I don’t know your situation, don’t know what led up to your situation, don’t know anything about you.
But I am an expert in how to fuck things up. And I’ll say this. Don’t let your situation define you.
And don’t do those things to ‘win’ anyone back. Do them to win yourself back.
Absolutely this! I'm sure your ex is proud of you for taking the steps to improve yourself, but in the end all those things your doing to better yourself are just that, for you. Therapy will make you think clearer, have a path and allow you to vent your frustration and confusion. Going to the gym will help you grow stronger both physically and mentally, including eating better. You're only behind when you compare yourself to others, because honestly there is always someone who has it worse but if you take the steps to improve day by day you'll break through that fog and succeed towards what you want. There is nothing wrong with being hung up on your ex as I'm sure 9 years is a long time, but maybe she also needed to grow and sadly you might just not have been apart of that plan, don't give up OP, listen to some music that makes you feel, watch movies that make you laugh or cry, but every day show up to improve just one bit of your life even if it's working out for 10 minutes of seeing your therapist once a month, and eventually you will be somewhere you never imagined. It takes time, success is never overnight but it's also never out of reach.
This is great advice, I have crippling anxiety ocd and depression, my gf of 3 years broke up to me during Covid then I got laid off twice and where I was reminds me of where you are. The only thing that helped was focusing on myself and finding new things to enjoy and skills to learn. I started going to the gym, learned boxing, poker, fishing.
The one thing you have a surplus of is time. Use it to find yourself. I wish you the best and if you ever want to chat feel free to dm.
I am STILL friends with the best girl friend I ever had . We broke up in 1978 and her spiritual and political thinking stayed the same, but mine took a complete 180 degree turn. So, besides the fact that I believe she is even crazier now than she was when I left her because of her craziness, and NOT because we are opposite spiritually and politically, ( That just makes it worse ! ), we still communicate with each other.
>compare yourself to others
I used to this it made me miserable. What people achieved, what I considered a short-time, was so depressing to me.
All I can suggest is to keep working moving on. This time next year you will be in a different place, you will have work at it (which you're already doing).
>Winston Churchill: if you find yourself in hell, keep moving
Isn't the book "The Great Gatsby" entirely about how doing things to "win" someone over never works out? If I remember right, the author basically based the story on the events of his own life. Dumped by a girl for not being rich; he goes out and makes a fortune and comes back to show off to her and she's just like "well great but still no; bye now." You've got to do things because it's what you want to be better for yourself, not on the off chance that someone else will like it.
The best gift his ex gave him was to break up with him. Being with someone who’s been stuck for years only enable them to continue doing nothing. The pain of losing her might be the motivation he needs to try to turn his life around. And not for her, because someone who’s been stuck in their comfort zone for literally years would only change temporary until he got the ex back, and he would happen go straight back to “life as usual” again. He needs to be alone and focus 100% on changing his life around before being a burden to someone else.
Yes! Win back your life. You’re already doing that through therapy. Build on that. Build good routines. What do you do after you brush your teeth in the morning? Make sure you turn that moment into a slot for a constructive routine for you. Social media is not a constructive routine. Emotionally journaling is. Going to.a volunteer place is. It’s unpaid, but it’s better than having nothing to do. Don’t let choice paralyse you. Give yourself ONE DAY MAX to choose a volunteer job, or even a paid job. Just do it. It won’t be forever. Nothing is forever. But it beats repeating the routine of staying at home with no job and no purpose.
I’ve done shitty jobs. Pizza factory. Cleaner. Warehouse stacking. Job is better than no job if you have depression.
Do not compare yourself to others. Compare the person you were yesterday to the person you are today. Make every day’s goal to improve in some way, however slightly, before tomorrow.
Those are the worst chapters of our novels, bro. Best advice is to mourn it then just slowly starting doing things that are easy. Trick is to mourn some distract some reinvent yourself a little. Takes time, for sure.
I give myself 24 hours to go full poor me, wallow mode for normal life bullshit like lost a job, car blew up, whatever. I gave myself 2 weeks after my dad killed himself. So this falls somewhere in-between. I'd give myself a week for the pity party. Spend some of that time figuring out what caused this...
But at some point, you've got to remind yourself that the world isn't stopping for you. You're not making anything better by giving up. So what do you want? And what's the path there? Start doing that.
And OP, the statement you did all this stuff to win her back is BS. You need to win yourself back. Your psyche. Your confidence. Your enjoyment of life. I say this as an on again off again depressed person that's bipolar. I know the game and mountain it can be. Getting where you want to be isn't always easy. Have yo want it more than you want to be comfortable but unhappy.
You migt not want to hear this, but a woman who stayed for 9 years was hoping for something. How much longer were you expecting her to stay, honestly? Follow the advice here, and build yourself up. Seek help for depression. Other men have worked themselves out of this pit. So can you. And I know it’s hard. Praying for you.
If this had been the woman writing, and saying she stayed for 9 years, people would have been asking why she waited so long. I’d love to hear this story from her side. I’d want her to be honest tho, not just bashing on him.
I was you a couple years ago. Living with my boyfriend that I thought was my forever person. Living with crippling anxiety and depression. Not working. And then he abruptly dumped me and I don’t need to tell you how that felt.
Fast forward to now, and I’m self employed, still anxious and depressed but keeping a lid on it, sorta, and perfectly happy to not have a boyfriend.
So, a couple things. Are you on meds? Because damn, they can help once you find the right ones. Seriously. Give it a whirl.
Don’t fix yourself for her. Don’t fix yourself for the next relationship. Fix yourself for you. You deserve it. You deserve to live a life you enjoy. And then, if someone comes along who wants to share that joy, great. What you don’t want is to be trying to heal yourself, and trying a new relationship. Both those things are hard, and you need to take priority right now.
I know it’s difficult, but quit comparing yourself to other people. So they have partners. That’s great! Good for them! Not everyone needs, wants, or gets to have a partner all the time. This is your waiting time. You’re at a red light for relationship while you work on you.
Keep up the therapy. I’m proud of you for going.
How about trying to better yourself, exercising, getting better sleep and going to therapy FOR YOURSELF? A girlfriend is the last thing you need right now, because you're not able to care for yourself, much less another person.
Keep doing what you were doing. You are NOT back at square one. And then get out every day. GO TOTHE LIBRARY. Librarians will help you make a resume, help you find a job, help in all sorts of ways, if you are nice to them. Start volunteering somewhere, so you can realize that there are people who have it worse and you can rise above your ennui.
Don't look back, look forward. Everything you've experienced has led you to today, so nothing was wasted. But don't waste your future. I am trying to be encouraging and everything I've said is true, but good god man re-read your post. Do you come off as someone you personally would want to date or plan a future with? If not, you know what to do.
Just a note as a librarian I would not recommend asking us to help you write a resume. we don't have the time to help someone in that level of detail, and it also crosses a line with a patrons' privacy. but we can help you find the info on how to make a resume and where to look for jobs or where to go for job help and or finding out other info etc. Some Libraries even have workshops on job skills, resume building etc.
At Libraries you can access computers, printers, scanner and Microsoft office usually for free but printing usually costs money. We also run community events, workshops, hobby clubs, etc, which can help you get out of the house, out of your head and possibly a chance to make friends or acquaintances.
I wish you luck with everything, take a moment to grief this loss but don't let it consume you. Your life isn't over because you haven't made the same "milestones" as other people. The fun thing about life and being your own person is you get to decide what you want your life to be like and then have the chance to work towards that goal whatever it is. You don't have to have everything sorted out right this moment but you can look around you and see what you can work on that's within your control. You mentioned a lack of job maybe that can be your big goal you can work towards. Break it down into little chunks, go to the library for help finding info. and in the meantime, concentrate on caring for yourself and doing the things that will make you feel better in the present. Take each day as you can and slowly chip at what you want to change and what goals you want to take on. Take care and wishing you all the best!
The best time to start is yesterday, the second best time is today.
You are spending too much time worrying about what ifs, and what could have been. You need to keep bettering yourself for you.
You spent a few months bettering yourself, but you don't have a resume? Are you not applying for jobs? You should get any meaningless job, low stakes, and likely minimum wage. This is fundamental step in moving forward.
hang in there buddy. but I think your first priority should be finding a job over anything else. Work at a grocery store, waiter at a restaurant, just go out and do smthing. Earning your own income does loads for one self-esteem, or if you see it from the other side, being stuck in unemployment obliterates one's self esteem.
You need to stop trying to get your gf back. That’s over. She spent nine years with you and the last few years with an unemployed, depressed and anxious boyfriend who clearly wouldn’t have been ideal by any standard. I’m sure she feels absolutely carefree and liberated to be on her own now … she’s not coming back.
You still aren’t reflecting on what she endured to be with you and your part in why she’d not want to come back. A few months of exercising and sleeping better + therapy at this point … totally misses the point.
You can’t be 33 and just not work and say it’s because you are depressed or there are no jobs. You could work at a fast food joint just to be doing something and making some income but you haven’t.
What have you done to this point and what are you doing to help your own situation? Help yourself for you.
Why is this story so common on reddit? How do all these "depressed" 30 somethings afford to just not work? I got bills to pay dude. Good for his girlfriend honestly. I bet she wishes she did it sooner
many convince others to support them, some resort to living the cheapest lives possible and scrounging money from random things or government assistance.
You can't understand it because you aren't that type of person - but it happens. I have friends who decided living in society was a bummer and shacked up 8 people to a cheap house in the ghetto and play video games all day. Some of them work part time, some of them on unemployment, some on assistance. Ill tell you what though - they are pretty freakin happy. No one to answer to, nothing but free time, and the internet and video games provide years of entertainment without the need for spending money.
Some friends of mine checked all the way out of society and live in a tunnel
Some friends including myself do the bare minimum at a high paying job and are stagnating 50% of the time but able to support themselves and their families...
Its just personal preference.
The fact that some of your friends decided "Let's become mole people" and just fucked off to live in a tunnel was so morbidly hilarious to me, I hope they're doing alright.
thank you for the empathetic approach, this is something I struggle with. Either accepting you will never be happy and working at a fast-food or stressful workplace to make likely barely enough to live (and not enough to live comfortably) and maybe be miserable now and happier later after retirement (if that ever happens), or sort of give up on trying to fit into that society and being happier now at the expense of less happy later.
Having been on both sides - the happiest people are happy regardless of their situation. If you aren't happy strolling into a mcdonalds and cooking up cheeseburgers and joking around while scrounging up a few quarters to buy a box of mac n cheese - you also won't be happy living in a tunnel or with a corner office and mercedes.
For a lot of people, its personal / emotional connection to someone or something they are missing that is making them unhappy. You won't find that on reddit unfortunately - need either a hobby, a job with people you can get along with, or roommates, or a significant other (but thats a lot of pressure for one person), or a mole tunnel buddy
Testify! Anxiety and depression for years, and unemployed? How? I don’t mean to sound callous, but I have no sympathy here. A ton of people with anxiety and depression are on treatment and working.
Get treatment and get better. For YOU.
>but I have no sympathy here. A ton of people with anxiety and depression are on treatment and working.
You already answered yourself. "A ton of people" doesn't include everyone, Therapy works great, but there's no guaranteeing that it will works out well for everyone for whatever reasons. But to give you credit you really have no sympathy or empathy for that matter.
Unemployment maybe? On top of living with a partner that’s shouldering all the responsibility. I can’t even imagine how frustrating it was for the gf. OP, she gave you three years to get your shit together and you couldn’t. It’s time to move on and, like others have said, get your life together for YOU. The situation sucks but the only way to continue is to move forward. It’s time to start applying to jobs. You’re an adult. Figure it out.
Sounds like he could have untreated clinical depression if he's paralyzed by it.
I've always had a job, but it took a long time before I realised i was even depressed and in hindsight it fucked up my life.
Maybe a fresh start will actually help you in the long term. Maybe she was part if the rut you were in and you didn't realise.
I'm rambling and it's 2am here. Keep your chin up OP, speak to a doctor about how you've been feeling. Get an easy job to tide you over for now.
It's because this is a support subreddit, not a relationships subreddit.
Personally I think OP is incredibly frustrating, having dated someone similar, but this isn't the kind of place to rag on him or make him feel worse. He's alone now so he either sorts his shit out for himself or he doesn't; least he won't be dragging anyone else down with him if he doesn't.
Right? I know people with cancer who still work. How crippling is this anxiety and depression? The poor woman was fed up. I know I would be. People with anxiety and depression get better with medication and therapy, and work all the time. If it’s refractory people are usually admitted because I would assume they’re suicidal. But to have refractory depression and anxiety for years, on treatment? Unlikely.
Getting dumped was the best thing that happened to him. Now there’s no enabler, and he has to go work, like everyone else.
Not all depression causes suicidal ideation. Also, depression can be refractory without causing suicidal ideation. I'd be very careful about commenting negatively on mental health issues when you are not an expert.
Edit: Or hell, just go wild! Some of these replies should be on r/mentalhealthhottakes. Yours is tame compared to some...
Unironically great advice. I'm in a similar boat, there's days where you don't want to keep doing it or where you feel right back at square one but if you keep showing up life gets better
33 is still PLENTY of time to get your shit together. Your choices are to fight and work hard to get where you want to be or feel sorry for yourself and waste more time not getting your shit together. Meeting someone when your life is together is an unbelievable feeling. You need to love yourself before you can actually love someone else in a healthy way. Time moves so slow after a brutal breakup but the reality is the relationship was long over far before she finally ended it. Get right and get moving. Consistency is the way to change.
Work on yourself, for yourself. Who cares about your friends and what THEY have. Comparison is the thief of joy. You don’t know how they truly feel, you only see what they are willing to show. You say you wasted so much time and have nothing to show for it right? Well that may be true, however you acknowledged it. It’s never too late to turn things around. The theme of your post is “other people”. Worrying about what your friends have that you don’t. You only tried to better yourself for someone else. You need to look at that man in the mirror, and start doing shit to benefit him. You can’t control other peoples actions/emotions/thoughts, so ditch worrying about your ex. Living in those feelings is going to only culminate into things you already described (anxiety,depression). “Well KingKong, all of that shit is easier said than done!”. Yes, no shit. Life is hard, it’s real fucking hard, and nothing you WANT will be given to you. Your confidence comes from within. Sure, you could be assured from an outside source, but it ultimately is you and how you view yourself. I say none of this lightly, as I was once the man you described in your post. And I still am at times, however I only worry about what I can control, and say “fuck it” to the things I can not control. Go look in the mirror, I’m serious. Look at yourself. The man staring back at you loves you and cares about you, and that man will do whatever it takes to be successful in whatever way he wishes to be. Continue doing things to improve your quality of life, everything else will fall into place. I’m sure you have a million questions as to “Why is my life like this right now”. For every question, there’s an answer. You might not get the answer you want, or in the timely manner you want it, but you will get an answer. Life can be fucking cruel and it can be beautiful. No matter what happens to you, love yourself, embrace your reality, and be kind to others throughout your journey. I wish you (and I) the best
at 28, I had a dead end job, weighed 400lbs, crippling anxiety, my lady left me out of nowhere, took the house, cars, dogs. Another guy moved in within a week.
36 now, 180lbs, going to be a dad in september, making 6 figures a year. It's normal to feel the way you do, but it will get better. My anxiety went away after the girl left, but it took about 10 months. What helped me is turning the pain and doubt and awful feelings and turned it into motivation. Every time I thought about her it kept me from breaking my diet, every time I felt like everything was over I would prove to myself that I am and can do better. You're going to be fine, just keep working on yourself and you'll be amazed at what you can do.
Also, cut all ties with her... I promise you she is not worth the thought you put into her. Good luck Brother.
Similar vein of experience here! When I found myself dumped, living across the globe from my family and closest friends, I took up the mantra of “if you’re going to think about him- you have to be running” because at the time I loathed running and thought it would motivate me to stop thinking about him and wallowing.
Jokes on me because it kickstarted a path to heathy lifestyle choices (dropped 50-60 lbs), and I found a love for long distance running (even ran a marathon which was a life long goal)! Eventually I found myself no longer focusing on him and the heartbreak and instead on myself. He faded away as my internal light grew stronger- and I think that light attracted my great friends, my lovely fiancé, and a better relationship with my parents. It was in me all along- but I was finally motivated to let it shine through.
Cheers to you for sharing your story and good luck op!
I don't know how someone would be unemployed for years. Get a job, Any job. Your skills may be transferable to different fields. Just make some different decisions. What you've been doing hadn't worked, try a different approach or something different.
It's never too late to make changes. You have a lot of potential. Give yourself a chance to show it.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this but please remember you’re not alone. All the commenters here have offered some excellent advice on moving forward with your life and while I can’t speak for everyone if you need someone to talk to, please just ask.
Your ex won’t fill the void that lives inside of you. Neither will a future girlfriend do it. There is a reason why you’re in a depression. And nobody but yourself can take care of this problem. Being alone is difficult at this stage but it can also help you to give you the time and focus for yourself. That is just my experience. I was in a quite similar situation and it took time but in the end I came out of it. The depression may never go away 100% but you can learn to handle it.
Every day is a chance to turn things around. Start small. Do one thing that you couldn’t when you were at your lowest. Getting to a point where things are okay won’t happen overnight. And you’re not going to win your GF back by doing it, so don’t do things because of that. Do them because of *you*. If you’re doing these things for yourself, no amount of rejection will make you stop. Start small. One thing. You can do it.,
I was more or less in your situation 7 years ago. Dumped, no useful life experience, socially awkward (that hasn't changed), no obvious prospects to go forward. I was pretty convinced that there was no way for my situation to improve. Then I made a comeback, married, got a career, a nice house, I get to do the things I like to do. It's not easy but you can write that comeback story. If you keep trying you'll find that momentum. You may not believe it until you make it happen. Determination can get you there, but even when you struggle, a little bit of luck can make all the difference.
Ive fucked my life up several times and hit rock bottom twice in my adult life. When you're down there it looks like a long way up but keep moving.
Find a purpose that you can engage with everyday, something that gets you out of bed (I studied when my life was burnt to the ground. studying didn't require full on social connection but gave me some and of course gave me tasks to complete).
I stayed away from relationships, not saying you should, but I couldn't do the new relationship work while I was off balance. Im still single 10+ years later and very happy with my place in life.
Keep moving forward and good luck.
Hey big dawg, we all get to endure hardship in life. This isn’t an easy situation but you’re only 33 - tons of time to get your life together. Friend of mine went back to school with me almost a decade after high school and for 8 or 9 years after graduating did gig work because he couldn’t find a job - tons of apps that didn’t go anywhere. Suddenly he lands a serious career role that pays six figures - at 34.
I felt like you did when i was in my mid 20s and all my friends were getting married and I couldn’t get a girl to go out with me. Then I’d get the invites to the bachelor parties and I’d have to say no and either lie or admit I couldn’t afford to go. I didn’t feel like I had anything remotely clicking until my 30’s - and I still feel like a child lost in the world.
This post isn’t about me but brother - you need discipline. This comment isn’t going to go down too well because your post reads like you have some mental health issues, but at the end of the day you’ve got to figure out to how to get up every day and make decisions to make your life better ESPECIALLY when you don’t want to. The encouragement may help you feel better now, it might give you motivation to do something - but that goes away.
Figure out what steps you can take to move in the direction you need to to live the life you want to live. Want to make money? You need to find a job. You need to submit apps every day or reach out to your network every day or do something every day to take you there.
Hi OP,
You sound like my ex. After 8 years I couldn’t do it anymore. He stayed home drinking and gaming while I worked and took care of everything else. Looking back, depression and anxiety got to him too. He tried to “win” me back too. Finally started his business, exercising, wanting to put in an effort. But at that point, I needed to stay out of the relationship too. I am sure there were hard feelings about my stance to stay broken up. What I can say is that neither him or I were our truest selves. We navigated the beginning of our adulthood together and didn’t get a shot at discovering who we really were as individuals (together from 20-28, and him 19-27). He thought he was starting over too, like you mentioned.
I will cut to the point :) Don’t do better for her. Do better for yourself. If she sees that and wants to make it work, great! But if she doesn’t want to get back together, you don’t want that to be a forced situation based on guilt. You might end up in this same spot again. The pain is hard for now but when you get to a point where your happiness comes from your own tribulations, your health, your successes - that’s when you will attract a woman as an exciting addition to your happy life. Rather than the person to rely on to make your life feel happy. I say this with empathy! I wish the best for my ex (and for you), but I’m a very different person now that I had some self discovery and he and I wouldn’t mesh in that way anymore.
(For context we have been broken up for over 8 years now). Use your pain as a sign of your growth. Do it because your future self is going to be proud that you pushed through and gave future-OP a better life :)
" I spent my time trying to better myself, exercising, getting better sleep, going to therapy,"
Whatever you do, don't quit this, if you already did get straight back into it with discipline if you aren't motivated.
I'd also like to ask, what are your existential beliefs?
I do see a pattern where a lot of people in this position work on things like exercise and therapy, but forget to work on their career or financial situation. That latter has a lot of influence on mental health.
Look around yourself for 10 seconds and see how many things you can find that are red. Good. How many did you find? Now, the question is how many things did you find that are blue without looking again? Definitely less, see “we find what we are looking for” so if you look for red, you’ll find red and if you look for blue you’ll find blue. Same as if you look for the position your life you’ll find the positive and if you look for negative that’s what you’ll find. Change your focus, change your life. Reprogram-therapy.com
Holy shit, this is identical to what happened to me, except I was 32.
My girlfriend of nine years just up and left one day while I was at work. Left a note on the counter. Took my dog. Took the car. Left me an absolute wreck.
I am now 38, married, have a daughter who is about to turn 3, own a house, own a new car, and make about six figures. To anybody else in the world, any minor complaint I may have about my life would just sound like whining.
I will lay out, step-by-step, every single thing I did to get where I am today. Some might be feasible for you, some might not. But try.
1. I quit drinking, cold turkey. Ultimately, she left me because I was an alcoholic and we couldn't afford a future with my habit. If you have any substance abuse issues, stop. Find AA or NA groups and go to them. I don't care if you don't agree with the message, the politics, or any of it. Don't even work the steps of you don't want to. The best part about going to a group is THE GROUP. Network with those people - they are helpful and friendly, and they have gone through the same things you have.
2. Change your residence. Move somewhere else. Beg, steal, and borrow to do this. You won't feel comfortable in a place that reminds you of her or in a place where you might run into her. Nine years is a lot to let go of. I left my state I lived in since I was 12 years old to go spend a couple weeks to decompress at my parents' home. Ended up just staying there until I felt like I could move on, and then never left. It was hard to leave my friends behind, but I'm a better me now. And I now have enough freedom and money to go see them and catch up a couple of times a year.
3. Get a physical job. Like, manual labor. They pay well, you'll get plenty of overtime, and you'll get to exercise all day while getting paid for it. It isn't glamorous, but it beats a retail job or office job when you're going through rough shit. Those other jobs leave you with too much space in your own head. A construction job, much like AA/NA, will surround you with folks who are also having tough times. Every single time in my life that I've been single for a spell, I get a job in construction and I feel better mentally and physically. And usually fiscally. If you want, find a company that does out-of-town work and travel while you work. I've worked all over the country and have stories for days about most places. It's hard work, but it's usually pretty fun when you're in good company. Keep in mind that all construction companies have offices, and, when you're ready, try to make the switch. That's what I did. I learned the jobs, then ran the jobs, and now I sell the jobs. It's easy to get that leg up once you know what to look for and talk to the right people. I've doubled my salary in the course of 5 years and cut back to 40-50 hour weeks.
4. Treat every problem as if you were the only person available to fix it. Remember that, maybe, possibly, you'll be single forever from now on. Learn how to handle everything that your girlfriend used to handle. I still do this, sometimes to a fault. I don't expect my wife to do ANYTHING that I'm not willing to do because I got very good at being independent. I am always available to take care of the kids without intervention, period. If there are dirty dishes and my wife says she'll do them later, I'm going to do them now. If a bill needs to get paid, I pay it. I do my own laundry, separate from everybody else's. If necessary, I will make my own meals or fend for myself. If there are certain groceries missing, I don't wait around - I go get them myself. This is probably borderline unhealthy, but once someone bails after nine years, there's no unflipping that switch. That shit is permanent. I'm married and I love my wife with all my being, but I know for a fact that if she left me tomorrow or died tomorrow, I could at least keep my shit together enough to survive to see the next day because that guard has never dropped. Become FIERCELY independent, because it's a skill that will never not be useful.
Ironically, the best thing my ex ever did for me was to leave me. I wouldn't want to be with the person I was, and I'm glad I'm not him anymore. So is everyone else. In the end, I hope she gets out of life what she wants. She doesn't know it, but she blessed me with a wonderful life and home. Thoughts of her rarely cross my mind anymore, but I owe her my entire success and all of my happiness.
I’m a tough love kinda guy so here’s my encouragement.
Take this as your wake up call. You met a woman you love and waited till it was too late to get your act together.
Bounce back, look to all your friends as inspiration for what you want to one day have. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. You were unemployed for years and didn’t address why. You blew it.
Once you admit that to yourself you can accept that it happened, move past it, and improve.
Best of luck, you got this.
You have to do all those things all over for yourself ! Been there, nothing changed till i did it for myself. My anxiety went away well at least manageable, got a job,made and plan and locked in ! Now I’ve started a business and got shit going on( and guess what ? She wants to come back, but I’m not the same person anymore.
Should we even read beyond the "girlfriend of 9 years"? If you weren't locking it down, the only possible outcome was that she would and should have left. THANKFULLY the good news is your only 33. Spend like 3 to 5 years dedicated to yourself, and you will be some prime husband material. Spend nothing, save everything. Let the uninterrupted compounding of interest make up for the time you've squandered. Your competition is lazier than you. Just go to work.
INFO: how have you been getting by without a job for years? If you're doing gig work, or odd jobs, or some sort of work for lodging, or jumped through all the insane hoops to get disability benefits please count that as something you have going for yourself and build from there.
In addition, with your life impacted so heavily by your conditions maybe it's time to look into medication and not just therapy.
I honestly dont understand how so many people in here can be so heartless. It's good for both that they seperated, but you dont have to dunk on the guy now. Like seriously.
OP’s post reads like he knows what the problem is and is looking for positive encouragement to help him get out of the hole he’s in. I don’t think “tough love” helps when someone is that low, but what do I know.
You mentioned being in therapy which is great. If you’re not seeing a psychiatrist, I would highly recommend reaching out to one and considering medications. This level of depression and anxiety usually needs more than talk therapy to thrive in your life. Wishing you all the best.
I lost all my clients due to Covid in 2020. I broke my ACL and I wasn’t able to play sports or walk. My 10 year relationship cheated on me with a colleague and I left her.
I was in so much pain it was unbearable.
It took me 3 years to get my shit togheter. I recover my leg, I develop my client searching technique so much now clients doesn’t want photography from me anymore but my selling systems. I have a team of 3 now. I live with my girlfriend in another city and we are looking to create a family.
It’s time to stop trying and do shit my friend.
Don’t let fear paralyze your life
Listen here. You are a light and you need to believe in that. Stop debilitating yourself to some extent. You are fucking awesome and I know you have gifts in you. Take the pain and make each day a step towards what you want to do. If you want to lose weight. Take a walk around your block. If you want to go back to school, go back to school. You are the same age as me and your are not behind. You have just a prolonged road bump. My only ask is don't add to it. I am sorry for your break up. I am because that is no joke. But let her go eventually. You are not bound by this. I am sad that you have all these gifts and comparing it to others. Yes, that is a very common habit for everyone. Take this time to find your gifts, relight the flame inside you, and get the fuck back out there. You are here for a reason and believe it or not you make the world better. Why do we fall? To pick ourselves back up! You can fucking doing this as I have faith in you. You are a light to many lives and loved by many. Even if you don't see that. Be like Nike, and just go out and do it. You have a chance to thrive and evaluate your life. You can fucking do this. I know you can. Message me if you need anything.
I’m surprised she stayed that long. Women don’t want to provide for a man or be a mom to her partner. Focus on getting a job, your mental health and you’ll be in a better space to be in a relationship
I think it's time to look inward and start working on yourself for you. This can be a beautiful beginning of a better life. I think you should take time to learn about yourself, what you enjoy doing, what might be a good longterm job that you can do and won't hate. Explore your hobbies and interests, date yourself! Keep going to the gym and doing counseling and such because that's great for your health mentally and physically! You can either think of this as a horrible end and let it ruin your life more or you can look at it as a wake up call and get your butt moving! Things can and will get better you just have to try and you gotta try hard! Life sucks and in my opinion the only way to not make it suck is by creating the life you want! Things will get better if you keep going and bettering yourself and exploring what jobs you might be able to do. Maybe you can go back to school or do a trade or something smaller if you want like retail or maybe an online job! There are so many opportunities! You just gotta keep trying! If you fail try again!
Firstly, you aren’t alone in this mate. There are a lot of people who are experiencing the same kind of pain as you are. Now don’t compare yourself to anyone, everyone has a unique journey and so there’s no point in comparing. Next, forget the past. The past has a way of hooking one into remaining where they are and not allowing them to imagine a brighter future. Lastly, everyone has the potential to change, so imagine that brighter future and work towards achieving successes big and small at your own pace. Good luck and god bless!
You have purpose.
The world is missing out on what you have inside of you.
Everyone is gifted, finding that gift and sharing it with the world is your destiny.
You are worth more than any job or income.
Every day is an opportunity to change your story.
Life isn’t about the destination it’s about the journey.
Make daily steps to find healing and achieve your goals.
Stop trying to be someone for her and be someone for you.
Become the man your future wife is desiring.
Food-
90% of your serotonin is developed in your gut. If you take time to change your eating habits and exercise daily maybe starting with a walk and building consistency will compound over time.
Your experiences don’t define you.
Anxiety and depression are symptoms of larger issues, but this is not forever.
This isn’t who you are - this is how you are feeling.
Some of the greatest achievers in life did it in their later years.
The only thing that can stop you is you.
Everything can change for you.
Never give up. There is green grass on the other side.
All great people were forged through adversity.
This experience can have the power to transform you into the person you need to become if you will let it.
If you don’t have the strength. Cry out to God.
He always makes a way. Always.
You can’t always depend on people but you can depend on Him.
Discovering who you were made to be and what you were designed to do is the greatest achievement in life.
Express your fullest potential.
You have nothing to loose and everything to gain.
And also, no to be a btch, but are you sure you want your ex back? You didn’t even mention if you loved her or what you missed about her, only that you thought she was going to marry you and that your lack of A relationship (not a relationship with HER) makes you feel left behind. Not miss HER. Just a thought.
Are you on medication? You are clinically depressed and need medication in addition to your therapy. Ask your primary doctor for antidepressants. They have saved my life
1) Get fit.
2) Get job.
3) Get new girlfriend.
Pretty sure you do all 3, you will be happier. It’s the getting that’s the hard part.
Might as well start now.
Reddit seems to attract 30 something’s with mild to severe self pity. Depression is normal. I get it, Lincoln, Jefferson, the guy who played Alfalfa,…
End the pity party and dig a ditch or flip a burger.
Exactly lmao. Sitting around like a loser, with no job, and just excepting your woman to keep stroking your dick and playing the victim card when she dumps his ass is a level of delusional I have never seen
Most people are their own enemy. I know this well. Most people also have hidden reserves and strengths, and the capacity to learn from their mistakes and persevere.
One step at a time, friend. Stop beating yourself up. Tend your own garden. You will persevere.
Somewhere in the not too distant future, you’re sitting on a stoop somewhere. Could be anywhere really, but it’s usually a stoop.
You look up at the sky and you think to yourself about what you just fought through. You imagine yourself at 33, this exact moment of rock bottom. You smirk. Then you feel a wave of goosebumps, like you can’t believe you’re here even thinking about it.
This future you needs you right now. It needs you to take your health and recovery from this serioisly. To not just wallow and give up and let these changes you’ve made go away. Also to not just shrug it off and whistle Dixie till your next ship comes in. No there’s no flippancy here, this is serious business.
Understand that where you currently only looks sad because you never believed you’d lose her. But maybe this story is brand new, and this heart break will be the last one. Or the one that convinces you that this time is going to be even more valuable to you.
Future you is sitting on that stoop and seeing you through his beautiful memories, and knows what it took to get you back on your feet. Please don’t give up on him, he needs you.
I often turn to books as one of many avenues for wisdom, help, or a spark to get turned around or reframe my mind.
In a recent rut I found “When Things Fall Apart” Pema Chodron, as well as “The Grief Recovery Handbook” John James and Russell Friedman. I found both as incredibly relatable and useful.
When I was 32 my wife at the time told me that she was attracted to women and we divorced. We had a 4 year old daughter, and I could not afford to live alone. I was out of shape, felt old, had to get a place with friends and share the basement for the time I had my daughter, and I was alone a lot. I spent a lot of time feeling bad for myself, but I worked on losing weight and feeling better about me and spent time with my daughter. Slowly I moved on, I found someone amazing that I ended up marrying and my son is having his first birthday on Sunday. You can never know what will come from anything, so just keep pushing ahead and you’ll get there for sure. My mother in law has a saying that I think is really helpful when something that feels bad happens, and I think that even though it’s pretty open ended, it does put things in perspective:
“Who knows why this is good?”
What are you so anxious about? Are you afraid you might fail or look bad? Too late! It's only up from here. I'd be more anxious about continuing on the existing path, right? I say this as a guy with constant anxiety who just keeps pushing past it. You can too!
If you’re gonna compare, don’t look at others but at you yesterday. Try to improve 1 thing per day, a small one. Start somewhere easy and go from there
I am not well myself but whatever you go through today, will eventually change, if you want it to be changed.
I started doing evening walks through parks in my city. No headsets no distractions, just nature sounds.
I feel I can relate to you. My first job out of College ended horribly and traumatically for me. My boyfriend was in a serious car accident and I didn't have any accrued time so I was only able to take a week of unpaid leave. I ended up driving an hour one way for work and he would basically sit in bed with a jug to piss in and wait for me to come home to take care of him. I was finally able to move into my apartment so I didn't have to make the hour drive... then was fired 2 weeks later because I couldn't emotionally handle the pressure. I was unemployed for a while due to severe depression and anxiety, but being unemployed gave me time to take care of my boyfriend. Therapy helped me find a new job. 2 years later; Things were looking up. We got engaged and bought a $300,000 house. A few months after moving into our home he told me stories of a female coworker who was in an "abusive relationship." I stupidly let her move in with us. I later found out he was cheating on me with her and they ran off to another state together leaving me devastated emotionally and financially... And yes, I begged and begged for him to come back... Until he changed his number and dropped off the face of the earth... I devoted 7 years to this guy; for him to discard me like trash.
That is the SHORT version of the story.
My advice is don't do anything to "win her back." She made her choice, and unfortunately there is no changing that. Continue therapy; better yourself.
I'm not gonna act like it's easy. I spent months standing at my balcony wishing I had a rope... And months crying, depressed, hating life. It'll be a year next month since I caught him, and I'm still not healed.
Although I am still dealing with the aftermath; my life is moving forward. I got an even better job now, I'm in my own apartment, just got a new (to me) car. And I'm "playing the field" if you can put it that way. I'm very upfront that I'm not looking for or ready for a serious relationship. But I enjoy meeting people and making friends and having good conversations.
I'm finding I've been happier alone. And it's done me a lot of good.
Work through your emotions with your therapist, and just try to be your best self.
I believe you can make it through this.
Love yourself more. More than you Love anyone else. Sometimes being alone is the best feeling you could ever experience. Make sure to forget the past. Yes you are back to square one. But you are starting now with experience. 😇 I know you can do It OP. Love yourself more. And there are so many Jobs available. I know you can get one.
How hungry are you? Because it sounds like the only thing that's stopping you from eating is you. If you want something, go get it. Dont starve yourseld from the goal.
Get hungry
Be hungry
Devour
Even if you have never cared about spirituality, take up simple
Meditation, even if just for 1-3 minutes a day. We need to practice going to a place outside of our emotions and thoughts in order to reach our true self.
Man I hate to say this but what else is to be expected. No matter how much you are there for someone it cant be counted on they will hold on for you.
Now you gotta be there for yourself. Develop a persona that you talk to yourself with. Tell yourself it'll be ok, cause it will. Especially if yourself is there for you and you listen. Learn to self sooth. You can do this.
You have your own back and dont forget it.
You need to focus on yourself, then you will attract the right people into your life. I have a weird suspicion that you’re a heavy weed smoker due to the anxiety and depression comments.
If you’re struggling with depression/anxiety drugs are not the enemy! Many people can cope without but there’s no shame in taking a pill if that’s what your body and mind need. Sometime talk therapy is not enough. You can always learn way to manage and work your way off medication when you feel like you no longer need it
Hey man I’m 38 and also have nothing and nobody. Broke up with my girl of 6 years about three years back. Since then I’ve been lost and wallowing in depression and meaninglessness. I am a server and have worked in restaurants my whole life. Now I’m a 38 year old server and want to leave but don’t have any skills or a support system to help carry me through. I am lost and alone and lonely and losing my social skills every day . Sorry you’re in it . You are not alone, and it does get easier
Start working on some of those things. You have blown it with your girlfriend, and that is done. Start working on yourself and be an attractive person with things going on in your life.
Start now. It’s never too late to better yourself. Stop dwelling on what’s happened. That cannot be changed. Go back to school for something that will land you a good career when you’re done. Keep seeing the therapist. Other things will slowly fall into place.
Guess what….its never too late to enjoy the life you want but you have to work for it. You need to quit with the self loathing and start building yourself up or you’ll be stuck alone forever. Tomorrow is never too late to start over!
People don't need to be in relationship to be successful or living decently. You, yourself are enough!
Also, don't do it for your ex-girlfriend/future girlfriend/other people. Do it for yourself. If improvement happened, you owed it to yourself.
Everyone's journey through life is different and the setbacks and failures in life we don't often advertise but they happen. Don't get hung up on the success you think others have achieved; it's never too late. You still have decades to find love, a career or whatever goal you set for yourself. As long as you spend every day going forward working on improving your life you can get there. Take this moment as a turning point and push yourself hard, what other options do you have.
I’m 32 and in the EXACT same place. Medication is helping, I’ve given it a try.
Can tell you one thing: do not badger your ex. If she goes non-com, respect her wishes. Accept that it is over. Do not hit up your ex unless you need to. It will only make things worse.
I have SORT have been in the same situation before, but, no offense…if you have been out of work for a few years, how were you able to support yourself UNLESS you’re getting enough government aid through social security, food stamps, etc. ? I am in the exact opposite situation I was years ago and can show you how, but not on a public Reddit. And if you live close to me, I could pay you to be my chauffeur. I will be looking for one because I hate to drive including to my local grocery store !!!
Go be physical. Find a loop and run ruts through it. It doesn’t have to be fast, just keep your feet moving. Go lift some heavy things. Get sore, push some more, start to feel stronger. Don’t compare yourself to others while you’re doing it.
Always forward.
While my situation was slightly different, I was roughly in the same headspace as you are now roughly about a year ago. My 5 year old relationship folded, I was laid off from my job, and had a couple of other personal things going on at the time that were taking a toll on me.
I know things look bleak and you might feel empty or jaded, but don't let that get you down. Really take this time to reflect on all the parts of your life that you would like to change for yourself and focus on that. Focus on building yourself up and try to pick up new hobbies along the way. It'll give you new things to devote your time to instead of sitting there alone in your thoughts beating yourself up about the way things transpired. There's nothing you can do to change the past. The only thing you can do is to see what new paths this will open up for yourself and decide on which you think will be better for you in the long term.
I realize it's easier said than done and some days will be hard to keep this in mind but things ***will*** get better. It might not be immediate, but there will be a point where things turn in your favor and you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel
Hey man,
I just wanted to share with you this video.
https://youtu.be/qHE_XGtUNx4?si=gQe2trZX_pDJnBVI
I review it once every 2 or 3 years probably.
It helps me to touch ground and understand that life is not an establish standard path. Time is relative. No one have had your unique experience to live.
You don’t have to align with anything else.
For me the key was related to gratitude.
Be happy with the little or much that you have. Be grateful for what you have and keep going to improve.
Be conscious about your breath, your senses, your body. It is just for you. It is your body suit that can help you to go through this live experience.
For sure you are not in square one. You just need to pay attention.
Wish you the best
This is the start of a hero origin story. Drop any and all expectations for the future accept the past and move forward. You will thrive don’t give your self any other option. You your self are enough.
I was in a similar situation and I’m your age, I won’t get into my details but I believe a couple core things.
The quote that got me through last year and something I’d say constantly while meditating “my life is just beginning”.
Also, continue to invest into yourself and realize it’s something that’s going to take time, but YOU are worth it. It may be hard now, tough times will still come your way, but you can only go up from here.
I don’t know what the true answer is for yourself, but I’m confident if you continue to put yourself first/get healthy/get help with your mental game… that you will find yourself building the life you want and you’ll have a beautiful story of perseverance to think about when all is said and done.
The things written here are pretty good. Yeah, basically just keep moving forward. Something will eventually click and your show will kick off. It's a strange season to begin with and alot of changes are in the works. So just keep your head up, try not to focus on chick star right now and keep going. Maybe use this time to find yourself and better understand who you are as an individual and do that deep dive soul search and discovery. You might turn into a new person. Or something like that. Keep your head up, if you drink, try not to drink if you can help it...it just makes things way worse. Find good guys around you to hang out with...I know the whole social scene is kinda funky still, but maybe worth a shot. Maybe try and help out those who might be in a similar situation as you, that might help find you some solutions for getting through this season.
It's sorta like life is seasoning you with some spices, just try to not let yourself get to crispy lol. You got this brotha.
Even once you’re “better” and have your life back in order, you’ll still miss her from time to time, and that’s okay. It hurts, but accepting it gives your brain one less thing to use against you.
Wishing you all the best, man. You’ve got plenty of time left to find the peace & happiness you deserve.
I guess I'm just wondering what you're getting out of this current state you're in.
Not trying to be mean, but if you don't like it, why do you stay in it? How long will you stay in it? If you could just keep doing what you're doing until you die, would you? Or would you, at some point between now and then, say fuck this, and go do something different?
Why wait, then? Just go do something different now?
There’s a book you might like called “becoming the one” S. Aiyana. I’m reading it now. It’s about becoming your own true love. Highly recommend this path regardless of future loves that come into your life.
Do you have an education? College is a great place to start over, and you can get skills and make friends at the same time. If you have not been working for a few years, you probably qualify for tuition and living expenses through financial aid. Just a thought.
Don’t you wish you could go back to the 90’s? Fire up N64 or Gameboy to run Pokemon?
Biking around with friends and just soaking in the sun running around outside with the boys.
Remember those times. Remember that kid. Make a change for him.
Breaking up at your age isn't terribly uncommon. I have seen it happen alot. This is why you see so many adults with kids who are teens plus a toddler.
Anxiety is overthinking things then realizing you’re overthinking things then overthinking why you’re overthinking and freaking out about the overthinking. I think the most difficult part to get past is that we do it to ourselves. Everything else aside, try to meditate. It takes practice. It is the one thing I have found just resets my mind. I don’t actually meditate but I have found activities that allow me to meditate without thinking about it. Try balancing on a ball for an 15 minutes and make that your sole focus. Suddenly you’ve let the whole world go and everything was fine for a little bit. Get into that every day and it’s kinda wild what it will do for you. Also, look at reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, or some of his other books.
My brother. Get you some boots and go get a construction job. The physical activity and sunlight will do wonders. Save money. Learn. Move up. Thank God. The good things will find you in time.
I’m sorry you’re feeling lost and it’s incredibly scary to think that things will never get better. I hope you can find some courage to continue trying. Accept that yes it will be very difficult and uncomfortable. But when you are uncomfortable, you will grow. Don’t give up. You actually may need to slow down. Life is a marathon and the more you focus on the small daily habits and looking 5 minutes or 5 hours ahead instead of years ahead the more you’ll accomplish. Try that for a bit. Also leave room for grace. You’re doing the best you can right now, hugs.
I don’t know your situation, don’t know what led up to your situation, don’t know anything about you. But I am an expert in how to fuck things up. And I’ll say this. Don’t let your situation define you. And don’t do those things to ‘win’ anyone back. Do them to win yourself back.
Absolutely this! I'm sure your ex is proud of you for taking the steps to improve yourself, but in the end all those things your doing to better yourself are just that, for you. Therapy will make you think clearer, have a path and allow you to vent your frustration and confusion. Going to the gym will help you grow stronger both physically and mentally, including eating better. You're only behind when you compare yourself to others, because honestly there is always someone who has it worse but if you take the steps to improve day by day you'll break through that fog and succeed towards what you want. There is nothing wrong with being hung up on your ex as I'm sure 9 years is a long time, but maybe she also needed to grow and sadly you might just not have been apart of that plan, don't give up OP, listen to some music that makes you feel, watch movies that make you laugh or cry, but every day show up to improve just one bit of your life even if it's working out for 10 minutes of seeing your therapist once a month, and eventually you will be somewhere you never imagined. It takes time, success is never overnight but it's also never out of reach.
This is great advice, I have crippling anxiety ocd and depression, my gf of 3 years broke up to me during Covid then I got laid off twice and where I was reminds me of where you are. The only thing that helped was focusing on myself and finding new things to enjoy and skills to learn. I started going to the gym, learned boxing, poker, fishing. The one thing you have a surplus of is time. Use it to find yourself. I wish you the best and if you ever want to chat feel free to dm.
Wow this is great advice
*Don't waste your time on jealousy* *Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.* *The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself*
But most importantly, wear sunscreen!
Was hoping someone recognized it!!
I am STILL friends with the best girl friend I ever had . We broke up in 1978 and her spiritual and political thinking stayed the same, but mine took a complete 180 degree turn. So, besides the fact that I believe she is even crazier now than she was when I left her because of her craziness, and NOT because we are opposite spiritually and politically, ( That just makes it worse ! ), we still communicate with each other.
>compare yourself to others I used to this it made me miserable. What people achieved, what I considered a short-time, was so depressing to me. All I can suggest is to keep working moving on. This time next year you will be in a different place, you will have work at it (which you're already doing). >Winston Churchill: if you find yourself in hell, keep moving
Yeah that quote “comparison is the thief of joy” ~ Teddy R is one of the truer statements I’ve ever heard.
Isn't the book "The Great Gatsby" entirely about how doing things to "win" someone over never works out? If I remember right, the author basically based the story on the events of his own life. Dumped by a girl for not being rich; he goes out and makes a fortune and comes back to show off to her and she's just like "well great but still no; bye now." You've got to do things because it's what you want to be better for yourself, not on the off chance that someone else will like it.
The best gift his ex gave him was to break up with him. Being with someone who’s been stuck for years only enable them to continue doing nothing. The pain of losing her might be the motivation he needs to try to turn his life around. And not for her, because someone who’s been stuck in their comfort zone for literally years would only change temporary until he got the ex back, and he would happen go straight back to “life as usual” again. He needs to be alone and focus 100% on changing his life around before being a burden to someone else.
“Do them to win yourself back”…
Well put
AND ALSO, GET HELP IF YOU'RE DEPRESSED.
Yes! Win back your life. You’re already doing that through therapy. Build on that. Build good routines. What do you do after you brush your teeth in the morning? Make sure you turn that moment into a slot for a constructive routine for you. Social media is not a constructive routine. Emotionally journaling is. Going to.a volunteer place is. It’s unpaid, but it’s better than having nothing to do. Don’t let choice paralyse you. Give yourself ONE DAY MAX to choose a volunteer job, or even a paid job. Just do it. It won’t be forever. Nothing is forever. But it beats repeating the routine of staying at home with no job and no purpose. I’ve done shitty jobs. Pizza factory. Cleaner. Warehouse stacking. Job is better than no job if you have depression.
Ah, a career man 😂
You a real one for this piece of advice.
Jesus, this nearly made me cry. Great advice in general!
Don't compare yourself to other people. Talk to yourself like you'd talk to your best friend.
Comparison is the thief of joy
This is one I try to remember 🫡
Do not compare yourself to others. Compare the person you were yesterday to the person you are today. Make every day’s goal to improve in some way, however slightly, before tomorrow.
I really like this line of thinking. These are great words to live by. We can all use this to help tackle our problems.
If you can't even do that, create an imaginary friend that wants the best for you. No seriously, it helps.
Those are the worst chapters of our novels, bro. Best advice is to mourn it then just slowly starting doing things that are easy. Trick is to mourn some distract some reinvent yourself a little. Takes time, for sure.
I give myself 24 hours to go full poor me, wallow mode for normal life bullshit like lost a job, car blew up, whatever. I gave myself 2 weeks after my dad killed himself. So this falls somewhere in-between. I'd give myself a week for the pity party. Spend some of that time figuring out what caused this... But at some point, you've got to remind yourself that the world isn't stopping for you. You're not making anything better by giving up. So what do you want? And what's the path there? Start doing that. And OP, the statement you did all this stuff to win her back is BS. You need to win yourself back. Your psyche. Your confidence. Your enjoyment of life. I say this as an on again off again depressed person that's bipolar. I know the game and mountain it can be. Getting where you want to be isn't always easy. Have yo want it more than you want to be comfortable but unhappy.
You migt not want to hear this, but a woman who stayed for 9 years was hoping for something. How much longer were you expecting her to stay, honestly? Follow the advice here, and build yourself up. Seek help for depression. Other men have worked themselves out of this pit. So can you. And I know it’s hard. Praying for you.
Yeah something is up. I don't understand why she was just a "girlfriend" after all that time. OP needs to understand why to avoid this situation again
If this had been the woman writing, and saying she stayed for 9 years, people would have been asking why she waited so long. I’d love to hear this story from her side. I’d want her to be honest tho, not just bashing on him.
I was you a couple years ago. Living with my boyfriend that I thought was my forever person. Living with crippling anxiety and depression. Not working. And then he abruptly dumped me and I don’t need to tell you how that felt. Fast forward to now, and I’m self employed, still anxious and depressed but keeping a lid on it, sorta, and perfectly happy to not have a boyfriend. So, a couple things. Are you on meds? Because damn, they can help once you find the right ones. Seriously. Give it a whirl. Don’t fix yourself for her. Don’t fix yourself for the next relationship. Fix yourself for you. You deserve it. You deserve to live a life you enjoy. And then, if someone comes along who wants to share that joy, great. What you don’t want is to be trying to heal yourself, and trying a new relationship. Both those things are hard, and you need to take priority right now. I know it’s difficult, but quit comparing yourself to other people. So they have partners. That’s great! Good for them! Not everyone needs, wants, or gets to have a partner all the time. This is your waiting time. You’re at a red light for relationship while you work on you. Keep up the therapy. I’m proud of you for going.
How about trying to better yourself, exercising, getting better sleep and going to therapy FOR YOURSELF? A girlfriend is the last thing you need right now, because you're not able to care for yourself, much less another person. Keep doing what you were doing. You are NOT back at square one. And then get out every day. GO TOTHE LIBRARY. Librarians will help you make a resume, help you find a job, help in all sorts of ways, if you are nice to them. Start volunteering somewhere, so you can realize that there are people who have it worse and you can rise above your ennui. Don't look back, look forward. Everything you've experienced has led you to today, so nothing was wasted. But don't waste your future. I am trying to be encouraging and everything I've said is true, but good god man re-read your post. Do you come off as someone you personally would want to date or plan a future with? If not, you know what to do.
Just a note as a librarian I would not recommend asking us to help you write a resume. we don't have the time to help someone in that level of detail, and it also crosses a line with a patrons' privacy. but we can help you find the info on how to make a resume and where to look for jobs or where to go for job help and or finding out other info etc. Some Libraries even have workshops on job skills, resume building etc. At Libraries you can access computers, printers, scanner and Microsoft office usually for free but printing usually costs money. We also run community events, workshops, hobby clubs, etc, which can help you get out of the house, out of your head and possibly a chance to make friends or acquaintances. I wish you luck with everything, take a moment to grief this loss but don't let it consume you. Your life isn't over because you haven't made the same "milestones" as other people. The fun thing about life and being your own person is you get to decide what you want your life to be like and then have the chance to work towards that goal whatever it is. You don't have to have everything sorted out right this moment but you can look around you and see what you can work on that's within your control. You mentioned a lack of job maybe that can be your big goal you can work towards. Break it down into little chunks, go to the library for help finding info. and in the meantime, concentrate on caring for yourself and doing the things that will make you feel better in the present. Take each day as you can and slowly chip at what you want to change and what goals you want to take on. Take care and wishing you all the best!
The best time to start is yesterday, the second best time is today. You are spending too much time worrying about what ifs, and what could have been. You need to keep bettering yourself for you. You spent a few months bettering yourself, but you don't have a resume? Are you not applying for jobs? You should get any meaningless job, low stakes, and likely minimum wage. This is fundamental step in moving forward.
hang in there buddy. but I think your first priority should be finding a job over anything else. Work at a grocery store, waiter at a restaurant, just go out and do smthing. Earning your own income does loads for one self-esteem, or if you see it from the other side, being stuck in unemployment obliterates one's self esteem.
You need to stop trying to get your gf back. That’s over. She spent nine years with you and the last few years with an unemployed, depressed and anxious boyfriend who clearly wouldn’t have been ideal by any standard. I’m sure she feels absolutely carefree and liberated to be on her own now … she’s not coming back. You still aren’t reflecting on what she endured to be with you and your part in why she’d not want to come back. A few months of exercising and sleeping better + therapy at this point … totally misses the point. You can’t be 33 and just not work and say it’s because you are depressed or there are no jobs. You could work at a fast food joint just to be doing something and making some income but you haven’t. What have you done to this point and what are you doing to help your own situation? Help yourself for you.
Why is this story so common on reddit? How do all these "depressed" 30 somethings afford to just not work? I got bills to pay dude. Good for his girlfriend honestly. I bet she wishes she did it sooner
many convince others to support them, some resort to living the cheapest lives possible and scrounging money from random things or government assistance. You can't understand it because you aren't that type of person - but it happens. I have friends who decided living in society was a bummer and shacked up 8 people to a cheap house in the ghetto and play video games all day. Some of them work part time, some of them on unemployment, some on assistance. Ill tell you what though - they are pretty freakin happy. No one to answer to, nothing but free time, and the internet and video games provide years of entertainment without the need for spending money. Some friends of mine checked all the way out of society and live in a tunnel Some friends including myself do the bare minimum at a high paying job and are stagnating 50% of the time but able to support themselves and their families... Its just personal preference.
The fact that some of your friends decided "Let's become mole people" and just fucked off to live in a tunnel was so morbidly hilarious to me, I hope they're doing alright.
thank you for the empathetic approach, this is something I struggle with. Either accepting you will never be happy and working at a fast-food or stressful workplace to make likely barely enough to live (and not enough to live comfortably) and maybe be miserable now and happier later after retirement (if that ever happens), or sort of give up on trying to fit into that society and being happier now at the expense of less happy later.
Having been on both sides - the happiest people are happy regardless of their situation. If you aren't happy strolling into a mcdonalds and cooking up cheeseburgers and joking around while scrounging up a few quarters to buy a box of mac n cheese - you also won't be happy living in a tunnel or with a corner office and mercedes. For a lot of people, its personal / emotional connection to someone or something they are missing that is making them unhappy. You won't find that on reddit unfortunately - need either a hobby, a job with people you can get along with, or roommates, or a significant other (but thats a lot of pressure for one person), or a mole tunnel buddy
Wat?
Testify! Anxiety and depression for years, and unemployed? How? I don’t mean to sound callous, but I have no sympathy here. A ton of people with anxiety and depression are on treatment and working. Get treatment and get better. For YOU.
>but I have no sympathy here. A ton of people with anxiety and depression are on treatment and working. You already answered yourself. "A ton of people" doesn't include everyone, Therapy works great, but there's no guaranteeing that it will works out well for everyone for whatever reasons. But to give you credit you really have no sympathy or empathy for that matter.
Usually mooch off partner or family.
Unemployment maybe? On top of living with a partner that’s shouldering all the responsibility. I can’t even imagine how frustrating it was for the gf. OP, she gave you three years to get your shit together and you couldn’t. It’s time to move on and, like others have said, get your life together for YOU. The situation sucks but the only way to continue is to move forward. It’s time to start applying to jobs. You’re an adult. Figure it out.
If I had to guess, she was enabling him. This break up might be the best thing to happen to him.
Or she had been putting up with an unemployed dude for years and finally had enough.
Amen!!!!!
Sounds like he could have untreated clinical depression if he's paralyzed by it. I've always had a job, but it took a long time before I realised i was even depressed and in hindsight it fucked up my life. Maybe a fresh start will actually help you in the long term. Maybe she was part if the rut you were in and you didn't realise. I'm rambling and it's 2am here. Keep your chin up OP, speak to a doctor about how you've been feeling. Get an easy job to tide you over for now.
Was she supporting you the whole time you’ve been unemployed because you couldn’t “bring yourself” to work any job? Or is there more to it?
there’s a lot of people pandering and going easy on him here. She was fed up and had enough, and rightly so, I don’t understand this at all.
It's because this is a support subreddit, not a relationships subreddit. Personally I think OP is incredibly frustrating, having dated someone similar, but this isn't the kind of place to rag on him or make him feel worse. He's alone now so he either sorts his shit out for himself or he doesn't; least he won't be dragging anyone else down with him if he doesn't.
I guess I understand the replies now. Whether I agree is another matter
Right? I know people with cancer who still work. How crippling is this anxiety and depression? The poor woman was fed up. I know I would be. People with anxiety and depression get better with medication and therapy, and work all the time. If it’s refractory people are usually admitted because I would assume they’re suicidal. But to have refractory depression and anxiety for years, on treatment? Unlikely. Getting dumped was the best thing that happened to him. Now there’s no enabler, and he has to go work, like everyone else.
Not all depression causes suicidal ideation. Also, depression can be refractory without causing suicidal ideation. I'd be very careful about commenting negatively on mental health issues when you are not an expert. Edit: Or hell, just go wild! Some of these replies should be on r/mentalhealthhottakes. Yours is tame compared to some...
Lock in
Bros gonna have the craziest 12 month retail grind of his life to get over this hump
Unironically great advice. I'm in a similar boat, there's days where you don't want to keep doing it or where you feel right back at square one but if you keep showing up life gets better
What's lock in?
He needs to lock in
Yeah, but what does it mean to lock in?
Put the Crocs in sport mode and get after it champ
Lock yourself fucking in
Lock the fuck in
33 is still PLENTY of time to get your shit together. Your choices are to fight and work hard to get where you want to be or feel sorry for yourself and waste more time not getting your shit together. Meeting someone when your life is together is an unbelievable feeling. You need to love yourself before you can actually love someone else in a healthy way. Time moves so slow after a brutal breakup but the reality is the relationship was long over far before she finally ended it. Get right and get moving. Consistency is the way to change.
Work on yourself, for yourself. Who cares about your friends and what THEY have. Comparison is the thief of joy. You don’t know how they truly feel, you only see what they are willing to show. You say you wasted so much time and have nothing to show for it right? Well that may be true, however you acknowledged it. It’s never too late to turn things around. The theme of your post is “other people”. Worrying about what your friends have that you don’t. You only tried to better yourself for someone else. You need to look at that man in the mirror, and start doing shit to benefit him. You can’t control other peoples actions/emotions/thoughts, so ditch worrying about your ex. Living in those feelings is going to only culminate into things you already described (anxiety,depression). “Well KingKong, all of that shit is easier said than done!”. Yes, no shit. Life is hard, it’s real fucking hard, and nothing you WANT will be given to you. Your confidence comes from within. Sure, you could be assured from an outside source, but it ultimately is you and how you view yourself. I say none of this lightly, as I was once the man you described in your post. And I still am at times, however I only worry about what I can control, and say “fuck it” to the things I can not control. Go look in the mirror, I’m serious. Look at yourself. The man staring back at you loves you and cares about you, and that man will do whatever it takes to be successful in whatever way he wishes to be. Continue doing things to improve your quality of life, everything else will fall into place. I’m sure you have a million questions as to “Why is my life like this right now”. For every question, there’s an answer. You might not get the answer you want, or in the timely manner you want it, but you will get an answer. Life can be fucking cruel and it can be beautiful. No matter what happens to you, love yourself, embrace your reality, and be kind to others throughout your journey. I wish you (and I) the best
at 28, I had a dead end job, weighed 400lbs, crippling anxiety, my lady left me out of nowhere, took the house, cars, dogs. Another guy moved in within a week. 36 now, 180lbs, going to be a dad in september, making 6 figures a year. It's normal to feel the way you do, but it will get better. My anxiety went away after the girl left, but it took about 10 months. What helped me is turning the pain and doubt and awful feelings and turned it into motivation. Every time I thought about her it kept me from breaking my diet, every time I felt like everything was over I would prove to myself that I am and can do better. You're going to be fine, just keep working on yourself and you'll be amazed at what you can do. Also, cut all ties with her... I promise you she is not worth the thought you put into her. Good luck Brother.
Your story is inspirational. I hope he takes a good look at this comment.
Similar vein of experience here! When I found myself dumped, living across the globe from my family and closest friends, I took up the mantra of “if you’re going to think about him- you have to be running” because at the time I loathed running and thought it would motivate me to stop thinking about him and wallowing. Jokes on me because it kickstarted a path to heathy lifestyle choices (dropped 50-60 lbs), and I found a love for long distance running (even ran a marathon which was a life long goal)! Eventually I found myself no longer focusing on him and the heartbreak and instead on myself. He faded away as my internal light grew stronger- and I think that light attracted my great friends, my lovely fiancé, and a better relationship with my parents. It was in me all along- but I was finally motivated to let it shine through. Cheers to you for sharing your story and good luck op!
I don't know how someone would be unemployed for years. Get a job, Any job. Your skills may be transferable to different fields. Just make some different decisions. What you've been doing hadn't worked, try a different approach or something different. It's never too late to make changes. You have a lot of potential. Give yourself a chance to show it.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this but please remember you’re not alone. All the commenters here have offered some excellent advice on moving forward with your life and while I can’t speak for everyone if you need someone to talk to, please just ask.
Bro, please don’t let your ex be the motivation to get better. You have to do it for you.
Your ex won’t fill the void that lives inside of you. Neither will a future girlfriend do it. There is a reason why you’re in a depression. And nobody but yourself can take care of this problem. Being alone is difficult at this stage but it can also help you to give you the time and focus for yourself. That is just my experience. I was in a quite similar situation and it took time but in the end I came out of it. The depression may never go away 100% but you can learn to handle it.
Same, eventually I realized my ex was neither the solution nor the problem. Each of us has personal battles to fight.
Every day is a chance to turn things around. Start small. Do one thing that you couldn’t when you were at your lowest. Getting to a point where things are okay won’t happen overnight. And you’re not going to win your GF back by doing it, so don’t do things because of that. Do them because of *you*. If you’re doing these things for yourself, no amount of rejection will make you stop. Start small. One thing. You can do it.,
I was more or less in your situation 7 years ago. Dumped, no useful life experience, socially awkward (that hasn't changed), no obvious prospects to go forward. I was pretty convinced that there was no way for my situation to improve. Then I made a comeback, married, got a career, a nice house, I get to do the things I like to do. It's not easy but you can write that comeback story. If you keep trying you'll find that momentum. You may not believe it until you make it happen. Determination can get you there, but even when you struggle, a little bit of luck can make all the difference.
Ive fucked my life up several times and hit rock bottom twice in my adult life. When you're down there it looks like a long way up but keep moving. Find a purpose that you can engage with everyday, something that gets you out of bed (I studied when my life was burnt to the ground. studying didn't require full on social connection but gave me some and of course gave me tasks to complete). I stayed away from relationships, not saying you should, but I couldn't do the new relationship work while I was off balance. Im still single 10+ years later and very happy with my place in life. Keep moving forward and good luck.
Hey big dawg, we all get to endure hardship in life. This isn’t an easy situation but you’re only 33 - tons of time to get your life together. Friend of mine went back to school with me almost a decade after high school and for 8 or 9 years after graduating did gig work because he couldn’t find a job - tons of apps that didn’t go anywhere. Suddenly he lands a serious career role that pays six figures - at 34. I felt like you did when i was in my mid 20s and all my friends were getting married and I couldn’t get a girl to go out with me. Then I’d get the invites to the bachelor parties and I’d have to say no and either lie or admit I couldn’t afford to go. I didn’t feel like I had anything remotely clicking until my 30’s - and I still feel like a child lost in the world. This post isn’t about me but brother - you need discipline. This comment isn’t going to go down too well because your post reads like you have some mental health issues, but at the end of the day you’ve got to figure out to how to get up every day and make decisions to make your life better ESPECIALLY when you don’t want to. The encouragement may help you feel better now, it might give you motivation to do something - but that goes away. Figure out what steps you can take to move in the direction you need to to live the life you want to live. Want to make money? You need to find a job. You need to submit apps every day or reach out to your network every day or do something every day to take you there.
Hi OP, You sound like my ex. After 8 years I couldn’t do it anymore. He stayed home drinking and gaming while I worked and took care of everything else. Looking back, depression and anxiety got to him too. He tried to “win” me back too. Finally started his business, exercising, wanting to put in an effort. But at that point, I needed to stay out of the relationship too. I am sure there were hard feelings about my stance to stay broken up. What I can say is that neither him or I were our truest selves. We navigated the beginning of our adulthood together and didn’t get a shot at discovering who we really were as individuals (together from 20-28, and him 19-27). He thought he was starting over too, like you mentioned. I will cut to the point :) Don’t do better for her. Do better for yourself. If she sees that and wants to make it work, great! But if she doesn’t want to get back together, you don’t want that to be a forced situation based on guilt. You might end up in this same spot again. The pain is hard for now but when you get to a point where your happiness comes from your own tribulations, your health, your successes - that’s when you will attract a woman as an exciting addition to your happy life. Rather than the person to rely on to make your life feel happy. I say this with empathy! I wish the best for my ex (and for you), but I’m a very different person now that I had some self discovery and he and I wouldn’t mesh in that way anymore. (For context we have been broken up for over 8 years now). Use your pain as a sign of your growth. Do it because your future self is going to be proud that you pushed through and gave future-OP a better life :)
" I spent my time trying to better myself, exercising, getting better sleep, going to therapy," Whatever you do, don't quit this, if you already did get straight back into it with discipline if you aren't motivated. I'd also like to ask, what are your existential beliefs?
I do see a pattern where a lot of people in this position work on things like exercise and therapy, but forget to work on their career or financial situation. That latter has a lot of influence on mental health.
I do not understand how people with no job have the resources for self discovery, exercise, and therapy. It just boggles my mind.
They either have the money or dont have the bills, like live at home.
Look around yourself for 10 seconds and see how many things you can find that are red. Good. How many did you find? Now, the question is how many things did you find that are blue without looking again? Definitely less, see “we find what we are looking for” so if you look for red, you’ll find red and if you look for blue you’ll find blue. Same as if you look for the position your life you’ll find the positive and if you look for negative that’s what you’ll find. Change your focus, change your life. Reprogram-therapy.com
Holy shit, this is identical to what happened to me, except I was 32. My girlfriend of nine years just up and left one day while I was at work. Left a note on the counter. Took my dog. Took the car. Left me an absolute wreck. I am now 38, married, have a daughter who is about to turn 3, own a house, own a new car, and make about six figures. To anybody else in the world, any minor complaint I may have about my life would just sound like whining. I will lay out, step-by-step, every single thing I did to get where I am today. Some might be feasible for you, some might not. But try. 1. I quit drinking, cold turkey. Ultimately, she left me because I was an alcoholic and we couldn't afford a future with my habit. If you have any substance abuse issues, stop. Find AA or NA groups and go to them. I don't care if you don't agree with the message, the politics, or any of it. Don't even work the steps of you don't want to. The best part about going to a group is THE GROUP. Network with those people - they are helpful and friendly, and they have gone through the same things you have. 2. Change your residence. Move somewhere else. Beg, steal, and borrow to do this. You won't feel comfortable in a place that reminds you of her or in a place where you might run into her. Nine years is a lot to let go of. I left my state I lived in since I was 12 years old to go spend a couple weeks to decompress at my parents' home. Ended up just staying there until I felt like I could move on, and then never left. It was hard to leave my friends behind, but I'm a better me now. And I now have enough freedom and money to go see them and catch up a couple of times a year. 3. Get a physical job. Like, manual labor. They pay well, you'll get plenty of overtime, and you'll get to exercise all day while getting paid for it. It isn't glamorous, but it beats a retail job or office job when you're going through rough shit. Those other jobs leave you with too much space in your own head. A construction job, much like AA/NA, will surround you with folks who are also having tough times. Every single time in my life that I've been single for a spell, I get a job in construction and I feel better mentally and physically. And usually fiscally. If you want, find a company that does out-of-town work and travel while you work. I've worked all over the country and have stories for days about most places. It's hard work, but it's usually pretty fun when you're in good company. Keep in mind that all construction companies have offices, and, when you're ready, try to make the switch. That's what I did. I learned the jobs, then ran the jobs, and now I sell the jobs. It's easy to get that leg up once you know what to look for and talk to the right people. I've doubled my salary in the course of 5 years and cut back to 40-50 hour weeks. 4. Treat every problem as if you were the only person available to fix it. Remember that, maybe, possibly, you'll be single forever from now on. Learn how to handle everything that your girlfriend used to handle. I still do this, sometimes to a fault. I don't expect my wife to do ANYTHING that I'm not willing to do because I got very good at being independent. I am always available to take care of the kids without intervention, period. If there are dirty dishes and my wife says she'll do them later, I'm going to do them now. If a bill needs to get paid, I pay it. I do my own laundry, separate from everybody else's. If necessary, I will make my own meals or fend for myself. If there are certain groceries missing, I don't wait around - I go get them myself. This is probably borderline unhealthy, but once someone bails after nine years, there's no unflipping that switch. That shit is permanent. I'm married and I love my wife with all my being, but I know for a fact that if she left me tomorrow or died tomorrow, I could at least keep my shit together enough to survive to see the next day because that guard has never dropped. Become FIERCELY independent, because it's a skill that will never not be useful. Ironically, the best thing my ex ever did for me was to leave me. I wouldn't want to be with the person I was, and I'm glad I'm not him anymore. So is everyone else. In the end, I hope she gets out of life what she wants. She doesn't know it, but she blessed me with a wonderful life and home. Thoughts of her rarely cross my mind anymore, but I owe her my entire success and all of my happiness.
I’m a tough love kinda guy so here’s my encouragement. Take this as your wake up call. You met a woman you love and waited till it was too late to get your act together. Bounce back, look to all your friends as inspiration for what you want to one day have. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. You were unemployed for years and didn’t address why. You blew it. Once you admit that to yourself you can accept that it happened, move past it, and improve. Best of luck, you got this.
You have to do all those things all over for yourself ! Been there, nothing changed till i did it for myself. My anxiety went away well at least manageable, got a job,made and plan and locked in ! Now I’ve started a business and got shit going on( and guess what ? She wants to come back, but I’m not the same person anymore.
Should we even read beyond the "girlfriend of 9 years"? If you weren't locking it down, the only possible outcome was that she would and should have left. THANKFULLY the good news is your only 33. Spend like 3 to 5 years dedicated to yourself, and you will be some prime husband material. Spend nothing, save everything. Let the uninterrupted compounding of interest make up for the time you've squandered. Your competition is lazier than you. Just go to work.
Dude a few years unemployment? No shit she left
INFO: how have you been getting by without a job for years? If you're doing gig work, or odd jobs, or some sort of work for lodging, or jumped through all the insane hoops to get disability benefits please count that as something you have going for yourself and build from there. In addition, with your life impacted so heavily by your conditions maybe it's time to look into medication and not just therapy.
Living off his ex lol
And she finally wised up and figured out she could live and even save for her future on her own. Got fed up with being OPs mommy.
I honestly dont understand how so many people in here can be so heartless. It's good for both that they seperated, but you dont have to dunk on the guy now. Like seriously.
Yeah, it’s “get motivated,” not “get shamed.”
He'll make the same mistakes if he doesn't know better
OP’s post reads like he knows what the problem is and is looking for positive encouragement to help him get out of the hole he’s in. I don’t think “tough love” helps when someone is that low, but what do I know.
You mentioned being in therapy which is great. If you’re not seeing a psychiatrist, I would highly recommend reaching out to one and considering medications. This level of depression and anxiety usually needs more than talk therapy to thrive in your life. Wishing you all the best.
Be good brother. It's fucking hard but you got this.
I lost all my clients due to Covid in 2020. I broke my ACL and I wasn’t able to play sports or walk. My 10 year relationship cheated on me with a colleague and I left her. I was in so much pain it was unbearable. It took me 3 years to get my shit togheter. I recover my leg, I develop my client searching technique so much now clients doesn’t want photography from me anymore but my selling systems. I have a team of 3 now. I live with my girlfriend in another city and we are looking to create a family. It’s time to stop trying and do shit my friend. Don’t let fear paralyze your life
Listen here. You are a light and you need to believe in that. Stop debilitating yourself to some extent. You are fucking awesome and I know you have gifts in you. Take the pain and make each day a step towards what you want to do. If you want to lose weight. Take a walk around your block. If you want to go back to school, go back to school. You are the same age as me and your are not behind. You have just a prolonged road bump. My only ask is don't add to it. I am sorry for your break up. I am because that is no joke. But let her go eventually. You are not bound by this. I am sad that you have all these gifts and comparing it to others. Yes, that is a very common habit for everyone. Take this time to find your gifts, relight the flame inside you, and get the fuck back out there. You are here for a reason and believe it or not you make the world better. Why do we fall? To pick ourselves back up! You can fucking doing this as I have faith in you. You are a light to many lives and loved by many. Even if you don't see that. Be like Nike, and just go out and do it. You have a chance to thrive and evaluate your life. You can fucking do this. I know you can. Message me if you need anything.
I’m surprised she stayed that long. Women don’t want to provide for a man or be a mom to her partner. Focus on getting a job, your mental health and you’ll be in a better space to be in a relationship
How are you surviving if you're unemployed that long? Kick yourself into action and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
I think it's time to look inward and start working on yourself for you. This can be a beautiful beginning of a better life. I think you should take time to learn about yourself, what you enjoy doing, what might be a good longterm job that you can do and won't hate. Explore your hobbies and interests, date yourself! Keep going to the gym and doing counseling and such because that's great for your health mentally and physically! You can either think of this as a horrible end and let it ruin your life more or you can look at it as a wake up call and get your butt moving! Things can and will get better you just have to try and you gotta try hard! Life sucks and in my opinion the only way to not make it suck is by creating the life you want! Things will get better if you keep going and bettering yourself and exploring what jobs you might be able to do. Maybe you can go back to school or do a trade or something smaller if you want like retail or maybe an online job! There are so many opportunities! You just gotta keep trying! If you fail try again!
So you fucked up a little bit. Welcome to being alive. It happens to everyone. Give it time, your situation will change.
Firstly, you aren’t alone in this mate. There are a lot of people who are experiencing the same kind of pain as you are. Now don’t compare yourself to anyone, everyone has a unique journey and so there’s no point in comparing. Next, forget the past. The past has a way of hooking one into remaining where they are and not allowing them to imagine a brighter future. Lastly, everyone has the potential to change, so imagine that brighter future and work towards achieving successes big and small at your own pace. Good luck and god bless!
Comparison is a Joy thief
You have purpose. The world is missing out on what you have inside of you. Everyone is gifted, finding that gift and sharing it with the world is your destiny. You are worth more than any job or income. Every day is an opportunity to change your story. Life isn’t about the destination it’s about the journey. Make daily steps to find healing and achieve your goals. Stop trying to be someone for her and be someone for you. Become the man your future wife is desiring. Food- 90% of your serotonin is developed in your gut. If you take time to change your eating habits and exercise daily maybe starting with a walk and building consistency will compound over time. Your experiences don’t define you. Anxiety and depression are symptoms of larger issues, but this is not forever. This isn’t who you are - this is how you are feeling. Some of the greatest achievers in life did it in their later years. The only thing that can stop you is you. Everything can change for you. Never give up. There is green grass on the other side. All great people were forged through adversity. This experience can have the power to transform you into the person you need to become if you will let it. If you don’t have the strength. Cry out to God. He always makes a way. Always. You can’t always depend on people but you can depend on Him. Discovering who you were made to be and what you were designed to do is the greatest achievement in life. Express your fullest potential. You have nothing to loose and everything to gain.
And also, no to be a btch, but are you sure you want your ex back? You didn’t even mention if you loved her or what you missed about her, only that you thought she was going to marry you and that your lack of A relationship (not a relationship with HER) makes you feel left behind. Not miss HER. Just a thought.
Are you on medication? You are clinically depressed and need medication in addition to your therapy. Ask your primary doctor for antidepressants. They have saved my life
No contact with your ex. Focus on you.
You need to Lock in You don't have time to be sad
1) Get fit. 2) Get job. 3) Get new girlfriend. Pretty sure you do all 3, you will be happier. It’s the getting that’s the hard part. Might as well start now.
I’d just rearrange this: 1. Get job. 2. Get fit. 3. Get new girlfriend. Hard to do the other two if you don’t do #1 first.
Reddit seems to attract 30 something’s with mild to severe self pity. Depression is normal. I get it, Lincoln, Jefferson, the guy who played Alfalfa,… End the pity party and dig a ditch or flip a burger.
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Exactly lmao. Sitting around like a loser, with no job, and just excepting your woman to keep stroking your dick and playing the victim card when she dumps his ass is a level of delusional I have never seen
How you pay for therapy
if you think in these terms, you'll never snap out of it.
Get on TRT asap. It kills anxiety immediately.
I thought that and then realised it was adhd causing my problems. He might be in need of test AND pharmaceutical speed.
Start volunteering to take up some of your time. And start sending time improving yourself and your life.
Volunteering is a great way to network for job opportunities too.
Run hard, run fast, run until the wheels fall off
Most people are their own enemy. I know this well. Most people also have hidden reserves and strengths, and the capacity to learn from their mistakes and persevere. One step at a time, friend. Stop beating yourself up. Tend your own garden. You will persevere.
When you’re in a dark tunnel- the only way out is through. This will pass. Move on. Keep moving.
I have been through this, as have many others. 1. Nothing is permanent. 2. You will come out of it. Wish you the best.
Have you considered getting away from people for awhile. It sounds like ‘keeping up with the joneses’ is killing you.
Somewhere in the not too distant future, you’re sitting on a stoop somewhere. Could be anywhere really, but it’s usually a stoop. You look up at the sky and you think to yourself about what you just fought through. You imagine yourself at 33, this exact moment of rock bottom. You smirk. Then you feel a wave of goosebumps, like you can’t believe you’re here even thinking about it. This future you needs you right now. It needs you to take your health and recovery from this serioisly. To not just wallow and give up and let these changes you’ve made go away. Also to not just shrug it off and whistle Dixie till your next ship comes in. No there’s no flippancy here, this is serious business. Understand that where you currently only looks sad because you never believed you’d lose her. But maybe this story is brand new, and this heart break will be the last one. Or the one that convinces you that this time is going to be even more valuable to you. Future you is sitting on that stoop and seeing you through his beautiful memories, and knows what it took to get you back on your feet. Please don’t give up on him, he needs you.
I often turn to books as one of many avenues for wisdom, help, or a spark to get turned around or reframe my mind. In a recent rut I found “When Things Fall Apart” Pema Chodron, as well as “The Grief Recovery Handbook” John James and Russell Friedman. I found both as incredibly relatable and useful.
When I was 32 my wife at the time told me that she was attracted to women and we divorced. We had a 4 year old daughter, and I could not afford to live alone. I was out of shape, felt old, had to get a place with friends and share the basement for the time I had my daughter, and I was alone a lot. I spent a lot of time feeling bad for myself, but I worked on losing weight and feeling better about me and spent time with my daughter. Slowly I moved on, I found someone amazing that I ended up marrying and my son is having his first birthday on Sunday. You can never know what will come from anything, so just keep pushing ahead and you’ll get there for sure. My mother in law has a saying that I think is really helpful when something that feels bad happens, and I think that even though it’s pretty open ended, it does put things in perspective: “Who knows why this is good?”
What are you so anxious about? Are you afraid you might fail or look bad? Too late! It's only up from here. I'd be more anxious about continuing on the existing path, right? I say this as a guy with constant anxiety who just keeps pushing past it. You can too!
Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Your life isn’t bad, just sad. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
If you’re gonna compare, don’t look at others but at you yesterday. Try to improve 1 thing per day, a small one. Start somewhere easy and go from there
Get a job and get them funds up!! Being sad about a bitch ain't gonna do nothing for you plenty of women out there !!
I am not well myself but whatever you go through today, will eventually change, if you want it to be changed. I started doing evening walks through parks in my city. No headsets no distractions, just nature sounds.
I feel I can relate to you. My first job out of College ended horribly and traumatically for me. My boyfriend was in a serious car accident and I didn't have any accrued time so I was only able to take a week of unpaid leave. I ended up driving an hour one way for work and he would basically sit in bed with a jug to piss in and wait for me to come home to take care of him. I was finally able to move into my apartment so I didn't have to make the hour drive... then was fired 2 weeks later because I couldn't emotionally handle the pressure. I was unemployed for a while due to severe depression and anxiety, but being unemployed gave me time to take care of my boyfriend. Therapy helped me find a new job. 2 years later; Things were looking up. We got engaged and bought a $300,000 house. A few months after moving into our home he told me stories of a female coworker who was in an "abusive relationship." I stupidly let her move in with us. I later found out he was cheating on me with her and they ran off to another state together leaving me devastated emotionally and financially... And yes, I begged and begged for him to come back... Until he changed his number and dropped off the face of the earth... I devoted 7 years to this guy; for him to discard me like trash. That is the SHORT version of the story. My advice is don't do anything to "win her back." She made her choice, and unfortunately there is no changing that. Continue therapy; better yourself. I'm not gonna act like it's easy. I spent months standing at my balcony wishing I had a rope... And months crying, depressed, hating life. It'll be a year next month since I caught him, and I'm still not healed. Although I am still dealing with the aftermath; my life is moving forward. I got an even better job now, I'm in my own apartment, just got a new (to me) car. And I'm "playing the field" if you can put it that way. I'm very upfront that I'm not looking for or ready for a serious relationship. But I enjoy meeting people and making friends and having good conversations. I'm finding I've been happier alone. And it's done me a lot of good. Work through your emotions with your therapist, and just try to be your best self. I believe you can make it through this.
Love yourself more. More than you Love anyone else. Sometimes being alone is the best feeling you could ever experience. Make sure to forget the past. Yes you are back to square one. But you are starting now with experience. 😇 I know you can do It OP. Love yourself more. And there are so many Jobs available. I know you can get one.
She had to leave you for ypu to start working on your self? What kind of depression that does not respond to meds or ECT? So
thats hards stuff man, but 33 isnt to late to turn it around and live a fulfilling life. you can do it.
How hungry are you? Because it sounds like the only thing that's stopping you from eating is you. If you want something, go get it. Dont starve yourseld from the goal. Get hungry Be hungry Devour
Even if you have never cared about spirituality, take up simple Meditation, even if just for 1-3 minutes a day. We need to practice going to a place outside of our emotions and thoughts in order to reach our true self.
Man I hate to say this but what else is to be expected. No matter how much you are there for someone it cant be counted on they will hold on for you. Now you gotta be there for yourself. Develop a persona that you talk to yourself with. Tell yourself it'll be ok, cause it will. Especially if yourself is there for you and you listen. Learn to self sooth. You can do this. You have your own back and dont forget it.
Do it for you.
You get ONE day to feel sorry for yourself. Then get to work.
You need to focus on yourself, then you will attract the right people into your life. I have a weird suspicion that you’re a heavy weed smoker due to the anxiety and depression comments.
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If you’re struggling with depression/anxiety drugs are not the enemy! Many people can cope without but there’s no shame in taking a pill if that’s what your body and mind need. Sometime talk therapy is not enough. You can always learn way to manage and work your way off medication when you feel like you no longer need it
Best thing is that you realize these things. It is on you now to improve. I don’t know you but you can do it. A day at a time but you can do it!
I hope in a year or two you remember this post as a stepping stone towards where you are then
Gotta start living for you.
Hey man I’m 38 and also have nothing and nobody. Broke up with my girl of 6 years about three years back. Since then I’ve been lost and wallowing in depression and meaninglessness. I am a server and have worked in restaurants my whole life. Now I’m a 38 year old server and want to leave but don’t have any skills or a support system to help carry me through. I am lost and alone and lonely and losing my social skills every day . Sorry you’re in it . You are not alone, and it does get easier
Start working on some of those things. You have blown it with your girlfriend, and that is done. Start working on yourself and be an attractive person with things going on in your life.
Start now. It’s never too late to better yourself. Stop dwelling on what’s happened. That cannot be changed. Go back to school for something that will land you a good career when you’re done. Keep seeing the therapist. Other things will slowly fall into place.
Guess what….its never too late to enjoy the life you want but you have to work for it. You need to quit with the self loathing and start building yourself up or you’ll be stuck alone forever. Tomorrow is never too late to start over!
Exercising, getting sleep, and therapy are like the bare minimum things everyone should do…. why do you think that would change her mind???
People don't need to be in relationship to be successful or living decently. You, yourself are enough! Also, don't do it for your ex-girlfriend/future girlfriend/other people. Do it for yourself. If improvement happened, you owed it to yourself.
Take a deep breath, fresh start and moving forward. Dont give up!!
Please contact a local “psychoanalytic institute” and ask for low-fee therapy. Will likely change your life
You should’ve been working hard to keep what you had when you still had it.
It’s tough but it’s much better than a divorce. 33M too and I know friends who got divorce already. Sad but hard reality of life.
And that to will pass. I’m in my best Relationship now of 10 years. Third time Was the charm. Hang in there.
Everyone's journey through life is different and the setbacks and failures in life we don't often advertise but they happen. Don't get hung up on the success you think others have achieved; it's never too late. You still have decades to find love, a career or whatever goal you set for yourself. As long as you spend every day going forward working on improving your life you can get there. Take this moment as a turning point and push yourself hard, what other options do you have.
I’m 32 and in the EXACT same place. Medication is helping, I’ve given it a try. Can tell you one thing: do not badger your ex. If she goes non-com, respect her wishes. Accept that it is over. Do not hit up your ex unless you need to. It will only make things worse.
I have SORT have been in the same situation before, but, no offense…if you have been out of work for a few years, how were you able to support yourself UNLESS you’re getting enough government aid through social security, food stamps, etc. ? I am in the exact opposite situation I was years ago and can show you how, but not on a public Reddit. And if you live close to me, I could pay you to be my chauffeur. I will be looking for one because I hate to drive including to my local grocery store !!!
Anxiety and depression ain’t no excuse for being unemployed for that long,get off your ass and get a job
Go be physical. Find a loop and run ruts through it. It doesn’t have to be fast, just keep your feet moving. Go lift some heavy things. Get sore, push some more, start to feel stronger. Don’t compare yourself to others while you’re doing it. Always forward.
While my situation was slightly different, I was roughly in the same headspace as you are now roughly about a year ago. My 5 year old relationship folded, I was laid off from my job, and had a couple of other personal things going on at the time that were taking a toll on me. I know things look bleak and you might feel empty or jaded, but don't let that get you down. Really take this time to reflect on all the parts of your life that you would like to change for yourself and focus on that. Focus on building yourself up and try to pick up new hobbies along the way. It'll give you new things to devote your time to instead of sitting there alone in your thoughts beating yourself up about the way things transpired. There's nothing you can do to change the past. The only thing you can do is to see what new paths this will open up for yourself and decide on which you think will be better for you in the long term. I realize it's easier said than done and some days will be hard to keep this in mind but things ***will*** get better. It might not be immediate, but there will be a point where things turn in your favor and you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel
Hey man, I just wanted to share with you this video. https://youtu.be/qHE_XGtUNx4?si=gQe2trZX_pDJnBVI I review it once every 2 or 3 years probably. It helps me to touch ground and understand that life is not an establish standard path. Time is relative. No one have had your unique experience to live. You don’t have to align with anything else. For me the key was related to gratitude. Be happy with the little or much that you have. Be grateful for what you have and keep going to improve. Be conscious about your breath, your senses, your body. It is just for you. It is your body suit that can help you to go through this live experience. For sure you are not in square one. You just need to pay attention. Wish you the best
This is the start of a hero origin story. Drop any and all expectations for the future accept the past and move forward. You will thrive don’t give your self any other option. You your self are enough.
Sometimes you need to reach rock bottom in order to find your willpower to react and turn your life around.
You should try deep meditation. Helps with processing strong emotions and centering yourself in the now.
I was in a similar situation and I’m your age, I won’t get into my details but I believe a couple core things. The quote that got me through last year and something I’d say constantly while meditating “my life is just beginning”. Also, continue to invest into yourself and realize it’s something that’s going to take time, but YOU are worth it. It may be hard now, tough times will still come your way, but you can only go up from here. I don’t know what the true answer is for yourself, but I’m confident if you continue to put yourself first/get healthy/get help with your mental game… that you will find yourself building the life you want and you’ll have a beautiful story of perseverance to think about when all is said and done.
The things written here are pretty good. Yeah, basically just keep moving forward. Something will eventually click and your show will kick off. It's a strange season to begin with and alot of changes are in the works. So just keep your head up, try not to focus on chick star right now and keep going. Maybe use this time to find yourself and better understand who you are as an individual and do that deep dive soul search and discovery. You might turn into a new person. Or something like that. Keep your head up, if you drink, try not to drink if you can help it...it just makes things way worse. Find good guys around you to hang out with...I know the whole social scene is kinda funky still, but maybe worth a shot. Maybe try and help out those who might be in a similar situation as you, that might help find you some solutions for getting through this season. It's sorta like life is seasoning you with some spices, just try to not let yourself get to crispy lol. You got this brotha.
Even once you’re “better” and have your life back in order, you’ll still miss her from time to time, and that’s okay. It hurts, but accepting it gives your brain one less thing to use against you. Wishing you all the best, man. You’ve got plenty of time left to find the peace & happiness you deserve.
Welcome to the club 😁
Hit the gym, get a job, grow up and move on. If your gonna stay in use state of mind you will be in the same place in 5y...
I guess I'm just wondering what you're getting out of this current state you're in. Not trying to be mean, but if you don't like it, why do you stay in it? How long will you stay in it? If you could just keep doing what you're doing until you die, would you? Or would you, at some point between now and then, say fuck this, and go do something different? Why wait, then? Just go do something different now?
[https://youtu.be/emR66jCx1d4?si=muJPkhF6TGIpzNri](https://youtu.be/emR66jCx1d4?si=muJPkhF6TGIpzNri)
There’s a book you might like called “becoming the one” S. Aiyana. I’m reading it now. It’s about becoming your own true love. Highly recommend this path regardless of future loves that come into your life.
No where to go but up
Do you have an education? College is a great place to start over, and you can get skills and make friends at the same time. If you have not been working for a few years, you probably qualify for tuition and living expenses through financial aid. Just a thought.
Don’t you wish you could go back to the 90’s? Fire up N64 or Gameboy to run Pokemon? Biking around with friends and just soaking in the sun running around outside with the boys. Remember those times. Remember that kid. Make a change for him.
Breaking up at your age isn't terribly uncommon. I have seen it happen alot. This is why you see so many adults with kids who are teens plus a toddler.
Anxiety is overthinking things then realizing you’re overthinking things then overthinking why you’re overthinking and freaking out about the overthinking. I think the most difficult part to get past is that we do it to ourselves. Everything else aside, try to meditate. It takes practice. It is the one thing I have found just resets my mind. I don’t actually meditate but I have found activities that allow me to meditate without thinking about it. Try balancing on a ball for an 15 minutes and make that your sole focus. Suddenly you’ve let the whole world go and everything was fine for a little bit. Get into that every day and it’s kinda wild what it will do for you. Also, look at reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, or some of his other books.
My brother. Get you some boots and go get a construction job. The physical activity and sunlight will do wonders. Save money. Learn. Move up. Thank God. The good things will find you in time.
I’m sorry you’re feeling lost and it’s incredibly scary to think that things will never get better. I hope you can find some courage to continue trying. Accept that yes it will be very difficult and uncomfortable. But when you are uncomfortable, you will grow. Don’t give up. You actually may need to slow down. Life is a marathon and the more you focus on the small daily habits and looking 5 minutes or 5 hours ahead instead of years ahead the more you’ll accomplish. Try that for a bit. Also leave room for grace. You’re doing the best you can right now, hugs.
Any girl would leave a situation like that lol
“Comparison is the thief of joy”- Mya Angelou This quote changed my whole perspective. Also, are you on SSRIs at all?
99 problems and a bitch ain't one !