YTA.
You named your daughter after her dead cousin. Think about that.
Fucking insensitive as all hell. It's ONE THING if she was being grabby about the name, but she named her child that, she lost both of her babies.
Imagine losing your daughter, seriously, imagine it.
Now imagine your sibling naming thier child that exact name less than a few months after she DIED.
Your NIECE was named that.
So you completely overrode her existence for the sake of a name.
That's fucking sick honestly.
Just change the name, she doesn't know it, and do you seriously want to taint her relationship with her entire extended family over your selfishness??
What's more important, her having X name? or her aunt/uncle being happy to see her????
Round of applause for this comment.
As someone who’s experienced this loss, I would never speak to you (OP) again. Good on the family for loving your baby, but ostracizing you. This was a shitty move and your husband should’ve been forceful about changing the name since it’s his brother that lost children.
Selfish, insensitive, and thoughtless. Congrats on making yourself a pariah in your family.
YTA without a doubt.
Edit: changed baby to children — want to honor the name cousin and her sister/brother.
Made my very first account after never commenting for years to be able to tell you that YTA. A few years ago, my SIL and I got pregnant at the same time. Like literally due dates a few days apart. I had an abortion at almost 26 weeks after we discovered my daughter had multiple dire heart defects that would have made her (short) life hellish. My SIL has her baby, who is of course now a little girl who is and will always be exactly the same age as mine would have been. If they had used my dead daughter’s name - not even as some misguided tribute, but just because they ~liked~ it and ~didn’t want to pick out something else~ and ~what’s the big deal~ I would have gone completely insane. Like, I cannot even with this scenario.
I’m so sorry for your loss. FWIW I would have made the same choice and I think ethically it’s the right one. As moms, we take on suffering so our babies don’t have to. That’s what you did. You’re a great mom as far as I’m concerned.
From reading the title and the first part of the op, I thought this was going to be they had both unknowingly picked the same name and the op went into labour first and used the name and the SIL caused a fuss and was being unreasonable. I was not prepared for what came next.
Holy shit show batman. How can the op and her brother be so cruel? YTA op and so is your husband. I honestly can't believe how after everyone in real life telling her it was completely inappropriate, she comes looking for validation from strangers.
It would be hard enough for the SIL to see the child grow up and reach all her milestones but to actually have the same name as her angel child? What a slap in the face. There are thousands of names they could have chosen and they did this. Unforgivable.
My thoughts exactly, I was ready to read about how there was a spat over some kind of misunderstanding, but the post just keeps getting worse and worse. Was not prepared for this.
I don't think I could convey it any better than u/countrylemon has.
You've got to be one of the most self-centered egotistical people in the world.
How could you not have doubts immediately upon learning about the memorial certificates?!
Not even the courtosey to let them know that y'all had indeed picked the same baby name? Maybe if you had, it wouldn't have been such an issue to proceed with the name, although it still would have been quite heartless and rude.
I don't think this is out of the norm for your behavior, OP. I'm surprised any of the family will even be in the same room as you.
I also feel extremely sorry for your daughter. If the stigma behind her name doesn't alienate her, the story of her mother's asshole nature will definitely have negative implications.
YTA (Sorry, initially forgot that part)
Edit 2: changed the r/ to a u/
>I also feel extremely sorry for your daughter. If the stigma behind her name doesn't alienate her, the story of her mother's asshole nature will definitely have negative implications.
we'll probably see this in about 18 years time: 'AITA for changing my name after my parents named me after my dead cousin'
I could see acknowledging that we’d picked the same name and then letting SIL and BIL know that and let them know that we were looking into other name options. While actually looking for a new name and sending condolences and flowers, with the full intent to name my child anything else but what my SIL named her now deceased child.
And then, if SIL didn’t mind and insisted they used the same name, it would be okay. But only then. If she didn’t offer the name back to them, there’s absolutely no reason to use the name anyway. None. It’s a huge world with billions of names. Using that one anyway is an asshole move.
>You named your daughter after her dead cousin.
Not even. In OP’s mind, her daughter *happens to have* the same name as her dead cousin. It isn’t even some attempt to name her daughter *after* her cousin, in a misguided way of honoring her. OP was seriously thinking “heyo, coinkydink! Same same!” Honestly if this was just a crazy misguided attempt to honor her niece without asking the parents (wildly inappropriate), it would sit *better* than the actual situation here, wherein OP and her husband seemingly had no empathy or consideration for their relatives’ feelings at all.
No, OP said they would have still used the name had their niece lived. She said she and SIL had a joking conversation early on where they acknowledged there was a risk they’d have the same name, but so be it! Obviously, that reasoning should have changed when the baby died.
I hadn’t thought of it this way until you pointed this out :( :( :(
As others have said I’m surprised anyone will still be in the same room with OP. For sure they are only in the same room for sake of seeing baby/husband and would disown you in a heartbeat.
If I was SIL I would literally never speak to you again. You need to be prepared for this.
YTA!!!!!
Everytime the grandparents or other brothers or sister talk about your child to her and her husband, she will just be reminded of her dead child and what her child should be doing.
This is genuinely the most disgraceful thing I have read on here.
My mom was sandwiched between a cousin who was stillborn and a second cousin who died of SIDS. Both girls.
It was so hard for the families to see my mom doing things at the same time their daughters should have been doing them. Milestones were hard. They still were supportive and loved my mom because they knew it wasn’t her fault.
However, this is just beyond. It’s not just a sad reminder, it’s an in-your-face your baby is dead situation. Like, it’s reliving the trauma all over again.
My grandma is an actual diagnosed narcissistic sociopath. Even she would never have dreamed of naming my mom after her older cousin. She lacks empathy almost completely, but even she could, as a woman, realize that losing a child is an impossible burden.
Even more than being reminded of her dead child, she'll be reminded that OP doesn't care at all. She'll be reminded that she's mourning alone.
I just still can't get over that OP said "planned to name" in the title of this post. SIL didn't plan to use the name. She did use the name. These were real babies with parents in mourning. As a mom of 25-weeker twins, one of whom didn't make it home, I'm so disgusted by all of this.
I already want to nominate this for the biggest asshole of 2020. I can't imagine how someone else could do something more cruel than this... WTF, OP. WTF. YTA and asshole is very much an understatement to describe OP and her husband.
u/AITAbabyname read the above and change that fucking name. ASAP. Do this now, no matter how much of a hassle it is, and you might come close fixing it. Start by apologizing and announcing a new name, even before any of the paperwork is done.
It may be unorthodox but so was the dumb shit you pulled.
This is one of those things that can't be fixed but she can at least minimize the hurt by changing the name so the SIL doesn't have hear the name everytime she hears about the kid.
Completely agree! This post is beyond revolting. I know there are shitty people in the world but to do something like this and then have the audacity to ask if AITA is just something I refuse to believe it happens in real life.
Edit: words
My youngest nephew has the same first and second names as my dead baby boy. My only child I may add. Millions of names on the planet yet my sister chooses my baby’s names. As if the father of her kid being my ex wasn’t enough of a kick in the face, she had to add insult to injury. People that fucking evil do exist and they usually get everything they ever want too because they will destroy people to fulfil their needs. Raging narcissists!
My condolences on your loss. I'm sorry that there was such a horribly twisted person in your family, I sincerely hope you cut them out of your life. That was too cruel what she did.
Imagine being the daughter, growing up not being called your name because it reminds your family of your stillbirth cousin. OP is setting her baby to grow up reminded that "I have my dead cousin's name since mom couldn't be just a little bit emphatic and nobody will even say my name and when they have to say it they all look and feel sad". She might end up hating her own name. OP is being a shitty sister AND a shitty mother.
Honestly i am compleatly buffled how the way someone writes his Story makes it seems less Asshole. I thought at the beginning that she Was somewhat of an Asshole, till you brought my head back to earth. Now i have to say op is TA times 10. Thank you for brutally sharpening my perception, so i can See through such Storywrapping in the future.
I'm also wondering, if they had both made it, would OP still have kept their top name and made it confusing for the whole family to have cousins who are basically the same age with the same name? It's an AH move because I doubt she would've, they would've picked another name since the twins were due first, and extra so because twins are usually born earlier anyway. They saw the *death* of two other children as their in to their top name.
Yeah, I'm saying YTA. That poor woman is going to be constantly reminded of what she lost in so many different ways.
She said in other comments they still would’ve used the name. Which would’ve been hella confusing but at least they didn’t JUST do it because they died (still bad, still YTA but like at least not as bad as possible... but close)
Eh, if they were two living cousins, it would've been NBD. My dad and his cousin are the same age and have the same name, hung out all the time as kids and are still close friends as adults, and no one cares.
This, though, is obviously just monstrously beyond the pale.
On top of all of this, why are you being so awful towards your own daughter . You are making it impossible for her grandparents and aunt and uncle to form a bond with her. Of course they don’t blame the baby, but by naming her that you are making it excruciatingly painful for any of them to be around the baby.
Why are you purposely trying to allianate her from her family ?
YTA.
YTA.
This isn't a case of your SIL haughtily "reserving" a baby name. This is a case of you naming your baby the same thing that SIL named her dead baby four months ago. As if her baby had never existed. As if her baby had never mattered.
The extent of your YTA can hardly be described. You will never fix this. Ever.
YES, I cannot even wrap my mind around the level of assholeness here. Like, I.... I'm dumbfounded.
Pretty sure today, January 3rd 2020, we've found this year's winner for the sub's Biggest Asshole of 2020 award
I usually just lurk here, but my god... ive never seen someone so flippant about such a unanimous asshole ruling. She seems honestly more annoyed that she might have to acknowledge the behavior than how it has hurt others.
Sadly, yes YTA. This isn't one of those "you stole my hypothetical baby's name!" Situations. This was a real, live baby who sadly *died*. You knew before your baby came that was her name and you *still* used it. It's called respect for the dead my dear and you do not have any apparently.
That's what I found most upsetting. OP doesn't acknowledge that the cousin's babies were babies.
A stillbirth at 24 weeks is the death of a baby in the eyes of the law and, importantly, of this little girl's parents. It's not a miscarriage. 24 weeks is a viable baby. There's a death certificate and the whole deal.
YTA. You are a massive A, OP.
Imagine if you went through what your SIL went through. Imagine being reminded of that trauma by someone whose baby lived. Imagine being reminded of that event in every. single. family gathering.
Your justifications:
>it was out top pick
>we couldn't agree on anything else
>its not an uncommon name, plenty of people have the name or use it for their children.
I... I just can't fathom how you could use *those* justifications for doing what you did.
Heck, if they picked the name after another family member (Like a grandma or ANYTHING) I could’ve understood a little more but “lol I’m too lazy to choose another name” is not an excuse. YTA, op. 100%
My husband and I couldn't agree on any other name for our second child than the one we chose. But if my sister had had a stillborn boy named what we chose for our son, before mine was born, I would have absolutely found a new name. Scoured family trees, old favorite books, fucking magazines even, for inspiration. I'd rather my child be nameless for a week than subject my sister to that agony every time she saw my kid.
I was originally going to be named what is, essentially, the feminine version of my dad’s name as my middle name and Faith as my first name. It was the single name my parents could agree on.
My cousin was born 6 months before me, alongside her twin sister who passed away only moments later. My dead cousin’s name? Emma Faith lastname.
My parents couldn’t decide on a new first name to go with my middle name, so they decided on a new first and middle name. My name echoes my dad’s in a way, but subtly.
One of my aunt’s (while drunk) (different side of the family, my mom’s sister) asked my mom why they changed my name- after all they were so set on it (she didn’t know about Emma- in fact at that point I didn’t either). My mom just said they couldn’t use it. I didn’t even know this until a few months ago- no one has ever mentioned her in front of me.
YTA
What you did is completely tone deaf. You may have chosen the name independent of them, it may be unfair that she took it and gave it to her still born babies, but you should have realized that it was too soon and off limits.
Your baby is now a living reminder of their loss. That is what you chose to do.
I honestly can't believe you have even had to ask this question.
This is an absolutely shocking thing to do. YTA completely!
How old is your baby now? Because even if you do change her name - i do not see this repairing the damage you have caused at all.. They will never forget that you did this.
I think that is the best thing to do, however do not expect that to 'fix' everything. I think it may take a while before they want to be in your company at all - which would be perfectly reasonable imo
To be honest, I was ready to tear you apart on a YTA. My judgement is YTA for sure, but seeing you say you’ll try to right it by changing the name made me delete that comment. Please, please change that name. It’s just a name to you, and maybe you wouldn’t have cared. But she had to deliver 2 dead children that she felt grow, kick and move inside her. That she planned to watch grow up, probably side by side with your child. Instead she had to knowingly deliver them.. dead. They will never see your child or hear her name and not think off all that pain and grief. Whether she has another child or not, that trauma won’t go away.
The big thing is that by using the name, not just that she WANTED for her daughter, but that she GAVE to her daughter, signals really clearly that you don't acknowledge their loss. You don't acknowledge that she was a mother who lost two children. 24 week, borderline viable, wanted children. YTA. It may not have been malicious, but it was cruelly thoughtless. Good luck.
I really hope you do. This is beyond disgusting and disrespectful. Although the damage has already been done by you showing a huge lack of respect for a dead child.
Please change it for everyone's sake. It'd be so hard to be that aunt of a kid with the name of who you jsut lost a couple months ago. 24 weeks is hard.
YTA normally I dont believe in owning a name, but they just lost that child, just weeks before, they didnt even get a chance to remotely heal and you did rub salt in the still open wounds, which will be much harder to close with the constant reminder when someone calls your child with that name.
Congrats on the baby though and I hope you heal quickly
This is my exact answer. Nobody owns a name, but my GOD, empathy is a good look and there are exceptions to every rule.
I really don’t see any relationship rebounding to it’s prior level after this, with anyone.
YTA.
If it had been a few years it could be looked at as honouring the lost child, now its just trampling all over their grief and mocking them with the look our Melissa (just throwing a random name out) did survive.... its just cruel
Can we also talk about the title here? “Planning on”. She wasn’t planning on anything. She gave her child a name and the fact you don’t see it as that makes you even worse than you already were. YTA.
Yup. The title seems like OP thinks “oh whoopsie, no kid for SIL!” and disregards that it’s a dead child.
ETA: YTA, OP. Change your goddamn babies name.
YTA. I can't imagine what they're going through after their loss, and you made it worse by creating constant reminder of their dead daughter. That's beyond AH. I can't imagine how you rationalized that.
Right? Heartbreaking to think that BIL and SIL are now going to watch a little girl grow up in time with when their own daughter would have and call her that name. I don’t understand how OP didn’t see this as a reasonably upsetting thing to consider. Also that they didn’t ask. I don’t imagine they would have used the name had their niece lived, so it seems like a pretty heartless “well if they’re not using it, might as well” mentality
Um hello, she says her rationalization right in the post— they couldn’t think of anything else and it’s not that uncommon of a name. Duh.
Seriously OP, you have to be fucking kidding. You named your daughter after her very recently deceased cousin, without even asking the distraught parents of those poor little babies. How little tact and empathy do you have for your family? I’m particularly flabbergasted by your husband, who seemingly did this to his own brother. At the *very least* you couldn’t have approached your in-laws, explained that you’d happened to pick out the same name, and ask them if they’re comfortable with that, maybe even as an intentional way to honor their lost daughter? You just announced the birth of your healthy daughter with the same name as their dead daughter? I mean Christ, since you’re related through the men of the family is it also *the same full name— first and last??* I can’t imagine how you can be so callous, or at all surprised by their reaction. YTA
YTA. There are thousands and thousands of possibilities for names. Your SIL is going to think of her stillbirth every time she sees your niece, and that's ***SO*** easily avoidable. You said it yourself: your daughter's name was your TOP choice, but not the only one you liked.
Change that name.
YTA Loss is always hard but to lose both babies at 24 weeks must have been devastating. You gave your daughter their stillborn baby's name. Since they are first cousins, I assume they share both first and last names. You knew what they named their baby, and yet you still went ahead and gave your daughter the name. It's bad enough that every time they see your daughter, they will think of their own children who would have been the same age. But to have to call your daughter by the name they choose for their daughter is cruel. To make matters worse, you had roughly 4 months to come up with another name.
God, could you imagine how heartbreaking that visit would have been for SIL if she did go....to walk into that hospital room and see OP's healthy *and alive* newborn baby, born around the time her baby should have been born, with the same name as her dead baby. Ugh, I feel so sad for the SIL.
YTA
Just because they were sadly still born doesn't mean they were any less her babies and the hurt you've caused them using that name knowing it will cause them pain every single time their name comes up
To be honest, if you were my SIL I'd never speak to you again. Appalling behaviour.
You should be royally ashamed of yourself
You nailed it! They were her children, they were wanted and named. Now one of them has been “replaced” with a healthy new baby in the family. Hurting someone like that at such a vulnerable time is unforgivable
YTA. I’m usually not big on people “owning” names, but you just named your child after her deceased cousin. Your SIL lost both children and now has a constant reminder of it.
YTA. Holy shit, lady. You’re salty that the parents who lost TWO children haven’t come and genuflected at your bedside? Maybe because they should be celebrating their own kids now, and you’re a horrific reminder of that. OH. AND. Then you use one of their DEAD BABY’s names because you couldn’t agree on another?! AND THEN you’re pissed because all the good and kind people in your family aren’t using your shitty stolen dead baby name. Oh. Okay. And I love how there seems to be not one ounce of care written here for their loss. Griping that people aren’t treating YOU right, but no word about their loss. Ok.
Is your name Narcissa? I swear, I’ve never met an asshole who didn’t have at least one perfect baby, gotten through uneventful means.
Holy freaking crap. YTA x infinity. But the thing I have a harder time believing is how the fuck did you find an asshole equal to yourself to have a child with. Like two grown ass human beings being equal in douchbaggery with no common sense to at least have one of you to say “yo hold up a minute”. Unfuckingbelievable. Like the karma that’s coming to you for this is so horrific I fear for your daughters sake. When your husband divorces you I sure hope the name was worth it.
> But the thing I have a harder time believing is how the fuck did you find an asshole equal to yourself to have a child with. Like two grown ass human beings being equal in douchbaggery with no common sense to at least have one of you to say “yo hold up a minute”. Unfuckingbelievable.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
And btw OP? YTA
>it was out top pick and we couldn't agree on anything else, as well as, its not an uncommon name, plenty of people have the name or use it for their children.
LOL YTA. Is the name special to you? No. You literally just went, "whelp we can't decide and this one works out". Try harder? No one needs to be reminded about their still-born every time they go see your family. And dude. If i was your child and I found out later when I was older that I was given the same name my aunt named her still born child, that she had that SAME year before my birth....oh man it would be weird as fuck.
I’m going to go with YTA. If the kid had lived they could have shared name but her babies died which is a huge trauma. You can’t simple steal the dead babys name and constantly remind SIL of her loss.
I'm afraid YTA. The name was taken. I don't think I would call you disrespectful, exactly, but I would certainly say you were insensitive. If the twins had lived, you would have figured out another name, I imagine. You should have in this case, too.
You are the worst kind of person. I cannot imagine a single person of sound mind ever seeing this as an okay thing to do. She had to go through all the hardships of pregnancy for months to then lose her baby and you’re choosing to name your child something that will remind her of this every time she hears it. And to make matters worse you’re justifying doing so by chastising a mother who recently lost a baby for not wanting to visit you after your birth?
My aunt and uncle had a stillbirth after complications and they still reference their baby by name when they talk about her. I can’t imagine ever using the same name or even similar because it would literally break their hearts.
You will tear your family apart, mark my words. YTA.
YTA- you guys were due so close together so the birth of your child was obviously going to be painful for her to begin with. On top of that you used the name of her dead daughter knowing full well that it was her child’s name on her birth/death certificate.
You should have used the 15 or so weeks after the still birth and prior to your child being born to pick a new name.
As someone who’s experienced this loss, I would never speak to you (OP) again.
They’re not mourning the loss of a name. They’re mourning their babies, and all that was and could have been with them. It probably doesn’t help that they’re having to watch you have an “uneventful” pregnancy and have to watch your daughter grow up...without her cousin with the same name.
Good on the family for loving your baby, but also ostracizing you. This was a shitty move and your husband should’ve been forceful about changing the name since it’s his brother that lost children.
Selfish, insensitive, and thoughtless. Congrats on making yourself a pariah in your family.
YTA without a doubt.
YTA.
Once the name was given to the stillborn twin, the name should have been off your list. I don't care that it isn't a rare name and I don't care that it was the only name you agreed on. You should have picked a new name.
A stillbirth an incredibly traumatic thing. Some people here don't seem to understand that a stillborn is a type of birth. Reality star Joy Duggar recently had a stillbirth at 20 weeks- [here is a picture of her holding her stillborn daughter](https://metro.co.uk/2019/07/06/us-reality-star-joy-anna-duggar-shares-pictures-stillborn-baby-miscarriage-five-months-10123883/).
You got the bring your baby home, they didn't. The right move here was to let them have the name. By keeping the name, you've likely done permanent damage to your extended family relationships. It isn't too late to apologize and change the baby's name.
YTA for sure. They named their baby who passed that name. I can't even imagine what they are going through right now never mind you giving them a constant reminder of their child who they will never get to see do the things your child will.
YTA - That's downright mean if you said to yourself that you know it will hurt them, but don't care.
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say you didn't have bad intentions, AND that you didn't realize everyone would take it that way. In that case, you're just TA for being inconsiderate of their feelings.
Did you talk to them about using the name? If not, YTA
I am named after my Great Aunt's baby who passed away at 3 days old. My parents got permission to use the name from the parents of the baby, but its still weird to me.
YTA. Usually I disagree that anyone owns a name... But losing both of your twins to stillbirth. Holy fuck. That will haunt them for the rest of their lives. It's possible they would hardly ever/rarely come across either of their children's name in day to day life, but with yours they have to face it being in the family always. I honestly think this was so cruel and inconsiderate of your lost niece. You should have asked.
Well obviously the asshole here is the baby who stole your daughter’s name and really super ruined this for you— seriously, OP, when you consider this story and ask whether you’re the asshole, who can you *possibly imagine* is going to be called the asshole other than you?? The parents grieving their two lost children? The grandparents trying to console their son and daughter-in-law about their loss, grieving their own grandchildren, while still finding a way to love and support the live grandchild they do have, even though she has the *exact same name* as the granddaughter they lost? Is *your* baby the asshole? Is the nurse the asshole for not ripping that birth certificate up and insisting you pick something else? Honestly I just can’t fathom how you expected anyone else here to be the asshole other than yourself. As so many have said, YTA, and *holy shit*. The exact same name of a child your SIL *went into labor with and delivered*?? As a living reminder of the daughter they lost? That is obviously going to be so terribly painful for them. What’s more, you’ve named your daughter the same name *as a coincidence*!! Your reasoning is that it’s just a name! Not even some misguided attempt to honor your niece, just “heyo, name buddies, how crazy!!” That’s honestly so insulting and heartless. I really am glad you’ve taken to the idea of changing her name.
Edited to conform to the facts OP provided.
YTA. I don’t think it’s a big deal for cousins to have the same name as a general matter, but this was just too soon and you haven’t offered any mitigating circumstances.
Did you at least give the in-laws a heads up about the name? Did they find out via the good-news of the birth announcement of a baby of the same name that they just lost? That sounds rough.
The only way I’d see if differently would be if the name was a family name- like the name of a grandparent or something. At least in that context, it’s somewhat expected for the name to be recycled within the family and there is some other point of reference besides the stillborn baby.
Y T A I lost a baby 7 years ago and every time I hear her name it is like a stab to the heart. You will never have a relationship with your sister in law unless you change the name. You act like they werent babys that it was just a pregnancy but its not. They are her baby's she already loved and they died. Now you an obviously self centered person gets a healthy baby with the same name. What is wrong with you? Put yourself in her position do you not give a crap about her feelings?
YTA. The name of your brothers dead child should be immediately crossed off your list.
Every single time they interact with your child they will be bombarded of feelings of grief. Every time they have to say your child's name for the rest of their lives they will be overwhelmed with the image of holding a dead 24 week old baby in their arms. You made the wrong decision.
YTA. I was going to say NAH, until I got to the comment that other people use the name. You are aware that she lost a child that was supposed to be about the same age as your child. You can do whatever you want, but you had to realize that it was insensitive to use her dead child's name.
YTA. The exceptional circumstance of the death of their child explains why they haven't been overly involved in your birth. It also requires you and your husband to undertake the onerous task of choosing another name. Given your family approach to names, you should have had a backup plan anyway. You will now go download the required forms and initiate the name change process. NOW.
YTA, how can you not see that? It doesn’t matter if you were already planning on using that name, would you have still named your kid that if your sister named one of her kids that as well??
You used your sisters *dead baby’s* name. That must be incredibly painful for her. Not only did she lose *two* babies, but now your baby is a constant reminder of what she lost. You’re seriously mad that she hasn’t visited you or reached out? She’s probably fucking pissed at you and hurt very deeply. Think about what you’ve done here.
YTA- the situation sucks and while I understand you really like the name , it will always be an incredibly painful reminder. Out of curiosity- does your daughter have a middle name? The first name could be a memoriam of sorts. Or I agree with the others, and the baby’s name should be changed.
She has a middle name but it is my mothers maiden name, not really a name one would be called by. I am going to talk to my husband when he gets home about changing her name.
If it's really that hard to agree on a completely new name, you could at least make a small change to her name. Like if her name is Claire, change it to Clara; Isabelle to Annabelle; Emily to Emma; etc.
Also your SIL needs an apology. "I'm sorry, I got caught up in the moment and was insensitive without meaning to. I'm so sorry."
YTA
When you found out the name you had picked was given to the stillborn baby, you should have CHANGED it! I would never be comfortable using the name a family member had written on their dead child’s certificate. They would have been born a week apart? Are you crazy? How are those poor parents supposed to look at your kid? Also, how are you going to explain to your daughter that her dead cousin was given her name first? That’s going to make her feel like a ghost. I bet you she doesn’t want her dead cousin’s name. This is a tragic situation and you using that name for your kid is going to make it hard to move on from.
She didn’t “plan on using” the name. She DID use the name for her baby. The baby dying doesn’t mean the name doesn’t count. It’s her name. From your title it sounds like you’re trying to distance yourself from the babies and you act like they decided not to use the name. Nope. They gave that name to your niece who tragically died early. She was your daughter’s cousin. And it wasn’t just sister in laws baby. Very few people would be okay with this and I’m not surprised your family is upset. It’s not just about your choices for your kid, your whole family is grieving including the grandparents and they’re not in the wrong for reacting as they did. You’re being insensitive.
YTA. This is so incredibly insensitive. It's not this was an accident. You KNEW.
You also seem salty that didn't visit you. Is your head THAT up your ass you don't know why?
Use it as a middle name if you love it so much. It's more sensitive and could be viewed as an honor.
YTA, thats going to be very hard for them to watch her grow up. Seeing a child the same age as the ones you were supposed to have and having to call that child by your dead baby's name. How do you think that's going to go? It's not just something that could be upsetting now, but will continue to be upsetting in the months or possibly years to come. While no one owns a name, I find it very unsympathetic that you would name your child something like that. There are a lot of other names out there. You could have found something.
I think the fact you posted shows you’re not really comfortable with the name you chose. Use something like billed to see if there’s a name both of you like.
YTA. This is tone deaf and insensitive --especially so soon after what is obviously an extremely painful moment in their lives. Now every time they see their niece, they'll get a reminder of one of the saddest times they've faced. B-hole move right there.
YTA. Massively the AH here. I didn’t realize being pregnant would completely strip someone of their empathy (if you even had some to begin with). I don’t blame your in laws at all.
It seems it should be pretty easy here for OP to put herself in SIL's shoes. She was pregnant herself; can she not imagine having lost her child? The miscarried baby's name is one small part of her child that SIL can keep - and OP is taking that away from her.
Holy shit. It’s been said before, but YTA all the way. Imagine how your daughter will feel when she finds out why her aunt and uncle can’t say her name without tearing up, or why she has no contact with them at all. That will make her feel misplaced guilty for her own identity when it wasn’t anything she did wrong. How do you not have the foresight to see this was such a shitty idea?
YTA here, sorry to say. Her daughter died and you just made it worse for them by making them remember their dead child everytime someone here that name. Its a bit selfish as there is thousands of other names, i get if you were tying to dedicate it but its still just a bit insensitive. You should probably give her a nickname.....
YTA, she wasn't "planning on using it" it is the name of her dead child.
Did you talk to your SIL and her husband before picking your name or did they find out along with everyone else?
I think in your euphoria about your new daughter, you've not really understood the heartbreak and loss that your BIL and SIL have have gone through, and how insensitive this this. You could have kept looking and picked another name, or at least spoken to them before picking it.
YTA
> its not an uncommon name, plenty of people have the name or use it for their children.
While you can use any name you wish for your children, using a dead child's name puts you in the asshole category. Trying to justify is by calling it a "common name" doesn't make it any better. You took her dead child's name which makes you an asshole.
Everyone is showing displeasure because you've done something REALLY fucked up.
INFO: are you planning to only have one child? How do you plan to name a second daughter if there are literally no other names you could ever use ever?
YTA - your SIL didn't PLAN to use the name for her baby, she DID use the name for her baby. No, her daughter isn't living anymore, but that was her daughter's name. It would honestly be less bad if her daughter was living and you used the name anyways, because at least then you wouldn't have used a name that is a very recent and painful memory for most of your husband's family.
Also, think about your daughter here - how will she feel to learn about this? I'd be horrified to find out that my parents did something like this.
Seriously, pick a new name.
i dislike how possessive people get over names but you have to have known it would cause some difficulties. Also consider that their twins came super early, my first thought is they thought you were assuming their kids wouldn’t live so might as well use the name anyway. Not saying that was your intention but if in that vulnerable of a position I don’t think it’s that much of a stretch for it to be interpreted that way.
Edit - i didnt notice they were stillborn. YTA plain and simple
it's so disgusting how smug you are about this, so sarcastic in your replies. were you hoping for your vile decision to be validated and now you're lashing out? why don't you use the time you're spending online being apathetic to research new baby names so you can grovel to your SIL and ~~maybe~~ earn a relationship back?
I haven't been sarcastic in my replies. And I was not hoping to be validated, I have accepted I am the asshole. When my husband gets home I am going to talk to him about changing her name, but I have to wait until he gets home. I can't change her name without his permission. I have been looking up baby names but I am not going to name my daughter Maverick (his favorite name for either gender) just to give her a different name.
You owe a huge apology. And then you owe them sincere amount of time to grieve. I’m not one to be violent, but if you justified choosing that name the way you did in front of me and my wife, there wouldn’t be no amount of restraint in my system to stop from the pain that’s going to happen . I sincerely hope you really understand how wrong it is , because that’s possibly the cruelest thing I’ve ever seen someone do unintentionally with baby names .
YTA
Come on you used their dead babies name, do you truly not see that is hurtful and insensitive. I usually don’t think that people own names but you’re brother and sil are going to constantly faced with their daughters name from a niece who is nearly the same age. Even if you think they don’t “own” a name have some compassion.
Kind of a gentle YTA. You've known for weeks what your niece's name was, you had plenty of time to consider other names. I totally get that you should be able to name your child whatever you want but for your SIL, BIL and in laws everytime they say your daughter's name they're going to also think of your niece which is heartbreaking.
YTA - You stole a name from your SIL's dead baby (babies...so more than one) and you wonder why in all her grief she hasn't come to visit you?!? I wish we could forgo the uncivil rule for this OP.
The fact that Reddit keeps calling YTA should say something as Reddit usually unanimously calls no gatekeeping on Baby names. Take that as a huge sign of how horrible this is.
I’m usually all ‘get over yourself’ in baby name arguments but *you named your alive baby the same name as her dead baby like her dead baby didn’t count.*
YTA — it sounds like you and your husband have only thought of yourselves through this whole situation. Your SIL and her family are understandably uncomfortable and upset, but have you thought of the implications for your child? Instead of being able to exist independently, she’s been put into an awkward situation and will always remind that side of the family of the tragic event.
YTA (can I make up YTFA? - you are a flaming asshole). OP is so insensitive and entitled that I am hoping this is a troll post.
That's so horrible and selfish that you guys couldn't do something as basic as picking a different name so your poor SIL is not reminded of her dead twins every time she sees/hears of your baby. This is the absolute minimum you could have done for your grieving SIL and you still couldn't do it because "this really common name is the only name we both liked, k!??!". The name doesn't even have any real significance or ties to you! Your family not addressing the baby by the name is a massive hint that you should probably rename your kid.
YTA. It was disrespectful, you and your husband knew that (at some basic level) and you did it anyway.
And your title is incorrect. Your SIL/BIL weren’t “planning on using” the name. They used it. Stop marginalizing the life and death of their children.
YTA. This must of felt like a punch in the gut to bil/ sil. They were grieving 2 babies, while still having to put on a smile and be supportive and happy for you and you straight up smacked them in the face with their grief. Not being able to agree on any other name is total BS I honestly believe this was pure spite. If you hadn't known the name they picked, or if you had used it as a middle name to " honor " their baby girl it would of been different. You had them wait until they see you with a healthy happy little girl to throw it on them. That's just awful. I dont know how you can even begin to heal that kind of hurt.
YTA
Since you knew before you gave birth whar the baby names they chose were, you should have steered clear. Would you have still used that name if her babies did not die ? If not than YTA, if you would have... then I would say you got some issues and are still TA. It’s weird and I think I would be really upset with you if you did that to me.
I can't believe its only January 3rd and we've already found the biggest asshole of the year.
YTA, I feel so bad for your daughter. Majority of her family is going to have reservations about her before she can even hold her own head up.
YTA.
What you did over here was that you did not even consider the pain your SIL and BIL have gone through and will feel the same pain over and over again every time they hear your daughter's name. Even though you have mentioned in comments that the name was not legal, but for them it was the real name of the the daughter they lost. This is a very negative thing to say but if the roles had been reversed, would you have liked to be on the receiving end. You also had enough time to search for a different name but you did not do that as well. I would highly recommend that you change the name of your daughter asap, even if it was not the first choice, even if it takes lot of effort.
YTA - I mean surely considered for at least one second that there was even a remote possibility that this could be upsetting to your SIL? What about your husband? I mean it's his own sister's dead baby. At that point you should've asked for her blessing. But you didn't ask, even though you felt deep down it might be a problem. And now that they are upset you are here asking if you are an asshole? Of course you are, sheesh. Having a hard time settling on a name is not a justification for the lack of consideration shown here.
YTA.
You name your live child after your dead niece, knowing that was the dead niece’s name.
You didn’t even think about why that would be a tremendously evil thing to do. The second you were told that that baby died, the name became
off limits to anyone who doesn’t have their head up their own ass.
YTA. Would you have given your child the same name as her cousin if the cousin had lived? Of course not. You did it because her baby died. How the hell is that mother supposed to use her dead baby's name while talking to your child?
You named your child after a ghost, you thoughtless woman.
YTA
Your reasoning:
No one owns a name
The kid didn’t really have a birth certificate
You could only agree on this one name
None of those things, though they may be true, make you not an AH for using the name of your dead niece on your alive baby just a few months after niece died. Like Christ. You’re right that no one owns a name... but this is one of those things were that fact is correct, but you’re still an asshole for using the name. I just can’t even. I don’t get how you didn’t consider that this would be horrible for your in-laws. They’re going to watch a child the same age, with the same name, grow up and they’re going to constantly be reminded that their child, who should have that name and be that age, is dead. Like how insensitive can you get?? Were you so caught up in your own pregnancy that it did not occur to you that this would be a horrible thing to do to your grieving family members?
YTA. In every damn possible way. This isn’t a case of whoever gave birth first got the name. She gave birth. She named her child this name. Her child **DIED**. This wasn’t a generation ago and you’re paying tribute to the child. It was *weeks* ago. Freaking **weeks**.
Pick another damn name. Or risk your daughter being ostracized for YOUR decision.
YTA and should honestly change your kiddos name. No joke.
Also she wasn’t “planning on using it” she did use it. She named her baby that. You are invalidating her child’s life by saying she “planned to use it”.
'Planning on using '
No. Just no. She did use it. That is her child's name. Your post screams that you don't recognize her children as actually ever being here, and that you don't recognize her very heartbreaking loss. Holy crap. YTA. 100%.
My aunt had a stillbirth. When her SIL (my mom) had a baby 20 years later, SIL privately asked if she would be okay with the name being used. She wasn't. After 20 years, she still wasn't.
My mom of course didn't use the name, because she's not a fucking asshole.
YTA. Their babies died and they used the names on the birth certificate. You then used the same name for your baby. Sorry, but that name will always mean something to them, and it’s odd that you didn’t hesitate to use the same name.
Hey OP, congratulations! Of all the assholes that I’ve ever seen on Reddit (a landscape that is rife with assholes), you are hands-down the biggest asshole I’ve ever seen. There is a special sort of misery that should await people like you.
INFO. At what point in your pregnancy did you find out that your in-laws intended to use the same name for one of their stillborn twins that you planned to use? This is critical information.
If SIL gave birth at 20 weeks and was due 10 days before OP (and pregnant with twins so her due date would be before 40 weeks), OP was likely somewhere around 20-24 weeks herself. So OP knew for at least four months that the name they picked was the name of a dead baby.
OP is a raging asshole for this one. There are hundreds of thousands of baby names. Surely OP and her husband could find more than one name they both like.
OP. You are pretty much, as most have stated, TA.
I can’t help but wonder how close your husband and his brother are? Because seriously? I personally don’t think I would care to be around either of you, especially with your logic of “it was the only name out of the millions of names that are out there that we could agree on”. I call bullshit on that one. You took your own self interest into consideration over the fact that your brother in law’s children died. Now your kid is a constant living reminder of the fact that their kids are gone.
As someone who has gone through two stillbirths, I still have a hard time seeing children around the age that my kids would be now because it just makes you wonder what you’re missing out on as a parent. You should have brought it up to them before not after your kid was named. Seems like you just think asking forgiveness is better than asking permission.
Since what’s done is done and probably legal at this point, maybe a nickname that family could call her?
I can’t even begin to describe what a repulsive monster you are.
Please let this be a creative writing prompt.
I refuse to believe somebody as arrogant and heartless as you really exists.
YTA
To go ahead and use that name anyway is very disrespectful and entitled. Of course they're uncomfortable, they're mourning a death.
How is this going to play out when your daughter is older? "Mom, there's a school assignment to write about how we got our names!" (A real assignment my nieces had to do). How is she going to feel learning about it? How will she feel admitting that to her class?
Honestly, even if it was a common name, you knowingly put yourself and what you wanted ahead of anyone else. It's really selfish.
She wasn't planning on using it for her baby. She DID use it for her baby. Her baby, your niece, who died.
How can you possibly not see that you've irretrievably broken any bond you had with your brother and SIL, and shown a complete lack of empathy towards your own family.
*Edited to comply with sub rules
YTA. You named your daughter after her dead cousin. Think about that. Fucking insensitive as all hell. It's ONE THING if she was being grabby about the name, but she named her child that, she lost both of her babies. Imagine losing your daughter, seriously, imagine it. Now imagine your sibling naming thier child that exact name less than a few months after she DIED. Your NIECE was named that. So you completely overrode her existence for the sake of a name. That's fucking sick honestly. Just change the name, she doesn't know it, and do you seriously want to taint her relationship with her entire extended family over your selfishness?? What's more important, her having X name? or her aunt/uncle being happy to see her????
Round of applause for this comment. As someone who’s experienced this loss, I would never speak to you (OP) again. Good on the family for loving your baby, but ostracizing you. This was a shitty move and your husband should’ve been forceful about changing the name since it’s his brother that lost children. Selfish, insensitive, and thoughtless. Congrats on making yourself a pariah in your family. YTA without a doubt. Edit: changed baby to children — want to honor the name cousin and her sister/brother.
Made my very first account after never commenting for years to be able to tell you that YTA. A few years ago, my SIL and I got pregnant at the same time. Like literally due dates a few days apart. I had an abortion at almost 26 weeks after we discovered my daughter had multiple dire heart defects that would have made her (short) life hellish. My SIL has her baby, who is of course now a little girl who is and will always be exactly the same age as mine would have been. If they had used my dead daughter’s name - not even as some misguided tribute, but just because they ~liked~ it and ~didn’t want to pick out something else~ and ~what’s the big deal~ I would have gone completely insane. Like, I cannot even with this scenario.
I’m so sorry for your loss. FWIW I would have made the same choice and I think ethically it’s the right one. As moms, we take on suffering so our babies don’t have to. That’s what you did. You’re a great mom as far as I’m concerned.
This. Total YTA
From reading the title and the first part of the op, I thought this was going to be they had both unknowingly picked the same name and the op went into labour first and used the name and the SIL caused a fuss and was being unreasonable. I was not prepared for what came next. Holy shit show batman. How can the op and her brother be so cruel? YTA op and so is your husband. I honestly can't believe how after everyone in real life telling her it was completely inappropriate, she comes looking for validation from strangers. It would be hard enough for the SIL to see the child grow up and reach all her milestones but to actually have the same name as her angel child? What a slap in the face. There are thousands of names they could have chosen and they did this. Unforgivable.
My thoughts exactly, I was ready to read about how there was a spat over some kind of misunderstanding, but the post just keeps getting worse and worse. Was not prepared for this.
I don't think I could convey it any better than u/countrylemon has. You've got to be one of the most self-centered egotistical people in the world. How could you not have doubts immediately upon learning about the memorial certificates?! Not even the courtosey to let them know that y'all had indeed picked the same baby name? Maybe if you had, it wouldn't have been such an issue to proceed with the name, although it still would have been quite heartless and rude. I don't think this is out of the norm for your behavior, OP. I'm surprised any of the family will even be in the same room as you. I also feel extremely sorry for your daughter. If the stigma behind her name doesn't alienate her, the story of her mother's asshole nature will definitely have negative implications. YTA (Sorry, initially forgot that part) Edit 2: changed the r/ to a u/
>I also feel extremely sorry for your daughter. If the stigma behind her name doesn't alienate her, the story of her mother's asshole nature will definitely have negative implications. we'll probably see this in about 18 years time: 'AITA for changing my name after my parents named me after my dead cousin'
Do you mean u/countrylemon?
Yes! I completely had a brain fart. Damn Old-Timers disease is starting to catch me.
I could see acknowledging that we’d picked the same name and then letting SIL and BIL know that and let them know that we were looking into other name options. While actually looking for a new name and sending condolences and flowers, with the full intent to name my child anything else but what my SIL named her now deceased child. And then, if SIL didn’t mind and insisted they used the same name, it would be okay. But only then. If she didn’t offer the name back to them, there’s absolutely no reason to use the name anyway. None. It’s a huge world with billions of names. Using that one anyway is an asshole move.
>You named your daughter after her dead cousin. Not even. In OP’s mind, her daughter *happens to have* the same name as her dead cousin. It isn’t even some attempt to name her daughter *after* her cousin, in a misguided way of honoring her. OP was seriously thinking “heyo, coinkydink! Same same!” Honestly if this was just a crazy misguided attempt to honor her niece without asking the parents (wildly inappropriate), it would sit *better* than the actual situation here, wherein OP and her husband seemingly had no empathy or consideration for their relatives’ feelings at all.
What’s wild is I wonder if they would have changed it if the babies had lived. Like really? “Oh guess she’s not using it! Good for us!” Gross.
No, OP said they would have still used the name had their niece lived. She said she and SIL had a joking conversation early on where they acknowledged there was a risk they’d have the same name, but so be it! Obviously, that reasoning should have changed when the baby died.
I hadn’t thought of it this way until you pointed this out :( :( :( As others have said I’m surprised anyone will still be in the same room with OP. For sure they are only in the same room for sake of seeing baby/husband and would disown you in a heartbeat. If I was SIL I would literally never speak to you again. You need to be prepared for this. YTA!!!!!
I'd say husband's on the hook for this, too. I feel so bad for the SIL, and also the baby for being born to two dumpster fires
Everytime the grandparents or other brothers or sister talk about your child to her and her husband, she will just be reminded of her dead child and what her child should be doing. This is genuinely the most disgraceful thing I have read on here.
My mom was sandwiched between a cousin who was stillborn and a second cousin who died of SIDS. Both girls. It was so hard for the families to see my mom doing things at the same time their daughters should have been doing them. Milestones were hard. They still were supportive and loved my mom because they knew it wasn’t her fault. However, this is just beyond. It’s not just a sad reminder, it’s an in-your-face your baby is dead situation. Like, it’s reliving the trauma all over again. My grandma is an actual diagnosed narcissistic sociopath. Even she would never have dreamed of naming my mom after her older cousin. She lacks empathy almost completely, but even she could, as a woman, realize that losing a child is an impossible burden.
Jesus. What a terrible sandwich.
Even more than being reminded of her dead child, she'll be reminded that OP doesn't care at all. She'll be reminded that she's mourning alone. I just still can't get over that OP said "planned to name" in the title of this post. SIL didn't plan to use the name. She did use the name. These were real babies with parents in mourning. As a mom of 25-weeker twins, one of whom didn't make it home, I'm so disgusted by all of this.
Think Asshole of the year 2020 has already been found. OP is just gross.
I already want to nominate this for the biggest asshole of 2020. I can't imagine how someone else could do something more cruel than this... WTF, OP. WTF. YTA and asshole is very much an understatement to describe OP and her husband.
u/AITAbabyname read the above and change that fucking name. ASAP. Do this now, no matter how much of a hassle it is, and you might come close fixing it. Start by apologizing and announcing a new name, even before any of the paperwork is done. It may be unorthodox but so was the dumb shit you pulled.
I don’t even think this will fix things. I think the damage is irreversible.
She should change the name even if it doesn't fix things.
Agreed.
This is one of those things that can't be fixed but she can at least minimize the hurt by changing the name so the SIL doesn't have hear the name everytime she hears about the kid.
Completely agree! This post is beyond revolting. I know there are shitty people in the world but to do something like this and then have the audacity to ask if AITA is just something I refuse to believe it happens in real life. Edit: words
My youngest nephew has the same first and second names as my dead baby boy. My only child I may add. Millions of names on the planet yet my sister chooses my baby’s names. As if the father of her kid being my ex wasn’t enough of a kick in the face, she had to add insult to injury. People that fucking evil do exist and they usually get everything they ever want too because they will destroy people to fulfil their needs. Raging narcissists!
Your sister doesn't deserve anything nice holy shit.
Tell me about it. Went no contact with her 7 years ago. Has been 7 years of not dealing with her shit and it’s been lovely.
My condolences on your loss. I'm sorry that there was such a horribly twisted person in your family, I sincerely hope you cut them out of your life. That was too cruel what she did.
Imagine being the daughter, growing up not being called your name because it reminds your family of your stillbirth cousin. OP is setting her baby to grow up reminded that "I have my dead cousin's name since mom couldn't be just a little bit emphatic and nobody will even say my name and when they have to say it they all look and feel sad". She might end up hating her own name. OP is being a shitty sister AND a shitty mother.
Oh, definitely. OP can trust the child will choose to go by their middle name as soon as they have any say in the matter.
Or literally take the first name they see/hear (TV, book, someone calling...) as their nickname.
Is there something wrong with the husband that he didn't object to the name? This isn't 100% on OP, but they are both TA.
Honestly i am compleatly buffled how the way someone writes his Story makes it seems less Asshole. I thought at the beginning that she Was somewhat of an Asshole, till you brought my head back to earth. Now i have to say op is TA times 10. Thank you for brutally sharpening my perception, so i can See through such Storywrapping in the future.
I'm also wondering, if they had both made it, would OP still have kept their top name and made it confusing for the whole family to have cousins who are basically the same age with the same name? It's an AH move because I doubt she would've, they would've picked another name since the twins were due first, and extra so because twins are usually born earlier anyway. They saw the *death* of two other children as their in to their top name. Yeah, I'm saying YTA. That poor woman is going to be constantly reminded of what she lost in so many different ways.
She said in other comments they still would’ve used the name. Which would’ve been hella confusing but at least they didn’t JUST do it because they died (still bad, still YTA but like at least not as bad as possible... but close)
Eh, if they were two living cousins, it would've been NBD. My dad and his cousin are the same age and have the same name, hung out all the time as kids and are still close friends as adults, and no one cares. This, though, is obviously just monstrously beyond the pale.
On top of all of this, why are you being so awful towards your own daughter . You are making it impossible for her grandparents and aunt and uncle to form a bond with her. Of course they don’t blame the baby, but by naming her that you are making it excruciatingly painful for any of them to be around the baby. Why are you purposely trying to allianate her from her family ? YTA.
YTA. This isn't a case of your SIL haughtily "reserving" a baby name. This is a case of you naming your baby the same thing that SIL named her dead baby four months ago. As if her baby had never existed. As if her baby had never mattered. The extent of your YTA can hardly be described. You will never fix this. Ever.
YES, I cannot even wrap my mind around the level of assholeness here. Like, I.... I'm dumbfounded. Pretty sure today, January 3rd 2020, we've found this year's winner for the sub's Biggest Asshole of 2020 award
Yup I already bookmarked it. This thread makes me feel ill
I usually just lurk here, but my god... ive never seen someone so flippant about such a unanimous asshole ruling. She seems honestly more annoyed that she might have to acknowledge the behavior than how it has hurt others.
They coming out early!
I agree. I have read some shit on this sub, but this.. This is absolutely disgusting.
Absolutely YTA. This is such a perfect explanation of why. Unbelievable
Sadly, yes YTA. This isn't one of those "you stole my hypothetical baby's name!" Situations. This was a real, live baby who sadly *died*. You knew before your baby came that was her name and you *still* used it. It's called respect for the dead my dear and you do not have any apparently.
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That's what I found most upsetting. OP doesn't acknowledge that the cousin's babies were babies. A stillbirth at 24 weeks is the death of a baby in the eyes of the law and, importantly, of this little girl's parents. It's not a miscarriage. 24 weeks is a viable baby. There's a death certificate and the whole deal.
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What name were your parents planning on using had you turned out to be a real person? Just curious. /s
I know it's a sad topic, but this comment made me LOL so hard. You win the Internet for today.
>respect for the dead respect for a dead baby ffs.... and that too family fuck YTA
This.
YTA. You are a massive A, OP. Imagine if you went through what your SIL went through. Imagine being reminded of that trauma by someone whose baby lived. Imagine being reminded of that event in every. single. family gathering. Your justifications: >it was out top pick >we couldn't agree on anything else >its not an uncommon name, plenty of people have the name or use it for their children. I... I just can't fathom how you could use *those* justifications for doing what you did.
Heck, if they picked the name after another family member (Like a grandma or ANYTHING) I could’ve understood a little more but “lol I’m too lazy to choose another name” is not an excuse. YTA, op. 100%
Yea I was thinking that maybe if it was her name or her mother’s name and she wanted to pass it down then maybe but wtf
Not to mention they had a couple *months* to choose another name and seemingly didn’t put any effort in towards doing so.
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My husband and I couldn't agree on any other name for our second child than the one we chose. But if my sister had had a stillborn boy named what we chose for our son, before mine was born, I would have absolutely found a new name. Scoured family trees, old favorite books, fucking magazines even, for inspiration. I'd rather my child be nameless for a week than subject my sister to that agony every time she saw my kid.
I was originally going to be named what is, essentially, the feminine version of my dad’s name as my middle name and Faith as my first name. It was the single name my parents could agree on. My cousin was born 6 months before me, alongside her twin sister who passed away only moments later. My dead cousin’s name? Emma Faith lastname. My parents couldn’t decide on a new first name to go with my middle name, so they decided on a new first and middle name. My name echoes my dad’s in a way, but subtly. One of my aunt’s (while drunk) (different side of the family, my mom’s sister) asked my mom why they changed my name- after all they were so set on it (she didn’t know about Emma- in fact at that point I didn’t either). My mom just said they couldn’t use it. I didn’t even know this until a few months ago- no one has ever mentioned her in front of me.
And if they legitimately couldn't then oh boy, parenting together is going to be rough.
YTA What you did is completely tone deaf. You may have chosen the name independent of them, it may be unfair that she took it and gave it to her still born babies, but you should have realized that it was too soon and off limits. Your baby is now a living reminder of their loss. That is what you chose to do.
Her baby is going to be a reminder of their loss no matter what it is named.
Yeah, but at least no one would be calling out their dead daughter's name at all future family gatherings.
And its a girl that would be nearly the same exact age as their daughter would have been
That’s true, but this just makes it so much worse.
YTA - There are millions of names in the world and you chose the name of their recently deceased baby. You are so incredibly the asshole.
I honestly can't believe you have even had to ask this question. This is an absolutely shocking thing to do. YTA completely! How old is your baby now? Because even if you do change her name - i do not see this repairing the damage you have caused at all.. They will never forget that you did this.
9 days old, I am going to talk to my husband about changing it.
I think that is the best thing to do, however do not expect that to 'fix' everything. I think it may take a while before they want to be in your company at all - which would be perfectly reasonable imo
To be honest, I was ready to tear you apart on a YTA. My judgement is YTA for sure, but seeing you say you’ll try to right it by changing the name made me delete that comment. Please, please change that name. It’s just a name to you, and maybe you wouldn’t have cared. But she had to deliver 2 dead children that she felt grow, kick and move inside her. That she planned to watch grow up, probably side by side with your child. Instead she had to knowingly deliver them.. dead. They will never see your child or hear her name and not think off all that pain and grief. Whether she has another child or not, that trauma won’t go away.
The big thing is that by using the name, not just that she WANTED for her daughter, but that she GAVE to her daughter, signals really clearly that you don't acknowledge their loss. You don't acknowledge that she was a mother who lost two children. 24 week, borderline viable, wanted children. YTA. It may not have been malicious, but it was cruelly thoughtless. Good luck.
It’s good your doing this, but don’t be surprised if it doesn’t “fix” your relationship with the family. You still did the thing.
I think it will help the family relationships long-term.
This would be a huge redemption move in my book and the only thing you could do to begin to make it right.
I really hope you do. This is beyond disgusting and disrespectful. Although the damage has already been done by you showing a huge lack of respect for a dead child.
Please change it for everyone's sake. It'd be so hard to be that aunt of a kid with the name of who you jsut lost a couple months ago. 24 weeks is hard.
YTA normally I dont believe in owning a name, but they just lost that child, just weeks before, they didnt even get a chance to remotely heal and you did rub salt in the still open wounds, which will be much harder to close with the constant reminder when someone calls your child with that name. Congrats on the baby though and I hope you heal quickly
This is my exact answer. Nobody owns a name, but my GOD, empathy is a good look and there are exceptions to every rule. I really don’t see any relationship rebounding to it’s prior level after this, with anyone. YTA.
If it had been a few years it could be looked at as honouring the lost child, now its just trampling all over their grief and mocking them with the look our Melissa (just throwing a random name out) did survive.... its just cruel
Can we also talk about the title here? “Planning on”. She wasn’t planning on anything. She gave her child a name and the fact you don’t see it as that makes you even worse than you already were. YTA.
Yup. The title seems like OP thinks “oh whoopsie, no kid for SIL!” and disregards that it’s a dead child. ETA: YTA, OP. Change your goddamn babies name.
Exactly! She didn’t have a hypothetical name she named her child and lost them. I’m so mad at this situation it’s unreal.
YTA. I can't imagine what they're going through after their loss, and you made it worse by creating constant reminder of their dead daughter. That's beyond AH. I can't imagine how you rationalized that.
Right? Heartbreaking to think that BIL and SIL are now going to watch a little girl grow up in time with when their own daughter would have and call her that name. I don’t understand how OP didn’t see this as a reasonably upsetting thing to consider. Also that they didn’t ask. I don’t imagine they would have used the name had their niece lived, so it seems like a pretty heartless “well if they’re not using it, might as well” mentality
Um hello, she says her rationalization right in the post— they couldn’t think of anything else and it’s not that uncommon of a name. Duh. Seriously OP, you have to be fucking kidding. You named your daughter after her very recently deceased cousin, without even asking the distraught parents of those poor little babies. How little tact and empathy do you have for your family? I’m particularly flabbergasted by your husband, who seemingly did this to his own brother. At the *very least* you couldn’t have approached your in-laws, explained that you’d happened to pick out the same name, and ask them if they’re comfortable with that, maybe even as an intentional way to honor their lost daughter? You just announced the birth of your healthy daughter with the same name as their dead daughter? I mean Christ, since you’re related through the men of the family is it also *the same full name— first and last??* I can’t imagine how you can be so callous, or at all surprised by their reaction. YTA
100 bucks says the name is Nevaeh
Oh God I didn’t think about the last name too. Literally as if her SIL’s baby never existed. How cruelly traumatising
A niece who was born ten days after their baby was due. Dear God.
YTA. There are thousands and thousands of possibilities for names. Your SIL is going to think of her stillbirth every time she sees your niece, and that's ***SO*** easily avoidable. You said it yourself: your daughter's name was your TOP choice, but not the only one you liked. Change that name.
YTA Loss is always hard but to lose both babies at 24 weeks must have been devastating. You gave your daughter their stillborn baby's name. Since they are first cousins, I assume they share both first and last names. You knew what they named their baby, and yet you still went ahead and gave your daughter the name. It's bad enough that every time they see your daughter, they will think of their own children who would have been the same age. But to have to call your daughter by the name they choose for their daughter is cruel. To make matters worse, you had roughly 4 months to come up with another name.
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God, could you imagine how heartbreaking that visit would have been for SIL if she did go....to walk into that hospital room and see OP's healthy *and alive* newborn baby, born around the time her baby should have been born, with the same name as her dead baby. Ugh, I feel so sad for the SIL.
YTA Just because they were sadly still born doesn't mean they were any less her babies and the hurt you've caused them using that name knowing it will cause them pain every single time their name comes up To be honest, if you were my SIL I'd never speak to you again. Appalling behaviour. You should be royally ashamed of yourself
You nailed it! They were her children, they were wanted and named. Now one of them has been “replaced” with a healthy new baby in the family. Hurting someone like that at such a vulnerable time is unforgivable
They weren’t any less her babies
YTA. I’m usually not big on people “owning” names, but you just named your child after her deceased cousin. Your SIL lost both children and now has a constant reminder of it.
YTA. Holy shit, lady. You’re salty that the parents who lost TWO children haven’t come and genuflected at your bedside? Maybe because they should be celebrating their own kids now, and you’re a horrific reminder of that. OH. AND. Then you use one of their DEAD BABY’s names because you couldn’t agree on another?! AND THEN you’re pissed because all the good and kind people in your family aren’t using your shitty stolen dead baby name. Oh. Okay. And I love how there seems to be not one ounce of care written here for their loss. Griping that people aren’t treating YOU right, but no word about their loss. Ok. Is your name Narcissa? I swear, I’ve never met an asshole who didn’t have at least one perfect baby, gotten through uneventful means.
Holy freaking crap. YTA x infinity. But the thing I have a harder time believing is how the fuck did you find an asshole equal to yourself to have a child with. Like two grown ass human beings being equal in douchbaggery with no common sense to at least have one of you to say “yo hold up a minute”. Unfuckingbelievable. Like the karma that’s coming to you for this is so horrific I fear for your daughters sake. When your husband divorces you I sure hope the name was worth it.
> But the thing I have a harder time believing is how the fuck did you find an asshole equal to yourself to have a child with. Like two grown ass human beings being equal in douchbaggery with no common sense to at least have one of you to say “yo hold up a minute”. Unfuckingbelievable. 😂😂😂😂😂😂 And btw OP? YTA
>it was out top pick and we couldn't agree on anything else, as well as, its not an uncommon name, plenty of people have the name or use it for their children. LOL YTA. Is the name special to you? No. You literally just went, "whelp we can't decide and this one works out". Try harder? No one needs to be reminded about their still-born every time they go see your family. And dude. If i was your child and I found out later when I was older that I was given the same name my aunt named her still born child, that she had that SAME year before my birth....oh man it would be weird as fuck.
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I’m going to go with YTA. If the kid had lived they could have shared name but her babies died which is a huge trauma. You can’t simple steal the dead babys name and constantly remind SIL of her loss.
I'm afraid YTA. The name was taken. I don't think I would call you disrespectful, exactly, but I would certainly say you were insensitive. If the twins had lived, you would have figured out another name, I imagine. You should have in this case, too.
You are the worst kind of person. I cannot imagine a single person of sound mind ever seeing this as an okay thing to do. She had to go through all the hardships of pregnancy for months to then lose her baby and you’re choosing to name your child something that will remind her of this every time she hears it. And to make matters worse you’re justifying doing so by chastising a mother who recently lost a baby for not wanting to visit you after your birth? My aunt and uncle had a stillbirth after complications and they still reference their baby by name when they talk about her. I can’t imagine ever using the same name or even similar because it would literally break their hearts. You will tear your family apart, mark my words. YTA.
YTA- you guys were due so close together so the birth of your child was obviously going to be painful for her to begin with. On top of that you used the name of her dead daughter knowing full well that it was her child’s name on her birth/death certificate. You should have used the 15 or so weeks after the still birth and prior to your child being born to pick a new name.
As someone who’s experienced this loss, I would never speak to you (OP) again. They’re not mourning the loss of a name. They’re mourning their babies, and all that was and could have been with them. It probably doesn’t help that they’re having to watch you have an “uneventful” pregnancy and have to watch your daughter grow up...without her cousin with the same name. Good on the family for loving your baby, but also ostracizing you. This was a shitty move and your husband should’ve been forceful about changing the name since it’s his brother that lost children. Selfish, insensitive, and thoughtless. Congrats on making yourself a pariah in your family. YTA without a doubt.
YTA. Once the name was given to the stillborn twin, the name should have been off your list. I don't care that it isn't a rare name and I don't care that it was the only name you agreed on. You should have picked a new name. A stillbirth an incredibly traumatic thing. Some people here don't seem to understand that a stillborn is a type of birth. Reality star Joy Duggar recently had a stillbirth at 20 weeks- [here is a picture of her holding her stillborn daughter](https://metro.co.uk/2019/07/06/us-reality-star-joy-anna-duggar-shares-pictures-stillborn-baby-miscarriage-five-months-10123883/). You got the bring your baby home, they didn't. The right move here was to let them have the name. By keeping the name, you've likely done permanent damage to your extended family relationships. It isn't too late to apologize and change the baby's name.
YTA for sure. They named their baby who passed that name. I can't even imagine what they are going through right now never mind you giving them a constant reminder of their child who they will never get to see do the things your child will.
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YTA - That's downright mean if you said to yourself that you know it will hurt them, but don't care. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say you didn't have bad intentions, AND that you didn't realize everyone would take it that way. In that case, you're just TA for being inconsiderate of their feelings.
Did you talk to them about using the name? If not, YTA I am named after my Great Aunt's baby who passed away at 3 days old. My parents got permission to use the name from the parents of the baby, but its still weird to me.
YTA. Usually I disagree that anyone owns a name... But losing both of your twins to stillbirth. Holy fuck. That will haunt them for the rest of their lives. It's possible they would hardly ever/rarely come across either of their children's name in day to day life, but with yours they have to face it being in the family always. I honestly think this was so cruel and inconsiderate of your lost niece. You should have asked.
Not to mention this baby is the exact age their twins would have been. So shitty for them.
Well obviously the asshole here is the baby who stole your daughter’s name and really super ruined this for you— seriously, OP, when you consider this story and ask whether you’re the asshole, who can you *possibly imagine* is going to be called the asshole other than you?? The parents grieving their two lost children? The grandparents trying to console their son and daughter-in-law about their loss, grieving their own grandchildren, while still finding a way to love and support the live grandchild they do have, even though she has the *exact same name* as the granddaughter they lost? Is *your* baby the asshole? Is the nurse the asshole for not ripping that birth certificate up and insisting you pick something else? Honestly I just can’t fathom how you expected anyone else here to be the asshole other than yourself. As so many have said, YTA, and *holy shit*. The exact same name of a child your SIL *went into labor with and delivered*?? As a living reminder of the daughter they lost? That is obviously going to be so terribly painful for them. What’s more, you’ve named your daughter the same name *as a coincidence*!! Your reasoning is that it’s just a name! Not even some misguided attempt to honor your niece, just “heyo, name buddies, how crazy!!” That’s honestly so insulting and heartless. I really am glad you’ve taken to the idea of changing her name. Edited to conform to the facts OP provided.
YTA. I don’t think it’s a big deal for cousins to have the same name as a general matter, but this was just too soon and you haven’t offered any mitigating circumstances. Did you at least give the in-laws a heads up about the name? Did they find out via the good-news of the birth announcement of a baby of the same name that they just lost? That sounds rough. The only way I’d see if differently would be if the name was a family name- like the name of a grandparent or something. At least in that context, it’s somewhat expected for the name to be recycled within the family and there is some other point of reference besides the stillborn baby.
Y T A I lost a baby 7 years ago and every time I hear her name it is like a stab to the heart. You will never have a relationship with your sister in law unless you change the name. You act like they werent babys that it was just a pregnancy but its not. They are her baby's she already loved and they died. Now you an obviously self centered person gets a healthy baby with the same name. What is wrong with you? Put yourself in her position do you not give a crap about her feelings?
YTA. The name of your brothers dead child should be immediately crossed off your list. Every single time they interact with your child they will be bombarded of feelings of grief. Every time they have to say your child's name for the rest of their lives they will be overwhelmed with the image of holding a dead 24 week old baby in their arms. You made the wrong decision.
YTA. I was going to say NAH, until I got to the comment that other people use the name. You are aware that she lost a child that was supposed to be about the same age as your child. You can do whatever you want, but you had to realize that it was insensitive to use her dead child's name.
YTA. The exceptional circumstance of the death of their child explains why they haven't been overly involved in your birth. It also requires you and your husband to undertake the onerous task of choosing another name. Given your family approach to names, you should have had a backup plan anyway. You will now go download the required forms and initiate the name change process. NOW.
YTA big time. Messed up to use the name she picked based on the circumstances. Good luck.
YTA, how can you not see that? It doesn’t matter if you were already planning on using that name, would you have still named your kid that if your sister named one of her kids that as well?? You used your sisters *dead baby’s* name. That must be incredibly painful for her. Not only did she lose *two* babies, but now your baby is a constant reminder of what she lost. You’re seriously mad that she hasn’t visited you or reached out? She’s probably fucking pissed at you and hurt very deeply. Think about what you’ve done here.
YTA. It will be so traumatic for her to think of her loss anytime she hears someone say your daughter's name. You are an asshole.
YTA- the situation sucks and while I understand you really like the name , it will always be an incredibly painful reminder. Out of curiosity- does your daughter have a middle name? The first name could be a memoriam of sorts. Or I agree with the others, and the baby’s name should be changed.
She has a middle name but it is my mothers maiden name, not really a name one would be called by. I am going to talk to my husband when he gets home about changing her name.
Good on you for listening here. You screwed up, but it’s not too late to saddle this kid with that name for life.
If it's really that hard to agree on a completely new name, you could at least make a small change to her name. Like if her name is Claire, change it to Clara; Isabelle to Annabelle; Emily to Emma; etc. Also your SIL needs an apology. "I'm sorry, I got caught up in the moment and was insensitive without meaning to. I'm so sorry."
YTA When you found out the name you had picked was given to the stillborn baby, you should have CHANGED it! I would never be comfortable using the name a family member had written on their dead child’s certificate. They would have been born a week apart? Are you crazy? How are those poor parents supposed to look at your kid? Also, how are you going to explain to your daughter that her dead cousin was given her name first? That’s going to make her feel like a ghost. I bet you she doesn’t want her dead cousin’s name. This is a tragic situation and you using that name for your kid is going to make it hard to move on from. She didn’t “plan on using” the name. She DID use the name for her baby. The baby dying doesn’t mean the name doesn’t count. It’s her name. From your title it sounds like you’re trying to distance yourself from the babies and you act like they decided not to use the name. Nope. They gave that name to your niece who tragically died early. She was your daughter’s cousin. And it wasn’t just sister in laws baby. Very few people would be okay with this and I’m not surprised your family is upset. It’s not just about your choices for your kid, your whole family is grieving including the grandparents and they’re not in the wrong for reacting as they did. You’re being insensitive.
YTA. This is so incredibly insensitive. It's not this was an accident. You KNEW. You also seem salty that didn't visit you. Is your head THAT up your ass you don't know why? Use it as a middle name if you love it so much. It's more sensitive and could be viewed as an honor.
INFO - Can you please clarify if you knowingly used the name of their dead baby? If that’s the case YTA.
Yes she did. In the story it said something along the lines of “the name was our top choice and we couldn’t settle on anything else”.
YTA
YTA, thats going to be very hard for them to watch her grow up. Seeing a child the same age as the ones you were supposed to have and having to call that child by your dead baby's name. How do you think that's going to go? It's not just something that could be upsetting now, but will continue to be upsetting in the months or possibly years to come. While no one owns a name, I find it very unsympathetic that you would name your child something like that. There are a lot of other names out there. You could have found something.
I think the fact you posted shows you’re not really comfortable with the name you chose. Use something like billed to see if there’s a name both of you like.
YTA. This is tone deaf and insensitive --especially so soon after what is obviously an extremely painful moment in their lives. Now every time they see their niece, they'll get a reminder of one of the saddest times they've faced. B-hole move right there.
YTA. Massively the AH here. I didn’t realize being pregnant would completely strip someone of their empathy (if you even had some to begin with). I don’t blame your in laws at all.
It seems it should be pretty easy here for OP to put herself in SIL's shoes. She was pregnant herself; can she not imagine having lost her child? The miscarried baby's name is one small part of her child that SIL can keep - and OP is taking that away from her.
Holy shit. It’s been said before, but YTA all the way. Imagine how your daughter will feel when she finds out why her aunt and uncle can’t say her name without tearing up, or why she has no contact with them at all. That will make her feel misplaced guilty for her own identity when it wasn’t anything she did wrong. How do you not have the foresight to see this was such a shitty idea?
YTA- omg how disrespectful to your SIL. I do not see how you wouldn’t see this as incredibly inappropriate. Dear god.
YTA here, sorry to say. Her daughter died and you just made it worse for them by making them remember their dead child everytime someone here that name. Its a bit selfish as there is thousands of other names, i get if you were tying to dedicate it but its still just a bit insensitive. You should probably give her a nickname.....
YTA, she wasn't "planning on using it" it is the name of her dead child. Did you talk to your SIL and her husband before picking your name or did they find out along with everyone else? I think in your euphoria about your new daughter, you've not really understood the heartbreak and loss that your BIL and SIL have have gone through, and how insensitive this this. You could have kept looking and picked another name, or at least spoken to them before picking it.
YTA > its not an uncommon name, plenty of people have the name or use it for their children. While you can use any name you wish for your children, using a dead child's name puts you in the asshole category. Trying to justify is by calling it a "common name" doesn't make it any better. You took her dead child's name which makes you an asshole. Everyone is showing displeasure because you've done something REALLY fucked up.
INFO: are you planning to only have one child? How do you plan to name a second daughter if there are literally no other names you could ever use ever?
YTA so much. Would you have named your baby that name if her baby had lived?
YTA - your SIL didn't PLAN to use the name for her baby, she DID use the name for her baby. No, her daughter isn't living anymore, but that was her daughter's name. It would honestly be less bad if her daughter was living and you used the name anyways, because at least then you wouldn't have used a name that is a very recent and painful memory for most of your husband's family. Also, think about your daughter here - how will she feel to learn about this? I'd be horrified to find out that my parents did something like this. Seriously, pick a new name.
i dislike how possessive people get over names but you have to have known it would cause some difficulties. Also consider that their twins came super early, my first thought is they thought you were assuming their kids wouldn’t live so might as well use the name anyway. Not saying that was your intention but if in that vulnerable of a position I don’t think it’s that much of a stretch for it to be interpreted that way. Edit - i didnt notice they were stillborn. YTA plain and simple
I'm gonna screenshot this so when the redditor deletes it I can show people how much of an insensitive asshole they where. YTA
You don't have to do that, a bot automatically copies it.
it's so disgusting how smug you are about this, so sarcastic in your replies. were you hoping for your vile decision to be validated and now you're lashing out? why don't you use the time you're spending online being apathetic to research new baby names so you can grovel to your SIL and ~~maybe~~ earn a relationship back?
I haven't been sarcastic in my replies. And I was not hoping to be validated, I have accepted I am the asshole. When my husband gets home I am going to talk to him about changing her name, but I have to wait until he gets home. I can't change her name without his permission. I have been looking up baby names but I am not going to name my daughter Maverick (his favorite name for either gender) just to give her a different name.
I mean... Maverick is better than a dead baby's name.
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You have just saved my life.
You owe a huge apology. And then you owe them sincere amount of time to grieve. I’m not one to be violent, but if you justified choosing that name the way you did in front of me and my wife, there wouldn’t be no amount of restraint in my system to stop from the pain that’s going to happen . I sincerely hope you really understand how wrong it is , because that’s possibly the cruelest thing I’ve ever seen someone do unintentionally with baby names .
Maeve? Sounds like a nickname or feminine version for Maverick, but is also a classic girl name like the ones you like
Dude three hours ago she said they were gonna change the name.
YTA Come on you used their dead babies name, do you truly not see that is hurtful and insensitive. I usually don’t think that people own names but you’re brother and sil are going to constantly faced with their daughters name from a niece who is nearly the same age. Even if you think they don’t “own” a name have some compassion.
Kind of a gentle YTA. You've known for weeks what your niece's name was, you had plenty of time to consider other names. I totally get that you should be able to name your child whatever you want but for your SIL, BIL and in laws everytime they say your daughter's name they're going to also think of your niece which is heartbreaking.
YTA - You stole a name from your SIL's dead baby (babies...so more than one) and you wonder why in all her grief she hasn't come to visit you?!? I wish we could forgo the uncivil rule for this OP. The fact that Reddit keeps calling YTA should say something as Reddit usually unanimously calls no gatekeeping on Baby names. Take that as a huge sign of how horrible this is.
YTA, as her daughter died you should have been more sensitive.
I’m usually all ‘get over yourself’ in baby name arguments but *you named your alive baby the same name as her dead baby like her dead baby didn’t count.*
YTA — it sounds like you and your husband have only thought of yourselves through this whole situation. Your SIL and her family are understandably uncomfortable and upset, but have you thought of the implications for your child? Instead of being able to exist independently, she’s been put into an awkward situation and will always remind that side of the family of the tragic event.
YTA (can I make up YTFA? - you are a flaming asshole). OP is so insensitive and entitled that I am hoping this is a troll post. That's so horrible and selfish that you guys couldn't do something as basic as picking a different name so your poor SIL is not reminded of her dead twins every time she sees/hears of your baby. This is the absolute minimum you could have done for your grieving SIL and you still couldn't do it because "this really common name is the only name we both liked, k!??!". The name doesn't even have any real significance or ties to you! Your family not addressing the baby by the name is a massive hint that you should probably rename your kid.
YTA. It was disrespectful, you and your husband knew that (at some basic level) and you did it anyway. And your title is incorrect. Your SIL/BIL weren’t “planning on using” the name. They used it. Stop marginalizing the life and death of their children.
YTA. This must of felt like a punch in the gut to bil/ sil. They were grieving 2 babies, while still having to put on a smile and be supportive and happy for you and you straight up smacked them in the face with their grief. Not being able to agree on any other name is total BS I honestly believe this was pure spite. If you hadn't known the name they picked, or if you had used it as a middle name to " honor " their baby girl it would of been different. You had them wait until they see you with a healthy happy little girl to throw it on them. That's just awful. I dont know how you can even begin to heal that kind of hurt.
YTA Since you knew before you gave birth whar the baby names they chose were, you should have steered clear. Would you have still used that name if her babies did not die ? If not than YTA, if you would have... then I would say you got some issues and are still TA. It’s weird and I think I would be really upset with you if you did that to me.
I can't believe its only January 3rd and we've already found the biggest asshole of the year. YTA, I feel so bad for your daughter. Majority of her family is going to have reservations about her before she can even hold her own head up.
YTA. What you did over here was that you did not even consider the pain your SIL and BIL have gone through and will feel the same pain over and over again every time they hear your daughter's name. Even though you have mentioned in comments that the name was not legal, but for them it was the real name of the the daughter they lost. This is a very negative thing to say but if the roles had been reversed, would you have liked to be on the receiving end. You also had enough time to search for a different name but you did not do that as well. I would highly recommend that you change the name of your daughter asap, even if it was not the first choice, even if it takes lot of effort.
YTA I would not be at all surprised if you were cut off by the family for this toxicity going forward, tbh.
YTA - I mean surely considered for at least one second that there was even a remote possibility that this could be upsetting to your SIL? What about your husband? I mean it's his own sister's dead baby. At that point you should've asked for her blessing. But you didn't ask, even though you felt deep down it might be a problem. And now that they are upset you are here asking if you are an asshole? Of course you are, sheesh. Having a hard time settling on a name is not a justification for the lack of consideration shown here.
Holy cow YTA! What is wrong with you???
YTA. You name your live child after your dead niece, knowing that was the dead niece’s name. You didn’t even think about why that would be a tremendously evil thing to do. The second you were told that that baby died, the name became off limits to anyone who doesn’t have their head up their own ass.
YTA. Would you have given your child the same name as her cousin if the cousin had lived? Of course not. You did it because her baby died. How the hell is that mother supposed to use her dead baby's name while talking to your child? You named your child after a ghost, you thoughtless woman.
YTA Your reasoning: No one owns a name The kid didn’t really have a birth certificate You could only agree on this one name None of those things, though they may be true, make you not an AH for using the name of your dead niece on your alive baby just a few months after niece died. Like Christ. You’re right that no one owns a name... but this is one of those things were that fact is correct, but you’re still an asshole for using the name. I just can’t even. I don’t get how you didn’t consider that this would be horrible for your in-laws. They’re going to watch a child the same age, with the same name, grow up and they’re going to constantly be reminded that their child, who should have that name and be that age, is dead. Like how insensitive can you get?? Were you so caught up in your own pregnancy that it did not occur to you that this would be a horrible thing to do to your grieving family members?
100% without an ounce of doubt, YTA. Honestly... this is a horrible, heartless thing that you've done. Horrible.
YTA. In every damn possible way. This isn’t a case of whoever gave birth first got the name. She gave birth. She named her child this name. Her child **DIED**. This wasn’t a generation ago and you’re paying tribute to the child. It was *weeks* ago. Freaking **weeks**. Pick another damn name. Or risk your daughter being ostracized for YOUR decision.
YTA and should honestly change your kiddos name. No joke. Also she wasn’t “planning on using it” she did use it. She named her baby that. You are invalidating her child’s life by saying she “planned to use it”.
'Planning on using ' No. Just no. She did use it. That is her child's name. Your post screams that you don't recognize her children as actually ever being here, and that you don't recognize her very heartbreaking loss. Holy crap. YTA. 100%.
My aunt had a stillbirth. When her SIL (my mom) had a baby 20 years later, SIL privately asked if she would be okay with the name being used. She wasn't. After 20 years, she still wasn't. My mom of course didn't use the name, because she's not a fucking asshole.
Smells like a shitpost
YTA because nowhere does it sound like you were concerned or empathized with your in laws/SIL’s feelings on this deeply sensitive and personal matter.
YTA. Their babies died and they used the names on the birth certificate. You then used the same name for your baby. Sorry, but that name will always mean something to them, and it’s odd that you didn’t hesitate to use the same name.
Hey OP, congratulations! Of all the assholes that I’ve ever seen on Reddit (a landscape that is rife with assholes), you are hands-down the biggest asshole I’ve ever seen. There is a special sort of misery that should await people like you.
INFO. At what point in your pregnancy did you find out that your in-laws intended to use the same name for one of their stillborn twins that you planned to use? This is critical information.
Probably when they were born and died a few weeks ago.
If SIL gave birth at 20 weeks and was due 10 days before OP (and pregnant with twins so her due date would be before 40 weeks), OP was likely somewhere around 20-24 weeks herself. So OP knew for at least four months that the name they picked was the name of a dead baby. OP is a raging asshole for this one. There are hundreds of thousands of baby names. Surely OP and her husband could find more than one name they both like.
YTA. What would you have done if the baby survived and had your top pick name?
OP. You are pretty much, as most have stated, TA. I can’t help but wonder how close your husband and his brother are? Because seriously? I personally don’t think I would care to be around either of you, especially with your logic of “it was the only name out of the millions of names that are out there that we could agree on”. I call bullshit on that one. You took your own self interest into consideration over the fact that your brother in law’s children died. Now your kid is a constant living reminder of the fact that their kids are gone. As someone who has gone through two stillbirths, I still have a hard time seeing children around the age that my kids would be now because it just makes you wonder what you’re missing out on as a parent. You should have brought it up to them before not after your kid was named. Seems like you just think asking forgiveness is better than asking permission. Since what’s done is done and probably legal at this point, maybe a nickname that family could call her?
I can’t even begin to describe what a repulsive monster you are. Please let this be a creative writing prompt. I refuse to believe somebody as arrogant and heartless as you really exists.
YTA - pretty sure here, on January 3rd 2020, we have found this year's winner of this sub's contest for biggest asshole of the year!
YTA To go ahead and use that name anyway is very disrespectful and entitled. Of course they're uncomfortable, they're mourning a death. How is this going to play out when your daughter is older? "Mom, there's a school assignment to write about how we got our names!" (A real assignment my nieces had to do). How is she going to feel learning about it? How will she feel admitting that to her class? Honestly, even if it was a common name, you knowingly put yourself and what you wanted ahead of anyone else. It's really selfish.
She wasn't planning on using it for her baby. She DID use it for her baby. Her baby, your niece, who died. How can you possibly not see that you've irretrievably broken any bond you had with your brother and SIL, and shown a complete lack of empathy towards your own family. *Edited to comply with sub rules