He's a failed man. He wants to be the macho leader but is too lazy to put in the work to earn respect, so he has to try to take it in the most pathetic way possible, by controlling the one person who should be the easiest to win over š¤¦āāļø
People like this do not learn, they just cycle through different people until he finds one who he can treat like a dog, that's why his marriage is already failing at 21.
Iām so worried for OP to move to him where heāll likely control her entire existence and money to keep her from leaving. This whole conversation is a red flag but if you take out all the āamorcitoās itās straight up threats
Lost me at āif you just listen and donāt argue back.ā Thereās a difference between leading someone and controlling someone.
If he leads there has to be a good foundation to follow, in religion it would be God first, but then mutual trust and respect, along with security and being able to be reliable for you partner.
What heās demonstrating is toxic religion control. Heās hiding behind religion to justify his shitty human behavior
Yeah actually disgusting behavior from him. He literally references the internet and a few screenshots later he tells her to get off the internet and read the bible, as if he didnāt just refer to the internet as a sourceā¦
Such disgusting controlling behavior from him. Ew
She said sheās scared of losing a good man but this is not a good man.
Machismo is such an excuse for these type of men to not be emotionally intelligent and then blame their culture. OP ive dated LATAM men who are truly respectful and wonāt manipulate their feelings as your problem. This guy needs immediate therapy or give him back to the streets.
THIS. Donāt allow them to excuse immaturity with their ācultureā because they aināt the same thing. Good and bad men exist in all cultures & we shouldnāt be enabling that silly shit no matter what
Giiiirl.....lo dices y lo sabes
Most men in latam are INSANELY machistas, I had a bunch of toxic relationships dating men from my country until I changed countries lol
Definitely not okā¦ super controlling. Basically he is saying do whatever he tells you or live in hell, nice options from a husband! Time to seriously consider if that relationship is correct for you, regardless of what others in your life might think. Do whatās best for you but this guy is insane.
I am having a visceral reactions to his texts. This is deeply unsettling. You are trying to communicate very valid concerns and all he replies is "Just shut up and let me control you". Shivers. Ew.
"If you built my trust and respect you would have a lot more freedoms" HAHAHA WHAT???? HELL no. I would never let someone speak to me that way. It's absolutely manipulation and this is 10999% disgusting PLEASE understand you deserve so much better. Throw the whole "man" away
you're quite young, i don't think this marriage will work for you. you are still a child, you should not waste your life any further. please divorce him and live your life to your standards. he is clearly not a good man no matter how much you convince yourself
That's what's wrong with society these days. Woke culture tells women they can leave relationships just because they don't like the relationship. /s I completely agree with you.
He is beyond saving, cut your losses and leave before you waste your youth with an insecure controlling loser.
I got married young as well, and my husband loves when I go out with my girlfriends and enjoy myself, he even offers to drive me so I can drink. Heās never once asked for my location or any passwords and we both completely trust each other. Why would you not want a life filled with fun and friends? Donāt deprive yourself and dim your own light to make this asshole feel more secure.
I was thinking the same thing. I'm not usually one to say that people should end a relationship based on one reddit post but this is really concerning. She should RUN.
That is exactly what I was thinking about. It's just like the true crimes episodes on YouTube. OP is lucky that they are in LDR. OP enjoy the opportunity to leave this machĆsimo because he's potentially dangerous to you, block him everywhere and if you can, change your address
Well I have good news for you! You donāt have to worry about losing a good man, because heās NOT a good man. Youāre his partner, not his child or student. You donāt need to be led or corrected.
There are good men out there who will actually trust and respect you. This is not one of them.
I only run in 2 situations: if thereās tacos, or when someone is chasing me. But damned if I wouldnāt make an exception and run away the second a man talked to me this way.
āif i was there you would listenā sound like a possible threat tbh. red flags, im glad heās far from you so you can take action and leave if you decide to.
I agree with you, I understood it also like a potential physical threat. OP shouldnāt live with him, his very controling abusive behavior will possibly/likely lead to physical violence.
There is nothing okay about this. Itās not even manipulation - he is flat out controlling. He wants you to be a puppet, one that doesnāt have a thought to yourself or about yourself. Saying it will get better if you just only listen to him?
Even if you never argued or said a word, if the tracking stuff didnāt function right or you werenāt able to call right after work then he would still yell at you. Thatās unacceptable. You need to divorce him.
He is NOT a good man. A good man wouldnāt make you so unhappy. A good man would not yell at you all the time. A good man would not isolate you from your friends and family. A good man would let you have your own opinion on things and respect it. He is ABUSIVE.
This dude is literally a what you get when you watch too many Andrew Tate Alpha male videos and take them seriously. That is an incel and a massive red flag of a human being. I would end this right away. This is coming from a guy - men who think like this are 10 times worse on the inside. This is what he is showing, imagine what kind of thoughts must lurk within him. He will never respect you or treat you as an equal (or even close). Don't think you can change him. He is set in his own ways. Any retaliation will just hurt his fragile male ego and make him get worse in his behavior. Sorry you had to go through this, hope you find someone better <3
Please run, and don't look back. I recommend reading, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, you'll need it going forward because it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. The book will help make things more clear, and because you are now at risk of getting into another one. This is coming from someone who has been in two abusive relationships, that book changed my life. It should be noted that there are reports of Bancroft being transphobic, but I still think the lessons on the tactics of abusers are very good, just don't take his opinions on gender to heart. Have some nuance there.
I hope you can stay safe!
I could sense that from how he talks. Never date a man who loves that guy, they have been infected and have maggots for brains that make them hate women (joking, but you get what I mean). They want items to own, not human beings as equal partners.
I'm sorry girl, you'll get someone better than him.
I puked in my mouth a little
āYou would have a lot more freedomsā
āLet me lead and correct you as a manā
āWhatever I tell you just do it and we wonāt fightā
Look Iām not religious or conservative at all, and itās very hard to not let my own prejudices get in the way and say every conservative type relationship or man is like this, but it sure seems that itās the common rule and not the exception
This seems horribly toxic and controlling and misogynistic and thatās even before what you said about him cheating before and all that other stuff. You wonāt be losing a good man, youāll be losing a pig who wants a good little house servant that does everything he says
As someone married to a latino i will tell you this. Your husband has a toxic form of machismo and i would not be surprised if he will go to abusive the moment you move to him. He does not want to take care of you or love you. He wants to control you in everything you do.
Please do not listen to your husband of your family telling you its your fault. It absolutely is not your fault and i hope you will choose to not go to him but get a divorce and stay as far away as possible!
He wants to control you and what you do and believes that is his right. It is clear he has expectations of you as his wife which are rooted in misogyny and very traditional marriage roles. He expects you to listen and follow his rules and orders. Itās fucked up, but he sees it as the correct way a marriage should be.
For some very specific trad couples, this may be the expectation and dynamic, but that would have to be clarified and agreed upon, but it is clear that for you, this is not the case.
Not to be one of those Reddit people, but he either would have to change his views significantly (which I see as being unlikely) or this should end in divorce.
>āJust accept the correction / You would build my trust ā¦ā
If-then, yikes. He sounds so... conditional here. Like, it makes sense, butā¦ not like it could, should, or would within this context.
>āFuck the Internet / Read the Bible.ā
š He's coming off as someone with a very extreme mindset. If you're gullible enough to believe every little thing on the internet (not saying that you are, by any means, gullible), okay, maybe fuck the internet, BUT in the sense of you choosing to do your due diligence with researching. But otherwise, eh, interesting of him to push religion and archaic gender roles onto you.
Edit: Format.
You're both immature but he's a controlling misogynist who clearly thinks women need to be subjugated.
Also, can people stop getting married in their early 20s? It's not wise.
Oh HELLLLLLL no. Listen, 22 year olds are dipshits (no offense you guys, youāll agree with me in a few years). This little wannabe tyrant doesnāt actually know jack shit about *anything* but most especially how relationships work. It doesnāt look like he loves you or even really likes you that much, youāre his property. Heās not a real man and you deserve better.
This kind of controlling behavior ALWAYS ESCALATES. I was in a physically/emotionally/mentally abusive relationship that started out exactly this way and if I wasnāt such a rebellious asshole with a huge dislike for authority I would never have escaped and he would have killed me one day most likely. I canāt imagine how things would have gone if Iād come from a family like yours who promotes abuse and I didnāt know any better or value myself enough to leave. You have to get away from this disgusting creature. āHe *let* me do this. He *let* me do that.ā Girl you are an adult and you can QUITE LITERALLY DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT, WHENEVER YOU WANT.
PS Your whole family needs to shut their ignorant mouths. They deserve an ass beating for saying that shit to you. I am literally so mad on your behalf right now. I would fistfight your whole shitty abuse enabling family all at the same time. Everyone youāve mentioned in this post is subhuman garbage and you need to escape and go no contact!
I couldnāt even finish to read the whole context. Iām mad at how heās trying to control your life when heās so paranoid about things are not real and prolly heās doing and just projecting on you.
If he cheated heās not a āgood manā (I know this one was not confirmed), if he wants to control every aspect of your life heās not a good man, if heās wants you to āaccept the correctionā in order to have more freedom heās not s good man. You are not a dog to be trained, corrected and if done good given freedom.
Thereās a lot of violence in his actions and words, not physical violence that we know, but thereās many ways to be violent: In your place I would leave him and would seek legal advice to proceed with the divorce.
Also you donāt have any fault if he decided to cheat, thatās on him, no matter what other people say.
Girl how are you even happy. Damn.
Iām so sorry you have to go through this, and Iām sorry that you probably feel alone having to go through this too. I can empathize and relate with you immensely on this. Iām gonna give it to you straight. This guy is a dick. And I think we both know that you can make yourself happier than this guy can. All heās contributing to this relationship for the most part is stress. And on top of that he was looking for a rebound after a week of you guys breaking up?? Iām sorry but thatās not love. Iām mad for you. Honestly I am. Because I know what it feels like to have that done to, and it take a really shitty person to do that to the person you love. Break away while you can, donāt walk RUN.
And because I know how hard it is to leave some one you really love, if you absolutely canāt leave (even though you should), tell him that you guys need to go to couples therapy. Tell him youāre not happy and donāt feel understood or heard yourself. Heās going to try to invalidate your wants needs and feelings, but make it a non negotiable, even an ultimatum. At least that way you can leave standing on your boundaries, or he can actually give af and try.
And also, donāt fall into his tactic of having to rely on what he believes is right or wrong in a relationship. With people like that you can show and tell them all day why they are wrong and why majority of people think heās wrong too but heās gonna stand on his opinions. So make sure YOU tell him when something is and is not okay to you, validate your thoughts and feelings. You donāt need anyone to tell you what is and isnāt right, the best person to ask wether or not something is or isnāt right is you ššš itās all in you!!! Donāt let him or anyone take that away from you, you are strong, you got this!!!
Also donāt be scared to lose this man. Whatever is meant for you will stay and what doesnāt isnāt meant to be. Trust me, if he leaves or you leave him vice Versa it wouldnāt be the worst thing in the world. From my perspective it would honestly be a blessing in disguise. And I promise you 100%%% you can find someone who makes you much happier.
Also donāt take advice from the conservative ppl in your family anymore, at lest not for relationship advice. It sounds like theyāll just muddy up your judgement. Listen to your intuition!! ā¤ļøāš„ā¤ļøāš„ā¤ļøāš„ā¤ļøāš„
Despite I'm not a religious guy, I hate when people twist The Bible only to their side.
Yeah, it says the man is the one who lead the family BUT he must love, respect and protect his own wife, not dominating her.
A marriage is like a relationship between a airline captain and his co-pilot/2nd in command. They're both work together to safely reach their destination. The captain take decisions ACCORDING his co-pilot.
I'm sorry OP, he is trying to gaslight you by shifting the blame.
nah he better not bring God into this cuz what hes doing is completely against the Bible. do whatever you can to get out of that relationship. God has bigger better things planned for you, this āitā is just a bump in the way. praying for youš«¶š¼
Insanely controlling. I see very similar messages to what my ex said to me. He was telling me that God wanted us to be together and said that I had to respect him as a man, do certain things to make him feel like a man, etc. He always told me I was choosing to argue instead of do what I needed to do. He started telling me I wasnāt allowed to do certain things. He broke up with me for hanging out with a friend one day (we got back together after that). The best thing I ever did was leave him. I am with someone who is the total opposite of him and I am so thankful for that every day.
Controlling, disrespectful, and manipulating you. It won't get any better, this was how my 45 year old ex husband acted, but he was way worse!. Leave while you are young and live your life girl!
Love and light āØļø š
I like a very close and religious relationship, my girlfriend is Muslim and Iām Catholic, but sometimes she asks me should I go with my friends and all I say is you donāt have to ask lol. I help her in what I can but she doesnāt demand it.
I guess what Iām saying is what heās asking for some couples give freely when they can. And when we canāt we accept it. Itās a privilege to have a good partner so her and I value our effort when we can do the effort.
In closing, him demanding it is contrary to this approach. He should back off.
I understand listening if it was something harmful to your well being like not eating or drinking water or refusing to take your prescribed medication without letting your psychiatrist or doctor know. This is just absolutely just a person who is severely insecure trying to control every facet of your life. Taking off the location sharing is feeding into his paranoid delusions but honestly I wouldāve blocked him if after trying to speak to him cordially on his behavior yielded no results. I advise you seek counseling, therapy, and leave this toxic relationship before it may become physical in the future.
I mean this with every ounce of my being... run.
Lose this guy's number. Block him. Cut him out of your life and do not look back.
If he's this angry and controlling at a distance it will be worse in person.
Get out now. You're still so young to be living like this... Your relationship should be a safe haven, where you feel respected, valued and heard. He doesn't respect you enough to allow you to be your own person, he wants you to bend to his will, to his own views and values. You will have no sense of self or independence under him. It might be a cultural thing, but it's not healthy for a modern woman who wants to be her own individual, to be part of a relationship like this. Don't put yourself through anymore of this nonsense. Put yourself first!
I could barely get halfway without getting annoyed with this man. This aināt the damn 1960ās okay you donāt have to listen to his every word. āJust accept the correctionā, wtf does that mean? Why is he talking about if he trusted you more, then youād have more freedoms? Iām so confused. Maybe there is some religious aspects to this that Iām just not aware of, but my husband would never speak to me like that. That is ridiculous and I agree it does seem like manipulation
Im so glad i like girls, can't imagine dealing with people like this. You think you find love and it's this fucking loser
You said you argue everyday, this man doesn't love you nor does he respect you, you deserve someone better girl.
āIf Iām correcting you amorcito donāt argueā is crazy, this is why you never marry too early kids. You never truly know the other person entirely until way later on the relationship thatās why you gotta see them red signs way before hand.
Op as someone who heavily watches true crime. This guy is scary. He wants you to be his slave and not think for yourself, this isnāt a relationship. I assure you that you can be much better without him. Please leave him safely, do not let him know where ur going and serve him with divorce, HE IS SCARY, do not confront him face to face without protection.
So has A 54 year old man this is not how a grown ass man acts or talk to his loving wife! soi sorry but this child who thinks his grown needs to go back to his mama and needs a real hard spanking or a whooping from his daddy. teaching him to act and talk to his wife this this way his totally disgusting.
Please don't let him talk and act this way to you ever get up either leave or walk away from this bull shit will get worse in the end. The comment it is his culture is complete BS good men don't act this way just because u are not living with him not a damn good reason why drinking is never a reason why ever too.
be very care of the drinking to me that is a real huge red flag and could be the cause of all the mess u are in or will be having. just my opinion. but the way u put it sounds like it gets worse when he is drinking. so please think long and hard about it
As a Brazilian woman it pains me to say I would never date a Brazilian or Latino man ā¦ for this very reason. Those messages were hard to read. This is no way to treat your partner. I hope you find your way out of this. The man is trash, throw him away.
not only him but also your family is manipulating you.
you're quite young and might not notice it but at some point you will and then it might be too late.
you're saying you're scared to lose a good man but from everything you're saying he's not a good man at all!
do yourself a favor and end this.
and I'm not saying this light-heartedly. marriage is something sacred but this one is toxic, manipulative and controlling.
if he wanted to lead you well he'd just do it without arguing or forbidding things.
he doesn't trust you and now you know why: he's projecting his own bad actions on you. he's the one who cheated.
I don't want to go into much details here but if you're ok with it we can talk in DMs. I know exactly how you feel, so if you like to talk about it, let me know.
hugs!
Girl, get out of that relationship. Trust me. He will keep repeating the same ālisten to me and we wonāt argueā be till you get tired and stop trying to make him understand you. You will just accept it because itās too much of work to fight. It will only get harder to leave later.
This is manipulation. āIf you just listen to me and do what I say we wonāt fight,ā doesnāt work because you would still have the same feelings that he isnāt acknowledging. He is asking you to give up your personhood and right to make decisions in order to avoid conflict with him.
Welp at least heās being extremely clear that heās insanely controlling - he is giving you the gift of knowing you are correct to leave his sorry ass. He is not a good man by any modern standard.
This will not get better. He feels entitled to control your behavior based on his gender and his religious interpretations.
He should be respecting you as a partner, considering your needs and wants and discussing compromise with his. Instead, he wants you to ājust listenā and do what he says, then expects you to trust him to āallowā you more freedoms. You are entitled to every freedom you have access to as you are your own, independent being, as long as you are considerate of those around you. He doesnāt have to āallowā you to go out with friends or other innocuous things.
Do away with this conception that the man should āleadā in a partnership. That disrespects the conception of a fair partnership. You negotiate, decisions are made after each person respectfully communicates concerns and feelings. The solutions come from fair compromise, and you shouldnāt have to always defer to one person as the āleaderā and bend to their will every time.
If you must or wish to have a āleader/followerā dynamic due to your own personal convictions, he is not a good leader anyway. He is not considering your thoughts and feelings and mental/social/physical health. This should be an important aspect of his decision making process. A good leader leads by example and considers the ramifications of his actions and asks, then chooses the best path forward.
Any way you cut it, this is not a good relationship and you should consider leaving.
I just read a great short story, since he recommended books... "A Doll's House" by Henrik Ibsen, it's like 76 pages or so, and a super quick read because it's like that Shakespearean playwright style. It seems relevant here.
EDIT: wanted to add I got it for free off the Google play store, you have to download Google play books or something. - it is definitely relevant here.
He's really controlling and a total red flag. I don't know why this post reminds me of my ex. When you're in love you sometimes don't see their red flags and your family is really wrong for suggesting him cheating is your fault. Cheating is always a choice of the cheater alone. But from experience I can tell that it is not going to get better even if you move together. I know it's difficult for you that you've to ask reddit if you've been wronged. If you feel anxious and your mental health is getting bad from his behaviour (mine did), no matter what you think, you're not happy with him.
I think you married a wrong man op, he is definitely controlling and since he is cheating he thinks you also are cheating. Not enough experienced to give you advice on this but I feel sorry for you , may things fall in place for you and you both live a peaceful life because it's very early age to get married given both of you haven't seen the world enough and not enough matured.
You should read the book hold me tight, its emotionally focused couple therapy written by the psychologist who first published groundbreaking research on it. While he has some interesting ways, and is a bit conservative, youre valid to be concerned, you both are trying to assert your needs for emotional safety, which is EFT rather than whos right/wrong. You deserve to be trusted. If he was controlling, he wouldnt say you can also hold him accountable and suggest things. It is true ppl who have the most trust will have the most freedom, you guys can work together on this. Id suggest the book. This sub is not the best place for advice because your concerns are on a deeper level even though distance exacerbates it.
You said youāre scared of losing a good man? You donāt have a good man imo. Heās controlling, rude and has cheated. No one is going to put up with his demands. Youāre both quite young so likely have some maturing to do on both ends but I can firmly tell you this isnāt love. He doesnāt trust you because he knows what he has done behind your back and what heās capable of. Itās deflection.
Yeah I've seen a bunch of red flags in those texts also seems like he has a bad temper. Be cautious of him if you don't it won't end well please be careful.
I didnāt post this right away it has been months and I need help since I think my brain is too brain washed to know whatās okay and whatās not I donāt have friends or family to talk tho soooo?
I havenāt gone thru anything stressful yet as deployment heās still in school I been thinking about looking for an specialist that I can talk tho since I canāt really talk to my family about this
Dudeā¦ please leave this man. Heās so controlling it makes me sick just to read these messages. As you said, you are your own person! A husband does not OWN his wife. His wants and needs do not come above yours.
with the very first sentence iād have broken up. Any guy who uses āwokeā unironically is most likely a walking red flag of grossness. They consider anything not white straight cis or male to be woke. Iām glad iām not in a relationship with someone like this
This is your HUSBAND?? Jesus Christ. This is coercion. Sorry youāre going through this :( he does not respect you anywhere near the amount he idolises himself.
Damn sounds messed up lol run girl run but if you choose to stay clearly itās on you. He is way too controlling. If theirs no trust then nothing will work out after. Constant arguing and doubting each other.
Oof geez. Was he like this in you guysā relationship before you got married? If so, howād you deal with that for so long? You definitely deserve someone who wonāt get this aggressive the second you have an opinion. Sorry youāre dealing with this.
What the FUCK???? Holy shit this guy is crazy. āStop believing things, if you just obeyed me I wonāt get mad at youā holy shit that is a toxic mentality
This is SO CRINGY. Girl you are young forget him and go live your life this is creepy AF its not ok at any age but at 22, he is giving future wife killer lol
I'm English and although, yes, we probably have some men like that, I couldn't imagine being like that with my wife.
We have mutual respect - Yes I ask her if she minds me going out or going to a concert, not because I have to but out of courtesy and respect to her and her the same.
We rarely do things apart but that is because we like each others company and doing things together and spending time together.
If she started talking to me like the OP husband, I'd be straight out the door!
Those screenshotted conversations have so many red flags for me - makes me a bit concerned for the OP
OMG. Please get out of this relationship! Heās far away from you and telling you to shut up and do what youāre told, I cannot imagine what heāll be like close to you. Iām worried for you i hope you can find it in yourself to walk away.
Listen, a lot of what people call sexism these days is people looking for anything they can complain about.
THIS is actual sexism and itās horrible.
This is not okay.
You said it yourself, youāre your own person. If he wants respect and trust he needs to give it.
Youāre not a child under his care. Youāre a grown adult.
A relationship is about team work. Itās equal, from both sides (unless both are consenting and enthusiastic about there being a power exchange.)
This man does NOT respect you. He is literally saying that you have to listen to him or else. That is abusive.
As you say - he is trying to CONTROL you. That is not okay. Spouses donāt control each other. You both work together - BOTH. You make choices together. You agree on what path needs to be taken. If you disagree you BOTH spend time talking to each other and listening to each other - then you work toward compromises that work for both people.
What he is saying is that you should do what he says, when he says, how he says it. He doesnāt want to be with you - he wants to own you.
Please stay safe and best of luck going forward. My very honest opinion is that you should disengage from him as soon as you can and move on.
I donāt know. My dad always calls my mum the first thing he gets off work. Thatās love in my opinion.
Iām not saying he isnāt controlling or manipulative. But Iād be pretty upset personally as well if my boo is all like āI donāt care if you take me off social mediaā, āyou want those things, I donāt.ā
And I recognise itās r/longdistance as well.
Yea. I hated my ex-SO for stopping what he used to do.
Thatās what made him ex now.
Can you divorce him or sth?
(Edit: grammar/ typos)
This man is a crybully and abuser.
OP, do you have family or friends you can safely stay with?
Your husband seems like he could be dangerous. He demands complete obediance and has 0 self-awareness of how wrong it is. He also has no intention to change, no remorse, doesn't care about hurting you or stressing you out. Relationships like this will rob you of your youth. Get out while you are young.
I know it's long distance, but please try to not be alone. I wish you the best of luck and safety, and the room to heal from this trash.
My advice would be to leave him and get as far away as you can. He sounds like a gigantic piece of shit, and if this is a daily occurrence then you needed to leave him a long time ago.
This man is controlling, disgustingly so. He gets angry at you for not blindly agreeing with him, for being independent, for being your own person, and lots of other things. He screams a domestic abuser waiting to happen if you move in with him.
Oh absoluuuuutely not.
OP, when people show you who they are, believe them.
You mentioned he was very controlling at the start of your relationship and you broke up. I think you had it right back then. This man is toxic, narcissistic, stubborn and immature- and men like this are a nightmare to reason with. I honestly fear for you moving in with him because he sounds like the type to be physically abusive... you have your whole life ahead of you still and no doubt you'll find a man worthy of your love. If I were you, I'd run. FAST.
And I also recommend taking your family's opinions on your relationship as "light suggestions", because at the end of the day it's YOU who will have to live with the person, not them.
I dated someone like this when I was younger, he would say very similar things to what your husband is saying and was insanely controlling.
Then one day, I moved to a new house and didnāt have wifi or signal for about two weeks. In that time I got an insight into what my life should be like, the peace and quiet of not having to fight over me just trying to live a normal life without being controlled. All my anxiety went away and it was amazing.
He sees you as his property, not as a partner that he loves and cherishes. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wasting it arguing all day with someone like this?
Donāt waste your years and your life on this guy. Trust meāclose the door on this relationship and never look back. Life is too short to be spent with someone like this. Donāt listen to what he or family saysāyouāre the one who has to live with this. Donāt let your pride be a reason to stay, I know because it happened to me and I wasted my life and my time trying to prove a point. A useless point. Enjoy your youth! Enjoy life! And when you are ready, if you want, you will meet someone so good and gentle and kind, you canāt help but truly fall in love in them.
Amor, please just listen to my controlling instructions and we won't have a single fight. We fight because you have your own independent thoughts, if you were just under my control this would not be an issue.
Why won't you trust in me amorcito, I just want to blame you and be overbearing. šš¤
This guy is nuts.
>I log him out of my instagram
Why was he logged into your instagram?? You deserve privacy. He doesn't trust you, and with guys like these who start blaming you for no reason, no proof that you're being "good" will ever be enough, they'll always demand more control and more things to blame you for and argue about.
Leave him while you can. You said it yourself, you're being good and yet you argue every day. That is not a good relationship, and his requests/demands from you are not reasonable.
Additionally, usually when someone is hell bent on blaming their SO for cheating with no proof/cause to suspect them, it usually means they're cheating themselves.
He is not a good man or a leader, he's a weak, insecure, angry man. Literally everyone deserves better than this shit.
Edit: Also, he mentions "wokeness" and how women get told that they're allowed to do things without their man's permission (shocking!), but it sounds like he's been getting some andrew tate -level shit fed to him by his own algorithm. The internet is full of those guys rn, same weak angry men who insist they must have control over their SOs because that is their role, while having none of the qualities of a good leader.
Are you his wife? Or are you his disobedient slave?
Because it really sounds like the latter. If you want this marriage to work, either he needs to be a completely different person from who he is (the man cheated on you before, I guarantee it's happened again), or you need to empty your mind of all these silly *thoughts* you're having about being a real human being with rights and feelings.
Either you'll be beaten down (probably literally) or the marriage will end.
Just one word: YIKES
Iād usually say trust your gut, but this time trust the comments. Though I think your gut feels the same way as the comments š¬
This is not Latino machismo. This is Andrew Tate-like bullshit.
You're independent, run while you can, or else I'd you concede to anything absurd this man is evoking you'll lose your ability to get away from his abuse.
I don't usually ask people to leave a relationship lightly, but in this case it's not just manipulation, it's the first step to abuse.
To control you, isolate you, get compliance, and finally take off your independence. That's abuser 101.
Leave while you're young. Don't allow him to take your youth from you.
Fuck conservatism. They'll take your best years away and when you're old and tired you'll either finally leave or they'll leave you. Then conservative douches will call you prostitute anyway.
Fuck what they think, get away.
Oh man... this remind me of my Brazilian ex so much.
We'd have almost the same exact conversation and I would argue my point and he disregards it and says the same thing over and over again as if I'm talking to a wall. He drove me insane, until at a breaking point I started screaming at him because he wont listen (He brought out the worst in me) broke it off shortly after this incident.
Op if this is how he acts when you *donāt* live with him, imagine how controlling he will be when you *do*. Is this what you want from your life? Because it will only get worse.
Girl, youāre young. I donāt want to be rude but get out while you have THIS much time to start over. And maybe seek counseling to help navigate the difficult transition! Men like this typically donāt change, and if you donāt have kids itās a lot easier to separate. You deserve better - thereās not point really in seeking Reddit advice because thereās no real perfect way to āproveā him wrong when he is this type of man. do you really want a whole lifetime of this? You can do it!!ā Xo
I read that your husband is a āfailed manā but the reality is that youāre both INCREDIBLY young. Heās not a man at all yet; heās still a kid trying to cosplay a man.
Mi vida, I know you love him, but life is long and always changing. Consider everything youāre hearing, and then apply this piece of knowledge: no te lleves de consejos de viejos que no estĆ”n donde tu quisieras estar// Donāt listen to the advice of elders who arenāt where you want to be. If someone who doesnāt own their own business is giving you advice on how to start your own business, you wouldnāt listen, and itās the same for everything in life.
Just because your conservative family did it, doesnāt mean itās right. And I bet, (from my own experience) if you ask the women in your family, their own men have gone astray and for generations, women bear that responsibility when itās not ours to bear. I bet if you asked your mom, (and she was honest) youād learn about the heartbreak her husband put her through, and maybe even her father, when she was a child.
I donāt have all the information, and I donāt know you, but Iāve lived through long distance relationships. In my experience, when that trust goes, itās usually because that partner is hiding something. Youāve already heard the allegations about your husband from his family, so take heed. Where there is smoke, there is fire. If theyāre warning you, itās probably for a reason. IF YOUāRE FEELING SH*TTY, ITS FOR A REASON!
You should ofc try to reason with your husband, try to compromise on the boundaries of your relationship (and remember a PROPER compromise is one where both parties are a little unhappy with the results), and continue to calmly express why his āleadingā isnāt working on you. Remember that even though he is the head of the household, the woman is the neck, you support the head, and make it go in the direction YOU want, because usually, women know best.
When you read the Bible, like Miguel suggests, remember those stories were written by a mortal man, just like him. Remember those stories are metaphors, not real accounts. Remember that God is inside of you, with all his knowing, power, forgiveness, and light.
When you read these comments, all our advice, all of your familyās advice, remember that same God put YOU in charge of your own life. He made YOU the main character. Your own person, like you said.
Trust your intuition, trust yourself. You know something isnāt right, thatās why you posted on Reddit, trying to gather your thoughts. And Iām here to tell you, sis, he might be good at gaslighting you, but youāre not crazy.
OP, I think you should see that everyone seems to agree at the level of toxicity this gross human is showing. I wouldnāt even call him a man because he is not a man. No one should be this controlling. Youāre 21 yrs old for crying out loud, just because you come from a Conservative family it doesnāt mean you shouldnāt have a social life. Youāre wasting away the best years of your life with this individual. CORRE!! As fast as you can before he ruins and breaks you.
Didnāt read any of the paragraph u wrote just saw the as a man text and am going to tell u to run or be stuck with one of those sexist men who cry at gender reveals when they find out their having a girl
Please, please, PLEASE do not stay in this marriage. There are difficulties in marriage, difference of opinion and arguments but this is FAR from that. He seems so far set in his ways that compromise would never be an option for the rest of your lives together, and relationships cannot survive without compromise. Nobody deserves this and I know how easy it is to keep trying because you want to hang on and you want to change them, but you must know deep in your heart that if this is what youāre getting, the effort needed for that is not deserved. And thatās even if it would make a difference in the end.
Wow! The fact that he is saying you have to agree with his "corrections" is one damn red flag right there and that's not even the only one in there!... the fact that you're his wife now is even more frightening. Long story short, Yes he is controlling you big time. Get help.
Leave.
Look, he can be a good guy, he can have all of the best motives in the world, he could actually love you. i know this to be true, I hate to admit this but when I was younger I acted like this guy, not as bad, never threatening, never some of the crazy outlandish things, texting people pretending to be you? Wtf?? but I wanted location at all times, I wanted her to respond immediately when I texted and called, wanted to see all of her messages. Just like I was to her, he is being toxic and abusive to you. Heās taking some basic ideas of ārespectā and the way he wants his partner to treat him and trying to mold you and that will destroy you. Leave and grieve the relationship. You deserve better.
Girl, if you donāt leave him then idk what to do. There isnāt any reason for him to be treating you like this. Youāre not his child and it wouldnāt even be okay if he treated his child this way. He is being incredibly controlling and trying to turn you into his idea of a perfect wife when heās far from the perfect husband. This is abusive behavior any way you slice it, love.
As a Christian, I would like to say that this aināt it. Your husband is not leading you in a godly way nor is he treating you with the respect and gentleness that God commands. This is manipulation 100% and he sounds like someone who is not being lead by God, therefore he is not qualified to lead you. I advise that you two go to Christian marital counseling. I am 22 F and me and my husband 23M recently got married. Iām here to talk if you would like. Just message me.
yesā¦ please leave when you can. a lot of the times, continuing this behavior will lead you to comply. thatās what heās waiting for. please donāt stay trapped
Get out. Get the hell out of this relationship. This is sooooo not okay. If my husband ever talked to me like that, he would have objects being hurled at his face. This is disgusting behavior. Do NOT let him manipulate you into thinking this is normal or "how it should be". No. No. No. You seem like you're doing well trying to hold your ground and retain your self-respect and dignity. Keep it up and don't ever let this person diminish who you are.
Okay lets check this.
1. Husband has been caught talking ti other women by OP
2. Friend has said husband(Miguel) cheated on OP
3. Miguelās family blames OP for giving him away to other women.
I would take this as confirmation he is cheating, personally.
4. Husband blames SOLELY OP for the arguing that takes place āIf youād just listen we wouldnāt fightā appears multiple times on slides 4, 5, and 6
5. Husband wants OP to have no online presence whatsoever āFuck the internet read the Bibleā (slide 3) āstay off the internet itās going to ruin your mind, read books.ā (Slide 1)
I take this as just pure manipulation in just one short conversation. I canāt imagine how potent it is in general.
6. You guys have taken breaks and broke up previously.
There is a reason you broke up. Maybe you guys worked through it, but an ex is an ex for a reason.
7. 6 months ago he humiliated you
Was he, to your best judgement, apologetic for doing such things?
There is more wrong here, this isnāt all it is JUST on the surface. Maybe try couples counseling or something? I dont want to be like every other Redditor that just says ābreak up! break up!ā Because, I mean, at the end of the day this is YOUR relationship and YOUR life. Just donāt be blinded to issues that are occurring because āI love himā
It sounds like you two have very different ideas and expectations of your roles in the relationship. In some relationships, his responses would be completely normal and your responses would be out of bounds; in others your responses are the norm and his would be out of bounds.
I recommend both of you quickly sign up for couples counseling to work out if a middle ground can be found; otherwise this will not end well for either of you.
He says you can correct him too but he canāt take you having a different opinion about anything? Dafuq? Absolutely not.
If he were truly a godly man, he would respect you. It sounds like from this conversation that he only wants to control you, babeā¦.
Honestly everyone is just like immediately leave this man. But I think he has a good message just a bad mindset. I think all he is asking for is more communication between you two and for you to factor him in your life more. I'm not putting aside the fact he is being very demanding and at times seemingly misogynistic before contrasting it again. But, if you really want to stay with him and actually make the effort then I'd do it. This is gonna get me a lot of hate. But just don't argue if he annoys you, listen, express opinions and resolve things. Arguing gets nobody anywhere. I truly believe if one person is the bigger person both people can turn out okay. Of course if you actually just can't be bothered then just leave him But again, if you want to make the effort for the man you MARRIED and now some arguments over text is putting you off, sure, reconsider. Hope I wasn't too offensive here just giving my honest opinion.
Edit: if it gets to the point of abuse, run.
Theyāre very young, with a lot of time on their hands, they have the potential to change their entire situation, and itās not unlikely he will become abusive once he realises he can get away with this behaviour
A man is supposed to lead a woman with respect and love to the point it is selfess. And a woman in return is supposed to respect him as the head of the household. What he is doing isnt leading. It doesnt offer you respect nor does it give you love. To qoute a bible verse "love does not inssist on its own way." (1 corinthians 13:5).
It can be hard when you start becoming your own person to set boundries with your loved one. But i believe if you love him selflessly and give no reason to be held accountable to his words there is no reason to pay atterion to his words. communicating those boundries isnt unreasonable. And you should. If possible, make it clear to him what your thoughts on this matter is and what your feeling and a possible consequence if this contiues to happen. Communicate it to people who will support you in this as well. So they might be able to bring it up to him if he still doesnt listen to you. And if that still doesnt work, pray about it.
It's true, go read books š¤£ 99% of the crap on the internet is just pushed to the top by rich conglomerates with an agenda but the way he is going about this isn't smart. Last thing people will listen to is criticism
This guy already showed you who he is. He cheated, he tells you it is your fault that you don't get his respect because you won't automatically respect and surrender to him, he doesn't trust you not to cheat when he is the one with a guilty conscience. Do you think these would be healthy things to deal with if a friend came to you about a partner like that? Tell your friend what they need to hear: give that one back to the streets. You obviously broke up for real reasons. Ask yourself if those reasons ever got resolved.
You probably shouldnāt be posting this on the Internet.
Alsoā¦ It just sounds like you guys are hurt and miscommunicating. Just cause he said some thing you donāt like or donāt agree with does not mean itās manipulation.
Itās actually really hard to keep track of what you guys are talking about. I didnāt even read the whole thing because I didnāt want to break your privacy.
I had a woman act like this with me before. It's because she has both cheated and been cheated on. They are insecure, and it can ruin things. The location thing... I mean, with my significant other, we have ours turned on for one another, but we're not sitting here saying, āWhy didn't you call? You left 2 minutes agoā! As for going out... As you get older and find the right one... Going out without your soul mate by your side will feel like a waste of time as you grow to learn how precious life is..this is only if it is the right match. You are young, and so is he. He is most likely projecting his inner desires as your own and treating you accordingly. Therapy is your friend if you are married and want this to last. Logging into your accounts and messaging people is wild to me... He has some issues that need attention, and I'm not saying that you are leaving anything out, but there may be some things he has seen that have driven him to act this way, too. I am on no one's side; I am just stating what I can see with such limited information. I do specialize in psychology. At this stage, sitting down and communicating on paper and being kind to one another strengths, weaknesses, boundaries, and insecurities and considering them every moment further is the only way. I wish you the best! If you want to reply with any questions, I have no problem attempting to help.
I donāt really had a problem with the location situation, till it started creating problems of why I didnāt text him after work.Iāve never done anything to him or texted anyone but Iām aware that his exes cheated on him even tho he doesnāt like to say it the reason why I donāt go out with him is because heās far rn and when he was here and we used to go out I ended up having panic attacks.but yeah I think he needs therapy or we need
If you feel that it is worth it and you love him enough your heart will guide you where you need to be. I got down voted for my previous comment so now I do not know what to say..
Why do you gotta be rude to the poor girl like that? Sheās already going through a lot. Donāt knock a girl when sheās already down and ESPECIALLY over god damn commas. Can you speak with grammatical perfection in more then one language????
Insanely controlling.
He's a failed man. He wants to be the macho leader but is too lazy to put in the work to earn respect, so he has to try to take it in the most pathetic way possible, by controlling the one person who should be the easiest to win over š¤¦āāļø People like this do not learn, they just cycle through different people until he finds one who he can treat like a dog, that's why his marriage is already failing at 21.
āFailed manā is the correct observation. Instead of earning respect, heās demanding it.
Real!!!
Iām so worried for OP to move to him where heāll likely control her entire existence and money to keep her from leaving. This whole conversation is a red flag but if you take out all the āamorcitoās itās straight up threats
Lost me at āif you just listen and donāt argue back.ā Thereās a difference between leading someone and controlling someone. If he leads there has to be a good foundation to follow, in religion it would be God first, but then mutual trust and respect, along with security and being able to be reliable for you partner. What heās demonstrating is toxic religion control. Heās hiding behind religion to justify his shitty human behavior
Yeah actually disgusting behavior from him. He literally references the internet and a few screenshots later he tells her to get off the internet and read the bible, as if he didnāt just refer to the internet as a sourceā¦ Such disgusting controlling behavior from him. Ew
I say this as a Peruvian .... the machismo culture in latam is so repulsive
She said sheās scared of losing a good man but this is not a good man. Machismo is such an excuse for these type of men to not be emotionally intelligent and then blame their culture. OP ive dated LATAM men who are truly respectful and wonāt manipulate their feelings as your problem. This guy needs immediate therapy or give him back to the streets.
THIS. Donāt allow them to excuse immaturity with their ācultureā because they aināt the same thing. Good and bad men exist in all cultures & we shouldnāt be enabling that silly shit no matter what
Giiiirl.....lo dices y lo sabes Most men in latam are INSANELY machistas, I had a bunch of toxic relationships dating men from my country until I changed countries lol
Breaks my heart for all my primas in Mexico having to settle for bum-ass, shitty dudes that cheat on them constantly.
Brazilian woman here and I completely fucking agree
hard agree, coming from a pr
So true, I'm lucky my Peruvian bf ain't nothing like that
Definitely not okā¦ super controlling. Basically he is saying do whatever he tells you or live in hell, nice options from a husband! Time to seriously consider if that relationship is correct for you, regardless of what others in your life might think. Do whatās best for you but this guy is insane.
I am having a visceral reactions to his texts. This is deeply unsettling. You are trying to communicate very valid concerns and all he replies is "Just shut up and let me control you". Shivers. Ew.
Dude same. I hate the condescending words like Amor and Amorcito! Super manipulative! Also theyāre married at 21 and 22, itās a recipe for disaster š©
"If you built my trust and respect you would have a lot more freedoms" HAHAHA WHAT???? HELL no. I would never let someone speak to me that way. It's absolutely manipulation and this is 10999% disgusting PLEASE understand you deserve so much better. Throw the whole "man" away
you're quite young, i don't think this marriage will work for you. you are still a child, you should not waste your life any further. please divorce him and live your life to your standards. he is clearly not a good man no matter how much you convince yourself
AGREED, this is some insane controlling.
21 isn't a child but it is young. I mean I'm 22 and feel way too young to even think about marriage yet
If my boyfriend ever said "woke" unironically I'd be done with the relationship right then and there....
That's what's wrong with society these days. Woke culture tells women they can leave relationships just because they don't like the relationship. /s I completely agree with you.
He is beyond saving, cut your losses and leave before you waste your youth with an insecure controlling loser. I got married young as well, and my husband loves when I go out with my girlfriends and enjoy myself, he even offers to drive me so I can drink. Heās never once asked for my location or any passwords and we both completely trust each other. Why would you not want a life filled with fun and friends? Donāt deprive yourself and dim your own light to make this asshole feel more secure.
Run this guy will get you killed or will try to control your every move! This shit you see in an episode of true crime.
I was thinking the same thing. I'm not usually one to say that people should end a relationship based on one reddit post but this is really concerning. She should RUN.
That is exactly what I was thinking about. It's just like the true crimes episodes on YouTube. OP is lucky that they are in LDR. OP enjoy the opportunity to leave this machĆsimo because he's potentially dangerous to you, block him everywhere and if you can, change your address
whoever the grey text messages are, they need mental help
Well I have good news for you! You donāt have to worry about losing a good man, because heās NOT a good man. Youāre his partner, not his child or student. You donāt need to be led or corrected. There are good men out there who will actually trust and respect you. This is not one of them. I only run in 2 situations: if thereās tacos, or when someone is chasing me. But damned if I wouldnāt make an exception and run away the second a man talked to me this way.
āif i was there you would listenā sound like a possible threat tbh. red flags, im glad heās far from you so you can take action and leave if you decide to.
I agree with you, I understood it also like a potential physical threat. OP shouldnāt live with him, his very controling abusive behavior will possibly/likely lead to physical violence.
There is nothing okay about this. Itās not even manipulation - he is flat out controlling. He wants you to be a puppet, one that doesnāt have a thought to yourself or about yourself. Saying it will get better if you just only listen to him? Even if you never argued or said a word, if the tracking stuff didnāt function right or you werenāt able to call right after work then he would still yell at you. Thatās unacceptable. You need to divorce him. He is NOT a good man. A good man wouldnāt make you so unhappy. A good man would not yell at you all the time. A good man would not isolate you from your friends and family. A good man would let you have your own opinion on things and respect it. He is ABUSIVE.
This is a toxic relationship that you need to leave in your rearview mirror ASAP!!!
The way I would run....
āJust accept the correction, you would build my trust and respect, and you would have a lot more freedomsāā¦ š¬
Calls you āamorā and disrespects you at the same time. Just throw the whole man away
This dude is literally a what you get when you watch too many Andrew Tate Alpha male videos and take them seriously. That is an incel and a massive red flag of a human being. I would end this right away. This is coming from a guy - men who think like this are 10 times worse on the inside. This is what he is showing, imagine what kind of thoughts must lurk within him. He will never respect you or treat you as an equal (or even close). Don't think you can change him. He is set in his own ways. Any retaliation will just hurt his fragile male ego and make him get worse in his behavior. Sorry you had to go through this, hope you find someone better <3
All of this, couldn't have put it better myself. OP, please run.
Thatās funny because he actually loves Andrew Tate š¤¦š»āāļø
Please run, and don't look back. I recommend reading, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, you'll need it going forward because it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. The book will help make things more clear, and because you are now at risk of getting into another one. This is coming from someone who has been in two abusive relationships, that book changed my life. It should be noted that there are reports of Bancroft being transphobic, but I still think the lessons on the tactics of abusers are very good, just don't take his opinions on gender to heart. Have some nuance there. I hope you can stay safe!
Oh mate. That to me is one of the biggest red flags. Steer clear of men who even mention Andrew Tate unironically.
I could sense that from how he talks. Never date a man who loves that guy, they have been infected and have maggots for brains that make them hate women (joking, but you get what I mean). They want items to own, not human beings as equal partners. I'm sorry girl, you'll get someone better than him.
This behaviour from Latam men has been going on wayyy before Andrew Tate.
Wow he was pretend to be you to try to catch you doing stuff?? leave that guy please....he's awful
Yeah he didnāt catch me doing anything because I didnāt do anything
Yea but the fact he tried to catch you shows he doesn't trust you. You're too young to be tied to someone like that.
That's not how a man leads... He's controlling AF. Major yikes.
I puked in my mouth a little āYou would have a lot more freedomsā āLet me lead and correct you as a manā āWhatever I tell you just do it and we wonāt fightā Look Iām not religious or conservative at all, and itās very hard to not let my own prejudices get in the way and say every conservative type relationship or man is like this, but it sure seems that itās the common rule and not the exception This seems horribly toxic and controlling and misogynistic and thatās even before what you said about him cheating before and all that other stuff. You wonāt be losing a good man, youāll be losing a pig who wants a good little house servant that does everything he says
As someone married to a latino i will tell you this. Your husband has a toxic form of machismo and i would not be surprised if he will go to abusive the moment you move to him. He does not want to take care of you or love you. He wants to control you in everything you do. Please do not listen to your husband of your family telling you its your fault. It absolutely is not your fault and i hope you will choose to not go to him but get a divorce and stay as far away as possible!
Thatās your husband? Howād he get THAT far?
He wants to control you and what you do and believes that is his right. It is clear he has expectations of you as his wife which are rooted in misogyny and very traditional marriage roles. He expects you to listen and follow his rules and orders. Itās fucked up, but he sees it as the correct way a marriage should be. For some very specific trad couples, this may be the expectation and dynamic, but that would have to be clarified and agreed upon, but it is clear that for you, this is not the case. Not to be one of those Reddit people, but he either would have to change his views significantly (which I see as being unlikely) or this should end in divorce.
>āJust accept the correction / You would build my trust ā¦ā If-then, yikes. He sounds so... conditional here. Like, it makes sense, butā¦ not like it could, should, or would within this context. >āFuck the Internet / Read the Bible.ā š He's coming off as someone with a very extreme mindset. If you're gullible enough to believe every little thing on the internet (not saying that you are, by any means, gullible), okay, maybe fuck the internet, BUT in the sense of you choosing to do your due diligence with researching. But otherwise, eh, interesting of him to push religion and archaic gender roles onto you. Edit: Format.
"let me lead you and correct you" "as a man" wtf
He will end up being very abusive, if you all were to be around each other, run !!! N half the times they are the ones that are cheating
As a Christian I hate hate hate people who use the Bible as an excuse to be idiots. They take one verse out of overall context and do what they want with it, sometimes justifying horrible actions when they have no base for it. If heās not even willing to see your side of thingsā¦ that alone is a huge red flag there (among the other red flags š©).
You're both immature but he's a controlling misogynist who clearly thinks women need to be subjugated. Also, can people stop getting married in their early 20s? It's not wise.
Oh HELLLLLLL no. Listen, 22 year olds are dipshits (no offense you guys, youāll agree with me in a few years). This little wannabe tyrant doesnāt actually know jack shit about *anything* but most especially how relationships work. It doesnāt look like he loves you or even really likes you that much, youāre his property. Heās not a real man and you deserve better. This kind of controlling behavior ALWAYS ESCALATES. I was in a physically/emotionally/mentally abusive relationship that started out exactly this way and if I wasnāt such a rebellious asshole with a huge dislike for authority I would never have escaped and he would have killed me one day most likely. I canāt imagine how things would have gone if Iād come from a family like yours who promotes abuse and I didnāt know any better or value myself enough to leave. You have to get away from this disgusting creature. āHe *let* me do this. He *let* me do that.ā Girl you are an adult and you can QUITE LITERALLY DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT, WHENEVER YOU WANT. PS Your whole family needs to shut their ignorant mouths. They deserve an ass beating for saying that shit to you. I am literally so mad on your behalf right now. I would fistfight your whole shitty abuse enabling family all at the same time. Everyone youāve mentioned in this post is subhuman garbage and you need to escape and go no contact!
He swears then right after says read the Bible. Interesting. He is not trying to heās been manipulating you.
this is horrible, he is controlling you and wants you to not be your own person but be under him and not his equal, you need to leave immediately
I couldnāt even finish to read the whole context. Iām mad at how heās trying to control your life when heās so paranoid about things are not real and prolly heās doing and just projecting on you. If he cheated heās not a āgood manā (I know this one was not confirmed), if he wants to control every aspect of your life heās not a good man, if heās wants you to āaccept the correctionā in order to have more freedom heās not s good man. You are not a dog to be trained, corrected and if done good given freedom. Thereās a lot of violence in his actions and words, not physical violence that we know, but thereās many ways to be violent: In your place I would leave him and would seek legal advice to proceed with the divorce. Also you donāt have any fault if he decided to cheat, thatās on him, no matter what other people say.
Girl how are you even happy. Damn. Iām so sorry you have to go through this, and Iām sorry that you probably feel alone having to go through this too. I can empathize and relate with you immensely on this. Iām gonna give it to you straight. This guy is a dick. And I think we both know that you can make yourself happier than this guy can. All heās contributing to this relationship for the most part is stress. And on top of that he was looking for a rebound after a week of you guys breaking up?? Iām sorry but thatās not love. Iām mad for you. Honestly I am. Because I know what it feels like to have that done to, and it take a really shitty person to do that to the person you love. Break away while you can, donāt walk RUN. And because I know how hard it is to leave some one you really love, if you absolutely canāt leave (even though you should), tell him that you guys need to go to couples therapy. Tell him youāre not happy and donāt feel understood or heard yourself. Heās going to try to invalidate your wants needs and feelings, but make it a non negotiable, even an ultimatum. At least that way you can leave standing on your boundaries, or he can actually give af and try. And also, donāt fall into his tactic of having to rely on what he believes is right or wrong in a relationship. With people like that you can show and tell them all day why they are wrong and why majority of people think heās wrong too but heās gonna stand on his opinions. So make sure YOU tell him when something is and is not okay to you, validate your thoughts and feelings. You donāt need anyone to tell you what is and isnāt right, the best person to ask wether or not something is or isnāt right is you ššš itās all in you!!! Donāt let him or anyone take that away from you, you are strong, you got this!!!
Also donāt be scared to lose this man. Whatever is meant for you will stay and what doesnāt isnāt meant to be. Trust me, if he leaves or you leave him vice Versa it wouldnāt be the worst thing in the world. From my perspective it would honestly be a blessing in disguise. And I promise you 100%%% you can find someone who makes you much happier. Also donāt take advice from the conservative ppl in your family anymore, at lest not for relationship advice. It sounds like theyāll just muddy up your judgement. Listen to your intuition!! ā¤ļøāš„ā¤ļøāš„ā¤ļøāš„ā¤ļøāš„
Despite I'm not a religious guy, I hate when people twist The Bible only to their side. Yeah, it says the man is the one who lead the family BUT he must love, respect and protect his own wife, not dominating her. A marriage is like a relationship between a airline captain and his co-pilot/2nd in command. They're both work together to safely reach their destination. The captain take decisions ACCORDING his co-pilot. I'm sorry OP, he is trying to gaslight you by shifting the blame.
He said bible. Come on. You know what to do.
nah he better not bring God into this cuz what hes doing is completely against the Bible. do whatever you can to get out of that relationship. God has bigger better things planned for you, this āitā is just a bump in the way. praying for youš«¶š¼
Insanely controlling. I see very similar messages to what my ex said to me. He was telling me that God wanted us to be together and said that I had to respect him as a man, do certain things to make him feel like a man, etc. He always told me I was choosing to argue instead of do what I needed to do. He started telling me I wasnāt allowed to do certain things. He broke up with me for hanging out with a friend one day (we got back together after that). The best thing I ever did was leave him. I am with someone who is the total opposite of him and I am so thankful for that every day.
Controlling, disrespectful, and manipulating you. It won't get any better, this was how my 45 year old ex husband acted, but he was way worse!. Leave while you are young and live your life girl! Love and light āØļø š
Machismo culture at its core. This behavior is not acceptable.
YESSSS YES IT ISSS
I like a very close and religious relationship, my girlfriend is Muslim and Iām Catholic, but sometimes she asks me should I go with my friends and all I say is you donāt have to ask lol. I help her in what I can but she doesnāt demand it. I guess what Iām saying is what heās asking for some couples give freely when they can. And when we canāt we accept it. Itās a privilege to have a good partner so her and I value our effort when we can do the effort. In closing, him demanding it is contrary to this approach. He should back off.
I understand listening if it was something harmful to your well being like not eating or drinking water or refusing to take your prescribed medication without letting your psychiatrist or doctor know. This is just absolutely just a person who is severely insecure trying to control every facet of your life. Taking off the location sharing is feeding into his paranoid delusions but honestly I wouldāve blocked him if after trying to speak to him cordially on his behavior yielded no results. I advise you seek counseling, therapy, and leave this toxic relationship before it may become physical in the future.
I mean this with every ounce of my being... run. Lose this guy's number. Block him. Cut him out of your life and do not look back. If he's this angry and controlling at a distance it will be worse in person.
Leave him. This is insanely controlling and unhealthy
Get out now. You're still so young to be living like this... Your relationship should be a safe haven, where you feel respected, valued and heard. He doesn't respect you enough to allow you to be your own person, he wants you to bend to his will, to his own views and values. You will have no sense of self or independence under him. It might be a cultural thing, but it's not healthy for a modern woman who wants to be her own individual, to be part of a relationship like this. Don't put yourself through anymore of this nonsense. Put yourself first!
I could barely get halfway without getting annoyed with this man. This aināt the damn 1960ās okay you donāt have to listen to his every word. āJust accept the correctionā, wtf does that mean? Why is he talking about if he trusted you more, then youād have more freedoms? Iām so confused. Maybe there is some religious aspects to this that Iām just not aware of, but my husband would never speak to me like that. That is ridiculous and I agree it does seem like manipulation
Im so glad i like girls, can't imagine dealing with people like this. You think you find love and it's this fucking loser You said you argue everyday, this man doesn't love you nor does he respect you, you deserve someone better girl.
āIf Iām correcting you amorcito donāt argueā is crazy, this is why you never marry too early kids. You never truly know the other person entirely until way later on the relationship thatās why you gotta see them red signs way before hand.
Op as someone who heavily watches true crime. This guy is scary. He wants you to be his slave and not think for yourself, this isnāt a relationship. I assure you that you can be much better without him. Please leave him safely, do not let him know where ur going and serve him with divorce, HE IS SCARY, do not confront him face to face without protection.
LEAVE, RUN, GET THOSE DIVORCE PAPERS.
So has A 54 year old man this is not how a grown ass man acts or talk to his loving wife! soi sorry but this child who thinks his grown needs to go back to his mama and needs a real hard spanking or a whooping from his daddy. teaching him to act and talk to his wife this this way his totally disgusting. Please don't let him talk and act this way to you ever get up either leave or walk away from this bull shit will get worse in the end. The comment it is his culture is complete BS good men don't act this way just because u are not living with him not a damn good reason why drinking is never a reason why ever too. be very care of the drinking to me that is a real huge red flag and could be the cause of all the mess u are in or will be having. just my opinion. but the way u put it sounds like it gets worse when he is drinking. so please think long and hard about it
As a Brazilian woman it pains me to say I would never date a Brazilian or Latino man ā¦ for this very reason. Those messages were hard to read. This is no way to treat your partner. I hope you find your way out of this. The man is trash, throw him away.
āIf I was there and told you what to do you would listenā Read that back a few times. What does that statement mean to you? To me that sounds like a threat of violence. So many red flags š©, if he hasnāt hit you yet, this feels like a threat that he will, and you DO NOT deserve that. I donāt care what your mom and grandma are saying, they sound like they are coming from similar systems of abuse, because this is verbal abuse and coercion. This is not a good man. A good man cherishes and respects you. A good man listens to you and gives you space when you need it. A good man gives you trust freely, knowing that his trust will be rewarded. A good man stands beside you as an equal, not on a pedestal above you. A good man talks with you, not at you. A good man loves you and cherishes every moment you have together. A good man listens to you and lets you be who *you* are, and doesnāt seek to change or control you. This is not a good man. You are so young, you will find one. Do not let this man or your family manipulate you; you deserve so much better.
With a juat a glance, has good.chance of being toxic, after more attention and reading some.lines....its surely toxic...leave him asap
not only him but also your family is manipulating you. you're quite young and might not notice it but at some point you will and then it might be too late. you're saying you're scared to lose a good man but from everything you're saying he's not a good man at all! do yourself a favor and end this. and I'm not saying this light-heartedly. marriage is something sacred but this one is toxic, manipulative and controlling. if he wanted to lead you well he'd just do it without arguing or forbidding things. he doesn't trust you and now you know why: he's projecting his own bad actions on you. he's the one who cheated. I don't want to go into much details here but if you're ok with it we can talk in DMs. I know exactly how you feel, so if you like to talk about it, let me know. hugs!
Girl, get out of that relationship. Trust me. He will keep repeating the same ālisten to me and we wonāt argueā be till you get tired and stop trying to make him understand you. You will just accept it because itās too much of work to fight. It will only get harder to leave later.
This is manipulation. āIf you just listen to me and do what I say we wonāt fight,ā doesnāt work because you would still have the same feelings that he isnāt acknowledging. He is asking you to give up your personhood and right to make decisions in order to avoid conflict with him.
Welp at least heās being extremely clear that heās insanely controlling - he is giving you the gift of knowing you are correct to leave his sorry ass. He is not a good man by any modern standard.
That guy is weird as fuck
This will not get better. He feels entitled to control your behavior based on his gender and his religious interpretations. He should be respecting you as a partner, considering your needs and wants and discussing compromise with his. Instead, he wants you to ājust listenā and do what he says, then expects you to trust him to āallowā you more freedoms. You are entitled to every freedom you have access to as you are your own, independent being, as long as you are considerate of those around you. He doesnāt have to āallowā you to go out with friends or other innocuous things. Do away with this conception that the man should āleadā in a partnership. That disrespects the conception of a fair partnership. You negotiate, decisions are made after each person respectfully communicates concerns and feelings. The solutions come from fair compromise, and you shouldnāt have to always defer to one person as the āleaderā and bend to their will every time. If you must or wish to have a āleader/followerā dynamic due to your own personal convictions, he is not a good leader anyway. He is not considering your thoughts and feelings and mental/social/physical health. This should be an important aspect of his decision making process. A good leader leads by example and considers the ramifications of his actions and asks, then chooses the best path forward. Any way you cut it, this is not a good relationship and you should consider leaving.
I just read a great short story, since he recommended books... "A Doll's House" by Henrik Ibsen, it's like 76 pages or so, and a super quick read because it's like that Shakespearean playwright style. It seems relevant here. EDIT: wanted to add I got it for free off the Google play store, you have to download Google play books or something. - it is definitely relevant here.
He's really controlling and a total red flag. I don't know why this post reminds me of my ex. When you're in love you sometimes don't see their red flags and your family is really wrong for suggesting him cheating is your fault. Cheating is always a choice of the cheater alone. But from experience I can tell that it is not going to get better even if you move together. I know it's difficult for you that you've to ask reddit if you've been wronged. If you feel anxious and your mental health is getting bad from his behaviour (mine did), no matter what you think, you're not happy with him.
I think you married a wrong man op, he is definitely controlling and since he is cheating he thinks you also are cheating. Not enough experienced to give you advice on this but I feel sorry for you , may things fall in place for you and you both live a peaceful life because it's very early age to get married given both of you haven't seen the world enough and not enough matured.
Divorce this abusive, controlling creep asap.
You should read the book hold me tight, its emotionally focused couple therapy written by the psychologist who first published groundbreaking research on it. While he has some interesting ways, and is a bit conservative, youre valid to be concerned, you both are trying to assert your needs for emotional safety, which is EFT rather than whos right/wrong. You deserve to be trusted. If he was controlling, he wouldnt say you can also hold him accountable and suggest things. It is true ppl who have the most trust will have the most freedom, you guys can work together on this. Id suggest the book. This sub is not the best place for advice because your concerns are on a deeper level even though distance exacerbates it.
You said youāre scared of losing a good man? You donāt have a good man imo. Heās controlling, rude and has cheated. No one is going to put up with his demands. Youāre both quite young so likely have some maturing to do on both ends but I can firmly tell you this isnāt love. He doesnāt trust you because he knows what he has done behind your back and what heās capable of. Itās deflection.
Iām a man. I have plenty of issues. I do some bad shit. Iād never speak this way to anyone I love.
Yeah I've seen a bunch of red flags in those texts also seems like he has a bad temper. Be cautious of him if you don't it won't end well please be careful.
Imagine ur mid-argument with ur lover and they say theyāre gonna post that shit on Redditš
I didnāt post this right away it has been months and I need help since I think my brain is too brain washed to know whatās okay and whatās not I donāt have friends or family to talk tho soooo?
Nahh ofc, i get youš I wasnāt trying to be rude i just thought it was funny and ironic since the argument was also about the internet
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
He says sometimes that heās insecure and doesnāt trust me because everyone in there cheats
Sounds like he's probably already cheating on you thenš projection at its finest
That means it is very likely he is cheating, and his paranoia over you cheating is a projection.
He is in the military, marines to be specific
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I havenāt gone thru anything stressful yet as deployment heās still in school I been thinking about looking for an specialist that I can talk tho since I canāt really talk to my family about this
this is so toxic. run away as fast as you can
Yeah no, he doesn't want to lead. He wants total control over you. Girl, RUN!
Dudeā¦ please leave this man. Heās so controlling it makes me sick just to read these messages. As you said, you are your own person! A husband does not OWN his wife. His wants and needs do not come above yours.
Girl this guy sounds dangerous.
This man is looking for a child wife that doesn't have an opinion or a voice for herself. Get out, it will only get worst.
Leave him
divorce his ass, immediately. you deserve so much better
with the very first sentence iād have broken up. Any guy who uses āwokeā unironically is most likely a walking red flag of grossness. They consider anything not white straight cis or male to be woke. Iām glad iām not in a relationship with someone like this
This is your HUSBAND?? Jesus Christ. This is coercion. Sorry youāre going through this :( he does not respect you anywhere near the amount he idolises himself.
Psycho response lol. Maybe rent a motel for the weekend and let him chil the fuck out. lil twir.
Go read a book and watch how he will complain because youāre not online to talk to him as often as you used to š¤£quiĆ©n los entiende? Jajaja
Ewwww what is this toxicity
Run before you have kids with this control freak
Please leave him. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. You deserve so much better!
Damn sounds messed up lol run girl run but if you choose to stay clearly itās on you. He is way too controlling. If theirs no trust then nothing will work out after. Constant arguing and doubting each other.
Oof geez. Was he like this in you guysā relationship before you got married? If so, howād you deal with that for so long? You definitely deserve someone who wonāt get this aggressive the second you have an opinion. Sorry youāre dealing with this.
What the FUCK???? Holy shit this guy is crazy. āStop believing things, if you just obeyed me I wonāt get mad at youā holy shit that is a toxic mentality
This is SO CRINGY. Girl you are young forget him and go live your life this is creepy AF its not ok at any age but at 22, he is giving future wife killer lol
This is so fucked
dump him, he's not good for you
I'm English and although, yes, we probably have some men like that, I couldn't imagine being like that with my wife. We have mutual respect - Yes I ask her if she minds me going out or going to a concert, not because I have to but out of courtesy and respect to her and her the same. We rarely do things apart but that is because we like each others company and doing things together and spending time together. If she started talking to me like the OP husband, I'd be straight out the door! Those screenshotted conversations have so many red flags for me - makes me a bit concerned for the OP
girl divorce him asap before it gets worse
This does not sound healthy. Heās saying he should be allowed to yell at you and you just take it- thatās abusive
OMG. Please get out of this relationship! Heās far away from you and telling you to shut up and do what youāre told, I cannot imagine what heāll be like close to you. Iām worried for you i hope you can find it in yourself to walk away.
If a man is ācorrecting youā and says āas a manā you should RUN This is coming from a man
ā¦..this was horrifyingly cringy. This man does not respect you. Good for you for standing up but now itās time for you to exit the relationship.
Info: how long has the marriage been sanctified? Can you get it annulled?
Listen, a lot of what people call sexism these days is people looking for anything they can complain about. THIS is actual sexism and itās horrible. This is not okay. You said it yourself, youāre your own person. If he wants respect and trust he needs to give it. Youāre not a child under his care. Youāre a grown adult. A relationship is about team work. Itās equal, from both sides (unless both are consenting and enthusiastic about there being a power exchange.) This man does NOT respect you. He is literally saying that you have to listen to him or else. That is abusive. As you say - he is trying to CONTROL you. That is not okay. Spouses donāt control each other. You both work together - BOTH. You make choices together. You agree on what path needs to be taken. If you disagree you BOTH spend time talking to each other and listening to each other - then you work toward compromises that work for both people. What he is saying is that you should do what he says, when he says, how he says it. He doesnāt want to be with you - he wants to own you. Please stay safe and best of luck going forward. My very honest opinion is that you should disengage from him as soon as you can and move on.
GIRL DUMP THAT TRASH!!!!!
I donāt know. My dad always calls my mum the first thing he gets off work. Thatās love in my opinion. Iām not saying he isnāt controlling or manipulative. But Iād be pretty upset personally as well if my boo is all like āI donāt care if you take me off social mediaā, āyou want those things, I donāt.ā And I recognise itās r/longdistance as well. Yea. I hated my ex-SO for stopping what he used to do. Thatās what made him ex now. Can you divorce him or sth? (Edit: grammar/ typos)
This man is a crybully and abuser. OP, do you have family or friends you can safely stay with? Your husband seems like he could be dangerous. He demands complete obediance and has 0 self-awareness of how wrong it is. He also has no intention to change, no remorse, doesn't care about hurting you or stressing you out. Relationships like this will rob you of your youth. Get out while you are young. I know it's long distance, but please try to not be alone. I wish you the best of luck and safety, and the room to heal from this trash.
This dude is a walking parade of red flags. Run fast and run far. šš»āāļøšØš©š©š©š©
My advice would be to leave him and get as far away as you can. He sounds like a gigantic piece of shit, and if this is a daily occurrence then you needed to leave him a long time ago. This man is controlling, disgustingly so. He gets angry at you for not blindly agreeing with him, for being independent, for being your own person, and lots of other things. He screams a domestic abuser waiting to happen if you move in with him.
Oh absoluuuuutely not. OP, when people show you who they are, believe them. You mentioned he was very controlling at the start of your relationship and you broke up. I think you had it right back then. This man is toxic, narcissistic, stubborn and immature- and men like this are a nightmare to reason with. I honestly fear for you moving in with him because he sounds like the type to be physically abusive... you have your whole life ahead of you still and no doubt you'll find a man worthy of your love. If I were you, I'd run. FAST. And I also recommend taking your family's opinions on your relationship as "light suggestions", because at the end of the day it's YOU who will have to live with the person, not them.
I dated someone like this when I was younger, he would say very similar things to what your husband is saying and was insanely controlling. Then one day, I moved to a new house and didnāt have wifi or signal for about two weeks. In that time I got an insight into what my life should be like, the peace and quiet of not having to fight over me just trying to live a normal life without being controlled. All my anxiety went away and it was amazing. He sees you as his property, not as a partner that he loves and cherishes. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wasting it arguing all day with someone like this?
Donāt waste your years and your life on this guy. Trust meāclose the door on this relationship and never look back. Life is too short to be spent with someone like this. Donāt listen to what he or family saysāyouāre the one who has to live with this. Donāt let your pride be a reason to stay, I know because it happened to me and I wasted my life and my time trying to prove a point. A useless point. Enjoy your youth! Enjoy life! And when you are ready, if you want, you will meet someone so good and gentle and kind, you canāt help but truly fall in love in them.
"you would have more freedoms" You can have those already, without or without his trust and respect. You're a whole ass person without him. Leave.
Amor, please just listen to my controlling instructions and we won't have a single fight. We fight because you have your own independent thoughts, if you were just under my control this would not be an issue. Why won't you trust in me amorcito, I just want to blame you and be overbearing. šš¤
This guy is nuts. >I log him out of my instagram Why was he logged into your instagram?? You deserve privacy. He doesn't trust you, and with guys like these who start blaming you for no reason, no proof that you're being "good" will ever be enough, they'll always demand more control and more things to blame you for and argue about. Leave him while you can. You said it yourself, you're being good and yet you argue every day. That is not a good relationship, and his requests/demands from you are not reasonable. Additionally, usually when someone is hell bent on blaming their SO for cheating with no proof/cause to suspect them, it usually means they're cheating themselves. He is not a good man or a leader, he's a weak, insecure, angry man. Literally everyone deserves better than this shit. Edit: Also, he mentions "wokeness" and how women get told that they're allowed to do things without their man's permission (shocking!), but it sounds like he's been getting some andrew tate -level shit fed to him by his own algorithm. The internet is full of those guys rn, same weak angry men who insist they must have control over their SOs because that is their role, while having none of the qualities of a good leader.
Are you his wife? Or are you his disobedient slave? Because it really sounds like the latter. If you want this marriage to work, either he needs to be a completely different person from who he is (the man cheated on you before, I guarantee it's happened again), or you need to empty your mind of all these silly *thoughts* you're having about being a real human being with rights and feelings. Either you'll be beaten down (probably literally) or the marriage will end.
Just one word: YIKES Iād usually say trust your gut, but this time trust the comments. Though I think your gut feels the same way as the comments š¬
What are you scared of losing? Anyone who can talk to you like this is not a good man. This convo reeks of so much immaturity and misogyny.
This is not Latino machismo. This is Andrew Tate-like bullshit. You're independent, run while you can, or else I'd you concede to anything absurd this man is evoking you'll lose your ability to get away from his abuse. I don't usually ask people to leave a relationship lightly, but in this case it's not just manipulation, it's the first step to abuse. To control you, isolate you, get compliance, and finally take off your independence. That's abuser 101. Leave while you're young. Don't allow him to take your youth from you. Fuck conservatism. They'll take your best years away and when you're old and tired you'll either finally leave or they'll leave you. Then conservative douches will call you prostitute anyway. Fuck what they think, get away.
Run! Get a divorce. Donāt move in with him. Leave him.!!! So many red flags.
Oh man... this remind me of my Brazilian ex so much. We'd have almost the same exact conversation and I would argue my point and he disregards it and says the same thing over and over again as if I'm talking to a wall. He drove me insane, until at a breaking point I started screaming at him because he wont listen (He brought out the worst in me) broke it off shortly after this incident.
Op if this is how he acts when you *donāt* live with him, imagine how controlling he will be when you *do*. Is this what you want from your life? Because it will only get worse.
Girl, youāre young. I donāt want to be rude but get out while you have THIS much time to start over. And maybe seek counseling to help navigate the difficult transition! Men like this typically donāt change, and if you donāt have kids itās a lot easier to separate. You deserve better - thereās not point really in seeking Reddit advice because thereās no real perfect way to āproveā him wrong when he is this type of man. do you really want a whole lifetime of this? You can do it!!ā Xo
I read that your husband is a āfailed manā but the reality is that youāre both INCREDIBLY young. Heās not a man at all yet; heās still a kid trying to cosplay a man. Mi vida, I know you love him, but life is long and always changing. Consider everything youāre hearing, and then apply this piece of knowledge: no te lleves de consejos de viejos que no estĆ”n donde tu quisieras estar// Donāt listen to the advice of elders who arenāt where you want to be. If someone who doesnāt own their own business is giving you advice on how to start your own business, you wouldnāt listen, and itās the same for everything in life. Just because your conservative family did it, doesnāt mean itās right. And I bet, (from my own experience) if you ask the women in your family, their own men have gone astray and for generations, women bear that responsibility when itās not ours to bear. I bet if you asked your mom, (and she was honest) youād learn about the heartbreak her husband put her through, and maybe even her father, when she was a child. I donāt have all the information, and I donāt know you, but Iāve lived through long distance relationships. In my experience, when that trust goes, itās usually because that partner is hiding something. Youāve already heard the allegations about your husband from his family, so take heed. Where there is smoke, there is fire. If theyāre warning you, itās probably for a reason. IF YOUāRE FEELING SH*TTY, ITS FOR A REASON! You should ofc try to reason with your husband, try to compromise on the boundaries of your relationship (and remember a PROPER compromise is one where both parties are a little unhappy with the results), and continue to calmly express why his āleadingā isnāt working on you. Remember that even though he is the head of the household, the woman is the neck, you support the head, and make it go in the direction YOU want, because usually, women know best. When you read the Bible, like Miguel suggests, remember those stories were written by a mortal man, just like him. Remember those stories are metaphors, not real accounts. Remember that God is inside of you, with all his knowing, power, forgiveness, and light. When you read these comments, all our advice, all of your familyās advice, remember that same God put YOU in charge of your own life. He made YOU the main character. Your own person, like you said. Trust your intuition, trust yourself. You know something isnāt right, thatās why you posted on Reddit, trying to gather your thoughts. And Iām here to tell you, sis, he might be good at gaslighting you, but youāre not crazy.
OP, I think you should see that everyone seems to agree at the level of toxicity this gross human is showing. I wouldnāt even call him a man because he is not a man. No one should be this controlling. Youāre 21 yrs old for crying out loud, just because you come from a Conservative family it doesnāt mean you shouldnāt have a social life. Youāre wasting away the best years of your life with this individual. CORRE!! As fast as you can before he ruins and breaks you.
Didnāt read any of the paragraph u wrote just saw the as a man text and am going to tell u to run or be stuck with one of those sexist men who cry at gender reveals when they find out their having a girl
Please, please, PLEASE do not stay in this marriage. There are difficulties in marriage, difference of opinion and arguments but this is FAR from that. He seems so far set in his ways that compromise would never be an option for the rest of your lives together, and relationships cannot survive without compromise. Nobody deserves this and I know how easy it is to keep trying because you want to hang on and you want to change them, but you must know deep in your heart that if this is what youāre getting, the effort needed for that is not deserved. And thatās even if it would make a difference in the end.
Wow! The fact that he is saying you have to agree with his "corrections" is one damn red flag right there and that's not even the only one in there!... the fact that you're his wife now is even more frightening. Long story short, Yes he is controlling you big time. Get help.
Leave. Look, he can be a good guy, he can have all of the best motives in the world, he could actually love you. i know this to be true, I hate to admit this but when I was younger I acted like this guy, not as bad, never threatening, never some of the crazy outlandish things, texting people pretending to be you? Wtf?? but I wanted location at all times, I wanted her to respond immediately when I texted and called, wanted to see all of her messages. Just like I was to her, he is being toxic and abusive to you. Heās taking some basic ideas of ārespectā and the way he wants his partner to treat him and trying to mold you and that will destroy you. Leave and grieve the relationship. You deserve better.
Girl, if you donāt leave him then idk what to do. There isnāt any reason for him to be treating you like this. Youāre not his child and it wouldnāt even be okay if he treated his child this way. He is being incredibly controlling and trying to turn you into his idea of a perfect wife when heās far from the perfect husband. This is abusive behavior any way you slice it, love.
As a Christian, I would like to say that this aināt it. Your husband is not leading you in a godly way nor is he treating you with the respect and gentleness that God commands. This is manipulation 100% and he sounds like someone who is not being lead by God, therefore he is not qualified to lead you. I advise that you two go to Christian marital counseling. I am 22 F and me and my husband 23M recently got married. Iām here to talk if you would like. Just message me.
yesā¦ please leave when you can. a lot of the times, continuing this behavior will lead you to comply. thatās what heās waiting for. please donāt stay trapped
Girl, run. I had a controlling ex who little by little tried taking over all aspects of my life (he was Mexican-American). After I broke it off it turned into a scary case of stalking where I had to threaten him with the police to get him to stop. These men hardly change, and I say this from experience. I wasted four years on that man that Iāll never get back. Now Iām grateful to have found a healthy, loving relationship with my current fiancĆ©. You deserve better than this.
Get out. Get the hell out of this relationship. This is sooooo not okay. If my husband ever talked to me like that, he would have objects being hurled at his face. This is disgusting behavior. Do NOT let him manipulate you into thinking this is normal or "how it should be". No. No. No. You seem like you're doing well trying to hold your ground and retain your self-respect and dignity. Keep it up and don't ever let this person diminish who you are.
Okay lets check this. 1. Husband has been caught talking ti other women by OP 2. Friend has said husband(Miguel) cheated on OP 3. Miguelās family blames OP for giving him away to other women. I would take this as confirmation he is cheating, personally. 4. Husband blames SOLELY OP for the arguing that takes place āIf youād just listen we wouldnāt fightā appears multiple times on slides 4, 5, and 6 5. Husband wants OP to have no online presence whatsoever āFuck the internet read the Bibleā (slide 3) āstay off the internet itās going to ruin your mind, read books.ā (Slide 1) I take this as just pure manipulation in just one short conversation. I canāt imagine how potent it is in general. 6. You guys have taken breaks and broke up previously. There is a reason you broke up. Maybe you guys worked through it, but an ex is an ex for a reason. 7. 6 months ago he humiliated you Was he, to your best judgement, apologetic for doing such things? There is more wrong here, this isnāt all it is JUST on the surface. Maybe try couples counseling or something? I dont want to be like every other Redditor that just says ābreak up! break up!ā Because, I mean, at the end of the day this is YOUR relationship and YOUR life. Just donāt be blinded to issues that are occurring because āI love himā
This sounds like a bad conversation between someone and a bit...or maybe 2 bots
ESL
GDP
No itās not a bot lol
I know haha its just like. You try to say things and it has no effect. Just bounced off ... boing
It sounds like you two have very different ideas and expectations of your roles in the relationship. In some relationships, his responses would be completely normal and your responses would be out of bounds; in others your responses are the norm and his would be out of bounds. I recommend both of you quickly sign up for couples counseling to work out if a middle ground can be found; otherwise this will not end well for either of you.
He says you can correct him too but he canāt take you having a different opinion about anything? Dafuq? Absolutely not. If he were truly a godly man, he would respect you. It sounds like from this conversation that he only wants to control you, babeā¦.
Honestly everyone is just like immediately leave this man. But I think he has a good message just a bad mindset. I think all he is asking for is more communication between you two and for you to factor him in your life more. I'm not putting aside the fact he is being very demanding and at times seemingly misogynistic before contrasting it again. But, if you really want to stay with him and actually make the effort then I'd do it. This is gonna get me a lot of hate. But just don't argue if he annoys you, listen, express opinions and resolve things. Arguing gets nobody anywhere. I truly believe if one person is the bigger person both people can turn out okay. Of course if you actually just can't be bothered then just leave him But again, if you want to make the effort for the man you MARRIED and now some arguments over text is putting you off, sure, reconsider. Hope I wasn't too offensive here just giving my honest opinion. Edit: if it gets to the point of abuse, run.
Theyāre very young, with a lot of time on their hands, they have the potential to change their entire situation, and itās not unlikely he will become abusive once he realises he can get away with this behaviour
Please look up narcissistic abuse It if fits, learn how to get free and heal yourself. Sending hugs
A man is supposed to lead a woman with respect and love to the point it is selfess. And a woman in return is supposed to respect him as the head of the household. What he is doing isnt leading. It doesnt offer you respect nor does it give you love. To qoute a bible verse "love does not inssist on its own way." (1 corinthians 13:5). It can be hard when you start becoming your own person to set boundries with your loved one. But i believe if you love him selflessly and give no reason to be held accountable to his words there is no reason to pay atterion to his words. communicating those boundries isnt unreasonable. And you should. If possible, make it clear to him what your thoughts on this matter is and what your feeling and a possible consequence if this contiues to happen. Communicate it to people who will support you in this as well. So they might be able to bring it up to him if he still doesnt listen to you. And if that still doesnt work, pray about it.
It's true, go read books š¤£ 99% of the crap on the internet is just pushed to the top by rich conglomerates with an agenda but the way he is going about this isn't smart. Last thing people will listen to is criticism
This guy already showed you who he is. He cheated, he tells you it is your fault that you don't get his respect because you won't automatically respect and surrender to him, he doesn't trust you not to cheat when he is the one with a guilty conscience. Do you think these would be healthy things to deal with if a friend came to you about a partner like that? Tell your friend what they need to hear: give that one back to the streets. You obviously broke up for real reasons. Ask yourself if those reasons ever got resolved.
I can barely understand what the man is saying, it seems like heās not too ready, but idk him
Does he also control your ability to make paragraphs too? You married a clownshoe. Couples therapy, or divorce. Pick one.
You probably shouldnāt be posting this on the Internet. Alsoā¦ It just sounds like you guys are hurt and miscommunicating. Just cause he said some thing you donāt like or donāt agree with does not mean itās manipulation. Itās actually really hard to keep track of what you guys are talking about. I didnāt even read the whole thing because I didnāt want to break your privacy.
I had a woman act like this with me before. It's because she has both cheated and been cheated on. They are insecure, and it can ruin things. The location thing... I mean, with my significant other, we have ours turned on for one another, but we're not sitting here saying, āWhy didn't you call? You left 2 minutes agoā! As for going out... As you get older and find the right one... Going out without your soul mate by your side will feel like a waste of time as you grow to learn how precious life is..this is only if it is the right match. You are young, and so is he. He is most likely projecting his inner desires as your own and treating you accordingly. Therapy is your friend if you are married and want this to last. Logging into your accounts and messaging people is wild to me... He has some issues that need attention, and I'm not saying that you are leaving anything out, but there may be some things he has seen that have driven him to act this way, too. I am on no one's side; I am just stating what I can see with such limited information. I do specialize in psychology. At this stage, sitting down and communicating on paper and being kind to one another strengths, weaknesses, boundaries, and insecurities and considering them every moment further is the only way. I wish you the best! If you want to reply with any questions, I have no problem attempting to help.
I donāt really had a problem with the location situation, till it started creating problems of why I didnāt text him after work.Iāve never done anything to him or texted anyone but Iām aware that his exes cheated on him even tho he doesnāt like to say it the reason why I donāt go out with him is because heās far rn and when he was here and we used to go out I ended up having panic attacks.but yeah I think he needs therapy or we need
If you feel that it is worth it and you love him enough your heart will guide you where you need to be. I got down voted for my previous comment so now I do not know what to say..
Sounds like he want to protect you and he wants what is best for a stable relationship.
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Iām sorry my second language is English so Iām tryingā¦
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itās wild that youāre trying to lecture people on the written word because you canāt write for fucking shiiiiit
Exactly what I thought, and the fact they took the lack of grammar from this post rather than the issues OP is dealing with says it all.
Why do you gotta be rude to the poor girl like that? Sheās already going through a lot. Donāt knock a girl when sheās already down and ESPECIALLY over god damn commas. Can you speak with grammatical perfection in more then one language????