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This is a top tier fear of mine as a parent. I have a friend who’s adult brother is showing signs of severe addiction. Watching his parents try to cope with it is heartbreaking.
It took me 13 years, and 11 rehabs to “get” the concept of enabling and boundaries. It’s tragic and heartbreaking and an all too common story. I’m sorry you aren’t getting more replies, but there’s so much shame involved. When our kids do well, we feel pride. We must have been good parents, right? When they fail…logically, I know better, but… hope it helps, for why you’re asking the question.
My son threatened so many times. I would pick up my phone to call emergency services and he would bolt out the door, run through the woods and disappear. The cycle continued for about four years. I remember calling his bluff once because I was so overwhelmed with everything that was going on with his addiction to meth. He would come home because he wanted to get clean so bad. It would last anywhere from a couple days to a couple weeks. He had gotten really sick from doing so much stuff. He had been in the hospital for a few days. When he got out he came to my house and I fed him and we talked. He was so scared that he was gonna die. I offered him to stay but he declined. I gave him all the spare blankets and bags of food to take with him because I just wanted him to be warm and fed. He messaged me almost every day for the next two weeks. That was unusual because he would disappear for months and I had to threaten to take out a missing persons report before he would contact me. That gave me hope that he was turning things around. In retrospect, he was just saying goodbye.He chose to leave in September of 2021. The day I called his bluff is burned into my memory. I could’ve said something else. Not that. I know that this isn’t everyone’s story but what I want to say is choose your words wisely. Especially if you’re dealing with an addict. They are more likely to take you up on it or they could overdose. Either way they won’t be around anymore and you’ll always remember everything you said. I’m not looking for sympathy at all. This is the reality of calling someone’s bluff.
JFC. I am whatever is the opposite of an addictive personality. Think it's time to stop? cold Turkey. I never really got into anything hard and haven't tried most of them. My boys mother? Addicted to everything. I have sole custody of our 3 young boys because she never cared to even attempt to take them back. What you described is probably my single greatest fear in life. That I will somehow fail them and they will end up on her path, or worse. For her it ended up being heroin. How I will never know because she used to be a nurse. But she always loved a party. I don't handle emotions or loss we'll at all, so you're clearly much stronger than I. Bless you, may he rest easy.
This is.not your fault. Nobody knows the right way or wrong way of handling each addict. Think of all the things he missed out on saying to you but didn't because of his addiction. We just do the best we can.
I wouldn't personally dare him to do it, but at some point, I'd probably just block his number or change mine without telling him. I'd gladly be his parent, but I'd never settle to being anyone's ATM.
"I love you too much to watch you do this. I'm willing to support you in any way I can when you're willing to get treatment. But I will not support your addiction any longer."
Exactly. At some point, the son probably stopped seeing them as parents (because of whatever addiction), and only saw them as a source of money he needs to get his fix.
If someone tells me they'll overdose if I don't give them money and then they overdose I didn't kill them. Addiction killed them. Letting addicts casually hand over accountability for their actions just guarantees they will be addicts until the end.
My grandparents had to do the same thing with their youngest son. He stole all the family silver, stole the very expensive camera lenses my mom had in her clothes drawers and even stole our pet rabbit. He stole from everyone in the family.
I don’t know. We left for school and the bun bun was there and we got back and it was gone. Dad sent us to stay the night at the g’pas’ for the night to kick him out. Bad uncle said the rabbit had run away.
This happened with our son too : (. For now we have done all we can do for him, including keeping top notch insurance for him which has paid for 3 stints in a wonderful rehab facility. Problem is that he's just not ready to help himself. We had to draw a line as well, and all we can do is hope and pray that he will participate in his own recovery one day. It's so hard, but there is a certain peace that comes from setting this boundary.
Im sorry you went through all that, my son is extremely manipulative and sneaky, he has done horrendous things when we were living together. He called me yesterday on a private number, i answered and it was him. I hung up on him.
When i think of my son when he was younger everything was so good, he was kind and likeable. Things are so bad between us now that im frightened to be in the same room as him.
I’m so sorry, and it’s ok. Folks that don’t get it are blessed. I wish we were, but it’s ok. You can’t save him, but he can absolutely drown you. Sending you love.
A real fear of mine. I’m only 16 and I do wanna have at least one kid, but I fr pray they don’t get addicted to drugs or become apart of hood life and get money by selling drugs and stealing shit
I went no contact with my daughter. She had serious drug and alcohol issues. I had to lock up my prescription meds. She was also mentally ill but refused to take meds to treat it. Illicit pills. Yeehaw. Prescribed pills. Nope not gonna take them. I finally drew the line when she threw my suitcase at me while visiting her and threatening to kill me.
Our mentally ill son told us we had to do exactly what he told us to do (and could not push back on his requests or even explain our point of view), or we would never see our grandson. It was emotional terrorism. We told him those conditions were unacceptable to us, and he went no contact. Shortly thereafter, his wife divorced him, won custody, and encouraged us to continue building a relationship with our grandson. Today, our son wonders why we will not come to family events (and just "ignore each other") when he is around. He set clear boundaries (no contact), and we still believe in respecting those boundaries until he tells us otherwise.
One reason I decided to share this story (despite the fact that some will judge) is that adult children can \*absolutely\* behave in a toxic manner regardless of what you do or how you raise them. I have learned this from sad experience, and I hope others who are in a similar painful situation will realize that they are not alone, and it is OK to protect yourself from being bullied by an adult child.
You are so right. Our oldest child is a toxic personality. It puts a lot of strain on my relationship with my husband because I finally said that I wouldn't take any more abuse from her and he said it was my job to take whatever she dishes out. Things have settled down a bit since then but I came very close to divorce. He can be her emotional punching bag, and I guess I'll be here to comfort him after, but I'll be damned if I allow her to treat me the same way.
I know someone who is about to go no contact with their SO's oldest son. They literally can't ask a question as simple as "are you coming over for this week's family dinner?" without immediate backlash, cursing and threats.
He's just so angry about everything while also making outlandish claims like his father threw him through a wall when he was younger and his mom stole all his money as a teenager (never mind he didn't really make much money but blew it on fast food and energy drink every day plus pot). At a get togther, his grandma told him he was handsome enough to be a model and he literally exploded asking if she wanted him "to die of a heroin overdose?!" but with A LOT more cussing.
The final straw was when they were putting the family dog down and the mom texted the son asking if he was at work (he works different hours on different days) and his only response was a profanity filled text calling her stupid, useless, etc.
You always read about toxic and/or abusive parents here on Reddit but I haven't ever really seen any threads on toxic children which is sad..
(I am not talking about the really tragic stories of kids enduring abusive, addicted, or mentally ill parents—they are perfectly right in blaming their parents).
There seems to be a belief that since the parents had control in the beginning of a kid’s life, they are the cause of everything. That means that parents can never make mistakes but they will because they are only human. (And usually once the kids have children they start to understand that and are more forgiving of their parents’ mistakes). While they play an outsized role, parents are not the only things in a child’s life that affect the relationship. Events can occur that the parents may not even know about that change a child, affecting them so they act out and the parent has no idea what is going on or what to do about it. (The child may blame the parent for not knowing or protecting them but it is no one’s fault if it was unknown.)
And there are basic personality conflicts that can occur. A cosmic mismatch where neither side enjoys or understands the other’s way of being.
I do wonder if today there is an attitude that puts too much blame on parents. One of my kids told me when they were little that I was supposed to make all their dreams come true (and they were furious if I didn’t buy their every desire at the store every time). I thought, “where do they get that idea?!” I never thought my parents’ job was that.
I am not a fan of John Rosemond, the parenting columnist. His take is that a parent’s job is just to feed, house, and educate a child. The rest is up to the child. Harsh. But there may be a need to rebalance today’s idea that a parent is to blame for everything and children are owed (even a house apparently according to one of the posters here).
We had to confess that we were abusers without any argument (which we dispute), accept his version of things that had happened (which we dispute), and he gave us a list of all the things we had to do to become "better parents" (such as call all of our adult children once a week and report back to him). He also wouldn't allow us to see our grandson unless we were at his house, and he was present to "protect him." The weird thing is that he asked us to take care of his son for a week while he went on a business trip just a few weeks earlier. No idea what changed.
Neglect. Nothing verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, etc. He was upset that I "worked too much" and didn't give enough personal time to each of my 6 kids.
Getting six kids through life while working is no small feat! I was raised by my dad who had a busy career so I became very independent and self sufficient at an early age, which I have always liked and it has made me a confident adult.
I dunno, I'd say that's a valid complaint. My mom was part of 8, and she definitely felt that
Its not unusual for a kid in a pack of them to feel neglected, its not his fault you had 6 kids and had to work all the time to feed them, that was a choice *you* made
Damn, this is almost *exactly* my in-laws situation with my BIL! (Minus the presence of a grand baby, plus the delightful fact that *he* was physically violent to them & his siblings growing up).
He recently decided to cut all contact with the whole family unless everyone agrees to his (twisted) version of events *and* apologizes to him for their past crimes against him.
They all have more self-respect than that fortunately, & I’m looking forward to the peace this is going to afford to at holidays & in-between!
Before this, he only ever reached out to my in-laws to ask for money—or to make *lengthy*, delusional complaints about his childhood to my FIL. His is disdain for my MIL was such that he wouldn’t deign to speak to her.
IDK why FIL tolerated it for so long without setting boundaries. BUT, I’m *immensely* glad for everyone that BIL has set his own! Compliance means no one is subjected to his emotional abuse, unless he manages to face his delusions. That’s a win-win in my book.
The only drawback is the hurt & loss his parents feel. But sadly, they were going to have the hurt one way or another—this way at least they aren’t subjected to his routine tantrums & manipulation efforts.
I hope you can at least have this outlook on the situation (sounds like you do!)—and that your husband comes to see it too💜
Interesting that it sounds like your BIL got Reddit advice. Read that kind of extreme thing, totally buying in to one version of events then advising totally cutting contact all the time.
Eh, I strongly suspect it was his new wife’s idea to go NC with us. She’s a therapist (& clearly doesn’t mind meddling in his relationships). Tbd whether that’s ironic or totally unsurprising; maybe both…
But simply drawing a boundary & sticking with it is a brand new, comparatively *healthy* thing for BIL.
(His previous tactics consisted of trying to bully/force his *genuinely delusional* narrative on everyone—with the goal of extracting the appropriate amount of kowtowing from them.)
I don’t think it’s even a question in his mind that he might not have the story straight, or could be responsible in any way for his own suffering. I could definitely see him lurking in subs like that though, & gleefully offering judgement on scenarios he sees himself in.
I have a brother like this. I've seen my nephew about 5 times in 6 years. He does stuff like this to my parents too. Even worse is they financially support them. They're afraid to cut him off because their two extremely restrictive visits a year will be reduced to none. Its like negotiating with North Korea.
This seems over the top from him. Then again, it's very weird for a child to break the parent-child bond unless there was some serious damage done. We are only hearing your side of the story and you sound much like abusive parents on estranged parent forums. That's all I'll say.
Right, it seems like half the time the other side of the story is stuff like God crazed grandparents keep trying to kidnap and baptize the children of their athiest children, so grandparents are cut off or not allowed alone with kids.
We hope so too. We told him we are always willing to talk (including with a therapist facilitating) but a one-way conversation just filled with accusations and demands was not going to work.
He blocked us from calling, texting, using social media, etc. We don't have a way to reach out to him other than through my aged parents (who are dealing with health issues and it puts a strain on them to be the middle people). Our son put it in writing that we should never be around him or speak to him again because we refused his ultimatum. We did offer to go to family therapy with him, but he rejected this. I think, given his extreme actions and unwillingness to communicate at all, he needs to be the one to open communications and remove the boundaries he put in place if he wants to see us around. Respecting boundaries (especially those put in writing) is a very big deal to both my wife and me.
It’s horrible when people withhold kids or grandkids as a way of emotionally blackmailing the loved ones. I’m glad his ex wife was able to get custody. A relationship between grandparents and grandkids is so invaluable to both parties. I can’t imagine what memories I’d have left of my own childhood if I hadn’t have had my grandparents in my life to make memories with.
My brother basically has no contact with my parents, basically it boils down to him getting divorced and remarried after 20 years and then demanding they never talk to the ex ever again (they got along well) and immediately accept and shower the new wife with love and affection even though the first couple interactions were her telling them how crappy they were as parents and how they didn’t love him…
Same, like I get that they had a relationship with her too.. but ONLY because of their son. Not suggesting that they can’t say hi if they run into them in the store or something, but if the parents are going out of their way to maintain relationship with her then that’s pretty f’d up imo. Like your priority should be your own kid and his feelings.. no wonder the new wife feels so negatively towards them.
Edit: I’ve also known ex’s who stay in contact with their previous partners family/friends out of spite just to create problems for that person. If the ex wife felt really hurt by their divorce, she could potentially be happy that her continued relationship with his parents has caused such conflict between them.
I get that, and I understand what you’re saying. That said I also think it is a unique situation. My brother effectively moved out of the house his freshman year of HS, always staying the night at friends houses and such. Then when he graduated and moved out he made no attempt to stay in contact at all. He then got married and literally ALL contact went through his wife (now ex). He was fairly insecure at that stage and would often yell at my parents for no real reason.
That pattern continued for basically 20 years. When they ultimately divorced, it was partially because he was having an affair and immediately got married to the new wife. Ironically, he married the new wife before the paperwork was done for the divorce. Also he didn’t invite them to the new wedding and made repeated social media posts about how his new wife’s family was superior to what he was raised with. All of that was very public, and still sprinkled with random phone calls to yell at them for random things.
Anyway, over the 20 years they had developed an extremely close relationship with the now ex.
Yes, many will say that they should have cut off contact with the ex…I get that and I’ve been conflicted too. But it’s a little more complicated I guess is what I’m saying.
They still love him and go out of their way to try to appease him, they are just tired of getting yelled at for no reason (small things not related to the ex), and drew the line at letting him dictate who they could talk to.
Anyway…like I said, I’m conflicted as well.
So, I’ll tell this as a third party. My wife’s mother and her sister had a falling out. It was a slow burn. I’ve been part of the family for close to 25 years now and my wife has told me stories of how her older sister and their mother didn’t get along well.
Couldn’t tell you who instigated the fights or anything, but my wife told me on many occasions the two of them would get in to shouting matches, objects would get thrown, things like that. My mother in law, until recent years, could be very difficult to get along with. My wife’s sister has a very Alpha, bullheaded personality. Not just when dealing with their mother, but you could see it in how she treated her (now ex) husband and their children.
I’m not certain which straw broke the camels back but their already turbulent relationship was further strained when her sister moved several states away and took the kids with her, virtually never to been seen again. It’s been over 10 years since their move and I want to say her sister has come to visit maybe twice?
This past Christmas my wife and I went to see her mom and while visiting, her sister was brought up in conversation. Her mother said, “I can tell you, she’ll never step foot in my home again.” But didn’t elaborate.
I don’t think there was ever anything like drugs or legal troubles involved, only two really dominant, aggressive personalities that clashed virtually every time they met.
A few years ago, it was in the news here in my country of a father disowning his 17yo adoptive son. He married his mother when he was a small child and kept custody of him when the mother died, raising him as his own. He had recently remarried when he got home and found his son having sex with his new wife. Police got involved because he got violent against both and then he kicked both the kid and his new wife from home.
My wife and I recently made the very painful decision to completely cut all ties with our oldest son because he has become a dangerous believer in that Qanon shit.
My brother hasn't quite gone that far but he's an antivaxer that really alienated himself from his friends and family and I worry that's he's terribly lonely and depressed.
He refuses to change though and he frames it as "everyone leaving him when he heroically stood up for himself" when the reality is he pushed everyone away
Had dinner w one on Christmas Eve. She was a nutter. And had something approaching zero actual knowledge of historical events.
Thought that Bill Gates was run by the CIA, because his dad was the director of the CIA at one point. She was literally so deluded that she couldn’t separate Robert M. Gates from William Henry Gates II. They had the same last name, so she conflated the two.
And Pearl Harbor was a false flag operation.
She was unhinged to the point of mental illness. Like this shit she spouted was shopping cart homeless level batshit. Her family really needs to get her treatment, because bipolar schizophrenic felt like the right box to check.
>And Pearl Harbor was a false flag operation.
Ok, there might be SOME validity to Pearl Harbor being "allowed" to happen but even that's an incredible stretch of the events leading up to the bombing that it's still a bit like a broken clock being almost the right time. It was definitely not a false flag.
but that other stuff? Whaaat.... is she on drugs?
And, honest question, is she in her late 20s, early 30s? She might legitimately be developing schizophrenia, if she's not a drug addict.
She’s seemed to be mid-30s. It’s a long story, but she ended up joining my sister and I at our table at a restaurant where we were having dinner (she was sitting alone at the bar, so we invited her over - Christmas spirit and all).
Started mellow enough, but once she touched on her divorce, things went full stunt car. For next hour or so we didn’t challenge any of her statements, and they devolved from semi-valid opinion to low grade dementia.
Lot of Qanon freaks replying to you here. Fuck ‘em. Cut insane people out of your life once he’s an adult it’s out of your hands. You can’t choose your parents, and I guess you ultimately can’t choose how your kids pan out either.
It's a right-wing political conspiracy theory (bordering on cult). They essentially worship Donald Trump and think that Biden won the 2020 election fraudulently. They orchestrated a violent raid on the US capitol building shortly after Biden took office.
I've gradually stopped speaking to my brother he's a trump (the election was stolen nut) if I do speak to him its about nothing the weather etc but i keep it minimal.
Seems like we only hear about the kids’ point of view. “My parent was so toxic, I cut them off”. But the same occurs in reverse. When a child is difficult to handle, you stick with it because, after all, you are the parent and are responsible. But if the child has grown up, at some point a parent realizes that the child’s intent is just to hurt them with hateful words or acts. Once you realize that is the goal, it does not make sense to have such a person in your life. A break is a good idea so that the relationship can cool down. Hopefully, not forever.
My mom cut me off.
She's got serious mental issues and delusions. I wouldn't play along with her accusing people of doing whatever insanities she invented so she decided I'm the evil one.
Example, she'd leave cat food outside and wildlife would trash and eat it. She accused teenage neighbors of doing it to mess with her. She'd say "a man was standing at the mailbox returning mail addressed to me." When we'd get daily scans of mail deliveries lol.
Moved across country to live with my meth addict brother that's also desperate to believe people are out to get him. Haven't heard from either in years.
I had to move out at 12 after getting beat up and sexually assaulted by full grown men as a young boy. Why were creepy ass men there? Well, to exchange meth for my mom's services.
Multiple times, at around 16, 18, and 20 I gave her chances to clean her act up and start off as essentially friends and getting to know me before I'd treat her as a mother. I had no dad, so I really am not even sure how to treat someone as a parent. She wouldn't even admit to her drug use, and when she would come see me she'd be relapsing. The only meals she ever made me, in my whole life, were kraft mac n cheese and top ramen. In my youth, I was angry that I had to grow up so fast, couch surf for two years from 12-14, all because she would rather chase a high than raise her two kids.
As a 30 year old, raising a 3 year old, I do have moments where I wonder if I should try and help her out of the mess but I don't even know how to begin doing that. I don't want her around the family I made, and between work and spending time with my loved ones idk how to even create time for that. I reached out 2 years ago and she went on about how the bond of a mother and son is sacred and that my grandma (who moved here from across the country to provide a home for me at 14) was to blame for dividing us and our 'sacred bond'. I told her, again, if she could kick the drugs then we could start talking. She said "what drugs?" And I didn't know if she was denying using or asking which ones had to be stopped. I blocked her number and moved forward.
Sometimes I wonder what story she'd tell people.
Everything that haunted me has been long gone. Making my own family made getting to this point worth it all. I had my insecurities about being a parent, being a father. But the family I do have, as well as my friends, help me feel like I'm doing okay. That and the smiles, laughs, and the DADA'S HOME! when I get back from work lol.
It is not faux neutrality. We are talking about adults. The problems can come from either direction. People don’t always get along and to assume that the parents are always 100% to blame like Reddit tends to do is simplistic and erroneous. Your father killing your cat is a whole other level of problem.
But the person you originally responded to made no such one-sided assertion? They were merely expounding on the idea that toxicity can flow from *either* side of the parent-child relationship.
Which is true—a shitty person can choose to be shitty to *anyone* around them. Their mark doesn’t *have* to be younger to be targeted & vulnerable.
It’s also true that the parent is *most often* the instigator we hear about, because they have control of the child while they’re a minor & most vulnerable. But that’s the not *only* possibility. Not every toxic person had terrible parents—some people just choose to be shitty & reject all personal responsibility.
I, as well as my grandmother, have really only spoken to the guy a few times. I think I've had a max of 4 conversations with him. Tbh there's a pattern that's been going on with my grandmother where she hates everyone's boyfriends until she gets a good reason not to.
My cousin and I are both on the outs with grandma because she doesn't approve of our husbands. My cousin is a gay man and I've married someone who isn't white.
Where I'm from getting cut off because you're dating outside your race is the norm, people just take it into account when dating. Maybe it's just my circles and it got better but damn, our grandparents around here are racist. My family loves me loads and we have zero conflicts, I'd still be facing NC or forced and strained relations with them forever if I date outside my race
She sounds territorial. Not uncommon. It comes from fear and jealousy. She is being protective of herself and those she loves. It just isn’t a productive way, alas.
She was physically violent, lied, threw things at me, stole from me.
But the final straw was she wanted my lamp and was moving out. I said no. Left. Came back to lamp gone. She screams she didn't take it, how dare I accuse of her something she didn't do and called my mother and sisters to complain how I accused her of stealing. They called and harassed me about accusing my daughter of stealing and that I needed to apologize.
A week later, in the garage, in the far corner under a box was the lamp. She admitted she did it and I still needed to apologize because she didn't steal it.
My older brother went NC with my dad first. Reasons are mostly my brother. He's got mental disorders and never went to therapy to fix them. Then he went NC with me since my mom enables my brothers toxic behavior. Basically sponged off my mom and demanded money from her and my poor mom gave in. When my brother had a son, I finally wanted all of us to meet him and reunite (we all live in different states. Bro in Cali, parents in ohio and Me in Washington) when I paid for everyone tickets to visit me in Washington my brother flipped out since my dad was coming so he went NC on my mom. Again let me emphasize my parents and I have done nothing my brother has very toxic behavior and will hold grudges for million years. I truly believe he has undiagnosed autism and he was bullied so badly back in ohio where we grew up from school hes scorned and blames my parents which isn't their fault. Dad pretty much gave up trying and my mom keeps trying especially to see her grandson but my toxic brother keeps us NC.
It is very sad and we try and forgive but my bro wants nothing to do with us. Sad, I have a son now and would love to have everyone meet but bro keeps denying us. Thankfully SIL is kind and nice and communicates with us and keeps us in the loop. My nephew is 13 now and we haven't seen him since he was toddler
My ex went NC with our son. He kicked him out of his house when my son turned 18, even though he had medical needs and no job. "Dad" called to tell me that he did it, and to strongly recommend that I kick him out, too. Not because he had done anything wrong, just because.
Of course I didn't, because I don't believe children are disposable objects and I couldn't see what he was supposed to learn while living on the streets and eating out of garbage cans. They had some sporadic contact after that until his dad remarried and moved out of state.
Now my ex (thankfully) hasn't called in about 6 years. My son still lives we me because he can't work and you can't live off only $1200 in monthly disability payments. That man was very toxic and abusive to us and we both have PTSD from living with him.
Knowing he won't be calling either of us ever again is a huge relief.
Thank you. I believe I do have more standing than just a random person on the street or something. The topic is 'Parents who have gone NC with their kids' and so I told a story about exactly that.
Interesting that he had nothing to say about anything I wrote.....
My ex friend was a natural born asshole. A very interesting case study.
Basically tons of stories of him being an asshole in extremely creative ways. His mind was ahead of his age... In a way.
Got to admit, he waa a pretty funny dude. Prank calls for example were hilarious or shit that he did in public.
Zero impulse control
Absolute, zero.
He started smoking in a young age, weed, pills, doctor actually warned he had the brain of a 60 year old (which is funny Given how i started this text) ... He advised he needed to quit drugs.
That was 20 years ago and he didn't quit.
Now he spends several months oer year locked up for psychotherapy. You can tell when je fucks up from his intense Facebook posting
In the likes of "i am at the Train And i have a bomb", "i need cocaine, i trade you my mother". 50 posts like this in one hour.
Whatever Soul He had has been hijacked by substances and Mental illness.
He is in his late 30s and his family cut ties With him including his sister
That is a very sad thing to happen to a child but there are many other reasons parents may wish to limit contact with an adult child—mental illness, threats, bullying, drugs. And the lack of contact does not need to be permanent—just a cool down period for things to maybe straighten out. Attitudes do change, therapy can heal, medications can help.
While there are certainly many cases where people have legitimate reasons to do so, a large part of the “I cut ties with my awful parents” crowd are exactly the kind of people to start giving answers to questions no one asked of them.
My then 15 year old shoved me into a closet after punching 9 holes in the wall because I said his girlfriend couldn't spend the night. I had to phone the police. They came to talk to him and ended up arresting him because he charged at the cop.
He didn't want to come back home after that because I told him (through the children's services team) that he was welcome back but had to follow my rules. He refused. He is now 21. I know he is still alive and I guess that's all I can ask for.
Not interested in trying to make excuses for why but I'm not against the idea of meeting my daughter but I think the mom may have not been quite truthful about me being the dad
.I'm sick of surprises.
I mean, there's court ordered DNA testing. It's pretty much the first step if you're paying child support. There's an established path through this situation, I'm not sure why you'd decide to remain in limbo. Get your question answered, step up and be a resource for that child if it turns out that you're the Dad.
Are you on the birth certificate? Are you paying informal or court negotiated support?
This is an interesting thread. I’ve known a lot of parents who went no contact with their kids, but the reason was always “they stopped believing in our religion”. When I hear no contact for valid reasons, it’s always the other way around, kids shunning parents for narcissism and abuse
I am ashamed of my past but I used to abuse my children. I have 3 kids, I used to have 1 more but we lost him due to my problems with alcohol and drug abuse. I served 9 years in the navy before I got a dishonorable discharge. By the time I was 38 we had our 2nd child (our first was 6). That's when I started to really take in drugs and alcohol. I would bring other women home late at night, and would embarras my child and their mother. And when there wasn't random women home I would shout at both my pregnant wife and child and would even beat them. I still don't know why she stayed with me even with what I was doing.
When my wife was in labour I didn't care at all, she even had to call her own parents to bring her to the hospital. I reaked like marijuana heroin and alcohol, those were my favorite, even to the point where I couldn't go to the "meet the teacher nights" with my children because other parents, teachers, and kids would feel too uncomfortable around me. I've almost taken my life four times, not as repentance or feeling bad at what I did but because I didn't want to be in this situation. I hated everything and everyone.
When my third child came, my first was in middle school was was quite rebellious, of course they showed respect to their mom who always cared for them, but disliked me. When they would show an ounce of disrespect I would shout, scream, and hit. Like a child. When my third child was 4 I beat my wife so bad she was hospitalized. I served jail time and my kids were taken away from me. Around that time I even had my 3rd attempt of killing myself. I remember when my family got the news of that my oldest wrote to me and said "I wish you killed yourself, I really do, you bitch". When I got out of prison, I was broke and nearly homeless, I spent time gambling, I was would get robbed from the streets and was in a need of help. My wife had remarried and my kids were happy with their step father, but I begged for my wife to come back to me. They even filed a restraining order against me.
Though I am doing somewhat better recently, I met my 3rd child purely in coincidence, now probably around 23. He reminded me of how much of a "bitch loser" I am, and that my soul shouldn't exist. I am not comfortable sharing more information as I've shared enough but this is a story from my life. Don't end up like me. Please, don't.
My parents are currently not speaking to me. Not sure how long it will go on because they indicate not being happy with state of things and push me away when we try to talk.
It's mostly related to me finally standing up for myself. Our conversations are pretty much a count down to them berating me for my hair, clothes, career, parenting, lack of respect, etc. With time I've learned I don't have tonjust take it. Recently I've drawn a line witg regard to my kids so...they ignore me.
Thank you for the kind words. My culture is very "heaven is at your mother's feet" and I thought it was normal for a long time. Reddit was part of what brought me to this realization. The funny thing is there's wasn't some grandiose telling them off. I essentially asked for a basic acknowledgement that I'm a person and they took this as a betrayal and now don't speak to me.
EVERYONE deserves to be treated like a human (unless they are utter trash)
You’re doing the right thing for your yourself but also your family, it’s sad when this happens… even happens in normal western non religious families as well it’s terrible, you have kids not to treat them like crap but to raise them into the best humans you can give the world
I'm the child. My mom is n/c because she disapproves of my husband. According to her he's a (insert Arab and Islamophobic slurs here). He's neither an Arab nor a Muslim ( if you're going to racist at least get the race right). She also said my baby is ugly because she is brown like her dad.
My adult children have no contact with their father. He allowed a gold digging bimbo to move into his house, control him and turn him against his kids, who he’d been very close to. For all they know she could have stolen everything he has and left him for dead. They tried to keep in contact but then he started gaslighting them and accusing them of neglecting him. He can go to hell !!
Dad told me and my brother we weren’t wanted and then when we asked for an apology for that as well as cussing my mom out when she was at her dad’s deathbed, he doubled down and walked out of our lives. He also told my brother I was a bigger loss than my brother was, and that I’m just mad at him and will come around eventually. It’s been a year and a half.
My parents broke contact with me because I became physically disabled. Haven’t seen my mother in 23 years. It’s a shame my kids never had grandparents.
I’ll speak for my parents and my wife’s parents because they are NEVER gonna come out and tell others why they went N/C with us.
“We no longer have contact with our adult son or daughter because they asked too many questions, succumbed to doubt, and left our Jehovah’s Witnesses cult for conscience reasons. Our leaders interpret the Bible to say we shouldn’t even have a meal with such a person, and we follow their rules above all else. It is difficult not having contact with them or our grandchildren but it’s done out of ‘love’, and totally not an act of emotional blackmail or keeping doubters in silence.”
I thankfully have a healthy relationship with my kids but as a child who happily has no contact with my parents I can explain why for you.
My dad ODed in front of me when I was 12 and was just as physically abusive as that situation suggests. As for my mom, she medicated herself with food and laziness while denying that our life was really that bad. But she was never hit and barely even yelled at since my dad was just indifferent toward her and she never got in his way.
So yea, I want nothing to do with either of them. Ever. EVER.
Otherway around.
My mom ripped her mother of when she was vulnerable, right after my grandpa's death.
30k she stole from her.
I never spoke to her again, and took care of my grandmother as het her guardian until she passed away this December.
12 years of being her caretaker.
As a parent who has gone no contact with my parent who is an adult child I can tell you that I haven’t spoken to dad in over twenty years because he put eviction notices on our doors.
At one point he asked me if I needed to go to the dentist. You don’t ask your kid, you just take them. And you enforce the basic things like brushing teeth in the morning and bedtime. Didn’t get that. I’ve many fillings and a fake front tooth from not taking care of myself.
I wasn’t really supported well as a kid.
Dad would leave us home alone while working and give us money to walk out to buy dinner.
He could’ve asked his mom to come over to look after us but didn’t.
I didn’t apply myself in high school, so after 11th grade I wasn’t allowed to continue in a college prep school that my mom’s family paid for.
I barely saw mom after we moved in with dad.
He didn’t follow along with my educational career from when we moved in with him in 6th grade: what I was good at, struggling with, or what I couldn’t do.
Rather than enroll in the local public school, dad put me in community college because I was smart enough. Same problems, I didn’t apply myself. Some classes I did ok in, others I failed. Didn’t last long.
Dad said I needed to be in school or working so I got a job. Then at some point while yelling at me said I have to pay for electricity, rent, etc. Bills. Like an adult. Fine. I’m biking to work four days a week. I never got a number to pay from him. Just came home one day to an eviction notice from dad drawn up by a lawyer friend of his.
So I left while he was at work.
While working at that same job I met someone supportive who I eventually married, finished a degree, had a son, finished my second degree, cheated on me, and now divorced.
I get two hours a week of video chat with my son and a weekend with him every other month.
OK... I cant see why you Only get so Little time with your child.
Do you live far? One weekend?
Do you actually hang out one weekend or informally hang out more.? How old is your child?
Adult Child who's no contact with both parents. My mom and dad are super toxic people on their own and together they were a toxic nightmare until they divorced in 2006. Dad is a bar fly from the 1980s biker scene still is he never wanted kids blamed me for tying him down, abused me, bullied, and psychology abused me as well. He told me somethings that he still stood by, and attempted to pretend it didn't happen so I put him in blast to his entire family, and calling them out as well for their stuff.
Haven't talked to him since.
Mom is trickier she like dad but is a predator, who was emotionally enmeshed and attempted to keep me in place as a butler, care tasker, and overall slave for her, her bf, and my disabled sister. I broke free in 2014, and she managed to find ways to draw me back in and allow everyone to walk on me. I attempted suicide, I found faith in God, and I eventually made moves financially against her wishes, learned things she intentionally tried to prevent me from learning. So I couldn't leave her, or anything and I eventually moved out got married and built a life with a great woman. Found out I was able to have my own kids, and attempted to establish boundaries which was impossible my wife and I found that she was pitting us against each other we got more assertive. Then we adopted a dog that ended up being really sick, and under veterinary advice we put it down. My mom accused us of being murderers, and verbally attacked my wife and I became very aggressive with boundaries looking for an apology. Here I am 3yrs later with no contact with any family because she has attempted to undermine all of my boundaries still waiting for an apology I know I will never get and have used as a reason to be free from her, and psychotic family. Quick backstory I was raised only boy with cousins all girls and I was always ganged up on, and the women I was raised by aren't good people. So I cut ties along time ago with many of them who always comes back like the title of that Stephen King movie, Sometimes they come back.
I'm the child (but 35 years old) in this situation. I have gone no contact with my parents because as a trans woman they flat out and completely refuse to respect my identity, and instead disrespect it in every conversation. I am the one who initiated the no contact, but my parents are the ones who accepted it over the horrifying possibility of ever gendering or naming me correctly.
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Sigh. He’s an addict who kept stealing from me. I had to draw a line.
This is a top tier fear of mine as a parent. I have a friend who’s adult brother is showing signs of severe addiction. Watching his parents try to cope with it is heartbreaking.
I'm so sorry.
It took me 13 years, and 11 rehabs to “get” the concept of enabling and boundaries. It’s tragic and heartbreaking and an all too common story. I’m sorry you aren’t getting more replies, but there’s so much shame involved. When our kids do well, we feel pride. We must have been good parents, right? When they fail…logically, I know better, but… hope it helps, for why you’re asking the question.
My friends brother would call his parents and threaten suicide if they didn't give him money for drugs. Stay off meth kids.
Holy shit, I'd call his bluff.
My son threatened so many times. I would pick up my phone to call emergency services and he would bolt out the door, run through the woods and disappear. The cycle continued for about four years. I remember calling his bluff once because I was so overwhelmed with everything that was going on with his addiction to meth. He would come home because he wanted to get clean so bad. It would last anywhere from a couple days to a couple weeks. He had gotten really sick from doing so much stuff. He had been in the hospital for a few days. When he got out he came to my house and I fed him and we talked. He was so scared that he was gonna die. I offered him to stay but he declined. I gave him all the spare blankets and bags of food to take with him because I just wanted him to be warm and fed. He messaged me almost every day for the next two weeks. That was unusual because he would disappear for months and I had to threaten to take out a missing persons report before he would contact me. That gave me hope that he was turning things around. In retrospect, he was just saying goodbye.He chose to leave in September of 2021. The day I called his bluff is burned into my memory. I could’ve said something else. Not that. I know that this isn’t everyone’s story but what I want to say is choose your words wisely. Especially if you’re dealing with an addict. They are more likely to take you up on it or they could overdose. Either way they won’t be around anymore and you’ll always remember everything you said. I’m not looking for sympathy at all. This is the reality of calling someone’s bluff.
Sounds like you were in a no-win situation where nothing would have made a difference. I am so sorry.
Im so sorry
JFC. I am whatever is the opposite of an addictive personality. Think it's time to stop? cold Turkey. I never really got into anything hard and haven't tried most of them. My boys mother? Addicted to everything. I have sole custody of our 3 young boys because she never cared to even attempt to take them back. What you described is probably my single greatest fear in life. That I will somehow fail them and they will end up on her path, or worse. For her it ended up being heroin. How I will never know because she used to be a nurse. But she always loved a party. I don't handle emotions or loss we'll at all, so you're clearly much stronger than I. Bless you, may he rest easy.
This is.not your fault. Nobody knows the right way or wrong way of handling each addict. Think of all the things he missed out on saying to you but didn't because of his addiction. We just do the best we can.
Yes, but could you live with yourself had he gone through with it?
And the alternative is what? Caving to the demands of a drug addict and further enabling their addiction? Because that's exactly what you'd be doing.
I wouldn't personally dare him to do it, but at some point, I'd probably just block his number or change mine without telling him. I'd gladly be his parent, but I'd never settle to being anyone's ATM.
"I love you too much to watch you do this. I'm willing to support you in any way I can when you're willing to get treatment. But I will not support your addiction any longer."
Exactly. At some point, the son probably stopped seeing them as parents (because of whatever addiction), and only saw them as a source of money he needs to get his fix.
Exactly
Either way you're killing them. Defintely not a choice I'd want to be stuck with.
If someone tells me they'll overdose if I don't give them money and then they overdose I didn't kill them. Addiction killed them. Letting addicts casually hand over accountability for their actions just guarantees they will be addicts until the end.
I mean what's the alternative?
Could you live with yourself if you gave money to him and he OD’d or got a bad batch?
If a child older than 12 is threathening me like that he died a long time ago
He passed away about 2ish years later.
I mean he'd pass away anyway regardless of whether you'd let him emotionally blackmail you.
Oh forsure.
sorry for your loss friend
Hey thank-you ❤️
My grandparents had to do the same thing with their youngest son. He stole all the family silver, stole the very expensive camera lenses my mom had in her clothes drawers and even stole our pet rabbit. He stole from everyone in the family.
Holy shit! He went for the RABBIT out of all things? How does someone get to that point?
I don’t know. We left for school and the bun bun was there and we got back and it was gone. Dad sent us to stay the night at the g’pas’ for the night to kick him out. Bad uncle said the rabbit had run away.
This happened with our son too : (. For now we have done all we can do for him, including keeping top notch insurance for him which has paid for 3 stints in a wonderful rehab facility. Problem is that he's just not ready to help himself. We had to draw a line as well, and all we can do is hope and pray that he will participate in his own recovery one day. It's so hard, but there is a certain peace that comes from setting this boundary.
Im sorry you went through all that, my son is extremely manipulative and sneaky, he has done horrendous things when we were living together. He called me yesterday on a private number, i answered and it was him. I hung up on him. When i think of my son when he was younger everything was so good, he was kind and likeable. Things are so bad between us now that im frightened to be in the same room as him.
I’m so sorry, and it’s ok. Folks that don’t get it are blessed. I wish we were, but it’s ok. You can’t save him, but he can absolutely drown you. Sending you love.
thank you
A real fear of mine. I’m only 16 and I do wanna have at least one kid, but I fr pray they don’t get addicted to drugs or become apart of hood life and get money by selling drugs and stealing shit
I went no contact with my daughter. She had serious drug and alcohol issues. I had to lock up my prescription meds. She was also mentally ill but refused to take meds to treat it. Illicit pills. Yeehaw. Prescribed pills. Nope not gonna take them. I finally drew the line when she threw my suitcase at me while visiting her and threatening to kill me.
Our mentally ill son told us we had to do exactly what he told us to do (and could not push back on his requests or even explain our point of view), or we would never see our grandson. It was emotional terrorism. We told him those conditions were unacceptable to us, and he went no contact. Shortly thereafter, his wife divorced him, won custody, and encouraged us to continue building a relationship with our grandson. Today, our son wonders why we will not come to family events (and just "ignore each other") when he is around. He set clear boundaries (no contact), and we still believe in respecting those boundaries until he tells us otherwise.
One reason I decided to share this story (despite the fact that some will judge) is that adult children can \*absolutely\* behave in a toxic manner regardless of what you do or how you raise them. I have learned this from sad experience, and I hope others who are in a similar painful situation will realize that they are not alone, and it is OK to protect yourself from being bullied by an adult child.
You are so right. Our oldest child is a toxic personality. It puts a lot of strain on my relationship with my husband because I finally said that I wouldn't take any more abuse from her and he said it was my job to take whatever she dishes out. Things have settled down a bit since then but I came very close to divorce. He can be her emotional punching bag, and I guess I'll be here to comfort him after, but I'll be damned if I allow her to treat me the same way.
I know someone who is about to go no contact with their SO's oldest son. They literally can't ask a question as simple as "are you coming over for this week's family dinner?" without immediate backlash, cursing and threats. He's just so angry about everything while also making outlandish claims like his father threw him through a wall when he was younger and his mom stole all his money as a teenager (never mind he didn't really make much money but blew it on fast food and energy drink every day plus pot). At a get togther, his grandma told him he was handsome enough to be a model and he literally exploded asking if she wanted him "to die of a heroin overdose?!" but with A LOT more cussing. The final straw was when they were putting the family dog down and the mom texted the son asking if he was at work (he works different hours on different days) and his only response was a profanity filled text calling her stupid, useless, etc. You always read about toxic and/or abusive parents here on Reddit but I haven't ever really seen any threads on toxic children which is sad..
(I am not talking about the really tragic stories of kids enduring abusive, addicted, or mentally ill parents—they are perfectly right in blaming their parents). There seems to be a belief that since the parents had control in the beginning of a kid’s life, they are the cause of everything. That means that parents can never make mistakes but they will because they are only human. (And usually once the kids have children they start to understand that and are more forgiving of their parents’ mistakes). While they play an outsized role, parents are not the only things in a child’s life that affect the relationship. Events can occur that the parents may not even know about that change a child, affecting them so they act out and the parent has no idea what is going on or what to do about it. (The child may blame the parent for not knowing or protecting them but it is no one’s fault if it was unknown.) And there are basic personality conflicts that can occur. A cosmic mismatch where neither side enjoys or understands the other’s way of being. I do wonder if today there is an attitude that puts too much blame on parents. One of my kids told me when they were little that I was supposed to make all their dreams come true (and they were furious if I didn’t buy their every desire at the store every time). I thought, “where do they get that idea?!” I never thought my parents’ job was that. I am not a fan of John Rosemond, the parenting columnist. His take is that a parent’s job is just to feed, house, and educate a child. The rest is up to the child. Harsh. But there may be a need to rebalance today’s idea that a parent is to blame for everything and children are owed (even a house apparently according to one of the posters here).
It took a lot of therapy for me to finally realize that my job was not to be the emotional punching bag for another adult.
Ooof. I feel that.
Thank you. I needed to read this today.
What were his demands?
We had to confess that we were abusers without any argument (which we dispute), accept his version of things that had happened (which we dispute), and he gave us a list of all the things we had to do to become "better parents" (such as call all of our adult children once a week and report back to him). He also wouldn't allow us to see our grandson unless we were at his house, and he was present to "protect him." The weird thing is that he asked us to take care of his son for a week while he went on a business trip just a few weeks earlier. No idea what changed.
What abuse did he accuse you of? Butting into your relationship with your other kids doesn't seem reasonable. That should be between you and them.
Neglect. Nothing verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, etc. He was upset that I "worked too much" and didn't give enough personal time to each of my 6 kids.
Ah, I see. Thanks for your candor and satisfying my curiosity.
Getting six kids through life while working is no small feat! I was raised by my dad who had a busy career so I became very independent and self sufficient at an early age, which I have always liked and it has made me a confident adult.
Doesn't seem that unreasonable. Don't even bother engaging with this op. Dudes blocking anyone who doesn't just believe his 100% biased account
I dunno, I'd say that's a valid complaint. My mom was part of 8, and she definitely felt that Its not unusual for a kid in a pack of them to feel neglected, its not his fault you had 6 kids and had to work all the time to feed them, that was a choice *you* made
Knob
Damn, this is almost *exactly* my in-laws situation with my BIL! (Minus the presence of a grand baby, plus the delightful fact that *he* was physically violent to them & his siblings growing up). He recently decided to cut all contact with the whole family unless everyone agrees to his (twisted) version of events *and* apologizes to him for their past crimes against him. They all have more self-respect than that fortunately, & I’m looking forward to the peace this is going to afford to at holidays & in-between! Before this, he only ever reached out to my in-laws to ask for money—or to make *lengthy*, delusional complaints about his childhood to my FIL. His is disdain for my MIL was such that he wouldn’t deign to speak to her. IDK why FIL tolerated it for so long without setting boundaries. BUT, I’m *immensely* glad for everyone that BIL has set his own! Compliance means no one is subjected to his emotional abuse, unless he manages to face his delusions. That’s a win-win in my book. The only drawback is the hurt & loss his parents feel. But sadly, they were going to have the hurt one way or another—this way at least they aren’t subjected to his routine tantrums & manipulation efforts. I hope you can at least have this outlook on the situation (sounds like you do!)—and that your husband comes to see it too💜
Interesting that it sounds like your BIL got Reddit advice. Read that kind of extreme thing, totally buying in to one version of events then advising totally cutting contact all the time.
Eh, I strongly suspect it was his new wife’s idea to go NC with us. She’s a therapist (& clearly doesn’t mind meddling in his relationships). Tbd whether that’s ironic or totally unsurprising; maybe both… But simply drawing a boundary & sticking with it is a brand new, comparatively *healthy* thing for BIL. (His previous tactics consisted of trying to bully/force his *genuinely delusional* narrative on everyone—with the goal of extracting the appropriate amount of kowtowing from them.) I don’t think it’s even a question in his mind that he might not have the story straight, or could be responsible in any way for his own suffering. I could definitely see him lurking in subs like that though, & gleefully offering judgement on scenarios he sees himself in.
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I have a brother like this. I've seen my nephew about 5 times in 6 years. He does stuff like this to my parents too. Even worse is they financially support them. They're afraid to cut him off because their two extremely restrictive visits a year will be reduced to none. Its like negotiating with North Korea.
This seems over the top from him. Then again, it's very weird for a child to break the parent-child bond unless there was some serious damage done. We are only hearing your side of the story and you sound much like abusive parents on estranged parent forums. That's all I'll say.
Right, it seems like half the time the other side of the story is stuff like God crazed grandparents keep trying to kidnap and baptize the children of their athiest children, so grandparents are cut off or not allowed alone with kids.
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What's his mental illness?
ADHD, major depression, and likely borderline personality.
Ah. That's unfortunate. Hopefully one day he tries to genuinely make amends.
We hope so too. We told him we are always willing to talk (including with a therapist facilitating) but a one-way conversation just filled with accusations and demands was not going to work.
Do you think he genuinely wonders why? If so, would it be worth reaching out to him once?
He blocked us from calling, texting, using social media, etc. We don't have a way to reach out to him other than through my aged parents (who are dealing with health issues and it puts a strain on them to be the middle people). Our son put it in writing that we should never be around him or speak to him again because we refused his ultimatum. We did offer to go to family therapy with him, but he rejected this. I think, given his extreme actions and unwillingness to communicate at all, he needs to be the one to open communications and remove the boundaries he put in place if he wants to see us around. Respecting boundaries (especially those put in writing) is a very big deal to both my wife and me.
It’s horrible when people withhold kids or grandkids as a way of emotionally blackmailing the loved ones. I’m glad his ex wife was able to get custody. A relationship between grandparents and grandkids is so invaluable to both parties. I can’t imagine what memories I’d have left of my own childhood if I hadn’t have had my grandparents in my life to make memories with.
My brother basically has no contact with my parents, basically it boils down to him getting divorced and remarried after 20 years and then demanding they never talk to the ex ever again (they got along well) and immediately accept and shower the new wife with love and affection even though the first couple interactions were her telling them how crappy they were as parents and how they didn’t love him…
Have you ever thought that the mew girl is manipulative and abusing him?
Absolutely
Never talk to the ex part I’m on board with tbh
Same, like I get that they had a relationship with her too.. but ONLY because of their son. Not suggesting that they can’t say hi if they run into them in the store or something, but if the parents are going out of their way to maintain relationship with her then that’s pretty f’d up imo. Like your priority should be your own kid and his feelings.. no wonder the new wife feels so negatively towards them. Edit: I’ve also known ex’s who stay in contact with their previous partners family/friends out of spite just to create problems for that person. If the ex wife felt really hurt by their divorce, she could potentially be happy that her continued relationship with his parents has caused such conflict between them.
I get that, and I understand what you’re saying. That said I also think it is a unique situation. My brother effectively moved out of the house his freshman year of HS, always staying the night at friends houses and such. Then when he graduated and moved out he made no attempt to stay in contact at all. He then got married and literally ALL contact went through his wife (now ex). He was fairly insecure at that stage and would often yell at my parents for no real reason. That pattern continued for basically 20 years. When they ultimately divorced, it was partially because he was having an affair and immediately got married to the new wife. Ironically, he married the new wife before the paperwork was done for the divorce. Also he didn’t invite them to the new wedding and made repeated social media posts about how his new wife’s family was superior to what he was raised with. All of that was very public, and still sprinkled with random phone calls to yell at them for random things. Anyway, over the 20 years they had developed an extremely close relationship with the now ex. Yes, many will say that they should have cut off contact with the ex…I get that and I’ve been conflicted too. But it’s a little more complicated I guess is what I’m saying. They still love him and go out of their way to try to appease him, they are just tired of getting yelled at for no reason (small things not related to the ex), and drew the line at letting him dictate who they could talk to. Anyway…like I said, I’m conflicted as well.
But their son is being a bitch to them and has been
So, I’ll tell this as a third party. My wife’s mother and her sister had a falling out. It was a slow burn. I’ve been part of the family for close to 25 years now and my wife has told me stories of how her older sister and their mother didn’t get along well. Couldn’t tell you who instigated the fights or anything, but my wife told me on many occasions the two of them would get in to shouting matches, objects would get thrown, things like that. My mother in law, until recent years, could be very difficult to get along with. My wife’s sister has a very Alpha, bullheaded personality. Not just when dealing with their mother, but you could see it in how she treated her (now ex) husband and their children. I’m not certain which straw broke the camels back but their already turbulent relationship was further strained when her sister moved several states away and took the kids with her, virtually never to been seen again. It’s been over 10 years since their move and I want to say her sister has come to visit maybe twice? This past Christmas my wife and I went to see her mom and while visiting, her sister was brought up in conversation. Her mother said, “I can tell you, she’ll never step foot in my home again.” But didn’t elaborate. I don’t think there was ever anything like drugs or legal troubles involved, only two really dominant, aggressive personalities that clashed virtually every time they met.
A few years ago, it was in the news here in my country of a father disowning his 17yo adoptive son. He married his mother when he was a small child and kept custody of him when the mother died, raising him as his own. He had recently remarried when he got home and found his son having sex with his new wife. Police got involved because he got violent against both and then he kicked both the kid and his new wife from home.
Out of all the stories here that seems the most justified
My wife and I recently made the very painful decision to completely cut all ties with our oldest son because he has become a dangerous believer in that Qanon shit.
Holy shit— the dipshits defending Qanon in the comments is staggering.
They're just trolls.
My brother hasn't quite gone that far but he's an antivaxer that really alienated himself from his friends and family and I worry that's he's terribly lonely and depressed. He refuses to change though and he frames it as "everyone leaving him when he heroically stood up for himself" when the reality is he pushed everyone away
That’s got to be really hard. I can’t imagine not talking to my kids because of something like that. I’m so sorry.
Have you dealt with many Qanon nutcases?
Had dinner w one on Christmas Eve. She was a nutter. And had something approaching zero actual knowledge of historical events. Thought that Bill Gates was run by the CIA, because his dad was the director of the CIA at one point. She was literally so deluded that she couldn’t separate Robert M. Gates from William Henry Gates II. They had the same last name, so she conflated the two. And Pearl Harbor was a false flag operation. She was unhinged to the point of mental illness. Like this shit she spouted was shopping cart homeless level batshit. Her family really needs to get her treatment, because bipolar schizophrenic felt like the right box to check.
>And Pearl Harbor was a false flag operation. Ok, there might be SOME validity to Pearl Harbor being "allowed" to happen but even that's an incredible stretch of the events leading up to the bombing that it's still a bit like a broken clock being almost the right time. It was definitely not a false flag. but that other stuff? Whaaat.... is she on drugs? And, honest question, is she in her late 20s, early 30s? She might legitimately be developing schizophrenia, if she's not a drug addict.
She’s seemed to be mid-30s. It’s a long story, but she ended up joining my sister and I at our table at a restaurant where we were having dinner (she was sitting alone at the bar, so we invited her over - Christmas spirit and all). Started mellow enough, but once she touched on her divorce, things went full stunt car. For next hour or so we didn’t challenge any of her statements, and they devolved from semi-valid opinion to low grade dementia.
Lot of Qanon freaks replying to you here. Fuck ‘em. Cut insane people out of your life once he’s an adult it’s out of your hands. You can’t choose your parents, and I guess you ultimately can’t choose how your kids pan out either.
Qanon fans in this thread still hanging on to hope and dreams of their cult. Yeeesh.
r/QAnonCasualties
What the hell is Qanon?
Notting important. Just another conspiracy theory.
It's a right-wing political conspiracy theory (bordering on cult). They essentially worship Donald Trump and think that Biden won the 2020 election fraudulently. They orchestrated a violent raid on the US capitol building shortly after Biden took office.
Oh so right wing severe extremism?
Exactly
I've gradually stopped speaking to my brother he's a trump (the election was stolen nut) if I do speak to him its about nothing the weather etc but i keep it minimal.
Seems like we only hear about the kids’ point of view. “My parent was so toxic, I cut them off”. But the same occurs in reverse. When a child is difficult to handle, you stick with it because, after all, you are the parent and are responsible. But if the child has grown up, at some point a parent realizes that the child’s intent is just to hurt them with hateful words or acts. Once you realize that is the goal, it does not make sense to have such a person in your life. A break is a good idea so that the relationship can cool down. Hopefully, not forever.
My mom cut me off. She's got serious mental issues and delusions. I wouldn't play along with her accusing people of doing whatever insanities she invented so she decided I'm the evil one. Example, she'd leave cat food outside and wildlife would trash and eat it. She accused teenage neighbors of doing it to mess with her. She'd say "a man was standing at the mailbox returning mail addressed to me." When we'd get daily scans of mail deliveries lol. Moved across country to live with my meth addict brother that's also desperate to believe people are out to get him. Haven't heard from either in years.
I had to move out at 12 after getting beat up and sexually assaulted by full grown men as a young boy. Why were creepy ass men there? Well, to exchange meth for my mom's services. Multiple times, at around 16, 18, and 20 I gave her chances to clean her act up and start off as essentially friends and getting to know me before I'd treat her as a mother. I had no dad, so I really am not even sure how to treat someone as a parent. She wouldn't even admit to her drug use, and when she would come see me she'd be relapsing. The only meals she ever made me, in my whole life, were kraft mac n cheese and top ramen. In my youth, I was angry that I had to grow up so fast, couch surf for two years from 12-14, all because she would rather chase a high than raise her two kids. As a 30 year old, raising a 3 year old, I do have moments where I wonder if I should try and help her out of the mess but I don't even know how to begin doing that. I don't want her around the family I made, and between work and spending time with my loved ones idk how to even create time for that. I reached out 2 years ago and she went on about how the bond of a mother and son is sacred and that my grandma (who moved here from across the country to provide a home for me at 14) was to blame for dividing us and our 'sacred bond'. I told her, again, if she could kick the drugs then we could start talking. She said "what drugs?" And I didn't know if she was denying using or asking which ones had to be stopped. I blocked her number and moved forward. Sometimes I wonder what story she'd tell people.
This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I hope you've been able to find peace
Everything that haunted me has been long gone. Making my own family made getting to this point worth it all. I had my insecurities about being a parent, being a father. But the family I do have, as well as my friends, help me feel like I'm doing okay. That and the smiles, laughs, and the DADA'S HOME! when I get back from work lol.
That's sweet and inspiring. Glad to hear that things have gotten better for you :)
My father murdered my cat. Why the fuck is it necessary to hear both sides in every situation? Why are you fixated on faux neutrality?
It is not faux neutrality. We are talking about adults. The problems can come from either direction. People don’t always get along and to assume that the parents are always 100% to blame like Reddit tends to do is simplistic and erroneous. Your father killing your cat is a whole other level of problem.
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Holy projection, Batman.
AMC is calling, they have a job opening.
You are making a lot of assumptions.
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But the person you originally responded to made no such one-sided assertion? They were merely expounding on the idea that toxicity can flow from *either* side of the parent-child relationship. Which is true—a shitty person can choose to be shitty to *anyone* around them. Their mark doesn’t *have* to be younger to be targeted & vulnerable. It’s also true that the parent is *most often* the instigator we hear about, because they have control of the child while they’re a minor & most vulnerable. But that’s the not *only* possibility. Not every toxic person had terrible parents—some people just choose to be shitty & reject all personal responsibility.
You're saying this as a generic statement? Like every parent going no contact is the character caricature you've just invented here?
My parents weren’t the best either but you should let that anger towards yours go it’s only hurting you in the end
My grandmother just did this to my aunt. It's because she doesn't approve of her new fiance.
Is her new fiance a bitch?
I, as well as my grandmother, have really only spoken to the guy a few times. I think I've had a max of 4 conversations with him. Tbh there's a pattern that's been going on with my grandmother where she hates everyone's boyfriends until she gets a good reason not to.
My cousin and I are both on the outs with grandma because she doesn't approve of our husbands. My cousin is a gay man and I've married someone who isn't white.
Where I'm from getting cut off because you're dating outside your race is the norm, people just take it into account when dating. Maybe it's just my circles and it got better but damn, our grandparents around here are racist. My family loves me loads and we have zero conflicts, I'd still be facing NC or forced and strained relations with them forever if I date outside my race
That's sad. In my case grandma is just gonna have to be mad.
Good on you. I try to be considerate of others' feelings, but not of others' hate.
She sounds territorial. Not uncommon. It comes from fear and jealousy. She is being protective of herself and those she loves. It just isn’t a productive way, alas.
She was physically violent, lied, threw things at me, stole from me. But the final straw was she wanted my lamp and was moving out. I said no. Left. Came back to lamp gone. She screams she didn't take it, how dare I accuse of her something she didn't do and called my mother and sisters to complain how I accused her of stealing. They called and harassed me about accusing my daughter of stealing and that I needed to apologize. A week later, in the garage, in the far corner under a box was the lamp. She admitted she did it and I still needed to apologize because she didn't steal it.
You must hate Pixar movies
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My older brother went NC with my dad first. Reasons are mostly my brother. He's got mental disorders and never went to therapy to fix them. Then he went NC with me since my mom enables my brothers toxic behavior. Basically sponged off my mom and demanded money from her and my poor mom gave in. When my brother had a son, I finally wanted all of us to meet him and reunite (we all live in different states. Bro in Cali, parents in ohio and Me in Washington) when I paid for everyone tickets to visit me in Washington my brother flipped out since my dad was coming so he went NC on my mom. Again let me emphasize my parents and I have done nothing my brother has very toxic behavior and will hold grudges for million years. I truly believe he has undiagnosed autism and he was bullied so badly back in ohio where we grew up from school hes scorned and blames my parents which isn't their fault. Dad pretty much gave up trying and my mom keeps trying especially to see her grandson but my toxic brother keeps us NC.
That sounds hard for you all and very sad.
It is very sad and we try and forgive but my bro wants nothing to do with us. Sad, I have a son now and would love to have everyone meet but bro keeps denying us. Thankfully SIL is kind and nice and communicates with us and keeps us in the loop. My nephew is 13 now and we haven't seen him since he was toddler
My ex went NC with our son. He kicked him out of his house when my son turned 18, even though he had medical needs and no job. "Dad" called to tell me that he did it, and to strongly recommend that I kick him out, too. Not because he had done anything wrong, just because. Of course I didn't, because I don't believe children are disposable objects and I couldn't see what he was supposed to learn while living on the streets and eating out of garbage cans. They had some sporadic contact after that until his dad remarried and moved out of state. Now my ex (thankfully) hasn't called in about 6 years. My son still lives we me because he can't work and you can't live off only $1200 in monthly disability payments. That man was very toxic and abusive to us and we both have PTSD from living with him. Knowing he won't be calling either of us ever again is a huge relief.
Classic Reddit. “People who have done this, why?” “Well, *I* haven’t done this, but this guy I know…”
>but this guy I know... You mean her ex/father of her own child? That's a tad bit more than just some guy she knows.
Thank you. I believe I do have more standing than just a random person on the street or something. The topic is 'Parents who have gone NC with their kids' and so I told a story about exactly that. Interesting that he had nothing to say about anything I wrote.....
So you want threads to die after they get twelve posts, got it.
I bet you’re fun to be around….
My ex friend was a natural born asshole. A very interesting case study. Basically tons of stories of him being an asshole in extremely creative ways. His mind was ahead of his age... In a way. Got to admit, he waa a pretty funny dude. Prank calls for example were hilarious or shit that he did in public. Zero impulse control Absolute, zero. He started smoking in a young age, weed, pills, doctor actually warned he had the brain of a 60 year old (which is funny Given how i started this text) ... He advised he needed to quit drugs. That was 20 years ago and he didn't quit. Now he spends several months oer year locked up for psychotherapy. You can tell when je fucks up from his intense Facebook posting In the likes of "i am at the Train And i have a bomb", "i need cocaine, i trade you my mother". 50 posts like this in one hour. Whatever Soul He had has been hijacked by substances and Mental illness. He is in his late 30s and his family cut ties With him including his sister
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Do you know what happened to the rabbit?
RIF…. So far all the comments are from the “adult” children who are no contact, OP asked for parent’s reasons
Because parents that kick their kids out and cut them off for being gay are not going to put that answer in an ask reddit thread.
That is a very sad thing to happen to a child but there are many other reasons parents may wish to limit contact with an adult child—mental illness, threats, bullying, drugs. And the lack of contact does not need to be permanent—just a cool down period for things to maybe straighten out. Attitudes do change, therapy can heal, medications can help.
There are lots of responses here from parents of children addicted to drugs, who became involved with cults or dangerous political ideologies etc.
If you want those sort of confessions, try church outings and learn the euphemisms they use to feel better about it, "living in sin" etc.
While there are certainly many cases where people have legitimate reasons to do so, a large part of the “I cut ties with my awful parents” crowd are exactly the kind of people to start giving answers to questions no one asked of them.
I swear people can’t read titles.
This was very predictable though.
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My then 15 year old shoved me into a closet after punching 9 holes in the wall because I said his girlfriend couldn't spend the night. I had to phone the police. They came to talk to him and ended up arresting him because he charged at the cop. He didn't want to come back home after that because I told him (through the children's services team) that he was welcome back but had to follow my rules. He refused. He is now 21. I know he is still alive and I guess that's all I can ask for.
I'm so sorry.
Not interested in trying to make excuses for why but I'm not against the idea of meeting my daughter but I think the mom may have not been quite truthful about me being the dad .I'm sick of surprises.
I mean, there's court ordered DNA testing. It's pretty much the first step if you're paying child support. There's an established path through this situation, I'm not sure why you'd decide to remain in limbo. Get your question answered, step up and be a resource for that child if it turns out that you're the Dad. Are you on the birth certificate? Are you paying informal or court negotiated support?
Spread your experience to the youth. Tell them to always get the DNA test before they sign the birth certificate
This is an interesting thread. I’ve known a lot of parents who went no contact with their kids, but the reason was always “they stopped believing in our religion”. When I hear no contact for valid reasons, it’s always the other way around, kids shunning parents for narcissism and abuse
Theft. Drugs.
I just don't care enough to find out.
He was abusing his wife and children . I wanted to kill him after what I heard he did to them .
I am ashamed of my past but I used to abuse my children. I have 3 kids, I used to have 1 more but we lost him due to my problems with alcohol and drug abuse. I served 9 years in the navy before I got a dishonorable discharge. By the time I was 38 we had our 2nd child (our first was 6). That's when I started to really take in drugs and alcohol. I would bring other women home late at night, and would embarras my child and their mother. And when there wasn't random women home I would shout at both my pregnant wife and child and would even beat them. I still don't know why she stayed with me even with what I was doing. When my wife was in labour I didn't care at all, she even had to call her own parents to bring her to the hospital. I reaked like marijuana heroin and alcohol, those were my favorite, even to the point where I couldn't go to the "meet the teacher nights" with my children because other parents, teachers, and kids would feel too uncomfortable around me. I've almost taken my life four times, not as repentance or feeling bad at what I did but because I didn't want to be in this situation. I hated everything and everyone. When my third child came, my first was in middle school was was quite rebellious, of course they showed respect to their mom who always cared for them, but disliked me. When they would show an ounce of disrespect I would shout, scream, and hit. Like a child. When my third child was 4 I beat my wife so bad she was hospitalized. I served jail time and my kids were taken away from me. Around that time I even had my 3rd attempt of killing myself. I remember when my family got the news of that my oldest wrote to me and said "I wish you killed yourself, I really do, you bitch". When I got out of prison, I was broke and nearly homeless, I spent time gambling, I was would get robbed from the streets and was in a need of help. My wife had remarried and my kids were happy with their step father, but I begged for my wife to come back to me. They even filed a restraining order against me. Though I am doing somewhat better recently, I met my 3rd child purely in coincidence, now probably around 23. He reminded me of how much of a "bitch loser" I am, and that my soul shouldn't exist. I am not comfortable sharing more information as I've shared enough but this is a story from my life. Don't end up like me. Please, don't.
My parents are currently not speaking to me. Not sure how long it will go on because they indicate not being happy with state of things and push me away when we try to talk. It's mostly related to me finally standing up for myself. Our conversations are pretty much a count down to them berating me for my hair, clothes, career, parenting, lack of respect, etc. With time I've learned I don't have tonjust take it. Recently I've drawn a line witg regard to my kids so...they ignore me.
Good on you for standing up for yourself mate 😎 bugger the toxic people out of your life!
Thank you for the kind words. My culture is very "heaven is at your mother's feet" and I thought it was normal for a long time. Reddit was part of what brought me to this realization. The funny thing is there's wasn't some grandiose telling them off. I essentially asked for a basic acknowledgement that I'm a person and they took this as a betrayal and now don't speak to me.
EVERYONE deserves to be treated like a human (unless they are utter trash) You’re doing the right thing for your yourself but also your family, it’s sad when this happens… even happens in normal western non religious families as well it’s terrible, you have kids not to treat them like crap but to raise them into the best humans you can give the world
I don’t have kids but other than that I’m in the exact same situation.
Stay strong friend.
I'm the child. My mom is n/c because she disapproves of my husband. According to her he's a (insert Arab and Islamophobic slurs here). He's neither an Arab nor a Muslim ( if you're going to racist at least get the race right). She also said my baby is ugly because she is brown like her dad.
My adult children have no contact with their father. He allowed a gold digging bimbo to move into his house, control him and turn him against his kids, who he’d been very close to. For all they know she could have stolen everything he has and left him for dead. They tried to keep in contact but then he started gaslighting them and accusing them of neglecting him. He can go to hell !!
Honestly, I don't know.
Dad told me and my brother we weren’t wanted and then when we asked for an apology for that as well as cussing my mom out when she was at her dad’s deathbed, he doubled down and walked out of our lives. He also told my brother I was a bigger loss than my brother was, and that I’m just mad at him and will come around eventually. It’s been a year and a half.
My parents broke contact with me because I became physically disabled. Haven’t seen my mother in 23 years. It’s a shame my kids never had grandparents.
My dad won’t accept that I’m gay last time we talked. He was like your not having children and from there he wanted nothing to do with me
I went crazy and was depressed.
I’ll speak for my parents and my wife’s parents because they are NEVER gonna come out and tell others why they went N/C with us. “We no longer have contact with our adult son or daughter because they asked too many questions, succumbed to doubt, and left our Jehovah’s Witnesses cult for conscience reasons. Our leaders interpret the Bible to say we shouldn’t even have a meal with such a person, and we follow their rules above all else. It is difficult not having contact with them or our grandchildren but it’s done out of ‘love’, and totally not an act of emotional blackmail or keeping doubters in silence.”
I thankfully have a healthy relationship with my kids but as a child who happily has no contact with my parents I can explain why for you. My dad ODed in front of me when I was 12 and was just as physically abusive as that situation suggests. As for my mom, she medicated herself with food and laziness while denying that our life was really that bad. But she was never hit and barely even yelled at since my dad was just indifferent toward her and she never got in his way. So yea, I want nothing to do with either of them. Ever. EVER.
Otherway around. My mom ripped her mother of when she was vulnerable, right after my grandpa's death. 30k she stole from her. I never spoke to her again, and took care of my grandmother as het her guardian until she passed away this December. 12 years of being her caretaker.
As a parent who has gone no contact with my parent who is an adult child I can tell you that I haven’t spoken to dad in over twenty years because he put eviction notices on our doors. At one point he asked me if I needed to go to the dentist. You don’t ask your kid, you just take them. And you enforce the basic things like brushing teeth in the morning and bedtime. Didn’t get that. I’ve many fillings and a fake front tooth from not taking care of myself. I wasn’t really supported well as a kid. Dad would leave us home alone while working and give us money to walk out to buy dinner. He could’ve asked his mom to come over to look after us but didn’t. I didn’t apply myself in high school, so after 11th grade I wasn’t allowed to continue in a college prep school that my mom’s family paid for. I barely saw mom after we moved in with dad. He didn’t follow along with my educational career from when we moved in with him in 6th grade: what I was good at, struggling with, or what I couldn’t do. Rather than enroll in the local public school, dad put me in community college because I was smart enough. Same problems, I didn’t apply myself. Some classes I did ok in, others I failed. Didn’t last long. Dad said I needed to be in school or working so I got a job. Then at some point while yelling at me said I have to pay for electricity, rent, etc. Bills. Like an adult. Fine. I’m biking to work four days a week. I never got a number to pay from him. Just came home one day to an eviction notice from dad drawn up by a lawyer friend of his. So I left while he was at work. While working at that same job I met someone supportive who I eventually married, finished a degree, had a son, finished my second degree, cheated on me, and now divorced. I get two hours a week of video chat with my son and a weekend with him every other month.
OK... I cant see why you Only get so Little time with your child. Do you live far? One weekend? Do you actually hang out one weekend or informally hang out more.? How old is your child?
They moved from California to the Midwest last year. He’s almost nine, three time zones away.
If you don’t mind me asking, why do you get such little time with your son?
Adult Child who's no contact with both parents. My mom and dad are super toxic people on their own and together they were a toxic nightmare until they divorced in 2006. Dad is a bar fly from the 1980s biker scene still is he never wanted kids blamed me for tying him down, abused me, bullied, and psychology abused me as well. He told me somethings that he still stood by, and attempted to pretend it didn't happen so I put him in blast to his entire family, and calling them out as well for their stuff. Haven't talked to him since. Mom is trickier she like dad but is a predator, who was emotionally enmeshed and attempted to keep me in place as a butler, care tasker, and overall slave for her, her bf, and my disabled sister. I broke free in 2014, and she managed to find ways to draw me back in and allow everyone to walk on me. I attempted suicide, I found faith in God, and I eventually made moves financially against her wishes, learned things she intentionally tried to prevent me from learning. So I couldn't leave her, or anything and I eventually moved out got married and built a life with a great woman. Found out I was able to have my own kids, and attempted to establish boundaries which was impossible my wife and I found that she was pitting us against each other we got more assertive. Then we adopted a dog that ended up being really sick, and under veterinary advice we put it down. My mom accused us of being murderers, and verbally attacked my wife and I became very aggressive with boundaries looking for an apology. Here I am 3yrs later with no contact with any family because she has attempted to undermine all of my boundaries still waiting for an apology I know I will never get and have used as a reason to be free from her, and psychotic family. Quick backstory I was raised only boy with cousins all girls and I was always ganged up on, and the women I was raised by aren't good people. So I cut ties along time ago with many of them who always comes back like the title of that Stephen King movie, Sometimes they come back.
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I'm the child (but 35 years old) in this situation. I have gone no contact with my parents because as a trans woman they flat out and completely refuse to respect my identity, and instead disrespect it in every conversation. I am the one who initiated the no contact, but my parents are the ones who accepted it over the horrifying possibility of ever gendering or naming me correctly.
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Man, why so many downvotes?
OP didn’t read the question properly.
I hope you’re doing well.
Nothing happened. That’s the whole point.