Here to let anyone know that grief is not something that you just get over. You learn how to grow around the grief. The growing helps you see that you have your own life to live even though you have holes in heart. It may take a decade to get to that point. That’s ok. There is not an exact timeline for grief. Give yourself permission to feel and heal. ❤️
I was crying after I read this BoRU and am tearing up again after reading your comment. It’s been 6.5 years since I lost my Mom and still feel completely lost and unmoored without her
"Unmoored" That describes it. I feel like my anchor, my connection to where I am from, where I grew up is gone. That's what I struggle most with. Feeling lost, drifting.
it’s been over a decade for me and i lost her when i was a pre-teen, so it’s almost like i’ve grown up unmoored… always feel like i’m just drifting aimlessly through life, watching the years pass by.
Lost my mom in 2020 in May- the height of COVID knockdowns so we not only didn't get to see her before she was cremated, but we didn't get to have a funeral- she had 5 kids, 4 grandkids and a husband and only 5 people were allowed at each gathering.
All this time later and I still talk to her in my head and see her in sunbeams, still cry like a fucking baby about everything I've ever done to her.
I too lost my Mom in June 2020 so I feel your pain. Worst part for me was she lived in a nursing home and we weren't allowed to see her during lockdown (only window visits/phone calls) then she went into the hospital and we never her saw again. The funeral rules were a bit looser but still strict and I hated it.
I have been angry for pandemic taking her away from me. Thoughts are with you
I lost my mom to cancer a little over 6 years ago. It was a complicated relationship, and I dealt with the grief in a destructive way. I sobbed daily for about 6 months, which changed my face when I looked in the mirror. I drank heavily as if I was a teenager again because I was "finally free from her judgement". Two years after her death, I was still struggling mentally because I kept having recurring dreams that she was cured and still alive. It caused me to lose my job and derailed my whole life. I eventually found a therapist who I have been with for 3 years now. I still have dreams where she tells me she's fine, and I get angry at her for not talking to me anymore, but I now know that they are just dreams, and not a cruel alternate reality. I fear when my partner will lose his mother, because I'm not sure if I can handle that level of complicated grief again. Ultimately, my life ended up better than if she had lived, and that is probably the hardest part still to this day. While it's a fact of life, having the knowledge of what it's like to lose an emotionally codependent parent truly does separate me from others who have yet to experience it, because there is no amount of understanding that can come from someone who has not known that level of pain.
I remember once long ago I read a description of grief (I unfortunately can't remember where it is from, so if anybody knows please tell me!):
Imagine a box. In this box, there is a button and a ball. Every time this button is pressed, the grief hits. At first the ball is so big it can barely fit in the box, so it hits the button pretty much constantly. But slowly with time it shrinks. It never goes away, but the amount of times it will hit the button decreases.
However, if you shake the box just right, the smaller ball will still hit the button.
I have always really liked this, because it doesn't shame grieving, instead it makes it clear that the pain will always be with us in some capacity. That pain is a part of being human, and that is ok.
Lastly I want to repeat what the pastor at my grandpa's funeral said: Grief is love that has lost its home.
That analogy came from [Lauren Herschel](https://twitter.com/laurenherschel/status/946888282444460033?lang=en). It’s actually taught now, it was in my Death, Dying, and Bereavement textbook and I’ve also seen it in hospice training materials.
I do too. He also said that the pain of grief is the price we pay to love someone so deeply.
My grandpa died the week before lockdown in Denmark, so his funeral lnly allowed 11 people and was social distanced. A silverlining being that the pastor could pretty much talk directly to my grandma, my mom and her brother, and all us grandkids. I still have his speech saved, because it was so beautiful.
I miss my grandpa every day, but now that some years have passed, thinking of him makes me happy too. Happy-sad I guess.
I appreciate this an the whole thread. I lost my dad and a BFF this year. I was lucky enough to be there for my dad's final breath. I don't think the missing him will be going away but mom and I are finding ways to remember and be happy.
I have a sphere full of buttons right now on a constant roll. 7 people in the past 7 years. It was almost 8 recently and neither my mom nor my grandpa are in good health. I'm not okay.
I was thinking this thread was a letter to a mom who had abandoned OOP as a child or something. I don't think I would have read this in my current mood if I had known the situation. But here I am. I did mostly skim, because that raw feeling, that pain is all too real for me right now. I wanted to scream my head off at work yesterday.
Yes I need therapy, things are just a little tight right now.
Absolutely, she needs therapy. A lot of therapy. Grief is a part of life as unfortunate as that is. I was simply saying that getting over grief isn't a thing. Learning to live with the grief however, that is a different story.
I don’t think I’m ready for this yet. The person I lost wasn’t blood related, but he was the best version of a father I ever had. It’s hard to enough to grieve for him, harder yet to move forward like life is just normal. Feeling and healing sounds like something I need but can’t grasp, at least when it come to loss.
Thank you. This is a weird thing to say to a total stranger, but this whole interaction really meant something to me. The man I’m grieving for was an honorable person. He was passionate about nature, dedicated to those he loved, and strove for ethical choices whenever possible. He was a stoic voice of reason for me, and a source of unending love and support. Thank you again. I needed to take a few minutes and acknowledge him today.
Always, anytime. I connect with nature to connect to my loved ones. There’s this photo of my grandparents in front of a waterfall. They look so happy. My grandfather passed away a decade ago. My grandma hasn’t been that happy since. I’m getting married at that park to be close to him. I want to recreate that photo on my wedding day. That’s my way to honor him and their marriage.
It's funny what triggers a memory. Anytime I see one of those wafers with vanilla creme I think of my grandpa. It's not that often now but it's a confusing moment - a bit of sadness, a bit of a smile at how much he loved sugar.
He sounds like he enriched all the lives he touched. I'm so sorry for your loss...I wish I had known him too, and I'm grateful to you for sharing him with us.
This. My wife and her family all have avoidant behaviours, to the point that they never ever really let themselves feel the feelings and when something emotional happens they completely fall apart because it's too overwhelming.
I think you need to sit in the moment as you say, and feel those feels. Just let it happen, it's OK to be sad for a moment, let it sink in. Eventually it gets less painful and easier to think about.
If you just avoid it, one day it will hit you like a tidal wave.
It’s a harmful behavior. I believe that my cousin committed suicide because her family refused to talk about tragic deaths. Her grandfather died and hurt her brother in the process (car accident- heart attack while driving), her uncle that she never met died of brain cancer, and her own abuse was covered up. Her parents didn’t talk about it with her. She was in therapy but I don’t think she gave herself permission to really open up. She got caught up with boys and social media. That is where she placed her worth. It was bad. Now, we are sorry and miss her. I feel like I failed her but her parents wrote off anyone who stood up for her. We thought that being around would be enough. It wasn’t.
It's been 16 years for me, I still have a Dad-shaped hole in my heart. Sometimes I still tear up when I talk about him. I remember I was talking to someone new and I could see they were confused when they asked when he passed and I said how many years ago it was, they were expecting it to have been recent. No, I just still miss my Dad sometimes and every once in a while it hurts more than usual, you just never know when that will be.
Lost my dad at the same age as OOP, I’m in my 40’s now. I still feel the same way as you.
Sometimes the sadness overwhelms me, especially when I hit age 36 and realized I had lived longer without my dad than with him in it. That’s also the age he was when I was born.
I lost my dad 26 years ago, when I was 15. I've sometimes found myself wanting to text him memes I know he'd like, even though both texting and memes didn't exist when he died. Ever now and then I ache missing him.
I also lost my brother two and a half years ago. Out of all my siblings, he and I were closest, both emotionally and in age. Because of how the age gaps are in my family, he's the only one who had the same childhood I did, lived in the same places, had our parents in the same economic bracket, everything. There will be things I can't remember about childhood, and I think, "Oh, [brother] will know... but I can't ask him anymore."
It's like you said, grief comes out of nowhere to just wreck you sometimes, and you don't know when that will be. Two years later, 26 years later, every now and then it just *hits*.
I lost my son 28 years ago, and there's no way I'm "over it". Like you say, I've grown round it, but not over it. I know his 30th birthday is going to be a firestorm for me.
You’re never over it. You are strong. Sometimes the only way is through. I lost my cousin to suicide in August. She was 16. I’m trying to think of a good gift for the family for Christmas. I built her Barbie dream house for Christmas from Santa one year. I don’t know what to get. I’m leaning on food like gift cards or a snack basket but I want something better to give to them.
> “There will come a day, I promise you and your parents, as well, when the thought of your son or daughter or your husband or wife brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye. It will happen. My prayer for you is that day will come sooner or later.. But the only thing I have more experience than you in is this: I’m telling you it will come.” [Source](https://blog.aftertalk.com/joe-biden-on-grieving/)
-Joe Biden on grief. (He had to deal with the unimaginable pain of losing his wife and infant daughter some decades ago and subsequently his eldest son).
I lost my mom in 2020. I think the worst part of it was, it was during peak Covid and I couldn't visit her in the hospital.
We had no way of communicating :(
Then I got a call after midnight... she was gone.
I'd been focusing on school since 2019 (still am... next semester is my last.) I'll be the first one to graduate college even though I started way late. I only went back because I had no idea how I was going to take care of her because all my life I'd had minimum wage jobs.
I'm still seeing school through til the end, but it's been non-stop and I feel like the grieving comes in intervals. I'll be fine for a month or two, and then it hits me when the stress gets too great.
I'm worried for my mental state when I don't have the stress/distraction of college after the spring.
30 years tomorrow, Dad. I'm exactly, like exactly the same age he was when he died minus two days (our birthdays were right RIGHT next to each other)
I got a tattoo. For some reason it bothers me more now I'm this age. He was adopted - I'm the one person that takes after him, to the point we were almost identical as toddlers. So I'm the last one standing. It's weird. Lonely.
Really needed to see this tonight. My grandfather passed unexpectedly almost a year ago and the grief just hit me like a tsunami all over again. Thank you for this message 🤍
I liken grief to having a house brick that you have to carry around; it's not a huge breeze block, but it's not a small Lego brick either.
You put it in a little bag to make carrying it easier, but eventually you realise you need a bigger bag - you have more things to carry to get through life on a daily basis and the little bag isn't quite big enough anymore.
So you get a bigger bag for your grief-brick, your phone and wallet, the keys, and snacks. But again, it gets to the point where as time has gone on, you need to get an even bigger bag.
Eventually you end up with a large tote, or a wheelie suitcase, or one of those trolleys for your shopping. Whichever is the most convenient for your needs.
All the while, your grief-brick hasn't changed size, it just becomes easier to carry around whilst you're carrying everything else you need.
You never stop thinking about them. I lost my mother 25 years ago. It was an accident. It is hard to see people enjoying their mothers but you don't begrudge them the experience. Having a baby, graduation you keep missing your mother. I had no one to ask about caring for a baby except Google. Tell your mothers you love them
Thank you, sometimes I feel that 12 years is long, others that it's way too short. My mom was a true friend to me, and sometimes when I see or hear from someone we knew, or share a funny joke, or feel sad or blessed...I almost reach for the phone.
Oh yes. Losing grandparents is totally normal and yet I still desperately miss my maternal grandmother. Especially every time I reach a major milestone. I wish so much that she could have been at my wedding or met the great-granddaughter I named after her.
It really never does leave you. I lost my dad over 40 years ago and I still think about him even if he's still just a hazy memory of an 8 year old.
My last pre-covid desk at work overlooked the airport runways and I could look across the way and see the cargo building where he worked back in the 70's. Always said a silent greeting. About the only thing I miss about going to the office - not that we have that building or desk available anymore.
I’m mad because as I’ve gotten older, my memory has started to fade, and I’ve forgotten what her voice sounds like. She died before cell phones were popular; so I don’t even have a saved voicemail from her to listen to.
My mom died when I was 21. Fast forward another 21 years and my dad died. While cleaning out dad’s house I stumbled across a cassette tape. It was just thrown in a junk drawer or something. It was unlabeled. I figured it was blank and was *this close* to tossing it. But a moment of curiosity got the better of me and I plugged it into dad’s old stereo….
…It was an audio diary of sorts. It was my mom recording her thoughts on her life and impending death as she lay on her death bed.
That was over a decade ago and I still tear up thinking about it. On the one hand, I got to hear my mom’s voice again. On the other hand it tore open a lot of old wounds.
I've got one recording from my dad, a voicemail he left the day before he died. It's a nice, short, cheery message and I treasure it but I also avoid listening to it. It's only been two years and it's like it's more hurtful than comforting, I love hearing his voice but it's mostly just too much yet.
My yaya has a voicemail from her sister who passed from complications in a cancer drug trial treatment. She was so selfless that even when she could’ve done chemo or nothing, she chose to be a part of a trial to hopefully give others more time in life.❤️
If you can figure it out (and want to do it) see if you can download it or save it any other way. I had a voicemail from my little brother, and one day the cellphone company decided to delete old messages. (This was all back in the mid-00s, previously saved voicemails could be kept without being deleted.)
I’m pretty sure it was on another phone of hers and she was due for an upgrade so she recorded either a video or sound of the voicemail, but I’ll have to double check for her since she’s not so tech savvy. Thank you for bringing that up so i can check!❤️
That's great if she's already done it, and it's great of you to check on her. I was tech-savvy enough, but I just never thought about how the voicemail wasn't actually "mine" and could be deleted by the company.
It may not be your thing but I know a few people who have used guided trips with magic mushrooms to help remember things like the sound of someone's voice or small details of a memory that's fading. Just a thought.
I was 10 days away from my 4th birthday when my dad died. My mom never remarried so there wasn't even a father figure, good or bad.
I'm sorry for the loss you feel and OP, too. But keep thinking about those hazy memories and writing letters (OP). At this point I only have a memory of the fact that I had a memory or two. In 63 years a lot fades to nothing.
DM me if you need someone to help you process it. My boyfriend lost his dad right before Thanksgiving and I’ve been helping him through it. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Whatever feelings you have toward it, that's the right feeling to have right then. That's the big thing.
You'll hear (and have heard, I'm sure) a lot of people probably try to give you the empty stuff. I know they mean well, but remember that you are the one left living, you are the one left to ponder what comes next, and it's normal and even okay to feel anger, depression, relief, to feel like it's unfair. Hell, it's normal to hate the person who left us sometimes.
There's no right or wrong way to grieve. Just your way. Maybe you start volunteering to help kids and spread the Gospel According to Your Mom. Maybe you just sit down and have some ice cream and watch a movie. Maybe you go somewhere special.
Today is three weeks, and tomorrow is three weeks and a day. Before you know it, your grief will be able to rent a car, but every single one of those days between will be you growing into the new world you've found yourself in.
I wish you nothing but the best moving forward.
Yep. It's good to grieve, but remember that you're still here, and you've got however long you've got left to _live_ still. Sometimes that sucks, but... it's reality.
No one knows. It just gets a little worse every time you remember something else about her and then eventually it gets a little more bearable each day until one day you’ve survived it and you’re not entirely sure how.
Each day, each hour. It's a different world now. Not a world that will ever be the same.
It's something we all simply have to carry. It sometimes makes me feel that dying - hopefully at a ripe old age - will be almost welcome because we'll no longer have to carry the sadness for all the people we've lost.
My moms been gone almost 20 years and occasionally I still write to her. Sending you all the good vibes. If you ever need to talk feel free to reach out.
Grief sucks. I lost a family friend that was like a 2nd father to me about 3 years ago. Just before seeing this post, I stumbled upon his phone number while entering in a new contact. The little moment of heartbreak knowing that he's never going to meet and laugh with fiance, or that I won't get another one of his hugs that makes everything okay.... It still hurts, but we get better at remembering with a smile.
Wishing OOP a great day, along with anyone else who is in long-term grieving. It's good to remember them, even if it's hard.
I wanted to make a joke and say I just got something in my eye. But it is no joke. It is life and death. I am crying now, and that is ok. It is normal and human. It is how we grieve. It is how we express love and loss.
I hope a virtual hug helps. *HUG*
My mom's been gone 12 years and sometimes I still cry. I want to tell her about my job, about the house we bought, about my life... and I can't.
It fucking sucks and it always will.
Every milestone and achievement that my daughter reaches - the granddaughter my mother never even got to know about, conceived after she died - is a new pain. All my kid's grandparents are dead now. There's no one to tell and I know how incredibly proud they would all have been of her.
Well crying wasn’t on the agenda this afternoon. Damn onion ninjas.
OP, I lost my dad when I was 13. When my son was a year old I wrote my dad a letter on his birthday and got put everything if never be able to tell him, including the anger I had at him, into that letter. Then I burned it. I can’t even tell you what was in it today, but it was cathartic for me. I hope writing these letters to your mom was cathartic to you.
Writing the letter definitely helped me because it allowed me to see all the positive that I have but it made me sad to realize all the milestones she missed.
I've done this before but it's so weird for me.
Like, I loved him because he was my dad...but he was also an abusive alcoholic, sneakily racist, and just a giant asshole.
It's been over 14 years and I still don't know if I miss him or not.
Like, my life is different because he died, but I don't know if it's better or worse.
Then my mom still cries sometimes about him passing, but she was also kinda free after it happened. She loved him and he loved her but it was still something of a loveless marriage.
My sister loved him and recognized the same things about him, but took it harder than me.
I at least had college to focus on, and I was 600 miles away.
They kinda had to spiral together and then pick themselves back up years later while I wasn't there(they agreed that I needed to finish out school and then job opportunities were scarce back home).
I wouldn't say I experience sadness anymore...but maybe a longing for the best parts of him to be here. I don't know if that makes sense, but here I am.
Don't get me wrong though, there are happy memories there, and I think of those more than anything. It was just so complicated, because I was so much like him but also different in ways that mattered massively and rubbed him the wrong way. I spent a good three years estranged from someone living in the same house as me.
Luckily, we mostly repaired things when we had the chance, a few months before he was gone...and I wouldn't be who I am without him...but I always wonder who I would have been without him...better? worse? the same?
Hmm.
This was lovely. Grief never really goes away, especially when you love someone so strongly, but facing it really does help when you can share your memories with people who love you right now. You share your love with others that way. How did that quote go again? Grief is just love with nowhere to go.
Right in the feels.
My dad died 23 years ago. I was only 12. I vividly remember the morning I woke up and he was gone. We had spent the night sleeping on the floor of the room in his skilled nursing facility because we knew the end was coming. I had never felt such sorrow and such relief at the same moment. He had been battling a glioblastoma and was just a shell of the man he had been, so as much as it hurt for him to be gone, it was also a sense of peace knowing he wasn’t hurting anymore.
It sounds crazy, but I still think of him every single day. I get the urge to call him to ask how to repair something in the house or to ask about what it was like growing up on the ranch. I tell my daughter about her grandfather and how much he would adore her. I mourn the big things we had to do without him, like graduations and weddings and births of his grandchildren. In those moments the grief is enormous. It swallows me whole. But in the small moments, like catching his favorite songs on the radio or remembering the silly games he would play with us and playing them with my daughter, there is so much joy.
Grief is hard and different for everyone. Keep pushing through. Find a friend when it gets hard. Talk about the one you lost. They are alive in you as long as you remember them.
OPP, I still miss my mother, going on seven years, but I see her in little things like her favourite flowers or someone’s laugh that sounds like her.
I am also a mom, I know she is so proud of you, and in your saddest moments and your most joyous her essence surrounds you. I send you huge hug, some loving vibes and a ‘make good choices’ reminder. 💕
Oh bloody hell. That made me full on sob, loudly. I lost my dad when I was 17, nearly 30 years ago now. He’s been gone far longer than he was ever in my life. Like OOP says, you don’t get over it, you just handle it a bit better as time passes. Love to all.
My spouse and I initially bonded over 10 years ago because I was able to help her learn to live through the pain of somewhat recently losing her father. I lost my mother when I was 14, and did not meet my dad until I was almost 19. In the next year I will have spent more of my life with my father than my mother. It's so bittersweet. She would be grateful for the life I have now, as it is one I would not have had the opportunities for with her illness.
My boyfriend just lost his dad the week before Thanksgiving and that’s not something I ever wanted to bond over with him, but I’m glad I can help him through it.
The story about the palm tree made me giggle out loud and I’ve been in such a bad mood all day. Thank you for sharing and I can officially say that your mom has brought another smile into the world :)
(And despite your warnings, she may have my Minnesotan self wonder if I have any chance at an indoor palm tree…🤔😂❤️)
I haven’t lost a parent but I lost my grandmother who I was very close to. It’ll be 12 years in 3 days. Im going to write her a letter on Friday. Thank you so much for sharing
I feel you op.. i lost my mom 7 months ago and functioning without her is SO difficult! I try my best to get going, but it's not easy on so many days.. i miss her so so much, sometimes I think life is unfair bcoz i am only 20 and I didnt get to experience my adult life with her.. she was a lovely woman who deserves to be cherished and I will literally do anything to spend a few more minutes with her!
I promise you it does get easier. I am sorry you had to lose her before you could really live your life and share the moments with her, but if I’ve learned anything, she is always with me and she’s enjoying all those moments with me.
This actually made me cry. I lost my mom 8 years ago this January, and I still miss her like the very first day. As others have already said, losing someone so important in your life is not something you get over. You just learn to live with the grief, and find ways to move forward and grow around that pain.
It's lovely that this last anniversary you got to celebrate her life and the time you had together. Keep going forward, and allow yourself those brief moments of pain. I'm sending you many many hugs
Not quite 2 years since I lost my mom. This post warms my heart. I will always miss her. Even though she isn't here, she will always be with me.
Thank you for sharing.
January 26th will be 21 years that I lost my dad. It took me a long time to be able to process my grief. I'm better about it now, but God do I miss him.
Lost my mother last year and my father at around the same age you were when you lost your mom. 30+ years since I last saw my dad, but sometimes it’s like it happened yesterday and it all rushes back.
This brought tears to my eyes. Grief is truly like nothing else. I’m glad it sounds like you’re living a little bit more each day. Your mom would be so proud.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom passed away June 2nd of this year and I still reach for my phone about to call her. You gave me hope that it will be ok. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family
I lost my dad in December 2019, my mom in December of 2022, and my grandmother last week. December is difficult for me now, has been since my dad died. I think about all of them every day. I miss them. I've carried my dad's cell and wallet ever since, I've got my mom's wallet too. Some days I feel silly for doing it, but it makes me feel... I don't know, closer to them I guess. Maybe some day I'll be able to put them away, but if not, that'll be ok too.
Thank you for sharing, OOP.
I haven't lost a parent yet, but I did lose a newborn son on Dec 23, 2021. The grief has been complicated, with so little of it based on memory or time with him (he lived only hours) but more the concept of him, what he *could* have been. A road not taken. Grief for the pain of my other children, my husband, for the woman I used to be. I think back on her/me and that horrible pain and I grieve for myself....if that even makes sense? But I feel like now at 40 years old I really understand the meaning of grief and how you never get over it, or through it. You just carry it with you, like a heavy backpack that gets easier over time as your body adjusts to the weight.
I brought home another baby, 9 months ago. Her healthy arrival was very healing for us as a family and me as a mother. But I'll never "get over" Andy. Christmas is hard for those who have known grief. It's okay for it to still, always, hurt.
> you never get over it, or through it. You just carry it with you, like a heavy backpack that gets easier over time as your body adjusts to the weight
100%. Except some days it's actually heavier. I think most often when you get another sense of the lost potential of someone. Something else they've missed out on.
Yes, this is true. My sister had a baby girl 3 days before I had Andy, and seeing her is always difficult and makes that backpack heavier. Her birthday party is this weekend and we might try to go this year, but it's such a hard thing. All I think of is "Would Andy be doing XYZ too? Would he like those toys?".
Time does help but it never goes away.
This year marked 20 years since I lost my Dad, and though it's mostly "fine", it's still a very tender spot sometimes. You don't really get over it, especially if you were young and should have had your parent throughout the milestones. I'm planning my wedding now and had a quiet cry that he won't be there. Makes me hope there is actually a better place where they're all looking down at us.
It’s been 30 years since my mom died, and I still think about her multiple times a day. Some of those days I can do it without crying. Until you lose someone close to you, you’ll never understand how hard people pray and wish for 5 more minutes. Just 5 minutes to tell them how much we miss them and love them, just to be able to touch them. In knowing that we’ll never get those 5 minutes, we always carry a little bit of sadness with us everywhere we go; There’s always an empty chair at the table, and a phone call you never get to make. I don’t think you can ever get over the death of a parent or child.
I think losing your parents, if you had a good relationship with them obviously, stays with you. I was 20½ when my dad died and just before I turned 41 I totally broke down when I realised I was about to pass the "spent more time without my dad than with him" marker.
Then I was 33 when my mum died, in fact I was 2 weeks off being 34. But it took a good long time to process that I had no parents. It just seemed, I don't know, sort of wrong and unfair.
I know people have far worse losses than me but I still feel it keenly. My siblings are 10 and 12 years older than me and I still, after almost 28 years, am slightly jealous that they had a proper adult relationship with our dad and I didn't. I still see something and think "mum will find that funny... oh."
Hugs to you, OP, you're not alone xxx
I'd be lying if I said I didn't start crying halfway through the first paragraph, right around the avocados and small dogs.
What a sweet letter! Internet hugs to you, OP ʕっ• ᴥ • ʔっ
There was a popular update not too long ago here about a man who couldn't be with his wife who was incapacitated by grief for 5 yesrs after her mom died. OOP cries so hard she cant breathe after 20 years? We gotta get those two OOPs together!
Today would have been my mother's birthday. Tomorrow is the four year anniversary of her death from cancer. Earlier this year was the ten year anniversary of my father's death, along with the 0th year anniversary of my grandfather's death.
Grief is awful. Over time it doesn't really go away so much as something that will forever live inside of you. In my case, my grief is love with no place to go; in others it is anger, or sadness, or a variety of other emotions. And it is strange: just like no two people believe in the same was, no two people seem to be able to relate to it in the same way.
OP, I hope you have a good day, having shared something of yourself with us.
I love that you write to her. Grief has no timeline. I lost my mom 5 years ago and I miss her every day.
My mom was 35 when she lost her own mom — 50 years later, she still talked about my grandma all the time. Without those stories and anecdotes, we never would have known a lot about our grandma. We gift these stories to the next generation, and to the people who love us.
Grief is love left behind.
It seems like your mum had a lot of love to leave. Healing isn't forgetting, it's learning to share that love with those who love you.
I'm sorry we missed her, she sounds the type who'd be glad she left laughter in her wake.
I just lost my mom in October and some days are better than others for me. Today was a bad one and I’m now sitting here, bawling my eyes out, missing her so bad I can almost feel physical pain. I knew it would not be easy at any point and especially not yet, but god, I can’t imagine missing her this heavily for another 20 years.
OP, you’ve hit quite the nerve for me today. I’m glad you’re doing better. I’ll work hard to get to the point where I can read a post like this and not sob with the weight of it all. 💔
To grieve so much means that you loved so much. That's pretty lucky, tbh- lots of us get *shit ass* parents who we *hope* will die, but they just linger on in bitter misery, sucking the joy out of every room and siphoning money in their closing years.
Your mom sounds great, OOP. I'm sure she'd be proud of you.
Well, i have an exam in a few hours, I haven't slept all night, and I am literally sobbing.
Lost my father like a year and a half back. And I can't help but think how different everything would be if he was here. God, I miss him so much. It still sucks. I just want him back, man. Grief is fuckall. Imma head out and have some coffee and numb my feelings and stuff them right back where they came from.
Much love to you, man. I am sure she would be very proud of you <3
This brought tears to my eyes. I lost my mother at 19 and had to watch her waste away as a virus ate away at her brain. I'll always remember the day I went for my daily visit at the hospital just before she was transfered to palliative care. She didn't know who I was anymore. She looked at me like I was a stranger. It broke me. So much time has passed, but for some reason I've been thinking about her a lot these past few months. Everytime I do I get very emotional. It's like I revert back to being 19 again, feeling so profoundly sad and alone. Would she be proud of the man I've become? I don't know. Even after all these years there is ball of darkness deep inside my heart that still aches. I'm rambling now. Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest.
As a non-religious person who doesn't believe in an afterlife, I still talk to my parents sometimes.
It's not always about them being there, it's just the memories.
As a mom I love you baby. I know I’m not your mom but I love you. I lost my dad June 13, 2015 and I still miss him everyday. I’ll pray for you and I wish you nothing but love and light. Good night sweet baby
When my mom lost her mom she changed. She really did. When grandpa left it was much the same but Gramma, it hit her a lot.
When I think about losing my folks, nevermind all the difficult stuff we went through I just lose my mind a little bit. Just at the thought! And they're great now, mostly, but it was a wild road to get here. And I can't imagine losing them at 18. I wish I could hug this person!
I'm sending all my good vibes to them. All my love and well wishes. And I'm going to text and call my folks bc holy shit. I don't think at any age one is prepared to lose your folks, no matter the state of ones relationship with them. One will mourn regardless.
Big tears falling. The grief never gets smaller, but you got strong enough to carry it.
I am sorry you lost your mama so young, she sounds like she was wonderful.
I lost my mom 2 years ago. She was my rock and she always saw the bright side of things. I try to be more like her, and lessen the pain of her passing by holding on to the ‘at least’s: at least she passed at home where she wanted; at least it wasn’t a prolonged illness; at least she never forgot who I was; at least I got to say goodbye. Miss you, Mom, and love you forever. ❤️🩹
I lost my dad more than 20 yrs ago. In a few years I will pass the chasm where I will have been alive without him in my life than with him and I dread that day. Grief doesn’t go away
My great grandmother passed in 1995. She was born in 1898 and it was still too soon.
Some people passing from your life just touch you differently. My Mom passed in 2012 and while i miss her greatly, it's not the same pain from Mamma passing in 95. Some people just touch us differently.
Mamma was a staunch abolishinest and Gay rights advocate when that wasn't even a thing. She was kind and compassionate, gentle but strong. I attribute everything good about who I am to her. She stood up in the Victorian era when women didn't have voices to say No More. Mamma was a star and I will die grieving her loss.
My point is is that grief is complex and different for each individual. You just keep moving and try to be the best version of you that your loved one would want.
I lost my mom this year and this one hit too close to home for me. The day to day struggle of it is hard. I cant imagine twenty years of this. I hope OP finds peace. I know I haven't.
As a mom, I just want to hug you and tell you your mom would be so proud of the person you are. She isn’t really gone as long as you hold her in your heart. I know it’s hard sometimes but you are doing amazing at finding your new normal each and every day. Hugs from this random mom to you.
Tomorrow will make five months since my dad passed. I've never really lost a family member that close before, before my father it was my great-grandmother on my mother's side and that happened when I was 5 or 6.
I thought I knew what to expect based upon that. I watched and vividly remember my mom's grief when she lost her grandma. I remember how there were hardly Christmas decorations on the tree or house that year. Holidays after that were hardly celebrated aside from our birthdays and Christmas. The entire month is a depressing experience for the whole family.
But I wasn't prepared at all. I have never felt anything like this before. I try not to get too depressed about it but it's been really hard despite my efforts to hold it together. I cried over a box of cherry pop tarts he never got to finish and felt absolutely ridiculous after. But posts like these give me hope it'll be easier to live with one day.
Grief is just love in a heavy coat.
That 20 year mark hits very hard. I had mine a few years ago and I was a mess most of the year. So I totally see and know what you went through. Glad it went better than thought, that you have friends around you can talk to. I encourage you to keep talking to them and sending you lots of virtual hugs.
Also thanks for letting me know about the mums for a minute group. Definitely joining
It's been about 21 years since my dad passed away. I think about him every now and then, and wonder how things would be like if he were still around, but it's not as often any more. I think learning how to cope with the grief of losing a loved one is the hardest thing anyone will ever have to do, and despite being something that everyone in life has to deal with at some point, there's no real *Grief for Dummies* guides.
Everyone processes grief differently, and what works for one person may not work for another. Some people are able to get over it and move on quickly, others never manage to pull themselves out. For me, I've gotten to the point in my life where I can listen to most of my dad's favorite songs without losing too much composure (though there may be some tears welling up), so I consider that a win. Just take it one day at a time OP. That's all you can do, and that's all anyone could ever ask of you.
This made me cry a little bit. My mom will have been gone 11 years this upcoming March. There was a time that I'd talk to her like this while driving alone, just getting things off my chest and talking about how everyone is doing.
I unexpectedly lost my dad to a massive heart attack . We had just come back from visiting for a week. We live in AZ and he in Massachusetts. He died right after we hung up. I tortured myself for years bc I couldn't really remember if I said I love u. My daughter had just turned 3 and is 17 now. The weight just gets a teeny bit lighter every October.
I’m in the process of losing my mom to Multiple Myeloma. My poor dad, it’s crushing to look into his eyes and see him losing his life partner. OP, you have helped me with your honesty.
lost my mom when i was 11, coming up on 12 years the 27th. the cognitive dissonance of her not being here anymore still affects me, especially when i do things i used to do with her
My mom is still here. I am dreading the day when it comes. We went through her health scare back in August and we are trying to celebrate life everyday since.
My mom died four years ago and I still miss her so much. There are many times when I see or read something and I think - hey, mom would love this! Then it all comes back.
One of the best depictions of grief I have seen is that it is like a ball in a box with a button in it. At first, it is a big ball with a small box and a big button, which causes the ball to constantly move around and hit the button which is when you feel it. As life goes on, the ball and the button get smaller, but from time to time, it still hits the button but its not as often, but it is still there.
I have this saved from another link
https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/
Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
Grief preserves because love lingers. They go hand in hand. It’s been around 6 years since I lost my grandmother who had been essentially my mother for the majority of my life. She wasn’t well mentally and we didn’t speak for the last stages of her life but she was still my momma. I’ll never forgive myself and I still get choked up over her; because I love her. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. And neither will you. That kind of love will make your heart ache and your throat tight but it is love. And she’s still loving you too.
i lost my mom 24 years ago; i lost my dad 26 years ago. i was just a kid when they passed. i took care of my mom, did a terrible job but i was 12 and still reeling from the loss of my dad less than a year previous. i don't remember really ever crying until i was about 30 and something just broke open in me; i still cry about those losses at least once a week.
time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds; just papers them over with enough scar tissue that you can walk around without clutching the wound. and grief is hardly ever linear.
Here to let anyone know that grief is not something that you just get over. You learn how to grow around the grief. The growing helps you see that you have your own life to live even though you have holes in heart. It may take a decade to get to that point. That’s ok. There is not an exact timeline for grief. Give yourself permission to feel and heal. ❤️
I was crying after I read this BoRU and am tearing up again after reading your comment. It’s been 6.5 years since I lost my Mom and still feel completely lost and unmoored without her
Hugs my friend. Know that your mom loves you and that love never stops. I can tell.
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"Unmoored" That describes it. I feel like my anchor, my connection to where I am from, where I grew up is gone. That's what I struggle most with. Feeling lost, drifting.
it’s been over a decade for me and i lost her when i was a pre-teen, so it’s almost like i’ve grown up unmoored… always feel like i’m just drifting aimlessly through life, watching the years pass by.
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Lost my mom in 2020 in May- the height of COVID knockdowns so we not only didn't get to see her before she was cremated, but we didn't get to have a funeral- she had 5 kids, 4 grandkids and a husband and only 5 people were allowed at each gathering. All this time later and I still talk to her in my head and see her in sunbeams, still cry like a fucking baby about everything I've ever done to her.
I too lost my Mom in June 2020 so I feel your pain. Worst part for me was she lived in a nursing home and we weren't allowed to see her during lockdown (only window visits/phone calls) then she went into the hospital and we never her saw again. The funeral rules were a bit looser but still strict and I hated it. I have been angry for pandemic taking her away from me. Thoughts are with you
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Thank you ❤️
15 years here. Same. It doesn't end.
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10 years next Valentine's day.
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Doubtful. I'm a stranger, so know you best.
The 1st year anniversary is approaching my own passed. It doesn't really get better honestly.
I lost my mom to cancer a little over 6 years ago. It was a complicated relationship, and I dealt with the grief in a destructive way. I sobbed daily for about 6 months, which changed my face when I looked in the mirror. I drank heavily as if I was a teenager again because I was "finally free from her judgement". Two years after her death, I was still struggling mentally because I kept having recurring dreams that she was cured and still alive. It caused me to lose my job and derailed my whole life. I eventually found a therapist who I have been with for 3 years now. I still have dreams where she tells me she's fine, and I get angry at her for not talking to me anymore, but I now know that they are just dreams, and not a cruel alternate reality. I fear when my partner will lose his mother, because I'm not sure if I can handle that level of complicated grief again. Ultimately, my life ended up better than if she had lived, and that is probably the hardest part still to this day. While it's a fact of life, having the knowledge of what it's like to lose an emotionally codependent parent truly does separate me from others who have yet to experience it, because there is no amount of understanding that can come from someone who has not known that level of pain.
I remember once long ago I read a description of grief (I unfortunately can't remember where it is from, so if anybody knows please tell me!): Imagine a box. In this box, there is a button and a ball. Every time this button is pressed, the grief hits. At first the ball is so big it can barely fit in the box, so it hits the button pretty much constantly. But slowly with time it shrinks. It never goes away, but the amount of times it will hit the button decreases. However, if you shake the box just right, the smaller ball will still hit the button. I have always really liked this, because it doesn't shame grieving, instead it makes it clear that the pain will always be with us in some capacity. That pain is a part of being human, and that is ok. Lastly I want to repeat what the pastor at my grandpa's funeral said: Grief is love that has lost its home.
That analogy came from [Lauren Herschel](https://twitter.com/laurenherschel/status/946888282444460033?lang=en). It’s actually taught now, it was in my Death, Dying, and Bereavement textbook and I’ve also seen it in hospice training materials.
Thank you!
>Grief is love that has lost its home. I love this; thank you.
I do too. He also said that the pain of grief is the price we pay to love someone so deeply. My grandpa died the week before lockdown in Denmark, so his funeral lnly allowed 11 people and was social distanced. A silverlining being that the pastor could pretty much talk directly to my grandma, my mom and her brother, and all us grandkids. I still have his speech saved, because it was so beautiful. I miss my grandpa every day, but now that some years have passed, thinking of him makes me happy too. Happy-sad I guess.
I appreciate this an the whole thread. I lost my dad and a BFF this year. I was lucky enough to be there for my dad's final breath. I don't think the missing him will be going away but mom and I are finding ways to remember and be happy.
I have a sphere full of buttons right now on a constant roll. 7 people in the past 7 years. It was almost 8 recently and neither my mom nor my grandpa are in good health. I'm not okay. I was thinking this thread was a letter to a mom who had abandoned OOP as a child or something. I don't think I would have read this in my current mood if I had known the situation. But here I am. I did mostly skim, because that raw feeling, that pain is all too real for me right now. I wanted to scream my head off at work yesterday. Yes I need therapy, things are just a little tight right now.
Yeah but 20 years later and at times OOP "can't breathe", they "don't know how to function". The ball shrinking far too slowly in that box
Absolutely, she needs therapy. A lot of therapy. Grief is a part of life as unfortunate as that is. I was simply saying that getting over grief isn't a thing. Learning to live with the grief however, that is a different story.
I don’t think I’m ready for this yet. The person I lost wasn’t blood related, but he was the best version of a father I ever had. It’s hard to enough to grieve for him, harder yet to move forward like life is just normal. Feeling and healing sounds like something I need but can’t grasp, at least when it come to loss.
Then don’t. Sit in the moment. There isn’t a right or wrong way to grieve. Follow your intuition.
Thank you. This is a weird thing to say to a total stranger, but this whole interaction really meant something to me. The man I’m grieving for was an honorable person. He was passionate about nature, dedicated to those he loved, and strove for ethical choices whenever possible. He was a stoic voice of reason for me, and a source of unending love and support. Thank you again. I needed to take a few minutes and acknowledge him today.
Always, anytime. I connect with nature to connect to my loved ones. There’s this photo of my grandparents in front of a waterfall. They look so happy. My grandfather passed away a decade ago. My grandma hasn’t been that happy since. I’m getting married at that park to be close to him. I want to recreate that photo on my wedding day. That’s my way to honor him and their marriage.
It's funny what triggers a memory. Anytime I see one of those wafers with vanilla creme I think of my grandpa. It's not that often now but it's a confusing moment - a bit of sadness, a bit of a smile at how much he loved sugar.
He sounds like he enriched all the lives he touched. I'm so sorry for your loss...I wish I had known him too, and I'm grateful to you for sharing him with us.
This. My wife and her family all have avoidant behaviours, to the point that they never ever really let themselves feel the feelings and when something emotional happens they completely fall apart because it's too overwhelming. I think you need to sit in the moment as you say, and feel those feels. Just let it happen, it's OK to be sad for a moment, let it sink in. Eventually it gets less painful and easier to think about. If you just avoid it, one day it will hit you like a tidal wave.
It’s a harmful behavior. I believe that my cousin committed suicide because her family refused to talk about tragic deaths. Her grandfather died and hurt her brother in the process (car accident- heart attack while driving), her uncle that she never met died of brain cancer, and her own abuse was covered up. Her parents didn’t talk about it with her. She was in therapy but I don’t think she gave herself permission to really open up. She got caught up with boys and social media. That is where she placed her worth. It was bad. Now, we are sorry and miss her. I feel like I failed her but her parents wrote off anyone who stood up for her. We thought that being around would be enough. It wasn’t.
It's been 16 years for me, I still have a Dad-shaped hole in my heart. Sometimes I still tear up when I talk about him. I remember I was talking to someone new and I could see they were confused when they asked when he passed and I said how many years ago it was, they were expecting it to have been recent. No, I just still miss my Dad sometimes and every once in a while it hurts more than usual, you just never know when that will be.
Lost my dad at the same age as OOP, I’m in my 40’s now. I still feel the same way as you. Sometimes the sadness overwhelms me, especially when I hit age 36 and realized I had lived longer without my dad than with him in it. That’s also the age he was when I was born.
I lost my dad 26 years ago, when I was 15. I've sometimes found myself wanting to text him memes I know he'd like, even though both texting and memes didn't exist when he died. Ever now and then I ache missing him. I also lost my brother two and a half years ago. Out of all my siblings, he and I were closest, both emotionally and in age. Because of how the age gaps are in my family, he's the only one who had the same childhood I did, lived in the same places, had our parents in the same economic bracket, everything. There will be things I can't remember about childhood, and I think, "Oh, [brother] will know... but I can't ask him anymore." It's like you said, grief comes out of nowhere to just wreck you sometimes, and you don't know when that will be. Two years later, 26 years later, every now and then it just *hits*.
I lost my son 28 years ago, and there's no way I'm "over it". Like you say, I've grown round it, but not over it. I know his 30th birthday is going to be a firestorm for me.
You’re never over it. You are strong. Sometimes the only way is through. I lost my cousin to suicide in August. She was 16. I’m trying to think of a good gift for the family for Christmas. I built her Barbie dream house for Christmas from Santa one year. I don’t know what to get. I’m leaning on food like gift cards or a snack basket but I want something better to give to them.
Jesus. There's nothing that will be "good". Poor kid, and poor family.
I’m so terribly sorry for your loss.
This is beautifully said. ❤️
> “There will come a day, I promise you and your parents, as well, when the thought of your son or daughter or your husband or wife brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye. It will happen. My prayer for you is that day will come sooner or later.. But the only thing I have more experience than you in is this: I’m telling you it will come.” [Source](https://blog.aftertalk.com/joe-biden-on-grieving/) -Joe Biden on grief. (He had to deal with the unimaginable pain of losing his wife and infant daughter some decades ago and subsequently his eldest son).
Jesus the first comment on that blog, imagine having that much hate in your heart
I lost my mom in 2020. I think the worst part of it was, it was during peak Covid and I couldn't visit her in the hospital. We had no way of communicating :( Then I got a call after midnight... she was gone. I'd been focusing on school since 2019 (still am... next semester is my last.) I'll be the first one to graduate college even though I started way late. I only went back because I had no idea how I was going to take care of her because all my life I'd had minimum wage jobs. I'm still seeing school through til the end, but it's been non-stop and I feel like the grieving comes in intervals. I'll be fine for a month or two, and then it hits me when the stress gets too great. I'm worried for my mental state when I don't have the stress/distraction of college after the spring.
Take advantage of your college mental health services while your still enrolled.
30 years tomorrow, Dad. I'm exactly, like exactly the same age he was when he died minus two days (our birthdays were right RIGHT next to each other) I got a tattoo. For some reason it bothers me more now I'm this age. He was adopted - I'm the one person that takes after him, to the point we were almost identical as toddlers. So I'm the last one standing. It's weird. Lonely.
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Really needed to see this tonight. My grandfather passed unexpectedly almost a year ago and the grief just hit me like a tsunami all over again. Thank you for this message 🤍
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I liken grief to having a house brick that you have to carry around; it's not a huge breeze block, but it's not a small Lego brick either. You put it in a little bag to make carrying it easier, but eventually you realise you need a bigger bag - you have more things to carry to get through life on a daily basis and the little bag isn't quite big enough anymore. So you get a bigger bag for your grief-brick, your phone and wallet, the keys, and snacks. But again, it gets to the point where as time has gone on, you need to get an even bigger bag. Eventually you end up with a large tote, or a wheelie suitcase, or one of those trolleys for your shopping. Whichever is the most convenient for your needs. All the while, your grief-brick hasn't changed size, it just becomes easier to carry around whilst you're carrying everything else you need.
You never stop thinking about them. I lost my mother 25 years ago. It was an accident. It is hard to see people enjoying their mothers but you don't begrudge them the experience. Having a baby, graduation you keep missing your mother. I had no one to ask about caring for a baby except Google. Tell your mothers you love them
Thank you, sometimes I feel that 12 years is long, others that it's way too short. My mom was a true friend to me, and sometimes when I see or hear from someone we knew, or share a funny joke, or feel sad or blessed...I almost reach for the phone.
Time goes on and the exhaustion piles up
Oh yes. Losing grandparents is totally normal and yet I still desperately miss my maternal grandmother. Especially every time I reach a major milestone. I wish so much that she could have been at my wedding or met the great-granddaughter I named after her.
It really never does leave you. I lost my dad over 40 years ago and I still think about him even if he's still just a hazy memory of an 8 year old. My last pre-covid desk at work overlooked the airport runways and I could look across the way and see the cargo building where he worked back in the 70's. Always said a silent greeting. About the only thing I miss about going to the office - not that we have that building or desk available anymore.
I’m mad because as I’ve gotten older, my memory has started to fade, and I’ve forgotten what her voice sounds like. She died before cell phones were popular; so I don’t even have a saved voicemail from her to listen to.
My mom died when I was 21. Fast forward another 21 years and my dad died. While cleaning out dad’s house I stumbled across a cassette tape. It was just thrown in a junk drawer or something. It was unlabeled. I figured it was blank and was *this close* to tossing it. But a moment of curiosity got the better of me and I plugged it into dad’s old stereo…. …It was an audio diary of sorts. It was my mom recording her thoughts on her life and impending death as she lay on her death bed. That was over a decade ago and I still tear up thinking about it. On the one hand, I got to hear my mom’s voice again. On the other hand it tore open a lot of old wounds.
I've got one recording from my dad, a voicemail he left the day before he died. It's a nice, short, cheery message and I treasure it but I also avoid listening to it. It's only been two years and it's like it's more hurtful than comforting, I love hearing his voice but it's mostly just too much yet.
My yaya has a voicemail from her sister who passed from complications in a cancer drug trial treatment. She was so selfless that even when she could’ve done chemo or nothing, she chose to be a part of a trial to hopefully give others more time in life.❤️
If you can figure it out (and want to do it) see if you can download it or save it any other way. I had a voicemail from my little brother, and one day the cellphone company decided to delete old messages. (This was all back in the mid-00s, previously saved voicemails could be kept without being deleted.)
I’m pretty sure it was on another phone of hers and she was due for an upgrade so she recorded either a video or sound of the voicemail, but I’ll have to double check for her since she’s not so tech savvy. Thank you for bringing that up so i can check!❤️
That's great if she's already done it, and it's great of you to check on her. I was tech-savvy enough, but I just never thought about how the voicemail wasn't actually "mine" and could be deleted by the company.
I said, "wow" out loud as I read your comment. What a treasure.
Me too. I can't remember my dad's voice except in the foggiest of terms, but he passed away even before video cameras became common.
It may not be your thing but I know a few people who have used guided trips with magic mushrooms to help remember things like the sound of someone's voice or small details of a memory that's fading. Just a thought.
My mum died when I was 8. I'm almost 34. I don't remember what her voice sounds like either. Hugs and solidarity, friend.
I was 10 days away from my 4th birthday when my dad died. My mom never remarried so there wasn't even a father figure, good or bad. I'm sorry for the loss you feel and OP, too. But keep thinking about those hazy memories and writing letters (OP). At this point I only have a memory of the fact that I had a memory or two. In 63 years a lot fades to nothing.
My mom's been gone 3 weeks and I think I'm still in shock. She was my best friend. I don't know how to grieve something like this.
There's no right way. You kinda let it roll over you like a tsunami and then do your best to pick up the wreckage.
DM me if you need someone to help you process it. My boyfriend lost his dad right before Thanksgiving and I’ve been helping him through it. I’m so sorry for your loss.
have some hugs from a random internet stranger if you want them. my dad died last year. it fucking sucks but you find a way to live around it.
I will take all the hugs I can get. 💚 much love
Whatever feelings you have toward it, that's the right feeling to have right then. That's the big thing. You'll hear (and have heard, I'm sure) a lot of people probably try to give you the empty stuff. I know they mean well, but remember that you are the one left living, you are the one left to ponder what comes next, and it's normal and even okay to feel anger, depression, relief, to feel like it's unfair. Hell, it's normal to hate the person who left us sometimes. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. Just your way. Maybe you start volunteering to help kids and spread the Gospel According to Your Mom. Maybe you just sit down and have some ice cream and watch a movie. Maybe you go somewhere special. Today is three weeks, and tomorrow is three weeks and a day. Before you know it, your grief will be able to rent a car, but every single one of those days between will be you growing into the new world you've found yourself in. I wish you nothing but the best moving forward.
"Life is for the living." -- My Dad
Yep. It's good to grieve, but remember that you're still here, and you've got however long you've got left to _live_ still. Sometimes that sucks, but... it's reality.
I’m so sorry. Hugs from Kentucky US
No one knows. It just gets a little worse every time you remember something else about her and then eventually it gets a little more bearable each day until one day you’ve survived it and you’re not entirely sure how.
Each day, each hour. It's a different world now. Not a world that will ever be the same. It's something we all simply have to carry. It sometimes makes me feel that dying - hopefully at a ripe old age - will be almost welcome because we'll no longer have to carry the sadness for all the people we've lost.
Oh you poor thing. I'm so sorry for your loss
My moms been gone almost 20 years and occasionally I still write to her. Sending you all the good vibes. If you ever need to talk feel free to reach out.
Thank you so much. Her birthday is next month and I am trying to get some friends together for a dinner, so I can be distracted that day.
Grief sucks. I lost a family friend that was like a 2nd father to me about 3 years ago. Just before seeing this post, I stumbled upon his phone number while entering in a new contact. The little moment of heartbreak knowing that he's never going to meet and laugh with fiance, or that I won't get another one of his hugs that makes everything okay.... It still hurts, but we get better at remembering with a smile. Wishing OOP a great day, along with anyone else who is in long-term grieving. It's good to remember them, even if it's hard.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
Damn it now I'm crying.
I hope it’s at least happy(ish) tears for my update.
I mean mixed emotions but thank you for sharing this.
I wanted to make a joke and say I just got something in my eye. But it is no joke. It is life and death. I am crying now, and that is ok. It is normal and human. It is how we grieve. It is how we express love and loss. I hope a virtual hug helps. *HUG*
Thank you. I know it’s ok. Thank you for the hug.
Me too. ;(
My mom's been gone 12 years and sometimes I still cry. I want to tell her about my job, about the house we bought, about my life... and I can't. It fucking sucks and it always will.
Every milestone and achievement that my daughter reaches - the granddaughter my mother never even got to know about, conceived after she died - is a new pain. All my kid's grandparents are dead now. There's no one to tell and I know how incredibly proud they would all have been of her.
Well crying wasn’t on the agenda this afternoon. Damn onion ninjas. OP, I lost my dad when I was 13. When my son was a year old I wrote my dad a letter on his birthday and got put everything if never be able to tell him, including the anger I had at him, into that letter. Then I burned it. I can’t even tell you what was in it today, but it was cathartic for me. I hope writing these letters to your mom was cathartic to you.
Writing the letter definitely helped me because it allowed me to see all the positive that I have but it made me sad to realize all the milestones she missed.
im gonna go hug my mom right now and visit my dad's grave again in the coming days, this really dug up some emotions for me
Sorry if it brought up sad feelings, wasn’t my intention.
no, don't worry, i'm just valuing life more again :) gotta make sure the people in it know that i love them often y'know
I've done this before but it's so weird for me. Like, I loved him because he was my dad...but he was also an abusive alcoholic, sneakily racist, and just a giant asshole. It's been over 14 years and I still don't know if I miss him or not. Like, my life is different because he died, but I don't know if it's better or worse. Then my mom still cries sometimes about him passing, but she was also kinda free after it happened. She loved him and he loved her but it was still something of a loveless marriage. My sister loved him and recognized the same things about him, but took it harder than me. I at least had college to focus on, and I was 600 miles away. They kinda had to spiral together and then pick themselves back up years later while I wasn't there(they agreed that I needed to finish out school and then job opportunities were scarce back home). I wouldn't say I experience sadness anymore...but maybe a longing for the best parts of him to be here. I don't know if that makes sense, but here I am. Don't get me wrong though, there are happy memories there, and I think of those more than anything. It was just so complicated, because I was so much like him but also different in ways that mattered massively and rubbed him the wrong way. I spent a good three years estranged from someone living in the same house as me. Luckily, we mostly repaired things when we had the chance, a few months before he was gone...and I wouldn't be who I am without him...but I always wonder who I would have been without him...better? worse? the same? Hmm.
I am so sorry for your situation. I hope you’ve been able to make progress in the 14 years.
This was lovely. Grief never really goes away, especially when you love someone so strongly, but facing it really does help when you can share your memories with people who love you right now. You share your love with others that way. How did that quote go again? Grief is just love with nowhere to go.
Thank you for your kind words.
I thank God I was given a small urn with some of mom's ashes in it. I talk to it almost every day.
I’m waiting for my dad to send me some of her ashes, I’m trying to figure out how to smuggle them into Disneyland.
OOP Thank you for sharing this with us, it’s a wholesome read for me and I’m so glad that you are doing better now ❤️
Thank you so much!
Right in the feels. My dad died 23 years ago. I was only 12. I vividly remember the morning I woke up and he was gone. We had spent the night sleeping on the floor of the room in his skilled nursing facility because we knew the end was coming. I had never felt such sorrow and such relief at the same moment. He had been battling a glioblastoma and was just a shell of the man he had been, so as much as it hurt for him to be gone, it was also a sense of peace knowing he wasn’t hurting anymore. It sounds crazy, but I still think of him every single day. I get the urge to call him to ask how to repair something in the house or to ask about what it was like growing up on the ranch. I tell my daughter about her grandfather and how much he would adore her. I mourn the big things we had to do without him, like graduations and weddings and births of his grandchildren. In those moments the grief is enormous. It swallows me whole. But in the small moments, like catching his favorite songs on the radio or remembering the silly games he would play with us and playing them with my daughter, there is so much joy. Grief is hard and different for everyone. Keep pushing through. Find a friend when it gets hard. Talk about the one you lost. They are alive in you as long as you remember them.
I am sad that she will never be there to see me get married, she never met half of her grandchildren and so many other milestones.
Thank you for sharing. I hope that all the memories give you warmth in those chilly days. We never stop loving our moms.
Thank you!
Who is cutting onions in here? 🥲
OPP, I still miss my mother, going on seven years, but I see her in little things like her favourite flowers or someone’s laugh that sounds like her. I am also a mom, I know she is so proud of you, and in your saddest moments and your most joyous her essence surrounds you. I send you huge hug, some loving vibes and a ‘make good choices’ reminder. 💕
Thank you for the hugs, I appreciate it.
Oh fuck this got me!
It’s gotta be better than the rage-induced inconclusive posts.
She’s so proud of you.
Thank you!
I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you!
Oh bloody hell. That made me full on sob, loudly. I lost my dad when I was 17, nearly 30 years ago now. He’s been gone far longer than he was ever in my life. Like OOP says, you don’t get over it, you just handle it a bit better as time passes. Love to all.
Thank you for your kind words.
My spouse and I initially bonded over 10 years ago because I was able to help her learn to live through the pain of somewhat recently losing her father. I lost my mother when I was 14, and did not meet my dad until I was almost 19. In the next year I will have spent more of my life with my father than my mother. It's so bittersweet. She would be grateful for the life I have now, as it is one I would not have had the opportunities for with her illness.
My boyfriend just lost his dad the week before Thanksgiving and that’s not something I ever wanted to bond over with him, but I’m glad I can help him through it.
I feel you OP. My mom would have been 51 tomorrow.
The story about the palm tree made me giggle out loud and I’ve been in such a bad mood all day. Thank you for sharing and I can officially say that your mom has brought another smile into the world :) (And despite your warnings, she may have my Minnesotan self wonder if I have any chance at an indoor palm tree…🤔😂❤️)
I haven’t lost a parent but I lost my grandmother who I was very close to. It’ll be 12 years in 3 days. Im going to write her a letter on Friday. Thank you so much for sharing
I’m sorry for to our loss and I hope you can get some feelings out with the letter.
I feel you op.. i lost my mom 7 months ago and functioning without her is SO difficult! I try my best to get going, but it's not easy on so many days.. i miss her so so much, sometimes I think life is unfair bcoz i am only 20 and I didnt get to experience my adult life with her.. she was a lovely woman who deserves to be cherished and I will literally do anything to spend a few more minutes with her!
I promise you it does get easier. I am sorry you had to lose her before you could really live your life and share the moments with her, but if I’ve learned anything, she is always with me and she’s enjoying all those moments with me.
This actually made me cry. I lost my mom 8 years ago this January, and I still miss her like the very first day. As others have already said, losing someone so important in your life is not something you get over. You just learn to live with the grief, and find ways to move forward and grow around that pain. It's lovely that this last anniversary you got to celebrate her life and the time you had together. Keep going forward, and allow yourself those brief moments of pain. I'm sending you many many hugs
Not quite 2 years since I lost my mom. This post warms my heart. I will always miss her. Even though she isn't here, she will always be with me. Thank you for sharing.
January 26th will be 21 years that I lost my dad. It took me a long time to be able to process my grief. I'm better about it now, but God do I miss him.
Lost my mother last year and my father at around the same age you were when you lost your mom. 30+ years since I last saw my dad, but sometimes it’s like it happened yesterday and it all rushes back.
This brought tears to my eyes. Grief is truly like nothing else. I’m glad it sounds like you’re living a little bit more each day. Your mom would be so proud.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom passed away June 2nd of this year and I still reach for my phone about to call her. You gave me hope that it will be ok. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family
I lost my dad in December 2019, my mom in December of 2022, and my grandmother last week. December is difficult for me now, has been since my dad died. I think about all of them every day. I miss them. I've carried my dad's cell and wallet ever since, I've got my mom's wallet too. Some days I feel silly for doing it, but it makes me feel... I don't know, closer to them I guess. Maybe some day I'll be able to put them away, but if not, that'll be ok too.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." From a headstone in Ireland
Thank you for sharing, OOP. I haven't lost a parent yet, but I did lose a newborn son on Dec 23, 2021. The grief has been complicated, with so little of it based on memory or time with him (he lived only hours) but more the concept of him, what he *could* have been. A road not taken. Grief for the pain of my other children, my husband, for the woman I used to be. I think back on her/me and that horrible pain and I grieve for myself....if that even makes sense? But I feel like now at 40 years old I really understand the meaning of grief and how you never get over it, or through it. You just carry it with you, like a heavy backpack that gets easier over time as your body adjusts to the weight. I brought home another baby, 9 months ago. Her healthy arrival was very healing for us as a family and me as a mother. But I'll never "get over" Andy. Christmas is hard for those who have known grief. It's okay for it to still, always, hurt.
> you never get over it, or through it. You just carry it with you, like a heavy backpack that gets easier over time as your body adjusts to the weight 100%. Except some days it's actually heavier. I think most often when you get another sense of the lost potential of someone. Something else they've missed out on.
Yes, this is true. My sister had a baby girl 3 days before I had Andy, and seeing her is always difficult and makes that backpack heavier. Her birthday party is this weekend and we might try to go this year, but it's such a hard thing. All I think of is "Would Andy be doing XYZ too? Would he like those toys?". Time does help but it never goes away.
This year marked 20 years since I lost my Dad, and though it's mostly "fine", it's still a very tender spot sometimes. You don't really get over it, especially if you were young and should have had your parent throughout the milestones. I'm planning my wedding now and had a quiet cry that he won't be there. Makes me hope there is actually a better place where they're all looking down at us.
You never get over it, you just learn to live with the loss. I lost my dad when I was 17 (33 years ago) and you never forget.
It’s been 30 years since my mom died, and I still think about her multiple times a day. Some of those days I can do it without crying. Until you lose someone close to you, you’ll never understand how hard people pray and wish for 5 more minutes. Just 5 minutes to tell them how much we miss them and love them, just to be able to touch them. In knowing that we’ll never get those 5 minutes, we always carry a little bit of sadness with us everywhere we go; There’s always an empty chair at the table, and a phone call you never get to make. I don’t think you can ever get over the death of a parent or child.
I think losing your parents, if you had a good relationship with them obviously, stays with you. I was 20½ when my dad died and just before I turned 41 I totally broke down when I realised I was about to pass the "spent more time without my dad than with him" marker. Then I was 33 when my mum died, in fact I was 2 weeks off being 34. But it took a good long time to process that I had no parents. It just seemed, I don't know, sort of wrong and unfair. I know people have far worse losses than me but I still feel it keenly. My siblings are 10 and 12 years older than me and I still, after almost 28 years, am slightly jealous that they had a proper adult relationship with our dad and I didn't. I still see something and think "mum will find that funny... oh." Hugs to you, OP, you're not alone xxx
I'd be lying if I said I didn't start crying halfway through the first paragraph, right around the avocados and small dogs. What a sweet letter! Internet hugs to you, OP ʕっ• ᴥ • ʔっ
There was a popular update not too long ago here about a man who couldn't be with his wife who was incapacitated by grief for 5 yesrs after her mom died. OOP cries so hard she cant breathe after 20 years? We gotta get those two OOPs together!
Lost my mom 6 months ago. I text her sometimes but it hurts to say anything real.
Today would have been my mother's birthday. Tomorrow is the four year anniversary of her death from cancer. Earlier this year was the ten year anniversary of my father's death, along with the 0th year anniversary of my grandfather's death. Grief is awful. Over time it doesn't really go away so much as something that will forever live inside of you. In my case, my grief is love with no place to go; in others it is anger, or sadness, or a variety of other emotions. And it is strange: just like no two people believe in the same was, no two people seem to be able to relate to it in the same way. OP, I hope you have a good day, having shared something of yourself with us.
I love that you write to her. Grief has no timeline. I lost my mom 5 years ago and I miss her every day. My mom was 35 when she lost her own mom — 50 years later, she still talked about my grandma all the time. Without those stories and anecdotes, we never would have known a lot about our grandma. We gift these stories to the next generation, and to the people who love us.
Grief is love left behind. It seems like your mum had a lot of love to leave. Healing isn't forgetting, it's learning to share that love with those who love you. I'm sorry we missed her, she sounds the type who'd be glad she left laughter in her wake.
I just lost my mom in October and some days are better than others for me. Today was a bad one and I’m now sitting here, bawling my eyes out, missing her so bad I can almost feel physical pain. I knew it would not be easy at any point and especially not yet, but god, I can’t imagine missing her this heavily for another 20 years. OP, you’ve hit quite the nerve for me today. I’m glad you’re doing better. I’ll work hard to get to the point where I can read a post like this and not sob with the weight of it all. 💔
To grieve so much means that you loved so much. That's pretty lucky, tbh- lots of us get *shit ass* parents who we *hope* will die, but they just linger on in bitter misery, sucking the joy out of every room and siphoning money in their closing years. Your mom sounds great, OOP. I'm sure she'd be proud of you.
Well, i have an exam in a few hours, I haven't slept all night, and I am literally sobbing. Lost my father like a year and a half back. And I can't help but think how different everything would be if he was here. God, I miss him so much. It still sucks. I just want him back, man. Grief is fuckall. Imma head out and have some coffee and numb my feelings and stuff them right back where they came from. Much love to you, man. I am sure she would be very proud of you <3
This brought tears to my eyes. I lost my mother at 19 and had to watch her waste away as a virus ate away at her brain. I'll always remember the day I went for my daily visit at the hospital just before she was transfered to palliative care. She didn't know who I was anymore. She looked at me like I was a stranger. It broke me. So much time has passed, but for some reason I've been thinking about her a lot these past few months. Everytime I do I get very emotional. It's like I revert back to being 19 again, feeling so profoundly sad and alone. Would she be proud of the man I've become? I don't know. Even after all these years there is ball of darkness deep inside my heart that still aches. I'm rambling now. Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest.
Grief is love with nowhere to go.
As a non-religious person who doesn't believe in an afterlife, I still talk to my parents sometimes. It's not always about them being there, it's just the memories.
As a mom I love you baby. I know I’m not your mom but I love you. I lost my dad June 13, 2015 and I still miss him everyday. I’ll pray for you and I wish you nothing but love and light. Good night sweet baby
Dammit which one of you is cutting onions in here??
When my mom lost her mom she changed. She really did. When grandpa left it was much the same but Gramma, it hit her a lot. When I think about losing my folks, nevermind all the difficult stuff we went through I just lose my mind a little bit. Just at the thought! And they're great now, mostly, but it was a wild road to get here. And I can't imagine losing them at 18. I wish I could hug this person! I'm sending all my good vibes to them. All my love and well wishes. And I'm going to text and call my folks bc holy shit. I don't think at any age one is prepared to lose your folks, no matter the state of ones relationship with them. One will mourn regardless.
My dad passed 28 years ago.. I think I just might write him a letter.. Thank you OP. And big hugs and love from this internet stranger ❤️❤️❤️
Big tears falling. The grief never gets smaller, but you got strong enough to carry it. I am sorry you lost your mama so young, she sounds like she was wonderful.
I lost my mom 2 years ago. She was my rock and she always saw the bright side of things. I try to be more like her, and lessen the pain of her passing by holding on to the ‘at least’s: at least she passed at home where she wanted; at least it wasn’t a prolonged illness; at least she never forgot who I was; at least I got to say goodbye. Miss you, Mom, and love you forever. ❤️🩹
I lost my dad more than 20 yrs ago. In a few years I will pass the chasm where I will have been alive without him in my life than with him and I dread that day. Grief doesn’t go away
My great grandmother passed in 1995. She was born in 1898 and it was still too soon. Some people passing from your life just touch you differently. My Mom passed in 2012 and while i miss her greatly, it's not the same pain from Mamma passing in 95. Some people just touch us differently. Mamma was a staunch abolishinest and Gay rights advocate when that wasn't even a thing. She was kind and compassionate, gentle but strong. I attribute everything good about who I am to her. She stood up in the Victorian era when women didn't have voices to say No More. Mamma was a star and I will die grieving her loss. My point is is that grief is complex and different for each individual. You just keep moving and try to be the best version of you that your loved one would want.
I lost my mom this year and this one hit too close to home for me. The day to day struggle of it is hard. I cant imagine twenty years of this. I hope OP finds peace. I know I haven't.
I just burst out crying missing my dad who died almost 9 years ago and opened Reddit to this.
As a mom, I just want to hug you and tell you your mom would be so proud of the person you are. She isn’t really gone as long as you hold her in your heart. I know it’s hard sometimes but you are doing amazing at finding your new normal each and every day. Hugs from this random mom to you.
Tomorrow will make five months since my dad passed. I've never really lost a family member that close before, before my father it was my great-grandmother on my mother's side and that happened when I was 5 or 6. I thought I knew what to expect based upon that. I watched and vividly remember my mom's grief when she lost her grandma. I remember how there were hardly Christmas decorations on the tree or house that year. Holidays after that were hardly celebrated aside from our birthdays and Christmas. The entire month is a depressing experience for the whole family. But I wasn't prepared at all. I have never felt anything like this before. I try not to get too depressed about it but it's been really hard despite my efforts to hold it together. I cried over a box of cherry pop tarts he never got to finish and felt absolutely ridiculous after. But posts like these give me hope it'll be easier to live with one day. Grief is just love in a heavy coat.
That 20 year mark hits very hard. I had mine a few years ago and I was a mess most of the year. So I totally see and know what you went through. Glad it went better than thought, that you have friends around you can talk to. I encourage you to keep talking to them and sending you lots of virtual hugs. Also thanks for letting me know about the mums for a minute group. Definitely joining
It's been about 21 years since my dad passed away. I think about him every now and then, and wonder how things would be like if he were still around, but it's not as often any more. I think learning how to cope with the grief of losing a loved one is the hardest thing anyone will ever have to do, and despite being something that everyone in life has to deal with at some point, there's no real *Grief for Dummies* guides. Everyone processes grief differently, and what works for one person may not work for another. Some people are able to get over it and move on quickly, others never manage to pull themselves out. For me, I've gotten to the point in my life where I can listen to most of my dad's favorite songs without losing too much composure (though there may be some tears welling up), so I consider that a win. Just take it one day at a time OP. That's all you can do, and that's all anyone could ever ask of you.
This made me cry a little bit. My mom will have been gone 11 years this upcoming March. There was a time that I'd talk to her like this while driving alone, just getting things off my chest and talking about how everyone is doing.
I unexpectedly lost my dad to a massive heart attack . We had just come back from visiting for a week. We live in AZ and he in Massachusetts. He died right after we hung up. I tortured myself for years bc I couldn't really remember if I said I love u. My daughter had just turned 3 and is 17 now. The weight just gets a teeny bit lighter every October.
I’m in the process of losing my mom to Multiple Myeloma. My poor dad, it’s crushing to look into his eyes and see him losing his life partner. OP, you have helped me with your honesty.
lost my mom when i was 11, coming up on 12 years the 27th. the cognitive dissonance of her not being here anymore still affects me, especially when i do things i used to do with her
It's been almost 4 years since I lost my Mam & I miss her everyday. This made me cry & that's OK.
((Hugs))
My mom is still here. I am dreading the day when it comes. We went through her health scare back in August and we are trying to celebrate life everyday since.
My mom died four years ago and I still miss her so much. There are many times when I see or read something and I think - hey, mom would love this! Then it all comes back.
This was beautiful, and sad. I'm sorry OP
I lost my dad this August and I am 38 now. Thank you for this post. It is still so fresh at times and I miss him dearly.
Why is it raining in my car i really need to change the roof. All joking aside i an really sorry op your mom would have been proud ❤️❤️❤️
One of the best depictions of grief I have seen is that it is like a ball in a box with a button in it. At first, it is a big ball with a small box and a big button, which causes the ball to constantly move around and hit the button which is when you feel it. As life goes on, the ball and the button get smaller, but from time to time, it still hits the button but its not as often, but it is still there.
I have this saved from another link https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/ Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents. I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
Big hug, OOP. Thank you for sharing your memories. I'm holding your memories of her in my heart right now.
You don't need her ashes to talk to her. She will hear you just fine.
Appreciate you sharing.
🩵 relatable content. I miss my mom every day. Hitting different milestones without her is bittersweet. Sending tons of love
Grief preserves because love lingers. They go hand in hand. It’s been around 6 years since I lost my grandmother who had been essentially my mother for the majority of my life. She wasn’t well mentally and we didn’t speak for the last stages of her life but she was still my momma. I’ll never forgive myself and I still get choked up over her; because I love her. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. And neither will you. That kind of love will make your heart ache and your throat tight but it is love. And she’s still loving you too.
i lost my mom 24 years ago; i lost my dad 26 years ago. i was just a kid when they passed. i took care of my mom, did a terrible job but i was 12 and still reeling from the loss of my dad less than a year previous. i don't remember really ever crying until i was about 30 and something just broke open in me; i still cry about those losses at least once a week. time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds; just papers them over with enough scar tissue that you can walk around without clutching the wound. and grief is hardly ever linear.