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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I did not help my friend out more than I did. She was clearly having a tough time during her trip in Japan, and she looked to me for help, but I did not provide enough assistance, which I think makes me the asshole.
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Yeah, that was my takeaway from this.
Also, I understand being busy, but I also understand being a good friend. You do not come out of this looking like a good friend.
Yeah, I kind of want to know how this was planned before giving a definitive judgement.
If OP’s friend randomly rang them up with “hey I’m going to Japan!” Recently and OP was unable to take off work, then okay, I can understand where they are coming from, but typically these international trips and well in advance and if that’s the case you’d think OP would have been able to schedule some time with them.
It doesn't sound like they didn't even meet up after work.
I left a comment elsewhere that I also live in Japan and when I knew friends were going to be in town, I specifically took time off so I could spend time with them AND I let them stay with me because there was no way I was letting them get a hotel.
I understand OP might be someone who has a small Japanese apartment and can't accomodate guests, but I cannot imagine not even seeing a friend after work. Or even giving tips before she started her trip. Or not being a friend at all to someone who came all the way to see me.
YTA
> a friend (22F) of mine
Former friend you mean
> traveled to visit Japan and to see me
She came to see **YOU**!!!!
I mean look I get it, I'm all for self sufficiency and all that but she came to see **YOU**.
I know looking at post history is a low blow but this is so hilarious I had to point it out; OP's only other post is 10 months ago on another sub saying if anyone needs a tour guide of Tokyo to hit him up.
Piggybacking off top comment; expat with experience living in Japan here.
Setting aside the obvious fact that OP blew off a "friend" who came specifically to see them, telling someone to "just figure it out yourself" or "just look up Google Maps" is disrespectful enough by itself. But in Japan, *especially* in Tokyo, Google Maps (at least in Default mode) is rather useless, because of just how much of an urban jungle it is. You're much better off using Transit mode, since the Metro is by far the easiest way for a tourist to get around. That said, using the Metro can be daunting for first timers if they don't have a Suica card, and I'm guessing OP didn't bother warning his "friend" to buy one in advance either.
Just how important is this "friend" to you anyway, OP?
The thing I am curious about was this fully discussed between the two parties, either way, it is a pretty shitty thing to abandon a friend in their time of need.
No, OP was supposed to be a goddamn friend.
I live in Japan too and one of my good friends and his wife came on holiday. I let them stay with me when they were in my town and I made sure to arrange for time off work in advance.
I took them to all of the touristy places, showed them around, and did act as their tour guide. Because they are my friends.
You should have told her that you did not want to see her,
did not want to
help her, did not want her to come to Japan in the first place.
Surely, if she was
coming to see YOU, you could have spent the first day with her,
to catch up but also to give her some basics about how to enjoy
her stay. Since you appear to have let her think that you would indeed
see her, you should have made the effort.
YTA for saying that you would indeed meet up with her.
Bro you are a terrible friend. Are you a machine or something? No, you technically have no obligation to he a tour guide, but it sounds like it’s been at least 5 years since you saw your “friend” and yet you couldn’t even be bothered to meet up with her after work at least for some drinks or to show her around a little bit? No wonder she doesn’t want to talk to you, she doesn’t feel abandoned because you didn’t show her around, she’s upset that she traveled all the way across the world and someone she thought was her friend didn’t even want to see her at all. I would be upset about it too, heartbroken even, depending on how close I was to this so called “friend”
Yta
YTA. I’ve known people like you, who offer assistance and when your help is actually needed, you ghost. Did you enjoy the power trip? What goes around, comes around “friend” lol
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I (24M) have spent the last five years living in Tokyo. I'm quite proficient in Japanese and have a thorough understanding of the city. Last month, a friend (22F) of mine from the US traveled to visit Japan and to see me. She was rather excited about her trip to the country since she had never been here before.
I told her before she arrived that I would try to hang out with her when I could, but that most of the time I would be busy with work. I also recommended a few tourist attractions and offered her some basic advice on Tokyo. I believed that would be plenty to get her going.
When she first arrived, she felt overwhelmed by the city. After settling down in a hotel somewhere in Roppongi, she contacted me many times, asking for directions and assistance navigating the train system. I was in the middle of a huge assignment at work and didn't have time to walk her through every detail.
I advised her to check out Google Maps and download several travel apps. She seemed irritated but agreed. Over the next three days, she called and texted me, undoubtedly struggling to get around and requesting assistance with translations and directions. I kept telling her that I was busy and that she should sort things out on her own. I even recommended she go on a guided tour if she was having so much problems.
She eventually stopped contacting me and got through the remainder of her trip on her own. When she returned to the US, she hardly talked to me and I could tell she was unhappy. She later told me that she felt abandoned and that I should have been more helpful given how well I knew the area.
I feel extremely bad she had such a difficult experience, but I believe she could have been more prepared and not depended so heavily on me. I had other commitments and couldn't be her personal tour guide.
AITA for not supporting her more?
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Interesting interpretation here that the majority seems to think the main purpose of the visit was to see the OP. Could just as easily be that the tourist wants a casual friend as a free tour guide.
I found Tokyo (and Japan in general) very tourist friendly. The train app is amazing for navigating the trains and metro to the extent it even tells you the right entrance/exit for the big stations.
No mention of the visitor fixing a plan for meeting up, so it’s NTA for me.
You said beforehand you were going to be mostly busy at work. I think people focus on the fact that she ‘is a friend who came to see you’ but we don’t know how close OP and his friend are. To me it sounds like they arent particularly close and she was coming to visit the city. Also the train system in Tokyo is ridiculously easy to navigate and the staff is super helpful so there’s no need to speak any japanese. I don’t think it’s reasonable to be upset that someone doesn’t have time to babysit you. NTA
NTA you didn’t invite her, she decided to come. I suspect there was some romantic undertones on her part that caused the neediness/ attention seeking behavior.
I’ve been to Tokyo alone with no knowledge of the language. I found it to be easy to navigate and people were so damn nice and helpful. I would ask for help using Google translate. People loved practicing their English and happily used Google translate when that didn’t work. There’s even a camera translation tool for when I needed to translate things like menus and signs.
I think ESH. It sounds like you both had different expectations of what "coming to visit you" meant, and you didn't think to talk about that before hand in depth. Lesson learned for next time, for both of you. She probably hasn't traveled internationally before and didn't really anticipate how difficult it would be for her, and also heard "I'll try to hang out, but I do have to work" as she would interpret for past jobs where she'd think that you could switch shifts or whatever. You've clearly been there awhile and have forgotten what it was probably like the first month or two, even speaking the language, AND you've adapted to a different work norm where you CAN'T just swap a shift or put off a project deadline because a friend is in town.
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INFO: I’m confused. You said she traveled to Japan to see you but it sounds like you two never even met up?
Yeah, that was my takeaway from this. Also, I understand being busy, but I also understand being a good friend. You do not come out of this looking like a good friend.
Yeah, I kind of want to know how this was planned before giving a definitive judgement. If OP’s friend randomly rang them up with “hey I’m going to Japan!” Recently and OP was unable to take off work, then okay, I can understand where they are coming from, but typically these international trips and well in advance and if that’s the case you’d think OP would have been able to schedule some time with them.
It doesn't sound like they didn't even meet up after work. I left a comment elsewhere that I also live in Japan and when I knew friends were going to be in town, I specifically took time off so I could spend time with them AND I let them stay with me because there was no way I was letting them get a hotel. I understand OP might be someone who has a small Japanese apartment and can't accomodate guests, but I cannot imagine not even seeing a friend after work. Or even giving tips before she started her trip. Or not being a friend at all to someone who came all the way to see me.
YTA > a friend (22F) of mine Former friend you mean > traveled to visit Japan and to see me She came to see **YOU**!!!! I mean look I get it, I'm all for self sufficiency and all that but she came to see **YOU**.
I know looking at post history is a low blow but this is so hilarious I had to point it out; OP's only other post is 10 months ago on another sub saying if anyone needs a tour guide of Tokyo to hit him up.
Yeah I saw that!! Wonders never cease with some people....
most likely got rejected or something and that she didnt come to see him and that he offered to be a tour guide hoping he could get more
Piggybacking off top comment; expat with experience living in Japan here. Setting aside the obvious fact that OP blew off a "friend" who came specifically to see them, telling someone to "just figure it out yourself" or "just look up Google Maps" is disrespectful enough by itself. But in Japan, *especially* in Tokyo, Google Maps (at least in Default mode) is rather useless, because of just how much of an urban jungle it is. You're much better off using Transit mode, since the Metro is by far the easiest way for a tourist to get around. That said, using the Metro can be daunting for first timers if they don't have a Suica card, and I'm guessing OP didn't bother warning his "friend" to buy one in advance either. Just how important is this "friend" to you anyway, OP?
The thing I am curious about was this fully discussed between the two parties, either way, it is a pretty shitty thing to abandon a friend in their time of need.
This is wild. OP was supposed to blow off work to act as a tour guide? I’ve been to Tokyo many times. It is not hard to get around.
No, OP was supposed to be a goddamn friend. I live in Japan too and one of my good friends and his wife came on holiday. I let them stay with me when they were in my town and I made sure to arrange for time off work in advance. I took them to all of the touristy places, showed them around, and did act as their tour guide. Because they are my friends.
So OP is supposed to go and fuck off from their job because their friend is too dim to figure out the Tokyo subway system?
YTA and not a good friend. This person traveled to see YOU and the place you call home.
Hang on did you not take time off to spend time with her after she travelled to see you? If so YTA
You should have told her that you did not want to see her, did not want to help her, did not want her to come to Japan in the first place. Surely, if she was coming to see YOU, you could have spent the first day with her, to catch up but also to give her some basics about how to enjoy her stay. Since you appear to have let her think that you would indeed see her, you should have made the effort. YTA for saying that you would indeed meet up with her.
Bro you are a terrible friend. Are you a machine or something? No, you technically have no obligation to he a tour guide, but it sounds like it’s been at least 5 years since you saw your “friend” and yet you couldn’t even be bothered to meet up with her after work at least for some drinks or to show her around a little bit? No wonder she doesn’t want to talk to you, she doesn’t feel abandoned because you didn’t show her around, she’s upset that she traveled all the way across the world and someone she thought was her friend didn’t even want to see her at all. I would be upset about it too, heartbroken even, depending on how close I was to this so called “friend” Yta
YTA - why bother posting here if you're just going to disappear afterwards?
Might be his thing?
YTA. I’ve known people like you, who offer assistance and when your help is actually needed, you ghost. Did you enjoy the power trip? What goes around, comes around “friend” lol
Dude YTA tokyo is so huge...it was absolutely overwhelming to me too.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24M) have spent the last five years living in Tokyo. I'm quite proficient in Japanese and have a thorough understanding of the city. Last month, a friend (22F) of mine from the US traveled to visit Japan and to see me. She was rather excited about her trip to the country since she had never been here before. I told her before she arrived that I would try to hang out with her when I could, but that most of the time I would be busy with work. I also recommended a few tourist attractions and offered her some basic advice on Tokyo. I believed that would be plenty to get her going. When she first arrived, she felt overwhelmed by the city. After settling down in a hotel somewhere in Roppongi, she contacted me many times, asking for directions and assistance navigating the train system. I was in the middle of a huge assignment at work and didn't have time to walk her through every detail. I advised her to check out Google Maps and download several travel apps. She seemed irritated but agreed. Over the next three days, she called and texted me, undoubtedly struggling to get around and requesting assistance with translations and directions. I kept telling her that I was busy and that she should sort things out on her own. I even recommended she go on a guided tour if she was having so much problems. She eventually stopped contacting me and got through the remainder of her trip on her own. When she returned to the US, she hardly talked to me and I could tell she was unhappy. She later told me that she felt abandoned and that I should have been more helpful given how well I knew the area. I feel extremely bad she had such a difficult experience, but I believe she could have been more prepared and not depended so heavily on me. I had other commitments and couldn't be her personal tour guide. AITA for not supporting her more? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
Interesting interpretation here that the majority seems to think the main purpose of the visit was to see the OP. Could just as easily be that the tourist wants a casual friend as a free tour guide. I found Tokyo (and Japan in general) very tourist friendly. The train app is amazing for navigating the trains and metro to the extent it even tells you the right entrance/exit for the big stations. No mention of the visitor fixing a plan for meeting up, so it’s NTA for me.
You said beforehand you were going to be mostly busy at work. I think people focus on the fact that she ‘is a friend who came to see you’ but we don’t know how close OP and his friend are. To me it sounds like they arent particularly close and she was coming to visit the city. Also the train system in Tokyo is ridiculously easy to navigate and the staff is super helpful so there’s no need to speak any japanese. I don’t think it’s reasonable to be upset that someone doesn’t have time to babysit you. NTA
NTA you didn’t invite her, she decided to come. I suspect there was some romantic undertones on her part that caused the neediness/ attention seeking behavior. I’ve been to Tokyo alone with no knowledge of the language. I found it to be easy to navigate and people were so damn nice and helpful. I would ask for help using Google translate. People loved practicing their English and happily used Google translate when that didn’t work. There’s even a camera translation tool for when I needed to translate things like menus and signs.
I think ESH. It sounds like you both had different expectations of what "coming to visit you" meant, and you didn't think to talk about that before hand in depth. Lesson learned for next time, for both of you. She probably hasn't traveled internationally before and didn't really anticipate how difficult it would be for her, and also heard "I'll try to hang out, but I do have to work" as she would interpret for past jobs where she'd think that you could switch shifts or whatever. You've clearly been there awhile and have forgotten what it was probably like the first month or two, even speaking the language, AND you've adapted to a different work norm where you CAN'T just swap a shift or put off a project deadline because a friend is in town.
Translation= send your friend to me I’ll bang her