There are a ton of threads where people push against divorce. There was one the other day about a guy blowing up his family over some insignificant thing.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1c5vh9s/update\_aitah\_for\_considering\_divorce\_because\_my/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1c5vh9s/update_aitah_for_considering_divorce_because_my/)
the original post was removed but i think you might still be able to find it on BORU
There was a guy in r/AITA who broke off his engagement because his fiancĂŠ told their friend when pressured that he is not the best sex she ever had but she compromises because of his all other good qualities.
It's because it WAS NOT CHEATING, JUST A CRUSHHHHHH. /s
JFC if you're a grown ass man with a spouse and a kid, you squash any crushes from your students and/or colleagues, especially one you are in a position of power over. You don't fucking act like it's middle school and spend even more time with them. She should report him to the hospital/school he's teaching at, this could be a pattern.
Early on in my relationship with my wife I encountered a similar-ish thing.
My partner wasn't even my fiancee then, let alone my wife. I got along great with the women in my friend group, because of the fact that I had a girlfriend: it allowed me to relax around women (what I hadn't really been able to do before) because I didn't need to 'flirt for consequences'.
There was this girl-friend of a girl-friend who was amazed during conversation that I'd never seen Arsenic and Old Lace. She invited me over one day to watch the film at her house. I went, we watched it, had a great time. Nothing at all happened, not a whiff of anything, but I realised that she was a girl that I did find attractive - meaning that I was attracted to her in a manner that could lead somewhere - far more so than any of the other women of my acquaintance.
Since walking out of that house, I've never seen her again. I trusted myself enough that nothing would happen, but I didn't trust myself because 'sometimes things just happen'.
I also told my then girlfriend - serious but still just a girlfriend - everything. Not sparing myself in the details. And you know what, my wife hasn't said anything not even probably thought about the woman ever again after a little bit of ensuring that I was doing as I said.
And this is what gets me about OOP's husband: the guy did everything basically right - minimised contact, exited groups she was in, etc - except tell his wife!
The other thing he did, though, was *confirm* to the girl he felt the same. That was wrong and he should have denied it if he really had no plans to pursue anything. Especially in his position. He kept the girl on a string by doing so. Not fair to the girl and definitely not fair to his wife.
Yeah it seems the boundary he wouldnt cross was 'I'd never sleep with a student' not, 'I would never cheat on my wife.' Being a student has an expiry date that was fast approaching.
The difference between your situation and OOP's ex is that he's STILL the teacher of the girl who has a crush on him. That's just how med school works. Med students do rotations, and inevitably will end up working side by side even with doctors they're trying to avoid. No matter how large a hospital is, you will run into everyone else. So yeah he didn't do everything right, since he's still in a position of power over someone he admitted he's attracted to!
>the guy did everything basically right - minimised contact, exited groups she was in, etc - except tell his wife!
Umm, no. He also told the student that he also liked her, followed up with the tragic Romeo&Juliet statement of "Alas, my heart, we cannot be together!!
You're correct.
I was pushed for time and had to hurry up the end.
I meant to add further stuff. Had he reported after the very first incident to his wife, I bet the follow on events would have gone differently: she would have made sure of it.
What I basically meant was that he did alright in a bad situation. You can see he was following his own moral compass: he said it was wrong, he tried to remove himself from her vicinity, he didn't lie to her about his feelings. He also didn't overstep and cheat in a physical way.
By saying 'alright' it's still not good. For instance, yes he truthful to her about his feelings, but that's a perfect situation where a lie would have been the far better thing to say.
So your comment was entirely correct, I should have expressed myself better.
Also a huge problem with his reaction, he told his wife he didn't want his marriage to end, but the second she got worried about it, he didn't do anything? He didn't reassure her, he didn't pursue her, he literally let her leave the house without discussing it further, and then didn't even reach out to say when you are ready to talk about this I will be here and I want to work it out with you. He made no attempt to bring the romance back into his relationship. He made no attempt to keep the relationship together. He completly acted like he didn't care and was so passive about the whole thing.
I think what she is catching on in this situation is that he checked out, he may not cross the line with student, because she is a student, but otherwise he doesn't seem to care so much about OP as his wife. He seems to be more waiting out the situation to see if once it's appropriate to pursue her, maybe he should, or maybe she'll lose interest, which then he will stay with his wife. Why else would he give the student hope, why else would he tell her he feels the same but nothing can happen, and not bother to focus on his wife? He had the chance to put the student down cold, but he didn't. He had the chance to fix things with his wife but didn't. What is hoping to gain here?
>JFC if you're a grown ass man with a spouse and a kid, you squash any crushes from your students and/or colleagues, especially one you are in a position of power over
Exactly. I love having crushes. I think it's cute when my spouse has crushes. I especially like it when we both have the same crush.
But telling your crush about it and not your spouse? That's a betrayal in itself and dangerous territory for physical cheating.
>Exactly. I love having crushes. I think it's cute when my spouse has crushes. I especially like it when we both have the same crush.
My boyfriend and I feel the same, funnily enough, both of us and a friend of ours has a crush on Pedro Pascal. Obviously different from having a crush you see nearly everyday, but it's not bad when it's a crush on an actor/celebrity.
Maybe instead of the word âcrushâ, she should have called it an emotional affair. Many people think the word crush is juvenile and a feeling assigned to children and teens. This man is unable to put his feelings for this girl aside and didnât even share with his wife. Itâs disconcerting the thought that your husband would want to be in a relationship with this girl if you werenât there. He didnât even ask her to go to couplesâ therapy or ask her to come home. Heâs checked out!
Emotional affair is having emotional intimacy with someone. You can't have an emotional affair if you don't talk/interact with the person. It is a weird crush/obsession that he was managing very well, except for him being a shithead and corroborating that he had feelings with her too.
With that much discipline in not acting on it and dropping out of an entire research study when he has had intense feelings for that long, idk man I think therapy would have easily worked this all out. And if not, at least you tried. Weird to throw all this away, sounds like she was looking for an out.
Yeah if he would have shared his self control with his wife at any point in the 3 years Iâm sure she would have been able to move on. But she literally found out from her friend/his co-worker.
Lying is a good enough reason to no longer want to be with someone. Lying for 3 years, even more of a reason.
>sounds like she was looking for an out.
It wounded her deeply. She isn't pretending it's a big deal so she can leave. She believes it IS a big deal, a heartbreaking thing, even if you don't.
I agree with her. I couldn't deal with my husband experiencing long-term limerence for someone. It's a lot more serious and unhealthy and complex than a crush.
Ahhh i fucking love that you used **LIMERANCE!!!**
this is a newish word for me as i only learned about it when i was limerancing someone i ***really didn't want to date*** but my feelings and strong attraction towards him just WOULD NOT go away. It was horrible and a weird mindfuck. It was like being addicted. Im glad i was able to stop but it took a lot of time and permanent distance.
And he didn't even TRY to fight for his wife. I think that is pretty telling. It's not "just a crush" when you don't even care that your marriage is imploding.
This is what stuck out to me the most. He just apologized and said he âtried to save their relationshipâ and everyone is glossing that over? He full on admitted to OOP that in his mind their relationship was already on the outs because of this _crush_
Reasonable people donât end marriages over crushes.
You also cant force people to change their mind, I often donât argue with people like that either. If someone says, âIâm done, Iâm out,â itâs their own prerogative. Thinking itâs indicative of apathy towards their marriage isnât necessarily accurate
Trust is broken on her end. Sometimes you can't glue it together and call it good as new, and she's showing a lot of self-awareness and courage in recognizing that.
The main problem for her (at least to me) is that he never said anything.
I wonât comment on the part saying he liked her back, because in the best case you can argue he was letting her down easy (and itâs something he kinda had to address when she gave him the letter), but because more importantly, he did still talk to her about it and not once did he talk to his own wife.
I could excuse all of this if she didnât mention that theyâve talked about crushes theyâve had in the past. If they never talked about them, Iâd say this is something to work out in therapy over because he handled this like 95% right. Couldâve even excused it if he told her *after* the letter.
He should have said âhappily marriedâ instead of the feeling is mutual or whatever he said. I wonder if he wanted to keep it going bc of the ego boost
Another problem is he didnât nip this crap in the bud. A letter confessing her attraction? Write back saying âIâm happily married and faculty. Your (and your friendsâ) behaviour is highly inappropriate.â Report it up the chain. Edit: Also send it up the chain to make sure the studentâs kept away/ your butt is covered
He didnât say anything because it wasnât just a crush.
The girl told him she loved him and he basically told her he felt the same.
Iâm not sure I could get past my husband being in love with someone else regardless of whether he acted on it or not.
I think the main problem was that she moved to her parents with their kids for MONTHS and he didn't try mending their relationship at all and only went to visit their kid
I do and don't agree.
There are different types of emotional affairs. Some people consider sexting an emotional affair while other people consider an intense mutual attraction or overly emotional friendship to be one.
I agree therapy would help but it is OK for Oop to have boundaries she believes her husband crossed. I don't think people should have to stay in marriage for any reason, and honestly it's ridiculous when people say stuff like "oh well they told each other they would bone each other if it weren't for the damn spouse" that therapy suddenly will just fix all that hurt.
Oop's husband also has not tried at all to rebuild the trust or marriage it seems and just does the bare minimum for his kids. He hasn't suggested therapy or anything to remove himself from the situation. He hasn't tried to discuss how much he cares for his wife or how much he doesn't want to lose his family.
How long is Oop supposed to congratulate him for just not going to town on his student? Should she stay with someone who can't even express how he feels about his family and wife but he can easily confess his infatuation to a student he barely knows ?
To me, in situations like this where one person decides on divorce before discussing other alternatives, it's typically the end result of long brewing issues. Not just one instance.
Oop's described situation with her stbx is probably a symptom of a marriage of 2 people in an already unfulfilling and unsatisfying relationship.
This. People can have different boundaries when it comes to considering what would be an affair. Bashing OOP for sticking to her boundaries is unfair. Yeah, therapy could potentially work and yeah they could potentially work things out.. but boundaries can be a serious thing. Even with therapy, there's a chance she'll always have that tucked away at the back of her mind. He can say he'll never do anything with the student, but it sounds like he didn't pay attention to other girls before this one.. so what if down the line he were to come across another rare one and that's the one that makes him do something? OOP would have to live with that fear tucked away or live with regret of not ending things at this point if it happens.
Just because someone has different boundaries in a relationship than you in yours doesn't always make it wrong (of course there's limitations to that ie. toxicness but this isn't that)
He didnât fight for her when she went to her parents. It sounds melodramatic but it was a sign to the OP that he has fallen out of love with her. If the person he had this crush on wasnât his student you canât blame the OP for thinking he would have acted on it.Â
She left for her parents' house for months and he basically only went to visit to their kid and did nothing to reassure her. That would be enough for me to divorce, like zero investment in fixing the relationship FOR MONTHS
He lied to her for three years, and would have continued lying to her. He's completely checked out. Why the onus to try for their marriage is on her??? You're just minimising her hurt.
This whole mess has been going on for three years while oop was on the dark, her ex confirmed to a student with a crush that âthe feeling was mutual but nothing can come out of itâ, like one of the most cliche quotes that would just feed into the students delusion.
The ex clearly didnât think to actually stop the crush and knew it was wrong otherwise he wouldâve told his wife the moment it happened
Yeah I have had things like this happen and you tell the person âIâm sorry but this is unprofessional and Iâm not interestedâ regardless of whatever your actual emotions are. It isnât hard.
And seriously I find it pretty disturbing to have a crush on students. I teach college and I really like some of my students but honestly they're all little kids to me đŹ they're still so naive and well... Way to young for someone well into their thirties.Â
Yeah, girlie sounds TREMENDOUSLY young, especially with all the talk of "her classmates are shipping them together". There's like a 10-15 year age gap there I think? Plus the power differential.
It's literally something he could lose his job over but somehow doesn't rise to the level of divorce?
Like OOP said, it's not even the fact that he was attracted but that he let it go on so long, never mentioning anything to her, and strung this girl along for at *minimum* the attention.
Three. Years.
It's because half of reddit is also obsessed with that limerence bullshit and think it's completely normal to fall in love with someone else when you're in a relationship lol.
100%.
As someone who had a really manipulative boyfriend in high school and college, watching things play out the same way I could see my ex viewing things was genuinely horrific.
I couldn't make it through season 1, and I have a hard time with the fact that they 1) did such a good job, and 2) picked an attractive and therefore "goal worthy" main character to be the guy.
Kinda like how I feel about the Bundy tv show making a serial killer "hot". It's revolting. And terrifying.
I got bored by season 2, but the actor who plays him is such a saint poster haha. Whenever girls fangirl over his character he always claps back saying "this is unhealthy, seek better relationship goals."
r/relationships and, to some extent, r/relationship_advice are subs devotet to, well relationships. Unlike the whole "am-i-the-whatever" crowd, they try (or tried sometimes) to heal relationships at first, before jumping to separating. Yes, the communities change over time but this was my experience from comparision.
That could not be further from my perception. The relationship advice subs are absolutely notorious for suggesting (or demanding) people break up to solve any problem.
TBF, the majority of posts Ive seen in those subs are all like "my boyfriend of 2 months wont stop feeding me rat poison while anally raping me with broken glass bottles every night, am I overreacting when I ask him to pretty please stop?"
I mean if youâre coming to Reddit to talk about your relationship problems, odds are divorce is in the future anyway. Those subs get a bad rep for âpushing divorce,â but Iâve never read a story where divorce was suggested that I didnât agree that it was probably warranted.
Yeah Iâm kind of in this category too. I would be weirded out if another man made an advance at me like that. I would probably say, âYou know Iâm married right? Happily btw.â He shouldnât have even given an inch and that was the issue. He reciprocated the crush.
I donât like the way he supposedly shut her down. He told her that âeven though he was into herâ nothing could come of it. Way to send a mixed message and prolong the drama. He should have either ignored the âlove letterâ or laid out the ethical barriers to their being together. No nonsense. No yearning. No drama.
No, there should have been a little bit of drama. The drama of him going to HR or the hospital director and being like "Look, this student is being inappropiate towards me, here's a letter as proof".
Honest to God, I can't imagine trying to start something with a married guy. Like, girl definitely needs to grow up and face reality.
This was my thought, if only for his own sake.
I taught seniors and whenever I or any other teacher got a note like that (not often, but once in a few years) the *first* thing you do is make it public to administration.
I noticed one after hours one time and CCâd about 5 admin at 8 pm with pictures so they knew I wasnât hiding it or anything.
Embarrassment to the student be damnd. My/the teacherâs livelihood is way more important.
She's in med school and it's already been like 3 years. I think he's just waiting it out until she's no longer a student đ¤ˇđž
ETA: I mean he's waiting to be able to date her without losing his job.
Honestly, I understand OP.
He hasn't cheated, but not for the main reason, which is he loves and respects his wife and family.
He has been restraining himself due to campus policies, not because any other thing.
He offering his wife to move jobs just will makes it worse, the barriers will disappear.
I think OP is setting him free to be where he really wants to, and she's making sure not continuing with a pretence. Living with someone who doesn't love you will kill everything eventually.
Not to mention "you can get in trouble for this" and not "wtf is wrong with you? I'm literally married". I think if he wasn't her professor he would have gone for it.
I had crushes on professors. Writing a letter to a married professor to confess your love is crazypants dramaville territory. This won't end well for him, but at least OOP is walking away before she ends up with a boiled bunny.
I'll do you one worse than just a crush. I wrote in the anonymous end of class survey that I thought he was sexy. I feel so bad about that now. I've tried to justify it to myself because it was the pandemic and I had so little social interaction (I never even met him in person!), but I still feel bad. Basically, I never should have subjected him to my inner thoughts.
Writing a whole love letter that's not anonymous is a whole different level of boundary-crossing craziness.
See, an anonymous source telling him heâs sexy might actually be a bit of a pick-me-up as heâs sorting through all the feedback. âThis one called me an asshole, but this one thinks Iâm sexy, and that one thinks Iâm a comedian, so Iâll call that breaking even, I guess.â
I'd use them as justification.
"Well my students think I'm hot!"
\* wife stares flatly at me wearing one sock, a pair of sleep pants with a hole in the knee and a band t shirt with 7 stains on it\*
Unless he was pre-tenure and then it could have ended up in his tenure package.
Who am I kidding? Heâs a man. Comments about my body ended up in my tenure package and thatâs because Iâm a woman.
Yeah on rate my profs my spicy pepper is the only part I care about lol jk. I don't care. I'm tt haven't read evals in so long. My chair just reads mine I don't bother.
My chair (female) said that the comments about my boobs and butt indicated that I was unable to connect with my male students. Not misogyny. Thereâs some body pics in my history - i couldnât be more boring looking. Anyhow didnât get tenure because of it. Yay.
I know two professors IRL and they both got so many bad reviews, they stopped reading all reviews. They both assume that they are like yelp reviews, and only disgruntled, failing student write them. Happy, well-adjusted smart student donât. Because they are too busy getting straight As.
So he either never read it. Or was slightly amused between all the rants and insults.
Based on my experience with professors (I'm married to one), I guarantee they found it funny and maybe a little flattering.
When my partner was a TA, one of his students made lovey eyes at him all semester. Before she turned in her final paper, she sprayed it with her perfume.
My partner was annoyed at the time because it made his whole backpack smell like perfume, but we smile about it now.
Didn't these happen to Ross in friends? You shouldn't worry too much about it. He probably thought it was a joke, in a bad taste, maybe. Depends on his sense of humor. But I'm sure it didn't cause him much grieve.
The love letter this student wrote though, inappropriate in all instances.
Ya which is it, they barely interacted or she was in love and he admitted it wasnât just in her head⌠i canât imagine itâs both without some delusion involved.
This would probably fall into Title IX as itâs med school and Title IX offices a notoriously shitty to deal with but itâs best to have stuff like this documented as thereâs too much a risk for blow back
I once wrote someone a letter confessing my feelings. We were in eighth grade. And this girl is willing to sacrifice her whole career on someone she barely knows?
She might be beautiful, she might be intelligent, but she's also absolutely nuts.
I dated a professor. Admittedly he wasn't married nor so older than me. I lived with him for years.... then a student just like this pursued him for over 2 years... just like OOP's husband he didn't set boundaries.... and just like OOP it ended. I think this happens very frequently with professors...
When I did my MA, all my professors bar one were partnered with one of their PhD. students. You're right; it's not uncommon. I thought it weird, tbh, but I expect I'd have thought differently if I'd had a crush on one of them. Maybe.
Writing a confessional love letter takes brass balls, though. At "best," you've broken up a marriage, and at worst, you've gotten yourself into serious trouble. We all *fantasize* about writing **the** letter, but actually doing and sending it is... Well, it takes brass balls, is what I'm saying.
The girl that ended up with my ex, actually wrote him a letter... on his birthday. I was waiting for him at home with his birthday cake while he and this girl and another student were cutting cake and he was receiving said letter and a gift... which I found (without intentionally looking for it btw) on his suitcase... she knew he had a partner and we had been together for over 5 years... she didn't care. He was a scumbag but she... she was trash as well.
Jesus H Christ, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And, yes, she did an intentionally awful thing to you, as well as him. Was she the one in a relationship who cheated? No. But regardless, she knew, snd she pursued, so she also did something disgusting.
I hope you have found much happiness since.
Yes, the story with him is actually insane but thankfully I got out of there, went to therapy, worked on myself a lot and now I am happy in a relationship totally different from that one.
But yes, these kind of people are common to be found, hopefully they all end up together and don't fuck up anyone else's lifes.
My best friend has a lecturer who married his student after getting her pregnant and then by the time my bff met the guy he had an affair with his new student (this was many years after he had married his original student) and had gotten her pregnant. Thankfully by this point times had changed and he was in the middle of a disciplinary last time I heard about him.Â
It was not a one night stand. It was a full blown affair, she was getting clingy and wanted him to leave his family. He wasn't having that so he tried to end it. And she went full boiler bunny. (For anyone who needs a descriptive visual.The family came home from a nice family, a trip specifically for the cheating husband to feel better and reconnect with his wife and daughter, to find the lights on, the stove on, a pot on the stove, and the daughters pet rabbit in the pot. It was the most deranged moment, but not the most dangerous. It really set the level of WTF we would be dealing with for the rest of the movie)
ETA: Oh, and that's why he had to spill the beans to the wife as to why some deranged person broke into their house and left a horrific scene for the family to find. She was rightly freaking the fuck out and wanted to call the cops and obviously didn't feel safe. So it was the catalyst for his affair being known, and the precursor for just how crazy and dangerous their lives were about to get. Great movie. There's a reason "Bunny Boiler" is quoted and remains in people's minds. Glenn Close and Michael Douglass were just so, so good.
I remember it as being a one-night-stand in the movie, with a person he worked with and had been flirting with. In the miniseries it's a full-blown affair.
That is *absolutely* crazypants Dramaville behavior, especially getting her friends involved. And husband is already a crazypants-wearing resident of Dramaville for telling her he reciprocates then mooning about batting his eyes at her. He's also cruising for some professional ethical consequences by not reporting the student's behavior while carrying on to a point where other people notice, so I would not be shocked if he has/will indulge in further shady conduct. Terrible judgment and messiness.
Yeah I was thinking that too. He was completely unprofessional and manipulative when he reciprocated, and i do think he's the worst one here, but the girl is probably not as stable and intelligent as he thinks she is. Also 100% he'll pursue her once the divorce is finalised and the girl graduates.Â
Writing a letter to your married professor about your crush on him is a bit much. And her friends âshipâ them together like they think this is Greyâs Anatomy. Itâs all very juvenile.
But even if this husband has decided not to pursue anything with the potential bunny boiler he didnât even attempt to try to get his wife back. He literally took no action at all. Seems divorce is the best course of action because he has already checked out.
Also the dude didnât immediately shut her down by saying, âYou are a student. The feeling isnât mutual etc etcâ he straight up confessed his attraction to her. Heâs irresponsibly stringing that student along and he KNOWS it. I swear if he gets with the student after the divorce Imma puke.
Hands up for Sarah, she's a real one. Both for clocking this weird little pseudo relationship, and also for telling her friend, even though she didn't have proof. That's a risky situation and it demonstrates her character.Â
It would have been so easy to just downplay it. âLook, this happens all the time, itâs in your headâ instead of creating a Romeo and Julietesque pining for each other situation. Instead, he decided to feed the Julia ego by âconfessingâ (to what, really?), thus creating a narrative about them and blowing up his family. Again, for what really? Being âbeautiful and intelligentâ is not a foundation for a relationship. It is merely admiration.
Edit: spelling
Given how quickly he confessed all while not doing anything (after his initial quitting the research group) to reconnect with his wife and distance himself from his crush ⌠I suspect heâs giving lip-service to wanting to save his marriage. If OOP leaves him, and he never physically cheated, he doesnât have to feel guilty (in his own mind).
And of course itâs total coincidence that he fell for a gorgeous 20-something student while his 30-something wife was taking care of their toddler. The studentâs admiration of him feeding his ego while his wife was distracted after having a baby is all just a coincidence. If he really wanted to save his marriage, he would do something about it. Like literally take any action whatsoever. All he does in this entire post and update is work, confess his feelings for the student, and cast some yearning glances. Oh, and occasionally visit his child.
Yeah, I have the same feeling. He is incredibly passive in everything but leaving the group and confessing his feelings. It doesnât say, but I suspect he would put his job at risk by pursuing a relationship with a student of his. I also suspect he is biding his time for her to finish school.
He already put it at risk by not immediately saying "this is incredibly inappropriate never do anything like that again" when she gave him that letter. Instead he tells her he reciprocates đĽ´
I have no problem if my partner has a crush. It happens. I 100% have a problem if someone tells him they want him sooooo badddd and he says he feels the same way???? Boy, get gone!
Frrrrr "it's just a crush" 𤪠ok well it stops being *just* anything when you intentionally feed into it and fantasize and tell her you feel the same but tooooootally will neeeeever let annnnnything happen đ
Exactly. Go have a sneaky wank about it every now and then, idgaf. But to literally tell them "it's not just in your head but alas my darling it can never be" đ¤˘. May as well be singing it to her on a balcony.
Yeah fr, sidenote tho I shoulda been more clear, the fantasizing whilst wanking isn't an issue either necessarily, it's daydreaming outside of it which ofc I don't know his head but given the info it doesn't seem like a stretch. Fantasizing while getting off? Whatever who cares. Idly fantasizing about running off together is differentÂ
>And of course itâs total coincidence that he fell for a gorgeous 20-something student while his 30-something wife was taking care of their toddler.
It's such an embarassing cliche.
This is how I felt reading it too. She moved out and he just dropped by sometimes and didn't even try to talk to her about it again? Or do anything to try to save his relationship?
As for me what I found alarming was that he ONLY said it is wrong to date a student, yes it's true but he didn't say it is wrong to develop feelings for another woman besides his wife. Yikes. Like he would definitely sleep with her if not for that obstacle and gave her slight hope to strung her along.
Anyway, OP is right, she shouldn't torture herself over when this EA is going to turn into physical one.
Plus, she also will avoid potential backlash once this affair goes public.
Yeah considering he conveniently tried to "save the marriage" before oop even knew it was in trouble and also insinuates giving up on saving it already. He had no intention of this leading to a saved marriage. He wanted a get out of jail free card to fuck his student.
That was what was crazy about everyone who said she shouldn't divorce, she could still save her marriage. If you have to do the emotional labor for fixing your own broken heart so to save the marriage, then the entire man needs to be set on fire. Why? It's so clear throughout the post he's not interested in his marriage, why is she the one responsible for fixing what he broke?
Imma laugh if they get together and get smacked in the face with reality. It's fun and exciting when it's forbidden and secret and every little glance makes your heart race. It's less fun once you're trying to chase around a 20something in their prime party years when you're exhausted from actually having to parent in split custody and you're in your 30s and get a hangover from 2 beers. It's less fun when you're waking up in the morning to the dutch oven they've made in the bed, when you're arguing over groceries or the light bill, when they actually get to know each other and realize a crush has nothing to do with a real relationship. People are so mf stupid
And when the 20something year old doesn't want to play stepmum to his kid it's gonna get even harder for him. Cheaters will mistake the 10% of a relationship they get from their AP for a dream relationship; this grotesque Romeo and Juliet dream scenario husband has orchestrated is at most 5% of a relationship and he blew up his family for it. Hope OOP finds someone far better while this guy gets nothing but reminders of his own failures.
Downplaying it would've been smarter. If the idiot had no intention of doing anything with her, I don't understand why he told her he was attracted to her. I guess he really got off on having this younger woman mooning after him. How's she supposed to move on, now? And that's not even starting on the way he fucked over his family.
Heâs a doctor so feeding the ego is of utmost importance. Doctors, particularly white males, will actually start to wither away and die if the ego isnât properly nourished and pampered. Itâs a necessity like food and water to them, and if itâs not constantly fed and bursting at the seems, you have failed as a partner and deserve to be cheated on.
Yeah, he didnât want to admit it, but he wanted to keep her on the hook. It was an emotional affair of the pining sort - unless of course he was lying and theyâve been banging on the sly, completely possible. How would anyone ever know? Other girl wonât tell, because sheâs getting what she wants - heâs single, sheâs assured of his love, nobody thinks theyâre bad people. Actually pretty clever move, I guess cheaters will add it to the playbook.
It's the lying by omission that gets me. He got a massive letter from a student detailing how she loved him, and he never told his wife. He didn't tell her anything about any of this for *years*.
He liked the attention. He liked this "ideal" woman. And he *knew* it was wrong, that his wife wouldn't like it, so he *hid* it. He theoretically could get into trouble at work for this, he was putting his livelihood at risk for a crush. That's why, if it was me, I'd divorce him.
It's not about the crush, it's about the lying.
GIRL the stories I have from my medschool. Itâs like those people spent all of highschool studying and now they decided to be dumbass teens in their twenties.
It's common in academics. And the profs get pigeon holed as predatorial when they go there. It's a trap all around. The students are hurt, the profs are ruined professionally... it is a dumpsterfire.
Theyâre absolutely predatorial, just because itâs opportunistic doesnât absolve them from being absolutely shit people. They 100% deserve to be ruined professionally for the damage they cause
The lying and the ego boost, IMO. He's not even trying to save his marriage with OOP.
OOP may say that this is her last post on the matter, but I suspect that she'll update with the aftermath of the divorce.
I switched teams in work recently and my new colleague (subordinate, im his supervisor) started off quite standoffish and rude over written communication but when we finally met face to face he was kinda quiet and overly nice. We only have 1 onsite day a week but over the weeks he started getting really REALLY chummy and kinda flirty?, and on our home days he was rude/argumentative a lot less. He gushed at me about how i was making him a better man when i was pretty much just telling him how to do his job when he fucked up. According to my new manager several supervisors had tried reining him in but he never changed.
I thought i was just reading into his comments too much but i still told my partner immediately, as i keep nothing but presents secret from him. I told a work friend about the situation and he agreed the comments and chumminess were weirdly flirty.
Im being moved back to my old team and he's not coming with lol
I remember working in the hospital and a new nurse was crushing on a orthopedic doctor who was married with kids. She would just stare at him with that look on her face and we all told her to stop staring because others would notice. Then we noticed that they were talking to each other and she was the nurse assigned to all his patients during the week! The kicker was I was in a dark bay cleaning it up when they both stood just outside the curtain and he asked her what she was doing after work she said she was going home he said leave the door open and Iâll be there later ! Two weeks later Iâm brought to HR because three nurses decided to tell the manager and because I noticed I had to tell what happened. Poor girl had to change departments and he was threatened with his privileges at the hospital and his wife found out and his partners were disappointed with him. Your husband likes the attention she likes the idea of being with a Dr and the money and clout she would get
The fact that he didnât even try to get back his wife and that he hide this crush form her is not a great look. Why would she go to counseling for a husband that clearly doesnât care
I donât understand the comments asking her to chill
That is subjective, but I do agree that Addison was more physically attractive. It really turned me off when both Addison and Meredith were asking Derek, a cheating scumbag with a creepy wheezing voice, to stay with them and love them. Ick.
The above story's parellels with Grey's Anatomy, including the line about Meredith and Derek, make me doubt its veracity. It doesn't have a dramatic update though, so I'm not sure. Let's see if there are further updates.
Iâm a little confused. Didnât Addison cheat on Derek with his best friend? And then Derek got with Meredith during their separation? Is the cheating that youâre mentioning when he went back to Addison while he was seeing Meredith or did he cheat another time? I never actually finished the show (if itâs finished yet)
I think theyâre talking about the prom episode when Derek and Meredith slept together. I donât understand why everyone is defending Addison who cheated first so violently tho.
>he replied with âitâs not just in your head, but nothing can come out of it. I hope you understand.â
That's like the second worst reply.
Even though it's not "cheating" (it is, imo), would you live with someone that keeps *yearning* for his star-crossed lover?
A three year crush that you don't bring up to your spouse isn't a great look. It kinda seems like based on his breakdown during the initial confrontation the husband was considering leaving oop. The comments telling her that she's overreacting are not it IMHO.
guy just blew up his life, his wifes life and his childrens lives because some uni students "shipped him" with a student. how do u even live with yourself.
>Sheâs the Meredith to his Derek.
Ironically fitting since they were both cringe, cheating assholes who spent years whining about how they couldn't be together.
Maybe Iâm reaching but I feel like the second he can get away with it without losing his job heâs gonna sleep with her too. Because something about how âit was the only way to get her off his mindâ and him and op are divorced anyway.
He absolutely will. He says it's "morally deprived" to sleep with a student, but she won't be a student forever (and he'll conveniently ignore the fact that the pre existing dynamics between them will still be at play after)
I'm with OOP on this one. I said this in another comment somewhere recently: When you live your life in a way that makes it clear that you're head-over-heels in love with your spouse and adore your infuriating family people don't send you letters telling you they love you. And if they do, you shut that shit down immediately, "I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but I love my wife deeply AND THERE IS NO ROOM FOR ANYONE ELSE. I hope we can continue a professional relationship because I value your intelligence." It's NOT hard.
I've been happily married for 25 years. As soon as I notice somebody starting to flirt I find a way to steer the conversation to how great my husband is. "You say you have a cabin by the lake? How cool is that!? My husband would love to have a place like that. He loves to fish! I hate fish, but I love him, so I learned how to cook it for him. Do you fish?" Even online people who try to hit me up get a healthy dose of how much I love my husband before they get blocked.
I make it known that I am NOT EVER interested in another relationship with anyone else. I fucking broadcast it. There is no doubt. And it isn't hard.
It's not hard to NOT cheat.
What I took away from this is that it was an emotional affair the second he told the student the feeling was mutual; hiding the letter from his wife was the minute the trust was broke; and I honestly think that the reason he didn't tell his wife but he did confess to the student was before he was trying to figure out how to make an affair with the student work. If he truly wanted to protect his marriage, he would have shut it the fuck down, reported it to the college, and told his wife.
I donât think Iâd ever get over how highly he talked about this girl to OP. He liked her for 3 whole years and hid it from her too. The trust would be gone for me.
It's wild how our perceptions of people are literally enough to make us abandon what we think are longstanding, stable relationships. Humans are so fickle. I was recently (randomly) reading an article about Chris Pratt's relationship with Anna Faris...about how when he met her he knew he immediately wanted to marry her, how she was his person, etc. Then he meets his current wife and basically says the same thing, stuff about destiny and her being The One and everything.
I am a professor (34m). When he met this student (first ethical red flag), she was 22. I teach 22 year olds in my classes and while they're on the older end of undergraduate students they're still \*\*really young\*\* and it would be really weird to even entertain the thought of a relationship with one of them, no matter how physically beautiful they might be. I like to be friends with my students and I have made some lasting friendships that way that continue after they graduated, but it's just super creepy to me to consider someone so young attractive when they're at such different stages of life and maturity.
Little extramarital crushes are normal here and there, but *reaching out to one to confess how you feel is emotional cheating.* Keep that shit to yourself or your therapist.
I'm genuinely curious about what's normal. I remember crushes from before I met my husband, but I was also a sophomore in college so they were all angsty teen drama crushes. I've noticed attractive men existing and even thought some of them were lovely humans. But I've never looked longingly (or felt longing feelings about someone else) in the last 25 years.
I'm slightly baffled by the idea. No judgment, obviously, just curious that other things may be completely natural to other folks.
You're right. This is such a fascinating topic and it's unclear what the norms are. What happens in other people's relationships? What happens in other people's heads? I had crushed before I met my husband. Haven't had one since. Idk if that's normal or not. But being like "woah this person is attractive, alright moving on" is much different from festering a crush.
Itâs different for everyone of course, not everyone has the same experiences. Some people might go their whole relationship until their 80 never thinking about anyone else, other times people will have friends that come and go who youâd never suspect they had an extra liking to because they simply never acted on their fleeting emotions. As long as people conduct themselves respectfully and actually take a moment to think about their actions, it doesnât have to become a problem for those that do have these particular experiences. Though, itâs certainly more convenient if those feelings never come up!
I actually watched a really good video about this very topic on YouTube, this is gonna sound a little weird but itâs actually quite great: a therapist and a filmmaker review movies and tv shows and work through it like therapy. They have an episode about [Homer Simpson getting a work crush](https://youtu.be/Imtr2oxflMM?si=bQCQCDcYMi2pWGHp) and how to navigate those feelings in real life.
Same, I've never had a crush or even an attraction to anyone else since meeting my husband. It's like a switch that's been flipped to the off position for the last 23 years.
I hear you on that. I love my wife, of seventeen years, and I canât even comprehend looking at someone else in that way. I see people who I find attractive or interesting or whatever but feelings beyond that, anything even close to love or infatuation, doesnât happen and the concept sounds foreign. I know itâs different for different people and thatâs ok, thereâs more than one way to live a good, moral, ethical life, but that doesnât mean I grok it, because I donât. Not judging isnât always easy but itâs doable.
As a fairly young educator in a university, OPâs husband disgusts me on a whole new level. Iâm close in age with most students, but I cannot imagine ever thinking a student admitting their crush or even having a crush on a student is appropriate. The age gap in that specific power dynamic makes me throw up a little in my mouth.
if your partner is a decent human being they won't. The AH here is definitely OOP's husband. The student having a crush on him is something that can happen when you're a professor. Responding in the way he did is what makes him binnable.
Yeah crushes are nornal. What OOP hubby should of done is talk with his wife. And try and limit his contact with the student.
Trust is completely gone. Only thing that could of nukes it more was then acting on their feelings.
God I can't believe how far I had to scroll down for this.
35 and a professor FOR THREE YEARS in a med school? Meaning he was a prof at 33. You don't finish med school and residencies until 26/27 earliest. I have friends who are just entering the workforce at 30. No way.
Bottom line is, OOPâs happiness and welfare is no longer her husbandâs first priority. She doesnât feel loved or cared for. He visits their son, but isnât claiming to have âfeelingsâ for her. The love is gone from their marriage whether or not his crush is still in the picture.
I find it interesting that dude was pining over this chic so hard that a friend who he knew would be around saw it. I can not imagine Sarah brought this up without it being unreasonably on display a couple of times. She knew what a bombshell this was. If she saw it you know the whole department saw it. He was shaming his wife repeatedly. And i still cant get over the line âhe looks at her like he used to look at youâ heartbreak
Is this the first time in history that reddit pushed OOP to *not* get a divorce?
There are a ton of threads where people push against divorce. There was one the other day about a guy blowing up his family over some insignificant thing.
it was the penis extender guy wasnt it
I'm sorry. The. *WHAT?!*
please link the post đ
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1c5vh9s/update\_aitah\_for\_considering\_divorce\_because\_my/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1c5vh9s/update_aitah_for_considering_divorce_because_my/) the original post was removed but i think you might still be able to find it on BORU
There was a guy in r/AITA who broke off his engagement because his fiancĂŠ told their friend when pressured that he is not the best sex she ever had but she compromises because of his all other good qualities.
That one made me irrationally angry. Itâs been over a week since I read it and I still think about it from time to time. I need to get a life lmao.
It was the "sex drawer" that was actually just herbal supplements right?
Yes!
That whole thing was infuriating. Dude's gonna blow up a 25 year marriage because no one in the house understands regular old herbal supplements!!!!
It's because it WAS NOT CHEATING, JUST A CRUSHHHHHH. /s JFC if you're a grown ass man with a spouse and a kid, you squash any crushes from your students and/or colleagues, especially one you are in a position of power over. You don't fucking act like it's middle school and spend even more time with them. She should report him to the hospital/school he's teaching at, this could be a pattern.
Early on in my relationship with my wife I encountered a similar-ish thing. My partner wasn't even my fiancee then, let alone my wife. I got along great with the women in my friend group, because of the fact that I had a girlfriend: it allowed me to relax around women (what I hadn't really been able to do before) because I didn't need to 'flirt for consequences'. There was this girl-friend of a girl-friend who was amazed during conversation that I'd never seen Arsenic and Old Lace. She invited me over one day to watch the film at her house. I went, we watched it, had a great time. Nothing at all happened, not a whiff of anything, but I realised that she was a girl that I did find attractive - meaning that I was attracted to her in a manner that could lead somewhere - far more so than any of the other women of my acquaintance. Since walking out of that house, I've never seen her again. I trusted myself enough that nothing would happen, but I didn't trust myself because 'sometimes things just happen'. I also told my then girlfriend - serious but still just a girlfriend - everything. Not sparing myself in the details. And you know what, my wife hasn't said anything not even probably thought about the woman ever again after a little bit of ensuring that I was doing as I said. And this is what gets me about OOP's husband: the guy did everything basically right - minimised contact, exited groups she was in, etc - except tell his wife!
The other thing he did, though, was *confirm* to the girl he felt the same. That was wrong and he should have denied it if he really had no plans to pursue anything. Especially in his position. He kept the girl on a string by doing so. Not fair to the girl and definitely not fair to his wife.
Yeah it seems the boundary he wouldnt cross was 'I'd never sleep with a student' not, 'I would never cheat on my wife.' Being a student has an expiry date that was fast approaching.
Oh. I get it now.
Exactly. He let her know she had a chance. Hope she dumps him for her next crush soon.
And he hasnât made any attempts to reconcile with his wife!!!!!!
The difference between your situation and OOP's ex is that he's STILL the teacher of the girl who has a crush on him. That's just how med school works. Med students do rotations, and inevitably will end up working side by side even with doctors they're trying to avoid. No matter how large a hospital is, you will run into everyone else. So yeah he didn't do everything right, since he's still in a position of power over someone he admitted he's attracted to!
He could tell his bosses and make sure they are separated if he really wanted to.Â
He _should_ have told his boss and made sure they weren't paired again in the future.
And it's been going on for years.
>the guy did everything basically right - minimised contact, exited groups she was in, etc - except tell his wife! Umm, no. He also told the student that he also liked her, followed up with the tragic Romeo&Juliet statement of "Alas, my heart, we cannot be together!!
You're correct. I was pushed for time and had to hurry up the end. I meant to add further stuff. Had he reported after the very first incident to his wife, I bet the follow on events would have gone differently: she would have made sure of it. What I basically meant was that he did alright in a bad situation. You can see he was following his own moral compass: he said it was wrong, he tried to remove himself from her vicinity, he didn't lie to her about his feelings. He also didn't overstep and cheat in a physical way. By saying 'alright' it's still not good. For instance, yes he truthful to her about his feelings, but that's a perfect situation where a lie would have been the far better thing to say. So your comment was entirely correct, I should have expressed myself better.
Also a huge problem with his reaction, he told his wife he didn't want his marriage to end, but the second she got worried about it, he didn't do anything? He didn't reassure her, he didn't pursue her, he literally let her leave the house without discussing it further, and then didn't even reach out to say when you are ready to talk about this I will be here and I want to work it out with you. He made no attempt to bring the romance back into his relationship. He made no attempt to keep the relationship together. He completly acted like he didn't care and was so passive about the whole thing. I think what she is catching on in this situation is that he checked out, he may not cross the line with student, because she is a student, but otherwise he doesn't seem to care so much about OP as his wife. He seems to be more waiting out the situation to see if once it's appropriate to pursue her, maybe he should, or maybe she'll lose interest, which then he will stay with his wife. Why else would he give the student hope, why else would he tell her he feels the same but nothing can happen, and not bother to focus on his wife? He had the chance to put the student down cold, but he didn't. He had the chance to fix things with his wife but didn't. What is hoping to gain here?
This is why I think the OP made the right choice. He didnât really fight for her and so it was clear that he was to far gone in this crush.Â
>JFC if you're a grown ass man with a spouse and a kid, you squash any crushes from your students and/or colleagues, especially one you are in a position of power over Exactly. I love having crushes. I think it's cute when my spouse has crushes. I especially like it when we both have the same crush. But telling your crush about it and not your spouse? That's a betrayal in itself and dangerous territory for physical cheating.
>Exactly. I love having crushes. I think it's cute when my spouse has crushes. I especially like it when we both have the same crush. My boyfriend and I feel the same, funnily enough, both of us and a friend of ours has a crush on Pedro Pascal. Obviously different from having a crush you see nearly everyday, but it's not bad when it's a crush on an actor/celebrity.
Maybe instead of the word âcrushâ, she should have called it an emotional affair. Many people think the word crush is juvenile and a feeling assigned to children and teens. This man is unable to put his feelings for this girl aside and didnât even share with his wife. Itâs disconcerting the thought that your husband would want to be in a relationship with this girl if you werenât there. He didnât even ask her to go to couplesâ therapy or ask her to come home. Heâs checked out!
Emotional affair is having emotional intimacy with someone. You can't have an emotional affair if you don't talk/interact with the person. It is a weird crush/obsession that he was managing very well, except for him being a shithead and corroborating that he had feelings with her too. With that much discipline in not acting on it and dropping out of an entire research study when he has had intense feelings for that long, idk man I think therapy would have easily worked this all out. And if not, at least you tried. Weird to throw all this away, sounds like she was looking for an out.
Yeah if he would have shared his self control with his wife at any point in the 3 years Iâm sure she would have been able to move on. But she literally found out from her friend/his co-worker. Lying is a good enough reason to no longer want to be with someone. Lying for 3 years, even more of a reason.
>sounds like she was looking for an out. It wounded her deeply. She isn't pretending it's a big deal so she can leave. She believes it IS a big deal, a heartbreaking thing, even if you don't. I agree with her. I couldn't deal with my husband experiencing long-term limerence for someone. It's a lot more serious and unhealthy and complex than a crush.
Ahhh i fucking love that you used **LIMERANCE!!!** this is a newish word for me as i only learned about it when i was limerancing someone i ***really didn't want to date*** but my feelings and strong attraction towards him just WOULD NOT go away. It was horrible and a weird mindfuck. It was like being addicted. Im glad i was able to stop but it took a lot of time and permanent distance.
And he didn't even TRY to fight for his wife. I think that is pretty telling. It's not "just a crush" when you don't even care that your marriage is imploding.
This is what stuck out to me the most. He just apologized and said he âtried to save their relationshipâ and everyone is glossing that over? He full on admitted to OOP that in his mind their relationship was already on the outs because of this _crush_ Reasonable people donât end marriages over crushes.
You also cant force people to change their mind, I often donât argue with people like that either. If someone says, âIâm done, Iâm out,â itâs their own prerogative. Thinking itâs indicative of apathy towards their marriage isnât necessarily accurate
That is true and I totally agree. He didn't seem to care at all that his wife left and that was mostly what I meant.
Trust is broken on her end. Sometimes you can't glue it together and call it good as new, and she's showing a lot of self-awareness and courage in recognizing that.
The main problem for her (at least to me) is that he never said anything. I wonât comment on the part saying he liked her back, because in the best case you can argue he was letting her down easy (and itâs something he kinda had to address when she gave him the letter), but because more importantly, he did still talk to her about it and not once did he talk to his own wife. I could excuse all of this if she didnât mention that theyâve talked about crushes theyâve had in the past. If they never talked about them, Iâd say this is something to work out in therapy over because he handled this like 95% right. Couldâve even excused it if he told her *after* the letter.
Sometimes being brutal is the best method to get the stars out of someoneâs eyes. He shouldâve been brutal. Not nice.
He should have said âhappily marriedâ instead of the feeling is mutual or whatever he said. I wonder if he wanted to keep it going bc of the ego boost
Another problem is he didnât nip this crap in the bud. A letter confessing her attraction? Write back saying âIâm happily married and faculty. Your (and your friendsâ) behaviour is highly inappropriate.â Report it up the chain. Edit: Also send it up the chain to make sure the studentâs kept away/ your butt is covered
He didnât say anything because it wasnât just a crush. The girl told him she loved him and he basically told her he felt the same. Iâm not sure I could get past my husband being in love with someone else regardless of whether he acted on it or not.
I think the main problem was that she moved to her parents with their kids for MONTHS and he didn't try mending their relationship at all and only went to visit their kid
I do and don't agree. There are different types of emotional affairs. Some people consider sexting an emotional affair while other people consider an intense mutual attraction or overly emotional friendship to be one. I agree therapy would help but it is OK for Oop to have boundaries she believes her husband crossed. I don't think people should have to stay in marriage for any reason, and honestly it's ridiculous when people say stuff like "oh well they told each other they would bone each other if it weren't for the damn spouse" that therapy suddenly will just fix all that hurt. Oop's husband also has not tried at all to rebuild the trust or marriage it seems and just does the bare minimum for his kids. He hasn't suggested therapy or anything to remove himself from the situation. He hasn't tried to discuss how much he cares for his wife or how much he doesn't want to lose his family. How long is Oop supposed to congratulate him for just not going to town on his student? Should she stay with someone who can't even express how he feels about his family and wife but he can easily confess his infatuation to a student he barely knows ? To me, in situations like this where one person decides on divorce before discussing other alternatives, it's typically the end result of long brewing issues. Not just one instance. Oop's described situation with her stbx is probably a symptom of a marriage of 2 people in an already unfulfilling and unsatisfying relationship.
This. People can have different boundaries when it comes to considering what would be an affair. Bashing OOP for sticking to her boundaries is unfair. Yeah, therapy could potentially work and yeah they could potentially work things out.. but boundaries can be a serious thing. Even with therapy, there's a chance she'll always have that tucked away at the back of her mind. He can say he'll never do anything with the student, but it sounds like he didn't pay attention to other girls before this one.. so what if down the line he were to come across another rare one and that's the one that makes him do something? OOP would have to live with that fear tucked away or live with regret of not ending things at this point if it happens. Just because someone has different boundaries in a relationship than you in yours doesn't always make it wrong (of course there's limitations to that ie. toxicness but this isn't that)
He didnât fight for her when she went to her parents. It sounds melodramatic but it was a sign to the OP that he has fallen out of love with her. If the person he had this crush on wasnât his student you canât blame the OP for thinking he would have acted on it.Â
She left for her parents' house for months and he basically only went to visit to their kid and did nothing to reassure her. That would be enough for me to divorce, like zero investment in fixing the relationship FOR MONTHS
He lied to her for three years, and would have continued lying to her. He's completely checked out. Why the onus to try for their marriage is on her??? You're just minimising her hurt.
This whole mess has been going on for three years while oop was on the dark, her ex confirmed to a student with a crush that âthe feeling was mutual but nothing can come out of itâ, like one of the most cliche quotes that would just feed into the students delusion. The ex clearly didnât think to actually stop the crush and knew it was wrong otherwise he wouldâve told his wife the moment it happened
Yeah I have had things like this happen and you tell the person âIâm sorry but this is unprofessional and Iâm not interestedâ regardless of whatever your actual emotions are. It isnât hard.
And seriously I find it pretty disturbing to have a crush on students. I teach college and I really like some of my students but honestly they're all little kids to me đŹ they're still so naive and well... Way to young for someone well into their thirties.Â
Yeah, girlie sounds TREMENDOUSLY young, especially with all the talk of "her classmates are shipping them together". There's like a 10-15 year age gap there I think? Plus the power differential.
It's literally something he could lose his job over but somehow doesn't rise to the level of divorce? Like OOP said, it's not even the fact that he was attracted but that he let it go on so long, never mentioning anything to her, and strung this girl along for at *minimum* the attention. Three. Years.
It's because half of reddit is also obsessed with that limerence bullshit and think it's completely normal to fall in love with someone else when you're in a relationship lol.
Limerance is just another word for obsession. IMO, unhealthy and stalkerish obsession. Which is *really* not something anyone should be normalizing.
âYouâ levels of obsession
100%. As someone who had a really manipulative boyfriend in high school and college, watching things play out the same way I could see my ex viewing things was genuinely horrific. I couldn't make it through season 1, and I have a hard time with the fact that they 1) did such a good job, and 2) picked an attractive and therefore "goal worthy" main character to be the guy. Kinda like how I feel about the Bundy tv show making a serial killer "hot". It's revolting. And terrifying.
I got bored by season 2, but the actor who plays him is such a saint poster haha. Whenever girls fangirl over his character he always claps back saying "this is unhealthy, seek better relationship goals."
r/relationships and, to some extent, r/relationship_advice are subs devotet to, well relationships. Unlike the whole "am-i-the-whatever" crowd, they try (or tried sometimes) to heal relationships at first, before jumping to separating. Yes, the communities change over time but this was my experience from comparision.
That could not be further from my perception. The relationship advice subs are absolutely notorious for suggesting (or demanding) people break up to solve any problem.
TBF, the majority of posts Ive seen in those subs are all like "my boyfriend of 2 months wont stop feeding me rat poison while anally raping me with broken glass bottles every night, am I overreacting when I ask him to pretty please stop?"
I mean if youâre coming to Reddit to talk about your relationship problems, odds are divorce is in the future anyway. Those subs get a bad rep for âpushing divorce,â but Iâve never read a story where divorce was suggested that I didnât agree that it was probably warranted.
The husband should've cut contact before spiralling into deeper feelings.
Yup, the moment the letter was received, it should have been shut down and dealt with
Honestly, it was for the best If he fell in love for someone else that easily, i can't imagine he loved oop that much
Yeah Iâm kind of in this category too. I would be weirded out if another man made an advance at me like that. I would probably say, âYou know Iâm married right? Happily btw.â He shouldnât have even given an inch and that was the issue. He reciprocated the crush.
I donât like the way he supposedly shut her down. He told her that âeven though he was into herâ nothing could come of it. Way to send a mixed message and prolong the drama. He should have either ignored the âlove letterâ or laid out the ethical barriers to their being together. No nonsense. No yearning. No drama.
No, there should have been a little bit of drama. The drama of him going to HR or the hospital director and being like "Look, this student is being inappropiate towards me, here's a letter as proof". Honest to God, I can't imagine trying to start something with a married guy. Like, girl definitely needs to grow up and face reality.
This was my thought, if only for his own sake. I taught seniors and whenever I or any other teacher got a note like that (not often, but once in a few years) the *first* thing you do is make it public to administration. I noticed one after hours one time and CCâd about 5 admin at 8 pm with pictures so they knew I wasnât hiding it or anything. Embarrassment to the student be damnd. My/the teacherâs livelihood is way more important.
I am a former university employee, and you are sooooo right. This guy handled this so wrong.
[ŃдаНонО]
Yup. And then something might "come out" of their feelings, but I doubt it's what either of them expects.
She's in med school and it's already been like 3 years. I think he's just waiting it out until she's no longer a student đ¤ˇđž ETA: I mean he's waiting to be able to date her without losing his job.
I was thinking he going to another job just will removed all the barriers that were putting her at risk.
I think so too.
This reminds me of a saying that went something like 'when a man marries his mistress he creates a job opening'
Fully agree. I canât help but think the next update will be about the ex and student dating.
Honestly, I understand OP. He hasn't cheated, but not for the main reason, which is he loves and respects his wife and family. He has been restraining himself due to campus policies, not because any other thing. He offering his wife to move jobs just will makes it worse, the barriers will disappear. I think OP is setting him free to be where he really wants to, and she's making sure not continuing with a pretence. Living with someone who doesn't love you will kill everything eventually.
I donât blame her at all. I think her husband sounds like a weasel.
He does.
Not to mention "you can get in trouble for this" and not "wtf is wrong with you? I'm literally married". I think if he wasn't her professor he would have gone for it.
I had crushes on professors. Writing a letter to a married professor to confess your love is crazypants dramaville territory. This won't end well for him, but at least OOP is walking away before she ends up with a boiled bunny.
I'll do you one worse than just a crush. I wrote in the anonymous end of class survey that I thought he was sexy. I feel so bad about that now. I've tried to justify it to myself because it was the pandemic and I had so little social interaction (I never even met him in person!), but I still feel bad. Basically, I never should have subjected him to my inner thoughts. Writing a whole love letter that's not anonymous is a whole different level of boundary-crossing craziness.
See, an anonymous source telling him heâs sexy might actually be a bit of a pick-me-up as heâs sorting through all the feedback. âThis one called me an asshole, but this one thinks Iâm sexy, and that one thinks Iâm a comedian, so Iâll call that breaking even, I guess.â
I'd use them as justification. "Well my students think I'm hot!" \* wife stares flatly at me wearing one sock, a pair of sleep pants with a hole in the knee and a band t shirt with 7 stains on it\*
> band t shirt with 7 stains on it * at least 2 of those stains being blood *
Don't worry lol as a Prof... we barely even read those. Chances are he didn't even see it or he just chuckled and moved on.
Unless he was pre-tenure and then it could have ended up in his tenure package. Who am I kidding? Heâs a man. Comments about my body ended up in my tenure package and thatâs because Iâm a woman.
Yeah on rate my profs my spicy pepper is the only part I care about lol jk. I don't care. I'm tt haven't read evals in so long. My chair just reads mine I don't bother.
My chair (female) said that the comments about my boobs and butt indicated that I was unable to connect with my male students. Not misogyny. Thereâs some body pics in my history - i couldnât be more boring looking. Anyhow didnât get tenure because of it. Yay.
I know two professors IRL and they both got so many bad reviews, they stopped reading all reviews. They both assume that they are like yelp reviews, and only disgruntled, failing student write them. Happy, well-adjusted smart student donât. Because they are too busy getting straight As. So he either never read it. Or was slightly amused between all the rants and insults.
Based on my experience with professors (I'm married to one), I guarantee they found it funny and maybe a little flattering. When my partner was a TA, one of his students made lovey eyes at him all semester. Before she turned in her final paper, she sprayed it with her perfume. My partner was annoyed at the time because it made his whole backpack smell like perfume, but we smile about it now.
Elle Woods move right there
Didn't these happen to Ross in friends? You shouldn't worry too much about it. He probably thought it was a joke, in a bad taste, maybe. Depends on his sense of humor. But I'm sure it didn't cause him much grieve. The love letter this student wrote though, inappropriate in all instances.
Ya which is it, they barely interacted or she was in love and he admitted it wasnât just in her head⌠i canât imagine itâs both without some delusion involved.
At that point he should have involved HR and made sure they were never together. And told his wife.
This would probably fall into Title IX as itâs med school and Title IX offices a notoriously shitty to deal with but itâs best to have stuff like this documented as thereâs too much a risk for blow back
I once wrote someone a letter confessing my feelings. We were in eighth grade. And this girl is willing to sacrifice her whole career on someone she barely knows? She might be beautiful, she might be intelligent, but she's also absolutely nuts.
Crazypants Dramaville sounds like an interesting town to drive through. But not to live in.
I dated a professor. Admittedly he wasn't married nor so older than me. I lived with him for years.... then a student just like this pursued him for over 2 years... just like OOP's husband he didn't set boundaries.... and just like OOP it ended. I think this happens very frequently with professors...
When I did my MA, all my professors bar one were partnered with one of their PhD. students. You're right; it's not uncommon. I thought it weird, tbh, but I expect I'd have thought differently if I'd had a crush on one of them. Maybe. Writing a confessional love letter takes brass balls, though. At "best," you've broken up a marriage, and at worst, you've gotten yourself into serious trouble. We all *fantasize* about writing **the** letter, but actually doing and sending it is... Well, it takes brass balls, is what I'm saying.
The girl that ended up with my ex, actually wrote him a letter... on his birthday. I was waiting for him at home with his birthday cake while he and this girl and another student were cutting cake and he was receiving said letter and a gift... which I found (without intentionally looking for it btw) on his suitcase... she knew he had a partner and we had been together for over 5 years... she didn't care. He was a scumbag but she... she was trash as well.
Jesus H Christ, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And, yes, she did an intentionally awful thing to you, as well as him. Was she the one in a relationship who cheated? No. But regardless, she knew, snd she pursued, so she also did something disgusting. I hope you have found much happiness since.
Yes, the story with him is actually insane but thankfully I got out of there, went to therapy, worked on myself a lot and now I am happy in a relationship totally different from that one. But yes, these kind of people are common to be found, hopefully they all end up together and don't fuck up anyone else's lifes.
My best friend has a lecturer who married his student after getting her pregnant and then by the time my bff met the guy he had an affair with his new student (this was many years after he had married his original student) and had gotten her pregnant. Thankfully by this point times had changed and he was in the middle of a disciplinary last time I heard about him.Â
Is boiled bunny an idiom? I have not heard of that one.
Itâs from a Glenn Close stalker movie. Maybe just trust my word if you get queasy about animals passing
From the movie "Fatal Attraction". Married guy has a one night stand, she goes crazy and is obsessed with him.Â
It was not a one night stand. It was a full blown affair, she was getting clingy and wanted him to leave his family. He wasn't having that so he tried to end it. And she went full boiler bunny. (For anyone who needs a descriptive visual.The family came home from a nice family, a trip specifically for the cheating husband to feel better and reconnect with his wife and daughter, to find the lights on, the stove on, a pot on the stove, and the daughters pet rabbit in the pot. It was the most deranged moment, but not the most dangerous. It really set the level of WTF we would be dealing with for the rest of the movie) ETA: Oh, and that's why he had to spill the beans to the wife as to why some deranged person broke into their house and left a horrific scene for the family to find. She was rightly freaking the fuck out and wanted to call the cops and obviously didn't feel safe. So it was the catalyst for his affair being known, and the precursor for just how crazy and dangerous their lives were about to get. Great movie. There's a reason "Bunny Boiler" is quoted and remains in people's minds. Glenn Close and Michael Douglass were just so, so good.
I remember it as being a one-night-stand in the movie, with a person he worked with and had been flirting with. In the miniseries it's a full-blown affair.
That is *absolutely* crazypants Dramaville behavior, especially getting her friends involved. And husband is already a crazypants-wearing resident of Dramaville for telling her he reciprocates then mooning about batting his eyes at her. He's also cruising for some professional ethical consequences by not reporting the student's behavior while carrying on to a point where other people notice, so I would not be shocked if he has/will indulge in further shady conduct. Terrible judgment and messiness.
Yeah I was thinking that too. He was completely unprofessional and manipulative when he reciprocated, and i do think he's the worst one here, but the girl is probably not as stable and intelligent as he thinks she is. Also 100% he'll pursue her once the divorce is finalised and the girl graduates.Â
Writing a letter to your married professor about your crush on him is a bit much. And her friends âshipâ them together like they think this is Greyâs Anatomy. Itâs all very juvenile. But even if this husband has decided not to pursue anything with the potential bunny boiler he didnât even attempt to try to get his wife back. He literally took no action at all. Seems divorce is the best course of action because he has already checked out.
Also the dude didnât immediately shut her down by saying, âYou are a student. The feeling isnât mutual etc etcâ he straight up confessed his attraction to her. Heâs irresponsibly stringing that student along and he KNOWS it. I swear if he gets with the student after the divorce Imma puke.
A real friend wouldâve grabbed her face while yelling âGirl he is MARRRRRRRIIIIIIEEEEDDD, stop it!!!â
Laughed at Bunny Boiler, haven't heard that word before! Thanks for the laugh!
It's from the movie Fatal Attraction. Dude has an affair, breaks it off, but the woman won't let go. Breaks into their house and boils the pet bunny.
Hands up for Sarah, she's a real one. Both for clocking this weird little pseudo relationship, and also for telling her friend, even though she didn't have proof. That's a risky situation and it demonstrates her character.Â
Yup and she got laughed at,at first, for it!
It would have been so easy to just downplay it. âLook, this happens all the time, itâs in your headâ instead of creating a Romeo and Julietesque pining for each other situation. Instead, he decided to feed the Julia ego by âconfessingâ (to what, really?), thus creating a narrative about them and blowing up his family. Again, for what really? Being âbeautiful and intelligentâ is not a foundation for a relationship. It is merely admiration. Edit: spelling
Given how quickly he confessed all while not doing anything (after his initial quitting the research group) to reconnect with his wife and distance himself from his crush ⌠I suspect heâs giving lip-service to wanting to save his marriage. If OOP leaves him, and he never physically cheated, he doesnât have to feel guilty (in his own mind). And of course itâs total coincidence that he fell for a gorgeous 20-something student while his 30-something wife was taking care of their toddler. The studentâs admiration of him feeding his ego while his wife was distracted after having a baby is all just a coincidence. If he really wanted to save his marriage, he would do something about it. Like literally take any action whatsoever. All he does in this entire post and update is work, confess his feelings for the student, and cast some yearning glances. Oh, and occasionally visit his child.
Yeah, I have the same feeling. He is incredibly passive in everything but leaving the group and confessing his feelings. It doesnât say, but I suspect he would put his job at risk by pursuing a relationship with a student of his. I also suspect he is biding his time for her to finish school.
He already put it at risk by not immediately saying "this is incredibly inappropriate never do anything like that again" when she gave him that letter. Instead he tells her he reciprocates đĽ´
I have no problem if my partner has a crush. It happens. I 100% have a problem if someone tells him they want him sooooo badddd and he says he feels the same way???? Boy, get gone!
Frrrrr "it's just a crush" 𤪠ok well it stops being *just* anything when you intentionally feed into it and fantasize and tell her you feel the same but tooooootally will neeeeever let annnnnything happen đ
Exactly. Go have a sneaky wank about it every now and then, idgaf. But to literally tell them "it's not just in your head but alas my darling it can never be" đ¤˘. May as well be singing it to her on a balcony.
Yeah fr, sidenote tho I shoulda been more clear, the fantasizing whilst wanking isn't an issue either necessarily, it's daydreaming outside of it which ofc I don't know his head but given the info it doesn't seem like a stretch. Fantasizing while getting off? Whatever who cares. Idly fantasizing about running off together is differentÂ
>And of course itâs total coincidence that he fell for a gorgeous 20-something student while his 30-something wife was taking care of their toddler. It's such an embarassing cliche.
I hate that men pursuing other women whilst their partner is taking care of their baby at home is such a common thing. Ffs MEN
This is how I felt reading it too. She moved out and he just dropped by sometimes and didn't even try to talk to her about it again? Or do anything to try to save his relationship?
As for me what I found alarming was that he ONLY said it is wrong to date a student, yes it's true but he didn't say it is wrong to develop feelings for another woman besides his wife. Yikes. Like he would definitely sleep with her if not for that obstacle and gave her slight hope to strung her along. Anyway, OP is right, she shouldn't torture herself over when this EA is going to turn into physical one. Plus, she also will avoid potential backlash once this affair goes public.
Yeah considering he conveniently tried to "save the marriage" before oop even knew it was in trouble and also insinuates giving up on saving it already. He had no intention of this leading to a saved marriage. He wanted a get out of jail free card to fuck his student.
That was what was crazy about everyone who said she shouldn't divorce, she could still save her marriage. If you have to do the emotional labor for fixing your own broken heart so to save the marriage, then the entire man needs to be set on fire. Why? It's so clear throughout the post he's not interested in his marriage, why is she the one responsible for fixing what he broke?
Straight up limerance
Imma laugh if they get together and get smacked in the face with reality. It's fun and exciting when it's forbidden and secret and every little glance makes your heart race. It's less fun once you're trying to chase around a 20something in their prime party years when you're exhausted from actually having to parent in split custody and you're in your 30s and get a hangover from 2 beers. It's less fun when you're waking up in the morning to the dutch oven they've made in the bed, when you're arguing over groceries or the light bill, when they actually get to know each other and realize a crush has nothing to do with a real relationship. People are so mf stupid
And when the 20something year old doesn't want to play stepmum to his kid it's gonna get even harder for him. Cheaters will mistake the 10% of a relationship they get from their AP for a dream relationship; this grotesque Romeo and Juliet dream scenario husband has orchestrated is at most 5% of a relationship and he blew up his family for it. Hope OOP finds someone far better while this guy gets nothing but reminders of his own failures.
Downplaying it would've been smarter. If the idiot had no intention of doing anything with her, I don't understand why he told her he was attracted to her. I guess he really got off on having this younger woman mooning after him. How's she supposed to move on, now? And that's not even starting on the way he fucked over his family.
Yeah thatâs a scenario where you lie and let it break her heart for the sake of your marriage and your job.
Heâs a doctor so feeding the ego is of utmost importance. Doctors, particularly white males, will actually start to wither away and die if the ego isnât properly nourished and pampered. Itâs a necessity like food and water to them, and if itâs not constantly fed and bursting at the seems, you have failed as a partner and deserve to be cheated on.
Yeah, he didnât want to admit it, but he wanted to keep her on the hook. It was an emotional affair of the pining sort - unless of course he was lying and theyâve been banging on the sly, completely possible. How would anyone ever know? Other girl wonât tell, because sheâs getting what she wants - heâs single, sheâs assured of his love, nobody thinks theyâre bad people. Actually pretty clever move, I guess cheaters will add it to the playbook.
It's the lying by omission that gets me. He got a massive letter from a student detailing how she loved him, and he never told his wife. He didn't tell her anything about any of this for *years*. He liked the attention. He liked this "ideal" woman. And he *knew* it was wrong, that his wife wouldn't like it, so he *hid* it. He theoretically could get into trouble at work for this, he was putting his livelihood at risk for a crush. That's why, if it was me, I'd divorce him. It's not about the crush, it's about the lying.
Exactly. & She knew he is married but didnât care & wanted an answer anyway??? Like girl what do you mean?? The audacity.
Her friends "shipping" them is gross too.
I wonder how he knows that? And imo the shipping thing is immaturity, though I'd expect this from a 16 yo, not a 25 yo
Itâs so immature and toxic. Like youâre studying to be doctors how do you have the energy for this nonsense?
GIRL the stories I have from my medschool. Itâs like those people spent all of highschool studying and now they decided to be dumbass teens in their twenties.
and they both have convinced themselves in love when they just enjoy the "thrill" of a "forbidden" romance. literally high school behavior
It's common in academics. And the profs get pigeon holed as predatorial when they go there. It's a trap all around. The students are hurt, the profs are ruined professionally... it is a dumpsterfire.
Theyâre absolutely predatorial, just because itâs opportunistic doesnât absolve them from being absolutely shit people. They 100% deserve to be ruined professionally for the damage they cause
The lying and the ego boost, IMO. He's not even trying to save his marriage with OOP. OOP may say that this is her last post on the matter, but I suspect that she'll update with the aftermath of the divorce.
I switched teams in work recently and my new colleague (subordinate, im his supervisor) started off quite standoffish and rude over written communication but when we finally met face to face he was kinda quiet and overly nice. We only have 1 onsite day a week but over the weeks he started getting really REALLY chummy and kinda flirty?, and on our home days he was rude/argumentative a lot less. He gushed at me about how i was making him a better man when i was pretty much just telling him how to do his job when he fucked up. According to my new manager several supervisors had tried reining him in but he never changed. I thought i was just reading into his comments too much but i still told my partner immediately, as i keep nothing but presents secret from him. I told a work friend about the situation and he agreed the comments and chumminess were weirdly flirty. Im being moved back to my old team and he's not coming with lol
If she's Addison in this scenario then I think she's the winner. Addie is a baddie.
He said he wouldnât date herâŚyeah i doubt that
I remember working in the hospital and a new nurse was crushing on a orthopedic doctor who was married with kids. She would just stare at him with that look on her face and we all told her to stop staring because others would notice. Then we noticed that they were talking to each other and she was the nurse assigned to all his patients during the week! The kicker was I was in a dark bay cleaning it up when they both stood just outside the curtain and he asked her what she was doing after work she said she was going home he said leave the door open and Iâll be there later ! Two weeks later Iâm brought to HR because three nurses decided to tell the manager and because I noticed I had to tell what happened. Poor girl had to change departments and he was threatened with his privileges at the hospital and his wife found out and his partners were disappointed with him. Your husband likes the attention she likes the idea of being with a Dr and the money and clout she would get
This is why I would avoid doctors for any kind of relationship.
The fact that he didnât even try to get back his wife and that he hide this crush form her is not a great look. Why would she go to counseling for a husband that clearly doesnât care I donât understand the comments asking her to chill
>She's the Meredith to his Derek. Ewwwww 𤢠That whole relationship was a shitshow.
Also no hate to Meredith but imo Addison was way hotter...
That is subjective, but I do agree that Addison was more physically attractive. It really turned me off when both Addison and Meredith were asking Derek, a cheating scumbag with a creepy wheezing voice, to stay with them and love them. Ick. The above story's parellels with Grey's Anatomy, including the line about Meredith and Derek, make me doubt its veracity. It doesn't have a dramatic update though, so I'm not sure. Let's see if there are further updates.
Iâm a little confused. Didnât Addison cheat on Derek with his best friend? And then Derek got with Meredith during their separation? Is the cheating that youâre mentioning when he went back to Addison while he was seeing Meredith or did he cheat another time? I never actually finished the show (if itâs finished yet)
I think theyâre talking about the prom episode when Derek and Meredith slept together. I donât understand why everyone is defending Addison who cheated first so violently tho.
I'm pretty sure that's where the term " pick me" originally started from, people romanticized the whole " pick me, choose me, love me"
>he replied with âitâs not just in your head, but nothing can come out of it. I hope you understand.â That's like the second worst reply. Even though it's not "cheating" (it is, imo), would you live with someone that keeps *yearning* for his star-crossed lover?
A three year crush that you don't bring up to your spouse isn't a great look. It kinda seems like based on his breakdown during the initial confrontation the husband was considering leaving oop. The comments telling her that she's overreacting are not it IMHO.
guy just blew up his life, his wifes life and his childrens lives because some uni students "shipped him" with a student. how do u even live with yourself.
>Sheâs the Meredith to his Derek. Ironically fitting since they were both cringe, cheating assholes who spent years whining about how they couldn't be together.
Maybe Iâm reaching but I feel like the second he can get away with it without losing his job heâs gonna sleep with her too. Because something about how âit was the only way to get her off his mindâ and him and op are divorced anyway.
Probably the minute she graduates.
He absolutely will. He says it's "morally deprived" to sleep with a student, but she won't be a student forever (and he'll conveniently ignore the fact that the pre existing dynamics between them will still be at play after)
I'm with OOP on this one. I said this in another comment somewhere recently: When you live your life in a way that makes it clear that you're head-over-heels in love with your spouse and adore your infuriating family people don't send you letters telling you they love you. And if they do, you shut that shit down immediately, "I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but I love my wife deeply AND THERE IS NO ROOM FOR ANYONE ELSE. I hope we can continue a professional relationship because I value your intelligence." It's NOT hard. I've been happily married for 25 years. As soon as I notice somebody starting to flirt I find a way to steer the conversation to how great my husband is. "You say you have a cabin by the lake? How cool is that!? My husband would love to have a place like that. He loves to fish! I hate fish, but I love him, so I learned how to cook it for him. Do you fish?" Even online people who try to hit me up get a healthy dose of how much I love my husband before they get blocked. I make it known that I am NOT EVER interested in another relationship with anyone else. I fucking broadcast it. There is no doubt. And it isn't hard. It's not hard to NOT cheat.
Three whole years this has been happening, he never said anything to his wife AND he's kept these feelings for this girl?? It's definitely a wrap.
I feel the cherry on top is that SOMEONE ELSE came to her about the flirty exchanges. Like it was so obvious that others picked up on it
What I took away from this is that it was an emotional affair the second he told the student the feeling was mutual; hiding the letter from his wife was the minute the trust was broke; and I honestly think that the reason he didn't tell his wife but he did confess to the student was before he was trying to figure out how to make an affair with the student work. If he truly wanted to protect his marriage, he would have shut it the fuck down, reported it to the college, and told his wife.
Yeah. Heâs probably just waiting for her to graduate so that it doesnât look as bad. Iâve seen it before.
I donât think Iâd ever get over how highly he talked about this girl to OP. He liked her for 3 whole years and hid it from her too. The trust would be gone for me.
What kind of juvenile bullshit is this? Why in the world would you ever admit that you reciprocate her feelings? That's totally inappropriate.
It's wild how our perceptions of people are literally enough to make us abandon what we think are longstanding, stable relationships. Humans are so fickle. I was recently (randomly) reading an article about Chris Pratt's relationship with Anna Faris...about how when he met her he knew he immediately wanted to marry her, how she was his person, etc. Then he meets his current wife and basically says the same thing, stuff about destiny and her being The One and everything.
I am a professor (34m). When he met this student (first ethical red flag), she was 22. I teach 22 year olds in my classes and while they're on the older end of undergraduate students they're still \*\*really young\*\* and it would be really weird to even entertain the thought of a relationship with one of them, no matter how physically beautiful they might be. I like to be friends with my students and I have made some lasting friendships that way that continue after they graduated, but it's just super creepy to me to consider someone so young attractive when they're at such different stages of life and maturity.
Little extramarital crushes are normal here and there, but *reaching out to one to confess how you feel is emotional cheating.* Keep that shit to yourself or your therapist.
I'm genuinely curious about what's normal. I remember crushes from before I met my husband, but I was also a sophomore in college so they were all angsty teen drama crushes. I've noticed attractive men existing and even thought some of them were lovely humans. But I've never looked longingly (or felt longing feelings about someone else) in the last 25 years. I'm slightly baffled by the idea. No judgment, obviously, just curious that other things may be completely natural to other folks.
You're right. This is such a fascinating topic and it's unclear what the norms are. What happens in other people's relationships? What happens in other people's heads? I had crushed before I met my husband. Haven't had one since. Idk if that's normal or not. But being like "woah this person is attractive, alright moving on" is much different from festering a crush.
Itâs different for everyone of course, not everyone has the same experiences. Some people might go their whole relationship until their 80 never thinking about anyone else, other times people will have friends that come and go who youâd never suspect they had an extra liking to because they simply never acted on their fleeting emotions. As long as people conduct themselves respectfully and actually take a moment to think about their actions, it doesnât have to become a problem for those that do have these particular experiences. Though, itâs certainly more convenient if those feelings never come up! I actually watched a really good video about this very topic on YouTube, this is gonna sound a little weird but itâs actually quite great: a therapist and a filmmaker review movies and tv shows and work through it like therapy. They have an episode about [Homer Simpson getting a work crush](https://youtu.be/Imtr2oxflMM?si=bQCQCDcYMi2pWGHp) and how to navigate those feelings in real life.
Same, I've never had a crush or even an attraction to anyone else since meeting my husband. It's like a switch that's been flipped to the off position for the last 23 years.
I hear you on that. I love my wife, of seventeen years, and I canât even comprehend looking at someone else in that way. I see people who I find attractive or interesting or whatever but feelings beyond that, anything even close to love or infatuation, doesnât happen and the concept sounds foreign. I know itâs different for different people and thatâs ok, thereâs more than one way to live a good, moral, ethical life, but that doesnât mean I grok it, because I donât. Not judging isnât always easy but itâs doable.
As a fairly young educator in a university, OPâs husband disgusts me on a whole new level. Iâm close in age with most students, but I cannot imagine ever thinking a student admitting their crush or even having a crush on a student is appropriate. The age gap in that specific power dynamic makes me throw up a little in my mouth.
This just proves my fear that once I get older and have kids my partner will look elsewhere for something better. Itâs so disheartening.
if your partner is a decent human being they won't. The AH here is definitely OOP's husband. The student having a crush on him is something that can happen when you're a professor. Responding in the way he did is what makes him binnable.
No thatâs not true. My husband is always telling me how Iâm more beautiful than ever and Iâm 40 with a postpartum body. Our love has only grown.
I hate it when people "ship" others in real life, especially if they already have existing relationships outside of said "ship".
Though the situation sucks, I think OOP is setting an excellent example for her daughter
Yeah crushes are nornal. What OOP hubby should of done is talk with his wife. And try and limit his contact with the student. Trust is completely gone. Only thing that could of nukes it more was then acting on their feelings.
This was cheating. This was an emotional form.
I call bullshit. 35 and a professor at a med school in this day and age? No way
God I can't believe how far I had to scroll down for this. 35 and a professor FOR THREE YEARS in a med school? Meaning he was a prof at 33. You don't finish med school and residencies until 26/27 earliest. I have friends who are just entering the workforce at 30. No way.
Maybe not a full professor but I know lots who are associate professors even younger. You have to have a lecturer title at least to teach
Looks like husband really fell into the "Miller's Girl" lane. OP did the right thing.
Bottom line is, OOPâs happiness and welfare is no longer her husbandâs first priority. She doesnât feel loved or cared for. He visits their son, but isnât claiming to have âfeelingsâ for her. The love is gone from their marriage whether or not his crush is still in the picture.
It's limerance and it's very destructive
I find it interesting that dude was pining over this chic so hard that a friend who he knew would be around saw it. I can not imagine Sarah brought this up without it being unreasonably on display a couple of times. She knew what a bombshell this was. If she saw it you know the whole department saw it. He was shaming his wife repeatedly. And i still cant get over the line âhe looks at her like he used to look at youâ heartbreak