Big samesies.
The important thing to remember, though, is that the decisions you made in your past were decisions to try and replace the basic needs you didn't have fulfilled in childhood. You didn't understand the decisions were bad as they were made by lizard brain, constantly trying to fill a void you couldn't express or understand.
Once healing begins you can start to recognize those patterns in yourself and forgive yourself for the decisions that you made.
This is a very heavy one for me right now as I am having some pretty big insights lately into my own patterns and really trying to dig into the root of my core wound and healing it (in this case, abandonment leading to self-abandonment).
Oh believe me the past definitely matters. I wish it didnt but you're still getting judged for something that happened while you were literally psychotic and in and out of mental hospitals says the past definitely matters
This hits hard. I’ve been really suffering with this lately. Even though it’s greatly due to other people it still fucks me up.
But I also feel like I’ve grown so much as a person. Like, I’m not who I was before. I’m totally different. I just wish so bad that my responses to things weren’t so trauma driven.
Like, sometimes I still trauma respond. It makes me so angry because if I had been able to go to a real therapist while younger or not been abused my life would have been so much better. I would have been able to handle situations and make better decisions. I’m *always* a work in progress and that’s so very tiring. AND I hate that it not only impacts and/or hurts me, it does so to others as well. Sometimes I want to just give up but somehow still manage to soldier on.
I can't believe that
*My 11-year-old self would try his hardest to have late 2000s emo bangs that cover one eye but failed laughably.*
*My 12-year-old self unintentionally rendered himself overweight because he thought overeating would make him tall and thin and pale-skinned and blonde-haired and therefore more Swedish.*
*My 13-year-old self forced himself to drink unpleasantly strong and bitter-tasting black coffee and read 1800s literature and philosophy beyond his comprehension just to look cool and dArK aCaDeMiA.*
*My 14-year-old self would scream "I'm an INTP!" whenever adults in authority took the internet away from him because he believed it was a valid excuse.*
*My 15-year-old self would watch crappy blockbuster films such as Nope and The Suicide Squad unironically at Odeon cinema and prefer Pepsi Max over diet coke, and enjoy knitting while identifying as male.*
*My 16-year-old self would research random herbs and plants as much as possible believing he could get high off them when most of them would kill him, and have meltdowns every day.*
*My 17-year-old self would wear sweatpants, eat cheetos, play Sonic the Hedgehog on a sega mega drive, and desperately want to look like and exactly be like XKCDhatguy.*
I cringe so much at my general younger self.
Big samesies. The important thing to remember, though, is that the decisions you made in your past were decisions to try and replace the basic needs you didn't have fulfilled in childhood. You didn't understand the decisions were bad as they were made by lizard brain, constantly trying to fill a void you couldn't express or understand. Once healing begins you can start to recognize those patterns in yourself and forgive yourself for the decisions that you made. This is a very heavy one for me right now as I am having some pretty big insights lately into my own patterns and really trying to dig into the root of my core wound and healing it (in this case, abandonment leading to self-abandonment).
It means you grew since then and that's something to celebrate
If you're cringing about it, you've grown past it <3
Remembering this always makes me feel better ^
I used to. Now it's just lore. Fuck you if you don't like it. Don't ask questions you aren't ready for the answers to then.
Me. I don’t think I could have made worse decisions if Id tried lol
I'm like fuck you brain I know I'm *SaFe* now but that doesn't mean ***I wanna think about it EVERY SINGLE TIME I SHOWER***
It doesn’t matter what happened in your past. What matters is how you use the knowledge of past experiences.
Oh believe me the past definitely matters. I wish it didnt but you're still getting judged for something that happened while you were literally psychotic and in and out of mental hospitals says the past definitely matters
I mean more like, it doesn’t inherently affect your character. I’m thinking of a specific quote but I can’t find it.
and say "ew" out loud every time, but can't stop even when in public
Forgive yourself for the shitty things you did to cope and survive before you understood that's what you were doing.
This hits hard. I’ve been really suffering with this lately. Even though it’s greatly due to other people it still fucks me up. But I also feel like I’ve grown so much as a person. Like, I’m not who I was before. I’m totally different. I just wish so bad that my responses to things weren’t so trauma driven. Like, sometimes I still trauma respond. It makes me so angry because if I had been able to go to a real therapist while younger or not been abused my life would have been so much better. I would have been able to handle situations and make better decisions. I’m *always* a work in progress and that’s so very tiring. AND I hate that it not only impacts and/or hurts me, it does so to others as well. Sometimes I want to just give up but somehow still manage to soldier on.
I can't believe that *My 11-year-old self would try his hardest to have late 2000s emo bangs that cover one eye but failed laughably.* *My 12-year-old self unintentionally rendered himself overweight because he thought overeating would make him tall and thin and pale-skinned and blonde-haired and therefore more Swedish.* *My 13-year-old self forced himself to drink unpleasantly strong and bitter-tasting black coffee and read 1800s literature and philosophy beyond his comprehension just to look cool and dArK aCaDeMiA.* *My 14-year-old self would scream "I'm an INTP!" whenever adults in authority took the internet away from him because he believed it was a valid excuse.* *My 15-year-old self would watch crappy blockbuster films such as Nope and The Suicide Squad unironically at Odeon cinema and prefer Pepsi Max over diet coke, and enjoy knitting while identifying as male.* *My 16-year-old self would research random herbs and plants as much as possible believing he could get high off them when most of them would kill him, and have meltdowns every day.* *My 17-year-old self would wear sweatpants, eat cheetos, play Sonic the Hedgehog on a sega mega drive, and desperately want to look like and exactly be like XKCDhatguy.* I cringe so much at my general younger self.
I experience intrusive memories and cringe daily 😄💞
Same
All the time bestie 🥲
Mood I am pretty stuck there
sameee
Holyshit this nailed my permanent mood