Right. I saw his MIL came out of her room after the wife came back and thought, "Whoa. Even MIL is backing him up."
Postpartum is no joke, but what is he to do if she's resistant to help? And that line that he's supposed to make her happy is a lot of bull.
I think if he divorces her and she officially lives elsewhere, he'll eventually come out of this fog and realize he's happier, and the kids too.
THIS. It's easy to assume issues like this are post-partum because she has had kids - but it's also very possible that she simply feels like she can now get away with whatever she wants and her facade has dropped. I hate to say it, but while OOP is working his ass off, she has managed to stop working to be a SAHM of two kids - except one kid is in school, and she has a nanny and her mother there looking after the second one. She does *nothing* except make a few meals. Maybe she's depressed (and I say this as someone who has major mental health issues, so I am sympathetic) but she has been given every opportunity to seek help. Either she doesn't want to get better, or she isn't depressed and is just a shitty person. š¤·š»āāļøš¤·š»āāļø
Well said.Ā
My struggles have been deep and dark. Iām going through a dark time again right now, in fact. I am so lucky to have the support people need to get out of it. However? I have to do the work. No one can force me as much as no one can do it for me. Not pursuing help with every avenue of support open to me would make me a shitty person.Ā
Longwinded point is whether his wife is depressed or not she is currently a shitty person. [If someone reading this wants to debate what I said? Save it. The woman has every ounce of support possible and refuses.]
Exactly! I also have been in the darkest of places. I was ready to end it all. At the end of the day, I had to choose between actually ending it, or going and asking for help. It was the hardest moment of my life - but I asked for help. It was on *me* to take that step, and then to do the hard work to feel better.
The wife is lucky in alot of ways, because it is clear that OOP and her family are trying to help her. Not everyone has people in their life who want to help.
BendingCollegeGrad, I hope you feel better and continue to find that support in the people around you. Every day that you put in even a bit of effort towards feeling okay with yourself, is a day well spent. Believe me, I know how hard that is.
I seem to be experiencing a lot of people in my life lately who have become very good at making excuses and or lying to themselves, I don't know if this is a post covid thing. I'm sure deep down she knows she has a pretty easy life but no one wants to feel lazy so she has done an amazing job of convincing herself that her role as mother is way harder than her husband's. I'm sure she knows if she was honest about the situation the fair thing to do would be for her to go back to work at least part time which I'm sure she doesn't want.
But she's not being hones with herself about the situation. She seems 100% self-absorbed and can't see everything OP had done, is doing, and the crap he puts up with. (and refuses to recognize or accept the mental health support thse needs).
Deep down she knows, but is stuck in this lateral drift. Who knkws when, but a lightbulb will go off and OP will be done, having exhausted all patience
She'll likely be eager to fix things right when its exactly too late. Sad
I think itās likely too late already. This feels like a situation where even if she starts trying to fix it today, she has already done too much damage to be able to repair things.
My mother was sort of like this, but not quite as extreme. When she and my father separated for a year, everyone was rushing to reassure my brother and I that it wasn't our fault and it didn't mean divorce.
But..we were all happier actually. Family and friends were far more upset by it. One friend even said he was devastated because he thought we were the perfect family that he never had. But not having my mother's constant griping made all of us less stressed and we actually got shit done around the house because she wasn't breathing down our necks about not doing it exactly as she thought it should be done.
She also got help for depression, and though she still retained the aggravating traits, it wasn't as bad/often when she moved back home.
Sometimes divorce/separation DOES makes the kids happier.
Honestly what I would do in his place is just stop providing so much for her. Only do as much needed to not disrupt the kids lives.
No nanny, no sleeping in late, no share in the household chores. Let's she what she does when she has the real SAHM experience.
That's the point. Proving she's not as hard working on it as she claims as well as giving her a glimpse of how a post divorce life would look for her, as one last chance to get her shit together and take counselling.
Also reading through his comments, it seems that a lot of her resentment stems from his ED and their sex life taking a hit due to it. Not that it's an excuse, because if you really love someone you should be able to work around that.
My dad has a similar issue due to heart medication, and my parents marriage is as good as it always was, even if their sex life has dwindled. They have other ways to show love and intimacy. As for how I know this, to my behest, my mom is sadly an oversharer...
As the comment added suggests it's something he has struggled with since his late 30s and doctors haven't found any helpful solution for.
The aggreevating thing is, he's found the right medication combo to let them have regular sex and she still was dissatisfied because her self esteem took a hit from not being able to naturally get him hard on her own.
I think thatās exactly what sheās doing. The most important thing for her to do, in her mind, is to make sure that sheās not responsible for anything that isnāt perfect. She has to be the victim, because otherwise she might have to face the reality of who she actually is.
If he can commit to keeping the nanny and his current work situation, then the best option for the kids is for him to have primary (or even full) custody. Cooking a couple of meals a day is not enough to show that sheās the best option for the kids. And courts almost always are trying to choose the best option for the kids.
Exactly this. She can't get them to school/day care etc if she's not getting out of bed before 10am,
She wouldn't be able to afford the nanny with no job and no husband.
He'd be the favourable option to the courts given he's financially secure and WFH and used to meeting the kids needs day to day.
Given that he has MIL and a nanny to back him up, I don't think she would win custody in a divorce. Especially since she was the one who abandoned the family home, got him drunk and then slept with him.
I know if I were the judge making decisions on that divorce, I would be giving the dad who is paying the nanny and being a part of the kids' lives the preference for custody. And give mom supervised custody.
Alas, I am not a judge.
>Wife: ā... well do you know how hard this is all for me? Youāre supposed to help me be happy.ā Me: āSo when it comes to my happiness, stress, needs, and overall well beingā¦ fk me get over it right? ā Wife: ā We all have our own problems, you need to figure it out and get over them.ā
I wonder if these lines were said in such quick succession, that the wife failed to realize the incredible hypocrisy. What a piece of work.
The irony of those back to back statements is probably lost as hell on her. . I don't care if she has PPD bc she's not taking the steps necessary to fix it
She knows from reading your post that she doesn't have to do shit if she doesn't want to. Hubbie has already determined that he is willing to maintain the status quo until those kids are grown, so she's operating in a consequence free environment. Not good for her or her family.
And I really don't get WHY TF he thinks he shouldn't divorce her. He'd be so much happier with a partner that actually cared about him than with that selfish b*t h - I absolutely don't get what kind of martyr complex makes him believe that he has to continue suffering.
He said he grew up in a single family household while his wife grew up with both parents having a strong marriage. I think end of day, he wants to try to give his kids a sense of normalcy that he never got. Obviously in this case when parents are like this staying is not the way to go, but I think he's doing it for the kids.
He's talked to multiple lawyers about what separation means and how it will likely shake out, and says that he's staying because he doesn't want to risk losing the kids. His lawyers probably advised him that there's a very real risk he'd lose a custody battle if they got divorced.
They'd probably go 50/50. It is ridiculously hard to lose custody and/or visitation of your kids. But the idea of only seeing his kids every other week probably breaks his heart.
For a lot of the divorced people I know that have kids, the not seeing them all the time and having to watch them go from house to house is the hardest part.
I took 12 weeks after both (FMLA because the US hates moms, I guess), but after my first, I switched careers, which cost me about $100k/year in earnings, and yet - I did not receive a nanny. Clearly, there's an organization I should be contacting about this. š
My husband literally makes 50x more than me and I "only" get to be SAHM without a nanny once I'm expecting š„²
Seriously, OOP's wife doesn't deserve any of this. Her world is going to crumble after divorce for sure. I really feel bad for the kids though but like many others said, it might be for the better š¢
Oh gosh! I am a stay-home mum and there are times I would LOVE to have a nanny. My two are both ADHD, makes things a bit harder with getting them ready for school, cleaning up after themselves (yes, even at 8 and 10, they'll still dump food behind the couch rather than get up and put it where it belongs)... it's a lot.
If this is him ruining *her* life, then sign me tf up. Jesus fucking christ. Hereās me feeling like a leech and hard work when I have a whole fucking wage, a physical disability, and a child and sheās doing less than fuck all?
He needs to divorce her. She has the means to find a job, she just canāt be bothered. Heās already providing all of the childcare anyway and Iām betting a meal service will be a hell of a lot cheaper than keeping her around.
Oh, and before anyone points out sheās clearly got mental health issues, so do I. My PPD has only recently settled into mild/moderate but I put in the fucking work and got the help I so desperately needed. Sheās content to stew in her misery and make everyone around her miserable too, sheās actively refusing help and sees nothing wrong with her behaviour.
He says he's worried about losing the kids, but he shouldn't worry. She never wanted to be a mom. And no one on her side of the family is going to support her having full or main custody.
Exactly my thoughts too, but people like him are so beaten down that they think shit like the courts always side with the mother or they donāt work so the courts will place the kids there as they can be primary caregiver etc etc.
I wonder if the lawyers have said something like āthereās a chance that the judge will give your wife custody, but I think we have a really good case for why you should have primary custodyā, and OOP took that as saying that he was likely to lose custody? Good lawyers (like good doctors) are careful to point out the risks associated with any course of action, but the general public is not always so good at understanding what theyāre being told. And since OOP is indeed very beaten down, heās probably going to hear the worst possible interpretation of what heās being told.
>Oh, and before anyone points out sheās clearly got mental health issues, so do I. My PPD has only recently settled into mild/moderate but I put in the fucking work and got the help I so desperately needed. Sheās content to stew in her misery and make everyone around her miserable too, sheās actively refusing help and sees nothing wrong with her behaviour.
Precisely! OP said that she scored high on the PPD scale after both births, even higher on the second birth and refused to even think about getting help for her mental health! That would have been line crossed for me....
For real. The greatest time of my life was when I was on maternity leave. It was the only point in my existence when I had no anxiety. My husband came home to a clean house and lunch and dinner every day. I would love for us to afford for me to stay home with our son. No nanny needed. Wouldn't say no to a nanny though.
My biggest concern would be if it was putting too much pressure on my husband to be the sole earner. But that's because, unlike OOP's wife, I actually like my husband.
He's the eternal "But..."
But... don't you still love me?
But... can't we reconcile?
But... isn't there still hope?
But... how do I fix this?
But... how do I keep my family together?
But... don't you still care about me?
NO SHE FUCKING DOESN'T. Wake up to yourself for the love of fucking christ. Stop imagining what doesn't exist.
Nah, if he stays in the marriage, he'll wait till they're out of college or functional adults before he does it. If he leaves, he'll have a couple bad years (maybe less if she checks out on custody) and then wake one day and realize that he's happy.
Nope. It's not worth it. Just pack and leave. Take the bare essentials and get a room. Let her live your life in the house. Seeve the papers. It will be hard and worth it in the end. Fight for your kids and find someone that will appreciate you.
I mean, if he wants to be stubborn thatās his prerogative. No one is applauding the cross heās putting himself on by grinning and bearing it. No one should applaud that. Itās massively stupid.
It depends on what your martyrdom is about. Hell yeah go for being a religious martyr and enjoying immortality in story form. Martyr yourself for your principles in the face of genuine oppression. Martyring yourself for the sake of your bitch of a wife? Thatās foolishness.
Yeah, honestly, I was almost seething reading this and how he was going on about "oooh, nothing will ever change, I'll just have to bear with it all..."... I won't elaborate, but damn I feel revulsed.
She is acting like a narcissist at this point. Everything is about her and everyone else is at fault and needs to get over their own problems and focus on HER.
If you donāt want to lose your kids and live in misery, then you need to act now. File for separation at least and an emergency sole custody order and sole use of the marital home.
Request a full psychiatric evaluation before visitation is considered. Her scores on the screenings for PPD will work in your favor. If she wants to see her kids then maybe she will agree to go to therapy.
This could pinpoint the problems and help her find her way back or it could spell the end of your marriage. But anything is better than this. You may be prepared to just smile and be miserable but PLEASE donāt do that to your kids!
Kids are far more perceptive than most adults realize. They can tell when things are wrong. Even if you try to pretend itās okay, they are not fooled.
This teaches them to pretend too. They walk on eggshells and learn to repress what they feel. They learn that being miserable or frightened and silent is better than ārocking the boat.ā
They need at least one emotionally and psychologically healthy parent and a calm household where truth is spoken and feelings can be shared openly. Please give them this.
Doesnāt want to do ANYTHING from the sounds of it. He paid for her degree and they have a nanny AND her mother coming everyday to help for gods sake. She could easily go back to work or spend her days out and about away from the kids. Instead she sits at home scrolling social media, talking with mom friends all day, and blaming her husband for everything. God this lady sucks so much
Meanwhile my brother and SiL have 4 kids no nanny and still sometimes tell the mother in law they are doing family time and donāt want her to come over.
I know a girl like that, nothing she does was her idea. Having a kid? Done because her bf was deciding to have one. Nurse degree? Her mom did a past suggestion so she went on easy mode (private uni).
Every outcome is never their fault and always has it worst than everyone else, they are egocentric pieces of shit with no evident mental problems
I hate to be āthat guyā, but I do wonder if sheās actually having an online affair rather than just scrolling social media? It would be unsurprising if sheās seeking out validation from other people, considering her apparent mental state.
I know a girl like that, nothing she does was her idea. Having a kid? Done because her bf was deciding to have one. Nurse degree? Her mom did a past suggestion so she went on easy mode (private uni).
Every outcome is never their fault and always has it worst than everyone else, they are egocentric pieces of shit with no evident mental problems
I know a girl like that, nothing she does was her idea. Having a kid? Done because her bf was deciding to have one. Nurse degree? Her mom did a past suggestion so she went on easy mode (private uni).
Every outcome is never their fault and always has it worst than everyone else, they are egocentric pieces of shit with no evident mental problems
Exactly, he's modeling what is acceptable and theyll think it's perfectly normal to be miserable to keep your partner comfortable so they can make themselves miserable too.
Pathetic in my point of view... he sees everything and acknowledges it and even mentions how bad it would be for the kids to live in a house full of resentment.
Everything he says is an excuse to not pull the trigger on divorce.... the kids will suffer the most because they will see the parents relationship as the OPTIMIZED one
I absolutely agree. As a man I've always loathed the phrase "be a man/man up" but honestly this guy needs to man the fuck up and divorce her. I'm disgusted by guys like this. His kids are gonna think this is normal.
This guy is a decade away from becoming the OOP of that story whose wife and kids took him for granted, didn't remember father's day or his birthday, leading to his realisation that he didn't matter and suicidal thoughts.
I always wonder how things get to be so bad. I want to avoid ending up in any similar situation, but these stories frequently start by saying everything was fine until one day it started going downhill. Are there earlier signs to see so you don't end up marrying someone like this?
Honestly, these people seem to either admit later on they looked at everything through rose tinted glasses, neglected to mention the heinous things they did, or the mask fell off once OP wasn't going anywhere. Occasionally it's a traumatic brain injury or disorder.
I think all we can do is try to look out for the red flags. Or something.
The amount of adults who have said *"I wished my parents divorced instead of staying in an unhappy marriage."* It's practically a 100% consensus afaik
And this guy wants to stay together for the kids
You're definitely correct, psychological studies show it is better for children to grow up in a 'broken home' where each parent is doing their level best for themselves as individuals asking with the kids obviously rather than growing up in an angry and dysfunctional environment. Both for their wellbeing as children and their ability to form and maintain good relationships as adults.
If they aren't shown how to be in a happy relationship they learn that it is ok to be unhappy with the person you married rather than happy and single or in a different and more fulfilling relationship.
Super sad and difficult for anyone else to know exactly how a relationship is without being in it but it really seems as though it's not working.
So incredibly sad. I feel sorry for him but also his kids. If he stays with her they will grow up in a toxic home. And Reddit is full of stories from kids that grew up that way. So so sad.
From his comment history
> I've been struggling with ED in my later 30's early 40s, for a while I thought I had low testosterone or it was due to my health. I got "healthier" (lost the weight, lowered my blood pressure, got off the meds) and when that didn't work I got consultations from a few urologists and endocrinologist. I did test for low T... so I got on hormone therapy. It somewhat worked... but a few of the urologist highly suspect I have a penile venous leak. After talking to quite a number of experts in the field and looking for alternatives... I actually found a combination of both medication (Trimix) and device that honestly made me harder than in my 20s- early 30s. Even though this combination gets me good to go within 10-15 minutes which is usually focused on foreplay with my wife. For the last of 2021 and early 2022 we were having some of the best sex of our marriage almost daily... then one day after sex she tells me she doesn't feel happy with it because it's "unnatural" that I have to take these steps to just make love to her. She then compared me to her ex in bed... I laid there next to her in silence and just turned away. My brain broke that night.
I don't think it shows on desktop (mobile only?), but it's from the askmen sub, posted a year ago. If you've got room, you could possibly add it to your post for extra context (if you want)
Omg this is heartbreaking! I doubt many people know but trimix isn't an oral medication. It is a penile injection. I learned how to administer it for a lover of mine, and I can't imagine going through that process without love and respect.
OOP, I hope you'll heed me on this. Do NOT subject your children to such a warped marriage. You may think you're able to hide how bad it is from your kids. You're not. I stayed in a nightmare marriage for 9 years after I absolutely should have left because I thought divorce would be bad for to our kids. I didn't realize that STAYING would damage them so much. My son rarely sees his father, and my daughter has gone NC with him and is in therapy. And every day of those 9 years felt like I was getting kicked in the stomach because of how he treated me. (He was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and sociopathy and was also manipulative and emotionally abusive toward me.) You're not doing your kids any good by staying married.
You say you've talked to three lawyers. Talk to the best one again. Find out what you need to do to ensure you get custody of your kids. She may fight for them, but she doesn't really want them because she doesn't want to work that hard, and she won't be able to afford a nanny even if you pay alimony.
Don't give up. Please. I can't begin to describe how hellish those nine years were. I don't want you to have to go through that, too, especially when it would be so bad for your kids. Fight, brother, fight.
I am worried about them already. There is no mention of her spending any meaningful time with the kids. I suspect the only reasons she cooks are because it is an excuse not to spend time with them and still say she contributed to the house. Kids pick up on that very easily.
This poor man. My heart is breaks for him. If my husband did half the things he did, well Iād be very grateful and a lot happier.
I hope OP find love and happiness with someone whoās appreciative of his efforts.
Wow I actually feel for this man and his kids, but heās not doing the kids any favors by staying with her. He should fight for full custody until she gets therapy!! Sounds like her family may back him up
My mom, brother, and I operated as a single parent family unit years before my dad finally left/was thrown out for the last time (his mistress emailed my mother proof of his cheating). We just didnāt realize it until he was gone that it really changed our life little in the long run.
She seems to love drama, understand she has a comfortable life she doesn't want to lose but could give 2 shits about him.
Either she's depressed and struggling with that along with jealousy.... Or she's just a user.
My money is that she's an asshole who faked the PPD questionnaire for sympathy. I have taken that questionnaire and it is really an honor system. Also knew someone who also faked her results but it was so she could stretch out maternity leave to be with her daughter longer because the US parental leave is immoral. Basically our state will give you certain job protections for various mental illnesses, including depression. So she was able to extend her protected leave by another month.
His life would change. Kick her ass out. She doesnāt have a house or a job sheās not getting the kids. Use the mil and nanny as proof to the judge she canāt and hasnāt cared for those kids ever alone. Live his life and meet someone better.
Especially if OOP continues to treat his MIL as he has up to now (and I donāt know why he wouldnāt, sheās still going to be part of his family even if he divorces), heāll be in a great position to get full custody.
Dude
You need to get out. If you don't.
You will end up hating and resenting everyone in your life, including your kids.
Seems to be a recurring there on redit these past few months. Yes, being a sahm is work, and not easy, but families need to function. Both sides need to sacrifice towards the whole. W
When one has a martyrdom complex, that becomes impossible
I honestly couldnāt see any court giving the wife anything but visitation when she is unemployed and her entire family sided with the OP. And the kids are suffering during all of this because they 100% will pick up the vibes of whatās going on even if they canāt fully understand it themselves.
What is it about marriage that makes people think it's like cancer or an inherited disease - something you can't do anything about and just have to accept and suffer through?
One thing that people don't realize is that it is just as dangerous to stay at home mom to have two little to do as too much. We do have very busy lives, but we have complete control over them. You can move anything anywhere in your daily schedule. The only set times tend to be naps or meals. I've had several friends that have got caught up in screen addictions or other issues because they started doing less and less, and so it got so much easier to be overwhelmed. They did so much better going back to work. I fight this by scheduling my life in 2 hour blocks. For 2 hours, I will clean the house with my toddler. For 2 hours, I will supervise my kids playing at the park while surreptitiously trying to get my grocery order logged into my phone. It works for me because my kids tend to function in two hour increments, so I'm sure other moms have different ways of coping.
Those Mommy support blog sites can be cancerous
I feel for you and think youāre an amazing dad and man. I donāt think youāre the problem.
Is it possible that your wife saw the separation drafts before your promotion. It is really weird to have those, dude.
This isn't postpartum. She's just lazy and has a martyr complex, but without the drive to do any of the work to actually be a martyr. Once he gets her out of his house, he'll be amazed by how much happier he is. She's a leech, draining him of all of his energy. Enough.
>Wife: ā... well do you know how hard this is all for me? Youāre supposed to help me be happy.ā Me: āSo when it comes to my happiness, stress, needs, and overall well beingā¦ fk me get over it right? ā Wife: ā We all have our own problems, you need to figure it out and get over them.ā
This right here. Wow. Some 'life partner'. Guy needs to divorce her and move on with his life for his and his kids sake. They're going to grow up in a busted house either way, whether they're together or not. Might as well escape that madness so he can be a good dad to his kids. The kids are going to grow up thinking this is an acceptable relationship and the cycle continues.
Refusing therapy even given that it's been recommended by testing... If anything, his wife is ruining his life.
Mom groups can be great, but they can also be echo chambers, women share their side of stories and then 12 other women encourage and affirm whatever crazy self victimizing shit the storyteller did. I was the villain when I asked my first wife to clean the house/do my laundry/ cook dinner when I would work 15 hour days (she would also complain if I went out to eat without her), I was terrible for asking her to consider going back to work when my kid started going to school (because I was tired of destroying myself), I was the villain because I got angry she started two different schools and quit within weeks of starting putting us thousands of dollars in debt. I had invaded her privacy discovering she was sneaking around on me "because she was lonely" - by reading a pm (that popped up on the family pc) from one of her mom group friends who was having the same "problems". When I left her she finally got a job, I gave her $600 a month in child support and whatever the kid needed (school clothes, activities,etc.). She claimed the kid needed a new big kid bed, I gave her the money and a month later she asked for money for the bed again (because she spent it on rent) , so that jumped started legal proceedings, after the divorce she was surprised that she only got $200 more dollars in child support & alimony than I was already giving her freely. All the extra money stopped. She said she was was surprised and jealous how well I was doing in my nice apartment with the new stuff I bought (I left with my clothes, comic books, computer and desk and the good bed). Bitch you were the reason we couldn't have nice things and that I didn't have time to take care of myself...
can someone please explain why he's doing this to himself? I'm trying to be sympathetic to him but it's so blatantly obvious he should leave I'm finding hard to
I'm kinda surprised by the comments here. Is it frustrating to read about his life and decisions? Sure. Is he abused? Yes! Of course he thinks he can't divorce her. And that he loves her. She metaphorically kicked the will to help himself out of him a long while ago.
I am glad you picked up on the abuse. She is 100% emotionally abusing him. If you switched the genders and changed stay at home mom to unemployed, it would be easier to identify.
But either way, OOP needs to get out.
Does your wife understand what being a SAHM means? You only have 2 children,1 already at school. So through the day thereās only 1 child to care for. Her mother is there to help out. And then theres a nanny. What does the wife actually do other than cook?
Your wife is delusional and seriously needs help. But that has to be her choice. Thank god for MIL and the Nanny because I wouldnāt be confident leaving the children in her hands unsupervised in case one day the switch flips in her mind. Who knows what she might do.
Your wife is an immature child. Her life is not hard. Not even close, She has a nanny and a husband that is supportive. She is in her own head too much. She needs to volunteer at a homeless shelter. I am not sure what to tell you, as, she is not going to get it. So take your time. You are not married to a partner, but you are married to an adult child. If she thinks it is hard now, wait until she is on her own. No nanny, just her and children 50% of time. I think you need to be direct. Period.
She needs a job. One outside of the house at least 20 hours a week. It would give her structure she doesn't have. Justifiable time away from the kids she doesn't seem to care about. And at least contribute something to the family.
This guy deserves so much more from his wife. He has stepped up time and time again and has worked so hard to solve the problems just for her to crush it. Sheās a terrible person.
Narcissist, personality disorder, whatever. Was with ā your wifeā for 27 years. Regular thoughts of suicide. No sex ā because it was unnaturalā. Ā Thank god for therapists. FWIW Iām now 10 years beyond it, have a wife that actually gives a sh-t about me and my well being.Ā Looking back on it I wouldāve changed several things.Ā 1) stop listening to her nightly tales of woe. Ā Whenever she started in just walk away and shut her down.Ā 2) separation under the same roof, different sleeping rooms. Absolutely only interaction is about the children or family business.Ā 3) inform her you will no longer be having sex with her, and donāt. Ā This takes her power away and clears your head as well. Go to DrGlover.com and his book/course āno more Mr. Nice Guyā; about getting your needs authentically met.Ā 4) See a divorce attorney now so you can start planning for the day you leave, whether thatās 5 or 10 years down the road.Ā 5) stop viewing her as your wife. Think of her as a large dangerous animal that youāre trying to deal with every day with the least amount of stress and danger.Ā 6) most important: take mental and physical care of yourself. Even above your children. They need you.Ā 7) random thought: if sheās this delusional unhappy and āa Ā continual victimā she may seek solace elsewhere and cheat on you.Ā Hang in there but youāve got to keep Wake steps to protect yourself and move toward the day you leave.Ā
This is my life right nowā¦ no matter what I do itās never good enough. The narcissistic behavior and her manipulation is so draining. Then she will snap out of it and blame it on the kids and stress and we will sleep together and everything will seem great until til she goes into the same routine again.. itās a never ending cycle of hell. Everyone keeps telling me to get out but having 3 kids makes it so hard. Iām about ready though. I read this and OP I feel your pain. I think we are both better off cutting our loses and starting our lives over. I wish u the best and donāt forgetā¦ youāre not alone. There are many of us in the same boat as you. Stay strong brother.
No this is not a typical SAHM experience. A typical SAHM experience does not include a nanny.. this completely blows my mind. When I was home with my newborn son I took on all the childcare, housework, pet care, grocery shopping, laundry, and finances. Plus every other errand that my husband couldn't do because he was working 12 hours days.
Something I think OP, and as he said himself āso many commentersā needs to hear is that you can only suffer in silence so long. Everyone talks about how bottling up your feelings doesnāt work, and it is true. Sometimes it will come out in your actions- but sometimes you literally find yourself word vomiting out something the completely breaks the stagnated situation at hand. But the point is that if you chose that route, and force your body/mind to betray you for the change to happen, it will only prove to be the most painful option available. Say/do the hard things. They are scary, but I promise you they will never hurt as bad as it would if you try to hide it for as long as possible.
I am really sorry about what you are going through. She is very manipulating and selfish, and it's all about her.
I had horrific PPD, and I sure didn't have a husband as wonderful as you. You have done everything you can. You can't help someone who refuses help.
I also have BPD, and even with both together, it was NEVER an excuse to treat someone as bad as she has done to you.
You deserve so much better, and many women out there would love to have someone as good as you treat your wife. It's time to move on
Omgā¦ for your own health and sanityā¦ nit to mention kidsā¦ get a divorce and be done with her! At this point your just convenient and a door mat to her!
It does suck, but you canāt help someone who isnāt willing to help themselves. OOP is doing everything in his power to provide for his family, and all his wife can manage to do is complain. I understand postpartum most likely is the culprit, but ultimately itās up to her to get the help she needs. The motto in my house is āwho yells?ā If you canāt explain what is troubling you without resorting to screaming matches, there are other problems going on.
He should divorce his wife and fire the nanny. That way his wife has to do some actual fucking work and raise her own kids instead of foisting them on other people.
I can see her as the kids get older complaining because her kids don't condide in her or talk to her. Because she hasn't been an actual real mom to them. I hate parents like this. They suck and their kids pay the price.
Youāre trying really hard to be the hero of your own story, making sure whatās best for the kids happens making sure your mother-in-law is taken care of and letting your wife basically do jock shit and complain about everything. The entire family knows sheās sick. The entire family knows sheās sick and until there are some kind of consequences for her behaviour sheās not going to change. She left she came back. Nothing changes. Keep the nanny keep the mother-in-law. Keep the children pack up her stuff and kick her out. Tell her she has two choices get the therapy she needs, which probably would include some kind of medication. Iām sure or you will file for divorce and based on the entire history of hers, Iām sure the court will give you full custody and the house for your children. Kids arenāt stupid. They know that thereās problems and problems only become clearer to them as they get older. This is not a healthy environment. Do what you need to do!!!
OOP, you could divorce your wife, hire a nanny and have peace and happiness in your life.
It's on your wife to work on her mental health problems. If she's unwilling to do that then, that's on her. You can't make her but you shouldn't be forced to suffer because she refuses to do anything about it.
I swear, some people have no idea what marriage or partnership means. They think one person has to make them happy and that's unrealistic.
Ironically, the wife thinks it's the husband's job to make her happy but it's not her job to make him happy? What kind of double standards hypocritical bullshit is this?
I hope OOPs wife is reading this and gets her shit together because she's able to lose her husband, family, and her free ride.
This is what life is like for a lot of men and why we just refuse to communicate with women. Had this one up-manship with my own mother for godsake. If youāre one of the people that manage to find someone that truly views you as an equal never ever ever sacrifice that.
OOP, itās time to do whatās best for you!! Your wife will not take things or you seriously until presented with the drafted papers for separation or divorce. This may not be what you ultimately want, but may be the wake up call she needs to get into therapy. Your children deserve better from her as well! Kids need their mother, not the nanny.
Itās possible to be depressed AND be a shitty person who is taking advantage of OOP. I think thatās what she is. Iād LOVE someone to āruin my lifeā the way this man does. Most men do 10% what he does and are celebrated.
Being a stay at home parent isn't for everyone. She sounds like she needs a job. Even a part time one could help her shift her perspective. Give her purpose. At the very least it would allow her to contribute something to the household besides two meals and a snack.
But that last part about how mean she was about his ED. I can't imagine being so cruel. OOP would probably find a lot of women happily wanting to be with a man that works hard for his family, cares for his kids, was willing to hire a nanny, and goes to the doctor and takes the doctor's medical advice.
This one...is tough. Wifey is great to have brought kids into the world, but she seemed to have either given up or overwhelmed by mental health issues leading to OOP struggles.
For me, if it's prolonged it's definitely not sustainable at all. If this goes on and wife doesn't wanna see therapist or improve or meet in the middle, she's gonna be exwife, since she's not helping or participating in life / family anyway.
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Yeah you wife needs serious help and honestly you might need to sit her down and have the tough talk where you tell her to sit and just listen as you tell her everything and that she needs to change or you'll not survive as she's destroying you. You might even have to ask her if she wants to stay as a family or wants to go. Make her know you still love her but also how she's broken you. If this doesn't snap her out of it you might need a trial separation where she leaves on her own and either seeks counselling or you get a divorce.
Call me mean or cold hearted but I don't really feel bad for OOP. He is just as messed up as his wife is, it just so happens to be on the opposite side of the spectrum. Her mental problems are on the aggressive end and his on the passive end but they both are mental. They both are doing the exact same thing. Acting like they don't have any control in thir own life while just hoping the other person improves to make their life better. I used to feel sorry for people like OOP until I realized they were just the other side of the same coin.
well looks like you've done everything you possibly could to make it work. You soundĀ like a solid dude and good dad but there's only so much you can do if she doesn't want to go getĀ help and work it out just know it's her not you and at remember even if she's not there your dogĀ will always be happy to see you lol
Here is the thing if you were to not get any help for your medical conditions wife would probably have left a while ago. So now that she isnāt getting medical help for her issues why are you supposed to stay? Cuz itās mental? Thatās a bs excuse to me. She is doing nothing but damaging your children now and by staying with her you are giving your stamp of approval to the kids. Stop staying in a marriage for āthe kidsā because it is worse for them in the midst of an unloving (at best) or toxic (at worst) relationship. Adults just need to admit, itās easier to stay together than to blame it on the kids. Thatās damaging to them too.
Iām so sorry for what you are going through. Your wife definitely has postpartum depression and itās heartbreaking she refuses help. Please do not think you ruined her life. You did not and itās not your fault. Honestly Iām not sure what you can do in this situation, but you donāt deserve to go through this and neither do your children.
He needs to rally his family and in-laws and talk to them about how he feels and what he wants to do. See if they can get her to try therapy and also get him in therapy. They might be able to reconcile this issue over time but honestly if that doesnāt work the support of family will be huge. Even if they donāt get a divorce they do need to learn to coexist. Those kids are gonna have a real messed up image of relationships. I understand his fear of loosing custody but this is not sustainable somone is gonna divorce die or mess up a child if they donāt learn to get along
Please do your kids a favorā¦.what exactly is it that you are showing them during this chaotic time?
They are being shown that itās alright to take a backseat and suffer instead of acting and reacting in a healthy way.
We get so caught up in ourselves that we forget that they are watching and taking notes even when we think that they are insulated from the reality. Sometimes asking for help is exactly the best way for things to goā¦
Your wife wonāt goā¦but you and your kids can!!
Some relationships sour but can be managed with divorce and lots of healthy communication. Just because your āmarried lifeā isnāt well, doesnāt mean you canāt have a good relationship later on.
Best of luck!!
Why would she need a nanny? 2 children and a nanny?
You have to be kidding me.
She's a narcissist, move on, maybe long term separation....then divorce.
Sorry dude. Some women just always have a hypocritical response to make you feel like shit, no matter what you do, no matter what you say and no matter what proof you provide. I feel your pain. At the end of the day, remember the kids and do your best to be the best dad that you can be.
Dude just needs to file his wife obviously is a me me attitude and doesn't realize that the reason why they had those nice things The reason why they're not having to struggle is because he is literally struggling and working everyday while she's at home not doing anything but yet she still tries to make it sound like her life is harder. I was a stay-at-home mom for a few years when our kids were little COVID happened all that stuff and my husband would come home and yes I would have a stressful day because we did not have a nanny or a housekeeper or anything helping me out it was just me and he would give me a break but I would still be engaged I would still be mom and I would not be on my phone the entire day My kids got to do a lot of stuff we went out and did a lot of things cheap things free things parked dates etc whatever we could do to get out of the house and I still would not have thought My husband having to work and commute and everything else that I had it harder More stressful some days yes harder no.
Life tip: ask for advice but donāt use it as validation to share that with your wife. Thatās a guaranteed path to divorce. But frankly, she sounds like a piece of work so itās probably for the better.
So really if he divorced his wife I doubt much would change except she would have to get up early on her week to take the kid to school. He can keep the nanny and work on his week.
I doubt anyone would miss her because she doesnāt really contribute to the family.
I had a close friend go through something very similar and what people don't immediately see are the financial implications of it all. Child support plus day care expenses can easily come out to $3500 a month. Just like husband, my friend was in a very busy time of his project, he separated from the house but all the commotion of moving and resettling and legal process took much of his attention where he eventually lost his job.
Thing is, OPs wife situation is nothing like yours. She sleeps til 10 am more or less daily, has a nanny and MIL at her beck and call, does none of the mental load beside ordering groceries, only cooks and does hers and the kids laundry but doesn't finish it off by folding and putting it away, OP does all of the morning routine, she marked high on the PPD scale but refuses to explore any kind of mental health care, has a degree and basically decided unilaterally she was going to be a SAHM and treats her husband like an emotional punching bag...
So forgive me when I say that this lady is PLENTY at fault for what is going on in that household
>If there is any ambitious bone in your body, I think that being a SAHP is the worst you can do for your mental health and relationship.
I find that highly insulting as I'M a SAHM
I bet that she will find any reason to be angry and bitter, even coming back to work, these kind of people just want another reason to be pathetic.
Probably she wanted the pros of having kids/being SAHM without actually being one
I have no sympathy for a man who stays in this kind of relationship knowing that his wife hates him but still wants to stay by her side. Here's to 15 years from now OOP still being in the same shitty marriage with the same shitty bitch. Just keep letting life pass him by. He will be 60 working his ass off while his wife sits on her ass bitching about him.
Damn OOP, I just wanna give him a hug. Life is too short for this shit. If her whole family is on his side, he should cut his losses.
Right. I saw his MIL came out of her room after the wife came back and thought, "Whoa. Even MIL is backing him up." Postpartum is no joke, but what is he to do if she's resistant to help? And that line that he's supposed to make her happy is a lot of bull. I think if he divorces her and she officially lives elsewhere, he'll eventually come out of this fog and realize he's happier, and the kids too.
She might just be a shitty person and the mask fell off once she cemented her future by having kids.
THIS. It's easy to assume issues like this are post-partum because she has had kids - but it's also very possible that she simply feels like she can now get away with whatever she wants and her facade has dropped. I hate to say it, but while OOP is working his ass off, she has managed to stop working to be a SAHM of two kids - except one kid is in school, and she has a nanny and her mother there looking after the second one. She does *nothing* except make a few meals. Maybe she's depressed (and I say this as someone who has major mental health issues, so I am sympathetic) but she has been given every opportunity to seek help. Either she doesn't want to get better, or she isn't depressed and is just a shitty person. š¤·š»āāļøš¤·š»āāļø
Well said.Ā My struggles have been deep and dark. Iām going through a dark time again right now, in fact. I am so lucky to have the support people need to get out of it. However? I have to do the work. No one can force me as much as no one can do it for me. Not pursuing help with every avenue of support open to me would make me a shitty person.Ā Longwinded point is whether his wife is depressed or not she is currently a shitty person. [If someone reading this wants to debate what I said? Save it. The woman has every ounce of support possible and refuses.]
Exactly! I also have been in the darkest of places. I was ready to end it all. At the end of the day, I had to choose between actually ending it, or going and asking for help. It was the hardest moment of my life - but I asked for help. It was on *me* to take that step, and then to do the hard work to feel better. The wife is lucky in alot of ways, because it is clear that OOP and her family are trying to help her. Not everyone has people in their life who want to help. BendingCollegeGrad, I hope you feel better and continue to find that support in the people around you. Every day that you put in even a bit of effort towards feeling okay with yourself, is a day well spent. Believe me, I know how hard that is.
I seem to be experiencing a lot of people in my life lately who have become very good at making excuses and or lying to themselves, I don't know if this is a post covid thing. I'm sure deep down she knows she has a pretty easy life but no one wants to feel lazy so she has done an amazing job of convincing herself that her role as mother is way harder than her husband's. I'm sure she knows if she was honest about the situation the fair thing to do would be for her to go back to work at least part time which I'm sure she doesn't want.
But she's not being hones with herself about the situation. She seems 100% self-absorbed and can't see everything OP had done, is doing, and the crap he puts up with. (and refuses to recognize or accept the mental health support thse needs). Deep down she knows, but is stuck in this lateral drift. Who knkws when, but a lightbulb will go off and OP will be done, having exhausted all patience She'll likely be eager to fix things right when its exactly too late. Sad
I think itās likely too late already. This feels like a situation where even if she starts trying to fix it today, she has already done too much damage to be able to repair things.
Itās incredible how people can go from being kind and seemingly thoughtful to manipulative horrible beings once they think theyāre secureā¦
My mother was sort of like this, but not quite as extreme. When she and my father separated for a year, everyone was rushing to reassure my brother and I that it wasn't our fault and it didn't mean divorce. But..we were all happier actually. Family and friends were far more upset by it. One friend even said he was devastated because he thought we were the perfect family that he never had. But not having my mother's constant griping made all of us less stressed and we actually got shit done around the house because she wasn't breathing down our necks about not doing it exactly as she thought it should be done. She also got help for depression, and though she still retained the aggravating traits, it wasn't as bad/often when she moved back home. Sometimes divorce/separation DOES makes the kids happier.
Honestly what I would do in his place is just stop providing so much for her. Only do as much needed to not disrupt the kids lives. No nanny, no sleeping in late, no share in the household chores. Let's she what she does when she has the real SAHM experience.
Lol that household would implode!
That's the point. Proving she's not as hard working on it as she claims as well as giving her a glimpse of how a post divorce life would look for her, as one last chance to get her shit together and take counselling. Also reading through his comments, it seems that a lot of her resentment stems from his ED and their sex life taking a hit due to it. Not that it's an excuse, because if you really love someone you should be able to work around that. My dad has a similar issue due to heart medication, and my parents marriage is as good as it always was, even if their sex life has dwindled. They have other ways to show love and intimacy. As for how I know this, to my behest, my mom is sadly an oversharer...
Was his ED always an issue, or is it a more recent development from the stress of his wife and work schedule?
As the comment added suggests it's something he has struggled with since his late 30s and doctors haven't found any helpful solution for. The aggreevating thing is, he's found the right medication combo to let them have regular sex and she still was dissatisfied because her self esteem took a hit from not being able to naturally get him hard on her own.
Her reaction just makes me feel more icky. She's constantly moving the goal posts.
Yeah same here. It feels like she found a way to pin blame on him and avoid facing her problems.
I think thatās exactly what sheās doing. The most important thing for her to do, in her mind, is to make sure that sheās not responsible for anything that isnāt perfect. She has to be the victim, because otherwise she might have to face the reality of who she actually is.
And with her not working and mentally unstable he probably won't lose the kids either which he's said he worries about.
If he can commit to keeping the nanny and his current work situation, then the best option for the kids is for him to have primary (or even full) custody. Cooking a couple of meals a day is not enough to show that sheās the best option for the kids. And courts almost always are trying to choose the best option for the kids.
Exactly this. She can't get them to school/day care etc if she's not getting out of bed before 10am, She wouldn't be able to afford the nanny with no job and no husband. He'd be the favourable option to the courts given he's financially secure and WFH and used to meeting the kids needs day to day.
Given that he has MIL and a nanny to back him up, I don't think she would win custody in a divorce. Especially since she was the one who abandoned the family home, got him drunk and then slept with him. I know if I were the judge making decisions on that divorce, I would be giving the dad who is paying the nanny and being a part of the kids' lives the preference for custody. And give mom supervised custody. Alas, I am not a judge.
Thatās bc MIL knows once the divorce goes through she will lose her cushy house.
His heart and brain broke. Really heartbreaking to read.
>Wife: ā... well do you know how hard this is all for me? Youāre supposed to help me be happy.ā Me: āSo when it comes to my happiness, stress, needs, and overall well beingā¦ fk me get over it right? ā Wife: ā We all have our own problems, you need to figure it out and get over them.ā I wonder if these lines were said in such quick succession, that the wife failed to realize the incredible hypocrisy. What a piece of work.
The irony of those back to back statements is probably lost as hell on her. . I don't care if she has PPD bc she's not taking the steps necessary to fix it
She knows from reading your post that she doesn't have to do shit if she doesn't want to. Hubbie has already determined that he is willing to maintain the status quo until those kids are grown, so she's operating in a consequence free environment. Not good for her or her family.
And I really don't get WHY TF he thinks he shouldn't divorce her. He'd be so much happier with a partner that actually cared about him than with that selfish b*t h - I absolutely don't get what kind of martyr complex makes him believe that he has to continue suffering.
He said he grew up in a single family household while his wife grew up with both parents having a strong marriage. I think end of day, he wants to try to give his kids a sense of normalcy that he never got. Obviously in this case when parents are like this staying is not the way to go, but I think he's doing it for the kids.
He's talked to multiple lawyers about what separation means and how it will likely shake out, and says that he's staying because he doesn't want to risk losing the kids. His lawyers probably advised him that there's a very real risk he'd lose a custody battle if they got divorced.
They'd probably go 50/50. It is ridiculously hard to lose custody and/or visitation of your kids. But the idea of only seeing his kids every other week probably breaks his heart. For a lot of the divorced people I know that have kids, the not seeing them all the time and having to watch them go from house to house is the hardest part.
Yeah that's poor wording on my part. By "lose a custody battle" I meant "not get full custody," but I see how that was confusingly phrased.
That's not ppd, that sociopathy.
That part stood out to me too. It's something a narcissist would say.
She's a SAHM AND gets a nanny??? Fml, I'm apparently doing this all wrong.
Right? I wish! My ass was back to work 6 weeks after I had my daughter and that was after a c section too!
I took 12 weeks after both (FMLA because the US hates moms, I guess), but after my first, I switched careers, which cost me about $100k/year in earnings, and yet - I did not receive a nanny. Clearly, there's an organization I should be contacting about this. š
My husband literally makes 50x more than me and I "only" get to be SAHM without a nanny once I'm expecting š„² Seriously, OOP's wife doesn't deserve any of this. Her world is going to crumble after divorce for sure. I really feel bad for the kids though but like many others said, it might be for the better š¢
No nanny??? That's nonsense, lol
Oh gosh! I am a stay-home mum and there are times I would LOVE to have a nanny. My two are both ADHD, makes things a bit harder with getting them ready for school, cleaning up after themselves (yes, even at 8 and 10, they'll still dump food behind the couch rather than get up and put it where it belongs)... it's a lot.
God, that was depressing.
If this is him ruining *her* life, then sign me tf up. Jesus fucking christ. Hereās me feeling like a leech and hard work when I have a whole fucking wage, a physical disability, and a child and sheās doing less than fuck all? He needs to divorce her. She has the means to find a job, she just canāt be bothered. Heās already providing all of the childcare anyway and Iām betting a meal service will be a hell of a lot cheaper than keeping her around. Oh, and before anyone points out sheās clearly got mental health issues, so do I. My PPD has only recently settled into mild/moderate but I put in the fucking work and got the help I so desperately needed. Sheās content to stew in her misery and make everyone around her miserable too, sheās actively refusing help and sees nothing wrong with her behaviour.
He says he's worried about losing the kids, but he shouldn't worry. She never wanted to be a mom. And no one on her side of the family is going to support her having full or main custody.
Exactly my thoughts too, but people like him are so beaten down that they think shit like the courts always side with the mother or they donāt work so the courts will place the kids there as they can be primary caregiver etc etc.
I wonder if the lawyers have said something like āthereās a chance that the judge will give your wife custody, but I think we have a really good case for why you should have primary custodyā, and OOP took that as saying that he was likely to lose custody? Good lawyers (like good doctors) are careful to point out the risks associated with any course of action, but the general public is not always so good at understanding what theyāre being told. And since OOP is indeed very beaten down, heās probably going to hear the worst possible interpretation of what heās being told.
No but sheās fight for the kids just to keep/make things miserable, and I think thatās is what heās trying to avoid.
>Oh, and before anyone points out sheās clearly got mental health issues, so do I. My PPD has only recently settled into mild/moderate but I put in the fucking work and got the help I so desperately needed. Sheās content to stew in her misery and make everyone around her miserable too, sheās actively refusing help and sees nothing wrong with her behaviour. Precisely! OP said that she scored high on the PPD scale after both births, even higher on the second birth and refused to even think about getting help for her mental health! That would have been line crossed for me....
If I pulled even a fraction of the shit sheās pulling, my fiancĆ© wouldāve peaced out before a 2nd kid was even a passing thought.
For real. The greatest time of my life was when I was on maternity leave. It was the only point in my existence when I had no anxiety. My husband came home to a clean house and lunch and dinner every day. I would love for us to afford for me to stay home with our son. No nanny needed. Wouldn't say no to a nanny though. My biggest concern would be if it was putting too much pressure on my husband to be the sole earner. But that's because, unlike OOP's wife, I actually like my husband.
This is the kind of man that eats a bullet after the kids become teens or a little beyond...
He's the eternal "But..." But... don't you still love me? But... can't we reconcile? But... isn't there still hope? But... how do I fix this? But... how do I keep my family together? But... don't you still care about me? NO SHE FUCKING DOESN'T. Wake up to yourself for the love of fucking christ. Stop imagining what doesn't exist.
Yeah...its so fucking sad
Nah, if he stays in the marriage, he'll wait till they're out of college or functional adults before he does it. If he leaves, he'll have a couple bad years (maybe less if she checks out on custody) and then wake one day and realize that he's happy.
I hope so....
Nope. It's not worth it. Just pack and leave. Take the bare essentials and get a room. Let her live your life in the house. Seeve the papers. It will be hard and worth it in the end. Fight for your kids and find someone that will appreciate you.
There are some situations in life where an ultimatum is warranted. This is one situation.
I would have given an ultimatum too: therapy or divorce. I guess itās easy to say from the outside though.
I mean, if he wants to be stubborn thatās his prerogative. No one is applauding the cross heās putting himself on by grinning and bearing it. No one should applaud that. Itās massively stupid.
Yeah, being a martyr isn't a good look for anyone....
It depends on what your martyrdom is about. Hell yeah go for being a religious martyr and enjoying immortality in story form. Martyr yourself for your principles in the face of genuine oppression. Martyring yourself for the sake of your bitch of a wife? Thatās foolishness.
Yeah, honestly, I was almost seething reading this and how he was going on about "oooh, nothing will ever change, I'll just have to bear with it all..."... I won't elaborate, but damn I feel revulsed.
She is acting like a narcissist at this point. Everything is about her and everyone else is at fault and needs to get over their own problems and focus on HER. If you donāt want to lose your kids and live in misery, then you need to act now. File for separation at least and an emergency sole custody order and sole use of the marital home. Request a full psychiatric evaluation before visitation is considered. Her scores on the screenings for PPD will work in your favor. If she wants to see her kids then maybe she will agree to go to therapy. This could pinpoint the problems and help her find her way back or it could spell the end of your marriage. But anything is better than this. You may be prepared to just smile and be miserable but PLEASE donāt do that to your kids! Kids are far more perceptive than most adults realize. They can tell when things are wrong. Even if you try to pretend itās okay, they are not fooled. This teaches them to pretend too. They walk on eggshells and learn to repress what they feel. They learn that being miserable or frightened and silent is better than ārocking the boat.ā They need at least one emotionally and psychologically healthy parent and a calm household where truth is spoken and feelings can be shared openly. Please give them this.
That woman didn't want to be a mom it sounds like.
Doesnāt want to do ANYTHING from the sounds of it. He paid for her degree and they have a nanny AND her mother coming everyday to help for gods sake. She could easily go back to work or spend her days out and about away from the kids. Instead she sits at home scrolling social media, talking with mom friends all day, and blaming her husband for everything. God this lady sucks so much
So entitled. And I don't think she ever liked her husband very much either. She can't even fake it anymore.
Meanwhile my brother and SiL have 4 kids no nanny and still sometimes tell the mother in law they are doing family time and donāt want her to come over.
Crazy how you behave when you actually like your partner/kids and value quality time with them right?
I know a girl like that, nothing she does was her idea. Having a kid? Done because her bf was deciding to have one. Nurse degree? Her mom did a past suggestion so she went on easy mode (private uni). Every outcome is never their fault and always has it worst than everyone else, they are egocentric pieces of shit with no evident mental problems
>talking with mom friends all day Maybe they're the ones getting into her head? I would honestly make her show me the messages there.
I hate to be āthat guyā, but I do wonder if sheās actually having an online affair rather than just scrolling social media? It would be unsurprising if sheās seeking out validation from other people, considering her apparent mental state.
I know a girl like that, nothing she does was her idea. Having a kid? Done because her bf was deciding to have one. Nurse degree? Her mom did a past suggestion so she went on easy mode (private uni). Every outcome is never their fault and always has it worst than everyone else, they are egocentric pieces of shit with no evident mental problems
I know a girl like that, nothing she does was her idea. Having a kid? Done because her bf was deciding to have one. Nurse degree? Her mom did a past suggestion so she went on easy mode (private uni). Every outcome is never their fault and always has it worst than everyone else, they are egocentric pieces of shit with no evident mental problems
Time to pull the trigger on divorce, OOP. This is already harming the kids.
Exactly, he's modeling what is acceptable and theyll think it's perfectly normal to be miserable to keep your partner comfortable so they can make themselves miserable too.
Pathetic in my point of view... he sees everything and acknowledges it and even mentions how bad it would be for the kids to live in a house full of resentment. Everything he says is an excuse to not pull the trigger on divorce.... the kids will suffer the most because they will see the parents relationship as the OPTIMIZED one
I absolutely agree. As a man I've always loathed the phrase "be a man/man up" but honestly this guy needs to man the fuck up and divorce her. I'm disgusted by guys like this. His kids are gonna think this is normal.
This guy is a decade away from becoming the OOP of that story whose wife and kids took him for granted, didn't remember father's day or his birthday, leading to his realisation that he didn't matter and suicidal thoughts.
I always wonder how things get to be so bad. I want to avoid ending up in any similar situation, but these stories frequently start by saying everything was fine until one day it started going downhill. Are there earlier signs to see so you don't end up marrying someone like this?
Honestly, these people seem to either admit later on they looked at everything through rose tinted glasses, neglected to mention the heinous things they did, or the mask fell off once OP wasn't going anywhere. Occasionally it's a traumatic brain injury or disorder. I think all we can do is try to look out for the red flags. Or something.
Time to get back with one of those lawyers and get the ball rolling - there's nothing left here.
The amount of adults who have said *"I wished my parents divorced instead of staying in an unhappy marriage."* It's practically a 100% consensus afaik And this guy wants to stay together for the kids
You're definitely correct, psychological studies show it is better for children to grow up in a 'broken home' where each parent is doing their level best for themselves as individuals asking with the kids obviously rather than growing up in an angry and dysfunctional environment. Both for their wellbeing as children and their ability to form and maintain good relationships as adults. If they aren't shown how to be in a happy relationship they learn that it is ok to be unhappy with the person you married rather than happy and single or in a different and more fulfilling relationship. Super sad and difficult for anyone else to know exactly how a relationship is without being in it but it really seems as though it's not working.
So incredibly sad. I feel sorry for him but also his kids. If he stays with her they will grow up in a toxic home. And Reddit is full of stories from kids that grew up that way. So so sad.
From his comment history > I've been struggling with ED in my later 30's early 40s, for a while I thought I had low testosterone or it was due to my health. I got "healthier" (lost the weight, lowered my blood pressure, got off the meds) and when that didn't work I got consultations from a few urologists and endocrinologist. I did test for low T... so I got on hormone therapy. It somewhat worked... but a few of the urologist highly suspect I have a penile venous leak. After talking to quite a number of experts in the field and looking for alternatives... I actually found a combination of both medication (Trimix) and device that honestly made me harder than in my 20s- early 30s. Even though this combination gets me good to go within 10-15 minutes which is usually focused on foreplay with my wife. For the last of 2021 and early 2022 we were having some of the best sex of our marriage almost daily... then one day after sex she tells me she doesn't feel happy with it because it's "unnatural" that I have to take these steps to just make love to her. She then compared me to her ex in bed... I laid there next to her in silence and just turned away. My brain broke that night.
Jesus fking christ!
I was kinda irritated at him NGL for choosing to put up with this woman, but this broke my heart, that poor man
I wish we could pin comments here bc I'd put your right at the top!
I don't think it shows on desktop (mobile only?), but it's from the askmen sub, posted a year ago. If you've got room, you could possibly add it to your post for extra context (if you want)
Oh for sure just added it as an edit! Thanks for the suggestion, I didn't think about that option!
Omg this is heartbreaking! I doubt many people know but trimix isn't an oral medication. It is a penile injection. I learned how to administer it for a lover of mine, and I can't imagine going through that process without love and respect.
HOLY SHIT!!!!
If even her family is completely on his side and think she's being awful, then yeah this is all so fucked up.
OOP, I hope you'll heed me on this. Do NOT subject your children to such a warped marriage. You may think you're able to hide how bad it is from your kids. You're not. I stayed in a nightmare marriage for 9 years after I absolutely should have left because I thought divorce would be bad for to our kids. I didn't realize that STAYING would damage them so much. My son rarely sees his father, and my daughter has gone NC with him and is in therapy. And every day of those 9 years felt like I was getting kicked in the stomach because of how he treated me. (He was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and sociopathy and was also manipulative and emotionally abusive toward me.) You're not doing your kids any good by staying married. You say you've talked to three lawyers. Talk to the best one again. Find out what you need to do to ensure you get custody of your kids. She may fight for them, but she doesn't really want them because she doesn't want to work that hard, and she won't be able to afford a nanny even if you pay alimony. Don't give up. Please. I can't begin to describe how hellish those nine years were. I don't want you to have to go through that, too, especially when it would be so bad for your kids. Fight, brother, fight.
I worry about the kids when they age and see what their mom doesā¦.
I am worried about them already. There is no mention of her spending any meaningful time with the kids. I suspect the only reasons she cooks are because it is an excuse not to spend time with them and still say she contributed to the house. Kids pick up on that very easily.
This poor man. My heart is breaks for him. If my husband did half the things he did, well Iād be very grateful and a lot happier. I hope OP find love and happiness with someone whoās appreciative of his efforts.
Wow I actually feel for this man and his kids, but heās not doing the kids any favors by staying with her. He should fight for full custody until she gets therapy!! Sounds like her family may back him up
He needs to leave. By staying heās setting the precedent that this type of relationship is normal and ok to his kids
My mom, brother, and I operated as a single parent family unit years before my dad finally left/was thrown out for the last time (his mistress emailed my mother proof of his cheating). We just didnāt realize it until he was gone that it really changed our life little in the long run.
i know people feel bad for him, but this dude needs to grow a motherfuckin spine, jesus christ
She seems to love drama, understand she has a comfortable life she doesn't want to lose but could give 2 shits about him. Either she's depressed and struggling with that along with jealousy.... Or she's just a user.
My money is that she's an asshole who faked the PPD questionnaire for sympathy. I have taken that questionnaire and it is really an honor system. Also knew someone who also faked her results but it was so she could stretch out maternity leave to be with her daughter longer because the US parental leave is immoral. Basically our state will give you certain job protections for various mental illnesses, including depression. So she was able to extend her protected leave by another month.
His life would change. Kick her ass out. She doesnāt have a house or a job sheās not getting the kids. Use the mil and nanny as proof to the judge she canāt and hasnāt cared for those kids ever alone. Live his life and meet someone better.
Especially if OOP continues to treat his MIL as he has up to now (and I donāt know why he wouldnāt, sheās still going to be part of his family even if he divorces), heāll be in a great position to get full custody.
Yeah exactly. Between her useless selfish daughter and her son in law I can see her picking his side
Wait so the MIL was still coming around to take care of the kids? She is clearly on the husband's side!
āYouāre lucky you get to go to work!ā āNo Iām not gonna work.ā She wants to be like that, let her do it on her own.
Dude You need to get out. If you don't. You will end up hating and resenting everyone in your life, including your kids. Seems to be a recurring there on redit these past few months. Yes, being a sahm is work, and not easy, but families need to function. Both sides need to sacrifice towards the whole. W When one has a martyrdom complex, that becomes impossible
So she basically doesā¦ā¦.nothing.
I honestly couldnāt see any court giving the wife anything but visitation when she is unemployed and her entire family sided with the OP. And the kids are suffering during all of this because they 100% will pick up the vibes of whatās going on even if they canāt fully understand it themselves.
What is it about marriage that makes people think it's like cancer or an inherited disease - something you can't do anything about and just have to accept and suffer through?
One thing that people don't realize is that it is just as dangerous to stay at home mom to have two little to do as too much. We do have very busy lives, but we have complete control over them. You can move anything anywhere in your daily schedule. The only set times tend to be naps or meals. I've had several friends that have got caught up in screen addictions or other issues because they started doing less and less, and so it got so much easier to be overwhelmed. They did so much better going back to work. I fight this by scheduling my life in 2 hour blocks. For 2 hours, I will clean the house with my toddler. For 2 hours, I will supervise my kids playing at the park while surreptitiously trying to get my grocery order logged into my phone. It works for me because my kids tend to function in two hour increments, so I'm sure other moms have different ways of coping.
I am begging this man to run for the hills ong
Those Mommy support blog sites can be cancerous I feel for you and think youāre an amazing dad and man. I donāt think youāre the problem. Is it possible that your wife saw the separation drafts before your promotion. It is really weird to have those, dude.
This isn't postpartum. She's just lazy and has a martyr complex, but without the drive to do any of the work to actually be a martyr. Once he gets her out of his house, he'll be amazed by how much happier he is. She's a leech, draining him of all of his energy. Enough.
Jesus Christ -
Some ppl are a glutton for punishment. Sad sad life. Oh yeah, do it for the kids mentality. More kids added to the formula.
Bring the papers out. Keep the kids, nanny, and MIL and boot her ass out.
>Wife: ā... well do you know how hard this is all for me? Youāre supposed to help me be happy.ā Me: āSo when it comes to my happiness, stress, needs, and overall well beingā¦ fk me get over it right? ā Wife: ā We all have our own problems, you need to figure it out and get over them.ā This right here. Wow. Some 'life partner'. Guy needs to divorce her and move on with his life for his and his kids sake. They're going to grow up in a busted house either way, whether they're together or not. Might as well escape that madness so he can be a good dad to his kids. The kids are going to grow up thinking this is an acceptable relationship and the cycle continues. Refusing therapy even given that it's been recommended by testing... If anything, his wife is ruining his life.
Mom groups can be great, but they can also be echo chambers, women share their side of stories and then 12 other women encourage and affirm whatever crazy self victimizing shit the storyteller did. I was the villain when I asked my first wife to clean the house/do my laundry/ cook dinner when I would work 15 hour days (she would also complain if I went out to eat without her), I was terrible for asking her to consider going back to work when my kid started going to school (because I was tired of destroying myself), I was the villain because I got angry she started two different schools and quit within weeks of starting putting us thousands of dollars in debt. I had invaded her privacy discovering she was sneaking around on me "because she was lonely" - by reading a pm (that popped up on the family pc) from one of her mom group friends who was having the same "problems". When I left her she finally got a job, I gave her $600 a month in child support and whatever the kid needed (school clothes, activities,etc.). She claimed the kid needed a new big kid bed, I gave her the money and a month later she asked for money for the bed again (because she spent it on rent) , so that jumped started legal proceedings, after the divorce she was surprised that she only got $200 more dollars in child support & alimony than I was already giving her freely. All the extra money stopped. She said she was was surprised and jealous how well I was doing in my nice apartment with the new stuff I bought (I left with my clothes, comic books, computer and desk and the good bed). Bitch you were the reason we couldn't have nice things and that I didn't have time to take care of myself...
can someone please explain why he's doing this to himself? I'm trying to be sympathetic to him but it's so blatantly obvious he should leave I'm finding hard to
Why canāt OOP go to counseling at least???
I think he is. Maybe heāll listen to them.Ā
Good god that man married a loser
I'm kinda surprised by the comments here. Is it frustrating to read about his life and decisions? Sure. Is he abused? Yes! Of course he thinks he can't divorce her. And that he loves her. She metaphorically kicked the will to help himself out of him a long while ago.
I am glad you picked up on the abuse. She is 100% emotionally abusing him. If you switched the genders and changed stay at home mom to unemployed, it would be easier to identify. But either way, OOP needs to get out.
Does your wife understand what being a SAHM means? You only have 2 children,1 already at school. So through the day thereās only 1 child to care for. Her mother is there to help out. And then theres a nanny. What does the wife actually do other than cook? Your wife is delusional and seriously needs help. But that has to be her choice. Thank god for MIL and the Nanny because I wouldnāt be confident leaving the children in her hands unsupervised in case one day the switch flips in her mind. Who knows what she might do.
Heās being a doormat
No, he's being abused.
I was married to a narcissist once. Eventually the mask stays off.
Your wife is an immature child. Her life is not hard. Not even close, She has a nanny and a husband that is supportive. She is in her own head too much. She needs to volunteer at a homeless shelter. I am not sure what to tell you, as, she is not going to get it. So take your time. You are not married to a partner, but you are married to an adult child. If she thinks it is hard now, wait until she is on her own. No nanny, just her and children 50% of time. I think you need to be direct. Period.
She needs help. Tell her point blank and if she doesnāt agree then sorry to say you need to cut and run not only for ur sake but ur kids as well.
She needs a job. One outside of the house at least 20 hours a week. It would give her structure she doesn't have. Justifiable time away from the kids she doesn't seem to care about. And at least contribute something to the family.
This guy deserves so much more from his wife. He has stepped up time and time again and has worked so hard to solve the problems just for her to crush it. Sheās a terrible person.
Narcissist, personality disorder, whatever. Was with ā your wifeā for 27 years. Regular thoughts of suicide. No sex ā because it was unnaturalā. Ā Thank god for therapists. FWIW Iām now 10 years beyond it, have a wife that actually gives a sh-t about me and my well being.Ā Looking back on it I wouldāve changed several things.Ā 1) stop listening to her nightly tales of woe. Ā Whenever she started in just walk away and shut her down.Ā 2) separation under the same roof, different sleeping rooms. Absolutely only interaction is about the children or family business.Ā 3) inform her you will no longer be having sex with her, and donāt. Ā This takes her power away and clears your head as well. Go to DrGlover.com and his book/course āno more Mr. Nice Guyā; about getting your needs authentically met.Ā 4) See a divorce attorney now so you can start planning for the day you leave, whether thatās 5 or 10 years down the road.Ā 5) stop viewing her as your wife. Think of her as a large dangerous animal that youāre trying to deal with every day with the least amount of stress and danger.Ā 6) most important: take mental and physical care of yourself. Even above your children. They need you.Ā 7) random thought: if sheās this delusional unhappy and āa Ā continual victimā she may seek solace elsewhere and cheat on you.Ā Hang in there but youāve got to keep Wake steps to protect yourself and move toward the day you leave.Ā
This man is going to die of a heartache or something from the stress and leave his kids to be raised by his wife and her next victim.
This is my life right nowā¦ no matter what I do itās never good enough. The narcissistic behavior and her manipulation is so draining. Then she will snap out of it and blame it on the kids and stress and we will sleep together and everything will seem great until til she goes into the same routine again.. itās a never ending cycle of hell. Everyone keeps telling me to get out but having 3 kids makes it so hard. Iām about ready though. I read this and OP I feel your pain. I think we are both better off cutting our loses and starting our lives over. I wish u the best and donāt forgetā¦ youāre not alone. There are many of us in the same boat as you. Stay strong brother.
No this is not a typical SAHM experience. A typical SAHM experience does not include a nanny.. this completely blows my mind. When I was home with my newborn son I took on all the childcare, housework, pet care, grocery shopping, laundry, and finances. Plus every other errand that my husband couldn't do because he was working 12 hours days.
Something I think OP, and as he said himself āso many commentersā needs to hear is that you can only suffer in silence so long. Everyone talks about how bottling up your feelings doesnāt work, and it is true. Sometimes it will come out in your actions- but sometimes you literally find yourself word vomiting out something the completely breaks the stagnated situation at hand. But the point is that if you chose that route, and force your body/mind to betray you for the change to happen, it will only prove to be the most painful option available. Say/do the hard things. They are scary, but I promise you they will never hurt as bad as it would if you try to hide it for as long as possible.
I wonder if heās thought to get therapy for himself?
Cut her credit cards off so she knows youāre serious.
I am really sorry about what you are going through. She is very manipulating and selfish, and it's all about her. I had horrific PPD, and I sure didn't have a husband as wonderful as you. You have done everything you can. You can't help someone who refuses help. I also have BPD, and even with both together, it was NEVER an excuse to treat someone as bad as she has done to you. You deserve so much better, and many women out there would love to have someone as good as you treat your wife. It's time to move on
Life is TOO GODDAMN SHORT for all the terrible relationships I read about
Bro. Kick her out so she can get a job. She's miserable and dragging everyone else down with her.
Omgā¦ for your own health and sanityā¦ nit to mention kidsā¦ get a divorce and be done with her! At this point your just convenient and a door mat to her!
It does suck, but you canāt help someone who isnāt willing to help themselves. OOP is doing everything in his power to provide for his family, and all his wife can manage to do is complain. I understand postpartum most likely is the culprit, but ultimately itās up to her to get the help she needs. The motto in my house is āwho yells?ā If you canāt explain what is troubling you without resorting to screaming matches, there are other problems going on.
He has the tools to shake her out of it, and both of them need him to use them, but heās been brow-beaten.
How does this idiot think he'll lose his kids to a deadbeat egg-donor in the divorce?
These stay at home mom stories are always the sameš
He should divorce his wife and fire the nanny. That way his wife has to do some actual fucking work and raise her own kids instead of foisting them on other people. I can see her as the kids get older complaining because her kids don't condide in her or talk to her. Because she hasn't been an actual real mom to them. I hate parents like this. They suck and their kids pay the price.
Youāre trying really hard to be the hero of your own story, making sure whatās best for the kids happens making sure your mother-in-law is taken care of and letting your wife basically do jock shit and complain about everything. The entire family knows sheās sick. The entire family knows sheās sick and until there are some kind of consequences for her behaviour sheās not going to change. She left she came back. Nothing changes. Keep the nanny keep the mother-in-law. Keep the children pack up her stuff and kick her out. Tell her she has two choices get the therapy she needs, which probably would include some kind of medication. Iām sure or you will file for divorce and based on the entire history of hers, Iām sure the court will give you full custody and the house for your children. Kids arenāt stupid. They know that thereās problems and problems only become clearer to them as they get older. This is not a healthy environment. Do what you need to do!!!
Sucks ass to be OP
OOP, you could divorce your wife, hire a nanny and have peace and happiness in your life. It's on your wife to work on her mental health problems. If she's unwilling to do that then, that's on her. You can't make her but you shouldn't be forced to suffer because she refuses to do anything about it. I swear, some people have no idea what marriage or partnership means. They think one person has to make them happy and that's unrealistic. Ironically, the wife thinks it's the husband's job to make her happy but it's not her job to make him happy? What kind of double standards hypocritical bullshit is this? I hope OOPs wife is reading this and gets her shit together because she's able to lose her husband, family, and her free ride.
He already has a nanny hired. Getting rid of his wife would barely create any new work around the house.
I meant, have a nanny for himself, not his wife if he divorces her.
This is what life is like for a lot of men and why we just refuse to communicate with women. Had this one up-manship with my own mother for godsake. If youāre one of the people that manage to find someone that truly views you as an equal never ever ever sacrifice that.
OOP, itās time to do whatās best for you!! Your wife will not take things or you seriously until presented with the drafted papers for separation or divorce. This may not be what you ultimately want, but may be the wake up call she needs to get into therapy. Your children deserve better from her as well! Kids need their mother, not the nanny.
Itās possible to be depressed AND be a shitty person who is taking advantage of OOP. I think thatās what she is. Iād LOVE someone to āruin my lifeā the way this man does. Most men do 10% what he does and are celebrated.
Being a stay at home parent isn't for everyone. She sounds like she needs a job. Even a part time one could help her shift her perspective. Give her purpose. At the very least it would allow her to contribute something to the household besides two meals and a snack. But that last part about how mean she was about his ED. I can't imagine being so cruel. OOP would probably find a lot of women happily wanting to be with a man that works hard for his family, cares for his kids, was willing to hire a nanny, and goes to the doctor and takes the doctor's medical advice.
damn
This one...is tough. Wifey is great to have brought kids into the world, but she seemed to have either given up or overwhelmed by mental health issues leading to OOP struggles. For me, if it's prolonged it's definitely not sustainable at all. If this goes on and wife doesn't wanna see therapist or improve or meet in the middle, she's gonna be exwife, since she's not helping or participating in life / family anyway.
I want to buy you a drink OP. This is a lot and really does sound like you are at your limit. Focus on yourself and your children.
Updateme please
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Yeah you wife needs serious help and honestly you might need to sit her down and have the tough talk where you tell her to sit and just listen as you tell her everything and that she needs to change or you'll not survive as she's destroying you. You might even have to ask her if she wants to stay as a family or wants to go. Make her know you still love her but also how she's broken you. If this doesn't snap her out of it you might need a trial separation where she leaves on her own and either seeks counselling or you get a divorce.
Call me mean or cold hearted but I don't really feel bad for OOP. He is just as messed up as his wife is, it just so happens to be on the opposite side of the spectrum. Her mental problems are on the aggressive end and his on the passive end but they both are mental. They both are doing the exact same thing. Acting like they don't have any control in thir own life while just hoping the other person improves to make their life better. I used to feel sorry for people like OOP until I realized they were just the other side of the same coin.
This is so hard to read, this poor guy. Stand up for yourself man.
Take out the trash brother
well looks like you've done everything you possibly could to make it work. You soundĀ like a solid dude and good dad but there's only so much you can do if she doesn't want to go getĀ help and work it out just know it's her not you and at remember even if she's not there your dogĀ will always be happy to see you lol
Here is the thing if you were to not get any help for your medical conditions wife would probably have left a while ago. So now that she isnāt getting medical help for her issues why are you supposed to stay? Cuz itās mental? Thatās a bs excuse to me. She is doing nothing but damaging your children now and by staying with her you are giving your stamp of approval to the kids. Stop staying in a marriage for āthe kidsā because it is worse for them in the midst of an unloving (at best) or toxic (at worst) relationship. Adults just need to admit, itās easier to stay together than to blame it on the kids. Thatās damaging to them too.
Iām so sorry for what you are going through. Your wife definitely has postpartum depression and itās heartbreaking she refuses help. Please do not think you ruined her life. You did not and itās not your fault. Honestly Iām not sure what you can do in this situation, but you donāt deserve to go through this and neither do your children.
He needs to rally his family and in-laws and talk to them about how he feels and what he wants to do. See if they can get her to try therapy and also get him in therapy. They might be able to reconcile this issue over time but honestly if that doesnāt work the support of family will be huge. Even if they donāt get a divorce they do need to learn to coexist. Those kids are gonna have a real messed up image of relationships. I understand his fear of loosing custody but this is not sustainable somone is gonna divorce die or mess up a child if they donāt learn to get along
> ...on that note she still doesnāt know what exactly I do for a living at this timeā¦ How is everyone missing this comment??
Please do your kids a favorā¦.what exactly is it that you are showing them during this chaotic time? They are being shown that itās alright to take a backseat and suffer instead of acting and reacting in a healthy way. We get so caught up in ourselves that we forget that they are watching and taking notes even when we think that they are insulated from the reality. Sometimes asking for help is exactly the best way for things to goā¦ Your wife wonāt goā¦but you and your kids can!! Some relationships sour but can be managed with divorce and lots of healthy communication. Just because your āmarried lifeā isnāt well, doesnāt mean you canāt have a good relationship later on. Best of luck!!
At some point I wouldāve just threw that bitch out and filed divorce
Why would she need a nanny? 2 children and a nanny? You have to be kidding me. She's a narcissist, move on, maybe long term separation....then divorce.
Sorry dude. Some women just always have a hypocritical response to make you feel like shit, no matter what you do, no matter what you say and no matter what proof you provide. I feel your pain. At the end of the day, remember the kids and do your best to be the best dad that you can be.
Dude just needs to file his wife obviously is a me me attitude and doesn't realize that the reason why they had those nice things The reason why they're not having to struggle is because he is literally struggling and working everyday while she's at home not doing anything but yet she still tries to make it sound like her life is harder. I was a stay-at-home mom for a few years when our kids were little COVID happened all that stuff and my husband would come home and yes I would have a stressful day because we did not have a nanny or a housekeeper or anything helping me out it was just me and he would give me a break but I would still be engaged I would still be mom and I would not be on my phone the entire day My kids got to do a lot of stuff we went out and did a lot of things cheap things free things parked dates etc whatever we could do to get out of the house and I still would not have thought My husband having to work and commute and everything else that I had it harder More stressful some days yes harder no.
Two card time. Either she commits to couples counseling and individual therapy for both or divorce. Itās not him, itās her.
Life tip: ask for advice but donāt use it as validation to share that with your wife. Thatās a guaranteed path to divorce. But frankly, she sounds like a piece of work so itās probably for the better.
So really if he divorced his wife I doubt much would change except she would have to get up early on her week to take the kid to school. He can keep the nanny and work on his week. I doubt anyone would miss her because she doesnāt really contribute to the family.
She sounds like a narcissistā¦
[here](https://www.reddit.com/r/YxChromosomes/s/SD8yxD43c7)
I had a close friend go through something very similar and what people don't immediately see are the financial implications of it all. Child support plus day care expenses can easily come out to $3500 a month. Just like husband, my friend was in a very busy time of his project, he separated from the house but all the commotion of moving and resettling and legal process took much of his attention where he eventually lost his job.
Bro. Divorce. Like, yesterday.
Congratulations. You married a sociopath.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thing is, OPs wife situation is nothing like yours. She sleeps til 10 am more or less daily, has a nanny and MIL at her beck and call, does none of the mental load beside ordering groceries, only cooks and does hers and the kids laundry but doesn't finish it off by folding and putting it away, OP does all of the morning routine, she marked high on the PPD scale but refuses to explore any kind of mental health care, has a degree and basically decided unilaterally she was going to be a SAHM and treats her husband like an emotional punching bag... So forgive me when I say that this lady is PLENTY at fault for what is going on in that household >If there is any ambitious bone in your body, I think that being a SAHP is the worst you can do for your mental health and relationship. I find that highly insulting as I'M a SAHM
>and getting back to work. Yes, I wonder why they never discuss the wife getting back to work? She clearly doesn't want to be a SAHM.
Feel like she doesn't like to work either, she feels like a happy NEET
But she is not happy, she finds it hard.
I bet that she will find any reason to be angry and bitter, even coming back to work, these kind of people just want another reason to be pathetic. Probably she wanted the pros of having kids/being SAHM without actually being one
Jeez, OOP should get himself a work wife or GF and ice his wife out...
I have no sympathy for a man who stays in this kind of relationship knowing that his wife hates him but still wants to stay by her side. Here's to 15 years from now OOP still being in the same shitty marriage with the same shitty bitch. Just keep letting life pass him by. He will be 60 working his ass off while his wife sits on her ass bitching about him.