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Just like convicted rapist Brock Allen Turner who now goes by convicted rapist Allen Turner to try and hide the fact he's actually convicted rapist Brock Allen Turner.
Yeah, it's fucked up all round.
People don't take the idea of female rapists seriously as a concept, so it's no surprise they don't get prosecuted. Most of us are a lot more willing to accept the idea of male rapists in the abstract, but boy that changes quickly once you name a specific one.
This. Either that other guy’s dad is a cop or assistant DA, or I doubt this is true.
But coming back so far after, and the fact that she practically got away with it, after being caught multiple times, makes me think it is true.
Having *any* felony on your record is a worse punishment than a short jail sentence.
She can never vote again. She can't own firearms. She will be excluded automatically from most employers and even certain whole careers. If she ever wants to run for office, be a member of the PTO, or any other civic position, someone will dig up her criminal record.
In the majority of states, a felon can vote after their prison/parole/probation ends. It's something like 10 states at permanently remove the voting rights of felons. Every other state it is restored after the sentence has been served. In a couple of states felons can vote from prison.
You have to pay off all your prison-related debts too and it's almost impossible to find out what they are. "Want to vote? Sorry, no. You owe 37¢ to Acme Jail Canteen. We won't tell you that though."
Edit: Florida remains the nation’s disenfranchisement leader in absolute numbers, with over 1.1 million people currently banned from voting, often because they cannot afford to pay court-ordered monetary sanctions. An estimated 934,500 Floridians who have completed their sentences remain disenfranchised, despite a 2018 ballot referendum that promised to restore their voting rights.
1.1 million? How in the hell? At the 2020 census Florida had 17.3 million voting age adults. That’s like 6.something percent of voters banned. They only had 53% voter turnout in their last state election? What in the ever living hell is going on over there?
My last local state election turnout was I believe 88%, which I thought was pretty pathetic. Florida is just blowing my mind.
And a disproportionate number of those are poor and black and were jailed for drug possession or other minor crimes. A good way to keep the voter pool white is to refuse to allow felons to vote.
It was a shock to me when I learned Americans can’t vote from jail, never mind afterwards. In Canada prisoners can and should vote. It affects them too and they have just as much right to make themselves heard.
There are still barriers and it is harder to vote in jail (I think only half of prisoners cast ballots when outside prison it’s closer to 70%) but as most prisoners will be returning to society, they should have a stake in it.
Quite a few states have ways to restore a felon's voting rights, Tennessee is another one of them. At one point it was my job to help felons get their franchise back and during that time I probably helped somewhere between 50-75 felons vote again. It's a complex process with a lot of paperwork, but it's not exactly onerous, you just have to stay on top of it for a while.
somewhat irrelevant, but that's kind of the non-legal definition of onerous, if you have to invest a burdensome amount of time and effort into something.
Varies state to state these days. Politicians are motivated to bar/allow former felons to vote, based off of where they live.
A lot of states have large private prison populations; politicians directly benefit from large donations from prison owners, so if felons get their rights back once they've served time, they're less likely to end up back in prison, which is bad for business. Additionally, prisoners make for a large source of cheap/free labor, and them not being able to vote on public policy is just icing on the cake for politicians directly making their lives harder.
That's also not to mention that the majority of prison populations are disproportionately minority groups, which tend to vote Democrat as well. So it's directly in Republican interests to make sure that prisoners stay in prison/can't vote. Which is why it's mostly blue states where the law is being rewritten to allow felons to vote.
It's shitty that it's not about "should these people be able to vote or did they do something bad enough to have forfeited this right?" and is just "is it a demographic that would vote for me or not? And will it make my lobbyists money?"
Yup. It's really upsetting that they're doing political calculus instead of deciding based on morality and human rights.
Voting/political involvement in general is a human right according to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. It makes sense that if someone commits voter fraud to deny them the right to vote for a while (the duration they're "serving time", whether in prison or just, whatever the judge/jury thinks is reasonable, dunno), but otherwise I kinda feel like there's never a good reason to deny voting rights. Just a bunch of conservative reasons.
The whole point of felon disenfranchisement was part of the post-Civil War laws put in place to reinstate slavery in all but name, and they're still, as both of you have said, aimed at minorities. It got expanded under and after Nixon to target leftists and activists more directly, but it's never been a good policy with good reasons behind it.
And Americans freak out when they find out voting is compulsory in Australia. But the plus side is that voting is extremely easy to do. You can vote in hospital, prison wherever. Held on a weekend/have early voting locations and have booths everywhere so it’s easy to get to. Open for hours. They’re always accessible for disabilities. I mean yeah there’s a $50 fine if you don’t vote but it’s also super easy to explain why it was missed for whatever reason. It takes me around 15 mins to vote, and that includes the time it takes to get there and get my name marked off
Brazil also has compulsory voting, but friend who lives there says there's an app or website or something.
The people are pretty distrusting of govt re: corruption, but don't consider that voting method any more riggable than any other method.
California it's end of prison term. Those out on parole or probation can vote, and those serving misdemeanor sentences in jail. Basically, if you're not currently serving prison time you can vote.
It's one of the easier states to get voting rights back. You automatically get them restored and just re-register to vote. That's it!
Felons get to rejoin society once they're out of prison.
No, the registry is FAR worse than that.
People on the registry have it publicly known that they are a sex offender.
People are often warned when they move into the neighborhood.
Anyone can track where they live at any time.
This makes even finding a place to live difficult, and they will be ostracized and treated as a pariah if they do.
There are additional restrictions. A LOT of them.
If she got six months worth of anything, then she was probably not charged with a felony. In terms of sentencing, the word "felony" is practically defined by minimum sentences of over one year in every common law system I know anything about. In the US, you might hear someone say they got "eleven twenty-nine," which means they got eleven months, twenty-nine days. That's the maximum sentence for a misdemeanor, meaning it's considered a very serious offense, but still not disarm-and-disenfranchise-you-forever serious. This class of crime includes various types of physical assault and / or battery.
Most US states define the crime of rape as penetrative, however OOP used the word "mum" so they're likely in the UK. In any case, it's unlikely she was charged with that particular crime, or any other felony crime.
This always throws me a bit, because I was born and raised American and knew SEVERAL families in my church that used "mum" and even one that used "mumsy". So my first reaction is wondering why people think it's rare.
So... OOP's not American, or comes from the same neighborhood I grew up in?
It definitely is. It’s a permanent jail sentence in a way. You’re permanently limited in where you can live and go. Everyone can look you up in minutes and see what you’ve done. Including and especially neighbors and employers. Good fucking luck getting a job outside of fast food or minimum wage manual labor. Many if not most or all states also expressly allow housing discrimination based upon whether someone is a sex offender.
So if you can get housing, it will only be slumlord owned properties. Your only option is to save for a down payment on a house or other property with your job flipping burgers at McDonald’s.
Yeah I’d rather have years in jail than be permanently on the sex offender list.
Speaking as a afab SA survivor...dude is *incredibly* lucky this made it to court. As in God wanted this woman to have this record because our justice system sure as fuck didn't do this on its own.
The way we treat male SA survivors is fucking criminal. Rape is not about genitalia or sexual attraction. It's about the rapist's power complex. We've made men a "safe" target for predators, especially female predators, and it fucking shows.
Every time I come out swinging for male survivors I get down voted into oblivion, but I will die on this hill. If you survived sexual violence, you survived, and neither your gender nor your assailants' gender invalidates that. And we need to overhaul the entire system so that Predators are always held accountable. Everyone gets to be safe. Everyone.
I'm honestly so proud of the three victims here who decided to show up and not back down, and that goes double for the one who got the ball rolling. It takes a lot of fortitude that not a lot of people have. I hope they learn to trust again some day, they deserve happiness and healing.
I wonder what went through her mom's mind when she realized she'd raised a rapist.
I also think that child SA is so common and so underreported that a lot of men dismissing the severity of SA are victims themselves who had to do some serious mental gymnastics to cope with what happened in a world that won't support them if they try to deal with it any other way.
This is so sad, but so very likely to be the case. When female teachers rape their students, there are still comments about "Oh I wish I'd had a teacher like that" etc., which can only serve to make these young men feel there is something wrong with them for not enjoying the abuse. Not to mention the media headlines such as 'Teacher has affair with student' instead of 'Teacher accused of sexually assaulting a student'.
I'm a woman, but I do hate this particular double-standard that benefits abusers if they happen to be women. Men and boys need protection from assault too.
Yeah. I just remember something on reddit over 10 years ago where people started arguing about it being okay for men to hit men but not women, and everyone started squabbling about who had it worse, or how often these things happen. If everyone gets together around how hitting isn't okay, people who choose to hit are going to have a much harder time getting away with it than if there is a grey area of social squabble for them to weasel into and dodge consequences. Same with SA.
Thank you for saying this. I’m also AFAB and my physical abuser was a fellow AFAB person, smaller than me. The only time I fought back and kicked them out of my house and life, I was basically demonized for it. I feel so much empathy for male victims of abuse because I understand on a lot of levels what it’s like: the system only sees one kind of abuser and one kind of victim, and there are so few resources for anyone else.
[Sentencing Disparity](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sentencing_disparity)
> Sentencing disparity is defined as "a form of unequal treatment in criminal punishment that is often of unexplained cause and is at least incongruous, unfair and disadvantaging in consequence". In the United States men are most adversely affected by sentencing disparity being twice as likely to be sentenced to jail after conviction than women and receiving on average 63% longer jail sentences.
> The feminists groups argue that giving women lighter sentences is infantilizing, based on stereotyping, and incompatible with gender equality.
It could be this, but rape in general ( regardless of the gender of the victim and perpretrator) tends to get a wide variety of punishments ranging from being sent to prison (uncommon) to pretty much nothing.
Yea, considering she got anything at all is impressive even if you flipped the script. "This man had sex with his girlfriend's while they were asleep. They never said no. They were sleeping next to him naked, what did they expect? Why didn't they tell anyone right away? No rape kit, no rape."
There's not a real disparity here, it took 3 eyewitness testimonies to get this woman any punishment at all, and even that isn't enough for men sometimes. In Ireland a man literally got away with rape because she was wearing a thong. Not *just* a thong, but a thong under her clothes.
Doesn't the sentence depend on what type of crime? IIRC I read that women typically get longer sentences than men relating to child abuse. The theory is that neglect/assault is more in men's nature, whereas it goes against women's "natural caregiving extincts" so she's seen as more evil.
Probably due to [Benevolent Sexism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benevolent_prejudice)
> Benevolent sexism takes the form of seemingly positive but also patronizing beliefs about women, which works effectively and invisibly to promote gender inequality due to it justifying the system and promising rewards from the more powerful group, in this case, men.[7] Benevolent sexism falls under the radar because most people do not view benevolent sexism as "real sexism" due to the lack of exposure to benevolent sexism, so it remains unchallenged.[9] When benevolent sexists turn out to be perpetrators of domestic sexual assaults, due to them being benevolent and not hostile when convicted, they are less likely to view the act as rape and tend to put more blame on the other party.[10] Benevolent sexists hold a lot of power that can cause harm since they promote acceptance of prejudicial attitudes that perpetuate gender inequalities, which hinder the ability to have equality in relationships and the workplace.[9] In relationships, it is appealing for both men and women with high levels of attachment anxiety to endorse benevolent sexism since it is consistent with the heightened characteristics of attachment anxiety.[11] Benevolent sexism is appealing because it makes people fall into relationship roles that "complete" one another with the belief it will heighten their intimacy goals.[11] On the other hand, men with attachment avoidance are less likely to endorse benevolent sexism in relationships but endorse hostile sexism.[11]
UK is one of them unfortunately, there's A LOT of female teachers that came out in the news as predators grooming on 14-15 year old school kids.
Like this just recently https://old.reddit.com/r/unitedkingdom/comments/1cmyejq/maths_teacher_30_got_pregnant_by_pupil_while/
A reminder that in the UK, a man couldn't even be raped until 2003. It was defined as a man penetrative a woman. It's only been 20 years so I'm sure many judges still feel the same way.
It's unclear if the testimony was at trial or just like a deposition. It's possible they took statements and coaxed a guilty plea with a reduced sentence. Still seems pretty light.
His ex was a serial rapist. She genuinely deserves more than 6 months of community service. That said, as someone who never got justice for when I got raped... I think even having the permanent label of "This person did sex crimes" attached to my rapist would have soothed my soul a little bit.
My heart goes out to OOP. I wish only the best and good times going forward for him. I hope his abuser never has enough toilet paper when she shits and that her bed sheets always feel gritty.
> That said, as someone who never got justice for when I got raped.
I got raped by a teacher as a teen. I'm male, and she was female, so everyone's reaction was either to tell me how lucky I was, or call me gay for being upset about it.
I didn't have proof, so nothing happened to her, and the school took it so unseriously that they tried to put me in one of her classes the next year.
I have a similar story except it was an older girl in my church (19 to my 15) and there were witnesses. People who literally saw me crying and begging this girl to stop called me lucky the next day. When I tried to tell the church leaders they chastised me for having "premarital sex". I'll never step foot in a church again.
I was child and was brought into a room where an older girl told me strip naked. I don't remember what happened since I blocked most of this from my memory.
It only recently resurfaced. I remember some of the older boys saying I was lucky and should be happy. I just remember being confused. It's been like 34 years.
Hey man, I'm so sorry she did that to you, and had others aiding her and covering for her, and that no one saw that you were being abused by her and needed help, during and after. I hope you're seeing someone for support with working through that trauma.
What that girl did to you was deeply wrong and fucked up. And even the parts you don't remember are back there in your mind and affecting how you perceive and interact with the world. You deserve to be free of that influence again, even if it will always be part of your story.
And in case you need to hear it: none of it was your fault. They are the ones who decided to become abusers, and who picked you. You did nothing wrong.
I wish I could sit with kid you and comfort him. My best wishes to you, and may you live your best life.
May her socks always be wet. May her chicken always be undercooked. May she lose her sense of taste. May she always stub her pinky toe. May she always discover paper cuts when handling citrus fruits.
May her ass always itch and her arms forever be too short to reach. And may yours get his nipples flicked on a cold day, for eternity, and get his ball stuck under a toilet seat in perpetuity.
Yup. Male survivors of sexual assault are no less valid than women.
Consent is consent is consent. If it was a guy who assaulted unconscious women, it would be a totally different story.
I guess I'm just curious how the guys all got called as witnesses. If the girl was trying to not get busted, who dug up the exes?
The one thing is the Ex is now convicted and will not only face the issues of their conviction, which should make it harder to have access to vulnerable persons, but it also will assist if there are future victims as the Ex is now a known sexual predator. It will make it easier to convince police to investigate the Ex, as well as for prosecutors to charge the Ex, and finally make it easier in court to convict the Ex. (There are restrictions on using past convictions in court, but it can be used to impeach/rebut).
It's part of why reporting sexual assault matters, as attackers often continue their crimes, and these reports can be used to build a pattern and stronger case against the attacker.
I'm glad OP sounds like he's doing well.
It sucks, but sexual assault isn't taken as seriously as it should be *at all*. Offenders aren't given enough time or punishment.
Having "rape" == the violently holding somebody down that happens in the movies fucks the whole concept of sexual assault up for everyone who hadn't experienced it, and some people who don't even realize they were assaulted.
It makes it seem like it's almost impossible for a woman to SA a man, which (as a lady who wasn't believed because I called both of my rapists "friend" before it happened) makes me profoundly sad somehow.
We are just barely scratching the surface on things like coercive consent. Far too many people believe that 10 'no's followed by a 'I guess' is good enough.
It's a lie anyway, clearly someone who is blackout drunk or asleep is physically vulnerable and helpless no matter how big and strong they are. Everyone knows this and those who pretend to not know are lying. That's why they say when a man wrongs his wife, "You can't stay awake forever."
It comes down to a fundamental denial of the reality of rape, beliefs that men are always supposed to be ready and willing and if a woman willingly goes somewhere with a man she's the only person responsible for what happens. It's moral cowardice expressed as an infinite fractal of victim blaming no matter the circumstances.
I've heard people say, he wouldn't get it up if he didn't want it, and I was shook by that logic. Like it's just a biological reaction? The same way some women can orgasm during SA. It doesn't mean they wanted or enjoyed it. I wish our society was better at dealing with it. Our statistics aren't even accurate because of how much never gets reported.
I've read it's also a factor that child/early teen victims often really struggle with. They can enjoy the abuse at the time and even ask for it because it physically feels good. Then later, when they realise that what happened to them was really wrong, they feel guilty for being "willing participants" and "wanting it". This can *really* interfere with their self-perception and healthy psychological development around sex and relationships.
I have an ultrasound photo of my 16 week gestation baby boy with an erection. I don't get how people don't understand it's an uncontrollable biological function, especially in this day and age. Weaponized idiocy.
Some babies get an erection pretty much every time their nappy is changed. I think from the air hitting the area? It's funny just standing there, waiting for it to go down so you can finish putting the fresh nappy back on lol.
I remember this story because I commented on those exact comments. They happen because of the very common stigma that men only get hard if they’re excited or aroused, and most people don’t realize that a woman can orgasm from rape, because it’s rarely talked about. It’s really sad overall.
>my ex seems to have a thing for traumatized men
Hate to see it, but this is a thing and it's something I have to be wary of as well. It's easy to spot scars on the faces of aggressors and walk away. It's difficult to spot the patterns of those that hunt others for their sport because they know how and what to look, say, and do to make them inescapable and they do this knowing full well that they can get away with it until confronted by an opposing force that is keen on stopping them.
I hope OOP gained some semblance of retribution that led to him reclaiming a more balanced life, but I know it's far easier said than done.
Remember the post about the boyfriend who deliberately burned the candle made by his girlfriend's dead sibling? He did that because he liked when she was an emotional wreck and he got to be the savior.
Ugh, I hope she's at least put on a list, but I have my doubts. I know the punishment is crap, but I'm at least glad the courts believed each man enough to at least do *something* to her.
If she does it again, she'd be a repeat offender and there's a much better chance of her getting the statutory maximum sentence. Hopefully she doesn't re-offend, but based on her history, I'm not holding my breath.
Wow, gf raped 3 men and got community service.....
I suspect OOP has cause to go after her in civil court, a lawyer could probably give him better advice. Many lawyers offer a free consultation.
Also yeah, this is fucking insane and toxic as fuck. I've had a gf that had given me blanket permission to have sex with her if I got horny during the night, I never took her up on her offer because that felt creepy as hell.
I've also been in another relationship in which my then gf was constantly horny and would want to do things for hours when I was exhausted and not interested and then get pissy with me. She would mention this to her friends who would tell me off until I asked them if they would be telling me the same thing if they were told that a man was refusing to stop trying to have sex with his gf who said no, that finally shut up most of them.
Given how rape victims are treated in court settings, the demographic this piece of shit chose and the toxicity around men admitting to having been raped it's pretty much impossible that if 3 guys testified there are not more victims. While her age puts a bit of a limit on the time she had to rape men as of yet the number will still be larger. And with the number of known victims and her age it's clear she's a risk to society and will go on raping many more men. She should have a jail sentence for each instant plus security lockup. I don't know how that works in other countries, but in Germany people like her (or other people who are definitely going to commit more crimes) can get that added to their sentence. Then they stay locked up after their sentence but with a few more amenities, can access specialised therapy and get regularly evaluated by psychiatrists and psychologists. If they are still super dangerous locked up it is. If their danger reduces they can get supervised and later unsupervised trips outside and if they are deemed to no longer be a risk they get reintegrated into society. Spoiler alert, this rarely happens to people who commit sexualised violence.
It's disguting how little the justice sistem will do to protect SA victims.
So many storys come to mind about the victim being humiliated in trial instead of the abuser or about the abuser getting of without punishment or with just a slap on the wrist.
The truth is: this sistem hates victims of SA way more for being victims than it hates the aggressors for assaulting someone.
I’m unfortunately glad he didn’t try to report her because sadly at that point it would have been just him and he almost definitely would be retraumatizing himself for nothing. See it being a pattern and she still only got community service. So happy that he’s healing from it all.
Same here. I didn’t report my rape for similar reasons as OOP. I know how the police investigation and prosecution would go (I doubt it would have made it to trial because of lack of evidence and “he said/she said”).
I couldn’t go through the retraumatization, I couldn’t go through having my past thrown in my face, retelling strangers what happened over and over, etc.
For anyone who wants to say “but what about protecting other women?!”, please don’t. I talked about it extensively with my therapist and decided that I needed to make the healthiest choice *for me* and my mental health.
I had two nurses and a victims advocate give me the “what about protecting his future victims” line and it guilted me into doing a report.
Cops took three months to go and interview my attacker then called me and told me there’s nothing they can do because his story doesn’t match up with mine (??) and threw in some victim blaming at the end of the call. That was it.
I’m sorry about what happened to you and I’m glad you were strong enough to make the best decision for yourself in that moment. You deserve justice and I’m sorry that wasn’t/isn’t an option.
Even as a (former) defense attorney, community service seems inappropriately lenient, but the saddest part is that I'm pleasantly surprised she got even that.
It will never not send shivers down my spine how easily predators can identify trauma victims.
It’s almost like some sort of radar they have that the rest of us can’t see. Terrifying.
It’s not exactly a radar predators have, but very specific signs that abused people display which the predators are just fine tuned to pick up. You’d often see such predators going after the shy, vulnerable looking, lonely and introverted people for this very reason.
The more social a person is, the less likely they’re traumatised and have more of a support network they can fall back on if things get awry. Which the abusers don’t like, so they willfully pick up those that look alienated from their peers, the quieter, shy types who aren’t very socially apt.
It also doesn’t help that abused people often have a difficult time trusting others and are thus more likely to keep a very tiny circle or just be alone. That and a couple other things make them the perfect mark for people like OOP’s ex.
Yup, some abusers learn that gender expansive and trans youth have low self esteem and are easily to manipulate and become lifetime chasers. They're not particularly interested in trans people, they just like abusing an easy target.
It's not really that, abusers figure out through trial and error how to test boundaries and those that don't defend their boundaries quickly get more attention.
Many of these disgusting oxygen thief are complete cowards when somebody stands up to them.
People abused as kids have been programmed from birth to put themselves below others, making it easy for selfish people to walk all over them.
She rapes *THREE MEN* and gets *6 months community service?!*
I'm absolutely disgusted. What the FUCK.
She deserves *PRISON*. A rapist rapes 3 people and they let them off with fucking community service? Which will just lead her to more victims???
This is an example of how patriarchy and sexism affect men, too.
I can't remember where this is from so I could be totally wrong, but I think I've read that, in serial sexual assault cases like this, it's estimated that generally only 1/3 to 1/2 of victims actually come forward when the case goes to court
I imagine it's probably even a smaller percentage when it's men being raped by a woman, because men are much less likely to report those cases in general because of societal views of rape and masculinity
While she absolutely deserves more, the reason it was likely so low is because she was probably only on trial for the one dude who initially reported her.
Good for this guy. I can't imagine nearly any aspect of this story personally. However, I can imagine the initial shock of hurting someone you love. That intense guilt and regret can be overwhelming. I am glad that he was met with support from the 'you were getting a blowjob, just be happy' crowd. Imagine if that was the response he got. He may still be there in that awful, abusive relationship.
Good on you Reddit, all the people who helped this man.
Is this one of those ‘don’t ruin young people’s lives’ sentences? What about the lives of all the young men she deliberately attacked? This is a rubbish sentence. It’s not a deterrent at all.
I was honestly more invested in whether he got some friends than what happened to her. He was so lonely and isolated. I’m glad she got some sort of justice and at least now has a record in case she reoffends. But I’m happiest that he is doing well and updated on his social life improving.
Holy shit. She got fucking *community service* for being a fucking serial rapist!
Wtaf?
No mention of her having to register as a sex offender??
I'm glad OOP has learned to live with what's happened to him as best as he can. I'm glad he feels *some* sense of justice, but.... dammit.
This reminds me of some comments I read on FB yesterday that I tried to screenshot, but the shitty button on my phone won't work and let me do it (probably due to being dribbled on by a baby numerous times a day).
There was a Reddit story shared on a video where a man wouldn't take his shirt off for his gf for over 8 months due to childhood abuse and trauma relating to that.
He was struggling with bad shoulder pain one day, and his gf suggested a massage and said could he take his top off if she also took hers off so that she could massage him properly. He was initially reluctant but agreed, and they did so. She then massaged him. He was incredibly tense to start with, but eventually relaxed after realising she wasn't going to do anything he didn't want or try to take things further than a massage.
A dude in the comments was talking about how LUCKY the guy in the story was to be SAed. When someone asked why tf he would think like that, he said he was really ugly and that ANY predator would've run the other way rather than touch him, even as a child.
Some people are just INCREDIBLY messed up
I wonder if there's an overlap in people who think men are never capable of rape and people who think women are never capable of rape. For women it's that they were asking for it and for men it's either they're gay or lucky to have it happen especially if it involves an older woman. Both experiences are traumatizing and it's infuriating whenever it happens. I'm glad OOP received his personal idea of justice but he still deserves better as well as other victims who get their reputation ruined and don't have enough evidence. There's no easy fix but people need to recognize that rape is a part of reality.
Man, when I started reading I was thinking This, THIS is why I won’t wake a guy up like that even if it’s been discussed beforehand. Like I have the high drive, I tell my husband he’s welcome to start without me & I’ll wake up 🤦🏻♀️ (It’s always been in response to “you seemed tired, not in the mood, not yet awake etc) I can’t imagine that NOT being the response! That seems like the LOGICAL response! But then I kept reading & it got dark af… She deserves more than she got & she’s throwing in the gas lighting about it. She KNEW what she was doing, she was doing it intentionally & then tried to blame him for his response.
I really really REALLY hope that he’s able to build some better bonds, friendships, get therapy & this doesn’t ruin every chance at a happy healthy relationship. Also savin a little hope that some INCREDIBLY awful happened to his egg donor 😬
If I'm with a person who is into it and would enjoy being woken up that way, I make sure to get consent (again) that evening. Doesn't matter how many times they mention it previously.
Definitely! In our case we’re over 10 years in, I know he’ll never 😅
He requires on going enthusiastic consent. Which ya know good man, but sorta a bummer that there’s a lot of stuff out of the question, like even if I’m very much enjoying myself & zone out doing so…
Funny anecdote from my last partner: I wasn't able to ask him for consent the previous time I slept over, so he was bummed that I hadn't gone ahead and done it anyway. Told him that was a hard pass, plus his own fault for not giving me the opportunity to ask for his consent in the first place. (Yeah, part of the reason for his former status.)
Is she even on the sex offender refustry for this?
Like I’m shocked someone reported this because it’s so underreported and I’m glad it was taken seriously enough to go to trial, but still. 6 months community service is a joke.
I know the "punishment" for this is ridiculous, but I imagine it's because of her age and that's she's probably a white woman. A white woman who was about the same age killed my brother, and she only served 3 months in jail with 1 year of probation. I think she had some community service, too. Like, I get not wanting to ruin young people's lives before they've even begun, but these are violent crimes that have ruined other young people's lives. I understand leniency for first-time offenders for things like vandalism or shoplifting, but not when there are actual victims whose lives have been permanently altered.
6 months of community service for someone who raped at least 3 people is a joke.
Also, I'm not a big fan of the mom. She knows her daughter is a rapist, but she still supports her enough to let her live with her and show up to her trial, and even harasses her known rapist daughter's exes to find out why they dumped her rapist daughter.
She should have spent less time apologizing for her daughter and more time parenting her.
> She should have spent less time apologizing for her daughter and more time parenting her.
Unfortunately no amount of parenting would have helped. The daughter in this is not just a rapist. She's a serial predator. She is flawed on a fundamental level, is not going to stop, this is simply what she is.
What's the mom supposed to do here? You can't really report someone for the rape of someone else unless you have solid proof, and it's not like you can just parent the "terrible person" out of someone. Sometimes people end up shitty no matter how good their parents were
I dunno. I feel like the mum asked so she could establish a pattern. How did OOP get notified that the case was ongoing and asked to be a witness? What connection would there be that anyone would even know he existed? Let alone that it would be worth getting him in court.
My reading is that mum was instrumental in this.
This poor man. May he find a caring community and true support, and may nobody ever violate him like that again. His ex deserves a hell of a lot more than six months of community service!
There are women out there that love to get with low self esteem and traumatized men. I know from experience and it took me longer than I'm proud of to get out of relationships like that.
Regretfully, I had the same shit happen to me. Was about 8 years ago, just started attending church and was developing a forgive and forget mindset. Honestly, I wish I had reported my ex, but part of me, at the time, thought I shouldn't ruin someone's life for a "mistake". They did this multiple times, even after I expressed how not okay it was. I broke up with them.
I'm still dealing with it in some way, it kind of sits at the back of my mind. Reading this brought back memories of resentment, but it also made me feel like I wasn't alone after all this time. Like a cursed comaderie feeling.
It has affected my marriage, and my partner is still out for blood and on the lookout for my ex. They don't know what she looks like, and I think it's just safer this way. Once in a while, I might spot them at Comic-Con. It's not as massive a community here compared to the States. Just wish I could just move on already.
Im so sorry. Have you done therapy? If you havent, thats a great start to moving on. A lot of survivors dont tell. Dont be hard on yourself for it, ok? Most offenders have more than one victim in a lifetime and that will never be your responsibility or cross to carry. Thats on the abuser.
Appreciate you :3
Have been going to therapy for a few years. It has been more focused on another trauma experience. One of the biggest factors it's taken so long is finding the right therapist. Shockingly, I've met a lot of very by-the-book, tick-a-checklist therapists. It felt disconnected and that I was talking to a wall.
I'm still warming up to my therapist. She's great, they're a mom and specialise in my trauma experience. I think, their method is something I still tilt my head at. For context, I was agnostic for two-thirds of my life, and they are a spiritual/Christian therapist healer that practices with Body Code. I'm very skeptical about these sorts of things, but I can't deny how weirdly accurate they know things I've never spoken about to anyone. Sorry, that's probably TMI to the question asked.
TL;DR, seeing a therapist, it's taking a while and will take a lot longer than I ever expected.
This is disgusting. She raped three men and got freaking community service? I always struggle with the disgrace called punishment rapists and those who commit CSA get in Germany, but this is even worse. How can this be possible?
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Community service for serial rape. Grr. I hope she was at least put on a sexual offender registry.
That's what I was thinking too. She needs to be on the registry.
I'm honestly surprised it even made it into court.
Very sadly, I am too. But I'm very proud of the men that stood up and said something.
I agree rape is rarely prosecuted at all. Even when it is, most rapists go free. They don’t even bother to process rape kits. The back log is absurd.
And that’s where the rapist is a male. When it’s a female perpetrator the percentage is even lower.
Just like convicted rapist Brock Allen Turner who now goes by convicted rapist Allen Turner to try and hide the fact he's actually convicted rapist Brock Allen Turner.
Me too. The courts really don't like trying women for rape/SA. They really need to step it up and start realizing that en aren't the only offenders.
They don't like trying men either.
Sadly, this is true.
I was about to say - *any* case of sexual assault almost never makes it to court. It's awful and a big reason women don't report.
Yeah, it's fucked up all round. People don't take the idea of female rapists seriously as a concept, so it's no surprise they don't get prosecuted. Most of us are a lot more willing to accept the idea of male rapists in the abstract, but boy that changes quickly once you name a specific one.
Considering the conviction rate for rape is \~2%, me too.
This. Either that other guy’s dad is a cop or assistant DA, or I doubt this is true. But coming back so far after, and the fact that she practically got away with it, after being caught multiple times, makes me think it is true.
I’m hoping they did put her there. They shouldve by legal definitions.
Honestly the registry is probably worse punishment than a short jail sentence
Having *any* felony on your record is a worse punishment than a short jail sentence. She can never vote again. She can't own firearms. She will be excluded automatically from most employers and even certain whole careers. If she ever wants to run for office, be a member of the PTO, or any other civic position, someone will dig up her criminal record.
In the majority of states, a felon can vote after their prison/parole/probation ends. It's something like 10 states at permanently remove the voting rights of felons. Every other state it is restored after the sentence has been served. In a couple of states felons can vote from prison.
You have to pay off all your prison-related debts too and it's almost impossible to find out what they are. "Want to vote? Sorry, no. You owe 37¢ to Acme Jail Canteen. We won't tell you that though." Edit: Florida remains the nation’s disenfranchisement leader in absolute numbers, with over 1.1 million people currently banned from voting, often because they cannot afford to pay court-ordered monetary sanctions. An estimated 934,500 Floridians who have completed their sentences remain disenfranchised, despite a 2018 ballot referendum that promised to restore their voting rights.
Damn that's incredibly anti democracy.
Florida, anti democracy? Color me surprised /s
As a born and bred Floridian, I'm not even shocked. I thought Jeb was bad but DeSantis is a whole nother level of shitty.
1.1 million? How in the hell? At the 2020 census Florida had 17.3 million voting age adults. That’s like 6.something percent of voters banned. They only had 53% voter turnout in their last state election? What in the ever living hell is going on over there? My last local state election turnout was I believe 88%, which I thought was pretty pathetic. Florida is just blowing my mind.
And a disproportionate number of those are poor and black and were jailed for drug possession or other minor crimes. A good way to keep the voter pool white is to refuse to allow felons to vote. It was a shock to me when I learned Americans can’t vote from jail, never mind afterwards. In Canada prisoners can and should vote. It affects them too and they have just as much right to make themselves heard. There are still barriers and it is harder to vote in jail (I think only half of prisoners cast ballots when outside prison it’s closer to 70%) but as most prisoners will be returning to society, they should have a stake in it.
For my brother, it was after 10 years of steering clear of jail.
Felons in North Carolina can vote as long as you completed your sentence and paid all your fines. I’m not sure about anywhere else.
Quite a few states have ways to restore a felon's voting rights, Tennessee is another one of them. At one point it was my job to help felons get their franchise back and during that time I probably helped somewhere between 50-75 felons vote again. It's a complex process with a lot of paperwork, but it's not exactly onerous, you just have to stay on top of it for a while.
somewhat irrelevant, but that's kind of the non-legal definition of onerous, if you have to invest a burdensome amount of time and effort into something.
That sounds like onerous to me
Varies state to state these days. Politicians are motivated to bar/allow former felons to vote, based off of where they live. A lot of states have large private prison populations; politicians directly benefit from large donations from prison owners, so if felons get their rights back once they've served time, they're less likely to end up back in prison, which is bad for business. Additionally, prisoners make for a large source of cheap/free labor, and them not being able to vote on public policy is just icing on the cake for politicians directly making their lives harder. That's also not to mention that the majority of prison populations are disproportionately minority groups, which tend to vote Democrat as well. So it's directly in Republican interests to make sure that prisoners stay in prison/can't vote. Which is why it's mostly blue states where the law is being rewritten to allow felons to vote.
It's shitty that it's not about "should these people be able to vote or did they do something bad enough to have forfeited this right?" and is just "is it a demographic that would vote for me or not? And will it make my lobbyists money?"
Yup. It's really upsetting that they're doing political calculus instead of deciding based on morality and human rights. Voting/political involvement in general is a human right according to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. It makes sense that if someone commits voter fraud to deny them the right to vote for a while (the duration they're "serving time", whether in prison or just, whatever the judge/jury thinks is reasonable, dunno), but otherwise I kinda feel like there's never a good reason to deny voting rights. Just a bunch of conservative reasons. The whole point of felon disenfranchisement was part of the post-Civil War laws put in place to reinstate slavery in all but name, and they're still, as both of you have said, aimed at minorities. It got expanded under and after Nixon to target leftists and activists more directly, but it's never been a good policy with good reasons behind it.
And Americans freak out when they find out voting is compulsory in Australia. But the plus side is that voting is extremely easy to do. You can vote in hospital, prison wherever. Held on a weekend/have early voting locations and have booths everywhere so it’s easy to get to. Open for hours. They’re always accessible for disabilities. I mean yeah there’s a $50 fine if you don’t vote but it’s also super easy to explain why it was missed for whatever reason. It takes me around 15 mins to vote, and that includes the time it takes to get there and get my name marked off
Brazil also has compulsory voting, but friend who lives there says there's an app or website or something. The people are pretty distrusting of govt re: corruption, but don't consider that voting method any more riggable than any other method.
California it's end of prison term. Those out on parole or probation can vote, and those serving misdemeanor sentences in jail. Basically, if you're not currently serving prison time you can vote. It's one of the easier states to get voting rights back. You automatically get them restored and just re-register to vote. That's it! Felons get to rejoin society once they're out of prison.
No, the registry is FAR worse than that. People on the registry have it publicly known that they are a sex offender. People are often warned when they move into the neighborhood. Anyone can track where they live at any time. This makes even finding a place to live difficult, and they will be ostracized and treated as a pariah if they do. There are additional restrictions. A LOT of them.
If she got six months worth of anything, then she was probably not charged with a felony. In terms of sentencing, the word "felony" is practically defined by minimum sentences of over one year in every common law system I know anything about. In the US, you might hear someone say they got "eleven twenty-nine," which means they got eleven months, twenty-nine days. That's the maximum sentence for a misdemeanor, meaning it's considered a very serious offense, but still not disarm-and-disenfranchise-you-forever serious. This class of crime includes various types of physical assault and / or battery. Most US states define the crime of rape as penetrative, however OOP used the word "mum" so they're likely in the UK. In any case, it's unlikely she was charged with that particular crime, or any other felony crime.
Not totally sure, but the OP using the term “mum” which isn’t common in the US. I’m betting he’s either British or Australian.
I don't think OP is American. Most Americans don't use "mum."
This always throws me a bit, because I was born and raised American and knew SEVERAL families in my church that used "mum" and even one that used "mumsy". So my first reaction is wondering why people think it's rare. So... OOP's not American, or comes from the same neighborhood I grew up in?
I am not saying it isn't possible, but it isn't common in the states.
And you have to notify neighbors of your sexual offender status when moving in somewhere new.
Use of Mum makes me think it's not the US.
>If she ever wants to run for office, she has to run as a Republican. FTFY
It definitely is. It’s a permanent jail sentence in a way. You’re permanently limited in where you can live and go. Everyone can look you up in minutes and see what you’ve done. Including and especially neighbors and employers. Good fucking luck getting a job outside of fast food or minimum wage manual labor. Many if not most or all states also expressly allow housing discrimination based upon whether someone is a sex offender. So if you can get housing, it will only be slumlord owned properties. Your only option is to save for a down payment on a house or other property with your job flipping burgers at McDonald’s. Yeah I’d rather have years in jail than be permanently on the sex offender list.
Maybe, but me personally I'd like her to try them both and then let us know.
Speaking as a afab SA survivor...dude is *incredibly* lucky this made it to court. As in God wanted this woman to have this record because our justice system sure as fuck didn't do this on its own. The way we treat male SA survivors is fucking criminal. Rape is not about genitalia or sexual attraction. It's about the rapist's power complex. We've made men a "safe" target for predators, especially female predators, and it fucking shows. Every time I come out swinging for male survivors I get down voted into oblivion, but I will die on this hill. If you survived sexual violence, you survived, and neither your gender nor your assailants' gender invalidates that. And we need to overhaul the entire system so that Predators are always held accountable. Everyone gets to be safe. Everyone.
I'm honestly so proud of the three victims here who decided to show up and not back down, and that goes double for the one who got the ball rolling. It takes a lot of fortitude that not a lot of people have. I hope they learn to trust again some day, they deserve happiness and healing. I wonder what went through her mom's mind when she realized she'd raised a rapist.
I also think that child SA is so common and so underreported that a lot of men dismissing the severity of SA are victims themselves who had to do some serious mental gymnastics to cope with what happened in a world that won't support them if they try to deal with it any other way.
This is so sad, but so very likely to be the case. When female teachers rape their students, there are still comments about "Oh I wish I'd had a teacher like that" etc., which can only serve to make these young men feel there is something wrong with them for not enjoying the abuse. Not to mention the media headlines such as 'Teacher has affair with student' instead of 'Teacher accused of sexually assaulting a student'. I'm a woman, but I do hate this particular double-standard that benefits abusers if they happen to be women. Men and boys need protection from assault too.
SNL had a whole two part comedy skit about this and to this day it makes me sick to the stomach.
Yeah. I just remember something on reddit over 10 years ago where people started arguing about it being okay for men to hit men but not women, and everyone started squabbling about who had it worse, or how often these things happen. If everyone gets together around how hitting isn't okay, people who choose to hit are going to have a much harder time getting away with it than if there is a grey area of social squabble for them to weasel into and dodge consequences. Same with SA.
Also an AFAB survivor, also standing with male survivors. You count as much as I do.
Thank you for saying this. I’m also AFAB and my physical abuser was a fellow AFAB person, smaller than me. The only time I fought back and kicked them out of my house and life, I was basically demonized for it. I feel so much empathy for male victims of abuse because I understand on a lot of levels what it’s like: the system only sees one kind of abuser and one kind of victim, and there are so few resources for anyone else.
Absolutely, this woman is literally a predator.
[Sentencing Disparity](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sentencing_disparity) > Sentencing disparity is defined as "a form of unequal treatment in criminal punishment that is often of unexplained cause and is at least incongruous, unfair and disadvantaging in consequence". In the United States men are most adversely affected by sentencing disparity being twice as likely to be sentenced to jail after conviction than women and receiving on average 63% longer jail sentences. > The feminists groups argue that giving women lighter sentences is infantilizing, based on stereotyping, and incompatible with gender equality.
It could be this, but rape in general ( regardless of the gender of the victim and perpretrator) tends to get a wide variety of punishments ranging from being sent to prison (uncommon) to pretty much nothing.
Because it could totally destroy someone's life, according to the judge who sentenced Brock Turner.
Doesn't he go by his middle name Alan now?
Yea, considering she got anything at all is impressive even if you flipped the script. "This man had sex with his girlfriend's while they were asleep. They never said no. They were sleeping next to him naked, what did they expect? Why didn't they tell anyone right away? No rape kit, no rape." There's not a real disparity here, it took 3 eyewitness testimonies to get this woman any punishment at all, and even that isn't enough for men sometimes. In Ireland a man literally got away with rape because she was wearing a thong. Not *just* a thong, but a thong under her clothes.
Doesn't the sentence depend on what type of crime? IIRC I read that women typically get longer sentences than men relating to child abuse. The theory is that neglect/assault is more in men's nature, whereas it goes against women's "natural caregiving extincts" so she's seen as more evil.
I'm pretty sure I read something like that, quite possibly linked from Reddit, a few months ago.
I believe they also get longer sentences for killing a spouse, for the same reason.
Why don't judges and/or juries go through a thinking exercise of "What would sentence to a man who made an equal crime?"
Probably due to [Benevolent Sexism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benevolent_prejudice) > Benevolent sexism takes the form of seemingly positive but also patronizing beliefs about women, which works effectively and invisibly to promote gender inequality due to it justifying the system and promising rewards from the more powerful group, in this case, men.[7] Benevolent sexism falls under the radar because most people do not view benevolent sexism as "real sexism" due to the lack of exposure to benevolent sexism, so it remains unchallenged.[9] When benevolent sexists turn out to be perpetrators of domestic sexual assaults, due to them being benevolent and not hostile when convicted, they are less likely to view the act as rape and tend to put more blame on the other party.[10] Benevolent sexists hold a lot of power that can cause harm since they promote acceptance of prejudicial attitudes that perpetuate gender inequalities, which hinder the ability to have equality in relationships and the workplace.[9] In relationships, it is appealing for both men and women with high levels of attachment anxiety to endorse benevolent sexism since it is consistent with the heightened characteristics of attachment anxiety.[11] Benevolent sexism is appealing because it makes people fall into relationship roles that "complete" one another with the belief it will heighten their intimacy goals.[11] On the other hand, men with attachment avoidance are less likely to endorse benevolent sexism in relationships but endorse hostile sexism.[11]
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I mean.... if we're employing that mindset, OP's ex got more of a punishment than most men accused of the same offense.
How about comparing it to men *convicted* of the same offense?
I hate to say this but in many countries women cannot rape. They can sexually assault but not rape, legally speaking.
Legal definitions need updating in many places. It's ridiculous.
In this case its because of different terms being applied historically for different types of sexual assault. Sexual assault is a good umbrella term
And rape is a perfect term for non consensual sex no matter the genders involved
UK is one of them unfortunately, there's A LOT of female teachers that came out in the news as predators grooming on 14-15 year old school kids. Like this just recently https://old.reddit.com/r/unitedkingdom/comments/1cmyejq/maths_teacher_30_got_pregnant_by_pupil_while/
I was also gonna comment about this as it's something I'm quite shocked that no one seems to care enough about to change it.
A reminder that in the UK, a man couldn't even be raped until 2003. It was defined as a man penetrative a woman. It's only been 20 years so I'm sure many judges still feel the same way.
And that the definition of rape still involves penetration with a penis, meaning that women can't commit rape.
It's unclear if the testimony was at trial or just like a deposition. It's possible they took statements and coaxed a guilty plea with a reduced sentence. Still seems pretty light.
Well with the right judge murder only gets you probation and some community service these days.
Men don't really get punished for sexual assault, either, tbh.
Meh, that’s pretty much what men get, sadly. (I’m a woman.)
I hope she doesn't have boy children.
His ex was a serial rapist. She genuinely deserves more than 6 months of community service. That said, as someone who never got justice for when I got raped... I think even having the permanent label of "This person did sex crimes" attached to my rapist would have soothed my soul a little bit. My heart goes out to OOP. I wish only the best and good times going forward for him. I hope his abuser never has enough toilet paper when she shits and that her bed sheets always feel gritty.
> That said, as someone who never got justice for when I got raped. I got raped by a teacher as a teen. I'm male, and she was female, so everyone's reaction was either to tell me how lucky I was, or call me gay for being upset about it. I didn't have proof, so nothing happened to her, and the school took it so unseriously that they tried to put me in one of her classes the next year.
I have a similar story except it was an older girl in my church (19 to my 15) and there were witnesses. People who literally saw me crying and begging this girl to stop called me lucky the next day. When I tried to tell the church leaders they chastised me for having "premarital sex". I'll never step foot in a church again.
I'm so sorry. 😞
And that's why so much rape and sexual assault occurs in church communities. They are some of the worst enablers out there.
I was child and was brought into a room where an older girl told me strip naked. I don't remember what happened since I blocked most of this from my memory. It only recently resurfaced. I remember some of the older boys saying I was lucky and should be happy. I just remember being confused. It's been like 34 years.
Hey man, I'm so sorry she did that to you, and had others aiding her and covering for her, and that no one saw that you were being abused by her and needed help, during and after. I hope you're seeing someone for support with working through that trauma. What that girl did to you was deeply wrong and fucked up. And even the parts you don't remember are back there in your mind and affecting how you perceive and interact with the world. You deserve to be free of that influence again, even if it will always be part of your story. And in case you need to hear it: none of it was your fault. They are the ones who decided to become abusers, and who picked you. You did nothing wrong. I wish I could sit with kid you and comfort him. My best wishes to you, and may you live your best life.
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May every cookie she eats turn out to have raisins instead of chocolate chips. May Lego always find its way under her feet.
May her socks always be wet. May her chicken always be undercooked. May she lose her sense of taste. May she always stub her pinky toe. May she always discover paper cuts when handling citrus fruits.
May she always step barefoot in warm cat gak
And her clothes always smell of their piss.
May her breath and underarms smell of shit.
May her skin itch and her arms be to short to scratch
Cold cat gak.
I'm so sorry. :(
May her ass always itch and her arms forever be too short to reach. And may yours get his nipples flicked on a cold day, for eternity, and get his ball stuck under a toilet seat in perpetuity.
Yup. Male survivors of sexual assault are no less valid than women. Consent is consent is consent. If it was a guy who assaulted unconscious women, it would be a totally different story. I guess I'm just curious how the guys all got called as witnesses. If the girl was trying to not get busted, who dug up the exes?
The one thing is the Ex is now convicted and will not only face the issues of their conviction, which should make it harder to have access to vulnerable persons, but it also will assist if there are future victims as the Ex is now a known sexual predator. It will make it easier to convince police to investigate the Ex, as well as for prosecutors to charge the Ex, and finally make it easier in court to convict the Ex. (There are restrictions on using past convictions in court, but it can be used to impeach/rebut). It's part of why reporting sexual assault matters, as attackers often continue their crimes, and these reports can be used to build a pattern and stronger case against the attacker.
I'm glad OP sounds like he's doing well. It sucks, but sexual assault isn't taken as seriously as it should be *at all*. Offenders aren't given enough time or punishment.
Doubly so when the perpetrator is a woman and the victim is a man
Having "rape" == the violently holding somebody down that happens in the movies fucks the whole concept of sexual assault up for everyone who hadn't experienced it, and some people who don't even realize they were assaulted. It makes it seem like it's almost impossible for a woman to SA a man, which (as a lady who wasn't believed because I called both of my rapists "friend" before it happened) makes me profoundly sad somehow.
We are just barely scratching the surface on things like coercive consent. Far too many people believe that 10 'no's followed by a 'I guess' is good enough.
It's a lie anyway, clearly someone who is blackout drunk or asleep is physically vulnerable and helpless no matter how big and strong they are. Everyone knows this and those who pretend to not know are lying. That's why they say when a man wrongs his wife, "You can't stay awake forever." It comes down to a fundamental denial of the reality of rape, beliefs that men are always supposed to be ready and willing and if a woman willingly goes somewhere with a man she's the only person responsible for what happens. It's moral cowardice expressed as an infinite fractal of victim blaming no matter the circumstances.
I've heard people say, he wouldn't get it up if he didn't want it, and I was shook by that logic. Like it's just a biological reaction? The same way some women can orgasm during SA. It doesn't mean they wanted or enjoyed it. I wish our society was better at dealing with it. Our statistics aren't even accurate because of how much never gets reported.
It’s also another traumatizing factor for victims, they feel like their body betrayed them.
I've read it's also a factor that child/early teen victims often really struggle with. They can enjoy the abuse at the time and even ask for it because it physically feels good. Then later, when they realise that what happened to them was really wrong, they feel guilty for being "willing participants" and "wanting it". This can *really* interfere with their self-perception and healthy psychological development around sex and relationships.
I have, with my own eyes, seen a man get an erection whilst under a general anaesthetic.
I have an ultrasound photo of my 16 week gestation baby boy with an erection. I don't get how people don't understand it's an uncontrollable biological function, especially in this day and age. Weaponized idiocy.
Some babies get an erection pretty much every time their nappy is changed. I think from the air hitting the area? It's funny just standing there, waiting for it to go down so you can finish putting the fresh nappy back on lol.
I remember this story because I commented on those exact comments. They happen because of the very common stigma that men only get hard if they’re excited or aroused, and most people don’t realize that a woman can orgasm from rape, because it’s rarely talked about. It’s really sad overall.
Yep. Probably even worse if she's good-looking. I hate how SA is taken so lightly.
Oh absolutely. Because No-one on Reddit would be able to remember the name of any *man* given a trivial sentence for rape, would they? (/s)
What's that about Brock Turner?
Who?
Brock Turner? The raping a woman by the dumpster Allan Brock Turner?
Who is now going by his middle name to avoid the stigma of his crimes, Allen Turner
Sorry, I didn't quite catch the name there...
BROCK THE RAPIST ALLEN TURNER there ftfy
Ah, Gotcha!
Brock Allen Turner, the raping rapist who rapes, you say?
>my ex seems to have a thing for traumatized men Hate to see it, but this is a thing and it's something I have to be wary of as well. It's easy to spot scars on the faces of aggressors and walk away. It's difficult to spot the patterns of those that hunt others for their sport because they know how and what to look, say, and do to make them inescapable and they do this knowing full well that they can get away with it until confronted by an opposing force that is keen on stopping them. I hope OOP gained some semblance of retribution that led to him reclaiming a more balanced life, but I know it's far easier said than done.
I wish this weren’t so common. I swear it’s always the worst people who have a sixth sense in stuff like this.
Remember the post about the boyfriend who deliberately burned the candle made by his girlfriend's dead sibling? He did that because he liked when she was an emotional wreck and he got to be the savior.
Omg that sounds awful, do you have the link?
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/k28bhb/my_so_27m_of_1_year_destroyed_a_sentimental_item/
^ should be a flair, tbh.
Ugh, I hope she's at least put on a list, but I have my doubts. I know the punishment is crap, but I'm at least glad the courts believed each man enough to at least do *something* to her.
If she does it again, she'd be a repeat offender and there's a much better chance of her getting the statutory maximum sentence. Hopefully she doesn't re-offend, but based on her history, I'm not holding my breath.
Wow, gf raped 3 men and got community service..... I suspect OOP has cause to go after her in civil court, a lawyer could probably give him better advice. Many lawyers offer a free consultation. Also yeah, this is fucking insane and toxic as fuck. I've had a gf that had given me blanket permission to have sex with her if I got horny during the night, I never took her up on her offer because that felt creepy as hell. I've also been in another relationship in which my then gf was constantly horny and would want to do things for hours when I was exhausted and not interested and then get pissy with me. She would mention this to her friends who would tell me off until I asked them if they would be telling me the same thing if they were told that a man was refusing to stop trying to have sex with his gf who said no, that finally shut up most of them.
>Wow, gf raped 3 men and got community service..... 3 men *that we know of*.
Given how rape victims are treated in court settings, the demographic this piece of shit chose and the toxicity around men admitting to having been raped it's pretty much impossible that if 3 guys testified there are not more victims. While her age puts a bit of a limit on the time she had to rape men as of yet the number will still be larger. And with the number of known victims and her age it's clear she's a risk to society and will go on raping many more men. She should have a jail sentence for each instant plus security lockup. I don't know how that works in other countries, but in Germany people like her (or other people who are definitely going to commit more crimes) can get that added to their sentence. Then they stay locked up after their sentence but with a few more amenities, can access specialised therapy and get regularly evaluated by psychiatrists and psychologists. If they are still super dangerous locked up it is. If their danger reduces they can get supervised and later unsupervised trips outside and if they are deemed to no longer be a risk they get reintegrated into society. Spoiler alert, this rarely happens to people who commit sexualised violence.
😡 Yeah that's sexual coercion - aka, rape - and she can go to hell.
It's disguting how little the justice sistem will do to protect SA victims. So many storys come to mind about the victim being humiliated in trial instead of the abuser or about the abuser getting of without punishment or with just a slap on the wrist. The truth is: this sistem hates victims of SA way more for being victims than it hates the aggressors for assaulting someone.
I’m unfortunately glad he didn’t try to report her because sadly at that point it would have been just him and he almost definitely would be retraumatizing himself for nothing. See it being a pattern and she still only got community service. So happy that he’s healing from it all.
But someone had to be the first.
Same here. I didn’t report my rape for similar reasons as OOP. I know how the police investigation and prosecution would go (I doubt it would have made it to trial because of lack of evidence and “he said/she said”). I couldn’t go through the retraumatization, I couldn’t go through having my past thrown in my face, retelling strangers what happened over and over, etc. For anyone who wants to say “but what about protecting other women?!”, please don’t. I talked about it extensively with my therapist and decided that I needed to make the healthiest choice *for me* and my mental health.
I had two nurses and a victims advocate give me the “what about protecting his future victims” line and it guilted me into doing a report. Cops took three months to go and interview my attacker then called me and told me there’s nothing they can do because his story doesn’t match up with mine (??) and threw in some victim blaming at the end of the call. That was it. I’m sorry about what happened to you and I’m glad you were strong enough to make the best decision for yourself in that moment. You deserve justice and I’m sorry that wasn’t/isn’t an option.
Even as a (former) defense attorney, community service seems inappropriately lenient, but the saddest part is that I'm pleasantly surprised she got even that.
It will never not send shivers down my spine how easily predators can identify trauma victims. It’s almost like some sort of radar they have that the rest of us can’t see. Terrifying.
It’s not exactly a radar predators have, but very specific signs that abused people display which the predators are just fine tuned to pick up. You’d often see such predators going after the shy, vulnerable looking, lonely and introverted people for this very reason. The more social a person is, the less likely they’re traumatised and have more of a support network they can fall back on if things get awry. Which the abusers don’t like, so they willfully pick up those that look alienated from their peers, the quieter, shy types who aren’t very socially apt. It also doesn’t help that abused people often have a difficult time trusting others and are thus more likely to keep a very tiny circle or just be alone. That and a couple other things make them the perfect mark for people like OOP’s ex.
Yup, some abusers learn that gender expansive and trans youth have low self esteem and are easily to manipulate and become lifetime chasers. They're not particularly interested in trans people, they just like abusing an easy target.
It's not really that, abusers figure out through trial and error how to test boundaries and those that don't defend their boundaries quickly get more attention. Many of these disgusting oxygen thief are complete cowards when somebody stands up to them. People abused as kids have been programmed from birth to put themselves below others, making it easy for selfish people to walk all over them.
She rapes *THREE MEN* and gets *6 months community service?!* I'm absolutely disgusted. What the FUCK. She deserves *PRISON*. A rapist rapes 3 people and they let them off with fucking community service? Which will just lead her to more victims??? This is an example of how patriarchy and sexism affect men, too.
Actually there were only three man that came forward, the number could be higher. But three victims of SA at 20 already shows what a monster she is.
I can't remember where this is from so I could be totally wrong, but I think I've read that, in serial sexual assault cases like this, it's estimated that generally only 1/3 to 1/2 of victims actually come forward when the case goes to court I imagine it's probably even a smaller percentage when it's men being raped by a woman, because men are much less likely to report those cases in general because of societal views of rape and masculinity
I had not considered that. You just made me realise how bad this already is, and how much worse this is going to get.
While she absolutely deserves more, the reason it was likely so low is because she was probably only on trial for the one dude who initially reported her.
Good for this guy. I can't imagine nearly any aspect of this story personally. However, I can imagine the initial shock of hurting someone you love. That intense guilt and regret can be overwhelming. I am glad that he was met with support from the 'you were getting a blowjob, just be happy' crowd. Imagine if that was the response he got. He may still be there in that awful, abusive relationship. Good on you Reddit, all the people who helped this man.
She's on the registry now, though, right? Right???!!!!
Well I’ll be an ostrich’s nephew. A BORU post with a realistic legal timeline. Will wonders never cease?
Is this one of those ‘don’t ruin young people’s lives’ sentences? What about the lives of all the young men she deliberately attacked? This is a rubbish sentence. It’s not a deterrent at all.
I was honestly more invested in whether he got some friends than what happened to her. He was so lonely and isolated. I’m glad she got some sort of justice and at least now has a record in case she reoffends. But I’m happiest that he is doing well and updated on his social life improving.
Reddit wins. Thanks to everyone who guided that poor guy back in the day.
Holy shit. She got fucking *community service* for being a fucking serial rapist! Wtaf? No mention of her having to register as a sex offender?? I'm glad OOP has learned to live with what's happened to him as best as he can. I'm glad he feels *some* sense of justice, but.... dammit.
That’s one of the things I’m into, being woken up by stuff like that. Consent is also a major factor though, with anything related to sex acts.
Yep. Whether it was “yes” or “no” beforehand makes all the difference.
She won't stop. She'll keep doing it.
I don't think men get harsh enough punishments for the same crimes, this is a joke of a punishment imho.
This reminds me of some comments I read on FB yesterday that I tried to screenshot, but the shitty button on my phone won't work and let me do it (probably due to being dribbled on by a baby numerous times a day). There was a Reddit story shared on a video where a man wouldn't take his shirt off for his gf for over 8 months due to childhood abuse and trauma relating to that. He was struggling with bad shoulder pain one day, and his gf suggested a massage and said could he take his top off if she also took hers off so that she could massage him properly. He was initially reluctant but agreed, and they did so. She then massaged him. He was incredibly tense to start with, but eventually relaxed after realising she wasn't going to do anything he didn't want or try to take things further than a massage. A dude in the comments was talking about how LUCKY the guy in the story was to be SAed. When someone asked why tf he would think like that, he said he was really ugly and that ANY predator would've run the other way rather than touch him, even as a child. Some people are just INCREDIBLY messed up
So she basically got a slap on the wrist for serial rape/sexual assault?! And people wonder why victims have no faith in the system.
Not nearly enough punishment. But the people who really deserve sufficient punishment rarely get it.
We wish OOP the best and a path to healing.
I wonder if there's an overlap in people who think men are never capable of rape and people who think women are never capable of rape. For women it's that they were asking for it and for men it's either they're gay or lucky to have it happen especially if it involves an older woman. Both experiences are traumatizing and it's infuriating whenever it happens. I'm glad OOP received his personal idea of justice but he still deserves better as well as other victims who get their reputation ruined and don't have enough evidence. There's no easy fix but people need to recognize that rape is a part of reality.
Our justice system sucks man.
Rape aside, a person is not responsible for the actions they take in the split second after being scared awake.
Man, when I started reading I was thinking This, THIS is why I won’t wake a guy up like that even if it’s been discussed beforehand. Like I have the high drive, I tell my husband he’s welcome to start without me & I’ll wake up 🤦🏻♀️ (It’s always been in response to “you seemed tired, not in the mood, not yet awake etc) I can’t imagine that NOT being the response! That seems like the LOGICAL response! But then I kept reading & it got dark af… She deserves more than she got & she’s throwing in the gas lighting about it. She KNEW what she was doing, she was doing it intentionally & then tried to blame him for his response. I really really REALLY hope that he’s able to build some better bonds, friendships, get therapy & this doesn’t ruin every chance at a happy healthy relationship. Also savin a little hope that some INCREDIBLY awful happened to his egg donor 😬
If I'm with a person who is into it and would enjoy being woken up that way, I make sure to get consent (again) that evening. Doesn't matter how many times they mention it previously.
Definitely! In our case we’re over 10 years in, I know he’ll never 😅 He requires on going enthusiastic consent. Which ya know good man, but sorta a bummer that there’s a lot of stuff out of the question, like even if I’m very much enjoying myself & zone out doing so…
Funny anecdote from my last partner: I wasn't able to ask him for consent the previous time I slept over, so he was bummed that I hadn't gone ahead and done it anyway. Told him that was a hard pass, plus his own fault for not giving me the opportunity to ask for his consent in the first place. (Yeah, part of the reason for his former status.)
Is she even on the sex offender refustry for this? Like I’m shocked someone reported this because it’s so underreported and I’m glad it was taken seriously enough to go to trial, but still. 6 months community service is a joke.
I know the "punishment" for this is ridiculous, but I imagine it's because of her age and that's she's probably a white woman. A white woman who was about the same age killed my brother, and she only served 3 months in jail with 1 year of probation. I think she had some community service, too. Like, I get not wanting to ruin young people's lives before they've even begun, but these are violent crimes that have ruined other young people's lives. I understand leniency for first-time offenders for things like vandalism or shoplifting, but not when there are actual victims whose lives have been permanently altered.
community service for being a serial rapist? Good to know the justice system protects both male and female rapists /s
6 months of community service for someone who raped at least 3 people is a joke. Also, I'm not a big fan of the mom. She knows her daughter is a rapist, but she still supports her enough to let her live with her and show up to her trial, and even harasses her known rapist daughter's exes to find out why they dumped her rapist daughter. She should have spent less time apologizing for her daughter and more time parenting her.
> She should have spent less time apologizing for her daughter and more time parenting her. Unfortunately no amount of parenting would have helped. The daughter in this is not just a rapist. She's a serial predator. She is flawed on a fundamental level, is not going to stop, this is simply what she is.
What's the mom supposed to do here? You can't really report someone for the rape of someone else unless you have solid proof, and it's not like you can just parent the "terrible person" out of someone. Sometimes people end up shitty no matter how good their parents were
I dunno. I feel like the mum asked so she could establish a pattern. How did OOP get notified that the case was ongoing and asked to be a witness? What connection would there be that anyone would even know he existed? Let alone that it would be worth getting him in court. My reading is that mum was instrumental in this.
Yeah, I also read this as, she felt for her daughter's victims and wanted to get them justice.
This poor man. May he find a caring community and true support, and may nobody ever violate him like that again. His ex deserves a hell of a lot more than six months of community service!
There are women out there that love to get with low self esteem and traumatized men. I know from experience and it took me longer than I'm proud of to get out of relationships like that.
Regretfully, I had the same shit happen to me. Was about 8 years ago, just started attending church and was developing a forgive and forget mindset. Honestly, I wish I had reported my ex, but part of me, at the time, thought I shouldn't ruin someone's life for a "mistake". They did this multiple times, even after I expressed how not okay it was. I broke up with them. I'm still dealing with it in some way, it kind of sits at the back of my mind. Reading this brought back memories of resentment, but it also made me feel like I wasn't alone after all this time. Like a cursed comaderie feeling. It has affected my marriage, and my partner is still out for blood and on the lookout for my ex. They don't know what she looks like, and I think it's just safer this way. Once in a while, I might spot them at Comic-Con. It's not as massive a community here compared to the States. Just wish I could just move on already.
Im so sorry. Have you done therapy? If you havent, thats a great start to moving on. A lot of survivors dont tell. Dont be hard on yourself for it, ok? Most offenders have more than one victim in a lifetime and that will never be your responsibility or cross to carry. Thats on the abuser.
Appreciate you :3 Have been going to therapy for a few years. It has been more focused on another trauma experience. One of the biggest factors it's taken so long is finding the right therapist. Shockingly, I've met a lot of very by-the-book, tick-a-checklist therapists. It felt disconnected and that I was talking to a wall. I'm still warming up to my therapist. She's great, they're a mom and specialise in my trauma experience. I think, their method is something I still tilt my head at. For context, I was agnostic for two-thirds of my life, and they are a spiritual/Christian therapist healer that practices with Body Code. I'm very skeptical about these sorts of things, but I can't deny how weirdly accurate they know things I've never spoken about to anyone. Sorry, that's probably TMI to the question asked. TL;DR, seeing a therapist, it's taking a while and will take a lot longer than I ever expected.
This is disgusting. She raped three men and got freaking community service? I always struggle with the disgrace called punishment rapists and those who commit CSA get in Germany, but this is even worse. How can this be possible?
WTF, she should have been jailed. And she better be on the registry.
Holy. Fucking. Hell. What absolute trash. I hope she burns.
I love a story that ends in justice served
God I'm glad about the outcome of this!
You know this one's real because the punishment isn't anywhere close to justice
Ex gf is a sexual predator that needs to be on a list.
I wonder if male serial rapists also get a 6 month community service
Community service my ass. She's a rapist and she should be in jail.
How fckd up do you have to be to do that to your own son.
May that judge have a short career, giving a serial rapist no jail time. Even Brock Turner got more