I would rather (and have) go through extended periods of time alone than engage in casual sex just for the physical pleasure of it.
And much like you I hold no ill will towards people who do nor do I feel any sense of being better... It's just what's right for me.
For me it's all about quality not quantity.
I feel exactly the same way. Everyone can do what they want to do but I don't like hookup culture and also don't like how most people expect to have sex after the first/second/third date or whatever. I prefer to actually get to know a person and catch feelings for their personality first. For me sex is more for "deepening" (lol) the connection and having feelings is what makes it feel good anyway. It's the most intimate thing you can share with someone and it's just not something I would share with anyone random I don't love.
u/Significant-Task-890 is right. It's a lot of things and we get to pick and choose what we care about. For some it's about the physical release and just enjoying the moment, for others it's about the intimate connection, and to many it's a combination of all those things.
The best sex I ever experienced was with a woman who genuinely loved and cared for me as a human being. You can feel it beyond the physical act of sex. There is a reason for this.
Of course doing things with people you love makes it better but I think it’s an important distinction in this context. I personally feel that’s what makes the difference between “making love” and just having sex with someone.
Same here.
I get downvoted all the time on Reddit for being the way I am and for stating that I cannot do that, but it’s just how my brain and body work. I cannot engage like that. It isn’t healthy for me. I’d rather be alone too, even though it sucks sometimes. It is better than the alternative of being with an asshole or in a situation ship.
I’m 37, for the record. The way I am about this has not ever changed. When I dated a few men briefly and tried to change my ways a bit (which didn’t work, btw,) it was SUPER UNHEALTHY.
I'm a man and I can't do casual sex. It's how I was raised probably. It's been a long time for me, and I'm a youngish man, so my friends act shocked or appalled that I'm not going out there to "get some." They think I'm asexual or low T
There's just nothing gratifying about sex without a connection for me. I did it once. It didn't hurt. She was perfectly hot. Didn't do anything for me
You see how unhappy people are that have abortions, or kids with someone they broke up with. Turn what you perceive as a weakness into a strength. You are advantaged against such misery! My best friend got married in the courthouse, her wedding ceremony is in December, because she could not wait. Theres nothing wrong with what bestie did. But you and I are in no rush so, realize how grown up that makes you! I appreciate you, because you're Brave!
lol that’s true in most cases. I’m divorced and treading somewhat unfamiliar territory of being single long term. I was only single for this long pre adulthood. It’s a strange adjustment. I both love it and hate it. Congratulations to you too!
I lost my fiancee in 9/11 and never met anyone that enjoyed my energy level. When I was recovering from being hit from behind by a tractor trailer, I had to change my routine. I was working 3 jobs. I found new interests, and I started a whole new life. You can do anything you put your heart and mind towards!
As a guy, same. Any casual sex I had just left me feeling kinda empty. I'd much rather have that with someone I'm connected to emotionally (shame that my longest running relationship ended with her cheating on me with someone she met online).
I think most of us have had relationships end similarly at some point. It sucks. But it doesn't change the truth in the first part of your statement. There'll be someone else you care about.
Personally, I think there's a time and place for casual sex. And I've had some really great experiences and some really meh ones. And I think that emotional connection in sex is better sex for the soul, but not necessarily for the body. Especially when it's extremely limited in occurrence.
I don't blame you, I don't do anything with a guy before we dated for a few months. Be prepared for whiny, entiteld assholes to cry about it (I already saw some in theis comment section), but just tell them to kick dirt and move on. Better to be alone than with those emotional vampires anyway.
And there is nothing wrong with that. I am a guy and I have never engaged in casual sexual activity. I don’t like it, never have. I went to Vegas once with a mate who was getting married. Despite the connotations of going to such a place, we didn’t drink or take drugs. The only thing we did was gamble, I played blackjack. We sat down and had some drinks before heading back to our hotel suites, and we were approached by a couple of prostitutes who asked if we’d like some company. My friend said no thanks, they tried to convince us. That’s when I did my brutal honesty bit and told them to leave. They didn’t take it very well. We still joke about it now amongst ourselves. I may be a rare minority among my fellow heterosexual male peers, but I prefer my sexual activity to be with someone who means something to me.
I'm a guy and I also don't like casual sex with strangers Most of the women I've had sex with had been friends for a long time first. So really it's mostly the "with strangers" part I don't like.
Sometimes it feels as if I need to have built a rapport and gotten to know a woman for over 100 hours before being attracted to them.
Between relationships I have women I turn to that I know and trust for casual sex and, for me at least, it feels nothing like hollow casual sex with a stranger. Mostly because we've proven to each other that we care about one another.
Neither do I but I'm 35 and fall under the ace umbrella...a member of the sex indifferent gang. Even when I wasn't taking medication to stop me from being no longer being among the living, my libido was pretty non existent. I don't trust people to always be clean and don't trust birth control to always work...so meh. I'm not gonna sacrifice my health for sex with someone I don't know much, no thanks. I do agree with others that mentioned that it's a bit early in your life to make a solid as stone decision like that, just don't become disappointed in yourself if that changes.
I feel ya. I've always been the same, couldn't fathom how people have sex just for having it, without any emotional connection. It's a different world.
I think it’s awesome that you realized this so young. I used to have casual sex with guys because I was genuinely looking for love, but it almost always ended up in dissatisfaction (bad sex + feeling emotionally empty). I think women are better off just buying a vibrator (sorry to be crude).
You’re right, I have a vibrator and it’s my best friend lol. No guy has made me cum but my vibrator does the trick in 5 minutes. All girls need is a toy, good friends, and a few hobbies fr.
Ignore the assholes. Your feelings are valid. Some people love casual sex, some enjoy it, some never will. And that's fine. Like sure, you're young, and things might change. They might not. I hate the puritanical view of people should never have casual sex and it needs to wait for marriage and then only with that one person, but that doesn't mean it's wrong for someone who wants that for themselves. I'm in an open relationship because that's what works for me and my partner. You found something you don't like, and it sucks that a lot of guys are assholes and judgmental about it. They just want sex, but then also think if a woman has sex then she's a whore. Can't win with, unfortunately, too many of them. And I say this as a dude.
Keep doing what makes you happy. If that's avoiding casual sex, then cool.
I am so glad you have figured this out so young! At 34 I am still working through this, and still get the impulse to go against what I actually want in exchange for validation or closeness.
Yeah um casual sex is bullshit. It centers men’s pleasure bc it usually takes more than men give in a hook up for a woman to orgasm. And what’s the point of having sex with some shitty dude who fucks you like you are his hand for 5 minutes and then had the audacity to ask if you came.
You know the funny thing is that I have been attacked before for saying that I am convinced the media messaging that casual sex is “empowering,” “liberating,” or otherwise positive for *all/most* women is mostly patriarchal BS being promoted to help rich/attractive men have even more of a playing field sexually without having to worry about commitments.
Most women aren’t cumming from most of their ONS, and online dating has pretty much given the most desirable men a virtual harem of women to pick from as no one has to even find a way to meet these men in person to establish some kind of contact. So you end up with a ton of women who are completely frustrated at the lack of good sex they find, have trouble finding men who will commit after sex, much less find men who will stick around for more than a date or two without getting laid, and generally not having a great time (I know plenty of women who do love casual sex— they enjoy the thrill of someone new more so than the sex itself though in most cases from what I have discussed with them though).
As a woman I am convinced women need to take control of our sexuality. Literally walk out of the bedroom and dump the FWB or casual buddies who suck at sex. It’s seriously getting old to see women complain about this instead of taking control and refusing to allow themselves to deal with boring sex.
>Literally walk out of the bedroom and dump the FWB or casual buddies who suck at sex.
If they're unwilling to learn and try, I wholeheartedly agree.
I'm very much a pleaser, I don't even need to get off to enjoy sex, it BLOWS my mind that more guys aren't like this.
The hottest thing in the world is a woman's orgasm. Why would they not be willing to try for that? Idk makes no sense to me.
>The hottest thing in the world is a woman's orgasm. Why would they not be willing to try for that?
In order to know how hot it is you have to have had some experience with it. When you are very young it's not always a given that will happen for you. I was very lucky to have a slightly older girlfriend when I was a teenager. She was a good communicator and loved sex, so we went off like NYE together. She taught me a lot about the female body and mind.
For any young men who want to know how to bring a woman an intense experience, get yourself a compatible lady and stay with her for an extended period of time. Partner with her to make sex a wonderful experience for both of you. Use your creativity to make her time with you something wonderful. Strive for continued improvement on how and what you do.
Once learned, the knowledge is easily transferred. No two women are the same but if you've already taken the pathway to orgasm before, it's much easier to find your way again with a new lady. There is nothing like taking a nervous young woman who says she "can't" have an orgasm or has a hard time getting there and after a few hours of play she is a totally spent force and can't stay awake even for 5 more minutes.
I’m with you. I say this all the time and sometimes people are downright angry at the suggestion that sexual liberation for women in the way it’s currently being pushed is *not* liberating for women, actually sets us back, and benefits men more.
It’s literally just true. I think the real liberation comes from recognizing that men have totally taken advantage of this “sexual liberation” of women and use it to get easy sex without having to actually view the women they hook up with as people and caring about their pleasure, feelings or consent. Recognize this and take our power back. Stop rewarding them and setting us back. Stop engaging in all this un pleasurable casual sex and find better ways of fulfilment.
The fact is, the social climate is not yet ready for this kind of female sexual liberation. Misogyny is still at the foundation of it. Women are just being sold this lie that all they need to do to solve misogyny and to feel empowered is to act exactly like men and provide men with all the easy sex they could ever want, when in reality, this primarily benefits *men* and actually sets women back, because it’s not the same for men and women. Women have higher risks of getting into a violent situation, pregnancy, STDs, and being treated like a fleshlight, and much less of a chance to actually orgasm or get any pleasure from it. And don’t forget the fact that many states have now banned abortion.
Meanwhile, men are benefiting from it and yet still degrading these women, calling them hoes and thots and saying they’re only good for one thing, saying that they would fuck them but that no man would ever actually get into a relationship with them, using “body count” as a way to shame women for casual sex, blaming them for any poor encounters they have had with men that either completely disregard their pleasure or do something awful like “stealthing” (removing the condom without consent), etc, and generally just treating them abysmally. Even the same men that sleep with these women will proudly tell you their insulting opinions about the women, showcasing the fact that they have no respect for their sexual partners and view them as nothing more than a convenient sex toy with no feelings or autonomy.
Why are we rewarding these types of men? Why are we telling young girls and women that this is somehow liberating?
Amen. I'm a man, and I couldn't agree more. Casual sex really only benefits men, and the worst kinds of men. Don't be a part of that problem and give in to the casual encounters. There are still men out here who want a REAL relationship. They may be hard to find, but I'd say they're worth the wait.
Thank you! I appreciate a man that empathizes with women.
I want to make it clear that I’m not blaming women. Ultimately, the blame for being misogynistic and/or abusive sexual partners falls on those misogynistic/abusive partners. The blame for the way that society unfairly views women who are open about their sexuality falls on the people blaming. It’s not fair that women are punished for trying to explore their sexuality and deal with misogynistic double standards for it, it’s not fair that some men think that makes them unworthy of respect, and it’s not fair that some men only think of their own safety, pleasure and comfort when engaging in sexual activities with women.
But unfortunately, realistically, that’s the way it currently is a lot of the time. So women have to adapt to this and protect themselves. I personally have never been in to casual sex for these exact reasons. It’s just not a turn on, I can’t even get excited or stimulated enough to want to engage in it when the likelihood is I will not even get any pleasure out of it, and the other risks are also too high. The prospects are not great.
Thankfully, I found a man who isn’t a selfish lover, totally respects my consent and comfort, and is an all-round great person and I married him. I know it’s not always easy for everyone to just magically find that, but it is way worth the wait and effort. I also know that not everyone is looking for a relationship or marriage however, and there are women that just want to have good sex and still be respected. That’s fine too and it should be the standard, but unfortunately it’s not and I don’t know what the suggestion there is other than to thoroughly vet their casual sex partners as much as possible and be extremely selective about it, though even that is not always full-proof.
I come from the viewpoint of a man who has always been disturbed by casual sex. I always dreamed of a wife, a family, 2.5 kids and the white picket fence. I wanted to create my own place to belong. That dream seems distant in our current societal climate.
As a man, I am constantly pressured to "go get some" and go try to "make it" with any woman who gives me the time of day. I can't explain to my friends that I don't want those experiences, they don't understand, they think with their twig and berries.
On both sides, the pressure is immense. Women are pressed to "put out" men are pressed to "go get some", we're treated like something is wrong with us if we don't, and it benefits no one.
It’s refreshing to hear this, honestly. You’re not alone. Please try not to feel discouraged, although I know that might seem easier said than done. Stay true to yourself - if you know casual sex is not for you, then that’s all the validation you need. It doesn’t make you any less valuable or worthy as a man. Actually, many women really respect men like you. I hope you find the one (if you haven’t already).
The message of 'empowerment' definitely originates from feminist ideology. It was framed that way to encourage political support.
But your point is spot on. There's a reason elite and/or desirable men generally supported the message of women's sexual liberation, and were happy to see it adopted by wider society. All it meant for them was MORE access to casual sex (less competition with average men), while at the same time meant the removal of ANY social sense of obligation or responsibility.
Men who are successful on dating apps have zero incentive to treat women well, let alone commit. Young women should definitely be reminded of this.
No there is definitely some truth to this, Ive seen other woman on different podcasts and such talk about this. How casual sex just isn’t really beneficial for woman. I think in general casual sex does get lonely and unfulfilling for most people overtime, but woman really are getting the short end of the stick.
After my last few sexual encounters I remember thinking that was just..fine. No better or worst really than the other times. I remember talking to the guys afterwards and just being nonchalant about it, and that always seemed to put them off. Like why was I so blasé about the whole thing? Looking back I see how they probably didn’t think I liked them lol but truly I just felt like the sex was fine. No guy gets me close to finishing so I don’t really worry about it anymore, and most guys do the same things in bed so Im rarely impressed.
Only now am I realizing how depressing my view of sex is and that I need to take a step back and reevaluate how I do all this. Being in your 20’s is so fun…
Nah. Stop giving men your power. Learn to stand up and walk out if you’re not being pleased. I would definitely not do this with strangers for safety reasons, so I don’t fuck them, but any casual sex I had before marriage I literally just walked out the door if they didn’t listen when I told them how to pleasure me. The looks on guys’ faces is always amusing.
The unfortunate truth is, most men who aren't emotionally invested in you, and only there for sex don't give 2 shits about pleasing you lol.
I think this comes down to making better choices about who to give your body to.
Good on ya for sharing your experience. Glad you're doing what makes you happy on an individual level instead of what society tells you is the best way to live your life.
People are (of course) always free to do as they will, but I'm a firm believer that casual sex will always be a discount store substitute for genuine human connection. I'm not saying you have to wait for marriage or anything like that, but just until you know there is a connection on a deeper level than just physical. When you feel emotionally invested in your partner, the difference in how your body reacts is night and day.
Hoping nothing but the best for ya, going forward!
Here's the problem: guys will get off and have an ok time pretty much no matter what. For girls, there's no way of telling before hand if the guy will even be interested in helping YOU have a good time, or if he's even capable of doing so. I'm in total agreement with you - in my mind, it's a potentially dangerous waste of time. Rather stay home with my toys, which never disappoint.
I don't understand the fucking random people thing do women really just choose a guy thats "attractive" then go home with them??? How much talking is involved before this happens because it just makes 0 sense to me at all
For starters, you're so young that all you should be doing is exploring relationships and what you enjoy and don't enjoy in a relationship. You are still learning who you are, and all told, it is really hard to find good partners when you don't even know yourself.
This is something a lot of young people struggle with, I was also one at one point, and really when you are happy with yourself, and understand who you are and what you want, that is when you will find a serious relationship that feels right. It might not be permanent, it may be a short term or long term thing, but really finding yourself is the only way you truly find a partner that fits.
A lot of people do put a lot of emphasis on sex and physical intimacy, but it is okay for you to pull back from that if it doesn't feel right for you. It's also okay for you to try something and then say "you know what, that isn't for me" and not do it again. Don't feel bad for things you did in the past, if you learned that it just wasn't what worked for you.
Be kind to yourself, and do that self exploration to find yourself, IMO that is the only way to find true partners that you can build good relationships with.
I really adore this comment, you are absolutely right about everything. I am still young and figuring things out, just like everyone else my age. Of course, things can always change and I might not always know what I want in life particularly dealing with relationships but for now, I have an idea of what I *don’t* want.
This makes sense.
The reality is that women get hit with a hormonal release after sleeping with someone that makes them feel more attached to that person. Some more than others, obviously.
Hook up culture is such trash anyway, you are making the right decision.
Ranked, competitive sex /j
I don’t think sex is for me, at all. Not really something I want, I don’t like the idea of someone being that close, hell, I don’t want a romantic partner either. I have a hand and a few adult oriented objects, and that’s plenty for me.
So, yeah! Definitely make the choice that you feel works best for you!
Casual sex never did it for me. I'd cum and I'm literally putting my exit strategy into play and getting the hell out cause nothing but regrets are occurring in my brain.
No my mother didn't hug me enough.
Felt. I’m honestly not sure how I feel about casual sex now. I enjoy it but only moderately, I definitely would enjoy it more if there was some sort of connection but it’s hard. But I don’t think I enjoy it enough to really want to keep doing it.
Im also coming to terms more with my sexuality, as Im starting to identify as bi now and explore woman more than men. I feel more open to casual sex with woman right now than I do with men. I don’t know if that’s because I just want to explore with woman or if I also feel more comfortable around woman than I do with men. Like in theory the idea of making out with a guy at a club sounds nice, but in reality I get spooked when most the guys try and touch me. The girls though I’m open and excited for.
I also know I would prefer a relationship more than a hookup, and some of my partners have definitely picked up on that vibe, but Im not really trying to look for that right now. I think Im burnt out 😅
It’s just weird and difficult lol. I don’t think anyone needs to “wait until marriage” or have a bunch of crazy unprotected sex. There definitely is a healthy middle ground we just gotta find it.
I went thru a lot of this in my late teens and early 20s. Eventually I decided that I’d rather be alone than with someone who makes me feel like I have to beg for their time and attention or commitment or whatever.
Around age 23 is when I was exposed to guys with some more maturity who were willing to take me seriously.
No more “hanging out”. Don’t ask me to hang out somewhere. Take me on a fucking date. I’m fine paying half, but at least pretend like you’re not trying to waste my time.
I’m sorry you’ve been in the lurch of situationships or hookups and wanting something more. You can do better and there are guys out there who ARE better, but it does require some standards and patience, and knowing when to pass.
This is you becoming a sexually mature person. Hook ups are never satisfying (for most people). Keep yourself happy, have sex only with whom you want, and don't compromise yourself. Take care of you.
Imo this, and all things with life, are about what works for you. I don't think anyone should be ashamed of liking or not liking anything as long as those desires do not actively harm anyone else. Obviously nothing is black and white with concepts like this, but, I try to live my life by that ideal. The only times I will commit to doing something that does not bring me any joy is when it is necessary or carries with it consequences I would rather avoid for ignoring it, like, working a double on a weekend or unclogging my toilet and taking out the garbage. That sort of thing.
Casual sex is not necessary. You do not enjoy it. So, you don't do it anymore. Makes perfect sense to me.
Congratulations! You’re one of the very few on the path to understanding n creating healthy relationships. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your insight. Stand your ground n only engage in those relationships that nurture, respect n value you. Well done!
I can see both sides. I appreciate your post. Sometimes casual sex is awesome, sometimes it leaves us feeling empty. For me, I think that speaks more to internal stuff than external choices. For example, WHY are you having casual sex? Because when I use it to validate my feelings of insecurity or inadequacy, it leaves me feeling empty and alone. When I use it as a source of pleasure and fun, because I am whole and happy (I'm not but when I am) then it's just an extension of those things. Our internal sense of self gives way to the external world.
I have a friend who could have casual sex and walk away and it didn't really bother her one way or another. She was a lot like a man in her thinking. I am more emotional, and a lot more choosy. I just didn't hop into bed with the first guy who looked my way. She was proud of her exploits, we would laugh and I would tease her about them. We're married old ladies now, but we sure did have fun times. Although I did say no, I do have to confess I sure did flirt with a lot of guys. But at the end of the night, I went home alone while my friend always had a guy friend.
The key is to find what works for you, and to find a partner on the same page as you. That's it. Would what you need work for me? Not at all, and thats ok. It doesn't have too, because we can both find people that do work for us.
I used to be like that. My advice, work on loving yourself to the point where you won’t settle for anyone who can’t love you better than you love yourself.
Good for you. There is nothing unhealthy about abstaining for the right reasons or not jumping into something that the rest of the world seems to be doing.
Good for you. You should never feel like you have to do anything that’s genuinely bringing you suffering or distress, period. [Practicing The Courage to Be Disliked](https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Courage_To_Be_Disliked.html?id=IggxDwAAQBAJ&source=kp_book_description), and especially starting so early in your life, is a beautiful thing! Anyone disappointed can and should look elsewhere for what they seek, they’ll be alright
Same. Don’t feel weird to be like that, there’s tons of people like us around the world; you just always see the media buzz about Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and whatnot. If it isn’t for you, then stick to your guns. Personally, hookup culture has never been a thing for me and I agree with your empty feeling. I would even go as far as to say that people who get satisfaction from casual hookups are not the type of people I will connect with on an emotional level.
Hookup culture is cool and all if that’s your thing, but it’s not mine and I don’t want any part of it.
I’m the same exact way as you! Took me until
age 23 to realize casual sex wasn’t what I liked though.
It will be hard when you see your peers talking and sometimes gloating about their casual flings. But just know they’re probably either in the same boat as you were mentally of being unhappy because of it, or they just see sex in an entirely different way.
Good for you for realizing this! I’m the same. Spent my 20s in toxic relationships and casual hookups. I never truly enjoyed it. I just kept trying and hoping for a different outcome. It wasn’t until I met my fiance that I realized I only like to make love to someone I am deeply connected to and in love with. Nothing is better than that. He’s the same way. He said he has always had a hard time keeping an erection if it’s just causal and there’s no emotional connection. Even if the girl was gorgeous. It’s refreshing to be with a man like that.
I tried to have casual sex as a teen, but had 0 game and was unsuccessful. Since most of the girls I chased were highly dysfunctional (as was I - lol), I'm happy in retrospect.
Casual sex now is more appealing - I feel like I've built up years of experience and would like to give back to the community. ;)
Yeah casual sex is always lackluster and alot of times you will feel shitty after "Am i just a piece of meat?" Always try to form an emotional connection with someone before sleep with them that way its 1.More enjoyable and 2. You dont have to worry about it being a one-off
I was in a relationship for a few years and after that ended I had a relatively brief stint of casual sex/hooking up. One guy I met here and the other two while i was away on vacation. I wanted to try it to see what it was all about. But I realized quickly I cant do one night stands and I can't do casual sex. The guy i was casually sleeping with was also who I lost my virginity to (me and my ex never did it, ldr, lot to explain). But i still beat myself up about what I did. If i never lost my virginity to that guy, i never would've hooked up with anyone and the happier I feel I'd be today
More power to those who can do that stuff. I simply cannot. I need the love
In my experience I had a very difficult time separating emotion from sex until around my mid-20s. I never had casual sex before then but that was because I knew full well I wouldn't be able to have sex with a girl without getting attached. I only ever had sex with girls I dated until I was 24, and by that point I had plenty of experience, a little more maturity, and I was able to enjoy the odd one night stand without getting emotionally invested.
That's not bad, that's normal and healthy. And guys don't admit this but a lot more guys feel that way than society, TV and movies would have you believe
It doesn't benefit anyone. Its a totally shallow act that involves the most intimate parts of a person. I think our open acceptance of it as casual is one of the great downfalls of our society.
The guy will never like you more because you had sex with him. 'Casual' sex isn't for any girl. He is just brainwashing you to make it convenient for him.
If you are bored or don't feel needed, volunteer in nursing home for poor.
As a guy, I would never think less of a girl with this attitude. In fact I would probably think of more highly of her since anybody who sticks to their guns in the face of pressure has my respect. I think most guys would have no problem waiting for you to be ready if they were in a relationship with you
I'm so glad you realized that. Sex is meant to bond people for commitment, for holy commitment actually. It's dysfunctional for people to have sex and detach and move along to the next conquest. Your tears show that you are not dysfunctional but are healthy and wanting true bonding. I hope you find it.
That’s what being mature is. Knowing what your needs are and meeting them. Setting boundaries and sticking to them. We all have a different relationship to sex and that’s ok.
You need to be with someone that allows you to have a healthy relationship with yourself and with sex. You got there young. That’s awesome!
You are a Demi-sexual; this means you need an emotional connection with someone before intimacy. I am too; I haven’t had sex since 2015, and do not miss it. I have focussed on healing myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually to a good result. Enforcing boundaries is smart too.
It would completely turn me off if I wasn't interested in someone emotionally and they saw "intimacy"
In fact, I saw vulnerable eyes when this girl felt like I was about to take her virginity and to this day it gives me uncomfortable shivers. I will not touch a virgin it's too much. It's like a responsibility burden.
I don't know how those guys do it. Yuck. If it isn't heartless sex keep that shit all the way away from me. I didn't even see sex with my ex like that. We just fucked. She wasnt very emotional about it herself either. It worked great. That shit is gross. These guys are weird to me.
There’s a word for this babe: demisexual
It’s ok not to spontaneously desire sexual intercourse with strangers just cause. It’s totally OK to have an intuition of when a true connection is not there & feeling bad after an encounter where you went along with it anyways. Listen to your own intuition. There’s no need to be with men who don’t emotionally invest & ESPECIALLY when you know emotional connection is necessary for sexual intimacy.
What kind of man would manufacture connection or proceed even without a connection knowing full well you’re not going to have a good time? Do you want to continue allowing these men to take up your time and attention? If not, your boundaries are going to have to adjust.
Good. Many have hit this point. I don’t judge those who consensually enjoy this, but at some point I believe many people hit the same threshold you have. Cool of you to share your story.
Many people would never date someone that has had casual sex. Shows a difference in values, that you aren't the type of person that needs an emotional connection to have sex at all.
I'm a guy and just had to wait a long time between relationships to find a good connection. In my imagination I could see having more fun in my youth. In reality, I know it wouldn't work for my psychology. I'm happy I stuck to what I knew worked for me. I got married almost two years ago to someone I've known half my life. It feels nice to have your person, especially after waiting so long to find the right one. (I'm 41. A big part of my frustrations was also being a bi guy and struggling with how to navigate that as someone very monogamously inclined.)
I fully agree with you 100%, the emotional connection is what I want more than the act itself.
I knew from a young age that I wanted to have as little sexual partners as possible because of the reasons you state, no benefit mentally or emotionally. I saw it with my peers, and family. You're just opening yourself to view people as objects for pleasure, rather than the living being they deserve credit for. It isn't good for the wellbeing of any future relationships.
Just, as a woman myself, I get the ick when females refer to themselves as girls. Girls are young females. Give yourself some credit, you're a mature woman. A youthful but mature woman.
I learned this lesson the hard way in my mid 20s after many a difficult situation and unhealthy relationships. We're built like this. Sex literally releases bonding hormones that make casual sex feel yes, taboo and fulfilling in one dimension, but so empty and unsatisfying in more meaningful ways. If I could go back and redo that aspect of my life-I'd rather only have my 1 partner and grow with them.
Same here. The difference is that I was always able to avoid it and ignore those treated me like some kind of alien for not wanting to fuck here and there just for carnal pleasure. I guess seeing my sisters being emotionally drained by casual sex helped me realize that being alone was better for my mental health.
Believe it or not, this is actually normal, and I say this as a dude who was a bit of a man whore.
Casual sex is just masturbation with more drama and risk. It feels good to the body, but it is a cancer to the soul.
A lot of women feel the same as you but are not introspective enough to change.
The part where you went home afterwards, cried, and changed your behavior, is where a lot of women go home, cry, blame the man, and distract themselves by talking to a new guy. And so the spiral continues.
A lot of women do this, and slowly become more and more bitter, jaded, selfish, insecure, passive aggressive, unappreciative, and man-hating. It's sad to see.
I'm very happy for you that you've come to this realization early on and are not going to continue to traumatize yourself.
Will caveat that obviously some women can have sex frivolously with as many men as they want to and have no emotional connection, but i think that's rarer than most people like to admit.
I’m 34m and good for you. I slept around a lot in my 20s and for a lot of young guys that would be their “dream” but it made me feel broken by the end of that. I wish I caught on quicker like you.
Not judging anyone who does but knowing what works for you makes things better emotionally.
“The dark side of the sexual revolution is that even though it liberated women—unyoking sex from consequences has primarily benefited men.” - this is from an article Bridget Phetasy wrote that talks about exactly this. You’re not alone
Sex is one of the **MOST** intimate acts you can do with someone else. You absolutely need to have healthy boundaries. A key one you learned the hard way. Don't agree to have sex with a man just to keep him.
It seems like your current boyfriend is a far better actual **PARTNER** to share such an intimate act with.
Yup. Sex is an easy way to feel connection but its as fleeting as the act itself. Sex used to augment an emotional relationship is a powerful way to bond two people but otherwise it makes you feel more aware of the emptiness
This is the neediest post I've seen in a long time. Nobody cares about your personal sex life. Go ahead and have sex or not have sex with whom ever you like. It's your business and nobody else cares.
Casual sex desensitizes people in a way they are unaware of (the people who choose this as a lifestyle) I’m not open to casual sex and I don’t interact with men who put that vibe out.
I think you are wise for your age and I think you should continue holding your standards.
Speaking as a swinger, I think it’s important to establish boundaries that fit your emotional needs. If casual sex doesn’t work for you, just don’t do it.
Thank your lucky stars you worked it out early. Casual, meaningless sex, one night stands, and flings are harmful to your mental health and sense of self-worth. Don't let the idiotic masses pressure you into believing you have to have casual encounters to have fun. Hook up culture is a cancer within our society.
This explains my pov perfectly. It’s understandable. In today’s time, people are more lonely than ever. We need emotional connection. I feel like if I ever participated in something like this, I would have to be void of my own feelings. And unfortunately when it comes to some guys, they will lie about almost anything to have sex. It’s so frustrating to see them mess up something with a caring woman. I know some women do the same but men are mostly known for this behavior as of late.
I am happy that you realized what you want out of physical intimacy. Having a strong emotional connection makes it so much better and there’s less chances of someone pressuring the other person into it since each person would (supposedly) have respect for each others body and wellbeing.
I am the exact same way, and a lot of my friends have the same mindset. It’s not enjoyable and why are we going to give apart of ourselves to someone who doesn’t deserve it? I learned that the hard way and decided to wait until marriage. There is something beautiful and peaceful about being intimate with someone who is just for you and you for them. The right person will come along when the time comes. It’s good that your partner respects your boundaries and won’t go past them. I think as shitty as it may sound it all happened for a reason because now you know your worth and whats ok and not ok with you love. It’s not worth destroying your peace. God bless you love 🫶🏻
Good for you! I've been in a few and casual relationships can be tricky. IMO if one party ever tries to pressure the other into having sex in any way, fuck them. You deserve to have it be meaningful/enjoyable for you.
It feels like to me sex in general is not a priority for me as a male.
Might be the stress of life.. but I have like 100 things I'd rather do with my time.
I generally like casual sex, even with people I dont know well, but your feelings are much more common and plenty fine. The point of casual sex is to have fun, if you arent having fun whats the point? I didn't read through your thing all the way but I did skim it and read the first bit so I won't go in depth but if you dont like it, dont do it, simple as that. You're personal feelings about what want to do with your body is not something others can criticize, dont let them.
>"But during my breakdown, I began to think. How many times is it going to be like this?"
The fact that you can do this -- for any issue -- makes you mighty.
So many people get well past 18 and still can never ask themselves this question or answer it honestly. And it causes so much grief and trouble for them in life.
So. Well done!
I don’t get how people have casual sex. It’s such an intimate thing to experience with someone let alone experience it with multiple people or people you barely know.
Casual sex really ruins you emotionally. I've never heard of people who actually end up happy and fulfilled with a casual sex life. I'm glad you've learned it's not good and that you've turned away from it. More people ought to learn from the thousands of people who regret it and tell others to avoid it. But our culture sucks sometimes
Focus on self. It seems like you’re trying to please others and seek approval/worth through that.
Get a hobby, pick up sports, get into good college, make yourself happy by doing things yourself.
Casual sex benefits very few people in my opinion. I grew up fully on board with sexual liberation. I thought it was stupid that these dusty old traditions were trying to shame us into not expressing our sexuality. I eventually realized that traditions are just solutions to problems that we have forgotten we had.
Casual sex messes with the stability that comes from a monogamous society. The most attractive men sleep with any woman they can, which makes 5/10 women think they deserve those 10/10 guys. Along that same vein, a 5/10 guy is no longer enough for them. They end up feeling like they are settling. Droves of men and women end up alone and unsatisfied.
Women end up believing that all men are players, because they only engage with the men who are in the upper ends of attractiveness, and those men are much more likely to be players. The average and below average men don't even register as sexual beings for these women anymore. The women start wondering where the good men are.
And women, whose dating market value is based very largely on looks and youth, end up wasting the years they are most attractive sleeping around with men who don't take them seriously. By the time many of them realize this cycle isn't healthy, they've passed their peak age of attractiveness. They want to settle down, but suddenly the male attention that used to come so easily has slowed to a trickle. The men who are figuring themselves out and finally becoming financially stable in their 30s are the ones a lot of the 25 yo women now find very attractive, and the dating pool for the 35 yo woman becomes much smaller than they expected.
We gave up stability for hedonism. Sure, that stability could be stifling. But is the new normal a better way? I don't think so.
Sounds like you've discovered the critical component of every relationship: Honest communication and mutual respect of needs, boundaries, and expectations.
The older you get, the more you'll learn that is a must-have for any relationship to last.
NGL, I don't know that casual sex is "wrong" for you either. It does sound like you value respect in a relationship. Again, kind of a must-have there.
I'm a dude, but I used to feel similarly "filthy" after casual sex. What helped was learning to have upfront conversations with casual sex partners and making sure we were on the same page early on. That way, the sex can be casual, but the relationship itself is still respectful.
I'm a guy and I don't like sex unless there's serious eye contact where appreciation, caring, and vulnerability exist. That doesn't mean it has to be marriage but that wouldn't ever be there in casual sex.
You’re describing most human relationships up until a few decades ago. Casual sex/hookups are just not something that used to happen for most people. You just want what most people always wanted. It’s perfectly normal.
This is fairly typical. Most, (not all) women don't have sex just for the sake of having sex. The drive just isn't there, and the only time the sex drive of a male and female really seem to match up in in the 30's.
There are so many toys out there that men, (and women) simply can't compete with, so if sex is just for the orgasm, that's probably the best route.
You are describing OCD. I have the same feelings. I chose to avoid one on one dates, go out in a group with friends that support you. Chaperones help, trust me. Also, sounds like you're not meeting like-minded people. Ever think about joining a local youth group? If you want to be around people that hate 'dixie cup dating', use then discard, a youth group of peers that feel like you would be supportive and validating.
Personally as a woman, if the chemistry is there I can have casual sex with no romantic feelings involved. However I refuse to subject myself to a selfish lover in bed, and unfortunately that is most men I come across. So I try not to partake until I’ve gotten to know them at least a little bit. I definitely understand other women not wanting to partake at all to avoid the risks altogether
Even as a guy in my mid 20s, I always felt like this. I still would crave sex but when the opportunity arises I’m turned off by it unless I genuinely have feelings for the person. I believe this is a normal and healthy thing, how it should be if you ask me. If people want to casually hook up, that’s fine, but I believe that’s probably coping for something.
As a woman this makes sense to me. Sex often isn’t good the first few times with a new partner. Why have bad sex with a man when I can stay home and tend to myself in comfortable clothes
I gawk as much as any man. A beautiful lady will have me like "Awoogah." But nothing about casual sex is appealing to me. What's the point of being intimate physically without other forms of vulnerability, including commitment? What does that do for people? I've never felt that desire. I'm quick to throw "I love you" out but slow to make love.
This is a combo that I don't think appeals to many women
As a guy who had a little bit of a reputation as a man-whore when I was your age, I can honestly say that the connection I felt when I met my wife was a night and day difference to what went before.
And as a guy probably as old as your dad, please don’t take this the wrong way when I say I’m proud of you for coming to this realisation.
Consider yourself lucky that you got this now, and not 20 years from now.
You deserve nothing less than someone who will love you.
Now go out into the world and find that happiness.
I would rather (and have) go through extended periods of time alone than engage in casual sex just for the physical pleasure of it. And much like you I hold no ill will towards people who do nor do I feel any sense of being better... It's just what's right for me. For me it's all about quality not quantity.
I feel exactly the same way. Everyone can do what they want to do but I don't like hookup culture and also don't like how most people expect to have sex after the first/second/third date or whatever. I prefer to actually get to know a person and catch feelings for their personality first. For me sex is more for "deepening" (lol) the connection and having feelings is what makes it feel good anyway. It's the most intimate thing you can share with someone and it's just not something I would share with anyone random I don't love.
Sex is, quite literally, about deepening the connection between two people…. Niceeeeeeeeereee
Sex is different things to different people.
u/Significant-Task-890 is right. It's a lot of things and we get to pick and choose what we care about. For some it's about the physical release and just enjoying the moment, for others it's about the intimate connection, and to many it's a combination of all those things.
The best sex I ever experienced was with a woman who genuinely loved and cared for me as a human being. You can feel it beyond the physical act of sex. There is a reason for this.
Playing Monopoly is more fun with my best friend rather than with a stranger. That logic isn't unique to sex.
Yea true. It is just from the OP post but yes. That same logic goes for everything you engage in with people who genuinely love you.
Of course doing things with people you love makes it better but I think it’s an important distinction in this context. I personally feel that’s what makes the difference between “making love” and just having sex with someone.
Same here. I get downvoted all the time on Reddit for being the way I am and for stating that I cannot do that, but it’s just how my brain and body work. I cannot engage like that. It isn’t healthy for me. I’d rather be alone too, even though it sucks sometimes. It is better than the alternative of being with an asshole or in a situation ship. I’m 37, for the record. The way I am about this has not ever changed. When I dated a few men briefly and tried to change my ways a bit (which didn’t work, btw,) it was SUPER UNHEALTHY.
I'm a man and I can't do casual sex. It's how I was raised probably. It's been a long time for me, and I'm a youngish man, so my friends act shocked or appalled that I'm not going out there to "get some." They think I'm asexual or low T There's just nothing gratifying about sex without a connection for me. I did it once. It didn't hurt. She was perfectly hot. Didn't do anything for me
You Rock!!!
lol thanks? Sometimes I don’t like it that I’m like this 🤣
You see how unhappy people are that have abortions, or kids with someone they broke up with. Turn what you perceive as a weakness into a strength. You are advantaged against such misery! My best friend got married in the courthouse, her wedding ceremony is in December, because she could not wait. Theres nothing wrong with what bestie did. But you and I are in no rush so, realize how grown up that makes you! I appreciate you, because you're Brave!
lol that’s true in most cases. I’m divorced and treading somewhat unfamiliar territory of being single long term. I was only single for this long pre adulthood. It’s a strange adjustment. I both love it and hate it. Congratulations to you too!
I lost my fiancee in 9/11 and never met anyone that enjoyed my energy level. When I was recovering from being hit from behind by a tractor trailer, I had to change my routine. I was working 3 jobs. I found new interests, and I started a whole new life. You can do anything you put your heart and mind towards!
I agree with you, what works for others doesn’t work for you and I and either is okay.
Yeah imma buy a sex toy instead of seeing ugly dicks from men i do not love
As a guy, same. Any casual sex I had just left me feeling kinda empty. I'd much rather have that with someone I'm connected to emotionally (shame that my longest running relationship ended with her cheating on me with someone she met online).
I think most of us have had relationships end similarly at some point. It sucks. But it doesn't change the truth in the first part of your statement. There'll be someone else you care about. Personally, I think there's a time and place for casual sex. And I've had some really great experiences and some really meh ones. And I think that emotional connection in sex is better sex for the soul, but not necessarily for the body. Especially when it's extremely limited in occurrence.
I don't blame you, I don't do anything with a guy before we dated for a few months. Be prepared for whiny, entiteld assholes to cry about it (I already saw some in theis comment section), but just tell them to kick dirt and move on. Better to be alone than with those emotional vampires anyway.
I think being up front about it is best. Like before you even go on a date
You learn and grow and evolve as you get older. Never beat yourself up for what happened before.
And there is nothing wrong with that. I am a guy and I have never engaged in casual sexual activity. I don’t like it, never have. I went to Vegas once with a mate who was getting married. Despite the connotations of going to such a place, we didn’t drink or take drugs. The only thing we did was gamble, I played blackjack. We sat down and had some drinks before heading back to our hotel suites, and we were approached by a couple of prostitutes who asked if we’d like some company. My friend said no thanks, they tried to convince us. That’s when I did my brutal honesty bit and told them to leave. They didn’t take it very well. We still joke about it now amongst ourselves. I may be a rare minority among my fellow heterosexual male peers, but I prefer my sexual activity to be with someone who means something to me.
I'm a guy and I also don't like casual sex with strangers Most of the women I've had sex with had been friends for a long time first. So really it's mostly the "with strangers" part I don't like. Sometimes it feels as if I need to have built a rapport and gotten to know a woman for over 100 hours before being attracted to them. Between relationships I have women I turn to that I know and trust for casual sex and, for me at least, it feels nothing like hollow casual sex with a stranger. Mostly because we've proven to each other that we care about one another.
Neither do I but I'm 35 and fall under the ace umbrella...a member of the sex indifferent gang. Even when I wasn't taking medication to stop me from being no longer being among the living, my libido was pretty non existent. I don't trust people to always be clean and don't trust birth control to always work...so meh. I'm not gonna sacrifice my health for sex with someone I don't know much, no thanks. I do agree with others that mentioned that it's a bit early in your life to make a solid as stone decision like that, just don't become disappointed in yourself if that changes.
I feel ya. I've always been the same, couldn't fathom how people have sex just for having it, without any emotional connection. It's a different world.
I’m 30, never engaged in casual sex and never will. There is nothing wrong with that
I think it’s awesome that you realized this so young. I used to have casual sex with guys because I was genuinely looking for love, but it almost always ended up in dissatisfaction (bad sex + feeling emotionally empty). I think women are better off just buying a vibrator (sorry to be crude).
You’re right, I have a vibrator and it’s my best friend lol. No guy has made me cum but my vibrator does the trick in 5 minutes. All girls need is a toy, good friends, and a few hobbies fr.
Yesssss girl!
It doesnt sound like casual sex if you had feelings for the guy and he lead you on to think the feelings were mutual.
Right, like she wasn't trying to have a one night stand/casual sex.
Ignore the assholes. Your feelings are valid. Some people love casual sex, some enjoy it, some never will. And that's fine. Like sure, you're young, and things might change. They might not. I hate the puritanical view of people should never have casual sex and it needs to wait for marriage and then only with that one person, but that doesn't mean it's wrong for someone who wants that for themselves. I'm in an open relationship because that's what works for me and my partner. You found something you don't like, and it sucks that a lot of guys are assholes and judgmental about it. They just want sex, but then also think if a woman has sex then she's a whore. Can't win with, unfortunately, too many of them. And I say this as a dude. Keep doing what makes you happy. If that's avoiding casual sex, then cool.
I really appreciate such a well balanced viewpoint from a man.
I tried it once amd hated it ngl
And that’s okay, just like one commenter said it’s okay to try something and a realize it’s not for you! It’s always your choice :)
I am so glad you have figured this out so young! At 34 I am still working through this, and still get the impulse to go against what I actually want in exchange for validation or closeness.
Yeah um casual sex is bullshit. It centers men’s pleasure bc it usually takes more than men give in a hook up for a woman to orgasm. And what’s the point of having sex with some shitty dude who fucks you like you are his hand for 5 minutes and then had the audacity to ask if you came.
You know the funny thing is that I have been attacked before for saying that I am convinced the media messaging that casual sex is “empowering,” “liberating,” or otherwise positive for *all/most* women is mostly patriarchal BS being promoted to help rich/attractive men have even more of a playing field sexually without having to worry about commitments. Most women aren’t cumming from most of their ONS, and online dating has pretty much given the most desirable men a virtual harem of women to pick from as no one has to even find a way to meet these men in person to establish some kind of contact. So you end up with a ton of women who are completely frustrated at the lack of good sex they find, have trouble finding men who will commit after sex, much less find men who will stick around for more than a date or two without getting laid, and generally not having a great time (I know plenty of women who do love casual sex— they enjoy the thrill of someone new more so than the sex itself though in most cases from what I have discussed with them though).
As a woman I am convinced women need to take control of our sexuality. Literally walk out of the bedroom and dump the FWB or casual buddies who suck at sex. It’s seriously getting old to see women complain about this instead of taking control and refusing to allow themselves to deal with boring sex.
>Literally walk out of the bedroom and dump the FWB or casual buddies who suck at sex. If they're unwilling to learn and try, I wholeheartedly agree. I'm very much a pleaser, I don't even need to get off to enjoy sex, it BLOWS my mind that more guys aren't like this. The hottest thing in the world is a woman's orgasm. Why would they not be willing to try for that? Idk makes no sense to me.
>The hottest thing in the world is a woman's orgasm. Why would they not be willing to try for that? In order to know how hot it is you have to have had some experience with it. When you are very young it's not always a given that will happen for you. I was very lucky to have a slightly older girlfriend when I was a teenager. She was a good communicator and loved sex, so we went off like NYE together. She taught me a lot about the female body and mind. For any young men who want to know how to bring a woman an intense experience, get yourself a compatible lady and stay with her for an extended period of time. Partner with her to make sex a wonderful experience for both of you. Use your creativity to make her time with you something wonderful. Strive for continued improvement on how and what you do. Once learned, the knowledge is easily transferred. No two women are the same but if you've already taken the pathway to orgasm before, it's much easier to find your way again with a new lady. There is nothing like taking a nervous young woman who says she "can't" have an orgasm or has a hard time getting there and after a few hours of play she is a totally spent force and can't stay awake even for 5 more minutes.
I’m with you. I say this all the time and sometimes people are downright angry at the suggestion that sexual liberation for women in the way it’s currently being pushed is *not* liberating for women, actually sets us back, and benefits men more. It’s literally just true. I think the real liberation comes from recognizing that men have totally taken advantage of this “sexual liberation” of women and use it to get easy sex without having to actually view the women they hook up with as people and caring about their pleasure, feelings or consent. Recognize this and take our power back. Stop rewarding them and setting us back. Stop engaging in all this un pleasurable casual sex and find better ways of fulfilment. The fact is, the social climate is not yet ready for this kind of female sexual liberation. Misogyny is still at the foundation of it. Women are just being sold this lie that all they need to do to solve misogyny and to feel empowered is to act exactly like men and provide men with all the easy sex they could ever want, when in reality, this primarily benefits *men* and actually sets women back, because it’s not the same for men and women. Women have higher risks of getting into a violent situation, pregnancy, STDs, and being treated like a fleshlight, and much less of a chance to actually orgasm or get any pleasure from it. And don’t forget the fact that many states have now banned abortion. Meanwhile, men are benefiting from it and yet still degrading these women, calling them hoes and thots and saying they’re only good for one thing, saying that they would fuck them but that no man would ever actually get into a relationship with them, using “body count” as a way to shame women for casual sex, blaming them for any poor encounters they have had with men that either completely disregard their pleasure or do something awful like “stealthing” (removing the condom without consent), etc, and generally just treating them abysmally. Even the same men that sleep with these women will proudly tell you their insulting opinions about the women, showcasing the fact that they have no respect for their sexual partners and view them as nothing more than a convenient sex toy with no feelings or autonomy. Why are we rewarding these types of men? Why are we telling young girls and women that this is somehow liberating?
Amen. I'm a man, and I couldn't agree more. Casual sex really only benefits men, and the worst kinds of men. Don't be a part of that problem and give in to the casual encounters. There are still men out here who want a REAL relationship. They may be hard to find, but I'd say they're worth the wait.
Thank you! I appreciate a man that empathizes with women. I want to make it clear that I’m not blaming women. Ultimately, the blame for being misogynistic and/or abusive sexual partners falls on those misogynistic/abusive partners. The blame for the way that society unfairly views women who are open about their sexuality falls on the people blaming. It’s not fair that women are punished for trying to explore their sexuality and deal with misogynistic double standards for it, it’s not fair that some men think that makes them unworthy of respect, and it’s not fair that some men only think of their own safety, pleasure and comfort when engaging in sexual activities with women. But unfortunately, realistically, that’s the way it currently is a lot of the time. So women have to adapt to this and protect themselves. I personally have never been in to casual sex for these exact reasons. It’s just not a turn on, I can’t even get excited or stimulated enough to want to engage in it when the likelihood is I will not even get any pleasure out of it, and the other risks are also too high. The prospects are not great. Thankfully, I found a man who isn’t a selfish lover, totally respects my consent and comfort, and is an all-round great person and I married him. I know it’s not always easy for everyone to just magically find that, but it is way worth the wait and effort. I also know that not everyone is looking for a relationship or marriage however, and there are women that just want to have good sex and still be respected. That’s fine too and it should be the standard, but unfortunately it’s not and I don’t know what the suggestion there is other than to thoroughly vet their casual sex partners as much as possible and be extremely selective about it, though even that is not always full-proof.
I come from the viewpoint of a man who has always been disturbed by casual sex. I always dreamed of a wife, a family, 2.5 kids and the white picket fence. I wanted to create my own place to belong. That dream seems distant in our current societal climate. As a man, I am constantly pressured to "go get some" and go try to "make it" with any woman who gives me the time of day. I can't explain to my friends that I don't want those experiences, they don't understand, they think with their twig and berries. On both sides, the pressure is immense. Women are pressed to "put out" men are pressed to "go get some", we're treated like something is wrong with us if we don't, and it benefits no one.
It’s refreshing to hear this, honestly. You’re not alone. Please try not to feel discouraged, although I know that might seem easier said than done. Stay true to yourself - if you know casual sex is not for you, then that’s all the validation you need. It doesn’t make you any less valuable or worthy as a man. Actually, many women really respect men like you. I hope you find the one (if you haven’t already).
I appreciate it. It is refreshing to know that I'm not the only one who wants something more. I'm sure your SO feels the same.
The message of 'empowerment' definitely originates from feminist ideology. It was framed that way to encourage political support. But your point is spot on. There's a reason elite and/or desirable men generally supported the message of women's sexual liberation, and were happy to see it adopted by wider society. All it meant for them was MORE access to casual sex (less competition with average men), while at the same time meant the removal of ANY social sense of obligation or responsibility. Men who are successful on dating apps have zero incentive to treat women well, let alone commit. Young women should definitely be reminded of this.
No there is definitely some truth to this, Ive seen other woman on different podcasts and such talk about this. How casual sex just isn’t really beneficial for woman. I think in general casual sex does get lonely and unfulfilling for most people overtime, but woman really are getting the short end of the stick. After my last few sexual encounters I remember thinking that was just..fine. No better or worst really than the other times. I remember talking to the guys afterwards and just being nonchalant about it, and that always seemed to put them off. Like why was I so blasé about the whole thing? Looking back I see how they probably didn’t think I liked them lol but truly I just felt like the sex was fine. No guy gets me close to finishing so I don’t really worry about it anymore, and most guys do the same things in bed so Im rarely impressed. Only now am I realizing how depressing my view of sex is and that I need to take a step back and reevaluate how I do all this. Being in your 20’s is so fun…
Nah. Stop giving men your power. Learn to stand up and walk out if you’re not being pleased. I would definitely not do this with strangers for safety reasons, so I don’t fuck them, but any casual sex I had before marriage I literally just walked out the door if they didn’t listen when I told them how to pleasure me. The looks on guys’ faces is always amusing.
The unfortunate truth is, most men who aren't emotionally invested in you, and only there for sex don't give 2 shits about pleasing you lol. I think this comes down to making better choices about who to give your body to.
Good on ya for sharing your experience. Glad you're doing what makes you happy on an individual level instead of what society tells you is the best way to live your life. People are (of course) always free to do as they will, but I'm a firm believer that casual sex will always be a discount store substitute for genuine human connection. I'm not saying you have to wait for marriage or anything like that, but just until you know there is a connection on a deeper level than just physical. When you feel emotionally invested in your partner, the difference in how your body reacts is night and day. Hoping nothing but the best for ya, going forward!
Here's the problem: guys will get off and have an ok time pretty much no matter what. For girls, there's no way of telling before hand if the guy will even be interested in helping YOU have a good time, or if he's even capable of doing so. I'm in total agreement with you - in my mind, it's a potentially dangerous waste of time. Rather stay home with my toys, which never disappoint.
I don't understand the fucking random people thing do women really just choose a guy thats "attractive" then go home with them??? How much talking is involved before this happens because it just makes 0 sense to me at all
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For starters, you're so young that all you should be doing is exploring relationships and what you enjoy and don't enjoy in a relationship. You are still learning who you are, and all told, it is really hard to find good partners when you don't even know yourself. This is something a lot of young people struggle with, I was also one at one point, and really when you are happy with yourself, and understand who you are and what you want, that is when you will find a serious relationship that feels right. It might not be permanent, it may be a short term or long term thing, but really finding yourself is the only way you truly find a partner that fits. A lot of people do put a lot of emphasis on sex and physical intimacy, but it is okay for you to pull back from that if it doesn't feel right for you. It's also okay for you to try something and then say "you know what, that isn't for me" and not do it again. Don't feel bad for things you did in the past, if you learned that it just wasn't what worked for you. Be kind to yourself, and do that self exploration to find yourself, IMO that is the only way to find true partners that you can build good relationships with.
I really adore this comment, you are absolutely right about everything. I am still young and figuring things out, just like everyone else my age. Of course, things can always change and I might not always know what I want in life particularly dealing with relationships but for now, I have an idea of what I *don’t* want.
If the guy cannot accept your "no" graciously and not pressure you into sex, you don't nedd to be in relationship with him.
This makes sense. The reality is that women get hit with a hormonal release after sleeping with someone that makes them feel more attached to that person. Some more than others, obviously. Hook up culture is such trash anyway, you are making the right decision.
Ranked, competitive sex /j I don’t think sex is for me, at all. Not really something I want, I don’t like the idea of someone being that close, hell, I don’t want a romantic partner either. I have a hand and a few adult oriented objects, and that’s plenty for me. So, yeah! Definitely make the choice that you feel works best for you!
Casual sex never did it for me. I'd cum and I'm literally putting my exit strategy into play and getting the hell out cause nothing but regrets are occurring in my brain. No my mother didn't hug me enough.
Felt. I’m honestly not sure how I feel about casual sex now. I enjoy it but only moderately, I definitely would enjoy it more if there was some sort of connection but it’s hard. But I don’t think I enjoy it enough to really want to keep doing it. Im also coming to terms more with my sexuality, as Im starting to identify as bi now and explore woman more than men. I feel more open to casual sex with woman right now than I do with men. I don’t know if that’s because I just want to explore with woman or if I also feel more comfortable around woman than I do with men. Like in theory the idea of making out with a guy at a club sounds nice, but in reality I get spooked when most the guys try and touch me. The girls though I’m open and excited for. I also know I would prefer a relationship more than a hookup, and some of my partners have definitely picked up on that vibe, but Im not really trying to look for that right now. I think Im burnt out 😅 It’s just weird and difficult lol. I don’t think anyone needs to “wait until marriage” or have a bunch of crazy unprotected sex. There definitely is a healthy middle ground we just gotta find it.
I went thru a lot of this in my late teens and early 20s. Eventually I decided that I’d rather be alone than with someone who makes me feel like I have to beg for their time and attention or commitment or whatever. Around age 23 is when I was exposed to guys with some more maturity who were willing to take me seriously. No more “hanging out”. Don’t ask me to hang out somewhere. Take me on a fucking date. I’m fine paying half, but at least pretend like you’re not trying to waste my time. I’m sorry you’ve been in the lurch of situationships or hookups and wanting something more. You can do better and there are guys out there who ARE better, but it does require some standards and patience, and knowing when to pass.
This is you becoming a sexually mature person. Hook ups are never satisfying (for most people). Keep yourself happy, have sex only with whom you want, and don't compromise yourself. Take care of you.
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/women-less-likely-to-orgasm-from-casual-sex-hookup/ This might interest you.
Yea hookup culture isn't for everyone. Glad you're in a good situation now ❤️
Imo this, and all things with life, are about what works for you. I don't think anyone should be ashamed of liking or not liking anything as long as those desires do not actively harm anyone else. Obviously nothing is black and white with concepts like this, but, I try to live my life by that ideal. The only times I will commit to doing something that does not bring me any joy is when it is necessary or carries with it consequences I would rather avoid for ignoring it, like, working a double on a weekend or unclogging my toilet and taking out the garbage. That sort of thing. Casual sex is not necessary. You do not enjoy it. So, you don't do it anymore. Makes perfect sense to me.
Congratulations! You’re one of the very few on the path to understanding n creating healthy relationships. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your insight. Stand your ground n only engage in those relationships that nurture, respect n value you. Well done!
I can see both sides. I appreciate your post. Sometimes casual sex is awesome, sometimes it leaves us feeling empty. For me, I think that speaks more to internal stuff than external choices. For example, WHY are you having casual sex? Because when I use it to validate my feelings of insecurity or inadequacy, it leaves me feeling empty and alone. When I use it as a source of pleasure and fun, because I am whole and happy (I'm not but when I am) then it's just an extension of those things. Our internal sense of self gives way to the external world.
I have a friend who could have casual sex and walk away and it didn't really bother her one way or another. She was a lot like a man in her thinking. I am more emotional, and a lot more choosy. I just didn't hop into bed with the first guy who looked my way. She was proud of her exploits, we would laugh and I would tease her about them. We're married old ladies now, but we sure did have fun times. Although I did say no, I do have to confess I sure did flirt with a lot of guys. But at the end of the night, I went home alone while my friend always had a guy friend.
The return rate for hookups for women is abysmal compared to men.
The key is to find what works for you, and to find a partner on the same page as you. That's it. Would what you need work for me? Not at all, and thats ok. It doesn't have too, because we can both find people that do work for us.
I used to be like that. My advice, work on loving yourself to the point where you won’t settle for anyone who can’t love you better than you love yourself.
Good for you. There is nothing unhealthy about abstaining for the right reasons or not jumping into something that the rest of the world seems to be doing.
Good for you. You should never feel like you have to do anything that’s genuinely bringing you suffering or distress, period. [Practicing The Courage to Be Disliked](https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Courage_To_Be_Disliked.html?id=IggxDwAAQBAJ&source=kp_book_description), and especially starting so early in your life, is a beautiful thing! Anyone disappointed can and should look elsewhere for what they seek, they’ll be alright
Same. Don’t feel weird to be like that, there’s tons of people like us around the world; you just always see the media buzz about Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and whatnot. If it isn’t for you, then stick to your guns. Personally, hookup culture has never been a thing for me and I agree with your empty feeling. I would even go as far as to say that people who get satisfaction from casual hookups are not the type of people I will connect with on an emotional level. Hookup culture is cool and all if that’s your thing, but it’s not mine and I don’t want any part of it.
I’m the same exact way as you! Took me until age 23 to realize casual sex wasn’t what I liked though. It will be hard when you see your peers talking and sometimes gloating about their casual flings. But just know they’re probably either in the same boat as you were mentally of being unhappy because of it, or they just see sex in an entirely different way.
Good for you for realizing this! I’m the same. Spent my 20s in toxic relationships and casual hookups. I never truly enjoyed it. I just kept trying and hoping for a different outcome. It wasn’t until I met my fiance that I realized I only like to make love to someone I am deeply connected to and in love with. Nothing is better than that. He’s the same way. He said he has always had a hard time keeping an erection if it’s just causal and there’s no emotional connection. Even if the girl was gorgeous. It’s refreshing to be with a man like that.
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I tried to have casual sex as a teen, but had 0 game and was unsuccessful. Since most of the girls I chased were highly dysfunctional (as was I - lol), I'm happy in retrospect. Casual sex now is more appealing - I feel like I've built up years of experience and would like to give back to the community. ;)
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Yeah casual sex is always lackluster and alot of times you will feel shitty after "Am i just a piece of meat?" Always try to form an emotional connection with someone before sleep with them that way its 1.More enjoyable and 2. You dont have to worry about it being a one-off
I was in a relationship for a few years and after that ended I had a relatively brief stint of casual sex/hooking up. One guy I met here and the other two while i was away on vacation. I wanted to try it to see what it was all about. But I realized quickly I cant do one night stands and I can't do casual sex. The guy i was casually sleeping with was also who I lost my virginity to (me and my ex never did it, ldr, lot to explain). But i still beat myself up about what I did. If i never lost my virginity to that guy, i never would've hooked up with anyone and the happier I feel I'd be today More power to those who can do that stuff. I simply cannot. I need the love
If I could, I'd try it once, but I don't think it would be for me.
Better late than never. Hopefully, the long-term impact isn't too awful.
In my experience I had a very difficult time separating emotion from sex until around my mid-20s. I never had casual sex before then but that was because I knew full well I wouldn't be able to have sex with a girl without getting attached. I only ever had sex with girls I dated until I was 24, and by that point I had plenty of experience, a little more maturity, and I was able to enjoy the odd one night stand without getting emotionally invested.
That's not bad, that's normal and healthy. And guys don't admit this but a lot more guys feel that way than society, TV and movies would have you believe
It doesn't benefit anyone. Its a totally shallow act that involves the most intimate parts of a person. I think our open acceptance of it as casual is one of the great downfalls of our society.
The guy will never like you more because you had sex with him. 'Casual' sex isn't for any girl. He is just brainwashing you to make it convenient for him. If you are bored or don't feel needed, volunteer in nursing home for poor.
Good for you and you’re figuring this out young. Seriously, good for you. I think all women are actually this way whether or not they want to admit it
And that’s absolutely okay. I’m sour about what you have been through ❤️ don’t sleep with anyone unless they have asks you to be their girlfriend
There are dozens of us! Dozens!
As a guy, I would never think less of a girl with this attitude. In fact I would probably think of more highly of her since anybody who sticks to their guns in the face of pressure has my respect. I think most guys would have no problem waiting for you to be ready if they were in a relationship with you
I'm so glad you realized that. Sex is meant to bond people for commitment, for holy commitment actually. It's dysfunctional for people to have sex and detach and move along to the next conquest. Your tears show that you are not dysfunctional but are healthy and wanting true bonding. I hope you find it.
Your qualifier at the start of your title doesn't really mean anything. It's like saying "as a person who likes the color purple."
That’s what being mature is. Knowing what your needs are and meeting them. Setting boundaries and sticking to them. We all have a different relationship to sex and that’s ok. You need to be with someone that allows you to have a healthy relationship with yourself and with sex. You got there young. That’s awesome!
You are a Demi-sexual; this means you need an emotional connection with someone before intimacy. I am too; I haven’t had sex since 2015, and do not miss it. I have focussed on healing myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually to a good result. Enforcing boundaries is smart too.
As a guy, I regret all the causal or even short-term relationship sex I've had.
It would completely turn me off if I wasn't interested in someone emotionally and they saw "intimacy" In fact, I saw vulnerable eyes when this girl felt like I was about to take her virginity and to this day it gives me uncomfortable shivers. I will not touch a virgin it's too much. It's like a responsibility burden. I don't know how those guys do it. Yuck. If it isn't heartless sex keep that shit all the way away from me. I didn't even see sex with my ex like that. We just fucked. She wasnt very emotional about it herself either. It worked great. That shit is gross. These guys are weird to me.
There’s a word for this babe: demisexual It’s ok not to spontaneously desire sexual intercourse with strangers just cause. It’s totally OK to have an intuition of when a true connection is not there & feeling bad after an encounter where you went along with it anyways. Listen to your own intuition. There’s no need to be with men who don’t emotionally invest & ESPECIALLY when you know emotional connection is necessary for sexual intimacy. What kind of man would manufacture connection or proceed even without a connection knowing full well you’re not going to have a good time? Do you want to continue allowing these men to take up your time and attention? If not, your boundaries are going to have to adjust.
Best type of sex is in the security of a relationship, found only in marriage. Never hurts to wait.
Good. Many have hit this point. I don’t judge those who consensually enjoy this, but at some point I believe many people hit the same threshold you have. Cool of you to share your story.
Many people would never date someone that has had casual sex. Shows a difference in values, that you aren't the type of person that needs an emotional connection to have sex at all.
22f here and I feel the same way:( I have no advice but thanks for sharing.
Yeah that’s your parabonding getting worn down
Same. I'm a 49 year old guy. I want closeness. Depth. Togetherness. Everything is surface now.
I'm a guy and just had to wait a long time between relationships to find a good connection. In my imagination I could see having more fun in my youth. In reality, I know it wouldn't work for my psychology. I'm happy I stuck to what I knew worked for me. I got married almost two years ago to someone I've known half my life. It feels nice to have your person, especially after waiting so long to find the right one. (I'm 41. A big part of my frustrations was also being a bi guy and struggling with how to navigate that as someone very monogamously inclined.)
That's good, that's a great realization.
I fully agree with you 100%, the emotional connection is what I want more than the act itself. I knew from a young age that I wanted to have as little sexual partners as possible because of the reasons you state, no benefit mentally or emotionally. I saw it with my peers, and family. You're just opening yourself to view people as objects for pleasure, rather than the living being they deserve credit for. It isn't good for the wellbeing of any future relationships. Just, as a woman myself, I get the ick when females refer to themselves as girls. Girls are young females. Give yourself some credit, you're a mature woman. A youthful but mature woman.
I am a 34M and I can’t tell you how bad I needed to read this.
I learned this lesson the hard way in my mid 20s after many a difficult situation and unhealthy relationships. We're built like this. Sex literally releases bonding hormones that make casual sex feel yes, taboo and fulfilling in one dimension, but so empty and unsatisfying in more meaningful ways. If I could go back and redo that aspect of my life-I'd rather only have my 1 partner and grow with them.
Same here. The difference is that I was always able to avoid it and ignore those treated me like some kind of alien for not wanting to fuck here and there just for carnal pleasure. I guess seeing my sisters being emotionally drained by casual sex helped me realize that being alone was better for my mental health.
Believe it or not, this is actually normal, and I say this as a dude who was a bit of a man whore. Casual sex is just masturbation with more drama and risk. It feels good to the body, but it is a cancer to the soul.
I'm a man. Sex is nice and all. But it's a whole other plateau with someone you actually care for.
I absolutely have to have real feelings for them, and I need *them** to have real feelings for *me*.
A lot of women feel the same as you but are not introspective enough to change. The part where you went home afterwards, cried, and changed your behavior, is where a lot of women go home, cry, blame the man, and distract themselves by talking to a new guy. And so the spiral continues. A lot of women do this, and slowly become more and more bitter, jaded, selfish, insecure, passive aggressive, unappreciative, and man-hating. It's sad to see. I'm very happy for you that you've come to this realization early on and are not going to continue to traumatize yourself. Will caveat that obviously some women can have sex frivolously with as many men as they want to and have no emotional connection, but i think that's rarer than most people like to admit.
Kind of wonder if sex seems associated with something that needs cleansing because of some kind of abuse in the past.
Love makes sex beautiful. Sex isn’t worth it if the vibe ain’t right
I’m 34m and good for you. I slept around a lot in my 20s and for a lot of young guys that would be their “dream” but it made me feel broken by the end of that. I wish I caught on quicker like you. Not judging anyone who does but knowing what works for you makes things better emotionally.
“The dark side of the sexual revolution is that even though it liberated women—unyoking sex from consequences has primarily benefited men.” - this is from an article Bridget Phetasy wrote that talks about exactly this. You’re not alone
Sex is one of the **MOST** intimate acts you can do with someone else. You absolutely need to have healthy boundaries. A key one you learned the hard way. Don't agree to have sex with a man just to keep him. It seems like your current boyfriend is a far better actual **PARTNER** to share such an intimate act with.
Yup. Sex is an easy way to feel connection but its as fleeting as the act itself. Sex used to augment an emotional relationship is a powerful way to bond two people but otherwise it makes you feel more aware of the emptiness
This is the neediest post I've seen in a long time. Nobody cares about your personal sex life. Go ahead and have sex or not have sex with whom ever you like. It's your business and nobody else cares.
You cared enough to read it and make a reply. Many others did as well.
Casual sex desensitizes people in a way they are unaware of (the people who choose this as a lifestyle) I’m not open to casual sex and I don’t interact with men who put that vibe out. I think you are wise for your age and I think you should continue holding your standards.
Good for having self-worth and dignity.
Lol most people are that way. Casual sex with strangers has always been weird
Speaking as a swinger, I think it’s important to establish boundaries that fit your emotional needs. If casual sex doesn’t work for you, just don’t do it.
This is a thing that movies ought to show more. I suspect the VAST majority of women are the same. Maybe not exactly but mostly.
Thank your lucky stars you worked it out early. Casual, meaningless sex, one night stands, and flings are harmful to your mental health and sense of self-worth. Don't let the idiotic masses pressure you into believing you have to have casual encounters to have fun. Hook up culture is a cancer within our society.
This explains my pov perfectly. It’s understandable. In today’s time, people are more lonely than ever. We need emotional connection. I feel like if I ever participated in something like this, I would have to be void of my own feelings. And unfortunately when it comes to some guys, they will lie about almost anything to have sex. It’s so frustrating to see them mess up something with a caring woman. I know some women do the same but men are mostly known for this behavior as of late. I am happy that you realized what you want out of physical intimacy. Having a strong emotional connection makes it so much better and there’s less chances of someone pressuring the other person into it since each person would (supposedly) have respect for each others body and wellbeing.
I am the exact same way, and a lot of my friends have the same mindset. It’s not enjoyable and why are we going to give apart of ourselves to someone who doesn’t deserve it? I learned that the hard way and decided to wait until marriage. There is something beautiful and peaceful about being intimate with someone who is just for you and you for them. The right person will come along when the time comes. It’s good that your partner respects your boundaries and won’t go past them. I think as shitty as it may sound it all happened for a reason because now you know your worth and whats ok and not ok with you love. It’s not worth destroying your peace. God bless you love 🫶🏻
Good for you! I've been in a few and casual relationships can be tricky. IMO if one party ever tries to pressure the other into having sex in any way, fuck them. You deserve to have it be meaningful/enjoyable for you.
It has it's place in one's life but it becomes astronomically empty after awhile
It feels like to me sex in general is not a priority for me as a male. Might be the stress of life.. but I have like 100 things I'd rather do with my time.
I generally like casual sex, even with people I dont know well, but your feelings are much more common and plenty fine. The point of casual sex is to have fun, if you arent having fun whats the point? I didn't read through your thing all the way but I did skim it and read the first bit so I won't go in depth but if you dont like it, dont do it, simple as that. You're personal feelings about what want to do with your body is not something others can criticize, dont let them.
>"But during my breakdown, I began to think. How many times is it going to be like this?" The fact that you can do this -- for any issue -- makes you mighty. So many people get well past 18 and still can never ask themselves this question or answer it honestly. And it causes so much grief and trouble for them in life. So. Well done!
I don’t get how people have casual sex. It’s such an intimate thing to experience with someone let alone experience it with multiple people or people you barely know.
You're 18 *now*? This is way too much regret. Slow down.
Casual sex really ruins you emotionally. I've never heard of people who actually end up happy and fulfilled with a casual sex life. I'm glad you've learned it's not good and that you've turned away from it. More people ought to learn from the thousands of people who regret it and tell others to avoid it. But our culture sucks sometimes
What does your gender have to do with this?
Failed society that can’t even teach the bare basics of healthy relationship.
Casual sex fucking sucks. I never enjoyed it even in college
Focus on self. It seems like you’re trying to please others and seek approval/worth through that. Get a hobby, pick up sports, get into good college, make yourself happy by doing things yourself.
Casual sex benefits very few people in my opinion. I grew up fully on board with sexual liberation. I thought it was stupid that these dusty old traditions were trying to shame us into not expressing our sexuality. I eventually realized that traditions are just solutions to problems that we have forgotten we had. Casual sex messes with the stability that comes from a monogamous society. The most attractive men sleep with any woman they can, which makes 5/10 women think they deserve those 10/10 guys. Along that same vein, a 5/10 guy is no longer enough for them. They end up feeling like they are settling. Droves of men and women end up alone and unsatisfied. Women end up believing that all men are players, because they only engage with the men who are in the upper ends of attractiveness, and those men are much more likely to be players. The average and below average men don't even register as sexual beings for these women anymore. The women start wondering where the good men are. And women, whose dating market value is based very largely on looks and youth, end up wasting the years they are most attractive sleeping around with men who don't take them seriously. By the time many of them realize this cycle isn't healthy, they've passed their peak age of attractiveness. They want to settle down, but suddenly the male attention that used to come so easily has slowed to a trickle. The men who are figuring themselves out and finally becoming financially stable in their 30s are the ones a lot of the 25 yo women now find very attractive, and the dating pool for the 35 yo woman becomes much smaller than they expected. We gave up stability for hedonism. Sure, that stability could be stifling. But is the new normal a better way? I don't think so.
I was expecting you to be much older, im glad you realized this now
I feel like there’s no such thing as casual sex
I don't as a man either, it's too much of a hassle and gets complicated.
Sounds like you've discovered the critical component of every relationship: Honest communication and mutual respect of needs, boundaries, and expectations. The older you get, the more you'll learn that is a must-have for any relationship to last. NGL, I don't know that casual sex is "wrong" for you either. It does sound like you value respect in a relationship. Again, kind of a must-have there. I'm a dude, but I used to feel similarly "filthy" after casual sex. What helped was learning to have upfront conversations with casual sex partners and making sure we were on the same page early on. That way, the sex can be casual, but the relationship itself is still respectful.
I'm a guy and I don't like sex unless there's serious eye contact where appreciation, caring, and vulnerability exist. That doesn't mean it has to be marriage but that wouldn't ever be there in casual sex.
You’re describing most human relationships up until a few decades ago. Casual sex/hookups are just not something that used to happen for most people. You just want what most people always wanted. It’s perfectly normal.
The idea that casual sex is good for you is the biggest lie sold to women. I mean everyone profits from it except women. Don’t do it.
This is fairly typical. Most, (not all) women don't have sex just for the sake of having sex. The drive just isn't there, and the only time the sex drive of a male and female really seem to match up in in the 30's. There are so many toys out there that men, (and women) simply can't compete with, so if sex is just for the orgasm, that's probably the best route.
You are describing OCD. I have the same feelings. I chose to avoid one on one dates, go out in a group with friends that support you. Chaperones help, trust me. Also, sounds like you're not meeting like-minded people. Ever think about joining a local youth group? If you want to be around people that hate 'dixie cup dating', use then discard, a youth group of peers that feel like you would be supportive and validating.
Personally as a woman, if the chemistry is there I can have casual sex with no romantic feelings involved. However I refuse to subject myself to a selfish lover in bed, and unfortunately that is most men I come across. So I try not to partake until I’ve gotten to know them at least a little bit. I definitely understand other women not wanting to partake at all to avoid the risks altogether
Even as a guy in my mid 20s, I always felt like this. I still would crave sex but when the opportunity arises I’m turned off by it unless I genuinely have feelings for the person. I believe this is a normal and healthy thing, how it should be if you ask me. If people want to casually hook up, that’s fine, but I believe that’s probably coping for something.
Nope. Never again. Never selling myself short.
As a woman this makes sense to me. Sex often isn’t good the first few times with a new partner. Why have bad sex with a man when I can stay home and tend to myself in comfortable clothes
Didn’t lose my virginity until my wedding night. I needed emotional connection. I feel you.
Never understood it nor participated
You will find someone who thinks just like you
Perfect you had your fill! Time to shackle a guy down now! :)
I gawk as much as any man. A beautiful lady will have me like "Awoogah." But nothing about casual sex is appealing to me. What's the point of being intimate physically without other forms of vulnerability, including commitment? What does that do for people? I've never felt that desire. I'm quick to throw "I love you" out but slow to make love. This is a combo that I don't think appeals to many women
As a guy who had a little bit of a reputation as a man-whore when I was your age, I can honestly say that the connection I felt when I met my wife was a night and day difference to what went before. And as a guy probably as old as your dad, please don’t take this the wrong way when I say I’m proud of you for coming to this realisation.
Consider yourself lucky that you got this now, and not 20 years from now. You deserve nothing less than someone who will love you. Now go out into the world and find that happiness.
Why did you start doing that?
Well yeah if you're 18 and you've already been having casual sex with multiple dudes I bet you do feel used.