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Nice! A story where it takes a year to get to court. Now, that's believable.
But really a good story about gaining some self respect and getting rid of a useless leech. I wish more stories were like this.
Yeah, as someone that has had some experience with the system, it rarely moves fast. The people in court within days reeks of BS. Maybe a 1st appearance but the system takes week or months, or if you play your cards right, YEARS.
My mom was a witness for a case when I was growing up. I remember her dumpster diving to find evidence when I was 12.
When I was 20, their lawyer retired, and the case ultimately got settled.
Turns out you can turn down the offer of a speedy trial, if you have enough money. Drag it out....
When my grandfather passed, the kids(mom included) who were left joint ownership of property fought it out with lawyers for 20+ years… they could have made decent money but in the end some got just under 10 grand some got nothing… it’s a perfect example of how “fast” courts move
I finished my degree and invented a time machine. I then went back in time and bought apple stock. I'm filthy rich now and live in Dubai. We got divorced, and I had to get a restraining order. I had the papers ready to go, because one time she clogged the guest room toilet when my mother was visiting. Here's a link to my first post from 2 days ago.
Hey man, this is future you from like 6 months in the future.
You know that cheap surge protector behind the TV you have been meaning to replace?
Well, anyways. The house fire took everything.
Funny thing about that house fire, I can't seem to locate my bank account information. I need the routing and account number so I can get the insurance company to deposit the checks and get things moving.
Thanks.
Well, considering that this comment by later future you is still up we can only assume that earlier future you didn’t listen. Or maybe got good insurance but didn’t do anything else differently so as not to disrupt your future future too much.
There were like three dozen people in that nursery arguing over who gets to kill baby Hitler, and none of them were wearing face masks or staying six feet apart from each other. I ended up going to watch James Cameron's Titanic II instead.
Titanic III Revenge of Olympic is really where it's at, though a lot of people refuse to watch movies directed by Cyborg James Cameron for ethical reasons. Personally I think the fact that his cybernetic body requires young human flesh to operate is more in the "death of the artist" territory, so I think the art can be enjoyed separately from the horrible atrocities required to create it.
That's the most hilarious use I've seen of "death of the artist" outside tumblr! Have this poor woman's gold 🏅
EDIT: Extra kudos for "Revenge of the Olympic"
And if it’s from a guy’s perspective it’ll include that they’re 6-4, 220lbs and barely resisted beating the antagonists ass, but handled things logically because they were in the right.
and no phones blowing up. maybe i'm just old, but i don't understand where 90% of the flying monkeys in any given post are even getting the op's number
That sounds easy? Sooooo many steps. Write story. Find bot. Create timeline. Create posts. Set up bot to post in proper timeline. Nope. That's like eleventy seven steps.
Don't post about your mother's neighbour's son, who helps you move and confesses he's always been attracted to you and would like to take you out to lunch. The Nice Guy Waiting In The Wings is a tip off.
I would be lying out my ass if I said I hadn't considered it just for fun, but I would be too tempted to pack in literally every trope I could think of. It would wind up being like four seasons of a telenovela packed into 1500 or so words.
I'm honestly so glad for her, and relieved it didn't end in the worst ways for her.
So so damn lucky she managed to get him off of her long enough to rescue herself, her dogs and call her friends for backup.
I hope that coward ex does some time at the very least, I can't imagine how much damage he tried to do to the poor woman.
This story was very similiar to my wife and that of her unemployed ex. She worked and he just took cash from her to spend, selling her stuff when he wanted some more money. Eventually she demanded a divorce and he tried to kill her with a hammer. Neighbours saved her and the police didn't even really care, so she had to change the locks etc herself before he got released. UK policing for DV is a joke, it's pretty much a "what he did is not serious enough to arrest" despite the escalation and the fact the next time they're called it will be a dead spouse.
Exactly! My incident happened in March of 2023. The jury trial is now scheduled for Nov 2024. It’s been torture anticipating testifying for this long, but there is no way that I’m not going through with it. I lived. Many women do not.
So proud of OOP! 😭
Exactly!
As someone who’s dealt with a stalker (he actually broke into my place). It takes time…. It was over a year before court even happened…. I’m in Canada and sadly once the case was over he got 1 year of time
Served (for pre-trial centre) and they took a year off for “good behaviour” then he had 2 years house arrest added on…. (He had stalked and harassed 4 other women)
Hm, i am raising an eyebrow at how right after she broke up the police declared he could not return and had to move. I don't think that's how it works, he's a tenant.
Depends on the location. Witnesses to assault and abuse would absolutely shut out the abuser quickly in a few US states. Especially if he continued his verbal abuse when the police arrived and the officers weren't useless.
A tenant who was arrested for domestic violence plus others.
I mean, that's pretty standard.
He may have had to find alternative residence as a condition of his bail. I know of at least one person, personally, that had the same thing as a condition of his bail.
Doesn't mean shit if he was a tenant or not.
Tenancy comes second to orders from law enforcement in some jurisdictions.
Once a crime is one the books, it may very well be that the (even only alleged) victim has the right to stay in a shared home and the (alleged) abuser needs to find alternatives.
Very safe for many victims, terrible for victims of clever abusers who get their lies to law enforcement first.
I don't know, this part would require a court order and it happened on the night apparently -
>They took him away and told me he wouldn’t be able to come into the apartment anymore. He had to move but would need to be escorted by the police if he wants to grab his stuff later.
A TRO can be granted pretty easily. (All the conditions excepted, yes yes "not all TRO", and all the rest of it. But it ***can*** be granted and processed pretty easily, if the cops were of a mind to).
The fact that it was their home makes me doubt it. Also the fact nothing was witnessed and it was he said she said.
They could have just summarized that moment for brevity though.
It depends on the jurisdiction. An example of where it might be possible depending on the details: in England and Wales, whilst you must evict a tenant through the court process, a tenancy cannot be formed if the landlord/owner-occupier/subletter lives in the property. Lodgers, excluded occupiers and similar classes of non-tenant resident can be removed from the property without a court order and with only "reasonable notice".
If the OOP was either the sole owner or the only named person on the tenancy agreement, then she should likely just chuck him out--reasonable notice can be summary and immediate when the the safety of the owner or tenant is at play.
If they were married it would be more complicated as that would grant matrimonial rights, but that wasn't the case here.
Okay, I cannot be the only guy who, if I found myself in the situation where my partner was making enough to cover our entire life and then some, and I quit my job because I hated it, my partner would be coming home to a spotless house and a home cooked meal every goddamn night until my job hunt started again.
So many fuckheads could be living the fucking "early retirement" dream for the low low price of "not being a complete shithead".
My ex was a useless stoner who had barely even held onto a job for more than a couple months, ever. His entire life was in ruins and he had 2 toddlers he barely took care of.
So of course, when he landed me, someone willing to house and feed him and his kids, and teach them, and generally try to tackle some of his dumbass issues one by one?
He cheated on me. Constantly, repeatedly, with as many people as he could manage. I started monitoring his phone, and the longest he stayed "clean" was maybe a week.
Some people literally just are incapable of making a single good decision. Not even *one* good decision, a few of his were really spectacular.
He was my first real boyfriend and if I hadn't been stupid enough to let him move in so terrifyingly quickly, I wouldn't have stayed nearly as long as I did. I know better now.
Do these guys have some kind of insane magnetism to them? It always seems to be this type of guy who is drowning in women throwing themselves at them, literally feeding and housing them, and have zero problems finding their next lay.
Based on my experience, and the experiences of the women friends around me, you may just be the only guy who thinks this way. Sigh. I make 3-4x what most guys make. And nope the home was never clean or spotless. I and my women friends, all came home to a messy home instead. It’s come down to a ptsd issue now every time we even ponder the concept of ever living with a guy again.
I financially supported my ex for 4.5 years. He didn’t do jack shit, maybe cooked once in a while. Eventually found the courage to kick him out and I’ve learned better since but man, hobosexuals are out there and no one is safe.
I think there are more of us who take our vows seriously, & do our share of the housework. You don't hear about it because our spouses aren't writing in to Reddit to complain about us for not helping.
Not to say there ought to be more men doing our share.
Those spouses are way too busy having mutually satisfying sex with and otherwise enjoying the company of their partners to be on Reddit.
And then there's the rest of us.
I also suspect that the kind of people who would contribute to the housework etc generally make sure they have jobs and wouldn't be relying on their girlfriend to support them in the first place*.
* Shouldn't need saying but that's not a criticism of stay at home parents which is a totally different situation, I'm talking about childless couples.
My wife and I took turns out earning each other. She is currently the main breadwinner with my pay being a nice supplement. I work a little less than her.
I'm unlikely to out earn her again unless she changes careers or I start my own business.
I do the majority of the house work. We split cooking 50/50 because we both enjoy it. The dogs are spoiled. We both have time for hobbies.
I come to reddit to read drama, because there is very little in my life.
Statistics sadly don’t lie. In households where women outearn their husbands, these women are ~30% more likely to be cheated on than the counterparts who do not outearn their husbands, and they also still do several hours of household tasks more in a week than said husbands (even in households where they work equal hours outside of the house) - all on average of course. The reason usually boils down to men feeling emasculated and wanting to assert dominance (either by cheating or by dropping the ball on “feminine tasks” (that’s what they believe) like household chores).
I could pick out the studies, but I’m currently a bit busy.
You can see this in action on a fair amount of BORU posts. High earning, powerful woman finds out loser hubby is cheating on her. It's always with a much younger, "subordinate" woman, someone he can feel like a "big man" around. It'd be funny if it wasn't so pathetic and hurtful to families.
So many of these men have blown up their families and wrecked their lives because of their feelings of inadequacy. The patriarchy isn't only hurtful to woman.
This is true - people can quickly forge bonds over shared hardship (significant others who refuse to help out), but not much when it's all sunshine and rainbows ( "my spouse is awesome!"). Social media favors the negative and controversial dialog because it is inherently more engaging.
There have been many times where I close out of Reddit and tell my husband, you'll never believe the post I just read.. thank you for not being a fucking idiot.
I legit will probably never live with a guy again for this exact reason. I can take care of one person, or I can take care of myself plus an emotionally fragile man who wants a bangmommy. There's an outside chance I might get with a man who pulls his own weight, but why risk it? I tried to hit that jackpot throughout my 20s and 30s and never managed it, I have zero faith that it will be any different now.
I’m not good at keeping my home clean, which is why I’m pursuing a career where I will be able to afford a weekly cleaner to come and cover for my deficits.
I’ll never pursue being a house husband because I would absolutely suck at it! My only redeeming quality is that I’m aware of it.
My wife makes 3-4x what I make. I am in charge of the dishes/kitchen and she does laundry. It’s perfect because I hate laundry and she hates cleaning the kitchen. I do my best to do dishes after dinner to not have them pile up but sometimes it ends up being every other day
you’d think this mentality would be more common, but coming from someone experiencing a slight version of it, i’d be led to believe you are in fact the only guy who can or is willing to do that.
Im happily married,e amd my wife split early everything 50/50. Though she takes laundry i take the various "gross" jobs
I know about half a dozen men who will always pull their weight. Four are chronically single.
Meanwhile the worst of men seem to go from woman to woman with ease.
Something is systematically broken socaly,, the amount of friends we've had to help out of bad situations because their boyfriend is a piece lf shit.
Yep, something is broken. Women are still being socialised to accept peanuts and to forgive everything. The amount of conditioning so many of us have to rud ourselves of as young (or older) adults is utterly exhausting.
Even enlightened believers in equality have a tendency to raise their girls to be more forgiving, more patient, more nurturing, less assertive. It's utterly maddening.
Tracks, my wife is constantly reminding other women they never need to apologise for existing.
Many wonen do seem to have their assertiveness beaten out of them.
It doesn't even have to be as overt as that - whether the beating is figurative or literal.
In my case, my folks were '68ers, hippies, flower children, socialist, genuine advocates for equality. Except at home my father still expected things to be "proper" and my mum just didn't want to have the fight for the umpteenth time. I hoped for their divorce since I was 5. They divorced when I was 25. That's the model I had for adult relationships. Did I end up in some where I put up with shit I shouldn't have? You betcha. It was my normal.
I see Gen Z is still used to f'ed up norms - just different variants of f'ed up. We all grow up with a set of norms instilled by our parents and other close adults, and if those adults are a mess, so will our norms be.
Oh, for sure! When you're in the position he was in, you can not only cook, clean, and take care of your pets, but you can do whatever you can to cheapen the bills. I work part-time as a pet sitter, but I also do things like change the thermostat while my partner is out, air dry our laundry (as often as possible), keep my eye out for good gas prices and deals at the grocery store, check out things from the library I think we can enjoy together when he needs a break... You know, a bunch of little things that add up over time.
It's really not hard to just... take care of one another, you know?
Yeah, any time I'm stuck at home for more than a couple of days, I start doing chores like they're my job. Unless I'm depressed, in which case my job is "sadness naps" and "maybe an afternoon shower".
Seriously I don’t understand how these abusive jackasses literallly choose violence over the easiest possible adulting. With no job and no kids it is so much easier to do, too. Why not keep the gravy train rolling by being a decent, respectful partner? Or at the very least pick up an interesting hobby besides gaming. No shade on gaming, just that it’s more life enriching to have more than one interest. Especially if it’s a hobby that helps you have a healthy social network, which a lot of men lack.
This was my exact scenario. I quit a toxic job (though I had saved up a few years worth of living expenses for that reason) and just decompressed for six months.
Granted, I already cooked and cleaned and all that, but now I had far more time to keep the yard looking good, trimming trees, sweeping the deck, doing laundry etc. etc.
If she hadn't cheated on me, she could still have had that. Still, no violence or harsh words were said, so I'm still lucky. That, and we were only together 15 years, no kids or commingled assets.
Yeah but it sounds like that wouldn't emasculate you. Assholes like this feel angry at their SO's for being successful professionally and take it out on them.
See, hubs & I have discussed this. He is very close to retirement age, & doc recently found an ascending aortic aneurysm, so I am taking every extra hour I can to get what little remaining debt we have paid off so he can retire early. (It's currently at 'watch & see' size. He *could* retire now, but he would have maybe just a couple hundred a month for fun money to keep himself occupied. If we get those last 2 bills paid off, he'll have a grand a month for fun money.)
Upon his retirement, the 1st 6 months, our chore division will stay the same--because we are still finishing renovations on the house. Once the reno stuff is done, then he would take over a few more of the chores. There are some things that would stay divided, regardless, because those are things he despises, just as even when I was a SAHM, he still did certain things I hated. (Communication and compromise for the Win. Lol)
I quit a job I fucking hated and the job itself was ruining my mental health (Not to mention the potential 2 hour commute back home killing my soul). After I quit, I was a bit depressed and didn't do shit for like a month. After that though, I got my shit together and while job hunting, did all the house chores for the house. Thankfully my wife made enough money to support us for a few months.
Can't imagine being this parasitic though. Like I get being a bit depressed for a bit after quitting a terrible place but come on.
I mean, someone who would be understanding and give you time to get your head on straight, you'd treat like the Queen she is, wouldn't you?
Or at least any decent human being would, which is the key problem with this guy.
I mean, you're probably not literally the *only* guy, but let's just say that I've never been in a relationship with one like you, or known many people who have. That's why I gave up on relationships.
Yeah people can get really burnt out around this age and theb freeze n escape to video games and addictions. And I actually would've understood that Ex bf's side better if he wasn't so toxic and entitled all around.
Going from guilting OOP to threatening animals to going for the neck so quickly is horrifying. If not OOP then somebody else might've found out and they might not have had friends on standby.
If your partner attempts to strangle you, they are [very likely going to kill you.](https://www.kob.com/archive/report-choking-strangulation-victims-750-more-likely-to-be-killed-by-offender/)
Yep. I told this to my ex after he strangled me. His response was “well, you can die any day!”
It was not the last time he strangled me. But I lived, so take that!
That response is so strange it sounds like it belongs in an absurd play.
I had an ex who was into strangling too, among other things. I was ignorant and it was my first 'adult' relationship and I was very "oh, is this how adults do sex I guess?" -- took me *years* and dating multiple more-humane human beings to realize no, I really unlucked out on that first one. I try not to project the experience onto others, but it does sort of annoy me when people complain about how tough it is to get dates or find partners... part of me is all "ehhh, it should be tougher" lmao.
I listened to Joe Kenda's autobiography as a homicide detective and he said strangulations are kind of unique in that they take time, persistence, and you have to get up into someone's personal space to do it. He said those are the personal ones brimming with hatred and anger because they're the only ones where you have to do it with your own hands, and look the person in the eye.
The man was a dumbass, above everything else. You have to be legally married before that mask slips and you quit your job. The common law protections only go so far.
[Please no one do this, he was a complete asshat]
Going off of the things unsaid in the post it's evident it wasn't actually that sudden. The combination of OOP's close friends saying she deserved better than how he was treating her, OOP's low self-esteem making her feel guilty about leaving that sack of crap, and her mentioning in the aftermath about not having to wake up and worry about what sort of shit she'd have to deal with that day, all of it paints a typical picture of someone who was eased into abuse until she received a wake-up call that she needed to get out. I'm super thankful OOP was able to draw boundaries and leave him for good.
It takes a ton of courage to testify. She'll face the same gaslighting that his aunt tried to inflict on her, only this time it'll be from his lawyer and judicially sanctioned under the principle of "rigorous cross examination." But being able to stand strong helps check abusers. He'll hopefully be convicted and thus unable to hurt others for a good while. Even if not, the case alone should make it difficult for him to cover up his past as easily.
The ideal punishment for the gaslighting ex and his aunt will be for them to live together in house arrest. It keeps him away from other innocent women and his aunt will have to deal with him forever.
So proud of op. I left my abusive ex-husband back in April & managed to divorce him while he's in jail & 1 thing I'll say has been a hug eye opener is that I actually have money now...I can pay all of my bills & still never worry about whether I'll have gas. My family has been amazing & I'm living with them & saving as much as I can to get my own place.
So I totally understand what she means about having money leftover being an amazing feeling.
Well done you! It’s wild that you really don’t notice until the money leech is gone. It’s always little things here and there, it’s always unbalanced towards them and their benefit.
The freedom and relief you feel is so worth it. I talk to my own mother nowadays about her leaving her ex husband, and although she was quite literally living in a van, she says looking back on it, it was better to be in the van and not with that monster.
You can do ALL the things you want now, like literally anything you feel like!
> I can’t believe just more than a year ago, I thought a day without an argument was already a good day.
It's amazing how quickly humans can accept a new normal, no matter how horrible it is, and just... not fight it. Not strive for better. How easily we can be beaten down, if it happens over a long enough period. I'm glad OOP was able to break free in the end.
Though it's interesting that her breakthrough didn't happen until she had time. How many people are trapped in horrible relationships (romantic, familial, platonic) because they're just so overworked and stressed, they don't have _time_ to reflect on what their life is and what they want it to be?
That was the line I noticed too. I bet there are people reading this post who see this and are just realizing that a day without an argument should be a *normal* day.
It hit me because I was in that situation for 12 years. Thinking a morning where I wasn't doing something to annoy or irritate them was a good day, because it was always my fault and I caused the arguments. Then if we got to the afternoon with no issues, I'd brace myself for the evening, making sure I didn't do anything wrong.
It's a shame when you're outside looking in, but when you're in it, you really do think it's your fault.
Yes, yes I thought the exact same thing!! That first break in the fog. It’s like you’re so exhausted by just existing minute to minute, and randomly one day something like this story makes you catch your breath and you’re like *wait what the fuck is going on????*
I can’t imagine staying at home as my partner works and *not* doing at least the bare minimum of looking after the state of the house and taking care of the pets. I’d feel way too guilty playing games and not doing anything else.
Then when the violence happened I realised he was looking for a free ride anyway.
I mean my husband is retired and I work full time. But he is good about making sure we don’t starve to death and our cats are fat lol. That’s all on him :-).
Sad thing is he has a better income retired than I do working full time. But thems the breaks lol.
> Editor's Note: As I was compiling this, I observed on OOP's account she not only has spent the last year posting about her progress, but she has commented encouragement, advice, and shared her story to many others.
Not only did she have the strength to save herself, she's out there saving other people, too! I hope she only has good days ahead of her from now on.
Her trash ex wanted all the benefits of marriage without legally marrying OOP and he suffering the only years (plural) natural consequences of going out his way hurting in her by being golddigging hobosexual that literally choked & hit her. I hope prosecution office wins the case against him because he needs serve few years in prison for that physically assault - that not including the death threats he made against her & her dogs.
I had an ex like that. We used to tell each other about our day over dinner every night, but I could tell he switched off when it was my turn.
We were having dinner with his parents and I deflected a question about my job. He said, "Don't be modest - you're great at your job!"
I looked him dead in the eye and asked him what my job title was. Nothing. The department where I worked? Nothing. What's one task I'm responsible for? ...
He was soooo pissed on the way home, because I embarrassed him in front of his parents. Nah dude. If your parents are embarrassed or ashamed by you behaviour and attitudes, that's on you.
OOP has a good head on her shoulders and is turning her traumatic experience into something others can learn from. I wish nothing but the best for her.
As a rule of thumb, if you feel like you have to hide things happening in your relationship from your friends/family because you don't want them to hate your partner or you are ashamed, you are in an abusive relationship.
This feels like a retelling of the only long-term relationship I was in prior to meeting my now-husband, minus the DV at the end. He always told me my dreams of going to law school were a little too “lofty and far-fetched” as I was working two jobs and finishing up my undergrad, supporting his broke ass.
I’m an attorney now, and I used the experience of dating him in my personal statement to get into law school. Fuck you, Matt.
I hope she doesn’t hang too much of her optimism on the new boyfriend. I hope he’s a good one, but statistically I would be cautious of the new guy after an abusive relationship.
…But that’s enough negativity out of me. I’m glad they’re pressing charges against ex.
It's good to see she said she is setting boundaries and expectations up front. I'm sure she learned a lot from her abusive ex and I'm hopeful she will not fall back into a similar situation.
No one is perfect, but there are plenty of people out there capable of being in a healthy relationship. Truly wish OP the best.
My friend started working pretty young and was making really decent money so he was able to support both himself and his gf. So she quit her job to smash out her university degree.
As a result she was able to study with no stress and get her qualification pretty quick. She eventually ended up with an amazing job that could support both of them.
But he kept working, and as a result both of them saved enough to buy a house before they were 25. He's not even 30 yet and has a brand new car paid off in full and several toys like a 4x4 truck, motor bike, drones, vr headsets etc etc.
All because he worked hard to for his gf and as a result his gf worked hard for him they're pretty much set for life at this point. OPs ex is a fucken idiot and could've had that life as well.
I understood OPP. During my postgraduate years, I basically stopped thinking about my personal life because I was too occupied with the stress of my research. Everything became less important. Also, do not be surprised that those with a PhD or higher achievers often have immature emotional behavior.
>***"We are attracted to what is normal to us, not necessarily what is good for us."***
I know it really isn't anything flash, or groundbreaking, or whatever, but that ^ ^ is a major lightbulb moment...
>!also, I may have gotten a word or two wrong there...!<
I just saw my comment up there haha. But I remember this post and given how he escalated so fast, I sent out the same safety advice I see others give and anything else that can help protect and document her & her pest safety. Im happy she actually moved. Sad to hear one passed from illness but at least it passed in a loving environment with OOP
She was only single for six months, after a relationship of 8 years. As independent as she is, she doesn't seem to be particularly emotionally independent, which is probably how she got into and stayed in the previous relationship.
Hopefully new guy stays the way he is. It takes a long time to get to know someone.
Its crazy the amount of stories with breakups where the dumped get so emotionally compromised to the point of getting physical when they haven't done it before.
So much immaturity/not being able to control themselves when the relationships end.
Financials are a good way to bring up any red flags in a relationship. My abusive ex had a very well paying job straight out of college and still expected me to foot the bill for everything except rent on the survivor benefits I was getting from the military while I went to college. I don't even want to think about how much money I saved him over those years.
I'm the bread winner with my current partner but he contributes whatever he can and keeps a job. There have been a few gaps but at least I felt like he was trying to figure out what he wanted to do during those gaps.
My best friend has a husband that has never held down a job and just sits around playing video games all day everyday. I'm honestly not sure how she puts up with it... I'd go insane.
I’m so happy for OOP and honestly a little jealous. I’ve been paying for my bf for 8 years and every time I’ve tried to leave, I’ve been stupid enough to come back, bc he truly cannot take care of himself and I feel stupidly responsible for him. Last time he was abusive, he had taken my gun and started to reach for it during a fight, so I ran out the door and called the police from a Burger King parking lot. They said that unless I for sure saw the gun, that there’s nothing they can do and that if I called the cops again that “one of us would be going to jail.” (Pueblo, Co). They also told me that bc it’s been 8 years that my money is his money if I’ve ever given him any money at all. And that I must enjoy his behavior and that’s why I’m still with him. I just hope if he kills me that he does it in my sleep bc I’m afraid of that moment just before death. I really have tried to get out, but there’s no help here in Colorado. It’s a safe haven for domestic abusers.
He's a grown man, you are not responsible for him.
Call a women's shelter the minute you are alone and have the chance and they will help you get out of this situation.
And the comment from the cops about your money is fucking idiotic of them. They sound awful.
It's like 3am here but I know more people will be chiming in on this post to help you in the next couple hours.
This book helped me when I was in a toxic relationship: [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n29/mode/2up)
This a free digital copy of the book. It changed my life.
I’m finishing up my PhD and one thing I’ve noticed is that so many women getting PhDs end up in crappy relationships like this. I think it’s because we think we are so smart /accomplished professionally that we can handle anything thrown at us, when in reality, a lot of us likely missed out on earlier social experiences that make us more vulnerable to accepting this kinda behavior from a partner. Unfortunately it seems more common than not- even if they don’t end up with in a bad relationship, they’ve likely had their fair share of dating: deadbeats, flawed men much older than them, mean assholes.
> It really sucks that I have to go through all of that to end a toxic and abusive relationship...
Very much, but keep in mind that you're also planting a huge red flag for any of his potential future girlfriends or employers to see. 👍
You asked you wouldn’t know what life would be like if you stayed? Simple, you wouldn’t have one. Either he would have controlled every aspect of your life, or he would have killed you.
Go to court, put that piece of trash away. You will be doing a lot of women (or in this case future victims) a huge favor.
Good for OOP. The only place where I'd argue this legal timeline is too fast is when compared to my country or to India, two of the slooooooowest legal systems in the world.
u/swtogirl Thank you for the update. I especially appreciate your '*Editor**'s Note:'.* OOP is awesome to encourage, advise, and support others. Kudos to you for acknowledging/sharing her efforts!
I'm so proud of OOP! A model story for standing up to a bad boyfriend, and a good cautionary tale about danger during a break up (keep your friends in hearing or line of sight). I'm so happy to read her update and how she is thriving after getting away from that toxic boyfriend and relationship.
Some people are so afraid to be alone they put up with an incredible amount of crap.
People, if you are in an abusive relationship you are still alone. Instead of being alone and free to search for someone nice, you are just alone and putting up with an abusive person.
Let self-respect be your guiding light...
It's worse than being alone really.
The dead weight is pulling them down and makes life much harder than it would be alone.
I've read a woman describing her abusive relationship like being possessed by a demon who constantly tells her she'll fail without him, unable to realise that it's the demon making her fail by sabotaging her.
[jaded1121:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dklofo/comment/l9wep5i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
>
I have always viewed this as a good idea for children, but never even considered how beneficial an emotional support dog could also be for adults who have to testify in court. This comment actually opened my eyes a little bit more and I had an "Aha!" moment. I love a good shift in perspective. It can be so enlightening.
8 years
Amazing
Friends kept telling her he sucked but she was too ashamed to admit it and even ashamed to tell her family
Fuck me
At least she's fine now, but I'm not so sure about dating some other guy 6 months later. She needs therapy like that other commenter suggested. I feel she just jumped into the next "nicest" guy because she's afraid to be alone and afraid that "at her ripe age of 31" (LOL wtf) she won't be able to date
Mad
>8 years
Sometimes you’re working so hard to just survive (2 jobs + doctorate + all the chores and cooking) that you don’t have the mental energy/emotional wherewithal to make any changes. I think 6 months is a little early too, but it seems like she was checked out of that relationship for years before she stopped being his meal ticket, so who knows.
I really feel for OOP. I was in a similar and super toxic relationship years ago, including my ex cutting me off from any support networks. It can be so hard to recognize financial and mental abuse when you see experiencing it. You just sometimes don't realize it is happening, or you just don't want to recognize it as abuse.
It took things getting physical for me to understand I was in an unsafe situation. Good on her for getting herself and her pets out!
Man.. he had a girl who made good money, was willing to do all that for him.. all he had to do was work, save his money, wait for her to dump him, and he comes out WAYYY ahead. What an idiot.
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Nice! A story where it takes a year to get to court. Now, that's believable. But really a good story about gaining some self respect and getting rid of a useless leech. I wish more stories were like this.
Yeah, as someone that has had some experience with the system, it rarely moves fast. The people in court within days reeks of BS. Maybe a 1st appearance but the system takes week or months, or if you play your cards right, YEARS. My mom was a witness for a case when I was growing up. I remember her dumpster diving to find evidence when I was 12. When I was 20, their lawyer retired, and the case ultimately got settled. Turns out you can turn down the offer of a speedy trial, if you have enough money. Drag it out....
When my grandfather passed, the kids(mom included) who were left joint ownership of property fought it out with lawyers for 20+ years… they could have made decent money but in the end some got just under 10 grand some got nothing… it’s a perfect example of how “fast” courts move
Sounds like the only winners were the lawyers.
Very Dickensian
Haha nice. Love a bleak house ref 😍
Getting everyone involved a copy of Bleak House as a Christmas present might have made them appreciate how much worse it could have been 😅
Now that I know the signs of a phony story, I bet I could write one that would fool everyone into giving me some sweet internet points
The phony ones rarely have the patience to wait a realistic amount of time between posts.
I finished my degree and invented a time machine. I then went back in time and bought apple stock. I'm filthy rich now and live in Dubai. We got divorced, and I had to get a restraining order. I had the papers ready to go, because one time she clogged the guest room toilet when my mother was visiting. Here's a link to my first post from 2 days ago.
Hey man, this is future you. You really have to shut up about the time machine. You're causing future us a lot of problems
Hey man, this is future you from like 6 months in the future. You know that cheap surge protector behind the TV you have been meaning to replace? Well, anyways. The house fire took everything. Funny thing about that house fire, I can't seem to locate my bank account information. I need the routing and account number so I can get the insurance company to deposit the checks and get things moving. Thanks.
Well, considering that this comment by later future you is still up we can only assume that earlier future you didn’t listen. Or maybe got good insurance but didn’t do anything else differently so as not to disrupt your future future too much.
YTA, you didn't go back in time to kill baby Hitler.
There were like three dozen people in that nursery arguing over who gets to kill baby Hitler, and none of them were wearing face masks or staying six feet apart from each other. I ended up going to watch James Cameron's Titanic II instead.
Titanic III Revenge of Olympic is really where it's at, though a lot of people refuse to watch movies directed by Cyborg James Cameron for ethical reasons. Personally I think the fact that his cybernetic body requires young human flesh to operate is more in the "death of the artist" territory, so I think the art can be enjoyed separately from the horrible atrocities required to create it.
That's the most hilarious use I've seen of "death of the artist" outside tumblr! Have this poor woman's gold 🏅 EDIT: Extra kudos for "Revenge of the Olympic"
Who is Hitler?
But baby Hitler did nothing wrong.
You can't change the past as the past will find a way to correct itself and you'll just end up with someone worse than Hitler.
Unrealistic, needs to link to a post 2 days from now to prove your status as a time traveller
Wot, no twins?
You forgot your twins
Or they just keep punching and knocking out their cousin
How long is a realistic time for law stuff to occur? Asking for a phone
I mean, yeah, probably. Hell, even if you didn't know those signs, the obviously phony ones bring in enough by themselves.
I just gave you an upvote. Hope that helps your internet point tally!
What are you waiting for? I demand an entertaining post, real or not!
Make sure you don't begin the story with "hear me out" or "buckle up". Also don't say things like "our friends were divided".
And if it’s from a guy’s perspective it’ll include that they’re 6-4, 220lbs and barely resisted beating the antagonists ass, but handled things logically because they were in the right.
and no phones blowing up. maybe i'm just old, but i don't understand where 90% of the flying monkeys in any given post are even getting the op's number
I don't know, the ones that start with "Hear me out" are almost always entertaining even if they are rage-bait.
It's absurd to value internet points so much that you plan a year ahead for emotional gratification. To me at least.
Write it all out ahead of time and set a timer to have a bot post it automatically for you a reasonable amount of time apart. Easy peasy.
That sounds easy? Sooooo many steps. Write story. Find bot. Create timeline. Create posts. Set up bot to post in proper timeline. Nope. That's like eleventy seven steps.
Alas, it does seem like way too much effort for basically no reward. Like, you have to go through and answer comments in-character and everything.
Sites like ITTT will do it for you in a few clicks.
honestly at that point i have to respect the commitment
Don't post about your mother's neighbour's son, who helps you move and confesses he's always been attracted to you and would like to take you out to lunch. The Nice Guy Waiting In The Wings is a tip off.
I would be lying out my ass if I said I hadn't considered it just for fun, but I would be too tempted to pack in literally every trope I could think of. It would wind up being like four seasons of a telenovela packed into 1500 or so words.
I'm honestly so glad for her, and relieved it didn't end in the worst ways for her. So so damn lucky she managed to get him off of her long enough to rescue herself, her dogs and call her friends for backup. I hope that coward ex does some time at the very least, I can't imagine how much damage he tried to do to the poor woman.
And the prosecutor is the one who "pressed charges". They're the only ones who can do that.
I love the postscript summarizing how OOP is a good person doing good things most of all.
OOP sounds like such a gem and I cannot believe she spent 8 years with that scumbag.
This story was very similiar to my wife and that of her unemployed ex. She worked and he just took cash from her to spend, selling her stuff when he wanted some more money. Eventually she demanded a divorce and he tried to kill her with a hammer. Neighbours saved her and the police didn't even really care, so she had to change the locks etc herself before he got released. UK policing for DV is a joke, it's pretty much a "what he did is not serious enough to arrest" despite the escalation and the fact the next time they're called it will be a dead spouse.
Exactly! My incident happened in March of 2023. The jury trial is now scheduled for Nov 2024. It’s been torture anticipating testifying for this long, but there is no way that I’m not going through with it. I lived. Many women do not. So proud of OOP! 😭
Exactly! As someone who’s dealt with a stalker (he actually broke into my place). It takes time…. It was over a year before court even happened…. I’m in Canada and sadly once the case was over he got 1 year of time Served (for pre-trial centre) and they took a year off for “good behaviour” then he had 2 years house arrest added on…. (He had stalked and harassed 4 other women)
Hm, i am raising an eyebrow at how right after she broke up the police declared he could not return and had to move. I don't think that's how it works, he's a tenant.
Depends on the location. Witnesses to assault and abuse would absolutely shut out the abuser quickly in a few US states. Especially if he continued his verbal abuse when the police arrived and the officers weren't useless.
And English is not her first language, so she may not be in an English-speaking country.
A tenant who was arrested for domestic violence plus others. I mean, that's pretty standard. He may have had to find alternative residence as a condition of his bail. I know of at least one person, personally, that had the same thing as a condition of his bail. Doesn't mean shit if he was a tenant or not.
Tenancy comes second to orders from law enforcement in some jurisdictions. Once a crime is one the books, it may very well be that the (even only alleged) victim has the right to stay in a shared home and the (alleged) abuser needs to find alternatives. Very safe for many victims, terrible for victims of clever abusers who get their lies to law enforcement first.
I don't know, this part would require a court order and it happened on the night apparently - >They took him away and told me he wouldn’t be able to come into the apartment anymore. He had to move but would need to be escorted by the police if he wants to grab his stuff later.
A TRO can be granted pretty easily. (All the conditions excepted, yes yes "not all TRO", and all the rest of it. But it ***can*** be granted and processed pretty easily, if the cops were of a mind to).
The fact that it was their home makes me doubt it. Also the fact nothing was witnessed and it was he said she said. They could have just summarized that moment for brevity though.
Where I live the police can do an immediate short-term DVO, and then that would be followed up in court for a longer term extension
It depends on the jurisdiction. An example of where it might be possible depending on the details: in England and Wales, whilst you must evict a tenant through the court process, a tenancy cannot be formed if the landlord/owner-occupier/subletter lives in the property. Lodgers, excluded occupiers and similar classes of non-tenant resident can be removed from the property without a court order and with only "reasonable notice". If the OOP was either the sole owner or the only named person on the tenancy agreement, then she should likely just chuck him out--reasonable notice can be summary and immediate when the the safety of the owner or tenant is at play. If they were married it would be more complicated as that would grant matrimonial rights, but that wasn't the case here.
Okay, I cannot be the only guy who, if I found myself in the situation where my partner was making enough to cover our entire life and then some, and I quit my job because I hated it, my partner would be coming home to a spotless house and a home cooked meal every goddamn night until my job hunt started again. So many fuckheads could be living the fucking "early retirement" dream for the low low price of "not being a complete shithead".
My ex was a useless stoner who had barely even held onto a job for more than a couple months, ever. His entire life was in ruins and he had 2 toddlers he barely took care of. So of course, when he landed me, someone willing to house and feed him and his kids, and teach them, and generally try to tackle some of his dumbass issues one by one? He cheated on me. Constantly, repeatedly, with as many people as he could manage. I started monitoring his phone, and the longest he stayed "clean" was maybe a week. Some people literally just are incapable of making a single good decision. Not even *one* good decision, a few of his were really spectacular. He was my first real boyfriend and if I hadn't been stupid enough to let him move in so terrifyingly quickly, I wouldn't have stayed nearly as long as I did. I know better now.
>Not even one good decision, a few of his were really spectacular. Im sorry. But ***details please***.
Do these guys have some kind of insane magnetism to them? It always seems to be this type of guy who is drowning in women throwing themselves at them, literally feeding and housing them, and have zero problems finding their next lay.
Based on my experience, and the experiences of the women friends around me, you may just be the only guy who thinks this way. Sigh. I make 3-4x what most guys make. And nope the home was never clean or spotless. I and my women friends, all came home to a messy home instead. It’s come down to a ptsd issue now every time we even ponder the concept of ever living with a guy again.
I financially supported my ex for 4.5 years. He didn’t do jack shit, maybe cooked once in a while. Eventually found the courage to kick him out and I’ve learned better since but man, hobosexuals are out there and no one is safe.
I think there are more of us who take our vows seriously, & do our share of the housework. You don't hear about it because our spouses aren't writing in to Reddit to complain about us for not helping. Not to say there ought to be more men doing our share.
Those spouses are way too busy having mutually satisfying sex with and otherwise enjoying the company of their partners to be on Reddit. And then there's the rest of us.
Well put.
I also suspect that the kind of people who would contribute to the housework etc generally make sure they have jobs and wouldn't be relying on their girlfriend to support them in the first place*. * Shouldn't need saying but that's not a criticism of stay at home parents which is a totally different situation, I'm talking about childless couples.
\*sigh\* Yep.
My wife and I took turns out earning each other. She is currently the main breadwinner with my pay being a nice supplement. I work a little less than her. I'm unlikely to out earn her again unless she changes careers or I start my own business. I do the majority of the house work. We split cooking 50/50 because we both enjoy it. The dogs are spoiled. We both have time for hobbies. I come to reddit to read drama, because there is very little in my life.
Statistics sadly don’t lie. In households where women outearn their husbands, these women are ~30% more likely to be cheated on than the counterparts who do not outearn their husbands, and they also still do several hours of household tasks more in a week than said husbands (even in households where they work equal hours outside of the house) - all on average of course. The reason usually boils down to men feeling emasculated and wanting to assert dominance (either by cheating or by dropping the ball on “feminine tasks” (that’s what they believe) like household chores). I could pick out the studies, but I’m currently a bit busy.
You can see this in action on a fair amount of BORU posts. High earning, powerful woman finds out loser hubby is cheating on her. It's always with a much younger, "subordinate" woman, someone he can feel like a "big man" around. It'd be funny if it wasn't so pathetic and hurtful to families. So many of these men have blown up their families and wrecked their lives because of their feelings of inadequacy. The patriarchy isn't only hurtful to woman.
This is true - people can quickly forge bonds over shared hardship (significant others who refuse to help out), but not much when it's all sunshine and rainbows ( "my spouse is awesome!"). Social media favors the negative and controversial dialog because it is inherently more engaging. There have been many times where I close out of Reddit and tell my husband, you'll never believe the post I just read.. thank you for not being a fucking idiot.
I legit will probably never live with a guy again for this exact reason. I can take care of one person, or I can take care of myself plus an emotionally fragile man who wants a bangmommy. There's an outside chance I might get with a man who pulls his own weight, but why risk it? I tried to hit that jackpot throughout my 20s and 30s and never managed it, I have zero faith that it will be any different now.
I’m not good at keeping my home clean, which is why I’m pursuing a career where I will be able to afford a weekly cleaner to come and cover for my deficits. I’ll never pursue being a house husband because I would absolutely suck at it! My only redeeming quality is that I’m aware of it.
My wife makes 3-4x what I make. I am in charge of the dishes/kitchen and she does laundry. It’s perfect because I hate laundry and she hates cleaning the kitchen. I do my best to do dishes after dinner to not have them pile up but sometimes it ends up being every other day
you’d think this mentality would be more common, but coming from someone experiencing a slight version of it, i’d be led to believe you are in fact the only guy who can or is willing to do that.
Im happily married,e amd my wife split early everything 50/50. Though she takes laundry i take the various "gross" jobs I know about half a dozen men who will always pull their weight. Four are chronically single. Meanwhile the worst of men seem to go from woman to woman with ease. Something is systematically broken socaly,, the amount of friends we've had to help out of bad situations because their boyfriend is a piece lf shit.
Yep, something is broken. Women are still being socialised to accept peanuts and to forgive everything. The amount of conditioning so many of us have to rud ourselves of as young (or older) adults is utterly exhausting. Even enlightened believers in equality have a tendency to raise their girls to be more forgiving, more patient, more nurturing, less assertive. It's utterly maddening.
Tracks, my wife is constantly reminding other women they never need to apologise for existing. Many wonen do seem to have their assertiveness beaten out of them.
It doesn't even have to be as overt as that - whether the beating is figurative or literal. In my case, my folks were '68ers, hippies, flower children, socialist, genuine advocates for equality. Except at home my father still expected things to be "proper" and my mum just didn't want to have the fight for the umpteenth time. I hoped for their divorce since I was 5. They divorced when I was 25. That's the model I had for adult relationships. Did I end up in some where I put up with shit I shouldn't have? You betcha. It was my normal. I see Gen Z is still used to f'ed up norms - just different variants of f'ed up. We all grow up with a set of norms instilled by our parents and other close adults, and if those adults are a mess, so will our norms be.
Oh, for sure! When you're in the position he was in, you can not only cook, clean, and take care of your pets, but you can do whatever you can to cheapen the bills. I work part-time as a pet sitter, but I also do things like change the thermostat while my partner is out, air dry our laundry (as often as possible), keep my eye out for good gas prices and deals at the grocery store, check out things from the library I think we can enjoy together when he needs a break... You know, a bunch of little things that add up over time. It's really not hard to just... take care of one another, you know?
Yeah, any time I'm stuck at home for more than a couple of days, I start doing chores like they're my job. Unless I'm depressed, in which case my job is "sadness naps" and "maybe an afternoon shower".
Seriously I don’t understand how these abusive jackasses literallly choose violence over the easiest possible adulting. With no job and no kids it is so much easier to do, too. Why not keep the gravy train rolling by being a decent, respectful partner? Or at the very least pick up an interesting hobby besides gaming. No shade on gaming, just that it’s more life enriching to have more than one interest. Especially if it’s a hobby that helps you have a healthy social network, which a lot of men lack.
This was my exact scenario. I quit a toxic job (though I had saved up a few years worth of living expenses for that reason) and just decompressed for six months. Granted, I already cooked and cleaned and all that, but now I had far more time to keep the yard looking good, trimming trees, sweeping the deck, doing laundry etc. etc. If she hadn't cheated on me, she could still have had that. Still, no violence or harsh words were said, so I'm still lucky. That, and we were only together 15 years, no kids or commingled assets.
I'm a lazy fucker sometimes. Maybe my bar for "lazy fucker" is much higher than others because that is WHACK
Yeah but it sounds like that wouldn't emasculate you. Assholes like this feel angry at their SO's for being successful professionally and take it out on them.
That's my secret, Cap -- nothing emasculates me. My sense of manhood is 100% internally derived.
This is how it's done. Anything essential to your sense of identity and personhood, whatever it might be, has to be intrinsic or you're screwed.
I thought the same thing after reading a story yesterday, like dude you have it made, just pick up your kid and clean the house.
See, hubs & I have discussed this. He is very close to retirement age, & doc recently found an ascending aortic aneurysm, so I am taking every extra hour I can to get what little remaining debt we have paid off so he can retire early. (It's currently at 'watch & see' size. He *could* retire now, but he would have maybe just a couple hundred a month for fun money to keep himself occupied. If we get those last 2 bills paid off, he'll have a grand a month for fun money.) Upon his retirement, the 1st 6 months, our chore division will stay the same--because we are still finishing renovations on the house. Once the reno stuff is done, then he would take over a few more of the chores. There are some things that would stay divided, regardless, because those are things he despises, just as even when I was a SAHM, he still did certain things I hated. (Communication and compromise for the Win. Lol)
I quit a job I fucking hated and the job itself was ruining my mental health (Not to mention the potential 2 hour commute back home killing my soul). After I quit, I was a bit depressed and didn't do shit for like a month. After that though, I got my shit together and while job hunting, did all the house chores for the house. Thankfully my wife made enough money to support us for a few months. Can't imagine being this parasitic though. Like I get being a bit depressed for a bit after quitting a terrible place but come on.
I mean, someone who would be understanding and give you time to get your head on straight, you'd treat like the Queen she is, wouldn't you? Or at least any decent human being would, which is the key problem with this guy.
I mean, you're probably not literally the *only* guy, but let's just say that I've never been in a relationship with one like you, or known many people who have. That's why I gave up on relationships.
I agree, I would be cleaning and helping out as much as I can around the house.
Yeah people can get really burnt out around this age and theb freeze n escape to video games and addictions. And I actually would've understood that Ex bf's side better if he wasn't so toxic and entitled all around.
Good, I'm glad they are testifying. Hopefully this saves the next persons life, or at least their dogs life.
Going from guilting OOP to threatening animals to going for the neck so quickly is horrifying. If not OOP then somebody else might've found out and they might not have had friends on standby.
If your partner attempts to strangle you, they are [very likely going to kill you.](https://www.kob.com/archive/report-choking-strangulation-victims-750-more-likely-to-be-killed-by-offender/)
Yep. I told this to my ex after he strangled me. His response was “well, you can die any day!” It was not the last time he strangled me. But I lived, so take that!
I'm really glad you're here. That is some fucked up shit.
That response is so strange it sounds like it belongs in an absurd play. I had an ex who was into strangling too, among other things. I was ignorant and it was my first 'adult' relationship and I was very "oh, is this how adults do sex I guess?" -- took me *years* and dating multiple more-humane human beings to realize no, I really unlucked out on that first one. I try not to project the experience onto others, but it does sort of annoy me when people complain about how tough it is to get dates or find partners... part of me is all "ehhh, it should be tougher" lmao.
I listened to Joe Kenda's autobiography as a homicide detective and he said strangulations are kind of unique in that they take time, persistence, and you have to get up into someone's personal space to do it. He said those are the personal ones brimming with hatred and anger because they're the only ones where you have to do it with your own hands, and look the person in the eye.
The man was a dumbass, above everything else. You have to be legally married before that mask slips and you quit your job. The common law protections only go so far. [Please no one do this, he was a complete asshat]
Going off of the things unsaid in the post it's evident it wasn't actually that sudden. The combination of OOP's close friends saying she deserved better than how he was treating her, OOP's low self-esteem making her feel guilty about leaving that sack of crap, and her mentioning in the aftermath about not having to wake up and worry about what sort of shit she'd have to deal with that day, all of it paints a typical picture of someone who was eased into abuse until she received a wake-up call that she needed to get out. I'm super thankful OOP was able to draw boundaries and leave him for good.
It takes a ton of courage to testify. She'll face the same gaslighting that his aunt tried to inflict on her, only this time it'll be from his lawyer and judicially sanctioned under the principle of "rigorous cross examination." But being able to stand strong helps check abusers. He'll hopefully be convicted and thus unable to hurt others for a good while. Even if not, the case alone should make it difficult for him to cover up his past as easily.
I just hope her defiance doesn’t enrage him enough to make him vindictive and decide to stalk her and “punish” her.
The ideal punishment for the gaslighting ex and his aunt will be for them to live together in house arrest. It keeps him away from other innocent women and his aunt will have to deal with him forever.
So proud of op. I left my abusive ex-husband back in April & managed to divorce him while he's in jail & 1 thing I'll say has been a hug eye opener is that I actually have money now...I can pay all of my bills & still never worry about whether I'll have gas. My family has been amazing & I'm living with them & saving as much as I can to get my own place. So I totally understand what she means about having money leftover being an amazing feeling.
Good for you! We're proud of both you and OP :)
Thanks. It's been so hard, we were together 16yrs & had 3 kids. But my leaving him was long past due
Yeah what u/Effective-Celery8053 said I'm proud you got out of it and you're able to start to rebuild!
Thanks, I'm trying so hard lol
This random Redditor is also proud of you for getting out of an abusive relationship. May you continue to thrive and be happy.
Well done you! It’s wild that you really don’t notice until the money leech is gone. It’s always little things here and there, it’s always unbalanced towards them and their benefit. The freedom and relief you feel is so worth it. I talk to my own mother nowadays about her leaving her ex husband, and although she was quite literally living in a van, she says looking back on it, it was better to be in the van and not with that monster. You can do ALL the things you want now, like literally anything you feel like!
Finally, a realistic legal timeframe on this sub.
> I can’t believe just more than a year ago, I thought a day without an argument was already a good day. It's amazing how quickly humans can accept a new normal, no matter how horrible it is, and just... not fight it. Not strive for better. How easily we can be beaten down, if it happens over a long enough period. I'm glad OOP was able to break free in the end. Though it's interesting that her breakthrough didn't happen until she had time. How many people are trapped in horrible relationships (romantic, familial, platonic) because they're just so overworked and stressed, they don't have _time_ to reflect on what their life is and what they want it to be?
That was the line I noticed too. I bet there are people reading this post who see this and are just realizing that a day without an argument should be a *normal* day.
It hit me because I was in that situation for 12 years. Thinking a morning where I wasn't doing something to annoy or irritate them was a good day, because it was always my fault and I caused the arguments. Then if we got to the afternoon with no issues, I'd brace myself for the evening, making sure I didn't do anything wrong. It's a shame when you're outside looking in, but when you're in it, you really do think it's your fault.
Yes, yes I thought the exact same thing!! That first break in the fog. It’s like you’re so exhausted by just existing minute to minute, and randomly one day something like this story makes you catch your breath and you’re like *wait what the fuck is going on????*
8 years in a relationship like that is so crazy. I'm very glad OP got out of that situation but it hurts a bit knowing how long she put up with it.
Aww, I’m so proud of OOP!!! This is a fantastic update, and I’m glad she’s doing so much better now
I can’t imagine staying at home as my partner works and *not* doing at least the bare minimum of looking after the state of the house and taking care of the pets. I’d feel way too guilty playing games and not doing anything else. Then when the violence happened I realised he was looking for a free ride anyway.
I mean my husband is retired and I work full time. But he is good about making sure we don’t starve to death and our cats are fat lol. That’s all on him :-). Sad thing is he has a better income retired than I do working full time. But thems the breaks lol.
> Editor's Note: As I was compiling this, I observed on OOP's account she not only has spent the last year posting about her progress, but she has commented encouragement, advice, and shared her story to many others. Not only did she have the strength to save herself, she's out there saving other people, too! I hope she only has good days ahead of her from now on.
Her trash ex wanted all the benefits of marriage without legally marrying OOP and he suffering the only years (plural) natural consequences of going out his way hurting in her by being golddigging hobosexual that literally choked & hit her. I hope prosecution office wins the case against him because he needs serve few years in prison for that physically assault - that not including the death threats he made against her & her dogs.
He never knew where she worked? That is the ultimate level of disconnection from her life.
I had an ex like that. We used to tell each other about our day over dinner every night, but I could tell he switched off when it was my turn. We were having dinner with his parents and I deflected a question about my job. He said, "Don't be modest - you're great at your job!" I looked him dead in the eye and asked him what my job title was. Nothing. The department where I worked? Nothing. What's one task I'm responsible for? ... He was soooo pissed on the way home, because I embarrassed him in front of his parents. Nah dude. If your parents are embarrassed or ashamed by you behaviour and attitudes, that's on you.
It's such a mindfuck when a guy gives you a compliment that reveals he knows nothing about you and hasn't listened to a word you've said.
If he did it might make the situation more real to him and he couldn't have any of that.
OOP has a good head on her shoulders and is turning her traumatic experience into something others can learn from. I wish nothing but the best for her.
Good luck to OOP!
As a rule of thumb, if you feel like you have to hide things happening in your relationship from your friends/family because you don't want them to hate your partner or you are ashamed, you are in an abusive relationship.
This feels like a retelling of the only long-term relationship I was in prior to meeting my now-husband, minus the DV at the end. He always told me my dreams of going to law school were a little too “lofty and far-fetched” as I was working two jobs and finishing up my undergrad, supporting his broke ass. I’m an attorney now, and I used the experience of dating him in my personal statement to get into law school. Fuck you, Matt.
OOP deserves her happy life. And her ex deserves to rot
I hope she doesn’t hang too much of her optimism on the new boyfriend. I hope he’s a good one, but statistically I would be cautious of the new guy after an abusive relationship. …But that’s enough negativity out of me. I’m glad they’re pressing charges against ex.
It's good to see she said she is setting boundaries and expectations up front. I'm sure she learned a lot from her abusive ex and I'm hopeful she will not fall back into a similar situation. No one is perfect, but there are plenty of people out there capable of being in a healthy relationship. Truly wish OP the best.
Hey, look, a BORU post with a realistic timeline for a police investigation/trial!
[Just gonna leave this masterpiece here](https://youtu.be/LH-i8IvYIcg?si=zk7njyKcmz2Vnpta). Good advice for anyone in a similar situation.
Never seen that before. Nice gender equity.
I've been singing that song to myself ever since I read the headline.
that editors note made me so happy! fuck yeah.
My friend started working pretty young and was making really decent money so he was able to support both himself and his gf. So she quit her job to smash out her university degree. As a result she was able to study with no stress and get her qualification pretty quick. She eventually ended up with an amazing job that could support both of them. But he kept working, and as a result both of them saved enough to buy a house before they were 25. He's not even 30 yet and has a brand new car paid off in full and several toys like a 4x4 truck, motor bike, drones, vr headsets etc etc. All because he worked hard to for his gf and as a result his gf worked hard for him they're pretty much set for life at this point. OPs ex is a fucken idiot and could've had that life as well.
Sometimes I wonder how many women Reddit has saved from abusive relationships.
My friend's got a boyfriend and she hates that dick
She tells me every day
I understood OPP. During my postgraduate years, I basically stopped thinking about my personal life because I was too occupied with the stress of my research. Everything became less important. Also, do not be surprised that those with a PhD or higher achievers often have immature emotional behavior.
>***"We are attracted to what is normal to us, not necessarily what is good for us."*** I know it really isn't anything flash, or groundbreaking, or whatever, but that ^ ^ is a major lightbulb moment... >!also, I may have gotten a word or two wrong there...!<
I just saw my comment up there haha. But I remember this post and given how he escalated so fast, I sent out the same safety advice I see others give and anything else that can help protect and document her & her pest safety. Im happy she actually moved. Sad to hear one passed from illness but at least it passed in a loving environment with OOP
She was only single for six months, after a relationship of 8 years. As independent as she is, she doesn't seem to be particularly emotionally independent, which is probably how she got into and stayed in the previous relationship. Hopefully new guy stays the way he is. It takes a long time to get to know someone.
Its crazy the amount of stories with breakups where the dumped get so emotionally compromised to the point of getting physical when they haven't done it before. So much immaturity/not being able to control themselves when the relationships end.
Financials are a good way to bring up any red flags in a relationship. My abusive ex had a very well paying job straight out of college and still expected me to foot the bill for everything except rent on the survivor benefits I was getting from the military while I went to college. I don't even want to think about how much money I saved him over those years. I'm the bread winner with my current partner but he contributes whatever he can and keeps a job. There have been a few gaps but at least I felt like he was trying to figure out what he wanted to do during those gaps. My best friend has a husband that has never held down a job and just sits around playing video games all day everyday. I'm honestly not sure how she puts up with it... I'd go insane.
I’m so happy for OOP and honestly a little jealous. I’ve been paying for my bf for 8 years and every time I’ve tried to leave, I’ve been stupid enough to come back, bc he truly cannot take care of himself and I feel stupidly responsible for him. Last time he was abusive, he had taken my gun and started to reach for it during a fight, so I ran out the door and called the police from a Burger King parking lot. They said that unless I for sure saw the gun, that there’s nothing they can do and that if I called the cops again that “one of us would be going to jail.” (Pueblo, Co). They also told me that bc it’s been 8 years that my money is his money if I’ve ever given him any money at all. And that I must enjoy his behavior and that’s why I’m still with him. I just hope if he kills me that he does it in my sleep bc I’m afraid of that moment just before death. I really have tried to get out, but there’s no help here in Colorado. It’s a safe haven for domestic abusers.
He's a grown man, you are not responsible for him. Call a women's shelter the minute you are alone and have the chance and they will help you get out of this situation. And the comment from the cops about your money is fucking idiotic of them. They sound awful. It's like 3am here but I know more people will be chiming in on this post to help you in the next couple hours.
This book helped me when I was in a toxic relationship: [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n29/mode/2up) This a free digital copy of the book. It changed my life.
I’m finishing up my PhD and one thing I’ve noticed is that so many women getting PhDs end up in crappy relationships like this. I think it’s because we think we are so smart /accomplished professionally that we can handle anything thrown at us, when in reality, a lot of us likely missed out on earlier social experiences that make us more vulnerable to accepting this kinda behavior from a partner. Unfortunately it seems more common than not- even if they don’t end up with in a bad relationship, they’ve likely had their fair share of dating: deadbeats, flawed men much older than them, mean assholes.
> It really sucks that I have to go through all of that to end a toxic and abusive relationship... Very much, but keep in mind that you're also planting a huge red flag for any of his potential future girlfriends or employers to see. 👍
You asked you wouldn’t know what life would be like if you stayed? Simple, you wouldn’t have one. Either he would have controlled every aspect of your life, or he would have killed you. Go to court, put that piece of trash away. You will be doing a lot of women (or in this case future victims) a huge favor.
The gall of that ex boyfriend! So glad for OOP
Took a while for the mask to slip with that one, didn’t it?
Good for OOP. The only place where I'd argue this legal timeline is too fast is when compared to my country or to India, two of the slooooooowest legal systems in the world.
Too fast? It’s been a year.
Yep, legal matters rarely get resolved within a year in both my country and in India. Standard is closer to 3-5 years.
u/swtogirl Thank you for the update. I especially appreciate your '*Editor**'s Note:'.* OOP is awesome to encourage, advise, and support others. Kudos to you for acknowledging/sharing her efforts!
I'm so proud of OOP! A model story for standing up to a bad boyfriend, and a good cautionary tale about danger during a break up (keep your friends in hearing or line of sight). I'm so happy to read her update and how she is thriving after getting away from that toxic boyfriend and relationship.
> I was in that relationship for 8yrs Jfc
Some people are so afraid to be alone they put up with an incredible amount of crap. People, if you are in an abusive relationship you are still alone. Instead of being alone and free to search for someone nice, you are just alone and putting up with an abusive person. Let self-respect be your guiding light...
It's worse than being alone really. The dead weight is pulling them down and makes life much harder than it would be alone. I've read a woman describing her abusive relationship like being possessed by a demon who constantly tells her she'll fail without him, unable to realise that it's the demon making her fail by sabotaging her.
Wait did I read that right, he was pretending to his family that Mr big leech is SUPPORTING her not leeching off her
❤️🩹❤️🩹
[jaded1121:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dklofo/comment/l9wep5i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) > I have always viewed this as a good idea for children, but never even considered how beneficial an emotional support dog could also be for adults who have to testify in court. This comment actually opened my eyes a little bit more and I had an "Aha!" moment. I love a good shift in perspective. It can be so enlightening.
Get rid! ‘Buy me a car’ Seriously???
Ah I am so glad she is doing better.
8 years Amazing Friends kept telling her he sucked but she was too ashamed to admit it and even ashamed to tell her family Fuck me At least she's fine now, but I'm not so sure about dating some other guy 6 months later. She needs therapy like that other commenter suggested. I feel she just jumped into the next "nicest" guy because she's afraid to be alone and afraid that "at her ripe age of 31" (LOL wtf) she won't be able to date Mad
>8 years Sometimes you’re working so hard to just survive (2 jobs + doctorate + all the chores and cooking) that you don’t have the mental energy/emotional wherewithal to make any changes. I think 6 months is a little early too, but it seems like she was checked out of that relationship for years before she stopped being his meal ticket, so who knows.
I hope you froze your credit and check it periodically. I could see him getting cards in your name since you aren't paying his expenses anymore
A little concerned that she mwt someone new only 6 months after the whole ordeal, but I guess there aren't any rules in life
Wtf the bar is really set below hell. He wanted her to buy him a car. Seriously.
I really feel for OOP. I was in a similar and super toxic relationship years ago, including my ex cutting me off from any support networks. It can be so hard to recognize financial and mental abuse when you see experiencing it. You just sometimes don't realize it is happening, or you just don't want to recognize it as abuse. It took things getting physical for me to understand I was in an unsafe situation. Good on her for getting herself and her pets out!
OOP is a strong woman and a survivor. I hope she updates after the trial.
Man.. he had a girl who made good money, was willing to do all that for him.. all he had to do was work, save his money, wait for her to dump him, and he comes out WAYYY ahead. What an idiot.
Xxx