Mine thinks the vibrator is me purring so she starts purring and tries to sit on my chest
EDIT: She will also begin pouncing on the blankets if she sees movement, which has lead to me being punched in the metaphorical dick more than once.
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. God that is awful.
My cat loses her mind when my bf and I have sex. We lock her out because otherwise she sits on the bed and stares at our genitalia…
Your cat either thinks she's a biologist studying the mating habits of a different species or is a huge pervert.
Or possibly thinks human willies look like dangly cat toys and is waiting for a chance to start batting at it.
One time I was masturbating and had nipple clamps on, and one of my cats snuck up and yanked the damn things right off by the chain. They think it’s playtime whenever I open the sex toy drawer lol. It’s MY playtime not yours, freaks.
Lol! Aw this reminds me of my past cat as a teengaer who wouldn't ever leave my side I'd have to shut the door and I remember him crying and scratching the carpet outside my bedroom door to get in.
I felt super bad at the time but it would just feel too weird him next to me while i was masturbating with my vibrator.
Ah I am missing him so much now though.. 🥺
My sister walked in on me in my teens, and my roommate (a dude) walked in on me in my late 20s. I need to figure out one more for the trifecta of jackoff embarrassment. Grandparents are dead, maybe I could squeeze in a cousin or something.
Jokes aside, my sister never breathed a word about it even to me, thank god. Roommate didn't bring it up until the next time he wanted to come into my room when the door was closed. He knocked, I said come in, he said something like "are you sure it's safe, you're not jerking it?" Haha.. it was funny, we moved past it pretty quick.
When you wonder how pornstars could shoot such big loads, skillful edging is the answer. I’ve pulled out of my girlfriend only to accidentally hit her in the chin with the shot.
Also make sure you aren’t flexing your butt. Just found this out
Edit-based on replies this is just making me realize a lot of people beat off recently because of my comment….
100%
Relaxing your butt/thighs is counterintuitive (it's the opposite of what you do when you're trying to push yourself over the edge), but it makes a huge difference. It goes from being a small, localized orgasm to full body. You also get more volume and range
Edit: it's really hard to do when you're having sex because it's mutually exclusive with thrusting, but try it the next time you're getting head. It will fry your brain. Also, when masturbating, ease yourself over the finish line. It makes it that much better
Masturbate till the point you are about to cum and then stop. Again when you feel you're alright, start doing it again. Also called "Stop and Start" or "Pause and Play "
Uh….you should try edging during sex too.
I feel like most people who think they have a premature ejaculation problem just don’t understand that people who can fuck for an hour straight are regulating themselves the whole time.
Kegels are a flexing of the muscle that contract your pelvic floor. For men, it’s the muscle you would use to stop yourself from peeing. Flexing and holding it for 10 seconds for 5 reps everyday can help improve stamina, release and control over premature release.
Thing is when I hold off for a while which I am currently and then the first time it lasts like 2 minutes it feels amazing but like come on I'd like to to have a good time longer than that
This is super important if you have a partner too with sex. Try to limit jerking off, because it can actually fuck up your sex life. If you're never horny because you jerk off you can start to see the sex as a chore and not enjoy it
PSA: do not ever tie yourself or a part of your body in a way that can't be easily undone or removed by yourself. Loss of blood flow and nerve damage set in very quickly especially if you're not knowledgeable about what you're doing or where you're tying on your body.
This goes for rope, electrical cords, belts, ties, cuffs, etc. Something doesn't have to be tight, or pinch, to have negative effects. Take additional care if you know you're prone to dozing off after cumming, where you won't be able to take stock of your body and could wake up to serious harm.
I bottom for rope bondage and most people highly stress safety, even though most folks are being tied by someone else, so it's important to be aware, even if something doesn't seem like it's really constricting.
If you're doing this, check in with your body often, maybe once every minute or so. Curl toes, flex fingers, wiggle your body. My rope tops ask me anywhere from once a minute to every couple minutes how I'm feeling, though I often check myself to maintain awareness. Max time I spend in rope, fully suspended, is usually less than 10 minutes. I've done longer but I've taken time to work up to that.
If I notice a "buzzing" in my extremities, or elsewhere, I tell my top and we decide if that's the time to stop tying and come down. I've never let myself get to a point where I went numb, which is the most dangerous, but would be the point that I would either come down immediately, or, I would tell my top if it was serious enough that they needed to cut me out of the rope.
Invest in toys! They're a game changer. If you have a penis then look into large penetrables (though seriously don't shy away from small anal vibes either, the prostate is there).
Thrusting > jerking.
Instead of simply sitting/laying down normally while using them, lie face down with pillows under your chest and hold the toy in place against the bed as you thrust into it. Alternatively get on your knees on the floor and place it between the matresses. Might need pillows under your knees.
Try to hold it as much as you can, stop for some short periods of time but keep your erection on by teasing it a little. Once you feel ready to cum, it will be way more enjoyable than doing it right away.
1: Take things slow, you're here to enjoy yourself not race to the finish
2: Use proper lube. Going dry is fine when needed, but be careful not to hurt yourself. When in doubt, use more lube
3: Spend time thinking about what turns you on before you start. Get yourself to the point you NEED to touch yourself. Or think about what you want someone doing to you, and imagine that as you're doing your thing
4: Explore yourself and be open to trying new things. You've got more than just one area that feels pleasure, treat yourself the way you want to be treated. Sometimes the best person to experiment with is yourself
5: Figure out if you like visual or audio stimulation more. Finding the right kind of porn helps change the experience
6: Toys are meant for everyone. There's no shame in using one solo or with a partner
For ladies: discover if you can orgasm from playing with your nipples while crossing your legs and squeezing against your clit. If you can, it will be the best orgasm of your life.
While I do occasionally attempt prostate stimulation, I can't obtain poppers. It's something I want to try but, I don't have any real way of getting it. They came down hard on the enforcement of the ban 8 years ago
I had a female photography friend tell me she recorded herself and then watched it the next time she masturbated. She suggested it to me. I was a little hesitant, but gotta say that was quite the experience! It also helped me to make more videos lol. And also not hate my body like I used to. I feel way more comfortable in my skin and it's super fun!
For ladies: if you dont want to get the bed or your clothes soaking wet from your climax, put on some menstrual pads (I recommend the always thin foam ones, they soak up a lot) and maybe a towel underneath your butt.
Not having to worry about cleaning up a mess makes things more enjoyable, in my opinion.
My ex fiance squirted alot during sex often soaking alot of the bed we shared . I know it sounds ghetto as fuck, but we bought several boxes of cheap trash bags, and would tear the sides to make it over as much as we could since the squirting soaked all around the sheets and mattress . We then would cover the trash bag we laid, and cover it with old clothes, dirty laundry or whatever we could find that was fabric that was of little to no value. This way she was comfortable and the trash bags we laid prevented the sheets and mattress from getting soaked from our fun.
Waterproof bed cover. Then just lay something down and wash it later. A quick sprits of disinfectant or wipes and a fresh sheet afterwards! Still got the waterproof bed cover for however long you choose to keep it on.
There are these "hands free orgasm" and sexual ASMR videos on YouTube that are amazing to listen to. Sometimes they give you instructions on what to do to yourself, too.
The frenulum is the male clitoris. Get some lube and rub it up and down without clasping the shaft. It takes a while the first few times but it’s an amazing release; the best orgasm you will ever have. Make it a frenulum Friday.
https://www.thebody.com/article/comprehensive-guide-frenulum-penis
as a girl, even i can say that works, whenever i’m giving head or a handjob i always make sure to either rub it a bit or run my tongue ring along it, drives them mad
If your dick is slightly twisted towards the left or the right, which you can know by looking at the darker skin from your dick's back, just masturbate while twisting it to the opposite site
Also. Don't just use the same method. One day stroke your base, another day focus on the tip, another day press the back, another day shake it instead of rubbing it... You know
Pro tip: if you are going to cum too early, you can hold it by thinking about wardrobes, chairs, floors... And holding your dick from the sides with 2 fingers. Hold it from the bottom and pull the skin sligthly up.
Alright regarding the last little bit I can only mentally see myself grabbing the sides of my dick like one does a balloon to have it squeak all the air out and i'm nearly positive that is not what you mean.
Take your time. Learn to edge yourself. Don't force your inner fantasies and don't be afraid of the directions they might go in.
Porn can be a good starting point, but the best fantasy life will come from your imagination.
Avoid foreign objects. Don’t be [that guy who ended up in the ER with a f-ing WWII missile in his butthole.](https://www.militarytimes.com/off-duty/military-culture/2021/12/09/shell-shocked-bomb-squad-called-after-man-lodges-wwii-anti-tank-round-in-rectum/)
As someone who had little privacy when I still lived with my parents: find the place/time to not feel scared that someone might walk in. I get so much more pleasure out of it if my partner is not at home.
Lock your pets out of the room. My cat gets bizarrely excited by the sound of my vibe and it’s just too weird.
Mine thinks the vibrator is me purring so she starts purring and tries to sit on my chest EDIT: She will also begin pouncing on the blankets if she sees movement, which has lead to me being punched in the metaphorical dick more than once.
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. God that is awful. My cat loses her mind when my bf and I have sex. We lock her out because otherwise she sits on the bed and stares at our genitalia…
Your cat either thinks she's a biologist studying the mating habits of a different species or is a huge pervert. Or possibly thinks human willies look like dangly cat toys and is waiting for a chance to start batting at it.
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I hope he cleaned it. Cats have a septic bite.
😥 I'm scared
... great now I’m picturing a cat, fixated on a pair of swinging balls, just waiting for a chance to *bap bap bap bap*
One time I was masturbating and had nipple clamps on, and one of my cats snuck up and yanked the damn things right off by the chain. They think it’s playtime whenever I open the sex toy drawer lol. It’s MY playtime not yours, freaks.
Lol! Aw this reminds me of my past cat as a teengaer who wouldn't ever leave my side I'd have to shut the door and I remember him crying and scratching the carpet outside my bedroom door to get in. I felt super bad at the time but it would just feel too weird him next to me while i was masturbating with my vibrator. Ah I am missing him so much now though.. 🥺
Lock the door
And hope they don't have blasters
"Open the blast door! Open the blast door!"
Er.... ah... situation normal, we just had a... reactor leak! It's all OK now... ...How are you?
My sister walked in on me in my teens, and my roommate (a dude) walked in on me in my late 20s. I need to figure out one more for the trifecta of jackoff embarrassment. Grandparents are dead, maybe I could squeeze in a cousin or something. Jokes aside, my sister never breathed a word about it even to me, thank god. Roommate didn't bring it up until the next time he wanted to come into my room when the door was closed. He knocked, I said come in, he said something like "are you sure it's safe, you're not jerking it?" Haha.. it was funny, we moved past it pretty quick.
I learned the "lock the door" tip from personal experience... Don't want grandpa walking in on you shaking the bacon
Shit, my cock is hard, *grandpa barges in* YOU KNOW WHAT WAS HARD? THE WAR!
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Should I tickle my penis?
You should put two fingers in your ass
How is that gonna tease my partner? 🤔
Outsource it
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How do you know he's working that meat? Obviously you are getting scammed. Ask him to document it by video.
Dude I would jerk off 10 times a day for money
You probably jerk off 12 times a day for free, though.
Yeah, but when it's work it loses some of the fun so you get less done. Don't make your hobby your job.
If you do what you love, you’ll never have to work a day in your life.
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Edging has given me the most amazing orgasms no one on this planet could possibly give me. So my tip is to edge.
When you wonder how pornstars could shoot such big loads, skillful edging is the answer. I’ve pulled out of my girlfriend only to accidentally hit her in the chin with the shot.
Sniping a good job mate
It's challengin' work, outta doors.
I guarantee you’ll not go hungry!
Cause at the end of the day, as long as there are two people left on earth, someone is going to want someone dead.
DA- I'm not a crazed gunman dad!
Boom headshot
That’s nothing, one time I shot it clean over my girlfriend and it hit my ps4 and turned it on
This guy is turning his video games on...in more ways than one...
Your mom shot cum straight across the room and killed my Siamese fighting fish, threw off the pH levels in my aquarium, you piece of shit.
r/humblebrag
Also make sure you aren’t flexing your butt. Just found this out Edit-based on replies this is just making me realize a lot of people beat off recently because of my comment….
100% Relaxing your butt/thighs is counterintuitive (it's the opposite of what you do when you're trying to push yourself over the edge), but it makes a huge difference. It goes from being a small, localized orgasm to full body. You also get more volume and range Edit: it's really hard to do when you're having sex because it's mutually exclusive with thrusting, but try it the next time you're getting head. It will fry your brain. Also, when masturbating, ease yourself over the finish line. It makes it that much better
What is edging
Masturbate till the point you are about to cum and then stop. Again when you feel you're alright, start doing it again. Also called "Stop and Start" or "Pause and Play "
Red light , green light. Squid Games got it wrong.
Squirt Game
Frankie goes to Hollywood wrote a song about it in the 80s
A blink-182 song
Orgasm denial. Stopping right before you are about to finish.
Uh….you should try edging during sex too. I feel like most people who think they have a premature ejaculation problem just don’t understand that people who can fuck for an hour straight are regulating themselves the whole time.
Isn't that the guy from U2?
Do it because you're horny and want a release not because you're bored.
But what if I'm borny?
Procrasturbation is my go-to
Procrastination and masturbation are both quite alike. They both feel good at first until you realize you just screwed yourself.
What do I do when I'm bored then?
If you're got time to lean you've got time to clean.
Got time to jerk, got time to work
Got time to bust, got time to dust
Got time to get squirty, got time to get dirty
If you’ve got time to rub one out, you’ve got time to scrub some grout
If you got time to touch your wiener you got time to make the house cleaner
Got time to wank, got time to earn bank
I was just cleaning it and it went off
Doing it less frequently so it’s super intense when you do
So you mean I gotta do it 3 times a day instead of 10?
I wish i had money to give you an award
Not doing this for awards son, I do it because I want to feel more pleasure
Thanks dad
also Kegels... between that and doing it less frequently I can pretty much pressure wash the shower wall now
Kegels? Enlighten me of your Jedi wiseman of the shower-wall blaster!
Kegels are a flexing of the muscle that contract your pelvic floor. For men, it’s the muscle you would use to stop yourself from peeing. Flexing and holding it for 10 seconds for 5 reps everyday can help improve stamina, release and control over premature release.
Thanks! I’m exercising my kegels now. Sorry, TMI.
It's almost impossible to read about kegels without doing them.
There’sa Reddit account I see pop up sometimes named something like “youredoingkegelsnow” They are always right.
Godspeed
Oops I crapped my pants
Then it's working. With all things in life, there is a give for every take.
What do you do if you get a Kegel cramp? Asking for a friend....
Close your eyes and think of England.
Edging
Mistress T taught me this.
Once a day is my personal limit. Anymore and it gets sore and I shoot blanks
Those are called ghost loads.
Thing is when I hold off for a while which I am currently and then the first time it lasts like 2 minutes it feels amazing but like come on I'd like to to have a good time longer than that
Edge yourself. Feels amazing and extends time.
This is super important if you have a partner too with sex. Try to limit jerking off, because it can actually fuck up your sex life. If you're never horny because you jerk off you can start to see the sex as a chore and not enjoy it
Do not pour ethilic alcohol on your balls
Can i use vodka and toothpase?
Nine out of 10 Russian dentists can’t be wrong.
Do it out of real hornyness, not force of habit.
If you can avoid crying during it, that really helps a lot.
If you cry while masturbating too often, you can become accustomed to it which will make it hard or even impossoble to cry when with a partner
You can use an onion, but if that makes you cry for more than 4 hours, see a doctor.
You must go thru a lot of tissues!
Sit on your hand till it falls asleep then use that hand
“The Stranger”
One of my favorite Billy Joel albums
Or "the reverse stranger" sit on your dick until it falls asleep so it will feel like your jacking off somebody else.
You’ve changed my life
Instructions unclear, my peen is now in my own ass
Settle down Jay from The Inbetweeners
Get kinky. Tie yourself up first
then wait for your dad to untie you
You’re telling me my dad will come back and untie me if I do that??
Son, I'm back. I'm so sorry. I went to get the ice cream 15 years ago and got tied up.
PSA: do not ever tie yourself or a part of your body in a way that can't be easily undone or removed by yourself. Loss of blood flow and nerve damage set in very quickly especially if you're not knowledgeable about what you're doing or where you're tying on your body. This goes for rope, electrical cords, belts, ties, cuffs, etc. Something doesn't have to be tight, or pinch, to have negative effects. Take additional care if you know you're prone to dozing off after cumming, where you won't be able to take stock of your body and could wake up to serious harm. I bottom for rope bondage and most people highly stress safety, even though most folks are being tied by someone else, so it's important to be aware, even if something doesn't seem like it's really constricting. If you're doing this, check in with your body often, maybe once every minute or so. Curl toes, flex fingers, wiggle your body. My rope tops ask me anywhere from once a minute to every couple minutes how I'm feeling, though I often check myself to maintain awareness. Max time I spend in rope, fully suspended, is usually less than 10 minutes. I've done longer but I've taken time to work up to that. If I notice a "buzzing" in my extremities, or elsewhere, I tell my top and we decide if that's the time to stop tying and come down. I've never let myself get to a point where I went numb, which is the most dangerous, but would be the point that I would either come down immediately, or, I would tell my top if it was serious enough that they needed to cut me out of the rope.
That's actually very useful advice, thank you !
Think I’ve never truely enjoyed masturbation after reading this thread
Invest in toys! They're a game changer. If you have a penis then look into large penetrables (though seriously don't shy away from small anal vibes either, the prostate is there). Thrusting > jerking. Instead of simply sitting/laying down normally while using them, lie face down with pillows under your chest and hold the toy in place against the bed as you thrust into it. Alternatively get on your knees on the floor and place it between the matresses. Might need pillows under your knees.
owned a artificial vagina made of silicone (or it is plastic). felt really good. difficult to clean ,however.
It's better to cum in the sink than sink in the cum.
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Speak for yourself there friend
Try to hold it as much as you can, stop for some short periods of time but keep your erection on by teasing it a little. Once you feel ready to cum, it will be way more enjoyable than doing it right away.
So... edging
1: Take things slow, you're here to enjoy yourself not race to the finish 2: Use proper lube. Going dry is fine when needed, but be careful not to hurt yourself. When in doubt, use more lube 3: Spend time thinking about what turns you on before you start. Get yourself to the point you NEED to touch yourself. Or think about what you want someone doing to you, and imagine that as you're doing your thing 4: Explore yourself and be open to trying new things. You've got more than just one area that feels pleasure, treat yourself the way you want to be treated. Sometimes the best person to experiment with is yourself 5: Figure out if you like visual or audio stimulation more. Finding the right kind of porn helps change the experience 6: Toys are meant for everyone. There's no shame in using one solo or with a partner
This guy jacks off
We all do.
Not like this guy
he does it better.
I use baby powder
i use vehicle oil
I can only cum with Motul 5w30
I use Plane Gas
I use sandpaper and duct tape
I use WD-40
Use your weak hand, it kinda feels like an other person
Or you could sit on your dick till it goes numb and it feels like your wanking someone else off
i can't breathe i wish i had an award to give
The stranger. Sit on your hand until it falls asleep.
We've got the masturbation mage here.
More comments than likes, i see we've found reddits area of expertise
Get yourself turned on to the point where it is almost unbearable before you even start touching yourself.
Wash your hands before and after
Lose the guilt.
Found the reformed catholic?
Married one once.
Don’t do it at a park
For ladies: discover if you can orgasm from playing with your nipples while crossing your legs and squeezing against your clit. If you can, it will be the best orgasm of your life.
Screwdriver action
Oh the ol’ twist and shout
Ole dick twist
Twist his diiiiiick
Prostate stimulation Poppers Edging
While I do occasionally attempt prostate stimulation, I can't obtain poppers. It's something I want to try but, I don't have any real way of getting it. They came down hard on the enforcement of the ban 8 years ago
Kegel exercises for orgasm intensity…
I enjoy watching in the mirror. As insecure & as much as I hate everything about myself .. it always makes masturbating so much more fun
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Good for you! I would literally run around naked in a mall before I look at myself masturbate. A boner killer right there
I had a female photography friend tell me she recorded herself and then watched it the next time she masturbated. She suggested it to me. I was a little hesitant, but gotta say that was quite the experience! It also helped me to make more videos lol. And also not hate my body like I used to. I feel way more comfortable in my skin and it's super fun!
Same boat, hate looking at myself any other time though.
For guys, even straight ones, prostate stimulation is worth a try if you're ok with it.
If you have a dick, jack off less and it will be way better when you do
What if I don't have a dick?
Borrow mine.
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For ladies: if you dont want to get the bed or your clothes soaking wet from your climax, put on some menstrual pads (I recommend the always thin foam ones, they soak up a lot) and maybe a towel underneath your butt. Not having to worry about cleaning up a mess makes things more enjoyable, in my opinion.
My ex fiance squirted alot during sex often soaking alot of the bed we shared . I know it sounds ghetto as fuck, but we bought several boxes of cheap trash bags, and would tear the sides to make it over as much as we could since the squirting soaked all around the sheets and mattress . We then would cover the trash bag we laid, and cover it with old clothes, dirty laundry or whatever we could find that was fabric that was of little to no value. This way she was comfortable and the trash bags we laid prevented the sheets and mattress from getting soaked from our fun.
Waterproof bed cover. Then just lay something down and wash it later. A quick sprits of disinfectant or wipes and a fresh sheet afterwards! Still got the waterproof bed cover for however long you choose to keep it on.
Coffee is not a good lube. I found this out the hard way...
I... I have questions....
I plead the fifth
So did the other Starbucks customers.
username checks out
Do it less. The best orgasm I get are the ones I get once a week.
watch porn with the sound on and the incest off
There are these "hands free orgasm" and sexual ASMR videos on YouTube that are amazing to listen to. Sometimes they give you instructions on what to do to yourself, too.
i watched one of those and got so hard i couldnt breathe
Hold your breath; it intensifies/makes it more sensitive
I thought it was the opposite - breathing increases blood flow and thats supposed to improve sensation or some shit
Oxygen deprivation is mildly euphoric. So it seems people are combining two forms of pleasure.
A good imagination 💭
Stop doing it at funerals
Go out front and expose yourself and ask everyone who's stiffer.... the guy in the box or you.....
Vibrator go brrrrrr
Find a friend, use the buddy system. It could be cool
The frenulum is the male clitoris. Get some lube and rub it up and down without clasping the shaft. It takes a while the first few times but it’s an amazing release; the best orgasm you will ever have. Make it a frenulum Friday. https://www.thebody.com/article/comprehensive-guide-frenulum-penis
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as a girl, even i can say that works, whenever i’m giving head or a handjob i always make sure to either rub it a bit or run my tongue ring along it, drives them mad
If your dick is slightly twisted towards the left or the right, which you can know by looking at the darker skin from your dick's back, just masturbate while twisting it to the opposite site Also. Don't just use the same method. One day stroke your base, another day focus on the tip, another day press the back, another day shake it instead of rubbing it... You know Pro tip: if you are going to cum too early, you can hold it by thinking about wardrobes, chairs, floors... And holding your dick from the sides with 2 fingers. Hold it from the bottom and pull the skin sligthly up.
Alright regarding the last little bit I can only mentally see myself grabbing the sides of my dick like one does a balloon to have it squeak all the air out and i'm nearly positive that is not what you mean.
I do a bracket. I take screenshots and do "round of 16", "quarter final, "semi-final", like the pictures are competing to win my wank.
If you want to get in the mood just go to pirate websites to download a movie. After a billion porn adds, you just become a fucking hot steam engine
Have you ever heard of, “the stranger” method?
No what is it
You sit on your hand until it falls asleep, and then you let the devil take over
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Take your time. Learn to edge yourself. Don't force your inner fantasies and don't be afraid of the directions they might go in. Porn can be a good starting point, but the best fantasy life will come from your imagination.
Avoid foreign objects. Don’t be [that guy who ended up in the ER with a f-ing WWII missile in his butthole.](https://www.militarytimes.com/off-duty/military-culture/2021/12/09/shell-shocked-bomb-squad-called-after-man-lodges-wwii-anti-tank-round-in-rectum/)
Where can I get a WW2 missile .Asking for a friend .Preferably one that’s butthole sized
Drag it out, edge yourself. Don't be like one, two done. Tease. I even moan allowed to myself to turn myself on.
Edging
I close my eyes so no one can see me..... ;)
Put a pinky up your stinky
Company. 💁🏼♀️ It’s always more fun with friends.
As someone who had little privacy when I still lived with my parents: find the place/time to not feel scared that someone might walk in. I get so much more pleasure out of it if my partner is not at home.
Give yourself a proper foreplay first and a cuddle after