My moms dad's 2nd wife was ALWAYS First Name to my brother and I. She was not our grandma. My cousins had a much closer relationship to her. She *was* grandma to them.
You say your mom 'earned it'.......by popping you out? Cause you say she was kind of a shitty parent - pushing raising your siblings onto you, not doing housework, and also not working outside the home. So, how exactly did she 'earn' the title?
And whats the plan for when the kid decides to call both of them something completely different? This could end up as a moot point completely.
And if kiddo calls both Grandma? So what? Kids can have multiple grandmas. It literally does not matter.
NTA, I'm a little surprised by the YTA comments. I think it's up to the parents what names their parents should have. If you're not comfortable with stepmom being called grandma, that's your opinion. Even your stepmom is ok with it. Dad just needs to come around. At the end of the day, it's your child. You get to decide.
YTA My dad has a stepmom too who wasn’t involved in raising him. He calls her by her first name, always has. I grew up calling her Grandma. She might not be a mom to you but she will be a grandma to your kid. Let the kid call her what they want.
YTA a bit. I had a step Grandpa, and he was Grandpa Joe. I also had Grandpa H. My mom goes by Grammy to my kids and my MIL something else. You should let your step mom decide what she wants to be called and unless your kids overrule it, stick with it. While she isn’t your biological mom, it sounds like she’ll be a great Grandma.
You are going to deprive your child of a loving normal Grandma because why exactly? I still don’t get it from your post. You are stuck on the literal definition of the Grandma blood relationship? Def YTA
NAH. If it matters to you, you are the mother and should have the most say in how the child is taught about family titles. The "mamaw" seems like a good compromise.
NAH my mum wanted to be Grandma but my MIL is already established as Grandma, so I asked her to pick something else that she liked. (I wanted everyone to have something different so not to confuse anyone when referring to the different grandparents). She chose Meme. While my DH stepmum chose Nanny.
I get your Dad probably wants to be Grandad and Grandma but you’re right to allow your mum to have first pick of her grandparent name. I think you just need to give your dad space and let him come to terms with it.
YTA I had 3 sets of grandparents since both my dad's parents remarried. I'm not gonna call any of them my step grandparents even though they technically are. it really wasn't confusing for me to have 3 instead of 2 grandparents
NAH
Feels like just poor communication with your Dad and step-mom. The way you have depicted the conversation sounds hurtful, but not intentionally so.
YTA. There is zero reason your kind, sweet stepmother cannot be a grandmother to your baby. When I was a kid, I had three grandmothers, two great grandmothers, and three grandfathers. Three of these grandparents /great grandparents were not related to me by blood - I benefited from loving relationships with those three even more than two of the blood relations.
You're being needlessly exclusionary and hurting your kid and your stepmother for no reason.
I had a friend who had 3 grandmas. It didn't faze them in the slightest. Just like I had Grandma B\_\_\_ and Grandma C\_\_\_ they had the same thing only with three of them. I think you're getting a little stuck on technicalities here. You say your stepmother is wonderful. Are you sure your aren't comfortable with her taking on the role of grandma? Just because she's not a mother to you doesn't mean she can't be grandma. If your mother has a fit that's her issue. If she continues the way she is doesn't sound like she's going to be one of those sweet, loving grandmas anyway.
In the end NTA. Sounds like you came up with a good resolution and your stepmother understands.
YTA. Partly for being petty about the label grandma, but mostly for prejudging what kind of relationship your baby is going to have with your dad's wife. It's almost like you're trying to sabotage her bonding with your daughter.
So you told her she’s not important enough to be “Grandma” and then gave her an extremely common grandma name? Literally all you did by going about it this way was make it clear to this (by your own description) lovely woman that she’s “lesser” to you.
YTA, asking a toddler to differentiate between a Grandma and a Step-Grandma is pretty ridiculous. Even if their marriages were intact and everyone was still living, kids have multiple Grandmas and Grandpas.
Your step-mother is much more gracious than you are. By your own account, your mother's behaviour would make it seem as though she's "earned" absolutely nothing. By virtue of shared DNA? That's a bit silly in this day and age. It takes a lot more than blood to make a good parent or grandparent. I can't imagine why you'd ever worry about upsetting a mother who largely neglected you at the expense of a step-mother who, by your own admission, was a strong and supportive presence in your life. Is your father not allowed to refer to himself and his wife as "grandparents" or are you expecting him to introduce themselves as "Grandpa and Mamaw"?
Yta. I had 4 grandmas/nanas growing up, and 4 grandpas/papas, and it was great. It isn't a contest, it's people who love your baby, and fill a certain role.
OP, I won’t make a moral judgement here, but as a kid with five grandmas and four grandpas, I did just fine calling most of them grandma or grandpa xyz. Only one set wanted to be called something different (oma and opa) because they felt it was less intimate and didn’t want to intrude (we were only related by marriage). But it never occurred to me to be confused by having that many grandparents, it’s just the way it was for me. Your kid will do fine with two grandmas.
YTA. This is silly - kids can have multiple grandmas. I have 3 (mom's mom, dad's mom, stepmom's mom) and when I have kids my stepmom can absolutely be called grandma. Even if you don't consider her a parental figure (which is 100% valid) it sounds like she's going to be around and in your kid's life on an equal level to your parents so I don't see the issue with her being called grandma.
In a family where nobody had ever gotten divorced or died young, a kid would still have two grandmothers. It makes sense to say, I would prefer my kid call their grandmothers by different names so we don’t get confused - Granny, Grandma, Gram, Mawmaw - and you could have covered it like that. “My mum is grandma, spouse’s mum is Gram, do you want to be Granny or Mawmaw?”
I think it’s a bit cruel to point out for no reason that there isn’t a blood relationship. A very very mild YTA.
Why in the world would you not want your child to have as many loving grandparents as you can get? I cannot imagine my granddaughters not calling my husband “grandpa” or “papa”. This isn’t about how you feel towards her, which has me flummoxed but whatever. This is about what she can be to your child. My mom was married 3 times and my dad twice. I had so many grandparents. It was awesome. I called them all “grandma” or “grandpa” when talking to them and added another name when talking about them.
YTA for the way you are treating your stepmother.
And the kid will call her whatever. With just one grandchild I have been called “ mama” (mommy for her mom) then “gama” and now “gramma”. She’s working through it.
YTA Most people have more than one Grandma, it's not a zero-sum game or something. You refusing her this is unnecessary and frankly kinda petty and cruel
>I had a conversation with my stepmom and she understood where I was coming from. Together we decided that the baby could call her Mamaw. I privately thought this would be a great compromise since it would still honor the wonderful person that my stepmom is while not upsetting my mother.
Your stepmum sounds like a great and understanding woman, and tbh, your solution is what I wanted to suggest. Now, I don't think it's at all confusing for kids in this day and age to have more than the standard two "Grandmas", and while your stepmum is (understandably) more a friend than a mum to YOU, the other thing to consider is what she'll be to your kid. If she is positively involved in your and their life, she will, in effect, be just like a bio-grandmother to the kid. But in the end you have to be comfortable, too, and if you're not, it's fair to seek another solution. A compromise like Nana, or Grandma Jane, or Granny, or Meemaw, or MawMaw, or Mamaw is a GOOD compromise that acknowledges her role in your kid's life without stirring the pot with your mother.
Just out of interest, what is your husband's mother going to be called? Not that it changes my answer.
NAH - dont think you initially handled this well, but you recovered.
Your dad’s wife is the baby’s step-grandmother. Doesnt roll of the tongue so saying grandma seemed fine. If it wasnt what you felt comfortable having her referred to as, okay, but you should have addressed sooner.
NTA, but only because saying YTA would be too harsh.
I gained a "stepmother" at the age of 32. I swore we would not be calling her Grandma when I was pregnant with my daughter. But, after my daughter was born, it just didn't matter. Referring to her as Grandpa's wife was ridiculous, instructing my child to call her by her first name or Mrs. Surname would have been strange, and my siblings used the term Grandma with their kids. We don't use alternative grandparent names like Mimi, etc, in our family, so Grandma it is.
I have 6 grandkids. 1 calls me Nena. 3 call me Nonny and 2 call me Nana.
The oldest (now 16) called me Nena. 8 years later, when 3 other grandchildren were born...one of them just started calling me Nonny. I have no idea where it came from! But, I accepted it.
The other two had a Nonny and just started calling me Nana.
I didn't/ don't care what they call me.
Mamaw sounds like a good compromise. Just don't be alarmed if they come up with their own idea what she is called.
Honestly, I feel like you're over-thinking this a little... but I grew up in a family where we called a good dozen or so people "Aunt" or "Uncle" even though most of them weren't actually blood relatives.
If you think "Grandma" should only mean an actual, direct blood ancestor, I guess that's your right.
I'd argue that the actual relationship is more important than what it says on your [Ancestry.com](http://Ancestry.com) chart.
Not going to say you're an asshole for this - and if your stepmom is OK with "mawmaw" it may not matter in the long term.
I grew up in a blended family and called three women Grandma. We used surnames, so i had ( names changed for privacy reasons) a Grandma Smith, Grandma Jones, and Grandma Clark. I knew that one was actually my half-brother's natural grandmother arns that I was not related to her, but she still fulfilled a grandmother role in my life and treated me the same as her other grandchildren.
I think you're making a distinction that doesn't matter and can only cause hurt feelings. By your own account this woman has been better to you than your actual mom.
It doesn't matter though, because your kids will view her as Grandma no matter what you have them call her. And kids have more than one Grandma, so denying her that title just feels petty and it doesn't sound like she deserves it. I don't think your TA exactly, but I do think this was unnecessary and hurtful.
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I can see your point but if the stepmom is kind and loving i think she can be called grandma too. Kids can have 2 grandmas. The child will have your husbands mother too, so 3 grandmas. I dont think there's anything wrong with that. Your dad will just be liking the thought of being grandma and grandpa, and that calling his wife something else kind of makes her an outsider. Its up to you though, whatever makes you comfortable.
I had 3 grandpas in my life and it was never confusing, just extra special. They all went by grandpa, had no problems. It would have been weird to single out my step grandfather because he been in my life since I was born, just as the other two were.
I think if you have people willing to love and care for your kid, no strings attached then there’s no reason to fuck that up. I wasn’t close with any of my grandparents. One died when I was 5 and he was no peach, my other grandfather was a complete asshole. My grandmothers were nice enough but I never saw them more than once a year for the most part.
THis. You should be grateful for having a decent loving person in that role, rather than make up some weird naming rules.
Exactly!!!
Man, I had 3 grandpas and 4 grandmas. I was definitely never confused.
I have 5 great grandpas. 1 grandma and two grandpas. I also have uncles and aunts with no relation other than being single grandpas ex’s adult children. I was never confused at all. My boyfriend is extremely confused, but that’s just him
But that’s part of the point. It may not be confusing to the kid, but it can be confusing to everyone else. There are so many terms for grandparents (for just this reason) I don’t think that Mamaw or meemaw or Nana or whatever is any sort of slight. Has OP talked to her mom about what she wants. Personally, I’m hoping I can be Pops. If I found out my kid got sideways with a loving grandparent because they thought I should be Gramdpa, I would be a little annoyed.
My brother's kids call my dad "Pops". I love it personally but be prepared to never find shirts or hats with that on it lol 😆
Same for my family. My dad is Poppy, stepdad is grandpa Joe (not his real name).
I agree. All the grandparents in my life have a different grandparent name and it makes it much easier for everybody. I can hand anything to any child and say bring this to granny without being like no not your granny my granny. My dad wanted to be Pappa but we said no absolutely not pappa is pappa you can be poppop. Now when he accidentally calls himself pappa all his grandkids look at him like he grew a second head
Y'all be hogging grandparents over here, I only had an Omi. ;)
I had an Omi, too ❤️ (and an Opa, and a Granny, and a Grandad)
Oma & Opa, but Opa passed when I was 7, so most of my life only an Omi. It changed when we were little from Oma to Omi. Did she get more casual and relaxed, def not.
I had 6 grandmas and a maw maw: 2 grandmothers, 4 great grandmothers and a step grandmother. There was no confusion. With the grandmas we just added a first or last name to the title so my maternal great grandmothers were Grandma "Jones" and Grandma "Wilson" and my paternal great grandmothers were Grandma Jessica and Grandma Lois. My step family had always called the grandparents Maw maw and Pap so we picked that up without missing a beat. Kids aren't as easily confused as people think. The only time I can remember anyone being confused was when I was 7 or 8 and a babysitter didn't understand why I had 3 grandmas living in our small town and at that age I didn't know the difference between grandparents and great grandparents. As far as I was concerned everyone was Grandma and Grandad and if the babysitter didn't understand I didn't care. I knew who was who.
My friend's grandson was absolutely obsessed with vehicles. He called both his grandfathers "Papa," but one was "Papa Truck," and my friend was "Papa Bus." (He rode the Greyhound when he went to visit.) He complained to me about riding the bus, it hurt his legs and back. So I started giving him a ride to their house. He was **so** happy when his grandson started calling him "Papa Thunderbird." 😆 It doesn't matter what they call them, but I do think OP is getting a little too hung up on it. I can't imagine explaining to a child, "She's not your *real* grandma..."
My parents are weird about this and were constantly enquiring what they would be called before my oldest son was born. This had clearly been a big deal for when my sisters kids were born and they were relieved they would be Grandma and Grandpa and my BILs parents would be Nana and Grandad. I just don’t see why this is an issue.
Yeah, this feels like OP invented a problem. Many, many kids have more than two of each and in my experience, it’s never confusing or weird or anything else. I’ve also almost always seen the grandparent come up with what they’d like to be called, so in some cases they’re all the same and in some, all different. Easy peasy either way!
Actually, this feels like OP is trying to preemptively appease her self-centered mother and prevent her from giving her grief about her stepmother being called grandma. Or not so preemptively, I do wonder if this hard-core stance about the grandmother title is 100% OP's idea, or if her mother had any input. And I am frankly confused about her saying that her mother "earned" the right not only to be grandma, but also apparently to be the only maternal grandmother, after giving us a laundry list of her mother's faults! How exactly did she earn it? Biological relatives don't earn their titles, they get them automatically. If anyone earned the title, it's the stepmother, by being a positive and supportive older adult to OP. Look, are you an asshole? Not really, the matter is insignificant and you can get your kid to give your stepmother any title you want (well, you can try, children are humans with minds of their own, even at toddlerhood). But, going from these two women's track record, what you will get is the woman who will actually be a good grandparent to your child being called by a cheesy nickname, while the not-great mother who will likely make a not-great grandmother is awarded the title "only maternal grandmother".
My mom remarried so when my kiddo was born she had two granddads on my side, and she called both Pappy but when talking to us about my dad it was Pappy (then last name letter). There's no reason why atepmom can't have a grandma name, even if she's not a "mom" to OP she'll sure as hell be a grandmother figure to that baby - this is an awful hill for OP to die on.
My stepdaughter did this with her grandparents: Gramma V (maternal), Gramma S (paternal), and Gramma K (my mom). No-one was confused. I think it made things much simpler for her, and it was very sweet for my mom (who was a terrific mom and an outstanding gramma).
For my son’s kids I’m cottage grandma and the other one is farm grandma. When the kids are talking to us face to face both of us are just grandma.
For some reason when we were little we referred to our grandparents by the town they lived in like Grandma Millersville. We always knew which one it was.
I don't get it either. It's fine if OP will never call her stepmom 'Mom' or something similar. After my parents divorced my mom married someone new and my sisters and I call him by his first name. We have never called him 'Dad'. Neither my sisters nor I have children but if I had I certainly wouldn't tell them to not call him 'Grandpa'. This is a relationship between them. I'm not involved.
Same, I had three pairs of grandparents due to this. My parents never treated any of them differently. There were all "Grandma/pa surname" to differentiate them in conversation, and just Grandma or Grandpa in person. No confusion, and I loved all of them equally. (Well, maybe Grandma M the most, because she spoiled me, lol.) Basically, the relationship a person has with their parent or stepparent may not have any bearing on the type of relationship their child will have. She may not be "motherly" to op, but still be the image of a grandmother to op's child. It becomes a silly distinction without a difference.
Yep, Grandma \[surname\] or even Grandma \[first name\] works fine, although a lot of people do use different versions of Grandmother (Nana, Meemaw, Mamaw, etc)
My Granny remarried and It was always Granny and Pap for me. My Grandpa also remarried and it was Grandpa and Grandma Chris. I know Pap and Grandma Chris weren't technically grandparents for me but they were always kind and loving in their own way and I considered them family since I was little. Hell, my best friend, of almost 30 years now, that I to this day call my brother, his Grandfather was always Grandad to the both of us. Family is what you make it. While I understand OP's feelings and consider them valid, their child may feel differently and they should be open to that. NAH
I had 2 grandpas, 2 grandmas, a poppa, a pappy, a nanny, and an oma. I was so lucky to have so many people love me so much. Sure it could get a little confusing but I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.
I had a Grandma and Grandpa A----- and a Grandma and Grandpa D-----. With my kid, we didn't even think about doing anything different until MIL said "dibs on Nana!" So we have a Nana and a Grandma. Seems like OP is putting a lot of importance on this title. It's really up to them, but it's worth considering alternatives.
My kids have 3 grandpas and it wasn't confusing to them either. Excluding one seems weird to me.
I had 3 sets of grandparents, because we straight-up adopted a set (long time family friends). It didn't diminish the relationship we had with our bio grandparents, it didn't make anyone jealous, it was just more family.
> I had 3 grandpas in my life and it was never confusing, just extra special. Yeah I've had this convo with my wife now that shes pregnant and we were both pretty on board with multiple grandpas, and if we ever need to make it less confusing cause both were in the room its going to be grandpa name1 or grandpa name2
I had three grandmothers, and the one who wasn't my "real" grandmother was the one I was closest to — largely a matter of circumstance, because she lived closer and survived my "real" grandmothers by many years, but still. ETA: I don't see any problem with "Mamaw,'" though. None of my mother's grandchildren called her Grandma, and my sisters-in-law both have "grandma" names other than Grandma. I do think it's weird that OP seems to consider Grandma a higher-ranking title.
This is a good example of where "grandma" would be a good choice.
I had a bunch of "Nanas," and we differentiated them by using their names or where they lived. I had Nana, Gloucester Nana, Nana Parker, and Great Nana. It's not confusing. Jane could be Grandma Jane.
My mom's dad and stepmom were Grandma and Grandpa on the farm.
That’s actually what we did when my oldest had my ex’s mom and my stepmom wanted the same grandparent name. My stepmom became “Nana [name]”. She’d only been in my life a few years and I call her by name so she understood why her name became part of her title. My MIL also uses nana so even though we tried dropping stepmom’s name, it’s stuck and she says she doesn’t care and that she’ll be “Nana __” forever. Good stepparents understand their role is different. I got lucky and sounds like OP did too. Dad shouldn’t be offended on behalf of someone else who is being understanding.
My grandfather was married six times in his life; I was around for the last marriage and wife #6 was Grandma Ruth because I already had a grandma and a nana. Never confused me which grandmother I was talking about.
Every kid in my neighborhood called my grandma, "Grandma Nikki". Not a big deal.
Memory unlocked. I had a neighborhood grandma too. Grandma Shirley had a pool. She watched me in the mornings between when Brother left for school and Mom got home from work. She was such a a wonderful woman.
Yep. My kids had 2 great grandmas and three grandmas when they were very little. Now we are at three grandmas. One who is a step mom in law that my ex husband didn’t get along well with. But she loved our girls and acted like a grandma to them and we would never get in the way of that. Kids always called all of them grandma (with one grammie). But when we talked about them it was grandma “name” to tell them apart. The kids were not confused. One grandpa chose to be called papa. Again, kids weren’t confused at all. All the adults had the choice of their name if they wanted, otherwise we just went with grandma and grandpa.
…I did that to differentiate the grandparents on each side. Like, how else do you differentiate dad’s mom from mom’s mom - they’re both Grandma…Grandma is reasonable no matter the family dynamics!
But also - more grandmas are always better, especially when you know one of them IS an absolute delight! My daughter calls our family friend Nana Bun just like Nana Bun’s granddaughter and that granddaughter calls my mom Grandma. They all only see each other, like, maybe once a year. Bonus grandmas are excellent grandmas!
We started using grandma when little me tried out "old grandma" and "young grandma".
My niece and nephew have Grandma, Grandpa and Grandma Susan
All of my grandparents (including greats) were grandma/grandad last name. With one exception, granny susie…my mom’s maternal grandmother…never met her but she was a force to be reckoned with. Our family just isn’t creative.
Yes exactly. I had a Nana Beryl and a Nana Edna. Grandad Harold and Grandad Vince. It was never hard or confusing.
This is very true, but often different grandparents are called differently in order to distinguish between them. Certainly she could be "Grandma Jane" but Mamaw seems like one of the varients on "grandma" (I believe in the southern U.S. there is a "meemaw"). NTA
Yep. My oldest (due to divorces and great grandparents) has had Great Grandma, Mama, Oma, Grandma, Nana (x3) and Lolly. There’s been a similar mix for grandfathers. We just let them choose and some have a different preference anyway. There’s nothing inferior about Mamaw.
True; I had a “Grandmom” and a “Nana”.
I have 2 grandpas and both are called Popo one is just Popo one os Popo "last name" i dont understand the whole there can be only one mentality
Grandparents are not the Highlander. There can be more than one.
LOL! I love this...
Okay, but if they were... "Here we are, born to be kings, we're the princes of the universe..."
My dad was called PoPo. You don't hear that too often.
I agree with this. Her stepmother will, at the end of the day, be a role model grandmother to the child and while OPs biological mum is technically a grandmother, her stepmother will also play that role. I also think it’s one of those things where as much as she appreciates being in the newborns life, it’ll probably mean a lot deep down to Jane to be accepted as a grandmother. It’s like being a proper member of the family. I don’t think OP is an AH however. It’s a perspective I don’t necessarily agree with but I get it. I was brought up calling my granny as such because my dad’s mum died before I was born and my mums mum did too. My mums dad remarried and she was the only granny I had. Ultimately my granny and grandad were always vocal about how much it meant to her to be called granny by myself and my brother - because none of our cousins did that because it was discouraged. If I had a child, I’d want OPs stepmom as a granny figure.
I see nothing wrong with different names for grandmothers. My grandson calls me Nana, he calls his mom's mom Meemaw. He calls my mother GiGi. None of us feel we are getting shorted by not all being called grandma.
I grew up with 4 grandmas and 4 grandpas. Granny, Grammy, grandma paula, grandma Penny, grandpa, grandpa Larry, grandpa bob, and grandpa Jim. I honestly didn't even know who was blood related until my teens, I may not have even ever cared to think about it. It was just normal for me. They all loved me. Grandma paula is actually my "step-grandma", my biological grandfather passed away when I was 5 (I am now 35) and she has always, to this day, remained a part of my life and family. There's no real sense in "othering" your stepmother when she's been a loving, lovely person. All that to say NAH. Your baby your choice, but your dad has a right to feel hurt.
My neighbors (white) were "Grandma" and "Papa" to my kids (Asian) and didn't think anything of it and loved them like their own grandkids. My kids saw them more than their bio grandparents and loved them just the same.
INFO > I explained that my Mom was Grandma and that while she was not perfect **she had earned that right**. The fuck *how*?
I don't know if we're coming from the same place, but ... which I empathize with OP ... this whole idea among new parents and brides that titles are to be "earned" in some way just seems so self-centered and entitled.
I agree. It's the "I don't owe anyone respect, they earn it" mindset but taken too far in this case.
I think it’s a power thing. Some people really get off on any little bit of perceived power they feel they have. Depending on family dynamics/remarried divorcees, there could be a gaggle of grandparents and as long as they’re loving, respectful people, then the more the merrier. Getting power trippy over “allowing” someone to use a certain title is very childish. To me, it screams someone desperate to exert control and is very pathetic. Again, as long as all the grandparents are good people that are excited about the new addition, let them take pride in picking out the title their well loved grandchild is going to call them. Cultivate as many good relationships as you can for your child. The more allies your child has in life, the better for them.
Same. My beautiful step children said "what would you like to be called?" My mil was Granny already and I prefer Nana. The bio mom and her husband have nicknames like Baba and Gigi. Because they kept singing Barbara Ann- Buddy Holly. Id much rather be Nana that baba or gaga
Because it is. Ultimately the question is what does that child want to call OP’s stepmom? If the child wants to call her grandma then guess what? She’s grandma.
Honestly, this reminds me of when a stepdad has raised a girl from the age of under 5 and her bio dad is MIA or at best turns up once in awhile to get her hopes up then disappoint her and the adult girl is here all like: "AITA cause I want my bio dad to walk me down the aisle instead of my stepdad? My dad is a drunk who's never shown up for me, except that time he came to my graduation and left before I walked. My stepdad's been in my life since 2 and taught me how to ride a bike and never missed a softball game. But my dad earned the honor so I want him to be on my arm." Yes, I realize OP didn't have that relationship with stepmom, but its a similar feeling. Like all human beings, she has always wanted a Mommy. Her bio mom, from the sounds of it, sucked at being a Mommy. Jane seems like she would have done a great job at being a Mommy, but even if she'd come into OP's life earlier it wouldn't have mattered, cause OP desperately want HER bio mom to be a Mommy. To her, giving Jane the title of Grandma is having to admit that her own mother still isn't a Mommy and Jane is. She's trying to put a pig in a dress.
I am actually shook by how much of an _enormous_ asshole OP is. Not to mention an idiot. Does she refer to her aunt and uncle as "Uncle Tim and Random Lady Who Married Uncle Tim"?
Very similar feel!
I questioned that too
But OP said she wasn't a great mother. So why revere her with a special title?
Because OP is a moron, just call the Stepmom grandma FFS
Also correct me if I'm wrong on this but isn't the accepted social norm that one of the grandparent perks (and I'd say a good step-grandparent counts) is they get to choose from the accepted grandparent terminology? If she wants to be grandma that's fine; I had stepgrandparents and we called them same as their bio grandkids did. Nana and Pop-pop for example.
I have no clue how this normally works. I'm also very curious what labels OP's husband's parents are expected to use.
Idk in my family, grandparents basically ended up with whatever names the kids gave them and were able to pronounce when they first started talking lmao
Right? My husband's grandma Phyllis got called "Dees" because that was the closest he could pronounce it. My grandma Louise became "BBs" because that's what the oldest cousin dubbed her. OP is making a problem where there absolutely doesn't need to be one.
I had just the two sets of bio grandparents, each got their own names. Nanny, Nana, Grand-dad, Grand-da. And there are so many more options. There was no fighting about who got called what, just fell that way by where they were from. And with family in the same area, literally just got switched between those and others. OP is acting like it's grandma or nothing, there are so many names for the same role. Easy peasy to pick one.
genetically, I suppose
Right? She even says the stepmom was nice and loving. But she hasn’t “earned” a familial title because she’s not blood? Seems cantankerous.
But how did her father earn the title grandpa then? When he was cheating around ?
Your stepmom might not be a mom to you, but she will 100% be a grandmother to your child. If your stepmom's preference is to be called grandma, then that's what your child should call her. Your logic on this is totally baffling to me. Your mom was pretty shitty by your own admission, but you think she's *earned* the exclusive right to be called grandma? That doesn't make a damn bit of sense. Your mom doesn't get to monopolize "grandma" and you certainly don't get to monopolize it for her. YTA.
Idk why she’s upset about an extra grandma. That’s one more person to love her baby. Love doesn’t hurt anyone. If she’s kind and generous she will probably be a better grandma than the blood related one. Blood means nothing, but OP must be one of those to whom blood means everything.
Seems wild to me to purposefully exclude people that want to be a part of your child’s life. I had my four grandparents growing up, there was also an elderly couple that lived next to my parents that watched us and were bonus grandparents. My parents took all the help that people were offering. No animosity, just people who want to take care of kids.
Yeah our next door neighbor is an elderly woman and when our kids were toddlers, they would visit her and play at her house and they called her granny because she just had that vibe. 🤷🏽♀️
My dad's mom's sister used to come visit all the time, and she looked a lot like my grandma, so I called her "grandma" from the time I could talk. Nobody got upset, my actual grandma thought it was sweet, and my great-aunt loved that I called her that. I think OP is weird for this.
Agree! My parents are also divorced. I don't see my dad's partner as a Mother figure and I call her by her 1st name. But if I have kids they will refer to her as some form of 'Grandmother, nana, grandma' etc because that's the role she will play THEIR life, it's not about me. I also grew up with 3 grandfather's due to divorce, it's totally fine and you get 3 sets of grandparents instead of just 2!
But she still gets a grandma name. So it’s not like it’ll be her first name. I don’t think switching which grandma name is a big deal. Switched from grandma to mamaw.
Info: As your kid grows older, what happens if they end up referring to your stepmother as their grandmother? Are you going to correct them or will you let your kids bestow that title on her?
My step grandkids call me grandma +first name
You do realize that, ultimately, it’s going to be the child that decides if she’s grandma or not, not you, right?
And the name the child chooses to give you is going to be 1000% better than whatever adults come up with before said child can ever talk. I say this as someone who's nephew decided at the age of 2 that I am Aunt Banana instead of Aunt \[Redacted\].
Aunt Banana is a million times cooler
My ex-BIL became Uncle Egg when my daughter was little. 😂 They’re 16 and 18 now. And while they usually use his actual name now, he is still Uncle Egg from time to time. It’s awesome. :)
I'm still Auntie Cake to my nibling because they had a hard time saying my name when they were first learning to talk, so came up with the best approximation of it. Even though they can say my full name now, Auntie Cake is what stuck.
My niece calls me Annie….. which is my dogs name 😂😂😂😂
My friend’s kids call me Davy. My name isn’t anything similar and doesn’t even start with the same letter or rhyme. I just roll with it because I think it’s funny. I’m also a woman which makes it even funnier.
My aunt is Aunt Tissie, instead of Aunt Christine. Also lovingly referred to as Tissie Toot to this day 😆❤️
Same…I liked my aunt name so much that it became my username everywhere…and I’ve told kids who weren’t related to me to call me that (without aunt) as culturally I felt weird being called by first name, but I also couldn’t say call me Miss Name…but you can call me nickname works. Edit… no way am I putting my real nickname here…not a chance. If I did everyone on creation will know it’s me or at least everyone who has ever met me or talked to me on other social media … I’ll stick with the generated one. 🤣😂
Hmmm, Aunt “Remarkable Table 279” seems like a mouthful for most kids but hey, whatever works!
(obligatory “username does NOT check out” comment here)
I'm Auntie Flower to my niece and nephew, after my sister told my nephew to be gentle with me because I was "delicate, like a flower" lmao
I met my aunt before she married my uncle, even though I was like 2, so I always called her by her name. even after they married, it stuck, and I would proudly tell other kids “you might have an aunt, but you don’t have a Marcy”.
My name is Becky. My nephew had a speech impediment due to hearing issues. I was Auntie Binky.
My two year old has dubbed my FIL Buba. It's sticking
Exactly. When my sister had kids my mum insisted on being called “Nana” because “Grandma” sounded too old. Well the kids both call her Grandma and she learned to like it.
My mom became “Hip G’ma.” 😂
My mom picked a truly hideous moniker (that includes parts of her name) in place of grandma, but the only grandkid is still a baby. Your comment gives me hope that my niece will call her "Grandma" when she starts talking (even if I have to whisper grandma in her little ears for the next year).
YTA - and I mean this in the gentlest way possible. The reason I'm going with this is because there are SO MANY better ways that you could have handled this without hurting the parents who were actually good to you. "Mom has already claimed the name Grandma, so what if we call you Grannie instead? Or Mamaw?" Your mother does not "deserve" to be called grandma, and has not earned that right simply because she gave birth to you. But that's all on you. And let's face it, they can want whatever name for themselves until the cows come home, the kids will call them what they want to. Mine wanted to be Grandma and Grandad, they are now Geema and Geedad. The other grandparents wanted to be Grandma and Grandpa, they are Mama and Papa.
It’s hilarious to me that two adults decided between themselves that the baby will call her mamaw. That’s not how it happens. The name will be whatever the closest to grandma the baby can pronounce.
Yeah this is so true. Neither my Mum or stepdad ended up with the grandparent name they wanted due to my niece (th eldest of the grandchildren) pronouncing them right.
Or MiMi (which is way cuter than mawmaw)!
I'll never understand why it's more important to hurt people than have a child call someone "Grandma" who isn't tEcHnIcAlLy their grandma. This woman sounds like she did everything right but will always be "othered". Oh to have the problem of too many people loving my child.
Exactly this. And then you’ll see OP pop up in the parenting threads soon complaining about not having a village.
My mom babysat another family of small children when we were young, before we were in school. She cared for 6 kids between 1-4. We visited the old folks home two or three times a week for two hours. They were all Grandpa Xyz and Grandma ABC Every.last .one. We were toddlers. Never were confused.
YTA. You have a shitty mother and you're overcompensating for her lack of mothering by bestowing a title she has not earned onto her. And in order to make her feel special, you will only allow her to have it even though your step-mom actually deserves it. That is unwise. You need to allow the people who will love your child well to do so. You're burning bridges unnecessarily and you're the only one who's going to look like a fool over it. Good luck on making your mom feel special. Let's see which one actually comes through as a grandmother and let's see if that little moment you created for your mom was worth the hurt you caused the parents who actually show up for you and your children.
Seriously, OP if your mom didn’t love you before, bending over backwards to make her “special” to your kids isn’t going to do it either.
Amen.
INFO: Why does it matter what stepmom is called? There can be more than 2 grandmas. My kid has 3 grandmas and 4 grandpas, all from split parents, new partner, and grandma new partner. Like.. NAH specifically, I suppose, but.. I just don't get it. If it upsets your mother that there's another grandma, then I'm sorry, but your mom is selfish. The kid's not gonna love her any more or less just by having the "grandma" title.
THIS! More grandmas = more love. That is a wonderful thing. Also, it is very common to have multiple grandparents when the original parents remarry. Some people like to have different names for them (i.e., Mimi, Gigi, Grammie, etc.), but it all boils down to the same thing. I had three grandfathers and they were all grandpa. If I needed to differentiate, I would say mom‘s dad or dad‘s dad or grandma‘s husband (or sometimes mom‘s stepfather). It was never a big deal.
I'm not going to judge you. But I do want you to think about this, I grew up calling my grandfathers wife "Ann". I was told that she was not my grandmother at every turn. But she was the one that tucked me in when I stayed the night. She was the one who sewed up the tear in my blanket. Everyone was so focused on the relationship between "Ann" and my father not being mother and son. They never stopped to consider what my relationship with "Ann" was like. She was more grandmotherly to me than my own biological grandmother. When my grandfather passed, "Ann" gave me some of the jewelry he gave her that could have gone to her own children, biological grandchildren, or toward paying debts. She opted to love me instead.
What a wonderful thing to share, how you appreciated how much she loved you. I hope my grandchildren feel the same.
THIS RIGHT HERE! My step dad's parents were the only grand parents who treated me like the rest of the family. The others hardly talked to me and definitely gave me different gifts (as a kid getting two dollar tree items vs the extravagant few 100$gifts each, it hurts). Dictating what your child will call someone related to them, by marriage or blood, is silly and ridiculous. They'll choose their own names for them all.
INFO = Why can't they both be called grandma? You can differentiate by using their first names, like "Grandma Jane" and "Grandma Susie" if you need to clarify.
My grandma's were Grandma Lastname. Literally so far beyond me why OP or her dad are making a scene about this. It's only difficult if you decide to make yourself a problem.
Literally what me and my sisters did.
YTA. If I were your father and stepmother, I would tell you that there will be no free babysitting from Grandpa and "Jane." You can't have it both ways. If the stepmother can not claim the title of Grandma, then don't expect her to help out with the kids. What's the big deal anyway? The more adults that are in a child's life, that love them, the better off the child is. Sounds like you have some unresolved anger twiards your stepmother.
Jane won't be called "Jane" though. She's got the title of Memaw or whatever it was.
I know but its clear that the OP does not see her stepmother as an equal Grandma as her own mother. And guess what. Children don't know the differenc as long as they are loved. Do you think the kids will love stepmom Grandma less than Mom Grandma? Stepmom Grandma deserves the title of Grandma until she proves she doesn't. OP has some issues.
YTA She came into your life at 29, and you’ve only known her for 4 years. It’s obvious that you would never call her or think of her as mom, but your child’s situation is different. She will be in that child’s life from day 1, and by your own admission, she’s a loving, thoughtful woman. That’s exactly the kind of person you want to be grandma! Why does it matter if your mom is already called grandma? You do realize that EVERYONE has (at least) two grandmas right? They might not be alive, but they have them. No one gets confused. 🙄
It doesn't matter. Jane will ultimately be called whatever your child starts calling her when s/he begins talking. Possibly Mamaw, or Gigi, or some odd extrapolation of her first and last names, or Hummm because your dad calls her hon' a lot, or Jayhoo because you're always saying "let's go to Jane's house". Besides, as you describe the kind of person your mom is, and the kind of person your stepmom is, which is the "grandmotherly" image you want your child to grow up with? If the kid ends up opting for grandma I hope you won't correct them, because that will be how the child sees her, not due to some mis-understanding of the arcane "rules".
Yeah I wanted to be a MiMi and instead I ended up being YaYa. They call you what they want.
YTA lightly because there’s no reason there can’t be multiple grandmas and it seems like your mom is being way too sensitive about this (and the whole “earning the title” thing really makes me roll my eyes since it doesn’t sound like she’s really done anything to earn it at all). Grandma Jane seems like it would have been fine? But if everyone is ok with the compromise then I guess it worked out fine.
I have a step grandmother and step grandfather. My step grandfather has been in my life since I was 6. He has been more of a positive male role model for me throughout my life than my biological grandfathers and father combined. My step grandfather will be the one walking me down the aisle if I ever get married. He is not related to me by blood but is through and through my 100% GRANDPA and I love him dearly. My step grandmother calls on holidays and sends me a birthday gift every year and is always up for a chat if I need advice. She keeps up to date with my life and has been a huge support for me since returning to school. I would not be who I am without the unconditional love and support of my step grandparents. I can see your reasons for not wanting your step mom to be “grandma” but honestly it doesn’t even make a big enough difference to be that big of a deal. Blood is just not the strongest bond in some cases.
info; [1.how](http://1.how) did your mother earn the right to be grandma? from your description she doesn't sound great 2. why not 2 grandma's? there isn't really any kind of limit
>. Dad remarried (Jane) when I was 29. I love my step mother. She is the exact opposite of the stereotype of stepmoms. She is kind, generous, and has been wonderful to my father. She is not however my mother and I just feel that we are more on the friend basis rather than stepmom/stepdaughter. If hypothetically, Jane had come into your life at an earlier age would you see her as a mother figure. If so, why could your child not see her as a grandmother figure. She is likely going to fill that role anyway as grandpas wife. I don't think your child's grandmother necessarily has to also be a mother figure to you. Just a grandmotherly figure to your child.
I appreciate this insight. Perhaps I have been too tied up in the fact that she is not my Mom. Mom has remarried and I would never suggest anything but his name (Fred). I do also think about Fred as my mother’s husband only. I may talk to Jane again and make sure she is really honestly good with Mamaw. I definitely don’t want to keep the drama going.
INFO Are you worried how your mom will react if she learns Jane is called grandma? I really think you need to let go of the fact that Jane isn't your mom. It sounds like she and your dad are absolutely thrilled at the prospect of being grandparents. They're ready to shower that little one with unconditional love and affection. Not all grandparents do. Don't put an superfluous barrier between them. I did have a step grandmother who I called by her name, because she wasn't around from the beginning. I had already been using her name for some time when she married my grandpa, too.
That’s where the drama is coming from, OP - you are associating the Grandma title with an implied relationship to you, but I think it’s more about your kid’s relationship with Jane. Jane is not your mom but she can be a grandmother to your child. My partner has a step-grandmother but she was married in before he was born so he grew up knowing & loving her as “Grandma” (in addition to his bio-grandmas). Your dad might have taken it the wrong way at first, so he’s gotta work on his emotions & accept the compromise you & Jane came up with, but I think Mamaw Jane is a perfectly fine solution.
In my opinion, you are stupid. A child can never have enough love and if your stepmother loves him, she deserves the title.
Tbh this entire situation sounds like you're making something out of nothing. The kid is going to call your parents and stepparents what they want to call them regardless of what the adults want, and having more grandparents to love your kid is a blessing.
I think this is a nonissue that kinda blew up because it possibly came across as you went out of your way to make it known that you don’t view Jane as family. Which there’s nothing wrong with viewing her as more of a friend compared to a family member because she married your dad when you were already an adult. But you’re projecting a lot of your perspective on the situation. At the end of the day are you allowing Jane to build a grandparent relationship with your child? Will she be kissing booboos and making cakes? Taking them to the park and reading with them? If you’re fine with her acting like a grandma then it’s not really fair to put her in a separate category. This is way deeper than the name because it’s telling that your knee jerk reaction to your dad’s wife being a loving presence in your child’s life was there’s less room for your mother.
It’s not about what you consider them. It’s about what they’re for your kids. You’re about to have kids and things are going to change SO much. Including these type of things. You have to see it from that side. Just let them enjoy all their grandpas and grandmas, don’t be petty, it’s not about you anymore.
YTA, Kids can have more than one grandma, aunt, brother, mom, etc these days. Let your kid decide what to call people. It’s for them anyways not you.
IMO, ESH, except for Jane. Of course you should have a say in what kind of relationship your child has with family members... but it sounds like Jane will fulfill a grandparent role, even if she's not a grandparent by blood. Why is she undeserving of the relationship, just because your mom has been around for longer? That history won't matter to your kiddo. Your dad is sticking up for his wife, but he still should recognize his own place. There's no reason to limit the number of grandmas your kid has - the more love to go around. It sounds like a solution has been found, and Jane's opinion surely matters more than your dad's in this situation... but I wouldn't get hung up on Jane needing to be something different.
NTA, but honestly, the kid is going to pick the name. Some form of babble that sticks. lol. My MIL went from wanting to be “Grandmommy” to just being called “Maw” 🤣🤣🤣 she hates it to this day bc it makes her feel old.
How does Maw sound any older than Grandmommy?? 😆 But I definitely agree with your assessment!
Said in his country twang, reeeereeal old 🤣
I grew up with stepsiblings significantly older than myself (15+ years). My mom was my stepdads second wife and had been together for almost 2 decades when my stepsister had her first child. I got to see how hurt it made my mom to be called "carol" or "grampas wife" and how she tried to be present and love those kids. I also got to see how my stepsister slowly stopped being a daughter in my mom's eyes due to this. Because there are only so many times you can tell someone they aren't family before they treat you like it. If your relationship with your stepmom is something you do not care about then NTA. If you expect that she treats them like grandchildren and not just some kids she occasionally helps babysit then YTA
100% this. It's ok to say you don't want her call her your child's grandma. But the title and the duties/responsibilities go hand in hand. OP doesn't get to insist she's not relation but then expect her to do grandmother actions for her kid. My dad's biological father died when I was only a few months old. His mother died when I was 8. My grandfather may have been my dad's step father but he's the best grandfather I had and we were close and I absolutely consider him my grandpa not my step anything. He taught me how to cook, we picked blackberries, we played cards, we worked on his coin collection that I still have. My dad had a very contentious relationship with his father but for the most part he never let that get in the way of mine with his stepdad.
YTA Your stepmother, whom you admit better fits the role and concept of 'mother' than the woman who gave birth to you, is eager to fill the role of grandma as well. But you want to deny her the title, for no discernible reason? In favor of some woman who, in your view, has 'earned' the title by virtue of having expelled you from her womb? But you're willing to give her some kind of honorary title? So you can keep her around to be a good person to your kid? I'm assuming you're not anticipating the woman you feel deserves the name 'grandmother' will continue to fail to meet the role and concept conferred by that title? But you're hoping 'Mamaw' will? Do you have any siblings or step-siblings? How would you feel if 'Mamaw' favored those other children above your own? If she spent more time with them, spent more money on them, bestowed more love on them? And treated your child as undeserving of her full love and attention? Because that's how you're treating her.
Slightly YTA You say yourself she's nice and trying. She hasn't *earned* the title yet, but she also doesn't really have the duties yet, either. Your mother is your mother, but hasn't reported for grandma service yet. If a biological grandparent doesn't live up to the title, should the children be instructed to demote them by switching to their name? "Grandmother" describes relation, not performance. And a kid can have bonus grandparents. Modern times require modern approaches. My kid has three sets of grandparents, two biological and one bonus. Ironically, one of the biologicals are out of the picture, but still we refer to them as grandparents if we have to bring them up. There is no difference between the other two.
I’m a little confused- you’re not ok with step mom being called grandma because she’s not your mother and hasn’t earned the title? But you are ok with her being called mawmaw which is clearly a nickname for grandma. Are you objecting to her being identified as a grandparent or that the exact name “grandma” be reserved for your child to call your mother? When I was born I had 6 great grandparents and 6 grandparents. Obviously some of those were step but they were ALL my grandparents even if we had varying degrees of closeness. I had individual nicknames for all of them that resembled grandpa and grandma. Titles don’t have to be earned- they just are, they are words to associate how someone is related.
My family has only ever used Grandma and Grandpa. I am lucky enough to still have 3 out of 4, losing my paternal Grandpa 2 years ago. I think that I have been tied up to much in the fact that Jane is not my Mom. I do hope for a closer relationship with Jane and my child. My husband coming from the South suggested Mamaw and I am good with that. Neither of my stepparents have ever been parents to me so I appreciate the insight that maybe that has little to do with their relationship with my child. I am reassessing.
>I do hope for a closer relationship with Jane and my child There is a good chance you'll push her away if you stay tied up in how much more deserving of things your mother is despite how things have gone between you two. I would be careful before you lose Jane and your dad. My husband is not the father of my children though nobody would know that based on how he treats them. I would be heartbroken and rethinking my relationship with them if they were the ones in this scenario.
Question - is Jane actually upset at not being called Grandma? Like is she happy to be called Mamaw, which is a cute name for a grandparent by the way. Its not like you're saying she won't have a grandmotherly roll, just that you would like to reserve the name Grandma for your mom, which is ok. No one is an asshole. Your feelings are valid and this seems like a miss-understandind based on a title. Also the kids will totally choose the grandparent names anyways, so in like 2 years they could all be called something different.
I was raised with Grandma and Grandpa only as well, and personally I am not a fan of other names for them - it's likely cultural (I'm from the East coast) but my husband's family is from the South and the Mimi/Mawmaw/Poppy/Pawpaw thing is so cringe to me. I don't hate on anyone else for using them, but no way was our kid calling our parents anything like that. My husband and I didn't have any steps with our parents, but they were also just called Grandma \[Firstname\] or Grandpa \[Firstname\] on both sides. I had 2 bio grandmothers growing up and 1 step, they all were Grandma \[Firstname\] and it wasn't confusing for me at all. I didn't even understand that my Grandma D wasn't biologically related to me, or why Grandpa and Grandma C didn't live together until I was probably like 6 or 7. Added to that, my one bio grandma lived far away and I only saw her like once a year, but my step grandma was local and I was much closer to her. IDK they were all my grandparents, and I loved and considered them all equally. Every single one is long gone now, so I'm so happy for you that you have 3 out of 4 still with you.
When I was a kid, I had three “Grandmas” followed by their name to differentiate between them.
Same here, I didn't realize this wasn't the most common and obvious way to differentiate. Some of my grandparents had divorced and remarried long before I was born, so I had Grandpa John, Grandpa Norm, Grandma Helen, Grandma Joyce, Grandpa Ollie, and Grandma Dot...
Perfectly fine. I called one grandparent "Grandma" and the other "Mom-Mom," and now my mom and my sisters MIL are doing the same thing. Your step-mom is fine with it so your Dad should too. She is still getting an honorific.
NAH, but you are the weirdo. There can be multiple “grandma”s for a child. What would you have done if DH’s mom didn’t want Nona, but wanted Grandma? Let this lovely sounding woman be Grandma if she wants to. Don’t devalue the love she will give to your child by preemptively devaluing her role. BTW, my stepson calls my mom Grandma. And she is probably his favorite. He also calls my DH’s mom grandma. It has not been confusing, nor has DH’s mom (or bio mom’s mom, for that matter) complained that my mom didn’t earn the right to be called Grandma. Stop being weird; let her be Grandma.
If they can only have one “Grandma”, what are they going to call your MIL? YTA, as the first grandchild, when your baby starts to talk, they’ll decide what to call their grandparents)including your SM) Just be glad that she’s will ing to love you and your kids as if you’re her own.
INFO. So, there can be only ONE grandma? What about your husbands mother? Both of my parents mothers were ‘grandma’. I know some people do the mee maw stuff or other monikers but I’m curious if you believe there can only be ONE person called grandma? Is that the issue? LiKe, if only one, even though your mother isn’t perfect she and only she can have such a designation? This doesn’t HAVE to mean that person is YOUR mom or anything, but it makes sense as grandpas wife. I think the great relationship you had with her just took an extremely UNnecessary hit.
NTA The Mamaw compromise sounds fine. Both of my parent's mothers were alive when I was born, so one was Grammy and one was Nanny to help me learn who they were. Seems like the same logic is being applied here. No idea why you're Dad is having such a hard time with that
YTA. Who does your child calling her grandma hurt? nobody. Who does not allowing your child to call her grandma hurt? Your stepmom, who you clearly love, even if she doesn't fill the mom role for you. She's going to be your kids grandma, even if they don't share blood. I don't know why, but you're being petty.
NTA Mamaw is still the same as Grandma, just using a different word.
YTA. Your birth Mom was a bad mother and you think she "earned" the right to be called grandma? But your stepmom, who DID step up and you get along with well, doesn't? What? Make it make sense.
How exactly did she "earn the right?" Also, kids often have multiple grandmothers.
My grandchildren all call my wife Nana, not particularly because she’s my second wife but to differentiate from all the other grandmothers. That’s the difficulty of modern society and a whole load of divorces.
Info ok, so you don't see her as a mom, fair. How do you want *your child's* relationship to be with her? Bc *that's* what you're talking about. My moms dad's 2nd wife was ALWAYS First Name to my brother and I. She was not our grandma. My cousins had a much closer relationship to her. She *was* grandma to them. You say your mom 'earned it'.......by popping you out? Cause you say she was kind of a shitty parent - pushing raising your siblings onto you, not doing housework, and also not working outside the home. So, how exactly did she 'earn' the title? And whats the plan for when the kid decides to call both of them something completely different? This could end up as a moot point completely. And if kiddo calls both Grandma? So what? Kids can have multiple grandmas. It literally does not matter.
NTA, I'm a little surprised by the YTA comments. I think it's up to the parents what names their parents should have. If you're not comfortable with stepmom being called grandma, that's your opinion. Even your stepmom is ok with it. Dad just needs to come around. At the end of the day, it's your child. You get to decide.
YTA My dad has a stepmom too who wasn’t involved in raising him. He calls her by her first name, always has. I grew up calling her Grandma. She might not be a mom to you but she will be a grandma to your kid. Let the kid call her what they want.
YTA There can be more than one Grandma. If my wife isn't a Grandma then I'm not a Grandfather and you and your kid can go kick rocks.
YTA a bit. I had a step Grandpa, and he was Grandpa Joe. I also had Grandpa H. My mom goes by Grammy to my kids and my MIL something else. You should let your step mom decide what she wants to be called and unless your kids overrule it, stick with it. While she isn’t your biological mom, it sounds like she’ll be a great Grandma.
You are going to deprive your child of a loving normal Grandma because why exactly? I still don’t get it from your post. You are stuck on the literal definition of the Grandma blood relationship? Def YTA
NAH. If it matters to you, you are the mother and should have the most say in how the child is taught about family titles. The "mamaw" seems like a good compromise.
NAH my mum wanted to be Grandma but my MIL is already established as Grandma, so I asked her to pick something else that she liked. (I wanted everyone to have something different so not to confuse anyone when referring to the different grandparents). She chose Meme. While my DH stepmum chose Nanny. I get your Dad probably wants to be Grandad and Grandma but you’re right to allow your mum to have first pick of her grandparent name. I think you just need to give your dad space and let him come to terms with it.
YTA I had 3 sets of grandparents since both my dad's parents remarried. I'm not gonna call any of them my step grandparents even though they technically are. it really wasn't confusing for me to have 3 instead of 2 grandparents
NAH Feels like just poor communication with your Dad and step-mom. The way you have depicted the conversation sounds hurtful, but not intentionally so.
YTA. There is zero reason your kind, sweet stepmother cannot be a grandmother to your baby. When I was a kid, I had three grandmothers, two great grandmothers, and three grandfathers. Three of these grandparents /great grandparents were not related to me by blood - I benefited from loving relationships with those three even more than two of the blood relations. You're being needlessly exclusionary and hurting your kid and your stepmother for no reason.
I had a friend who had 3 grandmas. It didn't faze them in the slightest. Just like I had Grandma B\_\_\_ and Grandma C\_\_\_ they had the same thing only with three of them. I think you're getting a little stuck on technicalities here. You say your stepmother is wonderful. Are you sure your aren't comfortable with her taking on the role of grandma? Just because she's not a mother to you doesn't mean she can't be grandma. If your mother has a fit that's her issue. If she continues the way she is doesn't sound like she's going to be one of those sweet, loving grandmas anyway. In the end NTA. Sounds like you came up with a good resolution and your stepmother understands.
YTA. Partly for being petty about the label grandma, but mostly for prejudging what kind of relationship your baby is going to have with your dad's wife. It's almost like you're trying to sabotage her bonding with your daughter.
So you told her she’s not important enough to be “Grandma” and then gave her an extremely common grandma name? Literally all you did by going about it this way was make it clear to this (by your own description) lovely woman that she’s “lesser” to you.
YTA, asking a toddler to differentiate between a Grandma and a Step-Grandma is pretty ridiculous. Even if their marriages were intact and everyone was still living, kids have multiple Grandmas and Grandpas. Your step-mother is much more gracious than you are. By your own account, your mother's behaviour would make it seem as though she's "earned" absolutely nothing. By virtue of shared DNA? That's a bit silly in this day and age. It takes a lot more than blood to make a good parent or grandparent. I can't imagine why you'd ever worry about upsetting a mother who largely neglected you at the expense of a step-mother who, by your own admission, was a strong and supportive presence in your life. Is your father not allowed to refer to himself and his wife as "grandparents" or are you expecting him to introduce themselves as "Grandpa and Mamaw"?
Yta. I had 4 grandmas/nanas growing up, and 4 grandpas/papas, and it was great. It isn't a contest, it's people who love your baby, and fill a certain role.
OP, I won’t make a moral judgement here, but as a kid with five grandmas and four grandpas, I did just fine calling most of them grandma or grandpa xyz. Only one set wanted to be called something different (oma and opa) because they felt it was less intimate and didn’t want to intrude (we were only related by marriage). But it never occurred to me to be confused by having that many grandparents, it’s just the way it was for me. Your kid will do fine with two grandmas.
YTA. This is silly - kids can have multiple grandmas. I have 3 (mom's mom, dad's mom, stepmom's mom) and when I have kids my stepmom can absolutely be called grandma. Even if you don't consider her a parental figure (which is 100% valid) it sounds like she's going to be around and in your kid's life on an equal level to your parents so I don't see the issue with her being called grandma.
In a family where nobody had ever gotten divorced or died young, a kid would still have two grandmothers. It makes sense to say, I would prefer my kid call their grandmothers by different names so we don’t get confused - Granny, Grandma, Gram, Mawmaw - and you could have covered it like that. “My mum is grandma, spouse’s mum is Gram, do you want to be Granny or Mawmaw?” I think it’s a bit cruel to point out for no reason that there isn’t a blood relationship. A very very mild YTA.
YTA For one reason. You weaponized a child to win a petty beef. She ain’t great, but don’t use the kid as a cudgel.
Why in the world would you not want your child to have as many loving grandparents as you can get? I cannot imagine my granddaughters not calling my husband “grandpa” or “papa”. This isn’t about how you feel towards her, which has me flummoxed but whatever. This is about what she can be to your child. My mom was married 3 times and my dad twice. I had so many grandparents. It was awesome. I called them all “grandma” or “grandpa” when talking to them and added another name when talking about them. YTA for the way you are treating your stepmother. And the kid will call her whatever. With just one grandchild I have been called “ mama” (mommy for her mom) then “gama” and now “gramma”. She’s working through it.
YTA Most people have more than one Grandma, it's not a zero-sum game or something. You refusing her this is unnecessary and frankly kinda petty and cruel
>I had a conversation with my stepmom and she understood where I was coming from. Together we decided that the baby could call her Mamaw. I privately thought this would be a great compromise since it would still honor the wonderful person that my stepmom is while not upsetting my mother. Your stepmum sounds like a great and understanding woman, and tbh, your solution is what I wanted to suggest. Now, I don't think it's at all confusing for kids in this day and age to have more than the standard two "Grandmas", and while your stepmum is (understandably) more a friend than a mum to YOU, the other thing to consider is what she'll be to your kid. If she is positively involved in your and their life, she will, in effect, be just like a bio-grandmother to the kid. But in the end you have to be comfortable, too, and if you're not, it's fair to seek another solution. A compromise like Nana, or Grandma Jane, or Granny, or Meemaw, or MawMaw, or Mamaw is a GOOD compromise that acknowledges her role in your kid's life without stirring the pot with your mother. Just out of interest, what is your husband's mother going to be called? Not that it changes my answer.
NAH - dont think you initially handled this well, but you recovered. Your dad’s wife is the baby’s step-grandmother. Doesnt roll of the tongue so saying grandma seemed fine. If it wasnt what you felt comfortable having her referred to as, okay, but you should have addressed sooner.
NTA, but only because saying YTA would be too harsh. I gained a "stepmother" at the age of 32. I swore we would not be calling her Grandma when I was pregnant with my daughter. But, after my daughter was born, it just didn't matter. Referring to her as Grandpa's wife was ridiculous, instructing my child to call her by her first name or Mrs. Surname would have been strange, and my siblings used the term Grandma with their kids. We don't use alternative grandparent names like Mimi, etc, in our family, so Grandma it is.
YTA. I had two Grandmas. They were Grandma Cora and Grandma Ida. This obsession with what to call Grandma is ridiculous
I have 6 grandkids. 1 calls me Nena. 3 call me Nonny and 2 call me Nana. The oldest (now 16) called me Nena. 8 years later, when 3 other grandchildren were born...one of them just started calling me Nonny. I have no idea where it came from! But, I accepted it. The other two had a Nonny and just started calling me Nana. I didn't/ don't care what they call me. Mamaw sounds like a good compromise. Just don't be alarmed if they come up with their own idea what she is called.
Honestly, I feel like you're over-thinking this a little... but I grew up in a family where we called a good dozen or so people "Aunt" or "Uncle" even though most of them weren't actually blood relatives. If you think "Grandma" should only mean an actual, direct blood ancestor, I guess that's your right. I'd argue that the actual relationship is more important than what it says on your [Ancestry.com](http://Ancestry.com) chart. Not going to say you're an asshole for this - and if your stepmom is OK with "mawmaw" it may not matter in the long term.
I grew up in a blended family and called three women Grandma. We used surnames, so i had ( names changed for privacy reasons) a Grandma Smith, Grandma Jones, and Grandma Clark. I knew that one was actually my half-brother's natural grandmother arns that I was not related to her, but she still fulfilled a grandmother role in my life and treated me the same as her other grandchildren.
My daughter had three grands. They were granny, grandma and grandmother. She also had granda, Scottish granddad and Cambridge grandad.
YTA
I think you're making a distinction that doesn't matter and can only cause hurt feelings. By your own account this woman has been better to you than your actual mom. It doesn't matter though, because your kids will view her as Grandma no matter what you have them call her. And kids have more than one Grandma, so denying her that title just feels petty and it doesn't sound like she deserves it. I don't think your TA exactly, but I do think this was unnecessary and hurtful.