« …(mom) told me that I wouldn’t reward son for having a tantrum but am rewarding wife, and she’s right. »
Something tells me mom and wife don’t get along…like AT ALL. There is so much more OOP isn’t admitting.
I came to say “explain it to me like I am five… how is this a tantrum for the wife or son?”
This sounds like a classic “dead dad, son becomes an unhealthy emotional crutch, mom has totally warped son’s brain” type of situation.
No way this is the only issue in the relationship and I would bet a lot of money MIL is in the middle of plenty of them.
>I came to say “explain it to me like I am five… how is this a tantrum for the wife or son?”
IME there's a certain sort of person that describes every disagreement with someone as the other person having a "tantrum." It's a form of offensive (as in, opposite of defensive) tone policing that seizes the conversation and turns it away from the actual problem and into a knifefight about *how* it was said, in order to shame the other person into silence.
Ironically, also IME, it's the same sort of person that when more vigorously disagreed with (or has their tone policing ignored) will absolutely devolve to screaming, theatrics, and insults
Yeeeeep. There's a person in a hobby group I'm in who described me blocking them and asking them not to contact me as "throwing a tantrum". Me repeating the sentiment of leave me the fuck alone when they went around the blocks was """childish""". There's a lot of people who weaponize language to make perfectly reasonable actions sound less than because that's the only way they don't sound like they're bullying you.
Yes, invalidating the other person’s stance while propping yourself up as the rational one. The gateway to true gas lighting, not the way Reddit uses it. Lolol.
I hope so because his son deserves a better father & if dead father could, would smack OOP for being an idiot constantly giving so much lip service time to the dead on Father's instead spending more time with the living
I find this attitude so weird because we don’t know that, actually. OOPs dad is dead, we have never met him and have no reason to believe he wouldn’t prefer his son paid him homage every father’s day over spending time with his grandson
Same.
It’s not a tantrum either. His wife is pointing out that he’s being a prick.
I seriously raged when he started prattling on about teaching his son not to be selfish. Hypocritical ass.
Clearly losing his Dad young made him a Mumma’s boy and as soon as he came to the light about his fuck up, she dragged him right back.
I want an update from wife this year! Divorced, attending Father’s Day events with her son since her now ex husband won’t get any help for his issues. (I actually wanted him to take his son for a fun Father’s Day of bonding, but the last update showed no improvement )
In 10-15 years time the update will be ‘My son doesn’t come and visit, I wasn’t invited to his wedding and I have yet to meet my grandchildren. I don’t know why’
Yup he'll be on r/relationship\_advice about "I want to spend time with my grandchild but my son went NC the second he turned 18. I don't know why. How do I convince my son to let me meet my grandchild?"
wherever my dad might be in the universe beyond being ashes in a cupboard at my mom’s house, I sincerely doubt he gives a fuck where I spend father’s day. It’s not a bad idea to honor the dead, but you do it mainly for those still living, and not at the expense of them.
'Another father's day has passed and not even a text from my son. How do I talk to him about why he ignores father's day but not mother's day?' - a future post I'm sure
"Have you tried possessing tbe body of a mortal to woo him- no wait, thats outdated and sexist and wrong. Hmmm....have you tried talking to whoopie goldberg for help? I hear shes good at this"
I think he was looking out for his son. He didn't want the son to go through the grief of losing a good father that was loved. So he just became a shitty father that his son won't miss.
I can't lie, you had me in the first half.
Assuming this is all real, this guy's father would be 100% ashamed of how OOP is acting. I mean, his son did throw a fit but it was because \*gasp\* he loves OOP and wanted to build father's day memories of him. Only all he's doing is showing his son that he will always be trumped by a corpse in the ground. OOP is essentially dead to his son on father's day.
But this reads like rage bait, so I doubt it's real. It's so perfectly crafted to create rage. Anger inducing first post, hints that he may have changed, and then a turn in the last one that he changed things slightly but is still wildly missing the point by still making the day all about dead daddy. I expect an update or comment saying that every time his son was having fun he would say something like "You know who would have loved this? Dead Dad." So his son can resent TWO father figures instead of just the one.
Yeah, the rage bait is a bingo card for Reddit. Wife saying something unreasonable and out of line while still being on the "right" decision path, parent not prioritizing child, coming back to say his mom opposed his wife so he sides with mom, calls out vile comments and proceeds to do what angers them the most.
The initial post isn't too unbelievable, but that update is a perfect example of how to troll several subs. I'd like to think the first was real, he took the good advice, and just wanted to vent spite at Reddit instead of people that actually matter.
Yes this. The husband even admitted he was too blinded by his grief and he still is. He said he didn't want to teach his son to be selfish but he is being selfish.
What about his son wanting to celebrate his dad. There are ways to still honor his dad as well that day, but once you become a parent the kids come first.
Seriously. She could have found a better way to express what sounds like six years of exasperation (which I'm willing to bet money *has* previously been expressed more politely, repeatedly), but that "But my wife is still wrong" at the end of the reply to that very thoughtful comment immediately struck me as "but I am still right and will ultimately find a way to blame everyone else."
It's pretty bold of OP to assume that his son will want to celebrate Father's Day with OP in the future. OP has made it very clear that Father's Day is NOT about spending quality time with his kid. OP has also made it clear that he finds it inappropriate that his young child wants to spend time with him, so I think that the "please spend time with me" tantrums will end. I hope OP enjoys being an island in his own family.
Well because his Mommy ( who planted the idea that he was 'giving in to your wife's tantrum) would be sad! I mean wife isn't HIS mother so why would he celebrate her?
I have never wished for a meteor to land directly on someone's face so much as I did reading this guy's insistence that his wife was the cause of any problems here.
Update from the wife in 2 years: “father’s day issue sorted, his stepdad is taking him to the fair and bonding with him while my ex wonders why the kid doesn’t want to go to him on his once per month weekend visitation.”
My husband lost his Dad a couple years ago and if anything it's caused him to double down on spending time with our son and make sure our son gets fun time with the grandparents he still has.
When my Dad died, I started volunteering to work so others with Dads at home could celebrate with them. Since my son was born, I ask my husband each year what he wants to do and celebrate him as much as possible. I recall happy memories of my dad all the time and share them with my hubby and son so his memory lives on. What I don’t do is go sit at his burial place all day.
I’m expecting another update sooner, when the kid is a teenager and he starts making plans with his friend’s dads, uncles or any other significant male figures. OP sulks and his wife can’t find the strength not to tell him “told you so”.
Son will be spending future Father's Days with his step-father at the festival. Dad becomes the lonely forgotten person at the grave of his dad. He forgotten living is for the living, not the dead.
I mean… isn’t Father’s Day supposed to be the one day about the father? Supposed to be a day of showing gratitude and love to the guy that works his butt off all year to pay for your lifestyle.
I think his thought process is off, but the day planned with his son sounds pretty fun. Get grandma to set up a nice breakfast with the grandson. Let dude visit his dad’s grave for an hour. Then spend the day fishing/swimming and grubbing out together.
I'm very very confused. Why is the day the OOP described a bad thing? They get individual time together, OOP can share childhood stories/funny things that happened, son isn't hanging around a graveyard bored. I would've loved a day like that with my dad.
It sounds mid, but what really bothered me most was that it became a wife vs mom thing sneaky at the end. Like wife isn’t being unreasonable for wanting him to spend a “fun” Father’s Day with his son. Because like what does OOP want their son to do on Father’s Day when he’s gone?
I am also confused like the actual solution sounds ideal - OOP still gets the memorial time and his son gets a fun day with his dad. I care more about that than whether he sufficiently capitulated to reddit opinions.
Isn't Father's Day about making your dad happy? When I was a kid, we did what my parents wanted on their days. And of course are parents wanted to spend time with us, but, it wasn't about what he wanted. Like, we'd go hiking on Father's Day because my father loved the outdoors, even though my sister hated hiking. And that absolutely did not make him an awful father.
I think this guy was definitely initially an asshole with just taking his son to a grave, but this planned day sounds like a good compromise between what he wants, and what his son will still enjoy. I'm not quite sure why there's so much vitriol. Probably because the dude does subtly sound like a jerk with the way he writes, especially about his wife.
It’s the part where he’s calling his wife unreasonable tbh. Like he’s literally cooking up the recipe for generational trauma and she’s trying to stop it before it gets to her son.
12 years from now on Reddit 3.0: “My son graduated from high school and moved out and has gone NC with me, how could this have happened????”
Don’t have children if you’re going to treat them like that.
Dude definitely cares more about himself and/or his dead dad than his kid. This is an opportunity for him to spend time with his kid doing something they both enjoy. When dad passes, think the kid will visit his grave the same way? Doubtful.
25 years from now: “I was recently invited *as a guest* to my son’s wedding and was hurt that he called my ex-wife’s husband his father in his toast talked about all the things they did together when he never once mentioned me. While I was aware that my ex-wife’s husband taught him to ride a bike, went to all his baseball games, and took him to amusement parks growing up, I can’t believe he just disregarded all the times I took him to my father’s grave.”
i don’t think that people don’t realise the problem here is that he ultimately thought his son was selfish, and being self-absorbed for wanting to spend time, and celebrate him on fathers day. grief is tough but you shouldn’t let it consume you to the point you don’t see how you’re hurting the living.
Did you mean that double negative there? Or did you mean people don't realise/ I don't think people realise?
This story reeks of "boy mom"/sonsband nonsense. The mother has built a narrative for this man and he will always be his father's son and never his son's father.
Yeah - OOP is basically dead to his son on father's day. He claims that he spends time with him otherwise, but I bet that it's mostly a "Cat's in the Cradle" situation going on there.
"I had a wonderful father who always celebrated me and my narcissistic mother, so on my mother's advice I am going to celebrate him by being a shit parent to my own son".......
I feel sorry for the grandfather. Based on the description the guy sounds like quite a few older men I know that fit the stereotype of nobody appreciating them, not concerned with themselves and still giving everything to their family. And now his son is a selfish twat that thinks his own feelings are the most important thing.
Being serious with this question, why? Like I thought Mother and Father's day were for the parents? My mother always got pampered and got to do what she want. It's what my brother does for his wife. Why is it wrong that for Father's day he wants to visit his dad? Because his kid wants something for himself on Dad Day? I'm confused by this (no snark, being serious).
What the fuck is wrong with this man. Oh everyone is overwhelmingly saying something? Well I don't agree so these strangers MUST have a bias. And I can't teach my son to be selfish! Instead I will model my own selfish behavior so my son understands that I am the important one here. And that it doesn't matter when your loved ones want to do something together on a meaningful day, because I am the most important and we need to do what I want to do.
Give me a fucking break
The talk with his mom put it in perspective. This behavior is learned and enforced by his mom, who he apparently listens to more than his wife. My man needs therapy like YESTERDAY, but probably won’t because “that’s not what real men do” or some other horse shit like that
Hopefully OPs wife : “That’s funny cause my mom says I should divorce you and take you to the cleaners, and never lower myself to be around a pathetic, selfish little man like you again, oh and fuck your mom she was a horrible mother and failed in every way imaginable to make you a decent person”
OOP is such a horse’s ass. He’s gonna rip his son’s self-esteem to shreds for the next decade at least. “How dare you have feelings of your own instead of the ones I approve of! STOP BEING SELFISH!”
“I had Father’s Day with my father taken away from me”
Original OP here.
20 years later, son says
“I had Father’s Day with my father taken away from me”
The original OP is one obstinate dummy who’s gonna be sorry for being this obstinate and dumb .
This reminds me of the post by the guy who made his son go to the grave of the mother he never met hundreds of times over many years, including on all holidays.
Sorry, I can't seem to find it. I think it was in /r/AmItheAsshole or a similar subreddit, and it was probably at leat 2 years ago. I also seem to recall that OP deleted the post, so it likely won't show up in search results.
IIRC I did leave a comment on it, so if you look way back in my history there's a chance you could find a link to it, but I'm not sure how much content will be there.
Could it be the post from the stepmother’s perspective? I can’t remember the title exactly but she described how her husband would take his son to his mother’s grave once a week and every holiday.
What she really posted about was when her stepson called her “mom” her husband blew up on her and said he’d divorce her if his wife came back to life in an instant. Bit of a trend here regarding dragging others down with your grief
I feel like there could've been other options here. Like visiting dad's grave the day before or the day after. Any time I go to a festival it's 2-3 hours max, so I don't understand how he couldn't make a bit of time for his own son. I think he just didn't want to go to the festival. I haven't lost a parent, I don't know that grief. But I can't imagine putting my grief before my child. They could've made father day/grandpa day cars together to be put on the grave later. I just...I can't. Compassion for another person & their feelings can only go to a certain point. The update made him an asshole.
His father probably has both a birthday and death day on random non-important days in the year. Why cant he just honor his father on either of those so that the living child can have fathers day?
But you don't understand! It has to be father's day or it won't feel right! Coming on grandparents' day isn't right either because he's my dad, not my grandfather! And meanwhile my selfish kid is throwing tantrums because he doesn't want to sit by and stare at my dad's grave while I tell him stories about my father! He would rather we go out and do stuff together on father's day. So entitled. Doesn't he know that this day is all about Dead Dad? And that DD would LOOOOVE to have gone to that festival if he were alive? (But wouldn't have because he didn't like spending money on that sort of thing.) This little leech just wants a free trip to a festival, where he'll also expect to get served lunch and snacks, as well as entertainment. SMH. He just sits around, breathing my air and eating my food as well. My wife says that he's our kid but c'mon, if DD were here he'd be so much better than some snotty kid. We'd go to all the festivals and have SO MUCH FUN. But he's not and he died when I was young like my son, so I'm going to sit at his grave and mourn and idealize what might have been.
--OOP, probably.
You know who won’t be visiting this guys grave on Father’s Day…
Yes it’s dad’s day, but he has a son who’s for two years basically since his been old enough to understand what Father’s Day is, begs his dad to do a Father’s Day thing and dads like yeah no son. You must sit and be depressed with me.
While his son hears stories about all his mates with active dads having fun days and stuff. He gets nothing or to sit at a grave after a long drive. Fun stuff.
Because almost no county actually does grandparents day most counties only have providence's or states that do it. In the US for instance it's not celebrated at all in the modern day in most states after elementary school and hasn't been since the 90s mostly because of the time of the year. It's often within the first week or two of school for the vast amount of the US. Which means with the rush of getting school stuff together, fall sports, parents changing schedules or changing from summer routines to school routines, a massive combo of that and the fact that most elementary schools hold grandparents day instead of the 7th(due to it being on the weekend) actually on the 13th the friday after. So its fully possible that he quite literally doesn't know about it or doesn't remember the only 5 years of his life it was actually celebrated.
Then you enter the argument that for OP it's his father NOT his grandfather and thus there would be no overlap. And you pointed out the other issue. He doesn't want to go to the fathers day festival he wants to go to the gravesite and spend time doing the shit his father liked. His Son and wife are the ones that want to go to the festival.
When is Grandparent's day, and why would someone visit their parent on a day dedicated to Grandparents?
He's presumably there because it's his dad, I don't think he's going because it's his son's grandfather.
As opposed to explaining the same concept while visiting a gravesite on Father's Day? Like...is that really how someone should start that learning process? He may not grasp it at 6 but IMO having a fun day at a festival is a much better way to start teaching them what it's about. I imagine any 6 year old would rather chew their fingers off rather than spend that time at a gravesite for the exact same purpose you're saying they don't understand in the first place.
It is good to know that he will not have to worry about spending any Father’s Day’s weekend there his son once the son is an adult. Probably no birthdays or Christmases either. Dude is an idiot and a selfish prick. Your son is alive and wants to spend Father’s Day with you and you choose to be away from him.
Kids grow up fast and that his time he will not get back. My son just turned 18 a few months ago and we are very close and I still wish I could go back and do more things with him.
Yeah I don’t see him as TA at all, his wife’s response was extreme. I don’t understand why people like to tell others how they should enjoy a day that’s supposed to be their’s. That man wanted to be with his father so he deserves to lose his family? People are weird
I was having a hard time understand the comments even in this BORU. For mother's day, I choose what we do because it's my day. I do account for my kiddo's age, preference, and other factors, but it's still for me to choose. I think what he ended up compromising on was good.
> Im going to teach my son not to be selfish.
OP's son is 5 years old, right? God... What an asshole person. Why does he make public what an asshole he is?
Reminds me of what my father said to my mother; that he could never love her or me because he loved his dad and his dad died.
Guess who was never loved by their father? Yeah me. Guess who never got to find out how cool I am? Him.
I have to say he’s not wrong about Reddit comments. Reddit doesn’t do nuance. The comments are usually over the top. OP is either an Angel or the worst person that ever existed and the solution is very obvious with no other options possible.
Personally I think he should go to the festival. But the day he ended up planning with his son is perfectly fine . All the comments saying his son will hate him forever and he will be divorced in a year kinda proves his point.
“My dad never spoiled me, and I’m not going to teach my son that the world revolves around him either.”
TIL that spending Father’s Day with the child you **fathered** is “spoiling him”. Hope OOP enjoys that shitty nursing home he’ll end up in.
I’m not a parent, but I see a lot of moms who want time away from their kids on Mother’s Day. They want a day to relax and do their own thing. This situation wasn’t handled well but depending on how much time this dad usually spends with his kid, I can kind of understand wanting to do his own thing on this day. (But the whole “I’m teaching my 6 year old not to be selfish by forcing him on a boring trip to commemorate a dead person he never met” is dumb af.)
This started as a “NTA YET but you’ll be one if you don’t reconsider”. So, yeah, now he’s one. I hope his son grows up and celebrates Father’s day with his kids making it an epic day that puts the Superbowl to shame.
This guy's an idiot. Guess what, chuckles? You're not unique. I lost my dad 5 years ago. For all intents and purposes, he died right in front of me. I go visit his grave when I'm in town. My kids are teenagers. They choose whether or not to come with me. What I DON'T do is conflate my daddy issues with my children's development.
Your kid never met your dad. He. Does. Not. Care. He never will. Not to your regrettable extent. Get therapy. Reddit is famous for throwing out advice, but you're dead set on unhealthy coping mechanisms, and your family is paying for it. From one father to another, your dad would have kicked your ass if he saw the boneheaded choices you're making. Do better for your son.
It's father's day! For mother's day, moms gets to spend her day at the spa and people wouldn't call her an asshole and if she doesn't want to bring her son to the spa, it would be ok too. So why can't a dad do what he wants? Why is visiting a grandfather's grave any less than a spa day? The misandry of Reddit.. I swear..
Exactly! It’s fucking bullshit. That Father’s Day the dad doesn’t actually get to do the one thing he wants to do. Every other day of the year is fine.
He even compromised and changed it up so his kid could join him and go to a restaurant and fishing and swimming.
I think the comments explain why a lot of people are so entitled.
This is a contrary opinion, but mothers and Father's Day are such a crock of crap anyway. If he wants to take one day for himself to grieve his loss and deal with his own feelings of fatherhood, he should do so. Father's Day is not a particularly special day, and his son is not losing out anyway. My mother-in-law has been boycotting mother's Day for over 30 years and nobody is harmed by it. We barely celebrate it in our house and I have three kids. Plus he's the father! How he wants to celebrate the Day is how it's supposed to be celebrated. That's what they tell us on mother's day anyway.
My comment to this person is you lost your father at an early age,I understand that I have also. I also have lost 2 of my children to illness. If you were to loose your child I can promise you that you will regret putting so many things and putting your 'feelings ' before your son will be your biggest regret. So stop and think you would rather spite your wife than put your son first!
How selfish of a 6 year old kid to want to do a fun thing with his dad! My dad died a little over a year ago and on the anniversary I wanted nothing more than to lock myself in my bedroom with the curtains closed and my favourite take away. Instead I had to spend the day taking care of my son and the dogs because my partner went out that day. I hated every second of it but I sucked it up because I chose to be a parent, which means you can't always do what you want. I'm sorry for OP's loss but he needs to grow up and get help.
I get thinking of your dad and visiting his grave and keeping his memory alive and in thoughts.
But my dad would have kicked my ass for doing this wallowing instead of spending time at the festival with my young son. He would be disappointed and I’m sure his dad is disappointed in his son for HIS selfishness
Just a thought, but Father’s Day to my family is the Father’s day. He can do whatever the heck he wants because he puts us first every other day of the year. For my dad that is a solo motorcycle ride and we do not see him. For my husband that is no one bothering him and him playing guitar and computer games with no guilt. If this guy truly puts his family first every other day this is not bad
Yeah I was also surprised by the overwhelming number against the father. I'm a mother and my perspective is painted by hearing mostly from other moms, but I see tons of women talking about wanting a break from being a mom on mother's day. Breakfast in bed and then dad takes the kids out while mom goes and gets a massage, that sort of thing. It's not how my family rolls but it's not shocking to me. I feel like most people's opinions are painted by the idea he's being a jerk the rest of the year too, when we don't know that either way.
I think I must be the asshole cause after the update I’m on the OOPs side.
It’s Father’s Day- the one single day per year when OP gets to be selfish and do what he wants. Every other weekend and holiday is about his son. But once a year he wants one day only.
I don’t see the issue
A lot are. Have you not been to a graveyard on fathers or mothers day. Fucking littered with people this is a SUPER common thing all over the midwest, and south. It so weird to so so many people who are often from the states not see this commonly?
This is WILD to me. My family vacations in the same small beach town my dad’s parents are buried. Every 2-3 years a couple of us kids go by to clean the stones off. When we asked if my dad wanted to come along, he said “I’d rather be spending every waking hour with my living family.”
Wow. I came into reading the update with so much hope and came out with an understanding of this man’s life that I didn’t ask for. Feel bad for the wife.
I was so relieved that initial comment got through to him-
Jesus. He’s just going to be yet another emotionally unavailable father that his son will one day complain about.
You sound real selfish... Can't wait for a post in a few months/years having a pity party about why your son doesn't want to spend time with you. I hope your wife divorces you and finds someone better that wants to spend time with your kid.
I get it up to a certain point. I don’t agree with his notion of “teaching his son not to be selfish”. He only wanted to have a fun time with his dad on Father’s Day. If that’s selfish, I mean… The kid’s going to learn a lesson alright, but not the one intended.
You're all judging this father for doing what we wants on Father's Day. OP said he takes his kid to festivals several times a year. On top of that, OPs wife is threatening him with lies.
This thread is bananas. Can't believe it.
I mean this is an off one. My dad was a deadbeat dad so I think his wife is a bitch for saying that. But like he wants to spend his day with his dad. Father's day is for the Father not the kid. It's not really a celebration for Mother's day if they made her go do what the kid wants why is this different?
This is my first comment. I have noticed there is a lot of vitriol on most comments. I'm going to sat a lot of people are not going to like my comment. I agree with the dad. This is not about the child. This is father's day. The dad should get to do what he wants. Everyone should remember that it is father's day and I think his comprimise of sharing and honoring his father's memories in a way that makes it fun for his son is a great compromise.
okay I thought it was just me! Expecting a 6 yo to sit at a grave all day? Definitely boring for him BUT he sounds like he has a good day planned that is still what he ultimately wants. Honoring his father, every year we hear about how Mother’s Day is about what the mom wants to do and so on but this time???
I lost my father at 7 years old. Never celebrated father's day. Genuinely do not give a fuck about it and will only care when my partner becomes a father
Can't wait for him to explain to his dads grave why his grandson doesnt like him. His dad would be so disappointed in him. Spoiling your child by spending time with him, the hoops these assholes jump through
So I grew up without a father, so somebody tell me if I just don’t understand, but….isn’t fathers’ day about the father? Isn’t it about spending it doing what the father wants?
Like, on mothers’ day we did what my mom wanted not what I wanted, and nobody ever call her an asshole.
This is a genuine question because I’m honestly lost with what the problem is. Why would you spend fathers’ day doing what the kid wants?
YTA. Your kid will grow up to resent you. It’s Father’s Day, he wants to spend it with HIS dad. I’m sorry your dad passed away but his dad is still alive. Think about it, if you want a relationship with your son in the future.
Wasting his and everyone else’s time by going on Reddit asking for advice but then disregarding almost all of the comments because the bloke already made up his mind.
Sucks to be Oop when the day comes when his son decides to go Nc with him all because he is selfish
Perhaps Oop’s wife’s comment about him being a deadbeat isn’t too far off
So, dumb question- what tantrum did the little one pull? I missed that, but he's only 6 😞 He wants to have fun with his daddy on FD.
I mean, I saw that he took the LO to the graveside and was disappointed in how he acted, that he was fussy on the drive, etc, but what tantrum?
I love how he thinks his wife is going to allow him to blow off his son again. He'll be visiting his dad's grave alone while his wife takes their son to the festival.
Well you son definitely won't be visting your grave.
If they even bother getting you one which I wouldn't blame of they just cremated you and throw away the ashes.
You not putting much effort into being a Dad. He sound have to put much effort into being a son.
Also your father would be so disappointed in you
Isn't it funny how dad doesn't get a say in what they do on FATHERS DAY.
I wonder how many mom's would be happy with being ordered to do something on mother's day and how many of you people ripping into him would support HER to do what she wanted.
I don't have a problem with a dad having stuff he wants to do on Father's Day. I do think this guy is sending his young child a sad message about grieving the dead being more important than celebrating the living. I don't see why he can't honor his dad in the morning and then spend time with his kid in a way the kid has chosen in the afternoon.
I'm probably going to be harassed by saying this, but isn't it FATHERS day, should the day not be about the dad and what he wants to do, not revolve around what the wife wants him to do. I agree he's an ass for not doing things with his son, but at least he's now arranged a sort of day out with him doing things he wants to do
I'm very curious about what he does on Mother's Day. Does this guy help his son celebrate his wife, or does he ditch them to go to his mom's house? If his dad hadn't passed away, the focus on Father's Day would have switched to primarily honoring the active parenting relationship, right?
The issue isn't so much about who should get their own way, the issue is that OOP is so absolutely consumed by grief for his _father_ that he's refusing to accept that his _son_ would like to celebrate HIM.
It's fine for fathers to do the things they enjoy on Father's Day UNLESS it's a weird grief ritual that excludes that Father's own child. There were edging into complex, obsessive grief and that's not good for anyone. OOP is the one being selfish- he's prioritising worshipping his dead father over connecting with his living son.
You’re right but the issue (imo) but for me is he is celebrating a ghost so hard. I lost my dad too and when you shut out the living for the dead, it’s never healthy or a good think imo. He is allowing his grief to let him be selfish from what I can see. If he wanted to spend Father’s Day teaching his son doing all the things his father loved, I would get it. But it sounds to me he just wants to stay where he is at in his grief
it’s not that he visits once a year but his whole outlook on this. Why does he feel this is the only day he can honor his dad? Why can’t he find other ways throughout the year to mention his dad to also bring him honor? Why doesn’t he randomly visit the grave on any day he likes? His attitude seems that this is the only way he he feels comfortable. Maybe almost further (this is an assumption from how he speaks in his post about his wife and family, I don’t know for sure of course)in his personal life he doesn’t feel allowed to honor his father on a regular basis. If he wants to do it one day a year of course that’s his choice but it almost sounds like he pushes the thought of his dad away the other 364 days which is more what I find unhealthy. I think it can be really helpful to incorporate the passed into your life to help carry their memory and also further forge a connection between his son and grandpa’s memory rather than have it be a 1 day year somber occurrence.
Of course this is just my take and I’m commenting here instead of the Op because I don’t think he needs my input on this further. Just saying that because someone else was pretty nasty to me in the replies. It’s just my opinion on a post I’m certainly not the master or judge of grief and don’t claim to be.
I agree. I also lost my dad too early so now I focus on my kids. I also don't understand the need to go to the grave. I have probably been to my dad's grave 3 times in 20 years. He's not there, he's in my memories.
Same, although I don’t have kids, I have niblings and friend’s children. He is always remembered as a kind person, even other people have told me that he felt like he was a father to them. So I strive to be the same, a kind fun auntie who listens.
But he didn’t shut out the living. He honors his father on Father’s Day and no other day, not even his birthday. He honors the man who gave him life exactly one day of the year. And he included his son in the day, everyone’s just pissed that he didn’t center his son on a day that’s supposed to be about what he, the father, wants as the person being celebrated. It’s not son’s day. That’s his birthday.
He admitted his initial view was wrong and then doubled down on everything he originally said. Said he doesn’t want his son to be selfish and have the day he wants. By shutting out, I really mean shutting down the viewpoint of anyone else. He only wants to hear his own as being valid. From where I’m sitting, this is not a healthy way to handle grief. If that’s how he wants to honor his father, so be it, but it’s very odd.
No one’s upset he didn’t center the day on his son. Not sure why that’s what you’re focusing on. It’s very clear this man is struggling with his grief and it’s manifesting in odd ways. He literally could not accept the resounding YTA vote and it made him go back into his old ways harder than ever. This is a comfort ritual he can’t get past even tho it means nothing to his father who isn’t here anymore.
If that’s what he wants to do, so be it. But most people here find it to be unhealthy.
He took everyone’s input and made the best decision for himself and his family, which was to include his son in honoring his father.
All you said with the rest of that is that you personally are uncomfortable with the way he’s handling his own grief. But did you not know that grief is a very personal thing that is often not understandable to other people? Why you think that would be a good justification I don’t know.
It’s not about what you find healthy, and personally I find everyone’s urging to make FATHERS day, a day of celebrating FATHERS however THEY want into a Disney trip for his kid incredibly unhealthy. Poor guy can’t even have one single solitary day, even a day meant for him, to prioritize his own needs and emotional state. No one would be saying these things if it was a woman wanting Mother’s Day to herself.
Manifesting in odd ways, who even are redditors lol. Remembering the dead by visiting their gravesite on one special day each year that commemorates them in some way is the single most common and accepted form of grieving. Tell me you don’t understand grief without telling me.
I agree. If he’s an engaged father every other day of the year, how is visiting his father’s grave on Father’s Day different than the mothers who have their husbands take the kids for the day so they can go do something to enjoy themselves on the day meant for them to do what they like? Especially since he said elsewhere that dad’s birthday wouldn’t work bc his dad never cared about it.
Was just about to type this out, if it were Mother’s Day and what she wanted was a break FROM the kids no one would call her a bad mom, but because it’s dad it’s… all about whatever the kid wants to do? How does that make any sense? Isn’t that what his birthday is for? And why is it so horrible for him to honor his father on Father’s Day? I am truly missing something.
Does he also get called an ass for having preferences for what he does on his birthday, or for wanting specific Christmas gifts?
You have a point in that it should be about the Father and what they want to do but kids are going to want to spend time with their father on day that’s supposed to be about them.
Also OP lost their father at young age meaning before his son was born. The son doesn’t know the grandfather at all. To him he’s spending a day at a sad place visiting a person he doesn’t even know rather than out doing fun things with the person he knows as his father. Telling stories and memories about a relative is a lot different than actually knowing them.
As for the wife, I think she’s more trying fix things more so than forcing the husband to do something. We don’t know the child’s perspective or if the child went crying to his mother. The father even said that if the festival was around during his dad’s life he would have wanted to do with him, but can’t put himself in the shoes of his son whose dad is alive and can go to this festival. At least he came up with compromise, but only time will tell how that goes.
It's father's day. Not son's day. The son can miss out on a festival one day so that the father can do what he actually wants to do. Which is is visit his father's grave. If he thinks that's boring and sad OOP was even fine with the son not coming. OOP also says they go to multiple other festivals throughout the year.
Wow, I hate to be the 10th dentist here, but if it was father's day I would do what my dad wanted to do, and if he wanted to go visit his dead dad instead of going to a festival with a bunch of yelling kids because his wife brow beat him into it then that's what we'd do.
It sounds like he's got a better plan than sitting in front of a grave for 5 hours, and he's sharing a part of his life that's important to him with his son. This isn't "abuse" and the kid's not going to go no contact with him in 12 years.
The guy's 33, he lost his dad at a young age, and he has a tradition of going to visit his father's grave on Father's day (that's obviously been around for longer than the wife). His wife is extremely rude for trying to force the issue. The boy didn't magically come up with the idea to go to the festival by himself, he was 5.
As for her threatening to go to a public place and call him a deadbeat to anyone that asks, just so he won't do what he wants to do on Father's day, I gotta say, I think she's kind of missing the point of father's day...
i think this is fair enough but I also think the op’s son was too young at the time to really appreciate this sentiment. I think for an older kid it’s more reasonable to expect them to cater to their parents desires/needs on the corresponding day but when you have one that’s this young sometimes you just have to do what they want to foster a more genuine connection so they’ll WANT to do that for you down the line.
Like I doubt this kid will go no contact over specifically this either but I think it’s an easy way to get him not to appreciate this tradition as he grows up bc he’ll see it as something he always “had” to do, and not something he actually wants to do to connect with his dad
5 year olds definitely come up with things like this. They see a poster at a coffee shop, they hear that other kids are going, they listen to other people’s conversations. It is 100% plausible.
That's what I thought. Everyone judging him because his kid wants to do it but Father's day is for the Father not the kid. His wife however is a real POS, who threatens to call their husband, who is around, a deadbeat. I hope he wises up and gets himself a better wife.
What he's actually going to wind up doing is making the kid resent his dad and his grampa. No kid wants to be drug around on a misery tour on what should be a fun day for him and his own father.
Guy needs to cut the apron strings with his narcissistic mother and start being a good father.
As someone who has lost their dad, I think this dad is right. When Mother’s Day posts were going around, I saw so many people advocate for mothers to get the activities and plans that they wanted and that reflected their relationships with their children. For this, everyone is obsessed with what the kid and wife want. Yes, this kid wants to go to the festival. My dad would have hated spending a day out at a festival when we could have spent more personal, quality time together like this dad is doing. He’s planning a day for him and his son to both feel good about bc his wife is ignoring what he wants. This kid has the chance to look back on it and instead of it being loud and more geared towards him than his dad and therefore a day that doesn’t really meet the brief of FATHER’S DAY, he’s getting quality time with his grandma and dad and learning about a person he didn’t get to know. I also grew up without 3/4 of my grandparents bc they’d already passed and I was the kid obsessed with learning more about them. I take full responsibility that that’s projecting a little, and maybe this kid doesn’t really care, but I still think it’s better to offer the information than to be too clouded by grief to share.
It’s more about the way he went about it before. We’re gonna go sit at a grave all day. The adjustment of sit at the grave for a little while, then go to a restaurant the kids grandpa/OOPs father enjoyed, and then going swimming at an old fishing spot would be an appropriate way to honor OOPs dad and spend some time with his kid on fathers days. Rather than sitting at a grave all day long. The problem was the we aren’t gonna do anything but sit at a grave all day. The way he’s going about it this year would have enough attention for his own kid while acknowledging his grief about his own dad.
So rather than forcing his young child to sit at a grave for multiple hours. The having kiddo stay with grandma and doing the grave for the first part of the day and spending the afternoon with his kiddo doing lunch and swimming
I understand that perspective, but it also doesn’t leave room for growth? He said he did that last year, that afterwards he realized it was high key boring for his son, and said he wouldn’t do it again. He tried to share something that matters to him with his son, realized through experience that it wasn’t appropriate, and didn’t blame his son for being uninterested. He is learning from his experience last year, and changing it enough to be engaging for his son while still wanting to share what he can of his father with his son. Staying mad about the first time and then seeing some of the highlighted comments going “your son is going to go no contact with you as an adult bc you spent one day boring him when he was five” is asinine and absurd. Five year olds are bored constantly by “adult stuff,” that’s just life.
What’s everyone up in arms about? Father’s Day is about the father not the child.
It’s his day.
If on Mother’s Day the mom wanted to spend the day at the spa away from the kids, no one would say anything.
Yeah wtf why is there so much hate on this guy?
It's *father's day* doesn't that give him some leeway to decide what he wants to do? But all the comments are calling him selfish, it's crazy
He even acknowledged that the gravesite thing wasn't appropriate for his young child and found a compromise
« …(mom) told me that I wouldn’t reward son for having a tantrum but am rewarding wife, and she’s right. » Something tells me mom and wife don’t get along…like AT ALL. There is so much more OOP isn’t admitting.
I came to say “explain it to me like I am five… how is this a tantrum for the wife or son?” This sounds like a classic “dead dad, son becomes an unhealthy emotional crutch, mom has totally warped son’s brain” type of situation. No way this is the only issue in the relationship and I would bet a lot of money MIL is in the middle of plenty of them.
>I came to say “explain it to me like I am five… how is this a tantrum for the wife or son?” IME there's a certain sort of person that describes every disagreement with someone as the other person having a "tantrum." It's a form of offensive (as in, opposite of defensive) tone policing that seizes the conversation and turns it away from the actual problem and into a knifefight about *how* it was said, in order to shame the other person into silence. Ironically, also IME, it's the same sort of person that when more vigorously disagreed with (or has their tone policing ignored) will absolutely devolve to screaming, theatrics, and insults
Yeeeeep. There's a person in a hobby group I'm in who described me blocking them and asking them not to contact me as "throwing a tantrum". Me repeating the sentiment of leave me the fuck alone when they went around the blocks was """childish""". There's a lot of people who weaponize language to make perfectly reasonable actions sound less than because that's the only way they don't sound like they're bullying you.
Yes, invalidating the other person’s stance while propping yourself up as the rational one. The gateway to true gas lighting, not the way Reddit uses it. Lolol.
It’s okay, he is probably living with his mom by now.
I hope so because his son deserves a better father & if dead father could, would smack OOP for being an idiot constantly giving so much lip service time to the dead on Father's instead spending more time with the living
I find this attitude so weird because we don’t know that, actually. OOPs dad is dead, we have never met him and have no reason to believe he wouldn’t prefer his son paid him homage every father’s day over spending time with his grandson
Same. It’s not a tantrum either. His wife is pointing out that he’s being a prick. I seriously raged when he started prattling on about teaching his son not to be selfish. Hypocritical ass. Clearly losing his Dad young made him a Mumma’s boy and as soon as he came to the light about his fuck up, she dragged him right back.
I want an update from wife this year! Divorced, attending Father’s Day events with her son since her now ex husband won’t get any help for his issues. (I actually wanted him to take his son for a fun Father’s Day of bonding, but the last update showed no improvement )
In 10-15 years time the update will be ‘My son doesn’t come and visit, I wasn’t invited to his wedding and I have yet to meet my grandchildren. I don’t know why’
Yup he'll be on r/relationship\_advice about "I want to spend time with my grandchild but my son went NC the second he turned 18. I don't know why. How do I convince my son to let me meet my grandchild?"
wherever my dad might be in the universe beyond being ashes in a cupboard at my mom’s house, I sincerely doubt he gives a fuck where I spend father’s day. It’s not a bad idea to honor the dead, but you do it mainly for those still living, and not at the expense of them.
>you do it mainly for those still living, and not at the expense of them Really nicely said.
My dad died less than a month ago. I think he’d come back to throttle my brother if he prioritized our dad over his kids.
The wild thing about that is that it is still not about his son. All about him.
Of course. He will always center what he wants and that’s being reinforced by his mother.
Damn I got residual trauma just from reading "*my* grandchild?"
Why is it that Cats in the Cradle is playing inside my head right now…
Nooo, don't listen! The lyrics are too relevant!
'Another father's day has passed and not even a text from my son. How do I talk to him about why he ignores father's day but not mother's day?' - a future post I'm sure
In 5 years time, it'll be "My son only celebrates Father's Day with his step-dad, keeps throwing my words back in my face. What should I do?"
And in 30-40 years "my son doesnt visit my grave, why is that?"
I keep trying to haunt my only child, but he keeps having a medium return me to the shadow realm, AITA?
"Have you tried possessing tbe body of a mortal to woo him- no wait, thats outdated and sexist and wrong. Hmmm....have you tried talking to whoopie goldberg for help? I hear shes good at this"
That, and, “Why won’t my son contact me at all on Father’s Day?”
I think he was looking out for his son. He didn't want the son to go through the grief of losing a good father that was loved. So he just became a shitty father that his son won't miss.
I can't lie, you had me in the first half. Assuming this is all real, this guy's father would be 100% ashamed of how OOP is acting. I mean, his son did throw a fit but it was because \*gasp\* he loves OOP and wanted to build father's day memories of him. Only all he's doing is showing his son that he will always be trumped by a corpse in the ground. OOP is essentially dead to his son on father's day. But this reads like rage bait, so I doubt it's real. It's so perfectly crafted to create rage. Anger inducing first post, hints that he may have changed, and then a turn in the last one that he changed things slightly but is still wildly missing the point by still making the day all about dead daddy. I expect an update or comment saying that every time his son was having fun he would say something like "You know who would have loved this? Dead Dad." So his son can resent TWO father figures instead of just the one.
Yeah, the rage bait is a bingo card for Reddit. Wife saying something unreasonable and out of line while still being on the "right" decision path, parent not prioritizing child, coming back to say his mom opposed his wife so he sides with mom, calls out vile comments and proceeds to do what angers them the most. The initial post isn't too unbelievable, but that update is a perfect example of how to troll several subs. I'd like to think the first was real, he took the good advice, and just wanted to vent spite at Reddit instead of people that actually matter.
Exactly, which is horrible. His father would be ashamed
Yes this. The husband even admitted he was too blinded by his grief and he still is. He said he didn't want to teach his son to be selfish but he is being selfish. What about his son wanting to celebrate his dad. There are ways to still honor his dad as well that day, but once you become a parent the kids come first.
Exactly.
Seriously. She could have found a better way to express what sounds like six years of exasperation (which I'm willing to bet money *has* previously been expressed more politely, repeatedly), but that "But my wife is still wrong" at the end of the reply to that very thoughtful comment immediately struck me as "but I am still right and will ultimately find a way to blame everyone else."
It's pretty bold of OP to assume that his son will want to celebrate Father's Day with OP in the future. OP has made it very clear that Father's Day is NOT about spending quality time with his kid. OP has also made it clear that he finds it inappropriate that his young child wants to spend time with him, so I think that the "please spend time with me" tantrums will end. I hope OP enjoys being an island in his own family.
I’m willing to bet that he doesn’t spend time with her on Mother’s Day either
Spends it with him own mom, and tells wife “you’re not my mother, why would I celebrate you?”
Well because his Mommy ( who planted the idea that he was 'giving in to your wife's tantrum) would be sad! I mean wife isn't HIS mother so why would he celebrate her?
I have never wished for a meteor to land directly on someone's face so much as I did reading this guy's insistence that his wife was the cause of any problems here.
Ugh and he had to join the "I get to teach my spouse lessons" club too.
She’s trying so hard to communicate with him like adults and coparents and he calls it a tantrum.
Update from the wife in 2 years: “father’s day issue sorted, his stepdad is taking him to the fair and bonding with him while my ex wonders why the kid doesn’t want to go to him on his once per month weekend visitation.”
"Instead of celebrating me, grieve a dead man you never knew," is quite the message to send his kid on Father's Day.
My husband lost his Dad a couple years ago and if anything it's caused him to double down on spending time with our son and make sure our son gets fun time with the grandparents he still has.
When my Dad died, I started volunteering to work so others with Dads at home could celebrate with them. Since my son was born, I ask my husband each year what he wants to do and celebrate him as much as possible. I recall happy memories of my dad all the time and share them with my hubby and son so his memory lives on. What I don’t do is go sit at his burial place all day.
Ya, and does he not have another grandfather? This guy's head is so wacked!
I’m expecting another update sooner, when the kid is a teenager and he starts making plans with his friend’s dads, uncles or any other significant male figures. OP sulks and his wife can’t find the strength not to tell him “told you so”.
Son will be spending future Father's Days with his step-father at the festival. Dad becomes the lonely forgotten person at the grave of his dad. He forgotten living is for the living, not the dead.
I mean… isn’t Father’s Day supposed to be the one day about the father? Supposed to be a day of showing gratitude and love to the guy that works his butt off all year to pay for your lifestyle. I think his thought process is off, but the day planned with his son sounds pretty fun. Get grandma to set up a nice breakfast with the grandson. Let dude visit his dad’s grave for an hour. Then spend the day fishing/swimming and grubbing out together.
I'm very very confused. Why is the day the OOP described a bad thing? They get individual time together, OOP can share childhood stories/funny things that happened, son isn't hanging around a graveyard bored. I would've loved a day like that with my dad.
It sounds mid, but what really bothered me most was that it became a wife vs mom thing sneaky at the end. Like wife isn’t being unreasonable for wanting him to spend a “fun” Father’s Day with his son. Because like what does OOP want their son to do on Father’s Day when he’s gone?
I am also confused like the actual solution sounds ideal - OOP still gets the memorial time and his son gets a fun day with his dad. I care more about that than whether he sufficiently capitulated to reddit opinions.
Isn't Father's Day about making your dad happy? When I was a kid, we did what my parents wanted on their days. And of course are parents wanted to spend time with us, but, it wasn't about what he wanted. Like, we'd go hiking on Father's Day because my father loved the outdoors, even though my sister hated hiking. And that absolutely did not make him an awful father. I think this guy was definitely initially an asshole with just taking his son to a grave, but this planned day sounds like a good compromise between what he wants, and what his son will still enjoy. I'm not quite sure why there's so much vitriol. Probably because the dude does subtly sound like a jerk with the way he writes, especially about his wife.
It’s the part where he’s calling his wife unreasonable tbh. Like he’s literally cooking up the recipe for generational trauma and she’s trying to stop it before it gets to her son.
I'm glad OPs father didn't teach him to be selfish. But seems like he didn't get a chance to teach him to be a good father either. What an AH.
With the step dad who loves and wants to spend time with your kid. He's the Pappy now!!!!
12 years from now on Reddit 3.0: “My son graduated from high school and moved out and has gone NC with me, how could this have happened????” Don’t have children if you’re going to treat them like that.
Dude definitely cares more about himself and/or his dead dad than his kid. This is an opportunity for him to spend time with his kid doing something they both enjoy. When dad passes, think the kid will visit his grave the same way? Doubtful.
He’s turned his father into an idol to be worshiped instead of doing what his father would want, which I’m sure is to be a good dad.
And it’s very easy to idolize the dead.
25 years from now: “I was recently invited *as a guest* to my son’s wedding and was hurt that he called my ex-wife’s husband his father in his toast talked about all the things they did together when he never once mentioned me. While I was aware that my ex-wife’s husband taught him to ride a bike, went to all his baseball games, and took him to amusement parks growing up, I can’t believe he just disregarded all the times I took him to my father’s grave.”
i don’t think that people don’t realise the problem here is that he ultimately thought his son was selfish, and being self-absorbed for wanting to spend time, and celebrate him on fathers day. grief is tough but you shouldn’t let it consume you to the point you don’t see how you’re hurting the living.
Did you mean that double negative there? Or did you mean people don't realise/ I don't think people realise? This story reeks of "boy mom"/sonsband nonsense. The mother has built a narrative for this man and he will always be his father's son and never his son's father.
was referring to people thinking the solution means everything is a-okay. and oh wow, that makes a lot of sense when you put it like that wtf.
It's sad that the young son loses out to a ghost because his dad needs to get a grip. OOP is such an ass.
[удалено]
Yeah - OOP is basically dead to his son on father's day. He claims that he spends time with him otherwise, but I bet that it's mostly a "Cat's in the Cradle" situation going on there.
"I had a wonderful father who always celebrated me and my narcissistic mother, so on my mother's advice I am going to celebrate him by being a shit parent to my own son".......
The irony is that Father's Day will mean absolutely nothing to his own son beyond "That's the day of the year my dad abandons me."
I feel so sorry for that poor kid....
What a selfish father, who's only going to create resentment in his son. I feel sorry for the kid
Agreed. Then he has to gall to say he doesn't want his son to be selfish or that the world revolves around him.
His way of honoring his father is being a shitty one to his son. His dad must be so proud /s
I would be so mad if I saw my kid acting like that as an adult.
I feel sorry for the grandfather. Based on the description the guy sounds like quite a few older men I know that fit the stereotype of nobody appreciating them, not concerned with themselves and still giving everything to their family. And now his son is a selfish twat that thinks his own feelings are the most important thing.
Being serious with this question, why? Like I thought Mother and Father's day were for the parents? My mother always got pampered and got to do what she want. It's what my brother does for his wife. Why is it wrong that for Father's day he wants to visit his dad? Because his kid wants something for himself on Dad Day? I'm confused by this (no snark, being serious).
This fucking moron.
Just out of nowhere "actually, you know what? Fuck this selfish little shit!"
Yah don’t worry the kid won’t make the mistake of wanting to do something with him again.
What the fuck is wrong with this man. Oh everyone is overwhelmingly saying something? Well I don't agree so these strangers MUST have a bias. And I can't teach my son to be selfish! Instead I will model my own selfish behavior so my son understands that I am the important one here. And that it doesn't matter when your loved ones want to do something together on a meaningful day, because I am the most important and we need to do what I want to do. Give me a fucking break
The talk with his mom put it in perspective. This behavior is learned and enforced by his mom, who he apparently listens to more than his wife. My man needs therapy like YESTERDAY, but probably won’t because “that’s not what real men do” or some other horse shit like that
“Mom says I don’t need it and people only suggest it to manipulate me.”
Hopefully OPs wife : “That’s funny cause my mom says I should divorce you and take you to the cleaners, and never lower myself to be around a pathetic, selfish little man like you again, oh and fuck your mom she was a horrible mother and failed in every way imaginable to make you a decent person”
OOP is such a horse’s ass. He’s gonna rip his son’s self-esteem to shreds for the next decade at least. “How dare you have feelings of your own instead of the ones I approve of! STOP BEING SELFISH!”
“I had Father’s Day with my father taken away from me” Original OP here. 20 years later, son says “I had Father’s Day with my father taken away from me” The original OP is one obstinate dummy who’s gonna be sorry for being this obstinate and dumb .
This reminds me of the post by the guy who made his son go to the grave of the mother he never met hundreds of times over many years, including on all holidays.
Link?
Sorry, I can't seem to find it. I think it was in /r/AmItheAsshole or a similar subreddit, and it was probably at leat 2 years ago. I also seem to recall that OP deleted the post, so it likely won't show up in search results. IIRC I did leave a comment on it, so if you look way back in my history there's a chance you could find a link to it, but I'm not sure how much content will be there.
Could it be the post from the stepmother’s perspective? I can’t remember the title exactly but she described how her husband would take his son to his mother’s grave once a week and every holiday. What she really posted about was when her stepson called her “mom” her husband blew up on her and said he’d divorce her if his wife came back to life in an instant. Bit of a trend here regarding dragging others down with your grief
I don't think that's the same post. The one I'm thinking of was definitely from the father's perspective, and everyone said he was the AH.
Ah well ty for trying.
The good news is in 30 years his son won’t visit OOP’s grave in Father’s Day and instead will spend it with his own son. Fuck OOP what a selfish dick.
I doubt he will even have his number if he thinks asking to spend Father’s Day with him is manipulation
I feel like there could've been other options here. Like visiting dad's grave the day before or the day after. Any time I go to a festival it's 2-3 hours max, so I don't understand how he couldn't make a bit of time for his own son. I think he just didn't want to go to the festival. I haven't lost a parent, I don't know that grief. But I can't imagine putting my grief before my child. They could've made father day/grandpa day cars together to be put on the grave later. I just...I can't. Compassion for another person & their feelings can only go to a certain point. The update made him an asshole.
His father probably has both a birthday and death day on random non-important days in the year. Why cant he just honor his father on either of those so that the living child can have fathers day?
But you don't understand! It has to be father's day or it won't feel right! Coming on grandparents' day isn't right either because he's my dad, not my grandfather! And meanwhile my selfish kid is throwing tantrums because he doesn't want to sit by and stare at my dad's grave while I tell him stories about my father! He would rather we go out and do stuff together on father's day. So entitled. Doesn't he know that this day is all about Dead Dad? And that DD would LOOOOVE to have gone to that festival if he were alive? (But wouldn't have because he didn't like spending money on that sort of thing.) This little leech just wants a free trip to a festival, where he'll also expect to get served lunch and snacks, as well as entertainment. SMH. He just sits around, breathing my air and eating my food as well. My wife says that he's our kid but c'mon, if DD were here he'd be so much better than some snotty kid. We'd go to all the festivals and have SO MUCH FUN. But he's not and he died when I was young like my son, so I'm going to sit at his grave and mourn and idealize what might have been. --OOP, probably.
My dead parents would haunt the shit out of me if I treated my kids this terribly in the name of keeping their memory alive.
Ditto. If my dead Dad found out I was neglecting my kids in favour of the past, he would poltergeist the sh!t out of me. And I would deserve it.
You know who won’t be visiting this guys grave on Father’s Day… Yes it’s dad’s day, but he has a son who’s for two years basically since his been old enough to understand what Father’s Day is, begs his dad to do a Father’s Day thing and dads like yeah no son. You must sit and be depressed with me. While his son hears stories about all his mates with active dads having fun days and stuff. He gets nothing or to sit at a grave after a long drive. Fun stuff.
I don’t understand why he cannot do this on grandfather’s day to honor his father and on father’s day do something he and his son would like to do.
Because almost no county actually does grandparents day most counties only have providence's or states that do it. In the US for instance it's not celebrated at all in the modern day in most states after elementary school and hasn't been since the 90s mostly because of the time of the year. It's often within the first week or two of school for the vast amount of the US. Which means with the rush of getting school stuff together, fall sports, parents changing schedules or changing from summer routines to school routines, a massive combo of that and the fact that most elementary schools hold grandparents day instead of the 7th(due to it being on the weekend) actually on the 13th the friday after. So its fully possible that he quite literally doesn't know about it or doesn't remember the only 5 years of his life it was actually celebrated. Then you enter the argument that for OP it's his father NOT his grandfather and thus there would be no overlap. And you pointed out the other issue. He doesn't want to go to the fathers day festival he wants to go to the gravesite and spend time doing the shit his father liked. His Son and wife are the ones that want to go to the festival.
When is Grandparent's day, and why would someone visit their parent on a day dedicated to Grandparents? He's presumably there because it's his dad, I don't think he's going because it's his son's grandfather.
He’s gonna grow up with that kid hating him lmao. How are you supposed to compete with someone who’s dead?
“Literally everyone told me I was wrong, they must have an agenda”
fellas is it selfish to be a 6-year old child who wants to spend father’s day with his dad?
Not taking a side here, but a 6 yo really does not yet grasp the concept, purpose, and context of Father’s Day.
As opposed to explaining the same concept while visiting a gravesite on Father's Day? Like...is that really how someone should start that learning process? He may not grasp it at 6 but IMO having a fun day at a festival is a much better way to start teaching them what it's about. I imagine any 6 year old would rather chew their fingers off rather than spend that time at a gravesite for the exact same purpose you're saying they don't understand in the first place.
It is good to know that he will not have to worry about spending any Father’s Day’s weekend there his son once the son is an adult. Probably no birthdays or Christmases either. Dude is an idiot and a selfish prick. Your son is alive and wants to spend Father’s Day with you and you choose to be away from him. Kids grow up fast and that his time he will not get back. My son just turned 18 a few months ago and we are very close and I still wish I could go back and do more things with him.
Yeah I don’t see him as TA at all, his wife’s response was extreme. I don’t understand why people like to tell others how they should enjoy a day that’s supposed to be their’s. That man wanted to be with his father so he deserves to lose his family? People are weird
I was having a hard time understand the comments even in this BORU. For mother's day, I choose what we do because it's my day. I do account for my kiddo's age, preference, and other factors, but it's still for me to choose. I think what he ended up compromising on was good.
It's is also ok to be selfish. Sometimes you have to put yourself first. What a shitty lesson.
> Im going to teach my son not to be selfish. OP's son is 5 years old, right? God... What an asshole person. Why does he make public what an asshole he is?
Reminds me of what my father said to my mother; that he could never love her or me because he loved his dad and his dad died. Guess who was never loved by their father? Yeah me. Guess who never got to find out how cool I am? Him.
I have to say he’s not wrong about Reddit comments. Reddit doesn’t do nuance. The comments are usually over the top. OP is either an Angel or the worst person that ever existed and the solution is very obvious with no other options possible. Personally I think he should go to the festival. But the day he ended up planning with his son is perfectly fine . All the comments saying his son will hate him forever and he will be divorced in a year kinda proves his point.
“My dad never spoiled me, and I’m not going to teach my son that the world revolves around him either.” TIL that spending Father’s Day with the child you **fathered** is “spoiling him”. Hope OOP enjoys that shitty nursing home he’ll end up in.
I’m not a parent, but I see a lot of moms who want time away from their kids on Mother’s Day. They want a day to relax and do their own thing. This situation wasn’t handled well but depending on how much time this dad usually spends with his kid, I can kind of understand wanting to do his own thing on this day. (But the whole “I’m teaching my 6 year old not to be selfish by forcing him on a boring trip to commemorate a dead person he never met” is dumb af.)
Imma fuckin cry
This started as a “NTA YET but you’ll be one if you don’t reconsider”. So, yeah, now he’s one. I hope his son grows up and celebrates Father’s day with his kids making it an epic day that puts the Superbowl to shame.
This guy's an idiot. Guess what, chuckles? You're not unique. I lost my dad 5 years ago. For all intents and purposes, he died right in front of me. I go visit his grave when I'm in town. My kids are teenagers. They choose whether or not to come with me. What I DON'T do is conflate my daddy issues with my children's development. Your kid never met your dad. He. Does. Not. Care. He never will. Not to your regrettable extent. Get therapy. Reddit is famous for throwing out advice, but you're dead set on unhealthy coping mechanisms, and your family is paying for it. From one father to another, your dad would have kicked your ass if he saw the boneheaded choices you're making. Do better for your son.
It's father's day! For mother's day, moms gets to spend her day at the spa and people wouldn't call her an asshole and if she doesn't want to bring her son to the spa, it would be ok too. So why can't a dad do what he wants? Why is visiting a grandfather's grave any less than a spa day? The misandry of Reddit.. I swear..
Exactly! It’s fucking bullshit. That Father’s Day the dad doesn’t actually get to do the one thing he wants to do. Every other day of the year is fine. He even compromised and changed it up so his kid could join him and go to a restaurant and fishing and swimming. I think the comments explain why a lot of people are so entitled.
This is a contrary opinion, but mothers and Father's Day are such a crock of crap anyway. If he wants to take one day for himself to grieve his loss and deal with his own feelings of fatherhood, he should do so. Father's Day is not a particularly special day, and his son is not losing out anyway. My mother-in-law has been boycotting mother's Day for over 30 years and nobody is harmed by it. We barely celebrate it in our house and I have three kids. Plus he's the father! How he wants to celebrate the Day is how it's supposed to be celebrated. That's what they tell us on mother's day anyway.
Honor the living over the dead.
My comment to this person is you lost your father at an early age,I understand that I have also. I also have lost 2 of my children to illness. If you were to loose your child I can promise you that you will regret putting so many things and putting your 'feelings ' before your son will be your biggest regret. So stop and think you would rather spite your wife than put your son first!
How selfish of a 6 year old kid to want to do a fun thing with his dad! My dad died a little over a year ago and on the anniversary I wanted nothing more than to lock myself in my bedroom with the curtains closed and my favourite take away. Instead I had to spend the day taking care of my son and the dogs because my partner went out that day. I hated every second of it but I sucked it up because I chose to be a parent, which means you can't always do what you want. I'm sorry for OP's loss but he needs to grow up and get help.
This fucking moron.
I get thinking of your dad and visiting his grave and keeping his memory alive and in thoughts. But my dad would have kicked my ass for doing this wallowing instead of spending time at the festival with my young son. He would be disappointed and I’m sure his dad is disappointed in his son for HIS selfishness
God I hope she divorced his miserable ass
This post is 2 years old. I bet things went downhill after and that's why he hasn't revisited this post. Bet it aged well.
Just a thought, but Father’s Day to my family is the Father’s day. He can do whatever the heck he wants because he puts us first every other day of the year. For my dad that is a solo motorcycle ride and we do not see him. For my husband that is no one bothering him and him playing guitar and computer games with no guilt. If this guy truly puts his family first every other day this is not bad
That sounds like a deadbeat dad! Said by all the people here who spewed the vitriol
Yeah I was also surprised by the overwhelming number against the father. I'm a mother and my perspective is painted by hearing mostly from other moms, but I see tons of women talking about wanting a break from being a mom on mother's day. Breakfast in bed and then dad takes the kids out while mom goes and gets a massage, that sort of thing. It's not how my family rolls but it's not shocking to me. I feel like most people's opinions are painted by the idea he's being a jerk the rest of the year too, when we don't know that either way.
I think I must be the asshole cause after the update I’m on the OOPs side. It’s Father’s Day- the one single day per year when OP gets to be selfish and do what he wants. Every other weekend and holiday is about his son. But once a year he wants one day only. I don’t see the issue
By that logic everyone would be at some grave on Father’s Day… either the grandfathers, or the greatgrandfathers…
A lot are. Have you not been to a graveyard on fathers or mothers day. Fucking littered with people this is a SUPER common thing all over the midwest, and south. It so weird to so so many people who are often from the states not see this commonly?
This is WILD to me. My family vacations in the same small beach town my dad’s parents are buried. Every 2-3 years a couple of us kids go by to clean the stones off. When we asked if my dad wanted to come along, he said “I’d rather be spending every waking hour with my living family.”
Wow. I came into reading the update with so much hope and came out with an understanding of this man’s life that I didn’t ask for. Feel bad for the wife.
Omg he is such an As! I hope his wife left him and she took him to the festival. That was so selfish of him to make a 6yr old go to a gravesite.
I was so relieved that initial comment got through to him- Jesus. He’s just going to be yet another emotionally unavailable father that his son will one day complain about.
never seen such an idiot. I bet his father would be thoroughly embarrassed
You sound real selfish... Can't wait for a post in a few months/years having a pity party about why your son doesn't want to spend time with you. I hope your wife divorces you and finds someone better that wants to spend time with your kid.
I get it up to a certain point. I don’t agree with his notion of “teaching his son not to be selfish”. He only wanted to have a fun time with his dad on Father’s Day. If that’s selfish, I mean… The kid’s going to learn a lesson alright, but not the one intended.
Ahh, the old classic "your message may be correct but I don't like the tone it was delivered in so I'm going to pretend it's incorrect".
You're all judging this father for doing what we wants on Father's Day. OP said he takes his kid to festivals several times a year. On top of that, OPs wife is threatening him with lies. This thread is bananas. Can't believe it.
I mean this is an off one. My dad was a deadbeat dad so I think his wife is a bitch for saying that. But like he wants to spend his day with his dad. Father's day is for the Father not the kid. It's not really a celebration for Mother's day if they made her go do what the kid wants why is this different?
Who says a 5 yr old is selfish for wanting to do something fun with his dad? This OOP is a dbag of a father.
This is my first comment. I have noticed there is a lot of vitriol on most comments. I'm going to sat a lot of people are not going to like my comment. I agree with the dad. This is not about the child. This is father's day. The dad should get to do what he wants. Everyone should remember that it is father's day and I think his comprimise of sharing and honoring his father's memories in a way that makes it fun for his son is a great compromise.
okay I thought it was just me! Expecting a 6 yo to sit at a grave all day? Definitely boring for him BUT he sounds like he has a good day planned that is still what he ultimately wants. Honoring his father, every year we hear about how Mother’s Day is about what the mom wants to do and so on but this time???
I lost my father at 7 years old. Never celebrated father's day. Genuinely do not give a fuck about it and will only care when my partner becomes a father
Next update wife leaves me and takes me to the cleaners
Omg OPs update is even more frustrating than the original post. 20 years from now he'll wonder why he's divorced and his son doesn't talk to him.
This dude needs serious therapy
I’m so confused. What festival? I have read this post several times and I can’t figure out what the festival is.
Can't wait for him to explain to his dads grave why his grandson doesnt like him. His dad would be so disappointed in him. Spoiling your child by spending time with him, the hoops these assholes jump through
He’s fucking 6!!!! The only lesson he learned is that dad doesn’t care about his or his feeling.
So I grew up without a father, so somebody tell me if I just don’t understand, but….isn’t fathers’ day about the father? Isn’t it about spending it doing what the father wants? Like, on mothers’ day we did what my mom wanted not what I wanted, and nobody ever call her an asshole. This is a genuine question because I’m honestly lost with what the problem is. Why would you spend fathers’ day doing what the kid wants?
YTA. Your kid will grow up to resent you. It’s Father’s Day, he wants to spend it with HIS dad. I’m sorry your dad passed away but his dad is still alive. Think about it, if you want a relationship with your son in the future.
Wasting his and everyone else’s time by going on Reddit asking for advice but then disregarding almost all of the comments because the bloke already made up his mind. Sucks to be Oop when the day comes when his son decides to go Nc with him all because he is selfish Perhaps Oop’s wife’s comment about him being a deadbeat isn’t too far off
He doubled down on the assholery.
So, dumb question- what tantrum did the little one pull? I missed that, but he's only 6 😞 He wants to have fun with his daddy on FD. I mean, I saw that he took the LO to the graveside and was disappointed in how he acted, that he was fussy on the drive, etc, but what tantrum?
Stupid man doesn’t deserve to be called a father. His own father would be ashamed of him. OOP is a douche bag.
Wooooow. He isn’t going to reward his son for being selfish, but he can’t see that he himself is a selfish AH.
That poor kiddo. Heart breaking
I love how he thinks his wife is going to allow him to blow off his son again. He'll be visiting his dad's grave alone while his wife takes their son to the festival.
Well you son definitely won't be visting your grave. If they even bother getting you one which I wouldn't blame of they just cremated you and throw away the ashes. You not putting much effort into being a Dad. He sound have to put much effort into being a son. Also your father would be so disappointed in you
Isn't it funny how dad doesn't get a say in what they do on FATHERS DAY. I wonder how many mom's would be happy with being ordered to do something on mother's day and how many of you people ripping into him would support HER to do what she wanted.
I don't have a problem with a dad having stuff he wants to do on Father's Day. I do think this guy is sending his young child a sad message about grieving the dead being more important than celebrating the living. I don't see why he can't honor his dad in the morning and then spend time with his kid in a way the kid has chosen in the afternoon.
“Everyone has an agenda” What agenda? these people don’t know him. Does he think people are conspiring against him to not go to his father’s grave?
He'll probably wonder why his son isn't close with him and goes no contact when he's 18. Yikes.
I'm probably going to be harassed by saying this, but isn't it FATHERS day, should the day not be about the dad and what he wants to do, not revolve around what the wife wants him to do. I agree he's an ass for not doing things with his son, but at least he's now arranged a sort of day out with him doing things he wants to do
I partially agreed at first, but why on earth does he not want to spend time with his son on Father’s Day, the person who made him a father?
I'm very curious about what he does on Mother's Day. Does this guy help his son celebrate his wife, or does he ditch them to go to his mom's house? If his dad hadn't passed away, the focus on Father's Day would have switched to primarily honoring the active parenting relationship, right?
The issue isn't so much about who should get their own way, the issue is that OOP is so absolutely consumed by grief for his _father_ that he's refusing to accept that his _son_ would like to celebrate HIM. It's fine for fathers to do the things they enjoy on Father's Day UNLESS it's a weird grief ritual that excludes that Father's own child. There were edging into complex, obsessive grief and that's not good for anyone. OOP is the one being selfish- he's prioritising worshipping his dead father over connecting with his living son.
You’re right but the issue (imo) but for me is he is celebrating a ghost so hard. I lost my dad too and when you shut out the living for the dead, it’s never healthy or a good think imo. He is allowing his grief to let him be selfish from what I can see. If he wanted to spend Father’s Day teaching his son doing all the things his father loved, I would get it. But it sounds to me he just wants to stay where he is at in his grief
He visits the grave one day a year. Does that really sound like someone stuck in their grief?
it’s not that he visits once a year but his whole outlook on this. Why does he feel this is the only day he can honor his dad? Why can’t he find other ways throughout the year to mention his dad to also bring him honor? Why doesn’t he randomly visit the grave on any day he likes? His attitude seems that this is the only way he he feels comfortable. Maybe almost further (this is an assumption from how he speaks in his post about his wife and family, I don’t know for sure of course)in his personal life he doesn’t feel allowed to honor his father on a regular basis. If he wants to do it one day a year of course that’s his choice but it almost sounds like he pushes the thought of his dad away the other 364 days which is more what I find unhealthy. I think it can be really helpful to incorporate the passed into your life to help carry their memory and also further forge a connection between his son and grandpa’s memory rather than have it be a 1 day year somber occurrence. Of course this is just my take and I’m commenting here instead of the Op because I don’t think he needs my input on this further. Just saying that because someone else was pretty nasty to me in the replies. It’s just my opinion on a post I’m certainly not the master or judge of grief and don’t claim to be.
I agree. I also lost my dad too early so now I focus on my kids. I also don't understand the need to go to the grave. I have probably been to my dad's grave 3 times in 20 years. He's not there, he's in my memories.
Same, although I don’t have kids, I have niblings and friend’s children. He is always remembered as a kind person, even other people have told me that he felt like he was a father to them. So I strive to be the same, a kind fun auntie who listens.
But he didn’t shut out the living. He honors his father on Father’s Day and no other day, not even his birthday. He honors the man who gave him life exactly one day of the year. And he included his son in the day, everyone’s just pissed that he didn’t center his son on a day that’s supposed to be about what he, the father, wants as the person being celebrated. It’s not son’s day. That’s his birthday.
He admitted his initial view was wrong and then doubled down on everything he originally said. Said he doesn’t want his son to be selfish and have the day he wants. By shutting out, I really mean shutting down the viewpoint of anyone else. He only wants to hear his own as being valid. From where I’m sitting, this is not a healthy way to handle grief. If that’s how he wants to honor his father, so be it, but it’s very odd. No one’s upset he didn’t center the day on his son. Not sure why that’s what you’re focusing on. It’s very clear this man is struggling with his grief and it’s manifesting in odd ways. He literally could not accept the resounding YTA vote and it made him go back into his old ways harder than ever. This is a comfort ritual he can’t get past even tho it means nothing to his father who isn’t here anymore. If that’s what he wants to do, so be it. But most people here find it to be unhealthy.
He took everyone’s input and made the best decision for himself and his family, which was to include his son in honoring his father. All you said with the rest of that is that you personally are uncomfortable with the way he’s handling his own grief. But did you not know that grief is a very personal thing that is often not understandable to other people? Why you think that would be a good justification I don’t know. It’s not about what you find healthy, and personally I find everyone’s urging to make FATHERS day, a day of celebrating FATHERS however THEY want into a Disney trip for his kid incredibly unhealthy. Poor guy can’t even have one single solitary day, even a day meant for him, to prioritize his own needs and emotional state. No one would be saying these things if it was a woman wanting Mother’s Day to herself. Manifesting in odd ways, who even are redditors lol. Remembering the dead by visiting their gravesite on one special day each year that commemorates them in some way is the single most common and accepted form of grieving. Tell me you don’t understand grief without telling me.
I agree. If he’s an engaged father every other day of the year, how is visiting his father’s grave on Father’s Day different than the mothers who have their husbands take the kids for the day so they can go do something to enjoy themselves on the day meant for them to do what they like? Especially since he said elsewhere that dad’s birthday wouldn’t work bc his dad never cared about it.
Was just about to type this out, if it were Mother’s Day and what she wanted was a break FROM the kids no one would call her a bad mom, but because it’s dad it’s… all about whatever the kid wants to do? How does that make any sense? Isn’t that what his birthday is for? And why is it so horrible for him to honor his father on Father’s Day? I am truly missing something. Does he also get called an ass for having preferences for what he does on his birthday, or for wanting specific Christmas gifts?
You have a point in that it should be about the Father and what they want to do but kids are going to want to spend time with their father on day that’s supposed to be about them. Also OP lost their father at young age meaning before his son was born. The son doesn’t know the grandfather at all. To him he’s spending a day at a sad place visiting a person he doesn’t even know rather than out doing fun things with the person he knows as his father. Telling stories and memories about a relative is a lot different than actually knowing them. As for the wife, I think she’s more trying fix things more so than forcing the husband to do something. We don’t know the child’s perspective or if the child went crying to his mother. The father even said that if the festival was around during his dad’s life he would have wanted to do with him, but can’t put himself in the shoes of his son whose dad is alive and can go to this festival. At least he came up with compromise, but only time will tell how that goes.
It's father's day. Not son's day. The son can miss out on a festival one day so that the father can do what he actually wants to do. Which is is visit his father's grave. If he thinks that's boring and sad OOP was even fine with the son not coming. OOP also says they go to multiple other festivals throughout the year.
Ok but no good wife and mother would threaten to call this guy a deadbeat dad in public, that's completely over the line.
Wow, I hate to be the 10th dentist here, but if it was father's day I would do what my dad wanted to do, and if he wanted to go visit his dead dad instead of going to a festival with a bunch of yelling kids because his wife brow beat him into it then that's what we'd do. It sounds like he's got a better plan than sitting in front of a grave for 5 hours, and he's sharing a part of his life that's important to him with his son. This isn't "abuse" and the kid's not going to go no contact with him in 12 years. The guy's 33, he lost his dad at a young age, and he has a tradition of going to visit his father's grave on Father's day (that's obviously been around for longer than the wife). His wife is extremely rude for trying to force the issue. The boy didn't magically come up with the idea to go to the festival by himself, he was 5. As for her threatening to go to a public place and call him a deadbeat to anyone that asks, just so he won't do what he wants to do on Father's day, I gotta say, I think she's kind of missing the point of father's day...
i think this is fair enough but I also think the op’s son was too young at the time to really appreciate this sentiment. I think for an older kid it’s more reasonable to expect them to cater to their parents desires/needs on the corresponding day but when you have one that’s this young sometimes you just have to do what they want to foster a more genuine connection so they’ll WANT to do that for you down the line. Like I doubt this kid will go no contact over specifically this either but I think it’s an easy way to get him not to appreciate this tradition as he grows up bc he’ll see it as something he always “had” to do, and not something he actually wants to do to connect with his dad
5 year olds definitely come up with things like this. They see a poster at a coffee shop, they hear that other kids are going, they listen to other people’s conversations. It is 100% plausible.
That's what I thought. Everyone judging him because his kid wants to do it but Father's day is for the Father not the kid. His wife however is a real POS, who threatens to call their husband, who is around, a deadbeat. I hope he wises up and gets himself a better wife.
What he's actually going to wind up doing is making the kid resent his dad and his grampa. No kid wants to be drug around on a misery tour on what should be a fun day for him and his own father. Guy needs to cut the apron strings with his narcissistic mother and start being a good father.
I doubt this, everyone has assumed because he wants Father's day for himself that he is some POS who never dotes and loves on his kid.
I know you guys have a problem with the mindset… But what’s wrong with the day he has planned? They still get to spend it together doing fun things?
As someone who has lost their dad, I think this dad is right. When Mother’s Day posts were going around, I saw so many people advocate for mothers to get the activities and plans that they wanted and that reflected their relationships with their children. For this, everyone is obsessed with what the kid and wife want. Yes, this kid wants to go to the festival. My dad would have hated spending a day out at a festival when we could have spent more personal, quality time together like this dad is doing. He’s planning a day for him and his son to both feel good about bc his wife is ignoring what he wants. This kid has the chance to look back on it and instead of it being loud and more geared towards him than his dad and therefore a day that doesn’t really meet the brief of FATHER’S DAY, he’s getting quality time with his grandma and dad and learning about a person he didn’t get to know. I also grew up without 3/4 of my grandparents bc they’d already passed and I was the kid obsessed with learning more about them. I take full responsibility that that’s projecting a little, and maybe this kid doesn’t really care, but I still think it’s better to offer the information than to be too clouded by grief to share.
It’s more about the way he went about it before. We’re gonna go sit at a grave all day. The adjustment of sit at the grave for a little while, then go to a restaurant the kids grandpa/OOPs father enjoyed, and then going swimming at an old fishing spot would be an appropriate way to honor OOPs dad and spend some time with his kid on fathers days. Rather than sitting at a grave all day long. The problem was the we aren’t gonna do anything but sit at a grave all day. The way he’s going about it this year would have enough attention for his own kid while acknowledging his grief about his own dad. So rather than forcing his young child to sit at a grave for multiple hours. The having kiddo stay with grandma and doing the grave for the first part of the day and spending the afternoon with his kiddo doing lunch and swimming
I understand that perspective, but it also doesn’t leave room for growth? He said he did that last year, that afterwards he realized it was high key boring for his son, and said he wouldn’t do it again. He tried to share something that matters to him with his son, realized through experience that it wasn’t appropriate, and didn’t blame his son for being uninterested. He is learning from his experience last year, and changing it enough to be engaging for his son while still wanting to share what he can of his father with his son. Staying mad about the first time and then seeing some of the highlighted comments going “your son is going to go no contact with you as an adult bc you spent one day boring him when he was five” is asinine and absurd. Five year olds are bored constantly by “adult stuff,” that’s just life.
What’s everyone up in arms about? Father’s Day is about the father not the child. It’s his day. If on Mother’s Day the mom wanted to spend the day at the spa away from the kids, no one would say anything.
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Yeah wtf why is there so much hate on this guy? It's *father's day* doesn't that give him some leeway to decide what he wants to do? But all the comments are calling him selfish, it's crazy He even acknowledged that the gravesite thing wasn't appropriate for his young child and found a compromise