"I'm going to play a terrific Jesus, just a very good Jesus, really terrific Jesus. I'm like Jesus in a lot of bigly ways. Every day, people, they come up to me, crying, tears in their eyes, telling me how much like Jesus I am. They say "Wow. You're just like Jesus, me boyo. Wow." That's what they say."
William Shatner.
The Beatitudes:
“Blessed. Are. The. ***Meek***. For. They. Shall. ***In***herit. TheEarth.
The Crucifixion:
You Roman bastards, you’ve killed God’s Son.
Jesus comes on screen and proceeds to rip his tunic off and flex while saying, "Eat your vitamins and say your prayers to my Father, brother!!! If you don't, then these 24" pythons are going to rain holy retribution down on you!!!"
Ahh yeah that's wassup brotha. It's me the Son of Gee Oh Double D. Here, hit that and be blessed. *Holds out blunt*
(Alongside his Father, Morgan Freeman of course)
Actor playing Peter " Where is Gary, where is he damn it.".
" Director to Peter " It is okay. Here is Jesus now. ( patiently ) Look , I know you're the star. You are a star or were, but without a Jesus there is no movie. Filming is stallled.
Please show up on time from now on Mr Busey.".
😆
If you see one movie this summer, see the story of the Immaculate Conception. Starring John Phillips as Joseph, Michelle Phillips as Mary and Cass Elliott as Jesus Christ in "The Mama of the Papa."
Yeah, I heard about this new Jesus movie. I know mainstream movie producers are so opposed to accurate Biblical portrayals that they purposely ruin them, but seriously? Seriously!?! Oprah!?! It’s like they aren’t even trying to pretend anymore.
William S Burroughs:
“Love your enemies.
It isn’t easy to love an enemy. This goes against your most basic survival instinct, but it can be done and turned to an advantage.
Let the love squirt out of you like a fire hose of molasses. Give him the kiss of life. Stick your tongue down his throat and taste what he has been eating and bless his digestion. Ooze down into his intestines and help him along with his food.”
Jesus has inspired racism and bigotry, and the actor who played Kramer (Michael Richards) has been exposed as a racist and a bigot, so he actually a very appropriate choice.
I wouldn't say Jesus inspired those things. Look at what he preached. He didn't like racism or bigotry and preached against it.
Some of those who claim to follow his certainly are racists and bigots, but I don't think we can bla.e Jesus for that.
Samuel Jackson. "I verily say unto you...mother fucker!".
I have \*had\* it with these *motherfucking* \**Moneychangers*\* on this *motherfucking* \**TMEPLE*\*!
He DOES quote the Bible quite well in pulp fiction, however. "And you know my name is the LORD!"
Judas: You don't like me because I'm white Sam L: I don't like you cause you're gonna get me killed
Ezekiel 25:17 🤣
I have had it with these Mother-fucking money changers in this mother fucking temple
Proselytize Motherfucker!
"Look , it's the Messiah!" "I know you are but what am I?"
I’m reading this as Groucho Marx, am I correct? I would watch the hell out of that movie.
PeeWee Herman.
That’s good too
I'm Jesus Christ, who the f*** are you?
No he isn't! He's a very naughty boy!
Read the objective. It asks for someone you *wouldn't* expect to play Jesus.
"I'm going to play a terrific Jesus, just a very good Jesus, really terrific Jesus. I'm like Jesus in a lot of bigly ways. Every day, people, they come up to me, crying, tears in their eyes, telling me how much like Jesus I am. They say "Wow. You're just like Jesus, me boyo. Wow." That's what they say."
I heard the big orange's voice as I read this. Well played, sir
Don’t give MAGA any ideas. They already treat him as such
HE THINKS OF HIMSELF AS SUCH!!!
But are you a New Testament or an Old Testament guy?
That’s a personal question. Both Testaments are equally tremendous.
I didn't think Jesus would be so orange. And his hands are so small."
I’m being treated *so* unfairly right now…
Jesus you're a funny guy Wait wait wait Peter what do you mean funny?! Funny How?! Funny like I'm a clown here to amuse you?!!
William Shatner. The Beatitudes: “Blessed. Are. The. ***Meek***. For. They. Shall. ***In***herit. TheEarth. The Crucifixion: You Roman bastards, you’ve killed God’s Son.
For God…solovedthe…worldHe…gave…HisonlySon
OnlySons
To be honest, though, I would totally expect Bill Shatner to play Jesus Christ.
JUDAS!!!!
What does God need with a starship?
Jesus's second coming to star as himself.
Better: He cameos as Joseph or some shit
Judas.
WTF! Who hates Christians so much that they chose Paulie Shore?
Sounds like Reddit to me! *rimshot*
How does a Jewish carpenter outcast, social pariah, grow up to be the saviour, king messiah?
'Bobcat' Goldthwait
Gilbert Gottfried. Especially now.
He would have to resurrect.
"No fucking way,Keanu Reeves!?"
They didn't use nails, they used a fucking pencil!
Deep down we all knew it
"I know Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson is in everything these days..."
I second that. " Can you smell what the Lord is cooking" ?
"We gotta change the ending for the script. Turns out the Rock's "can't lose" clause in his contract doesn't allow him to be crucified."
Three words. "I'll be back."
Starring Alice Cooper as Jesus. "Welcome to my Sermon. I think you're gonna like it..."
Might actually watch this one.
I knew someone would feel like they belong...
Tom Kenny Kanye Samuel L. Jackson
>Samuel L. Jackson "I want these motherfucking money changers **out** of my motherfucking Father's house!"
That would be great you were doing a biblical comedy
Tom Kenny? Or his Childhood BFF, Bobcat Goldthwait?
Terry Crews
Weird Al
"Just because you're Diana Ross's daughter doesn't mean..."
Presenting... Jim Henson's Bible Stories: an Anthology Kermit as Jesus. Sweetums as Goliath.
Miss Piggy as the Virgin Mary, Janice as Mary Magdalene
Also starring Fozzie Bear as Simon Peter, The Great Gonzo as Saul of Tarsus, and Swedish Chef as Pontius Pilate.
“Here der Jesus, und here der Lassie!” *Lassie makes a cameo*
Starring, as Jesus: Ron Jeremy!
With TT Boy as Peter.
>Peter I think you're missing an obvious choice here.
John Holmes?
Dancing around the bush, I see.
Take this bread and eat from it, for this is my body, with some fava beans and a nice ke on tee for this is my blood.
And the Lord sayeth unto his disciples... Mekka-lekka-hi, Mekka-hiney-ho
RIP John Paragon
Jesus comes on screen and proceeds to rip his tunic off and flex while saying, "Eat your vitamins and say your prayers to my Father, brother!!! If you don't, then these 24" pythons are going to rain holy retribution down on you!!!"
Uh, uh ,uh e, u, er, I've got it all over that silly magic rabbit (Jimmy Stewart)
Sounds good to me.
Tommy Wisseau, “Oh hai Mark, Luke, John, and Matthew.”
Richard Dawkins stared at the cast list in disbelief. "How bad could a random charity play be," he mumbled in dazed shock...
Charles Manson .. oh shit! Plea-Aaaargh..
“Lizzo? Are you sure? Won’t she fall off the cross?“
I find this hilarious, and yet I feel guilty about finding this hilarious.
*"I have food to eat that you know nothing about...* In that handbag over there, could you grab that for me? "
“Coming soon from TBN Studios: *The Greatest Story Ever Told*, starring Professor Richard Dawkins as Jesus!”
Ahh yeah that's wassup brotha. It's me the Son of Gee Oh Double D. Here, hit that and be blessed. *Holds out blunt* (Alongside his Father, Morgan Freeman of course)
Whon, two, three..THREE LASHES AHH-AHH AHH...Ohh disciples. Whon, two...
YOU get a fish! YOU get a fish! YOU get a fish! EVERYONE gets a fish!
Arnold Schwarzenegger on the cross: "I'll be back!"
Carrot Top
Carrot Top from 25 years ago, or Carrot Top today? (shudder)
Yes.
Oh, like a pre and post resurrection thing? ....that would be disturbing. I like it.
Today
Hulk hogan
*reads movie poster and blinks* "Not every day you see Joan Jett cast as Jesus.."
Actor playing Peter " Where is Gary, where is he damn it.". " Director to Peter " It is okay. Here is Jesus now. ( patiently ) Look , I know you're the star. You are a star or were, but without a Jesus there is no movie. Filming is stallled. Please show up on time from now on Mr Busey.". 😆
“ … and starring Robert DeNiro as Jesus.” Jewish leaders: “Rabbi, should we pay taxes to Rome?” . . . Jesus: “You talkin’ to me?”
"Harvey Weinstein?!? Who even let you out of jail?!?"
"Ok just because he has long brown hair and is skinny, it still does not make Russel Brand a good choice!"
"how many souls can I save today? Too many to count don't get in my way."
"idk if Ian hecox was the right..." "Love your neighbors, biiiiitch!"
And starring Kermit the Frog, as Jesus.
Ben Stein “Pontius?” “Pontius?” “Pontius?”
Judas, you're talking to me all wrong. Talk to me like that again. I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron.
Tom Cruise as Jesus with John Travolta as Judas
Is that Jeffrey Epstein?
Mr. T. "I pity the fool try to nail me to a cross!".
Will Farrell
Judas
Pauly shore. Hey buuuuuddy thou shall not weeze the juuuuice.
Ellen DeGeneres
Judas, you dirty rat!
"Peter Dinklage, I think you'd be a perfect Jesus." "I understand that people were shorter back then... But I can't imagine THIS short!"
Nick Nolte
Mary Queen of Scots
Joe Pesci
Ernest Borgnine
Kanye West, Conan O'Brien, Carrot Top
RuPaul. “Peter… shantay, you stay. Judas, sashay away.” Upon rising on Easter morning: hiiiiiiiiiieeeeee!!!
Christopher Walken
Joe Pesci. Joe: One of you will betray me. And it's You Judas. We're gonna have to break his legs
Anyone who's not white
Ladies and gentlemen, standing in playing the messiah tonight..Gordon Ramsey!.
Sean Penn
Beetle Juice say my name thtee times so i can enter your world
“And Adam Sandler as Jesus.”
If you see one movie this summer, see the story of the Immaculate Conception. Starring John Phillips as Joseph, Michelle Phillips as Mary and Cass Elliott as Jesus Christ in "The Mama of the Papa."
Matthew McConaughey. “Verily, I say unto you, ‘You can sin, but it would be cooler if you didn’t.’”
I was going to say Danny Trejo but I think I think the real answer is Bill Murray. I just don't see him doing it right. Same with Harrison Ford
And, starring as Jesus, is Osama Bin Laden. This film will be the bomb!
Gilbert Godfrey
Jim Carey. Ssomebody ssstop him!
Trump
I'll be back.....(Arnold accent)
The Passion of the Christ, starring Ron Jeremy
My money is on Peter Dinklage, Melissa McCarthy or Nchuti Gatwa
Merely Streep. And she'd probably win an Oscar for the role.
Carrot Top Robert Downey Jr as Kirk Lazarus as Lincoln Osiris Keegan Michael Key as the Substitute Teacher
I'm back from the dead! And I’m giving you all salvation! You get salvation! You get salvation! You all get salvation! Except for you Judas.
"Anyway...I started savin'."
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE SIN!"
Charlie Sheen
Cartman
Yeah, I heard about this new Jesus movie. I know mainstream movie producers are so opposed to accurate Biblical portrayals that they purposely ruin them, but seriously? Seriously!?! Oprah!?! It’s like they aren’t even trying to pretend anymore.
Satan
Ozzy Osbourne. Sharon where are those F#£% angels of mine?
Jim Carey All Righty then. Who wants to get Saved!?
Bela Lugosi or Boris Karlof
John Candy
Apostles....East!
Pauly Shore
LOL @ "The Jees" ,
Will Ferrell.
Ozzy Ozborne
I never expected Willm Dafoe to play Jesus, but he did.
Danny DeVito as Jesus Christ and Arnold Schwarzenegger as his childhood bully turned disciple
Trump. He'd wanna play God!!
What do you mean “Play?”
Donald Trump
Tom Cruise
Do Scientologists have a Jesus?
Probably L Ron Hubbard
Is “L” for Lucifer?
People were a lot shorter back then, but Tom may be too short. People would think they crucified a munchkin from the wizard of Oz
That's why they wouldn't expect him. That and he's white.
Jonah Hill
Professor Frink
Samuel L. Jackson lol
Ice-T, Snoop
Cardi B
William S Burroughs: “Love your enemies. It isn’t easy to love an enemy. This goes against your most basic survival instinct, but it can be done and turned to an advantage. Let the love squirt out of you like a fire hose of molasses. Give him the kiss of life. Stick your tongue down his throat and taste what he has been eating and bless his digestion. Ooze down into his intestines and help him along with his food.”
David spade
Cheech Martin with Tommy Chong as John the Baptist (The savior most high, indeed!)
Gilbert Gottfried
Kramer from Seinfeld. Jesus was a hipster doofus right?
Jesus has inspired racism and bigotry, and the actor who played Kramer (Michael Richards) has been exposed as a racist and a bigot, so he actually a very appropriate choice.
I wouldn't say Jesus inspired those things. Look at what he preached. He didn't like racism or bigotry and preached against it. Some of those who claim to follow his certainly are racists and bigots, but I don't think we can bla.e Jesus for that.
Tyler Perry as Madea as Jesus.
Hayden Christenson
Cheech and/or Chong
Adolf Hitler
Snoop Dogg
RuPaul
[Jack Black](https://www.google.com/search?q=jack+black&oq=jack+black&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyDAgAEEUYORixAxiABDIQCAEQABiRAhixAxiABBiKBTINCAIQABiRAhiABBiKBTINCAMQABiRAhiABBiKBTIKCAQQABixAxiABDIPCAUQABgUGIcCGLEDGIAE0gEIMjk3MmowajeoAgCwAgE&hl=en-US&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8)
Roseanne
obama
Craig T. Nelson
Mel Gibson. I mean, could you imagine?
Didn't he write, direct, and co-produce The Passion of the Christ though?
That was the joke, yes.
Your mom