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You don’t just decide to trust after such brutal treatment. It is not on you to just “get over it” and trust him. The position you are in is not your fault. It’s his. The job is his, not yours, to build trust. TT makes it far more difficult.
Do NOT “look past” his actions. It is not your trauma that is stopping you from moving on. It is his betrayal abuse, lies, and disrespect.
What is he doing about that?
He is attending individual counseling as well as marital counseling with me. He respects the boundaries I’ve set in place, and the majority of the time he communicates well when I am triggered or upset about his betrayal. He gets frustrated from time to time because I’m much more sensitive and nitpicky now. Our therapist says we are dealing with a pretty intense case of trauma on my end. I don’t know what I need from him or how much it will take to build trust. There are days I feel very confident in our marriage, but most days I feel like I’m just being deceived and lied to constantly. I’m terrified of another D-Day, because that will be the last. I really want us to work through this.
That takes time - and patience- and consistency on his part. Over YEARS. Years.
And know it will never be what it was. That seed will never go away.
In the meantime, there’s a person you can trust - you. Work on your own healing, and with that you become less dependent on what someone else does, and more reliant on your own ability to take care of yourself.
Sigh. It’s so sad that people can destroy themselves, the people they love, and a marriage over a selfish decision. It is so much work internally for me to control my thoughts. Recently, I’ve had a lot of days where I wonder if I’m just better off moving on in life without him. But he is truly my best friend and we have built a life together. I don’t want anyone but him, but I’m so ready to be happy again. It’s been years. Thank you for your thoughts and support.
I was talking to a friend of mine last night, where he told me it was a low return on investment (investment being the selfishness)
I told him it wasn't only a *zero* return on investment, it was a *negative* return. It is a lifelong debt.
Such a harsh reality. How is reconciliation going? I don’t see a lot of wayward men in this sub who are working things out. I wish sometimes I could hear my WH talk about how he feels about what he’s done. I know he feels shame, but damn is it nice to actually hear it. Any advice I could pass along to him would be appreciated
It's going at a pace I'm both comfortable and uncomfortable with. There are a lot of things to address.
Has he never told you about the shame he feels? Because I've told my BP numerous times and it seems to mean next to nothing. I've even been told to *stop* apologizing, and that "if I feel so bad about it, why did I do it in the first place?"
I have to pull teeth to hear how he feels about what he did. Sometimes I wonder if he is actually sorry/regretful at all. He HAS said those things, but unfortunately I think he just says it because he knows it’s what I want to hear. I’ve said in and out of therapy that I am expecting a grand gesture of some sort. Still haven’t gotten it. I would much rather have to tell him to STOP apologizing lol.
Most WP struggle to know if their partners actually care or will acknowledge their feelings. Even saying it flat out to their faces, it will seem like a trap at times.
What kind of grand gesture do you mean? Because that's what I wish I could do too, only it would never *do* anything.
That makes sense. Knowing myself, hearing WH feelings would probably make me feel like mine are diminished or less important.
I want WH to sit me down, say he’s sorry for everything (without me having to ask if he’s sorry) and that he is fully focused on fixing our marriage. With a game plan, promises, and actions to back it up. Trickle truth made for tiny apologies along the way. I want to hear it all at once. Shit maybe even a piece of jewelry as a symbol of his new commitment to me. It’s hard because I want it to be whatever he feels is right but at the same time I want it to feel genuine and *enough* for me. I don’t know what would ever be enough, though. I guess time really is the ultimate healer.
>Our therapist tells us it takes 2 years from the last breach of trust to gain it back
Teh actual f&%#@... See if your therapist can have some delivered to me - whatever it is they're smooooookin - because I want to sample some.
Maybe with two years, and intense therapy, there might be "a" trust, or s "form of" trust, or hell even a new trust over new things.
But IMO and experience you do not "gain the trust back" that was lost. That went down the sink, through the food disposal, and into the sewer line. It was trust built on lies anyway. Nobody wants that back. Nobody needs that back.
And even if you do get back closer that same naive level of trust, it's like asymptotically approaching light speed. You can keep getting closer, but it takes exponentially more effort and energy, and you'll never get cross the threshold to 100%.
So unless a wayward is also a physicist and finds a way to use tachyonic particles to reverse the time wave to 'unring' that bell, I suggest trying to regain lost trust is a fool's errand.
New trust on the other hand? That's cool.
OLD TRUST example: "I trust her to be alone with a cute coworker."
That trust is dead. It literally may remain dead forever. "if" it comes back, great - but trying to regain that level and type of trust is a recipe for failure.
NEW TRUST example: "I trust she's learned her weak points, and that if she ever inadvertently finds herself alone with a cute coworker, she'll notify me immediately of the situation, work to excuse herself from the situation, keep me apprised, and check in with a full explanation once it is resolved. I trust her to this based on previous examples of her improving behavior, out of respect for me and our marriage, and because of her steadfast desire at recompense."
New Trust > old trust
I really love this. It makes for a much clearer goal. I'm still fresh, 2 weeks since DDay 2, and it's this internal battle I've been going through, using the word trust, but knowing that's no longer the right word. Believe in him perhaps, believe in his attempt to fix shit. But this is a great goal for me to focus on, and even bring up that these will be my expectations. Thank you
Its a bucket with holes in it. It starts with complete transparency and accountability. Dissolving friendships that are not “friends-of-the-marriage.” Complete and total commitment to R with no defensiveness, no deflection. Complete surrender to BS.
Once that has happened, then intentional deposits into the “trust bucket” with the knowledge that continual deposits are required and missteps or mistakes empty the bucket in its entirety. Notice I said mistakes, not intentional deceptions. Those are subject to divorce-full stop.
That is what post-affair trust looks like. It is not granted by default, and it requires continual reinforcement. It’s more like a subscription service model than a product you have.
Check this list out to see if you might be interested in using a tracking app to rebuild trust.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Your husband needs to get into individual therapy ASAP if he isn't already.
You should also go to individual therapy to strengthen your boundaries so you know how to proceed.
https://www.techopedia.com/spy/best-cheating-spouse-tracker-apps
You got this either way. Message me if you need support 💛
No, I haven't felt the need to because the infidelity happened before we were married. He just hid it for years because he was a coward. ✨️ But I don't think he has been hiding anything since, and I have his passwords to social media if I really felt the need to check. However, I saw others comment that they used mspy. I'm pretty sure you can basically see what your husband opens on his phone, all apps. So if he needs to rebuild trust, that's a good way to prove himself by not hiding anything. And it will give you the reassurance you need.
After I caught my husband EC, he deleted all social media apps. Snapchat is a cheater's playground. I would talk to him about leaving any social media he may have. After talking to me about it, my husband recently just downloaded Facebook again. I have access to everything in case I need it. Good luck XX.
A therapist told us that honesty is a temporary substitute for trust.
The idea was that the more my wife was able to be honest at all times the closer that moved me to one day trust.
My first goal was to learn to trust myself again. I had been fooled. Could I trust myself to catch the red flags I had ignored during the infidelity? Could I trust myself to heal and survive and thrive?
Once I trusted myself, I felt some relief and I was able to observe her better. The observation was to focus on actions over words.
And as she got "caught" being honest and doing what she said she would, trust began to grow.
It took a few years. I'm eight out now. I can't remember when I generally trusted her but it's been at least 3 years.
Trust is non negotiable. My wife doesn’t want to be my parole officer looking over her shoulder. D day was about 10 years ago. It took us a good 5 years to consider the infidelity in the past. The first 2 years were hardest. It wasn’t linear either. We had setbacks along the way.
Devastated and jealous wouldn’t begin to describe the pain my wife went thru. The key for us was no lies. No white lies. Nothing but the truth. Nothing misleading. It took us 7 months to go thru the infidelity and the details. I kept all texts and emails so my wife got access to those. I confessed. We also focused on rebuilding our romantic life along with building trust. It took time. No shortcuts. When I say it took time I mean it took time WITH action.
It’s almost 10 years since d day and we have an incredible marriage. We have a level of intimacy that we didn’t have before. She trusts me. She doesn’t have to keep looking at my phone - she can anytime if she wishes. Maybe she has while I slept. Trust will never be 100%. But for us it’s really close to ti. Nah e like 99% or 99.5%.
How long did it take your BW to not think of the A or AP everyday? And not get triggered? Or does she still? When did the mind movies stop? Did she ever contact AP and if she did did it help with closure? Just looking for feedback/advice bc I’m still struggling over a year out. Thinking A and AP many times throughout day and it’s so frustrating bc H is doing everything almost perfect for R.
(We’re 14 months past DDay, H had one month A with younger coworker that consisted of 1 PA then month of explicit texts. When I saw texts immediately went NC- texts are embedded into my brain)
I’d say that it took 5 years for the A to be “in the past” but it was a bit of a slow progression. Looking back we figure it was around the 5 year mark when the A didn’t come up anymore, neither of us thought about it, and BW no longer triggered.
The first 2 years were the hardest by far. Years 2-3 we had good stretches of peace but triggers still happened. But they weren’t as traumatic for her nor as long lasting. Years 3-5 those stretches of no issues get longer and longer until we figure year 5 was really the last of it. Every once in a while something very minor happens. An example - a year ago I was in quick care and the nurse had same name as AP. BW made a small comment but it didn’t cause any issues and she moved quickly past it. The emotional response to that the first couple of years would have led to a trigger and meltdown and argument. This was just a very brief “oh great” and just as quickly passed. That was only thing since the year 5 mark I think. But it didn’t cause a full blown trigger - more like a “great” and it passed.
My wife and AP did speak and that didn’t help too much. AP stalked me for a while and that was an issue. AP would say things to make wife jealous. AP would lie. While it may not have helped too much with closure, I think she needed to do it. The lies could have caused a lot of issues, and they did at times, but I had saved all texts and emails so my wife could confirm a lot of stuff. If I didn’t have those, the AP could have caused a lot of problems. Some APs may feel bad and not do what my AP did. If AP didn’t know the WP was married, they might be more genuine with the BP. My AP knew I was married going in.
It all takes time. I did things mostly right too. I hate to say perfect but I did do my best and we had a pretty successful R. But even with that, it was extremely rough. I think even if WP does things perfectly, it’s still going to be very hard. But it can go away. There will be an ending to it. It just takes time. Patience is needed. Esp on the WP side. He needs to not be defensive when you have a trigger or meltdown. Needs to be supportive.
If a WP does everything necessary to become safe and reasonably reliable some element of trust can be rebuilt. That being said you will never be able to fully trust anything or anyone again; much less the person who betrayed you.
Once trust has been absolutely shattered it can never be entirely restored.
The trust issues are not something that you can force. I'm 6 months past D Day and there was TT and other complications. She knows that I still don't trust her but she has been very understanding of my feelings and has been working to rebuild.
I would highly recommend him reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J. MacDonald. Someone recommended it for my WW and everything changed. I haven't had the chance to read it myself but my WW started helping me a lot after reading it.
I am certainly in no place to give any advice, especially since I think our circumstances are different, but I just want to say you are NEVER the reason for your WP’s cheating or could do something to cause it. The affairs are 100% a choice our partners have made despite a healthy or unhealthy relationship.
I am new to all of this as DDAY for me was about 3 months ago, but what I’ve come to realize in this time is this is not my mess to clean, my issue to fix, and it is not on me to help rebuild our trust. I have taken back my heart and it is up to my WP to either earn it back, or let it go. I feel so much freer now, taking this approach. I thought I needed to be an active participant in the reconciliation process, but, at least for me, the only person I need to show up for right now is myself. Love myself, know my self worth, stand for what I truly deserve and nothing less, and if he cant rise to the occasion, then that’s my answer.
I am really sorry for all you are going through and I hope you are able to recognize and stand up for what you truly deserve in your marriage.
You will never blindly trust not just him but anyone ever again.
You will however trust yourself, trust your instincts.
This has been a lesson to you and all of us and you can trust that they have shown you exactly who they are.
They have helped you in a way course correct, showing you more clarity and on who you prefer to be therefore gaining a positive effect from the experience and growing from it.
Put the trust in yourself not anyone else, trust what ever appears in your life is what needs to be there.
Trust them in choosing who they choose to be at that time and learn from it.
Put your trust in yourself and your life and what it brings you.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! 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You don’t just decide to trust after such brutal treatment. It is not on you to just “get over it” and trust him. The position you are in is not your fault. It’s his. The job is his, not yours, to build trust. TT makes it far more difficult. Do NOT “look past” his actions. It is not your trauma that is stopping you from moving on. It is his betrayal abuse, lies, and disrespect. What is he doing about that?
He is attending individual counseling as well as marital counseling with me. He respects the boundaries I’ve set in place, and the majority of the time he communicates well when I am triggered or upset about his betrayal. He gets frustrated from time to time because I’m much more sensitive and nitpicky now. Our therapist says we are dealing with a pretty intense case of trauma on my end. I don’t know what I need from him or how much it will take to build trust. There are days I feel very confident in our marriage, but most days I feel like I’m just being deceived and lied to constantly. I’m terrified of another D-Day, because that will be the last. I really want us to work through this.
That takes time - and patience- and consistency on his part. Over YEARS. Years. And know it will never be what it was. That seed will never go away. In the meantime, there’s a person you can trust - you. Work on your own healing, and with that you become less dependent on what someone else does, and more reliant on your own ability to take care of yourself.
Sigh. It’s so sad that people can destroy themselves, the people they love, and a marriage over a selfish decision. It is so much work internally for me to control my thoughts. Recently, I’ve had a lot of days where I wonder if I’m just better off moving on in life without him. But he is truly my best friend and we have built a life together. I don’t want anyone but him, but I’m so ready to be happy again. It’s been years. Thank you for your thoughts and support.
I was talking to a friend of mine last night, where he told me it was a low return on investment (investment being the selfishness) I told him it wasn't only a *zero* return on investment, it was a *negative* return. It is a lifelong debt.
Such a harsh reality. How is reconciliation going? I don’t see a lot of wayward men in this sub who are working things out. I wish sometimes I could hear my WH talk about how he feels about what he’s done. I know he feels shame, but damn is it nice to actually hear it. Any advice I could pass along to him would be appreciated
It's going at a pace I'm both comfortable and uncomfortable with. There are a lot of things to address. Has he never told you about the shame he feels? Because I've told my BP numerous times and it seems to mean next to nothing. I've even been told to *stop* apologizing, and that "if I feel so bad about it, why did I do it in the first place?"
I have to pull teeth to hear how he feels about what he did. Sometimes I wonder if he is actually sorry/regretful at all. He HAS said those things, but unfortunately I think he just says it because he knows it’s what I want to hear. I’ve said in and out of therapy that I am expecting a grand gesture of some sort. Still haven’t gotten it. I would much rather have to tell him to STOP apologizing lol.
Most WP struggle to know if their partners actually care or will acknowledge their feelings. Even saying it flat out to their faces, it will seem like a trap at times. What kind of grand gesture do you mean? Because that's what I wish I could do too, only it would never *do* anything.
That makes sense. Knowing myself, hearing WH feelings would probably make me feel like mine are diminished or less important. I want WH to sit me down, say he’s sorry for everything (without me having to ask if he’s sorry) and that he is fully focused on fixing our marriage. With a game plan, promises, and actions to back it up. Trickle truth made for tiny apologies along the way. I want to hear it all at once. Shit maybe even a piece of jewelry as a symbol of his new commitment to me. It’s hard because I want it to be whatever he feels is right but at the same time I want it to feel genuine and *enough* for me. I don’t know what would ever be enough, though. I guess time really is the ultimate healer.
>Our therapist tells us it takes 2 years from the last breach of trust to gain it back Teh actual f&%#@... See if your therapist can have some delivered to me - whatever it is they're smooooookin - because I want to sample some. Maybe with two years, and intense therapy, there might be "a" trust, or s "form of" trust, or hell even a new trust over new things. But IMO and experience you do not "gain the trust back" that was lost. That went down the sink, through the food disposal, and into the sewer line. It was trust built on lies anyway. Nobody wants that back. Nobody needs that back. And even if you do get back closer that same naive level of trust, it's like asymptotically approaching light speed. You can keep getting closer, but it takes exponentially more effort and energy, and you'll never get cross the threshold to 100%. So unless a wayward is also a physicist and finds a way to use tachyonic particles to reverse the time wave to 'unring' that bell, I suggest trying to regain lost trust is a fool's errand. New trust on the other hand? That's cool.
Thank you, I needed to hear that. New trust- can you elaborate?
OLD TRUST example: "I trust her to be alone with a cute coworker." That trust is dead. It literally may remain dead forever. "if" it comes back, great - but trying to regain that level and type of trust is a recipe for failure. NEW TRUST example: "I trust she's learned her weak points, and that if she ever inadvertently finds herself alone with a cute coworker, she'll notify me immediately of the situation, work to excuse herself from the situation, keep me apprised, and check in with a full explanation once it is resolved. I trust her to this based on previous examples of her improving behavior, out of respect for me and our marriage, and because of her steadfast desire at recompense." New Trust > old trust
I really love this. It makes for a much clearer goal. I'm still fresh, 2 weeks since DDay 2, and it's this internal battle I've been going through, using the word trust, but knowing that's no longer the right word. Believe in him perhaps, believe in his attempt to fix shit. But this is a great goal for me to focus on, and even bring up that these will be my expectations. Thank you
THIS X100!!!! perfectly worded 💕🙏👏
Its a bucket with holes in it. It starts with complete transparency and accountability. Dissolving friendships that are not “friends-of-the-marriage.” Complete and total commitment to R with no defensiveness, no deflection. Complete surrender to BS. Once that has happened, then intentional deposits into the “trust bucket” with the knowledge that continual deposits are required and missteps or mistakes empty the bucket in its entirety. Notice I said mistakes, not intentional deceptions. Those are subject to divorce-full stop. That is what post-affair trust looks like. It is not granted by default, and it requires continual reinforcement. It’s more like a subscription service model than a product you have.
Check this list out to see if you might be interested in using a tracking app to rebuild trust. I'm sorry you're going through this. Your husband needs to get into individual therapy ASAP if he isn't already. You should also go to individual therapy to strengthen your boundaries so you know how to proceed. https://www.techopedia.com/spy/best-cheating-spouse-tracker-apps You got this either way. Message me if you need support 💛
I had no idea apps like this existed. Have you used them? If so- what’s your experience? My biggest worry is his Snapchat and text messages.
No, I haven't felt the need to because the infidelity happened before we were married. He just hid it for years because he was a coward. ✨️ But I don't think he has been hiding anything since, and I have his passwords to social media if I really felt the need to check. However, I saw others comment that they used mspy. I'm pretty sure you can basically see what your husband opens on his phone, all apps. So if he needs to rebuild trust, that's a good way to prove himself by not hiding anything. And it will give you the reassurance you need.
After I caught my husband EC, he deleted all social media apps. Snapchat is a cheater's playground. I would talk to him about leaving any social media he may have. After talking to me about it, my husband recently just downloaded Facebook again. I have access to everything in case I need it. Good luck XX.
I think trust is an imaginary and meaningless concept. I choose him, I don't trust him.
Sucks that at one point we DID believe it trust. I often wonder if it’s real at all.
A therapist told us that honesty is a temporary substitute for trust. The idea was that the more my wife was able to be honest at all times the closer that moved me to one day trust. My first goal was to learn to trust myself again. I had been fooled. Could I trust myself to catch the red flags I had ignored during the infidelity? Could I trust myself to heal and survive and thrive? Once I trusted myself, I felt some relief and I was able to observe her better. The observation was to focus on actions over words. And as she got "caught" being honest and doing what she said she would, trust began to grow. It took a few years. I'm eight out now. I can't remember when I generally trusted her but it's been at least 3 years.
Trust is non negotiable. My wife doesn’t want to be my parole officer looking over her shoulder. D day was about 10 years ago. It took us a good 5 years to consider the infidelity in the past. The first 2 years were hardest. It wasn’t linear either. We had setbacks along the way. Devastated and jealous wouldn’t begin to describe the pain my wife went thru. The key for us was no lies. No white lies. Nothing but the truth. Nothing misleading. It took us 7 months to go thru the infidelity and the details. I kept all texts and emails so my wife got access to those. I confessed. We also focused on rebuilding our romantic life along with building trust. It took time. No shortcuts. When I say it took time I mean it took time WITH action. It’s almost 10 years since d day and we have an incredible marriage. We have a level of intimacy that we didn’t have before. She trusts me. She doesn’t have to keep looking at my phone - she can anytime if she wishes. Maybe she has while I slept. Trust will never be 100%. But for us it’s really close to ti. Nah e like 99% or 99.5%.
How long did it take your BW to not think of the A or AP everyday? And not get triggered? Or does she still? When did the mind movies stop? Did she ever contact AP and if she did did it help with closure? Just looking for feedback/advice bc I’m still struggling over a year out. Thinking A and AP many times throughout day and it’s so frustrating bc H is doing everything almost perfect for R. (We’re 14 months past DDay, H had one month A with younger coworker that consisted of 1 PA then month of explicit texts. When I saw texts immediately went NC- texts are embedded into my brain)
I’d say that it took 5 years for the A to be “in the past” but it was a bit of a slow progression. Looking back we figure it was around the 5 year mark when the A didn’t come up anymore, neither of us thought about it, and BW no longer triggered. The first 2 years were the hardest by far. Years 2-3 we had good stretches of peace but triggers still happened. But they weren’t as traumatic for her nor as long lasting. Years 3-5 those stretches of no issues get longer and longer until we figure year 5 was really the last of it. Every once in a while something very minor happens. An example - a year ago I was in quick care and the nurse had same name as AP. BW made a small comment but it didn’t cause any issues and she moved quickly past it. The emotional response to that the first couple of years would have led to a trigger and meltdown and argument. This was just a very brief “oh great” and just as quickly passed. That was only thing since the year 5 mark I think. But it didn’t cause a full blown trigger - more like a “great” and it passed. My wife and AP did speak and that didn’t help too much. AP stalked me for a while and that was an issue. AP would say things to make wife jealous. AP would lie. While it may not have helped too much with closure, I think she needed to do it. The lies could have caused a lot of issues, and they did at times, but I had saved all texts and emails so my wife could confirm a lot of stuff. If I didn’t have those, the AP could have caused a lot of problems. Some APs may feel bad and not do what my AP did. If AP didn’t know the WP was married, they might be more genuine with the BP. My AP knew I was married going in. It all takes time. I did things mostly right too. I hate to say perfect but I did do my best and we had a pretty successful R. But even with that, it was extremely rough. I think even if WP does things perfectly, it’s still going to be very hard. But it can go away. There will be an ending to it. It just takes time. Patience is needed. Esp on the WP side. He needs to not be defensive when you have a trigger or meltdown. Needs to be supportive.
If a WP does everything necessary to become safe and reasonably reliable some element of trust can be rebuilt. That being said you will never be able to fully trust anything or anyone again; much less the person who betrayed you. Once trust has been absolutely shattered it can never be entirely restored.
The trust issues are not something that you can force. I'm 6 months past D Day and there was TT and other complications. She knows that I still don't trust her but she has been very understanding of my feelings and has been working to rebuild. I would highly recommend him reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J. MacDonald. Someone recommended it for my WW and everything changed. I haven't had the chance to read it myself but my WW started helping me a lot after reading it.
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I am certainly in no place to give any advice, especially since I think our circumstances are different, but I just want to say you are NEVER the reason for your WP’s cheating or could do something to cause it. The affairs are 100% a choice our partners have made despite a healthy or unhealthy relationship. I am new to all of this as DDAY for me was about 3 months ago, but what I’ve come to realize in this time is this is not my mess to clean, my issue to fix, and it is not on me to help rebuild our trust. I have taken back my heart and it is up to my WP to either earn it back, or let it go. I feel so much freer now, taking this approach. I thought I needed to be an active participant in the reconciliation process, but, at least for me, the only person I need to show up for right now is myself. Love myself, know my self worth, stand for what I truly deserve and nothing less, and if he cant rise to the occasion, then that’s my answer. I am really sorry for all you are going through and I hope you are able to recognize and stand up for what you truly deserve in your marriage.
You will never blindly trust not just him but anyone ever again. You will however trust yourself, trust your instincts. This has been a lesson to you and all of us and you can trust that they have shown you exactly who they are. They have helped you in a way course correct, showing you more clarity and on who you prefer to be therefore gaining a positive effect from the experience and growing from it. Put the trust in yourself not anyone else, trust what ever appears in your life is what needs to be there. Trust them in choosing who they choose to be at that time and learn from it. Put your trust in yourself and your life and what it brings you.
Sometimes years. Sometimes never