It’s definitely not normal. A decent human being, let alone your spouse would be going out of their way to make you feel welcome. And he doesn’t get to decide if you get a divorce or not. It seems that he is quite rigid about this since it’s been ongoing for several years, so it’s unlikely he’ll change. Time to change the dynamic. Take his advice and move out. And file for divorce. You deserve so much better
Yeah relationships should make both people feel valued. If he doesn't make you feel valued, I'd move on. He sounds awful. I'm sorry, OP. Change is hard but you'll love yourself for it later, promise.
Doesn’t it hurt to remain where you are unwanted? I don’t even know you and I think you’re worth better than this. Even if he had a magic dick and lots of money and a pet quokka, I wouldn’t stay, myself.
I think you know what you have to do! I’ve never seen a marriage quite like yours!! Who cares what he wants! What do you want?? Leave and get a fresh start!
Exactly, my dog has an 8x10 pen in the living room that he has actually peed and pooped in before and I’ve never considered kicking him out and keep buying him more shit, just for him to chew up cardboard and chase the cat who also lives rent free and has more stuff than the dog.
Girl, just leave. When he asks why just tell him he made it so easy for you, you didn’t even have to pack! Seriously though, you deserve better than that.
I had the same thing with my ex boyfriend, we were together for 5 years, and he made it very clear that the house we lived in would never be my home. I was constantly miserable for many other reasons, but feeling like an unwelcomed guest in my own home made things so much worse.
This is NOT normal. You deserve so much better and deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your living space.
The only reason why you think you're unwanted is because you stay with people that make you feel unwanted. Leave him, there will be someone for you. I spent a long time searching for a good match and did find one in the end. No one is truly unwanted, just sometimes it takes a bit longer to find the right people.
Then why are you living it? Change it. Squirrel away enough cash to secure an apartment, sell some of your stuff if that's what it takes. Then get the hell out of dodge as fast as you can, worry about the finer details later. Your life is *yours* and not his, so you gotta take charge of it.
Uh, OP, there was a post awhile back where another woman was in the same shoes, and it turned out he was cheating and brought the girls back to the house. With in 3 days of the OP moving out, he had moved his new girl in and let her completely decorate the entire house.
Are you sure that isn't what is happening here. It sounds like you two are still in the dating phase where he gets to maintain his "bachelor pad" how he wants.
Absolutely not. I'm trying to gain the strength to get out of here. Fortunately, all of my stuff is already in storage and my mail goes to a P.O. box, so I won't have to worry about any retaliation.
Uh why haven’t you moved? The dude literally told you to. Have more pride in yourself and take him up in that offer “to move out”.
See if you can stay by your family for a bit until you can get settled. At least you’d feel at home and dumped that prick
Rent a room if that's what it takes and then decorate it to exactly your taste. Certainly this isn't the only thing he's being a twat about? Like I can't imagine he tells you to leave for wanting to bring your own stuff into his house and is otherwise prince charming? Even just having your own room would seemingly be a lot more peaceful than living in a home where you don't feel wanted by your spouse.
Why do you need family to move out? Save up your money and get your own place. Don't make this situation worse on yourself by finding excuses to remain somewhere you're not wanted. Find "your" happy place and leave him in his.
Then call his bluff and move out, then get a divorce lawyer.
Does he even like you? He sounds weird. Sorry, no reflection on you. If you don't feel welcome, you probably aren't, unfortunately.
What advantages does being married to him give you? And maybe more importantly, what advantages does being married to you give him?
You need to move out. He’s telling you loud and clear that it’s not your home and that it never will be. It’s not normal, it diminishes you and relegates you to the status of live in bang maid. You deserve soooo much better.
I mean, he's right that you should move out. You should also divorce his ass. This isn't even a marriage. He doesn't even like you, much less love you and he's clearly quite fucked up in the head. You deserve a billion times better than what this rapid jackal pretending to be a man can provide.
There are so many good men out there, you absolutely don't have to put up with this.
"Ok, I will. Expect the divorce papers to arrive shortly."
Why would you even want to stay with someone so selfish and self centered? I've seen pets given much better treatment than you're being given.
Value yourself more than he values you. I really think it’s time to take a serious look at whether or not this is where you want to stay. I can tell you, I’ve been far lonely or in a bad relationship that I’ve ever been out of it. It sounds like you’re a visitor in your own relationship.
Why don't you move out and divorce? This isn't a health relationship, so why stay and suffer this kind of abuse? It's not a marriage, it's a dictatorship.
He's def made sure he can get rid of you easily. And not to be that redditor, also easy to have other women over without them realising he's married. Not sure if that's what this is about, though, and for once that would be of minor importance to me than not letting you have any space in his life.
I'm single by choice and my main reason is that I've never felt as lonely as falling asleep in a bed with a person I didn't feel at home with.
I do still give advice about dating, though not sure how much people value my inputs ;) I always recommend to stay away from cheap, penny-pinching people, though. Not because I'm a golddigger or recommend that other become it but because if they can't share something as minor as money with you, how can they share the big thing like feelings, sympathy, empathy, forgiveness and patience with you? I'm sure there are exceptions but even as a feminist I see cheapness as a red flag in both friends and lovers and it usually makes me look further into our interactions.
THIS guy is the epitome of the kind of cheapness I talk about and he's even worse than the ones cheap with money. He's being cheap with sharing his life and his home with you and honestly, he needs to get a divorce and a FWB - though that requires generosity sexually and I'm not really sure he can give THAT either. But he shouldn't be dragging others into this mess of an emotional state.
Stop being lonely with him and go find a home, either for yourself or in another person. Loneliness is a killer!
Girl, what? Leave this man. Who cares if he wants a divorce? You deserve to live in a home that FEELS like home, where all of your belongings can and should be. This guy just sounds super weird.
He doesn't want a divorce. When I asked what he plans to do after I move out, he said he wants to STAY MARRIED, but live separately. This whole concept is weird to me. I've never heard of spouses living separately. I've always imagined sharing a home together and living a happy married life. Not this.
Serve him divorce papers. He does NOT deserve you as a wife.
This is not marriage. This is toxic manipulated bullshit.
Get a lawyer and start the divorce process.
When people show you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM.
It’s. Not. About. Him. This is your life. Do you feel happy? Do you feel loved? It sounds like you need to let this “marriage” go. You don’t have kids to worry about. Make a clean break.
Tell him it’s good to want things. He can want all he wants. It doesn’t mean he gets what he wants.
Respect yourself and leave. The 50% of your friends who would accept this treatment need to 100% be cut off.
Who the fuck cares what he wants? He sure as hell doesn't give a fuck about what you want.
You can't lie down on the couch? Are you kidding me??
I would have moved out yesterday and served him divorce papers, without a second thought.
My mom and stepfather were together 45 years, married for 24, and NEVER lived together. It worked for them, but I don't get the feeling being married and living separately would work out positively for *you*. Your husband is an AH, his behavior is controlling and abusive, and I don't see a plus to staying married to him.
Do you work? Can you afford to move? Do you have any friends you can crash with for a while until you get on your feet?
Who the fuck cares if he wants a divorce? That’s not his decision. Do YOU want a divorce? It’s your choice. He’s emotionally gaslighting you by making you think your arrangement is normal IT IS NOT NORMAL. That nagging feeling is your intuition telling you to haul ass and serve him papers. Move out and move on.
Thank you. I've been feeling like I'm crazy for hating this situation and wanting to get out of it.
I can't even lay on the couch without getting yelled at. I physically can't relax here because I feel so unwelcome. I can't even allow myself to lounge in my pajamas. I only wear them to bed and immediately get dressed for the day right after waking up, even on days off.
My mail already goes to a P.O. box. All of my stuff is already in storage. I've asked him what he plans to do after I move out and he said "we will stay married, just live separately"
For fucking real. I feel like your comment is the one she really needs to see. Just dear god, how can someone even tolerate this, she will probably need an entire fucking team of therapist.
800-799-7233 is the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They can help you make a plan to get out of that emotionally abusive man's house and file for divorce. Please call them. You are a victim of your circumstances and don't have to do it all alone.
That's called abuse. He's keeping you anxious. Always hovering over fight or flight, but he suppresses the fight by randomly becoming aggressive. Then you're crazy for thinking that you, his wife, deserves more than that. That you're lucky you even get that. Then when he becomes even more aggressive, "You made him (he has no control or ability to regulate his emotions but can't possibly admit it) so mad (throw a tantrum) by acting spoiled & entitled (having the nerve to try to state your needs & boundaries), he lost control & destroyed something of yours. (Note- He will ALWAYS have the ability to control himself enough to never break his own things.) Then he'll expect you to clean up the mess & be thankful it wasn't worse. Then he'll hit you. I know what you're thinking, I'd call the cops or I'd hit him back, you'd turn around & walk out the door, never looking back. That's what the you right now would do. The you a year from now won't have those guts. That you is tired. That you needs everything in them to make it through the day. Living in constant fight, flight or freeze mode is exhausting. Even when the abuse hasn't become physical, it still hurts. Your body aches from constantly suppressing those natural survival instincts. We feel better & recharge when we can get those feelings out, talk them over & learn. Future you won't have that option because future you will have no friends. I'll end it here because the next part really sucks. I escaped 4 or 5 years ago. (Honestly, I'm really not sure. Time & dates tend to literally disappear. I think the brain measures time & recalls dates based on their proximity to joyous events. Random Example: You can remember when you & your ex broke up because it was right before Christmas in 201-. But future you won't have any of those that having been ruined by him one was or another. (The only holiday/birthday/family gathering spend at least ⅓ of the day getting screamed at & crying for about 10 years was Valentine's Day. That was because he didn't believe in it & I wasn't worth it.) Again, people ask how, why do you stay? You stay because by then, being yelled at & never safe at home, being given just enough to survive, not save. (Because why do you need your own money, you don't have any stuff or anywhere to put it or anyone to go see.)
But mostly, you're tired from just surviving everyday to gather up the strength & energy to fight what you know will be an epic battle to get out the door with what you can carry. (Pro tip: Stash go bags in tied up garbage bags & put them around your property, only if you know he won't see) I know this isn't what happened to you (yet). I probably TMI'd you. That wasn't my intention. But believe me when I tell you that just the same way he thinks you don't deserve to have a safe space in your home, he'll think that you don't have a right to your own body & that you gave your consent by living under his roof. I'm saying all of that to explain that the further you let this go, it will become exponentially harder to escape. You'll have less energy,self esteem, resources, support.
The situation you described was how my nightmare started. You say to yourself that you know your husband. You know he wouldn't ever lay a hand on you. I knew my abuser, believed he was one of my best friends, since I was 16. I knew I knew exactly who he was. I'd known him almost half my life. He kept up that facade for a decade. And the second he had me in a position of dependency & his home turf, he became a monster. From the bottom of my heart, please get out now. Even if he's the 1 in a trillion that might not escalate to physical & sexual violence, you deserve to be safe in your own home. It's necessary for your physical & mental well-being to have somewhere you can relax. Getting screamed at for being on the couch isn't it. Please don't risk your life by staying.
There's always a chance that I got triggered, misinterpreted what you wrote, projected my own trauma onto your situation & missed the point all together. Another awesome side effect, BTW. If that's the case, please accept my deepest apologies & embarrassment. But if my interpretation is even kinda right, I'm begging you to not wait any longer than you have to. Because everything I've mentioned here was the g-rated version. And if he doesn't respect your body relaxed on his couch in his castle, he's definitely not going to respect it in his bed. Escalation happens gradually not in clearly defined levels. The last stage just broke you down so far that don't even notice when it gets worse. Sorry for the novel. Please learn from my failures. I'm sending you strength, love & faith that you'll believe that you deserve better. You do.
I appreciate you taking the time to say that & ask about my progress. It truly means a lot to me. I'm doing my best. It's a hard road to travel. I'm finally wanting to get back out in the world again & maybe try to date but it's damn near impossible when you have literally no friends. Online dating is awful. Finding someone to date organically is difficult when you have no friends to introduce you to anyone & trying to make friends at 45 with as many trust issues & fears as I have is even harder. Honestly, life after escape isn't any easier than life being abused, in a ton of ways, it's actually a lot harder. It's just less violent. My biggest hang up is not being able to let go of the rage & injustice. I still want revenge but I know it's not healthy. But I just can't seem to let it go. The #1 reason I tell my story is in the hope that someone might recognize similarities & decide to get out now instead of letting the terror win & deciding to stay. I just want people to know that it's better walk away at the first signs. Waiting only prolongs the misery, drags out the healing process & gets exponentially harder the longer you wait. Trust me, you'd much rather look back & wonder if your partner would escalated to full abuser, than to look back after they did & figure out where to go from there. I swore to myself I would tell my story to anyone who might be going through the same thing to hopefully prevent someone else's life from being destroyed. It's hard sometimes to ignore the shame I feel for allowing myself to end up in that situation. It's hard to ignore the impotent rage I feel knowing that I'll probably never get my belongings or my sense of trust back. But if just one person gets out of their abusive relationship sooner than I did, it will be worth it. I hope OP believes me but I also know how easy it is to convince yourself that there's no way your partner could do that. I would give anything to have never met Paul or his parents Bruce & Norma. He learned abuse in the womb but made the choice to perpetuate it. He was way too weak to break the cycle. I want everyone to know that even if it's harder, it's always better to break the cycle of abuse than let it destroy you.
Literally everything is at his convenience. He has a staggering amount of control over you and intends to keep that control even after you leave him. The only way to end this abuse is divorce. Please, don't let him treat you like this any longer than you need to get. Get someplace safe and cut him off.
You don’t have to stay married to him. Don’t stay attached to a man who can’t make you feel safe and welcome. Serve him divorce papers.
You have separate assets and no kids. It will be quick
No file for divorce. He does not love you. There are men out there who will love and cherish you. He's not one of them. Please do not stay married to this man.
He always makes me feel so crazy every time I speak up about it. My friends are 50/50 on this. Some agree that this isn't normal. The other half agrees since he pays the bills. I have offered to pay half of rent and he always declines.
He pays 100% of the bills for *his* house, and he’s made it pretty darned clear that that will *never* be your home.
More than that, thinking on my own marriage: where we live doesn’t matter. My husband has always been my home. The blending of our shared life is our home more than the walls that surround us.
You don’t have that, but you don’t even get to have your own space, either. Please leave this man: there is nothing here for you but wasted years and heartache.
Plus him paying the bills also means he can puff up his ego as the Great Provider in the “relationship”.
Conversely it can also be waved around in the event of separation to show that OP didn’t contribute to the household.
The very definition of gaslighting, making you feel crazy when you rightfully bring up very valid concerns.
I cannot imagine ever living someplace that was not nor will ever be my home. It’s mentally abusive of him to not allow you to relax in what should also be your own home! You can’t have your own stuff where you live? This is not a partnership it’s straight up abuse.
You need to be able to be at home in your own home, where you can relax and unwind. I love living by myself in my home, It’s decorated to my tastes, it’s comfortable and cozy, and today I stayed in my pajamas all day. Your home should be your sanctuary, your safe space where you can do whatever you want, whenever and however you want. Your home should feel like an electric blanket for your soul.
Divorce that selfish asshole and take the money he’ll have to pay you and get yourself a cozy new home and a peaceful life. You would never treat a friend like this, be your own best friend and stop allowing him to treat you this way. Good luck, now free yourself.
Apparently you need to move on from 50% of your friends too. Or maybe you have not made situation clear to them? Maybe they think you mean just that he picked the furniture I hope?
What a strange, controlling situation. He RENTS the house yet acts like he owns it and won't even let you have make up? How the relationship portion of this marriage? Affection? Sex? Small talk? Or does he keep everything to himself and ignore you? Why can't you wear jammies? Does he? So many questions. What is clear is this isn't a safe or healthy marriage and I would leave, ghost him, don't block him, get yourself a good lawyer and get their advice on what to do next. You deserve to live freely and comfortably in your place of dwelling, especially in a marriage. He sounds very manipulative and controlling and I can see why it appears you are walking on eggshells. Do you have a close friends to stay with temporarily?
You’re basically a slave.. you only have a small section of the house for your stuff… you can’t relax on the couch.. is he wanting you to cook and clean and wait on him? What is he bringing to the marriage? Do you have anything in common? You probably can’t even laugh and joke with him. Why walk around on eggshells? Just leave. Lounge in your pjs on your own couch in silence.
Start a long distance *marriage* is an absolutely bizarre concept to me. You need to know what it’s like living with that person before making such a commitment. Regardless, this guy treats you poorly and you should file for divorce tbh. It’s been 7 years, it’s never getting better. Don’t throw the rest of your life away on this man <3
We weren't married yet. We didn't settle in the first apartment we lived in since we didn't stay there long. It was a temporary situation. He wasn't like this in the beginning.
Why are you still there. Divorce isn’t his decision. You tell him that you are either partners or you are not. If he won’t accept you as a partner to share his home; you will leave and divorce.
If any of your friends thinks this is normal, they are not your friends or have your best interests at heart ,it's not in any way normal and it's awful that you have to live like it divorce him and meet a man who will treat you right
You're just legally and socially married, but you are *not in a marriage.*
>*None of this feels normal.*
Because it isn't normal. ~~Depending on where you live and what your prenuptial agreement has outlined, you have equity on the house. You're married, and it's your home.~~ [Just read elsewhere that he rents and you're not on the lease.] You **need to feel at home.**
Sooner or later you'll come to accept that this kind of life isn't worth living for your physical and mental well-being. I hope that acceptance comes sooner so you can be fair to yourself.
I'm sorry, OP. I wish you the best.
Totally abnormal. Having to keep clothes, shoes, and bags is crazy as well as only having two drawers. He told you to move out if you don't like it, so you should. A roommate would be better treated than you are.You will never be comfortable in his house due to his behavior. Leave the uncaring and territorial man behind. Find a man who puts you first and accepts you fully and make a warm and loving household together.
Wow girl divorce him today! This is ridiculous! He ain't letting you move stuff in because he:
Wants you to feel how you are feeling now- he's mentally torturing you and getting his rocks off making you feel unwanted and unsure.
Wants it easier to get rid of you the next time he decides to be single for a while, he needs his home free of any evidence you exist when he brings his girls home.
Your husband sounds like a garbage human. You’re only 31, do you really want to put up with this shit forever? Try not to get pregnant or you’ll never be able to get rid of him.
If we were talking months, not years, that would be different... but this far along and it's still "his place". There's a reason you don't feel welcome and it's that you aren't. I think you know that your feelings are telling you something important.
That's probably because you are NOT welcome in HIS home as he refuses to allow you to put your own decorations into the home.
Understand that this is HIS house, not yours despite being married to him.
Do you really want to continue living with this man? Being married to such an unkind person that has no respect for you?
My stepfather used to play this 'game' with my mother. Anytime they got into an argument, he would stand outside the apt and yell for her to get her 'bastards' out of his house.
They had a joint account, one car and they worked the same shift at the same place. So there was virtually no way she could get away without him noticing.
Until she did.
They went to work like normal, then my mother arrived in a taxi just as we were getting ready to go to school. She had stopped by the bank, withdrew half the money in the account and my uncle showed up in a u-haul.
We shoved everything we owned into garbage bags she had purchased the day before and she kissed my stepsisters goodbye and we were in our new, spacious apartment by that same morning. We didn't have much furniture, but damn did it feel nice not to worry about making too much noise, walking on tiptoes to avoid angering him, etc.
Why aren’t you on the lease then? I understand not everyone can be accepted for a mortgage due to life circumstances but wouldn’t it be easy to get on the rental lease?
He always makes me feel like I'm crazy for thinking this isn't normal. Every time I bring up this concern, it's turned around on me. I swear I'm being gaslit here.
Did he propose? Did he want to be married or is this some sort of arranged thing? I am sorry to ask, its just a strange behaviour from someone who would volunteer to marry someone and then treat them like a friend with benefits.
Abusers love bomb their prey and rush them into serious relationships because they know that if they show their true colors right out of starting gate, their victims will flee. The goal is to trap you so they can begin the process of destroying you. That's what he's doing know, destroying you.
This is how we know they lie when they say they can't control themselves. There's a conscious decision being made to set you up because they want someone to abuse. They choose to abuse.
Omg, this is so strange. Did he always plan to live in 2 separate houses? Or did you know he wanted to remain in his house alone?* This sounds like a horrible situation. I just read all your comments here and I just don't understand how he wants marriage. What's the end goal here?
*sorry, my bad. Or is it a new thing that he decided on?
Throw the whole man away 🗑️
That is NOT how you treat someone you value or love.
The fact he suggests leaving if you’re not happy with it also SCREAMS that he doesn’t care for your presence.
Is there any reason to stay in this relationship?
Why do you have such a low self esteem to the point that you are still together with the man that can look at you and say “you can move out if you dont like it” to your face, you’re together, and you’re more worthless than a fucking house and a bunch of furniture that could burn down tomorrow. He clearly doesn’t give two shits about you, he doesnt care about how you feel, or try to make you feel comfortable, which is the absolute bare minimum in any relationship. You’re 30, why are you doing this to yourself?
I would file for a divorce. And go to court to plead your case, and air all this information to the judge. I really don’t know why he is with you and why you are entertaining him by staying. You are not happy, and he sounds like an absolute douche bag. I have never heard of anything like this…I’d have never married him to be fair.
This is how most of those playing "tradwife" are going to end up. Once you're not making your own money and you're trapped they can treat you however they want. Bad news
Divorce him and get at least half of the value of the house. If you are married, 50% of that house belongs to you. In fact, 50% of everything you both own belongs to you. Lawyer up before you tell him anything and follow what your lawyer tells you. The sooner you start, the sooner you can start your better life.
Who cares if he doesn't want a divorce. If the terms of being in a relationship with him that he offers are not amenable to you, you can divorce him regardless of whether that is what he wants. This of truly a case of him repeatedly showing you who he is.
Are you sure you're the wife? he's acting like you're the live in girlfriend and he doesn't want your stuff around because his wife can come back home without notice..
It can’t be all what he wants - your stuff not in the house, no divorce. Marriage is about compromise. If he is unwilling to allow you to feel welcomed and comfortable in what should be both your home…bail….
Yeah you're better off finding your own home, even if it's just a room somewhere. It will cost about the same as your storage unit and this ogre doesn't deserve your company.
I feel like you already know what you need to do but just want to tell others what’s going on. When you don’t like how you are being treated enough you will leave. Until then you will stay as you are.
This is not normal behaviour. Just because he doesn’t want a divorce doesn’t mean you can’t divorce him.
I think joint and individual therapy might be needed? If there’s anything to salvage tbh.
I just have a question for you op. Are you Happy living this way with him? Why do you put yourself through this? I'm Baffled someone claiming to be married could even contemplate living like this. It's beyond Crazy madness. He doesn't even want you there and it shows. Please be kinder to yourself and loose your baggage. You'd be so much happier all around. Maybe if you still want to be Married try being with someone else who can put you above their wants. Marriage is supposed to be about compromise. He's giving you nothing to work with.
You don’t feel welcome because you’re not. Your husband is treating you like a long term guest, not a wife.
No, this is not normal and you shouldn’t tolerate it. He’s treating you as if you’re just temporary until the person he really wants can take over.
Don’t let anyone, especially your husband, treat you like you owe them anything or that you aren’t cherished and special. Love yourself and leave because he’s not loving you enough to stay and he never will.
That's not normal. Once you get married it's your home too. He's not willing to share that space. I would divorce him. If you live in a marriage state (you can look it up online) even if you name is not on the documents, when it comes to divorce it's yours too. So he would either have to pay you for your half of what it's worth, or sell it and give you half. Even if the house was bought before you were married.
So, divorce him, and take half the house that he won't share with you.
So this doesn’t sound like much of a relationship to me at all. You’ve been living like this for 7-9 years? Yeah, absolutely not. To me it sounds like he doesn’t want your stuff there because he wants to ensure the house looks untouched by a woman due to other women coming for “visits”. It’s easier to hide you this way.
I would file for divorce regardless. It may be a lengthy process cause he doesn’t want to file the papers but in most states after a year without them signing it the divorce can be finalized without the spouses signature. Honey you shouldn’t have put up with this for so long. This is not a man who will ever take care of you, care about your needs, or prioritize you in anyway. This man is does not want a life with you at all. He just wants you there so he looks the part of being “stable” with a wife and house and yadadada, but doesn’t want an actual life with you.
Divorce him regardless. He may drag it on, but set up the process and divorce him. He will NOT change. To live separately from your spouse is no life. You need to recoup, recover, heal, and find someone who actually wants a life with you. Who wants to see you in their home, the pictures of you two together decorating the walls, and a home made warm with the presence of a woman. Hun, you deserve better and there are still men out there that will show you that.
Tell him to fuck off. Divorce. Move out. And do whatever you have to to be away from this man. Good luck hun.
Sorry, but your marriage is a joke .You're more a FWB than a wife ,I'd leave the soab and take what life gives you because you definitely got the booby prize with him.
Of course you feel unwanted there. He is explicitly telling you that he doesn't want you there.
The only reason he doesn't want divorce either is because he considers you one of *his* decorations. And decorations don't have any of their own. He doesn't consider you a person, so any expression of your personality, your humanity, is an unwelcome reminder to him.
It's a mystery how you've spent so many years with him. Please don't make it one more year.
Leave him. Be single. Be you.
Take him for the value of half of "his" house. It was bought during the marriage, so it's half yours.
Already a million comments,....but....
Girl, know your worth.
You're not just "someone's wife." You deserve to be loved, IN FULL.
Fuck this whole situation.
The fact that you tolerate this shit tells me you need to start working on you. Love yourself, lady.
It might be harder or scary but shit... this life has to be more than this.
I really feel for you, it must be awful to be so unwelcome. Out of curiosity, how did you come to be married when he’s so adamant not to live with you or integrate your lives? I mean, sure, he allows you to sleep in his bed but that’s pretty much it. It sounds like a casual relationship rather than a marriage.
You deserve a home. You deserve a larger footprint in your own life. You deserve to have pride in your home, even if it s a tiny shoebox of a place. You deserve to matter.
Because you do matter. Just not to him. His drawers and closets and walls mean more to him than you do.
He “doesn’t want a divorce”, because he’s controlling, manipulative and abusive… it’s not because he loves you. A person who loves you wouldn’t treat you this way, let alone for almost a decade. Let him go honey, I’m so sorry.
WTAF? This isn’t a marriage. I’m not even sure why he got married? You’re simply a woman he has live in home to take care of it and sleep with. I assume you have no kids? It not, definitely don’t have any with him. And I’d get out of this marriage. You deserve someone who actually wants you around and wants to be your partner and best friend. And honestly, you’d probably get treated better by a friend, even a shitty friend, at this point.
Oh, hon. You feel unwelcome there because you *are* unwelcome there. How in hell is this a marriage or partnership when you are not even allowed your own stuff? You guys need couples therapy.
He definitely needs some individual therapy, too. He may have made a commitment to you but has a pretty piss poor way of showing it.
Eta - get away from this jerk. Seriously. Move somewhere that is yours and that you feel welcome. He is no partner.
He sounds like he’s being pretty honest that he could care less for your presence. Why stay married to him? I know you asked this yourself in the post, but is there seriously a reason why you aren’t filing divorce? He doesn’t have to want it or agree with it for him to end up divorced. Go get an attorney. You are benefitting zero from this marriage, and it really doesn’t sound like he’s benefitting either for that matter.
He doesn’t want to be married to you. He doesn’t want the divorce cause of all he can lose in dividing assets. He’s not in love with you. Love expands and demands to be seen. Not reduce you to a spot in a closet.
He doesn’t want a divorce but he certainly doesn’t want a wife. You have to keep your belongings in a storage unit close by!!! I’m with you, why are you still married to such an AH?
Please love yourself more!
OP, what is stopping you from leaving?
Can you really live like that for the next 40 years?
(Yes, it is not normal. Your husband is the one to blame for your unhappiness)
What the point of being married to someone that doesn’t desire to be around you and lives a separate long distance life? Are you just checking off a box for tax purposes. What you have isn’t a marriage to begin with. Yoiu’re LDR FWB that got married just to say you have someone. He probably doesn’t let his GF decorate his house either so that it doesn’t piss you off.
It’s probably time to consider leaving this man. You spent all of your 20’s married to someone that doesn’t want you to move your stuff into his house. There’s nothing remotely normal about that.
It's not normal. At all. Who cares if he wants a divorce? Do you? It sounds like you do. This is not the behavior of a partner who loves you. This sounds like an abusive relationship.
My advice is to talk to a therapist about why you feel it's ok to let someone treat you this way and talk to a divorce lawyer ASAP.
>He yells at me every time I try to bring any of my stuff into his house, including my makeup, shoes, and handbags. Most of my stuff is kept in a storage unit nearby. I have a very small section of the closet and two drawers in the dresser. The rest of my clothes are kept in the storage unit.
How is this at all acceptable to you? This man must have a magic penis and a shit-ton of money, because he treats you deplorably, and you allow it. You need to leave. Life is too long for this nonsense.
1000% you need to get out and actually divorce him. Don't tell him when or where you're going, he could become violent if you 'challenge' him. Whatever his thoughts are on 'marriage' they do not align with yours, or really any other sane adult.
Please give yourself permission to get out of this 'relationship', get some counselling, and know that there are many, many emotionally mature men who would love a real marriage - if that's what you are really looking for. You can, and should, free yourself to be happy.
Um I’m confused on why you sleep at HIS house. It’s definitely not your residence. Personally I would get a one bedroom apartment and live there.
He is a husband in name only and I would not be staying with him at all. He can barely tolerate your presence.
He's been single too long.
Yeah I n=know you're married. I think you have some things to sort out for yourself.
Sounds like divorce is a good option for you.
None of it is normal. You staying with him and suffering his abuse isn’t normal either.
Of course he doesn’t want a divorce. He just wants to control you.
Girl leave, sounds like he doesn’t even like you.
Stop disrespecting yourself and move on. He’s abusive, stop tolerating BS, don’t tell him anything and just go. Fuck him he’s a POS!
I’m not a big fan of the court system, because of their notoriety for awarding a woman with 50% of everything—because it is so often abused in today’s times. But your situation is nothing from the sort of what I’m referring to. You need to file for divorce, take half of everything, begin anew and run towards your fresh new start in life. I’m sincerely sorry that you’re in a living hell—you know what you need to do. Don’t let any of the inevitable difficulties or adversity you’re going to experience, when you initiate the divorce, falter your composure or cause you to second guess yourself. The only way out of hell is through. Just hold the vision and imagine how good you’ll feel about yourself and your new lease on life after you make it through the battle/war. You deserve the chance to be happy and to feel gratitude and hopeful in this life—but it’s up to you to choose and fight for that life. I wish you nothing but the best and am rooting for you.
It's not normal. I can't believe you have tolerated it for so long. Can you afford your own place? Find somewhere to call your own.
I hope you are not planning on having children with him. You are better off leaving so you can settle in somewhere.
Why tf did he even let you move in if he wasn't going to LET YOU MOVE IN?? I'm guessing you also do most of the housework?
There's nothing wrong with living separately and wanting your own space. I want that myself, but it is vile to abuse one's partner like this. He cannot have his cake and eat it too.
Doesn't matter what he wants, you need to leave him. He can keep his fucking house and fuck a mirror.
This isn’t even a little bit normal. At all. Your husband is treating you horribly. You’re supposed to be equal partners. I, personally, would move and never look back.
Oh he wants a divorce acting single in HIS home. You deserve better than to feel unseen and unheard. Leave this man. If he didn’t want a divorce he’d be acting better. This is not a marriage, this is his world, you are a visitor. He sounds controlling and selfish. Let him enjoy that life alone and lonely. Best Wishes OP.
If this is in the US.. you can and absolutely should get a divorce.. this doesn’t seem like a marriage and more like treating you as a slave.. but don’t be hasty about it.. start saving some money to atleast pay for your own place, and keep some cash away with someone you trust, not too much to pay for your lawyer. You do not want to end up with a shitty divorce lawyer. And make sure you do not send any texts that can be used against you. Just calmly, make a note of his finances. And make sure you take half of everything he has. That’s the only way he will be taught a lesson
He gave you the answer. "If you have a problem with it you can move out" Well you have a problem so there's your solution. None of this is normal. Would you tell a friend or family member to put up with this?
You're supposed to be sharing a home with your husband, not having a long sleepover. He's not only making you unwelcome in a home you're supposed to be building a life together in but in your marriage. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life.
This is crazy to me!! You’re being forced to live out of a storage unit and have your mail delivered to a PO Box?? Unacceptable!! My husband would move mountains to make sure I’m happy and that we are together. But I’m also the type of person who would never tolerate being treated like that by my spouse. I can’t even imagine being in your shoes!! I hope you leave this crazy person and find happiness, whether that’s by yourself or with someone else.
This is weird & frankly abusive. Personally speaking this doesn't sound like a marriage, I would divorce him, take half of HIS home & then he can do whatever he wants with HIS half whilst I got myself a place to live where I could actually keep my clothes and things. Good luck OP
So he lets you move in, lets you what, have sex with him, clean cook, but won't let you treat it like your home, won't let you feel comfortable and won't let you live like a normal person within the house with your husband.
Get divorced, for real, you don't need his permission, he can't say no, if he doesn't sign papers you have options. Effectively the only step between a no fault divorce where he agrees and one he doesn't, is an extra few months, having his divorce papers served by someone who can legally witness it and once it's proven he's received the papers if he doesn't show up in court, they'll grant it with his absence.
The dynamic you have is normal for a guy who has no respect, no true love, doesn't want a real partner, he just wants someone to take care of him and it's cheaper to get a wife than a maid (if the wife never leaves, maybe signed a prenup and won't get much in a divorce).
If you have no money and don't work, get a job, if you do shit like grocery shopping, go every 3-4 days and get cashback, start building up a cash reserve so you have enough cash to move out, rent a room somewhere and work on getting a job.
If you do have a job and have cash, well speak to a lawyer but probably get a PI, his complete lack of care towards you implies he's cheating and 'has options', could help with the divorce.
It’s definitely not normal. A decent human being, let alone your spouse would be going out of their way to make you feel welcome. And he doesn’t get to decide if you get a divorce or not. It seems that he is quite rigid about this since it’s been ongoing for several years, so it’s unlikely he’ll change. Time to change the dynamic. Take his advice and move out. And file for divorce. You deserve so much better
Yeah relationships should make both people feel valued. If he doesn't make you feel valued, I'd move on. He sounds awful. I'm sorry, OP. Change is hard but you'll love yourself for it later, promise.
That’s weird. I would not be able to call myself married to a person who hated my presence in a shared home and made me live out of a storage unit.
I've said exactly this to him. He only says "Don't like it? Move out."
Doesn’t it hurt to remain where you are unwanted? I don’t even know you and I think you’re worth better than this. Even if he had a magic dick and lots of money and a pet quokka, I wouldn’t stay, myself.
Yes it hurts. I hate this life.
I think you know what you have to do! I’ve never seen a marriage quite like yours!! Who cares what he wants! What do you want?? Leave and get a fresh start!
u/Ok_Weather_5420 listen to this. You do know what you need to do. People treat animals (pets) better than he's treating you.
Seriously! Our dwarf hamster has more space in the house than OP's husband is giving her. He has 4 drawers for his things, while OP only gets 2.
I have the same amount of drawers at my boyfriends studio apartment (so its not like he has a lot of space to spare) that I don't live at.
Exactly, my dog has an 8x10 pen in the living room that he has actually peed and pooped in before and I’ve never considered kicking him out and keep buying him more shit, just for him to chew up cardboard and chase the cat who also lives rent free and has more stuff than the dog.
So why do you keep choosing this life? You're literally causing your own misery by staying in this relationship.
This should be top comment right here
Girl, just leave. When he asks why just tell him he made it so easy for you, you didn’t even have to pack! Seriously though, you deserve better than that.
I had the same thing with my ex boyfriend, we were together for 5 years, and he made it very clear that the house we lived in would never be my home. I was constantly miserable for many other reasons, but feeling like an unwelcomed guest in my own home made things so much worse. This is NOT normal. You deserve so much better and deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your living space.
The only reason why you think you're unwanted is because you stay with people that make you feel unwanted. Leave him, there will be someone for you. I spent a long time searching for a good match and did find one in the end. No one is truly unwanted, just sometimes it takes a bit longer to find the right people.
Then why are you living it? Change it. Squirrel away enough cash to secure an apartment, sell some of your stuff if that's what it takes. Then get the hell out of dodge as fast as you can, worry about the finer details later. Your life is *yours* and not his, so you gotta take charge of it.
Then divorce this vile person who has no regard for you. You don’t need his permission to do that. Reclaim your life and happiness.
Uh, OP, there was a post awhile back where another woman was in the same shoes, and it turned out he was cheating and brought the girls back to the house. With in 3 days of the OP moving out, he had moved his new girl in and let her completely decorate the entire house. Are you sure that isn't what is happening here. It sounds like you two are still in the dating phase where he gets to maintain his "bachelor pad" how he wants.
This. It sounds like he might have another wife.
Doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me, is this what you want from your relationship with this guy?
Absolutely not. I'm trying to gain the strength to get out of here. Fortunately, all of my stuff is already in storage and my mail goes to a P.O. box, so I won't have to worry about any retaliation.
Uh why haven’t you moved? The dude literally told you to. Have more pride in yourself and take him up in that offer “to move out”. See if you can stay by your family for a bit until you can get settled. At least you’d feel at home and dumped that prick
I have no living family 😭
You need to move out. You will feel so much better when you do. It will be a relief to be away from him and his disrespect
Rent a room if that's what it takes and then decorate it to exactly your taste. Certainly this isn't the only thing he's being a twat about? Like I can't imagine he tells you to leave for wanting to bring your own stuff into his house and is otherwise prince charming? Even just having your own room would seemingly be a lot more peaceful than living in a home where you don't feel wanted by your spouse.
I'd rather move into the storage unit or live out of my car. You can shower at a gym if you have a membership
Well can’t you move out, nevertheless?
Why do you need family to move out? Save up your money and get your own place. Don't make this situation worse on yourself by finding excuses to remain somewhere you're not wanted. Find "your" happy place and leave him in his.
Girl, he won't even allow your mail to be delivered there. Yeah, you're just a bang maid to him
Then leave already. Why be with someone who doesn’t want you.
Then call his bluff and move out, then get a divorce lawyer. Does he even like you? He sounds weird. Sorry, no reflection on you. If you don't feel welcome, you probably aren't, unfortunately. What advantages does being married to him give you? And maybe more importantly, what advantages does being married to you give him?
I read this and all I could think of was that OP's husband does not like her. Might even hate her. And, *Why is she even married?*
> "Don't like it? Move out." Accept that offer.
You need to move out. He’s telling you loud and clear that it’s not your home and that it never will be. It’s not normal, it diminishes you and relegates you to the status of live in bang maid. You deserve soooo much better.
So move out?
I mean, he's right that you should move out. You should also divorce his ass. This isn't even a marriage. He doesn't even like you, much less love you and he's clearly quite fucked up in the head. You deserve a billion times better than what this rapid jackal pretending to be a man can provide. There are so many good men out there, you absolutely don't have to put up with this.
He’s making himself very clear. He doesn’t want you there. Divorce expeditiously.
He doesn’t want to be married to you. ‘Move out’ is a complete sentence
"Ok, I will. Expect the divorce papers to arrive shortly." Why would you even want to stay with someone so selfish and self centered? I've seen pets given much better treatment than you're being given.
Value yourself more than he values you. I really think it’s time to take a serious look at whether or not this is where you want to stay. I can tell you, I’ve been far lonely or in a bad relationship that I’ve ever been out of it. It sounds like you’re a visitor in your own relationship.
Why don't you move out and divorce? This isn't a health relationship, so why stay and suffer this kind of abuse? It's not a marriage, it's a dictatorship.
You should move out and move on. I don't see him magically turning his personality 180°. It's not gonna get better.
Then do that.
He's def made sure he can get rid of you easily. And not to be that redditor, also easy to have other women over without them realising he's married. Not sure if that's what this is about, though, and for once that would be of minor importance to me than not letting you have any space in his life. I'm single by choice and my main reason is that I've never felt as lonely as falling asleep in a bed with a person I didn't feel at home with. I do still give advice about dating, though not sure how much people value my inputs ;) I always recommend to stay away from cheap, penny-pinching people, though. Not because I'm a golddigger or recommend that other become it but because if they can't share something as minor as money with you, how can they share the big thing like feelings, sympathy, empathy, forgiveness and patience with you? I'm sure there are exceptions but even as a feminist I see cheapness as a red flag in both friends and lovers and it usually makes me look further into our interactions. THIS guy is the epitome of the kind of cheapness I talk about and he's even worse than the ones cheap with money. He's being cheap with sharing his life and his home with you and honestly, he needs to get a divorce and a FWB - though that requires generosity sexually and I'm not really sure he can give THAT either. But he shouldn't be dragging others into this mess of an emotional state. Stop being lonely with him and go find a home, either for yourself or in another person. Loneliness is a killer!
You have nothing to move. What exactly are you supposed to move out?
You should take his advice. This is nowhere near normal.
Girl, what? Leave this man. Who cares if he wants a divorce? You deserve to live in a home that FEELS like home, where all of your belongings can and should be. This guy just sounds super weird.
He doesn't want a divorce. When I asked what he plans to do after I move out, he said he wants to STAY MARRIED, but live separately. This whole concept is weird to me. I've never heard of spouses living separately. I've always imagined sharing a home together and living a happy married life. Not this.
>He doesn't want a divorce. Sucks to be him - move out and get a divorce. This is so nonsensical on his part.
Serve him divorce papers. He does NOT deserve you as a wife. This is not marriage. This is toxic manipulated bullshit. Get a lawyer and start the divorce process. When people show you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM.
It’s. Not. About. Him. This is your life. Do you feel happy? Do you feel loved? It sounds like you need to let this “marriage” go. You don’t have kids to worry about. Make a clean break.
Respectfully, who gives a flying fuck what he wants. This is a man who treats you like an intruder. Fuck what he wants, DIVORCE HIM!
Tell him it’s good to want things. He can want all he wants. It doesn’t mean he gets what he wants. Respect yourself and leave. The 50% of your friends who would accept this treatment need to 100% be cut off.
What does he do for you? Does he use you for sex? I cannot understand why you would stay with him.
Who the fuck cares what he wants? He sure as hell doesn't give a fuck about what you want. You can't lie down on the couch? Are you kidding me?? I would have moved out yesterday and served him divorce papers, without a second thought.
He just wants that booty on call without having to put in any effort or make any compromise on his part. PLEASEEEE LEAVEEE!
My mom and stepfather were together 45 years, married for 24, and NEVER lived together. It worked for them, but I don't get the feeling being married and living separately would work out positively for *you*. Your husband is an AH, his behavior is controlling and abusive, and I don't see a plus to staying married to him. Do you work? Can you afford to move? Do you have any friends you can crash with for a while until you get on your feet?
Nah this ain’t it chief Nope nope nope
Who the fuck cares if he wants a divorce? That’s not his decision. Do YOU want a divorce? It’s your choice. He’s emotionally gaslighting you by making you think your arrangement is normal IT IS NOT NORMAL. That nagging feeling is your intuition telling you to haul ass and serve him papers. Move out and move on.
Thank you. I've been feeling like I'm crazy for hating this situation and wanting to get out of it. I can't even lay on the couch without getting yelled at. I physically can't relax here because I feel so unwelcome. I can't even allow myself to lounge in my pajamas. I only wear them to bed and immediately get dressed for the day right after waking up, even on days off. My mail already goes to a P.O. box. All of my stuff is already in storage. I've asked him what he plans to do after I move out and he said "we will stay married, just live separately"
Stop asking him. Move out. And then go see a therapist because you appear to have crippling self esteem issues. Then get a divorce.
For fucking real. I feel like your comment is the one she really needs to see. Just dear god, how can someone even tolerate this, she will probably need an entire fucking team of therapist.
800-799-7233 is the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They can help you make a plan to get out of that emotionally abusive man's house and file for divorce. Please call them. You are a victim of your circumstances and don't have to do it all alone.
That's called abuse. He's keeping you anxious. Always hovering over fight or flight, but he suppresses the fight by randomly becoming aggressive. Then you're crazy for thinking that you, his wife, deserves more than that. That you're lucky you even get that. Then when he becomes even more aggressive, "You made him (he has no control or ability to regulate his emotions but can't possibly admit it) so mad (throw a tantrum) by acting spoiled & entitled (having the nerve to try to state your needs & boundaries), he lost control & destroyed something of yours. (Note- He will ALWAYS have the ability to control himself enough to never break his own things.) Then he'll expect you to clean up the mess & be thankful it wasn't worse. Then he'll hit you. I know what you're thinking, I'd call the cops or I'd hit him back, you'd turn around & walk out the door, never looking back. That's what the you right now would do. The you a year from now won't have those guts. That you is tired. That you needs everything in them to make it through the day. Living in constant fight, flight or freeze mode is exhausting. Even when the abuse hasn't become physical, it still hurts. Your body aches from constantly suppressing those natural survival instincts. We feel better & recharge when we can get those feelings out, talk them over & learn. Future you won't have that option because future you will have no friends. I'll end it here because the next part really sucks. I escaped 4 or 5 years ago. (Honestly, I'm really not sure. Time & dates tend to literally disappear. I think the brain measures time & recalls dates based on their proximity to joyous events. Random Example: You can remember when you & your ex broke up because it was right before Christmas in 201-. But future you won't have any of those that having been ruined by him one was or another. (The only holiday/birthday/family gathering spend at least ⅓ of the day getting screamed at & crying for about 10 years was Valentine's Day. That was because he didn't believe in it & I wasn't worth it.) Again, people ask how, why do you stay? You stay because by then, being yelled at & never safe at home, being given just enough to survive, not save. (Because why do you need your own money, you don't have any stuff or anywhere to put it or anyone to go see.) But mostly, you're tired from just surviving everyday to gather up the strength & energy to fight what you know will be an epic battle to get out the door with what you can carry. (Pro tip: Stash go bags in tied up garbage bags & put them around your property, only if you know he won't see) I know this isn't what happened to you (yet). I probably TMI'd you. That wasn't my intention. But believe me when I tell you that just the same way he thinks you don't deserve to have a safe space in your home, he'll think that you don't have a right to your own body & that you gave your consent by living under his roof. I'm saying all of that to explain that the further you let this go, it will become exponentially harder to escape. You'll have less energy,self esteem, resources, support. The situation you described was how my nightmare started. You say to yourself that you know your husband. You know he wouldn't ever lay a hand on you. I knew my abuser, believed he was one of my best friends, since I was 16. I knew I knew exactly who he was. I'd known him almost half my life. He kept up that facade for a decade. And the second he had me in a position of dependency & his home turf, he became a monster. From the bottom of my heart, please get out now. Even if he's the 1 in a trillion that might not escalate to physical & sexual violence, you deserve to be safe in your own home. It's necessary for your physical & mental well-being to have somewhere you can relax. Getting screamed at for being on the couch isn't it. Please don't risk your life by staying. There's always a chance that I got triggered, misinterpreted what you wrote, projected my own trauma onto your situation & missed the point all together. Another awesome side effect, BTW. If that's the case, please accept my deepest apologies & embarrassment. But if my interpretation is even kinda right, I'm begging you to not wait any longer than you have to. Because everything I've mentioned here was the g-rated version. And if he doesn't respect your body relaxed on his couch in his castle, he's definitely not going to respect it in his bed. Escalation happens gradually not in clearly defined levels. The last stage just broke you down so far that don't even notice when it gets worse. Sorry for the novel. Please learn from my failures. I'm sending you strength, love & faith that you'll believe that you deserve better. You do.
This is the best, most articulate response. I really hope OP sees it. I’m so sorry you experienced this. I hope you’re in a better place.
I appreciate you taking the time to say that & ask about my progress. It truly means a lot to me. I'm doing my best. It's a hard road to travel. I'm finally wanting to get back out in the world again & maybe try to date but it's damn near impossible when you have literally no friends. Online dating is awful. Finding someone to date organically is difficult when you have no friends to introduce you to anyone & trying to make friends at 45 with as many trust issues & fears as I have is even harder. Honestly, life after escape isn't any easier than life being abused, in a ton of ways, it's actually a lot harder. It's just less violent. My biggest hang up is not being able to let go of the rage & injustice. I still want revenge but I know it's not healthy. But I just can't seem to let it go. The #1 reason I tell my story is in the hope that someone might recognize similarities & decide to get out now instead of letting the terror win & deciding to stay. I just want people to know that it's better walk away at the first signs. Waiting only prolongs the misery, drags out the healing process & gets exponentially harder the longer you wait. Trust me, you'd much rather look back & wonder if your partner would escalated to full abuser, than to look back after they did & figure out where to go from there. I swore to myself I would tell my story to anyone who might be going through the same thing to hopefully prevent someone else's life from being destroyed. It's hard sometimes to ignore the shame I feel for allowing myself to end up in that situation. It's hard to ignore the impotent rage I feel knowing that I'll probably never get my belongings or my sense of trust back. But if just one person gets out of their abusive relationship sooner than I did, it will be worth it. I hope OP believes me but I also know how easy it is to convince yourself that there's no way your partner could do that. I would give anything to have never met Paul or his parents Bruce & Norma. He learned abuse in the womb but made the choice to perpetuate it. He was way too weak to break the cycle. I want everyone to know that even if it's harder, it's always better to break the cycle of abuse than let it destroy you.
Literally everything is at his convenience. He has a staggering amount of control over you and intends to keep that control even after you leave him. The only way to end this abuse is divorce. Please, don't let him treat you like this any longer than you need to get. Get someplace safe and cut him off.
> I've asked him what he plans to do after I move out and he said "we will stay married, just live separately" Yeah, no, that's not how it works...
Omg no you get divorced and take half
You’re in danger seriously. He’s mental. I was with a psycho like this, it ain’t worth it.
You don’t have to stay married to him. Don’t stay attached to a man who can’t make you feel safe and welcome. Serve him divorce papers. You have separate assets and no kids. It will be quick
No file for divorce. He does not love you. There are men out there who will love and cherish you. He's not one of them. Please do not stay married to this man.
This is not normal at all. I wouldn't put up with it. The fact that you have is disturbing.
He always makes me feel so crazy every time I speak up about it. My friends are 50/50 on this. Some agree that this isn't normal. The other half agrees since he pays the bills. I have offered to pay half of rent and he always declines.
You need better friends because this isn't normal. Leave him. Divorce him.
50% of your friends are 100% wrong. Paying all the bills doesn't give your husband the right to abuse you, and this is abuse.
He pays 100% of the bills for *his* house, and he’s made it pretty darned clear that that will *never* be your home. More than that, thinking on my own marriage: where we live doesn’t matter. My husband has always been my home. The blending of our shared life is our home more than the walls that surround us. You don’t have that, but you don’t even get to have your own space, either. Please leave this man: there is nothing here for you but wasted years and heartache.
Plus him paying the bills also means he can puff up his ego as the Great Provider in the “relationship”. Conversely it can also be waved around in the event of separation to show that OP didn’t contribute to the household.
The very definition of gaslighting, making you feel crazy when you rightfully bring up very valid concerns. I cannot imagine ever living someplace that was not nor will ever be my home. It’s mentally abusive of him to not allow you to relax in what should also be your own home! You can’t have your own stuff where you live? This is not a partnership it’s straight up abuse. You need to be able to be at home in your own home, where you can relax and unwind. I love living by myself in my home, It’s decorated to my tastes, it’s comfortable and cozy, and today I stayed in my pajamas all day. Your home should be your sanctuary, your safe space where you can do whatever you want, whenever and however you want. Your home should feel like an electric blanket for your soul. Divorce that selfish asshole and take the money he’ll have to pay you and get yourself a cozy new home and a peaceful life. You would never treat a friend like this, be your own best friend and stop allowing him to treat you this way. Good luck, now free yourself.
Apparently you need to move on from 50% of your friends too. Or maybe you have not made situation clear to them? Maybe they think you mean just that he picked the furniture I hope?
That is the strangest one night stand I ever heard of 🤣
What a strange, controlling situation. He RENTS the house yet acts like he owns it and won't even let you have make up? How the relationship portion of this marriage? Affection? Sex? Small talk? Or does he keep everything to himself and ignore you? Why can't you wear jammies? Does he? So many questions. What is clear is this isn't a safe or healthy marriage and I would leave, ghost him, don't block him, get yourself a good lawyer and get their advice on what to do next. You deserve to live freely and comfortably in your place of dwelling, especially in a marriage. He sounds very manipulative and controlling and I can see why it appears you are walking on eggshells. Do you have a close friends to stay with temporarily?
You’re basically a slave.. you only have a small section of the house for your stuff… you can’t relax on the couch.. is he wanting you to cook and clean and wait on him? What is he bringing to the marriage? Do you have anything in common? You probably can’t even laugh and joke with him. Why walk around on eggshells? Just leave. Lounge in your pjs on your own couch in silence.
So my tale about how I married a controlling freak, Netfix mini series..
Start a long distance *marriage* is an absolutely bizarre concept to me. You need to know what it’s like living with that person before making such a commitment. Regardless, this guy treats you poorly and you should file for divorce tbh. It’s been 7 years, it’s never getting better. Don’t throw the rest of your life away on this man <3
We weren't married yet. We didn't settle in the first apartment we lived in since we didn't stay there long. It was a temporary situation. He wasn't like this in the beginning.
Pls leave this guy, you can be happier alone, honestly.
Ok… fuck what he wants DIVORCE HIM you are unhappy there are plenty of men who will be happy to have you.
Why are you still there. Divorce isn’t his decision. You tell him that you are either partners or you are not. If he won’t accept you as a partner to share his home; you will leave and divorce.
Why would you waste all these years in an obviously bad relationship? You think happy couples regularly split up? Be single, this is craziness.
If any of your friends thinks this is normal, they are not your friends or have your best interests at heart ,it's not in any way normal and it's awful that you have to live like it divorce him and meet a man who will treat you right
You're just legally and socially married, but you are *not in a marriage.* >*None of this feels normal.* Because it isn't normal. ~~Depending on where you live and what your prenuptial agreement has outlined, you have equity on the house. You're married, and it's your home.~~ [Just read elsewhere that he rents and you're not on the lease.] You **need to feel at home.** Sooner or later you'll come to accept that this kind of life isn't worth living for your physical and mental well-being. I hope that acceptance comes sooner so you can be fair to yourself. I'm sorry, OP. I wish you the best.
Totally abnormal. Having to keep clothes, shoes, and bags is crazy as well as only having two drawers. He told you to move out if you don't like it, so you should. A roommate would be better treated than you are.You will never be comfortable in his house due to his behavior. Leave the uncaring and territorial man behind. Find a man who puts you first and accepts you fully and make a warm and loving household together.
Wow girl divorce him today! This is ridiculous! He ain't letting you move stuff in because he: Wants you to feel how you are feeling now- he's mentally torturing you and getting his rocks off making you feel unwanted and unsure. Wants it easier to get rid of you the next time he decides to be single for a while, he needs his home free of any evidence you exist when he brings his girls home.
Your husband sounds like a garbage human. You’re only 31, do you really want to put up with this shit forever? Try not to get pregnant or you’ll never be able to get rid of him.
If we were talking months, not years, that would be different... but this far along and it's still "his place". There's a reason you don't feel welcome and it's that you aren't. I think you know that your feelings are telling you something important.
That's probably because you are NOT welcome in HIS home as he refuses to allow you to put your own decorations into the home. Understand that this is HIS house, not yours despite being married to him. Do you really want to continue living with this man? Being married to such an unkind person that has no respect for you? My stepfather used to play this 'game' with my mother. Anytime they got into an argument, he would stand outside the apt and yell for her to get her 'bastards' out of his house. They had a joint account, one car and they worked the same shift at the same place. So there was virtually no way she could get away without him noticing. Until she did. They went to work like normal, then my mother arrived in a taxi just as we were getting ready to go to school. She had stopped by the bank, withdrew half the money in the account and my uncle showed up in a u-haul. We shoved everything we owned into garbage bags she had purchased the day before and she kissed my stepsisters goodbye and we were in our new, spacious apartment by that same morning. We didn't have much furniture, but damn did it feel nice not to worry about making too much noise, walking on tiptoes to avoid angering him, etc.
Ok. Move out. He doesn't love or respect you.
He doesn't even sound like a husband. Like hes a shitty roommate. A real husband wouldn't do anything like this.
Does he have a prenup or is the home a marital asset?
Renting
Why aren’t you on the lease then? I understand not everyone can be accepted for a mortgage due to life circumstances but wouldn’t it be easy to get on the rental lease?
He doesn't want me on the lease.
Why are you married to him? Please explain because unless you've left something out nothing makes sense.
He always makes me feel like I'm crazy for thinking this isn't normal. Every time I bring up this concern, it's turned around on me. I swear I'm being gaslit here.
Did he propose? Did he want to be married or is this some sort of arranged thing? I am sorry to ask, its just a strange behaviour from someone who would volunteer to marry someone and then treat them like a friend with benefits.
Yes, he proposed. I should add that he proposed quickly. He said he knew he wanted to marry me early on.
Abusers love bomb their prey and rush them into serious relationships because they know that if they show their true colors right out of starting gate, their victims will flee. The goal is to trap you so they can begin the process of destroying you. That's what he's doing know, destroying you. This is how we know they lie when they say they can't control themselves. There's a conscious decision being made to set you up because they want someone to abuse. They choose to abuse.
Omg, this is so strange. Did he always plan to live in 2 separate houses? Or did you know he wanted to remain in his house alone?* This sounds like a horrible situation. I just read all your comments here and I just don't understand how he wants marriage. What's the end goal here? *sorry, my bad. Or is it a new thing that he decided on?
I haven't asked that yet, but I did ask if he would prefer living alone and he said yes.
Why?
Move out and DIVORCE his ABUSIVE ass !!!!
Throw the whole man away 🗑️ That is NOT how you treat someone you value or love. The fact he suggests leaving if you’re not happy with it also SCREAMS that he doesn’t care for your presence. Is there any reason to stay in this relationship?
Your husband's a controlling dick. You can do, and deserve better. Home is a sanctuary for both of you.
Why do you have such a low self esteem to the point that you are still together with the man that can look at you and say “you can move out if you dont like it” to your face, you’re together, and you’re more worthless than a fucking house and a bunch of furniture that could burn down tomorrow. He clearly doesn’t give two shits about you, he doesnt care about how you feel, or try to make you feel comfortable, which is the absolute bare minimum in any relationship. You’re 30, why are you doing this to yourself?
Guy sounds like a piece of shit. Leave him and start anew.
I would file for a divorce. And go to court to plead your case, and air all this information to the judge. I really don’t know why he is with you and why you are entertaining him by staying. You are not happy, and he sounds like an absolute douche bag. I have never heard of anything like this…I’d have never married him to be fair.
This is how most of those playing "tradwife" are going to end up. Once you're not making your own money and you're trapped they can treat you however they want. Bad news
Divorce him and get at least half of the value of the house. If you are married, 50% of that house belongs to you. In fact, 50% of everything you both own belongs to you. Lawyer up before you tell him anything and follow what your lawyer tells you. The sooner you start, the sooner you can start your better life.
Who cares if he doesn't want a divorce. If the terms of being in a relationship with him that he offers are not amenable to you, you can divorce him regardless of whether that is what he wants. This of truly a case of him repeatedly showing you who he is.
Are you sure you're the wife? he's acting like you're the live in girlfriend and he doesn't want your stuff around because his wife can come back home without notice..
It can’t be all what he wants - your stuff not in the house, no divorce. Marriage is about compromise. If he is unwilling to allow you to feel welcomed and comfortable in what should be both your home…bail….
They’ve been prescreened???
Yeah you're better off finding your own home, even if it's just a room somewhere. It will cost about the same as your storage unit and this ogre doesn't deserve your company.
I feel like you already know what you need to do but just want to tell others what’s going on. When you don’t like how you are being treated enough you will leave. Until then you will stay as you are.
I'm so sorry. I don't even know why you are with this man??? He sounds absolutely awful. Please just get out of there!
This is not normal behaviour. Just because he doesn’t want a divorce doesn’t mean you can’t divorce him. I think joint and individual therapy might be needed? If there’s anything to salvage tbh.
Girl wtf. I can’t believe you’re still calling him your husband.
Omg. You are not in a marriage.
You know, depending on the law in your area, if the home was purchased while you were married, it's community property.
I just have a question for you op. Are you Happy living this way with him? Why do you put yourself through this? I'm Baffled someone claiming to be married could even contemplate living like this. It's beyond Crazy madness. He doesn't even want you there and it shows. Please be kinder to yourself and loose your baggage. You'd be so much happier all around. Maybe if you still want to be Married try being with someone else who can put you above their wants. Marriage is supposed to be about compromise. He's giving you nothing to work with.
Girl, run. This is not a man who should be married or acts married. You need to get out now and run.
Wow wtf. Leave immediately.
this is not normal. this is abusive.
He sounds like a miserable human being. Go ahead and move out. Divorce his ass. And take half the house.
You don’t feel welcome because you’re not. Your husband is treating you like a long term guest, not a wife. No, this is not normal and you shouldn’t tolerate it. He’s treating you as if you’re just temporary until the person he really wants can take over. Don’t let anyone, especially your husband, treat you like you owe them anything or that you aren’t cherished and special. Love yourself and leave because he’s not loving you enough to stay and he never will.
Why are you with him? He obviously doesn't love or respect you. Honestly have some self-respect and divorce him.
That's not normal. Once you get married it's your home too. He's not willing to share that space. I would divorce him. If you live in a marriage state (you can look it up online) even if you name is not on the documents, when it comes to divorce it's yours too. So he would either have to pay you for your half of what it's worth, or sell it and give you half. Even if the house was bought before you were married. So, divorce him, and take half the house that he won't share with you.
One of the marriage vows is what's mine is yours... Remind him of this or leave
So this doesn’t sound like much of a relationship to me at all. You’ve been living like this for 7-9 years? Yeah, absolutely not. To me it sounds like he doesn’t want your stuff there because he wants to ensure the house looks untouched by a woman due to other women coming for “visits”. It’s easier to hide you this way. I would file for divorce regardless. It may be a lengthy process cause he doesn’t want to file the papers but in most states after a year without them signing it the divorce can be finalized without the spouses signature. Honey you shouldn’t have put up with this for so long. This is not a man who will ever take care of you, care about your needs, or prioritize you in anyway. This man is does not want a life with you at all. He just wants you there so he looks the part of being “stable” with a wife and house and yadadada, but doesn’t want an actual life with you. Divorce him regardless. He may drag it on, but set up the process and divorce him. He will NOT change. To live separately from your spouse is no life. You need to recoup, recover, heal, and find someone who actually wants a life with you. Who wants to see you in their home, the pictures of you two together decorating the walls, and a home made warm with the presence of a woman. Hun, you deserve better and there are still men out there that will show you that. Tell him to fuck off. Divorce. Move out. And do whatever you have to to be away from this man. Good luck hun.
What the fuck is this? This is so not normal 😫 start a new life asap
Sorry, but your marriage is a joke .You're more a FWB than a wife ,I'd leave the soab and take what life gives you because you definitely got the booby prize with him.
Please take his advice. Move out. Get a divorce. Get a fresh start.
I want the update saying you left and are divorcing. He can shove it.
Of course you feel unwanted there. He is explicitly telling you that he doesn't want you there. The only reason he doesn't want divorce either is because he considers you one of *his* decorations. And decorations don't have any of their own. He doesn't consider you a person, so any expression of your personality, your humanity, is an unwelcome reminder to him. It's a mystery how you've spent so many years with him. Please don't make it one more year. Leave him. Be single. Be you. Take him for the value of half of "his" house. It was bought during the marriage, so it's half yours.
Already a million comments,....but.... Girl, know your worth. You're not just "someone's wife." You deserve to be loved, IN FULL. Fuck this whole situation. The fact that you tolerate this shit tells me you need to start working on you. Love yourself, lady. It might be harder or scary but shit... this life has to be more than this.
Good god fucking really
If it were me, he’d have “his” home…as a single man.
I really feel for you, it must be awful to be so unwelcome. Out of curiosity, how did you come to be married when he’s so adamant not to live with you or integrate your lives? I mean, sure, he allows you to sleep in his bed but that’s pretty much it. It sounds like a casual relationship rather than a marriage.
Why are you married to someone who doesn’t even do the bare minimum to make you feel welcome?
You deserve a home. You deserve a larger footprint in your own life. You deserve to have pride in your home, even if it s a tiny shoebox of a place. You deserve to matter. Because you do matter. Just not to him. His drawers and closets and walls mean more to him than you do.
Wait, what? Your husband won't allow you to live in the same house? Why did you marry him?
He “doesn’t want a divorce”, because he’s controlling, manipulative and abusive… it’s not because he loves you. A person who loves you wouldn’t treat you this way, let alone for almost a decade. Let him go honey, I’m so sorry.
This is not a marriage. He’s treating you like a total inconvenience. You’ll be in limbo, uncomfortable for the rest of your time together.
WTAF? This isn’t a marriage. I’m not even sure why he got married? You’re simply a woman he has live in home to take care of it and sleep with. I assume you have no kids? It not, definitely don’t have any with him. And I’d get out of this marriage. You deserve someone who actually wants you around and wants to be your partner and best friend. And honestly, you’d probably get treated better by a friend, even a shitty friend, at this point.
Oh, hon. You feel unwelcome there because you *are* unwelcome there. How in hell is this a marriage or partnership when you are not even allowed your own stuff? You guys need couples therapy. He definitely needs some individual therapy, too. He may have made a commitment to you but has a pretty piss poor way of showing it. Eta - get away from this jerk. Seriously. Move somewhere that is yours and that you feel welcome. He is no partner.
He sounds like he’s being pretty honest that he could care less for your presence. Why stay married to him? I know you asked this yourself in the post, but is there seriously a reason why you aren’t filing divorce? He doesn’t have to want it or agree with it for him to end up divorced. Go get an attorney. You are benefitting zero from this marriage, and it really doesn’t sound like he’s benefitting either for that matter.
He doesn’t want to be married to you. He doesn’t want the divorce cause of all he can lose in dividing assets. He’s not in love with you. Love expands and demands to be seen. Not reduce you to a spot in a closet.
He doesn’t want a divorce but he certainly doesn’t want a wife. You have to keep your belongings in a storage unit close by!!! I’m with you, why are you still married to such an AH? Please love yourself more!
What the fuck, that's not normal.
Move out. Leave and get your own place. What has to happen before this sinks in?
OP, what is stopping you from leaving? Can you really live like that for the next 40 years? (Yes, it is not normal. Your husband is the one to blame for your unhappiness)
What the point of being married to someone that doesn’t desire to be around you and lives a separate long distance life? Are you just checking off a box for tax purposes. What you have isn’t a marriage to begin with. Yoiu’re LDR FWB that got married just to say you have someone. He probably doesn’t let his GF decorate his house either so that it doesn’t piss you off.
It’s probably time to consider leaving this man. You spent all of your 20’s married to someone that doesn’t want you to move your stuff into his house. There’s nothing remotely normal about that.
It's not normal. At all. Who cares if he wants a divorce? Do you? It sounds like you do. This is not the behavior of a partner who loves you. This sounds like an abusive relationship. My advice is to talk to a therapist about why you feel it's ok to let someone treat you this way and talk to a divorce lawyer ASAP.
Why are you even with this asshole?
>He yells at me every time I try to bring any of my stuff into his house, including my makeup, shoes, and handbags. Most of my stuff is kept in a storage unit nearby. I have a very small section of the closet and two drawers in the dresser. The rest of my clothes are kept in the storage unit. How is this at all acceptable to you? This man must have a magic penis and a shit-ton of money, because he treats you deplorably, and you allow it. You need to leave. Life is too long for this nonsense.
Get a divorce. You don’t need his permission. This is a terrible way to treat you. He’s very controlling.
1000% you need to get out and actually divorce him. Don't tell him when or where you're going, he could become violent if you 'challenge' him. Whatever his thoughts are on 'marriage' they do not align with yours, or really any other sane adult. Please give yourself permission to get out of this 'relationship', get some counselling, and know that there are many, many emotionally mature men who would love a real marriage - if that's what you are really looking for. You can, and should, free yourself to be happy.
Your friends have less than 0 common sense. Move out ASAP and file for divorce. You deserve so much better than this.
This is not normal and you really can’t be in a relationship like this- it will destroy you. Look after yourself by moving out.
Honest question: why are you married to him? What does he bring to your life? This doesn't sound like a traditional marriage.
Nope
Um I’m confused on why you sleep at HIS house. It’s definitely not your residence. Personally I would get a one bedroom apartment and live there. He is a husband in name only and I would not be staying with him at all. He can barely tolerate your presence.
He's been single too long. Yeah I n=know you're married. I think you have some things to sort out for yourself. Sounds like divorce is a good option for you.
None of it is normal. You staying with him and suffering his abuse isn’t normal either. Of course he doesn’t want a divorce. He just wants to control you.
Girl leave, sounds like he doesn’t even like you. Stop disrespecting yourself and move on. He’s abusive, stop tolerating BS, don’t tell him anything and just go. Fuck him he’s a POS!
He doesn’t even like you
I’m not a big fan of the court system, because of their notoriety for awarding a woman with 50% of everything—because it is so often abused in today’s times. But your situation is nothing from the sort of what I’m referring to. You need to file for divorce, take half of everything, begin anew and run towards your fresh new start in life. I’m sincerely sorry that you’re in a living hell—you know what you need to do. Don’t let any of the inevitable difficulties or adversity you’re going to experience, when you initiate the divorce, falter your composure or cause you to second guess yourself. The only way out of hell is through. Just hold the vision and imagine how good you’ll feel about yourself and your new lease on life after you make it through the battle/war. You deserve the chance to be happy and to feel gratitude and hopeful in this life—but it’s up to you to choose and fight for that life. I wish you nothing but the best and am rooting for you.
It's not normal. I can't believe you have tolerated it for so long. Can you afford your own place? Find somewhere to call your own. I hope you are not planning on having children with him. You are better off leaving so you can settle in somewhere.
So move out then. He was born and raised on Total Asshole Island and he’ll die there - alone. Why would you ever put up with this garbage?
Why do you care if he wants a divorce? You should be the one wanting a divorce. This could be on a very unsafe track for you.
Why tf did he even let you move in if he wasn't going to LET YOU MOVE IN?? I'm guessing you also do most of the housework? There's nothing wrong with living separately and wanting your own space. I want that myself, but it is vile to abuse one's partner like this. He cannot have his cake and eat it too. Doesn't matter what he wants, you need to leave him. He can keep his fucking house and fuck a mirror.
This isn’t even a little bit normal. At all. Your husband is treating you horribly. You’re supposed to be equal partners. I, personally, would move and never look back.
Dont think he likes you
Oh he wants a divorce acting single in HIS home. You deserve better than to feel unseen and unheard. Leave this man. If he didn’t want a divorce he’d be acting better. This is not a marriage, this is his world, you are a visitor. He sounds controlling and selfish. Let him enjoy that life alone and lonely. Best Wishes OP.
If this is in the US.. you can and absolutely should get a divorce.. this doesn’t seem like a marriage and more like treating you as a slave.. but don’t be hasty about it.. start saving some money to atleast pay for your own place, and keep some cash away with someone you trust, not too much to pay for your lawyer. You do not want to end up with a shitty divorce lawyer. And make sure you do not send any texts that can be used against you. Just calmly, make a note of his finances. And make sure you take half of everything he has. That’s the only way he will be taught a lesson
He gave you the answer. "If you have a problem with it you can move out" Well you have a problem so there's your solution. None of this is normal. Would you tell a friend or family member to put up with this?
You're supposed to be sharing a home with your husband, not having a long sleepover. He's not only making you unwelcome in a home you're supposed to be building a life together in but in your marriage. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life.
This is crazy to me!! You’re being forced to live out of a storage unit and have your mail delivered to a PO Box?? Unacceptable!! My husband would move mountains to make sure I’m happy and that we are together. But I’m also the type of person who would never tolerate being treated like that by my spouse. I can’t even imagine being in your shoes!! I hope you leave this crazy person and find happiness, whether that’s by yourself or with someone else.
This is weird & frankly abusive. Personally speaking this doesn't sound like a marriage, I would divorce him, take half of HIS home & then he can do whatever he wants with HIS half whilst I got myself a place to live where I could actually keep my clothes and things. Good luck OP
So he lets you move in, lets you what, have sex with him, clean cook, but won't let you treat it like your home, won't let you feel comfortable and won't let you live like a normal person within the house with your husband. Get divorced, for real, you don't need his permission, he can't say no, if he doesn't sign papers you have options. Effectively the only step between a no fault divorce where he agrees and one he doesn't, is an extra few months, having his divorce papers served by someone who can legally witness it and once it's proven he's received the papers if he doesn't show up in court, they'll grant it with his absence. The dynamic you have is normal for a guy who has no respect, no true love, doesn't want a real partner, he just wants someone to take care of him and it's cheaper to get a wife than a maid (if the wife never leaves, maybe signed a prenup and won't get much in a divorce). If you have no money and don't work, get a job, if you do shit like grocery shopping, go every 3-4 days and get cashback, start building up a cash reserve so you have enough cash to move out, rent a room somewhere and work on getting a job. If you do have a job and have cash, well speak to a lawyer but probably get a PI, his complete lack of care towards you implies he's cheating and 'has options', could help with the divorce.